#Whatever the heck toni and fangs are called

[featherwriterweather]

Fiesty will get burned Sweat pea/Reader (Y/N) smut warning

Its been a rough two weeks since the Southside Serpents joined Riverdale high. But we all got used to it. The Bulldogs stopped harrasing them, the Serpents laid back and Midge was finally laid to rest with her real murderer in prison.

Toni, a Serpent girl who I befrended the first day they came in school, was sitting next to me in the school lounge. We were casually talking as usual with Betty and Ronni. Soon after Cheryl joined us and we couldn’t help but gossip around the Vixens and the latest dating rumours. The bell rang and the usual gang of boys with Serpent tattoes came our way. 

Jug was talking with Archie, while Fangs and Sweet pea went for a hot cup of coffee from the machine behind me.

“When are you reptiles going to learn that you can’t be eyeing down our girls?” Reggie Mantle, in his full shine, blurted out.

“What the hell is your problem, Mantle?” Sweat Pea replied, his big body ready for a fight.

“I saw you eyeing this bimbo out” Reggie said pointing his head towards me. Sweat pea was all well familiar with my name as he usually saw me hanging all day with Toni. 

“First, do not call her anything else but her name, and second, what’s the problem if I was?” he said.

“First, this asshole Foggarty was screwing Midge, and now you think you can screw another of our own?” With this words that Reggie had spoken I had had it.

“Listen you testosterone filled dickheads, I am not a piece of meat you can fight over. Lay off Mantle, screw you and your stupid Buldog shit, he can do whatever he wants.” I heard Sweat pea chuckle so I turned to him “And you arogant jackass, don’t think we all girls fall in your feet cause you’re tall and got some looks going on. We’re not that blind!” I finished off proud of myself and the shoked looks I had brought to their faces. Everyone around us, especially the Serpents, cheered me for this comment. Fangs was uncontrollably laughing behind Sweet pea's shoulder.

“Well, we have to admit you are some Serpent lady material. No one has put Sweat pea on his place that good so far.” Toni said smirking at me from her place she took next to me.

“Nor has had the balls to talk to a Serpent like you did! Watch it!” Sweat pea shortened the distance between us so I was directly looking at his face literally breathing my air in his lips.

“For sure these balls are bigger than yours, Sweat pea!” I smartmouthed him,which earned me more Serpent cheers and toast in the air from Toni and her coffee cup.

“Wanna bet on it?!” He casually laughed and raised his eyebrow at me.

“If you want to make me laugh, go ahed!” I sad 

“Oh, you are fiesty one, aren’t you? I will make you scream under me!” he said so sure in himself.

“For help, you mean? Yeah, probably!” I laughed daring him to close the distance even more. I started to like this little competition we had on who will come up with more bitter comment.

“Alright, you two. If you’re gonna fuck, take it to somewhere private. We want to study here so let’s go!” Ronni had interviened to stop us from ripping each other after Reggie left the room with disgusted look on his eyes. But I can assure you, the other Serpents loved the show.

The rest of the day went pretty boring. The classes were boring, so were the homeworks and the project. Me and Toni were texting all the time. She was going back and forth how she still couldn’t believe I put Sweat pea to his place.

As I was walking out the doors towards the lot, I saw his sitting on his bike waiting for someone. 

“Hey,fiesty girl!” He said when he saw me nearing him.

“What the heck do you want now, Sweat pea?” I asked as I was trying to pass him by and go to my car.

“We didn’t finish our earlier conversation. I thought you had more to say about me and my balls.” he smirked with his hands crossed in front of his chest, making it look even more muscular. I had to admit I had definitely laid eyes on him, even if Reggie was exaggerating and he did not eye me out.

“I’ve got a lot more to say if you are ready to hear it. But I’ll save it to myself. I don’t wanna hurt this little Serpent bad boy impersonator’s ego.” I said lightly patting on his chest while trying to walk away.

“Not so fast! You got my interest. Wanna go for a drive?” he said holding my hand firmly, not letting me go.

“Where are you going to take me? By the river where you plan on drawning me because I got the balls to tell you to shut the fuck up? And let me remind you that I am pretty sure my balls are bigger than yours.” I snapped back trying to yank my hand form him.

“I don’t plan on killing you. That would mean I will not see your pretty face again. Who would smartmouth me then? But I do have the intention of making you scream, as I said earlier.” he laughed out as he started the engine of his bike and shoved the helmet in my hand. “Hop on!” 

I debate for a little with myself. I had interest in this ball of rage since he entered the school. As time went on and the more I hung with Toni, the more I learned that he is not that bad at all. At least I got that his honor sense was much bigger than the one any other dickhead at our age had. 

“Well, are you coming?” He asked smiling, ready to drive off.

“I better be coming or you are going to be sorry for making me do this”I said as I hopped on the bike behind him.

“You never miss a change to out smart my words” He roared the machine “I have the full intention of making you come, at least a couple of times.” he added, underlining the word “come” with his tone as we drove off. 

The ride was joyful but pretty soon I found myself in fron of his trailer. He stopped the engine and I got off. I gave him back the helmet. He set it down and got off the bike himself. Then we walked to the front door in complete and utter silence. He unlocked the door painfully slow to me and let me go inside first. I took a look around and turned only to find him towering me with his tall figure. I didn’t say a word nor did he. By that time we had said it all. We got the idea of what we both wanted to do with the other and so did our peers, as it seemed.

I slowly walked a few steps closer to him and I pushed his Serpent jacked off his broad shoulders. He smirked and took off his grey tee over his head revealing to me his muscular chest. I looked him from head to toe and touched his chest with my hand slowly. It made him not move an inch. I bit my lower lip and looked him straight in the eye. “Are you going to kiss me or you are going to stay here half naked the entire time?” I sad pushing myself into him.

“Not another invitation is needed, fiesty.” he answered as he closed the distance between us. His lips met mine and it all went blank. Clothes were flying everywhere around his kitchen. He reached slowly for under my bum and lifted me up to put me on the countertop. The cold tiles met my naked thighs. His lips were trailing kisses down my neck making me gasp for air with each kiss.

“Aren’t you a little too dressed for this, boy?” I asked undoing his belt and then his jeans. He didn’t respond. He was too busy taking off my underwear, letting it join the pile of clothes next to the table. He pushed down his jeans and his big and rock hard dick was exposed in front of me.

“What are you gonna say now, ha? Last chance to back out or else you will scream my name by the end of it.” he said all the while touching my already wet folds.

“I am not scared of you, Pea. Show me what you got. Prove me I was wrong.” I dared him.

Slowly he closed all space between us as he entered me in one move. How good it felt! His hands held my thighs and he started pulling out and pushing back inside making me whimp and moan loudly in his ear while he was kissing my neck. His breaths were deep and quick. His mouth eventually found its way to my breast, sucking and kissing on the skin. It made me throw my head back in pleasure. 

Again in one easy motion, he picked me up again and moved me to the table. My legs wrapped around his torso to bring him even closer, if that was any possible. His trusts were getting quicker by the minute, making me slowly loose control. His lips found its way back mine and started playing dangerous game of biting and sucking.

“Girls who play with fire get their fingers burned” he wispered in my ear as he continued to pound in and out with deep trusts inside me.

“What make you think I don’t like to play with fire,ha? Maybe I will burn you more than you will burn me!” I said.

He pulled out of me and took my hand to pull me up in front of him. After that he turned me around and gently pushed me forward so I rested my palms on the surface of the table. He entered me from his position behind me and resumed fucking me hard one more time. 

“You’re dripping wet, you know that? It drives me fucking crazy how wet I made you. I bet you can feel how big my balls are now. Do you have anything to say?” he hissed in my neck.

“Yes, I have. Shut up and make me feel those balls! I wanna be wet just by thinking of you and it’s not going to happen if you continue to talk.” I told him bending over a little bit more to grant him more access to me.

My moans were becoming uncontrollable by the second and so were his. I was already shaking under him as he grabbed me by the hair, gently pulling on it. 

“Are you close, my fiesty girl? I can feel you getting tighter. Cum for me. I want to feel you. Scream for me as you let go. I want to hear you.” I obeyed him. I nodded my head and leaned back into him giving in completely to the sensation of my hard orgasm rocking my body. My muscles trembled and I pressed myself further into him as his name slipped off my lips. I felt him smile at the crook of my neck as he let out deep throated moan and let himself cum as well. 

We were sweating and still trembling from the sex we just had. But he didn’t miss the chance to remind me what I had said. 

“So, fiesty! What do you have to say now? I didn’t hear you scream for help. I heard you screaming for me not to stop and my name, as well. I guess I was right.” he said as he leaned back at the counter after he had put his boxers on. 

We both knew it wasn’t going to be just a hook up fight. It all went on from there with me puting him in his place after which I was always shown what I can get if I ask politely. But to ask politely for a booty call from Sweet pea is never as fun. 

I went right up to him after I put on my panties as well and pressed my body into his. “Shut the fuck up! Do you ever stop being so cocky? Bite your tongue and kiss me.” I ordered as I pulled his head down to meet my lips. He snaked his hand around my waist pulling me closer to him and giving in the kiss. 

When I went into his bathroom to refresh myself after our little fiasko, I looked into the mirror and saw two big black purple hickeys on my neck. He made sure it would be visible for everyone the next day that he had proven me wrong and I learned my lesson. Oh, boy! He was in trouble and so was I.

[riverdale-retread]

Riverdale S4 E17 (The Hedwig Episode) (Spoilers)

Jughead says a shocking thing at the start of this episode: At its heart, Riverdale was and is, a wicked little town.   He’s just so worn out he doesn’t even believe in Riverdale is Good anymore.  He’s also given to hyperbole:  Evils of Stonewall Prep had been vanquished.  (I mean was the whole school truly evil or just the nutty kids who want to write crime fiction?)   The fates are vicious and they’re cruel, sings Betty, but here the fates = the makers of Riverdale and this is their mission statement. 

The whole town is shown freaking out about the voyeur video tapes.  At the diner are SWEET PEA and REGGIE and FANGS and KEVIN (and also Tom Keller but I’ll allow it) and so these four hang out at Pop’s together and feel at home there.  I mean,  because I know this is Jellybean I’m finding this retroactively very funny like, this one bratty weird Jones kid is freaking out literally every single person with a name in Riverdale.  Including Hiram Lodge!

Hiram is working out too much and almost injures himself.  And Archie is not good at keeping confidences, and lets Hiram know that Veronica told her boyfriend about Hiram’s so called illness. 

Betty is in the I am Superior To Jughead And Better Than Him At School mode again, and she’s so comfortable and happy here.  She’s put in a lot of work - taken on, as though she was his parent  and he was a struggling student, the project of getting him ‘make up’ assignments that he finds clearly very tedious and borderline insulting to think about.  Do note, that Jughead is not behind in school - he’s being subjected to bureaucratic vengeance by Stonewall Prep. But Betty likes to think this about Jughead, that he’s behind when she knows she’s valedictorian, so we’re going with this.

Jughead is not only off Riverdale but he’s off school, because he’s heartbroken, and his girlfriend’s attitude to all this is Thank god that part is over, Hooray, You’re behind me in school again.   His English assignment is especially insulting - writing a book report when he had just experienced the peak of completing a novel for a series that he’d loved as a child.  Betty is annoyed at his lack of gratitude, and this is also very Alice, to just bulldoze over why Jughead might be not all that gung ho about graduating from Riverdale, ‘on time.’  

Betty’s egotism is astounding.  She thinks Jughead will be motivated  with “make sure that you graduate, with me. What is more important than that?”  The universe where Jughead is struggling to graduate so that Betty has to guide him by the hand through it, and she’s going to Yale while Jughead has no college prospects is the correct world order in the mind of Betty Cooper.  So then he stops trying to stick up for himself and they kiss and they play the pretty Bughead theme and I have the heebie jeebies. 

Veronica has just told Jughead not to do this, but Jughead needs to something more to avoid feeling hatred towards Betty, so he seeks out Charles (who has the same  Child of Alice Cooper amnesia and acts surprised to see him even though they just last week worked intensely together to solve the Dupont murders and find Grandpa Jones) and asks to do the videotape mystery investigation.  He expressly does not want Betty to know about this, because he can’t take another conversation where she joyfully treats him like a kid who’s bad at school.

The promise is I won’t bring it up to her unless she asks me directly.  But why would she.  The world is in order.

Kevin wants to do Hedwig and Mr. Honey won’t let him do it.  Kevin says Hedwig is “not a niche show.”  And Kevin suddenly bursts into a Voice of My Generation (Or A Generation) speech, and I kind of love it, because I know what’s coming.  The blue T shirts with like, priority numbers or whatever they are is cheering me up by a lot.  So 1 = Archie,  2= Betty,  3 = Veronica, (Is Kevin 4? Jughead?)  5= Cheryl, (Who the heck goes HERE??) 13= Reggie, Toni= 14,  29 = Fangs, 35 = Sweet Pea (THIRTY FIVE??).  So anyway while singing this song about random number generation, they trash the school hallway, to which Honey of course threatens to fire Kevin from the entire thing.   

Archie makes up a fake band and calls it the Archies and signs them up to perform.  Archie’s guitar string breaks, so he goes to the garage, and picks up Fred’s old guitar with the spare strings. 

So Kevin is in the Archie Andrews Sex Room (Sorry, the Music Room) all sad about not being able to do Hedwig, and tells Fangs about what’s happened with Honey.  Fangs suggests that he ‘go rogue.’ 

Betty says “you know I support you”  and also “I think you’re an amazing writer, Jug” before she tells Jughead that his book report is crap.  And of course I keep editing in what I think she means in my head - she supports him as long as he doesn’t surpass her, and the bit about his being an amazing writer is a condescension she’s willing to hand out as long as he isn’t actually a writer with a publishing contract.  Jughead feels dead inside, so he holes up inside the bunker, because he can’t stand to live with Betty right now. 

“It’s the Archies.”  Archie wants the Four to play as the Archies and brings them all coffee.  What Jughead says is very revealing - he doesn’t want to do any of this make-work (it really is just make-work) but he has to or else his girlfriend is going to punish him even more ( “my girlfriend over there is going to put me in the stocks.”)  

KEVIN IS IN THE HEDWIG OUTFIT WITH THE CLOAK AND I AM SO HAPPY. The hotpants and the fishnets and THE WIG and the lipstick.  Just the whole thing! Such a jolt of energy. And of course, Kevin is the best singer on the show.   Also also!! The Serpents Jr Division were a band? Why have we never seen them before?? Where is their practice room? What sort of music do they usually play?? What’s the band name??   Oh and Kevin plants one on Archie and everyone is very, very happy about it (me, Archie, Jughead, Cheryl, everyone).

For some reason they only show Fangs (because he’s not wearing a shirt?) but when Honey is yelling at Kevin after he yanks the speaker cords out of the wall you can see that Sweet Pea is wearing the same blueish eye make up, striped leggings and a tiger print... bathrobe or kimono or whatever that is.  The whole ensemble for this band is amazing. Why is this the only time it exists??

So there’s a sleepover at Betty’s where it’s four girls and Kevin.  And Kevin says he is sad because the variety show was taken from him.  So Jughead is hiding from Betty in the bunker at this point, right?  But that aside - this is a really charming musical number and Kevin looks beautiful in the make up and beehive wig.  In the middle of the song, they switch location to the Choni bedroom.  They do a neat shot where each girl is showing her own face with a handheld mirror to the viewer while Kevin is finishing up his second look.  Then we’re at Veronica’s having a pillow fight.   And the girls suggest something actually useful - that they’ll sing songs from Hedwig as a sign of solidarity to Kevin. That’s really sweet, actually.  

Of course, this is Cheryl, so she sings Sugar Daddy at her principal by ambushing Mr. Honey at the diner.  I love Mr Honey’s performance by the way - I’ve never said that.  He’s so great at being a repressed prig, though I do wonder what would’ve happened if he suddenly got into it.  The girls are counting on his being a prissy stick in the mud here.  Choni dance on the counter at Pop’s and they look amazing.  And also he’s not... wrong?  Hedwig is highly sexualized.  And Mr Honey knows where to hit them - If they defy him, they’ll be barred from senior prom.  For some reason they don’t play the DOOM sound effect about this announcement.  Mr. Honey saying Tootles with a Cheryl amount of stank on it is classic and unimpeachable. 

Hiram has had a fall, and Veronica texts Archie with SOS.  So Archie, who can keep zero secrets, tells Veronica about Hiram’s mishap with the workout.  And then Veronica just goes off on him and yells at him about being short sighted for not forcibly taking Hiram to the hospital, but in the middle of that she says, amazingly, “This my life. This is my father’s life.”  To her, the two are the same.  That’s not very healthy at all. 

Bughead finally have the fight they need to have. I ... I had to take a break for a bit because it’s been an excruciating experience, of watching what the show was actually presenting to me, rather than... whatever the heck I was doing the first time through.  This is what Betty says:

I am trying to make sure that we stay together, that we have a future. I’m going to New Haven in a few months, Jug.  Where are you going to be?  

Um. But.  You. Took. His. Spot. At Yale. Betty.

And then she calls him dead-end Jughead and says she’d prefer a dorm husband (Jughead’s words). But she doesn’t need him to graduate high school to do that, right?  Except I guess having a boyfriend who didn’t graduate on time is just a touch too déclassé , because Betty Cooper has standards.

The song that Jughead sings really, really fits. He’s hollowed out, outside’s a paper shroud,  and this is a song about a botched sex change operation, which put in a more transphobic way is about - castration.  And in the most retrograde way possible, this is in fact what Betty has done.  To be clear - Jughead’s Stonewall dream was a mirage hiding a death cult, and his Yale acceptance was at least 50% obtained for him to keep him strung along until he was sacrificed to the Baxter Bros Perfect Murder Cult.  The act of castration was not letting Jughead have some time to work out what he wants to do from here on out. (I will also note that Gore Vidal never went to college - he did have an acceptance to Harvard but never went - and had a spectacular writing career, so it’s not strictly speaking necessary). The act of castration was in shoving him into the ‘fell behind and needs to catch up’ category, which is factually untrue. 

Jughead starts throwing things, scream-singing.  The other three join in on the song, and I made myself laugh wondering if they were doing a Freudian thing by applying the castration song to Veronica (the daughter being the castrated version of the father).   Everyone is eventually screaming at each other.  I feel sorry for Varchie because there’s no reason for them to be hollering like this, but Bughead are due for  big fight.

Principal Honey is summoned and everyone is in the Hedwig wig. Some of the make up is utterly transformative - Fangs, Sweet Pea, and Reggie are standing side by side and right next to Kevin, on the front lines next to Cheryl and Toni, and it took me a full few seconds to see who they were.   Reggie says he will ‘weaponize these babies’ if he has to, which makes no sense, but I LOVE IT.   This sort of confirms for me that the Southside Serpent Late-Millennial / Gen Z division does not have a single straight member. In response, Honey cancels the variety show altogether. 

 The Archies’ rehearsal is accordingly cancelled, and only Betty has shown up.  Barchie have always been each other’s back up.  Archie asks when the last time they had fun was, and Betty, who could not remember the time she, Jughead and Archie played in the snow or the time she, Jughead and Archie got attacked by leeches at the swimming hole, remembers  something that she and Archie did in the first grade.   (Is this supposed to be because after she had to kill her cat, she’s been splintered? If so, who the hell is Jughead Jones in love with? Does that girl even exist?)

I think Betty and Archie are much more compatible, than Bughead, which only exists because Jughead wants it so desperately (at least, until this episode).  Barchie are violent, ruthless people.  And they’re so at ease with each other, not least because Archie is in no way an academic competitor with Betty. Betty needs to be superior to her partner, and Archie has already said that she’s just too perfect for him to consider as a peer enough to date. (Am ... I... a Barchie?)

The origin of love song is pretty, but I kind of hate this sort of concept, that the ‘right’ relationship should require no work whatsoever.  Jughead is still in the bunker, breaking things.  And what I choose to notice is that each time he’s in there he makes it prettier.  There are lots of votive candles in lots of jars, which makes for some really lovely mood lighting.  This bunker is in the middle of nowhere, so this means each time, he’s remembered to bring bottles and candles to add to the supply.  And Jughead, by himself, in a  metaphorical grave, decides to recommit to Betty, as he always does, on his own, and settles down to do his homework and graduate on time. 

And Barchie kiss.  It’s a beautiful shot. I love the fairy lights in the rehearsal garage of the Andrews house.  I think Fred set that up for Archie. I miss Fred. And I’m not upset about the Barchie kiss, per se, which is weird, because I’ve been careening through the recaps for all the eps leading up to this one because I figured I had to rip the bandage off  fast.    The reason I don’t mind is because this is within character for Betty, who is at best an anti-hero and at worst a villain.

Jughead shows up with the homework,  and Jughead does what he has to do as per the rules of Bughead engagement - he has to say sorry, and be in the wrong, and recast everything that Betty does in the best possible light while abnegating and denigrating himself.  He goes off again to finish the other assignment, and Betty starts weeping. She can’t ever tell Jughead about  the fact that Archie and she sang a  love song joyfully at each other and then kissed when she had Jughead agreed to strict monogamy,  because that would disrupt the Bughead power balance, and she can’t be in the wrong.  That’s where Betty’s suffering comes from - she needs to have the absolute dominant abuser position in Bughead and end the relationship in a way that she is not wrong, because she must always be superior to Jughead, and she’s done something that’s going to cost her that dominance.  Why is she like this? Because Jughead was her settle,  her distant second choice.  He turned out to be a gem, but he was and remains, a settle.

Veronica apologizes to Archie, as she should, because she yelled at her boyfriend and was lashing out, and she apologizes for the precise thing that she did wrong.  I think the point of the Varchie fight was twofold: One was to tell the audience that as long as Hiram is alive, Veronica and Hiram will fully identify with each other.  The other was to show the audience how a couple who got together because they wanted to, having intentionally forsaken all others, interacts after a fight.  

And Betty is revealed as having spookily been watching this entire thing, with Veronica coming in, sitting on Archie’s lap, kissing him. She looks exactly like a serial killer.  This needed the DOOM effect, at that moment, because omg, that was so scary.  Barchie serenade each other across the way, and I am sad but I feel like Betty is trying to comfort me about my experience during this retread.  

She sings:  There’s no mystical design/ No cosmic lover pre-assigned.   Right, and in any case, you don’t think Jughead was that mystical cosmic pre-assigned lover for you. Then Archie takes over:  There’s nothing you can find/ That cannot be found and this feels like the writers talking to the people who care about Riverdale a normal amount, like me.  That there’s enough in here you can find whatever you need to. 

When you’ve got no other choice/ you know you can follow my voice

And anyway, fuck you Barchies, Varchies, Bugheads and all the rareships!  We have a voice and you don’t.  

Cheryl introduces the Archies, and they perform.   So Reggie is sitting with Sweet Pea and Fangs all the time and since when has that been happening??  The Archies give their first and last performance.   Wait Kevin’s in the Archies?  He’s in the Archies.  Why does Jughead know how to play drums?  And absolutely everyone gets a call out except Kevin who has to do it himself.  Reggie as always making the absolute MOST of a nothing line and moment (the YeAh! when he gets a call out) same as Sweet Pea and Fangs.

This song is lovely and bittersweet, and I’m so into it, because all these young people are singing and being happy in possibly the most terrible town in America.  The whole town has turned out for this variety show replacement performance at Pop’s, and it’s hokey and I love how heartfelt it is.  

Then Jughead is thinking about the videotapes again, and is worried about the serial killer because he saw the snuff movie with the masks that Jellybean has graduated to.  And Jellybean, the smartest Jones, has it right. Betty killed Jughead. 

[jummyjammy]

I'm not even worried about Varchie anymore. But that's not because I'm certain Veronica and Archie are endgame and whatever RAS said was simply trolling and baiting this one certain fandom again. It's because I no longer care. Whatever RAS is going to do with this show it's not going to change the fact that he destroyed Riverdale we used to know and somehow love, and made it into grotesque version of itself where all development all characters had is gone. It's the same Riverdale but at the same time it's not.

And I won't even try to hide that yes, Barchie cheating arc is what started this whole epic fall. Because by doing that they crushed the main point of this whole series - Bughead investigating, Bughead solving mysteries. We lost that and instead we see writers throwing all kind of traumas at two certain characters and calling it a day. That plus trying to make something out of a ship that was long dead, since season one to be more specific. That's not what we, viewers, fans signed for.

Changes are sometimes necessary but changing the whole character for whatever's sake is not it. If they wanted changes they could give Veronica more screen time and a story that doesn't revolve around men. They could focus more on Toni and her development, they could give her a story that doesn't include Cheryl in any way. They could give Kevin more than a story that always end up with him getting beaten up for being gay (weird considering RAS is a part of LGBTQ but whatever), heck they would bring Josie and The Pussycats ealier and made them a part of the whole show instead of giving them one episode and call it a day. Why not finally remembering they have a great character called Sweetpea who also could get a story, and Fangs? Is he going to be the Toni 0.2 and be also nothing but a boyfriend to Kevin and nothing more?

They could do so much but instead what they did? Made Veronica story be all about men AGAIN.

Had Betty and Jughead have the most traumatic experiences AGAIN.

Put us through another overrated Cooper drama AGAIN.

Gave us weak plotlines, lack of any logic in each and every episode AGAIN.

Brought back a ship that was long dead for the sake of cheap drama and just to cater to one certain fandom who wouldn't stop whining for years, screw that, since the show started AFUCKINGAIN.

Great Riverdale writers. Good job RAS. And then you're surprised why people are dropping this show like a hot potato. Keep taking majority of your fanbase for granted and soon only Barchies are going to stay and man that's not going to help the show, believe me.

[marvelous-imagines-for-all]

Sweet Pea Comforting You Headcanons

Requested? Yes! 

“Long headcanons about the reader Crying over something (long day at school, messed up at work, made a fool of herself, etc.) and going to Sweet Pea about it at the Wyrm and he immediately drops whatever he is doing to comfort you but he’s a little confused on how to comfort you because you never need it?”

Author: Jade :))) 

-Stress is a lot in high school with grades, rude teachers, oncoming due dates that never seem to stop building up, worries with your boyfriend being a Serpent, family issues, and working a job

-You try to never let these things affect you and you most definitely don’t complain or make a big deal about it

-Especially not to Sweet Pea, the Serpents are enough for him to deal with

-He assures you constantly that you can always go to him

-But you know better, he doesn’t need your problems on top of everything else

-One day the stress comes to be too much

-Your morning didn’t start on the right foot since you arrived late to school and got detention the following week doing so

-as the day went on everything seemed to be working against you

-You kept trying to stay positive but forgetting an assignment, failing a test and then spilling your lunch over the cafeteria floor was not helping

-You felt all eyes on you as you rushed to the bathroom to try and get the food stains out of your shirt

-Not much success there

-You decided to confide in Sweet Pea

-but when you arrived to the next class you two shared together, he wasn’t there

-Fangs informed you that he had to run a quick errand for FP but he would be back later  

-Tears started to form in your eyes as you silently pleaded for this day to hurry up and end

-A couple of hours later school was finally let out

-you rushed to your car to get home and change out of the filthy clothes you were wearing

-Then you realized you had to work in just 30 minutes

-you had forgotten to bring your work uniform with you to school, you couldn’t show up to work out of uniform

-Shaking your head, you pulled out of the school parking lot and started to make your way to the Wyrm

-Sweet Pea had just started another round of pool with Fangs while Toni was getting them more drinks when you came through the double doors

-Sweet Pea usually would finish his turn before turning and giving you a kiss

-but when he glanced over and saw you, his baby girl, approaching him with a dirty shirt, tears running down your cheeks and messed up hair from running your hand through it in distress

-Heck, you were supposed to be working right now

-he knew your schedule, and knew even better you would not call in unless it was bad

-You better believe that boy dropped everything he was doing

-He quickly set the stick on the table and strided over to meet you halfway

-words couldn’t even be formed from his mouth before you fell into his arms crying

-Sweet Pea was shocked

-You always had it together, that’s something he admired about you, you were strong

-So you collapsing in his arms, depending on him to pull you back together, he was a bit lost

-He pulled you over to a chair and guided you to sit in his lap

-Sweet Pea just looked at you for a moment, trying to not storm out and hurt whoever made you like this

-He finally thought about things he had seen other couples do at the school, and remembered some stuff you would do to calm him when he was upset

-Maybe you liked that too?

-He pushed his hand under your shirt to rub your back, trying to be as gentle as possible and not startle you

-He snaked his other hand to the back of your head, carefully letting you rest your face against his neck

-Sweet Pea felt even worse when his neck became wet from your tears

-What had happened?

-He suppressed the urge to ask questions, knowing that might irritate you

-He kept his thumb rubbing against your lower back

-His other hand moved to stroke your hair

-Sweet Pea would head leaned against yours, whispering that everything would be okay and he wasn’t going to let you go

-Occasionally pushing your hair out of your face to kiss your forehead and wipe your cheeks

-He lets you take as long as you need

-He would give glares to anyone who gave you two weird looks

-He would tell Fangs to get some water

-Once you are able to calm down Sweet Pea lets go of all the questions he’s been holding in and rambles

-”What happened? Did someone do this? Was it because I wasn’t at school? Did a ghoulie threaten you?”

-You took a deep breath, taking the water Sweets offered and explained your long day

-Normally when you had something with one of these things happen he would laugh with you

-But he understood how serious your stress was and kept quiet

-He continued rubbing your back and nodding to make sure you knew he was listening

-After you finished he would take off his flannel and offer you to change your shirt in the bathroom

-then he would take you two back to his trailer were you would spend the rest of the night, completely stress free :)

[jewishbarbies]

I don’t really watch Riverdale anymore but seeing all your posts about Cheryl is making me so sad. I loved her in season one, and whatever they are doing to her character is so bad. I loved her and Toni in the beginning and they seemed great.. but what the heck is going on with them anymore. I miss the old Cheryl (and I know how bad that sounds).

Actually it doesn't sound that bad! Cheryl used to be relevant to the plot. She said mean and bitchy stuff but it furthered the plot of the show, and she was that character that said what needed to be said. Somewhere in season 2 they stopped making her dialogue/actions further the plot and it's almost like they're trying to make her arc its own separate sideshow and it's not even enjoyable. Everything she does is just plain bitchy and unnecessary, her relationships are toxic as hell, and she's been on a selfish power trip that literally alienated someone from the only friends/family they had. Jughead was right when he said the Pretty Poisons were just Cheryl's vanity project. It's all about Cheryl, how Cheryl feels, what Cheryl wants, and Cheryl's 'authority'. She does whatever she wants and A.) only 'cares' when Toni specifically calls it out, and B.) starts crying the second it's called out. Gotta guilt-trip whoever's around into seeing her as the victim and taking pity on her no matter what disgusting thing she just did (*cough* outing Moose *cough* beating up SP & Fangs *cough cough*). Cheryl's quest to find who she is is complete and the person she found is an incredibly selfish, manipulative, toxic person. Being abused does not give you an excuse to be an abuser and the fact that not only the writers but the fans are glorifying this as female empowerment is absolutely disgusting, and it's not cute.

[lovedinapastlife]

Riverdale React s3e6: Manhunter

Cult recruitment in class and masturbation as an alibi. Only on Riverdale.

First of all, Jughead and Betty look like Archie just told them he’s gonna use their bunker to bang Veronica. Do you see that consternated sweat and her far-off look? Wow. Serious business.

So of course Sheriff Minetta doesn’t go to the person he KNOWS is involved because her dad saw her there (Veronica) and instead asks TWO questions of the whole class. This town’s police force. Seriously.

Reggie seems like he’s dealt with interrogations ENOUGH for one lifetime haha. Maybe him and Jug trade tips for evading abusive parents and being caught doing nefarious activities

Aw, he kissed her brain. I am WEAK. WEAK, I say!

Ooh is this the Terrible Parents Club? I think Fred Andrews and Tom Keller are the only ones who haven't done something awful to their kids like PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE WITH LIES. And actual fists! Also, Sierra, why are you sitting with Mantle when your future hubs is at the bar?

Hiram’s “none of your business” was hilarious though, especially considering it’s a life or death situation directly related to him. Daryl Doiley loved Penelope and wanted to ascend? Did NOT get those vibes in the flashback, and Alice seemed to notice A LOT of people hooking up. Penelope seemed to like Sierra and macked on Fred in front of Doiley soooo yeah.

I want them to replace all the Archie flyers with the infamously bad black hood flyers. "Have you seen this man?" Serial killer lettering and extremely not useful pictures, like Archie as a baby or wearing his football helmet

What the heck is on his refrigerator? Is that pic on the bottom right Jughead EATING? Like they can’t just look over and see him doing it all the time? They can print a zoomed in photo of Hot Dog but not Betty? And is that...FP and Gladys on top even though she’s been gone forever? Someone zoom in so I don’t strain my eyes trying to make sure that Juggie was consuming something edible. Also yay for B checking on her man without being summoned

“SERPENTS DON’T SHIV SERPENTS!” God, Joaquin. It’s like an UNSPOKEN rule. Let’s pull this switchblade on you though. Pretty sure you defected to Gargoyle Gang so it’s ok. (although did anyone else hear Fangs gently shushing Joaquin that it’d be okay? my heart is broken)

Hiram’s definitely looking for the panic button to get Jughead out of his office. Or he’s already pushed it and is thinking, “WRONG LEVER, KRONK!”

Did anyone else think it was sweet that Hermione's password is always Veronica's birthday? But damn, girl, clean up your desktop! Hiram could literally name a document “SECRET EVIL PLAN” and you'd still spend five minutes scanning for it. Daughter follows daddy’s plans to jail. Ironic, no?

Betty brings a pen AND paper for her interrogation like a proper detective, unlike Jug who just brings a marker and a knife. Also Betty’s face is my face when Keller implies she should be grateful he never bothered with a real murder investigation because it’s POSSIBLE someone she knows like her mom could’ve been the murderer. This town is like 200 people total! Do your JOB, man! No wonder Hal had no qualms stealing his case files.

Wish Kevin wasn’t babysitting Archie so he could help. At least HE’S pragmatic and could assist the investigation. Was I the only one thinking, “Maybe you shouldn’t get your DNA all over a murder scene, Archibald?” But his mental capacity is about that of a teaspoon most days. Later when Fred’s standing where Archie was I felt SO BAD. Think of your daddy, Archie! Think of Vegas! They want to go with you! Tom + Kevin’s hug is so good later. Good dad moments! Hugs are good! I want more!

Joaquin! Nooooo! My Joavin plans are RUINED by this beautiful, super flawed pawn being sacrificed on the altar of storytelling. I mean, hopefully kissing Archie was worth it? RIP

Sierra and Veronica have matching cat smiles and I love it. Let’s take down the establishment!

Oh no no no nooo shadow man (in retrospect, was that FP being weird and trying to see if the lights were on in Betty’s bedroom?) LOVE the Scream throwbacks with Skeet but can we stop hugging Falice and go get the gargoyle king?! A buncha branches shouldn’t be able to run that fast!

Why does Veronica wear capes with dresses? They have no pockets. Where is your chapstick, let alone your phone? I love how it’s dark in this super expensive penthouse and Hermione and Hiram are just casually drinking in formalwear with murderers and a drug/death game about and Hermione’s like, “Hm? You were in jail? I thought you said you were going ‘out?’ WHY AM I OUT OF THE LOOP?”

Wouldn’t Polly protest Betty’s incarceration at Sisters of Quiet Mercy? And wouldn’t B know the way out anyways? Ugh the plot devices. And then to have Jughead be trying to call her as she's being taken away. How dare you, drama. I have faith in Betty and her bobby-pin picking abilities. She needs a frickin’ emancipation, as do half the kids in the show. Let’s burn Quiet Mercy down with Cheryl and Toni roasting marshmallows over the flames.

Veronica got CUPCAKES, Archie. The least he could do is show up! Oh the dramatic phone drop! That was rough. Archie’s an idiot and does not deserve such a good investigative team/support group atm. Isn't V confused that Betty didn't show up for her friend? I feel like B would be the first person besides her lawyer that she’d call after successfully snooping and to celebrate with cupcakes. I need my B+V scenes!

Looks like we’ll be getting some Jughead and Archie bro scenes instead which is like, FINE, WHATEVER, and eye roll worthy from the previews for 3x7. I’m guessing Jughead is just assuming Betty has not been abducted by murderous parents or the Gargoyle King in her investigation. It makes me mad that he endorses running away from his problems and other people. HAVE NEITHER OF YOU LEARNED THINGS? Go back to school!

I imagine the Gargoyle King poses “nude” for these art classes at Quiet Mercy. Someone send me fan art. Or don’t. I don’t know if I handle it. What do you think?

[styomi]

Fifteen study dates | 15-day prompt challenge | Sweet Pea/OC | Day 7

AN: I realized that I skipped updating yesterday, so two chapters today! I was tired as heck because of overtime xD Looking forward to hearing what you guys think :D

Info:

Fandom: Riverdale Pairing: Sweet Pea/OC Rating: T Word count: 1893 Chapter count: 7/15

                                 Master of procrastination and his jailer

From the first day of studying with Sweet Pea, and occasionally his friends, Ruby knew that it was going to be a steep way up towards good grades. While she certainly didn’t have too much trouble completing her workload, her study buddy had issues. More specifically, procrastination and attention span issues. Sweet Pea was the undeniable king of getting distracted. A notification on his social media, a text from Fangs or a phone call from FP were somehow always a first priority. And, when there weren’t any distractions like that, he made himself busy by bothering her. He loved playing with her hair, lazily braiding it into weird dreadlock-like lines that Ruby didn’t have the heart to tell him took her hours and tonnes of conditioner to get rid of. And, when it wasn’t her hair, it was something else. Doodling, playing with his rings, searching for interesting tattoos online, twirling his pencil or clicking his pen. Sweet Pea was an annoying mess of a master procrastinator.

But, what Ruby hadn’t been privy to was the information that he actually didn’t understand half of the material. Most specifically, the physics material. She wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t pay attention in class or because he simply didn’t get the tasks, but Ruby knew that more than seventy percent of his work was always wrong. So, she made it her own, personal goal to get him to pass physics without him noticing how much she was trying.

The first step had been roping Sweet Pea into a study session every day except the weekend. Ruby had managed that easily enough. Promises of alone time in her room or doing something he wanted when they were done got the biker to eagerly oblige. The next task on Ruby’s list had been getting Sweet Pea to actually study during those sessions. He was like a small child, constantly distracted and pulling her attention away from the material. So, she set up an odd reward system, which she didn’t voice to the boy, instead only acted upon it. Ruby would hold his hand, kiss him, sit on his lap or even go a little further when he did a good job in order to encourage him. When she got to her third step, the actual testing, the teen realized her mistake.

Sweet Pea spent the first half of the practice exam trying. His hand kept going to his hair, messing it up when he didn’t understand something or hit a wall. He kept scratching out his answer and progress, before going back to the top and trying again. However, by the time Sweet Pea started the second half of the practice test, Ruby could clearly see that he’d given up. A small curse here and there, a shrug before writing down the answer and not even bothering with his calculator were all setting off alarms in her head.

“Is it too difficult?” Ruby finally asked when she’d finished her own test, sitting still and watching the biker struggle for the last half an hour or so.

“It’s fine,” Sweet Pea countered, eyes not leaving the page. “Just like at school.” Ruby saw him scratch out an answer and write another one.

“Then, what’s wrong?” She asked. Sweet Pea sighed, his head rising and eyes meeting hers.

“I’m just stupid for this school shit, cupcake,” the biker shrugged like the words meant nothing, but Ruby could see the way his fingers were clenched around his pen. “Sorry to disappoint your dreams of me being some kind of hidden, dyslexic genius underneath all the leather and Serpents pride.” Sweet Pea’s grin pissed Ruby off to no end.

“Give me your test,” she held her hand out, waiting, tone icy. Sweet Pea obliged soundlessly. “Now, get your butt over here and listen to my explanation or we’re going to have an issue.” The chair rolled over, crackling along the old floor of Ruby’s room. She grabbed the armrest, making Sweet Pea lean back slightly. He knew her pissed mode was on. “Listen to me. You’re not stupid, Sweet Pea,” he huffed, making Ruby smack his arm with the back of her hand. “You’re not. Otherwise, FP and Tall Boy wouldn’t be grooming you to take over as second-in-command.” His dark eyes met her pale ones, reluctantly shifting to the side.

“Whatever you say.” Do you really think so, he was asking. She knew. Ruby knew Sweet Pea better than he thought.

“I know I’m right,” she adamantly told him. “Now, just like you listen to them when they’re teaching you the ropes of gang bullcrap,” when he opened his mouth to correct her, Ruby put her finger up readily. “No, that I don’t want to know. But, just like you listen to them, you listen to me,” he didn’t reply and Ruby frowned. “Are we on the same page here? Do you want to pass this?”

“Yes.” Sweet Pea grumbled.

“Good,” Ruby smiled. “No more texting in class and you pay attention. You also have to stop procrastinating when we’re studying.”

“Alright, Miyagi,” He was grinning at her. “Lay it on me.” And Ruby took up her red pen, getting started on his test.

Toni and Fangs picked up Sweet Pea on Monday at his locker, the tall biker looking like he hadn’t slept in a week. The purple haired Serpent gave him a once-over before leaning on the wall and smirking.

“Ruby riding you hard?” She caused Fangs to choke on his coffee and attempt to prevent it from spilling out of his mouth and all over his travel mug and front.

“You have no idea,” Sweet Pea groaned, making his two friends stare in shock. “She’s an absolute beast! I think I’ve studied this weekend more than ever in my life. Please hide me or something if she comes looking.” The two bikers exchanged glances.

“Sure, because your tall ass is easy to hide.” Toni shook her head.

“C’mon, man, can’t be that bad having a study session with a girl?” Fangs tried to diffuse the situation. But, Sweet Pea turned to him with a clear face of absolute misery.

“You try it.” He spoke with conviction. “She won’t let me step out of line, like some military camp. I need Ruby-free time.”

“Then you’d better start running now,” Toni remarked, nodding her head at something behind Sweet Pea. “Here comes your jailer.”

“Shit.” Sweet Pea tried to grab the right books and close his locker but didn’t make it. Ruby had already bounded over to him with a cheerful smile on her face.

“Morning, everyone,” she greeted, the two Serpents returning the gesture. “Sweet Pea.” Her hand extended expectantly. With a groan, the tall biker fished his phone out of his pocket and handed it to her. A piece of paper was placed in its spot. “Study hard!” With that, Ruby bounded off again. Sweet Pea slumped against his locker. Toni’s eyebrows rose while Fangs’ smile widened to an impossible size.

“Oh, wait! I have something!” He cheerfully said, digging out his own phone and searching before playing a soundtrack. A whip swishing through the air and cracking sounded out in the busy hallway, making Toni lose her cool. The girl barely managed to stay upright against the wall.

“Ha ha.” Sweet Pea glared at Fangs. “Laugh it up until she sees your grades.” Fangs paled.

Sweet Pea found focusing in class much easier without his phone. While his hand did constantly go to his pocket on impulse when he got bored, only to find it empty and have a small heart attack, he kept his eyes on the board and his notebook filled with lines of examples and explanations. And, Ruby’s little notes also helped. She kept passing him small pieces of paper whenever they saw each other, each spelling out a little encouragement in her writing. Some were quotes, others were her own words of praise at how he had done well in class and the last kind, his favorite, were promises of rewards which he would get for his efforts.

So, the tall biker did his best. He actually sat in his chair, for once, instead of on his desk, in physics and wrote down problem after problem. When the exam came, he didn’t find it a head-scratcher, as usual. Instead, Sweet Pea turned his paper in less than thirty minutes after it had been handed out to him by the teacher, surprising everyone. He even got permission to leave the classroom early, which made Toni and Fangs gape after his retreating form. Ruby found him that day, after finishing her own test, by his locker.

“Hey.” She greeted in a soft tone, the hallway still empty because class was in session.

“Hey.” Sweet Pea shot back halfheartedly, expecting a reprimand for leaving early. However, Ruby surprised him, yet again. She took his hands gently, interlocking their fingers and standing on her tiptoes to plant a soft kiss on his lips.

“I knew you could do it.” She whispered against his skin, their breath mingling.

“I had plenty of help and a merciless jailer.” Sweet Pea joked, taking her bottom lip in between his teeth gently and pulling a bit. Ruby groaned and her arms wrapped around his neck, tugging him closer to her. He loved the way she pressed the whole length of her body against his, a rare show of intimacy in a public place.

“I wasn’t that bad, was I?” The girl asked between kisses, which became longer and more heated with each passing moment.

“Fangs has a new ringtone for you now,” Sweet Pea told her, pulling his head back a bit to see her reaction. “It’s a whipping sound.” Ruby lost it, giggling against him, her forehead hitting his chest.

“Alright, I was pretty bad,” She concluded with a sigh. “Here.” Sweet Pea felt her slide his cellphone into his back pocket, where he normally kept it, coping a feel along the way.

“Aren’t I supposed to be the one squeezing your ass, tater tot?” He cheekily commented, their heated mood from before gone. They were back to their usual teasing push and pull. Ruby didn’t reply, though. In fact, her face was as red as a tomato and she was staring at the contents of his locker.

“You kept them?” There were two dozen small papers there, carefully left beside his books and notebooks. All the encouragement she’d written for him along the way.

“Of course, I did.” Sweet Pea shot back, watching the way she hid her face from him. He actually had her embarrassed, for once.

“Throw them out, stupid!” Ruby tried to take the notes, but Sweet Pea slammed his locker shut with a smirk.

“No, they’re mine now. I decide what to do with them,” he told her smugly when he saw her incredulous expression and red cheeks. “Besides, isn’t it your ongoing theory that I’m not stupid?”

“I take that back, you’re stupid and you’re a jerk!” She was already planning to get his locker combination somehow, he knew.

“No take backsies.” The comment earned him a slap across the chest. Sweet Pea laughed and leaned in, kissing Ruby one last time before pulling her towards the cafeteria, ignoring her grumbling about revenge and never doing anything nice for him ever again.

That’s all folks!

Taglist (still open): @enticinghell

You can find the previous parts here:

Day 1: A way to memorize Day 2: How to prepare for a study date (?) like a proper gentleman Day 3: With proper motivation, anything is possible Day 4:  PG13 PDA sugar can be good motivation Day 5: Autumn time is picnic time Day 6: It’s best when we can compete  Day 8: Take me anywhere, everywhere, away from here   Day 9:  Dirty French for beginners   Day 10:  I need… sleep?… no, you…   Day 11:  Delirium   Day 12: Stay still for me   Day 13:  Debate? Apparently, a turn-on   Day 14: Two-seater and Chinese   Day 15:  Unintentional intentions  

Let me know how you liked it :D

[orderoftheavengers]

A Game of Idiot Balls

Summary: Steve Rogers and Tony Stark decide to settle their differences once and for all  with an epic, illegal Quidditch match.  But a sinister Durmstrang student spikes everyone’s food and drinks with fire-whiskey  and hobbit weed, and hexed all of the Quidditch balls, turning them into literal “idiot balls,” causing all the Avengers to think, speak and act wildly out of character.   

TEAM STARK: Captain: Tony Stark

Beaters: Tony Stark, James Rhodes  

Chasers: Natasha Romanoff, T'Challa, Vision

Keeper: Friday

Seeker: Peter Parker  

TEAM ROGERS: Captain: Steve Rogers

Beaters: Steve Rogers, Clint Barton (using arrow-spells to deflect balls)

Chasers: Wanda Maximoff, Sam Wilson, Scott Lang

Keeper: Charon Carter

Seeker: Bucky Barnes

A Tragic Accident

The “civil war” that destroys the Order of the Avengers begins with a disagreement and a badly-aimed fireball.

It’s a deceptively sunny day in October, and students are milling about on the grass, after studies.

“You’re not the guy to make the tough call!” Steve Rogers challenges. “To lie down on the burning coals and let the other guy walk over you!”

“Rogers, it’s wizard’s chess. We’re supposed to sacrifice our pawns to violent deaths for our own agendas. Oh would you look at that, guess my knight and your bishop have chosen to make love instead of war.”

“Stark, I’ve warned you about enchanting my stuff with your perverted humor!” Steve fumes.

He’s still angry at Tony Stark for adding rude speech throughout his sketchbook. Being wizard pictures, the sketches actually say them out loud. From Steve’s schoolbag, one can hear a muffled voice recite, “There once was an elf from Nantucket, who saved all his farts in a bucket. He could get laid with any elf maid, so he lubed up his hand and said—” Steve hastily shuts his bag.

Tony makes a rude retort about Steve’s (lack of) dating life, and things escalate. Soon they have their wands out, and have drawn a crowd.

“Honestly,” Rose Weasley says loudly, “why can’t the Americans teach their children how to wager?”

When the boys expressed their confusion, Rose explains: “Here in the civilized world, when two gentlemen have a disagreement, they solve it with finances, not fists. Make a bet on something, if you’re so eager for competition!”

Scratching his goatee with his wand, Tony ponders, “Okay…What should we bet on?”

Suggestions start coming from the students around them, each stupider than the last.

“Which Quibbler articles are true!” suggests Lysander Scamander, son of Luna Lovegood.

Loki lifts his broom-wand threateningly. “How about whether or not I’ll have ‘performance issues’ this time, Stark?”

A mandrake classmate in Hufflepuff finally suggests, “I am Groot!”

“Don’t be stupid Groot,” says Rocket (a raccoon/niffler hybrid, in Slytherin). “You can’t light a fart on fire, even with magic.”

“I am Groot.”

“Huh? No way, you have not done it before.”

“I am Groot! I am Groot, I am Groot.”

“Fine, go ahead and show us.” Rocket folds his furry arms.

Peter Quill’s eyes flare. “Groot wait—!”

With a flick of his wand, and a mutter of “I am Groot” (which his wand can translate as “Incendio”), the mandrake’s bum lights up. Groot enjoys a moment’s giggle, before the poor plant realizes his entire body is now aflame.

“I AM GROOT!” he is running around the castle, on fire. “I AM GROOOOT! I AM GROOT! I AM GROOOOOOOOT!”

“The fire’s gonna spread!” Steve gasps, pointing at some flames that have already left the mandrake to spread through the grass.

Thinking quickly, Ravenclaw Wanda Maximoff uses her wandless-magic to create a bubble, trapping the flaming Groot in a contained fireball. She carefully lifts the screaming, flaming tree up and away from the crowd… until her hand slips, sending Groot and his fireball into the Gryffindor tower, obliterating it.

Luckily no humans are killed, but a many hours of homework and a couple of pets are lost.

A mustached house-elf with glasses, irritated by the mess he must now clean up, yells down from the tower, “Don’t make me come down there, you punks!” The Potter Accords The incident inspires the Ministry of Magic to take action, in the form of the Potter Accords.

This controversial new document puts heavy restrictions on the way teen wizards and witches are allowed to go about solving mysteries and saving the school from evil.  

Quidditch now has safety rules; deadly creatures larger than three meters are now required to sleep outside the castle; heroes under the age of 15 will need signed permission slips to solve deadly mysteries or fight dark wizards; the moving staircases are now required to have railings; and applicants for the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor must now pass background checks.

Tony, having recently been guilted by a Durmstrang student who lost her owl to Ultron, and has been dumped by Pepper for being “too out of control,” is desperate for a chance to alleviate himself from of some of the guilt he’s been building up over the years. So he voices his support for the Potter Accords.

Steve on the other hand fears the Accords might contain an agenda, and he hates agendas. He joined the army to fight agendas. He refuses to sign.

Duty-bound Gryffindor Jams Rhodes argues with gut-following Hufflepuff Sam Wilson over the issue. Vision begins a logical argument in favor of the Accords, and ends up on a tangent about all of the plot holes in “Harry Potter.” This in turn leads to a lengthy debate on how responsible of a headmaster Dumbledore really was, which circles back to the Accords. The Avengers are beginning to break apart.

Long Live the King

This Halloween, Hogwarts hosts a special banquet for the adults deciding on the Potter Accords. Nicodemus Fury is unable to attend, busy battling some basilisks on a Muggle airplane . But many parents and guardians are present, including King Odin; Peter Parker’s Muggle Aunt May; and King T’Chaka, whose son T’Challa is attending Hogwarts this year as an exchange student.

T’Chaka is giving a toast to a peaceful semester, when suddenly, one of the decorative floating Jack-O-lanterns shrieks, “LONG LIVE THE DARK LORD!” and explodes in a fireball.  Among the casualties are the drummer for the Weird Sisters; another Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher; and King T’Chaka.

Evidence points to one Hufflepuff vampire student named Bucky Barnes.

“Evidence” here meaning, “a fuzzy wizarding photo, of such poor quality that you can barely even make out the middle finger the blurry figure is waving at the camera.” Vice-Headmaster, and Head of Gryffindor House, Thaddeus Ross, and three of his underlings, have personally asked the wizard-photo who he was, and the blurred photo assured them: “I’m Buck Rogers and I bombed Hogwash! I mean Hoggle-wart! Whatever it’s called. I’m that vampire guy who’s friends with that hot Yank with the blue-green eyes. I’m not an embittered Durmstrang kid trying to f*ck with you all, I’m Bucky Barnacle, also known as the Winter Solstice, and my prank-pumpkin killed the king of Anaconda! I’m dangerous hooligan that needs to be corrected! And to those mourning, I highly recommend the pumpkin juice and chocolate frogs. They’re sure to clear your heads.” The experts, having already overdosed on the unusually addictive pumpkin juice and chocolate frogs, express surprise at the Winter Soldier’s Eastern European accent, which Bucky had never displayed before. Nevertheless, the Dementors float over to the Hufflepuff table and snatch up the young vampire, just as he is reaching for the bowl of plums. Poor Bucky is swiftly muzzled and chained to a kinky iron chair, and magically transported up to the Third Floor for his detention, while his fangirls around the castle look on. The Idiot Balls Snowball… Bucky professes his innocence, but is assigned detention for a “careless and dangerous prank that cost lives.” His detention is supposed to involve working on homework with a tutor—a Ravenclaw nerd no one had seen before. The Ravenclaw turns out to be an invading Durmstrang student named Helmut Zemo, cleverly disguised with a pair of glasses. Zemo Imperius-Curses Bucky into going on a vampire rampage throughout the school. Steve finally punches Bucky back to his senses in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom, where Sam catches up to them. The trio quickly deduce that Zemo is behind everything. In any other installment of this series, they would rush to communicate the situation to the other Avengers. But instead…. "We can’t trust Tony.” Sam declares. “Huh?” Steve stares at his friend. “Where did that come from? Have you ever even said two words to Tony?” “He won’t believe us.” Sam presses. Steve just gapes at Sam. “…Tony…whose own mentor betrayed him, won’t believe that the suspicious nerd we all just met is a bad guy? Tony, who witnessed Clint and Erik mind-controlled by Loki, won’t believe that Bucky was mind-controlled?” “Even if he does believe us,” Sam continues dramatically, “The Accords might not let him do anything.” “Let him?” Steve laughed. “Okay, I know Tony’s in a ‘follow the rules’ mood at the moment, but do you seriously think Tony Stark would let that stop him from helping us in this situation? Tony, who carried a NUKE for the whole planet and almost died to save all our asses? What’s gotten into you, Sam?” “It doesn’t matter,” Sam says distantly. “For I am you, and you are me, is he as she as we can be.” The spiked food and drink suddenly hit Steve too, and his eyes widen in understanding. “If everybody is nobody, than nobody can be anybody!” Bucky finishes, “I am the walrus!…Geddit? Cuz I’m a vampire, and I has fangs… okee-day I’ll shuddup now.” Steve proceeds to barely ever mention the crucial issues at hand to Tony and the others.  Who in turn, never once bother to ask what the heck is going on. Instead, both sides focused their arguments on the Potter Accords, and stumble forth through their “civil war” like idiots. Pointless, drunken arguing eventually leads Tony and Steve to finally agreeing on a wager: whether or not Tony can find a better Quidditch Seeker than Bucky Barnes.  Tony sets out to find that Seeker, and both boys start recruiting for their Teams… Picking Teams: Before teams can be arranged, Thor and Bruce Banner are given a detention by the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher (yes, they got another one that fast).  This completely pulls them out of the action, unable to participate in the “Civil War” Quidditch match. Tony and Steve agree that the two teams need and equal number of players, as well as one token female Avenger and at one token Black Avenger, each. Falcon laughs, “Imagine if this hadn’t been a planned sport, and had just randomly worked out that way!” Rhodey chuckles, “You’d be more likely to stumble on a recording of one of the Winter Sorcerer’s top-secret missions!” A knut is tossed to determine who gets Natasha, and Tony wins, putting Wanda on Steve’s team, despite her currently sharing Tony’s motivations. But after so much spiked pumpkin juice and butterbeer, almost none of the Avengers are thinking very hard about logical motivations anymore. “Rescuing” Wanda: Already tickled pink (scarlet?) not to be in Azkaban for her past crimes, Wanda is relieved that her only punishment for obliterating that Gryffindor tower is a normal detention in her own Commonroom, under her House Prefect and boyfriend Vision. They decide to study for Home Mag. class, baking pumpkin cake using levitation. A bespeckled, mustached house elf named Stanley delivers the ingredients. Unbeknowenced to Vision and Wanda, but knowneced to the audience, this “house elf” is in fact villain Helmut Zemo, disguised with the Polyjuice potion. The cake mix he gives them is laced with Hobbit Weed from the Shire, and the butterbeer is spiked with Firewhisky from Rosmertta’s. Later on, Hawkeye—already suffering the effects of Zemo’s spiked refreshments—leaps down from the vents into the middle of the Ravenclaw commonroom. “A little tall for a house elf?” Wanda snarks, as Clint brushes dirt and rubble off of his robes.   “My name’s Clint Barton, I’m here to rescue you!” Clint says theatrically. Wanda shakes her head in confusion. “Rescue me from what? Baking cake in a luxurious common room with my boyfriend? It’s a bloody miracle I wasn’t in Azkaban even before all this!” She takes an angry bite of the freshly baked pumpkin cake. “And really Clint, I’m kind of appalled that you of all people—the family man, who taught me responsibility and all that—are trying to get me to break out and go criminal, much less now of all…of all……” Her voice becomes distant and dramatic, as the drugs in the cake begin to take hold. “…of all the commonrooms in all the castles in all the world…he walks into mine.” Vision watches in bafflement as Wanda abruptly switches from sensibility to…whatever the hell had gotten into Clint. “Wanda,” Vision warns, “If you do this, they will never stop fearing you.” “I can’t control their fear, only my own.” “I….I think that just may be the stupidest response to a call for responsibility I have ever heard in my short life,” Vision replies. “Though that is kind of a nice inspirational quote, out of context. Maybe hold onto that line and save it for a more appropriate sce—” “STUPIFY!” Wanda cries with a flick of her hands. Her wandless spell sends poor Vision flying through the stone floors of Hogwarts, down to Moaning Myrtle’s toilet, where he is flushed into the lake and swallowed by the Giant Squid. Wanda follows Clint to the Quidditch field, where the Avengers prepare for the most epic, illegal, drunken Quidditch match ever. Pressuring Peter Parker Meanwhile, Tony is doing some “recruiting” of his own. First-year Peter Parker enters the Ravenclaw commonroom to see a big scary seventh-year with an evil looking goatee flirting shamelessly with Aunt May, on one of the long, blue, eagle-footed sofas. The adult Muggle woman laughingly dismisses the high schooler’s dirty flattery, with comments about not wanting to end up in prison or on “Opra.” Wow, Peter thinks, this kid’s got some balls. The only person in all of Hogwarts stupid enough to try hitting on an adult Muggle would have to be—

“Oh my god,” Peter gasps. “You’re Tony f*cking–!” “Ha! I wish.” Tony says jovially, while Aunt May makes a dismissive Oh you, gesture. “Peter!” Aunt May smiles over couch. “You didn’t tell me Tony Stark was tutoring you!” “I was just telling her about that essay for Medieval Troll Literature I proofread for you,” says Tony, while making a subtle face.   Playing along, Peter stammers, ���Um, yeah, those Trolls are always really big on spelling and grammar.”

Tony and Peter go up to the latter’s dorm, supposedly to look at Peter’s “troll essay.”   Once they’re alone, Tony whips out a Wizard Card. “Question of the rhetorical variety…. that’s you, innit?” On the card is a moving picture of Peter, done up in his spider cloak and hood, kicking ass. Below is a short description of the mysterious “Spider Wizard,” and his various talents, which include “flying tricks that make Harry Potter look like a tool.” After some adorkable quivering, Tony finally gets the truth from Peter. “So why do you do it?” Tony asks. “What makes you willing to undertake all the crap Harry Potter did, with none of the sidekicks and helpful mentors and direct recognition he had?” Peter stammers, “Well, when you can do the things that I can do…and then you don’t…and then the bad things happen….it’s your fault…” Tony frowns. “Why do you sound so awkward? Do I intimidate you?” “No. It’s just…. there’s a specific sentence that explains, exactly, why I’m the Spider Wizard. But whenever I try to say it I…. I can’t. It’s basically along the lines of me having these huge advantages, and needing to use them.” “You mean like, 'With great powder comes great redundability?’” Tony blinks and shakes his head. “Wow, tongue-tied! What I meant was, with great Shamwow comes great resale ability–” he pauses again, baffled by his own misbehaving mouth. “See? You can’t say it either! It’s like there’s some kind of magical block on that specific sentence, so no one can ever say it!” Tony strokes his goatee thoughtfully. “Seems like a Copyright jinx…Bastards. Anyway,” Tony lifts his wand, “Accio Upgrade!” Several shattered windows, five toppled book shelves, two unconscious first-years and one screeching cat later, Peter is geeking out over his shinny new broom and magical cloak, with special enchantments to keep his identity and body protected. The Slytherin sixth year then blackmails the little Ravenclaw into joining him in an illegal Quidditch match that afternoon. “But aren’t first years banned from playing Quidditch unless they’re Harry Potter?” Peter asks as they fly towards the Quidditch pitch. “I dunno, maybe.” “Could you like, go to prison for making me do this?” “Possibly.” “Cool! We’re outlaws!” “Er…. yeah… the law… the thing I was fighting the Cap about….erm……….. So! Ready to prove you’re a better Seeker than Barnes & Noble?” “Yes sir!” the first year says eagerly. Black Panther Newly crowned King T’Challa believes Bucky killed his father, and vows revenge. When Steve and Tony approach him in the Courtyard, T’Challa agrees to the match and joins Team Stark, purely so he can avenge his father.

“The Black Panther has been the protector of Wakanda for generations. A mantle, passed from warrior to warrior. And now, because that little sh*t incinerated my father, I also wear the mantle of king. So, I ask you Rogers… as wizard, warrior and king… how long do you think you can keep your blood-sucking little Emo safe from me?” Steve can only stare blankly, not so much out of fear for Bucky, as horror over seeing another Gryffindor stealing his gag of dramatic speeches…and doing it infinitely better.

Tony points out, “Well I’ll have to ask you to wait until after Parker catches the Snitch to kill Barnes—”

“I will not kill the vampire,” T'Challa swears solemnly. “I will put the wooden stake of my broom through his undead heart, as I tear his head from his shoulders using only my Vibranium jaws, painting the land crimson in a symphony of vengeance and justice for my father, my kingdom, and centuries of colonization.”

By now even the giant squid is staring silently, as is Vision, who is dripping wet and dangling from one tentacle by his ankle. Tony adjusts his purple shades. “So that’s a yes? Sounds good. We meet at the Quidditch pitch right after dinner.” A Sinister Enchantment By they time they reach the Quidditch pitch, everyone has had a taste of stupidity. Before supper, Zemo secretly poured Firewhiskey into the pitchers of pumpkin juice and all the bottles of butterbeer, and fed Hobbit Hemp to all of the chocolate frogs. But it’s about to get much, much worse. Because Zemo has also put jinxes on all of the Quidditch balls, turning them into literal “idiot balls.” A different jinx is cast on each ball. On the Quaffle, Zemo casts Dramatis Personae, a sinister spell that causes anyone within three miles of the ball to speak and act overly dramatic manner, at the cost of common sense. On one Bludger he casts Sequelitis, which exaggerates the victim’s personality traits to idiotic proportions, and on the other Prequelitis, which makes people say and do things that contradict common knowledge about their own history. And on the Golden Snitch, he cast the most insidious curse of all: Fratres Russo, the spell that erases the victim’s human empathy, for the sake of all of the above-mentioned spells’ ends. Resuming his house-elf disguise, Zemo lurks below the bleachers to watch his work unfold. Let’s Get Ready to Rumble! The Quidditch bleachers are filled with blazed classmates, and even a few professors. (You can bet the Grand Master found a way to attend both this and his other blood-sport at the same time, with the help of a Time Turner.) Throughout the game, the teams’ supporters blast muggle music from the stands: Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man,” and the theme to “Team America, World Police,” attempting to drown each other out.   Before the game begins, Tony flies out into the middle of the field on his “iron broom,” and announces: “Before we do this, let’s go over the ground rules.”

Everyone listens intently, except Steve Rogers and Charon Carter, who are kissing drunkenly.

“Rule Number One!” Tony bellows sternly. “There will be no touching of the hair or face…”

Steve chimes in, “And that’s it! Now lets do this!”

With this being the only rule, T’Challa sees no reason not to take on his Animagus form, and leaps from his broom at Bucky Barnes, while the vampire races Parker to the Snitch.

“You’re a vampire with a robot arm?” Peter exclaims at Bucky. “That is awesome dude!”

“It’s not robotic, it’s enchanted armorAAAAAAA!” Dodging vibranium claws, the little vampire shrieks under his rock-star hair, “FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN’S MAGICAL BALLSACK, I DIDN’T KILL YOUR FATHER!” “Then why did you run?!” the panther demands in a growling voice, taking another swipe. “BECAUSE A GIANT PANTHER, HORNY TEENAGE GIRLS AND A LITERAL ARMY ARE TRYING TO TEAR ME LIMB FROM LIMB! WHAT THE F*CK KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?!” Bucky dodges the cat once more, and yells hoarsely to the universe, “All I wanted this morning were some f*cking plums!” Meanwhile, Friday and Charon Carter both give up on their jobs as Keepers, since on the rare occasion that a ball of any kind actually comes anywhere near the hoops, it is often not even the Quaffle. As tensions and blood-alcohol levels continue to rise, so does the anger and the violence. “God Tony, I can’t believe you pressured a kid into fighting your dangerous war!” Steve Rogers accuses, as he hurls a massive thestral-carriage onto Peter Parker.

The “Spider-Wizard” catches the carriage in both hands, losing the Snitch, and tosses the vehicle into the bleachers, where it crushes Galaga Guy.

Tony yells back to Steve, “At least I’m not snogging my ex-girlfriend’s niece, perv!” “No,” Steve counters, “just your surrogate little brother’s aunt. Freak.” “He’s got you there!” a tiny voice bellows from the bristles of Tony’s broom. “Who are you?” Tony searches for the speaker. “Your sex life,” Scott Lang, in ant-nimagus form, replies. “We don’t talk much anymore.” During the action, Vision accidentally hits Rhodey with a curse that transforms him into a merman. Unless this curse is reversed, Rhodey will never walk again. Tony is coming closer and closer to his breaking point… Steve is headed for Team Stark’s hoops with the Quaffle (forgetting that he’s supposed to be a Beater right now, and not a Chaser). Black Widow soars over on her broom and stops in front of him. The Quaffle that Steve holds is still enchanted with Dramatis Personae.

“You’re not gonna stop, are you,” Nat breaths dramatically, as the Quaffle’s jinx radiates at her. “Power to the people,” Steve replies with an intense stare. “Gondor has no pants, Gondor needs no pants.” In the most cliched way she can muster, Nat sighs, “I’m gonna regret this…” She takes out her wand, and transforms her own team’s Keeper, Friday the snake, into an orange basalisk, now much too heavy for the tiny broom Tony built her. As the goalie plummets to the ground and Steve scores, Tony hollers at Natasha, “What the hell was that? Is the double-agent thing just hard to shake?” Nat glares at him. “Are you incapable of letting go of your ego for one minute?” Tony bobs in the air on his broom, baffled. “Okay, I’m not denying I have an ego the size of Jupiter, but what the hell does that have to do with anything right now?” Breathing deeply, Nat retorts over dramatically folded arms, “I’m not the one who needs to watch my back.” “…what?” Nat shrugs. “I dunno, I’m stoned.” She pulls a chocolate frog out of her robe and offers it to Tony. “Pot-frog?” “What in the hell are you—Ooo, don’t mind if I do, thanks!” Tony lets the stoned frog leap into the air and twirls on his broom underneath, catching it in his mouth. Later on, no one can clearly remember how the game really ended. The one thing everyone can agree probably wasn’t a hallucination was Scott Lang, in his “ant-nimagus” form, taking someone’s “Engorgio!” charm, and growing from a regular ant to a “Them!” ant. Peter Parker then recalled the muggle film “Empire Strikes Back,” and used his own Animagus powers to web Scott’s six legs together, just as the latter was reenacting a Monty Python skit with one of the Quidditch stands. (Said skit being the one with the giant Siamese cat.) Peter then snagged the Snitch, and Tony’s team won. Peter, still holding the Snitch, is now doing a little dance.

Under the conditions of Steve and Tony’s bet, the losing would team take the blame for the illegal Quidditch game, should any teachers ask. Vice-Headmaster Thaddeus Ross did ask, and assigned all of Team Cap a detention of a sadistic sort.

“For the next month,” Thaddeus says sadistically, “You’ll all be imprisoned in the Giant Squid, at the bottom of the lake!”

Steve opens his mouth to protest. Just at that moment, Peter Parker, still dancing on his broom, enthusiastically throws the Snitch behind him. The tiny golden ball goes flying right into Steve’s opened mouth, knocking him backwards into Bucky. Both tumble off of their brooms, and plummet below the bleachers. How Not to Handle Your Teammate Seeing His Parents Killed By Someone Standing Right Next To Him, And In the Same Instance Learning His Comrade Also Standing Next to Him—You—Knew All Along By sundown, everyone within a thousand-mile radius of Hogwarts is roaring drunk, and higher than a hippogriff. The Avengers have just spent several hours handling those jinxed Idiot Balls. But the worst victim of the Idiot Balls was Steve Rogers, who has accidently swallowed one. The worst one—the Golden Snitch. After speaking with Sam in the Squid-Detention, Tony finally realizes that Zemo is the bad guy. He bids his Quidditch opponents goodbye, as the Squid coughs him back up onto dry land. Whipping Squid slime off his robes, Tony mounts his broom, and goes to find Steve and Bucky. Steve and Bucky are chasing a chocolate frog, that tells them it knows where Zemo is. It leads them to the Forbidden Forest. As the sun sets, the frog takes them further and further into the Forest, finally stopping at a glowing stone basin. Tony catches up on his broom, and starts to apologize to them. But suddenly, his broom gives a strong jerk, throwing Tony head-first into the Pensieve. The Peniseve contains one of Bucky’s own missing memories, from his time as the Winter Sorcerer. This is how Tony learns that his parents did not die by accidently aparating into a werewolf’s den, as the Daily Prophet had reported. They had apparated safely to their vacation destination, only to be greeted by one of Howard Stark’s old friends, now a vampire that seemingly didn’t recognize him. When the Pensieve dumps Tony back into reality, he understandably snaps. And yet, Tony never takes any of the ample chances he has to blast Bucky’s or Steve’s heads off, instead going for throttling and blasting metal arms off. It’s almost as if he’s simply having a human reaction to something traumatic, rather than genuinely trying to murder anyone. But Steve is still being influenced by the golden idiot ball he swallowed.  After mentioning Bucky’s mind-control situation once (in a bored voice), Steve never brings the issue up again. Instead, he spends the rest of the fight bellowing corny lines at Tony, like, “This won’t change what happened,” and “I could do this all day!” The enchantment on the Snitch he ate now has Steve viewing Tony as another generic villain, in need of generic heroic lectures, instead of a comrade who’s just watched his parents get killed by someone standing right next to him (and in the same instance learned the other guy standing next to him knew for ages and kept it from him). “Steve, seriously!” Bucky yells, as Tony blasts off his metal arm, “If you’re not gonna mention my mind-control to him, then just stop talking!”

Ignoring him, Steve heroically holds up his fists and bellows to Tony, “I could do this all day!” “You already said that!” Tony snaps, aiming his wand for another blow. Steve retorts, “Down with the Empire! Remember Alderaan!” and punches Tony repeatedly in the head….in the exact same manner Tony has just watched Bucky kill his father with in the Pensieve.

Shockingly, Tony remains pissed. With a finally corny cry of, “Gondor lives!” Steve breaks Tony’s his wand in half with his shield, ending the fight. Which, in total, lasted about twenty minutes, if that. About the amount of time one might expect a blind rage from someone in Tony’s position to last. Tony then shouts his famous, “That shield doesn’t belong to you!” line. At this point, a sober Steve Rogers would come out of his rage and realized that Tony was now incapacitated, visibly cooling down, and still conscious, and that this was the opportune moment to apologize, remind Tony of Bucky’s mind-control, and get everyone back on track against Zemo. But that Golden Snitch, oozing with the Russo curse, still flutters around Steve’s innards. So instead, Steve dramatically! drops the shield, and heads off into the Forest with Bucky. To Steve’s credit, his Gryffindor chivlary prevailed when he dropped the shield he was “unworthy” of; his common sense and empathy just… didn’t. A Royal Hairball T'Challa is perhaps the only individual who clearly remembers leaving the Quidditch field that day.

Near the end of the game, he had Bucky in his claws. The Animagus opened his panther jaws to begin another epic speech of revenge. But instead of powerful words, out of the panther’s mouth came pained, wheezing gags. Bucky just stared emo-ly under his rock star hair. T’Challa motioned with a paw that he had to excuse himself from the game. The panther leapt from broom to broom until he reached the bleachers, then rushed underneath them to cough up a violent hairball.  Up with the hairball came most of the Firewhisky and Hobbitus Cannibus that he had been unknowingly ingesting all day. His head now clear, T'Challa has been reflecting on the day’s events. He recalls that when the suicide-pumpkin detonated, Bucky Barnes was sitting next to him, snogging Steve. And now that he thinks about it, Barnes doesn’t seem have any trace of a European accent. Could it be that the man evil enough to murder his father might also be evil enough to lie about his identity? Still in panther form, T'Challa begins sniffing for clues… T’Challa finds his way to the Forbidden Forest, where he sees Steve, Bucky and Tony fighting, and Zemo cackling from behind a bush. The panther catches the culprit, and gets the truth from him at claw-point. Helmut Zemo is an embittered and eccentric Durmstrang student, who blames the Order of the Avengers for the deaths of his imaginary wife Gwendolyn, and their three imaginary children, Huey, Dewy and Damocles. Vowing revenge, Zemo set out to destroy the Avengers from within. T'Challa’s Gryffindor chivalry now comes to light, and he realizes, “You have let revenge consume you. It has consumed them. I’m finished letting it consume me.”

T’Challa, still in panther form, drags Zemo back to Hogwarts like a dead mouse, and delivers him to the Dementors. T’Challa later apologizes to Bucky, and offers the vampire amnesty in the secret wizarding nation of Wakanda. Prison Break! Soon after the fight with Tony, Steve belches back up the Golden Snitch. As his head clears, Steve realizes how stupid he’s been. But Tony’s already gone. Steve focuses on the comrades who need his help right now. Sam, Clint, Wanda and Scott are still serving detention inside the Giant Squid’s stomach. Coughing up the Snitch has given Steve an idea.

Steve returns to the lake, and with raised fists, yells and the Squid to come face him like a man. The Giant Squid obliges. Steve then drops his dukes and whips out his wand.

“Accio Nausea Fuel!” A Muggle television set comes soaring forth in from who-knows-where. Playing on the TV is a movie, incidentally staring a relative of Zemo’s: “The Human Centipede.” The Squid is soon puking Steve’s teammates back up, one by one. When Thudnerbolt Ross contacts Tony about the jail-break via the Floo Network, Tony “accidentally” dumps the contents of his snakes’ litter boxes into the fireplace, “missing” the call. How Not to Apologize: Steve then writes an apology letter to Tony, or tries to. Unfortunately, Steve is still half-drunk when he pens and mails the letter, and still suffering some residual effects of the Idiot Balls, particularly Dramatis Personae and Fratres Russo. As a result, Tony ends up reading an embarrassing vanity project about Steve’s life and philosophical musings, spattered with lazy and cliched justifications. Tony finds it particularly ironic that Steve dodges giving him an honest explanation for keeping the information about his parents from him, in the letter where he is “apologizing,” specifically, for keeping information from Tony. Not long after, no one is surprised to see Tony Stark strolling out of the girl’s bathroom, whistling over the sound of a flushing toilet and an angry Moaning. But people are a bit confused when Tony throws up his hands and says, “Great, now I got ink all over my butt!” Separate Ways: Everyone on Team Cap is expelled from Hogwarts, as is Natasha, who violated school dress code one too many times.  Hawkeye and Scott Lang finish their education from home through owl correspondence courses. Charon Carter returns home to America. The rest join Steve Rogers in forming an independent study group in Hogsmeade, to finish their schooling. Tony continues tutoring Peter Parker, both for normal classes and being an Avenger. He gets himself much-needed psychiatric help, and gets back together with Pepper. In Wakanda, T’Challa’s brilliant sister Shuri builds an impenetrable, magic glass coffin for Bucky, and begins working on a way to make him immune to the Imperius Curse. Once cured, Bucky takes work tending the flocks of thestrals on the Wakandan castle grounds. “How does it feel to come so far…?” Ministry Auror and former Ravenclaw student Everett Ross stops by Helmut Zemo’s Azkaban cell for a gloat. “So,” Everett teases, “How does it feel to come all this way, only to fail?” “Did I?” Zemo replies sinisterly. “An empire that is defeated by its enemies can rise again, but one that crumbles from within, that is dead.”

“And what’s that got to do with this?“ Everett asks. "The Avengers only crumbled due to an outside enemy—you.” A cruel smile begins to spread on Zemo’s face. “Only because I exposed the true nature of the Avengers.” “If this was about their ‘true natures,’ then why did you have to get them all to act so out-of-character, and inhumanly stupid, in order to make this ‘civil war’ happen?” Everett retorts. Zemo says quietly, “where do you think I got the Firewhisky and Hobbit Weed to spike their food with? who do you think taught me those jinxes, to turn the Quidditch balls into Idiot Balls?” Everett can only stare, now totally lost. Zemo sneers, “From the writing staff! My goal wasn’t just to destroy the Avengers as a team, but as a franchise! Yes, peering beyond the Forth Wall is an especially difficult form of Divination, which I have mastered! Today, I exposed to the entire audience how little the writers truly care about their characters, story or audience, if there’s a chance for cheap ‘drama’ and cartoonish fanboy-service! The MCU’s worst film, in any universe, has exposed to all the fans that this is nothing more than a cheap popcorn franchise. Watch now as the superhero genre loses its steam, and begins to collapse from within. Look at the DC movies, it’s already happening!” Everett can only stare at the sad, strange little man behind the barred window. Azkaban truly does drive its prisoners to incurable madness.  Shaking his head, Everett takes his leave.

AN: Guess what my least favorite Marvel movie is. And those naysayers said I couldn’t write an AU fic, a parody, and a movie review all in one post!

[serpentsangel]

Raised on the Wrong Side: Part Five

Taglist: @swordsandserpents @nonononononono-i-cant  @smilexoxoes @valeriemusiclove  @kayladooley @choke-me-sweet-pea @evyiione @daya-thelastunicorn @truthfulchange 

Also tagging some of my favorite blogs, much love to them: @sweetspea @southsideserpentsweetpea

A/N: (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ PART FIIIIIIVE. I have a better plan now on how I want to direct this story, so I am now even MORE excited to write the story with the things that I have in store for you. I really do appreciate you guys for supporting this so far, I started writing this when I was in a sleep-deprived state but full of inspiration and just word vomited it all out, but your support has given me the drive I needed to continue and now I have an entire story in store for you <3 Thank you <3

Plot:  (Y/N) adapts to her new life down in the South and having everyone wanting to go after her, while Sweet Pea tries to figure out what the outsider is doing to him and why he’s acting the way he does whenever she’s around.

Warnings: Some language and mild violence

Words: 2,271

Part One // Part Two // Part Three // Part Four 

Part Five

(Y/N) woke up on the floor where FP laid out some pillows, stretching her arms as the morning light came through a small crack through the curtain. Emptiness and quiet echoed through the trailer, except for the pesky morning birds that insist on having a concert this early in the morning. (Y/N) gets up from the floor, stretching her arms and heads to the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

“Jones! Are you in there?” A voice calls out. (Y/N) groans as she walks and opens the door, Fangs stood there, his hand still up ready to knock but they stayed there as his eyes scanned down and noticed that (Y/N) forgot to put her pants on. “Uh….”

“Eyes up here, perv.” She snaps her fingers in his face and Fangs clears his throat as she looks back up at her. “If you’re looking for Jughead, he isn’t here.” (Y/N) looks behind Fangs and sees the usual Sweet Pea and Toni. “Did you need anything in particular?”

“Clearly he isn’t here, let’s just head to school, guys.” Sweet Pea doesn’t make eye contact with (Y/N), in fact, it felt like he was trying to avoid her eyes in general. “He left without us.” Without a word of goodbye, the three of them left. (Y/N) walked back into the trailer and changed into some comfier pieces of clothing, her fathers Serpent jacket hanging up in the corner looking as abandoned as she felt inside. Hey, remember that no matter what happens to me, these people will always be here to take care of you. They are your family. The voice of her father rings through as she traces the pattern of the snake and each lettering on the back of the jacket. Memories of her strange fascination and fear of the double-headed snake but it was a symbol burned in the back of her head ever since her mother took her away. Ever since her father disappeared.

“You’re awake.” FP says as he enters the trailer with stealth, placing a plastic bag on the table.

“Do you think my mother killed my father?” (Y/N) spills out, the craziness of how she ended up in the North making links to the strangeness in her mothers behaviour and her obsessive tendencies to keep her away from the South seemed to make sense, sure she may sound like a lunatic but the not knowing has left a massive void in her life and the older she got, the more painful it became. “I mean, the day she takes me away so happens to be the day he disappears and out of everything she keeps from him, why the Serpent jacket? Why did she want to leave?”

FP purses his lips as he places his hands on (Y/N) shoulder and turns her around. “Look, we all have our own ideas on what happened to your father and yes it’s been long enough for us to assume we may never find him alive but regardless of what happened in your parents marriage, your mother would never do that.”

“Then why would she hide all of this from me? I was happy here. I felt like I belonged.”

“Your mother was brought into the Serpent game the moment she decided to be with your father. We Serpent’s, we believe that it’s a ride or die situation. Contrary to popular belief, we treat and respect each other like family, heck maybe even beyond that. We would put each other first beyond anyone else. Maybe it got too much for her, the kind of shenanigans that we are known for. She got tired of it and left. As she wasn’t around for long, we all sided with your father. You’re back now and all that matters is you start to be the Serpent you were meant to be.” Taking off the jacket from it’s hanging place, FP proudly puts the jacket on (Y/N), rolling the sleeves up and dusting off any of the excess dirt. “Now go get ‘em kiddo.” **** Jughead sat down last on the table missing the context of the conversation and was greeted with Fangs blurting out something about the ‘Northsider visiting’ Sweet Pea’s trailer. “So, what’d you guys do? Shake it out?” He nudges Sweet Pea in the rib but the dead shot look in his eyes got him quieted down, for now at least.

“(Y/N) went to see you? How does she even know where you live?” Jughead questions.

Sweet Pea shrugs. “I don’t know. She didn’t say, she just turned up wearing a Serpent jacket and I brought her in because she was going to get herself killed if anyone saw her in it.”

“Aw, does Sweet Pea have a sweet side?” Toni teased, pretending to pinch his cheeks. “I’m more surprised that a Northside girl is the one to finally break your tough barrier.” She lightly kicks him under the table as the others snickered. Sweet Pea was left with his jaw clenching tight, fists curling up wanting so desperately to start a fight with one of them but he kept his cool just enough not to cause any injury to his friends. As much as they pissed the hell out of him, he still would never want to hurt them personally. “It’s all in good name, Sweet Pea. If she hurts you, we won’t hesitate to hurt her back. We got you.”

“I’m going to take a walk.” Sweet Pea quickly gets up, throwing his trash away before storming out of the cafeteria. The empty hallways left space for him to think just to himself, he hated, absolutely hated, the mere idea that his friends think he could ever feel something like that for someone. “They think I care? Ha. It was just helping someone that clearly has no common sense.” He finds himself heading to his locker just as the other students started to swarm the hallways. Just as he closes his locker he felt someone bump into him. “Hey, watch it!” The kid didn’t seem to care, their eyes focused elsewhere. Sweet Pea follows his trail and sees (Y/N) approach, an annoyed groan stirs deep in his chest as she stops right by him. “Did those Serpents wanting to kill you not give you enough warning to not wear that jacket, princess?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Don’t give a shit.” (Y/N) pushes past him and goes to open the locker next to his.

Sweet Pea scares off the last few kids lingering around and leans against his locker and talks lowly to (Y/N), to ensure no one else heard them. “Things are different down here and you can’t just do whatever you want to do. You need to understand there are rules. There’s a structure to how things work around here. You may have the skin of a Serpent but to everyone else here you are still a Northside body and they’ll keep looking at you like that until you’ve proven yourself.”

“And what does this matter to you?” (Y/N) grins at Sweet Pea. “I can tell you really are trying hard to appease the Serpents but deep inside you’re thinking exactly what everyone else is thinking about, I’m some outsider claiming that my father was your old leader just to destroy you guys from the inside but not all snakes bite.”

“Halloween isn’t for a couple of months, honey.” A cold voice snapped from behind (Y/N) she turned to be faced with three people that cornered off all her points of escape, with Sweet Pea being behind her, she has nowhere else to go. “You aren’t tricking any of us here, Northsider especially not after your parade into here. You’re on our turf now.”

“Back off before either of us send you to the hospital.” Sweet Pea threatened, taking a step forward but (Y/N) crosses an arm across his torso to stop him from doing so. He looks down at her confused; no way can she take down three Ghoulies all on her own.

The Ghoulies scoffed. “You think you can fight us? Aren’t you worried you’ll crack your precious little nails?” As they laughed, (Y/N) swings her leg to knock over the apparent leader down. Moving quickly, she grips tightly to their arm, turns and elbows them right in the stomach twice before crouching them to place all her strength in throwing them down to the ground. (Y/N) lightly chokes the Ghoulie on the ground as she uses her body weight to hold them down, her nails digging slightly into their neck as they struggle to get up. A small crowd gathering, Sweet Pea silenced by the skills she possesses.

“Listen up here, asshole. You dare try to touch me ever again, I will not hesitate to dig these nails straight into your jugular vein and I’ll leave you bleeding here on these filthy floors and I won’t waste a second to do the same to any of your friends, got it?” The Ghoulie nods quickly. “I don’t understand you, scum.” (Y/N) tightens her grip around their neck as they croak out an audible ‘yes’. She releases them as their friends struggle to get them back up.  (Y/N) wipes her hands on her jeans before turning her attention back to Sweet Pea. “As you can tell, I will be fine regardless, you can look out for me as much as you want but I don’t need you.”

Watching her walk away, Sweet Pea couldn’t tell whether he was hurt, by her comment, or taking a liking to her for the brave display she presented earlier. Wait. Why does either of it matter? She doesn’t need me, so what? I don’t need her. Get it out of your head, idiot. Sweet Pea shakes it off before heading in the opposite direction to his class.

**** At Riverdale High, the student common room was fairly calm but the storm that is Reggie running in, huffing and puffing disrupted the relaxing aura, all eyes on him as he struggles to get a single word out. “Reggie, are you okay?” Archie gets up and helps him onto a seat. “Somebody get him a water, now!” Betty scrambles for some change to get a drink from the vending machine as she hands it over to Archie. “Hey, hey. What’s wrong?”

“(Y/N)…..” Reggie huffs out. Throwing the lid of the water bottle away to the side, Reg takes a big swig of it before taking a minute to let the water help him regain his speech back. “….it’s about (Y/N) I haven’t heard from her in a couple days and I went over to her place and her mother says she’s…..(Y/N) is missing!” All, except for Betty, gather around Reggie as he shakes from the devastation of the news.

“Hey man, calm down. It’ll be alright.” Archie sits carefully on the delicate armrest of the chair as he gives Reggie another bottle of water and a few paper towels to deal with the water spilling easily out of his shaking mouth.

“(Y/N) isn’t missing. Jug came by the other day saying she went down to the South. Something about trying to find out about her fathers disappearance. Reggie, you can see (Y/N).” Betty reached for her phone and sent a quick text to Jug, not long after, her phone buzzes again and she smiles softly. “Jug says she’s down at Southside High.”

Reggie gets up but Archie blocks his way. “I know what you’re thinking buddy but I am not going to let you go down there on your own. I’m coming with you.” “Count me in.” Betty and Kevin chime in.

“Guess it’s a little adventure.”

**** (Y/N) yawns lightly as she pushes through the crowds of over-excited students ready to go home and do nothing, this school was far more exhausting than she ever thought it’d be. In the attempt to spot her bike, she spotted someone else instead. “Reg?” Her heart skipped a beat as the two of them spotted each other. Shoving some students aside, Reg sprints over and wraps his arms around (Y/N) in a tight embrace, lifting her up from the grown and spinning her around. “What are you doing here? Wait, how did you even know I was here?”

“When I didn’t hear from you, I went to your place and your mother said you were missing but Betty said you came down here. What the hell are you doing coming down to this mess, babe?” (Y/N) tangles her hand with his, missing that touch. The guilt running through each embrace she wanted to tell him but he wouldn’t understand her and he would’ve tried to talk her out of it. This was one thing she needed to do on her own.

“It’s complicated, look. I’ll come see you when I can, alright?” (Y/N) smiles softly as she tiptoes and presses a kiss to his lips, calming him down. “Want to grab a bite?” She caresses his cheek and he nods, taking hold of her hand as they head for her bike, the others getting back in their own vehicles.

Sweet Pea stood still on the staircase, bearing witness to it all, his arms crossed firmly. A fiery feeling stirred up in his stomach but he couldn’t tell what it is. All he knows is that whoever that boy is, is someone he never wants to see again. Especially seeing him with her.

[riverdaleroundup]

Riverdale Roundup 20x21: “The Killing of A Sacred Deer”

So Riverdale was on last night. I confirmed did not watch. I couldn’t watch it on my tv and I was far too lazy to get a stream up so like here we are. I go into my PVR to watch it this morning and it’s like “ no information found” and i’m ready to fume but when I pressed on it it still played so it was just god playing a little funny on me. Anyway, when I went on the internet last night people were like shitting their pants about this episode so i’m expecting something good. I’ve got my tea. Lets go.

Apparently I forgot about every single thing that happened last episode because their little recap has me straight shook. Like Reggie shot fangs? In what world?

So the Black Hood rolls up at Cheryl's house fitting to kill her and I’m just down for that. I’ve recently decided to stan Cheryl. I love the villian with a heart of gold. Please see season 1-3 Alex Karev.

So the black hood is coming after Cheryl with a casual axe because he apparently misplaced his gun, and he hacks up her lovely bedroom door. Cheryl goes all hunger games and whips out her bow and arrow and shoots the guy. I mean she could have done us all a favour and killed the guy so we can all move on to greener pastures. Like they aren’t going to drag this shit into season 3 are they? I don’t need another pretty little liars 7 seasons of dealing it, A, or the A team, or charles or whatever that stupid show morphed into.

Cheryl is the most casual girl ever. She just calls up Betty and is like “ yeah so the black hood just tried to kill me and i’m going to go hunt him in the woods. Want to do brunch on saturday?”

So Reggie didn’t shoot Fangs. I mean I guess it makes sense. Reggie was on the ground and Fangs got shot in the stomach so that would have had to have been quite the angle.

Hiram Lodge is like giddy about this whole riot. It's like christmas morning for the little guy.

Betty is uber convinced that her Daddy is the black hood and is worried that someone is going to murder him since Hermione is offering up a casual million dollars for the blackhoods head on a platter, preferably silver. Preferably polished.

So Veronica sees Midges mom wandering on the streets looking coked out as fuck and plot twist she was the one who shot fangs. I mean she thought he murdered her daughter but I mean that evidence is so damn thin.

Reggie is hiding behind a dumpster because bitches are out for him. He calls Mr Lodge and is like “ Daddy help” but Hiram isn’t his daddy anymore. He’s got to deal with this ish on his own.

All the football players + Kevin are out looking for Reggie. They end up at the high school where Sweet Pea and his boys are fitting to burn the place to the ground. Seems a little extreme but SP is cute so I probs would have allowed it.

Principal weatherbee shows up with like a bat or something and is like “ What the fuck? All you skanks better leave rn or i’m flip.” Honestly it’s very Mean girls with the principal and and the bat and i’m honestly surprised he doesn’t send them all to the gym for a seminar on confidence. He will keep them there ALL NIGHT. He can’t keep them past four. He will keep them there till FOUR.

Eventually the gang finds Reggie at Pops and honestly no one should be surprised because there are only ever 3 places anyone could ever be in Riverdale. It’s shocking that Pop had to call Archie to tell him that Reggie was there. They had basically knocked every other possibility off the list.

Betty gets a call from an unknown number and she thinks it’s the black hood, but I mean come on. Her annoying ass ringtone didn’t go off so we all know that it wasn’t going to be BH. It’s FP calling from a pay phone being like  

“ My bitch ass little son is a slithery lil snakey snake and ran off. Is he with you? Also your dad is in the ER.”

Betty promptly gets shook because she knows that Cheryl shot the black hood with an arrow so if Hal is bleeding from the shoulder shit is about to go down.

A bunch of crazies roll up to pops and Archie is pissed that Jughead hasn’t reigned in all his little friends but get shook guys. It’s the Goolies or whatever they’re called. I honestly forgot about them. It seems like decades ago since everyone put on their favourite vintage outfits and went out to watch the street race.

So the football players are trying to barricade the shop and poor pop tate is triggered. The guy has been through enough. Wars. Riots.The whole thing. But he knows how to deal with this ish. They going to lite this place up.

The Goolies are ready to take some names but boom. The Sheriffs cruiser appears out of nowhere and the silver fox fires his gun into the air sending the goolies running.

Hot dads for the win. FP and Keller are everything. Fred is there too but everyone needs a duff.  I would like to make it clear that I audibly out loud said “ yas hot dads unite” before Kevin mentioned anything about the trio. Just want to put that out there.

Betty goes running to the hospital and into her dads room but oops get shook. Hal isn’t there, but Dr Mcstuffins is dead. Poor guy. Asked too many questions. Sounds like every single one of my relatives and neighbours.

The phone beside the hospital bed rings because the black hood just magically knows that Betty has arrived in the room, and he’s like “ listen bitch, it’s past your bedtime. Get your skinny ass home or ima kill your mom. Okay. see you in 10. Byyeeee”

Jughead is brooding at the bar when his phone rings. It’s freaking Alice Jr, Penny Peabody.

She’s all like “ Hey babe. Listen i’m still kind of pissed at you so I kidnapped your girlfriend and was thinking that i’m cut her up into little pieces if you don’t come meet me by the docks.”

Jughead is all like

“Omg no not Betty!”  but Penny is behind on the times and just has Toni. At this point Jughead is just like

“Lol sorry bitch. You’re barking up the wrong tree. Maybe call Cheryl.”

Betty comes home and Alice is just chillin on the couch, enjoying her evening. Betty is like

“ We gotta go right now.”  but Alice already has popcorn on because Hal is going to show them home movies.

So Hal’s real name is Harold? What’s sad is that I find that to be the most shocking part of this. So Hal's dad murdered the conway family because they were sinners? What did these bitches do? Not recycle? So Hal went up to lil janitor before he became big janitor and convinced him that it wasn’t Hals dad who killed the guys family but some rando.

So Pappi Cooper killed Papi blossom and became Pappi Cooper as a cover. Does not make sense to me but okay. I feel like someone would done their ancestry tree and put this ish together but whatever.

So the Conway family knew the truth about this shit and blackmailed the Coopers about it. So those bitches need to die.

Hal has darkness and Betty has got it too so watch out kids. Elizabeth might kill next. I mean she already sent Chic to his death ( maybe)

Hal is like “ say it Betty. Say it out loud” and she’s like “ a vampire” jk. He’s the black hood. BUT there’s another black hood. Are they working together or is this just some random hoe? TBD.

Oh heck BH 2 is attacking Archie! Thank God Fred was there to take the bitch down. BUT makes the fatal mistake of not unmasking the guy when he had the chance.  Fred gets shot AGAIN but thankfully ex Sheriff Hot pants gave him a bulletproof vest.

Alice and Betty are confused about why Hal is telling them all this and why he wants it recorded, and he’s like

“So everyone will understand when we’re gone, or what happened to us” or some bullshit like that. I don’t remember the exact words but it was very menacing. So like is he thinking a double murder suicide type thing or? That’s the vibe i’m getting tbh.

Jughead shows up to the docks and Penny has the Goolie with the heavy eye make up with her. He’s like fitting to taze Jughead but Juggie brought Katniss with him so they Gucci.

Penny just wants to live her life and sell drugs. If they don’t let her do that then the Goolies and the serpents are going to rumble, not a midnight, but at dawn. You know. To keep things fresh.

I forgot about this small fry guy and that he’s coming after the Lodges. Also forgot all about Veronica and Hermione shit talking Hiram while he’s out. So like Hiram is going to expose Freds affair with Hermione but Fred was separated at the time and i’m pretty sure he’s not divorced. So really it was Hermione who was cheating on her spouse. I mean yeah it’s not great for Fred but he wasn’t going against HIS family.

Veronica and Hermione are still fighting when Small Fry breaks down the damn door and is like “ your daddy killed my daddy, prepare to die.”

Hermione is a terrible shot and misses the first 7 times but she gets the bitch eventually.

So Sweet Pea and Jughead are fighting about what to do about the Goolies when FP walks in the tells everyone that Fangs died. The poor baby. They vote about what to do and they decide they’re going to fight the bitches. So I mean, shit it bound to get lit.

Although Alice just found out her no good rotten husband has murdered like a ton of people she can still verbally assault him. GOD HAL YOU ARE SO STUPID.

“Are you going to kill everyone who has ever jay walked?”

And damn, bringing out FP. That cuts deep. Kill it Alice. Oh shit Hal don’t kill Alice! Betty beats him over the head with a fire poker!

FP is stressed! So there are serpent reserves? Who would that be?

So Jughead calls Hiram and is like “ Hey buddy. I know you’re the one making all this shit happen so like let’s make a deal.”

Hiriam comes home and baby boy Andre is dead! He runs upstairs all freaked out that he might have to say rip to his fam but they’re just at the table, waiting for him to come home and clean up the dead body in the study. That’s a blue job.

So Hal is being arrested and Archie is like “ omg he just tried to shoot my dad like 20 mins ago” and Betty acts all shook like she doesn’t already know that there’s another black hood. Pull it together sister.

She gets a call from Jughead and he’s like “ I love you bitch. I ain’t ever going to stop loving you biiiitch” and then he says he’ll see her soon. COULD YOU JUST EXPLAIN YOURSELF REAL QUICK PLEASE?

Oh Hell. Jughead is giving himself over the Penny and the Goolies?  So they’re just going to beat him to death and then murder all the serpents come morning? That seems extreme.

Hiriam took care of the body with the less hot ( but still hot) more crooked sheriff and Veronica is done with his shit.

Oh hell. FP carrying jugheads body? He isn’t dead. The bitch can’t be dead can he? It’s only the second season.  Well damn guys. Guess we’ll have to see.

I’m once again not reading this over because I have things to do today. Thank you and goodbye.

[yourpaljughead]

                                yourpaljughead turns ONE ! ! ! 

                                         ❛    est. feb 15, 2017    ❜

loved by v indie, highly selective, private, canon jughead jones from riverdale

one year ago today i started my adventure with jughead. i had no idea what this would turn into or where my writing would go, but every day i am so happy and so blessed to be apart of this community. sure it has its ups and downs, but i’ve learned to keep the best close to me. thank you for those who have stuck around since the beginning and thank you to those who are still interested in writing with me to this day. below the cut is some love i have to dish out. so, again, thank you. i am really blessed to be yourpaljughead.

to @southsidelover:

you bless me every day with your writing. you get to come first because i am biased and you are my best friend, but you are also the person i’ve written the longest with. 7+ years babe! it’s almost incredible to think how long it’s been, but i am blessed to have you in my life. i am so happy you decided to pick up Toni because no one can do her justice like you can. she is perfect for you and you are perfect for her. i am so blessed to be able to develop jughead and develop my writing alongside you on this tumblr stage. it’s been a wild 7 years but here is to 7, and then 7, and then another 7, 7, & 7 more years. love you deep down in my gay little heart. #You’reTheBestJake

to @queenv:

nyx, you’re a true angel. thank you for sticking around with my jughead for so long and thank you for becoming my friend. it has been a truly wild year but you’ve always stuck by me and supported my choices. it means the world to know that you have my back, that you love my writing and that we can continue to develop jug & veronica in whatever setting we put them in. it’s a real pleasure and i am so happy to call you my friend and writing partner!

to @iconicandbeyondreproach​

babe i’m so glad we’re good friends. talking to you each day is a real joy and it’s been lovely to get to know you! i love your betty deep in my soul. from day one i knew the connection jug and betty had would be strong and that’s proven so. it’s been so much fun to come up with new scenes for them and be able to explore jug in different ways. it lets me expand his voice in my head and for that i am truly grateful. you’re a doll, c. thank you!

to @mapleblood​

YOU’RE THE BEST. talking to you more and more each day has been so much fun. i really feel our friendship growing. thanks for exploring jug and cheryl with me because their dynamic has always amazed me. your cheryl has a way of bringing out jughead’s softer side which lets me write something new and fresh. thank you so much for that, it is truly invaluable~ here’s to tons more fun things to write together and for our friendship to grow

to @lastjones​

gosh, words can’t even describe how amazing you are! thank you for exploring the most important relationship in jug’s life with me. your jellybean is fierce and loving, and she gives jughead something new to deal with every day. she reminds him that family is everything (and that toni is a babe). our friendship has really grown and i’m so thankful. you make me feel so included, and you make me feel invaluable as jughead. that means more than i could ever say!

to @mademiistakes​

BABE. gosh, getting to know you has been so lovely. our chats are always funny, filled with rambling and, of course, the headcanons. thank you for appreciating my jughead. it means the absolute world to me to have your gladys in my son’s life, exploring the relationship he needs. thank you so so much for that, and for your friendship each day! 

to @interstellalips​

buttercup! having both of your muses in my son’s life is amazing, more so with hara now that we’re writing them mostly! it’s so fun to explore new sides of jug post-serpents to see how confident and strong he really has become. he’s not afraid and for me, being able to develop that alongside your hara has meant the world! you’re a wonderful friend and i know we haven’t been talking A LOT ooc, but let’s pick that back up~

to @serpentfamily

v to my w! you have been such a gem on here. i’ve really enjoyed writing with all of your muses, even if some of them haven’t vibed well with my Soft Boy LOL - but I’m really blessed to have you on my timeline and have you in my drafts. you’ve been such a trooper in writing with my son in different ways / scenes and it really means so much to me. thank you for sticking around, and for your lovely friendship.

to @rxvenhairedprincess​

i know we don’t talk as much as we used to but thank you for writing alongside both my jug and my fangs. it’s meant a lot that you care enough about my boys to be interested! your veronica really is something special and every time jug meets her he’s amazed. you write her so wonderful. let’s keep that up!

to @witchbuilt​

THE REAL OG. we wrote together so long ago and i’m so blessed you brought sabrina back. she’s sweet and caring. she always gives jughead the reminder he needs to be present and draws him out of his serpent cocoon. you’re such a lovely person, too, so thank you for keeping in touch with me while you were gone. i’m so glad you’re back!

to @kalxidoscopc​

DELLA. you’re hysterical. i see you being such a light in everyone’s life and i think that is such a beautiful thing! you make me and my jug feel included, so thank you! i know we haven’t gotten a chance to write much for FP and Archie, but i’m still so blessed you have you around!

to @thegirlwiththebuffytattoo

LMAO OKAY I KNOW WE DON’T WRITE HERE BUT TRUST ME. I know we haven’t even written on Jug, and I drew you over here so we can keep in touch, but I really had such a blast writing Rachel with you. You always brought out a softer side in her which was totally needed, even if she struggled with it. It would be fun to see how Jug and Arc interact, but I’m just happy you are around to say hello!

to @aresoperfect​:

you’re a complete sweetheart. i know our writing has been far and few between lately, but you’re still one of my first betty’s ever. thank you for sticking around on this blog for so long, and thank you for your support. it means a lot when blogs have suck on my child for so long, keep messaging me and let’s keep this friendship going!

to @sweetndwit​

babe as fuck! i can always, always rely on a reply coming from you - even if we take weeks to reply to each other. i know our commitment to our kids, but also to the connection we’ve created for them, will always burn brightly! thanks for sticking around for so long and caring so much - it means the world, it really does.

to @dangeress:

i know we don’t write or talk much lately, but i really am blessed to have you on my dash. you were one of the first writers i really admired from afar. you’re such a wonder. you always post beautiful, inspirational things and it encourages me to open my mind and be a better person! or sometimes it just reiterates the things i already know and practice every day. you’re a gem and thank you for supporting me and ypj for all this time

to those of you who are lovely as all heck: some of you i talk to, some of you i write with a lot, an some of you i’ve never written with ! if we haven’t, let’s fix that ! ( but those of you waiting for a reply i swear it’s coming LOL )

@bubblegumxveil & @spiritus-amicus & @perfectioncursed & @antibuttons & @bettycoooper & @lacepcnties & @sweetlycourageous & @notfirebutice & @chaosblossomed & @crescentpalmed & @serpentbred & @snakefound & @bombscheryl & @snakeswithguns & @ofcatears & @bcysnextdoor & @scribblingg