#YEA IM DEPRESSED BUT I MAKE VENT POSTS ABOUT IT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

[dapper-comedy]

tfw that guy in ur head be makin poems but if he posts them u kno ur gonna endlessly cringe at it afterwards

[yakuui]

hi sorry this account has been really weirdly inactive so eventually until i get out of this rough patch this blog might be slow a while. ill try to stockpile a queue or somehting but yea its just a hobby so its not my biggest priority

I have been having some things go on in my personal life that has made me even more depressed than before lol if u want to know why and see a little vent u can look at the read more (death + childhood abuse + csa mention + suicidal themes trigger warning) if not u can just ignore ty for understanding x

my father died a month ago and its brought a lot of my childhood neglect and my relationship to my parents to the spotlight. i didnt even cry when i saw his body. i just felt nothing. i cried hearing the news,  and that was from shock of change, but not over him since then.

i realize after this event that i never loved or had a true bond with either of them. i simply saw them as “friends” but i didnt feel cared for i.e. they didnt give me proper meals, i was hungry most of the time. they didnt really talk to me, except for my mom, who did so in a manipulative and controlling way a lot of the time i didnt realize. they didnt look further into my bullying, they told me my childhood molestation was “normal” and it took me five years to realize it wasnt and it had a big effect on me. they minimized all my problems to focus on themselves.

this is why i am incapable of feeling connections with others, or forming healthy romantic relationships, or keeping friendships since i was young and its making me increasingly depressed. I would also say suicidal but id like to think there is still hope i can be socially functioning so i am not going to kill myself nor do i have plans to. i am moving in a few months, this will be the first time i have moved since i was one year old. I do not want to live with my mom, also i do not like where she has chosen to live, but im also terrified of living on my own and i am terrified of what she’ll say when i tell her im not going to be there for her anymore

i might delete this post later. its really stupid to put this personal information on the internet but i need to tell someone i hate myself. i want to feel love, i want to have friends. i want to be normal so badly, i try so hard, but the only thing im good at doing is isolating myself and people forgetting about me. i try so hard

i wish i could like being alone because that would make things much easier. i wish i didnt crave affection or warmth or feeling, because i feel like no matter what i do. i have no option.  i really cant love anyone