#a podcast about sadness and that’s it period

[boo-cool-robot]

AU where Orth is also transgender

Tea: Don’t let people push you around! We transitioned so we could stand up for ourselves, right?

Orth: Yes. Well, I transitioned on accident-

[boo-cool-robot]

[Image description: Pencil and paper sketch of Orth Godlove looking serious. /End ID]

A young Orth Godlove. Multiple time winner of Oricon's man in most need of a nap award.

[cha1cedony]

Finally working on White Lies. Who clapped

[hussyknee]

Ayat Khaddura, 27, was a digital content and podcast presenter in North Gaza. She was one of the five journalists murdered by Israel's targeted air strike on Nov 20, along with her sister and grandmother in her home. She posted this video in the knowledge that these were probably her last moments.

Video description:

A young Arab woman in a hijab and abaya speaks into her camera in Arabic in a high, frightened voice. The subtitles read: "This might be the last video from me. Today the Occupation Forces dropped phosphorus bombs on the Beit Lahia residential area, and frightening sound bombs. And uhm, they dropped letters from the sky ordering us to evacuate. So of course nearly everyone evacuated for the most part. Everyone ran into the streets in a crazy way. No one knows where they're coming or going. Uhm, we're all split up and around. Me and some others stayed at home. The others evacuated and left. We don't know where they've gone, that's for sure. The situation is terrifying, the scenes are horrifying [voice breaking as she starts to cry], the situation is extremely difficult. May God have mercy on us." [She closes her eyes as she starts to cry openly. End clip.]

[New clip.] The same young woman is seated on a desk in front of a world map wearing a jacket over a t-shirt and her hijab. Large video caption reads "Message from Ayat Khaddura who was martyred yesterday". Her voice is sad and resigned, and her face is tired and tear-stained as she speaks in Arabic. Subtitles read:

"We are human beings, just like other human beings around the world. We had many big dreams, but unfortunately today our dreams are that if we are killed we will be martyred in one piece, one body (not torn to pieces) so that people can recognise us, and we will not be cut off in pieces and put in a bag. [struggles not to cry.] When we are martyred there will be a shroud for us and we will be buried in a grave. Our dreams have become that the war will stop, that we stop hearing the sound of bombing. We never imagined we would reach such a stage and live such a life that does not have the lowest basic necessities. [Blinks back tears.] There are things we can't talk about, there are things that people photographed and did not document. When the war will end, who will continue to talk to people? What happened to us, how we lived, what we saw. Everything is being destroyed before our eyes." [Looks down with a sob. End video.]

Israel dropping leaflets onto trapped and hiding people minutes before bombing them is nothing but a sick PR exercise— there's nowhere safe to go, no telling where the bombs will drop, no way to not leave family members behind while fleeing. Many people in North Gaza decided not to evacuate to the South, not only because similar calls to go South have ended in Israeli airstrikes massacring the refugees, but the possibility of being killed while trying to make the journey, the lack of food and water to sustain them, and inability to leave old and disabled family members behind. Some like Hind Khaudary, who had the opportunity to leave the Gaza strip entirely through foreign embassies, stayed behind to continue reporting the situation unfolding in the North. Meanwhile, Israel is continuing to bomb the South, despite their own evacuation orders.

Ayat is one of the fifty-three Middle Eastern journalists killed since Oct. 7. Forty-six of them were Palestinian, most massacred along with their families. Air strikes on other journalists managed to kill only their families instead. This is the deadliest period for journalists recorded by the Committee to Protect Journalists in its thirty years of existence. In fact, Israel killed one of the CPJ's own journalists documenting the murders around the same time as Ayat.

Nearly all these are targeted strikes. Israel controls the census in Gaza and therefore has information on where everyone lives. They also track journalists cellphones and use surveillance drones and quadcopters (drone snipers). Journalists and their families are known to receive threatening phone calls from unknown numbers before they're eventually attacked.

As to why Israel is so concerned about journalists? For the same reason the Biden Administration has stated openly.

But the administration remains wary about Netanyahu’s endgame and seeming lack of a plan for what to do once Hamas is defeated. There was no sense that the pause would turn into a lengthier cease-fire, a senior administration official said. And there was some concern in the administration about an unintended consequence of the pause: that it would allow journalists broader access to Gaza and the opportunity to further illuminate the devastation there and turn public opinion on Israel.

Please spread news of these journalists' murders, show their faces, say their names. While Western journalists from CNN and BCC are embedded with IOF teams to safely "report" on Gaza, Palestinian journalists who have been reporting there for years, wearing a press jacket and helmet they know won't protect them, are documenting and broadcasting the situation on the ground, watching their colleagues being picked off one by one for the last month and half, not knowing when it will be their turn. Ayat was not a combatant. She was a young woman a lot like most on this site, young and angry at injustice, armed with only a degree and internet connection to fight for her people. She wanted the world to witness her last moments: documenting the situation till the end, her terror of dying, how she clung to her faith and wanted to live. Hers and her compatriots work is to resist letting their people disappear among the vast uncounted; she resisted it to her last breath.

Empires and colonizers win wars by reducing people to numbers. When people become numbers they become collateral, cattle, "unavoidable casualties". This is what Palestinians have fought for decades to show: "We Are Not Numbers". If the West wants to kill human beings with impunity, everyone gets to see exactly which lives and loves and hopes it's snuffing out forever.

[drdemonprince]

i read in the comments to my last ask about "ordinary unhappiness" the idea of depression as a lack of agency and i feel like that is true? when i feel miserable and in pain, it's not because something is sad but because something is either unachievable or impossible (or at least there is the perception of it). and like i think that's what you were getting at too? this thing that drives you to keep going, this lack of satisfaction. i simply don't have anything i can give into such that i would ever even feel a lack of satisfaction. i've never had anything to give myself into and feel frustrated and perhaps sometimes successful in but instead i just envy the people who do have those things. nothing i've ever done has felt maintained a sense of emotional connectiveness in that way (positive or negative). i guess to wrap this back around to another potential talking point, i'm curious how you find that in your life? is it weird for me that nothing has ever felt worth putting myself whole ass into? idk, i find it envious you've got both writing and gay hypno fetish stuff you're able to just throw yourself into so wholly and utterly

Passion isn't inherent, it can be a choice too. I only look like I care a ton about writing and gay hypno stuff because I have deliberately chosen to pursue those passions, for many years, and cultivated a deep interest in them, anon.

When I was in my early twenties, I felt completely empty. I was a void. If you've read the first chapter of Unmasking Autism, this is the period I'm talking about in that book. I went away to graduate school (because I was good at academics, and I had some illusions about what a career in that field would do for me), but I had absolutely zero zest for the subject of psychology at that point. I had no research ideas. I read psychology books and publications purely out of obligation. I did what was required of me, but nothing additional beyond that, and I spent the rest of my time sitting at home, sometimes literally staring at the wall and crying. I had no friends or hobbies, aside from taking long, long depression walks listening to podcasts in order to fill the silence.

This was when I was at my most depressed, and my most suicidal. Just existing was a pain. I'd sob in bed at night and cry out begging for God to kill me, and I didn't even believe in God. The only thing that distracted me from my pain was a guy I was seeing, who was beautiful and very cruel and inconsistent, and I clung to him through all kinds of lies and abuse because it felt as though my happiness was located inside of him.

I had a friend that I wrote to about how miserable I was, and all the twists and turns that my horrible romance was taking. Her name was Heather. (Unlearning Shame is dedicated to her). She told me hey, you're a really good writer, did you know that? I really enjoy reading your emails, even when you're speaking about the most pitiful anguished shit, you really put it poetically and have a ton of insight. You should write more.

For a while, I ignored her. I didn't care about writing. I just wanted to get my pain out on the page because I had nobody to talk to, and oodles of time to waste. I had nothing otherwise that I felt I HAD to say. I had no PASSION. I did not feel like I was put on this earth to do anything. Other people seemed to have these drives, and I had nothing.

But then one day in a fit of depression I stopped by a bookstore right near my apartment, The Armadillo's Pillow, just to get outside of the house. I happened upon a book I had loved in high school, Jonathan Franzen's The Corrections. I took it home. I read it. It transported me for a few hours away from my pain. I went back to the book store and picked up some sci-fi. A John Varley collection, I think. I was also swept away from my suffering, even when the stories had flaws that I noticed. I was interested in the actual craft of storytelling: what worked and what didn't. And there was finally some beauty in my head instead of the usual dreariness and self-hatred and emptiness.

And so. I made the choice to write. I could have taken it or left it at that point. I didn't care about anything. Caring is a muscle that you have to flex. And when you're depressed, it can be very hard. I needed a lot of nudges from the external world and other people, to realize that I had some things I did gravitate toward, even if I didn't realize it.

All that time of course I WAS driven to write. I was churning out 5k word letters to Heather every day practically. I was reading stupid shit online. And when it was put in front of me, and I had no reason to feel guilt about not working hard enough on other things, I reached for books. But I didn't feel passion strongly under the heavy blankets of my depression. Or usually at all, really. I am a quite internally muted person whose emotions are suppressed. But they're there. Speaking to me softly. And to overcome my depression, I had to decide to listen to them instead of ignoring them all of the time, and give them kindling, and then fan them into a flame.

I started blogging regularly while I was in graduate school (right here, hello, you can check my archive dating back to 2011), and finding a reason to live. When I was writing, I felt like the world was interesting, and beautiful. It gave me new things to do. I attended literary readings and book launches all over town. I submitted work to magazines. I bought old copies of magazines and read them. I inhaled books. I listened to fiction podcasts. I joined writing groups. At first, it felt like a slog, like anything else. Doing these things, I was not "happy". But I was interested. I liked learning about the world of publishing, critiquing people's stories in my head, and commisserating with other Tumblr writers about the stuff that got featured on the Prose tag that sucked.

After YEARS of doing this, of choosing to fan my passions, it became a genuine motivation in my life. But even then? I lose track of it sometimes. I get busy, or there's no place comfy to sit and read in my apartment, and I forget that I like writing and reading for months at a time. And then I have to choose it again. It takes effort to care about something, every time.

It's the same way with hypno. I did have a fetish for this stuff all my life long. But it's a passion that people always thought was weird and gross, and that I thought was bad. I didn't tell anyone about it until my late 20's. I felt ashamed masturbating to it or looking up hypno content online. For years I snuffed out that flame of passion until I could barely feel it anymore. It wasn't until I was super depressed AGAIN in my later 20's that I took a bunch of weird off-label anti-depressant drugs under the table and had a weird dreamy headspace overtake me and make me insanely horny that I remembered how much I loved hypno, and because I was in search of an escape from my tormented brain, I sought hypnotists out.

And I had the time of my life. But I also had boring, awkward encounters, bad hook-ups, and had to do a ton of work.

My passions have drawn me out of depression because I needed them to. I had to find them, listen to them, and then give them lots of food. And it's one of the few things that a person does often have agency over, no matter how dispiriting their circumstances. You can make choices about where to put what attention you do have, in what free moments you do have. When you're on the bus or in line at the grocery store and you're thinking about how much you hate yourself, you can try to think about a story you read or a sexual fantasy you had, instead. It's a lot of work. But it's better work than the work of hating yourself, which takes a whole lot of energy and attention itself.

I hope you can find something like this for you. It doesn't really matter what it is. It can be some hobby you've always wanted to try, or something "childish" you've suppressed. Having a passion isn't like being chosen by the universe to care about something. It's not like love at first sight. Nothing fucking works like that in life. It's always work. It's always a choice you have to make, because no one else will give it to you. But there can be hints that you can follow, sometimes.

[boo-cool-robot]

[Image description: Picture of Hella Varal from the back, her arms bound behind her to the Blade in the Dark with strands of pearls. She is shirtless and her back is scarred. /End ID]

had to draw her in this

[annabelle--cane]

I got into tma in 2022 on a road trip with no internet and then only tangentially interacted with the fandom (light hcs, fanart) and I am. so compelled to understand what the fandom was like in 2020. what were the takes. why was it so awful. does it explain why every time I try to look into protocol I get a rancid Vibe and jump back 5 feet.

to preface: on scale, it really wasn't any worse than your average fandom, it just A) got Very popular over a short period and B) that period was during a time of particularly high stress where many people suddenly could only experience a social life online. tma is also a fairly political and progressive work, which inevitably leads to certain kinds of Takes. it also got Very popular right at the point where the episodes were reaching their peak of explicit social commentary and sustained morbid tone, which, especially combined with point B from above, drew out some really visceral reactions from a lot of people. nothing was actually inherently rancid about 2020-2021 tma fandom, there was just a bit of a perfect storm of factors.

having said that. some common discourse themes:

the perennial shipping discourse. georgie is the only one of our leads to have never killed a person, but really, I pinky promise that your ship between two unrepentant serial killers is 100x more problematic than my ship between two unrepentant serial killers.

asexuality: how dangerous is it? on a scale of 1-5, with 1 being "mostly" to 5 being "completely," how humiliating is it to be asexual? what is the singular true asexual experience that is unproblematic to write about?

wow, jonny was so out of line for writing this episode, what gives him the right to--oh he said it's directly based on personal experiences? so sorry, my bad, I'll learn for next time. wow, jonny was so out of line for writing this epi--

I did not like this episode. this is obviously a direct act of violence against me. why would an episode be Not Good when there is, in the world, Sadness?

hello, I have sorted all of the characters into a simple chart that clearly delineates which of them are completely irredeemable monsters with no interiority or motives and which of them are perfect angel victims who have only ever been nice and never hurt anyone, ever (and if they did hurt someone then that person deserved it). if I see you adding nuance to any of my rulings, I will kill you. this also extends to the podcast writers. #ilovebinaries.

the characters... are queer... and maybe even other marginalized identities as well... and yet, they do bad things? there's not even a single completely morally innocent character? by god, did they not think about the implications this might have!

web!martin. lol people are so stupid for thinking that the theory is at all plausible, media comprehension much? that would lichrally imply that a queer, poor, mentally ill character might be capable of badness. what do you mean we are currently listening to an arc where he's an accomplice to serial murder.

[boo-cool-robot]

Shoutout to austin underscore for meticulously crafting xiphion, an asian trans Ideology Guy who pilots a cool transforming mech and is charismatic, chivalrous, and extremely hot, only for the players to hear all that and go "well he sounds strong and we don't want our asses kicked, so let's not interact with him at all"

[sunnyie-eve]

14 | Not Leaving

Series: Unexpected

Paring: (Matt Sturniolo x OFC Brock!) (Chris Sturniolo x OFC Brock!)

Word Count: 1.2k

Warnings: none

| MASTERLIST |

~

"20 minutes ago I got a DM from the clown." Chris looks at his phone.

"Really?" Matt asks surprised Tanner was still bugging Chris.

"He was giving shit."

"He's still going?" Matt asks.

"Who?" Nick asks lost for a second.

"Dani's ex friend's ex boyfriend." Chris tells him, "He saw the clip from our last-,"

Matt cuts in, "He saw Chris call him ugly."

"He was like it's funny you called me ugly when you look like that." Chris tells the two, "And I only said he was ugly to get Dani to like me."

"He's delusional." Nick's eyes widen.

"I know." Chris agrees.

"I still get some from her as well." Matt speaks up.

"I don't know who has it worse. You get a loser and I get an asshole. Nick is lucky." Chris eats his apple.

"Take some." Matt tells Nick.

"Like you're Dani's best friend so why do we get all the messages?" Chris adds.

"Well for one he hates you and she likes you so..." Nick looks at the two.

"I'm not for violence but the way she talks about Dani..." Matt starts to get pissed a tad bit thinking about the messages.

"I've daydreamed about hitting his punk ass." Chris adds swinging his arms around.

"I do need to jump in because I can get them to shut up." Nick agrees, "They're insane."

"He stalks all of us online." Chris says before Matt changes the topic slightly.

"I wanna talk about Dani staying with us and how some people are reacting." Matt tells the two, "Like I know it's not everyone. It's the same people who have a problem with Madi. We're allowed to have close friends that are girls. People just-,"

"Like who are you?" Nick throws out there.

"Just get over it please." Matt adds, "Madi is like our sister and Dani is our new roommate we're getting close to. The two of them message each other so much which I love. I can see them becoming best friends as well. They already act like it."

"Madi said that too." Chris speaks up.

"Dani said talking to her is like talking to a sister she doesn't have."

"I just wanna tell people, Dani isn't leaving." Chris makes clear for viewers.

"We literally mad a closet by the front door into a room. We had people come in and work on the house to construct a whole room for her." Matt explains.

"Like the whole under part of the living room is a room now. The only sad part is she's gotta share a bathroom with Matt." Nick laughs.

"Yeah." Chris laughs as well.

"Hey, we created a whole system for our bathroom so shut up. At least ours will be the cleanest as well." Matt points his fingers at them.

Once they were done with the podcast they find Dani was no where to be seen in the house so they figure out she left for a bit. Which she did because she had to run to the store for girl stuff and things she just wanted.

"What did you bring home?" Nick watches Dani walk towards the bathroom.

"Stuff for myself."

"What kind of stuff?" Matt watches her take a seat on the toilet to put together a little storage for her stuff.

"Well, a place for my makeup, hair accessories, pain meds, and you know pads and tampons." She smiles at him.

"I was wondering when you would make a place for that kind of stuff." He continues to watch her, "Is it finally that time of month huh?"

"Obviously, Matt." She looks back at what she was doing, "So when I have my moments just leave me alone."

"When's the worst day?"

"Today because day two it's when I have the worst pains." She lets him know.

"Got it, don't push your buttons." He leaves her alone.

When she was finished they boys were doing whatever so Dani uses the living room tv to watch a show but soon Nick and Chris starts yelling playing around.

"Can y'all shut the hell up for one day?" She shouts pausing the tv to go to her room.

"What's her problem?" Chris asks Nick.

"Not a clue."

"She's on her period, guys." Matt walks out of his room.

"Oh, well best I stay out of her way till she's done with it." Chris goes to his room to play games.

"Sorry, Dani!" Nick shouts before going to watch tv on the couch.

Matt goes back to his room getting his keys leaving the house to get some food in hopes to cheer Dani up a bit. Take her mind off her cramps and emotions.

"Nick, where's Matt?" Dani asks after looking he wasn't in his room.

"Went somewhere. Why?"

"I just wanted to let him know I was gonna take a shower so if he comes back while I'm in there let him know." She says going to the bathroom.

"Yeah, okay." He waves his hand paying attention to the tv.

While Dani was in the shower, Nick rushes to his room to use the bathroom since he had to go. Sadly at that moment Matt decided to come home and he had to pee. As he walked towards the bathroom he heard the shower so he speed walks to Chris's room but he was using the bathroom as well.

"Dani, I gotta pee!" He knocks on the door before opening it shielding his eyes so he doesn't see her.

"Okay." She says not really caring.

"You're calm for me being in here."

"Well I trust you so but hurry up because I'm about done." She lets him know so he quickly goes pee.

"I brought you Taco Bell." He lets her know as he washes his hands.

"Just me?" 

"And me too." He laughs drying his hands.

"Can we watch a movie too?" She asks rising her hair.

"Mine or yours?" 

"Mine because the other two won't bug us and complain how you only got us food." She tells him turning off the shower.

"Smart thinking. I also got you a Dr Pepper so I'll be in your room." He leaves so she can get out.

Once she was done she joins Matt in her room jumping onto her bed ready to eat since she's been wanting their tacos, "What movie did you pick?" She asks since he had her remote in his hand.

"Shrek because that's what I'm in the mood for." He hands her the remote so he can get his food out of the bag.

"Be prepared for me to quote this movie." She gets her food out of her bag as well.

After eating they get comfy under the blankets and finish the movie then start the second one next. The plan was to binge watch all of the movies but they ended up failing since they both passed out during the third one.

Being the good friend Nick was he wanted to go check on her since she hadn't felt her room in hours. "Hey Da-," Nick opens the door gently to see the two fast asleep in bed. Matt was slightly sleeping on his stomach while Dani cuddled his back/side that was facing her. "You two worry me." Nick turns off the tv and lights leaving the room.

[boo-cool-robot]

I donated $30 to have Austin Walker read out the sentence "I think Samot and Ibex should kiss" on stream and I stand by that assertion-

friendstable fans calling all friendstable fans. let’s play a game called make up a cross-season crack ship. go

[sixth-light]

I've been thinking a lot lately* about how artistic works are so intimately products of their moment and in conversation with it, and how easy this is to overlook both in terms of discussing a work and in terms of anticipating or considering new additions to an older work.

The first is important because so many judgements that can be made about a work are only meaningful when you know what their context was. What readers need or want to see, particularly in terms of representation, is hugely mediated by what else is available to them at the time. Yeah this is about stuff like "Rocky Horror was progressive when it was created" but also it's about stuff like "the John Carter movie bombed because it was regarded as derivative", when in fact the source material originated a bunch of the 'derivative' scenes and tropes that were then used by better-known movies before a John Carter movie ever got made.

The second is important because...even if you come back to a work, as a creator, you can only make new parts of it as the person you are now, in conversation with the world and genre as it is now, not as it was when you started. Taking a mildly-infamous-among-fantasy-fans example, Melanie Rawn's unfinished Ambrai trilogy; she's often said that she can't finish it because her life has moved on and...as sad as I am it was never finished, I think that's probably smart! She could write a third book one day, maybe, but it never could or would be the third book she would have written in the 1990s. And even if she did manage that somehow, the genre has moved on in such a way that it would feel weird and probably quite offputting to read a book doing with gender and feminism what the Ambrai books were doing in the '90s, because they are/were inherently in conversation with an era of fantasy that is now past.

All of which is to say that:

as a reader (or watcher) I think it's good to hold in mind, when engaging with a work from a time and/or place unfamiliar to you, the extent of what you don't know about the context of the work

as a creator, I think it's good to be very realistic about what you're going to actually achieve when you are making something over a long time period or coming back to something you left unfinished. You can totally do that! It can be incredibly rewarding! But the thing you make now is not the thing you would have made then, probably not even the thing you imagined you were going to make then, and that's just the nature of art.

*The reason I have been thinking about this is partly books I have been reading (Mara of the Acoma, you are my blorbo) and partly a very fun podcast I have been listening to which has re-read The Ruins of Ambrai and done a lot of discussion about its context, finishing up with a great interview with Kate Elliott about writing fantasy in the '90s (and writing it now, as she is still writing great but different books!). Anyway go listen to the Hot Nuance Book Club, it's a good time.

[emidealia]

☆ timeless what's AWAITING YOU next month ☆

Hey lovelies! Bienvenue! This is a PICK A CARD tarot reading is about what you need to hear about your upcoming month, starting pretty much from where you are right now. Choose a picture from the top 1, 2 or from the bottom 3, 4. Be kind and take with you only what applies. Take a deep breath ...and enjoy!:)

★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★

pile 1

Nurture your Goddess energy

Main thing you’ll focus this month is bringing back rosy feeling(fresh, sweet, gorg). You have a tendency to not feel like a boss a— bitch and this is rooted in trauma from home/finances and results in lack of trust, confidence in yourself. Perhaps not feeling “clean” or not having a romantic lifestyle like others around you and on internet. It is affecting how you express your mind, the way you present yourself etc. Because you don’t really believe in yourself you treat yourself as such. The way back from this is from outward actions too. This month you’ll start prioritizing having a put together bedroom, aesthetically pleasing desk and thought-out hairstyles, makeup and outfits. Healing feminine energy will be truly empowering for you. Look into that! When you act confident you start gaining back your power, truly believing and feeling worthy and divine.

Don’t deny it, there’s a lot you could do in your situation. There’s absolutely no point in sitting in your despair, hoarding sadness, feeling pathetic. Literally no one else cares, no one will come feeling sorry for you and no one but yourself can save you. Be known for having built yourself up or are you envisioning yourself in the same pile of pity years from now, only more bitter? If you can change it, stop whining and change. If you can’t, then there’s no point in whining either, it’s out of your control. But be honest.

Back to what you can do. What is it that creates a spark in you? Even the smallest of desires to get yourself together. For example late at night on pinterest or the right tiktok hitting the spot, maybe the right friend or seeing what your interests can accomplish. Journaling, vision boards, meditating, working out, waking up early, podcasts. Gather everything that sparks the motivation to start something, change sth about yourself, chase your dreams and such. Use these things to your advantage, learn what helps your mind to stay focused, body to stay healthy. Learning about the way you can motivate yourself with your actions, you’ll trick your brain into being more confident as the brain changes everyday according to your surroundings. I do recommend notion for putting down your plan to renew yourself, music, habits, dreams, routines etc. This month you’ll be in your element and succeed babe. Love the process, love yourself, you are so goddamn worthy of living as you desire. You are divine as fuck, you lack nothing!

★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★

pile 2

A long period came to an end. School term, finals, relationship, friendship, lease on sth or a project? Even though it’s over, rather than being grateful, glad, you visit the situation and feel a bit guilty, uncertain, could you have changed the outcome, said/done it better or been more present? Yeah, no, stop, it’s useless. Maybe you could have, how about that? Nothing to do about it anyways. Find peace for yourself human! You are in the now, it is certain that storm is over and be glad.

MOVING ON. Too much overthinking, man, this time about the future. You are tiring your mind, so much is going on, like the 13 open tabs and there’s music, screaming, a random question about lemurs and existensialism video essays. A lot of escapism, wishing someone would make the decisions for you or being far away from here, doing nothing. No no no. You can’t give away your oppurtunities and potential, you’ll learn a lot from this. You are destined for greatness. I’ll be honest this month there are a few days of feeling shitty but it’s in your control and nothing you couldn’t deal with. Also nothing you haven’t done before so this may be a reoccurring lesson. Main question is, how tf to sustain yourself? In healthy-ish coping mechanisms please. Learn to find something stable in your life that doesn’t fall apart if everything else does.

Main focus this month is about concious progress, intentional advancements. Things will get better, you’ll keep pushing forward, along with much success and enjoyment. You can shape your career, hobbies, plans in according to your own timetable, if you make the needed choices. In this upcoming period you need to be grounded and ready to jump at oppurtunities. You are ambitious, career-driven, but a step back does not kill you. It’s actually essential to sustain yourself. Your brain is a resource, for too long you have used it only for work, being in survival mode, resulting in feeling drained out of power.

I know how hard it is, but take a break, several breaks, a vacation even. Learn to do nothing more than just exist for once. Loving yourself for you, not just for your work validation. That’s also something you should tak einto consideration this month. Separating yourself from performance statistics in your job. If you give it so much control it can really eat you up and destroy you. But you are more than that, am I right? I bloody am, you are an amazing person. Reconnect with yourself, with more humanity. Get rid of the need to be perfect. You really don't need to. Truly okay if you couldn't do your best, or just didn't. It's okay.

Being mentally ready, feeling present and being truly glad to wake up to experience the world is pretty awesome. You’ll be ready for anything then. Love you for you!!! Kisses and hugs, muah :)

★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★

pile 3

Right away, when starting this pile I was full of the feeling YOLO, let’s do it :D. Spring is coming. Oh the cards made me smile right away. Attracting like a rose, receiveing abundance, you have a right to your joy. Screamiiiiing in joy. I’m obsessed. You have noticed how easily you manifest, right? The little things just flow to you. This is your time: vision boards, letters, writing down your wishes, affirmations, being grateful. You’ll receive everything you manifest right now.

Fall into the mystery, when you receive oppurtunities take them. Your manifestations come in different forms, what you might gain may be hidden but you will receive what you desire for sure. If an offer sparks feelings in you, the ,,what if ;)” type. DO IT! It’s your soul calling. If you want to advance creativity, learn new skills or gain a little money, you might do it in a different way you anticipated. I sense some workshops or little jobs, it might not be exactly what you thought about when manifesting but it’s like such a cute opportunity to also take some time off. It will be easy and safe to you, in a good way. Your boss or the manager and colleagues will be such great people, you’ll gain so many connections. I hear some teamwork is in order. I feel you will be receiving abundance in the form of what your inner child loved to do. You’ll be connecting to that forgotten side of yourself. I think you are aware of the hobby, but forgotten the potential of it, the joys it can bring you. This can turn out to be first of all an amazing way to connect to yourself, but also a way to gain mental well-being and little side cash. It will offer emotional and physical things, like the joy of creating art and having paintings in your home or selling prints on internet.

I just need to put this out there that it will be something you can connect over with your future significant other too. This shared joy for a hobby is truly pure, healing and sweet. You may even meet through this. Yep they are amazing, but don’t take your focus on romantic validation, you know better. There’s this beautiful saying. If you spend your time chasing butterflies, they'll fly away. If you spend your time making a beautiful garden the butterflies will come to you. And if they don't come, then you still have the beautiful garden.

STAY LOVELY!

★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★

pile 4

I started the reading with bits of confusion and come clumsiness but in a free nonjudgemental chill way if that makes sense? Pfft oops:D anyways … You are the essence of confidence, self acceptance, at least you are perceived that way. You know your needs, you don’t resist when you need a break, you ask and you receive. Great standards, others must accept you like u do. Just like it should be. I am enchanted by your energy and I’m not the only one. This month you’ll keep on shining like you are, taking it to another level. Others will be greatly motivated by your ability to be in total control of your life, caring for your wishes and needs with trust. Main focus this month is advancing your everyday things: style may be the most prominent, also smaller things like a new type of go-to food or coffee you swear by. You’ll have great luck in finding new items for your wardrobe and new ingredients for recipes. So saying yes to going thrifting or buying mysterious exciting things will be rewarding.

Traveling to a neighboring city or country most likely alone. A great refreshment for you. I see you safely wandering in the evening, finding cool bars, cafes, museums, talking and hanging out with strangers but essentially making new friends and learning about people. This is something that really interests you, finding out about different subjects, talking to strangers, learning about different opinions and world views. At the same time, you will also develop your own hobby, photography or filmmaking, writing or doing remote work.

So to sum up, this month is about great curiosity, travelling, charming, communication with new people, developing your style and pursuing a hobby. Life is a grand adventure!

★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★★--★

[boo-cool-robot]

[Image description: Paintings of Earnestine Pickman with textured brushstrokes. In one, she is in her Shape Knight armor, cloak, and broad-brimmed hat, brandishing her sword in a field of yellow flowers. In another, she is in shirtsleeves and smoking, her sword propped by her side. /end ID] 

My Secret Samol gift to @seamonsterart! They asked for Pickman being a badass so here she is :)

[hinaypod]

Happy Audio Drama Sunday from Hi Nay! Here's our spooky theme song for you to enjoy.🎃🇵🇭

We've still got some treats for you this October even on hiatus, but we realized some of you may have never heard our haunting theme song on its own.

This is Ili-ili Tulog Anay (version 1) played on a Kalimba by the wonderful Classical musician Monching Carpio. This is version 1, the slower, more ponderous version of the Hi Nay theme song.

Enjoy, and happy Audio Drama Sunday!

In case you missed it, here's some other stuff we released this month:

J & Dooley part 2 - Bonus Episode Excerpt, an entire 10 MINUTE EXCERPT of this bonus episode dealing with our beloved sad old men from our first Pride episode, J and Dooley. Available anywhere you listen to podcasts.

Episode 48.1 - Noche Buena (Christmas Eve), the immediate followup to our mid-act finale, Pasko. This was written and posted to our Patreon back in January, but takes place immediately after the Christmas episode, which was only released this September. Enjoy Mari on Christmas morning talking about her childhood Christmases in the Philippines, and get a taste of what the Christmas season looks like to many Filipinos.

And before October ends, we have one more special for you all:

NINE TO MIDNIGHT, a collaborative horror audio drama storytelling event with over two dozen horror podcasters! I was invited to take part by Harlan Guthrie (Malevolent, Deviser) and I'm presenting a story entitled HEAVY FLOW (a period piece).

Hope you're all excited, and thank you for all your support!

[magpod-confessions]

hi. so because i'm normal about jonathan sims and jmart. um.

i really like jmart. i think there could have been MUCH better buildup, but... ultimately it's a very cute ship. i think the appeal, yeah, is a lot that it's just canon. but.

they're both deeply broken people. jon wasn't loved enough. his grandmother tried her best, but he was never cuddled, never read to, never had a chance to *be a little kid*, really. and martin was never loved. maybe he convinced himself he was just never loved the right way, that his mum just didn't know how to show it because he was so *insufferable* and *incompetant*, but no matter the lies he tells himself, martin was not shown love by his mother.

and then they meet. and martin gives and gives and gives because that's all he knows. and jon has no idea how to receive because he never really had anything to receive. and jon's coping mechanism, with that unknown situation, is to reinforce his emotional walls. martin does not know how to stop giving. so they don't work at this point, not at all.

and then jon's emotional walls come tumbling down. well, moreso that they were violently destroyed, with prentiss and all. jon has no support system!!! tim hates him because he's a fucking *stalker*, martin... well... he can't rely on martin, of all people. and sasha... he never knew her too well, but she's acting strange. so jon and martin don't work together at that point, romantically, i think partially because jon won't let it.

in big part, jmart is built on mutual trauma (NOT traumabonding!! i know it's used that way in podcast, but that's not the correct definition) and ... martin being pretty much the only person jon has left. of course, there's basira and melanie and georgie, but they don't *get it*. they didn't go through everything jon did alongside him. sure, martin didn't either, but martin has been there the whole time.

it's partially a relationship of proximity, partially shared trauma, but i do think a lot of it is genuine care for each other (even if that care stems from the former two reasons).

anyways. theyre really cute. tma could have been just as good without it, but---and im saying this as someone who typically despises most romance in media---i really adore them and their dynamic. it opens up so many doors for both character- and self-exploration.

martin learning to love without sacrificing himself. jon learning to love openly, period. explorations of trust and how mutual trauma that affected people in different ways can shape them, etc etc etc. and of course, this is all in fics and in my own mind, because . theyre dead . (i wont accept any ending but that, honestly. theyre not Somewhere Else to me). but. it's nice. they mean a lot to me as characters and as people and as a pair. thumbs up.

and some jon ranting!! because i. admit. finally. that i might be a bit of a jon kinnie.

jon doubts himself, constantly, unless his decision is completely impulsive (ex. the coffin). he can't *let* himself feel, fully, because as a child it was always annoying/obnoxious, or too much, or wrong in some ambiguous, nebulous way.

he's out of touch with himself emotionally. it's... not so much that he doesn't get emotions, it's moreso that he's repressed the majority of his own so intensely that he has a hard time dealing with others' emotions because he's not too sure what it's supposed to feel like without a heavy flavouring of shame.

he's read a lot of books. he knows, in theory, what sadness or romantic love or anger or excitement feels like---and occasionally in practice, when the repression and 'compartmentalisation' (bottling it up) becomes too much and it all boils over---but he has a hard time relating those hypothetical and heat-of-the-moment feelings to actual, real life people.

he struggles with empathy, severely. partially an autistic thing, partially a trauma response. yknow. he's genuinely well-meaning when it comes to comforting those he cares about, but he's not sure of the right thing to say because of how severely that muscle has atrophied. he was never taught that with his grandmother and her neglect (and yes, no matter what he says on tape, it was emotional neglect) and then not having very many friends... he missed those prime developmental stages as a child.

he never empathised with book characters, i don't think. he was always the observer, never really fully putting himself in the role of the protagonist. he definitely used books as an escapist coping mechanism, but it wasn't in a visiting-this-fictional-world way, it was more of a losing-himself-in-the-story way, if that makes sense. there was always a sense of detachment. reading was an *in between* of his life and the life of the protagonist.

he struggles with his and others' feelings because, from his perspective, his emotions are uniquely shameful, uniquely embarrassing, and uniquely *harmful* to other people. so, he represses them, and doesn't let himself feel them unless they're 'useful'. and then, when he can't apply this ideology to others' emotions, he has no way to deal with them. he freezes up because this is a situation in which he has no real experience in, and, as a child who was punished for behaving autistically *wrong* ---whether by his peers or his grandmother---he's scared to make a wrong move.

he sees himself as a person who is uniquely capable of harm. other people can hurt other people, sure, but jon can hurt them in a *special* way, a *worse* way, because he is a fundamentally wrong, bad person.

yeah👍

.🗣️

I AM EATING THIS I agree with this yea

[graciegoeskrazy]

the 1975 masterlist

last updated: 11/03/24

newest ones in bold!

Key!:

A - angst

F - fluff

S- sad like really fucking sad

! - heavy topics: check the trigger warnings!

☆ - a favorite of mine or a rec!

blurb masterlist

headcannon masterlist

reader instas au

m a t t y h e a l y

Teen!Daughter!r

now you just look like anyone (A, S, !)

matty helps his daughter through an abusive breakup

we're all just the same, what a shame (F)

matty annoys his daughter and builds a fort, atpoaim rewrite

and too much racket (A)

y/n does drugs and matty helps her through it

undo (A, S, !)

y/n tells her father she might be pregnant

yeah u wanna find love (F)

y/n cries to the new Taylor Swift album

if it’s not with u (F)

matty talks about his daughter while on a podcast

then because she goes (F)

matty comes home to y/n who has a special guest over

mine (A, S, !)

y/n uncovers a secret that matty intended to stay hidden forever

you’re all i need (F, S)

reader gets cheated on and matty is there to console her

human too (F)

reader gets sick first day of huge msg show, luckily her dad is there to help her

i’ve got a woman now (F)

matty freaks out when y/n gets her first period

figure my heart out (A, S, !)

matty accidentally learns his daughters biggest secret

PART 2

“and i do make art ty v much” (F)

matty finds out y/n is a writer

if you’re living and you’re 17 (S, A, !!!!!!!!!)

y/n hates her life on the road

PART 2

my whole life waiting for you (F)

y/n and her dad a have a cute moment on stage together

an encounter (F)

y/n smokes her her first cig with her dad

Stepdaughter!r

when we are together (A, S, lil F)

swift!r runs to matty during a fight with her mom

cuz it all means nothing my dear (A, S, ☆)

matty tries to step up when y/n goes through her first heartbreak

Daughter!r

she's begging you to stay stay (A, S, F, !, ☆)

matty finds his daughter he didn't know existed

PART 2 - I'll give u one more time (A, S, !, ☆) PART 3 - one more fight (A, S, !, ☆)

if i believe u (A, S)

matty doesn't tell you he got engaged and ends up saying something he regrets

she lays down (F)

baby y/n wakes up from a nightmare

not looking like that (F)

y/n doesn't like her dad's new haircut

it takes a bit more (A, S, !)

young healy struggles through her fathers addiction

Sister!r

they’re just girls (F)

the younger healy sneaks away to a 75 show...and matty doesn't know

Daniel!r

inside your mind (A, S)

matty picks y/n up from school when she gets in trouble

g e o r g e d a n i e l

xcx!stepdaughter!r

it happens to your family and your friends (A, S, !, ☆)

George helps y/n when she looses her best friend, in the worst possible way

darling that’s what humans do (A, S)

r breaks her arms while alone with george and charli gets upset

on this night, in this light (S, F)

George and Charli help r through a nightmare

change is pressure (A, S)

y/n gets in trouble at school and acts out on George.

b2b (S, F)

y/n is scared her parents are breaking up

somebody else (A, S, !, ☆)

y/n's biological father makes a surprise visit

don’t worry, darlin (F)

y/n calls George when she gets a little too drunk

do u think i have forgotten? (F, S)

George asks y/n is he can propose to her mom

PART 2 - about you

a change or heart (F, S)

George and Charli help y/n through a breakup

daughter!r

not dying, no, just lying (S, F)

y/n blames herself for George's depression

healy!r

is there somebody who can watch u? (F)

George takes care of y/n for the day while matty is sick

r o s s m a c d o n a l d

Daughter!r

instead of living in your head (A,S)

ross finds out y/n has dyslexia

i can stage a situation (A, S, !)

ross finds out about y/n's eating disorder

making an aesthetic out of not doing well (A, F, S)

ross and y/n talk about her schools struggles

playing on my mind (A, S)

y/n is afraid she won't see her dad again

alright, baby (S, F)

y/n gets her first period and her dad is there to help

Actor masterlist

Marvel masterlist

handy dandy notebook🤍

WIP ✏️