#a gofundme probably wouldn’t even work but I don’t know what other options I really have yknow

[moonlessbeast]

Considering starting a gofundme or something for top surgery bc I genuinely cannot keep living like this

[arabellaflynn]

For anyone who didn't catch it on other social media, I have finally moved out of the "temporary" apartment I was stuck in for 7 months, thanks to a lot of emotional and logistical support from friends, and a generous amount of financial support from the folks who gave to my GoFundMe. I am endlessly grateful to all of you, and if I weren't so goddamn tired right now I'd be more eloquent in saying so.

I've spent the past few weeks of unpacking and working out the bus routes around my new place trying to figure out how to explain what was so terrible about the last one. Most attempts devolved into page upon page of rage, which is not really what I want to be doing here. On the other hand, I also don't want to downplay how bad it was. 

Spoiler: The temp apartment was Very Very Bad.

The tl;dr is that I was offered someone's spare room on the condition that I help out a little extra with household chores and caring for their rats, because the pet owning roommate had recently had back surgery and was still mobility-impaired. What actually happened is that as soon as they realized I had any basic life skills whatsofuckingever, I was cornered into becoming the 24/7 on-call House Adult. I would have gone on strike, but the other two people in the apartment were so terrible at coping with absolutely any aspect of being alive that if I had, one or both of them would probably be dead now.

That is not hyperbole. I sat back at one point and realized that I had talked to 911 dispatch five times in the preceding four months. None of those calls were for me. To be clear, I ain't mad about other people having medical problems. All five of those calls were appropriate and necessary uses of emergency services. I just resent the hell out of being the default option for handling all of it, even though none of the medical emergency problems were mine, and there were other people in the house. Literally, Short Roommate had a catastrophic asthma attack one night, and when she was wheezing too hard to talk she passed the phone to Tall Roommate -- who immediately ran to the other end of the apartment, banged on my door, and handed the phone to me. It got to the point where I just told the operator what was up, went downstairs to unlock the door for EMS, stood in the corner answering the occasional question until they hauled someone off to the hospital, and then went right back to bed, because none of this was my problem. And that's just the 911 calls, not even counting the number of times I had to talk her down out of a dissociative episode, or any of the other shit I was not warned about and did not volunteer to do. They wore me down until my only response to "a fellow human can't breathe" is "fuck's sake, why am I even involved here".

They both needed a lot more, and a lot more professional, help than they could possibly have gotten out of a random civilian roommate. They both fought tooth and nail against actually getting any of it. Every time Short Roommate was dragged to the hospital, her discharge papers included a big fat packet full of social services, resources, and business cards for actual physical people to phone. I know this because whenever I cleaned the apartment, I found them on the fucking floor, whereupon I placed them on her fucking keyboard, and told her point-blank to call these people. As far as I know, she never did.

I am neither qualified nor equipped to be a live-in caregiver for anybody. There is a fucking reason I have never wanted children. I keep critters because if you give them food, water, toys, and boxes to sleep in, you can leave them to entertain themselves for hours while you work or sleep, and no one will arrest you.

There was a bunch of other stuff. Tall Roommate rarely if ever cleaned anything, including herself, unless directly ordered to do so and given a detailed list of instructions of what you meant by "clean". I only ever got her to wash her own damn dishes once, and I did it by messaging her from the other room 'I just found a mouse in the sink eating snacks off your dirty plates GO DO YOUR DISHES'. She had a laundry list of problems, but the relevant one here is that she was high-support-needs autistic with no support and zero inclination to find any. 

[Did I mention the mice? We had mice. All over. The rats murdered two of them when they got into the cages, looking for the free-feed bowl.]

Short Roommate clearly loved her rats but didn't actually do any of the rat care beyond petting and playing. One of them was tremendously sick at one point and needed meds q6h. She was supposed to be helping with that and didn't, which meant that I went several weeks on a maximum of six hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. I tore the fuck into her for that one, pointing out in exactly so many words that some of these meds were painkillers and if the rat didn't get them on time HE SUFFERS. Not doing any of the grunt work, Short Roommate evidently thought rats were so easy she should just keep getting more of them! She rescued two, one of whom was preggo, kept several of the babies, and started talking about waiting for one of the girls to grow up so she could breed him with one of her younger boys. 

Gentle Reader, I promise you the only reason I did not strangle her in her sleep that very night was that I knew, deep in my heart, that I could not move the body down two flights of stairs by myself, and if I left it up to Tall Roommate, the corpse would still be in the apartment today.

If I were inclined to any sympathy, it would have died when Short Roommate moved out to shack up with New Boyfriend and New Boyfriend's Mother. She initially took all the rats with her, which made them officially not my problem anymore, but I woke up one morning to a message that said something like "[New Boyfriend's Mother] says that if I show up to our new place with the rats she's not going to let me in, [Tall Roommate] is coming back with all the rats and everything they own". I found out later that this was because their new place was in section 8 housing, where you are not allowed to have pets that aren't service or support animals. Which Short Roommate had known the entire time, and just... made no plans for. At all. Unless "ignore everything until bitchslapped by reality, then panic and make unreasonable demands of other people" counts, I guess.

Eight rats. She dumped eight rats on me. Eight. I wound up taking care of them all without help; Tall Roommate was incapable of keeping anything in her habitat clean, including herself, and I wasn't willing to let her neglect animals. I was actually down to one rat of my own, having lost my two venerable old men, and was looking for a new friend or two for Tseng. Which I had to stop doing, because nine fucking rats is a lot of rats, and I couldn't in good conscience bring Rats nos. 10 & 11 into this shitshow. Naturally, none of the rats got along; two pairs of boys had to be kept apart, and both of them tried to pick fights with poor Tseng, and four of them were girls that had to be kept away from all of the boys for obvious reasons. It was exhausting and a catastrophe.

Once I had the rats she apparently made no further effort to re-home them, although she did keep telling Tall Roommate to come knock on my door and take pictures of them. (I put a stop to this. Tall Roommate did it because Short Roommate had broken up with her to shack up with New Boyfriend, and Tall Roommate had literally no way to cope with this other than try desperately to get her back.) I bugged her to do something about this until, predictably, I had to contact the local rat rescue people to find fosters less than a week before my moving crew was scheduled. When I told her, she replied "oh, I was just about to submit that". Sure you were. And while you're here, I have this nice bridge to sell you.

[The four girls and two youngest boys went to Mainely Rat Rescue. It looks like the boys have already found a home, but the girls are up for adoption. I kept the two old men, who both have special care needs; Garion has breathing problems that involve his own asthma inhaler and a steady diet of NSAIDs, and Errand has attitude problems that involve picking fights with any rat who isn't Garion. They're both just shy of three(!) and unlikely to find homes through a foster program, plus I'm already their third caretaker, so I couldn't send them off with a stranger. They are currently sulking because I wouldn't supplement their dinner with all of my dinner -- which is to say, they're fine.]

The point is, my brain just about died off. The only time in that apartment that I didn't spend cleaning up after three grown adults, two of whom weren't even me, were the weeks after Short Roommate moved out to shack up with New Boyfriend, which she had broken up with Tall Roommate to do, and Tall Roommate took it so badly she ended up inpatient before she ate a bottle of Tylenol. (I called 911 when I overheard her plans. It was about 50% "a fellow human is in need of help" and 50% "argh jesus fuck THIS IS NOT MY JOB please go talk to someone who is actually paid to deal with this".) I am slowly clawing my way back to the surface, so if you'll just bear with me, I'll be back on Twitch this Sunday 3-7 Eastern, and type out more things that have been on hold while I tried to retain at least some of my marbles.

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[lil-outsider]

Michael Sheen is a literal angel, y’all.

Let me tell y’all a story...

First, you need to know a little bit about my year so far. In the year of our Lord, Twenty-Nine-Sheen, well, my life has really spiraled. I’m a grad student at the University of Texas at Austin in the MA in Media Studies program, and I fully intended on graduating this past May. Unfortunately, in January, mere days before the Spring semester that I was registered and ready to go for would begin, I found out that I had to have surgery. I moved all my coursework online to address the problem. Well, financial problems caused by insurance issues left that process in paperwork hell until May, and, simultaneously, my grandmother fell ill in February, and we soon learned that she had quick-onset dementia. She also became incontinent during this time. Very rapidly, she went from somewhat independent to needing care 24/7. I became her new caregiver. My schoolwork got pushed back... Well, I kept working on it, but email communication often failed me and I found myself hoping I could go back to Austin, but nothing was slowing down. In fact, things started building up. My dad started working more, and I had less time to go to my undergraduate school here at home, Texas A&M University-Texarkana, and get work done. I knew I wouldn’t graduate in May, but my dad and I had pooled our money together to pay for one more semester. We chose the summer session because it was cheaper, and we were sure that, if I was given the freedom to work, I could get things done on time.  My dad started working even more--3 people were fired from his job at the water treatment drinking water plant here in Texarkana. He was working every single day. I was trying to find any second to show up at school, and I was also very, very exhausted. 

In a particularly heavy moment of stress and impending due dates that I couldn’t foresee making, I tweeted Michael Sheen with a funny picture of my cat and some icons @Kiyye had created, and I wrote a little note about how he made me smile in these dark times. 

Now, this message definitely uplifted my spirits. My best friend, @vacationingatthepond, randomly checked Twitter while we were on the phone together, getting ready to watch Masters of Sex, and found out the news. We were both ecstatic, as she is mentioned in the original post, too. Like everyone else in this fandom, we’ve been connecting over Michael Sheen content since Good Omens, so we’ve made a nightly ritual of gushing about Michael and watching his movies/shows. We connect over this since we’re hundreds of miles apart and we miss each other a lot. When we watched Bright Young Things, I even found my chosen middle name in Michael’s character. My love for him is real, and this little note made me feel loved, too.  Well, last night, my grandmother had a bad night, so I stayed up and decided that I would make a GoFundMe page to try and earn money to pay for the Fall semester at UT-Austin. It was getting dire. Tens of thousands of dollars of loans in, and I was about to have to quit because I couldn’t pay for one more course and I hadn’t applied for FAFSA because I intended on graduating in May. I also went ahead and applied for FAFSA, but this option was really daunting, considering it would triple the cost of school AND the coursework--to get loans, you must be full-time. While I need 3 hours to graduate, I’d need 9 to meet grad school full-time status... The GoFundMe page was a last-ditch effort to secure my spot in school, and remains an effort to get me back to Austin where I can work in-person with my advisor. 

Here is the link to the gofundme, if you would like to donate or signal boost:

https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-rein-graduate-utaustin-grad-school&rcid=r01-15656318453-90964e8dfd13406f&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w

I tweeted it to Michael, along with a thank you for his sweet words to my grandmother and I. I simply requested he signal boost my GoFundMe page. Instead, y’all, he donated the entire amount. And he told nobody. He just left it there for me to find. When I came back from changing my grandmother’s diaper this morning, I had a notification from a facebook message that a friend sent that read, “You probably still don’t realize what has happened.” I had sent her a link to the page only 30 minutes before. Within 30 minutes, Michael Sheen single-handedly reached my goal of $3000 and saved my academic career. I’ve only got a little work left on my project. I will graduate now. I cannot even fully process it.  Kudos to @neil-gaiman for recognizing that Michael Sheen is actually an angel here on earth. 

He told nobody about this. He kept this entirely to himself and the small group of people I have circulated this to. He didn’t share my post or anything--he did something better; again, he just single-handedly saved my academic career. It was instant stress relief. This has been the heaviest year of my life, and he’s made it better. He’s obviously invited to my graduation! Hook ‘em!  For those that are interested, my Master’s Report will be available to the public. Here is a description I wrote for the last GoFundMe update:  “The project is designed to be accessible to academics and non-academics alike. I have chosen Prezi as the format for 3 reasons: 1. Talking about asexual Daryl Dixon is a fun topic for academics, fans, and queer folx alike; 2.  Prezi is a free, accessible service, meaning there are no gates of publication in the way of accessibility; and 3. Prezi allows academic discussion and artistic expression to co-exist for the purpose of the argument/story you want to tell. This particular presentation, "Why a 'Somewhat Asexual' Daryl Dixon is Not Enough: The Importance of Labels in Queer Media" is a particularly meaningful discussion I want to put out into the world--it is dedicated to one of my closest friends, who feels as though non-negative media representations of asexuality are few and far between. Now is the time to talk about asexuality, not as an absence, but as an equally whole and wonderful experience of existence--and a valuable piece of our society.” 

@vacationingatthepond, @everybodyownsascar, and I have been miles and miles apart, and we’re all connected daily through our love of Michael Sheen. We’ve jokingly termed the year, “Twenty-Nine-Sheen,” but he really did make my year today. Thank you, Michael. 

[rhythmic-idealist]

Hey! Want a oneshot from yours truly?

Fandoms!:

Homestuck (but not very comfortable writing for Hiveswap/Friendsim characters)

particularly, but not exclusively, the:

dancestors

& ancestors!

Harry Potter

Avatar: The Last Airbender

Lego Ninjago: Masters of Spinjitzu (if you can abide me being behind several seasons)

I am definitely willing to try my hand at writing for The Raven Cycle but am in the middle of The Dream Thieves currently, so. I think I have a really good grasp on most of the major cast who has appeared, for where I AM so far.

I can include OCs, just gimme a little time to learn them! Self-shipping very okay.

I’m gonna reserve the right to refuse any request, so if you don’t want to change it after your donation/will feel robbed if you need to change it but have already made a donation, hit me up to ask about it first? My ask box and messages are both open.

The Deal:

I haven’t opened up requests for a decent while, but I will for a donation. [TW: unsanitary conditions, serious illness, pet death, cancer mention.] My friend and his mother are trying desperately to escape their current home before it kills them and any more of their pets, and to escape a landlord who will do nothing for them.

Donation link again : https://www.gofundme.com/f/1uhtqxx5g0

[Mind the TWs above again if you’re going to read the full story through the link, but you don’t have to read it to donate. The only that applies if you don’t read through is the unsanitary tw, there’s a photo of a moldy ceiling.]

I’m gonna say $5 minimum before you land a oneshot.

Word counts for these commissions will probably fall around 800 word minimums, though they can get a lot longer if I really pick up steam on something! Here’s an 1800ish prompted thing I wrote (starting at “Hey. Heyyy, friend. You don’t need this.”) (major character death warning!) as an example of a past request! There are more writing samples down below.

Okay So Rules

I will only write SFW material.

There are writing samples below, go ahead and check those out if you wanna.

I reserve the right to refuse or request to modify any commission request, and a request to modify (that’s what’s likely to happen if I have a problem) isn’t me turning you away! That said, if you’re going to want to make sure you feel secure paying, you can chat story details with me before making the donation.

Show me your emailed GoFundMe receipt, or if you prefer, I can give you some identifying thing to put in the comments of the fundraiser for proof that you’ve made your donation!

$5 minimum, no maximum.

5 donations of $5 made by the same person would for right now get counted as one $25 donation, and one oneshot. I appreciate that endlessly, and would probably try extra hard on your piece.

Once we start getting past 30, every additional $10 can be another commission, to a point. I’ll limit it to 3 slots per person for now I think? I need to see what my workload is. So $5-$39 is one story, $40-49 is two stories, $50+ is three. Thank you so much if you’re even considering that, by the way. I really, really need my friend to be safe and it means the world to me. I will work hard on it/them.

If you send me any kind of explicitly sexual content in your request, even if you have already made your donation, I will refuse service. If you are a white supremacist (I cannot believe I need to say this), I will refuse service.

Want something bigger, multichapter, etc? Let’s talk. I make no promises, but definitely let’s see.

I am willing to offer beta reading, proofreading, or even feedback on school essays, instead!

SFW and all other conditions still apply.

Here are the writing samples! (Want a sample for another character? Just ask!)

[Signless + OC; Major character death warning.]

“Hey. Heyyy, friend. You don’t need this.”

[The Signless’s] bloodpusher was pounding in his ears. It’s a miracle he heard them.

And that, that realization, is enough to entirely off-balance him, to snap him out of it enough with the sheer what-the-fuckery of this situation because this does not happen, to him.

So the picture in front of him forms in vague images and blurs, features popping out one at a time from a general, bleeding-together backdrop he’d stopped reading as a landscape, hyperfocused in on something else he’d already forgotten. Porrim is on the ground, bleeding. This has happened before, and she always gets up, he’s not sure what the problem is.

[More Signless! TWs in the tags on AO3.]

I cannot ask you for your life, because neither of us owns it.

I can ask you to recognize the conscious choice you make to live, knowing trolls like you are not given that option. I can ask you to stop pretending, here and now, to deserve any more safety and wellbeing than any other troll on or off Alternia. I am asking you to make a conscious decision whose life yours will lift up, because whether you like it or not you will hurt and you will lift up someone. Choose someone who did not use you. Choose someone with less safety and less freedom if you can find them and if you cannot, try anyway, they’re out there.

Choose to refuse to be useful, and to instead be kind.

[Some Hermione Granger - you all are lucky! I haven’t published this ANYWHERE yet!]

[In part because I got halfway through and realized there were canon obstacles to it happening, but it’s an AU, now.]

So she does what Hermione always does. If you're going to play their game, you need to learn their rules.

Hermione is good at rules.

The hair stays. It's the first thing Ron asks, once he sees her in battle mode. First-first, he says anyone would be stupid not to take her, that the Ministry should be groveling on their knees for Hermione Jean Granger, "what did you get on your N.E.W.T.s again?" Not because Hermione doesn't know this is true, but because it's good for her to hear anyway, and mostly because Ron wouldn't think for a second to let her start to doubt it.

But he doesn't need to ask if she's going back. Just if the hair stays. She's already done so much, she's got to be good enough for them already, it's the Ministry, Hermione, not Victor Bleeding Krum.

[porchwood]

Okay, here goes. The incredible @everlarkedalways created a GoFundMe to help me out through present circumstances, but before I share that link, I wanted to explain a bit of what’s been going on. I feel awful accepting financial help, in part because I’ve been such a dry well for the past 18 months (I have nothing creative to give back/say “thank you” with) and also because so many of you have previously contributed monies to help me through other crisis points over the past five years (yes, it’s been that long and no, it doesn’t seem to be getting any better). But things are maybe the most desperate they’ve ever been and I really can’t say no to badly needed help.

Because I’m long-winded, I’m going to try to condense this into a simple chronological order. Things have been relentlessly bad since my car accident on December 26, 2013, but this is where the current run really started: 

December 2017: The day after Christmas, I went to the ER at 3am with excruciating chest and upper back pain, a bad experience all around (terrible staff, indifferent care). Their best guess was that I’d had an acid reflux attack, something I’d never had before (but have had since, alas :/).

January 2018: The ER bill saga began, and after loads of paperwork/headaches applying for any kind of aid/bill forgiveness, they put me on a payment plan for the $1,343 balance (and yes, that was "after” insurance - Marketplace policies are crap and all they did was “adjust” the total; nothing was covered). Meanwhile, I started taking Lucky to an acupuncturist over an hour’s drive away, desperate to find something to ease her severe separation anxiety (nonstop barking and howling when I was gone, which we have been struggling to treat, with varying degrees of success, for over two years). The sessions were very expensive (around $400 for one month - I had to put them on a credit card that I’m still chipping away at) and actually made her WORSE.

February 2018: The downstairs neighbors left a mildly threatening note about Lucky’s howling - the day before my birthday. In a ridiculous twist of luck, I managed to find a great sitter who only takes little dogs and was (and still is) able to watch Lucky for me as needed, but it cost me $25/day. (At most I would use her two days a week, but you can see how quickly that would add up.) At the same time, I also started administering CBD drops (suggested by our new vet) to Lucks when I had to leave her at home.

July 2018: After increasing the dosage multiple times, I finally started seeing improvement in Lucky’s behavior from a combination of the CBD drops and SAMe, which was huge (note the timespan), but these therapies cost about $100 month. I resolved to make it work somehow.

September 2018: I found out that my workplace had been bought out by an area salon and would be changing hands soon. Shortly thereafter the new owner sent us the employee handbook, which stated that we could not have another job in the same field (many massage therapists in this part of the country work at multiple places as there simply isn’t enough work to go around, especially in the off-season). The new owner was originally okay with me keeping my second job (on-call work at a yoga studio), and then I learned that that position was switching from a subcontractor to an outright rental (I would have to pay up front for the use of the room and possibly make none of it back while having to promote myself as a business), so for several reasons I decided I would leave that second job at the end of October and try to pick up more hours at my “main” job. One bright spot in all this: the downstairs neighbors moved out at the end of the month, but...

October 2018: ...the day after the neighbors moved out, the landlord informed my roommate (a THG fandom friend and content creator) that the owner of our building had sold the property and that we had 30 days to vacate. I can’t even begin to articulate how stressful, expensive, frightening, and exhausting that time was. By the end of October our only real option was a little house approximately 10 miles from town, and miraculously we got ourselves moved out there - to the tune of lots of $$$ and insane energy expenditure.

November 2018: Because I now lived about 20 mins from work and I have to come home at lunchtime to take Lucky out (and give her a booster of anxiety drops), I had to switch to split shifts. If you’ve ever worked split shifts, you will understand why this sucks (you’re never home, you’re always tired, and you never see or spend time with the people you live with). My new boss put me on the schedule for two additional days a week (I initially had just two days a week, period, hence the second job), which initially seemed very promising, but neither myself nor the rest of the staff realized that the new management had an either/or policy when it comes to pay. (This is messy and frustrating to explain, but in a nutshell: instead of getting paid commission for massages and hourly for the rest of your clocked-in time - laundry, desk help, etc - you get paid ONLY commission, i.e., nothing for all the extra things you do, unless the commission divided by hours amounts to less than minimum wage, in which case they pay you minimum wage for the week instead, including for your massage hours. Which is not cool but is, apparently, legal.) So I was driving about an hour a day (20 mins each way, twice, to the tune of about 300 miles/week) just to make minimum wage (we were entering the dead season for massage and I’m the perpetual “second string” therapist anyway, so some weeks I had just four clients in four days :/), which was exhausting and disheartening.

December 2018: Daylight glimmered: my sister (with whom I am extremely close and who I hadn’t seen in a year and a half) flew out to see me after Christmas. A coworker agreed to cover the whole week and a half of her visit for me, and I was a little nervous about taking the time off (unpaid, of course) at such a rotten financial time, but I hadn’t had a vacation of any kind since moving to Maine nor a weekend off since August of 2017. I resolved to be extra frugal during her visit and my work schedule was going to be almost full after she left, so I was pretty sure I could squeak through somehow.

I saw her off on her return trip, and that night I was carrying some dishes down from our living room when I took a very bad fall down the stairs. These are awful, steep “Maine stairs,” and in my fall my left leg shot out through the open side of the staircase and wedged the knee against the bookcase in the dining room below. When I tried to get up I realized that something was very wrong with my knee, and my roommate helped me to bed with ice, a brace, ibuprofen, etc. The following morning I went to the hospital and was directed to the same stupid ER (the last place I ever wanted to go again, but they don’t have urgent care out here and wouldn’t let me just see a GP, so I broke down and cried in admissions). The care I received was middling, if not as bad as on my previous visit, and the nurse-practitioner ordered no weight-bearing for three days, which meant losing the rest of that (desperately needed) work week, and advised following up with orthopedics the next week if the knee wasn’t better.

My wonderful roommate made all kinds of accommodations for my comfort for those three days, and I implemented all the extra therapies I could think of (turmeric, arnica, l-glutamine, Epsom salt soaks, etc). I asked my employers about the possibility of picking up non-massage hours (covering the desk, laundry, etc) but was given the impression that there was nothing for me to do till I could return to massage again. I went to the orthopedic doctor last Thursday and his diagnosis was an MCL (least concerning of the knee ligaments) sprain or tear. I was already strides ahead on his self-care recommendations (getting myself off the crutches, constantly wearing a good brace) and he was supposed to refer me for some PT, but I haven’t heard a peep on that front, and I’m not particularly concerned because, Lord knows, my insurance probably wouldn’t pay for that anyway. He estimated 4 weeks to full recovery but I’m determined to get back to work before that.

So, here’s where we’re at: I’m out of work at the worst time of year, and at the very least, I’ll lose 2.5 weeks of pay (on top of the planned week I took off, plus Christmas and New Year’s were unpaid holidays). Because we live in Maine where everyone has beastly heating fuel, even in a decently insulated house (as I believe this one to be), it costs us around $350 a month to keep the place at 58 degrees through the winter months. (Yes, 58 degrees. 60 if we’re splurging.)

My credit cards are maxed out from car repairs and copious Lucky expenses (including an emergency vet visit - she ended up being fine but it was one of those things that happens after hours/over a weekend and you really shouldn’t wait several days to have checked out).

Oh, and just for fun, our January rent payment got lost in the mail. The landlord was very nice about it and we promptly sent out a replacement, but this meant paying $35 for a stop-payment on the missing check (did I mention that I had to buy checks, to the tune of almost $30, just for paying rent?).

Those of you who have already donated: you are quite literally keeping me going right now. You covered Lucky’s rabies booster yesterday and refills of her food and supplements (all of which, naturally, were running out at the same time), and Lucky is absolutely the reason I’m still alive, so her care honestly means more to me than my own.

I have no idea what my medical bills will look like at this point. I’m assuming the ER visit will be around $1000, and I’m sure the orthopedic visit will be up there somewhere too. As soon as bills start coming in I’ll apply for aid (or, likelier than not, a payment plan), but in order to do that they’re going to want my new tax returns, which means I’m going to have to get my taxes done (probably in Feb) just to find out what my ultimate medical expenses will be. (I used to do my own taxes cheaply through TaxAct, but I was a subcontractor for part of the year, which complicates things and means having to pay someone $$$ to do them this round. I may actually owe on my taxes this year, which is terrifying.)

The healing has been going well overall and I’m hoping to be able to go back to work next week, but I don’t want to assume my knee will oblige. To add insult to injury, I just got hammered with a terrible cold (the kind that levels you in bed), so my body is triaging itself and I’m not sure which is going to get the care first. Surprisingly enough, Lucky’s being a great little nurse, but recovery is a difficult and very lonely process, especially when you get saddled with illness on top of injury.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. I’ve been reluctant to talk about the miserable past year, but in light of the fact that I’m receiving (and, I guess, asking for :/ ) help, I thought you should know what’s been going on. Thanks for listening and blessings on your day. <3

[integrationslady]

FMLS90 Week 6 Day 7 11/17

What would you do if money was not a barrier?

So I’m gonna take a minute here to plug @bitchesgetriches​. If you have literally any money related questions AT ALL, check out their blog and their site. They are awesome and helpful and smart and super easy to understand.

Why did I bring them up when I’m supposed to be talking about what I’d do with, essentially, unlimited money? It’s because of their Dollar Bill Game. Parts one and two are definitely worth a read, but the summary is that very few people can really comprehend money being no barrier. You try to answer it and you get stuck because you can’t actually comprehend what it would cost to do the things you’ve already listed or what else there is. But it’s pretty easy to answer the question what would you do with a little bit more.

So instead, they ask a series of questions starting with: What would you do if someone handed you a single dollar bill with no strings attached? The amount gets larger as you go, so by the end you’re basically answering the question “what would you do with unlimited funds”. In part two they talk about what your answers might mean, which is super insightful.

I’ve played the Dollar Bill Game in my head a few times while walking the dog or taking a shower, but I’m going to take this opportunity to go full boar and actually answer the whole thing (under the cut, it’s really long!).

If someone handed you a single dollar bill, right now, with no strings attached—what would you do with it?

Officially, it would be turned into quarters for pool the next time my friends and I are at the bar. In reality it would just be stuck in my wallet with no specific purpose, but a lot of those dollars end up turned into quarters for pool anyway.

What if it were a ten dollar bill?

This one’s easy - one extra lunch out one week. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I hate packing lunch. I know it’s healthier, but 90% of the reason I make myself do it is actually on the financial side, so if I had just a tiny bit extra I’d absolutely use it there.

What if it were a one hundred dollar bill?

There just so happens to be $100 worth of Sephora that I really want. Whether it went there or like Scentsy or I spent it on better ski gloves than I have would depend on the timing, but there’s almost always something I want that I can probably afford but just can’t quite justify spending THAT much on when there are cheaper alternatives that are nearly as good. Sometimes I eventually buy those things anyway, so it’s easy to imagine that I’d throw this at it. Of course in reality I’d probably just end up sticking it in my wallet/the bank and rolling it into whatever else I was buying, maybe the “thing” maybe not. But if the person said “here’s $100 and I’m going to watch you spend it on something you normally wouldn’t buy”, there’d be a place for it.

What if it were one thousand dollars?

This would be split into four, maybe five, sections, maybe equal maybe not. First, some of it would go to my parents. I owe them money from a time in my life when they helped financially, like more than I’ll ever be able to repay. They’re OK with that as long as I continue to try, but tossing a little extra that way is never a bad idea. Second, some of it, maybe not much but some, would go into savings. Third, I’d want to use some of it to help someone, donate to someone’s Kickstarter or GoFundMe or whatever. Fourth, there are some things that I want for my apartment - a large ottoman, hidden litter boxes, and a kitchen island most notably. These are things I’m going to get anyway at some point, but with my current funds i need to save and/or hunt for bargains. With an extra $1000, I’d pick at least one of these things and just buy the one I want instead of worrying too much about whether it’s the best deal. And, maybe, fifth, something fun, like whatever I’d spend the $100 on.

What if it were ten thousand dollars?

Same as above, but on a larger scale, and also throw in a sixth - make some extra payments on my student loans. The super financially responsible thing to do would probably be to put it all toward student loans. But the thing about that is, $10K just wouldn’t make much dent in my loans. I mean it would, but it wouldn’t make any dent I noticed for quite a few years, so irresponsible or not I’d want to at least a little something I noticed right away. 

What if it were one hundred thousand dollars?

This would pay off my student loans and my one measly credit card with at least a couple thousand to spare, so I’d do that. That would give me extra money each month to do the above on a smaller scale, but for longer.

What if it were one million dollars?

With this much I could pay off all of my debt, all of my parents’ debt, most if not all of my sister’s debt, and probably still have enough to buy myself a house, or at least put a down payment on one. I talked the other day about how I’m not entirely sure I’d want that anyway, but since $1MM is not enough to get me to quit my job (especially after I pay off an entire family’s debt!) if I could get rid of my other bills the task of maintaining a house seems less daunting, mostly because I could pay people to take care of nearly everything for me. 

What if it were ten million dollars?

See, this is where it gets hard for me. I can do everything I want with one million, why do I need ten? With that much I’d definitely outright buy a house and hire a maid and groundskeeper and probably keep a handyman on retainer. I’d donate a lot of it - animal shelters and women’s shelters and GoFundMes and whatever else I could find. And it’d be really fun to take my friends on a vacation where they didn’t have to pay for anything. I even know where we’d go - Monterey California. I’ve been there once and I love it, and it’s close to Pebble Beach Golf Course which I don’t care about, but a lot of my friends do. This is something I’d think about trying to organize anyway, except a round of golf there costs like $400 and most of us get upset paying $17 for twilight golf here on a Tuesday evening, so even if we went there no one would golf. At $10MM I *might* quit working, but honestly I love my job and care about the company, I might stick it out a while longer. I would definitely exercise my stock options, though, something I feel like I may never be able to do currently. I’d probably offer to do the same for some of my friends/coworkers.

What if it were one hundred million dollars?

I feel like the next two are just gonna be “the last one but on a larger scale”. Donate more, definitely buy a house (and hire people to take care of it whenever necessary), help out my friends, definitely exercise like all the stock options, pay off debt for my entire family and maybe some of my friends... I still don’t know if I’d full on quit working, but maybe cut back to part time or take a leave of absence an travel some. Rescue so many cats and dogs. In fact at this point I’d maybe even quit my current job (after the stock thing, obvs) and buy a bunch of land to run a dog sanctuary, maybe some neighboring land for a cat rescue?

What if it were one billion dollars?

All of the above. Plus, and maybe I’d do this at $10MM but definitely here, maybe start some businesses around town that we’re lacking. Something to do other than just go to the bar, like mini golf or like a family fun center type place. A bigger better movie theater, maybe an actual sports bar to watch games. I think our town is too small for more than one or two businesses like that to be profitable enough for someone to make their living there, but it’s not like they wouldn’t be used at all. They’d be nice to have around, but I think they could only stay if the profit didn’t matter much.

[likeabulletyoucanhurtme]

The 100 (questions that is....not band or TV show)

1. If you were on a 2 hour road trip and could only listen to one song on repeat until the trip was over what song would it be? idk it would depend. Could be Neck Deep - In Bloom but also if you go with Dream Theater - A Change Of Seasons thats only like 4 plays :) 2. If heaven or hell didn’t exist and wasn’t a reward would you still make an effort in being a good person? Atheists believe in good. 3. What’s your poison? Vices etc. JD 4. What’s your favorite thing about your hometown? the football team lol.

5. Are you a better friend to your friends than they are to you? It's a mutual thing that we don't really talk lol. I'm a horrible friend to most people but one did say I was angel, which was a compliment cause she’s religious even though I’m not

6. Have you ever ran a red light? I can't drive, but I ignore traffic signs when walking. They're more of a suggestion than a rule especially in Glasgow.

7. Who is the most influential person in your life? I influence myself; fuck all y'all.

8. Give me a hot take. What’s the unpopular opinion you stand by? Love Island is pish

9. What would the ten year old you think about you now? 10yr old me wanted to be an astronaught so idk lol probably disappointed

10. What’s your favorite city to visit/live in? Town lol I don't do visits

11. Tell me the story of your first kiss. She asked me out and I was kinda dithering but then just as she was walking away I shouted yes at her like a fucking lunatic and she turned around like "....oh." Then we snogged :P

12. What was your yearbook quote (if you didn’t have one what would it be)? The romans didnt invent a great civilisations by having meetings. They did it by killing all those who opposed them.

13. What’s a non-sexual turn on for you? Millie's Cookies <33333

14. Who’s your favorite non-animated movie character? The wee old dear from Last Train To Busan <3

15. You fall into $10K and you have to spend it on yourself and not bills, what do you buy? Gig tickets, alcohol and stuff off my list

16. Have you picked names for your children yet? one

17. Do you have any talents? I'm very good at singing badly

18. Which would you prefer: Netflix and Chill or iTunes and Chill? Netflix or iTunes themselves. I ain't got no chill. And no-ones interrupting me if I'm listening to music/watching something

19. Fill in the blank: I want to ____ your _____. _hug_, _soul_

20. Is once a cheater always a cheater true? idk people can change but I'd say the relationship is forever ruined. Someone that cheated on me might not cheat again, but I wouldn't trust them anymore.

21. In one word, What was the reason your last relationship failed? complacency

22. What’s something therapeutic you do when you’re stressed? listen to music

23. What was your favorite non-Pixar Disney Film? Big Hero 6

24.  Ruin a first date in 5 words or less. "I like country music" :P

25. Drums or Flats? I thought this was about music or highheels but google says its about chicken. And I prefer boneless!

26. Do you remember your last dream? What about? No idea, I don't remember them much I'm just greatful for whatever sleep I can get.

27. Do you want your kids to go to church, synagogue, temple, mosque? why? Never! I don't want to fill their heads with nonsense and a life of trying to conform to outdated arbitrary rules just so they have a good afterlife.

28. If Gerard Butler, Russell Crowe, and Liam Neeson get into a bar brawl who wins? The press?

29. Looking back would you have lost your virginity sooner than you did or later? Sooner. The lateness was not for lack of trying

30. Do you have a favorite book? Not really but it used to be either Reaper Man or The Hitch-hikers Guide To The Galaxy

31. Fuck Marry Kill? Do I get to pick my own??????? Fuck - "Main Course" Marry - hahahaha no Kill - your hopes and dreams

32. Is college worth it? Why? Yes because its good to know things and worth it to get a better job so you're not working beside me :)

33. Favorite Cartoon growing up. idk I can't really remember what I watched.

34. What’s your favorite social media besides tumblr? I'm on Facebook more but that's just to play games mostly

35. Does your first crush still look good? I don't talk to her anymore but her pictures aren't too bad

36. Do you think starting a gofundme is begging or helpful? Depends on the reason, like I've seen one just for a sesh which is fucking stupid, but like Americans do them for medical bills or some legit reasons.

37. Sesame Street or Barney? Sesame Street! Cookie Monster<3

38. What you’re favorite R&B Album of all time? I hate them all.

39. What movie(s) do you know all the lines to by heart? I can quote bits of films but probably not the whole film

40. Would you date someone you met on here? idk like I prefer this as a more anonymous space to share things and rant about people who actually know me. If I'm doing this right no-one I meet on here should figure out who I am :) But yes I'd date y'all cause you're all wonderful peoples

41. Would you rather be too hot or too cold? Too cold, it's Scotland you know?

42. Would you date yourself? I dont think I could put up with my own shit. And if it was like really my personality in a female form we'd be far too fucking shy to speak to each other.

43. Apple or Android? Android, Apple is a cult

44. What is the first song that you can remember learning the lyrics to? Daydream Believer for my aunties wedding

45. What are 3 of your favorite Michael Jackson songs? I genuinely do not like any of them but Alien Ant Farm covered Smooth Criminal if that counts?

46. Fill in the blanks: it’s not cheating if ___ ____ ____. you haven't actually kissed or slept with the other person and you're only sharing inappropriate messages on facebook and they've already said they're not a homewrecker... sorry, too specific?

47. Could you put your dreams on hold to support your bf/gf pursuing theirs? my dreams have been crushed so it would depend on what theirs were

48. What’s is the title to your autobiography? The Life And Times Of A Fucknut

49. Is there someone you’re trying not to call or text right now? YES! SO MUCH. I want to message her all the time but she hasn't messaged me and i dont want to appear desperate even though I am so I'm not gonna message first although I check every 5mins if shes messaged me

50. What is your favorite emoji or emoji combination? :P or ;)

51. Do you have any deal breakers in relationships? cheating lol.

52. Are you Tre or Doughboy? I had no idea so I googled it and Wikipedia says "Tre is highly intelligent but has a volatile temper and lacks respect" which is so me :) Idk who doughboy is lol

53. Favorite movie? Don't really have one tbh. I have too many I want to watch to bother re-watching something i've seen.

54. How long do you talk to someone before you expect a relationship? when you talk to someone its the start of a relationship in the loosest sense of the word because friendship is still the relationship between two people

55. Ruin a first date in 5 words or less. repeat questions would ruin a date cause it proves you're not listening

56. How old are you and how old do you feel? I'm 29 but I feel the same as i always have

57. Tag your favorite tumblr blog. @evilsupplyco

58. Your house is burning down and your family is safe what is the one material item you’d grab? my phone'd already be in my pocket so laptop?

59. How long until you introduce your bf/gf to your family? theyve met

60. Fill in the blank: All you need in this life of sin is you and your ____. Nope. All you need in this life of sin is you. No and your anything

61. Kobe, Jordan, or Lebron? neither

62. What is your favorite Drake lyric? I hate everything he has ever said

63. Where did you meet the last person you fell in love with? I don't fall in love, I believe I only fall in lust/infatuation/obsession.

64. Do you know your love language? I joined a shitty website to find the answer. Apparently it's physical touch and then words of affirmation.

65. Take a Myers Briggs Personality Test: what are your results? No. I fail at these. The questions are never things that i would do so i feel like im unintentionally lying and it never sounds like me

66. How do you feel about Quentin Taurentino films? Violence and blood what could be better?

67. Fill in the blank: Get you someone who will ______. _worship you as the amazing and beautiful bad ass bitch that you are <-- actual drunken advice from me

68. What’s your favorite movie soundtrack? Spiderman 2 i actually had the album

69. What’s your favorite fragrance on the opposite sex? i dont care what they smell like as long as its not fags

70. Is there any magazine, blog, or publication you read weekly? Nope

71. Will you abstain from sex or go to marriage counseling? Why are these my only options? But I'm not going to counselling, if they have issues then they should just tell me :)

72. There’s two kinds of people in the world: Those who pour ketchup on their fries, and the ones who put it on the side to dip. Which one are you? The one who doesn't order ketchup at all.

73. Rough sex or slow sex? Both. Either. Any lol

73. Have you ever slept with a stranger? Nope. Not that I have anything against it I've just never had the opportunity

74. What’s your dream music collaboration? Produced by who (Dead or Alive)? idk but probably produced by rick rubin cause that guy does eeeeeverything lol

75.  What song will you probably conceive your kids to? Music would just be a distraction

76. Do you have a scripture or quote you live by? Nope

77. Finish this sentence: If men had birth control _____. itd be free

78. How long should sex last? As long as both partners need

79. What music do you listen to when you de-stress? Just whatevers next on the playlist

80. How soon should you text someone after getting their number? The next time you want to tell them something but they arent there beside you?

81. How do you feel about the 80/20 rule? Living in lol but its more like erm 20/80?

82. Is sex a determinate in a relationship? Yeah. Why would you get with someone if you're not at least somewhat attracted to them?

83. Is it wrong to move in with someone or “shack up” before marriage? Nope

81. Send me a never have I ever. Never have I ever enjoyed beer

82. What is your favorite video game of all time? Spyro The Dragon

83. Who is your favorite book/movie character? "SQUEAK" said the Death Of Rats

84. Can you define love as best as you can? Nope

85. Does size matter? I hope not, women like taller guys lol.

86. What is your favorite thing about the person you like? Physically? Personality? idk

87. Five Year plan? Go! Don't get fired, save money, get an actual house, buy stuff off my list?

88. If someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to? idk i dont understand me so why you asking me?

89. Do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? Do you identify yourself by the things you do? I don't tend to think of myself at all really... and why would I identify myself?

90. What does emotionally available mean to you? Someone who is not emotionally closed off?

91. Could you go into business with your ex? Hahahahahahahah no

92. What is the last song you sang aloud? I'd Rather Drown ineverletpeopleinandihaveyoutoremindmewhy

93. If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? They do. They told me. It sucks cause it changes nothing except igniting that small bit of hope id given up on...

94. How do you prefer to obtain your music Streaming, Downloads, or Physical? Physical albums for artists I like, even though it just goes straight into the laptop anyway i still like having albums

95. Name an artist you like that your friends probably don’t listen to. What friends? But erm Archangels Revenge. I doubt the ex members listen to them as much as I do lol

96. Tag someone that’s probably her baby father. this makes no sense?

97. Post a selfie you really like. nope

98. Do you watch anime? What is your favorite? Death Note or The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya so far, but ive got a lot on my list

99. What’s the zodiac sign of the last person you dated? Aquarius

100. Do you know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior? I know that he is not either.

[auburnwesthillneighbors]

The West Hill Development NOBODY Wants....

Hi! If you’re here, you probably live in the West Hill community of Auburn, Washington or are interested. 

Bear with my while I give you a little background….

The Auburn “West Hill” community is sandwiched between Federal Way and the Auburn Valley. We were annexed to the city of Auburn in 2008. Prior to being annexed, a whole lot of development took place with not many rules.

Auburn’s comprehensive plan, created because every city needs one under the Growth Management Act, has rules to ensure that the city will have enough parks, recreational facilities, and open spaces so that as we grow, citizens continue to enjoy a their community environment. They know our neighborhood is under-served for parks and recreational facilities and are actively looking for undeveloped properties to acquire. They have not had a success yet during the 10 years they’ve been in charge.

Here’s an aerial view of the North half of Auburn West Hill. 

See that nice, green rectangle? Wouldn’t that be a nice park? Well, it won’t be, because...

That is going to be a development that NO ONE WANTS.

Here’s what I mean:

The City would love to see this become a park! 

The city knows we’re under-served for parks and has been trying to acquire undeveloped land for one. There’s only a couple options left in our entire ‘hood, and none that are for sale. If they hadn’t missed their chance, they would have loved to get this land.

The Owners would love to see this become a park! 

The family selling this land has had it for decades. They love these woods, and even let non-profits use it for day camps for decades. They hate to see the woods torn down. Over the past decade, the family had several interactions with the Community Development Department of the city regarding nibbles by developers, and figured the city would have been approached them, if the city had wanted it. However, it was the Parks Dept. that was looking for land, and nobody told them it was available. At the time, The Parks Department hadn't been proactively reaching out to owners of properties they might like to acquire for a park. In short, nobody was talking to each other. The owners ended up closing a deal with a developer. 

The Community would love to see this become a park! 

We’re a mix of people and families with kids that deserve PARKS! Any new neighbors we welcome from density deserve them TOO! The community has already seen this area become highly developed. This means more traffic and saying goodbye to a lot of our beloved wild spaces. Meanwhile, our kids have no parks, no community center, no library, no fields, nothing other than the sparse school facilities. The woods are centered right between 2 elementary schools. Could it be any more perfect?

New Home Buyers would rather this become a park! 

The value of these homes is likely in the $600k range. Do you think people want to spend that kind of money for a home in an overcrowded area with nowhere to take their children? How would you feel when you found out the development you bought into had to pay parks fees and a lump sum to the city to acquire park land, for parks that don’t exist near you? Wouldn’t you rather they had at least used a portion of the land in your development as a park?

Even The Developers would also rather this become a park! Yes, really! 

The developers are, of course, just trying to make a profit. Employees there are helping this development succeed because they want to keep their jobs. However, as an employee working for a developer, would you feel good that beautiful woods were being leveled, knowing it yields a park-less product for which your customer is paying park fees? Even though you may need to help this along in order to keep the profits rolling, if it were me, I’d wish I could quit. I’d wish I could change the system. But I’d tell myself whatever I had to, in order to do the job I was paid to do.

So what’s going on here? Why isn’t this becoming a park?

The short answer: A chemical reaction of law and money set off by a lack of communication and a lack of foresight. I see it as a mistake. There are no bad guys here. Everyone is following the rules and doing their jobs: laws and money.

So what do we do? Can we stop this moving train?

A community of us is gathering to see if we can out a penny on the tracks.

Here’s how you can help:

Donate funds:

We’ve set up a GoFundMe account to pay a land-use lawyer to appeal it:

The lawyer DOES think we have a case, for one because the City should not be able to go by the less-stringent county standard which gives the parks dept 6 years to buy us a park, allowing the developer to pay a fee instead of dedicating land. The City wording is that park standards need to be adequate BEFORE the project is complete, and this is the standard the City should follow, legally.

We’re making the case that the developer can’t substitute money for land, given that land is finite, and undeveloped land in our area is down to basically 1, maybe 2 other properties besides this one that’s even close to the meeting our needs. In fact the city may need all of these properties to bring us up to the required 6 acres/1000 residents. Money does not equal a park, if there’s no parks to buy!

Add your signature:

We’ve started a petition to gather signatures and show the city that we really, really want this, and it’s good for the city long-term if they could please figure out how to pay for it! The Parks Department has some funds to pay the developer to let go of this land, but they’ll need other government departments or granting organizations for help. Let’s show the City community support to get city staff on our side, so they know we want them to pursue this. They may have missed one window, but this land is never going to be as cheap or beautiful as it is today!

Spread awareness:

We have a facebook group for the West Hill community, called “Auburn West Hill Neighbors” -- please join! If we give this issue attention, we hope that next time, people will communicate and things will happen as we all wished they would have this time!

[msutimi]

An Open Letter To My Friend Josh (You Asked For It)

Hi Josh, 

So as I told you in the last text I sent you, out of respect for you and Miwa’s relationship, I have blocked you from every social media we used to connect with. But as you know, despite the fact that I’m still struggling to wait for my gigs, I can still be considered as an aspiring writer. 

I write in order to express what I think or what I feel just so that I can transform it into something like my portfolio. And although I’m not sure whether you’d end up reading my piece this time, I will do it anyway. 

I have an ex who’s now still a dear friend of mine, and he sometimes ends up scrolling on my blog just to see my random thoughts lately. He also likes to read the piece I wrote for his birthday when he felt a bit narcissist like he’s always been. 

And with my witty sense of humor and candid personality, despite the fact that I have blocked you for the sake of not talking to you, I’m sure one day you would remember me and find yourself googling about me, and like anyone who did, you’d end up on this blog and maybe, you’d read this too. 

We had known each other for quite some time now, like maybe 1.5 years since I confronted you as you kept viewing my profile on OKCupid and we got like 90%++ match so I thought I could really send you a message. I mean, you live far away from me anyway, so I thought that the chance of us hooking up would be almost impossible anyway. Hence, guys on OKC rarely want to interact when there’s no chance of hooking up so I kinda expected you would be one of them. 

But you were not. 

You actually replied with a long message to prove that you had actually read my profile, and the next thing we knew, we exchanged e-mail address and line account. 

And you sent me this message on facebook, “What’s up with you, secret squirrel?” just because I set everything on private and as we got no mutual friend, you could do nothing about my facebook profile except for dropping me a message. So then I decided to add you as a friend there too, despite the fact that we never met before.

As I told you, I usually don’t add anyone I know through dating apps on facebook because that’s the point of keeping it private in the first place, but anyway... 

So that’s where our genuine friendship began. I mean, sure our friendship wouldn’t start without OKCupid anyway. But then I suppose in this digital era, it’s safe to say that befriending someone is only official when you’re friends on facebook. 

But beyond that, I think that’s exactly where our friendship began for the thousands of memes we exchanged, for the stories of each other’s pets. You told me that your ex-wife created a GoFundMe for one of your dogs when he was critical. And then he died. And then one of my cats died. 

And then we started joking around about our future. Being married to each other eventually with two nerdy kids, and the opportunity for me to inherit a fortune in case you died on a mission as a military officer. 

Well, that’s what I got for telling you about the thought of finding a sugar daddy who would fund me for being broke like this. You said that your possible death might motivate me at some point. And yes, because then I wasn’t sure whether I should laugh or just let it go. 

I mean, if I could cry over Mallary Hope’s Love Lives On, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to imagine being a widow of this random military officer. Even this officer was as weird as you. :p 

We started telling each other stories about our date. About how annoying it was for me to deal with this lazy texter who’s actually great in a real conversation. Or about how Miwa gave you mixed signals about what you both are when you really like her.

Moving forward, earlier this year when you broke your legs in the accident, you told me that there would be a mission to Jakarta in March and you were hoping that you’d be well by then so you could be in the crew flying here and manage to meet me. And well, you did.

A few weeks before we planned out our first (and last, eventually!) meeting, you told me that you had an argument with Miwa. Although it was rather boring for me because it didn’t have anything to do with me (yes, I’m that selfish!), I listened to it anyway. Why? Because I was trying to be a good friend. 

Closer to our D-date, I told you that I didn’t really want to have a rebound sex. But then okay. 

You didn’t even realize what I was talking about because, in your mind, I was the one who would use you as a rebound when really I was thinking about me being someone who would be used by you to replace Miwa. So when I told you that, you were like, “Don’t think of it like that, but think of it as we have known each other for so long and finally you will meet your future husband.” 

Another joke about our potential future that now I have to bury to the ground. Come to think about it, you’re probably just being an asshole. 

Like I said the other day if one day we find ourselves married to each other, I would be the heartless one because of who I am. And I’m glad I told you this.

 I’m glad that I am so heartless that when out of the blue you texted me that you and Miwa would try and work things out and out of respect for her and your relationship, I’m going to have to stop talking with you, I managed to play it cool to congratulate you and say good luck. And also tell you that I have to block you if that’s the case. 

Am I that cool as a person? Am I that heartless? I tell you what. No. 

I felt stupid. I felt humiliated. I regret to think that for once, maybe you’re different compared to any other guys. 

Goddammit Josh, I didn’t really expect us to eventually live in Florida like you said we would. But then it still hurt to think that you would text me to stop talking to you when in the same afternoon, you were actually initiating a conversation about how it would be like when we got married. I didn’t bring up the conversation. You freaking did. 

But as you did, I had this wild idea of being wanted for once. And a few hours later, you virtually slapped me with the fact that while joking around about our future, you were also trying to reconcile with Miwa. What the flying fuck? 

Even worse, because the next thing I knew, Miwa texted me saying sorry (for what?) and the cause of your text was because she asked you whether you were still talking to me as she already knows that I have slept with you during your layover in Jakarta in the first place. 

And you told her that I sent you messages despite you trying to initiate a conversation. Again, what the flying fuck? 

First of all, when were you planning to tell me that you actually tried to reconcile with Miwa? You could’ve told me, but you didn’t. Why? Is it because I’m so cool but so far that you thought you could use me as a second option?

And Miwa freaking asked me why I slept with you. I put down my ego and decided not to tell her that you were being selfish when I was thinking about your rebound sex. 

So I told her that I, as a woman, have my own principle. I could sleep with anyone I want as long as it’s mutual and they are not committed in a relationship with anyone. Which is also true. But that’s not my point. 

You’re being mean to me because you put me as a black sheep of the whole story. You made it like I’m an idiot who would still disturb you with friendship when I didn’t have any clue about what was going on with your love life. You could’ve told me that you’re starting to see Miwa again and I would understand. It is unless, on the other side of the door, you’re actually afraid of losing me and the conversation we’ve had.  

Honestly, I was planning to ignore you for good when you told me I was being dramatic and I should’ve been an actress. Usually I would be my sassy self telling people off when they told me I’m being dramatic, and I actually had this thing in mind to tell you off if I intended to reply that message, being smartmouth. 

I would’ve thanked you for telling me that as I’m thinking to cast a role in Hollywood if that’s the case. But I lost my interest, and then the next thing I knew, you sent me memes and told me that apparently, our relationship was solely based on memes and your meme game is down lately. 

I could take this wrong, but I thought it was you telling me that you still wanted to talk to me. I know my communication skill is not perfect, but in this case, you’re the worst, Josh! 

So despite everything, I would like to thank you for a good ol’ friendship between us in the past few years. You were my best friend. And I’m glad we were, despite how I’m the meme queen so I’ve seen most of the memes you sent me.

Whatever your future holds, be it with Miwa or with anyone else, I wish you the best of luck. Funny how Miwa told me that if I like you, you’re all mine. I don’t want to be with you as I know Miwa is your priority. 

Why would I? I’m better than just being the second option. 

So again, congratulation and good luck. And be honest. 

Love, 

M.