#With how much I've survived I really don't think needing to flaunt about having friends or partners means much to someone like me.

[doomer-soyjack]

I've survived bullying, cancer, homelessness, loss of my father's support, unemployment, eating disorders, heart attacks, multiple suicidal attempts, abusive nurses and doctors, harrassment, racism, emotional and physical abuse, defamation, heartbreak, robbery, and many more things.

On my fucking own.

I think that automatically makes me stronger and better than most people regardless of NPD.

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FROM THE MANDALORIAN *  assorted dialogue from season 1, episodes 7 and 8

that was a joke.

i think we should go.

this will make you complete.

at least out there, we've got a shot.

i would prefer to avoid any further violence, and encourage a moment of consideration.

i'm out of ideas.

care to double the bet?

i will very much make it worth your while.

hey, stop the boat!

did you know about this?

no no! stop! we're friends!

it seems like a straightforward operation.

this is the lava river.

it means more to me than you will ever know.

i have one more gift for your journey.

the minute we open the door, we're dead.

i'm not gonna make it.

i don't know. i've been advised to lay low.

they must know we're coming.

hey, i'm talking to you! i said stop!

yet somehow you walk free.

you know how it is.

i guess we can call it even.

should we offer that thing some water?

are we gonna keep talking or are we gonna get out of here?

i'm afraid i have more pressing matters at hand.

show me the one whose safety deemed such destruction.

you wish me to train this thing?

i'm shooting my way out of here.

you may wanna check again.

we're still moving.

i've seen otherwise.

i'm already free of worry, and i'm not in the mood to play soldier anymore.

we should at least discuss an escape plan.

i haven't heard that name spoken since i was a child.

if you're asking if you can trust me, you cannot.

i would gladly break any promise and watch you die at my hand.

i will act in my own self-interest.

this is unacceptable.

you may think you have some idea what you are in possession of. but you do not.

let's go over the plan again.

do you trust me?

you just wanna look at it.

i'm not hungry.

looks old. will it take the heat?

there is nothing to be sad about.

that's not good enough.

i can no longer carry this for you.

listen, you're not going anywhere.

we're getting close. saddle up.

did you do this? did you?

i can hold them back long enough for you to escape.

i will have no choice but to kill you.

we can make it.

at least cover your tattoo. no need to flaunt it.

get me close to him and i'll kill him.

would anyone care for some tea?

really? that could be a problem.

looks like we fight.

that's a go to proceed, but i advise you to double check.

it is meant to put you at ease.

thank you. i will wear this with honor.

i need to remove your helmet if i am to save you.

we need you.

if we can get down there, they can help us escape.

some of my favorite people are bounty hunters.

i'm not... sad.

i don't have a choice.

that's a good idea.

i don't care to find out.

what is that thing, anyway?

it was left behind in the wake of your destruction.

well, then what do you suggest? 'cause i can't surrender.

did any survive?

you got a better idea?

we need you.

i'm coming with you.

the plan was to kill you.

you have no choice.

who is this guy?

it is a shame that your people suffered so.

it looks helpless.

i get that point. do you get the point?

what did you do?

let's get the hell out of here.

you might be surprised to hear this, but i am alive too.

i will eliminate any enemy and you will escape.

what do you propose?

any update yet?

watch your feet.

i see nothing but death and chaos.

i've run into some problems.

you have something i want.

that's easy for you to say.

come with us.

i'm not gonna make it and you know it.

this is our only path out. can you clear it?

i won't leave you.

you don't have that kind of firepower.

i will not abandon this place until i have salvaged what remains.

you're staying here?

is there another way out?

he's trying to eat me.

[paulamehy]

Back when I was younger, I did label things that I like and things I hate. Identified things that I thought I don't need and those I needed from what the society approves. And as I age, I realized that categorizing things only will lead you to disappointment because you can't always get everything that you like. Whether you want it to be part of your life or not, you have no choice but to accept that one's existence doesn't only consists of beautiful things.

And as I realized that, I became aware of my entity as well. I only binded my sight on something that gives light, I was so positive that everything that surrounded me was capable of dropping things that I hate without me knowing that it will become part of my life in the future. I despise myself for having that way of thinking.

As much as possible I want to be in a role where I'm the most loved by everyone. I remember in my childhood days, amongst my friends I always choose cartoon character that I knew had the greatest and biggest role in the show, character that was pretty, kind, lovable, friendly, cheerful and in the main lead. And in real life, I have tons of friends because I don't want to look loner, I show off my talents to make people embrace me as a special one, I'm cheerful up-front because it's what made me being remembered, and in a circle I wanted to be the main lead. I gained people and I want to be accepted by them to the means of flaunting every qualified aspects that I have and even some that I didn't have. And the fact that I did those only because I thought they're all I needed, and it's what the society said.

I was loved because I chose to be loved; because I chose to be happy.

But I slowly became conscious about myself. Realization hits me that I'm not pretty enough, I don't have perfect body, I do and I love weird things that people might find offensive and awful, I'm smart but I'm lazy, neglectful and klutz, I have lots of sexual fetishes and addiction that can't be accepted by norm if you're a female, I'm a sadist, I always had lewd thoughts, I'm sympathetic but sometimes it's done half-hearted, I'm aggressive, warfreak and manipulative. I'm overconfident that I can manipulate people and feelings towards me forever because I was able to.

Those rascal traits of mine were flaunted after years ago, and to suprised that there was someone who still accepted me for who I am. I was the happiest person that time and I believe that nothing in this world can ever replace those memories.

But this is not a romance journal.

Until the darkness that I never thought I'll encounter came out.

People are saying that it is one's choice if they want to be happy. I started to lose my sanity the time that I became self-conscious, I became so insecure and anxious and I always compare myself to others because I felt that I'm not enough and unworthy to extent of me being disappointed with myself.

Those "just be happy" kind of statements will never work out.

And because I'm studying Psychology that time so I have hints on what's going on with me. I had some short time dealing with mania and depressive episodes, or I'm being sad and anxious for awhile but always end up being fine because there's someone who's taking care of me and making sure that everything's alright. It really worked out for several years and I think that was already my happy ending that doesn't need to be extended with any other person anymore.

Sequels are unnecessary in real life.

However, I can't blame that someone for looking for another party to love because I sucked at being lovable, I knew that it's because he was fed up and been tired of understanding this thing that even me can't understand. I just hate myself and that everyone else is better than me.

Apart from that, my parents eventually got separated due to third party. And for me, it is understandable that the one just fell out of love. Is it? I can't think of anything else to feel aside from accepting the reality and move on and besides, they are still my parents. But it really hurts a lot, so much that I can't find any definition from dictionary on how to describe how I felt.

Anguish.

But I can't come to hate every single person around me. I never called it "betrayal" because in the end I still blame it to myself. I lost most of the important persons in my life together with my trust in everything. In those people who believe that it's not my fault, I somehow dug for the reasons why I should blame myself.

I believe that I was hit by karma because I've done so much filthy things for the past few years that I can never put into words.

I really can't help myself but to cry to sleep every night, overdid everything to escape the reality that I'm now alone and in this miserable state. I became detached with the things that I used to love before such as singing, writing, reading and drawing as all I did for living is to work.

I tried different coping mechanisms. I used different people, been used by different people. Been in a bar every other day until I lose my consciousness. Beaten myself to job and repeat. I often found myself in hospital or clinic due to fatigue and other sickness and I just cry as I pity myself.

That's when I realized that I've been clinging to other people for happiness to the point that being alone agonized me so much. I can't calm myself anymore because in the first place it's not me who is pacifying myself everytime I'm having horrible thoughts, considering that I hated my existence to death.

My depressive episodes gotten worst, I started cutting my wrist, face and legs to reduce the pain which I never did before, I also tried overdosing myseIf using my medicines but I only ended up being asleep for two days and been drowsy, I was so insane that I even went to different place and decided to drown myself, but I was caught up by the guard.

As expected, I was diagnosed with Manic-Depression/Bipolar Disorder 10 months ago, and in 6 months I was in the process of medication, been taking psychotic, antidepressant drugs and such which made me numb and apathetic up to present. Those who knew about my horrible situation were only my previous colleagues. I somewhat managed to hide this from my family.

Several months ago, I started to weigh down some things to refresh my mind. I tried to survive on my own. I quit school, I moved to different workplace, been independent, cut ties with other people and I started to change some of my coping mechanisms.

I thought that those are the best things to do, but I knew to myself that its only because I want to run away from everything. I've tried too many coping mechanisms and escape was only the last option. Inever regret those things that I did in the past, but I felt that I need to put myself together for a bit. I don't have any plans on making myself better neither heal myself from the pain. I'll just exist and to my job right for the rest of my life.

It's been 6 months since I decided to slowly compose myself, I can't tell whether I'm completely recovered or what and I don't want to be complacent. I'm still on the same track, my thought are still bleak, I'm not happy neither sad, I don't feel anything towards everything literally and emotionally probably because of the medicines I'm currently taking. I'm coming to work for survival, I only have 1 friend that I can talk to with regard to office stuff, I am not standing out with anyone, a lowkey. I'm not accepting any courting or flirting. As much as possible I don't want to involve myself in infatuation. I changed every single aspects, habits, beliefs and behaviors that I can, and unexpectedly I was able to attain 6 months of not drinking any liquor. It doesn't make any sense but I feel like testing myself again.

I also created my bucket list that I want to fulfill before killing myself. But I just hope that I'll die without doing any self-infliction as I don't want to make any sin anymore.

The only trait that I knew was good and that I can't change is me being empathetic. I understand people for doing things whatever the reasons are even if it affects me, hurts me and such. I had this trait that I wish I didn't have.

In the end I never blamed anyone or anything because it's my choice to be in this situation. I got swallowed by the dark path that I just encountered and I don't think I can do anything else.

I just never loved myself to begin with.