#a chin flick? a crazy ass flirty line and a wink?????

[extremelybabygirl]

did he just...???? FUCKING WINK??????

[jesbakescookies]

Too Hot To Handle: Chapter Twenty Six

So I kinda wrote a different kind of fanfiction. It’s nothing as in depth as my other fics so I am going to post it here. ENJOY!!***Actor, Real Person Fanfiction, Walking Dead RPF***Featuring: Jeffrey Dean Morgan X Original Female Character, Norman Reedus and others.. (FYI this is total fiction, as in I know nothing about JDMs life or that of his real SO and son etc. Because of this, for this work of fiction, they don’t exist. Jeffrey’s been a typical actor playboy dating fellow stars etc. This is written for sick daydreaming pleasure.)

Aria St. James is a busy woman with a thriving restaurant. She thought she had everything she needed until a few famous faces visit her dining room. A tall, dark and handsome actor decides Aria’s just what he’s been looking for.

Rating: Mature : NSFW **dirty dirty**

I don't have a masterlist for this fic yet but if you go to tags and choose Too Hot To Handle, it will pull them all up. Thanks! 

Jeffrey was definitely up to something, Aria could see it in his eyes and the subtle nervousness in his fidgeting fingers. She caught him flicking a zippo, while gazing off in thought, the metal tapping against his palm. His gaze would slide to her and there would be something under those hooded eyes, something soft, yet resolute. 

Aria wasn't going to ask though. Megan had implanted a horrible, hope causing seed in her brain that could destroy her if she began to dream about the what ifs. 'Aria, he's totally going to ask you. Even Randy thinks so and he's as observant as my grandmother's blind bassett hound. By the end of this vacation you'll either be engaged or knocked up. Hell maybe both.' Her best friend wagered while speaking with Aria as she packed. With his mysterious errand that morning, Aria was beyond paranoid by his skittish behavior but she wasn't going to think about that little tidbit burrowing into her subconscious like a fast growing root. She wasn't going to get her hopes up only to have them dashed. Peeking over her book, she watched as Jeffrey leaned against the deck rail, all long limbs and handsome angles. A cigarette rested lazily between his lips, smoke trailing out in steady increments. His lighter was twirled between two fingers, as he stared out at the coming waves. He'd been smoking more despite his claim to be cutting back and she couldn’t help but ponder why. She wouldn't admit it got her wet to watch though, the masculinity of it making her thighs tighten.  Everything he did got her hot under the collar. Pulling the cigarette away from his lips, he worried the end of it with his thumb, flicking ash into the wind. His eyes flickered to her for a moment, a twitch of a smile curling his lip. Yeah, Jeffrey was definitely up to something.

"You don't have to cook. We should go check out one of the little places in town." Jeffrey offered, his eyebrows rose as he watched her peer into the refrigerator. Glancing at him over her shoulder, Aria asked, "Is there any Italian?" Jeffrey smirked at her, his eyes twinkling, "As a matter of fact there is." Narrowing her eyes slightly at the humored twist to his lips, she couldn't help but prod, "Oh so you were in town earlier?" Clearing his throat, he shrugged nonchalantly and replied, "I drove through to see what they had. I don't want you cooking the whole time." "I don't mind cooking." "I know you don't mind, I mind." He huffed, his eyes squinting slightly as if trying to find the way to say what he was thinking. "I want to take care of you, I can cook but fuck no am I cooking for you. You'll laugh, so I wanna take you out." "One I wouldn't laugh, two I'm far too controlling in the kitchen to let you fuck anything up and three, you're very sweet to me and I love you." "That last one doesn't seem to fit with the reasons I can cook for you." "It's the most important out of all three though." Jeffrey leaned forward and kissed her forehead. "My sweet fucking girl." He murmured as he cupped her elbows, her hands resting against his chest. "What would you like me to wear?" Aria asked, "is it fancy or relaxed?" "Relaxed, it's a little beach community." "Perfect." Pulling back, she hopped up to kiss his chin before sauntering off with a flirty look over her shoulder. "No funny business mister," she teased as he checked out her ass with a cocked head. "I'm hungry." "So am I." He grumbled, his dark, hooded eyes consuming her as she bit her lip coyly and entered the bedroom.

The little family owned Italian cafe was something straight out of Italy. Aria's eyes lit up when she saw the plates of fresh pasta coming out of the kitchen. "Oooh, they have some really classic dishes here." She murmured, her eyes scanning the little menu. Glancing up at Jeffrey when he didn't reply, she found him peering at her with soft eyes, his lips tugging into a smile. "What?" "You're just so fucking adorable."

"I'm just reading the menu." She commented with a roll of her shy eyes. 

"Sweetpea, you could read the phone book and I'd find it adorable and probably a little hot." Snickering, she reached across the table and wove her fingers through his. "I'm pretty sure you could do the same and I'd soak myself through." Growling at her, she felt his fingers flex and his leg nudge its way between hers. "Doll don't tempt me to pull you out of here and feed you something else." "Good evening." A voice broke the lust filled trance they had with each other. "Hi there." Jeffrey turned, his grin flashing at the young woman standing nearby with a note pad. "Oh my god." She gasped, her hand going over her mouth before she squealed and bounced on her toes. "It's you." "It's me." Jeffrey replied, his voice tighter but only enough for Aria to notice. He never took any discomfort out on his fans, the man was always friendly and understanding. Squeezing his fingers she gave him a calming look, the woman knowing he was going to feel terrible if their dinner out in the world turned into a media fiasco. "Marcella." An old woman spoke from the kitchen, the tone disapproving. "Sorry grandma." She instantly replied, her eyes flicking to the couple. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to freak out, it just surprised me. I'm a big fan of the show." "It's alright darlin'." Jeffrey responded with his usual grace. “Thank you.” "I won't be all crazy, I swear." The girl chattered, her eyes moving to Aria's. "You're so lucky." Aria snorted, her eyes going to Jeffrey before teasing, "I don't know, he does snore awfully loud." "Hey now." He grunted, his eyes narrowing playfully. "You're gonna start some horrible rumor in the tabloids." "Rumor?" She scoffed with a twitching smile. "Try stating a fact to make society aware of the growing threat to the nations sleep schedules." Jeffrey glared at her but she could see his lips twitching at her ribbing. "I think I need some wine." Aria laughed, her eyes shining at his grumpy frown as she squeezed his knee under the table. "Wine sounds great, can we get a bottle of something red?" "Of course. I'll be right back with that and to take your order." "Thanks darlin'." Jeffrey rasped, his lips twitching as the girl bounced away. Aria sipped her water before asking, "What are you getting?" "I'm sorry." He murmured, leaning forward to speak quietly. "If you want to go-." "I don't." She replied, squeezing his thigh. "I'm fine Jeff. Let's enjoy a meal." Nodding, he sat back and replied to her previous question. "I was thinking you could order for me. You know what I like." Grinning at him, Aria quipped, "Am I paying too?" "Obviously. If you want me to put out after you being so mean to me." Snorting, she replied, "the only thing I'm doing is letting the fan girls know you're not perfect." "Lies. I know you think I'm perfect." He teased, grinning at her with a wink. Blushing at his words, Aria shrugged, "I don't know what you're talking about."

After a dinner of classic Italian dishes, Aria spoke to the grandmother and grandfather in Italian about the old country. She kept catching Jeffrey watching her with a smirk on his lips and a twinkle in his eyes. Aria wasn't sure what he found so amusing or entertaining but he seemed to like her speaking a foreign language. She made a mental note to try it in bed and see what would happen. Eventually the couple headed out to their car, Jeffrey pausing at the passenger door as he unlocked the car. Leaning down he kissed her soft and sweetly. “I love you, you know?” he rasped, his breath warm on her face. “I do and I love you too.” She replied in Italian, her breath quickening as his gaze darkened at her words, his hand brushing hair from her face.  Crowding her into the passenger door, Jeffrey tucked his face into her neck and whispered, “I’m going to bend you over the hood of my car if you keep that up sweetpea.” “Oh yeah? Why’s that?” she continued in Italian, her lip bitten between her teeth as he gripped her ass and yanked her against his front. “Am I turning you on?” “Fuck.” He grunted, sucking her ear lobe into his mouth. “Doll. I’m serious. I’ll fuck you right here. Right fucking now.” Smirking at him, she murmured, “Take me home, love.” Jeffrey kissed her deeply, his hands gripping the car behind her. “Get. In.”

Aria couldn’t sleep and she didn’t know why. They had a wonderful evening filled with good food and amazing fucking sex but after Jeffrey passed out, Aria laid there wide eyed and awake. After tossing and turning, she eventually crawled from bed and headed outside to the deck. The waves lapping on the shore were mesmerizing and tugged her towards them. She wandered down the long pathway lined with grass and found herself sitting above the shoreline. 

The moon above was full, giving the evening a strange luminescence, the waves glowing and the skies twinkling. Wrapping her arms around her bent knees, Aria stared out at the dark seas. She’d never expected her life to turn in such a different direction. One moment she was fulfilled by work, her restaurant the only partner she needed. Jeffrey was a surprising twist in her normally boring life and now that he was in it, she couldn’t picture it without him. “What’re you doin’ out here sweetheart?” a gruff voice floated from the pathway. Aria turned and watched as Jeffrey sauntered towards her seated position in just a pair of lounge pants. Smiling softly, she replied, “Couldn’t sleep.” “Something wrong?” Jeffrey asked, sitting behind her to frame her body with his long legs and thick arms. Pulling her back into his bare chest, he wrapped his arms around her legs and nuzzled his face into her neck. “No, just… thinking.” Jeffrey hummed lowly, his ribs vibrating with the sound. “What’s on your mind beautiful?” Smiling at his gravelly voice and sweet pet name. “You.” “Me huh?” he asked, his lips brushing the soft skin behind her ear. “Good stuff?” “Everything about you is good stuff.” Aria murmured, tilting her head further to give him more access. The drag of his tongue along the joint of her jaw to the shell of her ear had Aria sinking backwards into his chest with a moan. “Sweetest girl I know.” Jeffrey rasped, his hands stroking her arms and legs before sliding along her stomach and breasts. “I’m gonna make you feel so good.” “Oh yeah?” she breathed, her eyes fluttering closed as he brushed his nose along her neck while inhaling deeply. “Yeah but I gotta ask you something first.” The rough cadence caused goosebumps to breakout along her shoulder.  Humming in response, Aria tilted her face to kiss the underside of his jaw. “Ask away handsome.” Lifting his hand for her to see, she noticed metal glinting between his finglers and felt her breath hitch. The shiny ring pressed between his fingers seemed brighter than possible in just the moonlight but there it was, blinding her like the sun. “Will you be mine?” Smiling slowly at the boyish words and grin she felt pressed into the side of her neck, Aria leaned her head against his cheek and nodded.  “Yes, yes I will Mr. Morgan.” A gruff laugh rumbled against her back as he squeezed her against his front. Raising her hand, Jeffrey held it with one hand while the other slid the ring on her finger. “Mmm. That is a sight to see dollface.” Turning around to straddling his hips, Aria peered down at him with a crooked smile. “Was this your secret mission?” Snickering, Jeffrey lay back with one arm behind his head. Aria rest her left hand on his chest and took in the sight of the ring, her pleased eyes finding his hooded gaze. Curling his hand over hers, she watched him brush his thumb across the ring and replied, “I’ve been thinking about asking you for a while now. Feels right.” Biting her lip, Aria leaned down and kissed him slowly, her hips rolling against him as he hardened. “God baby.” He groaned into her mouth while thrusting upwards. “Feel so good.” “You too.” She moaned as he grabbed her ass and rut into her. “You’re gonna be mine?” “Yes.” She gasped as his hands squeezed her breast and rubbed her nipples teasingly. “Yeah, you are.” Jeffrey panted, reaching up to bury a hand in her hair and pull her mouth to his. “All mine.”

Find Chapter Twenty Seven Here:

http://jesbakescookies.tumblr.com/post/164082993296/too-hot-to-handle-chapter-twenty-seven

I started posting this fic over on AO3 also. I will probably post in both places since I’m still figuring out AO3 formatting etc.

Let me know if you’d like to be tagged for updates. I’ll try my best to remember!

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[nialledfromfics]

Saw Him First

Chapter Eighteen

The club was sticky hot, glued to my skin as the humid air swarmed around me in a clouded haze that was generously filled with cigarette smoke. The music was loud, almost too loud to hear my own thoughts as I slipped through the crowds to find myself a little spot next to the bar. I let out a heavy breath, the anxiety shooting through my veins faster than the thumping that I felt in the soles of my feet from the rhythmic beat of the blaring music.

previous chapters

My brown eyes scanned the large heavily packed room, people dancing like crazy, chatting and laughing and bumping into me as they rushed passed with their friends and lovers. I felt wildly out of place, my feet stumbling backwards out of the way until my back hit against the edge of the bar. I swallowed hard and slowly peered down at the open toes of my heels. What was I even doing here? By myself? Was I fucking crazy? My eyes fell closed for a minute in a slightly defeated sigh as I reached up to run my fingertips across the dewy skin of my forehead. Feeling a body push next to me with a loud cackle, my hand swung out to steady myself as I glanced over to see a girl with long blonde hair turn her back to me, her ass practically knocking me over.

I rolled my eyes, letting out an excessive scoff and slid down the bar a bit, shaking my head at myself. This was pointless, I totally wasn’t ready for this. I had just moved to London, all alone and really I just wanted to meet people, put myself out there. But all of this was a bit overwhelming for me. And I had a feeling that anyone I would possibly meet tonight in this club, probably wouldn’t be the person I was hoping for.

“You look like you could use a drink?”

My stare shot over to my right, mouth a bit slack as I settled my eyes on a tall lanky black haired guy that had wormed his way in next to me. He had blue eyes, from what I could tell, and a dark wiry looking moustache. Oh no. I pulled in a breath, running my fingers through my hair as I quickly racked my brain to find an excuse, any excuse. I had read about the many ways to ward off unsolicited men before, and well, I guess now was my chance to prove myself.

Forcing a smile, I dropped my eyes from his for a moment as I glanced around the room, pretending to search for someone. “Um, no, that’s okay, I’m, uh, I’m just waiting for my friends,” I spit out to him, raising my voice a little so he was able to hear me. “They should be here any second.”

I sensed him lean towards me a bit, and I glared over at him through the corners of my eyes as my heart started to seize up in my chest. “C’mon, love, one drink won’t hurt ya. Let a real man take care of you.”

My brows knitted as I blew a low snort out of my mouth. Is this guy serious? “No,” I said as firm as I could, a slight crack in my voice making it evident that I was still a bit nervous as I shook my head. “No thank you, I’m fine. I just want to wait for my friends.”

I tried to scoot myself away from him, basically plastering myself up against the girl next to me. The guy rolled his eyes and slapped his hand down on the edge of the bar. “You’re never gonna get laid if you can’t even let a bloke buy you a damn drink,” he slurred out, shaking his head as he turned around to push himself through the crowd, finally walking away. “Fucking prude.”

Letting out a short sigh of relief, my eyes went big for a moment as I glanced back down at the floor. What an asshole! I thought, reaching up to tuck some hair behind my ear, but he has a point. I gotta put myself out there more and I am never going to meet anyone if I keep pushing people away.

Seeing the group of girls next to me finally get their drinks and walk off, I felt like I could breathe again as I raised my chin up and let myself scan the large room one more time. Okay, the next guy who wants to buy me a drink, I’m just going to let him. What’s the harm right?

Crossing my arm over my chest, I bit at my lip a little as my eyes glanced over the hoards of people, mostly drunk and dancing, drinks sloshing in their hands and I couldn’t help but let out a little laugh as my fingers nervously twirled at the ends of my dark hair. Moving my stare over to my left, I smiled as I watched a guy start doing the robot, clearly trying to impress a group of girls standing near him but looking like a total knob instead.

A laugh slipped past my lips at his clearly intoxicated behavior – because no one in their lucid mind would ever do the robot to impress some chicks – as my eyes moved past him and quickly caught the stare of someone else. My breath hitched in the back of my throat, my fingers stalling in the slight twist of my hair as his eyes fixated right at mine. He had what looked like bleached blonde hair, a bit messy and roughly styled and really gorgeous soft looking pale skin. He wasn’t very tall, not compared to the guy standing next to him, but he carried himself well. Well enough that you knew that wouldn’t ever be an issue. He was dressed smart, nice pair of jeans and a button down, with one hand pushed into his pants pocket and a drink gripped in the other as he stood with, what seemed to be, one of his mates.

My eyes went big as he gave me a smile, the kind of smile that made the heat pulse to your cheeks and I swallowed hard at the feeling as I dropped my stare down to the floor. My eyes darted back and forth for a second, trying to make sense of the strange feeling that was quickly building in my chest before I forced myself to glance back up at him. He had turned his attention back to his mate, the colored strobing lights of the dancefloor bouncing off his profile as he brought his glass up to his mouth to take a sip. He wasn’t less than twenty feet away from me and pretty much lost in the crowds, but it was as if I had somehow zeroed in on him, the blur of people as they passed between us almost dissipating into the dark of the club. I watched as he threw his head back in a laugh, a weird little spark whirling in my tummy as his mouth went wide and the sound practically shot straight through the loudness of the music.

I was staring, full on stalker like staring at this point and I choked back a breath as he quickly flicked his eyes back over to me. I gasped under my breath as my stare slipped away from his as fast as I could before I forced myself to shyly glance back over to him. He was still looking at me, eyes literally boring into mine and I gave him a smile, a genuine smile, that was quickly reciprocated. He tipped his head at me in a soft nod, his brow quirking as a smirk tugged at the corner of his lips.

Giggling slightly at how cute he was, I was momentarily broken from my flirty daze and whipped my head to the right as I felt a body slide up against me, totally catching me off guard. The guy smiled down at me before turning his back to me, focusing on his lady friend that was with him. I licked across my lips and pressed them in a line, my attention being shook as I heard a deep voice ring out over the blare of the music.

Shooting my eyes over, I felt my breath stall in my chest as I peered up at the dark haired guy in front of me. He was absolutely gorgeous. The kind of gorgeous that made you wonder how God could have created such a handsome man. Deep soulful brown eyes, beautiful full lips and just a hint of dark stubble lining over his jaw. He was well dressed and his hair nicely coiffed. I hadn’t even heard what he had said, and as I stared at him, I found it hard to form any words.

He gave me a short chuckle, slowly leaning his body into me to press his mouth by my ear. “Wondering if I could buy you a drink?” he asked me, my eyes fluttering from the warmth of his breath on my skin. Swallowing a bit, I pulled in some much needed air before easing my stare over to where the blond boy had been standing. He was still there; standing and intently watching me, watching this guy trying to chat me up. His eyes caught mine for a second as he raised his glass to his lips, steadily downing the rest of his drink. I shot him another smile as he finished his drink and brought his chin back down, but he didn’t smile back at me this time. He just kinda...stared.

Dropping my stare, I slipped my attention back to the guy that stood in front of me as he had pulled back slightly to look at me, patiently waiting for my answer. Drawing in a settling breath, I couldn’t fight off the noticeable feeling of calm that had suddenly overcome me and I let a soft smile pull across my painted lips. I didn’t know this guy, but something in me wanted to know him. “I’d love a drink,” I said, darting my brown eyes with his.

“Sweet,” he said, giving me a wink, “I’m Liam, by the way.”

My eyes popped open in a gasp, my body tensing up as I struggled to focus in the pitch dark of my living room. My breath stuck thick in my lungs and I tried to swallow, the dryness eating at the inside of my mouth. “I saw him first,” I blurted out, my eyes immediately beginning to water as they darted through the blackness of the room. I curled my fingers into the material of the blue hoodie, wrapping it tighter around my body as I pulled my knees closer to my chest. “I-...I saw him first,” I repeated into the stark quiet. “Oh my God.”

My dream, my mind shooting back to that very first night that I had met Liam, a time that I had really never gone back to and dissect, made me realize exactly what had happened that night. I had seen Niall first. The same way he had seen me, I had seen him. I saw him and smiled at him, I felt the butterflies for him, even back then.

How did I not remember that?

‘Holy shit’ were the only words I could muster as my eyes slowly fluttered back closed, my body turning and nestling deeper into the couch. “I saw him first…”

I ran my hand over my face, pulling in a deep breath as I tried to settle the tears that had started to bubble up hot in the back of my throat and sting their way to the rims of my eyes. My heart sank in my chest as my face buried into the pillow of the sofa, my jittery fingers swiping under my eyes. Tugging the collar of the hoodie up around the side of my face, I nuzzled my nose down into the fabric, the tiniest hint of his scent still stuck in the soft material. I breathed in deep, my lungs filling with the barely there smell of him that was left as I felt the tears slip over my cheeks.

I saw him first.

I heard my alarm going off by the side of the bed, the incessant sound ringing in and out of my ears. Burying my face under the warmth and comfort of the covers, I grumbled lightly as my body slowly began to wake up, barely sticking my hand out to clumsily shut off the alarm. I took in a deep breath, eyes still pressed shut in attempt to sleep as long as possible before my mind suddenly remembered the dream that had woken me up in the middle of the night.

My brows knitted as the thoughts came crashing back to me, knowing that it wasn’t just a dream, but a revelation of reality. Niall was so clear in telling me that he had seen me first that night, that he was the one who pointed me out to Liam and all the while I didn’t even realize that I had seen him first too. We had had a moment, Niall and I, before I even met Liam and it fucking killed me that after all this time, I hadn’t even remembered it. I was so caught up in Liam, so in love with him, that I never even put two and two together from that night. I didn’t meet Niall until a week or so after the night of the club, so knowing that I was already so deeply entranced by Liam that I didn’t even remember Niall from that night, it was too much to bear. The thought that Niall had to see that, stand there and silently watch as Liam, his best mate, successfully pulled the girl that he had just had a moment with and then go on to date her for years...it tore at my insides like a rusty knife, jabbing and twisting until there was nothing left. What if it had been Niall that night? What if he had been the one to come talk to me instead of Liam? Would things be different? Would I...would I be dating Niall right now?

What if Niall was the one I was meant to be with all along?

So many what ifs and no fucking answers.

Tossing the covers aside, I begrudgingly got myself out of the bed with a huff, the unclear thoughts of my dream plaguing me and already putting a bad taste in my mouth. Not a good way to start the day. Straightening out my loose t-shirt, I brushed the mess of tangled hair off the front of my face as I stumbled out towards the kitchen, my overly tired eyes still half closed but following the sounds of Liam as he fumbled around with his breakfast.

“Morning, love,” he greeted me, the sound muffled by my insuppressible groans. I had barely gotten any sleep, and I was definitely paying the price now.

“Hey,” I managed to mumble back, tucking my wild hair behind my ear as I slid past him over to the stove top to put the kettle on. He gave me an amused snort as he stepped over to me and pressed a kiss to my check.

“You look...a bit worn out,” he commented as he pulled away. I shot my narrowed eyes over to him, darting them across his face. He quirked his brow with a shrug of his shoulders and I rolled my eyes as I tipped my face back down towards the kettle, patiently waiting for the water to boil.

“How nice of you to notice...”

He let out another chuckle before turning back to the counter where he was gathering up his things for the day. “Got work today?”

“Um, yeah,” I said with a sigh, raking my fingers through the front of my hair “Go in at 10–”

“Oh, before I forget,” he interjected as he shoved a few loose files into his bag, “my parents and some of my family are coming in this weekend, to go over some...wedding plans and stuff.” The words stopped me dead in my tracks, my chest tightening as my mind began to race.

My hand paused briefly as I had been reaching for a mug from the cabinet before I spun myself around to look at him. “It’s...it’s only been a month, Liam,” I told him, my head ticking over to the side as I stared at the back of his head. “I thought…I thought we were just...ya know, throwing ideas out there right now.”

He flicked his stare to me over his shoulder. “Yeah, but we already talked about this, Dessie,” he continued, turning his body all the way around to face me. “We’re getting married as soon as possible, so that means we have to get going on the planning. No more ‘just throwing ideas out there’, we need to get the ball rolling. Besides, I thought we could have a nice dinner on Sunday….celebrate the engagement with everyone and all.”

I felt the air pinch in my lungs and I dragged my stare away from his, slowly letting my eyes fall to where my hands were loosely crossed in front of me. A glint from the ring caught my attention and I swallowed hard as I pressed my lips in a line and flicked my head back up to look at him. “Okay, yeah, of course,” I said, giving him a smile.

He breathed out a smile in return before reaching out and cupping around the back of my neck, tugging me towards him into a kiss. My eyes squeezed shut as his lips pressed roughly to mine, my hands sliding up to wrap around the sides of his torso just as he moved his mouth away and up to my forehead, pushing another small kiss to my skin.

“Alright, love, gotta get to class,” he muttered as he dropped his hand from me and grabbed his bag and travel mug from off the counter. “Remember,” he called out as he rushed towards the front door, “parents coming in on Friday, don’t make any other plans.”

Rolling my lips in my mouth, I quietly nodded my head and watched him as he walked out the front door, shutting it behind him. Letting my eyes fluttered closed, I ran a hand over the front of my face, a deep sigh spilling from my lips as I bent over and plopped my elbows onto the countertop. I dropped my head into my hands, my palms curling around the sides of my face as my fingers tangled into my dark hair, the frustration from everything weighing heavily with each passing minute. I didn’t even know what I was doing anymore. What am I fucking doing?

The sound of the kettle boiling made me practically jump out of my skin and I popped my head up as I turned to grab a mug from the shelf. I had gotten in so much deeper than I even realized with Liam, deeper than I had intended to at this point and I had know idea how I was going to get myself out of it. Or if I truly even wanted to.

I made it to work on time and for the life of me I don’t even know how. I knew I hadn’t been my best lately, basically since Liam proposed, and I was struggling with trying to keep my emotions and all my personal problems with Liam and Niall at a minimum, but I didn’t realize that it had actually started to affect my work. Clients began to notice, commenting on how I wasn’t as focused and chipper as I usually was or that I just seemed to have a sad aura about me. I played it off as best I could, shooting off their claims as absurdities, but it wasn’t until Elise had come up to me later that very night as we were closing up, that I really felt like I just couldn’t hide it all anymore.

Something inside me just couldn’t keep it bottled up; all these intense feelings and thoughts I had constantly surging through me, the complete unsurity of what was about to happen in my life. I really had no one to talk to, no one to tell me that I was crazy and I needed to stop being silly and just move on with my life with Liam. I just needed someone to listen, to tell me what I should do.

Elise suggested that we go get a drink after work, telling me that she didn’t know what was going on with me, but I looked like I just needed to let off some steam. I agreed, hoping that maybe a drink would calm my nerves and push back all the worrisome thoughts a bit.

“Are you okay, Dessie, you really…you’re just starting to worry me a bit.”

My cheek was resting in the cup of my palm as I stared down at my drink, slowly swirling the tiny straw around in the clear liquid. Gin and Tonic. Sure to wash away the troubles. Taking a deep breath, I glanced up at her as she sat across from me at the booth, her arms slung over the edge of the wooden table as a concerned look pulled over her face. “C’mon, we both know you haven’t been yourself lately. Everybody can see it,” she paused, licking at her lips slightly. “If there is something wrong, you can tell me, ya know? I’m your friend, and I just want what’s best for you–”

“I cheated on Liam.”

I didn’t mean for it to come out like that, hell, I wasn’t even sure that I really even wanted her to know. But the words burst past my lips like an overfilled balloon; popping from the pressure with no way of stopping it. My mouth hung open as I watched her eyes go wide, her body slowly sitting up a bit straighter in her seat. She stared at me for a moment, the look on her face stoic but it was evident that she was very much searching for the right words to say.

She lightly shook her head. “What?” was all she could muster, the words almost choking out before she gathered herself a bit more to continue, her eyes flicking over my face. “When...w-what? With who?”

The questions all came flooding out at once and I gnawed at the corner of my mouth trying to think of a way to explain myself as I carefully sat myself up. “It was um...it was a few months ago,” I told her, my shaky voice shallow in my throat. I paused for a moment, reaching up to nervously comb my fingers through my dark hair and swallowing hard before forcing myself to continue. “And it lasted a little while.”

My eyes flicked off hers like I was almost ashamed of what I was saying, the reality of hearing myself actually talk about it for the first time in months, sitting heavy in my chest. I clasped my hands together in front of me on the table, my fingers intertwining tightly as I tried to figure out what to say to her next.

“So...so you had an affair?” Elise asked, making my focus jolt back to her. My brows knitted slightly at her choice of words, never really thinking of it like that before. I guess...I guess when you fall in love with someone else, it really isn’t just cheating anymore.

“Yeah, I guess...um, I guess I did.”

Her eyes narrowed a bit and she tilted her head, her eyes darting with mine. “But...why?” she asked me, the question making my breath stall in my chest. Why. Why did I cheat on Liam? “I thought...I thought you and Liam were...good?”

I dropped my stare again, fixating on the bubbles floating around in my glass. Good. That word. It could mean so many different things at any given time, but could never really capture the truth of a moment. Yes, Liam and I were good at one point, but then...it just wasn’t anymore. And I got tired of trying to pretend it was. “I-...I don’t know,” I said softly, shrugging a shoulder. I brought my hand up to rub across my damp forehead as I shakily looked back up at her. “At first I thought I was just looking for something that, I don’t know, I...I guess I thought I was missing. And then it just kinda...took on a life of its own and I couldn't....God, I couldn’t stop it,” I could feel the tears wanting to settle in my eyes and I desperately held them back, not wanting to break down in front of her. “Elise, I’m not even sure that I wanted it to stop. I was feeling things that I had never felt before...he just...he made me feel so alive and he made me realize that I was...I was missing something. I just, um...oh God, I don’t know…”

I watched as her face softened a bit, her body relaxing as she let out a breath that she seemed to have been holding the entire time. “Are you...are you two still...”

“No,” I stated, shaking my head. “Not anymore. Liam caught us.”

“Oh my God, he caught you?” she whispered, leaning a bit further in. “So...so he knows?”

Biting into my bottom lip, my eyes drifted away from hers for a moment to peer around the bar before I slowly nodded my head. “He knows.”

I watched her brow furrow a bit as she cocked her head. “And...and you guys are still getting married?”

Closing my eyes, I let out a soft sigh as I sat back in my chair, my hands dropping into my lap. I eased my stare down to my fingertips, picking gently at the chipped nail polish before I quietly shook my head. “That’s the problem,” I mumbled, “I don’t know if that’s what I really want…”

“Jesus Christ, Dessie,” she said, her voice low as she slumped back in her chair. “Who...who was this guy? Was he just some random–”

“It was Niall,” I blurted out, his name stinging on my tongue as that had to be the first time in ages that I had said his name aloud to another person. I glanced up at her, certain I would be met with a look of pure confusion and surprise. I was right.

“Ni-...Niall. Like..your mate, Niall? Like the Niall…”

Swallowing hard, my jaw clenched as I shakily nodded my head. Her eyes flicked off mine as she peered down at her lap, and I could tell she probably had a million different thoughts rolling around in her head. “I thought you said he was seeing someone?” she questioned, clearing her throat and glancing back up at me. I let out a sigh, pressing my lips in a line as I darted my stare with hers. I watched as her eyes grew big once again, her mouth parting slightly. “Oh my God, you were that someone…”

“I know how it looks, Elise and I’m...I’m so sorry,” I said to her, leaning closer into the table as I let my stare flick over her face. “I never meant to lie to you or to anyone, I just...when I’m with him my mind...my everything just falls to mush and I can’t think straight or control myself and I just...I never meant to hurt anyone, I swear…”

“I wasn’t expecting that, for it to be him,” she mumbled, looking down at her drink, “I really don’t know what to say...”

“I love him, Elise.”

Her eyes flicked back up to mine, her brows knitting. “I’m sure Liam knows you love him, Dessie, people make mistakes–”

“No. I love Niall.” My words cut her off, silencing her as she just stared at me. “I’m in love with Niall.”

I said it. I actually said the words out loud. To someone. The feelings I had been sequestering for far longer than I probably knew, were finally out there, floating around the infinite space that surrounded us and able to be heard by anyone. Except for the one person that I so desperately wanted to hear them.

“How, um, how does Niall feel about you?” Elise asked, her voice calm.

“He loves me,” I squeaked out on the verge of tears, hearing myself say it just made it harder to think about. “He wants to be with me. He’s been in love with me for so long now and...he’s not pressuring me to do anything. He...he wants me to make up my own mind, ya know, figure it all out on my own, but...I love him. I know I do. I just, um, now I’ve chosen Liam over him...again, and I can’t just keep running back and forth and fucking with his emotions like that, ya know. It’s not fair to Niall, he doesn’t deserve that.”

My eyes pressed closed as I felt the hot tears build behind my eyelids, a huff pushing past my lips as I threw my elbows onto the edge of the table and cradled the front of my face in my palms. “God, how did I get myself into this!” I continued through the oncoming tears, my voice muffled against the skin of my palms. “I’m trying...I’m trying so hard to make it work with Liam, ya know, I do love-...a part of me does love him.”

I shook my head slightly, taking a second to gather my breaths. “I just…I can’t go a second without thinking about Niall, without wanting to be with him. Missing him and being with him and that’s not fair to anybody. It's not fair to Liam or me...or Niall.” I peeked between my hands at her, her mouth parted as she listened to me and I struggled to continue through my tears. “I don’t know what to do, Elise, I don’t know...what to do! I don’t want to hurt anybody but...I’m just...in the end I’m just hurting myself!”

The tears couldn’t be tamed any longer, my shoulders slumping forward as they shook through my cries, my face burying into my clammy palms. I had no idea that I would fall apart like this, especially in front of Elise. I felt like a complete fool. Here I was crying like an idiot in the middle of a fucking bar over some stupid boys. Never in my life would I think I would ever be here.

I felt the warmness of Elise’s hands as she slid them over my shoulders, having got up and walked over to me to gently pull me into a hug. “Oh, Dessie, it will be okay. It’s gonna be okay.”

Her words were sweet as she tried to console me and I sniffed back my tears, trying my damnedest to pull myself together. I wiped the tears off my cheeks with the back of my hands, Elise handing me a few napkins off the table to fix my slightly smeared mascara. She stood next to me, her hand rubbing circles on my back as I swiped the napkin under my eyes and shook my head at myself. The more I thought about it all and the more I tried to hold back the tears, the more they wanted to come.

“Listen, Dessie,” she spoke up after a few moments as I curled the napkin in my fist and dropped it to my lap, slowly looking up at her, “I can’t tell you want to do, shit, I don’t know what you should do, but speaking as your friend, you have to tell Liam how you really feel. You have to.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, my chin trembling as I flicked my eyes away from her. “You can’t marry a man just because you don’t want to hurt his feelings. I mean, honestly, do you really want to spend your life with him if...if you’re in love with someone else?”

Shooting my eyes back to hers, I felt a knot twist in my stomach, the air cinching from my lungs as I darted my eyes with hers. She gave me a small empathetic smile, her hand coming over to brush some fallen hair off my shoulder.

“You need to do what’s right for you, Dessie….don’t worry about anyone else.”

I spent the next few days just trying to get everything ready for Liam’s family, the words of Elise still ringing in my ear every time I even thought about him. It had gotten to be too much, the agonizing feelings and the relentless thoughts and the worries, all of it was steadily chipping away at my soul like a sharpened pik on a block of ice.

I had no idea what I was going to do or say to Liam, or even if I was. A part of me just wanted to stay with him. A part of me knew it would just be easier and more comfortable and I knew that in the end we could have a stable life together. Liam loved me.

But then the other part of me, the bigger more overpowering part, just wanted to end it all. To tell him exactly how I felt about Niall and have him understand, truly understand and let me go. Because as much as Liam loved me, I knew that Niall loved me too, maybe even more. And I loved him back just the same.

His parents came in that Friday evening, his grandmother, two aunts and one uncle and his barrage of cousins flying over the next morning. Thankful of our small living space, they were all going to be staying at a local hotel, which was a relief to me. The prospect of having to spend the next three days with the lot of them, truly not one I was really looking forward to but was easily consoled with knowing I wouldn’t have to shelter them all too.

I liked Liam’s family, though it was hard for me to really gauge as I didn’t know them all that well. I had only met them a handful of times over the years, but they seemed very nice and were always super welcoming with me. This time was no different.

We joined his parents for a nice dinner after they had landed in London, taking them to one of their favorite places in the city that they loved to go to when they would visit. It was a rather quiet dinner, a bit of ooh’ing and awe’ing over my ring and the fact that Liam had ‘finally’ popped the question very much the topic of choice, but other than that, it was okay. I felt that maybe this weekend wouldn’t be so bad after all and I knew what it was going to bring; wedding details and lots of proper planning to start, but even so, I wasn’t so sure how to handle it all. Up to this moment, I don’t think I had made one clear and distinct decision regarding this wedding, Liam basically taking full reigns and running with it.

That was okay with me though, because, if I was being completely honest with myself, there was no way I could plan this wedding. No way I actually wanted to plan this wedding. If I even took one second to think about anything that had to do with it, I knew there would be no way I could go through with marrying him in the end.

So, I let him take charge. I let him pick a date and I let him pick out the save-the-date cards. I let him look at venues and flip through magazines looking at dresses. I smiled and nodded and acted like I was interested, but truthfully all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and cry. And I really had no reason as to why I felt that way, except for the fact that deep down I knew he wasn’t the one I should be marrying.

Saturday came and if I hadn’t felt out of place on Friday evening at dinner, then I definitely did then. I wouldn’t even know what to call how I felt with his entire family all up in my business that whole day. We looked at venues, actually going to places to see where we would stand and the guests would sit. We went to reception halls, talking about seating arrangements and DJ’s that Liam was interested in. We went to dress shops, the act of slipping on these meaningless white gowns that his mom and aunts had picked out for me, making my stomach turn. I forced myself to walk out of the dressing rooms, smile plastered on my face as I modeled it for all of them to see. We stopped by the jewelers, matching wedding bands another tick off the check list. Flowers and cake and photographers and catering, it was all…it was all way too much.

I don’t think I spoke more than one word that day, everything being easily masked by a fake smile and an agreeing nod here and there. I went home and crashed, pretty much out like a light by the time Liam had come in and crawled into bed. I heard him mumble good night to me, but I pretended to be asleep, my eyes pressed closed so tight as if I was honestly worried that I would catch a glimpse of him through the tiniest slit in my eyelids.

I awoke the next morning feeling a bit better than the day before, mostly because I knew their visit was almost over and I could finally get back to my normal routine. I just had to get through Sunday dinner.

Liam had told me that it wasn’t much of a big deal, one big gathering of everyone for a meal out at a nice restaurant just to celebrate the engagement. Okay, that I could handle. It’s easy to hold conversation over food. It’s easy to keep oneself preoccupied if need be when you are shoveling food in your face. I could do this. I could get through this meal and then it would be done. I would hopefully not have to deal with them or Liam’s crazy wedding stuff until...well, I guess the wedding day.

But I may have overestimated myself.

The moment I sat down at that table, I had question after question shooting my way. I didn’t even know who to answer first, or how to answer. I was asked about my job, my religion, moving to a new and bigger house, having children...literally everything under the sun. Liam and I hadn’t even discussed half of this stuff and here I was, being hounded by his family about things I had no idea about, things that frankly, I hadn't even thought about with Liam.

I could feel the sweat starting to bead up on my palms and I slowly ran them down over my skirt to wipe it away. I was trying my hardest to stay polite, laughing off the questions I was intent on avoiding as the conversation slowly began to focus back on the wedding again. Even the thought of it, the thought of this single day that would determine the entire rest of my life, the thought of it made a nervous heat begin to build and rise to my cheeks and itch at my skin. My heart was racing as I dodged even more questions, silently agreeing with their suggestions before my attention was shaken by Liam clinking his knife on the side of his glass and standing up from his seat next to me.

My eyes shot up to him, brows knitted as I stared bewildered at the side of his face, a huge smile pulling across his lips as he reached down and grabbed his glass of wine off the table. Clearing his throat, I flicked my eyes over to watch as everyone settled their pleased and happy stares on him and I swallowed hard as he began to speak.

“Dessie and I are so glad that everyone was able to make it here this weekend, some of you I haven’t seen in quite a while. But it was important that we have everyone here, to celebrate with us.”

I sucked in a jagged breath, feeling it rip through my lungs as I slowly shifted my eyes down to my lap, the sound of his voice loud but dispersing in and out of my ears as he spoke. “So, I guess I just wanted to take a moment and thank you all for being here, for helping us and finally getting Dessie on board with marrying me…” My eyes shot up as everyone broke out in a joined fit of laughter and I breathed out a timid smile. Tipping my face back down, I slowly let my eyes fall closed, the sickening feeling swirling in the pit of my stomach as I reached up to tuck some fallen hair behind my ear.

“And I just want to say that I’m thankful for having this gorgeous girl in my life,” Liam continued, his words buzzing through my head like I was piss drunk and couldn’t fully focus. My throat was dry, tightening up around my strained breaths as a chalky taste sat right on the back of my tongue. “She has been everything to me over these last couple years and if it wasn’t for her, I don’t think I would be the man I am today.” Struggling to breathe, my hands slid down my thighs, fingers clawed into my flesh and digging in deep as I parted my lips and forced myself to take in a tiny breath of air. Please stop talking.

“She’s my world, my rock, she knows me better than anyone else...”

My eyes pinched shut as I felt a sharp piercing in my chest, my chin starting to tremble as I tried so hard to block out his words. “Her humor, her liveliness… her honesty…”

God, please fucking stop.

“I don’t know where I would be without her. Probably lost somewhere in this city...”

More laughter. My head was spinning, the room burning like a blazing fire around me as I unknowingly clawed up and down my thighs. He really needs to stop. Right now.

“But really, I just wanted to say that, Dessie, I love you, and I knew from the moment I saw you… that you would be mine–”

Fuck! “Liam, I can’t marry you!”

My eyes shot open, not daring to look up as I stared at the bright red scratches lining up and down the skin of my legs. It was eerily quiet, all eyes fixated at me as I choked back a desperate breath. “I can’t...I can’t marry you,” I said to him again, my voice louder this time.

Shaking my head, I swallowed back the taste of bile that was bubbling up in my throat as I pressed my eyes closed. “How…” I squeaked out, finally turning my head and opening my watery eyes to look up at him. “How can you stand there and pretend like I didn’t fuck your best friend?”

Gasps flew around the table, my words slicing through the silence as I watched Liam’s big brown eyes fall, his face almost expressionless as he peered down at me. Pulling in another breath, I felt the tears already slipping down my cheeks, far too gone to fight them off anymore.

“How can you act like nothing happened...like...like I’m not in love with him and that...that we’re okay?”

My dark eyes darted wild with his, my head shaking as I sucked in a jumbled breath between my cries. “How can you not know how I feel about him, Liam? How?”

His hand dropped to his side, the red wine slowly spilling from the rim of the glass as my mind grew too fuzzy to even tell what the hell was going on around me. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment before letting out a huff and hastily pushing myself up from the table. Wiping away my tears, I yanked my bag off my chair and turned to leave, fighting off Liam’s grasp as he tried to reach out for me and stop me.

I couldn’t stay there, not another minute could I stay there. I couldn’t look at him, or listen to him. I couldn’t hear him talk about me like that, as if he was the one who knew me, who really loved me. As if he loved me like…like Niall did. I couldn’t face his family. I couldn’t even face myself.

Stepping out of the restaurant, I grabbed a nearby taxi, struggling to hold myself together the entire ride back to my flat. Tossing my bag to the couch, I stumbled into my bedroom and immediately tore off my clothes. The tears were literally streaming down my face as I began to rummage through my wardrobe, cursing between my cries before I finally pulled out the dark blue hoodie. I hugged it to my face, the material soft but cool against my hot patchy red skin, before I slipped it over my naked body and wrapped it tight around me, quietly snuggling down into the bed.

I had told him. Sort of. I had broken down and made a fool out of myself really. But, I had told him. I couldn’t marry him. I wouldn’t marry him.

Sniffing back my tears, I carefully slid my left hand out from under the duvet, holding it up just enough so the sleeve of the hoodie slumped down over my wrist. Biting at my shaking lip, I stifled my tears as I reached over with my other hand and slowly pulled the diamond ring off my finger. My cloudy stare danced across the gleam of the stone as I gently laid it on the table next to my bed, a sob pouring from my mouth. I tucked my arms back down under the covers and pulled them up over my chin, determined to lose myself in the warmth of my bed and the peaceful thoughts of Niall.

I had told him. Finally.

I had finally told him and that was the first night ever that Liam didn’t come home.