#a v fun exercise in writing outside of my comfort zone!!!!

[marleysfinest]

if you don't like the heat, get out of the kitchen; jean & connie x reader

 thank u @uwubraun for the inspo for this I owe u one

  NSFW. minors dni.

It’s hot, and sweaty, and you get home smelling of oil and sweat, but a job’s a job. Although, you could tell from the way that the waistband of your jeans digs into your skin a little tighter recently that scooping up rogue French fries and letting those line cooks whip you up a little something every shift was starting to take its toll. You didn’t care, though, because it just made you feel like there was more of you to go around.

   Despite the shitty customers and the even shittier tips, your shifts were always made bearable by those line cooks. Jean and Connie, the kitchen dream team who made it their duty to dote on you every goddamn day. You never thought of yourself as much of a catch, but since being on the receiving end of their affections, you thought twice about it now. 

   You pull on your trusted black jeans and polo shirt uniform – not the sexiest outfit in the world – and head to work for yet another hot and sweaty shift. As you swing the door open, you hear the jibes echo from the back.

   “Shit, girl!” calls Connie, glancing up at you, “hey Jean-boy, you seein’ this?!”

   Jean’s head pokes from round the corner, and he flings his head back while biting a knuckle.

   “It’s a good day to cook, my man!” he yells in reply, turning his attention back to his food preparation. Thankfully, there aren’t yet any customers, but that doesn’t stop you feeling embarrassed in the best possible way. 

   After throwing your bag and jacket in your locker, you head to the kitchen to collect the sauces for the tables. 

   “Good afternoon, boys,” you coo as you swan in, “workin’ hard?” 

   Jean looks up at you but doesn’t once stop his slicing, although he slows his motions. He gently rolls his shoulders which click gently, like he’s limbering up for something. 

   “Always workin’ hard when you’re around,” he replies with a wink. 

   “That’s too tongue-in-cheek, man, even for you,” jokes Connie, breaking the spell Jean seemed to be under. They fall into their usual ritual of aggressive but jovial banter, allowing you to get on with preparing for the wave of customers due in any minute.

   Once the tables filled and the orders flooded in, you fell into the rhythm of service. Top ups, plates, spills, and complaints; every shift was essentially the same, but you got through it hardly breaking a sweat. One particularly sour old woman is unhappy with the way her steak has been cooked, and demands you take it back to the kitchen. With a shrug and wry smile, you agree, and head to the heart of the restaurant to scold those chefs.

   “Now listen, boys,” you call, swinging the door to the kitchen open backside first, and setting the plate down between the two of them, “there’s a sweet, little old lady out there insisting that you’re trying to poison her with this here steak, alright?”

   You looked between them, your faces hardly a foot apart, with eyebrows raised as if to make it seem like you were genuinely complaining.

   “Are you gonna fix it?” you ask. 

   Connie flits his eyes down to the steak before looking back to you, clearly not bothered in the slightest about the old woman’s complaint. 

   “We can fix it,” he replies, glancing up to Jean, “you want us… both to fix it, or…?”

   The grin that appears on your face answers the question for you. 

   “Make the little old lady happy. Burn it to a cinder, please, and stick it on the pass.” 

   You head back to the dining room to await your steak, making sure to add a little extra swing to your hips as you went.

The old lady is placated with her overdone steak, and soon enough the dining room empties. You sweep up the rogue crumbs and napkins, and thanks to the muscle memory of cleaning this place for the past three years, you’re done in no time. As the staff filter out one by one, you soon find yourself in a familiar situation; left with the keys to lock up, as Jean and Connie dawdle to finish cleaning the kitchen. You hear them still at it, ribbing each other mercilessly over mishaps that had happened on shift, or indeed ones that happened a week ago. Deciding that tonight was the night to show those two the consequences of all their flirting, you lock the front door and flip off the lights of the dining room, and head through to the kitchen to join in the camaraderie. 

   The metallic clang of the keys on the prep bench alerts the two of them to your arrival in the kitchen, and soon the jibes quiet down, both of them suddenly devoting their attention to you entirely. 

"Hey, you," says Connie, "you lookin' for some dinner?"

You can't help but smile.

“Damn, don't you know what a girl wants."

He looks pleased with himself as he hoists himself up onto the counter, apparently not intending to make you anything to eat at all. Grabbing your confidence with both hands, you make your way over to him slowly, batting your lashes gently as you went. You could've sworn you saw a flush of red in his cheeks, but he soon regained his composure.

“Everyone's gone home..." you say, utilising your most sultry voice and letting it trail off. Connie's eyes are suddenly filled with lust as he stares back at you, unblinking, as you gently use your hips to drive a wedge between his knees and place yourself between his legs. Acutely aware that it wasn't just the two of you in the kitchen - nor did you want there to be - you turn your attention to Jean, who watches the situation unfold keenly from the corner with arms crossed.

“I've got an appetite, but not for steak," you say to him, "got anything I might like back here?"

He unfolds his arms with a cursory glance at Connie, and slowly makes his way towards you. Meanwhile, Connie’s hands find their way to your hips, before sliding them around and beneath the waistband of your trousers just beneath the small of your back, pulling you closer. He leans down and firmly pushes his lips against yours, immediately slipping his tongue into your mouth.

Jean appears from behind and gently brushes your hair away from your shoulders, before planting breathy kisses all along your neck. Connie slides his hands to the front of your jeans, and he barely fumbles with the button and zipper as he loosens them up, showing off your lacy pink underwear, and eliciting a sigh of anticipation from his lips. Jean takes over to slip your jeans down enough so that gravity does the rest, and no sooner had they hit the floor was he moving on to removing your shirt, succeeding in one swift movement.

"Matching bra and panties?" he whispers, "you plan this, baby girl?"

You blush as you feel his breath on your neck, and Connie releases you just long enough to allow you to turn your attention away and reward Jean with a passionate kiss. You run your fingers through his hair, holding him in place, and the feeling of his growing erection against your hip confirms that he enjoys it. While you tease all the shuddering sighs you can from his lips, Connie has turned his attention south. With the gentlest of touches, he slides your panties to one side and firmly presses against your clit, causing you to catch your breath.

"Oh, she planned this," he mutters, peppering kisses across your chest as he slides the straps of your bra from your shoulders, "baby has been wet for a long time."

You submit yourself to them fully, and what ensues is a masterclass in pleasing one's woman. Not only do they take it in turns mercilessly fucking your sweet, dripping cunt, but every so often they switch to more tender methods. Jean takes great pleasure in lapping you up, using his tongue skilfully, as Connie kisses you like it's the last time he'll ever be able to; they both save themselves just long enough by using their fingers in every way they knew how to practically make you beg for release, and it's not until you have tears streaming down your face that they finally let you come. your cheeks and chest flush red, and in a moment of pure, primal desire you allow them both to fuck your pretty mouth until they both spilled over in climax.

Being the gentleman that they are, they make sure that you're well tended to when emotions return to earth and the clarity sets in. They clean you up gently with warm water and soft towels, always checking in with you to see that you're satisfied which, of course, you are.

It's just a job, but despite the shitty customers and even shittier tips, those line cooks might just make it one worth sticking with a little while longer.

[gyusimp]

°• 🍡 𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚜 🍡 •° [Dom Mitsuri Kanroji x Fem reader]

Ok, I know this post is a bit different so let me explain. I have a friend who's sickly in love with Mitsuri, so she literally paid me to write a fic for her hahaha. I had never written femxfem before, doing this took me out of my comfort zone and even helped me unblock myself! It was a new experience and at the same time fun, I was satisfied with the result so I wanted to post it here in case anyone is interested lmao otherwise just ignore it. I'll post it on AO3 later too.

°•Read Part 02 here!

🍡WARNINGS: NSFW | Fem character x fem reader | Smut | Modern AU | Both of them are adults | Minors DON'T interact.

You were outside her door, in the hallway of her apartment after ringing the bell. Mitsuri would not take long to leave and so it was. After about 10 seconds she appeared on the other side of the door with a big smile on her face as she invited you in.

You had a math test in 1 week at university, you weren't exactly good at math so your friend immediately offered to give you some lessons, practice some topics and help you pass the test with the highest possible score.

"Welcome back, y/n-chan!" She greeted you, excited.

You took off your shoes and left them at the entrance and then headed to Mitsuri's room, the sound of your bare feet and hers walking on the floor accompanied their voices down the hall until she entered her room. The study desk was clean and tidy ready to work so you put your small backpack on the floor next to the bed and sat on one of the chairs that Mitsuri had brought.

"Thank you so much Mitsuri, you have no idea how much this will help me, you are amazing." You thanked her, for the thousandth time since she offered you her help.

"It's nothing y/n-chan! Anything for my friend" she said with flushed cheeks, moving one of her hands while holding her face embarrassedly with the other. "How about we start now?" One took a seat next to the other, you took out some graph paper, your pencil case and your math book. You told Mitsuri what you had to study and which ones were difficult for you, she was not only very good at math but she was also very sweet and patient with you so that gave you enough confidence to ask all the questions you wanted.

She was as sweet as a kindergarten teacher, she even congratulated you when the answer in the exercises you did was correct. It had already been 1 hour and a half since the study session began so the best thing was a short break to clear your mind and prevent you from falling asleep.

"You're doing great! How about a 20 minute break?"

"Cool, I didn't want to fall asleep." You joked, laughing with Mitsuri.

"I'll go get a glass of water, do you want water too?" She asked.

"OK thanks."

Mitsuri stood up and stretched raising her arms, you looked for no reason in her direction without thinking and watched just as she adjusted her skirt after standing up making your chest jump. Mitsuri always wore tight or short clothes, and this skirt was very short so you could see the beginning of her butt as she started to walk towards the door. When she left the room you tried to erase that image from your head and think about something else, maybe read your notes again and thus distract yourself quickly but all that came to mind was the scene when she opened the door of her apartment and the first thing you saw after her face was her tight bust under the little t-shirt she was wearing and that prominent v-neckline showing a big part of the beginning of her boobs. Was it starting to get hot? You decided to take off the cardigan you were wearing and freshen up, luckily you were wearing shorts and a tank top.

After a few seconds, the pink-haired girl entered the room with 2 glasses of water in her hands, the water was so cold that small drops slipped down the glass.

"Thanks girl, this was what I needed." You said, hoping that drinking something cool would stop your pulse racing.

ೃ࿐♡ೃ࿐♡ೃ࿐♡ೃ࿐♡ೃ࿐♡ೃ࿐♡

About 25 minutes of class passed after having had that little break time, you were starting to get bored and despite putting all your effort into paying attention you couldn't solve this exercise. The problems were the most difficult and Mitsuri noticed your frustrated expression trying to solve it.

"Do you have any question?" She asked attentively.

"I can't understand this part, do the exponents have to be multiplied here too? Agh! I feel so stupid..."

"You're not stupid y/n-chan! You've already managed to solve other exercises, you're very smart!"

You looked at the clock on the screen of your cell phone, there was still time to complete the agreed 2 hours of study so you sighed tired when you thought about it.

"So far you've done really well, so I think we can take another break." Mitsuri said, trying to cheer you up.

"Ok, I hope that helps." You got up from the chair and stretched again as did Mitsuri. She got up from the chair and walked to her bed to get on and crawl on the mattress towards the pillows, you looked behind you and realized two things that made you feel too nervous again. She sat cross-legged but her skirt was very short so inevitably you could see her panties and because of the position of her legs you could have seen more but you decided to place your eyes elsewhere.

"Even I feel a bit tired" Mitsuri said.

"What are you talking about? I'm the one who's been burning out her one neuron." You teased, both of you laughing in unison.

"I mean, I've never spent so much time sitting in those chairs, I usually use my bed as a study area so now my back is tingling haha."

"Me too!" You said, sitting on the bed next to her.

Mitsuri sighed and ran one of her hands over her shoulder and back. "Do you mind?" She asked. You didn't have time to react when she reached under her clothes to unhook her bra and remove it, throwing it elsewhere.

"N-not at all, don't worry." You and Mitsuri were quite confident so she was used to doing things like this in front of you without knowing that you were trying hard to hide your nerves.

"These things can be really uncomfortable sometimes, especially when, well...you know." She said, pouting as she massaged her breasts. Why had she done that? Now you felt bad for not being able to stop seeing her. Her little shirt was so tight to her body that it hugged her breasts perfectly, making her nipples stand out from under the fabric. Her breasts were large and the way they bounced under her clothes when she took off her bra kept replaying inside your head. "Sure you're not hot? I can turn on the fan if you want."

"Oh thank you. I'd like that very much."

You stayed sitting on the bed hugging your knees while Mitsuri stood up to go turn on the fan. When you felt the cool breeze hit your skin, you couldn't help but close your eyes and lie down on the pillows while leaving your legs bent. You felt a movement on the mattress so you assumed that Mitsuri had returned to the bed but then she didn't move again and remained silent so you wonder if she was still there or had left the room so you opened your eyes to find out. When you opened your eyes, you caught Mitsuri looking directly at your thighs and between your legs, with your knees bent that way she could easily see your panties under your shorts. This definitely made you too nervous, you were about to sit down and close your legs but another thought came to your head faster. She was also watching you like you were a while ago so that got you a bit horny.

Your face was very red just like Mitsuri's when she felt trapped by you but despite that she didn't try to hide what she was doing or at least try to look a little shy so that only made you keep moving forward.

"All in order?" You asked, spreading your legs with the excuse that your knees were blocking the view of her face in front of you.

At this point it was quite likely that you didn't care anymore and both of you would completely lose your shame.

"What are you talking about?" Mitsuri asked, starting to crawl towards you on the mattress.

"You didn't stop looking at me, it's unfair if I have my eyes closed." You answer.

Sometimes you two used to joke around in similar ways but now, things were getting a bit further, you both subconsciously expected one of you to stop but you kept going. You kept your legs open and Mitsuri lay on your abdomen between them, causing your core to rub dangerously against her and feeling her breasts lean against you.

"Of course that's fair, you were looking at me too so now we're even." She said, making you blush.

Both of you fell silent, Mitsuri staring at you while you tried to look anywhere but her face and that included the low neckline of her t-shirt in front of you. Mitsuri moved in place, at first you thought that she was settling into her place or she would just get up and the class would continue but everything changed when you realized that she started rubbing on you provocatively. Mitsuri settled her legs on the bed keeping one straight and the other bent to rub her own core against her panties and the mattress making her large breasts massage over you. The position of her legs made her little skirt mess up, leaving her butt exposed, showing you her tight little lace panties.

You didn't say anything, you just gasped and spread your legs more so that she could fit better in the middle of you. She smiled at you with desire so that she felt more confident to move as she wanted. Mitsuri placed her arms on each side of you to hold on better and continue rubbing on the mattress and on top of you, she even had the courage to start panting a little just to annoy you and increase your blush. Mitsuri wouldn't stop looking at you and see  doing this kind of thing made you feel too nervous and even more when she was so close to you; but you'd be lying if you thought this moment was weird or awkward, each passing minute turning you on more and more and just waiting for one thing to lead to the next. You wondered if at some point she was going to touch you.

"This feels s-so good..." Mitsuri gasped. She settled between your legs and lowered one of her hands to her panties to take them and rub them better against her wet core. "You've never tried this before y/n-chan?...it feels really good."

"N-no..." you managed to reply, feeling her breasts on you turned you on more and more besides the sight in front of you.

"Really? Never before?...self-satisfaction is just as important as self-love, girl." She told you.

You didn't know what to answer, Mitsuri settled back and took her hand out from between her legs. She held on to the mattress again and it was after that when she groped her hand directly between your legs inside your shorts, over your dressed cunt making you arch your back in surprise. You were about to say something but you didn't even have time because she started rubbing her fingers against your panties causing a lot of friction with each brush of the fabric.

"A-AAH!" You moaned, surprised to feel her fingers in your panties.

Hearing your voice like that made Mitsuri turn on more, causing her to start moving her fingers faster as well as her hips against the bed. With every movement, she could feel her wet panties brushing over and over again in the middle of her slit, right on her slippery clit. The feeling was perfect so she wanted you to experience it too.

"Y/n-chan...I want to make you feel really good, aah-ah." she moaned.

Mitsuri took her hand out of your panties for just an instant, grabbing your shorts and pulling them down over your hips and butt until she took them off and tossed them around, exposing your black lace panties fitting your pussy on her face.

The pink-haired girl's fingers took the center of your panties and she began to rub the fabric making sure that each touch was right on your clit just like she did until little by little you were wetting the fabric of your underwear; you even started to move your hips to get a better feel. Mitsuri noticed that you began to get wet very quickly and slowly began to moan in need.

"D-doesn't that feel amazing?" Mitsuri asked. "The rub on the clit is perfect-aah! I'm so-so wet! And you too...mmhh."

You were both about to cum if she continued like this, but Mitsuri didn't want this to happen, at least not yet. She wanted to try more things and at the same time make sure that you enjoyed it as much as she did. Mitsuri stopped and got up, tooked off her skirt and sat up to crawl over to you.

"Don't you think it would be better to feel…closer?" She proposed to you, biting her pink lip. She traced a line with her finger all over your slit, feeling your wet labia. "We are both very wet." You stayed in the same position and Mitsuri imitated it in front of you, legs spread and leaning on her arms on the bed. "I'd like to feel you…here" she said, spreading her legs and making her panties shift to let her cunt peek out from under the fabric.

"Then do it..." you replied.

Hearing that made her heart jump with happiness. Mitsuri came up to you and took your panties off, then she got rid of her panties as well and left them lying around. She took your thighs squeezing them sensually to accommodate your legs around her waist and make you hook her between your legs. She did the same and that's when you realized how flexible Mitsuri was when she spread your legs and hers and hooked you in the same way against the bed, letting her breasts crash against yours almost on your face. When he was in the position she wanted, she dropped putting some pressure on you and sat down so that her pussy was exactly on yours, making you moan when you felt his wet labia. Mitsuri leaned over and settled on your hips, holding onto her arms on either side of you and beginning to move her hips, slow movements in circles and back and forth. The contact between your most sensitive points was direct, the position of the open legs of both and each of the movements made your lips move and your cunts open to collide and slide against each other.

Wet sounds began to accompany your and her moans throughout the room, you moved your hips against Mitsuri's to cause more friction. Both cunts wet rubbing each other, your clit massaging against Mitsuri's was the most perfect sensation you've ever felt in your life. You looked up or squeezed your eyes but when you looked ahead and saw Mitsuri's neckline you completely sank in pleasure and didn't take your eyes off her. Her tits moved and bounced on you with each of her thrusts, her hard nipples standing out under her tight t-shirt. Mitsuri's movements began to get faster and faster, crashing and bouncing off of you, she began to grind her vagina against yours increasing the odds of bringing both of you an amazing orgasm. You realized something, Mitsuri's t-shirt was too small and her bust was too big, her boobs began to bounce more and more forcefully from her cleavage and seeing that made you crazy and she didn't seem to care at all; she just kept moving on you, getting wet on your vagina until the position she was in and her strong thrusts caused one of her breasts to come completely out of her clothes bouncing on you and then her other tit did the same. You didn't take your eyes off her, her pink nipples were rubbing on your chest so you decided to take them to massage them with your hands and make her as aroused as you were.

"Y-your boobs are so big-aah! I love them."

"You're also...a-aah- you're beautiful y/n-chan! Your little wet cunt is so cute ah-mnnh!" Mitsuri moved away from you a bit and took off her shirt, making her breasts bounce even more when she took it off. You didn't stop seeing her for a second, moving more.

When she returned to the position she was in, you put both hands directly on her butt to massage it and put some downward pressure so that your cunt was closer to hers, you squeezed and touched her ass making her moan for a long time until that you felt the need for more. Your left hand slid between her buttocks until it reached her wet pussy and your right hand began to play with your own pussy or the part that Mitsuri's couldn't cover, wetting the fingers of both hands, pumping your own hole and feeling this made Mitsuri squirm on top of you, leaning her head back moaning with all her might and moving faster on top of you. Your juices and hers splashed between her slippery cunt and your legs spread wider to rub you with each of her folds.

"AA-AH! Yy/n...y/n-chan! Mmghh-aah!! D-you think you're gonna cum already?"

You couldn't even answer because you were about to, you moved your hips hard to feel Mitsuri on your clit while you tightened around your fingers, you squeezed Mitsuri's ass again making her moan as you did when a warm sensation it went down from your abdomen straight into your pelvis.

"AAH-AAH MITSURI!! I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum! AAH!!"

Your legs spread wide, your back arched and a sticky white discharge shot straight out of your vagina drenching Mitsuri, causing her to do the same and cum in your pussy. Both wetting each other while she was still bouncing her pussy against yours in reaction to the orgasm until her speed slowed down.

Her thighs and yours were wet and sticky, you saw Mitsuri's breasts and as they glistened with sweat, sweat dripped from the back of your knees to your feet and your legs trembled as did your breath. Mitsuri lay down next to you and let both of you stretch out your legs after staying in that position for so long. Before she fully pulled away from you, you could see thin white threads coming from her cunt joining yours, leaving you wet and feeling slippery between your legs. Mitsuri's chest rose and fell with her heavy breathing, even though neither of you spoke it wasn't an awkward moment at all. You two looked into each other's eyes and different parts of your body at the same time. You didn't know what time it was, you even completely forgot the reason you were here, you saw the desk and looked at all your study material and then you saw the time on the clock next to the bed on a small table. 6:44 pm It was already getting dark outside and that worried you a bit.

"That was a very interesting lesson." You said, breaking the silence.

"We should repeat it another day, don't you think?" Mitsuri spoke, sensually.

"You think so? Then you won't be able to get me out of here that easily in a study session." You joked.

"You don't have to go today, I know it can be dangerous to go out at night so you can spend the night here..."

"You mean...a second round?" You said, getting up to approach Mitsuri.

"If that's what you want."

"Only if you let me go above you this time..." you replied, straddling her.

[ladymdc]

*writers year end review*

I had started to put this together on Twitter but for some reason that site is awful for my mental health & the purpose of this exercise started to backfire. I ended up taking it down after a few days without finishing, but I’m ready to try again here. I’d let it go, but I think it’s beneficial to look at what I accomplished for a year from of a place of appreciation instead of judgment— which I’m bad enough at.

1. Personal favorite thing I wrote this year:

My Pushing Daisies Rhack AU: At Rest. Is it niche af? Yes. Do I care? Absolutely not. I fell in love with the show & I had a lot of fun writing this.

(There are only 10 q’s in total, but the rest is under the cut as to not annoy the masses :3)

2. Least favorite thing I wrote this year:

I finished Dark Bloom (the Hades/Persephone Rhack AU I started forever ago as an exercise in descriptive writing) but idk, if I could go back & approach it differently, I would. Still it’s finished, & I am happy with that fact alone.

3. Which fic was most different than I usually write:

This is the Rhack whumptober collab I did with onediamondpony: A Memory I Keep Having. I’m used to writing my OTPs getting together, not trying to break them apart. It was a flex outside of my comfort zone stylistically too, but I couldn’t be happier with how the whole thing turned out.

4. Which fic was most successful:

I try to ignore stats as a gauge for how a fic is successful…. that said the one that probably did “best” is the D/s Stripper!Rhys flavored Rhack What is it about you that I can’t describe?

5. Which of your fics do you which was more successful:

This is A Memory I Keep Having. I’m biased because I put months of work into it, finishing it all before sharing it, etc & want my friend’s hard work to be given all the love it deserves too 🥰

6. Favorite piece of dialogue:

This will be from the Beeverse wedding fic. It’s so dumb but so are they & it fits imho.

7. Favorite description or narration:

This is A Memory I Keep Having. There are A Lot of pieces of this fic I’m proud of so it was hard to narrow it down, but here’s what I chose.

8. Which fic was the most fun to write:

Accidentally already answered this in #1 but! At Rest was the most fun to write. I’ll indulge in some art eventually for it :v

9. Go back and change something about one of the fics I wrote this year, what would it be:

There ended up being some baggage tied to one of my fics & I would just be more cautious with what sorts of group projects I sign up for. I have no ill will toward anyone or anything like that. I just ended up with a very poor opinion of one of my works for a very long time & it took a bit for me accept there was nothing wrong with the work itself or my writing… I’m happy with it now & that’s what matters I think.

10. What, if anything, am I going to do differently in my writing next year:

I need to stop self pressuring all around. I write the stories I do because they sparked & brought joy, & I’ll update or post when I can & hope those who still take the time to open it, enjoy it.

[megamanxfanfics]

The Hiatus

I’ve been dreading the idea of writing this, but the fact that I am at all means that I’m coming out of my funk and am looking onward towards moving ahead, and hopefully forward, once again with this project in the future.  I’m afraid I’ve got a lot of explaining to do.  Wouldn’t you know it?  Life got in the way again.

It seems that every new Writing Season, something always happens to me to shift things around and make it near-impossible towards writing Mega Man X.  I’ve been mulling over how to talk about all of this without getting too personal on an MMX blog.  But the fact is that what happened to me is very personal.  And very complicated.  So I’m gonna just go for it, while keeping it in simplest terms.

I broke up with my girlfriend last month.  Which means I had to move out...

I can say that with dry eyes now, and without a heavy heart.  It was a smooth break.  Very mutual.  We both knew it needed to happen, because we weren’t happy at all. (Always doing our own thing, making separate plans... etc. etc. etc.)

But back to this.

I recall back in November I had posted a Writing Exercise - What X Remembers, in an attempt to kick-start my motivation for this project.  Needless to say, it didn’t work.  I can tell you right now that I wasn’t exactly busy.  I was burnt out.

Yes, I’ve been wanting and wanting to start this thing, but in the planning phases, I’ve also been afraid of it.  Because I don’t want to mess this up. Or it’s too confusing, or disjointed.  And I know how I get.  I harp and harp on things until it’s perfect, or feels good enough to present.  And... frankly, I was in a position where things were so bad at home, that I just wanted to spend time with her to keep everyone happy.

I would also take advantage of ‘Me-Time Monday’ as I used to call it when she’d be out doing her own thing.  Except my creative outlet for those days would be working on music, which is my first passion.  I’ve taken on a massive project of adding vocals to a lot of old music I had written, and even now I’m maybe half-way through that.  And there were definitely certain Mondays that I wasn’t even in the mood for music...  I certainly wasn’t in the mood for X.

I was depressed...  She was depressed...  But why?

Well... this blog, isn’t exactly about that.  But what I can tell you is that we were just going through this mundane routine every day.  Even our weekends became routine.  And neither of us were fun to be around any more.  Even upon realizing it and trying to do different things.  ‘Go out on a date, Dummy!’  That’s what I would tell myself.  But even nice events didn’t work.  She’d complain about being tired, or full or we wouldn’t talk at all.  That... was the extent of our interactions.  Outside of that, we’d just watch our shows, which would entertain us, and make us laugh.  We’d hold hands and stuff, sometimes.  But even then... it didn’t really feel romantic.  As one friend put it best, “It sounds like a friendship...”

And we both realized that last month.

So you could say that from November-February, I had slowly been working at getting my motivation toward this project back up.  Despite my daily toils, I was driven to bring myself to do the things that make me happy.  I had even reread most of the Writing Diaries, all the way up to Season V again, which took me down a nice bit of Nostalgia Road.  Reading about the Process of this Project is just as fun as reading the actual episodes for me.  It’s the Journey, not the Destination, after all.

But like I said, then February happened and we just imploded.  Everything immediately broke down.  My living space, my comfort zone.. where I was going to be!!  I didn’t know what to do.

In week 1 I took out the time to hang out with all of my closest friends.  I told everyone who needed to know first.

In week 2, I started seriously looking for places.  And that was equally exciting as it was exhausting.  However, I did find one thing that wouldn’t be ready for the next 2 months!  And that also freaked me out.  Now I had a pseudo-time table on my hands, but it was a little too long.

In week 3, I cracked.  We absolutely got into a fight in our shared space.  Things were so smooth as friends and roommates.  We had still shared our King Size Bed, and kept it completely civil, since nothing romantic was happening in the bedroom anyway...  But, at some point, some Social Media Drama occurred and I actually started acting like an Ex.  It was becoming very clear to me that living together any longer was going to destroy my Mental Health.  So I made the choice to get out of there, sooner than anticipated.  That Friday, I put a bag together and stayed at my parent’s house.

The original plan was to ride this out as long as possible and move into the 2nd Bedroom while I start to leisurely pack, as I keep looking for places.  But instead, all this drama accelerated my schedule and forced me out of that house.  That weekend, I came back to grab the rest of my clothes and relocate my TV back to my Parent’s house... Which takes me to week 4.  

In week 4, I focused on helping my brother with an After-school play.  I changed my work hours for him and everything, but on top of that, I had an unexpected interview which could’ve changed everything!!!  You see, I’ve been looking for better jobs at the same time as looking for new places.  And that’s what made this so stressful.  That’s even partially what caused all this drama, because one night I tried complaining about it to her, and she didn’t really seem to care much.  We were acting like exes to each other, and I really couldn’t handle it.  So once we got into a fight, that was the wake up call.  We’re not together anymore.  We can’t do this any more! Literally.  It was time to get out of there and move on.   Well, the job interview wasn’t in the cards... but it’s for the best, because it would’ve made this new place that I’ve been hoping for, not make sense any more.   That weekend, I got together all of my books/movies/games/comics, electronics, pictures, etc. etc. while she had put together boxes of the kitchenware I get to take.  By Sunday Night, basically all of my stuff was out of there. I couldn’t believe it.  It was very therapeutic and bittersweet.

This takes us to Week 5 - last week.  The commotion has slowed down to an abrupt halt.  I’ve been very tired.  Technically I have all the time in the world for MMX now, but I’m just not there yet.  And I probably won’t be for another month.  And I say that now, because I’m literally in between places.  All of my stuff is in boxes at my Parent’s house, but this other place that I saw is in the process of coming through.  Their time table accelerated a little bit.  I got news yesterday that the place has been painted, and that new carpets will be installed on 3/23.  As I am basically move-in ready, but also really want this to be the place, I worked with my new Landlord and asked him if I can start to leave boxes this weekend.

And that’s what I did today.  Today I left the first installation of boxes into that house’s basement.  It will be the new location I call my home, and the best part about it is that it’s only 5 minutes from Work.  That’s HUGE.  [But that too is temporary, as I still need a better job.]. One day at a time though, right?

This is primarily the reason why I’m writing today.  I feel that the brunt of this Transition Period has reached it’s Apex, and from here, it’s gonna be pretty smooth sailing into the next place, as I become acquainted with my New Normal of 2020.

I’m also writing, because admittedly, I have been thinking about MMX6 again, and rather than catch up with the rest of the diaries, I just read the last one.  Where I actually regressed into plot points again and still couldn’t answer certain questions, like what those stupid teleport portals are.  I mean, how much of an explanation do I really need?  It’s Mega Science!

I’ll be honest.  I could start tomorrow, and I’d probably feel pretty good about it, until I hit my first slump.  Which will most likely be the Central Museum stage.  And then I won’t want to do anything.

No, my heart’s just not in it yet.  I don’t want to start MMX6 on my laptop.  I want to be fully set up and Comfortable in my New Place when I start Season VI properly.  The silver lining is that I have all the time in the world for this and my music, now.  And I’ll have to feel out that situation too, because I desperately want to do both.  And that’s part of the conflict too.  Both projects literally interfere with each other, because I only have enough time and energy for one or the other on any given night.

Keep in mind, once I have my own place, everything’s on me.  That’s cooking, dishes, laundry and of course self-care, right?  So that involves the necessary shower, and of course entertaining yourself.  And that means yes, actually pulling myself away from my hobbies that I tend to wrap myself in so much.

I’m not blaming this project for losing my girl, or my music.  Hell, I’m not even blaming myself.  We just weren’t a good fit for each other, but we sure tried to be.  For 5 Years!  There was a lot of good in those 5 years too.  But she changed a lot.  Me too.  But her, more...  In a less fun way.  Very easy for me to say, of course.

These things happen.  People change.  And we truly made the healthiest choice to end it when we did.  It was really just a logical conversation about what isn’t working, and both of us literally agreeing that this doesn’t make sense any more.  My friend last night put it best.  “I think your relationship just ran its course.  You both saw it through to a complete end, and it was really good that you chose to end it when you did, because neither of you were happy any more...”

And there it is.  I suppose I’m ending this on that note.  One day I’ll be ready for MMX6 again.  But today is not that day.  And instead, I’ll be playing the MMZ/ZX Legacy Collection in the meantime.  =P.   And no.  Don’t get any ideas.  I have NO intention of writing an MMZ Anime.

[pruebopruebapruebe]

Found this in my drafts. Date unknown but maybe August 2019.

It's a letter (????) to my future sexual partners. Why sharing it? It may help me or someone else in the future. When I found about autism I thought "what is something I can not fake" so I searched for autistic afab and sex/orgasms. Thanks to that I get convinced. So, it may be useful.

This is in no way a guide of autism and sexuality. It's just about my sexuality at the time and I happen to be autistic and think that it has an effect in the way I experienced sexual relations. I'm not changing the format. I'm adding a read more so do interact with the post if you want. I haven't fixed grammar nor typos, I'm sorry for that.

20/V/2020

I have things to confess to my future partners, things I have never said because I was ashamed. I still am. But i have to say it.

So here we go.

For my future partner:

I like sexuality… The idea. The concept. The emotions involved. The pleasure. But i can’t really enjoy it. I can’t really enjoy the act of sex. Not freely. Not like normal people do.

So I’ll give you the option to look for sex outside our relationship, or the option of an open relationship when it comes to sex. It’s not that i don’t love you, nor that I want other experiences (that’s a lie, don’t believe me if I say that, it was the excuse to keep the secret). It’s because I’ll end up resenting you. I don’t want to keep having sex because i feel It’s what i have to do. That will transform love making in a choir and I’ll be thinking when and how is going to happen to end it quickly, so you will not leave me.

But, to be honest, i want to share sex with you. I want to believe I can do it. I want to believe I don’t need to be high or drunk to let myself enjoy it. It’s complicated and embarrassing and I don’t know where to start to explain it. But I’ll try.

>I can’t talk during sex. At best, I’ll avoid it, because it’s distracting. It’s an effort. At worst I won’t talk because i just can’t. I didn’t know why until very recently. So, if things are going bad, if I’m not enjoying myself, if I’m not feeling you, if I’m not having a good time, if it’s unpleasant, I won’t tell you because i can not articulate the words. And if I do, assume it’s taking me a lot of mental effort and strength. I’ll probably look at you blankly, do faces or start crying before talking. It’s not your fault. It’s not that I am mad (yet). It’s just the way it is.

>I need your voice. I need your sounds. If you are silent, if you don’t talk to me, you are making me suffer. You are making me feel like a piece of meat. I need to know what do you think about the sensations, about us, about me. About my body. About the things I’m doing to you. The things you are doing to me. What we have done, what we are doing and what will we do. I don’t care about the language you use, or if you don’t make much sense.

>If I’m asking you something it’s because i can’t ask you to talk to me, so the next “best” thing to do is to make you talk to me by doing those questions (”how does it feel?”, “Do you like it?”). Even if they come as casual, I’m doing a GREAT effort to make them. Don’t ignore me. Don’t answer with one word and then go back to silence. It fucking breaks my bloody heart.

>If I start crying, don’t panic! Don’t stop. I’m not hurt (just in the feelings). Take care of me, I’m desperate because i can’t tell you to do so.

>I may cry too because i feel like I'm going to die. The sensations are overwhelming and I feel like I can die from what my body is feeling, this strong sensation inside out, like a unreachable heat about to explode [and break your body, image, face, dignity for a moment, letting you vulnerable, exposed, ugly].

>I may or may not need to practice my breath during intercourse. I would love to extend on this item but it's embarrassing.

>Don’t squeeze the squeezable soft zones. Sorry not sorry [try with a gentle grip]. However, you can squeeze the hard zones, and you may touch the soft zones veryveryvery slightly. [Maybe you can wear gloves? I know is stupid and weird, I just thought that would be nice]. I LOVE TOUCH.

>No but really I starve touch during sex, I like a strong, dominant grip, makes me feel desired. And/or a constant caring touch in all my skin and body: limbs, neck, back, belly, face, hips (omg hips), etc, helps me relax and stay in the mood.

>I think I like to have pressure over me. I would like to try it.

>I zoom out a lot. That’s why I’m so awkward about the place… I get distracted very easily. If I can hear people, there is no chance for me to get confortable. If there is too much decoration, it will distract me. I have to be brutally honest here and confess that I have always wanted to be blindfolded during sex, but was to ashamed to say it. I am very self-conscious and having sight of my surroundings, your body and my body makes me think and zoom out and then feel guilty about it. I can’t just keep my eyes closed all the time consciously.

>Also, I don’t know if music helps me or not. It certainly can help if you don’t have a problem with me moving at it’s rhythm (another thing I feel ashamed for), but the lyrics must not be that good or i’ll get distracted. The television must be off.

>Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands. I confess that I have also wanted to be tied, so my hands would know where to be.

>Take the lead, I love it! And I appreciate someone in control who will give me the rules and decide the steps of the intercourse. Give me explicit permission or orders about what to do or what is ok to do, or what is ok to do "in this moment" (including orgasm) or what is ok not to do (including the possibility to stop).

>I would like to have a safe word, because most of the times I ask to stop is because I am at my edge and it's too much to lose control. So I would like to have a separate word to tell my partner I really want to stop, so they don't confuses it with the "it's feels so good I think I'll die keep doing it untill you break my resistance" stop.

>I care a lot about... Clean bodies. I know I shouldn't. I need my partner to tell me they don't feel disgusted by my body. By my body hair, and fat, and colours and smells. And bad angles. And genitals and other body parts all over me. You can told me what you like (it doesn't matter if you say the same thing multiple times). You can also go to the other extreme and tell me something nasty about my body as long as you can handle it and make it clear that you don't mean it/care about it so I'll know you know I'm ugly but still desire me. It's not an easy game, but having this kind of things stated at the moment (every moment/every time a moment repeats itself) helps me [or at least i think it does].

>I have no problem giving you oral sex, but I don't like to receive oral sex. Idk if I haven't met someone skilled at it or what, but I. Don't. Like. It.*

>I don't like fingers inside my vagina. Just don't.*

[*Unless you are very skilled or I am in the mood to give it a try OR I'm very drunk].

>Yeah I like drunk sex, it helps me enjoy it. Maybe we didn't pact it before, but it can happen, in fact, being drunk or high are the best ways for me to have casual sex. Just... No te pongas babosx.

>I don't like kisses. I'm sorry, that's very personal and intimate for me. Piquitos seh, pero con lengua no por favor, me da asco [sólo en circunstancias específicas lo permitiría].

>I don't like the conventional routine walk/cinema/fun - food - sex nor [the better option] food - walk - sex. Please! How do you expect me to make exercise after eating? How do you expect me to feel confortable with my organs being twitched and pressed with food inside of them?? The digestive system goes all over the way, sir. I prepared for this date but this was hours ago, I don't feel comfortable with my nasty body anymore. No. I like the opposite. Sex, then food and then the fun/walk/actualdate.

>I "wet" myself if I reach orgasm and that always stops me from it, or cut it at it’s begining because of the shame. It's just me squirting, but it smells a little like pee and that's a big deal for me. Yes, I go to the bathroom always before intercourse.

>Ice, please.

>I am very verbal. I moan until my mouth is dry and even say some things like yes, like that, it feels good, etc... in spanish usually but I would totally moan in english if I weren’t so self-conscious.

>Don’t expect me to accept as “normal” that I have to do things you don’t have to. We can agree certain things are most confortable for you, but don’t expect me to enjoy anal sex if you can not think of yourself as someone who can "be used" in that way just because “well I’m a man”.

EDIT: 19 XII 2020. For some time I have been wanting to change some thing from this post, but at the end, it’s more useful for me if it stays this way and I write something new that resembles better how I feel about this topic. Explain it better. Change some parts that now I think didn’t convey the idea clearly.