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gotham--fc · 2 months

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Will You Stay Here For A While Dear? - A Hilary Knight Imagine

I'm back with the next part of my Hilary series! what part are we at now i forgor You can find the rest of the parts linked on my masterlist, as always I can't tell you what to do but you really should read at least part 1 and 2 before you read this, but you do you

This ended up way longer than I anticipated, so it only goes up to the end of preseason, which means there will be at least 2 more fics of "main story" to be written and whatever else my brain comes up with

It's about 11.5k words, so read at your own pace lol, and I hope you like it as much as you liked part 1 and 2!

Title comes from the song “Billy Liar” by The Decemberists (and was also chosen by @grapefruit-personified)

It’s no surprise Hilary gets signed by Boston.

She’s been pretty open with where she wants to go. Yeah, she’s taken calls with all the teams, but Y/N knows she’s not entertaining any offers that aren’t from Boston. It’s no surprise they offer her a contract, and it’s no surprise that she signs it. Y/N’s happy for her, she really is. Hilary is excited and Y/N is excited for her. Hilary’s been fighting her entire career for this moment and after years of being given less, she finally gets what she deserves. In Boston, no less. Y/N’s thrilled for Hilary.

Y/N gets calls too. She gets plenty of calls. She talks to all the teams, talks through expectations and goals and all that jazz. She doesn’t get any offers.

And it’s fine. Teams can only sign three free agents so it’s limited and that’s fine. She’s still recovering from her concussion, so it’s not surprising. It’s fine. Y/N knows she’ll get drafted, that’s not even a question. It’s just where she gets drafted.

It’s a rough few weeks with no security. At least Hilary knows where she’s going and she’s already figuring out her move to Boston, but Y/N can't do that. She doesn’t even know if she’s moving or if she’ll get drafted by Minnesota. She half hopes not, given it’s a 22 hour drive from Boston to Minnesota, but that’s not something she can dwell on. She feels sort of like she’s floating through space while she watches Hilary pack. She has no purpose or sense of direction, can only watch Hilary pack up half of the life they’ve built here together.

“Babe?” Hilary’s voice snaps Y/N out of her thoughts.

“What? Yeah? What?”

“You okay?” Hilary asks, “You were pretty spaced out.”

“Yeah, it’s nothing,” Y/N shakes her head, then starts again. “It’s just… I’m just thinking about the draft.”

It’s something she’s been working on, they’ve both been working on, sharing what they’re feeling instead of burying it down. Y/N’s first instinct is still to say everything’s fine, and she’s fighting against it, but it’s hard. She’s trying. They’re both trying. They’re doing better.

“What about it?” Hilary asks.

“You’re going to Boston.”

“I am,” Hilary waits expectantly for Y/N to continue.

“And I don’t know where I’m going. And it’s hard to pack or prepare when I don’t know what I’m preparing for. And… I don’t know if I’m going to get drafted by Minnesota and stay here while you go miles away to Boston.”

“We’ll figure that out, no matter what happens, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Hilary takes Y/N’s hands, “Wherever we both end up, whether it’s Minnesota or Boston or New York, we’ll figure it out. We’ve been through worse, we can handle a little distance if it comes to that.”

“Yeah,” Y/N mumbles, “It could be a lot of distance.”

“I’ll never be that far from you,” Hilary says, “Even if we’re far apart, I’ll always be here. I’m a phone call away.” Hilary tilts Y/N’s chin up so they’re looking at each other. “I know I hurt you when I went radio silent on you and I know it’s probably still in the back of your mind, but I guarantee you that I will never do that to you again. You don’t have to worry about me not being on the other side of the phone, waiting for you.”

“Promise?”

“Cross my heart.”

***

Draft day comes too soon and not soon enough. Y/N obsessed about it way too much but now that it’s here, she wishes she still had more time. Hilary isn’t here, she’s already in Boston setting up her new place. She said she’ll travel back and forth between Boston and Minnesota until training camp starts and she’s required in Boston full time, but that means Y/N’s alone right now and she thinks she might throw up.

She’s not technically alone. It’s the draft, so every player is here, including some of the already signed players. There’s players and agents and families and people from the league mulling around, Y/N’s own agent is a few feet away, chatting up a league exec about something. Even still, Y/N’s never felt so alone.

Then the draft begins. Y/N sits on the edge of her seat. She’s talked to the teams already so she has some idea of who wants her, but with every name called that’s not her, a pit in her stomach grows. She watches Boston go, and not pick her, New York, Montreal, and still her name isn’t called. She dreads Minnesota drafting her, but then they go and they don’t call her and she almost wishes they had. Finally, her name gets called. She gets up on shaky legs and walks to the stage. She shakes hands and hopes her hands aren’t sweaty, smiles for pictures and gets a mic shoved in her face as soon as she steps off stage.

“Did you know Toronto would draft you?”

“Um,” Y/N says, “I had an idea. I spoke to all the teams so I had an idea of who would pick me, so yeah, I guess I had an idea.” She didn’t.

“Are you excited to represent Toronto this season? What does it mean to you to play professional hockey in Canada?”

“Oh, it’s,” Y/N tries to think of what to say, “It’s indescribable. We’ve worked for so long and so hard to get a real professional league and I’m so excited to get started and Toronto is a great city, a great sports city with a lot of heart and a lot of history and a lot of hockey fans and I’m excited to be close to home.”

“Congratulations, good luck this season.”

Her agent takes her arm and drags her out of the spotlight and to a quieter corner. He begins talking contracts and all sorts of administrative work and Y/N just nods, everything going in one ear and out the other. Then, she has players, friends, teammates now, hugging her and talking about playing together and Y/N thinks she agrees to be at least five people’s roommate as she struggles to keep up with everyone talking and the lights and the noise. Y/N barely notices someone is leading her away until she’s in an empty hallway.

“You looked a thousand miles away out there,” Sarah Nurse says.

“I feel like I am,” Y/N says.

“You didn’t want to go to Toronto?” She asks.

“No, I…” Y/N rubs her eyes. She feels like she can’t see very well. “It’s not that. I’m not not happy with Toronto. I… I wish Hilary wasn’t so far away, but I’m not… I can’t fucking see.”

“You can’t see?!” Sarah freezes, “What do you mean you can’t see?”

“I’m… I just mean… I’m being dramatic,” Y/N says, “I just… everything’s blurry. It doesn’t look right. My head hurts. My ears are ringing.”

“Is it your concussion?” Sarah asks. Y/N shrugs. “You don’t have to go back out there. You can leave if you’re feeling bad.”

“Yeah,” Y/N says, “I’ve been so out of it lately. Hilary’s gone half the time and I was dreading getting drafted by Minnesota and she keeps telling me Boston’s not out of it, like they’ll draft me just because she wants me there. I have hopes on New York but I don’t know.”

“Toronto’s not the end of the world,” Sarah says, “And you and Hilary will be fine.”

“Yeah,” Y/N says, “Toronto. Yeah. Nursey I can’t go back out there. I feel like I want to lay in a dark room and try not to cry.”

“I’ll cover for you,” Sarah says, “Don’t worry about it.”

Sarah heads back out to rejoin the commotion and Y/N rubs her temples and pulls out her phone to call an Uber back to her hotel. When her phone turns back on, (she turned it off this morning when she awoke to what felt like a million messages from family and friends about the draft and what team she might end up on), she has a text from Hilary. Right. Because Hilary’s in Boston. Not here.

Saw the draft

Congrats babe call me when you get a chance?

Y/N calls her Uber first, then dials Hilary’s number.

“Hey babe,” Hilary says, “How was it? I thought I wouldn’t hear from you until later. I figured you would be celly-ing with your new teammates.”

Y/N doesn’t know why, can’t explain it, but she starts to cry.

“Shit, babe, what’s wrong? What happened?”

“I don’t know,” Y/N cries, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just feel awful.”

“I’m sorry, what can I do? Are you at your hotel?”

“No, waiting for an Uber.”

“What hotel are you at?” Hilary asks.

“What does it matter?” Y/N says, “You’re not here.”

“I’m sorry I’m not there,” Hilary says, “I wish I was with you right now. I was going to order you food to your hotel, but I understand if you don’t feel like eating anything right now.”

“You could’ve been here.”

“Baby…”

“You wouldn’t be the only one! There’s more than just those who registered for the draft. You could’ve come, even just for the night,” Y/N says.

“You know why I didn’t come,” Hilary says, “We agreed I should stay in Boston. I’m still setting up my place and I’ve got interviews and press stuff and,” Hilary sighs, “You said you felt uncomfortable with people knowing about us and that me being at the draft would be more of a confirmation that you’re ready for. You don’t get to be upset with me about a decision we both made together.”

“I want you here,” Y/N says, still crying, “We’re gonna be apart for a whole season and I just wanna be with you while I still can.”

“I know it’s hard and you just found out we’re going to be separated, and I’m sorry you’re so upset. We’re going to be okay. The season will fly by and we’ll see each other in February for the Rivalry Series and then Worlds in April. And we’ll see each other when we play against each other and we’ll find times during the season to see each other. I know this is new to you but I’ve done distance before and we can deal with it.”

Y/N wants to say I knew we wouldn’t end up on the same team from the start and how will we see each other? With what money? What time? And I just started skating again who says I’ll make the Worlds roster and who says I’ll even be at the Rivalry Series and of course you have experience and I don’t I don’t need you rubbing it in.

She says none of this.

“Yeah,” She says, her voice weak and quiet.

“I’m sorry it’s so hard. I wish I could make it easier.”

“My Uber’s here,” Y/N says as her phone vibrates with the notification.

“Alright,” Hilary says, “Do you want to keep talking on your way back?”

“No,” Y/N says, “I’m tired. My head hurts. I wanna go lie down and go to sleep.”

“Okay my love, call me in the morning.”

***

It’s hard, being in Boston.

That’s not true. Hilary loves Boston and she loves being in Boston and she loves playing hockey and she loves playing hockey in Boston. It’s not hard being in Boston. It’s exciting, rewarding, everything she’s dreamed of and more.

It’s hard being in Boston when Y/N’s in Toronto and the draft is happening and Y/N got drafted to Toronto and Hilary can’t be there to celebrate with her and now Y/N is upset and Hilary isn’t there to comfort her. Hilary understands why she’s in Boston and she understands why Y/N wants her in Boston, but she also understands why Y/N wants her in Toronto too.

It’s a complicated situation. Y/N isn’t ready to be out yet. That’s fine. Hilary gets that. After all, Hilary has been there. She’s been young and new to the public and just wanting to focus on hockey and not turn every interview into “so you came out”. Hilary has to remember she’s had years in the spotlight to get used to all of this, the public, and the fans, and the questions. Hilary came out, Hilary’s out, and yeah, it’s all anyone could talk about for months after, but now it’s over. Now it’s normal. Hilary’s out, and she’s still a pro hockey player and she’s still American and she’s still prepping for Worlds and the new league and there’s more to talk about than her sexuality.

It's fine. Hilary gets it and she’s not going to pressure Y/N into something she isn’t ready for. It’s frustrating sometimes, sure, like now when Hilary has to stay in Boston because Y/N’s scared if she’s at the draft that people will figure out Hilary’s there for her, and now they’re both unhappy. Hilary will never say it, but she thinks Y/N is too focused on other people, and too paranoid about people finding out about them. People talk, and people will talk, and people are already talking, and that won’t change whether Hilary’s in Boston or Toronto, or if she posts that she’s in the same place as Y/N, or that they’re hanging out.

But Y/N freaked out last time Hilary said anything. When Hilary came out, when she announced she wasn’t single, it was too much for Y/N, so Hilary can’t push it. She’s screwed up enough times already that she won’t risk losing Y/N for good. And yes, Hilary’s made a lot of progress towards forgiving herself and she knows she can’t dwell on the past, and she doesn’t, but she came close to losing Y/N and she will not let that happen again.

***

“Why the long face?” Kess says when Hilary’s face pops up on FaceTime.

“This is my normal face,” Hilary deadpans.

“Yikes.”

“Aren’t you busy being a bigwig for the Penguins?” Hilary says, “Why are you calling me?”

“I’m still your friend Knight,” Kess says, “Even when you’re a bitch. And for your information, I’m the biggest bigwig you know, so don’t piss me off.”

“Sorry Kess,” Hilary says, “I’ve been in a shit mood lately.”

“I couldn’t tell.”

“I will hang up.”

“Tell me what’s wrong,” Kess says, “I heard you and your girlfriend are on different teams.”

“It’s not like we can’t do distance,” Hilary starts, “We can. It’s just… She wouldn’t let me go to the draft. She said it would too obvious I was there for her and she isn’t ready to be out yet. And she called me crying after she got drafted and it’s not like I can do anything from here. And she’s not flying back to Minnesota until tomorrow and my flight isn’t for three days.”

“Change your flight,” Kess says, like it’s the easiest thing in the world.

“I can’t,” Hilary sighs, “She doesn’t want it to be too obvious that I’m going back and forth to see her. So I can’t fly back the same day as her because then people might figure it out.”

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Kess!” Hilary shakes her head, “It’s not stupid. It makes her more comfortable, it just sucks knowing she’s upset and I can’t be there.”

“Hil, why does it feel like you came out just to jump back in the closet again?”

“I didn’t!” Hilary insists, “I’m still out, it’s not like I stopped being gay. Y/N’s not out and I respect that. I was in the closet for years, Kess, I was semi-famous and in the closet for years. And things are different now. Before I came out no one cared about us. The only people who gave a shit about women’s hockey were us and a handful of people during the Olympics. I didn’t have thousands of people on the internet talking about me. I was still terrified to come out and no one even knew who I was. Can you try to see what it’s like for her? She’s young, new in her career, dating an older woman, in a sport that’s growing exponentially by the minute.”

“I do see it, and I empathize, I really do,” Kess says, “And I’m not saying anything she’s saying isn’t valid, just that you have feelings too. And clearly you feel some type of way about all this secrecy and you are allowed to have feelings about it. She’s not the only one in this relationship.”

“I fucked up Kess,” Hilary flops down on her couch. Her new house in Boston is pretty sparse. She has half unpacked boxes everywhere, a TV that sits directly on the floor, a recently purchased couch and an Ikea bedframe that’s still not built so she’s been sleeping on a mattress directly on the floor. The couch was a godsend, arriving that morning, so at least she can sit somewhere, since her kitchen table and chairs have been delayed twice.

“I hurt her so bad,” Hilary says, “And I almost lost her for good. I love her so much Kess. I’ve never felt like this with anyone and I am so terrified that I’m gonna screw up and lose her again. I don’t think I’d ever get over her, I think I’ll love her for the rest of my life and then some.”

“Wow,” Kess chuckles, “I never thought I’d see the day. Playboy Hilary is gone, her fuckboy days are over.”

“They’ve been over,” Hilary says, “I’m not 21 anymore, I can’t spend every night getting shitfaced at a club and taking home strangers and still wake up at 6am for practice.”

“I’ve never seen you like this, with anyone. I thought she wasn’t right for you because you suddenly started acting different after you met her, but I see now that it was everyone else who wasn’t right. I’m sorry I didn’t see it before, and I’m sorry I fucked up too and gave her a concussion. That…” Kess blows air out her clenched teeth, “…was not my finest moment. But, moving past that, I’m really happy for you. However, if you keep pushing your feelings down it’s not going to end well. Look what happened last time.”

“Yeah,” Hilary rubs her face, “Yeah. You’re right Kess.”

“I always am Knighter. Now get off your ass and finish unpacking your sad, empty house before I have to sic Keller and Brandt on you.”

***

“Are you okay stud?” Y/N tugs at the hood of Hilary’s hoodie as she looks out into the backyard at the dogs chasing each other. Hilary jumps a little and despite the surprise, her cheeks are slightly pink like they always are when Y/N calls her that.

The name started as a joke, after they watched Grease together for the first time. The next day, as Hilary tried to get “chang-chang, changity-chang-shoo-bop” out of her head, Y/N told her to “tell me about it, stud,” and Hilary turned the brightest red she ever has and didn’t respond for a full minute. The name stuck, and Y/N brings it out when Hilary’s least expecting it to watch her turn red and flustered.

“You’re quiet this morning,” Y/N continues.

“Sorry,” Hilary says, “I was just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Us,” Hilary grabs Y/N by the hips and pulls her in. Y/N puts her palms on the sides of Hilary’s neck. “I was thinking about us, our life, how much I love you.”

“Yeah? Tell me more.”

“I was thinking…” Hilary backs Y/N away from the door, “… that I love you more than anything and I would never do anything to hurt you, or upset you, or ruin what we have, you know that right?” Y/N pulls away a little.

“I feel like I should be worried.”

“No, you have nothing to be worried about,” Hilary says, “I’m not trying to worry you. I just want you to know that I love you and I want you to be happy and I want both of us to be happy and as in love as we can be.” Y/N gives Hilary a look that says and? “I just wanted to talk to you and I don’t want to fight and I don’t want you to think I’m pressuring you or invalidating your feelings, I just want to share how I’m feeling, no strings attached.”

“Wow therapy really did a number on you,” Y/N says, “Where did my emotionally stunted girlfriend go?”

“What I’m trying to say is that I understand you not wanting to be out and not wanting people to know about us and I would never ask you to do something you’re not comfortable with. I have been feeling like… I hate that I wasn’t there with you at the draft. And I hate that I’m not going to be with you this season and I hate…” Hilary sighs, “I want to be with you. I want to see you as often as I can, and I’m worried that you will get scared or anxious about people finding out about us that I won’t be able to see you. I understand the fear and the concern and I’m not suggesting you come out or that we start flaunting our relationship, but I want to be able to come visit you in Toronto without having to hide where I am or who I'm with. Do you... Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”

“Is that… Are you…” Y/N huffs out a breath then fully pulls away from Hilary. Hilary watches helplessly. “Are you saying you want me to come out?”

“No!”

“You want me to… what? I either come out or I don’t, I don’t know what you’re asking me.”

“I’m not asking you for anything,” Hilary reaches out, but Y/N backs away, “Please, my love–”

“Don’t Hilary,” Y/N says, “Don’t.”

Hilary’s arms stay outstretched, in limbo. Y/N opens her mouth, then shuts it, then leaves, the front door slamming breaking the silence.

Things were so good. Hilary was happy. Every moment with Y/N made her giddy and her cheeks hurt from smiling but she couldn’t help it because every moment with Y/N was the happiest moment of her life. They spent the week following the draft going on dates, and spending every day together, staying in, going out, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was they were together. Even with the looming separation, they couldn’t be happier. And Hilary had to ruin it. Like always.

“Fuck!” Hilary swears.

The dogs start barking and Hilary lets them in. Hilary feels drained. She feels… like it’s over.

***

Y/N comes back hours later. Dinner is cold and wrapped in foil in the oven, Hilary’s poor attempt at keeping it warm, but the food has been sitting in there for at least an hour. Hilary didn’t eat, couldn’t eat, while she waited. The idea of food made her sick to her stomach, but she didn’t want Y/N to be hungry when she came home.

Hilary hears the door from where’s she’s distractedly moving clothes from the washer to the dryer. Laundry needs to be done and Hilary would’ve paced a hole in the floor if she didn’t do something, so she’s in the laundry room, wet clothes in her hands. She doesn’t say anything, not sure if Y/N wants to see her or talk to her or ignore her. She doesn’t move, barely breathes, and waits.

Y/N finds her soon enough. She charges into the room and Hilary isn’t sure what to expect. She expects Y/N to start yelling, with the determined look on her face. She certainly doesn’t expect Y/N to slap the laundry out of her hands and hug her tightly. Hilary hesitates for a moment, completely caught off guard, then hugs back, even more confused than before.

“I’m sorry,” Y/N mumbles against Hilary’s shoulder. “I should’ve heard you out. I should’ve stayed. I didn’t get what you were trying to say and I got frustrated because I hate not understanding things and ever since my concussion I can’t process things right and I’m so mad I’m still dealing with my stupid head, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you and I’m sorry.”

“Don’t call your head stupid,” Hilary says and feels stupid for focusing on that. “I like your head the way it is,” she finishes lamely.

“I’m frustrated,” Y/N says, “All the time and I get what you’re trying to say. I get what you mean.”

“Yeah? You sort of understand now? I wasn’t trying to upset you, I just… I didn’t want to hide it from you.”

“I know,” Y/N says, “Amanda Kessel explained it to me.”

“What?”

Hilary pulls back abruptly. She feels like she’s getting whiplash from this conversation, from this whole day. In what universe does Y/N talk to Amanda Kessel? Hilary didn’t even think Kess had her number, and Y/N definitely doesn’t have Kess’s. Until now, Hilary supposes.

“I was really mad at you and I felt like you were backing off or, like not being clear on purpose so that I wouldn’t get mad? Like it felt like you wanted something from me but you refused to say it outright. And…” Y/N looks away. “And she’s your best friend and I figured if anyone knew what you were trying to say she would. And she did. She told me what you guys talked about. And then we talked about concussion stuff and it was kinda nice.”

“You… It was kinda nice?” Hilary says, bewildered, “Nice? Wh – I’m so confused. You talked to Amanda Kessel about me and it was nice? I thought you hated her.”

“I contain multitudes,” Y/N says.

“I’ll say.”

“Come on, let’s not have this conversation surrounded by your stinky laundry,” Y/N starts leading Hilary out of the laundry room.

“It’s clean!”

Hilary follows Y/N to the living room and sits on the couch. Hilary has no idea where this conversation will go, so she stays quiet.

“I’ve been unfair to you,” Y/N begins, and Hilary wants to argue immediately. “I’ve been making it all about me. After my concussion and… everything, things became about me. You took care of me and I got used to that. I haven’t been focusing on you at all. It’s going to be hard to be away from you and I hate it and I wish we were closer and I can’t change it and I got all in my head about coming out and people figuring out why we go see each other all the time. I never thought about how you feel about everything.

“I’m not ashamed of you, or trying to hide you or us. I never want you to have to hide part of yourself for me. I wanted you at the draft. I wanted… I wanted to come to Boston while you were getting your new place. I just want to be with you, all the time. I get scared and I let my fear control me. I don’t want to not see you because I’m scared people might find out. I don’t want to go a whole season without seeing you. I also don’t want every time we see each other to be spent stuck in one of our places, not going out or posting something. That’s what you were trying to tell me, wasn’t it? That you’re fine not being out with us, but that you don’t want the fear to dictate how we act.”

“Yeah,” Hilary says, “If I was better at speaking, yeah. That’s what I was trying to say.”

“You’ve been doing interviews for how long now?” Y/N teases, “And you’re not good at speaking yet?”

“Shut it or I will dump my dirty, stinky laundry on your face.”

“You said it was clean!”

***

They know the season is coming, but before it does, the Rivalry Series comes first. They have two games early November, then a few days to themselves before training camp starts. They tease each other good naturedly about it as they pack. They both know the Rivalry Series is important prep for Worlds, but they also know it doesn’t really mean anything. The results don’t matter in the grand scheme of things, but it’s fun to pretend like they do. And they both know that even if it doesn’t matter, they’re still going to give it their all and get pissed if they lose.

They fly out to Arizona together before separating to their respective teams. Y/N gets to the hotel Canada is staying at and gets her room key. She doesn’t know who she’s rooming with this camp. Jill isn’t here, and Y/N is upset about that. She feels like she hasn’t seen Jill in forever and she doesn’t know when she’ll see her again. She knows Jill’s been dealing with injury, but she hoped she would still be okay to play.

Her roommate is Jenner, which she finds out when she opens the door and Jenner is on the one bed Facetiming her kids. Jenner waves as Y/N puts her bags on the empty bed. She says a quick hello to Jenner’s kids, even though they don’t remember who she is. She doesn’t stay long, to give Jenner some privacy and to find her teammates she hasn’t seen in a minute.

It doesn’t take long to find Emma Maltais and Jamie Bourbonnais. They’re filming some Tiktok together and they’re loud enough about it that Y/N hears them from all the way down the hallway. When they see her Emma gasps and runs over. Emma hugs her while talking what seems like a mile a minute.

“Oh my god, thank god you’re finally here, Clarky’s being such a buzzkill and she won’t film with us but that’s okay because you will, right?”

It doesn’t really matter if Y/N wants to or not, she never really can say no to Emma Maltais. It’s something about her constant excitement, her puppy dog eyes, but Y/N can’t risk upsetting her. So she agrees and she lets Emma and Jamie direct her on what to do. It’s fun and it’s what Y/N misses when she’s in Minnesota and doesn’t have her national team teammates around. They record a couple and eventually they convince Clarky to join in and they record a couple more.

They goof around for hours and Y/N feels relaxed and happy about how this camp will go.

The US isn’t staying at the same hotel, but they’re not far, so Y/N gets to see Hilary when they both have free time. Hilary delivers her coffee when Y/N has early morning practices, and Y/N ends up crashing a few USA team bonding nights by sneaking into the hotel with Hilary. It’s easy to forget about hockey when they’re not on the ice and Y/N enjoys spending time with her team and Hilary and Hilary’s team, until she fails at sneaking back into her room the night before the first game and Jenner fixes her with a look that makes Y/N feel like a child.

They lose the first game. It’s a frustrating, 3-1 loss where every blocked shot, every puck that got stolen, feels like the hockey gods have it out for them. Hilary scores the first goal, then assists USA’s second. Y/N can tell Hilary’s feeling good as they head off the ice, Hilary’s loud voice echoing through the halls. Y/N feels like shit. She couldn’t do anything to help her team, and she wanted to come back firing from her concussion, show that she’s even better than before. Instead, she fumbled two passes, had all of her shots blocked by a defender so they didn’t even make it to the net.

They lose the next game too. The US goes up early, and Canada spend the rest of the game trying to catch them. Every time Y/N starts to feel like they’re back in it, the US scores, or someone takes a penalty and by the time the game ends, Y/N’s ready to wipe this whole camp from her mind.

If 3-1 is frustrating, 5-2 is humiliating. Hilary didn’t score, but she got two assists. Hilary comes away from camp with four points and two wins. Y/N leaves with zero points and zero wins and the belief that her time with the national team has come to an end.

She still has to see Troy Ryan though. He’s her coach now, all the time, and Y/N likes him, they all do, but she just had a horrible camp in front of him and now she has to fight for a spot on a roster and hope he hasn’t already decided her fate.

***

Training camp almost sneaks up on them.

It can’t, not really, because it’s marked in the calendar and they are all too aware of how few days they have left together. Hilary’s place in Boston is already fully set up, her having more time to prepare, and Y/N’s place is getting there, and she has the help of Sarah Nurse, her roommate. Even though they can both afford to live alone, Sarah argued there’s nothing worse than returning home to an empty house every day and Y/N can’t argue with that. So at least Y/N doesn’t have to be in Toronto all the time since Sarah’s there and can pick up packages she ordered, or set up the living room furniture with the help of their teammates who are already in the city.

The date looms over them, even as they try to ignore it and just enjoy their time together. Y/N finds herself doing things she normally hates, or wouldn’t do, just to do them with Hilary. They work out together, that’s normal, but Y/N wakes herself up at the ass crack of dawn to go running because Hilary is. She watches shitty TV shows that Hilary is obsessed with that she could not care less about, just to sit with Hilary on the couch for hours. They only have two full days together before they’re required to join their teams for training camp. Y/N does everything she can to spend as much time with Hilary as possible.

Y/N wakes up the morning of her flight and wants to bury her head under the blankets. She feels Hilary shift and shut the alarm off. Y/N groans when Hilary’s arms come back around her.

“Good morning sunshine,” Hilary says. Y/N responds with another groan.

“We should just stay,” Y/N says, “We should retire and live here forever.”

Hilary chuckles.

“You don’t mean that,” Hilary kisses Y/N on her head.

“I don’t wanna go,” Y/N says quietly, “I’ll miss you too much.”

“We’ll see each other in a couple of weeks for the Rivalry Series and we’ll have some time off at Christmas, and then once the season starts we’ll play each other every couple of weeks and we can see each other on off days,” Hilary says, “I’ll miss you too, but the season will fly by and then we’ll be together again."

"Yeah, you’re right,” Y/N turns in Hilary’s arms until they’re facing each other.

“We gotta get up if we’re going to get to the airport on time.”

The morning is quiet. They eat breakfast in silence, Y/N going over her mental checklist in her head, making sure she’s packed everything. Hilary’s on her phone, no doubt going over the traffic report. Hilary's flight is later in the day, and Y/N told her not to get up early and to wait until closer to her flight to head to the airport, but Hilary insisted on going with Y/N, even if that meant waiting at the airport for hours.

“We should be okay for traffic,” Hilary says, breaking the silence, “You all packed?”

“Yeah, you?”

“Yeah.”

After they finish eating, Y/N washes their dishes while Hilary brings their bags to the door and calls for an Uber.

As they drive, Y/N stares out the window at her former home, not knowing when she would be back. (That’s a lie. She knows when she’ll be back, she knows the schedule, she knows when she’ll be back in Minnesota). She looks at Hilary. She doesn’t know when she’ll see Hilary again. (Another lie. She knows they’re all going to Utica for preseason. She knows Hilary will be there).

At the airport, Y/N tugs her hood up and ducks her head. It’s hard to remain inconspicuous with Hilary fucking Knight beside you, and Y/N feels the tips of her ears burning with each step they take. Hilary, to her credit, is trying not to draw attention to herself. She has a hat pulled down low and sunglasses on, but she’s still Hilary Knight and a hat and glasses won’t change that.

They get through security fairly easily, both of them experienced travelers that they’re prepared ahead of time with all their documents ready. Y/N knows she’ll have to go through customs once she gets to Canada, and she hates that she has to do that and Hilary doesn’t, because Hilary’s staying in the same country. Y/N’s not upset at playing in Canada. She’s Canadian, she loves being in Canada and playing in Canada, it’s not that. It’s the fact that Hilary isn’t that gets her. She spent so much time worrying about Minnesota and the 22 hour drive that she forgot to consider the Canadian teams and the 10+ hour drives and the border. Even if they flew to each other they have to cross a border and go through customs.

Hilary goes with Y/N to wait by her gate. They find a table to sit at and set down their carry-ons. Y/N wants to put her head down on the table and fall asleep. Hilary seems wide awake, no doubt the coffee she drank before they left. Ever since Y/N had to quit coffee because of her concussion, she never went back. She sleeps better, she’s less anxious, she gets less headaches, and sure while she would like a quick caffeine boost on mornings like this, she’s okay.

“Do you want something to eat or drink?” Hilary asks, “I can go find something while you stay here with our stuff.”

“Some tea?” Y/N asks, “Can you fill up my water bottle too?”

“Of course, good idea.”

Y/N watches Hilary walk away from her and has to close her eyes. Even though Hilary is coming right back, it still feels like she’s leaving, moving further and further away with every step she takes. Y/N’s glad her flight is first. She won’t have to watch Hilary walk away.

Y/N doesn’t want to use up all her phone battery before she even gets on the plane, so she tries to find something to entertain herself while she waits for Hilary. She brought a book, but she doesn’t feel like reading. She ends up staring out the window at the tarmac and watching the planes take off.

“Having fun?”

Y/N jumps when Hilary sits beside her, placing her tea and water bottle in front of her. Y/N thanks her and blows on the tea to cool it down a bit.

“I know it’s probably not as good as, uh, Tom’s right?” Hilary says. Y/N rolls her eyes.

“It’s Tim’s and you know it,” Y/N says, “And Timmies isn’t known for their teas. They have them but they’re just regular tea bags in water. But they really went off with the double double. I might have to go back to coffee.”

“Nah, I bet you’re going to spend all your money on their little donuts.”

“Hilary you cannot be this dense,” Y/N says, “You lived in Canada before. You know they’re called Timbits. I can tell you’re just trying to rile me up.”

“And it’s working right?”

Y/N turns her head away so Hilary won’t see her smile. Hilary laughs, leaning into Y/N’s space and trying to get Y/N to stop avoiding her eyes. Y/N thinks of ‘accidentally’ spilling her tea on Hilary’s lap, but decides that’s probably a really bad idea. She settles for sticking her tongue out at Hilary instead.

Hilary brought cards, because of course she did, and she deals them a hand of Go Fish. After a few rounds, they switch to War, and then Slap, until others around them started giving them dirty looks, then they switched back to War. They’re halfway through a game of Crazy 8s when the PA announces Y/N’s flight.

“I don’t want to go,” Y/N says and she feels like a broken record with how often she says it.

“It won’t be for long baby,” Hilary stands up after Y/N and pulls her in for a hug. Y/N leans into it and tries to memorize Hilary’s scent and her voice and everything about her.

“Promise you’ll always pick up the phone?” Y/N asks in a small voice.

“I promise, cross my heart, scouts honour.”

Y/N reluctantly pulls away and grabs her bag. She hesitates, staring at Hilary, until the PA announces her boarding call again and she turns to the line that’s started moving. She hugs Hilary again and turns away quickly before Hilary can see the tears forming in her eyes.

The only problem with not having to watch Hilary walk away, is having to walk away herself, leaving Hilary standing by herself in the middle of the airport, feeling Hilary’s eyes burning into the back of her skull until she turns the corner and knows she’s out of sight.

***

Hilary supposes Y/N has a point.

Ever since Y/N’s concussion, and maybe for their whole relationship, things have been about Y/N. Not that Hilary’s been ignored, or neglected, but Hilary has spent most of her time trying to make sure Y/N’s happy, that Y/N’s okay and comfortable and comforted. It isn’t until she’s in Boston, alone, that she realizes she’s not okay.

It’s not that she didn’t realize what playing on two different teams means, of course she knows what that means, it’s just that… she didn’t quite process it. She focused on making sure Y/N was okay, that Y/N would be okay with the distance, that she didn’t focus on making sure she was okay.

Y/N never wanted to talk about Boston. She never wanted to hear Hilary tell her Boston was still an option, that just because they didn’t sign her didn’t mean they wouldn’t draft her. So Hilary didn’t talk about it, but it was always in the back of her mind. It was best case scenario for Hilary. She plays professional hockey in a city she loves, and her girlfriend stays by her side. Of course that wasn’t guaranteed, so Hilary accepted that New York would be okay. New York isn’t that far.

Of course, Hilary couldn’t rule out the Canadian teams. Montreal would be fine, a little farther, and sure there’s the rivalry, but Hilary doesn’t care about that. Hilary went through every scenario in her head, but she never really let herself think of anything but Boston. Hilary didn’t want to stress about something that hadn’t happened yet, so she didn’t. But that just meant she wasn’t prepared to hear Toronto announce Y/N’s name.

She wasn’t prepared for how helpless she felt, listening to Y/N crying over the phone and not being there. She wasn’t prepared for them both packing up their house, and having to split their belongings. Hilary wasn’t prepared to remember or decide who owned what, and who needed what where. She wasn’t prepared to go to the airport and then get on different flights.

The first day of training camp is tomorrow, so tonight Hilary is home and trying to prep. She’s packing her hockey bag, making sure she has everything, that nothing got misplaced in the move, and she notices her favourite towel is missing. Then she remembers it’s Y/N’s towel that she kept taking. And suddenly Hilary wants to cry.

She doesn’t. She doesn’t because she’s a big girl and they haven’t been separated for that long and Hilary can handle her girlfriend being in another country for a few weeks. It’s nothing she hasn’t done before.

She doesn’t call Y/N. Her finger hovers over Y/N’s contact before she redirects. Keller pick up on the second ring.

“What’s up Knighter?”

“Are you busy right now?” Hilary asks.

“I was about to go restock my fridge since I don’t think a singular open can of tuna will cut it for dinner, why?”

“Can I come with?” Hilary asks, “I mean, I don’t want to ruin your plans. I just… I’m bored. Wanted to see if you felt like hanging out.”

“Sure Knight,” Keller says, “Come over.”

***

“So,” Keller says as Hilary pushes the cart behind her, “You were bored enough to come get groceries with me?”

“Sue me for wanting to hang Keller,” Hilary says, “I could’ve called anyone.”

“And you still called me,” Keller turns around to wink at Hilary and stick her tongue out. Keller puts something in the cart. “How are things with the wife?” Keller asks. Hilary almost chokes on her own spit. “Heard she’s in Toronto. How are you holding up?”

“I’m fine,” Hilary says, “I’ve done distance before.”

“Not what I asked, but okay.”

“I’m fine!” Hilary insists, “It’s not like she died. She’s in another city. I can talk to her whenever.”

“Another country.”

“It’s not even a different time zone.”

“Do you really expect me to believe you were that bored? That nothing else is going on?” Keller says, “Do I need to call Kess and get her to beat it out of you?” Hilary sighs.

“I just miss her. Don’t laugh at me.”

“I’m not laughing,” Keller says, “Why don’t you call her?”

“We talked last night,” Hilary says, “And I’m fine. It’s not a big deal.”

“You’re only allowed to call when you’re in bed?” Keller asks, “Is it a sex thing? Do you only call to have phone sex?”

“You are the worst friend I have,” Hilary says, “It’s not… I can’t tell her. I’m supposed to be handling this better. I told her we would be fine. I can’t call her now and tell her I’m not fine. I’ll be fine. I just don’t have anything to do and I just think about her when I’m alone and bored. I’ll be fine when training camp ramps up and I have something to do.”

Keller stares at Hilary for a moment, not saying anything, then:

“You’re a real idiot, Knighter, you know that?”

***

Hilary is always thrilled to be on the ice, even for training camp which has a weird atmosphere of players knowing they have a spot and treating this like regular preseason, and players who know their spot’s not guaranteed so they play their hearts out every minute.

The first few practices aren’t very smooth. No one really plays well, but that’s to be expected. They’re coming from all over, different teams, different leagues, and it takes time to learn and build chemistry with each other. Hilary leaves practice feeling like crap even though she knows she shouldn’t, and she tries to act like the older, more experienced player, tries to take on the leadership role of telling everyone not to sweat it, that it’ll come, but it’s hard when she doesn’t believe what she’s saying.

Things get better. They always do. The team gets used to playing with each other, the coaches find consistent lines so they’re not switching it up every five minutes. Hilary feels confident about the season.

Her and Y/N talk as often as they can. It’s not as much as Hilary wants, but she has to make do. They have skype dates, which suck in comparison to real dates, but seeing Y/N’s face, even through her laptop screen is better than nothing.

It’s a few weeks of training camp and then the final rosters are announced. Hilary feels bad for the girls who get cut. It’s the reality of only having six teams and a limited number of spots. She knows she can’t make it better, but she still makes a point to reach out to all of them and compliment them on their playing and tell them to keep it up. The league will expand and there will be more spots and Hilary doesn’t want anyone feeling like they’ve lost their chance.

Training camp ends and preseason begins. Hilary feels like she’s going to vibrate out of her skin. All the teams are going to Utica. Y/N is going to Utica. Y/N is going to be in the same city as Hilary.

Their first game is against each other.

Hilary hates when she has to play against Y/N, but she also kind of loves it. She loves riling Y/N up, getting under her skin, watching her get increasingly annoyed by Hilary, and then having her joking lecture Hilary about it after the game. Hilary likes it when she wins and gets to gloat and brag about her win, but she also likes when Y/N wins because the easy, joyful confidence that borders on arrogance looks really damn good on Y/N. Either way, Hilary reasons, she walks away from the game as a winner.

Hilary doesn’t end up playing, Courtney Kessel deciding to rest her and a few other players, and to see what the rest of the players can do. That was her justification to Hilary when she told her she wasn’t dressing, that she already knows what Hilary can do, what she brings to the team, and she wants to see what everyone else can bring. Hilary gets it, even if it annoys her, and not just because she doesn’t get to play Y/N, but also because she hates having to watch from the stands and not being able to do anything for her team on the ice.

Boston loses, 5-2, and it’s preseason so it doesn’t matter and winning or losing isn’t the point, and Hilary knows that so she joins the team in the locker room and nods along as their coaches go over what they did well and what they need to work on.

Y/N’s waiting for Hilary outside the locker rooms. She’s freshly showered, her hair still wet and dripping on her shoulders, and she wears a smug smile that means Hilary’s in for a night of insults and brags.

“We both have games tomorrow,” Hilary says before Y/N can say anything, “So don’t expect me to stay up late listening to you gloat about a preseason game against undrafted invitees.”

“You’re no fun,” Y/N leans up on her toes to kiss Hilary.

“Come on,” Hilary takes Y/N’s bag from her. It’s not her hockey bag, that one gets handled by the equipment staff, so it's not big or heavy, but what kind of girlfriend would Hilary be if she let Y/N carry her own bag after she played a full game of hockey.

“I’m not going to play tomorrow,” Y/N says on the way back to the hotel.

“That makes sense,” Hilary says, “Make sure everyone plays and rest those who are already a guarantee.”

Y/N is quiet for a few moments. Hilary glances a look over at her and Y/N’s hands are shoved deep in her pockets and she stares down at her feet. It’s such a contrast to how Y/N looked at the rink. The smugness, the happiness seems to be sapped out of her and Hilary doesn’t know why.

“I’m pretty sure I’ll get cut,” Y/N says.

“What?” For a second Hilary isn’t sure she heard right.

“I’ve been playing like shit. Coach already took a risk on Spoons and she’s got more experience than me. He’ll want her more than me, and I just keep showing that I’m not back to where I was before my concussion and I’ll probably never be.”

“That’s bullshit,” Hilary says. Y/N scoffs. “I mean it! All of us are rusty, no one is at their peak and that doesn’t mean you’re going to get cut. You’ve played one preseason game, no one is expecting you to play like you’re in midseason form.”

“I played like shit at the rivalry games and I’ve been playing like shit all training camp. You’re not rusty, you got four points at the rivalry games. I bet you’ll score tomorrow and I’ll be lucky if coach even lets me ride the bench for the season.”

“Y/N…” Hilary doesn’t know what to say. Y/N’s been making great progress with her insecurities, understanding that one bad game or one bad practice doesn’t determine what kind of player she is, and this conversation feels like they’re back to square one. Hilary wants to rant and rave about how amazing Y/N and how hard she is to play against and list every good play Y/N’s made in her entire career, but Hilary knows Y/N won’t hear it. At least not right now.

“Do you think he’ll cut Spoons too? Or Maltais? She didn’t get any points today and she took a couple of penalties,” Hilary says.

“No, of course not. He’d be stupid if he did.”

“I wish you would grant yourself the same grace you give others,” Hilary says, “I wish you could see yourself the way I do.”

Y/N doesn’t answer. She doesn’t say anything the rest of the way back, and she pulls Hilary into her hotel room and drags her onto the bed. Hilary’s normally the big spoon, which is fine with her because she loves getting to hold Y/N, but tonight, Y/N pushes at Hilary until she rolls over, her back to Y/N. Y/N tucks herself against Hilary, her arms around Hilary’s waist and her nose pressed between Hilary’s shoulder blades. Hilary grabs Y/N’s hand and holds it tightly.

***

Y/N doesn’t play the next day. She sits with the other players who aren’t dressing and watches Toronto lose 5-4. She heads down to the locker room with the rest of the team and listens to Troy Ryan’s speech.

“Could’ve used you out there,” Blayre pats Y/N’s shoulder as Troy finishes and the team begins to trickle out.

“Oh my god yes,” Nursey pipes up, “Imagine if we had her in the neutral zone.”

Y/N doesn’t really know what to say. She doesn’t know what they think she could’ve done, and she doesn’t think she’s allowed to say that she doesn’t think she would’ve done anything if she had played.

“So,” Nursey nudges Y/N, “Should I vacate the hotel room for you and Hilary tonight or are you kicking her roommate out?”

“What? Oh,” Y/N fumbles around with her bag just to give herself something to do, “I don’t uh, probably, uh, I don’t know. I don’t know what Hilary wants to do.”

Everyone’s starting to trickle out of the locker room, so Y/N thinks it’s alright if she does too. She’s not looking up when she leaves, just wanting to get out of the arena and away from all things hockey as soon as she can.

“Hey Hilary Knight!” Sarah’s voice booms, “Do I get to stay in my own hotel room tonight or should I find somewhere else to sleep?”

Y/N’s head snaps up, and there’s Hilary, standing in the hallway, waiting for her.

“Nah,” Hilary says, “We kicked you out last night, Brandt can figure it out.”

“What are you doing here?” Y/N says to Hilary once the team has mostly dispersed from the hallway, “Don’t you have a game, like right now?”

“Yeah,” Hilary shrugs, “But we had to wait for you guys to clear off the ice first so.”

“We’re off the ice, so you should be on it,” Y/N says. Despite her words and her tone, Y/N is actually touched that Hilary’s here. Hilary, who should be with her team, who should be warming up, who should be using these precious preseason games to build chemistry with her new team, who should be acting as captain and putting hockey first over everything, is here, waiting outside another team’s locker room for a few minutes of conversation with her girlfriend.

“I’ll go in a sec,” Hilary says, “I just wanted to see you. I’ll text you when I’m back to the hotel? If you’re up for it we could grab dinner and hang.”

“I’d like that,” Y/N says. Hilary makes a move as if she’s going to leave, and Y/N drops her bag on the ground, and hugs Hilary tight around the waist. Hilary hugs her back immediately. Y/N closes her eyes, buries her head in Hilary’s chest. Y/N forces herself to pull back after a moment, she knows Hilary needs to go. Hilary doesn’t let her go far though, pulling her back in to give her a few pecks before letting her go.

“You really need to go,” Y/N says, “And I’m gonna miss the bus.”

“It must be the end of the world if you have to stay and watch me play and ride back with us later.”

“I’d rather not be put on house arrest for the rest of preseason. You know Troy would find a way to keep me away from all the other teams.”

“Yeah,” Hilary grimaces, “You better go.”

***

It doesn’t quite sink in until later, what being on two different teams means.

Yes, Y/N knows what it means and she knows they’ll be living in two different cities, she knows this. She’s been grappling with it since the league was announced, since before they even knew they were going to be on different teams. It occurs to her, later, when Y/N is giving Nursey an apologetic look as Hilary shows up at their hotel room, that they’ve been living in some sort of a bubble.

The Rivalry Series, preseason, they’ve been on different teams, but in the same place. They’re still seeing each other every day, no matter how brief, even if it’s just passing each other in the hall, they still see each other. They spend every night in one of their hotel rooms, falling asleep in each other’s arms.

Hilary flops on Y/N’s bed like it’s her own, throwing her beanie on top of Y/N’s suitcase on the floor. She grabs the tv remote and flips through the hotel’s limited channels. She sits with one arm behind her head, her legs crossed over each other, sweatpants low on her hips, shirt rising up. Y/N doesn’t even notice Nursey leaving.

“Are you just going to stand there staring at me all night?” Hilary teases. Y/N rolls her eyes and joins Hilary on the bed. Hilary shifts instinctively, letting Y/N fit under her arm. Hilary’s still channel flipping.

It strikes Y/N then, that she doesn’t get this anymore in less than a month. She only gets Hilary for another week or two at most. And then all she’ll get is a handful of times when their teams play each other. It makes her want to cry. In fact, she does, lowering her head and trying to make sure Hilary doesn’t see.

Hockey has always been Y/N’s safe place. Whenever she has doubts or insecurities, or when her brain won’t shut off, or when she just needs to be good, she has hockey. She’ll shoot pucks in a net in the driveway if she has to. Wherever she is, whatever is going on, she’s always had hockey.

With her concussion, Y/N didn’t have hockey. She didn’t have that escape when she needed to forget the world. And even now, even though she can play again, hockey doesn’t turn her brain off. She gets in her own head about hockey now. She’s not 100% yet and she doesn’t know if she ever will be and every second she’s on the ice, she’s paranoid about how she’s playing and every time she’s near the boards it’s like she can feel the phantom presence of skaters behind her, ready to shove her again. Every time she takes a hit she panics that she’s hurt her head again.

She realizes in that moment, hockey isn’t her escape, Hilary is. Every time she needs to shut her brain off, she’s turned to Hilary. When the media, when her head, when her fear threatens to consume her, she has Hilary to distract her until she feels better. And she realizes that soon Hilary will be miles away, hours away, and she won’t be able to just go to Hilary or have Hilary come to her and make it all better.

Oh god, Y/N thinks, how the hell am I going to last a whole season without her?

***

After preseason, the next leg of the Rivalry series comes. It feels like the month goes by so quickly, but Hilary loves it. She spends the whole time playing hockey and hanging with her friends and being with Y/N. She’s fought so hard for this league and now that it’s here, she’s spending every moment soaking it in and being grateful that it’s finally here.

The first game is in Kitchener. Y/N’s not from Toronto, but her hometown is only a few hours away, so she always talks about Toronto like it’s home. Whenever someone asks Y/N where she’s from, she’ll say Toronto. It took Hilary months to learn that Y/N didn’t actually grow up in Toronto.

“It’s just easier,” Y/N explained, “People know where Toronto is. I don’t have to try and explain where I’m from and everyone would just ask what the nearest big city is, or if it’s near Toronto. It’s just easier.”

Kitchener isn’t Toronto, Hilary knows this, but it’s only a few hours away. Y/N’s family will be at the game. Hilary hasn’t not met Y/N’s family, but apart from a few phone calls where she stuck her head in to say hi, she hasn’t really met them. At the Olympics, Y/N’s family had been there, but she wasn’t ready for them to meet Hilary, she wanted to wait until the Olympics were over. Then, her concussion, and they were almost broken up, and well, there just hasn’t been a good time.

If asked, Hilary wouldn’t say she’s nervous. She’s met lots of people’s families before, her partners’ families, her friends’ families, and everyone loves her. Hilary is actually really good at the ‘meeting the family’ thing that she never worries when someone’s relative approaches her. However, she loves Y/N. She loves Y/N more than anything and she doesn’t know if they know anything about their almost breakup or how awful Hilary was or if they know that it was partially Hilary’s fault that Y/N got a concussion.

What Hilary is mostly concerned about is that they know about all of it and they’ve already decided they don’t like her. That they’ll tell Y/N they don’t approve and Y/N will break up with her, for good this time.

It’s a bit dramatic, and Hilary knows how much Y/N loves her. Everything has been so good. A couple of bumps with the draft and being on different teams and not being out and they’re finally in a good place with all of it. They’ve been through so much and come out on the other side that Hilary knows Y/N isn’t going to throw everything away, throw her away, no matter what her family says.

It still makes her nervous though.

In the end, none of it really matters.

The US wins in overtime and Hilary and her teammates celebrate the hard fought win and going up 3-0 in the series. After the game, the locker room talks, and everyone finds their way to the buses and talks of what they’re going to do to celebrate when they get back (quietly, where the coaches can’t hear because they technically have a curfew because they have to leave for the next game tomorrow and they’re supposed to be resting and recovering) Hilary backs out of the celebrations and goes in the opposite direction of the bus. She’s already cleared it with the coaching staff and promises to be back in the hotel before curfew and she meets Y/N and her family in the parking lot.

“Hey, good game,” Hilary says to Y/N, “Too bad we were just better.”

“Shut up Hil,” Y/N rolls her eyes and gives Hilary a quick hug. Hilary turns to Y/N’s parents and offers her hand.

“Hi, it’s nice to finally meet you – oh.”

Y/N’s mom ignores the hand and hugs Hilary. Y/N’s dad shakes her hand after the hug ends and as they walk to the car, Hilary doesn’t feel like an outsider, she feels like she’s part of the family. She pulls Y/N close to her side, kisses the side of her head, and keeps her smile pressed to Y/N’s hairline.

“What are you smiling about?” Y/N asks.

“I love you,” Hilary says, “I’m happy to be here with you. I’m happy to be a part of your life. I could do this forever with you, you know that?”

“Forever’s a long time,” Y/N says.

“Not with you it’s not.”

Hilary turns her head away and sees Y/N’s mom watching them, a smile on her face. Hilary doesn’t know what she was worried about.

***

They have a bit of a break for Christmas. Not a long one, but enough time to have the actual holiday off. The first game is January 1st, so they basically get Christmas Day off and are told they should report to their teams ASAP. Hilary’s fine with that, having lived the professional athlete life long enough to be used to missing holidays or just barely making them at all.

Hilary and Y/N had floated the idea around of spending Christmas together, but with their families in separate places, they decided to spend Christmas with their own families. Hilary wants to spend Christmas with Y/N, especially since they’re about to be separated for five months, but she sees her own family so little as it is, that she doesn’t have the heart to tell her mom she can’t come.

Hilary’s figuring out flights when she calls her mom to sort out their plans.

“Is it just you or is Y/N joining us?” Cynthia asks.

“Just me Mom,” Hilary says, “She’s seeing her family.”

“Is that what you want?” Cynthia asks.

“I want to spend it with her, but she doesn’t get to see her family ever and I respect that.”

“You know I love you and I would love you being here, but I don’t want you here if you’re going to spend your whole time on the phone with her. If your head is where she is then that’s where you should be too.”

“Mom,” Hilary says, “I can’t do that. It’s Christmas. I already made plans to come home.”

“You haven’t booked flights yet.”

“Mom.”

“I won’t be upset if you do come home,” Cynthia says, “You know I love whenever I get to see you, but I don’t want you sulking around my house on Christmas because you’d rather be somewhere else. We’ll come see you during the season and you’ll have the whole offseason to come see us. If you want to be with her, you should be with her.”

***

Y/N loves seeing her family. She hasn’t been able to be home much in recent years. She loves being home, but she can’t help being a little distracted. Hilary texted her ‘good morning’ earlier, but since then, Y/N hasn’t heard anything. It’s not the end of the world, since Hilary is probably busy with her own family, but it still bothers Y/N.

“How are you feeling about the season?” One of Y/N’s cousins asks. Y/N snaps back into the conversation.

“Oh, uh, I think it’ll be good. I’m excited to play,” Y/N says, “I’m… I’m nervous, because of my head, but the docs say I’m all good to play and hopefully no one’s gonna knock me head first into the boards again,” Y/N laughs.

Y/N keeps up the conversation, even though she’s half focused on her phone and the lack of message notifications. She’s too distracted to notice her own family looking at their phones, and too distracted to notice her mom getting up and opening the front door.

“It’s not fair that Y/N gets her present early,” Y/N’s cousin speaks up. Y/N looks up in confusion and almost chokes on air.

“Hi baby,” Hilary says, standing in the living room, bags at her feet, looking tired.

“Wh… What are you doing here?” Y/N stammers.

“Surprising you,” Hilary answers with a smile.

Y/N’s mom tells Y/N to take Hilary up to her room and get her settled before dinner. Y/N does, still in shock that Hilary’s here.

“I thought I might at least get a hug,” Hilary says once Y/N closes her bedroom door behind them, “After all, I did just fly all the way here to spend Christmas with you.”

Y/N takes Hilary’s bags from her, and drops them on the bed. Then she pulls Hilary into a hug. She takes a deep breath, taking in the scent and the feel of Hilary being here, with her.

“What are you doing here?” Y/N asks, not letting Hilary go.

“I want to spend as much time with you as I can before the season starts. I’m going to miss you so much.”

“I’ll miss you too,” Y/N says.

“Should we go back and join everyone?” Hilary asks. Y/N shakes her head.

Hilary did all of this, flew all this way, coordinated with her family, gave up Christmas with her own family, to spend it with Y/N. It almost hurts, how much Y/N loves Hilary. Y/N loves her so much, and she’s never felt as loved as she does with Hilary, and here, in her room, with the sounds of her family’s laughter downstairs, and with Hilary’s arms around her, Y/N can’t help but think how lucky she is.

And how much the next five months will suck.

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