#a highlight of my month is reading all the accumulated chapters

[hehearse]

i love s classes a normal amount........ totally feeling normal about them..........

[archive-z]

rambling abt my notetaking methods as someone with memory problems for @divorceblogger

i am not an organised person by nature, but in my apartment Everything Must Have Its Designated Place, and that place must be the most intuitive place i will look for something — keys Must be hanging by door, bc if i leave my keys literally anywhere else (coat pocket, bag) i will NOT remember and then i will not be able to lock my door & leave for the day. the goal is work with my brain, not against it. things should be in the most intuitive place possible, and if they can’t be, i should “leave a trail of breadcrumbs” in order to help myself find what i KNOW i will forget. this is also a strategy i apply to my world of Concepts and IdeasTM.

previously, i was organising my notes into a google doc where each entry was dedicated to a single book/chapter/essay, with (1) a summary of the text, (2) relevant quotations transcribed & cited, (3) my own thoughts responding to the material, and (4) other works in the bibliography that i should check out.

This presented several problems: google doc quickly became massive an unwieldy for a 2-year research project & v laggy

lots of closely related ideas existed in isolation bc it was organised by-book instead of concept-first

couldn’t remember where to find shite bc i would have to recall the exact book the idea was from to find it (BAD for the “trail of breadcrumbs” approach)

very linear process — read & summarised one text, moved on to the next. not letting ideas “accumulate“ (build upon each other) bc it was difficult to search/constantly have to refresh myself on notes i’d made six months to a year ago

~late 2021 or early 2022, this talk is what rly sold me on adopting obsidian. i started using obsidian as my primary notetaking tool, specifically for its ability to hyperlink between concepts & display those connections in graph view (picture above). it solved the problems above with the added benefits of being Not Google & being able to sync to my phone/ipad/laptop (via icloud).

now my process looks like:

Step One: Read the material in its entirety while highlighting and making notes in the margins

by entirety I mean like full article, full chapter. if it is a full book, this is going to take multiple sittings bc i only have the cognitive stamina to absorb one chapter at a time. trying to push thru mental fatigue will exacerbate memory problems into a self-fulfilling spiral. the highlighting & annotating is absolutely essential bc it lets me talk back to the book while reading, without the cognitive fatigue/loss of momentum of stopping read to type up notes, etc.

Step Two: Go thru the material again from the beginning, this time transcribing important quotations into a note

somehow people have gotten zotero to talk to their obsidian by tbqh i haven’t bothered bc i’m fairly fast at writing my citations, and the plugins rabbit hole seems like a massive upfront time investment to me.

Step Three: talk back to the material, write my own thoughts & summaries, make connections with other works/ideas

having obsidian as this big repository of my thoughts on previous books i’ve read, previous movies I’ve seen, concepts and defintions from essays, etc makes really easy for me to start writing a new note with my thoughts about something and just go “okay, I’ll put this concept in [[ square brackets ]] so it can link to my note with all my info on that subject rather than rooting thru one million notebooks or folders of misc notes and projects to find what I’d already written abt that subject”

Step Four: Break the material into smaller units of information

i breakdown/separate out my note on a single book/essay into several smaller interlinked notes abt the concepts covered. that way the information lives (with correct bibliographical citation) in a note titled with the concept, and then that note can get added to incrementally with each new book read. this allows my notes to be organised concept-first rather than book-first.

this — ESPECIALLY the part where i connect the notes to other notes — is a rly important part of the process bc it is the “leaving myself a trail of breadcrumbs” to be able to remind myself of concepts/ideas/texts i may have already encountered that feature similar ideas. if i am wondering if i’ve previously written anything on “regicide” i can click on the note called “regicide” and discover i’d written abt macbeth AND hamlet but not agamemnon and leave a note saying “come back to this and connect it to yr other ideas abt regicide as a form of [[patricide]] in [[agamemnon]]”.

Step Five: leave yrself “on ramps” to revisit notes as new concepts are added and connected

i can’t remember where i got this advice, but it was when you are writing more than can be achieved in a single sitting, leave yourself an “on ramp” before you finish for the day. like if i am coming back to something, maybe it’s not the next day but a whole week later. it is a lot more helpful if i open up a note i was working on and see “REMEMBER: YOU WANTED TO LOOK UP THE ETYMOLOGY OF THE WORDS FOR THREAD AND FATE TO SEE IF THERE IS A CONNECTION”

do not get caught up in “finishing” a note bc notes will be every-accumulating. work on something for as long as it serves you. if the amount of information is overwhelming, it probably needs to be broken down again into smaller concepts that can be hyperlinked together.

i think that covers most of it but i might come back to this later if there’s anything important i’ve forgotten. oh, yeah, also i love Umberto Eco’s How to Write a Thesis, but that’s less important if yr note writing a thesis, just trying to track info across many different texts for yr own purposes.

[presidenthades]

Once again, I am doing a series of my behind-the-scenes thoughts for The Golds while I do light edits for formatting, typos, and continuity. Here’s Chapter 1!

DO NOT read these commentaries until you have finishes reading the entirety of The Golds! These commentaries have many spoilers for future chapters.

First I’m gonna talk about why I decided to write this fic in the first place, because it wasn’t part of my original roadmap for the series. After I finished writing Daemon’s Handbook, my plan was to write an epic longfic with POVs from all the Targkids that encompassed a multi-year timespan a la the ASOIAF books…and then I realized if I did that, I had high odds of burning out halfway through 💀.

I’ve discovered that I do better at writing fic if I have an ending an mind when I start writing it, and the story needs to be something I can finish writing in several months so I don’t lose steam or get distracted/go on hiatus too long. That meant I needed to focus on a specific story with 1-2 protagonists/narrators that had its own complete story arc within the series’ larger arc.

When I finished writing the Handbook, I read a lot of books during my break. Several of those books were about fashion history, and one was the official GOT costumes book. I got really obsessed with fashion in the HOTD world, and I temporarily thought about writing a Rhaena POV fic because in my verse, she’s really into fashion and I wanted to put my newfound amateur knowledge to use 😅. But as I brainstormed what her story would look like, I realized it was super adjacent to Jace’s story because Rhaena is her lady-in-waiting, and eventually I shifted over to a Jace-centric story.

While I was brainstorming the Rhaena fic, I thought of a pregnancy subplot where Rhaena has to create Jace’s pregnancy wardrobe, and that pregnancy plot ultimately became the central story in The Golds. I was originally going to make Jace the sole narrator as she deals with the pregnancy, but I realized Aegon would have some really entertaining thoughts so I made it dual POV. This is when I started thinking about the Bridgerton approach, where each Targkid gets to be the star/costar of their own story in roughly chronological order.

The title “The Golds” is a reference to the canonical Greens and Blacks. There’s a theme throughout the story of Jace and Aegon accumulating popularity and soft power at court and among the smallfolk. This growing faction will unofficially be called the Golds because Jace and Aegon are strongly affiliated with that color, due to Sunfyre’s scales, Jace’s preference for gold, and all the symbolism that gold entails.

Most chapter titles are lyrics from the in-universe lullaby “The Song of the Seven.” Since the fic is about pregnancy, childbirth, and parenthood, I thought a reference to this lullaby was appropriate. My original outline had 7 chapters for the fic so I was going to title each chapter after the first line of each stanza in the lullaby. As I wrote the fic and realized it was going to be more chapters, I had to get creative. For Chapter 1, I picked the Maiden lyrics because the Maiden is associated with innocence and young women. Aside from this chapter including the wedding night (and thus Jace’s last night as a maiden), this is also the beginning of Jace’s character and emotional journey, during which she becomes less innocent/naive and, as you know, encounters a lot of darkness in the real world.

Ok now for the actual chapter commentary lol

I started showing during the Handbook that Jace is a responsible, dutiful “eldest sibling syndrome” kind of person, and I wanted to really highlight that in this fic. In the beginning of this story, Jace is the neurotic workaholic while Aegon is hedonistic and urges her to relax. Throughout the story, Jace does learn to relax and delegate better, but Aegon also starts picking up responsibilities along the way. By the end, my goal was for them to meet in the middle, where Jace learns that she has to take care of herself if she wants to take care of others, and Aegon learns that he needs to put in some work in order to secure the things he really wants in life.

There’s also a theme of private vs. public. Jace starts as having a very public life (she’s the heir to the throne, her life is on display at court) while being very private about things like her body and personal wants. In contrast, Aegon is very public about his body (the casual nudity is canon, don’t blame me) and personal wants (“I love my wife and everyone must know it”), but he wishes he could have a private life (be his own person and do what he wants, rather than be the prince and politician his family wants). Again, they kind of grow to meet in the middle by the end. Jace learns to be more selfish about her desires and fight for them (she also becomes more comfortable with her body around Aegon, although the self-consciousness never entirely goes away). Aegon learns to put aside his hangups about “I don’t want to be a player in the game” and steps into the arena so he can ultimately achieve what he wants, which is to protect Jace and their child.

We see the beginnings of Aegon’s powers of observation this chapter. He notices the Bracken/Blackwood exchange (these are the same lovers that Daemon spies in the tunnels in Chapter 9 of the Handbook) and deduces a likely explanation. This trait was inspired by a TGC quote about how Aegon is very observant and knows people’s weaknesses. I loved this idea that Aegon observes a lot of what’s happening around him, but canonically he’s too drunk and apathetic to do much about it. Here, Aegon is not an alcoholic and he’s a lot more grounded, so he actively registers a lot more details.

I mention in Chapter 2 that Daemon is part of the reason Aegon doesn’t drink so much, but that’s definitely not the whole story. Aegon seems very driven by the pursuit of dopamine, things that give him pleasure. In canon, he achieves this through whoring and alcoholism. Here, he has Jace, who has always fulfilled many of his emotional needs and now his physical needs. His life is a lot happier, so there’s no need for him to drink himself into a stupor. He did still have a youthful period of debauchery, but it’s not an outrageous amount of debauchery for a spoiled prince—although still in an upper percentile.

Aegon remains impressively chaste during the Stepstones because he realizes his youthful debauchery was a big reason Rhaenyra disapproved of him. And by the time he leaves for the Stepstones, he’s realized (thanks in part to their forced separation, thanks in part to Jace being the prettiest girl he can ever imagine existing) that no other woman is ever going to compare to Jace, so why bother? (He definitely had a locket or something with Jace’s mini portrait and lock of hair lol)

Aegon’s attitude toward dancing (he’s good at it but he hates the formality) is similar to his overall attitude toward court life and politics. He can do it if he wants, but he just doesn’t want to—unless it makes Jace happy.

Confession: the Tyroshi subplot wasn’t supposed to happen the way it did. I’ll explain more in future chapters, but for now, I’ll just say Floris and Sara weren’t always intended to die. But they did die in the final draft, and in hindsight I’m glad I included the Baratheon scene this chapter. Originally the scene was supposed to showcase Jace’s politicking and diplomacy, as well as lead up to her eventually picking Floris as a lady-in-waiting. Now it has extra meaning because it shows how sweet Floris was, how she fit in with her sisters, and how her mother doted on her 🥺.

I actually kind of like Maris, she’s funny in a mean girl way 😂. But she canonically has a tendency to run her mouth and say nasty things. Here, I think she feels jealous that Cassandra is getting so much attention from potential suitors, and that contributes to her rudeness. Jace could have publicly shamed Maris for being so rude to a Targaryen bride at her own wedding, but she decided to be sneakier about it and not cause a scene. Jace wants to maintain a good relationship with the Baratheons while making it clear what Maris said is unacceptable, so she extends the private tea invite to the other Baratheon women while deliberately omitting Maris from the offer. Now Lady Elenda feels honored by the invite and relieved to not have disfavor, and she’ll probably give Maris a terrible scolding in private.

The bedding tradition seems awful and potentially traumatic, especially for the bride (but that’s ASOIAF for you!). I can’t remember what’s canon or fanon, but I went with the interpretation that the bride and groom are supposed to be stripped naked or close to it. I feel like the royal family ought to be exempt from it (in a privileged “nobody else is allowed to behold our naked bodies” kind of way), but I know Alysanne made a point of having the bedding ceremony so nobody could question her marriage was consummated. The ceremony also seems horribly wasteful because all that expensive material and labor that went into the wedding clothes is just trashed, but I guess it’s a status flex. Only the super-rich can afford to deliberately destroy all those resources after one use.

I wish I wrote more scenes where Jace and Aemond hang out 😭. They have a lot of similarities: dutiful, studious, responsible for their siblings. I imagine their relationship being super chill. Then again, they’re very proper so they probably have hangups about spending alone time with someone of the opposite gender for extended periods of time 🙃. Anyway, their relationship is much less antagonistic than in canon. Fem!Jace thinks bullying is wrong and tones down Aegon’s mean streak, while Aemond has a chivalrous and gentlemanly attitude toward women (contrast with book!Aemond, who seems pretty misogynistic). Since a lot of the friction from canon is removed, they get along much better, and this Aemond is more comfortable with the idea of fem!Jace being queen one day because they start from a better place, and he’s her good-brother.

You can see my newfound fashion history geekery showing itself during the scene where Jace gets ready for bed. (Also, take note of how meticulous Jace is. It highlights her general cautiousness, and it serves as a contrast for Chapter 3). I try not to get too flowery with description, but I decided it was relevant to highlight key fashion choices like her wedding dress because it is an aspect of Jace’s influence at court, and she is concerned about appearances. I incorporated a lot of design aspects from GOT, which are much less medieval than the HOTD gowns. I had this idea that the older generation (Alicent and Rhaenyra) stick more to traditional cuts and designs, while Jace and the other girls are starting a new fashion trend akin to what we see in GOT, where styles are more flattering and multicultural.

Jace’s wedding dress is strongly influenced by Margaery’s Purple Wedding dress. The backless part makes it rather daring, and it’s part of Jace and Rhaena’s goal to depict Jace as a leader among the younger ladies at court since matrons are far less likely to wear something so revealing. Also, in GOT, Daenerys’s dresses tend to be much more revealing than anyone else’s, so I deduced that the fashion culture in Essos is overall more daring than in Westeros. Rhaena grew up in Pentos, so I decided she brings that influence into Jace’s wardrobe, which then spreads through court. Jace’s jewelry (heirlooms owned by Valaena Velaryon, mother of the Conqueror and his sisters) is also a statement to highlight that she was born a Velaryon but now she’s a true Targaryen in name.

Jace’s lingerie is definitely Rhaena’s (and Baela’s) influence. Otherwise she would have zero clue what’s fashionable in Lys. 😳

Jace deciding to work on her wedding night is very in character for her. And Aegon making her stop to enjoy herself is also very in character for him. Definitely a recurring pattern for these two.

Like any scene I write, I try to make sure the smut has a purpose in the story. I don’t usually write PWP but I think smut scenes are an excellent way to demonstrate dynamics and emotional connections between characters, so that’s how I typically use them. Here, we see Aegon is devoted to Jace: makes her feel comfortable, ample foreplay, even cracks a few jokes because their relationship is familiar enough for that sort of thing. He literally “lets her hair down” so she can shed her usual inhibitions.

True to character, Jace overthinks the process. She knows the theory of how it works (Rhaenyra would ensure her daughters are informed of the mechanics, and Jace has been living with Baela for three years). She also knows Aegon enjoyed his time on the Street of Silk and she desperately wants to meet his expectations. She doesn’t realize that she could do literally anything (or nothing) and Aegon would still think she’s perfect.

Since Aegon hasn’t had sex in three years, he’s trying very hard not to finish too early 😅. It’s OK though, Jace has no idea how long a guy is supposed to last and they have the whole night to make up for it 😂.

In the Handbook, I hint at Aegon’s artistic tendencies when he doodles in his letters. Here, I expand upon that so he’s sort of a Renaissance man: he sings, he plays lute, he dances, he draws, etc etc. All the skills he enjoys are skills not conducive for a politician/king. In this verse, Jace encourages him to sing and draw, so he pursues it further than he would’ve in canon.

I like to think of the morning-after smut scene as when Cheeseball is conceived 😂. It’s when Aegon dirty talks about making heirs for the throne, and Jace thinks about how much she would like to have children with Aegon. It just makes sense lol.

GRRM makes his female characters give birth way too young. Some people argue it’s historically accurate, but it’s really not. Other than Margaret Beaufort (who gave birth at 13 and never had any other children, probably due to complications), royal and noble women generally married in their late teens and early twenties. But this is the world and culture GRRM created, so I’m trying to work with it. I still headcanon that in normal peacetime, highborns try to wait until bride and groom are at least 16 to marry because they are aware that giving birth too young is dangerous. It’s during wartime or when politics require an earlier consummation that we see things like Sansa marrying at 13 💀. So I made Jace realize, after she’s had time to stew, that being forced to wait three years was best. (Especially since she IMMEDIATELY gets pregnant.)

I had to research whether people with a broken nose (or recovering from rhinoplasty surgery, which apparently has similar side effects—the more you know!) could have sex. Apparently one of the concerns is causing blood vessels around the nose to expand/contract/whatnot, and arousal impacts blood flow so that’s why Orwyle bans any nookie 😔. No wonder Aegon bribes Alyssa to wake Daemon early lol.

A side effect of broken noses is bruising around the face and black eyes, so Jace looks like she got hit very badly. The ensuing gossip about how she got injured ties into the recurring themes of a) Jace’s concern with appearances and b) that courtiers can and will gossip about anything, and the more salacious the better.

Jace is pretty peeved that Luce was so reckless re: the tunnel incident, and probably upset that it inadvertently led to her broken nose. But as soon as Luce needs help, Jace stops caring about her injuries 😭. Another recurring part of Jace’s personality: she’ll do almost anything to help her loved ones but she’s much harder on herself. (Note Luce’s little question, “What do I do now?” which is a question she always asked Jace when she was in trouble as a kid.)

Aegon is closer to Aemond than in canon, since a) they went to the Stepstones together and b) Aegon had far fewer options for male companionship in this genderbent world so he had to lean on Aemond a lot more. The brothers aren’t the kind to have heart-to-hearts, but Aegon knows Aemond well enough to know that Aemond is really into Luce and is probably going to try to marry her.

With Larys dead, there isn’t a very good option for master of whisperers. The council keeps trying to fill it but the candidates never last for long. I like to joke that they’re holding the seat open for when Joff is old enough, but finding a good spymaster seems pretty difficult. Daemon would probably be good at it but he’s already flamed out of several council positions, and he would hate working with Otto.

A little more fashion history! A surcote is that quintessential medieval gown for women, which I decided is very traditional in Westeros. This is Jace’s first day at her new job, so she wants to dress extra conservatively. Color is a big deal in this world of Black versus Green, so she deliberately picks very neutral and inoffensive colors. She also styles her hair and wears gold jewelry from Aegon to emphasize her new marriage, which shows she’s a mature woman and is forging harmonious bonds with her husband across the Black/Green divide.

In canon, Corlys resigns his position as master of ships around Episode 2. Tyland is canonically master of ships during this time, but I made an error in the Handbook and turned him into the master of coin. So I decided to just force Lyman Beesbury into retirement, and this can serve as an in-universe explanation for the change in roles: Viserys (or somebody else) wanted Corlys to have his position back, so they reshuffled the council a bit.

Aaaaand Jace officially has a “first day at work” horror history. Vomited, fainted, and cried in quick succession. And for someone who values privacy regarding her body, this was an awfully public way for her to find out about her pregnancy (and have it announced) 🥲.

Chapter 2 commentary here

[aliypop]

The Heat Of It All

Wordcount: 2,086 

Warning: Language, suggestive themes 

A/N: Thank you to @sharlatan-ka​ for your help and advice!, Also yes I enjoyed the scene of our Kaer Morons getting drunk together I incorporated it into chapter 5 so here it goes!

 The two other witchers still staring at Geralt and Adina had soon gotten an idea, a game of some sort that Lambert learned from an Oxenfurt man. But the one rule to the game was that you only took a shot when the question applied to you. "I don't think a princess such as yourself would want in on this.." Lambert smirked, nearly downing a stein of Ale. "I think I'll go first.." Adina smirked, her bottle of vodka already to her lips. Geralt only sighed as he walked over towards the table sitting next to Lambert.  

"I've never had a threesome with a doppler and a mage!" Adina smirked, taking her sip of vodka. Watching around her, she had noticed Eskel, who picked up his glass along with her. 

 "I stand corrected.." Lambert looked at Geralt, who only shrugged. He then cleared his throat as he tried to think of a question. " I've never slept with a succubus .." the table got quiet, and the whole table except for Lambert took a nice swig. " How bout that, expected Geralt might've but you!" he looked at Eskel in complete shock. Adina only took it as he must've been the innocent one out of the batch.

" I'm a sucker for women with horns," Eskel admitted, watching both Adina and Geralt laugh.  

"What's your excuse, Adina." 

"War and women go hand in hand." she then looked at Geralt, who shook his head at the knight airing out her dirty laundry that he didn't even know. 

"Alright.. my turn... " Eskel smirked, "I never after a bender, woken up wearing nothing but my knickers." 

Both Lambert and Geralt took a drink. Adina only merely cackling like a hyena.

 "And all those times I thought you just slept naked.." she laughed. Geralt only rolled his eyes as the pain that Adina caused was slowly melting away from every sip.

"What would papa Vesemir say," Eskel questioned his speech a bit slurred, 

"Think papa Vesemir, would'a drank that round too..." Geralt smirked back at Eskel, a bit of tension between the two wolf witchers. "Quit yer blabbering an go!"Adina interjected, watching the two stare at each other. 

"I've never jumped out of a lover's window." Geralt laughed, watching as he looked at Lambert drink and then back at Adina. Adina had seemed to have been having a grand time, but he still saw something that said differently. "My turn ..." Adina laughed, watching the candle flicker amongst Geralt's face. She didn't know if it was the vodka, Ale mix in her cup, or her small amount of consciousness, but she had never been so attracted to Geralt as she was now. "Let's end on that, or else I'll never be able to look you all in the eyes again.." he turned to see honey orange eyes looking nearly drunk in his direction.  

"There's nothing you've done that I haven't done worse.." Adina had then slurred, "Lambert, another ounce of ale!" she cheered, halfway sitting up. The keep had reminded her almost, like her childhood tower. Except for a bit warmer of an atmosphere with the wolve's. A few tables were surrounding them, and a few beds possibly enough to hold the three witchers for when they returned. " I want to hear more," Eskel said, grinning a bit at the two: waiting on Lambert felt as if it took forever, which caused Eskel to meddle a bit in Geralt's life, being that he brought a knight home. Or more so, she followed him like a lost cat. "So why a knight... If you don't mind me asking?" Adina perked up at the question while Geralt only groaned, mostly due to the fact he hadn't thought to ask her.

 "You really wanna know.." she asked, propping herself up. "I wanted an escape from the life I was living.." she sighed. Adina knew that what she had to say would sound stupid and a bit daft, but it was about time she'd let her final self shine through. "What life was that.." Geralt asked, getting a bit invested in what she had to say. Adina only nudged him as she laughed, 

"Being a princess.." 

"A princess?" Eskel looked at Geralt.

"Yes.. now can I finish talking.." she asked, drinking out of Geralt's glass. Both witchers only nodded as they stopped talking. "I wasn't just a princess: I was a child of surprise.. and.." Adina started remembering how many times she had gotten hit on or forced to stay in the towers that still reeked of dead things when she thought about them. She could feel the stinging mark on her back still left by Clarion just as she could still smell the flesh from within her nostrils. 

"The king my birth father loved reminding me just how much a royal fuck up I was.. " she began laughing to hide her pain. "I ran away when I was 13 .. got slapped around training to be a knight.. left again never looked back, and I found this big oaf." she poked Geralt, watching as he cracked a smile. Too drunk to try to be mean towards Adina, he only pulled her close, feeling sorry for her. Hearing her talk about her left only made him question at times how she could still be so kind. 

 "I see you cozied up with Wolf over there," Lambert smirked, wiggling his eyebrows. "Well.. what can I say: he's warm," she smirked, scratching behind his ear. The get together was then stopped as they heard the footsteps of Vesemir. Almost like thunder, the keep was silent with a collective.

"Oh, shit.." 

"To bed all of you!" Vesemir said as if his wolves had awoken him. The three wolves slept in their beds in the keep, All except for Geralt. Who fell out of his bed and asleep on the floor. Adina, who had been in what she assumed was a guest room tower, snuggled up into the fur with nothing much but the moonlight to radiate it. "It's just you and me .." she sighed. Tossing and turning throughout the night as she had done when she was sleeping during her nights in battle. Adina knew what had gotten into her: but didn't want to admit it. It was the warmth of having Geralt beside her.  

"Psst... Geralt, are you sleep.." Eskel tapped him with his foot.

"No, I'm slowly trying to die in peace.." he sassed, looking up seeing the other Witcher, the soft lighting highlighting his scratches. The truth of the matter was Geralt had not been asleep. He was closing his eyes hoping that instead, he would drift away. "Why.. what's going on.." Geralt asked. Eskel and Geralt had always been close like brothers though some would argue even like lovers. They knew each other well enough to read each other. " I could ask you the same thing.." he smirked, crouching down to the white wolf's level. 

"It's her, isn't it..."

"Her who.." 

"The princess.. you grew attached, and now you can't sleep without her, eh," he smirked, watching Geralt's expression changed from his usual scowl to a softer look. It was true that Geralt, who usually had no problem sleeping alone, was having problems sleeping alone.

 "I spent months without her.." 

"And how was that going for ya.. "

"Hmm.." 

"Exactly.." 

Suddenly Geralt's ears had perked up, picking up on the sound of Adina panting. Knowing that something wasn't right, he took to the spiraled stairs and towards the tower Adina was staying in: Sitting there with sweaty, matted hair was Adina, her eyes bloodshot orange. Since the wars and her small missions, she had been accumulating night terrors, except they were never about what she experienced, 

But instead of her father, "He's going find me.. and kill... her..." Adina had said, her eyes fixed on Geralt, who was trying to decipher what she was clambering on about, 

"What the hell are you talking about.." 

"I'm talking about my father!" she turned her back to him. Geralt only sighed as he got under the fur and pulled her close. He wasn't always good at comforting, but he knew that silence had always been golden for the two. 

"Your father's a dick... " Geralt began to think of what to say. "With balls!" 

Adina had only laughed, knowing that was the only thing he could think to say. "He's a .. a .. limp dick noodle!" she then began to join in, laughing at the fact that her taunting wasn't much better. "But you.. you are perfect.." she turned to kiss his nose. Geralt had only turned brighter than his already drunken cheeks. 

"You.. you don't mean that.."  

"Drunk men tell ye no tale.." she glanced at him. 

"Well.. this drunk man's going to sleep before he says somethin.. he regre-"

"Like what.." Adina turned to face him. Her eye's wanting him to say more than what he led off. "Go to bed.." he wrapped his arm across her waist, something that he hadn't done in a while. 

"Watch your foot placement, Geralt.." Vesemir grumbled. Training wasn't an uncommon practice during the winter months at Kaer Morhen. It was just unusual to have an outsider training along with them. "Adina, straighten your back." he watched the two spar. To say that Adina was good was an unsatisfying and underestimated statement: Her swordsmanship seemed beyond human almost, even for the usual knight. He just hoped her hand to hand combat was the same. 

 "Lambert, stop that at once!" Vesemir rushed over to the two. Being surrounded by shirtless men didn't phase Adina, but being surrounded by a shirtless, sweaty Geralt was a bit more challenging. Grabbing his fist, she only gave him a look that meant she was ready for whatever he chose to throw first. Dodging his first punch, she took her hand to hit in his side, feeling a bit victorious. Jabbing at him with her fist getting him a bit bloody, Geralt took his sword. Lunging towards her, he knew that she would have a disadvantage. "You think you're sneaky White wolf.." she mumbled. Taking back her sword, she got into a combat stance, ready to plunge into him. 

"I bet you a few coins... Wolf's gonna win.." Eskel smirked.

"My bets on the knight kicks Geralt's ass." Lambert winked. The two kept watching the fight, both opponents a bit bloody. Geralt's lips curled into that of a cocky smile, sharp canine teeth, and a few hairs coming out from his ponytail. 

"Having a hard time focusing.." 

"You wish.." she pushed him away. Suddenly she felt his strong hands wrapped around her neck, not too tight to kill her. But strong enough to send his message across. Adina only bit her lip, watching as he came closer. 

"My.. my Geralt, at least take me out for a drink first! "

Adina had now been hovering over Geralt, who she had the joy of pinning him down to the ground. Sweet victory, she would have called it. 

"I believe I won, Mr. wolf..." she took the tip of her sword under his chin. Straddling him the way that she was, she could tell it wouldn't be her last time. 

"Whatever.." Geralt rolled his eyes, seeing Eskel pay up on what he knew was a bet with Lambert.

 "Oh, and one more thing." 

"What now.." he looked over at her. 

"Next time, add more pressure and take me from behind won'tcha," she smirked, removing herself off Geralt. He could smell the scent of need radiating off of her. Nothing that a wolf couldn't fix. 

 Later that night, the four gathered around the table to some drinking and another round of I've never. 

"I've never fucked a demon!" Lambert said both Eskel and Geralt had their steins still on the table. Adina knocked her stein back, taking a sip. 

"Why.. not that I'm judging, but why.." 

"He was hot. I was 16 and curious." Adina then turned to Eskel, "Your turn!" she giggled, this time holding her mead, wine, and vodka a bit better. 

"Never ave I.. ever slept with Geralt!" Eskel took a sip of his drink as Lambert was shocked that Adina didn't. "Wait... Wait.. you've never." 

"I have never slept with the acclaimed almighty sex witcher Geralt." Adina gave him a smirk.  

"But a succubus, a mage, doppler, a few women in a brothel, and a prince, but not Geralt!" 

"He never asked.." 

"Neither did you.." 

[vgperson]

What Did I Do In 2019?

[hanmajoerin]

*adds this WIP to an already burning pile of other WIPs*

I’ve always wanted to try my hand at the amnesia trope and when the right inspiration came along I just had to run with it! 

The story is posted on AO3 and Fanfic.net, but you can also read it under the cut! 

Summary: After being separated from InuYasha for a year, Kagome wakes up to find herself back in the Feudal Era. Without her memory, she introduces a new side of herself to InuYasha, who claims that they were separated for three years and reunited for seven months.

Chapter 1: A Second Reunion

Kagome found her gaze fixated on her high school uniform which sat neatly in the back of a blue locker. Soft shadows hugged the navy and beige fabric as a soft sound—almost like white noise or static—seemed to embrace her thoughts. Taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, Kagome reached out and grabbed her clothes. Exhaling slowly, she turned away from the locker so that when she opened her eyes nothing would have changed.

It was hard to believe that a year had passed since the Bone Eater's Well stopped working. Like a catalyst, the broken connection between her time and InuYasha's changed so much about Kagome without having to change itself. Her attendance rate soared, her old lifestyle came slamming into her weekdays, her acquired fear of the darkness felt like a slow burn even though it wasn't, and now she had invented ways to carry the consequences. Even though her friends in the Feudal Era were alive and well, they weren't here. Kagome supposed she was grieving but she felt as if she should be... happier. Miroku's wind tunnel must have vanished so he and Sango were probably married with a child on the way. Shippo was probably having a lot of fun staying in the village and playing with kids his own age while InuYasha... everyone always said that he was restless in the village, but Kagome liked to think he was somewhat happy. Not that happy and InuYasha often mixed, but Naraku and the Sacred Jewel were defeated, he should at least be able to relax.

The young high schooler sighed, imagining InuYasha asleep on her bed. He appeared almost angelic then, but afterwards, he and Shippo could easily tie for the title of "Most Mischievous." Kagome hoped that InuYasha wasn't driving anyone insane with that demonic energy.

"Higurashi!" Yua Watanabe, the archery club's captain, called out with a slight wave.

Kagome dropped her hands from the ties of her hakama, offering her senior a soft, "Hi, Watanabe."

As her senior approached, Kagome attempted swallowing the idea of InuYasha with a quiet gulp. "Thanks for all of your hard work this year. I'm really glad you joined the club!" Yua exclaimed with a carefree ease that Kagome envied.

"Thank you, being able to do archery is important to me," Kagome replied, warmth spreading across her cheeks at the praise. Yua nodded a few times in agreement, not at all able to comprehend the meaning behind Kagome's remark. She continued talking, also unaware of how Kagome's thoughts returned to a time that she hadn't asked to leave behind. "Oh, and we're really looking forward to having you start training to compete next year. I know you'll do well!"

Kagome flashed Yua another modest smile but before she could even thank her for a second time, she yawned. "Excuse me," Kagome apologized, but another large yawn stretched at her consciousness. "I'm just going to go to bed now..."

The world returned to Kagome slowly. She blinked her eyes against an overwhelming amount of deep browns and warm oranges. The ceiling above almost looked like the wood roofing of a hut and the unmistakable popping fire and chirping crickets sounded like a lullaby. It's almost like I'm back in the Feudal Era, she thought to herself as she yawned. Just as she was about to turn and settle back into sleep, she heard him.

"You're awake."

InuYasha's voice sent Kagome lurching forward, all thoughts of sleep vanishing instantly. "InuYasha!" she exclaimed, her heart rate sprinting just as quickly as the dizziness in her head. The high schooler clutched at her chest with uncertainty, brown eyes daring to take in the telltale silver hair and amber eyes of the man she spent so many days longing to see just like this.

"Hey," InuYasha began, resting his hands on her shoulders. When—how did I come back? Kagome asked herself as she reached up to grasp one of the half-demon's hands. She never realized that his calloused skin could feel like a balm, working without delay to relieve the past year of her life. InuYasha was seated properly before her, his face highlighted by firelight and grounded by a somber expression."You shouldn't be pushing yourself right now. Kaede said you should rest."

Kagome's brown eyes had to be shining as he—InuYasha!— gently lowered her back down to the floor. She could feel moisture building at the corner of her eyes, too. Of course, there were so many questions she needed to ask, but watching as InuYasha gingerly pulled a thin blanket up past her shoulders, Kagome was just happy he was here. He felt so real; his touch, the timbre of his voice—everything about this InuYasha felt so real. If Kagome was dreaming, she didn't want to wake up. "I can't believe you came for me," she croaked out because she always knew that he would.

"Of course I did, stupid," InuYasha chided, crossing his arms. A small giggle filtered past Kagome's lips as he turned up his nose. When the schoolgirl fantasized about her reunion with InuYasha, he never acted this casual. They had spent a little more than a year apart from each other for the first time since they met and it was entirely too long. Had she not been so wrapped up in her own emotions, she may have chastised him back. "Would have been easier for me to do that if you waited for me like I told you to instead of charging out of the brush like that. You could've gotten seriously hurt, Kagome."

Kagome furrowed her brow slightly at InuYasha's comment. "What?" She asked, wiping away a tear with her index finger.

InuYasha thrust his nose even further in the air. "Keh, don't play innocent; damn ogre's club wasn't that hard, you didn't need to rush out."

Kagome frowned as his words sunk in. "I..." She brought a hand to her temple, rubbing it lightly as she tried to process what the half-demon told her.

All traces of agitation scurried from InuYasha's features at her motion. "Kagome, is your head bothering you? Kaede gave me some medicine to help with that, let me get it for you."

Before he could walk away, Kagome's hand grabbed at his pants, instantly stilling him. "Kagome...?"

"Where is Kaede?"

"'Dunno," InuYasha shrugged. "She probably went home or somethin'," he finished, lightly shaking her hand away and placing the kettle over the fire.

So InuYasha has his own hut and he wanted me to stay, Kagome thought to herself. A molten smile spread across her cheeks that matched the blush she was sure also appeared there.

Kagome rolled to her side to watch InuYasha as he babysat his kettle. Everything from the painted scowl to the delicate way he mixed tea was deliberate and when he was beside her once more, she pulled herself into a sitting position. As he passed her the cup, his hands lingered against hers. It was glaringly clear that InuYasha wanted to pick up where they had left off a few weeks before they defeated Naraku. Still, Kagome couldn't help but laugh slightly, not used to an InuYasha who was anything but abrasive. "You've sure grown up some," she said, tilting her head to the side.

"Uh..." InuYasha replied, breaking their contact to shove his hands into the voluminous red sleeves of the fire rat. "You uh, really hit your head there, didn't ya?" Kagome frowned again—hit her head? Didn't listen to him? She was missing something but before she could even ask, InuYasha grasped her free hand and gave it a tight squeeze. "Listen, when I told you to stay hidden, it was only because I knew I could handle that dumbass ogre on my own. I should have been paying more attention to you, though. You're still learning and I—I should have protected you. I'm sorry."

Kagome shook her head as InuYasha bowed his own. He wanted forgiveness when absolutely nothing he admitted happened to them. Kagome wriggled her hand from InuYasha's and winced, rubbing her forehead again. "Are you real?" She nearly whispered, tears forming once more. Kagome was used to the dreams—it would be so easy for him to deny it or stumble over his words or maybe just admit that all of this was just another fantasy her mind played out. But when she saw how the anxiety accumulated across every aspect of her half-demon's body, Kagome had a feeling she really was awake. "It's just that I—" she cut herself off. She needed to stand and maybe get fresh air or something. The world spun beneath her feet, but InuYasha was there, catching her and he was really there—they were really together. "Oh InuYasha," she stated, tears finally finding their freedom.

InuYasha froze the moment she buried her head against his chest, but it didn't take him very long to wrap his arms around her. "I'm supposed to be the one who's upset," he reminded her, hands softly stroking her hair. "You're really starting to worry me, Kagome," he admitted then and Kagome shook her head, lifting her dewy eyes up at him with a relief she thought would never be materialized.

InuYasha was different than she remembered and yet exactly the same. Just being around him set her at ease and she could feel some of her nightmares fade away. Kagome was safe now, but even as she sniffled a bit, InuYasha continued running his hand up and down her back, he radiated a peace she hadn't expected after being apart for so long. "How can you be so calm?" She asked him.

InuYasha's brow twitched slightly and he raised a fist, it was almost as if Kagome unintentionally spiked his ire. All she could do was tilt her head to the side. "Because Kaede said that being upset wouldn't help you relax. She didn't tell me it would make you worry more," he ground out. If InuYasha could trade a gentle reaction for an angry one within seconds, Kagome knew absolutely that she was in the Feudal Era again.

"It's been such a hard year without you, InuYasha, why on Earth wouldn't I want you to feel something? Did you even miss me?"

"The hell are you talking about, Kagome?"

Kagome frowned. Well, it was good to know that InuYasha could still unintentionally spark her ire, too. "My life has been absolutely miserable without you!" She blurted out, pressing an accusatory finger against his chest. "Do you have any idea how difficult things have been for me? And now you're just standing here like... like you haven't even thought about me on—" Kagome groaned, her head protesting at the plethora of emotions running through her mind.

InuYasha reached out, cupping her cheeks in his hands. "Kagome, take it easy," he advised, and she could hear the note of concern in his voice despite how stern it was. She glared up at him. He offered her a crooked smile that quickly faded. "Wait, did you say it's been a year since the well stopped working?"

"I mean, I think so," she said, suddenly feeling sheepish. Maybe her memories were a little off.

InuYasha placed a finger under her chin, tilting her up to look into her eyes. She found that his were suddenly swirling with conflicting emotions. "You were gone for three years."

Kagome gasped, taking a step back. "Three..."

"What's the last thing you remember?" InuYasha asked, picking Kagome up then laying her back down onto the ground.

Although he was trying his best to remain calm, she could tell he was upset.

Kagome swallowed the lump in her throat, reaching out her hand to lay against his thigh. "I just finished my first year of high school," she confessed.

"What happened to me?" InuYasha placed his hand over hers.

"We were fighting an ogre on the outskirts of the village 'n it threw you against the ground."

[meimi-haneoka]

LOL....Chapter 42.

I mean, I might have become quite boring by now because ALL the chapters I use these shocked gifs, but.....I can’t help it, every time the chapters bring some shocking factor!! XD

Let me just start this reaction post with one happy announcement:

Remember my battles against illegal early spoilers on the internet? How it hurt the fandom (because people who wanted to wait for the official release were forced to avoid social media or block stuff) and the franchise as well?

Well, I’m glad to announce that chapter 42 has been the first chapter ever to not have any early spoilers leaked before the official releases, ever since Clear Card started in July 2016. It took almost 4 years and a revolution by the hands of CLAMP to obtain this result (with the early release of chapters FOR FREE on the official website in 6 languages).

Beware, I’m not celebrating just yet because next month we may get spoilers circulating again, but this chapter was really nice to be discovered all together, legally, without hurting anyone? It was a nice feeling and since it seems we might be approaching the finale, I think it’s important that we enjoy these chapters all together in a proper way.

Well, after this introduction, let’s delve into Chapter 42 of Clear Card!!

Kaito is a walking dead man

I loved the color splash page. It always makes me happy to see Akiho and Sakura together, but this time the theme is a lot more serious. This is getting intense and the color page reflects that. This is also the first black background in a while, I always loved illustrations with black background even in the old manga.

Sooo last chapter we were left with Sakura overthrowing Kaito’s time magic and still conscious and moving. And shocked to see Syaoran and Kaito fighting. Of course Kaito needs to put a patch on this, because he knows Sakura is that powerful, but he doesn’t want her to know any of this, so he starts to “attack” her with time magic, I believe? And prince charming cleverly thinks that he might better call forth the strongest Sakura Cards in the deck, just to be sure to protect Sakura adequately. Even Kaito recognizes that was a wise move. Sakura is more confused than ever, behind the spirit shield formed by Light & Dark.

Syaoran is so fucking fed up with this that he demands to know why Kaito is here in Tomoeda. He candidly admits that he wants Sakura to produce the new Cards. Syaoran is like “No shit, Sakura’s already been producing a shitton of cards” “But she hasn’t produced the one I want”. When Syaoran asks which card that would be, Mr. I-am-an-asshole-and-I-know-it replies “If I told you that, I fear you’d get terribly angry”

Guys, the glare Syaoran gives Kaito after this one is like.......death sentence. The amount of rage accumulated in this short kid is frightening. Syaoran might be cool and composed, but y’all remember his temper at the beginning of the old manga, right? That wasn’t “just because”, it’s still part of his personality XDD he was taming his rough sides of his personality for Sakura, but for Sakura he’s well ready to pull them out at any convenience.

Meanwhile, we aren’t sure if Sakura is listening to the heated conversation or not, but I think she isn’t because she keeps shouting “what’s going on?? What happened??” even after Kaito straight up said he’s after her Cards. Seeing her struggling and reaching from behind Light & Dark, who are restraining her, is kinda.....giving me TRC war flashbacks. Yes. You might have seen the tweet that is making me earn lots of “WHY CINZIA”, but I’m like this, I’m an ugly bitch who needs to suffer in company. I’ll make a separate TRC/CCS comparison post after ages, for this. XD

The highlight of the chapter

Kaito reveals that he knows that Syaoran came back to Japan after his mother had a divination of the future that he absolutely needs to stop. And, at that moment, ladies and gentlemen....

IT’S HER. THE STAR OF THE CHAPTER. THE ONE THE FANDOM DREAMED OF SEEING IN THE MANGA.

LI YELAN-SAMA.

This is a huge thing because a character that was exclusively in the anime canon-verse (even though that line has been more and more flimsy lately) appeared in the manga too. Syaoran’s mother, and the Li family in general, were often mentioned both in the old and new manga series, but CLAMP somehow were always careful to never show any graphical portray of it. Now, finally, after so long, we have Yelan appearing in the manga too, and she’s exactly like her anime counterpart. Regal, elegant, beautiful. I was literally trembling with excitement when I saw her!! It was.....gosh it was huge.

But one has to wonder: how the hell does Kaito knows about all this stuff? How much did he investigate on the Li family? It’s kinda easy to imagine when he could do that: for a period, Akiho and Kaito lived in Hong Kong. Right before coming to Japan.

We get, thanks to Kaito, the confirmation that nor he, nor Syaoran, were born with the gift of seeing the future. Kaito can, if he follows all the steps, see some glimpses till a certain degree, but nothing comparable to someone specialized in divination art, let alone a yumemi. Here it is, the cursed term so dear to CLAMP, indicating the ones who can see the future in dreams. Kaito says that Sakura can indeed see the future playing out in her dreams, but it’s a future far from being set in stone. She’s basically a beginner yumemi, with confusing and fragmented visions, I’d say. But when she will grow up, she will be a fully fledged yumemi. Kaito says that it’s for the strong people to decide how the future will go. And here we find again the thematic so dear to CLAMP, the future and the choices made to let it go in a direction, or another one. Kaito starts to call forth the Tina Rie Triax spell. Syaoran is like “the hell I’m letting you get away like this” and is preparing to counter-attack with Raitei Shorai, when The Queen™ decides she had enough and screams “NOOO!”, calling her staff on the spot and activating her power towards Syaoran, switching places with him! She literally forced him out of the picture and took his place!! 

The Queen takes agency

LOOK AT THAT FACE! LOOK AT IT WELL. It’s the same determination she had in this scene:

I knew we would see the results of that determination. When she saw the boy she loves risking his life with someone who was attacking him, she took agency and went to the front row.

You can’t keep Sakura in the sidelines like that.

Kaito is quite suprised by the move. Maybe because he doesn’t understand love or because he didn’t think she would take agency. Either way, Sakura is pointing her staff at him, the same way Syaoran was pointing his sword at him moments ago. You don’t mess with this child, Kaito.

And he must certainly know, because he mutters “That’s too bad” and rewinds time, basically chickening out of the picture. XD

Sakura is back with Tomoyo, Akiho, Sonomi and her father, but she knows something is wrong, and she walks away from them for a while to give birth to a new card!! TRANSFER is the name, and it’s the power she used to switch places with Syaoran. The fact is, she doesn’t remember nor she understands why the hell this card is here. 

While at home Kaito thinks to himself (smile always present but blatantly a mere mask) that he needs to hurry up or he’ll be in a fucking big mess because Sakura resisted his time-stopping magic and the Clear Card survived the time rewinding, Sakura at her own home is a nervous wreck. She calls Syaoran because she has the feeling she saw Light & Dark, they don’t remember, but Syaoran confirms that he feels something is off and has the feeling someone made them forget something. Sakura closes the call promising that she would inform him of anything that would come to her mind, but as she inadvertently knocks her Clear Cards off, they all fall facing backwards, save for one: BREAK.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how Chapter 42 ends. Leaving us wondering why Sakura is making this dismayed face. She’s either taking it as a bad omen, or she’s remembering what she saw when she captured BREAK, and what caused the birth of the card in the first place. Not only a soulless Akiho talking nonsense in a pretty dress, but also her boyfriend under the robe of the Mysterious Cloaked Figure. Seemingly about to hurt an unconscious Akiho. That is still an open wound in Sakura’s heart, and it’s pretty clear here.

Guys, what can I tell you, this chapter has been a mixture of wonderful surprises, painful TRC recalls, frustrating time rewindings that show us how Sakura and Syaoran are slowly realizing and fighting Kaito’s fuckery with time....I know a good chunk of the fandom doesn’t like this give-and-take-away, it always seems like the final battle is here, but we are tricked everytime. And yet, I do believe that once the story will be over, and after some time we’ll go back to read Clear Card, the time rewindings will show clearly how gradually Sakura was able to overcome and overthrow Kaito’s magic: first it was a finger, then it was an unexplicable sadness, now a new card and the impression to have seen things, and a general uneasiness because something feels off. The kids were even capable of realizing that they were made to forget something. I bet this graduality will feel more interesting and exciting when we’re not forced to wait 1 month between chapters.

Let me know what you think, too!

[randomoranges]

Birthday Gifts [Je t’aime sans retenue]

 There’s a soft knock at the guestroom door and both dog and master turn their heads in time to see the door open. Edward steps in, closes the door behind him and then waits for a sign that he’s welcomed in. Étienne nods and places the book he’d been reading down (something borrowed off Edward’s shelf – nothing of consequence, but easy enough to distract him during the quiet moments of the night, when the rest of the household has gone to bed and he’s left with nervous energy coursing through his veins. He’d paint, but he hasn’t his materials. He’d draw, but he lacks his usual motivation.)

 “There he is, Mr. Birthday Boy himself,” Edward says as he walks towards the bed. Mercury looks at him, wondering if she needs to move and finally Étienne pats the spot by his chest and she trots over, happy to be closer to her master. She curls up by his side, while Edward sits at the foot of the bed.

 “My birthday is over, Ed,” Étienne says, quiet, but Edward rolls his eyes and assures him that here, in Edmonton, it is still May 17th and thus, it’s still his birthday. Étienne doesn’t add to that and let’s him cajole him for a moment.

 “So, boyfriend, huh?” Edward asks and Étienne freezes for a moment, tensing, recalling the comment he had let slide earlier while on call with his sister. He hadn’t thought Edward had heard – figured if he had then he didn’t mind, but now he wonders if he had crossed some line too fast too soon and he has an apology ready at his lips, not sure what for, but wanting to stop this situation from getting worse, but Edward reaches for his hand and gives it a gentle squeeze, “It’s fine, Bouclé – more than fine, really, I’m just surprised you said it,” He offers instead, warm, easy smile gracing his lips and the ricocheting mess that is Étienne’s heart quiets down for a moment, lulled by Edward’s reassurance.

 “I was surprised too,” He admits. He hadn’t given it much thought – the words had spilled forth on an impulse, but – it had felt right, as if they had been stewing in the back of his mind for days and weeks and months and years. So many years. He had been afraid – so afraid to take that step and now that they are on a different chapter of their relationship, he had taken a leap forward, impulsive, as always, and he can only hope he won’t regret it later.

  Edward shifts and gets closer, sits next to him by the empty side of the bed – a spot big enough for another person, truth be told – and wraps an arm around Étienne’s shoulders to pull him in close; Mercury jumps off when she realises that her space on her master’s chest is being usurped and goes off to find a better place to rest, still close to Étienne. Étienne goes willingly, furrows his face in Edward’s chest and feels some of his previous anxiety ebb away.

 “Off to bed then?” He asks, a moment later, trying to regain whatever composure he’s never really had. He figures it’s the only reason as to why Edward’s here – to wish him a pleasant night and then retire to his own room with Calvin, down the hall and to the left and such. (Or whatever the new configuration is. He doesn’t stop to ponder.) All he knows is that he’s in the guestroom and he gets it – but, it still feels weird. Being here and not being with Edward. So far, Edward has spent more nights in his own room than here with him. It’s fine, really. This is all still new and tentative and a careful brush stroke on a new canvas, but – he still feels like a stranger and not like himself, in so many different ways.

 “Thought maybe you’d like some company tonight, if you want – and it’s your birthday and all...” It’s a good thing there is still one part of his brain that reminds him that Edward is also figuring this out – that they’re all figuring out the steps to this weird dance they’ve started. He knows it would help if his mind didn’t feel like it had been plunged into some box and tossed into the back of a closet to be forgotten and accumulate dust, but he manages a nod and relaxes when Edward starts playing with his hair. That, at least, feels familiar and is at the very least comforting, even if he still wishes he could muster enough energy not to feel like a legume at all times.

 For a moment, he wishes he could go back to February – to how he felt before. (And isn’t that something, that he wishes he could go back to the dead of winter), but at least then life made a little bit more sense and he felt more sure footed with plans and things he could do. Now he feels trapped, isolated and disconnected from nearly everything he loves (and even then.)

 It’s strange to think that even though he’s here with people – even though he gets daily hugs and kisses – has slightly more freedom than he would back home, he still feels like a stranger in a strange place. Doesn’t know the people, the crowd, or the vibe. Doesn’t know what his place is in this household and feels worse for wear when he knows he’s got it easy, when so many others have it so much worse. He tries to keep the morale, talks it over with his friends, his therapist, with Edward, hell, even with Calvin, but – there’s still something missing – some detail he’s looked over and that has escaped.

 “If it’s not too much trouble...” He’d hate to think that Edward sees him as an obligation. That he’s doing this because it’s his birthday and otherwise wouldn’t have bothered – would have gone back to his own bedroom with Calvin and would have left him here alone. He’s about to change his mind, tell Edward he’s tired and was going to call it a night, but Edward is a step ahead of him on this, tips his chin up ever so gently so that he could look at him – and Étienne would like to look away, escape the hazel gaze he knows too well, but he finds that he can’t.

 “It’s never too much trouble.” He says with all the conviction of the world and so Étienne tricks his mind into believing the words. Let’s himself grow boneless into Edward’s arms, Mercury safely close by.

 “Thanks for today, by the way,” Étienne adds. It’s been a – different birthday, so to say. He can’t say it’s been terrible, so he doesn’t. It’s the first one he’s really spent with Edward in a long time and he tries to recall if Edward was ever there for his birthday when it was this quiet. When they got to spend the day together without running from one place to the next. His mind tells him no, but he’s certain there must have been at least one time... “You didn’t have to do all that.” All that was the birthday cake and the presents. The rotisserie style chicken made from scratch with St-Hubert seasoning and sauce Edward had Élyse send over. It’s too much. No one is this kind or generous. No one simply opens their doors for a “friend” to stay for as long as needed. No one flies out a friend out of worry.

 Étienne is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. For Edward to tell him that it’s been nice, but he’d like his privacy now. Étienne is still convinced that he’s in the way – that he’s interrupting some special alone time Calvin and Edward had been planning when this whole lockdown business came about – that they figured they could do all the indoor couple things they never had a chance to. That he’s only in their way. That they’re being nice to him out of some sense of obligation or moral code that will eventually break. (He ignores the fact that he would have done the same – would have gone out of his way to help someone as important to him as Edward. But that’s different. He knows himself. He thinks he knows Edward, but. There’s still no way Calvin is this okay with everything. He wouldn’t be. (He isn’t really, but he’s trying so damn hard. Maybe Calvin is too.))

 “It’s your birthday; even though the world is a clusterfuck, we can still try and highlight some of the good in it – and you’re definitely part of the good.” There’s another soft kiss placed to his cheek and Étienne tries his best not to break apart all over again. There’s been too much of that lately and he’s frankly tired of it. Whatever defensive strategies he once had are now gone and Edward seems to be good at finding every last brick to the emotional walls he’s used for years.

 Étienne kisses him instead, mostly because he wants to, partially because it will get Edward to quit saying such things that may just make his heart stop its skittering mess of beats and Edward goes pliant in his arms, parting his lips for him and meets him halfway. It’s a little greedier than this morning and Étienne manages to pin Edward to the bed and straddles his waist. This, at least, is more up to his speed and this, at least, is something he knows how to do even if his mind has gone off and wandered elsewhere, never to be seen again. He’s good at this. He can do this with his eyes closed. He can do this without even being aware of it (has done it, far too many times, without even being coherently aware – even with Edward.)

He feels like he’s been wasting time and opportunities, now that he has Edward at such close proximity. The hugs and kisses are nice, sure, and it is pretty much all he wants at the moment, but he feels as though he should want more. As though he needs to make best of this strange opportunity. Make up for lost time and store some for later, when they won’t be under the same roof. He doesn’t feel like it, honestly, doesn’t feel like much, but he fears that Edward will cast him aside if he doesn’t deliver on what he’s known for, so he puts himself in motion, going through the actions he’s done so many times before.

 Edward lets him lead, lets him touch, lets him kiss and nip and tug and pull and lets him get whatever he needs to get out of his system, until they’re both shirtless and a little out of breath. Étienne isn’t looking for soft, or for affection – feels like he needs to prove a point that there’s still some of his gritty essence buried in the mess of his head – that this is what Edward’s signing up for and is it really what he wants – that he’s still a broken mess and is he really worth the trouble, but Edward reaches up for him, gentle as all else, and caresses his face with loving fingers and whatever Étienne had been trying to prove breaks off and leaves him aching.

 “We don’t have to do anything, you know?” Edward tells him, once more reading his mood better than he can at times. “I didn’t come to your room with the intent of having sex; if we do it’s fine, but I came here because I wanted to be with you,” He adds and Étienne’s cheeks flush for a different reason, ashamed and embarrassed.

 Étienne falls back next to Edward and wishes he could disappear. He hopes maybe Edward will let him be, that maybe he’ll be disgusted and leave, but Edward spoons behind him and presses himself close, kisses his bare shoulder. His arms come around him and Étienne hates how small he feels or the tears that threaten to fall. Most of all he hates how empty and alone he still feels inside. He hates the perceived distance between him and Edward he knows isn’t really there, but that plagues his mind. He hates that he’s like this. A perpetual mess left at the mercy of others.

 “Hey, sweetheart, it’s okay, Étienne,” Edward is gentle as he properly gathers him in his arms. There’s some manoeuvring, pillows are fixed and propped up and Étienne lets Edward jostle him until he finds himself being held against Edward’s chest, while Edward cradles him close, sitting up against the pillows and the headboard.

 “I’m sorry – I’m sorry I’m still such a mess – I thought I was doing better,” He admits and he tries to keep it together – tries to seem like he has some semblance of control, but he can’t anymore and gives up, letting himself crumble into Edward’s arms. Luckily, Edward is kind and ever so patient and holds him close as he murmurs reassuring things in his ear. He lets him recompose himself and stays even when he could have easily left. A moment or two or maybe even more pass and eventually Étienne calms down enough to be coherent again. Edward hands him a tissue and Étienne wipes at his eyes and blows his nose. He feels a little better, as though he’s evacuated something foul from his soul and he supposes it’s a start.

 “You know it’s never been about the sex,” Edward reiterates, “I love you for more than sex,” And, logically, Étienne knows – or at least, he tells himself he knows, but now he wonders if he really did – if he ever truly believed that someone could love him without the sex. If that was even a thing. If he was ever worthy of more than just sex. “Don’t get me wrong,” Edward continues, carding his fingers through Étienne’s curls, “I enjoy the intimate things we do together, but I also enjoy spending time with you doing everything else. I love you for who you are, Étienne, sex or no sex, always have and always will.”  

 Étienne hugs him close. Holds onto him and tries to burn the words into his skin – to remember them for the next time he feels like he’s drowning from the inside – to have them close when he feels far. Edward does his best, presses gentle kisses to Étienne’s brow and his cheek, until they resettle. Étienne is glad he’s here – gladder still that Edward is here with him and when he tells him as much, he’s rewarded with the softest of smiles. Étienne asks if Edward will kiss him – not because they have to, but because he would like to, and Edward is more than happy to comply. Étienne even manages a joke, old as it may be, and reminds Edward that he’d never gotten a proper chance to finish off his earlier countdown of birthday kisses. It makes Edward laugh and he picks up from where he left off, promising to make it back to 1642 – one kiss for every birthday.

 FIN

[jeidafei]

D.Gray-Man Chapter 231 Translation Notes

Hi DGMers! jeidafei from Kougeki Scans here. I’m a total newbie to scanlation and I’ve never made my own note before. However, I’ve read all THREE versions of the DGM translation for reference, (This just goes to show this fandom’s undying love for the subject matter) and noticed some discrepancies between scan groups...

Not to say who is wrong or right, as translators are also humans (unless AI got over its Google Translate phase and take over our jobs someday!) with different experiences and backgrounds, and as such there is no such thing as right or wrong in a translation. 

So, in addition to my translation, I would also like to give readers the opportunity to interpret things freely without the language barrier as well, and maybe share some of my knowledge regarding Japan and the Japanese language accumulated from over a decade of learning Japanese (mostly through D.Gray-Man and Ghibli animes XD) and around three years of living, studying and working full-time in Japan.

1. “生々流転” (seiseiruten or shoujouruten)

The cover art is mind-blowingly beautiful this time. So much so that I’ve been secretly wondering whether Hoshino-sensei spent even more time on the cover than the actual content itself and that’s why we have 20 instead of, like, 40 pages.

Anyway, it also gives us this little conundrum...

@panthaleia has already done a marvelous analysis here and you should check it out! so I won’t be going into details much; I would just like to give you a definition and leave it to your imagination. I admit I’m pretty much stumped by this as it isn’t clear what exactly Hoshino-sensei is referring to by this concept.

Japanese culture and language takes heavy influence from Chinese since ancient times, and there are plenty of these four-letter Chinese idioms in daily use, called 四字熟語 (Yojijukugo), some of which can be challenging for non-native learnersーand even the Japanese themselvesーto fully grasp its concept, considering the wealth of yojijukugo-themed dictionaries and games published in Japan. 

The Japanese definition of 生々流転 goes as follows:

すべての物は絶えず生まれては変化し、移り変わっていくこと。▽「生生」は物が次々と生まれ育つこと。「流転」は物事が止まることなく移り変わっていく意。「生生」は「しょうじょう」とも読む。 (source)

A compilative translation of the above and other versions in the source would be nothing is unchanging; all existence is born, constantly changes (and dies) in a cycle that repeats itself endlessly. The emphasis seems to be put on the term of “constant change” and the “neverending cycle” of all existence, rather than the birth and death of living beings, however, and thus I believe my own and Mangastream’s translation of it as “Circle of Life” may not be comprehensive of what Hoshino-sensei is trying to convey. 

In my opinion, it could either be interpreted literally to mean the cycle and flow of energy and soul-force that Past!Allen had mentioned to Nea all those years ago, or considering the plot of the current chapter it can also refer to the story coming full circle and returning to the point of its birth, by taking Allen back to Eddystone...Edinston...Edinburgh...Edinsーargh dammit I give upーwhere his story began with his meeting with Mana Walker.

Speaking of which...

2. The Town Where Allen Began

Mangastream called it Eddingston. Starbuds called it Edinston. The D.Gray Wikia adopted Edinstown and that’s what I decided to go with for now. 

However, the actual Japanese text is  エディン��トン, phonetically E-din-su-ton. Thus, the most phonetically accurate would probably be Starbuds’ Edinston. Edinstown can be transliterated back into Japanese as エディンスタウン, whereas Eddingston would probably be エッディングストン to the Japanese folk (I’ve highlighted the difference in spelling).

There you go! Now y’all can call it whichever way you want! 

3. Why is Allen so alarmed?

Right after Mana said that he draws all those little “I am here”s like a street graffiti punk so God would be able to find him, Allen looked as if he had recalled something significant. Seeing as Allen is about to tell the tale of his beginnings, this would probably be clarified in the next chapter. However, in my opinion, Mana saying “so he would be able to find me” is reminiscent of this sentence back in Reverse: Lost Fragment of Snow:

Back when he still remembers Nea and his purpose of searching for him, Mana was taking every measure to make sure Nea recognizes him, as he now looks different from his 17-year-old self. Sure, Mana might actually be referring to God this time as he said it; we’d never know until the next chapter at the least, but the memory of Mana’s words back at the circus must have been what shook Allen to the core.

4.  はじまり 

The term はじまり (hajimari) or “the beginning” seems to be the central theme in this chapter; appearing on the cover page, the first page and the last page of last chapter, emphasizing the fact that both Allen and the plot has now come full circle and returned to where “Allen” began. 

This cliffhanger freaks me out though, as I couldn’t see how Hoshino-sensei could tell Allen’s story without repeating Reverse: Lost Fragment of Snow, as that is stated to be the story of how Allen came to be:

Anyway, my fear and frustration of waiting-six-months-for-new-developments aside, hajimari is a very popular to the point of cliched concept in Japan, in my opinion. If you go to karaoke in Japan and type in hajimari in the machine, it would come up with a SH*T TON of songs containing hajimari in the song name, with hajimari no uta (The song of beginnings) and hajimari no basho (The place where it all began, which is also mentioned in this chapter) being some of the most repetitive. 

As much as the cherry blossoms are a symbol of Japanese culture, the Japanese people themselves regard the month when the cherry blossoms bloom, April, and the season of Spring, as the marker of new beginnings, of significant turning points in life. The start of school term, start of fiscal year, start of working life and end of childhood, Your Lie in April , etc. all happen in April. 

This phenomenon is especially remarkable in Japan. Being the country of uniformity, virtually every school and workplace throughout the country would start their activities in April. 

In my experience, Japanese aesthetics revolve around the changing seasons and times a lot, and countless pop songs that are released around March-April would sing of the blooming cherry blossoms swaying to the wind and new beginnings for students graduating from high school or university. In the same manner, songs coming out in Winter would feature slower melodies and the distinctive, ringing, Christmas-ey chime from the likes of music boxes, glockenspiels, triangles or celestas, and songs released in Summer would usually be quicker, livelier with lyrics retelling a fun trip to the beach, firework shows and sunshine (－and bikinis, if you’re listening to AKB48!).

To someone who came from a tropical country with three pretty much indistinguishable, unpleasant seasons (Damn-you-Summer, Damn-you-Summer-with-Rain-and-Floods and Damn-you-Summer-with-Three-Days-of-Winter), the beauty of the Japanese seasons and how the Japanese culture and lifestyle intertwine so closely with it has always fascinated and charmed me.

5. The Gratitude Dilemma

In addition to the seiseiruten conundrum, this chapter also throws up some more challenges for translators. One notable example for me being how to accurately capture the essence of this panel:

Both Starbuds and Mangastream worded this bubble very differently, and I won’t say who is the most accurate, but I will explain my choice of wording the best I can (with a few tips to weary Japanese learners along the way, hopefully). The actual Japanese raw is below:

My atrocious highlighting skills aside, we can clearly see the emphasis given to the suffix てあ��よう (te-ageyou) here. 

Allen didn’t say it straight out that he’s pitying Kanda or the like, but he’s using the te-ageru form, which means “ [doing something] for your sake” . 

The concept of gratitude is important in a strict, seniority-based society like Japan, and accordingly there are two verb suffixes just to show gratitude: when someone else does a favor for us: te-kureru, and when we receive a favor from someone else: te-morau. 

Yes, there’s a difference. And this is one of the most troublesome head-scratchers and trick-question-subjects for intermediate learners of Japanese taking the JLPT test (and translators of Japanese songs and manga as well), as to make things worse the Japanese usually omits the subject and/or object of the sentence. 

My tip for making sense of this is for te-kureru, the other person must be the subject of the sentence, whereas for te-morau, I/me must be the subject.

Starting to see now why so many of my classmates gave up on Japanese and why so many anime subs/manga translations are sometimes inaccurate? 

We also get another instance here:

(watashi ha kami ni) mitsukete-moraeru you ni would literally mean something along the lines of so (I) could be found by (God) for my sake. I put parentheses here to show you how both the subject and object of this sentence is omitted, and why we must be extremely careful in cases when it is less clear than this who is doing what for whom. To learners, you MUST pay attention to the conjunctions. 

For the sake of convenience and more natural speech I just used so God would be able to find me. 

Back to Black Allen, te-ageru or its more casual/demeaning form te-yaru, on the other hand, is used for when we’re doing a favor for someone’s sake and should be used sparingly/carefully to people of the same status or lower, as it could sound patronizing depending on context. So Allen using it to Kanda is meant to be very cheeky and infuriating, as if he’s trying to emphasize that his giving up is more out of pity/sympathy for Kanda’s hapless persistence than his own being tired of or incapable of escaping.

Because in reality it is just as he personally admitted in the earlier page: he’s got no money and cannot elude the Order without Kanda’s help, and decided to just twiddle his thumbs and wait around for now. 

But food and a man’s pride are everything to Allen...

That’s all for now. I hope you enjoyed our translations. See you in three months, fellow DGMers! 

[excitedneuron]

Finished Reading: American Psycho

I really enjoyed this book. Haven’t read a book that gave me such intrigue and curiosity to keep reading like this book for a while. I’m surprised and slightly disappointed it is only 3.8/5 stars on Goodreads but then, I suppose the level of graphic violence must have put off a lot of readers. For me, being the slightly morbid reader I am, I was impressed by the graphic writing. The writing style was clear and crisp, you could easily grasp the distinct voice of Patrick Bateman when he begins to narrate the story. Interestingly, the story does not start with Patrick narrating. Instead, it begins in third person describing a conversation between Tim Price and his unnamed companion (which a few pages later on turns out to be Patrick). It is interesting we don’t instantly get inside Patrick’s head, it is only a few pages in the story suddenly turns into the first person voice of Patrick Bateman. I think of the first pages demonstrating Patrick’s detachment from where he is in the moment of the scene, which is a recurring theme throughout the book.  For me, I almost felt tricked by Patrick and by the author; I fall into the trap of trying to like Patrick. It’s easy to be fascinated by psychopaths, and with that fascination comes a sprout of attatchment to this monstrous character.  Scenes where I am especially having feelings of amicability for Patrick are ones where he appears to show disgust or boredom for the rich, boring individuals he surrounds himself with. Blandness is at the core of their culture, and the fact that Patrick deviates from this blandness into psychopathy makes me more accustomed to liking him. This is of course before I have encountered any of the killing/sex scenes. 

My opinion of Patrick drastically changes when the author vividly describes Patrick’s murders. He commits acts so sickly and horrifying it blows my mind how the author founds the inspiration to physically write these descriptions. As horrific as they are, I also must commend the author; enabling a reader to physically cringe over a passage of words is an achievement. It is a skill, a craft to write so vividly. The story has no clear trajectory, instead of chapter numbers each chapter name describes the scene which Patrick finds himself in. These scenes can be months,days even hours apart. I liked this style, for one thing it allowed me to tell what each chapter would be about from the title.However, there is no clear “plotline”, the book is merely describing points in time of Patrick’s life in his perspective.  It’s only during the killing scenes that I realise how warped Patrick’s mind really is. When he kills, he does not hold back at all. Despite having rigorous exercise and facial hygeine routines, when it comes to willpower over committing murder and other attrocities, Patrick really does struggle to control his willpower. Willpower or not, Patrick takes pleasure out of these acts, (as much as experiencing pleasure is possible for a psychopath like himself), it continues to hold his interest unlike the majority of things in his life (people, materialism). 

Something mildly frustrating about American Psycho is the lack of depth the story goes into Patrick’s backstory. We find out very little about his backstory and past, which I imagine the author made sure of intentionally to keep Patrick more ambiguous and mysterious. Thus it is hard to deduce the extent to which we can blame his psychopathy on his genes or family or whether it is in fact due to the rich and bland culture he grew up in. It is likely to be a mixture of both, the details that we do grasp of his past are all connotated with evil and immorality. He rapes his “maid” at only 14 years old, a detail only briefly mentioned in the book, but totally jarred me. If at 14 he is capable of sexual assault, it is almost no wonder he becomes the person he does by the time he is 27. We also are shown a scene between Patrick and his younger brother Sean. It is made obvious that Sean is more successful than Patrick, such as his abillity to easily get seats at the restraunt “Dorsia”. Dorsia is Patrick’s enemy, he can never get seats at this restraunt no matter how hard he tries yet his brother secures them easily. Whilst this seems trivial, it highlights 2 important facts. Patrick feels insecure compared with his brother. And his brother is “higher up” than Patrick. I wondered when reading the scene between Patrick and his brother, how similar Patrick’s brother might be to Patrick, could he too have psychopathic traits? It is not made obvious, but I would presume that Sean could easily be a psychopath too but unlike Patrick does not need to murder. After all, not all psychopaths are murderers. As well as his brother, we are also shown a scene between Patrick and his Mother. Patrick visits his Mother in hospital, though mostly shows detatchment throughout the visit and is described looking at his hair through most of the visit; he is naturally more concerned with his appearance than with his Mother. The conversation between Patrick and his Mother shows very little other than the fact they have a poor relationship. I would imagine that Patrick and his relationship with his father would be most interesting of all his family relationships. Sadly, we find out the least about his father. Patrick describes his father’s eyes as cold and lacking emotion, traits the reader easily would match with Patrick’s own personality. I think it would be a fair statement to say that potentially, the psychopathy runs in the Bateman family. Another interesting detail is that Patrick does not need to work, one of his ex-girlfriend’s Bethany mentions, the Bateman family business must be so rich that the fact Bateman is working seems odd to Bethany. Patrick argues that he works anyway to keep up appearances. 

Appearances are a huge theme in the book. It is because of Patrick’s appearance, his status as well as his good looks which make him seem like the most unlikely to commit murder. Patrick’s “appearance” essentially shields him from having to face the justice system/police like an ordinary middle classed person would. He is protected by his lawyers as well as his appearances. In one especially iconic scene, Patrick claims he murdered “Paul” but this particular man cannot believe him simply because he is sure he has seen Paul in London. He hasn’t of course, the problem with Patrick’s wall street life is that everyone looks the same; people are constantly mistaken for others; this is pure normalcy in their circle. People who have only watched the movie argue that this scene is proof that all the murders were in Patrick’s head. Perhaps one could make that argument for the film, but I would passionately disagree that is the case for the book as well. One of my favourite quotes from the book and film, which really epitomises the theme of appearances is when patrick in his head says “The inside...doesn’t matter”. Because for Patrick all his life, this has been the case. It doesn’t matter that on the inside he is a monster. Even the fact that he commits these monstrous acts doesn’t matter because they could never be associated with him. He is utterly shielded by his appearances, and perhaps part of him wants to be caught; he after all knows how easily he is protected by his status.

As evil as Patrick is, it is clear that the people around him aren’t much better. I would argue Patrick is the physical manifestation of an accumulation of the sins, evils and immoralities of the wallstreet, the rich and the bland. Another scene that especially sticks out to me is one between a taxi driver and Patrick. The driver has recognised Patrick from a “wanted poster” with his face on it; he realises Patrick is the one who murdered “Sully”, a likely close friend of the driver’s. The obvious outcome was that the driver would ring the police; he had a gun whilst Patrick only had a knife, he was the one in control of the situation. But instead, the driver demands Patrick hand over his watch and credit card. Because there was no “reward prize/money” for finding Patrick, the driver had sought out his own reward. This scene for me, suggests that Patrick might never get caught. Money plays a far bigger role than justice. Having said that, as the story progresses Patrick becomes increasingly sloppy in his killings, his perfect “mask” constantly slipping at the wrong moments so I suppose I could counter that if Patrick continued in this downward trajectory he would get caught.

I did not expect to find myself writing what feels like so much about this book. I really enjoy it a lot. The writing style, the characters, the themes. All gold. I’d easily give this book 5 stars out of 5.  

[mindjuice]

As I stare at this photo, I somehow find myself going down the memory lane. This photo was taken back when I was still in law school. Yes, I’m no longer enrolled in law school. It’s all photos and memories (or nightmares of bad recitations and failed examinations) now. Kidding aside, it feels good to look back and browse through my law school photos. It allows me to absorb where it all went wrong, or rather--where I went wrong. 

I remember taking this photo. I was sitting in one of the high chairs in a co-working space located somewhere in Manila. I was overwhelmed with joy and hope because I couldn’t get over the seminar I just attended. I came from a seminar which tackled election laws in the Philippines since Senatorial election was fastly approaching. I attended a seminar without a clue on what the whole thing would be about. But I remember coming out of the room with so much hope because I felt so sure that I need to pursue law because Election Law is interesting, along with other law subjects. I was too hopeful and looking forward that it made me forget about the present issues which had to be dealt with right away--my obligation as a law student. 

These are obligations and contracts reading materials. My codal on top, my printed commentary, some highlighters on top of the print-outs and a cup of good coffee on the side.I was supposed to finish a certain number of chapters in order to prepare myself for recitation and final examinations (which was still a month away but I knew that I had to catch up). I was too happy that I forgot about my backlog in school. I was so sure of the future that I forgot about the present. And now that I reevaluate this photo and what happened that day, I finally know where I lacked in terms of preparation: I let things pile up. I let my backlog remain backlog. I was just merely excited but I didn’t put in the amount of work required. I have to acknowledge these mistakes or else, these will never be solved. I want to go back to law school but I also need to revisit some bad habits of mine. I have to change so many things about how I handle and accomplish my tasks. I need to change my system of dealing with things if I want big goals because these goals require being consistent with small daily goals before actually hopping into ticking off the big ones.

My takeaway: 

Small wins need to be celebrated. Accomplishing small goals often lead to accomplishing the larger ones ahead. Face the small issues or they will accumulate and consume you or worse, even drain the hell out of you before you know it. 

[markoftheasphodel]

When Xmas Cavs Grow Up

Just to get all my thoughts in one place, especially as a) I haven’t talked about Seth & Orson in a long time and b) FE15 happened.

One of the (cough) archetypical hallmarks of Fire Emblem casts is the “Cain and Abel,” meaning not murderous siblings but a pair of matched knights who are friends or friendly rivals. One wears red and one wears green, one is loud and the other is quiet, one is serious and the other is fun-loving, often one whacks things with a sword while the other spears things with a lance. It’s a consistent enough trope to get its own page (70) in the 20th anniversary artbook.

But what happens when these bright young things grow up? Well, a couple of FE games have given us a glimpse of it.

Spoilers for Archanea, Jugdral, Magvel, and Valentia follow.

Archanea: Cain and Abel

“I work with a knight called Abel. I tend to get carried away, but he balances me out with his calmness.”

“When there are two precious things in your life… you must choose between them.

So, during the War of Heroes (FE3 Book II/FE12), Cain and Abel aren’t "the Cain & Abel” anymore. A new pair of trainee knights, “rowdy” Luke and “steady” Roderick, fill those roles with Roderick’s love interest Cecil rounding them out as a trio of cavaliers. So what’s become of the OG Christmas Cavs?

Yeah, OK, I think everyone here knows this story. If you don’t, FE Heroes gives you the Cliff’s Notes versions. Cain stayed at Marth’s side, trained a new crop of knights, and per FE3 Book II was trusted enough to help govern Altea when Marth went on missions elsewhere, and became Marth’s advisor after Jagen’s iron bones finally rusted out. Cain’s loud, he likes training, he’s nicknamed The Bull, he’s basically got no life outside of serving Marth.

Meanwhile Abel, the suave Panther to Cain’s Bull, retired, got married, opened a shop, and got dragged back into the war when his wife Est got held hostage by the bad guys, betrayed Marth, got forgiven for it, and then disappears forever after the war, chasing after an equally forever-disappeared Est. We know he and Cain are BFFs because Fire Emblem lore consistently tells us they’re friends, not because they actually have any scenes together or anything. They’ve been imitated, echoed, expied, et cetera.

Cain joins the party in FE12 as an unpromoted Level 9 cavalier, Abel joins many chapters later as a Level 1 paladin. (Don’t ask me how he got that promotion.)

Highlight: You get a better sense of Cain&Abel’s eternal legend from their expies Sully and Stahl in FE13 than you do from the originals.

Jugdral: Glade and Finn

“Glade, this is just the beginning. We still have a long way ahead of us.”

“Yes, we must return to Lenster and restore the flag of the Gae Bolg… That’s when we can finally have a drink together again.”

Archetypes weren’t really a thing during the SNES era but there were definitely call-backs even in the first five installments and FE5 had more than a few callbacks to FE3 specifically (hi, Asvel! Hi, Shannam!). Enter our next pair of veteran BFFs. If you only know Glade as the punchline to the Choose Your Heroes poll them I recommend reading this on Reddit as a primer.

Glade fits into what’s generally seen as the “Cain” archetype– maybe not as naturally talented as his BFF but known for his hard work and enthusiasm. He’s outspoken enough to criticize allies– even (allegedly) royal allies– who are letting down the cause and he’s openly affectionate with his wife Selphina. Life in the resistance has been hard and he’s accumulated a lot of regrets but he’s still in there trying. Finn is the more introverted of the pair, less willing to go on the record about his opinions, less able to demonstrate affection– which impacted his relationship with his own MIA apparent-love-interest Lachesis and is contributing to a strained relationship with his daughter Nanna. His sole passion, if it counts as one, appears to be geopolitical. “Another Abel with the same shitty taste in women,” one member of the FE Subreddit called him in a thread where passions were running high, and while that phrasing isn’t really fair to anyone involved, the underlying connection is legit IMO, though maybe not in the way that poster thought.

Glade and Finn aren’t polar opposites so much as they are variations on a theme (they even use the same weapon), in large part because Glade appears to be Finn’s deliberate foil, spun off to do the exact things FE4!Finn was doing that didn’t gel with where his FE5!characterization was taking him. They’re both loyal, patriotic, and so forth, and they’ve both suffered hardship for the cause of Prince Leif and Leonster, but whatever stroke of fate let Finn catch Prince Quan’s favor when they were kids while Glade stayed behind in Leonster has put a gap between them that friendship can’t bridge 100%. Glade’s doing his job and accumulating worldly success, Finn’s on a crusade that entails high personal sacrifice. Glade’s got his regrets, Finn’s outright broken inside. Glade’s a leader; Finn’s a hero. Glade makes history; Finn becomes a legend.

Unlike Cain & Abel they have actual in-game dialogue, plus the Leonster’s Fall short story in the Thracia artbook to give a sense of who they were as young knights before everything went to utter shit. There’s a lot of emotional build-up to their mid-battle reunion, which itself isn’t that emotional a scene but does include the “we’ll have a drink later” line that seemingly evokes the dialogue between Sigurd and Eldigan early in FE4. Given how that friendship played out, this would seem ominous… but, as it happens, fate has pretty much done its worst to these two already. There’s no betrayal, no falling out. After the war Glade enjoys his hot wife and promotion and makes New Thracia into an efficient and modern war machine. Finn disappears into the desert for three years because Reasons but he does come back. Remake plz?

Finn’s in Leif’s starting party as a Level 7 unpromoted unit, Glade joins in Ch13 as a Level 2 promoted unit.

Highlight: In spite of all the ways in which Jugdral is hell this is the only world in which our Veteran Cav BFFs might have the chance to continue their friendship later in life.

Magvel: Seth and Orson

“If Orson can turn his back on Renais… We remaining knights will have to work all the harder to prove ourselves!”

“You’re an impressive knight, Seth. You would sacrifice your life for king and country. Not even a moment’s pause. It’s a pitiful, unrewarding life, through and through.”

One of my contentions about FE8 has always been that, despite the mechanical similarities to FE2 (dual lords, monsters, etc) that the plot was a reworking of the War of Heroes, with more emphasis on character development and far less on the overall heroic myth. Given the shit that dedicated knights go through for their Lords, it was only a matter of time before we got to see what happened when somebody actually snapped. Abel betrayed Marth and all but he didn’t mean to, and Marth forgave him, and he’s just kind of an incoherent mess (see: FE Heroes) thereafter of his loyalty and his love for Est and his regrets for his treason. Finn breaks inside but keeps going on his impossible path despite a wasteland of collateral damage (including Glade at one point) around him and stakes that rise from “stay alive” to “reclaim Leonster” to “unify all Thracia” to “liberate entire continent from Dark Lord” because well, that’s what he does. Either way, they lose the girl (to say the least). Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. 

Enter Orson, who looks at this particular bad deal being offered and says “to hell with that.”

So Orson and Seth are knights of Renais. Orson seems to be the older of the two. He’s got a quiet and serene personality (so, he’s the Abel) and he’s got a wife named Monica. Seth is the commander of the Knights of Renais, is renowned as The Silver Knight, has the other young knights looking up to him. He’s not boisterous like some of the Cain-types but he’s got the red hair, the training-freak personality (see: FE Heroes), and so on. Seth in typical Cain fashion doesn’t have a ladyfriend… yet. Hold that thought.

Long story short, Orson doesn’t betray Renais because Monica’s being held as a hostage. He betrays Renais because Monica’s already dead and in the grave six months and Grado’s dark powers offer her back in some horrible fashion. He sells out his country to enjoy alone time with the ghastly puppet of his wife, and when Seth finally confronts him mid-game Orson’s just sane enough to offer a concise and brutal takedown of the whole knighthood thing. And this hits Seth hard, because Seth’s been keeping his own secrets– specifically, his improper feelings for his liege lady princess Eirika– and FE8′s story is an entire gallery of bad examples of what twisted love can do to a person. Orson, Carlyle, Lyon himself– this roll call of the mad and the damned is what’s held up to Seth as his fate should he give into his heart: “there but for the grace of god(s) go I.”

But Magvel is surprisingly kind to Seth, offering him a happy ending with Eirika in spite of his own protests or a union with the lovely priestess Natasha. Orson gets a dirt nap in the company of what’s left of Monica.

Seth joins at the start as a Level 1 Paladin, Orson joins in Ephraim’s first chapter as a Level 3 Paladin before turning his colors.

Highlight: This is the only case in which the Veteran Cavs are not in some sense a retcon onto the source material.

Valentia: Clive and Fernand

“Enough, Fernand. You’ve suffered enough. You needn’t flog yourself any further.”

“Good… I am…rather tired. Tired of despair… Tired of rage… But Clive…I’m glad I got to see you one last time.”

FE2 didn’t have anything mapping to the "Cain & Abel” Xmas Cav archetype because it wasn’t an archetype yet and definitely didn’t have any take on the adult version thereof. FE15, besides retconning Forsyth into the ambitious Green Knight to the stolid Red Knight played by Lukas, plum invented an entire “veteran cav BFFs” tragic subplot for us to enjoy. Nice.

So on the one hand we have Clive. Clive’s the leader of the rebel group known as the Deliverance, has impeccable breeding and a glowing reputation, a sizable chunk of the playable cast has the hots for him, etc. He’s got a canon love interest, the glamorous paladin Mathilda, so you might expect based on the above that the plot-gods are about to take a wrecking ball to Clive’s life.

Except Clive also has a BFF and his BFF has problems. Orson at least has the pretense of being on the lords’ side before Seth unmasks him as a traitor. Fernand’s a prick from the moment he shows up on screen and promptly flounces from the Deliverance all in a froth over being led by a “farmboy” like Alm and lends his services (such as they are) to Rigel’s Lord Berkut. There’s also a hint that Fernand is actually into Mathilda himself (oh noes), but the entire Deliverance scene is rife with homoerotic subtext[*] and Fernand’s got a pretty bad case of it. Since Clive still cares a lot about his BFF we then have to make the attempt to redeem Fernand, which of course fails, so this particular version of the veteran cav subplot ends with a big dramatic death scene with a CG and lots of ellipses and everything. 

Their whole subplot is wrapped up in an interesting if maybe not entirely successful take on what knights exactly are for– what kind of ruler is a legitimate ruler? How is that ruler best served? Unlike all of the previous examples, Clive and Fernand started their careers as knights sworn to a shitty, useless, negligent king, one whose bloodline was apparently extinct by the start of the game. There’s never any question that Cain serves Marth, that Glade and Finn serve Leif, that Seth serves the twins of Renais. If Abel and Orson waver it’s not because Marth or the twins are not the right lords to serve, but because Abel and Orson have personal weaknesses. But Clive and Fernand both have to make an actual conscious choice as to whom they are going to serve, and Clive makes the right choice (with a lot of second-guessing along the way) and Fernand doesn’t, the end.

Clive joins as a Level 6 cavalier; Fernand is not playable in the main game.

Highlight: These guys get their own prequel in the Rise of the Deliverance DLC, wherein Fernand is playable .

* Xmas Cavs and their grown-up equivalents generally do have some measure of that goin’ on (Seth and Orson being an exception), but the Deliverance is pretty hard to overlook.

[another-writer]

Begin Again: Chapter 3

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 End Word count: 2,373 Warnings: a couple of swear words, mention and brief description of a panic attack (Tags at the end)

Bucky had been standing at the head of the bench press spotting Steve for the past twenty minutes, only half concentrating on his friend. Steve could handle dropping the weight on himself, probably. His mind was still reeling from the conversation he had had with you last night on the balcony. He had woken up at two in the morning and had ran into you in the kitchen when he got up to make himself some green tea to calm himself down.

He figured Sam had been exaggerating, but dammit the tea actually helped. 

Bucky knew that as much as you liked to talk, you also treasured your peace and so he hadn’t expected for your eyes to widen momentarily as you took in his panic-stricken form. You had been in the compound for … almost a month? And yet it was so easy to open up to you.

‘What are you thinking so hard about?’ Steve panted. 

Bucky blinked, losing his staring contest with the wall opposite. ‘Nothing,’ 

‘If you wanted to ask her out, she’d say yes.’

Bucky snapped out of his daze, looking down at his friend, but stayed calm. Steve was a dork but he was also observant, especially when it came to his teammates. Bucky wasn’t surprised that Steve picked up on his crush. 

‘I don’t think so,’ Bucky replied, abandoning Steve on the bench and hooking up a punching bag at the opposite end of the room. ‘She’s just being friendly.’

Steve smirked. ‘She doesn’t take the time to coax everyone back to sleep, Buck.’

Bucky blushed furiously. ‘How’d you know about that? And she doesn’t do it all the time, just happened like twice.’ 

‘Still, that’s more than enough.’

Bucky tried to suppress his broad smile. ‘You know she told me to screw Hydra,’ he chuckled.

‘What?’ Steve laughed breathlessly, resting the bar in place and sitting up.

‘No seriously, it was awesome,’ Bucky said. ‘I mean, I appreciate everyone’s patience but I think I needed to hear that.’

‘You’re only proving my point,’ Steve said knowingly. 

Bucky made a face and shook his head. ‘We’re friends, Steve, but I don’t think she’d want someone with so much baggage. Relationships are different.’

‘You’re just talking hypothetically,’ Steve argued. 

‘Steve, she -’ Bucky scowled. ‘She’s like the sun, y’know? She’s so good at everything I’m terrible at and she’s so smart and she’s gonna graduate from college and have this fancy high-tech job and fucking live this life that I can’t be a part of because I’m still trying to learn what the fuck this century even is!’

Steve surveyed his friend as he voiced all his thoughts that had been accumulating for the past few weeks; maybe longer, maybe since he had come out of cryo in Wakanda. It wasn’t news to Bucky that his experience under Hydra was an unfortunate, horrific chain of events that were never a result of his own doing, and although Bucky was still healing from his past he didn’t quite need to be comforted as much on the issue. It was that Bucky felt like he was falling behind; it was combination of his PTSD and his frustration with his PTSD, and the incredibly rational fear of his captors and the organisation they were part of. Bucky was just scared. 

‘I really like her but I like being her friend and I don't ... I don't want to push my luck.’

After three weeks of living in the compound, the butterflies in your stomach were getting increasingly harder to ignore. Around you, Bucky completely eased into this charming, dorky, guy whose smile could reverse climate change and outshine the sun. 

The worst part was that there was a completely rational part of you that was content with being Bucky’s friend - not only that, but that part of you knew that it was the best thing for him. The man was only just starting to adjust to life here after seventy years spent as a weapon, two spent alone trying to salvage bits and pieces of himself to construct a new level of normalcy, and then ending up in the middle of a crisis resulting in being sent back into cryo. Bucky didn’t need a love life, he needed a friend (besides mum-friend Steve) and you were more than happy to fill in the blanks. 

And then there was the irrational, irritating part of you that wanted nothing more than for Bucky to grab you and kiss you until you couldn’t breathe. You wanted everything you had with him now - the times when you taught him basic mechanics, binge-watching Parks and Recreation after everyone had gone to sleep, midnight pizzas, and drag races (him in one of Stark’s flashy cars, you on your first born child-slash-motorcycle) … You just wanted to kiss him while you did all of that. 

And of course there was the one most poignant worst moment of your life where you and Bucky were driving together just to get some time away from the bustle of the compound; the sun was setting, highlighting the sky with brilliant fiery oranges and golden hues and the light kissed his skin and made his eyes glow like stars or water when the moonlight hit it just right. There was a comfortable silence in the car, save for the music coming from your phone which you had plugged into the speaker system. You were passing through the older, more crooked part of Brooklyn when Bucky knitted his eyebrows and said -

‘I think I used to live here.’

You turned in the passenger’s seat to face him. ‘Really? How can you tell?’

Bucky turned the car back around, circling around the block. ‘There’s gotta be a street sign somewhere,’ he muttered under his breath. ‘Yeah, look!’

Bucky ended up parking the car on the pavement. You both got out and he lead you down between two decrepit apartment buildings; the fire escapes were rusting, black paint chipped, and the brickwork was starting to crumble. Still, with the way the setting sun was hitting the buildings and casting long shadows from the window panes across the walls, it was picturesque. 

Bucky made a point of walking next to you, so close that your arms brushed together. He had his hands tucked in the pockets of his jacket.

‘It used to be kinda sketchy,’ he admitted by means of explanation. ‘But Steve and I lived close to each other and there was this lady who lived with her niece next door and they were always real nice to us. Steve and I used to babysit her niece in the summer while she was at work …’

You smiled at him as he spoke endlessly about his days here. It was the first time he had told you memories of his past before Bucharest, before Hydra, before that period of time where his lifeline knotted and frayed and unraveled. You knew that Steve must have been aiding Bucky in regaining his memories and that there was a time where Bucky held no emotion for the things that he remembered while he tried to place himself back in some sort of timeline, but right here you sensed that Bucky knew he had reasons to be happy. It was all you could ever really ask for, all you realised you wanted for him.

Bucky broke off his sentence, looking at you and realising you had been staring at him. ‘And, yeah, that’s - that’s how we …’

You smirked at his blush and looked away. 

‘What?’ Bucky ducked his head down, smiling nervously, that animated glint still prevalent in his eyes.

You shook your head lightly unable to stifle your smile. ‘Your Brooklyn accent was getting really strong there.’

Living in the compound also meant picking up on the habits of your housemates, meaning you soon found that your window of solidarity rested between one and five o’clock in the morning. No one slept before eleven; people would start to wake at five; no one slept after nine a.m. (except Wanda who, like you, appreciated the art of sleeping until the sun was high in the sky sometimes. You really liked Wanda); Between eleven at night and one in the morning, Sam, Natasha, and Bucky would be playing video games and binge-eating. You loved the team but you also loved being alone sometimes. 

Which was why you were surprised to see Steve in the kitchen at two in the morning. If not asleep, he should have been in the gym.

‘Shouldn’t you be beating the living sand out of a punching bag, Cap?’ you asked as you dug around in the fridge looking for last night’s leftovers. You’d be damned if Sam got to the vegetable lo mein before you did.

‘I wanted to talk to you,’ he replied. 

‘How’d you know I’d be awake?’

‘FRIDAY monitors our activity,’ said Steve smiling somewhat tauntingly; his arms were folded over his chest. ‘I figured a genius such as yourself would know that over a hundred year old man.’

You rolled your eyes. ‘What do you want, Steve?’

‘What’s going on between you and Bucky?’

You choked on the mouthful of noodles, eyes streaming as you took several sips of water to calm yourself down. 

‘What?’ you coughed.

Steve seemed completely unphased by your shock. He didn’t say anything. 

‘Me … Bucky and I - no, there’s nothing,’ you said trying to sound calm.

Steve stayed quiet.

‘I’m serious,’ you emphasised. 

Steve blinked. 

You scoffed. ‘I think Barnes is a little too old for me, Cap, no thanks. We’re just friends, I’m catching him up on something called the twenty-first century, mother, so - I don’t think so.’

There was another beat of silence where your heartbeat pounded in your ears and blood crept up your neck, a blush colouring your cheeks.

Steve quirked an eyebrow and smiled. ‘He’s the same way.’

You paused. ‘What?’

‘He likes you.’

You shook your head and smiled self-deprecatingly. ‘I know that relationships work a little differently now but you’re reading too much into this, Cap. Bucky and I are friends.’

‘I haven’t seen him like this - ever,’ Steve added. ‘Even when we were in high school, Bucky was never this carefree.’

‘It doesn’t matter, Steve,’ you said firmly. ‘I don’t even like him, I have the emotional range of a grape.’

‘That’s not true.’ The bastard didn’t even acknowledge your grape comment. 

‘Steve, I’m not some saving grace that’s gonna get Bucky out of whatever pit he’s in.’

‘That’s the point though, that’s why he likes you,’ Steve implored. ‘Bucky’s been through hell and all he wants is to move on from that. Stark and Natasha thought it best to throw him into missions to get his mind focused but you’re grounding him. I don’t wanna sound dramatic -’

‘You are dramatic, Captain I-Don’t-Need-A-Parachute,’ you grumbled.

‘But you’re basically giving Bucky a reason to be happy here.’

‘Anyone who makes that guy a new arm would,’ you muttered. ‘And that doesn’t mean that he feels anything for me.’

‘You don’t see the way he looks at you,’ Steve argued, ‘and he’s too shy to say anything.’

You stared at him, speechless, with your arms folded, your snack abandoned on the kitchen counter. How does he look at me? The question was on the tip of your tongue but …

‘Bucky’s nice and all, Steve, but I don’t think he’s interested,’ you mumbled. ‘Now,’ you cleared your throat, ‘if you aren’t going to damage Tony’s gym equipment, then I will.’ 

On your way out, you passed through the dead silent corridor, pausing when you noticed that Bucky’s door was ajar. Approaching cautiously, with a stealth Natasha would be proud of, you peered through the gap.

Bucky was sitting on the edge of his bed hunched forward with his head in his hands breathing raggedly; Natasha was sitting next to him, close but not touching. You could hear her murmuring words you couldn’t understand - she was speaking in Russian. You remembered Natasha once saying that she wanted to give Bucky some positive affiliation with fragments of his past, including the language of Bucky’s days as the Winter Soldier.

Bucky was rubbing his hand harshly over his heart. His eyes were screwed shut.

Natasha must have sensed you were there because she looked up and beckoned you closer; as if pulled by an invisible string, you complied and sat by Bucky’s left side.

‘Barnes, you okay?’ you breathed, brow creasing when he nodded without looking up.

‘Breathe through your nose,’ you said in the same tone. ‘Nice and slow.’ You did the motions with him. ‘In … and out …’

Bucky repeated your instructions and you could tell by the gradual ease in his shoulders that his breathing was starting to regulate.

‘What happened?’ you murmured to Natasha.

She bit her lip. ‘Panic attack,’ she replied almost silently.

Your first reaction, aside from concern, was a total lack of thought. You had no idea what to do or if you should have even interrupted. Natasha clearly seemed to have a handle on things, much better than you could have ever done. Despite your fast friendship with Bucky, talking him through a panic attack was not on your resume.

Apparently, Natasha didn’t think the same.

You took a deep breath and swallowed your nerves. You just needed Bucky to be okay.

You knelt down in front of him, one hand cupping the back of his neck and rubbing it gently with your thumb, and the other squeezing his knee. Keeping one hand on his neck, you brought the other to his chin, prompting him to look at you. His eyes were circled with darkening shadows and were streaming with fatigue. You smiled softly at him, brushing the hair at the nape of his neck soothingly.

‘I-it was -’

‘You’re fine,’ you hushed. ‘Breathe now, tell me later, yeah? We’ve got all the time in the world,’ you smirked gently.

It was like clockwork the way you were with him.

‘C’mon,’ you prompted, handing him a glass of water that Natasha had left next to you ont he floor. ‘Small sips.’

You could feel another set of eyes boring into you and you shifted your eyes past Bucky’s figure and saw Steve watching you with a raised brow and a knowing smirk - past the despondency he felt for his friend - and then retreating to his room.

You ignored him, pushing his words to the back of your mind. You didn’t need his assumptions that Bucky felt anything non-platonic towards you; right now you just wanted Bucky to get his breathing back to normal and get some sleep.

Tags: @lauraonly @mytastereckless @hedakylo @wefracturedmotivation @eternal-queen @dontfuckwithkezolas @mrs-brxghtside @blackdemonseriexx

[waxeight06-blog]

The Weekly Roundup: Your Go-To Guide For Everything You May Have Missed This Week & More! 3/02 – 3/08

Welcome to Ben Greenfield’s Weekly Roundup and Cool New Discoveries!

Ben Greenfield’s discoveries from the latest news from the fronts of fitness, nutrition, health, wellness, biohacking and anti-aging research. I also recap my upcoming events and special announcements so you can keep up with giveaways, discounts and more!

New Discoveries Of The Week: Cool New Things I’m Trying, Books I’m Reading, And More!

– Book I Found Intriguing

100 Million Years of Food: What Our Ancestors Ate and Why It Matters Today: A fascinating tour through the evolution of the human diet, and how we can improve our health by understanding our complicated history with food.

Travelling around the world to places as far-flung as Vietnam, Kenya, India, and the US, Stephen Le introduces us to people who are growing, cooking, and eating food using both traditional and modern methods, striving for a sustainable, healthy diet. In clear, compelling arguments based on scientific research, Le contends that our ancestral diets provide the best first line of defense in protecting our health and providing a balanced diet. Fast-food diets, as well as strict regimens like paleo or vegan, in effect highjack our biology and ignore the complex nature of our bodies. In 100 Million Years of Food Le takes us on a guided tour of evolution, demonstrating how our diets are the result of millions of years of history, and how we can return to a sustainable, healthier way of eating.

Man, oh, man…the number of highlights I have on this book about “eating like your ancestors” and “how to do it” are vast. Here are just a few of my more interesting notes:

People around the Mediterranean learned to tame these compounds through curing and fermentation. An extraordinarily hardy tree, olives were originally cultivated for oil that was valued as a means of lighting and as a skin lubricant, especially for ceremonial purposes (whence comes the term “Messiah,” or the anointed one). Nowadays, the olive fruit is stripped of its bitter phenols and processed into various grades of edible oils with a high content of monounsaturated fatty acids, particularly oleic acid. (Phenols have excited interest for their potential role as antioxidants, but so far their health benefits remain unproven.) The richness of olive oil complements foods like cereals, vegetables, fruits, and fish, by making dull but reputedly healthy fare more palatable. Hence the explosion in popularity of the Mediterranean diet: At last, Westerners can sit down to exquisite meals again without having to feel guilty and stressing out about calories and fat. As with the phenols, there’s little evidence that olive oil itself is a healthy food. What makes olive oil valuable is that it helps to bind together an entire regional cuisine, making it possible for people to subsist on fare that is relatively low in animal products like meat and dairy yet still feel reasonably satisfied, especially when fresh, high-quality olive oil is available and when people are too poor to buy meat. As we’ll discuss in a later chapter, humans are hardwired to crave meat because it increases our reproductive prospects; hence, when Greece began to increase her wealth after World War II, her citizens tended to give up the olive oil blessed by nutritionists in favor of the carnal pleasures of meat and animal fat.

When Paul Sherman, a biologist at Cornell University, and his then-student Jennifer Billing looked at spice usage from recipes around the world, they found that hotter countries used more spices. This makes sense, since increased temperature boosts bacterial growth and encourages food spoilage, thus making the need for spices more urgent. One consequence of his theory is that it explains why tropical cuisines tend to be spicy: The lack of meat in them, especially fat, makes it necessary for cooks to drop in dollops of spices, to increase the feeling of pleasure that fat and meat would otherwise induce.

To put everything into perspective, fruits, like insects, were once an integral part of our evolutionary history and remained a valuable part of traditional diets. Even though meat provides virtually all of the nutrition necessary for survival, at certain times fruit could be crucial to human health, especially when fresh meat and its accompanying vitamin C were unavailable. For example, the Inuit living in Alaska, northern Canada, and Greenland made use of a broad variety of animal foods—seal, whale, walrus, caribou, polar bear, fox, wolf, Arctic hare, waterfowl, fish, mussel, sea urchin, and so on—but the Inuit also harvested a staggering variety of berries. These berries were critical; Inuit who lacked fresh seal meat could develop pustules when the berry crops ominously failed, as occurred in 1904–5 among the Greenland Inuit. From being a seasonal snack in traditional settings, fruits in industrialized countries have become sweet, cheap, and holy: Fruits offer urbanites, weary of the associations of meat with disease and cruelty, the opportunity to detox with spiritually unblemished food, a karmic train that inches forward with every four or five bucks forked out for a mega-sized fruit smoothie. Sadly, our ancestors jumped off the tracks leading to Fruit Heaven 16 million years ago, rendering our genes and livers unsuitable for daily jug-loads of fructose.

Professor Mintz argues that poor people around the world have historically been relegated to eating flavorless starchy foods, which were made palatable only through the addition of fringe dishes: Think of a thick swirl of spaghetti in a lake of tomato sauce; chilies kicking up corn and beans; or rice with soy sauce, fish sauce, or pickled vegetables. The elites of society, meanwhile, dispensed with the whole business of bland cores and flavorful fringes and helped themselves to meats that were furnished by the laboring masses.

Plant foods are today heralded as healthy fare, but people in traditional societies generally did not favor them, and for good reason. Consider the fate of the infamous Burke and Wills expedition, a scientific caravan that departed Melbourne in 1860 with the intent of exploring and crossing the Australian interior. The retinue boasted food sufficient for two years and sixty gallons of rum (to revive the camels)—all told, about twenty tons of supplies. However, after several months of mishaps and errors of judgment, three men—Robert O’Hara Burke, an Irish soldier and police officer; his second-in-command, William John Wills, a young English surveyor; and John King, an Irish soldier—found themselves stranded at Cooper Creek, hundreds of miles from Melbourne, with no pack animals (some of the camels had been eaten) and dwindling food supplies. Suffering from malnourishment and exhausted, the three men traded their sugar with native Aborigines for fish, beans, and the spore-like fruit of the nardoo fern. The Aborigines ground nardoo to make a paste and bread that were valuable during drought conditions, but the explorers may have neglected to roast, sluice, or winnow the spores as the Aborigines did. Doing so would have purged the nardoo of thiaminase, an enzyme that destroys vitamin B1. A person lacking vitamin B1 is debilitated by beriberi, a condition characterized by paralysis, weight loss, and loss of feeling in the extremities. Even though the men were able to consume four pounds of nardoo a day, they steadily lost strength. After weeks of wasting away, Burke and Wills died at Cooper Creek; a rescue party eventually recovered a seriously weakened King. The Burke and Wills debacle is usually portrayed as an example of cultural incompetence, since the explorers relied heavily on goods and technological might, while the Yandruwandha Aborigines were able to survive in the same area using the accumulated wisdom of their forebears. However, even the Aborigines used nardoo only as an emergency food. Consider the situation from the nardoo plants’ point of view. Like a squatter squaring off with a bulldozer, if you put down roots in a patch of soil, intending to live there for the rest of your life, you’d put up a rocking good fight the moment anyone tried to browse on your limbs, prune your flowers, pull out your roots, or nibble on your immature seeds. Making the best of their immobility, plants discourage predation with an impressive battery of defensive compounds. A raised middle finger or a portrait of Che Guevara may be the conventional symbols of defiance to many, but a plant would be just as true to the spirit of resistance. Apart from their fruits, plant parts are designed to be unpalatable through physical barriers or chemical warfare. We can group plants into six categories based on their effects when consumed:

• Enemies: plants that should never be eaten. These include assassins, plants whose toxins we deliberately employ as means of carrying out murder, torture, or punishment.

• Doppelgangers: plants that poison us because we mistake them for palatable plants.

• Sorcerers: plants that we regularly use as medicines but that harm us when we accidentally overdose on them.

• Werewolves: plants that are safe to eat at certain stages in their life cycles and dangerous at other life stages.

• Fallbacks: plants that may be eaten as a temporary resort but are not suitable for long-term consumption.

• Comrades: plants that are suitable for long-term consumption when properly prepared.

People in East Asia long disdained cow’s milk as a barbarian concoction, and only with active government and industry intervention is the drink now making inroads there. If dog milk were demonstrated to be thoroughly nutritious, how many Western shoppers would toss a carton of it into their grocery basket? People develop an innate aversion to bodily fluids from another animal, because such fluids could bear a nasty infectious disease. Thanks to their prominence in Western culture and society as sources of milk, the image of cows and their milk has been sanitized, but other potentially nutritious fluids, such as horse milk and pig’s blood, strike us as unpalatable, unless we are acclimated to them from childhood.

Similar to the Yoruba, the Inuit also had a dairy-free, low-calcium diet. Inuit children consumed perhaps 20 mg of calcium per day from traditional foods. Since the Inuit are genetically adapted to low-calcium diets, Inuit children who eat a high-calcium Canadian-style diet often exhibit dangerous levels of calcium in the blood, a condition that can damage the kidneys. Conversely, in the case of pastoralists who consumed a lot of meat and especially milk, people developed genetic adaptations to deal with high loads of cholesterol from those foods. East African Maasai pastoralists became genetically adapted to a mega-cholesterol diet of cattle milk, blood, and meat, with two-thirds of their calories coming from fat alone. Their daily cholesterol intake was four to six times the average Western cholesterol consumption, but the level of cholesterol in the Maasai blood was far lower than Western levels. The genes of Maasai show evidence of modifications in regions related to cholesterol metabolism and synthesis, atherosclerosis (the thickening of arteries that is related to cholesterol deposits), and lactase persistence. All of these genetic adaptations seem to make the Maasai better suited to a milk-rich, cholesterol-heavy diet.

Apart from the question of the ideal body type for long life or good health, there’s another important consideration that influences many people: What’s the ideal body type in the eyes of those we wish to attract? A surprising and perhaps disturbing conclusion from this research is that we tend to overshoot on our estimates of what it takes to look beautiful. According to studies of American college students, men want to be more muscular and bigger than women actually prefer; conversely, women want to be smaller, shorter, and more toned and have longer hair and bigger breasts than men actually prefer. What’s going on? Why do we go through all this madness of trying to adjust our appearance if our partners are really not happy with the results? There are two possible explanations. The first possibility is that the important thing might not be the end objective; it might be more important for us to just have a strongly motivating goal in mind. If you are looking to attract a particular type of person, then having an exaggerated notion of the ideal body may be the simplest option available for achieving that goal. A second, more likely explanation was offered by three of my colleagues at UCLA, David A. Frederick, Daniel M. T. Fessler, and Martie G. Haselton. They reasoned that a runaway competition for prestige takes place whenever we think about bodily characteristics and compare ourselves to others. We try to outdo others—that’s human nature. Never mind what someone else wants; that’s a pretty tough one to figure out, as any couple can attest. Just go one better than your peers, or imitate the most popular and richest public figure you admire, and you’ll have an easy guide. Some Hollywood starlet wears fur boots and oversized shades and dyes her hair blond? Some Hollywood actor pulls off his shirt to reveal razor-cut abs? Got it. Such efforts might not be exactly what our partners want, but our minds are designed to make us compete against our peers in a silly but intrinsically human game of envy and status-seeking.

Anyways, read this book. It’s well worth it.

Podcasts I Recorded This Week:

The Ultimate Guide To Freediving, Legal Blood Doping, Wim Hof Breathing, Increasing Your Breathhold Time, Underwater Ear Equalizing, Spearfishing & Much More!

This episode was brought to you by Thrive Market, JOOOVV “BEN”, Harry’s Razors and Kion

Nourishment: What Animals Can Teach Us about Rediscovering Our Nutritional Wisdom.

This episode was brought to you by Zip Recruiter, Trusii H2 Hydrogen Enriched Water, The Marc Pro – use code BEN to save! and Kion

Every month, Ben Greenfield releases never-before-seen videos, audios and PDFs inside the BenGreenfieldFitness “Premium” channel (just $10/year to access!). You can click here to go Premium and access an entire vault of protected content!

Articles I Published This Week:

My full article feed and all past archives of my articles are here if you want to check out past articles.

Get The Low Carb Athlete - 100% Free!Eliminate fatigue and unlock the secrets of low-carb success. Sign up now for instant access to the book!<![CDATA[ #_form_64_ font-size:14px; line-height:1.6; font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif; margin:0; #_form_64_ * outline:0; ._form_hide display:none; visibility:hidden; ._form_show display:block; visibility:visible; #_form_64_._form-top top:0; #_form_64_._form-bottom bottom:0; #_form_64_._form-left left:0; #_form_64_._form-right right:0; #_form_64_ input[type="text"],#_form_64_ input[type="date"],#_form_64_ textarea padding:6px; height:auto; border:#979797 1px solid; border-radius:4px; color:#000 !important; font-size:13px; -webkit-box-sizing:border-box; -moz-box-sizing:border-box; box-sizing:border-box; #_form_64_ textarea resize:none; #_form_64_ ._submit -webkit-appearance:none; cursor:pointer; font-family:arial, sans-serif; font-size:14px; text-align:center; background:#eb7000 !important; border:0 !important; color:#fff !important; padding:10px !important; #_form_64_ ._close-icon cursor:pointer; background-image:url('https://d226aj4ao1t61q.cloudfront.net/esfkyjh1u_forms-close-dark.png'); background-repeat:no-repeat; background-size:14.2px 14.2px; position:absolute; display:block; top:11px; right:9px; overflow:hidden; width:16.2px; height:16.2px; #_form_64_ ._close-icon:before position:relative; #_form_64_ ._form-body margin-bottom:30px; #_form_64_ ._form-image-left width:150px; float:left; #_form_64_ ._form-content-right margin-left:164px; #_form_64_ ._form-branding color:#fff; font-size:10px; clear:both; text-align:left; margin-top:30px; font-weight:100; #_form_64_ ._form-branding ._logo display:block; width:130px; height:14px; margin-top:6px; background-image:url('https://d226aj4ao1t61q.cloudfront.net/hh9ujqgv5_aclogo_li.png'); background-size:130px auto; background-repeat:no-repeat; #_form_64_ ._form-label,#_form_64_ ._form_element ._form-label font-weight:bold; margin-bottom:5px; display:block; #_form_64_._dark ._form-branding color:#333; #_form_64_._dark ._form-branding ._logo background-image:url('https://d226aj4ao1t61q.cloudfront.net/jftq2c8s_aclogo_dk.png'); #_form_64_ ._form_element position:relative; margin-bottom:10px; font-size:0; max-width:100%; #_form_64_ ._form_element * font-size:14px; #_form_64_ ._form_element._clear clear:both; width:100%; float:none; #_form_64_ ._form_element._clear:after clear:left; #_form_64_ ._form_element input[type="text"],#_form_64_ ._form_element input[type="date"],#_form_64_ ._form_element select,#_form_64_ ._form_element textarea:not(.g-recaptcha-response) display:block; width:100%; -webkit-box-sizing:border-box; -moz-box-sizing:border-box; box-sizing:border-box; #_form_64_ ._field-wrapper position:relative; #_form_64_ ._inline-style float:left; #_form_64_ ._inline-style input[type="text"] width:150px; #_form_64_ ._inline-style:not(._clear) + ._inline-style:not(._clear) margin-left:20px; #_form_64_ ._form_element img._form-image max-width:100%; #_form_64_ ._clear-element clear:left; #_form_64_ ._full_width width:100%; #_form_64_ ._form_full_field display:block; width:100%; margin-bottom:10px; #_form_64_ input[type="text"]._has_error,#_form_64_ textarea._has_error border:#f37c7b 1px solid; #_form_64_ input[type="checkbox"]._has_error outline:#f37c7b 1px solid; #_form_64_ ._error display:block; position:absolute; font-size:13px; z-index:10000001; #_form_64_ ._error._above padding-bottom:4px; top:-41px; right:0; #_form_64_ ._error._below padding-top:4px; top:100%; right:0; #_form_64_ ._error._above ._error-arrow bottom:0; right:15px; border-left:5px solid transparent; border-right:5px solid transparent; border-top:5px solid #f37c7b; #_form_64_ ._error._below ._error-arrow top:0; right:15px; border-left:5px solid transparent; border-right:5px solid transparent; border-bottom:5px solid #f37c7b; #_form_64_ ._error-inner padding:8px 12px; background-color:#f37c7b; font-size:13px; font-family:arial, sans-serif; color:#fff; text-align:center; text-decoration:none; -webkit-border-radius:4px; -moz-border-radius:4px; border-radius:4px; #_form_64_ ._error-inner._form_error margin-bottom:5px; text-align:left; #_form_64_ ._button-wrapper ._error-inner._form_error position:static; #_form_64_ ._error-inner._no_arrow margin-bottom:10px; #_form_64_ ._error-arrow position:absolute; width:0; height:0; #_form_64_ ._error-html margin-bottom:10px; .pika-single z-index:10000001 !important; @media all and (min-width:320px) and (max-width:667px) ::-webkit-scrollbar display:none; #_form_64_ margin:0; width:100%; min-width:100%; max-width:100%; box-sizing:border-box; #_form_64_ * -webkit-box-sizing:border-box; -moz-box-sizing:border-box; box-sizing:border-box; font-size:1em; #_form_64_ ._form-content margin:0; width:100%; #_form_64_ ._form-inner display:block; min-width:100%; #_form_64_ ._form-title,#_form_64_ ._inline-style margin-top:0; margin-right:0; margin-left:0; #_form_64_ ._form-title font-size:1.2em; #_form_64_ ._form_element margin:0 0 20px; padding:0; width:100%; #_form_64_ ._form-element,#_form_64_ ._inline-style,#_form_64_ input[type="text"],#_form_64_ label,#_form_64_ p,#_form_64_ textarea:not(.g-recaptcha-response) float:none; display:block; width:100%; #_form_64_ ._row._checkbox-radio label display:inline; #_form_64_ ._row,#_form_64_ p,#_form_64_ label margin-bottom:0.7em; width:100%; #_form_64_ ._row input[type="checkbox"],#_form_64_ ._row input[type="radio"] margin:0 !important; vertical-align:middle !important; #_form_64_ ._row input[type="checkbox"] + span label display:inline; #_form_64_ ._row span label margin:0 !important; width:initial !important; vertical-align:middle !important; #_form_64_ ._form-image max-width:100%; height:auto !important; #_form_64_ input[type="text"] padding-left:10px; padding-right:10px; font-size:16px; line-height:1.3em; -webkit-appearance:none; #_form_64_ input[type="radio"],#_form_64_ input[type="checkbox"] display:inline-block; width:1.3em; height:1.3em; font-size:1em; margin:0 0.3em 0 0; vertical-align:baseline; #_form_64_ button[type="submit"] padding:20px; font-size:1.5em; #_form_64_ ._inline-style margin:20px 0 0 !important; #_form_64_ position:relative; text-align:left; margin:0px 0px; padding:20px; -webkit-box-sizing:border-box; -moz-box-sizing:border-box; box-sizing:border-box; *zoom:1; background:transparent !important; border:0px solid #b0b0b0 !important; width:300px; -moz-border-radius:0px !important; -webkit-border-radius:0px !important; border-radius:0px !important; color:#000 !important; #_form_64_ ._form-title font-size:22px; line-height:22px; font-weight:600; margin-bottom:0; #_form_64_:before,#_form_64_:after content:" "; display:table; #_form_64_:after clear:both; #_form_64_._inline-style width:auto; display:inline-block; #_form_64_._inline-style input[type="text"],#_form_64_._inline-style input[type="date"] padding:10px 12px; #_form_64_._inline-style button._inline-style position:relative; top:27px; #_form_64_._inline-style p margin:0; #_form_64_._inline-style ._button-wrapper position:relative; margin:27px 12.5px 0 20px; #_form_64_ ._form-thank-you position:relative; left:0; right:0; text-align:center; font-size:18px; @media all and (min-width:320px) and (max-width:667px) #_form_64_._inline-form._inline-style ._inline-style._button-wrapper margin-top:20px !important; margin-left:0 !important; #_form_64_ ._form_10 text-align:center !important; #_form_64_ ._x20518276 label,#_form_64_ ._field10 label text-align:left; #_form_64_ ._form_31 width:100% !important; ]]>

Special Announcements:

::: Lowest Price You’ll See For the NEW Halo Sport 2 :::

The Halo Sport 2 tCDS headset I train with was released this week with a pre-sale discount just for my audience.

This headset is a significant upgrade from the original, which I’ve sworn by for years: ⁣ ⁣ – Fully wireless / BT enabled (if that concerns you, you can still use a cable which comes with it.)⁣ – Halo leveled up and you can now expect superior audio quality- think Beats by Dre ⁣ – Improved design and user experience: slimmer and more lightweight, much easier to wet the primers for tCDS⁣ – Upgraded app with new stimulation data and tracking ⁣ If you want the ultimate edge for training or even learning a new instrument, “neuropriming” will give you the advantages you are looking for. Check out this brief explainer to understand why elite athletes around the world trust Halo Neuroscience.

When you are ready to unlock your athletic potential, use code: GREENFIELD here for even bigger savings before it goes on sale to everyone else in April.

Articles & Podcasts I Was Featured In This Week:

– Why My HbA1c is 5.1 (and how I plan to move my blood sugar numbers lower)

– 24 Hour Fast – 13 Tips, Benefits, And Expectations – BHP50

Upcoming Events:

– April 6, 2019: The Future of Personalized and Precision Medicine with Horses, Bourbon, and Ben Greenfield at The Kentucky Castle, Versailles, Kentucky. I join doctors Matt Dawson and Mike Mallin for a special presentation on the future of medicine. Register here to join us for this unique & extremely limited event.

– April 12 – 13, 2019: FitCon Summit, Salt Lake City, Utah. FitCon® encourages everyone to Find Their Fit. It does not matter whether it is powerlifting, Crossfit, bodybuilding, roller derby, or even axe throwing. Be sure to visit the Kion booth in the expo! Get your tickets here. Use code: BEN50 to save $50.

– April 26 – 28, 2019: Paleo f(x) Conference, Austin, Texas. Join me, staff from my company, Kion, and the rest of your tribe at Paleo f(x)™ 2019, the largest gathering of Paleo / ancestral health / keto / functional medicine / strength & conditioning experts in the world… see everything you’ll get out of this enriching, enlightening event. Besides, April is a wonderful time of year to visit Austin, TX….Get your tickets here.

– June 6, 2019: An Afternoon of Transformation with Ben Greenfield, Denver, Colorado. A special event hosted by MaxLiving,  which exists to transform lives through chiropractic.

– June 15, 2019: Ultimate Fitness Run, Mt. Spokane, Washington. Join me and my family for a fun, as-competitive-as-you-make-it day outside for an OCR-style challenge. Register here while you still can. This event sells out quickly each year. Save with code: Ben10UFR and register here.

– June 23 – July 7, 2019: European Detox Retreat, Paracelsus al Ronc, Switzerland. At this 2019 liver detox and R&R retreat at the beautiful Swiss Mountain Clinic in the Italian quarter of Switzerland, you’ll stay on-site and receive diagnostics and treatments from the best doctors of biological medicine to detox your liver and your soul. Here’s the link to more info.

-View Ben’s Calendar Here

This Week’s Most Popular Instagram Pic:

View this post on Instagram

Last night I made my bastardized modification of the #mouthwatering "Matchagyver Ice Cream" recipe I discovered on page 166 of "The Biohacker's Handbook" (an awesome read that you can grab from my bio Linktree or bengreenfieldfitness.com/biohackingbook). This heavenly #icecream combines the nutrient-rich properties of egg yolks, the benefits of fats, green tea #polyphenols , trace elements and vitamins B, C and E. Instead of causing sluggishness, the ice cream increases mental agility and improves #cognition due to the combined effects of fats, xylitol and caffeine, and theanine from the green tea. If MacGyver were to start his day with ice cream, this would be it. Ingredients: 4 whole organic eggs 4 organic egg yolks 2 tsp Bourbon vanilla 2 tsp amla extract 1 tsp apple cider vinegar Juice from half a lemon 2 tbsp matcha powder 1 stick organic or grass-fed butter 100 g (½ cup) virgin coconut oil 50 g (¼ cup) MCT oil 120g (4.25 oz) xylitol 100 g (½ cup) spring water or coconut water pinch of unrefined sea salt Directions: Melt butter and virgin coconut oil in a water bath. Mix all ingredients in a blender and pour into a dish. Freeze overnight in a freezer or prepare in an ice cream maker. Garnish with bee pollen, coconut shavings or sea buckthorn berries. If you dig this recipe, you also need to try the #coffee recipe you’ll find in “The Biohacker’s Handbook” (Linked in bio) #macgyver #sweettreats #realfood #brainfood #organic #biohacking #desserttime #mindbodyspirit

A post shared by Ben Greenfield (@bengreenfieldfitness) on Mar 3, 2019 at 8:55am PST

This Week’s Most Popular Tweet:

I remember when I first discovered an unknown ring called Oura at a small expo in Helsinki, Finland. I bought one, and, proud to be one of the first to own, brought it back to the US & showed all my biohacking friends – Oura's come a long way since baby: https://t.co/CAHzUQMebD

— Ben Greenfield (@bengreenfield) March 5, 2019

My Most Popular Facebook Post This Week:

Last night I made my bastardized modification of the mouthwatering "Matchagyver Ice Cream" recipe I discovered on page…

Posted by Ben Greenfield Fitness on Sunday, March 3, 2019

The Ultimate Clean Energy Bar for Hard-Charging, High-Achievers

As a busy CEO, coach, professional athlete, international speaker, and top 100 podcast host—I needed a bar that would meet the intense demands of my lifestyle, while also satisfying my strict nutrition and purity requirements. I’m happy to say, THIS IS IT.

After years of habitually eating low-quality protein bars, I started having elevated blood sugar, gut rot, energy swings and toxins present in my blood tests. So I wanted to do something better.  I wanted to learn how can a bar provide adequate amino acids for recovery without spiking insulin and glucose, or creating mTor and longevity issues from excess protein intake?

You’re about to discover exactly how I did it. Meet the Kion Clean Energy Bar.

*The FDA hasn’t evaluated these statements. Kion products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.

Need Help Fully Optimizing Your Brain & Body? 

Did you know you can consult one-on-one with me so that I can personalize a nutrition or fitness plan for you to reach your goals? Are you training for physical performance? Trying to shed fat or gain lean muscle as fast as possible? Ready to tap into the most cutting-edge health, fitness and longevity protocols? Contact me so I can get you exactly what you need to reach your goals as safely and quickly as possible.

Leave your comments below – and any news or discoveries that you think I missed!

Cheers,

Ben

Ask Ben a Podcast Question

Source: https://bengreenfieldfitness.com/article/weekly-roundup-articles/weekly-roundup-3-02-3-08/

[samuelfields]

Best credit cards for 2019

I’ve shared my favorite personal banking tips with you in the past.

Here’s my pick for the best checking account

Here’s my pick for the best savings account

Today, we’re going to talk about credit cards.

Let’s get to it.

When my book was originally published, I named names. This is why some banks will never, ever partner with me. Oh well!!

My old favorite credit card: Citi PremierPass card

Anyway, in the first chapter on credit cards, I shared the details of my favorite credit card at the time: the Citi PremierPass card. In fact, I had used it as my primary credit card for several years and recommended it to hundreds of thousands of people.

That’s changed now.

Citi tightened up on its credit-card lineup, dropping several of their most compelling rewards. This was highlighted in a devastating column in the New York Times.

Hilariously, Citi actually mailed out a note to cardholders trying to spin the reduction of benefits into something like “exciting new features” — but it was obvious to anyone with a pulse that the most compelling rewards were being removed.

And so I began an exhaustive search for a new credit card. Because I spend a significant amount on my credit card, I expect significant rewards. Also, I consider it a fun game to find the 99.99999th percentile best card in the world.

Today, I’ll share my new favorite credit card. I consider it the best credit card on the market — even better than my old Citi card — and in addition to using it myself, it’s the card I’m recommending to my readers.

First, 6 rules about credit cards

Interest rate doesn’t matter if you don’t carry a balance. The interest rate is irrelevant, as long as you’re paying off your entire balance each month. Don’t keep a balance, please – if you are, stop reading now and read our article on crushing debt to get it down.

Use a rewards card. The vast majority of people should use a rewards card. If you’re already spending money, you should be rewarded for it. Exceptions are people who can’t qualify, who should instead use a secured credit card.

Travel credit cards are better than cash back. Most people would benefit more from travel rewards than from cash back. I describe the details of why travel credit cards are better here. For some reason, people get really mad when I make this recommendation, but I don’t care.

General rewards cards are better than airline-specific cards. Unless you fly a majority of flights on the SAME airline, I prefer a general travel card instead of an airline-specific card (like a United card). For example, I fly JetBlue and Virgin a lot, so I want a travel card that I can redeem on multiple airlines, not just one.

Annual fees are not Satan’s spawn. I know it may be blasphemy to personal finance “experts,” but I’m willing to pay an annual fee for my credit card! OMG! This is why you can call me RTR: Ramit The Rebel. In some cases, there are no-fee versions of the card, so you should always calculate if you spend enough to justify it. Still, $65/year is just not that significant to my financial situation anymore.

I am merciless about using my credit card perks. Credit card benefits can easily be worth $1,000/year. DO THIS.

Bonus: Want even more great advice for money management? Check out my new Free Ultimate Guide to Personal Finance.

What I want from the best credit card

My bottom line is this, the best credit card is the one that gets you the most free flights and free hotels. For example, I want a card that rewards me when I go on vacation, travel for friends’ weddings, or travel between NYC and SF.

Alternatively, I want to upgrade to business class when I travel abroad.

And I don’t want to be nickel-and-dimed for idiotic things like blackout dates, penalties, and fees.

So with that in mind, here is…

The best credit card for 2019

The best credit card for 2019 is the Chase Sapphire Reserve® Credit Card from Chase.

This is the best travel card on the market in 2019. Here’s why:

4 Sapphire Reserve perks that matter most

50,000 point sign-up bonus: Chase Sapphire Reserve gives you 50,000 bonus points for signing up if you spend $4,000 on the card in the first few months. As my friend Brian Kelly from The Points Guy points out, that’s $1,000 in value — meaning if you can commit to that $4,000 spending amount, the $450 yearly fee pays for itself — twice.

$300 annual travel credit: A lot of travel cards offer travel credits — money they just give you back at the end of the year for spending on travel. At $300, Sapphire Reserve’s travel credit is on the high end. Not only that — it applies to any travel purchase, including airlines, hotels, cruise lines, travel agencies, car rentals, even Airbnb and Uber. (You can find a full list of what Chase counts as “travel’ on their FAQ page here.) That makes it super easy to get that $300 credit, and makes the $450 yearly fee even less of a barrier.

3X points on travel AND dining worldwide: Chase gives you 3X the points for money you spend on flights, cruises, hotels, car rentals, trains, taxis, and … wait for it … FOOD. If you follow me on Instagram, you know how important food is to me, and you better believe I think this perk is amazing.

No blackout dates or restrictions: Some cards restrict use of their card on certain types of flights or on certain dates (like around the holidays). Not Sapphire Reserve.

Other perks:

Chase Unlimited Rewards®. This is Chase’s premier rewards program, which lets you redeem rewards for travel, experiences, gift cards, cash back, and more.

Unlimited points. There’s no limit to how many points you can earn, and points don’t expire as long as you keep the card open.

1X points per dollar on all other purchases.

Terms and restrictions apply.

A quick note about fees

As I’ve said already, credit card fees are NOT Satan’s spawn, and you don’t need to utter any chants or spells to protect yourself from them.

That said, the $450 fee for the Sapphire Reserve is steeper than most, so it’s worth talking about. If you’re a heavy traveler like me, that’s not a problem, because the rewards you’re racking up will make that fee up in no time. Even if you’re a lighter traveler who only does one vacation per year and flights home for the holidays, you can recoup that fee no problem. Plus, there’s that easy-to-grab $300 travel credit, which effectively lowers the fee to $150 per year.

Still, a fee’s a fee. If you’re not 100% comfortable with a fee that steep, or you’re not sure how much use you’ll get out of it, try the Chase Sapphire Preferred Card (mentioned below). It has some of the same perks as the Reserve, but a much lower yearly fee of $95, which you can waive for the first year.

Places to read about this Sapphire card

You should always do your own research. Here are two places to see what others have said, as well as understand the perks/rewards in great detail.

Chase website: Sapphire Reserve

The Points Guy: In-depth analysis of the card, plus discussion

Other travel credit cards I recommend

I know that this card isn’t for everyone.

That’s why I turned to one of my friends, Chris Guillebeau, to get his other top 3 favorite travel credit card picks.

Chris has traveled to 193 countries (yes, that’s every one of them) and he regularly earns more than one million miles a year, with the majority coming through credit card bonuses and other non-flying activity. One reason he was able to do this is because half of his trips were nearly free — all paid for with miles and points from his rewards credit cards.

Here’s everything you need to know about travel credit cards. If you just want the highlights, keep reading.

1. Chase Sapphire Preferred® Card

First up is the Chase Sapphire Preferred® card, mentioned above.

What Chris loves about this card:

Double points on all dining and travel expenses.

No foreign transaction fees.

You can get the annual fee waived the first year — so it makes signing up a no-brainer.

If you don’t have it already, now’s the time to get started.

2. The Chase Freedom Unlimited (SM)

What Chris loves about this card:

When you spend $500 in the first three months, you instantly get $150 cash back.

No annual fee — ever.

Unlimited 1.5% cash back on all purchases.

3. The Platinum Card® from American Express

What Chris loves about this card:

Even though this card comes with a steep $450 annual fee (that can’t be waived), it comes with a TON of great benefits for heavy travelers, including:

Lounge access in the U.S. and throughout the world.

$200 credit that can be used for airline extras on any carrier.

Reimbursement for your Global Entry application.

No foreign transaction fees on any purchases.

Want more? Here’s everything you need to know about travel credit cards, or head over to Chris’s site, Cards for Travel, for more info on any of these cards and more travel tips.

Other credit cards I recommend

For cash back, I like the Alliant card and Fidelity card.

Should you keep your old credit card?

My recommendation: If you’re looking for a good credit card, apply for this, and if you get accepted, start transitioning your auto-pays to this card and start accumulating miles. You can close your old accounts or keep a small amount autopaying on it.

If you want my favorite credit card

If you’re interested in getting this card, here’s a link to see if you’re approved.

P.S. I have a few special, obscure tools I use with my credit card to optimize the experience. I’ll write about those in the future.

Tomorrow, the best savings account for 2019.

Bonus: Get more exclusive credit card perks

You can now get a full chapter on optimizing your credit cards from my New York Times bestselling book, I Will Teach You To Be Rich, for free.

It’ll help you tap into even more perks, max out your rewards, and beat the credit card companies at their own game.

I want you to have the tools and word-for-word scripts to fight back against the huge credit card companies. To download it free now, enter your name and email below.

Best credit cards for 2019 is a post from: I Will Teach You To Be Rich.

from Finance https://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/best-credit-cards/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[andrewdburton]

Best credit cards for 2019

I’ve shared my favorite personal banking tips with you in the past.

Here’s my pick for the best checking account

Here’s my pick for the best savings account

Today, we’re going to talk about credit cards.

Let’s get to it.

When my book was originally published, I named names. This is why some banks will never, ever partner with me. Oh well!!

My old favorite credit card: Citi PremierPass card

Anyway, in the first chapter on credit cards, I shared the details of my favorite credit card at the time: the Citi PremierPass card. In fact, I had used it as my primary credit card for several years and recommended it to hundreds of thousands of people.

That’s changed now.

Citi tightened up on its credit-card lineup, dropping several of their most compelling rewards. This was highlighted in a devastating column in the New York Times.

Hilariously, Citi actually mailed out a note to cardholders trying to spin the reduction of benefits into something like “exciting new features” — but it was obvious to anyone with a pulse that the most compelling rewards were being removed.

And so I began an exhaustive search for a new credit card. Because I spend a significant amount on my credit card, I expect significant rewards. Also, I consider it a fun game to find the 99.99999th percentile best card in the world.

Today, I’ll share my new favorite credit card. I consider it the best credit card on the market — even better than my old Citi card — and in addition to using it myself, it’s the card I’m recommending to my readers.

First, 6 rules about credit cards

Interest rate doesn’t matter if you don’t carry a balance. The interest rate is irrelevant, as long as you’re paying off your entire balance each month. Don’t keep a balance, please – if you are, stop reading now and read our article on crushing debt to get it down.

Use a rewards card. The vast majority of people should use a rewards card. If you’re already spending money, you should be rewarded for it. Exceptions are people who can’t qualify, who should instead use a secured credit card.

Travel credit cards are better than cash back. Most people would benefit more from travel rewards than from cash back. I describe the details of why travel credit cards are better here. For some reason, people get really mad when I make this recommendation, but I don’t care.

General rewards cards are better than airline-specific cards. Unless you fly a majority of flights on the SAME airline, I prefer a general travel card instead of an airline-specific card (like a United card). For example, I fly JetBlue and Virgin a lot, so I want a travel card that I can redeem on multiple airlines, not just one.

Annual fees are not Satan’s spawn. I know it may be blasphemy to personal finance “experts,” but I’m willing to pay an annual fee for my credit card! OMG! This is why you can call me RTR: Ramit The Rebel. In some cases, there are no-fee versions of the card, so you should always calculate if you spend enough to justify it. Still, $65/year is just not that significant to my financial situation anymore.

I am merciless about using my credit card perks. Credit card benefits can easily be worth $1,000/year. DO THIS.

Bonus: Want even more great advice for money management? Check out my new Free Ultimate Guide to Personal Finance.

What I want from the best credit card

My bottom line is this, the best credit card is the one that gets you the most free flights and free hotels. For example, I want a card that rewards me when I go on vacation, travel for friends’ weddings, or travel between NYC and SF.

Alternatively, I want to upgrade to business class when I travel abroad.

And I don’t want to be nickel-and-dimed for idiotic things like blackout dates, penalties, and fees.

So with that in mind, here is…

The best credit card for 2019

The best credit card for 2019 is the Chase Sapphire Reserve® Credit Card from Chase.

This is the best travel card on the market in 2019. Here��s why:

4 Sapphire Reserve perks that matter most

50,000 point sign-up bonus: Chase Sapphire Reserve gives you 50,000 bonus points for signing up if you spend $4,000 on the card in the first few months. As my friend Brian Kelly from The Points Guy points out, that’s $1,000 in value — meaning if you can commit to that $4,000 spending amount, the $450 yearly fee pays for itself — twice.

$300 annual travel credit: A lot of travel cards offer travel credits — money they just give you back at the end of the year for spending on travel. At $300, Sapphire Reserve’s travel credit is on the high end. Not only that — it applies to any travel purchase, including airlines, hotels, cruise lines, travel agencies, car rentals, even Airbnb and Uber. (You can find a full list of what Chase counts as “travel’ on their FAQ page here.) That makes it super easy to get that $300 credit, and makes the $450 yearly fee even less of a barrier.

3X points on travel AND dining worldwide: Chase gives you 3X the points for money you spend on flights, cruises, hotels, car rentals, trains, taxis, and … wait for it … FOOD. If you follow me on Instagram, you know how important food is to me, and you better believe I think this perk is amazing.

No blackout dates or restrictions: Some cards restrict use of their card on certain types of flights or on certain dates (like around the holidays). Not Sapphire Reserve.

Other perks:

Chase Unlimited Rewards®. This is Chase’s premier rewards program, which lets you redeem rewards for travel, experiences, gift cards, cash back, and more.

Unlimited points. There’s no limit to how many points you can earn, and points don’t expire as long as you keep the card open.

1X points per dollar on all other purchases.

Terms and restrictions apply.

A quick note about fees

As I’ve said already, credit card fees are NOT Satan’s spawn, and you don’t need to utter any chants or spells to protect yourself from them.

That said, the $450 fee for the Sapphire Reserve is steeper than most, so it’s worth talking about. If you’re a heavy traveler like me, that’s not a problem, because the rewards you’re racking up will make that fee up in no time. Even if you’re a lighter traveler who only does one vacation per year and flights home for the holidays, you can recoup that fee no problem. Plus, there’s that easy-to-grab $300 travel credit, which effectively lowers the fee to $150 per year.

Still, a fee’s a fee. If you’re not 100% comfortable with a fee that steep, or you’re not sure how much use you’ll get out of it, try the Chase Sapphire Preferred Card (mentioned below). It has some of the same perks as the Reserve, but a much lower yearly fee of $95, which you can waive for the first year.

Places to read about this Sapphire card

You should always do your own research. Here are two places to see what others have said, as well as understand the perks/rewards in great detail.

Chase website: Sapphire Reserve

The Points Guy: In-depth analysis of the card, plus discussion

Other travel credit cards I recommend

I know that this card isn’t for everyone.

That’s why I turned to one of my friends, Chris Guillebeau, to get his other top 3 favorite travel credit card picks.

Chris has traveled to 193 countries (yes, that’s every one of them) and he regularly earns more than one million miles a year, with the majority coming through credit card bonuses and other non-flying activity. One reason he was able to do this is because half of his trips were nearly free — all paid for with miles and points from his rewards credit cards.

Here’s everything you need to know about travel credit cards. If you just want the highlights, keep reading.

1. Chase Sapphire Preferred® Card

First up is the Chase Sapphire Preferred® card, mentioned above.

What Chris loves about this card:

Double points on all dining and travel expenses.

No foreign transaction fees.

You can get the annual fee waived the first year — so it makes signing up a no-brainer.

If you don’t have it already, now’s the time to get started.

2. The Chase Freedom Unlimited (SM)

What Chris loves about this card:

When you spend $500 in the first three months, you instantly get $150 cash back.

No annual fee — ever.

Unlimited 1.5% cash back on all purchases.

3. The Platinum Card® from American Express

What Chris loves about this card:

Even though this card comes with a steep $450 annual fee (that can’t be waived), it comes with a TON of great benefits for heavy travelers, including:

Lounge access in the U.S. and throughout the world.

$200 credit that can be used for airline extras on any carrier.

Reimbursement for your Global Entry application.

No foreign transaction fees on any purchases.

Want more? Here’s everything you need to know about travel credit cards, or head over to Chris’s site, Cards for Travel, for more info on any of these cards and more travel tips.

Other credit cards I recommend

For cash back, I like the Alliant card and Fidelity card.

Should you keep your old credit card?

My recommendation: If you’re looking for a good credit card, apply for this, and if you get accepted, start transitioning your auto-pays to this card and start accumulating miles. You can close your old accounts or keep a small amount autopaying on it.

If you want my favorite credit card

If you’re interested in getting this card, here’s a link to see if you’re approved.

P.S. I have a few special, obscure tools I use with my credit card to optimize the experience. I’ll write about those in the future.

Tomorrow, the best savings account for 2019.

Bonus: Get more exclusive credit card perks

You can now get a full chapter on optimizing your credit cards from my New York Times bestselling book, I Will Teach You To Be Rich, for free.

It’ll help you tap into even more perks, max out your rewards, and beat the credit card companies at their own game.

I want you to have the tools and word-for-word scripts to fight back against the huge credit card companies. To download it free now, enter your name and email below.

Best credit cards for 2019 is a post from: I Will Teach You To Be Rich.

from Finance https://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/best-credit-cards/ via http://www.rssmix.com/