#When Julia is avoiding MK because she’s having feelings and she doesn’t know how to deal with them

[not-sierras-total-drama]

god, I love evil lesbians

[existentialwannabe]

I’m just going to write everything down here because I  can’t write it anywhere else, I  guess it’s not safe.

The world is at its peak worst right now. Whether it’s due to the fact that COVID-19 has brought the absolute worst out of the American government and the American people while the rise of dead black bodies increase, it’s a fucking MESS. I  can’t help but write about this because it just seems that even during a world pandemic there can not be any clarity of human interaction, human communication, and human existence that can just exist on a neutral plane. I  rewind my thoughts back to September of 2019 and think about how abhorrent it was to have to deal with Kiley post Kiley-gate. I will openly admit that the way I  handled the “break” of our relationship was not fair to her because I  did not openly communicate my need to not want to be her friend. I  always kept her at ease by saying “I  need more time” which was just a buffer for the words that I  was afraid to say which were “I  don’t want to be your friend”, “You scare me”, and “You’ve manipulated me to the point where I  don’t feel comfortable looking at you”. It was overwhelming and the heaviness in my chest felt like a 20 pound weight that I consistently carried from Sept. to Dec. of 2019.

 I was overtly zealous in thinking that things could feel “normal” or “better” when she left even especially since I  had personally grown and cleansed myself as much as I  could. But it didn’t get better. The other problems that were gasping for air underneath the depth of what Kiley did resurfaced in a dramatic and suffocating manner. The next demon that I  had to fight in the apartment was Soph. I  always denied the comment that Kiley always made that her and Soph were really more alike than people assumed. Sadly it pains me to give this to her, but she was right. Soph was a less “in your face” version of Kiley. Her actions, her words, and her lack of action showed its face as swiftly as a breeze. MK and I  have a tendency to see issues as something ignorable, which is not a very positive quality for us earth signs. MK ignored the fact that she had to pee in water bottles/cups at night to avoid Soph’s wrath because she knew it would be better for her mental health. I  ignore Soph’s coldness and backhanded compliments as a way to just never leave my room to avoid confrontation. Our ignorance manifested into a mechanism that would later be weaponized in a way that leaves me and MK feeling so extremely tired.

I’m jealous of MK because she was able to escape the apartment and live with her boyfriend in a way that saves her the trigger/emotional drain of 116 Winthrop Road. I’ve decided to quarantine with my mom in order to help her out because she’s in NJ all alone and having to be an essential worker in NYC during this very scary time. MK found Kelly, a subletter and one of my students, who would take her place. Albeit the transference system of Kelly coming into our apartment was NOT healthy because Kelly lied about her partner being with her for a while... things felt very out of control. I  don’t know if I  have the heart to tell Soph that I  primarily left because I  couldn’t deal with having to run into her into apartment, or wait forever to go to the bathroom, or receive passive aggressiveness for trying my best to maintain a certain space... I  really left because I  couldn’t deal with her. I’m still now afraid to go back because I  literally do not want to look at her in the face. I feel horrible for saying that because that’s unkind to say about another human, but it’s how I  feel. 

I  feel like these past two years of just living with a situation of humans that “seemed perfect” has entirely broken me. I  lived with Kiley who claimed to be my best friend but really just used me. Naturally, used most of her very close friends as ways to stabilize herself that no one really consented to. When I  think back to our “friendship”, I  just think about the one time she told me that “I    have the responsibility to fix her when she’s depressed because that’s what a good friend/good person is supposed to do”. I  think about the times that she’s barged into my room and forced me to speak with her at all hours of the night because she knew I  couldn’t lock the door. I  think about how her definition of a friendship was just meant to be a transactional method of taking all of the good energy from others in order to make her feel something. I  constantly grind all of those gears in my head and the worst part about it all is that I  am a master’s psychology student... I “should know how to get all of it out”, but I  really can’t. 

Kiley is someone that keeps living in my head rent free alongside my ex and all of the others in college who gaslit me into thinking I  am a bad person. This quarantine is emphasizing the fact that these unconscious thoughts that I  used to suppress everyday are burning so ferociously inside of me. Quarantine is reminding me that I  really need therapy and that I  really need to grow more into a person. At this point in my life, I  think I’ve done just a phenomenal job pretending that I  have everything together... but I don’t. I’m not a fully grown emotional person who has self integrity and tenacity to face the world and others.

This notion brings me back to Soph. I know that I’m not a full person because she reminds me that I’m giving losing all of my humanity to individuals who make me feel small. She has power over me in a way that she doesn’t deserve. I  see her as a person and I  have my observations. In my brain, I’ve broken her down to a tee. 

Soph is a strong product of her environment. Her parents, who she does not “overtly” like, are capitalists who have shaped her to think, breathe, and really only treasure herself... and her money... and the fact that her work entitles her to think less of others who don”t work as hard. Her parents have such harsh understandings of reality and are trump supporters, but still provide her with an unconditional love that she rejects. This is the most strange quality about her because her parents have given her everything from therapy to full financial support... and that still isn’t enough for her to thank them for flowers, driving hours to give her food, or for being alive. The complexity of this relationship affects her ability to handle others. 

Romantically, she’s really had one “serious” relationship with a boy that cheated on her freshman year of college. From there, she does not know how to handle “intimate” relationships so she subjects herself to just sleeping around and keeping any form of male relationship casual. It’s so interesting to me that she does this BUT lets the men have power over her because she recognizes that she wants more... but with the wrong type of men and for the wrong reasons. She becomes obsessive while also experiencing a deep form of denial that affects her mental capacity to function and emote properly. She even let the last guy that I knew of who she was sleeping with, physically abuse her, and she still slept with him afterwards even though she had a complete mental breakdown.. even though MK and I  had to convince her that, that was domestic abuse and she should escape a situation she still has the privilege to do so... but she still slept with him and doted on him like nothing was a problem.

She is a really bad roommate. She keeps her pans and pots in her room because only she can use them. She has very strong affinity from making sure that every financial transaction is “fair and equal”. Even though she charged MK a $1 once because MK asked for and consumed one of her ginger candies that Soph frequently ate. Soph does not do chores. She barely cleans her own dishes. She has never cleaned any form of the apartment whether it was Linden or Winthrop. She does not take out the trash, buy communal supplies, or remove her goddamn hair from the shower drain. She leaves the toilet paper rolls empty. She lets trash and recycling reach full overflow and have the audacity to say someone should take it out. She uses the bathroom for 2 hours at night to do her routine and pick at her skin which leaves others holding in their bladder or needing to find another way to release or else she gets aggressive. She dismisses you if you acknowledge her if her door’s open and you don’t want to seem unkind when you pass by her room. She makes every conversation about herself or revert back to herself. No one is allowed to have an issue with her or else she is the victim. “Her opinion doesn’t matter and she might as well be quiet” because every time she vocalizes an issue that literally involves her need to change, adapt, or release some of her power/privilege she gets disgustingly defensive. She, at this point, has asked me to lease my room because there's no point of me having a room in the apartment if I’m not there. 

There are so many levels and now that I’m out of the apartment, MK is out of the apartment, and Kiley’s replacement Julia is out of the apartment... it is Soph, Kelly (a stranger to her), and to my fucking surprise Karley (a sublet for Julia who was never mentioned to me) in the space. So rather than handling her issues with being surrounded by foreign personnel who she can’t manipulate or know will submit to her actions, she is now becoming passive aggressive which puts me in MOM mode because Kelly is someone that I’ve known for years and I’m protective. I  know Kelly has made mistakes about not letting anyone know about her boyfriend’s temporary stay, but the way Soph is trying to evacuate her out of the apartment is out of proportion. Soph claims that she doesn’t want to “house a freeloader” until September even though this person comes from a very bad circumstance. She had the audacity to text me that her father was in the same situation and wouldn’t do what she did which PISSED me oFF bro. It will always revolve back to how her or her family are better in circumstances and doing things in a more/different “moral/fair” circumstance. 

At 213.9 miles away, I  have to diffuse fights and have conversations about living situations. It’s ridiculous that if Soph is not accomodate to the highest degree above everyone else, than everyone has to suffer. No distance limit required. Today I  texted her and said that I’m financially good, can handle my shit and that she needs to stop worrying about it forreal. I  can pay for my shit and me not being in the apartment provides less conflict????? BUT I  have to sublease or come back?? No way. I  know she’s struggling with strangers in the house, working from home, the pandemic, and the apparent “debt” that she is going through but I  can not physically fathom how she can still be such a domineering person over an apartment that she does clean, take care of, or respect only because she’s currently the only person there right now with her name on the lease. It’s just unimaginable. As I’m typing this and rewinding the conversations I’m having with Kelly, having with MK, and having with Soph. I’m tired man. I want this pandemic to be over, or more or less have it be august so I  can be free of Soph.. I  really hope she recognizes that we probably won’t have a relationship post quarantine and post this lease because we didn’t even have a stable one when we lived less than 6 feet from each other. It’s sad that I’m going to basically have to “Kiley” her because this person has taken away years from my life and gained them in ways that are abusive. It’s truly unreal for me and on top of not sleeping from the uncertainty of the future and the huge spike of white supremacy with the lives of black people at stake, I  have to have her own my mind as well. I   know I  have the power to control it for me, but I  can’t stop thinking about how unfair she is definitely being from afar to others who really DON’T deserve it. Welp, there's my mess of a thought process.