#_author:Jenna Birch

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Why You Shouldn’t Date the Guy Who Acts the Most Interested

The guy who acts the most interested might not be the right one. (Photo: Getty Images)

I’ve interviewed many people about love and relationships over the past few years, and one of my favorite interviewees was a 30-something woman we’ll call Addison. When she was in her very early 20s, Addison met a man who was absolutely smitten with her — and he made sure that she knew it. He pursued her hard in the beginning, showering her with attention, praise, and adoration.

Addison’s suitor wanted to push things forward as fast as possible. Having grown up on Disney fairy tales, rom-coms, and books like The Rules, which hype relentless suitors who value women whom they have to chase to the ends of the earth, Addison just kind of went with it. She didn’t ask herself, “Is this what I really want?” Instead, she simply thought, “This is how it’s supposed to be.”

Despite lingering doubts, she ended up in a marriage by her mid-20s — with a husband whose enthusiasm was not, in fact, all it had seemed to be. It waned over time. He did not defend her in front of his family members, they fought constantly, he did not consider her feelings. By her late 20s, she was divorced, with a whole slew of different (and correct) thoughts about “how things should be” the next time around.

Addison isn’t alone in her previous beliefs about dating and relationships. Somewhere along the way, women were told, “You deserve to be pursued!” and, yeah, we just went with it. Through my research (and even among friends), I’ve met plenty of women who’ve literally gone their entire lives letting men sort themselves by early, most-evident interest.

Their “single girl” dating ritual is simple: Strongest pursuer wins. (Side note: This is a heteronormative exploration of dating rituals and for that reason a heteronormative article on said rituals.)

With a culture of ghosting, bread-crumbing, zombie-ing, and just flat-out constant shuffling, I get that things seem inherently fragile out there, and lots of people want to insulate against rejection. You want to invest in someone who’s going to stick around, so you set up parameters to try to weed out those who aren’t serious enough:

If he’s not texting you every day, right from the start, he’s not interested enough.

If he’s not setting up dates at least once or twice a week, cut him off.

If he’s not calling on the phone, then he’s o-u-t.

Of course, you do need to weed out prospects who just aren’t matches, which means you do need some filters — but “strength of pursuit” shouldn’t be one of them. Here are two reasons why strength of pursuit is a problem, and one very important way to choose a better partner.

1. It removes female agency. Addison’s old-school story is still way too common today, and I hate that. Why? Because this storyline removes female agency from the equation. She didn’t actively choose the guy she dated and eventually married: She let him choose her. She didn’t take active steps forward in the relationship: He dragged her step by step through various phases of commitment. He was a little bit ahead of her, always, until he locked it down with a ring and there were no further steps to take.

Letting someone take you off the market, just because there seems to be a lot of interest there, is a defensive dating strategy that requires next to no vulnerability on your part. You think that high levels of obvious interest will keep you from getting hurt (which is not necessarily the case). It’s important to lay down the old narratives that proclaim your One True Love will pursue you no matter how many barriers you throw in his way, or if you put in zero effort yourself. That just isn’t today’s reality.

Instead, you need to ask yourself who you want to pursue a relationship with — and then put yourself out there and let that person know. Text him. Set up dates. Say you had a great time. Keep in touch. The best modern relationships aren’t built on one party driving all the interest, but rather on a “meet me halfway” dynamic.

  2. Strength of pursuit doesn’t necessarily indicate strength of interest. I’ve heard women recount some really promising early prospects. “He texts me all the time, all day!” Or, “He calls me every day!” Meanwhile, I’m on the sidelines thinking, “Eeeeek.” In these cases, the strength of pursuit is blinding, and these women stop thinking about chemistry and compatibility and focus solely on how intensely they’re being pursued. They let other prospects fall to the wayside because they don’t even have time to keep up with them.

I don’t want to condemn anyone for showing interest, because every situation is different. However, I do want to point out that bombarding a person with texts, emails, calls, and compliments immediately is an early dating tactic. It’s not the only dating tactic; it’s just one. And it’s not even necessarily authentic. It’s rare that you’d know a person well enough to be declaring love after a few dates.

There are tons of great guys who do not have time to text you all day; they have full-time jobs. There are tons of great guys who need a little encouragement to keep pursuing you, which is a wise strategy that indicates both parties’ desire to move the relationship forward. There are tons of great guys who you might be missing, because you’re blinded by someone’s strength of pursuit.

I am sad to report that this enthusiasm and communication frequency often wanes over time, much to many women’s dismay. Sometimes, a strong early pursuit is almost a game — and when you’re off the market, you’re won. Suddenly, new boyfriends don’t text every day, and those regular phone calls seem to fall off a cliff. If enthusiasm starts that strong, it’s likely got nowhere to go but down.

3. The best relationships today are equal and continue to grow. Experts have consistently found that egalitarian marriages, where both parties are equal in all ways, are the happiest. They share duties inside and outside the home. They have equal bargaining power in the relationship. They both do the emotional work to keep the relationship afloat. And they both have the power to make key decisions.

This dynamic of equality starts right off the bat, as two halves of a potential couple meet each other halfway. You should both show interest. You should both be able to issue date invites. You should both be able to send texts and expect one in return. If you want a happy relationship, in which you both choose each other, the earliest interactions should settle in somewhere around 50-50.

Your enthusiasm, communication, and excitement should also continue to grow and expand over time in a way that feels natural. If a person is pursuing hard right out of the gate, that interest is not likely strong for the right reasons. I’m not saying you shouldn’t date the person, just that you need to keep carefully considering compatibility along the way. They’re likely following a script at best, and turning dating into a game at worst.

Never forget that they don’t really know you, not yet. They shouldn’t be “all in” after one date, and neither should you.

Trust me. You ultimately want a partner who thoughtfully considered whether you were a good match, and stepped up their interest accordingly, as they saw authentic potential for long-term growth and happiness. You do not want someone who was smitten with information they can glean from first glance, despite the weird fairytale narratives we were once taught to believe. Addison’s story crystallized that lesson for me.

Jenna Birch is a journalist, a dating coach, and author of  The Love Gap (Grand Central Life & Style, January 2018). Her relationship column appears on Yahoo every Friday. To ask her a question, which may appear in an upcoming post, send an email to jen.birch@sbcglobal.net with “YAHOO QUESTION” in the subject line.

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We Need to Be OK With Taking Vacation — Our Health Depends on It

Why are we OK with burnout? (Photo: Getty Images)

Vacations are supposed to be enjoyable. A time to hit pause. Sleep in. Catch some sun. Catch up with your family and friends. But when most of us think of taking time off for a timeout, a slew of baggage comes to mind with that break — and not just the type you have to pack for your getaway.

First, you won’t be in the office for that presentation your team’s been working on. Second, someone else will inevitably have to pick up your slack. Third, how much of a break will you really be getting? You’ll be tuned in to your buzzing phone anyway — you know, just in case of a work emergency, or so you won’t have to dig out from emails when you return, you reason to yourself. On second thought, maybe it’s easier to put off that vacation until things “slow down.”

It sucks us in every time.

Americans are work martyrs, according to a new report from Project: Time Off, an effort aimed at transforming our nation’s view of vacation days. We leave $224 billion in unused vacation time on balance sheets each year.

More than a third of couples (36 percent) argue about the amount of time spent on work obligations versus family obligations. In households where workers have paid time off, roughly seven in 10 say a work issue has resulted in a missed or interrupted child’s ball game, family vacation, or even funeral — yet four in 10 are leaving an excess of paid vacation time on the table each year.

Vacation time is not wasted time, though. It’s valuable time that we aren’t utilizing.

Why Aren’t We Taking Time Off?

As a country, we suffer from something called “presenteeism,” says Ken Yeager, PhD, a psychologist at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center and director of the Stress, Trauma and Resilience (STAR) Program.

“It’s the opposite of absenteeism,” he tells Yahoo Health. “And it’s such an American thing. While traveling through Europe, there’s a much more relaxed feel. Today, when we take time off, we’re wracked with guilt that someone else is having to take on our workload, and fear that things will fall apart when we walk away.”

Today, our work also defines us more than ever before. Imagine going to a dinner party, where you must introduce yourself to a handful of new people. What do you say? According to psychologist Karla Ivankovich, PhD, an adjunct professor at the University of Illinois, Springfield, we used to define ourselves by our own interests, our families or relationships. But these days, “most people introduce themselves by what they do, rather than who they are,” Ivankovich says. “They say, ‘Hi, I’m Joe, the director of XYZ, as opposed to, ‘I’m Joe, a family man who manages to work long hours and still get home to eat dinner —but only after coaching little league, and then falling in bed exhausted.’”

This shift in work as the primary source of identity is also the reason unemployment hits people so hard, says Art Markman, PhD, a professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin.

“Our work lives are central to our sense of self,” he tells Yahoo Health. “This is why people who suddenly become unemployed often suffer from depression and a sense of aimlessness. It also affects stay-at-home parents, who feel like they don’t have a workplace to help define them.”

Our minds are always consumed by the demands of the job, probably more so now than ever before. Workplace culture has shifted — even from just a couple decades ago. Seniority, loyalty, and longevity have been replaced by youth, productivity, and economy.

Do you define yourself by what you do? (Photo: Getty Images)

That shift has come with a sense of anxiety. “As difficult economic times loomed overhead, employers started expecting individuals to do more, with less,” says Ivankovich. “In many situations, this meant taking on additional duties or even absorbing the positions of others. In order to maintain gainful employment, people began working harder for fear of losing their jobs.”

And with families so geographically separated now, even nuclear families, time off has begun to look like more of a burden than a break at times, says Markman. “Americans have lost the tradition of family vacations,”he explains. “Instead, people take time off to go see family members — but that is rarely a relaxing trip.”

So, we just don’t take those trips. Or get away from the office at all.

Related: How to Maximize Your Vacation Happiness

We are actually conditioned to put off “breaks,” says Yeager. Driven people have put their heads down for years, pushing their career forward with sheer force of will. “Think of a doctor or a lawyer, for instance. How many years have they invested in getting where they are?” Yeager asks. “The doctor delays goofing off to get good grades, to get into a good medical school, to get the residency they want, to get the fellowship — which will ultimately get them the practice.”

All that self-worth is tied up into delaying fun, Yeager says. “So what that person does must be important,” he says, explaining the mindset. Far too important to take a break.We start to get the feeling that we are too vital to leave the job. We are the cogs that really keep the machines chugging.

“We have this inflated sense that we are indispensable,” Yeager says — “even though we’re not.”

Yeager compares chronic stress at work to running on a treadmill. Excelling at work is a good thing. Getting exercise is a good thing. “But no one is going to run on that treadmill until their heart explodes, right?” he says. “You’re going to get off.”

We are a nation populated with too many exploding hearts.

The Cost of Too Much Stress and Not Enough Sleep

True vacation isn’t just about having fun. It’s about lowering stress and providing more time for sleep. And taking a mental break can happen on a smaller scale, too — actually taking weekends to relax (and not work), and knowing when to step away from email when it’s getting late and it’s time for sleep.

“When we talk about stress, we have to break it down,” says Alan Rozanski, MD, a cardiologist and director of Wellness and Prevention Programs for Mount Sinai Heart. “There’s stress that’s good for us, and stress that’s bad for us. Getting the degree, working toward the house, wanting to change the world — all that is good stress. We call that ‘challenge.’”

Rozanski published research last year in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology that showed a U-shaped relationship between stress and health outcomes. This means that just a little stress is bad and a whole lot of stress is bad. “There’s a sweet spot there in the middle,” he explains.

“Stress that’s chronic is bad for us,” Rozanski says. “This is stress that feels overwhelming for a long period of time, or stress where we feel like we can’t cope. This leads to anxiety and depression, and the effects are now exceedingly well-studied.”

Rozanski says that continuously flooding the system with the stress hormone cortisol leads to a slew of costly conditions. “When those stress hormones are elevated, we start to see it wear on the body,” he explains. “We see high blood pressure, insulin resistance, higher diabetes risk, more susceptibility to illness, and a greater risk of heart disease over time.”

Not only is the American workforce stressed, but many are sleep-deprived along with it. Gallup stats show that 40 percent of the country’s adults get six hours of sleep or less per night. The average is down by more than a full hour since 1942.

And losing sleep could be deeply problematic over time, says Yeager. In 2013, early research funded by the National Institutes of Health shows the brain floods itself with cerebrospinal fluid during sleep, rapidly flushing itself of toxins. This is vital, but the entire process probably takes too much energy to carry out while the body is awake and operating. Scientists have observed this brain-cleansing effect in mice and baboons so far, and not yet humans. However, the research may provide one of the first clear glimpses as to why sleep is an essential function for living beings: Getting rest rids the body of waste.

For instance, one of the toxins removed by the brain during sleep is beta amyloid — a toxin that is associated with Alzheimer’s. Alzheimer’s and memory disorders are often linked to sleep disorders. Toxic build-up may also explain why we often experience cognitive fog after a particularly sleepless night, or how lack of sleep can even kill someone.

We need rest to make sure our bodies are healthy, to think clearly, and to perform at our peak. We are far more productive when we do so, something research shows time and again.

There are many examples. Stanford scientists put basketball players on a 10-hours-per-night schedule? They improve their free-throw and three-point shooting percentage by nine points a pop. A few Journal of Sleep researchers get air-traffic controllers to take 40 minutes of rest with an average of 19 minutes of sleep each? They have better reaction times and remain more vigilant on the job.

How Do We Break Away?

So, your girlfriend is dying to take a beach getaway. Or your husband insists on a kayaking trip. It’s relatively easy to schedule a vacation and force yourself to walk away. And you should schedule that time off and take it.

But how?

If possible, you should go bigger rather than smaller, says Ivankovich. More than a couple days off will give you the best boost. “You have to break the stress cycle,” she says. “It takes two days for the mind to debrief and begin to slow down. This is why it is better to take one seven-day vacation than it is to take a long weekend; the benefit derived from taking an extended absence is far greater, and the benefit is more sustainable after a longer break.”

Related: 3 Reasons to Be Boring on Vacation

While scheduling that time away is definitely doable, it’s not as easy to actually rest while you’re taking time off. So “you have to find out what recharges you,” says Yeager. “Some people walk on the beach, and you can just see the stress leaving their bodies. Where are you able to best relax? Maybe for you, it’s nature. It’s camping. What are you doing while you’re there? Maybe you’re reading. Maybe you’ve got your entire album collection on a device, and you’re by the pool.”

Can’t take your mind off what you might be missing? Then you might need to really remove the temptation of “checking in,” says Yeager. Think of yourself as going into “break training.” You may have to start by taking long weekends before you graduate to week-long getaways.

Maybe leave your phone behind on the beach trip — except for a half hour of checking emails in the morning, at lunch, and at night. Or maybe you designate one full hour at night dealing with work correspondence. Or maybe — eek! — you decide to go completely Internet-free.

Yeager describes a trip to northern Europe where that connection was scarce for him. “I could really only check email at a coffee shop,” he says. “But taking a half hour to answer work email over a latte wasn’t bad at all. Have you had European coffee? The whole experience was much more relaxing.”

Remember, though, the other major point of taking breaks has nothing to do with relaxing and recharging so you can get back to work and produce again. “The most important aspect of vacations is that they create good memories,” says Markman. “This helps boost people’s overall well-being. Vacations provide families and partners a chance to reconnect outside of the hectic pace of daily life.”

So, go — to Disneyland, the Gulf Coast, a campsite, wine country, wherever. You don’t just deserve it. You need it.

Read This Next: 10 Signs You Really Need a Vacation

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Have a personal health story to share? We want to hear it. Tell us at YHTrueStories@yahoo.com.

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Can 36 Questions Make You Fall in Love — With Anyone?

Find a comfortable spot, and start answering! (Photo: Getty Images) 

One lab. Two people. Forty-five minutes. Thirty-six questions. Four minutes of gazing into each other’s eyes… and one deep, lasting connection. 

Admittedly, it sounds like a ridiculous recipe for falling in love. But could it actually work? Well, according to research conducted more than 15 years ago by Arthur Aron, PhD, a professor of psychology at Stony Brook University, it did work.

In a new New York Times “Modern Love” essay, University of British Columbia writing professor Mandy Len Catron recalls having heard about the 1997 research of Aron, who successfully threw 52 sets of male and female strangers and 19 sets of all-female strangers together in a lab and caused them to grow significantly closer by way of the equation noted above.

The method was simple: Over the course of 45 minutes, Aron had his subjects ask each other 36 questions (full list below!). Each one gets progressively more personal, beginning with, “Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?” before probing under the surface into treasured memories, deepest wishes, the state of the other person’s relationship with Mom, even the role of love and affection in the other person’s life.

Related: The One Universal Secret To A Lasting Marriage

At the end of the session, Aron had each pair stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes. At the end of the study, according to his research, the duos had grown significantly closer. And at the end of six months, one male-female couple had fallen in love and gotten married.

Which brings us back to Catron. One night over drinks at a bar with a male acquaintance, her companion made an interesting observation about relationships: “I suspect, given a few commonalities, you could fall in love with anyone. If so, how do you choose someone? 

Catron, of course, remembered Aron’s research and the weird effect of creating conscious connection with another person. She asked her friend if he wanted to test it out. They spent two hours posing Aron’s questions to each other via iPhone, before ending the evening gazing into each other’s eyes on a bridge.

The research seemed to work for Catron, too, who fell in love with her 36-question companion.

What’s going on? Probably a few things at once, says Art Markman, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. If there’s basic physical attraction there, he says, it is possible to generate connection with just about anyone.

Related: Do Men Really Think About Sex Every 7 Seconds? 

“It’s about creating the opportunity,” Markman tells Yahoo Health. “With the conversational aspect, there’s research showing that thinking fast creates positive feelings in us. And since we wouldn’t often assume quick thinking would produce these feelings, we assign them to something else. The logical thing is the person across the table from you, with whom you’re having a conversation.”

The feelings you have when you’re with a person are important, but the content of the conversation here also deepens the bond. “With this research, it’s almost like hypnosis in a way,” says Markman. “The questions start and are really innocuous, but they slowly get more personal, and you have to start lowering your defenses.” This is something Catron mentions in her essay; the slip into murkier waters happened so slowly, she didn’t notice until she was already in deep territory with her partner.

Related: What Your Reaction After A Fight Says About Your Relationship 

To go along with strong conversational draws, Markman also bets there’s a nice shot of oxytocin when two people stare into each other’s eyes for some time and truly settle into that gaze. “You’re creating positive feelings and trust there,” he explains.

This willingness to let your guard down (and actively dig beneath a partner’s surface) also seems to indicate a real decision. You can choose to know someone deeply and truly in order to generate feelings of love. It is less a matter of accidentally “falling” in love.

“What I like about this study is how it assumes that love is an action,” Catron writes. “It assumes that what matters to my partner matters to me because we have at least three things in common, because we have close relationships with our mothers, and because he let me look at him.”

Related: Stay Away From Guys Who Do THIS

Ultimately, creating connection is all about allowing someone else to see a side of you that others normally do not — to get truly (frighteningly) close. “If you think about falling in love, it’s really a willingness to lower barriers that normally inhibit us from getting to know each other,” Markman explains. “When you do, now you can create a bond.”

Want to test it yourself? Find a comfortable spot, settle in with someone you’d like to get closer with, and get started answering these questions from  Arthur Aron's study, The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure And Some Preliminary Findings. 

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a perfect day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “we are both in this room feeling…”

26. Complete this sentence “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them: Be honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Good luck!

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The One Question to Ask Yourself When Deciding if You're Ready to Commit

There’s one very specific question to ask yourself if you’re deciding about commitment. (Photo: Getty Images)

“I usually know if a relationship is wrong for me, but how can I tell if the relationship is right?”

While writing my book, and fielding love-related questions for well over a year, this one query came up far more than any other.

It’s a question asked by anyone in that vast gray area between one relationship milestone and the next. It’s a question pondered by anyone in a “pretty good” partnership. A question chewed over by those who answer, “It’s okay!” or “Things are going fine” when asked about their relationship or significant other. It’s a question for young people; for old people; for anyone who isn’t sure they’re ready to commit; for anyone who feels rocky about the next step. It’s a question for the person who feels like something in the relationship is off but they can’t put their finger on what. “How can I tell if the relationship is right?”

This generation is empowered, and plagued, by a phenomenon that has touched no other generation in the same way: Choice. Most people can find a date at the drop of a hat; all you need to do is download a dating app and swipe for a couple of hours. That says nothing of all the ways you can potentially meet a new flame in person.

It’s not necessarily just the endless choice of a potential partner that can be simultaneously enticing and stunting, but of all the experiences you could have while single and waiting for “the one” to come along — grad school, travel, living abroad, living alone, taking career risks. As psychology professor Art Markman, PhD, once told me; millennials are encouraged to “play the field” in a way no other generation has before them.

With all that in mind, there is simply no reason to commit to the wrong person. But how do you know if the person you’re seeing is right? There is actually a pretty easy way to answer that.

Not too long ago, I was sitting at a bar with a friend, nursing a glass of red wine while she unpacked her relationship woes. She’d been dealing with the infamous question of right vs wrong. The “pretty good” relationship. The angst of “fine.” The guy she was seeing wanted her to take herself off the market and take the next step with him. He wanted commitment; she just wasn’t sure.

I asked a lot of reflective questions. Eventually she breathed a huge sigh, and finally summarized it all: “I can’t shake the feeling that, by committing to him, I’ll be missing out on something.” FOMO is not a good headspace in which to start a commitment, and whether or not you feel FOMO is actually a good litmus test as to whether this next step is one that you really want to take. If you ever feel, like my friend, caught between a relationship rock and a hard place (you’re happy, but are you happy enough?) ask yourself: “Does this relationship seem to open more doors than it closes?” Essentially, does it broaden my life?

Every relationship is different, but the best relationships are oriented toward continuous growth. That doesn’t just mean deepening your bond as a couple, social science shows that good relationships cause people to also grow and become better on their own. Psychologist Arthur Aron, PhD, concocted the “self-expansion model” to explain key motivations for forming romantic relationships, which has since provided a framework for understanding many things that relate to partnerships.

Expounding upon Aron’s research, social psychologist Benjamin Le, PhD, says that the self-expansion model can help explain, “why we might be attracted to certain people over others.” The answer he provides is that it’s because “one person offers abundant opportunities for growth compared to others.” The self-expansion model can also explain, “why certain relationships are more fulfilling than others.” The answer there being because they give us “greater opportunities for self-expansion.”

The long and short of it is, with certain compatible people, we just grow more. We see the world through eyes that give us new perspectives. Those partners bring valuable knowledge and experiences to the table; experiences that we have not had, and knowledge that we did not know. Humans are incredible, dynamic, evolving beings; and sometimes, in relationships that aren’t right, the possibilities do not seem endless. We feel stagnant, like something is missing, or there’s someone else out there for us.

For millennials especially, but really just modern-day daters, timing plays a critically important role in forming relationships and committing long-term. Last year, I wrote a story about how millennials are marrying their exes, and I think we’ll see more of this in the future. Sometimes, if you haven’t done enough “playing the field” in all aspects of life (to use Markman’s words), commitments will make you feel extremely hesitant. In that case, it is natural and normal to want to test the dating market, see what’s out there, and figure out what feels right to you. Options do exist.

Which is why it’s possible you might meet the right person early on, and still feel like you’re missing out on something. That’s okay. The reality is, you can’t see how right a person is for you until you’ve done some personal exploration. Until you know who you are, what’s out there, and what you bring to the table as a partner, it is nearly impossible to find the right person with whom to be in a relationship.

However, there’s a larger subset of daters who have done plenty of personal exploration. They are actively open to a long-term relationship, and still feel wary about deeper commitment to a partner. In this case especially, it’s important to ask yourself: Does this relationship seem to open more doors than it closes? Does this person seem to expand me? Do I feel like I’m growing?

The beauty of the self-expansion model is that growth is just one step away, especially for couples who are celebrating 10, 20, 30 or more years together. Yes, life is not a-thrill-a-minute. Life will have it’s exciting moments and boring ones. There will be times when you hit plateaus. And in those seasons, you can focus on participating in novel experiences together to promote growth — like traveling to an exotic location neither of you has been, or testing out a cuisine neither of you has tried.

Early relationship phases are different, though. These are the times where you naturally have milestones to look forward to and you’re learning new information rapidly — both about your partner, and through your partner. It should all feel exciting. Spending time with that person should feel exciting, even if you’re not 100% sure why that is.

With enough amassed experiences while single, and a great concoction of compatibility, the “right” relationship seems to offer endless opportunities for growth — so much so that the next stage of commitment thrills you. You’ll happily take yourself off the market for that one person you’re seeing, because when shutting yourself off to other suitors, doors of growth and expansion open in front of you. Sharing experiences and building history with him or her seems much more rewarding than it would be alone.

Growth. Always seek growth. Discovering a well of new opportunities with someone is the foundation of a great modern relationship. Anything less should give you pause.

Jenna Birch is a journalist, dating coach, and author of  The Love Gap (Grand Central Life & Style, January 2018). Her relationship column appears on Yahoo every Friday. To ask her a question, which may appear in an upcoming post, send an email to jen.birch@sbcglobal.net with “YAHOO QUESTION” in the subject line.

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Your Romantic 'Type' Based on Your Myers-Briggs Personality Type

How to pick the perfect partner based on your Myers-Briggs personality type. (Photo: Getty Images)

What’s the best part about love and relationships? That’s a seriously tough call. But the beautiful thing is, absolutely everyone is drawn to something different; which means there’s a match out there for every person.

Most of us have at least a vague “type,” uniquely tailored to our individual personalities and what we value in relationships. If you haven’t determined what the common thread is among your exes and crushes, it’s highly possibly that your Myers-Briggs personality type can help determine that for you. For a quick refresher, your Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is an assessment that is meant to break down your psychological preferences and how you make decisions. It tells you your penchant for Extraversion or Introversion (E or I); Sensing or Intuition (S or N); Thinking of Feeling (T or F); and Judging or Perceiving (J or P). If you don’t know your MBTI you can take the test here. If you do know your MBTI then find yours below, and discover the type of partner with whom you should be spending your life.

ENTJ Your type: As the “ruthless commander” of the MBTI, ENTJs know exactly what they’re looking for in terms of raw partner criteria. Your match must be highly intelligent, competent, individualistic, and loyal. They also have to enjoy the finer tastes in life, and be able to work a room with relative ease. If a person you spot has all of those qualities, you tend to believe you can make a relationship happen by sheer force of will.

Don’t forget: Listen to your feelings, even though you’d rather make decisions with your head; emotions tell us when relationships are right and wrong. Love isn’t always as logical as you make it out to be.

INTJ Your type: The mysterious and smart type, INTJs are looking for someone who shares a thirst for knowledge and theoretical conversations. Since you’re engrossed in your work for long stretches of time, you’re attracted to independence and self-sufficiency. You date with an eye toward the future, meaning you won’t enter a relationship unless you can see it working out long-term, so having compatible values and interests is a must.

Don’t forget: You gotta try things out sometimes. All your theories might work in your head, but fail to pan out IRL. The unexpected choice may work better than you realize, and show you hidden sides over time.

INFJ Your type: INFJs are notoriously picky, mostly because they know exactly what they want: Someone who makes them feel seen, heard, and emotionally safe. This sounds simple on the surface, but it isn’t for you. Not only are you a brilliant, deep, and complex person, but you regularly feel like others don’t “get” you the way that you get them.

Don’t forget: Your ultimate goal in a relationship is to feel appreciated and understood. Since you’re not always in tune with exactly how you’re feeling on an emotional level, let your intuition be your guide.

INFP Your type: INFPs lead with their feelings first, and have extremely specific tastes: You love people who are authentic and novel, who aren’t afraid to follow their dreams or travel to remote locations at the drop of a hat. You’re also highly sensitive, and need someone who won’t break your spirit or abuse your kindness.

Don’t forget: You tend to romanticize and idealize partners. Make sure you aren’t projecting qualities and narratives onto a prospective partner, just because you want it to work. Check them out, warts and all, so you can really determine compatibility.

ENFP Your type: ENFPs are social butterflies who pride themselves on their uniqueness and charm. You also aren’t afraid to spend time cracking open the toughest nuts, which is why you love prospects that present as mysterious and brooding. You need to be constantly intrigued, and are drawn to people who reveal flashes of hidden depth behind a controlled surface.

Don’t forget: Sometimes, you imagine mysterious prospects might be incredible (compatible! fascinating!) creatures, but they aren’t actually “all that.” Interesting partners, who you can take at face value, might be a better match long-term.

ENFJ Your type: ENFJs tend to like dreamy, romantic types, because they think relationships and people make the world go ‘round. You also know you’re an amazing partner for the right person. Sometimes, you can be drawn to those flawed, diamond-in-the-rough types, because you recognize the potential in so many people. You’re incredibly accommodating and have the vision to see what you could be together.

Don’t forget: A relationship is a two-way street. While you’re busy caring and working on the relationship, remember to open up about your unmet needs. There’s also only so much you can “fix” before you’re simply not compatible — or before you’ll break down emotionally.

ENTP Your type: The term “heartbreaker” was basically invented for ENTPs. You’re drawn to the quiet, soft-hearted ones, who might seem like the most impossibly shy challenges at first — but your charm can usually break down their walls. Unfortunately, immature ENTPs go for anyone who intrigues them, but exit as soon as they get bored.

Don’t forget: You fall often, just not hard, so slow your roll and seek deeper connection. Lasting desire, based on real compatibility, will grow over weeks and months. Try waiting before launching into your typical chase — if your ultimate goal is to find that one person who endlessly intrigues you with smarts and substance.

INTP Your type: INTPs are often drawn to types who they see as intellectual equals and true partners. You hate drama, and don’t typically go for anyone who’s overly emotional or “creates problems” instead of solves them. You love someone who’s interesting, well-rounded, independent, and shares your offbeat sense of humor.

Don’t forget: Feelings do matter. Although your best match is probably someone with whom you can explore and debate, few people have skin as thick (or as logical) as yours.

ISTJ Your type: ISTJs are not flashy, and their type typically isn’t either. You tend to err on the traditional side, so shared values are a must. You’re often found with the wholesome, good-hearted and even-keeled ones, who also have an eye toward long-term commitment. (Anything else would not make sense to you!)

Don’t forget: You can’t always judge a book by its cover. You can often pigeon-hole someone too quickly in an attempt to filter efficiently, but you might have it all wrong. At least wait a few dates before you make a final call.

ESTJ Your type: ESTJs are hard-working, ambitious, goal-oriented types, so their romantic type is sort of an escape from the typical mayhem of their everyday life (career included). You’re likely most drawn to those who help you detach and unwind, through shared interests or a hidden thirst for adventures.

Don’t forget: You need someone who’s more apt to go with the flow than take the lead, but who will also stand up to you when it counts. Yes, you like to be in charge — but you need a partner whose opinion you completely trust and respect, not a pushover.

ESTP Your type: ESTPs are the ultra-bright flames, and all suitors are simply moths. While you probably like to flirt and charm just about anyone, the one you really notice is usually just slightly out of reach and very hard to get. There’s nothing more attractive to you than the seemingly unobtainable.

Don’t forget: While the chase might be fun, you’ll get bored with a hard-to-get person if you have nothing in common when you finally lock it down. Make sure that, as you’re winning over that prospect, you’re determining if you’re actually compatible along the way.

ISTP Your type: The laid-back renegades of the MBTI, ISTPs aren’t going to be nailed down often. If someone does catch your eye, that’s likely because they’re crazy-independent, able to go with the flow, and like to do the same activities. Your guy or gal is likely someone who would be totally down for a spontaneous trip to Europe, or a two-week ski vacation.

Don’t forget: Relationships aren’t always stressful commitments, so don’t be afraid to give it a shot if you find someone with whom you have a lot in common. You tend to loathe anything that will tie you down, but the right relationship (for you) won’t feel that way.

ISFJ Your type: Love and lust might be thrill rides for some, but ISFJs tend to value tenets of relationship stability like trust, honesty, respect, and open communication. In terms of your “type,” you’re a romantic to the core, but really want to be pursued by someone bold. You’re just a little too shy to share your feelings first.

Don’t forget: Although you typically know what you feel and are wired toward commitment, most others don’t get there as quickly. Enjoy the ride of dating; it’s fun, too!

ISFP Your type: Artistic and free-flowing, ISFPs have big hearts and creative minds — and you love when someone actually notices all the joy you bring to the table. Love is a crazy, unpredictable adventure, and you’re not afraid to dive in head-first. As long as a potential partner is not too controlling and appreciates your reserved side, you could gladly fall in love forever.

Don’t forget: You’re sensitive, but can be a bit passive when it comes to your relationships, often bottling up feelings instead of voicing them. Stand up for yourself and your thoughts. If you can’t, you’re not with the right person.

ESFP Your type: ESFPs are fairly obsessed with enjoying life and live almost entirely in the moment, so you’re looking for someone who’s always down for a good time. (Stick-in-the-muds and serious types need not apply!) You want someone with whom you can laugh about memes and funny stories, who will also let you keep your options open. Why plan for tomorrow when you can live well right now?

Don’t forget: You can be stubborn and dig in your heels if you feel like someone is trying to rein you in. Remember, sometimes balance is good — and you really do need a romantic partner who reminds you when to be serious (you know, occasionally).

ESFJ Your type: If there was ever a personality tailor-made for nurturing with an enthusiastic spirit, it was ESFJ. Ultimately, you just want someone to respect your caring side and really appreciate the awesome qualities you bring to the table — whether that’s mastering a new cake recipe or organizing the best charity event ever. You’re really not that complicated!

Don’t forget: You tend to put others first, and that can also be true when you’re dating and building relationships. You can get so set on a goal (often: a relationship) that you forget to see if you’re truly compatible, or if the person is treating you well. Occasionally, take a step back, be a bit more objective to see if things are really working.

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Relationship Dilemma: He Hasn't Said 'I Love You.' Should I Leave?

(Illustration: Getty Images)

There are certain milestones you wait for in every relationship. First kiss, becoming exclusive, meeting the parents… But what happens if you just skip past one? A big one?

A reader recently wrote in, because her boyfriend of 18 months has seemingly dodged one of those key relationship landmarks: “We haven’t said ‘I love you’ to each other,” she says. “Or rather, I’ve said it a few times, and he has not been able to say the same. Any time I ask him why not, he says he’s not sure what love means… He calls me everyday, takes time out of his weekend to have a date night with me, and I feel like I am loved. I wish this wasn’t so important to me, but I’ve considered breaking up with him because he can’t seem to say it.”

In relationships, we place certain expectations on people based on what we perceive should be happening. Your sister is engaged within 18 months, and you’re suddenly self-conscious that you’re three years into your relationship without a ring. Or your best friend hears, “I love you” after two months — and you think you should hear it, too.

In reality, everyone brings their own baggage to the relationship. Everyone has their own insecurities and needs. And everyone is trying to merge two timelines onto one.

In talking to couples, almost all of them have some relationship idiosyncrasy. Something did not go “as expected.” One couple broke up, for instance, and got back together five years later. Another couple communicated only by email letters for months, and never by text or call. And yes… even another couple had our reader’s very problem. Susan (as we’ll call her) and her now-husband took years and years to get together. Despite that long-standing friendship and foundation of trust, Susan’s boyfriend still couldn’t seem to say, “I love you” to his future wife.

This brings me to my first piece of advice for our reader, directly from Susan’s experience — among other strategies to try if you’re not hearing those three little words.

Maybe your significant other has never said the words “I love you” before. Susan remembers feeling apprehension before saying those three words for the first time herself; in fact, her first boyfriend explained what “I love you” meant to him. “I explained how being ‘in love’ is different than the love you might feel for your family or friends,” she told me. “How you feel excited when you’re with the person, and how you feel that absence not together. How you start to miss them.” Slowly but surely, Susan’s boyfriend started expressing those feelings. He would say that he missed her — and eventually, that he loved her. It just took numerous thoughtful, patient discussions.

Like Susan did, if your partner is having trouble with “I love you,” try defining romantic love with your partner. Tell him what that word means to you, why it’s important, and why you like to hear it consistently. Love is a very abstract thing, and some people are more concrete in nature; they have a hard time deciding if their feelings are what others might call, “love.” Start by telling him a few moments you’ve felt love most deeply, what you were doing, and how you suddenly saw the person in a new, fresh or important light. He might have a better sense of how he feels if he can suddenly visualize real-life examples.

Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages introduced a very important concept to those in relationships: Every partner gives and receives love in their own unique way. If you’re a “words of affirmation” person, you’re going to want to hear that your partner loves you on a daily basis. But if you’re dating an “acts of service” person, that person might be consistently showing their love instead of voicing it — putting gas in your car, fixing your TV — but it’s totally lost on you. It’s not your love language!

See if you can gauge your partner’s language, pick up on ways he may already be showing love (outside of the verbal). Better yet, my simple advice? Read the book, and then talk about what you got out of it. Figure out what your partner’s love languages are — and make sure, jointly, you put forth effort to communicate love in the way your partner needs to receive it. Sure, you can start noticing your partner’s love language in action… but you also want someone who makes an effort to let you know just how much they care in ~your~ language. Clearly express what you need in a relationship to feel happy and secure, and see if he does it over time. That’s love.

This last tip goes for every single relationship milestone. Centuries ago, Shakespeare wrote that “expectation is the root of all heartache.” He wasn’t wrong. You think your significant other should have been proposed now, or taken you to meet his parents. Or you assume if he was truly interested, he would set up that next date. Or said, “I love you.” But who told you that it should have happened?

If you need to hit a milestone to feel safe and cared for, then hey. I get it. Bring it up, or cut the person loose who can’t provide. But if you simply need to check that box because you think society, your parents, your best friend, your great aunt or a perfect stranger would tell you that it should be checked by now, then my advice would be to relax for a bit.

The people who typically end up in great modern relationships are those who have the ability let go of others’ expectations for them — which simply don’t matter. They silence the peanut gallery. They read their partner on an intuitive level, and think: Is he sincere? Is he putting forth effort? Do I feel cared for? Does the relationship seem to have momentum, even if slow?

If all questions are “yes” answers, you feel respected and comfortable with the person, then why not just sit back and let the adventure unfold?

Our reader said that she felt loved by her boyfriend; it just hadn’t been crystallized with the words she would have expected to hear. That’s huge. So, instead of breaking up with him, I’d slowly work with him on the concepts, what love means, and then reassess.

Ultimately, you get to decide if the relationship is working for you. I want you to keep that agency at the forefront of your mind, and remove toxic partners from your mind. But keep in mind: No one will operate in life, or in love, exactly the way you do.

Jenna Birch is a journalist, dating coach, and author of The Love Gap (Grand Central Life & Style, January 2018). Her relationship column appears on Yahoo every Friday. To ask her a question, which may appear in an upcoming post, send an email to jen.birch@sbcglobal.net with “YAHOO QUESTION” in the subject line.

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Why you should never give up your friendships in favor of a relationship

Illustration: Hannah Jacobs for Yahoo Style

It’s easy to get excited when you’re in a new relationship. Everything is tinged with the glow of infatuation. You end up doing crazy things you never thought you’d do, like driving an hour to give your significant other tea when he’s sick, or binge-watching all seven seasons of her favorite show just so you can talk about it, or giving up all your friendships.

…Waaaait, whaaaaat?

With respect to that last bit: Plenty of couples give up many or all of their outside friendships when they enter a new relationship. We’ve all had a friend or two completely disappear when he or she coupled off, and it’s one of the biggest relationship mistakes you can make.

It’s easy to see how the friend-fade happens. You’re spending time alone with your new S.O., which leaves less time for other friends. You’re also transitioning into a new stage of your life, and trying to figure out what that’s going to look like. This process is great and necessary. What’s neither great, nor necessary, is abandoning friendships that used to bring joy, support, and balance to your life.

Before you find yourself becoming too entrenched in your relationship and letting go of your friendships, let’s take a look at why this is such a detrimental (if often inadvertent) practice.

One person shouldn’t be your everything.

Without realizing it, spending all your time with one person puts a lot of pressure on your relationship. If you lose contact with friends, and your significant other is your sole relationship, then you live and die by how that relationship is going. If you’re getting in petty fights with your partner for a few days? Your whole mood is down. If he’s gone away on a work trip? You feel the absence deeply.

In contrast, if you maintain your friendships, you always have other sources of comfort and encouragement — and you’ll likely bounce back faster from relationship hiccups.

Women, especially, tend to keep a broader social circle and at least a few tight-knit friendships while single. This balance between friends, dating, and overall group engagement is vital for a well-rounded life. Going from many relationships to just one can inadvertently cause you to derive too much self-esteem from this one tie, and you might find yourself on an emotional roller coaster.

Karla Ivankovich, PhD, a clinical counselor at OnePatient Global Health, says maintaining friendships is a major component of self-care within a relationship. “Close friendships are key to a sense of belonging,” she explains. “Giving that up for one relationship can be likened to giving up on relationships that are grounded in the basics of esteem, where identity is shared, fueled, and celebrated.”

In essence: One person cannot constantly engage you, uplift you, encourage you, and feed your sense of self — nor should they. It’s incredibly unhealthy to place that burden on one bond.

If you break up, the infrastructure of your life will fall.

Sometimes even the best relationships do not last. We’ve all had that friend who disappears for a year while in a relationship and then contacts us out of the blue after she’s split and wants to rebuild her circle.

This is dicey. After a breakup, it’s key to have friends to lean on; friends who can take you out on the town, or come over with wine and ice cream for a night of self-indulgence. But if you totally retreat from your circle when you’re coupled off, you can’t expect those friendships to remain 100 percent intact. People evolve and change. (Not to mention, your close friends might be miffed if you abandoned them for months or years.)

On top of the extra damage of a breakup, creating your entire social infrastructure around one person can keep you mired in a bad relationship. It’s hard to imagine breaking up with someone with whom you literally spend every waking moment. Even if it’s conflict-ridden or stagnant, you’d still be giving up your after-work Netflix partner, your weekend farmers’ market buddy, and your perpetual plus-one for vacations.

Having strong friendships can help you realize that you’re not not alone, even if you break up with someone.

Friends can provide valuable feedback.

If your friends tell you to break up with your significant other, are you immediately expected to do it? No. Absolutely not. You are the person dating him or her, and you should be the person to decide whether or not that relationship continues.

That being said, sometimes our friends have valuable perspectives on our significant others that we do not. At times, being in a relationship is sort of like living in a bubble; you can’t really get outside of that bubble to see what’s happening from an unbiased, third-party perspective. Your friends, however, are outside the bubble and observing the bigger picture.

Maintain strong friendships with people you trust. You don’t need to tell them every problem you have in a relationship, but it’s totally fine to bring up concerns that you’re struggling with. That’s what friends are for. And don’t just unload; consider the outside feedback on the people you’re dating, especially if the same message is coming from multiple friends.

Friends can tell you if your worries are overblown; for instance, some people have an anxious attachment style and frequently read way too far into signals from their partner. They can tell if you if maybe you were acting distant or distracted or unsupportive toward a partner. They can also tell you if they’re worried about a partner’s behaviors or personality traits, like if that person seems manipulative, dismissive, angry, or untrustworthy. If you trust your close friends, as you should, you should trust them enough to consider their thoughts and opinions.

The moral of the story: Don’t give your good, trustworthy, supportive friends up for anyone or anything. You’ll have a healthier, happier, and more fulfilling life as a result — and when you think about it, more often than not, those friendships will last a whole lot longer than your relationships. They are 100 person worth the time, the effort, and the nourishment.

Jenna Birch is a journalist, a dating coach, and the author of  The Love Gap (Grand Central Life & Style, January 2018). Her relationship column appears on Yahoo every Monday. To ask her a question, which may appear in an upcoming post, send an email to jen.birch@sbcglobal.net with “YAHOO QUESTION” in the subject line.

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4 reasons to date someone who's been divorced

In writing my book on relationships, I learned a ton of unexpected lessons. A few biggies: Timing matters more than I ever understood, consistency and connection are the bedrock of all solid couplings, and those who are brave and bold in their feelings typically find love faster.

Illustration: Thoka Maer for Yahoo Lifestyle

Another, more specific lesson I’ve been telling people about for the past year? Don’t be afraid to date someone who’s divorced!

There is still some stigma surrounding divorce in our society. In many people’s minds, divorce indicates you tried the whole marriage thing and you failed at it. You probably have extra “baggage” from your ex. You’ve made mistakes, or maybe commitment itself just isn’t your thing, and so on and on.

In interviewing people for my book, I found these sentiments about divorced men and women to be the furthest thing from the truth. My divorced (and often remarried) interviewees were some of my most insightful, most engaging, most relationship-ready prospects out there. In fact, they probably taught me more about modern love, how to find it and create it, than any other group. After all, when it comes to creating a lasting relationship, you often have to figure out what doesn’t work before you begin to deduce what does.

Illustration: Thoka Maer for Yahoo Lifestyle

So, let’s push back against the stigma! When you are swiping on apps and messaging potential suitors this spring, here are a few reasons you should say yes to dates with divorced people.

1. They know how to effectively break from their past

There’s “healing” from your past split, and then there’s just “moving on” from the past. Having to go through something as large as divorce, breaking your joint life with someone apart piece by piece certainly causes a person to evaluate what went wrong. Divorced men and women seem to fall into the healing camp more often than not.

In any major breakup, it’s wise to pause and ask yourself what really went wrong. Own your role in the relationship’s demise. Evaluate what incompatibilities existed that you absolutely do not want to repeat. This will help you become a more self-aware partner and ultimately build stronger relationships in the future.

2. They have a defined sense of what they’re looking for

I tell people all the time, “If you don’t know what you want, you’ll never get what you want.” It’s shocking how many daters do not think about what they really want out of a relationship — and I’m not talking “tall, dark, and handsome.” I’m talking about the type of partnership that would make them happy, the values they’d want to uphold in a relationship (like complete honesty or consistency), and the nonnegotiable deal-breakers (be it religion, politics, shared interests, or other things).

While it was very common for me to find daters who hadn’t thought a whole lot about what they wanted in a relationship over the long term, it was very rare for me to find a divorced person who hadn’t challenged themselves to figure that out. If you’re looking for a stable, compatible relationship, ask romantic prospects what they want; if they can’t tell you, then they are likely further away from real commitment. Often, divorced men and women have a better idea of their needs — and they’ll tell you if you ask, so you’ll know pretty quickly whether or not you’re a match.

3. They notice problems faster, and seek to fix them more effectively

When you’ve been in a long-term, committed relationship like a marriage, you can see repetitive problems with cornerstone issues like communication, intimacy, and time management coming a mile away. Often, solving relationship problems is like preventive medicine. It’s infinitely easier to notice warning signs and make lifestyle changes to prevent a heart attack or stroke than it is to stop it once it’s already happening.

Of the divorced men and women I interviewed, most of them sought this quality out in their next partner and had the perspective to understand why sometimes small, short-term discomforts are worthwhile if they save your relationship from long-term havoc.

4. They’ve stopped following silly dating rules

When you’re dating the first time around, you kind of get hung up on “the process.” When to text. What to text. What apps to use, if online dating is even effective. Where to meet people offline. What to say if you want to ask someone out. How often to communicate and see each other. Is the pace too slow? Are you coming on too strong? There are so many potential rules. Divorced people? They typically understand that rules generally focus on how to get a relationship instead of how to actually connect with a compatible partner.

A divorced woman in her 30s told me she’d done “everything right” in dating and marrying her first husband, who pursued her like crazy into a problem-plagued marriage. The second time, she completely tossed the rule book and did everything wrong; she waited for a guy who was slow to commit, because she saw qualities in him that might lead to a strong partnership. A divorced guy in his late 30s also told me about how he asked his second wife out two days after he filed for divorce. He simply didn’t need to sow his wild oats when he’d met someone with whom he was so compatible, happy, and comfortable.

If I can leave you with just one final piece of advice, the underlying principle behind this entire column, it’s that you should challenge all those common rules and beliefs in dating. Toss out the stigmas. Do what feels right. Focus on connecting with each person you meet. And don’t discount anyone; sometimes, love is found where you least expect it.

Jenna Birch is the author of  The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love (Grand Central Life & Style). Her relationship column appears on Yahoo every Monday. To ask her a question, which may appear in an upcoming post, send an email to jen.birch@sbcglobal.net with “Yahoo question” in the subject line.

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What to do when the person you're dating 'zombies' or 'submarines'

Add “zombieing” to your dating dictionary. (Illustrated by Hannah Jacobs for Yahoo Lifestyle)

On October 2, female-centric email newsletter the Skimm made the term “submarining” their “thing to know” for the day. So what is submarining, exactly? “When someone you’ve been dating ghosts you. And then decides to pop back into your life without any explanation. You know. The ‘hey, what’s up’ text, apology not included,” they explain.

By their definition, submarineing sounds remarkably similar to zombieing, which is when someone you’re dating fades away, only to “come back from the dead” to try and resurrect your relationship. The attempted resurrection generally comes super casually via a “Hey, how have you been??” text message.

In the early stages of dating, you never know if a prospect who goes MIA is just busy, dealing with personal stuff, playing the field, or legit ghosting, and never planning to contact you again. Welcome to the ambiguity and confusion of modern dating.

So, what’s a dater to do? Here’s how to deal with all the disappearing acts and reemerging prospects in today’s dating pool.

Have low expectations early on, but make an effort.

The modern dating landscape is so crowded and chaotic, it’s important to keep your expectations low. People disappear, meet other propsects, date without the intention of getting serious, etc. If you’re looking to build a potential relationship, then you have to locate a compatible someone who’s exhibiting the same effort you are.

All that said, you should definitely make an active effort to communicate clear interest in those you want to get to know more. No playing it cool, or playing hard to get. The daters who succeed are the most in touch, set up dates, text, call, and find reasons to get closer to those they’re into. Consistency matters. And frankly, it stands out.

If someone disappears and comes back, remember your agency.

If you are dating someone who suddenly exits the scene, it can be a bummer; ghosting is a trauma most modern daters have come to accept. However, an alarming number of ghosts will become submarines or zombies, popping up sporadically or reentering your life when the relationship looked dead in the water. There’s something so alluring about trying to figure out what happened! I’m sure you wanted to know, at the time of the disappearance, what was really going on in your prospect’s head, right?

Before you dive back in with a zombie or submarine, ask yourself if this connection was strong enough to really be worth it. Inconsistency signals risk. If this person is coming back to ask you out again, you’re in the driver’s seat now. Make sure it feels like a risk worth taking. If it was a so-so connection (or likely a slower-growing one), honestly, you’re better off looking for someone else.

Before you get proceed, ask what happened during the disappearance.

Today, a shocking number of people won’t be upfront and say things like, “Work was so crazy, I had to take a step back,” or, “I was dealing with some personal issues, but I’m all sorted out now.” There’s also a chance the person chose to pursue someone else — not because they didn’t like you, but maybe just because they met them first and that relationship was progressing faster. Since they didn’t have a “reason” to break it off with you, they left it open-ended as a “maybe later.” This is all common in the rapid app/online dating landscape, and it’s not a deal breaker per se.

However, if you’re going to entertain someone who submarined or zombied you, you’ve got to clear the air. When you see them again, just say something like, “I was surprised to hear from you again, but happy you reached out. Do you mind if I ask what happened?” Anyone who can’t give a clear, honest answer probably doesn’t have the communication skills you need to build a relationship. Make sure they are transparent.

Before you commit to someone, make sure their pattern is one of consistency.

I think it’s normal (and OK) to give zombies and submarines one more chance at getting to know you, but they can’t continue to bail or be inconsistent. Psychologically speaking, someone who provides intermittent reinforcement (sometimes responsive, other times not; sometimes happy, other times not) is the most addictive prospect — and also the most toxic. Trying to figure someone out and wondering if they’ll show up for you? That is a mind game, not the stuff of strong relationship foundations.

Anyone you date seriously should maintain a pattern of consistency before you commit to a full-blown relationship. When you call, they pick up. When you setup a place to meet, they show up on time. When you text, they shoot back a reply in a timely fashion. They are open, active, honest, and responsive to you (as you should be to them). If the person you’re seeing drops off the grid more than once? Yeah, drop ’em.

If you can’t trust a submarine or zombie, only date people who never disappear.

Apps and online dating are saturated with people who date around, and you need to prepare yourself for that reality if you’re someone who doesn’t like to pursue multiple leads at once. If you only date via online, filter for people who are consistently interested and in touch. No matter how much you like someone, if they keep you guessing, you might not be able to develop the necessary trust.

Don’t forget, you can meet people in real life too. Vary your strategies for meeting prospects, from parties to clubs, bars to friends. People are so reliant on technology these days to reduce the risk of rejection. But if you hate online dating, it’s time to go the old-school route.

Jenna Birch is a journalist, a dating coach, and author of  The Love Gap (Grand Central Life & Style, January 2018). Her relationship column appears on Yahoo every Monday. To ask her a question, which may appear in an upcoming post, send an email to jen.birch@sbcglobal.net with “YAHOO QUESTION” in the subject line.

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Should you date someone you’re not fully attracted to?

Should you date someone you’re not attracted to? (Illustrated by Hannah Jacobs)

Let’s say you’re dating the perfect man (or woman). He calls when he says he will. He takes you on interesting dates. He texts back in a flash. He’s kind, considerate, smart, a great personality. All your friends think it’s an excellent match; maybe they’re even borderline jealous that you scored such a person. And you laugh uncomfortably when they say it, because you think something must be wrong with you.

The problem? You’re just not totally attracted to this person. You enjoy your time. You feel you should be into them. But there’s some kind of chemistry disconnect. You can’t put your finger on what it is, exactly, but you’re not yet completely excited about the relationship.

My friends talk about this a lot. “How attracted do I need to be in the early days to keep going?” is the magic question. Looking around on online discussion boards, like Reddit, my group of friends is not the only one asking these questions. On Reddit full threads are devoted to questions like; “Great first date, no attraction; am I doing the right thing?”; “Dating someone when you don’t feel much physical attraction”; “Would you go out with someone you’re not attracted to?”; “Have you ever fallen in love with someone you weren’t attracted to at first? How’d that happen?”

This is a delicate matter, because attraction can grow. We’ve seen it with our friends’ relationships, and maybe older people in your family tout that very wisdom … but sometimes, attraction just doesn’t. And when you date someone knowing you weren’t really into it at the beginning, and you have to end it, you feel horrible; almost like you should have acted sooner and not caused a totally respectable person unnecessary hurt.

When you’re weighing whether or not you should move forward, ask yourself some questions.

What else has been going on in your life? (attraction killers / just wanting a relationship)

When it comes to attraction, two sets of circumstances can trip you up. First, sometimes, attraction to a person can be confused with desire for a relationship. In that case, you just might not feel it for someone — even though you really, really want to. That can be confusing. (Because you want to find love!) So, always ask yourself whether you just want someone, or you want this specific person.

Another issue that can stunt attraction is emotional distraction. Have you just been through a divorce or bad breakup? Have you been struggling at work, buried under stress? Have you just experienced a loss in the family? If so, you might need to clear your emotional slate before you can take on new feelings. In this case, be honest with the person you’re seeing.

How much do you like their personality?

I have seen attraction light up as time passes, where two people get to know each other better and really like how those feelings evolve. However, I have never seen “meh” attraction grow into something relationship-worthy unless the questioning person is very into their prospect’s personality. Most people are looking for a romantic partner who is also a close friend (if not best friend), and you typically choose a friend based on personality.

If you’re not sure if you’re into your dating prospect, ask yourself if you really enjoy your time with the person. Do you have similar senses of humor? Do you love to talk about the same things, but still find intriguing differences? Does time pass easily, too quickly almost? Look for someone with whom you have a great rapport. You want someone who “gets you.” That’s long-term attractive.

How long have you known this person?

It’s very common to not see someone romantically when you first meet them, and you’re still getting to know them. You haven’t seen them in various situations that might cause attraction to grow — like in a crisis, under stress, around other people. You’re probably mostly interacting one on one, in the best of circumstances (i.e., preplanned dates).

Let the person show more facets of themselves before dismissing them outright. Seeing someone’s emotional side, especially how they handle conflict, disappointment, support, encouragement — can boost attraction completely. Sometimes, it’s like a veil of hotness drops over their entire person. Allow for that.

Do they have things you deeply value?

Part of giving the relationship a little time to grow is to see if this person has things you deeply value, and vice versa (of course). What do you want that’s hard to find? What will help you grow as a person? Maybe it’s just the right sense of quirky humor, or a unique blend of paradoxical values. Or maybe it’s someone who has compatible knowledge or a complementary skill set; you’re the book-smart one, he’s the socially savvy one.

Over time, you’re going to realize how rare some connections are — but since we believe there should be a snap, crackle, pop! of connection right away, we forget to look at the bigger picture. I think of attraction like a trifecta; emotional attraction, intellectual attraction, and physical attraction. Intellectual builds the rapport, emotional keeps things stable, and physical provides the spark. Intellectual happens quickly, emotional takes time to see in full, and physical can be instant or arrive dead last.

Ultimately, it’s best not to commit to a relationship with someone until you feel attracted to the person completely. That said, it’s totally OK to date and see if connection and physical chemistry grow. Initial attraction is like the first chapter of a book. It’s the start of a story. It means something; you need to feel interested enough to want to read on. That said, some books start slower than others.

It’s completely possible for a book (or person) to pick up steam as you flip those pages and find out more. Give yourself, and the mysterious ways of attraction, a little time.

Jenna Birch is a journalist, a dating coach, and author of  The Love Gap (Grand Central Life & Style, January 2018). Her relationship column appears on Yahoo every Monday. To ask her a question, which may appear in an upcoming post, send an email to jen.birch@sbcglobal.net with “YAHOO QUESTION” in the subject line.

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When you’ll get married, based on your Myers-Briggs type

Your personality type says a lot about when you’ll get married. (Photo: Getty Images)

The median age for getting married continues to steadily climb. In 1960, men on average got married at the age of 22 and women at the age of 20; by 2010 it was 28 for men and 26 for women. As marriage stats change, one thing does seem to remain the same, and that’s how personality type affects when you’ll tie the knot.

Each Myers-Briggs personality type has their own approach to the romance game — some are wired for commitment, others tend to delay, but all are prone to falling when they meet just the right person at a uniquely suitable time. Find out when you are going to get hitched, based on your Myers-Briggs type, below.

Note: The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is a personality test that helps us to better understand ourselves and the people who surround us in our day-to-day lives. It tells us what we do with incoming information — how we process it and use it to make decisions. If you don’t know your type, a quick online quiz can help you find out. (Or, of course, the official assessment.)

ENTP: You’ll get married when someone captivates your mind, not just your fleeting emotions.

You’re a natural flirt and tend to charm others — but you’re also better at understanding others’ feelings than you are your own. Sometimes, you’ll even think you’re head over heels when your spark is destined to fizzle. You’ll fall in like a lot, but you’ll only fall in forever-love when you meet someone who engages your mind fully, allowing you to play, letting you explore, and making you think in ways you never thought possible.

ISTP: You’ll get married when you actually spend as much time with someone as you do alone.

You’re a renegade ISTP, and you’re plenty content on your own. You don’t need a buddy to go mountain biking with, or even to travel to a new country. However, when you find yourself choosing to spend time with another person, because you have the same ideals and like the same things — that’s when you should tie the knot. It’s a love that makes sense and has staying power, and that’s just what you need.

ISFJ: You’ll get married when someone chooses you. Period.

You’re not terribly complex when it comes to love — but not because you’re simple. You just believe in the kind of love that’s like a magical, electric friendship with someone who’s equally committed to long-term coupledom. You typically fly under the radar but always hope someone will choose you. And one day, someone is going to see how much you want to be the perfect partner. When you feel truly taken care of and loved, when someone becomes your fairy-tale ending and soft place to fall, that’s when you’ll marry.

ESTP: You’ll get married when you meet the (rare) person who always keeps you on your toes.

Of all the types, you casually date, couple up, and break up the most easily. You might even have the idea that you’re immune to truly falling for someone and will probably commit much later in life than most. When you grow up a bit, you’ll start gravitating toward long-term substance — and you’ll fall hard for the person who won’t play your usual games, who forces you to get comfortable with feeling. When you meet someone who seems to have endless interesting layers, and you’ve dated around enough to know your bond is a special adventure in and of itself, you’ll marry.

INTP: You’ll get married when you’re mentally compatible and you respect no one more.

You have high standards, but they’re relatively simple ones: You want someone who can keep up with your theorizing and weird, offbeat intellectual interests. Boom! You will probably not focus on love much early in life (teens, college), and be somewhat of a late bloomer. But ironically, when you decide it’s time to have a real relationship, you’ll fall for the first person you meet who “fits” — and you’ll marry if and when they want to take the next step, as a sign of your true commitment.

INFP: You’ll get married when someone engages your unique mind as much as they take care of your heart.

Lots of people see your low-key love for others; all your best friends know, you care a lot about people. A lot. When it comes to love, you even care about relationships you know deep down are never going to last. You crave intimate connection, but you need a mindmate as much as you need a secret softie. When you stop trying to make “almost right” partners work, stay single, and look for that inexplicable mental connection, that’s when you’ll marry. And it may take a while.

ENTJ: You’ll get married when someone shows you how to give in to your feelings.  

You’re a boss all day, the most competent person at the company, the best leader in any group… You are constantly projecting your hard, can-do-anything exterior and rarely give into your emotional core. But you want to. In addition to high ideals for your life and career, you have similar ideals for love. You want a deep, passionate connection and always hold back just a little bit when you’re with the wrong person. You may come close to commitment several times, before you finally fall in forever-love with someone who’s supportive, passionate, and allows you to let your guard down and feel.

ESFJ: You’ll get married when you meet someone who finally notices (and appreciates) how big you love.

When someone catches your eye (and heart), you aren’t afraid to dive right in, connect emotionally, care for your partner, and constantly show just how much you care. However, sometimes, you’re prone to people-pleasing — and finding significant others who take advantage of your boundless generosity. When someone finally makes you feel seen for all your efforts and actions, and never takes you for granted? That’s your person. Wait for them.

ESFP: You’ll get married when you’ve enjoyed dating around, and you’re ready for a different adventure.

As an ESFP, you love dating around. The sparks, the unexpected quirks, the new activities and fun stories to tell … you’ll happily exist in your single, quasi-dating in-between for quite a while. When you start to bore of connections that go nowhere, probably closer to 30-ish, is when you’ll settle down. Marriage and parenthood must feel truly exciting to you in order to tempt you. When the idea does finally set your heart aflutter? Well, you’re such a warm, caring person, you’ll have hordes of suitors lining up.

ESTJ: You’ll get married when you’re inspired to slow down and add marriage to your list of goals.

ESTJs keep marriage as an afterthought for a long time. It’s not that you’re not open to love, it just takes a while before you care enough to edit your life plan to accommodate. However, you’re reasonable and rational in the sense that you see no reason to prevent a long-term commitment when you find someone who inspires you to be the best version of yourself. In that case, you’ll happily (and carefully) set a wedding date and call the planner.

INTJ: You’ll get married when you can’t see any barriers toward forever.

It takes a lot for you to feel long-term potential with anyone, which is why you’re always single. However, you’re not a commitment-phobe. You’re just waiting to meet someone who feels right in your gut. One day, you will meet this person who fulfills all your biggest needs — an intellectual equal, to whom you’re attracted, who supports your dreams and shares your beliefs. When you find that rare person, whether it’s at 25 or 55, you’ll do everything in your power to make it work and show them how much you love them, which also means getting hitched.

ISTJ: You’ll get married when you feel like the rock in the relationship.

You’re a crazy-capable human being, able to obtain basically whatever you find most important in life — and real love is on that list. To you, love is not complex. It’s a feeling, sure, but it’s also a commitment to the daily actions that uphold a relationship. You’ll marry when you feel like someone��s rock, or when someone sees you in this endearing superhero light. That kind of love will melt your hard exterior, and you’ll be itching to tie the knot in ways you never thought possible. Since you’re the highly traditional type, too, you’ll likely settle down a bit earlier than most.

INFJ: You’ll get married when someone actually “gets” the unique way you need to feel safe.

You typically act pulled together and rational. You make smart decisions. You are the type-A overachiever. And you make sure to show love and investment toward the closest people in your life. What most don’t see? How sensitive and emotionally complex you are. You will finally couple off when you meet someone who wants to protect your heart. In return, you will fully respect and admire this person, and your bond will feel deep and stable. It might take some time to find that lifetime love, but it will be worth the wait.

ENFP: You’ll get married when someone becomes your soft space, without becoming ho-hum.

You have the personality of an absolute dynamo. You motivate, inspire, and tell others how it is — but always in a way that engages and respects their emotions. Deep down, you want someone equally passionate and exciting, because you thrive on chasing new adventures, discovering new dreams, and taking new risks. You’ll know you’ve met the one when they allow you to be your expansive self, while feeling like your cushion. They’re along for the ride and down for the journey, and derive enjoyment watching you grow in the exact same way you champion others. When you meet that person, at any age, you will be happy to commit.

ENFJ: You’ll get married when someone appreciates (and returns) the million ways in which you love.

You derive a lot of esteem from your relationship and strive to make it the most fulfilling experience for both parties. You do the little things and the big things. You’ll bake brownies, just because you know your significant other likes them. You will talk for hours on the phone if your partner is having a rough few days on a work trip. You’ll also bend over backwards to accommodate your partner’s needs — and will always feel like something is wrong if you aren’t noticed and appreciated for all these efforts. You need that positive feedback and acknowledgment from a partner, with reciprocal action, to feel like the relationship is growing in the right direction. When you can keep that mutual energy and excitement over time, with one awesome person, you’ll gladly say, “I do.”

ISFP: You’ll get married when someone gives you a safe space to be yourself.

You feel emotions deeply. You’re a huge romantic. But you also don’t understand love; you see it as evolving, strange, and hard to capture. So, you don’t actively try to find The One, even though you’re constantly open to meeting new people in your chill, too-cool-for-school way. As you sit back and wait for life to unfold before you, you’ll find yourself gravitating to someone who lets you be your wild, free-spirited, creative self. You don’t force love, you quietly fall in and let it envelop you. And when that safe space you need to express yourself naturally develops with your long-term person, you’ll marry. (Probably elope, actually.)

Jenna Birch is a journalist, a dating coach, and author of  The Love Gap (Grand Central Life & Style, January 2018). Her relationship column appears on Yahoo every Monday. To ask her a question, which may appear in an upcoming post, send an email to jen.birch@sbcglobal.net with “YAHOO QUESTION” in the subject line.

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4 signs your significant other wants to end your relationship — but isn’t telling you

Signs your significant other is ready to move on without you. (Illustration: Hannah Jacobs for Yahoo Lifestyle)

We live in an avoidant culture. We text instead of talk to each other. We email instead of calling a meeting. We ghost instead of explaining ourselves. And sometimes we act shady instead of initiating a breakup.

While I’m certainly not going to claim a flawless record for total interpersonal clarity, and you probably can’t either, I hate the extended “wtf is going on?” death of so many modern-day romances. While ghosting has been widely discussed as a way of ending short-term flings, unexplained fading out of bona fide relationships seems to be just as common.

Such was the case for Taylor, a 30-year-old talent agent whom I interviewed for a book I’m writing about relationships. She described the “one month of tension” preceding the demise of her romance, in which she could sense that her boyfriend was pulling away. He continually said that everything was fine; however, “I thought that maybe he was cheating,” she says. “I was looking around for clues. I wanted him to say, ‘Of course I wouldn’t cheat.’ Instead, he took the pragmatic approach, dismissing my fears rationally.” So, Taylor let it go.

But when her boyfriend began flirting with someone else in front of her at a holiday party, Taylor finally snapped. “It ended in a huge fight,” she recalled. “It was tense. He was about to leave for a work trip and suggested a two-week break, but I wanted to figure it out first. So, we took the weekend.” Taylor thought of ways to work on their relationship during those two days of alone time; her now-ex finally admitted that he wanted to make that break permanent.

In a perfect world, a breakup is mutual. In an avoidant world, no one wants to initiate the conflict, the break, the end, so people have instead gotten into the habit of putting off breakups. However, instead of sidestepping pain, putting off a breakup only extends it. Dealing with the questions and anxiety of a relationship’s slow deterioration is far worse than efficiently cutting the line.

You might, someday, have a partner who wants out but will not tell you. (Or perhaps this scenario sounds very familiar.) Here are some big signs that your partner is withdrawing and you might need to have an honest discussion about where things are headed.

He stops accounting for his time.

Part of the reason you may feel the rift in your relationship before a breakup is because your partner might suddenly be lost for large chunks of time. He’s no longer texting you updates about what he’s doing or calling you as he’s driving home from work. Instead of your having default dinner plans, he might slowly start to bow out on nightly visits to see you and then stop accounting for his time at all.

When your partner wants you to think the best of him, he will explain any behaviors that may give you pause. He will be transparent about his actions; he will let you know when he’s hanging with his buddies or when he’s going to have to take a weekend trip home. He wants you to be comfortable.

If, on the other hand, he doesn’t care about your opinion anymore — or, worse, he wants you to see him in a more negative light — he’ll simply start disappearing in an unapologetic manner.

She drags her feet or stops making plans with you.

Someone who wants to break up, but isn’t pulling the plug, does not want to put dates on the calendar. So, if you suggest buying tickets to her favorite band’s concert a couple of months in advance, she might just say, “Eh, I’d rather not,” or make some excuse for not wanting to go. If you mention needing to plan a getaway during the holiday season, she’ll keep putting off choosing a hotel or booking the flight.

The reason isn’t necessarily that your significant other has no intention of following through on the plans; she may or may not go through with them at the last minute, or when you’re nearly running out of time to book the date. However, she does want the out for as long as possible — and if she chooses to go through with a breakup, she doesn’t want additional messy ties to a future she has no intention of being part of indefinitely.

He avoids conflict or argues incessantly.

Arguments are the result of conflicts and disagreements (shocker, I know). But while very few among us would label these spats as “fun,” they still serve a purpose for most couples. Arguing or debating helps us to see our partner’s viewpoint and ultimately move forward in the relationship in a way that makes both parties happier. In some ways, arguments help us to feel more fully seen, heard, and understood.

“If you’re not fighting, ever, it ain’t real” is something I’ve told many men and women. If you used to have healthy disagreements that suddenly stop, then it’s cause for concern. Your partner may feel that he no longer needs to see your side and resolve issues between you, because he doesn’t plan on sticking around.

Another cause for concern is picking tiny fights, where a molehill becomes a mountain. If he’s criticizing the way you pronounce a word or calling out the amount of energy you spend on friends, then he might be attempting to exacerbate differences between you two. He might be hoping that you pull the plug on the relationship, so he doesn’t have to.

She withholds physical intimacy.

Physical intimacy is sort of like the instinctual glue that holds loving couples together. Touch can cement feelings of affection and intimacy, even after your relationship has turned briefly sour. Think of how many couples enjoy make-up sex, for instance, or even how great it can feel to hold your partner’s hand after an argument or misunderstanding.

It’s hard to be close to someone you’re thinking of leaving, but those quiet yet seismic shifts in the physical relationship are often the warning signs of something deeper. When I ask recently single men and women to tell me how they initially knew something was wrong in their relationship, they often turn to repeated rifts in physical intimacy.

I often tell people with relationship concerns to listen to their gut. It can be unsettling to feel like your partner is pulling away, but don’t indulge the silence and continue to brush your fears under the rug. Don’t jump to conclusions. If you think something is wrong or your partner might want a break, have a direct conversation about it. Highlight examples of behaviors that don’t seem right, or concern you.

Offer support if he or she is going through a tough time — after all, that’s what relationships are all about. But don’t forget to calmly explain how you feel, as well, not just what you see, especially if your significant other denies that there’s a problem.

Remember that a good partner will validate your feelings and want you to feel secure within the relationship. Anything less isn’t built to last.

Jenna Birch is a journalist, a dating coach, and the author of  The Love Gap (Grand Central Life & Style, January 2018). Her relationship column appears on Yahoo every Monday. To ask her a question, which may appear in an upcoming post, send an email to jen.birch@sbcglobal.net with “YAHOO QUESTION” in the subject line.

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Why women should make the first move — and how to do it

Why women should make the first move. (Photo: Getty Images)

I’m a pretty assertive person in most facets of my life. I like to plan and execute. I would rather be proactive than reactive. I also don’t shy away from taking smart risks where the upsides definitely outweigh the downsides. However, when it comes to dating, I’m like the majority of other hetero women I know: I don’t like making the first move on a guy. Ever.

In fact, whenever someone even suggests I make the first move, I frequently balk and revert to my shy 5-year-old self. (“Me? First move?” [Immediately hides under table.])

My reluctance might be cute as a kindergartener’s, but it’s not doing my 20-something incarnation any favors. Here’s the truth: Women everywhere need to make the first move more often; it’s a very good idea for your dating life. To see why, let’s place this old-school gender-dynamic thing under a microscope for a minute.

I can’t ever remember watching a woman make the first move and things going badly. Like so many connections in life, it often goes nowhere. But very seldom, if ever, does it go badly. Just a few weeks ago, my good friend made a move on a guy at a bar. He was coupled (sigh), but he was so enthusiastic and encouraging of her efforts: “Keep doing that!”

There are probably reasons for this. Overall, men are less used to entertaining interest from women than vice versa. So when a woman breaks the mold and makes a first move, it actually stands out quite a lot. Women are more selective in nature and also get more attention overall — these days, both in person and online. For instance, men swipe right on Tinder almost half the time, whereas women swipe right just 14 percent of the time.

Attraction for women is also frequently more layered and unique than it is for guys. For example, in a study from Wake Forest University, researchers showed 4,000 participants photos of 18-to-25-year-old men and women, where they’d quantified potential facets of attractiveness including confidence, body type, sensitivity, style, traditional, class, grooming, and upbeat nature.

Men’s attraction was largely physical, based primarily on appearance and, to some degree, confidence. However, women’s preferences were different and varied. Looks mattered some to the group, but overall they simply did not agree on which characteristics were attractive. Opinions were all over the map.

Last but not least, men may be wired to pick up on female interest. Research from the journal Evolutionary Psychology has shown that straight guys typically overperceive female interest, whereas straight women tend to underperceive how much a man is into them.

What does all this mean for you, as a woman?

Men seem to find more women attractive than vice versa.

The average guy is getting less interest in general, so making a first move stands out — not to mention, you reduce the rejection risk for him, when it’s already lower for you.

You can select for the traits you find attractive if you make a first move (i.e., you like his sense of humor, passion, sensitive side, etc.).

In the scariest, in-person contexts, you’re still probably not going to need to hit him over the head with an “I like you” sign. If you make a reasonable effort to show interest, he’ll pick it up.

I understand how nerve-wracking it can be to put yourself out there, but the odds really are in your favor. Also, among the women I know, those who are the most romantically proactive are currently in the best, longest-lasting relationships. I’ve seen it work. You should try it.

With all that in mind, consider pulling the trigger and making that first move. Here’s how to do it right.

In person, someone you know This is probably the situation in which you want to play it safest, but it’s also the situation in which you have the most information about the person you want to make a first move on. Avoid explicit language about a “date.” If you know the person pretty well, propose something very obvious that “you two” could do together that is also mutually interesting — like a wine tasting, a movie, a concert of an indie band only you guys like. This strategy can also be employed over text, for the more faint of heart.

If you know the person only on an acquaintance level, it’s OK to be slightly more obvious. (There is probably no friendship to lose here anyway, right?) As you’re wrapping up a fabulous conversation, just say, “You know, we should really hang out sometime! What are your plans next week?” If he starts planning on the spot, yay. If he says, “Let me get back to you,” then let him take it from there.

In person, someone you don’t know This situation is one that a lot of people shy away from in the moment, but please keep in mind: You don’t know this person, and there’s absolutely nothing lost if it goes south or the person is taken. Bar none, the best strategy is to ask a question. (“What are you drinking?” “Can you watch my jacket and coffee while I run to the bathroom?” “How do you like that book?” All appropriate.)

See if you can get a conversation rolling. An interested party will chat with you. An uninterested person will probably be polite but shut down the talk almost as quickly as it started. If you’re really on the shy side, don’t open the conversation until you’re in the position to leave the premises at any time. That way, you can make a swift exit — hopefully after you’ve exchanged numbers, but either way.

Apps or online; someone you don’t know This is very low risk, and the guy will probably be more inclined to ask you out if you simply talk to him first. One of my good guy friends put it to me bluntly eons ago: “You have nothing to lose here,” he said. “For a lot of guys, you have to realize that you could be his one match all day on an app.” Since then, I’ve checked a lot of my male friends’ dating app queues; he wasn’t lying. Guys do not get nearly the matches women get, on the whole. Therefore, I always send a message to guys who seem most interesting to me. Always.

The best part of this strategy is that you get to control the conversation from the get-go. (And who doesn’t like control?) If a guy’s profile is witty, I usually just open with something amusing and get the banter going. If his profile has some unique interest that I want to know more about, I start with that. If I’m intrigued about what is going on in some random photo, I ask. But I get to decide what I want to say and thus control the vibe of the conversation right off the bat. Often, this leads to the best outcomes.

It’s that easy! I’ll take my own advice if you will. Do we have a deal?

Jenna Birch is a journalist, a dating coach, and the author of The Love Gap (Grand Central Life & Style, January 2018). Her relationship column appears on Yahoo every Monday. To ask her a question, which may appear in an upcoming post, send an email to jen.birch@sbcglobal.net with “YAHOO QUESTION” in the subject line.

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I can't get over my ex. How do I finally move on?

Breaking up is hard to do. (Photo: Getty Images)

Reader question: I’m divorced. My ex has moved on, but I am still in love with her. I have placed her on a pedestal; no one else compares to her, even though I’ve tried dating again. How do I finally start moving on without her?

I think I speak for everyone when I say that breakups are one of life’s more brutal experiences. There’s the emotional carnage, especially if you’ve been blindsided by your partner. You have to dissolve the ties that bind you together. Friends often choose sides. Photos linger in your iPhone. You constantly see them on social media.

You have to rid yourself of triggers that remind you of your ex, which are everywhere, from physical objects to routines. You can’t stop thinking about the way she used to load the coffee maker in the morning and no longer does. His presence lingers in random places; you find his old band T-shirt tucked in with your laundry.

I know it hurts. But humans have been healing from breakups and creating new relationships for eons. Before we talk the step-by-step process to get over an ex, it’s important to remember that it can be done (and has been done). It just takes time to cycle through the healing process in a steady-but-not-rushed kind of way. Here’s how to do it.

Step #1: Realize that rumination is only helpful to a point. Especially if you were the one who was dumped, it’s common to fixate over aspects of your relationship to determine what went wrong and when. You’re going to find yourself replaying everything that happened looking for clues. You’ll analyze and overanalyze the reasons your partner broke it off; you’ll hunt for those moments you could have been more supportive or attentive or caring. You’ll search for any clue to understanding what exactly was the relationship’s fatal turning point.

This likely sounds exhausting, and that’s because it is. But postbreakup rumination is also adaptive. If relationships that end don’t become learning experiences upon which we can build, then what are they? Wasted time? Absolutely not. You can always do better, improve your relationship skills, choose a more compatible partner, make wiser decisions in the future. Ignoring or repressing your feelings won’t make them disappear. They’ll exist until you deal with them.

There are tons of ways to “deal with them.” Personal analysis is great, and meditative activities like journaling can be helpful to process what you’re feeling. But if the breakup was devastating, you may want to enlist others. A good friend, for instance, can listen closely and give you honest feedback. Sometimes, you might be too hard on yourself or fail to see the situation as clearly as your friend can from an outsider’s perspective.

That said, rumination and analysis are only helpful to a point. Biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher once told me that after you’ve discussed the relationship, learned important lessons, and resolved what went wrong, you’ve got to cut it off. Dwelling is only helpful in the short-term. Continuing to dwell on your ex and your former relationship for months will only prevent you from moving forward.

Step #2: Re-establish yourself again, as a single person. When you build a relationship, you start integrating your significant other into your personal identity. “Me” becomes “we.” You might attribute characteristics of your partner to yourself without even realizing it. You operate as a team. You consult that person for decisions, you check in during the day, you hold each other accountable. Your partner is woven into your routine, your thoughts, and you can’t undo all of that instantly, just because you break up.

Psychologically speaking, the longer you were together, the longer it will likely take to feel settled and whole again — but you will. People split all the time; they build new relationships all the time. And most breakup researchers will tell you that time really does heal the heart; each day you’ll be waking up, retraining your mind, remembering how to be single again. While this is a great and natural process, you can speed the healing along by getting back in touch with yourself.

Be active. Spend time with your friends, especially single ones. Create new routines; if you used to start your day with your ex, maybe start your day by taking a walk with a cup of coffee. Remember what you love again. Maybe you listened to a lot of jazz, because your ex liked it and you thought it was OK. (This is the time to break out your shameless Top 40 playlist.) Meditate. Do whatever helps you feel at peace.

At the same time, you should get rid of everything that reminds you of your ex. Don’t spend six weeks with your ex’s stuff lying around your apartment; get it back to him or her immediately. Delete your ex from social media channels. You may want to get rid of pictures, songs that remind you of time you spent together, or whatever is a psychological setback.

Step #3: Date others, but keep your comparisons in check. Depending on your personality, dating after a breakup can be filled with a lot of emotions — especially if you’ve been in a relationship for years. Some people find this process of discovering new potential partners exhilarating, while others might find it produces feelings of dread or anxiety. Whatever the case, you do need to start moving on when you feel like you know who you are again as single.

There are some caveats to dating again. First, some comparisons are natural and normal. Comparisons are how we humans form opinions and make decisions. That said, remember that you are not trying to re-create your previous relationship. You are trying to create an entirely new relationship with an entirely new person. If you compare everyone to your ex, where he or she is a 10 and everyone else is reaching toward that standard, no one will ever live up to that person. Thinking of your ex as perfect is not real and it’s only going to hold you back. Try to cut that type of thinking out ASAP. Date people who intrigue you in new ways; apps and online dating can help expose you to new “types.”

That said, sometimes people delude themselves into less-than relationships after breakups, just because they really want to get over a former flame or don’t want to be alone. Don’t fall into that trap. You want to build a relationship based on chemistry, connection, and compatibility. So, go slow. Ask yourself if you feel real potential with a new person. After a month or two, it’s OK to remember how you felt with an ex (or exes) you loved as a gut check. If connection just isn’t there, it’s OK to move along.

Step #4: Be open with potential partners if you’re struggling. If you break up with a person who was extremely significant in your life — someone you thought you might marry, someone you did marry — then it may take longer to bounce back. You might consider therapy to resolve your feelings and come up with personalized strategies to move on, date again, and build a stronger relationship with someone new.

If you realize you’re still struggling while dating someone new, though, the one thing you must do is be honest and open about where you’re at in the post-relationship journey. Don’t discuss your ex with a new partner again and again, because this might cause your current flame to feel inadequate. Say you’re dealing with your emotions about the breakup and trying to find your footing again, therefore you might move a little more slowly than normal. The right person will understand, appreciate your honesty, and go at your pace.


Jenna Birch is a journalist, a dating coach, and the author of  The Love Gap (Grand Central Life & Style, January 2018). Her relationship column appears on Yahoo every Monday. To ask her a question, which may appear in an upcoming post, send an email to jen.birch@sbcglobal.net with “YAHOO QUESTION” in the subject line.

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How to Figure Out If Someone Has Relationship Potential After Only One Date

First dates can determine a lot. (Illustration: Hannah Jacobs for Yahoo Style)

Today’s dating culture isn’t one of immediate investment. With apps like Tinder, Bumble, Match, and the League flooding the landscape, you can have dates round the clock if you’d like.

Many daters, especially in big cities, set up multiple dates over the course of an evening: happy hour drink with one person, dinner around 7:30 or 8 p.m. with another, and a late-night cocktail with yet another. In less hectic settings, dating can still be a frenzied mix ’n’ match process. Friends of mine, when really invested and committed to the process, have averaged three dates with three different prospects in a week.

Needless to say, today’s version of dating can feel more like speed dating. You’re trying to gather information on dates as efficiently as possible, to see if you have enough in common to keep going, while still putting your best foot forward. No easy task.

The first date is actually the best time to sleuth out some important information, because you’re generally operating in a pretty clear headspace. You’re not super invested in the person sitting next to you, nor are you blinded by chemistry. I’m going to assume you already know to watch out for how your date treats the wait staff and other obvious advice for first dates. (Keep looking for those basic tenets of kindness, character, and respect.) The below advice is a step beyond.

While you can’t gather everything you need to know in one few-hour meeting, you can make a great start. Here’s your first-date cheat sheet.

How does your date discuss the current nature of his or her life? Daters generally tell you who they are, the question is: “Are you listening?” People who aren’t ready for a real relationship will tell you all the reasons they aren’t. They’ll be super busy at work; considering a move; about to start grad school; fresh from a breakup; about to go away on a long work trip. Notice the roadblocks that people bring up, especially if they don’t explain them away in an attempt to make you feel better.

If a person casually tosses out a bunch of barriers to intimacy, you can assume there may be some timing issues — even if you two do connect. If you don’t mind someone who’s slower to warm up and commit, feel free to proceed with caution. If you don’t like that the person is presenting 29,430 barriers to relationship status on the first date, you can move on to someone who’s more available.

How does your date react to your life, your goals, and your plans? You want someone who is going to be genuinely supportive of your immediate and longer-term goals, so it’s important to see if that person acts engaged and interested when you talk about them. Does your date think it’s fascinating that you want to open a bakery in the future, and ask you why? Or does that person simply wave it off with an, “Oh, cool, that’s fun … Do you want to get another round?”

Some people dominate the conversation with their goals and dreams. They are looking for a plus-one who will fit into their life, not a partnership in which two dynamic timelines will need to merge into one. If that’s fine with you, then tally forth. But if adapting to someone else’s schedule isn’t your cup of tea, this might not be a match made in heaven.

How does your date talk about family, friends, and exes? Maybe you connect easily, have a marathon date, and wind up talking about some deep issues. Great! I’m not really one for dating rules. You can and should talk about the big stuff whenever it feels natural and right. However, beware the person who has a lot of broken relationships, and talks about others with resentment or ire.

Lots of narcissists are charismatic. They can create chemistry. You may feel you connect with them instantly — so beware the love-bomber, who showers you with attention, sweet-talks you right off the bat, and attempts to create an automatic relationship to suck you in. Also, watch out for magnetic people who tell you they have poor relationships with family, almost no close friends, and exes who are “crazy” or unreasonable.

According to psychologist Alexandra Solomon, PhD, it’s essential to find a partner with relational self-awareness. This means some can take a “curious stance” when looking at their relationships. They have perspective; they see past breakups as “some stuff you did wrong, some stuff I did wrong,” listen to feedback without getting defensive, see how relationships have shaped their life trajectory, and deal with their feelings in a healthy manner (discuss them versus act out).

Watch how your dates casually discuss people who have passed through their lives. Can they be critical of themselves when appropriate? Are they taking that information, applying it, and trying to create stronger relationships in the future? Or is it “all the other person’s fault”?

Do you seem potentially compatible? It’s fun to see if you have chemistry with a new dating prospect; however, before you get swept away in that blinding flood of hormones, take a moment to gauge compatibility. I’m not saying you can know if you are truly compatible after one date, but you can sometimes know if you are not compatible — even if you like the person.

You should walk into each first date knowing what you need at baseline (does a partner need to be the same religion as you? have similar values? a wicked sense of humor?), and also keeping an open mind about the wish-list items (height, job, education, etc). If you’re in love with the city, and your date’s major goal in life is to move out to a ranch in Montana, your futures may not align. If religion is a deal breaker, and you find someone who’s practicing another faith, you may want to consider bowing out early.

At the end of the day, it’s probably better to “next” incompatible partners than to get emotionally entrenched in a relationship with insurmountable barriers.

Does the interaction feel reciprocal and open? Dominating the conversation is uncomfortable if you’re the one talking nonstop, and overwhelming if your date seems all about themselves. Dates should feel generally reciprocal. Conversation should have flow, even if there are a few lulls, or nerves get the best of you. Keep in mind, men tend to be slower to open up than women. Research suggests men find women who are willing to open up about themselves on a first date more attractive, aka those who use the word I more frequently. So if you’re a woman on a date with a man, don’t be afraid to talk more than you listen, especially if he’s asking lots of questions to prove he’s interested and engaged.

Overall, though, openness should be met with openness. You’re on the date to push yourself out of your comfort zone and see if you have enough in common, if you can connect on some level, or if you just can’t. You should feel like the person sitting across from you is forthcoming, especially if you ask a direct question.

Once, I had a lurking suspicion about someone’s history of fidelity, so I directly asked if he’d ever cheated on a girlfriend. I would have listened to the explanation; I genuinely wanted to know what he’d say. Instead of providing a brief but honest answer (mistake, youth, etc.), he simply said, “I’m not telling you that.” That opaqueness did not sit well; we did not have another date.

How does the person act after the date? Some people date to meet tons of new people. Some date to get over an ex. Some date because they’re bored. Others date because they want to improve their skills in the art of seduction, or have sex. If you’re looking for a relationship prospect in this sea of suitors, you have to gauge how the persons acts after a date.

If you had a good time, I’d text and say so; some people really do doubt themselves, and may talk themselves out of someone they really like. Anyone who is worth your time will respond positively and set up another date almost immediately, or within a day or two maximum. Anyone who can’t make time for you once a week in the beginning, more as you progress, is distracted — by other commitments, all the options on the dating market, a breakup, or something else entirely. Your best bet is to look for someone who is emotionally available and ready to invest the time and attention a real relationship requires.

Jenna Birch is a journalist, a dating coach, and the author of  The Love Gap (Grand Central Life & Style, January 2018). Her relationship column appears on Yahoo every Monday. To ask her a question, which may appear in an upcoming post, send an email to jen.birch@sbcglobal.net with “YAHOO QUESTION” in the subject line.

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Your Biggest ‘Blind Spot’ Based on Your Myers-Briggs Type

Odds are, you’re not seeing everything clearly. (Photo: Getty Images)

You might be an awesome, exciting, self-actualizing, and self-aware human being. (In fact, I’ll bet you are!) But still, there are likely facets of the world that you just can’t see clearly. Everyone tends to lean into their strengths, subconsciously rejecting simple realities that could help them to become more well-rounded people.

Every Myers-Briggs personality type has “blind spots” with respect to how they perceive the world. Recognizing and acknowledging these blind spots can help you grow, strengthen your decision-making abilities, and enable you to have better relationships — you just need someone to point out the hidden truths that you might be missing. So with that in mind, here are the classic blind spots associated with different Myers-Briggs types. Find your type, find your blind spot.

Note: The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is a personality test that helps us to better understand ourselves and the people who surround us in our day-to-day lives. It tells us what we do with incoming information — how we process it and use it to make decisions. If you don’t know your type, a quick online quiz can help you find out.

The type: ENTP The blind spot: The beauty of the well-trodden path.  You like to do your own thing, to innovate, and you have a tendency to cut new paths rather than follow the norm. That said, in an effort to break the mold, you may have a tendency to reject anything that seems like familiar territory — phrases like “tradition for the sake of tradition” and “the way things have always been done” terrify you. In reality, it’s OK to like vanilla ice cream, have a church wedding, or settle in your hometown. Familiar paths are not lesser. They can even be the best, most fulfilling way to go.

The type: ISTP The blind spot: Relying on others.  You’re the most independent type on the planet, and you relish your freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want. In fact, you might fear that relying on others, building relationships, or maintaining a tight circle of friends will hinder your individual growth and worldly exploration. This simply isn’t the case; in reality, you just need to find people who listen to you, understand you, and accept you for who you are. The right people will accept your need for space, and relying on others can enhance your experiences and help you make stronger decisions. All relationships are not limiting in nature.

The type: ESFJ The blind spot: The benefits of argument.  You are, by definition, a person who likes to make others feel comfortable — and you are hypersensitive to perceived conflict. It’s great that you want to keep the peace, but some people aren’t just disagreeing to be difficult. Speaking up can be a way to express individuality or understand differences, and inciting an argument might be a way to test ideas. If you use disagreement for better understanding, it’s actually an amazing way to bring people together.

The type: ESFP The blind spot: Going with the flow. Although you are the fun, happy-go-lucky friend in almost every social situation, you tend to catastrophize when left to your own devices. You remember situations that went wrong — the car broke down on the highway, winter weather caused your friend’s flight delay — which can prevent you from taking any forward-thinking action. Remember that you thrive when you let life play out and adapt to it, and not when you worry relentlessly about events that will probably never take place (if you’re really honest with yourself).

The type: ESTJ The blind spot: Empathy.  You are incredibly impartial and objective, and like to bring the hard line of logic and reason to everything you do. That said, sometimes considering the feelings of others (and your own) can actually help you execute more effectively. Remember that the next time someone has an emotional outburst at work, or your partner is being way too hard on himself. Supportively helping someone put their feelings into perspective, rather than simply dismissing them outright, can help you get back to those rational solutions more quickly.

The type: INTJ The blind spot: Staying humble.  You are so forward-thinking and analytical that you often think you can place anyone or any situation into your theoretical model of the universe. Meanwhile, you aren’t taking into account that even the best guesses are not always correct; people change their minds, have changes of heart, or are dealing with unforeseen variables that affect the result. You are smart, but you are not always right — and sometimes, you need to accept the fact that irrational forces influence the way the world plays out.

The type: ISFJ The blind spot: Flexibility in relationships. You’re one of the MBTI’s biggest romantics and tend to internalize romantic ideals from a young age. You’ve always been observant, so you may end up thinking the “perfect” relationship is the one that has been modeled for you since birth. However, if you strive for this, you may miss the forest for the trees; the point of a great relationship is mutual fulfillment, not to re-create what your parents had (or what all your favorite rom-com or literature heroines had). If you feel unsatisfied with your relationships, ditch the model in your head. Date different people. Try new things. Be open to the right one coming in a totally unexpected package, but still making you feel the feelings for which you’ve always hoped.

The type: ESTP The blind spot: Planning ahead.  You rely heavily on your ability to live in the moment and work your way through every situation — and you’re great at it. There’s no more perceptive, adaptable type than yours. That said, there are certain long-term considerations you need to make to get the most out of life and help others work with you. After all, you can’t just wake up one morning and have the career you want or expect the person you love to commit to you with no eye for the future. All plans don’t have to box you in; just view them as flexible road maps, where you can reroute if it makes sense down the line.

The type: INTP The blind spot: Seeing strengths in emotion.  Like pretty much everyone else, you often crave that physical connection with others. You see the purpose in sharing ideas and having thoughtful discussion. But you tend to view love and emotion as humanity’s weak spot. In your attempt to understand how the world works and make the best possible decisions for yourself, feelings seem totally irrational to you and seem to complicate people’s lives more than solve their problems. In reality, you need to look at emotionally based concepts through a different lens. If logic is the black-and-white outline of the universe, love and feeling is what colors the world. Surrendering to the (occasional) craziness can be a healthy outlet for you.

The type: INFP The blind spot: Finding joy in stability. You’re the romantic, the dreamer, the lover, the wanderer… So you often loathe the sides of life that don’t seem to be brimming with potential, such as setting down roots in a stable community or getting a job in a stable field like business or engineering. However, having metaphorical roots in your life can actually help you to grow your wings. That structured job can lead to more money, allowing you to travel and explore. Or that rock-solid partner can be the awesome base that grounds you and helps you to take care of the practical parts of life, like paying bills and planning for the future. Don’t reject normalcy and stability outright; look at how it may benefit you.

The type: ENTJ The blind spot: Having an open mind.  Love and dating may be your Achilles’ heel. Instead of looking for real factors of compatibility, like having the same long-term plans or getting along, you look for someone with the “right ingredients” of the perfect partner on paper — and then try to bring the relationship about by sheer force of will. Although you can achieve just about any other goal this way, relationships are much different. Irrational emotions do matter. Feelings may fire up with someone totally unexpected but make you happy and fulfilled nonetheless.

The type: ISTJ The blind spot: Risk taking. You really like following the clear-cut path, because you know you can do whatever needs to be done — and do it well. Imagining new possibilities, like studying abroad or forgoing your “type” to date your opposite, can seem tiresome instead of intriguing. Why try something new when the old still works? Because good is the enemy of great, that’s why. You don’t know what you’re missing out on until you expand your horizons — and you might find a path that suits you better than the typical one you’re currently on.

The type: INFJ The blind spot: Simplicity.  You tend to see life as one giant landscape where everything is connected. You are especially in tune with how people are connected to each other and how you are connected to everyone else in your life. As a result, you start to read between the lines for hidden messages that may not exist. Remember that not everything has a deeper meaning. If a friend says she can’t hang out a couple times in a row, that doesn’t mean she no longer wants to be friends. When your partner seems irritable several days in a row, he might simply be forging through work problems that have nothing to do with you or the relationship. Don’t assume first; ask questions, or simply remember that there are more variables affecting interactions than you’re aware of — as aware as you may be.

The type: ENFP The blind spot: The good parts about settling down. You tend to value your passion, individuality, and ability to jump in with both feet. You love trying new things and want to explore the world (and people) as much as possible. However, you can subconsciously look down on others who don’t share your ideals — people who’d rather settle down early and have kids, for instance, or who are content with traditional roles. It’s important to respect people for the lives they want to live, even if they don’t break new ground, and to appreciate that everyone desires a different type of life experience. Those people you view as stable, loving, and contained often create the backbone of society. Where would we be without them?

The type: ENFJ The blind spot: Logic.   You typically feed off of what you feel and trust those internal forces to guide you down the right path. You make decisions based on emotion and energy. You believe in gut feelings and tend to follow your instincts. You hate the idea of overanalyzing each step of your life. However, all that emotional energy can blind you to the best decision. When your life seems like a train rolling uncontrollably down the tracks, stop. Take a step back and think over how to make the best step forward. Sleep on it. Have you pursued a romantic flame too far, when you should let them go? Have your instincts led you into a career path that is no longer fulfilling, but you don’t want to give up the dream? Sometimes, detaching from your emotion is the answer to your problem.

The type: ISFP The blind spot: Practicality. You love to put art, individuality, and relationships above all else in life. While it’s great that you follow your heart, it’s also important to make practical considerations. You might need to keep that stable job while you build your career as a creative, end an unhealthy relationship that doesn’t make sense despite an abundance of love, or start a retirement fund instead of going on that writer’s retreat. Being sensible sometimes does not make you less committed to your dreams or ideals.

Jenna Birch is a journalist, a dating coach, and author of  The Love Gap (Grand Central Life & Style, January 2018). Her relationship column appears on Yahoo every Monday. To ask her a question, which may appear in an upcoming post, send an email to jen.birch@sbcglobal.net with “YAHOO QUESTION” in the subject line.

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