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singularname · 5 years ago

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ooc: First anyone can comment on this post or like it. If you want to ask me questions my ask box is open. I am more than willing to answer questions you may have.

A more cohesive list of my comments and thoughts on cats 2019, let it be known it is still hot garbage and still does not belong in the jellicle junkyard. Before I go on, I want to say, Cat’s is my favorite musical. I RP Munkustrap. To critique any version (and their are lots) you have to love The Musical. Any other critique is objectively a person who will rate it badly. Cats was never going to do well, it never has despite its run length through tours and different countries. Cats has never been viewed well by critiques, and is hugely hated in the theater community which is why when you see and read those reviews you have to know they have a preconceived notion of what cats is, and that is that its weird and therefore they cannot like it.

The three biggest critiques I see of the movie (and the show for the first one) is their is no plot, which I will discuss in this review how their in fact is one, how its horny and if you thought the movie was horny well John Partridge is knocking at your door asking if you’ve had your sexual awakening yet, and that the CGI is bad, which yes it is. My goal is to show why some of these are a bit unfounded but also let you see why a person who likes the musical is so disappointed that this movie only perpetuates that this musical is a joke.

Now onto the review. It is around 10k words, so negatives are under the cut.

Positives:

Robbie tried really hard, but sadly he wasn’t enough. He had a few off beats such as his initial intro, and his smile at the end that was weird. But he was good, and he made the shit show of gumbie cat and tugger’s song slightly better by joking with jenny any dots which was one of the best jokes in the whole movie.

Jennifer was a good Grizabella. Anyone making fun of her snot has forgotten Anne Hathaway singing I Dreamed a Dream, and should rightfully shut up.

The rewritten plot was bad, but the song that fit the best with the adaptions made for this horrid movie, besides Skimble’s song which I will talk about in a second, was Bustopher Jones. In the original his number is all about how well respected he is, but people remember his song is a story to make him seem better, we should not be surprised he is dumpster diving for food at all, sorry of a reality hit for old busty but its the truth.

Ian was a good choice for Gus, it was very similar to John Mills’ portrayal with only a bit more backstory. What was missing was a back and forth between someone, such as Jellylorum. Monologues are great but having a scene partner is better because that energy helps momentum and you feel things. Gus is arguably the slowest song, and it needs some livelness and no Misto’s little magic trick was not enough.

Mungo and Rumple were good. I hate the debut version of the song and they made me like it. For those wondering why we didn’t get the fun jazz number and got this slow moving one its because it came from the Debut on West End. The issue with the slow moving one is it falls in the middle where the pacing is already slow packed with more slow songs so it can seem a bit boring. I also wish Rumple kept her accent up.

The idea of the rundown theater/ballroom was really good. It allowed for a very similar feel that the junkyard presents with props and such for the cats to use. The issue is it was not our set the entire time and we are constantly taken out of it.

Skimble’s number was probably the best in the entire movie. It had the feel of the original with freshness from the tap which was genius. The tap dancing added the sounds of the railway in the same way the cats original make the train whistle noise. And the guy tapping was one of the originators of the Mad hatter in The Royal Opera House’s Alice in Wonderland so he was good. The issue with Skimble is the cut to the train and rail station which I will get to.

Negatives:

Three categories

Plot ( songs, characters, dance ), Technical ( movie stuff, CGI, proportions ), Anything I forgot.

Plot

Lets start generally. People say their is no plot even though Hooper attempted to “give” it a plot he failed. Their was no reason because all Hooper did was not only drop his plot halfway through, but he didn’t adhere to his own rules, nor did he need to add a plot at all. The dialogue was clunky at best, and not funny.

So the plot that Cats has always had is said almost immediately after the opening numbers. It is said by a grey cat that unless you know the musical you don’t know the name of but considering his prominence in the musical you know he’s important. He has solos in most songs, and even more in the movie. In the stage show this plot is seen through with a few interuptions. But here is he plot of the stage show for you. The jellicles come together for a ball where a cat will be chosen to be reborn. At times you get this threat, a cat by the name of macavity who you never seen he’s just scary. The cats ask who will it be, and the reason the songs are sung is because the cats are suggesting names of who it could be hence “i have a gumbie cat in mind...” This goes on for a bit their are two songs that don’t seem to fit in this formula, technically three, Grizabella’s songs (not memory), Peeks and Pollicles, and Growltiger’s Last Stand. Grizabella’s songs are to point out who she is and how she is distinctively not a jellicle, or no longer one. Peeks and Pollicles is entertainment they got a whole night to waste before dawn. The same can be said of Growltiger, but it is also paired with being Gus reprising a role more or less. The last two are for entertainment, just like the Jellicle Ball song where jellicles literally describe what kinds of cats they are, its also a bit of a mating dance but hey they are supposed to be cats. So we get to Macavaty he has threatened to appear quite a few times, he is scary, that is all we know. His song is sung as a cautionary tale to the audience and the kittens, he then finally appears and fights and hurts the protector among a few others and takes The Leader Old Deuteronomy. The cats are a bit distraught, then elvis cat struts in and is like what about Misto the magic guy. He then proceeds to say what Misto can do before Misto officially appears as Misto, he has been their all along though using his powers subtly to help the show progress he’s confident if their is something he is unsure about its where his powers come from. Misto brings Old Deuts back, and then Grizabella makes one last plea to the cats IN FRONT OF THEM explaining what happened and such. She gets the touch she craves and Deuts chooses her no words needed. Her plea isn’t part of a competition, it is one to be accepted being chosen is a secondary thing to that. Then we the audience get addressed formally like we did at the beginning a la “are you blind when your born” but this time its like “so you’re not a cat, so now you get us a bit more.” Then it ends.

The movie takes this fairly simple plot of party, guessing who could be chosen, we have to wait a bit before the choice can be made, threat appears, leader who makes the choice disappears then comes back, makes the choice, and turns it into a farce. Something that TS Eliot would hate. TS Eliot didn’t want his cats to be pussy cats, he wanted Hot Gossip. He didn’t want something cartoonish, which is why Andrew was given the rights in the first place. The thing is poetry should not ever be spelled out for you, is up to you to interpret, and these songs and plot is pieced together straight from Poetry. Hooper fucked with that vision, I mean Macavity falling at the end shows this perfectly, that was something you see in a damn cartoon.

The plot Hooper added didn’t work because he dropped it like halfway through. It was no consistent and because their were so many breakaways to the barge letting you see the barge instead of just thinking these cats are in perilous danger it ruins the steaks of not having them there. The plot was bad.

Additionally, and I’ll speak more on this a little later, when the cats are taken away you lose chorus cats. The only cats that are not in the entirety of the show are Bustopher Jones and Growltiger who are generally played by the same actor as the true range for them is that of an opera singer which you would never know looking at this movie.

Songs

Overture: It was weird. I thought the throwing a cat out of a car was a bit harsh and unnecessary. Also the choreography didn’t work. The camera did not know what to do. Additionally, their was some very bad CGI with opening said back. The individual cats did not get their little moments like they do in the stage show which only made them all blend together.

Prologue: Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats: It was drastically cut. Not all the cats get their correct solos, or solos. Some were duets which takes away from the individuality of certain cats. It again like the overture was messy with choreography with the camera not knowing where to go or who to look at. The beauty of the cinematography of the 98 production is you got to see the full stage when dancing happened so your eye could find a focus, you could focus on what you want. We are robbed of that with the choppy cutting and the camera telling us who to focus on. Its poor film choice. Cats a musical that is more music based than les mis you can’t just cut back and forth in a duet or in a song to who is singing like you can with les mis ( which hooper also fucked up ). Also what was with only like five cats singing the solos. I’m sorry this is when we are supposed to meat the chorus, this was like a bad choir rehearsal.

The Naming of Cats: Blink and you’ll fucking miss it. They make such a big deal about a second name but then ITS CUT! They don’t name any second names, only boring first names. Like why even include the fucking song if you aren’t going to tell us character’s names or second names. This would have been a perfect moment with the sloppy cutting to at least let us put names to faces. Everyone walked out of that theater not having a clue that the silver dad cat was Munkustrap cause as important as he is his name is said once in a song, that isn’t about him. This song was pointless in the movie because they cut so much of it.

Invitation to the Jellicle Ball: So much is cut. So much. We don’t get solos from more than Munk. Its such a sad song with how much is cut and how important it is. It gives us Victoria’s solo which is also cut in favor of a Pas De Deux, which I get you got two great ballet dancers as your leads, but like let her have her damn moment since your so focused on making sure she is the focus of the movie.

Also my second fault to Munk, aside from him having no confidence or the write key in his first line “Are you blind when you’re born.” His solo here is weirdly paced and he doesn’t speak with confidence like he is telling a story, it sounds like he is speaking fast, and just not caring what he is delivering. If your audience conduit is confused the whole time, like this chick is, then don’t rush the deliverance of what the plot is.

This song also tells us the point of the musical and invokes the question “who will it be” which traditionally leads to the cats singing songs about different cats who may or may not appear suggesting who they think could be chosen. The competition which is completetely stupid, having each cat sing their song does not work. Most of the songs are songs sung by other cats about cats. Hence the opening line of the next number.

Gumbie Cat: Rebel Wilson cannot sing well. She has decent pitch. But she cannot sing well, nor does she understand the character. She calls Jenny lazy and fat. The stage version she’s essentially the opposite. Jenny is not a fat joke. She is busy cat who doesn’t get out much, but she does alot of good.

The cockroaches and mice. Besides bad CGI aside, this concept was poorly executed. It was a good concept, a good theory but the execution made it bad. In the stage production the cats in the junkyard portray the mice and cockroaches because its an act its like a play within a play. Here we get badly CGIed kids in mice costumes that ever version of the damn Nutcracker has done better. We get tap dancing cockroaches. However unlike with Skimbleshanks’ number, we do not get to focus on the tap or the clarity of the tap because of the poor filmography which I’ll talk about later.

This number was pretty much ruined by Rebel making a joke out of the whole. Additionally, she zips off her fur. Like its not a coat, or a bigger bit of fur its her literal fur. Its just wrong and it looks cartoonish which again TS Eliot did not want for his cats poems.

Rum Tum Tugger: Jason was a smart choice, but he also did not care about the number. He wasn’t giving it all he had. He has the vocals for it, but he wasn’t giving it. The dancing in this number suffered, none of the kittens or cats in general seem to be loosing their shits over him. They seem more happy about the damn milk.

Many critics say the movie is horny, let me tell you this number has nothing on John Partridge or any person who has ever played Tugger. I mention John because he is the only one who really went their with the hip thrusts and the kittens were the only ones willing to get up in there. Their was no fear the in 98 version, here they all seemed scared to show anything more than emotion. In a song that helps define some of the chorus cats we don’t get any definition from them.

Alot of people hate some of Rebel’s jokes, but the one that Robbie teased her about was well timed and much better than the rest of the jokes in the movie. It seemed natural and not forced. It also kind of goes with the traditional relationship of Jenny and Munk, and how they view Tugger.

This is the only time we see Tugger til the very end with Munk’s song. Because he sings a song, and its not for the competition it already fucks with the plot that Hooper set forth and thus doesn’t really fit into the narrative that Hooper is trying to weave. He should have left it. Originally the song is a mix of the adult cats and the kittens talking about Tugger and having Tugger more or less clarify for them. Its a waste of his character to be honest, and a waste of Jason’s actual talents.

Grizabella the Glamor Cat: Why do we need to know her specific backstory. Her costuming and song should be enough to tell the audience what we need to know. This is classic example of telling not showing, which is a big no no in writing.

Also because of how the beginning of this movie has gone we have no connection to the damn cats singing this song. Two of them typically have had parts in two other songs by now, and one of the cats is a “psychopath” as t-swiftizzle has said and doesn’t appear til much later in the movie. Like why do these cats care. The apprehension from the stage show is not there.

Kudos to Robbie for keeping the strange relationship up where he is hairs standing on end, but still admonishing the rudeness. However it didn’t seem to have an effect. These actors are so scared to touch each other, why would they make fun of and scratch at a cat they aren’t supposed to like. The song had very little agency because of how it was performed and who performed it because we had no connection to those cats prior. Jennifer tried but damn its hard to carry a whole shit show on your back even if Robbie is trying to help.

Bustopher Jones: I said it above and I’ll say it again, this was probably the best integrated song into the plot, while the shit plot still existed. However James Cordon’s jokes did not land. He didn’t carry himself as a distinguished cat in those deliveries which would have helped the character. I didn’t mind the junk and garbage surfing because it gives you a bit of a realistic look on what he probably does at the clubs and such. Think of him like a bit of a dirtier version of lady and the Tramp.

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer: Again I said it above, this number objectively wasn’t bad. They took a song that I found grating and made it fun to watch and sung pretty well. However again it doesn’t fit into the contrived plot that Hooper was trying to form. Having Victoria there seemed very stupid, I will say more about how she is a poor choice for an Audience insert later. But she did not need to be there. The glory of Mungo and Rumple’s song is that no one is there, and they are taking a mick out of everyone who thinks they are Macavity. Whether it is the West End debut version, or the faster brassier verseion of the 98 show, they are alone making fun of the fact that they fooled everyone, and explain why they can do it through their song.

Old Deuteronomy: It was fine, decent. Until Judi Dench opened her mouth. I am bitter that Tugger didn’t sing the song with Munk but considering how much of the song was fucking cut what would he have sung? That is another issue this musical had, they cut so many songs, and left in songs that weren’t needed or added songs not written by TS Eliot originally at all. You miss the softer side to Tugger by not having him sing or even be here.

Judi Dench, she’s a great actress, she was not a great Old Deuteronomy. This has nothing to do with the fact that she was a woman. I would have been happy if it was Julie Andrews or Maggie Smith ANYONE, but Judi Dench. Judi can’t sing, the talk singing she did was pitchy at best. And the issue is Old Deuteronomy is one of the more powerful singers in the show. Not only that, Judi just did not command any presence. It wasn’t that she was small, it was just that she didn’t draw you to her, the camera had to do that. She molded into the background and none of the cats aside from Munk interacted with her, which made her seem like a stranger and not a cat that these other cats love and trust.

Jellicle Ball: I am crying for Gillian Lynne. This in the stage show is what many call the orgy number. It is more or less a mating dance and where we get the lovely victoria having her second big solo, followed by a lovely pas de deux with Plato who later becomes Macavity which I find intriguing.

In the movie we get Jason asking if its okay to party then they try to bring up the tempo by cutting the music awkwardly. This song just does not work with the choreography given to it. I am sure the Les Twins are great dancers, but first why couldn’t their cat names have been Coricopat and Tantomile they seemed to serve a similar purpose. Second why were they in this. The shoes ugh, but the hip hop does not match the song at all. The stick out and are just awkward.

Instead of this being a beautiful dance, with amazing choreography we get a very strange dance circle after the choreographer attempted to have the dancers dance on the softer notes and down beats, which does not work in a song with very hard up beats, and that isn’t a ballet number. The choreography over all just didn’t fit and seemed ill timed at best.

Also all of the damn lyrics were cut. The Jellicle Ball essentially explains what a jellicle is, which is what Victoria wants to be yet its not fucking explained to her, its poorly explained through dialogue and even then she doesn’t know. Like why take out the lyrics of this number. It made no sense.

Grizabella’s Reprise: Unlike the first song being in front of people, this song isn’t. But if I recall cats are watching. This is where we get the first inklings of memory. This is her plight. Its ruined by Victoria.

Beautiful Ghosts: I will say straight up I am not a fan of T-Swiftie her songs are petty at best, and this one is no different. This song was not needed. We did not need this blatant reason for Victoria to connect with Grizabella, we didn’t need it forced. The beautiful thing about the stage show is the touch and connection between Victoria and Griz is that it happens at the end of the show, and ITS NATURAL and is in combination with Jemima/Silabaub.

The song’s words are written by Taylor, and everyone is saying it fits so well with the musical and it doesn’t. We have no reason to feel bad for Victoria, yes she was dumped out of a car, but we know nothing about her past, and the song doesn’t do anything but allude to what happened. It is the epitome of “I had bad shit happen to me my whole life, but at least your life was good.” It is a song that completely lacks empathy. Sympathy is when you say “well it could be worse” and the last thing Grizabella wants is fucking sympathy. She needs someone to feel with her, not say it could be worse. This song is horrible with a horrible message and sung by a person who can sing well. BUT, its sung by the wrong character, and with the contrived plot that is being forced down our throats, it does not fit into the plot because we don’t know anything about Victoria at all.

Also it greatly irks me that everyone was okay with adding a song that wasn’t based of Eliot’s poems. Every single song in the stage production is a variation of one of Eliot’s poems whether published or not. It is a butchering of his work in a whole new way saying “here we’ll make it better” which is a huge insult to a poet.

The Moments of Happiness: Is it even in the movie? IDK, if it is its probably pitchy and sing talked all the way through, and does nothing for the story or anything. I think it might be when Deuts is looking out the window. But like the song is an addressing to the cats, kind of like an introduction or a toast for the Ball.

Magical Gus/Gus the Theater Cat: Ian was a smart choice, like John Mills he was a smart choice. BUT, the number felt long. John Mills’ number ran long and we didn’t get all of Mungo and Rumple’s song and Growltiger’s last stand was cut. Gus’ song is the slowest in the show. What helps the song have life in the stage version is Jellylorum singing with him. Actors in my opinion do better with a scene partner, and boy did this song need. It was slow and boring.

Growltiger’s Last Stand: We were robbed a good song. And what we did get, the one line we got was contrived and Growltiger’s song was reduced to a shitty villain song, on a shitty barge, to help this shitty plot. The worst thing is that this whole barge plot WASN’T NEEDED. We do not need to see people in danger to know they are in danger. It is better to not know than to know. This is the whole issue with upping Macavity’s role in the whole musical. A villain is better when they are unknown that’s why scary movies work.

I understand the original Growltiger song is racist, but they already cut songs, and they have shown no issues in changing lyrics, so they could have done. Growltiger originally is supposed to be a reenactment of a play that Gus did. The cats all help. This is another example of ruining the relationships the chorus cats have with each other, and robs them of characterization for us to see. Because remember in the stage show every cat is on stage 90 percent of the time, minus Bustopher, who I believe doubles as Growltiger because of the ranges and such needed. When we lose the cats we are introduced to the chorus becomes nameless faces and it makes me wonder why they are even there because they have nothing that makes them stand out.

Also because so much of Growltiger was cut we loose Griddlebone which is a fucking shame. We loose that tragedy of a tail. We loose a glorious opratic number. All for the sake of a shitty villain plot that had no real steaks at all because it all seemed so contrived and fake.

Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat: Possibly the best number in the show as it stayed the truest to its original form. It didn’t have much cut song wise. My issue with the song lies in the cinematography of it. This song I say rings the truest to the stage show because at the beginning we clearly see a formed railway track of beams. We get the lovely tapping to simulate the train which adds onto the other train sounds that are made in the number.

The issue is the fact that they take us out of the ballroom. There was no need for that. I will talk more about it later. But this number shows us the real issue with scale in this movie and how they have no clue how to address it at all. The cats at one point look like they are two inches tall, and at another point look like the scaling is correct. Their are many many bad bad jump cuts when they are on the actual railroad tracks. One was so bad you couldn’t even see the cast anymore. The scale is very off because it makes you question are they the correct portions when standing, or are they they correct portions when on their hands and feet.

The stage show manages to show everything this song showed within the confines of the junkyard, and it was completely feasible to do in the fucking ballroom but Hooper didn’t do that. When you have a big budget do not add unnecessary shots. That is what made the 98 version so great. They had a huge budget but didn’t over complicate the base show. The emphasized the dancing and singing and let those shine, and let the actors tell the story instead of letting the camera work and new shots tell the story.

Also the actor that played Skimble was Scottish I wish he let that come through. It would have made certain words and inflections just that much better.

Macavity: The Mystery Cat: In this stage show this song is a duet. In the movie is sung by T-Swizzle in order to get money from all her little fans. Taylor is an okay singer, i have heard better, and I have heard better for Bombalurina, both in seeing the musical live, and in the 98 version. They framed the song to be the one Macavity sings to show why he should be chosen but their are not cats to be chosen, remember that was the plot. Yeah its easy to forget.

Here’s the issue with how this song and its subsequent fight is worked out. The song’s lyrics are not changed so they talk about how bad Macavity is which in the frame of a competition to show your best qualities and why you should be chosen it does not fit. We know he was not going to get chosen, we knew from the beginning because it was shoved in our faces. Cats 2019 is a great example of a poorly written villain.

The song in the stage production is a cautionary tale told by two people who have likely had relations with Macavity. They are not only warning us the audience about him, but also the kittens who wonder who he is, who have never seen him. When you keep the context of the lyrics in with this new plot frame it doesn’t fit and only explains why he wouldn’t be chosen.

Additionally because its not a duet, and its sung by a cat we have never seen before, nor have any frame of reference for it doesn’t mesh well. Like why should we care?

Also the catnip. That is so pointless. Macavity is a magical cat, his powers to deceive and hypnotize are seen through his choreography in the fight seen with Munkustrap and Alonzo. But no we have to have magical cat nip spread by Bomby, Mungo, Rumple, and Griddlebone. Why even mention Griddlebone like this with the inclusion of Rumple if we do not get the song where we actually see just why she is an agent other than some lacky. Like this diminishes her character so much. ( And yes her inclsuion in the stage shows that don’t do growltiger like the 98 movie does also bug me this is not just a movie gripe, but the movie takes the stance to show us to her, but she is not the glorious white cat that is also so very evil, she is a wimpy little black cat who is scared that she is called out ).

Macavity’s fight seen mainly with Munk is taken away from us and given to the dumb barge cats fighting Growltiger. Again we have no real steaks in this fight. However we don’t see the barge cats again so why did it matter that we saw them off Growltiger? In the stage show, we actually see Munk, our silver tabby dad fight Macavity. It is a show of raw power that both he and Macavity have. It shows how dangerous Macavity is. It shows what cats do. They fight. We do not get this. We do not get see why all these other cats defer to Munk because his role as the protector is diminished to “I am dad cat hear me roar.” Losing this fight we loose alot of the connections we see between the main cats and the chorus cats. They all help each other, and want to fight. We see them care for a hurt Munk in the stage show. All that is gone and diminished to poor jokes, and twirling chains on a barge that looks about as real as a toy bathtub boat.

In the stage show, Macavity is scared away in this number. Which means he is still a threat but not for now. Not for the rest of the fight. Additionally this number we get the fake out of Deuteronomy coming back because that is how the fight happens. Macavity stole Deuteronomy just moments ago and to see Deut’s come back, we get a false sense of hope and a true feeling of Macavity’s madness. We don’t get that in the movie.

The movie boils him down to a bad villain in a cartoon. Which is the exact opposite of Eliot’s wishes. It is exactly the opposite of what Eliot wanted and why he was so scared to actually give away the rights to his poems.

Mr Mistoffelees: A song traditionally sung by the most confident cat in the musical Tugger, is sung by a character assassination in progress. This version of Mr. Mistoffelees tries to fit into the contrived plot of competing for a Jellicle Life and it fails miserably. A number that is traditionally loved by so many is utterly ruined by the lack of confidence in the entire delivery of the song. I will talk more about Mistoffelees’ character later.

But this song is riddled with so many starts and stops that we don’t actually get a climax to the song. And look Jason is back as Tugger, but his part is taken by Victoria, and the number just doesn’t work. I do not care what you ship. The number does not work the way it was sung or staged. Also Tugger shows back up in this number and when you think he is going to sing the a part its sung by Victoria, it cuts to her, and I was disappointed.

When Tugger sings the song, he tells you of a cat with powers. Powers that we see used throughout the show in subtle ways. Its not shoved in our damn faces. its used in helpful ways. In stage productions he opens the car for Jenny, He lights the stage lights for Peeks and Pollicles. Its all these subtle things, but he knows he is good at magic. Tugger knows this. Tugger sings it.

Victoria and Mistoffelees singing the song rips that all away. Mistoffelees has no confidence in himself though he used magic through the show, it was shoved in our faces. Victoria suggesting he can bring Old Deut’s back is completely pointless because the only magic she has ever seen Misto do is bad magic that only half worked. Now granted she has this insane ability to see the best in everyone and see them ALONE so like who knows.

But the number is ruined because their is no continuation or build up. And no conjuring turn come on. Also Robbie tried, but he is no Tugger. It feels weird coming from him. Like yes he encourages the cats, but like we also never see the other side of being parent, because they cut Peeks and Pollicles which I will discuss at the very end of the song section.

Beautiful Ghosts Reprise: I have no clue if this is before or after Memory. But Victoria’s agency in this number is so stupid. All her interactions with Grizabella were in private where no one saw. Her touching Grizabella means absolutely nothing to us as an audience for many reasons which I will go into later. But here it means nothing because Victoria means nothing to the Jellicles as she isn’t one.

Memory: If you have an issue with the snot go watch Anne Hathaway sing I dreamed a dream and come back to me okay. Tom Hooper has a fetish about that kind of stuff or something.

But snot aside IT FITS THE SONG! Grizabella is supposed to be sad. This is her moment, her chance to cry out for someone to touch her her. Her chance to be accepted again.

We get back to the contrived plot cause she sings a song for a chance to win. But the song does not fit into the contrived plot because even if we are following the shit plot, because of Beautiful Ghosts it seems more like she wants to belong again rather than a chance to go to the Heavy Side Layer hence why Beautiful Ghosts is a pointless song even more than it already was.

In the stage show, Jemima sings with Grizabella. She is a chorus cat mostly but this is her moment to shine. Victoria gets it which fine, but also takes away from the Jellicles accepting Griz because Victoria is not a Jellicle herself. Why on earth should these cats listen to her? They have no reason to. Also because not only was the initial touch done in private, because all these characters don’t interact with each other the touch is rendered meaningless which almost renders the song meaningless. Which is a shame cause Jennifer killed it.

Journey to the Heavyside Layer: It was fine. I could have done without the Macavity bit at the end that was literally pulled from a Tom and Jerry Cartoon, which again Eliot would have hated. Yes its acted by a real person, but its cartoon like in nature ( just like jenny zipper her fur off ) which is the antithesis of what Eliot wanted to become of his poems.

The Ad-dressing of Cats: Why was this song kept in? Out of all the songs this one more or less directly addresses the audience. They had Judi Dench break the fourth wall and stare directly into the camera which was uncomfortable, and not done well. I have seen staring straight into the camera done well in exactly one piece of film and that is Mr. Robot. Here it was weird and uncomfortable. No one seemed to know what to do. The chorus was stronger than Judi so her words were overpowered. She was pitchy at best, and just downright awful in this song.

Then she tells Victoria she is a Jellicle which... like yeah finish out your contrived plot Hooper, but all if it was pointless. And it ruins the “Victoria is the Audience stand in” because the song actually addressed directly to the audience was not addressed to our stand in. It does not match the opening at all which is also addressed to the audience in the stage show. The book ends don’t match and its weird.

When I say book ends, at the beginning the number asks questions about cats can you do this can you do that. At the end it asks you “so you get what a cat is now right?” Its a pretty clever way to begin and end a show. But the movie got lost and forget what it was doing so here it seems weird and out of place.

Peeks and Pollicles: A number that was cut. This number is one of my favorites in the musical because it helps waste time til the end. It allows the cats to interact with each other and Old Deuteronomy. It is one of the best numbers to see the interpersonal relationships between our chorus of cats and our main cats.

This number not being in takes all that away and does not let us see personality in any of the chorus cats. Even Mungo and Rumple fall flat because we do not get to see them not be evil or talk about being mischievous.

This number also provides context for what a Peek is. In Macavity the word Peek is said but if you have only ever seen the movie you have no idea what that word is. In the stage show we learn that it is a term for a type of dog. Additionally, when we take this song out, we also lose some plot context of the cats and the junkyard putting plays to help act out the songs of who they think it will be. And in this case what looks like to be a rehearsed play that the cats are determined to mess up and make our silver tabby go from silver to grey.

Dance

There was so much sacrificed for the sake of cinematography. A musical based in dance had barely any dancing shown because of quick cuts. And what was shown was often clunky and didn’t actually look feline. Nor did it match the music because the choreographer tried to hard to be like the greats who choreographed the nut cracker and other ballets. He also ruined Gillian Lynne’s choreography.

They looked like trained dancers when they danced. Which yeah is good, but they didn’t look like cats. Their hands were often turned up, when to make them slightly more catlike they should be turned down. None of them got comfortable with being on the ground. They all seemed so very very stiff which is the exact opposite of how a cat should be.

None of them understood how to dance like a cat.

The tap dancing in Gumbie Cat as opposed to Skimbleshanks is astonishing. The tap dancing in Gumbie Cat is messy and hardly focused on, when its the star of the stage show. It looks contrived and like they were trying to hard to recreate a scene from a famous black and white film. Also this is a CGI comment but if you look hard enough you can tell that the cockroaches are like the same three dancers copied and pasted over and over.

Contrast that to Skimble with his clear taps. Now the actor who played Skimble is known for tapping. He is a member of the Royal Opera House, which is a ballet company in England. His tapping was made famous when he originated the role of the Mad Hatter, with some brilliant choreography that he was given. His tapping hear shines. It is just a really good example of tap. And its a shame it had to share the stage with the cockroach crap.

The opening numbers was not given what it deserved by the cats jumping everywhere. The opening is a highly for the choreography of the show. Its supposed to show you what you can expect. In the movie it was just alot of jump cuts, and Misto fucking it all up, sorry not sorry. I did not fall for the cute factor. Additionally the choral portion was not choral. They did not line up thus when they line up at the end at Trafalgar Square, we have no reference to them doing this before. Its a shame.

Tugger did not dance sexually enough. I know I know I shouldn’t say this. But most actors who play Tugger try to do some variation of John Partridge’s version, with less hip thrusts. Jason didn’t even try, and thus none of the kittens were enthralled with him. It made the point of his song pointless. Additionally Tugger is one of the strongest dancers in the show in my opinion. He dances in every number and adds his flare. Because Jason is in the movie all of 5 minutes we don’t see this.

I am sure the Les Twins are great dancers. But none of that was showcased. They were pigeon holed into this and tried to fit and failed.

So much choreography was cut because so much of the songs were cut. Jellicle Ball has so many lyrics that are danced and they are cut. So much dancing was cut in favor of showing us Grizabella running away. In the musical that is subtle and you know WHY? its supposed to be it is not supposed to completely take our attention of of the magic that is happening with the dance. That is why Griz is chased away because she draws your attention to her. We didn’t need the camera doing that, and thus ruining the flow of the number.

Characters:

Munkustrap: Not much bad about him. He had a few off beats. He tried. Thought their are times where he looked bored, and his face was not good at hiding it.

Victoria: One face wonder, she is like the Maddie from dance mom’s of this movie. She’s got a Maddie face, and it made it hard to think she had any emotion at all because she didn’t emote. Also white cats are more often than not deaf which the musical often shows as mute because Victoria has no solos. For her to speak was jarring. The speaking was jarring in general but most of the lines coming from her was off putting.

Her not being a jellicle outright ruined any agency she had in the movie. She had more say in things like Misto and Griz than she should have had. The solo she was given was petty and very very condescending to Griz.

She was a bad audience stand in because in trying to keep her original stage role they tried to mix it with this new plot role and it just did not work. And made you forget what they were doing with the plot because the plot was so contrived.

I don’t get why she had to have stripes and spots. She’s a solid white house cat, not some fucking snow leopard.

Misto: He was ruined. He has forced us to see his magic, then doubts himself when asked to use it. He is not confident in himself and a bumbling fool. In the stage production he is confident. The only thing he doesn’t understand is where his powers come from. This is seen wonderfully in the 1998 version where he looks at his hands as he is shooting sparks from them. His character was ruined.

Skimble: Like Munk nothing wrong. But we don’t see him interact with the regular chorus cats so it begs to wonder why is he even trying to show them anything. They don’t seem to know him. Their is no connection between the cats with songs named after them and the chorus aside from maybe Misto.

Tugger: He was not John Partridge. Just watch 98 cats and you will see what you are missing when it comes to who Tugger is.

Jenny-any-Dots: She was mischaracterized by Rebel as being fat, lazy, and old. Her character of being a respectable busy cat who seems lazy to her owners is assassinated. Like their is a reason Munk likes her but that reason is gone in the movie.

Old Deuteronomy: Judy Dench was bad. She couldn’t sing, and commanded no real authority or presence. Robbie could only do so much to give that to her. But she did nothing to earn it.

Admetus/Rumpus Cat: Sadly gone from this movie, though probably because Rumpus would have been more cartoonish than Macavity was and they were already hurting Eliot’s legacy enough. Also I’m not sure we could have handled the camp superhero of Rumpus Cat in this shit CGI.

Alonzo: Was he there? I don’t know. The chorus cats were all a singular blob that did not stand out and had not individuality and personality. He interacts with Munk alot but we didn’t see that.

Asparagus: Not present, granted he wouldn’t have been present anyways because Gus was only present for his number (and that awful barge seen) but in the 98 version and most stage versions he is the chorus version of Gus the Theater Cat. In 98 he is argued to be a son of Gus, or just a younger version of Gus. Because remember what I said in the stage production every cat is on stage for about 90% of the time.

Bombalurina: She’s apparently psychotic in this version. Which she’s not, but also in the stage version she’s not either. Instead of being someone who survived the influence of a less than pleasing purpose she is henchman number one. The Smee ( but more coordinated ) to Macavity’s Hook.

Bustopher Jones: Was decent. James was good, but he also missed the mark with his jokes and they didn’t land well. We saw a more realistic version of him instead of the show’s idealized version which I was fine with. But his lines were wooden and not good. Hence why this show should not have spoken lines.

Cassandra: Was apparently there? She looked purplish I think or maybe that was Demeter. I don’t know but she was rude, and more catty than show Cassandra. But we don’t really know who she is because beyond the Glamor Cat song she along with Demeter disappear into the background with cats that don’t matter.

Coricopat and Tantomile: Replaced with Plato and whatever the other philosopher was played by the Les Twins. They didn’t fit in. Shoving hip hop into cats has been proven to not work, hip hop tugger anyone? So why they tried again here, I don’t know. But they failed. We loose these lovely mystical twins, and get stuck with twins in converse? Like why? What brought on that costume choice, why did that slip through?

Demeter: Could be Cassandra. We don’t know. She’s just a mean girl and not a traumatized cat who is the first to think a sign of danger is Macavity. She was robbed of her duet cause t-swizzle needs all the fame. Munk doesn’t get his moments with her cause VICTORIA! Ugh.

Electra, Etcetera, Exotica: Were any of them there? The world may never know. The movie didn’t show us faces to put with names like the 98 version did. So if they were there who knows. You probably would have no seen or heard them since most solos they had were covered by like four other cats only. And the rest of the chorus cats was a brown grey blob because those are the only cat colors apparently.

Grizabella: We did not need to be told her back story. The song alludes to enough. Jennifer did great though. I just wish her moments were not in so much seclusion. It ruins her final song. We are robbed of young Griz in the opening number.

Gus: Ian did great. He was the right choice, the went a John Mills route. But his number dragged. Ian also didn’t have any connection to anyone in the cast. Like when Misto talks to him his reactions make it seem like he does not care who these cats are now. It makes him seem stuck up rather than reminiscent.

Jellylorum: Apparently was a kitten? Sigh. She is supposed to give Gus as a suggest and sing his song with him as a duet to kind of play off of each other. It gives the number some action and liveliness. Even with all the cuts, the number still dragged.

Jemima/Silabaub: First her name varies depending on where you are watching the stage show. Whatever she had was given to Victoria. Apparently this is because that cat was based of ALW’s wife. Which like fine, but like Hooper can you at least be more cohesive with your plot if you are going to cut a character out?

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer: We see no real personality from them. Sorry but we don’t. We just see them scheming with each other because they are “evil.” We don’t get the story that the show or the 98 musical gives us. A moment i love from the 98 version is when Macavity does come Mungo ducks and covers his head with hands. It just shows that even Macavity’s own guys, cause Mungo is mentioned in the song not Rumple ( which leads me to think she came later or pulled him out of that ), but it shows just how scary Macavity is. And we don’t get that in the movie. In the movie we get them not knowing Macavity’s plan, which like what use are you then?

Plato: Commandeered by the Les Twins he is ruined. In the show he has a pas de deux with victoria and its a bit sexy and still gorgeous with the gorgeous famous overhead lift that the show is known for. He also doubles as Macavity cause again all the cats are on stage for about 90% of the musical save for a few.

Pouncival: Not there as far as I can tell. Which is a shame Pouncival is a cutie pie in the 98 version.

Tumblebrutus/Carbuckety: His name varies depending on what stage show you are watching. He is the one who tumbles alot. He may have been there, but because of the crappy cinematography whatever tumbling there was, we didn’t see.

Growltiger: Ruined to a poor attempt at a pirate on a toy boat barge.

Griddlebone: Ruined, and demeaned to a low lackey instead of a lavish cat who does with movie Macavity wishes he could.

Macavity: He became a cartoon villain as opposed to an actual threat. He wasn’t ginger, and his eyes were weird he was the only one with weird eyes. He wasn’t scary, any agency he had as a threat was ruined by shoving his badness in our face. They could have just had the cats disappear. Its like Tom Hooper saw a scary movie saw what made it scary, the unknown, and decided I’m not going to do that. Also any thing that would have shown his strenght is gone because hsi fight was taken away.

Any cat in the chorus is just a blob, or not CGIed. LOL. Part of this is because the cast does not interact with each other. In the stage production touch is important. Interpersonal relationships are important. We don’t get any of that. We are not used to touching and nuzzling thus when we see it is awkward. Not to mention the awkard rubbing noise we get when it does happen, it doesn’t help. The cast aside from the named cats, and munk have no personality, they fade into the back and its such a shame because each cat is so unique and different. Granted we wouldn’t know that since when they explain that in the stage show, they cut it out in the movie.

Technical Stuff

The first four songs are pretty much ruined because it takes just about that long to get accustomed to the strange CGI. The CGI is bad, I have seen better CGI cats in video games. Honestly I know makeup is time consuming, but it is cheaper than CGI. Better cats make up that isn’t just the theater makeup can be seen in Doctor Who. What made this CGI so jarring is the lack of noses and lips that looked like cats. We know via BTS pics that the actors wore make up. So why they couldn’t put noses on, or the line straught down to the mouth then curled up the ends of the mouth to give us a muzzle is beyond me. It looks like bad photoshop. I will never understand that decision.

I don’t care that dicks were CGIed out. That is not what made cats “sexy” in the first place. The dancing made it sexy. The CGI was equal to that of movies in the 90s and poorly made video games from the early 2000s.

From a film standpoint it was poorly shot. Tom Hooper does not know how to shoot dance. And it shows. He does so many swift cuts and pans that we don’t get a good view of what the choreography is.

We are too often forced to see things that are already obvious because of other tactics like shadows and voices. We do not need to see a cat disappearing via Macavity. We do not need to see so much yet our focus is taken from the group ruining whatever connection the group had to eachother and us the audience in order to show us bad dialogue and special effects to show capturing. I said it earlier its like Tom Hooper saw scary movies and said I wont do that I’m gonna do it like Tom and Jerry do, but that’s an insult to Tom and Jerry. Or he has never seen a horror movie in his life.

Their are far to many unnecessary scenes paired with jump cuts. We never get a sense of the group of cats as a whole because not only are they seperated from the only cats we know the names of, but we have to see where those cats are since we have to know they are in danger. No one knows of the thread, except like once, which is when Griz arrives. Its like the chorus doesn’t care, even though Hooper does his damndest to make sure we the audience care, but we don’t even our audience stand in doesn’t. These scenes are mainly Growltiger’s barge, and taking us out of the ballroom for Skimble’s number.

Now onto proportions. They are all over the place. A watch would strangle a cat, a ring would not fit around their wrist. They at some points can just reach a door knob, while at other parts barely reach a foot off the ground. The cockroaches and mice did not size down well. Skimble’s number had so many issues with size and cinematography which is a shame cause it was one of the best of the movie. The cats can walk on the tracks like with 3 feet on either side of their own. Yet we all know that is not correct. They look two inchest tall in comparison to the tracks. Yet we see them inside the train and they are like child sized. Then we have weird cuts to wide shots of the bridge which doesn’t help with proportion as one wide shot is so wide the cats nearly disappear. Another proportion issue was the stage in the ballroom it was a normal stage and they measured to it like a normal stage. The moon looked like something out of 1920s black and white film so was proportioned for a normal human, but the chandelier was big and felt oddly proportioned in the ballroom. Like it should not have been able to fit through the whole in the roof.

Tom Hooper did not know what he was doing with this movie. It is very clear he had no vision and did no know what the show was about hence why he had to push his new plot in while keeping everything the same so it seemed like hot garbage which is exactly what it was.

Tom does not know how to film dancing, and he has been notorious for cutting songs and such with Les Mis and he did it again. He cut songs, and then added a song which he did with Les Mis too. He messed up guys.

Back to the CGI for a minute besides the overall choice being bad because all the did could be done with practical makeup and would have looked better. It was poorly done. Their ar emoments when their is just color on the actor’s hands, when their is no color, when their is fur. Judi’s main is curled under her chin so it looks like a really bad fake beird. If you are in the background you may not be CGIed at all. There wer emoments where the connections did work such as feet on the ground, and Munkustrap helping Victoria off the car looked weird cause Victoria’s fur slid around but not with her body. And that is just a few things I noticed. The tails were good but like, it took away from the dancing.

Their was real awkward sound design. First of all the butchering of Andrews music to fit certain aspects like Tugger asking for the party to be turnt up. It was weird and didn’t fit. Additionally any moment where nuzzles or touches happened were awkwardly silent with a sound that sounds like the rubbing of a plasticky material together. None of which is helped by they never actually touch eachother because their is somoene blocking the camera. A show that has a character essentially scream “touch me” lacks touch one of the most basic cat interactions.

Breaking the fourth wall was jarring because it didn’t happen throughout. The 98 version gets away with it because they do it from the beginning. But this was weird. It was a poor choice, and an example of wanting to keep the original but it not coming across because of choices made prior.

Other Stuff and Random Thoughts

The movie was really confused at what it wanted to be. It wanted to have the original plot, but also this new plot which was forotten half way through and remembered again. Continuity was a huge issue with this movie. Victoria as audience stand in doesn’t work because the audience is addressed at the end. The jokes didn’t land. And the subtle jokes in the stage version are all but erased.

Cats would have never done well, even with an extended timeline and good CGI. If it was a perfect movie it would not have done well because it is Cats. Cats has never done well with critics. Its biggest fans are often children because they get the story because it is such a simple story. This movie forgot that, but also tried to make it easier to follow, but they failed cause it was confused.

This movie is a huge disservice to TS Eliot. Eliot did not want pussy cats, that is why he didn’t give the rights to Disney. It wasn’t that he didn’t want animated cats like in Aristocats. He didn’t want his cats to be like Tom from Tom and Jerry, which Macavity became more or less. Their were cartoon moments in the movie, and its a disservice to the Poet. Adding to his works with a new song is a disservice. Making the choreography so contrived because the new choreographer wants to show he has subtlties like Balanchine of Nutcracker fame was a disservice to Gillian Lynne.

The movie lost the vision of what cats is and was. It lost the vision of what a cat is because the cats did not act like cats. We never saw a true cat fight, or the cats interact with each other in ways that weren’t awkward. We never saw them being cats yet we are told that they are cause Judi told us so. They never acted like cats or moved like cats. Simple hand turning downwards instead of upwards, or bending of the legs, holding yourself a little differently that makes all the difference.

The move wasn’t aboslutely terrible, but it was pretty bad. I still think its garbage, and I don’t think its worthy of the title Cats because it was hardly that. A bigger budget does not mean cool CGI, and more shots, it means improve the basics to the very best. The Corridor Crew on Youtube say it best, if you can do it practically do it because it will always look better. This movie missed so many marks.

I say all this out of love because Cats is my favorite musical. But this movie failed. I wish it could be chosen to be reborn, but I’m afraid what we’d get. So I’ll stick with the stage production, if you can see a tour or any of the productions around the world do it. If not watch the 98 version, get the DVD because the one on youtube cuts out some good parts like Tugger playing bagpipes.

I wanted this movie to be good. I wanted to be proud to say I like Cats and I can’t unless I specify the stage version, because this version is not deserving of a like from me.

So I’ll repeat what I said at the beginning of this review, Cats 2019 is garbage that does not belong in the jellicle junkyard. Granted, no one from the 2019 movie or who has seen it would get that reference, but that’s okay. Us real fans know. We’re the true fans we get it. We will love this musical, but I say we cannot love this movie for so many reasons, and I hope I have laid out a few of my own.

#ooc: out of cats #cats 2019 #cats 2019 review #cats the musical

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