#You know it in your stupid cheeto orange bird heart

[harpoonsnotspoons]

"Hal on a scale of one to ten how down bad am I?"

That's not a question I thought I'd be asked ever

[whumpster-fire]

Hi, Tumblr! It’s your favorite cartoon star and overall badass, Wendy Weasel! IHC left a little crack in the fourth wall, and as you know us weasels can slip through a space one sixth the thickness of a human hair, so I’ve taken over this blog for April Fool’s Day. You probably won’t notice any difference other than the posts actually being on topic instead of making stupid jokes about a ship stuck in a canal.

And “on-topic” means... “whump?” Seriously, that’s a stupid name - anyway,  apparently this sick fuckin’ creep made an entire blog dedicated solely to torturing fictional characters. Can ya believe it? Obviously even reading about such twisted, wanton cruelty is going to scar my young, impressionable mind for life, but based on my meticulous study of this blog, I think I can write prompts that are completely indistinguishable from the ones usually posted on this blog. Check this out!

(Jokes aside, this is going behind a cut for jokes about animal cruelty and suicide, read at your own risk)

Imagine the whumpee attempting to rollerblade down an endless flight of stairs. The moron. The dunderhead. The absolute buffoon. Imagine your favorite character immediately losing control, falling, and tumbling down the unyielding concrete steps like an idiot slinky. Imagine them breaking the sound barrier, hitting a landing, and their rollerskates disintegrating on impact. Imagine the whumpee lying, bruised and broken and mangled at the bottom on an infinite flight of stairs, in a pool of their own blood, as bystanders point and laugh and take videos to put on Youtube. Imagine a single rollerblade wheel bouncing down the stairs and smacking them in the face.

Imagine the whumpee slipping on a banana peel. And breaking their spine. And then being in a wheelchair for the rest of their life. But then their wheelchair also slips on a banana peel and flips over. And they can’t get up, so they have to crawl around everywhere. But then their strength gives way, and they collapse from exhaustion... onto the original banana peel. Which is really fucking gross because it’s been like a month by now. And that causes them to throw up in their mouth.

Imagine a box of meowing kittens. Imagine all of them being taken home by kind, loving owners, except one. The kitten’s all alone in the box. Orphaned. No friends. And it’s raining. Imagine your favorite character walking by, and hearing the tiny kitten crying, and their heart being moved by such a pathetic sight. Imagine them reaching into the box and picking the little kitty up. Heartwarming, isn’t it? Now imagine them picking that little kitty-cat up by the scruff of its neck. Imagine them taking a lighter and, uhh, breaking it open and pouring all the lighter fluid on the kitten. And then taking another lighter and setting it on fire. And drop-kicking it onto the busy freeway. And the kitten being run over by a truck. And then as it’s lying there, guts all over the fucking pavement, meowing “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” imagine a guy on a motorbike stopping and walking up to the kitten. And stomping on its face. Because it’s still on fire. See, this is the realism and internal consistency Whumpster-Fire prides himself on, he’s really fucking full of himself. And then a limousine screeches to a halt, but runs over the kitten again anyway, and a Hollywood talent agent steps out. And he goes “Oh my god, what a heart-wrenching emotional performance! What do you call it?” And your favorite character says: “The Aristocats!” And then Mickey Mouse shows up and he runs the kitten through a meat grinder and sues it for copyright infringement!

Imagine a dragon. But it’s a nice dragon. It’s a nice adorable tiny baby dragon but nobody knows it because humans are mean and nasty. Get it, I’m subverting fantasy tropes by having the monster be the good guy. Aren’t I original? My Nobel Prize in literature’s in the mail, I swear. Anyway, imagine a bunch of evil knights kicking the baby dragon, and hitting it with swords, and then stapling its wings to a billboard and leaving it up there. Forever.

Imagine the whumpee’s this sad-eyed raccoon kid, who’s a criminal because raccoons are sneaky. And he gets caught and taken to jail because he’s not as sneaky and clever as he thinks he is. And all the other criminals all make fun of him because he has this stupid fucking fake British Oliver Twist accent. And his voice always cracks and gets really squeaky whenever anyone calls him a Trash Panda. So he’s sad and he ties his orange prison jumpsuit into a knot and hangs himself from the bars. The end.

Imagine the whumpee is a robot who gets kidnapped and they smash dents with her with a crowbar and force her to wear clown makeup, and go out on stage and perform for a bunch’a dumbass kids, but nobody likes her because clowns aren’t funny. So she snaps and tries to scare the kids instead, but nobody scared of her because clowns in horror is so fucking overdone. And they all boo her and throw tomatoes at her, and the clown robot just stands there and cries tears of oil that ruin her clown makeup.

Imagine the whumpee’s a fairy, but with bird wings because he saw what happened to the kitten and doesn’t want to get sued by Disney. But then he flies into one of those bug zapper things and gets electrocuted - but he’s still alive - and then a bunch of kids burn him with a magnifying glass.

Imagine the whumpee shivering, and trembling, and whimpering, and breathing heavily, for ninety paragraphs straight, until they pass out from exhaustion and boredom at the repetitive writing.

Imagine the whumpee getting stripped naked and chained to a bed... and then the bed getting thrown out a window and the whumpee getting sliced to ribbons by the glass cuts, and then falling into an icy cold river and nearly drowning! Gotcha, didn’t I? This is a family friendly blog, so that means no actual porn, only torture porn!

Imagine a cute, innocent puppy being horribly mauled to within an inch of its life by other dogs, and dragging itself across five miles of rusty nails and broken glass and barbed wire, but then the caretaker picks it up and cuddles it and gives it a band-aid so everything’s fine.

Imagine the whumpee slowly sinking into quicksand. Nah, how about a tarpit. Or that slime stuff they have on Nickolodeon.

Imagine the moment when the whumpee realizes they’ve just walked off a cliff and there’s no ground underneath them, and looking back with a really sad look on their face before they start falling.

Imagine the whumpee is a pokemon who gets caught by Michael Vick and forced to brutally fight other pokemon and get mauled over and over and over.

Imagine the whumpee sobbing into a bowl of Cheetos as they realize nobody reads their fucking animal cruelty torture porn or cares about their dumbass opinions, and nobody’s laughing at their shitty bloodstained solo cup background image.

Wow... y’know, I really think I’ve captured the essence of this blog perfectly. You might as well just shut it down after this, it’s all downhill from here. I’ve broken “whump” down to its bare essentials. All the emotion! All the character development! All the poetic imagery! Hey, maybe I should just run this blog all year round! I’m obviously a way better writer than you - although that’s kinda scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Fuck it, I’m going to bed. Actually, nah, I’m printing this out for Riley to read. Maybe he’ll recognize himself in one of the characters, who knows...

[shanedawsonfanfiction-blog]

But I Am Not A Superhero. Chapter 2.

Chapter Two. November 22, 2017.

It had been a few days since Shane asked me to visit him and I told him that I would. I was sitting in the living room, in gray sweatpants, a black tank top and gray hooded sweatshirt. It was sort of chilly so my eight-something pound body was cold. My mother and Sophia had already left for work and school, so I was utterly all alone. Well, besides the pets, of course. I was watching ‘Live with Kelly and Ryan’ while I sipped my coffee when my phone dinged.

‘I wonder who that might be.’

I knew it wasn’t Shane because he went to bed an hour ago.  I put my blue coffee cup down and grabbed my phone, then I looked at it. I had a Facebook message from my best online friend, Jennifer who lived in Salem, Oregon. She was a mother of an autistic sixteen year boy.

We met on a Harry Potter Facebook group about a year ago and we soon became very close, in so many ways I thought of her as a much older sister. I actually hadn’t messaged her in a few days because I was totality sidetracked by Shane and packing for my trip.

Jenn- Good morning, I haven’t heard from you in a few days, so I am checking on you. How are you? Are you doing okay? Did your depression hit you again?

I clicked on the message bar and typed out my message to her then I hit send.

Jessa- Hey! I am doing okay, just been kinda busy. I have huge news! No depression, I am actually happy.

I put down my phone next to my right thigh so it would be easier for me to pick it back up. I picked up my coffee cup and took some sips from it. I was kind of watching the show that was on. I never actually watched ‘Live’.

I just turned on the news in the morning when I got up around seven o’clock each morning then around eleven in the morning when ‘The View’ turned on that is when I would change the channel to ION so I could watch my crime shows for the rest of the day.

I have a very boring life. I thought to myself as I sipped my coffee.

I heard my phone ding again and I picked it up as I put my coffee cup down on the end table that was next to me on my left.

Jenn- Happy is good! Why are you happy? What is your news?

I smiled softly as I typed out my message with my two thin boney thumbs. People said that when they either got a message from me or saw me texting that said I typed really fast. Never knew why I typed fast, I just knew that I always typed fast.

Jessa- I am going to be in California for a while starting on Dec. 7th. I am very happy and very excited.

I didn’t tell her about Shane, because obviously she wouldn’t believe me. I mean come on, actually knowing a semi-famous person, yeah right. Nobody would believe me.

I picked up my coffee and took a few sips from it, I was finally waking up.

Bella jumped up next to me and put her little head on my lap, I petted her with my free hand, “I know, sweetie. You hate it when Momma is gone at work. She’ll be home later tonight, I promise.” I told her then stood up, “I’ll be right back.” I said as she gave me a sad look, “I said I will be right back.” I shook my head at her.

I walked to the bathroom and I did my business then washed my hands. I walked back out to the small hallway and tripped over Persephone’s sister, Lucy. She was a very pretty looking tuxedo short haired cat. Lucy was playing with a small orange pom-pom. I caught myself with a hand on the wall, “Silly cat.” I said softly then walked back to the couch.

Bella sat up so that I could sit back down in my spot, “Thank you for keeping my seat warm for me, sweetie-pie.” I patted her head, “Did my phone ding?” I asked her as if she could answer me, I knew perfectly well that she couldn’t. I checked it and saw nothing. I put my phone back down then pulled my legs up onto the couch so that I could get more comfortable.

I must’ve fallen asleep because when Bella and Tobias started barking at something I jerked awake, “What?” I asked, completely startled.

I looked out the huge bay window and saw the mailman walking off of the porch, “Oh shut up, he brings us nice things. He even brings you your toy box.” I said to the dogs. Bella got a monthly box called ‘Bark Box’. She would get two toys that fit her size and she would two or three full size bags of heathy treats.

I picked up my phone and unlocked it, to see if I gotten any messages while I was asleep. I realized that I slept for an hour when I looked at my phone. I had one new message from Jennifer waiting for me, so I clicked on it and read her message.

Jenn- Just you? Or are you going with your family?

I quickly typed out my message then hit send.

Jessa- I am going on my own! I am going to stay with a friend of mine for a while.

I grabbed my empty coffee cup and stood up, walked to the kitchen to make another cup of coffee. Bella of course, followed me. When I reached the counter where the coffee maker was, she brushed against my right leg, letting me know that she was beside me.

“Hi, baby.” I said softly to her, “I know you gotta follow Momma and you follow me when she isn’t home, because you are still a baby at heart.”  Bella was a five year old but still acted like a five month old.

I brewed myself a cup of coffee and added some Reese’s creamer then walked back to the living room.

Tobias was sniffing around the end table where my coffee cup was sitting on while I was sleeping, obviously looking for food or something to chew on. He was nearly a year old and still acted like a two month old.

“What are you doing?” I said to him raising my eye brows. He gave me that ‘I am a sad dog’ look and jumped down slowly, “Thank you.” I said as I sat down.

I drank my second cup of coffee as I thought of the things that I would bring with me to California. I knew that I would bring a few books, because I was almost always reading a book. I also knew that Shane was a night owl as I was an early bird, so most likely I would be alone in the early mornings, so I needed stuff to entertain me while he was asleep.

Then I thought of what I had in my black dresser drawer, I chewed my lower lip, I lost my coloring in my face, “Would Mom poke around my room while I am gone?” I asked out loud, knowing that the pets couldn’t answer me, “Or what about Sophia?” I made a face. She used to snoop around my room when I was out with friends, I knew this because stuff would be moved and whenever I asked my mother she would say it wasn’t her and I’d have my door shut so I knew it wasn’t any of the pets. So, obviously I was worried she’d find my X-rated drawer that I had in my bedroom.

I quickly left my seat on the couch and walked into my room and crouched down to open the bottom black dresser drawer, I grabbed my two glass dildos and my flesh colored nine inch realistic dildo then I placed them all in a plastic bag. Then placed the plastic bag in the blue bag that my other mindless stuff would be packed into, “Hopefully Shane won’t want to help me unpack. That would be awkward.” I muttered softly as I zipped up the blue bag that was besides my bed.

My mother knew about one of the glass dildos but she didn’t know that I added to the collection, so I was afraid that she would freak out and who knew what she would do with them.  

I walked back out to the living room and found Bella’s face in my coffee cup, “There is nothing in there, you silly girl.” I told her shooing her from my spot on the couch.

‘What is with my pets and coffee?’

I heard my phone ding again, Jennifer must’ve messaged me again, so I looked at my phone and read the message then replied to her.

Jenn- That is amazing! You will have a great time.

Jessa- I hope so! I am kinda scared too but excited more than anything else.

After I replied to Jennifer, I watched mindless television for about an hour without any messages coming through, so I almost fell back to sleep.  

About a half hour of trying not to sleep, I heard Shane’s ringtone. I found myself smiling as I answered it, “Hey, I thought you were going to sleep?” I asked, jokingly.

I heard him roll over and sheet covers rustle, so he was still in bed. I tried not to imagine him in bed, but it was hard. I wondered what he wore to bed. “I tried to but the ghosts wouldn’t let me.” He sighed heavily.

He had done a few videos talking about his three ghosts that he had at his house. One of the ghosts was a younger man, which actually followed him from his other house that he had with his mother. Another one was his grandma, and then the last was an older man that actually died in his house that he was living in now.

‘Creepy.’

So the ghosts that he had at his house weren’t that too dangerous, they were just pranksters and his grandma just kept a watchful eye on him. Even knowing about them, I still wanted to visit him. Unexplained noises and seeing dark shadows didn’t bother me like other “normal” people.

It was because I believed in ghosts. I have ever since I was a young child. When I was about nine years old, we lived in Novi, Michigan we were living in an apartment and I swore that my bathroom was haunted. It was always ice cold in there even when it was in the summer and I never felt alone in there when I was alone.

“Stupid ghosts.” I told him, folding my legs so that I was in a ball on the couch, “Did you know that in one of your many food videos that there was an orb that shoot across the counter behind you?”

Shane didn’t sound shocked, “My drunken foods video? Yeah, I saw the orb when I edited the video. I left that bit in the video to see if any viewers would spot it.”

“I remember you saying that Cheeto was hissing and meowing at you in the beginning of the video, well that was probably why. I know that animals can sense ghosts and whatnot.” I said to him as I watched Lucy and Persephone play around on the cream colored cat tree that was next to the huge bay window.

“I know. Cheeto can sense the ghosts in my house.” He said then he sighed then I heard him move covers from his bed then heard footsteps, “Give me a few seconds. I gotta pee.”

“I had heard you pee before, Shane. It had been years ago. So it’s okay.” I said, blushing slightly. Thankfully he made it so I couldn’t actually hear him. He probably put the phone to his chest or something.

In one of his older videos, he had peed kind of on camera. Don’t worry, none of the viewers could see anything that they shouldn’t have seen. If you get what I am trying to say, he wouldn’t been able to post that kind of video on YouTube. All the viewers could see was his face and nothing else. He was very open with his viewers.

The video in question was called ‘This Video Is Too Personal.’

I heard the flush then he washed his hands, “I am so tired but I need to finish editing videos and post the one for today.”

“You work a lot.” I said, sighing softly, “You post four videos a week and edit the ones you already videotaped. You have been doing YouTube for ten plus years without any major breaks. As I remember you always posted every day on all three of your channels for years.”

“Trust me, I am well aware.” He said laughing slightly, “I probably have the longest running YouTube channel ever.” I heard the coffee maker brewing so he was in his kitchen.

‘He was right, though. He made his first ‘Shane Dawson TV’ video in 2008 and he hadn’t stopped ever since.’

“That is fucking crazy. At least you love what you are doing. You do love what you are doing, right? I said, playing with a strain of my hair that was in my right eye and bothering me.

“Of course I do! I adore what I do on YouTube. Trust me, if I hated what I was doing, I’d fucking stop. But as of right now, I have no plans on stopping, maybe doing three videos per week instead of four.”

I heard him move the phone away from his mouth as he holler something to Uno and then I heard him feed both Cheeto and Uno, “Sorry about that, Uno was acting like an ass.”

“No problem, I understand.” I said smiling at Bella, who was looking at me with her Cocker Spangler looking ears raised slightly so that they looked like little furry pigtails. “My dogs are assholes at feeding times.” I looked at Persephone and Lucy who were fast asleep on the cat tree, “The cats are even more assholes than the dogs though.”

He heard his laugh again, “I get that, I had some cats that were assholes.” I heard him open a cupboard door and him setting a pan on his stove.

‘He was probably making himself breakfast. We made a weird pair, he ate his feelings while I drowned myself with galleons of coffee and hardly ever ate a full meal.’

I laughed with him, “Yeah. Cute, furry lovable assholes that have claws.” I petted Bella’s ears, “I’ll always be an animal lover. Maybe even be a crazy cat lady.”

“I could see that. You always said that you loved cats.” Shane said, “I wouldn’t mind having a houseful of dogs and cats.”

I laughed, twirling that same strain of my hair, “I also thought of something that we could do while I am there, we could have a horror movie marathon. I know you have a lot of great horror movies.”

“I do, so that sounds like a plan. Maybe we can start on the first night you get here.” He actually sounded excited and I couldn’t help it but I smiled, because it was so adorable.

“So that I would be too scared to sleep? Oh great idea, Shane.” I shook my head a little, “I do love horror movies but I don’t like watching them at night because I won’t be able to sleep.”

I could hear him talking softly to someone then I heard the sound of shopping bags or something like that, then he came back on the phone, “Sorry my weekly food delivery has just arrived. I’m back.”

“You get your food delivered for you?” I asked, half amused and the other half in shock as I shook my head a little.

“Yup, I just put what I want on a list and a person gets the food for me then delivers it to my house.” He said, putting away his food delivery away.

“I knew that you use Uber now but I didn’t actually you used that food delivery thing also. Perks of being rich, I guess.” I joked, standing up and walking to the kitchen, searching for something to snack on. Not because I was hungry but because I was bored.

“No, not because I am rich, you could use it too. It’s an app.” Shane said, balling up the bags, I had to pull away the phone from my ear as he did so because it was a loud noise. Then he threw the bags away, “It’s easier than actually going shopping and dealing with other customers. Now back to the subject of movies, you know damn well that I’d protect you at night. I wouldn’t mind wrapping my arms around while you tried to sleep either.”

My stomach did a cart wheel while my heart stopped and my mouth went dry. I had to remind myself to take a breath.

‘He was just messing around. You know, Shane just being Shane.’ I told myself shaking my head.

“Yeah, yeah.” I said as I found a four snack pack of chocolate puddings and I grabbed two then a spoon. I pealed one open as I walked back to the living room and took a few bites.

“What are you doing?” Shane asked, “You sound like you are hunting for food or something. Did I make you hungry?”

“Kinda, yeah. I am eating a few things of those pudding snack things.” I said as I scooped another mouthful and put it in my mouth, “I think a veteran group that gives us food sometimes gave us the pudding packages.”

“A veteran group?” Shane asked me.

“I thought I told you a while ago, my mother and father were in the Air Force, so Mom found a Facebook group bout a year ago to help us for things. Like for example, they helped us move. Like with people to move boxes and heavy things. Then every other weekend they send us a few boxes of food and other items like soap, shampoo, and toothpaste.”

“That is awesome. Please tell Momma Barnum that I say thank you for her service.” Shane told me then I heard the noise that an oven makes when you turned it on.

“Of course, I will.” I said, smiling softly, twirling the spoon in my hand, then took another mouthful.

“Oh, that is why you guys were in Germany! That makes sense now.” Shane exclaimed and I swallowed my mouthful of pudding before I laughed.

“Hey don’t laugh at me, missy. It’s early here and I haven’t gone to bed yet.” He said, I could him moving around and then I heard eggs cracking against the pan.

“You are making eggs?” I asked Shane.

“Yes, I am.”

I took another bite, finishing up my first pudding cup, “So you do know how to cook?” I asked jokingly, “From watching some of your videos, I was scared that you didn’t know how.”

“Actually, yes I do know how to cook. Mom taught me so I cook somewhat well, there is some things that I have trouble with, but all in all I’m a good cook.” He said after he laughed.

“That is great, I was worried we’d have Taco Bell every single night or something.” I joked again.

“Nah, not every night.” Shane said, I heard him moving around his kitchen, probably getting a plate and a fork for his eggs, “Trust me, I won’t starve you. You will be well fed while you are here.”

“I am glad, I am used to Mom’s homemade cooking.” I told Shane, then I heard a soft ding, telling me that I just got a message. I quickly put Shane on speakerphone so I could see who messaged me.

It was my mother.

Mom- Headed home, had a low blood sugar problem at work and they told me to go home. Want something to eat?

“I get that completely.” Shane said with his mouthful of egg.

I texted my mother as I spoke, “How is your breakfast? I love scrambled eggs with peppers and hot sauce.”

Jess- That’s scary. I am in the mood for Burger King. You know what I like from there.

“Yes, very good. What are you doing? I can hear you typing.” He asked with another mouthful of egg. It didn’t bother me that he talked with his mouthful of food.

“Mom texted me, so I texted her back. She had a low sugar problem at work and they sent her home for the rest of the day. She asked if I wanted anything to eat from anywhere.”

“That sounds awful. Is she diabetic?” He asked, concerned. My heart melted, knowing that he cared about my mother, even though he hadn’t even met her.

“Oh yeah, she is fine, she probably drank some orange juice or ate a few pieces of chocolate to raise it. She has had diabetes since she was pregnant with Sophia, so she knows what to do. Thank you for your concern about her, though. That means a lot to me.” I told him.

“Of course. She sounds like a badass. Serving in the Air Force, raising a physically disabled child completely on her own for most of your childhood, having diabetes. She raised you wonderfully, you are sweet but you can kick some ass if need be. You are well rounded you don’t have your hand out for things. You take risks and don’t wait for people to make things happen for you.”

I felt my cheeks reddening as he spoke, I ate my last pudding cup in four bites then took care of my trash, “Thank you.” I put my spoon in a bowl that had water already in it then walked back in the living room, I heard Mom pull into the driveway, “Mom is home now.”

I walked back to the living room so that I could grab Bela’s collar s it would a little easier when Mom walked into the front door with the fast food.

“Oh, do you want me to let you go?” Shane asked me, he sounded like he was outside in his backyard, probably taking Uno outside.

“Only if you want to.” I said softly, not really wanting to hang up, I actually could talk to him all day long, but I knew that he had other things to do.

“I feel dead on my feet, so I am going to try to sleep. Tell Momma Barnum that I say hi.” He said to me.

“Will do.” I told him then saw that Tobias ran to the front door like I feared, “Hey, Tob come back here.” I said to Tobias as my mother walked in and Shane said, “I’ll call you later.”

“Okay, Shane. Bye.” I muttered softly.

“Bye Jess.” Then Shane hung up. I tossed my phone on the couch besides me, “Tob!” I hollered at him, getting upset that Tobias was not moving.

“Get back, dumb dog. Let me in.” My mother said, holding a Burger King fast food bag and a large soda. Tobias was bouncing around in tiny the entry way, not really letting my mother inside the rest of the house, luckily I had Bella so it wasn’t too jammed up for Mom to get inside the house.

“Tob! Move, you big dumb dog.” I hollered at him and then finally he laid back down on his blanket. Bella was still lying next to me because I still had a hold of her own collar so that she wouldn’t jump on Mom.

After Mom walked in and shut the heavy wooden door. I let Bella go so she could sniff Mom to see where she was before she got home.

“Was that Shane?” My mother asked me, pointing at my phone that was still lilt up and beside me. She smiling softly at me. I nodded my head, smiling back at her, “Yes it was.”

She handed me a large soda from Burger King, “I got you a burger, onion rings and an A&W root beer. All your favorites.” She sat down, kicking off her purple nursing shoes.

I took the soda and set it down on the end table besides my coffee cup as she put the bag on a wheeled tray that I used for all sorts of things, but I mainly used the tray to eat on.

“So, do you still like him?” My mother asked me, I bit my lower lip as I unwrapped my burger, utterly silent. My mother eyed me, “Oh Jess, you do! Why can’t you just admit it to yourself? He is a nice guy, also not bad on the eyes.”

“Mom! He is my age that is just gross!” I wrinkled my nose then I pretended to gag.

She gave me a side look, “I meant for you. He seems to like you also.”

I cocked my head at her, grabbing the messy burger, “Mom, please stop. He is just a friend. A very best friend. Nothing more, so shut up.” I said then took a bite.

“I am not blind, Jessa. I can see it, you do have feelings for him. You’ve always had feelings for him.” She said as Bella jumped on her lap and she wrapped her arms around Bella, “Hey sweetie. Yes, Momma is home for the rest of the day.”

“Fine.” I sighed, “Sure. I like Shane, but he’ll never like me back.” I shook my head as I swallowed my bite, pushing back my bit of hair that flopped into my eye as I shook my head, “He said a long time ago that he thought of me as a younger sister. Would you ever want to date someone who you thought of as a sibling?”

She wrinkled her thin nose, “Oh. Well, it had been years since you two had talked. Feelings can change. He did suggest for you to visit him, not any of his other friends.”

I thought of what she just said, chewing my food. She did have a point, like most mothers. He did suggest for me to visit, none of his local friends, none of his guy friends. He asked me. His female friend that he had for years.

‘Maybe his feelings changed, but how? We hadn’t talked in years.’

--

It was around three o’clock and I was waiting for Shane’s new video to be posted. I already knew what it was about because he had tweeted about it and told me over a phone call. In the video was about him selling a very used pair of his underwear. He just wanted to see how much the bidding would up to in a twenty-four hour period.

I clicked the refresh button my YouTube webpage that I had open on my laptop and saw that his video was there on top. He just posted it!

I clicked on it and watched it with my headphones in. I had learned fairly early on that if I watched any of his videos I needed headphones, because one day when I was twenty-three I had thought I was home alone so I decided not to have headphones in while binge watched Shane’s videos. Unfortunately I wasn’t home alone, Step Father Number Two was home and rushed into my room, thinking I was watching gay porn.

How embarrassing!

So yeah, no matter what, I always had headphones in while I watched his videos, just to be careful. After I watched the video I decided to text Shane, to tell him that I watched his most recent video.

Jessa- I just saw the underwear video, I can’t believe you were able to post that bid for a little while, till they contacted you to tell you to take the bid down.

It wasn’t even ten minutes later and he was calling me, I answered it right away, “Hi, I just texted you because I didn’t want to bother you if you were filming or something.”

“No problem, if I am filming I tend to have the sound off on my phone so it won’t be in the video. So did you like the video?” Shane said.  

I walked to my bed and flopped backwards, landing on the middle of the bed, “I liked it. It was a little different from your usual videos. Thankfully you used a better pair of your underwear.” I smiled to myself, remembering when he did a closet tour one year and showed all of his holey underwear.

‘Ew!’

“I had those pair since before I dated Lisa.” He said, laughing a little, “So they are very used.”

“If eBay didn’t call you and ask you to take the bid down, would you actually give them away?” I asked him, full of curiosity.

“No, I was actually thinking of taking the post down before I got the call.” Shane said, “It was a joke that got out of hand. Besides I wouldn’t know what to do with that sort of money.”

‘Shane was being humble. I loved that.’

Having fame didn’t get into his head and change him in any way, like most ‘YouTube celebrities’. He was the same old Shane before his fame hit. He didn’t even consider himself as a celebrity. But he did have two #1 hit books, he had a well-known movie and merch. He was even mentioned in a few gossip videos on a few gossip YouTube channels.

“You could’ve saved it and used it while I visit, or gave it away to charity, or gave it to Momma Yaw.” I said, listing just a few choices for him, “Momma Barnum would’ve fainted if you gave it to her.”

“You got a point.” Shane said softly, “Oh well, the post is gone. I might bid another item of clothing or something else though, so who knows.”

“Maybe your conspiracy theory shirt.” I suggested to him.

“That would be cool.” He agreed with me.

--

We were still talking on the phone and it was close to midnight my time, I was sitting next to black wooden short bookshelf, debating on which books I’d be taking with me. I already had a small pile of books on my bed. The pile had my copies of the Harry Potter series, The Lord of the Rings, The Fault In Our Stars, I had added the saga called The Crossfire Series, they were like the Fifty Shades series, but slightly different, then lastly in the pile a few books I had gotten from my nocturnal book box that I gotten every month.

“I can hear you mumbling to yourself, what are you doing?” Shane asked me.

“I am debating on what sort of books I should bring with me.” I told him, putting the small pile of books in my blue bag.

“You are actually bringing books?” Shane said, dumbfounded. Shane hardly ever read books and yet he wrote two on his own. “Why? I won’t leave you alone, so you don’t need to bring things to entertain yourself.”

As he said that my eyes locked onto the plastic bag of sex toys and I blushed a deep red, “I know but I am an early bird and you are a night owl, what will I do while you are dead to the world?”

“Watch television or movies, play with Cheeto or Uno...” He laughed slightly, “Bring whatever you want, Jess. I was just messing with you.”

I removed The Fault In Our Stars and put it in my oversized purse that I was going to use as my carry-on, “I know you were messing with me.” I got up and pushed back my bed covers then climbed in, “I am getting tired, but I don’t want to stop talking to you.” I admitted softly, blushing.

I heard Shane sit on one of his couches, “We could stay on the phone until you fall asleep or we can stay on the phone till the morning.”  He suggested to me, then he took a gulp of something, knowing him, it was most likely soda.

“We can stay the phone until the morning, only if you want.” I muttered softly, getting comfortable in bed.

“That sound like a wonderful plan.” Shane said.

So we did that, we talked some more until my eyes finally gave up and closed.