#a couple years back because i was having such a horrible time i couldnt cope

[iamjessemccartney]

im mad

[neopiacentral]

heyyy this is gonna be a long post about sexual assault / rape / suicide so mega tw ... i would make this a read more if i could on mobile if those even still exist. anyways

but the other day i was having a mental breakdown as i do and this one was more so thinking about how a little over half of the people i’ve had sex with from ages 17 to 23 (how old i am rn) ..... i only had sex with bc i was coerced or forced into it. and i started thinking about this one scenario in particular that i literally basically had forgotten and pushed out of my head until the other night and somehow i feel like putting it out in the open and talking (typing) about it will help me deal with it better or at least in a way where it’s not just being pushed down for another few years lol

around october of 2017, i was at the most suicidal point of my life not even for any “specific” reason .. i was just really struggling and my depressive episodes would not ease up and i spent a lot of time just trying to distract myself from it. this was the only point in my life where i have ever smoked regularly because even though i hated (and still do hate) the feeling of being high, it felt easier to deal with that instead of just thinking about dying nonstop. i didnt really talk to anybody, i wasn’t in a relationship or anything. and i think i had matched w this guy on tinder or we just followed each other on twitter, i can’t remember but he lived here (but i hadn’t ever met him irl) and he was dealing with a lot of the same things i was so we started talking kind of regularly. he was in a relationship so i never flirted with him or anything even though he was gross and would ask me if we could be “fwb because his girlfriend has a medical condition so she never really wants to have sex” lmfao and i obviously always said no and told him i wasn’t interested but still talked to him bc i felt like he understood me in a way nobody else in my life at the time could and i didn’t want to be on my own. we texted and called so often and thinking back on it it was SO unhealthy bc we didn’t help each other at all we just talked about different ways we would want to die if we ever did .. things like that. like retrospectively it’s so clear that it was just making the situation worse and i wish i would have just stopped talking to him.

i can’t remember if this happened before or after he broke up with his girlfriend but it was 100% before we met up in real life. we had each other on snapchat back when i used to use it and snap maps were a thing obviously. and one day i was home alone and i can’t remember if he had told me he was doing this or not .. like genuinely i just don’t know. but he had shown up at my apartment unannounced, rang the doorbell and waited outside for a bit and i only remember knowing it was him bc i looked through the peephole in my front door and i started having such a massive panic attack bc i had never given him my address and even if he had gotten it from snap maps..... theres 10+ other apartments in my building and he just came straight to mine. it freaked me out SO fuckinf bad and i didn’t answer the door but he texted a bit after he left and i asked how he knew which apartment was mine and he said “ur apartment had a welcome mat so i just figured it was urs haha” like what ........ god.

i have no idea why i kept talking to him bc that really genuinely terrified me and even my friend bella i talked to here and there was literally telling me to call the police and stuff. but yea. i can’t remember how long after it was that we finally hung out in person but i did end up just giving in because we were talking for months and lived in the same city and i felt like i owed it to him to hang out irl after flaking or blowing him off the dozens of times he had asked before.

and he ended up picking me up, he lived about 45 minutes away from me so it was a long drive back to his apartment. he actually made dinner for us and we watched some stuff together and i was surprised how much fun i was having and how nice it was. butttt out of nowhere he just started kissing me and undoing his pants and trying to get me to give him a blowjob no matter how many times i said i didn’t want to or was uncomfortable but he just kept asking. and i was so far from home, i didn’t drive there so i couldnt just get up and leave and didn’t even really know where i was. it was like 2 in the morning at this point i had no person i could call and ask to come grab me or anything and i just felt like i had no choice which . looking back is maybe what he had wanted. i was so scared and we ended up having sex just because i wanted it to be over and i wanted to just be done with what was happening.

and then he literally ghosted me right after. the one person i talked to and trusted and opened up to when i was REALLY hurting mentally basically raped me and just left me alone afterwards leaving me feeling even worse than i did before we had met. i never even told anyone about it after it happened because i didn’t want to deal with it and honestly don’t think i was capable of processing it at that point bc i probably would have completely and fully broken down and lost it. which is also why i have barely even thought about it over the last three almost four years.

last year he started to try and come back into my life just a couple months after alec and i had just started dating. like just randomly interacting with me on instagram and trying to reply to my stories like everything was normal and even tried to talk to me about how things with alec were. and once i made a post on my story about me being at work and he kept dming me asking if he could come visit me bc he knew where my job was and i started having horrible panic attacks at work that i never told anyone about. i have him blocked on everything now but for months i was always looking over my shoulder bc i was so afraid of seeing him.

i want to heal from these things but i don’t feel comfortable going to therapy even though i know i really should. until i feel ready to do that i will just do my best to cope with it all on my own even if that means just telling other people what happened so i can start coming to terms with it myself. it is so hard some days and i am afraid that these things will end up eating me alive sooner or later

[arctic-urpo]

A..ALL of the oc asks for trolly?? ;v; they look so sweet and i couldnt narrow it down sakjdfh

!!! I presume you mean Tolly!! Thank you so much for asking about him, he’s my precious son and I’ve missed him

I’ll put this under a cut though bc this will get long x)

1. What is their favorite word

Hmm, I’m not sure he’d have one absolute favorite but I think he likes soft words, like ‘bubble’

2. How do they sleep

He has troubles sleeping and gets bothered by disturbances easily, so he wears that, what is it called, that blindfold-like thing to block out light, and earplugs etc. He sleeps better when he’s in company he finds safe, though.

3. Favorite companion

The closest friend he has is Will, and then of course he loves his eventually-to-be-boyfriend Neal :’) Both are his favorites, just in different ways!

4. What secrets do they keep, untold to anyone?

He’s really, really insecure about his body, he has freckles and moles all around his upper body and he’s chubby, both of which he tries to hide by wearing a lot of baggy clothes. (I wanna make clear that I don’t think these are “ugly” features at all personally but, he was bullied about these at one point and he has a really bad complex about being seen now)

5. How do they feel about magic

Huh… I think he finds it interesting and fun, he loves to read fiction and a lot of his favorite books include magic. I think if he played more games or trpgs he’d play mages (or clerics specifically if those are in the game). 

6. How do they feel about killing 

Bad!! Horrible!! Death is something he really mourns a lot, even with people he never knew, and he cannot comprehend killing someone…

7. How do they feel at night, in silence, all alone?

Lonely and scared. He doesn’t like darkness so he usually goes to sleep early. And while he is mostly introverted and has avoidant personality disorder and finds other people usually stressing, he also struggles with being alone a lot as well. So he’ll just listen to calming music and go to sleep before it gets too late.

8. Tell me about them in a modern AU

Well, he practically does live in modern world, perhaps a bit more advanced than ours. He’s currently a college student, he spends a lot of time hanging out with his friend group and often proofreads essays etc for his friends because he’s good at it (both writing them and editing them - everyone keeps getting surprised how strict he is proofing them when he’s usually kind and calm). He reads a lot of books and magazines on his free time and goes to therapy once a week… 

9. What is their favorite meal

Filled bell peppers! He usually makes them without any meat if he’s making them himself but he’ll eat them any way.

10. What guides them

A wish to be a good influence on the lives of others, which he hugely looks reference for from books and other sorts of fiction. He also wants to get better with his mental illness, and he has gotten really far from where he used to be.

11. What hinders them

His own inability to believe in himself, mostly. He wants to get better and understands kind of what he should do but, he just ends up always backing off because he can’t believe in himself.

12. Do they have hidden talents

As mentioned before, he’s really good with academic text, but that’s not so much ‘hidden’ talent as it is just his talent. He’s also pretty good at giving massages, which many don’t know. He also reads… really fast…. and he’s super fast at sorting. He’s also really good at comforting people, although he doesn’t realize it himself.

13. How do they carry themselves

Hmm… He mostly kind of keeps to himself and tries to take as little space as possible. He seems meek and, well, he is too. He tries to stay out of the way, seem small. He fiddles with his fingers a lot and has a bad posture. 

14. What are their vices

He has hard time gathering determination for anything and in turn loses it really quickly. He gives up on things and doesn’t usually try to pursue things even if they make him happy. He doesn’t say when things make him uncomfortable because he’s so afraid of causing any kind of conflict… In fact, he avoids anything that can lead to conflict, even if sometimes they are things he would need to do.

15. What was a turning point in their life

Meeting Will, probably. While they both struggle with their own mental illnesses, they’ve found a lot of comfort in their friendship and the strength to get better respectively. Will was the first one to know of Tolly’s struggles and he helped Tolly find friends.

16. Do they ascribe to any religion

He’s agnostic, for the most part. Religion is something that confuses him since, well, it’s not something easy to understand.

17. How do they react to trauma

Not well… He carries his trauma with him for long, finding it hard to let go of them. Every single hurtful word will haunt his thoughts for many, many years if not forever. He’s trying to learn not to mind them but, any wounds trauma has caused him always returns to echo in his thoughts.

18. What is their relationship to their parents

These days he has good relationship with them. In the past he had a lot of difficulties, his parents were distant and busy which partially caused his AvPD. They also used to be pretty conservative so he felt scared about coming out for a long time. Anyways once he finally got the courage to talk and start therapy, his relations have gotten a lot better, especially with his mother who is a psychiatrist and has actively tried to right the things she did wrong so far. His father is not that good at these things, but he tries his best.

19. Do they have siblings

He has an older sibling I haven’t yet defined that much, not even their gender identity;; All I know they’re a lot older than Tolly, something like 8-13 years older. They get along with Tolly but work in an another country so they don’t see a lot.

20. Tell me about their love interests

He gets crushes easily, so he has had a lot. He tends to get crushes on gentle and confident people (or at least people who seem confident, he can’t really recognize faked confidence). His current love interest who’ll in the story become his boyfriend is Neal! Neal is asexual, really calm and quiet and good at taking care of others. Tolly also did have a crush on Will but it didn’t really go anywhere.

21. What sexuality/gender suits them

Tolly is completely homosexual and a cisman!

22. Tell me about their body, are they tall, or smol

Tolly is pretty tall (if I remember correctly he was like 6′4″ - 193cm). As mentioned before, he has a chubby stomach but to the point that he can hide it with big clothes, mostly. His legs especially are long. 

23. What is their combat style and weapon of choice

I’m not sure if he’d ever get into combat… If there’s a possibility of magic then that is his choice, especially healing spells. He’d in any cases rather play support, and not hurt others.

24. Do they have any fears/phobias

Strangers, and other people in general. He’s mostly fine with people he has gotten to know and he has gotten better about this so he’s not constantly scared when he’s out somewhere with people, but he still can’t approach people and will avoid places with a lot of people. Also people yelling or being loud in general makes him uncomfortable. He’s afraid of being hated or being thought of as disgusting or gross and especially being called by those words. He is also really, really uncomfortable with sex scenes with a male-female couple.

25. Do they follow their instinct or hard facts

Mostly he goes by his emotions, so instinct. Logic he can approach well in studies etc, but when it comes to his own life and things that affect him, he goes by what his feelings say.

26. How do they cope with sorrow

He shrivels into his shell, isolates himself from others and cries alone a lot. He used to lock himself up in his room, would hardly sleep, and listen to a lot of music. He also ends up in the cycle of not eating and then binge-eating, repeating this again and again.

27. What makes them burst out laughing

Very few things, he doesn’t really show emotions that strongly. Laughing out loud would gather attention after all and his self-esteem gets in the way too and he feels stupid if he laughs loudly. If he’s at home and watching a comedy show alone or with close friends, he’ll laugh a lot though. Just, often it is quiet and muffled since he covers his mouth when he laughs.

28. Tell me about their grooming routine

He takes a shower every morning and makes sure to dry his hair soon after with a hairdryer. He also lotions his face daily and his body once a week. 

29. What makes them blush

Oh, gosh, many things. He blushes really easily, especially from either embarrassment or being flustered. Being complimented, mocked, making mistakes, seeing his crush, sometimes just talking with his friends… 

30. What makes them cry

Getting mocked or shamed for something, or in general feeling like he’s stupid or has embarrassed himself. He’ll also cry really easily at animal videos that are even a bit emotional

31. Tell me about their aesthetic

Books. A lot of books. Also winter clothes and snow, small and comfy apartments, pictures of the sky.

32. If they had a tumblr, what would they post 

He’d probably mostly use it to reblog things, like pictures he found pretty or things about the books he has read or series he has watched. Not really anything too involved, just nice looking things. Perhaps some occasional pictures of his life, especially study things :>

[argaliaofficial]

i started typing this earlier but then had to go to work so now im just gonna finish it so i get it off my chest

back when i was with my first ex, meg, we went to this private christian school i prolly made a post about this on here before but its topical right now i didnt sleep at all and im tired enough to spill my fucking guts out some more 

so anyway we went to this private christian school and thats when it happened. ive honestly repressed a lot of my time there i was not doing great but what i do remember just makes me feel sick. like, meg aside, the school just sucked. 

for context the way it was set up was that we had “placement tests” to see where we were in subjects like math and english, and however we did made us get placed in PACEs according to our skill level. in theory this is fine i suppose, but the thing was that there were no alternatives to the PACEs. 

PACEs were part of the learning curriculum of our school which was ACE- Accelerated Christian Learning. they were basically little study pamphlets that went over instructions on how to learn certain subjects and whatnot, while also having a christian perspective on things. scripture verses were abundent in them, and they had like a continuous series of comics going in there about their character Ace Virtuson and friends. 

Along with the PACEs, the classrooms were set up like an “office” of sorts with cubicles that you sat in. For me honestly that was one of the many hells because it was so cramping and clinical and I just do not learn well in that sort of environment. so you’d sit quietly for like 8 hours a day with occassional breaks with nothing but your PACE pamphlets to work on. you couldnt speak to any body, and if you needed help, there was a flag system in place where you’d put a flag up and have to sit around and wait for a teacher to come assist you, and usually their assistance only lasted briefly because theres countless OTHER students to get to, and nepotism is a thing and if they dont like you or think of you as a problem kid, you’re less likely to get the aid you need.

i was one of those problem kids. 

early on, i could manage that set up when my work was easier, but when i hit “high school age” and got into more advance work i began to suffer horribly. it didnt help that at this time, i got with meg, but less about her right now and more about how this school system fucking failed me and others tbh 

i do not learn by reading information. at least, i dont retain it. i need to discuss with people, with my peers and professors. i need one on one sometimes, especially with math- my biggest struggle. but how the school was set up made that sort of learning almost impossible. your peers were all at different levels, so group discussion was rare. their were attempts, but they never lasted long, and the extent of the help basically surmounted to the teachers just reading what the PACEs already said and vaguely explaining more, and that blew. 

so, me, being a hands on group learner who has to talk and listen to even retain information and needs to be allowed to move around often instead of being cramped up, started to fall behind in my studies. badly. and of course, instead of the teachers trying to asses WHY it was you were falling behind, you got written up and had to have your parents sign a slip. you could get written up for a few things and these were always detentions of sorts. usually they were lunch but if you were bad enough you’d get an after school one. i accumulated these almost once a day and after a while i got tired of having my parents sign them EVERY SINGLE day and just forged their signatures. i got away with that like 75% of the time lol 

like they were just for the same shit ‘oh ur kid didnt do their homework blah blah ur kids out of dress code blah blah” and so i was just “whatever” because like... nothing seemed to change i was just being perpetually punished for being unable to keep up in my studies. my parents tried to get a math tutor for me but halfway thru i think freshman year she moved and that was that

i got so fucking sick of just being behind while my other peers seemed to be moving forward that i started bullshitting my work just to get thru. ofc that didnt do anything because i wasnt learning the work, and because i lied about my answers and cheated i got punished again. and i was just like “whatever” 

i cried all the time. parent teacher conferences were hell. i always cried. it felt like i couldnt convey to them why i was such a fuckup. like i wasnt making sense, or i was being overemotional. instead of trying to make changes they just talked about how i had to work harder. least i think. i’ll be honest i always just disassociated during those meetings before going into meltdown mode.

on top of that, i was in a “gay” relationship with a classmate, and lots of bad stuff happened. ive always had an overactive imagination. great for being a wannabe artist. not so great when youre already an easily manipulated undiagnosed autistic child. me, her, and my current gf actually had our own little world! thinking back on this now, for me at least it was escapism to try and just cope with how miserable i was at school 

i dont know how soon in the “relationship” it was before things got sexual. my concept of time during those years at foursquare is so scattered. according to posts ive seen on dA me and her were together or at least “friends” for 2 years? so actually i think my saying “freshman year in high school” is inaccurate and things got bad the tail end of middle school and continued until i was a sophomore before switching schools.

ANYWAY, so yeah, along with all this school nonsense, i was in a gay relationship, one that was abusive in many aspects. ofc at the time i didnt know that i was being abused! i just thought yknow her forcing herself into me sexually was kinda par the course and i was already kinda a sexually curious kid growing up so like.. i was looking for that i guess? it hurting cuz she went in dry is just to be expected, yadda yadda. pretty sure i cried? and i know for a fact that i still sleep in the room where she raped me like that and its sometimes just “yea i was literally right in that spot when i was raped lol”

and she would constantly want me to touch her sexually too, and when i said “no” and pulled my hand away that she had been trying to force down her pants because i wasnt personally ready to do that she’d always complain and make me feel bad cuz i wasnt comfortable touching her. “i always get you off but you never get me off!” 

and at the time i didnt just tell her to fuck off cuz i didnt know any better. i didnt know that it was ok for me to not be ready to do that. i thought i was a bad person for not being ready to pleasure my partner, even tho its not my fault if shes ok w/ pleasuring me, and im ok with being pleasured (even tho tbh it was hit or miss sometimes she just did it lol), but im not ready to touch her, i guess? and like i tried to communicate with her and im pretty sure i told her that if she didnt wanna jerk me off cuz i couldnt do it to her yet that was fine but whatever

on the fourth of july she started groping me out in public while we watched the fireworks and i remember trying to get her to stop cuz i wasnt comfy with doing this in public cuz a) this was years ago and homophobia was a lot more common especially in this boonies town and b) i dont like seeing other couples being handsy in public so i dont want to be handsy in public either

and i remember while shes groping my chest and im trying to get her to stop theres this group of older kids in front of us and they see. and they start snickering. they started snickering at the sight. and i was so mortified and wanted to die.

looking back those kids should get hit by a fucking bus for laughing at someone getting molested and being obviously uncomfortable with it but i guess its funny cuz “lesbians! haha look at that pervy lesbo touching that other lesbian!”

and thats the story of why every fourth of july i want to kill myself

things kept progressing, ofc. i remember one night, while we were camping, i finally caved and fingered her. i forced myself to think “yeah ok i can do this” and i just thought the crippling anxiety i felt was cuz i was nervous to be intimate with my girlfriend for the first time like this, but really i was probably scared she was gonna hurt me since by that point she had. she had made herself perfectly clear in her mannerisms and tone of voice that she was stronger and bigger than me and could hurt me. 

and a few occasions she did. one time she started choking me so badly that i honestly thought “oh my god, shes going to kill me here at school”. i still sometimes feel her nails digging into my throat, and i dont think ive ever been as terrified in my life as i was in that moment. i dont think she would have stopped had a teacher not intervened. 

there was only one time i ever hit her, and that was before school started, and i had finally lost my shit over how much she kept fucking with me. all i remember was i came to school angry at her. over what i dont remember. she was always toying with my emotions, and i think that it had built up over the time that i finally snapped walked into class before school started, walked over to where she and alyss were talking, and a slapped her across the face before i walked over to my desk

i dont think i got in trouble for that cuz no one snitched? idk i mightve, but i didnt care. i was angry at her, angry at the school, and suicidal. 

i remember one time during a break i was crying. a teacher from another class came up to me and asked what was wrong. i told her i wanted to die. she just looked at me all uncomfortable. i think she mightve said something before walking off?

nothing came of that. 

i was more worried that i would get in trouble for being in a gay relationship than as apposed to thinking that these teachers- people who are supposed to protect their students- would help me. i gave up on them even recognizing the signs of me being abused. i feel like they wouldnt have even taken it as seriously as we were both “girls”, and this was back before talk of how women can be abusive was more common place. abuse was still strictly seen as male on female violence. and to some people, gay violence was comedic. 

eventually, one night, it all came to light. at least, that she and i were sexually involved. that week was a blur. she was taken out of school. it was brushed under the rug. everyone trying to save face i guess and keep other kids from finding out, but somehow i always felt like they knew. they knew that she was taken out of school because of me. because we were gay

i tried to move on, but my studies never got better. i just grew more jaded. i never did any work. i mouthed off to the teachers, continued getting detentions and just plainly stopped caring. no one could get me to do anything. i would play hooky. 

and that was just.... my life. perpetual anger at a system that failed me spectacularly. to this day i still hate that place. i cant be there. i was groped and molested and it was treated like nothing

so yeah

thanks for listening to my ted talks