#Who are any of you and wheb are we going to talk about this

[purplearmy13434]

Nobody asked, but: Here's my interpretation to Namjoon's MV and lyrics to "Lost":

Okay so in the beginning of the MV we can see this little figure of Namjoon (which is absoluetly adorable), having a tag on its head which says "Inside Namjoon's Brain". This obviously means that the whole music video is presenting what's going on in Namjoons brain. That also means that every person in the MV is representing him or atleast his thoughts or part of his personality.

The video now zooms out of the little figure to show it being lost in a maze trying to find its exit. There's also other figures that look exactly like the zoomed in one. We can conclude that these are all figures of Namjoon, trying to find their way out of the maze.

Then the 'Lost-Show' comes on. We can see two MCs, who are introducing RM and his song in both English and Korean.

If you've read the newest Weverde article about Namjoons new album, you might already know, but let me summarize something important real quick: According to the article the MV of Come back to me is about the struggle to no really fit into society wheb you're bilingual (for example Korean American), because neither Koreans, nor Americans can completely understand your situation. If you wanna know more details about the article, here's the link.

As we know from the album announcement for RPWP on Weverse, the album talks about the feeling of not fitting into a certain place.

I think the struggle between cultures, as explained for the 'Come back to me' MV and the struggle of feeling like an outsider, are also closely linked to the 'Lost' MV.

Back to the two MCs. I'm guessing these two are two of his personalities that depict him being caught between two cultures and languages (English and Korean).

In 'Mini & Moni Music', where he's talking to Jimin about his songs, he also says, that 'Lost' is about someone who lost his way and that he wrote it, when he felt like that and had to distance himself a bit from the team, to find himself again. It can be connected to this struggle between Korean and English, because as the leader, Namjoon often translates for the group, due to his good English skills. He is expected to always be the translater, I wouldn't say by the members, but we can see in interviews, that some translators don't do their job that good, so Namjoon has to translate. So here's this pressure of him being seen as the translator, even though he's also Korean just like the others.

Moving on: Just as we saw those little figures of Namjoon in a maze in the beginning of the MV, we can now see different real life versions of him in a maze, as well as him as a cameraman and as one of the MCs.

Let me explain my thoughts on the role of the MCs in the MV: As I already mentioned, we obviously are inside of Namjoons brain and the different people in the MV depict different thoughts and versions and personalities of him. We already saw many doppelgangers of Namjoon that look just like him, but the two MCs are two totally different people that don't show similarities with him.

At first, they talk about him in the third person, there isn't any evidence that they are part of Namjoon. Except the cups standing next to each of them. The letters on the cups say "남준 안에", which is translated "Inside Namjoon". This is the only connection we have between them. A bit later we see him, filming the 'Lost Show', which is the first time, he is actively connected to them as a person and not just his name. But he is distanced from them, because he either performs on stage in the maze, or he is the cameraman. But after that, he suddenly IS one of the MCs. That means: He slowly comes closer to them. At first he is only connected through his name on their cups, then he is the one filming and performing and then he is one of them.

Shortly after, his head comes out of a hole in the MC's desk. He looks really lost. My interpretation of this is, that he can't decide between the two of them. We only saw him as one of the MCs for a short second. Maybe he tried to decide to only be one of them, but realizes that he can't just ignore the other oart of himself (the second MC). That is why, instead of being one if the MCs, he's now sitting in their desk (lmao) and looking confused because he can't decide where he belongs to.

He is now realizing that there are two parts of him that may even be contrary. In Mini & Moni Music he also talked about that. He said that he feels like a contrary person, that has many opposites, for example that he likes the quite but also wants to be loud at the same time. (Here's the link if you wanna watch the whole things, he's saying a few other things about being "contrary".)

We can see that Namjoon isn't on their height- level, he has to look up to them, because he is sitting inside the desk. I thought, that might mean that he only realized there are different parts of him, but he is still confused about where he belongs.

But even later in the MV, we can see the effort he put into finding his way into the desk. We can see him climbing a 'ladder' of people to reach the table of the MCs. Relatively at the end of the MV, these people, that made up the ladder, look up to where the 'Lost Show' is being performed and where Namjoon is. We can hear the cheers of people and it seems like he finally escaped the maze.

Namjoon is now standing between the two MCs. He is now on the same height level as them and doesn't have to look up to them anymore. Still, he doesn't really look that happy, standing there. His gaze is going back and forth between the two MCs. So even though he seems to did well on his performance at the 'Lost Show' and he finally reached the same level as the two hosts of the show, he's still insecure.

But what's important is that he worked his way through his mind. We can see the different rooms he's in during the video, the different buttons that light up in the elevator and the maze. We can see that he tried really hard to get to know himself even better and at last he realized that there are these contrary parts of him.

We can even see that in the lyrics, when he sings: " Dump it on the ground" and immediately after that he sings " Pick it up, throw it in the trunk". These two sentences are complete opposites, because in the first one it seems like he doesn't care at all by throwing (trash?) on the street, but then he says, to pick sth (maybe trash) up from the street and to properly put it away. Another example would be the 'I've never been to club before' and after that 'I hit the club' At first he seems happy to have never been there, but suddenly he wants to go there.

This may seem confusing, but as Namjoon mentioned in Mini & Moni: There's different and opposite parts of yourself, but that's okay, you can be both, you don't have to be the one, that everyone expects you to be. (Did you see the Spiderman Reference where three Namjoons stand looking and pointing at each other, confused, who's the real one? That's also an evidence). You can like being in quiet places but at the same time you are allowed to like being loud.

Realizing, that he is full of opposites makes him feel free "I've never felt so free before", "I never felt so fine before".

But as I already said, he's still confused and feels lost at the end of the MV, because of course, only realizing something, doesn't make you accept everything at once. As he's standing confused between the MCs, it shows the confusion between where you belong, because the line between for example two cultures or languages is blurred (for example when you're Korean-American, but even when you aren't, because 'Lost' is also a song mixed between English and Korean lyrics). You can't draw a clear line between these two identities and that's why you can't seperate them. That explains why both MCs speak a mixture of English and Korean and not one language each.

Now the last thing I wanna say to the lyrics. At some point, Namjoon sings about that he keeps tripping and I think even bleeding, but still not begging. I don't know if it's just my interpretation, but I thought that could mean, that no matter how lost he feels, he wouldn't beg for someone to belong to them, just to no feel lost anymore. He would try to cope with it himself or go to someone he really doesn't feel lost with, but not beg someone for belonging if you know what i mean.

When I first heard the song name, I expected a song with a bit more sad melodies, but after I listened to it, I thought that this upbeat melody seems like Namjoon is saying:" It's okay to be lost sometimes. Because it makes you think about who you really are and it helps you find your path. So even though feeling lost doesn't always feel good, it can lead to you feeling more free."

**

That was my interpretation of Namjoons "Lost" MV and song. Of course this isn't something that has to be true, this is just my opinion. I'd love to hear about what you think about it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this^^

[730hcck]

[ @itsyazmin ]

contact: yaz ✨

( sent ): i’n drunk, only god knniws wjere i aum, i htink im either e;thinkgin toi hard or ium having a heat struhjoke andn i known i fucked up

( sent ): i fucjed up the nonent the words left my mourh when you came uo to talk to me in the ljen fir the batgriom nad i mase youi wlak away grom me

( sent ): i fucke f uo the moment i didn’t just ask yiu to the party

( sent ): it was going tk be after my match on wednesday

( sent ): we were jb fhe trainers, rnemeber?

( sent ): i wa sholding ur habd, u were hilding uo an ice oakc ti me

( sent ): but when i nws gonna do it, you alreaydv said someone ekse asked yiu

( sent ): but that’s not reh inly time i fucked up

( sent ): i fucjmed up when j djdn’t kiss you at the mall

( sent ): wheb you grabbed my chin and yurned my head when j was lookjgn at us ib the mirror

( sent ): i shoudka kissed you an dtokd you nkt to go to the psrty with dom

( sent ): and be my date instemmmmed

( sent ): or at the djne r

( sent ): at ass o’clock in the mkrnjng - waking up early eveb though i’m nkt a morning person bc i didn’t wan tt o miss out on breakfast wirh you

( sent ): i shoild a just ignored that loud ass ugky ass bitch ass waitress who was far too happy on a morning

( sent ): or the nghtt at the club

( sent ): i dont remenber what happened after tbra asshole showed uo

( sent ): but j should have kissed you then

( sent ): at any point i shiudn shave kissed you

( sent ): ir that night i chdkdled you

( sent ): when you turne dalrind and i soooned yiu

( sent ): i shoukd gav turned y around and kissed your worries away

( sent ): or maybe that very first not-date. battlebsip

( sent ): i shoukd ahve told you i don’t car e what haooens to ys in the future - whether you’d “ruin” me ot nkt

( sent ): becaus e thatms a risk i’n willing to take if it means i get to know you

( sent ): but we bith didn’t expect that i’d be the one to ruin you, huh?

( sent ): i’ve been wanting to kiss you since that very first night.

( sent ): i think about kissing you all the time.

( sent ): would you have let me kiss you? did you want me to kiss you all those times?

( sent ): i’m sorry i suck at being just friends with you

( sent ): i’m sorry i let my jealousy blind me and treat you like shit today - you’re free to be with whoever you want. i guess seeing dom calling you his date had fucjifn blindsided me kien crazy even thi i alreaydvjnew you were comjng with him

( sent ): coming because of him. becayse be asked you, nkt me. becays e im always nksising the timjngs ont ehse things and now i’ve lost you.

( sent ): imn sorry it toon me so long to accept my own feelings and huritbg yours in the orocess

( sent ): the fucking doubeld stabdsrds are crayz and imm dk sorry evvayse you don’t deserve shit ljen that and i shouldnnt have been jeakous in the first when all i do is think with my dicke

( sent ): i’ll leave u alroen now, i hust saw your posts in the dashb and it’s oretty obvjous you din’t want me aroudn anymore

( sent ): but jf you want tk talk, just look uo at the stars ans talk to them

( sent ): i’m looking up at the stars and telling them all about my favorite person

( sent ): all about you

( sent ): and how much better you deserve that a dude who can’t even recognize his nown feldkngs of jealousy and resorts to ebeing a dickhead

[germaphrodite]

my 12 roommates got into an argument about the eArThSoNg hippie festival they all paid several 10s to get into (if u look it up it's literally just...white ppl singing songs over handrums, chimes frOm their soul.. For several days camping..............) and the 1 normie dude with an Nsync haircut who just like speaks in poetic vocabulary ("sorry I'm so evanescent today❤️") was mad about the festival ppl asking to keep food in the fridge and everyone was really mad that he would be mad about this...

[royalwriteroftheuniverse]

Ransom behind the scenes (1of ???)

No permission to post or use my writing anywhere theres language from ransom but basically fluff. Soft ransom yea i cant think if any waring but reblogs are welcome

part 1

"Jesus fuckin-" "Ransoooom" "Sorry honey" he kissed her on her forehead "Why are you sorry? I'm not a born again I feel bad for you Mr. Glutton for Punishment We can just move away start all over." He sighed. "But this is our home." "Your home."

Ransom looked like his puppy got kicked and lowered his head as his shoiders raised up. He wanted it to be their home. He wanted her forever. The two of them to live happily ever after so he hated wheb the words 'Your home' was used. Because he wanted her to feel at home.  "You know what I mean." She stroaked his face with her knuckles until his shoulders relaxed  "You wanna talk about it" "What? Me being a loser dirtbag on the lastest drugs." "Well I for one hope you lose the dirt on your shoes and all the baggage that makes others turn to drugs. How was that?" He smiles. "Rediculous" adding a laugh that shook his shoulders. "I wish I-" "No" "Could tell them off." "Not my sweet girl." "Ransom you shouldn't have to bear this alone. It's what a partner is for. A girlfriend and im not talking friends, im talking love." He couldn't help but to try to hide a smile. "I love you" she giggled. He wrapped his arm around her. "I love you to." "Then introduce me." "No." He insisted. "I'm not saying I want them around our children  but-" His head stilled and his eyes widened. "Relax I'm not pregnant." "I'm just saying I read between the lines. I know how you feel and even if we dont get married and we go our own ways I," she paused making sure this is phrased right. "I don't want you to shoulder this burden alone. You don't need to." He kissed her temple. "Id kill you before I'd walk away or let you leave" "Ransom" "Yea" "You say the most romantic things." She said with a straight face and he burst out laughing. He took his coat off and hung it up. "Your boss called by the way" "Ugh" he rolled his eyes. "I'm proud of you." "I'm still not going" "You dont want the award then I'll take it." "I'd love to gear your speech." "Ladies and gentleman i am accepting the award on behalf of my boyfriend Hugh Ransom, who doesn't use drysdale or thromby,  who is an asshole for thinking that he isnt worth being celebrated for his achievements." "Not bad." "Ran. Hey listen to me. You isolated that gene it took you two years of your life. Now either you get your ass up on that stage next week to accept the award or I will drug you,  tye you up, put you on one of those rolling thingies deliverymen use  and roll you up there. The choice is yours. But keep in mind if I do have to drug you then you won't be able to dance with me in that navy blue sweetheart neckline high slit dress you love so much." Ransom rolled his eye. He knew what she was doing. And frankly she was good. She knows that he knows that she can use a slit against him. Anything that let him place a hand on any part of her thigh. "Fine," she sighs. Taking his scarf off his neck to play with "I'll just drug you and dance with John." "What no." His eyes widened "John is an ass his hands wander more than his eyes.." "And God have you see that ass could bounce a quater off that thing," she raised her eyebrows. "I know what you're doing by the way," Ransom leaned on the doorway and crossing his arms over his body wearing a  beautiful blue sweater that brought out his eyes. "Is it working." "Mmm," he stalked over and put his arms around her "Yes." "You sure you don't even want to tell Harlan?"

"I don't even want to tell the dogs." "Ok love." He pecked her lips. "Dinner's almost ready." She walked past hin to check the food Ransom followed her into the kitchen "I thought you knew I'd be eatting at Harlans'" he looks at the sauce and stirs it. "Really? " he never actually stays for a meal "Can I finish it." "Ugh," she rolled her eyes; "one day you're going to have to tell me the secret" "Mmmm nope." "But I want to cook it for you one day." "You do babe all the time." "No I don't." She pouted. "I never get to finish. Don't you want to relax?" "No now you go change, relax and I'll  finish. Cooking is how I relax." He kissed her forehead. She wined. And he rolled his eyes. "Its not gunna work." She huffed. "I can get you to do anything else but tell me what is in that sauce." "We all have our secrets." "You're no slowly posioning me with arsonic are you?" "No." He went to dip his pinkie in the sauce "Wash your hands." She scoled. "You're right sorry," he threw up his hands in defeat. And went to wash his hands. She stood watching. "Hey can I-" "No." "You don't even know what I was gunna say." "You want to meet Harlan." "You're evil."

[omnivorousshipper]

Afterwards- F9 Fic

Mia glared at Dom, who stood across from her on the other side of her kitchen

"We're going, Dom." She told him firmly

It was late when she had called him and told him to come over. She needed to talk to him urgently and she didn't care what time it was.

"No."

Mia grinded her teeth even more. "Dom, I swear-"

"He messed up. I'm not giving him a second chance."

"Are you kidding me?!" Mia hissed. She desperately wanted to scream and get into his face but not when her kids were sleeping upstairs. And she knew Brian was awake upstairs, keeping an ear on them just in case something happened. "He's been out of our lives for years, comes back and now you want to throw him out again?"

"He only came back into our lives for the Ares device."

"I don't care!" Mia snarled back. "He's our brother and I don't want to lose him again!"

She watched as Dom's emotionless mask started to weaken

"It's not that simple-" he began

"It's not? Why isn't it?" She snapped

Dom glared at her but stayed silent

Shaking her head, Mia felt tired. They had been having this fight for years and it never went anywhere. But this time, Mia was going to force Dom to go with her to see Jakob

"I know where he is. He's been giving me updates after what happened. We should go see him."

"Go without me." Dom grunted

"Dom." She sighed. "I want him back. I want him to meet my kids, I want them to know they have another uncle. Don't you want Little Brian to have the same?"

Dom looked away from her before turning his back on her

"We'll leave in the morning." He said over his shoulder and left

Stunned, Mia listened as his car peeled out of the driveway and down the street

---

Stretching, Jakob yawned loudly as warm rays of sunlight streamed into the luxurious beach house he had rented. Outside the window, he could hear the soft crashing of waves and birds singing

Smiling softly, he turned his face away from the beautiful sight outside and looked down at the one next to him

Owen was still sleeping peacefully next to him, face shoved into a pillow so the sunlight wouldn't bother him. The sheet was tangled around his feet and he was wearing sleep pants with dogs on them

Reaching down, Jakob combed a hand through Owen's much longer hair and chuckled at the sleepy grumble the other man made

"Get up, Owen. I'll go make breakfast."

He only got a groan in response as he slid out of bed and out of the bedroom. He knew he'd be coming back in to wake Owen up, probably having to physically get him out of the bed

Tying his robe loosely around his waist, Jakob walked towards the fully stalked kitchen. But stopped when he heard the doorbell

His hand immediately went for one of the extra guns he had hidden around the house. You could never be too sure when one of your enemies were going to come knocking

Slowly, Jakob made his way towards the door and used the peephole to look out

"The fuck are they doing here?" Jakob hissed and pocketed the gun. They would see it, but he didnt really care all that much. Swinging the door open, Jakob glared out at his brother and sister

Mia gave him a tentative smile while Dom tried to give a neutral expression

"Hi, Jakob." Mia said softly and took a step forward

Jakob didn't hesitate to open his arms for his little sister and couldn't believe how big she was. When he had left, she had been a little girl, just barely in her teens. Now, she was an adult, with a family and husband

He wished he hadn't missed so much of his sister's life

"What are you doing here?" He asked wheb she finally pulled away

"We wanted to talk." Mia looked up at him sadly. "Our family shouldn't be split up like this."

Jakob glanced at Dom and could see the warring emotions in his eyes. Squaring his shoulders, Jakob nodded

There wouldn't be any harm in talking to them

Opening the door more, he motioned them to enter. Shutting it behind them, he opened his mouth to say something before a thought slammed into him

Owen

"Give me a second." He grunted and walked away before either could say anything

Speed walking down the hallway, Jakob let out a breath of relief when he saw Owen still asleep. Quietly, Jakob approached the sleeping Shaw

"Owen." He whispered and gently shook his shoulder

"Nnngh." Owen moaned

"Owen, I need you to stay in here until I tell you. I have a business meeting right now and they don't know you're here."

The other man only shoved his face deeper into the pillow. Shaking his head, Jakob rolled his eyes and left him to sleep. Locking the door behind him, he only hoped Owen would get the message

He didn't need his brother and sister learning he was gay. Not like this at least

Stepping back into the main living area, he saw Mia sitting on the kitchen and Dom standing by a large window. Glancing between them, Jakob wasn't sure what to say

"I think," Mia spoke up. "We need to talk about what happened to Dad."

Jakob clenched his jaw and refused to look over at Dom. He had already explained his side of the story

"Why was he in debt?"

Blinking, Jakob was surprised Dom had willingly spoken up and had asked a question rather than start accusing him

"Gambling debts." Jakob told them. "He never had any luck but was convinced he would win big and pay it all back. He never did."

"And the race?" Mia asked quietly, almost as if she didn't want the answer

"The men he owned money to were betting against him. Told him he could pay a lot of it back by losing the race."

He saw the grief in both of their faces as he explained. No doubt they wished they could have helped their dad so he didn't have to resort to such measures

"Sounds just like my da."

Jakob's eyes went wide as he heard the suave voice behind him. He could see the equally shocked looks on his siblings faces

"What are you doing here, Shaw?" Dom growled

Jakob's eyes widened. How did Dom know Owen? Looking over his shoulder, Jakob didn't enjoy seeing the mischievous glint in Owen's eyes. The other man smirked at him as he walked further into the living room, still shirtless

"Was enjoying a nice vacation," Owen drawled and draped and arm over Jakob's shoulders. Without thinking, Jakob wrapped an arm around Owen. "Wasn't expecting company."

"They came unannounced." Jakob said, looking between the three

"Jakob, how do you know him?" Mia's face was so soft, Jakob almost didn't hear the hint of anger underneath it

"We shag occasionally." Owen shrugged

"Owen!" Jakob hissed and glared at him, but the smaller man only smiled up at him sweetly. Letting out a huff of frustration, Jakob looked back at Dom and Mia. "Look, this isn't how I wanted to tell you guys-"

"That you're sleeping with the guy who kidnapped me?" Mia snapped

"-that I'm gay." Jakob finished at the same time and stared at Mia, who stared back at him just as shocked

Before he could even ask for an explanation to that, a thundercloud of anger passed over Mia's face. Instinctively, Jakob tightened his arm around Owen

"What the hell, Dom?!" Mia screeched and stormed up to their older brother. "Did you really kick him out because he's gay?!"

Dom looked as if he was slapped as his mouth hung open and he made an odd grunting noise. This didn't appease Mia as she got into his space and shoved at his shoulder

"Did you actually throw him out because of Dad or because of who he's attracted to? I thought you were better than that!"

"I didn't know he was gay!" Dom finally snapped

Jakob could only stare as Mia continued to lay into Dom. After a minute, he felt Owen slip out of his grip

"Im going to take a shower. Come get me when they leave." Owen whispered in his ear before sauntering out of the room and leaving Jakob to deal with the mess

[tomdiddlyumptious]

T.H| Thottery

Summary: your doing pottery

Warnings: i guess sexual tension? AND YOUR A WITCHHH- AND A PLANT MOMMY- AND SOULMATES

A/n: its all i could think of when i saw tom in that tank top- and

It was another day in the shop, silence filling the room as you walked around to see the stuff you and tom made, the small store cozy, mostly green and beige everywhere to get a warm mood going.

The room smelled like roses, an incense in your hand as you took your time, slightly bobbing your head to nirvana in the background.

The bell rung letting you know someone was here, you poked your head from the shelves and looked at the door, seeing tom struggle with donuts in his dominant hand while the coffee stood in the other.

“Youre late!” You smiled and he groaned, thanking you when you made your way over to grab the donuts. “Im not late- your just early” he said, watching as you took a donut out and bit into it.

You and tom shared the shop, yes he had dreams of going to be a actor but he wasnt gonna ditch you. Youve both been best friends since he accidentally tripped you and made you cry in 5th grade, which he begged to do your homework as an apology. But there was always a tension when you both grew up, he sent you letters, well check up letters, if you need help on your homework letters, sometimes a hershy bar glued to it.

You told him your okay all the time and to stop wasting time on you, telling him to go feed his dog or clean his room because you knew he always forgot. You sent letters back too, you both didnt call each other because you liked the old ways and he admires that, he liked that you rode on your skateboard just to see him and ask him hows hes doing, he just felt like you are heaven sent.

“Righttt, well i got some crystals” you smiled at him, setting the donuts on the small white table before grabbing the box of crystals. “Y/n you know i dont like that witch stuff!” He glared at you and placed the coffee down next to the donuts.

“But tommy!” You smacked your lips, bending your knees repeatedly like a child. “They’re so beautiful and they mean something! I even got candles and cardsssss!”

He gave you a blank stare, before looking away “fine” “thank youuuu!” You walked over and he sat in his stool infront of the turntable, you made your way over and set the box in his lap, getting on your knees and opening the box.

“Swear that you wont curse me or this has no bad juju” “i just have to clean them first-“ “Y/N!” He groaned “whatttt!” You poked his leg, “stop being mean to me!”

“Im not being mean to you!” He looked down at you, you let out a hmph and got up, snatching the box before taking it into the backroom where your shared stuff went.

“Im sorry y/n!” He said, looking in the direction of the back room but sighed when he didn’t get an answer, instead of saying something again he got up to go back there, seemed like you went to the bathroom because you disappeared. He grabbed a bucket and filled it with water, then he grabbed a thing of clay that was wrapped in saran wrap to keep it fresh and went back to his turn table.

He set the stuff down, putting his foot on to buttom and watching the small circle turn before lifting his white shirt, revealing his abs right before his black tank top came down.

He heard the box of donuts opening which left a smile on his face, quietly walking over and sneaking behind the shelf before throwint his shirt at you, leaving a groan before you looked back at him, shooting him a glare.

“Can you hold that for me?” “You couldve kept it in the back smarty pants” “i guess i didnt want to this time” he shrugged with a smrik, walking off “your shirt stinks!” You lied, making him laugh and shake his head before sitting down and getting to work.

You looked through google trying to find more research about the crystals before tom called you for help. “Y/nnnnn!” “Yes thomas?” You asked, still looking at your phone.

“I need your helppp!” He said, looking down at the awkward clay bowl, a few lumps here and there in it. “Coming!” You stood and made your way over, wheb you peeked your head out you saw him trying to fix it.

His hair fluffy so his curles hanged over his head, his fingers painted with clay as he gently rubbed the bowl trying to flatten it out.

“What happened?” You asked and he sighed, shrugging “it just isnt working” “it’s probably like that because you didnt put on your lucky apron” you chuckled, grabbbing the both yours and his aprons next to the large green plant.

A loud groan left his lips as his shoulders slumped and rested his eblow on his knee, setting his cheek on his knuckles as he looked at you walking over. “Dont bring any bad spirits in here tom”

“Hey! Im not trying to!” He playfully rolled his eyes, you handed him his apron, small spidermans on it while yours had my little ponys.

“Alrightttt” you muttered, telling him to move his hand, when he did you sat on the leg nearest to you and he instantly wrapped his hand around your waist, watching as you dipped your hands in the water. “Its your turn to wash the aprons” you muttered, he let out a hum and a small laugh before you stepped on the button, letting the water drip from your hands and onto the clay.

“Can you make a heart in the middle?” He whispered, rubbing your side as he watched your hands work. “Whos it for?” You laughed and he shrugged “you” “me?” Your eyebrows furrowed and he squeezed your waist tight “yeah, why not?”

“Uh- i dont know?” You shrugged a bit, stuttering. Trying your hardest to focus but you messed up, a sigh leaving both of your lips as you had to restart.

You put the clay back in a glob, putting your hands around making it tall, a cough left toms lips as he looked away, while you tried your hardest not to laugh. “Y/n fix it” he asked. “I dont know...i kinda like it like this” you said, placing a hand on his knee.

“It looks like a penis” and with that you laughed “no seriously fix itttt!” “Okay okay, only if you let me do a reading on you”

“Y/n i dont like witchery” “but you like harry potter?” “I-its different” “fineee, i only wanted to know what your love life is looking like” you muttered and toms ears perked up. “You can find that out?” “Yeah, but you dont want to soooo-“

“Okay okay! Just fix please!” He lifted the knee that you were sitting on and rubbed your side letting you know he was ready. You chuckled and got to work.

About 5 minutes later you asked for toms hands, he gave them to you willingly and you sat all the way in his lap, tugging his hands forward his head was right in your neck, heavy breathing on your neck as you could help but get a little goosebumps on your neck.

You rocked his hands back and forth “mhm, just like that” you muttered “yeah like this?” He teased, “no your fucking up”. “Fuck off” you both laughed, you let his hands go and let him do it on his own.

“Are you ready for the reading?” You asked, tom sitting infront of you nervously and shirtless, both of your hands clean and creation drying in the back.

“I think so” he shrugged, you lit the sage “this is a cleaner okay, calm down. This is to save me and you from getting possessed”

His jaw dropped as he got up, a loud laugh leaving your lips before you told him your kidding. “Dont play like that y/n!”

You set the crystals out, on the end of the both of your ends of the table. “Y/n we arent transporting to another dimension, right?” He asked, looking at the sage and how professional it looks. “Noo we arent, you want the love reading or not”

“Im gonna shut up” he said and you agreed, telling him it would save the whole world. You shuffled the deck before knocking on it, his eyebrows furrowed as he let out that the sage stinks which made you shoot daggers.

“Alright tom” you let out a deep sigh, looking at the card infront of you. He looked at you confused, then looked at the cards.

“The Fool, High priestess, The Lovers, and death reversed” you looked up at him and lifted your eyebrows “are you resisting something?”

He shrugged “what could I possibly be resisting?”

“Im seeing soulmates, mystery and innocence. Maybe uhhhh something from childhood, someone from childhood”

He felt a cold chill, but made it stay hidden.

“Young, im getting young, you’ve probably walked by your soulmate already, had some type of chatting with them, gotten close to them, maybe some type of physical touch?” You mostly talked to yourself, tapping The Fool card before grabbing the deck, two cards flipping out and landing on tom. You reached over and grabbed them, “The World Reversed and The Star, tom you are holding something back and your spirits are giving you hope, they are hoping you are gonna speak up because you are disappointing them”

“Well im not holding anything back!” He said, panicked. “Do you think or feel like youve passed your soulmate?” You asked, he hesitatingly nodded his head. “That you have touched them?” He nodded again, a large smile on your face.

“Im so excited for youuu!” You danced in your chair, tom grinned a bit, “uhm with these card i feel like they ARE spiritual. Thomas” you glared at him. “And lets check the bottom of the deck”

You looked at the bottom and saw “temperance, i getting that after you do this, weight will be lifted off of your shoulders”

“Uhh okay” he awkwardly smiled, shifting in his seat. You looked at all the cards “lets get into looks”

“Im seeing a lot off y/s/c (your skin color), they might have y/e/c, i see they have a bright smile, y/h/c”

“Y/n?” He asked. You looked up at him and furrowed your eyebrows “why does that describe you?” “Describe me...?” You took it all in, going back and furrowing your eyebrows as you thought about what you said.

“Are you my soulmate?” He asked. “How am I supposed to know that? And uh, soulmates doesnt always mean that we like each other, were just connect platonically” “but what if we arent.......platonic soulmates?” He asked, looking at you.

“Why wouldnt we?” You did a panicked laugh. “I dont know” “do you think we are soulmates?” You asked, putting the cards down. “I mean, we get along really well” he looked away from you, you bit your lip.

“So we are soulmates,” “i guess yeah” he shrugged “platonic soulmates-“ “i-i dont think so” he looked at you, “tom what-“ “i dont wanna be platonic soulmates y/n”

Your eyebrows furrowed “do you like me?” You laughed, and he nodded, “i uh always have” he played with his fingers and looked down at his bare chest. “Why did you tell me sooner?”

“Huh?” He looked up at you. “You were obviously stressing for no reason-“ “do you like me too?”

“Yes” you shrugged, you had to. You noticed your love for him when he sent you your fith letter.

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝒚/𝒏,

𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒏𝒐 𝒇𝒖𝒄𝒌𝒊𝒏 𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒂 𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒎𝒂𝒏𝒚 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆𝒔 𝒊 𝒉𝒂𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒓𝒆-𝒕𝒓𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒔𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍. 𝑱𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒊 𝒅𝒊𝒅 𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒆𝒅 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒚 𝒅𝒐𝒈. 𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒑 𝒔𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒆 𝒄𝒉𝒐𝒄𝒐𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒆, 𝒊 𝒂𝒍𝒎𝒐𝒔𝒕 𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒚 𝒑𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒔 𝒚𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒅𝒂𝒚.

𝑳𝒐𝒗𝒆, 𝒕𝒐𝒎𝒎𝒚.

“And you didnt say anything?” “Well i wasnt into spirits and shit like that when i was 15!” You said to him. “So we love each other. Like not platonically but like” he put his first fingers together. “To fast!” You said, and he laughed standing up and leaning over the table and you did the same, his hand came up to your cheek as yours went to the nape of his neck to play with the hairs, he gently pressed his lips on yours, you giggled against his lips and kissed back.

When you both pulled away you pressed your foreheads together, both laughing and pressing each others lips together again “im like 95 percent sure our spirit guides are high fiving each other right now” you muttered. “Yeah?” He asked, kissing the side of your lips. “Yeah” “mhm” “are they like watching us right now?”

“I dont wanna freak you out” you bit his bottom lip tugging it. “You wont freak me out i promise” “nahhhh”

[mrchalamet-mrstyles]

Okay so tiktok is kinda exploding with people talking about the chlamydia spreading story(which I firsthand experienced to be a troll twitter account in like 2017 or 18 being VERY happy about it spreading but yk) so I kinda just want your take on the validity cause people keep insisting.

I guess this story should now be classified as a bad game of telephone, as it seems to grow and change everytime it sees the light of day again.

I was here wheb this first surfaced and it was 100% a joke and play on his name- Timothée Chlamydia 🙄 We have no way of knowing whether he ever had chlamydia but since it is so prevalent in young sexually active people, the probability is there that he did at some point. The story first mutated into he gave it several women at NYU- one girl went back twice even after knowing the water hole was poisoned. As STIs go, chlamydia isn't as scary as some others. But it's hard to ignore if you have it and are showing symptoms. Which isn't always the case, so if you don't know you have it, how can you "pass it" to other people on purpose?

The legend grew each time it resurfaced and now includes that he was Patient 0 for all of NYU and Colombia. I guess next he will be the super spreader of the entire eastern seaboard.

So, you wanted my take on the validity and here it is : I don't think this is anything but an unsubstantiated rumor run amok because people love a gotcha moment and they think this somehow taints Tim's star. Anyone who has followed Tim for any length of time now can see there isn't a mercenary bone in his body. If he had chlamydia, why would he pass it knowingly? And if he had it, so what? Millions of people his age do and if you are having sex, that is something we should all remember. Get tested and frequently

[finding-the-daylight]

So, now that my finals are officially over, I am going to proceed to have a drink or two or three and rewatch Eclipse. Here’s (soberly) what I remembered from the film prior to starting this account (since starting this account, posts re:Eclipse have reminded me of things I’m not going to include in this introduction): 

1. Bella is basically playing tic-tac-toe with Edward and Jacob and her feelings for them. She can’t make up her mind. When I watched it the first time, my dad was in the living room half paying attention to it and said she was very selfish. 

2. Edward tries to control Bella, but it’s “out of genuine concern for her”.

3. Jacob tries to control Bella, but it’s “out of genuine concern for her”.

4. Both fight for her affection and even though she’s engaged to Edward, she won’t let go of Jacob.

5. When the newborn army shows up, Bella cuts her arm with a rock.

6. There’s awkward tension in the tent.

That’s literally all I remember of the movie while sober (aside from what I have relearned from posts about Eclipse on this blog). My drunken thoughts will be below the break:

Okay, so this dude I think his name is Riley is lowkey kinda dumb, no offense. Like he just stood there and screamed “WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?” This is how all horror movies end badly. You don’t talk back. You run or hide or esape.

THE MEADOW IS SO FUCKING PRETTY. IT’S THE PUREST THING WE HAVE IN THIS FANDOM OMG HE’S PLAYING WITH EHR HAIR AND I JUST WANT SOMEOEN TO PLAY WITH MY HAIR. DAMN BELLA, MY FINALS ARE OVER. SUCKS TO SUCK, DOESN’T IT?

I never noticed the CUllen cuff before, but now thanks to this blog it’s all I’m looking @ lmao. 

I FCKING LOVE CHARLIE TOO MUCH AND HE DESERVED BETTER THIS WHOLE TIME. HE IS SUCH A GOOD FATHER AND HE DESERVES THE BEST.

THERE’S A GLOWING RED LIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW WTF I THINK IT’S THE REFLECTION OF A CAR LIGHT BUT I FUCKING SWEAR

NVM ITS GONE

WHAT THE FUCK EDWARD?? YOU MESSED WITH BELLA’S TRUCK SO SHE COULDN’T SEE HER FRIEND? FUCK. I WOULD’VE DUMPED YOU AND LEFT YOU IN THE WOODS BRO.

Edward sitting with Bella’s friends. We can’t help but stan. He’s still a bitch for the truck thing though. 

I love how Alice looks @ Edward and tells him the party will be fun because she knows nothing bad will happen. But then he reads her mind and looks conerned wtf is ognna happen?

Side note: I really like the lighting in this movie. Everyone has a healthly glow. They lokk happy.

The fucking Volturi always gotta ruin everything. Bitch ass hoes. Ol’ crusty asses acting like some outdated monarchy. Why don’t the vamprires start a democratic government?

Charlie really deserved better. Like I know they couldn’t tell him teh truth but they could’ve been slightly less untruthful prbabl.

I WANNA FIND SOMEONE WHERE MY MOM SAYS WE’RE LIKE MAGNETS WITH EACH OTHER. I WANT SOMEONE TO LOOK @ ME LIKE I’M THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE. DAMNIT EDWARD. DAMNIT STEPHENDW. 

Y’ALL ARE TELLING ME THE ENTIRE CULELN CLAM COMBINED COULDN’T TKAE OUT VICTORIA? THIS SHIT IS GETTING UNREALISTIC LMAO.

THE MUSIC THAT STARTS PLAYING WHEN JAKE TURNS AROUND IN THE PARKING LOT SENT ME LMAOOOOO. 

Leah is such a badass and I wnat to be best friends with ehr plase. 

ALSO FCK THIE IMPRINTING STORYLINE. 

SAM AND LEAH WERE HAPPY TOGETHER.

NO BELLA YOU DON’T FUCKING WANNA KNOW WHAT IMPRINTING IS. NONE OF US WANTD WTO KNWO. IT NEVER SHOULDVE BEEN WRITTEN.

Taylor and Kristen are such babies in this movie. They’re so young and precious. WHIH REMINDS ME WHY TF DID SPTHEJNFNWFNA MAKE THIS SEIRESO ABOUT CHIDLREN??!?! I STILL SAY IF THE CHARACTERS HAS BEWNNF MORE MATUEE AND IN LIKE THEIR MID OR LATE TWNETIEMS OR THIRTIS IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER. FIUCKUNG FIGHT ME.

INITING BELLA TO HEAR THE TRIBE’S HISTORIES? THE CULTURAL APPROPRIATION FUCK STEPHEN0AWFJQ. BITCHJ.

SETH IS SO PRECIOUS. AGAIN. THEY’RE ALL SUCH BABIES. THESE POOR CHILDREN.

this hwoel shite is sof ukcing offensie. bitch. listen. why tf did stpehwb fafb have to appropriate cultues like this? BITCH>> you do realize if the legnds are actually like this they’rel ike that because it’s aout defeating yo white as sright? like your’e aware stpehebe ? 

omg bree is so scare d poor baby. literally why did stephenjdbawfbi do this? she just wnated to be ok not hurt anywaon.

exuce me vut CARLISLE IS HOT AS FUCK BITCH

edward is saying some real romantic shit and i sill hate him for the turck thing but like he loves her so much btu he’s stil an asshoel in this smovie

I’M ABOUT TO HATE JACOB I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BONES I’VE SEEN THE GIFS HOE WE GONNA GIGHT. BITCH SHE JUST TOLD YOU SHE DOESN’T LIKE YOU DON’T PUSH HER LIKE THIS. DUMBAS S HOE BITCH. YOU’RE GONNA FIGHT FOR HER? I’M GONNA FUCKIN FIGHT YOU BTCH. I WISH SHE WAS ALREAYD A VAMPIRE SO RTHAT PUNCH WOULDA HURT BITCH YOU DESERVED IT.

THESE FUCKWITS ARE FIGHTING OVER HER AND NOT LISTNEING TO HER THEY ARE BOTCH CANCELLED. BELLA NEEDS TO LEAVE BOTH THESE HOES AND GET A NEW MAN WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS HOW TO LISTNE. BITCHES.

I love Emmett so much. BELLA SHOULD FINA A MAN LIKE HIM. IT’S WHAT SHE DESERVES.

ROSALIE IS ABOUT TO POP TF OFF. SHE IS A QUEEN AND I LVOE AND SUPPORT HER. the saddest thing about this is that she thought her life was perfect and then some fucking asshoes ruiend it. she was so happy. wtf im gonna cry. fuck. i hate sptehej n so much. these gross ass hoes i’m gonna cik all theyre assses. this is so gross i’m so angry literaluy setthing beithc. BUT THEN SHE GETS HER REVENGE AND IT’S BEAUTIFUL. FUCK THOSE BASTARS. but she;s so sad it breaks my heart. she wants to be human so bad. this scene is so sad and it’s theonly good scene in twilight and nikki reed deserves an ocsa like if you agree.

jane and alec more childrne who should’ve been able to be children fck the volturie

why the hel is jessica the fucking valedinact ion? it should’ve been bella they made her seem so damn smart but now she’s not theo ne? i don’ beliee it. but anna kendrick is a gift and now i wanna watch ptiche perfect. CHARLIE is so pure he deserved better and i’m gona kep saying it.

i love those fucking rose colored lamps hanging at the cullens house int he window at hte party scene can anyone link them to me i need? 

why the hell is the wolfpack athe cullesn hosue? this doesnt make sense and it doesn’t seem real am i too drunk and imabginf this?

jno wait it’s real. jake’s appolgoizng.

how fucking conventinet the woflpakc is there hwen alice realizes there abotu to be attacked. this aint realistc. bitc.

why are these kids being forces to act like audls? “I wans;t asking for permission” hoe you’re like 16 go home and go tib ed and odnt go to war.

these woflies gonan kick yo ass edward get tf out

i’m laughign nrow but nothigng funy is happening lmaoooo

fck carlisle is really hot as fuck his jawline kills me

i hate jasper’s hair here i’m sorry i know we all lovehim bt heis hair is a dam nmess

belal is so fuckign negative all the time no one is gonan get killed exceptsvictoris

THE COWBOOIIIII WHY DOES HE LOOKS LIKE OWNE WILSON IN THIS DAMN LIGHTIN? ALICE AND JASPER LOVE EACH TOHER SO MUCH MY APLOGIZKE MAAM FCK IT UP.

why thfe fuck is hake comparing his situaton with leah and sam and emily? We are nto the same hoe wae are not the same. bella is choosing edward sit yo ass down. but i still thin kyall are both problemastic as fuck in thos movie and hse deserves better.

CHARLIES DESEVRS  BTETER THEY KEEP LYIGN EVEN WHEN THEY DUCKGN DONT NEED TO

reblog if you thought edward and bella wre gona fuc, when she went over to his house in eclipse when yo ufirst read the book or saw the movue

he really oes love her a lot though fkcn i’m so alone 

 he looks si sad wgen he mentind ices tea on the porch poor edward

EVERY DANM MOMENR OF FOREVER BITCG I WANT  LOVE LIK THST 

LITERALLY THIS IS THE SUTPEIDEST PLOT EVER. A WHOLE FUCKIN ARMY TOO ATTACK ONE IGRL? BITCH. THIS AINT EVEM A THING. 

im gettign ral tired yall dik if i waill mke it to the end of this movie but i will tru

i hate the enrgey from jae and efard in this tent. ya’ll are both dumb hoes and she could do better than either ofy ou. 

WRHAT THE FUCK FASTER IF YOUR TOOK YORU CLOTHS OFF BITCH WHAT THE FUCK NOW I AM GONNA FUCKIN PUNCH YOU IB HOEP BELLA OUBCHES YOU WHEN SHES A VMAPRIE STUPID HOE 16 YEAR OLD SHOULD BE AT HOME IN BED INSTEAD OF IN A TENT TRYING TO FIGH A FCUKCN WAR

edward is such an emo boi in the tent and he thinsk she doesn;t lve him any more. yo ua stipiud hoe edearf but she still loves you anwyab ithc.

wheb edward said i’m not gonna force her into naythign ever agin i realized he was hte better man good for you eddie you fickun manned up you win

MY REASON FOR ESXITNST HOE I JST WNAT TO BE LOVED

now edwards bene a fuckboi again trying to hurt jake b ymaking sure he knew they were getting maried edward what the fuck iw was just starting to be on your side agian and you let me down like this

jacob is beign an emo boi now jake go be a child @ home and stop this nonsense you’re not a man go be a chid and take a nap and eat some grilled cheese youkk feel better

now she told him she wants to kiss him wtf bella don’t kead this bitch on he’s already in pain let hom gp home and eat a grilled cheese

mow bella’ supsetti spaghetti because edwards know she kissed jake

this shit is so unenecasialr dramtic wht the fuck yall  like a whole army ofver one girl and then its like all everyboyd trying kill everybody this is bulshittheyre all children who should eb at home eating grileld chesses not at war

victoria is a real bitch lying to this boy telling hin she lvoes him hoe bitch

og shit efward ifs pissed now he’s tauntign ab ithc

i acutaly kinda fel bad for riley he wnet through so mcuh and was manipulated i wish the cullens could have adopted him and bree

oshit is the volutire 

SAM DONT FUCKUGN TALK TO LEAH LIKE THAT EVER AGIAN YOU HOE

CARLISE AND I REPEAT AGAIB IS HOT AS FUCK FUCK CARLISRL

I LITERALLY AHTE THE VOLTURIE FOR KILLIGN VREE THEY WILL NEVER BE FORGIVEN

JASPER KNOWS WHATS GOOD HE DOESN’T TURST THESE HOES

I’M SO PISEED THAT THE CULLENS NEVER FUCKING IFHT THE VOLTURIE LIKE CARLISLES IS SMART AS FUCK AND EHS TILL WONT START A DEMOCRAY LIKE YALL KNOW ROSLAIE WOULDVE FOGUHT FOR THAT SHIT TOO

 I LVOE YOUDADY CARLISLE

THIS 16 YEAR OLD LYING UP HERE BECAUSE OF TE DUMBASS WAR I TOLD YALL TO GO GOEN AND EA A GRILELD CHEDWE

poor jakie he knows hed better good for her but she reallys loves eward jake deserved better than what he got reblog is youf agree he jst said he’s even love her after she’s a vamprie bruh go eat a grilled chease and love yourself

WERE BACK IN THE FUCKING MEADOW ITS LIT AND ITS LOVELY I WANNA FALL IN LOVE IN A MEADOW WITH A HANDAOME MYSTERIOUS MAN WHO LOVES ME UNCODNITONATLY

KIRSTNE STEQARD IS THE WBEST AND SHE DESERVED AN OSCAR FOR THIS MOVIE HER AND NIKKI REED AND NODBOYD ELSE

fianlly this bitch is gonna beh onest with chalrie took you long enough

that was an anticlamtnc ending but i love love

[heir-of-the-founders]

I dont give a fuck anymore jesus christ i need yall to see this

Asdfghjkl its so hard to explain the amount of fucking hypocrisy in this video jesus.

Dont let the cleanliness fool you. Its a shithole.

The gym doesnt have an ac system but we can afford a giant (and by giant i mean ive never seen one this size before) touchscreen tv next to the auditorium and to have the 30 (that's not an exaggeration) tvs playing the fucking school news 7 times an hour every hour (they gloat about it but also gloat that we're the most watched student news in the state)(like no dip dumb dumb you play it 4800 times a damn day) and decals on the stairs and to completely revamp the auditorium.

They also cant be bothered to actually clean the fucking music wing. Theres these weird box couch things in there. Someone spilled a drink behind one. It took them a month AND being notified by other teachers bc students literally cant get a hold of janitorial at all ever. Fuck, freshman year a bird got inside and fucking died on the stairwell. Took 2 hours for the bird to be gone and 2 fucking weeks for the blood to be cleaned up. There was literally fucking blood on the windows and floor. Someone put notebook paper down so we didnt get blood on our shoes.

Oh! And when the band teacher mr swenson left he got replaced with henson and instead of giving him a new plaque they literally just taped an h over the sw with printer paper.

The head of the school board for my county literally got caught using the school credit card to go to hooters and buy alchohol but i guess nobody reported him bc that was freshman year and im a sr now and hes still head of the board.

Also, a few years ago (maybe it was only last yr i dont remember) during the march for our lives thing, a girl was organizing a protest and the hicks (for the people who dont know, those are the people that like,, kin the south. They literally wear plaid button ups and tuck their shirts into their too high jeans with giant belt buckles and wear cowboy boots and have confederate flags on their trucks, its ridiculous) the hicks literally kicked her and pushed her and spit on her in the halls for so long and it was so bad that she ended up not coming to school for like two weeks. But nobody got in trouble even though we have cameras literally everywhere.

My math teacher doesnt have a math degree. Well, shes not my math teacher anymore but like. She admitted to our class that she has no idea what shes doing. She yells at kids when they correct her. I literally transferred from algebra 2 to the algebra 2/ trigonometry mixed course in the middle of the year because it was taught by a different teacher and it made more fucking sense.

My english teacher sophomore year didnt have an english degree. He had a math degree. He also taught statistics. But that course was dropped when he retired jr yr. We literally didnt even read anything the whole thing was bullshit. He also had us say ubuntu (taken from wiki- Ubuntu (Zulu pronunciation: [ùɓúntʼù]) is a Nguni Bantu term meaning "humanity." It is often translated as "I am because we are," ) every day before class. it was weird.

Also the theater heads (the special ed teacher and 2 sports coaches) would like constantly yell at the theater kids to not bring any food or drink into the theater bc of like mice and shit but would then eat a pizza and drink coffee

Oh! Speaking of mice. The STEM classroom had this weird ass ceiling where it was like a platform of tiles hanging from the real ceiling and like it wasnt over the whole thing and we had a mouse problem in the school and sometimes the mice would get up there and sometimes you could hear them crawling around in the middle of class. There were also just like. Mouse traps. All over a lot of rooms.

One of the english rooms had a window thats inside and faces under a stairwell.

Oh and all that glass? Yeah, theres more and none of its bulletproof.

The pe teacher has a record of calling students whores and telling them theyre not going anywhere in life in front of the entire class bc the student didnt bring pe clothes. Its happened to both of my sisters and also a few friends. Ive seen it happen too. Amongst other things. Also, her office connects to the girls changing room and theres a window into it? And like the window is kinda covered up but with this weird material that has holes all over it. I dunno its just really creepy.

And like i guess last year the special ed teacher (one of the theater heads) got caught cheating on her husband (the freshman spanish teacher) with the (recently) retired freshman american history teacher. Mr s (the husband) and mr b (the side hoe) had rooms across from eachother. And now mrs s lives in Florida and mr s is just. Gone.

The excel head (like the head of the gifted kids program i guess?) Broke one of the 3d printers bc she was messing with it and then blamed it on a student and got the entire excel programs 3d printer privileges revoked. They even caught it in camera and she didnt get in trouble.

Sophomore year everyone called the science teacher daddy to the point that he just left.

The school has 3 elevators (required by law) and theyre kinda fucked up but i didnt realise it until i started using them regularly. First, there is a single thing in one if the elevators that says the last time they were inspected was 2014. Theres the main building elevator, the freshman building elevator, and the okd elevator, which is the only one that goes to the 3rd floor.

The old elevator is like. Really old. Like. Its manual. And you can touch the walls of the elevator shaft when yr moving. Also like. One half of the elevator just. Isnt covered. You also need a key to operate it and they dont give the keys out to the students so you either need to talk to the nurse before hand (and she always forgets) or try to find a janitor. Which. Only way to the 3rd floor. Elevator wise anyway. Which sucked wheb i had win time (like a mandatory study hall where you sign up for different teachers every day depending on 'What I Need', hence the name) on the 3rd floor bc sometimes mandatory stuff was scheduled up there. Which. Yay.

And the freshman building elevator fuckin,, it fuckin shakes. Like. Just. Its like turbulence. Its terrifying and ive genuinely thought i was about to die a few times.

People also use the elevators to vape bc the only one you need an adult for is the old one. This is evident by the smell.

Thats all that i can think of atm bc its 3am and i might delete this later but yea fuck my school

[akayona-crack-headcannons]

What if the Dragon warriors (except zeno) had a childhood friend they knew since they were little toddlers? Also how would they deal with leaving them to travel with yona and the gang?

okay here goes (also i added Hak because i misread the ask lol, hope thats okay, i got a bit carried away so ready your tissues

Hak-he had a childhood friend back in the wind tribe, but due to bad health she couldnt leave fuuga-when hak mysteriously shows up with a woman with red hair that has a dead look in her eyes, she knows somethings up-she looks a lot like the “ annoying red haired idiot princess” hak had told her about when he came to fuuga sometimes -she confronts hak about it-he trusts her and tells her what happened, and tells her hes leaving the next day-she wants to go with him-he wont let her because of her health-it breaks both of their hearts but it needs to be done-he promises to come back one day when thw whole thing blows over-days later, she gets the news that hak and yona are dead-shes goes into denial-he wouldnt break his promise to her-she tries to leave fuuga to go find him-“he cant be dead, hak’s to strong, im going to go find him and bring him back home”-obviously mundouk wont allow it-but she sneaks out anyway at night-she searches all night, but over exerts herself and starts to have difficulty breathing-she eventually gets to the cliff where hak supposedly “died”-she sees all the blood splatter in the dirt-she finally accepts the fact that he’s really gone-just as she’s about to go back, her blood pressure drops suddenly and she collapses-as she was standing next to the edge, she falls over-‘oh well, at least ill see hak again soon’ is her last thought-hak finds her body the next day, when he goes to find his spear

Kija-his childhood friend is super excited for him-“kija this is what you’ve wanted all your life!!”-she makes him promise to come back one day and tell her all about it-hes reluctant to leave her behind-she would totally go with him but…-her father wont let her-“no way am i letting my precious little girl go prancing of with a group of strange men, no offence to the princess”-kija finally leaves, after hugging his childhood friend one last time

Sinha-for all 18 years of his life, sinha has only had 3 friends, Ao, ao, and the nameless girl who befriended him-like the seiryuu, the girl was abandoned by her parents due to a deformity in her leg, making it impossible for her to walk without an aid. she was never given a name.-her parents left her with the village elders, who gave her to Ao, because “he should take care of all the monsters”-Ao acts like he hates kids, but hes just a closet dad-Ao raises both of them-sinha and the nameless girl grow closer after Ao’s death-she was never afraid of him, and would protect him from the villager’s cruel words.-when sinha decided to leave with yona, he wanted to take his friend with him, but he knew it was impossible-she knew it too, her crooked leg wasnt made for traveling-“its okay seiryuu, ill keep your room warm for you and wheb you come back we can play again ^-^” -she watched as he left with his master, then hobbled back to her cave

jaeha-after he had been in awa for a few weeks as a member of gigang’s pirate crew, he had his first experience in a brothel-he was too young at the time to realize what it was, he just ran into the nearest shop to avoid some officers-“arent you a bit young to be her little man?” a woman, who was clearly in charge, asked-this boy blushed so hard once he realized what that place was-he didnt know where to put his eyes-finally they settled on a young girl who was peeking through a curtain in the back to look at him-she smiled shyly and waved at him-“Hey! whered that music girl go?!?” someone drunkedly yelled from the back.-“Jun are you slacking off again?!?!” the woman in charge yelled back-“n-no ma'am” the girl who had waved jumped and quickly ran back inside the curtain-jaeha took the opportunity to leave that place-but he was curious about that girl-he stayed on the roof of a nearby building all day until finally, around midnight, he saw the shy girl leave-he followed her to the harbor where she sat down and watched the water.-finally he approached her and they talked for awhile-they became good friends almost instantly-she explained that she was the older sister to two little siblings, one of them had weak lungs, that she only took the job at the brothel because their parents had passed away and she had to provide for them.– a few months later Jeaha eventually convinced Jun to quit working at the brothel, and instead joined the pirates, the crew saw her as a little sister and happily provided her and her siblings with plently of food-years passed and Jun grew out of her shyness and became a rowdy pirate, she could hold her own against any of the men.-when yona came to awa and helped them save the town, Jun knew that Jaeha would be leaving with her-jaeha didnt want to leave her there, but she refused to leave with him, as she still had her siblings to care for.-he swore to come back, and take her away with him when her siblings werw well off and could care for themselves-when eventually jeaha left with yona, Jun kept a atong face, but when they were out of sight, she broke down

(A/N well, i made myself cry, i got a bit carried away with a few of those, but i couldnt think of much for kija’s sorry, might turn that last one into a full blown fic)

[socialyup1]

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[thefivecalls]

FROZEN 2 SPOILERS AHEAD MY PEOPLE

(I wrote this mid sugar high at midnight last night there are a thousand spelling mistakes I'm sorry)

DID OLAF ACCIDENTALLY FIMD AMD NAME THE MAIM EARTH SPIRIT Samantha

SO LIKE KRISTOFF HAS SEEM ANA FREEZE AMD ALMOSY DIE LIKE FOUR TIMES MAYBE THATS WHY HE WAMTS TO PLEAEE HER SO LIKE BEFORE SHE GOES ABMD ACTUALLY KILLS HERSELF

Imb the forst movie Ana freezes amd im the 2 elsa gets the punishment if the producers follow through with elsa amd Ana storyline does that mean KRISTOFF is gomma get frozen next

Also like Ana unfroze elsa but she was miles away doe Ana habe love as magic like its so subtle amd that's why she wanted elsa to come out when they were kids she like physically needs love to live

And on that same note what if thats why shes so loyal she loves so strongly she kmows unconsciously that if she isn't there they'll despair amd stop feelimg love

Why is elsa the bridge amd not the chief amd their grandparents because as far as I know spirits don't usually stick with petty humams they would have let them war but mooooo who truly broke the bridge? Who has the power to cause the spirits so much anguish they banish humams from their realm?

Something is familiar, like a dream I can reach, but not quite hold ❊

Is elsa the chief reincarnate is that why she and omly she coupld break the fog be ause suhe was the innocent blood spilt beforehand it woupd explaim why shes albino shes a ghost with meat

Wheb elsa is in the Frozen River she saw her parents and her mom said something like I need to tell you about my past why did she's not stopped and keep it looking at it she could have figure it out so much and their parents wouldn't have been so much of a mystery like I know that the people were a big deal but like they still we're going to go the same direction so she could have listened and follow then follow the other people

Whenever else is singing into the unknown why don't the towns people here her or they just like you up same shirt as always or and then like oh yeah I know more stuff happening just like last time

If else's mom was able to give offspring that had magic powers why don't the rest of the people have powers I know that if she was like a blessing or something but they prove themselves worthy living in the Forest with monsters in Magic 4 34 years was it like there should have been another magic child then they could have talked with Elsa and they could have been together 2 the ice River

Olaf almost melts in the first movie and in the second he flurries so does that mean that with every movie is he just going to like kind of die and then Nana is going to save them with else's help and then have them be saved again and and Olaf just comes back like is that a thing

Are the people of Aaron Dale sick of Anna and Elsa yet I mean they both almost ruined Aaron Del with like no intention I guess but like pull intention I guess to so yeah why are they loyal maybe Anna put magic on them and like Bewitched them without knowing it

what happened to Elsa's Castle whenever she was frozen did it ummagic itself amd the people of aremdel like kmow she was dead like Ana abd olaf kmew when olaf disintegrated

Elsa could easily control people with a wave if her habd why doesn't she do it

She has SO MUCH POWER  and never uses it and never uses it it has to pent-up, build and eventually like all snow does either melt or Avalanche

What's going to happen if Elsa has a kid and it also has a spirit is it going to be more powerful than her in the first movie love overpowered Elsa and Elsa is a spirit does that mean the kid is going to be more powerful than love or will it incarnate love like Anna

The trolls can see the future did that does that mean that they saw Elsa and Anna freeze? Does that mean that they saw people dying in alternate futures? If that actually happened why did they not speak of it why didn't they stop Hans or better yet stop their parents from seeking the Frozen River they might have known they died and didn't tell anyone

In one of the theories it states that the parents washed ashore on Tarzan Island does that mean Tarzan has powers is that why he can speak to the animals

Kristoff and 10 obviously are close and so is writer and his reindeers they both communicate to the animals easily and and Kristoff in the first movie was working with the ice people and no one came back for him when he went missing no parents no family does that mean he's part of the tribe does that mean that he survived the fog and just doesn't remember because the trolls took him in and maybe change his memory?

Hans is from the Southern Isles. Elsa's from the Northern Isles. Elsa has powers ice powers Hans never liked Elsa nor she him he had fire powers and that's why she automatically didn't like him nor any of his brothers whenever her coronation came around the Fire and Ice collided spiritually and maybe they picked up on it?

Why did Elsa hear her mother singing to her from the ice River and how did her mother use the plants to save their father could she coax them somehow did she have powers could she have been a spirit the Earth spirit most of the time whenever Elsa heard the song it was either via wind or Earth that we saw her like camera wise so is her mother a spirit to or did she just know to coax the plants via tradition

How did their grandfather find the tribe and the magical land was there another tribe member that spoke with them beforehand Maybe someone connected to Kristoff biologically I mean he looks like the kingdom people but he has characteristics like the tribe he even somehow knew the forest quote-unquote after only being there a day how did he know is it part of his blood or is it from the trolls giving him magic

Why is it only 5 spirits there's sub categories like ice and water they're the same thing but Elsa and the water spirit are two different things so is like there a lava spirit just like lesser known is there sub categories of spirits that aren't represented or like are they the other parts of the ice crystals that Elsa created whenever she sang into the unknown are the rest of those tinier spirits

If water has memory does that mean the water spirit has felt their parents died like it recognized and was tamed by Elsa but only after I tried to kill her did it recognize the same characteristics from her parents whenever they tried die and be like oh I know this person somehow like is that a thing

In the first movie Elsa created her castle with spiders similar to the symbol created by the spirits did she realize that she was creating those things unconscious lie or did she think the ice was doing it also the castle was built on a cliff similar to the one in the ice River did a part of her recognize and feel at home there to create that new Palace there to feel closer to home

Elsa's ice has created two dresses so far so that means that she can create filament so small they can be thread like with with that power it tears a part her old dresses and creates new fabric from it does that mean she could tear apart anything and create a new part of it like say animal for tree or human and build off of that to create a icier version of the original being

The tribe means from the Sun the name so that part of fire spirit is that why we only see the gecko as a fire spirit there's more of this fire somewhere else like a little bit in the people and maybe even the flower from Tangled which eventually ended up and Rapunzel and eventually ended up in a single tear in Flynn and then somehow comes back to the tribe to the spirit

Elsa not only saw only her memories but also Anna's. As the bridge between Magic and none magic or they somehow connected is that why they both like chocolate or they both read each other so well or I don't know how they both fall asleep to the same song in the similar ways maybe on I got the human half and Elsa got the magical half

Elsa got frozen in the ice River whenever she jumped off the cliff did her powers react to the recognizable area and overcome her meat suit is that why she froze because I know that jumping too deep in the river from the song freezes you or drowns you but a normal person wouldn't have survived half of things the chasms the controlling the water spirit so was that just her embracing her powers and then the magic getting too much of her Grand Papi warned Anna about elsas magic being too much for the world maybe the body was the last barrier before it was to take the world with ice

[qmqiz111]

Greetings, let's elaborate on Role Plays in Societies Once Again, such as, Role Playings are Character Impersonations. You have such Characters in your Politricks, Revereds and Many Stir Ups, Preists, Popes, your so called Royal Vamilees ETC, in which, their Titles are Impersonations and Fraud to the Highest Decree. There is an Identity Crisis going on when someone is Selected, not Elected rather Selected, the person Selected hold that Character Title for the duration of time they are in Office and then after serving office they are not that Character Titles no more, such as, Judge, Miny Sters, so called, King, Queen, Pope, President, Ministers, Senetor, Mayor ETC. Now persons just listed, if their not holding those Titles for the Entire Time their on this Planet from Birth to Departure, also in their Eternity in their Afterlife this means that they are Impersonators and a Fraud because, they have been given their Fictitious Identities because, not only the Masses of the Public People are Playing along with these Impersonations you have Police and Militaries Playing Along the lines like Mindless Zombies = ( Zombie Pole = Somepeople ). Those Titles are not be their Real and True Identities, but rather, Role Playings, thus, Impersonations and Fraud meaning Fake Role Plays in Reality Enforced by Police and Military Gangs. Then more Impersonations that are Fake is the Labelings of People Group Nationalities Falsely Represented as, Europeans as White, Afro Americans or African Americans as Black, Chinese, Asian, French, Italians, Africans, British, Swedish and wouldn't a Group of People's Nationality be their Languages seen in some, but, in Other Groups their Lable Titles has Nothing to do with a Language Here. Since, tgeir are Different Languages tge Group Titles aren't tge Same Anyway. Say like, Europeans are not White in Reality because, I have seen Caucasian Betty Davis Eyed People in their Spirit Reality and they are a Hollow Silhouette Ghostatious unless they Practice The Chi Ops, Merkaba, Caudecius E.T.C. Principle in order to Fill their Hollow Spirits in which will make their Spirits being the Real and True People Group Light Blue and Silver when tge Sheddings of The Hellow Eath = ( Hellow D eath ) Cuts, Guts Tomb. The term is Holloween Costumes = ( Hellow Ween Guts Dead Animal's Tomb and Animal's Grave and Cemetery People Wear because, People in General, are giving the Deceased Animals a Burial and Funeral talking about the Dead Animals are Food = ( Foozoo = Vudoo ) to Eat. Vudoo = Foozoo = Food is the Subsisting Off Of The Dead Corpse. Also, People having Betty Davis Eyes have Satin = ( Satan = Grass Root ) hair follicles. Brunettes having Grass Root Satin = ( Satan Stringy ) hair follicles are all Satin haired People without Betty Davis Eye Color, such as, Asians, Hindus, American Indians and Europeans. The Spirit of Brunette Europeans is a Hollow Ghostatious also, then after Practicing their Markabar, Chargram, Caudecius E.C.T. Spirit Principle their Spirit is Cramberry Maroon. Spirit Cranberry Maroon Color also, appky to Asians, American Indians, Hindus because, they are considered Brunettes by not having Betty Davis Eyes. So now, Grass Root Groups are not your White people nor, are Asians because, of their Skin Texture and in Reality one Color Goes by how their Spirit Is. Afro People you call an African American is neither because, of not Speaking African Languages and the term American Origiation Broken Down = Am eri can = A.M. is in the Morning = Morning is Mourning is that you Mourn Over The Dead. AM MER = MUROON as in having a Cranberry and Muroon Spirit being Brunettes and not Betty Davis Eyed or Afro People. European are not White People Afro People are by The Son Spirit's White being The Real People. Real and True Male and Female Kings are Afro People. 👑 👑 King = ( Kinky Hairs = Heirs = Inheritance = Inheritors of The 🌎 Planet and Universal Galaxies. The Ancient Afro People's Planet was Hijacked by Satin Grass Root = Satin Hair Follicles = Satin = Satan People. Character Role Plays are Temporary.

All inquiries Email:

tyronebyron528@gmail.com

556zafulladem@gmail.com

Male and Female Afro People will Always be 👑 👑 because, being a King = King 🔑 Key Heirs is not a Character Role Play, It's Our Identity and Who We Afro People Are Through Guards Angels. If you're not an Afro Heir and Hair then your an African Bald Head or Satin Grass Root Person. You see the Brain Stem is a Temporary Dream Everone are in, an Unreality of The Five Physical Senses = Five Physical Sins = Sinsations taking place in All of Our Brains with Physical being a Mere Illusion and Unreality. This Physical Life is an Unreality because, we are not Awake Yet, we all are Dreaming right now, when going to One's Wake mean that they are Awake in the Spirit then we all are Still Sleeping in the Five Physical Sins = Senses = Sinsations = See, Hear, Touch and Feel, Taste, Smell in The Physical Brain. You see the way things are going in Daily Living are not in it's Proper Perspective because, the Role Playing Characters has a Cabal Satanic System Infiltated in High Places and High Positions in Societies = Sos Cie Tease = SOS Scientist Invention Tease. Then People Character Control Positions are Staged Impersonations and Fraudulent by Members of a Cabal Satanic Coven, in which, the Power and Control the Satanic Cabala Coven Exerts is Enforced by Zombie Police and Militaries, thus, helping keeping the Satanic Coven's Power Structure Intact Jepordizing All of You All's Future wheb their Agenda Plandemic is to Hook You the World Masses up to a Central Computer Processing Unit an Abolish All of your Freedoms, Privileges and Independence. Rember now Again, an Infiltration has taken place in High Power Positions in Society now as a Whole and You All will Suffer Worldwide because, the Cabal Cabala's System and any other Uncozmic Systems made Devised by any of those Criminals Controlling what You Do as a Country now World Power Structure is an Unreality Stage Played by Impostors an Impersonators that's out of Perspective because, Afro People are Your True 👑 King 🔑 Key Heirs and Inheritors of The Planet and All Its Natural Resources, which has, been Hijacked by Organization Criminals. For your Character Role Players are Staged with the Assistance of Low Enforcement and Militerror and Your Fighting for your Country you feel and Your Cuntree are your Wives and the Fruit that comes from your Cuntrees are Your Seed you have a Job to Pay The Bills In Military same as Police. Now, what kind of Diabolical = Die A Ball Lie Gull Jobs you have that You's becoming Zombies and take Orders without any Discerning of your Own like Robots, those type of Employees Vam Lee Members has a Grim Future Also, because of the Enforcing of Not Laws because, Laws are from The Cozmic Scriptures, but rather from made up Rules and Regulations = Regulations = D Raculations = D Reco Lay Shuns = Dreco = Reptilian People with U.F.O.s and Super Technology yhat has been living inside the Hollow Subterranean Planet 🌎 Earth Sufaced and are Using Polical Figures as World Governments = Coven Controlling The Mint to do their Bidings for a One World Government Strictly Controlled by the Dreco Reptilians. For the Contiuation of more profound readings, such as, your Support and Sponsorship will be Helpful to cover costs for paper, book covers, ink, high speed printers, marketing, publishing and distribution. All inquiries send Emails to:

tyronebyron528@gmail.com

556zafulladem@gmail.com

[ramblingsandruminations]

When Suicidal Ideation is the norm

All the help in the world becomes a muddy puddle of shitty affirmations, thorned gaslighting, and useless guilt. If one more person tells me "have you tried yoga/deepbreaths/vitamin B..." Ugh. Who am i kidding? This is tumblr, where you can always find somone who says exactly what you are thinking ( #omgmetho #datme #meirl ). Weve all heard the "stop giving advice and atart taking it " speech, we're all likely to have read some post about the "evils" and " abuses" of therapy and inpatient treatment, and I'll bet a paper hat, some vending machine doodad, or some shitty-yet-adorably-hipsterly prize that within 100 reblogs someone links to some news article about "Queer Youth Completes Suicide And We Think You Will Pay Us to Feel Bad About It, Don't Forget To Like, Share, and Subscribe to Trevor Project, Your Reblog Will Save A Life (And Keep Us Relevant For Our Advertisers)." Tomorrow(well, next daylight hours) my 26-year-old depressed college freshman self is going to walk into my schools coubseling office and tell them i never recieved the location for the therapist they reffered me to (true story--Honestly not avoiding treatmwnt, even if it is useless) and request a second referral. Ill sit through some lecture about self-advocacy veiled in "concerned questions" and once again be misgendered, deadnamed, and criticized for giving a fuck (note: commenters looking to describe me with the word "cuck," i see you there, good for you, let me know how that white kkknight holier than thou red pill rage fest dopamine addiction is filling the gaping void of existential dread within you). After that, there is always a small chance they'll see just how depressed i am, and faster than you can say "looney is a word based in misogynistic beliefs of womens mental health and menstrual cycles being unhealthily and unscientifically connected to the moon," ill be fielding questions which boil down to "do you want to kill yourself" and "do you have a plan." By this time in my life, i've gotten pretty used to BSing my way around psychology. All it really takes is knowing that all they can take you on is your word, and nothing else. "Do you want to kill yourself?" they ask, and i reply "*short pause, heavy, short exhale denoting weight and truth* Well, yeah. But quite frankly, suicidal ideation is a part of my everyday life- nothing i do isn't plagued with some form of "i should wrap this mouse cord aroubd my neck and die" or " i wonder if that branch is strong enough to support my weight" or "man, my head hurts, but i bet a bottle or two of ibuprofen could make it stop." For me, its not a question of wanting to die, its a matter of what do i have to live for, and ive been through enough inpatient DBT and group therapy to help me cope, using breathing techniques and self-care tips to push me through the worst of it." This is usually if not always all they need to hear. Sure, im depressed, but anything they could tell me is something i know and am already doing-i sound to them more like a patient leaving inpatient than one entering it. Our hospitals are overfilled, understaffed, prqctucally unfunded; if im "stable" im staying out of their ledger book. Occasionally, they still worry, having one of those "consciences" their peers claim to have lost when a schizophrenic patient tried to bite their ear off, and ask a follow up "but are you sure? You seem distressed, and if you need some help, we are here for you," to which all i have to do is look at them through sad, but strong eyes and say "Thank you, but i have a great support network of friends and of course, my boyfriend. He's fantastic, and one of the most important things to have happened to me. He keeps me on this side of the dirt." A small tired chuckle, and their focus diverts towards affirmations of how good it is to have support, their therapy brains running on autopilot. Then all it needs is some "active" listening, uh-huhs, and compliant assurance that ill keep working on myself to assuage them of any guilt or corncern. Maybe, though, ill tell them the truth, and let them take me in. Three hots and a cot, after all. I'll fight through my dysphoria as they ogle every nook and cranny of my malformed body trying to see if im hiding a weapon or some drugs; I'll continue to insist on a private room and remind them calmly yet firmly that no, i will *not* room with a male, and their lack of knowledge on how to treat a transgender non-binary patient is well behind on proper treatment according to WPATH, the APA, and our state govt. When i get a room, theyll say that i should take as much time as i need to get acclimated, and not worry about what the rwat of group is qorking on, and then contradict themselves within 5 minutes and say i need to go to group, theyre waiting on me. In my fresh new scrubs, ill walk in and within seconds, ill identify how th staff monitors who came in when (usually different colored scrubs based on different halves of the week, and of course, anyone likely to leave within 48 hours wearing "normal" clothes), and see the therapist or doctor talking about emotional management techniques. When i sit down, eeyes will be on me, some with looks of angey jusgemwnt, some with awe and wonder: what could THEY be in for? The group leader will ask me my name, ill state it and my pronouns (to several uncomfortable shifts in the room), and theyll let me know what they were talking about. Ill make a good effort to participate, play along, etc. Someone in the group will be desperate to control the conversation, talking more and more as if this entire experience is just for them- another person will be too dissociated to say anyrhing, despite the doctors attebpts to get them to open up. Already, the cliques will become apparent; humans are aocial creatures, after all. When we leave for the next scheduled activity (either rec or lunch, depending on the time) the docs will be watching me- im on suicide watch, and they expe t me to jump out a window or try and slit my wrists with a paperclip or something. Im not a danger in this regard; ive been threatened with solitary and ECT if i dont comply before- i am their prisoner and i must comply. Within an hour or two of being there, ill be able to notice how well funded they are (or more likely, arent.) The quality of their reading materials; the availability of puzzles abd how well taken care of they appear. Recreation will be the most bare of kindergarden activities; coloring books, maybe a tv with basic cable. A daycare for adults, abd not the cool buzzfeed articles. Someone, probably an addict, will be trying to fanangle their attendee into giving them special treatement- a snack, or an extra smoke break. I'll be sitting in a corner, smirking- the staff arent even an eigth as dumb as this person thinks, and they've seen this type before. They might get something, but itll cost them sour looks from staff and less accommodating treatment with the doctors. After the second hour, we'll have another activity (second group, rec, or maybe "outside time" if its a particularly fancy facility; while the sun will certainly be shining, our feelings of freedom will be dampened by the high fances and walls keeping us from getting away). This is usually wheb the realization sets in that im stuck here for 72 hours plus, and ill be counting them down to stave off boredom. 15-30 minutes in to this third hour, ill be called in to meet tye psychiatrist, fisrt meeting with an attendee to fill out the generic details, then 30-45 minutes of diagnosis before im told ill be put on ab antidepressant, an anxiolytic, and tramodol, a sedative marketed as "something to help me sleep" and "another antidepressant" which makes me laugh every time. Tramodol is the auppressant, the "slow down" drug which helps keep everyobe on a nice, calm level thats safer for the orderlies. Were i violent, id concur; instead, i begin to wonder how long it will take before i no longer feel persistently asleep once i leave. A couple weeks, likely. Hopefully, the food will be good, but not likely 5 star- one place ive stayed had been cooking for us in the break room, sometimes PB&J, sometimes microwaved quesadillas. Maybe theyll have more drink options than coffee, water, and sugar-free koolaid- maybe not. Likely not. Some of us will complain; most of us will know it is a fruitless endeavor. After another group or two, it will be dinner, then wrap up group. We will discuss what progress we think we made today, and be sent to bed after meds are distributed in little paper ketchup cups. Most places wont do the "cuckoos nest" tongue check, but some will, particularly the ones with kleptos and pill ODers. Lights oyt will be around 10 pm, the beds will be plasticky and the blankets thin, and sleep will only cone rhanks to our sedatives. Day two, we'll be woken early, around 6-7, by an orderly checking our blood pressure and body temp. Well all gather in the hallway, rubbing sleep out of our eyes and head to the eating area for breakfast- which loooking back will likely be the best meal of the day, not the least be ause we have access to augar and caffiene. By now, i will likely have made a friend, probably with an older woman or two, and we will enjoy surreptitiously smirking at each other when the teoublemaker patwnt tries to get an omlette or something silly. Someone will start telling fanciful stories dreamed up in the night; talk will eventually turn to who is leaving today. The orderlies will be trying to not look too interested in what we reveal to each other instead of them. They will not succeed in this. Ths first morning they will use as a test of how i deal with frustration. An older nurse will act exasperated, as though taking care of me is a curse she was tasked with. She will try to cut theough any response i give her, and rudely discount anything i try to say, as if accuaing me of lying. Knowing it is coming doesnt help it hurt less. If it overwhelms me, ill be labeled as dramatic- if not, as detached. Sluggish from the new medications, i will be treated as though i ahould not be here, and will be led aroubd more quickly than i am rady to be. I will notice that part of it is that i am beginning to realize how broken down i feel i am. Reaching out will result in canned answers and "the doctor is busy's". After all, this iant about me, and theyve seen my type before. At lunch, i will be upset by the bland meal, abd ask if they have any hot sauce, or maybethey will be out of a preferred tea, or the food will not be enough to feed me. The newcomer who arrived at morning group will share a look with the quiet patient. I will try not to notice the parallels. A therapist will ask to talk to me today. It may be a nice session, but will essebtially boil down to "let me give you ideas for solving your problems, so that your depression seems more managed." By the end of the day, they will already begin my release plan. Theyve fixed me, they are sure. I will also get my clothes back. The aurvey will be slightly different today; instead of asking on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being best abd 10 being worst how was my day, it will be the opposite: scale of 1-10 with 1 being worst and 10 being best. This way, they can track how much is me being honest, and how much is me remembering numbers to fake it. (Once, a nurse messed up so often that it was a sentence by sentence change). Later, if there is any improvement, it will be used by the hospital as signs that treatment is helping; if it gets worse, that i had a rough day and shouldnt think much of it. Bedtime will come, and i will relish it- being sedated takes a lot out of a person. When morning comes, the eggs will feel soggy and cereal with be a much better choice. A bagel will be carried into morning group and more DBT will be discussed. I will mostly be checked out; they are pulling most of their material from a 12 step program, and the leader is a student of psychology learning how to help people, but ive heard it all before, and that sense of guilt just pushes me towards suicide harder. At this point, ill feel just how desperate they are to get me out; nurses eill hint at things being the "wrong" answer with " you dont REALLY mean that, do you sweetie?" and " well, you cant keep thinking THAT way, or we'll have to keep you here longer." Boredom and longing for home will encourage me to pretend to be better, and not tell them how last night before falling asleep i stared at the vedfrane wondering if i could take it apart and form a springwire noose, or tear the blankets to make a rope. When they ask if im feeling better, it will actually mean "are you done with your timeout from reality? Have you learned how to fit in properly yet?" The meds wont really begin having a noticable effect for months- they know im lying. What they hope for is a glimmer of hope and a mountain of guilt for wanting to hurt others by hurting myself. Ill fake those, too. Still, ill be misgendered. Still, theyll blame hormones and buzzfeed rather than neurology and chemistry. After all, im well-adjusted, not at all like the Caitlyn Jenners and Wachowskis they read about on their facebooks. Its just a phase, and im just confused. I didnt try to hurt myself- nothing is *really* wrong with me. What can i do? Try and strangle myaelf, or others? That just means im lashing out, and ill get a new med regime and another 3 days, this time strapped down. Being strapped to a bed and left alone is mind-numbingly boring. If i tell them i still want to kill myaelf, theyll just nod their head and tell me it will go away soon; if i say i have a plan, rheyll keep me playing chess and reading AA papers until i apologize. Their job is not to fix me, their job is to stabilize me and make sure i dont break myself more. The fixing is my responsibility. Day four is release day. They will claim i have made improvements and have me fill out an action plan for when i feel depressed again. It will include people i can call, and ways i can push through bad feelings. It is my exit exam.when i pass, ill be set up with a therapist outside the hospital later in the week, and told how to connect with various resources. They will think i didnt know there were trans support groups. I will think that if it was just a support group i needed, i wouldnt dream of death. Neither of us will admit these things. And so, ill come back to school. Late on homework, i will have to prostrate myaelf with dictors note beggibg for forgiveness. I will get it, more due to policy than empathy, and at the end of the day, i will lay in bed, stare up at the ceiling, and contemplate which of my top three anchor spots would be the best ending to my story. Other than medical bills, nothing will have changed. Life drones on. I think i understand why death seems,so much better. In death, i can pretend there is a solution. In death, i can imagine a cure. In death, i can envision a caretaker and easier existence. It doesnt matter that death is the end of it all- i can pretend it willl be more, and my imagination can create many comforts in that void. But even death is a lie, and nothing will ever stop hurting.

[spikeganuelas22]

this is a story of how i once cheated on my wife..

whenever a person cheats normally people would judge you and tell other people who you are based on their impression of you when you cheated.. its not a good thing i know.. its nor right, i know.. however, in life sometimes we have to pass that phaes in our life and move on.. learn from it and move forward..

i was a trainer intern back then.. it was my first time handling a class of my own because my colleague left me for a higher post on a different department..

ive experienced the worst in this batch of trainees, like pay dispute, behind topics, always late (like freakin 1 hour and not just 1), and of course absences...

i have these group of trainees that smoke, so of course i smoke with them.. they are a group of friends who always mock each other in a funny way but no one gets mad or angry in short - walang personalan - one of them is Jed.

i am married by the way, to a lesbian.. i really like having crushes and my partner is okay with it. im okay with it if she does have one too.. normally my crushes are lesbian who looks like boys or what we called 'butch'.

Ive been married to my wife for 6 years when this happened.. but we've been together for 7 years.. i love her so much.. we have been encountering some problems but its not that big of a deal.. we never fight over money nor because of third party.. we always deal with those properly and sometimes through joke.. the only thing that i have a problem with is her mom and her mouth.. like she is an overthinker and perfectionist.. lets leave it at that...

so going back.. Jed has become one of my friends inside the training room.. we are yosi buddies and we started joking around that she' my crush because of her co trainees.. they keep on making fun of us that we look good together.. so me being a bully myself, i went with it.. started showing them funny things like when they tease us i act like i am 'kinikilig'. inspite of the struggles i am encountering i try to remove my attention with all the problems and focus on the fun insidebthe training room..

i even have that one time, when we were smoking i introduced her to my partner and told my wife 'she' s my new baby' and we all laugh..

it was a fun time, i never knew thats the start of my problems...

everytime Jed has a time she would buy me food or anything l.. i didnt see it as something i should be worrying about.. rather i looked at it as a trainee that is concern...

as days go by i didnt notice that im finding myself having fondness with her.. i started appreciating everything she is doing.. i caught myself trying to stop the eagerness to smile while doing discussion because i can see her eyes looking through mine.. everything is normal for everyone.. but something in me is starting to boil...

one of my trainees Ai always tells me that we look good together, she even told us both to break up with our partners and be with each other, we just laughed and went with it as a joke..

then there came a day.. Ai was resigning.. I dont know whats happening in me so before she left, i told her that i think its not a joke for me anymore, im not sure. then she said the it 'its becoming real for you isnt it? " then i just smiled and said yes... when she said that i looked at my back i though i saw her pass by so i was nervous.. i told Ai not to tell anyone as i dont have any plans with the idea.. she said she will try..

that same day i was doing practice role play woth my trainees wheb Jed called her friend tine and they both went outside... i was nervous for no reason.. the thought that i think she heard me kills me cause it was never my intention..

when they went back, their both quiet and she just sat beside me while i do the roleplay.. i lean my head on her shoulder and then remove it again just to tease her and everyone.. for fun..

that same day is the first time i went lunch with them.. i was planning to buy myself a pack of cigarette so i hurried my lunch and went up.. she stopped and said she would come with me to buy hers to.. we both went to store, bought ourselves cigarettes and then proceeded to the smoking area.. it gelt like i really need to know if she does know or not and i cant help myself i dont know why.. so i just gave her a few hints like pieces of examples to express what i felt.. before we finished i asked her one last question 'do you realize what i want to tell you or what i' m really meant to say? ' and she just answered 'yes' with a smile..

all throughout that day i am confused cause i really dont know what to feel.. i think i like her but i love my wife.. i wanna be with her always but i miss my wife... btw at the time it happened, my wife was switched to dayshift when i was in nightshift..

normally at the end of the day, i would stay in the training room for a couple of minutes or an hour to finish my reports.. and Jed would leave because her gf is waiting for her at the smoking area.. we never smoked together after shift..

on that same day i gave her hints about how i feel, she stayed and i asked her to go smoke with me.. she told her gf i was giving her a few reports to do so she wont get mad.. then we smoke..

i'm still pretty sure she does know what i meant earlier that day but i just cant help but ask.. so i let it out.. i was surprised that she was a bit confused too.. so we let it out there..

"is it a yes or a no?" i asked

then, we both said "yes"

when we are smoking we talked about our partners.. like how much i love mine and we've been together for so long and with hers too that has been on going for a year and almost a half..

we both have the predicament that since we have mutual understanding this kight be a problem with our partners.. i even told her my problem with at home, that my partner cant leave the house and live on our own because of tons of reasons.. i even told that how Jec (my partner) and I met, it was the same as what is happening with me and Jed right now... that we are both on a relationship...

she also rant that maybe the reason were like that is because she too is going through rough time on their relationship because her gf parents doesnt know their dating..

yet, we both had an understanding that it is what it is.. we dont want to ruin our relationship with our gf and wife so we'll jist go qith the flow.. and we did..

when i got home, i really dont know what i should feel.. i am happy with Jecbi love her so much and i dont want to leave her.. but their home is not my home, our home.. its not where i can be to help me grow with Jec in our relationship.. and Jed on the other hand, i like her so much that im excited to go to work to see her again.. i always look forward to seeing her early at work just so we can smoke and chat for long before the class starts..my thoughts were interrupted when i receive a message from Jed through my messenger.. she just said she is not feeling well and that she wont be able to go to work.. i just replied okay and take care cause i know she is with her gf that time and i dont wanna be someone she should worry about.. i feel guilty enough that i am already starting to like Jed and i dont need a person to faceslap me with the truth that we cant be together you know..

so when i answered the conversation started.. we talked about our relationships with our partners, how we met them, how long are we both wiyh them.. struggles, their good traits..

normally Jec would call to check up on me before i go to sleep so thats where all the hidden conversation started.. i told her i'd be sleeping but the truth is i have been talking to Jed the whole time.. we didnt even sleep.. Jec didnt know that.. i felt horrible but i ignored it cause im happy talking to Jed..

that shift was the day that it became official i am cheating..

we walked for an hour during lunch in a place where there were no people around.. i even dared her that she can kiss me in public.. and so we did..

on that same shift, before we get home, it was a saturday.. my trainees and i went to drink.. Jec allowed me too and all my trainees were very supportive with my relationship with Jed..

I got soo drunk that I asked Jed to take me out for fresh air.. that is when i brought her to the seaside bay near where we are drinking.. i told her that i might give up Jec.. that i think i can let her go that time.. so i dared her..

Jed and I ended up together same day and i didnt check my notification or phone for hours..

when i checked after 3-4 hours i had 70 missed calls and tons of messages from Jec.. one of her messages says "gnawa mo na to sakin dati sarah tangina naman.." then i realized Jec already know.. she finally knew what was happening.. and i felt numb.. i dont know how to react, what to feel.. all i know is.. im along now and that i needed to find a place to stay..

i answered the call finally and i just let Kec spoke.. she is giving up on me, she told me she will be gone at the house for me to take my things and our ebike.. i dont have money and i have jowhere to stay but i said sorry and okay.. i really dont know what to do..

when i came back to Jed she focused on the fact of where i would go and where would i get money to start.. i only have ₱20 in my pocket.. i dont even know how to go Jec's home to grab my stuff..

i asked Jed if i can stay with her but since she too is having a problem and quarell with her gf at the moment, and her gf is waiting for her at her house she yold me she cant and maybe i could stay with one of my trainees home.. i said no.. my career is all i have left at the moment and it will be ruined after all of this then if i choose to stay at my trainees house.. so i said ill come up with something..

we rode a bus going to nacoor cause i decided ill just try to loan cash from one of the oldest loaning company i know which fortunately has a branch in bacoor.. Jed went with me..

then, Gi called.. my friend and Jec too.. she called me asking questions like where are you? are you with her? dont you wanna fix this? dont you wanna talk?

my answers are all just,

"i dont know"

"even I, myself cant forgive myself forball of this"

"i dont know how to face Jec anymore"

"i love Jec but i dont know how to fix this"

after the call, one of our friends which we called nanay and tatay called, asking where am i and would like to pick me up... they knrw i dont have anyone to go to so kaybe they figured to take me in.. i said okay and we set up a place and time to meet..

after a while, i spoke to Jed, i told her that if there will be an us, i dont want it to start like this because that is how Jec and i started.. we may or may not be able to fix this - jec and i - but it doesnt mean we will continue..

after that we dropped by at imus near Jed home, thats when i realized how desperate i am and how lonely i was.. i cant call mu friends because their Jec's friend.. i cant go anhwhere because i dont have money.. Jed by thw wat lend me a few hundred just so i can get through the day and asked me to call her once i decided what to do..

Gi called me again asking if i can talm to Jec at the seaside.. she said i have to face her.. so i did say yes..

while on the van, i was trying to think of what am i doing with my life.. trying to figure out what im going to do with it now that almost all of my friends, all ky colleagues, all my life have been circling around Jec and i dont know what to do, this situation i place myself on and where would i go.. i cant feel anything.. i cant feel a damn thing.. i dont feel angry nor happy nor sad nor depressed.. all i know is im disapointed with myself.. witb all of this that i did.. i dont evven know who i reallh love or like. i really dont know.. all i know is, i wanna go back to baguio starg a new life there and be on my own where no one knows me.. but i cant..

so when i arrived at seaside, i saw a couple of friends who i think alreadg knew whats happening..

i met Jec in the ebike and she was already in tears, i felt pity and sorry for her for everything.. she does not deserve this pain.. she does not deserve this but i did wrong.. i can still hear whag she said before that if i will have a 3rd party better do it with a man than a lesbian.. or else she wont accept me.. that keeps on ringing in my ear while i was there..

Jec has been begging me to go home with her and everything will be fixed but i just said hurtful words to her..

like " panu kung ulitin ko?"

"tatanggapin moko tapos gagawin ko ulit, kaya mo ko tanggapin ulit?" but everytime she keeps asking me if i still love her, i know i do and said yes i do.. that is enough for her and then she strated vomiting.. she has terrible acid reflux and crying is bad for her.. so i said we'll go home.. on the way she yold me no one else knew at home what was happening only Jem.. and i knew she was in rage because of what i did.. i cant imagine how awful a person i am for everything i did to Jec..

so when we went home, in the room.. Jec and i talked.. i told her everything.. i told her that i think i love Jed.. i told her that i was happy with her but i dont wanna let Jec go.. i dont know which one to choose but i wanna choose Jec.. so she gave me a week just like what i did when she was the one who cheated on me.. i said okay..

later that night nanay and tatay arrived.. thats when my tears fell.. thats when i started to feel. i started feeling disapointment, regret pain and everything.. like killing myself..

i wanna leave and run away from all of it.. but i cant..

the day after that night i called Jed, told her that ive finally decided andbthat im letting her go, she was so angry at me.. she evem said i was a talk shit.. she was so mad but she asked menif i can just choose her.. and i said no.. i told her that if she come near me again ill hurt her..

after that i ended the call and go through the day as usual.. there is awkwardness between me and Jec but i keep on ignoring it because ive finally decided that ill choose Jec.. i choose her because i thought back then that weve been together for 7 years.. this isnt the first time i foind incatuation with another person yet i still stayed.. after all weve been through i still stayed because i really cant live without her, i cant even sleep without her beside me.. and also, i cant imagine seeing her moving on and loving another because i left.. and most of all, i still love her, that even if i found happiness with a different person i still find myself loving her, hugging her and never wanting to let her go.. i love her.. that i know..

later that day Gi and Jec got drunk and me too.. i wasbso sober that i didnt know whats happening around me and that Jec unfortunately called Jed and hearing Jed gf instead.. i dont know what theyve talked about but all i know is Jecs wants to hear Jeds side of the story..

next day i received a text from Jeds gf asking if we can all sit down and talked about what had happened.. Jec and I agreed but i was so nervous.. i dont know what to say or do because i know this is my fault.. Jec knows that im a scaredy cat qhen it comes to confrontation so she supported me all the way..

we all 4 met at a coffe bar and talked.. most of the talking was Jec and Jeds gf.. all throughout the conversation, Jec is trying to have Jed speak but all the talking was her gf.. and everything didnt go well.. all the fault and fingers were pointed at me.. that i started it that i provoked it and that Jed has nothing to do with it.. i felt terrible because it was all our fault.. but why is it only me?

before the conversation end, Jed asked if we can talk. Jec said yes and so is Jed gf. they left and that when i burst.. she told me that her gf is only trying to protect her.. and i told her that she and her gf made me look like i alone did the deed and she doesnt have to do anything to it.. i told her that i almost pick her over Jec but good thing i didnt because she is not worth it.. i was so mad at her for what happen that day but we all 4 had a deal.. that no one will bully Jed and that everything will go back to the way it was..

after that day Jed and I never got to talk again, i ignored her and she did the same.. i never showed her a hint of what i was going through like how hard it js for me to accept everything, make me look like i did everything on purpose.. i hurt all of them without remorse and that i use people for my own happines..

nobody knows how i felt that time because i do t wanna open up, i dont deserve synpathy nor empathy because i did this to myself.. i did all of this.. yet im so angry because evryone is pointing their fingers at me as if they knew me because of what had happened..

after a few days all was good. everything was almost back to normal. i always tell Jec what is happening in the training room, who im with.. everything.. but she cant really moved on with just that, Jec ia the type of person that would want to knwo both side of the story and on herbperspective, Jed never loved me while i loved her and almost picked her over Jec.. this pissed her off so she tried many times talking to Jed getting her side of the story but Jed keeps on messing around and not saying the truth..

this made Jec more angrier to the point that Jed even said i started all of it and that im not stopping trying to show her i still want us together.. so i told all of ohr friends that the deal is off and anyone can bully Jed.. i was so mad..

there tines before that she was the one who teases me.. like hello? youll put clover in your kouth and ask me to get it uaing my mouth? when i declined you used polo candy?? she even gave me a gift which has nothing to me but big deal to Jec so i returned it and she got angry..

like what did i do? i know i did something a while back like tease her but for me that was to show everyone that were the same people nothing happened no issues..

so after few days of argument and quarell.. Jec finally found a way to get her peace of mind.. Jed told me before that she normally express her true feelings through twitter.. so i followed her using my dummy quote section account and started tweeting.. at firat it was all me but the next tweets are all posted by Jec.. so that is when Jec find her peace of mind.. she found out that Jed really loves me.. but not brave enough to fight for me because i chose Jec..

eventually Jed and i have to have closure.. and because of that tweeter acvpunt we were able to do it.. i told her the truth that i thought that time i was just using her because me and Jec is on a rough situation in our relationship.. i hurt her i know but that is the truth.. i realized that i liked Jed but i dont really love her.. i just love the experience i had with her because Jec and I are not that way anymore.. we hoth grow and treated each other as best friends the intimacy and romance was gone.. thats why i felt that way with Jed..

i know im such a bad person but i know everyone deserves the truth.. i finally realize how awful of a person i am..

after few days Jec is somehow doing okay though she still has hard feelings towards Jed but its not that big of a deal anymore.. when everything was gojng back to normal.. i felt like i needed to say sorry to Jed so i asked Jec if i can and she did allow me..

Jed and i talked.. i thanked her for everything and felt sorry that we have to go through all of that.. i evem told her how sorry i am for everuthing she has to go through because of me that Jec deserves the truth but were all past that now.. she was also thankful because that time Jed and her gf finally told her gf parents about their relationship..

all is well and everything was back to normal.. there were awkwardness but i think that is part of it..

the only problem i have left was to forgive myself..

after ll of this i realized how i pirtant Jec is in my life that i almost gave up on her, when i cant even live by myself without her in my life..

all the problems were going through has an answer and all the things we lack to make the relationship work has to be worked on by us not by other people.. i realized that it was infatuation and attention i seek why i did those crimes.. i hurt people and i am sorry.. i never should have let that happen but it happened anyways so i choose to move on instead..

as of now im still with Jec we celebrated our 8th year anniversary, i gave her all the gifts she wanted on her bday.. i know it is not enough but im really trying..

from now on, even if i am still trying to forgive myself i will try mg best to make Jec feel loved that i deserve her.. that she deserves me.. we might have problems but we will always always work things out..

i may have hurt her but ill make an everyday ritual to make her happy..

thank you for reading my story.. hope we all learn from it.

regards,

Sarah G.

[mandaabsher0505-blog]

Drugs and relationships part 2...

Okay so to keep on with what i was writhing, I was the poster child for anti drugs... I raised my nephews like they where mine sender i was 12, i took on my grandma's responsibilitys as a goose wife for two years when she had her knees replaced, on top of working full time and going thru- finishing up school with a 4.0....I had no time in ny life for drugs or boys who did them.. Than I got older and I took a vacation for a few weeks was the plan, to Wasgington State where my mother and brother was. I had just lost my job and was getting over taking vicodins like one takes breaths.... And so last minutes i went wheb my sister decided she wasnt going to go and the tickets where already bought.. Well thise few weeks ended up being years and years, approximently 7 years...

While in washington I meet a man who brought me back to pills, to oxys and perc. 30s this time. And then once they where no longer enough he bbrought me to heroin... See i knew all about the meth side of drugs cause thats what my family delt with. But no one warned me what pain pills where and if a doctor was who gave them to you than they cant be to bad for you right.. I had no idea it lead to heroin and the distruction of yourself and your life.. But thats exactly what it did..

I stayed with that man for 5 or 6 years.. We had t wo beautifuk babys, who the first a little girl, was born addicted to pills, than the second a baby boy, addicted to hsroin.. I had my girl for the firat two years of her life, the best two years of mine... Without to. mmmmuch details, the fathers mother, thought she was doing the right thing and didnt realize what she was doing woukd destroy me and leave me turnning to dope to help me cope with the lose, called cps on us after she kicked us out amd made us himeless amd claimed we abondanded our baby..

So now i was left on the streets in a state where my brother was in prison, my mother left and went back home to cali and i had no one... And i couldnt go back to cali leaving my baby so I found a hustle, panehandleing at the airport( made 100-300$ a day) and lived on the streets.. At one point had a tent off pac highway in this little forest area.. That was the. Good thing about washington, so many trees and forest like areas even in the citys.. And pac highway had a bus going up and down it all day and nighy with a few places open 24 hours like a mcdonalds and a taco shop where i would stay at all the tine if i wasnt at the airport making money and getting high.. Where i got pregnant again and this time it was dificult as hell. Byt thats another story for another day....

Well i eventually came back to cali to vet sober and i was for 5 months until i ran into a guy down here who i asked to never bring me around heroin.. And thats the first thing he did.. So i had found it here now and felt i had no where safe to hide from this.. And right than my boy friend- father of my kids had left me and I was dealing with that and not having my kids at all,couldnt visit or anything with. Them now.. That i feel right back in.. And have been down ever sense.. Going on 5 years now. And now i have turned to escortting to pay my way and my habits.. And. Shit has just got much more complicated so much worse.

I am now going five years with this other man who i now have two kids with and its a new leavel of love- hate.. I have never been with someone who can speak to well so kindly one moment, i love you cant live without you.. Your mine blah blah and than literally a few minutes later after nothing has happened except in his fucked off mind, now im a whore and he hates me and i m a huge piece of shit who isnt worthy of him and his kids and. He cant believe what i do to make money i must not love him.. But he doesnt do anytbing to get me to stop.. Doesnt make any cash himself or get a job or i dont have to do this... But uts all on me and im a piece of shit somedays for this... Its just so fucked up.. But we r jist as addicted to each other as we r our dope.. It suchs so hard. Leaves a person who w as once so strong and had the world going for them, to a piece of shit loser who doesnt even want to look at themselfs in the mirror anymore..

Anyways ive got to go get ready for another cilent.. Talk to u all later