#YOU CAN'T EVEN DO YOUR FUCKING JOB
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it’s not that I’m counting down the hours until the boss is on vacation and then I’m off for 10 days but I’m counting down the hours because this is some Bullshit™
#micky speaks#YELLS INTO THE VOID#took a sick day friday because I was just Fried#like stick a fork in me I'm done#and came back and I haven't been able to finish the stupid statement of facts because phone keeps ringing#and other shit keeps popping up#and receptionist came in this afternoon like 'hey so just wanted to make sure you were aware but...'#like shut up we got this lecture last week you're literally way late to the game#and also in no position to be lecturing on how to label files correctly#YOU CAN'T EVEN DO YOUR FUCKING JOB#can't quit without another job in place but you bet I'm looking for a new job first of the year
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im being so so brave but also i am gripping you by the shoulders and leaning in and letting you know i am so tired of being brave
#my job has invented new and even more agonizing ways to make itself stressful to endure#and that isn't even counting the fact that i've now seriously fucked up my wrist transporting 30lb boxes up and down stairs#or the fact that i occasionally get piercing shoulder pains if i'm not super careful about how i use the hand truck#or the fact that whenever i come home on mondays my entire lower body is so sore that i can't move beyond a weak shuffle#it's the fact that my boss has no sense of organization#so my supervisor and i are basically salvaging or starting from scratch every week#it's the fact that some of our clients are asking for things we're not even contracted to provide#like access to our company materials or additional resources outside of our scheduled bookings#and that there's this constant looming threat of 'ohhh don't be bad at your job!! or else we'll lose our contract with these people!!'#but 'bad at your job' in this case means 'not bending over backwards to accommodate the least accommodating circumstances possible'#like 'hey you need to lead this training exercise meant for 20 people except actually you only have 4 people'#'and actually none of them are familiar with the prerequisites for this training or have any experience with the skills'#'and also none of them want to be there and half of them just Don't Do These Things as a rule'#'and if you try to make them do anything they don't want to do (even if it's literally the point of the training) they Will leave'#'and then we will no longer have enough clients to pay you'#like. what am i doing. this company was not designed to work with this format. we're not an arts and crafts group or a club meeting#hi so i wrote this post before starting weekend work prep#it has been 3 hours now#im still not done#i haven't eaten and my wrist hurts so bad#i need to.................. take a break................................
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all the while society conflates "being an adult" with "having a proper job" and "having money to make arbitrary Adult Purchases" disabled people who can't work - or can only work part time or can only do entry level baby jobs - will never be 'allowed' to be adults
you can say "being an adult is looking after yourself you don't have to have a job!!!" all you want but most people who say that will still assume anybody who doesn't either can't or won't 'look after themselves' actually. and every 'marker' of 'adulthood' that's observable and thus actually counts or whatever loops back around to... having a job and 'contributing' something
#yeah i have netflix on all day#i am quite literally signed off of work for the -rest of my life-#what the fuck else would you like me to do with my time when most people are in fact at work#or did you think i can't have the tv on and put laundry away at the same time or something#must i work on commissions on silence in a dour room to be perceived as an adult#anyway 'looking after yourself/your home/your pet' is not observable#to anybody who doesn't like ACTUALLY live in your house#unless you are extremely obviously NOT doing it#if a tree falls in a forest etc#owning a house? job. like not even 'in this economy? lol'#disabled people LITERALLY can't because we aren't allowed to have enough savings for a deposit#car? would you honestly trust me with a vehicle lol but also: job#you mostly cannot buy a car without one it's a requirement for the lease#otherwise you aren't 'trusted' to pay it on time#incidentally most landlords will also - perfectly legally - refuse to rent to you because you are going to be unreliable with the rent#which is being paid directly by the gov anyway like take your trust issues up with them bro#a family? if i get married or cohabit with a partner my income gets sliced in half#so to support even myself let alone a child would require. drumroll please. employment#savings? adults have savings right? yeah but unlike you i have a gov enforced cap on mine#'good furniture not shit from ikea' (someone has remarked that ikea furniture is 'college dorm-y' it's going here)#i mean do i have to say it
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the post grad why did i get an art degree what am i even doing what do i want in life where am i going crisis has finally hit i want to. lie down in the dirt. or something
#WHAT AM I DOING!!!!#i get up i go to my stupid retail job i stick labels on bags they pay me fucking thirteen bucks an hour i come home i lie on the couch#too tired to draw in too much pain to go anywhere no energy to reach out to college friends to do anything fun#no idea where the even start with getting an industry job no clue what i even WANT at this point#trying to remember what i loved so much about comics i want it BACK i HATE this#WHAT IS THE POINT!!!! WHAT DO I WANT WHERE AM I GOING!!! WHAT COMES NEXT!!!!!!#there's no clear career trajectory i can't do freelance i need structure i can't work too much i need free time#my brain doesn't work every job requires me to move across the country the irs just took fucking three hundred stupid dollars from me#my friends live in different states i can't get a job without experience i can't get experience without a job#i can't work on my portfolio with no energy and no time and i dont have any money and everything is so expensive all the time#i can't get anywhere bc i dont drive and im too stressed to think about taking driving lessons again#and WHAT DO I WANT!#THE MOST INTERESTING THING I DO EVERY WEEK IS GO TO PHYSICAL THERAPY!#I AM EXCITED EVERY WEEK FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!#anyway WHATEVER i need to go to bed#delete later#i got into spx. today. so. had to have a crisis about how i felt when i attended spx (energized. excited. a part of something. ambitious)#versus how i feel now (tired. unmotivated. kind of apathetic about art. disconnected)#i dont miss the stress of school but i miss being around other artists. ppl who speak your language and who want the same things you want#ppl who are excited abut art and that makes YOU excited about art. ppl who get you#i miss that i want that back#whatever. its 1am i gotta go shower i have an 8.5 hour shift tomorrow. wahoo. $13.50/hr lets go
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next month me and my grandma are going to visit my godfather who lives in Spain, but instead of being excited (it's gonna be my second time abroad in my life) I'm anxious af, because even though I'm an adult I live with my parents and I need to tell my father about it. normal parents would - y'know - be happy that their children have opportunity to visit another country, but instead he's gonna be insufferable about it, because it's my mom's side of family and he despises my uncle. but what is he gonna do? kick me out of the house even though he promised that as long as I'm studying or working I don't need to worry about such thing, humiliate me as usual, tell me that I'm childish and spoiled or make my mom's life a living hell again? I'm aware of the fact that the longer I'm putting it off the worse his reaction is gonna be, but I'm just not mentally able to tell him that, because I don't know how he will react. I don't need any money from him, I don't have to use my phone during this trip (I dunno how the roaming and stuff work), I just want to be sure he's gonna behave like a proper human being towards my mom and my siblings when I won't be at home and not act like a total asshole while talking with me about it.
#i know that at my age i should be more mature and handle such situations better but as long as he's the way he is it's impossible#why can't both my parents be normal#and the fact that i wasn't able to get any summer job this year isn't making it any better because i know it's gonna be one of his argument#(czaicie to że nawet do żabki mnie nie chcieli. dosłownie emotional i brain damage)#'you didn't work so from where do you get the money for that'#don't worry definitely not from you because you can't even pay for my monthly train ticket to college#and at the same time have the audacity to call me dumb for commuting there instead of living in that city#while knowing that neither me nor mom can afford renting anything without your help#(okay i'm a bit exaggerating in my mom's case but she earns much less than him and he still makes problems with literally anything#even buying food even though he's in a very good financial situation and there are times when my mom has to make everything work all alone#because he's getting mad at her out of nowhere and only pays the bills that fortunately aren't that bad in our case)#(and unfortunately the bills include my telephone subscribtion because all of our numbers are in some kind of special offer where you pay#much less for one number when they're registered for one person so it's another problem in this situation because when i offered paying for#mine he refused and probably it'll be his another argument for becoming mad that i dare to spend time with the part of family that cares#about me unlike majority of his relatives)#i hope that at least when academic year starts i'll be able to get any part-time job on the weekends so i can save up more money#although i'm not sure if i'm gonna move out in the nearest future. i mean he's fucking insufferable and toxic but i just can't leave my mom#and especially siblings there even though i can't even fucking protect them from literally anything. at this point i'm just powerless.#there are times when he tries to change for the better but then he starts creating problems on purpose and everything is coming full circle#and the sole thought that my little siblings would tell me that i just ran away from this problem is fucking killing me.#niedziela wieczór i humor niegituwa. zawsze kurwa kurwa coś.#chuj idę słuchać myslovitz#pau.txt
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I know I haven't said much about it, but legitimately, "running away" was one of the most pivotal life decisions I've ever made. Probably THE first major life decision I've made, and also the best. If you have an opportunity to go, leave. Get out of there. If you are not safe at home, emotionally, physically, whatever, and you're able to leave, do it. It's going to suck such major ass for a while because you're going to have to deal with the scars they've left on you, but I wholeheartedly, full-throatedly, with-my-chest promise you that it is going to be better. You're going to be better. If you have the privilege of being able to escape, no matter how difficult it feels, then RUN.
#whatever you leave behind is not your responsibility. sometimes you're gonna have a fucked relationship with the siblings you 'abandoned'#but they have to understand that you had to leave. and that you were actively fighting to take them with you the entire time#it's okay to be selfish. you need to be selfish to start to recover.#if you have to be homeless please look up and do your research on local resources first. plan things out.#i was lucky enough to have family who'd been waiting years and years for this moment to happen#if you can go and have your college dorm as a safe haven then absolutely take that chance#if you can go and rent an apartment with the money from your job then take that chance#plan shit. do it. even if your brain fights you. you do not want to be out there without proper precautions or else you could end up-#-seriously fucked over.#also i know i'm encouraging people to get out but in equal measure:#if it isn't safe to leave you are not lesser for staying.#if it's winter and you can't be out there alone you are not complicit in your own abuse yk?#if you have family you CANNOT leave behind like extremely young siblings then you are not at fault for staying.#i was lucky enough to be able to leave quickly and (relatively) painlessly and i'm aware that not everybody can do that#sometimes staying IS the better choice. but that's a choice YOU have to make not me#assess your situation properly. are you staying for your own safety or because you're scared?#etc etc. obviously take all of this with a grain of salt i don't have all the life experience in the world just what little i have#also: prepaid phones are a godsend. MRIs. canned food. make sure to have first aid kits if needed. plan ahead. have a stash somewhere safe#rox rumblings#me things
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"other countries have poor people but worse, don't speak usamerican" fuck you actually. Shiver in my freezing ass cockroach infested poisoned water mold ladened lead paint flaking ass apartment with me. "At least you're not the REAL poor or getting bombed or whatever" repeat what you said back slowly and then jump into the poisioned river down my street. Starve with me. Bitch.
#Big difference between us centricism and BEING A POOR PERSON AND TALKING ABOUT IT Jesus christ#You are a tar pit.#☠️#'Solidarity but for only if you're suffering in the right country in the correct way' go to hell.#'homeless and poor people in the US benefit from imperialism' in the abstract yes but also do you FUCKING HEAR YOURSELF#Are you fucking insane#If your big ideologal stance is really 'not being bombed is a privilege and it's even MORE of one if you're in a Bad Country'#we are past the point of no return.#Also I'm gonna say it but just because the us found a way to profit off of queer people and claims they won't hate crime them#Doesn't mean it's not more or less illegal to be queer here I can't. Stress enough. If you can't rent an apartment#or hold a job because you're queer. That's just a slow winter or summer death here. You know but you refuse to actually understand.#I don't need your compassion it doesn't matter to me that much. I have real problems to deal with.#But again. You're a fucking tar pit. Hope your soul never finds rest.
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wow who would've thought having the rightwing parties in power in this god's forsaken municipality would be a bad thing...who could've possibly seen this coming....... there's just no way anyone could've known that they would fuck every single one of us in every way imaginable..........
#I'm really mad about the state of things#they're cutting EVERYTHING. the library? cut. schools? shutting down. nurseries? shitting down. health care? in crisis.#things are literally so bad right now idk how I'm even supposed to survive here?? they're fucking it all so bad and for what exactly???#i hate you so much høyre frp and venstre ❤️#''omg we care sooo much about the mental health of men🥺🥺 you guys on the left just totally ignore MEN''#-> proceeds to shut down every institution for mental health and rehabilitation they possibly can#the next election can't come soon enough‚ i hope everyone gets their heads out of their asses and votes red.#like these IDIOTS couldn't do a worse job if they tried#last time we had the red parties in power rhings sucked a bit but at least you could get cancer treatment. and send your kids to school.
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this is a post scribbled angrily in glitter pen in my diary pls ignore <3
#this is so insecure and bullshit but like#sometimes writing fics is. no fun#bc you feel like you can't keep up with other writers just churning out fics and they're all so good and nuanced and better than yours#or bc you can't keep up with your own brain and all the ideas and you don't have the time to do them all justice#or bc you just can't get a spark of a conversation with other fans to catch fire the way you want to so you're just.#spinning wheels in your own head wishing you were better faster friendlier less alone#and let's not forget the fucking commodification of fandom#getting messages in your inbox only to find it's people harping for more content for a fandom on the back burner or a fic you've left behin#i love that you love my work like that but. it makes me feel like i'm at a family reunion and my aunt is asking me about the job i had#two jobs ago#and somehow you keep getting those messages even tho your current work is sparse on comments and reblogs#so you spend your slivers of free time writing something you hope is good for these characters you love only to feel like you're standing#alone in the street hawking a mediocre finished product and everyone is walking past you disinterested#it's fucking isolating. it's draining#you can only write “for yourself” so much before it's not worth the time and effort#obviously i will keep writing. but like. it's fucking frustrating. and i feel like a petulant child about it but i just can't shake it#anyway. here's wonderwall or whatever
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[pericky; a look into ricky's head during their meeting.]
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"I'm glad you came, I wasn't sure you would." The wine pours, the sound of it drowning out the missing word in that sentence: back.
Of course, is the response, and the part of Ricky that's spent twenty years tearing itself apart to understand why vibrates with relief. It doesn't matter anymore. Of course, of course, he thinks giddily along with the words. He never needed to wonder why Pericles wasn't coming back in the first place; he was always going to.
I'm happy you invited me, and of course he thinks again. A lifetime of pretending he wasn't always going to either falls away. However harsh and lonely the world has been, all's right with it again; and the shy voice of the boy inside him that he's tried so hard to kill says, so quietly, I missed you.
#sdmi#scooby doo: mystery incorporated#pericky#ricky owens#professor pericles#anyway fucking end me actually. lay me down to die#i said i was gonna write more pericky and by fucking god i did#the 'why did you do this to me' to 'oh thank god you didn't actually do this to me' pipeline of abuse folks 🥲#which like. their last conversation is yet another devastating example of ricky finally standing up to pericles' bullshit Too Late#ricky denounces him in the strongest terms he knows; based on his own feelings and opinions and the way he sees the world#(which: even then he can't bring himself to say 'i don't love you anymore')#(the closest he can get is 'i chose you and i can't take it back; the only way i can imagine not loving you is if i never had at all')#and pericles tries to go 'nyeh nyeh whatever i don't care' (and does a real bad job of pretending he is not obviously hurt lmao)#and ricky doesn't try to understand his logic; he doesn't try to reconcile a world where pericles didn't *really* mean to do anything wrong#his response is MAYBE YOU *SHOULD* CARE.#pericles' view of the world and what's right and acceptable are warped and *wrong* and he's the one who needs to get his shit together#'you shouldn't have abused me you shouldn't have killed cassidy you shouldn't have murdered a child in cold blood'#that is MASSIVE and i think it is really telling that pericles' response is to shut him down with force instead of trying to argue any more#and that in the end is the real true fucking tragedy of it all#ricky is making huge strides one after the other to take back his freedom from pericles emotionally#....and materially it makes no difference to improve his situation in the moment; because pericles doesn't have any less power to abuse him#he never has a triumphant moment where he Overcomes His Abuser and Breaks Out of His Control#there's nothing he can do to fight back until pericles is too Literally Dead to control him anymore#it is one of the rawest depictions of the reality of abuse i've ever seen and just. God. i love it so much#(at the same time i REALLY want to explore a version of events where he got the chance to expand further on that growth)#(the 'all witches are selfish; make all things yours; i have a duty' speech from the wee free men comes to mind)#whosebaby makes things#whosebaby writes#SDMItag#dyn: when i die i want you to die too
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I take it the gay marriage is going well
Neil gaiman supports gay divorce 🎉🏳️🌈
#vio.ask#i cant decide if the ending hurts me deeply or if its objectively the funniest possible outcome#probably both#spoilers ahead:#imagine your cut throat boss and your homoerotic bestie's cut throat boss was having a secret affair and then fuck off together to get it o#so you think. huh. we could do that. after all we've know each other for at least 6000ish years more than them. so you work up the guts#and you prepare to lay it all out on the table. but right before you do your bestie tells you that he now has his boss'#job in his absence. which means he can't be with you whoops unless you join his corporation.#so you grab him by the jacket and kiss him in the most aggressive and passionate way ive seen on screen in a long time#and then you break up somehow even thought you never dated. you both want to be with each other. you are both stupid.#meanwhile your former bosses are fucking their way across the galaxy#im in shambles#good omens spoilers
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Choose violence game: common fandom complaint youre sick of hearing? RvB or any other fandom you're in
ohhh boy we ARE choosing violence!
anyway I don't like zero or torrian but literally imagine if you were an animator who never wrote anything other than the occasional quip and they gave you a whole ass show foundation show with a budget and constantly told you no about everything you wanted to do and also didn't help you at all and also you had to do it in 5 months and also the pandemic is happening. I think I'd contain so much fury in my body i'd explode. everyone knows zero was bad but it wasn't personally his fault. he should have never been given that hefty of a task that he was unqualified for WITH THE COMPANY'S FOUNDING SHOW and RT is so much more to blame for Zero than Torrian. the people who can find joy in that corporate shitshow are stronger than anyone who harassed Torrian over it. this isn't like something i've been festering about I just happened to talk about it earlier and it was the first thing that came to mind.
I'm a little hater so I don't really get annoyed that much at any complaints other than maybe grimmons queerbaiting but that's like, a legitimate problem that's been going on for 20 years and is like. an intentional thing they do. just because i'm over it doesn't mean it's not something worth complaining about yknow? also did you notice they made a canon queer couple in their most popular show just a few weeks after they had a controversy about their treatment of queer employees? I did :)
#zero was entirely the company's fault.#yeah torrian can't take criticism but like. come on man.#the amount of people that could have - should have - thought about who was doing what for their founding show. that just. didnt!#anyway gr/immons is like. they can't even get together to me. this is a personal take so i don't fault anyone for wanting them to but#it is 100% a logical failing to blame torrian for everything with zero. that's RT's fault. there was so much that should have-#-had someone say hey wait a minute. and they just didnt do that.#and it's a moral failing for anyone to have harassed him about it!#anyway rt sucks and i'm glad this show is finally gonna be fucking over for good so I don't have to care about them anymore#nonsense thoughts#asks#rvb critical#hey it's your job to make a new season of this foundational show we've had for (At the time 18) years. yeah you're not allowed to do it.#yeah we aren't going to protect you from the backlash at all also.#christ.
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its me and my inability to compromise against the world
#i hate it when plans are changed i fucking hate it so much#i desperately need to rant about this im having an awful time ..Augh#my dad lost his job and is selling his house. we have at MOST 3 weeks to get out of here#so wrre moving to the house next to my moms. my grandpa owned b4 he died. HOWEVER#i hate that house its dirty as hell. i cant live with my mom theres barely 2 rooms there and i currently sleep on a couch in the living roo#there are 3(?) bedrooms where my dad is moving and they are SIGNIFICANTLY smaller than. literally everything#so well have. not a lot of space. not to mention that all the rooms are shaped so fucking weird. shitty old house bonus#literally everything has the fucking landlord special cause my mom used to rent it except all of the tennants were jerks#so the house has A Vibe. /neg. and its a weird combo of dustu and sticky#Im getting off topic.#i was allowed to choose my room a while back and we all agreed on everything and made plans and thought everything was set in stone#the room i was supposed to get is small asf and has slanted walls. (attic room ig) but it was fine#but my mom was like noo! actually! your older brother is getting that room! we never agreed on anything!!#whicj is AWFUL#i HATE CHANGE#AND. i wish you could see the room im supposed to have now but im at My dad's rn#its so fucking small. the water heater is in there. there's a low hanging fucking duct pipe or whatever right by the door#its pink#it smells like shit#ots right next to the washer and dryer.#there is no light. i hate it so much#ITS SMALL. AND JUST FUCKING SUCKS#i might sound like a dick but everything is so stressful rn i dont want to move school starts in 2 weeks i dont know my schedule i don't#have anyone to talk to. we're all fucking broke as hell and my mom refuses to help my dad because. i dont even know why#sorry. btw#i need someone to talk to so bad#they won't get me a therapist because 1 its not covered by insurance and 2 my dad lost his job and said insurance#i can't get a job because i can't drive and am so mentally fucked up and its so hard for me to do literally anything#i cry at the most insignificant situations and im always on the verge of tears#i get overstimulated so easy i can't fucking do this
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.
#The depression is hitting hard the last few days. Can't tell if it's situational or seasonal.#my brain is like why not both?#work is stressful + they have cut my hours so much that it's not even worth the stress#and to get better job opportunities i need to either get a car or move closer to a place with reliable travel#which requires $$ which is hard to save up for when your minimum wage work hours are cut down to less then 10h a week :}#legit next week i only work a 3h shift it's fucking bullshit#plus my laptop-that i got last year- has no audio driver after an update and not even IT can't get it back#which sucks if i wanna watch stuff but really sucks if i need to edit videos like demo reels and self tapes -#which you need to do if your an actor :}#my post.#i'm just so tired#so sos so so tired
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MY NIECE IS FINALLY BACK HOME!!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
#we got her back!!!!! crying rn it's been so fucking hard guys#a huge thank you to everyone that sent kind and hopeful msgs and kept our situation in your thoughts/prayers#my baby is home safe and sound now and i'm just over the moon with joy#i can't even describe the incredidle amount of relief my family and i feel at this moment#shoutout to our lawyer for doing their gd job too and getting shit done
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I need to clean my room now. It is dire.
#im so embarrassed it looks like shit over here#i cleaned the kitchen bc my ex was picking up stuff but i KNOW she saw my room#what a fucking shitshow#that box of her things is gone now all ive got left is a handful of rose petals and a second hand coffee maker#and a flannel#all that for a quick 2 monthish relationship#i deeply regret rushing into things but I have poor judgement so.#heres to ruining everything good thats ever happened to me via my own choices 🍻 free will baby#I'm so mad right now even though i shouldn't be#the text thing really got to me idk if things can be ok#like yeah turns out when you hear all your fears verbalized insultingly by another person instead of just in your brain it hits harder??#Just felt like a line was being crossed#anyway#when you spill your guts to another person i guess you gotta expect to have shit flung back at you in the worst possible moment#I suck at keeping my mouth shut that's what happens when you stop journaling#you want to actually confide in others#And don't think I don't know that thats what im doing now#online!!#im unbelievably tired of it all#i wasn't built for this kind of life#ive got no friends. my job doesn’t pay me enough to live. ive got no will to feed myself. etc etc etc#worst of all i have to live with myself#because God knows i can't do anything about it#vile-wizard.txt
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