#When in reality shits All Gradients Man

[bijoumikhawal]

honestly my hot take is you can end up being culturally Christian if your family is irreligious enough even if all of you belong to a completely different religion, and even if you aren't irreligious being a minority within a majority means the majority culture and customs impacts you, whether you adopt those customs or run from them

[amalgamgooze]

making a text-based adventure game is hard

I've realized that maybe the RPG that I was working on was a little ambitious for what resources I had.

For such limited time (and patience), I've realized that maybe I'll need to postpone any work on a game of such caliber for a bit...

Fortunately, I've found myself enjoying a new genre of games as of late--visual novels and other narrative-heavy games.

"Oh god," you yelp. "My *absolutely-favoritest* blogger has fallen to the clutches of lust!"

Not to worry, my friends. I'm not playing *that* type of visual novel.

I'm talking about Disco Elysium and Kyle is Famous and Night in the Woods.

And I'm also really digging the aesthetic of the Windows PowerShell window I have to use to install Python packages.

"I've got big things planned for this game,"

the foolish never-would-be game dev announced.

"This game will change the industry--it'll change the way the common man sees video games,"

the developer self-awarely pretentiously claimed. They might be a little crazy, but they still knew that changes as big as those wouldn't happen as a result of their little game.

But then I come back down to reality.

Changes as big as those don't *have* to happen as a result of my game.

In fact, I could make this game just for myself.

Nobody else would ever have to play it.

...

But then I'd miss out on all the fun of sharing my works with the world.

I'd miss out on the "what were you thinking here" shared laughs moments,

I'd miss out on the "only someone on drugs would write something like this" compliments,

I'd miss out on all of it.

...

And also making a game of this sort of nature kind of implies I'll be able to get my mom to play *a* video game.

...

Did you know that making a text-based visual novel adventure game is somewhat difficult?

Even if you know how to do classes and object-oriented programming and such?

I've spent a good part of today literally just drawing diagrams of how inheritance of locations is going to work in this game.

Dude. You have to start down at the *text* level and work your way up.

It's... interesting, to say the least.

And I'm sure my methods aren't exactly the best. Yet.

I'm fully prepared to have to scrap it all in favor of a more efficient, cleaner organization method.

...

Prepare for total .JSONification. All things must be JSON.

Everything you love. Everything you hold dear.

I.

Will.

Make.

It.

JSON.

...

Anyway, yeah. I'm going to probably be spending 10 hours a day on average coding for the rest of my life, with my jobs and my hobbies and my projects and my everything.

Fuck, I've accidentally made an interesting image filter for my internship while trying to detect edges using a custom-made gradient algorithm.

That means only one thing--I have the capability to program my own shit for Aseprite and Krita.

...

And it'll all make my art so much easier.

...

And what about music?

What if I make an algorithm that helps me continue the song when I'm stuck and don't know what to add next?

Based on what I've learned in Music Theory?

...

It's daunting that the possibilities are now endless, I suppose.

But at the core of it all?

Where everything began?

...

It was some radical dream in which I so vehemently desired to make a game.

To get my story out there in turn-based RPG form.

A dream that formed well over 7 years now.

And will continue to grow and form.

...

Some radical dream that persuaded this what-would-otherwise-be-just-another-sterile-passionless-STEM-major into taking weird classes like Art and Music Theory and Modern Drama in an immensely passionate pursuit of realizing their insane dream.

You know.

Instead of just focusing on what's important.

...

I could probably be saving *more* lives with more dedication to, oh, I don't know--cancer research? Biotech?

...anything productive?

But instead here I sit, wasting my potential by making stupid games.

...

I don't think my games are *stupid*, per se.

However, when you compare the societal impact of a video game to something like cancer research, well...

I'm just ashamed!

My priorities aren't in the right places, it seems--!

...

But don't try to console me.

I've already convinced myself that even though games might not better society in the same way medical research does, and even though I'm a terrible person for wanting to waste my potential, it's still what I want to do.

Hah.

And so they look in the mirror, at peace with the fact they're a terrible person in the eyes of some.

But in the eyes of others, and even sometimes the same people, they're triumphant.

They're doing shit they physically should not be able to.

They continue to defy expectations.

The logic of the world has gone to shit, and the reflection in the mirror somehow proves this point.

I should not exist in the capacity that I do.

And...

...

I believe I've made my argument that a narrative-based game from me would be, at the very least, interesting.

...

And I totally didn't just have an unprofessional breakdown-rant in typed format.

...

def generateNewBreakdown(self, _subject:str=None) -> str:

...

On an unrelated note, I'm really starting to become attracted to the way Python code looks.

It's not a sexual attraction to the way the code looks.

Yet.

[notmuchtoconceal]

bro, stop. people don't study ideas as interrelated concepts with applicability to lived experience which come to collectively compose templates for etching out your own map of reality, the more you come to see in the intersections and overlaps -- the tantalizing ways contradictions arise solely out of misframings, composing egoic traps -- finer gradients leading you to truths more exquisite and refined.

nah, man.

ideas are largely shibboleths one many internalize and perform with the most fiery piety to cement their place in the in-group. ideas are simply a means for men to escape, not even into thought -- as thought engages with ambiguity, and ideas are tangible suppositions supposed as a consequence of thought, and anyone following a train of thought is not a leader, but a noun the truth of which you can conjugate in your head ... thought being the forging of one's own path, while engaging with an idea remains simply taking a pleasant hike through the well-trodden pathways of another man's country, which once you have accepted by following the trail well, it will be stamped in the mind like on the back of the hand, you having listened so well -- but rather (you understanding now, having been such a good follower who hit the button) directly into action, bypassing thought to launch into the sheer fervor of belonging and acceptance.

when you understand how few people possesses self-concept and so allow their self to be possessed by concepts, you can come to see how many people will simply see themselves as a collection of identifications, things to repeat aloud and hypnotically to potential other members of their various in-groups. you understanding well, in america there being no culture but the work culture, of which the political and meme culture are secondary causes (you all being labor drones for reptiles, regardless of how little you make or don't) you can see the tragedy of mass suppression of consciousness where independent conclusions are not allowed to be drawn, simply for there is no time, no resource, and anyway what's the point? it's all affectation, beauty being class signifiers which arise from wealth. why make yourself a target? always short of hand, you will be reduced to shorthand. the people around you will parrot what can only inevitably be their failings, and you will accept them as the norm. everyone wants to see exceptional people, but only on television or behind a podium, never seated next to them in a park or cafeteria.

wouldn't it be fun to torture them simply by being alive and being yourself? wouldn't it be fun to shine bright next to them simply so their dim eyes ache, so well-adjusted to living in darkness? wouldn't it be nice to see the bacteria scrubbed clean with a flash of those pearly whites, camera flashes ringing brighter than the summer sun? how most certainty excellent would it be to let them know you know they're cowards and liars and there's not a thing they can do because you can outplay them while you speak the truth, they being cellular processes layered down low, no different from bacteriophages always eating shit.

it's okay that people choose to be worse than you. if you being alive irritates dead things, well who's going to dig their holes for them? they want to be given a proper burial deep down. all this rotting in the open air and being picked at by vultures? it's nice for a cozy day on a tibetan mountainside, but this is a costco parking lot.

[convexers]

[Profile Picture ID: A shoulders-up drawing of Hypnotizd. He’s a pale man with tired, yellow eyes and a smug grin with fangs. He has a septum, lip, and eyebrow piercing. He is wearing a plain black turtleneck along with a light grey trench-coat that has the collar popped. He wears a gold necklace and has several gold earrings. His hair is a dirty blonde mullet, and he wears a dark grey bandana on his head. The background is rust-orange with yellow spiral patterns. /end ID]

add my ID to the original post! please.

i interact & follow from @seaside-glass i mod for @mcytimagedescribed, @mcyt-transcribed, @xbcrafted​, @is-the-tangotek-video-cute, @is-the-xbcrafted-video-cute

previously @firstry

this is my pronoun page! [link]

original post tag -> #convexers.txt writing tag -> #convexers.fic liveblogging -> #convexers.liveblog reblog tag -> #rb

i have a bunch of other fandom & character tags! and talk tags and blah blah blah. send an ask if you’d like a full list of all my tags.

i post hermitshipping/trafficshipping content!! no i do not ship the CCs (and yes i do believe there is a difference between the characters and CCs. cubfan135 is not a capitalist mastermind IRL). but i do tag all shipping content as -> #[fandom]shipping if you’d like to block that kinda content. shoving shipping content into people’s face when they don’t wanna see isn’t cool!

send an ask if you need anything tagged!

i don’t have a DNI for this blog anymore. if i don’t like you i’ll just block ya. underneath the cut is a BYF with some important info if you really wanna know.

art creds go to weese my friend weese @zedaphofficial​!!

before you follow    - i support the land back movement, BLM, disabled rights, queer rights (including good faith identities), abortion rights, and being a person who works to improve themself! (this is not an extensive list)    - i believe that fiction affects reality, there are no qualifications to be queer, and you don’t have to fully understand someone to respect them.    - i don’t give a shit about dream anymore, i just don’t wanna hear any opinions on him. if that bothers you, that block button is free baby!

posts for a rainy day!    - scar and jellie (undescribed) [link]    - this wonderful drawing my friend moth did [link]    - a post that sums up the transcord a bit too well [link]    - TMA post from my dear siblings, solar arc :) [link]

[ID: A trans flag blinkie that says “carter transcord” in black text. /end ID]

[ID: A green and yellow blinkie that says, “Hello my fellow miners and crafters” in yellow text. Both “miners” and “crafters” are in all caps and each letter briefly turns white, cycling through the entire phrase. /end ID] credit [link]

[ID: Minecraft chats from iJevin that say, “hey :_ [emoticon with a sideways mouth]” and “ahh my mouth” /end ID]

[ID: A minecraft chat message from Xisuma that says, “fuckaduck.” /end ID]

[ID: A sketch of Hypnotizd and xBCrafted kissing. Hypno has long hair and feathers and xB has fins instead of ears and short hair. The image has a white border and the words "HermitTWT DNI" over it in capslock. There's an overlay over it that's a gradient from yellow to blue with  yellow on the left and blue on the right, matching Hypno and xB's positions. /end ID] (slash serious or whatever. i don’t want you here!)

[siljascribbles]

A doodle that turned into something a lot more detailed than what I originally anticipated. I figured it was still sketchy enough to post here 8>

The famous trash rat on the right still belongs to @routaluonnokset​

Underneath is a little thingy I wrote of this picture. Not too happy with it, but exploring these two in written form is always nice!

Yehochanan stepped outside on Lucian’s balcony, the long haired brunette following closely behind him as he left the door halfway open. Lucian’s apartment was pretty warm during this time of the year so might as well ventilate a bit. Yehochanan stopped right before the railing of the balcony and after looking through his pockets, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He took two cigarettes from the pack and offered one to Lucian.

”You want one?” he asked, already lighting his.

”Oh, sure, thank you…” Lucian nodded, took the cigarette from Yehochanan and looked at it. He had been craving for a smoke all day… Maybe one of these days he’d be able to quit his bad habit but, for now, reducing it was the best he could manage. Yehochanan leaned closer and light up the cigarette in Lucian’s hand, then took a long drag from his and blew out a small smoke cloud that soon faded into the warm summer air. Lucian followed his example and soon felt a calming wave rush through his body, making all the muscles in his body loosen up and relax. That feeling alone was one of the addicting aspects that kept Lucian clinging on to his smoking habit even if he knew how bad it was for him and how it made him feel worse in the long run. The human mind sure was a strange and stubborn thing…

The two men stood in silence for a while and watched over the beautiful city view that opened before them. The sky had turned from a beautiful pink to a deep, inky black color as however many hours had passed – Lucian didn’t know anymore, he had completely forgotten his sense of time many, many hours ago. All the light coming from the streetlights beneath them and the buildings in the distance created a warm, golden and orange glow that blended into the black sky, creating a beautiful gradient. As the duo were multiple stories off the ground, the only noise that accompanied them was a cooling breeze that came and went as it pleased. For some people, the silence was uncomfortable, awkward, and spoke of a lack of connection between people, but for Lucian and Yehochanan, it was quite the opposite. For them, it was a much needed break from their otherwise chaotic and unstable life. And besides, sometimes all they needed was someone’s company, even if the silent kind. And they were fine with that.

”Hey…” Lucian suddenly broke the silence between the two men as he sighed and looked up at Yehochanan who, in turn, replied with an asking look on his face. ”Thank you for coming. I… I think I really needed this.”

”Don’t mention it”, the redhead replied and blew out another smoke cloud. ”I’m glad if my company suffices to ya. And y’know, I happened to be in the area so I thought to come and stop by.”

”How very considerate of you”, Lucian teased with a smirk.

”Well, you know me, the world’s most considerate man”, Yehochanan sighed dramatically and soon the two men chuckled quietly. Silence fell between them as Lucian turned his gaze back to the busy streets below them where he spotted a couple walking together. He hummed silently. Sure, he was only joking around, but it was actually nice that Yehochanan had thought about him and even bothered to come and see him. Lucian enjoyed his company and it was a nice thing to have every now and then, even if Lucian had a hard time admitting that to himself.

Lucian glanced at the redhead from the corner of his eye. He felt like… He could be himself, nothing more or nothing less, in Yehochanan’s company. Both knew exactly what kind of work they were doing, how it almost split them into two different personalities, and they had agreed not to talk about those sides of them. Instead, they had focused on what kind of people they were outside of their work. What they were interested in, what did they like to do in their free time… Lucian liked that. For once in his life, he like he could be just a normal human being instead of a horrible monster, who had taken the lives of so many people he had lost count, when he was with Yehochanan. Moreover, Lucian liked his attitude towards life. He had a tendency to live in the present and, while usually having a lot of going on at all times, he also knew how to take it easy without too much worrying. He had his spontaneous side to him as well, as he sometimes helped Lucian get out of his apartment and explore the city around them. Lucian also liked his sense of humor. It was dry and sarcastic yet surprisinlgy witty. Overall, Yehochanan was a man with a very rough and coarse exterior… Yet, somewhere deep inside of him, Lucian could feel the soul of a good, loyal man. Perhaps that was why he felt so safe and good around him…

”...Is there something on my face? And don’t say my scar - I know. That joke has been beaten to death.”

...Huh?

A familiar voice dragged Lucian back into reality as he quickly shook his head. Shit, he was staring again, wasn’t he?

”Ah, no, no, not all! Sorry, I just… Must’ve spaced out. It happens often”, Lucian sighed and quickly looked away.

”Got a lot on your mind?” Yehochanan asked, raising and eyebrow at him.

”When don’t I…” Lucian groaned and took one long drag from his cigarette before he smothered it in the ashtray. ”Sometimes I wish I could stop thinking altogether. Maybe then I’d actually get some sleep.”

”Yeah… I have my ways for silencing thoughts, but you wouldn’t like those.”

”Is that so? Do I even want to know?”

”Nope.” Now Lucian was really curious, but sometimes ignorance was bliss… That, and he had learned not to ask too much the hard way.

”Well, nobody’s perfect as they say…” Lucian huffed and then turned to face the redhead. ”But even so, I…” Lucian shut his mouth before he could even finish his sentence. He wanted to say so many things to Yehochanan, but the words couldn’t come out – or perhaps they didn’t even want to. He felt an ache in his chest… An ache that wasn’t quite what he usually felt when he was having one of his sudden ”attacks”… It was an ache he hadn’t felt in many, many years and the kind that he thought he would never experience again. Lucian relaxed his fist that he had clenched without even noticing and sighed. ”…I still think you’re a good guy, despite what everyone else might say. Like I said, you even bothered to come here.”

”Didn’t I tell ya not to worry about it? It wasn’t that big of deal, really”, Yehochanan snorted and finally put out his cigarette as well. ”...But thank you, I guess. You’re all right, too.”

”’All right’?” Lucian scoffed. Phew, he bought that. ”I think that’s the most genuine compliment I’ve ever got from you.”

”Oh, fuck off”, the redhead huffed and smirked. ”Anyway, shall we go inside?”

”Sure”, Lucian nodded. Yehochanan already stepped inside when Lucian still hesitated, his hand on the door handle. The ache in his chest was still there and it seemed like it wasn’t going anywhere soon.

He would have to talk about it with Yehochanan at some point. He wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret forever.

Lucian sighed and closed the door after him.

But not yet. Not that night.

[hellyeahomeland]

“Useful Idiot” | Directed by Nelson McCormick

The first stop on Yevgeny’s BMW-sponsored trip through the mid-Atlantic is the airport hanger. This scene gave Gail “Long Time Coming” vibes and it gave Sara “Super Powers” vibes. People on this show sure do fly private a lot!

It’s here where the Yevgeny/Carrie parallels start. Committed to the mission, willing to leave behind Simone (with whom just a few minutes ago he was daydreaming about a month-long sex-filled getaway) but not willing to leave behind “his guy.” There are many echoes not only of late-season four Carrie, unwilling to leave Islamabad before she can find Quinn, but also of all seasons Carrie. Yevgeny is the most evenly-matched adversary Carrie has ever known (although, ironically, she’s never actually met him), created in her own image of “mission over man.” And this episode gives a laundry list of reasons why.  At the end of the scene, he says, “I can’t!”--a familiar refrain to all of us who have followed Carrie’s journey.

Sara had a slight panic attack when she saw this moment. One of the most disturbing moments of “A False Glimmer” (and there are many) was Carrie digging her fingernails into her palm in the hospital chapel. Here she is, doing it again, underlining the similarities between the situation she found herself in at the end of season five with Quinn, and the one she stands in now with Dante.

Dante’s BMW Journey continues. Look at how focused he is. He is all about the 10 and 2, ain’t he? Real talk, you can really tell a lot about a person by the way he drives.

While Carrie and Yevgeny are evenly matched and remarkably similar, their approaches to dealing with Dante couldn’t be more different. Let’s start with body language. Carrie stands over Dante, looking down at him, just after he’s woken up. She is incredulous and forceful and passionate. She practically wills him into flipping.

Oishk. First, Carrie, please find a hobby that is not this. You just sociopathically lied to the dude you POISONED and now you’re smiling in your car about it??? Girl, please. Also, the music that played over this was stripped-down, season one-era Homeland theme. You know the one. This is like the old school Carrie smile so I guess it fits.

(Sara would also like to point out that she was right on Sunday about Carrie smiling meaning that everything was about to go to shit.)

(Sara would additionally like to point out that, removed from context, Carrie certainly does look like a little button here, doesn’t she?)

This goob is also smiling like it’s 75 degrees outside for the first time in six months. Saul and Carrie, please find NEW HOBBIES. Preferably separate ones.

We will hand it to Saul. We didn’t think he’d be able to create a Power Point presentation on such short notice and with such neatly organized graphics. He even did a gradient background! We call BS on Wellington not being labeled a “UI,” but everything else looks pretty nice. (Wasn’t O’Keefe a UI, too?)

So many facial expressions this episode! Here is Max looking from Carrie (on his left) to Sandy (on his right), who are sparring about whether to use the burn code. Some men just know when to keep their mouths shut.

The set decoration of Paley’s office is really something. We spy:

Not one but two American flags

Possibly a Dilbert cartoon on the bottom right corner of his bookshelf?

A Washington monument replica

A bust of someone

A set of bullhorns

A cowboy hat

The decoration here is verging on caricature, but we also don’t doubt that Paley wants everyone who walks into his office to know he is a ~maverick.

Ok, so we skipped forward from Yevgeny’s BMW road trip (we don’t have much to say except homeboy should invest in a Bluetooth). We want to note how similarly he’s dressed to Carrie here, again really underlining the parallels the show is drawing between them. He’s got the black coat, leather jacket, dark pants, and boots. This is the Official Carrie Mathison Uniform. He’s also got the “surreptitiously looking around corners” look down pat so we’d say he’s well on his way.

We touched on this a bit on the podcast, but the scene as Carrie is leaving Maggie and Bill’s house is filmed with a handheld camera (after being steady when she arrives home). The ensuing shakiness here amplifies the instability of the situation and seems to precipitate Carrie’s loss of a grip on reality.

While we’re at it, we’ve also been thinking about the stained glass in Maggie’s entryway. Gail is convinced it’s intentional, a kind of marker of the sanctity of that household and just how much Carrie has disrupted order there.

Hop sighting!

Is this the moment Yevgeny decides to shoot Clayton? Look at the calculation going on there behind the scenes. The plot of this season has been successful in a lot of ways, but Costa Ronin deserves all kinds of credit for bringing Yevgeny to life in such vivid, dynamic, unpredictable detail.

In an episode in which Carrie is shown later with blood on her hands, it should come as no surprise that her foil wipes blood on his own. The “hands dirty” motif has weaved itself throughout many seasons of the show. Back in season two, Dar accused Saul of not wanting to get his own hands messy; he’d rather have others do his bidding. Carrie, meanwhile, try as she might, can’t help but get her hands dirty. And here we have Yevgeny, practically volunteering for the task.

After once again sneaking into a locked ward in the hospital (sometimes our most powerful enemies are hidden in plain sight; Yevgeny--and Russia IRL--has proven that to be just the case this season), Yevgeny takes a seat in Dante’s room. His posture and demeanor here is identical to how he’s been several other times this season, whether it was with Ivan or Simone’s lawyer. He’s casual, (now clean) hands folded demurely in front of him, feet out in front. He wants you to know he’s got nothing to hide. Contrast this of course with the way Carrie approaches Dante earlier in the episode. She was hovering, loud, and lying. Yevgeny is calm, quiet, and completely honest.

Sara’s note here was “if we are talking Carrie/Yevgeny parallels, he does what we all thought Carrie might have done at the end of ‘A False Glimmer’ by smothering Quinn.” Gail’s response was “WHOA, mind blown.”

The last three minutes of the episode play like a nauseating horror movie. This shot of Franny ushers in that feeling. Seriously, this is creepy as hell. Actors looking directly into the camera make us deeply uncomfortable.

Can’t get much more literal than this. She runs the stop sign, of course, but its message is blaring nonetheless. It’s what the audience is feeling and what everyone around Carrie has been trying to tell her since the season started.

There were a few shots in this sequence of Carrie squinting her eyes at the blaring sun. We’re not sure if this is a reference to Quinn’s light, her “beacon,” but in an episode that evoked his memory in more ways than one (and the fact that we hear those words at the beginning of every episode), it’s hard to feel like it was completely coincidental.

The sound editing during the sequence of Carrie walking through the hospital is impossible to capture visually, but we just want to note it anyway. It was impeccable. We hear the din of the crowd at Brody’s hanging slowly build, then her cries as she climbs the fence. While the flashbacks move to Aayan, we can still hear those crowds. And then the hail of bullets come in. It was unsettling (to say the least), but technically remarkable. They really throw you into Carrie’s head here, and the cacophony of her own memories replaying in her head is such an integral part of that.

That sensory immersion is visual, too, though. Once Carrie’s flashbacks start, she walks through hard, vivid overhead light (contrast with the shot above, right before the flashbacks start). This is remarkably similar to the lighting we saw in “Marine One” when Brody was in the bunker. Then, it was meant to evoke the stress and instability of the situation, and it accomplishes a similar feat here.

….And, here’s the blood on the hands. Interestingly, our focus here is mostly on Carrie’s face, as she stares directly into the camera (again, gosh, that’s so unsettling). Contrasted to Yevgeny, whose bloody hands took up the entire frame, it’s almost easy to miss. Then again, maybe that’s the entire point.

The episode ends, of course, with another sequence that also belongs in a horror movie. The slow push onto Carrie, backed up against the wall. The shaky cam, rendering her face blurry and unfocused. And her screams, sharp and high-pitched and seared into your memory, eventually indistinguishable from the flatline of Dante’s pulse.

[romancevsreality-blog]

the bachelorette, season thirteen, episode eight: someone put me in charge of television programming

Hometowns, oh, hometowns.

How I wish you were better than you are.

We’re first in Baltimore for Eric’s date. All I know of Baltimore is that it’s a 45 minute train to DC from there, Deray, and John Waters. If you do not know John Waters, please exit this blog immediately and gain some perspective. Who ARE you? Rachel is in her best “Meeting The Parents” chic, a plaid button-down and jeans. I cannot wear jeans. I’m jealous of Rachel. We get to see some poverty porn - I’m from Detroit1, I can call it as I see it - and Eric takes Rachel to a basketball court. Rachel is astonishingly bad at basketball, and I can dribble once or twice before I give up.

Then Eric’s cousin Ralph shows up, and I immediately like Cousin Ralph for some reason. I love a dude who wears glasses and also slouches. Cousin Ralph reveals that this is the first time Eric’s brought a girl home since his prom, and talks about how proud he is of Eric. Eric describes himself as a “cool square”, which seems to be rather true. Cousin Ralph has nothing but nice things to say about his cousin, though, which I love2. Rachel and Eric have a seat and talk about the purposeful choices he had to make to not get into trouble in his life by learning from the mistakes of the people he loved. Errrrric, I get it. He talks about how his mother was strong almost to a fault, strong to where she couldn’t accept help from others, and how he did the same thing.

Uh. Yeah. I get that. I get that a lot. It took me a long time - and oftentimes, a lot of reassurance - to realize that the strongest people are the ones who know when to ask for help. I was so used to floating off into the sea by myself and struggling to stay afloat that I forgot to see if anyone would toss ya girl a life raft.

They head to Eric’s aunt’s house, and Rachel is suddenly nervous af because she’s the first girl he’s ever brought home. They all rise to their feet and go “heeeeeEEEEEEY” as soon as the two of them enter the room, and I’m dead. They’re squished all on what looks to be a chair and an L-shaped couch, and I feel like I’m at home. Auntie Renee is the first to take Rachel aside.

Y’all.

I love Auntie Renee.

Someone give Auntie Renee her own god damn talk show.

Auntie Renee reminds me of my two favorite aunts3 combined. Yas, Auntie Renee.

She immediately asks Rachel how it feels to be the #FirstBlackBachelorette, and Rachel goes deep about how she’s feeling all kinds of pressure from all sides. And this is why I’m happy I’m not the #FirstBlackBachelorette, tbh. It sounds awful other than the money and the clothes and… the love, I guess? But Rachel talks about how she’s being selfish for the first time in her life, and how it’s working out for her. Good for you, Rachel! They discuss whether or not Eric is ready to get married and fart out a lot of kids - Auntie Renee gives an enthusiastic yes - and Rachel’s relieved by that.

We see Eric chatting with his mother, and while their relationship definitely isn’t cuddly wuddly, she talks to her son with genuine advice and seriousness in a way only a mother can. She basically tells him she didn’t want him to grow up to be a fuckboy who relies on his mother or whatever female companion he has because doing that can prevent you from growth or being a better person. This literally is a discussion about emotional labor and the weight black women take on from black men who don’t demand it, but expect it, and will blame those black women for their own personal failures. Karen is pretty great. She’s cold, but great. They tell each other they love each other and it’s pretty nice, honestly. I feel Eric is being serious for once.

Rachel sits down with Eric’s mom and they talk about her feelings for him. She likes that he holds her accountable and vice versa. She likes that they’re playful. Meanwhile, Eric’s talking to his dad about how Rachel is defintely the one, despite the fact that they grew up differently, but… “[Rachel] is everything [Eric] wants out of a female.”

STOP USING THE WORD FEMALE OH MY GOD. FEMALE IS SAVED FOR FORMS ONLY.

They give toasts to Rachel, to love, to family, etc. etc. And then Eric walks Rachel out, they’re making small talk and - oh, Eric loves her.

He was thinking he loves her. He’s not sure, but he was thinking about it. Eric doesn’t QUITE say it, but he does. Kind of!

Ugh, we’re in Miami next. Miami, where douchebags move to thrive after their gestational period at the University of Arizona4, and smells like desperation, cocaine, and flat Dom Perignon. No, Miami. I am not a fan of you, and I am definitely not a fan of Bryan for being from you. He’s literally wearing an ombre polo that looks like one of those Microsoft Word gradients you loved in the third grade until your mom yelled at you for wasting all of the color ink because that shit was and IS expensive as hell. Bryan literally says "Bienvenidos a Miami" and I am brought back to 1997, when even then I knew it was a bad song.

I hate Bryan.

It’s raining, and they’re going into Domino Park to play dominoes. I will be genuinely shocked if there isn’t some product placement for Domino’s Pizza somewhere in here, and if there is not, I would like to speak to the producer who lapsed on this golden opportunity. You couldn’t even put in a Noid?!5 Bryan talks around Rachel in Spanish to old men, a feeling women really love when they don’t understand the language. Rachel describes Bryan as Miami through and through, and that’s not incorrect. They’re both gross and full of plastic surgery.

Those arepas they ate looked delicious, though. But their relationship lacks the substance those arepas probably have. Damn, I’m hungry.

Bryan is very close to his family, his mother in particular, which is worrisome for pretty much everyone. Including me. Bryan’s mother literally leaps into his arms when they first arrive, and seems on the verge of tears the entire time.

Y’all, I think Bryan’s mom might have been the inspiration for Charlie’s mom on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Rachel’s talking to Bryan’s mom, who basically tells her that as long as he’s happy, she’s happy, but if Rachel makes him unhappy, she’ll kill her. Oh, god. This is such a cliche and not even a good one at that. Rachel, RUN. RUN FAR FAR FAR AWAY. Like, dear god, lady. Your son is 37 years old. He probably owns property and has a passport and literally all the other things a 37-year-old man should have and here you are, sobbing because someone might take your son away. I don’t trust this woman as far as I can throw her, and I have weak arms. Rachel lets out that fake “are you kidding or not” laugh when Bryan’s mom threatens her. It’s an accurate response.

Bryan and Rachel leave his family, and you can just tell that the minute that door slammed his mother was throwing all kinds of shade around the house. Bryan does that weird possessive-full-face-grab kiss, and tells her he’s falling in love with her. Eh????? I hate that Bryan is probably going to win this show.

We’re back in Madison, Wisconsin, Peter’s hometown. I’ve never been to Madison or Wisconsin but what I’ve seen on it on two different franchises of this show… I’m not interested. I don’t like cheese or badgers6 but I do like Chris Farley and Bradley Whitford, so. You can still turn me, Wisconsin. Peter introduces Rachel to his Black Friends, because of course, and I’m glad they didn’t just shovel us off to his family. Not that I don’t want to meet his family, but it’s nice to see something else. His friends have good things to say about Rachel, but who doesn’t?

Peter brings a case of PBR over to his family’s house instead of flowers and I immediately love Peter’s family because of it. Peter’s good with kids, of course. Is there anything wrong with Peter? Oh, we know what it is - he’s hesitant and practical. He’s never been engaged before and only wants to do it once - so he’s unsure if in the end of this he’s gonna get down on one knee. I get that.

But dude: READ THE FUCKING ROOM.

You signed for a reality show where the expectation, unfortunately, is that if you make it to the end, you’re going to get down on one knee and ask someone to marry you. It’s part of the whole experience. You’re on the wrong show if you don’t think that’s what is expected of you. And unfortunately, you’ve impressed the girl so much that now you have to come to terms with that. Rachel’s afraid that she’ll leave with a boyfriend instead of a fiance, but GIRL. THERE AIN’T NOTHING WRONG WITH GOING BACK TO DATING AFTER THE SHOW IS OVER. Do the whole shebang for the cameras and then… date each other for a while. See how it goes. Feel no pressure to rush into marriage. But of course, Rachel can’t say that. That’s Fanty Sweet discussion. Peter doesn’t tell her he loves her, but you know what?

Peter’s good with kids. I’ve expressed in my blog several times over what that does for me, and apparently it works fo Rachel. Good girl.

Dean’s from Aspen, which looks gorgeous. Rachel is wearing a duster and managing to pull it off. Maybe Lisa Rinna is really onto something. Dean is wearing red jeans. God, Dean has grown on me. I’m so sad the producers and editors are about to savage his soul. Dean and Rachel ride ATVs and whoever put a camera on the dash clearly wants to give me vertigo. Apparently this hometown date is the first time Dean’s family will all be under the same roof in eight years, and then I thought about it, and… same. I get it, Dean.

And the last time the five of us were in the same room, it was tense and awkward - awkward to the point where I literally don’t think it will ever happen again. I would have hated to have it on TV. Oh my god.

Dean’s doing this so Rachel knows where he’s at his in life and in their relationship. I get why he’s doing this - the conventional idea of a family is appealing - but… maybe I’m just too far removed from my dad to understand why your significant other needs to meet them. I don’t think my boyfriend ever will meet my dad and I’m okay with that. I’m sure he’s okay with that. He’s met the people who are important to me in my life and who I consider my family, and that’s what matters most. Meeting my dad won’t shape my boyfriend’s image of me. I do a poor enough job of that as it is.

Dean’s dad has converted to Sikhism six years prior, and he hasn’t talked to his dad in two years. He makes the point that it’s not the child’s responsibilty to maintain a relationship, and I got up and applauded. I was laying flat in bed, and that’s how much effort I was willing to make for something no one would see. It’s never the child’s responsibility to make sure that a relationship is maintained. It’s 50/50, yes, but if the parent shows no interest, then keep stepping. Blood relation does not mean you have to maintain a relationship. My dad thought that because I share half of his DNA it meant we were automatically going to have a great relationship, the same relationship I have with my mother, with zero input on his end.

Isn’t it amazing how my mom did literally all the work - carried me in her uterus for nine months, LITERALLY EJECTED ME FROM HER BODY, took care of me, slept next to me when I was thirteen, suicidally depressed and terrified, and loved me unconditionally - while my dad has one orgasm and thinks that’s enough to deserve a lifetime of affection? The level of entitlement is unreal. I had to accept that not only does my father not like me as a person - he would never be content with the fact that I became that person in spite of him, not because of him. My dad is horrified by the fact that I’m a Strong Black Woman because that means he gets held accountable and called out for things no other black woman has dared to. I’m not afraid of him like he wants me to be. I think he talks a big game, but he’s not nearly as intimidating or powerful as he used to be. He used to command respect, now he just expects it without doing anything to deserve it7.

No, you do not have to have a relationship with your parents. Your parents are people, just like you. You don’t have to like everyone - not even your mom or your dad. I’m heavy on Team Dean on this one and I don’t like that Rachel seems to think that years of emotional damage can be fixed in one night on a television show. Or that Dean telling his dad he loves him would fix anything. My dad has told me he loved me before. It doesn’t mean he likes me. It doesn’t mean he has my best intentions at heart. Love doesn’t mean shit if it’s not followed by acting accordingly. I don’t think if my dad called me on the phone and said he loved me would have any positive effect. In fact, I’d honestly be like, “Are you dying? Do you have cancer? What do you want?”

The pair tentatively head over to Dean’s house, where the family is gathered seated on the floor. There is a Sikh ceremony with a gong that’s portrayed with a shocking amount of sensitivity considering the source, and Dean’s dad talks beautifully about the love Dean’s mother provided for the family before she passed away. Dean’s tension is palpable because he feels like his family is just pretending to be okay and like they’re a content family when they’re really not. Dean’s dad asks for some private time, and Dean is NOT EXCITED.

Dean’s sister and Rachel sit and have a conversation about how much Dean’s sister admires Dean becuase of his strength in spite of everythnig he’s been through. Meanwhile, Dean’s dad is trying to take credit for how good of a person Dean is, and Dean’s like, “nuh uh, motherfucker.” Dean’s dad basically tries all the tricks to absolve himself from blame - I don’t know what it’s like to be you so how can I understand your experiences, I was there for you monetarily8, etc, etc. Dean doesn’t let that fly, though, and asks his dad for the two of them to come together like adults and have a real conversation about how awful it was for the both of them.

My heart is breaking for him. Dean just wants him to acknowledge that his dad disappeared and wasn’t there for him when he needed him to be, and Dean felt abandoned because of it. His dad basically tells him, “Well, I didn’t know how, so I didn’t do it at all.” At one point, Dean even says "How the hell you find religion and come out more selfish?" I have a few members of my family who I would love to introduce Dean to if he doesn’t get that concept. Some people use religion for good, some(most?) people use religion to get away with bad behaviors.He refuses to acknowledge that he did anything wrong or that he didn’t take the correct approach.

All Dean wants is an apology, a recognition somehow that this man knows what he did was unacceptable.

Dean will never get that, and no camera crew or production team can make that happen. His dad fundamentally sees nothing wrong with his behavior and thus cannot acknowlege it. He even tries to push it back onto Dean. His dad seems to think Dean’s just going to move past it. It’s not something you just “move past.” Dean tells his dad he loves him, and his dad just says “whatever”9.

I wish Dean got the “Let’s Hang With My Black Friends” treatment Peter did.

Dean’s dad sits down with Rachel and he thanks her for the fact that he’s been forced to see how Dean felt. He hopes it’ll work out between the two of them. Dean’s still inside, laying on the ground, crying. Dean apologizes to Rachel and tells him he’s falling in love with her, and she says it back. Even though Rachel took the classic “My Parents Are Happily Married So I Have A Great Relationship With Communication and No Abandonment Issues” path, I still feel for her. I get it.

We’re in Dallas, where Rachel’s getting ready for the rose ceremony. Rachel loves a pewter metallic gown. Can we stop matching her eyeshadow to her gowns, please? Rachel sits down with Chris Harrison in what MUST be his first appearance since the opener, and they just discuss her Hometown dates. It’s literally a regurgiation of the last hour and a half that we just watched.

Bryan gets a rose.

So does Eric.

And Peter gets the final rose, and Dean went through all of that emotional anguish for nothing.

Fuuuuck you, production team. This is exploitation. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Dean gets the Can I Walk You Out exit, and he and Rachel sit down while you can tell Dean is pissed. He rightfully asks her why she said she was falling in love with him only to send him home, and she says she meant it. There’s a part of me that wonders if she only said it because… you know, crying on the floor. What she’s not saying is that he’s 26, she’s 32, and she’s ready to get married and fart out a few kids and he might not be quite there yet.

Dean, it’s not you, nor your shitty dad. It’s just not good timing. I still got mad love for you, though.

Next Week: Spain! Rachel’s ready to get engaged! Rachel’s introducing all the guys to her family, and her sister’s skeptical. Peter’s tentative. Bryan can’t handle the tension with her family.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

I’m so glad I’m not on this franchise because oh my god they would totally try to do what they did with Dean and his dad with me and my dad. NO FUCKING THANK YOU. TELEVISION IS NOT A MEDIUM FOR FORGIVENESS OR EVEN FOR THAT CONVERSATION TO BE HAD.

I apologize for the lateness of this blog, as per usual.

The recepient of the Last Hometown Date is usually the one to go home, right? Does anyone have these numbers?

Can we please start a Change.org petition to replace Chris Harrison with Aunt Verna?

I love whatever makeup artist that insists on matching Rachel’s eyeshadow to her outfit.

I love that Peter naturally has glassy eyes. He always looks stoned.

Since this blog is two weeks behind, I’m not covering MTA or the penultimate episode. See you in a few minutes for the finale! If Bryan wins I will kill myself!

Outside of it in the Mitt Romney suburbs, but STILL. ↩︎

Shout out to all my cousins, who probably aren’t reading this blog! ↩︎

I have enough aunts to have a favorite, so what? ↩︎

Is it still a thing to make fun of schools? Remember that brief period? ↩︎

I only know of Avoid the Noid from Michael Ian Black and Hal Sparks on I Love The 80s, a franchise that should play on television 24 hours day. VH1 should just be I Love The 80s/90s/The New Millenium, a revamped Surreal Life, Candidly Nicole/Barely Famous, and RuPaul’s Drag Race 24/7. VP OF PROGRAMMING, GET @ ME. ↩︎

I had to google “What is Wisconsin Famous For?” for this. ↩︎

Read: My dad has a white man’s entitlement. ↩︎

My dad used to pull the “I put you through college” card too and get mad when I only reached out to him to make sure my tuition was paid, and one time got angry with me because I didn’t tell him what book I was reading on my Kindle that he paid for. He actually said to me, “I paid for it, and you’re not telling me what you’re reading?” BITCH I WAS READING ROOM BY EMMA DONAGHUE, ARE YOU HAPPY? That was the last time I was in the same room as my father, and I responded by taking 3 Vicodin, crying for 3 hours on the flight home, and then throwing up in my driveway. I hope it’s the last time I ever see him. ↩︎

My father said to me, “You are no longer a priority”, and that was the day I realized who exactly he was. Dean realized in that moment exactly who his dad was. ↩︎