#Whenever there's a big duel on the tv their doors are open to anyone who wants to wander in an watch with them. And yell at the screen.

[shitpostingkats]

Listen. Listen.

Yusei says himself that getting the Momentum system up and fully realized is for his parents, not for him. And, now that their work has come to fruition, he's stepping away from the project and wondering what to do next. And we know from the flash-forward that he hasn't made a dueling appearance in quite a few years, so it's not like he stopped working at MIDS to focus on fame and glory. Presumably, he doesn't come out of card game retirement unless he wants to, or thinks it will be fun.

He hung up his labcoat and the next thing we see him doing is hosting a backyard barbecue. He wants to have a small and quiet life. Just let him fiddle with his machines and grommets, and he'll be happy.

It also sets up the comedy scene where one day someones car is making a funny noise, so they go into their local mechanic's shop, you know, one of those little mom and pop joints, the owner's sweet, he's reliable. And as he's examining under the hood, the lights in the garage flicker, and he just kind of mutters "Oh yeah, they're probably running maintenance on block B1-17."

"Oh? You know a lot about the city's energy infrastructure?"

A pause.

"I built it."

So I know the general consensus is that, post-series, Yusei continues to work at MIDS, and I like that idea too -- he's certainly smart enough, after all -- but also. I like the idea of him just wanting A Very Quiet Life after everything and going back to being a mechanic. Like, MIDS is obviously a good use of his skills and all, but also he's just a dude who likes to work with this hands and MIDS wouldn't really be that. (Of course MIDS would call him every time something breaks and he would go fix it, but he's not someone who likes being in the spotlight and he would vastly prefer it if they'd just leave him alone.)

Anyway, this post isn't really going anywhere other than to say that Mechanic!Yusei lives rent-free in my head.

[talldecafcappuccino]

Title: Between Close Friends

Rating: General Audience

Chapters: 1/1

Relationship: Ted Lasso/Rebecca Welton

Summary: Ted is bad at social media, but is that a bad thing?

Ted, what the fuck are you doing????

Ted peers at his phone, rubbing sleep from his eyes and reads the message again.

He scrolls down and sees he has twelve more texts and three missed calls all from Keeley Jones. He turns off his nighttime notifications with a few exceptions for emergency contacts, so it’s not surprising he slept through the messages.

He scratches at the stubble along his cheek and checks his clock. It’s seven o’clock here in Kansas, so it must be . . . early afternoon in London. He thinks through the last day, but he can’t remember anything interesting enough to have Keeley on the case.

Henry came over to his extended-stay hotel, they went to an American football game, got a late dinner in downtown Wichita, and watched a movie before bed.

They did make it on the Jumbotron for the Lasso-off, the team’s half-time dance contest, but his moves weren’t especially embarrassing. At least not in his opinion. Unless one of the moves was actually an insult to the English in which case, oh jeeze, he needs to get on this quick.

The call barely connects before Keeley’s voice echoes in his ear.

“Oy! Ted!”

“Keeley, I am so sorry for whatever I did to offend the great people of the United Kingdom. I am ready to make a statement and an apology tour as soon as you tell me which dance move I need to retire immediately.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I need you to log out of the AFC Richmond Instagram account. Like, now.”

That stops Ted in his tracks.

Does he even have access to that? He remembers a post-it note of accounts and passwords from Beard on their first day with Richmond.

There was an account run by the previous manager, but Keeley had taken it over long ago, converting it to the official team account. She had also made Ted a personal Instagram for his own use and brand development, but he never posted publicly.

He puts her on speaker phone and opens the Instagram app. She’s right. He’s logged into the team account with all 25 million followers. Well, shoot.

There are about a dozen stories posted from last night. All of Ted and Henry’s day together. There’s puns (“having a cow” at dinner with an image of Henry holding up a beef rib and screaming his head off), Ted and Henry singing at a dueling piano bar, the two brushing their teeth together in the bathroom mirror.

“No offense, but I think this may delay the Tom Ford deal you asked me about.”

“Yeah. I get that.”

“It’s just, you know, dads aren’t quite their brand. Or our brand. I mean we’re not anti-dorky dad, but you know with the whole comeback narrative during the season hiatus . . .”

“No I get it. You’ve put a lot of work into rebranding this team and I just undermined that.”

She sighs, but it’s fond.

“Sorry, Ted. It’s not like what you posted was bad, it’s rather sweet actually. It’s just a little different from the posts I had scheduled.”

Ted nodded. It wasn’t the most embarrassing thing that had ever happened to him, but he felt bad for making Keeley’s job harder than it needed to be.

“No, I’m sorry Keeley. I swear, it won’t happen again.”

****

“Can you believe what Ted did last night? I’ve never seen someone so bad at social media.”

Rebecca has no idea what Keeley is talking about when she walks into her office. She flops onto the couch, feet splayed on the coffee table, clearly exhausted by whatever Ted has done from 4,438 miles away.

“So many puns. Which, don't get me wrong, I love word play more than most people. But I don’t think it’s right for the team right now.”

Rebecca shuts her laptop.

“You’re right about puns not being part of the team plan, but what’s this about Ted? What did he do, exactly?”

Ted hasn’t posted anything in at least 24 hours. Not that Rebecca is keeping track.

“Oh he managed to switch to the team account on Instagram and posted about his entire evening out with Henry. It was quite sweet, actually. The ones that made sense,” but then she pulled a face.”He’s like, really, really bad at social media.”

Oof. Well that isn’t great, but Rebecca doesn’t think there’s anything particularly terrible about Ted’s social media use normally.

“But everything seems under control? No big PR actions needed.”

“It’s fine. I had him log out and wrote a post about Coach Lasso’s surprise social media takeover from America.”

Rebecca nods. Okay, so it was all sorted. Keeley has things totally under control.

But she reaches for her phone anyway. She opens Instagram, taps through the AFC Richmond stories, and snorts at the image of Henry with the rib as big as his head.

“Are people at least being kind?” Rebecca hopes Ted logged out without seeing any messages about Henry. Not that she could see any reason for it, but people were shitheads on the internet.

“Well, wanker is still the most common response. But many of them are wanker with a little heart at the end, so I think it’s fine. We actually got a lot of responses, proper engagement and all that,” she looks up at the ceiling, considering it for a moment before rolling her head to look back at Rebecca.

“If we weren’t trying to present the team as a badass phoenix rising from the ashes, I’d say a Ted takeover isn’t a bad idea. He just needs some supervision. Maybe a phone with a better camera.”

Rebecca is only half listening as she taps to the next story.

“Aw, they went to dueling piano night. That must have been fun for Henry.”

She’s smiling at her phone when Keeley asks, “Dueling piano night?”

“Yeah, you know at Jim Bob’s Bar.”

Keeley is looking at her blankly.

“Fine. I know it’s not really Jim Bob’s bar. It’s probably not even a bar if Henry’s there. But I can’t remember the real name off the top of my head.”

She’d looked it up once, after Ted first posted about the dueling pianos. For some reason she started calling it Jim Bob’s. Ted didn’t seem bothered and had even started calling it that himself.

When she looks up again, Keeley is staring at her, eyes narrowed.

“What are you talking about?”

“What do you mean?”

“How do you know so much about some bar in Kansas?”

That gives Rebecca pause. She isn’t sure what Keeley means by the line of questioning.

“It’s not some totally random bar. Ted posts about it whenever he goes for dueling pianos.”

If he gets to the bar early or she has a particularly late evening, Rebecca catches the story before going to bed. When she does, she always asks him to put in $5 for Wannabee by the Spice Girls. She owes him a small fortune by now, but it’s worth it to see the bar explode with cheers and jeers.

Some nights she misses the story, but he puts money in anyways and she wakes up to a shaky video of, Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.

Rebecca thinks this is a good enough explanation, but Keeley is still staring at her.

“I’ve literally no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Keeley, you know social media is not my thing. All I know is that sometimes Ted posts about this bar on his tiny friends list thing,” she waves her hand around, trying her best to describe it. “The one with the green ring around it.”

Keeley leaps to her feet, eyes wide.

“Am I not on Ted’s Close Friends list??”

Before Rebecca can say a word, Keeley is halfway out the door, texting furiously.

“Roy, better not be on there, if I’m not on there. Ted knows how I feel about being left out!” she shouts over her shoulder. “Sorry Rebecca, I need to do some investigating, asap.”

Oof. She may have just created a problem. It’s probably best to give Ted a heads up before Keeley gets through interrogating Roy.

She drafts a text once, twice, then deletes it and presses call instead.

“Hey Boss, let me guess. Keeley got a hold of you?”

It’s been a while since they’ve chatted, what with the time difference. It’s bizarre how familiar his American accent has become.

“She just left my office, yes.”

There’s a loud crack in the background and a metal clang.

“Where are you?”

“Oh, just the batting cages with Henry,” he says, cheering loudly. “Hey, do you guys have a sport called baseball that has nothing to do with American baseball? You know, like football and football?”

She chuckles, “I don’t believe we do. However there is always cricket.”

He hums, considering it.

“Now Ted, I think there’s something you should know.”

“Lay it on me Boss. I know I caused a headache this morning, what’s the damage? What do you need me to do? I am at your disposal or I’ll lay really, really low as long as you need me to.”

“It’s not that Ted. It’s Keeley.”

“Keeley?”

“Yes, she’s on a bit of a mission at the moment. It seems you left her off your Close Friends list? I think that’s right. On Instagram?”

“Huh. How did that come up?”

“I was telling her about Jim Bob’s. Apparently she had never heard of it and realized you had a whole social media life she was unaware of.”

“Right . . .”

“So do what you will with that.”

“You haven’t talked to anyone else about this yet, have you?”

Rebecca is confused by this new direction.

“No. Why? Ted, is something wrong?”

It takes a long moment for Ted to respond.

“What can I say, I’m just really bad at this social media stuff.”

It's a non-response and an overly folksy one at that. But Rebecca can’t be fooled by the aw shucks routine—not anymore. She tries again.

“Ted. Who is on your close friends list?”

“Uh. Not a lot of people.”

“That doesn’t answer the question.”

“What can I say?” He huffs, a little frustrated. She would feel bad for prying, but she can't help herself. “The list of people I want to share silly life things with is small.”

“How small?” she wonders.

“Very small.”

The line goes silent and Rebecca swears she lost him. But then she hears him take a deep breath.

“It’s you. You’re the list.”

Rebecca feels flush. That’s not where she was expecting this conversation to go.

“I know that might be a lot. You don’t have to say anything. I just, that’s the honest truth and I’d like to get ahead of it before Keeley harangues the entire team.”

It’s a lot to take in, but it makes sense. Sometimes when she’s watching his posts, she wonders about his audience. Who else cares about his biscuit recipe improvements or Broadway Sundays (a recent development that’s turned into a shared movie night.)

“Rebecca?”

She realizes she’s been quiet for a while. The moment feels tenuous and she worries about saying the wrong thing, sending him running faster than Keeley during a social media snafu.

Finally she settles on, “You know, you’re welcome to text me silly life things. It wouldn’t be a bother.”

She brushes invisible crumbs from her desk, listening carefully to his breathing on the other end of the line.

“Yeah?”

“Yes. Maybe I can send some, too?”

Rebecca can hear his smile from across the Atlantic.

“Well, alright then.”

****

That night, Ted’s phone pings and he rolls over to see a text message from Rebecca. It’s a picture of the sun rising over her garden wall.

Something silly to start the day.

But it doesn’t feel silly. Not at all.

[kuriboo]

YuGiOh GX Month 2020

Day 22: Stop Blowing Holes in my Ship!!

This is the rarepair day, and I, predictably, have chosen to write about Jesse Anderson/Chazz Princeton. I think about these two more than anyone really should, by this point. Decided to write some season 1 content; I like to think Jesse was enrolled in North Academy while Chazz was, and there was some reason he just wasn’t at the school at that time. This is just one possibility... But, well, this is canon divergent territory so whatever I say goes anyway, I guess.

This is obviously very late... I have lots of opportunity to write these days, but not a ton of time to put it up anywhere, and I honestly only decided to write this a week ago, or maybe two, after looking at the prompt list again in my Bastion Erasure messages. I also plan to write one more, for the Arc V day, but it’a not gonna be done in September, sorry about that. I’ll probably have it up on October. I’ll put the ao3 link for this one in the notes!

⁂

"What a week it's been, huh?" Jessed asking the bug on his shoulder

The past week had been intense. Normally, Jesse would be in class right now at North Academy. After building his deck for the entrance exam, he had risen high up in the ranks, even though he was just a freshman. Maybe it was because he had bonded with his new bug deck so quickly and so well, rather than pure dueling ability, but it still had caught someone's attention. A few weeks ago, that fella in charge of Industrial Illusions, Maximillion Pegasus, invited Jesse and his bugs to this big tournament with all these duelists he ain't met before. Today had been his second duel in the tournament, and these duels were at least as hard as the duels at North Academy were, those duels being the hardest Jesse had ever faced. He'd managed to win the duel, but it wasn't easy.

For whatever reason, though, whenever Jesse looked out to the audience, he always saw Pegasus looking at him. Pegasus always looked like he was mulling something over in his mind, but he was always looking at Jesse when Jesse saw him. It was a little strange, but Jesse wasn't going to let it throw him off. He was going to give this tournament his best shot and try to leave without regrets.

He couldn’t let himself get distracted now, anyway. He was already thinking about his next opponent in the tournament, and how to face whatever strategies they might use. He was back in the room he’d been assigned to stay in for the duration of the tournament. It was fairly simple room; there were a few chairs, a bed, a closet, and a TV. It sure was comfortable, though.

When the door to his room opened, Jesse nearly jumped out of his chair. “Whoa, that sure spooked me,” Jesse said quietly to himself as a staff member entered the room.

”My apologies.”

”It’s fine, I definitely ain’t upset or nothing. It’s not time for my next duel already, is it?” Jesse asked. He knew he would be dueling more often as the tournament progressed, but this was sooner than he’d figured it would be. His previous duel ended not long ago. Yet, it was strange for someone from the tournament staff to be here otherwise.

”It’s not time for you to duel just yet. We received this today. It’s for you.” They gave Jesse an envelope with his name written on the front.

Jesse smiled. “Thanks!”

As the staff member left, Jesse opened the envelope, his bug friends crowding around to all try to read it at the same time. It was from Chancellor Foster, from North Academy; the date the letter was sent was written in the top right. It’d been sent out not long after Jesse left North Academy. He’d set off for the tournament almost as soon as he got the invitation, since the trip itself took over a week. It wasn’t a surprise to see the mail travelled slower. Even so soon after he left, it was a letter updating Jesse on how much had happened in North Academy between Jesse’s departure and when the letter was written.

Apparently, a lot happened in a short time. A freshman from the main branch of Duel Academy had transferred to North Academy just before Jesse left for the tournament. Why the transfer occurred wasn’t clear, but it wasn’t any of Jesse’s business. As it turned out, that freshman had reached the top rank of North Academy after putting their new deck together, as part of North Academy’s entrance exam. Jesse rose his eyebrows as that. This duelist must be really good, ranking as the top duelist with a deck full of cards they’d never used.

It sounded like this duelist was going to represent North Academy in the upcoming duel against the main branch, too. Jesse wouldn’t be able to see it in person since he wouldn’t be back to the academy yet, but he couldn’t wait to hear the results.

”Chazz Princeton, huh? I’ll have to remember that you.”

As good as this Chazz Princeton was, Jesse still hadn’t dueled them yet. As soon as Jesse returned to North Academy, it would be time to change that.

A duel later, not long after dinner, Jesse was practically vibrating with excitement.

The next duel, just 36 hours away, would be part of the semi-finals. He was so excited to be in the tournament, to have made it this far, that he couldn’t think strategy right now. He didn’t know what to do with himself, but if he couldn’t get himself to prepare on the upcoming duel, maybe watching a duel on TV would help him think of new ideas? Seeing other duelists’ decks and strategies and all? Jesse turned on the TV and began flipping through channels to find a duel to watch.

He stopped when he found a duel that immediately captured his attention. It looked like the duelists were around his age? That was odd, since students usually didn’t weren’t broadcasted, especially on a live broadcast like this one.

A few minutes later and Jesse found out that this was apparently the big duel between North Academy and the main branch. He blinked. Did he forget this duel would be televised? He didn’t remember hearing that it would, but...

It looked like the main branch had chosen a duelist, too, which made it hard to figure which duelist represented which school, but after a couple of moments he was able to figure it out. The duelist in the black jacket was Chazz Princeton, dueling for North Academy. Duel Academy’s duelist had a red jacket on; it sounded like his name was Jaden. Both students had interesting cards. Jaden had these cool looking hero monsters, they seemed like fun friends to have. Chazz looked like he was using North Academy’s legendary Armed Dragon deck. The deck could appear weak at the beginning of the duel, but Jesse knew better to judge it by that. The biggest lesson any student at North Academy learned was that there were no truly bad cards. All cards could be good, as long as you knew how to use them.

Chazz had just summoned Armed Dragon LV 7. Soon anyone who was unaware of the deck’s power would no longer underestimate it. Beyond it’s powerful stats, it also had the ability to destroy all its opponents monsters, making it a force to be reckoned with. This deck was legendary for a reason. Soon, Jaden was able to defend himself from the direct attack without losing life points, but it was close. He’d barely been able to keep himself in the duel.

This was a close duel. Jesse was on the edge of his seat. Even if the situation looked bad for Jaden, Jesse knew he couldn’t count out Duel Academy’s rep just yet either.

A few turns later Jaden was able to destroy Armed Dragon LV 7 with a card effect, proving Jesse to be right. Jaden had less life points, but he now had the upper hand.

”I hope Chazz can pull through still,” Jesse muttered to himself. “It’d be nice to see North Academy win this year...” Of course, this was Jesse’s first year, so he hadn’t been present for last year’s duel. But as the school had prepared for this year’s duel, he’d quickly learned North Academy lost last year. It wasn’t a close match, either. The school’s moral, especially the chancellor’s, had been hit hard after that.

Plus, it was clear by now that Chazz’s status in North Academy had been no fluke. He was a good duelist and definitely deserved to win. Not that Jaden didn’t deserve the win either, Jaden was fairly good himself, but... Besides just wanting his school to win, Jesse wouldn’t deny that Chazz was kind of cute. That fact definitely had him leaning even more for Chazz’s victory.

After Chazz’s next turn, however, something changed.

All the sudden Jaden was telling Chazz about how dueling for fun, not for the win itself. Jesse knew Jaden was absolutely right. Jesse hadn’t even questioned whether they were both having fun. Yet, looking now at Chazz, it was clear he was stressed. Jesse frowned. He knew Chancellor Foster and the other students wouldn’t put this much pressure on Chazz to win this duel, so who was? Someone else?

Was Chazz putting some of that pressure on himself?

Many people experienced test anxiety, even people who excelled in what they were tested on. Jesse had seen it before, and experienced it himself in the past; slap the word ‘test’ on anything and people get nervous. Suddenly, people forget the answers to questions they otherwise knew. Maybe this duel could be considered something like a test. Maybe this was a bad case of test anxiety.

No matter what, Jesse hoped Chazz would be able to relax and pull through. Duels weren’t made for stressin’.

Chazz told Jaden to surrender while he still could, but Jaden was having too much fun to even think about it. Jaden hoped that during his next duel with Chazz, Chazz would be able to have fun, and Jesse found himself hoping that, too. Chazz didn’t deserve the pressure he was under.

Jaden’s next turn came, and the broadcast lost its signal as Jaden attacked. That attack would’ve left Chazz with no life points, and there was definitely no was for Chazz to avoid it. It was weird that it cut right then, but Jesse didn’t need to see anymore anyway. He already knew how the duel ended.

Both duelists were only in their first year of school, but it was clear they both were skilled duelists. Bringing out Armed Dragon 7 and devastating Jaden’s life points with a direct attack was not an easy task, especially someone using Armed Dragon for the first time. Destroying Armed Dragon was no easy task, either. Jaden, as the winner, was very obviously a good duelist.

Chazz, though? No one should think any less of him because he lost; Jesse sure didn’t. That’s just the way the cards played out sometimes. No one could win all the time.

Jesse had already been interested when he heard Chazz was the top duelist in North Academy right after transferring. Now that he’d watch Chazz duel, he really wanted to duel against Chazz. He couldn’t wait to meet him.

Though Jesse had a feeling he would want more, all he could hope was that he and Chazz could at least be friends some day. Not today, not with this tournament still to finish, but some day.

Chazz at the very least was not going to get out of a duel with him.

[byron1]

Microwave door bouncer to keep you from eating garbage. "Where do we Go now" guns & roses/ picking a restaurant Fallout joke: I was at work while you cheating all day. Punchline: I never even got to cheat AND she would tell me about her bounty EVRyday SKIT: Danielle cooking pie (or anything really) and you have headphones on improve rapping to her and it sounds good to me but cut to her with no music and she looks at me very annoyedly Opener: Walks on stage, grabs mic and lays down. "Instead of stand up up I'm gonna try "lay down", it's way more comfortable.. That joke needs a Mitch headberg voice" repeat joke in Mitch headberg voice "com-fort-able" Hotel TV remotes have never been cleaner. Everybody on the phone watching porn and Netflix. The last person to use a hotel remote for porn died years ago Terminator cop in San Diego -what it felt like on mushrooms (terminator slo mo walk by) -what really happened (cop just walks by and shrugs) "Whenever I start dating a girl I buy her a really nice, big purse as a gift. ...Cuz she's gonna be carrying a bunch of my shit around for the next 4 1/2 months" - jack bliss Old west - duel going on in the middle of town. Mayor stops everything -"what are you guys arguing about" "is it worth dying over? I mean I can look this up on my phone" Mayor looks it up on the phone and who ever was wrong gets shot with no countdown ..Watch a little porn. Once you get too familiar with a site you drift to the lesser known porn sites ...This particular website has a top 50 viewed videos.. And you can sort em by 1 day, 7 days, 30 days, and my favorite, "all-time". ..That's just a buncha like minded individuals helpin' each other out.. But you can always tell when a bunch of likeminded weirdos find the site cuz for the 1 Day Most Viewed, it's just a ton of videos of people peein' on each other. And now it's like "maaaan, now I'm not even in the mood. AND I'm disappointed in you PornoTime, I didn't even now that was so prevalent on your site!" And it's usually on a Sunday... All you pee heathens jerkin off on the toilet with your computers on your laps should be at church! But then I'm like ".....let's see what all this hype is about" If I eat Asian food and drink a glass of milk, will I explode? Asians they don't drink milk! I think it's cuz they know. It's like when you have Indian or real African neighbors and that food smell just permeates ev-er-y thing. Unpleasant for the most part. Asians think white people smell like rotten cheese or like the cow aushwitz off the 5. <----Cowlinga. Nasty place. I was on a road trip with my wife and "she's tired" (bitchy voice) so she wants to stop for the night. At night she couldn't tell but in the morning when that sun came up?.. And that stink starts stinkin?.. She's like "oh those poor Asians. We should stop eating cheese for them" And then she puked. Friendricks Smitreaux - hands too small, not allowed in Burger King. Has quarrels. (Jack) Calling GameStop, having a nerdy conversation, with a funny voice. Rb movie voice could be a thing. Do you have x y z Round table pizza local interview podcast Wife's mom with gigantic fat pet and gets scolded by vet. Mom is pissed new underwear lint gets stuck to your dick. About to get a blowjob and she freaks out cuz there's fuzzy berries all over your jimmy wang dong. (Explain in between these sentences how fuzz sticks to your dick when you have new unwashed out of the box underwear) I've done this to my wife since we started dating "Chivalry Gone Wild" - pushing girls out of the way to open the doors for them. Later girl has chivalry ptsd (now she shivers when a guy reaches for the check at a restaurant) "Once I got roofied..." Story ensues "Once I had a crazy dream..." Story ensues Either way you're bored Went into the bank, for the candy of course, why else would you go inside these days. As I reach for the candy, the lady behind the counter says "DON'T TAKE THAT CANDY!...... It's super old.. Here take this, I have a 'secret stash' back here" I was like "You Smoke Weed, huh?" No I didn't say that, I just did the stoner laugh, which basically communicates the same message I have road rage. Like.. bad. But they're really cracking down on that now. I mean you can't even throw the bird these days. So I'm trying to advocate this, in place of the bird, you hit the rear window spray 2 times. (doesn't work if your window is dirty) I'm trying to spread this so people know I'm insulting them..... Also the "up hand", thumbs up is for assholes...... I just don't want road rage to go away, you know?! Went to the grocery store at night and someone was sleeping in the car I parked in front of. I see a middle finger come over the dash. I quickly kill my headlights and the middle finger turns into a thumbs up and recedes below the dash. I like that person.. Soccer needs timeouts like catholic priests need to be able to fuck. Flopping soccer players = selabate priests Lost lake truck sinks into water. Guy goes back for cigarettes brings one pack instead of the ENTIRE CARTON White people now can only do other ethnicities voices while reading a name. (List 3 different "ethnic" names) Buttercup story: weed in New York Trying to get a random buddy to be the third player in the game of RISK is like trying to get a random girl to come back to your house and suck you AND your buddies dicks. "Wanna play a game of risk?" Shit no Instead of people saying "Grizzly Adams DID have a beard" I think we should change it to "Kurt Cobain DID have a gun" "no I swear I don't have a gun" ...too soon?! Liqueur Control Board. Two young kids walk into a bar. They order jäger. Liquor Control comes in and says to the bartender: "do you those kids you served are underaged?" Bartender says "you're out of your Jurisdiction!!! Call the Liqueur Control Board!!" Liqueur Control Board shows up lookin like French cops "(( assholeish French accent thing here))" I work construction..... (Frown face) You THINK you want to shit in a freshly clean porta-potty. But that's not the case. You drop any size turd in that blue water and it's coming back up to splash your asshole. You need a big pile of turd to cushion the blow. I frequent a sports bar, and they allow kids in a certain section and sometimes you don't see these children behind you. So you day-drunkenly yell out "well I can't exactly tit fuck 'er, but they're perfectly shaped!" ((Rule of thirds here, needs 2 more examples)) History Lesson: •Good at art cuz no porn - there was much better art, and I mean paintings, back in the days of yore. Do you know why so many iconic paintings come from this era?! Because there was no porn. You think these guys (Rembrandt, Van Gogh, Monet) weren't drawing weird sex stuff in their spare time?! Of course they were. People think porn took over in vhs days but it's gone back much further than you think Way back in the day, I don't think they had the ADA (American Dental Association), but if they did it would be The Association of Guys that Own Pliers. If you had a tooth ache in the 18th century, your barber would pull your tooth!.. Guess the barber had a set of pliers.. therefore making him.. also a dentist. Hatred for people with red hair bleed over from hatred for the Irish? I just found out I'm Irish.. My dad was adopted and he just did the genealogy thing. Piss on a stick, or something.... I may be thinking of something else.. Anyway, it makes a ton of sense cuz my mom was Swiss. And if you know anything about the Swiss, they don't tend to takes sides, (hmhrph wwii). So when I get high, I'm Swiss: "hey whatever your views man, let's just have a dialogue.. Orrr not, I really have no stance on the issue." But when I drink whiskey: ..I wanna fight people. And I'm not a big guy soooo, I try not to drink whiskey.. I try to test myself against my friends, but they are all bigger than me so it never ends well. There is one guy who's bigger than me, but I can just psychologically break him down, and it's all true so I always win. And those other big guys are around and laughing so I have some protection. Things like "good thing those chicks can't see how many times you swipe right, otherwise they would call you a "Desperate Bitch!" Or: "you're so pathetic, how do you not have a crescent wrench?!" Things like that. One Friday night, He was a coward and attacked me while I was fall over baby deer legs drunk. We shut the bar down and as we're walking out he shoves me and I go flying into the ashtray. Butts are flyin.. I was not happy with him and I think I had some whiskey that night because I plotted revenge for the next day, I say "I'm gonna fuck this guy up". Saturday morning we always go back to the bar for breakfast. He says "you gonna be at the bar for breakfast?" I say "yeah buddy, 20 minutes". That's when I start loading the quarters into the sock. But yeah, whiskey makes me angry, I guess. Did anyone notice how the hitler youth haircut came back right around the time most of the wwii vets were pretty much all dead? The hipsters were scared of some old vet having a flashback to the war. "YOU.. NAZI.. BASTARD!!!" So my wife says to me while we're in the kitchen, out of nowhere, and I quote, "yeah I drop craisins" I'm thinking this is some new thing the kids are doing. Then she points to the floor and..there is a craisin. She says "watch this" and shoves a gigantic handful in her mouth and a few fall on the floor. She then walks away Slava drug store story. "What kind of a name is that?!" Shia vs. Tink The wiener dog comes in the house, if it smells the cat, he goes crazy. (Killed the neighbor tea cup something or another) the cat hears his collar and jumps up out of range and watches us shower the dog with love. ((Cats reaction is the punchline)) "What the fuck, that dude is trying to kill me!! Benedict friggin Arnolds" Danielle: "Willy Wonka" is like "Saw" for kids Never touch a mans belt buckle. Cuz they drape their balls over them while taking a piss "Hey lesbians, do you have your gloves in the car? They said yes. Well let's get a pickup game going! Hunters heroin people story - "she's sucking his DICK!" MMA fighter goes back in time to 1907. Breaks 1907's guys wrist because of his dumb boxing stance Lady at rite aid going through gender reassignment. I use my chip and she tells me to slide. I say "yeah we're going through a transitional phase right now" instantly realize what I just said Back to the bar. Being a smoker you know everybody's car.. you've seen them come and go enough because you're that much of an alcoholic and smoke on the half hour for the six hours you're there. (Well not you, me) So you'll walk up to the bar and be like "oh hello, jacks car, let's just lift up your windshield wipers there buddy" or "oh yup, Old Man Roy parked like a dick again.." Or "Hey look! there's Kevin's truck, let's draw a dick on it". <---Another thing about being a smoker that brings me joy, is watching the horror on people's faces when they scape the plastic underneath their bumper when pulling to close to the curb. I always give a look implying "you just fucked up your bumper!" Bar, Interior: If I'm on my phone and you come sit next to me at the rail, do not get on your phone, cuz then I feel like we look like assholes and I put my phone away.. But I still have shit to do so you're really being a real monkey wrench in my operation People who do bird calls: trying to trick birds? Stock internet passwords make you seem like an insane person. Jolly ocean 3, rapid pineapple 0. An insane person looks at it and goes "....that works. No need to even change it.." Bevmo event planner needs an option for your alcoholic friends. 3 pictures. What do your friends look like at the end of the night; 1. Someone smiling 2. Hot mess 3. Just a toilet Sleeping in the wrong car overnight My wife put my jerk off blanket out for people to use. "You sicko!! You were gonna let my friends use that blanket" I'm thinking of the scenario where somebody goes to grab and I say "oh that's my baby blanket, I don't know how that got out here, let me get you another one.." And..((eyebrow)) I wouldn't be lying about the baby blanket thing. Old men's memory's are bad because their spank banks are 70 years full. Head Bobbers of Noddingham My wife said "you know how I know you're an alcoholic? Because your handwriting is shit but your numbers are beautiful. Signing tabs everyday for the last 10 years will do that" You know what really freaks out the ladies? When you immediately realize what you did wrong. You start apologizing too soon and it somehow makes things much worse. So if you one day have an immediate realization about something you did wrong... Play the dumb card for a day or 3 to make it seem like you've put deep thought into your mistake. Skinny guys dating fat chicks: what if she gets cold, how can you share your jacket?! My dad was adopted and finally did that genetics test •"spit"• hey, we're Irish. That makes a ton of sense. Too much whiskey and all of the sudden I get ridiculous agry Power went out in target. Here's how weird I am: I stole a snoop dogg cd and a Björk cd. To all women: if one is partaking upon a banana in public, use a knife. This will discourage onlookers. #yesallwomen Anyone old enough to send away "proof of purchases" for a prize from the back of a cereal box? Had to ask your mom for $2.50 to cover shipping and handling.. Waiting for it made you realize there is no true instant gratification. The waiting! Everyday: did it arrive, mother?!... No? (sulk away) then FINALLY when your 6 piece Lego set shows up you think: "I'm 27 I don't care about Legos anymore!" (Needs a tag) ((maybe:)) but I forgot to pull out when I was 21 so my 6 yr old will enjoy it) Old phone when unlocked will have a random screen of something from earlier. Sometimes it's porn. Gotta be careful Nowadays you see an old lady walking around and you think "that lady looks as old as my grandma when I was 9. She's got the old lady hair, the old lady sweater, old lady shoes, old lady jewelry" but then she has some rockin' tits! They do a "facelift" for those titties Gotta be careful watching porn with headphones. The getting caught factor isn't even what I mean, I leave one ear off for that. I only do les porn with headphones. cuz you don't need some dude "ugh ugh ugh! Oh Ya baby suck that cock" RIGHT IN YOUR ear. Not what I'm goin for there. White people always put housin sauce in the pho. Next to the bar I go to is a pho place. Smoking with Paul Teaching us how after we go in drunk.. (Housen sauces for dippin the meat)((white people put it in the broth)) "oh really?? Cut to me at home- it's delicious!!" Free bottle of siracha Pouring the old pho in the toilet ("how else do you get rid of old pho?!") How pissed off are you when someone in a Tesla SUV doesn't open their back doors? "Lemme see that back to the future sheeeit!" Old guy coughing sounds like someone taking crap to you. "What the hell did you say to me, old man?