#a psa- lots of empty blogs following me lately

[smileysuh]

This is a reminder to new Tumblr users- we have a BOT problem here, so if you have one of the default icons and NOTHING on your blog (no reblogs or posts or anything) many writers will assume you’re a bot and block you- please change your icons and reblog/post a few things so people know you’re a real human- or risk getting a block!

Also I think something like 1/3rd of users still don’t know about the content warnings now in place, so look into that and make sure your settings are checked to show you smut, or risk not seeing work from your favourite authors for that reason too

[enruiinas]

Interaction PSA: Memes

[With less time to RP lately, I've had to be more selective and realized I often find myself browsing new followers' blogs for the types of PSAs they post/rb. Things like their meme and writing preferences, expectations for reply times, etc. They help me get an idea of if we'll be a good "vibe" or not, so I wanted to add a PSA / Interacting Info section back to my pinned with some (hopefully!) helpful info.]

♥ My memes have no expiration date. I go back through them regularly and if there are ones I no longer feel like doing, If it's in my meme tag, you're welcome to send it no matter how long it's been since I rb'd it.

♥ Memes are always welcome & a great ice breaker. If you're a new mutual and aren't sure how to reach out ic or ooc, memes are always a great option. Chances are, if you send me a meme for the first time and we haven't talked yet, I'll likely crawl into your IMs to say hello and thank you for sending something, so it's kind of two birds with one stone. (I am shy, but less shy when I know someone wants to interact enough to send something.)

♥ Multiple memes are not only welcome, but encouraged. I LOVE having options to choose from. My muse is sporadic and unpredictable. Some days I'm in an angst mode. Some days I just want fluff. Sometimes my brain just doesn't want to give me anything for a particular meme for a long time. I feel really guilty keeping people waiting for a reply if I don't get quick muse for the one & only thing they've sent in, so I promise you're both doing me a favor and making my day if you send me more than one thing.

♥ And no, I'm not exaggerating when I say there is no limit. You're not "spamming me", you're not "bugging me", you're not sending "too much". I light up each time I see "new ask received", so as long as you know they may not all get responded to right away / in order / in a "quick" manner and understand that I may still rb memes or post and/or like meme & starter calls even if my inbox is not empty, seriously - go for it. Feel free to keep sending even if I haven’t finished all of yours yet.

♥ In the case of new interactions, I will likely reach out to bounce ideas/thoughts for answering a meme. I don't mean this to be uncreative or annoying, but sometimes I freeze up when things are too open / have infinite possibilities. I do better with light discussion, outlining, or some plotting. If I reach out like this it's because I'm really excited and just want to bounce thoughts off of you to break that ice and get my brain cells working. I generally feel more comfortable winging it as I get to know a mun, but I enjoy plotting in general so if that’s your thing we can plot as much as you want, always!

♥ On NSFW Memes: This is the only exception to the above rules. Sinday and other spicy memes are reserved for active ships ONLY. I'm a selective shipper, and shipping generally depends on good chemistry between both the muns and our muses. I feel like you'll probably know if we have what I consider an "active ship", but pretty much if we'd had the "would you be interested in shipping" discussion and gushed to some extent about their dynamic (whether it's fully written out in threads yet or not), I consider you an "active ship". I timeline hop and write lots of verses, so our threads do not have to be linear. Like with any other meme, I may hold on to one until I get a good idea for it or feel like it fits or I've asked some questions I need to know first - but if we have agreed to ship and bounced any ideas on how we think our muses' overall dynamic will go, you can send these!

In the event of NSFW memes received outside of active ships, I will either reply in a different, PG/platonic context or - if that's not possible - delete the meme.

Other PSAs: Memes, Plotting, On Verses & Verse-Building, General RP Preferences (Coming Soon), OOC interactions (Coming Soon), Mutuals & Affiliates (Coming Soon), ALL PSAs.

[lockejhaven]

I posted 1,444 times in 2022

That's 1,359 more posts than 2021!

202 posts created (14%)

1,242 posts reblogged (86%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@lockejhaven

@365runesofwriting

@midnight-and-his-melodiverse

@queerlilchinchin

@enchanted-lightning-aes

I tagged 1,337 of my posts in 2022

Only 7% of my posts had no tags

#0 - 67 posts

#other writers - 184 posts

#answers - 115 posts

#others' writing - 98 posts

#locket rambles - 96 posts

#lockejhaven - 89 posts

#others writing - 84 posts

#resources - 84 posts

#inspo - 71 posts

#boop - 70 posts

Longest Tag: 69 characters

#feel free to confront me directly so i can fix what my brain has done

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

»»—————————-　𓆩❤︎𓆪　—————————-««

rage of the kindhearted is an astounding tragedy.

it commands a silence, a long-awaited recognition from those that mistake it for weakness.

it condemns such broken judgement, that swallows respect as if unconditional, and consumes patience as if infinite.

it pounces at throats laid bare, long past a futile snarl of warning, chest aching with inconsolable defeat.

and above all else, rage of the kindhearted is an imminent ending.

»»—————————-　𓆩❤︎𓆪　—————————-««

~ Of Fables & Feathers,

🕊️ Locke J. Haven

locket’s tags:  ╔═════════════════════╗

@365runesofwriting@enchanted-lightning-aes@thepixiediaries@midnight-and-his-melodiverse@perasperaadastrawriting@fearofahumanplanet@orphicpoieses@thepoetpromptsociety[ your tag could be here... ]

╚═════════════════════╝

35 notes - Posted August 29, 2022

#4

“I never stood a chance, did I?”

“That, my love, is the tragedy of it all. Once, you did.” Spirit crouches down beside Warlock, listening to their rasping breaths. Her empathy is empty. Her words drip with hollow meaning.  “When you stood by my side; when you understood the joy and worth of the world, you had as many chances as you could have wanted. Instead, you just had to follow your destiny.”

Warlock laughs. A brittle sound, dragging and clawing its way up their smoke-scorched throat. “There is no chance with people like you. People too caught up in their own definitions of right and wrong. While you kill those that may threaten the peace, I stand alone for the innocent.” They break off into a coughing fit before determination spurs them to continue, “That truth will follow you. It will settle at the bottom of your stomach, until one day, you will find yourself overcome with the burden of your actions.”

--

locket's tags:   @365runesofwriting  @enchanted-lightning-aes  @thepixiediaries  @midnight-and-his-melodiverse  @perasperaadastrawriting @fearofahumanplanet

44 notes - Posted September 17, 2022

#3

↪ 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚖𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝 + 𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚎𝚝 --- a notion template

»»—————————-　𓆩❤︎𓆪　—————————-««

Hello, my sprites!

I've been super busy lately with organizing my characters, and as I was working, I had the idea to make a notion template based on my own masterlist. The template includes a general masterlist page and a character sheet template. There are two versions available with different fonts for legibility vs. aesthetic.

Please reblog if you use this!

VERSION 01 Default

See the full post

67 notes - Posted October 19, 2022

#2

a writeblr masterlist

Hello hello! I've made a masterlist for aaaalll of tumblrs writers to apply to! All are welcome; simply fill out the form, and I'll add you!

Please make sure that... - the icon you link is 200px by 200px - your description is as short as possible - you have only linked one blog for the masterlist

the form // the masterlist

91 notes - Posted September 2, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

PSA

Tumblr is struggling right now.

I know a lot of veteran users are a bit nervous; that we'll lose the one 'typical internet hellsite' to the 'capitalist hell' that has taken over most other popular media sites.

But that is exactly why it is INCREDIBLY important to educate the new users, and not just, try to scare them off. Education is the biggest way to gain allies and keep the site as we like it.

The site with blogs based on creativity; on stories. On art and writing and music, and NOT advertisement and force-fed content lacking critical thinking.

It's going to take a lot of energy, I know. And it's a serious pain in the ass that this has happened during NANO, of all times. But if we want to keep our safe space, it's necessary.

So if you see a user follow you, and they have nothing to their blog, give them the benefit of the doubt. Tell them about how NOT to look like a bot, and direct them to some tumblr guides.

Educate users on why we like this site, and what we can do to keep the freedom we have. And why that freedom is a good thing.

Our strongest defense is education.

Please, please reblog this, along with any and all guides you find. Share resources on other platforms. Send them to your non-tumblr friends.

899 notes - Posted November 7, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[malignedaffairs]

Time for a new PSA:

So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about when you’re fairly popular for some artworks that weird thing happens when people start putting you on a huge pedestal for it, only to turn on you openly or behind your back as soon as the perfection they project on you starts crumbling.

I know it’s unavoidable to some extent, because internet profiles give such a limited impression of the person behind them. You build a mental image based on the scraps you see. So much so that for some people, the concept that there is a real, complex person behind them seems to blur behind the artworks or writing or whatever else they create.

People often distinguish between “art blogs” and “personal blogs”, but thinking about it there’s nothing more personal to me than my art blog. You don’t have to know why I draw the things I draw (although if I like you, I might not shut up about it if you get me started!), and you don’t have to like everything I draw or say. I don’t care if you follow me for only one aspect and dislike other things. But this being a very personal thing to me also means I’m vulnerable in ways that might not seem obvious.

Nothing, not big life changes, not real life drama, not a huge workload, has ever been as demotivating to me in regards to drawing as being judged as a person based on the content I choose to draw. I’m confident enough that it won’t make me stop, but it still affects me. It has made me wary of certain types of attitudes I see. “Everyone can ship what they like, it’s all about the fun, UNLESS YOU SHIP X, then you’re gross and need help” (which, in all honesty, is a joke in itself to a person who provides that kind of help professionally – you frankly have no idea what you’re talking about and it shows). It’s not important to me if our likes don’t match, but it’s very important to me how you deal with the things you don’t like. Do you shame people for engaging in fiction in a way you don’t like? Do you engage in drama about characters and pairings you hate? Then you’re making me uncomfortable. Even if we happen to hate the same things. And angry, because I know I’m not the only one that has been producing part of the content you so gladly consume for years and now feels on edge about posting as freely as they used to because of people like you. So much beautiful things we’ve all missed out on because not everyone can or wants to deal with that hostility. And to preserve my ongoing motivation to focus on what made me come here, to protect my peace of mind, I might then need to take measures so I don’t have to see you and don’t have to deal with the uneasy feeling that you have access to me. My accounts are no public museums you’ve payed for with your taxes, so I owe you no accessibility, no time, no explanation and no energy. You can take it personally as much as the mental image I have of you based on how you act online is a representation of you, but I’m sure there’s much more to you than that, so my actions are not meant to insult you. I just don’t like being put on a pedestal based on random whims and unreasonable expectations, because standing up there feels empty and falling down sucks every single time.

[whovianfloozy]

A PSA re: following

I've gotten quite a lot of new followers lately, and I've noticed an increasing  number are from blogs with no avatar, no description (side blog for...), and no entries. Like most of us I do check up on new followers to see if I might like to follow you back (yay!) or if you're a porn blog, Nazi, etc. (boo!).

I usually block empty blogs. Frankly I find them creepy-- like "I can see you but you can't see me". What are you hiding? Yes, it could be the side blog of a lovely creative person but unless you indicate that we can't tell and we both miss out on making a new friend.

[thegoodhausfrau]

Your response kind of exemplifies what I mean by standoffish. I gave you an honest response to your last post about people not interacting with you and came away with a response that felt like you were talking down to me and making a lot of assumptions about my character. WRT empty blog/introducing myself - I have no expectation of being friends with everyone, sometimes I might just want to send the occasional ask to get your opinion on something. I do it anon because if I didn't I'd be blocked.

I wasn’t talking about your character, Shades. I said GENERALLY because generally those are the reasons for blank blogs. You’re not the only blank blog lurker around here. It was for everybody to read. Besides, you’re the one who came in here making a lot of assumptions about me. Standoffish by definition is not what that last response was either. “Well that’s just like your opinion, man” would have been an easy dismissal. Instead I wrote out a nice reply and offered suggestions on how to make yourself a Tumblr pal should you be inclined. I have had a lot of decent interactions with people lately, but as I get new followers all the time I post refreshers. It’s not the first time I’ve said any of that stuff and it won’t be the last. May 2018, August 2018, September 2018, November 2018, January 2019, March 2019, May 2019 and again May, June 2019 are some of my PSA posts where I talk about what kind of interaction I like and what kind I don’t. Spoiler alert- most interaction here is sexual which I hate.

I never apologize for having standards. If you can’t be enthusiastic about me I have no use for you. I want friends who message me all excited about something. I want friends who take pics of something they think will make me smile or something ridiculous so I can send a snarky response. I have no time for people who can’t appreciate me. With me it’s black and white, all or nothing. I dismiss people on here not because I think I’m better than they are, but because I know they are not the people for me.

I don’t block people that send me asks that have blank blogs. I’ve even published them when they had ridiculous dick pic icons. There was one ask where someone complained that I blocked them but they didn’t bother to follow up to say what kind of page they had that I blocked them for. Is this you? Are you the bloody pad fapper? Oh I’ve been waiting for this day. 

[botanistlester]

Hello! I’m new to the phantom and my friend told me to check out your blog so I have a couple questions: - Best videos to watch? (Dan or Phil or Both) - Some fics to read? - Other cool peeps to follow Thanks! :)

oh boy this is exciting! i’ll try my best but i’ll probs forget a lot bc i’m a dummy ^-^ here’s an intro to the phandom!

Phil Videos

I Read a Letter From My Younger SelfViewers Pick My Outfits!DIY GLOW IN THE DARK FLUFFY SLIME!TRY NOT TO CRINGE - My Dating Emails6 Things I Regret Buying!A Sleepless Night With Phil

Dan Videos

What NOT to do at UniversityPSA: Stop Emo ShamingDan’s Diss Track - ROAST YOURSELF CHALLENGEThe Top Dan Memes of 2015Our List of Awkward MomentsWhat not to do at The BeachDaniel and Depression

Both

Giving The People What They WantHalloween Baking - Creepy Crispy Cakes CONJOINED CHALLENGE!A Week in the Life of Dan and Phil!Dan and Phil AND DOGS!Phil is not on fire 9Dan and Phil PASTEL EDITS IN REAL LIFE!A Festive Day in the Life of Dan and Phil!

Fanfictions

(this is a bit long)

Got the Glow in Our Mouths (ao3) - @hunterfics

Summary: “We sat together in Chemistry,“ Dan whispers, and Phil says, “yep,” and that’s how it starts. (a high school au where Dan finds Phil and Phil finds his footing)

Ships that pass in the night (ao3) - @agingphangirl (Madophelia)

Summary: Dan and Phil are YouTubers. The catch? They’ve never met, and Phil doesn’t want them to.

Your Petals Are My Thorns - @theshyauthor

Summary: (ao3) Dan likes flowers. That’s why he grows them on his thighs whenever he has forbidden thoughts about other men. When Phil comes into his life, Dan’s small garden grows into a field.

Let Me Down Gently - @ineverhadmyinternetphase

Summary:  AU in which Dan is (briefly) a lawyer, until he gets fired and kicked out by his girlfriend. Wandering alone at night looking for a place to stay, he happens across a slightly strange man who introduces himself as Phil and who owns a B&B. Without much choice, Dan takes up the offer to stay there, and quickly grows to have a certain fondness for Phil. There’s only one problem: Phil runs the B&B with his long-term partner Alex.

36 Questions - nokomisfics

Summary: Dan’s looking at him with that glint in his eye, that it’s-four-AM-I-am-the-opposite-of-sober-right-now look that Phil hasn’t seen in a while, and Dan hasn’t even suggested anything yet but he already knows he’s screwed. [or, the one in which Dan and Phil try out Dr. Avon’s experiment]

Blue - @washedoutgay

Summary: Dan is an artist who sees people as colours and Phil needs money.

But We Were In Screaming Colour - @calistaesthetic, @slimeboyhowell

Summary: au in which artist!dan’s idea of a romantic first date involves interrupting phil’s dissertation research and having sex in a pile of paint. this is their whirlwind relationship, as told in acrylic and prose.

I Dare You To Love Me (ao3) - starrywrite

Summary: Dan owns a popular flower shop and has more of a passion for flowers than he does for people. That is, until Phil stumbles into his shop - and consequently into his life as the two develop a fast friendship and Dan finds himself all but infatuated with him. But there’s a problem: Phil’s engaged and Dan is the florist for his wedding. And even more complications arise when Phil begins questioning everything he’s ever known about love - and himself - when he realizes that the path to true love isn’t always… straight.

Burn and Bloom (ao3) - @jilliancares

Summary: Phil’s been hiding the fact that he’s an Earthbender for ten years, ever since it’s been considered illegal when the Fire Nation invaded. And, of course, the only solution to a random Fire Nation soldier seeing him earthbending is to kidnap him, right?

Chocolate Ice Cream and Bourbon -  @daeguk

Summary: After Dan meets Phil, their love reminds him never to fall in love with a writer unless he wants his ashes scattered into letters.

Closed Eyes (ao3) - Phanallamallama

Summary: Dan thought that brushing those few hairs out of Phil’s eyes would be nice, maybe placing their lips together and just lying with him as more than friends would be good too. But then he remembered Phil wasn’t there. Now those feelings felt bitter and the side of his bed that used to be owned was empty and colder than he remembered.

Happily Ever After (ao3) - @adorkablephil (kimberly_a)

Summary: Dan proposes marriage, but Phil’s reaction isn’t quite what he’d been expecting or hoping for.

Renegade - @awesomesockes

Summary: (tw) It’s World War 2. Phil, a young German soldier, is stationed in Denmark. There he meets Dan - a rebellious Danish school boy who is intent on making his job hell. But before long, they realise they have more in common than they’d have thought. How do you hide a friendship when you come from two different sides of a war?

So Many Stars - @transdimensional-void

Summary: After graduating with his law degree, Dan decides to move to Japan to teach English for a year.

Things That No Longer Need Mention (ao3) - abriata

Summary: The kissing doesn’t stop.

Two weeks later, Dan has a hand in Phil’s hair and Phil’s hand on his spine and he basically can’t feel his mouth anymore, and they were supposed to have left for the BBC ten minutes ago.

Dan still has no idea why Phil is doing the kissing thing, but it’s definitely too late to ask now.

Unashamed, wide open for joy (ao3) - @queerofcups

Summary: Dan laughs a little and says, “Oh, I, ah. I make videos. For people. Online.”“Oh!” Phil says, sounding a little surprised, but not put off. He laughs quietly, almost to himself, and says, “I do too, actually.”It turns out, “I make videos for the internet” can have multiple meanings.

Watchful - @cafephan

Summary: (ao3) Phil is part of one of the world’s most famous paranormal investigator groups, along with his friends Joe, Zoe and Louise. The never before investigated Harrowick Penitentiary catches the group’s attention, and they settle in the town for a week long investigation. Most importantly, they hope to make contact with one spirit in particular, Dan Howell, who was falsely imprisoned for a crime he didn’t commit, and was murdered in the building. When Dan becomes attached to Phil, things become a lot more complicated.

Blogs to Follow

@cafephan @phanfic @phanfictioncatalogue @jilliancares @haleykynz @dqnielhowell @fondestphan @optimistphan @adorkablephil @agingphangirl @pseudophan @scifiphan @lillianwrites @mariitheredgirl @honeybearhowell @phandommother @dandelionisonfire @simonspierdisastergay @coldphannie @moon-boye @analester @artlessdynamite @boncasphan @cherryscentedlube @shibehxwell @astronomerhxwell @danfanciesphil @deathclassic @domesticbanting @sleeplessnightwithphan @iihappydaysii @instarbuckswithdan @incaseyouart @legdabs @manilovedan @moonchair @octoberninteenth @philester @p-hantasticpheels @partlycharlie @phandomsub @phloridas @tatinoffs @wispyphil @pasteldanhowells @ineverhadmyinternetphase

ive definitely forgotten a shitton of amazing blogs but these are some that i thought of off the top of my head! i hope this helps!

[tobns]

i’ve been doing a lot of retrospection and digging pretty deeply inside myself over the last few days about the last five and a quarter years on here and i just wanted to...i dunno, spill? you don’t have to read this at all, by any means, but this is my blog and i post what i want to at the end of the day so yep

for some reason i’ve just been like...diving back into a lot of my old stuff as of lately? i'm talking like, thg era here (and if you have been around long enough to know what i am referring to, then my god you deserve an award) and i'm just like, realizing how kinda obnoxious i was, lmao??? back in the day i never really "gave out my age" because i liked having that card, i liked having a tiny bit of anonymity since i pretty much shared my WHOLE life on here, and now i just like openly advertise it because really what else do i have to lose at this poin, and i think some of you were incredibly gracious in upping my age when you'd guess - i was fourteen, and i was having such a wonderful life going on in the real world and i still felt kinda empty, so as any wise fourteen year old would, i turned to the internet

genius, em, really

but yeah, i was fourteen and kinda lonely and so when people showed me and what i enjoyed a little attention, i kinda ran off the deep end with it? i look back now at nineteen and i see some of the stuff i said, the way i'd react to things, my mannerisms, my decisions, even my excessive use of the unicode heart and 'xD' and 'hahahahahaha' and i realize i so did not need a lot of what i got on here, attention-wise? like, you wonder why child stars "Go Crazy" and then you look back, at nineteen, and you see what happens when someone gives your fourteen year old self ANY sort of audience and it's just like...nooooo!!!!! 

and then it moves back even further to the point where it's like, well, what was i looking at when i was fourteen, maybe even before that and first got on the internet?

and i started reflecting on the fact that internet culture has rapidly, rapidly changed SO much over the last several years alone; forget about me posting hella cringe stories and songs and reacting to “haters�� the way i did, i realize that i saw a lot of things i saw other people get away with and i was like "psh, oh yeah, i can do that!" and i couldn't, whether it was acting/reacting a certain way or doing something, etc., and i look back now and i like want to completely burn myself off the face of the earth for doing it but at the time, i don't think i really knew any better, i guess?? no one had told the people i'd been inspired by that what they'd been doing was wrong, and so i was under the impression i could do it too and not come under heavy fire, and once again, it all comes back to the fact that there are impressionable, YOUNG kids on this website who SEE!! WHAT YOU DO!!! AND THEY WILL MIMIC THAT!!! AND WE FORGET THAT THERE ARE YOUNGER PEOPLE WHO FOLLOW US!! AND IT'S JUST A CYCLE!!! 

and with today's internet culture, there is no such thing as making a tiny mistake - if you mess up, no one is going to say, "hey, listen, whether you know this or not, you did something that's not okay and this is WHY it isn't okay", if you mess up or do something wrong, you're shamed off the internet. and yeah, there are some cases where people DO know better! and they probably deserve to be shamed out of a community! but i also think about me at fourteen and fifteen, an IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG ADULT who was incredibly sheltered as a kid and the internet was a whole new world and what i saw by the people i kept up with, i was like okay!! this is cool and acceptable!!! and when i had people coming for my ass i didn't really understand WHY because i was like....other people do it?? no one told THEM it was wrong??? and over time, i came to put two and two together and was like alright just because someone else does something and people accept it then, little em, doesn't mean it's okay or right

and of course times have changed and internet culture is so so so much different now, but i think it is still important to remember that while a lot of us have grown and learned and are educated BECAUSE we have been here for a long time and we've seen the psa posts and the educational reblogs, there are a lot of young ass people who are signing up on tumblr dot com for the first time, and they doN'T !! KNOW!!! the internet is meant to connect the world, and there are countless corners of the world where people are raised differently and learn different things and when you step into this madness for the VERY first time, it's overwhelming as fuck and i think a large part of internet culture has rapidly turned into, well, fuck the principle of education, if you get something wrong then you're just going to be berated forever and for some people, like myself, that worked, that helped us learn, but for some people, yelling and shaming them isn't how they learn from their mistakes, and i think internet culture can be SO goddamn negative when i look cross-platform because i just rarely ever see us being nice to one another, AND IT ALL COMES BACK TO THAT IS WHAT THESE KIDS WHO ARE USING THE INTERNET FOR THE FIRST TIME SEE AND THEY THINK IT'S ACCEPTABLE EVEN IF IT MAY NOT BE AND THAT’S WHY A LOT OF THIS GENERATION’S YOUNGER KIDS ARE ASSHOLES (cough jake paul)

so yeah: as a young person who was on the internet and for SOME REASON had an audience like she did, i think it's important for me to say as an old(er) person who no longer has a lot of that audience (that i know of) and has grown to see the error in a lot of her ways and is giving a mass apology for all the stuff i did that i left untied here and now - i was an obnoxious kid 89% of the time on here, i said stupid shit, i did stupid shit, and i want to make peace that i fucked up, but everyone does. i rightfully got flack for my mistakes on here, i rightfully got put in my place many of times, and as a nineteen year old, i GET IT. fourteen year old me didn't, but me five years later DOES. because i look at who i am now, and i now know what it is i believe in and stand for, what i speak up and out against, what i let fly in my life and what i don't, what kind of PEOPLE i want in my life and what kind of people i want to stay away from, what kind of impact i’m making on the world and on the people around me, what kind of person i'm on the road to being, and i am proud of her. mistakes are how we learn if we choose to learn from them, and when we live in resentment and beat ourselves up for being morons in the past (like i do), all we do is disservice ourselves. and i'm kinda tired of disservicing me, because tbh i'm proud of who i've become, mistakes and cringy stories and all

and that's why i love growth and turning over new leaves. #learn to let go in life lmao

[thenightisland]

explanations/updates under the cut

i haven’t been able to maintain much in the way of interaction with most of the people i care about, also haven’t been able to do much more than get out of bed every day because it’s one thing to be depressed and another to have just had such a goddamn terrible few months that there’s no way your antidepressants can keep up with all the awful

i already had several weeks without my second in command because she’s cursed and had to have another surgery. our unit lost two of our main techs (for new people inexplicably reading this, i charge a locked acute psychiatric ward, and losing techs is a /massive/ loss). the admin demons have been instituting various new things that have been having terrible effects on the units which i won’t get into because that would be a really really long explanation with a lot of jargon in it. one of the things though is the fact that the “do not readmit” list has been low key thrown out the window, so all the pts who were on that list /with good fucking reason/ are of course, now coming back, and spoiler alert they’re just as terrible still.

this one bookstore closed which sounds stupid as fuck but that place was the closest thing i had to a church and it literally kept me alive when i was in high school like i say that completely without exaggeration so it closing was the equivalent of someone hacking off one of my limbs because it was still the main place i went to when i was upset and wanted to feel less miserable and i don’t have it anymore and you wouldn’t believe how hard it is like imagine if your church got demolished or whatever you believe in like it destroyed me and i feel unmoored i don’t have that safe space feeling now because it’s gone

meanwhile the person i spent seven years of my life in love with had a baby with the boyfriend she described as Guy Karen, named me godmother of their firstborn son, and unknowingly made his middle name the pen name i’ve used for a decade because fucking of course this might as well fucking happen too. but i have other romantic bullshit going on now that’s honestly fucking me up worse.

also somehow i still can’t escape a little life like it has haunted me every waking moment since march 2016 and i hate how much i am like the protagonist and it’s kind of fucking with me??????

a fucking garbage man bashed off the side mirror on my car which i still haven’t had the fucking time to get fixed that was great

spent my whole vacation anxious having panic attacks like what is the point in having a long vacation if you’re going to be constantly stressed over nothing like goddammit can’t i just have this

within the last month and a half five people i know have died. three of them were our patients which like doesn’t sound like a thing that would cause that much distress, but due to the nature of our unit, we’re the only family a lot of our career patients have most of our pts are homeless, schizophrenic, intellectually disabled, just plain unwanted people of varying illnesses, like we literally look after the people no one else wants so when we hear one of Our Patients has died it fucks us up so badly. and it’s even worse because it’s not like they died in their sleep or something all of them have been post-discharge suicides like our work already feels like a revolving door exercise in futility because that’s the nature of the field unfortunately but it still hurts like i spend forty hours or more a week with these people i literally see them than i see my friends and family our patients are mostly so close to us that like when the day shift charge nurse came back from maternity leave, pt who had been there when she was pregnant who were there again were asking about how the baby was doing so three of our pts killing themselves in the last month in a half is soul crushing

then the closest thing i had to a friend in nursing school, well, she died too. out of the fucking blue, out of nowhere. she was a 28 year old healthy woman with two young daughters. she worked so hard for her and her girls she went to nursing school to build a better life for them and she genuinely wanted to be a nurse meanwhile i originally got into it for the money like she only got to live her dream working in L&D for two and a half years. and then she was on vacation in florida with her girls who were doing like a cheerleading camp. and she just. went to sleep and never woke up. and i still don’t know what killed her no one has posted it on facebook, and unfortunately, all the people who might know are the people that i cut out of my life because the rest of our class was a toxic mess so i can’t very well be like heyyyyy so i know i deleted you years ago and all but what killed linda? so still no closure. i just hope to god her girls didn’t find their mother dead. like it wrecked me.

i also say that every time i come back from a vacation something awful happens like when i came back from boston/nyc i discovered i was the only nurse left on my shift and when i came back from st louis last fall my dog died a very traumatizing [for me] death, so when i came back from dc i was like hmm what next.

well, another fucking person died is what next. /one of my coworkers/ my alpha tech from my original 11-7 team one of the people who has literally saved my life and kept so many people from getting hurt this is someone i saw five days a week for the last two and a half years of my life. he was already going through a lot because him and his wife split, so he was staying at a friend’s house, a friend who happened to be an NP for one of the psych docs, and the NP’s sister who works as an internal medicine assistant. and then on cinco de mayo we got word that his car had flipped and killed him. and a lot of people attributed it to a classic cinco drunk driving fatality but it gets worse because of course it does because lol it wasn’t /his/ car that flipped. it was the NP’s sports car. and apparently, the NP was driving, and the sister was following. the sister and NP were off the grid for a couple days and then the sister came back to work, but the NP has been taken off the on call list “indefinitely” so not only is one of our team members dead, but he is probably dead from a /drunk driving vehicular homicide done by another team member/ because apparently the world was like fuck our unit specifically.

then i got to spend several days being targeted by a pt who was a behavioral case [aka they’re not actually mentally ill, they’ve learned to play the system to avoid going to jail, basically] and that involved her being in seclusion for seven goddamn hours and her literally endlessly threatening to kill me for days to the point that i was confined to our walled in nurses station because she was you know trying to kill me and just constantly standing on the other side of the glass throwing around some of the worst verbal abuse i’ve ever experienced like i’m already exhausted and fatigued and miserable can’t you shut the fuck up i need to find some kind of meaning in my job because it’s all i have and you’re making it very hard for me to feel like i’ve done any good for anyone

all of this built up nicely into a good old fashioned nervous breakdown to the point that i had to call in sick because lol turns out that that is a lot of fucking shit to deal with in the span of a month and a half and emotionally things are only going to get harder from here this year for a variety of personal reasons that suffice to say have literally kept me up at night and upset me enough that i even had some nightmares break through the medication because i’m seeing so many of my friends find their happiness and i hate that i can’t feel that happy for them because i’m so tired and when the fuck will it be my turn i don’t want to resent my friends’ happiness and successes i’m just fucking exhausted and would really like for some good goddamn things to start happening here any time now i’ve been under so much stress i’m just a human version of the song running on empty at this point it’s all too much and i still can’t write i’m still stuck in the same hell from a manuscript i wrote nearly four years ago all i’ve been able to write is Coping Poetry to keep from going off the deep end and honestly everything in my life just feels completely out of control and i’m just tired of so many bad things happening in such a short amount of time like i can handle my own emotional problems until you dump all this other fucking nightmare fuel on top of them then it’s too much

so for the unfinished ao3 wip i’m sorry for the sheet music requests i’m sorry for the unanswered messages i’m sorry i’m safe i’m not in any danger of hurting myself or anything but i’m overwhelmed and i barely have the energy to get through all the shit that’s been happening lately so i can’t even promise when my interactions with anyone will be back to normal especially given my already awful skill at withdrawing from the people who care about me because i don’t want to bring them down any so just. tolerate the queue’s work. if you see me posting more but not answering you it’s not you it’s me i just cannot manage even talking to more than like three people max right now hence the until further notice psa you’ve seen at the top of my blog

the worst part is that there’s actually /more/ but it’s also three in the morning and i have to work tomorrow so here’s the highlights turns out averaging one death a week takes a toll on a person who’s already isolated and exhausted

hopefully at some point, things won’t suck as much and i can go back to being regular me. till then, apologies, and enjoy the queue