#When I had no way of coming home and didn't go to a funeral bc of that

[briefmusicbouquet]

more thoughts on miguel because i am obsessed with this man to an unhealthy degree

i'm a fan of the "miguel never had a wife and kid in his home universe," school of thought

but like just picture this: miguel just feeling super alone in his universe, and halfway certain of that idea that "being spiderman is responsibility and suffering and isolation", and then figuring out how to look into other universes, and then seeing one where he has a family

so miguel, who's already partly written off the idea that he could ever be that happy, bc even the way he became spiderman was something meant to Other him and keep him from being able to go to other people, thinks this is the closest he'll ever get to that and is content watching a version of him be happy

and then alternate him dies

he knows how much it'll devastate his alternate univ wife and daughter, how much it'll hurt

and how much it'll hurt losing this one thread of hope that happiness is possible for him

so he jumps into that universe, brings the body back to his and hides it, and then comes back with similar injuries that aren't enough to kill him and dials an ambulance

he comes to in a hospital bed, and for the first time outside of a self indulgent dream, there's two faces hovering over him and asking if he's okay and if he's in any pain

it turns out that watching his alternate wife and daughter is WAY different from actually living with them

even though he feels he knew them before, he's constantly finding out more and more things about his daughter and wife that he hadn't known before, and that just increases how much he cares

and there's a annoying little doubt in the back of his mind that he didn't do the right thing, that he should've just settled in his life back in 928 and stopped keeping tabs on them after the funeral

but then his daughter pulls on his arm to show him a cool trick she just learned and he knows that there's nothing that could make him regret this

occasionally, there's little movements out of the corner of his eye

colors split and things divide in two and he whips his head to the side but it's gone, so he writes it off as a coincidence and learns to ignore it

the first time his wife glitches out of the corner of his eye he nearly has a heart attack, and like a switch, things start getting exponentially worse after that

the lamp in the corner of the living room is permanently split into a jagged mirror of itself, there's a pixel flickering in the corner of his eye and leaving him with constant headaches, and he starts quietly sneaking out of their bed in the middle of the night to try and make a bracelet or something that could stabilize the glitching, but it's hard to work when his tools keep glitching and jumping out of his hands and even harder to focus when the glitching gets heavier and starts creeping outside of the corner of his vision and overtaking everything until the table he's sitting at completely fizzles out of existence and takes his tools and the prototype bracelet with it.

there's a small pinprick of black where his bracelet was two seconds ago, and then world starts dissolving around it

[nathanbatemanfucker]

summary: a little time jump in this series— javier does blue the favor of taking her to the record store.

pairing: f!reader (blue) x javier peña

warnings: 18+/nsfw/MINORS DNI (this fic is 18+ only though this blurb is sfw)

word count: 1524

an: it’s the 10th (acts of service) aka BLUE SCOOPS DAY. no chapter this month bc of @doctorsteths-fluffyfeb but i decided to give y’all this. this takes place about 3 months after Blue’s arrival in Laredo and a month or so after she and Javi finally meet (soon i promise). thanks for reading my friends!

fluffy february masterlist | misc. masterlist

Your stomach has been in knots since the moment you woke up and you feel stupid. You’ve been alone with Javier before and here you are having a panic attack over him driving you to the record store. Granted, you were nervous that day he’d picked you up to go to the funeral home, but never like this. This feels different, like…more. You readjust your top and hair more times than you can count in the mirror and that’s exactly what you’re doing when he knocks at your door.

When you open the door Javier can’t help but think about how beautiful you look. It’s almost all he thinks about when he’s with you— that and this is all he will have. Longing looks, favors, and dinner’s with you and his father. This is all it’ll ever be because he won’t do this to you.

“Javier? You ready?” You say a little breathlessly, his intense gaze warming your cheeks.

He clears his throat, a hand coming up to rub the back of his neck, “Yeah, you?”

“Mhmm. Coffee,” You press the warm to-go cup into his hand similarly to the last time he picked you up.

And just like last time, when he takes a sip it’s made perfectly.

The drive to the record store is 20 minutes, it sits on the other edge of town and the ride starts out awkward as he fiddles with the radio dial, trying to find something to fill the silence. He quickly learns that even with a melody in the background that his heart is beating so loudly he’s afraid you can hear it.

God he hates this.

Not being in control, confidence so low it's scraping the gates of hell— neither are something he’s not used to. In Colombia he had to be born of those things to get shit done, to simply stay alive. But his usual smoke and mirrors of a badge and sex appeal don’t work here with you. He doesn’t know how to keep you at bay, and he’s sure as hell doesn’t want to. But he will. He will do this right even if it kills him.

“So why Blue?” He asks suddenly, the burn to fill the silence becoming too much. He feels your eyes on him immediately, and tries to picture what expression’s on your face. Probably surprised, with your eyebrows arched and eyes wide, your plush mouth hanging open.

He tacks on quickly, “I know that you’re always wearing something blue. A shirt, a dress, a bandana. But why the nickname?

You continue to gape at him for a moment, a little in shock. He noticed that? He’s been…looking at you? The thought makes that familiar ache at the apex of your thighs blossom, the heat he always brings to your skin rises a few degrees.

“Oh,” You say finally, clearing your throat as you look down and run your hands over the blue blouse that you’re wearing today. “It’s my favorite color…it was my grandfather’s too.”

His face falls, and he can't help but look over at you, “I shouldn’t have asked, I didn't mean to bring that up for you.”

When did this become so hard for him? He’s always cared for the women he interacted with, no matter their status or occupation, a soft spot created by his mother and the way she raised him. But this? He’s drowning in you, struggling to stay afloat in a simple conversation. Stumbling every time he tries a gesture he thinks will pan out as caring or charming.

“It’s fine,” You reassure him, and you have the urge to reach out to touch him— instead, you grip your coffee cup tighter.

“I’m sorry.”

“It's alright, Javier, really.”

More silence. This was not going well, and you can’t help but be disappointed. The back and forth between you and Javier makes no sense to you. He takes a leap and then several steps back, leaving you to chase after him. Doesn’t he know that you’ll take him as he is? You guess not, you haven’t said it in so many words but he has to feel doesn’t he?

“Thank you for bringing me here. It means a lot,” You murmur as he parks the car outside the store.

It’s simple and small, a hand painted sign that reads ‘Frankie’s’ hung up above the floor to ceiling windows. Even from the car you can see rows upon rows of records.

“Don’t mention it. Good to go?”

“Sure.”

The way you light up when you see the jazz section in Frankie’s is better than all the wonders in the world to Javier. You let out a little squeal, looking up at him with such a genuine excitement that he can’t help but grin back at you. It's even better to hear you ramble, plying him with information about artists and yourself without him having to say it word. This feels the most you, like you've finally forgotten about whatever makes you nervous around him and let go.

“My grandfather got me into records, you know. It was his thing, he hated tapes. He was a good cook, a terrible baker which is where I come in, but he's taught me everything I know about proper cooking. And every time he would cook for us, which was every night, he’d have a record going. We’d dance in the kitchen sometimes together. It felt like he had hundreds of them, he had at least one for every week of the year. But it was incredible, he was incredible.”

“He sounds like he was a lot of fun. I’m sure you miss him very much.”

You're thumbing through a section, pulling out a record that has Chet Baker sprawled across it in white letters, “He taught me to live, regardless of the circumstances. We were dealt a pretty shitty hand with my grandmother but all things considered, he found happiness.”

“You had a lot to do with that happiness I bet.”

You glance up at him, breath catching at his proximity. When had he gotten so close?

“You think so?” You ask softly, your gaze distracted when his tongue sweeps over his bottom lip.

He nudges your elbow with his and quirks his eyebrows at you, “I know so.”

The way he's looking at you almost makes your knees weak. Eyes glittering, his mouth slack, his staring into your eyes with an intensity that steals the rest of your breath. Your brain is panicking at you, pleading with you to tell him how you feel.

“Javier, I-”

You're interrupted by a saleswoman with big hair and red lips, “You two need any help? Oh, Chet Baker. Perfect for you lovebirds.”

“We’re not lovebirds. She just, uh, works for my dad. I’m doing her a favor-” Javier tries to explain, much to your disappointment, but the woman interrupts him too.

He’s right, you aren’t lovebirds but there’s something inside you that hurts at his denial. You’re grateful this woman stepped in before you’d made a fool of yourself.

“Javier Peña as I live and breathe,” The woman claps her hand over her chest dramatically.

“Hola, Elena,” He sighs, obviously exasperated but it goes right over her head.

He wants to know what you were going to say. It looked important— intimate even.

You squeeze his arm with an apologetic smile before leaving the two of them to catch up. You need to look at the models of record players they have anyway, it's what you came for. Javier doesn’t find you until you’re checking out, whistling at the pretty penny you’re spending.

“It’s worth it,” You grin up at him, eyes bright and it takes all his willpower not to take you in his arms and kiss you.

The ride back is more silent than the ride going, the two of you unknowingly thinking about the same thing.

What were you going to say to him? And what even is it? It’s always easy to feel what you do for Javier, he taps into the rawest part of you desire, the softest part of your heart. But putting it into words? It seems an impossible task.

By the time he drives you home you still aren’t sure about what you want to say. As always, he walks you to the door, insisting on carrying your bags up to the door.

When you get the door unlocked you turn towards him, hands reaching for the bags, “You can ask me about him. It doesn’t…it’s alright if you’re curious about him, about me.”

His eyes drop to the ground before he focuses them on you again, “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright. Well, I’ll, uh, I’ll see you at dinner tomorrow, Blue,” He murmurs as the bags slip from his hands unto yours.

You can't help but smile at him. Javier doesn't know if you smiled this much since he met you, and his returning smile spans his entire face at the thought of being the reason for that.

“See ya, Javi.”

Back in his truck, he lights a cigarette immediately. He's a goner for you. Hook, line and sinker.

blue scoops taglist: @lesbianhotch, @honeybrowne, @jazzelsaur, @mccn-bcys, @jxvipike, @thevoiceinyourheadx, @hotchs-bitch, @laurensprentiss, @pedrito-friskito, @lola766, @amb11, @vanemando15, @emilianamason, @iamskyereads, @welcometostayingawake, @alpaca-swimsuit

[summercourtship]

Um… hi Kyra! Be prepared bcs this will be a long one…

So, I finished KCU about four months ago, and let me just say that I think it’s a masterpiece, everything about it is perfect, one part in particular that I loved was how relatable the reader was (Believe it when I say it, it is HARD to do that, especially when you don’t know WHO is reading) I could definitely see myself doing exactly what she was doing! I loved how possessive Kylo Ren was and how he as also extremely conflicted about the reader herself, you managed to portray his turmoil really well! A part that BROKE me was when Leia was talking about how he got his soulmate phrase… Damn… you’re telling me this kid, that already thought of himself as a monster, was super happy that he HAD a soulmate, because that was a confirmation that he could be good and be loved unconditionally by someone, only to have his hopes CRUSHED when HIS MOTHER read to him what it said???!!!! DAAAANNGGG GIRL!!! You woke up and chose violence!!!!

But anyway, let’s get to the point that I wanted to get… ahem… if you’re comfortable… AND ONLY IF YOU’RE COMFORTABLE… (if not, ignore this part all together) I wanted to know if you have plans to continue it, i have been searching in your profile (stalking) for a reason why you stopped(not that i am obligated to have one!!) and the only thing i could find was that you stoped writing for KCU was bcs you felt that people wanted to end in a certain way and you didn’t (I could be wrong btw it has been a long time since I saw it) and that’s so sad! BUT I am really happy with the chapters we have! I love re-reading them! In the end you should put yourself first, if it’s not making you happy then you should not stress about it!

Also… if you don’t have any plans for it… I think it would be really cool if showed some BTS! I saw the other ask saying the same thing about STBOTDI (amazing fic btw) and i thought “hey it would be pretty neat if she did it for KCU too!” so if you’re feeling generous, feed this starving woman?

Anyway! thanks for listening to my rant! Thats all Folks

oh, kingdom come undone, my beloved. thank you so much for your kind words- it's been a while since I've looked back on KCU. I'm pretty sure I cackled when planning the part with Kylo's soulmark and the revelation about how it appeared because it's so sad lmao.

I do have plans to continue it, eventually. I want to go back and edit earlier chapters (and truly EDIT them, like overhaul level of editing) because I want to put it back on track to the vision I had for it originally. A big part of why I kinda fell out of love with writing it is because I felt like there was going to be a lot of people upset that I didn't make "Ben Solo" happen because fuck that shit, I like Kylo Ren bc he's a piece of shit who is sad sometimes not because he's an uwu soft baby who made a lil mistake.

But also, I started writing it in a really hard time- I had been dealing with extreme isolation due to both COVID and some things that happened with my friend group that ended up separating me from them (I had my family and I'm very grateful but there were months before I returned home from my college apartment because I wanted to be independent and believed it wasn't that bad and ended up just... not coping well with that, I'm afraid). I started planning KCU when I was in Pennsylvania for my grandmother's funeral and was writing it while dealing with extreme anxiety and depression combined with the struggles of being on different medications. So, while I do hold KCU in my heart and I love it, I do view it as a time capsule and know that I was writing it to distract myself from and cope with the shit I was dealing with. All of that makes it hard for me to go back to it because it feels very vulnerable, even if it doesn't come through in the text. I don't know if that makes sense.

BUT yes, I would love to one day go back, give it some TLC, and finally finish it for you all. I don't know if I have any BTS I could share right now because I really want to sit down with it and fix it, but once I'm comfortable with the state it is in, I will share.

Thank you so much. <3

[adelle-ein]

it's been. quite a week "lace it's tuesday" yes.

it's hard and weird when a relative you don't get along with dies, and you're supporting everyone else in their grief while biting your tongue. it's hard because my siblings don't actually remember her and say things about how much she loved us that aren't based in reality at all. they even called her "grandma" which she never went by. it's not a coincidence that me and my oldest cousin were the two grandchildren who chose not to speak at the funeral (because we were always the barricade standing in front of the younger ones to shield them from her, and he was very much her least favorite to boot.)

she'd been dying for years to be clear. my aunt was speculating and thinks she probably had dementia for an absolute minimum of the last sixteen years, and her physical health has been awful my whole life (she'd been on and off hospice for about five years? they'd put her on and then she'd live too long, they'd take her off, etc.) she just. would not die. like i think we're all really relieved she died, even the family members that really did love her, she just had no quality of life or anything anymore the last couple of years. but yeah hospice called and said she was going to die a week ago and they were actually right this time.

she was mean and horrible long before dementia though. the story my dad told at the funeral just made me think of how awful she was. and some of the other "funny" stories my family shared just horrified me. and it was the smallest funeral i've ever been to, we only just had a minyan. because nobody wanted to come because she had no living friends and drove off a lot of her family. some she outlived, some she just abused. the only person other than her sons' families who came was my great-uncle on my mother's side, who isn't related to and didn't know grandma (they might've met at weddings and b'nai mitzvahs if that?) but lived nearby and decided to come. and while i'm not his biggest fan it was very nice of him (and the only reason we had a minyan and didn't need to grab random funeral home staff. sigh.) we had a rent-a-rabbi bc my aunt and uncle's was booked and he kept trying to come up with like...things to say about her? generic grandma sentiments. that were generally wrong.

my aunt wanted us to divide up a box of grandma's costume jewelry she had (apparently she's had it for years but was too scared to divvy it up until grandma actually died since grandma has yelled at her for gold digging before. Yeah. goes without saying but aunt is not a gold digger in any way) and i'm thinking of the stuff i took as gifts from her, not from grandma, because like. i don't want stuff from grandma. but a lot of it is stuff my aunt made and stuff that's genuinely cute and i'll enjoy having i just have to like. separate it. and i got to see oldest cousin for the first time in years so that was nice. and my uncle's doing the best i've ever seen him for a number of reasons and my aunt seemed to be doing well too (and she and cousin both made me dairy free mandelbrot loaves haha) (and she addressed both me and my brother as graduates which is really sweet bc most family is straight up ignoring my graduation so far)

but you know. things are complicated life is complicated i'm gonna rant to my therapists and bite my tongue in front of family bc it really is the right thing to do

i am exhausted though after the stress of rushing out of state rushing to funeral rushing back planes cars being in florida which is my personal hell, blah blah, Travel Shit and concurrently dealing with some medication-obtaining issues and worrying about my conferral and falling behind on work and just not having time for therapy. sigh

[rubiesintherough]

okay, i know i've talked about this stuff ad nauseum, but i'm doing replies with her right now and i'm having a ton of feelings, so let a sad bitch cry about her healer birb bby. this is gonna be a tough read, bc, well, her.

Just the fact that Mahia was 12 when everything went down. Just 12. Up until that point, she was a happy child. Had a loving family, if a little strict. Had her whole life laid out for her, was deep into her training to become a healer, just like many of the other Gifted kids in the village. It was what she wanted to do, had her heart set on it. She was having fun, running through the woods, splashing in streams, going to festivals in the village square, causing mischief with her younger brother, Danin. Just being, for all metrics on her world, a normal kid.

And then everything fell apart when her brother was killed by a wild animal, during a hunt gone wrong... his first out with their father, like an initiation. She'd seen him off that morning with the rest of the hunting party... and was the first to spot her father carrying his body home. And she couldn't cry. Wasn't allowed to. In her culture, crying for the dead is a disrespect. It's seen as basically spitting in the face of the Ancestors, their deities... as though implying that the person loved wasn't given enough time. Questioning the will and plans of the higher powers. 12 years old, she'd just lost her only sibling. Her best friend, and partner in childish crime. And she was punished for crying. Couldn't even outwardly mourn him.

And, then, only a few short months later --- while she was still silently grieving Danin --- the attack happened. And she watched friends, and neighbors, and family, get gunned down. Saw her home burning. Was rounded up with all the surviving children of the village and carted away in the dark, to another world. To the Lab. She watched the lifeless bodies of her friends wheeled past her every couple weeks, twisted and changed and only barely recognizable. And all the while, she was being stripped apart, too. Wings grafted on and organs removed, all without any form of anesthesia... she'd just pass out from the pain and wake up back in her holding cell, a little less human than when she'd been dragged from it, hours before. And just wondering, every time she heard those footsteps coming, if she was going to wake up this time. Or if it was her body that was going to be wheeled out, next.

And when she finally, 6 months of torture later, managed to escape the cell and stowaway on a ship... with a crew that were actually good people... she got brought back home, and was hoping against all odds that things would be okay. Maybe some of her family had, somehow survived. And ended up burying the charred remains of her own parents, and all others who died, on the edge of her village. It was a rushed job. She didn't have time to do any kind of required funeral rites for any of them, so she doesn't even know if her loved ones were allowed into the afterlife. Or if that's just another way she failed them.

And then got dropped off on Earth. Still a child. Still 12 years old. And had to fend for herself... nights in the cold, hungry, running from wild animals, learning how to fly with the wings she wanted so badly to cut off, hiding from everyone. Only to find out she was being chased by a group sent specifically after her by the Lab. To bring her back, dead or alive. Ended up killing one of them in a panic. A swing of her dagger --- pulled from the wreckage of her village --- slashing the Hunter's throat and she ran, and could hear him choking to death on blood behind her, and damn, if she can't still hear that awful sound sometimes. So, she took a life. Which was viewed as one of the worst crimes in her culture, self-defense or otherwise.

Truly believes she's been abandoned by the deities she prayed to her whole life, because she's so far from home, no longer fully human, and has taken a life... cut off from them. Cut off from any hope of seeing her family, again, if they were even allowed into the afterlife. But, she has to keep going. Because giving up or dying means letting her home's memory die. And it means letting those who took her apart win.

Mahia Emerga, who cannot allow herself to die, cannot live, cannot exist in the world she's always flying so far above. Hiding in forests, doing her best to heal others who need it, to atone for the damage she's done, and all her failures. She needs to survive, but sometimes she can't even tell if she's alive anymore.

[francisversion2]

God is out to get me

When I love... I love hard....

There was this boy in my middle school probably my first real crush... I liked him since the end of seventh grade. Just bc he showed me kindness, don't get me wrong my best friend loved me ... But this was different....

I never liked a guy before him... In eighth grade my feelings were going crazy for him... In my eyes he was perfect, smart, funny and pretty... He liked to talk a lot and we became best friends instantly... But becoming his best friend made him more open...

He was in love with another girl and he described his love for her so beautifully... The girl in question was perfect nothing like me confined, pretty, social, with a beautiful voice and sweet Christian girl personality... I couldn't hate such a lovely girl...

He was so head over heels for her... I helped him win her over... On Valentine's day he bought her the biggest chocolate and flowers ... On the 8th of March even bigger flowers... On her birthday he took her out on ice-cream.... He was so sweet and gentle with her... He would tell me all about her... I helped him out on gifts and things to say... I advised the best.... Secretly wishing it was me who was getting it... I did everything to make that girl love him... Doing everything I would wish for myself... Watching them from afar knowing well there was nothing more I wished for then to be that girl.....

It was the last day of school... He wished me the best... To find someone to love me the way I deserve, bc to him I was the loveliest girl in this world and only deserved the best....

My best friend joked that guy and I were soulmates and that at the end of our teen years we would probably be dating... Maybe in another universe we were soulmates...

I never loved someone the way I loved him... I looked for him in every boy or girl I liked.... Even to be a bit silly I looked for him in my current boyfriend....

He never saw me after the funeral of my best friend that took place in the first year of high school... I told him I was fine.... I lied ofc but god the way I regret lying knowing he would probably have helped me more....

He doesn't know who Theresa is he knows who I was before I left the country and got adopted and changed my name... He never saw this version of me....

When I was in a mental hospital... I letter arrived for me at home ... My dad told me it would wait for me when I come out...

He is getting married to the girl I helped him get with... He wants me to be the best man (it's called a godfather/mother in traditional Serbian weddings)... He had to beg my bio parents and at the end they told him my address after he paid them 500 euros each ...

I will be flying to Serbia (when this post is posted I am probably already at the hotel) and I didn't step in there for almost two years... It's scary to think I will be back to the place I was ruined by... Current number one fear is running into my bio parents...

Also the weddings in two weeks but he asked if I can come as early as possible since he wants to see me and talk....

I am so scared I don't know how I will react when I see him..

[aksannyi]

tw: death of a family member

ok so my mom texted me today, i'm in my 7th period block, students are working, i check my phone and the message is basically that my grandfather is dying. (my last living grandparent, not that it's super relevant but maybe it is? idk?) he's going into hospice, they're gonna make him comfortable. no idea how long.

my immediate thought is, shit, i gotta fly up there, can i afford it, etc. these are the thoughts i had at 1pm when my students were all doing their thing, i was also trying to keep them working and not show them anything was amiss bc it isn't their business unless i share it and also if any one of them gave me even a shred of sympathy i would have lost it and i don't want to do that, i will cry on my own tyvm lol

anyway. i look at flights, reasonable for flight + car. reasonable-ish. and i texted the ...w/e the hell he is bc someone would have to stay with the dog since he works 24h shifts

had an appointment today, did some errands. whatever. then i'm sitting here at home, listening to some music, just sitting there and thinking and thinking and thinking:

i don't want to go.

and it sounds selfish, and it feels selfish, and it feels shitty.

and anyway there's history here. so my first grandparent to go was my mom's mom in 1993. shittiest saturday morning ever. my 2nd grandmother died in 2017, right after hurricane irma, and my dad flew me up to say goodbye. i was at her deathbed with family members, it was hard, also my family was being racist (which is totally irrelevant but it still pisses me off how they got mad at me cussing but it's cool for them to just fucking say the n-word) (assholes)

then last summer, 2022, my dad texted me that my grandfather (his dad, obvs) was dying and he had like 24hrs. not enough time for me to have gotten up there to see him, so dad told me to call and then put me on speaker phone and i said my goodbyes to him that way. i'm crying thinking of it now, hardest fucking phone call i ever made.

and then i got fucking covid so i couldn't even go to the funeral, and my mom. this person. she makes a guilt-trip post on fb because both of my brothers could make it and i couldn't, and she's convinced she will never see all 3 of us together again (and she never ever lets us forget it) because two of us live at literal opposite ends of the country - PNW and florida, and the one who lives up there is in the northeastern part of the country so it's like almost as far away as you can possibly triangulate 3 people in the continental US. and it was like wow mom fuck you, like i wouldn't have come up if i didn't have LITERAL FUCKING COVID, no i was not going to drive 1200 miles or infect an entire fucking airport, i'm not an asshole. and also i just felt like pure crap, tbh. like physically.

anyway.

i'm struggling. i know that he wants to see me. he called me, when i sent the blanket (which some of you might remember, (this post: https://www.tumblr.com/aksannyi/722322909005299712/aksannyi-my-grandma-passed-in-1993-october-to?source=share) and he said how much he misses me and wants to see me because he knew then that his time was running short. it's very hard for me to get up there, and i generally just don't like it up there due to a number of factors (completely unrelated to him, but definitely related to other family members, like my mom and a psychotic aunt and several shitty uncles) and just the damn drama of everything that goes on up there that i moved away from for a damn reason.

and i'm like. i should go. i know objectively i should go. i should go because it's the least i could do for him, the one thing i can actually do that would make him happy. like fuck my mom, fuck my brothers, fuck my aunts/uncles and the entire goddamn stupid small town i'm from, just to see him. but the problem is that i wouldn't just be seeing him, and i don't want to Deal With Them. all of them. collectively.

(and also i don't wanna see him like that... when i went to see grandma, she had been on the decline for years. she wasn't fully coherent, didn't always recognize me. every time i went up there while she was still alive i assumed it'd be the last time i'd see her)

(my dad's dad, on the other hand, knew me right up to the end. he'd be absolutely thrilled to see me. every time. but he was also in his upper 90s and so i also had made peace with the fact that he wasn't gonna be around that much longer)

and like it isn't like i didn't know this was coming, like i'm not stupid, obviously. he's had a lot of health issues, mom would text us about his doctors diagnoses and shit so we knew it was coming. he's 86 now. it was inevitable. and that's like. ok. i have made peace with that. but i'm struggling now with this incredible guilt because i don't want to go.

i can afford it. it'll be tight but i can manage it. i can do a whirlwind weekend trip. i'll be tired as shit for work next week but whatever, wouldn't be the first time. but i just. i don't want to. and that's what's fucking me up, it's that i don't want to and i feel like shit about it. because i know i should. and do i suck all that shit up and just Deal With It dot com...??? i do, don't i. i need to. fuck me, this sucks ass.

well if you read all of this and you have any advice or anything i guess feel free, i just needed to kinda get this out and deal with it. i know either way i'll be fine, but like do i really wanna deal with my mother fucking guilt tripping me for the rest of her life (and probably mine bc she'll fucking haunt me when she goes istg) ugh. ugh ugh ugh ugh uGH. ugh.

ok fine whatever time to look at flights (it is too far to drive unless i take time off work and ngl i will need my sick days, for like actual sick days.)

[testingcheats0n]

Since everyone who's offering their lukewarm microwave reheated takes on tender is the flesh doesn't seem to read all that much I am here to offer a somewhat lukewarm (but not reheated) opinion myself.

First off, yes Marcos got Jazmín pregnant everyone who's ever read anything (and watched the shape of water) could tell you that was going to happen because otherwise there would be no narrative catharsis. The book would be half as long if he gave Jasmín up. Some of you act like he really had sex with an animal.

On a side note I would have loved to read some more of Marcos' day to day until he cracked under the enormous pressure the system puts him on and destroyed his life.

The ending made no sense as in the characters were forced into a situation that they would never get into and reacted in character. I guess.

I am typing this at 3am please help.

The premise is very flawed, and the system is moronic. The gore is there for shock value and it makes no sense like when is the last time you've heard of a trend in which people take live animals into their home and eat them piece by piece? Nonsense.

Author likes to lamphsade cliches and commit them unironically at the same time.

That said, it is a disturbing read, it does inflict psychological damage and I do recommend it to new gore/horror readers who want to be quickly and easily immersed.

A personal theory of mine is that the virus was in the humans and never in the animals causing a mass hysteria and abnormal behavior bc some of these people were acting mighty not... human. Like beyond typical human cruelty and grimdark and yadda yadda yadda. Genuinely these people let themselves go in like 20 years.

People talk a lot about the objectification of women (duh, that's every media everywhere always) and don't talk about the multiple men with severe mental health issues and how the system pits them against eachother- and even the objectification of men which are treated as crash test dummies, and animals to be hunted.

The bad guys are literally eating babies and kicking puppies, like. Come on.

Marcos is not superman btw. He can't snap his fingers and create a new life for Jasmín, she doesn't even understand personal safety- she thinks that her own blood is a good substitute for floor paint!!!- he cannot give her agency because they will both die if he does!!

And yes obviously she deserves a good life, but american media has brainwashed us into believing that Marcos has the power or responsability to give it to her when he's barely managing on his own.

Am not excusing literally everything else he did to her goddamn. Why author? Why? He could destroy his soul in different ways!!

He is the cleaning service after the rich men party, yes he comes in contact with them, he might even know them by name and be friendly with them, and have been on the same level once upon a time, but he doesn't have nearly as much power as them.

It's also not his responsability to be the hero- he might be the protagonist, but that's it. He can't fight the government or singlehandedly demolish the system. He can undermine it, temporarily until it kills his puppies and makes a funeral for his dad which he didn't want.

And just... yes it is about hypocrisy because he wrote the same rules he is now evading, but you see how we never ever got in contact with the real powers in the world? It was just this cog against other cogs at the bottom of the machine none of what they were doing had any real impact (his rules were to prevent further human abuse btw, he ensured that some very bare minimums were met in the framework of an absolute nightmare)

Marcos is a beautiful character btw, I'd like to put him in a petting zoo and see how he interacts with the other animals. He is not placing animals at a higher position like we do in the "i prefer dogs to humans" way he's just genuinely and utterly lonely missing a past life and surrounded by people who pretend to be humans, he is disgusted by most people, and yes that does include the captive humans- he's in a constant horror movie that never stops once he gets out of the house. And then Jazmín invades his house too.

Marcos doesn't treat women badly (except the end and all that led to it which is uh... yeah. Still makes no sense.) women treat him badly. His wife abandons him after the death of his son while he has 0 emotional support, his sister is a narcissist, he snaps at a woman while he's grieving (ONCE), he helps another one through emotional turmoil, the only other woman who he meets is literally nicknamed "Doctor Mengele". His thoughts were also rated E for everyone that man disliked every single person in his life except his father

[dopaminergicaddictions]

5/19/24

6:04 a.m Edited/Added to

I feel like a first class asshole for not seeing my mom technically yesterday but it's still today for me...

I just looked up broken ribs and they do heal on their own and don't require a cast or anything but I'm tearing up a little cause she gets herself so fucking drunk she can't walk and she almost killed herself.

I was in new Hampshire. Skye was idk where all my mom remembers is laying on the floor in pain yelling for us and neither of us being there.

And it's like no one is saying surgery or anything but- like if she had fallen any harder she could have popped a lung, ruptured her heart or one of her vital organs. She fell around 6 I was aware of her pain at 2 a.m she doesn't even remember getting in bed or in her pj's...

It's just fucking depressing for a number of reasons. It's hard being a child/and adult child of an alcoholic who won't quit. You grow up knowing they are killing themselves and they won't stop. You cry and protest and try so hard to get them to stop and they won't. They treat you like shit and then:

You never get to know the real them. That's the hardest part is my drunk mom is the real paula. That's my mom. I don't get to see my real mom I never will and whats even sadder for her is she will never know herself truly. She will die as a drunk having lost her life to years of drinking and never being able to truly bond with her children cause we resent her for it. Or anyone else.

If she had fallen any harder she could have died due to an alcohol related injury. She would have died on the floor and I would have come home to that..

I can't stop her. No one can. And once she comes home she will be drinking her 80-100 proof vodka. And I can't baby sit her. I can't be around her bc it hurts to be around her. It hurts to look into her eyes.

I don't see her there. I see somewhat of an empty vessel. Idk how to describe it.

I regret not going but I'll go later today. I'm glad she's okay but I'm really fucking sad cause she could have died. And it's all bc she won't stop drinking. Everyone tries to tell her to quit but she won't. I've heard her friends yelling at her about it over the phone. She doesn't understand why people don't want to spend time with her.

At Thanksgiving when she was making an ass out of herself. She left the room and my aunt started talking to me (my aunt doesn't even like me) and she was like I haven't seen her this bad. I want to call her and talk to her more but she's always drunk and I can't deal with it. I then told her a convenient time to call her around 12 or 1 when she get out of work before the booze hit her.

My mom could have died. She would have died alone. No one can stand to be around her bc she won't quit. And I would have walked in on her dead. That's not what happened but it could have.

And one of the only things I can remember is her saying what daughter. You still have a cunt. You're deadname. You killed my daughter. Etc. Her banging down my door yelling these things at me in the past. And the good times are when I said if you can't beat them join them. When we got drunk together or high together.

It's sad. She's going to kill herself from drinking whether it's a fall or sclerosis. Or it'll be smoking. But with the way she drinks it prob will be drinking..

I was debating going to my uncles funeral he hasn't died yet but he is going to soon... I debated the reasons I'd feel regret-respect for my father, and psychosis/ my circadian rhythm playing a roll and that's it.

I Don't want to see a dead person even if I didn't love him. Not with psychosis. I won't regret it but i hate that psychosis plays a role.

Of course if someone who I really cared about died I'd go to their funeral regardless..

But yea. I'm really sad about my mother. It hit me bc I had some time to think and finally calm down.

[ebdanon]

the move was fast and furious because i was losing my mind with all the shit that was happening. basically i called my parents to ask if they were free tomorrow to come over, help pack up and pick up stuff in their car. surprisingly they agreed. my husband called up a few friends to help packing (that bit truly felt like i was in my 20s lmao) because my dad can drive but doesnt lift anything heavy. not because he cant, in fact physical exercise has been recommended to him for decades. he just doesn't want to do it and suffers the consequences of random aches and pains for it. my husband could barely function with the symptoms still (a lot of trial and error with his diet), so it was down to me and my mom, and the friends he got to pack up stuff. but then my husband got annoyed with my dad and started helping too (he literally asked my mom to carry his jacket because "its too heavy" wtf?!) bc my dad picked the worst spot in the apartment to sit in and scroll his phone. wasnt even chatting with anyone, dude was just on his phone complaining how we were moving too slow every once in a while, because he wanted to get home faster. the rest of us packed up the majority of stuff, only the bulky and fragile things were left for a second trip, and we left the apartment.

we got to my in laws house, and my in laws invited my parents in. that was the first and last time anyone related to me has been inside this house. we unloaded both cars, and passed out from exhaustion, planning on unpacking over the next few days, before driving back with my parents to pick up the rest of the stuff we left behind (they offered to help) the following weekend. that's when my fil's father passed away suddenly. see, my husband's grandparents had been together for over 60 years, and they loved each other deeply. when the wife passed away six months before, the husband was completely lost on what to do in life without her. he kept saying he couldn't live without her, and started giving away stuff to his kids and grandkids. money, valuables, etc. he even gave me a ring, which my mil pressured me to sell asap because "it was probably magical and cursed". she regularly threw away anything that came from their house out of fear of being cursed. what she didn't know was the way that couple looked at my husband and i's relationship. they were incredibly happy for us and were actually the only ones that treated me like family long before we married. i had a shared love for plants with my husband's grandma (she had a whole ass amazing garden) and after she passed, her husband got me a plant because he knew how much i loved them. that's the only thing my husband and i have left to remember them by. my mil doesnt know it came from him and its been sitting in her living room ever since we moved, along with the rest of the plans my husband, best friend, and parents have given me throughout the years. a chunk of the plants died last year because i just didnt have time to look after them with everything going on. the funeral for my husband's grandfather was scheduled on the same day we were supposed to go back to the apartment to finish picking up what was left. we canceled the trip, and i asked my parents if they could do it the next day (sunday instead of saturday). they said no, the had plans in the evening. i asked if they would be able to come if we left at dawn and finished by noon. again, no, they had plans in the evening.

the plans they had were the following: my sister is a makeup artist and opened a studio a year before. she was throwing a party in honor of having a studio for a year. she invited me a couple days after we got into town. i said id likely go unless i definitely couldn't because of external circumstances because i was mid moving, with time running out because the day of her party was the last weekend of the month. (we had to give the apartment back by that sunday, the day of her party, because we couldn't reasonably ask anyone to take off work during the week to come help, the weekend is the only available time. and we couldnt afford another month of rent and bills) she got mad and hung up. and proceeded to not speak to me for a few months. i mean she was already avoiding me for some reason but i guess this was the last straw. and then the funeral happened, so we couldn't actually even go to her party. instead of my parents, my fil came at the crack of dawn, right after his dad's funeral, to help pack and move and we hired a moving van for whatever we couldnt fit inside our car. we scrambled to find a van the day before the funeral, two days before moving, when my parents said they couldnt help. because of my sister's party in the evening. we were packed and on the road within two hours because not much stuff was left. so we were finished in 6 hours total. but they couldnt help. im highlighting this because its one of the handful of times ive been truly desperate enough in life to ask for their help. the last time i did was years ago, when my husband and i started dating, when we were gonna go on our first vacation together. we needed someone to drive us to a meet up point for the trip through a travel agency, because neither of us had a car at the time. my parents took us to the meet up point, and then my dad started screaming at the travel agent because the group was late. in front of everyone. they were an hour late and informed us and he knew they'd be late. while he was going off on the agent, i was trying to open the trunk of his car so we could get our luggage. i repeatedly asked him to open it but he was too busy screaming. the entire group avoided us for the rest of the trip. and he spent the hour they were late complaining about the lateness and how he was taking time out of his day to do something nice only to end up suffering. so yeah i only ask when extremely desperate because i know its gonna go to shit somehow.

we got back and that's when my mil started complaining. and screaming. and talking shit more than ever before. because we brought stuff to the house and there was no room. because we had to was everything after haphazardly packing so her dishwasher and washing machine were being used. because she didnt know what my husband could eat or not (we finally learned of the low fodmap diet which has helped my husband immensely) so she could make lunch. she complained about making lunch. she complained about cleaning up afterward. she complained how no one was helping her. even though both my husband and i kept trying to help. she would literally rip things out of our hands so she would be the one to do it. because thats how she'd get to complain about it. here's a brief example: she'd ask my husband what he wants for lunch. he's give a suggestion. she'd say she cant make that and start screaming how he's doing that on purpose, he's not sick and never was, shes the only one trying to get him better, and basically throw a tantrum. the lunch she'd cook would then be whatever she felt like eating. i wasn't allowed to even step into the kitchen. or in many other places in the house. oh by the way, the house has two kitchens. only one is in use, on the ground floor, so "the rest of the house doesnt smell". there's a second, new one on the first floor. the fridge has barely any essentials. the pantry is stocked. the only things in regular use are the sink to wash up everything after meals, despite having a functional dishwasher, and the coffee machine. why not use the dishwasher? i still dont know. here are some of the things that we brought and still use on a daily basis from the kitchen, which means they take up space and bother her: coffee cups we got as gifts, a reusable water bottle, boxes for food storage, two pairs of tongs, a spatula, measuring cups, a loaf pan, everything else we got for the pantry my husband can eat and a couple of boxes of tea. it's like 30 things, and im including the dozen or so boxes in this list but not the pantry. and the pantry is just one cabinet. two kitchens, she's bothered by 30 things. there's a bathroom on each floor. one functional shower on the first floor. one washing machine on the ground floor. in terms of storage, most of the stuff we brought is in the shed, because there's no room in the house. we store whatever we can in the bedroom (which we had to furnish overnight btw, because a week into us moving here, my fil told my husband that he sold all of the furniture from that room, including the childhood beds my husband and his sister had that we were using, and the people would be coming over to pick up what they bought in a couple of days. so we went out to pick out and buy a bed and paid extra to have it delivered asap. we continued living from our suitcases because the wardrobe and nightstands we got arrived later) now, in terms of other space in the house. my in laws, aside from the brick shed, use multiple rooms throughout the house for storage. one room for example is for their wardrobe. another is for random stuff + more clothes. a third one is set up like a second living room but no one goes in there. overall, weird way of living. so we got another cabinet in the dining room, where we could store stuff like my books and art supplies, my husband's personal care stuff and tech equipment. a drawer for meds. and a whole ass bathroom! (technically only the toilet and sink are useable, the rest is filled with plastic drawers my mil uses as more storage). there's 0 room for us anywhere so we've set up our laptops and other work equipment in the dining room, on the dining table that no one was using anyway. the week after the bed situation, when the storage spaces still hadnt been assigned so our stuff was just living in the boxes we packed, we woke up to find all of the dining room setup missing. turns out my fil was annoyed at looking at the dining table all filled with stuff, he took the liberty of clearing out one cabinet they were using, and storing everything in there.continued lmao~

why is there not a single parent in your life that is capable of being normal

[marciliedonato]

The vaccine people really do NOT want me to get the booster lmao 💀💀 please just give me the ouchie so I can kiss some emos this summer sir

[kagakuoniryu]

TAKE MY MOMEY✨💳✨💳✨💳✨💳✨💳✨

Zhongly, diluc, kaeya, venti, xiao, lisa and jean reactig to their s/o practicing self/human/fruit-ninja

in front of them or with them in the same room (Sh in every form bc I love angst :')

✨💳✨💳✨💳✨💳✨💳✨

OBV YOU CAN IGNORE THIS REQUEST OR SOME CHARACTER

TY.

(SORRY FOR THE TW)

Synopsis :

Reader practice SH around their partner

Characters :

Zhongli

Diluc

Kaeya

Venti

Xiao

Lisa

Warning :

Mentions of self harm, angst obviously, reader cutting (zhongli, venti) /burning (diluc) /freezing (kaeya) /starving (xiao) and sleep depriving themself (lisa) ,

A/N :

Don't worry about triggering me, I need way more than that, but people who are easily triggered I won't recommend reading since I talk about most form of SH, even some that may be considered as anxious behavior so everyone is warned now! By the way the headcanon/scenarios may be short, I'm not particularly inspired by this subject and there is a lot of character, I also took out jean, I genuinely didn't knew what to write for her, I'll hope you'll still enjoy it

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zhongli :

Zhongli is a very observant man, he can and will see if you try to self harm near him, however he can't stop you when he isn't near

And I know for a fact, that for some people, self harm is almost addictive, a way to relieve themselves

So usually you self harm in secret in the bathroom or when he is at the funeral parlor with hu tao

He only see what happened after

He is wise and know lecturing you like a child won't do any good if only make you feel worse, so when he see the damages, he only guide you toward the first aid kit and bandage to heal you

"Darling, I know it's hard for you, and right now you use this to cope with things that I may have no idea about, but please, don't do this, a human life is already short enough, I don't want to loose you sooner than I should, we have all life before us, so I promise things will get better, give yourself time"

Pressing his forehead against yours, he kissed you gently while his thumbs stroke the back of your hands

But if really he had to come home while you're doing it

He will walk toward you slowly and make his presence known so you don't get frightened before holding your hand in his to make you release the sharp object you used to hurt yourself

And then again he will only tell you he feel sad you that you needed to do this ; he will never try to make you feel guulty, he know that's not the right solution and he is patient enough to make things right for you

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Diluc :

I'd like to imagine that to parrallel with diluc vision his s/o hurt themselves with something hot

It's technically considered by many psychologist that a shower, starting from a certain temperature is considered self harm, even if unconscious

So usually dilic find small burn on your skin when the two of you cuddle or just sleep together at night

And he don't like it

He'll start to reschedule his days to spend them with you and to know what's going on, if someone is bullying you or something

He don't think about self harm as an option in the first place

But even while following you around during the days after a few weeks he continue to find new burn on your back, arm and legs

And since he usually take his shower before you during the evening he don't get to see how hot us the water

But tonight you both were supposed to go on a date together and you were both late so to gain some time you took your shower together

You were the one in charge of the temperature of the water and you mindlessly set it as hot as possible for a human to bear

When only a drop touched diluc's skin he finally knew where you would get all your burns

He didn't say a thing, he knew this was something either unconscious or you didn't wanted to talk about, otherwise you would have done so, instead he start to make a point about the two of you showering together "to be more romantic" was his excuse when he mostly wanted to make sure you didn't burnt yourself more

And if it doesn't work or if he can't always shower with you he'll make modifications in the bathroom to either prevent you from setting the water that hot or to let you set it that hot but only acceptably hot water would come out in order to prevent your burns and if you ever tell him the water isn't as hot as usual he would only answer that the water is the same, you just got used to the temperature

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kaeya :

I feel like to kaeya, a good parrallel would be his s/o having no regard when it comes to their body temperature

They could be in dragonspine, freezing to death and they won't search for a source of heat, they just don't care

And at first kaeya thought he finally found someone who can "handle the cold" as he say it

But when you are too cold for too long you start to get hypothermia

At first it was just your skin being really red due to the cold

And other times he would find burn, but not burn made by heat, burn made by extreme cold

He understood it was really serious when your limb started to turn blue from the lack of heat, at any moment you could loose use of them and even then when kaeya proposed you a fire to sit by and a hot drink you refused

He insisted though, trying to coax you with charming words and all

But still, you stood your grounds

It doesn't mean he will let you hurt yourself, if his charms aren't doing the trick, holding you on a blanket to make a burrito out of said blanket with you inside will

He then place the burrito right in front of the fire, and, understanding that you weren't immune to the cold, just using it as a way of self harm, he will from then on check on you and won't let you go to a cold place like dragon spine alone

It's quite the hard way to ensure your security but he cares and that's what matter

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Venti :

As far as venti could remember being with you, he always saw you playing with scissors, blade and sharps tools all the time

He thought it was just an habit you took with wielding your weapon all the time on adventure or just to occupy your hand

And the new cuts on your skin were just accident, after all playing with blades mean you can get cut from time to time

And since he is talking almost non stop he almost never hear the whimpers of pain you let out from time to time

Until it was the anniversary of the death of his long lost dear friend

For the whole day it was rare for him to say anything, and he didn't reacted much either, he looked like a shell of himself

But still, as always, you played with a blade, this time a knife you found laying around or maybe a dagger rosaria gave you for your own birthday

And today venti was clingy, staying at your side at all cost, one leg thrown over yours, he could almost sit on your lap at this point

And when the blade cut you skin, you couldn't back down the little sound you emitted, almost mute

But venti heard

He looked at your wrist and saw le blade was pressed against you wrist

He then realized that all you previous cut were way too clean to be just accident

Each time they were on purpose

And this time weren't an exception

When you noticed venti was looking you froze, not wanting to alarm him more

Gently his hand took knife/dagger from yours, setting it as far as possible

He kissed the freshly made wound, and all the other who left scars on your skin before holding you quite close to him

"no playing with blades from now on, it's an order from the all mighty lord barbatos, he decided you must live, and give him affection, now go on"

It may looks like he was playing, but the sound of his voice was sad

You better give him his affection before he start pouting though

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Xiao :

Xiao doesn't know how a human being is supposed to take care of themselves

He know they need to eat, sleep, and be entertained, but he doesn't know how much they need each thing

That's why he doesn't see the problem when you started to starve youself on purpose, not because you wanted to loose weight, but because in a way, not eating was a way to maintain control over your life, at least in your mind, even if you were in constant pain from the lack of food and more tired

Xiao genuinely thought that just eating a bowl of almond tofu with him from time to time was enough for you to live

But that's until you really wanted to go and see parts of liyue that are difficult to access because of the high montains and you brought xiao along

During the ascension you felt weak, it's been at least 2 or 3 days you haven't eating because xiao didn't either

And the final stretch where you escalated the last peak where when all your strength gave up on you

You fell of the montains while screaming, fortunately xiao manage to catch you before you even reached the ground

Under the shock you said nothing, obly gripping quite hardly xiao's neck

He tried to put you down but you immediately fell, your legs giving up on you

Finding you state quite concerning he immediately brought you to madame ping, even if it meant going to liyue harbor

She quickly examined you and eclared you weren't sick, but you were still in pretty bad conditions without eating for says straight

Xiao wanted to tell you how worried he was and how humans are weak and how starving yourself in hope of being thinner was stupid, but seeing your face he knew it wasn't for these reasons, you were doing it to punish yourself fir something, you were hurting yourself voluntarily and you didn't gained anything from it

Instead of telling you how stupide you were, he just hugged you

From then on he came one tile each morning, each lunch time and each evening making sure you ate something, yes even if you weren't hungry, and yes even if that's only a small portion of food

Xiao in my opinion can't cook for the life of him so instead he ask yanxiao or cloud retainer to make you food

He even brought one time to eat with the fellow blue adepti, hoping her appetite would encourage you to eat along

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lisa :

Lisa is someone who love to sleep or take a nap

And for a long time she insisted for the two of you to take nap together after your afternoon tea

While she layed down next to you and fell asleep you usually sneak around the library to read whatever you wanted and cale back before she wake up

At night, in the confort of your shared home, you usually only slept an hour of two

You weren't an insomniac, you just forced yourself to stay awake

You called it being productive and a night owl

Professional would have called that retarding the next day to gain control over your life

And more commonly people called that self harm but in a passive way

Lisa didn't noticed for a long time

The long time it needed for your body to not be able to stand anymore with only coffee and so little sleep

One second lisa was talking, her back facing you

The second you fell on the ground with a loud thud and she ran to where you were

She brought you to barbara in the church, where you were declared sleep deprived and that's why your body collapsed like this

Lisa was genuinely concerned but a bit mad at herself too, how could she not notice the way you lived was unhealthy when she lived with you

You slept for almost 24 hours which was concerning in itself but you body needed it

When you woke up lisa came quickly before hugging yiu as if her life depended on it

Frol then on she forced you to lay down and close your eyes, and would let herself fall asleep only if she kbew you were too

You two could only hope it won't lead to the both of you being sleep deprived

~hope you'll like it~

🌸Request are open🌸

[dreaminginvelaris]

A Response to a Feyre Anti

I made a post recently explaining the dread of having to watch Feyre be abused by her sisters and father, in the Tv adaption. And a Feyre anti made a response, to something that should not be criticized at all considering what I said was just the truth? Feyre was abused. Not only that but they went on and completely twisted the narrative to fit their own ideas and in the process made Feyre out to be cruel and Nesta a saint. complete bull.

I will not be tagging the anti bc they have me blocked (shocker), but also I do not want anyone to go after them, if you come across the post, I don't want it to be through me. it's as much respect I can give to them.

I usually do not respond to those who have something to say with a post of mine or are blatantly talking about me on their blog, unless they're just spreading absolute lies about me or what i "said", it's usually a waste of time to do so. but this post attacked Feyre with outrageous lies and a complete backward interpretation of what actually happened in acotar, so as respectful as I can be, I will be analyzing the anti-response and what truly happened in acotar.

"the audience will only see two sisters fighting-not abuse" "it’s not Nesta you need to worry about. It’s audiences calling Feyre a big dumbass and a bitch" -from anti

if the audience has basic human compassion and empathy for humans IRL or fictional, they will see what's obvious from the start. Feyres abuse. how is it going to look, when they see Feyre walking through the woods, shaking from the cold, starving from hunger, and struggling to find food for her family? only to later see Nesta's treatment of Feyre?"

in the anti's post, they said Feyre was just as "heinous" to Nesta.

is Feyre the one calling Nesta a pig? a smelly pig? ordering her to take her clothes off?

no, it's not, it's dear Nesta. the text goes as "I took my time, swallowing the words I wanted to bark at her" oh yes... how cruel of Feyre. how heinous of Feyre to...stay quiet... at the verbal abuse.

in the same image we see Feyre ask Nesta to do something (kindly might I add) and then inquire why she didn't chop wood like she needs to.

what does Nesta do? acts like a brat and insults Feyre...once again.

considering I'm going off by the story and not the actual screenplay, and assuming they stay true to the story; will the audience not be disgusted by Nesta's behavior? I mean they just saw Feyre struggle to find food and they expect Feyre to go home to a family happy and appreciative of Feyre but instead, they get this familial abuse.

the anti said Feyre basically tells Nesta this:

"If you keep bitching at everyone like this no one will want to be around you or you can’t marry this guy because you’re a waste of space to me"

but what do we see?

"Believe me... the day you want to marry someone worthy, I'll march up to his house and hand you over. But you're not going to marry Tomas."

the word worthy, did that not catch your eye? Feyre said Nesta will have to marry someone worthy, someone, who will treat Nesta kindly and give her the life Feyre thinks her sisters deserve. bc Feyre does think that IDK why anti feyres think Feyre despised Nesta so much, Feyre loved her sisters.

what the anti fails to realize here is that Nesta marrying Tomas would have been actually pretty great for Feyre. in the sense that, Feyre would no longer carry the burden of her sister. Feyre would not have to worry about feeding one more mouth. or worrying about Nesta's constant stealing of Feyre's money. Feyre does not think Nesta is a "waste of space" to her, if she did, it would have been easy for Feyre to discard Nesta, and allow her to marry Tomas. the anti has that twisted.

but that is not even the worst part of the scene. did you see the shameless slut-shaming that came out of Nesta's mouth? how will the audience take to that? do you think most of the younger generation will take it lightly to see a sister slut-shame a sister? a woman putting down another woman? in this social climate? where the feminism movement is alive and flourishing. will they be okay with it? will they still blame Feyre and be mad at her the way the anti says they will be? I hope not otherwise I'm losing faith in humanity.

Lovely words Nesta spews at Feyre. I admit Feyre should have told her then and there that Tomas is abusive. but let's think: Feyre is 19 years old, the youngest, has never had any raising by a parental figure, has been neglected by her whole family, where would Feyre learn to calmly talk to an overgrown brat like Nesta? Feyre telling Nesta who Tomas truly is the duty of a parent, not a sister. I will not condemn Feyre for not knowing that was the perfect time to tell Nesta who Tomas is. especially when Feyre is being tormented and verbally/emotionally abused, its kinda hard to think about something else while you're being told all these horrible words. to us its easy to see where Feyre went wrong but unless you're in the exact position Feyre was in. no one has any room to talk. and even then, every person is different in situations like these.

this part was me analyzing the interactions between Feyre and Nesta since anti had reasons to believe Feyre was just as bad to Nesta and that the audience would see that and hate Feyre. I am now going to respond to the second part of the Feyre Anti's response.

"How will an audience of non-fans react to her not reaching out to her family to tell them she was okay after the reconciliation between her and Nesta? Or not inviting them to the wedding?"- from anti

moving onto acomaf now.

Idk maybe the audience will see Feyre, a depressed, lonely, individual in an abusive relationship while being manipulated by other individuals she called friends, and understand and empathize with her. all throughout the beginning and half of acomaf, Feyre is in critical depression. she wholeheartedly believes she should not be alive. that she is not worthy. she doesn't eat, all she does is sleep, self-care is not important to her or others so why would letting a family know she's okay, a family who BARELY ever cared about her, be a priority? it doesn't seem like Nesta or elain or her father was really fazed by Feyre's lack of communication. her father left on a trip, elain got engaged and Nesta, well we didn't see a tearful welcoming to Feyre on Nesta's part did we?

anti, where is the outcry of her "family" not even really caring if Feyre was safe or not, of what happened to her? it's not like they thought she had died, otherwise, where was the mourning or funeral? no, they just didn't care.

see this is where I know when anti is just full of bullshit. why, WHY, would Feyre invite her family to wedding full of fae? the creatures elain and Nesta fear and hate? for all the talk many anti's spew about Feyre being inconsiderate to Nesta, to her family, you would think Feyre maybe just knows a fae wedding would be the last thing they would want? even then, does Feyre owe them an invitation to her wedding? does she owe them an update on her life? nope. Feyre owed them nothing.

"How about her shit-talking Nesta to a bunch of strangers then having the audacity to ask her to get involved in a war. Oh! This is after she comes into her house and insults their hospitality." - from anti

I hardly think Feyre confiding in individuals who she learned to care about and laying out all the trauma Feyre endured with her family is "shit-talking" but for argument's sake, let's say it is. I still don't see what's wrong? after years of pent-up anger and hurt, would you not let go of everything you withheld inside and explain what was done to you? how you felt? Feyre telling the IC her life story, which contains Nesta's abuse and her family's neglect, was a form of therapy for Feyre. I never read a line where Feyre calls Nesta a "cold-hearted bitch" or called elain "a lazy ditz" she just said the truth. no added embellishments. Cassian was the one who shit-talked Nesta during the dinner scene, never Feyre.

I still don't understand why antis are so against Feyre asking her sisters for help? like the war didn't involve them? they're humans, and you know what the war was about? Hybern wanting to take control of the human lands like they once did and turn them into slaves. those humans included Nesta and elain.

"They could have left the continent" correct, except elain was engaged and refused to leave Grayson. which meant Nesta refused to leave elain. but even so, isn't it the duty of humans to band together and work to overthrow a race of people who want to torture and keep them as slaves? the queens certainly weren't doing their jobs. Feyre asked to use "their" house to meet the queens bc where else would they do it? the queens trust the fae less than Nesta or elain did. but even so, Feyre asking to use their house was a courtesy, that house is rightfully Feyre's. she is the one who sacrificed herself to leave with Tamlin. she did it bravely, courageously, and they got that house thanks to her. they owed Feyre everything. and the only one who acknowledged that was Elain.

that war involved elain and Nesta whether they or Feyre or the anti's liked it or not. not even considering that Nesta and elain are Feyre Archerons sisters, yeah, their family name alone puts a target on their back.

How did Feyre or the court insult Elain's and Nesta's hospitality? You mean when Feyre realized human food differed from fae food? something she did not know about bc she's barely been turned to fae and only had eaten fae dishes? Feyre's grimace towards the human food was an involuntary reaction to someone who is still learning their new body. or was it when Cassian called out Nesta for her cold treatment towards Feyre? if that's the case then fuck decency, I would call out a fake bitch in my presence from minute one. you cant call what Nesta did "hospitality" when all she did was insult Feyre when she didn't even care that Feyre had died, or lost her love bc of abuse, or that her body was changed against her will.

hospitality: the friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors, or strangers.

did y'all read something different bc this for sure was nothing Nesta gave to her guests?

----

the rest of the anti post moves towards Rhysand and his actions UTM which I won't go into because I'm mainly just addressing the false interpretations this anti had to say about Feyre and her family.

I'm not sure how to sign off now lol, but I guess just that I hope this was enough to show how this anti's arguments were completely ludicrous and have absolutely no compassion for Feyre, and instead all the compassion for Feyre's abusers. This anti had a real spin on what the actual story was, and I hope the evidence I provided was enough to show that. Anyways yeah my brain is fried, and I'm done arguing with Feyre anti's for a while now, I need to go praise my queen Feyre so I can receive some semblance of peace.

anyways, stan Feyre for clear skin xx

[golbrocklovely]

look guys, i'm posting this before the next episode ! lol

anyways, here's my review/reaction to snc's fifth video in season two

aka "The Scariest Night of My Life."

so going into this episode, i was very excited. not only bc snc had been hyping it up for so long on both their social medias and xplrclub, but also bc i wanted to see what freaked colby out so much that he apparently cried. he had kinda told us on xplrclub that a door slammed shut in front of him, but i didn't imagine what that might actually look like.

and ngl, i was really intrigued by the idea of colby crying. i know, kinda fucked up but let's be honest we ALL wanted to know lol

the beginning of the video, starting it off by showing part of the clip that they posted at the end of last week's video and also on twitter was really cool. that being said, idk why they didn't include the WHOLE clip, like the one they posted on twitter, in the video. from the quick glance at the comments under the video, there are some ppl that legit don't believe that door shut on it's own. they think colby shut it and just… freaked out and pretended to be scared. if snc had included the whole clip, i think ppl would have saw that colby was legit having a panic attack, and no offense to colby, i don't think he's that good of an actor.

but i'm getting ahead of myself.

the intro to the video was really fun, and i think the little bits of positivity (the animals and just snc and seth's general banter with each other) are a nice way to calm things down when stuff starts to get a bit weird. colby chasing alice around just bc he wants to pet her was honestly a highlight for me. that poor man needs a dog asap.

also, slight tangent but it needs to be mention: colby looked so fine in this video. him in flannel just… gets to me sksksks

so the story behind the murder and what happened at this house was very interesting. i love that when they were telling the story, colby was surprised that the man killed his wife in the morning. he does know that ppl can get killed in the morning, right? haha

i think one of the interesting things about this house, is while it was abandoned for 17 years, it looks like no one lived in it prior to that. it's very strange how both kept up and not it looks. also the outside of it… straight out of a horror movie. i always wonder about these houses, like did the previous owners experience haunted shit too, or is it only recent shit started happening. and i didn't go into this in the previous video, but david, their tour guide… i love him. his accent is just chef's kiss. i love a good southern accent and his was so THICK.

i'm still having a hard time accepting portals and that ghosts/spirits travel from one place to another. the cemetery/funeral home across the street, while it's interesting to think there are ghost coming from there to this house, i just… can't accept. idk. maybe it's just cause there are just so many questions that brings up then. like, are all portals connected together? where's the other portal in the house? if all portals are connected together, why don't spirits just go to some place with more energy than there? are some spirits not strong enough to move thru? there's just too many possibilities. i would also love to know if snc believe in these portals too, or if they just entertain them in videos.

i find it kinda cool that even before they started the investigation, they were getting things in the house and outside by the funeral home. the noises while telling the story of what happened in the house, the k2 going off (poor alice) and the door slamming when they went down the servant's stairs… that really was a warning to what was gonna happen tonight lol

before snc and seth even started the investigation, they were saying some very quotable things that i just want to point out for funsies

sam: this is not the right time to wear skinny jeans colby: hey that's my line :(

colby: we're gonna get asbestos…. is that something you can get?

sam: everyone knows about my ass seth: ….everyone?

ALSO, this is my PLEA to you all to go read the news article snc made for this video. honest to god, i cried laughing reading it. it's probably one of the funniest things i've read.

moving onto the investigation:

finding out that a lot of those noises could have been the cats in that room is silly. i don't think every noise was the cats. but, the little break to go play with the cats… that was adorable. colby was literally having the time of his life. you know how buzzfeed does those interviews with celebs and they play with puppies? please someone set that up for colby.

also, love that the boys got another ad deal. good for them. and that nitted sweatshirt colby had on…. where are the clothes like that, fanjoy?

all of them separating, while great for content, always ends up with one of them basically shitting themselves bc of how scared they get lol i like in the beginning, seth and sam are getting the most freaked out, while colby is kinda just there. i usually don't like the ovulus, just bc i feel like it doesn't usually work, but this time it def was. i personally think some of their better investigations always include seth bc spirits are just attracted to him in a similar way they are to colby.

sam trying to find the doll in the dark was hilarious to me. this man ALWAYS uses a flashlight when he's not supposed to, but this is the one time he didn't???? and also sam… the medium said not to touch it. this iS WHY YOU GET ATTACHMENTS :\

fun fact, i caught something whistling at colby before he went into bernard's room. it's around the 29:26 mark or a little after. colby had no reaction, so clearly he didn't hear it for some reason even tho it's so loud. when i posted the clip on twitter, i got a couple ppl saying it was the cats, which i don't think it was bc what cat fucking whistles?? and also colby, any time the cats made noise, pointed out it was the cats. so if it was them, he would have said something.

so, the door closing on colby… that was insane. you know what was even weirder, was the fact he asked the question, waited and then went "huh." like he KNEW it was gonna shut or felt like it was. our baby is empathic and the fact that he's only NOW coming to accept it is infuriating, but better late than never. anyways, i hated seeing him upset like that. that poor baby was having a full blown breakdown and he was all alone :( i really just wanted to reach thru the screen and hug him.

and then the fact that sam felt something whisper in his ear, i can only imagine how fucking scary that was. but how come footage always gets deleted when sam is doing something lol

when they all met up and started doing the investigation in the house, the flashlight session they had was actually kinda cool. clearly whatever was in this house really wanted to communicate with colby bc it was really answering him with the flashlights. and going back into bernard's room was so brave of him bc if a door randomly slammed on me i wouldn't be back in that HOUSE let alone the room.

i'm happy they did the estes method here. i do find it interesting that they didn't use colby for the estes method. but seth is definitely a better fit since he's able to tap into the emotions of the spirits in most places.

colby knowing to put the camera in bernard's room while they did the estes method was so smart of him, bc if it would have shut again without anyone seeing it, ppl would have thought they did it or had someone do it. the door slamming shut on camera… wow. that was honestly the most insane thing they've caught on camera in a while. and seeing colby literally giddy with excitement that he was right and that they caught that on camera.... yall don't understand. when they implied "bro it's like you knew to do that" i was basically screaming at my laptop like NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT

overall, i think this episode was a 4.8/5. seriously. i loved this video. i was entertained the whole time, and i got legitimately anxious a couple times. i think the video would have been a bit better if snc and seth wouldn't have fallen down the rabbit whole conspiracy theory that the husband was possessed and that's why he killed his wife. while that's a fun theory for a movie, i don't really think that fits well irl. but other than that, i genuinely enjoyed how this played out. i hope that next week video is good, bc so far i've been liking what they're putting out.

[marquez-junky8920]

Hi there, I wanna request angst one shot with Fabio, please! Basically the plot is more towards those who argue bcs Fabio always prioritizes Tom even when Sierra really needs Fabio. Thank you!

Not Meant To Be

(I may or may not have cried writing this. It was so hard to make him the bad guy! 😭)

Scenario 1 - Bad Day

Today had been the worst day. Your boss was hounding you at work to get things done that you had no business doing, the phone was ringing off the hook, and you had a horrendous headache. At about 7:30pm, you headed home. That fact pissing you off even more, as you should've left at 3:00pm when your usual shift was up. You felt like crying and just laying in bed with Fabio while he held you and let you cry. You called him on your way home to tell him that you had a terrible day, and he was very sympathetic to that - offering his help in whatever way he could. However, when you got home, his best friend Tom was there and they were zoned out playing video games. They were so loud and rambunctious that Fabio didn't even hear you come through the door and toss your keys on the table. Too tired to even give a shit anymore, you walked to the bedroom to change clothes and go to sleep. Alone.

-

Scenario 2 - Birthday

"Are you kidding me Fabio? You missed my birthday to go have drinks with fucking Tom?" you shouted, looking at him sitting on the bed.

"I didn't know it was going to be this big of a deal!" he argued back, watching you grab your own hair and take a deep breath so that you wouldn't explode and say something you didn't mean.

"A big deal? Have I ever missed a single birthday, anniversary, or championship for you? To go have drinks with friends? No, because I know those things are a big deal to you. Why don't you do the same for me?" you asked, voice cracking at the end. He really hurt you this time by not caring or thinking about how it would effect you.

"Look, I'm sorry okay? I fucked up and I'm sorry, Sierra. I don't know what I was thinking and I should've been here for you." he said, standing up from his spot on the bed to come and hug you.

"Do you have any idea how much it hurt to have to tell my family that my boyfriend ditched me to go have drinks with his friend over me?" you cried, voice softer now as he held you.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I put you through that. I'm so sorry that I hurt you, my love." he pleaded, hugging you a bit tighter now.

-

Things got a little better after that conversation. He didn't miss your birthday the next year, no missed anniversary, and he was there a lot more. Until he wasn't and he changed.

Scenario 3 - The Last Straw

"How are you honey?" your dad asked, both of your faces emotionally exhausted from the recent loss of your mother. Cancer is a bitch.

"I'm fine." you said shortly, tears pricking your eyes as you looked at your dad.

"How are you really?" he asked once more, getting up from his spot on your couch to come cradle you in his arms as you sobbed uncontrollably.

"I know. I know." he said, trying to hold back his own tears to be strong for you.

"Why did this happen to us? We're good people dad! Why is this happening?" you cried through your sobs, heart pounding in your chest and your head throbbing.

You stayed with your dad for a few days to mourn, grief, and attend the funeral, then had to head back home to Fabio in Andorra. Which you were excited for because he had been there recently as you were going through the motions of your mother's cancer diagnosis.

"Fabio! I'm home!" you shouted, rolling your suitcase to the bedroom and walking through the apartment to search for him.

"Fabio?" you shouted once more only to be met with dead silence. You pulled out your phone and texted him.

Sierra: 3:43 pm

Where are you? I just got home.

Fab❤️: 3:55 pm

I'm out with Tom. I'll be back in an hour.

That... That right there was the last straw for you. You didn't even respond to him because you were being torn apart from the inside out right now. Your boyfriend, your world, and your rock was abandoning you. Choosing his friends over you. It all became too much for you too quickly. Your heart rate increased and you felt like you couldn't breathe. You slid down the wall in the bedroom and just sobbed as loud as you could. You were honestly surprised that the neighbors didn't hear you. Curling into a ball on the floor and crying, sobbing, hysterical seemed to be how a lot of your life was lately. Between ups and downs in your relationship and having to deal with going home for your mom's cancer treatments, you were physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. Picking yourself up off the floor after about 30 minutes, you stopped your tears and knew what you had to do. It was for your own sake.

Going into the closet, you pulled out every bag and suitcase you could find and began packing your things. Pictures, clothes, shoes, everything. All the memories you made together, all the inside jokes you had together, all of the screams, cries, and tears that were shed in this apartment - all of it meant nothing now. You were emotionally checked out, and once you hit that point, it's over. You knew yourself too well.

As you were packing your last suitcase with your clothes from the dresser, you heard the front door open and close. Fabio was home.

"Sierra? I'm home bab-... What is this?" he asked, looking at all of your packed bags on the bedroom floor.

"I'm done. I'm moving out." you said quietly and in such a numb voice that you didn't even recognize yourself.

"Why? Ra, talk to me." he said, walking towards you to take the clothes out of your hands and stand in front of you. Not in an intimidating way, but in a caring way.

"Talk to you? How can I do that when you're out with Tom all the time?" you said lowly, eyes casting upwards to look at him, and seeing Tom standing in the doorway of the bedroom.

"Can you give us a bit?" Fabio asked, ushering Tom out of the room as he shut the door behind him.

"Is this why you're packing your bags?" Fabio asked.

"Isn't it blatantly obvious? Fabio, my mother just died! And I come home from going through that, which you know damn well was difficult, and you're out fucking off with Tom again! Do you know how that makes me feel? I feel like you're a different person. I don't know you anymore. You've become so entangled with going out with friends and partying, and I get left here alone to wonder if you even love me anymore. I can't do this anymore." you cried, putting your last shirt in your suitcase and zipping it up.

"That's really how you want to end this? By walking out and not fighting?" he asked, a dumbfounded look on his face. You slowly turned back to him and pointed your finger at him.

"Don't you fucking dare. I have fought ENDLESSLY to try and fix this with you over the past year, and you want to sit here and throw that in my face that I didn't try?" you shouted and walked closer to him and got face to face with him.

"Fuck you." you whispered in disgust, grabbing your purse and bringing your suitcases outside, slamming the apartment door behind you.

"Sierra, wait! Wait." you heard Tom shout.

"Not the time, Tom." you sighed, putting your suitcase in your car.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know you 2 were having issues. I would've never invited him to anything if I knew this is how you were feeling." he explained, extreme remorse coating his face.

"Don't worry about it. Our issues aren't yours and my issue isn't with you. It's with the man standing up in that apartment and watching his girlfriend walk out, yet not even having the balls to come out here and fight for her. I have no issue with you Tom." you said, offering him a friendly hug and thanking him for explaining.

"It's time for me to go. It's best for all of us." you said, smiling weakly at him as you got in your car and started the engine. As you drove, you felt nothing. No more tears to cry, no more anger to put on anyone, no more fucks to give. You called your dad.

"Hello?" he answered. As sure as you were that you had finished crying, his voice always bringing you a sense of security. You weren't afraid to let him see you breakdown.

"Daddy, I can't do it. I couldn't do it anymore." you cried.

"Do what? What happened?"

"Fabio and I are done. I came home from staying with you after the funeral, and he was out with his friends again when he told me he'd be there. He told me he'd be there and he wasn't." your lip quivered, teeth nipping at it to stop.

"God... How dare he? Are you coming home?" he asked, anger filling his voice at the thought of a man hurting his daughter.

"Can I?"

"Of course. The spare bedroom is free. You can stay there until you get on your feet again. Come home sweetie." he said, a sob falling from your lips in relief that you had family to support you.

"I'm on my way. I'll be there in about 2 hours." you said. "I love you dad."

"I love you too honey. I'll see you when you get here."

"Alright, bye." you said, hanging up the phone and focusing on driving. Looking back in your mirror, you saw the apartment. There goes your life.

-

2 months had passed by, and you were doing somewhat better. You were getting over the emotional trauma of your mother passing away so suddenly, and the anger and the pain from your breakup. Fabio on the other hand, was an emotional mess.

He had come to the realization very quickly at how royally he fucked up losing you and pushing you out. You were his biggest supporter in life. His biggest fan, his future wife, you were his. Only his. And he missed you so much that it physically hurt him to think about it. He hadn't spoken to Tom, or anyone for that matter, since the day you left. He was in such a deep depression that he didn't get out of bed for about a week. He would lay in the bed until the late hours of the night and think of you. You were like a snake that had entwined with his brain and his heart, and you were constricting them both to the point where he could think of nothing else but you. Sierra. His Sierra. His world. He spent countless nights crying himself to sleep, thinking of how stupid he'd been to not fix the issue when you first brought it up. Cried thinking of how you must've felt when you lost your mom and he wasn't there to hold you when you got back. Or when he missed your birthday. Or wasn't there to help after you'd had a bad day at work. He wasn't there. He left you alone and he felt the effects of it, because now his worst fear came true. He lost you, and he was without his world.

"Paper or plastic?" the cashier asked you.

"Paper please." you said politely, watching her check your grocery items. Looking around at all the activity in the store, you saw the unmistakable head of dirty blonde hair above one of the check-out aisles. Fabio...

"Go ahead and swipe your card ma'am." she said, snapping you back to reality. Swiping your card, you signed your name and grabbed your things to walk out to your car. You had hoped he wouldn't recognize you, but of course he did. How couldn't he?

"Sierra, wait!" you heard a shout from right outside the store, turning around to see Fabio jogging towards you.

"What do you want?" you asked, sounding as unamused as possible.

"I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for fucking us up and making you feel unwanted and unloved. No one deserves to feel like that, especially you." he said. You could see how distraught he was - bags under his eyes, the whites of his eyes bloodshot, and he looked exhausted.

"You're right. I don't deserve to feel unloved and unwanted." you said, shutting your car door after putting the bags in the back.

"Look, sorry isn't going to fix this Fabio. You had a million chances to back your sorry's up with actions, and you missed every single one of them. Your apologies are just empty words now. It's not my fight to fight anymore because I wasn't in the wrong. I've made peace with the fact that we aren't meant to be anymore, and I think it's time you do the same. Goodbye Fabio." you said, opening the drivers side door and closing it behind you.

He was speechless. He didn't expect you to be so... Okay. So okay with losing him and what you'd shared with him. But he didn't realize how when you drove away, you saw him crouch to the ground and cry. He didn't realize that you cried watching him in your rearview mirror as you drove away. He didn't realize how much you wanted to hug him and kiss him again - feel his touch again. He didn't realize how much you wanted to accept his apology and how at war you were with yourself to stay strong and not give in.

And he didn't realize that you still loved him. But you couldn't focus on that now. You had to focus on moving forward and not looking back. Even if you still loved him.

END

[totiredtowrite]

"Ｔｈｅ Ｒｅｖｅｒｅｎｄ"

Warnings - Religious themes

Note: Lowkey hate the minimalist pic for this one bc it's not how I think kita would look but whatever yk. This didn't feel very wild west-y, lowkey hate the fic too 🤨

FEM READERS (SHE/HER, SHE/THEY), DO NOT INTERACT

/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿

There are two sides to every coin.

This town is no exception. Tourists, visiting family or friends, people who just stop through, they only get one side of it. They get the kind people with bright eyes and even brighter smiles. They get the easygoing townsfolk who have absolutely nothing weird going on under the surface.

The reverend, on the other hand, gets the other side of that coin.

The church was put together. Well taken care of, cleaned regularly, polished and bright. The townsfolk, (aside from a few stragglers), came in on Sundays for the regular sermon, then they'd leave. Occasionally a funeral would be held there.

Of course, that wasn't all that happened. In fact it was far from it. Kita, working in arguably the most energy filled place in the whole damn town, has witnessed multiple things he wouldn't begin to explain. Birds who looked a little too human, whispering in the steeple, oddly quiet older women and men during Sunday service who he never sees again. He'd considered finding someone to work alongside him, though nobody was very willing.

At this point, he's just gotten used to it. And he's gotten used to you.

Hearing your voice in his head, seeing you prowling around his dreams, watching you occasionally lurk in the halls. Hell, he'll even say something back to you if your constant comments in his head about his 'stupid cross' got too annoying.

Not to say that he knows what you are though. What your name is, where you came from, if you're good or evil. He's just settled on neutral, much like an anarchist who would come through to say something about the church.

When it all started, he almost thought he was being punished for something. That some wayfaring god had sent you to torment him for the multitude of sins he's gathered during his day. Though, the longer it went on, the clearer it became that you were no lackey.

Tonight though, he could tell something was different. He could tell the moment you didn't disappear as he approached. You just kept sitting in his chair, feet propped up on his desk.

"What're ya doing here." He'd asked coldly. Kita hardly ever saw you. Usually you only showed in his dreams, or just as a disembodied voice in his head. When he did see you it was only for a couple seconds.

Your head shot up from the paper in your hands. (One that you clearly plucked from his desk). "Oh-! Hi father," you said, dragging out both of the words. Kita could already tell that this interaction was going to be hard to get through.

You, on the other hand, were elated. The cute human who you may or may not have a crush on is standing less than fifteen feet away from you, and you weren't booted back into the veil! Maybe today you could actually stay here.

Kita watched you pull your legs off of his desk, leaning forward to grip the edge of the chair visible between your thighs. The only reason why he wasn't startled or frozen at the moment was how...non threatening you looked to him. Maybe others would say otherwise, but he's seen you enough in his dreams or out of the corner of his eyes to be fine.

The abnormally large bat shaped ears jutting out from the sides of your head shifted with every expression you made, reflecting whatever you said. Two small horns, one larger than the other, grew out of your forehead. Aside from that and your weirdly glowy (e/c) eyes, you looked more human than he thought you'd be. Still, he could just feel that you weren't.

"Well," he sighed and leaned against the doorway. "Is there something you needed, demon?"

You gasped in faux offense, chuckling shortly after. "I'm not a demon, father," you rolled your eyes. "I'm more...meta human." You gave him a toothy smile.

His look didn't falter.

"Right," you deflated at his lack of interest in your antics, dragging out the word. "I jus' wanted to see you."

That caught him off guard, his hand instinctively reaching to the cross strung around his neck. "For what reason," he started slowly.

"Mm I dunno," you gave him another insufferable smile, "Maybe I jus' really like cute humans with grey hair."

He still looked far from impressed. "Well, leave," he said.

You looked shocked for a moment. You knew he was blunt but you didn't think he would just straight up tell you to leave. You shuffled awkwardly in his chair. "You don' wanna learn about me? N'my kind n stuff," you nervously trailed off.

He sighed heavily, dragging his large, well worked hand through his cropped hair. "No, I do not. Unless you've got something important to tell me, or show me, I do not need you here."

Your ears drooped a bit. You don't know why you thought this would actually go anywhere. The longer you watched him, the more you built up this image of how it would be in your head. You'd meet, he'd fall head over heels for you, you'd be 'stuck' in this realm, an adventure would ensue, and eventually it'd end with you staying and getting married to him.

Childish, sure. Childish and rather stupid, but oh well right? As it turns out, you were far less charming to him than he was to you.

He turned to leave. He hadn't anything important to do in his office anyways, though now he just wanted to head home. "Wait!" You called.

Kita could make out the sound of his chair being pushed out as you stood up. He paused, giving you a brief invitation to say what you wanted to say. "Can you just give me a chance! Please? I'll be good, promise," you nervously tugged on your larger horn.

He looked down, eyes closing. "A chance for what."

You ignored how it sounded more like a demand than a question. "I dunno! Just hangin around? I'll even work at the church! Just let me stay with you, only for a week!"

He perked up at your offer to work at the church. Turning around, he finally looked you dead in the eye. "Only if you work."

A smile split your face, head nodding up and down feverishly.

No way in hell was this a good idea, but at least he could keep an eye on you.

~

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