#a part of her shell fell after I recorded this video

[sillystanleystuff]

Just posted two Elizabeth videos 💪

[trashytummiez]

Story Prompt: Mina does the Coke and Mentos challenge and ends up with a bubbly belchy belly afterwards.

Warning: contains belly kink bloating burps fluff hiccups indigestion nausea tummy play tummy rubs

"Is it recording?" Mina asked in her casual wares standing in a field.

Kirishima gave a thumbs up from behind his phone whilst recording his girlfriend.

Mina grinned and waved back at the camera. "Hiiiii guys! Soooo we read your comments on the last challenge video and since so many of you requested it we're gonna tackle the coke and mentos challenge!" She held up a thick 2 liter bottle of diet coke with a pack of mentos. "Seems easy enough don'tcha think?"

"You got this dude!" Kirishima encouraged her from behind the camera.

"Let's find out!" Mina said excitedly then pouted at the camera. "If I get sick though I'm totally blaming this on Mineta. Don't act like you weren't one of the commentators you little purple creep!"

Her pout turned to an eager and confident grin.

"Anyway! Let's do this!"

She opened the mentos pack and popped a mentos into her mouth.

"Now I keep hearing mixed things that you're not supposed to chew them or anything right? So," she dipped her head back and swallowed the mentos whole which made a tiny lump emerge from the front of her pink neck until it sank down her gullet with a light squelch. Mina popped another mentos into her mouth and did the same thing of swallowing it whole. She did that for about five or six mentos then huffed softly. "Wow swallowing those whole doesn't feel the best," she complained rubbing her throat softly but that discomfort was short lived. "But that should make them more reactive so lets get this challenge started for reals!"

Now came the fun part.

Mina cracked open her 2 liter bottle of diet coke and lifted it up to her lips so she could begin chugging it down. She rested her eyes shut as she took in big thick gulps of soda. Her throat throbbed and rippled with the passage of fizzy diet sugar water flowing down her gullet all at once.

"Wow you're really guzzlin' that stuff down!" Kirishima exclaimed with an impressed whistle.

Mina continued chugging at an impressive rate. She got the soda down to its label in one go without stopping and Kirishima cheering her on for every second of her chugging.

Eventually she pulled the bottle away and panted so heavily that some soda dribbled from her mouth. In the midst of her panting she gave a short but foamy sounding burp. She covered her mouth after then immediately blew her hand back with a massive burp. That one belted out of her so hard that Kirishima would've sworn that even he could feel it.

The boy laughed heavily behind the camera. "Gahahahah! Dude nice! That was real manly!"

"Whew! Wow!" Mina exclaimed and patted her tummy in an impressed sort of way. "Ungh man that was so loud!"

"How're ya feelin' so far?" Kirishima asked.

Mina rubbed her stomach experimentally and pouted in contemplation. "Kinda full but..." she paused while she rubbed and gave a look of discomfort. Then she gripped her stomach a little more firmly and gave another powerful burp that left her panting and left Kirishima laughing. "Unf...'kay I'm definitely feelin' a lil bubbly," Mina admitted and rubbed her belly gently from side to side. Then she grinned again. "But nothin' I can't handle!"

So she went back to swigging her beverage down. Mina could always get a lot of liquids down since her body burned through whatever she ate slightly faster from the acid she secretes warming her body temperature up. The more soda filled her tummy up though the more the mentos began to react. By not chewing them up first those minty shells fizzed with the soda in her stomach and reacted much more violently than they otherwise would have. It was getting so bad that Kirishima could actually hear Mina's belly gurgling from where he was standing.

"Dude I think I can actually hear yer stomach gurglin'! This is pretty intense ain't it," Kirishima asked.

Mina nodded while she chugged her bottle down. One hand rested on her tummy and rubbed it softly up and down. It was beginning to look bloated from both the soda she's downed and all the bubbles filling her up. And the churning noises were only getting louder by the second.

She eventually had to pull away again and catch her breath. Only for a grizzly sounding burp to erupt out of her mouth with extreme force. Mina gasped when that one left her system then patted her belly and burped again. "Oooh dude I don't feel good," Mina complained and held her bloated tummy with both hands. She held a hand over her mouth and gave an incredibly thick closed mouth burp.

Kirishima frowned with concern for her girlfriend. "D'ya wanna stop? We can take a break or call it quits. I don't want'cha gettin' sick or anything."

But Mina shook her head. She opened her mouth to start speaking but ended up burping hard instead which made her cover her mouth. "Nuh uh. Plus ultra right? It's just some silly challenge. Nothing we can't-" Mina interrupted herself with a large burp then covered her mouth again. "...Unf...handle."

She brought the bottle stubbornly to her lips and was about to chug but had to stop and burp again. One thing was certain this challenge was making her incredibly gassy. But that didn't stop her.

Mina powered on through. She guzzled the drink down while the fizz in her belly intensified. Her stomach was expanding more from the carbonation and all the soda she was drinking to the point where her normally flat tummy was looking a little round behind her tight shirt.

She continued chugging with a fiery look of determination in her eyes.

Kirishima cheered her on inspired by that very determination. "You got this dude! What's a lil soda compared to a hero right?!"

...He got really inspired by her determination.

It was getting painful though. The churning bubbling in Mina's tummy was growing aggressive with a sickly acidity to it. It made her throat feel sour and raw with a light burning in her chest.

But still Mina chugged on without any signs of quitting.

Until she somehow managed to down every last drop of the bottle. After swallowing the rest down she flipped the bottle upside down and shook it to show not a drop fall out.

"Ha! Done...!" Mina panted confidently yet exhaustedly. Suddenly she dropped the bottle and her hands flew to her belly in time for the girl to unleash the single loudest and longest burp she'd ever uttered clocking in at ten seconds straight!

Kirishima fell in love with her all over again.

"...Dude. That was the manliest thing I've ever seen...!" he muttered in absolute awe.

Mina just gasped like she was out of breath then burped again.

"God I feel so bloated," Mina moaned and took a moment to massage her bloated tummy with both hands. But she managed a grin back at the camera. "Okay guys! Challenge beaten!" She paused to give a really deep closed mouth burp that rumbled heavily behind her lips. "Ungh...mostly. Anyway! If you have any other challenges you wanna see me or my boyfriend doing hit us up in the comments below! And as always th-aaAAAAAANKsss-for watching...!"

Kirishima snickered when Mina accidentally burped the word 'thanks' out but that seemed like as good a time as any to stop recording.

The second he did Kirishima put the phone in his pocket and helped Mina sit down on the grass so he could help her feel a little better. He very gently started to rub her tummy up and down while she leaned back and groaned.

"Ooooooh I don't feel good..." Mina groaned out. Her stomach gurgled thickly in agreement.

"I'll bet. That sounds gnarly..." Kirishima admitted. He gently rubbed over the rounded crest of Mina's stomach using the heel of his palm to knead into it as he rubbed. "Still. Ya did a real good job! That was so manly the way ya powered through yer own discomfort like that!"

Mina turned her head and held a fist against her mouth in time to let rip a big closed mouth burp that she could barely contain behind her lips. The sound rumbled in her mouth heavily for a few seconds and left her breezily blowing the gas off to the side. "Unnngh...urhp...I'd call it a draw really. The challenge is kinda kicking my butt right now..."

"Naw you got this," Kirishima encouraged her and kneaded an especially tense part of her belly. The burp that the pink girl released after that was so strong that even Kirishima could feel it reverberating in his own body.

"Ohhhh that felt good," Mina moaned palming the side of her tummy in a deeply satisfied way.

Kirishima grinned while he kneaded her belly some more to help work more gas out. "Hahah~ I love that."

"What me burping?"

"Naw! Like-well okay that's pretty awesome too-but like the way ya don't get all embarrassed by it even though we're out in public. It's so fearless and manly!"

Mina giggled and instantly regretted it when the giggles jiggled her tummy around and made her hiccup. She covered her mouth but managed a grin back at Kirishima. "Got a thing for tomboys do ya?"

The red-haired boy scratched his cheek and blushed lightly. "...Kinda."

"Well for the record I have a thing for manly boys like you. So..." Mina leaned over and kissed Kirishima's cheek making the boy blush even harder than he already was.

She grinned satisfied but her belly gave another painfully gaseous grumble that left her groaning with discomfort. "Ohhhh man that still feels rough..."

"Here lemme help," Kirishima said.

He eagerly kneaded into Mina's tummy sliding his hand under her shirt so he could knead his fingers directly against her soft pink stomach. His fingers were hardened ever so slightly by focusing his hardening quirk into them. Kirishima compressed them into the tightest part of Mina's belly hoping to unknot her stomach muscles.

But in the process of pressing into her belly like that he dislodged a sizable pressure pocket.

Mina lurched sharply when that happened and covered her mouth like she was about to be sick. Instead her hand was blown back as she let out a giant record breaking burp. It carried on for several seconds. Not as long as that ten second burp she gave when she finished the bottle but around there and arguably louder and gassier. In fact Kirishima could feel the gas exiting so hard from her stomach that he felt her flesh jiggle ever so slightly. The feeling had him blushing even harder.

When that enormous gas bubble had been dislodged from her tummy Mina gasped breathlessly like a weight had been lifted from her stomach. Then she slapped her belly with one hand and gave another huge burp. And with that came another long throaty burp. That massive displacement of air caused the rest of the air in her stomach to come rushing up.

After letting out one last especially lengthy burp Mina flopped backwards onto her back with her arms at her sides and sighed heavily.

"Hhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh...ohhhhh that feels soooooooo much better..."

Kirishima grinned a big fang-filled grin and gave her a thumbs up. "Dude that was epic!"

Mina smiled heavenly back at Kirishima. "Couldn't have done it without my manly man's help."

At this rate Kirishima was blushing so hard that his face was matching his red hair after a while.

[tmnt-mags]

Raphael x Fem!Reader

Part 2/ ??

Just a reminder that the timeline and ages have been adjusted so that i don't feel uncomfortable. Also the reader will be 18 by the time anything starts happening.

Warnings: some mention of sexual stuff but not really.

Im completely new to TMNT fanfic. Please be nice I’m just doing this for fun.

I stared at the 4 large turtles and they stared back. April sighed and guessed what I had come out of my room for. She stepped back to the kitchen to go into the laundry room and grabbed my sweater. She brought it to me and gave me a push to my room.

“Go put on some clothes.” she said as I stumbled back to my room in shock. I heard some voices in the living room.

“What the fuck April?” one of them said.

“What? I never said It would be just us and you never asked if she would be here.” April said and I could practically see her shrugging.

“You never mentioned she lived here.” It was a nervous slightly higher voice that spoke this time.

“Oh I didn’t?” That voice sounded far too innocent to be innocent. I pulled on some shorts and pulled on the sweater. I rubbed my hair with the towel and walked back out only to see that they appeared to be leaving.

“Sooooo, is this why you said they were shy and didn't like meeting new people?” I asked. The brothers stopped and turned toward me. I probably looked like a mess. My hair was a wet and tangled and my face was probably red from the warm water and exfoliating scrub I had used.

“Do you have any questions?” April asked and turned to the boys, “sit down, you're being rude.” The boys sat back down, and I shuffled my feet feeling awkward.

“Well yeah, but I'm not sure how to ask them without them sounding mean.” I moved my hands behind my back and fidgeted.

“You can ask me anything you want baby angelcakes.” The short one with an orange mask said.

“Ummm okay. Well....” I took a deep breath.” okay so... Right okay.” I started and stopped a few times looking between all of them.

“It's okay, you can ask us anything.” The nervous voice said. It belonged to a very tall turtle who had a purple mask and glasses on.

“Right! Okay,” I bit the inside of my cheek and thought about the best way to start.” So you’re green.”

The boys nodded as I cringed at my very obvious observation. I looked over at April.

“These are your new friends?” my sister nodded and I turned back to the brothers.” You- you’re all very big.”

“This is some real smart conversation.” The biggest one in red said gruffly. I looked up with furrowed eyebrows.

“You’ll have to forgive me. I didn't expect to walk out of my room to this. This is very confusing and new and I don't wanna be rude so I’m trying to think of how to ask things with being that.” I said looking at him.

“How about we introduce ourselves first.” The turtle in blue suggested and I nodded my head, “My name is -”

“Allow me!” the orange one interrupted. He was suddenly right next to me with an arm around my shoulder. “I’ve been working on an introduction!” He motioned over to the purple one who gave a small smile. “Donatello is over there in the purple, he's a technical genius, who is technically a genius!”

He turned me and moved his arm to point at the big one, “Raphael’s in the red, he's like a big cuddly teddy bear, if big cuddly teddy bears were incredibly violent.” Raphael shook his head and scoffed.

“This is Leonardo. He's in the blue. Our fearless leader, silent but deadly.” This turtle rolled his eyes at the orange one. He suddenly let go of me and with a flourish presented himself.

“And I'm Michelangelo, sporting my signature orange. I'm a triple threat... Brains, brawn, and obviously a dazzling personality,” he leaned in and wiggled what I guessed were eyebrows under the mask. “ Ladies like to call me Mikey.”

“Are you done?” Leonardo asked. Mikey shrugged and smiled.

“Well it's nice to meet you. April told me alot,” I looked over at my sister, “obviously not everything though.”

“Would you have believed me?” my darling sister asked me.

“Ummm, no probably not.” I looked at the turtles and my eyes widened. “They are the vigilantes aren't they! The ones you came home freaking out about!”

The boys looked over at April who gave a simple yes as an answer.

“Okay, so you are turtles right? Or like maybe aliens?” I questioned.

Donatello spoke up.“We are mutant turtles”

“And we’re ninjas.” interjected Raphael.

“Huh,” I looked down and tried to process it, “Somehow I feel like aliens would have been easier to accept. We have this kind of science?” I looked back up at the glasses wearing turtles.

“Oh there's lots of science that the public doesn't know about!” He said it much too cheerfully for my taste.

“That's kind of a terrifying thought.” I sighed and moved past the brothers and sat in a chair. They all rather hesitantly sat down too. “This is kind of a lot to process.”

“You’re doing better than April did.” Leonardo said helpfully.

“Seriously? What did she do?” I was eager to find out.

“She fainted.” the deep voice of Raphael said. I laughed out loud and turned to look over the chair at April who groaned.

“You went out looking for the vigilantes and passed out when you found them?” I giggled.

“It's not my proudest moment. Do you want some pizza?” She walked out of the room.

“Don’t try to distract me with food, but yes please!” I turned back to the brothers.”God I wish I could have seen that.”

“I probably have a video of it. I record a bunch of our patrols.” I wiped my head over to donatello.

“If you do I swear to god I will kiss you.” I said excitedly, not really noticing the way the turtles all suddenly looked. “Oh do you guys go by your full names or do you all have nicknames like Mikey?”

“Uh-” Leonardo cleared his throat, “Yeah I go by Leo,” He pointed at Donatello, “He goes by Donnie.”

“And I go by Raph.” I looked up at him.

“You know, that name suits you.” I turned my attention to the plate of pizza that was now being presented to me by my sister.

We all settled in and talked. They told me about how they met April and how they found out they actually already knew her. I wasn't happy when I found out she had anything to do with the Sacks building and I didnt know how to handle finding out that not only was she thrown from the top of the building but also was on the spire as it fell to the ground.

Leo, Donnie, and Mikey all seemed to relax as the night went on, but Raph didn't. At least not in a way that I could notice. We hung out until late and I didnt remember falling asleep but I woke up the next morning on the couch.

Turtles-

“Wow, I can’t believe we met Donnies future wife.” Mikey joked as the jumped rooftops to get home.

“Shut up Mikey!” Donnie yelled back.

“I bet your gonna start looking for that video right away so you can get a kiss~” Mikey sang gleefully

“Shut up mikey!” Raph warned his brother. He wasn't sure why but the idea of it made him mad.

“Oh but dudes! When she came out in that towel! All dripping wet and barely covered! My shell felt tight.”

Enough Michaelangelo!” Leo snapped at his brother, “That’s April's little sister and I don't think she would want you talking like that.”

“Oh fine! But she was hot dudes. Like seriously hot!” Mikey yelped as Raph punched him in the arm and went ahead. The shortest turtle whined and followed after Raph complaining about his arm. When they got to the lair Donnie grabbed Leo.

“Do you think that she would really kiss me if I had that video?” He didn't want to get any hopes up but the opportunity was almost too good to pass up. Leo stopped and looked at his brother.

“I don't know Donnie. Maybe. She seems like a nice girl so maybe she would or maybe she was joking.”Leo shrugged, “but you can certainly try.”

The two walked off and didn't notice raph glaring at them. He didn't like that either, and He wasn't sure why he felt so upset about it. He thought back on tonight. How careful she was with her questions so that they wouldn't sound mean, how she didn't really freak out or run away when she saw them. Mikey was right too, she looked so good when she came into the living room, and he was kind of happy that April didn’t tell her they were coming over. Then when she came back out in the large green sweater, he wasn’t ashamed to admit that his shell also felt tight. She was small and pretty, and April was right; she did have curves for days. She looked soft and warm. She was sweet with a bit of sass. Raph sighed as he laid down and thought of (y/n).

She was their age. The first person they had met that was so close in age to them. It was strange but really nice. He wanted to get closer and he wondered how close she would let them get. There was just something he really didn't like about the way Mikey talked about her or Donnie actually wanting her to kiss him.

[zankivich]

Corona Diares pt 2: An Arrangement Sequel

a/n: Hello. Something must be in the air. OR, you’re all trapped in your houses and paying my pics more attention than when I actually wrote them lol. Either way I felt inspired to write this and would LOVE to point out that I planned this entire chapter out before the the S + C bullshit was even a thing. I quite enjoy this. I love talking about mental health. It’s so serious and so underrepresented and so poorly represented. I wanted to show a black woman dealing with it and one way, not the only way, that a partner can be supportive during that. If you like it let me know. And if you have ANY ideas for this series please please please share them with me because this was the last idea I had. K bye! 

WARNINGS: Depression, discussions of mental health, a very worried husband just wanting to love his wife

*Shawn’s point of view*

After the first month, he notices a change. When they can no longer go out to the store to shop anymore and have to get everything delivered. No more throwing random things at her to build dishes around. When she can’t go to get her hair done, or go on friendship dates with Ti. She gets a little down, not as energetic and bubbly as is her nature. Even the level of sass she seemed to whip at him with incredible comedic timing was at odds. It’s not that he’s not enough for her, it’s just that all the other parts of her life outside of him seem to dry up. There’s not much managing to do, beyond giving their artists a break. Her world domination halts when the world does. And what he’s left with is a rare and devastating vision. A depressed y/n.

At first he’s not super concerned. The whole world was turned upside down. They were witnessing history on a day-by-day basis. Who wasn’t a little sad?! At first, she just takes a little longer to get out of bed. So, he cooks them breakfast after his morning workout. But then she starts to zone out for shorter and then longer periods of time. One day he notices that for an hour during a movie, she just stares out the window. Barely blinking. Never moving. Just sat still. And then come the naps.

“Babe, I have a headache. I’m gonna go lie down for a little while, okay?” She murmured, placing her hand on his shoulder as she stood up.

He peered up at her with concern.

“Of course. You want me to make you some peppermint tea? We can watch movies in bed if you want. I’ll rub your back.”

She smiled a smile so small it barely touched her face. It was nothing like the beautiful wide-toothed grin he fell so deeply in love with.

“You’re incredible, but I think I just need to lie in the dark for a little while. I’ll feel better and then we make some fresh gnocchi for dinner.”

Her gnocchi was one of his favorites. So, of course he nodded and kissed her fingers as she slipped away. He tried his best to stay quiet the rest of the day, sticking to the other side of the house as he played guitar, or video games, or piano. As the day grew later, he went about prepping the potatoes for the gnocchi. He cleaned, scrubbed, and pierced the potatoes before placing them in the oven to bake. He even went about setting up the pans, olive oil, salt. Anything they might need. He grated the parm himself.

When the potatoes had but about ten minutes left to go, he finally made his way upstairs. Their bedroom was dark, the light outside the hallway even turned off. He flicked it on as he stepped quietly inside on raised toes. She was on her side of the bed curled up in the entirety of their comforter. Her bonnet was missing, something he wasn’t sure he’d ever seen before. He wasn’t nervous yet though, so he just assumed it had fallen off in her movement.

“Sweetheart. Hey, I went ahead and got everything prepped for dinner. I thought we could listen to some records while we cook? Maybe open a bottle of wine if you want.”

Her eyes opened. And she looked near him. But she was completely and utterly away. Like her body was a shell and she’d fallen within the depths of herself, hidden away and unwilling to come out. She took one look at him and shook her head before rolling to the otherside of the bed.

“I can’t.”

“Oh...Okay. Well how about I do the cooking, give you a little more time to rest. I’ll come get you after.”

“No Shawn I...I can’t.” She whispered.

This is where the worry started to creep in. Let’s just say he was very good at worrying.

“What is it? Is it your head still? Maybe you should take something.”

“I just...You gotta leave me alone for now, okay? I need to sleep.”

And that was where things started to shift. Because she sounded broken. Not sick, not hurt, but just absolutely broken. Like she might cry if he asked her again, might completely break down and never come back to herself. The most surprising piece of this new territory that he found himself in was that...she didn’t want him near. In a relationship where every pain, every fear, every insecurity thus far had been comforted, if not cured, by the presence of the other, for the first time in his marriage, his wife wanted to be away from him in the midst of her sadness. This was a phenomena he knew nothing about how to manage

He goes back to the kitchen and busies  his hands with gnocchi, in part because he had nothing better to do, and in part because he thought he might freak out if he didn’t. Silly him for thinking the concentration on the physical could do anything to silence his mental. At first he wondered if it might be the virus, and that was a terrifying thought all on its own. y/n had made it clear from the jump that their celebrity would not be an excuse for privilege in the face of death caused by oppression. They had not been tested for the virus when half the industry had without symptoms. Even in Canada where healthcare was far better, she was more concerned with donating to others. But she wasn’t exactly showing symptoms, and she didn’t really seem sick. More than anything he couldn’t shake the loneliness in her eyes. Like he could hug her for hours and it wouldn’t make a bit of difference. That wasn’t a virus. That was something else.

So as the fear of the virus hitting the love of his life ebbed, what remained in its place was a sort of terror about the unknown. And he tried to be positive, tried to imagine the next morning when she’d come bounding down the stairs singing a song beneath her breath and looking for eggs for breakfast. However, Shawn couldn’t shake the idea that his wife was experiencing something new entirely, something that she herself may have never navigated before. And he simply may have no idea how to help her out of it. He was scared shitless.

*Three Days Later*

She hasn’t left the room once. In the middle of day two he had insisted on taking her temperature. She wasn’t even ninety-eight degrees. No dry cough. No trouble breathing or wheezing or anything. She was physically fine in the technical sense. But God was she far from fine. On the third day, he was so terrified he didn’t know what to do. So, he reached for the blanket and tried to wiggle it away from her. The result was catastrophic. She just absolutely fell apart. She cried and cried and cried until her cheeks were soggy, until her eyes were red, and all she could do was stare at him in helplessness.

“Why? Why are you doing this to me?” She cried at him.

He had never seen her so quiet. So timid. So dull. It was everything that she wasn’t, and it shook him to his very core.

“Please. Y/n I love you so much. Y--You’re scaring me, sweetheart. I just want to help. You’ve been lying in bed for three days now and I’m trying to help. Just tell me what you need, and I’ll fix it okay? I need you to tell me what’s happening.”  

She shook her head and rolled onto her back, legs curled awkwardly beneath themselves. He sees a tear pool on the apple of her cheek and then spill over and down the side of the face he hadn’t kissed in days.

“Don’t you understand? You can’t fix it. They’re dying Shawn. They--they’re gonna die.”

“Who’s gonna die?”

Her face crumpled then and she covered her mouth as a sob let loose that cracked into his chest and tore open his own heart.

“All of those people. Who can’t afford to stay home from the restaurants, from the grocery stores. The people who got fired and can’t afford rent. The people without homes, without safety nets. They’re gonna die. Because we allowed them to. Because we created a system that needs their death to remain sustainable. They’re gonna die. And then we’re gonna die. And it’s all gonna be for nothing. The protesting, the political statements in interviews, the canvassing door to door. It will mean nothing under eradication.”

This wasn’t pessimism under a patriarchal, racist system. This wasn’t y/n on her soap box complaining about the white man, or teaching him about the intersections of oppression. This was something different entirely. This was like watching the love of his life suffocate. He was literally watching her worry herself into a frenzy.

“Y/n, you have to breathe. You’re not breathing.” He mumbled crawling deeper into the bed to get beside her.

She shook her head vigorously back and forth, the tears pooling into puddles on their bed.

“I can’t--I can’t see my way out of it. It’s like... it’s crushing me from above and below. Like I’m sandwiched between it. T--there’s no light. There’s nothing.”

“Okay, okay just uh--give me a second to think...Can I lie down next to you?”

She shrugged more than nodded, but he took it for what it was and crawled in next to her. His thumb wiped at her cheeks, chasing away the tears as she worked to breathe. Her chest rose and fell in rapid succession. And all he could do was reach out and place his hand slowly over her heart, his lips falling to her ear. Everything was measured, intentional, because he didn’t want to scare her anymore.

“I used to have panic attacks as a kid. Listen to the way that I breathe. Try to match it. Don’t focus on getting it right, just do your best. I’m right here, okay?” He whispered. “Your body knows how to breathe. You just have to remember.”

He took a few deep breaths, slowly in and out against her ear. Her heart was hammering, and he knew that before they addressed the existential dread, he needed to calm her heart down. He was glad that in that moment her hand wasn’t on his chest, because she might feel the way that his heart beat just as fast. He was terrified, not of her, but for her. He knew this was the “in sickness and health” part of the deal, and more than anything he just wanted to be good to her. He didn’t want to see her suffer. So despite the crippling fear of getting it wrong, of saying the wrong thing, he had to try. He’d do anything for her.

“Find something to focus on.” He offered still breathing in and out in exaggerated slowness. “I--It can be the ceiling, or anything really as long as it’s not moving. Sometimes it helps. You’re doing good. It’s gonna be okay, babe.”

At first she just flounders. Y/n was a woman good at most things with an ease and precision that could make him feel insecure at times. In this moment though she just couldn’t seem to get the hang of it no matter what she did. Every moment she didn’t succeed only seemed to ramp her heart rate up further.

When she chooses to look at him, to use him to focus, he almost cries. But instead he smiles at her. And he keeps breathing with her. And slowly, slowly, slowly, she floats back down to him. And she sort of just collapses on his chest in a mangled heap. He wouldn’t have it any other way.

“It’s okay.” He whispered kissing at her hair. “I’m right here, my love.”

And she falls asleep again there. With him holding her. He’d rather it be that way. He can only hopes she feels the same

***

He puts out a call on instagram and twitter. He doesn’t name names, but he asks some of his friends if they were experiencing anything like y/n, or if they knew how to help loved ones who were. The next day, he lets her stay in bed just because it breaks his heart when she cries. And also in the hope that he could do a little digging to get her some help.

He’s on an instagram live playing guitar and staring off into space with a blunt in his mouth when the chat starts going crazy.

“What’s going on guys?” He asked, reaching to scroll past the words.

He just kept seeing the words GAGA over and over again. In hindsight it may have been obvious, but he was a bit of a dumbass...and stoned.

“Gaga? What does that stand for? Is that some sort of internet slang I’m already too old to understand?”

He pulled the phone closer to his face and finally saw someone who said: No dumbass. Lady Gaga is in the chat and she wants to speak with you. Woops.

“Holy shit.”

It takes him honest to god ten minutes to figure out how to get her into the video. His fans make no qualms about laughing at him while he does it either. Eventually she’s there and it’s like the first human connection he’s had in days. And he can’t quite explain it but there’s a part of him that wants to cry.

“Hello Lady! I hear you like to be called Lady, is that okay?” He asked.

She smiled through the tiny image on the screen and gave a slight nod.

“Lady is perfectly fine. Your wife calls me Lady all the time...Actually she likes to call me lil Lady. She’s the only one who gets to call me that though.”

“Sounds like her. I’ll stick to Lady then. H--How are you doing right now? Thank you for joining me here.”

“Of course, of course. You know I saw what you posted on twitter the other day and I’ve just been thinking about it so much. I wanted to give it some genuine thougth before I responded, and then I saw you were going live, so I thought I’d give it a shot.” She explained. “It’s hard isn’t it? I’m healthy and I’m safe and I can take care of my family, so I’ve got nothing to worry about. But uh people are dying. And people don’t have the same resources we have, so I just kind of feel like a piece of shit most days. Like I gotta do something ya know?”

He takes a breath so deep it stuns him a little. His fingers still on the guitar and he just looks up at the ceiling and nods. She gets it. Maybe better than he does. Definitely better than he does.

“I do. My uh--y/n. She said the other day that it’s like we allowed it to happen. We as in society, the big ‘we’. And we did in a way. It’s in who we vote into office, who we confront about their world views, who we question and who we don’t. It kind of feels like a culmination of what a lot of us have been saying for a long time. And nobody would listen. Nobody would change. And so this is the card we’ve been dealt.” He sighed. “But you’re right. It’s not gonna be me, or you, or any of the assholes in office. I--It’s gonna be the people we were fighting alongside the whole time. The people without a fanbase, or the ability to write a check. So what the fuck do we do?”

It’s the wildest thing. He’s talking to Lady Gaga, but she’s got no make up on and she’s sitting cuddled up on her couch in glasses. And he’s at home in his studio. The only place where he makes sense. And they’re talking through the hurt together. It’s a collective hurt that seems to permeate through the screen. But at least they can wrestle with it together.

“I think we have to be willing to put ourselves on the line. We got to stand up and offer what we can, because it’ll always be more. And not like the bullshit sing a longs ya know? Like dollars, and pushing of the political agendas, and more dollars. That’s only way we get out of this, all of us, together.”

She’s kind of a genius. The way she spoke reminded him of y/n and the way she would talk sometimes. It was the kind of way of speaking that made you know she could change the world. And it only hurt his heart all the more that she was in such a space.

“Can I ask you a mental health question?”

“Oh of course?”

“I know that you’ve been open with your own experience andI guess I was just wondering… well first how you’re doing in this moment? And then I have someone close to me who’s really struggling under the weight of all of these things we’re talking about. And I don’t really know how to help them, but I really want to.”

She took him seriously which was nice and listened empathetically in a way that didn’t make him feel so alone.

“Absolutely. You know it’s--it’s hard to get out of bed some days. And some days I don’t. For me personally, channeling my energy towards finding funding and aid for people has been helpful. I’m an italian girl so I want to fix shit immediately ya know?” She giggled. “So I’m doing okay today, and I’ve learned to be happy with where I’m at, to try not to push myself towards something I don’t have. Is your loved one okay?”

He could feel the part of himself that was being pulled towards the stairs to get to her. He could still remember the whine she let out when he asked her if she wanted to shower that day. His heart hurt for her and because of her, as it belonged to her.

He shook his head softly and she frowned back at him.

“She--They haven’t gotten out of bed in four days now. N--not really eating. Cries a lot, and they’re really not a big crier. I just wanna make it better, but I guess I don’t know how.” He mumbled. “It’s hard to tell ‘em it’s gonna be better when it feels like that might never happen ya know?”

She nods and suddenly it’s like a huge therapy session for him, which only makes him feel a bit more like a piece of shit. But he’d do anything if it meant she felt better.

“Let me guess. You tried giving her space? Thought maybe she’d snap out of it?”

He gets the feeling she knows exactly who he’s talking about it and the pretenses sort of melt away.

“Yea. It’s kind of driving me crazy though. We’re not really the distance type.”

“Of course.” She smiled. “I can’t really explain what’s going on in her head. It’s different for everybody. What I can offer is only a suggestion if what’s currently happening isn’t working. Just go lie next to her. It might not be today. It might not be this week, but there are moments in and out of it--kinda like a fog? And in those moments of clarity, Shawn? There is nothing worse than finding yourself alone. I can promise you that.”

He nods, hanging onto every word that she speaks. In all honesty the genius of women had never gone unnoticed to him. It was a part of what always made him realise what an idiot his father was.

“Look, still get up. Work out. Shower. Eat. But when you can...be there. And let me know if that helps. In the meantime I think I’ve got a bit of an idea, would you mind if I sent you something?”

“Absolutely. Send away.”

The second the livestream ends he makes his way upstairs. She’s sat on his side of the bed this time, which makes him wonder what’s going on in her head. It’s clear that she’s awake, so he climbs in slowly after her. But this time he doesn’t press, doesn’t beg, doesn’t coax. He simply goes back to plucking at the strings of his guitar. And the reality is that nothing happens. He honestly doesn’t know if he helps even in the slightest. But he’s there. And that’s all that he could offer. He just hoped it was enough.

***

Day six she snuggles into his side for the entirety of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. She’s asleep, but it’s a win.

Day seven she lets him open the curtains for a while.

Day eight she asks him if they can take a bath. He gets a little overzealous. Pulls out the bubbles and the bath salts and the bath bombs. In the end, when she takes her bonnet off for the first time, her curls are flattened and stuck together. He asks if he can wash it for her. She pauses but tells him she’s afraid she won’t be able to get out of bed again to rinse out a deep condition. So they make a deal to sit in the tub long enough for the conditioner to penetrate, and then he rinses it for her. She spends a long time with her head pressed against his chest, bubbles popping into thin air against their skin.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered, tears welling up again. “‘M so sorry.”

“Shhh. I love you more than life. I’d do this every day. I don’t need an apology okay?”

The bath drains her. He gets her into a robe and she crawls immediately back into bed. There’s no time to detangle her hair for her. She goes to sleep and lets her curls mat against the pillow. He doesn’t stop her.

Day nine she comes downstairs for lunch. He makes her soup. She finds an old loaf of bread and drizzles olive oil over it before broiling it. It’s the first cooking she’s done in days and he beams with pride, he’s sure of it. They get her hair detangled together. She cries at the puff of hair that comes from the comb. He holds her for a while and then helps her back up the stairs.

Day ten is a movie on the couch.

Day eleven she walks around outside with him.

It sometimes feels like the tiniest of steps, but every day seems to get a little bit better. She cries and sleeps and still seems to think herself into a frenzy, and yet he gets to see her slowly come back to herself. It’s not until two full weeks after the first incident that she finally talks to him about any of it.

He was in the bathroom shaving and she walked in on socked feet wearing one of his sweatshirts and apparently nothing else. He could still only beam at her like crazy. It was practically in his DNA to be smitten by that woman.

“Hi.” She whispered to him in the mirror.

“Hello. I like your sweatshirt by the way.”

She smiled. The first smile he’d seen in weeks. And it drove him giddy. So giddy he slipped and cut himself like an idiot.

“Ah shit.” He mumbled touching at the cut.

“Are you alright?” She asked him and reached on her toes to touch his shoulders.

He couldn’t quite explain the intimacy her touch brought. Or how starved he’d felt of the feeling. Truly the thought had never occurred to him in the past few weeks. Despite their active and frankly adventerous sex-life, a day hadn’t gone by when he thought about anything but her wellbeing. So why, oh why was he ready to fall to his knees and cry for her off the touch of a goddamn shoulder?

He nodded shakily. “Just a knick, sweetheart. You look...you seem--you know? Good today. Better than the past few days.”

“Yea I--I feel different. Good different.”

“Yea?”

She peered up at him. “Yea. But maybe I should let you finish up here. I could make us some eggs and toast maybe? I--I don’t think I’m ready for much else.”

“Eggs and toast sound great. I’ll be right down.”

“Okay.”

She nodded to herself like she needed the confirmation that she could do it before turning on her heel.

“Y/n?”

“Yea?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

***

“I still don’t really know what happened. I’ve never experienced anything like that before.”

He reached for the hand not occupied with playing with her eggs and squeezed.

“Did you ever have depression or anxiety before? Maybe to a lesser degree?”

Y/n snorted. “Depression? Anxiety? In my mother’s household? I love her dearly but black mothers aren’t exactly rolling out the welcome mat to therapy. My mother had one goal, to keep a roof over my head, and she didn’t make room for much else. We didn’t have time to be sad.”

He frowned. “Darling that sounds...honestly kind of terrible.”

“Maybe. But it’s the reality I grew up in. Depression has always been a white folks thing.”

“Well last I checked depression doesn’t know color, babe. And I think the fact that you lied in bed for two weeks means that there’s something bigger at play here.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. And he knew she was back by the way that eyebrow told him every word that would come out of her mouth before she said it.

“You know you’ve gotten bolder since you married me? I don’t like it.” She whined.

He chuckled softly and reached to push her dish out of reach. She’d taken to playing with the leftover scraps so that she didn’t have to look him in the eye, but he desperately needed her attention.

“If anything I’ve only fallen more in love with you. And I just wanna understand. I wanna help. If that means getting you to understand that you, my beautiful, intelligent wife are not immune to depression and anxiety, then I’m sorry we’ll simply have to work through it. I’m only interested in what’s best for you, you know that.”

She bit her lip and squeezed his hands, intertwining their fingers across the table. Her mouth dips into a frown as she finally reflects on her emotions.

“I just kept thinking about it. I mean constantly. I--I couldn’t stop. And it...made me sadder than I’ve ever been in my life.” She whispered. “Even now I’m imagining bodies. When I close my eyes that’s what I see. And I don’t know their names, I don’t know their faces, but I can feel their pain. And it is absolutely insufferable. It’s like this big, huge brick. And I can’t move it. I can’t get rid of it. It’s just there. All the fucking time.”

“That sounds terrifying baby.” He sighed holding onto her tighter. “I--I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way.”

“What the fuck am I supposed to do? See a therapist in the middle of a pandemic? Whine about my sadness while we live in a mansion and fucking cook all day while healthcare frontliners are pulling twenty-four hour shifts, and people can’t afford their bills? I don’t do this, Shawn. This isn’t me.” She sniffled.

He let go of her hands and wiped at her tears instead. This felt like a moment best spent with her cheeks in his palms anyway.

“Hey, having money doesn’t mean you don’t get to feel. In fact I think you’re the person who taught me that. What you’re feeling right now is nothing less than a product of your empathy and your willingness to care for people you’ve never even met. You need to be fucking kinder to yourself, do you hear me? It’s my wife you’re talking about.” He smiled. “We’ll get you whatever you need. But we will get it, and you don’t need to feel bad about that. I promised you the world didn’t I?”

She sighed and took a deep breath to calm herself, always feeling quite silly when he held her face that way. It’s why he did it.

“I do remember something to that effect.” she said dryly.

“Good. Now perhaps I could kiss you? It’s been quite a while for me.”

“It has...You may proceed.”

“Thank you, your majesty.” He chuckled and kissed her silly at the dining room table. “Hey I think I have an idea to balance how you’re feeling and still get you the help that you need.”

“Oh god. Every time you have an idea it always ends up with me having a damn heart attack.”

“I’ll keep the paddles near by.”

“Not funny!”

***

*y/n’s point of view*

Leave it to Lady Gaga to try and save the world. And leave it to her to reach out to Shawn and ask for your help when you couldn’t get out of bed. Women really do it all.

She called on a Sunday. She said she was sick of the instalives and the donation swipe up buttons and the rally cries that we were all in the same boat. She wanted to use her privilege, her money, and her big ass mouth to really get some change made. But she couldn’t do it alone. She had three people helping her thus far and they’d raised twenty million already. But, the reality was that the pandemic was disproportionately impacting black and brown bodies. If the thought of the pain and the death was really getting to you, this was essentially your shot to make some good out of it.

So, you went all out. Tyler Perry gave ten million up front. Normani donated five hundred thousand. Michael B. Jordan gave a million. Chadwick added two. Oprah heard Tyler gave ten so she gave fifteen. The messaging was simple. Our people are hurting, it’s our responsibility to help the very communities that no one else will. Besides, Shawn and you were putting up another ten million yourselves. Excuses were minimal.

Every one of your artists joined in on the One World: Together at Home, including the big man himself with the piano you bought him for your anniversary. It really was an amazing experience. That didn’t mean you were fixed though. Usually work in the midst of anything going on in your life was your MO, but you couldn’t manage to kick this one. There were still days where you just needed to sleep and sleep and try to forget the world was in turmoil. And the hardest part is seeing him lean over to your side of the best and whisper in your ear asking if there was anything he could do. There was so rarely anything he could do.

There’s a therapist. Black. Female. Located in Toronto but she was raised in Alabama. Shawn finds her when you don’t get out of bed again. It’s the most stern your husband had ever been with you, and even that was full of devastatingly warm gooiness.

“You need to talk to someone. And I understand that it can’t be me. I understand it needs to be someone who gets it and who can connect with you in all the ways that you’re hurting right now. So we’ll set up the zoom calls on the tv in your office, you can close the door; we never even have to talk about what goes on during your sessions. But, baby I...I can’t watch you just be in pain like this. Not anymore, okay? So you’re going to therapy dammit, do you hear me?”

And that’s the story of how you got a therapist for the first time in your life. Men. So dramatic.

***

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[superrman]

Grey 

Summery: TK got off the guy and fell to the side, punching a grown man took a lot out of a guy. This was not a pretty scene. He was next to an unconscious guy that he had just beaten the crap out of. His white t-shirt was covered in blood, his jeans had ripped, he could feel the black eye starting and his knuckles were bloodied.

“Maybe Austin really is a small town.”

The look on Carlos’s face, not ideal TK thought.

“TK….Fuck.” Normally TK would have loved those two words coming out of Carlos’s mouth, but currently Carlos was pointing his gun at him, looking like he wanted to punch him and hug him at the same time.

“Just for the record you do look as hot as I thought holding a piece.” Okay now he looked mad only. TK was so screwed.

Tags:  TK Strand/ Carlos Reyes Recreational Drug Use Angst Canon Compliant POV TK Strand Arrest Relapse

Word Count: 6295

A03 LINK 

Grey.

A concept that most people don’t understand. Whenever TK tried to explain what he meant to non-users they all looked somewhat confused. It was weird to TK’s own ears. But that’s how he felt. All of the time, how he currently felt.

Austin just didn’t fit right. Everything about it made his skin itch.

Okay so blaming the city was a little lame but he wanted to blame something other than his own mind.

He had just responded to an email from Alex. That was fun. Alex made a bunch of excuses you were never around, I was lonely, you cared more about your job -- he was his father’s son after all. But that last line; I know you were using again.

TK couldn’t deny that one, and to be fair they were all right. He had zoned out of his relationship, and just like his Dad had taught him, he made a grand gesture to make up for it. Ignore your family for a few weeks, come back with a pizza night and brand-new video games. Emotionally check out for a couple months, family vacation time. So, TK had figured the same principle applied to Alex and there relationship, ignore him and not be around, a proposal would fix all of that. It didn’t.

TK wished there had been a good reason for his relapse but there wasn’t. It was just easy. He had run into an old friend from his heavy using days, and one thing led to another, and he figured it wouldn’t hurt. One night. It made things easier. And then there was a hard call, they had watched a child die. He couldn’t sleep that night. Why not one more night of indulging. He wasn’t going to spiral out this time. He had a job, he had to be functional. It was only at night, never at the job. Only on his days off. Oxy was a blessing because half the time no one even knew he was high. That feeling. Nothing compared. He didn’t feel Grey, he felt the opposite, a kind of nothing, but a nothing that didn’t hurt, not physically not emotionally, he was floating, he was at peace. The world wasn’t peaceful but being high was. The sad part was while he was at peace the rest of the people in his life weren’t.

Accidental overdoses are easy. Your body naturally builds a tolerance to the oxy, and to achieve that perfect high well you need more, that moment of serenity that TK craved, he had to take more. In the past he had overdosed twice. And that night, that night Alex left him, that night, the night that he remembered he was just a shell, well maybe he wanted a more permanent source of peace.

And now what - what was he supposed to do? Deny it, Alex knew him better than that. He couldn’t pretend he didn’t check out or start using again but so what?  It didn’t excuse Alex cheating on him. Fuck. Couldn’t he have just left him, not replaced him? Why did he have to hurt him like that? Now what did he have?

Carlos.

God that guy was a mystery to TK. He was so hot, and kind, and sexy. Why was he trying to fix things between the two of them? They had started to go on dates. After the whole debacle at the police station, TK thought he had completely wrecked it. To be honest that was what he was aiming for. Completely destroying any chance of a relationship. No chance of getting hurt. Because if he was being honest, the whole situation had started to make him feel something. And TK had no desire for that.

He would hurt Carlos, or he’d make enough bad choices that Carlos would hurt him.

TK sighed, he had all of this excess energy. And nowhere to put it. His Dad was on shift, and now he was alone. Alone with his thoughts.

He wasn’t being drug tested for a while. And even then, it was easy to cheat the system. His Dad would watch him pee in a cup if he had to, but he didn’t know that you could easily pay off the med student in the lab to fake about the results. TK had done it more than once back in New York. He knew Texas would have broke college students too.

He could control it this time. Alex breaking his heart was an unexpected moment. But this time he would be careful. He wouldn’t hurt his Dad like that again.

So what if he got a little high at night. Who was he really hurting? He would keep it a secret.

Carlos didn’t know the signs. TK thought about sex high, god that was a nice feeling. But Carlos was a cop. He had to be extra careful. He would be.

He couldn’t buy a lot at a time, he had nowhere to hide the pills now, but that was better he could control it better that way.

TK knew that his Dad still checked around the house for pills.

Confident in his choices. This time he would hurt no one, because no one would ever know.

And that was how it started. One week passed. And TK enjoyed the sensation of getting away with the high. There was something so wrong, but it felt so right. No one knew.

It was the same feeling he had after he had gotten away with the barfight. The wrongness, the reckless edge. It made him feel alive. The fear of getting caught, it made him feel excited for what lay ahead. It was better than nothingness.

Sometimes TK was worried, his relationship with the crew was getting better. Marjan and Matteo were always cool with him. He and Judd had a weird bond. Paul was a cool dude. He was good during a night out. TK felt guilty he had indulged that night they went dancing. He figured if he got caught, he could play dumb and say he was spiked. He didn't have to worry, Carlos was too buzzed to notice anything. It was so reckless but so fun.

Should he be sober for the team? No, it wouldn’t hurt them, so why bother?

God, he loved getting away with the high.

It was helping with the ache.

Carlos was at work; he was complaining about his patrol schedule. It was so domestic. It made TK worry. They were getting comfortable.

His Dad was getting drinks with Michelle, so he was on his own. His Dad had assumed he was going to be with Carlos. He was still worried about leaving him on his own too often. TK couldn’t really blame him.

But guilt. Guilt was something TK was good at ignoring. The high was worth it.

There was a bar TK had found with a steady supply. The perks of working with first responders, you learn the spots for drugs because it was part of the job.

TK headed out, blasting his music, trying to quiet his mind. Ignore the guilt. No shame. He wasn’t wrong. No one was getting hurt.

It was a lively night as always. TK laughed at the clichéness of the bucking bronco mechanical bull. Sometimes Texas was really Texas. It was full of college aged kids having a good time. Ideal for a dealer.

TK saw his dealer. Crap he had a dealer already. No time to dwell on that.

He followed the guy into the men’s room, the only place without cameras, and easily exchanged the cash for a small bag of pills.

“You know I can give you a better deal for a higher quantity, right?” TK had yet to learn the man’s actual name. He only had his number.

“Thanks for the concern, but this is all I need for now.” The smirk on the guys face when he heard all I need rubbed TK the wrong way, he could see the judgment. But what could TK say? He would be back for more. Soon he’d have to buy more. It was the way things went. No, this time TK would keep it under control.

TK went to the bar and ordered a trusty mineral water.

Smiling at the bartender, TK made casual small talk. He easily swallowed the pills washing them down with the water. No one even noticed. He was good at hiding pills.

He turned his attention to the crowd. He had always been able to be personable when he tried. Casual small talk with the regulars.

Slowly the pills kicked in.

After a few, a guy who was clearly out of the closet began chatting TK up, offering to buy him a drink. For a minute TK was tempted. And that instant he thought of Carlos, shamed filled TK. He knew that even though Carlos and he were taking it slow, Carlos deserved better. Carlos deserved better.

God he was high in a bar flirting with random college students.

Shit.

TK walked out the back of the bar, to enjoy some fresh air while the sensation of drifting was coming in. He could take another pill. It should drown out the shame. It always did.

When TK walked out of the bar, he noticed a girl who had gone out for a smoke. She was being hassled by a guy. He was bigger than she was by a foot easily. He was taller than TK. Looked buffer too. More Judd’s height and weight.

TK smiled a little, a challenge, perfect. TK had always loved getting into fights. He loved the risk, the thrill. Bigger than him, no problem. More than one guy, that just added to the pleasure. TK had purposefully fought two guys that were drunk, bigger and angry. It was just something that made him feel alive. TK normally didn’t need a reason to fight, he could always think of one later, but tonight it was like a gift.

TK walked over just as he did, the girl yelled at the guy to leave or she’d start screaming.

The fear on her face, angered TK, in a reckless sort of way.

Without even thinking about the consequences, TK shoved the guy hard, getting in between the guy and the young girl.

“She said leave.” The other guy was clearly drunk, and not going to take no for an answer. TK was just fine with that.

“You are going to regret that you, little bitch!”

TK relished the fight. He made sure to give the girl enough room to get away. She ran into the bar, and TK, god, he felt good. The guy was bigger, but not a good fighter, he got in a decent punch, he was going to have a black eye, but otherwise TK was more skilled, once he had the man off balance, it was easy.

He was able to straddle the guy. He shouldn’t have thrown the next punch, but he did. The guy was down, but god TK didn’t care. There was something so cathartic about the violence. This guy got off on scaring girls, now he would remember what happened.

TK should have heard the sirens. But he didn’t. He was too focused on the fight.

“Police!” TK recognized that voice immediately.

TK got off the guy and fell to the side, punching a grown man took a lot out of a guy. This was not a pretty scene. He was next to an unconscious guy that he had just beaten the crap out of. His white t-shirt was covered in blood, his jeans had ripped, he could feel the black eye starting and his knuckles were bloodied.

TK leaned back to balance before he buckled, “Maybe Austin really is a small town.”

The look on Carlos’s face, not ideal TK thought.

“TK….Fuck.” Normally TK would have loved those two words coming out of Carlos’s mouth, but currently Carlos was pointing his gun at him, looking like he wanted to punch him and hug him at the same time.

“Just for the record you do look as hot as I thought holding a piece.” Okay now he looked mad only. TK was so screwed.

Behind him another police officer came up to check on the guy that TK had just finished beating the crap out of. “He’s going to need a hospital.”

Shit.

He should have stopped hitting the guy earlier.

“You can go with him; I have this guy.” Carlos said.

Not how TK imagined being handcuffed by Carlos. But it was about to happen. TK pulled himself off the floor, then put his hands in the air, he had been through this process enough times to know what to do. The other officer had his gun trained on him, while Carlos cuffed him. TK knew he’d be even more fucked when Carlos patted him down. It was procedure before putting him into the cop car. He would find the baggie of pills, he hadn’t tossed it. Rookie mistake. Shit.

Carlos grabbed his wrists, not all together too gentle. TK felt the cold metal clasp around his wrists. Carlos held his arm as he guided him to the car. TK knew he was talking but god, trying to focus was hard.

This would have been the point in the night when he would have taken another two pills to continue the high. Not looking likely now.

“Do you understand your rights as I have told you?” Carlos asked. Bring TK back down to earth.

“I understand.” TK mumbled. Letting out a small cough, he tried to cut the tension, “Not my first time getting arrested Officer.”

“This isn’t funny TK, that guy was out cold.” Carlos really had the disappointed mother hen voice down.

TK tried to shrug but it was hard to do in cuffs, while Carlos was still holding his arm in place.

“I have to check for weapons, do you have anything on you that I should know about?” Carlos asked, TK couldn’t place the emotion in his voice, and thankfully he wasn’t facing him.

“Nothing that does any damage to anyone else.” TK sighed; Carlos was patting him down anyways. Why should he have believed him?

TK hated this moment. He loved the feeling of Carlos’s hands on him normally, but now...it felt wrong.

Carlos turned him around. And checked his front jean pockets. He pulled out the bag. Christ TK wished he never saw that look. There was a flash of anger that was soon replaced with pity. TK looked down. God. He was monumentally screwed.

“TK…” Carlos groaned. He was shaking his head.

“What can I say officer, sorry I didn’t offer to share that was rude of me.” TK wished he could shut up. He was not helping the situation.

Carlos opened the door to the car and shoved TK into the seat. He could hear Carlos swearing under his breath. TK’s Spanish wasn’t good enough to understand.

But this was better, Carlos should be angry. He couldn’t help TK now. He might be over the edge this time. Assault and possession, he wasn’t that good at explain things away. He could justify the fight enough to potentially hold onto his job, but the pills nope, not this time. His Dad would kill him.

Shit Dad. He would have that stupid disappointed look on his face. This was going to break his heart. TK was sobering up way to fast. TK breathed in and leaned back, pushing his head as far back as he could. He’d have preferred covering his face with his hands but being handcuffed in the back of a police car was not ideal.

No way he would be able to pass a drug test now. Deep breaths. What the hell was he going to do?

“Are you going to say anything?” Carlos spit out, he could hear the frustration in his voice. What could he say to him that would make this make sense?

There was no decent explanation.

Sorry but I figured getting high when people weren’t around was fine, and then I started feeling guilty so I figured a fist fight would help, didn’t mean to get so out of hand but you know shit happens. He doubted Officer Reyes would understand.

Soon he’d be royally fucked, they were almost at the station.

TK sat up straight he could feel Carlos’s glare through the rear-view mirror.

TK tried shrugging again.

Carlos pulled over to the curb and turned off the engine, He turned around to face TK.

“You’ve fucked up your entire career tonight, you know that right?!” Carlos shouted. TK wished he didn’t see the concern behind the anger. Carlos was too good.

TK just swallowed hard. He knew he had fucked up. The problem with hanging of the edge of a cliff is that eventually you’ll fall off.

Carlos hit the bars separating them. TK didn’t expect that. And then he flung open his door, and within seconds he was being pulled out of the car. With one arm Carlos yanked him out, and TK was lucky Carlos was strong otherwise he’d have fallen over. Carlos slammed the car door behind him, and then he shoved him up against the car. TK’s wrists hit the handle, and then pushed into his back.

It was more than uncomfortable it hurt. TK was shocked, this had to be breaking protocol.

“What the hell?!” Carlos yelled again. Fury and pain was clear in his eyes.

“There isn’t a good explanation.” TK groaned; he did not want to have this conversation. He was already screwed enough. “I wanted to get high, so I did, and I wanted to get into a fight so I did. And now I am fucked.”

“Fucked doesn’t even begin to describe your situation.” Carlos spit out. “How the hell do you plan to get out of this huh?”

TK wanted to laugh for some reason. “Look the second you found those pills it was over. Potentially I could have explained away the fight, but no way around possession. I get that there is no way out now.”

Carlos looked confused. As if there was something that didn’t quite add up.

“Why haven’t you asked me to toss the pills?” There was something in the way that Carlos asked that, he sounded hurt.

“I wouldn’t ever ask you to do that.” TK was not that much of an asshole.

“Why not? Everyone always asks the arresting officer to look the other way. I have had people ask favours because I am Latino, or because I am gay or because they saw me on the street once, but you don’t even ask and we are… fuck I don’t know.”

Oh shit. TK didn’t know how he had managed to fuck up getting arrested even more, but somehow he did. Asking Carlos to help him like that wouldn’t be admitting they were something, it would be hurting Carlos to help himself, and he could not do that. “I can’t ask you to compromise your ethics because I am a fuck up!”

Carlos had to know that he was much better than TK, how could he ask him to do something that would make him feel like shit. TK would just mess up again. “I don’t deserve it.”

Carlos was looking at him in an odd way. “You really think that don’t you.”

TK didn’t want to look at Carlos anymore, he turned his head to the side. “I can’t take advantage of you; you are too good. You deserve better.”

Carlos’s hand touched TK’s cheek, it was so gentle, softly he guided TK’s face back towards him. “Why did you do this? Please help me understand.”

TK half smiled slightly for a moment. What could he say but; “because it felt good, okay.”

“A black eye and risking your entire career felt good?” God why was Carlos so damn beautiful, it made everything harder.

“I just...I...I have been using for a while. I am pretty good at being a functional junkie, never at work, but still.” TK wanted to shift his face back, but Carlos held his hand on his cheek forcing TK to look at the man.

“Anyways that guy was hassling a girl and I just...it pissed me off and I figured a fight was another thing to liven up the grey.” TK didn’t know the words to make him understand how fucked up he was, how much he itched, and craved for the high. “You shouldn’t help me, look at me, this is the real me, this is why I didn’t want you to get close to me.”

Carlos flinched. “How does someone so amazing, end up thinking so little of themselves?”

TK couldn’t look at that adoration in Carlos’s face. He closed his eyes. Wishing that he was anywhere but here.

“You run into burning buildings to help people, you see a friend in pain you go out of your way to cheer them up, you are kind and brave, how are you also this monumentally stupid.” Carlos moved his hand away from TK’s cheek, and moved it to his bicep. For a second TK thought perhaps Carlos wanted to shake him.

TK laughed. Brave.  Being a firefighter meant everyone thought he was brave.

“What’s so funny?”

“I run into burning buildings cause it’s the best high you can get without pills, its reckless and it makes you feel alive, when I gave up pills the first time, I replaced one high with the other.” TK had never admitted that out loud. He had no real calling to be a firefighter. He just figured that it would be a good chance to be back in his Dad’s good books, and then he tasted the adrenaline, he lived for it.

“TK….” Carlos looked to be struggling to find the words. He had to realize there were no words.

“This is my fuck up, you don’t have to fix me Carlos, I am so sorry.” TK wished he could take tonight back. He really messed up, but no way in hell TK was going to let Carlos compromise his integrity for him. He was going to arrest him; he was going to turn the pills into evidence. Carlos was still close enough that TK leaned forward and kissed him, a gentle peck. An apology kiss. “You have to give the pills into evidence. And you are not allowed to feel guilty. I messed up not you.”

Carlos kissed him back, his kiss was angry and hard, and not what he expected. “You really love making things hard for me Tyler Kennedy.”

“I know I messed up but seriously with the full name, that was uncalled for.” TK tried to coax a laugh.

Carlos opened the door again, this time he put TK in the back gently.

He was forgiven. At least he hoped he was.

“Ever consider dating a convict?” TK figured what the hell, not like he had much more to lose tonight.

“Seriously TK?” Carlos groaned. “How can you be so calm?”

What could he say? As a professional fuck up, he always knew this day would come. He was afraid of only his Dad’s reaction. But he had time for that.

They pulled into the station. “This was not how you were supposed to meet my friends.” Carlos murmured into TK’s ear as he led him to booking. TK laughed at that.

“What can I say, at least I will be memorable.” TK tried to angle back to see Carlos’s face but it was hard with the cuffs.

When they entered the bull pen, TK’s heart stopped, his Dad was already there. Standing next to an older man, Shit Carlos must have radioed ahead when he had zoned out.

TK looked at the ground immediately, waves of shame radiating through him. He wished he was high now, it would at least make this easier to deal with.

The other man walked towards them.

“Sir.” Carlos said. He could hear the deference in his voice, this was a superior. Of course, probably because he was the son of a prominent fire chief, he wasn’t just messing up his career. Damn Dad, I am sorry, TK wanted to blurt out. How had things gotten out of control so fast?

“You’ve had quite the night, Son.” TK willed himself to look up, that was odd the man was smiling.

“Um, sir?” What was he supposed to yah, it was a great night?

“See the young woman you happened to defend was the daughter of Judge Reynolds, she had a restraining order out on that man you so thoroughly beat up, she told us the entire story.” The man clapped TK’s shoulder.

A judges daughter. A judge tight with what looked like the chief of police. This was too good to be true. Public officials looked out for one another, attacking one of them was an attack on them all. The cops would do anything it took to protect a judges daughter.

This wasn’t happening. Was this a get out of jail free card?

“Uncuff the boy, Reyes.” The man had a booming voice.

“Sir.” TK felt Carlos unlock the handcuffs, and soon his wrists were free.

“I don’t understand?” TK voiced. Carlos still could stop this. One mention of what he found on TK and boom, the good will would end because his father would put an end to it.

“Well Lucy, the young woman told us everything, how she went out for a smoke and Greg attacked her, and how you without any regard for yourself stepped up to defend her, and so obviously we won't be filling charges. I called your Dad here to take you home. I am sure Judge Reynolds and Lucy will want to thank you personally.”

TK saw his Dad beaming at him. He walked over. “I am proud of you son, but next time try and not knock the guy into next week, you gave him a concussion.”

“Sorry.” TK said sheepishly. “He was kind of bigger than me, it was hard to tell if he was down.”

Being an addict didn’t give you many valuable skills but being fast on your feet was one of the only ones. TK went along with the whole story.

"Ehhh" The other officer laughed. "Your boy was just doing what was necessary."

“So, no other charges?” TK asked, it was a silent question to Carlos, just say it Carlos. Even now TK wouldn’t blame Carlos, he knew what following the law, being an honest cop meant to Carlos.

His Dad looked at him a little weird. “Don’t worry kid they checked with the bartender she confirmed you were just drinking mineral water. Nothing to clear up. Let’s take you home and get some ice on that eye.”

TK couldn’t believe his luck. This was not happening.

His Dad didn’t seem to suspect a thing. He chatted with him on the way home. TK lied easily saying he was bored, and he heard about the mechanical bull, it sounded funny. His Dad didn’t even blink, and of course since he had confirmation that he had stayed sober at the bar, TK knew he was just proud he had stepped up to protect someone else.

“I think I am going to lie down now Dad; I am sore as shit.” TK mumbled.

When he entered his room, TK saw his phone, Carlos wanted to meet.

What should he do? Fuck.

TK snuck around back. He did not want his Dad to know about this. Carlos said he’d meet TK at the end of his street.

TK groaned, as he walked down the street, without the oxy his body really hurt.

Thankfully he had changed out of his bloody clothes. He was wearing a comfy hoodie, and sweatpants. He saw Carlos’s Camero at the end of the block, his shift must have ended right after he let TK go.  

“Hi.” TK had another moment of not knowing what to say, it was becoming a habit around Carlos.

Carlos had his arms folded as he leaned on the hood. “You know tonight did not go how I expected at all.” He had one of those collared shirts on that hung on his bicep. And a pair of dark jeans. He looked perfect.

“Looking good officer.” TK smirked at him. Figuring couldn't go wrong with a compliment.

Carlos chuckled, still not changing his posture.

“You are fucking lucky as shit.” Carlos said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the baggie.

TK sighed. “I won’t blame you if you tell the truth.”

“Not exactly possible now that I let you walk.” Carlos pointed out extending the bag towards TK.

“Fine then arrest me now.” TK grabbed the bag. “I never wanted you to have to cover for me, it’s not right.”

“I am not going to arrest you TK.” Carlos sighed. "I don't want to,"

“You should.” Taking the baggie into his hand, TK didn’t know what to do, he still craved it. He should have gone to a meeting that night.

Carlos looked so dejected, TK knew what not turning him in was doing to Carlos. He was a good police officer, he would cut a break to someone who deserved, but TK didn’t. He had a million chances, he should have known better. He was hurting someone who didn’t deserve any pain especially not from him.

“I always thought of my using as victimless, until one night I overdosed, and my mom and Dad looked like they had just had their stomachs pumped not me. I felt bad but I just told myself I wouldn’t take too much again, no one would get hurt” TK mumbled. “The second time, I was a firefighter, and luckily they considered it an accident, on the account they had been prescriptions and I had been injured on the job so…” Carlos just waited for him to continue. “But god my team was so worried. I figured this time, okay I will stop for real. And then...and then last time.”

How did he tell Carlos, that last time he had tried to kill himself? “I fucked up. I just always think this time I will be careful enough, this time no one will get hurt.  I never not once wanted to hurt you.”

“Then stop.” Carlos looked at him with such hope. Stop, what a novel idea.

“I am trying.” TK knew it was a shitty answer. But he was trying. “I am going to a meeting first thing.”

Carlos nodded. “Okay then.” His eyes lingered on his hand; TK was clutching the baggie tighter than he should.

Fuck.

TK chucked the bag as hard as he could. “I swear.”

“I know but I still don’t really understand…” Carlos was mulling his words so carefully. “I want to understand why getting high was worth everything tonight.”

TK shoved his hands into his pockets. He felt so small in this moment.

“I wish I had a good explanation, I guess once you start, well stopping is hard.” Carlos didn’t look convinced. “Not just the cravings which never seem to go away, but the rush, once you reach that perfect high, that singular moment that takes away your physical and emotional pain, well, real life doesn’t seem as appealing after that.”

Carlos nodded.

"I've read the pamphlets I get intellectually its hard for you. I just hated arresting you tonight. I hated everything about tonight."

“I should have worked the program harder, I guess I thought I could do it on my own, but I know how lucky I got this time Carlos, I am going to sober up. I’ve done it before.” TK wished he could sound more convincing, the only thing he could promise was he was going to try.

As Carlos turned away, TK’s heart sank. What could he say? Did he even want Carlos to stay? Could he handle any of this?

“Can I ask you something?” Carlos was holding his car handle door, but his body was angled towards TK, he could see the battle in Carlos’s eyes, should he stay should he go?

“After tonight, I owe you any answers you want.”

“Why did you start using pills?” TK chuckled; he knew Carlos was wondering how a middle-class kid with two loving parents decide to go down such a dangerous path, after all he had it pretty good. Sadly for Carlos there wasn’t a trauma it was just a series of bad choices. It could happen to anyone.

“It’s a long story.”

“I’ve got time.”  

TK hopped onto the hood of the car. Signalling Carlos to join him; “I did just get my ass kicked. I am a little tired.”

Carlos laughed “please I saw the other guy, you really can handle yourself in a fight.”

TK shrugged. “Sorry to say but it’s because I’ve had practice.”

Carlos frowned. He sat next to TK, he was clearly waiting for TK to tell him the story.

“I guess it started when I was a teenager. I was partying a lot anyways drinking a lot, and smoking weed all of the time, but when I was eighteen I was dating an older guy.” TK turned his head towards the sky, he’d rather not see Carlos’s face, he did not want to sound like a tired cliché, but he was.

“How much older?” Carlos asked.

“He was twenty-seven at the time.” Carlos groaned.

“It wasn’t like I was exactly inexperienced or anything. Anyways he was a big partier, and I started hanging around people who did some stronger things than weed and it was like this whole new world had opened up. First it was uppers, and then it was opioids, they had really hit the scene. I had been struggling with depression for a bit but pills were an easy fix and suddenly I realized that I liked feeling high better than I liked sobriety.”

“But why?”

TK chuckled. “My mom is a bigger work-a-holic than my Dad mostly because she had to raise me so after I grew up a bit she started to chase the dreams she had let go of, I don’t blame her. My Dad was never around, we are close now but that’s just because I joined his crew. So I always felt like I wasn’t good enough, and I just I don’t know felt lost.” TK had always wanted to feel like he was a part of a family, sadly for him his family had always been fractured. “I was left without supervision so no one noticed when I fell in with the wrong crowd, and no one really noticed the signs of depression, I know I didn't."

TK had never been good at asking for help. "And like I know it’s bad in Texas and I can’t complain much because New York.”

“Being out anywhere is a challenge TK.” Carlos interrupted firmly.

“I know, but let’s just say first responders tend to not look to fondly on gay kids.” His Dad might have been supportive, but TK had grown up hearing how he was a blotch on his Dad’s legacy. Sucks that the all American Owen Strand had a gay kid. It got worse after he started partying more, TK hated to admit it he had been arrested more than once. He was lucky to still be admitted to the academy. If his mom hadn’t been such a good lawyer, well his life could have gone a completely different way. “And I guess I was always thinking I wasn’t good enough. I made some bad choices. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, so it was easier to fill the gaps with pills.”

TK wondered still if he picked the right thing.

“Okay maybe it wasn’t a long story, but for a long time I tried to convince myself that if I was using, I wasn’t hurting anyone, and then it was this time I wouldn’t hurt anyone. I am starting to realize that I can’t use and not hurt people, so yah.” TK wasn’t sure what to say.

Carlos sat up. “I hope you do stop TK, cause you deserve to think more of yourself. I won’t mention the drugs this time, but…”

TK wanted to promise there wouldn’t be a next time, to erase the worry he saw in Carlos’s face, but he didn’t want to lie like that. But this time he would try.

TK kissed Carlos, maybe that would convey what he was trying to say. “I will try, I swear.”

“Try for yourself.” Carlos sighed.

“I have to get going TK.” Carlos looked sad. “Call me if you want to hang out sober minus the cuffs.”

TK hopped off his car. “Maybe you can bring the cuffs still.”

“Busting my balls, huh?” Carlos laughed.

TK shrugged. The only thing he could say was; “Thank you.”

Carlos nodded.

“One time TK, never again.” Carlos got into his car.

TK watched him drive away. He knew where he had tossed the pills, he could go and find them. And then sober up tomorrow. He was still sore from the fight. But he could hear the finality of Carlos’s voice. The pride in his father’s eyes. Was it worth it?

Never again. Carlos had meant it.

Don’t break so fast.

Shit, he really was going to have to go to a meeting.

He wasn’t going to lie to Carlos, he was going to try. Maybe just maybe to see in himself what Carlos saw, because he wanted to be that guy.

Fin

[onisiondrama]

Wow ok lots of new videos today. He’s still uploading. I’ll do the summaries in parts.

PART 1 - Videos #0 - #2

don’t watch

- Attempt at comedic video game commentary

hey

- Everyone told him not to respond to recent drama. He used to always respond. Taking other people’s advice has been the worst for him. - He talked to Tobuscus about how he was accused of a horrible crime. Tobuscus went silent because everyone told him to and it didn’t go well for him. He was canceled until Greg talked to him and told him to defend himself. He did and he prevailed. - If you don’t hear both sides of a story you shouldn’t have an opinion. - He thinks he broke records about how many people hate him on Youtube. - He stayed silent because people he cares about told him to, but things are getting worse so it’s time he tells us what happened in the coming videos. - Shiloh: He called the police on her when she said she was going to kill herself and make it look like he did it. This is the second time he called the police on her. First time she said he was being abusive. He says he wanted to be alone and locked himself in a room and she started body slamming herself against the door. He says this is all documented in his old videos, Shiloh body slamming the door and him calling the cops to prove he’s not abusive. - Another ex of Shiloh’s made a video and said she did the same thing to him, but he ended up going to jail. Allegedly when he went in front of a judge they found a text from Shiloh talking about how she plotted to pin someone down for abuse. -He said it’s not his responsibility to look all this up. It’s up to us to look at all the videos and confirm it ourselves. (lol what ??) Says he doesn’t want to make a docuseries about his exes because he dumped them for a reason. - Shiloh started a gofundme. (he doesn’t finish this thought) - She’s been diagnosed with severe stuff. Guesses she has BPD or is a pathological liar. Says she was taken into custody by the police and put in a medical facility and the officer told him to escape because evicting her would take too long. He went to LA. While he was going she called and asked where he was. She said an alleged gang she was in was sending people after him. He was scared and made youtube videos about it. - Says she lied about someone that was training her knocking her out and that person said it didn’t happen. Says she told him she has a split personality named Aliana. Aliana told him she existed to protect him. - Says she told him they were soulmates and they were chosen for something supernatural. He fell for it. - He left Skye. She originally agreed to $12,000 a year to help her survive. Six months before she said she wanted half of his stuff if they divorce and he said that’s why he wanted a prenup. When he asked her for one she cried so he didn’t go through with it. Says now we know why she cried. - She pursued him in court. She said she was under duress when the original agreement was made but he says that made no sense because she made her own terms. She then pursued him for $250,000 and he settled for $90,000 because he was afraid she was going to try to claim his channels. That sucks because they both spent tens of thousands on lawyers when they could have handle it out of court. She decided to burn that bridge. - He left Skye for Shiloh. He doesn't think he lied about that before, but he doesn’t remember and might have felt differently back then. The biggest reason he left Skye was Shiloh. She made him feel like his life had more meaning and was amazing. He felt intoxicated by her. They had an amazing love life, passionate interactions, she was so talented and funny. Says the next video will be about Shiloh too.

ok

- One of the pathological lies he had to endure during his relationship with Shiloh was she faked an accident the moment they met. She said she was going with another Canadian artist to an event and got into a car accident on their way back. He said he talked about this in his song “Her Lies”, a music video he dedicated to how many times she lied. - Says she cheated on him and got pregnant with someone else’s baby. He found out through Facebook. Says her story was she went back to Canada because she had free medical care there and had a dead 6 week old miscarriage allegedly going on inside her body. He says he said allegedly because he didn’t know what to believe in that relationship. When you find out someone was collecting money from you while cheating on you, what in that relationship was real?  - People don’t remember how Shiloh was because they have short memories. Back in the day his audience begged him to leave her. He left her 7 out of the 8 times they broke up. There was so much instability.  - He says she tried to shame him and manipulate him into dating her again by saying she was going to end her life once after a break up. She walked off with a suitcase and he let her go because he couldn’t stop her. He video taped himself crying when she was gone. He says deep down he thinks he did that because he wanted people to know where he was when she was doing that. He was so overwhelmed emotionally and couldn't do anything but freeze. He says there’s a clip of him crying out there while she walks off. At that point you just want that person to leave you alone. She came back with a little branch on her shoulder. She would do a thing where she would be in a mood and would go somewhere else. Says she told him she tried to hang herself but the branch snapped. He said he said he was glad she was alive, but there was no rope mark. - When she faked the car accident she used makeup on her forehead. He asked her about it and she said “it hurts so bad” and showed him her forehead, but she didn’t want to see a medical professional. It was magically healed in couple days when he asked about it. He was saying “wow it healed so fast” and didn’t even think he was being lied to. He wasn’t used to being lied to. - Says Skye didn’t lie to him much other than her saying she loved him. He doubts she ever loved him. When you cry when someone asks for a prenup, it says you’re only interested in someone for their assets. A prenup says it’s about love, not about all the stuff we have. Sounds like she was crying about the stuff. Some people perceive it as she was crying because she thought he was doubting the relationship. Says he could see where they are coming from, but that’s not what he was doing. He was disturbed by the crying. Obviously he was right because she tried to take him for a quarter million. Says he wasn’t well off, he was making $12,000, but Youtube is inconsistent so he didn’t want to shell out a lot of cash. Says he might not make enough to keep paying her $6,000 a month. Payed her six years of alimony, so a full grown adult can have financial assistance from him. When it was over she decided to publicly lash out at him. - Shiloh decided to reach out to Kai a couple times. Kai did not appreciate that. - Shiloh said their relationship was like an Adele song, if they split up she would show up at his doorstep, even if he was moved on with another person because that’s how much she loved him. When they would break up or discuss their relationship she would tell him no one will love you as much as I do. - There’s a video circulating around where you can hear him trolling the internet in the background. He was totally shook when this video popped up because he didn’t remember it. They did a prank where he walked in on her in the shower with a go pro. There was another prank where they pretended to go through a drive thru but no one was on the other side of the call. There was one on her channel where he said mean things to her. He says at the time people liked the video because they understood the joke, but now people want to use it as a sign that something crazy was going on. - The only reason she broke up with him was because he looked at hentai and she was a jealous person and it was a threat to her. As a result he got “remember love” tattoo on his wrists. Says we might remember someone asking someone to get a tattoo. Says that was rooted in his subconscious because he did it himself [hold up tattoos], got a tattoo so someone in Canada would take him back. Remember love means to be a good person. - When Shiloh miscarried in Canada, she said she had sepsis, but he questions if she had it because you normally die if you have it.He believed it at the time when she told him. He made a video announcing her sepsis and people yelled at him.  - When she went back she told him she needed rent money until she could get a passport. He talked to her uncle over the phone and he said she was full of it and she didn’t lose her passport. He says he made a sketch about that. - Finds out she’s publicly talking to a guy on facebook and he talked about making love to her and she would says she loved him. He says it’s ironic because he just made a music video about having sex with someone’s girlfriend. Says he was thinking it would be ironic if she was cheating on him while he made the video. Says she liked the video, guesses she was amused by it. She would pick up the money he sent her with the guy she was cheating with. - Says he heard the baby she had with this guy “didn’t go on living”. He says doesn’t know what happened, but someone told him it was a stillborn or SIDS. Says no one should be making video titles or making money off that. Says if she went through that he’s sorry. - Says Shiloh walked down the road and layed on the cement. The fire department dropped her off at his house. He says the fire department was weirded out by her pretending to be whatever on the side of the road. -She fake a seizure and memory loss and her uncle laughed at him for thinking it was real. She faked going back in time, reverting her age. He says it was her idea to post the seizure video because he told her either he can work on another video that night or he couple post it as education on mental disorders. He didn’t take it too seriously as a medical emergency because she already had previous episodes. Says she magically popped up and snapped out of it one time during one of these episodes when he said he was going to call an ambulance. - He was on the phone with his mom and aunt when she threatened to end her life and made it look like he did it. He called the police and filmed it. Says she once wrapped her arms around him and told him to hit her. -He giggled nervously and didn’t know what to do. -Said he’ll continue this in the next video.

(Pretty convenient he keeps stopping these videos after he hits the 10 minute mark even though the videos are not distinct different subjects and he’s filming them back to back.)

[thebarrydiariesx]

The Sleepover: Part 1 of 2.

PART SEVEN

“So what... we just sit tight and play a very dangerous game of hide and seek until morning?” Lisa remarked, folding her arms and looking around her locked, dark apartment. She threw her jacket on to the bed and gave herself a once over in her mirror. She smiled and followed a very stressed looking Barry.

“Pretty much,” Barry sighed as he peaked through her blinds. “It’d make more sense to just leave but-”

“Yeah not happening.” Lisa walked past him to the kitchen, putting a deliberate swing in her hips. She made a performance of bending down low as she opened her fridge, turning around with two Buds. “Drinks?” She shot him a smirk.

“Hilarious. Do you have like a cover or something for your couch, in case it gets cold?”

Lisa sauntered over to him, the beers sweating in her hands, and tilted her chin to line up her face to his. Barry tightened his lips and tried with all of his might to keep his eyes locked onto her face. She tilted her head.

“Listen, buddy.” She inched closer to him. “Need I remind you that we’re only in this predicament because you saw fit to appear at my place at the wrong time?” She prodded his chest. “You saved me and I’m thankful but you got trigger happy and you killed your guy- who by the way shouldn’t even be your guy- and now suddenly I’m a prisoner in my own home? Get outta here.” She shook her head and laughed. “If we’re gonna lay low, we’re gonna do this my way.” She offered the beer to him.

Barry clenched his jaw and looked above and past Lisa. “Fine.” He snatched the beer and took a hearty swig before looking down and pointing to her. “But just one.” He walked past Lisa to check the windows again, not noticing the satisfied smile on her face as she put the needle on her record player and dropped down onto the couch.

“Do you like Motown, Barry?”

*****

After two awkward hours, and with the help of several more beers and one thick joint, Lisa finally managed to get Barry to settle a little but it wasn’t without his limits. Barry sat cross-legged underneath her window, a beer in hand, still listening for any cars approaching, flinching upright every time he heard one. Lisa lounged lazily on the couch whilst they discussed music, books and video games. It took some strong coaxing from her, but she eventually got him up on the couch.

“Oh, this one I’m fuckin great at!” She beamed, pulling out a copy of Forza Horizon from her book shelf.

“Oh we’ll fuckin see about that, lady.” Barry retorted, a little more comfortable and decidedly more out of his shell than he had been in a while.

“Loser orders the pizza?” She hopped back on to the couch, handing him a controller.

“Deal.” Barry said smoothly, clinking his beer bottle with hers.

*****

“Oh you fuckin' slammin' bitch!" Lisa roared, elbowing Barry in an attempt to throw him off the game and better her chances at winning.

“Hey, cut that shit you fuckin’ cheatin asshole!” He struggled through his laughter, lapping up the beer that was now foaming out of the bottle.

“Oh, oh, an asshole huh Barry? Well you’re a...” Lisa grinned, trying her best to outdo him and herself on the elaborate insults. Video games always brought out Lisa’s less immaculate vernacular. “A robot fuckin’... cock lesbian!”

“Right back at ya, you fuckin...” Barry paused. “Soft piece of ass.” Lisa shot him a very perturbed look whilst he stayed silent. Lisa piped up.

“So pizza.”

“Yeah, pizza.”

*****

They relaxed more after they both had food in their stomach and a few more beers. The record player was still filling the room a few hours later.

“One of these early MORNIIIIIIINS” They both sang loudly as they sprawled over the couch, Barry’s arm relaxing around Lisa’s shoulder. She was puffing on the cig and her legs dangled freely on the coffee table. “Are gonna BE! Wiping those weeeping eeeeeyes yeaaaahhhh yeah yeah...”

“Wow, that was like every key except the key of Mustang Sally, Lisa.” Barry looked down at her smugly.

“Fuck you, Barbra Streisand.” She gave a throaty laugh, running her hand down his face in an attempt to shush him. “Speaking of Sally, how did you meet such a prim, perfect specimen in your line of work anyway?”

“Sally, she uh...” Barry immediately tensed up a little. “I met her at these acting classes I take. But it’s nothing serious, she just... what?”

“Fuck off.” Lisa sat upright, smiling widely. “You? Acting?” Barry stiffened and shot her a mock offended look.

“Hey what’s so fuckin’ funny about that?” His stifled laughter caused a grin to creep onto his lips the more he went on. “You don’t think I could do Shakespeare, huh? Is that what I’m hearing, Lisa?”

“Oh no of course not,” Lisa exclaimed, returning the tone. “I see it now, you and your...” She tried to continue through her erupting giggle. “Your fuckin long john’s and your big fuckin collar!” Barry burst into laughter whilst playfully covering her mouth and shaking her head from side to side.

“Fuck you, fuck you, aaaand fuck you.” His laughter died down to a soft smile as he put his arm back around her shoulder. “You know I used to call him Billy Rattlestick? Get it? Cause it’s William Shakes-”

“Shut. Up.” Lisa cut him off. “Fuckin Rattlestick... you idiot.”

“But yeah, that’s how I’m uh...” He brushed down his jeans awkwardly. “That’s how I’m finding myself.” He ran his hand over his face and took another swig of beer.

“That’s commendable, dude.” Lisa rubbed his back and gave a warm smile. “You gotta have something other than what you’re doing now. I mean this...” She waved her hand around the room. “This isn’t really who you are. I can see that and I’ve known you eight seconds, y’know?”

“Yeah...” Barry drifted off into space, smiling contently.

“You’re kind...” She tilted her head. “Fun...” She continued, walking her fingers across his shoulder. “And... you’re a great kisser.” She winked at him. Barry tilted his head to meet with hers, getting lost once again in that pretty, pretty face.

Lisa had almost forgotten the reason Barry was here. She had those strong arms around her again, breathing in his cologne and accepting that it made her happy. Even if it was a fleeting moment with a potentially dangerous stranger, she was living in the moment for once and riding the joyous wave. She squinted a little, trying to recall a time in her life where she felt this secure. Her train of thought was cut short by Barry’s voice.

“So what about you?”

“What about me?” She shuffled a little under his arm, feeling the needling questions coming.

“Well I told you my background. I’m not believing for a second that you were always a...” He chewed his cheek quizzically.

“A whore? A prostitute? A smokin’ hot lady of the evening?” She questioned coyly.

“An equally great kisser...” He cut in, smiling sweetly. “But yeah... sure. How’d that happen?”

She sat upright, took a long drag of her cig and drained the last of her beer. Forcing a smile, she began.

“Would you believe me if I told you I was once an assistant librarian?” She giggled softly. Barry offered an encouraging smile. “Well I was. I worked in a dusty old library in my hometown when I was like sixteen and it was the whole world to me. I got to turn my passion for books into a job and my parents were overbearing. Great... amazing, actually...” She trailed off with a smile. A smile that lingered only for the memory of her parents and the smell of old books and dusty shelves. “But it was nice to be making my own money and slowly building a modicum of independence.” She rubbed the back of her neck took another drag of her cig. “Anyway, I’m working and in walks this gorgeous guy by the name of Bradley. This stupid, handsome, bumbling guy my age who used to come in and talk to me like every week. I knew right away he was into me.” She looked at Barry and laughed softly. “Fucker was on the same damn page of Catcher in the Rye for weeks before I finally put him out of his misery and asked him out.” She grinned at Barry who returned it promptly. She closed her eyes for a moment, picturing a tall, bearded young man with red hair, hazel eyes and smile that could save the world in her eyes. She could feel Bradley’s arms envelop her and for a brief second, she felt warm. She felt like she was right there, before the sharp sting of recollection struck. “So we dated, fell in love, left town... and we were so happy. Like a disgusting kind of happy, right? He was studying to be an accountant and I had landed my perfect job: a real, actual librarian.” She smiled sheepishly. “Lame, right?”

Barry gave her shoulder a squeeze. “Go on.”

“So uh...” She lit up another cigarette and cracked open another beer. “We were happy. We were a typical, boring ass couple but it was neat, y’know? Shopping trips, date nights, stupid arguments over laundry...” She was now gently beginning to rock back and forth, leaning her elbows on her knees. Her tone dropped. “One night, we were walking back from a movie and these... fuckin’ pieces of shit...” Her voice shook. “They shot him. They shot him for money. I couldn’t move... I couldn’t move, man and it all happened so fast...” Lisa couldn’t help but see it. The sidewalk, the blood, Bradley’s blank face. She felt the guilt rise in her again like a swelling in her chest. All she could do in that moment was stare in horror as they rifled through the coat of the body that was once the love of her life. She saw them run and suddenly that scream that was so absent five minutes before they left suddenly ripped through her chest and out of her throat. She screamed so loud she thought her ears might bleed. She remembered laying by his body and screaming until her throat was raw. She sobbed, she wheezed, she kissed his face and hands and she begged anyone listening above to bring him back. She winced and gripped her chest whilst Barry rubbed her shoulders. She nodded, signalling that she was alright to keep going. Her eyes wide and her breathing a low wheeze, she went on. “Then I did something worse.” She was barely whispering now. “I didn’t call the cops. I followed them, followed to some shitty fucking modern lookin’ brothel. Completely illegal and it would have been so fuckin easy had I just call the fuckin cops but I didn’t...” Her hands began to shake, causing her to pull on her fingers anxiously. “I... went in posing as one of the workers and..." She began to stammer. “I g-got rid of them, Barry.” She looked at him dead-eyed and, with a deliberate lack of haste, went on again. “I killed them. Six men. All gone.” Her eyes darted around the room and she brought her hands up to her face, trying to smoke out the images. The gun in her pocket, the knife in her hand. She felt rage like never before. She ploughed through them like they were nothing. They didn’t expect it but Lisa was there. Slicing and shooting and ripping through those men blinded by red beads of fury and grief. “I didn’t just lose Bradley that night, Barry. I lost myself. I had to leave to save myself and everyone who knew me before. I left everything behind. My job, my life, my family... I’m probably dead for all they know.” A single tear dropped from her face on to her lap. “You wanna know what the worst part is?” She looked back to Barry, who had a pained look on his face, his hand still firmly on her shoulder. “I didn’t feel bad for doing it at the time... I felt... it felt...” Her breath hitched.

“Good.” Barry murmured, staring past her and into his own mind.

“Yeah...” She gave a stuttered sigh and rubbed her face, a sense of guilt mixed with relief washing over her, making her body feel limp and cold.

Barry now understood why she barely flinched when he told her what he did. She knows how it feels to take a life. Several of them. She felt the pain, the brain shattering guilt and very brief but sickening sense of pride at how easy it was. What’s more, she had to deal with this pain and loss alone. He put his arms around her and squeezed her tight.

He didn’t have to say a word.

Lisa tried to steady her breathing and wiped the tears away. Her story, until now, was untold, never uttered and forcefully ripped from her memory most days. It was only ever at night that those six faces crawled inside her mind. She needed them out, any way she could, the only way she knew how. Whilst Barry was up getting her water, she put out her cig and put down her beer, straightening out her dress and smoothing her hair. When he returned she was quick to speak.

“Okay, you know my story now.” She took the water and set it down on the table, her eyes never leaving his. “Show me.”

“Huh?” She asked softly, placing a hand on her shoulder. “What do you mean-”

“Show me...” She edged closer to him. Barry’s lip quivered and he tightened his grip on her. He could feel the weed and the alcohol dimming his restraint. “Show me who you really are, Barry.”

Barry inhaled through his teeth shut his eyes tightly. He was finding it harder and harder to ignore the ambiguous connection he had to this woman. “Lisa, just relax, okay? I don’t think we should do this...”

“Please...” She trailed a painted fingernail down his lower lips, running her other hand up the back of his neck and through his hair. “You saved my life, you’re currently saving my life...” She bit her lip when she felt Barry’s hand grip the back of her neck in that same spot as before. “Let me say thank you, Barry. Show me who you want to be.” The last word was whisper as she felt Barry’s lips press firmly quickly to hers, growling into her mouth. He dragged his fingernails down her exposed back and trailed his lips down to her neck, fully intending to show her who he really was, the man she unleashed inside of him.

[tremble-and-shake]

Unforgettable

A Bearded Jimmy Page one-shot (NSFW/NSFM)

November 1971

He called the day he returned from Japan, rather animated about the 8mm footage recorded during their stint in the Land of the Rising Sun.  I can’t wait to show you. You’ll come this weekend, won’t you? he had asked. Good, I’ll send a car.

“That’s about the lot of it,” Jimmy said as the muted footage came to an end. “What did you think?” She offered an embellished applause to quell his eager expression.

“You boys sure seemed to be enjoying yourselves, and Japan looks like such a lovely country.  But clearly no one has a steady hand for filming,” she put a hand to her stomach.

He frowned and touched a gentle finger to her cheek. “Are you really feeling a touch of travel sickness just from that?”  

“Oh, I’m exaggerating, but you don’t want to sit next to me on a plane, that’s for sure.”

He reached over to finger a switch and the machine’s loud whirring settled to a soft hum as the lightbulb cooled.  On the opposite wall the hazy glow from the projector dissipated, leaving a void on the bedsheet he hung as their makeshift movie screen.

“Having these cameras was good fun, really good fun.  Japan is a beautiful and fascinating culture, but it took some getting used to.”

“What do you mean?” She scooted to the edge of the bed and sat on her hands, legs kicking in curious anticipation.

“They are extremely respectful to what they’re listening to and think it might be disrespectful if they make a noise,” he said, lowering himself into a chair.  The video camera sat at the desk beside him. “It was sort of an eerie quiet, and so we started doing all these weird things, just goofing ourselves off, to fill the silence.”

She invited herself onto his lap. “That’s definitely different than the crowds here in the States.”

“Actually, you rowdy Americans could learn a thing or two.  Do you know how hard it is to play an acoustic set here?  It’s rather frustrating when-”

“Jimmy,” she said, cutting him off before he really got into it. “Your beard. It’s so much thicker than I remember.  Have you forgotten how to shave since I last saw you?”

“I admit I may have,” he laughed softly, thumbing his briary chin. Her nose wrinkled. “Oh, I see, you don’t approve?”  He pulled her closer and buried his face in her neck, his hand on the small of her back.  “You won’t be complaining when it’s down between your thighs shortly, my love, I’m quite certain of that.”

His beard bristled against her pale skin, his teeth nicking. At first it was gentle, just a tickle, but it quickly progressed to a sharper grate as he grew more hungry.  

“Remember the first night we met? You promised to dance for us before we left for the Rainbow,” he said between nips. “But then you and I, well, we got a little preoccupied didn’t we?”

A smile gingerly flirted across her lips as she pulled away and locked eyes, her fingers linked behind his neck. “I owe you, is that what you’re saying?”  

“I was just thinking how long it might be until I’ll see you again. I insisted on this detour, but Peter was right pissed about it. I don’t expect we’ll be back again for nearly a year.”  

Her expression grew plaintive. He had never promised fidelity, and she wasn’t naive enough to believe something so quixotic if he had.  But he did a damn good job of making her feel like the center of his affection: the international telegrams, the flowers.  He was so ardent like that.  And the time they spent holed up together in his darkened hotel room; day turned to night and back again before they even realized the absence of the sun in the first place.

“I know, darling, it’s a long while,” he soothed. “But you’ll help make tonight memorable, won’t you?”  His hands shifted to her bottom, spurring her to her feet.  He reached for the camera and she hesitated, but his steadfast gaze prompted her on. “Unforgettable, even.”

She cupped his face between her hands and thumbed his beard softly.  “Unforgettable, Jimmy,” she agreed. “Turn on the radio, would you?”

His cheekbones coaxed his eyes into crescents as a thin smile crept over his lips. He flipped the dial a moment, stilling when Paul Roger’s voice came pouring through, I said-ah, hey, what is this?  Now baby, maybe, maybe she's in need of a kiss…

“I think this will do, love, won’t it?”  She nodded through closed eyes, already letting the beat wash over her. All right now, baby it's all right now.

As the chorus picked up, so did her movements- slow and sensual- becoming more loose as she went on. She slipped her top over her head, tossing it to him with playful eyes.  But they still flicked timidly towards the camera now and again.

“You needn’t worry about the camera, darling. Just look at what you’re doing to me,”  he stroked his bulge through the trousers.  “I’ll tell you when to stop.”

She nodded and made a conscious effort to keep her eyes on him.  Her body kept its sway while her arms moved above and beside her to their own hypnotic rhythm.

Finally, Jimmy rose to his feet and took her face firmly between his hands. His gaze possessed her and his soft-shell lips fell open in awe.

“You are nothing,” he paused, then punctuated each word that followed, “short of remarkable.”  He kissed her like it was an act of worship, compromising her balance with his intensity.

With his lips still on hers, he guided her backwards and lowered her onto the bed, legs draping down over the side. He slipped her knickers past her knees then let gravity take them the rest of the way. Working her legs apart, he felt a slight resistance as he pressed the last few inches.  Only now did he break their kiss and step away.

He placed the video camera at the edge of the desk, carefully rearranging the angle multiple times. A pout furrowed through his bristled face, a disgruntled utterance followed. He adjusted the camera once more, his hands briefly framing it as if to compel it to hold its place.  Finally satisfied, a smile scampered across his lips.

When he turned around again, he found her legs nearly closed.  “Ah, ah, ah,” he chided. “I left you spread for a reason, love.”

“Is the camera still recording?” The slightest hint of reticence clung to her words.

“Well, of course. I’m not gonna stop the bloody tape now. We’re just getting to the good part, aren’t we?”  

“So, a pornographic film,” she propped herself up on her elbows. “Has that been your plan all along, Jimmy?”  He was relieved to find her tone uncertain, anticipatory even, but not cross.

“That’s beside the point, darling.  It’s really more of a- well,” he fingered his beard thoughtfully before a grin crept out from beneath the dark pelage.  “A personal memento. From you to me.”

She conveyed her agreement with a delicate brushing of her fingers against the back of his hand.  Then he knelt down between her legs, letting his fingertips graze along her inner thighs before finding the delicate hollows behind each knee.  

“You know how life on the road can be, love, don’t you? A thousand distractions one minute,” his lips hovered just inches from her already slick center.  The scratch of his beard against her thighs coupled with his heated breath only drew more wetness from her lips. “Unbearable loneliness the next. A travesty, really.”

She let out a sympathetic whimper, but her mind was focused solely on how to draw herself closer to his warmth. Longing to find a foothold, her fingers pawed at his shoulders, desperate for leverage he wouldn’t allow her to have.

Again she whimpered, no longer sympathetic but restive now.  “Jimmy, please, don’t tease me any longer.”

“Mmm, my darling,” his tongue drew across his lips, leaving them pink and glistening as the ones before him.  “You know why I need this film of you tonight?”

“No, Jimmy, why?” Frustration muddled her voice, growing wearing from lust.  

“Because I’m going to be bloody homesick for the taste of your sweet cunt,” he swept her legs over his shoulders and drowned himself in her sex.  

Her breath, which had been lying in wait, now billowed out in thick, heavy drawls as he kneaded her ass, fitting her body as tightly around him as he could.  In the viewfinder his dark curls sat at the center of the frame, with her ankles linked across his back and toes sharply curled.

“No, wait, I’ve a better idea, love.”

“Better than what?” Incredulousness echoed in her falsetto.  

“Mmm,” he sucked on her once more, reluctant to pull away. “You should sit on my face.”   Her brows pleated worriedly and he chuckled at her naivete.  “Well, not quite sit; straddle my face is more like it.  You’ll beg me never to shave again, darling, I promise.” He moved onto the bed and rested his head on the pillow, motioning for her to follow.  

Hesitant, she crawled up beside him. His nod was both a gentle encouragement and a demand.  As she kneeled over him, he shimmied down into position. “Use the headboard, love, you’ll need it.”

“The what?”  Before she could register his words, he began to lap at her with a wicked hunger.  “Oh fuck!” Her knees buckled and he gave a quick chortle as she fumbled to support herself.

A most delicious friction came when he wrapped his arms around her legs, goading her hips into a steady rhythm, one that she soon carried on without his insistence. It was impossible now to know where her wetness ended and his saliva began, but it didn’t matter.  His beard offered the perfect resistance as she kept sliding, forward and back, lingering where she needed the extra traction.  

Soon, he felt her thighs tighten beneath the spread of his palms.  As the heat swelled and pulsed within her she trembled, growing helpless against the gravity of the oncoming orgasm.  Her hips pitched forward but Jimmy carried her through to a breathless collapse.

“Oh my goodness,” she said, expelling an overdrawn breath.   

“Hmm, I’d say you thoroughly enjoyed that after all, darling, didn’t you?”  His lips angled into a grin as he lowered her down beside him, then worked the buttons on his shirt with deft fingers. There were damp circles beneath each arm, the fabric saturated, no longer the delicate gray of icy lilacs. “As did I.”  

His beard glistened now in the dim light- a obsidian glacé- and she blushed at the realization that her arousal had caused it. Keen to her embarrassment, he kissed her hard and purposefully.  He was steeped in her scent, but he wore it like a badge of honor.

“I love pleasuring you, darling,” he rubbed his nose on hers, an Eskimo kiss with extra whiskers. “But-”, as he spoke, her hands slid down to his pants, fingers tugging in each of his front pockets.

“It’s your turn now,” she finished his thought aloud, stroking him with one hand while the other worked the trio of buttons. “How do you want me, baby?”

Jimmy stood and removed the rest of his clothing, then laid back down.  He stroked himself slowly with one hand, the long fingers of the other beckoning her to come hither.  “On top.  I want you to ride me.” She cupped her breasts and straddled him, but he shook his head. “No, the other way. Ride me facing the camera.”

She paused for a second, then nodded as she registered the motive behind his preference and quickly righted herself.  She felt his length smooth and hard against her center and rubbed gently against it, moaning softly, while she waited for permission.  

“Go on, love,” his fingers skimmed the small of her back, then he gave her backside a sharp squeeze with both hands, before his hands settled on her hips like reins. “Don’t hold back now. Show me everything.”  

She sat up on her knees and guided him to her opening, sliding down gently, her mouth agape as he filled her.  He groaned, eyes lidding as she took all of him. She began slowly riding up until he nearly slipped out from her delicate pink embrace, then back down. Again. And again. Stretching her spine tall, her hands groped her chest like she was frantically searching for something in the darkness. Each time she felt his tip press against her inner wall, her head dipped back and she gasped for breath.

“Fuck, Jimmy, you feel so good.”  Her eyes had shut, relegating other senses to the forefront.

Her pleasure was mounting, as was the desire to feel him harder, deeper, faster.  A tight pressing on her hips revealed he had that same need, and was quickly growing impatient. When she picked up her speed he growled in delight, spreading her cheeks for a better view of her body plunging down to swallow him.  

“That’s it, love, keep riding me like that,”  his voice was gnarled with lust. “And rub that little clit for me.  Don’t stop until you come, alright?”

Her back bowed like a half moon, rising and falling to an internal rhythm that became more urgent with each frantic circle her fingers drew upon her body.  With her other hand, she clutched his thigh to steady herself against the rippling heat.

“Oh, baby, I’m so close,” she whimpered.

“Keep going, baby. I want to come with you,” he groaned, the pressure from her mounting orgasm bringing him closer to his own.  And then her spine curved and shoulders dropped forward.  Her feet, tucked against his side, were curled and shaking, moans dripping from her mouth in a deluge of breath.  

Just before her body stilled, she felt Jimmy fill her with his sticky warmth.  Fingers still cinched sharply at her sides, he let out a raspy sigh as if he still had moans caught in his throat.

His hands skid across her back, pulling her gently down and beside him again. “I love it so much more when we come together.”  

She wove her fingers into his beard as she kissed him, leaving them there even when their lips parted. “Me too, Jimmy.” For a few moments, they lingered like that: eyes locked and wordless.

“Just one second, love.”  He pulled away and his slight, pale frame padded to the desk.

“Jimmy, come on!” she bemoaned.  “You’ve got to be kidding.  Can’t we turn that thing off yet?”

“Almost, almost.  There’s one thing missing yet.”  Despite the abundance of facial hair, his smile was surprisingly guileless as he crawled back into bed, wielding the camera like a child prepared to taunt a sibling.

He held the camera at arm’s length above them, turning it round and round, alternating between goofy and grotesque faces.  When the lens closed in on her, she buried her face into his shoulder, shielding her profile with her palm.

“What’s the point of this, Jimmy?  Turn it off already. And don’t come in so close!” Her stifled giggles belied the protest in her voice.  And when he tugged her hand away from her smile, she let him.

“That was the point.  I needed your smile on there, too,” he switched off the camera and placed it on the bedside table. “Thank you. For this. I know the camera made you uneasy some.”

“You’re welcome, Jimmy.  It was a little awkward, but just at first.You’re the only who's going to see this though, right?”

“Of course, love. This is for my eyes only. Well, after the film editor puts it to reel.  He’s going to have to watch it through at least once,” he smiled cheekily, raising an eyebrow. “Unless, perhaps you’d like a copy as well?”

She scoffed, but when she realized he wasn’t quite kidding she paused.  He saw puzzlement wrinkle through her eyebrows- she was considering it-  but no words came off her waiting lips.

“Ah, you do, I knew you would.  Then you shall have one,” he slid his arm beneath her shoulders, pulling her in close. His beard tickled against her closed lids as he kissed her forehead. “And you are to watch it every day until I see you again. You're not to forget about me, darling, is that understood?”

*          *          *

Enormous thanks to @brownskinsugarplum76 for pitching the camera idea to me a long while ago, and to @firethatgrewsolow for the wonderful suggestions and helpful edits, for helping me feel that I’m not that crazy (or at least that I’m in good company when I am!) and for the overall guidance to make me to become a better writer! <3

And lastly a thank you to the talented writer who inspired this and helped me fall for this bearded fool in the first place.

*          *          *

You can find the rest of my stories here or search #writingbytremble. <3

[10th-no-name-person]

Nightmare

Okay, so this is something I wrote a couple of weeks ago, so I figured it’s the perfect time to post it given that the community once again is on fire haha. @thebluehearted I hope you enjoy it! 💚

It’s been a while since Jack was able to enjoy the holiday season. He found himself sitting across the fireplace which was killing him and the rest of the Egos warm. Chase, Jameson and Marvin were all cuddle up together with blankets on the floor. Jackie was all bundled up with Sam on the small chair, while Schneep had his head resting on his lap. It was a very hard decision between spending Christmas in his dimension with his family or with the Egos. He chuckled to himself as he remembered how their eyes lit up with happiness and excitement when he told them he would spend the holidays with them.

He then carefully pulled his phone out of his pocket to check the times he was surprised to see the Egos sleeping so early. Maybe he should do the same, get a little rest before it was time to open gifts. His eyes free hacker the more he stared at the cracking flames at the fireplace.

“Isn’t this lovely?” Static filled the air around the cabin, his body tensed up when he heard Anti’s voice echo through the room. He wiped his head around, but there was no sign of the demon, but he then noticed that no of the Egos where around. He jumped to his feet, panic rising in his chest and blinding his senses.

“Guys?” He called out, but what he got in response was a sickening laughter. The cabin started to melt away in front of his eyes. What kind of sick trick was this? Jack sprinted out if the cabin and found himself in the snowy woods.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chase walked downstairs carefully holding two mugs of hot chocolate, he knew it was Jack’s favorite and it was already that time of year. And on top of that it was his turn to keep an eye on him. There we so many things he wanted to tell him, maybe this time he would react to his voice. The more he got closer to the basement the louder the machines monitoring Jack got.

“Hey buddy, it’s me again.” Chase walked closer to him, he swallowed hard the knot on his throat as he gazed at his creator. “I umm, I-I brought you some hot chocolate. I know you can’t drink it, but maybe the smell of it will spark something.” He then sat down, leaving the mug on the nightstand next to him.

“It’s Christmas Eve, the rest are upstairs finishing up decorating. Even Schneep offered to help.” He forced a chuckled, “He never leaves your side, it’s the first time in months that he does, only because you…” Chase sighed, his eyes focused on the slow rising and falling of his chest with every breath he took, his heartbeat steadily beeping on the machine. “I recorded a video today, for your channel I mean. When you wake up, I hope we can collaborate together. I’ve gotten better at it. Hell, Stacy even the me see the Kids a few days ago. I wish you could see how much they’ve grown.”

His voice cracked a little, but it didn’t stop a smile to find its way on his face. It was such a nice surprised when Stacy showed up with them, it was so unexpected from her. He never felt so happy, but soon enough he was brought back to reality when the sound of Jack’s heartbeat started increasing with each passing second. Another nightmare, “Jack, you are safe.” He hushed to him, “is just a nightmare.” And then Jack started shivering, his breathing becoming shaky and rapid. Was he cold? Chase quickly grabbed his hand, the blood drained from his face, he was freezing. “Henrik!” he yelled in terror.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack walked further into the forest, arms were wrapped tightly around his body to keep the little heat he had left. The further he walked in the harder the snow fell, he couldn’t keep his teeth from chattering from the cold, hell, he only had a sweater on.

“Are you cold, Jack?” he heard Anti’s glitchy voice fill the air. “I can make that go away, all you have to do is give me what I want.” Then his glitchy form appeared in front of him, knife in hands and a wide crazed grin on his face. “That whole scenario was lovely. Although, it kinda hurt I wasn’t included. I’m part of the family after all.” he said sarcastically.

“I’ll n-never give y-you what you w-want.” Jack said between shivers, he knew from the beginning this wasn’t real. He needed to keep Anti trapped in his mind so the others could be safe from him, but he also knew his body and mind grew weaker with each passing day. He knew that soon he had to wake up.

Anti gripped his knife harder, “I am growing tired of your games” he hissed, “You and I both know you can’t keep me here forever running in circles, around, and around, and around!” he kicked Jack down, amusement evident in his eyes. Jack yelped as soon as his body made contact with the snow beneath him, his trembling escalating every second.

“You think I haven’t noticed? You are growing weaker.” He sneered, the dark entity knelt in front of his defenseless creator. “You know why I haven’t killed you?” he asked while proping his head on his hand. “B-because y-you will d-die too.” Jack whispered, Anti clicked his tongue, annoyance evident in his face. Anti brought his knife closer to his arm, Jack’s panicked expression reflecting on it. With a swift movement he made a deep cut across his arm, only to cause Jack to scream in agony.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“We need blankets, now!” the doctor yelled at the others. “Anything that you can find we need to keep Jack warm.” It was the first time Schneep saw something like this happen before. He could hear his teeth chattering hard, and his body was trembling nonstop. Whatever was going on in his mind was killing him faster, and he could not let this end like this.

“Marvin, I need you to cast a spell to keep these blankets warm for him!” he barked at him, Marvin nodded and made his spellbook appear out of thin air. “What the-?” the doctor heard the hero yell, “What’s the matter?” but he didn’t wait for an answer, out of nowhere a long deep cut spread through Jack’s pale arm as the blood followed to drip fast out of it. In a heartbeat Henrik searched for bandages and tightly wrapped it around the wound to stop the bleeding.

“Doc, what the hell is going on?” Jackie yelled, panic written in his face. “I-” he looked at Jack, his eyes rapidly moving side to side under his eyelids. It can’t be a simple nightmare, the only thing that would get affected, and occasionally he would get a fever. Chase and JJ came back with what looked like all the blankets around the house.

They both carefully placed them on top and around Jake while Marvin casted the spell on them.”Hang in there, friend.” he whispered as Jack’s shivers continued.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Oh, did that hurt?” Anti asked stifling a laugh. He walked towards Jack, who was trying his hardest not to cry, Anti couldn’t be more satisfied than this, it wouldn’t take long for him to give out to exhaustion. “You must be very exhausted, Jack. Why don’t you take a break?”Anti purred.

“N-never…” he breathed, frustrated by the creator’s stubbornness, he picked him by the collar of his sweater. His heart started hammering hard against his ribcage, he never had an encounter with Anti before, his blue eyes made contact with Anti’s black cold ones, “You will lose, Jack. I will get what I want and after I do, I will be unstoppable.” Anti snapped his fingers and with that the rest of the Egos appeared in front of them, his eyes widen in terror at the sight of all of them with red strings wrapped around them, their glassy eyes staring at nothing. Jack wriggle his way off Anti’s grip and fell hard on the snow, wincing at the burning wound in his arm.

“Tell you what, if you don’t give me what want.” he said as he prowled around the egos. He grabbed the red strings of the 5 slumped egos, pulling them up so they could rise. “I’ll have to hunt your precious little boys. One. By. One.” Marvin, or the shell of him, raised his head, his eyes glowing a neon blue. “Tick Tock, Jack.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Da, is Mr. McLoughlin going to be okay?” Jameson signed to Chase with quivering hands, his eyes traveled to Shcneep, Jackie and Marvin who were surrounding Jack’s medical bed. Chase wrapped his arm around the younger Ego. “With all the blankets and Marv’s magic we were able to warm him up. He’ll be okay” He said reassuringly, “And doc here will keep an eye on him, right?” Schneep smiled weakly, “His temperature is stabilizing thanks to all of you. But, I must keep an eye on him, his heart rate is all over the place.” He rubbed the back of his hand across his forehead, it was going to be a long night for all of them.

“Marvin, what are you doing?” he heard the hero shout, all of them turned their attention to them which struck them with horror, Marvin was holding a knife to the hero’s throat. “Marv, what has gotten into you!.” Chase yelled, Marvin didn’t respond, the only thing that could be heard on the room was Jackie’s panicked breathing, “Marv, put the knife down, please.” the hero whispered with shaky breath, then the magician smirked and with a swift move he slashed Jackie’s throat who instantly tumbled to floor. Schneep let out a shriek of horror, feeling the burn in his own throat.

He stumbled to Jackie’s side, who’s eyes were foggy and his blood was pooling around him. “Now, who’s next? The failure of a doctor? The pathetic vlogger? Or the innocent dapper boy?” Marvin hissed, there was something sinister in his voice which sparked terror in the doctor’s chest. “Chase, get out of here!” the other two Egos ran as Marvin glided towards Shcneep and crashed him hard against the wall. “L-let go…” he gasped as he threw kicks trying to free himself from the magician’s grip. “You don’t know how long I’ve been wanting to do this, doc.” Marvin sneered while he locked his grip tight around the doctor’s throat, as he noticed a subtle glitch in his voice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Please, stop this!” Jack almost sobbed as he watched how Anti moved the strings wrapped around Marvin’s limbs. “Then give up control, Jack and better decide quick, doctor here seems to be running low on air.” Anti said casually as he Made Marvin tighten his grip around Schneep’s throat.

Tears stung his eyes, he couldn't let them die because of him but it would be the same if he gave up control. There was nothing else to do, Jack hung his head, trying hard to ignore the void and pain growing on his chest. “Fine! I’ll give you what you want!” he exclaimed, tears finally streaming down his numb cheeks “Just… stop hurting them, please… Don’t hurt them…” he whimpered, his bottom lip quivered uncontrollably. Anti let out a cackle as he made everything around them disappear leaving them in darkness. With a short wave of his hand, Anti wrapped red strings around Jack’s body like snakes, tightening around his wrists, legs and neck. A maniac grin spread on his face as he lifted Jack’s head with his knife, defeat evident in him. “Is time to wake up.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

“You are no use to me-” Marvin was cut off as someone knocked him out with a chair, he fell to the floor dropping Schneep which took a big gulp of air, it scared him how used to he was getting to near-death situations. Jackie stumbled while grasping his throat, Marvin didn’t cut deep enough so it gave him enough time to heal. “Jackie!” the doctor croaked, staggering towards the hero, “Let me take a look.” he removed Jackie’s bloody hand off the wound, what was left was a scar and some inflammation around it. Relief washed over him, then both of them glanced at the unconscious magician, how did Anti managed to possess him out of nowhere. He’s been gone since Jack… But why now?

Jackie crouched next to him and sighed, “He’s going to have a killer headache after this.” as he said it Marvin stirred awake, a pained groan escaped his lips “W-what happened?” he mumbled. Jackie helped him up as he clutched his hand over the back of his head. “Do you remember anything?” the hero asked hesitantly, Marvin furrowed his brow and then every drop of blood drained from his face as he noticed the noticed the red streak on the hero’s neck. “D-did I do t-that?” Marvin asked terrified, “That looks a lot similar like…”

“You were possessed by Anti.” Schneep stated as his hand traveled to his now bruised throat, “That’s impossible, why now?” Jackie snapped, “Anti’s been missing since Jack was comatose!” He yelled at them, usually Schneep would intervene and try to calm down the hero but this time he had to let him feel this anger. “Maybe it’s all connected…” they all turned their attention to Chase who was rubbing Jameson’s back, “Maybe Anti sent us a warning that he’s coming back.” He whispered. “If it’s all connected then Jack should be able to wake up! But he hasn’t! He’s in the same state that he has for a year!” Jackie’s voice cracked, tears threatened to escape the hero’s eyes which he quickly wiped away.

And then they all heard it, the room went completely quiet when they heard Jack take his first actual breath as his blue eyes opened. All sort of emotions ran through the Egos, happiness, excitement, relief but also concern. Schneep was the first one to make his way to him who was trying to hold his tears back. “Jack, do you know where you are?” The doctor asked, it took a few seconds for him to registered the question, “Jack? D-do you remember us?” Chase asked with a trembling voice.

Jack’s breath started quickening, his eyes widening in terror. “No, this is not right… I can’t be awake, not now!” He screamed, all of them were stunned at this, “Jack, my friend, you’ve been… in a coma for a year. We need to ru-“ Sncheep jumped as Jack grabbed his arm and squeezed it with the little strength he had. Schneep looked at him in terror, not because of his action, but because of the horror hunting his eyes. “Jack, you are safe here. No one is going to hurt you.” Schneep soothed him.

“He’s coming! I can’t let him win! I need to-“ he stifled a painful groan while gripping at his head. “Jack, look at me. Look at me!” Jackie cupped his face, it pained to see his creator so vulnerable. “I c-can’t p-protect you from him…” he whispered while blinking tears away. “You’ve been through enough, let us take it from here.” Jackie said with a reassuring smile, “We will protect you, Jack. Now, let doc here check up on you, we are happy to have you back.” Schneep walked towards him, “ Alright, why don’t you guys go get dinner and bring it down here? Jack must be hungry, and I need to run some tests first.” He said turning to him, he couldn’t believe he was awake after all those sleepless nights and constant panic that he might not make it to the next day.

Schneep couldn’t help himself and hugged him, “I’m glad that you’re okay, Jack. It’s been a rough year.” He whispered, after a few seconds he pulled away. “Let me go get my tools and we’ll start examining.” Schneep disappeared in the depths of his lab.

Jack’s hands ventured to his throat and touched it gingerly, a wide grin spread on his face as he didn’t feel the open wound on his throat. “Nice try, Jack. I’ll give you credit for trying to warn the others.” He said, feeling odd since his voice sounded normal, not a glitch in sight. “But you’ll be punished for that.” He sneered, “Do whatever you want with me, but please don’t hurt the others…” he heard his faint voice in his head, he giggled, “You lost the right to ask me anything when you made that attempt. Now, who will I corrupt first?” He asked as himself, “I really want to make you suffer-“ he then heard something falling from the stairway, perfect timing “Who’s there?” Anti said mimicking Jack’s concerned voice to perfection.

A trembling Jameson rounded around the corner, his hands moving frantically as he picked up the silver tray that slipped from his grip. Anti couldn’t make up what he was trying to say, he’s SL was very rusty. “I’m sorry, Mr. McLoughlin. I didn’t mean to startle you.” That’s all he managed to catch from the trembling mute, Anti knew who his first victim was and it made him buzz with excitement. “Jameson? C-can you s-stay here until Schneep comes back? I don’t want to be alone.” He said with a hint of panic, Jameson fell for Anti’s act and rushed towards him which he immediately regret it. He noticed the fast flash between blue and neon green in his creators eyes. The color on Jameson’s face drained as he realized what was going on. He grasped at the young Egos arm before he could run away and pulled him closer to him.

“Shhh don’t be scared, puppet, good ol’ Jack is still here. He’s just taking a break.” He purred, Jameson’s eyes widen in fear, he needed to get the others, he needed to warn the others. “You’re not going to tell the others, are you? Because if you tell the others I might have to make a brief visit to Chase.” Anti said casually while Jameson’s heart threatened to burst out of his chest. “He’d be so disappointed in you for making such accusations, and we wouldn’t want that, would you?” Anti smiled, but it wasn’t a wicked smile, it was a friendly welcoming smile. One that many would fall for, even Jameson himself. He nodded slowly, his body still trembling fearing Anti might hurt him. “Good puppet. Jack won’t hurt you, Jack will protect you.” Jameson felt sleepy all of the sudden, as if Anti’s words were some type of spell he was getting tangled in. “You are in for the ride of your life.”

[tyrannysaurusfloof]

Kneeling at my Predetermined Grave

Summary:  Dark didn't believe he was capable of love, but the petals on his pillow tell a different story. Characters: Darkiplier, Mark Fischbach, Antisepticeye Relationships: Dark/Mark (One-sided), Danti (Implied) Warnings: Hanahaki Disease, Unrequited Love

Read on AO3

The first time Dark woke to find a petal on his pillow, he didn’t pay it much mind, merely frowned in confusion and threw it out. It had been a Daffodil petal, bright yellow and curved against the grey of Dark’s aura, and though Dark didn’t remember being around flowers the previous day, he assumed it had come off Chica and ignored it.

Petals continued appearing on his pillow when he woke up, always from a different flower, and when it became too much of a pattern for it simply to be Chica bringing them in on her fur, Dark began to pay attention to the meaning behind the petals.

Daffodils for unrequited love.

Rich, red carnations for deep romantic love.

A combination of white and yellow tulips for one sided love and hopeless love respectively.

Each petal was soft to the touch and slightly damp, and every morning there would be an assortment of them resting on his pillow. Dark was perturbed about where they were coming from, and the meanings behind them. He lived alone with Mark, and there was no way Mark was leaving these petals for him to find. A part of him thought of Anti, glitching through to prank him with strange flowers, but it wasn’t in the other egos style to do something like that, so Dark quickly dismissed the thought.

At a loss for the reason why, Dark continued to ignore them.

The answer soon made itself apparent.

It was during a charity livestream. Dark was watching from his room, where he promised to stay to make sure the cameras didn’t accidently pick him or his aura up. Mark was laughing at something, a joke that had been made in the chat of the video about the charity stream, and Dark’s chest had constricted.

An odd feeling began to rise in him, almost as if something was trying to claw its way out of his chest. His lungs burned, unable to bring in enough air for a proper breath, and his heart seemed to be beating at twice the normal rate, which didn’t seem possible. Hunching over his laptop, Dark coughed harshly, hand over his mouth, and the harsh tickle in his throat slowly subsided, becoming a gentle softness resting on his tongue. Spitting the offending object out, Dark found it was a Daffodil petal, curled because of the dampness of his mouth, but still a beautiful, bright yellow against his palm. Almost immediately breathing became easier and his heart rate slowed.

He stared at it for a long time, the stream forgotten.

Coughing up flowers…all of which had a connection to love. It was absurd! Dark wasn’t in love with anyone, he doubted he could even feel the emotion genuinely, but curiosity drove him to google the meaning behind coughing up flower petals.

The laptop almost went flying across the room at the answer.

“Hanahaki Disease.” Dark whispered, “A disease widely thought to be a myth, as it is only documented in official records three times. It is a disease born of unrequited, one-sided love, and the main symptom seems to be the regurgitation of flower petals from inside the lungs. There is no known cure, but it has been speculated that reciprocation of love will cure the disease. If left untreated, the disease will slowly spread through the entirety of the chest cavity, puncturing the lungs and clogging the airwaves and causing death.”

It was almost laughable, but Dark couldn’t quite bring himself to make a sound after he finished reading. How could he have such a disease? He wasn’t in love with anyone.

Closing the webpage, the livestream feed popped back up and Mark was talking again, some inane babble as he was wont to do. Dark’s chest constricted again, the same clawing feeling itching at the back of his throat, and his shell cracked violently.

Mark.

No.

He was not-.

There was no way he could be-.

In love with Mark?

His existence, his entire reason for being there was to destroy Mark and take over his channel, to manipulate as many people as he could to make sure all the attention was on him, that he didn’t fade. And now…his body was telling him that he had fallen in love.

Of course, if it were true, it would be unreciprocated. Mark made no effort to hide that he only tolerated Dark, on occasions liked him when Dark decided to be helpful rather than a dangerous hindrance. The Youtuber was more than happy with Amy…and there was no way that was ever going to change, even if Dark used his aura and silver-tongue to try.

Dark kicked himself for even entertaining the idea that this was true. He couldn’t trust the source the description had come from, and if living with Mark had proven anything, it was the internet liked to take small “romantic” stories and blow them out of proportion. Snapping his laptop shut, Dark told himself he was going to put it out of his mind for good.

But really, when had life ever been that simple.

Now he was aware of the symptoms and what they potentially meant, everything became worse. The petals no longer only appeared in the morning, clearly coughed up in the night. Dark had to spend more time excusing himself from Mark’s presence than was normal, just to hide away in the bathroom and cough until his entire body was aching, and there were blood stained petals all around him.

The petal variation continued to increase as well.

Red roses for love.

Morning Glory for love in vain.

Small, full flowered Acacia’s for secret love.

Dark began to lose count after a while how many petals came and what they symbolised, too busy just trying to hold onto consciousness when they appeared.

The first time such an attack woke him in the middle of the night, clawing at his chest in an attempt to breath and cutting off his air completely to the point he nearly passed out, Dark knew he had to make a plan. And the only plan he could think of that would hold any sort of healing power, was to finally make a move and get rid of Mark. If there was no one around for him to ‘love’, then there were would be no petals anymore. It was sound logic, and if Dark was honest with himself, this had been a long time coming. Living with Mark had made him soft, he hadn’t been trying as hard to truly achieve his main goals of control, but that was about to change.

He wasn’t going to lose his life for something as small, and petty, as apparent love.

Opportunities to get rid of Mark liked to present themselves on silver platters as well, Dark found. The man was slightly clumsy, and so easy to manipulate even though he knew Dark’s nature in and out since he had created him. It was so easy to talk him into falling down the stairs, or slicing himself while cooking, or even walking into an elevator that was clearly marked as out of service. The resulting fall down the shaft would have broken every bone in his body, and Dark had excitedly watched as Mark walked closer to the edge, only to have his heart flip-flop in his chest and his brain spasm at what he was doing.

With a burning in his lungs every time he watched Mark get close to death, Dark would save him. Petals would burst from his lips as he did, but he would skilfully hide them, and Mark would be none the wiser thanks to Dark’s aura.

It soon became clear that killing Mark was not an option. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. The thought of living in a world without him, without ever hearing his laugh, seeing his smile, or even the brief moments where they made physical contact caused Dark literal pain. His lungs rejected the idea of killing Mark so much that Dark began to believe if he actually went through with it, he’d end up dying himself through the blasted disease inside his chest.

Something had to change.

He couldn’t keep living like this.

Anti found out by accident.

He was over from Brighton, bored at Jack’s house because he wasn’t home but out with family who had come to visit, and so had decided to come and bug Dark. As he glitched into the room, Dark fell to his knees, coughing so hard blood came before the petals, spattering the wooden floor beneath him a crimson red. It felt like an entire flower was trying to bloom out of the back of his throat, and from the number of petals he spat out, Dark wouldn’t have been surprised if that was indeed the case.

Anti was calling his name when he finally came back to himself.

“You look terrible.” The glitch muttered, rubbing Dark’s back as the ego continued to shudder, shell barely held together from the force of it all. “What the fuck is going on Dark?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” Dark rasped.

And he was right.

“Hanahaki Disease isn’t real.” Anti laughed, closing Dark’s laptop and staring at the grey-skinned ego in disbelief, “Have you really convinced yourself you’ve got it?!”

Dark couldn’t stop the anger bubbling inside him from coming forth, and he sent Anti slamming backwards into the wall, one hand around his throat. “Believe me Anti, I was just as sceptical about the idea as you were.” He hissed, voice scratchy from the coughing and lips blood red, “But how about you try constantly coughing up flower petals every time you go near your host, or in the middle of the night, or just at random intervals in the day. How about you try living with the fear that the next time it happens you might not be able to catch your breath again as your lungs punish you for feeling an emotion that is supposed to elicit joy. How about you try living with this for months, always hiding it, always acutely aware that nothing is ever going to make it better?! Then come back and tell me it isn’t fucking real.”

Anti was wide-eyed when the outburst finished, and Dark released him from his grip with shaking hands, his shell popping and cracking back into place harshly.

“This has been going on for months?” Anti asked softly.

Dark nodded.

“And you’re in love with Mark?”

Running a hand through his hair, Dark mentally kicked himself for ever mentioning Mark, since he probably wouldn’t hear the end of it. Anti however, just looked worried.

“Is there a cure?” He inquired.

Shaking his head, Dark collapsed backwards onto his bed with a huffed laugh. “No. Well, a speculated one is that if the other person falls in love with you, it’ll cure it. And there’s about as much chance of that happening as you suddenly sprouting feathers.”

“Hey, you’re coughing up flowers, anything could happen.” Anti shrugged, although the tightness of his tone told Dark he was joking out of discomfort.

Dark laughed quietly, appreciative of Anti’s attempts to lighten the mood. And that was that, in the end. Anti didn’t bring it up again, merely sat with Dark and rubbed his back and told him how to breath when the attacks happened. Dark could tell he was itching to attack Mark, to tell him, to do something to cure Dark of what was happening to him, but he held back.

When the shakes started, Dark knew there was little time left.

He woke one morning to find Mark standing over him, a concerned look in his eyes.

“You were screaming.” He said quietly, “You okay?”

“I don’t need your concern.” Dark spat, and it hurt to reject him, to see the myriad of emotions flash through his eyes before Mark finally threw up his hands.

“What the fuck is wrong with you Dark?” He demanded.

It was too early in the morning for this and Dark could feel the petals coming and this was going to be an attack worse than one he had ever felt before, and he really needed Mark to get out of his personal space, but the man wasn’t moving until he got answers.

“I don’t know what you mean.” Dark sneered in response.

Mark sighed, “You’ve become a completely different person. Always avoiding me, never wanting to do anything with the channel anymore…you just hide yourself away.”

“Yes, maybe because I hate you and I don’t want anything to do with you!” Dark shouted. The words were partially true, because even if his heart had betrayed him by loving Mark, he also hated the man for creating such a painful reminder of love inside him. “Maybe you should just watch your back because things seem quiet now, but they won’t always be.”

The words had their desired effect and Mark left him alone. Dark wretched and coughed, plucking nearly fully formed flowers from the back of his throat now instead of singular, soft petals.

His body wouldn’t stop shaking after that conversation.

Anti became a permanent feature in their house, and Mark became nervous around him because the glitch made no effort to hide his contempt for Mark when he was around. Mark had no idea what he had done, but he felt incredibly guilty and worried whenever Anti was there but Dark was too tired to care anymore.

His makeup became a way to hide the bags under his eyes from barely sleeping anymore, his suits became a way to hide the sallowness of his body from being unable to eat or take any sort of sustenance. Every breath was shaky, the oxygen barely having enough room amidst the flower petals and vines of the disease snaking through him. Dark felt as if he no longer had control of his muscles, they would constantly twitch and he would constantly shake and nothing made it better except being close to Mark, but that always made it worse in the end.

Dark knew the flowers had finally punctured a lung when he woke up choking on blood. His gurgled breaths woke Anti, who was resting next to him, and he had never seen the glitch so panicky before.

“You can’t die on me!” He demanded, voice sounding far away past the rushing in Dark’s ears. “Don’t leave me alone!”

And he was right, Dark thought slowly. If he died from this disease, Anti would be the only ego left around. If he ever came back, he wouldn’t be the same, and Anti would only have memories to keep him going.

In that moment, all Dark wanted to do was live, but it was getting harder. He couldn’t talk, couldn’t even draw breath, his airway blocked by a large, black rose. Anti told him so, told him he had could see the flower pressing against the skin of Dark’s throat, and when he looked in Dark’s mouth, he saw the jet-black petals.

Death.

The final flower was death.

Ironic.

Anti was holding his hand. He was no longer begging, seemingly accepting that Dark wasn’t going to make it.

Dark reached for him, grasping at his t-shirt and pulling him down enough to be able to trace the cut on Anti’s neck. He got the message immediately, since Dark couldn’t form proper words.

“End it now.”

It was too painful, Dark didn’t want to die like this. If he was going to die, may as well be quick. Anti’s hand’s didn’t’ shake as he pulled out his knife, and Dark didn’t get to see what he did, eyes closing as his body gave out from the lack of sufficient oxygen.

When his eyes reopened, Dark was surprised to find his room. His body was nothing but a hotbed of pain, and yet breathing was surprisingly easy. Anti was still next to him, hands covered in blood, and cupped in one palm was a perfectly formed black rose.

“Don’t try and speak.” He whispered when he saw Dark was awake, “You won’t be able to for a while.”

Silently, Dark peered at him, asking with his eyes what he had done.

“I cut it out of you Dark.” Anti murmured, “It’s gone.”

In his other hand, Anti held up a picture of Mark. Dark blanched, expecting extremely painful convulsions in his chest but nothing happened. No pain, no coughing, no crawling feeling of a petal trying to come out, there was nothing at all. No feelings of love or caring towards Mark flooded him, just the normal feelings that had been there before all this had started.

“You’ll have a few new scars.” Anti said softly, “But no more pain.”

Unable to speak, Dark reached for Anti’s hand, the one holding the black rose. Pressing their hands together, he destroyed the flower, a silent word of thanks to the glitch in front of him.

Anti shrugged, although under his slight glitch, Dark could see a smile.

[obsessive-fics]

Title: my fire was fate with you

Summary: Dani is less than thrilled when her band gets a gig opening for Fiona Lester, someone she considers to be the opposite of everything she stands for. But after being on tour forces them together, Dani realizes she might have misjudged Fiona, and an unlikely friendship blooms

Rating: T

Word Count: 7.2k

A/N: A huge thank you to my beta @maybeformepersonally for making this fic the best it could ever be. Written for homesickghosts for the @phandomficfests secret santa fic exchange (Title from Honey by Kehlani)

[Read on Ao3]

“Who’s the best manager in the world?”

Dani looked up to her manager, Jade, practically floating into the studio where she was recording with her band, the Violent Femmes. They were taking a break after a twenty minute argument about whether their new song needed a thirty second instrumental break. Dani thought the song sounded better without it but her guitarist, Dodie, was insistent, and Sam, their drummer, refused to pick sides.

“Are you gonna tell us the good news, or do you need to be flattered first?” Dani asked, from her spot, hanging upside down on the couch.

“Flattery, please,” Jade requested with a grin, propping herself on the arm of the couch.

“Jade, you are the best manager in the world, we would be singing on the streets for change if you hadn’t found it in your heart to take us under your wing, and we thank the universe every day that we have you.”

“That’ll do. I just got you guys a gig opening for Atomic Kittens,” Jade announced, and Dani nearly fell on the floor.

“No. Absolutely not.”

“They literally have the number one song in the country right now. Do you know how much exposure this could get you?” Jade asked in that way that meant, I know the answer to this question, you don’t, and we’re doing this whether you want to or not.

“This could ruin our reputation! All they sing are girly songs about boys and makeup, or whatever it is straight girls sing about,” Dani said, shifting so she was sitting upright. Atomic Kittens weren’t exactly the best role models for their listeners, who were mostly teenagers. All their music did was enforce the stereotype that girls should base their worth on whether they were being considered attractive by boys, instead of just being able to exist as they were.

It was all this faux sense of empowerment, like it was somehow feminist because they were choosing to do things that made them more appealing. But all it did was isolate girls and gender nonconforming people who didn’t fit into that extremely narrow, extremely heteronormative view of what it meant to be a woman. And teach the girls that did fit into it that they couldn’t be anything more than that. Dani hated all of it, and the last thing she wanted to do was attach their name to people who promoted stuff like that.  

“People have to know who you are for you to have a reputation.”

“Hey!”

“Look, we’ve been over this. The first step in making a change is getting your name out there. You’ll make a much bigger impact once you broaden your audience, and opening for a best selling artist is the way to do that,” Jade told her, and Dani hated it when she was right. It was possible that the audience at an Atomic Kittens show really needed to hear the things she had to say, about loving yourself for you, and not trying to fit into that narrow definition of womanhood. And hopefully doing this would mean expanding their audience, which was the best way to get their message out there. Finally, Dani sighed.

“I’m still not happy about this.”

“Either way, I’ve already agreed, so you’re gonna have to put on your big girl pants and deal with it,” Jade said, and Dani knew there was no fighting this.

And that was how Dani found herself standing face to face with Fiona Lester, one of the biggest pop stars in the world right now. There was no denying Fiona was gorgeous, with her long, straight jet black hair framing her big blue eyes. But Dani had a very strict policy against falling for straight girls, and especially straight girls that made asinine bubblegum pop.

“We’re so excited to work with you! Diane played us some of your stuff and we loved it,” Fiona said excitedly, holding out her hand.

“Hm,” Dani replied dismissively, looking past her. “So when do we get started?”

Admittedly, she was being unnecessarily mean, but she wasn’t going to be yet another person in Fiona’s life falling all over her. Even if she was tall, and beautiful, and exactly the kind of person Dani would’ve fallen for before she learned better.

“Well, we have a week of rehearsal at the Roundhouse, and then we fly to New York for the first show,” Diane, Atomic Kittens’ manager explained.

“Sounds good to everyone?” Jade asked, and they all responded affirmatively. Dani couldn’t believe Jade and Diane were already such a united front. She knew she was being a brat, but honestly; they’d built a whole reputation on being unapologetically queer and underground, and now they were associating themselves with a band like Atomic Kittens, who were the very opposite of everything they stood for. It was all so colossally fucked up.

“Hey, can I talk to you for a second?” Fiona asked a few minutes later, pulling Dani aside while everyone settled in to talk setlists and venues. Dani rolled her eyes, but went willingly.

“Yes?” she asked, crossing her arms and leaning against the wall.

“Did I do something to you?” Fiona asked, and she looked so confused and hurt, Dani genuinely considered backing down for a second. There was something about someone that pretty looking that sad that always got her. But not this time. She couldn’t back down, not now. Fiona had to know where she stood.

“Look, I know you’re used to everyone around you worshipping the ground you walk on, but that’s not me. I don’t like you, or your music, and I’m not going to pretend I do just to make you feel better,” Dani said coolly, and she didn’t miss the flash of hurt that crossed Fiona’s face, before she steeled her expression into something much more closed off.

“Do you practice being that bitchy or does it just come naturally?” she asked icily.

“It’s a talent,” Dani replied with a sarcastic smile.

“Great. Well, can you at least try to be civil? Like it or not, we’re in each other’s lives now. You don’t have to like me, but you do have to respect me.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

With that Fiona stormed off, and the adrenaline from their confrontation wore off, leaving Dani with nothing but guilt. It wasn’t like her at all to be that catty, but Fiona had walked in with her perfect hair and makeup, and her perfect smile, and she’d just… snapped. Was there really any reason to be like that right off the bat? Well, either way, it’s not like she could start being nice now. Fiona had made it very clear that her disdain was mutual, and that was just fine with her.

Dani spent the rest of the week actively avoiding Fiona. She’d come out, rehearse, and then hide in her dressing room until she was sure Fiona was gone.

“Don’t you think you’re being a little ridiculous?” Dodie asked. They were on their twenty minute break and they were spending it how they always spent their free time—eating snacks they’d taken from craft services, and playing video games.

“I’m protesting,” Dani said, using her blue shell to get ahead.

“Hey! And you’re not protesting, you’re throwing a fit because of your own preconceived notions. You don’t even know Fiona,” Dodie pointed out, not looking away from the screen.

“Whose side are you on here?” Dani asked, instead of acknowledging that maybe Dodie had a bit of a point.

“Dani, you’re my best friend. Which means I’m always on your side. It also means I can tell you when you’re being an idiot,” Dodie replied, pulling into first place and then giving Dani one of her ‘I’m right and you know it’ looks.

“A double betrayal. That hurts,” Dani said, dramatically draping herself over Dodie’s lap, and hugging her controller to her chest.

“Just think about it, okay? It couldn’t hurt to be a little nicer. We’re all gonna be in pretty close quarters for the next few months, and it would make it so much easier on me if you didn’t spend the entire time being a brat,” Dodie said, reaching down to push Dani’s curls out of her face.

“Hey, don’t touch the hair!” Dani replied, swatting Dodie’s hand away.

“Not until you promise to play nice,” Dodie singsonged, continuing to ruin the perfect, ruffled look Dani had spent all morning on.

“Fine, fine, I’ll play nice,” Dani conceded, and Dodie grinned smugly.

“Thought so.”

Sleeping on a tour bus was torture. Once she was asleep, Dani was dead to the world, but it was getting there that was the hard part. She just stayed up in her bunk, worrying about all the things that could go wrong. Eventually, she got tired of being alone with her thoughts and climbed down out of bed to go grab a water bottle. She was carefully manoeuvring herself into the main part of the bus when she noticed someone was already sitting out there.  

“Jade?” she asked, turning her attention towards the couch.

“Sorry to disappoint, but no,” Fiona answered, looking over at her, and Dani could tell she’d been crying. Immediately, she wanted to turn around and pretend she hadn’t seen her, but girl tears were kind of her kryptonite.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, walking over.

“What, so you can have more ammo to make fun of me with?” Fiona asked, crossing her arms, and looking down.

“I’m genuinely asking. I would never kick someone while they were down. Besides, my therapist is always going on about how unhealthy it is to bottle this kind of stuff up,” Dani replied, and Fiona sighed, putting her head in her hands.

“I miss home, and my family, and I’m motion sick on top of it all.”

“Well, I can’t help with the first thing, but I do know a good cure for motion sickness. Come on,” Dani said holding her hand out.

“Really?” Fiona asked, looking up skeptically.

“Me being nice is gonna expire eventually, better take advantage,” Dani reiterated, and, still looking apprehensive, Fiona took her hand.

“Hey, Bill, can we sit up here with you?” Dani asked, once they reached the front of the bus where the driver's seat was.

“Of course. It’s a good view,” Bill replied. Dani had spent more than a few nights sitting up at the front of the bus with Bill instead of sleeping. Listening to him talk about his home and how much he loved his wife and kids always took her mind off of whatever was keeping her up.

Dani sat down on the floor of the bus next to the driver's seat, and patted the space next to her.

“Just keep looking straight ahead, I promise it’ll help,” she told Fiona, who after hesitating, sat down.

“Thanks.”

“For what?” Dani asked, looking over at her.

“Being nice to me,” Fiona said, shrugging.

“Yeah, well don’t get used to it,” Dani replied, looking away. It was unreal, how even when the only light coming in was from harsh streetlights, Fiona was still gorgeous. She had her hair pulled up in a messy bun, instead of having it down the way she usually did, and Dani really wished she could stop herself from stealing glances at her.

“Why are you up, anyway?” Fiona asked, snapping her out of her thoughts.

“Oh, you know, anxiety induced insomnia,” Dani replied shrugging.

“Oh… Sorry,” Fiona said in the way people always do when they’re not used to hearing people talk that openly about their mental health.

“It’s fine, I’m fine. Really,” Dani assured her, shrugging. It wasn’t anything new, and it wasn’t anything she couldn’t get through.

“She’s been up here the last three nights in a row. Maybe you can get her to talk,” Bill broke in, and Dani had nearly forgotten he was there.

“Wait, seriously?” Fiona asked, looking over at her.

“Hey, we’re not here to talk about me. Are you feeling better?” Dani asked, and Bill laughed.

“She’s really good at deflecting, don’t fall for it.”

“I won’t,” Fiona replied, laughing too.

“I feel like I’m being ganged up on here,” Dani said, crossing her arms, but she couldn’t help but smile a little.

“Well, I know we’re not exactly best friends, but how about a truce? Whenever something is really wrong with one of us, we’ll put that aside and talk about it,” Fiona offered, and Dani found herself completely taken aback by how kind and generous that was of her.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. We’ll call a truce,” she agreed after a while, and what surprised her even more was that she meant it.

Things were different between them after that night. Whenever Dani couldn’t sleep, she found herself staying up with Fiona. Sometimes they talked, sometimes they watched movies-Fiona was appalled when she’d heard Dani had never actually seen Home Alone, and this led to an entire Christmas movie marathon. Fiona was actually a really fun person to watch movies with, and one of very few people who didn’t mind Dani’s need to immediately discuss all of her feelings about whatever they’d just watched. So when Dani was wandering around one of their venues, and heard Fiona singing a song she didn’t recognize in her dressing room, she didn’t hesitate to walk over and listen for a little while.

“What song is that?” she asked, leaning in the doorway, after Fiona had stopped singing.

“Oh, it’s just something I’ve been working on,” Fiona shrugged, putting her guitar down.

“Why don’t you make more music like that? It’s beautiful, it’s about real problems, it’s not-”

“Bubblegum?” Fiona broke in cooly, and Dani flinched. Okay, she kind of deserved that one.

“I wasn’t gonna say that.”

“Yeah, you were. You’ve been condescending about the kind of music I make since the day I met you. But here’s the thing: I like the music I make. It makes people happy, it makes them want to dance. Maybe it’s not ‘changing the world’ or whatever, but it doesn’t have to.”

“I didn’t mean anything by that. I just think it sends a message to young girls that-” Dani started to explain, but Fiona cut her off.

“See, there you go again! How is me being myself sending a bad message?”

“I never said that! I would never shame someone for the way they choose to express themselves,” Dani argued, and Fiona rolled her eyes.

“Are you actually kidding me right now? All you’ve ever done is shame me for the way I choose to express myself—my music, the way I dress, the way I wear my hair. You seem to have gotten it into your head that I wake up every morning and go, ‘huh, how can I exist for men’s entertainment today,’ which is honestly laughable for so many reasons,” she replied, and a realization hit Dani like a bucket of ice water. She was being a complete hypocrite. Here she was, priding herself on spreading the message that there was no one right way to be a woman, and she’d been doing nothing but looking down on Fiona for just being herself. How backwards was that?

“I guess I just grew up being inundated with this idea of what a woman is supposed to be, and so the minute I could I rebelled against it, and started to resent everything that didn’t,” Dani explained. It maybe wasn’t the most rational thought process in this world, but she’d spent so much of her life being put down by exactly the kind of person Fiona was, she immediately jumped on the defensive without considering that maybe everyone wasn’t out to get her.

“I get that. But you know, infighting only makes the oppressor stronger,” Fiona pointed out, and Dani just stared at her, speechless.

“What, you think I don’t know anything because I make cheesy love songs?” she asked, picking her guitar back up, and strumming at it lazily.

“I never said your songs were cheesy,” Dani muttered, looking down.

“Just vapid, shallow, asinine, and meaningless,” Fiona listed off pointedly, and Dani flinched with each word.

“I’ve been a jerk, huh?” she asked. Just because Fiona made music that was different than hers didn’t mean that the kind of music Fiona made was bad. And besides, Fiona was one of the best live vocalists she’d ever heard. She could learn a lot from her if she let herself.

“Yeah, a little,” Fiona replied laughing. “But I forgive you.”

“You don’t have to, you know. I was being unfair, and judgey, and I get it if you don’t really want to.”

“I want to. Life is easier that way. Besides, who could stay mad at a face like that?” Fiona asked, smiling up at her, and Dani was actually going to melt into a puddle right then and there. This was bad. This was very bad. She had to get out of there now.

“Oh. Well. Thanks. I should—I’ve got—um… I’m gonna go now,” she rambled, inwardly cursing herself for being the least articulate person in the world.

“Okay, weirdo. I’ll see you later,” Fiona said laughing, and Dani spun around so fast she almost hit her head on the doorframe.

Dani sat at the piano in her dressing room, playing random chords, and humming to herself. It had been a surprise when they’d gotten to the venue and she’d nearly tripped on it, but she was glad it was here. She’d had this melody stuck in her head ever since their last show, but she didn’t know what to do with it. She was so engrossed in playing, she almost didn’t notice when Fiona sat down next to her.

“Hey,” Fiona said softly, startling her back into reality.

“Oh! Hey,” Dani said, turning to her. Fiona was wearing a dress with R2D2 on it, and smiling at Dani softly, and she really was so gorgeous it hurt.

“What’re you working on?” Fiona asked, completely oblivious to the mini crisis Dani was having.

“I don’t really know yet. This melody just popped into my head,” Dani explained, before playing it.

“That’s really pretty. I’ve always wanted to try songwriting,” Fiona said, tapping a few random keys on the keyboard.

“What about that song you were singing the other day?”

“Oh, that’s not… That doesn’t count. I was just messing around,” Fiona said, looking down sheepishly.

“All songs start out as messing around. I can help you write one. I mean, if you want,” Dani offered, before she could think better of it. What was she doing? Spending more time with Fiona was nothing but a recipe for disaster.

“Really?” Fiona asked, smiling at her excitedly.

“Really.”

“You’re the best, thanks Dani,” Fiona said, hugging her. It was a bit of an awkward angle, considering they were sitting on a piano bench, but Fiona smelled like vanilla and honey, and honestly, Dani could’ve stayed like that forever.

“I’m in trouble,” Dani announced, throwing herself down on the hotel bed dramatically.

“Trouble how? Do we need to set up an alibi?” Dodie asked, from where she was sitting on the floor next to her bed, playing her guitar.

“I may actually be like... really into Fiona,” Dani admitted, rolling over so she was staring at the ceiling.

“Oh, that kind of trouble,” Dodie said smirking, and then started to sing.

She could be the one, she could be the one

“Are you actually singing a Hannah Montana song to me right now? In this time of crisis,” Dani asked, glaring over at her best friend, but Dodie remained unfazed.

“You never should’ve told me about your Hannah obsession,” she teased, continuing to sing He Could Be the One and changing all the pronouns.

“I was twelve!”

“Okay, okay, sorry. If you like Fiona, why don’t you just tell her?” Dodie asked, setting her guitar down next to her.

“Because she’s straight? Because I spent a really long time being unnecessarily mean to her, so even if she did like girls, she’d never be into me now,” Dani listed off, and then groaned. This was awful. She was gonna spend the rest of tour looking like a lovesick puppy. She was pathetic, and breaking every rule she’d set up to protect herself.

“One, how do you know she’s straight? She’s never had a public relationship, and you’ve never asked. And two, you’ve apologized for that, and she’s forgiven you. I think you’re making up excuses not to put yourself out there,” Dodie said, and Dani really, really hated it when she was right.

“It wouldn’t be worth it though, right? I mean, we’re on tour for another month, and we just became friends. How would I face her every day?” Dani asked, sitting up, and Dodie crawled up on the bed to sit next to her.

“You’d take a deep breath, and be a professional about it. But you’ll never know unless you go for it.”

“Okay, what if you’re right? What if I ask her out, and she says yes? She’s never had a public relationship. What would that mean for me, dating someone that’s closeted? I’d be hiding a part of myself, and I decided a very long time ago that’s not something I’m comfortable doing. I’ve built a whole career on being out and proud, and people have responded to that. I love it when people come up to me, and tell me I gave them the courage to come out. What would I even say to them if I was in a closeted relationship?”

“Okay, now you’re just getting ahead of yourself,” Dodie said, and Dani glared at her.

“I’m being serious.”

“Dani, you are one of the strongest women I know. The worst thing that could happen is she says no, and if she does, we’ll write a really good song about it. And if she says yes, but wants to hide it, well… you can cross that bridge when you get to it. Either way, you’ll get through this,” Dodie said, wrapping an arm around her comfortingly.

“Since when are you the wise level-headed one?” Dani asked teasingly resting her head on Dodie’s shoulder, but she was more than grateful to have a friend like her.

“First time for everything I guess. Come on, let’s go find Sam’s room and see how fast we can get into the minibar,” Dodie suggested, squeezing her arm.

“Now that is a brilliant idea.” 

“So what’s your process?” Fiona asked a few days later. They were sitting at the piano onstage during one of their rare days off. It had taken some convincing, but the owner of the venue had let them in a day early so that they could use it. They could’ve just used Dani’s digital keyboard, but those were really only meant for one person. And, plus, Dani kind of liked the way they had to squeeze together on the piano bench.

“My process?” Dani repeated teasingly, and Fiona rolled her eyes.

“Shut up, you know what I mean. How do you start writing?”

“I don’t know, really. A melody comes to me, or something happens and I need to write about it, or I see an image I want to capture, and then I just… mess around on the piano for a few hours,” Dani explained, shrugging.

“Helpful. So, how’d you come up with Flowers in Your Hair ?” Fiona asked, hitting a random note on the piano.

“That’s the song you wanna know about? The one with the single most embarrassing origin story?” Dani asked, and Fiona bounced up and down excitedly.

“Now you have to tell me.”

“I wrote it to impress a girl,” Dani muttered, looking down. She’d met Violet when they both went to pick up the same It Was Romance album at a music store, and it was instant fireworks. She used to go back to that store an embarrassing amount of times a week to see if she could run into her, and eventually Violet got tired of waiting and asked her out first.

“Oh my God! That’s amazing. Did it work?” Fiona asked excitedly, and Dani laughed.

“For a little while,” she replied, shrugging. One day, without warning, Violet called her to tell her she reminded her too much of her ex, and she just couldn’t stay with someone like that.

“Oh. Sorry. We don’t have to talk about it if it’s sad,” Fiona said, placing a hand on her shoulder gently.

“It’s not. Well, it used to be, but that was a long time ago, I’m beyond over it now, and she’s married,” Dani said, waving it off.

“Whoa, really?”

“Yup.”

“I wish I could do that,” Fiona said wistfully.

“What, get brutally dumped?”

“No, I mean, I’d never have the courage to do what you do,” Fiona explained, and Dani braced herself to hear how brave it was of her to be out, and even when people meant well, it still felt kind of condescending.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“To write about loving women the way you do. It’s beautiful, I’ve never heard anyone capture that feeling so well.”

“...Oh,” Dani replied, completely taken aback. Was Fiona… coming out to her right now?

“Don’t look so shocked! I’ve been flirting with you for weeks,” Fiona said, bumping their shoulders together.

“You’ve been what?” Dani asked, turning to her. This was too much information at once, she was going to short-circuit.

“Come on, someone promised me they’d help me write a song,” Fiona said, turning back to the piano.

“Right, the song. So I was thinking it could start out like this,” Dani said, playing a few notes.

“Oh, that’s pretty. Play it again, I think I’ve got something,” Fiona said, and Dani nodded. She started to play again, and Fiona started to sing.

“Wow,” Dani said after she’d finished singing.

“It’s good?” Fiona asked hopefully.

“It’s more than good, it’s incredible,” Dani told her, and Fiona looked down, her entire face turning bright red.

They spent the rest of the day working on the song, and by the time they were finished with it, they were tired, and their voices were hoarse, but Dani had never been more proud to be a part of something.

“Thank you. For doing this for me,” Fiona said, smiling over at her.

“Of course. I had a lot of fun writing with you,” Dani replied, smiling back at her, and it dawned on her just how close they were sitting. She could see the roots in Fiona’s hair where the dye was fading, and the flecks of green and gold in her already stunning blue eyes.

“Look, Fiona, I-”

“Yes?” Fiona asked, and they were so close, Dani wanted nothing more but to close the gap between them, but she couldn’t possibly do that... Could she?

“Fiona! What are you still doing here? You were supposed to be in hair and makeup twenty minutes ago,” Diane called, and the two of them jumped apart.

“I’d better go. Thank you again for this,” Fiona said, standing up.

“Anytime,” Dani replied, and Fiona waved, before following Diane out of the room.

“What the fuck am I doing?” Dani muttered to herself as she watched them walk away.

It was their last show. Dani couldn’t believe it. All those months on the road, waking up in a different place every morning, and it was all coming to an end. She was sitting in her dressing room absentmindedly hitting notes on her keyboard when Fiona walked in.

“End of tour blues?” she asked, sitting on the couch next to her.

“You get those too?” Dani asked, surprised. She’d figured Fiona would be overjoyed—now that tour was over, she could go home and see her family. Dani had talked to them a few times while Fiona was skyping them, and she could tell they missed her as much as she missed them.

“I think everyone does. For months, you have this purpose. You get up every morning, and it’s like, okay, today I’ve been put on this planet to entertain people. And those people come up to you, and tell you how much your music means to them, and it all feels so tangible. You don’t get any of that in the recording studio,” Fiona explained, sitting down next to her.

“Wow, that’s… That’s exactly how I feel about it too,” Dani replied, in awe. Fiona just kept finding ways to surprise her.

“I want you to perform with me tonight,” Fiona blurted out, and Dani couldn’t believe it. Her, perform with Fiona? They’d had a ton of fun writing together, but she never in a million years thought Fiona would want to full out perform with her.

“What?”

“Our song. I want to perform it. Diane would never let me release it formally—something about alienating listeners. But I think it’s amazing, and I’m so proud of it, and I want everyone to hear it,” Fiona told her, and if Dani was a cartoon, there’d definitely be hearts floating around her head right now.  

“You’re amazing,” she blurted out without thinking, and Fiona blushed, and smiled, tucking her hair behind her ear.

“So you’ll do it?”

“Yes, of course,” Dani told her, because there was no way she could say no to Fiona when she looked at her like that.

“You’re the best,” Fiona said, hugging her.

“That’s me,” Dani answered, hugging back.

Fiona pulled away, and smiled at her again, before standing up.

“This is gonna be our best show ever. I can’t wait,” she said, clapping her hands the way she always did when she was excited. It was strange the things you started to notice about a person once you’d been around long enough. Like how Fiona was almost always wearing glasses unless she was onstage, or her extensive collection of thigh highs with silly patterns on them, or how she loved pizza, but had been completely offended when Dani offered her a grilled cheese one day on the bus. She was weird and endearing, and she cried when fans brought her pictures of their dogs, and Dani fell harder for her every day.

Dani also couldn’t stop thinking about what Fiona had said, about having been flirting with her for weeks. She hadn’t brought it up again after that, and Dani was way too nervous to say anything. What would she say anyway? Hey, sorry for taking out my internalized misogyny on you, wanna go out? Something about that seemed so wrong.

“What are you so deep in thought about?” Dodie asked, walking in.

“I really gotta start closing my dressing room door,” Dani sighed, looking up.

“Come on, I know your overthinking face. Spill, what’s going on with you?”

“It’s Fiona—she kind of came out to me,” Dani admitted, looking down at her hands. Something about saying it out loud made it even more real, and she absolutely did not know how to handle this.

“Well, isn’t that great news? Now you can ask her out,” Dodie squealed, shaking her excitedly.

“Just cause she’s into girls doesn’t mean she’s into me,” Dani pointed out, and Dodie rolled her eyes.

“Dani, the only way you’d know if a girl was into you is if she held up a giant sign that said DANI I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU, and you’d probably still ask me what it meant.”

“I guess I can be kind of clueless, huh?”

“Yes. Look, Fiona trusted you enough to tell you something that deep and personal about herself. I think that means you’re good enough friends now that even if she does say no, it’ll be okay,” Dodie reassured her, wrapping an arm around her comfortingly.

“And if it’s not?” Dani asked in a small voice.

“I’ll be here for you,” Dodie told her, and it was good to know that no matter what happened, she’d always have her best friend.

When the lights came up that night, it was unlike any other performance. Tonight was gonna be different, Dani could feel it. They played their set, and the audience was a little bored at first, most of them just wanting this to be over so Atomic Kittens could come on. Dani remembered that feeling, the anticipation of seeing your favorite band, and having to sit through artists you sometimes didn’t even recognize at first. But eventually, the crowd warmed up to them, cheering and singing the choruses back to them.

“What a good crowd!” Sam said excitedly, once they were backstage, but Dani barely heard her. Fiona was walking over, dressed in her outfit for the show—a denim dress over a crop top, and of course a pair of thigh highs. These ones had dinosaurs on them, and Dani really wished she’d stop getting more perfect every time she saw her. She leaned in close to Dani so she could hear her over the music.

“Are you ready?”

“Of course,” Dani replied, once she found her voice. She didn’t know how much longer she could handle being this close in proximity.

“I’m so nervous, but also more excited than I’ve ever been about a performance,” Fiona told her, and she was usually only this jittery if she’d had too much coffee.

“You’re gonna be incredible,” Dani told her, and Fiona gave her a smile that could make flowers grow.

“Thanks. I’ll see you out there?”

“You know it.” Fiona gave her a quick hug, and then headed for the stage.

Dani wandered about backstage having snacks and scrolling through twitter on her phone, and before she knew it, she heard her cue.

“Do you guys wanna hear something new?” Fiona was asking the crowd, and they were cheering so loud, Dani almost didn’t hear what she said next.

“I wrote this song with someone very special to me, so I think it’s only fair she come out and perform it with me.”

Dani steeled herself, and walked out onto the stage.

“Please welcome back Dani Howell, lead singer of the Violent Femmes,” Fiona announced, and Dani waved to the audience.

“Thank you. For everything,” Fiona said hugging her, and Dani hugged back, before going to take her seat at the piano. She started playing, and Fiona sat down on top of the piano before starting to sing.

Performing with Fiona was unlike anything Dani had ever done. They played off of each other so well, and their voices sounded so good together. Dani felt like she was floating—she always had fun performing, but this was something else entirely. When they finished the song, she could see Fiona tearing up a little.

“That song is about the first girl I fell in love with, and I’m so glad I got to share something so meaningful with all of you. I uh, hope that you’ll keep support-” the crowd burst into the loudest cheering Dani had ever heard, drowning out the rest of Fiona’s words. People were standing, and a chant of “We love you, Fiona” had started up. It was all so wonderful, it made Dani feel a little teary eyed herself. She stood up, walked center stage, and waved for Fiona to come over. Fiona walked over, and she took her hand so they could bow. Then she moved aside so Fiona could have her moment. She deserved it.

Dani was glad this had all gone so well, and honored to have been a part of it. She was about to walk offstage when Fiona turned to her. Fiona held out her hand, and Dani took it, finding herself center stage again.

“I couldn’t have done this without you,” Fiona said, and her mic was on, so Dani knew everyone could hear, but it felt like it was just them. She shrugged, getting ready to wave it off—of course Fiona would’ve been able to do this all on her own.

But before she could formulate a response, Fiona was kissing her. Her lipstick was sticky, and it tasted like strawberries, and her hands were holding Dani’s face so gently, she never wanted it to end. Dani put her arms around Fiona’s waist and pulled her closer, but all too soon she was pulling away. Fiona smiled at her, and looked over at the crowd. Right, she still had a show to put on. Dani nodded, and kissed her one last time, before waving to the crowd and leaving the stage.

Once the adrenaline of everything that had just happened wore off, Dani found herself completely in shock. Fiona had just kissed her. On stage. In front of everyone.

“Dude! What just happened?” Dodie asked when she got back to the dressing room.

“I kissed Fiona,” Dani replied, still in shock.

“Well, yeah—I’ve seen twenty different videos of that. But like, what does it mean?”

“I don’t know,” Dani replied. There could’ve been a thousand reasons why Fiona kissed her—they were on stage, they’d just sang a really intimate song, she could’ve just been caught up in the moment. Or maybe she just wanted to make the message of the song clear.

“Dani, come back to me. It’s gonna be okay. Just talk to her while she’s on her break,” Dodie suggested, and Dani nodded. It wouldn’t help anything to just sit around thinking up worse case scenarios. The only way to know what Fiona was thinking was to talk to her.

It felt like forever before Fiona came down to the dressing room during her break.

“Hey,” she said, hovering in the doorway.

“Hey,” Dani said back, and Dodie rolled her eyes, stood up, and pulled Fiona to the couch where Dani was sitting.

“You two are gonna talk about this now.”

“Uh, Dodie?” Dani asked after she hadn’t moved from standing in front of them.

“Oh! Right. I’ll be around if you need me,” she replied, closing the door behind her.

“So…” Dani started to say, but Fiona launched into a full ramble, cutting her off.

“I’m so sorry. It was all so much, and I like you so much, and I just got caught up in the moment. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way, it’s more important to me that-”

“Fi, slow down,” Dani broke in, laughing.

“What’s funny?” Fiona asked, and she sounded so hurt and confused, Dani stopped laughing immediately.

“Sorry, sorry, I just. I can’t believe you think there’s any chance I’m not crazy about you,” she explained, and Fiona smiled in the way only she could, that lit up her entire face.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“So… now what?” Fiona asked, looking far more nervous than she needed to be.

“Well, generally, I like to take a girl out before kissing her in front of a huge crowd of people,” Dani replied, and Fiona laughed.

“So, a date is in order then?” she asked, but before she could answer there was a knock at the door.

“Fiona, five minute warning!” Diane called.

“I’d better go. We’ll uh, continue this later?” Fiona asked, standing up.

“Of course,” Dani said, smiling up at her. Fiona smiled back, and they probably looked ridiculous, standing there staring at each other, but Dani was too hopelessly endeared to care. Her heart felt like it was beating out of her chest.

“Fi. Go,” Dani said laughing, and Fiona turned bright red.

“Right. Going. See you soon,” she said waving, and leaving the room, and Dani lay back on the couch, completely overwhelmed. She couldn’t believe anything that had happened that night.

“So, I take it that went well?” Dodie asked, walking back into the room.

“I feel like I’m floating,” Dani sighed, grinning over at her.

“I haven’t seen you like this in a really long time,” Dodie said, perching on the arm of the couch, and Dani laughed.

“Yeah, I can’t remember the last time I felt like this either.”

“I’m happy for you,” Dodie told her, reaching down to ruffle her hair.

“Hey! Stop it,” Dani laughed, shoving her hand away. But she was happy too. It was quite possible that this was the happiest she'd ever been.

Six Months Later

“Are you sure about this?” Dani asked, standing behind her girlfriend in front of the mirror at her favorite hair salon.

“For the thousandth time, yes,” Fiona replied, laughing. “It’s time for a change.”

“I just don’t want you to feel like you have to, to like, prove something. You’re not any less gay because you have long hair,” Dani told her, and Fiona rolled her eyes fondly.

“Well, thank you, but it’s not like that. I’ve spent so long being what I thought other people wanted me to be, and I feel like a lot of that’s been tied to the way I keep my hair. Do you know my hair looks the same on every single one of our album covers?”

“Well, yeah, but if that’s the way you like it-” Dani started to say, but Fiona cut her off.

“That’s the thing! I don’t know if that’s the way I like it. I was just scared if I changed it, no one was gonna want to listen to our music, or come see me at shows. And I already took a huge risk by coming out the way I did, and that’s only made my fanbase stronger. This is something I need to do for me,” Fiona told her, and Dani had never been more in love.  

“I love you. So much,” she said, wrapping her arms around her, and Fiona smiled at their reflection in the mirror.

“I love you too, weirdo. Can I get my haircut now?” Fiona asked, spinning around in her arms.

“If you two are done over there, I’m ready for you know,” Jessie, Dani’s usual hairdresser broke in, and Fiona nodded.

“Wish me luck,” Fiona called, following Jessie over to her station.

Dani sat in the waiting area playing games on her phone until Fiona was finished.

“So, what do you think?” Fiona asked, walking back over about an hour later. Dani looked up, and almost dropped her phone. Fiona’s hair was now in a mixed length pixie cut with one of the sides shaved, and she was smiling at Dani in the way only she could. Dani stood up, and leaned in close.

“I think we should go home immediately so I can show you exactly how amazing I think you look right now,” she said lowly, and Fiona blushed and smiled at her that way only she could.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“I’m gonna go tip Jessie, and then I’m gonna hold you to that,” Fiona said, and Dani watched her walk away, feeling more than lucky that she got to be with someone as talented, and fun, and beautiful, and perfectly suited for her as Fiona was. She didn’t know what the future held for them, but the one thing she did know was that she wanted Fiona in her life for as long as she would have her.

[makistar2018]

The Economics of Taylor Swift's 'ME!' and Music Videos In the Digital Age

5/13/2019 by Steve Knopper

Sources estimate Swift's big comeback visual cost seven figures to make.

The hissing snake exploding into butterflies, the dozens of dancers in pastel-colored suits, Brendon Urie floating through the sky with an umbrella -- none of these effects in Taylor Swift's "ME!" video were cheap. Music-industry sources estimated its budget in the seven figures. figures. But thanks to the new music-video economy, Swift’s label, Republic, could make up that money over the next few months; the video has been streamed 162 million times so far on YouTube, which, according to one source, means $150,000 to $250,000 in label revenue.

"I don't think they were penny-pinching on that one," says Bob McLynn, manager of Urie's band Panic! At the Disco, adding that he has no knowledge of Swift's video costs.

Labels are shelling out as much as ever on certain videos, in part because they now generate advertising revenue on their own -- compared to MTV, which famously paid nothing. But whether the videos generate more money for artists and labels overall is a tricky calculation, since fans who view a certain video for free on YouTube may then be less likely to stream the song on a more lucrative paid service such as Spotify or Apple Music.

In the MTV era, big-budget videos were almost always worth the financial risk for major stars, since heavy rotation meant a smash hit and lucrative CD sales. Today, these kinds of videos come out 10 to 30 times per year, estimates JP Evangelista, senior vp of content, programming and marketing for Vevo. "ME!" has been streamed on Vevo more than 100 million times in its first week, generating roughly $90,000 to $150,000 in revenue for Universal-owned Republic, sources say.

YouTube pays out roughly $1.50 for every 1,000 views, according to data released by the RIAA in 2017 -- significantly less in royalties than either Apple Music or Spotify, which emphasize audio tracks, not videos. By those calculations, $190,000 would have gone to Swift for the 127 million views of "ME!" as of early May, and nearly $550,000 to Ariana Grande for her 365 million views of "thank u, next." (Lyor Cohen, YouTube’s global head of music and a former longtime label executive, estimated revenue at roughly twice that, but the revenue depends on many variables, like overseas income and whether an artist agrees to certain kinds of ads.)

For non-superstars, though, music videos are simply costly promotional tools. "The money you earn on visual content doesn't match up with the money you put into it, by and large," says John Fleckenstein, RCA Records' co-president. "There's a monetization aspect to it, but it isn't like, 'We should make five videos because we're going to make a boatload of money.'"

Music-video costs range from $2,500 (for an indie-label project) to $700,000 or more (for a pop superstar like Swift, Grande or Drake). Vince Staples' 2018 video for "FUN!" cost roughly $200,000, says his manager, Corey Smyth, although it has just 3.7 million YouTube views. "It's worth it," he says. "They're all calling cards. You don't know what's going to hit and what's going to go viral." Country stars spend $30,000 to $250,000 per video, according to Erica Rosa, royalties director for Nashville business-management firm Flood, Bumstead, McCready and McCarthy. "I saw one in the pop world that was around $850,000," she says. "I almost fell out of my chair."

Dave Meyers, who co-directed "ME!," once said his typical video budget in the late '90s, the end of the MTV era, was $1 million. (Neither he nor Swit's reps was available for comment.)

Labels generally front the money for videos, although artists are frequently charged for the expense until they make enough in royalties to recoup the costs. If artists believe in high-cost projects, they occasionally add their own funds beyond their labels' expense ceiling. "Videos are as important as they've ever been," says McLynn, who manages Sia and Fall Out Boy and has made videos from $10,000 to $200,000. "When you're rolling out a bigger artist, you want to double down -- you want to make sure you have everything you need, so you up the budget."

Music and video execs say the idea is the most important factor in determining whether to green-light a big-budget video. Beggars Group put up funding for FKA twigs' new "Cellophane," depicting the singer floating through the air with a winged dragon and has 3.3 million YouTube views. "That video has to exist in order to fully kick off the project," says Gabe Spierer, the indie label's vp of content and strategy. "It's an example that justifies big spending on a video."

"The artist's vision is usually paramount," Fleckenstein says. "Some artists have extremely specific views they want to get across that can be elaborate and difficult to produce and therefore can become expensive." Adds Lyor Cohen, a top label exec in the MTV era who is now YouTube's global head of music: "When you're void of great ideas, you try to blow up Rolls-Royces for production value. But when an artist and the label work hard to come up with a great concept and execute it, that's the real ingredient of video success."

Labels often calculate potential YouTube revenue when creating video budgets, then work backwards to figure out how much they can spend. "It does allow them to feel more comfortable commissioning higher-cost videos, knowing there'll be some return on their investment," says Vevo's Evangelista. But few videos are hits: "The cost-benefit analysis is about controlling for the likely reality that [the video] is a relative footnote -- unfortunately," Spierer says.

In the old days of MTV and CDs, just about every major artist had to make an expensive video to launch a new single. After Napster and file-sharing forced labels to slash their promotional budgets, according to Smyth, spending dropped to $15,000-20,000 per video; now that streaming has returned growth to the business, he says, "We're in a middle ground."

While MTV-era directors such as Hype Williams and Spike Jonze could focus exclusively on music videos, at least until they broke into feature films, today's directors have to supplement their income with non-music projects. New York duo BRTHR has directed videos for Travis Scott, the Weeknd, Charli XCX and Lil Pump, but, says the team's Kyle Wightman, "To even survive, we have to be doing commercials." Adds Alex Lee, his partner: "The money we make from music videos is honestly nothing. It's about 15 percent of what we make [from commercials]."

Although Specter Berlin recently directed Rammstein's over-the-top "Deutschland" video, which is packed with lasers, period costumes and elaborate, controversial scenes depicting the holocaust, he's frustrated labels won't spend more money in a time of big-budget Netflix and HBO projects. "It's a great time for music videos and there's no reason why the budgets are not going up," he says. "It's convenient for the music industry to say, 'Hey, this is a young artist shooting a music video and we only have $20,000.' If everybody does proper work, nobody's going to make anything." Adds Tony Yacenda, who directs videos for comedian-rapper Lil Dicky, including recent charity single "Earth" and 2017's "Pillow Talking," which reportedly cost $700,000: "Nobody views it as the endgame. [Videos] allow you to create something fun to watch that shows you have style and a voice -- but it's not going to be your payday."

Swift's "ME!" is one of the big-budget exceptions. "I don't think you should spend $500 grand on something you think is going to come and go -- that's for a certain type of artist," says Smyth, Staples' manager. "Taylor Swift was almost in Tron. Her glam is probably my budget."

Billboard

[changingourdestiny]

About Rae

Thanks to @pretty-meekish​ for making this template! I’ll be doing these for all of the fanmade characters.

Guardians name: Raegalia Drakyx

Age: 6

Race: Paralian

Call signs/alias: Stasis Vanguard Rae

Pronouns: She/Her

Class: Warlock

Preferred subclass(es): Dawnblade and Shadebinder

Ghost's name: Ghost/Little Light

Their Vanguard: Ikora Rey

Fireteam name: Paralight

Fireteam teammates: Blaze, Adam, Marcia, Tif, Crow

Favorite legendary weapon: Misfit

Favorite exotic weapon: Lumina

Favorite exotic armor: Sunbracers

Favorite ornament armor set: Northlight Set

Favorite weapon ornament:  Shot Through the Heart (The Vow)

What stats do they focus on: Intellect and Discipline

Are they offense, defense, or support: Offense and support

Do they prefer being close, mid, or long range: Mid and long range

Do they lean more "Element of Surprise" or "Upfront and Aggressive": Element of Surprise

Strikes, Gambit, or Crucible: Strikes and Crucible.

Who was their mentor(if they had one. If it is a character you created, tell us about them!): Ikora Rey

Who are they mentoring(if they are. If it is a character you created, tell us about them!): The Crow

What ship do they have: A plum and gold Talon Blue she nicknamed Skylance

What is their Sparrow: A plum Wayfarer Zero with a gold trim nicknamed Dragon’s Reign

Favorite Ghost shell: Last City Shell

Favorite shader: Amethyst Bloom

Favorite color: Plum/pink

Favorite food: Tonkotsu ramen

Favorite piece of Pre-Collapse tech(if they've seen any): Video game consoles

Favorite Pre-Collapse music(if they've heard any): Video game OSTs

Favorite place in The Last City(if it's a place you created, give a little description!): The Bazaar

Favorite NPC(s): Cayde-6

Favorite patrol location: The Cosmodrome

5 things your Guardian likes(can be anything): - Ghost - The Dawning - Spending time with Cayde - Learning about Paralian history - Going a day without a disaster occurring or her Fireteam giving her a nervous breakdown

Least favorite food: Anything sour

Least favorite shader: Anything neon

Least favorite patrol location: The Moon

Least favorite Pre-Collapse tech(if they've seen any): None

Least favorite NPC(s): The Spider

Least favorite weapon ornament: Lucid Melody (Lumina)

Least favorite ornament armor set: Virtuous Set

Least favorite legendary weapon: Trust

Least favorite exotic weapon: Thorn

Least favorite exotic armor: Verity’s Brow

5 things your Guardian dislikes(this can be anything):  - Getting overly stressed - Hive - Not being listened to - Being lied to - Feeling powerless

Your Guardian has to rest. What is their living space like: A fairly neat apartment aside from a few books and report papers scattered across a desk. Overall, very cozy.

Does your Guardian have any casual wear?(Y'all remember Polyvore? The website URSTYLE works very similar if that helps!): 

What hobbies and/or skills does you Guardian have: Sketching

What would your Guardian's lore book be called: Walking the Line

Where was your Guardian reborn?(If you created the location, give us a little description!): The Cosmodrome

What were they wearing when they were reborn: Brown and gold robes with matching boots and metal plating

What was their reaction to being reborn: Confusion with a bit of fear

What was their reaction to their first rez: Confusion has been doubled but with an odd sense of relief

After being reborn, did they meet friendlies first or hostiles: Technically friendlies since she met Ghost first. But after that she encountered Fallen, so hostiles.

Who was the first other Guardian they met?(Same thing! If you made them, give a little description!): Cayde-6. He helped her up after she tripped down the stairs when first entering the Hall of Guardians.

Did your Guardian get reborn with, or find, any indication of their past life? If so what do they have/found: She had a journal written in strange glyphs except for the last page which was in English and briefly described who she was and what she was doing before her death

How did your Guardian get their name(if they didn't rez with past life momentos): Her name was engraved on the front of her journal: Raegalia Drakyx. She came up with Rae as a nickname

Going back to your Guardian's lore book, what would be some some quotes or passages from their book: “I find myself constantly thinking about this one line I tend to hear over and over. I first heard it from Uldren. ‘The line between Light and Dark is so very thin’. He asked me what side I was on. I finally have an answer now. I walk that line.”

Does your Guardian have a significant other: Cayde-6

Did your Guardian go explore first before going to The Last City? If so, where to: Nope. She and Ghost found a jumpship and went straight to the city

What was their reaction to first seeing The Last City: Awestruck. She thought the City was the most beautiful place she had ever seen

Is your Guardian a part of a clan: No

If your Guardian would have a quote as a flavor text for a weapon and/or piece of armor, what would they be: “Don’t view your power as a means of destruction. See it as a means of preserving life.”

If your Guardian has had any interactions with any civilians (The Last City/The Farm), Eliksni, Cabal, Vex, Hive, Taken, Scorn, Rouge Lightbearers, or Iron Lords/War Lords(if your Guardian is an Old Light) tell us about it!: Her first strange interaction was with Marcia in the Cosmodrome while prepping to enter the Black Garden. Back then, Marcia ran a group of rogue Lightbearers called the Umbrialyx and a few of them had been causing trouble for other Guardians. Marcia was the first rogue lightbearer Rae had ever met.

Does your Guardian have any unconventional allies or connections(By Vanguard standards): Rae and Fireteam Paralight are allies with the House of Light after she saved Mithrax from a Hive Knight on Titan and then met Tif, a human Titan who was also a Captain of House Light, a few years later when helping them secure a generator

How does your Guardian feel about themselves or others using Stasis: Rae understands the risks of using Stasis, which is why she suggested to Zavala that instead of outlawing Stasis, have her teach Guardians how to use it properly without risking corruption

Did they run The Last Wish raid? How did they react to seeing a live Ahamkara a.k.a Riven: Awe. She had heard of them beforehand and now to see one in person, she almost didn’t want to kill it.

Did they run The Deep Stone Crypt raid? How did they react to the Crypt and seeing Exo Eliskni: Disappointment. She had really hoped that no one would continue Clovis’s awful experiments. Seeing the Exo Eliksni just made her hate the House of Salvation even more.

Is your Guardian from D1? How did they react to seeing Taniks alive once again: Here’s a direct quote! “....TRAVELLER....D A M N  I T ! ! !”

Where did they go and what did they do during The Red War: Rae fell from Ghaul’s ship after losing her Light, gaining the scar over her eye in the process. A few months later, she regained her Light via the shard of the Traveler and led the revolt against Ghaul after reuniting the Vanguard.

Here are some characters that are either polarizing or have created a strong enough mass emotion within the community. What opinion does your Guardian hold on each of them(These are only a handful of characters!)>>>

Osiris, First Warlock Vanguard, originally exiled: Rae looks up to Osiris and admires his dedication to his work and beliefs. She definitely sees the similarities between him and Ikora. Despite the light ribbing she tends to give him (he calls him grumpy Tower grandpa), she respects him. Though she does wish he would ask Saint on a date already. “You broke time to save him, for Traveler’s sake, at least bring him out for dinner!”

Eris Morn, Bane of the Swarm: The first person she met when she arrived in the Tower. Rae respects Eris’s wisdom and knowledge as well as her determination. Though Rae does wish she’d tone down the Vanguard roasts a bit (her self-confidence is bad enough as it is).

Cayde-6, Sixth Hunter Vanguard: Rae loves Cayde with every ounce of her being and more. She’s had a crush on him since working with him during Oryx’s invasion but never acted upon it, despite her teammates constant teasing. Seeing him die in front of her tore her apart. Thankfully she able to save him thanks to her Paralian heritage, and confessed to him after she returned from the Reef. The two have been near inseparable since. Cayde’s nickname for her in Sunrae while her nickname for him is Wildcard.

Ikora Rey, Second Warlock Vanguard: Rae looks up to Ikora the most. She’s trained under Ikora since she was a Kinderguardian and has flourished since. A lot of Guardians who know Rae say she is a mini-Ikora, from her witty comebacks, to her terrifying demeanor when angered.

Commander Zavala, Second Titan Vanguard: Rae respects Zavala as a fellow Vanguard, commander, and friend, but she’s not shy to speak up if she feels that something isn’t right...or to go behind his back to do an unorthodox mission.

Saint-14, legendary Titan, First Titan Vanguard: If Osiris is the grumpy grandpa, Saint’s the fun grandpa. Rae enjoys Saint’s company and finds he brings an air of liveliness to the Tower since his return.

Lord Saladin, Iron Banner handler, One of the last remaining Iron Lords: Rae respects Saladin but wishes that, while she agrees it isn’t always the answer, he would give diplomacy a chance instead of assuming every enemy has to be killed.

Lord Shaxx, Crucible handler, Hero of Twilight Gap, living megaphone: Like Saint, Rae enjoys Shaxx’s company and hearing stories of Ikora’s Crucible days. Rae frequents the Crucible in hopes of one day beating Ikora’s kill streak record and Shaxx supports her endeavors (when Ikora isn’t listening of course). Though he does have a bet with Cayde as to who’d win in a 1v1 fight. Shaxx’s glimmer is on Ikora but only because Cayde already called dibs on Rae.

The Crow, New Light, Ex-Enforcer to The Spider: Despite the initial shock of seeing him again, Rae quickly warmed up to Crow and began helping him train his Light. She was more than happy to hear that he wanted to be a Guardian. He honestly reminded her of her Kinderguardian self: unsure, curious, and wanting to help.

The Spider, The Shore's Only Law, founder of "House" Spider: Rae trust’s Spider less than Drifter, and that’s saying something! She was wary of him during her first visit to the Tangled Shore, but after finding out what he did to Glint to keep Crow in the Reef, she was ready to risk the consequences and go ham on him. Rae is usually quite patient but Spider has tested those limits too many times.

Uldren Sov, Prince of the Reef, Master of Crows: Rae and Uldren didn’t like each other at all from the moment they met. But after Blaze regained the memories of her past life with Uldren, they agreed to tolerate each other for her sake. When he killed Cayde, Rae was ready to go to war with the Reef. She wanted to be the one to end him so badly but when he requested Blaze be the last one he saw, she put her hatred aside to grant his request, allowing Blaze to be the one to end him.

Mara Sov, Queen of the Reef, Queen of the Awoken, Ex-Kell of Wolves: Rae has mixed feelings about Mara. She has a certain level of respect for the Awoken queen but doesn’t agree with most of her ruling methods and, while she’ll never say it aloud, Rae sees her as a coward.

Variks, the Loyal, founder of House Judgement: When Variks isn’t trying to get his hands on Ghost or her ship, Rae respects Variks. While she does recognise that Variks had a hand in the Prison of Elders incident, she doesn’t hold him directly accountable for Cayde’s death.

Mithrax, the Forsaken, Kell of Light, founder of House Light: Rae views Mithrax as a powerful ally and friend. They have a mutual respect for each other and have helped each other on a couple of occasions.

The Exo Stranger/Elizabeth "Elsie" Bray, Granddaughter of Clovis I and Sister to Ana Bray: While Rae doesn’t know much about Elsie, she does trust her. She was the one who pointed Rae and her Fireteam towards the Black Garden and thus put them on their path to becoming one of the most well-known Fireteams in the Tower. Elsie was also the one who helped teach Rae how to use Stasis.

Eramis, of House Salvation, Kell of Darkness: Rae initially wanted to resolve the conflict with House Salvation peacefully but Eramis proved unwilling to listen and was the first to actually break the limit on Rae’s patience, the latter killing Eramis with no mercy.

Empress Caiatl of the Cabal Imperial Empire: While she finds Caiatl aggravating with her views and methods of ruling, Rae is relieved that she’s not as creepy as her father.

Taniks the Scarred, the Perfected, the Abomination, the Shadow Thief: “DIE ALREADY!!!”

The Darkness is fast approaching. How is your Guardian handling it: Rae is becoming more anxious about the Darkness’s arrival and is having self-doubts, but is keeping a brave face for everyone else’s sake.

And finally, does your Guardian have any advice for any New Lights: Be yourself, do what you think is right, and never give up!

[techcrunchappcom]

New Post has been published on https://techcrunchapp.com/nation-and-world-news-briefs-associated-press-2/

Nation and world news briefs | Associated Press

Washington Post launches campaign for release of Austin Tice, journalist missing in Syria

WASHINGTON — The Washington Post has launched a campaign calling for the safe release of Austin Tice, an American journalist who went missing covering the war in Syria in 2012.

The campaign asks members of the press, lawmakers and government officials to wear #FreeAustinTice bracelets to help raise awareness of Tice’s case.

The bracelets can be ordered through an online form by 3 p.m. ET on Wednesday, Dec. 9, the company said in a statement.

The Post’s Press Freedom Partnership, a public service initiative that promotes press freedom worldwide, announced the campaign Monday. “We hope that by giving Austin’s case a more visible presence, we’ll see movement on his return,” said Fred Ryan, publisher and CEO of The Washington Post.

Tice, who was 31 when he was captured, was born in Texas, and he served as an officer of the United States Marine Corps.

He was a student at Georgetown Law School in 2012 when he traveled to Syria as a freelance journalist for McClatchy and other news organizations.

In August 2012, he was south of Damascus, writing his final stories and planning to leave for Lebanon. He got into a car in Darayya, a Damascus suburb, and was detained at a checkpoint. Five weeks later, a video was released showing him held by unidentified armed men.

No one has claimed responsibility, and no other information has come from his captors.

Tice’s family has fought hard for his freedom, and has praised the Trump administration for its efforts to bring him home.

—McClatchy Washington Bureau

Trump judicial nominees getting committee approval this week might be his last

WASHINGTON — Senate Judiciary Chairman Lindsey Graham Tuesday said five judicial nominees on the committee’s Thursday agenda will likely be the final ones from President Donald Trump reported to the Senate floor.

“We got the markup Thursday, and that’s it as far as I know,” the South Carolina Republican said Tuesday.

The agenda includes consideration of a measure that would regulate how social media companies moderate content on their platforms, and the judicial nominations, which include Thomas L. Kirsch II for the on the U.S. Court of Appeals 7th Circuit.

Graham and Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s push to confirm judges nominated to lifetime appointments by a president whose party has lost the White House hasn’t occurred, with one exception, in more than a century.

The 7th Circuit Court seat was vacated by now- Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett, who was confirmed by the Senate in October after a truncated nomination process to replace the late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

The committee will also consider two judges nominated to serve as U.S. district court judges in the Eastern District of Tennessee — Charles Edward Atchley Jr. and Katherine A. Crytzer — and one judge in the District of South Carolina, Joseph Dawson III. Those are all for lifetime appointments. The other nominee on the agenda is Zachary N. Somers for the U.S. Court of Federal Claims. That would be for a 15-year appointment term.

The 7th Circuit spot is one of three open appeals court seats.

Another 7th Circuit spot opened on Nov. 30, when Joel M. Flaum, the court’s former chief judge, took senior status. No one has been named as a replacement for Flaum’s seat.

Another vacancy, on the 1st Circuit, came open in October after the death of Judge Juan R. Torruella.

In late November, the White House nominated U.S. District Court Judge Raul M. Arias-Marxuach to replace Torruella.

Chicago singer arrested in childhood friend’s shooting at Atlanta hotel, cops say

ATLANTA — A Chicago-based singer and songwriter has been arrested and accused of aggravated assault after a man was shot in the head in a Buckhead hotel Tuesday evening, authorities said.

When Atlanta police responded to the InterContinental Buckhead Atlanta around 6:25 p.m., they came across a large pool of blood at the entrance of room 614. Inside, they found 24-year-old Jonathan Wright lying at the foot of the bed with a gunshot wound to his forehead, according to an incident report.

Officers said Wright was “somewhat responsive,” but he was having trouble staying conscious due to the loss of a lot of blood.

Joann Marie Slater, who goes by the stage name Ann Marie, was standing beside the bed, screaming and crying hysterically, police said. Although she appeared to be upset, there were no visible tears from her eyes, the report said.

Slater told police numerous times that a gun went off and struck Wright in the forehead after it fell off a table. Police said she continued asking if Wright was OK or dead. She also told authorities that she was unable to provide Wright’s or her own ID, but stated that she “grew up” with the victim and they knew each other from school in Chicago.

Police said they located two shell casings inside the room.

“A projectile was also found by the bathroom door on the carpet and one in the bathroom tub,” the report indicated. “There was one bullet hole in the door jam, and also one in the cabinet top right corner in the bathroom.”

Wright was taken to Grady Memorial Hospital, authorities said. His condition was not released.

Slater was booked into the Fulton County Jail and charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and possession of a firearm during the commission of a felony, online jail records show.

According to YouTube Music, Slater is signed to Interscope Records and known for her single “Secret.”

—The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

British government strips out clauses of bill opposed by EU

LONDON — The British government agreed on Tuesday to remove controversial clauses of a bill that had jeopardized a post-Brexit deal with the European Union, ahead of an in-person meeting between the British premier and the European Commission.

The move — an apparent concession to the EU — comes at a crucial time, with British Prime Minister Boris Johnson expected in Brussels this week to overcome significant differences between the two sides in order to reach a trade deal.

Plans laid out by European Commission Vice President Maros Sefcovic and British Cabinet Office Minister Michael Gove on Tuesday outlined how Northern Ireland will continue to trade with England, Scotland and Wales from Jan. 1.

As part of the agreement, Britain said it would remove three clauses — 44, 45 and 47 — of the Internal Market Bill, a provisional law outlining trade deals within the four nations of the United Kingdom, which could have overridden parts of a withdrawal agreement with Brussels.

The EU had criticized the provisions as breaking international law, disrespecting the Northern Ireland protocol, and breaching the withdrawal agreement.

Other technical rules agreed on Tuesday include border checks on animal and plant products, the supply of medicines and deliveries of chilled meats and other food products to supermarkets. There was also “clarification” on the application of rules on state subsidies, a statement said.

But while this agreement clears a significant hurdle in trade talks, negotiations for a post-Brexit trade deal are still ongoing and remain stalled.

To overcome the significant differences between the two sides, Johnson is due to travel to Brussels on Wednesday to meet European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen in person, a last-ditch attempt to salvage a deal before Britain leaves the bloc’s single market on Jan. 1.

Von der Leyen tweeted on Tuesday that she was looking forward to welcoming Johnson on Wednesday evening. “We will continue our discussion on the Partnership Agreement,” she wrote.

Tuesday’s announcement was welcomed by Irish Foreign Affairs Minister Simon Coveney, who said it was a “positive development” that came after “productive engagement between the EU and the UK.”

Copyright 2020 Tribune Content Agency.

[rue-me-nations]

People are like windows, they show me landscapes and terrains that I could never have conjured up with my own imagination. When windows are shut, I just want to paint a picture of what I saw through them that moved me.

I will miss

Oliver who would go into a mood at times when he couldn’t play the way he’d hoped, when I could see that he was frustrated after having put in effort. When he was happy with his own progress you couldn’t stop him from playing. We shared so many hours with laughter, friendly bickering, working through music, learning together, and even tears, when he was disappointed and plagued with lack of motivation to continue. It was an obstacle I was happy to plough through with him each week.

Ophelia his sister, who was so excited to start learning piano like her brother had been doing. She was always eager to learn and had that enthusiastic energy when talking to me about the things she liked, which included playing the piano. She was the only one who touched me by saying that she wanted to be a piano teacher like me when she grows up. I will never forget the lessons when we had where we would sing Que Sera Sera together while she did her theory work.

Ethan who’s relatively new and was quiet but focused when he first started. He started to open up to me in such a way that he couldn’t stop asking me questions both relating to music and personal and in fact became rather distracted that I had to stop him and point him back to work. He’s such an intelligent boy and seemed to enjoy music.

Lecia who fell in love with playing instruments during her trial lesson. She faced difficulty when things got tougher and lacks motivation in practising. Even so, we found a pace that matched her comfortably and we found enjoyment in learning again.

Hsuen Kai who inspired me by writing that little song about pentominoes, only a few months into our sessions together, getting all the notations entirely wrong in the most adorable way. To him, playing the piano is another one of his many interests, like the books and toys he brings to lessons which I have to keep him from being distracted by.

Caroline who was always excited and happy to come for piano, and insisted on wearing pretty dresses when she did because the people in the videos she saw who played the piano were always dressed nicely. She was only with me for such a short time because her family moved to Vienna, where I’m sure she’ll find really good piano teachers. Her parents were so kind and genuinely cared about her education. I will hold closely to my heart the memory of her trying to invite me to her house to play with her one day.

Gwyneth and Zoe who both found it difficult to find interest in playing the piano, but who humbled me and reminded me how important it is to keep trying and changing pace to perhaps change their perspectives about learning.

Sarah and Trevor, my two teen students who also found no motivation in practising. The thought will always haunt me that perhaps I did not possess the right skills to make them more interested despite having the intention and I was mortified when they both gave up trying.

Benji, whose parents also put a lot of heart into making sure he learned well. He was I think the only four-year-old I know who managed to complete book one of Poco, and so quickly at that. He also left after a short time to go back to the US, and his father sent me such a sweet video of him performing at his first recital, and being the youngest performer too.

Leia who was so inquisitive about everything including how the piano was invented and why it was designed the way it was, who was more interested in having conversations with me than actually playing and practising that I had to constantly try to bring her focus back even though I enjoyed every minute of her sharing her life with me and telling me her intelligent thoughts.

River who lacked confidence and focus at the beginning but began to gain momentum when we tried different ways of communicating and found activities that worked for us. Her personality matched her name in that her consciousness flowed so easily and firmly the way she liked, which was beautiful but I had to steer her in the right path to be productive during lessons. She was always fun even though it meant I had to work on trying to get her focused. Her mother was also very much involved in her learning and saw value in having fun during lessons.

Natalie who was always mischievous and fun during lessons and loved playing tunes by ear. She clearly loves music although she threatened to stop learning because she wasn’t motivated to be disciplined in terms of practice. Despite that I know that she enjoyed our lessons together, the times we sang together and I tried to teach her to play the melody for her favourite pop songs, and when she would write “I love you teacher Ruth” almost weekly on every page of her piano book.

Joey who did not seem to be motivated when I first took over from her previous teacher, but eventually sort of gained momentum finding pieces that she truly enjoyed playing once she mastered them, and began learning at a much faster pace which gave me joy. She was always such a shy girl and seemed reserved in expressing her thoughts, a characteristic common to so many students I encountered at Tampines, perhaps because of their age and also the less privileged backgrounds from which they come, as compared to the ones at Tiong Bahru.

Zhao Kai who was always playful and rebellious by nature so sessions with him were interesting but sometimes also tiring. When he did focus he learned so quickly so it made up for the time he spent being distracted. The shock I felt when he peed in class was memorable, along with the thought of how funny it was because he only realised he needed to go to the toilet when it was too late, too busy having fun trying to distract me from our lesson.

Thea who sometimes frustrated me with her complacent attitude in learning. I constantly felt the need to stir her curiosity and inspire more independent thinking despite the fact that she did enjoy playing the piano – but only the things she was already good at playing. It was hard to make her pay attention to certain technical parts of the syllabus and I had to get creative.

Matthias the teenager who likes playing the piano but has trouble being musical – he would do alright with the notes but found it hard to be emotive or expressive in his playing. He was also extremely quiet and shy and said very little about his life.

Crystabelle who is such a darling. Her mother sent me a voice recording just recently of her saying hi and asking me to come back and teach her which broke my heart.

Kevin who is the most obedient and patient little boy ever, who practices weekly and makes such good progress although we only had half an hour per week. He never complained even when things got difficult, though he was also awfully quiet and difficult to get out of his shell.

WeiBo who is playful and has difficulty focusing. He finds it difficult to understand rhythms and I had to get creative with helping him to understand and drilling him note by note during lessons to make sure he makes real progress.

Nicholas who was the perfect student – he is lively and talkative and loves singing but stays focused and was genuinely interested in learning. He definitely loves music judging by the way he would continue to sing even while doing worksheets.

Avril who was such a ball of energy that it was hard to control her at the start. She demonstrated the ability to listen later on and slowly took pride in being obedient and accomplishing more each week. Her questions and the things she says were always completely adorable and I would gladly allow her to have all the fun she wanted if not for the fact that we had learning to do.

Giselle who was so intelligent but also rebellious at times, who cared so much about how nicely she drew her notes and would ask me which note I liked better, who took so much care in her colouring and tried to make everything colourful and pretty. She tended to be lazy with learning new songs but would relent with a bit of pushing.

Rachael for whom I was so worried when I took over from her previous teacher to prepare for her exam within a few months when she was so unprepared. The relief and joy I felt when she received a Merit was memorable although I disagreed strongly with her competitive and results-oriented values and her parents’ as well.

Aahil who showed great interest in music and was always excited when I told him about composers, something which no other student has demonstrated to me. I loved showing him music to inspire him. His parents also taught him the importance of practising every week, which he did diligently, sometimes upset and frustrated when he encountered difficulties. We always found joy in what he achieved despite that.

Also Anshika, GuoZhe, Vedant, Elyse and Evelle, Xavier, Hsiao Chen, Deborah, Tristan, Shima, Natalie and Noah Mah, Seerat and Ranbeir, Esther.

Last but not least Charis, bless her, who showed me vulnerability when she asked me about my leaving to study abroad. She was the only one who was eloquent and willing to show me she was sad that I was leaving, and asked me why I had to go. “Will I forget you?” she asked, contemplative and looking straight ahead. Notice she worries about her own memory of me fading instead of mine. I saw in her a reflection of myself – the way we all struggle to come to terms with parting and the idea that we will never see a person again, the contemplation of what memory is and what it means to us. It exists in childhood and I don’t believe we ever grow out of feeling that way, we just learn to allow it to happen to us. That moment of connection that we had was truly special and thinking about it now still makes me want to cry. Aside from that, Charis also has a great attitude for learning. She was always saying intelligent things and willing to put in effort. She also has a great way of making learning fun for herself – making words out of the note names and forming sentences with them. This made learning humorous and enjoyable, and I don’t want those memories to fade, either.

This picture is what she drew for me, just one of the little niceties I have been blessed with in the last two years being a teacher. I can’t say I did well as a teacher because there is so much that I could have done better, but it was a real privilege to have been able to witness growth in these people and to have been a part of it.

I am writing this as a final farewell for myself, this part of me that I am leaving behind to step into the future. Teaching wasn’t the only thing that made these two years good, but it sure gave me a real sense of purpose. There were also connections I made with people that I never imagined would happen. Unlike the last time when I left Singapore for Melbourne, I am not leaving with frustration or bitterness. I have memories here that are meaningful and beautiful which I can hold onto like an emblem for all the things I believe in. Amidst the melancholia that I tend towards being submerged in, I have this light that I can keep handy in my pocket.

And now, I can step forward with curiosity and an appetite for adventure.

[smudgedtoon]

Wish you were here

(Day 5 of @lapamedotweek the theme waa beach day. Sometimes girlfriends can't be together.)

‘Hey cutie wanna hang out today?’ -Amesy Q

‘Nahhh, I think I want to be alone today.”-That lASSuli

‘Oh okay, P-dot and I are going to the beach. So if you change your mind…’-Amesy Q

‘Got it.’-That lASSuli

‘I <3 you.’-Amesy Q

‘Ewww gross.’-That lASSuli

‘Love you too, tell Peri for me.’-That lASSuli

“She's not coming, she wants to be alone.” Amethyst said, using a tone that sounded how Lapis probably would have sounded if she was there.

“That's mean, you know sometimes she just needs space.” Peridot said her expression was a mix between exasperation and amusement. “But I have to say, your Lapis impression is getting really good.”

“Thanks P.” Amethyst reached for her girlfriend's hand and began to walk. She was abruptly stopped as Peridot tugged her back.

“Wait, are you sure this is okay?” Peridot fidgeted with the white hem of a light minty green sundress. It had an alien applique stitched to the bottom right. It had been a gift from Lapis and Amethyst, to add more variety to wardrobe. They'd even gotten her a sunhat of matching shade.

Amethyst gave her girlfriend an appraising look, she circled around her once and then whistled. “Damn girl, you look amazing.”

Peridot blushed and looked away muttering something under her breath. But she made no further complaint as Amethyst took her hand again and gave her a peek on the lips.

“Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, but I wish Lapis would've seen me in this.”

“Who says she won't, I have an idea.”

Miles away from the beach, Lapis was waking up. The sun was beginning to set, she'd slept all day, again.

“Dammit.” She growled as she throw the sheets off her and stormed over to her balcony and opened the door. She took a deep breath and felt a pain in her chest as the smell of the ocean hit her. She felt guilty, she'd blown off her girlfriends because she was depressed and all she'd done was nothing all day. “I should gone…”

She went back into her room and hunted for her phone. It had ended up under her bed, she probably dropped it when she'd fallen asleep. A small green dot flashed on and off, she'd been messaged. “Probably to tell me how much fun I was missing.”

Sighing she unlocked her screen, but just stared. She had over eighty notifications quite a few were texts, some were from other social media. “What the hell…” she muttered under her breath. She went through the notifications and clicked the oldest one, a text from Amethyst.

‘Hey dude, I know you're probably asleep. Don't beat yourself up about it.’-Amethyst

“Right, just like I thought…” Lapis said about to out her phone down, but she went back to her notifications and clicked the next. It was a message on messenger, she opened it only to find her phone loading something. A video? They had gone through a lot of trouble to chastise her. Her brows furrowed as the play button appeared. She hit play.

The image at first was blurry all she could see was green and the it panned out to show Peridot standing on a sandy trail waving. She was in the dress she and Amethyst had bought her, it looked amazing. It showed off her legs and complimented the green chunk that had become a regular part of Peridot’s hair.

“Hi! Lapis.”

“Yes hi, Lapis.” Amethyst’s face suddenly appeared in the video she wore a huge smile. “Since you weren't able to make it, we decided to give you a virtual beach day.”

The video went back to Peridot waving, this time she was waving for the camera and Amethyst to follow. “Come Ames and Lapis.”

She inhaled sharply at her name. The video ended. She played it again. She quickly found the next message it was on Cliktext, this time it was just Amethyst. She appeared to be in a sandy bathroom stall.

“Hey babe, what do you think?” She panned the camera down causing Lapis to blush. “Shhhh don't tell Peri okay?” She kissed the camera and the video ended. Lapis quickly pressed the button to save the video before it was gone forever.

The next was a message from Peridot, she had taken a picture of Amethyst running out into the waves, she was in a one piece bikini with a chest window. A caption stated ‘While we relax in the shade Amethyst decided to play in the ocean.’

Lapis let out a small noise, it was a almost chirp of happiness.

The next message was again from Peri, it was a slide show of Amethyst as she chased seagulls. She stopped when she saw the guys who sell fries. The next images in the slide had her running towards Peridot as she was chased by a ravenous flock of seagulls chased after her.

Lapis gasped with laughter. She went back to her notification and noticed an hour gap between it and the one she'd just viewed. She clicked it reopening messenger, there was a picture of what looked like a sand sculpture of her laying on her stomach, the hair made of seaweed. The caption was you looked so peaceful sleeping we didn't want to wake you while we went to get…

She quickly found the second part which was on a message from Peridot. It was a collage photo of her and Amethyst holding different foods. It took her a moment but it dawned on her they were holding some of her favorite foods. They had gotten shawarma, snow cones, and green tea.

She sighed, those dorks.

She spent the next few minutes laughing, oohing and awwing as she viewed the rest of their beach day. Her favorites were the image where sand Lapis helped Peri bury a sleeping Amethyst, the video Amethyst recorded of her rinsing of in the stalled showers with Peridot shouting about her being lewd.

She reached the last image and her heart sink the last image was Amethyst, Peridot and her sand legs stretched out as they looked at the sunset sinking past the ocean horizon. It was a text from Peridot. She bit her lip, as a wave of emotion swirled in her, she was happy they shared the day with her but not actually being there for the sunset hurt, badly. She looked outside and saw it was dark, they were probably heading home. She sighed as she walked to the balcony and grabbed her pack of cigarettes. She extracted and lit one, she'd been trying to cut back because it meant a lot to Peridot but found herself smoking whenever she was upset. As she took her first drag her she felt her phone vibrate it was a message from Amethyst with a link. She frowned and clicked it, a download started and she frowned at the size, but let the download continue. By the time it finished she was on her second cigarette. She had gone through the pictures and videos a second time reliving their day at the beach, she was so distracted she hadn't heard the knock on her door.

The video was twenty minutes long but the preview image sent Lapis scrambling to press play. It started out exactly how the picture that Peridot had sent looked, except the sun had only begun to lower in the sky. The camera swiveled to Amethyst who smiled up at it and then ro Peridot who waved and was all teeth with her excited smile.

“I'm glad we got to share this day with you.” Peridot said.

The camera went back to the sky and the only sounds that could be heard were the ocean waves and gulls as she watched the sun set. Just as the last bits of light were fading and it go harder to see, Amethyst took the camera and looked directly in it as if looking at her. “I love you, we both do, I hope you enjoyed our faux date. I gotta tell you I can't wait to see you in person because sand Lapis doesn't cut it.” She gave the camera a kiss and waved good-bye before shutting off the camera. Tears fell on the black screen as Lapis held a hand to her mouth. “Those dorks.”

A let out a shaky breath and smiled. She'd have to wash her face before they got home if she wanted to hide the fact she'd been crying. She walked back into her room and set her phone on her bed before she went to open her door. Outside it waiting for her to discover was a giant shell, and underneath a takeout box. She picked both up, feeling tears start to form at the edge of her eyes. She heard another door open and a small voice call out.

“Lapis?” It was Peridot, she came forward and wrapped her arms around her. “Are you okay?”

She felt another pair of arms around her and heard Amethyst say. “Did we do the wrong thing?”

Lapis shook her head trying to wipe away the tears. Smiling she kissed each on the forehead. “I love you guys, best beach date ever.”