#Would Bang: Rumple (oops~)

[leverage-commentary]

Leverage Season 2, Episode 15, The Maltese Falcon Job, Audio Commentary Transcript

Dean: Hi I'm Dean Devlin, Executive Producer and Director of this episode.

John: I'm John Rogers, Executive producer and Writer.

Chris: I'm Chris Downey, Executive Producer, and this is the Maltese Falcon Job. Part two of our season two finale.

John: And this is a lot of fun, this was- this was born of an episode we never wrote. Just- we really wanted to just put them on their pins.

Chris: Right.

John: Just really knock them on their ass and so- were you handheld there? Handheld whenever there's a problem, right?

Dean: Well this is actually a 360 steadicam. And what we're trying to do is let- their entire world is spinning out of control, so we just wanted this just to keep spinning around. They don't know where they're gonna land.

John: This is a fast, hard reset. The second- the second half of the season finale last year, we kinda eased into it, we reset the locations.

Dean: Here we throw you right into it.

Chris: Right.

John: Yeah, you best be paying attention and you really see when, you know- they're the uber team. You know, you really need to put them onto the wall, and the FBI and Interpol in this situation, they're utterly lost. And Interpol, it was interesting, it was something we were saying last- cause it was Mark Sheppard credit in the last episode. We were looking for a villain, and the problem is we kept coming up with this recurring, separate villain. We’re like, ‘We've never met this person before, we don't care. The person you really want it to be is Sterling! But he's an investigator.’

Chris: ‘He's an insurance investigator, what does that have to do with insurance? We have to find a way to make this about insurance?’

John: Oh man, we killed ourselves.

Dean: Do you remember what you said John? The night-?

Chris: It was between you two, right?

John: It was us. I Skyped you at like 11 o’clock at night, you had come back from scouting-

Dean: And we were talking, and the idea came up, ‘What if we just made him interpol?’ Do you remember what you said?

John: No.

Dean: You said, ‘We are either coming up with the best idea we’ve ever come up with, or we’re both reall,y really tired right now.’

[Laughter]

Chris: And it was.

John: It was great.

Chris: As soon as I heard it, I said, ‘That’s a great idea.’ Because we needed to give him a wider mandate.

John: Yes, if we're gonna keep them as a recurring bad guy-

Chris: Great idea.

John: And what was great is, we already shot the episode that he was in before, so we had to go back and reshoot that ending.

Dean: Here's my favorite Tara bit, of her whole arc.

John: Oh, that's right.

Dean: And this man was actually our local assistant.

[Laughter]

Chris: That was AJ.

John: Yes. And a fine actor by the way.

Dean: He did a great job.

Chris: Oh look at this shot, look at this.

John: Look at just the look he's doing. Just a good 1960s Zero Mostel take there. Yeah, ‘Oops.’

[Laughter]

Chris: Mrs. Robinson.

Dean: Comedy frame.

John: Comedy frame. We got like nine takes of Christian reacting to that by the way.

Dean: And my favorite is they both originally put their heads back, and then only Christian’s head came back out again, but we didn't have time for that. 

Chris: Oh I love that.

John: We can't break for comedy too much here, cause you've got the momentum going. 

Dean: Yeah.

John: And you're like, you have to keep resetting - they are in trouble. This, by the way, great hack taught to us by Apollo Robbins.

Chris: Yes.

John: Our thief consultant took us through how you can get access to the hotel computer system through the back of your television.

Chris: Yes.

John: This is a real thing. Please don’t-

Dean: Please don't try this at home.

Chris: Please don’t try this.

John: Don't try this at home, but most hotels have internet enabled televisions now, and that allows you a backdoor into the- 

Chris: It's a good example, too, of our team is so good at what they do, that we always try and look for ways to take away all their tools and find a clever way they have to use whatever's around them to-

John: Yeah

Chris: -you know, get their information.

John: Yeah, and that's again, constrained in time, constrained in space.

Dean: And that little porno name here, we had to get clearance on. 

John: I know. We came up with so many pornos that were real. That we came up with the most ridiculous porno name, ‘Nope that's a real one, that’s a real one.’ What did we land with, Indie Panties Day?

[Laughter]

John: Yeah, there's also- I wonder if we got it on the DVD, a really creepy, awkward beat after they’ve watched the porno that Aldis and Beth did, just very. 

Chris: That's a nice little viral video.

John: Yeah we’ll have to find that. 

Dean: Yeah.

John: Oh, and a beautiful three way pass, by the way. That was a tough shot, you know, in a crowded-

Dean: And it's a callback from the Zanzibar Job. 

John: Yes.

Dean: Where they did a similar three way.

John: Yeah. 

Dean: And I love this local actor.

John: Oh man, he's fantastic.

Dean: Harold rocked it.

John: ‘Yes, it was delicious.’ Yeah no, Eliot's impatience. This, by the way- getting a hotel key without your ID, I was a little fuzzy on whether it would work or not. I had written it, and I was like ‘Ah, am I kinda cheating?’ So I went to a hotel and did it. 

[Laughter]

John: Two days before we actually did this.

Chris: You did?

John: Yes. I won't tell you what hotel because they shouldn't have done it, but I got a hotel room key that way.

Chris: That's great.

John: Yeah. It's amazing what you can do if you have no fear of prosecution.

[Laughter]

John: ‘Oh, I'm doing a television show.’ And this was tough. We had to split them up, we had to figure out what the geography was- oh he hates Sterling so much.

[Laughter]

John: And Mark Sheppard just teeing off, just- 

Dean: Mark is delicious in this part, man. 

John: Yes.

Dean: I'm telling you, I could just watch him play this guy all day long.

John: Yeah, and what's great is Richard Kind, kind of, really kind of justifying, really doing the evil speech of evil, ‘He's a good mayor.’

Chris: Yeah.

John: And he was the one who came up with, ‘I’m good for Bellbridge.’

Chris: ‘I was good for Bellbridge.’

John:  ‘I'm- no matter what I did, I did my job, you know.’

Chris: I like, too, that we have Nate and the mayor both- 

John: Both drinking.

Chris: Both drinking.

Dean: Yeah.

John: I think that was on the day we came up with that, where Nate would get the booze from. 

Dean: Right.

John: Same place. I think we were just- cause this is the same hotel room. That was the fun of this episode, it was figuring out all the identical space- the fact that all hotel rooms are identical.

Chris: Right.

John: And that we suddenly realized, ‘Wait that means we can shoot in one and just redress.’ This is a long ass speech, this was a tough day.

Dean: And again done in a one-er.

John: Yes.

Dean: So the degree of difficulty for poor Mark was very, very high, but he knocked it out again.

John: He's really abused in television. Cause I will tell you right now, a lot of show runners will be like, ‘I have two and a half of impossible bullshit, get me Mark Sheppard in here.’

Dean: Right.

Chris: He's- I think he went from here, he was- he did the- I guess that three part CSI-

John: Yeah.

Chris: Where they had all the CSIs in one link and he was the bad guy in that, and he works.

John: He's a great- he really in that British actor tradition, yeah. 

Chris: Yeah.

John: And this- this bio of this arms dealer is pretty much just a bio of an arms dealer we took. I'm not gonna tell you who, because it was Chris’s idea and if you're angry, you should take your vengeance on him and his family.

[Laughter]

John: And not me, I am a big fan of arms dealers.

Chris: Paul Blackthorne, great- what is he-?

John: Well he had done Dresden Files, I knew him from that. 

Chris: Dresden Files.

John: But he's, you know, nailed the accent, and he's also really tall, he's got a physically imposing presence. 

Chris: Yeah.

John: And Tim’s tall, and it's really hard sometimes, to find the villains that can kind of, you know. And this was a great scene, and really one of the few times that the team lays into Nate. And I like, by the way, Nate’s getting more and more rumpled. Everyone else is kind of pulling it together, and he's just getting rougher and rougher looking.

Chris: Didn’t we have some weather here?

Dean: On the outtakes reel that's actually on this DVD, you'll see some funny outtakes from this scene.

Chris: With the weather right?

Dean: With the weather and Tim’s hair.

[Laughter]

Chris: Oh wow.

John: Oh right, even Chris is having a problem here and he's in a ponytail. Yeah the wind- the whole day we were shooting this we had thunderstorms coming through. 

Dean: Right.

John: So we were literally, ‘It's sunny. Go, go, go!’ And running down and getting the exteriors, yeah. 

Chris: Yeah.

John: Yeah we banged this out fast, man.

Dean: And yet they really nailed it. Again, when our actors dig in, they find gold.

John: And this was a big moment, this was- this is something I think that people sometimes ask, ‘Why does Eliot do this?’ Eliot has made himself a promise, this is his job, he will keep them safe.

Chris: Right.

Dean: And Nate realizes-

John: That's all he has.

Dean: Nate realizes for the first time he's actually let his team down.

John: Yeah.

Dean: And now he feels like he has to make it up to them.

John: Well, you know, when Parker does it. 

Dean: Yeah.

John: I mean that's the thing, Parker never gives- expresses- she’ll tease, she’ll express sarcasm, but disappointment- you know, ‘Be the person we came back for.’ She's referencing the season opener.

Dean: Right.

John: And that's the problem, is addiction- he's allowed himself to be- he's no longer the guy who used to chase them.

[Silence]

John: That's me drinking my Guinness, don't mind me.

[Laughter]

John: Oh god. What would I do without booze? 

Dean: So now we come back to the hotel.

John: Was that on mic? Alright.

[Laughter]

John: So we’re back on the hotel. 

Dean: And again, our clue from the previous episode of the Maltese Falcon.

Chris: Really key to watch these two back to back folks.

Dean: Oh, now this is-

Chris: I mean, maybe get a sandwich, but don't do much more than that.

Dean: This, I think, is one of my favorite bullet time shots that we've ever done. 

John: This was not as- not quite as insane as- and America thanks you for Beth in the French maid outfit.

Chris: The french maid.

Dean: It’s after this gag.

John: Yeah. Not quite as insane as the- by the way, this moment is based on a comedy club in Winnipeg, when- where the comics would go perform, it was a contest amongst them to see how long they could go without leaving the hotel room, and without letting the maids in.

[Laughter]

Chris: Cause there was no-

John: There was nothing to do. 

Chris: Nothing to do.

John: So it was like, ‘I went 40- I went 72 hours; the maids left the towels at the door.’

Dean: Great passing out scene.

Chris: Oh there we go.

John: That man is passed out. And that looks like my bed in every stand up club I ever went at.

Dean: This was the bullet- this was a very complicated bullet time shot.

John: Is this as bad or worse than the pilot, where you did four different directions?

Dean: No, it's not as bad as the pilot, but the timing of it is hard because of the extras and the switching of directions.

John: Yeah. So we start with one-

Dean: And we were using a different steadicam artist who had never done this before. 

John: Oh, that’s right.

Dean: So we had to teach Norbert how to do it while we were doing it.

Chris: Oh, that's right. 

Dean: It was very tough.

Chris: Cause our camera guy had a-

Dean: It was the one day Gary Camp was actually sick.

John: Yeah.

Chris: His tooth exploded or something.

John: Yeah, and he still showed up for work, by the way. 

Chris: He did.

John: With a face that looked like somebody had worked him over with a bat.

Dean: Now originally you had a much more complicated gag to stall, and then you came up with this gag, and we were on the floor laughing.

Chris: Yeah, this is funny.

John: You said, you were like, ‘I can't shoot that gag, all I have is the elevator’ I was like ‘Alright, well we’ll do this.’ And it's funny cause it was really a throwaway, and then the more we talked about it, the funnier it got.

Dean: Yeah.

John: As you realize it's just comedy beat, after comedy beat, after comedy beat. Also: Mark Sheppard.

Dean: Yeah.

Chris: Mark Sheppard does the- he takes you through the- 

John: The fives stages of death and dying.

Chris: The array of reactions.

Dean: This is-

Chris: Puts on a [unintelligible].

John: And by the way- same elevator, we’re just changing the floor number on every shot.

Dean: And the plants.

John: And the plants.

[Laughter]

John: So yes. And we- but we did run Tim up the stairs a lot that day.

Chris: We did.

Dean: I'll tell you this may be my- the funniest gag we've ever done.

John: Just cause both actors- oh this- just the seething.

Dean: The rage.

John: And both actors kind of really digging in on it.

[Laughter]

Chris: Oh.

John: And then... 

Chris: Just kidding this right on his reel, this is all the different, kind of, reaction to it.

John: And I like, he's almost too tired to keep doing it. And up.

Dean: But what sells the whole gag for me is this last one. Because at this point now they've done everything they can, and they just don't care anymore.

[Laughter]

John: They're just. 

Dean: They're done.

John: They’re done, they’re just exhausted. And now- now Nate can give up. Yeah, he's bought them enough time to do what they need to do. And also this was a nice beat, cause Mark made a point of it, it's like if he just had one more second he would've figured it out.

Chris: Yeah.

Dean: Right.

John: You know you can never- Sterling- you always have to play fair with him. 

Dean: Right.

John: You know he's always this close to figuring it out. These guys were great as the vaguely resentful FBI agents. 

Dean: Exactly.

John: Because he's very insulting. And a timing joke. Mark carries a lot in this episode.

Chris: Door- door closed, there you go, door closes, door opens.

Dean: Mark had his work cut out for him this episode.

John: Door opens. ‘Hey, Bob.’ Yeah, these two had a lot of fun. There’s about 900 different takes of this. And oh this was tricky, because when we got up there, we were shooting on the top floor, but that meant we couldn't double the corridor.

Dean: That’s right.

John: Because we had the skylights.

Chris: Oh, hm.

Dean: So we had to find other corridors. 

John: Yeah, and sometimes people were sleeping, sorry about that.

Dean: This is a very simple bullet time shot, but a very effective one, I think.

John: Yeah, the big reveal.

Dean: Just the, ‘viola.’

John: And you're out.

Chris: How did they do that?

John: A lot of fun. And a wink, which would distract any normal human. And this is- I'm trying to remember where we came up with this bit. Oh the carts were brutal, trying to find the cart we could put a dude in.

Chris: Oh yeah.

Dean: But this bit here is a call back to the episode with the kids-

John: Yes. Yeah That's right- where Hardison and- 

Dean: Cannot rappel.

Chris: That’s just great.

John: Rappelling just does not fit well, he's just not left as- and by the way, it really- real risk of Aldis Hodge strangling there. Sorry about that, Aldis. 

[Laughter]

John: And he's figured it out. Yeah and that was a lot of fun. Nashua, New Hampshire, near where my sister lives, by the way.

Chris: Right that's where they're sending it.

John: That's actually where they are sending it- they're sending that trunk to my sister’s front lawn. What little I can do. And this is- what's fun is that we- the camera work is very energized, the game's afoot, and the second half- it’s interesting, the two previous seasons, the two episodes both had their own internal structure. This really just plays as a movie because all the set up is the first half.

Chris: Yes.

John: This entire episode is the rock that's been pushed down the hill, and we’re just chasing it.

Chris: And everything is paying off.

John: Yeah. And again, drawn from my experience in standup years, all the hotel rooms look alike. If you were to wake me up in any random hotel room, I woke up and my trash was there, I'd assume that that was my room.

Chris: Sure. I mean as any business traveller can tell you, they'll wake up and not know what city they're in.

John: And Richard Kind, by the way- poor Richard Kind spent a week in that bathrobe. 

Dean: Yeah.

John: On docks, on oil tankers, in hotel rooms.

Chris: Yeah, it’s true.

John: That was- he formed a very unhealthy relationship with that bathrobe.

Dean: And had to be in the bathrobe the whole time.

John: Yeah. This is my favorite bit- they're just the type of people who cut up people in tubs, that's their job.

Chris: Yeah.

Dean: But this little look of Eliot's right there tells you everything.

Chris: ‘Alright, I'm gonna cut her up.’

John: ‘Alright, this is my day.’ Aldis’s character Mr. Joshua, of course, named after the Gary Busey character from- 

Chris: Lethal Weapon.

John: Lethal Weapon. If we need a killer's name, why not-?

Dean: Go to the best.

John: Why not reference the best? Bunch of different versions of this. And I love them playing good cop, bad cop. But it was interesting, we had a version of this speech- and I will give this up to you as director, that explained everything. And you really looked at it and said, ‘Alright, here's the actual three things we need for this to make sense.’ Cause as the writer you never know, but you come at it from a storyteller like, ‘Here are the points the audience needs to be emotionally engaged to move forward.’

Dean: And it was a tough call, because Richard did such an amazing job with this speech. 

John: Yes.

Dean: You almost didn't want to lose anything. But, you know, we have time that we have to come in at the end of the show, and we needed to lose some time, so we really boiled it down.

Chris: Oh was this something that came out in editing? Or in-?

John: Yeah.

Chris: Oh it did, I didn't even notice.

John: You didn't notice, exactly. 

Chris: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

John: The speech was about twice as long. Because really there's a whole mini scene between Richard and Tim there. 

Dean: Right.

John: And it really was- you know, you got it, he's bargaining for his life. That’s all you need to know.

Dean: And Richard is so knocking it out, you're actually learning a lot more with even less.

John: Yeah. His relationship through his attitude. No, there are times- even a writer would admit-

Dean: And that's all real sweat, by the way, no sweat bottle came in there; he earned each drop.

John: Boom. I like Aldis’ vague resentment at not being allowed to punch the guy.

Chris: Yeah.

John: Because again, everyone has their niche. And also the great expression Beth chooses there. ‘Eh, I've been in the tub waiting while you beat up a mayor. I'm out now.’

[Laughter]

John: ‘What are we doing next?’

Chris: Yeah, completely blank affect.

John: Yeah, exactly.

Dean: Day at the office.

John: Yeah.

Dean: But the subtle look of feeling like she's on a sinking ship. 

John: Yeah.

Dean: That we get out of Tara at the end of this scene, is really very great for setting up the turn.

John: And even- It's interesting, to watch Chris choose- Aldis is having basically Hardison question dad, while Eliot is instead watching the interplay between the two of them to see how Nate treats Hardison. 

Dean: Right.

John: Knowing that's the better indicator of what the relationship is. He does a similar thing in 207, actually, between he and Sophie- between Gina, with the bomb scene. 

Dean: Right, right. 

John: Yeah.

Dean: And then here we drop our red herring. Has Tara jumped the shark?

John: For a minute or half we considered doing it. For a minute and a half, what would- the problem was, it's Jeri Ryan, and you like her and you're hanging out with her and working with her and it was like, ‘Nah, I don't want the- I like the character.’

Chris: Well it sets up the- the act where it all pays off is one of my favorite acts we’ve done.

John: It’s one of my favorite bits ever. This, by the way, it seems like it's just an act break, it's horrible. Sterling has used his- the fact he used to be best friends with Nate Ford, to know that he is going to use his child’s- dead child's art to trap him.

Chris: Yeah.

John: This is a moment that was kind of thrown away, and the two actors, I saw them actually talking about it on set and they really dug in on it.

Chris: Yeah.

John: It's like, that is a horrible moment. You know, because he knows he won't leave town without that, and Sterling is the only man on earth who knows he won't leave town without that. 

Chris: Right.

John: Yeah. And it's one of the few times we’re behind the desk there.

Dean: Yeah.

John: Yeah. It's a weird place to shoot; it's just got that picture behind it, it's just trough to frame

Dean: But we wanted to get there and we found a place. Now this scene is unusual in that we've gone now to our handheld, which we do when our characters are either in physical or emotional jeopardy. But unlike other scenes, we went musicless here.

John: Yes.

Dean: Because the performances were so strong and so right on-

Chris: Oh that’s great.

Dean: -we didn't want to tell the audience what to feel. Just- we just wanted them to feel it.

John: Also in the tradition, that's the same glass.

Dean: Yeah.

John: Nate and- 

Chris: Oh that's the same glass from- from Nate in-

Dean: Season 1.

Chris: Season 1. That’s great.

John: Nate and Sterling have one glass they pass back and forth between each other depending on who’s winning.

Chris: That's great.

Dean: Right.

John: And the fact he's brought it to give it to him is sort of a signature of the deal they're falling into. And again, by the way, the idea that you would protect a witness that might’ve killed a cop. When you do the research? Oh man. This was kind of the Whitey Bulger thing in costic.

Chris: Well I mean, you know, we- it gave us a chance to explore- it was a whole different episode from the point of view of the FBI. 

John: Yeah.

Chris: About the compromises that people make when they get confidential, you know- 

John: Informants.

Chris: Cooperating witnesses, of looking the other way of other things they're doing. All they are focused on is their case.

John: That mayor is giving them 20 good busts.

Chris: Yeah, yeah.

John: They're not going to follow rumors. Also Mark Sheppard is a- man, this is a great scene. There's two versions of this scene. This is the one we used, the one I like. One where he's angry and superior, and one where he's genuinely hurt that Nate Ford had become this man. 

Dean: Yeah.

John: That he's genuinely hurt he has to offer him this deal. And this is the take we used. 

Chris: Yeah.

John: Which was an oddly vulnerable moment for that character. He doesn't want to be here, he doesn't want to be giving him this offer. Wow, this is all close up, too, which we almost never do.

Dean: Yeah. But this is- there's a lot of things that we did in this two part season finale that we don't normally do, that were out of the box, but necessary, it was very interesting.

John: Yeah, and this is him telling him this is his last chance. No, and- I always wonder- I gotta- I need to ask Tim when does- cause I know Tim in his head knows when Nate makes the decision what he's gonna do. Is it here or is it after the phone call? Is it after the phone call?

Dean: I think it's after the phone call.

John: Yeah. But there's alot going on.

Dean: But the twist here was cause Nate always is two steps ahead. Until he said, ‘And my team,’ and the guy- and he says, ‘No, just you.’ And there's a look on his face and it's one- it’s again, a rare vulnerable moment for Nate where he didn’t see that one coming. 

John: Yeah. And loses his hand and it's like, you know.

Dean: Again, getting to shoot at the actual docks was fantastic.

John: Except we can't shoot past her right shoulder, cause there was a navy ship there that we started to shoot, and the nice gentlemen came over and told us not to put that on camera, please.

Dean: That’s right.

Chris: Oh really?

John: Yeah.

Chris: Wow.

John: Yeah.

Dean: And briny despair may be my favorite Parker line.

John: Briny despair, old clowns.

Chris: Old clown shoes.

John: Briny despair. And again, there's a mini arc here, and the actresses are very good friends, and they're really found it, of their developing physical friendship and, like, just the fact that she can be- Parker’s physical character, and so the fact she’ll walk in pace with Tara is a big deal.

Dean: And now we've brought back Sophie.

John: There you go.

Dean: First time we haven't seen her on a monitor this season.

John: Exactly.

Chris: And here's the payoff from the scene in-

Dean: 207.

Chris: Well part one also, this-

Dean: But we set up really at the- 

Chris: We did, you're right.

Dean: At the- The Two Live Crew Job that she was going off to find herself. 

John: Yeah.

Chris: Right.

Dean: And then in the next episode, when he tried to bring her back, she says, ‘Do you want me back for the team, or for you?’ 

Chris: Right, right.

Dean: And now he calls that back and says, ‘Not for the team, for me.’

Chris: Right, right.

Dean: ‘I need you back.’

John: It was also subtle, but we've shown her in conveyance in a lot of the other shots when she's away, so you won't be tipped off by the fact that she's in a conveyance. That she's in transport.

Chris: That she's in a helicopter.

John: She's in transit, she’s in a helicopter. We've shown her in cars, she’s done the cell phone in different locations. 

Chris: Yeah, yeah, that’s true.

John: So hopefully you were not like ‘Oh, why are we seeing her in a different context?’ 

Chris: Right.

John: We've seen her in this context before. Now this was- man, this was a great day, this was just- we cleared the set and Tim just parked his ass on the floor. 

Dean: We did three takes, but this is actually his first take. He so nailed it on the first take.

John: Oh, really?

Dean: That the others were really just for safety. But he just came in there, ready to do this part.

John: Yeah. And this is- you know.

Dean: And then the tragedy that she didn't hear any of it. 

John: Yeah.

Chris: It's one of the great things about cell phones. Is that- from a dramatic standpoint- I mean they help you bring characters together, but you can also use them to- 

Dean: Separate them.

Chris: To separate them.

John: Never in 1940s comedy is or 1940s movie is like, ‘Pennsylvania 927: Oh the killer is-!’ ‘Oh I lost him.’

Chris: ‘The line went dead!’

John: ‘The line went dead!’ ‘No sir, the line’s not dead, I'll reconnect you right away.’ Thank you operator.’

Dean: But his feeling of betrayal at losing the connection.

John: Yeah.

Dean: Really again, is a wonderful red herring where we feel like, ‘Oh my god, he's really gonna sell this team out.’

John: Yeah.

Chris: Yeah.

John: Or at the very least you have no idea what the hell he's gonna do. 

Dean: Yeah.

John: You know, he is drunk, he is pissed off. No he-

Chris: And he's been put- he's been backed in a corner.

John: And you know, which-

Dean: But even the way he said here, ‘I have a plan that will fix everyone.’ It’s like, woah.

John: And having the picture that Sam drew. It's interesting that it's essentially a codependent relationship, but it's a functioning one that they have.

Dean: And here, again, is a strange bit of blocking that we had never done before, where Nate has isolated himself on the stairway. 

John: Yes.

Chris: Well that helps sell everything, too, doesn't it? Separated from them.

John: Well he's not in front of them, he's behind them. He's separated from them, exactly. Fun bit of blocking, too, actually. It's- we’ll use it again, I'm sure.

Dean: Yeah.

John: Cause that's a nice angle. And yes and then everyone- and then her coming around to pull focus. No, it's for a static shot, it's really interesting. But this is one of the few times we don't tell you the plan.

Dean: Right.

John: You know, it's one of the few times we transition. Usually we-

Chris: We did that in part two of season one, also.

John: Yeah, yeah. It’s- we’re usually an open mystery. 

Chris: Yes.

John: At least- and this was one of the few times that you're not- you have no idea- because the rules for the show usually are, you know what's gonna happen and the fun is seeing it go wrong and how they're gonna recover. This one it's like, you’re just gonna have to trust us.

Chris: Who invented the ‘And this is what we're gonna do’ was that Aristophones? The first one.

John: That was Aristophanes.

Chris: ‘Alright everyone, gather around. Grab your togas; let’s go.’

Dean: Now once again we've got the teams separated in different locations, each with different objectives.

Chris: Yeah.

Dean: And that's a little bit of a callback to the pilot episode, when she did the burn gag.

Chris: That's true.

John: Yes, the burn scam. Yeah, wow was this a tough shot.

Dean: That's a little bit of scale, huh guys?

Chris: Wow. 

Dean: How about that?

Chris: They let us- now was that digital or do we- let us paint on the ship?

Dean: We digitally put the name on the ship.

Chris: We did, ok.

John: Well, we did paint some of it .

Dean: We did paint some of it. You’ll see a sign later that we actually painted.

John: That was a lot of fun, just trying to figure out like, the whole break into the FBI office. And what's the easiest way? 

Dean: Short fight, but one of my favorites. 

John: Yeah, just brutal. This is a tough- this was a tough day. Chris did all of these fights in one day, straight through, and ran back and forth between the dialogue scenes.

Dean: This really should've been two days of shooting, that we did in one day.

John: He did like a 20 hour day here.

Dean: This was an insane day.

Chris: Oof.

Dean: But we only had use of this ship for two days, so we had to get it all in.

John: Yeah. He's got the samurai ponytail rocking there, that's how you can tell there's gonna be some fighting. And we have money, and we would like to arrange a meeting. ‘I'm a man with a briefcase full of money, I would like to meet your boss.’ It’s a great, classic trope.

Chris: I like this act, this is my favorite act.

John: I also like- I gave them this running bit where he's counting guys with guns.

Chris: Yeah, I remember that from- you came up with that last season.

John: Season one, and we never found a place for it.

Chris: That's a great shot, too.

John: Yeah, that's a great shot. That and- actually on the boat, that's the way you get between decks. This is actually one of my favorite Parker bits, just talking- coming up with the speech about what it's like to die in an air vent. Because the fact that she's always in air vents, is worth addressing, you know.

Dean: And it shows you the way her mind thinks.

John: Yes, exactly. ‘Scratching on the metal.’ She's kinda turned on, I'm not sure where this is going. 

[Laughter]

Dean: Yeah, that’s fair.

Chris: It's the tongue, the darting tongue and she shakes out of it.

John: Let’s go and we’re off.

Dean: She loves the danger.

Chris: We didn't get wet that down folks, that was actual Portland rain.

John: Yes, Beth Riesgraf and Jeri Ryan were on a rooftop, on a skyscraper, with a thunderstorm during most of this day.

Dean: Not dangerous at all.

John: Not dangerous, ignore the lighting, kids. Man, what were we thinking?

Dean: And he pulled out the Scottish accent out of nowhere, which was fantastic.

John: I know, I know. Which was a lot of fun. Because the idea is the mayor has gotten in over his head, and he's dealing with the same sort of businesses that- power drill was the nastiest thing I could think of.

Chris: And that's quite a nasty bit on it, too.

John: Yes, exactly. Well that’s- you know, I mean, if you're gonna mess up somebody's knees, that's the bit you're gonna use yeah. ‘Still counting.’ Oh yeah, then we just reset- it was really tricky because it was so complicated, we had to reset their goal at the beginning of every act. 

Dean: Right.

John: What do they need to get? Yeah. And again, it's like, do these guys really meet in broad daylight to look at their goods? Yes! Yes they do!

Chris: Yeah.

John: And usually-

Dean: And here's where we set up the phone does voice dialing, which is crucial to our final act.

John: Thank you 21st century. Because we enjoyed tying up Richard Kind and we’ll leave it at that.

Chris: Yeah, I'm sure the fact that GPS is in every phone is gonna be our best friend and possibly our worst enemy this coming season. 

John: No, it's a big deal. 

Chris: Yeah.

John: A phone that's on is a phone that can be tracked.

Chris: Yup.

John: Exactly. And yes and Richard, by the way, finding the desperation. ‘They cut her up in a bathtub!’ 

John: Like the murder wasnt the worst thing in the world, but the fact that somehow it was so undignified? Yeah. Nice scream. And that was, by the way, great little comedy beat, just like, ‘Well to be fair, he did most of the cutting.’ 

Chris: Yeah.

John: The two of them- we don't usually have Eliot and Nate doing comedy together, but when they do it's a pure relationship, it's a nice rhythm.

Dean: And if you look closely, there in the distance, we've set up Sophie is actually with the buyers.

John: Yes.

Dean: But you wouldn't notice that unless you watched it again.

Chris: Oh, that's great.

John: And now they've broken in, they've come down through the air vent, she did not enjoy the experience in any way shape or form. Oh man, this was a tough day. That's like-

Chris: Hot? Cold? What was the temperature? Do you remember?

John: Brutal, brutal hot. Cold at night. Hot at- you know what? There's never-

Dean: Back and forth.

John: It's never comfy on an oil tanker deck.

Chris: No- I’m trying- yeah I'm trying to imagine-

Dean: And there again, there’s Sophie in the distance.

Chris: There she is, that's great.

John: Sophie in the distance. And this is a real fusebox we tacked into. Sorry.

Dean: In city hall?

John: In city hall. 

[Laughter]

John: This was actually a fun thing is, this year we shifted to Hardison not using a signature laptop, but using the minis. 

Chris: Yeah.

John: Because our hacker consultant, Kevin Mitteny told us that's what they're using. They're using $300 computers and throwing them away if they're gonna get busted. And running stuff off the thumb drives.

Dean: And this was the- in the actual cargo hold of the oil tanker, so this was very confined space to shoot in. It looked great, but it was very difficult to light and move the camera around and because the top of the stairs- that was the only stairs that was the only way in and out of that room. So all the lights, all the cameras all had to go up and down stairs- there was no other way in or out.

John: And remind you, Gina’s in this scene later. Gina at, like, 17 months pregnant.

[Laughter]

John: Came down those stairs like a fricken trooper, man. We were just- we were more scared than she was. She was like going down them, and we were like, ‘Ahhh, oh god.’

Chris: Just kind of like [unintelligible] step.

John: It’s an oil tanker! And she’s in like fashion boots, and a kicky top, you know.

Chris: Wow.

John: This was- you know what’s weird? This speech doesn’t advance the plot in any way, shape, or form. This speech is just him selling his character to buy time, and yet it’s really interesting. 

Dean: Yeah this-

John: Tim’s digging in on the character here. It's his evil speech of evil, you know.

Dean: Right

John: And he never gets to give one.

Chris: Yeah, it's interesting when we can do that. We've done that a few times, the- 

John: Glengarry, Glen death.

Chris: Sophie also- also as the Indian pharmaceutical rep gave an evil speech of evil.

John: Yes.

Dean: And this you wrote in the script as the Bourne fade. 

John: Yes.

Dean: Which I thought was the perfect description.

John: It's a perfect- it’s a good shorthand. He's there, and then he’s not there.

Chris: It's great.

John: By the way, Chris has just stepped three feet to the right into a tool locker.

[Laughter]

Dean: Right.

John: There's no actual exit there. And- was there a reason for the 360? Just to keep it- just to be interesting? Because I don't think it was-

Chris: And how hard was that within that space?

Dean: Really hard. But we felt that it was a great way to, again, the world has changed. We thought one thing was going on here, but now we've spun it by-

Chris: And that's steadicam.

Dean: That's all steadicam. Gary Camp.

John: It's weird, because it's also, kind of, Nate Ford buying into his persona there. That's one of the times you really see him.

Dean: And Jackie ‘The Joke Man’ Martling.

John: Who came in and did a great job for us!

Dean: You know what's funny, is that I thought he was just gonna be a comic that you had to teach how to act. But you know what? He really came in with the character, he committed to it, he wasn't just trying to be jokey. I mean, he really knocked it out.

John: He totally gives us serious takes-

Chris: He’s totally convincing as the evidence locker guy.

John: Slightly more convincing than Jeri Ryan in insanely hot pants as the FBI agent. 

[Laughter]

John: I gotta with Jackie here on the verisimilitude scale. Although we did put Jackie in those pants, that didn't work out for us as much. But no, he's great and the kind of vaguely resentful- you can totally see him doing this character on a- 

Dean: And yet he gave us a great exit line here.

John: ‘Oh no, who wants to talk to the evidence guy?’ 

[Laughter]

John: And that was, by the way, that was him, that was not in the script.

Chris: That’s true.

Dean: And not overselling it either.

John: No, no, it was really nice. You could see him playing that role on a cop show.

Dean: Totally.

John: Absolutely. Nate Ford, international man of mystery and arms dealer.

Chris: Peacoat really working well on the boat.

[Laughter]

John: Yeah, nice. It's very much-

Chris: That was a coat waiting for a set.

John: Yeah. Well it's interesting cause- 

Dean: Oh and there's Sophie in the background.

Chris: There’s Sophie!

John: And some people in the first screening kind of caught her, but- 

Chris: Now she's there buying guns? Who’s-?

[Laughter]

John: Well she's- she is buying guns, you know. 

Chris: For her library?

[Laughter]

Dean: Library needs guns, too.

John: Libraries need guns, too. I like to think- I like to think that she is a Swiss buyer.

Chris: No, I mean, it’s a well armed library.

John: She's a Swiss buyer, she’s-

Dean: And here's a nice little turn.

John: Nice swing around. Shot that day on the boat to reveal that they talked. And then over again. Wow, and we all shot this in a real container.

Dean: In a real containter.

Chris: It was for real? Oh, wow.

Dean: Yeah. Now back on the roof, and this is my favorite Parker bit we've ever done. 

Chris: Yeah.

John: Yeah it's tough. There's a lot of good ones, but. 

Dean: But.

John: But we never expected Beth to do this.

Chris: This turn here is great.

Dean: This is the first time since the pilot that we brought back how lethal she can actually be.

John: There's a bit in Stork Job, but boom. Oh yeah and she locked in on Jeris throat on that, too. 

Chris: Yeah.

John: And Jeri goes over the edge. 

Chris: Over the edge. 

John: She's wired, but that's Jeri Ryan hanging over the edge. And it was-

Chris: And again, it was raining and windy. 

John: Raining. Yeah no, they were both fearless up there. 

John: They had a good time up there. They really wound up working well together. And now it's all gone to hell.

Dean: But it's a real callback to that pilot line of, ‘Going to my angry place.’

John: Yeah. This is just- because what's happened is- and just for writing thing, Parker has let her into the family. The only people who are human beings are members of the family. Once Jeri’s betrayed them, she’s moved outside the family, and is an object.

Chris: Well, also to betray the family is-

John: Real ship captain.

Dean: Real ship-

Chris: Oh wow, that's great.

John: You were saying? To betray...

Chris: To betray the family is even worse.

Dean: This is a great hit right here.

Chris: Oh!

Dean: Bam! Man.

John: Yeah- man shooting- that's as wide as that space is, guys. 

Dean: Yeah.

John: That was brutal to be down there.

Dean: And these are two guys from the beginning of the previous episode. So again, if you haven't watched them back to back, you might not realize these are the two guys who shot Bonanno.

Chris: Yeah.

John: Yeah, so you know we've linked up, physically, the bad guys.

Dean: Now that one actually- we put that one actually up there.

John: Yeah, that's a real sign. And this is my favorite, this is one of my favorite character reveals ever, and it's because she's doing one of my favorite characters ever. Gina’s doing Annie Croy here.

Chris: Annie Croy.

Dean: Which, again, ties back to the beginning of the season.

John: Yeah it's almost like we think this through. Yeah and- I'm sorry we're all gonna be quiet here because we all love this.

Dean: ‘Bye now.’

John: ‘Bye now.’

[Laughter]

John: That's fucked up, man. I'm sorry, I'm gonna swear on DVD and say that is fucked up.

Dean: That ‘bye now’ is. 

Chris: The ‘bye now’ throwaway.

Dean: Oh boy, ruthless. And then my second favorite reveal of a character all year.

Chris: Oh.

John: Yeah. No, that's fantastic. And the way Tim sells this like, ‘What the hell is going on?’ No, even writing that character reveal I wasn't sure it would work, and even when we shot it I'm like, ‘Yeah, this works.’ Gina- you've been so waiting to be- hear her voice.

Dean: She is so talented.

John: We've also really lined it up like there’s no out here. We- usually the audience- a smart audience member will see a backdoor we put. There is no backdoor, she's the backdoor. 

Chris: Yeah this was a tricky bit of scripting too, right? I mean we had a ship, and we needed to disable it. I mean, what was- right?

John: It was a lot of wandering around on the ship going, ‘Alright, how does this work exactly?’

Chris: Yeah.

Dean: And even though Tim is out of focus here, you get everything right there.

John: ‘The hell’s going on?’ And she doesn't break character, no.

Dean: Cause she is the ultimate grifter.

John: Yeah, no she does a great- and OK, shoot this guy in the face when I'm off the-’ She's impatient and that's actually kind of a nice thing. And now this.

Dean: Terrific little fight scene shot by Marc Roskin.

John: Yes, at some ungodly hour of the morning. And this is where we pay off the numbers. We've been waiting two years to do this.

Dean: And again, in the actual ship.

John: Yeah, there's a lot of stuff to hurt yourself on. 

Dean: And this gun going off was not easy.

John: Yeah.

Chris: Oof. 

John: Yeah, we're spilling brass all over the inside of the ship. The- this is a brutal fight sequence, all these stunties did- you know, they're banging off metal all over the place.

Dean: In this kind of space, it is so hard to do this safely, these guys were champs. And Christian- I’m telling you, he's amazing in these things.

John: No double.

Chris: Yeah.

Dean: Refuses to get a double.

John: Refused to get a double. There you go, and down, he counts. By the way, we’re not exhibiting superhuman strength here. This is how you break flexicuffs.

Chris: Oh wow, that's a little hulk moment.

John: Yeah, the only thing keeping- if you- if- that's why they flexicuff you behind your back. The only thing keeping you in flexicuffs in front of you is the belief that you should be in flexicuffs. Little survival tip.

Chris: Oh wow.

John: And this is also a favorite bit, because it was really written as a kind of expositional, but Beth found this really weird rhythm near the end of it.

Dean: Oh boy.

John: This is shot with the XD right?

Dean: Yeah.

John: This is all shot with a Prosumer-level camera. 

Dean: She just finds this little bit of evil.

John: ‘Oh, I actually thought you were going to throw me off.’ Yeah, exactly.

Dean: Just this little fake laugh here, just so great. I think it's actually in the two shot, because it has to be in the comedy frame.

John: Yeah the- also the- it's interesting that the- the idea that it's fair enough that they would indeed-

Dean: Here it is.

John: Here it is, coming up. ‘I thought you were actually going to throw me off the roof’. And there she is. The look before hand, the ‘Oh, that's right, this is how humans are supposed to react.’

[Laughter]

John: ‘Eh, I was totally going to throw you off that roof.’ 

Chris: Yeah, that’s great.

John: But the whole understanding that yes we probably- that's actually a favorite line and Jeri really nailed it, which is ‘You would have forgiven him.’ They're all enablers, they're all in this weird broken family, and you know, it's both their strength and their weakness. Also, again, by the way, director thing, I had a whole explanation of how Hardison disarmed the ship, and we had no time to shoot it and you were like, ‘Giant wrench!’

Chris: Giant wrench!

John: You know what he's done.

Chris: When you see a giant wrench, you see that he messed something up.

John: He is a monkey wrencher. You know! It's a term.

Dean: In the comedy frame. so-

John: And by the way, ‘Took you long enough,’ is a recurring theme for the entire back half of the season.

Dean: Right there.

Chris: Oh that's right.

Dean: And she walks by. ‘Huh?’

[Laughter]

Dean: Love it.

John: And then a beautiful over the shoulder. Oh that's a hero shot right there. No, it really is- it’s interesting because it was very scary, because you know, you didn't know how long Gina would be with us going into the season and everything.

Chris: Oh, this is great.

John: And the entire act depends on Sophie being the best grifter on earth.

Chris: Even him-

Dean: And it's just fun to see them all back together again, because we've been starved from it.

Chris: Him being like places where he doesn't know he was all throughout this episode.

John: Yeah, it's a nice running gag actually. And zero. And by the way, it was Chris who caught the count. Chris came up to me and was like, ‘If that's the last guy I'm gonna-’ I was like, ‘Oh, good catch at 2am, nicely done.’ ‘Took you long enough,’ again.

Dean: And this sets up the handcuff bit at the end.

John: Yeah, that was tricky.

Chris: Right he has the handcuffs.

John: Oh god, yeah. Boy this was really easy to keep track of.

[Laughter]

Dean: And both of them really delivered- you know, this is a very short scene that needs a lot of emotions. Because it wraps up really where they are and where they're going next season, and they just did it with looks and with subtext. And it was just terrific.

John: You poor bastard. And also, by the way, what I love about this is, this is the happy ending to most television shows, this moment right here. We then fuck it up.

Dean: Right, exactly.

John: Yeah. They really care for each other, they are really good friends.

Dean: And they're there for each other.

John: And they're there for each other, and he's a broken bastard. And what's great is he walks out of there without really knowing what the rest of the plan is.

Dean: My favorite Richard Kind line right here, ‘I don't know.’

John: ‘I don't know.’

[Laughter]

Chris: That's very Richard Kind. That’s Mad About You, Spin City Richard Kind right there.

John: Yeah, it really is. And by the way, yeah, only two ways out of this. That seems like a design flaw to me. Because that front window is a 40 foot drop onto the deck of the ship; you can't get out through that front window. 

Chris: Oh wow.

John: Yeah if you lock these doors, they ain’t going anywhere. Yeah, and a nice run and gun there, and there's also a little mini scene we blew off there with Paul sort of turning on Richard. Hero moment, hero- the team together.

Dean: By the way, those are some digital effects to remove the pregnant belly.

John: Nice, nicely done.

Chris: Oh really, wow.

Dean: Yes.

Chris: I say it a lot.

John: And nice hug.

Dean: And also just on a small note, we couldn't afford two helicopters. Because we had a helicopter in the scene, and we also needed a helicopter that could shoot the scene. So we used the same helicopter for both and then just digitally erased the camera that was mounted on the end of the helicopter.

Chris: Wait wait, so in other words when you're up there with them you're also shooting- the cameras below it?

Dean: So in other words- yeah, so when you see the helicopter arrive later, there was actually a camera attached to it.

John: A giant camera rig on it, like the size of a VW bug on the bottom of it.

Dean: But we erased it.

Chris: Oh that's amazing.

John: Yeah. Yeah and Sophie’s thought of everything. There's a way out, you hear sirens, it's all coming together. 

Dean: And it's fun to see them back together again.

Chris: And again, not that we do this typically. But this was, in a sense, this scene was kind of conceived of first, this scene and him on the deck. 

Dean: Right.

John: That's right.

Chris: That we were leading up to.

John: The original version of the script is, it opens with him bleeding out on the deck and you have no idea where he is.

Chris: But I'm saying even in the beginning of the season.

John: Oh yeah.

Chris: This scene was kind of where the show was going. How we were gonna get there was the question.

John: You don’t- everyone has their different ways. Before we shot a frame of season two, I knew it ended with Nate Ford saying, ‘I'm a thief.’

Chris: Right. But even- but even on a- also on the deck of a ship remember- I remember that.

John: Yeah, on the deck of a ship.

Dean: Now I think this ending is one of the bigger endings we’ve ever done, and it's really the most emotional ending I've ever done.

John: Really? I dunno you and I-

Dean: More than I was expecting it to be.

John: You and I disagree, because we all have our favorite stuff, but yeah, it-

Chris: It’s certainly a huge hero moment.

John: It's a huge hero moment, and they're all making great choices. Eliot really wants to just tear through these guys, and Nate’s not gonna let him.

Dean: Yeah.

John: Yeah. 

Dean: He's being a good dad for once.

John: Yeah. He’s- and by the way, again, this is not the right choice, he shouldn't have lied to them, he shouldn't have had a plan he didn't tell them, he shouldn’t- he's a control freak. Even in his moment of sacrifice, he's a selfish, alcoholic bastard.

[Laughter]

Dean: That's right.

John: I just wished to make sure nobody makes sure nobody thinks he's being super heroic here. He doesn't really change that much. 

Chris: That’s true.

John: No, and this was fun, we had all different kinds of versions of lockers and found out that yeah, that's how they keep a lot of evidence.

Dean: That’s crazy.

John: That was fun though too, also, you only had two rows of those evidence lockers, so you staggred them to shoot through them to make it look-

Dean: To make it seem like they went on forever.

Chris: Yeah where was that? Where-?

John: That was on set that was- remember the small soundstage we had?

Chris: Oh, ok.

Dean: It was actually a reworking of the set at the end of 207 at the airport. 

John: Yes. It was the airport, but we just moved it over to the other stage. And I also love the idea again- Nate and Sterling are playing a game that just nobody else gets to be a part of. This is just- this is just nine moves ahead guys. 

Dean: Right.

John: There's another version of the show where Katie O'Grady chases Eliot, Parker, and Hardison for an entire season, yeah, but in this version. ‘I can feel you thinking’ he knows him, he knows him that well. He knows the counter move- no, they really dug in here. And by the way, it's 110 degrees on that deck, Tim’s in a peacoat handcuffed to a rail. He's working his ass off here. 

Dean: With the turtleneck.

John: With the turtleneck, yeah. Oh and just the sheer rage Katie O'Grady is radiating there. 

Chris: Now what time- what day- part of the shooting day was this? Did you make-?

John: This was morning.

Chris: This was, like, first thing?

Dean: Yeah, this was the first shot.

Chris: Is that a challenge to do the most emotional thing first?

Dean: It is, and especially because when we started shooting it we were in cloud cover and then halfway through the scene the sun came out. And so then trying to make that all work was really difficult. 

Dean: This, I thought, was surprisingly more emotional than I anticipated when we were there.

John: Well it was weird because when we were there, we couldn't quite get the staging, and they seemed like they were standing really far away. ‘Cause the deck was bigger than we thought.

Dean: Right.

John: And no- well this is the shot because by shooting this way, you get intimate, it feels like they're right on top of them. The other reverse kind of shows you the space.

Chris: I think it also parallels from season one, also-

John: Yeah it does, it does.

Chris: The scene where they’re standing around, really nicely.

Dean: But they're all disappointed in him, which is great. He sacrificing for them, but that's not what they want.

John: No. And he lied to them. And he's- you’re an idiot, I mean, that's really what Eliot’s thinking right there.

Chris: Yeah.

Dean: Yeah.

John: Like, ‘You know what? If you just talk to us.; I really never realized how [unintelligible] this episode is. 

Chris: It is.

John: It’s a big hero sacrifice, but it’s- you know he really broke the family. Again.

Chris: Yeah.

Dean: And Gina just nails this scene. I mean, we waited for this kiss for two seasons.

John: Yeah.

Dean: And it comes out, and she's crushed by it. It’s great.

John: Yeah. And again, and- you know this is a big hero moment in his head and she calls him on it. Because she- and this is what's interesting, Sophie Deveraux is a more advanced human being than Nate Ford is at this point. She went away, she took her space-

Chris: Right.

John: You know. 

Dean: And she lets him have it.

John: In the same way he let her have it at the end of season one, she's letting him have it at the end of season two. I love that look, by the way, that Eliot- Chris and Mark really set up the fact that they can't stand each other, really well.

Chris: And here, you know, the relationship between these two kicks in also. 

John: Yeah.

Chris: Between Nate and Sterling.

John: Yeah, the fact that he held it together- and they don't know, by the way. 

Chris: Right.

John: They have no idea when they're leaving.

Dean: That little look with Christian is just great.

John: And there's a camera mount on that helicopter.

Dean: That's been erased.

Chris: That's great.

John: ‘Who the hell is this guy?’ That- this is- you’re right, we wrote the ending first.

Chris: Yeah, I remember, this was-

Dean: He goes, ‘I don’t know.’

John: I remember this was the first thing ever.

Dean: This was the end of the arc. ‘I'm a thief.’

John: ‘And I'm a thief.’ I mean this is a callback to him saying I'm not a thief for two years. 

Dean: Right.

John: Wow. Thank god this is the last episode of the show.

Chris: And we’re not listening- and we can't hear it here in the commentary, but Joe Le Duca did- the orchestration for this is absolutely fantastic.

Dean: It's actually the first time he went and got a real orchestra. 

John: Yeah.

Dean: Went to Salt Lake City and recorded with a real orchestra, and I mean the scale of this is outstanding.

John: It's giant. 35- I think we had close to half a- 50 FBI agents here. And just cars, helicopters, and this is a big- this is a big hero moment, man. This is a film ending, you know.

Dean: Yeah, it really is.

John: This is it. I love his choice here, it's like, ‘And if I die, I'm totally cool with that.’

Chris: Oh here we go.

John: And he's bleeding out, can you see?

Dean: See the blood on the ground.

John: The blood- he's bleeding out. There's no guarantee Nate Ford will make it.

[Laughter]

Chris: Wow.

John: Which was fun actually shooting this, ‘cause Tim really loved this. And two days before we finished shooting, he turned to me and went, ‘Wait am I dead?’

[Laughter]

Chris: Oh that’s something.

Dean: Stay tuned for season three and you'll find out.

John: I know. No kidding, you'll find out.

Dean: Thank you again for hanging in there with us and listening to this commentary.

John: We had a great time and we really appreciate you guys watching the show.

Chris: And thanks again for watching season two; we can't wait to bring you season three.

John: And thank you, Portland.

Dean: Yes.

John: Big thank you, Portland.

[stillsearchingforsomething]

And that’s the thing about illicit affairs

July 2020

“Oh my god!” Karlie exclaims nearly dropping her phone in shock at what she just read. She reaches behind her to pat the covers where she assumes Taylor is still sleeping, her eyes still glued to her screen.  

When she doesn’t receive any response, she drops her phone and shifts over to her other side and smiles at the fact that Taylor has somehow managed to cocoon herself so deep in the covers that only the very top of her hair is showing.

Karlie shuffles closer to the lump of blankets and reaches out to shake her gently. “Taylor, wake up,” she whispers.

Karlie rolls her eyes at the lack of response and brings her head down to rest on her hand and tries to peel back the covers Taylor has tightly wrapped around herself. She drops small kisses on her hair, the back of her neck and that spot just underneath her ear hoping to rouse her.

She takes a second to appreciate how soft and relaxed Taylor looks whilst she’s sleeping. This is the fourth album cycle that Karlie has been around for and she knows just how much work Taylor pours into each one, and the relief Taylor feels when it’s finally released and she can’t worry about it anymore. And doing this one in secret whilst not physically in the same place as her co-writers and producers had added an extra layer of complexity to the process.

So Karlie is glad that Taylor is taking advantage of the fact that there has been pretty much no gruelling promotion tour for this album so that she can take this time to rest.

Until she remembers that she has a bone to pick with her and so she gives her another nudge.

Taylor still doesn’t fully wake up but she does let out a low grumble and her eyes screw shut even tighter and it’s obvious that she is fighting a losing battle to cling to sleep.

“Baby, wake up,” Karlie whispers directly into Taylor’s ear and Karlie almost laughs at the pitiful whine that escapes Taylor.

“No,” Taylor mumbles reaching out a hand towards Karlie and she ends up patting her lightly on the forehead. 

“Baby,” Karlie says softly, shifting over so that she’s settled more comfortably, almost on top of Taylor.

Taylor lets out a deep sigh as she realises that Karlie is not going to be deterred so resistance is futile. “What?” she snaps opening her eyes to glare at Karlie.

Karlie can’t help but think that it would be more effective if Taylor wasn’t so adorably sleep-rumpled, her voice low and scratchy and her hair an absolute mess. She can also tell that Taylor is fighting to keep a smile off her face by the slight quirk of her lips so she knows that she’s not really in trouble for waking her up.

Karlie pats around the covers on her own side of the bed for her phone, unwilling to roll off of where she’s perched on top of Taylor unless absolutely necessary. Taylor for one, is not complaining, enjoying the way Karlie’s loose sleep shirt falls off one of her shoulders with all her wriggling.

“Have you seen this??” Karlie asks as she unlocks her phone and turns her screen towards Taylor.

Taylor squints at Karlie’s phone, the brightness a little much for her sleepy eyes but she reads the tweet on Karlie’s phone aloud. “Who knew that every time Karlie Kloss went out running, she was actually getting banged by Taylor Swift.”

Taylor can’t help the snort that bubbles out of her before she has even finished followed by peals of laughter.

When she looks to Karlie, who is staring expectantly at Taylor from behind her phone and realises that she is not laughing along with her, Taylor does her best to school her features and look contrite.

“Oops?” she offers with a small shrug of her shoulders.

“Oops? That’s all you have to say for yourself?” Karlie says incredulously. “Fucking oops??”

Taylor knows by the small smile on her face that Karlie isn’t really mad so doesn’t even try to suppress her wide smile.

“Taylor, this isn’t funny I’m never going to be able to go for a run again” Karlie whines, dropping her head down to rest on Taylor’s shoulder.

Taylor brings her arms around to circle Karlie’s waist and pulls her closer, rubbing soothing lines up and down her back. She enjoys the way she can feel Karlie melt into her and she turns to press a kiss to Karlie’s forehead.

“I know something else you could do instead…” Taylor says suggestively, waggling her eyebrows at Karlie.

“You’re trouble,” Karlie sighs before ducking down to kiss Taylor soft and slow at first but then deeply when she licks her way into Taylor's mouth.

“You love me,” Taylor whispers when they break apart, grinning up at Karlie. She watches Karlie roll her eyes at her and then feels more than hears the mumbled “mmm” that’s pressed against her lips as Karlie swoops down again to kiss her hotly.

[taztaas]

My Boy Builds Coffins

Inspired by: My Boy Builds Coffins by Florence + The Machine Sunlight by Hozier 

Relationships: Kravitz & RQ, Taakitz

It starts like this:

A wagon rolls into town one afternoon. All colors, shameless shanties and swaying lanterns - gently glowing. 

With it, a group of three. One man, and - this is crucial - two elves, twins to be exact.

And most importantly, an elf twin named Taako.

*

The funeral home smells like dust. Dust, always dust no matter how much they clean. Dust, sometimes flowers, and that certain smell most enterers can’t identify but both remaining members of the MacAllister family know is death, death.

*

Her son stands at the window in the front in his black suit, his white-gloved hands clasped neatly behind his back, like usual. Like every day since his father died.

“Brooding,” she says.

“Thinking,” he says, or “I’m just people-watching, Mother.”

“You think too much,” she says and it makes him smile a little, but all it does is remind her of the days when he was young and happier and hopeful. And how all that joy withered to nothing, slowly but surely.

*

Kravitz used to play with the litter of kittens behind their neighbor's barn, until one day, they were just gone. Something was wrong, she knew immediately when he came home with a slow opening of the door and his footsteps barely audible on the hardwood floor. She was washing the dishes when it happened.

“They're dead, aren't they,” he asked, just a boy still, his hair curling just barely below his ears and she had said yes because they both knew it was the truth. He looked thoughtful but wouldn't look at her, his mother, in the eye.

“I hope they didn't suffer,” he said absently as he climbed up the stairs to his room. She was left alone in the kitchen with her hands covered in dishwater, and with a lump in her throat she fought hard to swallow.

*

Put in a burlap sack and thrown into the lake they were. She tried not to think about it. She hoped her son didn’t know.

*

Working at the funeral home is not what Raven wanted for her son but it’s what they both ended up with. Kravitz grew from a somber boy into a somber man and it saddens her to see him so serious.

“A damn shame,” his father, her husband, would say if he was still alive. But he lived his life building coffins, he left this life in a coffin and all he left them was coffins.

Now Kravitz builds them, for better or worse, in sunshine and rain.

*

She joins him by the window just in time to see one of the elves blow Kravitz a kiss. The shock on her son's face, his feathers ruffled, makes her hide a smile in her palm.

*

The elves are a wild kind. They talk too loud, they laugh too loud. They wear too little or too much, they dress so strangely.

“They stay out too long after sundown, and their windows are lit until close midnight,” Susan tells her in a stage-whisper, a basketful of fresh-baked, elven-made goods hanging on her arm, the hypocrite.

Raven looks at the bakery window, sees the elves laughing and tossing flour at each other. She sees people leaving the establishment with their hands full and their mouth smiling.

“They sing such terrible songs,” Susan continues, hissing, like it’s all some kind of devious conspiracy.

Raven realizes she never liked her, truly.

*

“He’s busy, probably,” Kravitz says under his breath, wringing his gloved hands. “Most- most likely.”

“More the reason why you should go offer a helping hand, Kravitz,” she says without looking up from the flowers she’s arranging. It’s been a week already, and Raven has heard all the rumors, while Kravitz has just been looking. He feels safe behind the glass, she figures, though the window is a poor cover to hide behind.

Raven prefers to leave her son to his own devices most of the time, but she has seen. She can’t help but notice the way Kravitz’s eyes have been glued to one of the elves in particular. The brother, Raven knows by now. The sister is married to the human they arrived with.

“I don’t think-”

“You think too much,” she says again and leaves the flowers in favor of grabbing her son’s arm and dragging him towards the door. “Just go , Kravitz.”

“Mother!”

“Go, and don’t let Susan catch you, or we’ll never hear the end of it,” she says and ushers him, pushes him , out of the door and towards the bakery on the opposite side of the street. The building smells like cinnamon, fresh bread and has an atmosphere that livens up the whole village.

*

The next morning, Kravitz comes down the stairs looking like he always does but somehow, he’s different.

She’s his mother, she can tell.

She smiles at him.

He smiles back.

She feels her heart jump with joy.

*

Kravitz is quiet and gentle. A soul born in cold and rain.

She remembers that night well.

It’s a boy!

Her baby cradled in her shaking arms, her husband’s hand was heavy and proud on her shoulder. Just like his mother , the midwife had said. Dark skin, hair black as winter night but unlike her, his eyes like pieces of coal ready to spark with flame.

Congratulations, Mr. MacAllister, they said to him, ignoring her.

She hummed a tune and held her son while outside, white November turned into a grey December.

The night was long but in the morning there was sunlight, sunlight.

*

They’re in the back room having tea when front door bangs open and makes them both jump. Raven manages to hold onto her cup - and avoid an incident - but Kravitz spills his and he peels his soaked gloves off with a hiss and a grimace.

They both know who it is, even without the carelessly spoken oops that follows. There’s only one person who would enter a funeral home in such a way.

They move to the front to greet their guest, Raven still cradling her cup in both her hands. She smiles to herself as she observes the tension in her son’s shoulders melt away. Taako’s very presence seems to help lessen the gloomy atmosphere of the room.

“Goddamn it’s grim around here, would it kill you two to have some music on or something?” Taako complains as he invites himself in with a basket full of something sweet-smelling hanging on the crook of his arm.

“Would it kill you not to torture us with your baking Taako?” Raven asks good-naturedly averting her eyes from the scene. The way Kravitz’s face lits up with a smile is enough for her. She knows her son is in love, she doesn’t feel the need to spy on the pair’s reunion. though their separation has been brief, they saw each other yesterday, last.

Taako scoffs, “It's not torturing if I'm bringing you some.” He drops his basket on the very expensive, wooden desk and out of the corner of her eye, Raven notices the crumbs now littering the surface. Kravitz does not. He’s too busy staring into Taako’s eyes.

She hums in answer and lifts the cloth over the basket, grabbing one of the scones she finds underneath to enjoy with her tea.

Taako grabs Kravitz by the forearms and pulls him into a gentle sway, humming a melody.

She leaves the room with her delicious prize, knowing her son is in good hands. Kravitz’s voice is warm and Taako’s laugh is high and tinkling.

*

They reach the summer solstice. Their little town is much changed from before the brightly-colored wagon arrived. The midsummer festival with its flower crowns, birch saplings, and the huge bonfire remains constant, however.

Raven skips the festivities, just like every year. But this year she enjoys the look on her son’s face when he’s dragged out of the house by Taako.

She has an uneasy feeling but she tries to ignore it, as she often presumes the worst. 

But also, she’s never wrong.

*

Come dawn, the bakery burns.

*

“They’re dead, all three”, they say, when the sun has revealed the destruction in its entirety. Raven can see her son’s world crumbling into pieces as their eyes meet.

Good riddance, some of them say.

Some say, they knew the three newcomers were somehow wicked.

They’re all dead, the human man and the elves both.

In her mind’s eye, she sees Kravitz’s hands making a coffin.

A coffin for his lover.

White like a dove, the bird, and the loving nickname he gave his beloved.

She hates the world for being so cruel.

*

She doesn’t see Kravitz cry but she knows better than to assume he doesn’t.

His gloves are gone now. Replaced by bandages covering his burned hands, wounded when he and disappointingly few others dug through the still-smoldering rubble of the bakery. They all knew they would find no survivors. But Kravitz had wanted to confirm, to see the dreadful truth with his own eyes.

*

By the time it’s obvious that the fire was no accident, they’ve found no bodies. Raven doesn’t know what to think of it, but she dares to hope. Kravitz paces the hardwood floors, his eyes empty and dead.

*

It’s a cool and quiet night, a week after the fire when they hear a gentle rapping at their window.

Kravitz only has eyes for his untouched bowl on soup. His spoon is idly stirring, but Raven looks up and gasps, loud, as she spots a wayward flash of golden hair in the darkness behind the glass.

Kravitz stirs and raises his eyes to her but she’s already hurrying to the window, pulling at the latches and pushing it open.

She hears Kravitz’s chair fall to the floor as he rushes to his feet because it’s Taako, leaning against the frame like he isn’t supposed to be dead. He doesn't look good, doesn't look well but he isn't dead

“Looking grim as usual, MacAllisters,” he quips with a grin that softens first into a smile and then turns into a frown as he takes in Kravitz’s rumpled suit and messy hair. “You look tired hon, wait, what happened to your han-?”

Taako cuts off as Kravitz surges violently forward with a choked gasp of the elf’s name and then they are both tumbling out of the window and down onto the dewy grass below.

*

“Taako, he- I mean, they’re leaving and he wants- no he, he needs me to go with him.”

“I know, Kravitz,” she says gently and reaches for his hands, holds them between hers.

“Mother,” he says, his eyes sorry and pleading. “Mother, I’m-”

“I know , Kravitz.” She smiles. “I loved, once. Truly loved. But it was a different time,” she says and thinks of golden eyes and long silver hair even though she shouldn't. Her husband was a good man.

“You must go, Kravitz.”

She brushes the hair out of his eyes and cradles his cheek.

“You must live.”  

He sobs and surges forward to embrace her. To her shame, it catches her off guard. She squeezes her eyes shut against the tears, hides her face in her son’s hair.

“I promise I’ll write,” he chokes out.

“And I will treasure every letter,” she replies, her voice shaking but she is smiling - of course she is. She can’t recall a time when she last felt this happy.

*

In the morning, Raven takes her tea out to the back porch, eats a leftover scone, and basks in sunlight, sunlight.

[fairyofthefriz]

SanSan Secret Santa 2019

@l60014​, hello and Merry Christmas!  The prompt was “How’s that going to fit?!”  I hope this is ok! 

  “How’s that going to fit?!”  The breathy gasp is the sort of thing one might expect to hear in a brothel, winesink or behind the stables.  It is not what one expects to hear from the room of the eldest Princess in the North.  

Any Northman worth his salt would have interrupted for the sake of Crown Princess Eddara’s honour.  Any guard who heard those words would have hammered at the door till the old weirwood rattled.  Sandor Clegane, the Wolf’s Hound and sworn shield of her grace Queen Sansa, banged the door open and stepped into the thirteen-year-old’s rooms with bared steel and raging bloodlust. 

Twin screams reached his ears, and two little princesses dived over the side of Eddara’s feather bed. 

“Athair!”  Two heads, one brunette and the other auburn, peeked back up over the edge of the bed. 

“Where’s the boy?”  Sandor growled, eyes flicking about the room.  There were clothes scattered across the bed, sheets rumpled, and Sandor was going to shove his dagger so far up this cunt’s arse –!

“There isn’t a boy!” Aenor snapped.   

“… You aren’t Lannisters,” Sandor snapped back, still looking.  “What were you doing with each other?” 

“What?  Athair, we were trying on dresses!”  Sandor had watched over the girls since the moment their mother brought them into this world, had trained both girls in weapon-craft since they were three years old, and had done the same again to their three little sisters.  Of Sansa Stark’s five Little Wolves, not a one had taken after their mother’s love of pretty dresses – the closest they ever got was the knee-length, half-slit style favoured by the southernmost of the Free Folk women.  It was said that Sansa’s Little Wolves were wilder than any of old Maege Mormont’s Little Bears. 

“Really.” 

“Promise!”  They exclaimed together, Eddara throwing her proof at him and pulling a discarded tunic back towards herself across the bed and tugging it on.  

Sansa had made the grey gown he now held for her heir to wear to a Harvest Festival when the twins were nine, and it had been worn all of five minutes before Eddara had shirked it for a formal tunic and breaches that she had made.  It hadn’t been touched in the four years since. 

“Mother was really upset today,” Aenor offered, scuffing her feet, “So we thought to cheer her up by being proper ladies.  We were going to take her lemon cakes and tea, too.” 

“Catelyn, Robbin, and Branda can all fit in to some of our old things, but we’re having trouble with stuff for us.”  Eddara finished, morose.  “Catey’s helping the little girls into their things whilst we deal with this.” 

Sandor snorted, sheathed his steel, and ruffled both heads.   

“You had me worried.  I thought some up-jumped cunt had snuck in here.” 

Two sets of eyes – one grey, the other blue – blink up at him, and then he is met with identical looks of pure disgust. 

“As if,” Eddara spat.  “I’m going to be like Mother – I don’t need a husband to be Queen!” 

“And Mother says we’re not to let boys sweet-talk us until we know for sure that it’s not because they want the honour of a Stark Princess.”  Aenor paused for a moment, then said, “Though, I suppose it’d be alright if that Ander Arryn tried to woo me.  Queen of the East wouldn’t be a terrible title, and Uncle Robert would make him let me visit whenever I want.” 

Sandor shook his head at them again, pride growing thick and hot in his chest.  The Little Bird had grown into a fierce Red Wolf, and had taught all her babes the lessons she had once learnt through blood and tears. 

“Should I check on the littler Wolves, then?” 

“There won’t be any boys in there, Athair, Catey locked the door.” 

“You want any help here?” Both girls giggle up at him, and it is one of the sweetest sounds he has ever heard in all his life.  

“No, Athair, we’ll be alright!  Thank you.” 

“Want to try and alter one of your Aunt Arya’s old dresses?  Or one of your mother’s?” Aenor chews at her lip – a habit she picked up from her aunt that her mother despairs over – and Eddara shakes her head slowly. 

“What if Mother sees you and asks you what you’re doing?  You never lie to Mother, so, leave it be until we’re ready.  Although, can you bring Mother into our solar in two hours, please?” 

“Are you sure you’ll be ready by then, pups?” 

“Aye!  Even if we don’t have dresses that look proper, we can still put on airs and graces and try and make Mother laugh!” 

With a bark of laughter, Sandor ruffled their hair again, and continued on his round of the royal family. As the twins had said, he found the three youngest princesses in Catey’s room on the bed in a chain – Catelyn brushed out Robb’s auburn curls whilst the seven-year-old brushed out Branda’s thick, straight locks, the five-year-old humming and playing with her Dame Dolly.

“Athair!”  Branda squealed.  “Sit in front, let me make your hair pretty for Mama too!” 

“If my hair is pretty, then no one will fear me,” Sandor said, closing the door behind himself.  “The twins said you had locked the door, Catey.” 

The nine-year-old had inherited her aunt’s impossible brunette hair, and had concentrated so on her baby sisters that she had let it fluff out about her face like a tangle of briars.  It was so wild that Sandor was hard-pressed to spot her blue eyes or bladed nose through it all.  

“Oops.  Sorry, Athair, I was going to, but Branda kept running in and out for everything, and we just forgot to after the last time.” 

“It’s not my fault!” Branda cried, trying to twist around.  

Robb growled at her, and tugged her back to face forward once again. 

“Here, pup,” Sandor grumbled, sitting on the floor against the bed, with his back to the littlest princess.  “You can brush it out for me, but no more.  I’m going to go and check on your mother soon – why is she upset?” 

“She was in meetings all day without us or Aunt Brienne,” Catey whispered, trying to order Robb’s curls into a braided bun like Sansa favoured.  “People want to offer marriage contracts for us, but since Mother has no husband and only the Free Folk know who made us with her, people are still trying to offer contracts to Mother or give a contract for us on the condition they know who fathered us.  And Aunt Arya sent a raven that made her mad this morning, and Uncle Rickon hasn’t sent anything from Skagos in weeks, and Uncle Jon won’t come down from the Wall even though he says he found Direwolf pups for us, and Uncle Bran sent a letter that made her even madder.” 

“That sounds very serious, then.  Maybe I should go and check on her, after all?” 

“Only after I’ve finished your hair, Athair! Mother loves your hair!” Branda demands, tugging insistently. 

Luckily for Sandor, she doesn’t take too much longer, and so he can continue on to the Queen’s chambers.  Brienne of Tarth stands guard outside, and Sandor has known the wench long enough now to see just how uncomfortable she is. 

“Clegane.  You’re early; your shift won’t start for another few hours, yet.”  

“The Little Wolves told me to come.  Go over there a bit; I’ll see what I can do.” Brienne nods, still formal even sixteen years later, and shifts enough that he can knock and enter comfortably. 

“Little Bird?”  The Queen was sitting by her window, unpicking stitches with a deliberate determination, face a cold mask.  The wolfgirls had told him true: their mother was not in high spirits. 

“Sandor – surely I haven’t missed the changing of the guard!” 

“No, no, I’m early.  The pups sent me.” 

Sansa gave a tight smile, rubbing her hands down her face.  

“Is something wrong?” 

“They’re worried for you; you’ve been ill-tempered all day.” 

“… I suppose so.  I’ll go to them in a moment and apologise.” 

“No, let them be.  I’ve been sent to keep you busy for another little while, anyway.” 

She quirks a tired brow at him, holding a hand out. “Have you?” 

He takes her hand and squeezes gently.  “Aye, if my Queen can spare an hour or two for an old dog.” 

“For you, my love, I would give you all the time in the world.” 

“Would you give me the answer to what has you so ill-tempered?” That emotionless mask slips back over her features, but Sandor won’t have any of that.  He kisses the back of her hand, brushes his lips over each knuckles and plants a kiss over the pulse in her wrist. 

“I’m not –” 

“You are, Bird, what’s wrong?” 

“Nobles calling the girls Snow instead of Stark; Arya being a brat; Rickon not talking to me; Bran talking to me too much; Jon being stupid – take your pick.” 

“That sounds like a regular day for the Queen in the North.  Tell me true, Bird, why is today different?” 

Something that might be another smile passes over her lips, but instead of answering him she says, “Jon found Direwolf pups for the children.  There’s a mother, for me, and six pups; five girls and a boy.” 

She twists her hand under his, taking his hand and bringing it to her belly.  “I was thinking of Donnor, for this one.” 

He crouches, takes a moment to breath in slowly, a smile blooming across his wasted face and both hands resting against the little life growing inside of her. 

“No,” he chokes.  “Rickon will pitch a fit if he is the only one that you do not honour. Call the babe Rickard, for him and for your grandfather.” 

“I ought to have known, without Jon’s message,” Sansa grumbles half-heartedly.  “My humours are never steady when I’m with child.”  She licks her lips and looks up at him through her lashes.  “Just in case, though, perhaps we should make sure that the seed took.” 

“In the daytime, your grace?”  He grins.  “With the wench only just down the hall?” 

Sansa laughs, cups his face and kissed him. “I think after five children Dame Brienne is fully aware of what we do behind closed doors, my love.” 

There was a cough from the door.  “Your Grace, the Princesses request an audience.” 

“Fucking really?”  He demanded, easing himself from his crouch.  “I thought we had two hours?!” 

Sansa laughs behind him, and from the other side of the door he can hear five little giggles.  He can picture all of them so clearly, every hair and every freckle.  He knows all his ladies, their faces long or heart-shaped, tall or taller still.  He thinks of the wolves that Jon is sending – thinks of the son that will soon be with them, pictures a child that matches Sansa, like Aenor, or himself, like Eddara, who takes the hair colour of one parent and the eyes of another, like Catey and Robb, or mixes everything together like Branda.  He doesn’t know what this new babe will look like: but he cannot wait to find out. 

He opens the door and growls out, “Come here, pups.  Your mother has something to tell you.”

[punishandenslavesuckers]

Magnus needs to do warlock-related grocery shopping and Alec volunteers to help. It’s a little weird, but it’s all part and parcel with the whole ‘dating an immortal’ thing. Right? Takes place sometime between Season 2 and 3. (ao3 link here)

Alec can always tell when Magnus is working on new magic because the apartment door is dirty with warding and he can hear, faintly, the rumbles of house music vibrating through the doorjamb. The average noise muffling charm doesn’t work as well when you put your hands right on the edge of it. Alec knocks for a good thirty seconds before he nears the music volume drop. He knocks again.  

Magnus answers the door looking a bit distracted – barefoot, wearing sweats, a soft sleeveless hoodie, and a great streak of white oak ash across his forehead. The air around him smells vaguely of orange juice and ozone. The warlock blinks at him. 

“Alexander,” he enthuses, lighting up, then seems to remember he was in the middle of something. “Uh.” He starts to reach for the ash with some intention of cleaning it off, stops, looks mildly exasperated. “You have terrible timing. I’m not really presentable and I’m engaged at the moment.”

Alec raises a hand with a bag of take-out hanging from it. 

“Dot said you’d been working on a new spell and you never eat when you do that, so...”

Magnus contemplates the take-out bag. “Very well. You’re allowed.” He snaps his fingers and Alec feels something pop in the air directly in front of him. “Come in. Come in.”

Magnus vanishes from the door, disappearing into his apartment. Alec steps carefully across the threshold, feeling the on-skin slide of whatever Fuck Off enchantment lies passively across the open door, dragging across his shoulders like fingers. Magnus’ magic has a certain texture to it, familiar as the smell in the man’s clothes. Alec shrugs it off with a physical roll of his arms then feels the ward pop closed behind him again, the door swinging shut of its own accord. The house music grumbles quietly near the floorboards somehow.

Magnus is clambering onto a large wood table in the centre of the living room. Alec has never seen this particular table in Magnus’ apartment before and all the furniture has been shoved into the corners of the room to make space for it.

The table is choked with half-used candles fused to the wood with melted wax, dozens of protection charms iron-nailed into the side of the table, ribbons twisting in tangles of knot wards. Magnus crouches on top of the table, glaring down at the alchemic circle half drawn there, twiddling a length of chalk between slender and extremely dusty fingers. His nail polish is chipped.

“How long have you been at this?”

“I’m not sure, I jostled a few temporal lines to speed things up and lost some time.”

Alec rolls his eyes. “Whatever.”

Magnus grins at him. “Did you really come out here just to make sure I’m fed and watered?”

“I used to own a cat when I was a kid, so I need to give you at least that amount of attention.”  

Magnus presses a hand over his breastbone. “Be still my beating heart. The romance.”

Alec sets the food down on the couch, then approaches the table and the warlock crouched on top. He peers cautiously at the designs Magnus is putting down.

“What are you working on?”

“A new kind of protection spell.” Magnus brushes chalk dust from a mark. “One to employ as a backup when dealing with demonic entities. If done right, it should generate a kind of barrier making it impossible for a named entity to exact physical harm.” Magnus’ gaze is on the tabletop as he speaks, gears visibly spinning behind his eyes. “It is a difficult challenge. It can be done, has been done in the past, but recreating the method…”

“You gonna come down and eat or do I have to come over there?”

“Just a moment,” Magnus says, leaning down to scribble something.

Alec takes a seat on one of the couches shoved to the side of the room. He takes the moment to study Magnus, absorbed in his work, still in a way that was seldom true of Brooklyn’s high-energy High Warlock. He seems to have forgotten his promise of ‘just a moment’ and drops his weight onto knees, reaching across the table to fill in a blank space. Frowning. Erasing it with his thumb and trying again. The candle-light shifts warm gold across the lines of muscle in his arms, glowing against the planes of his cheekbone when he ducks his head to mutter at something.

“I can feel you looking at me,” Magnus says, not stopping in his writing.

Alec props his chin in his palm. “You’re fun to watch when you’re working.”

Magnus snorts, sitting back on the balls of his feet, one hand braced against the table. “You mean when I’m covered in dust and in need of a shower?”

“You could snap your fingers and not be dusty.”

“That would ruin the creative process.”

“Get off the table and come here.”

“You’reruining the creative process,” Magnus mutters, but without a trace of meaning it.

Alec stretches a little, casually. “For a five-hundred-year-old warlock, you’re very easily distracted then.”

“Nice try. I’m not telling you how old I am.”

“Eight-hundred?” Alec hazards.

“Rude.”

“Fine. Keep your secrets.” A pause. “But, honestly, is there a reason you don’t tell anyone your age? Like, beyond the fact you find it kind of funny to lie outrageously to confuse people? Other warlocks seem to have no problem bragging about their actual years.”

For a moment, it seems like Magnus is going to ignore him.

Then:

“To lay a spell on someone, the more intimate and complex of curses, you are best armed with knowledge of your target. The more I obfuscate, the more difficult it is for more powerful enemies to arm themselves against me. I am Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn, but that is only the most shallow facet of my identity and the older I get, the more obscure the Truth of me is buried.” He looks up. “It’s just safer for me to keep details hazy.” He grins to break the beat of sobriety. “Annoying others is just a perk.”

Alec is working up a sarcastic answer when all of the ribbons hanging from the table jolt and start spinning wildly, caught up in a wind that does not blow on the same plane of reality as the apartment they hang in. Magnus, seeing this, goes, “Oops,” and quickly swipes away a mark on the table and extinguishes a candle between his thumb and forefinger. The ribbons stop spinning and hang peacefully again.

Alec frowns. “What was that?”

“Hmm? Oh. My signal wards? They tell me visually when there’s something encroaching on my spell work.”

“What?”

“Means I’ve attracted the attention of a spirit or entity and it’s best to pull back.” Then, when this vague explanation gets him a look, Magnus says, “This particular spell invokes protections from higher but non-angelic powers. But setting anchors for it is somewhat like throwing a dart at a board in another dimension, hoping it will stick.”

“Except someone might throw the dart back in your face?” Alec hazards.

“Yes, precisely.”

“So that was… something thinking about attacking you?”

“Oh.” Magnus sees where he’s errored in Alec’s worried tone. “Oh. No, Alec, not necessarily,” he says, hopping down from the table. He crosses the room to take a seat beside him, gesturing emphatically. “The wards don’t detect intent. They just tell me when entities of a certain nature and size are… turning their awareness to my casting spell. It would be very difficult for one to reach me here. They could sever my enchantment, which would be a setback but not physically dangerous. It’s safe.”

Alec quirks a brow. “Your idea of safe and the average idea of safe don’t always align though.”

Magnus lays a hand on Alec’s shoulder and squeezes a little. “I promise I don’t plan to blow myself up in my own apartment.” He animates brightly. “I haven’t done thatsince the 1920s and only because I was drunk.”

“Reassuring.”  

“I’m sober as the grave. Now stop fretting and hand me the chow mien.”

Five minutes and three entire take-out boxes later, Alec glances at the man wolfing food next to him. He has bedhead, raccoon eyes, and there’s ash in his hair. His skin gives off a faint metallic ether somewhat specific to magic-use and usually masked by an expensive cologne. His hoodie is rumpled, like he’s been sleeping in it. It’s… interesting. Alec tries to study his partner in a state of zero presentation because, really, Magnus has presentation down to second nature. This side of him is rare enough it needs cataloguing.

“What?” Magnus says. He’s giving Alec a side-eye.

Alec clears his throat, looking back to the food. “Hmm? Nothing.”

“You’re staring.”

“I can’t stare at my boyfriend?”

Magnus tilts his head. “Your flattery goes a long way. Continue.”

Alec shrugs. “I dunno. I don’t… get to see you doing this very often. That’s all.” He takes a bite of dumpling. “It’s kind of hot.”

Magnus arches a brow. “You’re a man of puzzling preference, but I’ll keep that in mind.”

 “Look, Magnus. Do you need any help doing some of this stuff?”

 “I appreciate it, but I’m okay.”  Magnus says this around a mouthful, reaching for a water bottle.

“Well, I’m off the clock for a bit. So if there’s something you want company doing, I’d love to help.”

“Oh, it’s a lot of boring errands.”

“I don’t mind.”

“It’s basically warlock grocery shopping and homework.”

“That’s fine.”

Magnus eyes him. “I can’t tell if I should be suspicious or delighted you’ll tolerate grocery shopping to be with me.”

Alec maintains his conversational pointedness. “I am just taking an active interest in my boyfriend’s professional life. Which is, like you said, totally safe and boring grocery shopping so there’s no reasonI wouldn’t be okay coming along.”

There’s a silence.

Magnus grabs the fortune cookies. “I’m taking these,” he says with more performance than necessary, then stands up and walks into the kitchen.

Alec tosses his hands up. “Whatever it is you’re doing, I want to help. You are constantly volunteering to help me and the Institute. Let me help you with your work for once.”

“Hmm,” Magnus says, banging around in the kitchen.

“You think I can’t handle it?”

Magnus pokes his head back in the living room. “No, I just think it would be somewhat unpleasant when I’m quite capable of doing things on my own. I’ve had, literally, centuries of practice.” He ducks back in the kitchen. “I’m perfectly safe.”

“I know, Magnus. You throw fireballs.”

“Damn skippy I do,” Magnus says flipping on the garbage disposal for some reason.

Alec frowns and stands up, following Magnus’ path to the kitchen.

“What,” says Alec, “the hell is that?”

There is a… well, it looks like a grubby white radish in Magnus’ fist except it’s shaped somewhat grotesquely like a doll. The moment Alec lays eyes on it, a dark knot in what would ostensibly be its face begins to hiss and then, horrifyingly, to scream. Magnus seems largely unaffected by the wailing and stands contemplating the sink and the screaming vegetable one after the other. Alec tries to say something, but the screaming emitted from the vegetable is vibrating in his bones, sending crawls of gooseflesh down his spine.

“A mandrake root,” Magnus says airily. “A big one too. It’s mad that it’s not under my sink anymore and I don’t think it’s going to fit down the disposal.”

He points to the cabinet to Alec’s left.

“Can you get the blender out?”

Slowly, his teeth pulsing weirdly in the bones of jaw, Alec get the blender out and sets it up on the kitchen island by the stove range. Magnus plugs it in and pops the top off, then starts cramming the thrashing root into the top with both hands.

“So…” Alec says slowly. “You need this for…?”

“A binding element for one of my potions.”

“Should I be worried about that scream?”

“No. I’ve extracted the deadliest part of its wail already. At most your ears might pop a little. Just plug your nose like you’re on an airplane.”

“Wow. Okay. This seems…”

“Like weird warlock shit?” Magnus says helpfully.

“I mean, yeah,” Alec says, expression like a man watching a trainwreck but unable to look away from it. “Uh, I guess I knew you’d have to get ingredients for your work but I… thought you had people who did that for you?”

“I do,” Magnus says, perfectly reasonable, not at all like he’s shoving a howling mandrake root in a blender. “But some things you just do yourself. Like dragon charming. You should really just do that personally, not fair to ask an errand boy to risk it. Not cheapeither.”

“Like whatcharming?”

“Aha!” Magnus gets the lid on the blender and hits ‘puree’. He has to raise his voice to be heard over the compound blender whine and the screaming. “They aren’t REAL dragons, you walnut.”

“Right,” Alec says, looking unnerved.

The screaming is done and there’s a gross mulch in the blender. It’s still kind of… moaning? No, kind of growling? Magnus pops the container from the stand and gets a Tupperware. Alec watches him pour the lot into the Tupperware. The Tupperware has a binding sigil on the lid and Magnus snaps his fingers and the sigil flares briefly, then settles. The Tupperware sparkles a little.

“Not everything is ancient tomes and goblets,” Magnus says when he catches the face Alec is making.

“I know that,” he says.

“Do you?”

“Yes. Of course. The Institute is the definition of magi-tech. I get it.”

“Okay,” Magnus says, still clearly amused. He stows the mushed mandrake in the fridge. “If you really want to accompany me, I have a few more ingredients that I need before I give this spell a test run. It’s somewhat unpleasant work and you, honestly, do not have to come.”

“I want to come,” Alec says with emphasis.

Magnus sighs. “Masochist. Very well.”

He snaps his fingers and a jacket drops out of the air into Alec’s arms. Magnus is suddenly wearing what appears to be a brown wool overcoat but Alec can see about a dozen anti-evil wards sewn into the lining and hem. The jacket in his arms hums similarly with protection. Magnus flips the hood over his head and zips the front all the way up. The collar is so high it stops just beneath his eyes.

“Uh,” Alec says.

“I told you it would be unpleasant,” Magnus says, muffled.

Alec puts on the jacket. It’s just a touch too small for him, suggesting it’s one of Magnus’ but as he flexes, he feel the fabric shift, the threads un-sewing then re-sewing themselves to let out the shoulders and waist. By the time he zips it up, it fits perfectly. The hem appears to have lengthened about half a foot. Magnus crosses the room and brushes the shoulders and lapels of the jacket with his fingers, lining it with an infusion of extra magic that makes Alec’s nose itch.

Magnus studies his face for a moment. For what, Alec isn’t sure, but he suspects a look of doubt so he just glares at the warlock for effect. Magnus smiles. Then he turns at the waist and twists his palm out toward the living room. Blue light sparks at his fingers and the air before the foyer siphons open, dimensions splitting along a magical fault line and tunneling through reality and crackling with quantum energy. An otherworldly wind kicks up, whipping their clothes and air.

Magnus offers him his elbow in gallant kind of way.

“Oh boy,” Alec says, sighing. “You’re going to make me regret pushing this, aren’t you?

“Nooooo,” Magnus soothes in a way that is downright threatening.

Alec glares and takes Magnus’ arm. He immediately presses his hand over Alec’s, pulling his elbow in tight against the side of his body.

“Don’t let go of me.”

“What happens if I do?”

“Well, nothing fatal of course, but you’d have a bad time.”

“Are you being dramatic or serious?”

Magnus pouts. Alec can’t see his whole face, but he knows the warlock is pouting. “Can’t I be both?”

“Let’s go, tough guy.”

Magnus beams and together they step through the portal.

When they reach the other side, the air hits Alec like a physical blow. It knocks him back a step before his grip on Magnus pulls him up short and he catches his balance against the warlock, grabbing his shoulder. The wind is roaring around them, so strong it beats the long grasses flat around them, waves of red grass rippling in crimson and silver beneath a hazy moon. The air stinks like iron. He can feel the wards in his jacket flaring as they deflect… something in the wind. Snapping randomly a bug zapper assailed by gnats.

“Are you alright?” Magnus’ voice is only just loud enough to be heard over the roar.

“Yeah!” Alec squints into the horizon, a ragged blur of dark shapes about 400 meters out from the centre of the field they stand in. “What is this place?”

“The Wailing Forest,” Magus shouts back. “It’s on the edge of Seelie territory! Stay close!”

Alec slips his palm down Magnus’ arm, grips his hand tight, feels a surge of heat that suggests Magnus is using some kind of charm to hold them bound. Then they hiked forward into the howling head wind. The gale is so powerful, Magnus is leaning all the way into it, like he’s pushing against a wall. Alec suspects without their jackets, whatever malevolence rides on the air would be biting at them. A literal biting wind.

“Almost there!” Magnus says. He has one arm up, shielding his eyes.

Alec squeezes his hand. “I’m good!”

Magnus nods and they stomp determined forward until, at last, they reach the edge of the gnarled treeline… and the wind immediately dies. Magnus stumbles slightly, over balancing in the sudden lack of resistance and this time it’s Alec that grabs his partner’s arm, pulling him upright. Magnus makes a gratified ‘oof’ sound and tugs his hood down. He beams at Alec.

“Thank you.”

“No problem.” Alec slowly tugs his own hood down. “So where did the wind go?”

“Oh, it only manifests outside the forest, to keep out living things.” Magnus gestures a little to the canopy around them. Ash white branches arch delicately, creaking softly in a gentle wind. “The Wailing Forest is otherwise quite peaceful. A sanctuary for fey things. I think it’s quite beautiful, actually.”

Alec points. “That fucking tree is bleeding.”

Magnus looks over his shoulder and, indeed there is a tree, many trees in fact, that are oozing fleshy red fluid from the knots in their trucks, hemorrhaging red at the roots. The bark is split like wounds, glistening with fresh gore and where they bleed, thousands of silvery butterflies gather. Feeding and fluttering lazily at their strange veins.

Magnus turns back to Alec, nose wrinkled somewhat.

“It’s… still very peaceful,” he hazards. He lifts his shoulders. “Peacefully bleeding?”

Alec gives him another look.

“Fine. I admit, it’s a little unnerving.”

“Well,” Alec says, looking around. “The butterflies are pretty.”

“Hmm,” Magnus says.

Alec deadpans. “They’re super dangerous aren’t they?”

“Oh, well…” Magnus waves a hand. “Only if you have an open wound.”

Alec gives his warlock companion a more pronounced look.

“I’ll just…” Magnus gestures. “I’ll just get this bark and we’ll be on our way.”

They portal back to the apartment where Magnus puts the bleeding bark in a Ziplock bag which he also fills with red wine, various herbs, and then scribbles spells in Sharpie. Alec isn’t sure how he feels about watching his boyfriend write spells in Sharpie. He knows technically, it’s not the medium but the caster that makes all the difference but that fact Magnus can make magic work via Sharpie on Ziolock bags is… well, it’s something.

“Don’t tell people I do brewing this way,” Magnus mutters. “I’m older than most warlocks and they still want to use cauldrons and scales for everything.” Magnus makes a face. “We have electric kitchen scales now. They’re lovely. I’m all for a nice set of traditional balance scales, but c’mon.”

“You’re worried,” says Alec slowly, “that the other warlocks will be snobs about Ziplock bags?”

“Being a snob about things is fifty percent of being a warlock. So yes.”

“You’renot a snob.”

Magnus shoots him a look. “That’s a filthy lie and you know it.”

“Fine. What’s next on the list.”

“A tricky one. Siren hair.”

“Siren, like mermaid siren?”

“That’s the kind. Yes. I have a relationship with a few siren clans in the pacific rim so I can probably ask them, but the majority will be migrating into deep sea this time of year. I need a group that will still be in shallows and amenable to a drop-in.” Magnus is scrolling through his phone as he says this. “Local weather looks… ooh. Okay. That’s promising.”

“What?”

“Storm front near some favored hunting grounds near Somolia.”

“Is this dangerous?”

“Not for a Shadowhunter or myself. Only mundanes can be pulled in by a siren’s call.”

“Not sure how I feel about interacting with sirens. They hunt people.”

“Yes, they do, but to be fair: there aren’t many sirens in the world and this particular batch hunts commercial fishing vessels that are stealing from locals.”

“Still.”

Magnus shrugs. “You wouldn’t feel as bad if you knew the suffering these people cause. Sirens feed on ill intent. They get nothing out of killing the kind-hearted. That said, they’re more likely to try and seduce the kind-hearted into being one of their own, so mind that. You’ll be like candy to them, I imagine.”

Alec arches a brow.

Magnus is too busy pulling on rainboots to notice. The rainboots came from nowhere and he notices a second pair has materialized on the floor next to his feet.

“I might drop us in a tide pool,” Magnus explains.

“Okay.” Alec pulls on the boots. “Let’s go meet some sirens then.”

Magnus waves a hand and another portal roars open. They walk through together.

They do, indeed, come out in a tide pool of sorts. Alec’s boots hit ground on an uneven batch of wet rock studded with barnacles and bird shit. He can hear the scream of gulls all around and a wave crashes against the face the shallow cliff behind them, throwing sea water up his back. He peers around. They seem to be on a kind of jagged island in the middle of the sea. He can’t see any land. Just the curve of the earth against the blue sky.

The rocks descend down into a flatter bowl of tide-pool and half-submerged stone and there, among the jagged edges of the rocks, lounging in the waters and sunning themselves on the smoother stone, are most definitely sirens.

Slender and silvery, more snake than fish, their long black and steel-colored tails coil endlessly, slithering and bristling with spiny fins. Their ostensibly human parts are only just so – serpent frame giving way to an androgynous waist, torso, and arms. Their ribs are gashed by massive gills. Hands webbed and clawed. Their hair, long and black, is too thick at the strand to be anything like actual hair. It’s oily and writhes a little when they comb razor sharp fingers through the mass of it.

Magnus picks his way down the rocks toward a trio of them near the shallows.

When they notice his approach, the strange creatures immediately animate. Not in… a human way exactly. The begin to hiss and scream. Their hair ripples and bristles like the hackles of an animal off their heads and now that they’re facing forward, Alec can see their massive black eyes take up inhuman portions of their skulls, that their pretty human lips spilt back at the corners into eel-like hinges, full of needle teeth. They reach eagerly for the warlock.

“Magnus…” Alec says slowly, a touch of fear in his tone.

“Hullo, dears,” says Magnus, ignoring him.

The three sirens scream in what must be delight. Magnus kneels down and receives three… relatively normal human hugs, except that the sirens’ hair coils in in prehensile masses around the man’s shoulders and head, like a thousand feelers sliding along his clothes. Magnus, for his part, seems comfortable with it all and kneels there with the three strange creatures who sit back to look him up and down while he talks.

“I know. It’s been forever. I’m sorry. How’s your work?”

More horrible screaming.

“Really? That was you three? Impressive.”

One of them preens a little. That, Alec recognizes. They continue to hiss and hack at Magnus, who seems to have no problem understanding them and for a time they discuss the weather, the state of the oceans, something about the Titanic, and then one of the sirens looks at Alec. She (it?) elbows the warlock in a decidedly human way and he looks at what she’s looking at – Alec perched somewhat awkwardly on a rock, watching them.

“Oh, yes. This is Alec. He’s with me.”

All three of them hiss and paw excitedly at Magnus’ jacket.

“Yes. He’s is. Don’t start.”

Delighted hissing.

“No. I’ll be very cross if you try any of that.” Magnus digs in his pocket and produces three metal compacts. He holds them up, pops one open to reveal a mirror inside. “I seem to recall that you were running low on these?”

The sirens clap their spiny hands in glee and accept the bribery. Alec’s skull is starting to ache from listening to them scream. One of the sirens leans in and drops a kiss on Magnus’ cheek then goes back to playing with the compact, admiring herself in the reflection. Alec notices that the image in the mirror… looks absolutely nothing like the creature holding it. There is a man peering into the mirror, golden-skinned, dark-eyed, and beautiful. Hypnotically beautiful in fact and familiar…

Alec blinks.

The siren is looking at him now.

She smiles, baring a thousand needle teeth.

“So that’s what you like,”she says.

She’s still definitely screaming. Alec can hear the hissing, creaking, horror of her voice, but overlaid in that is a man’s voice as well. Warm and teasing, weirdly familiar. He realizes, a little slowly, that the human voice she’s speaking with sounds somewhat like Magnus sounds when they’re in bed in the morning and he’s not – the siren is suddenly in his face, coiled around the rock he was crouching on like a boa constrictor, and her hands cup his face.

“You could come with me,”she says. “You could both come with ussss.”

“Stop that,” Magnus is saying somewhere.

Alec is vaguely aware the Magnus is trying to extract himself from the other two sirens who are clinging playfully (he thinks?) to the warlock’s arm. They’re nuzzling his face and neck. They’re baring needle teeth. Alec feels a dull wriggle of worry, which is odd, because he feels like he should be way more worried about this. About how Magnus is trying to pull them off but they just kind of keep hissing and holding on.

The worry is enough to break through his distraction. He leans back from the siren, presses a hand against her shoulder to get space… which is when he realizes the creature gripping him is hellishly strong. Much stronger than him. She’s steel. Her fingers around his neck are sinew and bone and she’s smiling, lips splitting at the corners and he imagines that sea serpent body coiling and crushing a small boat. Easily. He imagines, suddenly, that these three are much younger and smaller and how their sisters must be…

“Thank you,” Alec says, “that sounds nice. But I have to get back to work.”

The siren pouts.

“Okaaaaay,”she hisses and slides boredly away from him.

The other two let Magnus go and slide into the water and just like that, they’re alone again. Magnus stands up. In his hand is a fistful of worm-like black fibers, still wiggling like separate living organisms and Alec wrinkles his nose.

“Siren hair?” he says.

“Yes. Sorry about that. I didn’t think they’d get a hint of glamore over you.”

“Well, they didn’t exactly…” Alec says, standing up straight.

“No. They were just teasing, but still.”

“So when a mundane looks at a siren… they see a person they want?”

“Not a person necessarily. Just anything they want.”

“Huh,” says Alec.

Magnus smirks. “What did you see?”

“Not sure,” he says. He thinks about it. “For a minute, I think I saw you…”

Magnus blinks. Then laughs. “Good answer.”

Alec isn’t sure if he should insist – no, really, the person I saw in the glamore was definitely some version of you– or if that would be embarrassing. So, he just smiles while Magnus pulls open another portal and, again, offers Alec his hand. They walk back through together.

Magnus finishes bagging and tagging ingredients and takes a shower to get siren slime out of his hair. By the time he gets back, he seems to have given up on being productive and climbs over the back of the couch to lie down next to and somewhat on top of Alec. His hair’s still damp from the shower, dark and unstyled. He smells like soap and the clean cotton in his T-shirt and Alec tries to ignore the dumb surge of happiness that rolls through him when the warlock settles his weight against his chest like there is no question that’s where he should be.

“Thanks for running errands with me,” he says.

Alec smiles. “Thanks for letting me.”

There’s a comfortable a silence for a while.

Magnus is picking at his shirt a little. “You know,” he says, “I still worry from time to time you’ll finally really realize you’re dating a warlock.”

Alec snorts. “Magnus, I think if I hadn’t figured that out –”

He waves a hand and Alec quiets.

“Hear me out.”

Alec moves his arm, so it’s looped more easily around his boyfriend’s waist. Magnus makes no move to sit up, so he intends to have this conversation while lying down. Specifically, not looking Alec in the face. So, he’s anxious about the conversation. Alec keeps his tone even.

“I’m listening.”

“Right now, things are… normal. In a sense. You’re young and pursuing your career and doing your duties for the Clave. Things work. We make them work. Like any other couple with bizarre, dangerous jobs like Shadowhunting and being a warlock.” He pauses. “I just think about… later.”

“Is this the immortal talk?” Alec says.

“Excuseme?”

“The talk where you point out I’m going to get old and you’re not,” Alec says. “That I’m mortal and you’re not? That I can spend my whole life with you, but it’s going to be a blink of an eye for you? That I might resent you for that when I get older for some reason?”

Magnus sits up, so he can look Alec in the eyes. “Don’t make light of it, Alexander.”

“I’m not. I’m just saying, I’ve thought about this.”

“Thinking about it and living it are two very different things,” Magnus says quietly. “Not to be cruel, but it’s easy to say that when you’re young and beautiful and you don’t feel time, but I feel time. Not like a mortal feels it, but I’m old. I know what it does to people, not just physically but emotionally and I just…” Magnus looks away, like there’s something in the room that might give him a way to say what he’s trying to say. “I just dread the day, you feel time like I know you will. Feel how it’s not equal between us.”

Alec moves a hand, slowly, tucking it up behind Magnus’ head, his thumb set behind the curve of his ear. Gently, he guides Magnus’ gaze back to his.

“I’m not gonna say that I won’t feel some kind of way about that,” Alec says softly, soberly. “Like you said, I’m young and stupid.”

“That’s not what I –”

Alec waves his other hand and Magnus quiets this time.

“We’re going to have to deal with it one day. Yes. For sure. It’s going to happen and when it does, it’ll be tough and we’ll have to have awful adult conversations about what makes us uncomfortable and how we deal with it. Personally, I feel like it’s going to be much worse for you having to deal with…” He grimaces. “You know, when I get old. When I stop looking like I should be withyou and more like I should be your dad or something.”

“Alexander –”

“Ah, let me say this.”

Magnus settles, his gaze patient but anxious.

“I’m just saying… right now I’ve thought about it. A lot. I over think everything. You know that. And I’ve definitely over thought the logistics of dating an immortal, being with an immortal, you know, forever. If that’s where things went.” He clears his throat. “And I’m just saying I think I’m good with all that as long as you’re good with all of it. As long as you are okay with the fact I… I’m just not going to be around as long as you.”

Magnus’ hands tighten in his shirt a little. His face is hard to read and that is like a hand closing in his stomach and twisting.

Alec runs a thumb nervously along Magnus’ jaw. “Are you okay with that?”

“Of course I’m not ‘okay’ with it,” Magnus whispers. “Every time I think about it I…” He stops. Shakes his head. “But I would never let my fear of eventually losing you be the reason I lose you now.” He swallows visibly. “And you should know… if we get years or decades down the road and it does turn out to be too much for you… if being with an immortal is too –”

Alec immediately brings both hands up, gathers Magnus’ head in his hands, and pulls his mouth down against his. The warlock jerks briefly in surprise before relaxing into it, relaxing against him, body to body and for a moment everything they were talking about slides into the background noise of thought. Alec is a little proud of the fact that he manages to derail a centuries (millennia?) old being with the correct application of hair pulling and tongue, but it’s a temporary respite.

Eventually, he pulls back, settling in with Magnus’ forehead pressed to his. So, he can speak as directly as possible.

“I’d never do that to you,” Alec whispers. “I’d never let it get that far and leave you.”

“It’s okay if you did –” Magnus starts to say.

“Stop that.”

“I have so much time.” Magnus is breathless, an underlain anxiety in his words. “You only have so much time, Alexander. If you change your –”

Alec leans up and kisses his forehead.

“No. No, I’m not going to do that. I’ll stop before it gets that far. I swear.” He kisses Magnus again, on the nose, on the mouth, down his throat, pulling his head down so he can say it in his ear, “I won’t do that to you. I promise. I love you and I’d never do that to you.”

Magnus shivers and it seems to go through Alec too.

“Okay,” he says.

Alec pulls closer. “Okay,” he says.

Things are quiet after that.