#a fat lot of tumblr and IG ones suck though

[hislittleraincloud]

Also, re: Percy’s nudes: why the fuck are these people still trying to spread that shit around and why the fuck do they still have nudes of a MINOR saved to their phones/computers? These mfs need to get whacked with CP.

Yep. They're fucking weirdos.

[kaelthas-sunstrider-official]

Tagged by: @jeshire-katt (wont let me tag u >:U And yeah its cool dude!) 

RULES: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.

🌸 LAST… Drink: Dr. Pepper Last phone call: My mom Last text message: My Fiance :]  Last song I listened to: UH. Ricochet - Shiny Toy Guns Last time I cried: Today whoops. Before today it was like. 6 months ago when someone I rlly care about tried to do something bad to themselves.  

🌸 HAVE YOU EVER… Been cheated on: Not that I’m aware.  Kissed someone and regretted it: Yeah  Been depressed: lmao since 2005ish Been drunk and thrown up: Buzzed, not thrown up.  Kissed a stranger: ............. Possibly.  Drank hard liquor: Once Lost glasses/contacts: Yeah :/  Been arrested: Oddly enough, no.  Turned someone down: ;) I’m a heartbreaker (it was only like 2 fucking people lol) Cried when someone died: Do my cats count? Beside that maybe like. 2007ish? 

🌸 IN THE PAST YEAR, HAVE YOU… Made a new friend: I have!  Laughed until you cried: Uh. Possibly?  Met someone who changed you: Hrm, not necessarily.  Found out who your true friends were: LMAO yeah.  Found out someone was talking about you: :)c

🌸 GENERAL: How many people on tumblr do you know in real life: Big fat ZERO.  Do you have any pets: 2 WHOLE CAT.  Do you want to change your name: Legally? Yea. Obviously it’s not fucking Kezzler, lets be real here guys.  What time did you wake up this morning: Uh well I went to bed at 3 pm and then woke up at like 6 pm so?  What were you doing last night: Fuck I honest to god don’t remember. That;s how bad my memory is.  Name something you cannot wait for: APRIL. For reasons. 

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: My sometimes shitty stepdad and my extra shitty ex who literally just stopped talking to me and expected we’d still be dating lmaooooooooooooooooo. Kinda hate the name now.  What’s getting on your nerves rn: the fact that IG I got something stuck in my pinky finger and now it’s all pustulated around it, and i can’t get it back out. Also my physical form is P gd irritating.  Blood type: O+ Nicknames: Kez, Kael, Guzma, KT, Sol... Like. Yanno. Too many nicknames.  Zodiac sign: Cancer Pronouns: He/Him/His Favourite tv show: Steven Universe (the fandom fucking sucks tho) and Adventure time.  Hair colour: Brownish blonde?  Long or short: Man I’m half bald so. Short? I’ve got the sokka hair going on.  Crushes: No, not counting that I’m in a relationship.  Tattoos: I would LOVE ONE but I’m also a giant weenie who is afraid of pain.  Righty or lefty: Right

🌸 FIRSTS… First surgery: Oral surgery/ wisdom tooth extraction. All 4 in one go, baby! First piercing: the ears. I’d like more ear peircings tbh. Gotta get that goblin aesthetic.  First best friend: Mallory Rise and she was honestly terrible lmao. All my friends then were kinda ew.  First sport you joined: Soccer and I got so bored I’d fucking. Sit in the field and pick flowers.  First vacation: Kentucky? Methinks. Went to see the mammoth caves with my dad and brother!

🌸 RIGHT NOW… Eating: Just finished a philly cheese steak sandwich :] Drinking: Still Dr. Pepper my bros.  I’m about to: kind of thinking about OW, but I also might sleep more?  Listening: Nothin.  Want kids: I want kids as far away from me as possible at all times. So, no. Never. 

🌸 WHICH IS BETTER? Lips or eyes: eyes Hugs or kisses: hugs Shorter or taller: LMAO BINCH U THINK ANYONE IS SHORTER THAN ME????  Older or younger: generally I like people older than me.  Sensitive or loud: sensitive Hook up or relationship: relationship.  Troublemaker or hesitant: depends on my mood honestly 

🌸 DO YOU BELIEVE IN… Miracles: Not really. I’m coming to find anything good you wish to achieve has to be self-made. I do believe in a bit of luck, though.  Love at first sight: No, that’s lust my dudes. Love takes a lot of time and thought and patience and understanding.  Heaven: A potential better place beyond death for deserving people? Yes. Christian heaven? Fuck no.  Santa Claus: Binch I am 20+ y/o what do you think? If ya’lls believe in santa you probably shouldn’t be on anything other than like. PBS Kids.com. 

I literally know like. negative 5 people but lessee.  @shadowpriest-anduin​ @arthass-memethil​ @tinytracer​ @bluzniper​ @reyaltyy​ @irl-feferi-peixes @backgroundflametrooper​ @lil-banshee​

That’s all I can think of offhand. Anyone who sees this and really wanna do it, go for it my bros, sisses and other-gendered pals. 

[mbrl]

a giant update!

 posted first here bc yolo

roadmap-

the stuff i bought from forever 21 today c:

other stuff i did today!

closing the chapter to january (the worst month i’ve had to deal with for awhile?)

things i look forward to in the future: march, april, may, summer.

oh my god i got really cute things from forever 21!! finally ordered a white/light grey windbreaker with swordfish pattern all over it for $20. also got white dolphin shorts (like dolphin style, not literal dolphins) with rainbow stripes on the side. and a dark-ish pink/blush off the shoulder dress with ties on the arm.. it’s kind of weird but was on sale for valentines day & idk how off the shoulder styles look on me... we’ll see ig! it’s really cute and flowy. and another dress, but maroon and long sleeve and floral, kind of in a baby doll fit. it’s lowkey mockneck so the reviews are like help i can’t fit my head through but .. hopefully it fits! there’s some really small lace parts on the sleeve :). and a white flowy vneck top with a bunch of pink flowers on it and a tie in the front. bell-ish sleeves with lace on the upper shoulders and parts of the back! oo and a light weight grey hoodie with kinda cheesy but still cool cool-toned floral embroidery on the hood. it’s p unique but the quality probably sucks and isn’t soft. lastly a peach mid-maxi skirt that has some sheer parts for the bottom half!! it’s like those ballet rehearsal skirts style. 

okay clearly i really like dresses and i think i’m going to start wearing more pink/color because i’m totally over winter in general and how drab that season is. honestly just light warm colors that kind of are reminiscent of furniture fabric/granny aesthetic is totally my vibe. like i want to look like i don’t give a fuck, but not in an emo way but more in a.... idk. i actually don’t know how to explicate my vibe but its like laid back and californian and whatever. hypebeast/grandma/passionate napper/hiker/couch appearance :) also i’m really happy to just sorta word dump and get my thoughts out again because they’re finally good vibes and i feel super excited to share it with my ... laptop screen & whoever’s reading! like getting outta funks is so nice and lowkey reminiscent of a few months ago when i finally got over this stupid boy

anyway okay. today i woke up at 9-10ish because i slept at 3am yesterday :( i felt really weird (ig you can describe as anxious) because of something i did, and i tried to do that thing where i imagined trump spouting all the self hate/angsty vibes i was telling myself, but i didn’t really purge the angst all that much. also i had taken a nap after school + drank boba the day before... (and 2 days before then i slept at 2 bc i had half a cup of green tea in the evening...) also i got angry at myself that i couldn’t sleep because it’s just annoying. it’s 12 am right now and i didn’t take any naps today but i’ll definitely be content & ready to sleep after i right this. so after i woke up, i spent like a few hours cleaning out my room-- i fixed the organization of my desk drawers so it could be more efficient and less cluttered. also the night before when i couldn’t sleep, i hung up all my clothes so that was nice. then in the early afternoon, i finished math hw (literally had 2 problems left, one of which i didn’t know how to do....) and did some japan bowl studying! i also started chatting hella people to ask for interest regarding a possible speaker event that intersections (my social justice club) is hosting... it’s about asian american health disparities, so i got 9 total clubs interested??? now i gotta email the presenter to update them but i’ll do that tomorrow. then from 3-5pm i had a really fun japan bowl meeting that was super untoxic and just productive. this year we have less frequent meetings, but i think we spend the biweekly meetings with... healthier vibes. it’s a lot more fun, and honestly no amount of shame expedites self-studying better than just having a safe and nice environment. we did some practice rounds & i knew the answers to some questions!!! it was fun. i’ll definitely be studying more ahahah this week’s meeting was kind of a throw away but it was good bonding? we also did reading practice.

then i went on tumblr/online shopped/youtubed for 2 hours or smtg..then finished bio hw (3 sections of notes!!!!) while watching gaming streams after eating dinner. then chilled and took a shower, went on tumblr some more, and here i am now! i feel like i didn’t do much but whatever. it’s okay to be leisurely and like.. i just have a worksheet for aplac and a few emails to write tmrw, and i guess that’s it? chill weekend.

okay queue the giant cbt paragraphs:

january was a giant mess mainly because of tasp application... it’s hard for me to take the experiences that i know are invaluable in building my character, and trying to relay that in a effective, understandable way. it made me feel secure because it was almost like i was selling myself/commodifying my experiences, but i was doing it in the course of a 3-4 weeks. it was annoying when i got the diction and syntax just how i wanted it, only for my editor to be like no this is weird. it’s weird to have someone who doesn’t know you try to word your experiences and push you into a template. thank god said editor actually got fired and isn’t my college counselor-- now i have this really tall and goofy friendly white guy (who majored in sociology so you can imagine he’s not the typical yt).

another thing was just friend stuff, but not in a way that points a finger specifically to anyone, it’s just... junior year will literally suck the life out of people and push them to extremes. for me, when i needed support from my friends, it’s not like i could receive it-- partly this is just normal though because normally i don’t confide in them anyway because my life is pretty easy anyway. most of the time/100% of the time i’m initiating the how-are-you type thing and listening to rants and giving advice or playing devil’s advocate or trying to empathize and validate. and when i needed someone to do that for me, i didn’t know how to ask for it? and my friends wouldn’t have the capacity to care for me bc i don’t think they actually know the background of my problems that well. i mean only i really know that and that’s fine bc it’s not really practical for other people to take the time to (1) understand and, (2) care... also it’s not worth it to me to expend the emotional labor explaining to someone. so this really isn’t to sound self sacrificing, it’s just that i consciously don’t expect my friends to be my therapist, but since i have amateur skills & pretty decent emotional intelligence, i’m glad to take that role for my friends. this just blows up in my face every once in awhile when my own problems resurface or smtg and i just turn inward and whatever. thank god it’s over!!! that was basically my january.

someone i kinda know also had something really egregious happen to them. and i can’t talk about it bc i’m making this post public bc i want a record of this on my studyblr blog. anyway i was alone in helping this person with the egregious thing because it’s not the kind of thing i can share (it’s not my story) and also sharing the information can force people to do things that ... wouldn’t be favorable. the stress from that time made me really upset for a few days and i was so angry that the egregious thing even happened, and i’m definitely not the person to get angry.

also had to get my physical for track from this gross pervert of a doctor who uses a stethoscope to touch breasts :\ and i felt really disgusting and gross and it happened and just yuck so cringe ijaijsf don’t wnat to talk about it

ugh okay another thing that i recently came to realize is that fat is really underrated in attractiveness because flab plausibly makes for super comfortable cuddling? basically other than in the context of a fatphobic society (and this isn’t to thin shame), there’s nothing definitively more beautiful about sharp angles or hard muscles compared to soft curves? someone i sit next to in a class wears hoodies and sweatpants almost everyday and they just look like a pillow/perfect big spoon. okay but at the same time food angst and body image stuff is lowkey resurfacing, but in a really lowkey way against myself :(. part of the reason why i got angry last night at myself was because i didn’t like how i drank boba at such a late time, and how i was basically on a sugar high at 2am. so i’m trying to limit my processed food intake as a means of control. i’m pretty safe from relapsing into fullblown AN but a lot of shame associated with certain foods is still there. also i still dislike my thighs and back flab and i didn’t run hard enough to be ready for track and i feel really out of shape :(

a few days ago i went volunteering and was utterly exhausted and not in the mood of being understanding. i don’t think i was being impatient, but i was being more curt than usual when working with somebody. i was really annoyed and dwelling on my irritation and letting it consume me. on the car ride home, i was thinking through all the reasons why i could be so pissy, so i had to think through all this angst and grossness in january. i was always hoping that i was just pmsing when i was feeling especially down during that month, but i think the stress made me skip that month :\ so idk where my period or pms went but goddamn ig i was just especially moody that month if hormones can’t explain it lol

during january, intersections was passed and that was such a big victory. but i didn’t really care about it. i honestly didn’t even want to do anything for it or hope that i’d go well. part of insecurity for me is that i doubt myself so much (sUBCONSCIOUSLY, which is especially annoying bc idk what i actually feel half the time) that i get frustrated easily.

but the stress of the summer app and distancing myself from the stressful things has allowed me to recover, and i’m really happy and my normal self (which i’m really happy about!!!) i’ve literally been writing for 40 min so i’m going to start doing lists for the remaining stuff i said i’d write about

things i look forward to!

feb: planning for intersections, week of break = cramming for jbowl, light school work load

march: starting my club, leadership conference i’m part of, almost time for jbowl

april: jbowl!, spring break, api healthcare disparities presentation?

may: giant speaker event with an alumnus possibly?

summer: lead a free program for low income students around where i live? there’s a lotta red tape and logistics that come with this one though... will be thinking about it for a long time.

okay i’m sleepy bye