#a while ago i mentioned wanting to try tinned fish

[housecow]

last night i was blessed and able to try patagonia’s roasted garlic spanish mackerel! (google pic bc i was in an area with terrible lighting)

y’all. this shit was SO. GOOD. i’ve never had mackerel before at all but heard such good things about this brand, being able to find it at central market was a pleasant surprise :))

i pan fried some sourdough in the olive oil it came in (lil garlic pieces 🥹) and paired with little tomatoes, onions, and two options of hummus and cream cheese! both were delicious but i’m a cream cheese fan so. obv that’s the move

will be getting this again.. might use pickled onions next instead and fresh tomatoes when the garden tomatoes are ready :)) so excited. god bless

[heyitmelexie]

Falling In Love

Din Djarin x riduur!F!Reader

Word count: 3444 Warnings: mention of wounds and blood Rating: Teen and up

A/N: Day 9 of the December Writing Challenge by @honeymandos​! ❤️

This was also my first time ever writing for Din!

I know it’s late but I’m currently pretty occupied with uni etc. Hope you enjoy anyway!!  ❤️

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The sweet smell of Bantha-butter pancakes tickles your nose and pulls you from your peaceful slumber.

As you open your eyes you see soft beams of sunshine creep through the window, illuminating your exposed legs and bathing them in warmth.

You smile and stretch, hearing the sizzling noise of the pancakes coming from the kitchen, accompanied by soft talking, gentle coos and occasionally one or the other clank.

The door is slightly ajar, but you can still see the domestic scene playing in the other room.

Din, in only his pants and with his hair still mussed, stands with his broad back turned to you. He’s making breakfast while quietly talking to your little green son, who sits on the counter right next to him. You see his ears occasionally perk up, followed by coos and little giggles, making you smile.

“Look, now you flip it. Just like this” you hear Din say, before (you assume) he tries to flip it with the pan. You expect to hear the loud sizzling again, indicating that the uncooked side of the pancake landed safely back in the pan. Instead, you hear a dull splash, like a wet fish falling onto tiles, followed by strings of curses coming from Din and a loud, hearty laugh from that little womp rat.

You laugh softly at that, getting out of bed to make your way into the kitchen.

Upon hearing your laugh coming from behind him, Din turns and looks at you, a sheepish smile playing on his flustered face.

“I hope I didn’t wake you, cyare” he says before quickly cleaning up the mess he made.

“Not really. I woke up from the smell of my favourite breakfast” you hum, before kissing your son’s wrinkly little head. He coos happily and then stretches out his arms to make grabby hands at you. You chuckle softly and then proceed to pick him up. He immediately snuggles against you, one of his little claws clutching onto your shirt.

Din smiles, before gently kissing your lips and then continuing to make the breakfast.

You take the time to go outside into your little garden with the child in your arms.

The sun immediately engulfs you in its warm light and you lay down in the soft grass between the flower beds. The little one moves to get comfortable on top of you, snuggling into your chest and cooing contently.

You smile at him and gently caress his big ears.

Din and you had built this little hut on Naboo together just about a year ago, finally deciding to partially settle down and have a somewhat quiet life. He would occasionally still go on a few hunts to get some credits for the three of you while you would stay home with the child. He would always make sure to not stay away for too long. Din had gotten really used to this simple life with you.

As you now lay there in the grass, admiring yours and Din’s handiwork, you think back to how you two met.

And what had made you realize that you had deeply fallen for this beskar-clad warrior (and honestly sometimes tin can dumb bitch of a man).

You grew up in a very small village that was hidden in the lush forests of Naboo. People there were kind and caring, always helping each other and even going so far as helping out strangers that desperately needed the help.

And that’s what had led to meeting him.

*

You were some sort of healer for the people of your village. Mixing concoctions, ointments, bacta gels, etc. Taking care of wounded and ill people. They trusted you with their lives and that had filled you with a great sense of pride.

One day, while you were collecting herbs in your little garden, you could hear a loud commotion coming from the marketplace. The noise steadily grew louder until five people stormed in, carrying a person covered head to toe in fabrics and metal, that was bleeding profusely from a deep wound in their lower abdomen. A pool of blood was very quickly forming on the floor and then on the bed once they put the person on it.

You dropped everything you held and rushed inside, immediately starting to cut off the fabric from around the wound to get better access to it, not even thinking about removing the armour and pants. You knew what that would mean.

You had heard about Mandalorians before. Strangers come and go; they spend most of their time at the small cantina. Many of them weren’t very social and would mostly just ignore the questions they were asked. But others, they would talk and then wouldn’t stop, much to the delight of the folks here.

That’s how one day you met a woman called Rook Cava.

She was unlike any other person you had ever met before. Just like this wounded person, she was covered in fabrics and metal armour, from head to toe. The specially shaped breast plate was the only certain physical indication for you that assured you she was a woman. The armour had been painted a very deep purple, the paint was already chipping away here and there. On the helmet, around the visor, there were golden, intricate symbols. She was mysterious and, even though you had no idea what she looked like, you thought she was breathtakingly beautiful.

She emitted such strength and power. The armour made her look bulky, but the fabric underneath laid snug against her skin and you saw her biceps. She wasn’t bulky, no, she was strong and muscular. You had never seen a woman like her before. She rendered you speechless and at the same time there were so many questions you wanted to ask her. But you didn’t want to overwhelm her, so you kept these questions to yourself.

So instead, you let her rest for a bit, she had obviously been travelling for a long time before taking a break on Naboo.

Rook was a step ahead of you though because the next morning she knocked at your door. She explained that she needed a few ointments and new bacta gel for the next few weeks of her travels and that everyone had told her to go seek you out for that.

Without hesitation you had let her in, offering her a seat and something to drink which she politely declined.

You sat in comfortable silence for a bit, while you collected the things she needed and also freshly mixed some of them so she could take a bigger amount with her.

Rook noticed that you held back your questions, always glancing at her, at her armour. She smiled under the helmet, amused and also astonished that you hadn’t drowned her in your questions yet.

She slightly shook her head in amusement and leaned back in the chair, crossing her arms behind her head.

“What do you wanna know?”

Your head snaps up to look at her, eyes wide, mouth slightly agape. Her question had caught you off guard and she had laughed at your shocked reaction, heat creeping to your cheeks in embarrassment.

“It’s fine. I know I’m not a very common sight. Go ahead, ask your questions” she said, her voice warm and friendly. The complete opposite from her fierce appearance.

“Uhmm… what exactly are you?” ‘What exactly are you?!’ You wanted to slap yourself across the face for such a stupid question. But Rook didn’t seem to mind.

“I’m a Mandalorian. Have you ever heard of those?” You shook your head no at that and she nodded, showing you that she understood.

“To be clear, a Mandalorian is not a race. It’s a creed. You can be born by Mandalorian parents and grow up to become one yourself, or you could be a foundling. Those are children who lose their families at a very young age. They can be taken in by Mandalorians so they have a home and protection. They will grow up and become warriors as well, they will swear the oath. They will live their lives in anonymity, protecting their creed.”

You let that sink in and crush the herbs in your little bowl. Your eyebrows furrow and you take in her armour again.

“Anonymity… What exactly do you mean by that? I mean, I know your name. So, that isn’t very… anonym, is it?” She smiles, but you can’t see it.

“I decided to go by my name because I was just tired of everyone calling me Mando. I hated it. Some of my kind decide to keep their names to themselves, only revealing them to their loved ones and children. Others, like me, are okay with sharing that information. And, by the way, do people check if the name is real anyway?” You laugh at that. She was right. She could tell everyone a made-up name and they would believe it. Nobody checks.

“But, unless you are the wife of a Mandalorian, you will never be able to put a face to that name. We don’t reveal our faces to anyone but our families. If a Mandalorian takes off the helmet in front of another living thing, the Creed would be soiled, the oath you swore - broken. And we are nothing without our Creed. It’s our religion, it’s sacred, holy. It’s what makes us who we are. And we will kill anyone who tries to take that from us.”

“Is that why you declined the water? And why you asked for the food to be brought to your room last night, so you wouldn’t have to eat in the cantina? Because you can’t take off your helmet?”

She just nodded and you hummed in response, thinking about your next question.

“What happens when you get hurt and someone has to access, let’s say, your thigh. Do you just have to risk dying or are others allowed to see other parts of your body?”

She seemed to think about that for a moment, trying to come up with a good answer.

“Technically we aren’t allowed to show any part of our body to anyone. But wounds are, let’s say, a little loophole. If the wound is dangerous and could possibly kill me, then we can let them assess it. Let’s take your example.” She taps one of her thigh plates.

“If I had an awful wound on my thigh that I couldn’t take care of alone and would need help with, I can take off my thigh plate. You can’t take off my pants but you can cut a hole into the fabric so you can access the wound properly. You couldn’t see much of my skin. My Creed would be intact and you can save my life.” A loophole.

This brings you back to your current situation.

“You need to take off his armour! And his clothes! How can you dress his wound like that?” one of the villagers says, not understanding why you just cut a whole into that person’s pants.

You assumed it was a man, his shoulders seemed to be too broad for a woman and his chest plate was quite flat.

“I can take care of his wound like that just fine” you say, telling them what you needed in order to close and disinfect the wound.

It took you a bit over an hour until you had finally finished stitching it up and wrapping gauze around his thigh.

He still wouldn’t move; the blood loss must have weakened him. You had checked his pulse just to be sure he was still alive and then bundled him up into blankets

Just when you finished cleaning the blood stains and tidying the room, he jolted awake, startling you.

He quickly scanned the room before pulling the blankets off of him and attempting to stand up. You saw his knees buckle slightly and rushed over to steady him, carefully pushing him back onto the bed.

“You need to lie down and rest for a while. You lost a lot of blood” you told him, getting him a glass of water and digging out a straw from your drawers.

You held the glass out for him to take but his visor was focused on your face.

“Who are you? Where am I?” His rough and rather deep voice sent a shiver down your smile that you tried to suppress. You just smiled and told him your name, gently pushing the glass into his hand but he didn’t drink yet, still looking at you.

“You’re on Naboo. A few hours ago you were brought to me because you had a very nasty wound on your abdomen, bleeding like mad. I took care of it, but you need to rest or the stitches will break open again and you’ll risk an infection. And you need to drink” you say, pushing the glass a bit closer towards his face.

When you turn around to put the trash away, he tucks the straw under his helmet and quickly empties the glass. He’s relieved to notice that he immediately feels a bit less lightheaded and puts the glass on the little table before lying back down. For some odd reason he feels like he can trust you.

“I didn’t take off your armour or your clothes. And especially not your helmet, so don’t worry. I must admit though that I put my hand under your helmet as best as I could to see if there would be any blood. But I looked away while I did that, I promise. I know it’s forbidden” you turned back to him, a gentle smile on your face.

“I… Okay. Thank you.”

You felt relief wash over you, glad you hadn’t somehow done anything wrong or harmful, internally thanking the Force for sending Rook your way those few years ago.

The Mandalorian spent about a week at your house, resting and healing.

You had learned that he was hunting a bounty and somehow they had managed to ambush him. The wound on his leg was caused by a warspear the bounty had rammed into his thigh in a moment of inadvertence.

Din had to admit to himself that he… liked you. You were kind and caring. You weren’t one of those people that would ask him when the last time was he took off the helmet or if he’d ever taken it off in front of someone else. None of your questions or conversations were focused on his appearance or his life, which he was very grateful for. He trusted you, but he didn’t want to share such private information with someone he didn’t know well enough.

You simply took care of his wound, made him drink enough water and you would leave him alone whenever he needed to eat.

Not even the conversations with you felt awkward.

You willingly told him about your upbringing, what you had done so far in your life and you also told him about your encounter with Rook Cava.

He knew that he was lucky you had this knowledge of his Creed. What if you hadn’t known it and would have taken off his helmet? He figured that he must have killed the whole village then in order to somehow keep his Creed intact… That thought sends a shiver through his body, once again he felt lucky that he ended up in your care.

When he felt stronger and healthier again, ready to leave Naboo behind, the thought of you sitting in his co-pilot chair flashes through his mind.

He didn’t want to leave you. He didn’t know why, but he wanted you to come with him and stay by his side.

‘I just need someone with her skills’ is what he tells himself.

And when he asked you to come with him, he was surprised at how quickly you said yes, agreeing to leave your home behind to travel through the galaxy with him.

As much as you loved the village, you really wanted to see other parts of the galaxy. So you quickly said your goodbyes and packed your things. You were excited to start this new chapter.

You ended up staying and travelling with him for the following 6 years, before you settled down last year.

During this time, your little green rascal became a part of your family, making you a clan of three. That filled Din with great pride and whenever he looked at his little clan, he felt happy and warm. You two were his entire galaxy and he would make sure that nothing ever happened to you.

One evening, you two had been ‘dating’ for about two years now, the kid was sleeping in his pram and you sat on his lap in the pilot chair, his arms around you. You had asked him a question that had floated through your mind for quite a while.

“When did you know you loved me?” You stared out of the windows, the stars just streaks of light during hyperspace. Din stopped caressing your back for a moment and seemed to think about this.

“Pretty sure it was the first time you smiled at me” he said, making you laugh softly and swat his chest.

“Sure thing, shiny” you giggled, making him smile at you under the helmet.

He held you closer to him and leaned his helmet against your shoulder.

“I think it was the moment I realized I couldn’t leave Naboo without you” he said, continuing to caress your back. “That whole week, you took great care of me and I’ve never felt this comfortable around anyone outside of my tribe before. For whatever reason I trusted you right from the beginning. That first smile you flashed me, if I didn’t already sit I would have probably had to sit down. I never felt like this before I met you. Your presence was calming and kind of made me giddy. I don’t know how to describe it…” You smiled and pressed a kiss to the side of his helmet.

“Like butterflies fluttering inside you? The constant urge to smile?” He thought about it for a moment and then nodded. Grateful for his helmet covering his face because he was sure it was just as red as a tomato.

“The thought of leaving without you, it… it kind of hurt. I was imagining you sitting in my co-pilot chair while I would fly. I even dreamed about you… Back then, I didn’t know I was in love with you. I had never loved anyone this way before. You changed my whole life. To the better. I thought I would die alone. No family, no friends, nothing. But then you strut into my life with that stupid little smile of yours and you gave me hope.”

Your chest swells with pride at his confession, warmth spreading throughout your whole body.

You gave him hope. Home. A family, even before this little womp rat waddled into your life. You made the love of your life believe in a happy ending for himself and that was more than you could ever ask for.

“But what about you, cyar’ika? When did you know you loved me?” he asked, while gently putting a hand on your thigh.

“I think it was the first time I saw you straddle that speederbike back on Tatooine. That was pretty hot.”

He laughed at that, gently squeezing your bum and tutted.

“You are unbelievable.”

*

You didn’t realize you fell asleep again until a gentle hand shakes you awake. Your eyes flutter open and you look right into the face of your riduur. He smiles at you and kisses your nose, making you giggle before you gently kiss him.

After a moment he slowly breaks the kiss and sits next to you in the grass, a big plate full of pancakes in front of him and a bottle of chee-chee berry syrup in his hand.

Before you can sit up, the kid scrambles off your chest and goes to launch himself at the plate of pancakes, but Din is quicker. He scoops him into his arms and then puts him into his lap.

“They’re for all of us, ad’ika” he softly tuts, before taking a pancake and slowly tearing it into little pieces to feed him.

You smile and sit up, pressing a kiss to your riduur’s cheek and one to your son’s head.

The Force had blessed you with such a beautiful little family. And soon there would be another little one moving and kicking inside of you. But you had yet to tell your lover.

--------------------------------

@absurdthirst​ @dindjarindiaries​ @tangledlove27​

[scimitar-and-longsword]

Two requests if it's okay 1) a gif of the neck grab of pride Andy gives Nile after she jumps out the window. 2)Fic about Nile's first birthday as an immortal Thanks so much!!

Sorry this took so long lol. I really liked the prompt and I just wanted to get it right! We all know my brotp is Booker & Joe... Nicky & Nile are a close second....

—————–

26

There was a sliver of dull sunlight shining right across Nile’s forehead as she came to consciousness on the morning of her twenty-sixth birthday. Or at least it should have been her twenty-sixth birthday. She wasn’t quite sure on the details.

Did she even still count her birthday the same now? Was she twenty-six? Or perhaps only one? No- No. That sounded ridiculous. So maybe just the first anniversary of her twenty-fifth birthday?

Nile opened her eyes and stared up at the ceiling. It was a rather unremarkable ceiling, painted a faded a pale green. It was discolored brown from water damage in a few spots. 

She had been to this safe house once before. Two months ago after a particularly rough mission the five of them had limped in, blood soaked and exhausted. Luckily this time they had only been exhausted.

This was the first time she had been to a safe house twice. It was strange how much it felt like home after only having been there once for a week. But after seven months of new place after new place she felt a welcome familiarity with this crumbling cottage, small though it was.

She had known what bed was to be hers. No dragging of an old mattress from another room. No reshuffling of sleeping arrangements to accommodate for her. No Andy or Booker taking a couch or armchair. No Joe and Nicky sleeping on the floor because they both couldn’t fit on the couch.

Booker made a low pained noise in his sleep. And Nile’s thoughts were brought back to the present. 

Booker was in a bed perpendicular to hers, their head’s only a couple feet apart.

She glanced up at him, he appeared to still be asleep, his arm slung over his eyes.

Nile craned her neck to see Andy still asleep in the bed next to the door. Her immortality was gone but she still insisted on sleeping closest to the door. The first line of defense.

Joe and Nicky were directly across from her, huddled facing her in a bed that seemed too small for the two of them.

How old were each of them again? 953, and 950. Booker was 247...or was it 248?, And she couldn’t even guess at Andy’s age.

Would that happen to her? Her years becoming so numerous that she couldn’t remember the year she was born?

The sun had moved enough to shine irritatingly in her eyes, Nile brought her hand up to shield them. But after a minute or so, when her arm grew tired, she flipped onto her stomach. Her frustration got the better of her and she sighed loudly. 

Too loudly, apparently, as Nicky started awake and sat bolt upright in the bed across from hers. Joe too started, and sleepily said something to Nicky in Italian that Nile couldn’t quite make out. Nicky glanced around the room and made eye contact with Nile.

“Sorry.” Nile whispered.

Nicky gave her a sleepy smile and turned over to face Joe, responding to him in Italian as well, but this time she heard her name and the word for sleep.

Andy and Booker hadn’t even moved. Both of their breathing was as even as Joe’s was slowly becoming once more.

Nicky was obviously awake still, propped up on his elbow facing Joe. His other hand stroked Joe’s hip soothingly.

A minute or so passed where Nile turned the problem of her birthday over in her mind, before she gave up trying to fall back asleep. She got out of bed with a frustrated sigh, and exited the bedroom.

The rest of the cottage consisted of a bathroom and a small main room full of mismatched furniture and with what one might consider a kitchenette. 

Nile plugged in and turned on a hotplate and filled a kettle with water. She opened the pantry and was surprised to find a half used package of instant coffee. It took her a moment to realize that it was hers, left here from the previous stay in October.

She couldn’t help but smile to herself. Silly as it sounded, it was nice to find something she knew she had left behind for herself.

She glanced around the room, the little touches of each member of her new family were evident. Various swords hung on the wall above the small dining table. She was sure they were all sharp and battle ready. There was a single bookshelf that was full to bursting, with piles of books on the ground all around it.

Despite the cottage’s pathetic excuse for a kitchen there were nice pots and pans and a stand alone pantry pushed against the wall next to the small counter that currently held the slowly heating up hot plate. That would have been Ncky’s doing, Nile thought with a smile.

The water finally came to a boil and Nile made herself a cup of coffee. She looked out the window at the Welsh countryside and took a long slow sip of her coffee.

She started when she heard the door to the bedroom quietly click open behind her.

She wheeled around to see Nicky stepping into the main room, and closing the door behind him once more with another soft click.

“Good morning.” Nicky said quietly. He crossed the small room and took out a mug to poor himself some of the hot water.

“Sorry I woke you.” Nile said.

She opened the pantry and fished out a tin of tea. But when Nile turned to offer it to Nicky, he was already stirring in some of the instant coffee mix.

“It’s fine,” He said with a smile. And when he saw Nile’s look of surprise, “Sorry, do you mind if I have some of your coffee?”

“You never drink coffee.” Nile said, not really answering his question.

“I think you’ll find words like ‘never’ rather useless when talking to a 900 year old man.”

“I just mean- I’ve never seen you drink coffee. You have a cup of tea. Every morning. For seven months”

“We go through phases,” Nicky said, taking a small sip of his coffee, “Joe was particularly fond of coffee for most of the 1600’s.” 

“An entire century is a particularly long phase.”

Nicky chuckled. 

A comfortable silence fell over them for a while after that. Nicky sat at the small dining table and opened a book he had left there the night before. Nile stared out the window watching the morning fog burn off as the sun rose higher.

She thought about how much had happened in the two months since the previous time they had been to this safe house. None of them had died, thank god. But Nile had been shot twice in the leg, and Joe had taken the butt of a gun to the back of the head, knocking him out just two days ago.

Booker had had his throat cut so deep that Nile thought he was about to fade out as she held the wound together. Luckily he had pulled through, his healing repairing the damage as if nothing had happened. 

Try as she might to distract herself though, her thoughts returned to her birthday. Surely it wasn’t something that should bring her this much anguish. She was not the type of person to care about getting older, let alone now when nothing would change.

But she had seen the way immortality weighed heavily on Andy and Booker. She had even glimpsed it’s sting in Joe and Nicky’s eyes, though they were better at hiding it. At least from her.

“Did you dream of Quynh?” Nicky asked after nearly a half hour had passed.

“What?” Nile said, genuinely confused, “Oh- no. I had just been thinking and forgot I was in a room full of jumpy, trigger happy warriors. I sighed too loudly.”

“Was that what woke me?” Nicky smiled, “Perhaps I am a bit jumpy.”

Nicky returned his eyes to his book, but it really didn’t look like he was reading. In fact Nile was pretty sure she hadn’t heard him turn a single page in his book this whole time.

“It’s my birthday.” Nile said before she could overthink it.

“I know.” Nicky said simply, taking another sip of coffee, and lifting his eyes to meet hers.

“You-” Nile shook her head, a confused smile spreading over her face, “You know?”

“December 10th, 1994.” Nicky said as if that was an explanation.

Nile took a seat at the table with him.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Nile asked, and then hastily added, “I mean- I just feel kind silly for trying to hide it now.”

“I wasn’t sure that you wanted to celebrate.” Nicky said.

“It does feel strange.” Nile said.

“It always does.” Nicky said, he took a deep breath before continuing, “I’m afraid that won’t change.”

“Do you celebrate?” Nile asked, “I’ve been with you all for the better part of a year and I don’t think any of you have mentioned birthdays. Do you even remember yours?”

“October 22nd,” Nicky said, “On the Gregorian calendar at least.”

“So you remember, you just don’t celebrate.”

“Sometimes we do. Big numbers, milestones.” Nicky said, “Booker’s 249th birthday was two days ago. Next year we’ll probably do something. But generally no, we don’t celebrate as a group.”

“As a group.” Nile turned the word choice over in her head, “So that’s Nicky and Joe speak for you guys celebrate each other's birthdays without Booker and Andy.” -or me.

Nicky laughed, nodded, and took another drink of coffee.

“Wait- October 22nd? The last time we were here was on your birthday.”

“That’s true. This is one of my favorite safe houses, I imagine Andy picked it for that reason.”

“I missed your birthday. And I could have done something- gotten you a present or made you a cake.”

“I don’t need anything from you Nile.” Nicky said.

“I know you don’t need anything. But if you want to celebrate with someone I could have made an effort-”

“Do you want to celebrate today Nile?” Nicky cut her off.

Nile blinked at him for a moment. Did she?

“I’m not sure. With Andy and Booker the way that they are- it feels selfish.”

“Forget about them. Do you want to celebrate?”

“I think so?” Nile took a deep breath and tried to order her thoughts, “This will be one of the last birthday’s that my age reflects how I look. One of the last times my birthday will have meaning beyond just being a piece of trivia to remind me of how long I’ve been frozen in time. So yes, I think I do.”

“Good.” Nicky said with a small smile. He got up from the table.

Nicky disappeared into the bedroom and for a moment Nile dreaded him popping back out with everyone to surprise her. But no, that wasn’t Nicky's style. 

Instead, he returned a minute later carrying a small rectangular package.

“Happy birthday Nile.” Nicky said simply as he placed it in front of her, and took his seat once more.

“Nicky-” Nile started, but her words seemed to evaporate in her throat.

“Open it.” Nicky said, his smile was the biggest she’d seen it in months.

She took the lid off the box and found the unmistakable shape of a white jewelry box.

“When my sword, my first sword, the one I brought with me to the holy land from Genova, began to deteriorate beyond repair it was Joe who suggested I melt the steel down to keep. A memory from my previous life.”

Nile took it out and opened it slowly, in it was a delicate silver charm bracelet. On it was a single, rough looking charm.

“Joe wears a piece of it on a chain around his neck.” Nicky continued.

Nile knew exactly the charm he was talking about. A simple rectangle of metal that hung low from Joe’s neck.

“Booker has a vein of the steel in a ring that he hardly wears, Andy has an earring, though I haven't seen her wear it in decades,”  Nicky paused, “Quynh had a piece too, on an anklet. Though I suppose it’s rusted away to nothing by now.” 

Nile stared down at the bracelet, unsure what to do next. Nicky took a deep breath, She could hear the slight quiver in his breathing that he tried to suppress.

“I have more though, I’ll replace Quynh’s when we find her.” Nick said. He extended his hands out toward the box, “May I?”

Nile nodded and pushed the box toward him. He removed the bracelet and held it up for her, fastening around her wrist when she offered it.

“Don’t feel obligated to wear it every day, or even often. Joe tries not to wear his on missions if he can help it.”

Nile took a closer look at the charm, it was a square, rough and unpolished, much like Joe’s. She had never gotten a close look at Joe’s pendant so she didn’t know what if anything was etched into the metal. But as Nile turned the square of rough steel over in her hand she noticed a tiny but intricate cross indented into one of the corners.

“I don’t-” Nile started, she laughed and then a small sob escaped her throat, “Thank you.”

“You are very welcome.” Nicky said, his smile was back to the small one she was used to.

“Well now I have to get you something.” Nile laughed out another sob, followed by another, and then she was full on crying.

Nicky moved around the table to stand in front of Nile and pulled her into an awkward hug while she still sat. Her head fell into his chest and she threw her arms around his waist.

“Hey. Hey- shhhhh.” Nicky said. He placed a hand on the back of her head, the other arm wrapped around her shoulders and held her tight to him as she let the sobs rock her body for a minute.

“I’ll have other birthday’s Nile, as will you. Don’t pay it any mind. I don’t need anything. Though I imagine that’s not why you’re actually upset.”

Nile nodded against Nicky’s chest, vaguely aware that a wet spot was forming where her tears had soaked into Nicky’s shirt. He held her there for what seemed like hours, but in reality was probably less than a quarter of an hour. Until her sobs had subsided into the occasional uneven breath. 

“You haven’t missed Joe’s birthday yet.” Nicky finally said.

Nile laughed, pulled back from the hug, and wiped tears away from her cheeks.

Nicky took a step back, and placed his hands on his hips. He looked very fatherly in that moment, which made Nile’s heart ache, but it also warmed it ever so slightly.

“What about Andy?”

“I don’t know hers,” Nicky said, “But I don’t think she ever knew her birthday. She’s older than the idea of a calendar, or at least in the way we experience years and months.” 

Nicky stood in front of her for a minute longer before grabbing both of their mugs and taking them to the bathroom, where the only sink in the cottage was located.

Nile took another closer look at the charm. She suspected that the cross that was pressed into the metal had more significant meaning than just their shared faith in a higher power. She would have to ask him about it later when she was feeling less emotional.

Nicky returned but he didn’t hover, instead choosing to grab his book and move to an armchair by the front door.

When Joe got up at last he gave her a wink and pointed at the bracelet.

“It looks good.” he said, and then went to kiss Nicky good morning. 

Andy and Booker followed shortly thereafter, and the day passed mostly like any other.

That night she lay in the same bed she had started her day in, her heart much lighter. While it hadn’t been like any other birthday she had celebrated, it had been nice.

She got the distinct feeling that they were all aware it was her birthday. Even though no one else directly acknowledged it. 

Booker had gone for a run with her and sparred with her before lunch. Which wasn’t necessarily abnormal, but she did get more than one hit on him that she was pretty sure he let her land.

Andy was a tougher one to crack, but given that she had chosen this house for Nicky’s birthday and now hers, Nile felt like it wasn’t a coincidence. 

Nicky, with a little help from Joe, made a surprisingly good deep dish pizza using the fireplace for dinner.  Another thoughtful gesture that was not lost on her.

Nile looked up at the now familiar ceiling. And turned the charm around her wrist in her fingers.

She felt different. This wasn’t the first time she’d had to grapple with the consequence of her newly acquired immortality in the seven months she’d had it. But it was the first time she’d felt generally ok with it.

Up until now Nile had felt mostly like she had only lost things since she died for the first time. She had lost the world as she knew it, her life as she knew it. She had lost her family, and a home to call her own.

But for the first time she felt aware of how much she was gaining. The feeling of safety that only came with home. She genuinely felt excited to make her mark on countless safe houses all over the world. 

Family. Each of the other members of the Guard had already felt like a new family to her, but something about the simple understanding of today had made her feel loved in a way she had never experienced before. Each of their reactions to her birthday seemed to fit them all perfectly.

Things were different now, but she liked the small place she was carving out in their family.

Twenty-six years on this earth. She looked forward to what Twenty-seven would have in store for her.

((Available on AO3 as well, link on my tumblr 💜))

[leam1983]

On Grief

This is a long one. You're under no obligation to push further if you don't want to. It's a personal post, so I'll more than understand if this isn't to your tastes. The normally-scheduled pedantry, commentary and memes will resume shortly.

One of my relatives was diagnosed with ALS. What started as an odd case of palsy in her left set of vocal cords that could've been far more benign was just confirmed by her referred physician. It's Lou Gherig's, and with her age and current condition, her prognosis is of three to five years, tops. Sure, Stephen Hawking blew his own prognosis out of the water, but a combination of notoriety and luck enabled him to eke out as much existence as medical tech could've possibly allowed.

We knew things were suspect when my aunt, a marathoner with a monthly sub to Runner's World, stopped running. Her food intake dropped like a stone, and she soon took to increasingly simple painting and drawing styles. At first we thought it was just her wanting to explore simpler rendering techniques, but then...

Then we noticed the twitching. How awkwardly her pens and brushes were set in her hands. She was in great shape and didn't mind living in the ass-end of Sutton, basically in the open country and with a path leading up to her front door that was all in rough cobblestones. She broke a hip against them, last year.

Her speech started to slur, lately. Her last bike trip also landed her in the ER. She doesn't bike anymore. She doesn't run, and being a gourmand by nature, feels obligated to restrain herself, for fear of gaining weight. She's aggressively vegan. Not towards others, but towards herself. No meat, no eggs, nothing. Most of us ovo-lactos and omnivores in the family know her constant snacking meant her seventy-plus body is desperate for energy.

From the look of things, it feels like the diagnosis broke through her bullshit reasoning for being vegan. She wasn't vegan for the sake of limiting her carbon footprint or making more responsible choices at the grocery store, but because she, as a lifelong anorexic, thought she was ugly and needed to lose weight. That's been a constant with her. Age catches up and skin sags? She mistakes it for a love handle, cuts out virtually all sources of protein and carbs safe for tofu, seitan and bean-based preps. Of course, like a lot of anorexics, she'd have bulemic episodes. I used to sleep over at her last bachelor pad, as a teen, and I remember her pantry was loaded up for bear with Danish cookie tins, Nutella jars and whipped cream. I remember she invited me over specifically when she intended to cheat. Then it was back to yoga, pot-smoking, meditation and shopping runs - and she probably kept her purging for when I was gone.

So yeah. I'm betting Belgian Asshole (see one of my previous posts) convinced her to break her vows and went looking for a "slice of authentic Tikka Masala", to quote his email. The entire family is made up of ethnic food diehards, so we spam-flooded his inbox with recommendations. Looks like she'll be eating meat again, soon. Her own email mentioned concerns of strength and stamina, so I get it.

Otherwise? We're gobsmacked. Imagine spending an entire weekday both at work and off work, aggressively goofing off because you're trying as hard as you can not to think of your favourite aunt's mention of assisted suicide as an option.

Three to five years. Maybe one, or two good Christmases. After that, her condition should probably have started to deteriorate quickly.

I'm not close with a ton of my own family. I love them all, but it's more a sense of polite respect than anything involving solid bonds. The only two folks I know I'll be devastated for when they'll die are her, and my youngest cousin on the other side of the family.

I'm mostly okay now. No doubts, no crisis of unbelief, no anger, no rage... But then I'll see her in a more diminished state, one of those days. How am I going to take to it?

Part of me keeps a tally of the deaths in the family. First, it was my uncle on my mother's side. Ruptured abdominal artery, with a leak small enough to pool into the gut's cavity for months. Decay settled in, guy got anesthetized for an intervention...

They didn't even bother sewing him back up.

Second one was my other paternal aunt's new husband. First one was great, but left the country in the seventies to go live in Stockholm with his medical assistant. Second one was a geologist and physicist at the same campus she taught as. French guy, the son of innkeepers four generations down. It showed, too. Our Christmas tables haven't been the same since he left us his recipie books, all his corny jokes on provincial eating habits, and his obstinate focus on turning every 25th of December into a Roman orgy probably befitting of the old Saturnalia traditions. I mean, when's the last time you've had an eight-course meal, outside of Thanksgiving?

Tumors in his mesenteric artery lined the blood vessel's inner walls, deposited virtually everywhere in his body. He was diagnosed in June and dead by August. He'd always been the lanky type, bone-thin even if he hoovered food like he'd never have enough. He looked even thinner in his hospital bed.

Then, my maternal grandpa bit it. Decades of casual alcoholism, cirrhosis more or less jumping on him around his seventy-sixth year. He looked a bit like John Keston, the actor who played Gehn in CyanWorlds' Riven. Same hairline, same hawkish nose, same eyes - just more Cajun and less New England-esque. I don't know if it was youth or stupidity or - anything, really, but I dropped by to see him, just two days before he died. I didn't realize he was tallying my life, asking me if I had everything in order, if things were planned.

Now, I understand.

Next one on the chopping block is Aunt Doris, still on Mom's side. She of the serial mooching, she of the concept of not needing much to get by if you were the cute one of the family. She was pretty enough in her prime, sure - if by pretty you meant "cigarette-butt blonde with a discount Farah Fawcett blow-up and an unfinished High School degree". First husband was an abusive ass who gave her an uncommonly sensitive son, second one figured she'd stick to the minimum-wage circuit while he tore out rotator cuffs or busted his C7 while on his outboard like clockwork. By the end, she roped my grandmother into living with her, spent her days sloppy-drunk and died on her ratty couch while falling asleep and choking on her own vomit.

Before them all, the youngest of my uncles died at age two. Cancer. Never knew which one, was told it didn't matter. You didn't survive much of anything cancerous, back in the late fifties.

Ping-pong this back to three years ago, and my oldest paternal uncle dies. Paul, who smoked like a chimney for most of his life and successfully stopped after discovering Champix. He got to live five great years as the high-IQ oddball he'd always been, smoke-free. Paul was the weird bird in the family, the type to remember a really engrossing story at two in the morning and making a note to call you up first thing in the morning to share it. He always had a project of some sort to work on, like a simulated investors' tank for young entrepreneurs looking to learn the ropes, or a Byzantine arrangement of coaxials allowing four of his lakeside neighbours to pirate his cable sub. He'd invite us over for dinner, gather all the ingredients we'd need for whatever it was he wanted to treat us to - and then he'd let us cook it - just sitting by the sidelines, chatting away.

He was also a bit of a narcoleptic, and looked a bit like William Howard Taft if you'd worked him out of these old sack suits and into modern shirts and suspenders. He fell asleep practically everywhere, with his more wakeful environments being his workshop and his property's dock. He took me out fishing, once, and knew what the entire family expected.

"Oars're here, Gremlin, fish're that way. Wake me up when you've got a bite."

At this point, it wasn't even a point of concern; it was just an Uncle Paul Thing, the exact thing you'd have expected out of this kind, eccentric blob of a man whose idea of fishing involved pushing his hat over his eyes and basically all but ensuring that his roaring snores would scare prey away. He'd been a supposedly high-IQ type, terminally bored with almost everything, only really getting agitated and interested back when I asked him for help for my Junior High Computer class's Javascript calculator. Once the syntax hit something familiar and he realized that JS has some similarities with FORTRAN, he was on a roll, acting like someone had snuck a Red Bull in his coffee.

Well, fibrosis caught up with him. His last hours were spent directing us on how to cook what would've been his last meal. I think he really just wanted to know we were alright, that we still could exchange laughs around the kitchen counter. He clocked out the way he always did, except he had an oxygen tube running under his nose. His head bobbed down, he snored loudly for a few minutes, then turned increasingly quiet...

And that was it.

And now there's Isabelle. The marathoner, my partner-in-crime when it comes to professing to have a healthy diet while occasionally cheating in glorious, weekend-defining means, my gateway to cannabis and also the first person who took my cringy self-insert fanfic fodder and went No, that's worth it! Push it, develop that universe of yours!

I wouldn't be almost two-thirds of the way through my first decent manuscript, if not for her, and I wouldn't be shopping for publishers with the same energy you'd reserve for weekend-grade Facebook putzing-about. I owe her part of my self-acceptance, and part of my discovery of what defines my routine to this day. Isabelle was my first meditation coach.

And in three to five years, she might be gone.

I just thought grief might be... noisier, is all. Louder. Right now, it's just germane to confusion, and it's sitting there. There's a pinch of fear in it, too. My parents are in their mid-sixties. How long do I have left with them?!

And the family and I just covered that up with jokes and, well, cooking. I've been told I'd make a half-decent therapist but - navigating your own emotions is hard work...

I don't know. I guess I needed to put this down somewhere.

[halfway-happyyy]

An Invisible String

AN: This is something I’ve been working on for quite a while now, and it is a little different than my usual pieces. It will probably be about three or four installments. If you enjoy it (or even if you don’t) (I don’t do too many chaptered pieces... like, ever) please feel free to send feedback. Warnings include: mentions of suicidal tendencies, depression, anxiety, past mentions of domestic physical and mental abuse. Loosely inspired by the music video for ‘High Hopes’ by Kodaline.

Synopsis: Depressed, suicidal and recently single Alexander Skarsgård is at the end of his rope. But he is about to find out that no matter where you come from, what your pain looks like, or what your truth is... The universe will always fight for souls to be together.

part 2, part 3

“I mean… Maybe, somehow, something good will come of all this change.”

Those words had chimed through the confines of his brain like a clear bell, multiple times since he had last laid eyes on her. He sighed heavily and drew an arm back to cast his fishing line out into the great blue abyss before him. Though he had loved his wife with every fiber of his being, he had grown to detest her incessant need to find the positives in every single situation, towards the dissolution of their ten-year marriage.

“Oh, Alexander.” She caressed a warm palm against the curve of his stubbled cheek. “I just think it wasn’t in the cards for us, my love.”

A single day had not passed that he did not wish his relationship with her had ended differently. Past arguments, miniscule or gargantuan in scale often played on a loop in his mind like a scratched record. Was there anything within his power that he could have done to make her stay? He had concluded a while ago that that question would likely torment him for the rest of his life if he let it. And as the burnt orange sun sank low over the Baltic Sea, he took solace in the fact that he would not have to wonder long at all.

Three hundred and sixty-five days had elapsed since his wife had left him, and daily routines had been mostly kept the same. He still managed to get up every morning, still went for walks around the park. Every now and then he would strap on his hip-waders and fish for hours, and when he was finished, he would go home and shower and then head to the pub for the evening. He found early on that there was not enough alcohol in the world that he could consume to drown out the dreams of her. Frustratingly, days took longer to get through. And it was not that he minded the sudden aloneness… As the eldest brother of seven siblings he had come to enjoy solitude. Quiet mornings out on the water, even quieter evenings at home with a warm fire and a book. It was the fact that this loneliness had been thrust upon him like an extremely unwanted gift. He had no idea what to do with it. So, after careful consideration he made up his mind one morning over a cup of scalding, black coffee that just simply disappearing would probably be the easiest solution to his problems. She had clearly moved on, and it was only fitting that he try and do the same as well… just on a more permanent level. So, he allowed himself a week to set his affairs in order, left a letter for each of his siblings, and on a Friday morning in mid-May took the car to a field a few blocks away from his house. He fixed one end of the hose to the exhaust pipe with an old sock, and the other he fed back into the car from the front window. He could not begin to guess how long this whole ordeal would take, and he wondered briefly if it would be as insignificant as simply falling asleep. Just as he was about to turn the ignition over, he heard in the distance the sound of muffled yelling. He glanced towards the rearview mirror but could make out nothing of consequence, so he sat back a moment and listened. The yelling grew louder, and another glance to the rearview mirror offered something he could not quite make sense of. A woman was running full tilt towards his car, the edges of her white wedding dress clutched tightly in both fists. As she approached the car faster, he noticed a mob of angry men crest the hilltop behind her and she stopped at his door, her chest heaving under the duress of the journey she had just completed. Mascara cascaded down her face like raindrops down a windowsill and she cocked her head to the side in unabashed astonishment. “Alexander?” She inquired, breathlessly.

In a state of shock, he opened his door to get out and stocked around to the back of the car, yanking the hose and sock from the exhaust pipe. He then wandered to the passenger side and held the door open for her which she had obliged gratefully. He paid no more attention to the fast-approaching group of men as he tossed the hose and sock into the backseat and shoved the car into drive. An eerie silence befell the vehicle while his passenger tried to catch her breath. Alexander found the questions he wanted to ask her were suddenly boundless; What on earth could Thea McHugh be doing in this field, in a wedding dress of all things? Where was she going? And most importantly, what had happened to her? He scratched a hand uncomfortably along the strip of stubble beneath his chin, formulating how best to broach the first subject. “Thea… my god. What- where can I bring you?”

She took a steadying breath and turned to him, gaze downcast. “I have nowhere to go.”

He allowed himself a second to take his focus from the road to glance at her. “You don’t reside around here?”

She shook her head. “I lived with my fiancé.”

Alexander was not entirely sure when he had made the decision to bring her back to his home, but if he had to guess, it was probably around the time she had pulled the discarded sock over her fist and used it as a macabre hand puppet. Halfway through the drive he noticed the tip of his silver flask peeking out from beneath the leather interior of his side door and he offered her some of its contents, which she accepted graciously. Neither of them said much as he drove up the lane to the house in which he had bid goodbye not less than two hours earlier. He shifted the car into park and sat unmoving, sparing himself a few moments to try and figure out what the fuck he was going to do now. “Is there anyone I can call for you?” He asked after a while.

She shook her head wordlessly.

Alexander elicited a small sigh and glanced toward the stone structure a few yards away, hardly believing the words that had begun to take shape in his mind. “Listen… I’ve got plenty of space here, if you need a few days to get your feet back on solid ground.”

Her eyes widened and she shook her head no, her pink lips parting in protest. “I couldn’t intrude on you like that… we’re strangers now.”

“Yeah, well… we weren’t always.” He shrugged slowly and took a steadying breath. “Look- there is a motel a few miles down the road that I would be happy to take you to… but I wouldn’t suggest it to my worst enemy. And by the sounds of it, you don’t have any close kin around anymore,” Again, he scratched a hand through the stubble on the underside of his chin. “And your business is entirely your own Thea, but if you need a place to stay, and if you’re not too weary of strangers,” He was not sure how much he liked the sound of that word. “Then I think I could be of some assistance to you.”

She offered up a small smile. “If it really wouldn’t be too much of an imposition- I would be very appreciative, thank you.”

Clambering out of the vehicle, he made his way over to her side of the door and opened it so that she could exit. She followed him up the narrow, cobbled path to the front door and stood a few feet behind him while he fumbled around in his pocket for the keys. He took a deep breath, fit the key into the lock and pushed the door open. He leant against the frame for support as she quietly stepped past him into the darkened entrance. “It's not much…” He found himself murmuring as he watched her take in her current surroundings.

She turned to him, eyes glimmering vibrantly in the waning dusk light. “It's more than enough. Thank you, Alexander.”

He cleared his throat and offered her a curt nod in response, pushing himself back from the wooden doorframe. “I'll be right back with some clothing… for you.” He fished around at the back of his wardrobe for a pair of tattered sweatpants, a t shirt and sweater. When he returned moments later, she had found herself a seat at the kitchen table, her gaze fixed out the garden window at something unseen. She smiled graciously and accepted the clothing with a quiet thank you. “The washroom is down the hall on the left.” He watched her disappear and turned to brace himself against the kitchen sink. Five minutes had elapsed before he heard the familiar creak of the opening bathroom door. He waited for any other indication that she was coming back but when he missed it, he followed the sound of the silence. He found her perched inside the threshold of another room in which he made a conscious habit of completely forgetting was there. He cleared his throat to make his presence known and she turned to him, eyes wide.

“May I go in?”

Alexander shifted uneasily on the spot. Finally, he shrugged his shoulders and conceded. “Sure.”

He had accidentally picked up painting a year and half after he had gotten married. His studio had never really meant to be one for art, but rather a nursery for the baby girl who never quite made the journey into the world. He had returned home after a fishing weekend away with his brothers to find that his wife had done away with everything in the room except that she had left behind an easel, a tin of brushes, and numerous tubes of oil paint.

Thea wandered slowly around the room, absorbing the canvases adorning almost every square inch of space. He marveled at how bizarre it was to feel so naked in front of someone he never thought he would see again. He watched her trace a feather-light touch over an angry mass of scarlet paint on one of the last canvases he had ever worked on. She let her hand drop to her side and turned to him, eyebrow cocked in question. “When did you get into painting?”

He scratched absentmindedly at a spot on the back of his neck. “About twelve years ago, now.”

“These are gorgeous.”

Alexander chewed anxiously at the hollow of his cheek. “They used to help pass the time.” He allowed himself a moment to regard her in the dim evening light of the room. His clothing fit loose on her, and he tried in vain to ignore the questions creeping back into his mind. There still existed something entirely alluring about her; perhaps it was the way that she still seemed so much like the eighteen-year old girl he had fallen for so many years before- time had been kind to her. Or maybe it was the simple fact that she had known him long before his life cracked open and fell apart. Not caring much for where this train of thought was taking him, he cleared his throat and gestured to the kitchen. “I'm going to get something together for dinner.”

Eating together had been a quiet affair. He had found that the questions he had been burning to ask earlier felt inappropriate at this point, so he simply kept to himself. It also did not help that he was entirely unaccustomed to having another living, breathing person in the house with him. When she was finished eating, Thea excused herself from the table to rinse her dishes and gestured with her chin to his empty plate. “Are you finished?”

“All done,” Alexander confirmed and rose from his chair to join her at the sink. “You don’t need to do that…” He murmured as he watched her turn the tap to full hot and pump three gobs of green dish soap into the water beneath her.

Thea shrugged indifferently. “It’s the least I can do. Dinner was delicious, by the way.”

He glanced over at the fried cod in the cast-iron pan, and at the garden-picked green beans in the yellow flowered dish next to it on the stove. He had never been much of a cook, so he suspected that she had merely said that to be polite, but he accepted the compliment with another curt nod regardless. When the dishes were done, he cleared his throat and swayed from side to side, hands buried deep in his denim pockets. “I can give you a quick tour of the place if you’d like.” Thea smiled softly and nodded her head in agreeance. He stocked down the hardwood floored hallway, intending to show her to her room first. The door had been closed and he hesitated a second before opening it to reveal a quaint guest room. He flicked on the light and stood back as she wandered into the room, taking every inch of it in. The walls had been washed in a robin’s-egg blue, and a wicker chair stood in the corner of the room next to a white pain-chipped wardrobe. White floor-length linen curtains hung from the windowsill beneath a cream-coloured wire bedframe. “If there’s anything you need…” He offered awkwardly. “Extra blankets, or anything of the like… please let me know.”

Thea turned to him; her arms wrapped protectively around her frame and offered up a small smile. “I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

He turned on his heel and left without saying anything, assuming she would follow which she did. “The bathroom is here, the handle on the toilet can be a bit dodgy so just watch out for that when you can.” He wracked his brain for any other useful information that he could offer up. “Uh and the bathtub…” He gestured with his chin to the white claw-foot tub beneath the cracked window. “The water tends to get extremely hot incredibly fast so you may need to run the cold water a little bit beforehand.” He nodded his head in finality, took one last look around the washroom and left her be.

Sleep had continued to evade him that night as it had almost every night for the past two years. The questions had been ceaseless; each time he had just nearly drifted off, another one swam into his mind’s eye and he found himself obsessing over it. What was he thinking bringing her into his house? Why had he even entertained the idea in the first place? What was it about her? He lay awake until the clock next to his bed read ‘3:47 A’, and the birdsong floating in on the half-open window helped to lull his body into a fitful slumber. He jolted awake a few hours later to the sound of a crash in the direction of the kitchen. A cold sweat had broken out over the expanse of his naked upper body, and he fought to keep his breathing slow and steady while he came to the realization that he was not alone anymore. He fumbled around in the dawn light for the beige cable-knit sweater next to his bed, which he threw over himself with a shiver. The scent of sizzling butter in a hot pan greeted him first, followed by freshly brewed coffee. It made his mouth water and it struck him that he could not remember the last time he had been genuinely hungry for food. He was not entirely sure what he would find when he rounded the corner to the kitchen, so when he saw Thea’s form bent over the stove he was taken aback. He stood staring longer than he cared to admit, while she scrambled what looked like eggs, a furrowed expression heavy on her face. She pulled back from the stove to glance around the area, searching for something unknown. “Are you looking for the salt?” He had startled her because she pulled back from the stove as if she had been burned, her eyes wide and alarmed. 

She shook her head slowly. “The pepper…” 

Alexander jutted his chin towards the hanging shelf above her head. It was adorned with bottles of olive oil, a dish of salt and sugar, and a pepper grinder. She smiled gratefully at him and reached for it. “I think I woke you up…” She murmured as she twisted the black grinder above the eggs cooking in the pan. “I’m sorry.”

Alexander shook his head wordlessly and pulled out the chair at the kitchen table. “I’m not uh… exactly used to having someone else around so there isn’t really much I don’t miss.”

“I took the liberty of cooking some breakfast. I couldn’t remember how you took your eggs, so I decided to play it safe and scramble them.” She turned to face him; her expression unreadable. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind.” He watched her fumble around for the cupboard with the plates and almost gave in when she elicited a triumphant ‘a-ha!’ And pulled two ceramic yellow plates from the cupboard in the far corner. “Mugs are in the cupboard next to it,” He offered easily. She threw him back a thumbs up in response.

“Do you still take your coffee black?” She asked.

Alexander scrubbed a palm down the side of his stubbled cheek. “Yes please.”

She joined him at the table a moment later, setting down his plate of steaming eggs, fresh buttered toast and a sliced apple. She poured him a cup of coffee which he thanked her for and watched her spoon two heaping spoonsful of sugar into her own mug. They were silent as they went to work on their breakfasts, both basking in the warm sunny glow from the open kitchen window. “How did you end up out here, if I may ask?” She asked once she had taken her last bite of egg.

Alexander swallowed back a mouthful of the deliciously warm liquid and shook his head. “I moved out here when I met my wife.”

The only indication that Thea had been surprised at this revelation was by the way her expressive gaze widened the slightest bit. She too stole herself a sip of coffee before she asked her next question. “And you live here… alone now?”

“I do.” He tipped the last of the liquid into his mouth and removed himself from the chair, taking her empty plate as he did so. “Thank you for the breakfast.”

“It was my pleasure.”

After the morning wash-up, Alexander excused himself to tend to some things that needed done around the house. They were menial tasks; a broken hinge to a door in the basement, a couple of the chairs in the kitchen were loose and falling apart and were in dire need of some good, old fashioned hammer and nails. They were simple undertakings that he had never intended to make good on- Because as far as he was concerned, and it was all written down in his will, his house would go to his brother Bill and their growing family. None of this would have been any of his problem if he had just followed through with his original plan yesterday. But as usual, and he was beginning to think that this was simply his lot in life, there was always something else just around the corner for him.

Dinner had been less of a quiet affair that evening. Alexander had come up earlier in the day to thaw a chicken he had found in the freezer that morning and had left it to roast in its own seasonings. Thea prepared roasted potatoes to go with it, and instead of making any semblance of a salad, (he very badly needed to grocery shop) he threw together a bowl of chopped cherry tomatoes, a few handfuls of garden-grown basil, fresh sliced red onions and balsamic vinegar. “You like cooking now?” Thea asked as she stood leant against the stove watching Alexander chop the cherry tomatoes.

Alexander offered up a gruff laugh in response. “Does anyone enjoy cooking, Thea?”

“Mhm, as a matter of fact lots of people do.”

He tossed the rest of the tomatoes into the glass bowl and reached for the onion. “I suppose you’re right… but I wouldn’t say it’s my favourite thing in the world.” He glanced over at her. “I think it’s one of those things that if you’re only doing it for yourself, it becomes more of a chore than a hobby.” Which was true for him at the very least. He had enjoyed cooking when he and his wife lived together but after she left, the passion for it had dissipated almost as suddenly as she had.

“Alexander, the chicken…” Thea’s voice, or rather the sound of his name from her mouth caught him off guard and shook him from his reverie. The timer on the oven had begun to elicit a high pitch whistling sound which he turned off and reached for a ripped dish towel on the counter below him. “Smells delicious,” She simpered as he pulled the scalding dish from the oven and set it on a hot plate at the set table.

“Yes well… hopefully it’s edible.”

Alexander had a hard time remembering a dinner in recent memory that was as satisfying as the one he had just consumed. He sat back in his chair; one arm slung around the top of the wooden frame. “What do you do for a living now, Thea?”

She swallowed the sip of wine she had just taken and set the glass against the wooden tabletop with a soft thud. “I owned a bakery and café downtown.” There was something familiar in the way her eyes twinkled in whatever light she happened to be in that made Alexander want to spend the next fifty years staring at her. He watched her trace a fingertip around the rim of her almost empty glass. “The business... went under two and half months before my wedding.” A silence had befallen them that was not necessarily uncomfortable. “How about you?” She asked after a while, meeting his gaze across the table.

Alexander shook his head. “I don’t work at the moment.” 

If she was surprised by this, she never let it show. “I’m sorry to hear that,” She offered softly. Alexander could hear the earnestness in her tone and believed her. “What did you do?”

He cleared his throat and deposited the rest of the white wine into his open mouth. “I owned an art gallery in town,” He glanced at the empty wine bottle and suddenly wished that there had been more. “I sold the business about a year and a half ago now. Just after my divorce was finalized.”

As the silence took shape around them, Alexander knew there existed something unspoken between the pair of them; some sort of invisible barrier which hindered either of them from asking what they so desperately wanted to know, which was: What on earth were you doing in that field yesterday afternoon?

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #381

“don’t try to be the one person who has stayed just to say they never left me”

Do you feel bored with your life? Always. Do you miss anyone who was mean to you in the past? I sometimes miss Colleen, but I know it's for the better that we no longer associate with each other. What’s the most weight you’ve ever gained from a medication? I don't know, but a fuck of a lot. Thanks, Abilify. Have you ever been suicidal? Yes. Do you pray? If yes, to whom? No. What do you miss about high school? Memories with Jason. What do you miss the most about college? Socializing. What was the best date you’ve ever been on? A triple date to an arcade w/ Jason and friends. What’s the last great song you discovered? The most recent one? I don't know, really. Do you feel free to post how you feel on Facebook? Yeah. Don't like what I post, delete me. Have you ever done cocaine? Yikes, no thanks. Do you think you’ll ever get married? Do you want to? I sometimes wonder if I ever will. I'm scared of just continuing to be an unemployed leech that is doing nothing significant with her life, in which case it's like, why even be with me romantically. I feel like such a dead end street. I want to get married someday. Who do you care about the most? When it comes down to it, probably my mom. Have you ever made out on a couch? Yeah. Would you ever get gauged ears? I want small gauges, actually. When it comes to clothing, are you the conservative type? Yes, because I hate my body and don't want others to see it. Do you enjoy eating? I wish I didn't. Have you ever ridden in a race car? No. Do you go out of your way to impress the opposite gender? No. Do you enjoy history? Not really, no. It bores me. Are you a pajama person or do you stay dressed all day? I'm just about always in my pjs. Do you value looks or personality more? Personality is way more important. Have you ever changed religions? Yeah. Born Roman Catholic, converted to Christianity when I further understood the differences, then I went to how I am now: I believe in something(s), but I don't quite know what. I wouldn't call myself a Neo-Pagan, but it's what I relate most to. Would you ever wear fake eyelashes? I would for like, my wedding. Foo fighters vs. Red Hot Chili Peppers: I'm actually not a big fan of either. Are you a fan of the SAW movies? I don't really watch them. Do you ever forget how old your siblings are? My two immediate sisters, I'm sometimes a year off. All my others, yes. :x Mountain Dew or Sprite? Mountain Dew, of course. I really don't like Sprite now, which is ironic because as a kid, it was my favorite soda. Could you ever give yourself a shot? Yeah. Have you ever worked as a cashier? That was one of my duties when I worked at a dollar store. If you are on birth control that allows you take pills and skip your period, how often do you opt to skip it? How come? My birth control doesn't allow me to skip, but rather, it regulates it. Is there a book series where you loved the first book, but for some reason the other books in the series just didn’t measure up? I can't say that, no, as most series I just kinda fell out of, like The Hunger Games. LOVED the first book, started the second, and even though I was enjoying it, I just stopped for some reason? Are there any stores/restaurants that you would like to shop/eat at, but there aren’t any located near enough to you? Haha yeah, like lots of west coast fast food places like Jack n' the Box or however it's formatted. If you were told by a professional that you were unable to become pregnant, how would that affect you? Is there something important to you about conceiving a biological child rather than adoption? And finally, if you even want to have children, would you choose adoption or surrogacy or would you go on childless? I don't even want kids, so honestly, I'd be stoked if I learned I was infertile. Wouldn't need to worry about the chance of getting pregnant and facing an abortion dilemma. Is there something that you did not used to take seriously, that you either now take seriously or wish that you had in the past (e.g., a relationship that you miss, your education, etc.)? Hm. I don't know. Are there any subjects that you are interested in so much that you would read whole books or academic journals about them? Meerkats, especially. I will read EVERY scientific article about them I find. Are you physically affectionate with your friends? I'm a hugger. When you were in middle school and high school, did you witness a lot of bullying? How did the teachers react to name-calling or violence? Not really, thankfully. Are any of your friends/relatives actually impressive artists or writers? Are you willing to share an example of their work? Yeah. I have a cousin who's really good at drawing, and my sister is a wonderful cake decorator. Do you drink more apple or orange juice? Orange. Could you forgive your best friend for sleeping with your gf/bf? My hypothetical bf/gf, no. Would you ever donate blood? I have before, and I would again if I knew I was hydrated enough and the opportunity was right there. Would you rather drink coffee or tea? Ugh, neither. Do you get easily embarrassed? YES. How long was your longest make out? TMI alert, like all night. If the person who hurt you most said they’re sorry would you believe them? I honestly don't know. Do you have sensitive skin? Very. What color is your mum's car? White. Do you live in an apartment? No. Do you have a pet fish? Nope. Are you happy with your eye color? I wish they were a more sapphire blue. Solid soap bar or liquid body wash? Absolutely liquid body wash. What color do you want your dream car to be? Baby pink. *-* Do you have more then one favorite band? I say I do, but at the same time I know Ozzy Osbourne will ALWAYS be #1. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship? In a relationship. But it's absolutely not something I'm about to force just for the sake of being in one. Would you be really upset if Facebook ceased to exist tomorrow? Nah. Have you or would you try shark meat? No to both. Do you know anyone that's pescatarian? No. Someone I watch on YouTube is, though. Are you shy or over confident around your crushes? Super shy. Do you think the govt. has a cure for cancer, but is hiding it from public? Hell, I think it's very well possible, but I lean more towards for financial hoarding, they simply don't further pursue potential cures that are discovered. I mean, just THINK about all the "future cures" you've read or heard about. It's fucking outrageous. It's all to fuel the medical industry. Okay, tin hat coming off. Last time you drank a diet soda? A very long time ago, because diet soda gives me a massive headache. Was your ex born in America? Only one wasn't. Name your favorite type of music and why. Metal. I for one just like the sound, and I find it very therapeutic when I'm especially mad or sad. Even when I'm in a good mood, I just enjoy it. I also feel that a lot of metal songs tell interesting stories and/or have very poetic lyrics. Do you own or have you read, or thought of reading any self-help books? I haven't, but I've considered it. Can you breakdance? Definitely not. Have you ever read a book and not understood it? If so which one? Yes. We were assigned this one war novel in middle school that was FUCKING AWFUL, like I was checked out the whole time. I don't remember its name or anything. Have you ever watched a movie and not understood it? If so which one? Yes; the Warcraft movie I mentioned in a recent survey. Orcs and their fucking deep-ass voice that I couldn't understand. Do you blowdry your hair? No. Tell me about your dream last night. Omfgggggg y'all. So, there's one invert pet that I've never understood the keeping appeal of, and that's giant centipedes. Their bites are notoriously excruciating, and they are just SO goddamn fast. Well, for some godforsaken reason, I wanted one as a pet. Got one, and it immediately got loose. Guess who wanted to shit herself lmao. Centipedes are very cool, but only from a distance, ya feel? Have you ever stayed in a fancy high-class rich hotel? No. Have you ever stayed in a rent-by-the-hour motel? I don't think so. Describe the worst fight you’ve ever been in whether physical or verbal. I'm not entirely sure about my *worst*, but I know it was with Mom. We've had a few. Have you heated any food in your microwave today? Yeah, a shrimp alfredo Lean Cuisine bowl. Do you own any items of clothing with cartoon characters on them? Yes. Have you ever played Animal Crossing? No, it doesn't seem like my kinda game. Do you own anything (e.g jewelry, accessories) with your initial on it? Yes, but none of which I personally bought because I don't really like them. Do you own any cats or dogs? What are their names? I have a cat named Roman. <3 Have you added any books to your shelves lately? Which? No. Have you bought any new cosmetics or toiletries lately? Which? No. Do your pets have a specific type of food that they prefer? Roman will eat whatever cat food he's given, while Venus, like your average ball python, is a picky eater. Like when I first got her, she wouldn't eat for almost a year because I just couldn't find a method through which she'd accept food. Now she consistently takes frozen/thawed small rats that have actually sat in warm water (versus doing it by hand under running water), and she generally won't strike it unless it's offered to her by tongs, but not dangling by the tail. Picky, picky miss thang. What's your favourite variety of apple? I'm not very particular about flavor so long as the apple is crisp. I canNOT do soft apples. Which of your physical features do you receive the most compliments about? My hair.

[novadust86]

The Best Laid Plans CH2

Chapter 2: Confessions of a teenage cat girl

Hermione was just finishing unpacking her trunk, and was working through what she needed to do: shelving her books; sorting her clothes, putting the clean ones away and putting the dirty ones, that the magic of Hogwarts haven't cleaned yet, in the hamper; and setting her photos of her parents and other nick nacks in their proper places.

The drive home had been filled with Hermione asking her parents how their year had been. Now that they were home she was expecting to be called downstairs for what she jokingly thought of as her interrogation. It had become a sort of tradition; on her first evening home from Hogwarts, Her parents would pick up a take-away* that broke all their rules about healthy eating and sugary drinks. Then, over the distractingly enticing dinner they would talk about what had happened while she was away at school.

It wasn't long before she heard her mum call for her. Hermione made her way to the dining room to find her parents at the table, ready with pizza and fried chicken, all steaming hot waiting for her. Hermione sat and served herself, savouring the unhealthy food that was a rare treat at home. In fact, now that she thought about it, it had been almost a year since she had last eaten pizza. It wasn't in the Hogwarts meal rotation that tended to favor classic British food, and she hadn't left Hogwarts at all this year.

“So, Kitten”, her father then winced at his phrasing. He had used the old nickname on reflex and immediately regretted it, worried how his daughter would take it. Hermione, however, was laughing at his reaction to his own perceived faux pas*. After getting herself under control she grinned back at him, “it’s ok dad, you can still call me kitten. You have been doing it for as long as I can remember…I’d miss it if you stopped.”

“Ok, then...kitten”, he seemed decidedly uncomfortable with using the nickname now, “in the letters we received from you and McGonagall, who says she’s your Head of House, we were expecting to see cat ears and a tail, but I don't, so did they find a cure...or did your teachers hide them for you?”

Hermione finished chewing her bite of pizza; the toppings were a favorite she shared with her mum, which were ham, mushrooms, pineapple and prawns. “They are hidden, but it was Harry who found a way to hide them. Not one of the teachers. He gave me this hair band today, the spells on it give me somewhere to put the ears. There is also a similar item for my tail.” She hesitated a second, then, checking that the curtains were closed and seeing that it was safe as they were alone, Hermione removed the hair band, revealing the brown and blond tabby cat ears for her parents to see.

Hermione sat there, waiting to hear what her parents would say. They sat in silence for what was probably only about thirty seconds, but they were the longest seconds of her life. Waiting for them to pass judgment on her. Would they think her a freak? Would they disown the monster she had become? Would they insist that she stop coming home from school at Christmas and Easter? Just do their job until they could kick her out once she finished school?

The anxiety-driven thoughts were driven from her head just as quickly when her mum spoke up finally, “Your ears look lovely dear”, with just those five words, Hermione relaxed immensely, feeling a tension she hadn't known she carried slip away, “Is your tail the same colour?”

Hermione's head bounced up and down, “Yes, I would show you, but taking the bag off my tail is difficult in this skirt”, it would also have been embarrassing, the high waist meant that the only way her tail could go was down. This was fine most of the time, but if she got happy or angry her tail tended to shoot up, and that was the last thing she wanted while in a skirt. 

“Did you say bag, Honey?” Her mother seemed a bit confused. Hermione slipped into her lecture mode as she explained to her parents about the three bags and how two of them were concealed in the hair band and how each of the bags had an undetectable expansion charm on them, that created extradimensional space inside the bags. Her parents caught on quickly and soon the whole family were having fun making Doctor who references.

“So, Hermione, you mentioned a few other changes in your letters. I think me and your mum need to hear them all”, the joking was over and they were back to the main topic. “Well...you know about the ears and tail. The ears give me better hearing. It's not magic, it's just that the ears are so big compared to normal ears. My taste in food changed a little, I like fish, chicken, milk and cheese more now”, her parents nodded along; the cheese part was new to them but Hermione had already mentioned in her letters about how her taste in food had changed. Mr Granger had already added a few tins* of different types of fish to the shopping when he picked up the groceries a few days ago. “I also understand cats better. I just seem to know what they are trying to tell me”, Hermione hesitated for a second, thinking about something else, before saying, “that's it.”

Her parents looked at each other, silently debating whether to push. One of the letters they had gotten from Hermione's Head of House had mentioned their daughter was now taking a potion once a month to manage some other aspect of her transformation. Her mother, who had a suspicion about it just what was about, suggested waiting when her husband spoke up, “Hermione we know there's more. Your Professor mentioned a potion you now need to take. Now tell us everything”, he usually wasn’t this harsh, but he was concerned for his daughter and to help her, he needed to know what was the problem.

Hermione sat in her seat fidgeting nervously. It wasn't that she was keeping it from her parents, just that she didn't want to talk about such things with her dad. It had been bad enough when Harry had asked about the potion, but she could tell Harry to drop it and he would listen. She knew that he was still worried about her, but he had relaxed a lot when she promised him it was nothing dangerous.

And it really wasn't, but how do you tell your new twelve-year-old boyfriend that the potion you are taking is to stop you from losing control and jumping him every month?

She definitely wasn’t ready to have that conversation with Harry and she didn’t think Harry was ready for it either. And Hermione really wasn’t ready to talk to her dad about it, “Um…dad, it’s...“, Hermione was trying to work out a way to phrase things when her mother came to her rescue, “Hermione honey, is this a mother-daughter discussion?” Hermione blushed, nodded and suddenly found a bit of lint in her lap very interesting, so interesting that she missed that her father was just as suddenly interested in one of the pictures on the wall. Her mother smiled at two of them; they were so alike at times.

The discussion moved on swiftly; the talk about the potion postponed until later, when the two Granger women could talk alone. They asked about Hermione's classes and how she thought she had done on her end of year tests. The two of them had found it odd that the Headmaster had canceled the end of year tests; they knew that some of them were rather important, the magical equivalent of O and A levels, so surely they couldn't just be canceled? Hermione thought that the people sitting their O.W.Ls and their N.E.W.Ts would have to do them over the summer., but agreed it sounded like a lot of hassle.

The dinner continued for a while longer; the three of them just enjoying being back together as a family, if only for the summer holidays.

---ϟϟϟ---

Hermione had just finished getting ready for bed and was about to go brush her teeth (she may have skipped the odd day here and there while she was at Hogwarts but she knew that she wouldn't get away with that at home) when her mum came in to her room, surprisingly carrying two large bowls of what looked to be chocolate caramel-swirl ice-cream. “Got time for a girly chat?” Hermione eyed the bowls of her own personal ice-cream nirvana suspiciously, her mother didn’t usually indulge in such unhealthy treats, “I think I could maybe find some time”.

The two of them sat cross-legged on Hermione's bed, each holding a bowl but the older of the two still holding on to the spoons, “So...fun questions first. It's boyfriend Harry now, not best friend Harry. what's the story there?” Her mum asked, grinning as she handed over Hermione's spoon. A smile came over Hermione's face as she remembered that happy moment, “it was in the hospital wing after Christmas. Ron and I had had a falling out over his legendary lack of tact. So at that point, it was only Harry coming to see me regularly. Lav and Pav popped in occasionally but Harry was there every day right up until curfew. Classes had started back up and Harry was helping me keep on top of everything, since I was unable to make it to classes.”

Hermione stopped talking for a bit to sample the ice-cream and gave a slight moan of pleasure. “Then Madam Pomfrey asked me to make a decision on something. She asked if I wanted to keep the cat eyes or change them back to normal. I chose to change them back; dad always said my eyes are like grandad's so I wanted to keep them. Anyway, to change them back I needed to take a potion every morning for six days. That was fine as I was already taking a lot of potions, so what was one more? Only...this one had a noticeable side effect.

While my eyes were changing my vision was blurry. I could see well enough to know if someone was there, or to walk to the bathroom and back, but I couldn't read, which you know would’ve been a problem for me. I was a little upset about that particular thing, and then Harry turns up about an hour later. It was a Saturday. And, he was with some of my favorite books. I told him that I couldn't read them because my eyes where being fixed, and that he may as well take them away. He looked at me for a few seconds and I couldn't see the look on his face, but I just know he had that smirk of his on his face, then he just sat down in the chair next to me and pulled out my copy of 'The Hobbit’ and started reading it out loud to me.”

Hermione paused to take another mouthful of ice-cream and her mother jumped in, “So let me get this straight; you were stuck without your books for a week and Harry just started reading them to you”, Hermione nodded slowly, her mouth still full of ice-cream,“Oh god, the poor boy is doomed. Only you would find love through reading, kitten.” Hermione giggled, then continued on after swallowing her bite, “well after about five hours in that chair I realized Harry had to be uncomfortable...so”, she paused for a second wondering how her mother would take it, “I-I moved him up onto the bed with me.” Seeing her mother beginning to smirk, she powered on with her tale;

“Before you say anything, the beds are adult-sized so the two of us fit quite comfortably. He came back every day to keep reading the books to me. Unlike some of the others I showed my muggle books, he was completely fine with them. I guess it was cause he grew up a muggle like me. We were two-thirds of the way through 'Return of the King’ before I was able to see normally again, but Harry hates to leave a job unfinished, and he kept reading to me till he finished.

Over the six days, I wasn't used to things being a bit different from my accident. Apparently, the cat hair I used in the potion came from an adult cat, well, Kneazle. Which is a type of magical cat which is why I couldn't be changed back all the way. The Kneazle magic, portion magic and my magic all got mixed up in a knot and won't come undone”, She took a deep breath, “And I am so glad it was a girl cat, that could have lead to problems I don't even want to think about.” Her mother's face went a little green as she thought of the possibilities. At this point, Hermione began blushing profusely, “But anyway...as the cat was an adult, it...well...I guess you could say I'm more ‘interested’ in boys than I normally should be...” Hermione was burning so hot by now that she was surprised she hadn't melted the ice-cream in her lap.

“So Harry was next to me, and after a few days, it just felt natural to snuggle up next to him. And too easy to dismiss it as a cat thing to cuddle up to something warm. One thing just sort of led to the next, and before I left the hospital wing we were a couple-” Her mother abruptly interrupted Hermione and asked cautiously, “and just what exactly did it lead to?” Her tone was conspiratorial, like two girlfriends gossiping. She didn't want Hermione to close her off, but inside she was of course a worrying mum. Just how far had her thirteen-year-old daughter gone with her boyfriend? 

“Well, let’s just say Harry is a good kisser. A really good kisser...” Mrs Granger relaxed immensely; while she still felt her daughter was a bit young, it sounded as though they had kept their clothes on at the very least. But there was more, “But, that kiss is what lead to Madam Pomfrey putting me on the potion dad asked about.” That sparked her mother’s interest, she had been intending to ask about that after hearing about Harry, but it seemed that they had reached the topic naturally.

“She felt that it was out of character for me to be kissing Harry quite so quickly and did some checking she hadn't thought about till then.” Hermione was now in a constant state of embarrassment, her blush reaching shades her mother hadn't seen since she had talked to her about being prepared for her monthly ‘visitor’. “It turns out I now go into heat like a cat and because the cat was an adult I have been thrown in at the deep end. The potion tones down the feelings I would have without it and lets me act more normally.”

Emma didn't know what to say; her daughter was embarrassed and obviously dealing with some real issues. She’d gone from being a budding teen girl less than six months from her first monthly visit to having to deal with a full-blown sex drive practically overnight. She set the two half-finished bowls of ice-cream on Hermione's writing desk and crawled over to her daughter, pulling her into a hug. “It's Ok honey, we can cope with this. It's going to be fine. aAnyway, you love Harry anyway, right?” Hermione nodded numbly in her mother’s arms and started crying, the last of the tension she had been holding for weeks finally finding an outlet.

They stayed like that for a while; the two replaying a scene as old as humanity, a Mother comforting her daughter on the cusp of leaving behind her childhood. After that, the two sat there talking for a good hour and a half, the Mother asking questions and doing the groundwork to help her Daughter cope with the new challenges that were waiting for her.

chapters 1-45 are avalable on https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13294547/1/The-Best-Laid-Plans and https://archiveofourown.org/works/18862810/chapters/44770174

[love-pyramus]

hi.

you're on a rock floating in space.

pretty cool, huh?

some of it's water.

fuck it, actually most of it's water.

i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat.

it's sad.

i'm sad.

i miss you.

how did this happen?

a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere.

when?

never.

makes sense, right?

like i said, it didn't happen.

nothing was never anywhere.

that's why it's been everywhere.

it's been so everywhere you don't need a where.

you don't even need a when.

that's how every it gets.

forget this.

i wanna be something.

go somewhere.

do something.

i want things to change.

i want to invent time and space.

and i know it's possible because everything is here and it probably already happened.

i just don't know when to start.

and that's exactly where it started.

whoah, i paused it.

i think there's a universe now.

what's it made of?

quarks & stuff

ah, that's a thing.

in a place.

don't like it?

try a new place.

at a different time™.

try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger.

and emptier.

but it's not empty yet.

it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.

great news!

the quarks are now happily married, in groups of three called a proton or a neutron

and there's something else flying around too that wants to join in but can't cause it's still too

HOT

great news!

the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other.

and some of them even doubled up.

great news, the electrons have now joined in

congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space.

but it's getting closer together.

and it's getting closer together.

and it's getting closer toge-

it's a star

new shit just got made!

some stars burn out and die.

bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit.

space dust

which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into

even crazier space dust

so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things.

like this ball of flaming rocks for example.

holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.

and it kind of made a mess.

which is

now the moon

weather update:

it's raining rocks from outer space.

weather update:

those rocks might have had water inside them, and now there's hot steam in the sky.

weather update:

cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava.

weather update:

it's raining.

severe flooding alert:

the entire world is now an ocean.

volcano alert:

that's land!

there's life in the ocean

what?

something's alive in the ocean

oh cool, like a plant or an animal?

no, a microscopic speck.

it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.

oh yeah, and it can do that.

it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself.

so that's pretty nifty, i would say.

tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?

now you can eat sunlight!

using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food

taste the sun

side effect: now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky's blue.

then the earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.

it's a sponge.

it's a plant.

it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.

it's the Cambrian explosion

"wow, that's animals and stuff"

but we're still in the ocean, hey, can we go on land?

no

why?

the sun is a deadly lazer

oh okay.

not anymore, there's a blanket

now the animals can go on land.

come on, animals, let's go on land!

nope, can't walk yet.

and there's no food yet, so i don't care.

ok, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here?

maybe, said some bugs, and fish.

ok, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to

have babies

learn to use an egg.

i was already doing that.

use a stronger egg.

put water in it.

have a baby, on land, in an egg.

water is in the egg.

baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.

works for me.

bye bye ocean

and now everything's huge.

including bugs.

wanna see a map of the land?

sure.

oh fuck, now everything's dead.

just kidding, here are the survivors.

keep your eye on this one because it's about to become the dinosaurs.

here's another map of the land.

yeah, it broke apart, don't worry about it, it does that all the time.

here comes a meteor.

and the dinosaurs are gone

it's mammal time, here come the mammals.

look at those breasts.

now they're gonna dominate the world and one of them just learned how to grab stuff.

and walk.

no, like, walk like that.

and grab stuff at the same time.

and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.

"ouch"

and set things on fire.

"yeouch"

and make crazy sounds with their voice.

"gneurshk"

which can mean different things.

that's a human person

and now they're everywhere.

almost.

ice age

what, you can walk over here?

cool.

not anymore

well i guess we're stuck here now.

let's review.

there's people on the planet.

and they're chasing their food.

fuck it, time to plant some grass.

look at this.

i control the food now.

now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.

let's all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food.

this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this.

tired of using rocks for everything?

use metal.

it's underground.

better farming was just invented, in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers.

and the animals are helping.

guess what happens next

more food.

and more people who came to buy the food.

now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales.

and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now there's more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power.

Society

coming soon to a dank river valley near you.

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.

why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?

tired of using lame, sad metal?

introducing

Bronze

made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land.

i don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it.

also, guess what?

egypt

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.

now we're getting somewhere.

also

china

and did i mention

indus river valley civilization

norte chico

the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it's in the middle of the east.

knock knock, er, clop clop.

it's the people with the horses.

and they made an empire.

and then everyone else copied their horses.

greeks

ah look, it must be the greeks, er, a beta version of the greeks.

let's check in with the indus river valley civilization.

they're gone.

guess who's not gone?

china

new arrivals in india, maybe it's those horse people i was talking about, or their cousins or something

and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff

you could make a religion out of this.

there's the bronze age collapse.

now the phoenicians can get down to business

also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find?

thanks.

look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel.

and they believe in God

just 1 though, he's got like a ten step program.

here's some huge heads.

must be the olmecs.

the phoenicians make some colonies.

the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies.

the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.

here comes the assyrian empire.

never mind, it's the babylonian- median-

it's the Persian Empire

"wow, that's big"

ah, the buddha was just enlightened.

who's the buddha?

this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying.

you could make a religion out of this.

oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.

ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.

and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire.

it's a great idea.

he was great.

and now he's dead.

hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.

knock knock, it's chandragupta, he says get the hell out of here.

will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants?

ok thanks, bye

time to conquer all of india

or

most of india

but what about this part?

that's the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings.

who are the tamil kings?

merchants, probably

and they've got spices

who would like to buy the spices?

me, said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.

hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy.

actually, they have three main philosophies.

out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.

let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms.

greekification overload!

bye, said the parthians.

bye, said the jews.

hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.

heyyyyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast.

thanks for invading our homeland, said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.

hi, everything's great, said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular.

you could make a religion out of this.

want silk?

now you can buy it from china.

they just made a

brand new road to the world

or you can

get there on water

sick! new trade routes! said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.

hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.

there goes buddhism traveling up the silk road.

i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again.

remember the persian empire?

yep, said the persians, making a new one.

axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick.

has anyone populated madagascar yet?

let's do it together.

china is whole again

then it broke again

still can't cross the sahara desert?

try camels.

hell yeah! now we've got business

said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves

hi, i live in the roman empire, and i was wondering

is loving jesus legal yet?

no.

actually, ok, sure, said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his

main rival

don't worry about rome, it won't fall.

it's the golden age of india

there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta.

first name chandra.

the first.

guess who's in rome?

barbarians

what's a barbarian?

non-romans, said the romans, being invaded by non-romans.

r.i.p., roman empire, er, actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore so let's give it a new name.

the mayans have figured out the stars

oh and here's a huge city, population: everyone

the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe.

great job, göktürks.

how's india?

broken.

how's china?

back together

how's those trading kingdoms?

bigger, and there's more of them

korea has 3 kingdoms.

japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammed's ear.

so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake.

and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town.

you could make a religion out of this.

and maybe conquer the world as well.

the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope.

plus there's

new kingdoms all over europe

i wonder if there's room for moors.

here's all the wisdom.

in a house.

it's the baghdad house of wisdom.

just in time for the

islamic golden age

let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast, said the swahili on the swahili coast.

remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there?

someone owns that now.

wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?

the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas.

surprise! you're the new roman emperor, said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire.

then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france.

but the northerners, or just norse if you don't have much time, are exploring.

they go north, from the north to the northern north.

and they find some land.

two types of land.

and they name them accordingly.

they also invade some other places, and get called many names, such as vikings.

there's the rus.

the kievan rus.

are they vikings?

i don't think so, said the kievan rus.

ok, fair enough.

the pope is ready to make some more emperors.

of the "roman empire".

the holy roman empire.

it's actually germany but don't worry about it.

new kingdoms.

christianize all the kingdoms

which brand would you like?

mine's better.

mine's better.

mine's better.

time to conquer england, said william.

it's a bird, it's a plane

it's the seljuk turks

aah! said the byzantine empire who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore.

we need help!

they need help, so they call the pope.

hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks?

maybe take back the holy land on the way?

come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.

yes, i do actually want to do that.

let's do a crusade.

crusade

they did many crusades, some of which almost didn't fail.

but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.

goodbye mayans.

hello toltecs

goodbye toltecs.

hello mississippi

look at those mounds.

there's the pueblo.

i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.

guess who's here?

khmer.

where?

here.

and pagan is there.

vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.

china just invented bombs, and typing.

and the mongols just invaded most of the universe.

nice going, Genghis!

i bet that will last a long time.

some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.

is it tonga time?

i think it's tonga time.

i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold.

look at this chad.

means "lake".

there's an empire there.

right in the middle of

Africa

the king of mali is so rich he's going on tour to let everyone know.

wow, that guy's rich, everyone said.

the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not spain.

please remain christian.

we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect.

whoops, half of europe just died.

ming

china's back, yay!

hey khmer, time to share.

new kingdoms here and there.

oh, look who controls all the islands.

it's the mahajapit.

majahapit.

mapajahit.

mahapajit.

mapajahit.

majapahit?

oh, italy's really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics.

it's kinda like a rebirth.

here's a printer.

let's make books.

so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire?

yep, said the ottoman turks.

nice job, ottoman turks.

whoops, you missed a spot.

don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.

what? that's bullshit, said portugal, spiceless.

well i guess we'll have to find another way to india

wait! said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack.

if the world is round, let's go this way to india.

nah, don't worry, we already got this, said portugal.

so chris goes to spain.

hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?

no.

please?

no.

please?

no.

please?

ok.

so he sails into the ocean.

and discovers more ocean.

and then discovers the indies.

and japan.

let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.

the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start.

i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent?

the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other.

move over lithuania, here comes moscow.

ivan wants to make russia great again.

move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something.

persia just made persia persian again.

let's make it the other kind of islam.

the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy.

hey christians!

do you sin?

now you can buy your way out of hell.

that's bullshit.

this whole thing is bullshit.

that's a scam.

fuck the church.

here's 95 reasons why, said martin luther, in his new book, which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.

you know what would be magnificent, said suleiman, wearing an onion hat?

what if the ottoman empire was really big?

which it is now.

what if russia was big? said ivan, trying not to be terrible.

portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade.

and then that dream was real.

and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway.

damn, said england and france.

we gotta start pillaging some stuff.

then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam.

damn, said amsterdam.

we gotta start pillaging some stuff.

question 1: can you get to india through north america?

no, but at least there's beaver.

question 2: steal the spice trade.

that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.

sugar

guess where all the sugar's made?

in brazil.

stolen

and the caribbean.

and it's so god damn profitable you might forget to not do slavery.

the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger.

britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world.

more specifically, ohio.

then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss.

but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss?

yes they did.

it's britain.

guess who's broke?

also britain.

so they start taxing the hell out of america.

fuck you, says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it.

and france helps them win, now france is broke.

and britain'll have to send their prisoners to a different continent.

wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?

let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! said robespierre, cutting everybody's head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.

you could make a reli- no, don't.

haiti is staring to like the idea of a revolution.

especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters.

why didn't we think of this before?

wait, who's in charge of france now?

me

said napoleon, trying to take over europe.

luckily, they banished him to an island.

but he came back

luckily, they banished him to another island.

there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.

britain just figured out how to turn steam into power.

so now they can make

many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast

then they invent some trains.

and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.

hey, china! said britain.

buy stuff from us!

nah dude, we already got everything, says china.

so britain tried to get them addicted to opium.

which worked, actually.

but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.

so britain threw a hissy fit, and made them open up five cities and give them an island.

britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afghanistan.

also, the

sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now

"that's just where he lives"

india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now.

nope, said britain, governing them even harder than before.

technology is about to go crazy

the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad.

it's bad, they decided.

and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.

i know, let's rape africa, said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest.

they never got ethiopia

britain and france are still hungry.

they never got thailand

the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more.

hawaii

cuba

wait, spain controls cuba.

well, blame something on them and go to war!

what should we blame on spain?

let's blame the maine on spain.

so they blame the maine on spain.

now we're in business.

to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.

britain just found oil in the middle east.

it makes cars go

china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government.

europe hasn't had a war since the last war.

so they start world war 1.

look at those guns.

it's gonna be a great war.

so great we won't need a second one.

after it's over, they blame germany.

russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government.

now everyone's paycheck is the same.

communism

in the soviet union

the arabs revolt and britain helps.

now the ottoman empire's gone so we can give the

jewish people a place to live

hopefully the arabs won't mind.

let's cut the cake, said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire.

except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey

and then the saudis conquer arabia.

it just seemed like the right thing to do.

hello?

yes, it's the 1920's calling.

let's get in the car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies.

the economy's great and it'll probably be great forever, just kidding.

germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model.

and he's mad at the jews for existing.

japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited they rape nanking way too hard.

they should probably just deny it.

hitler's out of control.

so the international community tackles him and then tries to explain why killing all the jews is a bad idea.

but he kills himself before they could explain it to him.

that's world war 2

bonus round!

pacific showdown.

united states vs. japan.

fight!

finish him

let's unite all the nations and have some

world peace

seems legit.

hi, i'm gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm gonna starve myself in public.

wow, that worked?

bonus, now there's pakistan.

actually two pakistans.

one of them can be bangladesh later.

the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land.

me, they both said at the same time.

let's divide up the land so everyone's happy.

sike, they both get angrier

look out china, there's a new china in china.

what's on the menu?

communism!

no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island.

i wonder which one is the real china?

there's the korean war, korea versus korea.

nobody wins, then it's on pause forever.

let's meet the sponsors.

oh, it's the two global superpowers.

they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good, and which one is an evil virus of Satan.

and they both have atom bombs.

fight!

wait, no, that would be the end of the world.

let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead.

and make sure we have enough atom bombs.

i'll race you to space.

now let's make some more countries fight themselves.

europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged.

so here's a new map, with new countries.

now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by.

the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad.

they decided it's bad, and the world agrees.

south africa might need another minute to think about it.

let's check the world population.

whoa.

okay.

technology's better too, that might keep happening.

the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.

europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money, except britain, because they don't feel like it.

let's check the mail.

surprise, it's on the computer.

whoops, someone just attacked america.

i bet they'll remember that.

phone call.

surprise, it's in your pocket.

wanna learn everything?

surprise, it's on the computer.

now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket.

whoops, the economy just crashed.

don't worry, the big banks won't fail because they're not supposed to.

surprise!

flying robots.

with bombs.

wanna print a brain?

some people have no friends.

some people have no food.

the globe is warming

and the ocean is full of plastic

let's save the planet! said everybody, not knowing how.

let's invent a thing inventor, said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor.

that's pretty cool.

by the way, where the hell are we?

[neverwatchedonepiece]

635-637: "The Fateful Reunion! Bellamy the Hyena!", "A Super Rookie! Bartolomeo the Cannibal!" and "Big Names Duke it Out! The Heated Block B Battle!"

Luffy’s entire experience of Dressrosa so far.

If I had two words to sum up these episodes, they would be: new characters.

New characters everywhere. 

And, if @mrkashkiet​ is right, some of them should not be immediately written off as battle fodder. I have done my best to keep track of all the new names  and faces (let’s face it, Dressrosa has not yet descended into HxH War of Succession level madness). 

But I think I have a better handle on the competitors now. Who knew paying close attention would work wonders?

Oh, and I forgot to mention that the influx of new characters is not limited to the Colosseum.

Trafalgar Law: Supplier of Tea and Shade

Yes.

It is the return of Cipher Pol. Except this time, the World Government have unleashed the Big Guns.

The Caesar Handover Team (Law, Robin, Usopp and Caesar) had camped at a pavement cafe near the Long Bridge they must cross to reach Green Bit. They were indulging in a bit of recon because the bridge, to put it mildly, was in a state of disrepair.

A rickey, rusting wreck is what I want to say.

A conveniently chatty waiter was only too happy to furnish them with intel. Apparently, people used to freely cross the bridge two-hundred years ago, but an influx of fighting fish ruined everything. The people tried to reinforce the bridge with iron but it never worked. Yes, people still try to cross. The waiter himself knew people who’d made the attempt. But no one ever came back. (I bet the Smile factory is on Green Bit.)

Caesar and Usopp were not keen on making the crossing. Law told them to pipe down and pulled the “we’re here now, anyway” card. The lack of unrest in Dressrosa was what worried Law. (Sanji noticed that too.) Their king had abdicated suddenly. Why was everyone so calm?

Then something awesome happened.

Robin saw something out the corner of her eye. She cringed, pulled her hat down further over her face. Caesar caught on too.

Three sinister, white-robed, masked people walked down the street like ghosts. They were heading in the direction of the bridge.

It was CP0. According to Robin, they are even deadlier that CP9 and are charged with only the highest level intelligence missions. “When they’re on the move,” Robin said, “nothing good happens.”

Except plot, Robin. Good plot happens.

I mean, come on! First Fujitora is hanging about, supposedly to deal with all the pirates in the Colosseum. Now CP0 have crawled out of the woodwork but they are lurking about the bridge. They are all in on something. They must know or suspect something is going on in Dressrosa. I’ll bet they have intel Luffy and Law don’t.

I wonder if Fujitora wants Luffy to draw out Doflamingo (or at least the proof something is going on). He definitely knows Luffy is behind the beard and he let Luffy go. Why? The plot chickenz.

Zoro , Sanji and Kinemon: Technically All Chasing After Precious Things

Elsewhere on Dressrosa, Zoro, Sanji and Kinemon have all gone their separate, chaotic ways.

Zoro has finally laid hands on Shusui again, but - and I cannot believe I am saying this - a small, thieving, invisible creature *was* behind the disappearance of Zoro’s belongings. And they referred to Zoro as a “human”, which means... I mean, are we really talking fairies here? Why do they need to steal stuff? Are they raising funds for Doflamingo? I have no idea what’s going on.  I am at the point of tin-foil hat speculation so I’ll quit before the hat is fully on.

Sanji managed to take out a sniper sixteen metres above ground with one kick. Why the need for a sniper kicking spree? He was being targeted while walking with Violet. I am still suspicious of her. I think she’s in on the whole thing and she is only just beginning to realise that, uh oh, she’s snared a really strong fighter, how do we get out of this one?

Also, Kinemon found himself surrounded by chuckling thugs who threw Kanjuuro’s location in his face. They recognised him by the “top-knot-shaped hat” (lmao). There was a, “If you don’t cooperate, we will kill you and your friend,” moment. Not super interested in this plot point, but looking forward to seeing how Oda weaves it into the wider storyline. 

Meanwhile, on The Event Horizon Sunny...

A portal has opened to another dimension.

In the grand scheme of things, everyone who went to Dressrosa got the better end of the bargain because this... this is some weird shit.

(Plus, there was another Momonosuke clue. While Momo was playing at being shogun (and Brook refused, saying he “Only takes orders from Luffy-san”) Dr Chopper observed Momo’s behaviour. Apparently, Momo is putting up a good front, disguising some sort of trauma. What happened to him a Punk Hazard could be a good bet. Maybe there was something else we didn’t get to see.)

Bellamy Is A New Man! Sort of...

Back at the Colosseum, the main event was underway: Block B’s battle! We still haven’t reached the end of it yet but that’s because a lot was happening backstage.

The action picked up where it left off. Luffy’s reunion with Bellamy did not go quite as I expected - in a good way. A lot has happened since Luffy kicked Bellamy’s ass at Jaya. For one, after ridiculing Luffy for his ambition to visit Skypeia, Bellamy made his own trip. He lost his crew in the attempt (I think?) but brought back a huge golden souvenir, which he presented to Doflamingo. 

I didn’t quite understand his connection with Doflamingo before. I figured he was part of Doflamingo’s crew and worked exclusively for him. But it turns out Bellamy had his own crew? Maybe they were allied with/working for Doflamingo?

At any rate, since he returned from Skypeia, Bellamy has become a changed man. He has obsessively worked for Doflamingo - who was Bellamy’s pirate hero since he was a kid - in hopes of being promoted to an executive post in the Donquixote family. 

That is why he entered the Battle Royale. Not to win the Mera Mera fruit, but for a promotion.

I have the funniest feeling he won’t be getting it.

His spring power is cool, though. Luffy was right. He’s definitely become stronger. The way he took out Abdullah and Jeet was pretty stylish. I also like the character development Bellamy has undergone. Oda has morphed him from a loathsome, one-dimensional mook into someone with ambition who will do anything to achieve his goals. Nice.

Bartolomeo

Now, this guy was a surprise.

When Oda introduced Maynard last episode, I never thought for a minute that the badass Marine who held a knife to a pirate’s throat and took him out so easily would become instant fodder in the very next installment.

That’ll teach me for trying to predict Oda’s intentions.

Bartolomeo acts like an Edgy Edgerson (that’s a bit of an understatement, to be honest) but he does look out for his crew, as all good captains should. The guy who was murked last time by Maynard was part of his crew. Unfortunately for Maynard, Bartolomeo is the revenge type. Maynard was left crumpled in a bloody heap. It was interesting that Maynard had planned to take part in the competition. Was it for intel or were the Marines seriously thinking they were in with a shot at the Mera Mera fruit?

Bartolomeo is also one of the rookies Cavendish loathes. When the commentator introduced him, we learned it only took Bartolomeo a year to become (in)famous in the New World. Apparently, he roasted a crew of pirates and broadcast the footage and bombed some innocent civilians. As you do. He also won the coveted spot of #1 Most Annoying Pirate Who Should Just Go Away (lmao).

This was backed up by the crowd. They booed him like a pantomime villain and pelted him with trash. The bomb prank did nothing to salvage the tatters of his public image. Even Dagama was like, “They hate you so much, brat.”

But Bartolomeo didn’t care. He is super edgy. “Don’t even want them to like me.” (If he met Eustass Kidd, the amount of Edge would reach critical mass and cause some sort of singularity).

I have the feeling Bartolomeo will win this fight.

Why?

He has barely lifted a finger the entire time. When the gong was struck, he lay down like Slaking, took a nap. Then he woke up, pissed in the moat (lmao) and somehow took out Hack the Fishman Karate Master with little effort. He must be a fruit user. I wonder what his power is?

It’s testament to how One Piece stretches the limits of your morality when you find yourself laughing and cheering for a guy who literally roasted his rivals and broadcast the footage over the OP equivalent of YouTube.

And the Award for Most Hostile Leading Question Goes To...

While the fighting was underway, Luffy and Cavendish watched from a balcony. Cavendish gave Lucy the low-down on who the most likely winners would be. Apart from Bartolomeo and Bellamy, there was Elizabello II, his tactician Dagama, Ricky (a mysterious Gladiator), Blue Gilly from the Longarm Tribe, Tank Lepant of Dressrosa, Abdullah and Jeet, and Hack (a Fishman Karate specialist and fan of Jimbei).

Elizabello II, Dagama and Tank teamed up with a cadre of random fodders to protect Elizabello. It turns out Liz has a King’s Punch ability that can take out entire fortresses. The only thing is, it takes ages for it to power up and he can only use it once a day. They must want the Mera Mera Fruit badly, as the restrictions of the King Punch make it pretty damned useless in this context. Even if he did get through to the next round, he might be one-on-one against Jesus Burgess. Burgess does not need to wait an hour to power up a punch. Even if it’s four fighters all in the ring together (I bet Luffy will team up with Rebecca), I don’t see Burgess helping him out.

Blue Gilly is a kick fighter with oddly hypnotic knee pads.

Ricky is a mystery. He is a gladiator other fighters have never seen but some random in the crowd claims he might have once - a warrior who fought with no shield.

The Middle Eastern trope fighters Abdullah and Jeet were taken out by Bellamy, Hack was defeated by Bartolomeo.

All very exciting. I love a Battle Royale.

But most of the action was taking place backstage.

While Luffy and Cavendish watched the battle, a hulking, craggy, mountainous figure approached. I knew he was big because Toei had given him the “Big Guy Clown Shoes” sound effect they use for guys like Moria and Kuma. He had the number 12 tattooed on his forehead. It was Don Chinjao.

He stood beside Luffy and Cavendish and said, “Hey, lovely view we’ve got here. Btw, how is Garp-san doing?”

Luffy, the honest soul, never saw the trap coming. “You know grandpa?”

Uh oh.

Well, the situation escalated hilariously quickly after that.

“Garp was like a real demon to us pirates back then. My wound still hasn’t healed, you know. I need you to pay for what your grandpa did to me. If I’d heard about Garp’s son, Dragon, sooner, you would never have been born.”

Ooft. That’s a heavy grudge.

Of course, Cavendish was like, “WHAT? YOU ARE LUFFY!”

And poor Luffy was still desperately clinging to his Lucy disguise, wondering why everyone was blaming him for things that really were not his fault. “no, really, i misheard. i am lucy, honest.”

“YOU DON’T MISHEAR YOUR OWN NAME!!”

Now both Cavendish and Don Chinjao were steamed. They ended up in a skirmish where Cavendish’s Shiny Sparkly Sword, Durandal, was shown off (to be fair, it does look awesome) and the endurance of Chinjao’s Mighty Skull was tested. Neither were going all out, which was nice.

At any rate, Luffy is now hanging from a window ledge. His promise to Franky is not working out well so far. 

Ahhh, that was a good tinkle.

[sunnysynthsunshine]

The Entire History of the World I guess? (bill wurtz)

hi, you're on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it's water. fuck it. actually, most of it's water. i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. it's sad. i'm sad. i miss you. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? a long time ago... actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn't happen. nothing was never anywhere. that's why it's been everywhere. it's been so "everywhere," you don't need a "where." you don't even need a "when." that's how "every" it gets. forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don't know when to start. and that's exactly where it started. big bang— pause woah. i paused it. i think there's a universe now. what's it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that's a thing! in a place! don't like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it's not empty yet! it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. about no seconds later great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a "proton" and a "neutron." and there's something else flying around that wants to join in, but can't cause it's tooHOT. ten minutes later great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up. about 380,000 years later great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now... a bunch of gas in space. but it's getting closer together... ten million years later and it's getting closer together... 500 million years later and it's getting closer togeth— star is born it's a star new shit just got made! some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust! so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. meteor hits earth holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of... made a mess. which isnow the moon weather update: it's raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might've had water inside of them and now there's hot steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. weather update... it's raining. severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert. that's land! there'slifeintheocean what? something's alive in the ocean oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever. microscopic speck asexually reproduces oh yeah, and it can do that. reproduces three more times it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that's pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight! using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun! side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. then the earth might've been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times. it's a sponge... it's a plant... it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it's the Cambrian explosion: "wow, that's animals and stuff" but we're still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NO why? the sun is a deadly laser oh okay. not anymore, there's a blanket now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let's go on land! "nope, can't walk yet." "and there's no food yet, so i don't care." 100 million years later okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here? "maybe," said some bugs. and fish. fish gasps for air five million years later okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies! idea: learn to use an egg. "i was already doing that" use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean 50 million years later and now everything's huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. Permian extinction oh, fuck, now everything's dead. just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it's about to become 75 million years later the dinosaurs. here's another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don't worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. meteor strikes and the dinosaurs are gone it's mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they're gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks. "ouch" and set things on fire. "yeouch" and make crazy sounds with their voice: "gneurshk" which can mean different things. that's a human person! and now they're everywhere. almost. ice age! what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore well i guess we're stuck here now. let's review: there's people on the planet. and they're chasing their food. fuck it. time to plant some grass. look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it's underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next? more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there's more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power, Society coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. also, guess what? egypt meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we're getting somewhere. also, china and did i mention indus river valley civilization society count: 5 ... norte chico the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it's in the middle of the east. knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the... people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks. let's check in with the indus river valley civilization: they're gone. guess who's not gone? china. new arrivals from india... maybe it's those horse people i was talking about... or their cousins or something... and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff... you could make a religion out of this. there's the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in God just one though, and he's got like a ten-step program. here's some huge heads. must be the olmecs. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it's the babyloni— media— it's the Persian Empire: "wow, that's big" enlightenment ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. enlightenment ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great idea. he was... great. and now he's dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it's chandragupta. he says "get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye" time to conquer all of india er most of india but what about this part? that's the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they've got spices! who would like to buy the spices? "me!" said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies: confucianism: have good morals taoism: go with the flow legalism: fuck you, obey the law out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. nomads ransack china let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload. bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place. heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. "thanks for invading our homeland," said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. "hi, everything's great," said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world. conquers vietnam or you can get there on water "sick! new trade routes!" said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again. remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let's do it together. china is whole again... ...then it broke again still can't cross the sahara desert? try camels. "hell yeah! now we've got business," said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves. "hi, i'm a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering is loving jesus legal yet?" "no" "actually, okay sure," said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don't worry about rome, it won't fall. it's the golden age of india there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first. guess who's in rome? barbarians. what's a barbarian? "non-romans," said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore, so let's give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the stars oh, and here's a huge city, population: everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how's india? broken. how's china? back together. how's those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there's more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom. intermission deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad's ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there's new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there's room for moors. here's all the wisdom. in a house. it's the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age! "let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast," said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. "surprise! you're the new roman emporer!" said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france. the northerners, er, just "norse" if you don't have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly. prankd they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as "vikings." there's the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? "i don't think so," said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it's actually germany, but don't worry about it. new kingdoms— CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!! which brand would you like? "mine's better" "mine's better" "mine's better" "time to conquer england," said william. it's a bird! it's a plane! it's the seljuk turks! "aah!" said the byzantine empire, who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore. "we need help!" they need help! so they call the pope. "hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land." "yes, i do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade." crusade! they did many crusades. some of which almost didn't fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds. there's the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who's here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time. some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it's tonga time. i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold. look at this chad! it means "lake." there's an empire there! right in the middle of africa! the king of mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know. "wow, that guy's rich," everyone said. the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming! china's back, yay! hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there. oh, look who controls all of the islands. it's the mahajapit. majahapit. mapajahit. mahapajit. mapajahit. ma-ja-pa-hit? oh, italy's real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it's kinda like a rebirth. here's a printer. let's make books! so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. "what? that's bullshit," said portugal, spiceless. "well i guess we'll have to find another way to india" "wait!" said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. "if the world is round, let's go this way to india." "nah, don't worry, we already got this," said portugal. so chris goes to spain. "hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?" "no" "please?" "no" "please?" "wtf" "no" "please?" "...okay" so he sails into the ocean, and discovers... more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other. move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let's make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should've been the other guy. hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell! "that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. here's 95 reasons why," said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. "you know what would be magnificent?" said suleiman wearing an onion hat. "what if the ottoman empire was... really big?" which it is now. "what if russia was big?" said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real. and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. "damn," said england and france. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. "damn," said amsterdam. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there's beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway. and sugar... guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it's so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss? yes they did! it's britain. guess who's broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. "fuck you!" says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? "let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!" said robespierre, cutting everybody's heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a rel— no, don't. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. "why didn't we think of this before?" wait, who's in charge of france now? "me," said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back! luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. "hey, china!" said britain. "buy stuff from us!" "nah, dude, we already got everything," says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan. also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now: "that's just where he lives." india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. "nope," said britain, governing them even harder than before. incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE technology is about to go crazy! the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it's bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too. "i know! let's rape africa!" said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia... britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand... the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more: hawaii! cuba! wait, spain controls cuba. well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain? u.s.s. maine sinks "let's blame the maine on spain." so they blame the maine on spain. now we're in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go... china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn't had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it's gonna be a great war, so great we won't need a second one. after it's over, they blame germany. russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone's paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union... the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won't mind. "let's cut the cake!" said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire. except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey! and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. phone rings hello? yes, it's the 1920's calling. let's get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding. germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he's mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler's out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that's world war two! bonus round! pacific showdown united states vs. japan FIGHT!! united states drops two extinction balls on japan FINISH HIM! let's unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit. "hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm going to starve myself in public." britain leaves "wow, that worked?" bonus! now there's pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. "me!" they both said at the same time. let's divide up the lands so we're both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier! look out, china! there's a new china in china. what's on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china...? there's the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever. let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two global superpowers. they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. "i'll race you to space." united states plants a flag on the moon now let's make more countries fight themselves. europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here's a new map with new countries. now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it's bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let's check the world population! woah. okay. technology is better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don't feel like it. let's check the mail... surprise! it's on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they'll remember that. phone call! surprise! it's in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it's on the computer! now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket! whoops, the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks won't fail, because they're not supposed to. surprise!... flying robots. with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic! "let's save the planet!" said everybody, not knowing how. "let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we? thanks for watching history i hope i mentioned everything

[doctorpariahdax]

Gang 2/3

“How’s that one fittin’ ya?” he said from over the counter. “Maybe you feel a bit different about it, but I like to have a farther grip with some of them carbines. They just sit more naturally if you have a farther grip.”    Dutch narrowed his eyes to the storekeep and shook his head reluctantly as he brought down the rifle. “I’m not fond of these larger guns.”   “Not a rifle man, eh? Well, I mean, you’ve seen the half shot guns I got and the pistols. I myself prefer rifles, I feel like they have a bit more practical flexibility but, that’s just my opinion.”    “You ain’t got anything else?”   The storekeeper shook his head. “Listen, fella, I know you’ve been paining over these guns for a while...If it’s that important to you I could knock off a dozen dollars or so-”   “Nah,” Dutch handed the carbine back, scratching his forehead, “money ain’t really the problem. It’s...I don’t have my guns. That’s the problem.” He looked out the window, Hosea was still chatting up a stagehand, looking at a map and occasionally wiping his nose on his mittens. Inside the store it was cozy, a bit of a draft from the winter winds seeping in under the door. On top of him missing his pistols, the weather wasn’t doing much to brighten Dutch’s mood. Damn Hosea, though, he enjoyed the cold.    “You boys ain’t from around here, are ya?” The storekeeper finished replacing the carbines on the wall. Dutch was the only customer in the store at the moment and he had shown up in town earlier looking as ill prepared as one could.   “What gave it away, our ankle height shoes or our soft southern bell faces?” Dutch shared a brief laugh with the man behind the counter. “We’re coming up from Tennessee, took a bit of a detour.” He waved to Hosea’s back through the window. “We’re from Chicago, originally. I kinda grew up here and there. You know how it is. Our fathers were in the war while we were making business overseas. Had to come back, and I’ll tell ya, it’s a hell of a lot easier getting cash flow in Europe than when you start a business anywhere back here.”    The shopkeeper had a long mustacio that he’d occasionally poke his tongue out absentmindedly at, brushing it to the side. He stuck his hand over the counter, “Robert Amato.”    “John Orrelle, that’s Tacitus Combs.” Dutch gave a large smile. Since when did all these people get so damn soft and trusting. Making friends was almost too easy now.   “What business you boys in anyways?”   “Tacitus used to be a banker, an accountant I guess, he’s got a good honest head on his shoulders,” he spoke through his teeth then, “grew up kinda cozy like, he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body.”    “And you do, John?”   “Ahh,” Dutch shrugged. “Maybe I just got a thicker skull. Used to be a rancher, wasn’t very good at it so I’ve always done odd jobs here and there.” He pointed to a collection of poorly made skiis sitting in the corner of the store. “Never made anything like them, but they’re popular in Europe. I did carpentry for most of it though, while we was overseas. Nice and quiet. Coming back home...god, I feel like half the people we meet just wanna shoot us.”    Robert nodded but lost a bit of humor in his face after Dutch spoke. “Funny you should mention that. Shootin’, I mean.”   Hosea’s conversation with the stagehand seemed to be taking less of a turn for the better. Hosea was standing there with that dumbfounded expression as the stagehand grew more and more animated through the window.   “What do you mean?” Dutch divided his attention.    “Oh...couple days ago, this kid comes into town, says he’s looking for his uncles. He was supposed to meet them here. He was in bad shape, had a pack with him and whatnot, lots of money, said he was from a well off family but he got separated. Kinda walking with a limp. Oooh, and his horse.”   Hosea had completely surrendered speaking with the stagehand. He looked back into the store, maybe trying to see Dutch.    Robert prodded Dutch’s arm and brought out his accounts book. “See here, John, that boy came in, bought about a hundred dollars worth of cans and dried foods, crackers, tinned fish, ya get the picture. Sold his horse, but the damn thing was barely on its last legs...I sent him down to the butcher, see if maybe he could take the hide off the animal and get the boy some money or jerky or something. We all came together – we’re a good community. I mean this boy couldn’t have been older than sixteen. He was tall and all but he was still a kid, and he was a kid in need of help. We pitched him up with the sheriff’s family. We don’t got much of a hotel here or anything fancy here.”    Dutch knew that; Hosea and him mostly stopped in this little rink-dink town for supplies and weather worthy clothes.    “Anyways, this kid stays a night or two, he’s chatting up the sheriff’s eldest, he’s getting along with the younger boys. Get the picture? Well, Sheriff comes back-”    “Where was he?” Dutch asked half interested, watching the stagehand shake Hosea’s and leave him standing on the porch just beyond the window. “Taking care of a horse theft just down the road, he and our deputy. He left just before the boy came in. But! Sheriff comes back, this kid walks right on out in front of his home, says, “you Sheriff Nemes?” well, Sheriff says yes. Boy takes off his hat and looks at his deputy, nods, asks if he only has one deputy, Sheriff says yes, I mean he knows this boy’s been staying with his family now for a bit, heard as he passed through town. So, being nice and all, he asks the boy if he’s looking for deputy work.”    Robert patted Dutch’s arm again to get his attention, the bell of the store rang as Hosea – Tacitus – walked in. “Boy shakes his head, and he drew his pistol so damn quick below the hand he was holding and he shot the deputy and poor Nemes through his hat right between the eyes.”    There was a moment of silence that fell into the shop. Dutch could tell Robert was hoping for a bit more of a reaction than just a stare.    “You said this kid was walking with a limp?”   Clearly disappointed and caught a bit off guard by the question, the shopkeeper just stared back at the two men, and after a moment cleared his throat and nodded. “Uh, yeah.”   “What kind of a limp?” Hosea poked his head over Dutch’s shoulder. Robert itched his head and licked his mustache. “Ahhh, I suppose. Well, it was more like he was favoring a side than a limp, maybe something was wrong with his spine or something. I mean he was a good looking kid, didn’t look like a cripple.”   “Friend,” Dutch hastily interrupted. “What kind of a limp? What side? Et cetera...”   Robert thought for a moment.   “Well.” He looked up and squinted, contorting his own torso a bit gently trying to remember. “I think it was his left, he was kind hunkered over to the left, said he fell off his horse, hurt his ribs...but lots of cripples kinda tell small fibs to distract from their shortcomings. I’d do that. I suppose. Thought maybe it’s not all that surprising he’d lie given the fact he killed two men in cold blood. Right on the step of their own home too. Good god.”   If Hosea had ever before chosen a more opportunistic time to be helpful, Dutch hadn’t been around. The older man moved to lean on the counter after glancing around the inside of the store. He introduced himself as Tacitus and Robert confirmed he had already been speaking quite a bit with his friend, John. Robert caught him up on the short bits of the story. Hosea held up his hand with a soft smile.    “Don’t mean to interrupt friend, but uh, this kid,” He raised his hand somewhere between Hosea’s head and Dutch’s chin, “he about this tall? Light brown hair? Gangly?”   “That’s right, blue eyes too, I think,” Robert nodded.   Hosea licked his chapped lips. “See...I don’t know if maybe this is ah...well, rude, I don’t want to go prying where our noses don’t belong but my friend here, John, he doesn’t want to admit it, but as ruff and gruff as he is he was robbed a month or two back when we were going through Tennessee. He,” Hosea chuckled, “got robbed by a kid. Took some of our money, messed up our supplies and made off with John’s pistols. This kid….well, you said he came into your shop?”   “That’s right. Sold him dried goods, got his dying horse sold off and he bought a pair of skiis and poles from me. Skiied on off after he done shot the deputy and poor Nemes.”    “Right. While he was here. You and your impeccable eye didn’t happen to catch a look at his pistols?”    Robert thought again for a moment. “I mean. I saw a bit of them when he done took off his coat and he was buying a warmer one from me.”   “Mhm, and what’d they look like?”   “Gold and silver I think? They were real fancy looking. Had uh...embroidery ain’t the right word.”   Dutch’s nose was twitching and he could feel his ears burning. “Ivory handles? Gold inlaid into a floral pattern on the handles?”    Robert’s long thoughtful pauses were accented by Dutch grinding his teeth.   “Yeah. I suppose that sounds about right. They were real fancy looking. I asked if I could see them but he said they was a present from an uncle or something and he was mighty protective of them.”   “Did you catch this kids name?” Hosea supportively clapped Dutch’s shoulders. Robert turned the book around again, his pinkish purple fingers stiff on the paper from the cold. A big ‘x’ was filled out on a line with a total of a hundred eight dollars in miscellaneous goods. “Boy just wrote an X. I thought that was weird. He said he was well off but the kid couldn’t bother to spell out his name. What kind of a wealthy kid in these parts can’t write his own name?”    “What. Was. His. Name?” Dutch repeated Hosea with a little less patience.   “Robin Kilgore.” Robert tapped the side of his temple with an impish smile. “I got a mind like a steel trap I do. He said he was heading up to Vermont, that’s where his family was staying he said. He sounded Lousianan. Awfully long way to travel just for a winter vacation. I mean it’s not warmer up there than it is here round the great lakes. Mind like a steel trap. That’s what my momma said, mind like a steel trap.”    Hosea and Dutch looked between them. Robin Kilgore. How subtle. This kid must think he’s pretty clever. Or he’s just got parents with a sense of humor. Clearing his throat, Dutch thanked the shopkeeper. “That you do, Robert. Thank you for your time and your company.”    “One more thing,” Robert said. “Coming into town, we don’t have very many vagabonds, no homeless really. There’s three beggar kids on the street, an older girl, two little boys.” Robert nodded knowingly. “That’s Nemes’ kids. Momma’s looking for work, I don’t condone beggging but, the kids are just trying to help out, should you find it in your Christian hearts to give them something.”    Hosea spent a bit more time conversing as Tacitus before joining Dutch back out in the cold. Their two horse drawn wagon was stocked back up, the wheel had been reliable since their stop in Tennessee. Now, Dutch supposed, they’d be heading up to the north east. Hosea poked and prodded at conversation, thinking it was funny and how coincidental it would be if this was the same piece of shit kid.   “You ever been to Vermont?” Dutch cut Hosea off in the middle of a book he was reading aloud for entertainment’s sake.   “We’re not going to Vermont, Dutch.”   “I’ve never been to Vermont, heard it’s lovely up there this time of year if you can get over how fucking cold it is.”   “We’re. Not. Going. To. Vermont. You said we’re heading to Maryland. Now, Dutch, I let you drag my ass up here to the great lakes for a bit of business but we’re making out just fine. Now, we’re gonna go to Maryland for the rest of the winter, like you promised, and we’re gonna blow some money on warm baths and nice whiskey. That’s that.”   “I’ll drop you off, then.” Dutch said matter of factly. “I’m going to Vermont.”   “Bumpkin as much as he is did you not just hear what – what...shit what was his name.”   “Robert.”   “Robert said? Kid’s probably been lying through his teeth and doing petty crimes since he was born. Sounds a lot like you, just live and let live Dutch. You gotta be less picky...Besides. I’m sure in Maryland they have some good craftsmen. I bet they can make your guns over and over again for the right price.”   Dutch whipped the horses on a bit harder through the snow. After a minute or two of silence, Hosea slumped in the seat and picked up his scarf, tightening it around his neck. He started reading aloud again, a bit quicker, sour, knowing that whatever protest he might put up, Dutch was bringing them to Vermont. part 1/3

part 3/3

[vennilavee]

fresh eyes

Pairing: sam wilson x poc reader

Summary: You’re a pharmacist in one of the busiest pharmacies in Brooklyn. When some of the Avengers start picking up their medications from your pharmacy, you know life is about to get infinitely more interesting.

Warnings: cursing, mentions of anxiety/PTSD

Word Count: 2497

A/N: Pharmacists never get any love! ANYWHERE- in books, in television, in fanfiction or anything lmao (maybe I’m biased). and also sam never gets any love so here we are.  I’m nervous for this cause I’ve never written Sam before, please let me know your thoughts! Enjoy!

12 hour shifts at the retail pharmacy were a walk in the park to you now, almost ten years after you had graduated from school. You remember when you were a fresh graduate and you remember how your feet and calves would ache from standing on your feet all day. You remember how you would always be hungry and you would end your shift with a pounding headache.

But now, you were a pro. You opted for comfortable shoes rather than stylish flats, you brought in enough food to last you the day, and you always kept cases of water and plenty of snacks in the pharmacy for you and your technicians. 

Most of your patients were well-mannered and kind. You had come to get to know many of them over the years. They knew you by name and whenever they came to pick up their prescriptions, they would give you a quick update on their lives and ask you about yours. They were almost like your family, in a way. You felt the ache when people sometimes moved away and stopped coming to your pharmacy. But of course, there were people who gave you an attitude when their medications weren’t ready or when you couldn’t get hold of the doctor for more refills for their medications. 

You gave attitude right back, though. In the beginning, you were afraid to. But then you realized that this was your house, that people shouldn’t talk to other people the way that they sometimes spoke to you. With their profanities and raised voices. So you gave the attitude right back, and you quickly became known as the pharmacist who would take no shit from anyone. You had thought that corporate would come down on you hard for being firm and feisty, but it was quite the opposite. 

You were the only one who had lasted this long in this particular pharmacy, and it was a title you wore proudly. This job made you get a thick skin and taught you things about empathy that you thought you already knew. 

Your staff was a godsend- always helpful, ready to take charge when necessary. They were like your family, too. You even hung out sometimes outside of work, when your schedules matched up.

Your pharmacy was busy almost all the time and Mondays were often the worst. Phones would be ringing off of the hook, people would be coming in and out. But you thrived in well-organized chaos. Because that’s what it was- despite all the noise, you were calm and level headed.

You think nothing of it while you verify prescriptions for Steven Grant Rogers. That was a common name, right? And then you verify prescriptions that a psychiatrist has called in for James Buchanan Barnes and Sam Wilson and you know this is not a coincidence. Your technician squeals in excitement- “do you think the Avengers will come here to pick up their meds?!” You scoff, because there’s no way that the Earth’s mightiest soldiers are going to pick up their medications at your pharmacy. Surely Tony Stark has his own personal pharmacy in that obnoxious tower that sat in Manhattan?

You are curious, though, at the medications that they’re taking. Some part of you is glad that they are treating their PTSD and anxiety appropriately, when you see the prescriptions for paroxetine, sertraline, and fluoxetine. You’re benignly proud of them for getting the help they needed. Your heart clenches at the thought of all the things they’ve gone through over and over and over again. 

You sincerely hope they stop by.

Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes walk into the pharmacy and they’re both pleasantly surprised when nobody recognizes them. Or if they do recognize them, nobody says anything. They’re greeted with eager smiles and starstruck eyes, that they return.

Bucky picks up a pack of peanut M&Ms and Reese’s peanut butter cups before following Sam to the back of the store, to the pharmacy. There’s a line of three or four people, waiting to be called upon. The pharmacy must be short staffed today, because he sees you running back and forth from the computer inside the pharmacy to the bins behind the counter and helping patients as quickly and efficiently as you can. 

Sam watches you curiously when he sees your smile fall and your lips set into an annoyed line. 

“Can I speak to the pharmacist, please?” The woman in front of them asks you, ignoring your white coat that has pharmacist emblazoned in black print.

“I am the pharmacist,” You say, not bothering to keep the bite out of your voice.

“Oh, but you’re so young,” The woman says quickly, “I was expecting someone... else.”

You want to say, “were you expecting someone that didn’t have brown skin?” But you refrain and physically bite the inside of your cheek. The woman asks you about refills on a medication that she wants to pick up, and you tell her that you were unable to fill the medication because the doctor had not sent over the prescription.

And then she raises her voice at you, her eyebrows furrowing in irritation. You sigh and take it, allowing her to use you to get her frustrations out. Because it was your fault that her doctor didn’t send over her medications, right? 

Sam watches you grow almost bored at the interaction. You even play with the ends of your curly hair and push up your glasses, and he can tell you’re raring to roar back at her for raising her voice at you.

“Ma’am, I’m going to have to stop you right there. I can contact your doctor for you about the script, but I can’t fill something that I don’t physically have,” You say calmly, but Bucky and Sam can hear the venom on the tip of your tongue, “I would appreciate it if you didn’t raise your voice like that in my pharmacy.”

The woman sputters at you, as if you would dare to challenge her. She walks away, but not before timidly thanking you for contacting her doctor for her. You stop yourself from rolling your eyes as she walks away. 

“Hey, how can I help you today?” You turn the charm back on and give the two men in front of you a wide smile. As if you hadn’t been thinking of twenty different ways you could feign sickness and close the pharmacy early for the day not even ten seconds ago.

You feel your stomach drop to your feet when you realize that Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson are standing in front of you, with grins on their faces. You’re certain you look like a fish out of water, with your wide eyes and mouth opening and closing without any words coming out.

“What happened to the woman who told that lady off not even five minutes ago?” Bucky smirks at you while glancing at Sam.

“Yeah, cat got your tongue?” Sam teases. 

“Well,” You manage to say, “It’s not everyday I’m in the presence of greatness.”

You ask them to verify their birthdates before retrieving their prescriptions and try to keep your hands from shaking as you ring them up. You’re certain you’re drooling every time your eyes meet Sam’s eyes. He even winks at you when he notices your staring and you don’t bother to look away. Sam doesn’t miss you push back a stray curl behind your ear, or the way your lips curl up into a smile, or the way your eyes light up at him. 

Bucky stares at the interaction between the two of you and feels like he’s watching a moment that maybe he shouldn’t be watching.

“That was the most flirting I’ve ever seen between two people who hardly exchanged fifteen words,” Bucky informs Sam once they leave and are in his car. 

Sam pushes his shoulder and tells him to shut the fuck up before he shoves him out of the car and Bucky rolls his eyes.

Sam and Bucky start to become regulars at your pharmacy after that. You wonder why they venture all the way from Manhattan to Brooklyn, when there are dozens of pharmacies around the Avengers tower. You realize that they don’t all live at the Tower when you verify their prescriptions- Steve and Bucky live together in Brooklyn and Sam lives not too far from them.

You try not to feel too much like a stalker, but hey, it’s your job right? To make sure that your patients lived where they said they lived?

You’ve even met Steve. He was just as polite as you thought he would be, with a slight flair for sarcasm. You’re surprised by how quickly these three boys have wormed their way into your life in such a short amount of time. Despite your quick 5 minute interactions, you look forward to the next time you’ll be able to see them.

Your technicians are equally as starstruck as you were when you first met them when you told them to ring them up on a particularly busy day.

Bucky noticed Sam’s pouting that day. He wouldn’t shut up about how pretty he thought you looked, with your curly, black hair tied up and strands of it falling into your face, with your white coat and your quiet confidence. He wouldn’t shut up about how he wanted to talk to you, just to even say Hi.

“You just want to make eyes at her,” Bucky says in a sing-song voice later that day, “And you wanna love on her- you wanna take her out on dates, take her home, you wanna-”

“Dude, are you serious? Are you fuckin’ eight years old?” Sam rolls his eyes at Bucky and punches his shoulder, “Tin man thinks he’s got jokes, huh?”

“I’ve got more than just jokes, pal-”

Sam lets him punch his shoulder back and he thinks to himself well, he’s not wrong.

Robberies in pharmacies, especially in the city were pretty common. It had never happened to you, so you hadn’t really thought about what you’d do in the event of one. You had heard from friends and colleagues that people would come in and demand all the cash and all the oxycodone/hydrocodone/Adderall/Vyvanse/anything that could be sold on streets for a profit basically. 

You should have probably prepared for this, you think mildly, as the man in front of you at the counter demands for all the cash while waving a handgun in your face. He is demanding for all the oxycodone, Adderall, Fentanyl, and Vyvanse in your safe. You barely even register the thundering in your ears or the shaking of your hands. 

You had stupidly told your technician to go home early for the night, since it was a Friday night and Fridays weren’t usually that busy. You couldn’t even give a silent signal to let your technician know to call 911. You wished you had gotten that emergency button installed beneath the counter that would automatically dial 911 for you, rather than having to use your phone. Another stupid move on your part.

Your hands are up in surrender, ready to comply. But then you think, who the hell does this guy think he is?

Another stupid move.

“What could you possibly need all that for?” You can’t stop your voice or your lips from moving. You’re terrified and yet it seemed that you didn’t know how to act. He looks momentarily surprised at you. You’re glad that nobody else is in the pharmacy- it’s just you and the front employees who you’re not sure know what’s going on.

You could scream, you think. You could scream and you’d probably be shot in the face. You could try dialing 911 but then you’d still probably be shot in the face.

So the obvious solution is to be a sarcastic little shit. Until you got shot in the face.

“Are you stupid? You stupid fuckin’ bitch-” 

“Alright, relax. There’s no need for names,” You say, gulping. Maybe you should stop being reckless and just acquiesce to his demands. You make your way over to the safe where all the pain medications, Adderall, and Vyvanse are stored.

Sam can smell the tension and he knows something is wrong when the store is eerily quiet. Goosebumps raise on his flesh unwillingly as he makes his way to the back, where he knows he’ll see your smiling face and your dimples.

He’s come alone this time and he came near closing time because he wanted to talk to you. Maybe even charm his way into getting your number. He doesn’t actually need anything, although he told Steve that he would pick up some Claritin since his allergies were picking up despite his super soldier serum. Old habits never really died, he supposed.

A frown his on his lips when he sees this man waving a gun in front of your face. And you’re mouthing off at him, as if his threats don’t scare you. As if you’re made of steel. But Sam sees your hands shaking and your eyes darting around for someway to get help. Your eyes meet his and you struggle to hide your surprise, but you manage to do it anyway.

Tension begins to leave your body when you realize that of course, Sam is here to save the day. His warm, brown eyes make you want to trust him, and you do. You did, almost instantly the first day you met him. You can’t thank his impeccable timing enough and you watch Sam disarm the guy from behind him. He didn’t even see it coming and within seconds, Sam has the handgun in his own hands and the man is on the floor.

All Sam wants to do is beat him to a pulp for threatening you, for waving a fuckin’ gun in your face. But he watches you, standing there warily. You lock up the pharmacy and dial 911 to let them know what has just happened.

You make your way to Sam and don’t realize that you’re shivering. The man is staring at the pair of you with such contempt in his face. It’s weird to you, that you’re staring the man who threatened to shoot you in the face right in the eyes, but here you were. 

When the cops arrive at the pharmacy to collect the stranger, you’re left alone with Sam.

“Hey,” You murmur to Sam, “Thanks. For being a hero and shit.”

“Can this hero have your number?” He waggles his eyebrows and you can’t help the grin that breaks out on your face.

“I suppose my knight in shining armor can have my number,” You agree and press a soft kiss to his cheek. 

“Walk me to my car?” You ask, leaving his embrace to gather your coat and purse.

This time, he’s the one who’s a little starstruck when you grasp his arm as he walks you to your car.

[rinegadetales]

Santa Monica Dream -- Coctura/Cindy

@ffxvfemslashweek

Day 1: Hilarious Domestic Disasters

Okay so, this is a little less hilarious and a little more angst, but this just happened to speak to me this way, so I rolled with it. Enjoy!

Word Count: 1695

She had always pictured her life differently. Some details varied, but the overall vision remained constant. She owned a large, picturesque house in the country – there was nothing left for her in the city, even if Dino always insisted otherwise – and the sun was always shining. There were fresh herbs in the window, and vegetables in the garden that was on the right side of the shed where someone might work on one of their fine art pieces, or work on cars because that’s why their heart truly lied. The rooms were small, but it was just big enough for her and someone she loved with the occasional visit from friends. It was quaint, quiet, and more importantly, it was a pipe dream.

Sighing, Coctura folded her arms over her chest. In the back of the garage, Cindy worked, humming to herself, and while Coctura felt herself smiling at the absentminded behavior, she was tired. How long would she have to wait for her happy ending? Always working, married to the next car or machine that rolled through her doors, and never to the woman she actually spoke her vows to.

There was a house, yes, and she could hardly call this the country, though it certainly wasn’t the city, either. For years she waited, and she had hoped that after Cid had passed on, may the gods rest his soul, that Cindy, too, would move on. Twelve years had come and gone, and they were still here, she Coctura was still waiting for Cindy to just come home to her, to the life that was waiting for them outside of the tin walls that raised her.

 It was a long while before she Cindy finally acknowledged her standing there, lingering between the outside world and the world that kept her trapped on the inside. When she did, her cheeks were smeared with grease, and she waved before wiping her hands on the towel she held in her back pocket. Coctura waved back, sunglasses firmly on her face, and manicured nails chipped from washing carrots and rolling pastry dough. Cindy approached her, but stopped just short of wrapping her arms around her; she knew better than to dirty the chef with her motor oil and sweat. ‘It doesn’t do well to serve fresh fish that taste like tires,’ she’d said on numerous occasions.

 “About ready?” she asked, hopeful. She never wanted to interrupt Cindy, even if it meant sacrificing time with her, but she held onto the dream that one day she didn’t have to interrupt, and that Cindy would come home without being told for once. For once, she wanted to come first. She didn’t think that was too much to ask.

 “Ah, not really,” Cindy frowned, and pointed her thumb over her shoulder to the metallic black beast she had been tinkering with. “The king dinged this one up pretty good. She’s gonna need more than just a little elbow grease and a spit shine.” Coctura looked around her at the car, and sure enough, she did recognize it, now that she mentioned it. She could have asked more questions, like if the king was all right, or what he did to it, anything to keep the conversation going and to keep Cindy engaged with her for as long as possible.

 But Coctura had gone from tired to exhausted.

 Nodding, crestfallen, and surely with a pout on her lips, she unfolded her arms and placed a gentle hand on Cindy’s cheek. So what if the fish tasted like tires. It’s not like she was cooking for anyone but herself anymore, and occasionally Dino. Cindy blinked, and tried to lean into the touch, but Coctura was too quick for her, and the hand was gone.

 And, before Cindy could ask her why she was crying, she was, too.

 Tears trickled down her cheeks as she drove the length to their home alone. The road seemed more lonely than usual, but she thought that it was maybe it had always been this lonely. Maybe it never really recovered from the decade of darkness. Hell, maybe she hadn’t, either.

 Eventually, she pulled into the stone driveway off the path in the Kettier Highland. Her short-heeled feet were heavy as she walked through the threshold and into the dark, cold house. She didn’t bother with the dim lights Cindy had installed some years ago at her request – for the ambiance, she had told the mechanic – and threw her car keys somewhere to the left in the living room. She kicked off the heels on her feet and left them in the hallway, and she didn’t bother picking up her skirt, either, as it pooled at her feet and she stepped out of it. The blouse she was wearing was unbuttoned and slung over a small chair by the bedroom window, and her bra was left to fall beside.

 Her tears were slower now, and she pulled a sweater over her head before flopping onto the bed that she used to share with someone for more than a couple nights a month. It wasn’t until she had buried herself in the pillows and tugged the comforter over her that she realized the sweater was one of Cindy’s old ones, with holes and grease stains on the sleeves, and the yellow was so faded that it was more of an ivory at this point. Coctura had always hated it, but Cindy would never part with it. ‘It’s still comfortable,’ she insisted. Lying in the dark, surrounded by the scent of gasoline and pink roses that was uniquely Cindy Aurum, she was inclined to agree.

Morning came, and somewhere in the night, Coctura had found sleep, or whatever the equivalent to heartbroken unconsciousness could be called. Like a dream, dust floated through the sunlight filtering through the crack in the curtains, but this wasn’t a dream. In fact, the pain was still raw, and very, very real. She had secretly hoped that she would wake up to the sound of Cindy’s truck pulling in – she always did; the sound of the engine roaring could wake the dead – but there was nothing.

 The sound of pots and pans banging together, though, drew her upright in a panic. Her heart pounded in her chest, and she remained frozen in place until she heard it again. Quickly, she opened the nightstand drawer and grabbed the butcher knife from under the lotions and toys, ‘Because you never know,’ she told Cindy the night she put it in there, and Cindy had laughed so hard that she had almost peed herself. Literally.

 She tiptoed down the hall, and took note that her skirt and heels were picked up and moved, no longer cluttering the narrow hallway. The scent of something burning caught her nose before she ever reached the kitchen. It smelled like a meat – bacon, or ham, perhaps? The thought crossed her mind that Dino had let himself in, but even he had a little more couth than just letting himself in. He would have at least called first.

 It donned on her, then, that she hadn’t even thought to check her phone at all. Maybe he had called, and she had simply missed it? Yes, that had to be it, at least, that’s what she told herself. There definitely wasn’t a burglar in her home trying to burn it down with her still inside. Nope.

 “Oh, dang it all!”

 Coctura paused, then kept creeping down the hallway until she reached the kitchen. As she peered around the corner, sure enough, Cindy was in nothing but her bra and shorts, with the addition of Coctura’s apron, wrapped around her slim waist. The kitchen was nothing short of a disaster. The frying pan with what Cactura thought might have been an edible meat product was turned up way too high and smoking. Flour and eggs were just about on every surface of the counter, and there were at least four pans in the sink with failed attempts at pancakes stuck to them.

 Cindy turned then, not quite facing her, but just enough so Coctura could make out that beneath the grease and flour were dried tears. Her eyes were red, likely from the combination of emotions and a lack of sleep, but above anything, Coctura could see resolve. She continued watching Cindy struggle. She put too much water in the pancake mix, and her eggs were runny, and she wasn’t even going to mention the potatoes.

 Finally, after Cindy turned everything off and stood in front of the stove, defeated, Coctura let out a tiny giggle, drawing her attention. The blond whipped around, eyes brimming with fresh tears, and it clutched Coctura’s heartstrings to see her so upset, even if she kind of did deserve it. She walked into the kitchen and set the butcher’s knife on the small round table before she reached out and touched Cindy’s face, allowing Cindy to actually lean into her this time.

 “I’m so sorry,” she whimpered, and Coctura nodded. They were a sore sight in old clothes and half dressed. Really, they were a right mess, but she couldn’t help but find the whole thing to be out of some kind of old daydream.

 “I missed you,” Coctura admitted, and she pressed herself closer, until their noses touched. The pads of her thumbs brushed under Cindy’s eyes, catching the tears before they could fall, and Cindy took a deep, shuttering breath before she hugged her close, motor oil and dried eggs be damned. For a long moment, they were silent, relishing in the feel of one other’s bodies against each other.

 “It’s so good to be home,” Cindy finally whispered into her ear. Warmth washed over Coctura despite the shiver that traveled down her spine, and she beamed, pressing a kiss to her cheek, then her sugar coated lips.

 Yeah, the kitchen was a mess, and they were in their underwear, but they cooked breakfast together for the first time in years, and it was the first time in a long time that Coctura felt like she wasn’t alone in this dream she had built for two.

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #170: “... Though Hell Should Bar The Way!”

April, 1978

Oh, hey, Jocasta is back! Good ol’ unfortunately named Jocasta!

And this is a very good DC Silver Age-esque comic cover. Heroes acting inexplicably only to be sort of explained kinda on the inside. I can’t wait to see how this scenario does not even come about.

Remember the cover where Mantis was protecting Libra from the rest of the Avengers but inside she tried to beat him up for pulling a Vader on her?

Also, “The Return of the Bride of Ultron” is a very Hammer Horror-esque title. Drop the definite article and its basically one.

But enough admiring the cover. Lets get into it.

Last time: Back in issues 161-162, Ultron gave Hank Pym amnesia as part of a weird plan to trick him into turning the Wasp into a robot for Ultron to marry. It was foiled when the robot wife summoned the Avengers with ants and Iron Man threatened to destroy her, forcing Ultron to back off.

But also recently, there’s some unrest in the house of avenge. A series of overpowered foes have been battering the Avengers esteem and as a result one stalwart chums are at each other’s throats. Cap blamed Iron Man for his absentee leadership but then Scarlet Witch went OFF on Cap’s own performance recently.

The Avengers consist mostly of hurt feelings and bruised egos at this point, basically.

So we start with Cap taking his frustration to the gym.

Beast also tries to cheer him up, in his own inimitable way.

Problem: I don’t think Cap has ever been a fan of Beast’s sense of humor. There’s been several instances since Beast has joined the team where Cap has told him to stop clowning.

And he once again does so here.

So Beast tries a different strategy. He offers to tell him about some sexual escapades.

Because in the past, Cap seemed into it. It’s the closest they’ve come to bonding as teammates.

But Cap is in a Mood so he fakes a fall to freak out Beast before catching himself on the uneven bars.

Not cool, Cap.

He then angrily pumps some iron.

Because as someone pointed out to him, he’s been useless lately. And he doesn’t have superpowers unlike some people he could mention so he’s got to keep his few skills sharp.

Beast: “You know, Cap, you’re a lot like Witchy in a way -- you both take everything way too seriously! Now, me, I never take --”

Cap: “Get lost, Beast!”

Rude.

And then Iron Man shows up which just gets Cap more tightly wound.

Iron Man just wants to have a word with Cap in private.

So Beast, in his own display of pettiness, effortlessly picks up the 500 pound weight that Cap was working out with to put it away.

Savage.

Anyway, as soon as Beast is gone, Iron Man tries to start the word in private with Cap but Cap claims to be busy and passive-aggressively starts working out with the mobile stunblaster while Iron Man is trying to talk.

The mobile stunblaster is, of course, a work out machine that follows you around and tries to shoot you with punch beams while you have to block it with special gloves.

I expect that all gyms have one. Its basic workout equipment.

Cap isn’t really receptive but Iron Man manages to get out what he wanted to say.

Iron Man: “Look, Cap, what I came to say --”

Cap: “Let me guess, Tin Man -- you want to tell me I was way off base criticizing your leadership -- since I haven’t been earning my keep lately!”

Iron Man: “No. I came to apologize for myself and for Wanda! None of us have been setting the world on fire lately! She had no right to judge you!”

Cap: “It doesn’t matter! I’ve judged myself... and in my own eyes, I’ve fallen short! Maybe I’ve been lax lately --! It won’t happen again, Tin Man! Never again!”

Iron Man: “Fine! I want you to know Cap... I feel the same way about the job I’ve done as chairman! I’ve made some bad decisions... let other matters occupy time I owed the Avengers... and when I was around, I tried to do it all myself! I guess I felt guilty... and I kept trying to prove my worth! Just wanted you to know -- I’m aware of my failings! I -- I’ll try harder, Cap... or, if you think I should, I’ll step down! You can take over!”

Cap: “Wait! Iron Man, I guess my problem is that I’ve seen too many friends die in battle -- and when it seemed as if your job with Stark outweighed your Avengers’ duties -- as if you were taking your responsibilities lightly --!”

Iron Man: “I wasn’t! But... about Stark. Cap -- I should have told you long ago that --”

Cap: “No... keep your secrets, Iron Man! You lead... I’ll follow -- that’s enough!”

MmmMMMM. That is some good open and honest communication.

I love it. The me who first read this a couple years back was a fool to come off this run with the impression that it was just the Avengers getting their asses kicked and yelling at each other.

Its the Avengers getting their asses kicked, yelling at each other, and then having productive, emotionally honest conversations. It is my JAM.

Canonically, the first Civil War wouldn’t even have happened if Cap and Iron Man had set their feelings out like this.

I like that Cap passive-aggressively working out during this conversation keeps it from being talking heads because we get a bunch of unnecessary ACTION POSES as Cap works out.

But while Cap and Iron Man SOCIAL LINK GO or perhaps SUPPORT CONVERSATION depending on where your interests lie, out in the living room some other Avengers have less dramatic bonding.

Vision and Wonder Man play a game of chess together, Jarvis and Scarlet Witch admiring what good friends they’ve become off-screen. Much improved from existential angst causing Vision to try to punch him a lot and then they have to fight a gravity jerk.

They do, after all, have a lot in common. Like a brain.

But they get a phone call from Hawkeye who reveals that Two-Gun Kid has vanished. Disappeared even!

He tells Scarlet Witch not to bother coming. There’s nothing to find at the scene of the crime. So he’ll come to them.

Meanwhile, in Attilan, the Inhuman city in the Himalayas, Quicksilver is moody. But that’s nothing new, he was like that before.

He’s sitting on a balcony gazing beyond the city.

His wife Crystal asks if Attilan confines his spirit, having to stay in a secret city after all the glory and daring of being an Avenger. The battles, the thrills, the running full speed into a wall and breaking every bit of your skeleton bone.

But just as Quicksilver is saying he would never leave her, he vanishes mid-reassurance.

No, he didn’t run away in the most supremely dickish way ever. Like Two-Gun, he’s been disappeared.

What is going on here?

A story for later.

But for meanwhile we’re back to the Avengers Mansion where the Wasp shows off her new costume.

I don’t know what to say about it. Its not the worst she’s had. You don’t see as many superhero costumes that are orange and yellow. And Jan knows that branding is important because she put W for Wasp all over herself. Her gloves are cut to suggest Ws as are her boots. She’s got cleavage W and an abdomen W too.

Yellowjacket actually warns Wonder Man that if Wasp notices him in civvies, she’ll get him in a new costume so fast!

Wonder Man defers. He’s decided he’s not the costume type.

The thing about the Wasp is even if she makes a costume for someone else, she often makes it to appeal to her own tastes. Like when she made a costume for Angelica Jones, Firestar, with a pluuuuuuuuunging neckline. To Firestar’s lament.

So what I’m saying is that if Wonder Man let Wasp dress him, he’d definitely end up in thigh boots and with W’s all over his clothes.

Although, Wonder Man does become an actor later on who plays oiled up big muscles tiny shorts roles. So he’d probably rock it.

And then some colorful comic relief blue collar characters show up.

Wasp put her foot down and told Hank that she would not live with a Real Doll version of herself in the house so Hank hired Meyer and Mack to move her into his lab in the mansion.

Meyer is a real ‘seen it all’ type. Nothing impresses him. Avengers? Pssh. He moved Neil Sendaka’s ‘pianer’ once. Yellowjacket starts monologuing “[Jocasta] was conceived in evil, and yet while Ultron was transfering Jan’s life into her metal body, she unselfishly gave up her own existence by summoning us in time to stop the process and save Jan!” and Meyer all but taps his watch and reminds Yellowjacket that he’s on a flat rate.

Now Mack on the other hand? Mack is sure impressed.

And possibly discovering he has a new fetish.

Elsewhere in Saugerties, New York, the Guardians of the Galaxy secretly watch over a young Vance Astrovik. They’re sure that any day now evil cyborg from the future Korvac is going to try to knock off Vance to prevent the Guardians of the Galaxy from ever forming.

That is, if young Vance doesn’t manage to get himself killed first.

Since he’s playing baseball in the middle of a dark street and if Charlie-27 hadn’t been there, a truck would have run him over.

How he survived in the original timeline without future people being his guardian angels is a bit of a mystery.

Charlie-27: “It’s a wonder anyone reaches maturity in this idiotic backward era!”

An era where people toss spheroids in the middle of the road and where strange pieces of paper can be exchanged for food items. What strange customs.

The takeaway here is that, yes, the Guardians are busy guardianing Vance Astrovik and even though Korvac actually has bigger fish to fry and their vigil over Vance is misguided, its not pointless.

But meanwhile, back at the plot, Meyer and Mack finish carting the Jocasta crate into Hank Pym’s lab.

And just as Mack is marveling at how ‘real’ Jocasta looks (presumably for someone made entirely of metal with silly metal hair tentacles and also robot eyelashes) the robot girl awakens and OH YEAHS through the crate.

Jocasta: “He has awakened me! He calls! I must go to him! Let nothing stop me!”

Meyer and Mack flee the lab and run into an unhappy Yellowjacket who heard the crash of the OH YEAH and assumes that they fucked something up.

Which is probably not the case.

After escorting the movers out, the Avengers (Vision, Scarlet Witch, Wonder Man, Yellowjacket, and Wasp) run towards the lab.

But listening to the voice in her head, Jocasta finds the button that locks down the lab and then obviously locks down the lab.

Yellowjacket and Wasp managed to slip through the door before it closed. Doors never really bothered Vision anyway. But that leaves Wonder Man and Scarlet Witch locked out.

And the door is really tough! Its made of a special alloy almost as impenetrable as adamantium. Although the fact that it doesn’t get a name here sort of implies its going to be back to the drawing board.

But either way, the whole lab has been reinforced with it. For security reasons.

Scarlet Witch is sure that if she concentrates her probability altering powers, she can get the door to crumble but in the meantime, Wonder Man is going to keep punching like it personally insulted him.

Inside the lab, the three Avengers discover Jocasta up and about and creepy. She talks with Jan’s voice except cold and metallic. (Its never discussed whether Vision sounds like Wonder Man but since his body was the Human Torch’s I think probably not).

Vision isn’t creeped out. Somehow Ultron activated the Jocasta robot from afar and makes her speak like Jan hoping the Avengers will hesitate. But Vision won’t.

Drama is passed down in the family and as Ultron loves breaking Hank Pym’s things, so too will Vision break Ultron’s.

Except apparently Ultron planned for this. When he does the thing he always does and tries to intangible inside the robot to disrupt her circuits, he discovers an anti-matter booby trap.

It fills him with deadly energies and also copious amounts of pain.

Meanwhile, Beast has arrived at the door. He’s been looking for Thor but Thorry no Thor to be found.

That’s not one of his jokes. I just couldn’t resist.

Scarlet Witch is finally ready to do the thing she do and make probability weep but apparently the door has personally insulted Wonder Man by now. He proclaims a grudge match and finally punches it down.

Maybe its because it didn’t initially fall when he reminded everyone that his punches are approximately on the level of Thor’s hammer.

He says that a lot. That and the fact that he was created to fight the whole original Avengers roster.

I think its to remind the audience what Wonder Man’s deal is. But it also fits in with him being insecure, especially since nearly every time he talks about his fists being on the level of Mjolnir, the fight goes bad for him.

Inside the lab, Wonder Man, Beast, and Scarlet Witch find the Vision who tells them not to touch him because of the deadly energies. But that they need to pursue Jocasta.

Who has left the lab and is in the courtyard.

...

So all that effort to punch down the really expensive door was for naught? Did they really have no one guarding the other exit from that room?

Geez.

In the courtyard, Wasp and Yellowjacket fail to do anything to prevent Jocasta from strolling away, punching random plants.

Wasp: “Hank, I’m afraid Ultron’s strategy is working. I can’t bring myself to hurt her! It’d be like hurting myself!”

Yellowjacket: “I -- I know what you mean!”

Lets ignore, for once, the obvious and terrible irony involving future events. Lets go right in and focus on Jan not being able to hurt anything bearing an image of her.

Her one weakness. She just loves what she sees in the mirror too much to ever raise a hand to it.

The two heroes try to use their respective ranged attacks at low power to drive Jocasta back into the mansion but then Yellowjacket makes the mistake these two heroes always make and flies in too close.

She nabs him out of thin air and starts squeeeezing

Then Beast do what Beast do. DYNAMIC ENTRANCE, BOOT TO THE HEAD!

Then because Yellowjacket distracts Beast asking him not to smash Jocasta if he can help it, Jocasta shoots him in the face with eye lasers.

Because, of course, Ultron built her with eye lasers.

The family that slays together, right?

Wonder Man goes to punch her to scrap but she has a force field. Of course she does.

And even though he could punch through it eventually, in the here and now she shoots him in the face with eye lasers.

Scarlet Witch uses her power over nature (I guess she does just have both skillsets interchangably. Neat) to wrap Jocasta up in a tree in much the way a tree does not and cannot do.

Jocasta just flexes her way free. Because she has robot super strength.

Ultron, your wife is too powerful. You’re shaming the rest of us with your unstoppable killing machine wife.

The Avengers regroup and think about this. Maybe if they use teamwork and work as a team, assemble if you will, maybe if they strike as one they can overcome this robot lady.

Before they can, Iron Man comes in blasting.

Not at her, at them.

Iron Man: “Leave her alone! The first Avenger who harms her answers to me!”

And then Thor appears out of nowhere, calling it a long-delayed return (weird time stuff is still going on with him). Instantly deduces a battle is happening and decides that it would be a really cool way to enter the battle if he smashes this mysterious robot woman with his hammer.

I’m not saying that Thor always goes for the move that will fit best on an album cover but I’m sure that it runs through his mind sometimes.

Captain America is confused that Thor doesn’t recognize Jocasta since he was there when they stopped Ultron from putting Jan’s soul in her. And he’s not sure where he’s flying in from since he was just in the mansion minutes ago.

BUT HE HAS TO SAVE ROBOT GIRL!

And he throws his mighty shield and even Mjolnir must yield.

Also, after their little talk, Iron Man and Cap are back in the whole friendly pal/chum kind of thing. Like. Almost exaggeratedly so. Like Cap is making a real effort.

-Iron Man catches Cap after he jumps off the roof to throw his mighty shield-

Cap: “Thanks, Iron Man!”

Iron Man: “Good work, Cap! Took a heck of a chance, though!”

Cap: “Not really. I figured someone would catch me! After all, teamwork’s the name of the game!”

It practically screams I’M GOING TO BE POSITIVE!!

The other Avengers criticize Iron Man and Cap for letting Jocasta go. Which she does by literally walking through the wall. Geez. Ultron your wife is so strong.

Anyway. Iron Man explains the obvious thing. His armor sensors have locked on to Jocasta’s electrical patterns. Obviously they’re going to follow her and she’s going to lead them to Ultron!

Hot damn! Avengers being proactive! Kinda! I mean, Jocasta waking up was on Ultron but instead of just letting the killer robot lurk around somewhere and make a new plan to be murdery and oedipal, Iron Man is going to do something about it!

Unless this is a trap!

But that’s just the hazards of the job.

Also, I guess the cover was more or less accurate. The exact scene didn’t exactly happen but the spirit of it basically. Although Iron Man never blasted Wonder Man. In fact, he apologized that he had to blast near him to stop him.

So this is my second read through this run on Avengers. So like the brown bear I know ALL. But the first time around, I’m pretty sure I didn’t see Jocasta coming back.

I mean, it was only eight issues back. But that’s over half a year. Generally a loose end like Jocasta either comes back in the next issue or is teased throughout to remind the readers that its totally going to be a plot device.

If not, usually the loose end doesn’t come back so soon. And just gets brought back by the first writer who remembers it was a thing.

Apparently Jocasta has just been propped up in Hank Pym’s living room the whole time with Jan growing more and more disgruntled with it.

There’s not much to say about Jocasta herself. She’s kind of like the Wonder Man zuvembie. More plot device than character right now. But an intriguing one.

So next time: more of this. The Revenge of the Return of the Bride of Ultron. But it won’t be called that, alas.

[navigatorface]

My tips for strengthening the immune system and better Anti Agging!

In order to experience aging healthy and without medication, it is necessary to activate the body's own pharmacy by observing the 3 pillars of health:- Movement- Nutrition- SleepThese 3 pillars have to be observed and cared for as one would do with a luxury object. There is nothing more luxurious than a body and a brain that works. We remain capable of learning until 10 minutes before we die. This means that we train the cognitive and physical muscles regularly, give them the right fuel (nutrition) and give them the necessary regeneration and rest (sleep).

Now to my personal experience with the three pillars:movement:Due to injuries caused by sports and motorcycle accidents, I had to rebuild the complete musculature (legs, feet) several times. Because after several months of inactivity, the muscles are gone and the tendons are shortened. This has brought me to fitness and strength training. I don't do it with great pleasure, there is something masochistic about the machines. But it helps to get back in shape. And in old age, it helps to at least stabilize and in the best case even build up the muscles. I have more muscles and strength now, at 71 years of age, especially on my arms, than I did 50 years ago!I do specific strength training twice a week in the fitness club (60 minutes), additionally at home every 2nd day between 60-70 push-ups and 1 minute planks as well as trunk bending. Without that my body would be like a rusty car with a weak engine.  After training I always take my Protein Shake nu3, Fit shake. It is a German product with 76% protein, all important vitamins and minerals, collagens, choline and green tea extract. I take the taste with vanilla because it tastes good together with the unsweetened coconut milk where I mix it, about 2-3 deciliter.See my pic here: 

Basically I orientate myself on the food culture of the Mediterranean region. That means a lot of vegetables and little red meat. As meat I prefer chicken and regularly eat fresh water fish like trout, perch, char, whitefish and especially salmon. I prefer sea fish more when I am at the sea.To grill fish or chicken, I always use coconut oil. This oil goes very well with fish or chicken, gives it a special taste. Coconut oil is also good for preserving your eyesight. Coconut oil is a remedy overlooked by Western medicine, which is effective against all kinds of infections as well as macular degeneration and glaucoma. I discovered it too late:

https://www.brodehl.de/selbsthifle-bei-augenerkrankungen/kokosoel/I discovered it much too late. From time to time I take a teaspoonful because it tastes so good. To grill red meat, I only use veal or beef, I always use cold pressed olive oil. I eat red meat only 1x a week. Chicken and fish however 1-3 times a week. As a side dish to fish and chicken I either make rice or noodles. But it can also be a bowl of mixed salad, which I enrich with avocado and feta cheese.

What I also often do is chicken with curry sauce. Cut the chicken into small pieces, fry it with coconut oil and chopped onions, then deglaze it with some white wine, dust it with some spelt flour and add some coffee cream to get a creamy sauce. Then add curry spice. This can be done with turmeric powder or Arbabian Advieh ( Arabian Advieh ground. The most sensual spice of the Orient smells almost like a curry, but it fits to the aromatic language of the Mediterranean Sea) to enhance the taste. You have to try what you like better. Special spices are available from a colleague of mine, Beat Heuberger: www.beat.heuberger.ch in Zurich. What I also like is Riz Casimir. Prepare as with chicken meat as mentioned above. When the curry is ready and the rice is cooked, I prepare the fruits as a side dish. That means I fry some fruits lightly in coconut oil. This can be sliced banana with tangerine slices, grapes and small almond slivers. When they are a little fried, add them to the curry and stir. Rice is especially rich in carbohydrates and nutrients - all around super healthy and suitable for a nutritious and conscious nutrition. In traditional Chinese medicine, rice is even considered a remedy for high blood pressure. It is also said to relieve the heart and strengthen the body - here are the healthiest rice varieties in the world:Natural rice, wild rice, whole grain Basmati riceWhat I also love is vegetable gratin. The frozen vegetables (Frozen vegetables usually contain more nutrients than vegetables in jars or cans, but also as fresh vegetables that have been stored in the refrigerator for a few days. This is because the nutrient content in fresh vegetables decreases significantly over time due to light and heat).I heat the frozen vegetables in the microwave, then put them in a fireproof bowl, sprinkle grated cheese over them and a sauce Bernaise or Hollandaise (as used with asparagus). This is heated in the oven (gratinated), you can see when the sauce turns slightly brownish - super delicious and prepared in no-time.I also love pasta, but you should not eat it every day. I like to make spaghetti with tuna fish sauce. I take tuna from the tin and heat it up in an organic tomato sauce. The sauce can also be made with a ratatouille vegetable sauce ( https://www.lecker.de/ratatouille-gemuese-33919.html )

Or spaghetti bolognese can also be made like this: 20 gr less chopped beef, but with carrots and celery in the tomato sauce. Or for the pizza, I use only fresh tomatoes, sliced and placed on the dough, with tuna pieces (canned), anchovies and capers and some recent Gruyere cheese from Switzerland. You can also use spelt dough as a base.  A simple rule for eating is: Rainbow-colored food, cooked as a side dish or sauce or raw in a salad. Then you eat a lot of secondary plant substances!

I make my homade salad dressing as follows: Mix grape seed oil with balsamic vinegar and a little mayonnaise, salt and pepper and season to taste until it fits personally. So I hope I could give you some advice what and how I eat. However, it is always important to eat what you like and to give you pleasure and pleasure. I am not an ascetic or fundamentalist when it comes to food, I also take a burger every now and then, but never with white bread.

I also love sweets, but in masses.But the most important thing to keep health and weight in balance is the interval fasting that I have been practicing for over 20 years. That means, here the 16 to 8 rule applies.How did I come to this. I had an extreme allergic reaction after the last knee operation in the 90's, due to an antibiotic infusion during anesthesia. This reaction occurred repeatedly over several months with severe skin rashes (hives). I could no longer take certain foods or painkillers and was given an allergy pass. After X sensitivity test it was found out that it was the mentioned antibiotics infusion during anesthesia.I then, independently of this allergy, completed a fasting week in Austria, the so-called F.X. Mayr cure: https://www.netdoktor.de/ernaehrung/heilfasten/mayr-kur/In this course, 1 week, my intestine was cleaned and the microbiom in the intestine, which was destroyed by the antibiotics, was rebuilt. I did not know this, but I was pleasantly surprised about the result. I can recommend thus a chamfering cure only if one has difficulties with the intestine. The intestine is so to speak the pharmacy one with the correct nutrition to effect brings. During chamfered the body disposes of increased cell wastes, whereby the damaged proteins and cell components in a process, which is called autophagy, are digested and eliminated with the defecation. The right diet helps digestion and can alleviate complaints such as irritable bowel syndrome or rheumatism. What also helps of course is stress management with mediation or self-hypnosis. A healthy lifestyle has nothing to do with asceticism or renunciation - on the contrary, everyone can decide for himself whether he or she wants to swallow daily medication in the case of chronic diseases, gets back pain in the case of overweight or even needs artificial joints. On the other hand, those who change their lifestyle and diet not only get a better quality of life but are also rewarded with a strong immune system as a defense against any viruses. My interval fasting looks like this, breakfast like a king, between 08-09h, then late lunch, usually between 13.30 to 15h and then nothing more except 1-2 glasses of red wine in the evening. I always do this when I am alone. As I said before, I am not an ascetic or nutritional fundamentalist. When I am in company, I eat in the evening or enjoy finger food during the apero. Except for sausage, offal or pork, I basically eat everything. The advantage of Dinner Canceling is also that the body's pharmacy produces melatonin, the sleep hormone. Not eating dinner also leads to a better sleep and corresponding sleep quality, which in turn leads to better regeneration. See in addition also my video to stress biology into my YouTube channel: https://youtu.be/a5AFh52nz0MHow to apply the 16 to 8 rule during interval fasting is individually different. There are humans without the breakfast to do and Lunch as well as dinner consume. One must find that out for itself.Interval fasting helps me to keep my weight with +/- 78kg. Most people consume too many calories while eating. For people who don't do heavy physical work, 1200 to max. 1500 calories per day are enough, everything above that is too much.

Regeneration:Here the quality of sleep is decisive, i.e. not the length of sleep but the achievement of deep sleep phases alternating with REM phases. More about this also in my video on stress biology: https://youtu.be/a5AFh52nz0MHere is a tip for irritable bowel syndrome. Here a change in diet and also "abdominal hypnosis" helps to readjust the communication between brain and intestine so that not every stimulus in the brain is felt as pain. A special app "Care care" can help in this respect. A healthy intestine loves fiber, good and slow chewing and regular exercise.  I hope that I can help a little bit with this article so that you can activate your body pharmacy for a long and healthy aging.

[mercydix]

history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?