#You are convinced the people that loved you wont anymore because you are not the same person they loved and you dont blame them

[trollocs-ooc]

Making myself cry over slashr again

[luvrxbunny]

fame

pairing: ex-bf!Eddie Munson x f!reader

summary: Eddie makes a grave mistake.

warnings: 18+ MDNI, angst, insecurity, 'do i wanna know' (lmk if i forgot anything)

wc: 3.6k

a/n: a few things! Id suggest listening to the song before and/or after you read the fic! I wouldn’t suggest during because obviously it wont be on tempo. this can either be modern!Eddie or we can just pretend that “Do I Wanna Know” came out back in 1980. also idk anything abt instruments so shut up if i messed up anywhere— this is one of the worst ones ive written im sorry i just wanted to post

You and Eddie were happy. You guys got to see each other all the time since you became the lead singer of Corroded Coffin. The band supported you two going public endlessly due to the amazing on-stage chemistry you both brought to the shows. The more touchy, and lovey you guys were, the more people would come to the next show. But with this new, larger crowd came a new wave of women wanting to sleep with the hot lead guitarist, Eddie. 

You had no problem with it before. You know he wasn’t very popular in high school and it took you months to convince him that you honestly found him attractive, that you weren’t playing some practical joke, or just trying to bait him into embarrassing himself. So you were pretty happy to see all the attention he was getting, the attention he deserved. You could see his confidence rising, he would smile at the crowd more, play more impressive riffs and you’d get to watch his chest puff up in pride as the crowd uproars for him. 

But as he got more attention from the crowd, his attention was on you much less.

After shows, instead of hanging back with the rest of the band and relaxing backstage, he’d be out in front “entertaining the crowd” as he lovingly put it. It bothered you a bit because this is where you and Eddie got most of your quality time from but you would never take his little fanbase away from him so of course you never said anything. But there was this one week, gig after gig after gig. 

You got no love from Eddie on stage and assumed it was because he was too tired to put on such a show. He wasn't too tired for his guitar riffs, but you let it slide. It’s Eddie he’ll make it up to you backstage, or later than that if necessary. 

Then came time to head backstage, and Eddie didn't follow. You decided to let that slide too. He needs this interaction with his fans! He needs and craves that connection to people who are similar to him, maybe he’ll make some more friends around his age! You’d never want to do anything to stunt that. 

But three hours later, you Jeff, Gareth, and Doug aren’t in a forgiving mood anymore. You’d all joked about how once Eddie got a taste of fame he’d just leave you all behind but it’s starting to feel like less of a joke and more of a reality. 

You guys drink and complain, roll up, smoke, complain, and down a few more drinks before you all decide to take a stand. It’s a half-joke, that you’re all going to head out to the front and demand that Eddie come backstage to spend time with his band, with his girlfriend at least. The boys talk about inviting some girls backstage with them to make a party out of the whole ordeal but all those thoughts are gone and replaced with sober, solemn ones at the sight of what's happening at the front of the bar. 

Eddie’s sitting on a barstool, leaning back against the bar like he’s some god, he has his arms spread wide, resting on the bar and surrounded by women. Most of them are taking unpermitted selfies with him— not that he minds, but three women are draping themselves over him. One is at his side, sitting in a seat and resting her head on his bicep as she rambles to him and he’s listening.. intently. There’s another who’s on his other side, stroking and running her fingers through his hair, complimenting his curls, the ones you taught him to take care of. The third woman is standing between his spread legs, leaning over so that her cleavage is perfectly in his face under the guise of looking at and complimenting his necklaces. 

The smile on his face is one you’ve been missing, one you’ve been seeing less and less due to the stress of booking gigs but there it is… beaming for another girl.

Your heart stops when Eddie finally notices you guys standing on the other side of the room. You feel as though it’s about to jump out of your body and crash through the ground. Eddie pulls his arms in and pushes the girl between his legs away from him with a wide smile. “Oh. Hey, baby!” 

He’s getting up, explaining himself, and walking towards you all at once but you can’t even process what you’ve seen yet, let alone hear his bullshit explanation so you walk away. 

You turn and head backstage, already planning on packing your things and leaving. You’ll have to call an Uber because there is absolutely no way you’ll ride in the same van as him. You’re shoving your weed and rolling tray into your backpack when your head clears enough for you to listen to your surroundings again. 

You can hear Gareth and Doug scolding the girls, making them leave. You can also hear quick, sharp footsteps heading your way. Your breathing jumps and tears spring to your eyes, ones you quickly squeeze out and wipe away before Eddie comes through the door. 

You don’t look up at him, you just keep collecting your things and internally make a note to yourself not to leave your things scattered across an entire room. 

“Babe? Wait. Wait, wait you have to listen to me first.” You hold back a laugh and settle for a scoff at his statement. 

“I don't have to do anything, Ed.” His heart stops. You’ve only called him Ed once before; it was the biggest and only fight the two of you have ever had. His hands start trembling at their sides and his heart is beating roughly, rushing blood in his ears. He’s stunned to silence, watching you gather your things in a rush. 

You look around for your phone charger and spot it by the doorway, on a chair next to where Eddie is standing. He notices your gaze and quickly grabs the charger, holding it to his chest. “Listen.”

Your eyes slowly raise to meet his. He looks scared and desperate. You give him a chance. 

You put your bag down and lean against the back of the couch, staring at him and waiting for what you’re supposed to be listening to but he seems stumped. 

He didn’t have a plan or know what to say, he just needed you to stop. He tries to piece together a speech but his train of thought is disrupted by a disappointed sigh from you. “Look, Ed—”

He finally finds words. “Please don’t call me that.” His voice is strained, and you almost feel bad. 

“Why? It’s the title you deserve right now. You’re not my Eddie so I’m not going to address you like you are.” You start walking towards him, tears bubbling in your eyes despite the screaming in your head not to cry. 

“You sat there while those women laid themselves all over you, while the rest of your band, and your girlfriend sat backstage and waited for you. I’m your girlfriend. Do you realize how fucked up that is? You had me waiting and waiting for you, thinking you were just interacting with fans…” You think about how easily he fooled you. 

“I’m an idiot, huh?” You trail off, lost in your thoughts of despair. You’d always been so cautious of men, of giving your feelings, always keeping your guard up so you don’t get hurt, and the one time you decide to bring them down. 

“Okay! I’m fucked up for making you wait, I know that. I- I didn’t realize how long it’d been. I’ve been drinking a-and--” 

You cut him off. “Oh, you were drinking with them too! That’s great, Ed. Just the info I need.”

He sighs defeatedly. “I- It- But they don’t mean anything to me. They don’t! Why does it matter that I was drinking with them? It’s not like I was gonna do anything, baby. You know that.” He steps in your direction but you back away and wrap your arms around yourself. 

It breaks his fucking heart. 

“I don’t know that though, do I? Because never in a million years would I have ever thought that Eddie Munson, my boyfriend, would leave me waiting because he was entertaining other women. Do you understand? How- How nerve-wracking and shocking it was to see you out there like that?” 

You take another shaking breath as you avert your gaze from his, tears spilling from your eyes. “The worst part is that- that I believed you when you said you just wanted to interact with fans. I really— God I was even happy for you. I trusted you, Eddie. Co-Completely. You know how big that is for me and you manipulated it.”

He’s rushing towards you now, dropping your charger and taking your hands in his. “No. No, listen, I- I didn’t realize, I didn’t know it- Baby, I thought it wouldn't matter, I thought you wouldn’t care because I’m yours. We’re together so why does it matter? I- I won’t date them, I won’t fuck them, I don’t love them, baby. I love you.”

You sigh and look down at your feet, unable to watch as his eyes fill with tears. 

You wish he hadn’t said that. The first time you get to hear the words ‘I love you’ coming from his lips and it’s in a setting like this..

“Okay. I believe you, Ed, but… You broke my trust, you technically ch- cheated.” His eyes widen almost comically and as his mouth starts to shape the word ‘No’ you cut him off again. “You say you didn’t but just because you weren’t going to have sex with them doesn’t mean that you should let them all over you like that!” 

Your anger bubbles up again and you finish packing, grabbing your charger and throwing your bag over your shoulder. “You’re not that stupid, Ed. You know what you did was wrong otherwise you wouldn’t have pushed those girls off you when I showed up.” You turn to leave the room but you’re compelled to ask him one more question. 

“Did you how this makes me look? You’re supposed to be mine yet there are girls all over you. It looks like I can’t satisfy you, like I’m not enough. And you know I have shit with what. Or it looks like I’m a fucking idiot letting my boyfriend get felt up by fucking groupies while I’m in the back, none the fucking wiser.” 

His tears are spilling now, one currently streaming dramatically down his cheek. “But we- Like we don’t— You don’t have to leave me. We- I’ll be better. I love you, I don't love them I just.. I’ve never gotten attention like that.. I- I just wanted to know what it felt like.” 

You know he’s trying to get through to you, that he’s trying to explain away and excuse what he did but he’s just hurting you further. Why wasn’t my attention enough? 

“Yeah no, I figured that and um… Ed, I think we should take some time apart.” All you get from him is a badly veiled sob. 

“You can flirt around all you want and… and we’ll see if we still have anything between us by the end of it.”

It’s been a little over a month now. 

He called off band practice until further notice. 

You miss him. 

You took the first week apart to come to terms with what you had just done. It was a smart move. You’re not stable enough to let Eddie flirt around with your trust, especially since it had started behind your back. This way was better. You could take some time to yourself while Eddie does whatever he wants. You decided he could come back whenever he was ready, as long as he didn’t do anything with anyone. 

You meant what you said when you left him but you started regretting it after seeing the obvious dip in Eddie’s happiness. You’d see him in school with his head perpetually down. He doesn’t interact with you at all, he doesn't look at you on campus, he sits on the opposite side of the classroom for any class the two of you have together, and makes it a point to never turn in your direction. 

You truly wanted him to relish in the fame without any guilt on your part. You figured it’d hurt you but you wanted Eddie to be able to experience the popularity he never had before. He was supposed to take his newfound freedom and spread his wings however he wished but instead he just wallowed in what he had lost. 

You hoped he’d come to you in the third week, let you know he doesn’t want he freedom you’ve granted him and he’d beg for you back. But it never happened. You thought about going to him, letting him know that you can see him struggling and you forgive him and you guys can get back together like nothing happened. But your pride couldn’t let you. He hurt you and now he’s hurting, it's fair but you shouldn’t have to be the one to concede. 

After the fourth week, you realized your mistake. You should’ve known Eddie would never have the confidence to come back to you, to ask you for another chance, to ask you to forgive and forget his past crimes. You should’ve given him a set timeframe, you should’ve told him he was free to come back when he was ready. 

In the fifth week, Gareth called a meeting. He’d had enough of the missed practices and awkwardness amongst the band. You all responded to his email in agreement. Except Eddie. 

You thought about going over to his house before practice, just to see if he was planning on showing up, to see if he was okay. But you didn’t.

You were actually quite happy to catch up with the others. You joke about how badly all your skills have diminished without a month of practice. Doug jokes about how he mostly misses the DnD nights. As if on cue, Eddie walks in. 

He’s silent and his hair is a mess, obviously not taken care of and it breaks your heart. The room falls sadly silent as Eddie unpacks his guitar and takes a seat. You feel the tension in the room suffocating you and before you can think the action through you spit out a quiet. “Jesus, Eddie.”

The boys laugh beside you and you roll your eyes before making your way over to him. Eddie looks star-struck, mouth slightly agape and eyes wide as he stares up at you, admiring the olive branch you’re extending. 

You take in his bloodshot eyes— high, and his dark circles. Your heart clenches in your chest, recalling the various late-night calls with Eddie as he complains about his insomnia, and how he would wish you were there to soothe him.

You stand beside his chair, shake your head in teasing disapproval, and run your fingers through his roots. You sigh at the immediate tangle that meets you and lock eyes with him, a playful smirk on your lips. “Where’ve you been, Eddie?”

He sucks in a soft breath to answer before Jeff cuts him off with a loud clap. “Alright, positions everyone. What’re we practicing?” You smile at him one last time before heading for your mic. 

“We could start working on “Do I Wanna Know?” Doug suggests and Eddie immediately groans out. He is very open about his hate for the song, about how he thinks it's overplayed and has no substance. In reality, everyone knows he’s just frustrated with the chords. He always wants his hands busy and the chords to this song just aren’t stimulating enough for him, he thinks they’re “boring”.

“I don’t wanna hear it, Ed. This is what the people wanna hear.” Doug defends as he picks up his bass. You clear your throat and Gareth situates himself behind his drums. Eddie is the only one who doesn’t get in formation, staying seated across from you to your left, almost in your line of sight. You make an effort to keep your eyes forward as Gareth starts the beat, pretending you can’t feel Eddie’s eyes on you as he starts his riff. 

You do your best to keep it together as you notice how easily his hands glide across the guitar, you don’t even see him look down once. You rock in time with the drums before singing out the first line. 

It feels shaky and your voice is scratchy but you power through, the boys know you need some warm-up. Your voice evens out by the next pause and you’re starting to feel more confident. 

“Are there some aces up your sleeve?” 

You see Eddie nodding in approval in the corner and you try not to let pride bleed into your voice. 

“Have you no idea that you’re in deep?”

You look over at him to see him still watching you. 

“I dreamt about you nearly every night this week.” 

You note the recognition in his eyes before you break contact, looking back at the base of your mic stand. 

“How many secrets can you keep?”

You think about how the first time you heard this song it reminded you of Eddie. It almost perfectly encapsulated how you felt for him prior to dating, and it ironically relates to how you feel about him now. Still obsessed but too prideful to do anything about it. 

You can see Eddie still staring at you from his corner, unwavering. He always gets a little more confident with his guitar, but it’s been so long since you’ve been around him you feel stupid, like a little girl with a crush. 

Doug and Gareth come in as your backing vocals. 

“Do I wanna know?”

You take your eyes away from the mic stand and look straight ahead. 

“If this feeling flows both ways.”

You see Eddie sit up in his seat.

“Sad to see you go”

“Was sorta hopin’ that you’d stay.”

You start swaying with the beat, getting more loose, and feeling the song. You switch from foot to foot, swinging your hips gently with a smile. 

“That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can’t say tomorrow day.”

You look over at him again. 

“Crawling back to you.”

You say the next line as a genuine question, openly targeting him now. 

“Ever thought of calling when, you’ve had a few?”

You glance away from him, nervous under his penetrating stare. He hasn’t looked away from you once. You’re wondering where all this confidence was in the past few weeks. All he needed was for you to speak to him. You study his face, his reaction to the next line. 

“Maybe I’m too, busy being yours to fall for somebody new. Now, I’ve thought it through. Crawlin’ back to you.”

Eddie’s hands finally rest and he leans forward in his chair, cocking one eyebrow at you as if to ask ‘Really?’ and you respond with the next line. 

“So have you got the guts?”

Eddie takes a deep breath before sitting back and adjusting his guitar strap. He runs his hands down his thighs, wiping his clammy palms on his sweatpants as he watches you perform. It’s been so long since he’s seen you, even longer since he’s seen you without it hurting his heart. He’s missed you. 

He takes you in. He notices the pink on your nails, a different shade than the last time he noticed. He can’t help but run his eyes down your body, loving the way you move to the beat, the way you’re shimmying your shoulders. His eyes focus on your lips. 

“Simmer down and pucker up”

He gets entranced with the way they form around your words. He misses feeling them on his, on him. He remembers how soft they are, how raw they get when you’ve bitten them bloody. He watches them stretch over your pearly white teeth in a smile. He can feel your eyes on him again but he can’t pull himself away from your mouth. Not even to look at his guitar as his time comes up. 

You watch Eddie pick his guitar up and start playing again, zombie-like movements as he zeros in on your lips. You try to focus on the words, to stay on key, not stutter or slip up. But Eddie's eyes snap to yours. 

“But we could be together… If you wanted to.”

He takes a deep breath after your last line, as if he was waiting to hear it, like it’s confirmation. You can’t help the smirk that your smile morphs into and Eddie looks down. It looks like he’s focusing on his chords but his eyes are closed, deep breaths filling his lungs as he tries to calm down. 

You’re sure that your performance is mediocre due to the lyrics and pitch being the last thing on your mind. You watch Eddie’s hand slide lazily across the guitar, his ringed fingers moving faster than you could comprehend without even a fraction of his attention. You ignore the pooling in your stomach and look away from him again, trying to focus on anything else. 

“Crawling back to you.” 

You pretend not to hear the smirk in Gareth's voice. You see Eddie looking up at you again in your peripherals. He sits back and adjusts himself, lifting his hips, lowering his guitar and when you glance over you can see a lip tucked under his teeth. 

“Maybe I’m too—”

You see Eddie leaning forward as he stares at you, begging for your attention so you turn to him. His eyes soften and you can see his chest heave ever so slightly. 

“-busy being yours to fall for somebody new. Now, I’ve thought it through. Crawlin’ back to you.”

You go through the motions for the rest of the song. You keep eye contact with Eddie through all of it. 

Everything around you is forgotten as he looks into your eyes. You’ve missed him so much.

thank you so much for reading!! please please please give any feedback you may have! I want it all! also if you liked it please take a look at my masterlist or send me some motivation here!! reblogs and comments are deeply appreciated!

[mrderofcr0ws]

idk about you guys but rooks rest in HOTD is not canon to me. the rest of this show isn’t canon from here on out because it’s obvious they hold no respect for aemond’s character or any character in fire and blood they way they were written originally. so many of the F&B characters have been written entirely wrong and it’s so blood-boiling. especially the greens!!! so many of them have such compelling stories and they’ve been thrown in the trash!

they’ve thrown helaena aside. in fire and blood, she’s a dragon dreamer! she has a dragon! she had three kids she loved so much! she is a valued queen of the realm! what is she in the show? the quiet one no one listens to or tries to connect with besides her own mom.

they’ve utterly ruined aemond. in so many ways, they’ve changed him drastically. while aemond does have hard feelings with aegon and makes some sly and questionable comments about aegon not being fit to rule— HE DOESNT TRY TO KILL HIS BROTHER???? I genuinely cannot fathom how the writers could sit in the writers room and be like, “yes. this plot line. this is gold.” they’ve ruined him. they have fucking ruined him, his loyalty, and what he is fighting for. “you think you can fly about the realm and steal MY brothers throne?” — AEMOND TARGARYEN!!!!! and you’re telling me he attempts to murder his brother? no. fuck off, no.

they’ve made aegon seem like nothing but an idiot. aegon may not be as smart as aemond but oh my god he’s not some blubbering stupid idiot who can’t sit still. they cut out his whole reason for ascending the throne as well and that is so damning to his character. aegon takes the throne because criston and alicent place the worry of his siblings being slain in his mind. they convince him rhaenyra will kill him, his siblings, and his children— so he takes the throne. “what kind of brother steals his sisters birthright?” — AEGON TARGARYEN

they have reduced alicent to criston’s fling and vise versa for criston. alicent was a strong and compelling character— and now we have to watch her give herself a miscarriage? really? the woman who was so adamant about her son ascending the throne is sitting there and telling him to do nothing after saying he should be asking questions and learning from them???? “nothing” is the answer you give your son — the king — after he asks for your advice, alicent? really? it just proves she and everyone around her raised aegon to be a puppet— and she’s so lost inside her own “sins” she can’t even see how damned her children are because she doesn’t take the time to actually care for them.

they’re going to introduce daeron soon but show watchers have no idea who he is. when he shows up, it’s not going to be meaningful. just like when aegon started acting all loving and silly on screen with his kids and it left being people like “wow, what the fuck???” IF YOU DONT SHOW THE CHARACTER OR WRITE THEM CORRECTLY, PEOPLE WONT FEEL ATTACHED TO THEM CORRECTLY!!!!

THE MISCHARACTERIZATION OF THESE CHARACTERS IS KILLING THIS SHOW!!!!!!!!

even with rhaenyra. i love that she wants to uphold peace and i think it’s so valiant, but everyone is ready for rhaenyra the cruel. give us maegor with tits the way she is in the books and stop having her care so much for alicent. it’s killing her reign. the men in her council are harping her and her not being around during the start of a wartime is maddening to watch. yes, she’s a mother. yes, she wants peace. but peace can’t be achieved through Alicent!!! I loved their relationship in the younger years, but there is nothing to salvage and I’m so fucking happy jace snapped at her. she shouldn’t care for alicent at all— because alicent in F&B was her older step-mother that didn’t get along with her. even in HOTD after rhaenyra knows alicent usurped her throne over a miscommunication, there shouldn’t be anymore “but we were once friends” moments. idc if it was a mistake on alicent part— that mistake is something she isn’t even willing to admit or fix. in rhaenyra’s eyes, alicent should no longer mean anything from here on out.

rhaenyra is also no more a pillar of peace than aegon is. they both do terrible things whether or not it takes rhaenyra longer to start doing them. they both get people killed. they BOTH tear down the realm in attempt to grapple for the throne.

it’s fucking exhausting at this point watching the writers play a game of “this side is more morally righteous” when they’re all bad. it’s even more frustrating when the cost of “this side is better than this side” comes by destroying these characters and ruining the moments that define them!!!

rooks rest was a shit show. not only did they make aemond do something ENTIRELY out of character for him, they didn’t even give rhaenys her correct death. she doesn’t fall to her death. she gets burned like a true dragonrider.

rest in piece to rhaenys— and to aemond because they just dug his whole character a grave to jump into when people watch next weeks episode.

[yanderehsr]

Hello!! This is my first time sending a ask to this blog so sorry if I break any rules- ^^;

I just wanted to ask for a Lumine! Reader, where they have a bad mental breakdown, full on falling to the ground and sobbing hard cuz they are looking for something very important that they lost and they've been asking everyone for help but those people ask for something in return before they help but then they never help in the end, just using the Reader-

Can it be with Himeko, Silver wolf, Stelle and Bronya?

( Poor Lumine, she just wants to find her brother but everyone's asking for stuff in return before they help and than they never fulfill their part of the deal )

I know😭 Lumine has to deal with so much and she gets so little in return

Hope you'll enjoy😄

Trigger Warning: Yandere, Obsessive behaviour, Possessive behaviour, Kidnapping

Himeko: She feels guilty over it but she has waited for this exact moment, for you to come crying to her and she can comfort you. She loves you so much but you never seem to have enough time to notice.

Himeko will hug you, she holds you in place with one hand while the other softly rubs your back, you can't notice because of your position but she is smiling right now, she won't let you go back to searching, you will stay with her from now on. She will not take a no for an answer.

"The world is just full of bad people isn't that right, whatever it is you're looking for can wait right? I'll always be here for you, so why don't you just stay"

Silver Wolf: She feels sad over that maybe she is one of the reasons for your breakdown, she asked for your help in the past, she regrets ever doing that now, she takes you to her home and you play video games together, she isn't very good at comforting so this will have to do.

Silver Wolf let's you lie down on her bed and fall asleep, she joins you later and big spoons you, she knows what she has to do, she needs to hide you from the world, you are too precious, too lovely to ever let go, now be comforted in the safety of her arms cus you aren't leaving anytime soon.

"Oh, you wonder where the door is? Well I removed it, I don't want you to continue your search... I-I love you too much to let you have another breakdown"

Stelle: She knows how it is, a lot of people ask her for help as well, only difference is that Stelle doesn't have a goal that gets set back whenever she helps others, actually Stelle makes sure to help you more than others, so that she is the most important in your life.

So when you come running and cries into Stelle's arms that is when she makes a decision, you shouldn't have to deal with people when they only hurt you so much, Stelle leaves the Astral Express and joins you instead, she'll make sure you only know happiness from now on, now she just needs to convince you to stop searching and instead focus all of your attention on her instead, as it should be.

"There is no reason to cry anymore, I wont let you talk with anyone else again, I'm going to help you, so let me see a smile on that pretty face"

Bronya: She regrets not kidnapping you when she first fell for you, instead she let you go to search for what you lost, but each day without you made her feel more lonely, her mind drifted to darker thoughts, she has decorated a room for you decorated with stars and with a fluffy bed for your enjoyment. And chains ready to be used to keep you there

Bronya when she sees you again and you're crying, breaking down and begging for comfort leads you to that room where she will comfort you to her fullest capabilities. When you get tired and falls asleep on the bed is when she chains you down, this is how you should be, comfortable and safe with her by your side.

"Calm down, I know you can't move very much but it's for the best isn't it? Now you don't need to deal with any of the stress and betrayals, now all you need to do is think of and love me"

[noihavenosanitythanksforasking]

broski, you keep saying mike is unable to say i love you to his gf, but at the end he finally said it (9 times) so whats your point literally?

you are holding onto old crap, and beating a dead horse. He said he loves her multiple times, boys are generally hesitant in expressing their emotions (patriarchy asks them to be tough ,not open up and everything), but he overcame that by the end of the season

do you think mileven is gonna break up after how explicitly he told el he loves her???? el also loves mike very much, its just a fight she's upset about, but people can FORGIVE and move on from past misunderstandings you know? el is veryymuch in love with mike since season 1, she can forgive mike for his one mistake (he basically rectified it too at the end of the day)

y'all keep saying mike gets upset when will doesn't talk to him but at the end of season 4 mike is upset that el is not talking to him much because she's grieving

ahhhh this is so exciting!!! i feel like ive made it or smth!

sorry for my late response i was in my physics class 😔

now, we dont KNOW for SURE what mike truly feels. you dont know. i dont know. no one will ever know until s5 comes out. however i have my speculations and so do you. and thats okay!! we dont have to agree :3 your allowed to believe whatever you want in regards to mike and els relationship. it doesnt affect me at all.

however, sense you app care about what i have to say so much i will yapp somemore about what i think. you dont have to agree with me. in fact ik you wont. and thats okay, clearly you are insecure enough about your own opinion that you feel the need to go to the other side and argue with someone in their anons. bc if your opinions were solid and unshakable youd have your url showing. but i get it i really do :)

anywayssss. charecters can lie.

just like people can lie.

i was in a romantic relationship with someone for about a year. and throughout that time, i told them i loved them multiple times. did i? no. did i want to? yes. i wanted to be in love with them. they were very very important to me and when they asked me out, i thought to myself 'well i do really like this person. why not?'

i was not in love with this person. i did not have romantic feelings for them. but i convinced myself i did. in the end, one day we were sitting next to each other and it just hit me. i didnt want to be here anymore. i had met someone else and was developing a crush on them at the time. so i broke up with them.

all this to say, mike can lie. hes not a high fantasy elf. something i feel is a big disconnect between bylers and milevens is that milevens tend to read most things at face value. just bc you say you love someone doesnt mean you do.

as for the patriarchy comment, mikes story line has never had to do with being tough, or not being man enough. he repeatedly says that he doesnt want to be popular, he doesnt care about fitting in. ofc this can still be a factor but i doubt its a huge point of his character arc. if it was they would have made a point of adressing him struggling with it before this.

on your point about moving on from fights, your so right about that. i dont in the slightest think that elmike are going to be on BAD terms in endgame but i dont think they'll be on romantic terms. even if byler isnt canon, and mike is straight. i still believe that.

as for his mistake being rectified. girl what u yappin ab. no it wasnt. if it was why was el not talking to mike in the van on the way back to hawkins

mike says in the last episode that they werent really talking. a little bit but not much. you could say that el was greiving max. but el DIDNT KNOW max was in a coma. when they get back to hawkins, dustin has a line where he explicitly says

"oh you guys dont know" in refrence to max.

is el traumatized? definitely!!! but she doesnt know max is in a coma. and even if she did, why wouldnt el seek comfort in her bf if they had fixed everything???

as for your last point, yeah mike is upset about el not talking to him. duh. however lets compare.

when mike is mad at will for not paying attention to him at rink o mania he actively brings it up. he actively pursues will and expresses his frustration over will being dismissive. he is visably upset. on the other hand, in the last ep of s4, mike doesnt even bring up el until will does. he seems mildly annoyed and confused about the situation and makes no moves to pursue her or seek out resolution. he makes no moves to comfort her about max ever. he doesnt walk with her, he doesnt hug her. nothing. the only affection between then is when EL puts her head on mikes sholder. mike makes no moves to comfort her more but he doesnt push her away. this is also right after mike activly began walking sideways to be able to stand next to will when there was an open space for him to stand right next to el im front of him. odd.

also you do realize that someone can be upset at the prospect of two people that are important to them being upset at them

its not will or el

its never been will or el

this has always been about mike and how he handles conflict and shit.

anywayssss my hands r going to freeze off bc its like 19 F outside and i wrote this walking across campus

hope this helps 💙💛

[sleep-token-confessions]

This might be a hot take, and i dont want to cause any fighting im just giving my personal perspective and hoping i can get some perspective from people who think differently. But i really dont get why people are so convinced knowing their identities will ruin sleep token for fans. Its one thing avoiding their identities because you believe its morally wrong to investigate, thats understandable (though i will say, its concerning seeing people panic from accidentally finding out as if it makes them a bad person. Also dont send death threats or say other horrible things to people who do know). But the idea that knowing theyre just some normal people will ruin the art confuses me. Maybe its just because sleep token isnt my first masked band, but i dont love the band any less just because i know their identities. I still interpret the music however i want, i still enjoy the theatrics, and from what i know as of now about the boys theyre just even more endearing than people think. Even if vessel explained in depth what the music means to him personally, id still interpret it however i want anyways. I cant see how the art would be ruined unless people found out theyre horrible people, in which case wouldnt it be good to know that so you could stop supporting them? Its just weird to me seeing people accidentally find stuff about their real identities and desperately try to trick their brain into forgetting out of fear they wont like sleep token anymore, and id be lying if i said it didnt seem unhealthy imo. I kinda feel like im missing something because i genuinely just do not get it, it feels like saying knowing what an actor looks like off camera ruins the movie. Maybe my brain just works differently or something, genuinely what am i not getting? I understand the moral concerns (to an extent at least, but right now i wont get into all my takes about what is or isnt moral), but i do not understand at all the artistic concerns

.

[scoobydoodean]

i think even though cas was in there stealing the journal, i think he was trying to legitimately convince dean to come to his side, because he does it the Very next episode (although he doesnt seem to realize that hes being manipulative about it..im not trying to infantilize him i just remember him being confused/surprised when dean points out that crowley gave him the same line)

like i do think theres a bit of double think in how castiel acts and behaves and he doesnt seem to grasp the emotional consequences of his actions, especially in this season.

like he thinks hes saying "if you trust me (please trust me) i can get crowley to release lisa and ben, because you wont be a threat anymore to his plan"

but dean hears "if you want lisa and ben back, you'll have to fall in line"

thats not to say dean is wrong for hearing it like that, but castiel really seems to be struggling with communication because he did this all for dean (in his mind) and once it's all over everything will be fine, lucifer and michael will stay in their cage, and dean and lisa will be safe at home.

but at this point hes killed too many and hurt too many people to turn back so when dean pleads for him to back down hes hearing dean say "im fine with risking the apocalypse again, and i cant trust you to do a plan that you are certain will work" when dean is just worried about another eve slipping through

its just very delightfully complex (imho) i dont really have a conclusion

Cas definitely wanted Dean on his side. He didn't need to wake Dean up or have a conversation with him to get the journal. He chose to wake him up and have that conversation because he desperately wanted Dean not to think badly of him. It's just hilarious that at the same time, he was also like. There to steal shit. When he saw Dean sleeping on that couch, he just couldn't help himself. He wanted to talk to Dean.

Trying to get Dean on his side was important to Cas because he loves Dean and values their friendship, but it was also important to him because Cas had, to some extent, tied his self-image to everyone else's perception of him over the whole season. He lies to all of his friends—Sam, Dean, Bobby, Balthazar, Rachel. He lies to the Winchesters because he wants a place he can come to where someone still recognizes him as the person he used to be and not the person he is becoming. Crowley puts this best:

CROWLEY: The big lie -- the Winchesters still buy it. The good Cas, the righteous Cas. And long as they still believe it, you get to believe it. Well, I got news for you, kitten. A whore is a whore is a whore.

This is a period where Cas was doubting everything and wrestling with moral quandaries. He sees his own actions as monstrous, but also believes that monstrosity is necessary. He and Dean have a conversation about this very early on in 6.06, after their last interaction in 6.03 had Cas causing a child excruciating pain to gain information.

DEAN What happened to you, Cas? You used to be human, or at least like one. CASTIEL I'm at war. Certain... regrettable things are now required of me.

I've talked about how the title of this episode, "You Can't Handle The Truth", shows Cas's hand in that he doesn't believe anybody else can handle the dirty work. He knows it makes him look bad and that's why he lies about it—to protect his image.

The whole of 6.20, he's struggling, but he's doing it alone. To his friends, he presents his actions with surety—telling Dean insistently that Cas knows what he's doing and that there's nothing broken about his plan, while he says privately praying to his father:

Am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right path? You have to tell me. You have to give me…A sign. Give me a sign. Because if you don’t…I’m gonna ju– I’m gonna do whatever I… Whatever I must.

And to himself about working with Crowley:

I asked myself, “what was I doing with this vermin?”

And while betraying Crowley briefly by killing demons Crowley sent after the Winchesters:

For a brief moment…I was me again.

Sam and Dean and Bobby's belief in Cas's goodness (that he was himself) was so important to Cas that he was spying on them all of 6.20 despite his alleged busy schedule just to check in and see what they were thinking about him. And when they did trust him again for that brief moment, he felt relief, but also knew it was all an illusion and felt shame and guilt about it:

Wonders never cease. They trusted me again. But it was just another lie. 

The same discomfort and shame seeps off Cas in 5.17 when Sam and Dean thank him for saving them, while Cas knows Astropos was only after them because of him, and that if they understood the full picture, their feelings about what he'd actually done to "save" them would be very very different. He knows he's receiving praise he doesn't deserve, so the esteem they place on him is hollow.

On the other hand, I do think Cas grasps the emotional consequences of his actions for the most part. That's why he lied the whole season—because he was afraid of the fallout among every single person he knew and even more as the lies stacked and stacked. He knew none of them would agree with what he was doing. But the consequences with Sam and Dean also extend a little deeper than Cas thought they would, and that's what wounds him the absolute most, I think. I don't think Cas expected Sam to question whether Cas intentionally left his soul in The Cage, or for Dean to question whether or not Cas was involved in the plot to kidnap Lisa and Ben in 6.21. He is genuinely and deeply wounded when his care for them is essentially questioned at the very foundation and it leaves him feeling betrayed in his own way.

The thing is, Cas's privately held doubts still do not match the picture he presents to the Winchesters even after he is exposed. Privately, Cas is starting to see the pride and hubris underlying some of his choices:

I wish I could say I was clean of pride at that moment…

I see now that I was prideful. And in all likelihood, I was a fool.

I see now that was arrogance…Hubris 

Privately, Cas reveals that his motives aren't as pure as he presents them to be:

I had no choice. I did it to protect the boys. Or to protect myself. I-I don’t know anymore.

Hiding…Lying…Sweeping away evidence. And my motives used to be so pure.

Crowley had a point, of course. My interest was conflicted. I still considered myself the Winchesters’ guardian.

But to the Winchesters? He says "I did it all for you" and "I did it to protect you. I did it to protect all of you" and "It's not broken". He doesn't let them see his doubts, because he might crumble under them—and because sunk cost fallacy and his own pride won't allow him to accept being questioned even by his closest friends. In other words, he continues to lie, and after the big reveal, Dean can see right through him.

CASTIEL: I'm doing this for you, Dean. I'm doing this because of you. DEAN: Because of me. Yeah. You got to be kidding me.

Cas's pride also comes out in this conversation at night in Bobby's house.

DEAN: I'm not gonna logic you, okay? I'm saying don't...Just 'cause. I'm asking you not to. That's it. Look, next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family -- that you are like a brother to me. So, if I'm asking you not to do something...You got to trust me, man. CASTIEL: Or what?

Dean says he isn't going to logic Cas. Bobby and Sam and Dean already tried that earlier that day, Balthazar will also try later, and it doesn't register. Dean puts all of the technical arguments aside and is trying to say (coupled with his earlier assertions) "I know you think you have to do this, but all of us can see you're going off the deep end and even you know that deep down. Please trust us on this." But Cas's response is "Or what?" He turns it into a battle of wills, then adds, "You can't stop me. You're just a man", which is also a dogwhistle for Dean when dealing with angels, who repeatedly over the course of the show, have called him a monkey, a dog, a pet, and other things to express the idea that he is beneath them as a justification for using and hurting him. It immediately turns them against each other because Cas feels like Dean is basically calling him crazy and is offended by the idea that he doesn’t know what he’s doing (even though he has his own private doubts, because at this point his self-image hinges on turning out to be right). Dean is seeing the angelic sense of superiority come out—something he’s far more familiar with than he’d like to be—something common to the angels who have used and manipulated and threatened him and acted entitled to him… and coupled with all the questions about exactly how involved Cas was in using Dean to get alphas over the course of the season and how he knows Cas used him in “The French Mistake”? It doesn’t paint a pretty picture for Dean.

In addition to their profound bond, I think Dean saying, "Cas, we can fix this!" and Dean being Cas's defender the entirety of 6.20 is also why Cas comes to him at the end of the episode. Dean is the weak link in the chain at the time (that completely changes in the next episode when Lisa and Ben are kidnapped). But Dean is also so devastated about all the faith he had in Cas's honesty being crushed, and he's reliving the demon blood arc in some sense, and he's probably reevaluating what he felt when Cas used him in "The French Mistake" and what exactly was going on in "My Heart Will Go On" and how—when Crowley forced him and Sam into doing his bidding, Cas knew it and he let it happen—he let it happen because he wanted the alphas. Not only did Cas know Crowley was using them—he went to great lengths to cover up his involvement and keep them off Crowley's tail. Cas's speech in the following episode demanding Dean's trust again is not only ill-timed while Dean is worried sick about Lisa and Ben—it's full of lies and half truths and even a little shit slinging that Dean knows isn't fair and that is deeply reminiscent of Sam's speech full of falehoods about trust in 4.21.

On Cas's side, I think you're spot on about his lack of cognizance on how he comes across when he says:

CASTIEL: I came to tell you that I will find Lisa and Ben, and I will bring them back. Stand behind me, the one time I ask.

I don't think Cas meant to suggest that the first statement depends on the second one (we can judge as much when he heals Lisa at the end of the episode) but that's absolutely how it comes across.

[cowboy-robooty]

no guys see robooty itager is the slowest burn fucking imaginable. because i think that 1) italy would have to initiate them dating since germany thinks hes rejected forever after buon san valentino (my boy loves one sided crush) and 2) if they dont slow burn theyll crash and explode. because i think italy takes forever to realize he genuinely really fucking love germany and ONLY loves him and is willing to be loyal 'n treat him well to have him. Since i think italy isnt the type to really love ever since his kindergarten crush so he takes forever to recognize what he feels is genuine love (plus his love is born from a sense of entitlement but thats a whole 'nother enchilada). but yeah and because they take forever and are fully developed in their feelings when they date things are happy happy sunshine swag peace and love ❤️ they do stupid shit as bros the only difference now is they make out sometimes and japan cries himself to sleep everyday ^_^

but in a world where somehow they started dating BEFORE italy completely sorts out his feelings then OHHHH MY GOD. HELLWORLD. LITERAL HELLWORLD. because italy would totally cheat on germany and germanys heart would have youtube poop glass shattering effect explosion and italy would be #unloyal and #mean #scumgong and he would break up with germany for being so clingy and upset about him breaking his heart everyday or germany would break up with italy because everyone in his entire life (2 people: japan and prussia) is telling him that he needs to because italys making him chew glass (they take like 6 years to convince him and have to resort to saying its for italys own good if he breaks up with him). and then when they break up germany would hashtag die and explode because he obviously still loves italy but hes held back by prussia to not come back to him and tries to satiate his autistic brain by thinking "he was mean to me and told me to leave. im sorry ill leave now sorry for bothering you" and he also doesnt feel close to anybody except italy and has to go "brother....... i am.... not feeling good right now........" and cant say much else bc WE SAW IN THE ANIME GERMANY WANTED TO VENT ABT ITALY AND REALIZED HE HAS NOBODY BC HE ONLY IS CLOSE ENOUGH IN THAT WAY TO ITALY. and then cut to italy and hes partying it up because hes pissed off at germany for being on his ass hardcore every single day for the past god knows how long (hate my wife syndrome) until a while later the partying slows down and he has a bunch of moments where he thinks "well usually right now germany would do [thing]" and that builds up until he is hit with the full realization that germany is not going to stay by his side anymore. because hes run away now and hes never ever coming back. and that realization is like the evil version of italy realizing that he loves germany and wants him to ALWAYS be by his side; so much so that hes willing to do what it takes and compromise and be loyal n shit to make that happen. and now italy is freaking out because he doesnt feel this urge ever and now hes already fumbled the dude hes fr in gays with. but this realization is evil because its under a sense of panic and shit so its also motivated by italy feeling a sense of entitlement to having germany by his side and like HES SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

and from there italy would get back together with germany either easily bc he would just ask and say sorry and germany would go "well to be fair I should have been better as well. yes we should try again i want to too, i will try my best to not fail you this time." or it would be hard because germany would have his mind made up (with prussias support and urging and shit) to be like no italy we arent good for eachother and i cant (shouldnt) forgive you for doing those things to me and italy would be like Oh. and chew glass and freak the fuck out until he decides hes going to use #emotional manipulation and sob to everyone about how germany wont take him back and make everyone hate on germany and call him a terrible guy n shit to make germany feel so guilty and think hes an awful person to italy that he takes italy back. but even then their relationship is now fucked up forever because they live in perfect symbiosis thats their entire thing but now they dont because germany now has doubt of italy because of how he went into their relationship before and didnt give a fuck and italy unlocked his evil paranoia because now when he gets scared that germany will leave him he cant be comforted by thinking that would never happen because IT DID. HE WAS SEPERATED FROM HIM IT IS POSSIBLE TO MAKE GERMANY RUN AWAY. and because of that italy gets a lot more freaky about not wanting anyone to like germany so germany wont like them more than him and being emotionally manipulative and possessive and yandere shit because his paranoia is driving him to it. itager is great because it has so much potential to be evil like italy could emotionally manipulate germany so hard and all that shit but it would never happen because germany is so loyal and obsessed with italy that he never makes italy feel paranoid and like he has to. theyre like imagine if someone who has potential yandere gene in them dated a person who loved them more than anything in the entire universe and bends to their every will and never even glances at another person. that yandere gene is never getting activated bruh and at most manifests when italys like WAHHHH GERMANY YOU WONT LIKE RUSSIA MORE THAN ME RIGHT?? WHY DONT I HAVE THE MOST GERMAN TOURISTS IN THE WORLD WTF IS THERE SOMETHING ABOUT ME I NEED TO CHANGE????? but in the world where they rush things they break up and it disrupts all this homeostasis and makes them a little evil afterwards because italy has excessive paranoia that cant be quenched and germany has autism doubt because "he betrayed me once...... so hell probably betray me again *cries*"

[matrixwhore]

mmm…

i wanna talk about paul. i dont think i lingered too much there. bc it’s a sensitive spot i guess? it’s a sensitive thing to be openly unwell. my focus with this post if i really even have that is his relation with louis. i wanna talk about paul in relation to how louis treats him and that being a reason why i love louis so much too. i love both characters. i think paul doesnt really ever get mentioned in fandom much. which is the psychosis experience tbh. so it tracks.

it’s a public spectacle every one wants so desperately to ignore and to be over. in my personal experience (and i don’t think i’m alone in this) the person going through it wants it to be over too. wants that people don't see them that way. but paul’s whole character is generally ignored other than in conversations about whether or not lestat caused his suicide, which was a compelling conversation. whether or not he did is a incredibly prickly thing in the gut of the story. and to be followed up with Louis staying with Armand after having killed claudia who has a thread with paul too. she has a manic/psychotic moment. she’s a collector. she’s a lot of things that society doesn’t want to see exist. (nor does the fandom but i digress) and the way she lives in this undead world is as if she doesnt exist at all so manny ways (like paul in life too in ways) we’ve spoken of if you are someone who dares to acknowledge the fullness of her character. i said this was about paul but im working through a connection in real time. i think that’s why i wanna talk about paul. bc he carries so much of the story in the little time he was alive. and his death is the catalyst for louis’ initial death. not the one lestat gave him, but the one that made it possible for lestat to convince him in the first place. ( the spiritual one maybe? idk. im just thinking thoughts)

what i never question in regards to paul and louis’ relationship, is that louis loves him. that’s what actually makes that: “did lestat kill him really? and whether or not he did kill him….louis thought he did and stayed?” conversation so insane in the membrane to me. because the way he treated paul shows me he does love him so much. one: something in him died with paul. another thing is that louis genuinely wanted him around. he advocated for him to stay out of the hospital. he took him out as soon as he was given the power to as head of household when his father died. (i have so many questions about his own feelings and opinions on his father.) he openly spent time with him. paul was his favorite person. he let paul crawl into bed with him. which is kind of big deal from what i know in the openly unwell population. not a lot of people want to comfort that. and louis allowing his male brother into bed with him for that tender moment is kind of a key moment for him to me bc of how the pressures of homophobia can affect how men are made to feel they can treat their male family members too. Louis sees him and his need and is willing to give it to him. louis wants to be there for his brother. he decides he’ll be the one to take care of him. tells grace not to worry about paul. he would take care of him. he assures paul he wont see lestat anymore. louis’ love for paul was in the way of lestat’s wants and desires. maybe paul did have suicidal ideation already. maybe many things can be true.

(i meant to post this during disability month, but i went through it and so now i’ll just continue where i left off)

louis struggling with killing a man with a daughter and wanting to go home to his brother…😵‍💫. paul isnt a child, but louis was his caretaker. in paul you see louis shine in that role (barring the bit where he pulls a knife out, and threatens to gut him, bc that was a performance. it’s not great but he didn't even want to do that). louis recognizing that locking away a man for having delusions just because he has them at all made paul worse was such a powerfully impactful thing to me. i say this fully well knowing sometimes going to the hospital can be beneficial these days, but even still being locked up there?? drugged and treated horribly given he was black and in a time when mentally ill people were treated heinously? louis saying he belongs at home and seeing to it that paul gets to be home with his family. spending time with him like he’s a person beyond his disability. beyond his delusions. that shit makes me like quiver and cry tbh. that’s mostly what people going through that need most of all and don’t receive. he loved paul. and when paul dies louis dies. idc. (so if lestat’s did take paul away from louis….he killed him twice….also while i’m here i have stirring thoughts about lestat knowing he could tell paul his truthful intentions in town and that out of paul’s mouth no one would believe him. maybe that’s the whole thought. or maybe i’ll come back to it. idk)

(i think in some ways claudia was also theyre to fill the casm paul created too. sorry none of this is like linear or anything im just thinking i guess. maybe i’ll make get into how i see they’re related later.)

[cartoonrival]

Is Itachi a loser to you?

NO!!!!!! he was a child who was made a double agent at the age of 11!!!! the moment that it became evident that he was a prodigy, his abilities were immediately pounced on as a political tool for both the uchiha and konoha!!! while im not going to strip itachi of ALL his agency and say that nothing he did was his fault, i think its ridiculous to ignore the fact that he was being groomed by danzo and hiruzen and his father from the moment he could throw a kunai. everything he did and believes is a direct result of being thrust into massacres before he was old enough to even understand it, and even longer before he was old enough to realize that the people telling him what to do were fucking stupid. he was being ordered around by people that he was raised to believe knew what they were talking about.

of course, what he did to sasuke was not an order, and it was deeply horrific. but at the same time he truly believed that this was the only way to protect sasuke. if sasuke knew that konoha had ordered the slaughter of the uchiha, then his little brother would become a dissident, and itachi can't imagine anything more frightening. so he lies to him and saddles him with horrible heartwrenching grief and fury, because itachi is 13 and thats the only way he can think to do it. itachi IS deeply controlling when it comes to sasuke-- he manipulates him at every step out of a refusal to admit that konoha's leadership pushed itachi to do something completely unforgiveable. his desperation to "save" sasuke completely bypasses sasuke's personhood and right to make his own decisions and hold his own beliefs at every single step of the way, because sasuke is itachi's baby brother and itachi is so deeply entrenched in the horrific politics of the ninja world that he's convinced this is somehow better and safer than the inevitable rage if sasuke were to learn the truth. its easier this way.

itachi's controlling nature is a DIRECT result of everything that he went through. if he did not join the anbu at 11 years old, get led around by his nose by two opposing factions for 2 years, then kill his entire clan at 13, then he wouldn't be like this to sasuke. i imagine it is in his blood to think he knows better than his little brother does, as older siblings are wont to do, but this level of micromanaging what sasuke is allowed to feel and think is a direct result of the fact that itachi was being puppeted by three people who could not agree on what dance he was supposed to be doing and yanked his strings until they tangled.

itachi's story is deeply deeply miserable because while his actions are unforgiveable, its incredibly easy to track exactly what led up to every decision he made. itachi's last words to sasuke are that no matter what path he chooses, itachi will always love him. this is a direct reversal of the mindset he has had for the entirety of his life wrt sasuke. he insists that he wasn't perfect, please don't look up to me anymore, but obviously itachi is sasuke's big brother no matter what so after being told that itachi does love him, that he loves him more than anything in the world, sasuke can't help but look up to him anyways. miserable

[wishful-seeker]

I will soon be the only person in my close family to not finish college because illness forced me to leave, and thats a strange feeling. Im not sure how i feel about it.

I feel a little alienated because of it, but even though i LOVE learning and i enjoyed college classes, i didn't enjoy college itself.

Even in high school i was the "sick kid" and missed a year there, so feeling like i don't belong isn't new.

But i really thought I'd meet people like me in college, but all i found was snobby rich kids that ignored my existence. I genuinely tried making friends but college students are not my type of people.

I don't know if this is because i wore braces on my knees, or because they could tell i was poor, not sure but college kids always gave me bad vibes.

Im sad that the things im truly passionate about isn't taught in college, and i miss the classes i did have, but i don't think a fancy college was ever my scene. Maybe i would've fit better at a community college. But im probably too disabled to ever find out.

Idk i guess it feels strange because i was heavily encouraged to go to college, and now i can't even if i wanted to. Its weird that i could probably guess the view outsiders have of my life, how they'd feel bad for me, or laugh at what I've become.

And i think of that a lot: how outsiders may view my life. "Oh so sad, look how far she's fallen." Ya know

But im happy

I LIKE my life, sure i got all As and Bs in college, sure i won a writing contest in my class, and yes i also completed a triathlon before all this. So many medals saying "look how hard i worked, look what i accomplished" but when i was accomplishing those trival things i was really lost and alone on the inside, those medals were to convince myself i was better than the years before this one, a lie that i was becoming my best self.

But now all that shit is gone, dead, useless to me. Eventually i was left alone, with NO distractions, only my mind and a body i couldn't move in. Only a bed, in a room, no where else to go. Everything i thought that mattered, everything i connected my worth with, suddenly didn't mean anything anymore, because all that was was my chronic pain, and what i did with it. All that mattered now was fighting for a better life, for freedom from a bed, for freedom within my head.

I had to rebuild myself from nothing, i had to literally rewire my brain. I studied neuroplasticity and my only goal was to train my brain to be able to live with this pain. And i had to change a LOT. I can tell you my mind and the internal dialog in my head is completely different from 2 years ago, and also much a much kinder, and safer place.

So no, i won't finish college, im gonna be poor forever, i wont work, but i am much happier.

I finally feel like the best version of myself. The challenges i face in my life are no longer overwhelming, but a cycle ive grown rather fond of. Im so secure with myself that i can say "this next hardship will be good for me." And i don't think many people have the privilege of being that optimistic when faced with stressful situations.

It would have taken me my whole life to get to this point if i was still focusing on things like grades.

Im happy, and im more proud of myself than when i beat a triathlon, or won art contests.

[velvetporcelain]

lover,

i can’t look at myself, it’s bad luck. — it’s like I need to see myself without looking. — do you understand? things come to people when they don’t want them. so if i were you i would stop wanting the things that you want. — if that makes sense. george talks about it in a Seinfeld episode, the parking garage one —

as soon as I stop wanting to be beautiful, i am beautiful.

hockey game was a success. so many more things to watch than just hockey—- the people are fascinating and there are a spectrum of looks. —- there was an unspoken togetherness- and I think that’s why people like sports, the one thing that will bring us together, — but - it was fun to admire them all. look at them a bit longer than usual. talk to neighboring fans-

driving to Chicago this week, — trying to be excited about the drive, and the only drive that excites me is the one that wants to see my family. i miss them dearly, i know this internal impatience will fade once i am on the road- it will keep me going. and i will have plenty of time to think.

i don’t know how I wake up everyday and am capable of pushing down all the horrors of existence. if i think about it too much i can get anxious.— but i think being a woman has me prone, instinctively i am always the prey. — you can say that we all are but i think you know what i am implying.— or maybe admitting that we don’t give a fuck because look at us, obsessed with true crime —- evil men, murder and sex — i swear to god woman have sexualized their submissive instincts. — we have this attraction to bad men and bad is subjective to the woman. we this we can mend and heal them and they would then commit deeply to us for the rest of their lives, but poor them— they are committed to —- to—- what are men committed to? i really have a hard time finding even a far fetched, sarcastic response for that— i would have to start asking questions. —- maybe women admire from their shadows how men can be so committed to themselves. and that’s been the fight all along, it’s not equal rights it’s finally being so helpless we decide to commit to ourselves as women. and that’s what i have been doing— is that selfish in a vow of marriage? fuck no, this is different and you know it. a commitment to self because the world says commitment requires selflessness??? well that doesn’t seem right — maybe there’s a cap for commitment, maybe at a certain level there doesn’t need to be anymore definitive proof, just pure trust.

i am recognizing when i am falling into a victim mindset. — i almost did tonight, on the way home— looking at a photo of my husband and i- that victim mentality tried to convince me that he is miserable with me. — and it almost made me cry, and the image of his potential was showing in my mind, the version of him that i want him to be—- i was subjected to my own bullshit. — hence why I think there is a dark side to romance, it can bring great sadness for something that will always be imaginary, fabled, or unreachable. — shake that image out of my head, this is reality, this is the real him, unexpressive but so fucking expressive. — why won’t he let me save him? — maybe I already have and that’s why he is committed to me. — sometimes I think this version of man that I daydream plagues me into thinking I am a neglected woman— tell me this makes sense. — or am I compensating for the lack there of ——-????? fuck, i want to say i am lost but i cant, i wont put that into my body but i will inhale a cigarette, and eat sugar, fuck— see. — articulating too much at once my love. — so much to say, so much i do not understand, but like i said, if you want it to come, do not call it. ☎️—— maybe some would argue with spiritual propaganda that would be the opposite of manifestation, well no this is something different, this is letting what’s yours find you, you’re running away from it trying to find you and it will always be five steps behind, you will just miss each other— i don’t know how to explain this any other way, so i won’t.

still believe something about me is cathartic- still believe the man at the gym is completely fucking mad and I have to find a way to get rid of him, he’s a parasite sucking the teets of my divinity. i think i am going to take this moment of clarity to switch gyms, i have better shit to do. i want to commit to cleansing my brain and body and soul and stand face to face with myself. it is winter after all, what divine timing, a season of death, chill, stillness, and clarity. just as the snow lights up the darkness of night—- there is always something so beautiful about something so ugly, and as long as it has big enough eyes we will try to save it.

i know what i look like on the outside, —— i want to know what i look like on the inside— and i am finding out it’s a house, of mirrors.

-x

[eyelessfaces]

llewyn with #40. ik it sounds very cliche and plays on a lot of what people have already wrote for llewyn (yada yada yada, he crashes on your couch, blah blah you fight) but i lowkey eat that trope up. no need to write (ofc) but as a fellow angst enjoyer, HNNGGGGGGGGG

cause like (im sorry im gonna ramble)

Imagine being his really close friend. He practically lives with you, he stays up late with you, talks with you until you fall asleep. You work as a bartender at the Gaslight, so you two are also technically co-workers. You laugh with him, walk around the city with him- generally very couple-like. You and him are always teetering on the edge of becoming romantically involved, but he's avoiding/curbing all your attempts to get the both of you together. and it's not because he's not interested, no, he's VERY interested. but you're you. and he's llewyn. he'd never deserve a chance with you. he's scared of loving because he knows that when he loves he hurts. his love is seen as dangerous. something that kills like weeds choking out a garden.

one night, you two get kinda close and personal. you lean in for a kiss, but he turns away at the last second. and you're kinda hurt by that. from your point of view, he's been leading you on and leading you to believe that you'll get together eventually. eventually never comes. you're frustrated and begin to think that you're the problem, so in that distressed state of mind, you choke out the words:

"Why are you afraid to love me?"

(im sorry that this is rlly long and kinda overwhelming, you can delete if needed :D i wont take it personally)

no because atp this has to be canon in his love life!!

he's obviously portrayed to be self destructive and borderline toxic lmao so of course he believes he doesn't deserve any of that and that he's gonna end up ruining everything like he always does

I feel like he'd just go "I'm not afraid to love you, I'm afraid of hurting you" and even if you try to explain and convince him that you're sure you'll be okay he'll still brush you off

maybe from there things blur between you and you barely see him anymore after that; and not seeing you anymore doesn't mean that he doesn't think about you anymore and at some point he'll realize it was a mistake to give up on you

.......I'll leave you to decide how the rest of the story goes

(I actually love long ass asks where thoughts are elaborate so please don't apologize omg!!)

[jaegersmoon]

Do men hear yes when women scream no or something or are they just fucking dumb

This guy who I’ve been rejecting for THREE YEARS has literally gone insane like I’m FOR REAL I literally once screamed NO at him infornt of all his friends and I mean SCREAMED LIKE I WAS BEING REALLY FUXKING CLEAR ZHAT I DONT WANT HIM AND NOW HE TRIED AGAIN AND I JUST CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE SO I STARTED OPENLY COMPLAINING ABOUT HIM AND I DONT CARE IF HIS FRIENDS ARE AROUND AND HES BEEN ACTING LIKE A FUXKING VICTIM NOW FOR THE PAST DAYS AND HE DOESNT EVEN ALLOW HIS FRIENDS TO HAVE CONTACT WITH ME WHICH IS SO DUMB BECAUSE THEY ARE ALSO MY FRIENDS WHAT THE FUCK I LITERALLY HATE MEN SND THEIR FRAGILE EGO LIKE MOSZ PEOPLE WOULD UNDERSTAND IF SOMEONE SCREAMS NO AT YOU THAT THEY DONT WANT YOU BUT HES STILL CONVINCED THAT IM PLAYING HARD TO GET HOW IS HE SO FUXKING STUPID

I DONT WANT YOU AND HES BEEN CRYING OVER TEXT HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME AND IM LIKE YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME WE TALKED LIKE ONCE THREE YEARS AGO AND HE SUDDENLY DECIDED IM HIS SOULMATE WHY WONT GUYS ACCEPT A NO

goofy ass boy whattttt 😭😭😭 ick. ick. ick. they truly are good for absolutely 💫 nothing 💫

[burstfoot]

Arknights, 2 and 13

2 because i'm curious

13 because of the ask i got :)

Thank you for the prompts annie!!! 2. Oh jeez to pick from three??? To pick from three??? I guess if I had to pick (and this isnt from most to least fav just an arbitrary order) Goldenglow is one of my all time favourites, I love her design sooo much its so cute I stockpiled emotes and used her as an icon even before I actually started playing the game, and then when I actually got to Light Sparks in Darkness I was glued to the event the whole time... her story about trying to give the Infected and poor of Caladon dignity and having such a simple dream crushed by the greed of the rich in the area hit really close to home... I don't think people talk about the scene where Haze talks her down from committing suicide enough, that scene is REALLY good and one of the standout moments in Arknights for me. Also s3 carries me through every boss thank u susie <3

I probably have to choose between Silence and Ptilopsis cuz they're so intertwined so it would be sort of pointless to just do both of them for 2 and 3. I'll go with Silence cuz she has way more screentime even though I do love Joyce a whole whole bunch Unlike GG I had 0 clue about her before I started playing and sort of experienced her story out of order, I read Dorothy's Vision and was like "yeah she's cool :)" and then didn't think about her that much and then I finally got convinced into reading the manwha and it transformed my mind forever... the complexity of her story and relationship with Ifrit and Saria and Rhine Lab, how selfless & passionate she is to make up for the things she did wrong... ;-; < 3333. The underdog story of all of these great minds in columbia being unfolded by a tired, dedicated 5 nothing owl mom is so good. I also really love her design and Nori might be my favourite AK artist so every piece of art he does of her I love seeing. (also i really like guardians of gahoole as a kid so im obssessed with owls)

^ the bubo bubo For my third I could go with like, Specter or Muelsyse or Flametail or any other character within my favs who actually has lore to base my love upon them on but I wont. Pudding

Pudding :) Shes so cute. Let me get straight to the point. I have seal 13. I don't want to be too negative on my account hashtag peace and love... BUT... Related to earlier mentions... I kind of can't get behind Redblade/GG anymore. It's not necessarily that I hate the idea of them together, but it feels like "red miraculously showing up to save GG from problems" is pretty much the weakest storytelling aspect of Light Sparks in Darkness that exists just to move the plot along and as a whole the pairing almost always feels like it severely downplays the depths of her character in favor of STRONG MAN protect CUTE GIRL. It's a very stereotypical M/F pairing I'm much more interested in her relationship with Quercus or Haze, both of who have seen Susie at her lowest points and reached out to support her, as opposed to Red who pretty much just like. is nice to her and saves her from goons Also every single male doc / female operator pairing kinda grosses me out, it's pandering that reduces the characters to one note caricatures of themselves. If you read doc as male all of his actual in-universe relationships are made less interesting by being romantic or you are inventing a sex god chad that does not exist to magically seduce operators that do not interact with him in the story. I was going to call it self-insert garbage but the male!doc/female operator fan content i have seen is an insult to self-insert garbage.

[I don't hate m/f pairings btw mr nothing kroos nation. Men getting pegged. Mountain and domma and/or robin is cute too]

P.S. I like wracked my brain to find a yuri pairing i didnt like becasue i dont think being like. straight people are NOT COOL is going to be controversial at all on tumblr dot gov but i legitimately could not think of a popular one that i couldn't at least slightly get behind. even the worst yuri mischaracterization is fine to me ive seen the horrors of gachabro fancomics

[cringefailcabitha]

have u ever thought about whatll happen to cabby after the show ends, if she decides to not stay at hotel oj she wont need her files on the contestants on iii anymore. do you think she has files on other people in her life? or does she not have any friends? what if test tube tried to reach out to her years later and she’s completely forgotten her due to not needing her iii files? i love cabtube angst they make me Sick

-🍭 (i will stop putting stuff in your inbox i promise 😭)

I am hereby thankful that she doesn’t seem like the type to throw her contestant files away because even if it isn’t information immediately relevant to her it’s still a part of history, as she would put it. But— were she to return home and retreat into her own company out of guilt, and not reach out to the few friends she did manage to make, I think she would read her contestant files and episode files until she made herself sad, both because of the things she regrets and because she would miss the happy moments she had on the show. She is such a lonely seeming person to me that I feel like she didn’t really have friends before the competition.

On a brighter note though. If she chose not to stay at the hotel, and just went back to… wherever she came from, there is no way Bot, YinYang, or The Floor would just let her disappear on them like that. I think each of them have a unique bond with her that surpasses the parameters of competition. They would take The Floor with them in a little terrarium the three of them would go visit her and hang out really often. Maybe even convince her to stay at Hotel OJ since that’s where everyone else is. Or at least convince her to stay closer to them.