#a hottie trying to cool his hotness levels down to no avail

[bird-inacage]

Call Me By Fire S3 | Mr Consistently Handsome

He could be wearing a goddamn bear suit and you'd still be like 'yeahh, that is one sharp looking dude.'

[secretlystephaniebrown]

Pineapples Don’t Belong on Pizza

First prompt done! @sroloc--elbisivni requested I write the Suckington Pizza Delivery Guy AU which I talked about ages ago (found here!) on encouragement of @whimsical-writer, whose birthday happens to be today! Happy Birthday Heza, hope you have a great day!

Pairings: Sucker, Suckington

Warnings: Possibly for mild sexual harassment in a workplace setting? IDK It’s Kai and Tucker hitting on Wash the pizza delivery man, I’m not entirely sure how else it was going to turn out. 

Also on Ao3

It starts, like most things in Kai’s life do, with a challenge.

“No way we can order every single item on the menu from that place before it closes,” Tucker says. He’s sitting on the couch, completely naked. Kai is so glad that she’s finally dating someone with a sensible approach to nudity.

“We’ve got like, two months,” Kai argues.

Tucker pauses, considering. “Well, no harm in trying, right?”

“And then we don’t have to cook for like, ages!” Kai grins.

“True!” He glances at the TV, where the video game match with their friends is starting up. “You joining?”

“Nah, I’ll place the order,” Kai says, and starts her hunt for her cell phone while Tucker grabs the controller and starts talking shit at Dex and their friends.

Freelancer Pizza is a weird, local place, and apparently half of the management just got arrested for like, tax fraud and/or attempted murder. But it’s open for the next six weeks still, so Kai feels relatively confident they can make their way through the menu.

She calls the number and talks with the cranky lady on the other end, ordering a large supreme with everything on it—and she means everything, because Freelancer is awesome and has all sorts of weird shit available. Kai’s always had a fondness for pineapple on pizza, and it’s cool that this place has it as an option beyond the shitty “Hawaiian” pizza that most places have.

“It’ll be there in half an hour,” the lady tells her. Kai nods cheerfully and goes in search of the beer, which they hid again yesterday cuz Tex and Church had come over to visit, and those two zero in on any alcohol that’s left in their proximity. Realizing it’s probably rude to show off her tits to a random delivery person—although really, anyone should be glad to see them, her tits are fantastic—she grabs a baggy t-shirt and a pair of pantie and puts them on.  

Tucker’s cursing out Sarge for giving away their position—why he plays with the gross old guy is beyond Kai, but whatever. Beer in hand, she passes him one and curls up next to him on the couch, playing games on her phone while they wait for the pizza to arrive.

Several matches later for Tucker, and several levels later for Kai, the doorbell rings. Kai leaps to her feet, barely remembering to grab her wallet so she can pay the guy.

She throws open the door, expecting to see their normal teenager with glasses—Church’s cousin Theta is their usual delivery guy, and the poor kid always looks at her like she’s gonna punch him, but it’s not.

Instead, the new guy is hot. Dyed-blonde hair, steely grey eyes, muscles, a jawline that Kai could use to slice the pizza… Kai is so glad Tucker’s a sensible guy about her ogling other people, because yep, Kai is ogling, and she’s not about to stop, because this guy is a regular dream boat, and she’s appreciating.

“Large supreme with everything on it and… extra pineapples?” The guy makes a face. Clearly, despite being hot, he has no taste in pizza. Well, it’s good to know he’s not too good to be true.

Kai grins, letting her eyes sweep up and down him again, because she has no shame. “That’s right,” she says, pulling out the bills. Tucker looks up, and his eyes go wide as he takes in the hot pizza guy, because her man has excellent taste.

Kai’s tempted to invite the guy in, because hello, she wants to see what he looks like under that ugly uniform, but she sees like five other pizzas in his hand, so he’s got work to do. And Sheila says Kai can’t sleep with people when they’re on the job, it gets them “fired” and things like that.

“What’s your name?” She asks, handing over the money.

He sighs, and it’s only then that Kai realizes he hasn’t even glanced at her legs, which she’s almost offended by, because her legs are great.

“Wash,” he says, taking the money. “Do you want change?

“Keep it,” she grins, and he nods briefly before leaving.

Kai takes the pizza and sits down next to Tucker again.

“We’re going to bang him,” Tucker says.

“Duh.”

Tucker grins at her, and this, this here is why she loves him, he’s gets her. She pops open a beer and they knock their cans together and start in on the pizza.

They order again the next day, this time going for the stuffed crust. Tucker gets to pick this time, so no extra pineapple, because well, he’s not perfect, but he does bring home some nice beer after work so she supposes she can forgive him.

Tucker gets to answer the door this time, and sure enough, it’s Wash the hottie again. Thank you shrinking staff, Kai thinks, grinning. Tucker’s opted to go shirtless, wearing only baggy sweatpants that hang suggestively low on his hips, and Kai approves. If they can’t go naked, there’s no reason why they can’t show off. And she likes it when Tucker shows off his abs like that.

Tucker tips generously, then invites Wash in for an extra tip. Kai can hear him sigh loudly, then close the door behind him, which Kai decides is a no for now.

“Was he looking?” She asks, because that’s really the most important question here.

“Hell yeah,” Tucker says, flexing. He pauses. “But he might have been looking at the scars,” he admits. Kai frowns. If Wash is the kind of guy who’s gonna stare at Tucker’s scars, maybe they shouldn’t bang him after all. Rude. She climbs on Tucker’s lap and starts kissing him to try to distract him from those kinds of thoughts, and when she’s done they drink the fancy beer and eat the only slightly cold pizza, and Kai is willing to consider that a successful round 2.

Tucker is willing to bet that their plan is going to work by the end of week one when Wash hasn’t gotten tired of their flirting. He doesn’t get that “exasperated, why is this my life” look that Tucker is half-waiting for. Instead, he just continues to awkwardly avoid all of it, but he’s staring more and more, as if intrigued by everything it is they do.

Kai is the one who has the idea of wearing bathrobes one day. Tucker goes to answer the door, and Tucker flirts with Wash for a good three minutes before she “comes out” to “see what’s taking so long”, and wraps her arms around his waist and kisses his neck while Wash stares.

It’s kind of fun, playing this kind of long-game seduction, but it is getting frustrating, because Wash won’t ever do more than stare and get slightly turned on. He always runs afterwards, even though they know he’s not seeing anyone, cuz Kai asked on day three. Tucker’s not quite sure what the hang up is, but whatever, it’s not like they’re in a hurry. There’s still five weeks until Freelancer closes, and they’re going to make the most of it.

And hopefully see Wash’s ass by the time they’re done, because the other day he wore skinny jeans with his uniform shirt and they’re fairly certain that it would be possible to bounce a quarter off that ass. (Tucker wants to try it once they actually get him in bed, cuz that would be fun.)

“Wait, you’re trying to seduce Wash?” Tex asks him the next day when she swings by the next day.

“You know him?” Tucker asks eagerly.

“I used to work at Freelancer, remember?” Tex says.

“Right.” Tucker had actually forgotten that—Tex has been a private chef for so long, he forgot she’d been making pizzas at a shitty local place for years when they’d first met her. “What? Is it a bad idea?”

Tex pauses, considering. Then she starts laughing. “Nah,” she says. “I think it’s just fine.”

Tucker decides to take that as implicit encouragement, and so does Kai.

“Maybe,” Tucker says thoughtfully. “Maybe he’s holding out because he’s on the clock? Doesn’t want to bang people while he’s working?”

Kai nods, considering. “But the point is to seduce the pizza guy,” she complains. “That’s how it works in porn.”

Tucker has to concede she has the point there. “I don’t know,” he says. “We’ll keep trying. If he holds out until it closes we’ll get Tex to introduce us properly.”

Kai agrees that this is an acceptable plan, and the two of them start choreographing out their next order so they can lure Wash inside.

The biggest element, they determine, is to be the last order on Wash’s list. Niner, the lady on the phone, has managed to figure out their plan, and has explained to them that Wash doesn’t have to come back to Freelancer after his last delivery of the night—so once he delivers their pizza, he’s off the clock, but it still counts, because he just delivered a pizza. It’s going to take precise timing, and a little bribery to manage to get things just so they’re the last order on the list. Tex has advice for bribing Niner—apparently, she has a weakness for the strong, good coffee beans Tucker can get from work, and fresh produce that Kai can get from the farmer’s market on her way to work, so they manage to come to an understanding with Niner.

It’s been two weeks of attempted seduction, and Kai and Tucker are pretty sure they’ve managed to work out enough of Wash’s buttons to try to hit all of them at once.

They set the stage carefully, then place the order at the last possible second. Niner laughs at them as she takes their order—one thick crust meat lovers with extra pineapple and one thin crust with sardines and anchovies, because Niner says that’s what Wash likes—and wishes them good luck before she hangs up the phone.

Now all they have to do is wait.

Wash has reached the point where he’s counting the minutes until Freelancer closes and he’s free forever. Sure, he has absolutely no idea what he’s going to do afterwards—he hasn’t had an interview with any of the places he’s applied to yet, but surely something will come along, even if he has to take York up on his offer to cook at his bar.

He pulls back in, and Niner glances up apologetically. “One last order Wash.” She grins wickedly. “From your favorite customers.”

Wash moans, pressing his forehead against the steering wheel. “Every night,” he groans. Tucker and Kai, the inhabitants of the apartment, are two of the most attractive people Wash has ever encountered, and not only that, but they flaunt it. And they somehow managed to zero in on Wash’s staring, and are determined to make fun of him for it.

Niner just laughs at him and passes him the pizza. Wash gives her the cash for it like he usually does for the last order, so he can just take their payment and go home. Wash takes a deep breath and heads towards their apartment—it’s not that far from Freelancer, or too far from his own place, which is nice, because Wash can almost guarantee he’ll need to jerk off after whatever ridiculous stunt they’re going to pull this time.

It’s Tucker—the guy—who greats him at the door this time. He’s actually wearing a shirt for once. Well, more specifically, he’s wearing a flimsy red tank top that shows off his shoulders that bears the words “ORGASM DONOR” in white lettering. He grins at Wash. “Hey!”

“Hi,” Wash says, eyes sweeping the room behind him for Kai automatically. It’s not polite to stare, after all, even if Tucker’s arms are well defined, and the tank top’s riding up, exposing just the barest hint of his stomach.

“Long day?” Tucker asks.

“Yes,” Wash says shortly.

“Bet we could make it longer,” Kai calls from the couch, and Wash’s gaze flickers over to her—she’s wearing a crop top and cut-off denim shorts that show off her thighs and stomach, and Wash feels his mouth go dry.

“This your last delivery?” Tucker asks, leaning against the doorway, which causes the shirt to ride further up. Wash swallows.

“Yes,” he manages to say, his eyes darting between the two of them.

Tucker grins at him. “Want to come in?” He asks. “Have a beer?”

“I—” Wash suddenly doesn’t think they’re teasing him. Tucker passes him the money, and Wash takes it automatically, passing him the pizza box, but Tucker leaves the door open. “Well?”

“I—” Wash feels his resolve crumpling. It’s got to be better than going back to his empty apartment; he really needs to listen to Carolina and just get a cat already. Kai stands up and walks to the fridge, bending down to fetch something, giving Wash an amazing view for a few seconds before he forces his eyes back to Tucker, not that he’s staring less at him, not with those shoulders. “Sure,” he finally says.

He finds himself sitting on their couch, a beer in one hand and a slice of pizza in the other before he can even realize what he’s doing, or register what a terrible idea this is. They’d ordered two pizzas for once, and somehow his favorite was one of them, and Wash usually avoids pizza now that he works at a pizza place, but Niner still makes really good pizza, and Wash is tired and hungry, so he finds himself eating hungrily, still trying not to stare at Kai and Tucker.

“Did you put extra pineapple on a meat-lover’s pizza?” Wash asks, scandalized.

Kai grins. “What? Don’t like it?”

“Dude, you put fish on your pizza, you don’t get to judge us,” Tucker adds.

“Pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza,” Wash says. “It’s a fruit.”

“So’s tomatoes,” Kai says, sticking her tongue out at him, and there’s sauce just at the corner of her mouth, and all Wash wants to do is reach over and brush it away (or maybe kiss it off) but he holds himself back, because that would be too much. Far, far too much.

Kai catches him looking. “Something on my face?” There’s a look in her eye he can’t place.

“I—yes. Sauce. Corner of your mouth.” He takes a large gulp of beer to try to hide the flush he can feel on his face.

Kai starts to try to clean it off, but—but she’s on the wrong side, she’s missing it, and finally Wash just reaches out and brushes it off with his thumb.

“There,” he says. Kai lowers her lashes at him, and Wash really wants to kiss her right now, but that would be so many levels of inappropriate, because she’s got a boyfriend (never mind that Wash has been fantasizing about Tucker’s shoulders this whole time) and he’s sitting right there.

“Thanks,” she says, and she leans closer. “You know,” she says. “I think you’ve got something on your face too. Riiiiight,” she moves right into Wash’s space, “there.” And then she’s kissing him, and Wash nearly falls backwards onto the couch.

She pulls back almost instantly. “Sorry,” she says. “You not into that?”

“I—Tucker—Kai—what?”

Tucker and Kai both stare at him. “You think we got your favorite pizza by accident dude?” Tucker asks, snickering. “It took like five bags of coffee to bribe that info out of Tex.”

“I mean we also got the meat lovers, cuz you know, we always need more sausage in our life,” Kai says, holding out her hand for Tucker to smack in a high-five.

“You know—wait, what?”

“We’ve been trying to seduce you for two weeks now,” Tucker says. “Did you seriously not notice?” He’s grinning at Wash, moving closer. If they weren’t making fun of Wash before, they certainly are now, Wash realizes. But not for the reasons he’d expected.

Wash goes over the entire situation in his head, and determines that the only rational response to all of this is to kiss that smirk off Tucker’s face.

Clearly