#Why did it took me 10 years to discover this masterpiece

[pepperinstarryskyicecream]

Getting into Dragon's Dogma recently since it was on sale on Steam and Capcom just released the trailer for it's sequel. At the start of the game I didn't expect much since it's 10 years old already but my god color me impressed 😩. I'm specially fond of the game design of the pawn system, really love how their AI assist the player both in combat and explore.

Having them loot every crate and corner and carry all the stuff feel like someone doing all the housework for you, which would feel like it's nothing worth mentioning but to a loot goblin like myself, it's really a big help and lifted my burden of having to loot everything in my line of sight and meet with inventory management afterward, this really does enhance my gaming experience and I wish more games would do this. Not to mention I like how they are all chatty and seem to have a lot to say regarding different situation, location and even remind us to double sure which road lead to our desired destination when we encounter a fork, or be careful around the edge. Their dialogues liven up the entire game so much more and make this journey not so lonely. Although some of the lines get old really quick but I think it's a part of their charm.

The class mechanic is such a wonder too, I usually main Mystic Knight and Sorcerer. Loving how the Sorcerer's spells are so impactful and make me feel like a god calling forth natural disaster into the battlefield. And MK is a very well executive vocation, I really thought this was just gonna be a fighter with some half asses combination of physical and magic, but to my surprise this class offers a lot versatility in both ranged and melee combat, as well as elemental damage. A shame that they won't be back for DD2 but the new Mystic Spearman seem very interesting too so I will give that one a try when the game come out.

Also, I played through the ending and BBI and the feels hit me like a truck, goddamn I really thought this was just gonna be an archtypical JRPG with the chosen one motif and the story would end with slaying the big bad red dragon 😭😭😭. Though, I wish they would elaborate more about the worldbuilding and the cycle throughout the main quest rather than dumping all of it in the ending.

Overall this is a great game and has made it way into my top 3 games list. Really wish I had played it sooner 😢

[3d-visions]

False Lankum - Lankum

This was the first album I listened to from 2023 in full, I know, very sad, but starting this slightly different flavour of breakdown has really changed the way that I listen to music. And to be very honest, this was both a challenge and a catalyst. In the past, the way I have interacted with music has been flighty and obsessive, repeatedly listening to a singular song whilst neglecting the rest of the album. This is why (and it should come as no surprise to anyone who has listened to this album in full) that this was a challenging album for my short attention span to listen to, especially as a return to full length listening.

Don't worry, I'll set the scene for you. On Friday the 5th of April (I sound like a wanker, last Friday) I travelled up to the north of England to the thoroughly depressing city of Hull - it even feels awful when you say it, try it now, say it out loud, I'll wait here for you. Done it? Good, now keep reading - (probably because of the weird vibes of my family) to visit family and go and see Ed Gamble in York. When we arrived after a refreshing 10 hours of driving, I was promptly frog-marched into my grandparent's house. Soon enough I had the chance to skulk off, up the creakiest stairs in existence to a room I used to share with my brother and cousins. You know the feeling when you go back to a primary school that you went to as a child and remark 'oh it's all so much smaller than I remember', now make it derelict. Returning to that room without the accompaniment of childhood or people creates a unique sadness, so I did the obvious thing and blocked it out completely. And thus began my deep dive into the music of 2023. It's a wonder how, when surrounded by the accoutrements of your rapidly rotting childhood, you can become so engrossed in reminiscing about my last year of not being an adult.

Anyway, onto the actual album, I know I've talked a lot about myself, but this is for me and not you so… I discovered this album when I scrolled to the guardian's album of the year on their 'top 50 of 2023'. Of course, being the impatient little imp I am, I imminently popped my noise-cancelling headphones on and emersed myself in the traditional folk/ drone metal masterpiece. Disclaimer, I literally know nothing about music, I'll do my best.

'Go Dig My Grave' is the opening track of the record, and it begins with the piercing, melodic, unaccompanied vocals of Radie Peat. If I were to come across this opening in my casual music listening, then I would skip quickly as my puny, internet-poisoned brain would not be able to handle an eight and a half minute song. However, once I took a quick glance around the room, I was open to something new. Soon enough, the unnerving floating vocals are accompanied by disembodied notes that are eerily elongated and a monotone duet providing a spine tingling bass/ drone-y feel which I can only imagine is amazing live. The floating notes soon amalgamate into a cacophony of noise that seems straight from hell, the drone has become heady and metallic, almost screeching. Where the rest of the song is felt in your extremities the final few minutes are most certainly targeting the head, I can almost feel the continuous pitched drone in my temples. It brings with it the experience of a gig, like you can feel the music through the speakers, but without bursting an eardrum.

'Clear Away in the Morning' drifts seamlessly into the ending of the last track, continuing the high-pitched and swooping drone I am so fond of but introducing a melodic pendulum of noise accompanied by acoustic strumming. Despite the lack of vocals for the first two and a half minutes, the instrumentation manages to evoke the feeling of the ocean, of waves crashing against rocks. It feels 'of the Romantics' (getting use out of my English A-Level) and to me gives a definite sense of the sublime, it makes the listener small in the face of majesty, almost meditative. Even once the vocals begin, the track doesn't lose its sublimity, it's only enhanced by the harmonising vocals, which to me feel almost rapturous. Personally, it reminds me (yes, back to me again) of a day in November. I was walking back to my university halls, I could hear through the occasional 'einschwingvorgang' of thunder (there isn't a word in English that matches) lilting melodies from the cathedral, dipping in and out, the stained-glass windows illuminating the surrounding area with other-worldly light. Through the pounding of rain, I couldn't make out the lyrics I could only hear the harmony of the collective, I sat outside the cathedral for over an hour in the pouring rain that night. I could have just listened to this song because, same vibes.

'Fugue I' is the first of 3 interludes within the album that act as musical markers within the wide expanse of ocean that is this album, the swing of a lighthouses beam recalibrating the listener's position. This one brings a nice, yet definitive, end to the collective of the last two tracks. It gradually increases in pace until the abrupt ending, which heads into the next track.

'Master Crowley's' (haha, I fucking love good omens, Neil Gaiman <3) though jaunty in its use of sting instruments and its higher tempo beats feels constantly at risk of falling in on itself. It feels almost alive. The song has a real sense of movement, of some kind of behemoth lumbering along, the jig (idk if that's the right word) is placed on a soundscape of life. As we reach the halfway mark of the track, it shifts. We are taken down into the belly of the giant metallic beast and the jig is overpowered once again by the pendulum of noise seen in 'Clear Away in the Morning'. This track, due partially because of the lack of lyrics, takes the listener on a journey through the musical arrangements, for me this tracks creates the most imagery.

'Newcastle' is the song that my mother likes the most from this album and is comparatively (at least to its fugue mate) simple, though the layering and soundscape that surround the music provides depth, the real power of this song is Peat's voice. This track, I would say, is one of the most beautiful of the whole album. I feel bad because I don't have much to say about this song other than to just praise its beauty and gorgeousness. If for some reason you only listen to one song off of this album, then let it be this one.

'Fugue II' is the second of our three fugues and the shortest. Once again, it provides a nice bridge between the sections of music. The fugues I think are a bit more experimental than the full tracks. They provide a space to explore a newer sound. This one evokes a definite maritime feel, though that could just be me. The sprinkling of high-pitched tones brought to my mind the movement of metal chains at the docks, the constant cold pull of them as you heave them away from the sea. The screams and screeches of the rusting metal as they call back to the ocean.

'Netta Perseus' is once again a more acoustic number, but rather than the soundscape of 'Newcastle', the music here seems to swell and twist around the guitar. The sound as a whole seems more cohesive, the sounds are no longer just concordant but intertwining. Once you hit halfway, it changes into a wall of sound similar to 'Master Crowley's belly of the beast. The acoustic is attacked and taken over by the goliath of sound, strings weaving in and out of incessant drumming until the vocals come back in calming the sound back down. The lullaby like harmonies reach out and raining in the catastrophising noise.

'The New York Trader' is another fucking banger, it might sound like I'm hyping this album up too much, but it is genuinely just that good. This song in particular is far more closely linked to the music which I usually listen to. In preparation of writing this, I have done absolutely no research other than the short bit of information on the guardian's top 50 list. But this track sounds quite distinctively punk-y, both the lyrics and the sound feels quite a bit grimier, it displays a more intense sound with markedly more aggression which can be heard even in the strumming of the guitar.

'Lord Abore and Mary Flynn' another beautiful acoustic number, more of a ballad this time with gloriously rapturous restrained strings, and I am a fucking sucker for string arrangements. I'm going to talk a bit about the album as a whole. I think now, I would say that this album feels, more than anything else, like a labour of love and a definite unwillingness to compromise on a vision. This album, despite much of the lyrical content, feels quite celebratory to me. I'm not sure whether that celebration for me comes from a completely realised and unhindered creative vision or something else. Perhaps the complete harmony of the group, there is no pulling indifferent directions, this is clearly exactly what every member wants to be doing. I would be willing to bet that these people had been working together for years, the synchronicity and ease is so apparent throughout.

'Fugue III' Our final fugue, and our longest one, this track once again makes use of the high-pitched drone - at this point I can call it a motif right? But with an undercurrent of guitar, though after the seven minutes of melody from the last track, this one creates the most dissonance yet.

'On a Monday Morning' feels almost filmic in its execution, it has grand swells and mellow dips, I can't keep saying how beautiful this album is, just go and fucking listen to it. This album feels like a Magnum Opus, it feels definitive and powerful. The sound surrounds you and envelops you, once again to use the maritime metaphor, you are swept away to the sea during this record. It feels like less of an album and more of a dream, you transcend different realms and stories and become intertwined, yet it's not overwhelming, yes you have been swept away by the tide, but you aren't drowning. Don't worry, I've almost finished waxing poetic.

'The Turn' is the final culmination, a 13-minute culmination, it's joyous and definitive. It tells of a ship departing, as they are departing from this album. The occasional pick-ups of tempo and instrumentalisation create a (and I hate to use the word again) rapturous feeling, at the end of a truly amazing album which I'm sure will continue to live with me for a long time.

This is long and, and I doubt that anyone has actually read this far, but I guess if you have any recommendations, let me know or if you disagree with me or have anything to add (fr none of my friends know I'm trying to listen to everything from 2023). Also, if somehow you have read this and not listened to the album like literally wtf are you doing, go and listen to it.

[georgie-the-mate]

Turning Red and coming to terms with my sexual identity

Recently, I watched the movie Turning Red with my boyfriend. In case you have not seen it yet. It's a cute story from Disney Pixar that tells the story of a 14 year-old Asian-Canadian girl and the awakening of her "red panda" which serves as an allegory for puberty, menstruation, etc (there are many interpretations out there). For me , however, it was awfully similar to how I figured out my sexual identity as a gay man, my father's reaction when he found out and finally coming to terms and accepting that as a part of me and not something I could take out through a "magical ritual." Keep in mind that, unlike the movie, this happened to me over the course of at least 10 years.

Potential SPOILERS ahead.

The Awakening of the "red panda

In the film, Mei awakens her Panda after a series of events triggered by her emerging interest in boys, namely her drawing fanart of her crush in her notebook. In my case, it all started back when I was around 15. I enjoyed coming back from school and tuning into whatever Disney Channel sitcom was airing at the time. Eventually I found myself more attracted to the male characters, particularly David Henrie's Justin Russo from the Wizards of Waverly Place. This peaked to the point of spending hours online looking for shirtless pictures of the actors and getting highly excited whenever they happened to appear that way on screen. AWOOOGA! I was raised in a very Christian and traditional Latin American family, so at the time I couldn't quite understand it and feared that I could be having sinful thoughts. I dismissed it as a role model desire. After some years I happened to discover gay porn and dating apps like Grindr and this is where my next parallel comes in.

The Parent Shaming.

First to the movie. After her night drawing, Mei's mother comes into her room to find her masterpieces and quickly confronts her. However, instead of talking calmly about it, she rushes to the store where the “model” was working and accuses him of “corrupting”her child.

Alright so this happened to me at least twice or thrice in a couple of different ways. First I was looking for videos of naked men, without really knowing what porn was at the time, and ended up watching porn on the family computer and somehow forgot to delete the browser’s history and close the tabs; HUGE mistake. The next day both of my parents confronted me about it and dismissed it as one of those growing pains never to be talked about again.

Then the second instant I remember of a similar situation was when I was 17. One day my father randomly retrieved my cell phone and went through my messages. At the time I changed schools so I had a conversation with a friend from my previous school in which we were kinda having a bromance moment. My dad took this as him “inciting” into liking men and the worst part is something I discovered many years later. My dad confronted HIM through my phone and apparently even talked to his parents. Naturally we distanced, but when I tried to reconnect he didn’t respond which at the time I couldn’t understand why. If you read this, I am truly sorry for that happening; I had no idea until recently.

Now the most painful and recent instance of the parent shaming. I was 19 years old, already in college and ventured into my first relationship with another man with my first sexual experience; it ended after a few months. Due to that, my hormones were all over the place so I wanted to experiment more and know more people and have more interactions, and so I opened a Grindr account. This time is quite shameful to remember but here it goes. I spoke to literally anyone I could find and sent private pictures to whomever requested them in an attempt to get more action with guys. One day, one of these convos leaked to my dad. I still don’t know who did it but I do hope karma or the universe gets back at him. You might imagine everything that happened after. My dad confronted me and called me lots of different hurtful slurs, told my siblings, my church, ultimately saying I was a disgrace to my family and that I would be kicked out unless I could change my “sinful” ways. I remember he even tried to guard me from the world, not allowing me to go out and over controlling my activities. Which takes us to the next section.

Denial of the true self

After Mei was publicly shamed by her mother for her teenage desires and fantasies she self-criticises and goes hard on herself in an attempt to please her mother and not disappoint her which causes her red panda to appear the next day and she tries to hide it. When her mother finds out about it, she tells her that the Panda is dangerous and she would never have a normal life with it but that there was a cure through a magical ritual to seal the panda forever. Mei then goes on with her life, hating her panda and trying to hide it from the world.

After my father basically disowned me he tried to make a deal with me. I would go to therapy with the pastor from our church and try to change into a “normal person” in order to keep living with him. I didn’t know better at the time so I did the same as Mei and tried to repress my own panda, my homosexuality. During at least three years I hated myself for being gay and the “therapy”only made it worse. I tried to distract from it by joining different clubs in college which ultimately made me sick and worsened my emotional situation. Through the whole therapy sessions I was told that I was living in sin, I had to change and all the usual stuff you are told in conservative churches. In the last session, I had my magic ritual. The pastor would pray and make me verbally renounce to my sinful ways, kick out the “homosexual demon” and try to live in accordance to God’s ancient law. I walked out sad,confused and still hating myself. The following 7 years I entered a deep depression involving self-harm and kinda never looked for professional help or discontinued it due to my awful experience in the “therapy”.

Accepting and embracing the Red Panda

Over the course of the film, Mei discovers that her Panda is well received among her peers. They basically love her panda form so she takes full advantage of it and learns to accept it as a part of herself. However, the day of her ritual comes and in the process she confirms it, she doesn’t want to renounce it, instead she will embrace it as a part of her. Then the whole climax of the movie goes on until the final battle.

For a time I repressed myself and whenever I felt attraction to another man; I resorted to self hate and many times to self harms, many scars still visible to this day. Eventually in 2016 I decided to try another relationship with a man this time taking some precautions and being more weary about it. We lasted for a year and a half in which I cannot deny I was very happy. During that time, my panda became more visible to others: my friends, my sister and new people I met. They love it! Here the whole process of accepting my panda as a part of myself started. I met new people who were also part of the LGBT community and they gave me so much acceptance and love and most importantly made me feel safe. They taught me about embracing and accepting this part of myself. Eventually we broke up with this guy. I was so dependent on him so it led to many toxic interactions, clinginess, refusing to move on and deep depression once again.

The 2020 COVID-19 pandemic came, and finally I was able to give myself some time to heal and move on with my life. During this year I fully grasped the concept of accepting my panda as a part of me and to live with it to the fullest being true to myself. I was finally able to heal from all this trauma and bad experiences with my panda.

Unlike Mei, whose problems were solved overnight, I am still working on it, looking to be better every day. My relationship with my father has never fully recovered from that and he kinda wants to think I was “cured” even if the evidence shows otherwise. I am happier with myself and learned to embrace that part of me. I even gave myself the chance to love again and have been dating a guy for over one and a half years now. We have grown together, each of us contributing to the healing of each other, creating safe spaces and it’s wonderful.

As I said before, I’m still a work in progress but definitely better, and I love how this movie Turning Red resonated with me on this level. Thank you Domee Shi and her team at Pixar for this amazing story and for making these characters' growing pains so relatable in different ways.

If you haven’t seen this movie yet, I highly recommend it.

[monsoonblooms12]

The Butterfly Effect (Ethan Ramsey x f!MC)

Summary: The Journey from where it all began to where they are now. From a 2-minute power nap to a Miami kiss, Pooja and Ethan have come a long way. From Pooja's POV (Set in OH Bk 1 Ch 10 and contains flashbacks from OH Bk 1 Ch 1, Ch 4 and Ch 5)❤

The Butterfly Effect: Discovered by Edward Lorenz, this theory suggests that something small and insignificant, can alter situations in such a way that leads to utterly drastic changes. For example, a butterfly flaps its wings at an Amazonian Jungle and subsequently a storm ravages half of Europe. (This has to be one of my favorite theories ever🦋)

A/N: I got inspired from a dark Academia quote and here we are with 2.4K of mess. But I enjoyed providing all the fbs from Poo's POV and filling in the gaps of the unknown. And all the DbC peeps, I am trying to finish ch 8 believe me😭

Thank you so much to @jamespotterthefirst for Pre-reading! Love you🧡

If you enjoyed the story, please like it, leave a comment or reblog. Your feedback keeps me going🦋

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey X f!MC (Pooja Sharma)

Word Count: around 2.4K

Rating: General

Category: A messy mix of Fluff and Angst

Warnings: None that I found

A grain of sand, almost imperceptible to the human eye, 2 millimetres in diameter. Just a tiny little grain of sand, a single one. One would wonder how great of an effect that could produce?

A single grain of sand, eliminated from the base of a sand sculpture, can set on fire a cascade of events that result in something as drastic as the demolition of the entire sculpture. Just a trifling 2 mm sized grain of sand.

Tufts of hair gently swayed with the swooshing ocean breeze, the very grains of sand of which her mind was thinking about slip through gaps of her toes. It's a calming atmosphere, having a Zen-like effect on her racing heart and confused reasoning.

The echoing crash of ocean tides, the hushed ruffle of her shimmering purple dress, and the pattern of her footsteps of the white sand, now silver under the enchanting moonbeams.

She could not think about bad ideas and good ideas anymore. Nor could she obliterate the delicate touch of peach lips ingrained in her mind. Everything was a lock of tangled hair, a chaotic mess in her mind.

And when you can't disentangle a mess, you just tear it off.

That was what she was doing, tearing herself away before her mind got engulfed by a cocoon of ambiguity and concealed probabilities, restricting her to get out without getting transformed into someone else.

Legs exhausted after strolling for who knows how long, Pooja sits down, not bothering about the sheet of sand fragments that adhered begrudgingly to the purple satin.

A simple motion ensues, the florid hair tie holding her brown hair strands in a ponytail, now lay in her hand, giving them the liberty to enjoy the tranquillity of the idyllic scene they found themselves in.

Relaxation. That was what she anticipated. The soothing of her racing heart, the clearing of her muddled head, the easing of her bothering thoughts.

But it never came, the relaxation she desired.

Instead, her fingers, for a reason mysterious even to her, fidgeted the diamond imitation bracelet that embellished her left wrist. A twitch unveiled a vague scar, a remembrance of an old episode entirely cleared off from her mind.

Flashback

Pooja was a Potterhead. An extreme one indeed. Sometimes the thought made her chuckle. How she despised the books once, presuming they were overrated. And then, as if a magic trick had been performed on her, she became the Maven of the Harry Potter club.

But being a Potterhead and having to live in a niche under the stairs did not go hand in hand. The room under a staircase was still a room under a staircase. And every day, her mind replayed the poem of curses to her, as if to warn her to never search for an apartment on a Facebook Group ever again.

And now she stood, waiting for the century-old toaster's ping, as sleep struck like pin-pricks on her eyelids, threatening to close them off. It was a bad day today, the phone battery drained, and she, coffee drained. And the cherry on the top? Today was the first day of her residence at the most prestigious hospital in the entire States.

Uff!

She yawned the hundredth time, sleep playing a tiring game of chess with her mind, and giving it a Check! every now and then.

I don't even know a goddamn coffee shop around in here!

Displeased grunts accompanied the thought as she took the knife and began slicing the apple she had been floundering around for quite some time.

One Slice, and Another, and Ano-

Snorr!

What an ability it was to fall asleep anywhere, in any position! What harm would a "Power Nap" of a minute or two do? Right?

AAHHH!

The scream came out in bits, first when her eyes fluttered open with the sudden pain. A pause followed when she actually looked at the source of it and after her eyes and mind registered what was happening, came the second scream.

She was getting the taste of just how profitable the power nap was.

Hurrying away, she rummaged around for a first aid box, failed to find it, trotted to her Harry Potter adobe and took out the medical goodies she had brought with her. After ransacking through it, she found the antiseptic and the swabs she was looking for. Then a faint sound came from the blinking cellular and she picked it up, not waiting for breakfast. Just as she clicked the unlock button...

HOLY SHIT!

What? How? Her mind could not register. The only thing she understood was that she was notoriously late for her first day, and now she would have to do all the running that she had avoided for all the preceding years.

Letting out another pained groan, she kicked two flowerpots on her way to the kitchen, took the toasted slices of bread, switched off the stupid piece of machinery and ran.

She was sure she would have come first in any marathon if she had run in them with the speed she was racing right now.————————————————————————

Did she know about Dolores Hudson? No, she didn't. Had she planned on telling about her to Dr Ramsey? No, she hadn't.

The two words had inadvertently slipped off her tongue, not envisioning it as an indication. But as soon as they reached his ears, it felt as if a domino had been pushed. One pushed on to the other, leading to a chain of events that had given no hints, no warnings at all.

And now she was in the NICU, chatting with the man whom she considered an idol, a role model as if they were old companions. It was an enchanting experience to see the intern-terrorizing gentleman, so ... normal.

She questioned her mind's choice of word, but she did not completely disagree. To see Dr Ramsey, sitting here with an intern, talking with her, for no particular purpose other than the fact that she decided to stay back here in contrast to any other person, who would have valued their sleep than watching over a premature baby with whom she had no connection.

When sleep muddled her thoughts, she didn't realize what she was doing. Head lowered into his shoulder in a motion that felt like a reflex embedded in the nerve cords of her spine. She missed the gentle smile, decorating the handsome face of his, as he watched her from the corner of his eye, his eyes holding an emotion unrecognizable.

Was it affection? Pride? Adoration? Or something completely different? Who knew.

But if there was something she did know after that day, it was that she felt lucky, damn lucky, for that slip of the tongue.————————————————————————

How idiotic of her the decision was, she didn't want to talk about it.

Pooja had only found herself running the way she was running now on the first day of her residence, and she had only herself, and no one else to blame.

Why did she think that giving up on the most wanted position for every medicine intern in Edenbrook for friends when every one of them participated in it was a good idea?

If only her brain comprehended her priorities appropriately, she wouldn't have to rush through roads like a person who was missing their train.

Panting, grunting, and completely tensed, she arrives at Edenbrook. Steps don't slow down until she arrives before the light beige door, huffs and puffs, not pausing for a split second. She doubted if her legs still had the power to walk or if she would have to crawl into the office.

Nah, no more embarrassment, she would not be able to bear it. With the power that remained in overworked limbs, she knocked, entered and gave her reasons for the delay. And then, by a margin of a minute, she signed the sheet, absolutely normal but still holding the power to twist her entire life in an unforeseen way.

But did she regret it? She couldn't, and she wouldn't.————————————————————————

Miami. The city of gorgeous beaches, giving the aesthetic of peach and teal life. The expensive marble-floored hotel rooms in which she found herself was unreal. Definitely not made for some random intern.

Gorgeous decorated interior, delicately manicured lawns, elegantly made fountains, all standing majestically, giving a fight to each other. She glided through the vast space, joy overcoming job as she breathed the calming salty air coming from the oceanfront, which appeared like a picture frame in front of her. She had never seen anything so perfect in her life.

It was like Ataraxia.

She preferred Mountains over Beaches. She always had, and without a doubt, she always will. But when something looks so heavenly, it would be absolute stupidity to forego the chance of visiting it, even if it contrasted her preferences.

Forgetting the not-so-pleasant interaction with Declan Nash, which appeared like a stone in her perfect day, she let her sensations delve into the delicious culinary masterpieces that melted in her mouth like wax.

All the merrymaking and socializing drained her. But the gentle talks, soft giggles that she shared with him, an extraordinary, priceless moment, seemed to charge her, rejuvenate her. A corner of her heart did hope for something to happen. But she hushed it, not wanting to spoil the casualness, the beauty of the simplicity that blew in the air between them.

It felt like existing in the setting of one of those Michael Faudet quotes, one of them particularly being emphasized by her mind.

"As our eyes meet, all-time seizes to exist. The dying second frozen like petals of red roses kissed by autumn frost."

Pooja's mind still reeled, falling freely into the void as passion and some unnamed emotion overtook them. His heart steady under the touch of her palm and hers racing under the touch of his. She would not be able to remove the unreal image from her idiot of a heart, even if she wanted to.

Sleep refused to come to her, even after calling it repeatedly. She sat up, relieving the memory, playing in front of her like a sepia movie on the silver screen. Eyes travelling around, only to fall on a bouquet kept neatly at one of the antique corner tables.

It was white lilies and purple orchids.

Pooja Sharma didn't know the language of flowers when she received them, with a tag casually signed as E. A vague tag like that did not help to know the actual sender. The man whom she kissed had a name beginning with E, the hotel she was staying in had a name beginning with E.

Hell, even the hospital she worked in had a name with the letter E.

But if she had known the language of flowers, she would have pinpointed the symbolism hidden in it.

The White Lily carrying the meaning of Purity, Sweetness while Purple Orchids a clear cut indicator of admiration and elegance.

She would have been able to tell which E had sent the delicately wrapped piece that now lay uncared for in the corner of her room.

Feelings overcrowded reason, and she found herself suffocated in the very room that seemed heavenly to her in the morning.

Slowly and silently, she walked away to find the solace which he or she could not give her, in nature.

Flashback ends

As the amaranthine ocean glistens, waves crash and the foamy water rushes to engulf her feet as she stood, hands wrapped around herself, she felt she had truly found solace. There was a spiral, an unending coil of memories, a string which, when pulled, tugged in emotions hidden in darkest corners, forgotten but related, all tied together.

It was surprising, enigmatic, how much the little brain of hers, the soft heart of hers, holds in them. A constant battle of reason and emotions ravage the tired battlefields of her body. How casually, reminiscences of a bygone day appears, flicker like the reflection in the mirror of the calm pond water, but remain clear through the ripples that spread on the surface from time to time. That's how memories work, still clear, still dear, even after passing through chaotic ripples of time.

As she reaches the end of the spiral, the helix of her thoughts, she finds herself even more astonished than she was when she reverted to the first pages of the memoirs of her stay in Boston.

It was just a minute, or a word or two. Always so insignificant.

Every ignored act added one upon another and resulted in the catastrophic mess of heartbreak and affection she found herself today.

The 2-minute Power Nap of her first day? It led to the 2-degree shift of the knife and the scar that her finger was tracing now.

That 2-degree shift led to the delay in her reaching the hospital?

It resulted in her meeting her mentor, which gave her the chance to do the thoracotomy with him, to experience how it felt when his hand enveloped hers.

Those two words that slipped as a nonchalant thought off her tongue? It was why she could know how Ethan Ramsey was, behind the tough exteriors, the short-tempered demeanour, how it felt to place her head gently on his shoulder, to wake up to his glowing face.

And that one minute past midnight, when she signed up for the challenge that would change her life? That is why she is here, hair ruffling and eyes glistening, the Leucos Moon reflecting on the glistening water, the crepuscule spread mystically around her. That is why she knew how it felt to be touched by him, kissed by him, to get lost in him.

When Edward Lorenz discovered the butterfly event, he had correlated mathematics and meteorology. Had he thought that the same butterfly effect had turned an unassuming intern's life upside down, pushed her so back in the void of circumstances that it was impossible to come back?

Just a 2-degree shift of a knife, and now she was here in Miami. Just like the unassuming butterfly's flap of wing, which now ravaged a storm through her life.

Glassy droplets make a slow trail down the curve of her cheeks and drop on the scar as if trying to meet the origin which has brought her to the coordinates of the present.

And even though she did not know what would happen in the days to come, she was happy, truly happy, for that shift of her knife and for the 2 minutes of the power nap.

For the butterfly effect of love.

PS: Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have a great day ahead! Love, Manamee🧡.

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[adamwatchesmovies]

The Best of 2020

Better late, than never. I enjoy seeing other people’s top-10 lists and I said I’d do one for 2020, so here we go. I haven’t had the chance to watch EVERYTHING I wanted to, but you’ve got to pull the trigger at some point. When the Academy Awards took place on Sunday, I felt like I hadn’t seen ANYTHING nominated but I could remember dozens of times where I felt like I wasted my precious minutes with cinematic detritus. I assumed putting this list together would be easy. It wasn’t. I’ve got a lot of runner ups but for now, here are my Top 10 “Best” (by which I kind of mean my favorite) movies of 2020:

10. Never Rarely Sometimes Always

Never Rarely Sometimes Always gave me a lot to think about. On the surface, it's about a teenager who has to travel outside of her hometown to get an abortion, but it could've been any kind of procedure she's uncomfortable (or unable) asking her parents for. It's about the lengths she has to go to when her main source of support is cut off. You feel uneasy throughout, wondering what lengths the girls will have to resort through and whether something horrible is just around the corner. For this reason, I think many parents would find the film enriching.

9. Mank

I haven’t posted my review of Mank yet - just haven't had the time so consider my star rating for it "spoiled". If you don't know, it's about Herman J. Mankiewicz (Gary Oldman) and the time he wrote Citizen Kane for Orson Welles. I can’t call Citizen Kane one of my favorite films, but I do often think of it. The story, the characters, specific shots, the overall look, etc. Every time I revisit it in my memory, my appreciation for it grows and in a way, Mank helps complete my relationship with the film. For that reason, I foresee myself revisiting Mank in the future - probably as part of a double-bill. I’d love to see it enough times to memorize some of Gary Oldman’s best lines.

8. One Night in Miami

One Night in Miami addresses the present while being set in the past but something about it clicked with me more than Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom. It's essentially a series of long conversations, the kinds that force you to really examine tough questions and see these legendary figures as normal people. Unlike Mank, it isn't so much the individual lines that stand out, it's more the vibes you get from the exchanges. Out of all the movies on this list, it's probably got the best ensemble cast.

7. Sound of Metal

I'm sure you've seen that clip from Un Chien Andalou where an eye gets sliced with a razor? It gives me the willies just thinking about it because if I were blind I wouldn't be able to watch movies or draw. In Sound of Metal, we're dealing with a career cut short because of deafness but the dots are easy to connect.  I immediately connected with this movie, which made its ending feel like a punch in the gut.

6. Tenet

I keep telling myself that I won’t love a movie Christopher Nolan directs just because his name is attached to it. Hopefully, this doesn't make me a fanboy, despite my falling for pretty much everything he's released. I love how ambitious Tenet is. The plot is so complicated but then again it isn't because once you're able to grok the mechanics of its reverse-entropy technology, you'll probably figure out most of the plot's mysteries. For me, that was the fun part. It felt good to see my understanding of the story and theories confirmed. I'll be watching it again once groups can gather so my friends and I can discuss everything in detail.

5. Trial of the Chicago Seven

I know The Trial of the Chicago Seven fudges history in ways certain people would say is irredeemable but I never go into a film “based on true events” assuming liberties won’t be taken. At the end of the day, I care about being entertained. My enjoyment was also amplified by the fact that I didn't know what the verdicts would be - my American history is spotty, at best. It's got laughs, outrage, drama, and inspirational moments. Aside from romance, you've got pretty much all the bases covered.

4. Palm Springs

Out of all the pleasant surprises of 2020, Palm Springs was the biggest. I thought the Groundhog Day thing was played out and the 0-star-worthy Love Wedding Repeat did nothing to convince me otherwise. Then, this movie comes along and does everything you want in one of those movies, and then some. Not only did Palm Springs give me the romantic comedy I'd been craving for (feels like we haven't gotten a good one since "Crazy Rich Asians" it also examines what love and relationships mean through smartly written metaphors.

3. Possessor

No, I didn’t put this movie on the list just because it’s Canadian; Possessor is on this list because it’s the most unsettling movie of 2020. I mean that in a good way. I've already talked about how unsettling the premise is but it's also the execution. Those bizarre “dream” scenes with the different identities merging in unnatural ways is unforgettable. That mask of Tasya's face, half-melted is already creepy enough, when worn by Christopher Abbott as he re-enacts her memories is just so weird it makes you wonder if you’re actually seeing what you’re seeing, or if you’re going mad. Then, there's that shot with the fingers at the end! Makes me wince just thinking about it.

2. Soul

During the Oscars, I get a little mad at Pixar. They effortlessly churn out these masterpieces that mean no other studio has a chance of winning an Academy Award for the Best Animated Film category. It makes me wonder if the voters even bother to watch the competition but I don't think anyone could argue against Soul. It's among their best films. It’s gorgeous, profound, and modern without showcasing any issues that might flush your day down the toilet.

Runner-Ups:

Enola Holmes

I never believed Enola Holmes would end up on my "Best of the Year" list but this movie is a lot of fun. If you haven't seen it yet, you should. Just wanted to remind you.

Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) I was disappointed when audiences didn’t seem interested in Birds of Prey. Seeing Margot Robbie go all-out and given a script that actually makes good use of her character was lots of fun. I also found it refreshing to see a superhero movie (not really, but kind of) that didn’t involve a plot to destroy the world, upheaval all of civilization, or shoot a giant beam into the sky. I think this is one people will discover down the line and go “why didn’t I go see this in theaters when it was playing?”

Borat Subsequent Moviefilm I’m not 100% in love with Borat 2 but boy am I looking forward to showing it to people who have no idea what’s coming. That scene with Rudy Guliani might not have the same impact down the line as it did when I first saw this sequel, but that’s ok. It’ll still have you picking your jaw off the floor.

Nomadland It’s a great movie and I might’ve put it on my list of the best… but I just don’t see myself watching this one again anytime soon. Great movie though. It deserves every accolade you see directed towards it. Chloé Zhao is shaping up to be a major talent. While before I might’ve said “Eternals who?” Now, I’m excited.

The Vast of Night Until I saw Possessor, this was my favorite horror film of 2020. I love the way this movie does so much without showing anything. It’s all about letting your imagination do the work.

Hamilton I’m still unsure how I feel about the casting in Hamilton. Everyone does a terrific job. I understand why actors of color were chosen to portray the historical figures we meet during this story. It still doesn't sit 100% comfortable with me. Then again, who can argue with those results? I’ve seen the movie twice and the songs are still playing in my head.

1. Promising Young Woman

I only had so much before this post went up. Enough for one more movie. It was a tossup between The Father, Judas and the Black Messiah, and Promising Young Woman. As you can imagine, I’m pretty satisfied with the choice I made. Writer/director Emerald Fennell takes the rape-revenge genre and reshapes it into something that feels completely new. Like many of the other films on this list, it also feels relevant to what’s going on today. There are many reasons why I could’ve given it this slot. The writing, the performances, the way it puts your stomach in knots as you wonder what’s going to happen next, the pitch-perfect ending… but I’m going to pick a more personal reason. I try to look at films as snapshots of when they were made. There’s a part of me that winces when I look at Gone with the Wind but I’m also able to take a step back and say “but other than that…” and then just enjoy the movie. In Promising Young Woman, the past is confronted in a way that made me pause and think about two movies on my shelf: Wedding Crashers and American Pie. The Vince Vaughn/Owen Wilson comedy, in particular, has a lot of questionable bits of comedy, bits made even more eyebrow-raising by the fact that it isn't an "old" movie whose entire cast is now dead. Let’s just say that when a movie makes me go “This movie is replacing X”, makes me think this hard about things, and does everything else you want in a thriller… it’ll stick in your head for a long time. That's why I'm calling it the best/my favorite movie of the year.

[mollyphoria]

Moodboard #3

I was not able to make another moodboard since February because there's not much difference from what I was feeling from back then to now. It was pretty much all the same. Still wanting to get away and have freedom, yk same old shit but it wouldn't be a surprise that some things did change throughout this 5 mos like :

My lovely Calico cat Jimina gave birth to 5 kittens originally. She was pregnant at the start of this year and blessed the world with 5 cute mini jiminas on March 9 (same birthdate of BTS Suga)

3 of the kittens inherited her orange and white fur while the other one inherited the dark, striped fur completely devoid of any white fur. Only one kitten out of 5 got her triple color coated fur.

Sadly only 3 survived. Jimina hid the kittens briefly first and then abruptly one day she brought them up again already grown up, able to walk and with their eyes open but she only had 3 kittens with her. I never got to find out what ever happened with the other 2 babies with one of the missing of the kittens was the one that fully inherited the Calico cat status of Jimina which devastated me the most and I'm still heartbroken to this day that some of her babies didn't get to live like their siblings. I don't want to think that they died, I want to actually believe that they somehow survived without their mother miraculously but it's only the plausible reason why they never showed up at all 😞

The 3 surviving kittens tho is a lot of fun! They were rumbustious and full of energy. They were always playing and running around in my mom's garden. Climbing up a tree or an orchid branch, playing hide and seek through the plethora of plants. It was a treat to see them just having fun and I took lots of videos. I decided to name them after the BTS maknaes nicknames which is Kookie, Mochi and TaeTae. All 3 kittens have a very distinct personality from each other like you could immediately tell that Kookie is more introverted than the other two, his more reserved and prefers to be alone most of the time, TaeTae is more adventurous and playful but he doesn't trust that easily while Mochi on the other hand is the most extroverted and trusting out of all (FYI: I named them first without knowing their personalities believe it or not). Overall they brought so much life and extra joy in me. Now that they are 4 mos old, they don't play that much anymore, I guess it's really part of growing up regardless of what species. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Now onto my summer. I was dreading it's arrival. It's not fun when you don't have an AC at your house in the hottest season. But anyways this summer I've been having this strong desire to experience Italian summers. I just wanted to be in Italy soooooo bad. I just want to ride my bicycle anywhere in rural Italy in a summer floral dress and eating a delicious gelato after while listening to Love my way by the Psychedelic furs. Yes this strong desire got even stronger after watching the movie Call me by your name. It envoked so much nostalgia within me which is weird because I've never set foot in Italy before but the feeling of longing that I experience just thinking about spending your summer in Italy is very strong.

Additionally, speaking of bicycles I successfully finished my remodeling or rather repainting of an old bicycle we have here which is perfect for summer aesthetics. I mentioned before on my previous moodboard back in February that I was in the process of painting this bike and I included a picture of a bike that I would like my own bike to look like after I'm finish with it. And I'm very happy and satisfied with the end result overall! And I would love love to ride it around Italy!...... perhaps.

These are 3 of the most impactful things that had rocked my world within the past few months and they are in a form of a documentary, an animated podcast and an anime film!

1. Grey Gardens

I first discovered Grey Gardens when I was actively looking for any good documentary to watch so I went to Reddit recommendations and one user suggested grey gardens. Its description peaked my interest enough to go check it out and luckily the full documentary is uploaded in YouTube for free. And I must say I'm glad that I took the chance to watch this wonderful hidden gem!

Little Edie quickly got my full attention on her. She's one of the most wonderful and fascinating people to exist in our world and her mother big Edie was just as interesting of a character as well. The way they live their life, spending most of their time in a rundown mansion near a beach was truly a sight to behold in a weird, peculiar manner.

What gives me the most profound impact about this documentary is the topic of wasted youth with wasted potential and the ironic part when your very own lifeline equally imprisons you as well. And we see this most evidently with little Edie. There was a part in this doc that stuck with me the most and it's when the mother-daugther duo was sunbathing in the balcony and little Edie mentioned about wanting freedom from her mother and the grey gardens then big Edie answered:

"you can't have freedom when you're being supported"

And this has struck a chord on me so strong because I relate to it so much especially with my current situation. I also crave freedom from where I am right now but I couldn't because I'm not capable of freeing myself.

What's more tragic was little Edies rebuttal to her mother's hotknife realistic take which was you can't have freedom both ways. That you couldn't have freedom when you're not being supported as well. And it's very true. If you decide to go out in the world by yourself you will definitely be freed from the shackles of your former home & life but you will subject yourself to another imprisonment.

Basically We're never truly free in this life.

2. The Midnight Gospel

I think I've heard of TMG when it was about to launch on its release year and I remember i was anticipating for it to come out because i just took one look at the official poster & I knew I would like the animation then I learned Pendleton ward is a part of it & I'm a huge fan of his creations so it's a double treat but I didn't had the opportunity to watch it back then bcoz of my busy shitty life & I actually don't have Netflix. But I remember i downloaded one of its ost first things first.

Now fast forward to this year. I now have the time to watch every content out there that I missed from all the years of slaving my life away for absolutely nothing. one of those is TMG & it was a perfect timing. Ever since i took an hiatus from the rat race I decided to strengthen my spirituality & this time I want to try delving deep to Buddhism and certain philosophies which I don't have the time and energy to learn before and TMG was a great and perfect medium for me to learn further about this subjects as they tackle topics like mindfulness and meditation and much more other significant things, not to mention the superb,epic, psychedelical, full of awesomeness animation on top of equally superb awesome soundtracks is*chefs kiss ( I still have an LSS to the prisoner's song.. 🎵drinking blood from a stump of a prison guard that I just chopped up....🎶)

I felt like the universe intended for me to watch this later than sooner because if I had the opportunity to watch it back then, I think I wouldn't/couldn't appreciate this show as much as I do now. So thanks universe!

TMG is honestly one of the best show to ever grace the planet imho. An easily perfect 10/10 for me.

3. To the Forest of Firefly Lights

Now I've watched a lot of animes last and this year and I can tell in full confidence that this is the best of them all. I'm sure it's subjective but this one checked all the box for the most compelling story & amazing artwork for me.

Maybe I long for something similar with the characters, It was just so fascinating and huntingly beautiful to have someone or something (whatever your preference is) from a different realm to be by your side. Maybe I would also like to look forward for summer season to come for once, to get excited and get rejuvenated on a hot summer that otherwise would make my life hell. Or maybe and most definitely I just needed someone like Gin as a source of my utmost happiness and comfort.

Overall this anime had made me feel so much warmth in my heart with its unadulterated poignancy and I just couldn't get enough of it. What a masterpiece ✨

Ps: I recommend listening to Warning Sign by Coldplay after watching to the Forest of Firefly Lights 🌹Check it out ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

[altair-native]

My Top 10 Albums of 2020

Now that the longest and craziest year in history is finally over, I figured now would be a good time to reflect and look back at some positive things from 2020. Despite concerts and tours being cancelled, and many bands and artists postponing albums due to not being able to promote them, there was a lot of really fantastic music released this year. Here are some of my favorites!

Honorable Mention: Money Money 2020 Part II by The Network

Green Day members Billie Joe Armstrong, Mike Dirnt, and Tré Cool (plus some friends) brought back an old side project from 2003 this year called The Network. This album is a follow up to their debut album Money Money 2020, and was a huge surprise. I wasn’t sure where to put it on my top 10 list, but I still wanted to talk about it because it ended up being much better than the actual Green Day record we got this year. They experiment with lots of different sounds on this album, and while some of them are definitely meant to be satire, there are some seriously great songs on here that give me hope that future Green Day albums could be much better.

Favorite Song: Fentanyl

Now, on to the top 10:

#10 Last Room by waveform*

The first of many surprise additions to the list, Last Room is a really great album stocked full of songs that are all pretty short, but each stands out on its own. waveform* is really good at making songs that capture the listener’s attention. This is definitely a band that I want to hear more of, and I’m excited to dive deeper into their discography this year! 

Favorite Song: Miner’s Lullaby

   #9 Petals For Armor by Hayley Williams

After years of being in Paramore, Hayley Williams has finally released her first solo album! Paramore’s 2017 album After Laughter experimented with lots of different sounds, and was also a very personal record lyrically, so it’s no surprise that Hayley took a similar approach here. These songs are a way for her to open up about her life and branch out more and she succeeds on this record. Even if you’re not a fan of Paramore I highly recommend checking this one out.

Favorite Song: Why We Ever

   #8 Some Still Morning by Handsome Ghost

I’ve already talked a bit about this album (it was even my first review on this blog!) but I feel like the more I’ve listened to it, the more I’ve started to love the songs that first stuck out to me. I still feel like some of the songs sound a bit too similar, but when the duo branch out and try new things on this record, it’s some of their best work.

Favorite Song: Christmas In Jersey

   #7 Healer by Grouplove

Something that has always been true about Grouplove’s music is that it is insanely catchy, and this holds true with their newest record Healer. I’ve liked a lot of their music before, but for some reason this album connected with me on a way that their other music hasn’t. I feel like this album came out at the perfect time for me, because it has a lot of themes about growing up and dealing with the crazy world we live in. If you’ve never listened to Grouplove and want to check them out, I think that Healer is definitely a good starting place.

Favorite Song: Hail to the Queen

   #6 Folklore by Taylor Swift 

I’ve had a history of really disliking Taylor Swift’s music, especially her earlier albums. I guess for those it was due to overexposure, but with some of her more recent albums (especially 2013′s Red) I actually found there were certain songs I actually liked. Her albums as a whole, however, have always felt bogged down by their singles which often don’t sound like they fit with the rest of the album. When I heard she had announced an album coming out that night, I was very curious. After listening to it, Folklore fixed every issue I’ve had with her previous albums, and I love how she’s shifted her lyrics to focus on telling stories. I didn’t expect a Taylor Swift album to end up on my top 10 list for any year, but 2020 was definitely full of surprises!

Favorite Song: Seven

  #5 Possession by Joywave

I had discovered Joywave one day on YouTube by accident, and immediately wanted to hear more from them. Their songs are always so unique and creative, and after seeing them open up for Bastille in October 2019, I got really excited for their third album. They have incredible energy on stage, and that energy is reflected perfectly in their music, especially on this album. It was one of my most anticipated records of 2020, and it seriously lived up to the hype.

Favorite Song: Half Your Age

   #4 Figure by Into It. Over It

Yet another accidental discovery, Figure blew me away the first time I listened to it. I was immediately drawn in from the first track, and each song delivers something truly special. I had to listen to this album all the way through multiple times to really take it all in. I planned on doing a full review of it here, but felt I needed to look into the lyrics and the meanings behind the songs a little more to fully understand it. Now, Into It. Over It has been on repeat for a good chunk of the past couple months.  Evan Thomas Weiss is an incredible songwriter and really talented musician, and I seriously recommend checking out his music.

Favorite Song: Brushstrokes

   #3 Leave What’s Lost Behind by Colony House

Colony House are a band that I discovered a few years ago, and their first two albums quickly became favorites of mine.Their intriguing instrumentals along with Caleb Chapman’s powerful vocals make their music really fun to listen to, and like Joywave they put on a fantastic show even when they’re just the opening act. I had been looking forward to the follow up to 2017′s Only The Lonely, and this record definitely lived up to my expectations, even if I prefer the latter album a little more. There are definitely some incredible songs here, a few of which are among the best in Colony House’s discography.

Favorite Song: The Hope Inside

#2 Zeros by Declan McKenna

For whatever reason, I didn’t listen to this album when it first came out, but when I did eventually get around to listening to it I fell in love. Declan McKenna has always been a really great songwriter, but this album in particular shows just how talented the 22 year old singer is. Blending sounds from different eras of rock along with some more modern production, Zeros is an absolute masterpiece of an album.

Favorite Song: Twice Your Size

   #1 Dreamland by COIN

Even though Zeros got really close to taking the number one spot, my personal favorite of the year is still COIN’s third album Dreamland (not to be confused with the Glass Animals album of the same name also from 2020). COIN is a band that just keeps on getting better, and even after losing a member back in 2018, they’ve still managed to grow and improve their sound. Dreamland takes everything I’ve loved about COIN’s music and adds to it. If you haven’t listened to this album and are a fan of indie pop bands like Flor, Smallpools and Young the Giant, then you should definitely give this album a listen!

Favorite Song: Nobody’s Baby

   Thank you for checking out my list of my favorite albums from this past year! I’d love to know what you guys think and if we have any of the same albums on our list :)

[momentsofbllove]

A year of BL Love

I discovered BL for the first time this year, and boy what a year it was! I wanted to write up a quick and simple review of the shows that I watched just to finish off the year. So here goes! (Spoilers EVERYWHERE. So... be careful.)

Shows that I loved, will definitely rewatch in the future, and will skip very little of when I do:

The Untamed - beautiful story, beautiful production, all around worth every second of the 50 episodes. technically not a BL because of censorship, but still managed to portray the most beautiful love story I watched all year. Wang Yibo and Xiao Zhan deserve every second of the acclaim and praise they have received for this masterpiece! 10/10

Until We Meet Again - I love every couple in this series with all my heart! a lot of people felt it was slow but I honestly just thought it was a beautiful story full of love and heartache and friendship and just... uhg, everything. I will rewatch this one again and again and again. 10/10

Like In The Movies - this one was heartbreaking and hopeful and beautiful and tragic and sweet and just altogether perfect in every way. I need the sequel right now immediately please! 10/10

He’s Coming To Me - this one was so good?!! I don’t know how a show about a love story between a ghost that was murdered 20 years ago and a university student could be so perfect, but it was? the only thing that was a little iffy was the previous relationship between Met and Thun’s mom. this one is sweet and sad (Met is dead afterall) and has love and mystery and good side characters and friendships. yeah. just altogether great. 9/10

HIStory 3: Trapped - fascinating story (I want so many more BL’s that AREN’T set in high school/university please!) and great chemistry between both couples. the acting was fantastic and the storyline was compelling. I truly love this show except for the fact that we’re not getting that sequel they were hinting at and that makes me SAD because it makes the ending hurt so much even if it was a hopeful one. 9/10

HIStory 2: Crossing the Line - cute story, amazing actors, wonderful side characters, just all around great! the only reason it’s not getting a perfect score is because I feel very OLD when watching highschool storylines. it makes the intimate scenes... awkward. even if the actors are adults. 9/10

Where Your Eyes Linger - loved the storyline, loved the chemistry and dynamics of the couple, the ending was rushed and left me wanting so much more, but since it was one of the first Korean BL’s to ever be produced it was wonderful. 8/10

Cherry Magic - I love Adachi and Kurosawa with all my heart! this show was so good. so so good! the only reason I’m not giving it a higher rating is because Tsuge and Minato’s storyline gives me so much secondhand embarrassment ALL THE TIME! but they’re still so cute despite that, so it’s not horrible. Rokkaku and Fujisaki are SO CUTE and the perfect side characters. basically this show is perfect (except for the second hand embarrassment) and the fact that we never got a proper kiss. like... I don’t need skinship in every BL show I watch, but that last second cutaway in the end was just... frustrating. 8/10

Theory of Love - OffGun have my whole heart and are 80% of the reason I love this show so much. but also I really liked the story line and the way Third and Kai’s relationship progressed throughout the show. it had a perfect resolution for all the couples (including the teacher/student ‘couple’ which I usually HATE) and was definitely a stand out from all the multitude of ‘university’ shows out there. 8/10

3 Will Be Free - this was was so interesting and lovely and tragic and I loved every single second of it... up until the last ten minutes. I almost put it lower just because of the ending. we deserved a happy, loving bisexual polyship d*mn it! but I’ll definitely rewatch it again. and stop right before the end when I do. 8/10

Because of You 2020 - ridiculous nonsense that I will gladly watch again! really there is no justifying this one being in my top list because it is NONSENSE but it makes me happy and that’s all that matters. all three couples are adorable and the last scene makes me smile so much! 8/10

Shows that I liked and will probably watch again, but will be skipping a lot of parts when I do: 

My Engineer - this show should be in my top list. but I HATE BohnDuen so much. so so much. and they are the main couple. so because of them when I rewatch this show (which I have several times now) I have to skip 60% of it because I really really hate them. so much. but the other three couples make up for it - especially RamKing who GIVE ME LIFE - so it’s at the top of my ‘not the top’ list. 7/10

Mr. Heart - this one was cute, but I felt like the couple was very... lop-sided. Sang Ha was almost obsessed with Jin Won before they ever even properly met and that gave me a weird feeling. their relationship was cute by the end, but... idk. and the whole side story with Sang Ha and the debt collectors was... odd. I felt like it was a very serious storyline that they did not take seriously at all. very off-putting. but altogether the show was cute enough, and short enough, to deserve a rewatch. 6/10

Why R U - I just... did not like SaifahZon. like... at all. Zon’s character annoyed me, their dynamic was... off, and Zon’s sister makes me so mad I can’t watch her at all. I adore FighterTutor (they are one of my favorite couples which is why this show is still getting such a high rating) and I have rewatched their part of the show 3 times now. but the rest, including the THREE other side couples (seriously? 5 couples in one show? why? it’s too f*cking much!)... no. no thank you. 6/10

Roommates The Series - it was cute, and did very well on a VERY low budget and a very limited cast because they filmed during the pandemic (or after the worst of it was over in their country at least). the side female characters were great (a rarity in BL’s for sure!) and there was a few really great scenes that I loved. altogether a bit of a lackluster show compared to others, but definitely worth at least one watch. 6/10

Tharntype - I know how problematic this show is, alright? but it’s fictional, and sometimes people like things in their fictional stories that they HATE in real life... all the very serious consent issues for one. that being said, if I had been watching the show as it aired I probably would have given up on it by, like, episode 2. as it was I knew everything that happened before I ever started watching and that gave me the freedom to appreciate the storyline for what it would become at the end. I love MewGulf and the way they portrayed Tharn and Type. I thought Tar’s storyline was interesting and heartbreaking and he is a precious bean that I want to protect with all my heart. however, a big factor in this series not making it into my top list is the handling of Lhong and the ending of his story. you want me to feel sorry for that monster? are you kidding me?!! he should have been locked up in prison for the rest of his life, not had Tharn’s brother come APOLOGIZE to him as if he was the one who was wronged. if that hadn’t happened, despite all the problematic things in this show, I would probably have put this in my top list. 6/10

Wish You - this one had SO MUCH POTENTIEL. the storyline was unique, the ‘twist’ reveal was interesting, and the main characters had a lot of chemistry. and everything was RUSHED RUSHED RUSHED! this show needed at LEAST 5-6 more episodes. there was no time to develop the relationship between In Soo and Sang Yi, and I wanted them to so badly! there was no time to deal with the ‘twist’ and the fallout that happened from it. everything just happened and then you moved on, and then more things happened and you moved on. uhg. despite all that I’m putting this one a little higher because the actors, writing, and production value were very good. but gosh do I wish there was so much more of it. the wasted potential is painful. 6/10

The Effect - wow. this one was... not what I was expecting. be cautious of watching this because it could be VERY triggering. but the acting was PHENOMENAL! I think they took a very dark and serious subject and portrayed it with a lot of care. one of the best things about it was Shin’s friends reaction to his trauma and how carefully and kindly they helped him heal. beautiful to watch! the only reason this is not getting a higher rating is because that ending was INFURIATING! absolutely unforgivable for them to leave it so ambiguous like that. Shin deserved to have a clear and obvious happy ending. not... whatever the hell that was. 6/10

Love By Chance - AePete are precious and adorable and I love them. But Ae’s possessiveness in the later episodes really bothers me, the fact that Perth was 17 when they were filming really bothers me, and once AePete get together halfway through the show it’s like they just get dropped to focus on TinCan which is a couple I can’t stand even a little. and don’t even get me STARTED on Techno and Kengkla. just... just don’t. that whole ‘relationship’ is 85% of the reason I refuse to watch the sequel. altogether, I probably WON’T watch this one again, but I probably would at least have watched the AePete and TumTar (yes, I liked them leave me alone about it) storylines if Perth wasn’t so young, so I’m still giving it a 5/10

Together With Me - MaxTul are fire both on and off screen and I love them with all my heart, but I hated, like, 95% of the show that wasn’t strictly about them. teacher/student storyline? gross. couple with a huge age-gap that ends up being super toxic and emotionally destroying a sweet and lovely character? thanks, I HATE IT. yet another BL portraying the girlfriend as a conniving b*tch so that we’re okay with one half of the main couple being a cheater while they figure out their sexuality crisis? ew ew and more ew. honestly if it wasn’t for the fact that they had two fantastic side female characters (again, such a rarity in BL’s!) and the pure intense chemistry between KornKnock this show probably would have been put even lower. 5/10

Dark Blue Kiss - I can’t stand PeteKao? like... why do so many people love them so much? Pete is SO JEALOUS ALL THE TIME! I just want to smack him! and he’s also completely not understanding of Kao’s fear of coming out. he basically spent the entire show sabotaging his own relationship and then blaming it all on Kao! uhg. no. just no. but I love SunMork with all my heart and wanted them to have so much more development and screen time. it would have made the final scene with them so much better if they had just had TIME to really show their relationship and how it grew, instead of just getting them together and deciding that was good enough. I’ll watch their part again I’m sure, but only their part. 5/10

Shows that were very subpar - I may rewatch some of these for a specific couple but only if I’m really bored and feel like skipping 80% of the show:

#MyDay - I know there’s a lot of people that really like this one. but... oof. the writing was so bad. so so bad! the pacing of the show was weird, there were some major moments that needed a LOT more attention, and some minor moments that got way more screen time than they needed. things were just... awkward all the time when they weren’t meant to be. and again, we have a character that needed to go TO PRISON but ended up being forgiven in the end. just... no. I’m honestly only putting this show as high as I am because the chemistry between Ace and Sky was fantastic. but that wasn’t enough to save this trainwreck. I might watch the sequel for them. maybe. but also maybe not. 4/10

Quaranthings - this one had so much potential but was honestly just so subpar in the end. I really just don’t even have much to say about it. it’s worth watching, I guess. but put it at the bottom of your list, after you’ve watched all the better stuff. 4/10

YYY (and the 3 special eps) - look... weird shows are just not my thing. I love Lay and his portrayal of Punn, Nott was okay as the lead character, but the side characters and storylines were... bizarre. I get that it was supposed to be a parody of other BL’s and their tropes... but honestly I like tropes. and this show was just... too bizarre. especially the three special episodes. in fact... I’m just now remembering I never watched the 3rd one. oops. 4/10

En of Love - This was such a mix and match of good and bad. I didn’t like Tossara AT ALL. Gun pressured Bar into that relationship, including flat out blackmailing him with his necklace to force him to go out with him! they may have been happy in the end, but Bar was CLEARLY uncomfortable with Gun’s advances for most of the first three episodes and it really grossed me out. I kind of liked Mark and Vee together, but the issue with Mark’s girlfriend was frustrating and their whole relationship was just a little bit toxic. and I actually liked Neua and Pra-Ram... AFTER they let us know that Pra-Ram was a legal adult. I hated their relationship up until they had the birthday party because I thought Pra was 17. I’m still a little iffy about a very experienced third year student in university dating a very inexperienced high school student. but at least it wasn’t ILLEGAL. oof. 4/10

HIStory 1: Obsessed/Stay Away from Me/My Hero - My Hero and Stay Away From Me were cute enough although I’ll probably never rewatch them, but Obsessed was toxic and horrible and gross in all senses of the word. -4 for that one which puts the whole series at a 3/10

Tien Bromance - y’all this one is... I don’t even know how to describe it. weird. bizarre. confusing. badly written. strangely acted. (the acting wasn’t bad... it was just... strange.) I watched the special episodes first and thought it was just a cute little domestic family drama with some strange moments. then I watched the rest. and the fact that the first episode started off with a ghost possessing and killing like 8 people while they were on vacation at a lake was the least weird thing that happened. 3/10

Craving You - no. the storyline makes no sense. why are a popular cake baker and an upcoming musician partnering together? why? it doesn’t make any sense! And one of the lead actors is just SO BLAND. I think he was going for ‘quiet and sad’ but just ended up with ‘emotionless and boring’. the most compelling part of the show was the side character dealing with the unexplored feelings that he had for his first love that were denied to him by a homophobic family and how those feelings are now interfering with his current relationship. the rest was pointless and bland. 3/10

My Gear and Your Gown - I liked this one SO MUCH for the first 3-4 episodes. then is went downhill and FAST. Pai and Itt had no chemistry for the last 8 episodes. they spend the whole show angry at each other and then we’re just supposed to accept them getting together in the end because Itt confessed his feelings. like... that’s not enough! the best part of the show was PureFolk. Pure finally believing in love again because he met the ray of sunshine and sweetness that is Folk? yes please! but even their storyline was not fantastic because it got rushed and pushed aside in the end to focus on Pai and Itt breaking up AGAIN and having to deal with the issue of homophobic parents for all of one episode. the last episode was so pointless! there was no reason to shoehorn in that last little bit of drama. none. 3/10

Oxygen - uhg. I do not understand why so many people liked this one so much. Solo’s feelings for Gui were UNHEALTHY. he became obsessed with him over one tiny act of kindness! that’s... that’s not love. that is a broken young boy desperately seeking out love and forcing it onto someone because he doesn’t know what it’s supposed to be like. and the side story with the fujoshi barista and her brother and the doctors was creepy and weird. the only good part of this show was PhuKao but they got about 3 minutes of screen time per episode. I would watch a sequel with them in a heart beat, but leave everyone else out of it! 2/10

Shows I’m currently watching but haven’t finished airing yet so my rating may change:

Manner of Death - this show is EVERYTHING! the murder mystery, the suspense, the suspicion, the CHEMISTRY! I have no idea what’s going on or who I trust or don’t trust (except for Dr. Bunn and Sorn, they are precious rays of sunshine!) but I love every second of it. MaxTul are FIRE and I am so so happy to get to watch them in a story like this! 10/10

Ingredients - this show is EVERYTHING! and yes, I just said that about MoD, but this one is on the complete opposite side of the ‘everything’ spectrum and I love it with all my heart. Win and Tops are SO. FREAKING. CUTE! their pining for each other for eighteen d*mn episodes was so beautiful and sweet and infuriating! their love for each other as friends above all else is precious and perfect! and now that they’re actually together my heart just bursts every time I see them. I think the series only has 1 or 2 episodes left and I am DEVESTATED because I want 20 more! 10/10

TonhonChonlatee - I watched the first two episodes then stopped. I’ve been ‘watching’ the rest via people’s reactions to new episodes online. I get that Tonhon’s homophobia and toxic masculinity is supposed to be awful and is a major plot point in the show... but I don’t want to f*cking WATCH it! I’m hoping we’re getting to a point in the show where he’s calming the f*ck down and starting to learn better and BE better. I want to watch this show. but I can’t watch THAT. 3/10

Color Rush - this one has started off fantastically! the story is interesting and the characters are compelling already. but... I can tell you right now that it’s going to go the way of all the other Korean BL’s that came out this year. it’s not going to have enough time. AT ALL. it’s going to be rushed, I just know it. I applaud Korea for getting into BL’s in the first place and for giving us such interesting storylines and characters to watch, but these 10 minute, 8 episode shows are KILLING me with want of better development! 7/10

Well dang! That was... a lot! lol! Sorry for making such a long post, but BL’s have been such a huge part of my life this year I really just wanted to get my thoughts and feelings about everything out. I was originally going to make a part of the post be about my favorite (and not favorite) couples, but I’m going to end this here and put the couples in their own post.

My ask box is always open to discuss any and all shows on this list. You agree with my faves and want someone to talk to about them, hit me up! You disagree with my not-faves and want to tell me why... let me hear your opinion. You have suggestions for shows that I definitely should have watched by now but have somehow looked over... give them to me! I’ve got a whole new year to fill with beautiful couples and interesting stories!

[bbaronpiper]

Excess baggage

Hi guys! I dunno if it’s fluff or not but it’s supposed to be fluff. lol. 

2, 14, 19, 32, 43, 44, 92 (they don’t have to be all in one like you could divide them see which work together and write like more than 1 stories with any of theseee pls and thank you💞💞)

this is for 44. Twirling a strand of their hair - but I changed it to twirl a strand of his hair and 92. “Where’s your adventurous spirit?!”

 gif not mine. credits to the owner. :)

Arón x reader

You’re staring at your newly bought thong with tears streaming down your face contemplating whether to throw it away or not like what you’ve done with some of your clothes too.  You’re currently sitting on the floor of Italy’s airport due to excess baggage. You’ve tried plenty of times and threw away what felt like most of your things but still cannot get through. Until you’ve heard footsteps approaching. You looked up and saw a tall man wearing a hoodie with sunglasses on. He seemed familiar but you just didn’t know where you saw him. He took off his glasses once he reached you and spoke.

“Hola, I have an excess space on my baggage for your coat” he simply said. He looked so calm and reserved. “also, I’m not a thief nor a perv who’s trying to get in your pants. Just wanna help” he half smiled.

You wiped away your tears and thought about it for a minute before looking back down on your coat and throwing it on the trash bin beside you. You have trust issues, yes, but after all, you’re in a different country away from home, alone with a stranger hovering over you.

“Arón” he simply said again and extended his hand for you to shake. “C’mon your coat looks expensive” You had doubts but took it anyways. “Y/N… Bought it on a thrift shop for half the price though” you said and smiled a little. You then handed him some of your clothes including the thong you threw away earlier. You don’t often hand your underwear to random people but you’re just tired and desperate to go back home to Spain. Besides, he didn’t seem to mind when he grabbed it from you and put it inside his luggage with a straight face on.

Finally, you both got through and proceed to the boarding gate, you looked at each other while walking and smiled.

“Gracias”                  

“De nada” he returned a smile before looking away from you. This man is simply a man of few words you thought to yourself.

The flight back to Spain was quiet. You shared a simple conversation like where you’re from, what you do, names of your siblings and so on. Then you discovered why he looked so familiar. He was an actor but you didn’t treat him any different since he seems like a down to earth person. At some point you fell asleep on his shoulder and he just let you. He was awake the whole time though. After a few hours, he woke you up saying to get ready as you guys just landed on Spain.

While waiting for your baggage you asked him if he wanted to get some merienda (snack) with you as a thank you gesture in return for what he did for you in which he gladly said yes. You both ended up in a nearby restaurant which served beers as well. Being the alcoholic he is and the broken- hearted that you are, you both up ended up getting a bit drunk. He loosened up a bit now, He’s more talkative than when you met him few hours ago and he smiled more now showing the little gap on his front teeth which you find cute to be honest.

“I really liked your tattoo, says a lot about you” he said referring to the tattoos on each of your wrists. It was the creation of Adam tattoo. You really loved it too, being an art graduate, you looked at it as a masterpiece.

“How about you? do you have more besides the ones on your arms?”

“Yeah, here” he pointed on his collar bone.

“Can I see?” you innocently asked. You didn’t realized what you asked him to do until he smirked and lifted his shirt up until his neck revealing his sun and moon tattoo on his collar bone. Damn this boy, he should’ve moved his shirt on the side but no, he had to remove his shirt but you ain’t complaining though. You stared at it absent mindedly more than you should have, not to mention the stare you gave down his abs. You were snapped out of your eye fucking moment when he pulled down his shirt.

He cleared his throat and put a finger on his lips to stop himself from laughing at the sight of you.

“yep. It’s nice” tearing your gaze away from him embarrassed that he caught you staring.

“My abs orrr….?” He trailed off, teasing you completely laughing now.

“Damn you! the tattoo of course!” you said your face turning hot red now.  “My ex has better abs than you!” you mocked. Your asshole of an ex, yes. You never told Arón what happened nor why were you in Italy. He doesn’t care. you were strangers after all. But damn this alcohol, made you vulnerable and emotional. You ended up telling him every detail as to what happened and he just sat there with his straight face on and a blush on his cheeks from the alcohol he just drunk.

You went to Italy to go surprise your boyfriend of 8 years. You were so excited you even bought new lingerie. He moved there from Spain for work and you haven’t seen him in almost a year. When he broke the news to you saying his boss wanted him to extend 2 more years, that’s when you decided to go and visit him. Fuck. You even thought of moving in Italy for good. But the jokes on you, ‘cos he has a better surprise. You found out that he’s been with someone else already. He was cheating on you.

“I don’t love you anymore, you may go. that’s what he told me” You sniffed. “We’ve been together for eight years but he just ended us with eight fucking words too!” you were crying now while he just continued to stare and listen to you with a little to no emotion at all. “Don’t you think I deserve a second chance with him? ” you grabbed your glass of beer and chugged it all at once.

“He doesn’t love you anymore” he repeated to you. “what else is there to explain?” he shrugged.

“Yeah. But eight years? Just like that? don’t I deserve at least an explanation?” You fought back.

“If he did explain, would it change anything?” he questioned you looking a bit sad.  “Bottom line is, He. Doesn’t. love. You. Anymore.” He repeated and emphasized each word.

You looked at him, still crying. “Gilipollas! Are we close? Are we even friends?! Joder! You’re rude!” he was right but you can’t deny the fact that it went straight to your heart.

He burst out laughing and you laughed along with him. Damn this alcohol you are now both into a roller coaster ride of emotions. His concerned eyes were replaced with a happy one. He just got an idea to go to the beach. He told you that people trying to move on often go somewhere far away from home where nothing could remind them of their ex. You being a dumbass and drunk. You said yes ignoring the fact that you just met him. But somehow, being with him was a relief. Yeah, he made unsolicited comments about your life and looks at you with no emotion most of the time and probably thinks you’re stupid for crying over this goddamn ex of yours this whole time but he makes a good company. He’s a listener, a gentleman and hasn’t taken advantage of you despite your current state.

----

You woke up with the sun almost blinding you from the bus window. You closed the curtains and looked on your left side and saw Arón’s head on your shoulder. His curls are now growing back and it looked so soft you suddenly felt the urge to twirl a strand of his hair with your index finger. It is indeed soft. You kept on twirling it until he moved a little. He then completely lifted his head up from your shoulders and looked at you.

“Where are we, bonita?” he asked while rubbing his eye. You blushed a little hearing him say bonita

“Italy”

“Fuck, No!” he straighten up on his seat and looked around.

You laughed at him and hit him softly on his perfectly toned stomach you’ve been eyeing all night. “Can’t believe you fell for that, dumbass. We’re on our way to Marbella. This is your idea, remember?”

“Oh, si!” scratching the back of his head. “well, I may not look like it but I’m a bit gullible” he laughed playing along with you.

You turned your head in front of you and saw a movie playing, you watched it for a few seconds before your face fell. Arón noticed this of course.

“Ahora, que?” he asked.

“The movie playing reminded me of him. We watched it on our first date.” you weren’t going to cry. You were tired of that but the sadness was evident in your face.

“Everything really remind you of him, huh?” Arón stated. There it is again, his damn comments.

“I have an idea! Every time I’m gonna mention him, I’ll give you one euro!” you stated excitedly but he looked back at you with a raised eyebrow. “what? It worked for my best friend!”

“Yeah okay, but one euro? What are we? 10 year olds? Make it one thousand euro.” He smirked.

“Cabron! One thousand euro your face!” you spat back

“fine, five hundred?” he fought back

“10 euro!” you laughed

“Wooww! Ten?! four hundred?” he laughed while mocking you.

“fifty euro!! Take it or leave it!” you stick your tongue out at him

“one hundred euro! C’mon! with this, you wouldn’t even dare to say his name!”

“fine! Deal! One hundred!” you then shook his hand. He smiled brightly at you knowing he won.

“So what are you gonna do with the millions of money you’ll save from this? Why don’t you just buy yourself a man” Arón joked

“Ijo de puta!” you spat at him.

“Damn, you really cursed a lot for a girl!” he laughed again.

“Shut up! I’m not like that!” you knew he was joking so you just laughed along. “I’ll just donate it to a charity. You know, the one where they support women, who were hurt and abused by their fucking exes, like my fucking ex! specially my fucking ex! Fuck my ex I hope he get what he deserved. That fucking assho—” you cut yourself as you saw Arón’s smile appearing on his lips and giving you the look. You both smiled and he then held his palm at you. you slapped it away.

“Arón! We’re not on yet!” you said laughing your ass off

“No, we had a deal already!” he smiled happily at you when he heard you mumble a curse and get your wallet and hand him the money. “Yes, I’ll be rich!” he mumbled.

---

After an eternity, you finally arrived in Marbella. You stretched your arms and body as soon as you got off the bus. Arón did the same while walking around the bus to get your baggage.

“Arón, thank you for this” you looked up at him and noticed how his hair is a bit shuffled, his plump lips and his brown colored eyes that shines through the sunlight.

“What do you mean by thanks for this? It’s not for free you know?” he looked back at you and hand you your baggage. You smiled at how you two became closer with just almost a day together. You’re just happy to be with him you start to feel like you knew him your whole life. The awkwardness was now gone.

“Sure! But just not my body! It’s expensive, you can’t afford it!” you played along.

“Damn! Too bad” he mumbled. Obviously, that was a joke right? But just to be sure so you looked at him with raised eyebrow and crossed arms. “god, I’m just kidding Y/N!” he winked and raise his hands up in defense.

The path from the parking lot to the hotel was a challenge, the wheels of your suitcases kept on sinking onto the sand. Take note, you have 2 suitcases and 1 shoulder bag. Arón, being the gentleman he is, offered some help but you insist that you can manage on your own. Damn this boy who decided to tease you again.  He walked up in front of you and lifted his baggage with one hand.

“it’s heavy, no?” he was smiling like an idiot.

“yeah, it is but I can manage” you lifted both of your baggage with each arm as Arón walks further away from you.

“you can, but you’re slooooow” Arón teased more.

“but I can” you spat back. He then walked further away until he disappeared on your sight. After 10 mins of struggling, you finally reached the hotel’s entrance. you then rolled your suitcases until the front desk, wiping away the sweat on your forehead and took a deep breath. Arón was on the side with his right foot over his left and his elbow leaning on the handle of his suitcase. Of course, he still has that goofy smile on his face watching your every action. He hands you a bottle of water. You smiled and blush on how thoughtful he is.

“oh, you made it!” he said while looking on the watch in his wrist.

“I managed! slowly but surely” you winked at him. At some point you thought that you both aren’t talking about the suitcases at all. You know that the whole interaction has a hidden meaning to it. you were both referring to your process of moving on. It’s too heavy for your heart but you can manage as time goes on. Slowly but surely.

You are now settled on your room. You trust Arón enough to stay in a room with him but of course you got the room with two beds. Not that you didn’t want to sleep beside him but it’s the right choice. You sat on your bed while cracking your neck and massaging your shoulders. You heard Arón laugh from across the room.

“you brat! That’s what you get for being so stubborn!” this man loves to make fun of you didn’t he. “let’s go get a massage!” he walked towards you in one swift and grabbed your hand. It happened all so fast you didn’t get the chance to protest. Not that you will. You mean, the feeling of his hand on yours is magical. You felt butterflies on your stomach as well. The feeling you haven’t felt in a while. You walked towards the spa with him in front of you absent mindedly. All you did was to look at your fingers intertwined with his.

“two full body massage please” Arón said to the woman on the front desk.

“couple’s room, sir?” the girl asked staring at Arón. She definitely recognized him, she was biting her lips and eye fucking the man in front of her.

“nahh. We’re not a couple” you smiled at her. “I don’t want him to peek at me naked!” you nugged Arón on the side.

“Wow, Y/N! me?” he pointed on his chest. “you were the one staring at my abs, remember when I showed you my tattoo?!” he nugged you back.

“You wish! I was looking at your collar bone!” you said suppressing a laugh

“my tattoo is here!” he pointed on his collar bone. “you were looking down here!” he then pointed on his abs. winking at you.

“First of all, asshole, you don’t have abs! you’re stomach is bloated!” you laughed loudly. The lady on the front desk started to laugh too. “C’mon, Arón, show her your non-existing abs” you said referring to the lady in front of you.

Arón then smile shyly, he refused to show it but you urged him. “Do it!” laughing more than ever. He protested but lifted up his shirt so fast and pulled it down right away. Showing just a glimpse of his stomach. “There! Happy?!” he was blushing and smiling happily. He looked so cute, his dimples are showing.

---

You must’ve fallen asleep through out the whole massage session as you felt someone poke on your cheeks. You opened you eyes to see Arón’s face close to yours.

“Morning bonita, get up! I have something to show you”

You put on your clothes and got out of the room. Only for Arón to take your hands on his again and drag you out to the beach. When you said drag, you meant like literally drag. He was walking so fast you almost stumble.

“Y/N! take huge steps! C’mon the sun is setting!” he said excitedly. The fuck is wrong with this man? “This is the best I can do, bruh!” he laughed and looked back at you. you were surprised when he stopped walking and bent down a little only to scoop you up on his arms. “Aróoonnn! Put me down!!” you giggled but wrapped your arms around him afraid you’ll physically fall. Not that you aren’t falling for him emotionally though.  He almost ran across the beach with you on his arms, he stopped when he reached a huge rock. He put you down, the smile you had on your lips slowly faded away as soon as the feeling of his skin against yours disappeared.

To cut the story short, he wanted to climb that huge rock. You just looked at him in disbelief.

“You’re fucking crazy, dude!”

“Where’s your adventurous spirit, Y/N!” he challenged you.

After multiple exchange of curses and a lot of convincing, you both decided to do it. you mean, how can you say no to this gorgeous man. If you’re gonna fall and hit your head on the rock and bleed to death then at least you got to do it with Arón. You would thank him even. besides, he promised not to let that happen. And he sure did, as you were now on the top of the huge rock.

The view of the sun setting across the horizon and the sound of the waves crashing against the rock made it all worth it. you closed your eyes as you felt the wind blow softly against your skin, enjoying the moment. You felt Arón hugged you from behind. He placed a kiss on your shoulder before placing his chin on it.  you held his arms and smiled

“Let it all out, bonita” he said softly close to your ears. That’s when it starts to hit you. The heaviness on your chest starts to resurface. You felt your tears form on your eyes again. You tried to stop it by keeping your eyes tightly closed but somehow it still escaped from your eyes. “It’s okay Y/N, scream, cry, let it out, it’ll make you feel better” his voice was so soothing. You did what you were told. You screamed it all out. You screamed all the pain you had inside you, all the disappointment, all the crushed plans you had with your ex, everything. You felt your body trembles from all the screaming and crying but Arón held you tightly keeping you from collapsing.

You were breathing heavily now, you turned around to face Arón and hugged him tightly as you cried on his chest. He returned the hug and rubbed your back to soothe you while whispering things like “sshh it’s okay Y’N” “You’ll get through this” “I’m here Y/N” and it did calm you. You pulled your head back and looked in his eyes as he stared back down at you.

“Gracias, this means a lot to me Arón.” You half smiled at him. He wiped away the tears streaming down your cheeks with both of his hands and holding it after. “No lo menciones, it’s my pleasure” he reassured you. He held you close, nudging you a little. You’re still crying but you managed to give him a small laugh. Letting him know it really helped you emotionally. You felt your emotional baggage became lighter. You knew it was too soon, but the butterflies on your stomach doesn’t wanna leave you alone. You felt yourself falling for this man, you mean, who wouldn’t. right?  

You pulled away from each other but decided to stay a while longer. You sat beside each other closely as the sun completely set right in front of your eyes.

“How do you forget someone?” you asked breaking the silence still looking at the sky

“Que?” he cleared his throat. “Umm, I don’t know. For me, I just woke up and she’s gone. I forgot all about her.” Arón said his eyes focused straight ahead.

“How long did it take you?”

He shrugged. “I dunno, A long time. I guess”

“6 months? 1 year? 2 years..3…4…5 ..?” you trailed off

“Does it matter? What’s important is that I forgot” he simply said “in your case, it might take 10 years” he bit his lips trying not to laugh

“Noooo!! Take it back, Arón!” you laughed nudging him with your shoulders. “I don’t think soo..” you added

“I dunno. All I know is that it all depends on you” he pursed his lips into a thin line before speaking again. “you can drink every night to forget. You can cry your heart out, you can go on dates with random people. It’s really up to you.” he paused “orrr you can find a new love” he smiled.

You snapped your head towards him and he did too. “you know as my man, F. Scott Fitzgerald once said” he smiled, his eyes glistening as the moonlight shines across it. 

“There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice”

You both stared at each other for a while before you snapped and put your head on his shoulder, he then wrapped his arms around you. It was silent, no one dared to say a single word but it was good kind of silence. The one you wouldn’t trade for anything else.

----

That’s it guys, sorry it’s a bit longer than I usually write. also, it’s inspired (changed some parts and dialogue) by a Filipino movie called “that thing called tadhana” tadhana means fate in english. lol. it’s on netflix. you should watch it! it’s so much better than what I wrote. 

[iwannaholdyoutight-]

SUNLIGHT

Summary: Welcome to Mattina ed Estasi, an art gallery dedicated to show the art of seduction. This story is dedicated to the discover of true sex.

A/n: each day has a painting, please click on the link, likes and reblogged are love and if you come talk to me about it: I’ll love you forever. Please read end notes, it’s important

Find my masterlist HERE

Find the Pinterest page for this fic HERE

Somewhere in Italy, 1978…..

Day 1: Mattina ed Estasi https://www.saatchiart.com/art/Painting-Extasy/300907/4211239/view

Lavignia was going to have a syncope. She was sure of it. It was hot, hotter than any other summer she has ever lived in her 25 years of life upon this earth. Her pink loose dress was sticking like glue because of the heat and she was late for her first day at the new job.

Fucking amazing, right?

The bus was late and then she got lost because she should have turned right but she took a left and her Italian isn’t amazing enough to understand what the old lady was trying to explain her, she was speaking too fast and Lav was far too nervous to concentrate. 

But finally she saw the brick walls built in an elegant way. She saw the big stained glass with the mermaid. She had finally found Mattina ed Estasi, or “morning and ecstasy” in English. This is going to be her new job - new home- for at least the next 18 months (that was what the contract said, at least). 

Having graduated just a year ago from the University of Coimbrã with a major in arts and communication, Lavignia found herself without a job and without the possibility of asking for her folks to help since they didn’t want her to go to college at all (she had one job and that was to marry well…. and that’s clearly not what she did). 

But a friend of a friend told her one night about this gallery in Italy that needed someone to work there. This person had to speak English, to communicate with all of the tourist and had to know a lot about art. 

Thank god she knew both. 

Packing her bags, she dished her job at the bar and went to Italy on the morning train all the way from France. With all of her articles about art and the hope of a brand new start. 

Taking a deep breath she walked through the doors, coming face to face with a tall red head: “you must be Vanessa! Mrs. Lovelace told me you would be here. 

She was nervous, feeling short when standing side by side with this gorgeous woman. Her hair all messy from the wind and heat. But Vanessa, with a freckled face and very blue eyes, opened a smile and refused her hand shake, going for a hug. 

“Hello, Lavignia. Yes, Mrs. Lovelace has told me all about you, she seemed excited, she loved your article about the art movements as protest  against the military coups in Latin-America.” 

“I’m glad. And please, call me Lav” 

“Of course. Ready to begin our training?”

They started to walk around the gallery. An intimate space with golden artificial lights, a crew of men was working with all of the artwork for the new exposition: “Love and Sex”. 

“What do you know about our new work? I just need to know everything you were told so I can help you with the rest” 

“Well, I received a lot of books to study the theme on the last few days. Love and Sex is all about the the raw emotions of the human body, showing how much they are alike but also not so different. One complements the other but at the same time you can have sex without feeling in  love, and you can fall in love and not have sex.” She could feel the embarrassment from talking so much about this subject with someone she barely knows but since it was about art becomes more acceptable. 

“Yes. You are very correct. We are getting pieces from the renaissance era till the new paining by erotic artist Joan Semmel, our biggest conquest of this is actually her painting “Sunlight”, but Harry still has to bring that one”

“Nice. But who is Harry?” 

“Oh, didn’t Mrs. Lovelace told you about the owners of the shop?” 

Lavignia shook her head in a negative but said “only that she was one of them.”

“We have three owners. The first one is Jeannie Lovelace”  the one who interviewed Lavignia just 5 days before. She was around her late sixties, beautiful long silver hair and blue eyes. Very elegant lady always using nice bell pants and white shirts. “Well, first, never call her Mrs. Lovelace to her face, she doesn’t like being treated like she is elite, even if she is. Some people say that on her younger days she had an affair with Duke Elligton, can you imagine?” 

They laughed together, this beautiful old lady must have so much to tell if given the opportunity . 

“Anyway, she was the founding mother of this beautiful gallery. She never got married so her true love is art. She founded this gallery back in 1961 with the money she inherited from her father company back in the U.S”. 

“Nice. There is two others right?” She said while pointing to a board with the story of the gallery “This Harry you just told me about and Jesse right?” 

“Yes. Let me start with the worse: Jesse Fire. Firstly, I’m pretty sure that’s not his real name. He’s this elite lawyer and a jackass with everyone he doesn’t find worthy of his time. He only puts money on this gallery because it’s a good investment and makes him have a “intelectual image” for the tabloids. Don’t worry too much about him but if he ever appears just try to not talk to him, and you’ll be fine. He is on holiday and won’t return for another three months. And he lives in Rome, so even when he’s in the country he comes here only for big openings and our parties. We are all safe.” 

She opened a huge smile 

“Now, let’s talk about the last one: Harry. Do you happen to know H.E Styles?” 

“You mean the erotic poet and composer? The one people are always talking about his sexual escapades and charming ways” 

“That one. Well… that’s Harry. I mean, we all know Harry made his money with art and he likes to spend his money with more art. Shocking, right? He has the biggest collection of sensual masterpieces. From paintings to sculptures and even vintage sex toys: he has it all. Actually this exhibition was his idea. The main pieces will have a poem by him attached to it.” 

“And how many pieces are we hoping for?”

“Around 10. He’s going to write new poems for the main events, inspired by a few of the art pieces and will release a book at the end of everything. And that’s the reason why we still don’t have the painting by Semmel. He is struggling with that one and took home last Friday and promised to bring here today. 

“And it’s not here today” said a raspy slow voice from the back door. He was using a blue chiffon shirt almost completely  unbuttoned with a pair of high waisted white jeans and a glittery boot, with heels that gave him at least 3 inches more. “I am so glad to see my favorite red hair today. It was a tuff weekend” 

He got closer and she could finally see his face: green eyes, beautiful wavy brown hair and a nice crooked smile with dimples just to make it more adorable. And he had a mustache. Lav absolutely hates mustaches, but if it’s this handsome fellow that has one…. she wouldn’t complain. 

“What happened? Couldn’t find inspiration again?” Vanessa said while touching his arm. Of course a guy that hot would go for a girl like Nessa. They looked like a power couple together. 

“First I thought I could get inspiration if I could just stare at the painting. But it didn’t work so I called Daniel and Melissa, maybe with a fun three way party I could feel inspired, wrong. Then yesterday, I thought “maybe I need to see the world with different eyes” so I popped a few acid tablets… didn’t work. So now I’m here, on a Monday morning, asking you PLEASE let me have the painting for a few more days” 

It was too much information for Lav to take, in three days he had done more than she has done her whole life. That made her feel quite uneasy. 

“That depends, Styles… will you borrow your beach house for the summer so I can have my honeymoon with Cathy there?” 

Oh, she has a fiancée, thought Lavignia, how silly could she be, thinking they were a couple. 

“I was already going to offer you this and you know it. But of course, my Calihouse is yours for the time you want it for your honeymoon” he finally locked eyes with the brunette who was feeling like an outsider listening to private conversation: “and who is this Dove? Is she the new curator you and Lovelace were talking about?” 

“Yes, Lavignia this is Harry. Harry this is Lavignia” 

 She gave him an awkward smile. 

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Styles”

She raised her hand to shook his that was already reaching out for her. But, instead of a shake, he took her hand and before giving a kiss he whispered to her hand “please, call me Harry.” He kissed her hand and let her hand go, using the tips of his fingers to caress her arm on the way down from its previous position. 

“She is actually going to create the sequence for the pieces and the artistic and historical explanation of the pieces from the the exhibition”. 

“I thought I was going to write this” 

“Yeah but she has the technical knowledge. So you are going to look at the art, find a meaning behind and she is going to write the explanation for the techniques and whatsoever and to the presentationwould be interesting if you guys worked together” 

That’s when it hit Lavignia: they had 6 days till the opening and absolutely zero idea of what they were going to produce. 

“Wait….. we have six days to plan this whole thing?”  

Harry laughed. 

“Yes, we have done a lot but still, we have a lot do. Right now the focus is to create a storyline to exhibit everything and it has to go well with the main theme. Welcome to our gallery” he said with a smile. “But I’m sure it’s going to be an easy job. Because love and sex are so inherent to the human being” 

That wasn’t going to be an easy job. She didn’t know much about love or sex. 

.

After their conversation, the day was just a blurry memory: checking the pieces, looking for articles and references about each one. Harry would once in a while come and check on Lav, ask her if she wanted anything and sometimes he would just look at her, like he was trying to memorize her face. 

It was already 7 pm and Lav and Nessa were getting their stuff to leave when Harry came up to talk to them: 

“Girls, Lovelace just called the office and asked if we want to have dinner at her place. I’m going, care to join?” 

“I can’t, have to meet Cathy. We have a dinner date to try and finally find a date that is good to get married” said Nessa “but I think it would be good for Lav so she can get a feel about how we work” 

“I can give you a ride if you want” Harry offered with a sweet smile, putting both of his hands on the reception table and getting closer to her face. 

“Uh, sure. Let me just get the rest of my stuff” 

“Sure, I’m waiting outside” 

Vanessa was looking down at her with cheeky eyes and knowing smile: “you are going to have the best fuck of your life” Lav eyes grew wide “oh me and my fiancée once had a threesome with Harry. A one time thing but didn’t he gave us the ride of our lives” 

“There will be no fu… mingling with the boss for me. Thank you very much” Lavignia said while getting the rest of her stuff and walking away with heavy steps and wide angry eyes. She was already out of the door but she could still listen to Vanessa’s laughter. 

She started looking for a nice and extravagant car but what she found was Harry leaning on a very red Harley Davidson. Picking at his nails, tearing off the nail polish in the process. 

“Hey. Ready?” She was shaking she had never walked on a motorcycle. 

“Kinda. Never been on a motorcycle before” 

“What a pleasure to be the your first ride then” Harry said giving her a blinking eye and a mischievous smile. “First let’s  put this thing on you” he got closer to her with a blue helmet with silver stars in hand. 

First he caressed her messy curls and then slided the helmet on her head, never taking his green eyes off of her: “you look perfect with this on, like you belonged on a fast ride, just like this ride I’m going to give you” 

She didn’t know how to answer that, she could just blush. 

“Let’s go?”  Nodding with her hand and getting onto the bike with Harry, Lavignia had this nervous feeling in the pit of her stomach: it burned. Every single time he turned a left she would end up brushing her front against his back that was covered by the thin blue shirt. She never felt this spark before, almost like something in her body was screaming for the feel of him. Maybe was the fact they spent the day in the middle of sensual pieces of arts, maybe was the fact that the smell of vanilla on his neck made her think of sex.

And she never thought of sex, never understanding what was the appeal to showcase something it was supposed to be so intimate, and he didn’t have any filter when it comes to it. Maybe the almost 4 years without someone between her legs have finally got her and she was going crazy.

After it felt like an eternity in a war with her own thoughts, they came to a stop on a small circle park with 5 houses surrounding the area . All of them were big and out of a art decor movie. They came to a stop in front of one of the houses: this one was yellow with high walls and a lot of plants all over the entrance. 

“This is Jeannie Lovelace house. My house is the other one on the other side of the park” Harry finally said, without taking his helmet off, pointing towards a house with a bright orange tone to it with rounded windows and a balcony that was exposed for the street, full red roses. “She is already expecting us, you can go inside, I’m just gonna drop my bike at my house. Do you live close?”

“No, I live close to the beach, close to that souvenir shop, you know? It’s about 30 bus stops from the gallery.”

“You can stay at my place, if you want” he said in a normal tone but a sparkle was found inside his eyes, maybe she wasn’t the only one that was left shook from their little trip standing so close together.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea” she could admire him, but she couldn't touch. She only knew him for a few hours but she knew it was trouble. And maybe her tone was quite condescending because Harry changed his posture and stopped smiling and just pronounced a small and guilty “okay” before driving towards his house, acting almost like he was feeling shameful. Before Knocking on the door there was only one thing in her mind: this was going to be an extressfull dinner. 

.

Day 2: Woman with the black stockings 

(Painting they talk about: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/ac/Schiele_-_Frau_mit_schwarzen_Strümpfen_-_1913.jpg )

“Darling, wake up” she could feel Jeannie elegant voice talking quietly “it’s almost 9, if you want to be on time to your meeting with Harry, you have to wake up now”

Meeting? When did she and Harry settled a meeting hour? Lav’s last memory was from getting another glass of the green drink because she was quite overwhelmed with the conversation topics. She didn’t even knew there was so much it could be talked about sex.

“Sorry” she said getting up “my head is killing me. Thank you for letting me crash here, I don’t even remember how I made it to this bed” she looked around, being in a big room with with walls and drawing of flowers all over it, Lovelace was standing right next to her holding a plate full of food. 

“Oh, darling there is nothing to be sorry for. You should thank Harry, he was the one who carried you over here” she said while settling the plate on her lap “but a little piece of advice? When it comes to absint you don’t drink more than 3 shots, now eat. Do you remember what we talked about last night?”

Oh God, she didn’t want to hear all of that AGAIN but she had to be honest: “after my third glass my mind is just a blackout. I’m so embarrassed”she said while getting the beautiful croissant and taking a bite of it and it was so good “You only know me for two days, you are my BOSS and I made a complete fool of myself”

“Again: nothing to be sorry for, everybody in the gallery is like family to me. Not counting Jesse, he is just someone that gives us money…. think of him like the awful uncle that everybody has to deal with” laughing at her own joke  “We just talked about the opening then me and Harry stared to exchange stories… that was when you started to drink a little too much.”

“I just… I hope this doesn’t get me fired but, you all just treat sex like it isn’t an act it should be kept in your bed and I got nervous yesterday with the topics of the conversation once we stopped talking business and especially Harry I mean…. I met him when he was talking about a menage he had in search for inspiration to write about an art piece” She said with open eyes and exasperated sigh

“Lavignia, sweetie, you know that this gallery is about sex right? We showcase pieces with a sensual and sexual background. Also we hold parties, books reading, music. Look at the name we gave it: MORNING AND EXTASE”

“Oh god, I’m so sorry Mrs. Lovelace, when we talked you only told me about this exposee we are doing and I thought that was it. I know that sensuality and art are two themes that often come together but ….”

“There is no problem, Lavignia” she said in a more serious tone, yeah, Lav was out of a job only on her second day, she was sure of it. “Look, I was so ecstatic to have someone with your resume that I only talked about what we are working on right now. Can I ask you something? Give us a chance, please? Especially Harry, he is a sweet guy who lives and feels everything, he gives himself whole in everything: art, friendship, love, sex. I wish I could have met someone like him when I was younger, I would be married, maybe.” She said with a sweet smile “When we are over with the planning of this, if you wish, you can let us go. But try and immerse yourself with us, there is more to the world than ‘waking up, growing old and dying’. If at the end of this you don’t wanna stay, I will find you a job at the most traditional art gallery. But, give us a chance, there is something behind your eyes that longs for something, I can see it, let us show you there is no shame in living.”

Looking at her hands, Laviginia thought about how she was never satisfied, leaving her parents home when they wanted her to get married to their neighbor, going to college in another country, then going to Paris to find a job and failing and now having this big opportunity in her hands: she couldn’t say no; so she nodded and got a big hug from the elegant old lady.

“Now, I asked Harry to get you a few clothes ‘cause I figured you wouldn’t want to be another entire day with the same ones.  He is already here with the clothes I’m going to get it for you. Take a shower. We’ll be waiting for you in the living room” Jeannie said getting up from her sitting down position in bed but before she could reached the door she turned to Lav and said “and another thing: don’t ever call me Mrs again, either Jeannie or Lovelace. Okay?” and with that she left the room and Lav went to shower, knowing she had a chance in her hands and the only person who could mess this chance up. 

.

After taking her shower Lavignia came back to the room to find not only clothes but shoes and underwear and even a perfume, on top there was a note: 

Lovelace would not forgive me if I got you clothes and didn’t bought you a perfume. According to her a woman is naked without a scent. I hope I got the sizing right. 

H.

PS: I would love to see you wearing the lingerie, this one was all Jeannie. 

Of course he would said something like that. The clothes consisted of a black mini dress with red little hearts and a high turtleneck, together with black boots and a thigh high black stockings. The lingerie was pretty, a set with a bright cherry color made of  lace and satin. She loved looking at the mirror using such a beautiful piece, there was something about her she didn’t knew it could be achievable: she looked quite sensual. She felt like she was Twiggy herself (even if she didn’t look at all like Twiggy).

Last but not least: the perfume. It was Paris by YSL and it smelled like richness and sex. Of course he wouldn’t give any less than something like this. But she couldn’t lie, she was grateful for him, Lav knew she was quite harsh to him just the night before with her judgmental looks and words, but even then he got out of this way to help someone he only knew for 24 hours. 

Getting down the stairs she could ear the light tone of their conversation, something about “opening yourself for love”, it seems like Lav was not the only one that was getting a preach from the one and only Jeannie Lovelace. 

With the sound of her footsteps getting closer, Harry turned around and smiled: “glad I got the sizing right. You look nice.” He was getting up and so was Jeannie

“I’m going to give you guys a ride and then I’m picking Nessa up, we are going to the train station”

“I thought we all were working together today” Harry said while walking side by side with both women toward the backdoor that lead to the garage. Jeannie gave them both a big smile:

“Early this morning I got the news: We got the Corregio” in that moment Harry lifted Jeannie up and started to kiss her cheeks while saying “I knew you could do it”.

Antonio da Corregio was an painter from the italian renaissance, being able to get one of his pieces to put on display outside from its home museum in Viena was almost impossible . Lav was looking at the interaction and saw it for the first time: Lovelace saw Harry like a son. They were a little happy family. What she didn’t expect was Harry to put Jeannie down and take her into his arms, giving a big hug and involving her in his smell all over again. 

“Now, let’s go kids. You two have to analyse the Schiele piece and me and Vanessa have a date with Corregio”. And so they left in a very lilac mercedes. 

.

Laviginia couldn’t stop sweating, she was standing side by side with Harry in front of a big painting of a woman sitting down, pushing her skirt up so she could show all of her private parts. With very red lips and nipples and black stockings, very similar to the ones Harry got her, and from his face, she was sure it was not a mere coincidence.

“What do you think we should do with this one?” Harry asked

“I think every piece of art tells a story and we have to discuss about this piece, what story does it tells us” Lav said getting away from the painting and closer to the books she had spread all over the table, looking for her bookmarks about Egon Shiele  and any piece of information about his painting The woman with black stockings.  She looked over at Harry and he looked relaxed with his with long sleeve shirt full of drawings on the sleeves and blue jeans. He was calm while waiting for her to tell him about whatever piece of information she found on the books. Her mind was going crazy, she was sweating through all of her pores, there was the same unfamiliar warmth in the pit of her stomach and there was Harry, changing his attention between her and the naked woman like they were talking about the weather. Finally she found the information she was looking for in one of the many bookmarks she made “This dates back to 1913, he got arrested countless time because of his art…”

“It’s ridiculous being arrested for making his art, especially one so intimate but I understand the time but so be it, I hate it when people make sex such a taboo. But please, continue with what you were telling me”

Cleaning her throat, she continued “according to this the reason behinds his arrests were his nude and semi-nude portrayals of his lovers. It also says those portrayls are so beguiling is quite simple: they have a filth quality to it. He likes to portrait his adoration towards woman and sex”

“Wow, that’s probably the most of dirty talk you have ever made in your life, I’m proud you got to reading all of this only blushing a bit” he looked at her with kind eyes and a smirk gracing his beautiful rosé lips “Okay, he wants to show devotion and rawness to it, right? There is this gorgeous woman spread open for him, longing for him as I hope he was longing to get between her legs and get so deep they don’t know when one ends and the other begins. I think that the theme of this is want, is the disinhibition, not being ashamed of wanting something that is so good” Lav felt like he was talking about her and not the painting “He has a dirty mind freakness, doesn’t only show people what he is seeing, he shows us his desire and let us get into his intimate for one reason: he painted his lovers, people he knew from inside out, people who must have some meaning to him. The fact that he can put together adoration and the most primal act of the human race, takes his art from merely beautiful to widely erotic”

“What does it feel like?” she asked him “being able to see and feel and talk about this without feeling like it’s wrong? Being able to let yourself go”

Harry looked at her and she had no idea what his face was telling her. He was sitting on the floor and pated the place in front of him in a silence request for her to join him. She sat in front of him, folding her legs and looking him in the eye

“I always felt like there was more to life than the one I was leading on, you know? My family came from money, but everything just felt the same, so one day, as soon as I turned 18, I went to Los Angeles, that was 10 years ago, ending of the 60s and beginning of the 70s, David Bowie was still becoming what he is now, Beatles had just broken up Fleetwood Mac didn’t have Stevie Nicks. There I met people who showed me more and more of living and then I started writing, becoming myself. It was with my art that made my own money and got kind of famous but I never actually showed my face to magazines till  I came to Italy when I heard that the gallery wasn’t doing very well, offered to help and I gained a second mother in Lovelace, she was there for me all the time and she was the first one to tell me that I didn’t have to be ashamed of who I was, if I like a bit of everything or if I dress quite flamboyant or anything.” Harry smiled “ That’s what she wants for everybody: have a fulfilling life like hers, without any fears. It’s all a learning you know, one day at the time, you get there.” Harry took her hand and gave it a kiss “tomorrow we’ll all be together to look at the Corregio, you can talk about whatever you are feeling, I promise you: no one is going to judge you.”

“You know it would be nice to just be able to talk about this without feeling like I’m going to hell and I don’t even believe there is a hell.”

“If hell is full of people who don’t care about labels and know how to have fun… I don’t wanna go to heaven “ Harry smiled “but you know, I’m a GREAT teacher, I would love to teach you how to be less awkward when it comes to the theme, after all you are working for a gallery about sex”

“I’m not having sex with you”

“God, Lav, don’t be such a pervert, I was talking about being less shy when it comes to talking about it. Come on repeat with me ‘fuck me’ without blushing”

“Fuck me”

“No, fuck me” 

“Fuck me” 

“No”

“Fuck me”

“Finally! That’s my girl.” Harry said giving a peck to her nose. “Now, how about we go eat a nice gelato, my treat. Then we can come back to talk about the painting”

.

Day 3: Jupiter and Aphrodite

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/fb/Correggio_028c.jpg

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/fb/Correggio_028c.jpg

“I crave your mouth, you voice, your hair/ Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets/ Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day/ I hunt for the the liquid measure of your steps” the words from the poem left Harry’s mouth like honey. When they both arrived early to the gallery, Harry sat on the floor with a poetry book and asked if she wanted him to read for him. “I hunger for you sleek laugh/ your hands the color of savage harvest/ hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails/ I want to eat your skin like a whole almond”

When Harry said that sentence he stopped briefly and looked at Lavignia, wanting to see her reaction. He didn’t choose that poem with no intend, he wanted her to see how sexuality and love could be show on poem, with such a easy passion, no shame. She was looking right at the pearls he was wearing around his neck, thinking he didn’t noticed the way she was staring at his chest and necklace, he licked his lips and continued: “I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body/ the sovereign of your arrogant face/ I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes.

The more Harry read, the more Lavignia was imagining he was doing all the the things quoted, adoring her body with such hunger, she was thanking God that he was close to finish his reading: “And I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight/ Haunting for you, for your hot heart/ Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue” He closed the book and looked at her:” so, that was the Love Sonnet XI by Pablo Neruda, what do you think of it?”

“It’s beautiful”

“Only beautiful? What do you feel when you listen to those words. Erotism can also come in form of beautiful words, to show those feelings and to have them returned are a bliss, if is a one night or a lifetime.”

She wanted to be like him, like everybody she met during those 3 days, so she trying to raise her voice and finally say something:

“I feel hunger. Hunger for life. I don’t want to feel like it’s wrong to desire someone”

Harry got closer to her, almost touching their knees together. The moment he walked through the door last monday he was captivated by the girl wearing the cherry tree print dress. He couldn't stop watching her every movement, how she would stare at each art piece with a passion observation yet timid eyes, how she would like at him like he was from mars, she had so much inside of her screaming to break out of the coffins of her mind and heart, and Lovelace made him promise he would help her, she saw so much of her in Lavignia. 

“Would you like to try and  live the life you always longed for?” he asked her.”You will never be judged here, that is a promise I make you, in the name of everybody”

She was hypnotized by his eyes and the thought of finally exploring whatever she felt since she was younger and everybody always told her how wrong it was: this hunger. Ever since she read the Betty Friedan book “The feminine mystique” and was shocked to find out that women also could find pleasure in sex just like men. Never having the courage but each day inside the gallery she could feel the same insistent pit in her stomach always asking for more” So she just nodded and Harry got even closer, so close she could see the blue and golden inside his eyes and could hear his breathing and smell the mint in his breath.

This guy that just this weekend was having threesomes was going to kiss her shamelessly inside  their workplace. And she was going to let him. 

“Good Morning darlings” said the elegant voice of Jeannie coming from the front door “I’m a little bit late but I got fresh macarons from the french bakery close to Nessa’s place. She is just parking the … oh” Finally looking at the young couple on the floor so close that it was unmistakable that they were about to kiss when the owner of the gallery busted through the door “well…. young passion, always a good feeling when you just can’t wait till you can get home and enjoy each other but please do whatever you were going to do away from the art pieces, we wouldn’t want another incident like the party we threw back in 75”

Harry gave Jeannie a cheeky smile while the only thing Lavignia could feel was shame, absolut and complete shame. Opening her mouth to defend the situation she found herself in: 

“But we weren’t going to…”

“Lavignia you know I’m the biggest and most precious work of art from our little gallery” Harry said at the same time she was trying to come up with any excuse, looking at her while getting up and offering his hand.

“Oh Harry if I was 30 years younger you wouldn’t scape me” Jeannie answered. Today she was using a elegant bright red dress and a scarf around her head and by the smile on her face, Lav understood what they were trying to do: they wanted her to feel comfortable so they were joking to show her there was no problem in whatever they were doing.

“Now, enough talking we have two pieces to figure it out today and Harry where the fuck is the Semmel?” Lovelace said taking her heels off and started to walk around, checking everything they had already done. There was still 3 pieces for them to figure out how they would showcase. 

.

They were all sitting on the bench Harry dragged to the middle of the room, with watchful eyes resting on Lavignia that was right in the middle of two art pieces. They all were waiting for her to begin her explanation: 

“So, if you look at my right, we have the famous Correggio painting: Jupiter and Io, dated back 1530. So, we all know the Romans saw Jupiter as the equivalent of the Greek god Zeus. According to the tale, he was attracted to everything that was beautiful, especially Io, she was one of Hera’s priestess. Jupiter was always tempted by others beauty and would disguise himself to be closer to them. In the case of the Correggio” she said posting towards the bluish god that was encasing the woman in a sensual way “he took the form of a velvet fog to reach for Io” pointing through naked woman encased by the fog, she took a break, waiting to see if they wanted to add something but Jeannie just gave her a small smile, telling her to continue: “it’s from the Italian renaissance, as we all know and the technique is oil on canvas, it’s height is around 5’4 and is has been in the Austria museum since the XVI century” 

Harry raised his hand not wanting to disrupt her talking, he was quite fond of the way she lost all of her shyness and insecurities when it comes to art. When she was done she looked at Harry when he raised from his sitting position to get closer to the painting: 

“If we look next to her face, we can see a face form itself on the fog, that’s Jupiter, right? He is there taking her pleasure as his own and giving his pleasure to her as her own. It’s a mutual feeling, she isn’t dreaming about the fog, he is there. This is such an erotic turn, showing us this woman being involved with this fog, her face looks like she was being pleasured. It’s about the feeling of letting go, she was letting herself being encased by this fog, encased by desire” turning his face to the redhead sitting close to Lovelace he asked “what do you think, Nessa?” 

Crossing her long legs that were covered by a letter flared jumpsuit she stayed quiet, taking the pairing calmly. 

“I think I wanna hear about the Aphrodite before making a decision” 

Harry pinched Lavignia cheeks lightly as if saying: come on, we are waiting. 

Lavignia was looking at the piece. The three naked woman with no shame, laying together on top of the blue satin sheets: one was laying down with her hands above her head, the other was on her fours atop of the laying girl and the third was encasing the the same girl that has her eyes closed in delight. It was clear that she was the one they were intending to adore, she was Aphrodite. 

“Aphrodite is one of the famous goodness, she is the goodness of love and beauty, she was responsible for the perpetuation of life, pleasure and joy…” Lav lost her train of thoughts the moment she looked at Harry. 

He looked calm, standing so next to her, listening so attentive, as if every word that came from her mouth was precious to the subject. His eyes were extremely green thanks to the green and blue crochet vest he was wearing together with a high waisted jeans but everytime he raised his arms she could see a bit of his soft belly and what it seemed to be a butterfly tattoo. 

“Earth to Lavignia?” said the fant voice of Jeannie. Shaking her head a muttering a small ‘sorry’, she continued:

“Anyway, this illustration on paper was made for the Pierre Louys’s book, the artist is Maurice Ray, we don’t know the date but it’s from the 19th century, so it’s nearly not as old as the Correggio, so if we want to sort by date: we can’t. They are too far apart. We have to find the common ground beside both being created after myth. But we don’t have much on the creator of the illustration to help us built the story. It could be helpful” 

“You know” Harry started “it’s good when people don’t know the life of an artist. I mean, I don’t want people to read my poetry and think what inspired me. Like my “cherry” poem, and think “it’s about his last girlfriend who left his heart broken’, I want people to look at my art and take it as their own. The moment I give it to the world, it’s not mine anymore. Each person has their own claim for the piece, their own meaning, their own story. I look at those pieces and I don’t wanna know if the woman in Correggio was the one that got away, I wanna look and see what this makes me feel, how this tells me a story” 

Harry had a girlfriend who broke his heart? Does he always write from his own perspective? Where can she find one of his poems? She wants to know more about the boy who seemed to never look anything but a full rainbow with his colours and happiness. 

“So, we only have now to work with Sunlight to finish the preparations for the grant opening. Nessa is everything okay with the catering?” 

“Yes, I spoke to the cantina owner, you know, Angelo. He invited us to have dinner there today, so we can try everything he wants to bring” then opening her purse and getting a red notebook “I think we have everything covered: food, drinks, journalist to come, photographers, invitations has been send. I  think the only thing lacking is the Sunlight… Harry, where the fuck is the Sunlight?”

His eyes opened and he looked a little bit frightened at Vanessa: “shit, Nessa, don’t pull those eyes on me, I always get scared. I promise: it will be here, okay?” nervously he looked at both Jeannie and Vanessa, and then at Lavignia, in a suplic for a little help. 

“What time should we be at the cantina?” she changed the subject

“In a few hours, it’s only 2 pm now, maybe at 6, the music is going to start at 6 but we know nothing actually works on time here”

“Okay, so maybe let’s just revise everything? And maybe finally find the order we want to exhibit everything? Lav, do you have any idea?”

“I can only think the cliche: year and technique” 

“We have been here for the last four hours searching, reading, talking about those paintings. Can we do it tomorrow” Asked Nessa, raising her arms to stretch.

“Sure, how about you two go and write all that has been discussed today while me and Harry talk business in the office upstairs?” Lovelace said, taking Harry by the hand and leading him to the stairs that stood almost in a hidden part of the gallery.

When they were long gone, Vanessa questioned if she knew that they weren’t going talk business and when she didn’t respond, she continued:

“Harry ex-girlfriend cheated on him and then left with some french preppy guy saying he wasn’t the one because she could never deal with his ways. This was almost a year ago, he was pretty depressed, to be honest, cried a lot, never wanted to sleep alone” 

“Does he ever want to sleep alone?”

“You know, you are fast to judge people, when I think you are opening up to us... “ she stopped to get one of the posters for the gallery and pointed towards the front exit, needing help to put the poster in its place.

When Lavignia thought she wasn’t going to hear anymore of that, she finally continued the talk: “he hates being alone. He practically moved to Lovelace’s house for the first month, was always listening to Fleetwood Mac’s Landslide, crying. Actually, I think during those first three months he only took one person to bed and he cried during it. He started to get better when he wrote his book, travelled all around Asia, he vanished for maybe 45 days. When he got back, he was him again. Maybe a better version of himself”

“Why are you telling me all of this, you don’t even know if I’m going to stay at the gallery or I’m gonna take the other job”

“You know… I can see in your eyes, the sparkle when you talk about those pieces, when you let yourself go. But then, it's like something turns it on in your brain, almost like it’s short circuiting, and then… you stop, you blush and you give us judgmental stares”

“You know, I can’t help it”

“I know” Nessa said with a faint smile “but we can help you”

.

They were all laughing over bottles of chardonnay and pasta, Lovelace was in the middle of telling one of her many stories about the roaring 30 and all that she done back in New York. They got there half an hour ago, the music crew were beginning to put all the instruments over the small stage. The cantina was only two blocs from the gallery. They were sitting outside, in a round table with red and white tablecloth, with fairy lights to illuminate the place, trees that gave the place a certain fairy look.

When they arrived, there was a petite black woman with a sundress and braids on her hair, she recognized to be Nessa’s fiance, but she couldn’t bring herself to remember her name, no matter how much she tried.

When they sat, she was in the middle of Jeannie and Harry. She could feel his arms brushing her back every time he talked. 

“Guarda se non sei la donna più bella di tutto il nord italia” said a tall man, he must be around his sixties. Very blue eyes, gray hair and charming smile. He had honeyd voice, and man, she really needs to improve her Italian if she wants to stay.

“Quindi mi ci abituo, Angelo. E come sempre: il cibo è delizioso.”

They continued to talk for a bit, Lavignia ended up losing the conversation, looking at the small stage, that now had a singer, maybe she was finally going to be introduced to some good italian song besides Volare.

“Perdona la mia mancanza di istruzione” he looked at Lav “sei nueva qui, guisto?  La tua nuova ragazza, Harry? Che bella”

“Nei miel più grandi sogni, forse” God, Harry’s voice sounded even more charming in italian “Lavignia è il nuovo impiegato della galleria. Ma penso she dovremmo parlare in inglese”

“I am so sorry, my dearest” he said with a very strong accent “ I didn’t knew you didn’t speak Italian. It’s a pleasure to meet you, I’m Angelino and welcome to my humble restaurant”

“Thank you so much. I know a bit of Italian, but it’s the language I speak the least and with all the noise and people talking at the same time, it gets hard to understand”

In that moment, the song beguin to play “Our music guess is starting now, if you excuse me… Jeannie, mi concede questo ballo?” taking her hand he lead her to the dancefloor, followed by Nessa and Cathy, who she finally remembered the name.

“And then they were two” Harry whispered turning to her 

She took another bite of the pasta containing a moan while Harry finished his glass, getting another bottle and pouring  for both of them”

“It was my bad Italian or Jeannie and Mr. Charming over there were flirting?” Harry smirked with her statement:

“You are absolutely, right. They flirt all the fucking time. It’s cute but sometimes I just want to push them towards a bedroom with a very big bed and say they can only leave after they fucked their brains out”

The more they talked, the more Harry got closer. He asked about her life before Italy and she asked about his book. She told about how she was trapped with her parents even after she graduated, so she left. He told her about his traveling through Asia, the people he met, how he went to a David Bowie show in Japan, that each city he visited brought him back to himself. 

“You know, maybe...can I buy one of your books?” she asked, with a timid glint all over her eyes “I just want to know what type of art you write”

“Oh, my poetry is all about having sex and feeling sad”

“Well, I still want to. I might blush a lot and maybe won’t be able to look you in the eyes on the first few days, but then I’ll get over it”

“How about this, you dance with me and tomorrow I give you my book to read. Deal” 

“Deal” shaking hands then getting up towards the dancefloor. 

Putting both of his hands on her hips, Harry got closer. They could listen to the calming voice of the singer. Softly singin the chorus of the song, with his mouth close to her ear. 

Lavignia could smell his cologne and feel the heat from his body, almost like he was encasing her in a protection spell from the wind. 

“You seem to know the words to the song. Who is this guy?”

“Oh, he is Pino Daniele, right now he only performs at small bars, weddings. But all of his songs are so good, give him a few years and I’m sure he’ll be big, at least here in Italy. That’s for sure” 

After that they were quiet for a moment, she was trying to catch the words to the song. Feeling distracted by the environment they had: fairy lights, the jazz with a popish sound to it, people dancing without a care, everything so colorful. The heat of the summer night was disguised because of the slightly cold wind that came from being close to the beach. Harry cleaned his throat to get her attention:

“I need your help. The Joan Semmel painting is so hard for me to decipher and I think I know why, she painted from such a tender female point of view. And I know I could ask anyone to help me, but I love how in love with art you are. How you lose yourself describing and talking about the pieces” 

“Okay, I can help. But are you sure Jeannie and Nessa won’t be mad?” 

“I already talked to Jeannie and Nessa a little bit before we had to leave the gallery, actually” the slower song came to an end but they couldn’t let each other go. There was comfort in this embrace and light conversation. Almost like they had done this a thousand times before. 

“You could come by my place tomorrow. We can fix this, maybe I can read some of my poems, since you’re so curious” 

“Sure, what time?” 

“Around lunch? There is no hurry since it’s close to eight and I don’t think we’ll be going home anytime soon” 

She had a night full of dancing and wine ahead of her. She could only wonder what would happen tomorrow when the sun came out. 

Day 4: Office Love https://www.phillips.com/detail/A/NY040210/233

The sky was cloudy when Lavignia knocked on the mahogany door. The house from the outside was already beautiful, with vines all over the place, the orange color of the wall and big door. 

“Hey” Harry said while opening the door, dressed in just a satin robe “I was drawing, I lost track of time. Would you like to come in?” 

The door lead her to his living room, there was a big hello round couch, with red walls and a Indian tapestry. The red walls were full of art pieces - all of them pretty much leaning on the sensual side - the  three ceiling to floor windows gave a beautiful view of the street and grey sky. 

“Feel like you’re at your own home, okay? Please put your shoes over there” he said pointing towards a small cabinet “I’m just going to put on some clothes and I’m be back” 

With Harry upstairs, she was left alone to wander through the living room. There were magazines and vinyls all over the place as well as books about a few of the artists they were going to exhibit. He was doing his homework, apparently. 

But then something got hold of her attention: it was a black and white photograph. It seemed like it was an office, a typical American one. With two big windows and a rectangular desk but there, laying at the same desk, there was a barely dressed woman with her breast out and a man -completely dressed- devouring the woman’s chest. 

“Do you like the work of Helmut Newton?” She heard Harry’s voice just behind her, when she turned around there he was with a graphic white t shirt full of little watermelons drawings and jeans shorts. 

“You scared me, you walked down the stairs really quiet” 

“I wasn’t quiet, you were just really paying attention to the photograph. So do you like Helmuts job?” 

“I never heard of him ‘till today” 

“Well… he is a German photographer and is known for his studies of the female body. He worked a lot with Yves Saint Laurent and that was actually how I met him, I loved his fashions editorials of the brand. Then when I was at the fine arts museum in Boston last year, I saw this photograph. He was touring with his new exhibition when I bought this one. But it only arrived last month, when the tour was done” 

He was side by side with her, looking at the piece for a few seconds before continuing his explanation: “the name of this photograph is Office Love. When I had the chance to talk to him he said he wanted his photographs to arouse. And they do, because he so boldly explores his longings. But, in my personal opinion, what makes his art so sexy is his obvious belief that sex in the most important thing in the world” he looked at Lavignia “so, what do you think?” 

She looked at him with wide eyes and open mouth. 

“You don’t have to say anything to me, okay? But think about this painting when you’re alone. I lost the count of how many times I sat on this same couch looking at her and imaging it was me on the picture. Especially this week” did he said what she thinks he said? “Anyway, would you like to eat something before we start? I brought my book with me, thought we could eat a peanut butter sandwich and I’ll read something”. When she nodded, Harry took her hand and lead her towards the kitchen. 

.

His kitchen was all black and white: black and white tiled floor, black electrical appliance with white walls. Black table with white chairs. 

He made the sandwiches and got them a glass full of water. When they were halfway done, he got one his book and asked what type of poem she would like to hear. 

“Anything. Just want to get to know your art” 

“I’ll just open randomly then…” and when he did, his smile flared a little bit, maybe this poem represents a sad moment in his life. When she was close to telling him that there was no need for him to read if it hurted him, he cleared his throat and said: “this is The cherry sonet” 

Along with the cherry trees came hopeless sorrow

The cherry color reminds me that I’ll still hurt tomorrow

Dreams of you erupted in my waking 

My broken heart is still yours for the taking 

When you met him, did he called you ‘cherriè’?

When you kissed him, did you remembered me? 

And when you left me

Did you feel like you were finally free? 

But don’t you call him baby 

Don’t you dare 

To call him what you used to call me 

But don’t you call him baby 

Don’t you dare

To call him what you used to call him 

She felt tears in her eyes, that was the first time he was avoiding looking at her. Closing the book he gave her and whispered “it’s yours. Take care of it” 

“Harry, I’m so sorry. No one deserves to feel this heartbreak” 

“It was a long time ago. I don’t miss her, I don’t even love her anymore. But every time I remember what she done to me and how much pain I went through my hearts remembers the heartbreak.” 

“I understand if you don’t wanna talk about it, but, who was she?” 

“Her name doesn’t matter. She lived here for a while, I fell in love so deeply, I don’t think I was ever in love before her. It was like the world gained color and I didn’t have to be so lonely, anymore. I was still trying to figure it out where I stood in the world, and for that to work out, I tried to be the perfect match for her. I think i lost a bit of me when I lost her. But that was never truly me, you know” he paused to drink some water “ She didn’t like how I treated matters of privacy. She didn’t like the theme of the gallery and she didn’t like Lovelace either. Said she was a bad influence. So to prove her I could work with other themes, I made this work with a French gallery owner. She cheated on me with him.” 

“Harry… I don’t know what to say to you. I never fell in love and don’t even remember liking someone that liked me back, you know? I don’t know much about you, but I can see that you’re good and you don’t deserve any of that” 

He got her hand that was over the table and took in his. Not saying anything but it was like their conversation was happening without needing any words. 

“I think we need to work on the Semmel. Do you want me to bring here or would you mind if we go to my music room. I left it there” 

.

The music room consists of a place full of music instruments, more vinyls and more books. With pillows and tapestry all over the floor, there was no couch or chair. If you wanted to sit, you had to sit on the floor. On the far left of the room there was a painting with a purple bed sheet covering everything. 

“Ready?” He pulled the sheet and she was left marvelous. 

Joan Semmel is a New Yorker painter and writer. Most of her works are about the female point of view. But, even with the knowledge about the artist’s life, nothing could prepare Lav for the pairing ahead of her: it was a woman sitting down on her bed, relaxed and completely naked. She was touching her body and her body was golden from the sunlight. You couldn’t see her face, she was painting from her point of view. 

“You know I can write about any perspective but I’m having trouble with this one because it shows such a intimate view of the woman’s body. I called Lovelace to help me as soon as we got the thing but she said “darling I’m too old to remember the feeling of looking down at a younger version of my body” 

Lavignia couldn’t mutter a word, she was too much hypnotized by the work. And also jealous: she doesn’t know what it is to be naked on her own bed just taking in her own body. She didn’t knew that could be so much freedom when you’re “normal”. Because one thing is too see Bowie and Jagger preaching sexual freedom. She thought it was made for the ones that had an unusual life. But here she was meeting people that had no problem with showing themselves to her. 

“So, what do you think?” Harry asked her. 

“She has a classic technique of color mixing and…”

“Darling I know all of that part. I need your take about the painting, what’s the feeling behind that and what it compares to true life, and then, together, we can figure it out how to fit inside the theme, how to display it and finally decide the story we are going to tell with Love and Sex because, I’m sorry, my dove, but we have such an unique gallery and exhibit that I don’t want to waste it with cliche display options, I know we only have two days but if we think something NOW, we have tomorrow and the entire morning of saturday to fix it.”

It was too much. It was too much. It was too much. 

This isn’t right. This isn’t right. This isn’t right. 

So Lavignia almost screamed without having second thoughts: 

“That’s not right, I can’t go on and talk about that! She had her thoughts while doing this piece, but there must exist this lack of control when people make such works. Life HAS to have control, Harry. YES it’s a wonderful piece but I don’t feel anything while looking at it” 

“You’re lying. I can tell when you’re looking at me like that” Harry said with a sad yet  angry look upon his eyes “your problem is that you never let yourself lose control. You don’t think I notice... but I do. You give everyone the same staring eyes, judgmental eyes when you remember about your ‘lack of control’. When Jeannie asked us to give you a chance, I went with an open heart. I just undressed my soul to you while reading that poem, I thought you were different from her, she judged me and left me. And here you are judging me. How many days till you walk away from the gallery? When we are on the day of the opening and you leave us with all of the work it should be also yours? We are a family down at the gallery and you have no right to fuck that up with your precious control” his voice started to raise “but let me tell you one thing: one day you are going to have a cock so deep in you that you’ll feel it on your tummy, fingers messing with your button and a tongue down your throat and you’re going to find down there is more to life than your precious control” 

He turned his back and finally said: “Get out of my house, I’ll call Lovelace and ask her to fix the Semmel for me.  I don’t think I will go to the gallery until the opening, I can’t look at you when you’re looking at me like I’m sick. If you want to stay, we all are going to welcome you with open arms. If you still  want to learn how to let go of your prejudice like you said it to me yourself: I’m here. But as long as you are judging us and messing with people's hard work: I can’t look at you.” He gave her one final look and opened his mouth one last time: “do me a favor and only go Saturday if you are willing to try. If that’s not what you want it’s not fair to you to continue to suffer what our daily works entails. And it’s not fair to us to be kept on the fence if you’ll stay or not. And it’s not fair to me to be lead on and think I have a chance of  you being mine” 

And with that he left the room. Letting Lavinia alone with her own thoughts. She had to get of his house. She need to talk with someone. 

She needed Jeannie Lovelace. 

.

She knocked one time. 

Nothing.

Another.

Nothing.

One more time and Lavignia would go home and pack.

The door was opened. 

“Darling, are you alright?” Said Jeannie Lovelace. She was with a beautiful black silk skirt, barefoot and a simple white shirt: “I thought you and Harry were going to spend the day together. Come in, come in” 

She went inside still paralyzed. Jeannie lead her towards the nearest couch (the heart shaped one) and said: “Laviginia, do you want a hug?”

She hugged the old lady that smelled like lavender. She felt at home. She cried.

“What happened? Do I need to go and kill Harry?”

“I think I’m the one that needs the killing” and so she begging the story. From the time they met, to all the flirst, how Harry tried to help her to feel at home and more comfortable with her own skin and nature. Told about the flirting and the night before. And then… told her about what happened just a few minutes ago. When she was done, Jeannie looked at her and finally started to talk: 

“Lav, I don’t think he was right to say those things, but I don’t think you were right to judge so harshly. You know, we are what life made us” she paused “I can’t talk about you, I just met you. I hired you not only because of your knowledge and because we needed someone with your background, I could easily get somenome from Rome for that. But it was because I trust my instincts and it felt like there was a little fairy whispering to me ‘she’s the one you need’. I don’t know how much do you want to open up, but I’m here” 

Lavignia opened her mouth without even thinking “do you know why I was in Paris? Because after I graduated my father told me that now that I could say I was educated and fulfilled my ‘feminist dream’ I should go back to real life and marry. He wanted me to marry the neighbor, by the way. When I said no, he just told me to leave. I still had a bit of money and one of my classmates was French, so that’s where I went.” 

“You know, for someone that is so afraid of life, you are quite brave” 

“So I’ve been told” she paused “but… how will this fix the shit Ihave done to him?” 

“My darling, he is no stranger to heartbreak. He is a free spirit, yes, but he longs to have someone to be free with him. There was something about you that made him feel enchanted, the same way he was some time ago with that girl… but she wasn’t the one for him”

“But I have done the same thing: I was quick to me judgmental with him” 

“There is a huge quote by the one and only Anaïs Nin that goes like this: ‘You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book… or you take a trip… and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death. Some never awaken’. Do you understand that, darling?”

“I do. How do you remember so much of this big quote?”

“Because it was thanks to this book that I woke up. You see, my family had same expectations for me. But imagine that 40 years ago… women barely could go to university. It was - still is, sadly - a man’s world. But, day by day, we can get our space. And that’s in everything, including sex. Don’t be ashamed to own your power. Own your body. Give your life everything what it deserves. Think of you first. And… when you find out who you are and if that person wants people like us as your friends, will be here. If you want Harry to be with you, he will be. And he will take you on your craziest adventures because come on… he’s an aquarius” 

“I’m a Libra” 

“It’s a good match” Lovelace laughed “would you like some wine? I was about to drink some rosé?” 

One hour later they had bruschetta and one bottle of wine almost finished. She was listening to Lovelace talk about her adventures and, unlike last Monday, she was lovin’ it. That woman had such good stories. 

Maybe was the wine but Lavignia finally had the courage to ask: “Do you think Harry will forgive me?” 

“Darling, the moment you said yes to the wine, I know he will forgive you” 

“Why?”

“Because you stayed”

.

Day 5: sunlight 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joan_Semmel#/media/File%3AThe_Jewish_Museum's_Wikipedia_Edit-a-Thon_20.jpg

Lavignia woke up with the rays of the sun hitting her face. She looked at the window and it was completely opened. Didn’t she close it last night? 

After all the drinking and talking with Jeannie, she called her a taxi so she didn’t have to ride the bus alone and slightly intoxicated. 

Looking at the clock she had beside the mattress on the floor - she really didn’t have time to make her complete move just yet so her small loft was quite simple: off white walls, a dresser, a kitchen, her mattress and a little door to the bathroom with a a bathtub. There were boxes all over the floor, the Sunday after the opening she would fix everything, maybe paint the walls and get a few posters: one of Stevie Nicks, one of Frida Khalo and one of Bridget Bardot: her most divine life examples. 

Looking at her door, she saw her blue knee high boots and her purse and inside her purse she could see just a little bit of the light pink and blue book cover. 

Maybe … she could? 

She really didn’t want to get up so she crawled towards her purse and got the book. She could imagine his reaction to her crawling for something of his. 

Back to her bed, Lavignia was lost looking at the book cover, trying to catch all of the details. One side was blue and the other pink. The front cover he had the name “Fine Line” and there was a drawing of him laying down, naked. But you couldn’t see nothing, just the contour lines. Nothing else. At the back of the book there was a simple quote: 

This is a story about my journey. 

The one where I found and lost love. 

But I found myself. 

Do you know who you are? 

As soon as the book was opened, Lavignia found the dedication, it was for his mother and Jeannie - who he calls his American mother. Then, there was a list of 15 poems and prose with the number of pages next to it: the cherry tree sonet, I saw an angel; from the hallway I write you this poem; don’t call me baby, again; the fruits of your body; the lights; golden as the sun; adoration; sex is medicine; summertime and butterflies; from Tokyo, with love; the little gallery. 

What was better? Reading the book from the beginning or do just like Harry did not even 24 hour ago and choose randomly. Lavignia went with the later. This time it was a little prose:

Adoration 

I like the love language our eyes share. When we are so together laying in bed with the sounds of the city having a conversation behind the windows. We are so close that I can feel our lashes touch. Do you know I adore you? 

There are words you can’t say yet. And I understand, darling. You don’t have to say you love me. But I have to tell you: I adore you. 

Please, let me adore you

I adore you 

I love you 

Reading this made her understand more about him. Lovelace wasn’t lying when she said Harry feels everything to its maximum. He was so pure when it comes to the matter of the heart. She felt so guilty for how she treated him. But she knows that at the time she was a different person than she is now, just a day later. All thanks to Jeannie and her Anaïs Nin quote. Wanting to read another, she opened the book in a random page, this time it was a poem: 

The fruits of your body 

From the tangerine smell of your body 

To the dreams I have of your lipstick 

It’s strawberry lick, isn’t?

From the way you hold my body 

To the way you make me love it

It’s sultriness, isn’t? 

From taste of watermelon 

That slips all the way down your legs 

I suck it all up. Don’t I? 

From the way you make me grow

To the way you make me shiver 

I’m at your feet

Yours. 

Yours while you’ll have me. 

Yours. 

As long as the fruit season lasts. 

I hope it lasts forever

The more she read, hotter she felt. It was never like this. She ripped her dress off. She ripped her underwear off. She wanted to get off. For the first time. 

But how? 

And then she remembered something a certain curly haired man with a mustache told her: “think about it when you’re alone”. 

That painting. That damn painting. All of the art pieces she looked this week. The smell of him. The way his body moved. The way he looked at her. She was on fire. The sunlight coming from the window ignited the fire on her body. She was finally on fire. 

Looking down at her body, knowing she was treasure map, ready to be discovered. So her journey begins:

A light touch to her neck, with the tip of her finger. The heat grows inside. Her breast so full of desire: she grabbed them. Massages them. Pinching each one of her nipples. Changed the pressure. Moaned and arched her body. She needed more but she didn’t want to stop her exploring, so she raised to her knees, getting one of her pillows. 

Right between her legs. With her hands getting acquainted with herself she rolled her hip and thought of green eyes watching her. Would he have a smile on his face? She hopes so. Because she is so fucking proud of herself. She was a queen in search of the pleasure she never had the right before. 

Her body. Her pleasure. Her orgasm. 

When she got tired from riding the pillow she laid down again. Her hands went to her heat. And she touched and touched and touched. 

And then… sunlight. She was covered in light. She was the sunlight. Her body reactions is like a morning light: beautiful and so unique. 

When she had finally calmed herself she looked around. And something just clicked. 

Getting up and taking a shower was the first thing she needed to do. Then… Lavignia would run as fast as she could to the gallery: she knew what to do about the opening. 

Day 6: perfume  https://fineartamerica.com/featured/perfume-1910-luigi-russolo.html

Lavignia was going to have a syncope. She was sure of it. The sun was finally setting but it was still hot. Hotter than ever. And if she didn’t hurry she was going to be late for the opening. 

The silk white dress Lovelace gave her was from her own wardrobe. “From my peach days” she called. The dress had thin straps and it reached mid thigh with a fringe assuming the rest of the outfit till it reached her ankle. It was a true fastidious dress from the 30s. And she felt in character. 

Just the day before Laviginia stayed back at the gallery till almost 3am together with Jeannie and Vanessa (and Cathy, she got there with dinner for them and stayed to help). 

It was hard but the moment she told her idea, Jeannie and Vanessa fell in love with it. It was original and so in touch with everything the gallery stood for. 

Sitting on the bus she looked at the the street. It was almost night time and people were starting to begin their Saturdays festivities. Lavignia felt her stomach turn and turn, the closer she got to the bus stop the more her nerves were making her crazy. 

She was going to do the presentation. Yes, that was Jeannie and/or Harry’s job. But well… it would be a miracle if he showed up today and Lovelace said it was all Lavignia, so she is the one that making all the talking. 

Getting out of the bus was easy. Finding her around the streets that lead to Mattina ed Estasi was easy. There was music and people talking loudly. From the window of an old building she could see the shadow of a couple making love. 

But the moment she saw the red Harley, nothing was easy. Her heart was beating fast. Harry was already there. He probably saw the way they fixed everything. Just the paintings with a small description to it. The order didn’t offer any technical logic. Maybe he was mad. Maybe he was curious. Maybe he was just as anxious as she. 

But Lavignia knew she wouldn’t get her answer if she just stood there. She had to walk through those doors and face everything. 

She was ready. 

.

The moment she was inside the gallery she felt so proud of herself. Looking at all the pieces circling the space. Forming a cycle. A love and sex cycle. And four of those pieces where on the center stage: first is Sunlight, followed by Correggio and the Aphrodite, the gods and goodness deserved to be together. And, finally, the one she was so afraid on her second day of work but became one of Lav’s favorite art pieces to ever exist: the women with the black stockings. 

When she dressed today, she was inspired by the painting. But, instead of black, it was white. White lace and see through lingerie her friend from France gave her but she never had the courage to wear - till today - with white stocking. A little innocent gif, if Harry was willing to open when the night is over. 

And by the way… where is Harry? The opening was only for another hour and she knows she was the last one here. 

“Oh, you’re finally here. Good” she heard Nessa’s low voice. Dressed in a black glittery jumpsuit with wide legs and a heart shaped cut in the chest area. Looking like the disco goodness she was “Lovelace was getting worried. You look beautiful, by the way” giving her a small kiss on the cheek she continued “I have to go and see if all of the catering is ready but Lovelace and Harry are upstarts. Any second now… okay?” 

And she was alone again. But not for long. 

She could smell him before she could actually see him. The same vanilla and tobacco. But if Lavignia thought she was feeling a little bit woozy with his smell. Nothing could prepare her for the outfit he choose: white trousers and tank top with a white blazer. Something John Travolta would wear. He had a bit of scruff but his mustache was still the first thing she noticed in his face, together with the pink sunglasses. 

Harry was looking at her, frozen at the top of the copper stairs.  

“We match” she said about the all white assembly they both were wearing. 

“You came” 

And he gave her a small smile. Maybe not everything was lost. 

.

Even with their little exchange, Harry hasn’t talked to her. The opening was keeping everybody busy. There was photographers and journalist to entertain. A lot of people from the villa, too. 

From the corner of her eye, she could see Jeannie in her bright pink spaghetti dress talking to Angelino. He was wearing a blue velvet suit. They fitted together. 

The clock read 8:47 pm, more 13 minutes and she would go to the little stage and do the presentation. She was nervous. Lavignia was in need of a drink. 

As if he heard her thoughts, Harry got closer to her for the first time in the evening with a champagne glass:

“You look nervous. Everything is perfect, you can relax” he said, with a faint smile. Up close she could see the birds tattooed in his chest “and don’t you look quite dazzling tonight” 

“Thanks. You look quite handsome yourself” accepting the glass and taking a big gulp, her shoulders finally relaxing a bit “I’m nervous about the presentation” 

“Don’t be. Lovelace always dazzles everyone. And I’m quite curious to find out why she chose this order to present the works” 

He didn’t know. 

“She didn’t. I did. And I’m doing the presentation. I’m so nervous” Harry looked at her with shocked eyes. Then he looked around. Then back at her, finally taking his glasses off and looking right inside her eyes: 

“Then can you help me make sense of everything?”

“I think I’ll let you find out with the rest of the people here��� 

“Why are you teasing me so much? I wouldn’t do that” 

“No, you would do worse” she looked at him with a glint inside the honey color of her eyes “actually, I think you will do worse to me, one way or another” 

“Depends, if you’re a good girl then it won’t exist any teasing. So come on… enlighten me. Tell me why everything is organized like this” 

“It’s a story. And that’s everything I’m gonna tell you right now” even with their light conversation, Lavignia felt like there was an elephant in the room, so she finally decided to talk about it “can we talk? You know… about what happened?” 

“After this, maybe?” 

“Why aren’t you upset with me? I thought I would have to get on my knees and beg for you to talk to me today” 

“You stayed. The moment you decided to stay, I decided to give you a little bit of my heart. But after the presentation, we can steal a bottle of champagne and go to the office upstairs” he took the bit of her hair that was loose and fixed behind her ear “about getting on your knees: you still can, darling” smiling he gave her his own glass “and there is my favorite embarrassed little girl. Now drink, Jeannie is going to the stage right now,  your presentation will start soon. 

The anticipation she felt about the promise of an “later” with Harry was only bigger than the wheels that were turning inside her stomach. Lovelace was getting up on the stage, god she was going to die. 

“Ladies, gentlemen and everything that is in between, good night and welcome to our new exhibition: Love and Sex” people were clapping and shouting “Before telling the story behind those pieces, I wanna thank Angelino, from Villaggio dell’amore, for making such a delicious dinner for us. Also I would like to thank Vanessa, she works for the gallery since 1975 and since she got here, we only got better the same goes to Harry “she said posting her glass towards Nessa then Harry “you not only came here and invested in our little gallery but you gave us so much more, most of the pieces from today wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. You had this idea and with our little help, we created this magic. So thank you” he raised his glass and say something in Italian that she couldn’t quite pinpoint with all the clapping. 

“Now, not long ago our family got a new member. She came here with her doubts but the moment she allowed the pleasure behind the art envolve her completely, she changed this exhibit for the better and today she’s going to be the one to talk to you. Graduated in Arts in Communication and my new adoptive daughter: Lavignia” 

Harry gave her a small pat on the but like saying “you’re up”. 

When Lavignia climbed the three steps to the little stage, she could feel like she was shaking. When she hugged Lovelace, she was shaking. The moment she saw all of those people faces, she was shaking. But when she saw his smile, she wasn’t shaking. He gave her peace of mind. 

“Thank you, Jeannie, for the lovely introduction” he gave her a not “Welcome to Love and Sex, today, we are going to tell you a little story” 

“From the start of the day, we have this huge Sunlight, a piece from Joan Semmel. Sunlight here isn’t only the signal of a new day that begins. When we talk about Love and Sex, we also talk about the discover of yourself. Know your pleasure, own your pleasure. Make love to your own body. You will never get the meaning of true love or sex, unless you become acquainted with yourself. Inside out. That’s what Sunlight is about: is the vision of the artist upon her own body. When she loves what she see and knows each part of her; what makes her quiver and long. When she makes her own body shake with love and sex is when she is ready to discover the world. Because the moment you understand yourself, you can understand others without any prejudice or pride. The moment you allow yourself is when you can finally deliver yourself to the fogs of pleasure, so well represented by Correggio’s Jupiter. Because here Jupiter is desire, is temptation, it’s the deliver. It’s when you embrace the feeling of bliss. That’s actually why we put gods and goodness together, because when you look at Aphrodite, you want to be inside the piece, you want to be this woman that not only represents beauty but also love. It’s when the pleasure you search it’s at its peak. Orgasm. High. Whatever word you might want to call it” 

Harry was looking at her with attentive eyes. A proud smile. A promise of an later. Everything about the way he looked at her made her feel anything but ashamed for the things she was saying. She had a speech prepared. But she remembers nothing of it because the moment she was on stage nothing else mattered beside her feelings towards the pieces, at the end everything is about feelings. 

“And then, we finally have The woman with the black stockings; because sometimes you have the chance to find people whose intensity matches yours and you just want that person. You dream and you desire, because now, sex is not only sex but is also love. You fuck at 10 am but have slow sex in the evening. Whatever this person wants, is theirs. You are opening yourself. Not only literally but metaphorically, as well. And you can only hope this person doesn’t get scared only because you’re so open” 

The whole moment she was talking, people were walking around the artworks. But now, they were all looking at her. Now was the time to close her explanation and kiss her man, the same man that was so attentively looking at her and helping her since the first day. 

“If love is a prose, sex is poetry. From all the artworks I just told you all about it, they all share the same theme but are shown in a different way. From the fog that encapsulates the young woman in Jupiter to the woman with her open legs showing to her lover that everything that is hers is also his. Giving him the privilege to see her in such a tender yet sensual way. Because love and sex are privileges. You can have one without the other, but together they are powerful. Is a privilege because you can’t find that in others so easily. The ones that can see what pleasure is all about, that there is no shame in longing, in wanting, in quivering for someone but also recognize than when you do it all of this with love: Is irreplaceable”

Looking around she saw people with tears in their eyes. Lavignia was so proud of herself. 

“Is a privilege because not everybody can find that. A few people spend all of their lives without knowing the true pleasures of the flesh and others spend their lives wanting to be loved, waiting for someone to fit inside of them just like a puzzle. But, sometimes, all you need is you. The world is quite boring but some people know how to make it colorful, just like those artist that shows us the most inherent sentiment of the human race with the most primal desire of the human race. 

This, is love and sex. Enjoy your night. Thank you.” 

Lavignia could hear the applause. Lovelace went to give her a kiss on the cheek, Nessa and Cathy were hugging her, welcoming her to the family. Journalist wanted to talk to to her. She could see cameras flashing and unknown faces congratulating her. But her focus was in looking for him, and she found him: at the top of the stairs, with a bottle on his hand, he gave her a nod, pointing toward the office door. Lovelace, that was standing right beside her told her to go. 

.

The office had baby blue and white walls. That was the first thing she noticed. There was a bathroom and a big window showing the hot Italian summer night. In the middle of the room was a desk and sitting on that same desk, there was a man picking at his nails with a champagne bottle next to him. When he heard the door, he gave her a smile and stood up. 

“I thought you were going to ditch me” 

“No. Just had a lot of people wanting to talk. Sorry” 

“Nothing to be sorry for” he took a step closer to her “can I just start by saying how I’m so fucking proud of you? You gave such a nice speech and you made the theme so much better than what we initially thought. Cheers to that” he gave her a small smile and the bottle. Taking from his hands and drinking a big gulp, the sweet taste of the champagne that had notes of cherry filled her tastes buds. She gave him the bottle back so he could drink and asked him: 

“What was the message you took from everything?” 

“That love and sex is to let yourself go. As you said, it’s a privilege… and what a nice privilege” they were standing in the middle of the room, the sound of the party downstairs was nothing compared to the silent conversation that was happening behind every word they exchanged. 

Harry thought Lavignia looked beautiful with the lights from the night sky illuminating her beautiful face. It was only then and the moon. Their only witness was the moon. He wanted to get a paper and write everything he was thinking. Maybe he would named Her and the moon and would say something among the lines: even the moon takes chances in betting that our love begins tonight. Strong or weak. Happy or sad. 

But they still had so much to talk. So Harry decided to begin: “why were you so harsh to judge? Not only me but everybody here, actually” 

“I think I was intimidated by you. You came telling about your weekend and I could only think ‘he has done more in three days that I have done my entire life. And I don’t know I think when you mix that with the unknown, I ended up misjudging you. More than once. Even when you were always so open to me” she got the champagne, drinking some more “I’m so ashamed for how I treated everybody here. You and Nessa and even Lovelace that first night, drinking everything and passing out.”

“You don’t have to be ashamed, we are family here. And family forgives, right?” he pinched her nose “And yeah, I understand what you mean, we tend to fear the unknown. Were you really discussed by me? And the fact I like a little bit of everything?”

“I think I was jealous,actually.  And I hated myself for the feeling you gave me since last Monday when I saw you walk through the door. But I don’t think I was actually discussed, you know? Not at you, at least. Maybe at myself. It was hard to understand all the feelings I was having  and also understand that feeling all of this is okay” 

“I thought you were beautiful, you know? I was captivated by you since the first day. And we were always on and off during the week. There were days I thought you were finally understanding us and days I was sad because you looked at us as if we were monsters... exept when you start talking about art. That’s beautiful. You lose yourself in it.” 

She was so closer to him now, playing with his rings. Harry noticed little lines on her forehead, like she was thinking about something. 

“You seem like you want to ask me something”

“Do you still want to get to know me? Or have I missed my chance?” He laughed at that. 

“Of course I wanna get to know you.”

In that moment, both of them let go a relieved breath. It was crazy to think about how much could change in one week. Lavignia always thought you could only feel like she was feeling was you know someone for years, but sometimes you have the privilege. 

It was a brand new start, the Sunlight was a reborn for her. And now they were on the same page. They were both open. They both wanted a real chance. 

“Will you be patient with me?” She asked him 

“Always.”

“When are you going to kiss me?”

“When I’m finally inside of you”

“And when is that?”

“In a few hours from now, when the party has died down a little bit”

“I was thinking you were going to kiss me now.”

“Well... we can do other stuff, you know?”

“Like the painting at your house? It’s quite sensual” 

“Look at you. How do you managed to be able to talk like this in just two days”

“You can’t  see it because of the lack of light but I’m blushing right now but... you are right. I had to discover myself. Actually one of your poems helped me, and all of those paintings, they created a good picture in my head.”

“Are you saying you got off to one of my poems?”

She nodded her head. Affirmative. 

“Which one?”

“The one about the fruits”

“Fuck... you are making real hard for me not to kiss you right now”

“Why don’t you?”

“I’m going to. Just not now. If I’m going to kiss you I’m going to do it right. Laying on my bed, with me inside of you. But it doesn’t mean I can’t do something to help you. I can see you’re squishing your thighs.” getting closer to her, he looked right inside her eyes, making her feel dizzy. 

“Tell me, darling. Ever heard about voyeurism?” Harry asked with his deep voice just above a whisper.

She was feeling dizzy. His perfume was increasing all of her nerves. The smell of vanilla marking her melt while the notes of  tobacco was igniting a fire within herself she never felt before”

He got closer again and grabbed her hips “I’m not going to ask again... ever hear of voyeurism?” 

She nodded her head. A negative. 

“Well...it’s when you have satisfaction of watching people engage in sexual situations” he said in a low whisper close to her ear, she was shaking. Harry was walking her backwards till her back was against the desk “I would love to see you hump this pretty table till you get lost in the feeling of a delicious high. And then I’ll take your wet panties from you and put it on my front pocket, close to the part that is aching the most to get to know you” he raised her to sit on the desk, opening her legs in a position her clit was resting on the cold and hard surface “then we are going to mingle. People are going to come to you and talk about how good your speech was. Cathy and Nessa are going to want to take photographs. Poor them, little they know my little girl is without any underwear, wet and waiting for us to get home” he started to help her move her hips on the desk. The first few waves of pleasure passing through her body like little flicks of energy “and then I’ll take you home and fuck you properly for the first time in your life, would you like that, darling?” She nodded her head and he gave her a peck in one of her eyelids “good. But, for all of that to happen I need you to do me a favor and come” 

“Won’t people hear me?” 

“And what’s the matter of that. We are not working anymore. We are enjoying a very sensual party, just like everyone else. And I can promise what we are doing here... everybody down there had done at least two times worse” she was hypnotized by him and his damn perfume “fuck it, right?” 

Fuck it 

Lavignia felt her hips moving more and more. Her toes were turning inside her boots. Harry was whispering dirty nothings close to her ear, leaving light kisses across all of her neck and chest. Holding her tights open, helping her move, sometimes moving his hips closer to her just so she could feel the promise of later. 

Harry let go her trembling body so he could watch her. Taking two steps back he admired her, her body was moving like an erotic dance, one of the straps of her dress was falling of her shoulder, showing him a little bit of the left breast that was covered by the thin fabric of the bra. And then… that was when he saw it: the white stockings. 

“Aren’t you a work of art.. I wish I could paint you right now, make Shiele quiver with jealousy that he didn’t get to capture you” 

She could feel her orgasm approaching, the little flicks of pleasure growing stronger the harder she rolled her hips on the hardwood table. 

“When we get home, I’m going to spread you open, I’m going to kiss and lick every single part of you. I might have to sell my soul just to not come to soon because my body it’s so hot for you. So so hot. Come on, little darling. Come for me” 

And she came.

 Like an avalanche starting from between her legs and making her whole body treble, forming incoherent words and losing its strength. But before she could fall off the desk, his body was back, holding her close and telling her to breath. Taking care of her. 

When she came down completely of her high he took her panties off. She was wide eyes when he smelled and said to himself something among the lines of “delicious”. 

This was only the start of tonight.

.

The wind was hitting Lavignia in the face, getting closer to his neck. His Harley was running around the Italian streets. She no longer felt ashamed for the thoughts going round her head in comparison to their first ride together. 

After their little encounter at the office they went downstairs holding hands. Getting funny looks and a thumbs up from Nessa and Cathy and a smile from Lovelace. 

They danced with people, looked at all of the artwork together for the billionth time, Harry introduced her to a designer that was at the opening and a few other people. When they noticed it was close to 2 am and people were leaving. 

They stayed to help to dismount the stage and be sure nothing happened to the pieces but Lovelace told them to go home. 

So now it was 3 am and Lavignia was taking advantages of her position behind Harry to stuck her nose in his hair and take in his smell. Maybe she needed to see a doctor. She was addicted to his perfume. 

When they finally reached his place, Harry gave her his key to open a little gate so he could park the motorcycle. She noticed that he had a very yellow BMW. 

“Not that I don’t like the Harley but how come you never drive this beauty?” 

“The gallery is so close from my place that I don’t see a reason why. But, I’ll take you for a ride anyday. How ‘bout that?”

She nodded her head while still looking at the car but the moment Harry touched her back, indicating to go in through the backdoor, she stopped everything to follow him. 

They were back to the black and white kitchen. Harry took of his white blazer, now only with the white tank top and the trousers. She could finally see his tattoos now. The naked mermaid, the ship. Lavignia was so hypnotized by him that she didn’t move from the door. 

“See something that you like, darling?” He asked putting the pink glasses on the table together with his blazer. Lavignia didn’t answer anything, closing the door, she walked towards him. Taking off her shoes and putting her purse on the table as well. 

“Can I get you anything?” He asked “some wine” she hugged his middle and nodded her head in a negative “or maybe water? Something to eat?” She noticed his smirk, he was living to tease her, but it was a week long teasing “little darling, if you don’t say anything I’m just going to keep asking. Put those pretty red lips up to good use and tell me what you want” 

“You made me a promise early tonight…” 

“Hey, come on… to be shy on me now” he was so close, the heat of his body could be felt in her back, he was closer and closer till… oh, he was already hard? 

“You said you were going to kiss me…” 

“I was going to kiss when…” 

“You…” she could do it, she could say it “when you are finally inside of me” 

“That’s my girl, come up”

He lead her towards the stairs. Lavignia wanted to see every artwork he had around the house but she was too focused on him (and his damn perfume). Soon enough they were in front of a dark wood door. 

His room had light pink walls, tall floor to ceiling windows and in the middle of the room a huge bed with a canopy. He told her to feel comfortable and she went to sit on the bed with her feet barely touching the ground. 

“Don’t you look pristine sitting all straight and proper. You can get more comfortable darling, I swear the bed isn’t going to bite you” 

He was kneeling in front of her, with both arms at each side of her body. 

“Why are you on your knees?” 

“Because I’m going to pray”

“I didn’t know people prayed before having sex” she joked

“Darling you can’t be serious”  she laughed and he was stuck admiring her but then she stopped at looked at the painting he had on the wall 

“Is that the 1910 painting by Luigi Russollo?” 

“Yeah, I like the way he uses his synesthesia to make the most sensual paintings” he kissed her cheekbones and started making his way down her neck, using his hands to fiddle with her dress. But he wasn’t done yet, we wanted to make her blush a little more “so… can I begging my prayer?” 

When she nodded her head he attacked her left breast over the dress, she was lightly moaning and he was getting dizzy. She was the best type of drug, every little thing seemed to me a new feeling for her and he wanted to watch her while she discovered more and more of the pleasures of the flash. 

“It’s too hot” she said is a whisper 

“Can I take of your dress?” Giving him a small yes, she helped him take of her dress, now, only in her bras and white stocking. She looked like a goodness, deserving its place with next with the Aphrodite back in the gallery. 

Harry used his hands to make her lay and opened her legs. He they started to kiss her legs, going up to the inside of her thigh, when she could feel his breath, he went to her other leg and made the same path. 

When he felt like both of her legs were full of loving,  he kissed just above her little point of pleasure, just to see how she would react. She whispered a little “stay” and he couldn’t wait anymore, he has to pray, he couldn’t delay it anymore so he just gave a full lick from her opening to her mound. Playing with her labia but never touching her clit, he wanted her swollen for him. Anxious for his lips, longing for his cock. 

Using the tip of his fingers, he was playing with her opening, but never actually penetrating her. When he thought she was getting loud enough, he started to suck at her clit the same moment his middle finger entered her. Using a come here motion, he found the button inside of her. 

Lavignia felt like she was in heaven, she was being adored by this man’s mouth and hands. She wanted more, she needed more. Trying to move her hips towards his mouth to get an even better feeling. 

Normally, Harry would hold the person down, but Lavignia looked like an angel and she had such a sweet taste. He just couldn’t so he gave her everything he could and let her take anything she wanted from his mouth and fingers. 

It didn’t take long till she was a trembling mess. Her release was sweet like honey and the most enjoyable thing to watch. 

While she was calming down from her high, Harry got up and took of his shirt, he was sweating too much. Then he help her up the bed and started to kiss her eyelids and comp his finger through her hair. 

“Hi” she said 

“Hey” he gave her a peck on the tip of her nose “do you want anything? Maybe water?” 

“No” she used her leg to press the tent that was appearing in his crotch area “I want what you promised me”

“Are you sure? We can do it tomorrow, I don’t mind if you’re tired. You came pretty hard” 

“Please, I want to feel you” 

“Okay” 

He was hers. Anything she wanted, he would give to her. So, her wish was his command. He stood on his knees and opened his pants never taking his eyes off of her. 

Lavignia was feeling her body burn so much. She was close to the point of hyperventilating, the moment she saw his member spread free. 

“No underwear?” 

“It gets in the way” 

When they were both fully naked (with the exception of her white stocking, “this one stays” he told her) and he was on top of her, he took one of her hands and asked if she has done that before. 

“A few times, almost five years ago” 

“I’ll go slow. Please, hold my hand and tell me if it hurts too badly” 

When she nodded, Harry got hold of himself and started to massage her with it, her clit, her labia, trying to get himself wet with her moisture. That’s when he remembered “on that nightstand I have a lube, it’s water based and smells like orange. Would you mind if I used a bit on both of us? It might help to ease myself into you” 

“Sure” she said with har breath starting to pick up again. So Harry for the bottle and warned her it might be a bit cold. 

Using the gel with both of his fingers, he got in easy, making the same come here movements and sliding his finger out with a “pop” sound. 

When he went to pass on his own dick, she stopped him and with a shy voice asked if she could do it for him. And he said yes. 

So she used both of her hands to be able to get his entire shaft and massaged him, up and down, squeezing when she got to the base and using the top of her finger when it was the head, all following his instructions. 

“Stop” he told her “if you continue I’ll come before we even start and I don’t think I can’t handle anymore” 

So, they were back to the same position as before, he on top of her, both of her legs were intertwined with his, his left hand on her right hand and they mouths finally close to each other.

When he started to enter her, she felt a small burn. It wasnt bad, but she isn’t didn’t knew if it was good. He was slowly easing himself and after a while she decided that it was a good type of burn. 

When Harry was all the way in he finally said: “I’m gonna kiss you now, okay?” 

It was a weird first kiss, but it was perfect. He was inside of her in more ways than he could explain. People say that when you have sex, even if it’s a one night stand, your essence connects with person, and they were connecting in a way that it was rare in any galaxy. 

Then he started to move, painfully slow, they didn’t have anywhere to go, that was no reason to rush. 

“You know, it’s not going to be good for my ego if I come too soon” he told her 

“After a week of reading I was hope for you to blow my mind not to blow your shot too soon” 

“Heeeet, that’s mean” 

He was loving it, he was having sex with the most amazing girl and they were still able to have that banter he loved so much. God, he was going to fall in love with her. He could feel it. 

After that, they let their bodies to the talking. She was moaning and so was he. It was sweet. It was hot. It was everything love and sex is all about. 

When they were done, Harry got them water from the kitchen and a banana. Then she wanted to do it again, so they did it, this time against the bedpost. When they were done, they talked for hours, finally getting to know each other. They feel asleep the sun was already high in the sky and there wasn’t any worry  or shame for her neither any pain for him. They were cured and were ready to begin another journey, this time with one another, another day, another sunlight. 

Day 7: a balcony in Italy https://www.saatchiart.com/art/Paintings-Bedroom-Balcony-In-Italy/1131921/4490457/view

She woke up alone inside the bed, completely naked with the exception of the satin sheets. There was a single sunflower resting on top of the tiny desk next to the bed with a simple paper that read: 

Good morning, bunny 

Get out of the room and take a left. You will find a round wooden stairs that will lead you to the balcony. I’m waiting you for breakfast. 

Getting a purple robe that smelled just like Harry she went upstairs, finding a suspended garden with all types of flowers she could think. There was an old table  that looked from 1930, on top of the same table there was fruits and pancakes. The sunlight was shining from the big balcony, letting the Italian summer fill their lungs and eyes. 

She found Harry sitting  on one of the chairs, wearing a green and white striped shirt with washed blue jeans. She could see he had shaven because there was no scruff but his mustache was still there.  Just from looking at it she feels a chill running down from her back till it reaches her most private parts at the memory of the same mustache passing across all of her body in his always there teasing manner. 

Harry didn’t see Lav at first, but he did listened to her footsteps. Writing something in his journal, not touching his food. Waiting for her. 

“You know... how long are you planning on staring at me? Should I get naked to make it better for you?” He said with a smile on his face, finally looking at her with a shine inside his eyes. One that hasn’t left since they made up yesterday. 

“Sorry I didn’t...”

“Bunny you can stare at me all you want. But I bet you’re hungry, so why don’t you come here and eat with me?”

Lavignia started to walk towards Harry but he stopped her: 

“Naked” that made her pause all of her movements. “Take of your robe love, and come and sit on my lap. Let’s eat together, shall we? I wanna be close to you” Messing with her tangled curls she looked around and at the balcony: what if someone sees me? 

But it only took one look at Harry to know that there is no problem because even if someone sees them: fuck it, right? Isn’t that what she learned from this crazy week?

So she took off her robe, trying to look Harry in the eyes, no matter how much she wanted to look at the ground. Walking towards him, she won a beautiful smile as a present for her courage. 

Now, on his lap, with her back against his front, she relaxed. Maybe was his smell - the fant reminder of the perfume and sex - or the way he kissed the back of her neck and passed his hands through her hair. 

“So what do you want?  We have coffee,orange juice. Bread and eggs. Pancakes and fruits.” 

“Isn’t a bit late to be eating breakfast? It’s almost 3 pm” 

“I mean... we did go to bed almost 8 am. And I see there is nothing bad with having breakfast for lunch” 

With that Harry served her first (she wanted strawberries and pancakes) and then choose a slide of watermelon to start his meal - god knows how much they needed to eat after the night rolling around the bed. 

“How did you have the time to make such a big breakfast?” 

“Oh, I only made the pancakes” he said using his free hand to caress her right thigh “was planning on getting you breakfast in bed, and all of that. You know how smitten I am with you, bunny” he gave her a pitch on the cheek but continued talking: “But Lovelace sent this big breakfast as a thank you for the success that was the opening night yesterday. So I thought: change of plans. Organized everything here and left the note for you. But it didn’t take long because I don’t think I waited more than 20 minutes till you showed up using the robe even if I was very clear that you should come naked” he said giving her a funny look, pretending to be disappointed. 

“Well... I don’t see you being naked” 

“That can be arranged in 30 seconds, if you want” 

She laughed and they continued to eat, the only sounds they could listen was the birds and the faint radio from someone outside, playing a romantic yet cheesy Italian song none of them ever heard. 

Harry was using his free hand to tease her. Pressing his leg upon her mound. She was getting wet, feeling the heat of June so much hotter than actually way,  like she was inside a stove. 

“So, is here that you and your...” Lavignia was curious about his miscellany in bed, but she didn’t want him to feel mad or think she was jealous, she was just curious “guests “yeah, she choose the right word “here to refresh?” 

Harry laughed: “my guests never actually even been here or my bedroom” 

“Oh, so I’m different from all of them?” 

Harry turned her around on his lap,  with both of her legs each side of his waist. He took her head in both hands with a serious look: 

“From the moment I saw you I was captivated. When I noticed how different you were I was so afraid you wouldn’t give me a chance because I have had my fair share of broken heart: from being cheated on to people who just said I can’t imagine the father of my children dressing the way you do all of that hurts, you know? I always give everything of me to the world but I never see the return of something that could be meaningful. And I think you mean something. I know you for only a week but there is a piece of me that wants to get to know you, fuck, even if you didn’t wanted to try and open up for life I would still find a way to be in your life either way. There is something inside those honey colored eyes that made me get so lost inside of them that I started to talk so much nonsense the day we met” he shook his head in a sign of denial “ I know I am a bit out of the usual guy but the first thing you heard from me was about a three way I had just the weekend before, that is no way to met someone you would wanna take out on a date, right” 

“No. I was intimidated. I still am. There is so much I don’t know about the world and I only found out when I walked through that gallery door.” 

“I think we balance each other and I can’t wait to figure it out more of us. If you want” 

“I would like that” 

“So, can I take you out on a date?” 

“Isn’t this a date?” 

“No, I wanna proper wine and dine you. Maybe take you to the movies. Fleetwood Mac is coming to Rome next month, we can have a little weekend getaway together” 

“Okay. You can take me on a date” 

He kissed her with fire in his soul after this. He was so used to being used just for his body or people with the dream of being one of his muses. And now he finally had a chance to start something amazing with this shy girl who is thrust so much in him. 

“Good. Now that is settled, I wanna try something.” 

He raised her up to her feet, opening his pants just enough to free his semi erect cock: “come and sit on me” 

She looked at him with questioning in his eyes: “what about breakfast?” 

“We are going to eat breakfast, come on” and with that she carefully sat on him. Both of them growling. 

He took her plate and gave her a bite of the pancake. Everything seemed surreal for her: he was growing bigger inside of her and she was getting wetter. Every time she tried to move to get a bit of friction he would stop her. So there was only one thing for her to do: accept the food in her mouth and watch when he took bites of his watermelon looking at her. There was just something so erotic about everything. 

“You know” Lavignia said when they were done and Harry rested their plate on the table “you are stuffing me full both ways right now” with that joke they started to laugh together 

“One week ago you wouldn’t say this” Harry noted “I’m proud of you bunny. So proud that I’m going to give you a reward. 

She looked at him, questioning. But he just took his hand and tapped her lips saying: 

“Open up” she opened her mouth “tongue out” 

And he did what she wasn’t expecting but it wasn’t a surprise at all: he sucked her to the inside of his mouth. Using his right hand to pull her hair while the other was getting down her body. 

“Tastes just like strawberries, so fitting for this summer evening” He said before going in for more. 

They started to kiss and his fingers were playing lightly with her clit. Never giving the pleasure necessary but always there... remembering her of the feeling of him inside and outside of her. 

The more they kissed faster he would move his hand in her intimate parts while the other was manhandling her, with a strong grip on her hair, she couldn’t move. She was completely at his mercy. 

When they both couldn’t take it anymore, Harry got hold of her hips, lifting her up and slamming her down his body, sending sparks through both of their bodies. 

In that moment, she was stuck with the feeling of him he was the only thing that mattered. If someone could see them from the balcony: so be it. Even being on top, he was the one making her move. She couldn’t wait till the day she’d have the courage to be the one in charge. 

“I’m not gonna last long” said Harry “sorry” 

“It’s okay...” she said moaning. She was close to coming but from the sounds and the beating of Harry’s heart against her own: he was closer. Following her instinct she started to roll her hips every time he slammed her down, biting his neck and moaning in his ear: just for him. 

It didn’t take long till Harry’s movements got a bit out rhythm so she said: “fill me up, come on. I need to feel you, to see you” 

Harry was a goner. Closing his eyes and opening his mouth. He looked like an angel, if angels could be naughty as him. 

When he opened his eyes, there was this adoration inside the way he looked at her. It was so loving that Lavignia said a little “oh” when he simply got up with her on his lap,used his hand to get whatever was on his way and her threw her on the desk, in the middle of the food, books, flowers. 

He got down on his knees, looked at her through hooded eyes, mouth close to where she needed him the most and said: “second breakfast”

And third. 

And forth. 

The end

Oh, God, this was almost one moth of work and I’m so glad it all turned out just like I wanted, but first, i need to thank someone.

This fic exists thanks to the book “Woman, myth and godness”, it’s a book about the represetation of the woman inside arts, literature. It was how I found out about Sunlight, and fell in love with the concept.

And last but not least: I decided to use an OC because she had such a strong personality I needed to give her a name. If anyone is curious the faceclaim is a south american singer from the 70s called Gal Costa, so yaaay for poc charecter.

Anyway, I hope you guys like it!

[syrenki]

for the album asks: lanas "ultraviolence" and sky ferreiras "night time, my time"

oooh, thank you anon!! okay, i'm gonna be honest with you, i only know the title track from sky ferreira. i love it though, i really do, it's glorious. and hey, since you asked this, i'm guessing the whole album is worth listening to, right? thank you for the rec, i'll educate myself on her, hahah

and when it comes to lana, oh man. let's go. i'll actually go least to most favourite, it feels more exciting this way, tbh. so:

14. guns and roses, obviously. it's a shockingly unremarkable track for such a remarkable album, isn't it? just so... bland, frankly.

13. the other woman and yeah, okay, it kind of hurts to put this as my second most disliked song, because it's really good! it just doesn't hit all the right spots for me, i think, quite like the rest of ultraviolence does.

12. florida kilos, it's very sweet and summery! i don't think that i'm very obsessed with it, though. i think she has a lot of tracks that taste ripe like july too, but are more... unique - say 1949 or even the newer doin' time.

11. fucked my way up to the top - well, what can i say, it's sexy. and i love the trance-like feel it has going on. not one of my faves, but yeah, i'm putting it above the other woman and florida kilos because it sets a very... hmm. specific mood, if ykwim.

10. black beauty. it's funny, i actually mostly listened to a different version of it that i downloaded to my mp3 player years ago, only to discover that the real, officially released one sounds completely different now that i regularly use spotify. i do love the lyrics on this one, though. i used to listen to it so, so much in 2016 or 2017, i think!

9. ultraviolence - she was the moment, she was nicole before nicole, huh? i love the dreamy edgyness in this one! it actually took me a long time to warm up to ultraviolence, despite it being the title track, but as soon as i did, i fell in love. i love the wordplay, she really knew what she was doing with the name of this album.

8. money, power, glory - i could have never suspected that i'd put this over black beauty back in middle school, but at this point? yeah. i actually don't care much for the lyrics, as i'm not the type of person to strive for luxury a lot - you can call it being non-superficial, or maybe a lack of ambition, or lazyness. yeah, lmao. what i love most about this song is just the sheer sound of it, the drums, her voice in the ,,glory!" part, the ,,hallelujahs" - it's all so... orgasmic. plus the high pitched ,,i can do it if you really really like it" with the slowed guitar riff in the background completely sells me on this song.

7. brooklyn baby - i mean, what is there to explain. it's just brooklyn baby, you know? yeah, my girlfriend's pretty cool, but she's not as cool as me. i think it's a little bit too cute and positive for the edgy fucker that i am, otherwise, quality-wise, it could very well be in the top 3.

6. sad girl - it's sweet, it's edgy, it's kinda emo. a love child of pretty when you cry and brooklyn baby, i guess. it's not a masterpiece, but i'm putting it pretty high up the list simply for the ,,he's got the fiiiireee!" part and my own personal feelings for this song, yk? oh well, it's my ranking after all, and i can be as subjective as i please. ♡

5. shades of cool - it's just so good! yes, my baby sure does live in shades of blue! some really similar dynamics to black beauty, and again, god, just a year or two ago i would probably say this was my fave, or at least one of my faves, now i think my love for old money and cruel world has outgrown it, though. it really reminds me of dark blue, indigo and violet hues, you know? it's ultraviolet after all, i guess. the vocals in that instrumental bridge kill me every time in the sweetest of ways.

4. cruel world - man oh man, i would eat this if i could. i would drink it, or put this song into a heart-shaped locket to wear on my neck at all times. it's so unbelievably dreamy, and sexy, and the line about being happy that they're gone hits so hard out of nowhere in the context of the song, for some reason it sounds more like she's singing about someone's death rather than simply them not being a part of her life anymore. i got your bible, i got your gun, and i'm so happy now that you're gone. god. wow. some fatherhood themes for sure. i'm not entirely certain why, that's just how i feel it.

3. west coast. what can i say? newer lana is cool, but she wants what west-coast-ultraviolence-lana had. the tempo change every time she gets to ,,i can see my baby swinging", have you actually noticed how much slower the song gets? and those few guitar notes right before this line. agh, it makes me feel so strangely heartbroken for a love i never had. maybe it's because of this world heritage romeo+juliet music video, though. i can't really think of anything else now when i listen to west coast. oh, and also, i never thought a sexy, playful song like froot would work so well with the moody west coast, but it really, really does.

2. old money - look, this is a personal one. i know it's nowhere near as iconic as brooklyn baby or west coast or anything, but i can't tell you how bittersweet this song is to me, personally. one of the first songs i even know from lana. i used to listen to it at 13, laying in my bed at 3am, drinking some oversweetened coffee, reading about sigils or whatever the hell. some blog on here had an audio player built into its html and i remember, it played this song, among others. i spent weeks searching for it. it sounds like peaceful, quiet tragedy. the calm, almost resigned sound of it sends me right back to those spring nights. always, always.

1. pretty when you cry, judge me how you will for this choice. there's something so utterly exsquisite and heartbreaking about this song, it reaches into you and tugs at your heart with its bony cold hands. i cannot praise it enough, ever. even if it's fully because of my own associations and memories. i always come back to it. i used to cry to it when i lost the person that my 'and winters here are eternal' tag is about. there's just... god, there's something about this song. and also, hey, i really am pretty when i cry.

thank you for the ask and i'm sorry for getting so in-depth and, hm, suddenly writing in a weirdly pretentious way. that's just what lana does to you://

[ranger-report]

Review: SPELUNKY 2 (2020)

Few things in the Year of the Apocalypse have brought us joy; once upon a time back in February, there was something about a Sonic the Hedgehog movie that people actually liked, and then we went full-on deep into madness. From there it was disappointment after disappointment; even an unstoppable giant with hype, The Last of Us: Part II fell apart under fan scrutiny despite huge critical success.

But then, there was light: Fall Guys, a true underdog of a game, released and swept the internet and gaming as a whole with excitement. Joyous, colorful, wild, aggravating, Fall Guys single-handed brought catharsis to a series of unfortunate events, followed by a masterpiece of deception, Among Us. Also capturing colorful characters in the most unlikely of situations, Among Us is the game of Secret Hitler that nobody knew they wanted, ruining friendships along the way -- a game I plan to do a write-up on soon. And yet, we still have another gem to consider now, one which is seven years in the making, and against all odds is just as good -- if not better -- than it’s predecessor: Spelunky 2.

Once upon a time, a developer named Derek Yu released a pixellated exploration game that was a love letter to Pitfall and Indiana Jones. Dubbed Spelunky, it followed the trials and tribulations of the Spelunky Guy as he dove headfirst into a series of ever-changing caverns as he explored mines, jungles, icy caves, and Egyptian ruins to discover the City of Gold. It was released free online, and was well-received enough for Yu to work on an upgraded version, Spelunky HD. Gone were the retro pixels, replaced with detailed cartoon art and vibrant atmosphere. Telling the same story with the same levels, only now realized in higher quality and deeper secrets, Spelunky HD helped create the roguelike genre, in which players start at the beginning of a game with nothing, slowly make their way through the game amassing items and weapons to assist them, but death takes them all the way back to the beginning pockets empty. Then, the game randomly generates a new series of levels for the player to try again, ensuring no two runs are ever the same. For some this is frustrating, for others an endearing challenge. Many have spent hours diving deep into the game, searching over and over for its most hidden secrets, discovering hidden paths and endings only achieved through insanely difficult methods. With that game cemented as a bona fide masterpiece, it seemed daunting to even consider a follow up, but Yu and development team Mossmouth have done it once more with Spelunky 2, a game that feels tighter, plays looser, and somehow holds even more secrets than the first game, partially due in part to the sequel having actual lore to follow and a story that literally is out of this world. Here the protagonist is Ana Spelunky, daughter of Guy Spelunky (the titular Spelunky Guy....the game is full of dad jokes like these), as she followers her adventurous father and mother to the moon as they have disappeared there. Turns out the Olmec guardian defeated in the first game also has a presence on Earth’s satellite, and the Spelunkys have vanished in their quest to research this. So Ana, full of spunk and vigor and dog Monty in tow, steps into the spotlight on a completely new adventure, along with completely new friends.

Where the first game gave players options to discover and unlock new characters during the course of the game, Spelunky 2 treats these side characters as actual companions. A base camp at the start shows life and livelihood where everyone beds down and preps for the next expedition, where shortcuts to different stages can be traversed (once properly unlocked) and dialogue can be had. There’s a simple joy just to stand around and see everyone you’ve unlocked hanging out, walking around, as more and more beds occupy the camp. It’s a very subtle way of showing player progress that is both incredibly rewarding and relieving. And for the most part, it’s the same essence of gameplay. Explore levels filled with creatures out to kill you, while collecting gold and rescuing animals. Gold can buy resources from the shops located in the levels, animals give you a kiss for extra health, but only if they make it to the end alive. Meanwhile, the areas are loaded with traps, bombs, hidden monsters, jars filled with any number of surprises, and bonus areas that can be unlocked with the proper use of a rope or a bomb. But tarry too long and the ghost that haunts this world will reveal itself, slowly stalking you until either you reach the end of the level or there’s nowhere else to run.

Differences with the new game come in gentle shocks: for starters, where the first game had a linear progression this one has multiple pathways that can be taken to get to the end. And minibosses! Journeying through the opening caves, divided into four sections, leads to a confrontation against a giant caveman named Quillback in World 1-4, which leads to a pair of doors, one on either side of the level. First time playing through might lead to discovering one of the doors due to the way they’re split apart, but casual exploration to the opposite side reveals the truth: a whole new world. One door leads to Volcana, the underground mining operation in a volcano, the other leads to the Jungle, which has received deadly upgrades from it’s previous life. Spelunky 2 is littered with these gentle shocks as I mentioned above: golden idols still set off traps when picked up, but the traps now vary from falling pillars to explosive lava to spiked walls. Beyond the Jungle and Volcana lies a boss fight with Olmec, making a surprise appearance early in the game. And from here the game moves ever onward, revealing new areas, new characters to unlock, new surprises. And the surprises are telegraphed even better than they were in the first game. For example: unlock a special box with a golden key in the Caves to gather the Eye of Udjat, which lets you see through the floor. But the Eye can also be used to start up the Drill in Volcana, the only way to power it. What happens when you use the drill? Gentle shocks, indeed. New ideas also include mounts to ride (once tamed, which can leave you vulnerable for a moment while you wait for the ride to settle), each one having a different attack or special ability, and brand new shops which can let you into their back rooms to loot...unless you have a skeleton key and you want to risk pissing them off by breaking and entering. But pissing off a shopkeeper usually results in guns blazing your direction, and the imminent threat of death.

Death is in abundance. The game knows it, you know it, the characters know it. With a premise around the idea that death is impermanent while inside the tunnels of the moon, it becomes eventual that the characters get in on the act. Turning the page in Ana’s journal on the game over screen reveals little thoughts of hers on this leg of the journey: from base facts such as when she first took damage, to giggly details like “I was vegan” (referring to the fact that she didn’t eat any turkeys or -- god help us -- cavemen for extra health), the game brims over with character aplenty. Even certain guardians refer to Ana as “Reborn” nodding to the endless cycle. And, in fact, it is endless: it keeps going and going and going until eventually there is the final level and the escape from the moon. But how long will it take to get there? What sacrifices must be made to make it that far? How many loops, deaths, rebirths? As always with Spelunky, there is gold both figurative and literal to be mined from the ruthless exploration. Secrets are deep and wide, surprises await around every corner (was that a LEPRECHAUN and did it drop a FOUR LEAF CLOVER??? And did that ghost just sPLIT into FOUr???), and all of it is rewarding.

It can be difficult to review a game that I haven’t finished. A lot of Spelunky players have never finished the game. There’s a certain finesse to it, watching speedrunners bounce through levels undaunted, gathering miracle items to assist them. Then there’s players like me, that bumble and stumble their way into lucky runs and slowly earn shortcuts to different worlds. It’s a gamble every single time, and sometimes I wonder why I do it, but the charm and the fun and the fist-pumping feeling of success against all odds is what makes this game so much fun. And to think that Mossmouth not only captured the feeling of the first game, the majesty of it, and renewed all of that magic with the second. Someone made a blood sacrifice to craft this game, that much is for sure. As of this writing, the Playstation 4 version has been out for a few weeks, and the PC version for only a few days. After playing both I can confirm that they are precise, concise, and play exactly the same, although I do feel I had slightly better control response times on the PC. That said, online co-op is not yet available for PC, as Mossmouth is going over that aspect with a fine toothed comb. Having playing online day one for the PS4, I can say that the hiccups experienced then will be best served through Mossmouth’s attention first. Online play has become much smoother since, but players deserve the best experience off the jump.

Spelunky 2 is mana from heaven in these trying times, and I’m gobbling as much of it as I can. And when a game like this is is this deep and wide, there’s a lot to gobble...and all of it is tasty.

Final Score: 9/10

[quietest-rebellion]

Christmas Party (Stefano/Reader)

I finally did something for Stefano for his birthday! (/ ﾟ▽ﾟ)/

This is set in a happy post-stem world where Stefano lived and the reader is friends with Sebastian. Of course in my mind this is the reader from His Last Masterpiece but I tried to make them as gender neutral as possible. Happy holidays!

Find it on AO3 here!

“Stefano, please.” You pleaded. “It's just going to be the five of us.” You had been arguing with him all morning. Apparently the man had some grudge against Christmas. Or at least the idea of a Christmas party. Honestly he was probably just against being in the same room as Sebastian for more than five minutes.

“I'm not going and this is final.” Stefano stood at your dining room table and continued to look through his most recent batch of photos spread out. You rolled your eyes. At least by this point in your relationship, you were proud to admit, you practically had the man wrapped around your finger. You wrapped your arms around his waist and laid your head against his back. 

“Pleeaassee.” You begged again. “If you go, maybe I would be willing to give you your Christmas present a little early.” You moved his scarf slightly to the side to nip at his neck. He paused and looked up from his work, sighing. 

“How long is this event again?” You smiled and pulled away from him to grab your coat and your gift for the exchange.

“It's only until five.” You explained as Stefano adjusted his scarf and put on his suit jacket. “Sebastian said he has plans to watch Polar Express with Lily after that.” Stefano nodded and grabbed his keys as the two of you walked out the door.

~*~*~*~

It was about a ten minute drive from your apartment to Sebastian's house, and you had planned on annoying Stefano with Christmas carols the entire way. Unfortunately his car only acknowledged his phone and he changed the lock on it again. The photographer played Tchaikovsky's entire Serenade for Strings in C major instead. Wow. You totally weren't tired of that one. He could have at least played something from the Nutcracker if he wanted to listen to Tchaikovsky. 

Stefano pulled into the driveway of the large home and stopped the car. You could see that Juli was already here, which wasn't surprising considering how long you had argued with Stefano about your attendance. Stefano looked as though he might offer up another complaint but it seemed it had finally gotten into his head how stubborn you were. By the time he shut off the car you were already climbing out and Lily was running to meet you guys in the driveway. Sebastian chased after her with a coat and you couldn't help but laugh.

“Lily, how many times have I-” Sebastian scolded as you gave Lily a hug.

“Yes, Dad.” Lily sighed and put on her coat. Man, she was growing up so fast. She was already twelve, you could hardly believe it.

“If she freezes then maybe she'll learn.” Stefano suggested, getting out of the car. Lily rolled her eyes and Sebastian gave him as death glare. You laughed and grabbed your present out of the back. The four of you went into the house and you set your present on the coffee table by the others for the exchange. Sebastian took your coat and hung it up as Lily ran to the kitchen.

“Hey, Juli.” You greeted the brunette who sat on the couch half-watching whatever hallmark movie was on. Juli took another sip of her coffee, gave you a nod of her head and a small smile. Stefano and Juli just sort of glanced at each other as a form of acknowledgement. The two never really talked. When they did, it seemed to consist of Stefano bragging and Juli saying, “Yeah, I know.” Which annoyed him to no end, meaning she achieved her goal. 

“Y/N, we were gonna make some Christmas cookies!” Lily told you, showing you a bowl of dough in the kitchen. You nudged Stefano. He gave you a questioning look.

“Come on,” you pulled him to the kitchen and forced him to actually take off his gloves. 

“Stefano, making Christmas cookies?” Juli joked. Everyone except Stefano laughed. 

“Well, baking is another form of art so I just figured-” You defended yourself.

“That doesn't mean he'll be any good at it.” Sebastian joked, giving Stefano a small smile. Stefano took off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves. He was now determined to make the most beautiful damn Christmas cookies the world had ever seen.

And thus the competition began. Sebastian and Lily versus Stefano. (You offered to help but he wasn’t having it). The challenge was who could make the prettiest and best tasting cookies. You and Juli were the judges. While Lily was involved in the competition, she didn’t seem too worried about whether or not she’d win, she was just having fun and making them look however she wanted. Sebastian and Stefano on the other hand… The two glared at each other any chance they got, and you worried you may have to dock points soon for one of them trying to sabotage the other. 

~*~*~*~

After covering the kitchen in sprinkles and icing, the competition had ended. Now was time for judging. Looking over Team Castellano’s cookies, they were adorable. Snowmen, christmas trees, gingerbread men, however their work was a little messy. 3 out of 5 from you, on appearance. Juli agreed. So, 6 out of 10 so far for Team Castellanos. 

Moving on to look at Stefano’s, they were gorgeous. Presents, ornaments, snowflakes. Every bit of icing cleanly spread, every sprinkle placed exactly where it needed to be. Seeing as the man was a perfectionist, this came as no surprise. So, as much as Juli hated to admit it, Stefano got 5 out of 5 from her, obviously you gave the same. Team Valentini currently leading with 10 out of 10.

Stefano crossed his arms and smirked at Sebastian who was giving him a look cold enough you could swear you could see frost forming in his hair. 

Time to taste test. Juli took a bite of a Castellanos cookie.

“Wow, it’s really sweet. It tastes like one you would get at a store. And it’s not too crumbly. 5 out of 5 from me.” She smiled. You tried one. Wow. It really was as good as she described, you felt like you had just spent a bunch of money to get this from a bakery. 10 out of 10 Team Castellanos. Now leading with 16 points. 

You could see Stefano getting a little anxious as he adjusted his scarf and clenched and unclenched his hands in his gloves. You picked up one of his cookies to try and it broke. Not a great sign. Upon taking a bite you discovered that it tasted… alright. Not the best, not the worst. Juli tried one and gave them 2 out of 5. You gave them 3 out of 5. Meaning Team Valentini lost by one point. Oh no. 

Stefano seemed to still be processing as Sebastian and Lily high fived and celebrated by having some of their cookies. Juli laughed and had another one of the Castellanos cookies. Stefano left the room and you followed.

“Hey...” You put your hand on his shoulder only to have it swatted away. After a second he took a deep breath and turned to look at you, he was obviously angry but he didn’t seem to know what to say. “Sorry, I should have given you an extra point so you’d at least be tie--” He held up a hand to silence you.

“I will not take a win that was not fairly earned.” The artist sighed, then smiled at you. “Come on, there is still a gift exchange to do.” You smiled back at him, surprised that he let it go so quickly. He’d probably bring it up again later.

“You know Sebastian is never gonna let you live this down.” You reminded him. Stefano chuckled.

“So I’ll beat him next year.” You smiled at thought of having a party like this every year.

The two of you walked into the living room and the rest of your group soon joined you. Stefano counted the presents. 

“But there are only four gifts and there are five of us, how are we going to do a gift exchange?” He asked. You smiled at Sebastian who pulled something from behind his back and set it next to the gifts. It was a small cake, with a camera made out of icing on it and the words ‘Happy Birthday’ on it.

“Surprise!” You and Lily shouted in unison. Stefano looked bewildered at the cake in front of him. 

“What is this..?” He asked.

“We knew your birthday was really close to Christmas, so I could trick you into thinking it was a Christmas party.” You replied.

“It was Y/N’s idea. I just agreed to host.” Sebastian explained, trying to keep up the ‘I really don’t like you’ appearance.

“I made him do it!” Lily joked. “Happy birthday, Uncle Stefano!”

“I was invited, and thought ‘Hey why not.’” Juli shrugged.

Stefano still seemed in shock. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a birthday party. Lily handed him a gift with a big bow on it. 

“This one is from me, open it!” Stefano offered her a small smile and pulled the ribbon off. The wrapping paper fell away to reveal a painting she did of the two of them. 

“It’s beautiful, topolina.” Stefano smiled and hugged her. She handed him another gift, a small box.

“This one’s from dad.” Stefano took it and opened it. It was a just a gift card, but it was for Stefano’s favorite coffee shop, so it was obvious he tried a little. The artist laughed a bit to himself at the thought of Sebastian trying to think of a gift for him.

“Thank you.” Stefano wouldn’t say his name, but he would thank him, since he was polite like that. Lily handed him another box. This one wasn’t wrapped the best.

“This is from Aunt Juli.” Stefano nodded and pulled off the paper, and opened the box. Inside was an intricate knife, similar to the one he had used in STEM. He picked it up to see what it felt like in his hand. 

“Where did you get this?” He raised an eyebrow at Juli. She shrugged and smiled.

“I have my ways.” Sebastian gave her a look, but she didn’t seem concerned.

“This is the last one, I’m sure you can guess who it’s from.” Lily handed Stefano the gift bag that you had carried in with you when you had arrived. You couldn’t wait to see his reaction. He started to open it then paused.

“Should I be opening this in front of Lily?” He whispered to you, you hit him.

“Just open it.” You rolled your eyes, but he did as he was told and pulled out a photo album. He gave you a questioning look and you encouraged him to open it. The album was filled with pictures of the two of you, pictures that he had no idea you had taken. In the back was a note that read “I’m thinking we should do a location shoot.” Next to the note were two plane tickets for Italy, next week. Stefano calmly set the album down and Lily picked it up to look at what the note said. Stefano grabbed you and pulled you into a tight hug. You wondered if he might cry. 

Sebastian cleared his throat to get your attention. Stefano pulled away a little. 

“So, are we going to eat this cake?” Sebastian asked.

~*~*~*~

“Was it all that bad?” You asked as you climbed into your car after saying goodbye to Lily and Sebastian. Stefano seemed like he was going to roll his eyes, but he didn’t. 

“I suppose not.” He replied, putting on his seat belt. “I can’t believe you managed to surprise me.” 

“Well, that’s part of why I had Sebastian host it. You would have known if I suddenly bought a cake and stuff.” 

“But you had the photo album at home the whole time!” 

“Well that was easy, I just put it with my work papers. You never look at those.” You laughed.

When you arrived at home, Stefano’s first thought was to spend some time playing around with the knife he had gotten from Juli.  

“Excuse me but, Mr. Valentini…” You turned Stefano to look at you and took the knife from his hands, beginning to spin it in your own. “I believe I still have to give you one more birthday present.” Stefano raised an eyebrow and smirked, and you pulled him down the hall by his scarf. 

[aion-rsa]

Rebecca: Leaving Hitchcock Behind for Something Darker

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This article contains spoilers for the film and book versions of Rebecca.

Leave it to Ben Wheatley to remake Alfred Hitchcock. The younger British filmmaking iconoclast has been nothing if not provocative with his filmography so far, which includes the disturbing horror-crime hybrid Kill List (2011), the serial killer black comedy Sightseers (2012), the psychedelic, very weird A Field in England (2014), and the unsettling dystopian nightmare, High-Rise (2015). But with Rebecca he takes on not just a classic Hitchcock film, but the master’s sole Best Picture winner. Why not, right?

We’re being facetious, of course. Wheatley’s version of Rebecca (now on Netflix) is not a remake of the 1940 film but a new adaptation of the 1938 novel by Daphne du Maurier on which it is based. Both films are mostly faithful to the book (with a couple of notable exceptions), but Wheatley and his screenwriters (Jane Goldman, Joe Shrapnel, and Anna Waterhouse) coax a moral ambiguity and feminist twist out of du Maurier’s multi-layered Gothic romance that wasn’t permissible in the 1940 film.

“I mean, it’s the same conversation I have about every film,” Wheatley says when we ask him over Zoom what drew him to the project. “It’s like, ‘Oh it’s a comedy. The last one you did was a horror film,’ or, ‘Oh it’s a fashion movie and last thing you did was a family drama,’ or whatever. I try and choose stuff that’s at 90 degrees from the last thing I did every time, and I’ve been lucky enough to do that.”

Wheatley adds that reading the script led him to rethink his assumptions about the story and the Hitchcock film. “What attracted me to it was initially Jane Goldman’s script,” he explains. “When I read it, I was really surprised by it. I felt all the twists and laughed at all the right bits of it. And that surprised me doubly because I had seen the Hitchcock film and I’d read the book. So I thought that was really odd, that I would misremember it in that way. I talked to a few other people and they were kind of like, ‘Yeah, Rebecca. It’s just this beautiful romance, isn’t it?’ And I’m like, ‘No. That’s not the half of it.’”

It’s fair to say that Rebecca deceptively starts off as a “beautiful romance.” In the new film–as in the book and the 1940 version–the main character is an unnamed young woman (played now by Lily James), who is working as a personal assistant to a wealthy older American (Ann Dowd) on holiday. In Monte Carlo, the young woman meets Maxim de Winter (Armie Hammer), also rich, who is quite dashing and recently widowed.

The two strike up a whirlwind courtship that results in de Winter whisking the young woman back to his ancestral estate, Manderley, as the new Mrs. de Winter. But once ensconced there, she discovers that the house is permeated with the lingering presence of her predecessor, Rebecca, who still commands the unhealthy loyalty of the mansion’s housekeeper, the sinister Mrs. Danvers (Kristin Scott Thomas). It is here that Rebecca pivots from romance to thriller, with the plot turns and psychological subtexts piling up like the waves crashing at the bottom of the treacherous cliff upon which Manderley sits.

“When I reread [the book], I just imagined du Maurier had written Rebecca as a dare or something,” says Wheatley. “That it was kind of, ‘You like romantic fiction? Well, I’ll write a book that will stop you reading romantic fiction forever. I’ll take the tropes of it, which is the widower and the holiday romance, and the rags to riches, and then I’ll really smash it and rub your nose in it.’ I loved it.”

In the book and both versions of the film, it’s revealed that Rebecca was not the perfect wife and society hostess that she was reputed to be. In fact, she was a cruel, selfish woman who claimed to Maxim on the night of her death that she was pregnant with another man’s child and would force Maxim to raise it as his own, a revelation that leads her tormented husband to shoot her dead. He disposes of her body at sea, but when the corpse washes up a year later, Maxim reveals the truth to his new wife.

Hitchcock’s film, due to the moral decrees of the Hays Production Code that was in existence at the time, had to change Rebecca’s death to a suicide since movies were not allowed to show murderers going unpunished. Under no such constraints, Wheatley takes his Rebecca a step further: The new Mrs. de Winter evolves into a protector of her husband, taking action to clear his name while at the same time fully aware that she is complicit in the cover-up of a murder.

“The moral structure of it is very different because of the things that were missing from the ’40s adaptation due to the Hays Code,” says Wheatley. “So the actual heart of the book is the idea that Maxim de Winter has murdered his wife and that you then side with de Winter and the second Mrs. de Winter as an audience member, and basically root for them to win throughout the rest of the story–which is utterly despicable. But I thought that that felt like a good reason to revisit it.”

His reasons to approach the source material aside, Wheatley knew he might touch some kind of third rail of cinema by taking on a story that the general public remembers as a Hitchcock masterpiece (it didn’t work out too well for Gus van Sant and his 1998 remake of Psycho, which like the original was also based on a novel). Getting all that noise out of his head was the first step Wheatley took.

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“Right at the beginning of the process I went, ‘Oh, right. I’m going to get a kicking for this,’” he says with a laugh. “And then I didn’t think about it anymore and I made the film. I put it right to the back of my head.” But the subject inevitably came up as the director began promoting the film. “I saw the reviews [and it was like] ‘Oh my God. It’s all about Hitchcock.’ But that’s inevitable. It’s fine. The audience that’s there for this movie is a much bigger audience than just the audience of people who’ve seen that version of it.”

Wheatley says he’s less concerned with his movie being compared to Hitchcock’s than feeling as if he did justice to the novel. “I had a lot of questions about filling the shoes of Hitchcock and all this,” he remarks. “It really isn’t about that. It’s filling the shoes of du Maurier. That’s the challenge and the fear of taking a book that is so beloved and so central within a culture in lots of ways and so influential. To take that and balls that up is the problem. The other adaptation is done and everyone loves it. There’s going to be no shifting of that from the pedestal of cinema history by anything I did.”

Of course Wheatley wasn’t the only one dealing with the ghosts of adaptations past. His trio of leads–James, Hammer, and Thomas–took on characters first embodied on the screen by Joan Fontaine, Laurence Olivier, and Dame Judith Anderson.

“With Lily, we talked a lot about the agency of the character,” says Wheatley when asked how he approached each actor about their roles. “But there’s the aspect of the book where you don’t know if you believe what the first-person narrative is saying. She says she’s very weak, but at the same time her actions are strong. So is she slightly self-serving in how she talks about herself? And is the whole truth there?”

He continues, “That’s the craft, I think, of Lily James’ performance, trying to be nervous and terrified, but also not capsizing the movie by being irritating or being too confident or strong.”

Kerry Brown / Netflix

As for Hammer’s portrayal of the equally enigmatic Maxim de Winter, “It was more the other way around of taking someone from the position of being completely in control and being like a matinee idol and then just destroying them over the period of the movie,” Wheatley says. “But then as usual, the film is not shot in chronological order. So it’s an absolute nightmare to track all those kinds of performances. But that’s basically what we talked about a lot.”

When it came to casting Mrs. Danvers, perhaps the most iconic of the story’s three leads, Wheatley says he was “totally” enraptured with the idea of the great Kristin Scott Thomas taking on the part. “This version of it is a kind of more sympathetic Danvers,” he reveals. “I think that had come out of reading it and going, ‘I feel like she’s the moral center of it in many ways.’ There was a lot of quite complicated emotional stuff that she had to do–to go from being stern to being vulnerable, from beat to beat to beat. And I think that it took someone of her kind of pedigree to be able to do that.”

Whether viewers come to the new Rebecca with their own memories of the book or the original movie, or tune into Wheatley’s version with no preconceptions in mind, the director thinks that a new version of the story, some 82 years after the book was first published and 80 since the release of Hitchcock’s film, could have a different impact on new generations of viewers experiencing it for the first time.

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“I think every film that you make is putting the film through your experience of the moment,” he explains. “So I think that there are things that are happening now which become more pertinent, and there’s also general universal truths. The idea of, what is your history of your own partner? How do you deal with the jealousy of that and the obsession? What would you do in this situation? How do you compete with ex-partners? That kind of stuff. It’s also a tale of privilege, of someone who can float through life because they’re good-looking and rich, and they do what they like and get away with murder.”

Rebecca is streaming now on Netflix.

The post Rebecca: Leaving Hitchcock Behind for Something Darker appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[theunderdogwrites]

Green Lives Matter

My favorite Halloween costume from my childhood (age 10) was The Hulk.

For three reasons:

1.       I made it myself

2.       I wore it two years in a row

3.       It made my outside look how I felt on the inside – tough but complicated

I cut up an old pair of jeans to look as though my tiny legs had busted through the seams and to make it appear like I’d grown taller. I took an old white dress shirt and shredded the sleeves to symbolize my biceps exploding in rage and slightly shredded away the length. I put black (safe) spray paint in my hair and painted my legs, arms and face in Hulk green to complete the look. There is a photo of this masterpiece somewhere in an old album, I just don’t have access to it right at this moment. I know I looked magnificent because I remember the feeling of hiding behind this larger than life character for a night while grunting for candy or else “HULK SMASH!” your front door down. I love this memory.

Now let’s address this – I did green face.

I refuse to apologize and if The Hulk wants to come find me and break me like a hard pretzel, well then he better bring backup because even though I am no longer painting my face green… I have turned myself into a Hulk. Ok, a mini Hulk. But I can conjure up a temper and throw a tantrum while also being completely unreasonable and void of real direction. So... yeah, he’s going to need someone other than Black Widow to come with him.

I should mention that I am white. And not just white – I am Scottish white (Scottish heritage, born in Canada). Fair skinned, blonde hair, green eyes and I once thought mashed potatoes were the best food of all time. Until I discovered garlic mashed potatoes. Mind blown.

“I love humanity, but I hate humans.” – Albert Einstein

Let’s not lie – being white has its privileges. Do I know what all those privileges are? No, probably because I’m privileged in some way. But I find myself going back to the same bit to explain so much that I encounter in life:

Until my high school guidance councillor explained to me what suicide was, I had no idea it was a thing. I had no idea it was a possibility and I certainly did not know that many people were actively participating.

My lack of knowledge wasn’t due to privilege but rather because suicide had never been apart of my life experience. Would we call that ignorance? Some definitely would because it literally means ‘being unaware’. I feel an ignorant person is not only being unaware, but also a first-rate wanker because they won’t educate themselves or evolve and wish to remain blind to reality.

Once I became aware of suicide, I didn’t pretend it didn’t exist. I started to pay attention. I didn’t brush it off as an experience that didn’t affect me but rather a symptom of fragile mental health and I gave it the consideration it deserved as something that many people were suffering through… most of the time alone. If I see something that is wrong, that I know needs my support – I am there.

That is not my privilege speaking, that is my humanity.  

 The senseless murder of George Floyd ignited a firestorm.

(A firestorm is a conflagration (an extensive fire which destroys a great deal of land or property) which attains such intensity that it creates and sustains its own wind system. It is most commonly a natural phenomenon, created during some of the largest bushfires and wildfires.)

When I saw the footage on the news – I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand the blank, almost twisted look on that officer’s face as he drove his knee down on George Floyd’s neck. I didn’t understand the blatant inaction of the other officers while witnessing this brutal extinguishing of a human being. I didn’t understand why this level of aggression was necessary on someone who was already subdued. And I didn’t understand why the words “I can’t breathe” didn’t invoke an ounce of compassion or relief.

Then came the protesting. Then the riots. Then the looting. And I still didn’t understand.

While some people want to group all three of these events, in my mind, these are three separate actions. Because by attaching the riots and the looting with the genuineness of the protesting…  it lessons the cause, blurs the intention and distracts from the truth… therefore painting the protestors with a brush of violence, greed and chaos. And that is beyond unfair.

The PROTESTS are NOT out of control.

The pain and frustration are what’s out of control and more importantly the injustice is out of control and people are responding to a situation where they feel angry and powerless. Yes, the fires, destruction of property and looting are awful collateral here but it’s important to not loose focus on what caused this current situation. We often look at with contempt and criticize reactions while forgetting the action that started everything.

And that is another injustice.

I wouldn’t even know how to begin writing about Black Lives Matter or Antifa. I say this because of the controversy surrounding both movements. And if you dive deep enough into the internet, like I did, you too will begin to suffer from what I like to call ‘I don’t know what to fucking think anymore-itis’.

So, I’m going to escape talking about these two groups with this:

“Instead of feeling threatened by and hating a movement, be glad you don’t need a movement.”

 My experience with black people is pretty limited. Not by choice, but rather due to geography, common interests and quite possibly socioeconomics. I can count on one hand the number of black people I knew throughout my school-aged years. My area was diverse in other ways, so no, I did not grow up in White Breadville. I mention all this to lay down a bit of background before I continue.

“I don’t see colour.” How many of us have said this at least once in the last six months? I have. And I probably said it to prove to myself or someone else that I wasn’t racist. But I no longer say that… because the truth is, I do see colour. I see ALL the fucking colours and they are beautiful. It’s people who are ugly.

If you were to ask me point blank if I was racist, I’d tell you point blank – I am not. And I’d say this with absolute belief in my character and sincerity. I care less about your skin colour and nationality and more about you returning your shopping cart to its proper location. That is the truth. Your religion doesn’t bother me at all (as long as you’re not cramming it down my throat) but your ability to treat others with genuine kindness and compassion sure matters to me. And I don’t give a flying fuck how you want to identify… be a Martian, I’m totally cool with that, but bully others in my presence and I will come at you with the full force of nuclear pasta (look it up).

The last handful of months (I’m assuming here) has caused most of us to pull up and examine those deep in the corner of our brain concepts. You know the ones – the ones that might get you questioned by The Thought Police if they existed outside of fiction. It’s ok, we all have those little bastard notions creeping around… no matter the skin colour. I started to take a closer look at some of the things I think and how they would affect others if I wore those thoughts on a t-shirt. Needless to say, I’m not super impressed with myself. Because while I know with all my heart that I am not a racist person, I do recognize that I buy into and perpetuate some stereotypes. And I have zero excuses. This admission makes me a bit uncomfortable, but I’m ok with that… I can learn through discomfort.

I hear many people talking about and referring to white guilt.

-          White Guilt: ‘the feelings of shame and remorse some white people experience when they recognize the legacy of racism and racial injustice and perceive the ways they have benefited from it’.

I do not feel shame and remorse as a white person. As a human being, I am ashamed of how many of my fellow humans treat those who do not look the way they do or do not come from the same background. Do I believe there is a legacy of racism and racial injustice? Yes, 100%. Have I benefitted from this because I am white? I may be too dumb to answer this correctly. Or maybe too white? Or maybe I’ve had blinders on because based upon my own level of perception, I’ve always struggled to navigate my own existence therefore only know what has directly prevented me from being who and what I want in this world?

I underlined ‘level of perception’ because as the quote goes: “I stopped explaining myself when I realized people only understand things from their level of perception”

Earlier I said there were so many things I didn’t understand about George Floyd’s death and the protests etc. but here is something I do comprehend - there’s a big difference between understanding someone’s plight and being understanding of someone’s plight. Sympathy doesn’t require a total understanding of what problems other people are experiencing.

I may not fully grasp the struggles of those in the black community because it is not my experience but I will not ignore, deny or challenge their struggles. I will however educate myself on the issues, observe my own reactions and offer support in the ways I can and offer compassion to anyone who is willing to accept a little love from a min Hulk.

Nothing I write here is meant to change your mind. It is not meant to offend or shame you for how you may feel or think and nothing I write here is meant to lessen the seriousness of the current situation facing an entire community of people. As a writer my only goal is often to just disrupt your thoughts. Period.

[ohblackdiamond]

little t&a (paul/gene, nc-17) (part 3 of 29)

          Paul fretted and complained ad-nauseum. He didn’t want to see the psychic this soon; it was too much pressure. He didn’t have any clothes. Or rather, he had clothes, just nothing he wanted to wear. Gene knew he had at least two dresses—the black floral with the bell sleeves from his drag birthday party back in January, and a black polka-dot number from another party—and a substantial assortment of women’s blouses. What he didn’t have, and what Gene knew for a fact he didn’t have, was anything that fit correctly. No pants that would’ve worked. All Paul’s blouses and dresses were cut far too widely at the shoulders for him now. He’d be drowning in them.

           “Look, Paul, you can’t run around in a bathrobe all day,” Gene countered, although he suspected that was what Paul had been doing for most of the last five days. “What did you wear to Peaches?”

           “The dress from my birthday. It’s in the washing machine.”

           “Are you even wearing underwear?”

           At any other time, with a girl that looked like Paul, the question would’ve been a teasing come-on. Right now, it was a serious indictment of his hygiene.

           “I have on boxers.” Paul shot him an aggrieved look as he said it. “What’s it matter to you, anyway?”

           “They’re probably about to fall off, is why it matters.” Gene grunted, trying to think. “What shoes did you wear out?”

           “I stuffed some heels with tissue paper.”

           That was a start, at least. Gene sighed.

           “You’ll feel better with real clothes on. And I’ll feel better when your tits aren’t falling out of your bathrobe.”

           Paul glanced down reflexively and bit his lip, untying and then retying the robe a little more snugly.

           “I’ll get the other dress,” he mumbled, padding out of the kitchen without a backwards glance. Gene watched him retreat, waiting until he heard the bedroom door shut before he got up and opened Paul’s pantry door again, pushing past the groceries he’d already shelved.

           He didn’t really expect to find anything good in there. Paul was almost pathologically afraid of gaining weight. He was always at his worst about it right before tours, too. Gene would catch him at the pool, staring at his chest and stomach like they’d personally offended him just by existing at all. He honestly seemed to think he could starve his way into a set of abs. The burden of being the band’s sex symbol, Gene supposed, pushing aside some packages of instant ramen and TVP (weird, if Paul was trying vegetarianism, that’d just add another expense to their tour budget—not that they’d have a tour if he didn’t get fixed) to find a small, shameful stack of Hershey’s chocolate bars.

           He deserved something after the stress and frustrated arousal of the last hour or so. Gene took the entire stack of candy back to the kitchen island. He hadn’t even sat down before tearing into the first chocolate bar, and he’d only gotten two rows of it down his throat before Paul reemerged, in the black polka-dot dress from the drag party.

           For a minute, Gene forgot he was eating.

           Oh, the dress didn’t fit right. Too baggy in the shoulders, as expected, and the style was frumpy, not really showing off his figure much, besides his chest, still not contained with a bra. But Paul looked… pretty good. Definitely better than he had in the bathrobe. His curly hair was a lot less matted, and it seemed like he was standing a bit straighter.

           “Cute.”

           Paul shifted uncomfortably.

           “I still don’t want to see the psychic today.”

           “I haven’t made an appointment yet. It’s fine.” It was late afternoon, anyway. Gene didn’t know what hours psychics kept—if Ace was their clientele, chances were good they weren’t nine to five—but something kept him from trying Suzie’s number yet. He wasn’t sure if it was just not wanting to put Paul through more discomfort than he had to today, or if it was something else. Something like wanting to spend some time with him.

           “You’re eating my candy.”

           Gene snapped a clean row off the chocolate bar, holding it up to Paul like an offering. Paul shook his head.

          “I’ll pay you back with dinner, then, how’s that?”

           “Will you?”

           “Dinner and a movie.”

           “Oh, come off it, Gene—”

            “Takeout and a movie. How about it?”

           “Only if it’s on Masterpiece Theatre.”

           “No. You’re fucking miserable. I’m getting you out of the house at least for the movie bit.” Gene started to smile, reaching over and sticking the last bit of chocolate in Paul’s mouth on impulse. Paul looked embarrassed, but he took it, licking his lips after he swallowed. It was more distracting than Gene had expected. “Have you seen Smokey and the Bandit yet?”

           “No.”

           “I haven’t, either. C’mon. You can drive us to the movie theater.” In what he hoped might be the clincher, Gene added two words he’d rarely spoken. “I’ll pay.”

           “But it’s like you said. I don’t have a license right now.”

           “You’re also an ex-cabbie. I’m not too concerned.”

           Paul’s brows were still furrowed. But it looked like he was considering it.

           “Then what about getting recognized? Maybe I don’t need to worry about that right now, but you do, and—”

           “So let me worry about that, okay? Just relax.” He was trying too hard, maybe. Shrugging off legitimate concerns. If Paul did get pulled over, chances were pretty good the officer would look the other way at his lack of a matching license. Gene could play the celebrity card if he had to in order to evade any real trouble. He was loath to do that under normal circumstances, and he didn’t enjoy the thought of breaking the law, if only by a supernatural technicality, but if it got Paul out of the house, then he’d go for it.

           Getting recognized at the movie theater was the problem—Gene didn’t know how Paul would react to cameras flashing in his face when he was like this—but he was prepared to risk it anyway. Besides, half of being recognized lay in dressing the part of a rockstar, and that went for whoever he had on his arm, too. The blue jeans and polyester button-down he was wearing right now were toned-down enough from his usual fare, and Paul’s dress was oversized and out of style. Hopefully, all that would let them go to the movies unnoticed.

           “Okay.”

           “You’ll go?”

           “Yeah. I’ll go.”

           “Good.” The corner of Gene’s mouth lifted up. “Cheapest date I’ve had in years, Paul.”

           Paul flipped him off and snatched the rest of the stack of chocolate bars back. It was, Gene thought, a small price to pay to watch Paul flush all the way to his neck.

--

           They didn’t get pulled over, and they didn’t get recognized. Paul opened the door for Gene into the theater, the way he always did, which afforded him some weird looks from the other moviegoers, but that was about it. Smooth sailing.

           Gene got takeout from a Chinese restaurant nearby afterwards. They ended up eating it in the car on the drive back, Paul picking out eggrolls from the boxes and stuffing them in his mouth guilelessly. Gene got the impression he hadn’t eaten all day. He even tried to eat the fried rice while he drove, with the box in his lap, but Gene put a stop to that, and after awhile he started sticking forkfuls of rice in front of Paul’s face as a compromise. Apart from nearly missing a turn a few miles from his house, it didn’t seem like it distracted Paul too badly. If he’d noticed Gene’s pants tenting with every forkful, he never mentioned it.

           In fact, it seemed like Paul was in better shape now. The only time he really faltered was when he turned on the radio, to check on the traffic, only for “Rock and Roll All Nite” to come blaring in. He didn’t say anything, but his shoulders slumped, and he turned it off so quickly, and so hard, Gene was almost afraid he’d broken the radio button.

           “We’ll get you fixed, Paul, I promise.”

           “What if we can’t?”

           “We’ll do it.” Gene didn’t want to think of the alternative. Paul had probably thought enough about it for both of them. They’d never be able to keep the band going with a girl fronting. Their image wasn’t right for that. Maybe Paul could keep writing songs, or Gene could pull some strings and get him signed to Casablanca as a solo act… no, that’d kill him. All of that would just kill him. Despite all the cracks forming in the band, Paul wanted to go solo about as much as Frank Sinatra wanted to join the Beach Boys. “Trust me.”

           Paul nodded dully, before glancing up at the rearview mirror. He seemed to only just then realize he was pulling into his own driveway.

           “Oh, shit. Did you want me to take you home? I forgot.”

           “Nah, it’s fine.”

           “You sure? I don’t mind driving.”

           “I’m sure.”

           “Then use my phone and call your chauffeur.” Paul parked the car, automatically trying to put the keys in a pocket the dress didn’t have. Gene shook his head, getting out of the car.

           “It’s past eleven. I’ll just stay at your place.” That was better for both of them. More convenient than Gene having his driver take him home, and then back the next day. Plus, he figured Paul could use the company. He had the feeling the kid who’d brought his groceries and Peter were the only other people Paul had spoken to since he’d been cursed. “Hell, I’ll even shower.”

           “You’d better.” Paul unlocked the door, letting him in. Gene stepped inside, expecting Paul to point him toward the guest bedroom. Instead, he hesitated, taking off the tissue-stuffed heels and sticking them on a shoe rack without a word.

           “I will.”

           “Would you stay with me?” Paul burst into the words all of a sudden, then added, “Not like that. I don’t wanna fuck you.”

           That made one of them, Gene thought dryly. God. Someone as self-conscious as Paul couldn’t be completely oblivious to the effect his new form was having on Gene. Couldn’t think Gene was just teasing him. Gene wasn’t sure if it was denial on Paul’s part or what. Sleeping in the same bed as Paul, when Paul was a shade under six-foot, hairy-chested, and guaranteed to be prickly-faced by noon had never been an enticing prospect, just something he’d had to deal with every so often over the years. Sleeping in the same bed as Paul now that he was a chick…

           “I’m the same person, you know.” So he wasn’t oblivious. Gene didn’t know if that was reassuring, as he followed Paul into his bedroom. The bed was unmade, and the whole room smelled like Aramis cologne. “Just don’t wake me up with a hard-on. I’ll make it up to you later.”

           “Sounds promising.”

           “Shut up.” Paul opened one of the dresser drawers, thumbing through the contents. “You still sleep in pajamas?”

           “Only if I’m spending the night alone.”

           Paul tossed a pair of pajama bottoms in his face.

           Paul generally slept naked or in boxers, as far as Gene remembered from the times they’d shared a hotel room. Selfishly, he was hoping that wouldn’t have changed. The glances he’d gotten of Paul’s breasts earlier were mostly too brief for proper appreciation.

           Instead, after Gene had showered and put on the borrowed pajama bottoms, Paul got a t-shirt and another pair of boxers out of the dresser and headed off to the bathroom, returning with them on, the hem of the shirt nearly lined up with where the boxers ended. Disappointing, but not surprising.

           “You don’t have to cover up because of me.”

           “If I thought you couldn’t keep your hands off me, I wouldn’t have asked you to stick around.”

           Gene didn’t know how to answer that.

           Paul tossed and turned that night, which wasn’t abnormal for him, but kept Gene up. At one point, the twitchy way he kept moving around made him tempted to ask Paul where his hand was, but he bit back the comment, reaching over instead to find Paul facedown against the mattress. Gene grasped his shoulder.

           “You’re making the bed creak,” he mumbled out, and felt Paul still against him for a few gratifying seconds before he fell asleep.

--

           The truth was, Paul had been trying to get off.

           He had been every night for the last three nights, once the initial horror had worn off enough for him to be dejectedly curious. It hadn’t ever worked, and not just because he’d get spooked before he got very far. Every time he slipped a finger inside—not even a full finger, just barely past the first knuckle—it honestly hurt. Even tracing a finger across his clit wasn’t some quick-trigger to pleasure the way he’d always assumed. Everything just felt sore and tender.

           He knew it couldn’t be a virginity thing. A regular chick could get off on her own without a problem. He’d seen that plenty. He was just stuck. It figured, really, to get trapped in a body that couldn’t even orgasm properly. No distractions from how damn miserable he was, with his life caving in on him, Gene totally unable to hide how much he wanted to fuck him—and the worst part was, Paul couldn’t find the dignity or the self-respect to call him out on it. Some pathetic part of him was actually enjoying the flickers of want that kept crossing Gene’s face. He’d never garnered Gene’s attention as a guy, not that he’d expected to, but—

           He was thinking too much. He hadn’t been able to call up Hilsen since this shit had started, which didn’t help at all. But what could a therapist say to him now, anyway? Could he self-help his way into getting his dick back? With the way things were going, nothing was going to happen. He’d thought Peter’s coke habit was what would put them all out on their asses. But instead it looked like Paul was the one who was about to destroy the band just as they’d gotten a top-ten hit. He’d never get to play for another audience again. In a couple of weeks, he’d have to leave his own house and be assumed missing or dead, with all his assets taken by his parents. Then he’d probably be living on Gene’s dime for as long as it took for Gene to quit feeling pity for him, and that was if he was lucky. That was if Gene and the other guys didn’t take all matters into their own hands and get another frontman. Probably use one of his abandoned makeup designs for him, too. Paul exhaled softly against the pillows, too sickened by the thought to want to pursue it further.

           But something had happened. Just for a little bit, when Gene had touched him. Paul’s hand was between his thighs, furtively searching for a little warmth, and then he’d felt Gene’s fingers curve around his shoulder. Not rough, and not tender, just there, firm and steadying. Paul’s hips twitched almost on their own at the touch, and all of a sudden, something hot burst deep within him, and he felt his own fingers actually sliding briefly against his folds. Just briefly. For the first time, he’d gotten wet.

           He lay there a long time, past when Gene’s hand slipped away as Gene fell asleep, caught between trying to will that feeling back and fearing he’d only wake Gene up in the process. In the end Paul compromised, shamefully, scooting up close enough that he could smell the faint tinges of Chinese food on Gene’s breath as he slept. He’d forgotten to offer him a toothbrush before bed.

           Paul couldn’t remember daring to touch him, but he must have, at least in his sleep, because he woke up early the next morning with his face pressed against Gene’s bare arm, and drool pooling on the sheets.