#Which I HATED that when we got to that part me my classmate who played Telemachus and some others had to stand—

[brainfilehasstoppedworking]

Kinda wanna get into Epic the Musical. I really did like reading the kinda more summed up version of The Odyssey, but it was quite enjoyable either way. Though I kinda started hating it because of my teacher. But either way, it was an interesting read.

Plus, some of the songs sound really good :3

[runningfrom2am]

leveling the playing field X

summary: with nowhere else to go after getting caught cheating to help lucy gray, you both make some desperately stupid decisions.

pairing: coriolanus snow x fem!reader

wc: 3.1k

tags/warnings: capitol brat!reader, maybe slightly ooc coryo, idk i tried my best. do they love each other or hate each other? who knows (we do, kind of). implications and mentions of abuse, so read with caution!! also a little bit of swearing but that's neither here nor there

masterlists // nav // requests

a/n: hi all!! i have some slightly annoying news (I'm so sorry) but i think i have to close my taglist for this fic and for other coryo stuff (which i am working on bc I've seen the requests!!) bc its gone up almost 150 people and i can only tag 50 people per post and it is SO much work to tag everyone individually even after i paste them in and i don't want to have to reblog it 2 or 3 times to tag everyone :(. I'm so sorry like i said ik its annoying but if you'd like to be the first to know ab new parts and you're not already in my taglist, feel free to turn on my post notifs!! that way you'll also see everything else including my asks ab the fic where i answer more questions and we talk theories and all that fun stuff :)

next part

Coriolanus was having a hard time adjusting to the life of a peacekeeper, but he was getting there. He sent off that letter for you almost as soon as he arrived, but was yet to receive a response so that seemed like an answer enough. He had to forget you, especially if he wasn't going back to the Capitol anytime soon.

He was homesick, to say the very least. Both of his bunkmates were out, likely working, but he didn't care much to know exactly where. He was just relieved to have a moment to himself to wallow in his self-pity, chest constricting tighter and tighter with every breath.

A door slammed shut down the hall, followed quickly by his own door opening- at which he held his breath. He had to get it together.

"Is this bunk taken?" Someone asks, a voice not belonging to either of his bunkmates, but he recognizes it nonetheless.

He shot up straight, taking in the appearance of the boy in front of him. "Sejanus!" He had never been happier to see his classmate, hopping out of his top bunk to quickly give him a hug.

"This is a surprisingly warm welcome for someone who almost got you killed." Sejanus chuckled, hugging him back.

Coryo laughs slightly, pulling away and grabbing his shoulders. "Oh, no. Quite the opposite. What are you doing here?"

"About the same as you." He shrugs, sliding his things under the bed below Coryo's. "They were going to expel me, but my dad paid them for my grad certificate and let them send me here. They got a new gym on the condition that they let us both graduate."

Coryo should be relieved, but a graduation certificate doesn't matter much if he's stuck here for the next twenty years. "And Y/N/N?" He asks.

"Y/N?" Sejanus asks, lifting his head back in confusion. "What about her?"

"Did she graduate too?"

"I... I don't know, I didn't know she was in trouble. We were told she was sick."

Coriolanus's stomach drops. That's a story he'd certainly heard before, and he didn't like at all how that ended. He swallows, nodding a little bit as he looks at the floor. "So you didn't see her at all?"

"No... Not since the last time I saw you." Sejanus states. It had been a few weeks now. "But, her mother came to our door a week or so ago, real early in the morning. Ma shooed me away but I heard them talking, it seemed like she didn't know where Y/N was either. She was looking for her, wondering if any of us had seen her."

Again, this is what Coryo had seen before with what happened to Clemensia. Her parents weren't allowed to see her at all while she was in the hospital. "I think she's dead." He admits.

"What? What makes you say that?" His friend gasps.

"I... I heard her screaming when I left our meeting with Highbottom." Coriolanus explains. "At first it was normal Y/N screaming, you know, but then it got worse and worse until it just... stopped." He hoped Sejanus would change his story, that he would remember seeing you at school or on the streets or at one of your parent's obnoxious parties, having a good time, and being yourself. That maybe he had just forgotten, but the look on Sejanus's face tells him that didn't happen.

It was Sejanus's turn to look down now, giving a solemn nod. "I mean, no." He laughs suddenly, shaking his head. "They wouldn't kill her on campus- if you could hear it, she's not dead. They wouldn't kill her just like that, right?" He says, trying to convince himself of that truth. "Surely she's just sick. Maybe grounded, or something."

"Yeah, yeah. Probably..." Coriolanus concedes, hoping that somehow Sejanus was right.

Simultaneously, you were adjusting beautifully to life in District Twelve. You got in the habit of borrowing Lucy Gray and Barb Azure's clothes, and they let you sleep on the floor between their beds. For the first time in your life, you were free. No one knew you, no one had a single expectation of you besides Tam Amber appreciating your help with the goats and occasionally going to the market with Lucy Gray and Maude Ivory to get food. It was refreshing, to say the very least. Everyday you felt yourself unwinding more and more.

"Do you play any instruments, Y/N?" Maude Ivory asks you, skipping to catch up to you as you hike down a trail out to the lake with the rest of the covey.

"I do, actually." You nod at her, a small smile on your face. "Try three."

"Three!" She claps excitedly. "What do you play? You'll have to perform with us! Do they have different instruments where you're from?"

"Not really." You giggle, putting your hands in the pockets of your bright red skirt. "I play the piano, and the violin, which is just like Clerk Carmine's fiddle, but much more boring, and a harp, if you've ever heard of that."

"You play the fiddle?" The young girl smiles.

"Not like he does." You smile at the boy as he walks ahead of you, not paying any attention.

"I'm sure you're just as well." Lucy Gray interjects, bumping her shoulder with yours as she walks next to you. "Maude Ivory, you should hear her projection. I'm yet to hear her sing, but boy, can she yell."

"I can't sing." You laugh, shaking your head. "Back home you don't sing unless you're training for the opera, and you have to start that around the same time you learn to walk. My parents would rather me learn the piano."

"Then why am I the one yellin' at all our shows? You should step up." Maude Ivory giggles, and you just shake your head, ruffling her hair.

"I definitely couldn't do it nearly as well as you." You insist. "Besides, I have stage fright." You joke, mostly to get her off your back.

She laughs as she fixes her hair, running to catch up with the kids in front of her.

"She just adores you." Lucy Gray smiles. "It's nice to have a new face around."

You smile, watching Maude Ivory collect flowers from the side of the road. "She reminds me of my brother. They're about the same age."

"Right, you lent me his guitar." Lucy Gray says, a particular sadness in her tone tipping you off that she believes you should be upset about leaving him. You miss him, sure, but he's better off now with you gone. Besides, he couldn't be any worse than you. Your parents have always doted over him, and there's no doubt in your mind that now that you are gone, it's multiplied.

"Yes. That's him." You reply, accompanying a moment of silence between the two of you.

"Do you miss him?"

"Sure." You nod, kicking a small stone down the path in front of you. "But he's better off without me there. That brings me enough peace to sleep at night."

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Shoot." You smile at her, grateful for the change of topic.

"What happened to Coriolanus?" For the first time in weeks, you feel a pinch of discontent in your gut at her question.

"I don't know." You lie, shrugging your shoulders. You don't even know why you felt the urge to lie at all, you knew he was here somewhere but you hadn't seen him once. Out of sight, out of mind is what you have been trying to convince yourself. "He's alive, I'm sure. Peacekeeping in one of the districts probably."

"Oh, I was hoping you would know more."

"It would be nice." You agree. "But he's not exactly in my good graces at the moment."

"It feels so out of character for him to betray you like that, doesn't it?" Lucy Gray asks.

You laugh, shaking your head. "It was unusual. That's what I thought, anyway." You sigh, giving a slight shrug. "I haven't told anyone, but we had... I don't know, a moment, a few weeks ago. During the games. Just a couple of days later and he's throwing me under the bus like I meant nothing to him. We've been friends for years- I thought everything was about to change for the better, and then..."

"That's cruel." She says disapprovingly. "I bet he's sorry now that you're gone with the wind. He's regretting it. I promise you that much."

You smile slightly at the thought, allowing yourself to entertain it, if only for a moment. "He better be."

"Is that for me? Oh, c'mon y'all, you know that I gave up drinkin' when I was twelve..." Lucy Gray says, taking a sip out of the clear liquor bottle someone in the audience handed to her. "Oh, It's to clear my pipes, just to clear my pipes." She clarifies, tossing the bottle back into the audience.

Coriolanus watches leaning against the side wall of The Hob. He's happy to see that Lucy Gray is back to doing what she loved, and she made it home alive and well. He's also more than pleased to finally get off the barracks for something other than work. "Now, who's ready for a song, huh?" She smiles, looking down off the stage to her right. "Okay, comin' right up. First, I'd like to introduce to the stage with a big welcome, a grand ole friend of mine, The lovely Sage!" She says, giggling at her rhyme as another girl climbs up on stage, giving Maude Ivory and Lucy Gray a quick hug each.

Coriolanus looks away as the crowd cheers, scanning the crowd for Sejanus who had just excused himself to grab a drink a couple minutes ago. He's wondering where his roommate could have disappeared to when Lucy Gray's friend starts speaking.

"Well hello, everyone, so lovely to meet you all! I have never felt so welcome anywhere." His head snaps back to the stage. He'd know that Capitol accent anywhere, even as you pause to allow any cheers to quiet down. "I mean that." You grin, hands clutched to your chest. "And that feels so good, considering Lucy Gray all but forced me up here." You laugh, draping an arm over her shoulder, letting her take back over. How could this be real? Coryo is tempted to rub his eyes or pinch himself to make sure he's even awake. He was so sure you were dead, but despite the different name and completely different clothes, he was positive it was you. The pang in his chest made that obvious, along with the wave of surrealism that suddenly surrounded him so all he could see was you.

"Now, my beautiful girl Sage here will be taking over for our friend on the fiddle, we'll give the band a quick break, and we're gonna have a bit of a change of pace while she's lending us her talents." Lucy Gray says, and Coriolanus watches as you take the beat-up violin from the young boy gratefully. He knew you played, but he hadn't heard it for years. You looked so calm, something he wasn't sure he had seen in public since you were young. He can't pull his eyes from your figure as it graces the stage with your presence, lighting up the room even if it was only for him.

A small smile grows on his face as you start to play, several whistles echoing through the room before Lucy Gray even joins in with her singing. He wants to scream, to cheer and clap and yell and tell everyone in this dark, rundown building that this 'Sage' was his. Inarguably and undoubtedly his. Coryo's pride is only curtailed when he recognizes the song; it was the ballad Lucy Gray played in her interview on your brother's guitar.

The sophistication your violin playing brought to the piece almost made it sadder and infinitely more haunting. It's beautiful. Now with your classical touch, the song sets a pit of guilt in his stomach. That somehow, even without you singing, it's now a ballad from you to him.

"Just let me remind you what I am to you..."

He makes eye contact with Lucy Gray as he shifts his gaze away from you. She pauses for only a moment, hands still moving rhythmically over the strings of her guitar. She smiles and nods at him, jaw slightly agape as she glances back at you to see if you noticed him. When it's clear you haven't, she gets back on track with the words within only a moment.

"'Cause I am the one who looks out when you're leaping. I am the one who knows how you were brave..."  Your lips turn up in a small smile as she sings, eyes still shut while you focus. Even though he's sure you're thinking of him, it doesn't bring him much consolation. Well, at least you were thinking of him. He would take it.

The song ends as quickly as it starts, and despite the slower tone, the audience is still excited. More so as the band returns to the stage and you return the violin to Clerk Carmine before turning back around to give a bow. You wave out to the audience, reveling in the whistles and praise before reaching out for an extended hand, accepting it as its owner helps you down. "That was stunnin', where'd you learn to play like that? I've never heard anything quite like it." The man asks, still holding your hand out in between you.

"Oh, thank you. I've been playing my whole life." You grin as the music picks up again.

"Can you dance like you can play?" He asks, lifting your arm to spin you.

"I can certainly try." You laugh, going along with it as he pulls you into a more open space of the crowd, and to Coriolanus, it seems like you're taunting him. You're dancing like you don't have a care in the world, dressed in a skirt that looked like it was made out of a red bed sheet cut up and stitched back together in half-hazard squares, and what looked like one of your t-shirts cut up into a tank top that exposes most of your stomach and back. Appallingly too, a smile present on your face that he had dreamt of seeing again one day but was certain he never would. The only problem is that you're dancing with someone else. Not that he was much of a dancer, but he could try if he had known that's what you wanted.

He's planning his method of attack. He can't leave without speaking to you, because he doesn't even know if you'll be back here the next time he gets a day off. Though, based on your appearance and newfound carelessness, it's likely.

His urge is just to kiss you, but the only thing holding him back is that it could set you off. If you hadn't heard his apology from miles away, would you still be angry at him? But actions speak louder than words. He knows that physicality works with you, and it was hard to deny that he hadn't dreamt of how soft your lips felt on his for weeks. One time was just simply not enough for Coryo.

Coriolanus scowls as the man you're dancing with spins you again, making you laugh as he drapes an arm around your waist.

Maybe he should get Sejanus, see if he's seen you yet.

Another spin, and a hand sliding lower down your bare back as the man pulls you closer, his fingers landing on the waistband of your skirt. When was the last time that scumbag had so much as washed his hands? Coryo wonders to himself, rage boiling up under his skin.

Kiss her. Definitely kiss her.

But if the song choice was any indicator, you definitely weren't pleased with him. It couldn't be, though, because how would you know he would be in attendance? Coryo finds his feet carrying him through the crowd, pushing past a dozen carelessly drunk people in his effort to get to you before he's even thought it all through.

Your brow furrows as a body forces itself between you and your dancing partner. "Hey! What are you-" You cut yourself off, hypnotized by the cold blue eyes staring down at you.

That's my girl. Even though you're angry, Coriolanus is grateful to be the object of your gaze once more.

"'Scuse me, man, do you mind?" The man says, making an effort to push Coryo away. He turns, and before you can intervene he's swinging his fist right at the other guy's face, finding its target in a fraction of a second.

He stumbles back, grabbing his face as it immediately drips blood from his nose onto the floor. There are gasps in the crowd as it disperses around you.

"Hey, settle down, settle down now." You hear Lucy Gray call out amidst the music playing in the background while you grab the back of Coryo's shirt, pulling him back before he continues to beat up your dancing partner.

"Coriolanus, what are you doing here?" You shout over the music. He shakes out his fist, turning back to you now and grabbing your face, pulling you closer to kiss you instead of dignifying you with a response. His actions would certainly speak louder.

You want to be angry, but that falters as you feel his lips on yours again, his hands planted firmly on either side of your waist as he holds onto you so tight you weren't sure breathing was an option- even if you could. You followed him here, of course you wanted to see him, but how could he betray you so easily and expect forgiveness in a kiss?

It takes you longer than it probably should to build up the courage to place your hands on his chest, shoving him back. "What is wrong with you?" You spit, looking him up and down in the blue uniform signified of a peacekeeper off duty.

"What's wrong with me?" He asks, looking around and gauging how many people were even taking notice. "What do you mean, Y/N/N, I wanted to-" Clearly you hadn't heard his silent apology, or it just wasn't enough.

"Hey!" You hiss, jumping at him and attempting to cover his mouth at the use of your nickname, and he quickly swats away your hand. "Let's go. Outside, now." You shove him back by his chest, pointing towards the exit.

You look up at Lucy Gray on stage, still singing as she watches you nervously. You give her a nod and a small reassuring smile before linking arms with Coryo and guiding him toward the door. Just like old times.

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i've closed my taglist for coryo now!! sorry to everyone who wanted to be added, but unfortunately there was significantly more demand than i expected and i sadly just cant tag everyone. BUT! if you still want notifications when i post for this fic, please turn on my post notifs!!

[ssruis]

Hello welcome to yet another post that was 1) originally meant to be a short thing but it rapidly got out of hand 2) caters to me specifically 3) is all over the place because I kept finding more things I wanted to talk about

The way rui approaches emotions is so fascinating to me bc like. He approaches everything with a very rational/logical thought process instead of an emotional one and he tends to either ignore his emotions or view them as an obstacle/hinderance.

(From his gleaming stars card story)

If he acknowledges that he’s upset or unhappy he tends to just go “oh well. What can you do.” & then berates himself for not wanting to be unhappy. I feel like a lot of that can be explained by his childhood alienation from his peers.

In RMD his reaction to his classmates refusing to take part in his play once he explained the tree jump stunt & them calling him weird is to blame himself:

Little Nene: Rui, what’s the matter? Did something sad happen?

Little Rui: Nene… No. That’s not it. I pushed my show onto everyone and bothered them.

(From RMD - TL by Arven Oven)

Which is pretty telling. To Rui, the issue is that he asked for too much, that he as a person is something that must be tolerated by his peers.

But ultimately he still has faith that he’ll find his people.

Little Rui: …That’s right. People like you, Nene, who would say that they like my shows, surely exist out there. I want to make my own shows. But as of now - I think it might be a little hard.

(RMD)

And he *did* keep trying to find people who would accept him for a while - Wonder Halloween shows that he continued to try to reach out even after the stuff that happened in RMD, but eventually anyone he got a little close to would end up leaving & reinforcing his idea that he was too different from others to form relationships.

(From Wonder Halloween)

I’ve seen some people say him giving up on forming relationships was due to the events shown in RMD, but I think it was more of a result of him experiencing the same rejection over and over again. The definition of insanity is trying over and over again when the result never changes, and despite what his peers may think, Rui is not insane. I think he gradually lost faith in his parents assurance that he would find people who accepted him - he begins pushing Nene, the only person who hasn’t left him yet, away.

Middle School Rui: I’m working on a solo project… but I haven’t found anyone else like you that’s willing to help.

Middle School Nene: oh, I see…

Middle School Nene: then would you like to join the troupe I’m in…?

Middle School Nene: I mean, uh…

Middle School Rui: hehe. It’s nice of you to invite me, but there’s no need to pity me. I’m doing ok on my own, and it’s for the best anyway.

(From Wonder Halloween)

Why he pushed Nene away is sort of left up to interpretation - To protect her from himself? To leave her before she left like everyone else? - but I think the assumption that her invitation is out of pity show that at least part of his decision to push her away was out of the belief that she, like everyone else, was simply tolerating him. If he assumes everyone hates him/is scared of him right off the bat, he can avoid getting his hopes up and being crushed when he’s inevitably abandoned. It’s not unhealthy or detrimental to forming relationships he’s just recognizing a pattern and using it to predict the behavior of others (blatantly wrong).

Zombie Plushies: We can tell you’re just pretending to be friends! Deep down, you’re probably scared and disgusted by us too!

(…)

Zombie Plushies: We’ll never fit in with them anyway…

Rui: …! (Never fit in with them, huh…)

(…)

Rui: When I look at them… I remember how things used to be.

(WXS world link, TL by Haruka’s penguin)

He rationalized his loneliness with “I’m just incompatible with other people” which

1) ow.

2) if he’s incompatible with other people, there’s no reason to get his hopes up because he’ll never find people he fits in with

3) if nothing is ever going to get better, he should be content with being alone. There’s no reason to be sad over a fact of life. It is what it is.

4) being sad over this is inconvenient, unhelpful, and a distraction from following his dreams (on his own)

5) inflicting himself onto others is a selfish desire and he should just keep to himself. “It’s for the best, anyway.”

6) he’s perfectly fine on his own. He doesn’t need anyone for his shows, and he doesn’t need friends.

By the time the WXS main story takes place, he’s already fully convinced himself that he’s better off alone, and that Actually It’s Super Beneficial For Him & His Shows And He’s Fine Like This.

Middle School Rui: Solitude isn’t as bad as people make it out to be.

Middle School Mizuki: huh?

Middle School Rui: In fact, it has had certain benefits for me. It’s given me plenty of time to see plays and to think over ideas for shows, for example.

(Kamikou festival)

Rui: hehe. Unfortunately, we won’t be doing a show together.

Rui: you see, I like to work alone and with absolute freedom to stage any show I want.

Rui: as long as my shows fill my audience’s hearts with joy, I’m perfectly satisfied.

(WXS main story) (“I’m perfectly satisfied” me when I lie)

I feel like it’s overlooked that the only reason rui joined wxs was to get nene in the group. I’m probably going to talk about his continued pushing of Tsukasa’s limits/suggesting insane stunts and over emphasizing how dangerous they are at a later date - and how that was (imo) an attempt to find the point where Tsukasa would hate and leave him too -

(surely this is too good to be true, Tsukasa/wxs will be like all the others -> wait he’s not calling me a freak and leaving ok I guess I’ll go full throttle on the insane shit surely at some point he’ll get tired of me -> he got injured because of me and he’s still here?? what the fuck???? Well now I care about him & this group so I need to pull back I’m not going to get a second chance)

(Wonder Halloween)

- but I would like to briefly mention that Rui literally suggests risking Tsukasa’s life right off the bat & when Tsukasa is like “?? I don’t want to die???” Rui just goes “alright I’m out of the group I guess bye. have fun nene!”

Rui: Don't worry, the device can be securely attached to the stage in a way that will keep the audience perfectly safe. Please make sure you don't touch it or you'll die.

Tsukasa: what about keeping ME safe?!

(…)

Tsukasa: I’m not going to risk my life on-stage!

Rui: but you said you’d perform any role I gave you to, quote, 12000%, unquote!

Rui: I'm afraid that I have no choice but to step down as a stage director. Nene, good luck working with these people.

(Wxs main story)

Unfortunately humans are a social species & emotions don’t follow (faulty) logic so rui *was* unhappy on his own and he *did* want to have friends. Which I’m sure he continued to call himself selfish/greedy for feeling. Rationalizing all of this was a way he could accept/make peace with being miserable (because it must be this way, because this is how it will always be).

Rui: I was the same a long time ago… I gave up on fitting in with anyone.

(…)

Rui: If they don’t understand me, that just can’t be helped, if they disagree with the way I think, that just can’t be helped… I would think like that.

Rin: Rui-kun…

Rui: - in reality, I really did want to put on a show with someone else. But people didn’t understand the shows I was making. On a subconscious level, I convinced myself it wasn’t going to work out and gave up on the idea.

(WXS world link)

(Wxs Journey to bloom animation)

This added scene from the main story animation adds to this - why he leaves WXS did have to do with Tsukasa yelling at Nene, but the reason he doesn’t come back after Nene forgives Tsukasa is because Tsukasa’s self centered attitude is something that antithetical to a belief that Rui thought he’d given up on a long time ago: great shows *can’t* be made alone, no matter how many times you insist that you don’t need anyone else. As much as he denied it, Rui *did* still want to connect with people and be accepted - not just for the purpose of making shows, but to have a place where he belonged. For the first time in years Rui got his hopes up, started believing in what his parents told him, and Tsukasa proved to him that he never should have done so in the first place. Unlike the other times, though, Rui is the one to walk away first. & then tsukasa/wxs do the whole “true feelings” show etc etc we know how the main story ends.

That being said, I think that Rui still subconsciously believed WXS would grow to hate him and leave because he would finally be Too Much. Wonder Halloween showed him that this wasn’t true (Which is why it’s so important that the zombie plushies in the world link performed potato ghost to connect to the other plushies - it’s the show that was performed when Rui fully realized that wxs was not going to abandon him.) but I feel like that only cemented the fact that wxs would keep performing alongside him, not that they were his friends.

Rui also very clearly did not process or evaluate how his childhood impacted him.

Nene: When you talked about the old days, you seemed happy.

Rui: fufu. I don’t mind it anymore because it was so long ago.

(His RMD card story - TL by Rubilia Heartfilia) (me when I lie part two)

After so long by himself, with shows as the only thing he had, I think that having a connection to people *outside* of shows was completely unfathomable to Rui.

Which is why he’s kind of incapable of realizing why the idea of leaving wxs hurts him so much,

(Curtain call)

why he doesn’t realize why he starts holding back in wonder Halloween or why he holds back on the cheer squad,

(Cheer squad event)

And why he’s surprised that wxs cares for him not just as a director, but as a friend.

(Festival bathed in twilight)

I make fun of him for taking a year to finally be like “yeah tsukasa-kun and I are friends” but I think it’s pretty reasonable taking his trust/abandonment issues into account. Accepting Tsukasa’s offer to join wxs (twice) changed his life drastically - he realizes that he can connect to others outside of shows, that it’s possible for him to form relationships with people outside of wxs. Rui just needed to make the choice to accept the outreached hands - not changing the parts of himself that people previously deemed too weird or strange (not that he was ever going to do that anyways) but changing his attitude of “it’s just impossible for me to be accepted.”

Rui: I had always thought that I could never properly understand everyone around me.

Rui: as I started doing shows at Wonder Stage with everyone, my way of thinking and feelings began to change.

Rui: now, I am able to understand and connect with someone without relying on shows, and I’ve come to value the beauty of laughing alongside others

Rui: that’s why — tsukasa-kun. Thank you for giving me the chance to change.

(…)

Tsukasa: but… it’s not only just thanks to me, y’know?

Rui: eh?

Tsukasa: think about it. No matter how many chances I gave you, if you had refused to change, you would never have done so, right?

(Pandemonium, TL by Tsukasa’s #3 fan)

This is also why he tends to berate himself for having the very normal desire to hold on to wxs. He’s never had something like this before, where he has people who accept and love him as he is. He’s never wanted to keep something as badly as this. He’s asking too much of them, he’s imposing like he did with his classmates in RMD, he should let them leave. It’s the mature thing to do. He spent so long on his own, he should be fine going back to that, isn’t it selfish and greedy to want more?

(Curtain call)

(Talking abt wanting to keep doing shows w wxs and his actions in OHE) Rui: Now that I think about it, I’ve been pretty selfish.

(World link)

Rui: (…When the time comes, even I, too, will have to move forward.)

Rui: (…Moving forward, can I do that?)

Rui: (…Geez, I really lack a backbone. When will the time come when I find myself satisfied with the way things are?)

(…)

Rui: (While working to make my dream come true, together with everyone, I will make their dreams come true. A way to do that - let me think of one.)

Rui: (fufu, how greedy of me.)

(Curtain call - TL by Arven Oven & Tsukasa’s #3 Fan) (fuck you ensekai)

I think that, in future events, he’ll (hopefully) come to realize there are more people who will accept him (& get more trust ranks. Please.). I think it’s an impossible ask for him to be completely fine with wxs going their separate ways some day (and the same goes for everyone else in wxs), but I think when the time comes it will at least be bittersweet and with the knowledge that he can find other places to belong & that his relationships with the rest of wxs is strong enough to withstand not being in the same troupe. Things can’t stay the same forever, but change doesn’t have to be bad. Etc etc.

[anonzentimes]

*guy who loves talking about despair disease voice* wait can we talk more about despair disease. i have so many thoughts on despair disease and esp how it pertains to nagito

i feel like when a lot of people first play/watch the games they see nagito as someone who lies to manipulate people, which while i can’t super blame them for thinking that way bc of how hajime tries to reconcile his conflicting feelings over nagito, i get SO frustrated when ppl call nagito a liar bc no!!! no he’s not!!! you’re falling for other characters’ perceptions of him!!! nagito almost never lies and when he does he’s either really bad at it (cough cough final FTE. “i got it all from a book” you are not slick buddy) or comes clean as soon as he’s achieved his desired outcome- it’s more bluffing than actual deception, and one thing he’s especially sincere in is his beliefs and admiration for the people around him. and the despair disease PROVES this without a doubt!!

ok. i know in-text the despair disease is described as “reversing people’s personalities,” but i’ve always interpreted it a little differently. ibuki isn’t the opposite of gullible, akane isn’t the opposite of a coward, and nagito isn’t the opposite of a liar. to me, it’s always seemed like the despair disease gives its host the trait they’d most hate to have— whatever trait would instill in them the deepest despair. ibuki hates conformity- stick her with a disease that makes her blindly follow whatever she’s told. akane hates showing weakness- force her into a state of constant crying. nagito hates the idea of deceiving his classmates- make him incapable of being sincere. this interpretation makes mikan’s disease make a little more sense too imo, since remembering her brainwashing isn’t exactly reversing her personality but instead literally filling her to the brim with despair. ANYWAYS.

nagito Actively Despises not being able to tell the truth. he hates the despair disease, he sees it as a complete waste. in the ult. luck and hope and despair mangas, we actually get to see some of his internal monologue right before he passes out, and he is In Hell. he’s pissed that he can’t serve as a proper stepping stone in his state, he thinks the whole disease is stupid, and he gets so frustrated about not being able to properly encourage the group that he Literally Starts Foaming At The Mouth ????? like if you EVER wanted undeniable proof that nagito is sincere look at the despair disease. it’s basically a roundabout truth serum for him and that’s a huge part of why it’s one of my favorite motives

sidenote i feel like the despair disease has a shit ton of analysis potential in general just bc of how it turns characters into what they hate the most!! i loveeee brainstorming what symptoms certain characters would have gotten were they to get infected. hajime especially. maybe he’d get a fawning disease where he starts praising everyone nagito-style (this would highlight their bystander parallels and also make hajime feel MISERABLE bc he fucking hates when nagito points out how similar they are lmao). or maybe he’d get an apathy disease that’d essentially izuru-fy him (wonderful foreshadowing potential there, not to imagine the incredible angst of izuru being the thing hajime would hate to be most in the world.) alas i am not a fanfic author so i will sit with my concepts but it is a wonderful daydream with any dangan characters i’d highly recommend it :]

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSS!!!!! I SCREAM IN UNISON WITH YOU I LOOOVEEE THE DESAIR DISEASE!!!!! MAN… I’M SO OBSESSED WITH HOW YOU INTERPRET AND ARTICULATED THE DESPAIR DISEASE💗💗💗 The Despair Disease is genuinely so good for analyzing I really do believe Danganronpa 2 Chapter 3 is the best Chapter 3 out of the franchise. I think the reserving of their personalities truly meaning the traits they would hate to have is soo good I’m eating up, sealing it in my heart, and using it forever such a delightful way to explain it. The interpretations on what disease Hajime would get is so fun, I’ve seen some people interpret him getting the honesty disease which is fun in concept but I don’t think it works as well as other ideas could, y’know? Your ideas for a potential apathy or fawning disease are really fun to me, I like the idea of the fawning disease tapping into how much of a realist he is and giving him the opposite attitude Lol. Thank you so much for sending this it’s so fun I’ll be thinking about this forever, I wish I was a fanfic writer aha! I really want to become a fanfic writer, soon with time I suppose. Thank you again for sharing your daydreams with me, you’re very right it does have a lot of analysis potential! :D

[tayaalovsx]

𐙚°`so what? everyone's weird`

author here!: writting this for the second time since I'm a dumbass. may be a little bit crappy but come on guys, this is Donnie! he deserves sm

prompt!: '...you think i'm weird?' 'so what? everyone's weird'\| rise!donniexfem!reader

warnings!: none honestly, this is pure fluff, but maybe a bit...sensitive.

expect!: relatable!second choice

[ᝰ.ᐟsong of the fanfic!]

(ೀ/)

y/n was a handful of a child. nobody talked to her, no one found interest as in to what she liked or how she liked it. people used her, they never truly cared for her.

a lot of times when she would rely on someone, they would show her how hard humans words could hurt.

she had tried to be better, to not let herself get lost in the lines of between right and wrong but it never ended right. she would fall, she would die for the person only for them to choose her last.

she always wanted to be chosen, she was a maybe, sometimes a probably, even a definitely in good days but never the first one. the first choice. she never felt that. she never got to experience that

everyone called her weird and she got to feel it, wishing to be the girls surrounding her, to be pretty like them, to have the glass skin they all so craved and took care of.

it didn't matter what she tried, she would always be a little bit chubbier, a little bit with more acne then her classmates. even if she tried to cover it up, people didn't pay her attention.

getting into the online world was her only time she felt happy. to be alone, to not feel judged all the time. her thoughts to be voiced and heard. by random people who lived on the other side of the world but they still listened.

yet she felt empty. sending videos and getting replies back, or secret calls during the night was not enough. she needed physical attention, she needed to be touched for someone to crave what she felt like.

-

my eyes scanned through all the online texts. not a single one to catch my eye, exepct one. bootyshaker1000. who would name themselves that?

either mental illness was after them, or they were a good dancer. I noticed they were In a server, already playing so I decided to join, why not maybe see the moves.

the microphones were on and the yelling in my ear made me want to throw myself off my apartment so bad. how can people be this loud and not get complains?

I ignored the yells and did my part, focusing on more to the winning then the screeching in my ears. seriously, at some point it felt like I had blood, running down my ears.

overall we won, the details of how we're unneeded, but I did play a good part. leaving the server I focused back on my homework that I had left behind. yes, how much I hated chemistry. more like the material they gave us to be honest.

1am. great time for a snack. getting up I accidently moved my mouse and cursed under my breath and was ready to turn it off when a notification popped up on my computer

#!bootyshaker1000 had send a request

my eye brows shot up and shrugging I accepted the request and walked off to my kitchen getting myself some buldak. favorite brand out there.

-

getting back to her computer, y/n eye brows shot up as she sipped on to the noodle. however this good dancer was has texted her.

reluctantly she answered him, and text after text she found herself getting more found of that person. she learned his name was Donnie and he was sixteen, a year older then her. but the way he spoke was definitely not how a teenager usually does, which got her intrigued

weeks passed and she continued to text with him foundly. their conversations were on different themes, sometimes even he would offer his help with some of her homework.

overall their friendship grew, months tightened to a year and yet she had never seen his face. she was more into the calls, so usually she would be with her camera on, but he refused to turn on his own. she didn't make a deal out of it, but as more time passed, she grew impatient.

the small funny feeling in her tummy told her enough. she was falling for him, hard. and it frustrated her that she had never seen his face.

one rainy saturday day night she found herself way too tired to check her notifications and went straight to bed.

the covers barely covered her as she snored, laying on her stomach as her arms were sprawned on the bed like a starfish.

the sudden loud noise of window shattering made her get her head up as she looked over at the glass. it was shattered into peaces and there was someone else in her room

"you a theif?" she asked her voice tired as she refused to move out of her position, her eyes half open, half closed

"uh...no?" the other person answered and by their voice she could tell they were a male

"sure, fix the window later" she said before she closed her eyes ready to fall back to sleep

"you're just going to let me in like that?" the person asked and she groaned

"you interpretunned my dream, I was just about to marry and you ruined the wedding. so yes, I want to get back to more important manners" she scoffed as she sat up, but took a double take as she noticed her intruder.

a humanoid turtle, wearing purple bandana. her favorite color.

"...not gonna scream?" he asked a bit hesitant. she narrowed her eyes at him, that voice. it sounded way too familiar.

getting up from her bed she walked over to him, looking up at the tall man. before she hit him on the back of the head.

"ow! what was that for" he asked his voice pitched hight as he rubbed the spot where she got hit him

"...donnie right" she chuckled a bit. his eyes widened as he looked back at her.

"...y/n" he said figuring out the identity of his friend pretty quick. she hummed and chuckled, returning back to the edge of her bed

"swifty swift. you broke my beauty sleep" she whinned and got up to lay in the puffiness of her pillows.

"..you don't find me weird?"

"pfft so what? everyone's weird" she shrugged his words off and got under the blankets. he cracked a small smile before looking back at the window

"I will fix it tomorrow...see you" he said and she waved him off already dozing off.

🎧ྀིxoxo lovergirl!

author!: boys and girls I did it! I finished it up, applause please. good night/good morning!

[bibibbon]

Can I be honest with you?

I hate how in some of fic act like Bk parents are blameless for how bk turn out

Because they aren’t

Bk clearly take his attitude from his mom , not only that, for what see from his dad he doesn’t seem to have to take serious action for his son (and his wife) bad behaviour.

Imo should Mitsuki realises how her son take his bad attitude from ger and try to fix both her AND her son behaviour and Masaru should grow a spine and punish Bk whoever he act disrespectful.

just to make it I’m not trying to defend Bk, I’m really aren’t . I’m just saying that part of issues with Bk is that he wouldn’t turn out this way if the adults in his life actually Teach him there Consequences for his actions/bother to do anything about his behaviour.

Be as honest as you like, anon!

I see where you're coming from.

Bakugo does indeed take his attitude from his mother. This is something in the text, and horikoshi has confirmed that whenever there are two parents with wildly different personalities, the child always takes their mothers personality. This is something that he confirms under jiro's parents' character profile.

However, I wanna clarify mitsuki is a bad parent but she is NOT ABUSIVE!!!

There is a difference between being a bad parent and being abusive and mitsuki and masaro fit that difference.

@delawaredetroit post about bakugo, and his mother explains it the best.

Mitsuki has her fair share of bad habits that have played a part in influencing some of bakugo's characteristics. These characteristics can be bakugo's deflection, aka him not taking responsibility, which is something that mitsuki is seen doing here as she doesn't take responsibility for the way she influenced her son. Another characteristic that bakugo inherits from her is his inferiority complex, which is built up by her own words of him "being too weak" as a reason as to why he got kidnapped. Bakugo also inherits his mother's own strong temper but unlike mitsuki who seems to come off as brash and quite rough around the edges but also nice bakugo is quite the opposite, he is rude and he does belittle his classmates and other people he interacts with which isn't something that mitsuki does.

However, the chapter itself also makes a strong and consistent point that bakugo's behaviour isn't just influenced by his parents (although they are heavy enablers), but they were also heavily influenced by his environment. You can make a point of again criticising bakugo's parents as they are heavily aware of their son always being coddled and praised for everything he does yet still not doing anything about it but there also needs to be a heavy understanding that a lot of bakugos actions are infulenced by 3 main factors which are :

His environment

Himself

His parents

When talking about bakugo or even writing about him, people tend to blame bakugo's actions on one thing instead of acknowledging that all three of these things play a huge part as to why he is the way he is.

I will be Frank. we don't see much of the bakugo family for me to get a firm grasp about their dynamic, but it does definitely seem that masrou seems to be quite assertive, in my opinion. Masarou's form of communication is quite different to mitsuki and mix that with bakugo's quite aggressive expressions he seems to get washed out and the panelling style makes it seem like he is quite passive but honestly I would argue otherwise.

[ryomaandgundhamkin]

I hate my life.

vent HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA KILL ME

V

—-

don’t mind me. omg this vent isn’t about art for once. MOSTLY BECAUSE IM SO FUCKING STRESSED ABOUT SCHOOL RIGHT NOW I WAS ACTUALLY FUCKING CRYING AND BREAKING DOWN. to be fair im crying rn but still. fml.

so: tomorrow, I have a test for math. thats not the worse thing but im gonna do bad on it. I HAVE TO PRESENT 2 SEPERATE SLIDESHOWS TOMORROW. one is in my 5th period the other is in my 6th period. so you wanna know why it’s so bad huh. 6th period I technically might not have to present or I can choose not to (just gotta tell my teacher tho). now let me rant about 5th period

LITERALLY we were working on a slideshow for 2 days, technically 3 though. since I don’t want to call out anyone im just gonna refer to them by CLASSMATE A, CLASSMATE B and CLASSMATE C. so, we were assigned roles in the group, keep in mind the group was randomized. CLASSMATE A chose to be the writer for the slides, CLASSMATE B chose to be in charge of visuals, CLASSMATE C is in charge of production and I unintentionally forgot what my role is, but it’s not related to the slideshow. so, we were supposed to make the slideshow, right? not me but CLASSMATE A and CLASSMATE B. those fucking idiots were goofing around on the computers the whole time and walking around talking to other classmates I’m actually surprised [my teacher] didn’t notice at all for those days in class.

CLASSMATE C is quiet and, no offense, they’re a fucking weirdo. im sorry. literally but like im not wrong. so basically they were doing nothing, and i dont even know why CLASSMATE C chose to be in charge of production, which is reading the slideshow when they present, when they literally whisper all the time and cannot present AT ALL.

so, since all my classmates in my group were not doing their work, because they’re actually stupid as hell, I had to make the slideshow all on my own. I WAS EVEN SO KIND TO DRAW DESIGNS ON PROCREATE AND INSERT THEM (took me an hour total). my classmates actually rude but i refuse to believe that honestly.

since our writer wasn’t fucking writing, and the person for visuals wasn’t putting visuals, then guess who had to do it? ME. FUCKING ME. LITERALLY IT SUCKED. It came out really nice but they did nothing at all. also, they knew nothing about our topic nearly, so they didn’t know what to write and PRETENDED they knew what to write. yeah they went back to playing fucking Minecraft on their computer. SO I ended up having to write 3, technically 4, ENTIRE SLIDES for the presentation. I was stressed as fuck but I didn’t know it because I didn’t want them to feel bad. also same for the visuals- I got images and inserted them into the slideshow. yeah you know how long that took? 20 minutes. Because it was hard to find rlly good images for the slides.

anyways, the slides were done, and I was the only one in my group who actually understood the assignment. so, tomorrow, I’m gonna present. i think. if i have a breakdown during the presentation that’s literally not my fault btw. I bet those assholes are fucking playing fortnite right now ignoring the assignment. fml

also- I told [my teacher] that they weren’t working. I really didn’t want to because I was trying to be as nice as possible to them and patient and shit. so [my teacher] talked to them and got them to work. for 5 minutes. then they went back to goofing around/doing nothing. and then I actually started getting annoyed but I didn’t tell them. And I guess in the only one presenting because those idiots don’t know how to fucking read and they don’t understand a thing about this assignment. But seriously - I didn’t want them to get in trouble or anything because id feel bad and I’m not like that. I’d rather do all the work if they don’t know how to.

worse part? I’m pretty sure it’s a shared grade. if I do good, they get credit.

anyways. planning to send my teacher a message about that so I don’t have to do it. because I actually hate my group. if they find me on here and find out it’s me then tell them that I fucking hate them and they can go kill themselves brutally.

finna kill myself rn hahahahahhahahhaahahahahahhaha I’m actually going in sane I am going to fucking break down right now bye

@kiwikay3

[sluttyskullowner]

"drunk on jealousy" Rodrick x fem! jealous! Reader

TW: (story is supposed to be angst into fluff) this story includes; yelling, arguing, alcohol //abuse//, underage drinking, jealousy. she went out back to the party, walking over to her younger sister Holly. "Where's Heather?" Y/n asked, avoiding talking to anyone in the room that she forced a smile when they passed by. "Uhm..." Holly pondered, before pointing out Heather who was rolling her eyes to Rodrick's flirting attempts. Y/n felt her fist ball up before she stormed over to some guys who were serving totally not alcoholic spiked drinks, She snagged at least 4 of those and gulped them down. The taste was terrible, A mixture of strawberry, bubblegum and cotton candy packed up into only a few drinks, After Y/n chugged the drinks she stole someone's redbull that was halfway empty and forced it down her throat to be rid of the horrible taste in her mouth. Y/n soon enough was drunk enough to stomp over to Heather, who started bragging about how much she was enjoying her party. Y/n grabbed Heather by the arm, who turned to look at our drunk little pissed off queen. "Ew, What do you want?" Heather aked, disgusted. "We're twins, It's our birthday, stop saying it's yours." Y/n corrected Heather, glaring up at her blonde preppy sister who just glared back. "Who the hell do you think you're talking to, Y/n!?" Heather yelled, beginning to cause a scene. Heather wants to cause a fight? She'll get one. Y/n began to yell at her, her fist balled up and fuming with rage. "We're siblings! How are you this much of a dick to me?! To fuckin' everyone?! Hell, The guy who I've loved for almost three years is obsessed with YOU. You fucking HATE him, And you know I like him-- Like the bitch you are!" Y/n yelled right in Heather's face, glaring harshly before Heather slapped Y/n across the face, Which made Holly, Heather, Y/n, Rodrick and everyone else either flinch, their eyes widen or gasp. Y/n got pushed back a little by the slap, staring at her hand that was holding her cheek a moment ago. Y/n screamed, launching at Heather before grabbing her hair, pulling it and beginning to start a fight, Until a few classmates pulled Y/n off of her sister. The enraged drunk girl panted heavily, glancing over at Holly before her friend.. before Rodrick. Y/n quickly ran out of the party, holding onto her dress while looking for a place to let the tears fall that teased her eyes like how her sister had teased her for years, she eventually hid behind her house and began crying so much that her makeup was ruined, before she heard rustling, before she could react though, someone sat down next to her, she turned her hair to see who the culprit was and her eyes widened to see the infamous Rodrick Heffley again, y/n's eyes softened before looking down at the ground. "Go ahead, Laugh at me.." y/n said softly. "what?" Rodrick asked, confused and a bit concerned for her. "You aren't gonna laugh at me? Really? I just made a fool of myself.." y/n whimpered, rubbing her eyes before sniffling. "I'm the wrong person to compare that too, y'know.. Remember Heather's sweet sixteen?" Rodrick chuckled. "you mean.. my sweet sixteen? yeah i do. i just went out and got drunk with my friends, though for the two weeks i heard about someone ruining heathers part-- ohh! Oh shit, that was you?!" y/n yelled, grinning with a laugh. "damn, good work there. yeah, that was me-- a full accident though." rodrick laughed, messing with his dark brown hair. "do you uhm.. want to hang out with me and my band? we can play you something special for your birthday?" rodrick suggested, smiling bashfully. "..really?" y/n questioned, rodrick just gave a single nod in response. "yeah, i'd like that.." y/n said, dreamily before wiping away her ruined makeup.

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

Zoe's Reprise: Part One

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2.2k

Summary: Rossi needs your help when a young girl brings a case to his attention, unfortunately, at her death. High School reunion invitations have gone out, and you receive yours, unfortunately.

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there are any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them. If you’ve seen the show, then it’s the same level of angst unless otherwise stated

x

"I never teach my pupils; I only attempt to provide the conditions in which they can learn." - Albert Einstein

Today is an early day since you and Spencer can't sleep. Usually, you'd find something to do like play indoor mini golf or play some chess, but may as well come to work and get ready before everyone else comes in. Spencer is at his desk doing his morning puzzle while you get coffee for the both of you. You cap both cups and start to make your way to your desk when someone from the mailroom stops you.

"Are you Y/N?"

"Yes."

"This came for you."

You have to balance the two coffees in one hand in order to take the thick letter from the young man. Spencer notices you're struggling and comes over to take one coffee from you.

"What is that?" he asks when the young man walks away.

"I don't know. Nothing ever comes for me. Everything goes through JJ."

You set your coffee on your desk so you can open your letter. Inside is an invitation to one of your high school's reunions. Instead of keeping it the normal ten or twenty years since you've graduated, your classmates thought it'd be fun to make it a lucky thirteen years.

Thirteen years since you've seen some of the worst people you've ever met. You've seen a lot of criminals in your day, but nothing compares to high school girls and boys. They're ruthless, especially to someone with your abilities.

"It's a high school reunion invitation."

"What's wrong? You don't look too happy."

"I went to two high schools in Texas because my family had to move at the end of my sophomore year. The first high school I went to was in Dallas and then in Corpus Christi."

"So, what happened?" Spencer asks.

"I was a quiet kid. I didn't really join many clubs or stood out because that's not who I was. I got good grades but I was bullied a lot because of what I can do. I didn't have a lot of control over it like I do now.

"At my Dallas high school, I caught a teacher having sex with a student. I told the principal which got the teacher fired. When the whole school heard what happened, she became a laughingstock. She started bullying me, then her friends joined in, then the whole school and it got so bad that I had to transfer. I finished junior and senior year in Corpus Christi," you finish.

"Wow, I'm so sorry. Were things better for you at that other school?"

"In the beginning. No one knew who I was but then the same thing happened. I was more quiet than before, but I saw a kid in my class with bruises on his face. I knew he wasn't being treated right at home because all I could see was his father and alcohol bottles. I tried talking to him but people overheard. Once again, I overstepped. People hated me again until I graduated."

"Are you going to go to this reunion?"

"I don't know if I even want to. I'm afraid of what they'll say to me."

"That shouldn't matter. Who cares what they think?"

"You're absolutely right but I'm still scared. I'll think about it. If we have a case in that city at the same time as the reunion, then I'll go. If I do, then you have to be my date."

"I can do that," he smiles.

You kiss him quickly before heading over to Penelope's office with him. She, Derek, and JJ are in there to see the pictures of JJ's son.

"Ooh, let me see my godson!" you grin. JJ passes a few photos over to you, and your heart melts at how cute he is. "He's so cute! You really need to bring Henry over. We really want to babysit. You can sleep all day and relax and leave him to us."

"I did talk to him. We're going to make that happen," JJ chuckles.

"Yay!"

Penelope's phone rings, showing Rossi calling her from being on his annual leave.

"Is this David Rossi, the famous bestselling author David Rossi?" she jokes.

"What are you doing?" you ask over speakerphone. "You're not supposed to be calling on annual leave."

"I think it just ended."

"What do you mean?"

"Garcia, Cleveland police are sending you some files. Get JJ to distribute them to the team right away."

"What are we looking at?"

"I don't know yet. Just see if the team can find a connection with these crimes. I'll call you back in a few hours."

"Yes, sir."

"Back to work," JJ says and puts away her photos.

Zoe Hawkes was found dead this morning by a woman walking her dog. Her dog wouldn't stop barking until Zoe was discovered. Apparently, Zoe was at Rossi's book signing with the intention of talking to him about something, but you don't know if there is any other connection between the two of them.

Zoe was found next to her car with her keys still in her pocket, the car alarm was still activated, and there was no sign of a break-in. There was blunt-force trauma to her head and signs of strangulation. The murderer asphyxiated her with the scarf she was wearing. The motive must not be robbery otherwise her things would have been stolen. She had unused pepper spray in her purse, but you're unsure if she didn't want to use it or never got the chance to.

Local police went door-to-door to see if there were any witnesses but nothing came of it. Police theorize that Zoe was looking into murders that occurred in the area. Most recently, Kayla James was murdered and raped three days ago in a burglary-homicide, and they theorize that she was killed because she was snooping around the older case.

As the team gathers in the briefing room, Rossi is on the phone to give his input since he's in Cleveland right now. He has Zoe's laptop so Penelope can go through it, so while JJ presents the case, Penelope is working on getting access. JJ puts a map on the board with the location of all five victims, not including Zoe.

"All crimes are within a seven-mile radius," you note, "but all the neighborhoods are completely different. They range from poor to rich to industrial to residential."

"The physical locations are dissimilar but the operating zone's well-defined," Hotch adds.

"Okay, I'm in," Penelope says. She immediately looks at what she was looking at last through her search history. "The first thing she looks at is a crime column to probably stay current on her studies. The first three are the most recently opened documents she created."

"It looks like she was compiling empirical data about homicide trends in Cleveland," Spencer says. "Do you think she knew the killer?"

"I don't see any notes indicating suspects," Rossi says.

"Well, Dave, she's a criminology student. She's been taught to analyze statistics and apply theory, not investigate killers. Let's talk about what we know."

"Alright. Victim one is Travis Bartlett who was last seen at a gay bar," JJ lists. "He was shot at night in a park. Victim two is Lily Nicks, a thirty-four-year-old prostitute with her throat slashed. Victims three and four are June Appleby and Troy Wertsler who were shot in their car at a parking lot outside of a movie theater. Victim five was twenty-eight-year-old Kayla James who was killed in her home. She was bound with a bag over her head, and evidence of rape."

"The sixth victim was Zoe," you state.

"Victimology, weapons used, and COD are all different. It's hard to imagine it's even the same unsub."

"It can't be a coincidence that Zoe goes to Kayla James' house and gets murdered," Rossi argues.

"Alright, let's say it's the same killer. Does anyone see a pattern?" Hotch asks.

"With the first crime, the unsub shoots the victim. In the second crime, he rapes a woman and slashes her throat. With the third crime, he escalates to killing two people. By the fourth, he escalates even more to raping a woman, binding her, and suffocating her. It seems like every crime escalates to something worse. If it's the same killer, we can argue that there's a progression of violence with every kill."

"It could be an anger excitation offender getting more daring with each crime."

"I think I got something here," Derek chimes in and shows some of the pictures of the bodies. "Look at this: the slashes in the prostitute's throat are all shallow, unsure cuts. A telephone cord, rope, and duct tape were used on Kayla. It's like he couldn't decide how to bind her. Without a gun, this guy is inexperienced."

"Wait, doesn't the crime scene of the couple in the car remind you of anything?" you ask. "It looks like they were shot with a .44 Bulldog just like the Son of Sam used on his victims. The second crime reminds me of Jack the Ripper with similarities being it's a prostitute whose throat was slashed. Kayla was bound, tortured, raped, and suffocated with a bag over her head like BTK. Pen, what neighborhood was Travis found in?"

"At a park in the Kingsbury Run area."

"Zoe reminded me last night that Cleveland's most famous serial killer was the Butcher of Kingsbury Run. He found his victims in gay bars, shot them, and dumped their bodies there. Travis was last seen at a gay bar and his body was found in Kingsbury Park," Rossi says.

"This unsub is a serial killer studying other serial killers."

"See you in Cleveland, Dave," Hotch concludes the meeting.

He's heard all that he needed to hear.

Cleveland is a little over an hour away by plane, so you get there fairly quickly. Rossi didn't seem too anxious over the phone but when you see him in person, you can feel the guilt radiating off him in waves. Your heart feels heavy, there is a weight over your chest, and you feel uncertain about what you're doing. All of these feelings are coming from Rossi who is feeling them for Zoe.

"Are you okay?" you ask when you greet him.

"Why?"

"There's no reason to feel guilty, Rossi."

"Don't do that," he immediately shuts you down. "I don't need you reading me right now. Don't worry about it." He takes the team into one of the empty conference rooms that he's set up. "We'll get started on the evidence boards. Detective Dan Brady's our point. I'll let you all introduce yourselves."

Dan walks over and Hotch introduces the entire team.

"I know it may seem far-fetched, but copycat killers are not entirely uncommon. This one happens to be copying several different killers."

"If he's trying to be the butcher of Kingsbury Run, why didn't he cut up and mutilate the victims like the real guy?"

"That was seven weeks ago. He was just getting started. Beginning killers are often frightened of the crime itself. They're more interested in getting it over with as quickly as possible and fleeing the scene," Emily answers.

"He was just using the Butcher's ruse as a way to lure the victim to be alone with her. By the time he killed Kayla, he'd progressed. He came very close to copying all of the BTK's MO. He's reading, learning, and borrowing from others because he doesn't know who he is yet."

"Because of this, we think he's young and impressionable, maybe even a student. He's someone probably enrolled in criminology classes. Our technical analyst is going through the names of local students right now."

"Up to this point, changing his MO has prevented investigators from linking the crimes. That's why we need to work quickly."

"Are you sure about this?" Dan asks.

"It's not a coincidence that all of these random, violent murders in this localized area are copycats of serial killers."

"It's as if all the worst serial killers have converged on Cleveland. Every time he plans to kill, the murder weapon, the MO, and the victimology will all change. Detective, will you let your team know we're ready to give a preliminary profile?"

"Sure."

"Garcia found three male students enrolled in criminology classes with felony records," JJ says. "Before you say it, we don't need to interview them because one of them is studying abroad and the other two are in jail on other charges."

"Tell Garcia to check enrollment in online and correspondence courses and see if we have any luck with those parameters." Rossi leaves the room without a word. "Will you guys handle the profile?"

"Is everything okay?" you ask.

"Everything is fine."

Hotch leaves to talk to Rossi while Dan gathers his men and women to hear the profile. You want to go out there and help Rossi, but you're needed in here right now. Plus, Rossi doesn't want you to read him and you're respecting his wishes.

"We have six homicides in a seven-mile radius in east Cleveland," Derek gets started. "Now, this small zone indicates that he's a geographically stable offender. This type of offender is characterized as young, socially immature, of average intelligence, with psychopathic personality traits. They also usually live alone and have an antisocial nature."

"A serial killer's first murder is very telling. This unsub chose the MO of Cleveland's own butcher of Kingsbury Run for his first murder. The butcher isn't as well known as other famous serial killers, but he is a local legend."

"Because he picked the butcher to be first, we believe he's a native of Cleveland and probably grew up hearing stories of the Butcher. This is someone who is obsessed with serial killers. His computer will be filled with research on them. He'll have abundant images of murderers on his computer and possibly even snuff films. He uses these like pornography as they provide some sort of sexual release."

"Sorry to interrupt," JJ comes into the room. "There's reports of another body."

x

Follow my library blog @aqueenslibrary​​​​​​​​​​​ where I reblog all my stories, so you can put notifications on there without the extra stuff :)

[wyntereyez]

And here's the next exciting installment of wyntereyez screams into the void. Part Two - the rest of my immediate family.

This part is hard for me to face. Because I do love my family, really, I do. But I need to accept that I can love them, but also hate the way they treated me. I was forever altered, probably for the worse, because of everything. But there's this little voice in my head that whispers, "Things could have been worse. Everyone did their best. You were loved."

You can be loved and cared for and still not have your needs met.

As I've said, my mother left us when I was thirteen. Choosing who to stay with was a no-brainer: one parent wanted us, one didn't. She didn't deserve me.

Now, before this, I had no problems with my Dad. He was a bit distant, but he did things with me - more than my mother did, when I actually think about it.

When she left, my Dad had almost no support network. His family, which I will go into later, was shit. He didn't really have many close friends. He's an introvert. He doesn't like going out much, or traveling. He likes to spend his time off doing projects around the house. He actually is what he believes me to be, which I think is part of problem.

(He never grasped that a house in the middle of nowhere next to a small town with nothing to do was a very bad environment for me.)

But I digress.

When my mother left, I was thirteen, my brother was eight, and my sister was four. My Dad pulled me aside and said we had to do what we could to make sure they had a good childhood. And it never occurred to me to wonder, "what about my childhood?" It pretty much ended that day.

I'd had chores, of course, which I only reluctantly did for an allowance. Trying to get a thirteen-year-old to actually do them is a trial! And now, I had more chores than I'd ever had before - and no allowance. Because my mother had left after we'd gotten a new house and car, and she couldn't be bothered to pay any kind of child support, my Dad was left with a lot of huge debt, and he had to work more hours just to keep afloat. I learned many years later he'd even sold some of his model trains he'd had since he was a child just so he could afford Christmas presents.

Because he had no support network and my mother couldn't be bothered to take us until we were older and she could sleep and ignore us, babysitting duty fell to me. Not at first; my younger siblings did go for a few years to a babysitter, but that wasn't sustainable, and once they got a bit of independence, guess who had no life.

Because they were too young to be left alone, I couldn't do any after school activities, because I had to watch them. I got in trouble once because one teacher wanted us to stay after to rehearse a play, and I couldn't.

I had few friends, because I couldn't do anything with them. Classmates assumed I enjoyed being at home and hated hanging out with others, so I was treated like a shy introvert that few talked to. And a lazy one, since I never volunteered for after-school activities.

This also meant I couldn't get a job. We only had one vehicle, and I was in the middle of nowhere; five miles from my tiny town which had nowhere a teenager could work. I didn't have friends who could drive me around. Not that I could leave the house anyway.

By the time I graduated high school, I had almost no social skills, but I was expected to know how to go out and get a job and go to college - things I figured out entirely on my own, might I add.

I should also mention a few other things. First, I had the misfortune of being my Dad's confidante since, as I said, he wasn't big on friends. You know how psychologists are saying these days how parents should treat children as a fellow adult? Yeah. It's awful. I was somehow supposed to process these big, adult emotions and problems - without being able to share mine in return. This is something I'll come back to later. I was supposed to listen, and sympathize, and it was too much for me.

And then there's the chores. So. Many. Chores. I was the only one to do dishes. For years. It got to the point where I would BEG for my siblings to take turns once they were old enough to help, but nope, it was my job. And if I didn't do them, my Dad would yell. Sometimes, after I did dishes, my sister would make something to eat. She'd put the dishes into the sink and laugh, because she knew I'd be forced to do them even though I'd already done them that day. To this day, it's hard for me to do dishes. Sometimes it takes me days to tackle the dishes because I just CAN'T.

Yes, my Dad yelled a lot. Usually at me. He didn't used to, but stress and grief made him angry a lot. I try to justify it by telling myself that he was that way because of the pain from my mother leaving him.

IT'S NO EXCUSE.

I suspect this is the root of my anxiety. I really don't like it when people yell, and I got yelled at a lot for being me.

Eventually, my Dad bought a second vehicle, a barely-adequate family car that I was allowed to use for work and school. And also for taking my siblings anywhere they wanted to go, since they actually had friends and activities they could attend. They got to be children and teens instead of a mini-adult. A lot of people - including a fucking TEACHER - assumed I was their mother because at that point, I'd been their authority figure so long that I seemed older than I was.

I was five years older than my brother. My Dad wonders why I utterly hate it when people assume I'm the mother of the family.

My Dad seemed to be trying to force me into the mold of a caretaker, a role that I don't actually naturally fit into. Hell, on weekends where my mother did take my siblings (I refused to go) my Dad would go out with one of my uncles (well, an ex-uncle by marriage) who would expect me to watch my young cousins for free while they went out.

My Dad just did not get that I didn't want to babysit. I watched my siblings all week; I needed time off, too. I didn't need to be stuck babysitting for free, with no choice because my ex-uncle would just show up with the kids. When I tried to protest this, my Dad got angry and told me it was 'good practice.'

Practice for WHAT. I already knew at that point that I was never having kids. Quit trying to force me into this unwanted role, you're just making me hate it all the more.

I'd thought that once I was out of high school, I'd be free. I was allowed to stay at home while I worked to save money as well as attend community college, with the plan of eventually transferring to a good college far away. And, it might even have happened that way...if my Dad hadn't married the worse creature possible.

She gets her own section. Let's just say, she taught me all about emotional abuse.

She brought out the worst in my Dad without him realizing it; he suddenly became less trusting, and even more volatile. He actually had the gall to ground me. An adult. Who had a job and college classes. For the crime of standing up to my step-monster because I didn't want to be her personal servant.

I did finally escape, but things still sucked. I'll do a bit of a bullet point list.

I was expected to go along with plans made without me. A good example is my college breaks; it was assumed that I would go home, but my Dad couldn't be bothered to tell me when he was picking me up, and if I called to ask because hey, I needed to know what day he was picking me up, then he'd snap at me for being too persistent. And yet, if I don't immediately answer him, he dogpiles me by having my siblings - and even my freaking mother - try to contact me. I also had no say in how long the visits were, which meant I was trapped for weeks there with the vile step-monster.

I would get into trouble for buying things. Apparently, a little treat once in awhile was not allowed, and would leave me bankrupt. One time I had to show him I bought pads, because the she-beast had goaded him into it.

I'm too ambitious. My goals had always been to go to college and get a degree, but my Dad had always acted like I wanted too much in life and should be content in the kind of boring, repetitive job that drives me insane. It has never once occurred to him that I thrive in environments where I'm going out and doing new things and learning. As I've said, he thinks I'm like him, and has said as much. And I just nod and agree, because he gets annoyed at me otherwise. It took me years to realize that his version of 'too ambitious' is actually 'things most people want to accomplish.' He is, however, very proud of my sister for doing the things that he thinks I shouldn't do.

He expects me to be obedient to the point that I will drop everything for him. Twice, when I was living with him after being forced to move back, I'd made plans to go somewhere. I'd informed him of these plans. He forgot, made his own plans in the same timeframe, and when I reminded him, got angry because he expected me to take care of his dogs. Why the hell couldn't anyone else care for them? Why should I drop everything to watch dogs? Oh, right, because I was forced to do that as a child. One of those trips was a convention. He made me leave a day early, buy a new train ticket back since I couldn't switch it, and lose out on a photo op. He's not even sorry. I have such huge caretaker burnout that I genuinely think I'll never have pets of my own because the thought of taking care of them gives me anxiety.

And I can't tell him how I feel about any of this. If I express ANY kind of negativity, or any problems in my life, he'll immediately start talking about how my mother left him. Apparently, any problems I may have are completely invalid because she left him THIRTY YEARS AGO. And my sister will immediately back him up, because she got a more normal life and doesn't understand why I have issues.

I'm tired of this. I don't want to feel guilty for being my own person.

I was discouraged from doing anything that didn't fit my Dad's image of me as someone who loves the simple life, despite that being the opposite of my personality.

The end result here is that I feel guilty doing things for myself, even when they're good for me, because I've been forced to think about others for most my life. I hide things from my family, like the trips I've taken, because anything that doesn't fit their image of me is either a waste that I'll be scolded for, or made fun of because apparently I'm not allowed to like things. I'm not supposed to have problems, or ambitions, or be anything in particular. I'm supposed to be ready to drop everything and do things for my family, even at a cost to myself.

[nabs-draws]

Lets talk about being Biracial today.

(TW: Mentioning of racism, CSA, Domestic abuse)

I'm biracial. My Mother is german, my biological father is a Pakistani. My biological father immigrated to Germany in the late 80s/early 90s when he met my mum. They became friends, they began to date and my mum got accidentally pregnant with me. My dad tried to push my mum into abortion first, because at the time mum was pregnant with me, they were not married. Which is a big nono in Pakistani culture. Yet, mum kept me. And convinced my dad, that it will be allright. A year later, they married.

As a kid, it never actually mattered that I was biracial. Because most of the kids I grew up with had a immigration background. Some kids were turkish. Others were russian. and some kids in our neighbourhood were polish. We usually all played together. I learned a bit of russian and Turkish as well...but never could return anything about my culture, as my dad didn't teach me much about Pakistani culture. Yet, the whole outer family expected me to live as a Pakistani.

My parents fought a lot. Both of them had a love/Hate relationship towards each other and my Dad was very abusive towards my mum, and later towards me too. (which resulted in me having cPTSD today). My mum, as a result of my dads abuse and his hostile behavior towards us, became neglectful of me too. I don't blame her today. But it wasn't easy. Especially if you were exposed to violence since birth. My aunt always said, that he should use me and my mum as a way to get the german citizenship. After all , he impregnated a german woman and I was the result, but somehow despite my dad being a monster, he also kind of loved us and said that he would never do such a shitty thing. (but beating your wife and sa'ing your kid was not a shitty thing, huh? ). Dads side of the family were verbally abusive towards me too, considering the fact that I embrace my german side more and pushed away the Pakistani side. It sucked but yeah, it is what it is. I might talk more briefly in the subject in the future, when I'm ready. For now. This is as far as I can go about my family dynamic. Back to other parts of my childhood:

I think the first time I experienced racism, was in 2nd grade. It was the 12th September 2001. I was pretty early in school when a group of kids approached me. Since a lot of people were curious where my name came from, I was always open about my biracial background. "You are Pakistani, right?" In confusion, I responded with a nod. "So that means, you're evil too?" I was still confused by it. They clarified "It was propably your family member that flew into the towers, right?" and they pushed me. Like, I knew what happend on 9/11. But how on earth do they think that I was related to them just because of my ancestory roots. Overwhelmed by all of this, I began to cry badly. A few classmates saw what was happening and called the teacher and told her what happened. My teacher , who was the sweetest person on earth got furious. Not at me of course, but what the kids put me through and she lectured the kids and afterwards thought us about Racism and why we should NEVER discriminate someone because of their heritage. Or looks, or for who they love. Miss Viera truely was the best!

In my family, I usually clashed with my Dad because I began to show interest in christianity. I'm not religious at all, but I was always fascinated by Theology. THe similarities between religious beliefs. And of course, European churches. The concept of Angels and Devils, as overused as this topic is in popculture.

People are always surprised by the fact that I'm biracial, because I pass as white on the street. I have lightskin, but my facial feature would call out the Pakistani side immediately. My amber-colored eyes too. My hair is darkbrown with a ginger shine on it and some lighter brown hairstrains. Which are natural, not colored. And I got freckles. I always joke around that my Parents genes were as stubborn as they were in person, resulting into a weird mix because non of the genes were able to tell which one is the dominant one. and well yeah. I'm in the priviledged position of being read as white , but this doesn't mean that I don't face racism and microagression regardless. Mainly because my name calls me out. And Pakistanis easily recognize me too because of facial features.

Once people get to know my name, they usually begin to treat me differently. They willingly mispronouncing my name, which resulted in me being annoyed and tired of correcting people each time. People asking me where I'm from and not believing me that I'm german (despite my CV says that I'm born and raised in Germany.) Having to deal with bigoted opinions, primarily with authorities and them apologizing, once they learn that I have a B.A. Or people telling me that I speak "good german" once they realize that I am biraced. like…yeah. My mum is german!

Being biracial makes it harder to speak about being victimized by CSA from the family. Because you never know if the therapist in front of you might hold racist believes or not and you don't want to tell your story in order to hurt other people or bigoted people to instrumentalize your story for their fu**ed up believes in thinking that all immigrants are evil (no they're not, by he way I was just very unfortunate to be born in a familysystem consisted of a group of predators that put harm on their children.) That you have to apologize in behalf of people you don't even know just because these people did evil things. Like…for gods sake, it's not our fault that these people do these shitty things. …okay I should stop here.

Anyways…That's why I drew this image. Inspired by the song "Half" by Queen Bee, where Avu-chan sings about their own experience of being Biracial. In fact, it was that song that inspired me to reflect on my own biracialness. That it's not always easy. That we want to live regardless and make people happy. That it isn't our ancestory that makes us matter but the people that we are. That evilness has nothing to do has nothing to do with our culutral heritage but the effed up believes that other people have. For thinking one is more worth than the other, when actually, we're all just human in the end. And if you think otherwise with your racist believes, than maybe this blog isn't for you!

In the end I like to say that you matter. Regardless of your race, your sexuality, your gender, your ability or you age. You are important. You are loved. You matter!

P.S: I need to clarify that every biracial person experience being biracial differently. Just because I had a shitty upbringing, doesn't mean that every biracial person had a shitty upbringing. I'm just talking about MY experience!

P.P.S: I really hope that this doesn't offend anybody. I'm was sitting here for the entire day, not being sure how to write it. On top of this, english isn't my first language so it might be that some sentences might be weird due to errors in translation. Thank you for understanding. If there are problematic sentences, please let me know and I will change it. And please be kind towards each other!

[punkisntdeadandneitherami]

Thought i'd share my experience with suicidal thoughts and self harm so here it goes. A lot of triggers probably so you may wanna step out.

When i was 10 years old, i was really stuck on school stuff. like, they put a lot of pressure on us, and i'm a real procrastinator. i waited till the last moment to do all that stuff, and honestly it's my fault. the thing is, i had to stay up till kinda late, wich i used to NEVER do. plus, on the next day we had to present that stuff to our parents, plus dance for everyone else's parents too, and play a song, and i have social anxiety. This got me so stressed for the longest time, bc it was like a huge thing and it was worth a lot of my grades. to top it all off, that annoying ex friend who kept pressuring us didnt even show up.

The next year, i started hating school for it. It felt useless, and i felt no motivation. The worst part was: that year, i made two friends, but they ended up pretty fake, one in specific. she thouht she was better than me, and made sure i knew it. She made fun of using medicine, was pretty ableist and was a complete narcissist. During that time, i started thinking i was autistic. i related way too much with stuff i read about it, but when i told her i thought that she went "haha aren't we all" and just kept on with her life. She didnt try to underestand me, and i think i felt a need to be validated by her. I started feeling the pressure of school, the dependence i felt towards my friends and my self hate, always being fed by both media i came across and my toxic relationship with my own feelings.

Soon, i started feeling extremely depressed, trying to figure out if i truly was autistic or if there was something wrong with me. To complement all that, i started finding out about my queerness, which was important, but it actually only made me feel more stressed.

I had to go with my parents on their business trip on October, and it felt great to escape for a while. The problem was that, by the time, i already felt incredibly depressed. I wasnt exited about anything, had no motivation, and to be honest the only thing that kept me from killing myself was the thought of how my friends would feel, specially one of my best friends, who nowadays i am proud to call my brother, was also suffering with his own mental health.

On that trip, i had many valuable conversations with my friends, them helping me go through this even with the distance, even if every time i saw a window i begged myself to jump. They helped me figure out my sexuality, which also gave me courage to both come out to my mom and come clean about my depressing thoughts.

After i came back home, i started having to wear an orthopedic vest or whatever, idk how to say that in english. Of course that didnt help much my situation, but at least i started going to therapy. I went back into school and saw my friends, including that one girl i mentioned earlier.

While that happened, i had some serious anger issues. I was pretty rude to her, while she was ableist to me. After I told her and my other friends I'm a lesbian, they all were supportive of me, except for her. It kept on for the whole year, until i finally changed schools together with a friend of mine.

I could see other friends on my new school, but the change was weird. The new school was farther from my house so i had to wake up earlier, but at least i got rid of seeing that girl. The thing is, i kept lying to my therapist, and felt like i couldnt tell anyone my thoughts and feelings. I started having kinda murderous thoughts about me killing my homophobic classmates and then myself. I continued procrastinating my arts project, and i thought i'd get a failing grade. Not long after, i started cutting myself. I liked the pain. Its like I had always felt. By the time, i found out a way of fooling the medicine, kind of stopping it from working. I thought I deserved to feel like this. I started planning on killing myself.

I had the perfect plan of every step i'd take. I'd take a cup of coffee on the middle of the night, wearing my favourite PJ's, steal a bunch of ginger biscuits from the kitchen and go to the little empty house on our yard. I'd grab a knife with me. I was going to send my goodbyes via whatsapp, eat all the biscuits and cut my palm with the knife, to use the blood to write on the walls. After that, i'd slit my throat. But i didnt do any of these. Because of my ex brother-in-law.

I started planning my goodbyes, sending myself the texts i'd send them that night, just so i could copy and paste. Then, i'd send their friends texts for them to comfort my friends. On that, i sent my ex brother-in-law a message asking him to comfort my brother the next day. I thought he wouldnt see it immediatly, but he did. He asked why, and i answered i was going to kill myself. He started lecturing me, and i admit that his speech wasnt what kept me alive, but the fact it lasted 10 minutes and made me forget to drink the coffee to keep me up.

I slept tightly that night, the night i had been planning to be my last.

After that hell of a night, i started using my medicine correctly, which helped a lot on my recovery. Today, a fuck ton of time later, I'm telling you about it, because a few days ago i cut myself again. I dont want anyone to go through that, to think their feelings arent valid because there are people who suffer more, who think life is nothing but the limited time of working of the brain and the heart.

Life means, you get to change. Life means, you get to thrive. Life literally means whatever the fuck you want it to mean. So live. It's your only chance.

[raw-law]

Pride months over (unfortunately), and ill be back in school by the end of july.. I HATE HIGH SCHOOL T-T

Im a smart kid according to what my other classmates say and they think i just get by easily (I DONT). I hate our school system so much i even considered my career in the department of education ^_^

Every single day i wake up at around 4 ish, i dont even set an alarm anymore because my eyes just automatically open around those times since i got used to doing all the time. My house is pretty far from school and bc the road is kind of narrow, traffic jams happen alllll the time so i had to leave early too. Did i mention how HOT it in our country, like regardless if its summer or not it feels as if you're a rotisserie chicken in a microwave. There were at least 13 or 15 students who fainted due to heat stroke and im one of them. One of the guys in my class were playing basketball and fainted during a match bc of heat stroke, when he woke up they still made him play :// we have to arrive at school before 6:40am, the gate closes after.. no, we dont have school buses for some reason. Everyday the teachers expect us to know every lesson so we would get to do quizzes right after the lecture. We have 10 subjects in total and everyday we have homework. Every two weeks we have exams. After those exams we get back to the lectures but we have projects that are due right before exams, we have 1 project per subject but nc we have to finish it before exams, that'll be 2 weeks. So 10 projects done in 2 weeks, along with homework. School ends at around 4pm but since i live a bit far + traffic, i arrive home at 6. I do chores for an hour and i have to eat dinner so i finish at 8 ish. I have to do my projects and homework for 4 hours which is barely enough time (i make up for it during lunch break so i tend to forget to eat which leads to me not understanding the very short lessons the teachers give). For 1 hour i study my current lessons and if i have time i advance study future lessons. I go to sleep at 1am. Once a month, our class gets an earful by teachers because we dont finish our tasks and we'll eventually fail. Aughshhhhhhhh Ill have to repeat this cycle for a couple more years but i genuinely hope theres a better school out there that ill like that wont treat me like garbage.

Anyways, Light, L, if you guys put yourselves in my shoes, do you think you would survive a whole year studying in my school?

L:

honestly, that sounds a lot like the experiences i've had with the educational system, save for the part about heatstrokes. (that sounds... highly concerning...)

i ended up attending a college preparatory school after passing the qualifications needed to get in. seems very similar to the circumstances you seem to be facing. waking up at 4 a.m., getting home two hours late because of traffic, taking quizzes right after lectures and overall just being expected to stay at the top of everything. very hellish overall, and that's only school. that's not even taking account the rest of life's cruelty.

i was lucky to make it out with a 4.0 last year, but it came at the cost of.. well. revolving life around academia and nothing else.

so, to answer your question, i do think i'd survive since i know what it's like to be in your shoes. you're definitely not alone in this suffering. however, since i understand said suffering, i would never willingly go through another version of it unless i was gaining something incredibly worthwhile, and i'm also deeply sorry that you have to experience such a horrid system at all.. good luck, soldier.

Light:

Well, actually, our school system here is rather notorious for producing gifted burnout kids, though we did score first for Math, Science and English in some standardised test whose name I can't remember.

It's hard, honestly. We're expected to plan school events and study and organise things among our classes and participate in school clubs and take third language classes. And since our school is the top school in my country we're learning things that normally we'd only learn 2 years later. At least, that's been my experience. And I know classmates who can't take the stress and have breakdowns one day, or who go to the toilet and cry because their A1 grade isn't a 'high enough A1). This is my second year in this school, and for the first I've been lucky enough to maintain the highest grades for all my subjects, but this year it's getting harder and the only way I'm getting through it is by studying.

You're definitely not alone. Hopefully it'll come as more of a comfort if you know we're all in this together. You can do it! And good luck, we're always here for you if you need it.

[kidflashimpulse]

saw a post you made a while back answering an ask about YJA Bart's civvie life mirroring the comics, and i realized that comic Bart went straight into high school due to being 14 going on 15 when he came to the past, but YJA Bart was 12 going on 13, so he'd be in middle school for a little over a year first. so! an idea i thought i'd share: people mostly think he's Weird (derogatory) in middle school because that's where he goes through his biggest adjustment period. middle school is frustrating for him, but he manages. then high school happens and suddenly he's Mr Popularity bc 1) he's more used to being in school now, even if he still doesn't like it and high school is a different beast, 2) his West-Allen (and Meloni) related pretty genes have started to properly kick in (underrated Bart fact: he's supposed to be noticeably good-looking. like not just cute, but a Certified Pretty Boy. it gets brought up SO MUCH in his solo it's so funny) and he has a canon big growth spurt between 13 and 15, and 3) there's a ton of new ppl his age who have no established opinions of him the way others do. and like in the comics Bart hates the attention and keeps almost exclusively to his friends (one of my fave running gags is Bart being surrounded by people trying to get his attention and he just keeps doing what he's doing without engaging or even reacting barely at all)

omg anon…. this ask has given me the biggest smile ever because it just brings back so many memories of my first ever (drafted) fic ahhhhhhhh !!! especially because of the way it starts!! in middle school where he’s the certified weirdo!!! not that he minds it at all he’s more concerned with the whole concept of wtf even is school and how’s he supposed to be stuck in a classroom when he has more pressing issues like uh preventing an impending apocalypse?? lmfao but yes that first year/couple months is a huge adjustment period for him, at the very least in terms of school.

the thing is at least in my non-existent fic, i was really motivated to have carol and preston be the first civilians he befriended, which would be in middle school. But then I also want them (and others) to be his classmates throughout high school too! Cause u know, they’re the civilians we know that he interacts with and gets along. I don’t think the chances of that are too off because if they all live within the same district it would be reasonable to assume they’d attend the same high school? Like not the exact same class, but there r bound to be a few familiar faces. But that’s not rlly a problem for the concept that u outlined considering they’re his friends so the whole preconceived notion thing wouldn’t play much of a role in the first place (and if anything more accurately reflect the plot of how Carol befriends him and then at that point worries about popularity getting to him, like the impulse timeline was crazy fast (understandably ig)) . Also like yes, mirroring the comics he accidentally becomes quite popular lmfao but like u said it’s high school so it’s not without its totally dramatised plot issues (i could come up with way too many honestly they’re just so entertaining especially considering like how i mentioned he wants no part in it both intentionally as well as not lol) just like the impulse run!

Certified Pretty Boy huh that’s just as much as a trait to him as it is him having brown hair (which is always! suck it red hair truthers lmfao) but yes totally!! His genes have done him well and it’s obviously the reason why everyone is in love with him (looking at u Preston /j /srs)

basically, thank u for sharing your thoughts with us <3 cause it’s just so entertaining to think about all this!! I’m not even exaggerating i could come up with so many plots about his school experience i think there’s just so much room for potential and fun and it’s pretty amusing to think about. I would love to write a fic o. it specifically (side eye to that first fic lol) but unfortunately i’ve just got one brain and set of hands and can only really focus on one fic at a time 🫠 on the bright side i am planning on covering at least a little bit of his civvie life in the next chapter of AAIT (still in its really early stages so it’ll take a while, sorry) so if anyones interested in that, stay tuned lol

[dspdick]

okay. apparently ranting on tumblr is the way to go so here i am. on a rant about my bitchass college life.

first of all. my classmates. GOD. the people in my group would be fine if the guy that i considered a potential friend didn’t stop talking to me after i rejected him at a party. he was genuinely interested in me as a person and my interests and then he had to go and ruin it by taking rejection like a little bitch. i would’ve been fine with it IF HE IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIDNT START TALKING WITH ANOTHER GIRL THAT I GET ALONG WITH. AND STOPPED ANY FORM OF CONTACT WITH ME. motherfucker i’ll hunt you down for sport if you ignore me for the year and a half i’m going to be in that class.

then there’s the bitch in my group. OH MY GOD. you’re TWENTY YEARS OLD. TWENTY ONE I DONT CARE. and yet you behave like an edgy sixteen year old that just got tumblr?? “ooooh i’m so edgy all i do is complain and bitch and give people dirty looks.” i’m surprised you have friends, let alone roommates that didn’t let the carbon monoxide leak when they spent the night out and you slept alone. i hope you know i fucking hate you and the way you monopolize people is elementary school shit. which you seem to think you’re in anyways?? kids like you shouldn’t be reading the shitty ass tiktok books you keep recommending because of how hard the main characters fuck.

and the rest of my group keeps ignoring me lol. none of them wait for me to finish packing my shit and none of them talk with me out of college. oh wait they do. to ask me about homework. EVEN IF I DONT KNOW SHIT BECAUSE I KEEP SKIPPING CLASS. PAY ATTENTION IN THE LECTURES INSTEAD OF PLAYING SUDOKU.

and these people are the ones i spend most of my time with. because among the 20-something other students in my goddamned degree (yes. there’s 20-something of us in an entire undergrad. we used to be in the 30s but people kept dropping out for reasons ill touch on later). there’s one that keeps throwing ALUMINIUM WRAP BALLED UP. AT EIGHTEEN YEARS OF AGE. i can’t stand that bitch GOD i hope she drops out too.

my degree is a completely different subject. first off we have eight subjects this semester. EIGHT. we have more than any other degree in this fuckass university, and the workload is frankly ridiculous. i hope my professors aren’t aware that their subject isn’t the only one in the world because if they know the shit we have to do for other subjects and they keep sending us all the shit they do im killing them all and then myself. what the fuck do you mean the business professor keeps making us work as much as in development biology? ITS WORTH HALF THE CREDITS.

and my degree supervisor certainly doesn’t help. maam what do you mean we “can’t afford to have compromises and extracurriculars outside of college work”? kill yourself oh my god i’m paying 500€ a month (with my scholarship included!) to get an education not worked to the ground. i spend over ten hours in college when we have labs because for some reason we can’t have them just after classes to let us go home early like EVERYONE ELSE IN A SCIENCE DEGREE.

the worst part is that the people who organize the mandatory stuff for all students ignore the existence of labs. listen. i’m cool with having to do volunteer stuff. but don’t make me do 50 hours like everyone else because they don’t spend as much time IN THIS UGLY ASS UNIVERSITY. also can we at least have more smoking-allowed points in campus if you’re going to keep exploiting us? i’d like to be able to cope unhealthily with everything else in my life like the adult i am please and thank you.

and this is as far as i’m going because it’s getting long. i’d be surprised if anyone read as far as this so if you did thank you please like comment n subscribe for more rage-fueled content

[icarus-suraki]

Oh; apologies if I should already know this. I have a vague sense that I might, but my vague senses don’t match reality much of the time, and if I’m being honest the mismatch is probably growing.

But the question: are you actually a librarian, not just in terms of stereotypical perception of your appearance but in terms of your actual job? And if so (or if not) what are your thoughts on being a librarian?

Uh oh. Are you ready for my Tragic Backstory? (read in "heated basket" voice)

I am certified as a librarian--as in, I have an MLS (Master of Library Science) degree. And I made use of it for something like ten years until I basically had a mental breakdown lmao and now I'm an administrative assistant and much happier.

But, yeah, I was assigned "library duty" in 4th grade as part of the whole safety patrol/hall monitor program and I was actually really disappointed because the kids who got to help with the buses and carpool kids got to wear reflective vests and badges and even official raincoats (bright yellow with "SAFETY PATROL" on the back in black letters). But I got stuck in the library where I had to shelve books and, when the "special" for the day was library time, I'd check out my classmates' books to them. Not exactly thrilling. I guess my reading level was "above average" so the teachers and librarian assumed I'd be happy there? My undiagnosed ADHD ass was not all that happy and I was easily distracted by interesting books (this will become a theme later). I mean, I like books, and I was taken to the library a lot by my mom, but damn I get distracted.

Anyway, because of that, it meant that when I was in middle school and early high school, when I needed volunteer hours for graduation or honor societies or whatever, I could waltz up to the local public library and say, hey, I know how libraries work and you should let me volunteer here. So they did and the head of the youth services department basically counted down the days until I was 16 and they could hire me (rather than just have me volunteering). And, holy hell, I hated it lmfao.

Like, yeah, at least I got paid, but at what cost??? I was basically shelving books for four hours, five hours, six hours at a stretch. I was putting in 20 hours a week in the summers (as my parents demanded) and all I was doing was shelving. Endlessly. And mostly picture books--which meant that, once again, I'd get distracted by interesting illustrations, which got me scolded by the librarians. Sorry I suck so much, I guess?

Anyway, I had to quit when I went to college, but the college library hired me as a circulation desk assistant, which was okay if boring (at least I could play on the internet) except in the summers when we would have to shelf read for four, five, six hours at a time--that means we'd take a list of all the books that should be on the shelf and in what order and check each shelf and each book individually to make sure they're all there and all in the correct order. (I read most of the original Amityville Horror book one afternoon rather than shelf-reading and I learned one could ride on some of the smaller shelving cards like skateboards.)

Once again, I had to quit when I graduated. I wanted to be an editor or maybe wanted to get a PhD in literature (with a concentration on Modernist literature mostly because I had a 22 year-old's obsession with Ulysses). Skipping the disastrous summer of 2004 backpacking in Europe, I went to talk to my academic advisor about PhD stuff, and she suggested I get an MLS instead. She thought I'd be happier with that. Dr. G, I love you but... I was still hung up on the PhD thing so I got a job at a Barnes & Noble bookstore in November as a seasonal hire but I wound up staying there for a little over 2 years. I had a friend working on an MLS and she was pushing me towards it but I think it was the evening I had to do a turnaround, closing that night and opening the next day, and I heard a child being violently sick in the bathroom stall next to me (there was no staff bathroom) and knowing that I might have to clean it up, that I thought maybe I should get an MLS.

I quit B&N when I got a part-time library assistant job in the public library system here. I started about the same time as this other guy and every time a work email came in announcing an opening for a professional librarian position (needing an MLS), we'd look at the salary range, look at each other, and say that we needed to get our MLS degrees. So we did. I mean, we had to kick around at that library for a bit while we wrote admissions essays and the like, but we ended up at the same school, starting in the same semester, but in different concentrations (I was library science, he was information science). No, I didn't marry him. He was my work spouse. That would be weird. And, yes, of course I worked part-time in the library at my grad school. Obviously. I was a student reference assistant and I got really good at dealing with gov docs and showing undergrads how to use Wikipedia without using Wikipedia (the links, kid, the links at the bottom).

And then began my four year nightmare of applying, interviewing, getting rejected, getting rejected, getting rejected, hiring freezes, hustling, temping, driving all over the county, getting pushed around, getting insulted, having to smile and take it, and hating it all. It was 2010 and no one was hiring and I was hustling so hard as a temp in that same public library system that had hired me when I was 16. But hiring was frozen (it was 2010, after all, and everything sucked) and all I could do is work as a temporary library assistant for 39.5 hours a week and drive across the county to get those hours to prove I was worthy of hiring. It still took four years (and in between I was told I was "grumpy" and "huffy" and kept getting rejected in favor of more internal candidates) but I got hired and then I had to hustle even harder. Because even if you're not driving all over the county, you still have to prove that you're worth keeping around. The jockeying, the politics, the metaphorical chessboard--holy shit, it was awful and it only got worse. I have Tales.

After about 5 years as a full-time professional librarian, I burned out. But I didn't realize it. I just started calling in sick all the time because I couldn't get out of bed. Or I'd just not really participate in meetings. Or I'd just kind of sit there at the reference desk, waiting for my shift to be over. It was Bad.

So I put in to move to a different location--a new location, with a new building, a new staff, a new everything. I figured that would fix me. Spoilers: it did not fix me. And I just got worse and worse. I got put on an improvement plan and everything. And, eventually, I just straight-up took a demotion and went to do internal, support work. Still full-time, at least, right? That didn't help either. I kept calling out, I had notes from my psychiatrist, I was calling the EAP, I was taking FMLA, I was running out of FMLA, I got an official warning, I got a second official warning, and, in the end...I got fired.

So I went home and stayed there. For two years.

And, yeah, I was a NEET: not in education, employment, (or) training. (I was also verging on hikikomori status, but since that's more of a culture-bound phenomenon I don't think I can really claim it. But I digress.)

I had been saving up with the delusion of buying my own place at some point in the near future, so I had more than a few months' worth of living expenses saved up. I talked to a job coach, went to therapy (a lot), playing Animal Crossing (a lot), applied to jobs, slept (a lot), and just kind of...hung around, doing nothing. And it was, ironically, both the best and worst time of my life.

And this whole story is glossing over a lot, but that's how my career in libraries and as a librarian ended. I like to joke that I was apprenticed to a librarian but it really feels like I was just shunted into librarianship without any input on my part. I've never really had any idea of what career I wanted to pursue because it didn't seem like there were other options. I was going to go do library stuff whether I liked it or not. It was acceptable, it was safe (physically and financially), it was secure, it didn't matter if I wanted to do it because it was just a set of skills to be used to earn a living--no different from, say, HVAC repair. I didn't like it but it was like I was set on a track when I was 9 years old.

To close it out, after about two years of recovering from nearly 20 years of library work, I was hired at my current job and I'm much happier here now than I ever was in libraries.