#a dumb thought dump on nol's inability to stop caring

[trashlie]

in which nol is incapable of resisting friendship (part two)

It’s no secret that episode 179 has set me off on a deeper wave of ILY brainrot and I am incapable of shutting up. This is a follow up to my last post, which was largely just me revisiting some old ILY scenes leading up to and including the formal, re-examining some scenes that had always given me some pause win the light of what we’ve recently learned and with Nol’s general mindset. 

This is a companion piece, that doesn’t really require you read the one prior, that visits something I’ve been thinking about since around 151, which is the way that though Nol has made it his mission to walk out of his friends lives and yet, we see him struggle at that with Shinae. I once noted that Nol is very much like Minhyuk in that both of them seem incapable of resisting trying to help her even though they know well enough she can take care of herself and somehow that seems a little more significant now.

It’s kind of weird, but finding out that Nol had never intended to truly be with friends with anyone - that he thought he could just enter these peoples’ lives and help them and then leave when his good deed was done - makes the friendships he formed so much more special to me. He never intended to really be a friend, to care about them, but in the end, he couldn’t help it. It brings us here, to a post-Kim-formal Nol who has already decided to walk out of everyone’s lives but finds it’s not that easy to do, or to stop caring. 

I do believe he had every intention of it and even had Yui not played dirty at the formal, Nol would have been off to Oxford and wouldn’t have looked back. I’m not saying he wouldn’t have felt guilty, but it’s pretty easy to compare Nol to a feral cat; there’s a couple people he’s grown comfortable with but the moment he sees that opening he’s taking off and breaking free. Obviously his methods were never right and frankly, the idea that he could just walk out of everyone’s lives and they’d be better for it, without ever giving them the option to choose, was unfair and wrong, but I also get it, to some degree. Especially in light of the arrest, the upcoming jail sentence, he’s cagey and ready to be gone. He already believes no one is going to miss him or care when he’s gone. In fact, to this point, we already know that he had no idea how important a friend he was becoming to Shinae, what their experiences at the Kim forma did to strengthen her attachment to him. He even states outright that he had no idea she felt that way about him, that he was important to meant anything to her. 

Something I find especially interesting is that while Nol has every intention of leaving, booking it to the UK and exiting their lives, a fleeting memory of a kid who helped these people in their hard times, we still see the way he’s drawn to his friends - or at least to Shinae. We don’t really see Nol with his friends after the formal and I imagine it’s because he’s purposefully keeping his distance, whereas with Shinae, he doesn’t have that option given how much they’re around each other working in the same building. 

It cannot be denied that he’s cagey as hell, keeping his distance, careful to keep Shinae at bay and yet, despite this, he always gets drawn back in.

Nol can’t help it - at this point he legitimately cares.

Especially with Shinae, I think this goes even deeper, because we now know that the only reason Nol even resurfaced in that pool was Shinae. As he much as he was saving her, she saved him too, although I imagine he doesn’t exactly view it that way. (In a way, the task of saving Shinae can almost be seen as a burden; though he was ready to let everything end then, he felt emburdened to help her, and that meant denying himself something he craved, but I think in time we’ll see him change his feelings about that.) They both are still here because of each other, and I think that’s a bond that will play into their relationship as they recalibrate their friendship. 

Even as early as the day after the formal we can see Nol drawing his distance, and it’s not because he promised Kousuke he’ll minimize his interactions with Shinae, but his own choosing. He throws his phone after seeing her calls - but he still cares. I like this detail a lot because it’s something I puzzled over a lot before, but now it’s clear that he tried not to return the call because he knew she’d be worried, because he needed to create space between them, because he needed to be able to walk away. But he can’t. He doesn’t want her to worry, or maybe deep down he likes the idea of her concern, that someone he cares about might also care about him. I still love that whole scene, their exchange on the phone with the hugged pillows and concern and we see a bit of the real Nol peeking out - no forced smiles or masks, just a weary, tired boy who has been through too much too young and has so much on his shoulders, and his friend so concerned about him despite her own injuries. I think it reads as so very honestly them and I hope we see more of those scenes - relying on each other, caring about each other, lending a shoulder of support. Though Nol doesn’t actually open up on that call, I like to hope we’ll see him learn to do that.

There’s a number of moments that I think carry new weight with what we now know about Nol and his intentions to leave everyone behind that I want to touch on.

On Shinae’s first day of work, we were able to get the sense of Nol being evasive - he can’t just avoid her, but he makes no point to linger in her presence, even when he finds her on the floor in the elevator. Shinae is very aware that something is off, and while you can argue that it’s because he’s not acting like Yeonggi, I think it’s more that she’s honing in on Nol’s evasive behavior. He’s doing the bare minimum as a friend but he’s also leaving a lot of space between them. In fact, Nol even states “It’s not like I’ll be disappearing any time soon” with his eyes closed - a lie, because he knows he will be.  Yet, on her second day when she’s late, Nol takes it upon himself not only to take the fall for why she’s late, but also go to and pick her up, which is above and beyond, for someone who is pointedly distancing himself from Shinae. 

Nol has no obligation to help - he could just talk to Kousuke like she asked without going through the motions of going to retrieve her and yet he chooses to. It’s a small but big detail - something I’ve always called out - Nol’s helplessness in refuting Shinae. It would be so easy for him to do exactly what she asked, to simply talk to Kousuke and leave it at that but he doesn’t, and it’s beyond his grapple for absolution, because he knows by this point that this is a friend he cares about and he wants to help and when Shinae needs that assistance, he finds himself beholden to doing that and minimizing the trouble she could be in. Obviously part of it is because the excuse he used was dependent on him being Shinae’s ride to work, so retrieving her was the only way to make it believable, but he could have come up with any number of excuses on her behalf. I think it’s a nice demonstration of how even though Nol should be keeping his distance, it’s difficult for him to successfully do it. He’s only good at avoiding them when he doesn’t actually have to face or talk to them. 

Because he’s picking her up, we’re treated to that cute conversation they have about Dieter and his feelings for Shinae, but also Nol gets to witness the way she uses words that he has used on her when Dieter does the very kind of self-beating-up that she’s prone to. His smile is cute - realizing that he has, indeed, helped her, and that help is now going on to help others. Maybe he feels some sort of comfort, knowing that he’ll be leaving Shinae a better friend and person? 

I would not be me if I didn’t yell into the night about episode 93, which is actually what prompted me to write this whole thing, all the way to part one, in the first place, because there’s a line that REALLY stood out to me after reading 179. I’ve talked about this a lot before but to reiterate, Nol has made his decision to leave his friends and let them “move on” without him, and yet at every opportunity, he finds himself concerned. You could argue that he’s rankled about how Kousuke treats Shinae because of his own feelings about Kousuke, and certainly that likely colors it, but Nol understands how much is being thrown at her with so little breathing room. He also understands being tossed into the sea and expected to sink or swim. Nol clearly cares that too much is being expected of Shinae, who is still a student, who has so many other issues going on at home, and he can’t help but caring about it. 

When he follows that he’s going overboard as her friend again, I think it’s a very honest moment for Nol. Unlike before when he forced friendship on her for his own gain, now he cares about the line she drew, now he’s being that good friend, again despite his intentions. Nol is also being more honest than usual with Shinae. I think there’s something more to his surprise that Shinae went ahead and invited Kousuke to the party, because Nol’s personal intentions were bad, because he wanted to make Kousuke feel uncomfortable the way he’s been doing to Shinae. It’s revenge-y and it does make Nol look bad - but he doesn’t realize Shinae, too, feels the same. It’s one of those moments of their mirroring that’s really laid out - Nol didn’t expect her to do it because he doesn’t know she, too, felt the same way he does, that she, too, was feeling upset with the way she’s been treated by Kousuke. 

The way Nol sits, angled away from her like earlier in the locker room, despite how honest he’s being, revealing these small, secret parts of himself that he keeps under lock and key, revealing the depth of his concern and care. I love how very at odds it is - that he wants to stop, that he’s trying not to, he’s angled away he’s trying to create that distance but he still can’t help the honesty that comes out. He still can’t help the caring.

I feel like there’s so much new weight to this line. He’s saying it for Shinae’s benefit - that though he knows she’s capable of taking care of herself and fighting her own battles, as a friend he still is going to care about her and worry. But given that, until some weeks ago, he was convincing himself these relationships meant nothing, that these friendships were one sided had no hold, to admit out loud “That won’t stop me from caring” is a confession not only of his attempt to respect Shinae’s wishes but also an admission of his own truth. No matter what, no matter how he tries, he cannot stop himself from caring. 

Shinae is an important friend, someone he cares about, someone who matters and it can’t be undone anymore. 

Maybe that’s the source of his frustration? That these people who were meant to mean nothing now mean everything and, moreso, they care about him in return. No one but Nana does that, no one plays attention to the little details or his an earbud that’s fallen to the ground, but now he has friends like Shinae who express so much concern over him. Does he wish he could stay? Does he wish he could indulge in those relationships though he knows (according to his logic) no good can come of it? When he immediately texts Dieter, I still think he’s trying to tie up loose ends - if he can help ensure Dieter and Shinae’s friendship, they can be better off together in his absence, maybe? That lingering look of frustration, though - I don’t think it’s that he’s developing feelings, so much as he realizes how much he cares, how much he wants to indulge, how much he wants to be cared about in return and how dangerous it is for him to entertain these notions. 

idk I’m endlessly obsessed with that episode and what it means for Nol to be unable to help himself from caring, despite how much he never meant to. 

And on this topic, the other favorite episode to fixate on and overanalyze, 117. 

I love this one a lot because we have Shinae becoming more aware of Nol’s evasive attitude and calling him out on it. As natural as he tries to be, he fails, and yet even though he could escape while she’s working, he instead gives Shinae his word and stays to her break as promised. It’s like, even though what he’s doing isn’t really being a good friend - that is, this game of friendship where he doesn’t tell her he plans on leaving, maintaining friendship in these little pockets of time but with every intention to leave and ghost everyone - he still can’t help but be a good friend. Shinae is worried that he’s avoiding her (and he is!) so he stays to assuage  her feelings. 

I’m sure it’s been wondered before but, what is Nol even doing hanging out there? He knows she works there and will be around shortly - does he secretly want to see her and talk? Maybe it’s just that it’s the nearest place he can escape and be alone, but again, the point still stands that he knows she’ll be by at some point. Maybe he just wasn’t counting on her working the night he was sitting there? He’s clearly avoiding going home or staying at work, so I’m not sure we can assume he is acting on a secret desire to have a moment with a friend, but the fact that the only option he’s got is the very place the friend he’s avoiding works isn’t in his favor. Either way, we know the weight of everything is hanging heavy over him and he’s drowning. 

So it’s no surprise that Nol, once again, opens up JUST a smidge. All in all, he’s hardly revealed his true self to Shinae, but there’s a handful of moments that he kind of starts. Is it because he believes he’ll still be gone by the end of the year and he’s allowed to let himself open up a bit? Or is it just a moment of weak vulnerability, where he can’t help open up a little. Nol has made such an effort to take care of his friends that I think he probably can’t help but want that in return, even though as he’s noting, he doesn’t know if he should be allowed that. 

No matter what he does, he feels like things get worse, like he doesn’t DESERVE to come out on top. And yet, for a moment, he indulges in friendship. He indulges in the comfort of sharing your burdens and opening up to someone and feeling, for a moment, like he’s allowed to want for better. 

I think that might be why he shares his music with Shinae, too? Again, I wonder if this is because he believes soon he’ll be gone and these are selfish pockets of friendship stolen for himself, that won’t matter soon. Because, again, this is such an intimate episode, with him opening up (a fraction lol) and sharing one of his favorite songs with his head tucked so close to Shinae, who lately has done nothing but show concern about him. 

The ambiguous “I like this” reads a little differently now - Nol has denied himself “real” friendships so long, has denied himself the opportunity to really engage with people, that the moments he’s spared with Shinae, Dieter, and Soushi probably are unique for him, something he hasn’t really experienced otherwise. I like this - the feeling of companionship and being seen, of someone who is concerned and cares about you? Of sharing a private part of yourself and being met not with revulsion but actual concern? 

Knowing what we now know about Nol and his intentions, the way he tried so hard to carry these fake friendships and help people without growing attached, idk it just makes these scenes feel a little more special. It’s the inevitability of it that gets to me - that he went in expecting one thing and in the end he couldn’t help who he became, couldn’t help the care that developed. It also makes the way he avoided them ring even more painfully - because the whole time he did that, he, too, wanted to reach back out. He, too, wanted to return to them, but his beliefs had clouded his judgment. 

With that in mind, it makes me rethink some things in 151, too. 

Before, I had thought that when Nol hugged Shinae, it was because he felt bad that his actions made her doubt their friendship, that it killed him for them to part with her thinking that. But it was true! So much of their friendship was a lie! At least, it was founded on a lie, built upon lies. To Shinae, it was an important friendship, one that meant a lot to her, and she was finding that maybe she was never really as important to him as he was to her. We know now that’s not the case, but she didn’t know that at the moment.

Nol doesn’t finally reach out and hug Shinae to reassure her; he does it as an act of apology. He does it because he realizes how much he’s hurt her, how his quest for absolution has, yet again, hurt people regardless of his intentions. 

Don’t get me wrong - I’m sure the hug is also some kind of reassurance, but above all, it IS an apology, because she is right and she’s calling him out even though she doesn’t realize how right she is. It all began a lie and he tried so hard to keep it a lie but he couldn’t help but come to care, and now he’s hurt her - now she’s hurt again and it’s his fault - and he cares about if he hurts her and he knows (believes) he can’t stick around and he hugs her because it’s such a messy tangle of feelings and idk having this additional layer of knowledge makes it SO bittersweet. Nol being faced with just how much he’s hurt Shinae and the regret and apology and all the things he cannot yet say. 

Idk man, knowing that Nol never intended to truly be their friend but couldn’t help but come to care about them, couldn’t help but fall into real friendship will always have me howling because boy do I know a noble fool on a quest he cannot fully commit to.