#a single poo emoji what the actual fuck

[jo-does-things]

Had to go on Twitter for work which led to me noticing the doge meme instead of the Twitter logo which led to me learning from a Guardian article that the auto reply for Twitter's official media email account is apparently a single poop emoji and has been since late March and I am so beyond baffled that this is allegedly a real thing that is happening.

(ID: "Money. So Crypto.” An email requesting comment from Twitter’s press office received only the automatic response, a single poo emoji, that has sufficed for Twitter’s public relations operation since late March.)

Listen I know we've been spectating the Twitter trashfire for months but Genuinely what the fuck is going on here.

[error-404-fuck-not-found]

just bitching don't mind me

least popular opinion on this webbed site but if you're going to comment on a fic with just an emoji (or even a string of emojis) just don't fucking comment at all

you don't comment to tic off a box on a Good Fandom Consumer checklist, you do it to tell the author how much you liked their work in detail, or what specific things you liked. the generic "liked it" emoji-style response is already there in the form of kudos.

i open an email that says it's a new comment and it's that Good Place meme where it *PROMISES* it's a new comment and then i open it and it's just an emoji and the disappointment is real. getting my hopes up and then dashing them is worse than never having commented at all.

to anyone like "well i'd be happy with ANY comments" A) fuck off this isn't about you, i'm just venting my own personal beef here and it's got nothing to do with you; and B) why though? an emoji doesn't tell you anything a kudos doesn't. are you just trying to get your metrics up? fuck metrics, and fuck anyone who values them over substance. ao3 is not social media. are you "just happy someone put in the effort to tell me what they thought"? THEY LITERALLY DIDN'T. THEY COULD NOT BE ARSED TO TYPE A SINGLE WORD. if they actually cared about telling you what they thought, they would put in the tiniest ounce of effort in expressing that. instead they're doing this, because not commenting gets you poo-poo'd online and for no other reason. they're not doing it to compliment you, they're doing it to avoid criticism

i haven't gotten a single real comment in months. it's a slap in the face every time. every single time i open my inbox and see a new email from ao3 i'm charlie brown so hopeful that i'm gonna kick the football this time. this time it'll be a real comment for sure. it never is. patty's a real bitch sometimes.

leaving thoughtful comments is a real skill that takes effort, and that's why authors love getting comments in the first place. that's why comments are valuable. just spamming an emoji is not the same thing and if you think they are, you have fundamentally misunderstood what the point of a comment is. you're the parent promising a 16 year old a car for their birthday and then it's a hot wheels toy and it's fine and maybe even funny a time or two but after that it's just this cold miserable feeling of knowing nobody actually cares enough these days to type so much as three words in a row for you when you finished shitting out tens of thousands for them

[theropoda]

1, 3, 6, 8, 19 (I'm Gryffindor :3c), 22, 26, 29 Sorry that's a lot but I'm curious sjfhsh

HEY SORRY it took so fuckin long to reply, im really eager to answer but im also tired as fuck ugh….also dw about sending too many !! thank you for that actually!! again, putting under a readmore

1:if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to? answered already!

3: list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with. askin for my kin list huh….real sneaky of you…. honestly i have so many damn fandoms and so many damn characters in each, this is hard, but off the top off my head, narancia from jojo (we both didnt get a proper education and suck at maths...brothers in arms) the batter from OFF,, uhh god i honestly forgot what other fuckin fandoms im in,,,, OH um. that khajiit from the elder scrolls oblivion in the shivering isles who you have to kill but he just likes dogs :( and?? hmmm. james sunderland from silent hill? i didnt kill my spouse but we (handshake emoji) guilt shame and regret, also heather from, again, silent hill, and uhhmm.... thats all i can think of rn Fuck

6: are you religious/spiritual? kind of complicated answer but basically yeah, even though i don’t really connect with the religion i was raised as…? i’m not sure. i was raised as a muslim but never felt like one because i know like, nothing about the religion, so i’m not sure i consider myself one. i am trying to learn more about islam though but. Boy it’s not easy. but i am determined to learn as much as possible! but yeah i do believe in god

8: what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime? “lifetime” i assume this means artists ive listened to for a loooong time....  my answer would be AJJ, i don’t know when i started listening to them but it’s been a while now....three years? that’s the longest i’ve listened to one particular artist. but other than just period of time i’ve also felt connected to them for a long time. as i mentioned earlier they’ve been a big help for me when i was going through tough times. i’ve also listened to alias conrad coldwood ever since i played off which was like WAY back in 2014 or 2015, i don’t think i’ve ever found any other artist like him, and both his soundtrack for OFF and the thing’s he’s done outside of that are amazing and when i listen to his stuff i feel like this music was just. MADE for me, i was made for this music, like it’s a key and im a keyhole. i absolutely love crying girls especially it’s just fucking amazing and there’s not a SINGLE track on there i dont like holy FUCK i love that sound im gonna stop before this turns into an essay on why i love it but . ITs. Good.,

19: which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle? i don’t know much about harry potter, all i know is that slytherin is the Evil One so i’m going to assume that. but honestly i’d be a muggle (i hope im not using the word wrong, it means non-wizard right??)

22: list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order. umm...hm.. 

1. being on discord (if anyone is online lmao, thanks timezones)

2. browsing thru tumblr/twitter 

3. listening to music

4. taking a nap :)

5. drawing

26: how would you describe your gender/sexuality? ah easy! my gender is pee pee poo poo poo pee.... hm but for real it’s kinda complicated, been thinking maybe i’m genderfluid because my gender doesn’t seem to be constant. sometimes i’m more feminine, othertimes more masculine, sometimes both sometimes none, it changes...as for sexuality, god i don’t know lol it’s complicated...i think i fall for people regardless of gender? so maybe pan? because i’ve never felt gender to be a barrier to who i fall for, so long as they’re a wonderful person with a good heart my own heart will shit the bed...it’s all very (thinking emoji) but i’m figuring it out!!

29: three songs that you connect with right now.  i’ve did this already but i’ll do it again cause it’s fun!! stagnation by genesis, walk through the fire by peter gabriel, and running on a treadmill by oingo boingo!!

[starwitness42]

Holding the Stick (2/?)

Alec Lightwood has dreamed of hoisting Lord Stanley since he was eight. It's in his blood. He's spent the last five years trying to make that dream a reality, only managing to fall short each time.

Until a scandal leads to a multi-team trade that sends Magnus Bane his way. One of the top performing wingers in the league. An up and coming star.

And the most handsome man Alec has ever met.

He's doomed.

Chapter One

Magnus Bane has lost his cell phone. And perhaps his mind. But while it is entirely possible that he threw the former in the toilet last night because it would not shut up, he’s pretty sure the latter has been in the toilet for years. Decades, maybe even.

He’s saving the bathroom for last in his search because he does not wish to face that eventuality until he has exhausted all of his other options. And it’s not because he cannot afford a new phone – he could afford one made of solid gold, studded with diamonds if he were so inclined. But that phone contains some of his favorite photographs, many of them of stray felines that he comes across in his worldly travels. And if there’s one thing he has learned from watching far too much reality television it’s that you never put anything on the cloud.  

He finds it eventually underneath his pillows when he remembers that he shoved it there at some point because even with the ringer off and the phone face down, it was still emitting too much light for his sleep deprived eyes to handle. But when he flips it over and looks at the newly lit up screen, he starts to wish that he’d thrown it in the commode after all.

His texts are in the triple digits, and his voicemails aren’t much better. Which is strange given that most of the people he knows loathe actually speaking into a cell phone, even if they’re only speaking to an automated box. But there is one name that is sure to be mixed in repeatedly with all the rest on both ends, and so Magnus takes a deep breath and dials because when you’re ripping off a band aid, there is no point in doing it slowly.

“Where the hell have you been?” Cat asks before Magnus can even say hello.

“To the same place your civility has gone, I imagine,” he replies dryly. Literally dryly. After having slept for roughly eighteen hours straight, his mouth is so parched it feels sticky.

“I’ve been worried sick about you, Magnus,” she says, and he can hear that now. Her concern. Which is cute, given the way he hired her eight years ago because she was the biggest shark he could find.

“Now Catarina, why would you ever be worried about me? I am like a cat, remember? Throw me off a roof and I will simply land on my feet.”

“If you threw a cat off a roof it would splatter on the ground like a watermelon.”

Magnus pulls a face that Cat cannot see, so he makes sure the expression is latent in his voice when he says, “You are quite vile sometimes, has anyone ever told you that?”

“Yes. You. Last week.”

“That does sound like something I would do.”

“It sounds like something you just did,” she bites out, and something about the tone of her voice makes Magnus smile in spite of how she is clearly very, very annoyed with him.

“How did your meeting with the team go?” she asks before he can put into words how pleased he is to have her in his life, hissing in his ear.

“I told you how it went.”

“No, you sent me a text that said, and I quote: Met my new captain and my new coach. Coach seems nice. Captain is very tall. Looks like he’d be fun to climb though I’m not sure I’d be willing to risk the bark burn. And then you added three poo emojis and disappeared for twenty-four hours.”

“You did not call the cops, did you? Because I hear that they make you wait a full forty-eight before they’ll even listen to your pleas.”

“Magnus.”

He groans. “I was sleeping, Catarina. I passed out, probably drunk, and slept almost an entire day away in order to escape the reality of what my life has become. Is that what you wanted me to say?”

The words slip out of his mouth before he can catch them. And it’s embarrassing really, the way his hand literally rises to clasp over his mouth like some appalled character in a bad romcom. But apparently eighteen hours wasn’t enough to erase the hangover that comes with being outed on national television.

“Do you need me to come there?” she asks after a pause that feels worse than much of the last few days.

“You know how I feel about you acting thoughtful. It creeps me out.”

“Mags-”

“I do not need you to come here, Catarina,” he interrupts, using her full name because he does not wish for her to think that they are friends at the moment, even though she is the single best one he has.

“I have a morning skate to get to, teammates to bond with, and a game tonight. My schedule is all full up. Perhaps I can pencil you in for some hand holding sometime after the holidays.”

“Magnus.”

“You’re breaking up,” he says, making cracking sounds into the phone for effect even though he’s used that trick on her so many times she no longer believes it, if there were ever a single day when she did. “I need… to… f… you’re…”

He hits end and stuffs his phone back under his pillow before heading in to take a quick shower, because he knows if he brings the damn thing into the bathroom with him, it’s going in the toilet.

He is in a taxi roughly an hour later, which is roughly thirty minutes past when he was supposed to be at some place called Johnny’s Ice House for his morning skate. And he should really be concerned about being late his first time doing anything with his new team, but he’s fairly certain that if he had not spent the last half hour standing under a spray of scalding water, he would have ended up falling back into bed and not coming out at all.

The skate is optional, but Magnus knows that really only means for everyone else. As the new guy, his options are limited.

He also probably could have asked the team to send him a car, another limo perhaps, or a fancy Lincoln. But Magnus likes cabs. The foul smell, the cracked leather, and the deep feel of anonymity that he is currently enjoying, sunglasses strapped to his face and his head leaned back against the seat as he tries to steal a few more moments of peace before his day begins.

Before his new life begins.

“Is there any time of day when this city’s streets are not backed up?” he asks because sometimes, when he is bored and miserable, he likes to seek out idle chitchat with anyone that will have him.

Once, he spent forty-five minutes talking to a light pole. Granted, he did not know that it was a light pole for at least the first twenty or so minutes of the conversation, thank you tequila! But even after he realized his mistake, he still spent another twenty-five minutes chatting her up because he felt bad about just ditching her once he saw her for what she truly was.

“Not really,” the driver says solemnly in response to Magnus’ question. “There’s always somebody going somewhere. Or a lot of somebodies going a lot of somewheres.”

That… was an incredibly boring response. But in the driver’s defense, Magnus hadn’t exactly given him an Oscar worthy pitch. And so he’s racking his brain for a better conversation starter than might-as-well-have-asked-about-the-weather-traffic when the driver says, “You’re Magnus Bane, aren’t you?”

Something cold settles in Magnus’ stomach as he swallows through a strange lump that has mysteriously appeared in the center of his throat.

“Guilty as charged,” he replies, refusing to lift his head as he waits for whatever potentially derogatory thing the man will have to say next.

But instead of some sort of homophobic slur, he just says, “I’m glad you’re here. Our top line has been one-third shit for years.”

Magnus does tip his head up then, letting his sunglasses slide down his nose so that he can peer over them at the very husky, very blue-collar man currently holding his life in his could-crash-the-cab-at-any-moment hands. And as the man glances up at the rearview mirror, Magnus can see a smile on his lips. Which is… unexpected.

He says, “Thank you,” because he cannot seem to conjure any better words.

The man nods. “No, thank you. And fuck Detroit.”

That… was an odd thing to say. But the man says it with such enthusiasm, such heart, that Magnus finds himself echoing an even more rousing, “Yes, fuck Detroit indeed!” because clearly, it is very important to this dear hearted man that they… well… fuck Detroit.

Lightwood is waiting for him in the lobby of the rink once he arrives, and he can clearly see through the plate glass doors that he is pacing. Back and forth, back and forth, his hands shoved in his pockets, his head turned down to the ground. And it makes Magnus feel like he’s just been pulled out of class by an announcement over the loudspeaker, asking him to go to the principal’s office.

Not like that ever happened to him, of course. He was a perfect angel in school.

Lightwood looks incredibly put out when Magnus enters, though, stone cold hazel eyes sliding up to his face. And so the only words Magnus can find for the occasion are, “Sorry I’m late.”

He is not actually sorry, but he is late, so technically it is not a full lie.

“What?” Lightwood asks. “No. You’re not. I mean, you are, I guess, but Coach G is pretty lax with morning skates on game days, so you’re not late late. I was just… I wanted to make sure I was here. To greet you. That’s all.”

“That is very kind of you, Lightwood,” he says, but something about Magnus’ words makes his new captain’s face scrunch up like he just bit into a lemon. And not in the good salt and tequila shots way.

“Please, call me Alec. Lightwood is my father.”

Magnus remembers Robert Lightwood, one of the fiercest defensemen the Devils have ever seen. Alec comes from a long line of D-men, actually, like it is the family business. Only in that he at least managed to carve a small path of his own by becoming a forward.

“Then that is kind of you Alec,” Magnus corrects as he paints on a smile that he hopes looks at least moderately genuine.

“Can I… what do you like to be called? Bane or Magnus or-”

“Magnus is fine,” he interrupts gently, because he’s already getting the impression that that is one of the only ways to get Alec to stop stammering.

“Good. Great. Magnus. Welcome to the Ice House. If you want to follow me, I’ll show you where we gear up.”

For a privately owned practice rink outside of the stadium, this place is fairly impressive. But he’s spent the last four years of his career playing for a team that doesn’t even have an NHL caliber stadium yet, and so anything, really, is remarkable by comparison.

He feels instantly on edge once Alec points him to a locker with a practice jersey waiting for him, however. Because he’s been in locker rooms before, changed in front of countless men over the course of his career, but he’s never been in a room with just one other person like this. And given how tall, dark and handsome that other person is, there’s a very logical explanation for why Magnus’ throat is suddenly dry once more.  

Alec doesn’t seem to mind the situation, as evidenced by the way he strolls over to his own locker, pulling his t-shirt over his head as he moves. And Magnus is about to do the same as he takes a seat on the bench in front of his stall, he really is. He’s still a professional, after all. But then Alec sort of turns to the side and Magnus catches sight of a six-pack ending in a rather strange looking tattoo just over Alec’s left hip. And for a few moments, his brain simply stops functioning as it should.

“Magnus?” Alec asks some time later, there is really no way for Magnus to be sure how long. 

When Magnus looks up, it is obvious that he has been caught in the act of staring. But while some men might look at him with disgust – hell, some men on this team might look at him with disgust for daring to ogle their half-naked form, Alec seems… confused. Like he cannot comprehend why someone like Magnus would want to stare at someone like him.

“I’m back,” Magnus says with the brightest smile he owns. But his response only makes Alec’s face scrunch up more. And really, this is too much for so early in the day.

“Sorry,” he apologizes for the second time this morning. “I was just… um… admiring your ink. Your tattoo, I mean. It’s very… interesting.”

“Oh!” Alec says like now he gets it, which is far too adorable of a response for its own good. “Yeah, Jace and I got matching ones when we got drafted.”

“What is it?” he asks, as in an ironic twist of fate, Magnus actually finds himself legitimately interested in the strange design gracing Alec’s skin.

The question, however, does nothing to help Magnus’ other problems as the conversation actually prompts Alec to take a half dozen steps back in Magnus’ direction, like he wants to make sure Magnus gets a good look at the tattoo in question.

Attractive men should not be allowed to be that tall. Or that straight.

“It’s a Norse rune,” Alec says in this teacher voice that certainly does not make Magnus think things. “Jace is sort of obsessed with Norse mythology. He thinks he’s descended from Vikings.”

“Is he?”

Alec snorts. “No. But try convincing him of that. Anyway, like I said, this is one of their runes. It’s called oo-rooze. U-R-U-Z. It’s supposed to be for, like, strength and stamina and stuff.”

Alec is so close now, the tattoo in Magnus’ direct sight line, near enough to touch. And he has to literally restrain himself from reaching out to run his fingers along the mark because as much as Alec seems comfortable with sharing tales of teenage tattooing with him, Magnus is fairly certain that he is not up for fondling of any sort.

“Does it work?” he asks if only because he assumes that talking will keep him from drooling.

“I don’t know. I haven’t properly tested it out yet.”

That answer is… weird. Very, very weird. And Magnus cannot figure out why he finds it so weird until he trails his eyes up to Alec’s face and catches that something flash in his eyes again. That darkness from yesterday.

It’s gone within the span of a breath, though, and so is Alec. Magnus’ eyes stuck on the strong line of his shoulders as he makes his way back to his stall to gear up for practice. And Magnus follows suit this time for lack of anything more inappropriate to do.

Really, he usually has far more common sense and self control than this.

They take the ice together, Alec leading the way and Magnus following him. And he is so lost in the sensation of skates on ice again – something he honestly thought for a hot minute that he would lose once Cat called him and told him of the bomb that was about to drop on him – that he doesn’t realize that there is a man-shaped projectile coming at him until there are arms around his waist.

“Mags!” someone screams.

And there is actual joy in his own voice when he replies, “Raph!” as he allows Raphael to skate him all the way back to the boards.

In all of the hoopla, he had completely forgotten that Raphael Santiago has been playing for the Blackhawks for the past two years. But it is a gift here, now, to come to that discovery because at least there is one familiar face to latch onto as he moves forward.

“You two know each other?” Alec asks from where he is standing a few feet away, his arms crossed over his chest and his head tilted to the side like he is trying to analyze the scene before him.

“We used to play Bantam together,” Magnus says through the newly acquired looseness in his throat.

Alec looks to Raphael. “You didn’t tell me that.”

“Sorry, mom,” Raphael bites out. “I didn’t know I had to tell you who every single one of my friends was.”

Magnus is in the process of feeling appalled at how Raphael is speaking to his very kind, very tall captain, when said very kind, very tall captain says, “Fuck off, Santiago.”

Something may fritz a little bit in Magnus’ brain at that.

“Swear jar!” someone yells from behind Alec. The goalie, Lewis, first name Simon, Magnus thinks. Short but fast in the crease if he remembers correctly.

“You have a swear jar?” Magnus asks in surprise. But Wayland is the one to answer him, Jace, from where he skates up and rests beside Alec.

“Not all of us, just him,” he says as he wraps his arm around Alec’s shoulders. “The rest of us get to cuss like fucking sailors.”

“Fuck off, asshole,” Alec says as he shrugs Jace off of him. But he is actually doing something very odd here, Alec is. He is smiling. And not the ones Magnus is used to seeing on him, from the pictures in the papers of Alec and his beautiful, blonde girlfriend. There’s something devious in this one, something of the devil hidden at the edges, and it quite literally takes Magnus’ breath away.

“You know you love me, fucker,” Jace says with a wink as he skates backwards towards the center of the rink.

“In your dreams, dickhead!” Alec shouts after him.

But Jace just smiles even wider and replies, “Dreams, dick, and head? What the hell do you think about when you fall asleep at night?”

“I’m gonna fucking kill you,” Alec says before he skates off after Jace. And then he is on him. He is putting Jace in a headlock. He is tackling Jace to the ice. He is straddling Jace’s hips. And the pair of them are laughing. Laughing. And Magnus is so dizzy that he needs to lean against the boards just to stay upright.

“You all right there buddy?” Raphael asks a moment later, and Magnus has to blink out at him about a dozen times just to course correct.

“He has a personality,” he says almost weakly, because he’s shocked, plain and simple.

All he has ever seen of Alec Lightwood is what the news portrays. The sweet, buttoned up guy in the post games, or the tightly smiling, All American Poster Child with his perfect girlfriend who is also an athlete of some sort because of course she would be. Like a tennis player, probably. He seems like the type of guy that would date a tennis player. Only he’s not that guy. He is surly, gritty, and apparently lightly salted and Magnus has never felt so deceived in his entire life.

The media has lied to him, all this time. He really should file some kind of grievance.  

“Yeah, if you can call it that,” Raphael says. “Most of us just say that our captain is a raging dick.”

“I heard that!” Alec calls out from where he is still mock pummeling Jace on the ice.

“You were meant to, douche bag!”

And Magnus… well, frankly he has no idea what to do with any of this. But color him intrigued. And a little turned on.

Okay, after that thing in the locker room, more than a little turned on.

Since he is being paid to be here, however, being paid to play hockey, he shakes himself free of his own unhelpful thoughts and makes his way to the ice, finding more strength and focus the further he gets from the boards. And it feels good, he thinks. There is something about this team that feels good.

This team that appears to be entirely present today, even though they don’t have to be. This team that swears and laughs and jokes around in ways that his previous two NHL teams did not. This team that is young and vibrant and talented, sitting on the cusp of something great that they can all no doubt feel but something that has clearly not robbed them of the joy of this game. This team that is his now. And so even though he still has no idea what exactly it means, he finds himself thinking only two words that feel almost like a war cry as he joins the huddle currently forming around Coach G:

Fuck Detroit.

Detroit is lovely! I do not hate Detroit! But Hawks fans hate the Wings like nobody's business (not as much as the Blues, but still). And so "Fuck Detroit" is actually something that gets said around the city quite a lot. I feel like I might be apologizing to cities a lot in this fic...

[doom-ocean]

One of them blog surveys

Haven't done one of these in a while. Instead of having people ask me from a list of questions, I'm gonna do it old school and just answer all the questions listed. 1: How tall or short do you wish you were? I am fine with being 6 foot even 2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not) Do infinite wish granting genies count? 3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? plain ol jeans n tshirt 4: What was your favorite video game growing up? Star Ocean 2. 88 different fuckin endings! 5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: not being sober, hating life, aaaaaaaaaaaaaand I dunno, food. 6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? WARNING: MONSTROUS ASSHOLE 7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]? n/a 8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]: Unsurprisingly, melancholic. 9: Are you ticklish? Yes. 10: Are you allergic to anything? Stupidity! lololololololol. But actually, kind of allergic to the tree fluff in the spring, and possibly sunlight. I get lil hives in the summer time. 11: What’s your sexuality? Het'roseksuel 12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? Neither 13: Are you a cat or dog person? Cats over dogs. 14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? Vampire, I guess. 15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? No. 16: How tall are you? 6ft 17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? Farty McCrablice 18: How much do you weigh? been hovering in the 170s for a little while. Heaviest I've ever been. It's a big achievement for someone who has been disgustingly skinny his whol life. 19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? Tricky question. I'm like 90% sure I lived in a haunted house for a year, but haven't experienced much since then. 20: Do you like space or the ocean more? Both are equally terrifying, but space is cooler than the ocean, for sure. 21: Are you religious? Not at all. 22: Pet peeves? lol just about everything. So fuckin sick of it all. 23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal: Yes. 24: Favorite constellation? All are fine. Stars are neat to look at regardless of their formation from our perspective. 25: Favorite star? Betelgeuse. Only because every time I go outside at night I look up to see if it has exploded yet. 26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? uhhh... what? 27: Any phobias or fears? Drowning, falling, flying stinging insects. butterflies and moths. 28: Do you think global warming is real? It is, though I don't think it is as bad as hippies are trying to get us to believe. I grew up in a time where smoking indoors [including malls] was normal, so I know that a lot of smoke that can't leave combined with heat = more heat. On that note, China and India need to get their shit together. Carbon taxes are fucking stupid. 29: Do you believe in reincarnation? No, but it'd be cool to get another chance at life since I fucked this one up. 30: Favorite movie? None at the moment. Used to be Goonies. 31: Do you get scared easily? Not really. 32: How many pets have you owned in your lifetime? 3 kitties. 33: Blog rate? n/a 34: What is a color that calms you? smoked cannabis green. 35: Where would you like to travel and/or live? Meh, the way the world is going, nowhere is worth visiting. 36: Where were you born? Canada. 37: What is your eye color? Blue. 38: Introvert or extrovert? intro. 39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? Lol no. The position of the stars millions/billions of lightyears away ha no affect on a persons personality. 40: Hugs or kisses? I've gone many a year without either, and have grown accustomed to the lack of physical contact. The idea of either of those weirds me out, now. 41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? My best friend. 42: Who is someone you love deeply? n/a 43: Any piercings you want? had both my ears and my dingdong pierced at one point. Not any more. 44: Do you like tattoos and piercings? 10 years ago. 45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so? I smoked cigarettes for 13 years, switched to a vaporizer a year ago. 46: Talk about your crush, if you have one! n/a 47: What is a sound you really hate? metal scraping on metal/stone/ceramic. Harley Davidson motorcycles. 48: A sound you really love? Fart sounds. I will never not laugh at them. 49: Can you do a backflip? No. 50: Can you do the splits? Lol no. 51: Favorite actor and/or actress? n/a 52: Favorite movie? already asked. 53: How are you feeling right now? Sober and gassy. 54: What color would you like your hair to be right now? The way it is. 55: When did you feel happiest? Happiness is incidental and temporary. 56: Something that calms you down? the tweeds. 57: Have any mental disorders? some form of depression. Not going to find out as therapists are by and large feminist and I'd rather not be told I'm depressed because of my masculinity. Could you imagine if a therapist told a gay dude he'd be happier if he stopped acting so gay? Yeah. 58: What does your URL mean? I like doom metal, and the ocean is a common theme within the genre. 59: What three words describe you the most? Unpleasant. 60: Do you believe in evolution? It's not a belief. 61: What makes you unfollow a blog? Generally overt dogmatic beliefs of both religious and non religious varieties. 62: What makes you follow a blog? Something that makes me laugh, or in the case of this site, someone who seems to be level headed. 63: Favorite kind of person: someone that is smart enough to stay away from me. 64: Favorite animal(s): Cats of all kinds except the hairless ones. 65: Name three of your favorite blogs. matt ruins your shit, SYABM, (insert your name here). 66: Favorite emoticon: n/a (although you can tell how old this is as it is called an emoticon and not an emoji) 67: Favorite meme: hate me all you want, but 'poo in loo' made me laugh like a hyena when I first encountered it. Also the " I Do not associate with..." one because the kid's accent made it funny. 68: What is your MBTI personality type? no idea, not gonna bother with it 69: What is your star sign? the ram 70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? n/a 71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? I only rock jeans and a t shirt 72: Post a selfie or two? Easiest way to see what I look like is to go to your preferred search engine, go to the 'images' section and then type in "disgusting pile of shit" 73: Do you have platform shoes? I'm not short, nor am I a girl in the 70s or mid to late 90s. 74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? I am left handed. 75: Can you do a front flip? no. 76: Do you like birds? I. fucking. hate. birds. 77: Do you like to swim? No. Whenever I would go swimming, I'd always come close to drowning. I don't swim anymore. 78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? Skating probably, though I haven't done it since I was 12. 79: Something you wish didn’t exist: Winter. 80: Some thing you wish did exist: Matter transporters or replicators. Star Trek style. 81: Piercings you have? lready asked. 82: Something you really enjoy doing: Not much these days. The last Aalbum I wrote was titled Anhedonia.... kinda says it all. 83: Favorite person to talk to: My one and only friend. 84: What was your first impression of Tumblr? "Amateur porn that isn't terribly staged? Yes please! And then of course like a week after I join they got rid of all of it. Pff. Ams dildos. 85: How many followers do you have? one, I think. 86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? I don't run for anyone. 87: Do your socks always match? Yes. It bothers me immensely otherwise. 88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? I've never been able to do that. Need my hammies massaged and stretched. 89: What are your birthstones? Diamond I think. 90: If you were an animal, which one would you be? One that doesn't exist. 91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? Either a crapweed or stenchblossom. 92: A store you hate? WalMart. I used to work there. 93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? I don't drink coffee. Smells nice, but tastes awful. 94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? Read minds. 95: Do you like to wear camo? I am not a hick that listens to Five Finger Death Punch, so no. 96: Winter or summer? Summer always. Fuck winter. 97: How long can you hold your breath for? no idea. 98: Least favorite person? Most people, really. 99: Someone you look up to: people that are taller than me. Badumtsss. 100: A store you love? Guitar stores. 101: Favorite type of shoes: shoes that't don't wear out after 6 months. 102: Where do you live? Canada. 103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? No. 104: What is your favorite mineral or gem? Dunno.... emerald? 105: Do you drink milk? Occasionally. 106: Do you like bugs? Spiders and dragonflies are cool because they eat the shittier bugs, but generally, no. 107: Do you like spiders? See above. 108: Something you get paranoid about? People talking shit about me. Getting fired. Any time a boss type calls to me I get scared thinking I'm gonna get fired for being a piece of shit. 109: Can you draw: Sometimes I draw something awesome, but mostly I draw very poorly. 110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? "Are you single?" 111: A question you hate being asked? "Why don't you want a girlfriend?" 112: Ever been bitten by a spider? Not that I know of. 113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? Dunno. I've been at a lake with a sandy beach, but lakes don't really have waves like oceans do. I've never been to the ocean before. 114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? Either or. As long as it's not snowing. 115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: I'd like to give Christina Aguilera the ol in out, still. 116: Favorite cloud type: The big'ns. Cumulonimbus or whatever it is. 117: What color do you wish the sky was? Clear. Seeing the stars 24 hours a day would be sweet. 118: Do you have freckles? no. 119: Favorite thing about a person: rather non specific quesiton. I like a feminine figure. 120: Fruits or vegetables? Either or. 121: Something you want to do right now: Get hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. 122: Is the ocean or sky prettier? probably the sky. 123: Sweet or sour foods? sweet. Sour gives me heartburn these days :( 124: Bright or dim lights? in between 125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? No. 126: Something you hate about Tumblr: The same thing everyone else hates lol. Feminists and SJWs 127: Something you love about Tumblr: USED TO BE THE PORN. Pff 128: What do you think about the least? most things. 129: What would you want written on your tombstone? I don't intend to be buried. 130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? Many people.Bullies I had in school, former friends, etc. 131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? Being left handed. You have no fucking idea how much it sucks to play guitar as a lefty. Eithe guitars are cheap pieces of shit, or mad pricey 132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? No. I hate being picturelated 133: Computer or TV? Comp. 134: Do you like roller coasters? No. 135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? Never been on the sea. 136: Are your ears lobed or attached? My ears have lobes and are attached to my head. 137: Do you believe in karma? No. 138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? Cleaned up and on a good day from the right angle I could probably pass for a soft 5. 139: What nicknames do you have/have had? Fag was one of them. 140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? No. 141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? No. 142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? I'm not sure, but with the way things have gone for me probably bad. 143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? Meh. 144: What makes you angry. Most things. I am easily annoyed. 145: How many languages do you speak fluently? English. 146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? there are only males and females. 147: Are you androgynous? No. 148: Favorite physical thing about yourself: Occasionally i'm like "Snap I got a big one" but then reality kicks in. 149: Favorite thing about your personality: it keeps people away from me. 150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. I only know one person that isn't family. 151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? I'd go back to being 18 and do it all over again, hopefully with fewer mistakes. 152: Do you like BuzzFeed? Lol no. 153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.] n/a 154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? No. I'm not keen on physical contact. 155: Do you like to play with others’ hair? No. Gross. 156: What embarrasses you? Being alive. 157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: Being alive. 158: Biggest lie you have ever told: "I'm good" when asked "how are you?" 159: How many people are you following? like 6. 160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? more than one. 161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? none. 162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? none? 163: Last time you cried and why: My first cat had to be put down because of intestinal cancer. 164: Do you have long or short hair? Short. 165: Longest your hair has ever been: Past my shoulders. 166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religeon? While you could say that the big bang, and the idea of an all powerful being being equally ridiculous, the fact that one involves magic is what makes me stay away from it. So roughly 2000 years ago magic existed and people lived up to and well over 200 years old? Nah. 167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? Not really. It'd be a cool thing to know, but aside from that I don't think it has much to do with anything going on in our lives, or any future person's life. 168: Do you like to wear makeup? I do not. I didn't even like kissing girlfriends when they had lipstick on. I didn't like the feeling of shumutz on my lips. Also the waxy taste was weird. 169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? Back when I was a wee one I could do both.... while leaned up against a wall. 170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? Yes. OR DID I?

[thatguywhoreviews]

Baywatch

 It’s 1AM where I am right now. I should really be sleeping, but I’m not. I need to talk about what in the name of hell I’ve just sat through. It was two hours long. I could talk about the issues with each scene in-depth. I’ve just watched Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson swim through LITERAL FIRE.

 It.

Is.

The.

Worst.

Film.

 I.

Have.

Seen.

All.

Year.

  “And not a single fuck was given”

This quote was my reaction to every single joke that they attempted to even hint at in this entire movie. I didn’t laugh properly once. I cringed more than I laughed. The acting is awful, the character development is awful, the plot is worse than a fever dream that you dreamt up whilst you were drunk at a bar. And the CGI. Oh god, the CGI. The CGI is worse than that time you thought you were a genius and decided to dabble in the art of Scratch. Oh, you don’t believe me? Look at this.

That fire was an actual special effect used in the actual film that was actually released in 2017. I’ve watched three different films this year that at one point of another I’ve classed as the worst film I’ve ever seen. I’ve watched The Room (expect a review on that at some point) which I’ve recently came to love as a cheesy little independent film that grew well outside of its bubble and became a cult phenomenon. I’ve watched The Emoji Movie (Only expect me to review this if I run out of films that I want to review or find to review because I don’t normally put myself through filmic torture) which I’ve not came to love quite as much as The Room, but I have come to hate even more through the exposure it had in the media and the fact that it literally only exists to milk yet more money from the people who choose to see the film. Also, they got Sir Patrick Stewart to voice the Poo Emoji. SIR PATRICK STEWART. If that’s not a waste of the talent that you’ve got, then I don’t know what is.

Baywatch is the final film that I’ve watched this year that I’d class as the worst film I’ve seen all year and this time, I mean it completely. I sat watching this film with a look of utter contempt and hatred on my face that I don’t think I’ve ever had whilst watching any other film. I didn’t even laugh at the CGI, I felt like erupting into tears at every possible avenue. Everything in this film is made by people who don’t understand how films work and the worst thing is the actors that they got are actually pretty good in other things. The Rock has done so many films that by this point he’s almost a classic actor and he’s so much better than whatever this film is trying to be. Even Zac Efron and Alexandra Daddario can do SO much better than this. The characters all fit into heteronormative character stereotypes that I could literally write in my sleep (and yes, I think I could also write them better in my sleep thereby proving the fact that the writers were all high when they wrote this film).

You’ve got the geeky character (Played here awfully by Ronnie Greenbaum) who has fell in love with one of the lifeguards and wants to become a lifeguard just to impress her. He literally doesn’t even care about the massive responsibility and job that he has put on his own shoulders, he just wants to get this girl into bed and that’s literally his characters only motivation to do anything in this entire film, he’s given no character beyond that point.  You’ve got an Olympic Gold Medallist (Played here by probably the second strongest performer in this entire film, and the only one with any real charm, Zac Efron) who has been assigned to this beach for mysterious reasons and falls in love with yet another of the potential lifeguard candidates, Summer Quinn (Played by Alexandra Daddario), who has literally no character development in the film because, like both other female leads (Victoria Leeds (Played here by a seemingly bored Priyanka Chopra) and Stephanie Holden (Played by Ilfenesh Hadera, the less said about her performance here, the better), she was never given a character that could be developed. Every female character in this film is simply eye candy for the males and the film never even shies away from this fact, instead openly accepting it to a weird extent. Even the ‘nerdy’ character at the very least gets a modicum of character development, represented as a weird outcast who could never fit in and who, may I just add briefly, gets his penis stuck in a deckchair during the first half hour of the film and that joke can simply never be forgotten because the implications of it are simply horrifying. Like, what happened next? Did it get ripped off? Is it still there to this day? Is it in a museum collecting pieces of memorabilia that document accurately quite how this travesty of a film actually got the chance to ever be made and somehow made it to a cinema screen rather than a television screen, which incidentally would have actually made it better because I feel like I could deal with this time in small bite sized chunks (or at the very least, it would have meant I didn’t have the misfortune of seeing this movie). I’d also just like to point out that as much as Efrons character seemingly messed up, the treatment he’s given throughout the film really doesn’t represent this well in the slightest and there was no point in making him an Olympic Gold Medallist. In fact, I feel like the only reason they even made him a gold medallist is so that he had a reason to have a body that looks like it was ripped straight out of God’s Favourite Bodies and a reason to have a ‘complex’ plot based around the fact that, oh yeah, he was a gold medallist.

“Fire?! What does that mean?!”

Oh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. You want me to talk about the CGI used in the film. Fine. But don’t expect this section to be short or even fun. Wait a second. That’s exactly how I’d describe the atrocious CGI that’s used in this film!

 This film literally has some of the worst special effects I’ve seen all year. This year has actually been one of my favourite years in cinema (due to the fact that so many good films have come out this year and I love them all) and I’ve adored some of the effects I’ve seen this year, yet this film couldn’t even be bothered to render something approaching realistic fire. Like, seriously I’ve already shown you this stuff and if you reacted in anything even approaching a similar way to how I reacted to the CGI, you almost died with laughter and then slowly stopped laughing as you realised that this was a still that was actually taken from the film. You know what, it’s easier to show you a comparison of this film and another film that was realised this year. It’s important here that we ignore budget because if you stretch your money enough you can do anything with even the smallest amount of money. You ready? Look at this.

 Did you take a good wide berth at it? That first still at the top is taken from Blade Runner 2049, an incredibly well made, well directed and brilliantly acted film that, like Baywatch (a name I can’t even think about anymore without wanted to walk outside, wait for somebody to walk past me, knock them out and then proceed to kill them and hide the body), was released in 2017. Yes, you read that right. It came out this year. That still at the bottom is taken from, you guessed it, Baywatch. Please, tell me if I’m wrong, but I don’t see special effects in the Baywatch still. I see somebody who has thrown paint at a landscape painting of a boat and said “Yeah, I think that’ll do it”. I just refuse to believe that this is what film studios have become these days, desperate money hungry husks of what they used to be.

There’s more examples like this in the film and they’re all as bad as the fire scene that you’ve just had the displeasure of looking at. God, I can’t even look at it without screaming internally in a manner that implies my eyes are melting and I’m losing the will to live. There’s a scene that is thankfully very late in the film (thankful in the sense that you don’t have too much of this abysmally made disgusting train wreck to watch after you’ve seen these scenes) that involves a large number of fireworks, a gun and the top of a large tower. Suffice to say, The Rock is shot for what seems like the ten millionth time at this point and it looks like the bad guy has won (more to be said on her later, but suffice to say I have more than a few little bones to pick with her and her scheme that is borderline insane to a level never seen in film before) and then the bad guy (who I’m going to admit right here, I don’t even know her name. I don’t even know if they said it in the film, if they did I can’t remember it, but it wouldn’t exactly surprise me if they didn’t even bother to properly characterise their villain and just kept them as a mysterious presence that isn’t even that mysterious) is distracted by pretty fireworks. Yes. You read that. That actually happened. The villain of the piece, the woman who shot THE ROCK for gods sake, the woman who is seemingly about to make millions of dollars from drug and property sales is distracted by a few pretty fireworks which makes it seemingly impossible for her helicopter to pick her up. And the firework CGI is also pretty poor by the standards that we’ve (very much rightly) came to expect from any film that has been released in 2017 (we got Thor: Ragnarok this year for Christ’s sake). There’s nothing redeeming about the CGI in this film, something that will likely not surprise you as I am a strong believer that this entire film literally has no good or even believably decent moments.

 “It’s not about the drugs for Leeds”

Leeds! That’s the name of the villain of the piece! I can’t believe I forgot her name! Oh wait, I can. Just like I can voluntarily forgot every single moment of this film and feel all the better for having do so.

She’s an awful mockery of what could have been really quite the fun character and yet just…. isn’t. At all. She’s not fun. She’s not funny. She doesn’t even have a half-decent plan which, as a, y’know, villain, is the only reason that she even exists in the film in the bloody first place.  Her plan is to sell drugs and make enough money to….do what exactly? It’s never even explained why she wants this money, just that she wants money so she can have money. It’s never actually explained what she’s going to spend that money on and we’ll never find out the reasons because by the end of the film she’s dead.

 “That’s not how this story ends, Mitch”

Actually, yes it is. This film is the complete antithesis to anything that a good film should be and I wouldn’t even wish this upon my worst enemy.

0/10- It’s really that bad. I wouldn’t even recommend watching this film as part of a marathon of bad films. If anybody ever gets you this film as a gift and thinks that by buying you this film that they’ve carried out a good deed, burn the DVD in front of their eyes and then slap the person who bought you the film, clearly they don’t care about you in the slightest and they just want to laugh as they watch you suffer in what will be something approaching silent and unparalleled horror at whatever you’ve just pressed play on.