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[existentialwannabe]

If it’s not COVID that will kill me,

It’ll be the incense that I keep burning without properly circulating my room.

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I’m choosing to make myself miserable, huh?

Trust issues suck. Feeling incompetent sucks.

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I  do not know why I keep thinking about this Aquarius boy who used to flirt with me and hold my hand in high school. He’s plaguing my mind!! He, being an Aquarius, probably does NOT think about me with his emotionally aloof ASS! It felt right in high school, but that’s just high school right? I’m now supposed to be an adult with separate feelings especially since he stayed in Jersey and I’m now in Mass. But the heart YEARNS. It FEELS. It does not care about my control issues! It does care about ANYTHING. They just WANT. No consequences. Just DESIRE!!!!!

[existentialwannabe]

A final nail on the coffin

08/19/20 

Today would be a regular day, but today is K*ley’s birthday. It’s her birthday a year since K*ley gate and it’s around the time that I’m physically and emotionally trying to move on. I  woke up this morning... aware. My Virgo sun interacts with my 7th? 8th? house so “committed partnerships” to summarize a detailed explanation. I  don’t think I  could forget your birthday easily because it’s still fresh. After just laying on my bed for hours, I  “kinda” became myself and sat at my desk. I pulled out the DSM-V. Page 663 is where Borderline Personality Disorder is found. I  read the entire section and became so angry because I started crying. I  cried because it was so obvious. I knew it and I did nothing. Both of us suffered substantially and yet here I  am writing about my pain while you’re somewhere excited to live an entirely new life where I  never existed and if I do... I’m bad. A buzzword for BPD is transient. Everything you feel is transient. The euphoria of it all overpowers the shame which transitions to subtle ignorance and recycles. Despite feeling empty, you have a new chance within minutes or hours to hit the high and plateau. I don’t think it’s optimal and I don’t want to romanticize your struggle. I  just can’t help but feel jealous that you can recycle me because I’m “bad” and just move forward. This metaphorical recycling bin doesn’t hold space for my healing or my experience. As I  lay in the bottom of it, I try so hard everyday to get out. It’s paralyzing sometimes. You get to live your life and I’m stuck removing every emotional thorn you stuck in my body. The worst part isn’t that I have to hand remove these thorns, it’s those who are watching me pitifully pluck them out one by one. My thorn removal is not only painful, but it’s being observed and damn it, why am I not moving fast enough? I  can’t be my best self for others, I  can’t feel too happy because I’m expecting consequence or abuse backlash, and I  can’t feel wanted because you have made me feel disposable, used, and out of service. But to you right, in this absolute moment, I  am nothing. Yet here I am, discourse from our entire relationship in tow plus myself, drowning in everything. 

[existentialwannabe]

“What does your inner child want?”

A hot topic question in the realm of spirituality and self awareness. To me, this question is confusing because I  find it hard to separate the fact that my inner child is not an exact replica of the way I  had been a child on this material earth. This inner child has potential. This inner child can be reflective of what I  had learnt from pre-puberty, but the divine child is much more. The inner child does not seek control or acknowledgement. The inner child just wants to be, but I  can’t shake this controlling nature that has rooted itself directly into my third eye. 

What does my inner child want? 

A hug is singlehandedly the first thing on that list. 

A form of physical affirmation would be optimal. 

Witnessing follows a very close second. 

Things that my current “adult” ass wants. I  can’t really focus on the “beyond” because I’m always propelled back to the ground. The edible that I  had yesterday made me feel that I  was being tugged by tiny strings back into the ground... as if I  couldn’t escape. I  wasn’t safe whether I  was standing, laying down, or sitting. 

I  do want to escape. It’s weird that for the first time in 4 years, all trauma placed kindly to the side, this is the moment in which I  could just dissipate. I’d rather my inner child take control of this fucked up Mazda of a body I  have. Maybe my inner child could actually provide validation, confidence, and appropriate ignorance to my psyche that can stop my brain from moving 17,000 miles a minute. 

I don’t know.. . I  just..

[existentialwannabe]

if I’ll never compare, 

does pushing forward feel worth it? 

[existentialwannabe]

today i am truly grateful in having the opportunity to have gone home during quarantine. being back at winthrop has reminded me that when in circumstances that ignite stress... i don’t take care of myself. i just move, but it’s only half way. it’s never fully realized and i KNOW it’s wrong, but i still do it. it’s not fair to myself. it’s interesting that this space has this energy that makes me feel small or just dispensable really. i clean the apartment... i settled for the smaller room.. i manage electric intake and try to keep things turned off as much as possible to maintain solid bills. i give all of my energy to making it work. it’s unreal that i keep moving to make things work and never really let things try to work for me... or at least choose people who want to work with me. i don’t want people who “start” to clean when i already finished a quick sweep of the apartment. i want people who talk to me because they want to and address things as adults. i wish so many things, but at this rate i’m just dredging through old petty thoughts / arguments / and energy that did not service then, are not servicing me now, and will not in the future.... 

so for this post i will write affirmations.

i deserve to be respected by others because i am a good person

i deserve kindness, love, and equity in my relationships

i am more than just a fixer, i’m a goddamn person and i’m multifaceted

i do things because i want the best for all, but i NEED to want the best for me first

i am not a bad person

i did not deserve any of the treatment from the past 4 years. 

i am and will be moving on from all of this negative energy

i am only attracting what i deserve and i deserve highly because i am highly favored

i am going to be okay 

[existentialwannabe]

this apartment really could’ve been it all, but it wasn’t. 

a part of me is glad about that because i truly realize how this apartment was good for absolutely everyone except me. 

i got the smaller room (albeit past elanna was okay with it), i was solely cleaning, i paid equally even though i should’ve been paying $100 less than what i did. 

everyone that has lived here has either stayed fully in their room or wasn’t even in the space at all. 

the open windows and light were a big seller because it is “open” and “bright” hopefully to nourish us lil human plants to feel better.. but that wasn’t the case. two human plants were able to adapt and grow, while two others refused to bend to touch the sunlight. 

i would want to say that it sucks, but it’s basically over. 

it happened, i lived it, and i am moving onto better things. No harm, no foul in the game of life huh 

[existentialwannabe]

[existentialwannabe]

Fuck I think I’m a bisexual demisexual person.. which means that I’m on the asexual spectrum. I don’t know how to process this.

[existentialwannabe]

My mom says that I’m never happy. She says I lile to start things and that nothing she ever does is validated or accepted by me... and I just feel numb.

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[existentialwannabe]

So today after doing some light reading, I was mulling a lot about the bird hitting the window. I was hoping to relieve some stress so I engaged in one of my favorite tarot readers newest video about Soulmates/Twin Flames. This video involved picking a deck that had different stones a top. There was a clear quartz, rose quartz, and onyx. I chose the rose quartz because when I think of soulmates/twin flames I think of the purity of love which for me blends into a pink shade. Not too powerful, but not too weak... not too aggressive but not too passive. A neutral that can exist because it was too aggressive. A part of me is extremely involved in tarot readings because I enjoy having queer POC readers/astrologers impart their magic and power in a way that I can hope to absorb. A part of me also struggles with the notion that “this might not be real” and think very realistic and capitalistic about it. I wanted to see what was presented and connect, if possible. The rose quartz reading hit me hard. It mentions a lot of pain. My twin flame/soulmate is not with me because “they love themselves enough to leave” but “leaving was painful for them”. Bronx mentioned that it seemed that we were both in a period/entering a period of pain that would not benefit us mutually. This person based off of the cards could be a Leo.. could be a Pisces because of the 3rd month... but ALSO could be an Aries. My signals were Names and Smoke. I may be seeing/hearing this person’s name a lot or see images in smoke that could be in close relation to them. The basis of our “not being together” is that we both need to heal and need the separation... to surrender fear and face the trauma. My stomach was swirling because it made me immediately think of Sara. She left because she thought we were both busy and we were. I was struggling with work, eventually school, and the large weight of Kiley on my shoulder. She was handling work and having to take care of her father in England (which she would be taking a trip to). She ended our “whatever it was” by mentioning that it would be best for her to separate because despite enjoying time spent with me, her life needed to be in place first. She was nervous to tell me and apparently took a while to admit it until I one day texted to check in. I remember feeling very void at work when she sent that to me, but I respected it because I couldn’t stop her from living her life. I kept thinking a lot about her and missed her. One day on a Sunday, I remember serving a drink that her best friend Ameera, who I never met but knew from photo, picked up after giving me a smile and very kind eye contact. I knew Sara loved Flour and I wouldn’t be surprised if she brought her best friend with her. She’d never been to the Central Sq. one and I didn’t see her that day so I assumed it was coincendence. My mind wavers because I felt like Sara and I didn’t have much of a chance to really see what our connection could be. Watching Bronx’s video today ignited a strong desire to want to see her again, see her smile, and just be a shy human around her. If it’s meant to be that we do connect, I would feel great about that. If we don’t, I can’t control the destiny of our lives. Seeing that video today and getting a rush of these feelings made me just reminisce and breathe a little. I don’t want to be hung up on her if it’s not meant to be because I wouldn’t be living my life the way I should be. Yet, it would be such a great pleasure to be hung up on her.

Rx

I  woke up early before retrograde and before the end of retrograde without any knowledge. It felt strange for my body to be very aware of that transition in the stars and universe…. 

As I’m sitting now, a bird just hit my house window and I’m not sure if this is a good or a bad omen, but I  hope something positive cultivates from it. 

[existentialwannabe]

Rx

I  woke up early before retrograde and before the end of retrograde without any knowledge. It felt strange for my body to be very aware of that transition in the stars and universe.... 

As I’m sitting now, a bird just hit my house window and I’m not sure if this is a good or a bad omen, but I  hope something positive cultivates from it. 

[existentialwannabe]

Eddie Diaz + Emojis

Bonus:

[existentialwannabe]

Still a bit upset over the fact that my father decided to tell me that “my stomach looks flatter” and when I tell him to not comment on my body he just says... “it’s a compliment, learn to take a compliment” ///// honestly just extremely infuriating

I didn’t eat today until basically late 5- early 6 PM... my first meal of the day... but I’m skinny so who tf cares anyway????? I’m just so skinny and pretty!!!! Not like my appetite or body has changed in ways that I’m concerned about!!! I’m pretty!!!!!!!