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amphtaminedreams · 3 years ago

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A Retrospective Film Tier Ranking 2020-2021: COVID Killed Cinema (And My Concentration)

Hey!

I would use the “surprise, bitch!” meme here since the last time I did a film tier ranking was FEBRUARY of TWENTY-fucking-TWENTY, but I think I’ve overdone that one a bit, so I’ll instead insert a good old Jonathan Van Ness gif here:

I’m finally back at it with a 2020/2021 film retrospective and ranking everything I’ve seen over the past 2 years in the format of choice for all !!very!! prolific film critics: by tiers. The way I’m not sat on the Oscars selection committee yet? Disgraceful. Let’s call it what it is, discrimination against those of us who enjoyed Jared Leto in House of Gucci.

No, but in all seriousness, my attention span is so awful recently it is near impossible for me to actually sit still long enough to watch a whole film and the last few times I’ve been to the cinema I’ve ate too much before and ended up falling asleep. Maybe I enjoyed Jared Leto so much because I dozed off at two very crucial points of HoG and didn’t need to necessarily understand what I missed to be entertained by the concept of Luigi (or Mario? Can’t remember which of the brothers it was he was channelling in that film, just that the Italian plumber vibes were cranked up to a thousand) on crack. But anyway, the combination of this & COVID putting so many releases on hold means that I didn’t get through anywhere near as many films as I usually do. For that reason, I thought I’d combine the past 2 years into one post. As a reminder, I’m NOT a film critic-my opinions can be trash so don’t put too much stock in them. Put stock in the Letterboxd screen caps I’m going to include xo

I think based on the fact that this is 2 years worth of films and it’s going to take me an age to write, I’ll probably try and break it down into four parts or so, and that way I can post other content in between as well. I have this thing about not wanting to upload too many photo heavy posts consecutively because it ends up looking a bit messy. Satisfying my anal retentiveness is a depressingly fruitless goal at work given that customers tend to treat convenience stores like bomb sites (no, the biscuit shelf is NOT in fact a portal through which the tub of ice cream you just left on it can travel back to the freezer, Sharon! Can you believe?), so every other thing in my life has to be my outlet to do that, okay? I’ve also sorted the films into tiers from a chronological list so that’s kinda the order this will go in, i.e the first 25 films I watched in 2021 sorted into God tier, good tier, shit tier and so on. Now, to use a phrase which shows I’ve been listening to way too much My Favourite Murder lately, that’s housekeeping out of the way! So let’s act like a middle aged white man and rock and roll, starting with some positivity (though don’t be fooled, putting my God tier first is not about “good vibes only”, it’s about saving the best til last because God knows we all love a scathing review).

GOD TIER

Parasite (Bong Joon-ho, 2019)

Writing this post and looking back on my list I was like “there’s no fucking way Parasite came out in 2020” but it did here in the UK and JESUS CHRIST DOES THAT NOT JUST DRIVE HOME HOW LONG THIS COVID SHIT HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR. Before I get into the movie itself though, can we just reminisce on this Bong Joon-ho moment:

That’s some real king shit right there.

But I’m gonna go the extra mile and drag people who DO watch foreign language films with American dubbing too. Those who have difficulties with reading and forego subtitles for that reason, this isn’t aimed at you. This is aimed at anyone who thinks American voice actors ADD to a production, to whom I really must ask: are you okay? At at which point in your life was it that you stubbed your toe so hard or something that the blood rushing to it triggered a freak aneurysm, suffocating the cells of the neural pathway up in your brain responsible for TASTE? I’m sorry but forget COVID, nobody kills a movie like a cast of American voice actors. Doing the absolute most with the inappropriate tonal shifts, the unnecessary volume, the arbitrary inflections, if you’ve seen too many of them you know exactly what I mean. I know they want to get their coin but can we tone it down a little!? They go in channelling Sharpay and Ryan performing Bop to the Top on the most basic of lines. And for what? For whom?

But to the point, *SPOILERS* Parasite does live up to all the hype imo. I heard so much about this film and fortunately, wasn’t disappointed by the narrative shift like I had kinda prepared myself to be, given I knew there was something a bit wild coming. I wouldn’t call the revelation about the ex-housekeeper and her husband living in the basement a twist so much as a realisation of…oh shit, now where is this story gonna go? moment and I don’t think Bong Joon-Ho meant it to be any received any differently. I think people in the marketing industry have this misconception that banging on about a piece of media having a big “crazy twist” helps sell it, or that abrupt narrative shifts are always what the audience want, but it’s so off-putting to me, knowing that I can’t necessarily take what I’m reading or watching at face value. Seriously, it’s a huge detriment to the writer to have the audience go in needing to feel emotionally manipulated by the end of a book or film or whatever to decide that they’ve enjoyed it, and just results in them not necessarily caring about all the content in the run up to the “let down” where the actual meat of a narrative is. So publicists, PR firms, “branding” experts please: STOP USING “TWISTS” AS A SELLING POINT. PLEASE. YOU ARE SETTING PEOPLE UP TO FAIL AND ENCOURAGING NONSENSICAL WRITING. JUST STOP IT. A plot device like that is good when you don’t know it’s coming, like the effectiveness of it entirely relies on the reader/viewer being lured in by a false sense of security and that literally cannot happen when you warn that reader/viewer in advance that all is not as it seems. I’d heard so much about Parasite and how it was going to “blow my mind” already that I was pleasantly surprised when it didn’t feel like a change of pace for the sake of shock value. What we find out does blow your mind but less in a “I can’t believe it” way and more of a “wait, what the fuck?” kind of way, as you do the mental gymnastics to try and fit this new information into what you already know, whilst also feeling like in the wider context of the film, it makes perfect sense.

Specific spoilers though, that shot of the housekeeper’s husband walking up the stairs in the dark is a lot creepier than 90% of most new horror releases nowadays, am I right? Horror fans go on about the tall man scene in It Follows but this scene in Parasite fell right in the peak? Trough? Whatever you call the point in the uncanny valley that hits the spot, that moment basically landed right there for me.

1917 (Sam Mendes, 2019)

I’m not really a person who cares for war films tbh. Unfortunately, their tendency to glorify what happened in WW1 and two, and paint the British soldiers out to be these fearless, invincible heroes who willingly threw themselves on the sword, definitely has a part to play the mentality of Steve down the local in 2022 who thinks it gives him the right to be racist about his Pakistani neighbours on the basis that “OUR COUNTRY FOUGHT AGAINST HITLER! YOUR GENERATION WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND THE SACRIFICE!” and play it like some kind of moral trump card any time anybody below the age of 30 dares to criticise any of the horrific things that have been done by our country. Most past dramatisations of war tend to build on this mythological Britain=self-sacrificing moral good, any other foreign country=barbarian and corrupt version of events that completely undermines the complexity of such situations. I’m sorry, but it has to be said; the irritated ex-history student needs to be allowed out of her cage every once in a while.

Amongst some beautiful shots, painfully realistic gore, and incredible, incredible acting, however (fr, I felt these boys’ FEAR), 1917 managed to capture the horrifyingly vile nature of war and drive home the tragedy that these were literally just boys, on both sides, forced to fight for survival by far-removed, privileged politicians who didn’t give a fuck about them. Nobody fought til the end as some grand act of bravery, but because they had no choice. They were filthy and exhausted and hunger games-ing their way through what was essentially a fairground of trauma with the expectation that they would die at some point or another and hoping for nothing but a not-so-painful one where they weren’t alone. They were doing all they could to avoid death, and the only escape was forward. That was the reality of the situation.

1917 also had one of my favourite scores since Interstellar, both of which had me in tears at multiple points despite neither sci-fi nor war films being a genre I lean towards; crying over WW1 in an Odeon was definitely not on my 2020 checklist but then I suppose neither was a worldwide pandemic sooo a year of firsts, I suppose. I think the thing about both these films is that regardless of genre, they're primarily about the connections between people, Interstellar obviously being about family but 1917 about how these young men were routinely bonding with each other in the worst conditions just to be ripped apart in the most senseless way, and still doing it over and over again because that was the sole thing that helped them retain their sense of humanity. That’s right, Steve. Not because they had some vision of some globally dominant, ethnically pure England to fight for. Though to be honest, I’m sure the film’s reminder that there were in fact Sikh Indian men forced to fight too probably would’ve sent a significant proportion of the “EVERYONE IS SO SENSITIVE THESE DAYS! WORLD’S GONE MAD! PC, WOKE, LEFTY MADNESS” lot running out the cinema faster than you can say Gregg’s vegan sausage roll, frothing at the mouth to tweet about how “forced and unnecessary” it was to see a brown man on screen in an EnGliSH FiLm AbOUt EnGli!!Sh VaLues-I think what Sam Mendes was trying to communicate would’ve been lost on them anyway. There’s also probably a lot of people who turned their nose up at 1917 who’d enjoy it if they gave it a chance. I remember a lot of film Twitter accounts being irritated by the amount of praise and nominations 1917 got at awards season like “ANOTHER WAR FILM!?!?!” And yes, I get it, but also, have they watched it? Because it would seem completely unjust for Sam Mendes and his crew and cast’s work to go unrecognised.

Jojo Rabbit (Taika Waititi, 2019)

Jojo Rabbit was SUCH a fucking good film, the first I’d seen at the cinema in a long time to provoke such a wild range of emotions. It is a shining example of the fact that nothing is above parody WHEN IT’S WELL DONE and not just for the sake of shock value. I smiled and laughed, which is saying something considering the leads were child actors and they usually get old for me very quickly. I even cried a little too. 2020 was a rough year for us all, okay!? The pacing was on point, the balance between humour and heartfelt moments was exactly right, and I do think it had some very valuable lessons in it, reminding us that with enough ambivalence and uncertainty and a lack of exposure to alternative points of view, propaganda can brainwash a person without a bad bone in their body into a fervent Hitler-loving Nazi. These things are so layered, and as with 1917, I appreciate a film that communicates this. The idea that we fight wars against evil armies of soldiers who purely on the basis of the nationality they fight for must be wired in a way fundamentally different to us, that are born with some absence of empathy or rationality which fuels their decision to fight, is why you get Russian people who have emigrated literally to get away from Putin’s regime being attacked as if they too have a level of culpability in something they have no control over. Jojo Rabbit reminds you that those young boys who idolised Hitler weren’t evil people by choice-they were doing or believing awful things based on principles they’d been taught were the objectively correct way to understand the world around them, and that it was typically only when confronted with the actual world, when they witnessed it violate those principles, that the propaganda induced haze would lift.

I must have said this a lot of times because I think it in whichever film I see her in and always feel the need to preface stating it by acknowledging her otherwise questionable decisions anyway: yes, Scarlett Johansson hasn’t proven during her time in the public eye to be…how do I say it? The most considerate or socially aware person, I suppose? Buuut…if we ignore that for a minute and pretend she at least had a decent publicist to tell her that sometimes she’d be better off refusing to comment, I can say I really loved her in this. I’m just gonna express I like her performances with my chest from now on. Saying you admire a person’s acting!!! abilities!!!! shouldn't need to come with the caveat that you don’t, in fact, think they’re a flawless human being. Her character in Jojo Rabbit was such a joy-that vibrant, whimsical quality of the character she managed to convey played a huge part in transporting you into the mindset of Jojo. She was the perfect fit for the all-knowing but all-good semi-ethereal being that encapsulates the way you see your parents at that age. It’s a great cue for the audience to fall back into that child-like perspective of the world, and that’s where the magic of this story lies, how Taika managed to infuse humour into a story set in Nazi Germany ffs in a way that worked for most people.

Bliss (Joe Begos, 2019)

Given a relatively slow start (I remember being sat there at the beginning of the film and being like, is this it?), once the horror bassline drops in Bliss, it’s trippy, gritty, gory, gorgeous chaos from there on out, with no reprieve til you get to the end and, in keeping with the theme I suppose, all the life is sucked out of you. In a good way, though. Like after you drop down from the highest point on a rollercoaster and your breath catches in your throat for a minute and you think you’re done for, and then it finishes, and against all rationale, you’re like WHEW let’s go again. That’s Bliss.The structure is kind of similar to Climax I guess but I feel like the downwards spiral part of Bliss actually moves forwards, or downwards rather, and the character devolves, whereas Climax felt almost like circling the drain in a purgatorial state and never going anywhere which yeah, I suppose is almost the point, but doesn’t make for as enjoyable a viewing experience. I don’t need to be reminded of the time I went to Amsterdam when I was, like, 18 and little old inexperienced me, not understanding how edibles work and having barely touched weed, ate a whole space cake, the label upon which stated to start with only a quarter. The messy blackout of Bliss is a lot better.

Then there’s Dora Madison!! V V hot, and super believable, just an all-round dream casting for the role. Like as much as Hollywood likes to portray artists as these romantic, easy-going dreamers, most of them are more Dezzy. Angsty procrastinators who are a little bit insane. The bloodier she got, the more unhinged, the more fun she became, and it felt like something that had always been there finally coming out. Eurghhhh I want to be a scream queen, it looks so funnn.

Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey (Cathy Yan, 2020)

I’ve always maintained that I don’t care for superhero films and thought it was because of the action element of it but watching Birds of Prey and The Suicide Squad, I realised it’s not so much the superhero films I don’t like as the tropes and, well, fundamentally that the protagonist is presumably, in spite of some minor character flaws, an unnaturally morally good human being. Like I cannot suspend my disbelief for long enough to watch some pretty boy repeatedly sacrifice themselves for no clear reason apart from the good of society even though “wah, I hate people, wah, I’m a reclusive weirdo” which I presume is Robert Pattinson’s take on Batman (even though I wanna see it anyway bc Robert Pattinson and Zoe Kravitz, how can I say no?). But I like this increasingly more popular tongue in cheek approach where directors and writers trust an audience enough to grace us with characters written as being absolute arseholes whilst still someone you root for.

I’m also here for ditching the unnecessarily flashy action scenes and the otherwise bleak cinematography that seems to be seen as a fast track to creating atmosphere in favour of some creative flair; the distinctive visual style and soundtrack is partly what makes BoP such a trip. It’s the gold standard for superhero films because it’s not just a good superhero film, it’s a great fucking time, and I’m gonna say single handedly pioneer of the very niche genre of chick flick on acid with violence and anarchism. Like Suckerpunch but only the good parts of it and the added elements of excellent pacing, charming dialogue and a bubble-gum colour palette. Plainly speaking, that BoP is headed up by Margot Robbie and Mary Elizabeth Winstead who I fucking loveeee obviously helps, but I also cannot put into words how much more enjoyable ANY action film is when it’s directed by a woman. Still, for the most part, it’s a genre where even “empowered” female characters are very intentionally catered towards the male gaze given that they do make up the majority of the audience but it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy when ordinarily, even if you do get a woman who decides she’ll accompany her boyfriend to the new marvel film or whatever, the only characters she can identify with either are 1). indistinguishable from the male cast, a common result of a director’s taking the “I don’t care if you’re black, white, blue” approach to gender and erasing the existence of typically feminine characteristics altogether, 2). love interests with zero personality outside of being pathetically devoted to the hero or 3). Primarily treated as sex objects, which was the case with Harley in the first Suicide Squad film. I think I speak for all of us when I say the issue is not, for example, female characters “showing too much skin” or whatever bullshit, it’s when the action makes 0 sense in-universe as something another woman would do. You’ve got all your male ensemble cast in cargos and armour and poor Margot gets stuck in spandex hot pants which are not only bound to ride up the ass when trying to fight but also clearly, along with the daddy’s little monster top, NOT AT ALL PROTECTIVE OR WEATHER APPROPRIATE. There is no issue with women being hot on film, it’s just that there’s a time and a place (to take Suicide Squad again, Harley wearing that same outfit in one of the club scenes with the Joker or whilst trying to seduce one specific person or Jesus, IDK, in the fucking summer wouldn’t have been anywhere near as jarring) and if it doesn’t make sense in context it just takes you out of it. The fact that so many men hated BoP without even seeing it because they thought it was “pandering to woke culture” or whatever rubbish is astounding like HOW did society manage to function for so long with women being discouraged from working when 90% of the “critical thinking” men do in public sphere seems to boil down to “no tit? I quit.” Did u lot really not grow past the stage where all you think about is where you’re gonna get your next nipple fix? SMH. Anyways, stan Harley Quinn, anti-capitalist icon n Bernie bro xoxo

Extra points for the absence of Jared Leto’s joker and a conclusion that actually made sense-I like that there wasn’t some forced ending of all the women coming together to, like, make a crime fighting gang for the sake of “girl power”. It wouldn’t have made sense for Harley and Cassidy to join the Birds of Prey, and the way things were tied up just gave the impression of affairs naturally falling into place.

Emma. (Autumn de Wilde, 2020)

One gender stereotype that I think tends to, for the most part, hold true (as a psychology student I should probs add that I’m not sure if there’s any biological basis for this, let’s just call it the one upside of little boys being allowed to be messy slobs and girls being taught they need to look pretty and ladylike at all times) is the one about women paying more attention to detail. You look at female directors and even if the film is proper shite, there's usually still a signature cohesive aesthetic where all the colours and the sets and the interior design are intricately coordinated to perfectly complement each other. It’s less obvious when you look at an emotionally heavier film like the Babadook which is still pretty beautiful in its gloominess, but anything which is for the most part upbeat, like Birds of Prey for example or pretty much any Sofia Coppola film, always has this lush, dreamy quality to it that seduces you into paying attention. Autumn de Wilde gave us those rich, flirtatious visuals that had me glued to the screen like a middle aged Englishman named Steve (Steve is always my go to and I have no idea why? I guess it’s the middle aged British white man variation of Karen or Doris) watching penalty shoot outs. Aside from the visuals, which were truly delightful, I just generally adored Emma. The plot too, though I guess I should give props to Jane Austen for that, or rather the woman behind the screenplay, Eleanor Catton, because it seems more appropriate considering Catton is like…a little more animated than Jane Austen. I’m not a romance person at all, which is partly why I couldn’t bring myself to put Little Women in God tier, even though the same points about cinematography definitely apply. But this flowed in a way that meant I actually didn’t mind it; there was no overly-sentimental dialogue, just a snappy, tongue in cheek saccharine back and forth between characters with Anya Taylor Joy’s rhythmic snark as Emma hitting all the beats. I even shocked myself when I realised that, despite my typical lack of investment in romantic pairings, I was rooting for Emma and Knightley as a couple.The cherry on top of all this was the amazing cast. I lived for Anya’s portrayal of Emma. The touch of Machiavellian bitch she brought to the role, like a kookier period Blair Waldorf, was fab. I don’t know if that’s how it is in the novel, but I was so here for it. We love a morally ambiguous protagonist. Plus, Emma is the most Capricorn Capricorn I ever saw and that’s probably why I was rooting for her, arrogance aside, from the beginning. I kinda see all my worst qualities in her; my friend once got me a notebook saying “I may be wrong, but I doubt it” on it if you’re picking up what I’m throwing down. Hopefully I’ve got enough of the good qualities to make me just a litttttttle bit more tolerable than Emma because I love to watch her, but I would not wanna know her irl. Mia Goth was of course stand out too, and not to be forgotten, Tanya Reynolds from Sex Education, who’s proving herself to be a wonderful character actress.

Bridesmaids (Paul Feig, 2011)

Can I just say, the fact that when you google Bridesmaids the top suggestion based on most frequently searched terms was “did Helen poison the food?” Like it is some kind of Miss Marple whodunnit and not in actuality referring to a literal human shit storm from some bad Brazilian food is sending me. Like I never considered that before, and now I am doing so, I love that idea because I do not for a second believe that isn’t something Miss Helen Harris (the 3rd? Or am I just inventing that she refers to herself as that in my head??) would do. She’s a supervillain for the ages, pathologically conniving in the most mundane, but realistic ways. We have all known someone like her at one point in our lives and wanted to slap them across the face for some reason we can’t quite justify out loud without sounding insane to everyone else around us.

I almost didn’t include this because it is a rewatch and I was only ever going to include first time watches in these lists, but they’re not truly established as a tradition yet, so you know what? Bridesmaids has inspired me to change that rule. It’s literally a game changer. There’s so many dull rom-coms out there that a lot of us can’t relate to but everyone’s been Annie at some point and felt like a shit person for it and so not only is this a genuine reminder not to beat yourself up and a lesson in how NOT to handle things, it’s cathartic too to see those thought processes and behaviours play out in a way where you can laugh about it. I still don’t know what my favourite part is but quoting “are you an appliance?”, “no, I am a man, and my name is Steve” or ��what WOMAN gives ANOTHER WOMAN a trip to PARIS!?!?!? I mean we’re ALL THINKING IT, right!?!?!?” Or a classic, “LOOK AT THAT FUCKING COOKIE!” are all a good time. Chaotic energy off the charts and I live for it, to this day it is probs my fave comedy.

The Invisible Man (Leigh Whannell, 2020)

It feels like I’m putting wayyy too many films in God tier at this rate which makes me think I need another tier between that and good tier because I really couldn’t put a film like the Invisible Man in the same tier as Little Women, and I liked the latter too much to relegate it to mid-tier. I only say I’m on edge about having put this in God tier because there’s something about remakes that, whether justifiably or not, makes me look at them with a much deeper level of scrutiny, even when they’re as perfectly executed as this. Part of putting a film in God tier is my totally unsolicited way of screaming into the chorus of praise for a director’s originality and that’s obviously immediately off the cards as a compliment when the storyline is based on something that’s already out there. I haven’t seen the original Invisible Man but it would be interesting to know how closely this does follow that storyline; if it’s very bare bones as in it borrows the concept of an invisibility suit worn by a villain but not much else beyond that, I take what I’ve said back. Reinventing the wheel is a hard job and one that is subject to that scrutiny I just displayed, and if the invisibility thing is more of a medium to explore an abusive relationship, gaslighting and narcissism, which it did incredibly, it’s pretty genius. The baseline of fear and suspense and the expectation that something just had to go horribly wrong even when it seemed to be going to plan of course made for a gripping film but also, opened a temporary gateway to the mindset of someone who’s been in an abusive relationship, the tangible weight of the abusers presence on the victim’s being, even once the abuser isn’t physically around anymore.

Elisabeth Moss was amaaaaaaaazing as always, and I will again reiterate she has to be one of the best actors out there currently working. It’s a bold statement but if she gets a few more of these bangers under her belt, I can see a completely deserved future Meryl Streep role on the cards for her. Everyone gave great performances tbh, like Storm Reid and Aldis Hodge were great too and they, along with Elisabeth, bounced off each other really well. I don’t know if you could necessarily class it as a horror but there were definitely moments that made me start a little, and that’s always partially down to the cast’s performance; an over the top reaction or pre-jump scare change in mannerisms will completely take you out of the moment and make the surprise just seem a little silly, but it never did here.

I do have to say, the ending scene was a little predictable, but it was the right choice and was narratively the most satisfying option, which imo tends to be a good tell of confident writing. *SPOILER* I was worried they were gonna go down the route of Elisabeth’s Cecilia putting the suit on forever to hide from Adrian and yeah, maybe that would’ve been the more realistic outcome in terms of what it metaphorically represents, but it also would’ve been a sad ending, the impact of which I think would’ve been quite detrimental to abuse survivors. There’s no need to have her character end miserable and defeated for the sake of showing how hard these relationships are, I think the film would be wasted spent trying to convince anyone who doesn't realise how difficult it is for a woman to leave such a set-up that this is the case, and I don’t think it would help anyone who’s actually been through it in any way. It never portrays what Cecilia is going through as the result of a lack of strength, we see that it’s an impossible situation that she is able to seize an opportunity to get out of and I think that’s something to hold onto for survivors without being patronising.

Raw (Julia Ducournau, 2016)

It’s always great when you make a friend and realise you have the exact same taste in something. Finding someone who’s favourite genre is horror is a rare one, but it’s great, because it’s the kind of genre where if you ask anyone else for recommendations, they’ll probably suggest the Conjuring films or something along those lines which maybe started off as a decent concept but then got a lot of box office success and has been driven into the ground by whichever movie studio realised it appealed to a mainstream audience resulting in crappy sequel after crappy sequel. The Conjuring was always pure crap though and Ed and Lorraine Warren are kinda the worst just to put that out there. Vera Farmiga, you can do so much better!

Raw was recommended to me by one of such friends as her favourite film of all time, which is a bold claim. I did some reverse psychology on myself and went in with low expectations because these things are so subjective and as much as I didn’t doubt her taste, going into a film expecting it to be amazing is just setting yourself up to be let down. But I needn’t have worried with this one because Raw really IS fucking amazing. I wrote in my notes at the time that I had to pause this and take a minute and that I’d never done that with a horror before. I can’t remember what kind of sense I meant that in because it’s so long ago that I watched it now but what I do remember is that it was one of the most simultaneously beautiful yet grotesque films I’d ever seen. Could’ve been an “okay I’m feeling a ton of things and I need to process” orrr a “Jesus Christ that’s disgusting and I need to collect myself before I carry on with this” or both! But regardless, coming from me, that is a STATEMENT. For one, I am worryingly non-squeamish and two, of all the films that would take your breath away to the extent you need to take a brief time out, a film about cannibalism isn’t the first you think of.

Oh yeah, Raw is about cannibalism btw. Did I not mention that before?

At this point, if you didn’t know this, you’re probably thinking WHAT THE FUCK, HOW CAN A FILM ABOUT CANNIBALISM POSSIBLY BE BEAUTIFUL (and maybe this is the first line you’re reading of this post because I too would probably want to know the context of that sentence)? But hear me out okay. IT’S IN FRENCH!

No-although I am a slut for a French accent and it defo added to the experience, honestly, Raw is just a narratively, and unnervingly stunning movie. It’s Gingersnaps without the rage, a quiet, eerie coming of age film that explores the relationship between guilt and pleasure that is so intertwined when you’re a young woman. It’s about coming to terms with who you are and how to navigate the world around you with that inherent sense of shame, of having to fight your worst impulses which feel like they’ll be a part of you forever, of the cognitive dissonance between the love and the anger unlike anything else you can feel for the people you love the most all at once. Yes, it’s a movie about how human flesh is as tempting as a tub of Pringles for a university fresher and I’m not going to pretend I know exactly how all these themes are conveyed through the shots and the dialogue and the overarching narrative but I know but it is predominantly a film about the horror of female sexual awakening as perceived by society and consequently, yourself. Facts are facts, America: you can’t fight your genes, repress familial trauma and addictive tendencies and urges forever. Our protagonist is of the age where she has to decide whether to give in to that and to herself or to keep fighting and punishing herself out of shame when she knows it’s easier to let it consume her. What better medium to tell that story than through, you know, a teenage girl dealing with the urge to literally consume other humans. Plus *SPOILER although I thought from the offset that there might be something more to the parents being veggie than meets the eye, the reveal of the dad’s chest before we cut to the credits was a perfect gut punch to end the film on. Julia Ducournau is obvs a scarily intelligent lady and a firm reminder of why we should have more female directors not just in horror but in every genre.

Uncut Gems (the Safdie brothers, 2019)

I’ve always been a bit of a cold hearted bitch when it comes to gambling addiction. You would be too if you’d been behind the kiosk at work with a million tasks to do whilst serving customers and the same guy buys lottery scratch card after lottery scratch card, not even bothering to take it outside and come back in, legit just leaning on the till, scratching off enough so that he can see the redemption code and then handing it back to you to cash in without even actually checking it’s won anything, rinse and repeat for the rest of the evening. 3 things: yes, playing national lottery every single day for hours still counts as gambling, no we are not Ladbrokes we are a convenience grocery store and finally, I clearly have a million fucking things I’m under pressure to get done so LEAVE ME ALONE. Another thing that pisses me off is that sex and gambling are 2 of a handful of formally recognised non-substance related addictions with all this research power behind them whilst problematic compulsive behaviours that are primarily seen as “women’s” things like obsessions with social media, plastic surgery, shopping etc. are disregarded. Even the way we see something like alcoholism is gendered. Like we are very quick to realise when a man has a drinking problem or dependency (not saying that we take that particularly seriously either in this country, there is an entire culture that enables men to abuse alcohol ffs) but a woman has a bottle of chardonnay every night and it’s “tehe! I’m just a wine mom! Isn’t parenting soul crushingly depressing!”. The point is, the way psychological research has investigated a lot of mental health issues is through a very misogynistic framework, and you only have to look at how far behind we are with what we know about ASD presentation in women, how long it took them to accept PTSD may extend beyond an aftereffect of war, the YEARS that the tradition of every mental illness under the sun being deemed hysteria when displayed by women went on for, to see that. We’re definitely catching up but there’s also definitelyyyy a long way to go. The fact that my course is 70% girls is promising. Let’s get this psychology research bread laydeeez.

If you’re wondering how this relates to Uncut Gems, and it does…mostly…, then welcome to the film that completely changed my viewpoint on gambling addiction. Well, completely is a strong word, “lottery wankers” as another customer/former convenience store employee once called them, are still frustrating. Let’s just say that Uncut Gems helped me understand the mindset underlying it all a bit more. And it’s not because Adam Sandler’s character is all that sympathetic, it’s Adam Sandler running round NYC yelling like he’s just done half Pablo Escobar’s supply, ffs. But it’s because it is a genuine compulsive, edge of your seat watch, that has you sat there mentally grasping for the next moment to find out what’s to come because you know it’s something. Good or bad, you’re not necessarily sure, but getting to the outcome of your bet is an itch that needs to be scratched, and an adrenaline rush I’m sure is only like a 1/10th as good as the real thing, undoubtedly only compounded by getting a big win every so often (even if you are still making a loss overall if you think about it, which the customer I once pointed this out to after he told me he won £100 clearly did not). For a moment, these people seem to feel like they’re right there watching the decision making process of the universe and have been granted a chance to reason their case. Odds and probability are clearly a very misunderstood thing, right? You can buy a scratch card a million times, but that 1 in 10,000 doesn’t accumulate to 2 in 10,000, 3 in 10,000 etc. etc. every time you buy a new one, it resets. Uncut Gems illuminates the split second sense of conviction overriding this that all is ruled by an omnipotent presence fairly distributing good luck and that it’s your turn when the roulette wheel slows to a stop. Or if not this time, then the next. Definitely the time after. Can you blame a person for wanting another, if ephemeral, hit of faith in something bigger?

You don’t even like Howard necessarily and kind of think he’s the absolute fucking worst in a lot of ways, something that is really driven home by the inclusion of his family in the narrative, but for some reason you still want him to win, even when the family are there to remind you of how self-destructive and awful it all is. You buy into the sunk-cost fallacy, and almost agree that he’s lost so much that the only option left is to win, when actually there are much worse things, and he could still turn it around. Then, *SPOILER* you get to the end and the worst thing DOES happen and snaps you back into reality-of course it always ends like that. It was the rational and deserved outcome really. But shit. You’ve been in the mind of a lotto wanker for the duration of the entire 2 hour 15 minute run time. It doesn’t try to convince you that this isn’t a behaviour driven by greed, but it does enlighten you as to just how intoxicating that greed can be and how much it costs you until you’re left with nothing to lose. Eurgh, I miss when I knew Julia Fox as Julia Fox, Uncut Gems stand out and didn’t have to think about fucking Kanye every time I heard her name.

The Social Network (David Fincher, 2010)

Technically not a first time watch, though I’m gonna consider it as one because I was about 12, max, when I first saw it and I really didn’t appreciate it at all. It was film Twitter’s “fuck you flip flops” propaganda campaign, and an admitted thirst for Andrew Garfield, that had me revisit it. I’m so glad I did. Why I thought I wouldn’t care for a film that came from the minds of the Zodiac director and Succession writer is beyond me. It has David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin’s stamp(s) all over it in the best way and I don’t think there are many duos out there who could tell this story better. The dialogue is completely modern-classic worthy, Jesse Eisenberg was born to play the apathetic libertarian lizard I’m sure anybody who has watched that infamous Now You See Me press tour interview can agree he probably is, and really, who doesn’t want to see a film all about how much of a pathological arsehole Mark Zuckerberg really is? If I have one complaint it’s that I found out the other day Zuckerberg was like, 19 or so when this was all supposed to have happened, and though the film does show him as being in his freshman year at Harvard, Jesse Eisenberg just looks a lot older than that. That kind of arrogance is even scarier, and would’ve perhaps added a more unnerving tone to the film, when it’s clearly somebody who is really just coming out the other side of childhood like Zuckerberg was.

GOOD TIER

Little Women (Greta Gerwig, 2019)

I really hit the ground running with my little wannabe film critic fantasy when I saw Little Women at the cinema the first day of 2020 didn’t I? But this film kinda exemplifies why I couldn’t be a critic to be honest because it’s hard for me to feel fully immersed in a film that doesn’t have any dark stuff or mystery or black comedy in it-as much as I enjoy something, I am very particular in my taste when it comes to what blows me away and it’s a bias that I reckon has me underselling films lots of people adore. Little Women, even with the sad bits, is still just too nice. Nobody is morally ambiguous, and nobody’s out to get anyone, apart from the odd bit of sib drama which I’m sure some of my sister and I’s fights a few years ago would make look like tic tac toe. My day to day life is very mundane-not in a bad way! But the only dramatic stories I ever have are about customer confrontations at work, lmao. My point is that I want some proper dramz in my entertainment and *SPOILERS* no offence to those who died of scarlet fever in the 19th century but who didn’t die of scarlet fever in the 19th century? Weren’t you lucky if you DIDN’T die of scarlet fever in the 19th century? Beth never fully develops as a character beyond her relationship to the other sisters and whilst the concept of Jo’s grief over losing her sister did upset me, the actual character of Beth is like…take it or leave it, y’know. That’s not Greta’s fault, Beth gets 0 development in the book either, and to mention that I think the book is boring af and took me about 8 months to get through is probably a salient point here. I think Greta did the best she could with the material, I’m just not totally sure why it keeps getting adapted without being updated for the times because my god, everyone was boring back then. God this, marriage that, I would say get a life, but IT WAS THEIR LIFE. And if a character isn’t like that, they spend the whole narrative banging on about how different they are from everyone else and how that makes them so much better and more enlightened than their peers; I was particularly impressed with Saoirse Ronan for her Jo March because oh my god I cannot STANDDDD that bitch in the book!

It’s a great film on paper. You could probably pick any still and it could be a painting in the Tate Britain if you chucked an oil filter over it in Photoshop. Not including Emma Watson (I love her to death, but someone please find her a new accent coach because she butchers American every time and it’s all I can focus on regardless of the quality of her acting) and Laura Dern (when you’ve seen how great she is as Renata on Big Little Lies, her playing Marmee feels like watching paint dry), everyone was perfectly cast. So yeah, Greta did a great job, and it did deserve the hype buut it’s just not my thing, soz.

Bombshell (Jay Roach, 2019)

Finding out Bombshell was directed by a man did give me a bit of a different perspective on this because any belief I had that it was truly a feminist film was extinguished-this was liberal American anti-Trump Oscar bait to pull in the big names but also like…pat me on the back, I afford women their basic humanity.

ANYWAY, it seems like I am on the sole person on Letterboxd who can say this but I did enjoy it; the pacing was good, it hit the spot with capturing that insidious patronising form of sexism that I’m sure a lot of women in the workplace (typical day as a young woman supervisor trying to instruct middle aged men to do just the bare minimum, anyone?) experience alongside blatant sexual harassment to good effect, and it was informative and succinct. Being English and hearing a lot about this scandal but not reeealllyyy having any clue what it was about, and admittedly have also kinda forgotten since (lol, I know what I’m about to say is emblematic of people’s entire problem with the film) mostly because the 3 protagonists are all pretty, blonde, skinny white women and I can’t remember who’s who, I know I felt a little more educated at the time.

I got the impression, however, that this telling of events should be taken with a pinch of salt; I know the women heavily featured were probably whitewashed a decent amount. I’m guessing Roach didn’t trust viewers to empathise with former conservative political pundits which is annoying because it’s like…you don’t have to like or agree with a woman to think them being subjected to workplace sexual harassment is wrong. But I disagree with a lot of the criticisms that it was unnecessary, why did he have to do it about rich white women etc. because I think this is the only story someone like Roach can tell about this issue without it being insincere or distasteful-it’s just as much about the American media as anything else and it’s interesting for that reason. One film existing doesn’t prevent another film from existing, you know? The more valid criticism here is that more women weren’t specifically brought in by Roach to assist with the screenplay or act as consultants.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose (Scott Derrickson, 2005)

It pisses me off that the ratings for this film aren’t great-it seems to be the paradigm amongst movie critics to assume an inherent tackiness to horror films and subtract a few points off the rating on that basis alone like there’s some kind of formulae to which your run of the mill drama is not subjected. They’re always so much more willing to see the good in some boring ass biopic than a gripping but maybe not technically flawless horror, which is ironic because if a horror is ever “based on a true story” that’s a standard penalty of a star and a half out of 5 too. Oh my goodness, blood?! But someone pls think of the children!

The Exorcism of Emily Rose, in spite of reviews, I genuinely thought to be a well-paced, interesting take on one of these real life cases through a lens that is usually ignored, probably because writers see it as to “taking away” from the horror. This expertly proves that the supernatural storyline being balanced with a sceptical perspective can add to the plot; it helps bring in that element of realism, the procedural, clinical approach we apply to our understanding of events like this in real life, kinda like in Deliver us From Evil where we get the investigatory framing (though Emily Rose is a lot better). Obviously, this leans into the side of the supernatural because at the end of the day it is a horror but as someone who IS a complete sceptic this was my jam. Plus, I fucking LOVE Jennifer Carpenter, like her performance in this was incredible and maybe she did have this reputation and I’m just too young to be aware of it but seeing her in Dexter too she surely fully earned herself scream queen status, no? Jennifer Carpenter walked (or contorted herself, rather) so Toni Collette could run.

She did what she had to do. I mean, once you’ve seen yourself look that genuinely terrifying, where do you go from there in terms of positive self-talk? Can you convincingly remind yourself you are That Bitch™ ever again? Like when Megan Fox was Jennifer Check she still looked hot. But Emily Rose is something else. God help me when I finish Dexter and find out what it is everybody gets so mad about because I have a feeling Deb gets done real dirty and NOBODY does my Emily Rose like that xo

Queen and Slim (Melina Matsoukas, 2019)

I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a film weave edge of your seat discomfort and dread with such an all-absorbing sense of freedom and serenity in the way Queen and Slim does. The mood switches up so quickly. One moment, you have the weightless calm of the driving scenes and then suddenly, it flips to that sinking in your stomach as the two leads end up in an unfamiliar and reliably hostile new situation, mirroring what is probably an unnerving realisation a lot of marginalised individuals come to of a dichotomy between the cathartic surge of pride that comes with loudly affirming your identity and then the threat of repercussions that lingers on the edge ready to pounce on that and extinguish it. It’s something that I can’t pretend to fully understand as an average middle-class white girl living in Britain.

The music, acting and visuals, however, were stunning and though this may be the first time I experienced this annoying ass habit I have of falling asleep in the cinema if I eat beforehand, so I know there was at least a leeeetle (Lady Gaga in HoG voice) bit that I missed whilst snoozing, it wasn’t enough to affect my enjoyment of the film. I’ve seen a lot of African American people express that it lacked nuance and I can see that side of things, and how it seemed to want to stay uncontroversial in spite of the subject matter. You know, taking the few-bad-apples-not-a-bad-tree line on police brutality which is underwhelming for a film that presented itself as having a lot to say. I also don’t want to speak over anyone who did find a lot of value in it. All I can really give is my surface level opinion, which is that at the time I thought Queen and Slim was a solid, though unremarkable, good tier film, and Daniel Kaluuya was great. I have yet to see him in anything where that wasn’t the case, like Posh Kenneth probs had about 20 minutes of cumulative screen time in S1 & 2 of Skins and I still love that guy. That being said, it definitely didn’t show the case the full extent of his talent like a lot of the other films in his body of work do.

The House Bunny (Fred Wolf, 2008)

The fact that I put the Lighthouse or GoodFellas in a lower tier than The House Bunny is probably going to induce a mild to middling dose of rage for any aspiring film critic who happens to stumble across this post, but you know what? I make no apologies for who I am. I am a chick. I do indeed love a flick. Even if technically, theoretically, in every sense possible, it isn’t a great film. I love a campy 2000s easy watch, especially with a makeover scene, and so who cares. They just don’t make stupid gems like this anymore. Yeah, maybe because most are full to the brim with internalised misogyny but I’m not referring to it for my worldview and 2008 is probably, like, prehistoric times for those would take life lessons from a low budget comedy about an ex-playboy bunny. It’s dumb, but ultimately, I did snort a few times, and I love Anna Faris, especially when she’s dressed like a walking incarnation of the Depop Y2K bimbo tag, and of course Emma Stone is always a treat too. THIS IS MY GOODFELLAS AND I AM WITHIN MY RIGHTS TO TAKE THIS STANCE. There. That’s the bottom line. There’s a reason when you type in the House Bunny on Google one of the top most asked questions is when there will be a House Bunny 2-my people are out there, you can’t hide.

Battle Royale (Kinji Fukasaku, 2000)

Battle Royale was brilliant, and it feels like an injustice to put it in good tier as opposed to God considering how fucking wild a concept this must have been if we imagine its release in the context of a pre-Hunger Games world. That being said, I have to deduct some points for the very 2000s Disney Channel original movie acting and the cheesy American dubbing I had to watch it with, which I know isn’t the fault of the movie (the AUDACITY of a dodgy free movie website not having customised captions omg) but did make the whole mediocre acting issue much more noticeable. Everything else was pretty flawless-you can see where Quentin Tarantino was influenced, with those tongue-in cheek stylistic nods to video-game design, like the title cards that would pop up every time there was a death; bearing in mind those touches are one of my favourite things about a Tarantino film, I shouldn't really have been expecting anything other than to love this. The use of juxtaposition in the soundtrack as well as between the cinematography of the scenes highlighting the setting and the comic book gore was stunning and added to that sense of heightened reality, and if you think my appreciation for some blood and guts against a scenic location is verging on concerning…well, that’s probably a valid POV but like! Trust me! This does not mean I’m going to be murdering anyone down the beach any time soon.

One last thing I wasn’t hugely keen on was the ending *SPOILERS* which did throw me off, because at what point in the film was it revealed that Shogo knew about the mics in the neck before the ending? It might have just been a language barrier thing, like the translation wasn’t super clear or maybe I wasn’t concentrating enough (high probability on that one) but it felt a bit of a Deus-ex-machina, and I had to look the plot up on wiki once I finished it to understand what had gone on. I guess it’s not totally out of the question that he was aware since he’d done the game before and we were just supposed to take that as the explanation but if you’re gonna do a big plot twist like that I feel like you need to make the set up clearer; when using Chekhov's gun, you’ve got to wave that thing around rightttt in the camera, you know. There were a couple of other minor elements that left me wanting a bit more exposition that, again, I might have missed when distracted. For example, I don’t reeeeally understand why Kitano hated the students quite as much as he did. Like Jesus, my year 9 maths class bullied my teacher about his very, very recent divorce so badly this man walked out of the classroom CRYING (honestly, relatable) and I still don’t think he’d take joy in us brutally murdering each other, at least, I hope. Anyways some of us have absolutely 0 attention span and ended up taking a mindless Twitter interlude so if it is a case of me just being a dick and zoning out when certain plot elements were explained that one’s on me. I mean, it likely is the case. The “if” is redundant tbh.

Thirteen (Catherine Hardwicke, 2003)

See obviously the person I name in these posts is the director based on the fact they get top billing in terms of the crew but honestly, can we talk for a second about the fact that Nikki Reed of Rosalie in Twilight fame wrote this when she was like, FIFTEEN?! What the fuck?! What was I doing at fifteen, I ask myself. Binging Pretty Little Liars whilst simultaneously developing binge eating disorder, I think. Nikki Reed=productivity queen. And side note-I really shoulda known I wasn’t completely straight when I spent far less time caring about the Edward vs Jacob discourse than I did thinking about how much of a “girl crush” I had on Rosalie. I arbitrarily decided Jacob was the one for me at the time (much like I did Niall as my fave 1D member because “he’s CuuuUuUTE but oh my god, guys! Zayn is sOoOo the FITTEST!) presumably since I’d internalized from Mizz and Shout magazines (and the fact that my school banned the status symbol that were Abercrombie and Fitch bags with the anonymous male model’s six pack on) that teen girls are supposed to care about A B S, and Jacob being shirtless was like his entire personality.

ANYWAY, to get back to the main point, I see why Thirteen was the edgy teen girl’s staple back in the 2000s. Evan Rachel Wood’s Tracy was like the Y2K blueprint for Effy Stonem and it’s common knowledge how much we 2013 black and white Tumblr owners loved us an angsty Effy Stonem GIF. It is also a good film with very competent acting. Evan’s over-the-top and at times awkward in her portrayal of Tracy but that awkwardness is just as vital to the believability of her character as Elsie Fisher’s awkwardness is to her portrayal of Kayla in Eighth Grade; they are at opposite ends of the spectrum, but they do channel both the external and internal complexities of being a girl of that age excellently and without the condescension that they’re met with IRL. I’m pretty sure I would’ve been painful to watch as a 13 year old too. Both films do capture the dark core of confusion and identity crisis that drive adolescent behaviour and how that affects the parent-child relationship, it’s just that Thirteen revolves around the grittier, angrier, and honestly more insufferable expression of that. Whilst it seems a bit hard to believe at times, once you know it's based on Nikki’s real life growing up as a teenager in L.A and you take into the account the stories of child stars like Drew Barrymore being allowed in clubs and addicted to coke at like, 12, it makes a lot more sense.

Don’t get me wrong, Thirteen is by no means a flawless film; there are a couple of scenes where issues like race are discussed that had me grimacing so hard it’s lucky I wasn’t wearing my retainer because replacing those thingies are expensive af. There was one particular scene, for example, where the characters are talking about interracial couples eliminating prejudice that was just kinda like AH! NOO! Please stop. In the context of the racial fetishization and stereotyping of people of colour in the film, whether it’s supposed to be an example of the character’s naivety or not, it feels insensitive. But it’s a product of its time, and again, true to real life. We do say stupid things thinking we’re really profound when we’re that age, and those things were probably even more stupid in an age where internalisation of the social media morality police’s critiques was not the norm.

Lastly, and importantly, big old trigger warning for this one. The depiction of drug use and self-harm is a lot more graphic than you’d expect for a film about this age group, and there’s not much of a happy ending to balance the dark stuff out.

Revenge (Coralie Fargeat, 2018)

I definitely liked Revenge. It was a little underwhelming but that’s only because there seemed to be SO much hype around it-I know I said I tend not to go into films expecting much of them even if they’ve got rave reviews but idk, I think even though I didn’t do that, I did expect to see something very unique and this wasn’t, just imo, the insanely fresh take I expected.

Onto the positives though: the protagonist was great. I mean, may be a bit of a Raw situation where the French accent does for me what boobs do for men. Like brain cells die and I’m just like “stunning stuff” and lose all ability for critical thought. But anyways, I loved her. Top tier final girl. And I liked that Coralie didn’t flinch away from having her hero be traumatised by the events that trigger the rest of the film whilst still giving her a triumphant arc. The only way men seem capable of writing a woman’s response to sexual trauma is her displaying absolutely 0 emotion as if it never happened. Like we should give them a pat on the back because, sure, disassociating one’s self from something from that does happen, and clearlyyyy that was their intention, right? Spoiler; probably not. Most likely, they want to include a rape scene but can’t be arsed to spend time on the repercussions of that because it would necessitate them seeing female characters as anything but props:) Before this turns into another tired of male director’s bullshit rant, however, I’ll get back to what I enjoyed about the film.

For one, the gore is disgustingly and teeth-clenchingly great, and the shots and music are beautiful. It’s obviously very unrealistic but short form horror typically requires you to suspend your disbelief anyway so it’s pretty easy to let these things slide. I knew Matilda Lutz would end up as a final girl from the very premise of the film so that already puts you in the “how the fuck she gonna survive this one then” mindset rather than giving her an immediate write off when the *SPOILER* murder fake out happens. My only gripe is that it could definitely be shorter, and that the camerawork was very male-gaze oriented at the beginning. Considering the subject matter and the tonal shift after the inciting event, however, the latter seems to be purposeful. Male-gaze a weak opponent does not make, and giving us as insight to the men’s view of her is probably key in communicating that their underestimation of her is crucial to how they meet their ends. Also, I think it’s very important that the rape wasn’t explicitly shown. When I compare the scene to something as gratuitous as the one in Red Sparrow which the writers seemed to think was okay to include on the basis that Jennifer Lawrence’s character gets her catharsis, Coralie is typical of female directors in that, as I was discussing with a friend recently, she’s aware there’s literally 0 benefit to any survivor in its inclusion.

Marriage Story (Noah Baumbach, 2019)

"You liked this life until you decided you hated it.” Oof.

The internet is never more at peace than when we’re all collectively roasting something. Case in point: that one argument scene between Scarlet Johansson and Adam Driver in Marriage Story. Maybe you thought I was gonna say Scarlett dancing but no, I will be the one to make the distinction: that was popular in gif format, a meme just wouldn’t be sufficient in demonstrating the fundamental lack of rhythm behind those movements. Such a distinction is important because if you let it slide, suddenly you’re 50 years old and thinking that meme is just a mispronunciation of the name for those French performers who wear the black and white face makeup and creep around (also part of one of my all-time fave moments of Real Housewives of Potomac for all other people out there who have also watched far too many variations of the franchise but also know that RHOP is the best one!!!). So yeah, I’ll admit it. That was the motivation behind my watching this film. I was meme curious. Experimental. But imagine my surprise when, as versatile a meme format it provided us with, I enjoyed Marriage Story on a serious level.

It reminded me of Blue Valentine a lot in that it really did feel like watching a relationship break down in real time but in a way that the sad moments were more a frustration I can relate to, balanced out by the humour of the couple’s displays of undignified pettiness, which if we’re being honest, we’ve all fallen victim to the temptations of. You know, you want to be this tormented ball of angst, permanent resident of the moral high ground despite being done dirty, but sometimes the urge to just piss a deserving individual off cannot be denied.

Again, Scarlett Johansson was brilliant and just the whole cast did a good job at turning these characters into multi-dimensional people that made it feel like a bit of a fly on the wall experience where you get to know the leads and fully feel their sadness at the end. It did make me well up a little ngl. It’s not my fave film ever but yeah, I can see why it was so well received

Her Smell (Alex Ross Perry, 2018)

This is my dilemma: how tf do I reconcile being Elisabeth Moss's bitch with her scientology:(

I love this women, I love her in everything she does, and then you think oh my god, she probably knows what happened to Shelley Miscavage!? AH.

For the sake of continuing to skirt the very touchy ground of art/artist separation discourse, I will just stick to her performance in this for now. SooOoO fucking good as always. I don’t know if I was just overly emotional the night I watched this but everything her character Becky was saying about how she didn’t know how to be up on stage, so she created this persona and how drugs and stuff were intertwined with that and now she doesn’t know who she was before or without them or how to function blah blah blah, that got to me. I’m pretty sure I cried a little. Like she acted the fuck out of this role, and as far as I can tell fully committed herself to exploring every point on the continuum of Becky’s duality. She’s a character that Hollywood so often struggles to do convincingly, at once a raging arsehole who seems not to care about anything or anyone and yet also a hurt, confused child who can’t fathom a way to deal with things responsibly on the inside. It’s also a character that’s rarely written for women despite the number of prominent actresses who repeatedly voice that they love these kinds of roles which is super frustrating. Performances aside, 90s grunge girl bands, the music, the aesthetics, there was 0 for me to dislike about this film. It didn’t have the pacing or a substantial enough narrative outside of Elisabeth’s character for me to give it God but it totally had the trappings.

Contagion (Steven Soderbergh, 2011)

If there’s any tidbit of info out there that more effectively proves the innate human urge to make the absolute worst choices in every single situation, it’s the way this film shot to the top of the Netflix trending list as soon as news about COVID-19 started breaking. Of course, being bad choices incarnate, I was one of the people responsible for that. But in terms of the strongest evidence for humanity making the absolute worst choices, I think perhaps it’s the fact that we had far more time, knowledge, and recourses to deal with this pandemic than the one in Contagion and still saw millions of people die. A fair portion of them probably needlessly, mind you, partially because some people couldn’t be arsed to inconvenience themselves for five fucking minutes and put their house parties on hold or wear a bit of fabric over their faces or believe that maybe, just maybe, epidemiologists who legit spend their entire lives studying this kind of thing DAY IN DAY OUT may have a better insight into what’s going on than they do. You people are right, it’s 100% more believable that 99.9999% of medical experts and scientists are being bought off by the new world order or big Pharma or the Chinese government or whatever bullshit it is you believe today and COVID isn’t real than that a flu-like virus similar but unknown enough to the one we see overwhelm hospitals and cause the NHS huge issues every year got out of control because 1). We have a rapidly multiplying global population where people can get from country to country in a matter of hours by way of a constricted, oxygen depleted metal box in the sky 2). Selfish, arrogant pricks can’t stop being selfish and arrogant for 5 mins and 3). The large majority of world leaders are motivated primarily by self-interest. Irritatingly, this is something the British public especially seem to realise only briefly every few months or so when a tory is involved in public scandal actually much less abhorrent than refugees dying in the sea or people freezing in the streets before forgetting 5 mins later and voting for the same people all over again. This pandemic has DESTROYEDDD my faith in humanity, really. It’s truly non-existent.

Good Time (the Safdie brothers, 2017)

Good time was a good time. Tehe.

A grimy, gritty, nerve-inducingly chaotic good time. Not on the level of Uncut Gems but makes for a compulsive watch all the same with the frantic energy that immerses you in the character’s world and has you convinced everything is going to fall apart if you look away. It’s the toddler with a suicide wish you’re not getting paid enough to watch.

Never thought I’d rate a movie led by Rob Pattison lower than one with Adam Sandler as the lead but there’s a first time for everything I guess!

MID TIER

The Lighthouse (Robert Eggers, 2019)

I think a lot of my disappointment with The Lighthouse was down to the way it was marketed. I wouldn’t call it a horror film, by any means. Something can have unsettling moments without it being horror; take The Nightingale, The Killing of a Sacred Deer, or the Beguiled, for example. All have unsettling moments but were marketed more as dark dramas. For instance, even though the Beguiled wasn’t necessarily a good film I was prepared to find its value in what was implied and hinted at, the overall mood of the film, and so I didn’t feel let down. The Lighthouse was so ridiculously hyped up as if the bulk of the plot would revolve around creepy sea creatures and trippy visuals that had you questioning what it was you were looking at and yeah, we got Rob Pattinson having some fun times with himself over a mermaid, but really? That doesn’t even seem out of character for him. One creepy moment a horror does not make, especially given Robert Eggers is behind the VVitch, which is up there in my top 10 films.

If I had gone into this blind, I probably would’ve thought it was great, you know? It just doesn’t go anywhere for me based on my expectations. I feel like the bulk of the narrative comes from subtext and okay, maybe I’m just not sophisticated enough, but in conjunction with the black and white AND that I didn’t understand the dialogue half the time…eh. It didn’t grip me. I can appreciate there were good moments, and the acting was brilliant for sure, 10/10 for the atmosphere ofc, but I just kept feeling like I was waiting for something to happen which never did.

That being said, I feel like gruff, mysterious, slightly unhinged lighthouse keeper is the role Willem Dafoe was destined to play. Hilarious stuff. Still not sure if that was the intention but I’m here for it anyway, lol.

Possum (Matthew Holness, 2018)

In terms of unsettling the viewer, Possum definitely did what it set out to do; the theme of isolation and shame is almost palpable thanks to Sean Harris’ very raw portrayal of his character’s trauma and misery, honestly just as uncomfortable to watch as that fucking puppet. I think the issue is, as much as I like being unsettled in horror, it has to be balanced by something to get the blood pumping, a little bit of shock or drama or some kind of overt narrative progression. I don’t think this really happened in Possum. It was much of the same for the entire film; any development of the narrative was more subtextual imo, whereas in-universe plot points went mostly unexplained or just hinted at. It was a bit too arthouse-y for me, and perhaps would’ve worked a lot better as a short film than a feature length one.

Birdman (Alejandro González Iñárritu, 2014)

I would say that I don’t understand all the hype behind this one-the one shot format and the dialogue are exceptional but other than that Birdman really doesn’t go anywhere and it’s all a bit pretentious and smug and…ahhh, wait, no I get it. People talk about Oscar bait, but this is it. Because it’s Hollywood trying to be all self-aware and self-effacing in the most self-absorbed and meandering way possible.

There were things I liked, and I can tell it was supposed to have this deep, resonant meaning but I guess it didn’t hit me and honestly, I don’t think it will hit 99% of people, which you would’ve thought should be at least a little relevant when the academy are deciding which film should sweep nominations in pretty much every category. This praise this film was given by those people at the TOP of the film industry is the most transparent display of their real criteria to date, I think. Plus, I expected way more Emma Stone than I got so. Disappointing.

Shit tier seems undeserved because like I said, dialogue, cinematography, pacing, all there, it’s just the complete lack of accessible narrative for the average viewer which makes Birdman such a vanilla film for me, which is especially annoying because I know everyone involved really thought they were That Bitch™ (I’m going to get the trademark in wherever I can, prepare yourself) for being a part of it. Except my girl Emma. There is no Emma Stone slander in this house. Even though there is no reason for her to be exempt from this criticism, whatever. Don’t question me. I never said I wouldn’t contradict myself. I say that’s on you for expecting any better.

GoodFellas (Martin Scorsese, 1990)

Maybe GoodFellas is too dated for my gen-z/millennial cusp self to care for but considering how frequently you see it in best films of all time lists, I was disappointed. I’m not averse to violence in films, clearly, and I’m also not opposed to gangster films or TV. The Sopranos, for example, is great. GoodFellas, however, is permeated by the displays of male bravado I just know so many men low-key fantasize about embodying; have you ever heard a male Peaky Blinders fan talk about Tommy Shelby? They will try and pass it off as mere interest in the character but we alllll know they would do anything to be him for a day.

The dramatization of mob politics, of quirky, impressive schemes, stand offs over territory, literal murderers being framed as martyrs for their dedication to the “family” when real life probably sees far more snitches than it does loyalists, many of these recurring features being present signal a piece of media that takes itself far too seriously. The tendency to romanticize the mob and paint their brutality as in any way motivated by principle and complex rules about morality is so boring. Like I’m supposed to root for this man attempting to rise up in the ranks of the mafia? Aw, boohoo, you had to murder a rival gang member to prove your loyalty and you felt really, really bad for 5 mins until you got some positive reinforcement from the mob boss and now, you’re the big man, all stone cold and mysterious and detached, exhibiting the most insufferable behaviour and then having it conveniently justified every so often by some past trauma. But look! They care about their kids and their mother so fuck the kids and the mother of the gang member whose vicious murder we are now supposed to be low-key celebrating! It was for a noble cause! The same cliches pop up over and over again, and they are so cringey. To this character I say: Jesus, get a real job. Try working in the service industry, now we are truly in the trenches. It’s verbal warfare with customers 24/7, baby!!!! Turf wars between employees and OAPs coming to a head down the produce aisle with every sarcastic thank you I call out after having to practically climb into a freezer so they can get past only for them to not even acknowledge my existence, the standoff between me and the mum with the buggy when I dare to weave around her children rather than wait until they’ve passed because I’m trying to run the pierced can of beer that is now spraying all over the shop floor into the sink out the back. Yes, you could argue that the “gangster” cliches prevalent in movies and TV are present in the Sopranos too, but it errs enough on the side of a character drama about the family to bring in an element of humour and sentimentality that something like GoodFellas or Peaky Blinders is missing. Let’s be real, Tony Soprano isn’t a super slick guy. He’s kind of the Kris Jenner figure of his family, just slightly less glamorous and only slightly more morally corrupt. He holds a ton of power really, but the script fully embraces him as a bit of an embarrassing human being, and no amount of fear his name supposedly commands save him from being a bit bumbling.

Another issue is that ultimately, unless a movie is really exceptional, I find it hard to get too invested in any media where the presence of the few women featured is contingent on their relevance to the male character’s plot. Karen was one of the few things I liked about the film-I couldn’t give less of a shit about any of the male characters and even the two I didn’t mind, Jimmy and Henry, were hardly dear enough to me that I had any real desire to know how things turned out for them. That being said, I keep referring to them as characters when GoodFellas is based on a true story, something I didn’t find out til the end which may have been more widely known at the time and perhaps would’ve given me a different kind of appreciation for the movie as a whole if I’d been aware of that fact beforehand.

Ex-Machina (Alex Garland, 2014)

I hate to say it because it sounds kind of mean and personal, but Domhnall Gleeson just doesn’t do it for me, ya know? Everything I’ve seen him in, I’ve found him to be fairly flat and one-note. In his defence, he does seem to get typecast as the reserved, emotionally detached type and it probably doesn’t help that he portrayed a literal fucking robot in that one episode of Black Mirror I found boring af, so I doubt it’s got much to do with him being a bad actor-there’s just not enough range in his performances for me. They lack the feeling or passion that adds a little bit of spice to a bland scripts. It’s not that he’s a bad actor per se, it’s that I PERSONALLY haven’t seen him in anything I found to be particularly compelling. So, I don’t know, I couldn’t really get into this. I didn’t care about his character, Oscar Isaac is not enjoyable as an arsehole, and not all that much happens. Maybe I’d feel differently if I hadn’t heard it categorised as a sci-fi horror so many times because like…where is the horror?! I swear if a film has the tiniest bit of death in it (lmao, ya know, cheeky bit of murder on a Monday morning), it seems to be classified as a horror. Like where is the scary in Ex-Machina that justifies that categorisation? I guess it’s the idea of a robot that can pass the Turing test and the moral and ethical dilemmas of that and our relationships with them? Misogyny? But this is 2022, and Sophia the robot exists and from the look on her face, I just know that lady has seen some shit and is planning the comeuppance of the human race as we speak so like…Ava’s not all that worrying to me. This film is just another example of who is the real villain here? The men. It’s always the men. The man. Whatever. But I agree. She did what she had to do.

Vox Lux (Brady Corbet, 2018)

Considering the (quite literally) explosive opening scenes of this film, not much actually happens in Vox Lux. Like it was marketed as Natalie Portman doing her Black Swan thing again, as though we were about to watch her sanity slip, but I don’t think we ever saw that. She’s introduced to us as this quote unquote damaged person, and idk, I think we only ever got a superficial portrayal of that. The relationship dynamic between her character and her sister, for example, could tell us a lot if it was properly explored but that never happened, and so it felt a bit like Corbet had this brilliant weapon in his arsenal that he hastily showed us and then shut away again, like “here you go viewer, you can unpack this one yourself! And then you’ll see what it all means!” but…there’s nothing actually in the suitcase. Just the illusion of it. I guess that’s what happens when you get a male writer/director perspective on sisterhood, probably the biggest casualty of the need to pit women against each other there is. An element of unnecessary competitiveness or resentment is almost expected of girls who grow up together and yet I don’t think there’s many deeper connections than those you have with your sister/sisters; there is definitely outside pressure for that intensity to be moulded into something negative. You know, because if we wanna smash that glass ceiling one of us has to stand on the other’s shoulders, right? Unless you’re a man. Then you get an escalator installed for you, tehe xo

Family dynamics in general are so complex, and present the perfect creative opportunity to explore the best and worst sides of a character. Like there is a difference between subtlety for the sake of encouraging viewers to read between the lines and a plain lack of character development. What we actually see of Natalie’s character is just not interesting or original enough to justify how edgy this film thinks it is, especially when I think of Her Smell, which pretty much does the same thing but in a much rawer way. I’m not entirely sure what point Vox Lux was trying to make about fame and ego and trauma and their frequent intersection when you think of child stardom that hasn’t already been made and documented ad nauseam.

On the plus side, the film did include some beautiful cinematography and unsurprisingly, grating accent aside, Natalie delivered a very believable performance. I liked the format too-having Willem Dafoe narrate was a good choice, and his ending lines sent chills down my spine. Who from Pink’s team was secretly involved in this anyways, I want to know, because I think they’re trying to tell us something. I mean Natalie only mentioning Lady Gaga and Madonna when asked which performers it was that she studied? Come on now. There is no way she didn’t have 2000s Pink on the Pinterest board for this role. Sus.

The Gentlemen (Guy Ritchie, 2019)

There was a lot to like about the Gentlemen, for sure. It’s hard not to like a film narrated by Hugh Grant-there’s something quite intoxicating about the juxtaposition of breakneck pacing and gang violence with that silken voiceover relaying the events like a fairy-tale children’s book on the perils of running a drug empire. Maybe I’m just a simp for Hugh Grant.

Well, okay, I am a simp for Hugh Grant.

But I’ll give everyone else a bit of credit too. There were elements of this film that were really great, and I do love a twisty-turn-y crime thriller with a bit of light-heartedness to it. That being said, I again felt like there were times in this film too reliant on gotcha moments that banked on making the audience feel a bit silly. Then, there’s the reveal that the film leads up to. Eurgh. I was sat there with my family trying to let my dad enjoy what was one of his birthday gifts, repressing the Alyssa Edwards impression inside me waiting to be released, all:

It’s like the writers collectively went out of their way at times to be like “look how wild and effortlessly clever and devil may care we are!” When it’s very obvious a lot of effort went into it all having an “effortless” feel. I KNOW there was sweat dripping down foreheads backstage.

*SPOILER* Is the “Jew” (Really? Reeeeeeally?) being the one behind everything in order to drive down the market value of the enterprise and buy it cheaper supposed to be shocking? Are the writers really completely oblivious to the little known phenomena of…antisemitism? Which has for years stereotyped Jewish people as greedy and duplicitous? Is it sensitive to point out that that this guy’s only notable quality is that he’s rich and wants to make more money? Am I also being overly-sensitive to be annoyed at the fact that, again, there’s only one prominent female character, and that when the unnecessary, overdone threat-of-rape-to-motivate-the-male-protagonist scene is cut short and her “dignity is spared”, her reaction is to immediately make a witty quip towards the husband? Have her, men! She’s one of the lads but she’s also just about woman enough to be potentially sexually assaulted! Actual rape scenes aren’t okay but narrowly avoided rape, they can be a fun and quirky inclusion to the script, right? BTW, if it wasn’t clear, I’m not saying we should act as if sexual violence doesn’t happen-I’m saying can we stop using it as a downplayed trope in movies aimed at male audiences so they can affirm the notion in their heads that their unsolicited penises are ultimately the all-powerful decider of whether or not a woman is a “strong female character". And honestly, I can never totally trust a film which has the word “snowflake incorporated into its dialogue non-ironically either.

SHIT TIER

Maniac (Franck Khalfoun, 2012)

I was doing this post in chronological order, but I had to scroll down a little to find a film I’d assigned to shit tier because Part 1 wouldn’t feel complete without a little bit of a roast. When it comes to films, I don’t think I’m that harsh a critic-even if I don’t personally enjoy something, I ordinarily try to look for at least a couple of positives, especially if it’s a film other people really like. I assume I’m the problem (sounds a bit like a description of my day to day life tbh xoxo) and try to work out why I feel disappointed. Something has to be baaaad, like painful to sit through, either in terms of cringe factor or just straight up boring, for me to allow myself to put it in shit tier. Somehow, this was both of those things to me, and I am absolutely fucking baffled by how much other horror fans seem to love it?

I watched Ryan Hollinger’s video on this, who I loveee and agree with 90% of the time on his opinions, and yet I feel like I watched a completely different film because he made it seemed so smart and nuanced when for me it was a very superficial portrayal of…maniac-ism? Maniacalness? I suppose the term is mania but that would be misguided, as I would say the title refers more to the colloquial use of the word which is more closely tied to a term like psychopath or sociopath than actual manic symptoms. If the director and writer truly thought this was what mania is, that would add another layer of offence to this film and we owe them more credit than that.

Yes, you could say I owe them more credit than to label this superficial too because what do I know, I wasn’t there when they were writing the script or filming, or what kind of direction they gave? Maybe it’s all on Elijah Wood’s acting, which feels like a bit of a blasphemous suggestion considering how much he looks like my only long-term famous crush (ew, it feels very Mizz/Shout magazine saying that but it’s my truth!!!), my boy Daniel Radcliffe, but I really don’t know because tbf, I haven’t seen him in anything else to make the comparison. All I can say is that everything about this film was just cheesy as fuck to me, and I don’t think there was a single character who didn’t feel one dimensional, even Elijah Wood’s lead. That’s quite the feat-we spent THE ENTIRE FILM FROM HIS CHARACTER’S POINT OF VIEW and even got a horrible voiceover to go with it. How do you take that approach and still end up producing a villain ripped from the first draft of a horror novel written by a 13 year old just dipping their toes into the genre for the first time? I feel bad saying it because who knows, the writer might otherwise be great but idk. It’s frustrating because I can see the vision behind this film and what it was meant to be, but it’s just too glossy and Hollywood for me. A little bit of grime and grit would do wonders.

Tenet (Christopher Nolan, 2020)

Please, someone tell me why every Christopher Nolan film feels like I’m being mansplained to for like 2 hours straight.

Apart from Interstellar. Interstellar is incredible. I don’t know what happened there. I guess I was watching Dark on Netflix at the time so all the dimension hopping, paradox stuff, as daunting as it is to think about, was a point of intrigue for me anyway, and that helped me stay engaged enough to understand what was going on. Interstellar’s balancing out of all the theoretical stuff with the simpler exploration of the family dynamic is how you pull off a narrative revolving around such an abstract concept. You need a grounding force, which Tenet was severely lacking.

EuuUurgh.

Maybe I’m about to make some film buffs real mad by coming in with this rant straight after I slagged off Maniac but I had to find another shit film tier to include in this post otherwise it would’ve all felt a bit anticlimactic. Does it give context though, of how patient I am with films, when I say I have never been this close to walking out of the cinema in my life as I was with Tenet? For starters, there was just 0 substance behind all the technical stuff, which in itself was set out in a bunch of incredibly dull, uncreative expositional scenes, only further confirmation to me that even Chris Nolan himself didn’t have much of an idea what all the physics shit meant beyond the guidance he must have received from some kind of research consultant. I don’t think any of the characters were developed beyond chill action bro, and don’t even get me started on the one prominent woman in the film having the singular characterisation of...whiney. No humour, no heart, just flashy imagery and !pls, someone tell me how clever I am! dialogue. I hate criticising an editing team because they’re generally so underappreciated, but dear god the sound mixing in this was awful too. Like as if it wasn’t all confusing enough anyway, I couldn’t actually hear half of what the characters were saying during the exposition dumps. Trash. I’m sorry!

I wish I had a less controversial shit tier film to end on, one we could all cheers to being trash about because now I’m sure if this post does get any feedback it’ll be in the form of an inbox full of people messaging to tell me how if I truly knew X Y and Z about physics, THEN I’d appreciate Tenet. Baby, who goes to the cinema for a physics lesson? You can incorporate some science-y stuff and still make it entertaining. There’s a ton of things being researched which have the potential to be mind-blowingly cool on screen if you don’t just have your characters relay it in a chunk of monotonous dialogue like the Adobe acrobat read aloud function. From the many, many times I’ve lied to myself that I have thoroughly understood and memorised a research paper assigned as seminar prep using that thing whilst doing my makeup for said seminar, I know an interrupted flow of jargon goes right over the head. I am a visual learner, and no amount of Clémence Poésy (and there wasn’t enough of her anyway) can change that.

Sorry! This was supposed to be a closing sentiment and yet I ended up moaning about Tenet again. It’s just that the cinema is REALLY FUCKING EXPENSIVE WITHOUT THE COMPARE THE MEERKAT DISCOUNT OKAY, and this was the first post-COVID film my sister and I saw before we went into lockdown again, like, 2 months later. Tragic stuff.

Assuming that all the posts will be around this length, this should be one of a four part post. If it seems long, see it as a process of me testing the waters of writing film content when it takes me about 3 separate sittings to get through one these days and so I’m watching way less than I used to over much longer periods of time. It’s also justttt come out this week that Netflix is bringing in adverts and it’s contributed to all the meh feelings I have about cinema at the moment. Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places, but it just seems to be such a bad time for original content? Streaming services are all focused on being the ones to secure the rights to the next Bridgerton or You or whichever series gets binge watched to oblivion and cinema is 99% Marvel/DC blockbusters. You can’t spontaneously sit down and browse Netflix and happen across an instant classic. I really should not be surprised that the film industry is also going down the profit before literally everything else route, but it is rather depressing when the creative industries clearly start to feel the burn too. It would also help if I stopped falling asleep in the cinema because I ate too much beforehand and my body just does not know what to do with that amount of food. Seriously. It has happened like, 7/10 times I’ve been to the cinema over the last 6 months I’d say, even when I’m actually enjoying something. I am becoming more and more of an old woman every day, it’s true. But anyway, another one of these to come soon and I’ve got some fashion centred stuff I want to get out in between, with what I hope are shorter interim periods too now that my first year is over. I will still have to sell my soul to retail over the summer, but I should have some spare brain cells left to write! So, all that being said, thank you if you read this far, I hope I didn’t go on toooo much, and as always, my inbox is always open:)

Lauren x

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