#When the day is done and he's back in his river and alone - LWJ finally feels a new emotion...it is longing and loneliness.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Sorry for not having a Year of the Dragon MDZS artwork; Unfortunately, I can only picture Dragon LWJ in this particular flavour.

[drwcn]

《 Without Envy 》 storyboard 10 - concubine/sleeper agent!wwx & prince!lwj

Other snippets and storyboards can be found on [Master List]

Exactly 851 days - 2 years, 4 months and 11 days - after Wei Wuxian arrived at Gusu and began his mission as a sleeper agent, he was activated.

That chilly morning, he walked into the pastry shop - a front maintained by a decade-long Wen spy - a walk he'd done hundred of times on hundreds of mornings since he arrived. He breezed past the packaging counter, skipped through the faded cotton drapes, and rounded behind the back staircase to the room where Xue Yang always waited for him. Only this time, it was not just his candy-obsessed, murder-happy shidi, but a face he hadn't seen in many, many months. "...Shifu?" Wen Zhuliu's visit meant the end of his carefree days. It's time. That night, Wei Wuxian did not look at either Lan Wangji or Jiang Yanli when he bid "dianxia" and "Jiang-zhuzi" good night. He pretended to retire to bed early, after washing himself of his servant's exterior and donning his robes of night-black. He laid in the dark, waiting for time to pass, and reminded himself of his true purpose. He was never meant to care about these people; love these people. Jiang Yanli was not his doting foster sister; Lan Wangji was not his beloved wangye. I am Wei Wuxian of the great Qishan Wen. Nevernight is my home. I am a spy. Gusu is my enemy. Wei Wuxian kept his eyes closed, his breathing even, and his heartbeat slow. In the lonely quiet, he waited, and waited, and waited. Until the candlelight around the princely manor dimmed to nothing, until the night grew still and the moon shone bright and high in the dark, dark sky. Reaching under the floorboard beneath his bed, Wei Wuxian retrieved his life-long companion from its hiding place and released it from its sheath. "Hello, old friend." He whispered, stroking the blade edge. Suibian's steel glistened with cold malevolence in the stark, pale moonlight.

It would be another year before WWX's identity is discovered. During that time, he lived a double life. In the day, he was Lan Wangji's precious Wei Ying, and at night, he was the blade in Wen Ruohan's hand, stealing, killing and destroying on command. His assignments were not always murder; sometimes it required him to break into secure facilities and obtain copies of certain documents. He was never alone on these jobs; there was always someone convalescing with him from within. Slowly, he began to realize just how deep Wen Ruohan's spy network had infiltrated Gusu's foundation. In a way, it excited him, to know that the posturing and pretending would soon be over, that in the near future a quick war would sweep across the land and unite the two nations. In another way, it frightened him to the bones.

Wei Wuxian killed 37 individuals within the span of a year, 37 men and women of different ranks, status and stations. He did not always know why these people needed to die; in fact, he often didn't and preferred it that way. If he didn't know the motive, then he couldn't argue against the reason, and thus could go on believing that what Wen Ruohan did was ultimately for the betterment of everyone. The men of Gusu were weak - Wei Wuxian was always told - they were not fit to rule. The people of Gusu would be better served under a united empire. He repeated this statement to himself before every job, but over time, the mantra on his tongue began to lose its flavour.

In the meantime however, Lan Wangji and Jiang Yanli quickly formed a strong plan on how they wanted to live out the rest of their lives. Lan Wangji never quite enjoyed laying with women, but Jiang Yanli had just enough wickedness behind her demure exterior that things were... well, interesting. In any case, it was not long before she came to him all smiles and whispered the good news over luncheon .

"Truly?" Lan Wangji set down his chopsticks. "Hm uhm." Jiang Yanli dapped her mouth delicately. "Now, perhaps it's a good time to discuss how dianxia should go about winning A-Xian's affection. He's under the impression you've cast him aside on taishi's orders and has been giving him the cold shoulder." "I wasn't." Lan Wangji defended himself, distressed and slightly offended. "It's just, huangshu's been watching me like a hawk. I was afraid any further attempt to be closer to him would give my uncle reason to remove him from my household entirely." Jiang Yanli was sympathetic. "The summer hunt is in two week's time, and afterwards, since bixia always likes to finish the night on the river with fireworks, perhaps...." She let the sentence dangle, a knowing smile playing at her lips. Lan Wangji felt hope.

Unfortunately, a little hiccup happened before the hunt could take place. Jin Ziyan falsely believed that Wei Wuxian had fallen out of favour with Lan Wangji and was itching to show him his place. Poor Mo Xuanyu was caught in the middle. Jin Ziyan knew Wei Wuxian was an audacious one, but not so stupid that he could be easily goaded into committing a grave offence. Thus, Jin Ziyan planned to cause an incident in the garden whereby poor Mo Xuanyu would unwittingly "offend" him, and he would publicly announce a punishment that was harsher than necessary. He made sure that Jiang Yanli and Wei Wuxian were near by, as they usually took a mid-afternoon stroll after lunch. True to his predictions, Wei Wuxian could not stop himself for interfering on Mo Xuanyu's behalf. Then in their altercation, Jin Ziyan would fall into the pond, making it seem as though Wei Wuxian was the one who shoved him out of anger. Oh but a lowly servant shoving Hanguang-wang's deputy consort into the pond??! He was as good as dead. What's more, everything happened on the same afternoon that Lan Qiren was scheduled to visit Lan Wangji to discuss matters of court. If it was only Lan Wangji, Jin Ziyan knew Wei Wuxian would suffer little consequence, but taishi tolerated no insubordination or churlish behaviour of any kind.

Lan Qiren was incensed, livid, but he was not hasty to deal the punishment. Instead he turned to his nephew and asked, whilst fully knowing the answer, "Wangji, your household follows the regulations that govern all princely manors, does it not?" "It does, huangshu." "Then tell me what is the punishment reserved for a servant for daring to lay hands on a deputy consort and to cause physical harm to said consort?" "It....I - huangshu -" "What is the rule?" Lan Wangji knew very well that the punishment was death for any servant, maid or eunuch who dared to harm any member of the harem. But Wei Ying, his Wei Ying... "Wei Ying is very precious to Yanli and to Yunmeng-hou. As well..." Lan Wangji hesitated. "Yanli is with child again. It is still very early so we thought it best not to announce it lest we have a repeat of last time. It would not do to upset her at this time." Lan Qiren was extremely dissatisfied with his answer, but conceded for Jiang Yanli's sake. "I'm glad, Wangji, that you've found your way back to your proper companions. This Wei Wuxian clearly has been spoiled to the point of impropriety. His actions today are utterly unacceptable and cannot be allowed to go unpunished or else others would surely follow his example. Guards!" "Detain Wei Wuxian. Have him strung up on a post in the servants' courtyard and give him fifty lashes. No food nor drink. Sun or rain, he is not to be let down until dusk tomorrow." "Huangshu!" Lan Wangji's head buzzed, as though someone had struck him squarely in the temple. His chest felt tight, and his heart ached where it rebelled inside him. "Please -" "He has his life. That is mercy enough."

Wei Wuxian was stripped down to his trousers only and tied up to a post, his hands bound together above him and his bare feet never finding purchase on the ground no matter how he struggled. This fucking suck ass. Jin Ziyan you're a dead man. When all fifty lashes were dealt, even the guards were sweating through their robes. They left him dangling there in the blistering summer heat. A young maid dared to try and sneak him some water but was thwarted by an older momo. "What do you think you're doing, lassie? Did you not hear taishi, no food or drink until dusk tomorrow. Do you want lashes too? Go on! Go!" It rained hard all through the night, only easing up at dawn, but the aftermath of the storm left the air muggy and humid. Combined with the heat, it felt as though he was being steamed alive like a wheat bun. At some point during the second day, Wei Wuxian finally lost consciousness. He was not aware when Lan Wangji barged into the courtyard against Lan Qiren's explicit orders and cut him free.

Really tho, i just want this scene to happen (╹ڡ╹ ) "I'm sorry." Wei Wuxian blinked at Lan Wangji's hunched figure sitting at his bedside. "Whatever for? You saved me, dianxia." Lan Wangji, "But it was my attention that put you in such a position in the first place. Huangshu was looking for a reason to punish you since that day he saw us in my study." Wei Wuxian, "dianxia..." "I find you... lovely, Wei Ying," confessed Lan Wangji with a heavy sigh. His ears burned red not only with the embarrassment of a youth in love but with shame. "I wish for your company, even when you have no desire to be part of my harem. Now I know my mistake. I should have respected the boundaries. I should've known my attention on you would incite jealousy from the others, and as a servant, you have no means of protecting yourself. This is entirely my fault." Wei Wuxian's heart fluttered despite himself. He quickly shook his head. "No dianxia, please don't blame yourself -" Lan Wangji, "perhaps I should send you back to Jiang-fu; I'm sure Jiang-xiao-gongzi would be delighted to have your company back. You would be safe there." Jiang Wanyin had come to visit his sister the very next day after Wei Wuxian was sentenced to whipping. He was one of the most accomplishment young men of his generation, anticipated to be a great general. Nie Mingjue had thought highly of him and had expected great things from this youth. Though perhaps what the late feng-jun found truly commendable was Jiang Wanyin's complete lack of pretense and his short-fuse temper. That is to say, he did not hesitate to get in Lan Wangji's face. His sister would have chastised him, had she not been so preoccupied by her tears. Wei Wuxian, "Jiang...Jiang Cheng was here?" "He was, and he was very upset about your condition. He left many fine medicine and ointments for you." Lan Wangji sighed again. "I shall speak with Yanli. If she is amenable, then I shall make arrangements for you to go back to Jiang-fu. You would not have to put up with me any longer." Lan Wangji stood up. Wei Wuxian grasped his sleeve immediately. In that moment, he could not tell if his panic was derived from his worry that he would not be able to complete his assignment if Lan Wangji were to send him away or if he simply did not wish to part with the prince. "Dianxia - I - I don't want to leave. I - it's true I had once rejected you, but...would you think less of me if I said your attention … hasn't been unwanted for a while, that I have come to enjoy them." At Lan Wangji's widened eyes, Wei Wuxian continued quickly. "You need not give me anything, no elevation, no rank. I don't care about any of that. I am a man, I have no ability to give you children. Nor do I have any family who would benefit from your continued favour of me. I am an orphan, dianxia, I have no place to go. I just....don't send me away. Please let me stay! I'm not afraid of Jin Ziyan, or taishi, or anything!" Lan Wangji sat back down. His hand trembled when he laid it on top of Wei Wuxian's. "Wei Ying...?" Wei Wuxian smiled, still radiant despite his pale complexion. "Dianxia -" "Lan Zhan. No more dianxia, I only want to hear you call me by my name." Wei Wuxian flushed pink. The blush was real, as was the pleased little smile he tried to hide. "Lan Zhan, Wei Ying is yours, if you still want him." The worst part of that was that he meant it. Just the mere thought of being held by Lan Wangji, of being kissed by him, of... so many other wonderful possibilities, made Wei Wuxian want to hide his flaming face into his pillow. Lan Wangji smiled. Quietly, he lifted Wei Wuxian's hand and pressed a kiss to the inner side of his wrist. "Rest, I will be right here." Wei Wuxian felt his treacherous little heart soar: oh no … oh no no no no ….. (Xue Yang's voice in narration: and it was in this moment, that Wei Wuxian knew, he fucked up.) The cruellest thing Wei Wuxian ever did was give Lan Wangji hope knowing that one day he would take it all away.

[wujipianover]

grief, the price of love

for jiang yanli’s birthday! happy birthday shijie! @mdzsnet

summary: She talks. It’s not entirely appropriate but it’s for Wei Ying so both don’t mind. She tells him about their childhood, stories of Wei Wuxian getting in trouble. She talks about when he first came to Lotus Pier, so tiny. How he ran away at night and she carried him on her back after he fell from a tree. Talked about how he used to lie on boats for hours at a stretch on the rivers of Yunmeng. How he was loved by every single vendor there. Lan Wangji takes in every detail hungrily. Her heart aches for him. There was always something between them that the world never understood, never bothered to understand. He can’t mourn openly. So she talks and hopes her memories would be able to fill the cracks.

(jiang yanli survives nightless city. she learns she isn't the only one left that cares for her wei ying)

grief is the price you pay for love

tags: jiang yanli lives, grief/mourning, cooking as therapy, jyl teaches lwj how to make soup

read on ao3 if you want!

When she wakes up, it’s to the sound of her little brother singing a lullaby that their mother used to sing, long long back ago with a sleeping A-Ling in his arms. She smiles, warmly. And then there is pain, unbearable pain all over her body and Jiang Cheng is getting up and fretting.

“A-jie! You’re up! Thank God!”

The relief that washes over him is palpable.

Then everything comes back to her. She was stabbed. Her hand ghosts over her abdomen that is covered with bandages. Dark, heavy grief settles over her. He’s gone. Otherwise he would be here, she knows him enough to know that.

“A-Ying?,” she trails off. A lone tear escapes unknowingly.

The Zidian around Jiang Cheng’s arm crackles menacingly. He’s grinding his teeth, a habit he’s had since he was 6. But now his eyes are dark and anger rolls off of him. He clutches A-Ling tighter.

“He’s dead. Had been dead to me long before.”

And that’s the end of the conversation.

Jiang Yanli’s heart shatters. She knew that. She knew everything that her Wei Ying had done. She looks over to her son and feels some of the weight lessen. But she still loves Wei Ying. Loved Wei Ying, something ugly reminds her.

She’s trying to not sob, all the heartache forming a lump in her throat when she falls asleep again.

*

She wakes up again to quiet. A moment later a nurse walks in and checks on her.

She wants to see her son again. She has to talk to A-Cheng again. Above all, she needs to see her Xianxian again. 

She wasn’t done mourning for her husband. His loss, she feels in her heart, something she carries everyday. Jin Zixuan was not always kind to her. But later, there was love, so much love. It had washed over her and cleansed her off everything bad they had to endure. Wei Wuxian’s absence at the wedding was felt by all. But she had smiled and that hadn’t felt like a lie. But she never blamed the loss on Wei Wuxian. She knows him. Knew him.

Jiang Cheng walks into the room a while later. The nurse had told her that she had been asleep for two days. Seeing A-Cheng’s face erupt into a smile settles some of the sorrow stirring in her. She has him.

He kneels beside her bed.

“A-jie, I am so glad you’re up! We will be travelling to Lanling tomorrow and I wish I could stay with you there. I could if Wei Wuxian had kept his promise,” he stops himself. Clenching his jaw he says, “Well then, none of this would have happened.” His voice is softer, melancholic.

 Her heart gives out. “You know none of this is his fault,” she tries gently.

“How can you still believe that?” He looks from where his face was buried in his hands. There are dark bruises under his eyes. He’s not been sleeping well. Too young, he’s too young and he has experienced more grief for a lifetime. He’s a sect leader now and the weight of responsibilities are visible in the tense line of his shoulders. “After all this?” HIs voice is choked.

Jian Cheng, she realizes needs reassurance because deep down, the parts covered by formalities and duties, he feels the same as him.

“Because you knew him”

“I don’t think I did.” There is finality in his words. He gets up suddenly and steels his expressions. The face of a sect leader.

“The Jiang sect has cut all ties with Wei Wuxian. His death will not change this fact.”

He salutes her. This is too formal. She wants to go back to a moment before.

“I will ask a nurse to bring A-Ling to you. Shijie needs to rest for her journey tomorrow.”

He turns on his heels and leaves before she can get a word out.

*

Life goes on. It takes a month to learn to walk again. A month more till she can hold her son again. It’s painful. There is an ugly scar on her belly but it acts as a reminder that someone, someone was there for Wei Wuxian. So it’s beautiful. 

She wrestles her way into sect leader business much to the dismay of Jin Guangshan. Too long, she had gone on living in the shadows. There’s not a lot she can do, what with not being able to travel to other sects. But she attends meetings at Lanling and no one has dared to question her presence. She survived a knife to her belly. She has seen too much loss. She is strong and capable.

Jiang Cheng refuses to acknowledge Wei Wuxian. Rumours fly around that he gave the final blow that killed him. Her Xianxian ceases to exist, replaced by stories and myths of the Yiling Patriarch. It’s as if he was never a person before. As if he was never a boy. Just a boy.

So she flings herself into complaints from the villagers in Lanling. They are young, honest, ordinary people. They have problems that don’t take cultivation to solve. So she devotes herself to their needs, and then to the needs of the people who come to her from far away. Wei Wuxian did the same thing with the Wens. He was right. She wishes she had told him that, or tried to convince others of that.

She nurses his memory too, he will be alive in them. She remembers him smiling. He was born with a smile that could compete with the sun. It’s lonely though, being the only one alive who cares about him.

And then she gets a letter. And is reminded that she is not alone in loving Wei Ying.

Respected Young Lady Jiang,

I hope this Second Young Master Lan doesn’t offend Young Lady Jiang by sending this. Sect Leader Jiang informed me of your recovery. It comes as good news.

I am not aware of how much Lady Jiang has been informed on the matters of Wei Ying. This young master feels the need to inform that they still haven’t found a body. I continue to play Inquiry every night in hopes to find Wei Ying’s spirit. If there are any developments, Young Lady Jiang would be the first one to know.

This humble brother apologizes for any breach of privacy.

Wei Ying’s Lan Zhan.

She reads the letter again. How foolish for her to think that she was all alone in thinking about Wei Wuxian as he was. For the first time in a long time, his memory brings a smile to her face.

*

It gets easier. Time heals. A-Ling is a joy, raising him is second nature. The cultivation world becomes messy and she draws away from it. They have fallen into dramas that are not worthy for sect leaders to get into.

She spends her time talking to the common man and making sure Wei Ying’s Jin Rulan is worthy of his name.

She doesn’t hear from Hanguan-jun. There are whispers, nasty talk of discipline whips and seclusion and a young child. She doesn’t pay heed to any of it. A part of her wishes for another letter. She desperately wants to talk about him. Seems like that’s the only way to keep him alive now.

It’s almost noon and she is in her room going over written grievances to her when there is a knock at the door. It’s Hanguang-jun at the door looking pained and awkward.

They salute each other. “Young master Lan hopes that he doesn’t intrude the privacy of Young Lady Jiang.”

She beckons him to enter in response. He walks inside slowly, regal and elegant but stiff.

“Not at all Hanguang-jun, The letter was appreciated.”

Lan Wangji relaxes at that.

There is a pause, Jiang Yanli guesses he’s wondering what to say.

“Lan Wangji was in seclusion and therefore was not able to play Inquiry all this time. He apologizes”

It confirms what she knew all along, there was no answer.

“It was very kind for Hanguang-jun to try.”

“I wanted to.” It comes out so earnest, Jiang Yanli melts. Lan Wangji’s ears are pinker.

“Will Hanguang-jun want to learn to make A-Ying’s favourite food?”

It’s an indulgence, Lan Wangji would not want to waste his time on such frivolity. She remembers the food of CLoud Recesses and how plain it was. A-Ying’s favourite would not suit Lan Wangji’s palate. It’s more for her sake, making this for his brother’s Lan Zhan would mean more. She goes to apologize when Lan Wangji says softly, “I would like that very much.”

And so they make their way to the kitchen. She makes everyone leave, their mouth agape.

Lan Wanji is silent beside her as she talks him through the recipe. It’s simple soup with lotus and meat. Hanguang-jun is a fast learner and he listens to her attentively, humming his assent occasionally. 

The process is therapeutic. Chopping and stirring and tasting. She can do this in her sleep. The rhythmic movements ease her. The fact that Hanguang-jun’s brows wrinkle like he is trying to memorize every flick of Jiang Yanli’s wrist.

She talks. It’s not entirely appropriate but it’s for Wei Ying so both don’t mind. She tells him about their childhood, stories of Wei Wuxian getting in trouble. She talks about when he first came to Lotus Pier, so tiny. How he ran away at night and she carried him on her back after he fell from a tree. Talked about how he used to lie on boats for hours at a stretch on the rivers of Yunmeng. How he was loved by every single vendor there. Lan Wangji takes in every detail hungrily. Her heart aches for him. There was always something between them that the world never understood, never bothered to understand. He can’t mourn openly. So she talks and hopes her memories would be able to fill the cracks.

“He was born with a smiling face, you know.”

“I know,” he gives the smallest smile.

The soup is ready and she pours them in two bowls. They sit and eat in silence. Lan Wangji’s eyes water and she doesn’t know if it’s from the spice alone.

He leaves without a word after the meal. Jiang Yanli has never felt this content in three years.

*

Sixteen years later a message talisman stirs her from her sleep.

He’s back.

Wei Ying’s Lan Zhan

She comes alive again.

[13parkfilter]

a wangxian playlist no one asked for

These are track notes for a wangxian playlist no one asked for, because CQL / mdzs fandom ate my life and I somehow needed to make a super dramatic 28 song playlist that follows wangxian’s love in (extremely loose) chronological order, from their first meeting as cute battle teens all the way through the depths of angst and eventually to becoming cultivation partners and (I’m positive) really great co-parenting dads. 

Because I’m like that ™ , you can find notes for each and every song below. Any weird song choices are entirely my fault. Spoiler alert: Frank Ocean.

This is a real long playlist and you could definitely break it into shorter stretches by mood. For the happiest and most in love vibes, hit the first 6 songs and the last 6 songs. Dramatic Burial Mounds vibes are from 7 to 13. It may be very satisfying to go from the depths of sadness and grief (~16) through to the end. 

1.  Don’t Know What to Do | BLACKPINK

Inspired, of course, by WYB and XZ’s demonstrated love of Blackpink in the CQL BTS videos. For a little while Stay was on this list instead, but I kept coming back to this song because to me it gets at that excited “everything is new and I’m young and so in love” feeling. Two people could certainly have a playful duel under the moonlight to this song, if they wished.

2.  A Loving Feeling | Mitski

Something about Mitski’s melancholy, slightly maudlin and self-deprecating vibe in this song is just peak “I wasn’t flirting… unless…?”

3.  Self Control | Frank Ocean

Somehow this playlist ended up structured around two overlapping arcs carried by Frank Ocean and Lykke Li, respectively, which makes no sense in theory but maybe kind of works? Idk, let me know if it works. If it does, maybe it’s because so many Frank Ocean songs are incredibly raw love songs about loss and the work that memory does to keep your love alive, and so many Lykke Li songs are about trying to slog through all the pain and bullshit without losing sight of that kernel of untarnished brightness, whatever it was that made you want to love in the first place.

I love this song for many reasons, but in no small part for the sorry-not-sorry vibe of apologizing for making someone lose their self control.

4.  Look After Me | Cub Sport

This song is real honest and tender about people taking care of each other and it messes me up. 

“There's something in the way you look at me

Like I've never done wrong

There's something in the way you look at me

When I was wrong all along.”

5.  We Could Run | Beth Ditto

Ok, imagine this playing in the background during LWJ and WWX’s first meeting with Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan. A good song to play as you run into the sunset holding hands with your cultivation partner, is what I’m saying. 

6.  Unconditional Love | 椎名林檎 (Shiina Ringo)

This is just a super sweet and painfully dramatic love song, the kind of song that plays for a man who makes grand unsung gestures like composing magical love songs and secretly adopting your child after you’ve died. This is before the latter part of that, though.

7.  Bad Religion | Frank Ocean

This is the first turning point on the list, the fading of youthful optimism and the start of choices that there’s no going back from. This is when you start to realize that you really can’t please everyone, and you can’t do what you believe is right without someone hating you for it. It’s also the point at which your neuroses and blind spots start to go from being quirky and cute to a cage of your own making. You have to deal with the bad shit you inherited from your parents eventually. If you don’t you’ll either make the same mistakes they did or make different mistakes because you’re fighting so hard to keep your head above water. 

I really like the part when Frank Ocean asks his taxi driver to outrun the demons. Feels like something a modern AU WWX might say. 

8.  Silent My Song | Lykke Li

I didn’t want to go full angst here because this playlist is about *cue Westley bellowing in the Princess Bride* TRUE LOVE and so I didn’t go as hard as I could here, but this is the start of the golden core +  first Burial Mounds arc. 

9.  Figure 8 | FKA twigs

I can hear the resentful energy swirling in this one. This is probably the most abstract choice on the list but to me something in it evokes the curdled rage and seething of an unquiet spirit. 

10.  Fantasmas | Ambar Lucid

This is a song about living with ghosts: of a failed relationship, and the mistakes that it took to get there. 

11.  Green Grass | Cibelle

I love this song because it’s a little sweet and a little scary at the same time. It’s gentle and haunting and the lyrics are as unforgettable as poetry. 

Is this a love song that a corpse is singing to someone visiting their grave? I like to think so. 

12.  I Bet on Losing Dogs | Mitski

In spite of the dog reference (lol) this whole song is a super WWX trying to live with the Wens in the Burial Mounds mood in my opinion. It has turnip energy. Trampled yet undefeated lotus energy, if you will.

13.  Godspeed | Frank Ocean

This song is the essence of heartbreak and knowing that you have to finally let go of someone. Am I imagining LWJ and WWX singing this back and forth to each other at the Burial Mounds, depending on which line it is? Am I crying about it a little? Maybe.

“I let go of my claim on you.”

“There will be mountains you can’t move.”

14.  I Know Places | Lykke Li

This is the “Come back to Gusu with me” song, even though it’s coming later in the timeline than it should. (I sort of compressed all the Burial Mounds-set songs together for a better flow). Anyway I feel like this captures all of those unspoken desires, that frustrated feeling of caring about and believing in someone so much without being able to protect them from all the people and powers that want to hurt them. But you have to try.

15.  Deeper Than Love | Antony and the Johnsons

This song is almost. Too dramatic. This is meant to be at Nightless City / WWX’s fall. I originally had 2 completely different songs here but I ended up liking the arc of this song and where it ends up. The two songs I originally had here were a much more bitter feeling, but I like that this song is tragic and painful and is still a kind of love song at the same time. I really wanted this playlist to be all love songs, some very different from each other, some more about pain and loss and regret than the good parts of love, but still love songs.

“And I have tried to shine in the darkness

Entertaining vanities in vain…

Hold on

And hold on

And let go

Let go

And fall deeper

Even than love.”

16.  Days of Candy | Beach House

To me this song is very evocative of the mingled feelings of grief in the immediate aftermath of a loss. Grief is never a pure, singular feeling, but a sticky amalgam of missing and wanting and sweet memories and a deep pit of pain. The sort of slow, half-asleep sadness full of watery light that this song evokes really takes me there, to the place where the grief is real but the loss is still almost unreal, where the feeling of that person still hasn’t left, your senses are still full of them, you just heard their voice yesterday, they might come into the room at any moment. It’s the almost— joyful?? part of grief that you don’t realize has any joy in it yet because you haven’t yet started to forget. You can’t imagine being able to forget, and you have no idea how much worse it will be when you can’t immediately evoke their presence anymore to comfort yourself. When you can’t pretend anymore that you’ll be able to see them again.

17.  Last Song | Gackt

Idk why exactly but Gackt is very yearning LWJ vibes in this song. Is it the earnestness? The intensity? The incredibly romantic lyrics? The deep, smooth voice?.. All of the above?

Anyway, if the previous song was nonverbal grief, this song is the start of the solidifying of grief, moving past rage and disbelief and self-destructive denial and gradually into a crystallization, a narrative of what the loss meant. Instead of a great crushing thing that blots out the sky and swallows your entire life, the grief becomes just another part of you— a defining part, maybe, but still part of a greater whole. And you move on. Or you try to. 

18.  Sleeping Alone | Lykke Li

This is 13 years of going where the chaos is, searching and playing Inquiry and never giving up, resigned to sleeping alone in strange places but still just never ever giving up. 

“Now was not our time, no, I let you down. 

Someday, somehow, somewhere down the line… we’ll meet again.”

19.  Busby Berkeley Dreams | The Magnetic Fields

Does every deep-voiced man singing a dramatic love song remind me of LWJ now? Maybe. At least I refrained from filling the entire playlist with Stephin Merritt songs. 

“I should have forgotten you long ago, but you’re in every song I know” is just… the most Wangxian sentiment. 

This is a bit of a modern AU LWJ, one who would definitely cry into his True Romance magazines. I do still think that this song very much captures how he must have felt hearing the song he wrote played on a terrible flute after 13 years, though. It definitely doesn’t have a flute solo in it, either.

20.  Ivy | Frank Ocean

This song is peak WWX in a mask, trying to hide from LWJ and his own emotions at the same time. But also, maybe, the start of some emotional awareness and genuine communication. Thanks to Frank Ocean for this entire playlist, practically.

21.  Fireworks | Mitski

Another song about memories and dealing with the past even when it comes back to stab you in the side. (s/o to Jin Ling, low key my favorite character, never afraid to cry in any situation) 

“I will be married to silence

The gentleman won't say a word

But you know, oh you know in the quiet he holds

Runs a river that'll never find home.”

22.  Hell | Waxahatchee

This is a song about apologizing to someone for putting them through hell. To me it’s a very adults-in-love song, and there’s a sort of gentleness to acknowledging the pain and mistakes of the past while still having hope that maybe love is really worth it after all— especially if you’re “one of those who canonize a love so true it never dies.”

23.  A letter to my younger self | Ambar Lucid

I have to admit that the title of this song makes me think of yiqie’s truly excellent time travel fic that is very heartbreaking and very beautiful. I don’t want to spoil it if you haven’t read it (go read it), but it’s safe to tell you that it grapples with and transcends all the reasons I usually avoid time travel fics, like the idea of helplessness in the face of fate, and how much control we really have over our own decisions, and what it means to let people make their own mistakes. 

24.  Let’s Pretend We’re Bunny Rabbits | The Magnetic Fields

This one really speaks for itself. 

Besides, “Let’s pretend we’re bunny rabbits until we pass away” is just a cuter way of saying “Everyday,” right?

25.  ”愛してる”からはじめよう  (“Let’s start from ‘I love you’”) | Miyavi

I personally feel that Miyavi has big sunshine WWX energy. This is just. A very cute and soft love song. Feels like napping in some tall grass in the summertime. Waking up next to your lifelong crush and remembering how lucky you are. Wandering from town to town with your true love and your donkey. That type of energy.

26.  Angels | The xx

The last three songs on this list never fail to give me Big Dramatic Feelings. 

I think what this song captures well is the feeling of just drifting along, lost in your thoughts, showing up somewhere— and suddenly seeing the person you know to be the love of your life at an unexpected time or place, and being struck all over again with… all of it. Your heart stutters, everything slows down, and for a second you forget to breathe. Like: Oh yeah. Oh shit. I remember why I love you. I remember how it felt when I was first falling in love with you. And I never want it to stop. 

“And with words unspoken, a silent devotion. I know you know what I mean.”

27.  Love Me Like I’m Not Made of Stone | Lykke Li

I think of this as the quintessential WWX love song, from the title to the sentiment of the lyrics to the moody burning joy of the sound of it. It’s demanding and soft and confident and raw all at once. 

Props to Lykke Li for the redemption arc of this playlist.

28.  Good to Love | FKA twigs

MAKE MY BODY COME ALIVE. This is the song that really says the most to me about the pain and beauty and the vulnerability and intimacy of being in love. What I love about all of FKA twigs’ music is how beautifully she merges and intertwines the messy physical and spiritual aspects of love. Her music is a sexy secular prayer to Eros imo and I’m here for it.