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moedull · 7 months ago

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HYPOTHETICALS

A/N: "you and dazai talk about the hypotheticals in love"

this was something that popped into my mind a few times and I always found that, if I wrote it with dazai, i usually arrived at a conclusion. He's like my internal therapist that I have control over, or, whatever

AKA. Posted from my ao3 once again!

words: 1540

tags: Mild Hurt/COMFORT!!!!!!, Established relationship, GENDER NEUTRAL READER YAYYYYY!!!!!!!

Enjoy!

“Dazai.”

The moment I speak, Dazai’s eyes snap open and his gaze settles upon me. He raises a brow, turning around to face me properly.

“Hm?”

“What if,” I begin, “I fell in love with someone else, in the middle of everything we have, right now?”

Dazai’s quiet. His expression is somewhat neutral, but it’s evident he’s not exactly thrilled at the thought.

“Who?” He tilts his head.

“It’s just a hypothetical. Just a ‘what if’.”

“A ‘what if’…?” Dazai’s brows furrow as he stares at me, the gears in his brain turning.

It’s a weird question, alongside the many implications that came with it. It’s not exactly the right nor wrong question to ask, but it’s not exactly something anyone would ask when they already have a good thing going. In fact, I don’t even know why I asked it– but there was this creeping urge inside me that compelled me to; a creeping urge called anxiety.

Dazai shuffles closer, his hands resting on my hips. I blink, my attention moves back to him as he begins to speak.

“Hypothetically speaking,” He starts off light-heartedly, “Let’s say, you met someone more deserving of you, than me. Do you think you could love someone else? As much as you love me?”

“I don’t think I could. It’s hard to imagine, but it could happen, right?” I purse my lips, shuffling closer to him.

“I think so.” He raises his eyebrows, a bit surprised. “It’s entirely possible that there’s an even more charming individual out there. Someone with an even more charming smile, personality. Maybe that’s someone you’d love more than me.”

It sounds right, but it hardly feels so. He brings his hands to my face, cupping it and tracing his fingers on my cheeks.

“A handsome man with an attractive voice, it makes you fall head over heels.” He hums, a small, unreadable smile on his lips. “Could someone like that come along and sweep you off your feet, taking your attention away from me? If that happened, then what?”

“Is that even possible?” I raise an eyebrow, scrunching up my face a little that incites a little laugh out of Dazai’s lips. “I’d say, leave me first. If I were to fall in love with someone else when I swore to you, by my confession, that I would give my entire heart to you ; Did I never really love you, or did I never love you enough?”

Dazai blinks, raising both his eyebrows and widening his eyes. He moves his arm down, rubbing my arm gently. “That’s… a good question.”

We lie in silence, just for a moment. Like him, I’m a little surprised by the sudden intensity of the conversation. I suppose, hypotheticals never really end up with simple answers– they’re hypotheticals, after all. Complex in itself, from start to finish.

Dazai decides to break the silence. “Let me give you another hypothetical: what if I were to encounter another individual who could bring me more happiness than you?--”

I’d be heartbroken.

“--Say, someone with greater intelligence? Someone who could make me laugh, even when I’m at my lowest? Do you think I could fall for that?”

“Yes.” I reply without a moment’s hesitation. “Absolutely. I’d say, there are better people out there than me.”

His gaze softens, and it makes me feel a little bit small; I shouldn’t be. Knowing where it’s coming from– but I can’t help but feel defeated to even question the state of our relationship, when there was never any problem in the first place.

“You think there’s other people better than you, and that I deserve better than you?”

“Why wouldn’t I? I love you, and for that, you deserve the best.”

“But,” Dazai tilts his head, “Isn’t it true that I love you as well?”

I glance back into his eyes, my own eyes widening with surprise. He seems to know the answer, but, as always, he wants to hear someone say it.

“It is.” I say.

“See? So, if we were to go by that logic, I think I deserve you the same way you deserve me.”

He rests his hand over mine.

“But,” I frown, “In the case, if we were to meet someone else–”

“Would it be fair of us to abandon each other?” He asks.

“-- No, and, I mean, if we do.. How much do we really love each other, if that happens?”

Dazai is silent, simply nodding his head to indicate to me to go on. I take a deep breath, continuing. “So, that makes me a little anxious.”

I wrap my arms around him, letting out a big sigh. “It feels like betrayal– I would never want to betray you. I would question my very own heart: ‘Why would you love someone else? I thought this one was the one.”

Nuzzling my face into his chest, I take in his scent. I’ve never really taken notice of people’s scent before. It just never occurred to me that it was just as big of a personal trait as someone's eyes, hands or smile could be. But, recently, when I find myself in his arms, I’d realize he has a distinct sort of scent; It’s something my vocabulary could hardly describe, but it’s a scent that you’ll always know is his .

“Then, again, if my heart never told me that this would happen, why would it tell me the reasons why?” What a troublesome heart I have.

“I understand.”

Dazai holds me closer, and I realize another realization: I am small. Dazai is, obviously, quite a tall man, so of course, I am small. I never really felt that way, not until now, at least. It’s not a self-depricating kind of ‘small’, but, it’s who I am, and who I am is in his arms.

“Even if I did meet someone who I think may have the potential to steal me from you, perhaps, I would try to ignore it.” Dazai mused. “After all, the love I have for you, and the one you have for me, It’s not something I’d easily discard.”

“That makes me question love.”

My hand searches for his, and when I feel his bandaged hand, I intertwine it with my own.

“People say love is certain, but, if people can fall out and find someone else– It definitely isn’t. If we were to push down those feelings, are we betraying our own feelings for a diluted version of happiness, or, are we right to not trust the indecisiveness of our thoughts?”

“Perhaps love isn’t something that’s constant. Maybe it’s more of an ebb and flow kind of thing.”

“Then, I guess there’s no such thing as being ‘deserving’ of love. I think it's something that, simply, should be.”

“Hmm.” Dazai hums, closing his eyes. A strand of his hair falls onto his face, and I reach out to tuck it behind his ear. He smiles.

“If one of us were to stray, then, perhaps the other would soon follow. Love is something that can only survive with mutual effort. Love, in that sense, is not automatic.”

“I suppose. “ I purse my lips, feeling my head begin to ache, just a little, and my thoughts have begun to clump. “I don’t really know where I was going with this, Osamu.”

Dazai blinks, raising his eyebrows. “Osamu?”

“Sorry.”

“I like it. It’s okay.”

“I just-” I pause, a bit flustered. “I just thought about it and I felt a little scared. I love you, a lot, and I don’t think I could ever imagine not loving you, if we’ve come this far. Why would I stop? That’s just something I could never think of.”

“You don’t need to think about it so much.” Dazai chuckles, a small cheeky smile on his face as he pinches my cheek. “Don’t worry about any of the hypotheticals, because, as of right now, there really aren’t any reasons for you to stop. At least, not to my knowledge. So, you’re welcome to continue loving me.”

I blink, and again, and again. A simple, but astonishing statement. Hypotheticals are like ferris wheels, I realize. You go round and round, you see the same things in different times, weathers, skies and places– but it all stops the moment you get off. Does that make sense? If it doesn’t, then that’s how it should be. I could only open my mouth brainlessly and mumble:

“I guess so.”

Dazai’s lips quirked up, and in place of a chuckle, he giggled.

“See? You don’t have anything to worry about. Right now, I’m certain that you love me. There’s no ‘what if’, ‘why’ or ‘how much’ to it, and I have no doubts about the way I love you.”

How contradicting for him to proclaim that when our hearts are unreliable narrators to the story of our choices. I guess that’s why it’s a story, and I guess that’s why people find it entertaining.

Or, I guess it means, I should stop getting too deep into my head and see things the way they are, unless something hints to me that I shouldn’t. Yes, that’s much more simple than a metaphor, or any hypothetical.

“I love you.” I mumble.

“I love you too.”

#dazai osamu x reader #osamu dazai x reader #bsd x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #moedull #YIP YIP YIPPIEE

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