#YEA IM DEPRESSED BUT I MAKE VENT POSTS ABOUT IT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

[dapper-comedy]

tfw that guy in ur head be makin poems but if he posts them u kno ur gonna endlessly cringe at it afterwards

[69constellationsinatrenchcoat]

Reblogging our own post with The Thoughts that Amber didn't add!

My response: NOOO!!!! Sorry y'all I literally hate system spaces: it's nice to be treated as an individual ... And there are some spaces that are safe but not..all of them..

but here are some things I've noticed

Misinformation. IN SPADES. Or where the information is correct it's presented in such a way that makes parts feel sad or invalid (look, my old therapist did that enough, I don't need it from safe spaces too!?)

How we're expected to always be happy... I get it we wanna be positive but I literally got kicked out of a system server for saying I was feeling sick because I was "being negative".. sorry lol, as a disabled system... I'd hate to show you my actual day to day experiences and memories, sorryyyy! Or... We're expected to be depressed all the time or we're not believed

Adding to ^; all or nothing views: servers remaining 0 negativity or being full on vent servers where people are giving full on descriptions of their trauma.. same thing with syscourse, you have to be black or white and having s more complicated view gets u hate

how so many systems disrespect people who choose to integrate having no idea their history or how their system functions :(

expectatioms around system experiences: have to be textbook perfect to be respected ;-; or more accurately: community perfect (especially around introjects and high alter counts)

The expectation to give your systems information out...and then when you do, get shat on for things you can't control. I don't appear like a normal human in our inner world and various people said I was just roleplaying because I have puppy ears.. I'm sorry my brain always gives non human traits to represent our experiences, personalities and trauma!!??!! that's just??! A thing?? I can't? Get rid of them? They're in my sense of self?? Sorry???? That's just??? How my brain deals??? ;-; this was after we stated we had formally recognised DID too ;-;

fakeclaiming .. and on the other hand, having self diagnosed systems who have done.. like, one google search and decided it would be cool to have DID but don't do any further research

the constant threat of anything you say being posted to r/systemscringe, they don't give a flying shout whether you're traumatised, diagnosed, faking it etc, no one's safe from that reddit and i genuinely hate it sm

how little people seem to care about non introjected alters...i know heaps of us who are sitting here like 'im not your favourite character but im cool too, promise!!! pls talk to me, im lonely'

homophobia, racism, ableism etc

tw // how often grooming, and SA occurs.. systems are vulnerable people and.. unfortunately.. I've had one too many system spaces end with someone pushing me beyond my safe points and I know I'm not alone in that

Trauma Olympics; need I say more?

How it always has to be about your experience as a system? Can't I just be hanging out with a bunch of systems but be talking abt anything but the disorder that ruined our lives?

death threats and disrespect 👍

syscourse (sorry)

The lack of adult only spaces.. yeah, sorry. don't like being in system spaces with under 18s v much bc of various reasons.. mostly my ocd goes insane and I can't interact without having a panic attack ;-;

Still feeling like we need to put a singlet mask on even when we're talking to systems..yeah.. that's an us issue

anyway I... could go on for hours.. um.. gonna leave it here. but yea..system spaces aren't perfect by any stretch ;-;

these are just my observations pls don't send anyone in my system hate, we're rly fatigued and sick and im not thinking too well, it's been a long few months 😭😭😭

[fully stealing this off @okiimii with permission bc I'm curious about my demographics response]

Reblog for reach if you wish :)

[yakuui]

hi sorry this account has been really weirdly inactive so eventually until i get out of this rough patch this blog might be slow a while. ill try to stockpile a queue or somehting but yea its just a hobby so its not my biggest priority

I have been having some things go on in my personal life that has made me even more depressed than before lol if u want to know why and see a little vent u can look at the read more (death + childhood abuse + csa mention + suicidal themes trigger warning) if not u can just ignore ty for understanding x

my father died a month ago and its brought a lot of my childhood neglect and my relationship to my parents to the spotlight. i didnt even cry when i saw his body. i just felt nothing. i cried hearing the news,  and that was from shock of change, but not over him since then.

i realize after this event that i never loved or had a true bond with either of them. i simply saw them as “friends” but i didnt feel cared for i.e. they didnt give me proper meals, i was hungry most of the time. they didnt really talk to me, except for my mom, who did so in a manipulative and controlling way a lot of the time i didnt realize. they didnt look further into my bullying, they told me my childhood molestation was “normal” and it took me five years to realize it wasnt and it had a big effect on me. they minimized all my problems to focus on themselves.

this is why i am incapable of feeling connections with others, or forming healthy romantic relationships, or keeping friendships since i was young and its making me increasingly depressed. I would also say suicidal but id like to think there is still hope i can be socially functioning so i am not going to kill myself nor do i have plans to. i am moving in a few months, this will be the first time i have moved since i was one year old. I do not want to live with my mom, also i do not like where she has chosen to live, but im also terrified of living on my own and i am terrified of what she’ll say when i tell her im not going to be there for her anymore

i might delete this post later. its really stupid to put this personal information on the internet but i need to tell someone i hate myself. i want to feel love, i want to have friends. i want to be normal so badly, i try so hard, but the only thing im good at doing is isolating myself and people forgetting about me. i try so hard

i wish i could like being alone because that would make things much easier. i wish i didnt crave affection or warmth or feeling, because i feel like no matter what i do. i have no option.  i really cant love anyone

[lesb100-blog]

What’s so good about having your life together anyway? XD

So I have decided to start writing again.  I guess its because I wanted a place, other than facebook, to publicly vent my random thoughts and problems to.   Go figure  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Anyway, I just turned 35 on this past Easter. I look 24. But from prior years loaded with poor choices and toxic relationships….Eh I feel about 43. Lol you feel me, a bitch is TIIIIEEED.

So yea 35 year old, black lesbian working in Corporate America. Homeowner, taxpayer, and hey…Im easy on the eyes.  But the number 1 question in my inbox: “How are you single?” 

Well its funny you ask....the funny part is I know the answer; it just doesn’t make the least bit of sense to me.  So here’s a snapshot of where I started, so you can figure out how I got to this place. During my 20s after college, I moved to ATL and engulfed myself in the LGBT club and social scene. Anyone that has frequented the clubs in ATL knows that its a clusterfuck, to put it lightly.  Remember the scene in Pinnochio when all the boys ran away to the amusement park and then all turned into donkeys.....yea eerily similar.

To sum it up pussy...drugs...pussy drugs....pussy drugs....loads of bad choices in women #repeat.  I picked anything with a pretty face that wanted to claim me once in a while. I somehow maintained a job while spinning out of control in depression. Felt unless I was ok with being a liar a cheater and dating the like, that I would never be accepted. I would never accepted myself.  But a miracle happened. A job opportunity came up and I moved to California.

I escaped I survived. I began what would lead me to an almost 10 year career in corporate America. But I still was not making good choices in people.  I got married (well...domestic partnership. Cali had not yet made gay marriage legal, but I got the headaches as if it was official...this is a story for another post).  But yea I coparented 2 kids ( I would for the whole 10 years with no drama but that has ceased as well...again another post). We would split, I would pick several more women that just didn’t have it together. When the fuck would I wake the hell up?!?!?!

Well it happened when I turned 30. As cliché as it sounds its true. Something in me got tired of being tired. By now I was making middle class salary, couple years later bought my house.  I finally got a handle on my life stats. It felt good. So then I said THIS TIME Im gonna look for a girl that has what I have...THEN I will be happy.  Got one with a car, a job, a crib, a degree...she MUST BE THE ONE...EUREKA!!

Wait for it......WRONG! Sure on paper she was great....for a normal STANDARD ADULT...but she was a terrible person. Jealous of my strides, unsupportive. I just felt like wtf am I supposed to do now. I went thru the checklist and found a non ratchet who had her own. Why the fuck am I back here by myself?!?!  But then a friend said something that made so much sense: “You can’t give people gold stars for having things they are SUPPOSED to have as an adult. Those are prerequisites, NOT points”.  MIND FUCKING BLOWN!!!

Once I realized what adulting looked like and who deserves my time, thats when I realized I may truly become undateable. Because now I would be laying out my standards. Speaking out loud what I deserve. Finding passion and promise outside of the club and instead in dope intellectual conversation.  And I seem to get so far.  But as a working woman in TECH and a homeowner, and a successful local musician....I now come off intimidating...and people are afraid to join me on my stage....

So if you have made it thru this story by now you should understand why I made this page. I know there are other lesbians in my age group that fall into this category. Having your life together, wanting family, wanting lasting friendships, lasting love and more than just some good sex.  We are past the ratchet IG model pics being attractive.  We require more than a #WCW post to feel appreciated.  We are the best catches out there and we have so much to give....but who can handle someone so together?? I’m hoping thru writing, learning myself even more, and finding friends of like mind...I may discover the answer.  If you like what you read...stick around for the journey. - CT