#YOU WENT SO SO EXTRA WITH THE MINI COMIC I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH YOU HAVE NO IDEA

[blackghostm2oart]

OMFG LEMME RESPOND TO YOU! >:)))

(Click for better quality because these are ROUGH AF)

And obligatory Lerik and Cherik reactions

Here’s your triple flip off @thunderpoolisawesome hehe

Idk why I’ve put this much effort into this stupid shitpost

As usual this comes from the Discord tomfoolery

[zenzaaaaaaaaaaaa]

fantasy high junior year ep 1 liveblog

oh motherfucker i crashed into obsession with dimension 20 in a big way in a very short period of time. let's goooooooo

i find it hilarious that the loading time on dropout tanked right as it hit release time. i know you are all out there frantically hitting refresh

oh shit the content warning from neverafter narration ohohoho are we gonna have a fucked up season

!!!! i love the art style of the intro!!!! all fun sketchy!!!!! post it note graph paper lined paper crumply yes yes

i love lou's shirt so much. fun colors and mushrooms!

emily you are fair and valid but also that is the jankest setup for drinks ever. are you pouring hot drinks straight into a mason jar with no handle.

hand holding!! lil fingertip touchies. i feel like this will come back later and hurt me.

fantastic camera work and cinematography so far. somebody is working their ass off.

Oh lou has fun earrings! and his dead dad has a job in cleveland!

of course emily would play a wizard if fig died. you can rip her spell cards away from her cold dead hands and even then only if you could get past murph

night yorb. so stupid i love it.

gnome raised orc boy so upset about agricultural ramifications

I do love slow degradation apocalypse. a very fun concept. is the night yorb capitalism brennan. brennan you have to tell us if the night yorb is capitalism. are the yorbees elon musk fanboys.

oh i love the night yorb! i am a big fan of little fucked up goth creatures who communicate through screaming and incredible violence

I love the character profile screen! really leaning into the fun aesthetic

fig has defense mode and attack mode like crocs if her mini has a skateboard or not.

my boy gorgug! he is eating so much dust and making fun things these days

I do not trust squeem. squeem is going to go full calroy cruller. squeem who are you.

adaine just like me fr. covered in lil guys. she's a true wizard pondering orbs and summoning random shit for no particular reason.

boggy!! moggy!! i trust them and love them. rosamund du prix who. adaine abernant is the best disney princess

gorgug has a homunculus? what the hell is that

is. is baby driving. why is baby driving.

fabian is a callout post for me specifically. just because you learn to point your toes and flexibility to lift your leg into the air doesn't mean you have to do it all the time. it's just convenient. Also the haircut and the all black. fabian is just me with one less eye and much more charisma.

is he fucking the mirror? why is he fucking the mirror? fabian the mirror has to be evil. you only like people who are evil. oh he's fucking his own reflection. that's. that's. that's something.

Saint Kristen Applebees (ex-blanket burrito, current fitness buff, definitely not still upset about Tracker, 4 dexterity) sitting in the van like a normal person, not fucking mirrors

Riz! Riz! Riz! Oh thank god he's driving. With mage hand. He has to keep recasting it every minute but he's just extra like that

Rest easy y'all, he still has a stupid hat. it's just now a fedora. my condolences. counterpoint he is accessorizing and has a choker.

I love siobhan's massive folder of spell cards. she has her own spellbook

why are the two people safely inside the car the people that lost the most hp. fabian and kristen why are you exiled inside the van now

He has a necklace and choker? Riz as someone who accessorizes way too much you should have disadvantage on stealth from all that jangling

Riz driving the van with just a little more effort than a group of stoats

"so sexy inspector gadget"

they are going to fall over.

night yorb shittin sunday. it is fully wednesday but it is also night yorb shittin sunday

please fabian stop fucking the mirror

fabian last time you tried to leave a car it went so awfully

fabian it went so awfully. +13 to acrobatics for a 15 DC. this is deeply comical

"there is nothing magical about getting hit by a car"

lou got the murph curse

this is the Bad Kids experience. tables all over again. Imagine if the first thing lou did on his first turn of junior year was kill fabian

emily is raring at the bit to use silvery barbs. oh shit murph's got it too! power couple! they gave each other advantage

nat 20 dex save for a mod 16. no one is doing it like kristen applebees

fig don't huff night yorb shit.

riz needs to get vehicular manslaughter knuckle tattoos

oh cassandra i love you

portent rolls!!

gorgous

!!! the sound effect on the eldritch blast!!

squeem with some big fabian energy

gorgug does zelda know the complex relationship you have with squeem

gorgug is worried about the kelly blue book on his very heavily modified angelically possessed van

'the sunday scaries but you worked on the weekend'

"you started the season by getting run over. immediately."

night yorb shitting sunday once more

"ribbon dance this motherfucker!"

kristen is in her ricky matsui era

i trust no new characters they introduce now. that cowboy centaur with alcoholism and a rough family situation and the man he lets ride him are going to kill someone in this party i can feel it.

that fucking vulture

i love the bisexual lighting of this background

oo the glitter on the battle sheet on that mini rules

fabian no fabian don't fabian just stay on your motorcycle

oh thank fuck

actually no i'd prefer fabian to get crushed under the hangvan than to keep flirting with this fucking mirror. already broke up with aelwyn huh. probably for the best but really man don't fuck the mirror

balthazar is gone. but brennan very carefully didn't say dead so now i am very worried about us getting a cowboy space dead existentialism manifest destiny villain this season. and by very worried i mean hopeful

squeem

riz my dexterous son dodge that shit with 28+ rolls damn

cassandra you deserve the world. kristen please help a lady out. she's so lonely

murph's little beans!

oh we're getting in deep with the deep exhaustion of kids and teens forced to fight wars they were told would be good for them!!! my favorite!!!! i love this !!!!

what the fuck emily. uh. sour and curdled. is this ravening war again. is fig in deep with the cheese demons. fig is in deep with cheese demons. is she. is she the hungry one. is she with the hungry one now. what the fuck

well mark me down as scared and hungry

fabian stop flirting with the mirror.

oh shit there's a portal coming up next

oh no the van is going to die isn't it

duncan vs. plug debate on the economics of paying for blowjobs in the desert

[shotofire]

omg thank you so much xd, that was so hilarious i couldn't stop laughing 😂, you're amazing never stop writing, i would like another oneshot modern levi if you dont mind, but this time his girlfriend prank him doing the challenge "pretending to give him a head/blowjob" thank you you're amazing 🖤🖤

I never mind your requests! It makes me so happy to see them in my inbox :p Thank you, you’re so sweet!!! I had to look up what this prank was lol but I the gist of it

•MODERN!LEVI x F!READER

•Warnings: cursing, smut... but not all the way

•Season: Not set within the show

(This is sort of a part two for, Who the hell is Mike?, some parts may be confusing if you haven’t read it)

-

Your best friend Angel bursted out laughing as you told her what had happened with Levi. It had been a week since you gave him a mini heart attack. Her eyes filled with tears as the laughing continued, she definitely found it comical.

Even more so, she wishes you recorded it. Of course doing what you did was out of character for you in general, so recording was definitely a no go. Plus it’s not like you’d post it, so what’s the point.

“I’m trying to imagine this face you’re describing,” she lets out more childish giggles, “he scrunched up his nose? What if that’s like his jealous tick?”

It probably was, you’d never seen him do something like that before in all the years you two had been together. He was always calm and tried not to show expression, unless smiling, so seeing him do something so out of the ordinary was interesting.

“I don’t know, it may be,” you said and watched how her eyes sparkled with curiosity. Some part of you felt bad for what you had done, but Levi assured you it was okay. He even went as far as to say it was funny now that he knew you weren’t serious. He still would randomly tickle you and say it’s punishment for what you had done, but it was just an excuse to attack your sides and hear your uncontrollable laughter.

Even a week later he was still coming up behind you and holding you still while tickling you until he felt satisfied. It was okay for a few days but now he was just trying to annoy you, but in a way you deserved it. You had made him think you were cheating on him with some guy named Mike, so tickling was nothing compared to that.

Angel pulled out her phone, “I have something else you should do!” You raised your eyebrows skeptically, but she was already smiling. If it was something else that would hurt his heart you weren’t sure if you could do it.

Yes the facial expressions he made out of jealousy were hilarious to say the least, but his eyes had also softened in worry and hurt. That was something you didn’t want to see again. It showed you how much he loved you, and how the thought of you breaking the trust you’d built for many years scared him so much in that moment.

She showed you the video and you were kind of confused, just like the last time. It was a girl putting her hair up and leaning towards her, most likely, boyfriend then diverting her attention to something else. Angel laughed out loud, “Imagine Levi with that look of disappointment in his eyes.” You still were lost at what was going on and she noticed. She wanted to call you an oldie, but decided against it.

You truly were left out of the loop sometimes, but at the same time Angel admired that. It was rare in this day and age to have no desire for social media, and you probably had a healthier mindset than her.

The girl couldn’t help but roll her eyes at your confused state. “She made him think she was about to give him head, but she reached for the remote beside him and turned on the tv,” she explained like it was the most obvious thing ever. Maybe you didn’t get it because you never put your hair up when giving Levi a blowjob, he had a thing for holding your hair himself. You honestly didn’t think you could pull this one off due to that, Levi probably would just think you’re putting your hair up cause you feel like it.

“So uh, I don’t put my hair up when I give Levi head,” you admit with a blush, “he usually holds my hair for me.” Her eyes automatically widen and she lets out a snort at how embarrassed you were saying that. “Then you’re going to have to do something extra so he does think you’re gonna give him head,” she says with her hands waving in the air.

You let out a nervous chuckle unsure of how you’d even be able to do that. The idea was to make it seem like you were going to but at the same time not going to. You weren’t that skilled in the acting department.

Levi probably would tickle you till you can’t breath if you did something to mess with him again. But this wasn’t harmful for his sweet heart at all, the most it would do is give him blue balls. He could definitely live with that, he gets enough action out of you. The man may be older but he definitely still had a crazy sex drive. So, that made it even a better reason to mess with his hormones.

When a smile spread across your face Angel knew you’d made up you mind. “Look at you getting involved with the trends, I feel like a proud Mom,” she squealed with pure happiness. Heat rises to your cheeks, the girl had once again convinced you to mess with your boyfriend.

“Stop, you’re making me feel old,” you griped but had a playful smile on your face. She shakes her head at you and giggles before pulling up more video to show you.

Levi came home earlier than usual, Angel was still sitting on your couch talking up a storm. He thought she was a good friend, but he didn’t appreciate what she had convinced you to do a week ago. “You’re home early,” you said with a smile. You liked when he got off work at this time, it gave you two longer to spend time with one another. “Erwin gave me the rest of the week off with pay as a Christmas present,” he chuckled a bit remembering how awkward Erwin was as he called it a Christmas present.

You let out a light squeal and wrap your arms around him, “That’s so sweet! Now I get you all to myself.” Levi watched as your brows wiggled with suggestion and he smirked. “Well, I guess i’ll leave my favorite love birds alone,” Angel said with a fake frown. You gave her a hug and she was off, leaving you with Levi.

“Let’s watch a movie,” you propose, “we haven’t sat down and watched one in so long.” He agrees with the idea and you hug him once again. This was part of your plan, to be all clingy. Sure you two were attached at the hip but constant touching from you usually meant something. Plus you were getting him to be still, which was hard.

The man always wanted to catch up with work, but tonight he had no reason to, It was all falling into place. As if the universe wanted you to fuck with him again.

After Levi changed out of his work clothes into something comfortable it was really starting to set into motion. You’d already picked out the movie, made popcorn, and grabbed a hair tie from the bathroom. Purposely, you set the bowl of popcorn on the table next to Levi’s usually side of the couch. All the lights were out besides the luminosity of the television. “You sure are eager to watch a movie,” he said with a quirked brow. You’d already taken your seat on the couch and Levi followed suit.

You giggled at his words and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He kissed you back, expect on the nose, and your heart warmed at the gesture. He was making it harder to follow through with your devious plan. Why did he have to be such a sweetie? Minute after minute went by and your hands stayed on Levi. Wether it was playing with his hair, or holding his hand, you were being a touchy fanatic.

Right after you gave him a peck on the neck you knew it was time of time to trick him. His shoulders perked up when your lips had met his neck, sending a shock to his stomach. You sat up some and took the band off of your wrist before messily putting your hair up. Levi was looking at you with hungry eyes, you’d definitely fooled him.

You turned towards him and rested your palm on his lap. His heart was starting to beat faster and his body was becoming hot. Right as he thought you were about to kiss him you kept leaning past his face, grabbing the bowl of popcorn next to him instead. You leaned back into the couch and set the dish in your lap. Shock grew within him as you started to eat away as if nothing happened. As if you hadn’t made him turn into a horny mess within the span of 15 seconds.

It was so hard to not laugh at the confused and dumbfounded expressions on his face. In a way, to him, this was on a different level of cruel. His dick was straining in his pants as you stuffed your mouth with popcorn. “What was that about?” he finally said, not caring much about the movie anymore. You raised your brows in confused and munched away, “What are you talking about baby?”

He put the back on his hand over his eyes and slid it down his face. The last thing he wanted to do was be an asshole because he thought he was getting head. He kept telling himself he misread the situation and was being too much of an aroused fuck. But when you started giggling up a storm he knew you’d done it on purpose.

“It was Angels idea wasn’t it?” You nodded as an answer, still consumed with giggles. He huffed at you before grabbing your hand and put on his crotch. The feeling of his bulge made you almost automatically stop with your childish sounds. “See how easily you got me worked up?” you didn’t say anything, only watched as his grey eyes darkened in desire.

The action made you gulp. He grabbed the bowl of popcorn and set it back on the table next to him. You yelped as his strong hands pulled you onto his lap. Levi wasn’t going to let you win this time, he’d be damned if Angel laughed later on as you explained it. He was going to punish you in a different way now, one that would leave you screaming.

“I bet you’re a little worked up too,” his finger traces your collar bone and you can’t help but shiver. He bucked his hips a bit, making his member hit the right spot on your heat. When you let out a slight whimper he knew you were wrapped around his finger this time. You felt your parts become ignited from his touch. He definitely wasn’t holding back.

“I’m gonna make you beg for me to stop,” he whispers in your ear with his deep voice. Strong arms wrap around your waist as he carries you to the bedroom. Your stomach is filled with excitement and your heard is starting to spin at the adrenaline rush.

Once he sets you down on the bed his lips start to attack your neck. Sucking and biting almost every inch, moans slip past your lips in ecstasy. His hands play with your chest only adding to the feeling, and you’re in a fit on pleasure.

Your vision is blurred as his hands snake under your shirt. Lips move away for a second to lift the clothing over your head. You should have known Levi would react like this, he wasn’t going to let you get your way again.

Fingers looped around the waistband of your fuzzy pajama bottoms, slipping them off your legs. He kisses the inside of your thighs with wet lips which causes your breathing to become more uneven. His hands pressed into your sides once his mouth began to hover over your clothed core. His hot breath so close to where you needed him most made your body feel like jelly.

“Beg for it,” he whispers with a smirk plastered across his beautiful features. That’s when you knew he had a long night planned for the two of you.

[somethinginthewayiam]

The universe can be a bitch (Part 1/2)

(this is a continuation of Nightcap)

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x OFC (Anna)

Warnings: slight smut (leading up to part 2)

Words: 6583

Summary: Anna was back on her way to Philadelphia to replace a sick colleague at the Wizard World after her one-night-stand with Sebastian, not knowing what she got herself into and who she would be meeting again at the Wizard World, and most of all, being responsible for there. The three actors from Civil War. Anna sure wasn't ready to face her one-night-stand from the night before, especially when he was now a client and strictly taboo...

a/n: I wrote this after the Wizzard World Convention 2016 and as a follow-up to Nightcap. Hope you like it and let me know if you want to be tagged for Part 2!

a/n:  IMPORTANT! I've never been to a Comic Con or an event like it so I don't really know how it actually works and what's going on there, so please don't judge me and my story on my lack of knowledge. I built up the convention how I needed it for my story and I hope you still like it. Everything I know is from some pictures and videos from people that went there...

tag list:

@himynamebel00​  @melaninromantic @obliviatevamps​

A hammering noise ripped Anna out of her sleep and for a second she didn’t know where she was. She reached over to the nightstand and her hand searched for her phone but it wasn’t there. Somewhere in this room it played her typical wake-up music which clearly didn’t wake her up this time.

The hammering noise resounded again and she finally noticed that someone was at her door. With wobbly feet she got up and wrapped the sheet around her naked body. The next second she remembered why she was sleeping naked, something she normally never did. Sebastian.

His face appeared in her head and a smile came across her face. Someone knocked at her door again. “Oh yeah”, she said to herself and stumbled over to the door. For a second she thought it could be Sebastian and her heart started racing. With a smile she slightly opened the door to get a peek at who was in front of her hotel room.

The corners of her mouth dropped immediately as she saw the receptionist at her door. “I’m sorry to disturb you Miss, but you asked for a wake-up call and didn’t answer the phone, so I wanted to make sure you were alright”, he said and politely looked at the doorframe instead of her body wrapped in sheets. “Oh, yes, thank you”, she said rattled and brushed her messy hair out of her face.

 “What time is it now?”, she asked. “It’s 20 minutes past 6, Miss”, he said and her eyes widened. “What?! Shit!”, she blurted out. “Can you call me a cab, please? I’ll be down in 5 minutes, 10 tops”, she hastily said and ran back into her room to get dressed and pack her suitcase.

“Shit, shit, shit”, she repeatedly said while she collected her clothes off the floor while her phone still played the music somewhere in the room. She finally found it in her purse next to her suitcase. Anna quickly put on her jeans and the shirt from the day before. She collected her things from the bathroom and threw everything into her suitcase.

Anna rushed down to the reception to ask if her cab was already here. “Yes, it is waiting outside for you, Miss”, the man from before said. “Thank you very much”, she said and turned around to leave. “Excuse me, Miss? You still have to pay your bill”, he said. “But the airline is paying for the room”, Anna replied with a bad feeling in her stomach. “The hotel room, yes, but not the drinks from the mini-bar”, he explained.

“How do you even know that? I just left the room”, she asked. “I saw the glasses on the table”, he simply said. “Can I please have your credit card number so we can charge your card when our staff has checked your room?”, he asked. With a frustrated grunt she looked for her wallet in her purse and handed him her credit card. The receptionist gathered all the needed information and then gave back the card.

She quickly ran out to the waiting cab and prayed for low traffic. Anna arrived at the airport just in time to make it to the check-in counter to get an angry look by the airline employee as she checked her in. As soon as Anna had made it through the security check, she went to get a cup of coffee. Now that she had time to sit down for a moment, she realized how tired she was. 4 hours of sleep definitely were not enough but the reason why she had so little sleep was a very good excuse. She stared into the distance and smiled while she stirred in her coffee. Since she had some time left, she decided to go buy a book for the almost 90 minutes of flying she had left until she finally arrived in Philadelphia.

The whole reason she went to Philadelphia was for work. Normally she worked at an event management agency in New York as a hostess for VIP guests. A colleague of her got sick at the first day of the Wizard World Con and Anna had to replace her. She was on her way home from L.A. where her agency had held an event and Philadelphia was a last minute call. Anna had never been to such an event before but her friend Susan from the same agency worked there too this weekend and would help her out if she needed anything.

She didn’t even know which guests she would have to accompany there but Susan would give her all the information as soon as she got there. Anna arrived at her gate a few minutes into boarding and a long line had already formed. With a frustrated huff she took her place at the end of the line. She looked around to see if she could find Sebastian anywhere but since he was in business class, he probably had the early boarding privileges.

When the sign for the seat belt went off, Anna was finally able to go to the toilet. She had to wait in line behind 3 people. For a second she thought about pulling the same trick as on her first flight but the stewardess on this plane seemed to feel very strongly about separating the business class from coach after Anna overheard her talking to another passenger who had asked to go up front for some reason, she wasn’t able to hear why. But that’s when she knew she didn’t even need to ask to go through that velvet curtain.

What would she talk to him about anyways? She couldn’t remember that there was much talking between them last night other than sexual related stuff. Also it kind of seemed pathetic to her to go up to him because it felt like, “Hi, do you remember me? I’m the girl from last night you’ve fucked for two hours straight and then left without even paying for the drinks as you promised.”

Anna shook her head at herself and felt so stupid even considering it. She would probably never see him again and why ruin a perfect night? After she paid a well needed visit to the toilet, she took out the book she bought and started reading it. It took her a few tries to stop thinking about Sebastian and to concentrate on the words she read but after a while she got into the story. Although the book wasn’t that bad, she fell asleep after a few pages and the time flew by in no time.

Anna got ripped out of her sleep as the wheels touched ground and the whole plane shook for a second. As soon as they were allowed to loosen their seatbelts and get up, she grabbed her bag from the compartment box above her head and collected her stuff before she joined the long line of waiting passengers to leave the plane. In order to find the right baggage conveyor belt for her flight, she just followed a few familiar faces from the plane. She walked up to the already moving belt and put down her purse. The few minutes of sleep she had gotten on the plane had wracked her up more than they had helped.

“Hello, beautiful”, she suddenly heard behind her and quickly turned around. It was a bit hard to recognize him with his baseball cap and the ray bans he had put on but it definitely was Sebastian. “Hello”, she replied a bit startled because she thought her chances to meet him again were long gone. “I wanted to come find you on the plane but I fell asleep”, he spoke with a low voice so no one around would hear him. “Don’t worry about it, I fell asleep too”, she said and held an eye out for her suitcase as the first ones started to make their way along the conveyor belt.

They both watched the moving suitcases pass by. “How are your legs?”, he asked and she could hear his smile in his voice even without looking at him. “I’ll get around, thank you”, she replied, still not looking at him. Her crotch was well aware of her activities from last night, but she would not rub it into his face…she did that last night.

“I’d love to stay around a bit longer but I’m already late for work”, he said and shouldered his bag. “Do you only have this one bag?”, she asked, now facing him. “Yes, I’m here just for the weekend”, he said. “Yes, me too…work”, Anna told him and shrugged her shoulders. She felt the need to appear extra casual since she was feeling the complete opposite having him that close to her again.

“Since we’re both here for just the weekend, maybe we could meet up for a drink tonight when you get off work”, he suggested. “I don’t know when that will be, I’m just covering for someone…and I don’t think this would be a good idea anyways”, she said and looked down at her feet. “Maybe you’re right”, he said and although she felt the same, she was a bit sad that it seemed that he felt like that too. “But maybe you’re wrong”, he said and shot her a devilish grin.

She couldn’t help but smile to herself. “How about this? Since we’re both here just for the weekend…if we meet again then we’ll take it a sign that the universe wants us to have that drink”, she suggested. “The universe?”, he chuckled. “You still owe me a drink anyways. So much for ‘my treat’”, Anna said and put the last words in quotation marks with her fingers.

“Oh shit, I forgot to pay for the drinks”, he said, honestly sorry. “Yeah, well, I found out too this morning when they wanted my credit card number”, she said and crossed her arms in front of her chest. “I’m so sorry. Now you have to let me make it up to you”, he said. “I thought you’re late for work?”, she asked with a smirk at how he probably wanted to make it up to her.

“Shit, you’re right, I really need to go now”, he sighed after a quick look at the clock on the monitor. “But I’m taking you up on that universe thing. If we meet again, we’ll have that drink”, he said and brushed his shoulder against hers as he leaned over.

Anna watched him walk away towards the exit. She actually was late for work too and she couldn’t see her suitcase anywhere. Just when she thought she had to go to the lost and found counter, she finally saw her luggage come out of the hole in the wall. With fast steps she walked towards her suitcase, took it off the belt and rushed to the exit. She immediately found a cab which seemed like a miracle and traffic wasn’t too bad either.

Anna had no time to go to her hotel first. The cab drove her straight to the Pennsylvania Convention Center where the event would be held. She texted Susan from the cab to come and pick her up at the employee’s entrance since she didn’t have any passes yet to get in.

“I thought you’d never make it”, were the words Susan greeted her with as she waved her past the security guards. “I’m so sorry, it’s a long story but I promise it’s not my fault”, Anna apologized and gave her a quick hug. “I know, I know. Thank you so much for filling in”, Susan said. She knew Anna for a few years now and she had always been the professional, punctual type, so that’s why she believed her.

Susan showed Anna where the rooms and offices for the employees were and handed her the pass with which she could walk around freely at the venue. Anna quickly changed in the toilet from her jeans and shirt to a taupe colored knee-long dress and heels in the same color, something she would normally wear to events she worked at. She brushed her long brown hair and put them up in a light, neat bun. There was just enough time left to refresh her make-up and then she walked out to meet with Susan again.

“So, this weekend you’re in charge of three of our biggest VIPs. Since Christine is sick, you’re the only one experienced enough to handle them”, Susan talked while she walked down a hall. Anna was barely able to keep up. “You’ve got the Civil War fraction, names and info are here”, she said and handed Anna a clipboard with the schedules for panels, photo-ops and signings. “Your guests arrived just a minute ago. I had Amber greet them and bring them to you”, Susan kept on talking. Anna just nodded. “I’m in charge of the other guests from Marvel, so we’ll meet up eventually at some point, but please don’t ask me when”, she said and stopped in front of a big door.

“I know this is your first comic themed convention. It can be a bit much but I’m sure you’ll handle it just fine. Just be your professional self and the weekend will be over in no time…and thank you so much again for filling in”, Susan said, gave her a quick hug and pushed the door open.

It was very loud and a lot of people in amazingly detailed costumes walked around. Anna was immediately fascinated and blown away by it, but sadly had no time to look around any further. Susan directed her to the backstage area for the guests and walked into a room. “This is the room for your guests. You will be coming back here every now and then, when they have a break or waiting for their next session. I’ll be on the other end of the center, so if you need anything, just call me”, she said and was about to walk out again. “And good luck”, she said while closing the door behind her and the next moment Anna was alone.

She took a water bottle from the table full of food and drinks in the corner and took a big sip. It was time to look at the clip board since her guests could arrive any minute. Anna walked over to the couch and sat down. Her shoes hurt her already and she thought they might have been a bad choice in this big center. Maybe she had time in-between her guests’ appointments to go change to more comfortable lower heels.

Anna looked at the printouts of her guests. “Oh Chris Evans”, she said out loud when she looked at the first page. There was a page with a picture and a short bio of everyone. Normally she would have studied them to know about her guests beforehand but today she didn’t have the time to go into detail.

She turned the page to find Anthony Mackie next. She didn’t recognize him, but his face looked oddly familiar, she probably had seen him in a movie before or something. “And my third protégée is…”, she said, but before she could turn the page, she heard voices and steps coming towards the door. Just as she looked up, the door opened and a red-haired girl came in. “This is your dressing room for the next two days. And I would like to introduce you to your hostess for the weekend. She will take care of anything you’ll need and will guide you to your appointments”, the girl said as she stepped in and right behind her, three tall men walked in.

Anna stood up, straightened out her dress and when she looked up again, froze in her movements. “Gentlemen, this is…”, the red-haired girl said but got interrupted. “Anna”, Sebastian said and seemed just as surprised as she was. “Sebastian”, Anna said with big eyes. “You two know each other?”, Chris Evans asked surprised and his eyes wandered between the two of them. “Ehm…yes, we…ran into each other on the plane”, she said, internally panicking.

She made a step towards Chris to greet him, just concentrating on the person in front of her. “Hello, I’m Anna, nice to meet you”, she said and shook his hand, then Anthony Mackie’s and then stood in front of Sebastian. “Hi”, he said, shook her hand and held it a bit longer than necessary.

When Anna took a step back again, she took a deep breath then reached for her clipboard. This was a job, she had to be professional. And a big rule of being professional meant to have no personal relations with your guests, which she had broken already.

“From what I can see, we have a busy day ahead of us”, she said, scraping together all the professional hostess-experience she had. She just had to act like she had not seen Sebastian naked or going down on her between her thighs. Easy…not.

“The first thing today is…”, Anna said and looked at the event schedule. Of course. “A photo-op with Sebastian”, she said and shot a quick look at him before she looked down on the board in her hand again. “We will have to leave for that in about 10 minutes, but before, please help yourselves to some refreshments and settle in. I will be right back”, Anna said with a professional smile and with that the guys spread out across the room.

Before Sebastian could say anything to her, she turned to the girl still standing at the door. “Amber, right?”, she asked and the girl nodded. “Can I talk to you for a moment?”, she asked more out of politeness because she already dragged her out by the arm and closed the door behind her.

“Thank you for bringing them here. I just need to ask you where the hell I have to go for those photo-ops. I didn’t have time to study the maps and I don’t want to embarrass myself”, she said to Amber. Even more than I already did, she added in her head and listened carefully to what Amber told her and wrote everything down on her clipboard.

She actually just needed a good reason not to be in the same room as Sebastian for a moment to understand what just had happened.

When Amber left, Anna flicked through the pages and stopped at the printout of Sebastian. How could she not have known who she had slept with? The posters for the movie were everywhere and it was THE movie everyone was talking about. She felt so stupid. She could really only hope that Sebastian would behave and not make inappropriate comments or something stupid to throw her off. But from what she had experienced so far with him, her hopes weren’t high up.

She walked up and down in front of the door, taking deep breaths and tried to calm herself down. “Everything will be alright. I’m a professional, I am good at my job, I know what I’m doing”, she mumbled to herself, her fingers tightly gripping the clipboard in her hands. “He is just a client, a normal client…”, she tried to convince herself.

Anna looked at her phone and decided that it was time for the first photo-op of the day. She took a deep breath again and opened the door. “Sebastian, they’re ready for you. Please follow me”, she said with a bright, professional smile and held the door open for him. “I will see you gentlemen in about 30 minutes. If you need anything, someone is always around”, she said and waited for Sebastian to walk out and closed the door behind the two of them.

She started walking as quickly as her heels allowed her and from a quick look over her shoulder she saw that Sebastian had no trouble keeping up. “So you’re not gonna talk to me?”, he asked after a few moments of walking in silence. “Only work related”, she replied to him without turning around. “What about the universe and the sign? You’re words, not mine”, he said, his hands held up in a defensive motion and with a smug grin.

He caught up to her and was now walking very closely behind Anna. “That was before I knew you were a client”, she said with a hint of bitterness in her voice. “The universe can be a bitch, huh?”, he asked with a chuckle but before Anna could say anything in return, they walked out to the general area and it was just too loud to talk.

A lot of fans recognized him but he didn’t have time to stop for autographs. Later at his booth he would have enough time to sign their pictures. Anna had to concentrate on the directions Amber had given her but luckily the way was well-signposted and they arrived there just a few minutes later.

A makeup-artist was already waiting for him to make him picture-ready. “Could you take special care of my eyes, I had a long night”, he asked the make-up lady. Although Anna was studying the schedule, she knew he was looking at her when he said it. She just rolled her eyes and concentrated on her work.

Anna saw that dozens of people were already lined-up in front of the booth as she peaked through the black curtain. It amazed her again how much work a lot of them had put into their costumes. Some of them were probably working months in preparation for this weekend and their opportunity to show it to their hero.

She felt a hand on her back and shot back up. “Excuse me, Miss, I have to get to my photo-op or my boss will be mad at me”, he said with an innocent voice and pushed past her way closer than he had to in this wide space. “I’m not your boss, I’m your hostess”, she snapped at him. “Who said I was talking about you?”, he whispered as he stood in front of her. She didn’t know what to say in return and the inhaled air got stock in her throat in lack of a witty answer. “But I was”, he mouthed with a wink as he took a step backwards and turned around just in time to go through the curtain. The crowd immediately started cheering and Sebastian greeted his fans.

The photo session started and Anna was surprised and impressed at how easy-going and relaxed he was with his fans. There was no pose or idea he didn’t do and he made everyone feel like they just had the best idea for a photo. She had to admit that it was very charming and immediately hated him for how adorable he was.

“Sorry for being late”, a big, black man appeared next to her. “I’m the security guard for the Civil War cast this weekend”, he added as he saw her questioning look. “Oh, sure. Hi, I’m Anna, I’m taking care of the Civil War cast for the weekend”, she introduced herself and stuck her hand out. “I’m Melvin, but you can call me Mel”, he shook her hand.

“Is this your first Wizard World or any kind of Con?”, he asked. “What gave me away?”, she asked with a shy smile. “Your shoes. You’re not gonna make it in them for long”, he explained and nodded at her shoes. “I already regret them”, she said and shifted her weight over to her other leg. “Where are you normally working at?”, he kept asking her.

“I’m a hostess for high profile guests in New York, mostly at club openings and vernissages…why?”, she added after she saw his look on her. “Oh nothing, I’m just making conversation”, he said with a shrug. “No, you’re not”, she said suspiciously. Melvin shrugged his shoulders again. “Mel, if we want us to get along on this weekend, you have to be honest with me”, she said with her arms crossed in front of her chest.

“You’re a bit overdressed”, he said, looking up and down her dress. She looked down herself. “What’s wrong with my dress?”, she asked insecurely. “It’s way too much. All staff around here is dressed in jeans and a black shirt”, he explained to her. Anna remembered Susans clothes when she’d picked her up just an hour ago. Jeans and black shirt.

She looked around her. The make-up lady, Melvin, the photographer, the woman who controlled the amount of people for every photo. All of them were wearing pants and a black shirt. Shit!

“Great, now I feel weird”, she said with a huff and pouted. “Maybe you’ll find time to change later”, he suggested, also watching Sebastian at his photo session, probably ready to jump in when needed, but everyone behaved perfectly. “I should, shouldn’t I?”, she asked. “Yeah”, Melvin nodded and then they both watch the action in front of them in silence.

A few minutes before Sebastians time was over, she walked back to her assigned dressing room, leaving Sebastian in Melvins care to collect Chris Evans and Anthony Mackie for their photo-ops, which would be held at almost the same time in two separate booths next to each other.

After that they had other photo-ops with all kinds of combinations of the three of them. Then they were waiting for the other Marvel stars that were invited to the convention for group shots

As the four of them stood around behind the photo booth, Anna showed Chris his scheduled appointments on her printouts. “Since those two overlap, I will ask Amber to take Anthony and Sebastian and I will go with you”, she told him. She tried to make it sound casual and perfectly normal to put someone else in charge of Sebastian, and Anthony for that matter.

“Look at that poor woman, you’re boring her”, Anthony said to Chris as Anna unsuccessfully tried to hide her yawn. “Oh no, I’m sorry. I didn’t get much sleep last night”, she apologized and avoided to look at Sebastian as she talked. “Oh no, what happened?”, Sebastian asked with an innocent voice. “I had a problem with a little creature keeping me up all night”, Anna said. She as well could play this game.

“Was it a spider? I hate spiders”, Chris said and pulled a face. “Well, I don’t think it was that little if it kept you up all night”, Sebastian countered, looking at her with a cheeky grin and a smug look on his face. “I don’t think they’re talking about spiders, Chris”, Anthony said and started to follow the verbal exchange with growing interest.

“Small enough to be annoying”, she replied and leaned her head to her side, narrowing her eyes that said bring-it-on. “It looks like it still wrecked you up pretty hard”, Sebastian shot back with his arms crossed in front of his chest, still grinning like he was sure that he would win this.

Sebastian and Anna didn’t even realize that Chris and Anthony had stopped talking and were listening closely to their back-and-forth. “It sounds like the two have history…more than just a flight. So wherever they’re going, I’m going”, Anthony said with his hands resting on his hips and a big smile spread across his face.

“We don’t have history”, Anna said determined as she got ripped out of Sebatians stare by Anthonys words. “Well…kinda”, Sebastian said with a devilish grin, his head leaned to the right. “No”, Anna denied it again and shot him an angry look. She looked back down at her clipboard to distract herself. “Oh, I’m definitely going with them”, Anthony said and was grinning like a child on Christmas.

“We’re here, we’re here”, Susan arrived behind the curtain. Behind her Hayley Atwell, Dominic Cooper and Stanley Tucci. “Thank god”, came out louder than Anna had intended. “Okay, we’re not that late”, Susan said with furrowed brows and playfully put her hands up in defense. “No, no…forget it”, Anna said and walked up to her. “I’m…just happy to see you again”, she quickly said.

“How’s it going so far?”, Susan asked her with a lower tone while their guests started to greet each other and get into conversation. “It’s good, we seem to be on time so far, but you know…”, Anna shrugged her shoulders. “Oh, it’ll be just fine. I really gotta say, you got a fine group of men to look after”, Susan said and wiggled her eyebrows. “Really? I didn’t notice”, Anna said and looked down to hide her blushing face. “Are you blind?”, Susan asked with a big laugh which caused a few people around them to look at the two women, including Sebastian. He shot her a questioning look but she ignored it.

“That brown-haired one is really cute”, Susan said and nodded towards Sebastian. “Who? Sebastian?”, Anna asked and blushed again. “Sebastian…a cute name. I like saying his name…Sebastian”, Susan said in a saucy tone. It’s even better when you scream it, shot through Annas mind and she quickly shook her head to get rid of that inappropriate and certainly not helpful comment by her subconscious.

“Does the word ‘professional’ mean anything to you?”, Anna asked her with a pulled up eyebrow. “Oh, I’m just joking, Anna. You know I’m married”, she said laughing and held her left hand up. “Happily?”, Anna asked, also starting to giggle. “I wouldn’t go that far”, Susan said and the next second both of them had to laugh out loud.

“Hey, hey, ladies having fun and I’m not even close by, how is that possible?”, Anthony Mackie came over to the two. “Aren’t you cute”, Susan said. “Well, I try. You’re not too bad yourself”, Anthony winked at her and gave her his best flirting look. “Ooh, I like that one”, Susan said to Anna. “I like you too, darling”, he said and playfully hugged her. The scene was so weird and funny at the same time that Anna didn’t know what to do expect to laugh.

The photographer interrupted the scene when he called for Anthony and the others for the big group pictures.

All in all, the photo-ops of Annas clients took over 3 hours and she was exhausted just from watching them smile and pose all the time. She released everyone for a late and quick lunch break and told them they would meet back at their dressing room in about 30 minutes.

Anna would use this break to change her clothes. She had to admit she felt uncomfortable being so overdressed, she felt like an outsider since this was already her first comic-themed convention. But first she would need another cup of coffee. The lack of sleep was more and more undeniable but she had to have a clear head to keep control of herself around Sebastian. Seeing him with his fans and his friends and how lovely he was with all of them definitely didn’t make him more appalling.

Anna went over to the catering area that was for the guests and employees only, right next to the employees’ area with all the offices. She just wanted to quickly grab a cup of coffee and head back to Susans office, where her suitcase was, to change her outfit.

In the catering area, they had built a little coffee lounge with a bar and places to sit. She had to wait in line a few minutes before she could place her order. While she waited, out of the corner of her eye, she saw that someone was leaning against the bar. Close enough to make her suspicious but leaving enough space to not draw attention to them. This could only mean one thing.

“What do you want?”, she asked with an annoyed voice, still looking for the barista and mentally begging her to hurry up. She just wanted a few minutes alone, time away from him to gather her thoughts and get back into her normal professional work-self, but it seemed that that would be too much to ask. “Hey beautiful”, Sebastian said with a smirk. “I just wanted to say that I’m really happy to have you as my hostess”, he said and he sounded so sincere that she couldn’t help but look at him, just to check if his facial expression would match his tone. “Oh, thank you, that’s very kind of you”, she said and for a second felt like she was doing him wrong all along.

“If you’ve never been to an event like this, there’s so much we could do…or I could do to you”, he said and during the last part, he spoke with a lower and lusty tone, one eye brow raised. There it was again. Just when she thought they could have a normal, work-related conversation, he pulled out his sex voice. And if someone knew what that sounded like then it was Anna.

“I don’t think there’s much left you didn’t do to me”, she said with a low voice, just so no one would hear them. He looked at her with a playful grin before he leaned over to her ear and whispered, “I didn’t do you from behind…yet”. He then pushed himself off the bar and just walked away. Anna was left with a surprised face. “Your coffee, Miss”, the barista said and ripped Anna out of her shocked state.

“Thank you”, she mumbled, grabbed the cup and with quick steps, walked towards the office area. She shook her head in disbelief of what she had just heard and didn’t watch where she was going. The next moment, a young, short woman with short black hair ran into her and pushed the arm Anna was holding her cup of coffee with towards Annas body. The lit of the cup sprung open and the coffee went all over her dress and shoes. “JESUS CHRIST!”, slipped out of Annas mouth as she felt the liquid drain her dress. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry”, the woman said with big eyes and a shocked expression on her face. Anna shook her arms to get some coffee off her.

“It’s…alright, I was about to go change anyways”, she said looking down on the mess this woman had made. “I’m so sorry, I will pay for dry cleaning”, she said and looked like she was about to cry. “Really, it’s okay, don’t worry about it”, Anna reassured her with her arms stretched out to keep her from coming closer and to calm her down. “It’s alright”, she said and patted her shoulder as she walked away with quick steps and threw the now half empty cup into the next trash can.

“Jesus Christ”, she mumbled with an annoyed huff as she felt the wet dress sticking to her body as she walked. She was glad she was alone in that corridor so she wouldn’t get anymore weird looks than she already did out in the catering area.

Anna reached Susans office and stepped in. Her suitcase was in the back corner and she should have a black blouse somewhere in there she could wear and not look so pretentious with her dress and heels like Melvin pointed out. Just as she wanted to bend down to open her suitcase, she heard the door open and close again. Susan must have seen what had happened out there and wanted to check if she needed anything.

“Hey, I’m alright, I’ll be ready in just a…”, Annas words got stuck in her throat when she saw who was standing in front of the closed door. “Thought you might needed some help unzipping that dress”, Sebastian said with a devilish grin and crossed arms in front of his chest.

“What the hell are you doing here?”, she asked surprised and angry at the same time. “I wanted to see if you’re okay”, he said in a normal voice. “It’s coffee, not the end of the world”, she bluffed at him. “I wanted to change my clothes anyway”, she added in a calmer voice, realizing how paranoid and crazy she sounded. Maybe he really just wanted to check on her.

“Then let me help you with that zipper”, he said with a low voice, licking his lips. Or not, she thought to herself.

“You need to leave, this is the staff area, you’re not supposed to be back here”, she told him. Anna walked up to him to guide him out of the door, but with a quick movement he spun her around and pinned her against the door, her facing towards it. He quickly locked it and put his hand up on either side of her head, caging her in her position.

Anna didn’t dare to say something; the sexual tension in the room could be cut with a knife. She felt how Sebastian slightly pressed himself against her, which caused her to close her eyes for a second to calm her breathing, but it didn’t work. Having him that close again triggered something in her that made her want him more than ever. Thoughts about last night spun around in her head, almost making her moan out lout.

She supported herself with her hands pressed onto the door in front of her. For some reason she didn’t dare to turn around.

Sebastian started to slowly unzip her dress in the back all the way down and peeled if off her shoulders. Anna automatically slipped her arms out of the sleeves, so he pulled it down to her waist.

“Did I tell you that I like your hair better when it’s open…more to hold on to”, he whispered behind her and pulled her hair out of the bun and the hair-tie down. Her long brown hair fell down over her bare back and Anna inhaled loudly. “It came up”, she said with a shaky voice and swallowed hard, remembering how he had let down her hair last night in her hotel room. She hated herself that he made her feel that way…again.

“Do you want me to kiss you?”, he whispered next to her ear, pressing himself against her back. She swallowed hard. “Yes”, she breathed out. “Tell me where you want it?”, he asked. She took a deep breath. “Everywhere”, she whispered and moaned out loud as he pulled her head back at her hair with a tight grip until it dropped onto his shoulder. He then started kissing her shoulder up her neck, licking and biting her skin. She sucked her lower lip into her mouth not to make any sound.

His 3 day scruff scratched her skin lightly and gave her goose-bumps all over her body. She intuitively stuck her ass out and met with Sebastians pelvis. Through the fabric of her dress she could feel that this situation also left some marks on him and that mark was poking her right butt cheek.

“I want you”, she moaned out, not able to control what came out of her mouth. Instead of a witty response, he let his right hand slide from her side over to her stomach and down to where the dress was resting on her hips. He stopped only for a second before he let his hand slide under the fabric of her dress down to the waistband of her panties.

Anna pressed herself further against Sebastian to give him easier access. His fingers slid into her panties and he sighed at her neck as he felt how wet she was. “I can feel how much you want me”, he moaned against her skin. Anna instinctively started to grind against his fingers in her pants.

“Sadly, we have to postpone this. We’re still at work, honey”, he whispered at her shoulder and with a sudden movement, pulled his fingers all the way back. Just as Anna wanted to protest, he bit down on her shoulder and left a bright red mark.

“Now we both have a bite-mark on our shoulders”, he said to her with a wink and the next second was out of the office. Anna was standing there, panting heavily and rubbed over the bitten flesh on her shoulder. She thought back to last night when she had bitten his shoulder when she was coming for the third time that night. She hadn’t even noticed that she had left a mark on him but somehow it made her smile. It was kind of arousing to know that he had something that reminded him of their night together.

After a quick look at the clock on the wall, Anna realized that the lunch break was almost over. This little intermezzo had lasted longer that she had thought. She had no time to think any further about it and quickly changed her coffee drained dress and shoes to her pair of jeans and a black blouse that was maybe showing a bit too much cleavage, but she didn’t have anything else. She also changed to her pair of sneakers because she couldn’t walk another feet on heels.

[soyouareandrewdobson]

Alex ze Pirate “Mini Review” 1: About Male Abuse

Alex ze Pirate is in my opinion the WORST “comic” series Dobson has ever written up until this point (date for archives: June 2020). Sure, I agree with people that his “hot take” comics on Star Wars Fans, political issues and virtue signaling for the sake of making brownie points are worse overall cause they are uneducated propaganda that give insight in how much of a loathsome human being driven by spite he genuinely is, but Alex “offends” me as someone who enjoys fiction. It may not be the worst thing ever written, but it just does so many things wrong in terms of storywriting, storytelling, presentation and creating fictional characters, I can’t help but wonder what went wrong that Dobson even remotely thought this thing would be a “successful” comic series to establish him as a creator. Cause I can tell you, having read the likes of Don Rosa’s work on Disney, Hilda, Cleopatra in Space, Spirou, Asterix, One Piece (of which I will talk a lot in my next few posts) and many more, I can confirm by comparison that Dobson’s pirates as a published comic would have only one use on the public shelves: alternative for toilet paper during the COVID-19 epidemic

 Believe me, I would love to write an in depth analysis of everything wrong with Alex ze Pirate, from the lazy artwork up to even the publication history of this trainwrack. But doing so would take a lot of time and there is one individual part of this I think deserve at least extra attention. Something that in my opinion embodies quite well a lot of things I consider wrong with this comic. So before I am going over Alex in its entirety (and believe me, the day will come) let me just talk within the next few posts about one certain aspect and story of the comic, that genuinely got me to loath this comic to the core: Sam the Cabin Boy and “his” own individual story Dobson drew in three parts around 2010.  

For starters, lets talk who Sam is: Sam is one of the main characters in the comic and actually the first person who joined Alex and Peggy in the initial pages of Legends, the “original” form of Alex ze Pirate.

See, back in 2004, Dobson released Alex ze Pirate in form of a single comic volume called “Legends” which features Alex trying to recruit a crew. The thing is around 78 pages thick and based on what I saw pretty terribly paced. For comparison: When Luffy in One Piece got his crew together, he spend multiple volumes and at least three minor story arcs to get Zoro, Nami, Sanji and Usopp to join him. All while also giving us good insight into the kind of people his new crewmates were (especially Sanji’s and Nami’s backstory got to me), defeating the likes of Buggy and Captain Black, meeting Dracula Mihawk and defeating one of the biggest bastards Eichiro Oda ever created in form of Arlong. What is the story how Sam joins the crew? An orphanage organizes an auction and sells kids off. Which I assume was even illegal in pirate times, so kudos for already showing us how despicable the world of Alex ze Pirate is to begin with and how much it deserves to be nuked in some sort of alien invasion.

 Sam also doesn’t really get anything to do when he is introduced, just helping Alex escape on a small boat. Which is weird because he does not know her at all, she is just some stranger who bought him off and has no means to keep him in check, so why even bother following her and not let the mob get rid of Alex? 

Anyway, I wish I could tell more about Sam’s involvement in Legends, but I don’t have really more than some scans of it in the beginning and near the end. So I don’t know his involvement in the rest of the volume. I also can’t say how he plays out in volume two, because that does not exist at all. Cause for reasons I will never understand, Dobson just abandoned the idea of telling a “coherent” and ongoing story with Alex ze Pirate and instead went to his colored one page comics/strips with it, turning it into what some people called “Garfield with Pirates” (which I consider a genuine insult towards any newspaper comic out there, even something as Boondocks). And the first thing we see of Sam in “classic” Alex ze Pirate?

 The perverted dwarf of the crew showing of his shota underwear so that Alex and Sam stop bickering who is the cutest, leaving him embarrassed and humiliated.

 Which kinda sums up his role in the comic to a t. Cause this is what Sam is: He is the buttmonkey of the crew. And honestly, I would not have a total problem with Sam being a buttmonkey, if a) he wasn’t it all the time, b) he would actually do something to deserve any form of humiliation and c) if the other characters in this comic itself would not be some of the biggest assholes I have ever seen, who get away with abusing the poor lad.

 See, here is the problem: In a crew featuring a choleric homophobic soulless ginger

 A black rat person who wants to fuck the ginger even without her consent

 A furry abomination that has the same brain wavelengths as Chris Chan 

And a perverted dwarf who tries to impersonate Happosai from Ranma 1/2

 Sam is the only decent person in the entire crew. He works hard, he even questions the morality of his friends at times, he is honest, he is not perverted, almost good to the point of childish innocence and he has a very humble “goal” which is he wants to own his own piece of gold. Not even a big pile of treasure, just one single coin would be enough for him.

 So he is likeable and relatable. In fact, if anything goes by, he may have been one of the most popular ones in the comic. And yet he is the one who gets constantly abused by “fate” and his friends, because as Dobson would say it, he is supposed to be the buttmonkey. There is just one problem: People do not necessarily like buttmonkeys.

I can primarily speak only for myself here, but I hope what I have to say resonates with others too. See, I get it: A character who is the butt of a joke can be fun. Like Daffy in Duck Amuck. But there is a fine line where a character being humiliated for the sake of a joke is fun (and perhaps even deserved because of his own shortcomings or deeds/actions that make the humiliation sort of kharmic, like lets say Johnny Bravo) and a character being humiliated to the point it feels disproportional, unfunny and mean spirited if not outright sadistic, can be crossed. Take Meg Griffin from Family Guy for example whose only “purpose” for existing within the last 12+ years is to get shat on by her family and the writers. People have no idea for a plot with her, so what do they do? Have her father physically and emotionally abuse her, fart in her face for what is supposed to count as a joke and then add additional insult to it by acknowledging that they are only doing this, because they have no other idea for her and think abuse is fun. Let me just tell you from experience, it is not.

And that is essentially what Sam is: He is the Meg Griffin of Alex ze Pirate, used by his creator as the butt of very unfunny jokes, even if he does not deserve any of the things said or done to him. Want to see some examples?

 How about the description Dobson gives Sam within the introduction of one of his volumes, showing how little Dobson as the creator even cares for him.

Why is he called an unworthy “slob” if he is the only one who actually works? Shouldn’t a slob be someone like Dobson, who can’t even take care of himself anymore? Also the confirmation that he was kidnapped at the age of 16. And as we have no clarification how much time passed between Legends Vol. 1 and anything afterwards, that means that in a way Alex is a child abuser.

And now, here some examples by the rest of the cast. Like Uncle Peggy framing him for all sorts of his perverted actions and even trying to kill him for no apparent reason?

Alex trying to kill him with chicken pox…

…Destroying all his worldly posessions which is hilarious because he is a poor orphan…

…Essentially describing him as worthless because he was born with an Y-chromosome…

… doing the kind of thing Dobson claims women would never do to man, using their sex appeal to hurt them…

…forcing him to do some unnecessary and rather petty work for her in a physics defying manner (seriously, the way he holds the axe does not compute with how he swings it. Try it out yourself)

… stealing his food and just being a cruel sadistic cunt to him just because it is fun.

Which is “funny” in so far as that there are a few comics indicating she would jump his dick and ride it like a little pony if she could.

 By the way, Talus and Atea are not better. None of them calls Alex out on her bullshit on average, Atea uses Sam to trigger traps in one story arc…

And Talus, the closest to a “friend” he is supposed to have, once for no apparent reason made him dig through his litterbox

And don’t get me even started when the characters decide to gang up on Sam, to the point he gets sexually harassedor is called to be less worth as a human being than the dirt you find in your belly button

Fuck’s sake, even in fanart everyone gangs up on him, even the freaking big bad of the story everyone is supposed to hate or be afraid of

 Bottom line, Sam is an abuse victim played for laughs in this comics. And just to clarify, I do not think this was Dobson’s intention. But if the character is undeservingly the butt of jokes for the majority of over 120 strips, it turns nasty. The way Sam is treated, I just find disgusting and indictive of just how unlikable any other character in this comic is to the point I do not want to see this being turned into a proper “franchise”. And I assume others were disgusted by it too, cause Dobson eventually decided to make a story more or less addressing the treatment Sam receives, while also attempting to prove that deep down the assholes with starring roles in this trainwrack care for him. How did this play out? Well, I am going to talk about it, so likely not well. If you want to see the details, grab yourself some popcorn and take a toilet break before we tackle part 2 of this thing.

[shaydeoffical]

Bright as a Diamond. Hitoshi Shinsou x Fem Reader: Chapter Six

Warnings: Violence, Stalker, Drugged, Reader Injury, Blood

Series Summary:  When (Y/N)’s co-worker decided to send a picture of her making a diamond to the paper, her life was over. Gemstone based quirks weren’t all that rare, but being able to make a diamond put a target on her back. After years of hiding in the city, it’s time to hide in the countryside with her Uncle Shota Aizawa and his more than ‘roommate’ Hizashi Yamada. With the promise of training her to be self-sufficient, she’s ready to learn.

Chapter Summary: (Y/n) goes into town to meet up with her co-worker, but things do not go to plan.

Chapter Five: here or https://ambershaydeoffical.tumblr.com/post/612522066443436032/bright-as-a-diamond-hitoshi-shinsou-x-fem-reader

Chapter Seven: Seven. (I finally figured out the hyperlink)

Chapter Six

This Day was Going to be Perfect

   My morning bike ride had been refreshing. I had a chance to watch the sunrise, then make it to a café for breakfast. With my cat backpack from grade school, as the only purse I could find, I had my money tucked away safely. I looked ridiculous, but I wasn't trying to impress anyone. This was just two buds hanging out and mending the past. There was nothing for me to worry about, least of all my appearance.

   With my bike firmly chained to the gate, I ducked inside the quite cafe. The lobby wasn't super busy, and I found a booth to rest in while I prepared myself for the week. With my pastry and hot chocolate, I began reading over the requirements for my next project. School had been on the back burner for far too long, and it was time I try to get ahead.

        Taking a long swig of my hot cocoa, I choked it down. What shocked me wasn't the temperature, but Kira plopping down on the other side of my booth. I was supposed to see his apartment later in the day, but this wasn't planned. Damn it.

   "Good morning," he sang, holding two cups of coffee. "I say you drank yours, so I got us both one. You seem like a sweet girl, so I made sure there was extra sugar for you." He pushed one cup towards me, then pushed his long black hair back. His sullen eyes glancing at my bruised knuckles.  

   "Umm, good morning." I nursed my half-full hot chocolate and put my phone away. "My drink is still good, thanks though."

   "Oh nonsense, I paid for the premium blend." He pushed the cup to my side of the table. Leaning his elbows on the table, he propped his head on his hands and cocked it to the side. Waiting for me to drink.

   "Not a coffee girl," I admitted pushing it back, looking at my textbook. Maybe I could multi-task. "What are you doing here?"

   "Oh, this is my go-to shop." He pushed the cup across to my side. "What has you here so early, princess?" A shudder went down my spine.

   "Just studying." I pulled out my phone, trying to act unfazed. He was just trying to be nice. Stay calm, you have to work together, and he has always been odd.  

   "It's a good thing I ran into you; we can spend the morning together too." He sipped his own coffee, spitting some back out. His thin brows knitted together before he giggled. "Hot"

   "I really have to focus on this assignment, so t-" Pointing to my next book, he smacked his hands against the table.

   "Wait, there's this super cool comic book store down the street you'd love." He grabs my hands and pulls me up.  I grab my cup and he takes his, pulling us out of the café.

   He tugged me down the street like an excited child. He had lived in the city center and knew it better than me on any good day. The shop he had taken me two was filled with hero merch. Ground Zero, Deku, Allmight, Urvaity, Froppy, Chargebolt littered the walls and aisles.

   "You like that Eraser guy right, they have some vintage posters in the back." Never letting go of my hand, he caught the eye of several people. Some gushing at the cute couple, it made me want to peel back my skin and scurry home. "Here, I'll get whatever you want."  

   Tuning him out for a moment, I saw a small pin set on sale. It was the debut merch for Shinso. His little mask covering most of his face. I picked it up and turned it over to read the back. It was snatched from my hand before I could see the details.

   "He's a little too young for you to be fawning over." Kira sat it back on the shelf, taking my coffee cup, and placing a Midnight plushie in my hand. "You and Midnight have a lot in common. Beautiful, full-figured, and fierce."

   "I think you confuse curvy and full-figured. She's just blessed with a rocking body." I sat the plushie back down, now insecure of my outfit. It was just a long sleeve dorky otter tee shirt, a loose denim mini skirt with a peplum bottom, and some black legging. But I wished I had a sweater on and some jogging pants. I didn't dress like it was a date, but the way Kira's eyes wandered over my form, I felt exposed. This wasn't a date, why was he acting like this?

   "Oi, you're that girl," a shopkeeper came over and looked me up and down. "The one who can make crystals." With those words, the situation got that much worse.

   "You're got the wor-"

   "She is. Why ya want to know." Kira slung an arm around my shoulder, and I froze. He squeezed me to his side and shaking me a bit.

   "He's got it all wrong, I- I get confused for her a lot, but that's not me."I tried to smooth it over to no avail.

   "She makes the best gems in the world. The only known diamond crafter to be born." Kira grinned like a cat, sliding his hand down my back, dangerously close to my ass.    

   "I'm not her."

   "Can you make a replicate of kryptonite for me?" The boy asked, grabbing a comic like I didn't know Superman. "Like its green and glows. See, it's an organic shape or can you only do fancy shapes."

   "She can, but she doesn't make freebies." Kira kept talking for me, blood rushing through my ears. "Depending on the size, quality, and time frame, we'll need compensation." We? I stomped Kira's foot, and he lost his grip. Darting out of the store and back up the street, I paused, forgetting where I left my bike. I downed the rest of my drink but coughed, realizing it was Kira's coffee. Being a good citizen, I tossed it in the trash and went back on my way. What a fucking bastard.

   "(Y/n), please wait. Come on, I didn't mean to make you mad." He blocked my path and held up his hands. "Your quirk makes you special. You should get some perks for it. I was about to score us some free merch."

   "I don't want free stuff, I want to be safe. People knowing that I can do that sort of stuff makes my life harder." I snapped, crossing my arms, staying vague as possible for people on the street.

   "I like you," He blurts, reaching out to touch my cheek. "If we were together, I could protect you. I have a powerful quirk." His fingers turned to razor blades, and he pointed them at me. "Look at how special I am. No one would ever touch you with me around." He fisted the air, trying to show off.

   "Listen, I don't want a relationship right now." I pulled out my phone and sent my location to Shota, with a danger symbol. After I hit send, my phone was knocked to the ground.

   "Look at me." He grabbed my hand and dragged me into the alley. The urge to run coursed through me, but I couldn't do it. He was my work friend. He was frazzled and may be unstable, I had to play my cards right. "Good girl," he held my head up, the blade just under my chin.

   "I don't like you like that. Listen, let's pretend this didn't happen, and we go back to work like normal." I slurred my words, holding to the wall for support. "You need to let me go." An exhaustive fog spread over my body.

   "Make me one of your diamonds." He ran his blade down my throat, resting at the edge of my shirt. "Make it one of a kind, like our love."

   "I won't." My knees gave out, and he shoved his knee between my legs, but he wasn't strong enough to catch me. My knees busted against the concrete. "What- what's happening to me…"

   "You're sick, you need to rest darling." Kira returned his fingers to normal. Resting them against my chin, pushing my hair back. "Make me a diamond, and we can go home."

   "Fuck off," shoving his hands away, I clamored to my feet and staggered towards the street.

   "Wrong answer," his blades were on my throat again, he had his face buried in my hair. "Come on, walk with me."    

   "Stop-p it," I couldn't keep myself together, bending with his will, I followed him deeper into the alley. Small nicks against my skin. "Le-tt go."'    

   "You're almost home now." He purred. "We'll have a room of diamonds, you can display your best for me. You can cook and clean for me as thanks."

   "No," Stomping his foot again, I lurched forward when his hand went back. He cut my forehead while grasping for me. "Help." This time Kira pulled me up by my hair, a scream erupting from my throat.

        "Shh, darling," he cooed in my ear.

   "Who do you think you are?" A new voice entered the alley. Kira froze in his place and let me down, so my hair was slack again.

   "Shinso," my vision was blurry, but I could see his purple mop.  I reached out for his form, and a finger went across my arm. A searing pain throbbed over my body, but I refused to scream. I nursed my wound, trying to stop the bleeding. My eyes pleading for Shinso to save me.

   "Answer me, asshole," Shinso remained calm, walking closer. He wouldn't look at me, but I knew he was a pro that these situations. Even if this went down poorly, we'd be okay. Shinso was a pro, and I was banking on that training.

   "You're mine," the blades were resting on my throat. Kira was whispering in my ear. He jerked me up by hair again. Hot tears streaked my face as I tried to stay awake. The haze was starting to block out the sun.

   "What do you think you're doing with (Y/n)?" Shinso's voice was louder this time. He wouldn't let me die. He was a hero.

   "Let me go, Kira," I whispered, unable to keep my head up, dangerously close to falling on his sharp hand. "Shinso, please…"

   "Speak up, coward!" Shinso growled, tossing a rock at Kira.

   "She's m-"

   "Deactivate your quirk," Shinso ordered, and Kira retracted his blades. "Let her go. Then walk to the police station and turn yourself in."

   Crashing to the asphalt, I tried to stay upright but failed. Landing in my own blood. "Shinso?" I whimpered, closing my eyes. Kira hoovered over me a few moments.

   "Walk to the police station." Shinso spat, and this time he went.

   "Hitoshi?" I pulled my sticky arm from my chest and held my head up. Everything was spinning so fast.  

   "I'm right here." His boots crunched the earth; it sounded so much louder than the blood rushing in my ears. His shirt ripping echoed through the alley, and the fabric was tired around my arm. My body being pulled upright.

   "I don't feel right. I can't focus." His chest was so warm as he pulled me in his arms. He was more robust than I expected, so strong.

   "Did he offer you a drink? Could he have slipped you something?" Lips right by my ear, whispering. His fingers tied things over my injuries and worked to apply first aid.

   "Coffee," I was scooped up and carted back to the street. Was he always so strong? "I thought he was just kind of weird. I didn't t-" I shut down, ashamed it happened.

   "It's going to be okay. You did nothing wrong. " I could see his car hazard light still going, parked right in front of the café. He fumbled for his car keys and sat me in the passenger side. Buckling me in, then glancing around the street.

   "Don't leave me, Hitoshi." I clenched his shirt when he tried to go back to the driver's side.

   "I won't. I promise."

[madmadmilk]

girl will u be sharing the whole meeting tom experience like what did he say what did he smell like i know very creepy but IM SO CURIOUS HDHDHDH

OKAY, STORY-TIME ––> long read with reaction pics

first thing, WOW. he had a crazy, crazy, crazy long-ass schedule. he was in LA saturday, and philly on sunday by 9 AM? probably? then i knew his projected schedule was panel from 10-10:45, 11pm photo op, 1 pm autograph, 3 pm photo op, 4 pm autograph. totally stacked! i signed up for the photos at 3 cos that’s easier for me….

little did i know… how long it would take……………….…

so, his whole schedule got pushed like an hour-ish back? like no real consequence to me, but it made me feel really anxious and just like, whew, thinking that he kept a smile on for like hours & hours. and all i could think of was that i hope he had like an iced coffee or like food or something cos that’s CRAZY. but yeah–––– i got to pass the time with some tumblr friends :) ( @spidey-waffles11 & @seamless-hart ) and my boyfriend but he’s whatever 😛

but OK time rolls up (4:50 PM), i get in line–– and i’m there for SO LONG. but it was ok cos i was talking to this dad & daughter and they were really nice. there were some like super  young girls behind me and they had like cute matching spider-man shirts but i was still looking at them like 🙂 . a part of me felt really extra cos i was really out there with false lashes and a BRIGHT RED dress. for reference, i looked like this:

cute, i know. this is my armor, and even tho a part of me felt kinda flashy and garrish…. i don’t care! it makes me feel CONFIDENT! but yeah–– do, do, do~ we get through the line, drop off our bags and i feel like we went through a mini-maze of black curtains and then––

HE WAS FUCKING RIGHT THERE THROUGH THE OPEN DOORWAY! i like turned the corner, and was kinda looking to my side at the lady directing and then to the family in front of me–– and then he was there. idk what i expected but i was just like 😦

ok, ok, ok so i think maybe he was looking up to see how many people were next but i’m going to just sit here and believe that MY RED-ASS DRESS caught his eye cos he literally:

looked at ME, then to the family in front of me as they came to him, but back at me as i walked over to wait. he raised his eyebrows and i smiled back and like, i think he looked at my hand cos i was like holding my wrist cos i was like, “oohhhh shit how the fuck do i stand like a regular person” but yeah either way it was like a back and forth–– that i’m probably romanticizing ALL HELL out of. but i was watching him so-– I SAW WHAT I SAW lol. 

and then the family left and i still waited cos i’m polite like that and then he like waved his arm for me to come over and i was like 😧. then i think i literally hopped over and like rolled my shoulders back cos yeah and i smiled soooo hard and i think all i managed to say was , “heeey” 

“hi! hello––” he waves me over again and i slide next to him while laughing. 

i’m pretty sure i bit my fucking lip and like... no, no one does that in real life. god dammit.

“how are you?” i TRY to ask in a exasperated voice

and i think he just said, “yeah” (cos we were moving really fast it’s ok) and looked forward lmao

but i like was able to look at his face and i was literally like 😫 . what bb cream are you using sis???? it was too fast, i didn’t really absorb anything haha. but wow his lips really look like that i guess haha and i really fit into his side, like alright bro. this is where i belong i guess.

and cos of the time crunch of being super, super late i didn’t really get to talk to him cos it was just like photo time. i didn’t have a pose in mind, i just wanted to be WITH him that’s it.

so i put my hand around his waist and wow he’s lean! and he carries himself super tall, if that makes sense. he stands up pretty straight? but relaxed at the same time? and i think his hand was like on my upper back, near my shoulder but TBH i don’t KNOW. i just felt him press next to me. 

uh, everyone keeps asking me what he smells like but i’m pretty sure i didn’t breathe until he let go. and then i was like, “ ah, soap. “

but after the flash of the photo i like turned to him and jfc i was really close. i’m kinda used to standing that close cos my bf is that height but 😬 . he smiled at me and just quickly said.

“hi, thank you so much for coming out.” 

and i was like, “no, thank you!” and he kinda guided my back to the direction of the exit and i was like 😣 and i think???? i called back to say, “take care!” but maybe that was just my brain idk

but then?????? he walked next to me for a second? like we walked to the exit together and i was like??????? like there people in the corner i was passing, and he stopped by them. i looked at him again and he smiled and nodded at me.

this was me: 👀

hahahah and then he grabbed a water bottle someone offered to him and i heard him say,

“can you get my bag..? and grab my air pods”

and i like audibly laughed as i left, idk why that was just so funny to me. like there you go rich king. good! for! you!

and WOW. the family from before waited for me and they were like, “how was it?”

hahah and it was so lame cos i was suddenly BLUSHING so fucking hard like 30 seconds after it all happened hahahahahahahah ok but i couldn’t stop thinking about how he like looked at me in the doorway, and even if it doesn’t mean anything imma never let it go hahaha

anyway, he was really nice and his voice was still so excited and lively even tho he’s probably talked to like thousands of people that day. like his charisma was super charming in all of the 20 seconds i really saw him.

lol this is how the photo turned out:

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? i’m really haaaaappy with it! i’m kinda smiling too hard but lol THAT’S TOM FUCKING HOLLAND AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

so ya know, idk if i’ll ever see him like ever again? or if i’ll still always be into him as i have been but–– wow. what an experience to have with the way i am now. hope he’s getting a good night’s rest, and lots of warm hugs from his loved ones! thanks tom! thanks keystone comic con! and thank YOU GUYS for holding me together! 💛

[iguessishouldbethankful]

Sly Cooper 1 Review:

As in, I recently completed the game and since I was asked to, I will give my review on it. I’m a little nervous because this is the first time I’m doing this, so hopefully I’ll get this right.

KEEP IN MIND: I did not grow up with this series, and I am going in after @oroanillado gifted me the entire series for the PS3. I am a new fan who basically grew up on Nintendo products, so my views might come off differently.

ALSO: SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Onto the review.

0. Initial Reaction:::::::::::::::::::::::::

I was pretty surprised how the game collection required no download or installation. So that was a good little bonus as I could immediately sit down and play it without much of a wait. As for the starting point on top of the roof... lemmie say that Sly is adorable at first glance. His movements are fluid and it’s very satisfying to control him--especially the fact that he has a bass sound to his steps that is beyond addictive. I love it.

Not to mention the music is nice. Not exactly as memorable, but I can listen to it and it does give the area a feel.

And then Bentley opened his mouth. Whew boy. Okay. Rok heard my live commentary every time he opened his mouth, so it’ll be a theme. It wasn’t that bad at first though so it’s mostly me wanting to explore the Police Station. It’s mostly a tutorial level so it’s nothing impressive, just giving the feels.

When Carmelita showed up, like expected, I was stunned by two things: she owns an extra fancy taser gun, and that slow as fuck taser gun is able to cause the destruction of public and private property as a massive scale. Ma’am, can we talk? Can you not blow up the cars?? LADY-

As for the comic style animation? Yes, perfect. I was looking forward to it and was not disappointed. I love the cartoony look it gives to the whole world. Which is something else I noticed--the feel and look of the game is very much like the love child of Banjo Kazooie and Psychonauts. The colors and collectathon.

Also the character motivations for Sly, Bentley and Murray are believable. All are orphans, and Sly saw his family get killed but the bad guys and the family book of thieves stolen. Carmelita? Eh, wish I had more context to her but good cop trying to catch the robber is good enough.

Note: I had no idea Carmelita was actually someone that worked for Interpol. My dumbass thought she was just a French cop. The more you know.

As for the hub safehouse area, it’s simple and direct to the point.

Okay. We good? Now onto the levels.

1. Tide of Terror:::::::::::::::::::

Sly dies in one shot.

Sly dies in one shot.

Sly dies in one shot.

No. This was okay. I was determined to find out how I could get around this. I explored the initial open area, collecting the coins and trying to get the bottles because I knew that the point of the games was to collect all pages, right? So I needed the bottles to get the clues so Bentley could give me the code. Thing is, I ran into a few problems on the get go. BESIDES SLY BEING A ONE HIT WONDERBOY.

I didn’t know I could pimp whack enemies with the cane. So I see this walrus looking mofo just hammering away on a boat and I’m like... How do I not aggro this dude. Keep to myself, reach areas I new I could jump to, and... OH FUCK THERE ARE BOTTLES ON THAT BOAT GOD DAMN IT! Fine. Let’s sneak in. By sneak I mean run around the walrus and realize that the guy just sees me and hammers harder. What? Okay then he doesn’t chase me. Get the bottles, realize after 5 minutes that Sly’s pimp ass cane can in fact obliterate the ship’s pole to get the last bottle, before trying to confront the walrus.

So I died the first time. Then I smacked him. You know, for a one hit wonder as Sly is, I appreciate that the enemies are the same as well. That balanced everything out and not made it a colorful furry version of Dark Souls. So off I go. Up the ladder and jumping right into the second area where there are search lights. I’m like okay, let me go around these and--

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE ROSE BUSH KILLED SLY?!

GOD DAMN IT!!

Yes, a lot of this happened. It has been a while since I played a colorful game like this and I a lot of this is simple designing that is obvious, but I am also someone that enjoys finding other ways to get around them. So many choices in the game seems nonsensical. A raccoon unable to brush by some thorn bushes was rather hilarious. I was basically fussing at full volume while Rok was laughing at me. Which was good, I meant to be hilarious.

I discovered the wonders that were the search lights and that they are easily turned off in the small sections. That I could in fact dodge most attacks from the minor enemy characters. Realized that this damn raccoon cannot swim to save his damn life. LITERALLY.

kjsdbkjsd And then I realized that I was missing quite a few bottles once I got to the end. I was frustrated. I wanted to get them all already. So I went back and tried figuring out how to get them and I SWEAR TO GOD I CANNOT EVEN LOOK AT THE SAFE WITHOUT BENTLEY GOING “YOU DON’T HAVE THE BOTTLES NEEDED TO OPEN IT U-”

Bro. Bro I know. Bro please.

Shut the fuck up.

Got the bottles and moved on. Found out that I absolutely adore Sly being in a barrel and wanted to take that barrel with me everywhere but I couldn’t. Realized that Sly puts come paper cuts outs of his emblem in opened up safes and--can we talk about this? Does Sly just sit in his room with colored craft paper and cuts these out every night? Does he redo them if one comes out funky? Does he get glittery paper or is it like the kiddy kind? Does he do them in the van? Is it with scissors or an x-acto knife?! How do you make these bro you don’t simply walk into a FedEx’s Kinkos to print these out!

Anyway, I’m learning more tricks as I go along, getting all of the keys and bottles and I do go back to each stage to get all of the damn bottles because I am not leaving one behind because I really want all of the pages. I am also seeing all of the death animations Sly does and honestly, the humor in each of them is not lost on me at all. I adore them. The first time I saw him just realizing he’s gonna fall to his death and he just-

I busted laughing so hard and Rok got to hear me lmao oh my god-- But for real, most of his death animations are strangely adorable in my opinion. Especially when he just falls and his little leg twitches. They never made animations like that for other games I played so far (not even for Banjo Kazooie). And the lightness of everything makes it less frustration in my opinion. As though I had no problem if Sly died along the way. Whereas I would get way more frustrated with how Mario or Banjo would die.

Anyway those are my tidbits. But lemmie tell you something.Once I got to the last stage where I needed to get the 7 keys to access the final boss? There’s a treasure chest with crabs mini games.

FUCK. THAT. GAME.

The only reason I got through it was because I’m stubborn and I distracted my frustrations in my chat with Rok as I had this damn raccoon swim around in a submarine, killing about 100 crustaceans just for 40 chests!! 40! Not a normal number like 20 or 25. No. 40. That drove me nuts for some reason.

Anyway, finally got to the final boss after I collected all the horseshoes and lives around the main hub of the level, and then yeeted Sly from the canon ALA Wind Waker style.

Raleigh is freaking gross. Not in voice, but his animation made me feel really nasty with looking at him, which in my opinion was a good visual design and motivator to get rid of him faster. It was also easy to sort of find out what the boss fight was requiring from me in the end--making it so much easier as well. I guess for a kid it’s a bit more difficult and I can understand that. I just enjoyed the fights for having a repetitive nature that was satisfying. Like even if I died many times, the game didn’t throw me all the way out of the level at all. It restarted the fight from the beginning and that, to me, was a good way to introduce me to the entire function of a Sly Cooper 1 boss fight.

I felt happy when I defeated Raleigh. And of course, Sly isn’t a “killer” so froggo dude is still alive, just in prison after “HOT LATIN FOX LADY” caught him. Of course. Can someone tell me where Carmelita is from? Is she Spanish or Mexican or..? Like was that defined by the games or was it thrown up in the air?

Anyway, onto the next level.

2. Sunset Snake Eyes:::::::::::::::::::::

Lemmie just say that I actually enjoyed Mugshot’s backstory? It made me feel really sympathetic towards him in a way.... Despite him being a murderer but you know. It was a nice touch.

Okay so, are any of you familiar with the whole “Mickey Mouse is taking his dog Pluto for a walk” dilemma? Well, I had a moment like that as well in this section. Why? Because Mugshot has feral dogs all over his turf and that messes me up a lot for some reason. Like I always wondered how, evolutionary wise, can an anthro dog and a feral dog look so similar? I had a moment like that as well when reading Farewell, Beloved Falco. There was a feral pig in that comic and it bother the fuck out of me. But it didn’t impede me from playing the game.

The look was very much classical American desert wasteland in the middle of nowhere. Possibly southwest USA if I were to guess, and I liked the feel of the casinos and run down RVs, trailers and cars. However it made me question why this place was a junkyard almost if he kinda has a functioning casino. For Raleigh I could understand because it was a hideout, you do what you can right? Even if you have a fucking floating metal blimp over your hideout, like that won’t catch military attention at all, nooooooo--

But like, an abandoned casino suggests that it was once owned by the mafia or a mob, and just--Okay. Police regulations and gun control. Etc etc, I’m rambling on about things that have nothing to do with the game. Back to the design.

Again, collecting all the bottles like a desperate AA member that needs a hit for old times sake and running back to open up the safe. Can I just say that the names of each Cooper ancestor is rather amusing? Like some have the most dumb but adorable names. Huckleberry Cooper jfc--

And once I got into the main hub, I got my first taste of the “Murray can’t think without his stomach thus gets himself in trouble and needs to race his Moon Rover turned into a Van to win one of the keys” mini game and “Bentley told me I gotta keep you alive as you run through this area full of trigger happy criminals, Murray, plEASE STOP RUNNING IN FRONT OF MY BULLETS MURRAY-” mini game. Nice. Not as bad as the 40 treasure chests crabs.

Also, why would Mugshot or his minions just leave a red sports car running on reverse for days on end?? Anyway.

The inside of the casino was a nice section to play ngl. I enjoyed that a lot. The platforming too, despite some of the bottles being utterly difficult to get without having to die and do the entire section again to get them. And then comes the level when Carmelita decides to destroy private property because she’s after this dumbass raccoon. I wonder how she felt seeing him jump around back and forth breaking bottles and dodging her SLOW AS FUCK TASER GUN.

“Could you stand still?!”

“Nope. Not my fault you couldn’t get a license for a firearm.”

Finally I got to the Mugshot boss fight and like the first one, it was a very satisfying fight. Mugshot had me in stitches because he walked around with his long ass arms instead of his legs at first like lmao! Also once I got to the final third stage, I was all cautious and excite to jump around the wires. Yessss.

Defeated, all bottles collected, Carmelita caught this villain as well, and off we go... stealing shit from the USA before coming back to the Safehouse? Alrighty then.

3. Vicious Voodoo:::::::::::::::

Let me tell you something about myself. I have an intense love for Voodoo in video games. Started with Gabriel Knight: Sins of the Father, Princess and the Frog and I had an intense call back to one of the swamp areas of Banjo Kazooie in this level.

So basically, this is my favorite level.

I think it’s also the level where I argued the most with Bentley as well. Or at least the second one because, since the very first game, he keeps repeating the same obvious commands all the time with a constant reminder of press the O button. Sly? Sly?? SLY! PRESS THE O BUTTON! Bentley? You’re cute, but you gotta stop my dude.

The sliding effect on the long branches was a lot of fun, the tree enemies that had more than one hit kills were also satisfying to beat the shit out of. I also enjoyed the general murky color of the level in general. Just the spooky was definitely my aesthetic. You know what wasn’t my aesthetic? The first mini game I ran into, which was the candle mini game where Bentley would repeat himself all the time right at the start of if you had to restart the level. I muted the entire thing and had Sly mindlessly killing the fishes to turn on the candles while blabbing to Rok on the phone so it was easier for me not to get nervous about the time limit or the amount of candles I had to turn on. It was the same thing with the Chicken Gumbo mini game, but I didn’t mute that one. Because Bentley stayed quiet.

Also, @oroanillado​ is the biggest troll. I was on the beast section of the game and they did not describe to me what it was like. So I’m honestly not expecting much at all, just wanted to grab my bottles and go. Once I’m halfway though, and I already saw the water moving around I’m having Amnesia the Dark Descent flashbacks like OH SHIT OH FUK O Shi- But no. No. What got to me was... This intensely huge serpent coming out of the water and chasing me and my camera kept pointing BACK instead of pointing forward so I could navigate Sly out of that mess while also getting the fucking bottles along the way!!

I was shrieking!! I have an acute fear of things that are larger than normal (it’s connected to my Agoraphobia). I have that with whales and sharks and fish, so I usually avoid big mobs if possible in any game. Yes, including the 3 mythical dragons from Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. @thekursedone-lylat​ was present when I was freaking out about saving Naydra and how huge it was. But at the same time I have a big fear of these sorts of creatures, I was laughing and cursing at the end of the level because honestly, Rok was having a good time and so was I.

Oh yes, also the other mini game where I had to navigate the same speed boat thingy and shoot down the on coming ghosts and flaming rocks was pretty annoying until I figured out I needed to destroy the pillars where the ghosts came from. Then it was easy.

But my absolute favorite section of this whole level was the Green Water Full of Body Parts and Bones. Bentley was losing his shit at the beginning of the level and I would accidentally yeet Sly into the water of decomposing bodies like yeah, yeah the turtle won’t like the smell of this. It was just a well designed level, so I had no problems having to redo it to get all the bottles again and again.

Now, the boss fight? I was warned about this ahead of time so I had to unfortunately put Mz. Ruby on mute so I would concentrate on her attacks but apparently they were supposed to go with the rhythm of the song and the Sly Cooper Collection messed that up? I think she was the only Boss I was really wanting to listen to as she talked because she was giving me good “yeah I’m bad, probably not the best one in the group, but I don’t care I’mma own up to it so try to dodge my attacks as best you can” vibes. It was also entertaining to see Sly go Neo with some of the commands.

All bottles collected and onto Winter in China.

4. Fire in the Sky::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Oh hey look, fireworks!

.....oh.

Surprisingly, this entire stage was rather meh to me? It worked like the others, felt like the others, but I really wasn’t as wowed by it. It might also be just the fact that I mostly saw white in general due to the snow, and spent most of my time looking for a few bottles on one section that really irritated me. Like I legitimately got mad in one section and didn’t want to deal with it because of the noises some of the monkeys were making.

This section. I hated it so much because I thought the bottles I was missing were in here and 2 of them were but I needed hints for it. Argh... Everything else in this section was pretty much a blur for me besides the two mini games with Murray, and the one level where Carmlita came back again, destroying more private and ancient property with her taser gun--and the main reason I remember this was because:

Carmelita saying she was going to catch criminal scum Sly and Sly just went “you really need to get woke, I’m not the bad guy here.”

I collected all the bottles but Bentley told me I had to defeat Clockwerk before I could open this damn safe, and it was the only one requiring this!!

Carmelita went down with the dragon statue, into the hypothermia levels of cold water while shaking her fist into the sky.

I will say the part of Sly and Bentley discussing the whole mechanics of Sly taking the rockets into Panda’s lair was pretty funny tho. Just,

Bentley: Hey you might be able to reach the top of the tower before these explode.

Sly: Okay but what if they explode before I get there?

Bentley: Then I guess you’ll blow up into many pieces.

Sly:

As for the Panda King boss fight, it was okay. I just kept running in circles around the arena while approaching the dude. Defeated him and was like okay, I really need to go and defeat Clockwerk now so I can open that safe.

5. The Cold Heart of Hate:::::::::::::::::::

Look.

I get Sly probably weighs next to nothing, Murray, but could you at least break once Sly gets knocked off the top of the van? Or when the rocks are falling down towards us, maybe also step on the breaks so not everyone is being driven to their ultimate death?

No?

Okay.

I will say, I headcanon that both Bentley and Sly were getting an intense case of whiplash when Murray was driving that van around at 120 MPH collecting all 60 computers because... Bentley needed those to hack into something??? It wasn’t as bad as the 40 crabs and treasure chests but man. And then of course there’s the section where, oh surprise surprise, Carmelita is in an obvious trap, slamming her fist on the glass, needing to be saved. Bentley warned Sly it was a trap. But of course Sly is like:

OH THANK GOD THE BARREL IS BACK.

Anyway, obvious trap is an obvious trap. Carm just bitches at Sly right as he gets stuck in the glass chamber and is sprayed with RAID. So Bentley has to save his ass. This is possibly the mini game I dislike the most. I just put Bentley on constantly circling mode as he shot down the targets.I died about 9000 times before I won.

Carmen is all Oh I was wrong about you the whole time Sly!

Sly: Duh.

And off we go to the next section where Sly lost his cane and he needs to recover it with Carm’s help. So I’m controlling Carm’s taser gun. Guess how many times I purposefully killed Sly? Many. For funsies. Because the gun magically got faster once I was behind the trigger.

Next section was the whole climb up the beam tower as it’s being consumed by lava! I very much enjoyed this whole climbing bit. It was fun. Again, died a lot and I actually glitched through the walls because I jumped somewhere I wasn’t supposed to and had to kill Sly along the way. But still very fun.

FINALLY.

CLOCKWERK.

Are we serious? Are we actually serious right now? Clockwerk had absolutely no motivation beyond ultimate hate? WHAT?! That’s just... not a satisfying reason ngl. Anyway, the jetpack flying section was probably the easiest thing ever and I loved it. What I didn’t like was the laser section that came after it... I kept dying. Again. FUCK. THOSE. LASERS.

Clockwerk speaking random little words while malfunctioning was super cute those. I don’t why, but I loved it. I was shrieking by the end of everything though because once I got right at the back end, where I’m supposed to jump on this mad owl, I was not expecting the head to jump on me. HHHHHHH!!!

Anyway, I killed Clockwerk dead. Back into the lava you go. Witnessed Sly give Carmelita the slip of the tongue and handcuffed her onto a railing over an active volcano before yeeting himself. Classy. Then back to his old tricks again with the gang. End credits.

NO WAIT.

The last chest. In the Panda section. Yeah I went back for that and got the extra ending.

0. MY RATING::::::::::::::::::::

Honestly, 8 trashcans out of 10. If Clockwerk actually had a believable motive besides hate, I’d give it a higher rating. But the game is satisfying and I love the mechanics of it.

Bentley just needs to chill the fuck up tho. God.

[crepuscular-gloom]

Poptropica Island Ratings

okay I saw a post on here a while ago and someone rated the Poptropica islands. I remember agreeing with a lot of them, but they only went so far so a lot of the newer islands were missed out. I came across it again recently and got hit by a wave of nostalgia so I’m gonna do my own now. Unoriginal content very good. i’ll put a keep reading link to stop it from taking up too much space

Early Poptropica - mega nostalgia but kinda boring. I like the original Poptropicans being pixely and there is a goth gf in the sewers however the giant green spider scared the shit out of me as a kid and the idea of an aircraft graveyard made me sad so 6/10

Shark Tooth Island - also nostalgic but I didn’t complete it for a long time for some reason.. very short. it has a story but its there is nasty shark and people stuck on an island so make a calming potion. the medicine man looks like he is from viva pinata so 6/10

Time Tangled Island - VERY GOOD AND FUN AND HISTORICAL FUCK THAT AZTEC THO DICKHEAD. quite lengthy for an island but this is good because that means more time periods to explore. it’s also educational but i just care about restoring time. very legendary the iconic just jumped out - 10/10

24 Carrot Island - stupid pun point taken off. introduces Dr Hare and people are THIRSTY. you can dye your hair with milkshakes. i thought it was creepy as a kid honestly. i think its mind control or something. but i like it, it still has nostalgia value 8/10

Super Power Island - very legend like. i loooove the antagonists, especially copy cat but i think i had to look up a guide to beat her because i was dumb af. you need a licence to be a superhero but you are a superhero!!! very fun i like this one a lot 10/10

Spy Island - i remember sucking at this one as well as a kid.  i think it fucks with peoples hair and i only remember because my character looks fresh 100% of the time and this island fucked it up i think. i don't really remember it tho. 5/10

Nabooti Island - it’s based on a Choose Your Own Adventure book so good premise. go around the world is also good. you have to get jewels i think. ngl i didn’t finish this one because i sucked at it so i’m just going off the wiki and how far i got into it. fuck the animal puzzle 7/10

Big Nate Island - who the fuck is Big Nate. i only remember the school climbing frame and a stink bomb. fuck you big nate we don’t have your comics in England 1/10

Astro-Knights Island - medieval knights.... IN SPACE?!?! COUNT ME IN. crazy jester bard guy antagonist. people are thirsty for him too. i’m pretty sure you end up in another dimension or something. cyborgs and shit 9/10

Counterfeit Island - bruh i loved this island. pretty sure antagonist is also making people thirsty. you have to go back to Early Poptropica Island to complete it, very cool. investigating crime is cool idea it’s l.a. noire in poptropica. the wiki says there is a glitch called anti-social clown and i have to say relatable 9/10

Reality TV Island - i think i completed this like twice and i remember jackshit. you get to see past characters tho so very good. it’s just doing challenges. 4/10

Mythology Island - VERY GOOD. LEARN ABOUT MYTHOLOGY. you can fight hydra and other creatures, you meet Zeus you meet Hades, Aphrodite is a bitch. 9/10

Skullduggery Island - pirates are always good no matter what. apparently it is one of the hardest islands which explains why i never completed it but you fight other pirates and sea monsters for doubloons or some shit sounds cool to me 8/10

Steamworks Island - steampunk is good. i remember completing this and thinking it was interesting and weird to look at. i think the atmosphere is was lonely tho. there’s a boss battle against a plant i think. otherwise i don’t fuckin remember 7/10

Great Pumpkin Island - it’s Peanuts so it’s nice. very nice and simple. it’s just about the great pumpkin except you’re there. 6/10

Cryptids Island - GOD TIER. CRYPTIDS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA. some of it is scary tho. the jersey devil just fucking staring at you from the window was a shit the bed moment for a kids game. also before the islands got rebooted, it was one of the only islands to have sound effects, i.e. when the chupacabra bursts out the box. honestly because of the balls on this kids game to scare children and also being good island 10/10

Wild West Island - the only thing better than pirates is cowboys. i don’t really remember it but you do go against an outlaw gang. i like cowboys 10/10

Wimpy Wonderland Island - Jeff I know you made doawk and poptropica but did you have to show it. ngl i liked it because i like doawk. but it’s kinda... creatively bankrupt i guess. 3/10 2 points because Rodrick is there

Red Dragon Island - i think more time travel but just to old Japan. you have to save a girl. that’s all i remember. also i think there is a nasty samurai guy. but also evil dragon. i can’t remember because for the longest time this was a premium account only island so i never got to finish it for the longest time. that was a dick move 7/10 for that alone.

Shrink Ray Island - cool premise but this island expects me to learn morse code 3/10

Mystery Train Island - detectives? on a train? very nice. basically murder on the orient express except no murder and thomas edison is there and also various other 1700/1800 nerds

Game Show Island - basically Reality TV except it’s to save the world from robots. 5/10

Ghost Story Island - wow iconic. this is the only island with voice acting and it’s to fucking jumpscare you i shat myself.  ghost hunting, very cool 10/10

S.O.S Island - it’s basically Titanic mixed with Moby Dick. it’s ok 6/10

Vampire’s Curse Island - i reaaaally like this one. i like vampires. it has a vampire daddy in it so. he kidnaps a teenage girl tho because he thinks its the love of his life who is dead. kinda weird. he does stop being insane at the end tho and says sorry and dies. the girls bf is a dickhead tho. 9/10

Twisted Thicket Island - i think you’re saving a forest from becoming housing. i really like it because it introduces various folkloric creatures like the nokken. i only remember the nokken because i went on akinator to see if he knew what it was and i don’t think he did so i added it and it’s photo to his database. or maybe it was just his photo but i remember uploading something to akinator. 8/10

Poptropolis Games Island - i don’t think i liked this one 3/10

Wimpy Boardwalk Island - Jeff. 2/10 1 point added because Rodrick is also there

Lunar Colony Island - space is good. do i remember this island tho? no. i think theres aliens tho. 5/10 because i like space and aliens.

Super Villain Island - it brings back the most memorable villains like binary bard and black widow. you find out why they are evil. pretty chill 8/10

Charlie and The Chocolate Factory Island - what do you expect 5/10

Zomberry Island - the last of us except i think people are just eating nasty berries really. i like it it’s spooky 7/10

Night Watch Island - Paul Blart Mall Cop 6/10

Back Lot Island - you make a film. i can’t remeber it like at all. 6/10 because it sounds ok

Poptropolis Games Island Part 2 - fuck off 2/10

Virus Hunter Island - i don’t think i completed this one either. however it is one of those inside the human body things which is always cool if cliche. 8/10

Mocktropica Island - very satirical what if about if poptropica was run by assholes. ironic since a bunch of islands were made premium only for a while. pretty sure the bonus missions still are too which is why i’m not mentioning them. funny tho 7/10

Monster Carnival Island - spooky yes. people thirst over the ringmaster raven guy too. theres a spooky clown on the ferris wheel. i don’t remember much other than i liked it because it was about monsters in a theme park. 9/10 i remember it was surprisingly short tho

Survival Island - castaway except it’s you. i don’t remember it either lmao. i got out of touch with old poptropica real bad by this time so my next ratings might be unfair sorry. pretty sure it also becomes the most dangerous game tho and some guy wants to actually fucking kill you. ballsy. 7/10 because it sounds ok i should maybe play it.

Mission Atlantis Island - i like atlantis but i didn’t play this one either. you see deepsea creatures which are spooky so extra points 8/10

PoptropiCon Island - poptropica’s answer to comicon. now i did play this one for some reason but i don’t remember it too well either. i was 14 when it came out so. sounds like yu-gi-oh so good. 7/10

Arabian Nights Island - didn’t play it i think it’s just telling the story. it’s a cool story so 7/10

Galactic Hotdogs Island - what the fuck 1/10

Mystery of The Map Island - vikings are cool. island seems very short tho. 5/10

Timmy Failure Island - who the fuck. this would be more impactful if i read these fucking things but i don’t. who the fuck are you timmy. i guess it’s called failure for a reason. (that was mean sorry) 1/10

Escape from Pelican Rock Island - prison break, nice idea. you have like a twin in this one. seems a bit repetitive sometimes tho. theres like 7 days of doing similar things. 6/10

Monkey Wrench Island - it was created to be the new tutorial, i.e. an actual tutorial rather than Early Poptropica. very fast and boring, especially if you already know everything. 2/10

Crisis Caverns Island - i know nothing about this. even the wiki is incomplete. maybe that means its shit then. 1/10 the wiki doesn’t even care too much about this one.

Greek Sea Odyssey - more ancient greece is always good. you get to beat the shit out of zeus this time 8/10

Snagglemast Island - all you do is collect coins. another tutorial one. 1/10.

bonus: home island. legit just a hub. points added because you can do a lot of customisation here and pick up a pet that doesn’t cost credits. 4/10

DOUBLE BONUS: the little haunted house mini thing. very good because spooky costumes, spooky house fun little monster party. 10/10

[thirst-trapnhl]

The Best One of The Best Ones (tyson barrie)

A/N: Hi angels! This one has been bouncing around in my head for a while, so i hope you enjoy!. Title from “Stolen” by Dashboard Confessional (because tys is a big mush and deserves the mushiest song in the world) (word count: 1827)

warnings: oral sex, two morons in love, some curse words

For what feels like the 300th time since you’ve moved to Denver, you wrap yourself in a big fluffy blanket on your couch, heart sunk with disappointment after yet another failed attempt at  dating. You thought your first two dates with Ian had went well; he was smart and interesting enough and you’d made him laugh on more than one occasion. Before leaving in your uber, you’d told him you were free again this weekend if he’d be interested, and he told you, right there on the sidewalk, that he didn’t think that was the best idea. It seems to be the same conversation every time: “You’re a great girl, but I’m not the guy for you” and “I’m sure you’ll find Mr. Right someday.” It’s so familiar at this point that you could probably recite the lines by heart and that thought makes you snort humorlessly. You’re about to dig into the big bowl of ice cream you’ve set up for yourself when you hear the front door of your apartment creak open. You’d sent your best friend Tyson a text half an hour ago, just a simple “can you come over?,” and left the door unlocked, hoping you could stay awake long enough for him to arrive. “(Y/N)?” he calls in to the apartment and pads into the room, shoes left at the door. He chuckles a little at the sight of you wrapped up and you pout up at him. “What’s the matter little burrito?”

You wiggle over to make room for him to sink into the couch next to you, careful not to unwrap your blanket cocoon, before answering. “Just another guy who ‘isn’t looking for anything serious but wishes me the best.’” The frustration and disappointment in your voice is clear and Tyson borderline coos at you as he wraps an arm around your shoulder, pulling you in to curl yourself into his side.

You take the opportunity to really burrow into the warmth as he kisses the top of your head. “Sorry, (Y/N). Men are dumb. You’re a catch.” You look up at him, jokingly unimpressed.

“A catch? What are you, my mother?” He laughs at that, head thrown back against the couch cushion. “Besides, if I was such a catch, someone would be, like, madly in love with me or something already.” His face reddens at that and it leaves you a little confused, sending you rambling to figure it out. “I mean, I don’t really get it. I have a normal office job; my apartment’s kind of small and I can’t cook for shit, but at least I live on my own!” You’ve let your blanket cape unravel and you lean away from him in the midst of your rant, your hands moving wildly as you get more worked up. “I mean, I know I’m not some rocket like Mel or Charlotte, but honestly, it’s a little ridiculous that I can’t find one single man in Denver who wants to date me! Am I THAT terrible to be around?” He shakes his head no, lips pursed tight together.

“You’re being a little ridiculous right now. Honestly, you’re the best to be around. You’re funny and smart and you can bake and you like good music and you know about hockey. Like, honestly, (Y/N), you’re pretty much my favorite person ever. And I don’t know what you mean by you’re not a rocket, because I think you’re the most attractive person we even hang out with, and it’s not close, like not even a little.” By the end of his sentence, you’re staring at him with wide eyes and you know your jaw is dropped enough that you could catch flies, but you can’t bring yourself to close it because, like, what the fuck. He’s staring back at you now, and if you thought he was blushing before, you were wrong. His whole face is bright red and he looks like he’s holding his breath and frankly, it’s adorable and comical all it once, they way Tyson is prone to be. You sit in heavy silence for a few seconds, eyes searching each other’s faces.

You finally close your mouth, taking a deep breath in through your nose before starting. “Tyson, I need to know what you mean by that. Because either, you’re just saying that to make me feel better or I’ve been dating all these jerks for years trying to get over my huge crush on you for nothing.”

You’d been in love with Tyson since the moment you met him, roping him into some embarrassing scavenger hunt game at a bar during your cousin’s bachelorette party. He’d been such a good sport about it all, willing to wear the crown adorned with plastic mini penises so you could cross it off your checklist. He blushed when you offered to buy him a drink to make up for the intrusion and he declined, of course, and ended up buying you one instead. For a while, you thought Tyson was interested in you, but your friendship solidified into, well, just friendship, after a couple months. Tyson was the most amazing friend you’d ever had. He was attentive and thoughtful, unbelievably loyal, and selfless a lot of the time, but secretly you’d always hoped there was still something more behind his motivations than just being the best friend in the world. You always hoped he was a little in love with you too.

It’s his turn to drop his jaw and it takes all you have not to giggle at him. He opens and closes his mouth a couple times, trying to sputter out words and you just wait for him, eyebrows raised.

“What do you mean- I- Of course I- Your Big WHAT?”

You really can’t hold back your laughter now, so stupidly fond of Tyson in every way conceivable. “Tys, I’m gonna kiss you now, ok?”  You start leaning in, giving him more than enough time to back away, but when your hand rests against his neck, he pulls you into his lap to straddle his thick thighs. You let out another giggle, thrilled to find his big body feels just as warm underneath you as you’ve imagined. One of his hands rests at the bottom of your spine, the other between your shoulder blades and it’s easy to arch into him, laying your chest against his as your lips finally meet. It’s sweet and slow and a little desperate, years of pining from both of you poured into it and you can’t help but pull back to look at him. Somehow, it’s the most natural thing in the world, the feeling of Tyson’s heartbeat under your palm. You hold his face in your hands and he has a goofy smile on his face, eyes blown wide and cheeks burning, and you know the look is mirrored back to him on yours. “We’ve been really dumb this whole time, huh?”

Tyson nods slowly and you lean back in to kiss him again. It’s hot and wet and Tyson licks into your mouth, pulling a moan out of you. You can feel him harden underneath you and it occurs to you that you like, need to know all the noises you can pull out of Tyson, and you need to know them now. You rock your hips down into him, firm and slow, and through your sleep shorts and his sweats you can feel his cock slide just right against you. You’re rewarded with a mix between a sigh and a groan and it spurs you on, rolling your hips faster against him this time You smile when he breathes out a “Fuck, (Y/N),” and after a few more minutes, when you’re sure you’ve about soaked through your pajamas, you maneuver yourself to kneel between his thighs.

You palm at him through his sweats and he bites his lip, holding back a moan. “Wanna hear you, Tys, can you do that for me?” He nods back, not trusting his voice at the sight of you between his legs. You tug at his waistband and he lifts his hips and your pussy clenches at the sight of him, thick and bright pink and unbelievably hard already. “Thought about this so much, Tys. You have no idea.” You don’t give him time to respond, licking up the underside of his shaft before sliding the head into your mouth, lips stretched around him. One hand is wrapped around his base and the other is splayed across his hip in an attempt to hold him still even though you know you’re no match for the strength of him. The moan that rips through his chest as you sink down on to him fully, lips hitting the tops of your fingers sends sparks down your spine and the hand not wrapped around him travels down to rub yourself through your shorts. You start bobbing your head at a slow pace, watching his face watching you. The thumb resting on the underside of his cock begins to sweep over his balls and his eyes screw shut as his stomach clenches. You continue to work both his cock and your clit, spurred on by the sight and sound of him coming undone, losing control underneath you.  

You’ve managed to get into your own shorts and sink a finger into your warmth when he warns you he’s about hit his peak. You pull off of him, spitting down on your hand for a little extra slickness. The noise he makes at that is something new altogether, almost a whimper, and the smile that splits across your lips is somewhere between proud and predatory. He comes with a “Fuck, baby, so good,” and you admire your job well done, his belly splattered with the evidence of your work. You pull your hand from your shorts, wiping them dry on his sweats as he pulls you up to curl into his side again. He tucks himself back into his pants before moving to peel his t-shirt off to use to clean himself. He settles back into the couch and looks down at you as you rest your temple against his shoulder. “You are so fucking incredible, (Y/N), I’m so fucking lucky every other man in Denver is an idiot.” It makes you bow your head in laughter, reminding you exactly why you fell in love with Tyson in the first place. When you look back into his eyes, he has the sweetest smile on his face, one usually reserved for teammates kids and twitter videos of puppies. You lean into kiss him once more, hand curled around his jaw. He manuvers you both to get himself on top and pushes you backwards, laying you out on the couch before pulling away. His eyes are dark now as he hovers above you, kissing at your collarbone before sliding to his knees between yours. “My turn.”

[riotatthemovies]

Riot talks with Chris LaMartina

Chris LaMartina is most known for the Vhs freak and Halloween geeks dream flick WNUF Halloween Special.  He is truly a super fan of low budget American backyard horror movies as can easily be seen in all his projects via style and humor. Such films as Call Girl of Cthulhu and his imdb unlisted shot on video slasher he mad as a kid Amerikill. Chris took some time out of editing and crafting new projects and answering questions on the now online conventions to talk to us.

1. Sov horror is REreleasing some of your older works. Amerikill and Dead Teenagers. Now I have seen and own Amerikill and the slasher of that movie is basically killing kids many of which are less than teenagers. So tell me what Dead Taanagers is about, more than just the same thing but killing older kids?

Chris:  "Dead Teenagers" was first, VERY DIY, attempt at making a feature. At 18, I knew I didn't have the attention span or stamina to make a full fledged feature so I tried my hand at an anthology. "Dead Teenagers" is basically a micro-budget ($300 actually) version of "Creepshow"... so goofy little cheap segments about vampires, werewolves, and things that go bump in the night with bare bones resources that would make the Pope weep. 

Riot: 2. What's your all time favorite no budget possibly Shot on video horror movie and what makes it stand out to you?

Chris: I love the JR Bookwalter stuff and I kinda adore "Polymorph" the most. Outside of that, I really think "Redneck Zombies" is fun start-to-finish plus Perciles Lewnes is the NICEST dude. Eric Stanze's "Savage Harvest" was probably one of the ones that inspired me most to start getting serious about making stuff on my own.

RIOT:3. You are arguably most noted for the WNUF Halloween special. Obviously a love note to 70s and 80s American local television from the drugstore era of halloween as I like to call it, (The time when all your Halloween supplies could be bought just from your local drugstore, taffy candy and Ben cooper costumes) but I've always been curious how much the British tv special GhostWatch inspired you if at all? I love double billing both movies back to back before Halloween. 

Chris: . Dude. I get this a BUNCH and I didn't see Ghostwatch til years after WNUF was released and people KEPT comparing us to it. But... to be honest, I watched about 20 minutes before I got bored. It's not a bad movie, it's just not what I was expecting. Very serious, and as you can tell by WNUF, that's not really my bag. I can see why people compare us, though... but to be honest, there's a LOT of horror movies/novels/comics about a reporter doing a report from inside a haunted house. One of the genius stories for WNUF was hearing an old Baltimore story about how an oldies station did a live radio show/seance from the Edgar Allen Poe house and picked up some strange recordings. 

Riot: I totally get it , I just grew up in England when GhostWatch aired first unknowing of the gimmick, so imagining that experience though. Also once the gimmick is done yeah it is kinda dry so I agree, if you cant scare em completely, make em smile 4. Before the world went all topsy turvy this year you were crowdfunding for a sequel. How did that go and where does the project stand? Sov Horror is promoting a project where they are asking filmmakers to send in fake commercials for their film, I smell a mini cross over connection that is begging to happen there.

Chris: So, because of Covid, we lost about 15 days at the most CRUCIAL time of production... all the days with extras and big set-pieces were basically thrown out the window. We've still been doing a bunch of post on footage we have shot and are managing to do some "social distancing" shoots where I set-up lights, mic, and actors arrive in costume, hit their marks, and say their dialogue. It's weird, man... but it's how we have to do it. It's definitely not how imagined making this movie, but such is life. As for SOV Horror connection, nah. I love Tony and what he's doing is really cool... but I'm way too busy with WNUF, work, and other creative projects to toss anything their way right now. Riot :5. Keeping busy is key right now. How's the pandemic world treating you in general, if it caused you to stall on projects and life in general slow down. Luckily I find for no budget backyard film makers it's been seeing some real inspiration and online sales lately so I hope something good is coming for you. Anything to report on "What Happens Next will Scare you?"

Chris: The best part of the pandemic for me is finishing "What Happens Next Will Scare You" which will be totally COMPLETE by end of August (literally just doing the title sequence now). It took forever, but finally the guy who was doing all our screen composites had no excuse not to finish when he was trapped inside his house for months. ;p So yeah... that'll be available somehow in the next few months.

Riot: Thats great news

6.Whats your favorite things about low budget filmmaking and what are the things that get under your skin so much that makes you doubt yourself sometimes? I'm sure any of the self produced folks can relate.

Chris:  I love how accessible it is (cameras and software are CHEAP now). I also love how much imagination you can inject into a project with the right levels of ambition and enthusiasm. When you're too afraid to fail, that's the best. As I got older and made more movies, you have the pressure of expectations... which actually ruins a lot of the fun, but I'm still trying to best to make cool, weird shit that *I* would love and hope there's legions of creeps like me that will welcome these bizarre pieces of storytelling into their homes. As for what gets under my skin... hmmm... I've always distrusted folks who care more about gear and budgets than story. That's way bogus. Furthermore, I think fan culture has gotten a little toxic over the best decade and tape trading has gotten stupid expensive / unfunny. But fuck those dudes. They won't stop me from having a good time and making weird shit. ;p Riot: I love my cheesy vhs tapes but you are so right the tape trader community takes things way too seriously , I just cant anymore myself. 

Thanks for joining us for 6 silly questions with Riot (that's me) and may this Halloween be epic and future projects be awesome.

Chris:  Thank YOU, dude! It was great talking with ya and hit me up anytime. xoxo

Behind the Scenes of Call Girl of Cthulhu

[littlehollyleaf]

Name ten favourite characters from ten different things (books, tv, film, etc.) 

Then tag ten people

Tagged (ages ago, whoops!) by @castiel-saved-me-from-myself 

(I’m sorry, I got distracted!)

1.Supernatural. Castiel.

Obviously. I may be out of the fandom now, but I’ve never loved a character as much as Cas, and probably never will.

2. Good Omens. Aziraphale.

Thought I’d put both my darling angels at the top :) I suspect that without Zira there to pave the way Castiel may not even have existed, so I love him double - for himself and for Cas as well :p 

While really quite different when it comes to their personalities (just think how Zira would SHUDDER at Cas’ trenchcoat), they share a lot of character traits and tropes (mini-series!Zira anyway, maybe less so in the book, or less obviously anyway), so, no surprise that I should adore them both. I’ve also said before, and I stand by it, that Aziraphale is sort of a combination of my favourite aspects of both Cas and Dean in one, with Cas’ struggle with Heaven/god and trying to be a good angel and finding he loves humanity/earth more, plus Dean’s whole ‘performing Dean’ thing and repression of queer feelings he is scared to admit to (out loud) because he believes they are somehow ‘wrong.’ 

...just to give a little insight into my feelings about these two that was neither needed nor asked for...

4. Hellblazer. NBC Constantine. Legends of Tomorrow. John Constantine. 

Aaaand the other guy I love twice because Cas, and indeed spn in general, kinda owe their existence to him. Though in turn his fabulous live action portrayal by Matt Ryan probably owes its existence to spn and Castiel’s popularity. So... there’s a weird ouroboros situation happening with my favs here that makes my head spin whenever I think about it, but I love it - stories within stories built on stories feeding off stories, which connects to wider themes of story and storytelling being vital and intrinsic to life and stuff.

Anyway, despite his wardrobe, Johnny is NOTHING LIKE CAS. He is, in fact, a lot like Dean. But I like him more. Maybe because he’s British :p He has the whole ‘repressing his feelings’ things, a bit like Zira, but it’s not because he thinks they are wrong, it’s more of a coping mechanism to deal with the constant tragedy/trauma his life/lifestyle/fate causes him to suffer. But whatever the reason, I like my characters facing that struggle :) (actually the British element is probably way more significant to my enjoyment of him than I’ve been fully aware of... that’s probably why I loved Zira so fast as well... obviously they are both a completely different class of British, literally, but the fact they ARE British is INTRINSIC to both their characters, and I guess a little, vaguely patriotic part of me is excited by that... :p)

4. Gotham. Edward Nygma.

Since I’ve started giving explanations - I love Eddie because he’s also got the whole ‘emotionally repressed’ / out of touch with (his) emotions thing going on (as seen in Zira and Cas), but with the addition of various geeky / ‘tech guy’ character traits that I also love.

5. Doctor Who (Classic). Vislor Turlough.

I waxed poetic once about how I liked Gotham’s Edward Nygma because he reminded me a bit of Turlough. That was early on in my Gotham days though and given how Eddie developed I don’t see as many similarities now. Turlough shares some of Eddie’s ‘dark’ traits however - self-centered, often lacking in empathy for others and nonplussed (sometimes even happy) to see them get into trouble or hurt. But ultimately his attempts to be self-serving and cowardly end up thwarted by him developing feelings for specific individuals despite his best efforts, which is what I enjoy about him (and actually that’s a lot like Eddie still, huh... their endgame’s are opposing though ofc - while Eddie goes on to embrace being a villain, Turlough gives up on villainy and even becomes a bit of a hero, now and then). Plus, Turlough is the ONLY Companion (IIRC?) to have joined the Doctor specifically in order to MURDER him and... idk, I just think that’s cool :P

6. Doctor Who (New). Donna Noble.

(I’m trying not to double up on fandoms/shows so I can cover more, but New and Classic Who count as different things, kinda, right...?)

Donna doesn’t really fit any of the character traits I’ve talked about above, though I guess her low self-esteem is something that all my other favs share in various ways (though it’s not such an EXPLICIT aspect of their characters and story arcs as it was for Donna I’d say). What I first loved about her was that after YEARS of New companions (and other randoms) being literally in love with the Doctor, she had a strictly platonic relationship with him. Yeah, I think maybe the show was a bit heavy-handed about it, but even so it came as a huge breath of fresh air and frankly a RELIEF to me. Not that I’m opposed to the Doctor having romantic/sexual  relationships, it was just that... coming from a childhood love of the Classic series where that just... didn’t happen (save a fleeting kiss in the TV Movie - which I actually enjoyed fyi!), it just... idk, was starting to stretch my credulity that EVERYONE seemed to be falling for him maybe? Or at least for me it was growing tiresome. So the fact she didn’t have that element to her character/story was a plus. Then I just adore how loud and brash she is when calling anyone, including the Doctor, out on their shit (I envy her that maybe). Plus I like the way she isn’t... traditional TV pretty, you know? (ie. young and slim, like a lot of other companions).

...or maybe I just like redheads *shrug emoji* 

7. Spartacus. Naevia.

(she has two actresses okay? and they both deserve kudos!)

Truth is I love FUCKING EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE IN THIS SHOW. Spartacus is like... my PERFECT SHOW. There isn’t a single moment, a single plotline, a single character that I don’t enjoy. I have never even CONSIDERED looking up or writing fic because the finished product is completely satisfying exactly as it is. God. But I wanted it represented in this list so I had to pick someone!

Considering the time period there couldn’t really BE a ‘geeky, emotionally repressed with low self-esteem’ character :p BUT nearly ALL of the characters have the whole ‘struggle to understand/discover who they are’ thing and the ‘who I am and want to be is counter to who I’ve been told I am / should be’ arc, on account of the main cast being rebelling slaves (though the other characters are equally complex and compelling and I love them too - Lucy Lawless in particular is incredible!). Anyone who’s seen me blog about the show before might have thought I’d pick either Agron or Nasir as my favs, since I do like to squee over their romance. But whenever I think about the show it’s usually Naevia who I remember first, because her character arc/development just BLEW ME AWAY. She went from someone I’d kinda dismissed at first as a typical het love interest to a WARRIOR GODDESS and you SEE all the key moments of that growth, you FEEL it, it makes ALL THE SENSE. And her romance with Crixus, which again I was initially a bit dismissive of as a typical, sudden, weak het romance, grows into, imo, one of the deepest, most developed, most believable love stories in the show. So yeah. Naevia. Amazing.

8. Due South. Ray Vecchio. 

(he’s the guy not the dog - gifs were limited! ...also the dog is actually a wolf, it’s a whole thing... that doesn’t need exploring at this juncture)

Ray was my first TV crush :P He had a bit of a sidekick vibe to him I guess, which I like (lead characters tend not to interest me as much). He wasn’t ‘geeky’ exactly, but he def had the ‘trying to look/act cooler than I am’ thing going on... also an obsessive attachment to his vintage car... meanwhile his partner Benny was the stoic, ‘British, stiff upper lip, keep emotions in check’ one who was always trying to live up to the ideal persona dictated by his people/employers, in this case the Royal Canadian Mounted Police... HUH, so... it’s actually SUPER WEIRD that I ended up loving Cas and Zira over Dean and Crowley when it seems pretty clear suddenly that my first big fictional fav was CLEARLY the Dean-Crowley to Benny’s Cas-Zira......?? Ray was FUNNY in a way Dean and Crowley aren’t though, I think? He def filled a ‘comic relief’ slot on the regular and I liked that a lot (it also made his serious, angsty moments EXTRA serious and angsty, and extra angst is something I always love!)

9. The Librarians. Eve Baird.

Remember this little show? It was... is... sorta ridiculous. Not amazing. Based on some... very cheap, very OBVIOUS Indiana Jones rip-off films, that were also ridiculous and... not... great (the third one is the best, with an awesome performance by Stana Katic aka Kate Beckett as a vampire, but I digress). But... idek, I am EXTREMELY FOND of the series for some reason :p

There are a WHOLE BUNCH of characters that fit my ‘type’ more than Eve tbh... in fact... probably every.single.other.main.cast.member (save perhaps Jenkins?) shares the traits above that typically make a character my fav. But... EVE! I just... think she’s neat! ...maybe it’s BECAUSE all the others are main/lead characters that makes me gravitate towards her? In a cast where ‘geeky, socially awkward, struggles with emotions’ is the norm, Eve being the no-nonsense, socially competent, badass soldier type therefore becomes different and thus more interesting to me? Also, much like with Donna, I appreciate that she’s an older woman who gets to have a full character and plot of her own. There’s also something about her romance with Flynn that... makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

10. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Jonathan Levinson.

(tumblr gif search failed me so I had to grab from elsewhere...)

Listen. Look. Okay. Buffy is pretty old school these days so, for anyone not in the know, as a character, originally, Jonathan... he wasn’t even a side character, he wasn’t even REOCCURRING, he was barely a background character. For several episodes he didn’t have a name and it wasn’t until several seasons after he became ‘Jonathan’ that he actually got a surname. Danny Strong was just an actor who happened to be occasionally on-hand when the script called for a random to have a line, until eventually that happened often enough for Joss to think ‘hey, you know what, let’s make this guy an actual part of the show...’ 

He got a couple of episodes focused on him in S03 and S04 respectively, but didn’t become a regular until S06 (and wasn’t in S05 AT ALL). Other than that he had a HANDFUL of ‘blink and you’ll miss it’ moments here and there, not even full scenes for the most part, usually lasting no longer than the above gif.

I tell you all this so that when I say childhood me (well... somewhere between 12 and 14 years anyway) was OBSESSED with this character in the show, and I mean O B S E S S E D (to the point of spending hours painstakingly making VHS recordings purely of the episodes he was in), you understand how UTTERLY BIZARRE that was. Because this obsession pre-dated S06. Was, in fact, in full swing during the airing of his S04 episode - which was, like, a fucking DREAM COME TRUE for freakily obsessed me fyi, because the whole episode was constructed with him as the LEAD CHARACTER, because he’d performed a spell to make him super awesome. They even changed the title sequence to read ‘Jonathan’ instead of Buffy! And while other fans were no doubt just lol-ing at the random I was bouncing about on my sofa all ‘MY TIME HAS COME!’ and fucking SWOONING over seeing MY CHARACTER suddenly in the spotlight and getting to do crazy fun OOC shit like this -

Then when S06 rolled around and HE WAS A LEGIT REGULAR, omg, I was in HEAVEN! First TV boxset I ever bought that - Buffy S06 :P

So... yeah. A bit of a fav. Geeky. Outcast. Slowly grows more morally grey, what with that spell I mentioned and also the fact he was teamed with the ANTAGONISTS in S06. I guess you could say he was the beginning of a lot of my fav fictional character traits/tropes (though looking back - I think his ‘villainous’ teammates in S06, Andrew and Warren, are more my ‘type’ these days, and I did end up loving Andrew especially a whole damn lot, but at the time I’d been a Jonathan fangirl for so.fucking.long. there was just no chance anyone else in the show was ever gonna come close to my heart!)

THE END.

Sorry not sorry for the tmi. I got a bit too into this one.

Actually sorry I have so few women on the list :( Internalised misogyny/sexism is a real thing and I spent a lot of my life being... somewhat unfairly dismissive of female characters or at least prioritising male ones over them. I’m working on it.

Ten people is SO.MANY. to tag. But I might as well do this right this time, since I’ve come so far. But if you’d rather not play, no worries! <3

@enchantersnight @momecat @bold-sartorial-statement @vampirebillionaire @edwardnashtons @miss-olivia-cellophane @knightinpinkunderwear @supes9 @leaper182 @hamburgergod

Honourable mentions (because I CAN):

Gotham. Lucius Fox.

Gotham. Fish Mooney.

Gotham. Tabitha Galavan.

Doctor Who. The Doctor.

Doctor Who. The Master/Missy.

Supernatural. Hannah.

Supernatural. Naomi.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Andrew Wells.

[your-average-dysphoric-homie]

Prinxiety Ficlet

Author’s Note: This was meant to be a quick poem to cheer up @not-so-innocent-bi-sander but after like just over two hours it got way out of hand in the best way possible. Though my writer’s instinct is telling me to hate it, I can’t. So here it is.

Word Count: 1.3k~  (i was shooked too)

Tw: cursing, i think that’s it

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Would you be so-

*crack* Virgil threw another pencil at the garbage and missed for the upmost time. He leaned into open palms and ruffled his already messed up hair. A groan slipped out from in between his fingers.

"I can't. I can't. I can't." His hands slowly slip down and fingers comically pull down his eyelids.

"This is stupid, I'm stupid. What made me think I could possibly do this?" Pushing his chair back, he stood up and took a few laps around his quite cramped bedroom.

"No," he stopped too quickly and tripped over himself, landing face first on the end of his bed. With a grunt, he rolled himself over and stared up his bare-ass ceiling.

"Patton wouldn't be too happy if he heard me calling my writing stupid." He thought aloud.

Focusing on the 2,648th bump, he let his train of thought chug round and round his room. Thought bubbles from the chimney filled the air. Verbally, he popped each and every one.

"What did Patton do when he asked Logan out? Well, he created a structured and incredibly detailed power point as to why he liked him. He mentioned Logan's eyes, his hair, what he loved about any and all of his neckties. Patton let Logan talk and not feel overwhelmed by allowing a lot of pauses in between bullet points. He let his emotions guide him for the most part, but didn't let them control him. He made a few puns, because, well, that's part of who he is. But even I noticed some parts where one or two extra could be added in. I think he did too. The first few rehearsals, I noticed a pause like something more was itching to get out, but after the 16th or so time, the itch seemed to die down. We both know Logan likes to come across as very serious and absolutely despises puns. Though once you get a couple of drinks into his system, all that goes out the window. Regardless, Patton dialed down some of himself and made room for things that appeal more to Logan, like logic and order. This didn't take away from Patton in the slightest. It seemed to add more to him and in a good way at that. He knew that if he opened himself up, laid out emotions and all, while proving his care for Logan through catering to what he enjoys and pointing out the subtle, yet ordered, care he has for his appearance," Virgil takes a breath. "If Logan liked Patton back, he would take all of that into account and surely say yes. Which he did, so......"

He rolled over onto his stomach and faced his raggedy, old Pooh Bear in a mini, purple plaid hoodie, courtesy of his grandmother. "Patton swears on his cat hoodie that Roman likes me back. Roman is known for his theatrics, his need for an audience. I, of fucking course, am the exact opposite. We do have a love for Disney in common, though. And when we're alone, he can be an absolute fucking dork. In fact, this one time he set all of his stuff animals in a row and-" He opened his eyes, not even realizing they were closed in the first place and stared into the lifeless black beads of his Pooh Bear. I small grin grew across his face and he lifted himself up off his bed. Newfound energy overtook him. He wrote until both wrists cramped up and passed out with a surprising 3 hours to spare.

...

The last 5 minutes of the day had never felt longer. He turned his already shortening attention away from Mr. Sanders and reviewed his plan for the 1,639,436th time today. If you had told past Virgil he would be drilling two dating proposes through his skull before the end of the week, he would laugh then ask who you were and how the fuck you got into his house.

As soon as the bell rang, Virgil jumped up with his book bag pre-slung around his shoulder. He would get the homework from Logan later, right now he just needed to get this over with. He had already texted Roman and requested access of the stage for thirty minutes from the fine arts teacher. Luckily rehearsals for the next school play weren't until the following week, so it was quite literally now or never.

He ran to the gym, catching weird glances at the running kid from fellow students, but paid no mind. He swung the backstage door open to an empty stage with closed off curtains.

"Thank fuck," he had time to set up.

...

5 stuffed animals and like 3 mini panic attacks later, Virgil was ready. It felt like hours, but really only seconds had gone by. Nonetheless, Virgil was again panicking over the possibility that Roman must have bailed. What if he was just leading Virgil on? What if he popped his head in, saw a weirdo with plushies and ran home? What if- The door opened just before Virgil spiraled too much. In came the prettiest boy in school, Roman Prince. Whose face went from cheesing to slight confusion once he spotted the row of toys.

"Oh, Virgil, my storm cloud, what is going on? I came as fast as I could. What is all this?"

He took a deep breath in and met Roman's soft, radiating blue eyes. The very same he fell in love with years ago during their school's fall performance. "Princey, please sit down before my last two brain cells find the exit, and I lose the confidence to do this." He slightly gestured towards the gap right in the middle of the 'audience.'

"Ever the optimist," Roman commented as he took his seat, though a smirk couldn't help but tug at his lips.

Virgil closes his eyes and begins:

Roman, for an embarrassingly long amount of time

I've been trying to find the right string of words

The right combination of vowels and consonants

But every chance to rhyme felt forced

A rhyme like something-something... birds! Two-thirds!

This method wasn't working

So I tried a different approach

I know you love theater

So maybe this will catch your eye

I remember you performing

For stuffed animals when I was too stubborn

I couldn't let myself watch you alone

I feared I would fall deeper and deeper into your spell

Ironically now, I think it worked regardless

I want to be yours and hopefully you'll take me

I'm so far gone, you're 'whammy; was strong

And my wretched little life has been cursed

But I'm shy, and it's too bad

I'm afraid I might miss you, not get to ki-

I see you in class, across the way

You've got so much to say, but there's a lot more about you

I want to learn more from you

I want to watch you grow and be right there beside you

Through thick and thin, every obstacle we face

I want to be the man who helps keep you on your feet

So, if you're willing, take my excuse for a performance

Take my audience of decade-old toys, who just want a nap

And take me, despite my rainy demeanor,

I'll be the day this prince comes to.

Once he was done he took a well-deserved breath in and found the face of a king inches from his own. "Gladly," the king breathed, and closed the gap between the two boys.

This kiss was the first of many, many more to come, as Roman's kingdom made room for a second throne.

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior Feb. 14, 2020 – SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, FANTASY ISLAND, THE PHOTOGRAPH, DOWNHILL, OLYMPIC DREAMS

It’s Valentine’s Day on Friday and President’s Day on Monday, which means that this weekend is going to be absolutely nuts in terms of getting four new wide releases.  Last week’s Birds of Prey did not do even remotely close to where I predicted/projected – almost half!! -- and here I thought all those raves reviews might help, but apparently not. It will still make money with its global release but it’s gonna fall short even of last year’s Shazam! and many have already started questioning whether an R-rating is the way to go with a movie semi-targeted towards younger women. (Warner Bros. has already sent out a mandate to theaters to change the title of the movie to Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey. I cannot believe that it took this long for them to figure out what a terrible title they had previously!)

With the four-day weekend, it’s very likely that Paramount Pictures’ SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, will prevail, as it brings the beloved SEGA video game character to the big screen with James Marsdenand Jim Carrey, the latter starring in one of his first big-screen appearances in a while. It should be an easy victor this weekend in a market that could desperately use another strong family film.

For those unfamiliar with SEGA’s flagship video game “mascot,” Sonic has appeared in all sorts of other media including animated series and comic books, so one can say that the character is almost but not quite as well known and popular as Nintendo’s Pokemon, which has had a much wider reach in terms of both games and cartoons.

Of course, it’s impossible not to look at Sonic the Hedgehog and completely ignore the relative success of last year’s Pokemon: Detective Pikachu, which had the added benefits of a popular A-list star in Ryan Reynoldsand a summer release. That opened with $54.4 million and made $144 million domestic and $429.7 million worldwide.

On the other hand, Sonic does have Jim Carrey, who hasn’t been in an American wide release since the 2014 sequel Dumb and Dumber To, which only made about $156 million worldwide. At one point, Carrey was one of the biggest box office stars with multiple $240 million plus domestic blockbusters. Maybe the kids won’t be as invested in Carrey’s Mr. Robotnik, but many parents who grew up with Carrey’s comedies will be happy to see him in such a perfect role.

The Presidents Day weekend allows one extra day for parents with kids needing something to do with them sans school. Even so, the biggest movies on the weekend have been superhero movies, including Black Panther, Deadpool and Fifty Shades of Grey, the latter two definitely not for kids. (Daredeviland Ghost Rider also fared well on the weekend.) In fifth place for the weekend is Warner Bros’ The LEGO Movie, which made $62.5 million over the four-day weekend, but that was in its SECOND WEEKEND! So yeah, lots of money to be had for a family movie even though the biggest opener was Christopher Columbus’ Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (now on Broadway!), which opened with $38.7 million ten years ago.

I have to imagine that Sonic is more popular, and even with the tragic misstep of that first trailer last year which got such a negative reaction to Sonic’s appearance, Paramount delayed the movie and went back to the CG drawing board, there will be enough fans interested to see how he translates to the screen that $40 million over the weekend should be doable even with three other wide releases. I also don’t think reviews will be so bad, so it should be good for $100 million plus.

Mini-Review: For whatever reason, Sonic the Hedgehog is the kind of movie that lazy critics love to dump on, maybe because it’s a kids’ movie or because it’s a movie based on a video game they played as kids, or more likely, a character their kids know from popular cartoons and comic books. It doesn’t help that judgments were mostly cast when the first trailer hit last year and Sonic looked different than what people expected. Regardless, I went into the movie with very low expectations, maybe because I really had no passionate connection to the character despite being generally familiar with some of the games.

We meet Sonic as he’s being chased by robots, and we flash back to him as a kid on a planet where he’s able to zoom around freely, until he’s discovered by predators that are hunting him (it’s never explained why), so his mentor owl gives Sonic gold rings that can take him off-planet. Sonic ends up in a small town called Green Hills where he watches the townsfolk in hiding for years, including a local police officer (James Marsden) and his wife Maddie (Tika Sumpter). The former eventually discovers Sonic after he causes a major power outage that gets the attention of the government and its genius robotics scientist, Dr. Robotnik (Jim Carrey).

Despite not having much previous connection to Sonic, it’s hard for me not to appreciate this character, because I’ve been known to zip around myself. I also enjoyed Sonic’s haste since who knows when we might see that movie based on one of my favorite comic characters, The Flash. Sonic does a good job capturing the intensity and yes, speed, of having speed powers in quite a masterful way compared to previous attempts, giving me hope that a Flash movie is possible. (Granted, they do rip-off the fun thing Quicksilver does in the recent X-movies by slowing everything around Sonic down to a halt, but it’s still amusing.)

Probably the most genius idea by Sonic’s filmmakers was to convince Jim Carrey to return to the big screen as Dr. Robotnik. He quickly reminds us how hilarious he can be when going as fully into a character as he does this one, and it’s prime Carey vs. the semi-lazy Carrey that made movies in the early ‘00s. Robotnik is a super-genius with no patience for anyone on a lower level of intellect (aka everyone), and Carrey takes that idea to the utmost extreme. (It’s hard not to compare what he’s doing in this movie to what Ewan McGregor does in Birds of Prey and see how Carey does it effortlessly whereas McGregor was clearly trying too hard.)

That’s not to take away from Marsden and Sumpter, Sonic’s other prominent human co-stars, who bring such a warmth and humanity to those characters that you rarely even think that you’re watching them interact with a fully CG-character. (Kudos to Ben Schwartz and what he brings to Sonic as his voice.)

Sure, the plot can be a bit predictable with certain parts clearly geared to kids, but there’s also slew of pop references that display some real talent in the writing of the movie so that it can be watched and enjoyed by people of all ages.

Is it possible that Sonic the Hedgehog is the first thoroughly entertaining movie of the year? Yes, indeedy. (Definitely stay through the first bunch of credits if you are a Sonic fan!)

Rating: 8/10

One of the more interesting releases of the weekend is BLUMHOUSE’S FANTASY ISLAND (Sony Pictures Releasing), which as you can guess is a PG-13 horror version of the popular ‘80s show, starring Michael Peña as Mr. Rouke, the head of a program in which people can pay lots of money to achieve their greatest wishes… with a catch! Since this is Blumhouse, you probably know that the catch involves some sort of horror/thriller premise, and if you’ve seen the trailer, you might get some idea how it works… or not. (I wish I can say more but I’m under embargo!)

The rest of the cast is decent including Maggie Q (from Mission: Impossible 3), Lucy Hale, Portia Doubleday, Michael Rooker, Ryan Hansen, Jimmy O . Yang and more, plus it’s directed by Jeff Wadlow, who last did Blumhouse’s Truth Or Dare (a very bad movie!) and then Kick Ass 2 before that. (He was supposed to direct Sony’s upcoming Bloodshot movie but he left that to do other things, like this.)

Unfortunately, Sony Pictures Releasing (another specialized imprint from the parent company?) seems to have taken a cue from Screen Gems by deciding not to screen the movie for critics until Thursday afternoon (just like with The Grudge!), plus there won’t be ANY Thursday previews for this. It’s a shame since… well, I can’t really tell you if I liked the movie or not since I’m under embargo until Friday. J

Either way, it seems like a strong enough counter to Sonic and Birds of Prey that it should be good for $15 million plus over the four days. Personally, I think it would have opened even bigger if Sony and Blumhouse had shown some balls and screened it for critics in advance, but what do I know? I’ve only written about this stuff for ALMOST TWENTY FUCKING YEARS! (Not sure I’m gonna review the movie but we’ll see.)

I know far less about Universal’s Valentine’s Day offering THE PHOTOGRAPH (Universal), which I guess is a romantic drama that’s targeting African-Americans looking for something to see on the biggest date nights of the year. In fact, we’ve seen some interesting hits on this weekend just by putting “Date” in the movie title, as was the case with Adam Sandler-Drew Barrymore’s 50 First Dates ($45.1 million four-day opening) and even Date Movie ($21.8 million), which satirized romantic movies. But the real winner has to be a movie that went all out for Valentine’s Day by actually going with the title Valentine’s Day, which helped it open with $63 million over the four-day weekend ten years ago. ($23.4 million of that was on Valentine’s Day alone!)

Since I won’t see The Photograph until Weds. night, I can only talk about the little bit of marketing I’ve seen and what’s out there. Apparently, this is more in the vein of Valentine’s Day in that it’s a series of intertwined romantic stories, but it has an impressive cast of African-American actors who are on the verge of breaking out such as the great LaKeith Stanfield and amazing Kelvin Harrison Jr., as well as Rob Morgan (from “Daredevil” and Mudbound) and Courtney B. Vance. I’d be neglect if I didn’t mention any of the women involved and having Issa Raefrom the TV show “Insecure” as the primary female lead is something that shouldn’t be ignored. Stanfield isn’t the only connection to Jordan Peele, though, asLil Rel Howery from Get Outis also in this movie as is Peele’s actual wife, Chelsea Peretti!

I actually had to double check to make sure Peele wasn’t one of the film’s producers, but no, this is from Will Packer, a producer who is responsible for so many huge hits among African-Americans that one of these days I won’t underestimate his drawing power, even though all three of his 2019 movies underdelivered, including the comedy Little (co-starring Rae), although did well compared to their lower budgets.

In that sense, The Photograph could be compared to Packer’s Screen Gems comedy About Last Night, which opened with $27.8 million in just over 2,200 theaters in 2014, but that also had the power of proven box office draw Kevin Hartto bring in audiences. I certainly don’t want to be accused of underestimating Packer again, but with such a generic title and premise (and next to no marketing?), I’m just not sure the movie will deliver despite being decent counter-programming for AA audiences. With that in mind, I think the movie will probably make somewhere between $12 and 14 million.

Then there’s DOWNHILL (Searchlight Studios), the new movie from The Way, Way Back directors Nat Faxon and Jim Rash (who also won the Oscar for cowriting Alexander Payne’s The Descendants), this one being a direct remake of Swedish filmmaker Ruben Östlund’s 2014 film Force Majeure.

In this version, Will Ferrell and Julia Louis-Dreyfus play a squabbling couple who travel to the alps with their kids, but after barely escaping an avalanche – one in which he runs away leaving his family behind – they start questioning their lives. The film also stars Zach Woods (also from “Veep”), Miranda Otto and Zoe Chao, and though it premiered at the Sundance Film Festival (just like the duo’s previous movie), it did not receive great reviews, as it currently sits at 48% on Rotten Tomatoes.

I don’t think that will matter since like Carey above, Ferrell hasn’t been oversaturating the market with movies in the past couple year, maybe because his last movie, Holmes & Watson, reteaming him with John C. Reilly from Step Brothers bombed with $41 million worldwide after horrifying reviews. Fortunately, Louis-Dreyfus is far more loved thanks to her run on “Seinfeld” and her Emmy-winning run on HBO’s “Veep,” and that should help get people into theaters despite all the competition aboe and below.

Searchlight (no more Fox!!) will be releasing the movie into roughly 1,500 theaters, a moderate release to see how it fares, and the extended holiday weekend (plus the chance of it attracting older moviegoers on Valentine’s Day) should help it make $5 million plus over the extended weekend.

Mini-Review: If you’re reading this review hoping for a play-by-play of how Downhill differs from Ruben Ostlund’s Force Majeure, then you’re bound to be disappointed, because a.) I don’t really remember it, b.) I wasn’t as big a fan of the movie as so many others, and c.) I’m going to assume that a lot of people never got around to seeing it.

In this version, it’s Ferrell and Louis-Dreyfus as Peter and Billie Stanton, and there’s much more focus on their roles as parents and the responsibility that goes with that. Once again, Peter runs off when a controlled avalanche comes their way, but they don’t really talk about it so much even as it hangs over their heads.

Nat Faxon and Jim Rash once again find a manageable way of making “dramedy” out of a situation, making sure not to go for constant visual laughs or the zaniness Ferrell usually goes for. (Granted, we can totally believe him as a careless father/husband who does dumb things.) In fact, Ferrell plays his role fairly toned down, which allows Louis-Dreyfus to shine in what’s, oddly, a quite rare movie appearance. How they deal with the aftermath of the avalanche comes to a head when Pete’s work-buddy Zack (Zach Woods) arrives with a ladyfriend (Zoe Chao) allows the two to go at each other. It doesn’t get quite as intense as Marriage Story, but it’s obvious that they both have reached the point in their marriage where they need a separation.

It is kind of amusing that Miranda Otto almost steals her scenes with the two leads because she’s so funny as a hot-to-trot European guest they keep running into and who sets Billie up with a hot Italian ski trainer. There’s a few other funny characters but it mostly stays on Ferrell and Louis-Dreyfus either alone or together, and that’ll be enough for most people.

Faxon and Rash find interesting ways to play with the basic premise, although Downhill is very much comedy with a lower-case “c,” and like the original movie, it should lead to some interesting conversations.

Rating: 7/10

This week’s Top 10 should look something like this… (bearing in mind that the below are all four-day projections). It’ll be interesting to see if the name change for “Birds of Prey” will make a difference, but look for NEON’s Parasite to make its first foray into the top 10 this weekend after 19 (!!!) weeks in theaters, thanks to its Best Picture win last Sunday.

1. Sonic the Hedgehog (Paramount) - $44 million N/A (up $1.5 million)* 2. Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey  (Warner Bros) - $20 million -39% (down $1.5 million)* 3. Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island (Sony) - $15.8 million N/A (up $.3 million)* 4. The Photograph (Universal) - $13.5 million N/A 5. Bad Boys for Life (Sony) - $8 million -35% (up .2 million)* 6. 1917 (Universal) - $7 million -23% 7. Downhill (Searchlight) - $5.6 million N/A (up .2 million)* 8. Parasite (NEON) - $5 million +300% (up .4 million and one place) 9. Dolittle  (Universal) - $4.5 million -30% (down .4 million and one place) 10. Jumanji: The Next Level  (Sony) - $4.2 million -24%

*UPDATE: A few minor updates based on actual theater counts with Parasite being expanded into 2,000 theaters, the widest its been so far. I feel like most of the new movies will do well, including Downhill (which will be in 2,301 theaters vs. the 1,500 estimated earlier in the week). Anyway, it should be a fairly hearty and robust weekend at the box office.

LIMITED RELEASES

Before we get to the regular limited releases opening Friday, I want to mention two special releases for Weds. night, Trafalgar Releasing is giving a one-night screening of The Doors: Break on Thru - A Celebration of Ray Manzarek, which I haven’t seen but I’m definitely interested in as a fan of the ‘60s group (and Manzarek’s keyboard work). You can get tickets for that here. Also, Kino Lorber is giving one-night release of Emily Taguchi & Jake Lefferman’s doc After Parkland to commemorate the second anniversary of the shootings at the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida that killed 17 people and began a nationwide student movement for gun control. It’s a fairly sobering and emotional doc, as you can imagine, especially since so little has been done to prevent incidents like this even two years later.

My favorite movie of the weekend is Jeremy Teicher’s OLYMPIC DREAMS ( IFC Films), opening at the IFC Center Friday. It stars Nick Kroll (who you’ll know from “The League,” “Oh, Hello” and other things) and (actual Olympian distance runner) Alexi Pappas, who you may or may not be as familiar with. Pappas plays Penelope, an American competitor in the 2018 Winter Olympics in South Korea, who is feeling lonely and unable to connect with others until she meets Kroll’s volunteer dentist, Ezra. While at first, it wouldn’t seem like they would have anything in common, they spend a night hanging out and while some might be expecting something romantic, since this is opening on Valentine’s Day, well I won’t ruin what does or doesn’t happen, k?  Either way, it’s a wonderful film co-written by Teichter, Pappas and Kroll, and if that sounds like a familiar formula, then it is indeed the one Richard Linklater used for his sequels to Before Sunrise with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. Olympic Dreams isn’t nearly as deep and philosophical (or wordy), but the two actors are so wonderful together, and they actually filmed this in the Athletes Village at the Olympics (the first film to do so) which adds some authenticity to the sweet little movie. (There will be a sneak preview Weds night at the IFC Center with Teicher, Kroll and Pappas all in attendance!)

Danish filmmaker Lone Scherfig returns with THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS (Vertical), a star-studded ensemble piece starring Zoe Kazan, Andrea Riseborough, Caleb Landry Jones, Jay Baruchel and Bill Nighy (who appeared in Lone’s previous film Their Finest). This is a New York City story about six strangers whose lives intersect and mingle while trying to find help, hope and love. I know it sounds like the Crash-style movie we’ve seen far too many times before, but I have faith in Ms. Scherfig and hopefully I’ll have a chance to watch it in the next day or two.

I also still haven’t gotten around to watching Kenji Tanagaki’s action-comedy ENTER THE FAT DRAGON (Go WELL USA), starring the always-amazing Donnie Yen as police officer Zhu, who is sent to Japan on a routine police escort of a suspect… who mysteriously dies, forcing Zhu to call upon a former undercover inspector to help solve the murder. I’m assuming the latter is the “Fat Dragon” and Yen didn’t gain 200 lbs. for the part.

Opening at the Quad Cinemaon Friday and in L.A. on Feb. 21 is Dimitri de Clercq’sFrench/Belgian film You Go to My Head (First Run Features) about an architect who finds a young woman lost, alone and in a fog in the Sahara after a mysterious accident, but when he takes her to the hospital, he claims to be her husband. As she gets better, he creates an elaborate life to fill in the life they shared which she can no longer remember. It also sounds perfect for Valentine’s Day, so you have plenty of options!

I didn’t have too much to say about Céline Sciamma’s PORTRAIT OF A LADY ON FIRE (NEON), because I think I wrote about it last year, and I haven’t seen the movie since the New York Film Festival. Set in the 18thCentury, it’s about a woman painter who travels to a remote island where she’s commissioned to do a painting of a grieving widow, who she ends up falling in love with. I probably should see the movie again as it didn’t really connect with me the first time, but I can totally understand why others love it so much. (Unfortunately, the 7:10 screening on Friday night at the Angelika with a QnA moderated by my pal, Valerie Complex, is already sold out!)

The second documentary in the last year about a man named “Cunningham” (a different one this time) is Mark Bozek’s The Times of Bill Cunningham (Greenwich) about the famed photographer who died in 2016… and whom I know even less about than I did dancer/choreographer Merce Cunningham. Apparently, he was a New York Timesphotographer for four decades and had a long relationship with First Lady Jackie Kennedy, and this doc is even narrated by Sarah Jessica Parker! It also opens at the Angelika and City Cinemas 1, 2 & 3, and maybe L.A.?

Due to the usual conflicts and circumstances, I wasn’t able to see Lisa Barros D'Sa and Glenn Leyburn’s Ordinary Love (Bleecker Street) as planned, but it’s an appropriately-timed romantic drama starring Liam Neeson and Lesley Manville as a middle-aged couple who must deal with her beast cancer diagnosis. I actually am interested in seeing this, especially to see Neeson back in serious drama mode (it’s been a while), so hopefully I’ll have a chance to see this down the road.

Also opening Friday is Tanya Wexler’s Buffaloed (Magnolia), starring Zoey Deutch as Peg Dahl, a young woman living in Buffalo, the debt collection capital of America but hopes to get out of town and into an Ivy League university. When she’s accepted to her top choice but can’t afford the tuition, she gets pulled into the rope of debt collection.  Also starring Judy Greer, Germaine Fowler, Noah Reid and Jai Courtney, it will open at New York’s Quad Cinema, the Loz Feliz 3 in L.A., Buffalo’s North Park Theater and more theaters.

Opening at the Quad Cinemaon Friday and in L.A. on Feb. 21 is Dimitri de Clercq’sFrench/Belgian film You Go to My Head (First Run Features) about an architect who finds a young woman lost, alone and in a fog in the Sahara after a mysterious accident, but when he takes her to the hospital, he claims to be her husband. As she gets better, he creates an elaborate life to fill in the life they shared which she can no longer remember. It also sounds perfect for Valentine’s Day, so you have plenty of options!

Another SXSW 2019 movie is Richard Wong’s Come As You Are (Samuel Goldwyn), starring Gabourey Sidibe, Grant Rosenmeyer, Ravi Patel, Hayden Szeto and Janeane Garofolo. The three guys in the middle play men with disabilities who go on a road trip to a Montreal brothel to get away from their suffocating parents. Sidibe (from Precious) plays their travelling nurse who drives them across the border to help them lose their virginity. This is an English remake of the Belgian Film Hasta La Vista about the real-life adventure of Asta Philpot.

Sara Zandieh’s indie rom-com A Simple Wedding (Blue Fox Entertainment) also opens in theaters and On Demand on Valentine’s Day, this one following an Iranian-American named Nousha (Tara Grammy) whose hopes for a Persian wedding are dashed when she falls for a bisexual artist/DJ named Alex (Christopher O’Shea). She has to make sure her parents don’t realize they’re living together before marriage. The film also stars Shohreh Aghdashloo, Rita Wilson, Maz Jobrani, Peter McKenzie and James Eckhouse.

LOCAL FESTIVALS

Some cool festivals and series in New York are happening this weekend to offer competition for all the choices above.

Let’s begin with the “Winter Showcase” for one of my favorite annual film festivals, the New York Asian Film Festivalsubtitled “Love at First Bite,” since they’re including a special Valentine’s Day screening of the Korean hit Extreme Job followed by a reception including delicious Korean food. The rest of the line-up is probably more appropriate for the rep section as it will including Asian classics like Stephen Chow’s God of Cookery (1996), Ang Lee’s Eat Drink Man Woman (1994),Tampopo (1985) on Saturday, as well as Ritesh Batra’s amazing The Lunchbox and more on Sunday.

Up at Film at Lincoln Center, there’s the annual “Neighboring Scenes,” the annual celebration of “New Latin American Cinema,” opening Friday with Joanna Reposi Garibaldi’s Lemebel, a documentary about writer/visual artist Pedro Lemebel and his controversial performances amidst Chilean upheaval. Of course, I’m most interested in the Brazilian offerings, but sadly, there just isn’t enough time in the day/week to see as many of the films in this series I’m curious about including the New York premiere of Ema from Chile’s Pablo Larrain (Neruda, Jackie). Click on the link above and check out that line-up.

Further North (in terms of global geography) but South (in terms of New York City geography) is this year’s “Canada Now” series, taking place at the IFC Center from Thursday through Sunday. It will kick off with Guest of Honor, the new film from Canada’s Atom Egoyan, starring David Thewlis and Laysla De Oliveira as father and music school teacher daughter whose lives become complicated when she’s put in prison for earlier crimes. There are seven other movies in this series, most of them getting their U.S. debuts, so that’s another alternative for what could be a busy movie-going weekend.

STREAMING AND CABLE

Lots of stuff premiering on streaming services this weekend including the British animated sequel A Shaun the Sheep: Farmageddon on Netflix, as well as the rom-com sequel To All the Boys: PS I Still Love You, which will premiere on Weds and may end up being the “Netflix and chill” choice for many young people on V-Day. (I honestly never got around to seeing the first movies of either of those yet!)

Over on Hulu, they’re premiering the gender-swapped series loosely based on Nick Horny’s High Fidelity, this one starring Zoe Kravitz, the daughter of Lisa Bonet, who appeared opposite John Cusack in Stephen Frears’ adaptation of Hornby’s book from 2000 that was one of my favorite movies that year! Wait a second, even though Kravitz plays a character named Rob, just like Cusack, is she meant to be the daughter of Cusack and Bonet’s characters in that movie? That would be intense! (But probably not. I’m sure I’ll check it out.)

REPERTORY

METROGRAPH (NYC):

The Metrograph’s Valentine’s Dayweekend offerings include Casablanca (1942), Howard Hawks’ 1944 film To Have and  Have Not, the 1932 film Trouble in Paradise, Douglas Sirk’s Written on the Wind (1956) and another screening of Makoto Shinkai’s animated Your Name. The “To Hong Kong with Love” series continues through the end of February, this weekend screening Yellowing (2016), which I haven’t seen.This weekend, the  Welcome To Metrograph: Reduxwill offer two more screenings of Edward Yang’s 4-hour 1991 film A Brighter Summer Day, while Late Nites at Metrograph  will screen Nagisa Oshima’s 1978 film Empire of Passion, also which I have never seen! Rounding out the weekend’s Asian offering is the Playtime: Family Matineesoffering of Yoshifumi Kondo’s 1995 animated film Whisper of the Heart, which guess what? I haven’t seen that either! Clearly, I need to try to get to one of the four movies, right?  

ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE BROOKLYN (NYC)

Tonight’s “Weird Wednesday” is the Susan Sarandon-James Spader romantic drama White Palace (1990). Oddly, the Alamo is CLOSED on Valentine’s Day.. is this true?!? On Sunday is a special “Drew Believers: Drew Barrymore Movie Marathon” with four of Barrymore’s movies in 35mm! (As of this writing, there are a few seats available near the front.) Monday’s “Fist City” is Sam Raimi’s The Quick and The Dead from 1995 and that’s quickly selling out as well. The “Terror Tuesday” is James Gunn’s hilarious Slither and then next week’s “Weird Wednesday” is the 1987 Ken Russell film Gothic.

THE NEW BEVERLY (L.A.):

Wednesday’s “Afternoon Classic” is the 1961 Oscar-winning musical West Side Story. Weds and Thursday night’s double feature is Robert Altman’s 1971 film McCabe & Mrs. Miller and Sydney Pollack’s 1972 film Jeremiah Johnson, starring Robert Redford. This week’s “Freaky Friday” offering is the classic The Bride of Frankenstein (1935, while Friday’s midnight movie is True Romanceand Saturday’s midnight is 1978’s Mean Dog Blues in 16mm! This weekend continues the “Kiddee Matinee” run with the Alfonso Cuaron-directed Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Monday’s matinee of David Lynch’s Wild at Heart is already sold out but that night is a Robert Clouse double feature of The Pack(1977) and Darker than Amber (1970). Tuesday’s Grindhouse double feature is 1976’s Sky Riders and 1981’s Force: Five.  

EGYPTIAN THEATRE (LA):

Thursday is a “Black Voices” double feature of Car Wash (1976) and Cooley High (1975) with guest including Bill Duke in person. John Sayles and Joe Dante will be on hand Friday night for a “John Sayles: Independent” double feature of Piranha (1978) and The Howling (1981). This weekend is the “HFPA Restoration Summit” including a Saturday afternoon presentation called “Serge Bromberg Presents from the Silent Era” with the Lobster Films founder, while the one and only Jane Fonda will be on-hand Saturday evening to present a 4k restoration of the 1972 film F.T.A., which she produced with Donald Sutherland. Saturday night is a screening of The Black Vampire, the 1953 Argentine adaptation of Fritz Lang’s M, and there’s more classic cinema on Sunday as part of the series.

AERO  (LA):

Thursday’s “Antiwar Cinema” matinee is Richard Attenborough’s Oh! What a Lovely War from 1969 with an all-star cast, while that night is a Eugene Levy/Christopher Guest double feature of A Might Windand For Your Consideration. The AERO is ALSO showing Casablancaon Valentine’s Day and then Saturday is another Levy/Guest double feature of Best in Show (2000)and Waiting for Guffman  (1996) with Levy doing a discussion between films. John Sayles and Frances McDormand will appear in person for a Sunday afternoon double feature of 1996’s Lone Star and 1999’s Limbo.

MUSEUM OF THE MOVING IMAGE (NYC):

MOMI is going a bit crazy with its Valentine’s offering but it’s a good one…Jane Fonda in 1968’s Barbarella as part of its new 2001-inspired series “See It Big! Outer Space”! (If MOMI wasn’t all the way in Astoria, I’d totally go.)  It will play again Sunday with Tarkovsky’s Solaris (1972) playing on Friday and Saturday and 1979’s Star Trek: The Motion Pictureon Sunday. Sunday will also be a repeat of Kubrick’s 1969 film 2001: A Space Odyssey in 70mm with a discussion before the movie between Doug Trumbull and Piers Bizony. There’s also the usual DCP screening of 2001on Saturday afternoon, as part of the exhibition. On Saturday, they’ll screen Marjane Satrapi’s excellent Persepolis(2007) as part of its “World of Animation.”

FILM FORUM (NYC):

Starting Friday, the Forum will be screening a DCP restoration of Luchino Visconti’s L’Innocente (1976), starring Giancarlo Giannini. This weekend’s “Film Forum Jr.” is Guys and Dolls from 1955, starring Marlon Brando, Jean Simmons and Frank Sinatra. (If you read this on Wednesday, you can catch Joseph Strick’s 1963 film The Balcony, starring Shelley Winters, Peter Falk and Lee Grant, in 35mm.

QUAD CINEMA (NYC):

The Quad’s run of Pandora and the Flying Dutchman continues through the weekend, and there will be Valentine’s Day screenings of Alex Cox’s Sid and Nancy on Thursday and Friday night. (How romantic!)

ANTHOLOGY FILM ARCHIVES (NYC):

The Anthology’s great “The Devil Probably: A Century of Satanic Panic” continues this weekend with screenings of Robert Eggers’ The Witch, Alan Parker’s Angel Heart, another screening of Rosemary’s Baby, as well as screenings of Race with the Devil on Weds. and Thursday night. I missed it last week but they’ve been showing Mark Rappaport’s 1975 film Mozart in Love the past week, as well.

ROXY CINEMA (NYC)

The Cage-athon continues Weds. with Neil Labute’s The Wicker Man (2006) and 2009’s Knowing on Thursday. Valentine’s Day sees screening of Baz Lurhmann’s Romeo + Juliet, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes, as well as the 1987 Nicolas Cage movie Moonstruck, co-starring Cher. Spike Jonez and Charlie Kaufman’s Adaptation (2003), starring Cage, repeats on Saturday.

NITEHAWK CINEMA  (NYC):

Williamsburg‘s “Uncaged” series continues Friday with last year’s Mandy at midnight and 1983’s Valley Girl on Saturday morning. Casabalanca is also playing at the Prospect Park on Thursday, and unrelated but Back to the Future will play there on Monday night. Billy Wilder’s 1954 film Sabrina, starring Bogart, Hepburn and Holden will play on Saturay morning.

IFC CENTER (NYC)

Weekend Classics: Luis Buñuel is back with Belle de Jour from 1967, starring Catherine Deneuve.  Waverly Midnights: Hindsight is 2020 will screen the animated Ghost in the Shell, while Late Night Favorites: Winter 2020 will also go with an Anime film, Paprika.

MOMA  (NYC):

Modern Matinees: Jack Lemmon is off Weds. and Thursday but will return Friday with Billy Wilder’s Irma La Douce (1963).

BAM CINEMATEK (NYC):

BAM will continue to show Horace Jenkins’ 1982 film Cane River through the weekend.

Next week, the second to last week of February (man, it flew right by!) will include Fox’s The Call of the Wild, starring Harrison Ford, and the horror sequel, Brahms: The Boy II.

[onceuponamirror]

Love love love your takes on the cast's fashion! I'd be curious what your rankings would be for the *characters* outfits as well if you felt like mulling that over at all?

sure!! i don’t quite love the character’s outfits as much bc they’re generally not my personal style, but i do like certain looks for sure. just gonna do top ten though! and i took most images from @riverdaleclothing​ and @riverdalefashion​ bc combing for screenshots was a disaster. and this is more about individual clothing pieces i liked than overall looks, in the end?

10. veronica in 2.08

i really like this look for V because it was just so rare to see her in a print! i love her aggressive use of collars and bows but this was a cute dress that was a little different but very her. 

9. valerie in 1.08

this pic doesn’t do it justice at all, but i love metallic velvet + a mini skirt. SUCH a cute look! and something i’d wear bc ngl i have a metallic silver shirt like this.

val also had a great look in 1.04 or 5 where she’s wearing a cool leather jacket with a little yellow shirt and a two-string choker and it looks SO cool. but i could not get a good pic of it, so i gave up. but val always dresses great on this show. i miss her. come back, val! 

8. veronica in 2.16

like, not something i personally would ever want to wear, but this look is just SO good for veronica. the skirt looked banging and the color was great on her, and she was wearing it with a cute scalloped sweater that i really liked! 

7. betty in 2.10

i love this play on a trench coat for betty. it’s modern but has the aesthetic nod—perfect for the updated nancy yanno

6. jug in 1.09

this is one of my top jug looks. it just fit him really well and looked so cozy—and i always noticed that in the scenes where jughead is being vulnerable with betty in s1, he was just wearing a single sweater? he’d stripped down a lot of his layers. y’all notice that? this was one of my fav scenes and fav looks for that reason. 

4. veronica in 2.05

i could NOT find a good pic of this dress, so i went and took a screenshot. apparently the costume dept made it for her—this reminds me a lot of cami’s red valentino dress for comic con, thus why i still love it here for the same reasons.

4. betty in 2.07

instinctually i have latently annoyed opinions with betty as a serpent/mixed feelings about this jacket probably getting a snake patch, but this pink leather jacket was SO cute on her! 

and a jacket can still be a jacket, lmao. i would personally probably wear this, though i’ve never quite found a leather motorcycle-style jacket that i feel works for me. i would like to try on one like this. 

3. cheryl in….multiple episodes, including when she burned her house down

i just love these for her. how perfect, how quintessential, and what a nice nod through costume design, yanno?

2. betty in 2.20

bruh this is just so cute for betty. i know it’s a letterman jacket but like—the milkshake, the bow! the play on expectations. i really like it for her. and i just like it in general, i think it’s cute as a jacket. 

1. cheryl in 2.06

y’all i LOVE this jacket. i would wear the FUCK out of this jacket. i stared at it online for a while, kept it as an open tab. it was way too much money, but i genuinely thought about it. this is all kinds of cool man and has been one of the first times i’ve seen something on this show and been like I WANT

particularly in the way it’s styled on the right—white shirt, blue jeans, boots? hell ya

BONUS:

(gotta throw an extra one out for the hotties)

honest to god, jordan/sweet pea wears the fuck out of that leather jacket. they should’ve given a clunkier, wider-set style to cole tbh, i really don’t like the jacket he wears. but this one seems just worn enough and has a nice vintage feel and looks, uh, HOT

*wolf whistles* 

[cultofthepigeon]

You Have all Brought My Wrath Down Upon You So Here Is a Mini Fic Where Conner Detroit Get’s a Tattoo

Nearly 4k words. I hope you’re all happy. You did this.

(also thank you @miss-perkey for giving me a general idea for a fic thnk u)

Letting Conner come live with him had been a mistake.

Now, Hank knew there were some benefits of course. Conner seemed to enjoy his company and having him around was...pleasant. He always made sure to remind Hank to take his medication and make it to his therapist appointments. He had a habit of cleaning up around the house even when Hank told him not to. When Hank got drunk he had someone to rant to. It was pretty entertaining to introduce Conner to the best music, movies, and comic books he could. And Conner was also super useful whenever Sumo took a shit in the house.

But it had still been a super fucking stupid idea and a mistake.

“You’ve gained 2.3 pounds since last week Lieutenant.” Conner said as Hank exited the bathroom.

Fresh out of the shower and still mentally mellow from the steamy relaxation, the statement had immediately knocked him out of his very very rare moment of peacefulness.

“Fuck off.” he groaned back immediately. It was probably muffled from the towel over his face.

“Its understandable,” Conner said matter of-factly, the fucker. “You’ve been eating more icecream than usual.”

“I’m going to eat more now.” Hank replied rubbing his face. “For the simple fact I know you will never be able to experience the joyous sensation of butternut pecan and whipped cream.”

He pulled the towel down and wrapped it over his shoulders. Through his mess of damp hair he could see Conner, who was sat on the couch watching Reservoir Dogs with Sumo, just where he’d left him.

“There’s no shame in gaining weight Lieutenant,” he said looking back. “Especially at your age.”

“But?” Hank sighed.

“But aren’t you worried about damaging your tattoo?”

Hank blinked, looking down at the tattoo across his chest. The old Saint Exodus of the Unholy Crucible tattoo. The black lines moved up and down with his breath, the distorted profile of some lost holy man in cameo. Though a little scared up and hidden under some grey chest haired, it still looked as cool as when he’d first gotten it.

“The hell you mean damage my tattoo?”

“It’s a lovely piece of art.” Connor replied “But if you gain too much weight your skin will stretch and ruin it.”

Well....damn he did have a point.

“My skin ain’t any of your business.”

“I suppose you’re right.” Connor shrugged. “But it is nice.”

He turned back to the tv.

“Is Mr. Orange the informant?”

“Fuck off!”

Hank got himself dressed in his comfiest pair of boxers and his least smelly robe before heading to the kitchen. He made sure to make eye contact with Conner while scooping out an extra spoonfull and emptying half the whipped cream can on top.

He walked to the couch, shooing Sumo who seememd to think the icecream was for him.

“I’ve been meaning to ask-”

“Oh boy-” Hank said plopping down next to him.

“When did you get your tattoo?”

“What this one?” he said looking down at his chest again.

“Damn I dunno. Pretty sure it’s one of the first I got. Back when I was still a beat cop I think. Pricey piece of work but I had the money and no impulse control so...”

Connor nodded.

“Why?”

“I was just curious.”

Hank squinted, trying to discern something in his face. But he was wearing the Neutral Face of Nothingness that he put on whenever e tried to hide something. So he might s well have been staring a store front mannequin.

Hank shoved a spoonful of icecream in his mouth and went back to watching the movie.

@@@

“When did you get that one?” Conner asked.

He had asked as Hank was leaned half way over his desk, attempting to reach the coffee maker on the other side of the partition, a bagel shoved in his mouth, and a a sneeze trying to make its way out of his nose. Hank froze, unsure which of these things to focus on first.

“The tattoo on your arm.”

He looked. The tattoo on is right arm was indeed visible.

He bit into his bagel, the rest of it dropping onto Conner’s desk as he continued his reach for coffee. The sneeze subsided as he talked with a full mouth.

“I don’t know. In my twenties maybe?” he sat back down and began looking it over. He’d have to say it was his favorite one of the bunch. It’s why he’d had it put on his arm where he could look at it whenever he liked. He grabbed his coffee and sat back in his seat. “This one was my first one ever.”

“Does it represent anything?”

“Why?”

“I’ve researched tattoos recently. A lot of people get them to symbolize something important in their life, or a significant event.”

Hank laughed. Of course he had researched tattoos.

Connor was fiddling with the coin again. Well, not the coin, but a coin. A sign that he was up to something. Hank sipped at his drink, taking a few seconds to think.

Alright. He’d bite.

“Matter of fact it dose. Got it after I cracked my first case.”

The tat was done in the style of old sailor ink. With dulled colors and faded lines. A simple skull, cracked along the left side, surrounded by on all sides by blood splattered violet gladiolas.

A scroll along the top read “Brutal” The scroll along the bottom read “S.O.B.”

He looked over at Connor. He was leaning forward on his desk, hands folded under his chin, big stupid eyes egging him on.

Hank sighed. Hell, it was a good story.

“Me and my partner had been tracking this scum bag for months.” he began  “Big burly mother fucker who’d gone on a rampage robbing old folks. Beatin em into comas n shit then dumping the money and jewelry into the river for shits and giggles. You know, real super villain shit.” 

He flexed his arm and watch the skull move. 

“We eventually caught him in a fucking designer flower farm of all places. Sort of place where rich folks get their bouquets and corsages cause the plants are extinct everywhere else. Turns out he was the son of the owner.”

“Well we corner him in one of the gladiola fields,” he continued.  “My partner, Rex, he goes in to cuff him, but the bastard spins around and knocks him on his ass. So then of course he takes off running and I gotta go after him. And Rex is right behind me with a broken nose and two black eyes screamin and squackin at me aahhh wait for back up ahh officers on their way. But I’m young and stupid so, you now, I don’t.”

He took another sip of coffee for dramatic effct

“So we get all the way to the other side of the damn building, must be three-fourths of a mile away. Still nothing but gladiolas as far as I can see. The guy’s out of breath and so am I. He’s bent over hacking and trying to catch his breath. I start re-reading him his rights but only get half of em out cause I’m probably about to puke blood. Go in for the handcuff and”

He smacked his fist into his hand, a little coffee spilling as he did.

“Bam. Fucker nails me square in the head with a trowel. And I don’t got any time to think because, fuck me I’m already too tired for this shit. So I tackle him and start wailing on him. Just boom boom right after the other. It’s just a blur of red and I can hardly see straight. Whole time all I’m thinking is “fuck this guy’.”

“By the time back up arrives I can barely recognize him. Rex gives me an alibi and all that shit of course, self-defense. But as the guy’s getting hauled away I hear him yellin and screaming kicking up a fuss. And I just see him turn to me and scream ‘ Brutal son of a bitch!’”

“And it’s not until just then, when I’ve got half the fucking squad starring at me bug eyed and mouths open I realize.” he reached up and poked at the left side of his skull. He could still feel the indent after all those years.

“The fucker actually managed to lodge the trowel in my head. Didn’t get all the way, thank fuck, but it got far enough in it was stickin out of me like a novelty arrow headband.”

He smiled down at it. Good times.

“So you know,” he motioned at his arm. “Tattoo.”

Connor sat up, smile on his face.

“Impressive Lieutenant. I imagine most people would commemorate such an achievement. Medically speaking of course.”

Hank snorted, going back to his drink.

“So what’s got you so interested in ink lately Connor?”

He didn’t reply, the LED on his head sinning bright yellow as he thought. He was one of the few androids who Hank knew who still kept his installed. He wasn’t sure why. They didn’t seem to have a purpose besides being fancy moodrings.

“I’m not sure. I’ve just been noticing them more often lately. I think it’s a very...distinctive thing that humans do. To go through all that trouble and pain just to add art to your bodies.”

“That’s one way to look at it.”

Connor nodded.

“Well you can change your appearance too can’t you?” Hank asked. “You guys personalize your looks all the time.”

“Androids can change small things about themselves.” Connor said looking down at himself  “Skin, eyes, hair.”

Hank flashed back to the hour long discussion in which Connor had explained how android hair worked. He still had nightmares about it.

“But tattoos are more...personal. They’re not something pre-programmed into our systems by someone else. And they’re a little more difficult to do. Not many people know how to tattoo androids.”

Hank reached over for the rest of his bagel, taking an contemplative bite as he thought over his partner’s words.

“But it’s not impossible, is it?”

“No.” Connor said, suspiciously avoiding eye contact. “Specialists can be found if you know where to look.”

“Conner....” he said lowly “are you thinking about getting a tattoo?”

“Maybe.” Connor said with a small, but unhidden smile

Hank grinned.

@@@

A month later and the two were sitting outside of a shop called Lead Poisoning.

“You sure about this?” Hank said, arms crossed, eyes squinting as he looked over the small store front. Nothing but a heavy black door and a pitch black window with a few digitized designs crossing the screen.

“Of course I am.” he replied, looking to him. “Why? Regretting some of your own?”

Hank thought of the ”Your Name Here” heart tattoo on his left asscheek.

“No. It’s just, you know, long life span and no known removal technique. You make an embarrassing mistake in there it’s a lot more permanent for you than it is for me.”

“I’m aware.” Connor said stepping towards the door. “But unlike you I also possess state of the art critical thinking programming.”

Hank belted out a laugh and followed his partner into the parlor.

“Ms. Eribium?” Conner called as they passed through a layer of heavy curtains into the black lit room that made up the shop. There was a small chair and a stool in the corner. The walls occupied by various drawings and etchings of the artist’s work. Otherwise empty, but still cramped.

“Mr. Conner.” came a voice from the backroom.

Now, it’d been a good two years since the revolution. While the rest of the country was struggling with android emancipation, Detroit was dealing with the tensions between humans and their recently freed neighbors. Emotions were still high. A lot of laws were still actively anti-android and plenty of humans were taking advantage of them. And plenty of androids were on edge, looking for any reason to enact vengeance on their former slave masters.

Out of the strain a new trend had recently developed amongst the more creative bots. Extreme exoskeleton modification. A trend of actively attempting to look less human. The permanent removal of skin and hair textures, the addition of extra body parts, surrealist robotic configurations grafted onto intentionally scratched up plating. Anything to look less like their creators and former masters. An act of visual defiance in a human-centric world.

It made Hank’s old punk heart swell.

But coming face to face with one such an android also made his old man heart half jump out of his chest.

Eribium stepped out from the back room. She...he...it? had to stoop to come through. A six foot, their head practically scraped the ceiling as they straightened. A skinless android. No hair. No jaw. Eyes, all three of them, a deep red. They had had two additional arms added to their torso, each of them colored with various deep set etchings of code and android endoskeletons.

Eribium tilted their head. They seemed to be holding some sort of welding tool in one hand. When their eyes locked onto Hank, they squeezed the trigger, causing blue to spark from the nozzle.  Their eyes squinted in distrust.

Conner held out his hand with a smile. Eribium took it in two of theirs.

“A pleasure to to meet you Ms. Eribium.”

“Please Connor, just Eribium. I would not ask formality from you.”

“Its no formality, just a mutual respect.”

They let out something of a laugh. Their voice distorted by a heavily altered modulator. They sounded more like static and crickets than a, well, human.

The android seemed to notice Hank noticing, turning to him again.

“I didn’t know you would be bringing a guest.”

Connor turned to Hank. The look on his face was one of jittery excitement that was completely devoid of noticing an awkward situation.

“Ah yes. This is Lieutenant Hank Anderson, a friend of mine. He came for moral support.”

Well, mostly he’d come cause he’d thought it’d be funny to watch Conner squirm through the pain of a tattoo. But he wasn’t going to say that in front of them.

“Does a android such as yourself need support?” they inquired, ignoring Hank.

Conner had a lot of sway in the community. Hell the guy was practically a poster boy for android-human relations at this point. But his popularity could only get him so far. Hank saw where this was going.

“I just wanted to make sure he didn’t chicken out,” Hank said raising his hands. “But now that he’s been safely placed in your capable hands. All four of them. I think I’ll wait outside.”

He was already out the door before Connor could say anything to dig him further into the mess. “Try not to bang him up too much!” 

@@@

The wait was exactly three and a half hours.

Hank would have been pissed, but somewhere around the 83rd minute mark he’ fallen asleep in his car and had managed to get a good nap in. He’d had a dream where Sumo was assisting him on his latest case. It was nice.

So of course it was only during the part where Sumo was attacking an old timey mask wearing bandit, that Conner tapped on the glass to wake him up.

He blinked up at Conner, who was smiling and waving at him.

“I’m done.”

“Yeah about time.” Hank yawned. He pulled his seat up and unlocked the doors, watching Conner move around to the passenger side.

“I don’t know why you insisted on leaving. Eribium is quite the fascinating fellow.”

“Uh-huh I’m sure. You ask how thy’re able to skin a man alive just by looking at them?”

“They didn’t dislike you that much.”

“Yeah yeah whatever. Let’s take a look at it.”

“At what?”

“Oh well at your baby-like dimples of course.” he replied with the fakest smile he could manage while still half asleep.

“My what?”

“The tattoo dummy let me see the tattoo!” Hank said looking him up and down. “Where is it?”

“You can’t see it right now.” Connor said leaning away.

“What do you mean I can’t-” he froze.

“Oh my god Conner did you get a tattoo on your-”

“I got the tattoo on my upper right bicep Lieutenant.” he cut him off. “You’ll get to see it eventually but I was very clearly instructed to keep direct sunlight off of it for at least two weeks.”

“What? But you’re an android why would it need to be kept out of the sun?”

“The process may be different but it still needs time to properly set.” Connor said adjusting the right shoulder of his jacket.

“You’re serious?”

Connor said nothing, patiently making eye contact and waiting for the ravages of time to erode Hank’s will.

Hank huffed, crossing his arms.

“Whatever. You got any other place to be right now?”

“Not really no.”

“Good, we’re getting icecream”

@@@

Department cookouts were the absolute fucking worst and Hank hated them. Having to spend time with his work associates on his day off. False pleasantries and trying to find any sort of common ground outside of work. Trying not to fight with the likes of Gavin. Shmoozing with a bunch of would be fundraising assholes who wouldn’t give them the time of day otherwise. It was stupid, sick, and a waste of fucking time.

If it wasn’t for the free burgers, one of which Hank was currently shoving into his mouth, he would never come to these dumb things.

He was sat in the shade of the arbor, sitting back and looking over the skyline of Detroit. What was visible through the smog. Who the hell had a company cookout at a rooftop restaurant anyways? Fancy restaurant and cookout were two very different sides of the dining experience.

Hank bit into his burger, the wind tossing around his Hawaiian shirt and shoving his own hair into his mouth. 

He sighed.

Looking around the space, he let his eyes lock onto people one at a time. Not engaged by them but at least entertained by them. People watching for lack of anything else to do. He just had to make it til 4pm, he told himself. Then he’d have spent enough time around these shmucks to count as socializing and he could go home and blast Jazz until he forgot all societal constructs.

Eventually he caught sight of Connor. He was smiling but his eyes were shifting in the way they did when he wasn’t sure about the social situation. Good, he wasn’t having a good time either. The two people with him were motioning to his shoulder excitedly getting up in his personal space and at least one of them whipping out their phone for a picture.

Hank squinted

Connor had one of his shirt sleeve’s rolled up.

Connor must have spotted him, because his face immediately lit up with the expression of Oh Would You Look At That My Friend Is Over There I Have To Talk To Him Now So Sorry Goodbye.

He began making his way over to him, making goofy looking smiles and gestures to people he wanted to avoid talking to. It was always nice to see Connor doing something he actually sucked at. He was like a majestic clinically embarrassing ugly duckling. A good change of pace.

“The hell you doing over there?” Hank asked as he approached.

“Lieutenant!”

“Yes?”

“There you are.”

“Yes??”

Connor sat down next to him with a big stupid smile.

“What?”

“I forgot to tell you!” Connor said. “I was going to this morning when we were getting ready but then you broke the toaster so-”

He trailed off, turning around and rolling his sleeve further up his arm.

Hank’s eyes widened. 

There was Connor’s first ever tattoo. Done in the old sailor style. The center image framed with splashes of deep blue blood on yellow LED. A scroll of text above and below it. At the center was an explosion of vivid orange and robins egg blue. The eyes stylized into large black marbles while it’s fins and feelers twirled around it in mesmerizing pattern. All at once simple but organic.

“A fish?” Hank said mouth dropping open.

“A gourami to be precise.” Conner said smiling down at it. “They’re a freshwater fish native to South East Asia.”

Hank pasued.

“A fish??”

“You seem disappointed.” Connor’s face dropped at bit. 

“Oh no it’s not that,” he replied quickly. “ It just, I don’t know. Maybe I’m projecting my own style here but I thought you’d go for something more work related. Like a gun or something. Or maybe some code that translates into a list of your favorite bits of evidence to shove into your mouth.”

“I did consider it.” Connor said looking back down at it. 

Hank watched as he raised his hand and place two gentle fingers against his own skin. The human texture faded, giving way to sheer white metal and plastic. All of the dressing that made Connor look human, giving away to the android underneath. But the fish remained.

“But you then I remembered your first tattoo. You got it because it represented something.”

Hank looked down at it. Watching the bright glimmer of glee in his partner’s eye, arm still turned to his partner. He was proud. And damn it, Hank felt the rising warmth of pride in his own chest too.

“Well then?

“Hm?”

“What is it. What’s the meaning?”

Connor’s smile grew.

“It was back before the revolution,” he said. “The first ever assignment I was placed on. A little girl had been taken hostage and...”

He paused. His LED going yellow, just like the one on his shoulder.

“In the apartment, the fish tank was near the entrance. I don’t know how but... one of the family’s gouramis had jumped out of it’s tank and landed on the floor.”

“And?” Hank pressed.

“And...I put it back.”

He smiled up at his partner.

Hank tapped his fingers against their shared seat.

“I don’t get it.”

Connor looked down at it again.

“It was...it was the first time I ever showed deviant behavior.” he ran his finger over it. 

Hank watched. He didn’t know what to say.

“It’s been a few years now and I still catch myself thinking about it sometimes. I guess, every android from back then probably does. Thinking and guessing. Wondering about when they stopped being a machine.”

Hank re-read the text above and below the fish.

Deviant S.O.B.

Well shit if that wasn’t him.

Connor looked up at himagain. His LED had stopped spinning yellow. Now is straight determined blue again.

“So you know. Tattoo.”

Hank bit his lip, looking down at his own feet. He tried to hold it together, for his partner’s sake. But eventually his stomach gave in and he felt himself keel over in laughter.

“What?”

“Nothing nothing” Hank gasped, trying to catch air. “It’s just...You saved a fish in the middle of a hostage situation. That’s just...that’s peak Connor honestly.”

Hank threw his hand around his partner’s shoulder as he laughed, dragging the idiot into a hug.

“Don’t ever change Connor.” he said ruffling up his hair.

He felt Connor smile into his chest, holding back his own laughter as he struggled to escape Hank’s grip. 

“Looks like Chris just showed up,” Hank said, noticing one of the few people in the department he liked walk in with a plate of cookies and slowly realize he hadn’t been expected to bring anything.

“Come on, let’s go show it off around here huh?”

Connor finally escaped, straightening his hair and tie as he looked.

“Lead the way Lieutenant”