#a lot of episodes will start something and finish it in the next one or a couple episodes later

[anonymusbosch]

on wanting to do a million things

prompted by @bloodshack 's

i wanna learn SQL but i wanna learn haskell but i wanna learn statistics but i wanna start a degree in macroeconomics also sociology also library science but i wanna learn norwegian but i wanna learn mandarin but i wanna paint but i wanna do pottery but i wanna get better at woodworking but i wanna get better at cooking but i wanna bake one of those cakes that's just 11 crepes stacked on top of each other but i wanna watch more movies but i wanna listen to more podcast episodes but i need to rest but i need to exercise but i wanna play with my dog but i wanna go shopping but i need to go grocery shopping but i need to do the dishes but i need to do laundry but i need to buy a new x y and z but i need to save money but i wanna give all my money away to people who need it more but i wanna pivot my career to book editing but to do that i have to read more and i wanna read more nonfiction but i wanna read more novels but i wanna get better at meditating but i wanna volunteer but i wanna plan a party but i wanna go to law school. but what im gonna do is watch a dumbass youtube video and go to bed

I think I've been doing slightly better this year about Actually Doing Things. not great! but I do a lot and I've been "prototyping" ways to get closer to doing as much as is possible. and if I actually talk about it it's a bunch of very obvious statements but I'll try to make them a little more concrete

rule number one: experiment on yourself

there's no one approach that's right for everyone and there's not even one approach for me that works at all times. try things out. see what works. pay attention to what doesn't. try something else.

rule number two: ask what's stopping you and then take it seriously

example: I often want to do Everything in the evening at like 2 PM, but then get home and am tempted sorely by the couch, and then get stuck inertia'd and not doing much but being tired and kind of bored. why?

if I don't have plans, it's easy to leave work later than planned and hard to make myself do something by a specific time

i'm generally tiredish after work. 4 out of 5 times, that'll go away if I actually start Doing Something, but 1 out of 5 it's real and I will go hardcore sleepmode at 8 PM and just be Done

i use up a ton of my program management/executive function/Deciding Things brain at work and usually find it noticeably harder to string together "want to do Thing > make list of Things > decide on a Thing > do Thing" after I'm home. Even if I have a list of Things to Do, how does one decide! how does one start! and god forbid there's a Necessary thing. then it's all downhill

therefore, mitigations: have concrete time-specific plans in advance.

if I have an art class at 6:00 PM I need to leave work by 5:15 and NO LATER and I can't get sucked into "oh 10 more minutes to finish this" *one hour later*

that also means I have to have a fridge or freezer dinner ready and can't spend 45 minutes cooking "fuck it, what the hell did I put in the fridge, why don't we have soy sauce" evil meal that is not good

plans with friends: dinner! art night! music night! repair-your-clothes night! seeing a show! occasionally, Accountability Time where a friend comes over for We Are Doing Tasks with tea and snacks etc.

for some reason I'm way better about Actually Doing Things when the plan exists already. magically I overcome couch inertia even though I am the same amount of tired! and while I never learn the ability to decouch without plans I at least learn to make them

still working on:

a "prototype" for maybe next month is a weeklyish Study Session for a thing I want to learn about. I want to somehow make it employer-proof (I am accountable to some entity to being at place X at time Y) and haven't figured out a good way. Maybe I can leverage that the local library is open til 8 on wednesdays and somehow make it a Thing? maybe I'll try it!

oh god oh fuck the thing about plans is that if you want to have them you need to make them. christ. a lot of the time I can cover this with some combo of weekend planning + recurring events (things like weekly friend dinner/weekly class) + having cool friends who reach out proactively but it still requires active planning and it can fall thru the cracks

rule three: cool friends

they can take you to things

they can remind you that you can do whatever the fuck you please

i have a friend who is somehow Always doing cool classes and learning shit. and this reminds me that I can ... do that. and sometimes I do

you can take them to things!!

rule four: try to kill the anon hate in your head

obv this depends on your circumstance but sometimes it's worth it to me to look at constraints that "feel real" and check whether they're an active choice I made thoughtfully or, like, the specters of people I don't know judging my choices

time and money are obvious ones. recently was gently nudged towards looking at whether i could give myself more time to Do Things by cooking less. imaginary specters of judgmental twitterites: "it's illegal to spend money. if you get takeout you're the first up against the wall when the revoution comes. make all your lunches and dinners and hoard the money for Later. for Something. how dare you get lunch at the store. you bourgeois hoe. taking charity donations from the mouths of the poor cause you don't have your life together enough to cook artisanal bespoke dinners every night. fuck you." and obviously eating takeout 24/7 is not the answer, but realizing I was not making an active choice helped me try making the active choice instead. "how much do I actually want to balance cost, time, tastiness, and wastefulness of my food, given my amount of free time and my salary and the tradeoff against doing something else? can I approach it differently to do more quick cheap food + some takeout?" -> current prototype: substitute in 1 takeout dinner or restaurant-with-friends a week, 1 frozen type dinner, and then batch cook or sandwiches lunches w/ "permission" to get fast lunch at the store. we'll see how it goes!

i am really really bad at this and find it helpful to talk to other people who can help point out when I'm being haunted by ghosts about it.

rule five: what would it take? what's the next step?

this one i give a lot of credit to @adiantum-sporophyte in particular for, especially for prompting me with questions when I muse about the million-ideal-lives on car rides. what would it look like to do xyz? what's something I could do right now to move in that direction? what's the obstacle? like, actually ask the question and think through it. with a person talking to you! damn! maybe the obstacle to x is that I don't know if I'll like it or if I just like the idea of it. and I don't want to commit to x without knowing. Okay, so maybe an approach would be to find someone who does x and talk to them about how their life is, or maybe it's "spend 15 minutes looking up intro-to-x near me", or "actively schedule 1 instance of x", or something like that. Or maybe it's that I don't know what it takes to do x. Okay, how about on Tues after dinner Adiantum fixes a sweater at my apartment while I spend 20 min looking at prereqs for x. like, it's so basic to say "to do a thing, you could try figuring out how to do it" but I think the important thing here is the feedback/prompting to even recognize "hey, step back, if you don't know the next step then figuring out the next step is the next step"

rule six: habits

prototyping: exercise

I do a lot better when I exercise in the mornings. I do a lot better when I do PT exercises regularly. For a while I was doing PT with friend in the morning every morning before work (accountability! a friendly face to make it more pleasant!) but that didn't really solve - it's not the kind of exercise that makes me feel awake/active, it's like dumb little foot botherings. but: having the habit of morning exercise made it easier to swap out 2 of the 5 days for more intense exercise, and then to swap those 2 for a different more intense exercise when I needed a break. it's easier to build a low-effort version of the habit and then work in the higher-effort one than to just Decide to be the kind of person who gets up at ass o clock to do cardio or whatever

rule seven: set up the structure of your life to make it easy

this is also a "duh" thing but like. on so many levels it comes down to structure your life to make the choice more doable. this can be something like "i structure my life to make vegetarian cooking baseline and vegan cooking the majority by stocking the pantry with staples and spices from cuisines that work well that way" or "i chose an apartment that lets me commute by bike" or "i have my camping gear put away in a fashion that makes it easier to gather frequently and lowers the barrier to trips" or "i keep physical books around to prompt myself to read xyz" to "i don't use instagram or twitter or snapchat or facebook" to . idk.

and in terms of charitable giving: similar deal. I have an explicit budget at the beginning of the year (~10% of my before-tax income), I know in advance what charities I give to, and I know what timing I will use (basically, alerts for donation matching around specific fundraising times). Anything outside the Plan comes from my discretionary budget/fun money. That makes it less of a mental load (the choice is already made; I don't grapple with every donation request or every bleeding-heart trap because I have a very solid anchor on "I give to xyz, the money's set aside") and it's armor against impulsive-but-not-useful scrupulosity. I structure the rest of my spending/life to prioritize a set amount and it makes it easier to follow through

rule eight: if you can do it at work a tiny bit that counts for real life

(infrequently used)

"hi mr. manager I think it would be great if I could use enough SQL to make basic queries in the database so we don't have to go through the software team for common/basic questions. I'd like to take 1 hr on Friday to go through some basic tutorials and then 1 hr with Pat on Monday so he can walk me through an intro for our specific use case. I estimate this will help save the team a couple hours a week of waiting for answers from the other team." and then you have enough of a handle with baby's first SQL that you can add little bits and bobs as you exercise it. this is responsible for a medium amount of my knowledge of python and all 3 brain cells worth of SQL.

rule nine: life is an optimization problem

not in, like, "you need to optimize your skincare and career and exercise and social life and have everything all at once" that's not what optimization means. optimization is like, maximize something with respect to a set of constraints. i explicitly Do Not do skincare beyond "wash face" and "sunscreen" bc I want to optimize my life for like looking at weird plants in the mountains. explicitly choosing to put time and money elsewhere! can't have it all all at once. so fuck them pores. who give a shit. yeah i ate a lot of protein shakes instead of home cooked breakfasts this week bc i was prioritizing morning exercise. im looking at this beautiful bug and it doesn't know what fashion is or what my resume looks like. im holding a lizard. im not spending time on picking cool clothes or whatever bc i spent that time looking up lizard hotspots on purpose.

that's really long and probably mostly, like, not surprising? but i keep benefiting from ppl being like "hey have you considered Obvious Thing" framed very gently

[chiefcatherder]

Future Fics

now that the end for 'cut it out and restart' is somewhere in sight (anywhere from 4 to 7ish chapters, i know what i want to cover just a matter of pacing and exact order) i am considering my goals for future fanfics, i have so many ideas so i need to learn to put them down better, i hope to get in to the habit of trying to write something at least once a week but we will see...

before i get any further and you wonder why the hell i am posting this; i guess i want feed back? which of the ideas excites you most? i am so waffley on what i want to do next a single person's enthusiasm may be what seals the deal for my next project.

I DO have a long fic idea for another dratchrod fic but i would need to re-read MTMTE to make it as convoluted as i hope to (it would be a total AU compered to the original plot that just borrows some large elements form the original to flesh out the story) so that's on the back burner

but in the mean time here is some ideas that i feel i would be able to finish if i put in the time (a lot of my other stuff is half baked or missing a major story arc to make it happen) i imagine whatever i settle on they would be interspersed with shorter fics if i can find the time to do it (￣▽￣)"

if you are a Hot Rod simp like me you will be in for a good time, if not; my condolences

Idea 1: Hot Rod is the younger of Optimus’ two protégés and generally considered the troublemaker of the two. With the Autobot Decepticon war now at full tilt Hot Rod is assigned a position of Captain aboard a fast patrol ship. Will this be the chance he had been hoping for to prove to Optimus that his mentor hadn’t wasted his time or will it be another failure in a long string of disappointments?

alternative summery of this fic would be: a series of unfortunate events. a lot of it deals with Hot Rod's daddy mentor issues, general self doubt, loneliness and learning about who he is, the ship would be g1 characterization of Ultra magnus/Hot Rod, not a slow burn but slow to happen due to when they finally meet in the story

idea 2: 8604 567ROD, Hot Rod to his friends, knows a Vehicon's lot in life is not an easy one so he never thought he would make it to the end of the war and never made any plans for it but now that it’s here what’s a cannon fodder trooper to do?

tfp AU i WILL make you care about vehicons or so help me! the ship would be a friends with benefits (? mostly idk it's complicated) arcee/hot rod and springer if i can wrangle him, decided to go the g1 fusion route instead of MTMTE as a treat ✨

Idea 3: By the time the rescue bots make it to griffin rock they are a reasonably solid team but how did they become one?

this would be a sort of slice of life for emergency rescue team that's learning to work together type of deal , it will give me a chance to use my fascination with industrial disasters 👍 no real ship but maybe hints of heatwave/chase

shorter fic ideas that might happen in between

idea 1: the direction the decepticons have been taking  have left Hot Rod discontent, maybe the autobot side will be more to his taste.  

(this is Hot Rod is a decepticon but switches sides story with a twist that will be revealed relatively early on, the main ship is g1 characterization of Ultra magnus/Hot Rod)

idea 2: another Hot Rod becomes a (field) medic during the war fic

this one would be episodic, i have at least 3 arcs that i would write as separate stories that are in the same AU no real ship for Hot Rod but some background stuff maybe, Ratchet is there, Drift will make an appearance if i make it that far

idea 3: the decepticons love competence and Soundwave is very competent.

the setting is a bit nebulous but it's basically somewhere near the start of the war Megatron and Starscream noticing Soundwave and his skills 👀 nothing happens romantically but there is tension and that it might lead to more is implied, could become episodic if i feel inspired

idea 4: Some time after the end of LL Drift's bounty hunter past unexpectedly caches up to him in a perhaps misguided attempt to keep his husband safe he embarks on a solo adventure to take care of things but there's one crucial point he forgot: Ratchet had been willing to cross the galaxy for him before they were even married and he sure as hell would do it again! But this time he is not alone.

self explanatory ;) Ratchet/Drift/Rodimus end game

feel free to leave feedback, questions, ask for clarifications and so on...

[aquanutart]

desert flygon

[existentialcrisis-9-5]

I’m going absolutely insane over my miraculous rewrite thing

I have concepts done for every episode of season 1, concepts for the overarching plot across seasons (I’m trying to cut down on a season or two, which is very feasible with how I’m playing my cards). I have drafts (first drafts, mind you) of several of the episodes, and I FUCKING FIGURED OUT HOW TO IMPLEMENT LILA IN A WAY THAT ISNT AS STUPID!!! THIS TOOK ME A WEEK NEARLY TO COME UP WITH!!!

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s3 episode 2 "paper clip" thoughts

(racing against time because a thunderstorm is rapidly encroaching but i need to know what happens next)

and for once, a storm did not disrupt my streaming experience! but i almost wish it did. because this episode made me very sad. let's jump in.

we got another “previously on the X files” at the start... is that what is gonna happen every time now?? not sure if i like that or not. but i'm sure it was useful back when you had to wait a week in between episodes, to jog the memory.

noooo not the alien gassing scene again!!! it was featured in our recap. and it was just as evil as the first time.

so now the story begins.

we're back in New Mexico. Albert is talking about the story of the gila monster. it is a great story! i wonder if they had cultural consultants for this season, or hired an Indigenous writer.

Albert announces that a great event took place on the plains!!! a white buffalo was born on the same day mulder was revived…. this is a powerful omen of great changes.

(and the buffalo didn’t look white, but tbh, probs hard to find one for such a scene, so perhaps washed out lighting was the best they could do. i understand the constraints)

does the theme sound slightly off? almost like it starts on a different beat now. OH they cut the whole thing short. well that would explain the difference i felt. why would they do this to me? i was well-accustomed to the rhythm! can't a girl groove a little?

okay, NOW we're back to the gun off between scully and skinner. and it’s tense!

mulder bursts in and I’m CACKLINGGG. please, this had to be the last thing he was going to expect. his boss and his bestie with guns in each other's faces. i’m cryinggg

(also her face. her face when she sees it is him. it's sooo good)

“you okay, scully?”, he asks, adding his gun to the fray “yeah”, she says, as she looks at the man back from the dead... ohhhhhhh... the sense of relief

and OHHHH they BOTH pull guns on skinner to get the tape back!! i'm SOOOOOOO seated. this is juicy.

and i hate to say it, but skinner is lowkey making sense here with his campaign to keep the tape. he says that they don’t want it back in "their" hands. skinner seems deeply confused regarding whatever the hell just happened but they finally agree that he should hold onto it for now.

this next part, when they leave his place. man. i'm just gonna keep it verbatim because it captured a lot of emotions:

"OHHHH LOOK AT HER FACE WHEN THEY GET ALONE TOGETHER OHHH SHE’S SOOOO CUTE OHHH THE LITTLE SMILE OH I’M DEAD"

it was SO sweet. she couldn't believe it. he tried to say something but she cut him off, saying she went to his father's funeral and told his mom she would be okay, because she knew it. she didn't know how, but she knew it.

(they were leaned in so close for so long... for a split second i thought they would kiss and then the elevator closed... ohhh. maybe they did and we just didn't see it)

((maybe this is the part where they kissed in the bloopers i have seen floating around? if so. i get it. i think i would have done the same had i found myself acting in such a scenario))

but the sweetness cannot last, and we are back to the hospital, where poor mrs. scully is dealing with learning her OTHER daughter was shot in the head. the head!!! a terrible place to be shot!!! they put melissa in an induced coma!!!!! melissa did not deserve this and scully doesn’t even KNOW this has happened!!

ohh, i’m sad. but we’re back with the lone gunmen, and things are okay in scully’s mind, because mulder’s back and they have a trail to chase and she doesn’t know yet that her sister was shot in the head. and i’m sad because she doesn’t know such a horrible thing happened, but also i want to be happy because she’s happy. her face when she saw him. i will think about it for decades.

operation paper clip mentioned... ah, yes, i have heard of this. they mention a nazi named “Victor Klemper”... is he real? verdict is in, one search later: victor is NOT real. but he has a very similar name to a real famous german historian!

“what would he be doing in a photo with your father”, asks scully. and why did she say this in a manner that was, to me, seductive? you know what? i think honestly it’s a me problem. shame on me for being distracted from the narrative by such things.

frohike and mulder reunion!!! it is sweet. but only for a moment is it sweet, because he breaks the news on scully's sister, who is horrified.

she runs really fast to try and go see her, but mulder catches up to her in the stairwell when she is almost out the door, and says the people who meant to kill her will be waiting at the hospital. oh, and melissa's earlier words from s2 episode 8, about mulder trying to get even, are prophetic here… “cause the only thing you can do for her right now is to try to crucify them", he says. it is a shame her wishes for peace and acceptance instead of violence couldn't be honored, and that going to visit her wouldn't be safe.

at the UN alien council. they are discussing this "serious mistake", of shooting melissa instead of scully. OH! the man from the funeral is there!!!

(for the sake of this episode, he shall bear the moniker "funeral man". but if he has a real name, please feel free to share. i'm asking you to do so. because i come up with these things on the fly. and i really could read the credits i guess but this is mostly just a one person operation with google only serving to check historical accuracy, not things as risky to spoilers as the NAMES of the CHARACTERS!)

((but i did see cig man/cancer man referred to in my notes once as "csr" which actually made sense. because i had spun one of those "fuck marry kill" wheels on here and gotten "csr x files" and i had no idea who that was referring to. but it turns out i did know him. kill btw))

funeral man is calling out cig man’s “ridiculously ineffectual assassins”, which, honestly, what did we expect from krychek? and oh, he is digging INTO cig man. it's enjoyable to witness. he’s being called out for mulder not really being dead AND the tape not really being in his hands like he claims. cig man LIES (average thing for him to be doing, all things considered), and tells the others on the alien council that “i’ll have it here for you tomorrow” which is an awful big promise. a very very big promise. 

next scene: a greenhouse! it's quite lovely until it isn't, because the old man tending to the flowers is victor, a nazi who got clemency under operation paperclip. so a very very bad fellow. scully is being mean to him, but obviously he deserves much, much, much worse. 

he asks about a formula and scully knows it, then says the photo was from west virginia. those are the only cryptic clues he offers. okay, off to a very mountainous road trip. god bless their poor souls. dealing with motion sickness on top of all the mess at hand.

funeral man is receiving a call from victor. they know each other? he snitched that mulder visited the greenhouse. and victor says funeral man was “venal”. new word learned! meaning susceptible to bribery!! is this the truth...?? i mean i THINK mulder comes from money due to the whole martha's vineyard thing, but does he have enough to buy his way out of this?

also. let's ask the real question. why is victor calling and dropping clues. is it fun for him.

anyway, the rest of the alien subdivision of the UN says that they are calling in “their friends who will handle this matter more satisfactorily” because krychek obviously sucks at his job 

KRYCHEK SPOTTED at the hospital! wait no it was actually just another random well-dressed guy stalking about. BUT YOU KNOW WHO IS HERE: ALBERT!!!!

did he come all the way here from New Mexico or was he is in the region... 😭😭 Albert, you deserve more than this earth will ever give you. so much has been taken from you. and yet you continue to give.

our agents are pulling up to west virginia. it looks like a ghost town, and i’ve heard that is an accurate depiction. they walk into an abandoned place. with bats in the building!! be careful!! they are rabies vectors!!!

(can you imagine if the show just ended here because mulder got rabies and died. pause to imagine this with me. then i will walk you back to the stuff that actually did happen)

ohh, and as they enter this place, the score is going wild!!! i'm rocking with it. i love a good score. the suspense is building. i ALWAYS want there to be violins to indicate suspense.

they find some locked doors with keypads, and they’re putting in 27828. it’s not working so he’s like "are you SURE scully?" and she says “i’m positive, Napier’s constant is the basis of all natural logarithms” and i giggled. and maybe also kicked my feet and twirled my hair. 

(i am learning, through this liveblog, that nothing makes me blush more than pretty people reciting semi-obscure facts. make of that observation what you will, because op will be contemplating it for a while)

they finally get it open!! i never doubted your number skills, scully. but before they go in, she’s worried about how he’ll feel!!!! what if his father was a bad guy :( “I just know how it would affect me” :((((( she is so thoughtful...

(i'm torn between making a genuine observation on the fact that despite she just learned her sister is dying, she still makes time to be certain mulder is okay with proceeding because it could be upsetting to him. and the other thing i'm thinking about is that that one meme that says "pearl is so kind" and i'm just imagining scully there instead of pearl. i suppose there is room for both)

back to skinner’s office. cig man has arrived. skinner is approaching him like an animal its prey, while bill clinton looms over the corner. 

skinner says he MAY have found the cassette and cig man is PISSSSSED at the implication he would “work deals”. well king!! you may have no choice!

(i hope that what skinner REALLY has is an identical cassette that just has syllables that LOOK like Navajo code but actually mean absolutely nothing. that would be evil and entertaining to me)

cig man looks like he is gonna CRY he is so desperate! but he is basically saying he’ll kill skinner if he has to, so watch out. and AGAIN. banger tv score as all this goes down.

our agents are in an old mine. it’s very dark and full of records!

(turns on the lights and sees the rows of cabinets stretch for what seems like eternity) “lots of files” “lots and lots of files” <- so true

mulder kinda sounds like he’s gonna have a breakdown. all the files have tissue in them... gross???? he asks when she was born so they can check that year’s files AND SEE IF SHE IS IN THEM. OH GOSH. 

and they find her file right away!!! it has a tissue sample and everything, and it’s recent, and that means the project must still be ongoing, despite how abandoned this mine is.

THEY FIND HIS SISTER’S FILE!!!! we are getting so close to answers. but there is a sticker over her name, because the file was originally his. so someone swapped his sister for him???

he’s freaking the fuck out at some large noises, and he runs and leaves her in the archives. something is hissing. AN ARMY OF ALIENS SCAMPERS BY???? they are running from something. HUH??? dana scully alien encounter??? did they just run by her or was that a different corridor in this endless mountain maze. did she see them. it was like a stampede. very hard to miss.

it seems that the aliens from the spaceship are coming and mulder is drawn to them. HIDE! HIDE FROM THEM! THEY WILL TAKE YOU!

he sees a GIANT spaceship flying over the compound. like giant and it’s super bright and it just. flies over. well, I guess west virginia isn’t a bad place to hide such things. due to the lack of people there.

this is not a dig at west virginia it's just rather sparsely populated.

scully is down in the archives still, and a whole lot of people are rolling up with guns. NOOO!! they are shooting at him!!!! with a stormtrooper aim. he is escaping their bullets as if this is just a jungle gym for him.

REUNION in the dark archives!!! scully found a back way out, where it seems the aliens left!!!! they're running into the woods together!!! it’s almost romantic!!!

skinner cam. he’s in maryland. at a nice little diner in the middle of nowhere. WITH OUR AGENTS!!!!

mulder says the hit squad looked like CIA, and i assumed there was some CIA-FBI tensions, but i’m unfamiliar with the lore, in terms of both real life and txf universe. it seems it’s severe though. skinner says he’ll negotiate their lives for the tape but mulder is like NO the public deserves the truth. which is lovely. i love ideals and sticking to your morals. and he’ll die for it bitch!!! he did once!!

“in your wildest dreams, what do you possibly hope to find, agent mulder?” “why they killed my father. and what happened to my sister” ohhh mulder sounds so scared and hurt... because he is. all this talk of truth and morals guiding his life but also this whole thing is so intensely personal for him, it seems impossible to separate one cause from the other. ohh i'm emotional. 

“and what they did to agent scully”, he adds OHHHHH oh man. his family. they took his family. and he needs revenge, he needs to know. and she is included in that. MAN.

scully says they should make the deal, he says “what makes you think there’s any such thing as justice?”, it’s heating up. again, i say: replace the cassette with out of context Navajo syllables. hire me for the FBI.

i was concerned about scully advocating for the deal- does not the truth mean something to her? of course we know it does, but she is being realistic. the truth won't mean much if they're on the run forever, and there is no one to corroborate their story. but she clarifies:

"i want exactly what you want. but i need to see my sister” :((( they both look so sad

“it’s up to you, scully” he’s mad and torn but he leaves the choice to her because her opinion is the one he cares the most about :( and really there are no good options, it's an awful situation

she said to make the deal, but not hand over the tape until mulder says to. hmm. will this plan work?

“i’m sorry about your sister, scully”, he finally says, and she replies that “i just need to know she’s going to be okay”. but i’m not sure it’s looking so good for her and that makes me SO SAD. on the ride home, she sits in the back and lets mulder take shotgun. and i realize, this is because she’s probably gonna cry back there and try to hide it. OUGH.

albert back at the hospital! he prayed over missy for two days. have we said thank you to him? and if so we should keep saying it until we all perish.

but he has received news from the north: the white buffalo calf that was such a strong omen is no longer drinking its mother’s milk. and the mom is sad, and then she died. this is not a good sign. “for something to live, another thing must often be sacrificed”, he says, and it becomes clear someone is not making it out of this episode. i hope against all hope it was krychek that was going to bite it.

it was not :(

skinner here at the hospital to see melissa. he tells scully’s mom that dana is okay, but in a very serious situation they hope to reverse :( 

albert points out that some guy has been snooping in on their room (and it wasn’t krychek, whose name corrects to all caps in my phone, because i only speak of him with hate in my heart) but just some other similar looking guy. skinner says albert, you stay here, i’m going off. hopefully for some hospital violence. hospital violence ensues!!! and this time krychek IS there.

but the violence does not go in the direction i hoped for, which was for skinner to kick some ass. it's three on one, they beat him and leave him in the corner and take the tape!!!! noooooooo!! poor skinner, i was coming around to you.

also leaving this next part verbatim because it is funny:

"fucking krychek i hate everything about you and i hate your new slicked back greaser hair and i hope you trip and fall and all of your limbs fall off and the doctors wonder how they can even happen because they have never seen it before WHAT NOW HE’S RUNNING??? the car blew up before he ran away. and the folks he was running from SEE him running away so he literally can’t even do a good job at bailing"

(if you need a translation: krychek's fellow assassins stopped to grab some drinks, so he pocketed the cassette and left before their car blew up)

back at the greenhouse. our agents are looking for victor, who apparently died yesterday. and funeral man is here!!! they openly accuse him of killing victor. he does not deny this claim.

funeral man is going on about roswell, operation paperclip, and mengele. he’s going on about hybrid orchids and mulder realizes that victor must have been trying to create an alien-human hybrid. which would explain the smallpox vaccination scars in the alien bodies found in New Mexico. FUNERAL MAN. WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON??

he's on the side of whoever can solve his little riddles i guess

mulder is MAD his dad was involved with this, but scully says it can’t be true, because DNA wasn’t even a thing people knew of until 1944. i mean, they’re lying about a whole lot. why not lie about the timeline of DNA discovery, too?

funeral man says men like mr. mulder were instructed to gather genetic data on the general populace, and that his dad had objected strongly to its true purpose. allegedly this experiment was for post apocalyptic identification, which doesn't really make sense to be, but okay. hundreds of millions of americans had their info collected from smallpox vaccine data.

scully is saying that it’s all a lie, that he’s saying everything mulder wants to hear, and i'm agreeing with her. funeral man says “why would i lie to you?” um better question: what would you gain by telling the truth??

mulder flat out yells that she was abducted by aliens and this doesn’t go over well as you can probably guess. she is working overtime to NOT think about that. so she walks away from the whole thing.

leaving just the two conspirators. OH, listen to this: funeral man claims they took his sister as insurance because his father threatened to expose the project!! “you also threaten to expose the project. you’ve become your father” <- hmm. that is a bold claim. because mulder has never willingly engaged in the creation of alien-human hybrids. 

chat, do we believe him? i feel that samantha’s abduction being an act of random and horrific tragedy seems more likely. and possibly more poignant. 

krychek is on the phone with cig man. “i’m alive. isn’t that a surprise?” “yes, yes, good good good. where are you?” <- LMAOOOO king of playing it casual

“somewhere where you’ll never find me, you double crossing son of a bitch” hmmm. the double crosser gets double crossed. shocked pikachu face. he threatens to make cig man “famous”, which i wouldn't be opposed to, which is NOT the same as endorsing him or his actions. 

cig man says there is no deal to make regarding the files and the agent’s lives. oh, so he thinks he can just have both, i see how it is

very sudden cut to mulder at his mom’s house at 2 am. asking his mom if she ever had to choose a favorite child. she keeps denying and denying until:

“no. i couldn’t choose. it was your father’s choice. and i hated him for it. even in his grave i hate him still” OHHHH this is adding validity to the theory that funeral man was telling the TRUTH???? poor Samantha :(

wait this is SO sad. and to think of how harsh his dad was to him while he was alive. how he must have expected the absolute best from his son because he knows he chose him over his sister. and how the only consolation for having to make that choice is to expect his son to be Perfect. which could never happen. just leaving him in deep distress. man. that is truly messed up.

man. i feel like we need space for that revelation.

but cig man is at skinner’s office. lighting up. as usual. skinner says he has the tape in exchange for the safety of the agents, but cig man says he knows skinner is bluffing

HOLY FUCK: “you ever wondered what it would be like to, uh, die in a plane crash? of botulism? even a heart attack?” <- HUH???? his melodic cadence makes this even scarier. goodness that escalated quickly.

“i’m not finished yet” (skinner fetches Albert) ALBERT??? I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO BE AT THIS SCENE. GET HIM OUT OF HERE. KEEP HIM SAFE. OH: ALBERT CAN RECITE EVERYTHING FROM THE TAPE. 

albert please do not bring this risk upon yourself, i mumble to myself OH! he told 20 other people from the tribe. “so unless you kill every Navajo living in four states… that information is available with a simple phone call. welcome to the wonderful world of high technology” wow. skinner if you had access to the tech i know about i think you would be so pleased. or maybe not. regardless, a good play. just KEEP albert safe i am NOT messing around.

cig man gets scared and leaves. as he should!

mulder at the hospital. scully is sitting alone. NO??? NOT MELISSA??? 

no, it can't be true, but it is: melissa died in surgery.

they both agree they need to get back to work so they have something to keep them from going insane with grief. their whole exchange was very emotional and powerful, but i was too sad to make extensive notes, so i'll have to circle back to that someday.

and she says “i’ve heard the truth. now what i want are the answers”. he holds her while she sits and stares at her sister's empty hospital bed. 

NOOOOO. i am filled with such sadness. scully now has to live with this belief that her sister died for her, and that she didn’t get to say thank you. and i’m very sad because i liked melissa a lot and scully deserves no pain. and her poor mother... oh, there are real tears in my eyes while i type this.

and mulder, forced to know that his father chose him over his sister, that his father was involved in what he sought to destroy, that had his father picked any other line of work, he could have had a normal, happy childhood. what the fuck. this is sooo evil. i’m sad!!! yeah i’m crying about the damn alien show. so what!!! so what!!!

listen, just because an episode is sad, does not mean it wasn’t good. it was a very good episode. i’m just sad. sometimes multiple things can be true.

grief of our main agents and their families aside, my top concern is Albert. is he going to be safe and protected? can he continue to spread the oral tradition? maybe get it written down too, for extra insurance? typed up? saved? backed up? written in notebooks? stored in archives? is he even telling the TRUTH? do other Navajo men actually know to recite the files and how to decode them? that seems like it will take a very long time to learn.

my main takeaway from the episode is to not work for the government because they will ruin your life.

it was a good episode. a great episode, even. but I’m gonna need about 30 beach episodes to make up for it. and also for the og theme to come back because you can’t change that up on me once I’m in a pattern. 

[motorsportbarbie13]

The Yapping Hour Is Upon Us - Part 2

In which you spend the weekend in Miami as Max's personal guest.

Warnings: smut at the end ;) Pairing: Max Verstappen x Podcaster!Reader Word Count: 5k words (whoops) plus social media posts

Part 1 Master List

(a/n: holy shit you guys absoltely blew up part one (its sitting at 1.7k notes last time i checked in under 3 days??? like WHAT???) so here's the much requested part 2. LMK if you want a part 3! Also going to try something different with the tag list tonight, so bare with me as I figure this out!! xoxo)

You play with the hem of the cornflower blue sundress, nerves ratcheting up another notch when the car pulls into the race track. After you had wrapped up filming the podcast two weeks ago, Max had taken you out to one of his favorite London restaurants where you had spent the next nearly five hours talking about everything and nothing all at once. The only reason you had left was that the staff of the restaurant had started cleaning up around you, literally sweeping up under your feet and turning off the music as you had lingered over the last bits of your dessert together. 

The next day, Max had needed to go back to Milton Keynes to spend some time in the sim ahead of Miami weekend, unable to stay in London with you despite every bone in his body screaming that he didn’t want to leave you. It was weird, almost scary, to him how much space you took up in his thoughts so quickly. He didn’t usually get attached to anyone, much preferring to remain aloof and independent but in the two weeks that passed since he had seen you, he was unable (or unwilling, depending on who you asked, honestly) to think of anything else. The way you laughed, the way you smiled, the way you seemed to hang on every word that came out of his mouth simply mesmerized him. 

So now, here you were, two weeks later, moments away from seeing him again. Because while Max was down bad and trying not to blow this, you were also completely smitten with the Dutch driver. You had spent hours editing the first and second part of his episode yourself, something you hadn’t done in years, because you insisted you wanted to keep the integrity of the interview under your total control. Your video editor had seen the way you spoke about Max and just nodded, knowing that there had been something that sparked between you and him and that there would be no arguing about it with you. 

Max is in the garage when he gets the text from you that you’re in the parking lot waiting for him. As luck would have it, he’s just finishing up with some engineering meetings so he’s got some free time. He replies instantly, telling you to wait in the car for him and he’ll be right there. 

“I’m running out for a bit, GP. I’ll be back before FP1.” 

“I mean, you’d better be. Who else is going to get in that car? Horner?” 

Max chuckles, clapping his racing engineer on the back before slipping out the back of the garage. 

Max’s heart stalls when he sees the car you're in, nerves suddenly twisting in his gut. You two had been texting back and forth constantly since he left London the morning after you met. Evenings had been spent on FaceTime together when you could manage, but with your busy schedules it hadn’t been enough for Max. The relief he felt knowing you were less than 100 feet away had him swaying on his feet a bit. 

You knew Max was coming to meet you at the car but it had been a long drive from the airport, so while you waited you decided to stretch your legs. Max watches helplessly from a distance as the rear door on the SUV swings open, your bare legs making his mouth go dry when you hop out out of the car. 

It’s almost as if you sense his eyes on you, the weight of his gaze caressing your bare skin like the touch of a well known lover. It takes you a moment to recover when your eyes lock with his, the look on his face practically a billboard for how excited he is to see you. A wide grin spreads across your face when he starts towards you, heart tumbling down through your toes as he jogs your way. 

“Hi.” He breathes, stopping just short of gathering you up in his arms like he truly wants to. Despite how close you’ve grown over the last two weeks, Max reminds himself that it truly only has been two weeks and he doesn’t want to come on too strong. 

You look up at him, eyes sparkling with delight at finally being in his presence again. “Hey you.” You croon, nearly unable to stop yourself from throwing yourself into his arms. 

This kind of behavior was as out of character for you as it was for Max. You’d been burned by men in your life that were supposed to be there for you, love you, and protect you and so those walls had been put in place high and strong for years now . Something about Max made you question those defenses, wondering if he was going to be the one to stick around long enough to tear them down. While you tried to remain calm, objective, and aloof it was utterly impossible to act that way when you were around him. 

“How was your flight?” Max stuffs his hands in the pockets of his shorts, nerves turning the tips of his ears pink. He wants you in his arms so badly but didn’t want to push you away, didn’t want you thinking he had only brought you out to Miami this weekend for one thing. Because he hadn’t. He had simply wanted you by his side. 

“Well I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to fly commercial ever again, so I’ll be sending you the bill for all my private flights from now on.” You wink.

“You can use my jet whenever you want, schatje.” 

Your stomach does the same involuntary flip it does whenever he calls you that. At first it had been timid, slipped in at the end of a sentence almost like it was an afterthought or unconscious desire to claim you but as time goes on, Max settles into calling you either that or liefje more often than not. 

“Don’t tempt me.” You grin up at him, knowing that he fully means what he says. He’d absolutely let you use his jet whenever you wanted, all you had to do was ask. 

“So, your timing is really good.” Max nearly reaches for your hand but chickens out at the last minute, settling for just walking you back towards the car that sits idling behind you. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah, I actually have an hour and a half break before I have to be back for the first practice session so I thought I could take you over to the hotel, get you settled in. I booked you your own room, of course and thought you’d maybe like to take a shower or a nap during the first session and then I could have an intern get you so you can watch the sprint quali later this afternoon.” 

Your heart warms at the earnest look on Max’s face. The fact that he’s gone ahead and thought all of this through for you, clearly wanting to make sure you’re comfortable and taken care of all while you’re sure he’s overwhelmed with work, softens those well built walls arond your heart a bit more. 

“A shower and a nap does sound good.” 

Max smiles down at you, those blue eyes of his taking in every inch of your face like he’s trying to commit it to memory. “Good. Lets get you to the hotel then.” 

“Lead the way, Maxie.”  

yourpersonalinsta posted a story

story replies: user9029 girl drop the diet and workout routine plsss yourdad baby girl, i love you but put some clothes on >>>yourpersonalinsta love you too dad! maxverstappen1 are those my socks??? >>>yourpersonalinsta my feet got cold while you were gone playing with race cars. >>>maxverstappen1 i was literally working! and how'd you get into my room??? >>>yourpersonalinsta a lady never reveals her secrets, maxie ❤️ >>>maxverstappen1 i was right, you are trouble >>>yourpersonalinsta i prefer the phrase 'joy to be around'. pls hurry though back. i'm hungry and i may die of starvation in the next twenty minutes if you don't feed me. >>>maxverstappen1 do your fans know you're this dramatic??? >>>yourpersonalinsta why do you think they're my fans?

The rest of Friday blurs together in a watercolor wash of heat, and people, and sounds that you’re utterly exhausted by the time you tumble into your bed late at night.

Alone, thank you very much.

The wine that you had drank at dinner with Max and a few other drivers has heat pooling low in your belly as you watched Max watch you all night. You had wanted to invite him back to your room, but something kept those words from slipping out all night and Max had been the picture of respectable, simply dropping a kiss on your forehead before wishing you goodnight at your hotel room. 

Saturday’s sprint race is just as busy and loud as qualifying had been and by the time it’s over, you’re exhausted, hot, and sweaty. You’re over the moon when Max pulls off the win in the sprint, throwing your arms around his damp neck the moment you see him after his media duties are completed and he finds you waiting for him in front of Red Bull's hopsitality. 

“That was amazing Max. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had this much fun. You make it all look so easy.” You gush.  

“It looks like you’re my lucky charm now, schatje. Won’t be able to win without you.” 

You smile, cheeks aching a bit at how much you’ve been doing that this weekend. You’ve fit in so well with everyone it’s almost spooky, like your presence was expected and welcomed in the garage, slotting into Max’s world with uncanny ease. 

As you follow Max back to his driver’s room that’s tucked away in the back of hospitality, his hand reaches for yours almost unconsciously. When his fingers twine with yours, the butterflies that have taken up permanent residence in your stomach this week take flight yet again. If this is how you react when he reaches for you, you can’t imagine how you’re going to handle when he finally kisses you properly. 

The hallway is quiet and long, with Max’s room at the end of the corridor. You’re only about half way there when a sudden wave of nausea washes over you, stopping you in your tracks. “Woah.” You whisper, free arm bracing against the wall for support. 

Max turns to you in an instant, his handsome features a mask of concern. “You okay?” 

You blink a few times, trying hard to fight the impending fainting spell you can feel yourself hurtling towards. “I..ummm…I think so?” 

Max all but picks you up in his arms, ushering you the short distance that separates you from his drivers room. “Lets get you sitting down. Have you eaten today?” 

A blush creeps up your cheeks. “Not since breakfast.” 

Max frowns, “That was hours ago, liefje.” 

The room is small with just enough room for a couch, massage table, and closet but it does the job, serving as a quiet respite from the mayhem of the paddock. Max gently leads you over to the navy blue couch. “Sit. I’m going to get you some water and food. The heat in Florida is no joke.” 

You nod, already feeling a little better now that you’re sitting down. Max is gone for several minutes but comes back absolutely laden down with so much food, you can’t help but laugh. “Max, I don’t know who you think I am but I am not a 300 pound body builder.” You say though your giggles. 

Max looks a little embarrassed but just tuts at you, placing the plates (of which there are three) down on the table in front of you. “I didn’t know what you liked. You had fish at dinner last night, much to Lando’s dismay, but they’re cooking salmon tomorrow, even though I asked for some today for you.” 

The way your chest squeezes at his ramblings has nothing to do with the headache that’s forming between your eyes and everything to do with the man sitting next to you practically spoon-feeding you a roasted beet and goat cheese salad. You obediently open your mouth when he lifts the fork to your lips, only rolling your eyes a bit at his fussing. “I am an adult, Verstappen. I can feed myself.” You grumble between bites. 

“I know but just humor me.” 

You roll your eyes again but open your mouth, the beet and goat cheese salad actually tasting really good. 

“Good girl.” He coos, setting your thighs squeezing together on their own accord. 

Your eyes flicker up to his at the praise and something passes between you two, a little spark of heat igniting there in the small room. 

“I’m sorry.” You whisper after a few more bites, tension hanging thick between you as you're tucked up together on the small couch. 

“Don’t be.” He insists, pushing a bottle of icy cold water into your hands. “I’m just glad I was here to take care of you.” 

“Me too.” You breathe, acutely aware to how close his body is to yours.

The urge to kiss you overwhelms Max, and it's not the first time this weekend this has happened. He’s been fighting the ever strengthening desire to just sweep you up and haul you back to his hotel room since you first stepped out of the Range Rover yesterday afternoon. Truthfully, he’d been wondering what you taste like ever since he’d walked into that recording studio in London.

He couldn’t explain how or why but your sudden appearance in his life seemed like some cosmic shift under his feet, his entire existence adjusting to this new normal of being in your orbit. He’d spent the last two weeks listening to all five years of your podcasts, even finding some old work you’d done in college and with each episode he found himself falling further and further into a rabbit hole that he wasn’t sure he’d ever want to climb out of.

Max falls silent then and so do you, a comfortable quiet settling over the room. The spark that had ignited so innocently just minutes before begins to smolder into something that has the energy between you two shifting. Like the entire reason for you being here this weekend had led up to this very moment. 

You break the spell first, leaning in just a fraction closer to Max like he's is the magnet you’re elementally obligated to be attracted to. But Max is equally compelled in his desire to finally find out what you taste like so he closes the gap between your lips and his, mouth grazing yours with the slightest pressure. It starts out as a timid thing, unsure of if it should exist in such a charged atmosphere. Once it gains its footing though, the kiss lengthens and takes on a life of its own. 

You sigh into Max’s mouth like it’s a relief to finally have him kissing you. Max lifts the tips of his fingers to your chin so he can tilt your head upwards, allowing him to deepen the kiss to a more heated pace. Your fingers grip at his Red Bull polo, desperate for something to hold on to while the taste of Max races through your veins. 

Something akin to a purr rumbles in the back of your throat when Max’s hands sift through your hair and it grows a little hotter when he tugs on the ends, forcing your head back so the slender column of your neck is fully exposed to him. You try not to cry when his lips leave yours, unhappy with how you can’t taste him fully anymore, but that disappointment quickly evaporates when he trails open mouthed kisses towards the enticing hollow of your throat. 

“I’ve been wondering what you taste like since the moment I laid eyes on you.” Max murmurs against your heated skin. 

Your head spins at his words. So it hadn’t just been you that had felt the spark that first day. “Max.” His name is a reverent prayer on your lips, urging him to never stop touching you. 

Max thinks he could go the rest of his life without winning another race and he’d still die happy because he’d finally kissed you. “You drive me mad, liefje. I am utterly consumed by you and I have no idea how you slipped this far under my skin so quickly.” 

The words send shivers skittering down your spine and you find yourself leaning into his touch even more, heart hammering wildly against your ribcage. 

A sharp and sudden knock sends you leaping out of Max’s arms so quickly, you nearly fall to the floor. “Holy fuck.” You whisper, hand flying to your lips like they’ve been burned. 

“Christ.” Max breathes, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Yeah?” He calls, voice a strangled mess. 

“Uh…” The hesitation in the person’s voice told you that they knew they had interrupted something. “Max, Christian and GP wanted to go over a few more things before quali.” 

Max touches his forehead to yours, letting loose a breath to steady himself before he can answer. “I’ll be there in five.” He grumbles and you can hear the shuffle of feet retreating moments later. 

“You are going to ruin me, schatje.” Max murmurs, even though he has a feeling he was already ruined. 

You chuckle, rubbing your fingers over your swollen lips. You had never had a first kiss like that, ever. The way your body simply melted around Max like warm butter had your center turning molten. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.” You joke.

Max just shakes his head and chuckles before his face pulls serious again. 

“How are you feeling? Do you want to stay here and rest or come with me to the garage? I could have an intern take you back to the hotel?” Max lifts his hand so it frames your face, concern flickering across his features. Your chest constricts in the most delicious way when he pulls your hands into his lap. 

“I’m good. I think your kisses may have healing properties actually.” You flirt, gazing at Max from under long lashes. “If I’m not too in the way, I’d like to stay with you.” 

It crosses your mind then, a quick rabbit of a thought, darting across your consciousness that you’ve been so independent for so long, so bent on not relying on anyone for security or safety, only to have the entire rug of your resistantance ripped out from under you. It’s a gooey and warm feeling that you hope isn’t just a flash in the pan, although your gut tells you Max is the real deal. 

You hadn’t given yourself this freely to anyone in so long, panic grips at your throat for a moment, the desperate need to flee suddenly choking you. Just when the panic of what’s transpiring here threatens to pull you under, Max’s cool blue eyes yank you back to him where you belong. 

“I think I’m going to like having you by my side.” His breath fans out over your cheeks, pulling you further out of your tumble.

Max stands, sensing something shifting deep within you then. He saw something pass behind your eyes just then, the delicate shiver of hesitation. He’d been expecting it. No one who was as strong as you were got that way without having a story to tell. He knew that and had known this moment would come. What he hadn’t expected was to watch you pull yourself back from that precipice of panic. It had been a stunning thing to watch, even if the act was nothing more than a fleeting moment. But the way he watched you catch yourself spinning and knit yourself back together without so much as a whisper of a breath made him want to shield you from whatever had caused you the heartache to begin with. 

He holds his hand out to you, which you gladly take, and leads you towards the door while knotting his fingers up with yours. The nerves in your stomach settle with his touch and it sort of scares you, how well this man can read you so soon. This had been the last thing you had ever thought would happen when the man you were falling for walked into your life just 2 weeks ago. 

yourpersonalinsta posted

198,392 likes liked by maxverstappen1, redbull racing, and others yourpersonalinsta omg miami if this is how you introduce yourself to a girl, i can't wait to see how the first date goes! super proud of @/maxverstappen1 for winning the spring race today. next up: quali. user992 girl is auditioning to be the next WAG in the paddock >>>user020 seriously thirsting for nothing but clout this weekend maxverstappen1 told you you'd bring me extra luck this weekend >>>yourpersonalinsta ❤️ >>>user0093 oh this is interesting user9392 the fact that she was such a genuine fan of the sport before and now she's AT her first race as Max's guest all because of her podcast. i just... >>>user223 now i'm crying, thanks. redbullracing so fun having you in the garage today! excited for sunday! >>>yourpersonalinsta thank you for having me!

There was just something so enticingly attractive about watching Max race on Sunday that had you feeling embarrassingly needy for him by the time he got you back to his hotel room that night. As you had watched him on the podium that afternoon, you just knew how messy you’d be below him later that night.

“I think your performance this weekend has earned you a reward.” Your rasp, voice a husky whisper in his ear as you glue yourself to him in the elevator that evening.

Max cocks an eyebrow at you while his fingers grip at your hips. “Oh yeah? And what would that be, lifeje?”

“Why don’t you take me back to your room and let me show you.” You lick at his neck, savoring the taste of sweat and champagne that clings to him despite his shower at the track earlier.

Max’s groan is enough of an answer and when the elevator slows, signaling your arrival at his floor, you follow him out into the quiet hallway, giggling when he playfully grabs a handful of your ass.

You had tried to convince yourself the entire drive back to the hotel that this wasn’t how the night was going to end. It was too soon, you thought. This was the first weekend you had spent any time with him and you didn’t want Max to get the wrong idea about you. And then he had spent the entire drive back to the hotel with one hand inching higher and higher up on your bare thigh. His thick fingers traced random patterns on your tanned skin, until the very tips had slipped just under the hem of your dress and all thoughts had eddied right out of your head.

Max, meanwhile, had been thinking of this moment since the second he had climbed out of the car. He didn't want to push you but the need to learn how you sounded when he was buried deep inside you was was out of control.

The moment the door snicks closed behind you, you're shoving Max against the wall, utterly desperate to get your mouth on him. Sinking to your knees in front of him, hands trailing down his torso. Your fingers drag over the skin just above the waistband of his jeans, long nails sending a shudder down Max's spine.

"Let me taste you, Max." You moan, reaching for the buckle of his belt.

"Please." He begs as he sinks his hands deep into your hair.

You have to stifle a gasp when you free his thick cock from his boxers, pushing the soft cotton down to his ankles along with his jeans. He's already desperatly hard, dick all red and angry with arousal, practically begging you to take it in your mouth.

Max can hardly believe the sight before him. You down on your knees for him, lips mere millimeters from his raging hard-on, was probably the prettiest sight he'd seen in a long time. When you first wrap your lips around the tip, tongue darting out to taste the salty precum that he's already leaking, it takes every ounce of control Max has to not sink deep down your throat.

"Holy fuck, baby." He shudders, fingers gripping your hair even tighter. Max would be lying if he said he hadn't played out this exact scenario several times over the past two weeks, only it had been his own hand fisting his cock instead of your lips.

All you do is hum in response, the vibration of your voice sending sharp new shivers bolting down Max's spine. One hand snakes up his toned thighs, enjoying the thick muscles bunching and flexing as you take him deeper down your throat. Your other hand, however, trails down your own thighs, dipping below the hem of your dress to find your own already ruined panties wet with the arousal Max has already drawn from you.

"You like touching yourslef while you suck me off, pretty girl?" Max's voice is all gravel as his hips snap towards you, forcing you to take him even deeper into your mouth.

You look up at him, eyes watering, thick lashes matted with tears and smile the best you can with your lips wrapped around him. You continue your work, head bobbing up and down on his length, enjoying the way his dick is slick with your saliva, a bit of it dripping down your chin as you take him even deeper. You swear you could spend the rest of the night down on your knees with how good Max feels and tastes in your mouth, your own fingers buried deep inside you. The release you've been wanting all week starts to build and Max begins to feel it too.

Max knows he's not going to last much longer and he doesn't want to come quite yet. Gently he pulls you off, chuckling at the mewl of protest that slips past your lips when he pushes you off of him.

"Max." You whine, wanting nothing more than to swallow his release down your throat.

"Get on the bed, lifeje." He orders.

You scramble to your feet, disappointment at not making him come with your mouth quickly replaced with the anticipation of what you know is coming next. You've tried so hard to resist the fact that you've wanted this since the moment you saw him Friday afternoon but as you lay down on the bed and watch Max stalk towards you like a lion after his prey, all reservations evaporate into thin air. You know deep within your chest that this is what's supposed to happen right now.

"Dress off." He commands and the thrill of being ordered around flashes through you.

You follow his directions before laying back on the pillow, watching as Max reaches behind him back to strip off the sweaty team kit you hadn't bothered taking off before sucking his dick. A sudden wave of vulnerability sweeps over you as Max stands at the foot of the bed, eyes raking over your bare frame.

"You are the most beautiful creature I've ever laid eyes on." Max murmurs, sensing your hesitation at being so vulnerable in front of him. He doesn't want you to be nervous, needing you to know how utterly obsessed he is with you. It staggers him when he thinks about how deeply you've dug yourself under his skin in such a short time. You've barely spent longer than a few days together and he's already so deeply lost in you.

"Do something, Maxie." You beg, squirming under his heated stare.

His weight is heavy and delicious when he finally covers your body with his, notching his cock just outside your dripping core. Max reaches down, letting out a heated moan when he feels how wet you are for him. "You are soaked for me, gorgeous girl. God, how did I get so lucky? Have you been like this all fucking day, schatje?"

"Been desperate for you all fucking day, Max." You breath, your hips lifting up off the bed in a needy search for the friction you crave.

"Lets see if we can get you some relief, yeah baby?"

When Max sinks into you for the first time, you can't help the desperately needy whine that escapes from your mouth. His name is a prayer on your lips, every nerve ending in your body sparking to life. The stretch of his cock burns in the most delicious way. "So full." You cry as Max's hips meet yours when he slides into you completely.

Max doesn't quite understand how you're so blissfully tight and wet and warm all at the same time but he thinks it's the best feeling he's ever experienced. His head drops to the crook of your neck as he buries himself in you to the hilt, the base of his dick grinding against your clit. "Fuck, you're to tight around me baby. How do you feel this fucking good?"

You and Max fall into a rhythm, the only sound in the room are the quieted sighs slipping their way from your lips before Max can steal them from your throat. The friction is amazing and before he can quell it, Max feel the lick of fire coiling at the base of his spine, telltale sign that he's about to spill. “Won’t last much longer.” He pants, lips falling to suck at the skin at your neck. 

Max struggles to keep the pace up, diving into you with long, slow strokes that fill you up and empty you out over and over and over. Sweat forms on his brow that was tipped down in concentration and you have to resist the urge to lick it off. Every stroke deep into your pussy fills you up so fully it's almost too much. Too much sensation, too much heat, too much fullness. You can’t help the whines that slip from your lips but Max only encourages them by chanting your name over and over. 

“I know, baby. I know.” He coos in your ear as your muscles tense beneath him. “You’re doing so good for me, taking it all so good.” 

The praise is almost too much. “Don’t stop.” You beg when his fingers dip down between you to find your clit as he continues to stroke into you. Stars erupt on the back of your eyelids. “Holy fuck. Max.” You manage to bite out.

“Come for me. I want to feel you come all over my dick, please baby.” Blinding need consumes Max's entire existence, his full attention focused on the way you clench around him over and over.  

That’s all it takes. The command sends you hurtling over the edge, right into a spine tingling orgasm. Your body goes rigid for a moment under Max's weight but as quick as it starts, a boneless languid feeling sweeps through you as the endorphins flood your system. Your own climax has pushed Max over he edge and he comes hard, groaning in your ear as he rasps your name. 

Max collapses on top of you and you relish the heavy weight of his body on yours. Much too soon, he rolls off and you whimper, instantly feeling empty without him inside you. Max gathers you up in his arms though, the heat of his body quickly warming your chilled skin. Your hand settles on his chest, right over his heart, which is still racing.

“Jesus Christ, shactje.” Max finally breaks the silence, giving my hip a squeeze as he nuzzles into my hair. “You really are going to ruin me.”

maxverstappen1 posted:

838,291 likes liked by yourpersonalinsta, redbullracing, yourdad and others maxverstappen1: another great weekend with a good haul of points! Thank you Miami, you were good to us. On to the next! user2992 uh, max? care to explain that second photo >>>user92928 is that who I think it is??? yourpersonalinsta had so much fun with you this weekend! can't wait for the next one >>>maxverstappen1 ❤️ >>>user0221 EXCUSE ME. user0022 i ran into them late Sunday night at the hotel and let me tell you...there's nothing PR about their chemistry together. >>>user9288 i fucking KNEW it user05543 anyone else see @/yourpersonalinsta's dad in the likes!?

yourpersonalinsta posted

231,209 likes liked by maxverstappen1, redbullracing, charlesleclerc and others yourpersonalinsta after this weekend, i think i can consider myself officially a red bull girlie. blissfully excited i got to see a MV1 podium AND sprint win! thank you for letting me into your world @/maxverstappen1. can't wait til next time ❤️ maxverstappen1 gonna need you at every race now that you're my lucky charm. user9282 'thank you for letting me into your world' YOU EXPECT ME TO ACT NORMAL AFTER THAT CAPTION MA'AM??? >>>user7623 kicking my feet and giggling and i'm not even @/yourpersonalinsta omg redbullracing you're welcome in the garage any time!! >>>user9935 even admin has a crush! >>>maxverstappen1 @/user9935 i mean, how can you not??? >>>user9935 omg hi king. glad you know how amazing she is! don't hurt our girl, k??? >>>maxverstappen1 i would never ☺️ (liked by yourpersonalinsta)

maxverstappen1 private stories

story replies: yourpersonalinsta god i look good in navy >>>maxverstappen1 no more ferrari red for you, sweet girl >>>yourpersonalinsta miss you already 😢 >>>maxverstappen1 i know. i'll see you soon, promise >>>yourpersonalinsta ❤️ danielricciardo excuse me but WHAT THE FUCK >>>maxverstappen1 : 🤭 charlesleclerc oh she's got you using the lip biting emoji. it's over, pack it up boys. MV1 is officially off the market. >>>maxverstappen1 accurate though

@shelbyteller @martygraciesversion381 @anilovessadbooks @formulaal @longhairkoo @samantha-chicago @stelena-klayley @dark-night-sky-99

[lokidjarin-7567]

I Hate It Here

Kang Dae-ho x Reader After joining a mysterious game of life and death, you find solace in the company of another player, one so vibrant and optimistic it draws your mind from the horrors that await you. fem!reader, fluff, usual content warnings for Squid Game, guns, language, death etc, obvious spoilers for Squid Game season 2, mostly edited, not perfectly accurate to the episodes but close enough 5k words Part 2 of this fic is now up! Thank you for all of the love so far and I will be writing more Squid Game fics about other characters too so keep an eye out ;) TTPD Contents | General Masterlist | AO3

You hadn’t even considered that the weird guy who started shouting before the first game started would be telling the truth. That you could actually die here for money, or for entertainment, or for whatever the twisted fuckers who brought you here wanted. You figured he was just vying for attention, or trying to scare you all into backing out. Then you heard a gunshot.

After that moment, you followed every piece of advice he shouted out, satisfied he knew something you didn’t. You made it over the finish line, shocked and traumatised, thanks only to hiding behind someone a lot taller than you. You immediately collapsed on the dirt panting with exhaustion, a few tears falling from your eyes. What had you gotten yourself into?

You were relieved when Player 456 called for a vote to end the games, and even more relieved at the realisation that his number was only a little after your own. He was called to vote first, red X marking his jersey, and you followed suit just after him, lucky as Player 452 that you could get your voting over and done with quickly. He smiled at you, bowing his head slightly in acknowledgment, and you returned the favour, moving to stand beside him. You quietly celebrated with him when a player chose your side, and you watched as he tried to talk to the remaining people, explaining how he’d played before. Then you consoled him when it didn’t work. It came down to the last vote, the stress almost too much to bear, but as Player 001 was adorned in blue light from his selection, you realised you were stuck here, and you were close to crying again.

Player 456 automatically took you under his wing. There seemed to be another player that he knew, so you sat with them as you ate the provided food, dejected at the outcome, but grateful to at least have found some allies. You were trying to ask a few subtle questions about the game, but other players kept approaching your group. You shrunk back a little, avoiding the attention that came with being around the previous winner of the games, listening as people spoke of their admiration for him, and grilled him for information as to what was happening next.

You hadn’t noticed at first - a voice speaking from behind you - and honestly, you didn’t want to turn around, still feeling shy and awkward. Eventually, though, the crowd dissipated, and the source of the voice jumped down from one of the bunks. He was tall and lean, shoulder length hair pulled into a half-up half-down style, strays falling around his temples and framing his face. His smile was infectious, carrying from his lips to his eyes, which were rich brown in colour and full of joy and enthusiasm. You were transfixed by him as he introduced himself as Kang Dae-ho, quickly bonding with the man Player 456 knew thanks to their shared military history. He was the antithesis of you - so outgoing, so enthusiastic, so full of optimism. Even down to the blue circle that adorned his uniform; on most, it was a bad look, voting to continue at the risk of others, but on him, it seemed courageous.

His chattiness was as contagious as his smile, and as he joined your group to eat, you found yourself immersed in conversation with him: about the game, about the other players, about the members of your little makeshift crew. Even watching on and cheering together as Player 001 took down a few bullies in front of everyone. He was comfortable to be around. A welcome distraction that helped you forget where you were, or what you might have to do as the days passed.

And it was working. Until, after a while, the conversation lulled momentarily, and you couldn’t stop your mind from drifting to darker places. What the game might be. What it would involve. If it would ever really get as brutal as Gi-hun said it might…

You felt a gentle nudge on your arm, snapping you out of your spell at the sound of your name falling from Dae-ho’s lips.

“You good?” He muttered quietly, a hint of concern on his face. You had been talking for a few hours now, and you had done everything in your power to keep up your positive front, to pretend you were happy to be here but it was fading fast.

“Yeah, I’m just…”

“Scared?” A sigh of relief fell from your lips.

“Yeah.” He smiled softly, glancing around to see where the others were, before leaning in closer.

“Me too, honestly. Just trying not to show it…” There was a sincerity in his voice, a vulnerability that you could tell wasn’t fake. He wasn’t just saying it to make you feel better.

“Dae-ho…” you muttered, gesturing to the blue badge that signified his vote, “why did you choose to stay?” He shrugged, glancing back at the crowd of people who were starting to prepare for lights out.

“I need the money, and honestly, when I voted, I didn’t know anyone here. I figured it’s not like I’m personally killing anyone. No harm no foul, right? It’s just the way a soldier thinks, I guess. You don’t know who you’re shooting, just that they’re in the way of your victory. But now…” he paused a beat, his eyes darting over to where Jung-bae and Gi-hun were sitting, deep in conversation, before landing on you, eyes scanning your face with a curious intensity. “I’ll do everything to keep my team alive.” You couldn’t help but laugh coldly. The sentiment was sweet, sure, but there were no guarantees.

“From what Gi-hun told us, it might not be a team game. It could be something completely out of our control…”

“I’m hopeful!” He exclaimed, the optimistic, puppy-like demeanour back as he grinned at you.

“I’m glad someone is.” The intercom informed you that it was 10 minutes until lights out, and you couldn’t help but let out a shuddering breath. You weren’t looking forward to that - trying to sleep in a dark room filled with hundreds of people you didn’t know. Desperate people.

“Let’s find our beds for the night?” Dae-ho prompted, standing and offering his hand to help you up. You took it, smiling at him thankfully and glancing around for the other members of your team, palm feeling cold when his touch left it. “Look, there are two next to each other just above where Gi-hun has set his things down. We can bunk close together so you know you’re safe. I’m a light sleeper!’ His constant proactivity in making you feel safe and comfortable was warming your heart, but simultaneously causing a bout of nausea and anxiety that rose from your gut. One of you might die tomorrow in these twisted games. He would betray you in a heartbeat to keep himself alive, regardless of his sentiments. And despite that, you're already starting to trust him.

He was right though; he was a light sleeper. A few hours in and you hadn’t slept at all yet, fear clouding every corner of your mind, and the only thing soothing you was the soft purr of his snores. Eventually, you couldn’t help but sit upright, a quiet but frustrated sigh escaping your lips as your hands ran across your face and through your hair. His voice muttered your name, and you glanced over in shock to see him slowly sitting up in his bed, his tired eyes raking over you with concern.

“What’s wrong? Are you ok?” You pulled your legs to your chest, nodding at him before resting your head onto your knees.

“Can’t sleep.” You muttered as a sorry excuse of an explanation, but it seemed to convey what you really meant, his head cocked in worry.

“Can I help at all?” You opened your mouth to reply, to tell him that you'd be ok, but he continued before you had a chance. “Maybe you should try falling asleep before me. I’m going to be awake for a while now anyway, I can keep watch.” You were going to protest, to tell him to rest up and keep his energy for tomorrow, but honestly… it might help you. Just knowing he was keeping an eye out could get you a few hours of rest at least.

“…would that be ok?” You asked timidly, but he nodded with his now signature enthusiasm.

“Of course! I told you I’d protect you, I’m keeping my end of the bargain.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. Please, just get comfortable.” Your body instinctively laid down as close to him as possible, only the bars between the bunks separating you, curling up on the small bed and settling in. You closed your eyes, exhausted beyond belief, but the moment you did, panic overtook you. It was irrational, sure, but before, when you couldn’t see him, you could hear him snoring so you knew he was still there. Now, it was dead silent. Your arm reached forwards instinctively, avoiding the metal posts to meet the soft fabric of his uniform, fingers latching on securely. You blushed at your own response to fear, grateful to the dark surrounding you, but as you felt him shuffle closer, allowing you a firmer grip, all of your nerves dissipated, your body finally giving in to exhaustion.

You woke to loud classical music and the intercom announcing that the next game will be starting shortly. You blinked your eyes open, groaning already at the aches forming in your body and the speed of your heartbeat at the thought of the horrors today might bring. But then, you felt a hand softly close around your forearm, giving a gentle squeeze of encouragement. You glanced down to see where your hand was still clasped around the edge of his T-shirt, the back of your fingers grazing the warm skin of his stomach, his own arm draped atop yours from where he lay on your side. You blushed furiously, untangling your arm from his and sitting up as casually as you could manage, rubbing the back of your neck in an attempt to hide your red cheeks.

“Hey…” he muttered sleepily, shifting to sit up too, and your body automatically turned to him, as though after just a few hours of knowing him, you were programmed to seek his voice out and follow it. “Remember what I said, ok? Stick by me today. If it’s Dalgona like Gi-hun said, pick triangle, and if not, we’ll work it out.” You couldn’t do much but nod, nerves and fear clouding your senses. You just focussed on putting one foot in front of the other, climbing out of bed and lining up with the rest of the players in the centre of the room. When the guards starting walking, you followed wordlessly until you reached the game room, the only thing keeping you from breaking down was the knowledge that Dae-ho was right behind you.

Gi-hun’s confused expression when you entered the room confirmed everything you needed to know - you wouldn’t be playing Dalgona today. However, Dae-ho’s optimism from the day before was well-placed, as the speakers announced that players should arrange themselves into teams of five. It was an easy pick. At some point during the night or morning, Gi-hun had reconciled with Player 001, and he honestly seemed like a solid addition to the team. He had physical skill - you’d seen that during the fight - and he had a seriousness about him that made you feel confident.

They announced the games, and your heart dropped. As the only girl on the team, you knew they’d ask you to play gonggi, and it just wasn’t something you’d played. As the inevitable question came, you shook your head in shame.

“I’m sorry, I never had anyone to teach it to me.” Your heart broke at the disappointment on your teammates faces.

“I can play gonggi.” Dae-ho piped up from beside you, and you breathed out in relief.

“An ex-marine playing gonggi?” You heard Jung-bae pipe up, and you couldn’t help but frown at his comment. You could immediately hear the pride drain from Dae-ho’s voice as he replied, and you glared at the older man, hoping to quietly convey your disappointment in him.

“I have four older sisters, so I played with them sometimes.” Jung-bae started to backtrack and encourage him, but you couldn’t help but think about why Dae-ho felt like he had to defend himself. It was such an endearing trait - a softer side that you valued and trusted in an ally - and yet he was explaining why it was ok to be good at a kid’s game. It made you feel sad for him. You interrupted Jung-bae’s forced sentiment slightly harshly.

“I’m good at flying stone. I used to bet the boys in my class that I could beat them and won every time.” Jung-bae looked as though he was going to say something, but Dae-ho spoke up first with a wide smile that calmed your nerves.

“Perfect! We’re lucky to have an expert with us. What about the rest of you?”

The rest of the team decided their roles quickly, Jung-bae sarcastically stating if he couldn’t play flying stone like he wanted, ddakji was his next best choice. You just shrugged. Gi-hun settled on jegi, and Player 001 seemed happy with what was left to him, so now, all you had to do was wait.

The first race was awful. It felt like a car crash you couldn’t bring yourself to look away from as the second player in their team missed in flying stone over and over and over again. Your team were discussing strategies based on how they were doing, how missing the stone eats up time as you have to fetch it, but you just felt a lump form in the back of your throat. If you failed this, all of you would die. The timer hit zero as he finally struck the stone, and you ripped your eyes away just in time, covering your ears and staring at the floor as the sound of gunshots ricocheted throughout the room. You eventually opened your eyes as the pink guards carried large gift boxes into the room that you could only assume were coffins for the dead, and turned to glance at Dae-ho in horror. He wasn't looking at his surroundings, practicing his part of the game with some small stones, but there was a noticeable shake in his hands that hadn’t been there before.

It was hours before it was your turn, and you were already exhausted before even playing. Watching everyone else, being so invested in each and every person’s survival, constantly thinking about how you could improve on their methods for their own attempt - it had taken its toll. And now, it was finally time for you to do it. You looped your arms around Jung-bae’s and Dae-ho’s, ankles already bound together, and he gave you one last smile of encouragement before you set off. You moved in accordance to Gi-hun’s shouts, reaching the ddakji station before you knew it. It only took two attempts and it flipped, the excitement of your group palpable as you continued to the next game. Your turn.

Your hands were shaking as you took the stone from the guard, almost so much that you dropped the damn thing. You tried to breathe deeply, to calm yourself down, but your mind wouldn’t stop returning to that first race, to the player who missed over and over…

Warm hands surrounded your own, snapping you out of your thoughts and grounding you. Dae-ho spoke, and you looked up at him, fear etched into your features.

“Breathe. Remember how you used to do it. You’re just on the playground winning a bet. Steady your hands, breathe, and throw.” You nodded along as he spoke, breaths returning to normal just long enough to compose yourself, crouching slightly. Like a skipping stone. As it left your hand, you cursed quietly. You were worried that it was too high, not quite the right angle, but by some miracle, it caught the top of the stone, toppling it just with the lightest touch. You could’ve cried as the Circle guard raised his hands above his head to mimic the shape on his mask, relieved that you wouldn’t be at fault if your team didn’t make it.

Dae-ho’s arm was like a vice as you made your way to the next game, his own nerves now evident. He gathered the gonggi in his hand, feeling the weight of them, and you and Player 001 leant slightly away from him to give him the space he needed. Jung-bae started to speak, throwing some generic words of encouragement his way, but you shushed him quickly. He’d told you earlier that he concentrated better when it was silent, so you intended to make sure that he had the conditions he needed. You watched as he let out a breath in preparation, then began, moving with speed and accuracy that left you in awe. As he held out his fist to the guard, and they approved, you couldn’t help but quickly wrap your arm around him, a short celebration before moving to the next section.

It took Player 001 a long time to complete the Spinning Top. You couldn’t help but flinch every time he failed, glancing up at the time in worry as he cursed himself out over and over. Gi-hun set him straight, calming him down quickly and reminding him of everything at risk, and he finally succeeded. The last portion of the race passed in a blur of seconds, Gi-hun quickly completing Jegi with the help of Player 001 before stumbling over the finish line, unexpected tears falling from your eyes in relief. You had actually made it, all of you had…

Gunshots rung out in the room, and you screamed, instinctively ducking down, your hands flying to your ears. It wasn’t until your heartbeat returned to normal and the guards started to unlock your ankle restraints that you realised Dae-ho had wrapped himself around you, one arm pulling your face into his chest, your head nestled tightly in his hand and folding the rest of himself around you. You tried to move, legs now free, but he wasn’t budging. You could feel his heart hammering against his chest, breaths shaky as they fanned against your neck. You pulled your hands from your ears, pressing them to his chest and gently easing him back to standing. That seemed to snap him back to reality a little, but he looked confused, still shaking.

“Hey, Dae-ho…” you muttered, and his eyes finally settled on you, looking like a deer caught in headlights, “it’s ok, they didn’t shoot us. We’re alive, we’re ok…” You could almost see the cogs turning in his mind as you said that, the confusion and fear slowly giving way to relief, breaths steadying as his eyes frantically scanned your body for signs of injury.

“We’re ok?” He whispered, and you nodded.

“We’re all good. Nobody got hurt. We did it.” He nodded, the gravity of what you said finally hitting him. He smiled, but his eyes still looked far away, like he wasn’t quite grounded yet. “Let’s go back to the dorms, yeah? Then vote to get the fuck out of here.” He just nodded again, and you led him from the room, following the rest of your team, who kept glancing back at him with a concerned expression.

By the time you got back to the main room, though, he was back to his usual enthusiastic self, excitedly discussing voting plans with the rest of your team, and encouraging everyone on their prowess in their individual games. Despite your victory, it seemed that you all wanted to leave, happy with the money as it was and wanting a fresh start outside of this hell. But as the voting commenced, it didn’t take long for the O side of the tally to tick up, and by the time you and Gi-hun got to vote - the last out of everybody - it didn’t matter. The circles had already won.

Dinner was a silent affair: Gi-hun, Player 001 and yourself eating quietly while Dae-ho kept guiltily glancing to where Jung-bae had extradited himself, his traitorous blue badge burning your eyes as though it was a bright neon sign. Eventually, he stood, pulling the older man almost by the scruff of his neck over to where the rest of you were and having a quiet, frustrated conversation with him. You sighed as Dae-ho dragged him to stand in front of you all, looking at you expectantly as Jung-bae just looked sheepish. You sighed. No point losing an ally over something you couldn’t change now.

“It’s not like you voting to leave would have changed a whole lot, we were outvoted by more than one person…” The subsequent onslaught of thanks almost made you want to take it back, but the joy and pride in Dae-ho’s face made it worth it.

While you pretty much knew each other’s names already, he decided this would be a good time for everyone to introduce themselves properly, starting with himself. He explainied that his name meant ‘big tiger’, and it made you giggle. It was fitting - a hard and brutal exterior when needed, but ultimately a softy beneath it all. You heard everyone else’s, finally learning that Player 001 was called Young-il, just like his number, but when it got to you, you had to explain that you weren’t sure what your name meant.

“We could always give it a meaning,” Gi-hun piped up, and you laughed.

“Like what?”

“Maybe… good at throwing.” You laughed again as his face crumpled in shame at his own attempt, the others chiming in to better him.

“Loud snorer!” Jung-bae exclaimed, earning an offended ‘hey’ thrown in his direction.

“Good teammate?” Young-il said, and Gi-hun scoffed.

“That one’s just lazy! What about pretty hair?”

“You don’t name someone after their hair!”

“Kind angel.” Dae-ho said proudly, and you honestly felt close to tears as everyone else stopped bickering to agree with him. You smiled thankfully as his eyes met your’s, laced with warmth and care. Maybe it would all be ok if you stayed a little longer.

"Ok, big tiger, kind angel it is."

“When we survive the next game and finally get to leave this place…” You had been talking for well over an hour now, and you had given up correcting his ‘when’ statements to ‘if’. His optimism was so sweet it hurt your teeth, but if it helped him cope with being in here, then they could rot for all you cared. “What do you want to do?”

“Well, I want to pay off my debt first…”

“Obviously.” He said with a laugh. “I mean fun stuff.” You smiled sadly, staring at your shoes.

“Honestly? I’ve been in survival mode for so long now I haven’t thought about fun stuff since I was young.” You paused a beat, glancing back up at him. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to bum you out.” He just shrugged.

“That’s ok, I know what you mean. But you should. Think of something fun, I mean. Might help you get through this.” You couldn’t fault his logic, but it took you a minute before you could remember anything.

“When I was a kid, I read about the Bahamas being a magical place where there were black and pink sand beaches, and that you could swim with pigs in the sea there… it sounded so peaceful and picturesque. I think I’d like to visit one day.”

“That sounds amazing…” he replied, wistfully looking at the ceiling. You were keeping watch together, your team peacefully sleeping under the beds behind you, and the silence their absence left seemed to be goading you to keep talking.

“We could go together. A few weeks, no stress, just sunbathing and swimming and…” It had slipped out before you could stop it, and you could feel the sentiment bouncing around the room, loud and weighty. There was a charged moment of silence, his eyes drifting from the ceiling to you, scanning your face for signs of insincerity. He wouldn’t find any.

“That would be perfect.” You smiled in relief, but it was short lived, both of you whipping your heads to the door frantically as you heard a knocking echo in the dark space. You found the source of the noise quickly though - Players 120 and 149 requesting to use the bathroom. You watched the scene play out quietly, smiling at the older woman’s dramatic display as they were finally let through by the guards, and the space fell into a stifling silence once again.

“What are you going to do when you get out of here?”

“We.” He corrected you quickly, and you blushed.

“Fine, when we get out of here.” He paused, fiddling with the collar of his jacket and pulling it up to cover the lower half of his face, fingers twirling the zip as he pulled his knees to his chest.

“I want to take you to see my hometown. My family still live there, and I know my sisters would love you. They could even teach you gonggi too, if you wanted.” A tear fell to your cheek, the tenderness of it all hitting you quickly. “Maybe buy a little place there and one in Seoul, so I can visit them as much as I want. Spend weekends by the water there. Not as exciting as the Bahamas, granted…” You rested your head on his shoulder, blinking back the tears and swallowing hard to clear the emotion from your voice. It didn’t work.

“That would be perfect.”

It scared you how much you trusted him so quickly. It hadn’t even been two days and you found yourself daydreaming of a future with him. A future where you didn’t have to do shit like this for money. A future where you both found good jobs, earning enough to keep you comfortable. A future where you could start over with the help of the money you earned here. A future worth living for. You’d always been sceptical, but maybe trauma bonding was a real thing after all.

“Dae-ho?” A sleepy voice behind you muttered, and you both turned to see Gi-hun shuffling out from beneath the one of the beds. You had all decided to make doubles when you were setting up earlier with the bunks that were already next to each other, sliding two mattresses together and having a buddy to make it safer, Jung-bae opting to sleep alone in shame. Young-il followed him out, yawning dramatically and rubbing his eyes. “You guys have been up for a long time, let us swap out for a while.”

“Are you sure?” You asked, but Young-il yawning had set you off, following suit even though you tried to suppress it. They just gave you that look dads use instead of saying ‘I told you so’. “Yeah, yeah, ok fair enough.”

Dae-ho shuffled in first, and you followed. It was cramped, sure, but there was just enough room for you to sleep on your side or turn over, so you didn’t feel claustrophobic. As you made your way in, you realised how dark it was, evidenced by the fact you only found where Dae-ho was when you bumped into him, your arm pressing into his. A few moments passed and you stayed like that, finding comfort in the warmth he provided you with, and the soft sound of his breathing. Then you felt it. One of his fingers delicately tracing a line up the back of your hand. Your breath hitched, then evened out as the patterns he drew soothed you, and you couldn’t stop your head from lulling towards him to rest on his shoulder once more. Wordlessly, he withdrew his arm from beside yours and slid it underneath your neck, his hand falling to your shoulder, gently pulling you closer without being forceful. You allowed him to move you however he wanted, following his guidance and twisting until you were on your side, letting your leg drape over his and your hand fall to his chest. Your head ended up nestled into his neck as his arm kept tightening around you, hand eventually resting on your waist. You settled further into him with a contented sigh, his other hand meeting yours and enveloping it, the warmth and comfort alongside the rise and fall of his chest almost sending you straight to sleep.

It was a few minutes before you heard him speak, and even then you couldn’t be sure it was real. You were so close to drifting off, and his voice was barely audible, lips ghosting across your scalp.

“Promise me…” he whispered, quiet and vulnerable, “that we’ll make it out of here?” He sounded so broken. You lifted your entwined hands to your lips, pressing a soft kiss to his knuckles that you hoped conveyed reassurance before tucking your joined hands close to your body.

“I promise.” His own lips found themselves on your forehead, the lightness of the touch leaving your skin tingling and a content blush fanning across your cheeks. His hands squeezed yours tighter as exhaustion began to pull you under, and all you could think was how badly you’d fucked yourself over. That even if you somehow made it out of this place, if it was without him, it would feel worthless.

"Goodnight, kind angel."

-> part 2

[bejeweledinterludes]

❝ aw, crap. ❞

❝ i’m a painted whore. ❞

「 pairing 」 : dean winchester x fem makeup ! wearing reader

「 summary 」 : after a near-death experience on a hunt, you stop wearing your usual everyday makeup, not thinking too much of it. but when you meet up with the winchester brothers for a hunt, dean notices. a lot.

「 word count 」 : 1.7 k

「 warnings 」 : swearing, suggestive content, dean n reader being idiots, sam being a godsend (as always)

tags (based off of this post): @blossomingorchids @illicithallways @k-pevensie28 @sunsbaby @theeyesofasoldier @alediao @cowboysandcigarettes

also PLEASE tell me you guys get the title ?! it’s from the spn episode “the french mistake” (s6 , ep15) when dean says he’s a ‘painted whore’ bc he had makeup on hehe anyways enjoy pookies !!!

𖤐 ────────────────────────

as you got older, you started to like makeup less and less. and it wasn’t because you were even bad at it— but over time, it just… got in the way.

especially on hunts. whether you completely sweated off your eyeshadow or left smears of foundation all over the collars of your fed threads, it was becoming more and more of a chore than one of your favorite things to do.

and the worst part was, you almost died from it. 

it had been a simple solo rugaru hunt that you were on about a few months ago in the summertime down in the middle of arizona. so it was hot. and you sweated. a lot. so much so that your mascara started to run and burn in your eyes, making you temporarily impaired— which resulted in almost being that rugaru’s dinner.

after that, you swore off makeup completely. a little concealer and the waterproof mascara that your friend swore was “sob-proof” was the farthest you’d go on a good day— saving a full face only for special occasions, being undercover, or not when you were deep in the thick of it somewhere in the american wilderness.

. • . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . 𖤐

you got a call from the winchester brothers in minnesota a few days ago. you’d been finishing up a wendigo hunt in the next state over when sam called you, asking if you had a minute.

and you always had a minute for the winchesters.

you were already heading their way by the time you hung up the phone, meeting up with them outside the sheriff’s office in your fed threads to get info on the people who had gone missing in the past week under strange circumstances.

sam clapped you on the back in greeting— dean too, at usual. but they both were internally recognizing the fact that you looked a little… different.

but not a bad different.

no, it was almost like you looked… younger or something. which was weird, because you didn’t trust witches or fairies just as much as they did— so a youth potion or some sort of spell was out of the question. 

sam, being sam, immediately recognized without any help that it was because you were wearing less makeup. even now, years and years later, he still remembered the first time he saw jess without makeup on (like he’d ever forget), and remembered how bashful she’d been because of it. with that, sam knew makeup was almost like protection for the wearer.

so he made a point of not saying anything about it to you— because despite popular belief, he wasn’t just book smart.

and when the two brothers trailed behind you inside the sheriff’s station, he quickly shut down dean’s questioning look and mutter of “why the hell does she look so sexy different?” with a swift “don’t you say anything.” to his older brother— to which, dean pouted, left to put the pieces together himself. 

and dean couldn't figure out why he was so infatuated with you all of a sudden.

well, actually, dean did know, but he didn’t want to actually admit it.

because that would mean changing things.

and as much as he wanted to, he wouldn’t allow things to change between you and him. no, he couldn’t. you were one of the only good things— good friends in his life, and he’d be damned if he was going to ruin yet another thing because he couldn’t keep his goddamn mouth shut over some stupid crush.

but something about you was different, he knew it. and over the days on the hunt with the guys, when you all were doing research or talking to people to get info, dean would find himself just… staring at you.

hard.

because now, dean could see clear as day that tinge of pink seep into your cheeks whenever you laughed too hard at something, or got embarrassed— and not to mention the way your eyes still seemed to just light up, even without the usual help of your glittery highlighter that always doubled as your eyeshadow.

he was losing his mind.

you honestly didn’t even really notice it at first. but then again, you didn’t notice a lot of things when it came to dean and you.

he thought he was being obvious with this annoying ass crush for years now— so did sam.

well, he thought, maybe you did notice; you just chose not to mention it for fear of making things awkward.

but in reality, it was because you also had a raging crush on dean. and because of the worry that you were really just imagining all the times you caught dean looking at you when he thought you weren’t paying attention.

the whole ‘not-noticing’ thing sounds a whole lot better out loud, though.

. • . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . 𖤐

which brings you up to right now— sitting with the brothers in some mom-and-pop burger joint after spending the morning talking to the families of the people who had gone missing. it seemed weird to be eating lunch while people were disappearing left and right.

but something pulls you out of your thoughts. you could literally feel eyes on you. you glanced around the hazy sun-lit diner, trying to find the culprit— until you snapped your head to dean sitting directly next to you in the booth, who quickly averted his green eyes back to his plate.

but not quick enough. because you actually, truly, caught him this time.

despite the win, you’re internally freaking out (because jesus, did you really look that bad without makeup on?), but you follow dean’s suit, looking back down at your own food and popping a fry in your mouth smoothly. you were always good at that— keeping a poker face even when you were less than the epitome of calm.

“you wanna take a picture or somethin’?” you inquire cooly between chews— and silently wishing you’d at least put on concealer today.

dean’s eyes immediately flick back up to your side profile— and sam looks up from his salad across from you and dean.

“w—” dean half-smirked nervously with a short chuckle, looking between you, his plate, and sam like he hadn’t just been ogling you mere seconds ago before looking back down at his plate again. “no. it’s just that—”

dean’s words were cut off by a swift kick to his leg under the table from none other than his own brother— shooting a warning glance at dean before he could finish.

son of a bitch— dean shot a glare at his brother right back, glancing back over at you and muttering “‘s nothin’.” and shaking his head before going back to his food.

“y—” your eyes flicked between the two brothers. that stupid silent communication thing they always did wasn’t lost on you for a second. “w— it’s obviously something. jus’ tell me what’s goin’ on, guys.”

dean glanced back up at you— a huge mistake, because he was taken aback by your more concern rather than anger towards him for staring. classic you. never, ever angry at him, even when he knew he damn well deserved it. that was only one of the many reasons why he lov— liked you.

dean then glanced from you to his little brother, possibly for some sort of saving grace, but he was only met with a warning expression from sam, mixed with something else— that familiar look they gave each other all the time that screamed “you opened your mouth, jerk, so you fix it. and if you fuck this up, i’ll kill you dead”.

great.

dean made the next terrible decision of looking back to you— and god, you were looking right back at him. with those gorgeous eyes, only mixed with mild curiosity and concern. your gaze held no malice, eyebrows slightly scrunched together with that look you always had when you were trying to figure him out. 

oh, you could figure him out, alright. with you under or on top of him. naw, he didn’t care, just as long as it was both of you moving and skin-to-skin, with those pretty lips gasping for air and moaning his name over, and over, and over—

“somethin’s different.” dean blurts out, internally kicking himself just as sam had done earlier to shake the filthy images that had seeped into his mind.

“different,” a sharp pang of nervousnes but mostly that same curiosity spreads across your senses— you tilt your head a little at dean, brows furrowing just a little more, repeating the word flatly. “different how?”

“i—” the words get caught in dean’s throat, and he hesitates. “well, y’know, it’s, uh… i mean, you look—”

“better,” sam finally interjects with the truth, sick of dean tripping over simple goddamn words. he leans into the table a little to get your attention before slumping back in the booth, rolling his eyes slightly at his brother before looking at you with that soft look he always seemed to have, nodding. “you look better. that’s all. did ya do something different?”

oh. oh.

you look back to dean next to you— the way he was pointedly not looking at you at all anymore was enough to confirm what sam was saying. 

“w—” it was your turn to be momentarily speechless, taken aback by sam’s words— and pink appeared on your cheeks, full-throttle before you leaned back against the vinyl, gathering yourself.

you then sheepishly explained what had happened with the rugaru, which ultimately led to your decision to abandon putting on a full beat for ganking monsters. you continued on, saying it was less stuff to pack, and now you could sleep in as much as sam and dean did— besides, it’s not like it even mattered to them anyway.

right?

sam nodded and agreed understandingly— as he always does.

dean just hummed in response, completely and grossly interested in his food again— as he always was.

you nodded too, giving the brothers one last look before delving into a theory you had on the case to sam. and you really thought that was it. 

or so you believed. 

but the truth was, dean could not be any happier with your decision to ditch makeup for the time being. 

because dean was starting to realize that he really liked you without it on.

───────────────────────── 𖤐

[latteodyssey]

Stay-at-home Dates | Batboys x Reader ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

masterlist

Bruce Wayne One thing about Bruce: He is a tired man, he’s days are exhausting, to say the least. With managing Wayne Enterprises to being Gotham’s dark knight — he rarely has time to relax, so when he gets the rare opportunity to be home with you, his first instinct is to rest. He’s a fan of old-school romance, and a candlelit dinner or a cozy fondue night is his idea of the perfect evening.

Dick Grayson Dick loves the intimacy of cooking together and enjoys indoor picnics. The quiet moments shared over food make for some of his best memories. He’s also all about living room karaoke, turning a simple night in into an impromptu concert.

Jason Todd You and Jason started a mini book club, just for the two of you. With you in his life, he also discovered a love for pampering himself—something he never allowed himself to do before, hiding behind tough exteriors and emotional walls. Now, you’ve dedicated entire days to treating him with the love he deserves: think robes, scented candles, face masks, foot massages, and bubble baths.

Tim Drake Tim is also a fan of naps, especially when he can curl up next to you. When he’s awake, he enjoys when the both of you watch random documentaries together. He’s also into building complex Lego sets with you, he created a collection of all the ones you finish together, and it’s become one of your favorite bonding activities.

Damian Wayne Pottery nights have become a staple in you and Damian’s date nights, and he’s (not surprisingly) skilled at it. He keeps the pieces you both create, even using them in his daily life. You often catch him sipping from a mug you made him, even if it’s a little lopsided. Painting nights have also found a soft spot in his heart—they’re a quiet way for him to enjoy his day with you.

Duke Thomas Duke is all about board and card games for a cozy night in. He also secretly loves your reality and drama TV marathons, accompanied by lots of snacks. At first, he pretended to be uninterested in it due to it being drama-filled, but now it’s your shared guilty pleasure, and he’ll get genuinely upset if you watch an episode without him.

[caramelkoo]

warm as you

pairing : Jungkook x reader

genre : established relationship, boyfriend jungkook yayyy.

summary : Jungkook gives you a little surprise which causes you to fall more in love with him.

warnings : Jungkook is nervous as hell, he's so in love with the oc, oc can't help but baby him, slight smut, fluff, lots of kissing <3, act of service and quality time as love languages.

a/n : hey angels, I saw the latest episode of "are you sure?!" and couldn't help but write this little piece. Jungkook is such a roundie. I hope you enjoy and let me know how you like it. xoxo.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

To be very honest, you've never been a morning person but when you're with the love of your life, your boyfriend, you can't help but eagerly wait to sleep next to him and wakeup next to him. He has a way of waking you up with kisses on your smooth skin and fingers through your brown locks.

Your eyes want to flutter open but you know once you're awake, he will stop and that's something you don't want. Jungkook's lips graze yours lightly causing you to break into a slight smile. His lips peck your forehead gently following with your cheekbones, your closed eyes, your nose, your chin and lastly the hollow of your neck.

"I love you, sweetie. Good morning, i know you're awake." he whispers and much to your surprise, he knows you've been pretending to sleep.

you chuckle and open your eyes, looking at him with so much love. His eyes sparkle like stars above you. No one has loved you like this and honestly, you don't want anybody else to do so. The bond that you share with your boyfriend is different and special.

"Morning"

He caresses your left cheekbone, a lazy smile on his face. It's soft and everything pure.

"What do you wanna do today?" you ask him.

"Is wanting to be in your arms an option?" he nuzzles his face in your boobs. Purring like a cat.

"I don't think that's a bad idea" your hands rub his back up and down, up and down.

"God, I love hugging you. You're so warm, so cozy. It's my own personal heaven" Jungkook puts his whole weight on you, being careful now to crush you in the process.

He makes you feel safe, protected whenever he wraps his arms around you. Being physically affectionate has not been hard for you when it came to him. Physical touch, as much as you hate to admit, is hard for you to receive. You've been uncomfortable with people touching you plenty of times but with Jungkook, it has never been the case. You don't know why but he's had a certain warmth to him ever since you met him. It radiates and lights you up.

"I know, baby. I love hugging you too."

You both stay like this for a while before he grunts and lifts his face from your neck.

"Want me to make you some coffee?" he asks because he knows you can't function throughout your whole day without starting it off with a cup of coffee.

One thing about Jungkook is he's going to notice. He notices the tiniest of things and he's made a mental note of making you coffee every morning just the way you like it.

"Yes, please. I want something sweet to go with it too."

"Pancakes?"

"Perfect. You're the best" you kiss his cheek twice before he gets himself up and walk outside towards the kitchen. Before he opens the door, you call him out.

"Yeah, sweetie?" he looks back, shirtless and you try not to say something entirely different and nasty.

"I love you, too" his lips turn upwards before he leaves the room.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

After you and Jungkook finish your breakfast, he suggests reading together in the hall. Since it's a slow Sunday morning and you both have nothing else to do, you agree. Quality time with him is another thing you cherish the most. He knows that when it comes to receiving, it's one of your preferred love languages.

Since the day you let him know this tiny piece of information, he has tried his best to make it happen for you. Reading, baking, pottery classes, trying out new recipes, even letting you do his makeup, he has done it all.

"What are you reading?" Jungkook asks after picking up a book for himself and sitting beside you on the couch.

"I have been wanting to read this romance book for a while. You're reading thriller again?"

"You know it's my favorite" indeed it is. The thriller section on the bookshelf gives it away.

For the next twenty minutes or so, you both read quietly. Jungkook eventually puts his head on your lap demanding your hands in his hair. You chuckle lightly before giving in and run your fingers through it.

"Your hairs are so soft"

When you look down upon him, he has closed his eyes and gotten rid of the book.

"It's your shampoo"

"My shampoo? You've been using my shampoo?" you're a little surprised but not offended. On the contrary, you find it a little cute.

"Sweetie, it smells like vanilla and I was planning on using it just once but then I got a little obsessed. Couldn't help it." he whines.

"You're adorable, you know that?"

the hall gets filled with your laughter. You continue running your fingers through his hair while also reading your book and just when you think he has gone into a deep slumber, he gets up walking towards the washroom.

"Wh- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" you yell behind him.

"GIVE ME A MINUTE" he yells back. He didn't go in there to jerk off, did he? you decide to leave him be and resume your reading.

Fifteen minutes later though when he comes outside and stands before you, you let out the biggest scream ever. It startles him.

"Is it that bad?"

"Jungkoo-", "what-", "I'm-"

He stands there with his long hair no more on his head, instead he has cut his hair in more of like a bowl cut. Yes, you screamed but not because you don't like his hair, it was because he looks cuter than ever like this. You were just a little surprised, that's about it.

"Seriously, is it that bad?" the nervous look on his face causes you to take few steps forward and hug him so tightly you're not sure if he can even breathe. His arms wrap around you in return. Hugging you has always calmed him.

"I love it"

"What was that, sweetie?"

"I said, I love it" you tell him again. You break the hug and look at him.

"Really?" his expression has turned into a an excited one now.

"Yes, baby. It makes you look so cute but can I ask why? why did you suddenly decide to cut your hair?" you can't help but touch his new hair.

"To be honest, I have been thinking about chopping them off for a while. I know you love my long hair so it was holding me back." he places a kiss on your temple. "I wasn't sure if you would like it."

"Jungkook, I loved your long hair but I wouldn't ever stop you from doing what you want. I love everything you love and you can always grow them back, right?" you smile up at him.

You loved his long hair a little too much. You had asked him to let his hair grow further and he had happily agreed to but you would rather poke your eyeballs out before you refrain him from doing something he has wanted to for a long time. You're just a little upset due to the fact that he even had to be nervous before doing so.

Jungkook nods, "Right. So you like them?"

"Absolutely" you kiss his nose.

"God, I could eat you right now." He hides his face in the crook of your neck and groans.

"Hmm, maybe later".

Later that night when you lay next to him he doesn't let you sleep before he buries his tongue inside you and asks you to grab his hair. When you do, you get reminded of his long hair but his tongue moving in a circular motion inside you makes you forget about it all. You moan, you scream and when he takes your nipples in his mouth while pushing two fingers inside you, you come so hard you're sure you see stars. You hear him whisper "You're mine" before you pass out hoping he'll wake you up the next morning again with his kisses and touches.

[archives-of-a-hidden-writer]

Something Else Entirely

Thanos / Choi Su-Bong X Nonchalant!Cold!Reader

》Typing... |

》 [Entry No.005 - Something Else Entirely]|

》 Loading Archive Entry "Something Else Entirely" |

》 Location of Entry: Archivial's |

》 Tip: Feel free to support the Archiver |

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》 Notice: Cataloged Entry, Part: I (II) III

》 Summary: Where, somehow, Thanos kept choosing you over his others without hesitation more often in the 3rd game, which led to confusion and feelings to be said. |

》 Warnings: SPOILERS TO EPISODE 5 / GAME 2 AND 3, Change of story(Both during possibly after the entry), Reader is player '457', Thanos chose to recruit you instead of Se-mi and Min-su in the 2nd game, Blood, Violence, Mentions of Drug Use, Spilled Confession(He screamed it out), Shouting, Swearing, slight not-so nsfw(PDA), Reader chose 'x' twice. |

》 Archive Entry Loaded ◇

■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■

The next day in this damned place seemed to have passed by quickly as you and other players were now being transferred and walked towards the second game. Of course, this meant yesterday's voting system ended with continuing to the second game.

You knew everyone here had decided to play the games due to their debts, but unlike them, you didn't have that much debt in you to surpass the millions like the, but you dislike the thought of spending your hard-earned money on debts you barely even recall now. So the rounded-up cash after the first round was closely enough for you, making you choose to leave the games immediately.

But, of course, that didn't happen as you all entered a new room you deciphered as where the 2nd game would occur.

As the doors you all entered from closed, the first instruction was announced. To find a team in groups of 5.

Being the unphased person you are, you just waited for someone to ask you if you can join their team. As everyone scrambled to find people to join them, you walked around the area, awaiting for someone to ask you to join them.

Of course, that happened as someone shouted your number.

"457!" A voice called out from behind. You turned to see player 230, giving you a wave. You raised an eyebrow and asked, "Want me to join you guys?" You said, turning your full body torwards them.

Player 230 nodded with a big smile, clearly ignoring the 'x' patch on your jacket. "Sure is, do you know who I am?" He replied, pointing at himself as he asked the question. You raised your eyebrow again at this, "The infamous rapper, Thanos?" You answered, earning a thumbs up from Thanos and his two friends before freestyle rapping who he was.

After that, he asked for your name, in which you gave him a nickname instead, not wanting to give out anything that much yet. He then patted my shoulder and winked at me. "Don't worry, baby. I'll protect you," he said, giving me a finger heart. I just scoffed at his action, turning away as I noticed there were only four members. But soon after that, one of Thanos' friends found another player to join.

The announcer later spoke, telling everyone about the 2nd game's mechanic, the six-legged pentathlon. The mini-games given were said out, and you looked over to your teammates as they listened before settling on who would play which game. Luckily for them, you played gonggi in the past, so that game is yours to play once your team is up.

"Okay, you good with gonggi?" Player 124, which you now know as Nam-gyu, asked, earning a nod from you. They then started picking out their own games to choose and play later.

■■■

"Goddammit, a lot of people survived," Nam-gyu groaned as we noticed another batch of players enter the room again. All five of you finished the 2nd game, now waiting for every player to either lose or win.

You hummed in return as the thought last group entered the dormitory. You leaned back into the bunk's metal stands, deep in thought. However, it was soon diminished by Thanos slinging an arm across your shoulders.

He said your nickname and praised you for your game earlier, "You did amazing there!" Thanos exclaimed before imitating how you did in the 2nd game.

Soon, the 2nd game came to an end as the pink guards entered the room once more to announce the new amount.

You looked up at the piggy bank in the ceiling before darting back onto the screen above the pink guards, the price of money doubling its amount. To you, it was far more than enough for you.

■■■

"457, just one more round, 'kay?" Nam-gyu said, shaking you by your shoulders as he spoke. He took notice of the red patch, but you pushed him off, your mind had already decided from the start.

Thanos, of course, noticed this and stood between you and Nam-gyu, earning a confused look from Nam-gyu, but deciding on shrugging it off as Thanos being high on his ass again.

But little by little, you've noticed how close Thanos was to you, even back at the 2nd game, he sat close to you, and even during the games, he attempted to have a hand on you from behind.

You, at first, thought of it as him on his drugs, but soon, you started thinking otherwise. And those thoughts continued further as he seemingly blocked you off from Nam-gyu's persuasions despite wanting the same thing.

The voting commenced with player 001 being the first to vote, who chose 'x' this time around. Other players were soon called one-by-one.

As it continues around the halfway mark, player 001 suddenly disrupts the players, causing a scene throughout players that inevitably pushes players to play one more round, adding things like the games are for kids and it's that easy.

You just groaned at this scene, knowing well it will not end well for those who chose 'x'.

■■■

"... Shit..." you cursed out as you pressed 'x' with the voting barely reaching the 'o', making the games continue once again.

Of course, those who chose 'o' cheered in joy, including Nam-gyu. Meanwhile, Thanos slightly frowned, you still chose to choose to leave the game already. Knowing his gaze as well as Nam-gyu's, you decide to instead join those who also chose 'x'.

Meanwhile, on Thanos' side, Nam-gyu cursed at you as they watched you enter the bunks of the 'x's.

"... That bitch," Nam-gyu said, somehow earning a back slap from Thanos, "Oi, don't talk to them like that..." Thanos replied to him, yet still slightly upset how you didn't choose the same as them. Nam-gyu gave another look of confusion towards Thanos, he thinks he was acting a lot stranger than before, even if the excuse or reason was the drugs, it was still a little too out of character of him to act this way towards another player.

As you all do your things, the announcer sounds in to say night's out in half an hour, cue players to go, or find a relatively good bed in the bunks to sleep in.

You found a relatively good one in the middle, not too close to the middle but not too close to the walls as well as it was right next to one of the staircases in the bunks.

Soon, the lights started to dim, with players starting to cosy up under the covers of their bunks. You, as well, cosy up under the covers and sleep, escaping the world for a little while.

■■■

Later on, you stirred for a moment as you hear footsteps towards you. You were close to the stairs, so that's that, but you couldn't help but feel like the person was coming towards you.

And then, you heard someone call your nickname, "Oi, baby, you awake?" You recognised the voice as Thanos. You groaned at him in return, "I am now, thank you very much," You retorted as you turned away from him, "Leave me alone, I know you wanted something because I chose 'x'..." You added, noticing how he always screamed for 'o' in the votes.

He scoffed at that, if only you could see the smitten look on his face as he shook his head, "Not about that, but why did you leave our group, huh?" He asked, lightly shaking your shoulder, you groaned again and yanked his hand off.

"Really? An 'x' with four 'o's, you fucking high right now? And get back to you bunk, they might notice and eliminate your drugged ass," you retorted, slightly turning towards him before you noticed him moving towards the bed above yours and looking back at you, "There, better?" He asked, elbows propping him up as he placed his head on his palms. He was lucky with the darkness hiding the smitten look on him.

You scoffed at him before attempting to go back to sleep.

As you do so, Thanos kept looking at you. Sure, he may be getting questions from his friends the next day, but did he care? Something about you kept pulling him back to you, not like what he felt towards the dead 196. No, it was entirely different. Like the drugs he took, something he can't fully get away from, but unlike the drugs, it was something he would be unable to let go of.

■■■

The next day came by, and you awoke to see Thanos who actually slept on the bunk above yours. Damn, you thought to yourself, thinking whether this man has something towards you or he'd just like this towards new friends.

The time went by, and now you and the rest are being walked to the 3rd game with Thanos, of course, tailing behind you. Again, you were weirded out by this as his friends were somewhere else in the lines.

As you all entered the new place, a large area with 50 rooms surrounding it with a higher platform in the middle.

The 3rd game is about to begin.

■■■

"Going to leave us again, boss?" Nam-gyu called out to Thanos, approaching the purple-haired man. Two rounds in, Nam-gyu took notice of how Thanos' first instinct after each round was to find you as you always try and find other groups than theirs.

Thanos ignored Nam-gyu and continued to look for you. Then he did. He immediately bearhugged you and ruffled your hair.

He cheered your name, saying how glad he was that you're alive like him. You replied his actions by a pat of the back, continuing to be weirded out by the noticable difference in dynamics between how he acts around you and his friends.

Soon, the carousel started to slowly spin again, along with the same music to sang out.

"3!" The announcer said. The player then started to find players to complete the said amount. You immediately got into one and ran towards one of the rooms, not noticing Thanos calling for you. With that, Thanos kicked one of his friends out before screaming towards one of the rooms.

The half a minute timer came to an end, followed by rounds of shots and screams of those who didn't manage to get into a room.

■■■

"Fucking hell..." You cursed out, after another round, the players remained decreased as the 6th round of the game commenced, the platform below spinned slowly.

You were already exhausted from all the adrenaline and running from the previous rounds and games. You hoped this was the final round.

Meanwhile, Thanos kept a close eye on you, blatantly ignoring Nam-gyu once more, not wanting to hear another avertion coming from his friend. Of course, he noticed your exhaustion, and deep down is concerned. Even under all those drugs, he had a concern for you.

"2!" The announcer said, earning you mentally cursing at it. 50 rooms and over 100 players. If you won't die due to not being able to find a partner, then you might as well be eliminated for the inability to secure a room.

About to give out, you felt someone tug on you by the wrist and pull you out of the platform, followed by Nam-gyu's voice screaming out for Thanos. You looked to see the man, Thanos, holding your wrist as you both ran towards the rooms.

"The fuck- Hey!" You called out, but it was unheard as other players ran to get into their own rooms.

"What the fuck-!?" You cursed out, trying to free your wrist as you both entered one of the rooms. He finally lets go of you, "The hell is really wrong with you?!" You cursed out, "You've acting weird this entire time. The hell are you on 'cause that's not drugs," you added, extremely confused and weirded out by his actions. He remained silent. Only the sounds of players outside could be heard.

He mustered something but you couldn't quite hear it, "What was that?" You asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Hey, I said what-" "Because I love you for fuck's sake!" Thanos let out, grabbing your shoulders and shaking, "God, every since! Just... Something in you are different, and it makes me insane!" He said.

Like the drugs he took, something he can't fully get away from, but unlike the drugs, it was something he would be unable to let go of.

You stared at him in slight shock, "What...?" You asked, wondering if you heard that right.

"Dammit, I fucking love you, alright? You're fucking intoxicating," he replied, lowering his head as if ashamed of the words that spilled his mouth.

Finally understanding his words, you tapped his cheek, making him look back at you before giving a small smile at him.

Forgetting the world around us, the door unlocked as the game finished. Slightly relieved at this, you looked back at Thanos before giving him a peck on the lips, ignoring the slight tang of iron from the blood that splattered on his face from previous games.

You exited the room after that, leaving the jaw-dropped man in the room as you attempted to blend back in the remaining players.

■■■

As your entered the dormitory once again, you felt someone tackle you once more, slinging an arm around your shoulder as he pulled you close.

"You shouldn't have left me like that, baby!" He whined, pulling you towards his original place in the bunks on the other side. You slightly felt a bit out of place considering your patch and the players surrounding you, but Thanos soon pushed those feelings away as he proudly exclaimed you at his friends, earning glances at Nam-gyu that speaks "So that's why he was acting like that," before nodding.

Soon, another voting would commence, but now getting close to Thanos, you wondered if you could continue this without him dying because of another game.

Now you have another reason to leave the games entirely.

■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■

》 Archiver's Notes: As the winner of the voting log with no more than 2% more than another option, a continuation entry is done for the chaotic purple-haired man, Thanos.

[sunniedesi]

The Decay of Andy and Leyley: the bad, the ugly and the terrible

Now that it’s been a while since I finished the Decay route, I think I’m ready to finally analyse this chapter as a whole. I’ve collected my thoughts and read through a couple of people’s opinions here and there… just to be utterly disappointed. I knew casual fans generally didn’t understand much of the subtext for tcoaal, but damn are they completely lost with this one. Maybe it’s the fact that I only interact with a small echo chamber of the fandom that does get it, but after all the terrible takes I’ve had the displeasure of seeing, I think it’s time I leave my own. There is quite a lot to comment on, since this part of Decay builds upon several plot points of the story: the quarantine, the entity, lord unknown, and namely, the main duo’s upbringing and relationship. While I’d love to pick apart every nook and cranny of this episode, this analysis will only focus on Andrew and Ashley’s relationship, as that alone has plenty of things to dissect for one post. I will also comment on some of the changes done to the previous episodes and what that could mean for the next routes. (More below the cut, this will be a long one).

But before I begin anything I want to start with a disclaimer of the obvious; yes, this game is fucked up and the relationship is toxic, horribly so (wow, who would’ve thunk it?). If things weren’t messed up before then they certainly are now, so I understand why nobody would want to touch this game with a ten-foot pole. In fact, I’ve noticed many let’s players who’ve previously played it either not mentioning it or going as far as to delete every video they’ve made on it (not dropping names here but I had a couple of videos in my watch later taken down mere minutes after I saved them because of this). I often see people saying “it’s just fiction” as a defense for talking about this, which is totally valid, but my view of it is a bit different. It is fiction, yes, but also something that could very easily happen in real life and that a lot of people could (unfortunately) relate to. That’s what makes it uncomfortable and gross, and that is exactly the reason why we should talk about it. As per words of the author “although unpleasant, true [CHAOS AND MAYHEM!!!] can only be achieved by unearthing the root cause of one's issues and addressing the underlying decay.” Even if you think it’s icky and gross that doesn’t disqualify it from existing. Moreover, it calls for analysis as to why it makes you feel gross, which might I add is an impulse reaction to something much deeper than a simple “nooo they’re related,” as there are many layers to this from a moral, ethical and psychosexual perspective.

So… let’s talk about it. 

The Bad: Andy and Leyley

The beginning of the episode tells us a lot about the upbringing of our characters, though most of it was writing on the wall if you paid attention during episode 2. We play as Andrew, examining his psyche and going through the motions of how to be a walking disappointment. As he cooks, cleans, excels at school and sets order in his family, he accomplishes a level of independence many don’t reach until adulthood, all before the age of 10. Yet every single mistake, as small or out of his control as it may be, is a cause for reprimanding. Renee doesn’t spare the emotional rod with him per se, expecting Andrew to go above and beyond for tasks that she should be responsible for. And whenever her live-in maid complains or dares to set an even playing field, such attempts are crushed by repressing him further into his shell. Berating, insulting, belittling him.

Nothing he does is ever enough, and it can’t be,  lest giving him hope of ever meeting others’ expectations, of ever doing better. The more suppression, the less of his independence, say or personality, the easier to control. The less of Andrew the better. And as such, Andy was born: a sorry replacement for Andrew’s essence, easily malleable and capable of becoming everything you want him to be. Many believe Andy is a result of Leyley, but really

Andy was a nightmare of Renee’s own making. And speaking of nightmares, Leyley’s origins aren’t much different. Having a second child as a middle finger to your disapproving family is no good if you don’t intend to raise said child. But what’s the need when Andy is there to do it? Disciplining a kid aching for attention is far too taxing for Renee, especially one with as much attitude as Leyley. So, instead of inflicting more trauma as she’s done with Andy, she lets him pass his own over to her, creating a direct pipeline to the cycle of abuse. It should be noted that in one of the new visions available we see that Renee is an older sister herself, and was expected to also go above and beyond for her sister despite being completely disregarded by her family.

In other words, her treatment of Andy and complete neglect of Leyley are anything but surprising. It’s all she’s ever known. (Not excusing Renee, I hate her with a passion, but it’s important to know where everything is coming from).

Funnily enough, Leyley’s personality isn’t as innate as many believe. It’s easy to see her as the “difficult child,” but in reality, everything she does is a cry for help. We’re dealing with a lonely, undisciplined girl, disregarded by the world as a crybaby and a freak, left to be raised by trash TV and her clueless older brother. The result of this terrible concoction is a self-loathing, marshmallow spine of a boy and a lost, shrieky viper of a girl. Neither can like each other, because they don’t like themselves. And neither can help the other, because they refuse to see themselves for what they are. These are Andy and Leyley, the antagonists of the story.

As much as people have difficulty separating Andy and Leyley from Andrew and Ashley it must be noted that, from a narrative perspective, these are entirely different characters. Andy and Leyley are the immature, worst traits of our main duo personified: Andy is a paranoid pushover garnering resentment every time his buttons are pushed, while Leyley is nothing more than a scared little girl, terrified of abandonment and terrified of change. The more they push and pull, the more they test and bring out the worst in each other, the more they decay. But if these are Andy and Leyley, then who are Andrew and Ashley?

The Ugly: Andrew and Ashley

I believe the cliffhanger route is where we get to see the most of these two, though glimpses of them can be seen in the Shots and Such route. Andrew we know (thanks to his lengthy pov) is a crude and relentless antisocial who can’t stand anyone. He only does so out of keeping appearances, instilled by his mom, but just like her, is incapable of caring for anything. Something Ashley is very quick to point out when they were children.

We also see he’s very manipulative, sly and finds fun in (mentally) messing with people and romanticising the shit of his life, perhaps as a way to feel something other than the misery it bestows upon him. However, not playing nice can only bring trouble, so he hides behind the mask of the innocent pushover (Andy). Needless to say, this is a life full of lies and deception, utterly unsatisfactory. It will never fulfill his true desires and can only push him further into nihilism. But what are his true desires? 

Well, to be seen and understood, the one thing no one’s ever bothered to do. No one except the mess of his own making. Ashley, the girl Andrew raised, is full of wit and charm. As seen in the flashbacks, she’s perceptive and quickly calls bullshit whenever she sees it. She doesn’t play nice, she doesn’t put up a front, she’s everything Andrew could be if he wasn’t afraid to show his true colors. This last bit is why I would argue Andrew is so drawn to her, that and of course all of the trauma bonding. As Andrew says himself, his attraction is pathological, i.e. unreasonable and irrational, a result of his loneliness and conditioning from childhood. And as much as I agree that it is paraphilic in nature, I do believe there is a logical side to his attraction; Ashley is loud, obnoxious and annoying. Carefree and unbothered, the flip-side to his Andy facade. In fact, she hates having to keep up appearances and how everyone around her is a phony. For Andrew, the man that has endured years of suppression and self-loathing, it is a relief, it is liberating to have someone just as bad as him. Someone who wouldn’t be afraid of him. Someone who could meet him at the same level; an equal.

Continuing with Ashley, one of her most emblematic traits is that she’s self-assured and doesn’t care about anything or anyone except for Andrew. This is quite the contrast to Leyley, who is incredibly insecure, selfish and does not care for Andy, only the reassurance he brings. And how do we know Ashley cares about Andrew if Leyley does not? Well…

This flashback is the single most important piece of information we get from the whole chapter. So let’s analyze it from the start. Julia takes Andrew to visit Nina’s grave, bringing back a slew of emotional turmoil he’s still haunted by. He immediately goes home to unpack it with Ashley.

(because god knows he was thinking about her the whole time he was talking to Julia). Ashley shows her first signs of maturity in the conversation that ensues, accurately pointing out the impending doom of Andrew and Julia’s relationship, and being a little more… introspective.

It’s clear that Leyley’s view of relationships is skewed, to say the least. She barely distinguishes romance from platonic love and has a very childish take of sex being "gross and all men want.” I’ve seen many people, before and after this chapter release, theorize that Ashley is asexual, something that’s always bothered me to no end. It’s one thing to just headcanon a character having “x” sexuality for the sake of it, but here people were using a headcanon to explain a critical part of her characterization, one of her Leyley traits. It is reductive and misguided, not to mention a terrible example of what asexuality would actually look like. Because this isn’t an innate characteristic from Ashley, it is a sign of immaturity, and to a certain degree, also insecurity.

Leyley has been conditioned her entire existence to believe she’s loathsome and undesirable, so anyone sticking around would never be out of their own volition. It would have to be a transaction, give and take. If Andy and Leyley marry it would have to be this way, a selfish exchange on both ends. But as she says: “different is fine, sometimes.” This is Ashley talking, taking into consideration Andrew’s needs for once and for all, which is the reason she made a move after he woke up. She understands his needs and is willing to put out for him, thinking maybe it could be good for her too. 

But boy does he fumble hard. Which I don’t blame him for, dude wasn’t in the right headspace at the time. Though this is the moment that set Ashley’s development far, far behind square one. She didn’t take the rejection well. For once she was doing what he wanted, and he pushed her away (mixed signals much). He began being very cold to her afterwards (albeit in a fruitless attempt to repress his feelings, which as we see through the puzzle sequences, the more he crushed his feelings on the outside, the further they spread on the inside). The moment Andrew reached out for her again, a year later might I add, he did it because of Ashley, or rather Leyley, needing to be reprimanded and set on the right track (with the massage parlor job).

This sealed the deal for Ashley that the only way to secure Andrew’s attention was the way that Leyley used to do with Andy: bitch and moan until he pays attention. In other words, it’s Andrew’s fault that Ashley is the way she is… though he’s not entirely aware of it, as seen in parts of his pov. And to a certain extent, Ashley also plays a part into why he’s so apprehensive to the idea of liking her. Her childish nature and refusal to grow up is proof to Andrew that if she were to indulge his desires, it would be to keep him around, but it wouldn’t be reciprocal (which is ultimately what he desires the most). 

This is my main takeaway from the cliffhanger route. I won’t be theorising much on what the outcomes for this route could be (more on why later), though I will be referencing this heavily for the analysis of Shots and Such.    

Also the symbolism in this scene is quite strong (couldn’t fit it into the previous paragraphs but wanted to bring it up anyway).

Her painted nails are trashy, and Julia's nails are painted. Andrew stares in silence as Julia rings away...  

Also:

This is after you destroy the Leyley plushie on the wedding cake scene, to retrieve Ashley's choker (which can later be used to create Andrew's partner... which also grants you a star). Originally, the plushies were watching cartoons, but now that Leyley is gone... something else surfaces. Interestingly enough, if you refuse to destroy it when prompted, the narrator will say "what are you, some Andy?" And if you try again after that, it won't allow to you to tear it apart, saying "you've made your choice." Very strong symbolism there. Let's move onto Shots and Such now.

The Absolutely Terrible: the Decay of Andy and Leyley

A terrible, disgusting, horrifying and necessary ending. Necessary to really discern the differences between Andy/Leyley and Andrew/Ashley, plus why the former will ALWAYS be a pointless, troublesome pairing. They hurt, abuse and tear each other down in the most sadistic and depressive ways possible. Long gone are the days of their playful banter, they are now replaced with just plain ol’ spousal abuse. Even when they try reviving their spark with their quick banter about the vacuums, it is soulless and dry, the damage done to their dynamic far too damming to ignore. 

They are never honest with each other, and they’re always afraid and resentful of the other. The only thing keeping them together is codependency and lame sex that sometimes distracts them from how miserable they feel. The one sex scene in this chapter reads like a dagger to the heart, because it is everything neither of them wanted to happen. Andrew yearned for something reciprocal, for him to be seen. And as much as he begs and pleads for Ashley to understand, Leyley’s fear of abandonment overtakes her, diminishing the little trust she had for him and respect she had for herself. As a result, they both hated the encounter, and the only two solutions are ending themselves or committing to a life of such misery.

In the splat ending, we indulge Andy’s desires of ending it all, and Leyley reluctantly follows, scared and unsatisfied until the bitter end, but unwilling to let go of her Andy. In the Shots and Such ending, we indulge Leyley’s fantasies of a forever union, which turn out to be anything but the ideals she had for Andy and Leyley’s marriage. It is more of the same old horrific abuse, dishonesty and bickering over nothing, with maybe one glimpse of honesty forced out by the alcohol every once in a blue moon. 

No matter the end, they’re both together forever as Andy and Leyley, dragging each other down into the lowest of levels. It’s pointless and bleak, and it certainly sent the fandom into a frenzy. You think the people defending Andrew “I’m normal” Graves or the people saying Ashley “did nothing wrong” were bad? Well, just as this route brought the worst out of the Graves, it also brought out the worst of these fans.

Every time I look into the comments section of a video or discussions for this chapter, it’s a constant shit-flinging contest of who had the worst upbringing, who has the worst personality, who is the most abusive, (which most people seem to be pointing fingers at Ashley for that one). It’s all blah blah blah who’s the woest of the woe. And worst of all, plenty of men (they’re almost always men) saying “Andrew should beat Ashley up some more.” I understand that Ashley’s worst traits as Leyley were amplified in this chapter, but honestly, men who had that takeaway from this chapter disturb me more than the game itself. Heck, even mother-of-the-year Renee calls bullshit on this:   

(context: this is a rhetorical question, the answer being no, obviously.)

Let’s get one thing straight: no character here is worse than the other. They’re both awful, they both beat each other, they both abuse each other and they're both victims of each others’ abuse. The tragedy here is that they are as much victims as they are perpetrators, with no end in sight, because the more one hurts the other, the more retaliation ensues. Characterizing one as the worst is, again, completely reductive and overlooking the point of the ending: nothing gets better because neither got better. We only saw Andy and Leyley in this route, with brief glimpses of Andrew and Ashley, that are quickly crushed by their inability to disengage from their toxic habits.

I think it’s clear to see how Ashley is regressing more into her fears (Leyley), given the threat of being murdered by the only person she has left forced her into that state. She doesn’t want to die, she’s terrified of death, and wants the security she believes Andy will bring her back. Except Andy is the one harboring resentment, as Andrew is the one trying to work past it. And to the people who think we’re playing as Andrew and Leyley in this route because “we chose Andrew,” no we’re not. There’s a reason the beginning of both the Andy and Andrew (shots and such) routes look the same in terms of the area we explore in the demon realm. 

There’s a reason why he keeps devolving further and further into resentment for Leyley. The “Andrew” choice means nothing if Ashley refuses to stop being Leyley. And her regression is reinstated by the selfish decision to kill Andrew in the bullets ending (and yes, I’m calling it selfish, since it is once again denying Andrew of his need to be rid of the Andy and Leyley dynamic). This reinforces Andrew’s belief that Leyley doesn’t want him, that his love is one-sided, and that she doesn’t care for his needs. The moment this choice (shooting Andrew) is set in stone it’s game over for both, because one can’t heal without the other. Again, nothing gets better because neither can get better.

The only difference between both routes is that when we pick Andy, Andrew surrenders. He’s hurt, battered and confused, but Andy’s instinctual need to please Leyley reigns above all. He knows it won’t get better, he doesn’t know how to make it better, so to hell with it. If we choose to be Andrew, Andrew never surrenders, insisting there must be a way to fix this, but can’t due to Leyley’s insistence. This leads to Andrew's decay, as he devolves into a mixture of Andy’s resentment boiling over and Andrew’s sadism. The logical part of him (which is Andrew’s lingering care for Ashley) tells him to disengage from the fighting. But his resentment (Andy’s decay) is overpowering his love for her. It gets to the point where both Andy and Andrew become undistinguishable, as they have melded to become his most deranged self. Surprisingly, something similar happens with Ashley, who also struggles to surrender in this route. There are two moments of honesty in the Shots and Such route, the only moments we get to see Andrew and Ashley completely. First is Andrew comforting Ashley’s sobs:

Here, Ashley was actually honest with him for once, which allows both of them to open up. This exchange is much more lighthearted compared to the rest of the route because both are meeting each other at the same level, talking through things together, addressing their happiness and where they want to go. Ashley shines through, taking genuine interest in Andrew’s happiness, but before things can settle…

Ashley must face her fears of freeing Andrew, trusting him. And she doesn’t, because let’s remember, we chose Leyley in this route and let Ashley decay. So once again, things go back to how they were, pointless resentment. There was also a time where Andrew opened up, and that’s when he was drunk out of his mind.

He put his front down, enough to indulge in his paraphilia but not enough to fully express his love. The mixed signals are strong with this one, which further confuses Leyley. However, when they go to sleep that night, Andrew opens up about his needs, about needing Ashley to see him for the mess of a man that he is and still accept him. Ashley takes the stage, reassuring him that she knows all his secrets and loves him regardless. Andrew is honest about why he pushes her away, because it’s the last thread of normalcy he has left. However, things quickly go back to normal, when Leyley refuses to give him a kiss due to all the times he pushed her away. At the end of both of these scenes, we hear a sad music box tune, a sad reminder of how crucial these scenes are. How easily things could be fixed with the care and honesty they warrant, and how easily they fall apart out of simple reluctance and conformity. 

This is a constant thread we see in their relationship, throughout flashbacks and present time, as well as symbolisms throughout Burial and Decay. The choice to not only trust, but to be honest with one another despite their fears could’ve been the fix they needed all along, the one thing they needed to mature. Their bond is so fragile, so easily twisted, that the only way to salvage any semblance of tenderness is to address their underlying decay. I find it funny how there are still people (few but still some) who were disappointed to see that Decay wouldn’t be the "normal" route. I read a few comments of people wanting their relationship to be fixed and be a normal sibling dynamic. To which I just have to say, that is way more delusional than the people who expected any routes of this game to be all fluff and rainbows.

The relationship was already screwed from the get-go, but here’s the hard pill to swallow: having a normal relationship is not the fix they need nor want. The paraphilia has consumed Andrew so thoroughly that his only solution is to completely wipe his brain or fully indulge in it (possibly the two routes of episode 4), while Ashley has to let go of her selfish, childish desires to recognize the Andrew she wanted has been there all along if she cares to meet him there. Is it an unsavory solution? Yeah. It’s gross, morally and ethically reprehensible. But that’s just who they are as people. And accepting themselves for who they are is ultimately the last ditch effort they could ever take to salvage this volatile, fragile relationship. I mean, this optional dialogue really puts it best:

(This is the single line of dialogue that actually made me tear up btw, not even the splat/shots and such ending tore into me so much as this line). 

The Coffin of Andy and Leyley is, at its core, a cautionary tale of generational trauma and the cycle of abuse. How far will people go if pushed to their limits? Is it ever possible to remedy yourself once you’re at the point of no return? And is that remedy worse than the sickness itself? Can the doomed ever be redeemed? And if so, what are the necessary steps to take in order to redeem yourself, before it all goes dark? Andrew and Ashley can keep longing for one another all they want, but until Andy and Leyley are ripped and torn to shreds, neither will improve, and are fated to decay in the coffin of a different apartment, one built out of their own hangups and fears. We’ll see what episode 4 has in store, I trust the author will give us a satisfying conclusion. And speaking of the author…

The Meh: Changes to Episode 2

This new update brought about a couple of changes to the previous episodes as well. Namely, the wording for the decisions that split the story into Burial and Decay, as well as revamping the Burial route. I’ll be honest… I’m not a big fan of some of these.

For starters, this new update made me realize the author, as offline as she appears to be, is keenly aware of people’s opinions of the game and takes quite the contrarian attitude to people who miss the point of the story (something I can’t blame her for entirely, and seems to be the reason why things escalated so much in this chapter). Take for example the Grave Mistakes vision, Andrew explaining why they’re not addressing the Toxisoda thing anymore, and going as far as to add a bloody sprite for Ashley in the Burial route (something a few people were complaining about back in the day). Also, there is an optional dialogue in the highschool flashback that feels like a clapback to the Renee mod:

I’m glad the author is aware of people’s criticisms and takes the time to sort through them, but part of me wishes she didn’t try to over-explain some plot points. The thing that I originally loved about the game was the subtle storytelling, how it takes you a couple of playthroughs to fully understand everything lying beneath the surface. It plays tricks with you and makes you think about the characters’ true intentions, goals and desires, all the way until they spiral out of control and pretenses can’t be kept anymore. I liked that Ashley has a little back and forth between wanting to trust Andrew, being unable to because of her insecurities, and falling back on the trinket. But now…

The choice kinda spells it out for you already. For one, the choice of dialogue feels a bit clunky and also redundant given the next couple of lines confirm this already. The change in the olive branch choice, with it now being reflect/decline, doesn’t bother me as much, but this feels a little too in your face. Same thing with the changes to the Burial vision. I like that you have to put the green plushie back in the cage at the end, as it’s something you also did earlier in the puzzle, so it feels less contradictory. But the change to this line…

It’s honestly giving too much away. People go through the Burial route because they want the siblings to trust each other, and they select the left door for the questionable outcome because they want to make the questionable choice. However that route turns out, whether good or bad, is for us to find out as we play. And mind you, I already know it’s not ending so well given the hex Andrew gets in Burial is the same as in the Decay Andy route. That just cannot be any good. Plus, the fact that Burial is all about burying things under the rug. I suspect that while Decay is more about Andrew due to its reflective nature, Burial will be all about Ashley due to her nature of compartmentalizing. I imagine both Burial and Decay will have their own good and bad routes, but I’d rather not jump the gun into assuming what each will pan out to look like, as chances are I’ll be completely mistaken.

And I say this as a good portion of the fanbase was proven wrong with this new update, in terms of what Decay and Burial are about. The general consensus used to be Burial = romance, Decay = hate. Some fans even came up with the bizarre defense that the game is not so bad because the incest is totally optional! It's on the player to pick it. All the while you have Andrew grabbing Ashley's belt loops and cuddling her on the couch in both routes...

I can appreciate asking people to look at what's beneath the surface and analyze things a little more critically, but that was just plain wrong lol. In the back of my mind, I always hoped that Decay would address some of Andrew's feelings to completely shut down all the "optional" nonsense. Welp, that it did... way more than I anticipated.     

Anyway, my point with this last bit of the rant was that I hope these changes don’t become a trend of the author trying to make things clearer for normies or paying any mind to them, as that would only cheapen the storytelling. Those who get the story get it, and if not, they can read people’s shizo analyses online. But I don’t need my hand held throughout the game; I like figuring things out on my own. To wrap things up, I’ll just say I’m very happy with the outcomes we got. They were terrible, but necessary for the reasons explained above. I was originally very scared of the Decay route, as I didn’t know exactly what to expect and angry Andrew scares me. But this has quickly become my favorite episode of all and I can only hope the next ones do it justice. Keep cooking Nemlei, you’re doing good.

[asidian]

One thing I haven't seen talked about is Crystal's character arc, and specifically the way the timing of it interacts with Charles' arc. They stumble over each other in the worst possible way en route to their respective character growth, and from a narrative perspective, it's absolutely genius.

I'm going to preface all this by saying: none of this is a criticism of Crystal. Part of what makes her such a dynamic, refreshing character is that you don't get to see women in fiction written the way she's been written. You don't get to see women with her flaws that aren't throw-away mean girls or villains. You especially don't get to see women with her traits who learn and grow and become better people. So yeah, I'm going to talk about Crystal's character flaws. No, this isn't Crystal hate. We love our girl in this house. Okay? Okay. Let's start.

Crystal's character arc, at its heart, is all about her learning to be a better person because she has good influences that love and support her for the first time.

When the show starts, Crystal is not a nice person. She's abrasive in a way that's specifically designed to push people away. She's used to getting her own way, and it shows. She's used to having no meaningful connections with anyone, and it shows. She's breathtakingly selfish, in the very literal sense of the definition. She is focused on her self. Her problems are front and center to her; everything is about what she needs, and what she wants, and how she's struggling.

Jenny calls her out very early on. In episode one, Crystal is complaining about the boys, and Jenny, for all her cynicism, strikes right at the heart of the problem. She tells Crystal, "Everybody is always thinking about themselves, all the time." People only care about their own problems. And she says, correctly, that that's what Crystal is doing, too.

This moment is a revelation for Crystal. For the first time, she considers what her behavior looks like from another person's perspective. As she says, she gets mad at herself over it, and that awareness allows her to do something selfless for the first time in the series. She takes a step back and insists that instead of focusing on her problems, they go to help a little girl. It's a big moment for her.

But importantly, she's not done growing as a character here. She's only just getting started.

On my first watch through, I didn't realize how often, over the next few episodes, Crystal redirects things to her problems during conversation, but it's quite a lot. She's still focused on herself – selfish, in that most literal definition of the word. The issues most important to her are her issues. She's starting to learn to think about other people, but she's not there yet. The process is still underway.

Which brings us to Charles.

Charles' arc is a different sort of self-reflection. He's terrified that he's a bad person the way his father was and the way the boys that killed him were.

During the course of the show, he gets systematically stripped of his confidence and made to feel helpless, and just like Crystal needs outside influences to help her reach a more stable place, Charles does, too. He desperately needs reassurance that he isn't everything he's afraid he is.

But my goodness, the timing in their arcs is such a trainwreck when you put them together, and it is brilliant.

Let's start with the Devlin House.

Crystal has some amazing character growth here. She displays genuine concern about Charles, makes an attempt at comforting him, and learns to work with Edwin even though she still doesn't particularly like him at this point.

Charles, meanwhile, is beginning to fall apart. He's just had the worst night of his afterlife. He's been viscerally reminded of how helpless he is. He couldn't stop the Devlins from being killed over and over, just like he couldn't stop his own father's abuse. He messed up his attempted rescue so badly that he was completely out of commission until the case was finished. He managed to help not one single thing. He made no impact at all. He couldn't help those girls any more than he was able to help himself, while he was still alive.

So they get back to the butcher shop, and what do we see? Monty immediately coopts Edwin. Niko doesn't know what's happened because she wasn't there and Charles has been all fake smiles with her. And Crystal goes off with Niko, leaving Charles to flounder on his own in the wake of everything. She's still learning how to support other people. She isn't there yet, and it's extremely on display in this moment.

Then we get the lighthouse episode, and they both get put through the wringer here. Crystal gets her hopes and expectations jerked around by the Night Nurse in the very worst way, and Charles gets hit with a whole pile full of trauma. All that helplessness wells to the forefront again. Combined with being forced to relive some of his worst memories and the desperation to keep Edwin safe from hell, Charles lets himself act on his anger for once.

And what does he get in the aftermath? Horror.

Everyone who cares about him is horrified by what he's done. Edwin goes so far as to call it extreme. They don't know the half of it, of course; they haven't seen what the Night Nurse just put him through. But in this moment Charles is at his absolute lowest, and all he sees is confirmation that he's exactly as terrible as he thinks he is.

That's why Charles shrugs off Edwin's attempt at comfort, here. When he needed to be able to do something to protect Edwin and also himself – when he needed to believe that he could be better than what his father always was – all he sees is the confirmation from the people he cares about most that when push came to shove, he really is a bad guy.

Then comes the aftermath. And this moment is such a brilliant, awful clash of both of their character arcs. It is so delightfully messy.

Because Charles starts to open up to Crystal here. He starts to lay himself bare, the way he ends up doing with Edwin in episode 5. He's on the verge of admitting something that he's been worried about for literal decades. He tells her, "I've been angry for such a long time."

And what does Crystal do? She's still in the midst of her own character growth. She's still struggling to support other people. She's still learning how to. In a lot of ways, though she's made progress already, she's still that selfish girl that Jenny called out in the very first episode.

And she shows it here it with the absolute worst possible timing. No sooner has Charles started to talk about what's bothering him than she cuts in with her own problems. She's tired of riddles and spirits and demons and not knowing who she is. And the look on Charles' face. The moment when he visibly sets aside his own problems, because Crystal doesn't need any more disasters on her plate? It's heartbreaking. You can actually track the subtle change in his expression there. The actor does a phenomenal job.

And then comes the kiss. And what spurs it? Crystal saying she needs something real.

This moment isn't about light-hearted attraction, the way the earlier flirting is. It's Charles setting aside what he needs – comfort and reassurance and a moment to talk through the things that have been tearing him apart – to give her what she says she wants. He can't even feel it. And Crystal isn't far enough along in her character growth here to realize how selfish she's being. Like Jenny said way back in episode one, she's only thinking about herself.

And then comes the absolute unmitigated disaster of episode 5.

Straight out the gate, Charles leans in for a kiss. From his perspective, they have something together; there's affection there. Charles "I think I'd miss kissing" Rowland, who has been starved for meaningful physical contact for thirty years, is not in a hurry to give this up.

But Crystal is fresh out of a nightmare where she conflates Charles with her abusive ex. She withdraws; she calls what they had a distraction. She cuts it off almost as soon as it's started, so focused on her own worries here that she misses how damn fake Charles' smile is, to cover up that he's coming to pieces.

To be clear, she's absolutely not in the wrong here. It is 1000% her prerogative not to jump into a relationship again while she's still struggling to work through what happened with David. But the arc of her narrative is still early enough that she does it all without so much as the awareness that her focus on her own issues has hurt Charles terribly.

And then the episode really kicks off, and both of them are in shambles in very different ways.

Crystal is projecting her issues with David onto Charles. She has a lot of history, and David seems as though he's exactly the right sort of toxic to leave lasting a lasting impact. But Charles hasn't done anything to deserve her assumptions, and he takes the brunt of her temper here and throughout the episode.

Charles is desperately projecting onto the dead jocks. He very badly wants them to be good guys, because he sees himself in them and he needs himself to be a good guy. He snipes back at Crystal for the very first time in this episode, and he does it in the worst way possible, accidentally prodding her where it will do the most damage.

They're both hurting. They both say some truly painful things to one another.

She does not need to hear that she has unsorted hangups about David still plaguing her while she's unable to move past them. He desperately does not need anyone to tell him that he has rage issues while he's still struggling to think of himself as a decent person.

They apologize, in the end. They start to move past it.

But it's telling that Charles doesn't try to open up to Crystal again. He goes to Edwin instead, even though Edwin is the one who called his actions regarding the Night Nurse extreme. He gets the reassurance he needs so badly; he gets the connection he was looking for with Crystal from Edwin, instead. (I have a lot of thoughts on why Charles initially tries to open up to Crystal so quickly, but it is very much an aside, and this is already extremely long, so it will have to wait for another write-up.)

But the important thing here is, Edwin is the one to offer Charles what he needs to overcome the self-doubt eating him alive. Edwin provides the physical affection Charles was seeking in the form of that long-overdue hug. Edwin is the one who's able to reaffirm for him that he's not just a good guy, he's the best person Edwin knows.

And for all intents and purposes, Charles' major character arc ends here.

Charles has a few last little moments to go on the path to rebuilding his own self-image, after this, but for the most part his concerns have been resolved. He saves Crystal in episode 6 and Edwin in episode 7, proving to himself that he's able to make a difference in the face of overwhelming odds. He's not helpless, no matter what the Night Nurse told him; he can be a force for good in the world. By the end of the series, his crisis of self-doubt seems to have been largely overcome.

But it's the conversation with Edwin at the end of episode 5 that really allows him to work through his most pressing issues. Edwin is there to help support him when he stumbles. Edwin provides him the comfort he was looking for while Crystal was too worried about her own problems to notice how badly he needed the help.

Crystal, meanwhile, still has a ways to go after episode 5. The last three episodes are where she does her most important character growth.

In episode 6, she learns some hard lessons about keeping secrets and letting people help and appreciate you even when you can't offer them anything in return. And Charles, importantly, is there for her every step of the way. He consistently offers her physical and emotional support. He models for her, in a very real way, what it looks like to have someone prop you up when you need the help.

And in turn, Crystal steps in to save the boys. She's the big damn hero at the end of this episode.

The breakthrough continues into episode 7. She's so intent on helping to get Edwin out of hell that she literally goes to face her own demons, not for herself for once – not for her own purposes or needs or wants – but because she wants to help someone else.

And episode 8, at long last, brings her to the culmination of her character arc.

Crystal is at her absolute lowest here. Her family, the people who were supposed to love her unconditionally, didn't even realize she was gone. Her precious memories, that she's spent the entire series trying to regain, have showed her that she's not the person she hoped she would be. She's overwhelmed enough that she means to flee, to cut herself off from her new friends entirely.

Then the boys get kidnapped. And just like that, she makes up her mind.

For the first time since the start of the series, she sets aside her most important issues in order to let what other people need take precedence. She disregards all of her own personal concerns and focuses instead on others. She's finally stepped out of those selfish impulses that Jenny calls her out on, all the way back in the first episode. She's finally learned how to support other people when they need it.

Crystal has finally figured out how to be there for others, despite having troubles of her own.

It's a lovely arc, and it's beautifully done.

Charles' is just as touching.

And god damn, but it was a brilliant narrative choice to have their character arcs line up in exactly the wrong way.

[morosis-haze]

Bakugou slowly moving you into his apartment

𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Katsuki Bakugou x fem!black reader

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠: a curse word I believe that’s it

❒ Bakugou who doesn’t really want to admit it, but he’s been getting used to your presence on those days you come over to the point he wants you to stay the night

❒ Bakugou who was asking or coming up with excuses on why you shouldn’t leave “There’s a few more episodes til we finish the season” You might as well stay on the couch cuddled up with him only a few more episodes until you could leave, right?

❒ It was all a plan leading to the “It’s late you should stay over tonight” He says it like he didn’t have you stay at his place until it was pitch black. How could you argue it was normal to not want your girlfriend out late there were a bunch of dangerous things that lurked the night, even if you’re also a pro hero who could defend yourself fine until you get home

❒ Bakugou who heard you talk about how multiple mornings and nights he is ruining your routine so he gets stuff you need

❒ It started small with him buying another toothbrush paired with a cover on it, it stood next to his in the cup. If you ask about it he’ll only say “So? You’re over here so damn much complaining about not having a toothbrush.” He acts as if you’re the one inviting yourself over

❒ “Maybe I’ll come over less.. y’know actually sleep in my apartment” You see his gaze flicker for a second before he grunts out “Well that’s not needed anymore” he moves onto a different topic ignoring the teasing smile on your face

❒ Bakugou kept slowly trying to move you in never mentioning it to you. He’d rather not deal with you being smug. That wasn’t gonna help though.

❒ Next time you come over to Bakugou's apartment you smell the scent of your favorite candle that said man had previously complained about when he was at your place “I thought you hated this scent” he looks at you as if he doesn’t know what you’re talking about “What scent?” You point to the recently burned-out candle “It grew on me” he rolls his eyes seeing you smile about it, but you can see the slight pull of one on his face

❒ You were both coming from a party a class 1a reunion if you will though there seems to be plenty of those as the students all got close over the years. Bakugou was the one who picked you up and was gonna drop you off home though he had different plans.

❒ You were busy about to post pictures of Mina and you along with the rest of the girls when you finally look up onto the road “Isn’t this the way to your apartment?” You glance at him as he continues “ ’m too tired to notice… you wanna just sleepover?”

❒ Maybe he really was tired and used to all the times of you staying over it was becoming an instinct. You were able to see the weary expression on his face and you didn’t wanna make him turn back around to drop you home so you’ll stay over…again

❒ Used to all the nights over here you go into one of his drawers planning on wearing something of his own but you notice everything in it is different it’s not a lot, but there were now a few clothes in your size and there were three bonnets in different colors and patterns

❒ “Katsuki are you changing your style?” He goes into his room raising an eyebrow at your question “You know I didn’t really take you for the bonnet kinda guy, especially one of this color but you do.” You picked up a patterned one a smug look on your face

❒ He huffs electing to ignore your comment too tired to be bothered he mutters “It’s for you” before he goes back into the bathroom letting you change in his room

❒ You get done changing and head to the bathroom knocking on the door before being allowed in you brush your teeth alongside him as you both finish up he nods to something on the counter you didn’t notice it was your favorite cleanser

❒ You both continue with your routines before heading to bed he seems to have a small smile on his face maybe because you aren’t complaining or seeing you look even slightly happier from his actions improved his mood

❒ The weeks continue you stay a little longer in the morning and you’re not as reluctant on staying the night. Bakugou gets more things for you, anything to make you more comfortable so maybe you could stay longer than last time

❒ Your favorite snacks were in his pantry, a duplicate of your lotion next to his so you no longer use up your travel-sized bottle from your purse, but what you weren’t expecting is the new silk pillowcases

❒ Bakugou may have overheard Mina talking about her new pillowcases and how they’re so amazing, as he listened it sounded like it could benefit you so he looked into it

❒ Sure he could’ve just given them to you for your own bedroom, but he used them in his even though the purpose of them being here is for you

❒ “I can’t tell if you’re getting bougie or if you genuinely wanted silk pillowcases..” you joked looking at the man as he climbed into his bed with you “They’re good for your hair and shit” “Good for my hair… you got silk pillowcases because of me?” He doesn’t look at you as he answers “There are other benefits it’s not just cause of you...”

❒ There goes a smug expression returning back to your face “Careful I might just stay here forever, Katsuki” You give him his goodnight kiss before laying down as he turns off the lights you hear him say “Maybe that’s what I want”

𝐀/𝐍: Back from the hiatus I’ll be redoing my taglist so if you want to join it fill out this form

[baisemains]

Elements of Desire

Chapter 3: Dinner for Four

single mom!sevika x fem!reader

word count: 7.5k

contains: alcohol mention, weed mention, slight language, the slightest suggestive themes, really just fluff!

description: an unexpected invitation leads to an eye opening night.

ao3 link | spotify playlist

previous | next // sevika masterlist

Over the next few days, you and Sevika start emailing back and forth about the competition, eventually graduating to text when she finds the slip of paper you left your number on. 

That lasts for less than a day when one night, Sevika asks if you can call her because “she likes to talk on the phone like a normal person.”

You chuckle a bit at her age showing but you agree and a couple of minutes later, your phone starts vibrating.

Picking up the call, you hear a gentle hey. 

You immediately notice how much her voice changes over the phone, the rasp from the few times you've talked to her in person replaced by a much softer, lower tone.

She must be tired.

Sevika continues your earlier conversation about the science fair, and it makes you smile to hear just how invested she is in Powder succeeding.

A lot of parents you deal with couldn’t care less about their child's education and you’re glad that isn’t the case here. 

You speak cordially with each other, covering lots of possible topics that Powder could work on and the girl in question occasionally chimes in with her ideas, Sevika having put her phone on speaker as she cooks dinner. 

Eventually, she tells you it’s time for them to eat but she’ll call you back when they’re done, and you agree before hanging up and heading to the kitchen to have your own dinner. 

You’re heating up your leftovers in the microwave when you hear your roommate walk in and you turn around to greet her. 

She’s on her phone as she passes you, only raising her free hand in a quick greeting before she plops down on the couch, still texting.  

The microwave finally beeps so you grab your food and sit down next to her, grabbing the TV remote and putting on the reality show you watch together. 

You’re almost done with your meal and the episode when your phone starts to buzz on the coffee table in front of you. 

Leaning forward and seeing Sevika’s name, you look at your roommate apologetically. 

“I have to take this, it’s about the science fair.”

“Ooh, hot mom’s calling?”

Your friend laughs and you give her a playful elbow to the side before answering. 

“Stop, we have a lot of work to do before the first deadline.”

She smirks, not even looking at you as she changes the channel. 

“If you say so.”

You put the phone to your ear and get up to put your plate in the dishwasher, greeting Sevika as your roommate yells after you.

“Don’t take too long, we still have another episode and the reunion!”

Yelling back over your shoulder as you cover your phone with your hand, “I won’t!”

Putting your phone back to your ear, you can hear Sevika chuckling and the sound alone has you fighting back a smile. 

“Sorry about that, we’re a couple episodes behind on our show.”

You hear the gentle clinking of ice in a glass and a small gulp as you wait for Sevika’s reply. 

“We can finish this another time if you’re busy, I don’t wanna interrupt.”

Walking into your room and sitting on your bed, you start to shake your head before you remember she can’t see you and verbalize your answer. 

“No no, it’s fine, those housewives can wait.”

This time, you hear an inhale and subsequent exhale and wonder what it is she’s smoking. 

A cigarette? A cigar? A joint?

“Housewives, huh? Didn’t take you for a reality TV junkie.”

You slide a hand over your forehead, unsure of how to take Sevika’s tone. 

“Yeah…sometimes it’s nice to watch other people’s problems for once, you know? Just check out of my brain for a little.”

She hums in response. 

“I can understand that. I like to read biographies for the same reason. Makes me realize I’m not the only person in the world going through something.”

This is really the first time Sevika’s volunteered information about herself and your ears perk up instantly. 

“Oh really? What are you reading right now?”

Sevika realizes you’re not on the original topic of why she called but it’s getting late and it’s been a long week so her defenses aren’t as high as they usually are. 

Deciding that she feels comfortable telling you, she takes another sip of her drink and answers your question. 

“It’s about a man who applied to this big law firm over 20 times and was never accepted, but he met his wife when he came into their office and she was a secretary there. She ended up passing from cancer 10 or so years ago and her dying wish was for him to write the book he always talked about, so he did. But the entire thing is really just a love letter to her and how much he misses her.”

You don’t even realize how intently you’re listening to her talk until she’s done. 

“Wow, that’s…so sad.”

Sevika takes another drag and exhales deeply before answering. 

“In a way. But he talks about how lucky he feels to have had her in his life for so long and how he’d rather spend every day grieving her than live a life never having met her.”

You’re unsure how to respond to such a heavy statement, registering her almost longing tone.

Sevika continues when you don’t immediately say anything, not letting herself think about the fact that she’s rambling to her daughter’s teacher who she barely knows. 

She tells you more anecdotes from the book, about the man and his wife, and you listen to every word. 

So focused on the story and reminiscing, she doesn’t catch herself until she’s finished and you finally speak. 

“That sounds beautiful.”

Your response jolts her back to reality and she awkwardly clears her throat. 

“Sorry, that was a lot.”

“No, oh my gosh, it sounds like a really good book. I might have to check it out sometime.”

That gets a genuine smile from Sevika and she replies before she can think about it. 

“You can borrow my copy if you want, I’m almost done with it.”

Realizing what she said, she squeezes her eyes shut and leans back in her chair, hoping she didn’t sound eager. 

Or “thirsty”, as Vi and Powder would say. 

Little does she know, you’re on the other end of the line grinning like a fool, trying to keep it out of your voice. 

“That sounds great. I look forward to it.”

Choosing to ignore the fact that she basically explained the entire book, a small smile adorns Sevika’s face and she lets out a small sigh of relief. 

“I can send it with Powder on Monday if that works for you.”

Smile dropping slightly, you don’t know why you thought she’d hand deliver it when her daughter is literally in your class but you try not to let the disappointment seep into your reply. 

“Yeah! Monday, that works.”

Sevika is about to reply when you hear a door slide open and Powder’s voice in the background. 

“Are you coming in soon? You said we could watch a movie when you were off the phone and Isha’s starting to fall asleep.”

Sevika’s eyes widen, surprised at the amount of time that’s gone by since the beginning of the call and she looks at the clock on her phone. 

It’s been over an hour?

Her head drops, partly in embarrassment at being caught by her daughter and partly because she’s sad her conversation with you has come to an end. 

Huffing slightly, she rubs her face with her free hand and nods at Powder. 

“Alright, let me finish up here and I’ll be in in a couple minutes, baby.”

She turns her attention back to you, her normal stoic tone returning, and your heart skips against your chest without your permission, upset that it’s time for your goodbyes. 

“I uh…I gotta go. The girls are waiting on me for movie night.”

You have a sudden urge to try and keep her on the line but you quickly squash it. 

Knowing it’s ridiculous to think that just because Sevika is having a nice conversation with you, she’d want to stay on the phone over spending time with her daughters. 

You take a breath and give her a smile, even though she can’t see you. 

“Yeah, of course. Say hi to them for me.”

“I will. Good night.”

“Good night.”

You hang up the phone, leaning back against your pillows as you bring your hands up to your face and groan. 

That conversation did not help your situation. 

After you hang up, Sevika runs a hand through her hair, annoyed at herself for not even considering the amount of time that had passed while talking with you. 

Getting up and walking into the living room, she sees Powder sitting upside down on the couch and Isha in her usual spot, curled up on a pillow with the TV waiting to be played.

“Sorry, girls, I lost track of time.”

Sevika sits down on the couch, hitting play on the movie as Powder sits up and glances over at her. 

“Who were you talking to?”

Sevika looks over at her daughter and answers her honestly, never one to lie to her girls.

“Your chemistry teacher, we were going over some stuff for your project.”

Okay, maybe a half lie. 

Powder nods, accepting that response easily and turning to watch the movie. 

Sevika tries to pay attention but she keeps getting distracted by the memory of your voice through the phone, wondering if you always sounded so soft or if she was the exception to that.

That weekend passes quickly, neither of you reaching out as you were both extremely busy with your lives and Monday morning rolls around sooner than you expected. 

You’re at your desk, getting ready for the day when you hear footsteps walking in. 

Not bothering to look up, you greet your early bird like you do every class. 

“Good morning Ekko.”

“Um, it’s Powder actually.”

You pause your typing and turn your head to look at her, not anticipating her to be the first one to arrive. 

“Hey Powder, sorry, I wasn’t expecting you so early.”

She smiles softly at you and reaches into her bag, looking for something. 

“My mom wanted me to give you this?”

Pulling out the biography you were talking about a few days before, she hands it to you and you have to stop yourself from smiling. 

She remembered. 

“Oh yeah, she mentioned this was a good read and offered to let me borrow her copy. Thanks.”

You take the book and look back at your student, a hint of a smirk on your lips. 

“I heard she’s quite the bookworm.”

Powder laughs at your comment and nods her head, her hair bouncing adorably.

“Yeah, she has a library in her room. Just shelves and shelves of books.”

You tilt your head in thought, picturing Sevika surrounded by books everywhere. 

It’s not an unwelcome visual. 

Powder continues standing in front of your desk, telling you more random tidbits about her family; how they have movie nights every Friday, that she has an older sister in college, how Sevika loves to cook and the girls try to help but she always shoos them out of the kitchen. 

You soak it all up, pleasantly surprised that Powder feels comfortable telling you so much information.

She’s just getting to the topic of their favorite snacks when Ekko enters the room, interrupting Powder’s rant, and he says a quick hello before sitting down at his seat. 

You smile at him and wave as you turn back to Powder, who suddenly remembers where she is and stutters out a quick “I better get to my seat.”

Letting out a small laugh, you watch her walk over to her station and sit down next to Ekko. 

They’re not trying to tear each other’s heads off like they used to, but they’ve settled into this awkward agreement where they don’t speak unless it’s necessary. 

You’d be worried if they didn’t get their work done, but this silent partnership is working in their favor so you leave it alone for the moment.

The next few weeks are a blur, finals are approaching and so is the first submission deadline for the science fair. 

You and Sevika are back to communicating often, she lets Powder stay after school most days to work on her project, always picking her up with a homemade meal or dessert for you to take home. 

The first time she does it, you almost drop the Tupperware container, frozen at the realization that she cooked with you in mind. 

After she sees the grateful look on your face, and how you text her your thanks that night, she makes it a point to have something for you after every session. 

Another Friday rolls around and during class, you text Sevika and ask if it’s okay for Powder to take home her science project so she can work on it over break. 

“If you can’t, no worries, I can move some stuff around and take it home with me.”

She responds a few minutes later with a voice note – she says they’re faster than texting – and the message makes you swoon. 

“No she can bring it here, I have a couple projects in the garage but I’ll make room.”

Between what she says and the metallic noises in the background, the image of Sevika in her element springs into your mind. 

The way she would look bent over the hood of a car, her oil covered muscles flexing as she tightens a screw, her hand wiping sweat from her brow—

You jump back in your chair, phone still in hand and a couple students in your front row look at you in confusion. 

Giving them a tight smile, you quickly send her an “Ok” to Sevika and put your phone in your desk drawer.

Sevika quirks an eyebrow at your unusually blunt message, normally you reply with an exclamation point or an emoji or something. 

Once she gets off work, she heads home and sets up the garage for Powder’s project, moving her own stuff and setting up a mini workstation in a corner with a tarp down. 

The garage definitely looks like it belongs to a mechanic, she’ll say that. 

Getting a message from you that Powder’s project was ready to be picked up, she hops in her truck and heads over to the school, parking in the back by your classroom.

Sevika calls you when she arrives, and you quickly answer to let her know you’re on your way to open the back door for her. 

Hearing a creak, she looks over and sees your smiling face, a similar one blooming on hers. 

“Hey.”

You wave her inside as you respond gently. 

“Hi.”

The two of you stand in front of each other for a couple seconds before Sevika coughs into her fist, breaking the trance that you were both in. 

“Lead the way, miss.”

Sevika holds the door open and gestures for you to walk in first, and you have to look down to hide your giggle from her. 

You notice how she always calls you that when you’re on school grounds, but you definitely don’t mind it, even finding it sweet. 

Walking into your classroom, you go over to Powder and help her grab the boxes that her project was divided into. 

You’re headed for the biggest ones when Sevika rests a hand on the small of your back and walks past you. 

“Let me grab those.”

All you can do is watch as Sevika grabs the heaviest two, throwing one on top of her shoulder and settling the other against her hip. 

She turns around to face you and Powder as she nods her head towards the door. 

“Gonna toss these in the truck, be right back.”

“Not toss! Gently place.”

Powder makes sure to clarify, and Sevika laughs as she kisses the top of her head on her way out. 

“My bad, gently place.”

You wistfully watch Sevika leave the room, seeing her easily lift those boxes and then be so gentle with her daughter in the span of 30 seconds makes you feel things you didn’t know were possible.

Shaking yourself from your daze, you grab one of the smaller boxes and Powder grabs the last as the two of you head out to the back door into the parking lot. 

You see Sevika walking towards you two when she looks up and stops in her tracks. 

“What are you guys doing? I said I could grab the last boxes.”

An answer slips out before you can think about it.

“We didn’t want you making two trips.”

Sevika’s mouth opens to reply when you gesture at your classroom with a nod. 

“It’s not that far, plus we’re just strong like that.”

You instantly regret your choice of words as she quickly looks you up and down with an assessing eye. 

“I guess you are.” 

A shiver threatens to run up your spine but you’re somehow able to contain yourself. Mostly. 

Thankfully Sevika doesn’t acknowledge your reaction as she reaches out to place her hand on Powder’s shoulder. 

“Look how strong my baby is.”

Powder rolls her eyes in embarrassment and shrugs her off. 

“Mommm!”

Sevika throws her hands up in surrender and laughs, very well aware of her teenager’s antics. 

“All right, I get it. You’re too cool for me now.”

She walks over to her truck and opens the back door, grabbing the box from Powder and sliding it in before turning to you.

You lift the box towards Sevika at the same time she reaches for it, and her hands basically engulf yours as she takes it from you. 

The feel of your hands together renders you speechless, your breath feeling a little short in your chest. 

You think you see a hitch in her face as well but before you can look any longer, she’s already facing the truck, her broad back blocking your view. 

Snapping yourself out of it, you watch her carefully load the last box in, moving it around until she’s satisfied that it’s as safe as possible.

The door is shut with finality, Sevika facing you again as she shoves her gloved hands in her pockets. 

Her trusty leather jacket covering her, the slight fall breeze blowing her short hair out of her face, it’s all too much and you have to look away before you start staring. 

She breaks the silence before you can say your goodbyes. 

“I didn’t bring you anything today, my apologies.”

You face her again to respond, but she narrows her eyes to let you know she’s not done and you close your mouth immediately. 

“But as a thank you for helping Powder these past few weeks, we’d love to invite you over for dinner tonight. My cooking tastes much better fresh, I promise.”

That’s not at all what you expected her to say, and Sevika takes your delayed response as rejection. 

“Only if you’re free of course, it’s short notice and a Friday night, so you probably have plans—“

“I’d love to!”

Interjecting before she can take back her invitation, you smile at her, and then Powder, who’s absolutely beaming at you.

Sevika’s relief is immediate and she clears her throat, doing everything in her power not to look too eager. 

“Great! We should be done in a little over an hour, I can send you the address and you can come over when you’re ready. Does that work for you?”

You nod your head gently, just enough time to go home and spruce up.

“That’s perfect. I’m gonna head back inside and grab my stuff and I’ll see you in a bit!”

Sevika gives you a small smile, and you could’ve sworn the look lingered slightly before she got in her truck and left, Powder waving from the window. 

Taking a deep breath and letting it out as you walked back to your classroom, a sudden anxiety ran through you. 

You were having dinner with Sevika. 

And her daughters. 

At her house. 

It was both exciting and terrifying. 

It was the first time you would see the inside of her home, which is such an intimate thing, inviting someone into your personal space.

Catching yourself starting to freak out, you take a deep breath to calm down, not wanting to get too ahead of yourself. 

You gather your things as quickly as you can and head home, silently hoping no one is there so you don’t have to explain where you’re going.

When you arrive, you’re met with an eerily silent house and you breathe out a sigh of relief. 

Kicking off your shoes, you bee-line for your room, checking yourself out in the full length mirror and deciding if you should change or not. 

You decide against it, you don’t want to seem like you’re trying too hard but you do grab a thicker jacket, thinking of the chill coming later.

Your phone buzzes and you see the text preview from Sevika with an address listed. 

Suddenly, you remember something that makes you pause on your way out of your room. 

What the hell do I bring……

You start pacing back and forth, trying to think of something that says you’re grateful for the invitation but not overstepping your bounds.

Flowers? A bottle of wine? Some kind of dessert? 

Remembering a comment Powder made a couple of weeks ago, you quickly reapply your favorite body spray before grabbing your keys and setting off to the store.

After grabbing what you need, you arrive at Sevika’s house and give yourself one last look in your rearview mirror, checking for any imperfections. 

You realize how ridiculous you’re being and try to snap yourself out of it. 

“Relax. This isn’t a date, it’s a friendly dinner with your student’s family, nothing else. Just be calm.”

Shaking your head, you grab your items from the passenger seat and get out of the car, wrapping your coat a little tighter around yourself as you walk up the driveway. 

Your hand is just about to press the doorbell when the door swings open and a waving Isha reveals herself. 

Smiling at her, you ask her where Sevika is, and she points inside. 

Before you can say anything else, a voice rings out, and a figure emerges from around the corner right after. 

“Isha, I told you about— Oh.”

Sevika enters your line of sight as she approaches the front door and you have to stifle a giggle. 

She’s wearing a black apron that says “Kiss The Cook” in bold white letters with a red lipstick mark replacing the dot over the I, over a plain white tee that’s surprisingly spotless. 

As you take in the rest of her look, you see something you don’t remember noticing before. 

Her left arm is completely made of metal. A prosthetic. 

Realizing you’ve never seen her without a long sleeve or jacket and gloves, it clicks and you feel your mouth open slightly before shutting it, deciding that it’s none of your business.

Your gaze roams back up to her face, seeing her smile decorated with that adorable gap as she motions you inside. 

“Please, come in, it’s freezing out there.”

You cross the threshold, taking off your shoes, and Sevika reaches behind you to close the door and lock it. 

“Glad you could make it, I was starting to worry.”

“Yeah, sorry about that, I had to stop on my way to grab these.”

You grab the items from under your arm and raise them for her to see. 

A bag of cherry sours and a bottle of whiskey. 

Laughing out loud, Sevika covers her mouth in recognition.  

She mentioned that those were the girls’ favorite candy but were hard to find and somehow you managed. 

“Where did you find those? I looked everywhere!”

Smiling back at her, you let her in on your secret location. 

“There’s this corner store by my place, it’s run by an older man and his daughter and they have a bunch of super hard to find candy, even ones that have been discontinued.”

Isha reminds you of her presence as she squeals next to you and looks up at Sevika with puppy eyes. 

Sevika laughs at her youngest’s antics and glances back at you. 

“What do you say, Isha?”

The little girl quickly signs thank you and you giggle, the look on her face completely worth it as you hand her the bag and she runs into the kitchen.  

“None ‘til after dinner, I’m serious!”

Sevika yells after her, turning back to you as you lift the bottle in her direction. 

“A little birdie told me this was your poison.”

Her eyes flicker up to yours, a glint of something you can’t quite place in them. 

She looks back down at the bottle as she takes it in both of her hands, her mouth slightly open. 

“Oh wow, thank you, you didn’t have to bring me anything…”

“Of course I did, I know better than to show up at someone’s house empty handed. Especially after all the food you’ve brought me, are you kidding? I’d never forgive myself.”

Sevika chuckles at that, looking down at your coat and gesturing towards it. 

“Let me take that from you, it’s a lot warmer in here than it is out there.”

You start to slip it off yourself when you feel a warm hand reach under your collar and pull it off the rest of the way, hanging it on the coat rack next to the door. 

Looking up at Sevika, she gives you a small smile and nods her head towards the kitchen. 

“Come on, dinner’s just about ready.”

You follow her inside and the wonderful aroma you smelled earlier gets stronger, your eyes closing on instinct. 

“It’s my mom’s recipe, hope you like Indian food.”

Opening your eyes, you smile at her, nodding your head. 

“Sounds amazing.”

Sevika stands at the stove, serving the food into bowls as she yells over her shoulder for the girls to sit down, nodding at you too. 

“Take a seat, I’ll bring the food right over.”

As you move towards the table, you hear a “Hi, teach!” and suddenly Powder is hugging your side. 

“Hi Powder.”

You smile at the girl and squeeze her back as she lets you go and takes her seat at the table, Isha appearing and following right after. 

You look at the two empty seats left and take the one that doesn’t face the kitchen, assuming that spot is Sevika’s. 

Glancing around the room, you take it in for the first time. 

It’s not huge, but it’s cozy. Pictures of their family adorn the walls here and there, you see Isha and Powder and another girl you don’t recognize, their various milestones growing up, and they look happy in every single one. 

Looking next to the pictures, you notice a few medals and trophies, some with Powder’s name on it, those are science related, and there’s a few sports ones in there with another name.

Violet.

Sevika comes over soon after and sets bowls in front of everyone, sitting down in her spot, smiling at you. 

“Alright guys, let me know how it tastes, I haven’t made this in a while.”

The girls immediately start eating, giving their comments and compliments about the food. 

Grabbing your spoon, you dig in too and the second the flavors hit your tongue, you hum in pleasure. 

“Sevika, this is delicious!”

She has the audacity to look bashful, lowering her eyes for a second before raising them to meet yours as a gentle smile graces her face. 

“You like it?”

“I love it, you were right about your cooking tasting better fresh.”

She laughs, and Powder starts telling you all about how her classes went that week. 

Eventually, Isha joins the conversation and starts telling you about her best friend at school and you smile, laughing at her stories.

You don’t see Sevika’s eye on you as you talk enthusiastically with her daughters, but you feel her gaze the entire time. 

Chiming in occasionally, she mostly just watches how easy the conversation flows, like you’ve known them for ages, and she starts to feel a warmth spread through her chest.

Once you’re all done eating, Powder starts clearing the table and you walk over to the sink with her and start pulling up your sleeves. 

Whispering to her so a certain someone can’t hear you, you ask her a question. 

“Where do you guys keep your dish soap?”

Before Powder can answer, a voice rings out behind you and the two of you spin around like you’ve been caught with your hand in the cookie jar. 

“What are you guys– Are you doing the dishes?”

Sevika looks at you in shock and starts walking over, shooing Powder out of the kitchen and eventually standing in front of you, arms crossed. 

“Guests don’t do chores in my house.”

You look at her with a sheepish smile, nodding your head as you rub your neck. 

“Right, I just thought I’d try and help out, you cooked and the girls are handling the table so I felt like I should do something…”

Sevika cracks a smile and lets out a short laugh. 

“Don’t worry about it, that’s what the dishwasher is for.”

From the living room, you hear shocked gasps. 

“I thought you said it didn’t work! That we could only use it as a drying rack!”

Powder looks confused, and Isha is right next to her with a shocked expression. 

“I don’t let you girls use it because the first time Vi tried, she added too much soap and flooded the kitchen. Plus, too much technology makes you lazy, a little elbow grease goes a long way.”

Chuckling, she turns back to the sink and loads the dishes into the dishwasher. 

The girls groan and go back to quietly complaining to each other while you face Sevika and glance up at the clock on her kitchen wall. 

“So…I should probably head out soon, I don’t wanna overstay my welcome. Dinner was wonderful though, thank you so much for inviting me.”

Sevika pauses as she closes the dishwasher and stands back up, leaning against the edge of the counter. 

“You’re welcome, I’m glad you could make it.”

She glances out into the living room, seeing that the girls are distracted with finding a movie to watch. 

Turning back to you, she chews on her lower lip, knowing that she’d rather you not leave, but isn’t going to ask you to stay. 

“The girls really enjoyed themselves, I haven’t seen them talk that much to someone who wasn’t family…maybe ever, actually.”

Not holding back the grin adorning your face, you nod and glance over at them. 

“It’s easy to get along with them, they’re amazing kids.”

You look back at Sevika, locking eyes with her and letting yourself get lost in them. 

“You’re doing a great job.”

Sevika’s heart skips a beat and she gives you a soft smile. 

“Thanks, I….yeah, I hope I am.”

The fact that you said that to her, something she’s insecure about, the thought of her failing at being a parent always floating in the back of her mind, means a lot. 

She’s snapped out of her thoughts when you begin pushing yourself off the counter, signaling that it really is time to go. 

A tiny frown appears on her face, but she tries to cover it as she moves to walk you to the door.

When you reach the doorway, Sevika passes you your coat as she yells over her shoulder. 

“Come say bye, girls!”

Powder immediately jumps up from her place in the living room and runs over, sliding the rest of the way in her socks when she reaches you. 

“Wait, you’re leaving already?”

Isha walks over with a curious look on her face, eyes bouncing between you and Sevika. 

They finally land on you and she signs, you’re not going to stay for movie night?

Your heart squeezes at the fact that she wants to include you in their family tradition, and you glance up at Sevika, mouth slightly open. 

“Um, I’m—“

Powder cuts you off before you can get anything else out.

“Please stay, we were gonna watch that movie you told me about in class yesterday!”

Sevika’s lips are pursed together, trying to hold back a smile as she looks at her girls. 

“Hey, if she needs to leave, don’t try to guilt her into staying, come on.”

Eyes bouncing between the three of them, you let out a small smile. 

“I don’t mind staying, if it’s okay with you, Sevika.”

She lets out the grin she was holding back and nods her head gently, silently thanking her daughters. 

“That’s fine with me.”

The girls cheer and Isha grabs your hand, leading you into the living room, to the couch and sitting next to you. 

Powder grabs their snacks, including the cherry sours you brought, and puts them in a bowl on the coffee table, taking a seat on the floor in front of the couch. 

You hear some shuffling in the kitchen and look over to see Sevika tidying up before walking over and sitting down on the other side of Isha. 

Realizing the little girl is the only barrier between you two, you clear your throat and shift in your seat, suddenly nervous.

Sevika’s eyes are immediately drawn to you, catching the movement and she realizes you’re trying to keep your distance. 

Her attention is quickly stolen though as Powder turns on the movie and Isha makes herself comfortable, crossing her legs and leaning into you. 

The opening credits start playing and Sevika relaxes in her spot, trying to keep her focus on the screen. It’s hard to though, knowing you’re this close.

Eventually, she feels the need to move and leans back into the couch as her right arm stretches along the top of it, flexing her fingers when they lightly bump into something. 

You snap your gaze in the direction of whatever just touched your head, seeing an embarrassed Sevika looking at you. 

She mouths a sorry and you giggle, responding with an it’s okay and turn your head back towards the TV, covering your mouth to hide your smile.

Sevika is relieved when you’re quick to reassure her, she was worried that you wouldn’t take the contact as the innocent mistake that it was. 

Hearing you giggle makes her heart flutter and it helps in calming her down, a smile appearing on her face. 

You end up making it through the rest of the movie without incident and it’s almost midnight when Sevika turns to the girls, ending credits rolling on the screen.  

“Okay guys, it’s time to head to bed.”

Groaning, Powder sits up and looks at her mom with puppy dog eyes. 

“Aww, but we wanted to watch another movie…”

Isha yawns and rubs her eyes, only proving her mom’s point.

Sevika tilts her head at her daughter, quirking an eyebrow. 

“That was the deal babe, we have plans tomorrow, remember?”

“Fiiiiine.”

Powder throws herself back onto the ground for dramatic effect, making her mom laugh. 

“You’ll live, come on.”

Sitting up again, Powder goes over and gives you a quick hug. 

“Good night, teach.”

Then she plods over to her sister and pats her leg. 

“C’mon Ish, you too.”

Isha stands up and signs goodnight to you, giving you a big hug that warms your heart. 

Sevika rubs her back and motions to their rooms with her head, telling them to go on. 

“I’ll be there in a bit to tuck you guys in.”

The girls round the corner and disappear down the hallway, leaving you to turn back to Sevika, leaning your head on your propped up fist. 

Your breath catches in your throat as you take in the sight before you. 

Sevika’s head is tilted back against the wall, eyes closed and hands rubbing her face, eventually interlocking and settling on top of her head.

Short hair framing her chiseled features, a soft expression replacing her usual stoic one. 

Your eyes wander to the white tee stretching over her broad shoulders, her bicep lightly flexing.

Lowering your gaze, you see that her shirt has slightly ridden up and a hint of her lower stomach has exposed itself to you.

Doing a double take, you notice a trail of hair from her belly button that disappears into her waistband. 

You quickly look back up to her face, afraid you’ve been caught. 

Thankfully, Sevika is blissfully unaware, her eyes still shut as she mentally prepares herself to get the girls settled for bed. 

You let out an internal sigh of relief and start thinking about how tonight went, how easy it felt talking to the girls and laughing with them.

Sevika opens her eyes once again and drops her hands into her lap, turning to find you already looking at her. 

She suddenly feels self conscious, thinking that you’ve been studying her without her noticing, and her body stiffens. 

Were you looking at her arm? Did it freak you out? She should’ve casually mentioned it before, or put a jacket on when she came to the door—

She clears her throat and looks down at her sleeve, picking at the cuff of her shirt. 

Realizing that she’s uncomfortable, you let her know what you were thinking to ease her mind. 

“Tonight was really fun, I’m glad I stayed. I haven’t had a night like that in a while.”

Relaxing a bit, Sevika meets your eyes again.

“I’m happy to hear that, I’m sure the girls are too. They really like having you around.”

Looking at her sitting there, you’re once again struck by how beautiful she is, but also by how vulnerable she seems right now.  A complete switch from the tough front she normally puts up. 

She shifts to face you, bending one leg onto the couch as she lays her hands in her lap. 

Your knees are now a hair away from touching, and you can feel the tension in the air. 

Gazing into each other’s eyes for a couple more seconds, you open your mouth to say something when a buzzing in your pocket announces itself. 

The bubble you two were in now broken, you mumble out an apology as you fish your phone out and see a text from your roommate. 

Are you coming home tonight so I can put the top lock on?

Sighing, you shoot her a quick reply letting her know you’re on your way and look back up at Sevika, her gaze flicking from your phone to your face.

“Time to go?”

You nod and send a sad smile her way, standing up from the couch and stretching, having been sitting for a couple of hours straight. 

Sevika stands up as well and follows you to the front door, watching as you grab your coat and move to put it on. 

Suddenly, you feel her standing behind you, moving into your space to help slide it the rest of the way. 

Her hands rest lightly on your shoulders, the contact making your breath hitch for a second as her warmth seeps through the fabric.

Clearing her throat, she takes a step back and puts her hands in her back pockets.

“Let me know when you get home.”

Looking up at her, you see a faint hint of worry in her eyes. 

You smile warmly at that, knowing it’s the mom in her but also at how cute her expression is. 

“I will.”

Sevika lets out a breath that she was unconsciously holding, a small smile appearing on her face as she opens the door for you.

“Drive safe.” 

“Will do.”

You take a step over the threshold and pause, unsure if you should hug her or just leave. 

She seems to sense your hesitation and closes the distance between you, pulling you into a brief but firm hug. 

Her scent envelopes you, bringing an inexplicable sense of comfort, and you start to lean into her before she gently pulls away.

She pats your arm before shoving her hands back in her pockets and clearing her throat. 

“Night.”

You want to laugh at her sudden awkwardness but walk out instead, looking over your shoulder and lightly waving as she watches you the entire way to your car. 

Not until you finish warming it up and drive off a couple minutes later does she finally close the door.

Slumping against it, Sevika takes a deep breath, groaning as she realizes how she reacted to the hug. 

Shaking her head, she moves away from the door and walks towards the girls’ rooms, wanting to tuck them in so she can head to bed.

She knocks on Isha’s door and steps in, seeing her curled up on her side, already asleep. 

Kissing her forehead, she closes the door to her room and walks into Powder’s, who’s on her phone watching a video. 

“Time for bed.”

Powder looks up at her and nods, locking her phone and putting it on her nightstand. 

“We should have her over again, that was fun.”

Sevika laughs softly and sits down on the edge of the bed, smoothing out any wrinkles in Powder’s comforter. 

“Ok, kid.”

Pressing a kiss to her forehead, she switches off the bedside lamp and walks to the door, grabbing the handle. 

“Night, babe.”

“Night, mom.”

Sevika closes the door gently and heads to her room, yawning on the way. 

Pieces of the evening flash through her mind as she goes through her nightly routine and she catches herself, suddenly getting worried. 

What am I doing? It was just a friendly dinner.

Shaking her head, she tries to clear her thoughts of you as she climbs into bed, hoping she has a dreamless sleep. 

When you arrive home, you make sure to fully lock the door as you kick off your shoes, the exhaustion finally creeping in. 

You whip out your phone to let Sevika know you made it safely and she hearts the message immediately, causing you to smile.

Hearing noise coming from the living room, you walk in and see your roommates all there watching TV. 

“There you are! We didn’t think you were gonna be out this late.”

You wave at them and walk over to the couch, plopping onto it as they look you up and down. 

“Had a good night?”

Giggling, you nod and lean back into the couch, debating on how much to tell them. 

“I had fun, yeah.”

One of your roommates raises an eyebrow at you, poking your leg. 

“We need a little more than that. Spill, were you on a date or something?”

You smile at their prying and let out a short laugh. 

“No, no, it was just a dinner thing.”

They share a look at your denial, not buying it. 

“Mhm, sure it was. Just a dinner thing that lasted for…” one of them looks at the clock, “how many hours?”

You roll your eyes at her and poke her shoulder. 

“It’s really not a big deal, we just watched a movie and hung out. The kids wanted me to stay longer.”

The room suddenly turns silent and you realize what you’ve said when everyone turns to look at you. 

“What do you mean, ‘kids’? Where were you?”

Not able to lie your way out of this, you decide to just tell them where you were but omit any other details, knowing they’ll blow it out of proportion. 

“Sevika’s…”

The second her name leaves your mouth, your roommates start squealing and cheering. 

“Hello?! How the hell did that happen?!”

You try to hide your smile at their reactions, feeling heat creep up your neck. 

“It wasn’t like that, she invited me over for dinner as a thank you for helping Powder with her project, and then her girls wanted me to stay for their movie night, so I did. No biggie.”

“What do you mean ‘no biggie’, you had a whole domestic ass night with them!”

At her words, you suddenly freeze, realizing that’s exactly what happened. 

You spent the entire night practically as a member of Sevika’s family.

Seeing your reaction, your roommates try to diffuse the situation as gently as possible. 

“I mean, um, it wasn’t really that domestic, like you said, it was just dinner and a movie, super casual.”

You nod your head, barely listening to what they’re saying, suddenly deciding that you need to be alone. 

“Yeah…I’m gonna head to bed, I’m pretty tired from the day, see you guys tomorrow.”

As you get up from the couch, your roommates all quietly tell you good night, and you vaguely hear a light slap and an ow behind you. 

Reaching your room, you close the door and stand there, thinking about your roommate’s words. 

Did Sevika also think about tonight that way?

Sighing, you change into your pajamas and brush your teeth, ready for this day to be over. 

You drag yourself into bed and climb under your covers, hoping sleep will overtake you as soon as possible, but one thought bounces around your head unrelentingly. 

You have a crush.

[literaryslapshot]

LUNCH ⎯ C. Berzatto

carmen interviews a new girl for the recent waitressing job at the bear, and she's been the recent reason for his journal entries the past two weeks.

carmen berzatto x fem!reader

warnings: sexual themes (18+ MDNI), cuss words, carmen being super whipped but also kind of a perv, reader is kind of a ditz but so am i, reader has tats because i do too, reader also doesnt have much dialogue bc it's mostly from his pov.

word count: 1k

a/n: not really based off any specific episode or season in the series. i just love carmy so much <3

"Chef i need you to take over for at least an hour, i got an interview in 10." Carmen instructed Sydney, walking into the office as the kitchen staff began to prepare for open. The staff- mainly Sydney, Richie, and Carmen desperately needed a waiter in house. With how busy the restaurant was beginning to get they needed more than Nat out there.

"Are you gonna hire her?" Sydney asked; Carmen had briefed her about the applicant a day prior. He sat down, refreshing himself on the resume before meeting with her.

"Well she's the only applicant so far, so I don't really think I have a choice chef," before he could finish his thought he heard the chime of the entrance door. Glancing down at the time it read 10:51.

Early, off to a good start, he said to himself quietly. He gave one puff of cologne on his neck to try and musk the smell of kitchen before going out into the front of house to start the interview. Carmen forgot how to breathe for just a few seconds when he saw her- easily the most beautiful person he's seen walk in his restaurant.

"Um- Hi I'm Carmen Berzatto, the owner, you must be Y/N?" He introduces through a deep breath and a shaky hand that he extends. She takes it with a smile, following his lead. The soft taps of her high top converse against the tile floor, the flow of her skirt twirling as she turns in front of him slightly. It's exhilarating.

"Can I get you something to drink before we start? Water, a soda, coffee?" He offers, standing tall next to the table side. She grins and shakes her head denying his offer, her sweet sounding voice making butterflies flutter around in his stomach. That hasn't happened in a while.

They make small talk for a little while, Carmen asking pre-thought out ice breakers before getting to the real questions. But if he's honest with himself he isn't even listening to her answers. He's too focused on the way her lips move and how she purses her lips when she thinks about an answer.

He's taken great notice of the tattoos she has on her arms, in similar places to his own, all black outlined like his too. one is written in french, he assumes, right above her wrist on her arm. One is two small birds on the inside of her forearm. He wants to pause the interview just to talk about what they all mean to her. Partially because he wants to hear her voice for the rest of his life. He wants to press record on his phone and listen to her talk about whatever she wants to, her voice is that angelic.

"Can I ask you what the tattoo on your hand means?" she asked and he thought he was going to faint because she grabbed ahold of his hand gently to get a better look at it. She giggled when she got a better look at the artwork.

"It's to remind me to be careful when I chop vegetables, essentially," Carmen explained with a chuckle. "What does the one on your wrist mean?"

"Terre à terre, down to earth. I dont want to stray too far from who I was raised to be, so that's a reminder. I also have a couple more in french- my grandmother was french so I have a lot of french things in my life." She pulls up the sleeve of her shirt to reveal another tattoo, "étoile filante, shooting star. The first time I saw a shooting star was on my sixteenth birthday, my worst birthday actually."

He reminded himself to close his mouth because he knew he was about to start drooling, hearing the way her silky voice sounded even better in a foreign language.

He breezed through the interview, Natalie insisting that even though there are no other applicants and she'll probably get the job, do it the right way. "I'll give you a call by the end of the week, Y/N. It was a pleasure having you today." He shows her out of the restaurant, walking her to her car for safety, of course."

When Carmen got back inside, before he got to joining the team in prepping for the lunch crowd he pulled out his journal that he started to carry with him. It was full of various things: different dinner ideas to try out on the menu for a special, addresses, phone numbers, and other journal entries. he's made a habit of journal three times a week and he has a feeling he's going to be doing it a lot more with Y/N joining the team.

-

I could eat that girl for lunch. She smelled sweet like fuckin brownies or something, rich and delicious. Her tattoos, her gold necklaces, her smile, her skirt. I feel like a perv but god i know her skin would be so soft, and she'd have the best blind reactions to recipes, and i bet she'd taste good too. I'm closing the applications, this Y/N chick is gonna be the death of me.

-

"Hi Y/N, this is Carmen from The Bear, how're you?" he couldn't even wait a full 24 hours before he hired her. Embarrassing. "I just wanted to call and let you know that we're offering you the job if you are still interested." He bit the cap of his pen with a grin hearing her cheer and laugh on the other side of the phone. "Yea- yeah that's great, listen could you start Monday? I'll get you trained n'all that."

Carmen ends the phone call and moves some papers around on his desk, printing the papers for Y/N and putting them in her folder. He couldn’t stop grinning like a kid from hearing her excited voice over the phone.

Instantly he’s thinking of a million things to write in his journal about her. But he doesn’t have time, he needs to prep the special for tonights dinner service before anything else. Carmen will be thinking of her, however. Thinking of how soft her hands must be, or how sweet her chapstick tastes. He'll think of how it'll be nice to have her around, not just the help but to have someone with a softer tone around the place, too.

He thinks about Y/N while making glaze, mixing everything together to get that perfect spicy honey taste, he's imagining how her face lights up when she laughs. He doesn't even really know her yet but he's already making up what a first date would be like. He'd take her out for coffee, go see a movie, then go for a walk. But not too late, though. Even if she might be a night owl it's still inappropriate to keep a girl out past ten, at least that's what he read in some magazine a long time ago.

"Chef you ready to prep the team for tonight?" Sydney asked, interrupting his thoughts. He stumbled, dropping the spoon into the bowl and biting his tongue.

"Fuck- yeah, yeah I am."

-

"'M gonna go over the menu with you, if m'goin too fast then stop me." He pulls up a chair and tucks his hair behind his ears. Setting the laminated piece of paper in front of her, explaining each dish to her in firm detail. Carmen watches as her french tip acrylic nails trace along the menu, guiding along the words that he says from memory.

She's impressed, shocked even that he came up with this himself. She jokes that she can't cook and it gains a laugh from him.

"I'll teach you a few things, if ya want." He didn't mean for it to come out sounding like he was hitting on her...but secretly he was. Since when was he that slick with words?

-

I can't stop thinking about her. She's on my mind all the fuckin' time. She smelled really good, must have been her shampoo. I would love to just sit with her there, not sexually. Just be. I bet she's really calm and chill. I'd love to get ready with her in the mornings, again not sexually. To spend time, to laugh, to talk. I could eat that girl for lunch.

-

When Carmen walks into the front he catches Y/N taking pictures in the mirror by the entrance. He chuckles, watching her pose and smile. She turns around and gasps, cheeks getting darker when she realizes she's gotten caught.

"Sorry, the mirror is just so aesthetic."

"That? Um, okay? Guess we have different opinions of what aesthetic is." Carmen guides her to the back counter, teaching her how to count inventory of everything.

He feels out of place- no, he feels gross when he watches her bend down. He sees a peek of white lace stick out from the band of her jeans and he knows he shouldn't stare, but he can't help his mind from wandering. He wanders about what other types of underwear she might have, if she has any special ones, what they'd feel like wrapped-

"Carmen!" Sydney snaps him out of his daydream. "Sorry to interrupt, but you have a phone call from the AC guy." He's pulled away, for the better, but he knows he's going to write about this as soon as he gets the chance.

-

I'm interested in more than just being her boss. I could eat her alive, i'd let her take a seat on me wherever she wants for however long she wants. She'd taste like....like sweet watermelons on a sunny summer day. Yeah, something like that. She can't be real can she? I don't know how long I can keep acting professional. I just know she'd be the one for me.

・。♡.・゜✭・.・✫・゜✭・。. ♡・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜♡・。

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