#a super great movie that you also should watch if you haven’t

[godmadeaterribleerror]

Chapter 5 - If You Let Me

Series Masterlist - Main Masterlist

Author's Note: Welcome back Sam Winchester I’m sorry about your girlfriend are you ready to suffer for thousands of words as these two idiots dance around each other?

Chapter title from when the party's over by Billie Eilish

Word Count: 16.7k

Chapter Summary/Warnings: Dean calls you for a case, you grapple with your growing power, and Sam has questions. Usual warnings.

Tags: Dean Winchester/Female Reader, enemies to friends to lovers, canon divergence, slow burn, angst, fluff, monster of the week.

Chapter 4 - Chapter 6

Read on A03!

No matter what happens, Dean can never be allowed to know how fast you’re driving. Especially because every single traffic violation you commit is in his name. In the hope of seeing him just ten minutes sooner.

In your defense, you haven’t seen him in person in almost three months. You’d gone on a hunt together, parted with the usual smile and awkward high five, and then he’d just stopped asking to you hunt with him. He hasn’t left, hadn’t vanished, and he’s been the one calling you to talk, but he just doesn’t even mention hunts anymore. You just don’t see him. And over those four months of missing him—and shoving that aching, whining feeling deep, deep down where it couldn’t feed into the White’s vast desire—he’s started to sound… off.

“Did you know that people could curse animals?”

“Yeah,” you’d said, glancing down the hall to make sure Bobby was still gone, and not about to barge in and catch you talking to Dean. “I think you can curse most anything. I’ve heard of like, babies being cursed.”

“That’s creepy, Princess.”

“I didn’t curse them-“ You’d cut yourself off with a frown. “Did you and John run into a cursed animal?”

“Uh. No?”

You’d raised your brows. “Why are you asking me, I wasn’t there.”

“No, I’m just- It’s complicated. I’ll tell you later. How did that hunt in Montana go?”

“Oh, super fucking easy.” And it had been. You may have destroyed a fire hydrant when the chimera chased after you—unable to contain or aim the Darkness like you could when you were with Dean—and almost bashed your head against the wall from the sickness crawling over your head and setting it on fire when you returned to the motel, but you’d been done in a day. And you’d been lonely—hollow and long and vastly lonely—but Dean didn’t need to know that. “What’s complicated?”

He’d sighed into the speaker. “I said I’d tell you later-“

“Are you safe?”

There had been a long pause of static noise. You’d been about to check if the call dropped—Bobby didn’t really get great reception—when Dean spoke again. His voice had sounded soft.

It had been worrying.

“I’m alright,” he’d whispered your name, and your grip on the phone had tightened. “It’s- There’s a lot going on right now.”

You’d frowned into the air, the White making a pathetic noise like it could convince you to take a car and just go. Go to Dean—you didn’t even know where he was—and try to help him with whatever was a lot, when you’d probably end up making it worse. You always made things worse.

You might have also destroyed a tree. And a mailbox. And a good part of the road.

Dean clears his throat, his tone almost nervous through the speaker. “Where are you?”

“Me?”

He chuckled. “Yeah, unless there’s someone else on the phone I should know about-“

“Shut up.” You’d rolled your eyes, sitting up in your seat as an engine sounded outside. “Shit.”

“Where’s Shit-“

“No, that’s not- Sorry, Dean, I have to go-“

“Why?” Through the phone, you hadn’t been able to tell if that was his worried voice or angry voice. “Are you-“

“I’m alright, I just-“

“Where the hell are you-“

“I’m home, in South-“ You’d cut yourself off with an internal grimace. Fucking Dean and his way of making you accidentally say too much of the truth all the time, even over the phone. “Park.”

“Isn’t that a TV show?”

Shit. Dean mostly watched children’s cartoons, daytime soap operas in motels, and really old movies. You hadn’t expected him to know that.

“No?”

“Why are you asking me-“

“Shut up. I really have to go-“

“Alright, alright, just, if you’re not busy, we’re near Pittsburgh, and we could use your help.”

You’d frowned, taking careful steps up to your room, praying that Bobby wouldn’t immediately start looking for you when he got inside. “I don’t think John would want my help-“

“Not Dad.” Dena had sighed, and you could picture him running his hand over his face. “Sammy.”

You’d frozen, the door not fully closed. “Your brother? He’s done with college?”

“Yeah. I mean, no. Kind of. It’s-“

“Don’t say complicated.”

“Uh,” he’d paused. “Complicated.”

“Dean-“

“I couldn’t think of another word! What the hell else-“

“Messy? Confusing? Complex?”

“You know Princess, you’re really annoying-“

You’d scoffed. “That’s no way to talk your very good friend and possible savior. Message me where to meet you.”

“So you’re coming?”

“Yeah.” You’d grinned into the air, keeping an ear on the door as Bobby shuffled around downstairs. “I want to meet your brother.”

Dean had groaned. “You know, you’ve met him before-“

“Doesn’t count. I want to actually talk to him this time.”

“Fucking- Fine, but no funny business, or asking him stupid questions.”

You’d hummed. “No.”

He’d snapped your name into the phone, right as Bobby had called it from downstairs, and you really did have to go. 

“See you soon, Deano.”

You’d hung up, and barely a second later Bobby had knocked on your door.

“Hey,” he’d grunted you name, and you were pretty sure he hadn’t heard anything. “You in there?”

“Yeah, wait-“ You’d checked your hand and glanced in the mirror—no bite marks or scratches, the only evidence of your pain living inside where Bobby couldn’t see it—and opened the door with your best nothing’s wrong smile. “Welcome home, old man.”

Bobby had scoffed, scanned over you with narrowed eyes, and then met your gaze with a small, tight smile. “Ain’t I the one who’s supposed to- shit-“

You’d wrapped him in a tight hug, squeezing him and letting out the long breath you always held when you left. It was an oath you kept trying to keep for yourself, that you’d always come back home because you had to let out that breath. That the highways were long, and the nights were lonely, and the Darkness kept building and building inside you—sinking deeper and deeper into the White until there was always some part of you that strained and screamed from the pain of trying to pry them apart—but you had a home to come back to, and one person who’d never call you a burden.

Because you’ve grown sicker. You only grow sicker. You only destroy more and more things, and the Darkness only slips away from you with more ease, but Bobby doesn’t give up on you. 

The demons began, and they won’t stop coming, but Bobby doesn’t give up on you. 

Dozens of demons, more and more every month, ever since that one demon you’d killed for Dean. You don’t know why. You don’t know what beacon lit up inside of you, what’s calling every single fucking demon in America to come and find you wherever you went, but they are. They do.

It's been random. Gas stations and grocery stores, on random hunts and waiting for you near your car. It’s worse when you’re alone. When the Darkness and the pain get overwhelming to the point that you’re barely you anymore, and you end up curled in a bathtub, breathing heavy through your nose. Your clothing in a pile of the floor because it aches to touch something as sick as you, the whole room disgustingly clean because you can feel the grime itch and rot at your skin, your rings on the sink because the pain of the iron sears over your ribs and organs.

And then you’ll force yourself up to go get some coffee, and the barista will have something black and malevolent and glinting writhing inside of Her.

They almost never attack. It’s more terrifying, because you’ll feel an overwhelming sense of wrong, and you’ll yank everything down with a bite on your inner cheek, and there will be the demon.

Just watching you. Smiling at you, following you for day, and then vanishing when you skip town.

Then there’s him. He’s the worst of them all. He’s more like fog, burning and glinting inside his vessel’s body. He’s yellow like sulfur or acid, and keeps appearing when you turn a corner. Passing you in the street and nodding at you in a bar, like he knows you.

He never approaches. He never attacks. He just watches, like you’re a specimen. Everything that’s wrong inside of you his worse inside of him. Potent. Eroding.

Terrifying.

And Bobby knows. Not about the yellow demon, or how the whole thing started, but that you don’t really sleep anymore because you’re afraid the night will take form and go for your throat. That you’re on more and more hunts because it’s distracting from how the Darkness always strangles the White when you’re static and useless. That all the pain has gotten far worse over these past few months. 

Although he does think that’s unexplainable. He doesn’t know it’s because you’re always alone when you’re gone, and the only reminder of Dean is his voice on your phone and his knife in your jacket. 

But Bobby still doesn’t give up on you. He made you create a plan for when the Darkness—inevitably, although neither of you would say it aloud—takes over and you aren’t able to drag yourself down in time. He still tells you to just come home and stay there every single day. And if Bobby was going to give up on you, he would have long ago. He wouldn’t return your hug with a long sigh and mutter your name like you were something important to him, instead of a leech. 

“Welcome back, kiddo.” He’d grunted, and when he pulled back and gave you one last firm look, you knew he was checking for damage one last time. “Chimera go down easy?”

You’d flinched, the beast’s shrieks of pain still echoing around your head, and Bobby had frowned.

“You have another-“

“Yeah.” You’d whispered. “Big one.” 

Bobby had sighed, rubbing his jaw as he gave you another assessing look. “Anythin’ unfixable?”

You’d shaken your head. “I would’ve called you, but I wasn’t that far, and I’d finished the hunt anyway.” 

Bobby had opened his mouth, worry painted on his features, but you’d known what he was going to ask. It was the same fear that haunted you. 

“Nobody saw me.”

He’d nodded, letting out a long sigh. “Alright, but you’re gonna need to be more careful. Our luck ain’t gonna last forever, and when someone does get wind-“

“I’ll call you, then Rufus, throw all my phones off a bridge and abandon whatever car I was driving. Go one town over from wherever I am and lock down until either you or Rufus comes to get me.” You’d given Bobby a soft smile. “I know the drill. I helped you make it.”

Bobby had rolled his eyes. “Cool it, smartass. How long are you stayin’ this time?”

You’d given him an apologetic, tight-lipped smile. “Dinner?”

“That’s it?”

“I’ve got another hunt.” You’d mumbled, and Bobby had frowned.

“You need a rest,” Bobby had grunted your name, and you’d swallowed. “Ya’ look like shit.”

“Hey-“

“I ain’t gonna lie to you. When the hell was the last time you slept a whole night?”

You couldn’t remember. 

But you really wanted to go see Dean. You missed him. You missed laughing and talking to him, and you were worried about him. And couldn’t tell Bobby that, because then you’d have to tell Bobby that you’ve actually been hunting with Dean for about two years when he’d specifically told you not to.

“A few days ago.” You’d shrugged, twisting a ring on your finger. “I’ll be okay, and I can come right back after this one.”

Bobby had sighed. “Where would you be headin’.”

“Pennsylvania.” 

“And you’re stickin’ around for dinner.”

You’d nodded, and Bobby hadn’t pushed further. You’d eat dinner with him, spoken about anything that didn’t make him look concerned and your whole body only pain, and climbed into the car with another silent promise to come back.

And you were holding your breath again. But this was a three-person hunt. A three-person hunt with Dean. 

You’d be fine.

He’s sent you to one of the usual, generic strip motels. Crowded lot, beige paint, cracked sidewalks, and stiff, square bushes lining the building. You’ve barely stepped out onto the pavement when a door slams, and there he is. Bags under his eyes weren’t there last time you saw him, a small bruise on his cheek that seems about a week old, but still grinning. Still impossibly handsome, still making the White buck and hum and ease into the Darkness, still not yours to ask for.

And really happy to see you. You’ve seen Dean’s fake smile.

This one is real.

He shouts your name, and you’re long past trying to fight your own smile at the sound of him saying it. At the sight of him jogging towards you, nothing but genuine joy on his face that you’re here.

And then he hugs you, and you’re not sure this isn’t a dream. Dean never hugs you anywhere but in your dreams. In real life he always grins at you and shoves his hands into his pockets, the most contact he offers being a nudge of your shoulder with his, or a drag of your body away from danger. But this is a hug. This is his arms wrapped around your shoulders, his body pressed right up to yours, and it’s so quick that you don’t have a chance to really return it before he’s gone.

Dean’s eyes are wide on yours as he steps back, and there’s more red near his ears than usual. His hands go in his pockets, you stand a little taller, and both of you stare at each other for a long, strange second before you find your voice.

“Hi.”

“Uh,” Dean clears his throat, glancing over his shoulder before looking back to you. “Hey. Good to see you.”

“Yeah, you too.” You wrap your arms around your body, and suddenly there’s a ghost of a strong, warm body pressed to yours. Dean had hugged you, and it was far worse than just his hand. It had branded on something deeper under your skin, sinking down into the White, bleeding into the Darkness until everything was silver, and you were a little dizzy.

And you’re just staring at each other. You want to hug Dean again. He’d been warm and tangible, and he’d touched you on purpose and it had sent lighting through your blood and up your spine, and you can’t tell if your skin is prickling from the silence or the need to just go touch him

“Dean!” A loud, annoyed voice cuts through the air, and you look over Dean’s shoulder to see a tall, shaggy-haired man walking out of the motel. “You left the fucking door open, dude, you can’t just-“

The man stops, blinking at you, and you offer him a small smile. That’s Sam. He’s somehow taller, and his face isn’t babyish and innocent anymore, but you recognize him. 

And he seems to recognize you, because his words are slow, and his gaze never leaves yours.

“Dean?”

Dean rolls his eyes. “Don’t start, Sammy, I closed the door-“

“No, you didn’t. But that’s not what I-“ Sam glares at Dean, gesturing to you “Is she your contact?” 

“No, she’s my hooker- fuck-“

You whack Dean’s arm, and Sam’s eyes widen.

“I am not a hooker-“

“Obviously, Princess, hookers are supposed to be nice-“

“I’m nice!”

Dean gives you a flat look. “You just freakin’ hit me!”

“Because you called me a hooker, Winchester.” You wrinkle your nose at him, crossing your arms. “And, just so we’re clear, if I was a hooker, you wouldn’t be able to afford me.”

Dean’s jaw twitches slightly, and you frown, because he’s not sparring back. He’s supposed to spar back. The strange, hanging tension from the hug is gone—he probably hadn’t even felt it deep in his body like you had, he’d probably just been awkward because you’d been too dazed from his contact to hug him back—so Dean’s supposed to make a joke about working out another form of payment, and wiggle his brows at you in a way he doesn’t know always makes you fall a little further into him. Makes your skin warm and the world technicolor. 

But he’s just looking at you, and there’s something taut flashing behind his eyes. You open your mouth to apologize—to ask what you said because you know you’re bad at understanding the line, yet Dean always seems okay crossing it with you—but Sam clears his throat, and Dean turns away.

The White aches. You don’t have time to indulge it.

“So she is the contact.” Sam raises his brows, and Dean scowls at him.

“Obviously.” He mutters, and when he looks back to you the taut thing seems fainter. Buried down where you’re not sure you’re supposed to see it.

But you do. And it taints those fractured pieces through your body. Makes them wither and balk, because you struck something in Dean again, and you don’t ever really know how to stop.

Dean says your name, offering you a smaller smile than before. It’s still real. You’ll have to cling to the fact that it’s still real. “This my brother, Sammy-“

“Sam. It’s Sam.”

Dean shrugs. “Sure, whatever-“

“No, not whatever.” Sam frowns. “It’s bad enough you won’t stop calling me Sammy, I don’t need everyone we meet-“

“You two have actually met before-“

“Yeah, I remember. And Dad said that-“

Dean shoots Sam a sharp look, Sam snaps his mouth shut, and everything start to get too big as the Darkness vaults up to the surface. John had said something about you. He wasn’t here, but he’d told Sam and Dean something, and Sam didn’t look all that happy to see you. He wasn’t turning any weapons on you, but he and Dean were exchanging a silent conversation, and you were caving in as the world expanded. You could feel the bite of the wind on the trees, and the thirst of the yellowing grass around you, and fuck, you could taste bile in your throat because the Darkness was starting to rot in your stomach as you forced it down-

Sam says your name, and you almost don’t hear it over the ringing in your ears. “Is she good-“

“Yeah, shit- just-“ Dean places one hand on your shoulder, waving the other in your face. “Hey, Princess, come back down-“

He’s close. His hand is solid on your body. He smells like grass and spice. 

His thumb has moved to the bridge of your nose, stroking a slow line that moves the Darkness back into the cavity of your chest. Makes everything clear, even as the pain lingers. 

You let out a long breath, offering Dean a small smile. “Thank you.”

Something flashes in his eyes, and your breath is heavy in your lungs. Every time this happens, you worry he’ll snap. That he’ll demand more answers than you can offer, and his it’s probably just a girl thing will come to a crashing end as he puts together that it’s a you thing. And just you isn’t worthy of him wasting time on.

But this one doesn’t seem to be it. Dean’s lips press in a small pout, and he scans over your face, but he doesn’t push. 

“You good?”

“I’m fine,” you shrug him off, making your voice as casual as possible. “Just a long drive. It’s nice to meet you, Sam. Again.”

“Yeah, you too.” Sam offers you a tight-lipped smile. “Dean said you could help us out with this?”

You nod. “Well, he didn’t what this is, but-“

Sam cuts you off with a groan, shooting Dean a frown. “Dude, you didn’t tell her the details of the case?”

“C’mon, it’s not my job to be a freakin’ database or whatever-“

“You still need to tell her what the case is, Dean, what if she can’t help-“

“I can help.” You snap, and Sam sighs.

“Look, I’m not doubting you, but this one is really complicated-“

“Good.” You raise your chin up, holding Sam’s gaze. “That’s my specialty.”

Dean clears his throat, looking between you and Sam with a weary expression. “It is, Sammy. She’ll get this. And you know we need the extra hands.”

Sam sighs, shaking his head. “Okay, fine. But you’re the one who’s explaining the case, Dean. You were supposed to anyway.”

Dean rolls his eyes at you as Sam turns around, and suddenly it’s all clear and bright again. You don’t know how he does that, how he stitches everything inside you together when it starts to rip. You need to figure it out and bottle it up. How to use it on command, because this might be a long case. Sam doesn’t seem to want you here, or like you all that much, and John told them something. They haven’t killed you, but John told them something. And Dean might be strangely willing to just dismiss your episodes, but you catch Sam’s odd look as you walk into their motel room. He seems a bit sharper than Dean, a little more on edge, a little more guarded and cautious.

So you need to be careful. You need to keep it the fuck together, by yourself.

And you’re a little worried that’s not possible.

Dean gestures for you to sit in a creaking, wooden chair—Sam watching you both from across a round table—and claps his hands together as he begins.

“So, we’ve got five dead ladies, three in their twenties, one in her thirties, and one hag-“

You raise your brows at him. “Hag?”

“Yeah, she was like a million. Wrinkly. Right, Sammy?”

Sam shrugs, shaking his head. “I would’ve just said old, man.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “Fine, old. Point is, different ages. Different races too, and jobs, and social circles. We’ve been investigating for about a week, even broke into the vic's houses and went through their rooms. No connection between the vics outside of all being chicks, no deep dark secret, fucking nothing.”

You frown at him. “Like the mall.”

“Kind of, yeah, but these ladies are all going down the same way.” Dean points to his head. “Bashed in brains.”

“Gross.” You mutter, running a hand through your hair as you think. “Where are they dying?”

“Same office building.” Sam says, sliding some papers across the table. “Different floors, though. Four of the vics were employees, but one was just visiting her boyfriend.”

You nod slowly, scanning over the files. “And why isn’t it a ghost?”

“Because we figured out who the ghost should be.” Dean leans over you, tapping another one of the files. You can feel the heat from his body, and it makes your gut warm. You need to get it the fuck together. “Maggie Robins. Got her brains bashed in by her husband, Joey, in his office after she found out he’d been cheating on her with her best friend. Son of a bitch offed himself and the mistress right after.”

“Yikes.”

“Oh yeah. But here’s the fucked part-“

“Maggie’s body was cremated.” Sam jumps in, and Dean glares at him. “And all primary possessions were auctioned off by the police. We triple checked the whole office building, and were only a few things left in Joey’s office, for evidence, but nothing that important.”

You raise your brows. “What are we constituting as important?” “Personal valuables.” Sam says, frowning at you. “All that was left were some pens, generic wall art, and makeup-“ “Perfume.” Dean corrects, and Sam nods.

“Yeah, perfume-“ He pauses, turning to Dean with a dry, amused look. “Why’d you remember perfume?”

“I’m observant.” Dean snaps, looking down to you with a shrug. “It was perfume, Princess.”

“Yeah, I’ll make a note.” You smile at him, Dean smiles back, and when you glace back to Sam his expression is strained. Unreadable.

You’ll have to worry about that later.

“So,” you sift through the papers, tearing slightly at the corners. “Not a ghost. Have there been other signs?”

“Flickering lights,” Dean drops into the last chair, watching you with a gaze that seems to sear into your bones. “Few people said they’ve heard moans and screams when no one was there, and a janitor told us he’s been wiping up ghost blood, but-“

“Oh, okay. It’s an onryo.” 

You lean back in your chair, crossing your arms, and Sam and Dean exchange surprised look.

“It’s a…” Sam blinks at you. “It’s a what?”

“Onryo.” You shrug, tucking your knees into your chest. “Japanese vengeance ghost, born from a really violent death that was emotionally charged, often because of a betrayal.”

“Shit.” Dean mutters. “Betrayal like your husband fucking your best friend.”

“Exactly.” You grin at him, and you could swear he puffs his chest out as he grins back.

“I told you she’d get it, Sammy-“

“Yeah, you’re a genius.” Sam’s voice is dry as he pulls the papers back across the table, his attention on you still weary. “You’re sure?”

“Positive. Did the janitor tell you he kept finding blood in random places, and it would vanished when he tried to clean it?”

Dean nods, you give Sam a pointed look, and Sam sighs.

“Fine. If it’s an onryo, how are we supposed to kill it?”

You hum, tilting your head at the air. “There should be a special kind of exorcism, but I’ve never actually done one before.”

Sam frowns. “Then how do you know-“

“My dad dealt with an onryo once.” You shrug. “And I’ve read a lot about them.”

Something flashes in Sam’s eyes, he tenses in his seat, and it makes your hold on the Darkness go slack.

He doesn’t trust you. 

Maybe he can see everything that’s wrong with you. Dean may have grown blind to it, but Sam hasn’t, and he might be able to see the rotting sickness that covers your whole body. He might not want you anywhere near him, or his brother. He doesn’t seem like John—from what Dean’s told you about him, Sam doesn’t even seem to like his father all that much—but you can’t shake the wired strain that Sam Winchester just doesn’t trust you.

“Your dad.” Sam’s voice is cautious, his eyes narrowed. “The hunter.”

You’re not sure why he says hunter like that. Like it’s a bomb that’s set to go off. 

“Yeah. The hunter.” You glance at Dean, who’s rigid in his seat, glowering at Sam. “Are you guys good?”

“We’re fine.” Dean snaps, and Sam gives him an odd, tight look.

“Dean-“

“We’re good, Sammy.” Dean turns back to you, and you’re really not sure what’s happening. No guns are pressed to your brow, but there’s a heated, brittle wire hanging over all your heads, and the Darkness is starting to slip through your fingers. Not breaching out—not as you dig your nails into your skin, and bite through your cheek—but brimming right on the surface. On edge. 

Waiting for a snap.

It doesn’t come. Dean gives you a winning grin and Sam keeps frowning between you both, but nothing snaps. Not when Sam double-checks how sure you are it’s an onryo, and you say you’d bet a lot on it, because you would. Not when Dean suggests you all go figure out exactly what the onryo ritual is, and you and Sam look at him like he’s sprouted a second head. Not when Dean insists you all drive together, and you both try to protest—almost certainly for different reasons—but ultimately lose to Dean’s dramatic saving the trees and team spirit speech.

“Still no gun, Princess?” Dean hangs over your shoulder as you sort through your bag, and you shoot him a glare.

“Is the knife no longer good enough for you?”

“No.” He shrugs. “Not when you’ve been hunting alone.”

“Because you’ve been busy.” You raise your brows at him, and he sighs.

“Yeah, I know, it’s… Complex.”

Your lips twitch slightly. “Good job.”

“Shut up.” He rolls his eyes, but the air feels a little lighter, and the White is blending into the Darkness as it’s only you and Dean.

But it’s not only you and Dean. And Sam doesn’t seem to want you here. And it’s complex.

“You don’t have to explain it to me,” you mutter, tucking your knife into your jacket. “And I did my job, I’m sure you can do the rest without me.”

“Do you want us to do the rest without you?”

You turn to fully face him, and he looks guarded. Standing a little too tall, his hands seeming to be fisted in his jacket, watching you wearily. Like you might lash out, or explode.

Something’s really off with him. He hasn’t looked at you like that in years. 

He hasn’t looked at you like that since you last saw him with John.

“I don’t have anything else to do.” You mumble, watching him carefully. “And I’m already here.”

“Awesome.” Dean’s shoulders relax slightly, and he nods his head away from your car, deeper into the parking. “C’mon.”

You sigh. “I really can drive myself-“

“Nope. We’re sticking together.” His hand finds your back, and all you can do is let him moves you deeper into the parking lot. “You’ve gotta meet my car, Princess.”

“I have met your car-“

“Doesn’t count. You’re actually gonna ride in her this time.”

Dean’s grin is shit-eating. You’re not sure if you want to punch or kiss him.

“Shut up.”

“Nah.” Dean stops in the center of the lot, saying your name with a smirk. “Meet Baby.”

The Impala looks the exact same as before, save for a sour-faced, taller Sam Winchester sitting in shotgun, glaring between you and Dean. He scowls the whole time Dean guides you into the back bench, and refuses to look at you when Dean closes the door.

You clear your throat, watching Dean move around the hood of the car. “Hi, Sam.”

He grunts, and you sigh, slipping off your shoes.

“It’s good to see you.” You try again, because silence with Dean is like soft music, but silence like this is suffocating. “You look, uh-“

“Taller.” Sam grumbles, crossing his arms over his chest. “Yeah, I know-“

“I was going to say good.” You mumble, hugging your knees to your chest. “Not like a kid anymore.”

Sam’s eyes shoot to yours in the rearview mirror, you offer him a small smile, and his mouth opens right as Dean drops into the driver’s seat.

“Hey,” Dean turns in his seat, snapping your name. “No shoes on my car.”

You roll your eyes, gesturing to your feet. “I’m not wearing shoes.” 

“Oh.” He blinks between you and your socks. “Good.”

“I’m not an idiot, Winchester. And I’d rather not be murdered because I messed with the only lady in your life-“

“Shut up.” Dean rolls his eyes, turning back to start the engine, and right before he adjusts the mirror you catch Sam glancing you at again, a small frown on his face.

“You guys were gone for a while.” Sam says, mostly looking at Dean. “How long can it take to grab a gun?”

Dean scoffs. “Wouldn’t know, Sammy. Her majesty doesn’t hunt with guns.”

“Doesn’t hunt with-“ Sam blinks at you, his face painted in disbelief. “You don’t use a gun?”

You sigh. “No.”

“What do you use?”

You open your jacket to show him your knife, and Sam raises his brows.

“That’s it? I mean, how do you kill anything-“

“With talent.” Dean mutters, and you don’t appreciate how accurate his impression of you sounds. “I’d never use one anyway-“

“I wouldn’t use it. And someone,” You punch the back of Dean’s seat, and he huffs. “Has a lot of unwelcome options about that-“

“Because it’s stupid.” He grumbles, and you roll your eyes.

“You know, for someone who’s so annoyed about me not having a gun, you sure did buy me a knife.” 

You can hear the scowl in Dean’s voice. “You wouldn’t have taken the gun. You barely took the knife.“ 

“I could still throw it out-“ 

“Nope. You pinky promised.” 

You smirk as Dean sits up slightly—hearing his own words—and Sam gives him an incredulous look. 

“You pinky promised?

“It’s- She was being annoying-“

“He had to admit he was worried about me.” You tell Sam, leaning forward in your seat with a grin. “And that he thinks Charlie’s Angelsis the best movie ever made.” 

“I- I do not fucking think that-“ 

You giggle, rolling your eyes at Sam, who’s looking at you like you just fell  from space. “He’s still in denial.” 

“I am not-“ 

“It’s okay, Deano.” You pat his shoulder, and he shoots you a glare that doesn’t really reach his eyes. “We all still think you’re very tough.” 

The words leave your mouth, Dean rolls his eyes and grumbles about not even knowing why he called you, and some sort of dam seems to break in Sam. All of his cautious, pricking hostility vanishes into thin air, and he twists to fully look at you with an open expression.

In that moment, he does look more like the kid you met in the motel. Curious and not quite in awe of you, but something close. Something similar. 

“Dean said you were on at hunt before this?”

You run your thumb over your palm, tilting your head at Sam as you try to work out how much you can say. “Yeah, I was just stopping there after I finished up a Chimera hunt.”

Sam’s eyes widen. “A- Those are real?”

“Tragically, yeah.”

Dean raises his brows at you in the mirror. “Tragically?”

“They’re mean.” You shrug. “And shit a lot.”

Sam makes a face, but doesn’t turn away. “Had you hunted one before that?”

“No, I think they’re pretty rare outside of like, Greece-“

“But you killed this one, right?”

You nod, and Sam looks like he’s going to fall out of his seat. You’re not really sure what’s happening.

“How?”

“Um…” You twist a ring on your finger as your voice trails off, because you’d killed the Chimera with the Darkness. Let it rush out of your body and infect everything around you, until the Chimera exploded in a disgusting rain of blood. But you can’t really say that, so you go with how you’d planned to kill the Chimera. “I impaled it.”

“Like in the myth?”

“Exactly like in the myth.” You grin at Sam, and you’ve never seen someone so big look seven years old. “Bellerophon.”

“Bless you.” Dean mutters, and Sam gives his brother a look of exasperated disappointment. 

“No, dude, Bellerophon is the slayer of the Chimera in Greek mythology. He impales it in the mouth, using the Pegasus.”

“I don’t need to know why impaling worked-“

“Because of the angle.” You offer, ignoring Dean’s glare in the mirror. “It melts the spear with its fire-breath, and then it suffocates.”

“Yeah, that’s cool, but I still don’t-“

“What did you do with the body?” Sam interrupts, leaning forward to keep talking to you, and Dean seems to be pouting at the road.

Dean ends up pouting for most of the day, because after you lie about how you’d disposed of the Chimera—once again employing the very useful tactic of what you’d meant to do—Sam starts to ask about other things you’ve hunted, and how you’d killed them, and what you’ve learned about monsters overall. It lasts from the car and into the library, through almost the entirety of your research, and Dean barely gets a word in, only sulking over a book as Sam shares their own hunts. You decide not to comment on it when Sam says curses can’t be broken, because you’re positive that’s not true but you can’t say why, and answer all of Sam’s questions about alternative ways to deal with various spirits and monsters.

You’re shocked he remembered you telling John that.

You’re baffed as to why he’s suddenly treating you like a friend to catch up with, instead of whatever he’d thought you were before. You’re not really sure want to know what he thought of you before. Not when it’s suddenly changed to something far better.

“You’re afraid of flying?” You raise your brows at Dean, and he scowls. 

“I don’t trust it.” He mutters, turning a page so aggressively you’re worried he’ll tear it. “It’s high, and loud, and pointless. People belong on the ground.”

You hum. “What about boats?”

Dean shoots you a glare, you just grin at him, and his lips twitch slightly. You won.

“We dealt with a guy on a boat too.” Sam looks up from his own book, a slight frown on his face. “But that was kind of a bummer. Did you know spirits could possess water?”

You did know that. A powerful enough, angry enough spirit can possess most anything. But you only nod, because you’re mostly looking at Dean. Sunken into his chair, still mostly pouting, glaring at his book like it’s just insulted his car. You’ve never seen him act like this—silent, barely offering a comment or glance up at you and Sam, mostly pretending to read and fidgeting with his pen—and it makes the White spin and whine.

“Hey, De.”

You nudge his calf under the table, and he looks up at you with a frown.

“I’m hungry.”

“We passed a cafe on the way in,” Sam offers, and Dean raises his brows at you.

“You heard him.” He looks back to his book. “Go eat.”

You frown at him, even as the White bucks around inside of you. He’s not moving, or asking for food, or making fun of you for asking permission to go eat. Something’s off. Something’s been off, and you don’t know how to fix it—you don’t know how to fix anything—but you can’t stand how Dean’s silence is eating at your throat and lungs. You’re really going need to learn how to control his effect on you.

But not right now. 

“Do you want anything?”

Dean glances up at you again, something odd flashing in his eyes. “Me?”

“Yeah, you, dumbass-“

“Get me a burger.”

You give him a flat look. “It’s a cafe.”

“Whatever. Just figure something out.”

He still doesn’t move, or stop frowning. The moment you cheer him up, you’re going to kill him.

“Winchester.”

He grunts your name, and you glare at him as you continue.

“Where’s the cafe.”

“I dunno, ask Sammy.”

“Down the street.” Sam’s eyes bounce between you and Dean, a small frown on his face. “Just go straight, then to the left.”

You nod, giving Sam a thankful smile. “You want anything?”

Sam shakes his head, and you look back to Dean.

“Dean.”

That gets his full attention, and it seems to burn right into your body.

“I’m going by myself.” You rise to your feet, giving him a challenging look. “And I’m not good at directions. I might end up at the grocery store, and come back with carrots.” 

Dean narrows his eyes at you, but Sam just shrugs. 

“Actually, carrots sound-“

“C’mon, Princess.” Dean cuts off a surprised Sam with short words, pushing his chair back. “You’re paying.” 

Sam calls after you that he’ll call you if he finds anything, but you don’t really hear him. Not as Dean lowers his voice and leans down to your ear. His breath is warm. You might fall over.

“You’re really determined to get me to eat, sweetheart. Should I be worried?”

You hum. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Dean Winchester.”

He clicks his tongue, and he’s grinning again. You won. “Full name. What did I do?”

“Sulk like a baby for an hour?” You raise your brows at him, and he’s a lot closer than you thought. You can count all his freckles. They’re kind of like stars. 

You can feel his breath on your face when he laughs. It’s warm, and smells like coffee and mint.

His body is like a furnace, and it’s melting everything to silver inside of you.

You’re losing your mind. 

“I can still kick you out of this hunt, you know.” He drawls, and you shrug, trying not to think about how Dean’s hand on your back shifts with the movement.

“Good luck with that.”

“It’s my hunt-“

“It’s your and Sam’s hunt.” You correct. “I think I’d have his vote to stay.”

“You would.” Dean lets out a dry chuckle, and you don’t even realize you’d made it to the cafe until Dean’s suddenly stops walking, and you’re waiting in a short line. “Fucking nerds.”

“That’s rude.” You shove his arm, and everything feels color when he laughs, and it’s real. There’s still something tight and coiled in his eyes as you make it to the counter and order, but he’s not slumping anymore, so you’re going to push it.

You’re going to ask what the hell is happening. Why he hasn’t been hunting with you, why Sam’s back, where John is, and why he’s been so strange. You turn your drink between your hands as Dean grabs the food—frowning at his empty seat and rehearsing your question in your head—and the moment he sits down you-

“Dad’s missing.” 

You blink at him. “What?”

“Our dad.” Dean mutters, sliding your food across the table. “He’s missing. And not just one of those longer hunts, we’ve been looking for months and he’s… Just gone.”

“Shit.” You mutter, pieces sliding together in your brain as Dean’s words sink in. “Where have you checked?”

“His last case. And we got activity on his phone, but…” He trails off with a shake of his head, not fully meeting your eyes. “We can’t fucking find him, and Sammy’s- He’s not doing well.”

You nod, and wait for Dean to continue. If you say something, you might say the wrong thing, because you don’t give a fuck if John Winchester is missing or dead or just on a bender. You’re breathing a little easier just from the knowledge that you can be here, and it won’t end in a bullet through your brain.

But Dean gives a fuck about John. And you—despite your best judgement and all rational reason—give a fuck about Dean. You give a fuck that he’s been so off because his Dad’s missing, that there seems to be something a little heavier in his eyes and on his shoulders than the last time you saw him, that you can almost taste his bitter, taut worry for Sam. 

You give a fuck that he’s telling you at all. That whatever he sees when he looks at you, it’s bright enough that he’d trust you with anything at all.

So you’ll bite your tongue, and let him keep going when he’s ready.

Dean draws in another long breath. “You can’t tell Sam I told you this.” He mutters. “I- We’ve barely talked about it, and he doesn’t know you, and it’s really fucking complicated-“

“Dean.” 

His eyes meet yours, and the guarded expression is back. It’s not your job to break through it. It’s not your job to do anything for Dean, but you want to. His tension seems to be moving into your body and making your muscles and organs sore, the Darkness is twisting and coiling in your body to find something to break. Churning until you let it flood out, pushing at the White in a way that makes you feel a little sick. 

You might as well find something to break for Dean, while he’s still here. While he hasn’t left, and everything feels big in a way that’s not suffocating and crushing.

“I won’t tell Sam.” You say, holding his gaze as you lean forward, raising your pinky. “Promise.”

Dean swallows, but takes your pinky and shakes it. “His girlfriend died. The same way our mom did, too, right after we lost the trail on Dad.”

“Your mom-“

“Burned on the ceiling.” Dean mutters. “We don’t know what did it, but Dad’s been hunting the son of a bitch since it happened, and then he vanishes, and it happens again? Right fucking after? That’s-“

“Not a coincidence.” You finish—letting out a long, slow breath—and Dean nods.

“Never a coincidence.”

You hum, frowning into the air as your head starts to kick into a high gear. This is just another case. Just another problem to solve that might call to you, a piece of the Darkness you could use. You can help with this. You can fix something. Dean’s isn’t guarded anymore—only sitting a little taller than usual, watching you carefully—and he’s still here. Dean’s still here, and he trusts you, and those fractured pieces in you are starting to stretch towards each other again. Bleeding through the Darkness in vibrant color as Dean holds your gaze, and you can help. 

If Dean wants your help. If he’d want you. 

The thought makes the White flash and sing. You need to keep it together.

“Is Sam okay?” You ask, your voice soft, and Dean sighs, rubbing his face.

“He’s not sleeping well. Thinks I haven’t noticed, but we share a damn room every night.”

You nod slowly. “Are you okay?”

Dean blinks at you, a small frown on his face. “Me?”

“Yeah, who else could I be asking-“

“I-“ Dean shakes his head, tapping his knuckles on the table. “I’m fine, Princess. Dad’s gonna turn up, and he’ll have a good reason for going off. Maybe he found what killed Mom, and he’s just waiting to grab us for help. Then we’ll get back to normal.”

You narrow your eyes. You don’t believe him. He’s still off, and the weight on him suddenly seems bigger now that you know where it’s coming from. But you’ve barely opened your mouth to push him when the little cafe doorbell rings, and Sam calls your name.

“I got it!” He stops at the side of your table, looking between you and Dean with a wide grin. “It’s called a harae, ritual purification. We just need to build a shrine and learn the words.”

You take the book Sam passes into your hands, scanning over the pages as Dean gives Sam a pat on the back.

“Nice one, Sammy. Once we gank this bitch, we’ll get you nice treat as a reward for good work-“

“Fuck off, jerk.“ Sam shoves Dean’s arm away in your periphery, and Dean just laughs.

“Hey, Dean?” You look up with a frown, turning the book for him to read. 

He doesn’t. He just says your name and stares at you, and it’s not really helpful. “What’s up?”

“You guys did interviews, right?”

He nods. “I did a lot while Sam was looking at the office. Looked at all the vics and our suspects.” He frowns. “I lost rock, paper, scissors.”

Sam laugh. “Again.”

“Shut up, bitch-“

“You’re the one who lost, Dean, it’s not my fault you suck-“

“I do not suck, you just play fucking mind games-“

“Winchester. Pay attention.” You give him a stern glare and kick under the table, and he scowls at you.

“Sammy started it-“

“I don’t care.” You tap the book, pushing it closer to him. “If you did the interviews, I need you to write down a list of things people said about our onryo, and get some stuff for the shrine. It will work better if it’s in closer relation to who Maggie Robins was in life.”

“Why do I have to do it-“

“Apparently because you suck at rock, paper, scissors.” You shrug, looking up to Sam. “We can go back to the motel, learn the ritual, and hopefully kill this thing by tonight.”

It takes another five minutes to get Dean to agree, and he’s still scowling when he drops you and Sam back at the motel, but it’s not heavy anymore. He’s not silent either, grumbling the whole way about being saddled with freakin’ shopping duty, and shouting that he better not come back to find that you and Sam threw a party while he was gone. 

Then it’s just you and Sam. Alone. Speaking chopped and stilted Japanese, giving each other odd looks as you adjust to the shift.

It’s not hard to be alone with Sam. He’s nice, easy to talk to, and doesn’t seem to have nearly as much fun pushing your button as Dean does. But it’s still strange. He keeps giving you odd looks and opening his mouth with a small frown, but shaking his head and shutting it. Your brain keeps spinning around what Dean told you, and how the Darkness seems... Off with Sam. His presence doesn’t blend it into Silver like Dean’s does, and it’s not volatile like with a monster or spirit, but it’s not normal. It’s turning and humming and beating into the White, like Sam is setting it off.

And you don’t even know what it is.

You excuse yourself to the bathroom when it starts to get overwhelming. When the Darkness starts to leak and your breathing has to be shallow to control it. Sam asks if you’re alright, and you just wave him off and lock the door behind you. Sinking onto the cold floor with your fingers squeezing at your throat, trying to drag it back down by force. It’s not enough. Whatever is happening is only feeding the Darkness, and it’s not dangerous but it could be. One wrong word, one accidental push, and you’d lose control in a second. You can feel lingering warmth of the sheets on Sam and Dean’s beds, and the ache of the creaking bathroom door, and the grime of tiles, sick and itching and all over your skin-

You bite down on the back of your hand, and everything falls back into you. You’re alright. You got through it. You always get through it. You’ll get through this hunt—rising to your feet and rubbing your face, checking in the mirror that no pain is visible—and you’ll help Dean, and everything will be alright. Maybe if you figure out what killed their mom, John won’t try to kill you when they find him. Maybe they won’t find him. Maybe you’ll be safe, and Dean could stick around for you, just for you because you’d helped him, helped his brother, and done it without breaking anything or losing control. Maybe you’d be able to tell him what’s wrong with you, and you’d have been good enough—done a good enough thing—that he wouldn’t call you a monster.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine.” You give Sam a small smile, twisting a ring on your finger as you walk back to the table. “Just had some sketchy road food yesterday. Happens to the best of us.”

Sam nods, and you think he bought it. Most people usually buy it. Even Bobby isn’t great at picking up your lies, because you’re careful and deliberate and practiced, and every lie you tell is purposeful and vital. A barrier to the horrid truth of how you’re always a little cancerous. 

You’re pretty sure the only person who sees past it is Dean. And that’s just another thing you’ve given up on hating him for.

“Do you know when Dean will be back?” You ask, because you can’t help yourself. You made the critical error of thinking of him, and suddenly the White is desperate for him to be close once more, and you’re too tired to fight it. 

“I dunno, probably soon.” Sam shakes his head, giving you another odd look. “Do you guys hunt together a lot?”

You hum, pulling another book from Sam’s stack. “Usually, yeah.”

“Usually?”

“We haven’t been on a hunt since October.” You shrug, and when glance up, Sam’s still staring at you.

“Has he been… Talking to you?”

“Yeah, uh, we call about once a week.”

“Dean calls you?”

You nod, frowning slightly. “That’s what I said, yeah.”

“Huh.” Sam’s looking at you like he did in the car. Like you’re an alien, or weird plant. It’s not hateful, and it doesn’t make the Darkness riot in defense, but it’s… unnerving. “How long have you guys been talking, again?”

“Uh,” you tilt your head, your brow furrowing slightly. “A little over two years?”

Sam makes a slight face. “Cool.”

It doesn’t sound cool. It sounds like Sam’s as confused as you are, which is unfair because you don’t even know what you’re confused about. All Sam should know is that Dean left you once, years passed, and now you’re friends. 

But maybe Sam knows why Dean left you. And he could tell you, and it could either mend all those shattered pieces lining your body in a single moment, or snap you entirely. At least if it snaps you this will be over. You won’t have to deal with the circling question of does Dean feel this too. Is he looking at you like that because he feels this. Is he still here—despite you being irrevocably you all the fucking time, despite John obviously hatred of you and what you are—because he feels this too.

“Hey, Sam-“

“Something’s not making-“ Sam’s eyes widen slightly as you speak over each other, and he raises his hands in an apologetic gesture. “Sorry, you first-“

“No,” you shake your head, keeping your desperate question lodged like a stone in your throat. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s not a big thing, just that it’s kind of strange that the onryo is going after only women.” Sam frowns at his book. “Everything I’ve found says they should either kill just about anyone in their path, or just target reminders of the person who wronged them. And with the whole cheating thing I’d imagine it would be men and women, not-“

“Just women.” You reach a hand out, and Sam passes you his book. “You’re right. If you’re sure it’s Maggie-“

“We’re sure.” Sam says, leaning back in his chair. “She had her brains bashed in exactly like all the vics. And the husband, actually.”

You pause. “And the husband?”

Sam nods, grimacing slightly. “The crime scene photos were really gross.”

“And…” You glance at the case files, still scattered on the table. “How did the mistress die?”

“Gunshot. The cops worked out that Maggie got her brains bashed by Joey, Joey shot his mistress-“

“What was the mistress’s name?”

“Uh, Becca. But-“

“And she was Maggie’s best friend?”

Sam nods, his brows drawing together as he starts to play catch up. “I think so, yeah. Dean said all the families were shocked that, uh, Becca would betray Maggie like that.”

You let out a long sigh, running a hand through your hair and giving Sam a disbelieving look. “Jesus fucking Christ, men are idiots.”

“Hey-“

“I’m back!” Dean bursts through the door, several plastic bags in hand. “Got all the shit, Princess. Looks like this Maggie chick even used the same-“

You hold up a hand, and Dean falls silent. “Sam, tell Dean what you just told me.”

“Uh,” Sam glances at Dean, who’s dropped down on the edge of his bed with a frown. “Becca-“

“Who the hell is Becca-“

“The mistress, dumb dumb.” You give Dean a glare, jerking your head at Sam. “Listen.”

Dean raises his hands in surrender, and Sam keeps going.

“Becca and Maggie were best friends, and you told me all the families were shocked about what happened.”

Dean nods. “Yeah, they all kept going on about how close those chicks were. Maggie’s mom said that Becca would stay with her when the husband was out of town on business.”

You roll your eyes. “Oh my god.”

“You got something you wanna say, sweetheart?“

“Not that you’ll want to hear, Deano.” You wrinkle your nose at him, even as a little bit of guilt eats at your throat. He’s gonna be pissed. “We need to start the ritual over.”

Dean blinks at you. “What.”

“Maggie isn’t the onryo.” You sigh, leaning back in your seat. “Joey is.”

Sam’s mouth falls open. “Fuck. That- It explains the targeting.”

“Yep.” You give him a tight smile. “And people don’t just bash their own brains in. Joey probably did kill Maggie, but then Becca killed Joey before shooting herself.”

Dean shakes his head, an adorable look of confusion on his face. “Why the hell would the douchebag get offed by his own mistress-“

“Because she wasn’t his mistress.” You say, and Dean just stares at you, his lips in a small pout that you want to bite.

“Huh?”

You exchange a look with Sam—who’s very poorly covering his snicker with a hand—and look back to Dean with a sigh. “Lesbians, Winchester. The mistress was the wife’s, not the husband’s.” 

“The- oh.” Dean goes red, scratching the back of his neck and looking anywhere but you. “Awesome. Good for them.”

You shrug. “I mean, they are both dead. But yeah, awesome.”

“For them.” Sam adds, letting out a long breath. “Not us. You’re right, we’re going to have scratch everything and work out how to do the ritual for Joey.”

“Fine.” Dean groans, kicking one of his bags. “But there’s no way in hell you’re making me do all those interviews again, Princess.“

You sigh, scratching at your fingers. “Sam, if you do the interviews, I can work out the MO to see if we can lure the onyro out, and Dean can make the ritual stick.”

Sam nods, looking back to a book, and Dean gapes at you.

“Ritual what?”

“Stick.”

“It’s a shaker made of paper.” Sam explains. “For the harae. It’ll be easy, dude.”

“And.” You give Dean a pointed look. “It’s either that or the interviews.”

Dean scowls, but relents with raise of his hands, and you grin at him.

“Great. We’ll have to wait for morning to do this, so, uh…” You trail off, frowning at your car out the window. You had really thought you’d be done by midnight. You can’t afford a motel room right now, and you don’t think Sam and Dean won’t notice you sleeping in your car. Bobby’s car. One of Bobby’s junkyard cars, which was in no way suitable for sleeping in. 

Dean says your name, and you turn your head on instinct alone. “You got a room?”

“Uh, no.” You glance back to your car. You can just drive it away, to a different lot, and make do. You know how to make do. “But I’ll find one, it’s fine-“

Sam shrugs, barely looking up from his book. “Just stay here.”

Heat rushes to your face, and you freeze in your chair. “What?”

“You can bunk with us, we’ve got the space.”

You can’t look at Dean. You and Dean don’t share a room. You don’t know why he’s never offered, but you know why you haven’t, and at this point it’s an unspoken rule.

But Dean’s not shutting Sam down, and the White has started to burst and glow at the idea of it. Of being closer.

You cannot share a room with Dean. It will destroy this. It will give you the opportunity to ruin your friendship with him, give you another place to fall further into him, provide another opportunity for the White to pull you closer and closer, down, down, down into Dean. 

“No, no it’s okay, I’m sure somewhere has a room-“

Dean cuts you off, and you’re going to go insane. “You can take my bed.” 

“It’s- it’s really fine-“

“No,” He says your name casually—like your brain and heart aren’t exploding—and pushes up off his mattress. “You’re doing us a solid, we can put you up. And I’ve shared with Sam before. I can deal with his Sasquatch starfishing.”

Sam glares up from his book. “I do not starfish-“

“But you are a Sasquatch?” 

Dean smirks at Sam, Sam flips him off, and the conversation seems to be over. Sam’s still reading. Dean’s kicking the bag and grumbling about stupid rituals.

But you’re frozen.Time isn’t really flowing, and the world isn’t really moving, because you have to talk your way out of this. You have to figure out what you can say so you can leave, without Sam and Dean being gentlemen and insisting you stay, or asking questions about why you’re so frantic to be anywhere but here.

And you’re not. Every single fiber of your existence wants to stay in this room, where it’s warm and demons might not find you. Your body wants to rest in Dean’s bed, because it will probably smell like grass and spice and Dean. Your fucking tongue keeps trying to move against your will, to suggest you and Dean just share a bed. 

And you’re strong enough to hold yourself back from that, but not from the rest of it. Not from the high that rushes through you when you give in, mumble that you’ll go get your bags from the car, and Dean insists on walking with you. You can’t stop your laugh from echoing through the parking lot at his stupid jokes, or the Darkness from moving out of you in a way that’s not painful. In a way where you can feel how calm the grass is in the quickly sinking twilight, or how soothing the gentle wind is to the tree branches.

Dean guides you back inside, and you stumble. Just a normal, boring trip over your own feet that Dean saves you from, catching you with firm hands and a laugh. 

He’s real, and he’s not gone. The streetlight over his head is casting a gold glow over his skin and hair, and everything about him seems fake—still far too pretty, made of gold but warm under your touch—but he’s real.

And he smiles at you. And that light flickers.

And you’re so fucked.

——————

Dean needed to get a grip. He needed to stop being a freaking creep, and act like a normal person.

He couldn’t. And he wasn’t going to figure out how to in one night. But he needed to, because there was no goddamn way She hadn’t cast some sort of spell on him, and not a chance in hell he was going to make it through the night without acting like She wasn’t only a few quick steps away.

She couldn’t be doing this on purpose. She’d have to be a demon or something, sent to torture Dean with Her… everything. To make him sit at the table while She showered just a room over—if Sam had given him one more amused look, Dean would’ve punched his lights out—and then come out of the bathroom with steam and light surrounding Her, like a beautiful, tempting nightmare. She’d grabbed a little, colorful bag—given Dean a smile because she must hate him—and vanished back into the bathroom.

She’d come out a little while later with soft, almost glowing skin and shiny hair Dean had wanted to touch. She’d passed him on her way to bed, and smelled like sugar and fruit.

The whole room had been surrounded with that fucking fruit smell. Dean had been losing his goddamn mind. 

He’d ended up flat one his back, staring at the ceiling through most of the night, something tight and hot lodged in his throat and gut. Sammy was fine to share a bed with, but Dean wanted to be across the room.

With Her. Holding Her like they were real people, smelling her hair like a goddamn creep and talking to her in the dark. 

Dean really just wanted to be with Her in the dark. To wrap around Her and keep her against him, where She wouldn’t have one of those weird freak outs he’d slowly learned to handle, where no strange, haunting monsters would find Her and take her away.

He didn’t want Her to go away. It was getting fucking crippling, how Dean wanted Her around all the time. How he was so fucking selfish and empty that, since Jessica, he’d started to spiral into thoughts of Her finding out what a mess his life was, and leaving him alone. Of taking all Her blinding, silver light that Dean was more than happy to follow down into the dark, and turn it somewhere else. That he’d been given a chance to see the universe in brilliant eyes, and now it would be ripped away from him.

Worse, he had nightmares that She was on the ceiling. And he’d tried to dismiss them as stress—Dad was missing, Sam was on edge, and Dean was fucking exhausted, so stress seemed reasonable—but they’d persisted. Which was crazy. Jess had been Sam’s girl. He’d had her, and lost her. Mom had been Dad’s, and that was why Dad had become Dad after her death. 

Dean had never had Her. He’d held Her hand once, and kissed Her forehead twice. She wasn’t Dean’s to fear for, or protect, or imagine pressed against him in the dark. She wasn’t Dean’s to keep near him, wasn’t Dean’s to fantasize about, wasn’t Dean’s to want. To get anxious about introducing to his family, because they were all born and made in the mud and She seemed to be created from starlight. He’d never even meet Her family, because she still wouldn’t tell Dean the damn truth about them.

He still didn’t know how to be furious about that in a way that stuck. How to not care when Her eyes went glassy, when She looked small and lost. How to not feel alive when She smiled, and orbit around Her when her world was more colorful than his.

And Sam liking Her had made that worse. Made it more real. Sam liking Her meant Dean wasn’t going insane. It meant that Dad might have simply been wrong, and She wasn’t just an illusion, and that if She left it would just be because Dean wasn’t worth her time.

And She hadn’t left. He’d told Her about Dad and Jessica and Mom, and then watched her shuffle around their motel room in the morning with an adorable, sleepy face. He’d watched Her in Baby’s passenger seat—Sam taking her car for the interviews—and had to force his hand to stay on the wheel and not Her thigh. 

He was looking at Her, across the diner table and poking at Her breakfast with a fork. He wasn’t sure how She managed to look so beautiful all the goddamn time, even when her lips were still swollen from sleep and her eyes were a little glazed from exhaustion. How Her voice always sounded like a song that echoed through Dean’s body, spurring something a little to the right of his heart and making him do almost anything she asked.

Like making a that stupid stick while She wrote on a paper napkin, that adorable furrow in Her brow.

“Sam should be back soon.” She mumbled, crossing something out on Her list. “Are you almost-“

Dean placed the stick over Her napkin, grinning at Her when she looked up. “Done.”

She gave the stick a once over, sighed, and went back to Her napkin without a word.

Dean frowned, leaning over to try and read Her scrawling. “Can you read that?”

“I’m writing it.”

“That’s not an answer, sweetheart.”

She glanced up, Dean winked, and She rolled her eyes.

“Shut up.”

Dean just hummed, leaning at little further forward. “So that’s a no?”

“I’ll stab you.”

“Damn, Princess, I thought you liked me-“

He cut himself off with a grunt, and She was flushing. It was the best color Dean had ever seen.

“I can like you and stab you.” She muttered. “I’d stitch it up after.”

Dean wanted to ask how much She liked him. If She like liked him. If She breathed easier when he was there and felt peaceful when he was by her side. If his voice haunted Her dreams.

He shrugged the urge off, and pushed on.

“You stab me, I’m asking Sammy to fix it. You don’t have good bedside manner.”

“Or you’re just a terrible patient.”

Dean gasped—making his most dramatically wounded face—and when She looked back up, she giggled.

“You’re such a fucking idiot.”

He smirked, nodding in agreement, and Her words didn’t hurt him. People had called Dean an idiot before, and it had always stuck on his skin and coated over his chest. But She said it like it was endearment. As if the softer tone lining Her voice could be affection. For Dean.

She was looking back down to the napkin. Dean needed Her to look at him. To either help Her with what she was doing, or listen to her giggle again. Nothing was ever complicated when She was smiling and giggling at Dean.

“What’s it say?” Dean tried to grab the napkin, and She snatched it away with a glower.

“Hey-“

“C’mon, you’ve been losing your mind over that for like an hour, I could help-“

“So ask like a big boy, Winchester. Say please.”

Dean held Her gaze, grabbed Her wrist, and smirked as she flushed.

“Please, Princess.” He squeezed Her wrist, and he could’ve sworn She leaned into him. “Tell me what’s on your dumb napkin.”

“It’s not dumb.” She mumbled, Her voice a little breathy. It was distracting. “I’m just- I’m trying to figure out the onryo’s MO. Usually they don’t have one, but Joey seems to, and I can’t work it out.”

“What’ve you ruled out?”

“Appearance,” She frowned at Her writing. “Profession. Marital status-“

“Vics weren’t cheaters?”

She shook Her head. “Most were single. It’s just- It’s not making a lot of sense.”

Dean shrugged. He still hadn’t let go of Her wrist. His hand might be trapped there permanently. “Doesn’t matter, right? Long as we gank the fucker, we’re in the clear.��

“Yeah,” She let out a long breath, glancing up at Dean with soft eyes. “I guess. I just- It’s weird.”

“Our lives are weird, sweetheart.” He grinned at Her. “Chill out. Sammy’ll be back soon, and we’ll be done before dinner.”

She nodded, her features relaxing, and Dean felt something loosen in his stomach. He was still touching Her. He couldn’t pull away. She wasn’t even trying to move, not trying to break his gaze, and he had grabbed Her over her shirt but She’d shifted and now he could feel Her skin. It was soft. Warm. It felt so goddamn right under his palm and She wasn’t moving away-

Sam cleared his throat, standing at the side of the table, and She and Dean flew apart. He yanked his hand away—grabbing his fork and tapping it in an uneven rhythm on his plate—and She moved backwards in her seat, hiking a knee up to her chest and looking up at Sam with wide eyes. 

Dean cleared his throat. “Hey, Sammy, you’re back-“

“Yeah.” Sam was looking between them, his lips twitching. “Am I interrupting-”

“No!” Her voice was high, and frantic. Dean frowned. He would’ve said no too, but She didn’t need to say it like that. “We’re just, um, talking about the case. Did you get what we needed?”

Sam nodded, pulling out a folded paper from his pocket and passing it into Her hands. “That should be enough, right?”

“Uh… Yeah.” She scanned over the list, and Dean didn’t miss Sam’s grin at Her approval. “I’ll head out now to set up?”

He wanted to protest. To tell Her to just stay and eat with them. She’d barely touched her plate, and something in his stomach kept gnawing at the idea of Her going off alone. She might hunt alone all the time, and Dean might know she had her knife, know that he’d be right behind Her, but he still didn’t want to Her to just go alone. He had twisting feeling over his heart at the idea of Her going alone-

“Sure.” Sam passed Her the keys to her car, stepping out of the way so she could exit the booth. “Call if you need anything, and we’ll meet you there in an hour.”

She hummed in agreement, giving them both soft smiles, and Dean was rooted in his seat. He should follow Her, or insist she stayed, and she’d get all fucking pissy about him not thinking she could handle this alone, but he still rather get yelled at then watch Her walk away. She was walking away. Dean needed to shout after Her and-

“She walks fast.” Sam said, dropping in Her now empty seat, and Dean blinked.

“Huh?”

Sam said Her name, settling in his seat. “She walks-“

“I heard you.” Dean snapped, looking out the window to watch Her move through the parking lot. She did walk fast. He’d never really noticed it before, because She always walked just a pace ahead of him, matching his speed perfectly. But alone, She did seem to walk faster. With purpose.

Towards Her car. Away from Dean. He could still run and grab Her. Convince her to come back to the booth-

“Does Dad know you were hunting with her?”

Dean turned back to Sam with a frown. “What.”

“Dad,” Sam leaned back, giving Dean a pointed look. “I remember what he said about her, Dean. Shit, dude, he hated her, even before he dug that stuff up-“

“Dad didn’t hate her.” Dean muttered. “He was just looking out for us.”

“He was being paranoid. And, just for the record, that woman,” Sam pointed out the window, and Dean realized She was gone. Fuck. “Doesn’t really seem like a spoiled, bratty con-artist.”

Dean scowled. He fucking knew that. And Sam needed to stop saying it, because it made Her more real. Made Her more possible, made Dean crash further up into Her. Fed the idea that he could, maybe, touch Her and not get burned.

“Dad doesn’t know, does he.” Sam crossed his arms, raising his brows. “You lied to him.”

“I didn’t-“

“You did. There’s not a chance he would’ve let you just go off hunting with anyone, let alone her.” Sam grinned at him, and Dean didn’t appreciate the glee on his face. “You were fucking lying to Dad.”

Dean braced his arms on the table, lowering his voice to a hiss. “I’m serious, Sam. Drop it.”

Sam did not drop it. He might be trying to get punched. “No, Dean. You’ve been lying to Dad. You never lie to Dad about anything.”

“Sam-“

“I mean, you’ve lied for me. But c’mon dude.” Sam let out a dry laugh, shaking his head. “Even you have to stop and think about why you don’t want Dad knowing about her. I mean, she’s nothing like what he said, but Dad’s Dad.”

“What the hell it that supposed to mean?“

“It means he’s not going to like that he was wrong. That she’s cool.” Sam shrugged. “I like her. The only thing I’d worry about is the, uh…”

He trailed off, and Dean frowned. 

“Worry about what?”

“I don’t know.” Sam’s brow furrowed slightly. “I mean, I don’t know what they are. Panic attacks?”

Dean shook his head, his brow drawn in confusion, and Sam gave him an odd look.

“C’mon, dude, there’s no way you haven’t noticed. I mean, you helped her, when she got here. When you did the, uh,” Sam reached up to his face, running his finger over his nose. “That.”

“Oh, yeah, that always calms her down-“

“But what is that?”

“I don’t know.” Dean muttered. “Probably just some girl shit-“

Sam scoffed. “That is not a girl thing. That’s like… an episode or something. Have you asked her?”

“No. And you,” Dean point to Sam with a glower. “Better not say shit.”

He didn’t need to give Her a reason to leave. A reason to think he didn’t want Her around. Those moments were strange—and had been happening more and more frequently—but Dean had dealt with stranger, and he knew how to handle it now. 

And Sam paused, tilting his head. 

“Holy shit, dude.” His face split into a shit-eating grin. “You really like her.”

“What?! No- I- Why the-” Dean narrowed his eyes. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about-“

“Yeah, I do. I know you, Dean. You don’t want to make her upset, you have a crush-“

Dean slammed his fist on the table, leaning forward with a glower. “Watch it, I’ll kick your fucking ass-“

Sam just shrugged, a shit eating grin on his face. “Whatever. Won’t make you not have a crush on her.”

“I do not have a fucking crush. She’s my friend-“

Sam laughed again, this one louder. “Sure, dude. You looked like you were gonna cry when she walked away. I bet you wanna go after her-“

“Because she doesn’t need to do this alone! We hunt together, that’s the point of partners-“

“Partners?” Sam raised his brows. “Do you not hear yourself? You’re so worried about her-“

“Sam, I swear to fucking god-“

“Fine, man.” Sam raised his hands in surrender, still smirking. “Chill out.”

“I am fucking chill.” Dean grumbled, glancing at Her abandoned plate. “If you’re not eating that, we can go now-“

“No, I’ll eat it. And she’ll be fine, Dean. There was a lot of overlap on this list from the Maggie one, she just needs to find a really specific kind of beer. I mean, you got the perfume, right?”

Dean frowned. “Perfume?”

“Yeah.” Sam nodded, poking at the plate with his fork. “That bottle in his office, same kind you bought for the first ritual.”

Dean sat up in the booth, a creeping, almost painful chill shooting up his spine and through his blood. “Yellow bottle?”

“Uh huh-“

“French name?” 

“Yeah, dude, I just said it was the same-“

Pieces fell into place in Dean’s head, and he felt sick. He’d fucking seen the bottle in Joey’s office, and remembered it because of Her. Then he’d forgotten until last night, and She’d cut him off before he’d had a chance to tell Her, when he’d gotten back. If he had told Her, she would’ve put it together faster. She would’ve seen the overlap on the lists, pointed out that it was strange to keep perfume in your office if you weren’t actually having an affair. 

If you were confronting your wife about her affair.

Dean shot out of his seat. “We need to go, now.”

“Woah, slow down, we still need to pay-“

“No, fuck, it’s-“ Dean ran a hand over his face, snapping Her name. “She uses that perfume.”

“So?”

“So, if you were a woman trying to cover your affair with your girl best-friend, how would you do it?”

Sam looked at him like he was insane. “I don’t know, man, that’s not a situation I’ve thought about once-“

“Would you make your girlfriend use the same perfume you use? Would you buy it for her?”

“Dean, I don’t know-“

“It’s the perfume, Sam!” Dean was shouting. He didn’t care. “We didn’t think about it! We thought it was the wife who got slighted, but it’s the fucking dude, and all the vics had that goddamn perfume! And-“

“The wife and mistress were using it.” Sam’s eyes widened, and his words far too slow when they had to go. “To hide their affair. And if the husband put that together, he’d… and…” Sam said Her name, and Dean felt his lungs tighten. “She uses…  Fuck.”

It was good Sam got up when he did, or Dean would’ve started to drag him out of the diner. The waitress shouted after them to pay, but he didn’t hear. There was red lining his vision and blood in his ears because he had been an idiot. They never would’ve gotten what the spirit was without Her, they never would’ve gone after the right douchebag without Her, and if Dean hadn’t managed to catch it, She would’ve paid the price for helping him. For Dean being unobservant asshole.

She still might pay the price. They hadn’t saved Her yet. Dean was violating traffic laws and testing Baby’s bounds, but She was in fucking danger and nothing else mattered.

“So,” Sam cleared his throat. “How do you know it’s her perfume?”

“Shut it, or I’ll fucking shoot you-“

“No, dude, I swear I’m not teasing. I just want to be sure-“

“I’m positive.” Dean grunted, not bothering to look over and see if his brother was listening. “And you better be ready to exorcise this son of a bitch-“

“I got the Japanese down last night. And I’m sure she’s fine, Dean-“

“Shut up.”

Sam raised his hands, and made the smart choice to close his fucking trap and let Dean focus. 

He didn’t bother with proper parking, stopping right on the curb outside the office and sprinting inside. The building was cold. Too cold. Fucking freezing the closer they got to the office, lights flickering in the hallways and all of Dean’s attention narrowed to listen for screams or bangs or cries for help-

The door to the office was locked. He pounded on it—shouting Her name and making the walls shake slightly—but there was no noise from the other side. The overhead lights sparked and flickered, wind seemed to rush through the half-empty hallway, and Dean took several steps back. This building was probably insured, and he needed to get in that fucking room.

Dean cracked his neck, braced his body, and threw himself forward.  

The room was pitch black when he crashed into it—one the overhead lamps hanging from the ceiling and light flooding in from the hallway—and She was sitting in the corner. Her back was pressed to the wall, Her hand around her throat, and Her eyes glassy as they found Dean’s.

He shouted Her name, dropping to his knees at Her side. “Fuck, are you-“

She shook Her head, pushing at his chest. “Dean, go, you need to go-“

“Are you goddamn crazy, there’s no way I’m leaving-“

“No, I’ve- I’ve got it, please-“

Sam finally caught up, the paper shaker in one hand and a gun in the other. “Shit, where’s the-“

“Don’t know. Get ready.” Dean never looked away from Her bloodless face, keeping it cradled in one hand. “C’mon, Princess, you a target, we’re going-“

“No!” She screamed, and Dean didn’t have time to feel something snap in his chest before She was kicking him away.

Before a large, white-clad and blood covered figure appeared right where he’d been before. Reaching down for Her as she curled further down into herself, not even trying to goddamn defend herself.

Dean was certain his heart stopped. That it exploded through his body in a firework of blood and feral, uncontrollable fear. And there was something else, too. Rioting in his chest, burning and golden and bellowing for Her. To save Her. To pull Her from danger, from the pain, from the dark-

He could only see red, only hear his own roar of Her name as the onryo grabbed Her head, slammed it into the wall, and She didn’t fight back.

Dean tackled the onryo. Wrapped his arms around its throat and yanked it away from Her slightly slumping body on the floor. Slammed his knees into its back and crashed them both against the desk, raising his fist to pummel it fucking bloody and uglier-

It threw Dean off with a guttural, ear-bleeding roar, and Dean felt pain pound over his back as he slammed into the wall. He was vaguely aware of Sam beginning the ritual, but he didn’t care. 

The onryo was heading back for Her. And Sam had realized and was running forward, but he wouldn’t be strong enough if Dean wasn’t, and She wasn’t fighting back.

All the lights in the hallway sparked and flickered, and Dean saw a flash of silver in the dark. He could hear low chanting and muttering in a soft, musical voice, and his head was spinning but he could swear She was moving.

The onryo screamed, and a blinding pillar flame burst through the room. Dean couldn’t think outside of fire. Licking at the ceiling and walls, and he couldn’t see Her anywhere at all-

It was gone in a second, and the room when dark once more. 

A small, weak noise came from the corner of the room, and when Dean’s eyes readjusted, he could see Her in the dark. He didn’t need to think to move to Her.

He just did. 

Holding Her face with his gentlest touch, angling it carefully to check for blood or bruising, muttering Her name until she made another soft sound and he knew she was conscious. He let Her slump forwards into him as Her eyes fluttered, and her breathing eased.

She’d be fine. Dean could see a cut on Her brow, a bite mark on her hand, and a gash on Her shoulder, but he’d stitched up worse for Dad. Her eyes weren’t staying open for more than a second, and her heart was racing when he checked Her pulse on her neck, but her gasps weren’t choked or stuttered so she’d be fine.

“Dean.” Sam muttered from behind them, his voice soft. “Is she-“

“She’s fine.” He grunted, wrapping his arm around her waist to hold Her steady as he moved to his feet. “Hold on,” he whispered Her name in her ear, and she listened, her arms looping around Dean’s neck. 

It was relieving and worrying all at once. She felt fragile again. 

Dean didn’t know if he could live with himself if he broke Her.

“Sam,” Dean didn’t take his eyes off of Her as he spoke, because looking at Her seemed to make just a little bit of the panic fogging his brain clear. He could see Her chest rise and fall. She’d be okay. “I know we still gotta check-“

Sam understood immediately. He usually did. “I can do it. Take her, I’ll meet you back at the motel.”

Dean nodded in silent thanks and—after carefully grabbing Her keys out of her pocket and throwing them to Sam—carried Her in his arms out of the office and into Baby. 

He drove slowly, his grip on the wheel white knuckled as She made soft sounds of pain at his side. Dean had brought Her here. He’d put Her in danger, just because he had missed Her, missed moving in her orbit. She was hurt because he’d been an idiot and brought Her into harm’s way. He’d triggered one of Her episodes because he hadn’t done his job and protected her, and She’d still ended up doing the ritual herself because he was fucking horrible at his job. He’d been lost in his head, just like Dad always told him not to be, and now She was in pain. She’d be okay, safe in a fancy home in some mystery town, if Dean just hadn’t called Her.

And he was a selfish, lonely piece of shit.

And he didn’t want Her to go.

She let him move Her from the Impala to the motel room, leaning into his side and walking in uneven, unsteady steps. At least She was walking. At least when Dean set Her down on his bed, she was able to pull off her own jacket and remove Her own shoes. Her eyes were slightly unfocused, and there was swelling on Her cheekbone where the onryo had grabbed her, but at least She was sitting upright, watching Dean grab their med kit. 

She was a statue, but at least She was here. With Dean. 

Where he could hear Her low, strained noises when he touched her gash, and he could rip his head apart with guilt. 

He’d fucking let that happen to Her. She wasn’t speaking, and Dean couldn’t tell if she was angry, but she should be. Because Dean had failed. 

Dad wouldn’t have failed. Dad would kill Dean if he found out he’d dragged Her into their family business, and she got hurt. He’d yell at Dean for letting Her everything distract him, because she wasn’t a real hunter, she was just a girl.

That’s what Dad had always called Her, when Dean managed to bring Her up. When he’d been testing the waters about telling Dad about Her, and always decided against it because Dad said She was just a lying, spoiled little girl, who didn’t give a damn about Dean.

But She’d killed the onryo. And She’d left him with the Poltergeist, but She’d chosen him with the Demon. When he’d only had Her, even if the worst of his injuries had been a mild concussion. 

Sammy liked Her. She liked Sammy. 

And when Dean glanced back up at Her beautiful face—cast like artwork in the shadows and cool lights of the motel—She was watching him the same way She always did. A little hazier, Her face more open and gentle than usual, but still the same.

Like Dean might be something. Anything at all.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered, and Dean’s hands stilled.

“What.”

“I’m sorry.” She repeated it, and Dean felt sick. He might break his jaw. “I didn’t mean to. Please, I’m really- I didn’t mean to do that-“

Dean looked up at Her. Her eyes were glossy, Her features bloodless, and her every word choked as Her body curled into herself. Like She was trying to make herself small. Like She was trying to hide.

“I’m so sorry.” She whispered again, and Dean glanced down to Her hands in her lap. 

Raw and bloody, lined with marks where She’d begun to scratch.

He grabbed them without a word, moving them apart to rest on the mattress. She made a weak, strangled noise, and Dean could feel it in the goddamn cavity of his chest. Echoing around and burning a hole in his body that was shaped like Her.

“I’m sorry-“

“Why.” He muttered, refocusing his attention onto the gash. “You didn’t fuck anything up. You ganked the son of a bitch, and Sammy’s finishing the ritual for you. We’re fine.”

“The ritual?”

Dean nodded, glancing up at Her. The little furrow was back in Her brow, and she was breathing so fucking fast-

His thumb moved up before he could think about it. Running a soft line down the bridge of Her nose until she let out a long, slow breath, and the sound washed over Dean like rain. 

She’d be okay. Her eyes were still clouded, and She still looked far too small, but Dean would patch Her up and She’d be okay.

He rose without a word when he finished the stitches, muttering an order for Her to stay there, and moves to the kitchenette before he can think better of it. Opened the cabinet and started heating some water, just because he had to do something. If Dean was something, She was more, and he had just fucking do this. A silent apology.

A plea to not leave. To stay with Dean, because he was the fucking worst, but he’d never let that shit happen again. 

She’d moved to the headboard, Her legs curled under her body as she rested against the headboard. And She was still watching him. He wanted to brush the sweaty hair from Her face, and kiss the bruise on Her head, and pull her into a long hug to swear that would never goddamn happen again. 

He wouldn’t. He couldn’t. He didn’t even know how to grab Her face between his hands and tell Her he was sorry. That he’d felt like was suffocating when She’d gotten hurt, that he felt like the lungs and heart—and something else he didn’t even have a word for—were being crush and shredded apart all at once when She’d screamed. 

But he could do this. Dean could walk mix in the cocoa powder, grab one of Sam’s stupid thermoses, and pass the hot chocolate into Her shaking hands. 

He just looked at Her for a long moment. Gorgeous in an almost indescribable way, right before him where he could touch Her if he tried.

He didn't know where to start touching Her. How to start caring about Her the way something like Her—breakable and furious and brutal, brighter than anything Dean had even seen before, would ever see again— would deserve to be cared about. But he had to try. He had to keep Her close, where he could always make sure She’d be okay.

“How’d you know to come?” Her voice was still a breath, but it sounded more like Her, and Dean could take that.

He shrugged. “Got a gut feeling.”

“A gut feeling?”

“Yeah.” Dean gave Her a small smirk, dropping onto the edge of the bed. “Tells you what’s wrong and right, when something’s going bad-“

She whacked his arm, and it was weaker than usual, but still Her. She looked more and more like Her by the moment. “Shut up.”

“Bossy.”

She wrinkled Her nose at him, glowering over the thermos as She drank.

He chuckled. “You know, I mean that as a compliment-“

“Don’t tell me what I know, Winchester.”

The laugh that left Dean was loud, and real, and made Her smile. And he felt alive. Right now, Dean was alive at Her side, golden under Her attention, and more relaxed in the dark than he’d been in days.

“Yes, ma’am.” He drawled, and She rolled her eyes.

When She moved the thermos away from Her mouth, there was a little line of milk above Her lips, and Dean grinned. 

“Nice mustache, Princess.”

She blinked at him. “What?”

“Your- here.” Dean reached forward before he could think better, and wiped it with his thumb.

He froze in place the moment he drew away. He’d touched Her. And She’d been warm and soft and real. His thumb had brushed over Her upper lip for only a second, so now the feeling of it might be branded on his skin. And when he looked back to Her, she was flushed. With the hitched breath. The parted mouth.

He wanted more. He wanted Her. He didn’t ever want Her to go.

“Uh, where are you going?” He cleared, trying to make his voice as casual as possible. He could do this. “Once we wrap up the loose ends here?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugged, settling back into the mattress. “Probably home.”

“Which is where?”

She gave him a small smile, taking a long sip of the coco without an answer.

“Never gonna tell me, huh?”

She shrugged. “Maybe next time, if you make me more of this.”

She tapped the thermos, and Dean felt his own mouth twitch.

“I think that’s bribery, Princess.”

“Maybe.” She hummed, raising Her brows at him. “Are we above bribery?”

Dean chuckled. “Guess not. And, uh,” he took a long breath, scratching the back of his neck. “Would you need it to be next time?”

She frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, what if there wasn’t a next time?”

Something flared on Her face, she leaned slightly away, and Dean’s throat tightened. Not like that. Not at all like that.

“Oh.” She mumbled, and the words began to fall out of Dean like vomit.

“No, I’m not saying that. Opposite of that. I mean, I told you everything, and Sammy likes you, and we’re a good team, Sweetheart, so if you want to, I’m sure Sam wouldn’t be pissed. He’d be for it. He said you were cool, and three is ever safer than two. So, uh, yeah.”

She only blinked. “What?”

Dean felt his face heat. He hadn’t actually said the thing. “Stay.”

“Stay?”

“With me. And Sammy. Just to help us find Dad, then Sammy’ll probably go back to a normal, boring life, and you can do what you do. Just, uh, you can stick around after the hunt. If you want.”

“Stay with you, to find…“ She trailed off, and Dean couldn’t read that expression. He couldn’t fucking think, not outside of Her eyes on his, and the smell fruit dragging him into a pure sense of Her.

“Our Dad.” Dean finished Her sentence, and her throat bobbed. 

She let out a slow breath, hugging Her own body and ducking Her head, and Dean felt his chest go numb before she even spoke.

“I can’t.” She mumbled, rubbing that scarred palm over her calf. “I’m really sorry, Dean. Just, my dad-“

“Don’t. It’s fine.” He rubbed his own brow, his gaze fixed on Her hand. Close enough to touch.

But not really close at all.

“Dean-“

“I’m serious. It was just an offer.”

“But-“

He snapped Her name, and it was harsher than he meant it, but something also felt like it was peeling along his ribs. She didn’t want him. Nobody would want him. He’d gotten Her hurt, and he had no good reason to think She’d stick around for him. She didn’t feel this, it was all only Dean losing his mind and falling to his knees for a woman that he could never have. She sounded wounded and desperate, but She wasn’t his to wound, and She’d told him she didn’t want to stay. That She wanted to go back home. Somewhere of the mud, somewhere Dean wasn’t good enough to follow her to.

“I’m-“

“Don’t apologize.” He muttered. She needed to rest, and Dean didn’t need Her sorrys. He didn’t really deserve them. “Go to sleep, Princess. I’ll see you in the morning.”

She took a long breath. “Dean?”

He grunted, unable to look Her in the eyes, and She sighed.

“I know I, you-“ She cut herself off with a swallow, her voice growing softer by the second. “But can you, um, can you please- I don’t want to- Could you please sit?”

Dean frowned at the floor. “What.”

“With me. Sit with me. Until I fall asleep.” She whispered. “You can go after, if you do, but… Please.”

Her voice was so goddamn light, so dream-like, and Dean didn’t think he’d ever learn to not bend for it. Not when his eyes dragged back to Her’s, and they were calling him further down. Drawing him closer with only Her. Still just Her, at Dean’s side, in the whole universe of a motel room.

And She wanted him for this. Only this. 

But at least it was something.

He nodded, and forced himself to ignore the spark up his spine when a She mumbled a thanks, and closed her eyes with a soft breath.

She was passed out in only a few minutes, and Dean stayed at Her side. Just a nod felt like it was an oath, when it was for Her. So Dean sat at Her side, and watched her sleep like that same creep he’d been the night before.

He didn’t really notice Sam returning. He couldn’t look anywhere but Her. Slack faced and breathing slow, drooling onto the pillow in a way Dean wanted to wipe from her chin, hair in her face he wanted to brush away, lips parted that he always wanted to touch. 

Beautiful. Not his to have. 

But She’d be here until morning. And She’d asked him to stay with Her, so he’d sit in the dark for Her and practice how he’d let Her go when she walked away. Remind himself that it was for the better She wouldn’t stay. She wouldn’t get hurt. And he would see Her again.

Maybe, while she was hunting without him, She’d find someone who actually kept her safe. Who did what Dean wasn’t good enough to do, and didn’t just watch Her in the dark. They’d hold Her in the dark. They’d be Her dark, just like Dean irrationally craved, but deserving. Worthy of a star falling into their hands, worthy of holding it with them all the time. 

Dean felt sick. Her hand was splayed across the mattress. 

He let himself hold it. If this was the only chance he had, and She didn’t flinch away when he twined his fingers with Her’s, he’d hold Her hand.

He’d take tonight. 

And he’d learn how get a grip in the morning. 

End Note: Diversity win! These Lesbians were part of a triple murder suicide!

Thank you so so so much for reading!! If you like this story, please reblog, share, or leave a comment! <3

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[roman-roy-apologist]

If i had a nickel for every time i got unhealthily emotionally attached to hyper rich, capitalist, middle aged, man, who masks his emotions by manipulating others, had to beg someone not to take (one of) the only thing he cares about away, and has an eating disorder, an abusive father and a shitty brother, i’d have 2 nickels, which isn’t a lot but it’s pretty weird that it happened twice.

[adrienneleclerc]

Do you think you can do a Lewis Hamilton imagine

When Y/N is at a New Year's party because her friend dragged her along and she just got out of a really long relationship and Lewis is also there and he sees her across the room all sad and alone so he walks up behind her and grabs her shoulders turn her around and kisses her and walks away without saying nothing and she doesn't know Lewis is a driver and Lewis doesn't know that she's a famous photographer and they meet maybe a few years later or later month whatever you want to do and F1 gives her a job to be a photographer for them

Oh and I want a cute fluffy ending if you can do that thank you so much xoxo

Oh and can you make Y/N Mexican

As a Mexican myself, a Mexican Y/N should be easy to write, sorry it took me so long to write this. My wifi went out when I tried to save this. I don’t know if this is what you had in mind but I hope you like it!

Once Upon a Kiss

Pairing: Lewis Hamilton x Mexican!Reader

Summary: Famous photographer, Y/N L/N, and Formula 1 driver, Lewis Hamilton, kiss at a New Year’s Eve party without knowing anything about the other. Their paths cross once again when Y/N is hired as Ferrari’s new photographer.

Warning: spelling and grammatical errors

A/N: MY FIRST LEWIS HAMILTON FANFIC TO CELEBRATE HIS HOME RACE WIN!!! Also I do mention a stereotype where Puerto Rican men are trash

Y/N was in her apartment watching her favorite movie and eating ice cream in a Stitch onesie. She then heard the door open, her friend Ofelia entered the apartment with takeout.

“No, no, uh uh, there’s no way in hell you’re eating ice cream right now, I got us Chinese food.” Ofelia said.

“Great, put it on the counter,” Y/N mumbled.

“Why are you in a stitch onesie? It’s only 8pm.” Ofelia said.

“Because I wanted to. Did you get the chicken wings and pork fried rice plus my chicken broccoli and white rice?” Y/N asked.

“Yes, why do you need 2 orders?” Ofelia asked.

“One for today, the other for tomorrow, obviously.” Y/N said.

“Anyway, we have a party later tonight.” Ofelia said.

“What do you mean ‘we’?” Y/N asked pointing between them.

“You and me, we’re getting super dressed up and going to a rooftop party.” Ofelia said.

“Who’s hosting?” Y/N asked.

“I Don’t know, a friend of a friend of a friend.” Ofelia said,

“We’re going to a rooftop party in New York City in the middle of winter?” Y/N asked.

“They have those heating lamp thingies. Come on, it’ll be fun, take your mind off of Derek.” Ofelia said.

“Don’t mention Derek.” Y/N groaned, opening up her takeout container to start eating.

“You see, I haven’t to mention it because you can’t stop thinking about him.” Ofelia said.

“De que hablas? I haven’t thought about ese cabrón mal parido in a minute.” Y/N said. Ofelia silently counted down from 3. “The audacity ese hijo de su madre had to cheat on me.”

“I mean what did you expect, Y/N, he’s Puerto Rican.” Ofelia said.

“But we’ve been together for 8 years, I just don't undertsand what i did wrong." Y/N said.

“No, no, no, no, you did absolutely nothing wrong, guys like him only cvare about getting their dick wet, thats it. Anyway, eat and then get dressed. Actually shower first, outfit, hair, makeup, that party is gonna be amazing! Apparently the guy who’s hosting lives in a penthouse.” Ofelia said.

"Sounds fun." Y/N said.

"I've also been sending your portfolio to my bosses..." Ofelia started

"Lia, don't. I told you i was going to look for photography work myself." Y/N said.

"But everyone is DYING to work with you, imagine taking photos for Elle, Cosmo, Vanity Fair, they love your work." Ofelia said.

"What if I want to work somewhere else, outside of New York?" Y/N asked.

"I can live with that, just please don't go to Jersey." Ofelia said (sorry if you live in New Jersey, its just a very New York thing to shit on Jersey)

"Deal." Y/N said.

Hours later, Y/N was showered, hair was done, makeup was perfect, and the outfit was giving 90s supermodel, SHE was givng 90's supermodel. Ofelia was sitting on the couch when Y/N came out.

“Aahh, you look AMAZING, okay, lets go, I have the invitation and I’m so happy his building has parking.” Ofelia said.

Girls showed ID and invitation to the doorman and bouncer when entering the building and accessing the rooftop.

“Wow, this party looks lit.” Ofelia said.

“Yeah, it does. I wonder how they got the heat lamps up here.” Y/N said. Ofelia was looking around until she saw her friend.

“Oh my god, hey! I saw my friend from work, I’ll see you later, okay.” Ofelia said walking away

“You can’t just leave me here!” Y/N tried shouting but Ofelia wasn’t within hearing range. “Great.” While Y/N was just observing the party, keeping to herself, Lewis Hamilton was by the DJ booth, hyping up the party.

“Make some noise, NYC!” Lewis said and everyone cheered, but he saw a woman by herself who didn’t cheer at all. He thought she looked quite beautiful, even under the low light. “Hey man, I’ll be right back.”

“Alright, I’m gonna start the countdown in a few.” His DJ friend said. Lewis nodded, dapping up the DJ before getting down from the stand to look for the woman he spotted. It took a while for Lewis to find her since she was moving too, looking for her friend, but she eventually stopped at the table where there were chips and drinks. The DJ started counting down to midnight, Lewis was standing near Y/N but didn’t make a move.

“Happy New Year!” Everyone shouted, Lewis turned Y/N and kissed her, walking away after they pulled away. Y/N stared at him when we walked away, he looked so familiar. Y/N felt someone else grab her shoulders.

“Y/N, you got a New Years kiss, from who?” Ofelia asked.

“I have no idea, but he was a good kisser, I’ll tell you that much.” Y/N said,

6 weeks later, Y/N was on her computer reviewing her emails and she screamed. Ofelia came running out with a baseball bat.

“What happened? Is it the rat again?” Ofelia asked

“What? No, I got an email from Scuderia Ferrari.” Y/N said.

“The Formula 1 team? You don’t even watch the sport, why the hell did you apply?” Ofelia asked.

“Well i have always wanted to travel, apparently F1 drivers travel ALL THE TIME, this is in Maranello, Italy, I always wanted to go…” Y/N said,

“You don’t speak Italian.” Ofelia said,

“I’m learning, chingada madre, will you let me finish?” Y/N asked. Ofelia nodded her head. “Anyway, Scuderia Ferrari are looking for a new photographer, I’ve seen the posts they made on Instagram, my photography style is very similar, I’m sure the person in charge wouldn’t want the Instagram page to lose the ‘essence’ of Ferrari so looks like I’m their new photographer. Ah, I am so excited! I start in a few weeks, they have emailed me my plane ticket for the following week, even temporary housing until I can get a proper place and a company car (unrealistic but it seems nice).”

“Wow, the people at Ferrari are very generous. I’ll help you pack.” Ofelia said.

2 weeks later, Y/N arrived at the Italian airport, was greeted by a Ferrari employee, and was taken to her furnished apartment. Y/N called Ofelia and showed her the view and everything. Y/N hung up, got her camera, and walked outside her apartment for a little while to take pictures of everything until she got a call from her boss.

“Hey Mr. Vasseur, how are you?” Y/N asked.

“I’m doing well, have you settled in?” Fred asked.

“I have, thank you for asking. To what do I owe your call?” Y/N asked.

“My drivers landed in Maranello today, do you think you can come to headquarters tomorrow?” Fred asked.

“Yeah, you bet, see you then.” Y/N said.

The next day, Y/N was entering the Scuderia Ferrari Base in jeans, white button up blouse, sneakers, and a Ferrari cap because of the sun. She was greeted by Fred.

“Y/N, so nice to meet you in person, how was the drive?” Fred asked.

“Very good, thank you so much for the car. What am I supposed to take pictures of?” Y/N asked.

“Well Hamilton and Leclerc are training on the sim because we have the Australian Grand Prix in 2 weeks. Come, I’ll introduce you to them.” Fred said, leading Y/N to the training room where they have the racing simulator.

“Ha, I beat your time!” Lewis said.

“Yeah, it won’t happen again, mate.” Charles said. Fred then cleared his throat, causing the drivers to stand up.

“Gentleman, this is…” Fred started

“No way, you’re Y/N L/N, I bought some of your photos from a New York gallery, you’re very talented.” Charles said, shaking her hand.

“Oh thank you so much, I was wondering who paid so much money for my photos.” Y/N chuckled, she turned to look at Lewis, they stared at each other until Y/N held out her hand for Lewis to take it. “Okay so do whatever it is that you were doing to I can take some photos. So go on the simulator, talk, do whatever.”

“What kind of photographer are you?” Lewis asked.

“Well, i Don’t specialize in anything if that’s what you’re asking. I have taken landscape photos, I’ve been a photographer on a vogue photo shoot, taken runway photos, even photos of animals. So I’m an…everything photographer.” Y/N said. “Again, do whatever is natural, im sure your fans will love to see you guys bonding now that you’re teammates.”

Y/N took photos of them talking, being on the sim, even some of them just walking around the Ferrari base.

“Okay so I think I got some pretty good shots, you can check it out before I show Fred.” Y/N said. She connected her camera to her laptop so the drivers could see the photos better.

“These are really good, Charles was right, you’re very talented.” Lewis said.

“Why thank you. What about you, charles? Are my photos to your liking?” Y/N asked.

“Yes they are, I never doubted it.” Charles said. Charles left Lewis and Y/N alone so he could change out of his Ferrari clothes.

“You recognize me, don’t you?” Lewis asked.

“How could I forget the man who gave me a new years kiss. I thought I’d never see you again, kinda made it up in my head that you were a secret agent or something.” Y/N said, Lewis laughed.

“Sadly no, I’m just a formula 1 driver. I’m surprised you didn’t know who I was at the party since it was my party.” Lewis said.

“You were the host my friend was talking about! The one with the penthouse, no fucking way. Also, Mr. Billion Dollar Man, you didn’t recognize me either, you were the one who kissed me, meaning you spotted me first, prior to our kiss, and charles knew who I was right away.” Y/N said,

“True. But why were you by yourself? You looked sad, did something happen?” Lewis asked.

“Well my boyfriend of 8 years cheated on me, my friend dragged me to a party and then went off to see the friend who invited her, so yeah, that’s what happened.” Y/N said.

“Who could possibly cheat on you? You seem so sweet” Lewis said.

“Thank you, but you Don’t know me.” Y/N said.

“How about we change that. You want to go out for lunch?” Lewis asked.

“I would love to.” Y/N said.

The End

Hope y’all liked it!

[racheyace]

Do you possibly have a list of the G/t movies and/or shows? I've been looking for stuff to watch and would love to know what good stuff you've come across!

Okay so I've compiled a list from my poster and from more that have popped into my head as I wrote them down, fairly sure there's even more, but these are the ones I know well, if you know of any more please comment, I'd love to add to the list, there's actually so much out there when you really think about it!

Anyway enjoy and I hope I've listed at least some that you haven't seen before

Gt in media list:

Percey Jackson and the Lightning Theif (Literally a 3 minute scene toward the end of the movie but a great scene!)

Gulliver’s Travels (2011 Jack Black)

Gulliver’s Travels (1996 film)

Black Adam (The Atom smasher is a size shifter kinda like ant man)

Ant Man (Ant man and wasp, ant man quantomania, all three of these movies are great!)

Avengers Civil War (Airport scene)

Earths Mightiest Hero’s (Tv show featuring ant man and the wasp with great gt scenes)

Help! I shrunk my teacher (This movie is in another language however I have been able to find an English version pretty sure on YouTube)

Help! I shrunk my parents (Again in another language but should have English version on YouTube)

Help! I shrunk my friends (Now this one I haven’t been able to find with English version or English subtitles so if you find one please share, but visually even better than the other two in regards to gt!)

Tinkerbell and the great fairy rescue

Disney’s Thumbelina

Disney’s original animated Peter Pan as well as Return to Neverland (Tinkerbell gt scenes)

Ella Enchanted

The Borrowers (1973) A little old but super cute!

The Borrowers (1992) Pretty sure this is a mini series or at least 2 or 3 short films and it is great!

The Borrowers (1997) Classic movie, great visual effects, epic cast, amazing gt!

The Borrowers (2011) Another great remake of the movie, a little more modern

Alice in Wonderland – Whether it be the Disney animation or the Johnny Depp remakes, great gt scenes in this also, I personally like the live action remake

Hook – Oh my god is this movie great! Julia Roberts plays Tinkerbell and Robin Williams as an adult Peter, the chemistry and gt interactions in this are amazing!

Wiplala (Also known as Help! I shrunk the family though not from the same series of movies as the other Help! Movies I mentioned above) This is also found in a different language though English versions are available on youtube – Totally underrated movie and has amazing gt all the way through!

Barbie as Thumbelina (For a kids movie this has a super cute story and great gt enemies to friends vibes)

Jack the Giant slayer

Peter Pan (2003 live action) One of my favourites and I rewatch this a lot! Poor tink gets grabbed a lot sometimes gently and sometimes not so gently!

Honey I shrunk the kids

Honey we shrunk ourselves

Honey I blew up the kid

The Secret World of Arrietty (Another one of my all time favourites and rewatches!)

The Iron Giant (Again just amazing and one of my favourites!)

The Indian in the cupboard (So sweet with a lot of really powerful messages)

The Littles (Kids tv show and just all around great gt!)

The incredible shrinking woman (I personally didn’t enjoy this movie as much as I thought I would but still great gt scenes)

The incredible shrinking man (Again didn’t love this but it is also very old, great special effects for its time)

Fern Gully (Another all time favourite!)

Fern Gully 2 the magical rescue (Not as great as the first one but still pretty good as far as gt goes with more interactions with humans)

Epic! (one of the newer gt animations with a fantastic cast, didn’t like that the human’s move so slow but from a scientic viewpoint that does make sense)

Tom Thumb (This is fairly old and a musical, but has some excellent scenes for its time)

George shrinks (A kids tv show I grew up watching, all around amazing)

Jack and the beanstalk: The real story (Fantastic movie, though it may be a mini series, I can’t quiet remember but great gt again!)

Attack on Titan (this is an anime series, it’s also really good in the fact that one of the humans, well a few, but the main character can become a titan and helps to protect his city and his friends, now this show is not for the weak stomach, the titans are quite disturbing and there is a lot of vore and gore so fair warning)

Dinosaur (Disney movie – gt found family the tiny lemurs take in a dinosaur and raise him as their own, inspired my most recent story)

Transformers (There are many of these and can be hit and miss with regards to gt, but its there)

Sugar Apple Fairy Tale (Another anime, actually just started this and its fantastic in regards to gt)

Night at the museum (All three movies as they all include our favourite tiny cowboy and roman)

Robotech (I’ve been told this is great as it contains giant mech people and some gt scenes)

Land of the Giants (TV series, it’s fairly dated but well worth a watch)

Downsizing (Starring Matt Damon, I personally didn’t like this film, it had so much potential and just missed the mark but there is some great gt in it)

Monsters Vs Aliens! (I can’t believe I almost forgot this movie and it’s not in my gt media poster ahhhh! Amazing gt all the way through, one of my favourites!)

Dwarfina (Such a cute tv series, it is in another language but I was able to understand a fair bit, following the series on youtube can be confusing but it is so worth the effort, the story is so sweet with amazing gt and romance)

My little lover (A Japanese series, though I believe there is an english dub, I’ve heard there is a remake now out but I’ve not seen it, the original is fantastic though!)

Okay I’m gonna list a few more below, they all have the same sort of vibe, I didn’t personally enjoy them they were like on the cusp of pornography but for the sake of the gt in media list I’ll put them here:

Attack of the 50 foot cheerleader

Attack of the 50 foot woman (There is two of these, an older one and a remake)

Attack of the 60 foot centrefold

The 30 foot bride of candy rock

The Amazing colossal man

Village of the giants

[andro-dino]

Tired and sick, may I get some Once upon a withlight headcanons to ease my weary soul?

aaa hope you feel better soon snuggles 🫶

this is one I actually have to put a little brain power into bc I actually haven’t thought super hard about this

- I think kremy and Gideon never verbally apologize to each other after a fight, both of them are way too prideful and awkward for that. Kremy I think would take it like a mom who cuts up fruit for you instead of apologizing. He doesn’t explicitly acknowledge that anything happened or is wrong but Gideon will be moping in the corner and kremy will be like “I made dinner, are you gonna come eat with me or what?” and instantly all is resolved. On Gideon’s part, I think it’s a combo of big sad puppy eyes and acts of service, just constantly going out of his way to do things for kremy to try to make up for it. I think gid does that a lot just anyways but he goes especially hard on it when he’s trying to apologize after a fight

- also coalecroux focused, these guys are so weird about physical affection. it’s either they are extremely awkward and strange about it or they are literally inside each others skin, no in between. Like I think with these two having been together for as long as they have, they have very naturally gotten super used to constantly hanging on to each other and having their arms wrapped around each other like second nature, neither of them even really realize they do it, but the SECOND anyone comments on it or causes them to think about it for even a second, they are instantly ten feet apart from each other and all awkward and sputtery about it. freaks, I hate them (affectionate)

- Frost is the kind of person who will appear to be completely doing his own thing and not paying attention at all when other people are talking but he is actually extremely engaged in the conversation, he just doesn’t feel the need to hold eye contact or stop doing what he’s doing (which is probably like reading a book or something similar which would appear to hold all his attention). Gricko is the most used to this and entirely unfazed by it but it takes most others a little while to understand it

- Gideon and Twig scheme about pranks to pull on frost together. Either that or just ganging up to make fun of him (affectionate) in general

- Twig tries to help show torbek how to clean and take care of his fur a little more. He’s not particularly good at it on his own but he’s trying and he appreciates it immensely

- frost. Kitty tendencies. he tries like really really hard not to show most of his cat qualities very often bc he does not want to draw attention to them but he has found himself making biscuits around people without realizing more than once

- Hootsie with each of the different krew members I think are all very fun dynamics. Frost is father #2 to her and will usually be the one taking care of her if gricko cannot as he is generally the most responsible and capable when it comes to taking care of her, though he will definitely sneak her more rat snacks than she’s supposed to have. Kremy is like the rich gay aunt who will absolutely spoil her rotten if given the opportunity. He never means to but he can never resist doing so. He will go full Karen mode to give her the world. I imagine hootsie in Gideon’s care like one of those movies where the plot revolves around a babysitter and the kid their watching going on a big wacky adventure and needing to get home before the parents do, and no matter zany the hijinks, they will always get back home and act like absolutely nothing happened when the parents do get home. He is one of hootsie’s favorite to play and cuddle with but he should probably not be solely responsible for her for extended periods of time. Torbek and hootsie are like bffs and also are great cuddle buddies but similarly he should never be left solely responsible for her it would not go well.

[xaharadesert]

10 of my Favourite Horror (Adjacent) Movies and Why You Should Watch Them

(Not in any particular order or subgenre. TW are super vague, spoiler-free, and from my memory, but I would recommend looking up more specific ones before watching any of these if you are easily triggered. Not all triggers are listed because these are horror movies, so stuff like death and murder is to be expected.)

Let me know if y’all want a part 2, because I’ve got about 7 more! (It could have been one post if Tumblr didn’t limit my images to 10)

1. Parasite

A struggling lower class family slowly integrates itself into the household of a rich family without their knowledge.

Most of you have already seen this one, or been told to watch it. I am no different: this movie is popular for a very good reason. Divided into 3 clear acts, starting with comedy, and making its way through drama into horror. Also, great commentary on classism, very psychological at times and makes you wonder who you should really be rooting for.

Scary: 2/10

Gore: 3/10

Disturbing: 5/10

Psychological: 6/10

Actual genre: Dark comedy thriller

2. The House That Jack Built

Serial killer Jack recounts some of his most influential murders.

A bit infamous and controversial for being very messed up, but still really good. Highly psychological, with a lot of narration and use of metaphor. Especially fun if you have any knowledge of Dante’s Inferno. Definitely not one to watch if you want a protagonist to root for.

Scary: 3/10

Gore: 6/10

Disturbing: 10/10

Psychological: 8/10

Actual Genre: psychological horror art

TW: sexism, corpse mutilation

3. Creep (1&2)

A man is hired to help film messages from a dying man to his son.

I’m usually not a fan of found-footage, but there’s something special about Creep. On top of that, this is one of the few movies where I can confidently say I like the sequel more, which is shocking because the first one was amazing. Very funny and off-beat, with a sense of foreboding underlying the whole thing.

Scary: 3/10

Gore: 1/10

Disturbing: 3/10

Psychological: 4/10

Actual genre: found footage psychological horror

Edit: now has a TV show! Haven’t watched it yet, but saw some clips and it looks great! Follows the same formula as the movies :)

4. Mother!

A woman and her poet husband live quietly in a secluded house away from society.

Very metaphorical and highly feminist; definitely not a movie that everyone appreciates, but if you enjoy analysis or just being really weirded out then this is a good for you. Starts slow and snowballs toward the horrific climax.

Scary: 3/10

Gore: 7/10

Disturbing: 7/10

Psychological: 8/10

Actual genre: psychological horror

TW: cannibalism

5. Perfect Blue

Mima is a young pop star looking to join the acting industry.

Brutally realistic to the point where I had to stop watching and take a walk at one point. Very much “female rage” and a protagonist that will live in your head rent free for the next 6 years (or maybe that’s just me). Very triggering in a lot of ways, but worth it if you’re not sensitive to the topics it covers.

Scary: 5/10

Gore: 4/10 (animated)

Disturbing: 8/10

Psychological: 10/10

Actual genre: psychological thriller

TW: depersonalization/derealization, nudity, stalking, rape scene (she is acting in a tv show but it is still the most uncomfortable scene of the movie), inaccurate portrayal of DID

6. Midsommar

A couple and their friends go on a vacation to their friend’s remote hometown for a Midsommar festival.

Probably the best-known out of this list, and again for a good reason. 90% of the film takes place in broad daylight, and the visuals are absolutely gorgeous. Once again will bring up the question of who is in the right and who is in the wrong (I have the answer to this question and I will fight you in dms if you’d like).

Scary: 3/10

Gore: 8/10

Disturbing: 8/10

Psychological: 7/10

Actual genre: folk horror

TW: long and graphic sex scene, nudity, close up and graphic gore, cult stuff, suicide

7. The Call

A woman moves back to her childhood home and receives a call from the woman who lived there 30 years prior.

I got really into modern Asian horror films a few months ago and this is one of my favourites. The dynamic between the protagonist and antagonist is one of my favourites, and finishing this movie felt like finishing a 3 season TV show because of how well paced it was. Really hoping there will be a sequel with the same concept, even if it is not likely.

Scary: 6/10

Gore: 3/10

Disturbing: 6/10

Psychological: 6/10

Actual genre: psychological thriller

TW: abuse

8. Incantation

A cursed woman takes back custody of her young daughter and does everything she can to keep away the effects of her curse.

This one was popular on TikTok for a while, and for good reason. Another found footage in a more traditional sense, and a bit confusing at times, but overall a really solid scary story. Very cool effects as well.

Scary: 6/10

Gore: 4/10

Disturbing: 6/10

Psychological: 5/10

Actual genre: supernatural horror

TW: derealization

9. Pearl

A farm girl dreams about leaving home and living as a show girl.

Mia Goth is a national treasure, but we all knew that already. I watched this one before X (the actual first movie) because I didn’t know they were connected, but I much preferred this one. The Wizard of Oz vibes combined with Pearl’s unsettling behaviour made is a really creep film to watch.

Scary: 4/10

Gore: 4/10

Disturbing: 6/10

Psychological: 5/10

Actual genre: horror

TW: porn

10. The Platform

A man is stuck in a prison where a platform of food is lowered through the layers of cells for inmates to eat as they please.

I’m a sucker for psychological movies that take place in a very limited space. If you’ve ever played and enjoyed the game Presentable Liberty then I’m gonna go ahead and say you’ll like this too. Not every question is answered, but the film is more about the human condition than the prison they inhabit, so it’s not too much of a problem.

Scary: 2/10

Gore: 9/10

Disturbing: 8/10

Psychological: 9/10

Actual genre: social science fiction horror

TW: cannibalism, suicide

[nnnyxie]

Hcs about the Rise boys with a younge rsister who is totally like nimona??

Punk music, always thinking about action, super into manipulating and robbery, whines every time one of the brothers knock out an enemy “how come you got to kill them??” <- an actual line from the movie- And basically yeah lol.

please and thank you so much!! Don’t forget to take breaks and take good care of yourself!!

okay so i haven’t watch nimona yet BUT i will do my absolute best at trying to embody her

(aka i did research and i’m praying it was enough)

raphael ;

your relationship with raph is so !!

you respect him so much— like seriously!!! when they first found you, you were very intimidated by him, which made you dislike him.

but overtime you realized he was just a softy that could get mean when needed.

and honestly?? you respected that.

it’s like with mikey— complete opposites but besties!!

you hold him on such a high pedestal, he’s kind of your idol (strength wise mainly).

he’s always saying ‘remember no killing!’ and ‘you cannot kill that guy for not liking your outfit!’.

he’s the cool older brother and you love him!!

donatello ;

now. you’d think that you and donnie would get along great considering you’re both yk… borderline murderers/psychopaths!

but… y’all fight ALL. THE. TIME.

it’s always over who gets to fight which person and who gets dibs on killing ‘knocking out’ said person.

poor raph ALWAYS has to break up your fights. the fights are to the point where it gets PHYSICAL.

BUUUT!! there are times where the two of you get along.

usually it’s when it’s super late and you both are very sleep deprived and running on 16 cups of coffee!

but hey, a win is a win i guess???

leonardo ;

urgh leo… i feel like this is a very one sided hateship (if that makes sense?).

like, you love hate him and his dumb, corny jokes but he adores you!! he adores his little sister!! he’ll shower you in affection like he does w/ the others!!

all the hugs, head-locks, knuckle rubs (i think that’s what they’re called), etc etc.

he just adores you and really doesn’t care if you want to curb stomp him into oblivion (don’t look up curb stomping, just know that it’s violent).

your relationship with him is almost like his and donnie’s except donnie doesn’t actually want to stab him sometimes.

thoughhhh there are times where you’ll show him some love, whether that’s in the form of not attacking him for a few days or silently laughing at one of his terrible one-liners.

michaelangelo ;

first of all—

you and mikey?? complete opposites but absolute besties!!

i feel like he’d see you try to do some dumb illegal shit but immediately go ‘no no no! let’s not do that!’ and pull you away—

he has to talk you out of a LOOOT of illegal things. like. A LOT.

one time you tried breaking into the empire state and almost killed a guard……… mikey thankfully followed you and stopped you!! (why did you try to break in? i haven’t the slightest clue!)

it just fits!!

you’d lay your life on the line for him!! honestly who wouldn’t??? just because he’s too good for this world doesn’t mean he should leave it!!

plus, you and doctor delicate touch are such a duo when need be.

OMG ALSO!!! i feel like you two would totally vibe to bratmobile, bikini kill, le tigre, jack off jill, & just so many riot grrl (fem led punk) bands!!!

y’all are just THE duo!!!!

pls i hope i got her personality correct dkgsldna

also!!! i hope you liked this :)

[emotionallychargedtowel]

Since you're familiar with tokusatsu actors and their journeys into BL, what kinds of careers historically have tokusatsu actors had as they start to get more credits and mature?

Thank you for the ask! This is a great question. It’s something I’ve been curious about for a while, as you know.

I never get tired of this gif of Seto Toshiki (a Kamen Rider alum with two BLs under his belt) eating cake. (It's from Kamen Rider Ex-Aid, which he starred in with Iijima Hiroki of Our Dining Table fame.)

Oh, I should probably say at the outset that I'm talking about the suit transformation type of tokusatsu shows here. Technically the category is broader and also includes kaiju movies, but I'm focusing here on the kind of tokusatsu series in which human characters (or human-like ones) transform into masked heroes. I think that's what you had in mind, Ben, and it's the type of tokusatsu that tends to overlap with the BL world.

Another thing you'll notice is that I'm mostly going to talk about men here. Tokusatsu has been making some progress as a genre when it comes to gender equity, but it still has a long way to go. And since most of the progress that has happened, like the increase in female Riders, has been in the last few years, the actors who played those characters haven't had much of a subsequent career yet.

Now, to your question.

Unfortunately, I haven’t figured out a way to really look at this systematically. So, definitely take my conclusions with a grain of salt. (If anyone reading this knows more about this or has thoughts about how to get more/better info, I'd love to hear them.) The main source of information I have--aside from just soaking stuff up from watching tokusatsu shows and reading toku fans' tumblrs, of course--is looking at toku actors’ entries on MDL and seeing how many roles they’ve gotten, if they’re “guest,” “support,” or “main” roles, and trying to find out about the type of shows and movies they’re in.

One of the biggest weaknesses to this approach as an American viewer is that it's usually hard for me to tell what constitutes a popular or prestigious series or film even if I go to the listings for specific shows/films. I should also note that one thing that biases my “data” (to use the term loosely) is the fact that I’m more likely to look up this information about actors I like. Well, occasionally I’ll also look at info on some sample of actors out of curiosity, like a bunch of lead Ultraman actors’ subsequent careers or something like that. But it's usually more random.

A little background. As you're aware, tokusatsu roles often go to younger actors who don't have much previous experience. They tend to function both as a way of getting a foothold in the industry (building a resume, starting a fanbase, etc.) and as a way of learning on the job. Part of the reason they work so well in this regard is that they have long seasons. Ultraman seasons are typically around 25 episodes long, which is pretty long compared to many shows in Japan, but Kamen Rider and Super Sentai seasons are usually around 50 episodes long. This means two things: a toku part gets you a lot more of the aforementioned work experience than you'd get in other genres, and it provides a solid year of consistent work with additional work to follow (particularly hard to come by in Japan's entertainment industry, from what I understand). The additional work is substantial, too. There are typically post-series TV movies and touring live shows and there are often guest spots on other series in your franchise.

When it comes to landing other roles, as in other types of media, it makes a big difference what type of role you had. This is stating the obvious, I know, but there are some specific ways this works with tokusatsu series, and it relates to who ends up in BLs and in what capacity. So, all of the big three tokusatsu franchises are pretty ensemble-based but they still have distinct leads and some degree of a hierarchy of roles. Ultraman has the strongest leads, Kamen Rider has lead/title Riders and secondary (and often tertiary) Riders, and Super Sentai shows are especially ensemble-y (the word sentai basically means "squad," after all) but they always have some kind of group leader.

When I look up subsequent work by tokusatsu actors who had sizable roles in their toku series--lead roles, or other parts that are what MDL would call "main" roles--what I see most often is a lot of supporting and guest roles in a variety of TV shows and some films. You can usually find a smattering of lead roles as well, but if you look closely they may turn out to be smaller productions (but not always). When it comes to the number/frequency of credits, there's a lot of variation but an average case would be 2-3 such credits per year. Like I mentioned above, it's hard for me to tell how desirable/prestigious/well-paying those guest and supporting roles are. But they don't usually seem to be scraping the bottom of the barrel or anything. So, yeah. Lots of these actors have different paths, but this is what I see most frequently.

Given how challenging it is to make a career out of acting in Japan, this is nothing to sneeze at. Despite its relative influence, the Japanese entertainment industry is still comparatively small, and there are only so many opportunities. In that context, regularly getting guest and supporting gigs constitutes a pretty uncommon level of success.

Could these folks support themselves on this amount of work? I often see just a few credits per year, so maybe not. But when I like one of these actors enough to follow them on socials, it usually seems like they are supplementing those parts with other stuff like stage plays, toku fan appearances, modeling gigs, or other types of performance including music. Even with these different sources of income, some probably still can't live on their entertainment industry pay alone. But it appears that some can.

So that's the most common thing. One less common outcome is leaning really hard into being a tokusatsu actor for life. It's not typical to get significant roles in multiple toku shows, but it does happen. And some actors manage to play the same character in a lot of post-series movies, miniseries, etc. stretching out for years after their actual series. For example, Tsuruno Takeshi, who played Ultraman Dyna's human host Shin Asuka, has been in ten different Ultraman things including his main series, a short series, a lot of TV movies, and a special. Dyna aired in 1997, and his last appearance as Asuka was fairly recent, in 2016. That's almost a 20-year span. Yet Tsuruno has never had a non-Ultraman main character part. (Though this is partly because he seems to have focused more on his music career and related variety show type things post-Dyna.) There are even some actors who are tokusatsu superfans whose whole career plan is centered on the genre from the get-go.

For those who are looking to branch out, there are a lot of trajectories. So I'll try to talk about some of them through a few examples.

Takeda Kouhei

You probably knew I was going to bring him up. On Kamen Rider Kiva, Takeda's character was important but not the lead (he played the main character's father in the 1980s, in a timeline that ran parallel to the present day one). That was in 2008, when he was 22. Nine years later, in 2017, he was in Kamen Rider Build, in which he was the "tertiary" Rider. This character was a potato farmer-turned-antihero. As tertiary Riders go, he was pretty popular. But Takeda seemed to be mostly hovering at a certain level at that point. Then Old Fashion Cupcake happened. It's significant that he went from playing supporting characters (albeit important ones) to a lead character in OFC. It's also helpful that OFC came out at a point when the prestige of BLs was on the rise. It seems like Takeda has had more consistent and larger parts since then. The difference isn't night and day or anything, but it's observable.

If you look at Takeda's Build costars, Inukai Atsuhiro and Akaso Eiji, here’s what you'll find. Akaso has a similar trajectory to Takeda's only somewhat steeper. His role on Build (the secondary Rider) was a bit bigger, he seemed to get slightly bigger roles overall after Build, and Cherry Magic gave him a significant boost from there. Inukai had a bigger upswing early on followed by slower growth that still had him outstripping both Akaso and Takeda. From what I can tell, his “data” more closely resembles that of Yamada Yuki, who I’ll talk about in a second, though they have different niches.

Suda Masaki

Suda Masaki was only 16 when he played the main rider in Kamen Rider W in 2009, which is unusually young. (W has a unique premise where two different people inhabit the same Rider, so Suda played a lead rider but so did his costar Kiriyama Renn.) From what I can tell, he seems to have had a pretty organic path to larger and larger roles while varying genres and styles quite a bit. At this point he's definitely a very respected actor. (One interesting bit of trivia: Hagiwara Riku has said Suda is his biggest acting role model.) He's won two Japan Academy Film Prizes and been nominated three more times. I don't know of a more successful ex-tokusatsu lead. Actually, I looked him up for this post to fill in some details and found out for the first time that he also has a pretty successful career as a jpop musician. It's almost annoying that he's that talented in yet another area.

I don't see any indication that Suda has ever played a queer character, though he has definitely done some pretty bromantic stuff. He did kiss a man once in a drama series, but it was for plot reasons and was 100% played for laughs in a gross way. He also played a gender nonconforming character in the 2014 live action version of Princess Jellyfish. (Another bit of trivia: when another live action adaptation of Princess Jellyfish was released in 2018, the same character was played by another former lead Rider, Seto Koji from Kiva.) I wouldn't put it past Suda to play a queer character, if it was for a highbrow movie or something analogous to what Nishijima Hidetoshi has done in What Did You Eat Yesterday?, but I'm also not holding my breath.

Yamada Yuki

A less extreme case. Yamada was on Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger. He was the blue member of the team, a soldier-turned-pirate. It may have helped Yamada along later on that Gokaiger is an especially popular Sentai series. Post-Gokaiger, Yamada didn't have any sort of big breakout role that I can find. It just seems like fairly soon after Gokaiger, he started having significant roles in TV dramas and has pretty much continued from there, with some upward momentum but no huge changes. When he was in a drama with Akaso Eiji recently, his part was first billed and a smidge bigger. Yamada's trend line seemed to have a biggish upward swing early and then just a slight slope from there. But I just saw him in something different: he plays the younger member of the minesweeper crew in Godzilla Minus One. I wonder if that will mark any sort of shift for him.

Yamada hasn't played any queer characters as far as I can tell. His Sentai role was shippy as hell, though. It's a tradition among Sentai shows that subtext-level queer ships happen between the red and blue team members, and that's exactly what happened in Gokaiger. Sometimes the subtext pretty much became text. If magazine images from that time are any indication, their relationship seems to have been a promotional angle for the show. There's even one where they seem to be in some kind of high school AU that looks like it's straight out of a BL.

what about women?

I tried looking up a few women I know from tokusatsu roles while I was looking up these and other dudes. Some of them were still in the business, at least. Some were getting the same trickle of guest and supporting parts a lot of men do after a tokusatsu show. A few had a slightly bigger trickle. But many of them seemed to have disappeared from the public eye entirely. Not only are women underrepresented in tokusatsu, and not only are their roles often relatively small and two-dimensional, but it doesn't seem like they get even a slight career boost after these roles.

It's possible this will change for some of the actors who got bigger, more interesting toku roles in recent years. Here's hoping!

The changing relationship between tokusatsu and BL

The relationship between tokusatsu and BL has been changing as BL gains more prestige, like I alluded to when I talked about Takeda Kouhei. There was a time when they seemed to be pretty analogous in terms of how hard it was to get a role and how effective they were as rungs on a career ladder. If you went from being a tokusatsu side character to a BL lead (like Takeda), that was a step up, but only because you were shifting from a supporting spot to a lead one. Tokusatsu leads usually didn't usually do BL or, when they did, only played straight supporting roles. I think it was seen as a lateral move. But now, BL is becoming a very established next step after tokusatsu. It's like BL has moved up in status so that the consensus is that it's above tokusatsu on the ladder, but just by a little bit. It's also kind of an organic transition since we're seeing more queer ships in tokusatsu that, while they mostly happen on a subtext level, are close to being canon (and in some cases, arguably already are). It occurred to me while I was writing this that there's also another type of role that is in a similar zone of accessibility and prestige to both tokusatsu and BL. It's a franchise, not a genre, but with so many movies and such huge casts it almost functions like a genre for the purpose of this discussion. I'm talking about the High&Low movies. If you're a fan of tokusatsu or BL, you'll see actors you know in every High&Low movie and if you're a fan of both, you'll see tons.

Case in point: Here's our ol’ pal Yamada Yuki. He's in quite a few High&Low installments. If only he’d do a BL and complete the trifecta! The only person I know of offhand who’s done a tokusatsu show, a BL, and a High&Low role is Takeda. I bet there are others, though.

the new (?) prestige tokusatsu

There's another piece to this I should probably point out as well. In recent years there have been some more high-budget, prestigious takes on existing tokusatsu properties. First, Anno Hideaki, who's best known for the Evangelion anime series/films, put out three live action features that are new, well-financed takes on three big tokusatsu properties: Shin Godzilla, Shin Ultraman, and Shin Kamen Rider.

Last year there was also a Kamen Rider series geared toward adults that had higher-than-usual production values called Kamen Rider Black Sun. It did that “you can tell our show is for adults because it's all gritty and grimdark" thing, which I'm not a fan of. But it definitely had its points.

Really distinguished actors starred in both the Shin movies and Black Sun, including Nishijima Hidetoshi, who's about as distinguished as it gets. Nishijima was in both Shin Ultraman (in an important supporting role) and Black Sun (as a co-protagonist--and he's the biggest highlight of the series). So these are examples of toku media that are too prestigious to be a springboard into the industry for most actors.

This seems to be a new phenomenon, though I could be wrong about that. I don’t expect the trend will continue at this pace (after all, so much of it is attributable to Anno alone and I don't think he'll continue down this path indefinitely), but I bet some other shows/movies in this vein will come out sooner or later.

Here’s Nishijima doing a henshin sequence. He does these moves with such commitment. Is there anything he can't do?

before tokusatsu

As I was writing this, it got me thinking about what actors do before their tokusatsu roles as well as after. It's not uncommon for toku roles to be someone's debut, but that's not really the norm. Even when it is, most of those actors were doing something in the realm of performing or modeling beforehand. I don't usually look at this sort of information as much as I do later roles when I'm investigating toku actors I like. So I looked up some people to try to get a sense of where the actors tend to have done before their toku parts.

There's one starting point that a whole bunch of tokusatsu leads share: winning the Junon Super Boy Contest. When I first saw references to it, I thought, OK, this is some kind of national talent contest. I guess there are probably lots of them. But when I looked for others, I didn't see anything come up. Maybe I'm just not looking in the right places or using the right search terms. But I think maybe this contest might be pretty unique in Japan.

It's run by a magazine called Junon and, well, if I describe how it works it's going to sound really familiar to you and anyone else who's seen Utsukushii Kare, because it's pretty much exactly the contest Kiyoi participates in. Like, if it's not what Nagira Yuu was thinking of when she wrote that part of the UK novel, I'll eat my shoe.

A ton of tokusatsu leads won, placed in, or made it to the finals of that contest. The Tokupedia fan wiki even has its own page dedicated to the contest with links to various winners' toku characters. The majority of Junon Super Boy contestants who ended up in a toku series went to Kamen Rider, but there are some Sentai dudes as well and at least one Ultraman lead.

So I guess if Kiyoi had won that contest, he probably would have ended up on Kamen Rider or something. Weird.

Inukai Atsuhiro and Iijima Hiroki both won that contest. Those are the only two Junon Boys (that's what people call the contest winners) who became tokusatsu actors and were on a BL that I know of right off the top of my head. But it seems likely that there are other toku-and-BL or just BL actors who won, placed, or made it to the finals of this contest.

Other dudes who ended up on tokusatsu shows started out in other ways. Some were simply signed to agencies as actors. There's a fair number of them who were in idol groups. (Though when an idol/ex-idol is looking for a gig as a transition into acting, BLs seem to be a more popular choice.) Some mostly did modeling prior to their toku series. Some already had quite a few acting credits, though usually not very big ones. Although he's a Junon Super Boy winner, Inukai had eight other acting credits before Kamen Rider. Takeda had the same number, and he started young--his first credit is for a TV show that came out when he was 10 (though it took another six years to get a second).

I also looked up some women who've had prominent roles in tokusatsu shows, including more recent ones. The most frequent things I found when I looked for information on their pre-toku careers were that they had been models or idols (or both). It's also not uncommon for women in toku roles to be former or present gravure models--basically models who pose in bikinis or comparably revealing outfits.

The coolest thing I found was that Imoto Ayaka, who played Igarashi Sakura/Kamen Rider Jeanne, was an award-winning ballet dancer. Which is not only incredibly cool but makes a lot of sense in terms of preparation for a tokusatsu hero role.

I mean, just check out this henshin.

Well, this has gotten ridiculously long. Sorry about that. I may have gotten a little carried away. But thanks again for the question.

And now, I have something to write for @wen-kexing-apologist...

[theflagscene]

15 Day BL Challenge (part 4)

This is it, day 60… out of 15?? I don’t think any of us can math anymore 😂

Thanks @negrowhat for starting all this insanity💖

I hope everyone has a good holiday week and a very happy new year, let’s have a very gay 2025!

60. Favourite lesser known BL

I always mention Long Time No See from 2017, it’s really great and I think everyone should check it out. It’s not super complicated, but it has great characters and great chemistry.

I also absolutely adore Bangkok Love Story, it’s from 2007. It’s not a series but a movie and oh, it’s so good. I actually think it was very possibly the first Thai movie I ever watched, at the time I had started a blog—actually I think it was a LiveJournal (I’m so old)—reviewing queer cinema from anywhere that wasn’t America because I was tired of how they always treated the characters, how so often the stories were anything but happy. Which is how I found so many fantastic LGBTQ+ movies, not as many series or shows obviously. And Bangkok Love Story was one that was on many queer film lists, it’s rough, slow, gritty and is so cinematically beautiful. To this day it is one of my favourite movies, not just out of queer media, but in general. Seriously, if you haven’t seen it, hunt it down and watch it. You won’t regret it.

Edited: Bangkok Love Story has a very bittersweet ending, I won’t spoil anything. But I realized the way I spoke about wanting to find less depressing LGBTQ+ movies made it seem like all the series/movies I found back in the day had happy or sweet endings. That’s not the case for all the series/movies I watched in that era, mostly because the rise of LGBTQ+ media was still in its infancy so a lot of them—even from outside of America—were pretty dark. Bangkok Love Story is a dark and gritty romance, make no mistake. It’s between an assassin for hire and a police informant that he is sent to kill, they are a couple that is very much doomed by the narrative. But it is still an amazing movie, seriously, so freaking amazing! And I cannot hammer home the absolute fantastic cinematography in this movie, seriously, it’s like its own character. The pacing and the way the scenes are shot make the movie even more compelling.

[gothamxwattpad]

How To Start Writing Fanfiction;

Hi, hello, I’m Jules and earlier today I was asked by a mutual about how to start getting into fanfiction. So, this is me doing my best to explain it as someone who sucks at explaining things.

First, what the fuck is fanfiction? Fanfiction is a type of writing that is based off existing works of fiction. What’s the point of it? Entertainment for both you, the fan and the writer and for the reader, whether you share it or not, that’s your choice. Fanfiction is supposed to be fun, if it’s not fun, put it down and try another project. But it also can be used to tell a different story then the original creator had. Maybe your perspective of that one character is different from other people, so you use YOUR perspective to tell the character’s story differently.

1) You can start by listing things you like; tv shows, movies, books, anime- literally anything you like.

I will use myself as example: the vampire diaries(great series and books), the great gatsby(a fucking classic everyone should read BEFORE seeing the movie which is also beautiful and sad and romantic), blood and chocolate- if you love werewolves and romance- fuck yes! I actually read the book and watched the movie so many fucking times, I could quote it as a teenager. I’m currently getting back into Marvel stuff after rewatching X-Men movies for two weeks. One of my favorite things about marvel is how well it’s done. The storylines co-existing simultaneously! Time travel!

-one fucking thing I’ve learned about time and space is that time itself is both existing and not existing at the same time and because scientists that have degrees and shit on it still haven’t figured it out so if you wanted to write about twilight characters finding a gadget that takes them back in time to change unpleasant outcomes they face in the real story, it would perfectly fine and super entertaining.- (seriously, if someone wanted to write that story, I would love to read it and go along that journey with you as you write it)

My point is; to write fanfiction, you have to start with something that YOU like. YOU- the fan- it’s YOUR story.

👉🏻 I forgot to mention that people do write fanfiction about band members they adore and I read some traumatizing good one direction fics when I was in high school. 👈🏻

2) Things to add to that list would include characters you love or hate🤷‍♀️ that’s cool too, quotes from characters for inspiration, settings that stand out to you. Maybe there’s a weird mood or idea that stood out to you. Write it down! The more notes you have can greatly benefit you even if that’s not the project you want to start out with.

3) Baby steps. You gotta start somewhere. One of my first fanfictions was written in middle school, I think some folks call it junior high? It was called Harry Potter and the Dragon’s Eggs. It was basically a fic based the goblet of fire where Harry Potter had slowly growing bond with Draco Malfoy’s sister(a nonexistent character that I made up for my fun) who also got her name in the goblet somehow. They (those chosen) were given dragon eggs to hatch. I never got to finish it because my English teacher got mad that I was writing during my “silent lunch”(a form of punishment where they separate you from your classmates to eat lunch alone and silent and that woman was not going to let little me write for fun during her punishment.) not only did she read it, call me over to criticize it, she then threw it away. But yeah, you have to start somewhere and it might not be great at first but it might surprise you. A lot of people write fanfiction better than they write original works🤷‍♀️. Honestly, if you’re having fun, who cares if it’s bad, again, you don’t have to share it if you don’t want to.

I recently found my Edgar Allan Poe fanfiction that I wrote for my high school senior project (a project that was worth x percentage of your final grade for the school year.) my idea was based off learning that Edgar Allan Poe went missing for a short bit before he passed away by an unknown cause. So, I wrote a story about him chasing strange visions and a letter from a woman he once knew. He had a creepy fucking raven stalking him and hallucinations. The point is; I took what I knew and then wrote a story from it. And you can take the most bare minimum of details about a show you love and still create something with it. The possibilities are literally endless. The only thing stopping you is YOU.

I want to thank my mutual @that-weird-kid-from-your-school for asking me, this was fun. And I’m sure I can add to it later on. I’m also always open to answering questions, whether it be in post form or in my inbox anonymously.

I will also be open to others adding any tips or advice that help them! 💜

[meep9898]

Nobody asked, but here’s a short(?) list of the best things I watched/played/read in 2024:

-X-Men 97. All of it was fantastic and it did a wonderful job of keeping and improving the essence of the original. Episode 5 was on a league of its own.

-Arcane Season 2. It is flawed AF, but the animation was stunning, every frame being a masterpiece. The music was really great too. There’s a certain song I posted a while ago. That song along with the animation of that scene has to be one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.

-Look Back. A precious story that is solely responsible for me taking up drawing again after years. I’ve seen it 3 times and every time it hits me in the gut with heartbreak and determination. Fujimoto is a crazy genius!

-DanDaDan. It is a love letter to everything weird and occult. The weirdness may not be for everyone, but damn is it good. Episode 7 was god-like and I can’t emphasize that enough.

-Dune Part 2. Look, I have to confess I haven’t read the books, but I loved what the movie gave me. One of the best sci-fi things to experience on the big screen.

-The Rehearsal. This didn’t come out in 2024, but I watched it for the first time in that year. Nathan Fielder is a genius. What if you could change a conversation you failed? What if you could relieve a certain moment with the knowledge you have now? What if you could never get something/someone right no matter how many times you try? He perfectly encapsulated common feelings of anxiety by taking them to the extreme and, in a weird way, it was endearing to see someone that awkward try to navigate through all that. The way it blurs the line between reality and fiction is also impressive.

-Squid Game. With how much it’s been memed and talked about, I can’t believe I enjoyed it as much as I did. Both seasons were okay overall, but the whole concept behind it, most of its characters, and how it incorporated game theories and game politics was super interesting to me, and as much as I don’t want to admit it, I couldn’t stop watching. Binged both seasons in two days (like 15-16 hours?). I don’t binge shows.

-Super Psychic Policeman Chojo. I have to be honest, I stopped reading it because I got busy with other things, but what I read gave me hours of laughter thanks to how ridiculous it could get. Very underrated in my opinion, at least until the chapter I read. I should probably pick it up again.

-Finally: Limbus Company Canto VII. It’s been a long time since something has emotionally moved me to my core like that. That final battle and Don Quixote’s whole story…Phew…I can’t recommend nor praise it enough. I love you, Project Moon!

[grovelin-green-goblin]

Why Should we Play Glitchy Games?

How many times has this happened to you? You booted up a new game, you got it day one, and it has some glitches, and you aren’t too fond of the graphics, so, as such, you stop playing it and don’t really come back to it. You go back to whatever you were playing before and whenever your friends talk about it with you you always remark on how you couldn’t get past the way the graphics were. Some time passes, and you decide to watch a video on it, and you realize you missed out.

I think we’ve all been there, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of, lots of people judge books by their covers or just by the first few pages. But it doesn’t always have to be this way. Even if a game is unpolished, has poor graphics, or is glitchy, should stick with it. If not for just the sake of seeing what’s on the other side.

Talking about video games, it’s also easy to get caught up in the details. I’ve seen so much discourse about the graphics of games and how powerful the consoles are, it’s almost like the games themselves stop mattering at a certain point. It’s become more of “how close can we get to a movie without just making a movie?” Now, granted, multiple years during the Game Awards, Geoff Keighley and other speakers have spoken about how they hope to see video games get even closer to being like movies. While I’m all for advancements, and granted this is mostly from Playstation and Microsoft’s AAA output, they all play so close to one another, and if that’s not happening, Playstation is remaking The Last of Us again.

So, what’s the point? All these games look the same, and while there’s depth to them, but at the same time, there’s a lack of variety in the actual genres. So many of these games have become samey. There’s not enough variety, but with the actual content of the games, there’s not too much actually covered. So much of this has become a discussion of graphics and less about the games themselves. The discussion, and focus, should start to veer towards the actual content of these games, not just the performance and graphics.

Now, sometimes, the contents of the games aren’t completely polished, but I’ve seen so many stories of people playing these unpolished games and having a great time. A big example is Super Smash Bros. Melee, a game that has become renowned for its glitches such as the Wavedash and L-Canceling along with the roster’s unbalanced nature has made it an enduring classic for two decades, or Pokemon Red and Blue, games that, while a complete experience, are held together with duct tape and a dream, allowing for Arbitrary Code Execution, a way for people to make precise inputs, rewriting the game while the game is being played due to an insecurity in the game’s coding, allowing again for new discoveries to be made and be played for decades. So much so that people are still finding new techniques and the hierarchy of characters' competitive comparisons to one another to this day. Along with games that haven’t aged well or were unpolished, some games are made with glitches in mind, whether for comedy, like Goat Simulator, or simply that a glitch inspires a whole new concept. One of the most influential examples being Street Fighter II, where the designers found that different attacks had ending lags and could also be strung into each other, allowing for concept of combos to be born, and essentially creating the basis for all modern fighting games.

Now some may say that, no, playing unpolished games leaves you with a frustrating experience, with constant crashes and choppy, inconsistent frame rates. An example of this that I can think of is the Steam version of Fallout New Vegas, a game that, in general, is colloquially considered one of the best video games in the Fallout series, if not in its genre. But, due to the game not being developed for PCs first because it was first developed for the PS3 and Xbox 360, the game’s development being 18 months, and how old the game is, the Steam version is riddled with lots of bugs and frequently crashes. Despite this, however, the game still sits with an overall review average of “Very Positive” on its store page. Why is that? People found that, despite all the issues, players still love the game and found ways to not only work around the crashes, whether through toughing it out or modding the game to tighten up the experience, preventing these crashes from happening. This even happens now, with online games, like Fortnite and Fallout 76. These games, for as popular as they are, there’s always glitches that come with new additions and get fixed as they come, and they release with these glitches. People still play them. Even a game that came out three days ago, Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom, has framerate drops and a strange lack of anti-aliasing, but guess what? I’m already halfway done with it, and I believe it’ll get fixed within time, whether as a patch or it was intended to work better on whatever this Switch successor will be. The point is, even if these games have these problems, a lot of the people who pull through usually end up at liking games like this.

Of course, this doesn’t work for consoles, but usually these don’t go that far as an issue.

All in all, even if the games aren’t polished or have glitches, it may still be worth it to play them. While, that doesn’t mean you can excuse extremely poor performances, you might find that you can still get enjoyment out of them, and can still be worth your time.

[fishing-lesbian-catgirl]

45.

45: worst date you’ve ever been on

I haven’t been on very many but I do think I have a decent answer even if I don’t like thinking about it.

Just over a year ago, a trans woman I matched with on tinder invited me with no notice to go to her place to watch a movie and hang out. It was, by all circumstances, not a great idea. I had sudden unplanned events, it was snowing pretty bad, and it was already like 7 pm. However I was in a bout of extreme loneliness and was desperate. So I drove 30 minutes during a snowstorm to get to her place. I want to preface this by saying that I have struggled throughout my life with being kind of a germaphobe. Not like so extreme that I have to wipe down and disinfect my apartment every week or anything like that, but I’m tend to wash my hands waaaaay too much and just be easily grossed out in general. Anyway her place was absolutely disgusting and filthy and a mess. I feel a little bad saying that but like it was bad. I mean I didn’t see like bugs or mold or anything, but everything was covered in stuff that had been carelessly left there, every surface and most of the floor covered in empty food containers and like crumbs and god knows what, that probably doesn’t sound that bad but I don’t know how to describe it better and I don’t want to keep thinking about it much longer. I’m not the neatest person and my apartment is usually a bit of a mess, but the idea of inviting someone over without cleaning it first is so against the way I do things that I was and still am baffled by it. Anyway I didn’t want to judge too much (I really am trying to get over the germaphobia stuff but it’s hard ok) and I was still a very lonely bitch so I sat on her gross crumb covered couch and watched the Sonic the hedgehog movie, (bc I had mentioned to her in a conversation that I never saw it). She was touchy and cuddly and I quickly got kinda overwhelmed but, again, I was super lonely, I hadn’t spent time with anyone in months (unless you count going to classes but I don’t) so I didn’t want to bail. After the movie we talked and she was sweet and cute and she respected my boundaries and worries because I was very inexperienced with anything remotely resembling dating. But it was now like 1 am and there was a snowstorm outside and she was saying I should probably stay the night, even being upfront and saying we don’t have to do anything, but she was hinting that she might want to. But at that point the mess and dirt and whatnot was really getting to me. I went to the bathroom to pee and sort out my thoughts, but it was like 10x nastier in there, I don’t want to describe it even thinking about it makes me want to take a shower. After that I wanted to be as far from there as possible. I told her as politely as I could but probably not that politely, that I had already gone way out of my comfort zone and that I wanted to go. This wasn’t a lie or anything, basically everything I did that night was well beyond my usual comfort zone that night. She seemed very disappointed but I was beyond feeling bad anymore, I got out of there and went to my car where I rubbed my hand with hand sanitizer like three times and drove home through the blizzard going at a snails pace on the highway bc of the weather, and the whole time I felt like throwing up. When I finally got home over an hour later I took a shower for like another hour.

Now that I typed all that out I’m realizing I used way more words than I needed to say that my worst date was going to a girls place and it was really gross so I didn’t stay longer than a few hours. It’s also not like much of an interesting story and I wrote all that out and relived those memories for what is ultimately not that interesting.

Although even if the circumstances were different I still don’t think I would like the sonic movie

[adorkablenerd]

How To Defeat MC

(Or how to Defeat The Great Mammon p.2 lol)

Bruh I haven’t posted any fics in so long, I’m so sorry y’all 😭 I’m trying to get back into the habit of writing again tho!  I hope y’all like it and I’m also gonna put the link to the first one of these right below this!

1st part

Mammon x MC (Gender neutral)

Words: 1372

MC couldn’t help but feel like Mammon was plotting something.  They had been a bit on edge ever since Mammon declared he would get his revenge on them.  That was over a week ago, and he hadn’t made any attempts yet. It’s not like MC had avoided him either, as they had still been hanging out regularly.  MC couldn’t tell when he was going to attack, but they started wishing he would just get it over with.  This was all they could think about as they were sitting on the couch next to the demon, watching a movie in his room.  

“Oi, MC!”  They jumped hearing Mammon's voice call out to them.  They realized that they had been spacing out for a good few minutes and didn’t even hear the first couple times he said their name.

“Y-Yeah?”  They looked over to the demon on the other side of the couch.

“Could you pass the popcorn, it’s on your side.”  MC looked down to the popcorn bag next to their leg on the floor.

“Oh, sure. Here.”  They handed it to him and tried to focus on the movie, but couldn’t help but get lost in their thoughts again.  They almost jumped again when Mammon’s hand touched their forehead, pressing themselves to the back of the couch in surprise when they realized how close he was.  

“Are you feeling okay?  Your face seems kinda red and you’ve been acting so jumpy lately?”  The genuine concern in his voice made them feel a bit bad for making him worry.

“Don’t worry Mams, I’m fine, just… thinking about the essay we have due next week.”  They hoped that was believable enough, and by look on the demon’s face, it seemed to be.

“Aaah I see, I wouldn’t worry though, you always ace those, you’ll be fine!”  He smiled and gave them a pat on the head.  MC closed their eyes and leaned into the hand, warm and comforting as always.  What they weren’t expecting was the demon’s other hand to randomly trace under their chin, making them move away from the touch with a quiet squeak.

“M-Mammon?!”  He smirked at their reaction, moving on top of them to pin them onto the couch.

“You didn’t think I forgot about my promise, did ya?”  MC could already feel the giggles building up in their chest, of course they didn't forget, it’s all they had been thinking about for the past week.

“I figured all that waitin’ you made me do, I should return the favor.  That’s the real reason you’ve been so jumpy around me, right?”  As he spoke from his spot sat on top of their thighs, he hovered one hand over their tummy, the other pinning both of their hands down by their wrists, smirking down at them.  Sometimes it was easy to forget how strong he was, since he was always so gentle with them, but even now he was making sure his grip wasn't too tight.  

“If you knew, thehen why did you bother to ask?”  A small laugh couldn’t help but slip out as they tried to keep some composure, though the little they had was already crumbling.  

“Honestly, just wanted to see what you’d say, I wonder if you would’ve just asked for it if I waited a bit longer?  Guess you’re lucky The Great Mammon is super generous and won’t make you wait any longer.”  

“You just couldn’t wait any more yourself, cohould you?”  This time the laugh wasn’t just out of anticipation, but at the demon himself, always trying to play so cool, but usually just ending up looking too cute for his own good.  Just like now, face slightly flushed, knowing you had seen right through him.  

“Grr just stop talking and laugh already!”  He released their hands and quickly started squeezing their sides, causing them to let out a quick shriek and break into loud giggles.

“Nahahaha Mahahams plehehease!” Even with their hands free, there wasn’t much they could do, settling for holding onto his wrists, despite it doing nothing to deter the demon.

“Please what? Please keep going? Please keep tickling you? I think I can do that for ya.”  He smirked down at them, keeping his hands at their sides, but now scribbling his nails around the area.

“Yohohou knohow thahat’s nahat whahat I meheheant!”  MC felt their face heating up at the teasing and couldn’t help but squirm side to side, trying to dodge his fingers, but failing miserably.  

“Oooh, I’m sorry. You meant please tickle your tummy, didn’t ya?”  He moved his hands to their stomach, still using his nails to lightly scratch all over. 

“Nohohoho Mahahamon!” Mc could barely get out any words through their laughter.  They knew the demon could be merciless from seeing him wreck his brothers, but this was their first time being on the receiving end of one of his attacks, though they couldn’t say it wasn’t deserved.  

“Oh? Still not the right spot? How about your ribs?  Your underarms? Your neck?”  He quickly jumped from spot to spot, pinching their ribs, then spidering under their arms, and now tracing all around their neck.

“Eehehe yohohou’re soho mehehean.”  Both knew that that was a lie, and that if MC ever wanted it to stop, they could make him easily.  They also knew that it wasn’t necessary anyways, and that if asked or if they seemed uncomfortable, Mammon would stop on his own, but neither wanted it to end yet.

“You haven’t seen mean yet, human~”  MC felt a small shiver go down their spine at his tone.  They felt his hands moving down to their hips, one of their worst spots, at the same time his head lowered to their neck.  They closed their eyes, trying to prepare themselves.  After a bit, they realized he hadn’t moved at all, and peeked their eyes open just a bit.  They were greeted by Mammon’s grinning face right in front of theirs.

“Gotcha~”  That was the only warning they got before both of his hands squeezed at their hips and he began blowing raspberries into the side of their neck.  They let out a shriek and quickly broke down into high pitched laughter.

“NAHAHA W-WAHAHAHAIT!  MAHAHAMOHOHON!”  It was hard to think with how much it tickled, but they still couldn’t bring themself to say stop yet.  Mammon stopped the raspberries to allow a little relief and so that he could speak.

“Wait? Wait for what? I thought you’d be sick of waitin’ by now, or does it just tickle too much for ya’?”  MC felt like their face was on fire, it was unfair for him to be this good at both tickling and teasing.  

“SH-SHUHUHUT UHUHUP!”  Despite how bad it was, of course MC had to instigate it even more, it was just too fun to mess with the demon.  

“Tch, how rude, someone clearly wants more tickle tickle tickles then~”  He put his head back into their neck, this time lightly nibbling at the skin.  MC couldn’t help but let out a couple snorts at how tickly the action was.

“OHOKAHAHAY OKAHAHAY, IHI’M SAHAHARRY!”  Mammon took that as the sign to stop, instantly pulling his hands and head away and moving to be next to them rather than on top.

“That’ll teach ya’ to challenge The Great Mammon, remember this next time you plan on attacking me, human.”  Despite his prideful tone, he was keeping a careful eye on how MC was doing, making sure he didn’t go too far and ready to get them whatever they may need.  MC curled into his side, residual giggles still slipping out.

“Ahand you called mehe evil.”  They let out a yawn, feeling the exhaustion kicking in, and started drifting off to sleep, head in Mammon’s lap.

“Y’know, you’re pretty cute like this, all tickled out, I might have to do it more often.”  He smiled down at them, starting to feel pretty sleepy himself.  

“I wouldn’t mind, as long as I get to tickle you too.”  Hearing this, Mammon felt himself getting flustered again, but both were too tired to really care about what they were saying.

“I guess that’d be alright.”  They both had good dreams that night.

[small-screen-superman]

3 Less-Discussed Flaws in The Last Jedi

Though I usually write posts on my independent blog about Superman and other superheroes, I recently decided to try my hand on writing some of my (mostly very negative) thoughts on the most divisive Star Wars film, The Last Jedi. Go to the independent blog by clicking below, or just keep reading here on Tumblr if you prefer.

Unfortunately, I hate The Last Jedi. I haven’t made any super-negative posts on this blog yet, so I feel a little awkward saying this. But the truth is, I found it an awful watch despite its technical competence. I don’t feel like I can “pull my punches” without belying my actual opinion.

I’m glad some people are able to find enjoyment in it, but I find it terrible for many reasons, including its poor plot and characterization that mismatch horribly with the other Star Wars movies. But in this blog post, I don’t want to talk about that, or about everything wrong with the film in general, since that would be very lengthy and would feel redundant in light of how well-discussed this movie’s issues are. (For a great example of this discussion, check out this Jedi Council forum thread, which also contains posts from people who actually like or love it.) It’s possible I might someday make an exhaustive review of The Last Jedi, but I’m not super eager to do so when it’s probably one of the most talked about movies ever.

Instead, I’m going to focus on 3 complaints that are more rare for people to talk about or are generally referenced as minor side notes. Along the way, I will reference the movie’s other flaws, but they won’t be the main focus.

Chekhov’s Gun? What’s That?

This is certainly not one of my biggest complaints about the movie, but it’s still really annoying. I have so many serious complaints about this film that even the relatively small ones are significant.

Stories oftentimes have surprises and twists, but those surprises and twists should still build on things that are already established. A good surprise isn’t something that no one could ever even imagine happening. In fact, with a good twist, you can look back at what happened before and see that it actually makes sense, that there were indications this was a possibility.

In sci-fi and fantasy settings, many things are possible that aren’t in the real world, but good writing makes establishing what is possible a priority. Introducing a major new fantastical aspect suddenly to make a dramatic plot change, with no prior indications anything like that was possible, is usually a bad idea, unless done carefully. And the farther you are into a setting, the worse it is, since people will naturally feel like they understand “the rules” of your world and will be annoyed if you suddenly change them.

Unfortunately, in The Last Jedi, Force powers we’ve never seen before in any of the many movies prior to this are suddenly introduced to make dramatic moments happen. If these force powers existing was so essential, the movie’s creators should’ve had the common courtesy to make them Chekhov’s guns – to let us know of their existence in a fairly minor way before using them for huge plot points. But that doesn’t happen, leaving me extremely annoyed. How are we supposed to have tension in this setting if the Force can just let characters do whatever the writer feels like?

The first major example of this happening is the scene of Leia flying through the vacuum of space using the Force and surviving. Not only is the Force letting you survive the vacuum of space a new invention of this movie that was not set up prior to this dramatic moment, but we also haven’t even been told about Leia learning how to use the Force. We know she’s Force-sensitive, but she hasn’t been shown actively doing things with the Force. But now, she can suddenly use the Force in a major way that we haven’t even been shown is a possibility for Force users to do! As a result, the drama, emotion and intensity of this scene are nullified and replaced by annoyance and amusement.

The other instance of this problem is the climax of the movie. Luke fights Kylo Ren, but it turns out it was just a Force-powered hologram. This was not established to be something a Force user could do in this film or any previous. Annoyingly enough, Rian Johnson (the movie’s writer and director) has apparently justified this by pointing out this ability being mentioned in a minor book that was already declared non-canon with the rest of the old Expanded Universe material. It’s frankly insulting to imply that obscure, non-canon supplementary material that the vast majority of your audience won’t even know about is adequate as setup!

There’s a lot of subjectivity in terms of how much setup is or is not needed for concepts in fantastical settings. But the Star Wars movies have given us so much exposure to Force users and their powers over the decades that radically different powers suddenly being introduced feels obtrusive. They’re not like superheroes who can have a wide range of different powers or traditional wizards that can learn all sorts of spells. Millions of people have a pretty solid idea in their head of what Jedi are capable of, so adding onto that is something that requires a lot more care than The Last Jedi took.

Tone and Humor

Unlike the above, I actually would consider this one of my biggest problems with The Last Jedi. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced a piece of media with as much of a tone issue as The Last Jedi. The movie as a whole feels depressing and hopeless, but it thinks nothing of interjecting childish, obtrusive humor at seemingly random times. It doesn’t help that this movie’s sense of humor doesn’t amuse me (despite me having a pretty immature sense of humor) or fit the Star Wars series. The humor doesn’t provide genuine levity or enhance the characters. It’s just there, sticking out like a sore thumb, providing nothing but annoyance. If anything, it makes the movie’s dour atmosphere feel more artificial and meaningless.

Humor can certainly work against a dark and sad backdrop, especially considering humor is often a coping mechanism that references the negative aspects of life. But here, I see no congruency between the sad atmosphere and the jokes. It’s not as though the tragedy of situations leads into the jokes in any way. We’re just feeling morose and then – bam! – (terrible) joke. Several times, these jokes happen right after cutting away from a different scene, and it’s not as though they’re referencing the scene that was cut away from. We just are thrown into a joke randomly.

There are further issues with the tone, but these overlap with the other big problem I’m going to discuss in this article, which is the film’s issue with theme.

Theme

Part 1: Hope and Bleakness

Ironically, though this is one of The Last Jedi’s greatest flaws to me, it’s also kind of one of its only good aspects. Because this movie touched on some intriguing themes that have a lot of potential in the context of Star Wars, but the exploration and development of these themes fails for me. There are multiple interesting themes The Last Jedi brings up but does not adequately resolve, but let’s start with the one that I already lead into with the previous section.

Just as The Last Jedi attempted to marry humor with its overall dark and dour atmosphere, it also sought to ultimately promote a theme of hope, particularly at the very end of the movie. In theory, this could be great – what’s better than encouraging people to find hope in the darkness? But the movie went so far with making the hero’s situation bleak (the Rebellion/Resistance is left with a dozen people and almost no resources!) that it honestly didn’t work for me. In order to promote a message of hope in such a context without it feeling artificial, it would have to honestly admit that the situation is, for all practical intents and purposes, hopeless, and that choosing to have hope is mostly for your own mental health as you simply try to survive.

To be clear, while it may be bleak, I think this is a fine thematic conclusion to have in a story. It feels horribly, grossly unfitting for Star Wars, but I might be able to appreciate it if it was well-executed. But that’s not what this movie did. After basically spending the whole movie assaulting the audience with negativity and hopelessness, it turned around and tried to make things straightforwardly hopeful at the very end. It was clearly trying to go for a “deconstruction and reconstruction” type of thing, but there was way too little of the “re” for it to work.

With most of its themes, it’s hard to tell what exactly The Last Jedi was trying to say, and they don’t dive deep enough into the themes for this to be OK. But I think I understand the hope theme…to some extent. Based on the hopelessness of the situation and the movie in general and the fact that the hope is caused by the formerly-failing Luke creating a hologram (but in a heroic fashion that is helpful and costs him his life), the movie is essentially trying to show heroism and therefore hope being fake and real at the same time. Luke has generally been a failure of a hero, but at the end he became a hero by projecting the illusion of heroism. I guess it’s trying to say that false hope can be genuinely helpful.

I think this is true to some extent, and maybe even a bit profound. False hope can become real hope because hope in general can inspire actions, and these actions can inspire further hope. But I don’t think the narrative supports the theme well enough, because to me, the situation still feels very hopeless. They try to show a random kid is Force-sensitive and inspired by Luke, which is nice, but is it really enough to turn this situation around? I guess the implication is that a lot of people around the galaxy will be inspired, but I don’t know if I buy that this will be enough to turn things around when it wasn’t long ago that the whole galaxy showed no interest in helping the Resistance. In short, I just don’t really believe that the hope generated by Luke’s action is going to be enough.

In the end, it almost makes everything feel bleaker, even though the movie is clearly trying to generate a genuinely hopeful feeling. Because the big “triumph of hope” is actually pretty lame. While thinking about it right now, I can appreciate there might be a deep idea here, but watching or thinking about the actual story undercuts it heavily.

Part 2: Other Themes

Some of the other themes in this film are developed and substantiated even more poorly than this. Because with the hope idea, the film is not that far from the theme working; if the hope actually made a big difference, it would work. Many of the other themes are a lot farther from actually saying anything.

In theory, one of the most interesting themes in this movie is Luke’s disillusionment with the Jedi, but the movie does a poor job portraying his exact perspective on the Jedi and what parts of his rejection are right or wrong. I loved the line where he said that the Force doesn’t belong to the Jedi and is beyond them; that actually felt profound, to point out that the spiritual exists on its own as its own thing rather than its existence being owed to or controlled by the practitioners of spirituality. I felt moved by that. But it’s just one line, and we don’t go into detail about it, or about the other concerns Luke has about the Jedi. Heck, I’m not even sure if Luke has a serious problem with the Jedi as an institution or if it’s just excuses for his self-pity.

There are other attempts at messages throughout the film, and I don’t want to go over every single one. But I’ll just point out a couple of others that annoyed me. The subplot with Admiral Holdo and Poe Dameron is deservedly infamous and seems to have a message about trusting or submitting to authority, which is not only ironic, but is also poorly justified, as the movie doesn’t do a good job demonstrating Holdo to be a leader worth following. This is not exactly a niche complaint, so I won’t belabor it.

This movie also seems to have some sort of theme about protecting good things being better than destroying bad things, which is most blatantly demonstrated when Rose tells Finn, “That’s how we’re gonna win. Not fighting what we hate. Saving what we love.” Frankly, I find this message…rather confusing and annoying. Surely saving what you love frequently requires fighting what you hate? Especially in a literal war? I’m not sure what they’re really trying to say here.

Conclusion

The Last Jedi is a fascinating movie to discuss and think about. It tries a lot of genuinely interesting things. And the fact that it failed pretty horribly in so many categories makes it all the more fascinating to me, honestly. It seems to me that two people can passionately hate The Last Jedi for entirely different reasons. I kind of love that. It’s a bad movie that has a lot of depth to its badness. I have a certain genuine appreciation for it taking such big swings, making such outlandish decisions, and trying to use some genuinely promising ideas, even if the end result is a film that’s extremely off-putting to me and many others.

Criticizing The Last Jedi is often stereotypically associated with being a “fanboy” or even being racist or sexist, but in my experience, this is often not the case. Sometimes dissecting why a movie didn’t work for you or many others can actually be a surprising enriching experience. Looking into and discussing a movie in-depth can be rewarding even if, well, you hate the movie.

That’s how I feel about The Last Jedi, at any rate. I don’t criticize it out of anger, but because it’s an interesting enough movie that it deserves to be dived into…even if it may feel like a dumpster dive in some ways.

[mephinomaly]

[TL] BIOHAZARD/Chapter 3

[ This post uses Ois~su ♪ ]

Time: The next day

Location: At 'AIIE', the fourth experiment facility, known as "CRADLE"

Tomoya: “Welcome! To the AIIE project’s fourth experiment facility, also known as CRADLE!”

Hajime: “Fufu, we are your Guide Robots, and we will be showing you around ♪”[1]

Koga: Huhh? Don’t suddenly start spewin’ nonsense terms, this ain’t a sci-fi movie ya know?

More importantly. What the hell you doin’ here, Ra*bits?

Tomoya: “Ah, we aren’t Ra*bits!”

Hajime: “We have been created for the AIIE project, or more specifically, we are AI idols!”

Koga: ...? ...?

Adonis: Are you really— are you really not Mashiro and Shino? Or are you just playing a part?

Tomoya: “Yep, we aren’t real!”

Hajime: “We have no affiliation with any real person or organisation!”

Koga: No connection, huh… Is that okay? Did you get permission from the real people t’do this?

Rei: Fumu. This isn’t meant to be me playing the old man character, I’m honestly just commenting plainly but - technology has advanced in leaps and bounds. Honestly, I really can’t keep up.

So these Mashiro-kun and Shino-kun lookalikes are rather peculiar. I suppose this beautiful scenery we’re seeing is also an illusion?

Kaoru: I feel like we're being conned. This place is supposed to be indoors, yet opening this ‘door’ reveals a gorgeous view with the sun shining brightly in the sky.

Adonis: This is what is called VR, or virtual reality. Via the contact lenses fitted in our eyes, we can see a reality that doesn’t actually exist.

Since we don’t know exactly where the walls and boundaries are, it's best if we do not move around too much.

Rei: Ah, ouchie!? I hit my head!

Kaoru: You alright, old man~...?

Rei: Mhm… From the outside, this building looked rather spacious but the reality is that it’s probably only the size of a school gymnasium.

As Adonis-kun quite rightly said, we should keep jumping and skipping around to a minimum.

Koga: You guys have bigger bodies than me so watch yourselves, alright?

Kaoru: Fufu. That’s why if you line us all up, Koga-kun’s only a wee little thing. The fans love it, they’re like “ooooh he’s so cute.”

Koga: HaaA? It might make you feel happy, but it don’t me. Feels like I’m bein’ made fun of, it’s uncomfortable.

You enjoy playin’ around with other people’s inferiority complexes for fun, dontcha?

Rei: Kukuku. What’s more important, we weren’t called out here to stand around, but what is it that we’re supposed to be doing?

The fact that we have answered our agency about this AIIE thingamabob is wonderful, but they still haven’t explained anything to us in any great amount of detail.

Hajime: “We will explain!”

Tomoya: “That’s what we’re here for!”

“The AIIE project, as the name suggests, is a project to ‘manufacture’ idols!”

Koga: This smells super fishy.

Rei: This is the kind of thing Tenshouin-kun would enjoy.

Though that is mere speculation. He’s probably taking advantage of this by being a sponsor of some sort.

Kaoru: Well, isn’t that kinda better than being involved in a shady private business’ experiment that you know nothing about?

Rei: I suppose so… Anyhow, I’m struggling to understand. What is an artificial idol? What does it do?

Hajime: “We can answer that!”

Tomoya: “We are your Guide Robots, and that’s our job!”

Rei: Well, as you’re not the real Ra*bits, I can take a guess as to what artificial idols do–

Hajime: “Yes. As we mentioned earlier, we are artificial idols created for the AIIE project.”

Tomoya: “To give a brief explanation, we are idols created in the image of real idols, copies so to speak.”

Hajime: “This involves copying the physical aspects of pre-existing idols and pasting them onto robots, and, using AI, we can replicate accurate speech patterns and behaviour.”

Tomoya: “So at a glance, we are the exact same as the real idols.”

Hajime: “Although with the current technology, it is not possible to create exact copies, therefore the result will be similar but not perfect.”

Tomoya: “With your cooperation, we can continue to experiment and improve our technology until we can even copy your fans.”

“—Soon, we will be able to create perfect replicas of your parents and siblings!”

[ ☆ ]

these 'versions' of tomoya and hajime speak in keigo, which is fancy fancy speak. it's what ibara speaks in, though unrelated to ibara. just an example!

Chapter 2

Chapter 4