#Went to the doctor and we're 80% sure I'm fine

[jaffabelle]

Wowie, I might have a concussion!

[millerflintstone]

The good news - I'm no longer on the pager duty rotation!

The bad news - hey...remember that MRI I had for my eyes / optic nerve? Turns out...

Like...what? I downloaded the report the night before the follow up, which was on the 7th. Unfriendly and I had a long talk.

I don't have any classic stroke symptoms. I don't remember having a sudden painful headache, but with grieving my mom along with the loss of my entire nuclear family, there is a lot I don't remember between early November and December.

The radiologist report states this -> "Small area of acute/recent lacunar ischemia in the left cerebellar hemisphere suspected. No large territory infarct seen" . My blood pressure is normal. Sometimes the bottom number gets in the high 80s. LDL cholesterol was high in July. That's currently being rechecked. My A1C is normal. I haven't gained any weight since losing 25 pounds in 2020. Minor fluctuations but I haven't been strictly intermittent fasting for a good 8-9 months. I'm still overweight and do need to get some kind of activity going in my life because I haven't since about October.

Gonna put the rest under a break because this got longer than I intended.

The TL;DR is I saw another neuro for a second opinion, saw a cardiologist at the practice I went to in 2017 and am on a heart monitor for a month. I have further tests at the cardiologist but we're still in the diagnosis phase of this.

I'm better about it today. Nothing I can do to change things immediately. Just gotta focus on taking better care of this flesh vessel and step 1 was telling work I have heavily advised stress reduction from my doctor.

This past week has been doctor appointment week. The neurologist I saw said it could just be an artifact since I don't have obvious slurred speech, numbness, loss of mobility, etc. It could be a small silent stroke. It could just be aging.

I was not happy with how the follow up went. It was supposed to be TeleMed and I never got a link. Just a phone call, which I asked him directly about and it just seems that office is scattered. (That's a whole nother post.) But that neuro talked to the other neuro in the practice and he wasn't 100% sure either. I was told to follow up with my PCP and a cardiologist.

My PCP didn't have a specific neuro to refer me too for a second opinion because the one she used to refer folks to is closing her practice due to a terminal illness. She did give me some names. The guy other folks were happy with doesn't actually take stroke patients. Just tumors and I forget what else the office person said. But that office gave the name of one that does that is in my insurance network. I got a second opinion from a vascular neurologist. He had a cancellation last Wed and they were able to fit me in. He confirmed the same things of it really not being known / definite and agreed with the recommendations of the first guy along with re-scanning in about 4 months.

Honestly I've been stunned and now that I'm less stunned I realized things I should have asked and didn't. I figure I can just ask for an in person follow up with the first neuro in person after all the cardiology tests are in.

Cardiologist appointment was Friday. I had to go to one in 2017 due to a new PCP at the time. She was concerned about my EKG and wanted me to see a cardiologist. They did all of these tests including an echocardiogram and determined my heart was normal for me. Structurally it was fine. They didn't see a need to do a stress test then. I was told to not overdo caffeine because abnormal but normal for me EKG indicated my heart could go out of rhythm or very fast but neither of those things have happened. Anyway, this practice has a "before" of my heart. On 1/24 we're going to do the "after" tests and I get to wear a heart monitor for 30 days. Last time I only wore one for a week I think. It was enough for that doc to determine I didn't need a stress test.

So that's the new current thing in my life. My body refuses to calm the fuck down I guess.

In terms of stress, my PCP did think it was a good idea to reduce it where I can. I decided to tell my bosses about it. I went back and forth about being vague about it but these people are thick and lack common sense and empathy (more on that later) . I was matter of fact about it and phrased it as "In light of this, I will not be able to participate in the pager duty rotation" ( this was Unfriendly's suggestion).

I told two co-workers - the good dude who was really worried about me after my mom passed and the gal I work with on one specific problematic vendor. The guy is also on PD and I thought he should know why. Things happened this week that showed me management is still careless so I wanted him to understand I just wasn't being a dick. That is also another post.

[circular-time]

okay so some preliminary legend of the sea devils reactions

warning: I've had 3 hours of sleep in 2 days after pulling an all nighter to finish handpainting some Easter Eggs so this is going to be rambly stream of thought; apologies in advance

The main thing is that I enjoyed it, although watching it without subtitles, it's been months, and I was struggling a bit with some of the technobabble parsed through Yorkshire. Which is fine. I was a little less focused on the plot than I should've been, and let's face it, after Flux, we needed a plot-light story in favor of some comedy, derring do, and feels. Which this had.

Also I'm very happy the way Doctor Who keeps going, "oh, we need a guest character here, why not grab this awesomesauce figure from history your western-centric school probably forgot to mention or only stuck in a sidebar" even if, well, sometimes their history/character aren't explored all that much

Not quite enough swashbucking for me, but I suppose this isn't flipping Lord of the Rings, Jodie's PREGNANT (i think) in these fight sequences, and Yaz is fighting with three pointy rings on which you should never, ever do, so no wonder Mandip got a bit of a boo boo. It was still nice.

Sea Devils a bit perfunctory? They always were, compared to the Silurians. At least this gives a little bit of an idea why they started dressing east Asian back in my day, er, the 80s. And boy howdy those VISUALS. Sorry that wasn't the myrkra upgraded, but it looked awesome.

Thasmin. I appreciate that this writer gave us what Chibnall really hasn't, ever since the connection between Yaz and Thirteen started leaping off the screen: right when it happened, the Doctor went fucking off to Gallifrey, and Yaz lost her, and ever since then they've spent almost all the stories apart so there just hasn't been enough TIME with them working together, using that chemistry than Mandip and Jodie had as friends. Although the characters have moved off in another direction now, so it's less BFFs in space gettin' things done and more... strained partnership, good and bad, whatever happens you're there at my side. (And I LOVED the callback to Woman Who Fell From Earth when Yaz asked if the Doctor had a plan).

But the thrum of yearning tension between them was there and it was right. Not too heavy-handed, because real queer women? We're used to pining and uncertainly; half the time the women we fall for may be sending ambiguous signals so we're not sure whether they're straight. So we jam our hands in our pockets and don't let it stop us from friendships and the rest of the day. Usually.

That precious moment down underwater was magical and maddening and electric (even if the science was shit. What are our friends Teal and Orange doing shining so brightly that far down? But it looked gorgeous). Poor Yaz, just not quite able to say anything. KISS HER, kiddo. Just. Try.

Typical Doctor FINALLY opening up in the middle of deadly danger and yapping all offhanded about the most serious stuff when she's actually so rattled she almost gets them killed.

And... the ending. Hella acting by Jodie. I'm aching for Yaz (I'm glad she had the courage to say "Why not?!")

What Thirteen said here is what I've said and written about the Doctor for years and years. It's how I felt about Rose and River (sorry). I ship, but when I do, it's a guilty pleasure, and it's always, always with a carpe diem understanding: the Doctor CANNOT have long term relationships, unless they meet someone like the Corsair who's as long-lived as they are. (Okay, River.) The Doctor rattles around too much, and changes too much from life to life, to commit to any life partner.

And yes, despite writing a few, I can see how "friends with benefits" doesn't exactly work for this show. It's not really how the character has acted over the years, bar Moffatt getting horny.

And yet. As my old girlfriend grumbled to me, the Doctor WAS getting in for quite a bit of canoodling as a guy... why do they think a lesbian is a eunuch?

Or, for me: what's this no-touching business with Yaz? It's really rare now, rare enough that the "Yaz, with me" hand grip was electric. Which made it all the more powerful, but why? Why not sit on the beach with arms around each other's shoulders, leaning on each other, the way Mandip and Jodie do as RL buds?

And when the Doctor does clumsily come around to the conclusion that she just wants to live in the moment with Yaz for as long as it lasts, why isn't THAT the signal for them to smooch— carpe diem? Maybe not full make out; that just doesn't feel like they'd go there outside of fanfic, because this Doctor does come off pretty ace. But a kiss. A sigh. And then curling up side by side to watch the ocean, hands folded one over the other. Just for now.

That said... I'm only frustrated because if feels like we can't have that simply because they're women, whereas the show went there before with Rose, River, etc. BUT, I also agree that the Doctor is godawful at forming any relationship closer than friendship. Thirteen's especially bad at it, holding everyone at arm's length trying not to get too close . I think what the Doctor said is in character, and I felt all the feels. (I wish Yaz had spoken up a little more.) I'm glad we finally had some of the convo I was afraid Chibs would put off forever.

It wasn't all I could wish, but it was one possibility, true to their characters. And it did show Yaz and her Doctor, in love, caring about each other, on a beach, side by side. Which is a true thing that we lived to see happen in canon.

And thank ALL THE GODS IN THE OGDOAD that two of my favorite probably-bi companions, Ace and Tegan (and I think I caught a glimpse of Kate Stewart in that trailer too?) will be swooping in to give me Yaz a shoulder to cry on and possibly a job offer so I will not be utterly and totally destroyed by Jodie's finale.

*runs back in before hitting post*

*mashes Yaz and the Doctor's faces together*

*staggers off to collapse*

[agentnolastname]

Half a Heart

An OH alternate universe where Casey Valentine got into Mass Kenmore Hospital's resident program instead, but she ends up meeting Ethan Ramsey anyway.

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey X Casey Valentine (MC)

Chapter 1

Summary: Casey runs into a car crash on her way to her apartment less than a day before her first shift as Mass Kenmore resident.

"A resident. At Mass Kenmore. I actually start my shift in a few hours." She says still not sure of how to continue speaking without stuttering.

"Oh, that's nice, I guess." Ethan says and hangs the chart at the end of the bed. "I'm gonna check on other patients. You can stay here as long as you want."

Casey nods at this and smiles. "Thanks, Dr. Ramsey."

"You're welcome." Ethan stops by the door and faced her again. "You did well. Be confident next time, Rookie."

Word Count: ~1.6K

Trigger Warning: Car Crash, Accident

Note: May contain inaccuracies

***

"Carl, we seriously have to go now, I'm running late!" Casey stumbles upon their porch as she hastily puts her boots on.

Tomorrow is her first day as a resident, and there's only one flight scheduled for Boston today. Missing it, means not being able to attend her first day. That's why she really don't want to be late. Somehow, her brother does not feel her urgency though.

"You still have a couple of hours away from your flight." He says with a straught face as he walks past her, entering the car and opening the engine. Casey enters the car immediately, closing the door off with a bang. Carl laughs at this. "You need to stop being so nervous. You'll make it, and you'll enter Mass Kenmore head up high tomorrow. You'll do great."

Casey just snorts, rolling her eyes, "Well, thanks for the vouch of confidence but the plane won't wait."

They both shared a laugh as the car starts zooming through the highway.

***

It was a seven-hour flight, but it went by fast. She didn't even know they were landing, only realizing it once they actually did. As soon as she got off the plane, she yawns and stretches. Looking around, the thought finally sinks in.

She is indeed in Boston. Alone and about to spend residency in one of the city's most promising hospital. She wasn't sure if she is ready for this, but standing there right now at the Boston Logan International made her realize one thing. It's now or never and the only thing she wouldn't be able to accept is failure. She smiles to herself capturing a picture to send to her family before getting an uber.

It wasn't long before a black sedan stops in front of her. She immediately puts her bags inside and steps inside the car, giving her apartment address to the driver before she eases back into her seat.

Boston, I hope you're ready for me.

***

The drive was supposed to be a short one, considering that her apartment was just minutes away from both the airport and Mass Kenmore. However, her car stops in the highway, just a short distance away from what seemed to be a crash. She immediately got out of her car and walks towards the scene being cleared by paramedics. She stares out in shock.

Sure, they were warned about things like this before, but even during her internship, she never experienced something like this. She scanned the area assessing how bad the situation is. Two long school busses are completely toppled over, and with only a couple of paramedics out, she's sure they aren't gonna be finished anytime soon.

She sighs, running to the triage tent where she saw a paramedic furiously going through materials.

"Are there any doctors present yet?" She asked, the man just looked at her for a brief moment, continuing what he had been doing as he answered her question.

"None. They're on their way though."

She nods as she moves out of the tent again, scanning the area. She saw a little boy not too far away, desperately trying to move his fingers. She immediately runs to where he is.

The kid is stuck in a limbo, two pieces of metal are piercing him, one on the chest and on the abdomen.

"Code red! Someone get in here!" She shouted waiting for a paramedic. One of the EMTs run to her direction pulling a gurney along with him. Another paramedic helps to remove the metal from the boy, slowly lifting it up. The EMT carried the boy carefully into the gurney. Casey follows suit, since the boy had his hand wrapped on her finger, looking at her with tears in his eyes. "You're gonna be fine."

They rode the ambulance and starts making their way to the hospital. The EMT had attached an EKG on the child.

She leans back on the seat, sending a quick text to her uber asking him to drop her things at her apartment. Then she watched the kid closely and noticed how his breathing became rapid, his jugular vein distended.

"How many minutes before the nearest hospital?"

"Edenbrook is atleat 10 minutes away."

"He's tamponading, i'm afraid we can't wait that much." She bites her lip, unsure of what to do. She's an internal medicine resident, performing anything on the boy might cause her license. However, if she does nothing, he'll have no chance at all. "I need a needle and a catheter, I'm gonna do a pericardiocentesis."

"Are you allowed to do this?"

"Do you want this kid saved?"

The EMT did not speak again, instead he handed her the needle. Which she immediately took.

"We don't have an ultrasound, you're gonna have to go in blind." Casey nods at this, shifting her gaze into the young boy's chest.

"Tell me if there's even the slightest ST elevation."

Here's to praying it'll all goes well.

***

It felt like the longest ride. The pericardiocentesis went smoothly, the kid's breathing seemed to normalize after she did it. Pericardial fluid is still draining when they arrived at the hospital. The kid had held her hand again after she finished doing it.

I have to stop being attached to people this fast.

She shakes her head as the doors opened, they were immediately greeted by a couple of hospital interns.

"Carter Thompson, a nine-year-old male, with multiple metal puncture wounds obtained from the bus crash." The EMT nods at Casey hoping she'd explain the situation further.

"His BP is 100 over 80, he went under a cardiac tamponade on the way so I had to perform an emergency pericardiocentesis. One of his arms looks obviously fractured."

"Who are you?" One of the residents looked at her, confused.

Right. Who am I. A kid is dying, Karen.

"I'm Casey Valentine. I was on my way when I saw the crash." She said. The interns just nod despite the still confused faces. She watched as they pull the gurney away, walking towards the hospital.

"I think you've made quite the call." The EMT says suddenly.

"I hope so." She smiled at him. "By the way, I'm Casey. I guess you've already heard earlier. I believe I haven't gotten your name, though."

"I'm Rafael."

"Nice name." She says as he went inside the ambulance to fix the equipments inside, letting another EMT replace the equipments taken earlier. "I think I'm gonna head inside to check on him."

"I think you should." Rafael nods and offers his hands. Casey takes and shakes it. "It was nice meeting you."

"You, too. Looking forward to see you again, soon." With that she enters the hospital.

***

She was waiting for an update for a couple of hours. She sat on the lobby checking in on her work groupchat every once in a while. She's tired from the flight, and the fiasco earlier, yet she can't find herself leaving. She would just like to make sure the boy is okay.

"Is there anyone here who knows Carter Thompson?" She sat still, waiting for someone to speak. A few seconds after, no one did. So she stands instead and approaches the nurse.

"I was the one who took him in earlier." She says. The nurse nods leading her into a room where a doctor stands, busy writing on a chart while Carter lies on the bed, still unconscious.

"Dr. Ramsey, his guardians aren't here." The nurse said the moment they got inside the room.

"We're gonna have to wait for them then."

"There's someone who is waiting for an update on him though."

Casey shifts uncomfortably as the attending looks up from his charts, his eyes landing on her.

"Who are you?" He asked, voice stern. Casey couldn't help but stare.

How is this hospital filled with good-looking people?

She clears her throat when she noticed that the man still looks at her with a straight face.

"I brought him in earlier."

"Oh, you performed the pericardiocentesis." He says and puts the chart down, turning to face her. "A good call, I must say. He is doing fine now."

Casey looks at him expectantly.

"I'm afraid I can't tell you anything more."

Right. Confidentiality protocols.

Nodding, she speaks. "I just want to make sure he's alright. I'm not sure if I've done the procedure right earlier."

"You're a rookie?" Ethan is not one for small talks yet he found himself wanting to have a small conversation with the woman that is standing before him.

"A resident. At Mass Kenmore. I actually start my shift in a few hours." She says still not sure of how to continue speaking without stuttering.

Casey what did your brother tell you about simping?

"Oh, that's nice, I guess." Ethan says and hangs the chart at the end of the bed. "I'm gonna check on other patients. You can stay here as long as you want."

Casey nods at this and smiles. "Thanks, Dr. Ramsey."

"You're welcome." Ethan stops by the door and faced her again. "You did well. Be confident next time, Rookie." He says as he turns to leave. And then he walked away, leaving Casey with a big smile on her face.

***

Note: Hello! This is my first attempt on writing a chaptered fic, this is also my first time to write something OH-related. I hope this is atleast okay to read;-; that's the end of chapter 1! I'll update as soon as I finish the next part!

Taglist: @mvalentine @anotherbeingsworld @starberrybliss @nikki-2406 @clowneryme @drariellevalentine @lillylavander20

[pbandjesse]

I'm really tired. Everyone was very surprised I came to work today was how badly injured I am. Honestly I probably could have stayed home but it's not like I didn't have a good time at work. It was a really good day. I am tired.

I slept good last night. I woke up once but I wasn't as freaked out and sleeping with the eye mask on definitely helps. I got up with my alarm at 7:30 and got dressed and felt very cute. I love my outfit today. It was only like 75 degrees out so I actually could wear sleeves and that was nice. It also helped protect my arm a little bit. The one. My elbow is pretty raw. And it hurts to bend and pick up stuff but we survived.

I had waffles for breakfast and then I headed to work. Kenneth set up tables and I unfold a chair since I couldn't pick anything up really. Honestly doing the chairs kind of hurt my arm but I was okay. The Cannery was fun but we had a big stressful moment because the person who was supposed to be doing the printmaking was an hour late. So nothing was set up and we didn't realize until right as the kids were getting there and I really shouldn't have moving to process so I had to do my best but then I got upset because I was in pain and I yelled down and somebody had to come up and do it because I was just so frustrated.

The Cannery went good. The kids were really sweet. And I stumble on my words a few times during The Company Store but mostly it was very good.

I got a half hour break. I eat my rice and chilled. And then I gave my door. There was a little bit of a problem because we ran into the neighborhood tour but it all worked out. Again I had some trouble talking because are being distracted and being in pain but at the end of the parent on my tour said that she liked it a lot and then I did a really great job and she just kept telling me how nice it was. I love giving Forest there. Just good because I have two in a row tomorrow.

I left there at 12:30 and just missed the bus as I was coming up the hill. A sweet old man was sitting on the bench and he told me he was mostly blind and asked if I could tell him when the 80 bus came. And I said of course and we talked about how nice the weather was and then his bus came. And thankfully mine came just a couple minutes after. I was texting chelsi that would be late and she told me I shouldn't even come because she was worried about me. But honestly I wanted to go see the school nurse. I don't know when you need to go to the doctor. I feel like no one ever taught me that and I just feel like I'm bothering people or it's a waste of time. When I was a kid we never went to the doctor unless we were dying. My dad didn't go until after he was done having shingles. I don't have good references for this. So I got to school and I went to the school nurse and she told me that it looks bad but it's going to keep spreading. But the blood vessels are going to spread out and then lighten. She said if it gets really bad in the next couple days like it swells up or I get a hard knot somewhere else on my leg that I should be concerned and then go to the doctor. But she said that it doesn't look that bad All Things Considered. She said it looks bad. And everyone else agreed. Because all day and that's all I had to hear. I told the story what happened like 75 times today. But I was good.

I picked up the kids and I got lots of hugs which is really what I wanted today. I was talking to Marcus and joking about that. Everyone kept saying that they would have stayed home if they were made but for real what was I going to do. Lay here and be sad. I'd rather be at work and be safe. We spend the kids will come and give me hugs and that's always nice.

We made mosaics today. Every day this week, which is just tomorrow and Wednesday, will introduce a different project that the kids have requested. So it was nice to be able to kind of come together and have options and tomorrow add more options to the board of what they can make and it's just going to be good.

We had a nice time at recess and dinner was fine. There was some conflict with one of the staff members because she thought we were taking up too many tables and kept trying to tell her this is where we always sit and she disagreed with us and I just didn't even get into it with her I'd let Chelsea handle it. I just couldn't deal with that today.

But art was really fun and I was very proud of the kids. And it was a fairly quick day. At the end of the day I ended up staying behind because one of my students parents was just really concerned. She was really worried about how they're communication is with her daughter and she doesn't know what to do. Apparently they live in a neighborhood where the girl can sleep through anything until there's gunshots. And then she freaks out and can't sleep. I don't blame her. But she doesn't feel like they can talk to each other. So I suggested they do a mommy and me Journal where they can talk to each other through that. Where it's a judgement free zone and they can get things out. Maybe it'll help. I felt really bad and I wish there was something I could have done more for them. I really like the girl. But I understand where mother is coming from and it's really hard. For everybody.

When I got outside I had to run for the bus. But he didn't make me pay for it so that was cool. And then I got back to my bike and went up to James's place.

He made me a pizza bagel. And we hung out until all of the D&D people got there. First time in almost three months! It's been too long since I've seen all of them. But it was nice to be around other people for a bit. I got to try fancy Japanese Kit Kats because one of them had just gotten back from Japan. It was really fun.

As their game got started though I headed out. Said goodbye to everyone. Tentatively told Jordan that we may still be able to go to his birthday. But I'm not sure if we're going back to Philly for Father's Day and now so who knows what's going on there. And then I came back home.

Where I became crazy angry because again the new people next door locked the back gate. So I couldn't get into my Ally. So I couldn't get into my apartment. I had to go all the way around the block to the front drag my bike in through the door where it does not fit. And go back into my apartment. I went outside and I kicked the fuck out of that gate. I broke that lock right off which is what I told them I was going to do. I gave them a warning that if they locked me out of my apartment again I would remove the lock and I was serious. If they do it again I will remove the door. I cannot wait to not live in this apartment anymore because those people next door have ruined it for me. Besides any issue I had in this apartment as soon as they moved and they have made everything around here miserable. They put trash in the alleyway they let their dog shit everywhere and they lock me out of the place I live. They do not own that public shared space. And it is ridiculous that I have to continue to ask not to be locked out. I told them to put on a type of gate where you can open it from both sides they didn't listen. I had my dad fix the gate so that it would stay closed when that broke I fixed it. And then when it broke again their maintenance people fixed it and out of the second one that broke her most immediately. The spring is still whole and that should be good enough. If it is not you guys can then put on a different piece I am not fixing it again. It is so crazy to me that they think that they can lock that gate when I live here. They know they're not the only ones that can get through that gate and it is insanity. I will not put up with it anymore.

But after I did that I calm down. They will not lock me out again so there's that. So I felt better. I brought Sweet Pea inside and I went and took a shower. My new dress came that I got on eBay it fits me great and I feel super cute in it. And basically the rest of my day has been great. I'm very sleepy. I'm going to go have a snack and then I'm going to brush my teeth and go to bed. I have double doors tomorrow and then teaching at the school. I think it's going to be an excellent day. James has his second interview and I'm very excited for him. I hate that it's on the phone for him because that sounds horrible but I hope that it goes well. He's such a good boy and he deserves to get this job. And I hope you all have a great night tonight. Sleep well everyone. Be safe out there.

[itsdetachable]

I spent most of Halloween at the neurologist with my mom trying to figure out wtf is going on and while it was mostly productive I am exhausted and have not Halloweened so I'm just gonna halloween all through November I guess

But fuck man the more I help my parents with their health shit the more apparent it becomes that the medical system is fucked up in regards to old ppl. I'm too tired to list things but it's just becoming more and more inaccessible to older ppl. Moving everything g online from med refills to virtual visits to checking messages etc is gonna bite us in the ass when we're older. It's already making life difficult for old ppl right now. My parents can't do the online shit so they'd have to call. Most places around here DONT have Polish speaking ppl (despite it being Chicagoland wtf) so that limits them as well. I think it's similar with any other non-English speaking groups too!

Self sufficiency in your 60's+ is bullshit not bc ppl shouldn't be allowed it, but bc society uses that as a way of putting off helping old ppl in the years when arguably it's needed the most! And don't come at me saying "but some ppl still drive in their 80's and live alone just fine!" Just how big a percentage of old ppl do you think that is? My grandma lived to 91 and it was The last five ish years that went downhill fast bc of dementia and ppl being little shits but before that she was living in her own apartment just fine but that was only because she was part of a community where ppl knew her and were willing to help her out, whether a kid from the store helping her walk home, or her taxi driver literally sitting at the doctors office to wait for her so he could driver her home, she had something of a helping safety net.

Here there's absolutely nothing unless you know where to look and are able to set up help and assistance before you get to the point where you're no longer able to reach out for it! My neighbor is legally blind and she has weekly excursions with a group for the blind and gets audiobooks and is able to go places with help but she had all of that set up and learned the ropes decades ago and already had helping hands so when she needed more assistance there were ppl ready to help her set shit up.

For ppl who were never given the opportunity, trying to figure shit out when you're older and don't know where to turn and aren't sure what to even ask for is fucking he'll.

I'm just pissed and exhausted and don't know what I feel anymore. The only good thing is that my mom saw a doctor, we have something of a treatment plan, and we'll sew what happens next. Fuck the us medical system. Have a good night everyone. Stay safe and all that good stuff wow I'm so tired

[jsuisartistofthestars]

I just had to pay over $50 for a parking ticket because I accidentally put the wrong license on the thing. Fuck the retrograde about this it's way more fuck this country. A $5 fee THAT I DID PAY fine. My mistake or whatever. But the original fine was $80 something. Wtf. Then it got "reduced." Then there's a service fee on top of sales tax. $55. For a parking space. When I literally grew up during times I didn't have to pay to park charging you fucking stacks. You had quarters in meters, you had valet, you had passes you could by. That's without touching upon how we shouldn't be paying to park anyway.

But $5 for up to 2 hours. That was the lowest price. Then on top of that you go and have this thing charging more than 16 times the most basic amount there was in the meter. AND you adding all these extra fuckass fees.

And what really boils me over is that I don't have money. I have a whole job that's doing next to nothing for me because it's piece rate and there aren't clients coming in (because of covid. Fun). Even if I had one client this month it wouldn't be enough to cover what I just paid this ticket for. Idc how many times I can be grateful for what I do have, it's beyond fucking frustrating that I can't even survive. And I look at how many more years in school I have and I just want to rip my bachelor's. Because with that first degree I got a "professional job" and I am more broke than when I worked in food service. And by God I don't think I can work in food service or retail again but what choices so I have? But the schedules are so inflexible that it can't work anyway. Ppl suggesting I should apply to another school while in this doctorate program so I can get the full credits to get a license with a master's. While I'm already in debt being in school. Because ofc I might not be able to find a job immediately after getting licensed and because the internships pay less than 30k on average but expect you to deal with the cost of living and all for wherever they are.

And that's just me! Just one aspect for me! Not even going in on how my friends and I in the same age range keep having these talks. The ones who went to college, the ones who didn't. How no matter how we turn it, we're suffering. Still leaving out the fact that we're kids of immigrants who left worse situations for better here, but we have to turn back to them empty handed because where they thought we'd be and where capitalism put us are nowhere near.

That little 2 hours of joy cost me hours of work I don't even have. And I don't regret having fun, but they damn sure want you to.

Fucking hate this country and its insistent need to wring out any sense of happiness from all aspects of your life while still telling you this is the better option to anything else.

[cozywine]

Title: My Type pt. 1

Summary: A fluffy piece based on a dream I had. F!Reader feels self conscious about her body size and he makes her feel better.

Pairing: SpencerxF!Reader

CW/TW: mention of general challenges with dieting and body image. No description of eating disorder though.

................................................................................

The case the team was currently on had been twisty turny in the worst way. They had been brought to Chicago after human remains had been found within 3 churches that were recently demolished. The remains were posed the same way and had been hidden in the same manner- beneath the baptismal font. They had been there over a week and were still trying to figure out who was responsible for the crimes. They'd had a suspect but it had led to nothing... Starting over was always the worst.

"Ok, let's go back to the beginning... What do we know about the victims?" Rossi instructed paternally.

"All females between the ages of 21 and 35." Y/N stated quickly. "No ties to the churches they were found within."

"All of them were college educated and single," added Emily. "And they were attractive... physically fit, well dressed and likeable types. Popular on Tinder and their other social medias."

Y/N always felt uncomfortable when profiling someone based off their physical traits... Bluntly put, she wasn't slim. In a profile, that would make her considered less sexually appealing for the majority of UnSubs. Statistically, it was a fact. Yet it always felt like there could be some subjectivity when her colleagues brought up the stature of those they worked to avenge.

All of her female colleagues were slimmer than her. She often found herself donning bulky sweaters in dark colors, hoping they would disguise the softness of her belly and the rolls on her back, just below her bra line. In magazines she'd read that she should emphasize her face and cleavage, as if that would distract anyone from the parts of her body she disliked.

Of course she was physically fit and capable of passing her field tests... She just didn't have the same body type as her colleagues. Where they were lean, she was voluptuous. Over-full. Despite lifelong diets and general misery around food, her body size remained a pain point until finally after working with a therapist, she discovered intuitive eating. Y/N now felt more connected to her body, appreciated it's cues for the type of fuel it needed, and generally struggled less around her eating habits. But the body image challenges... Those continued. Some days worse than others... And today was one of those.

She knew it wasn't necessarily intentional, but Derek never made flirtatious comments toward her. She sometimes sensed that Rossi put all of the vegetables closer to her end of the table. Hotch usually signed her up for desk work if it was an option. And Spencer, pipe cleaner that he was... Never gave her a second glance. They were all great friends, especially Y/N and the younger Doctor... Both intellectual, sensitive and intuitive, they got along famously. But Y/N knew it would never be more than that... Someone as beautiful as Spencer Reid would never give her the time of day.

"With no ties to the churches, being buried beneath the baptismal font could indicate our UnSub as someone looking to cleanse them of their sins of life." Y/N added, snapping out of her negative thoughts to focus on the case. "What would make someone want to do that?"

"If I'm the UnSub, these churches mean a lot to me.. So I'm religious. I would be repulsed by their lack of virtue... Yet possibly attracted to them. What would that make me do?" Morgan added. "I might feel that this is the only way to feel holy again."

"So we need to go back to the church... We already figured that this UnSub would need access to the facility but there must be someone we missed." Rossi said.

Rossi and Morgan went back to the church while the rest of the team worked with Garcia to pinpoint any specifics of who might be the culprit. Limited social media use by the UnSub made it tricky, but you eventually tracked down Joseph Knight. He was a current seminary student placed at one of the many Catholic churches in Chicago. In his mission work, he organized events for young professionals to volunteer as tutors for lower income students. As it turned out, all three victims had been to at least one tutoring session, each in a different neighborhood.

"So there's our connection, my furry friends. And wouldn't you bet the next event is tomorrow night?" Garcia said.

"If we send someone in who fits his type, we could draw him out..." Emily added. "What do you guys think?"

Y/N took a deep breath. "Yeah, I think it could work. You or JJ rock paper scissors for it. I'm going for a coffee refill... Anyone need anything?"

Y/N pushed away from the table, pushing up the sleeves of her navy blazer and wrapping the strap of her wallet around her wrist. She adjusted her jeans quickly, making sure they still sat at the narrowest part of her waist and ensured that her striped tee wasn't clinging anywhere. She felt a little flustered, her outfit not doing as much as she'd hoped to make her feel confident. The local coffeeshop around the corner had friendly baristas and a little positive human interaction would definitely improve her mood.

"I'll join you," Spencer said quickly. "If that's all right. I could use some fresh air."

They walked in silence to the coffeeshop in the brisk September air, Spencer holding the door for Y/N with a small smile. He did this for everyone, so Y/N paid it no mind. The shop smelled delicious, roasty and warm. They hopped in the short line, and Y/N perused the drink list. In their week there, she'd tried a few specialties but mostly stuck to plain coffee.

"Okay genius... Which has more caffeine, black coffee or an Americano?" She asked, trying to lighten the mood.

His eyes shone, excited for the opportunity to talk about something other than work.

"Contrary to popular belief," he explained, his hands moving as he spoke, "One 2 oz double espresso shot has about 80 milligrams of caffeine. Whereas a 12 oz brewed coffee has about 120 milligrams. So actually there is more caffeine in an average cup of drip coffee than in espresso. If you really want to go crazy you could get a red-eye, but I wonder if the post-caffeine crash is really the best idea for you today."

"What do you mean? I'm fine." She said. "Frustrated that I had to board Millie for a second week, but I know we're getting closer to solving this." Thinking of her sweet lab mix made her smile.

"Fair. I just mean, you seemed a little touchy when Emily suggested sending in someone as bait."

"Yeah, I don't know. They'll figure out who's the most attractive. It will probably work. It's good, for sure."

"The most attractive to that UnSub, you mean?" He tried to clarify, not totally sure why she sounded so down talking about it.

"Oh yeah, yeah... Of course." She shrugged. The line had dwindled. She smiled at the barista, who was wearing a hand drawn name tag. "Hi Jenny, how are you?... Great thanks. Can I please have a medium plain latte with an extra shot? Thank you so much. Spence, what's your order?"

He flushed, clearly feeling a little awkward. "Oh, a large pour over... The Guatemalan single origin, if you have it."

The barista nodded, and Y/N chuckled lightly at his very specific order. She paid, tipping Jenny generously, and they went to stand near the pickup counter.

"Single origin, huh? Getting fancy, Dr. Reid." Y/N teased. Her brief conversation with Jenny had brightened her day.

"Yeah, they tend to be more interesting than a blend so I like to try them when I can... Thank you for buying by the way... next one on me, ok?" She nodded in response, and he continued.

"Did you know that Guatemala is one of the top ten coffee producers in the world, producing more than 204,000 metric tons of coffee beans a year?" He looked delighted, a far cry from his usual down turned look when they were on a case. He looked... Great.

Y/N tried not to focus too much on the happy crinkles around his eyes or the way his large yet delicate hands gestured as he spoke. She knew he would never consider her equally lovely.

Their coffees came up quickly and they returned to the station ready to plan for the next days effort.

A/N stay tuned for part 2... Just thought this was getting a little lengthy!

[curegbm]

Susan Foster info for health -

July 7, 2020

When I was a junior in college I went to school in Vienna. One of my friends was Martina Nicholson. She became an OB/GYN, and just retired last year. She has a colleague, Dr. Richard Loftus, who is a biohazard virology-trained hospitalist. In other words he is treating COVID-19 patients in the hospital. I've read a lot of these accounts and this is the most powerful one I've ever read. It makes you want to hand out masks to everyone who's not wearing one. I am going to print this and carry copies with me when I'm walking. I will hand this out to people who don't have masks. If anybody gives me a hard time for my post on masks, you will get a copy of Dr. Loftus' brilliant, raw, painful account of what it's like treating these patients. What really struck me is how sick young previously healthy patients are 3 – 4 months post release from the hospital. Please be careful. Do not, for one more second, doubt this is real.

From Martina Nicholson, MD:

From my friend Dr Rick Loftus, MD. yesterday (7/2/20), update about Covid-19:

I'm in a hotspot hospital in a hotspot region (Coachella Valley, Inland Empire, CA). We just converted the entire second floor of our hospital to COVID-19 care yesterday, July 1. We have 65 inpatients with COVID-19 in a hospital with 368 beds. It is the same at our other 2 hospitals in the Valley. We spent yesterday deciding the ethical way to divide up limited remdesivir (30 patients' worth) for the hospital patients. My 20 incoming interns for our IM resident were exposed to COVID 2 weeks ago during their computer chart training; apparently 100% of our computer trainers had COVID19. One intern tested positive 7 days later and I insisted we re-test them all again, as there are almost certainly other cases with minimal symptoms. I raided my household and took my entire supply of face shields to the hospital for the residents to wear on their first day, and I paid $1000 of my own money to equip all of my residents with medical-grade face shields. I require all residents to wear a surgical mask or N95 with face shield if they are within 6 feet of another human, patient or coworker.

Roughly 20% of our inpatients die. Only 30% of our ventilated patients survive. (We try to avoid ventilation at all costs. Some people insist on being full code and decompensate despite high flow with face mask, proning, dexamethasone, antibiotics, and a cocktail of famotidine, zinc, Vitamin D, Vitamin C, NAC, and melatonin--we throw everything we can at each case, so long as it won't hurt them.)

My administrative assistant, who sits adjacent to the interns, just went home with COVID symptoms. Her test is pending.

In the Southwest, we are experiencing catastrophic exponential growth. I have had multiple families--siblings, parent-child, spouses--admitted with COVID-19. I had a 31 year old come in satting 78% on room air; he had been sequestering himself in his bedroom for a week to avoid infecting his elderly parents, with whom he lived. His sister, the only person he saw outside his immediate household in the 10 days prior to onset of fever, cough, and dyspnea, had also had fevers but had tested "negative" at our other large hospital so he thought it was safe to visit her. (Sigh. The Quest PCR test is about 80% sensitive, we think--it had emergency approval to sensitivity data was not required. The Cepheid rapid COVID PCR test is 98.5% sensitive but is in short supply due to limited reagent availability.)

I'm glad some of you are sheltered from what unbridled COVID-19 looks like. It's a hell show. This is *July*. What do you think my hospital will look like in winter?...

This is real. Doctors in places with proper public health responses will see few cases in their hospitals--like UCSF--but let me tell you something: The laws of physics and biology don't change. If you're in an unaffected region, an introduction and poor governance and low use of physical distancing and masks will give you an exponential increase in no time flat (i.e. 2-4 weeks). That's pandemic math. And 20% of the population infected needs a hospital. You *will* run out of beds with an unbridled pandemic. There is almost ZERO pre-existing immunity to SARS-CoV-2. There may be some "priming" of T-cell responses due to exposure to other "benign" beta-coronaviruses, but we have no idea if that explains the 20-40% of people who seem to get minimal symptoms. Asymptomatic infected persons, however, can, and do, spread COVID to those who die from it.

By the way: I've seen scary looking CT scans of the lungs that look like terrible interstitial pneumonia in a patient who had ZERO symptoms and SaO2 94% on room air. She came in for palpitations and the intern overnight got a chest CT for cardiac reasons. We didn't know it was COVID until her test came back 36 hours later. So "asymptomatic" does NOT mean "no biological activity." The virus replicates furiously in people who feel fine. Kids can spread this as easily as grown ups, even if they feel okay.

Related: I've talked to two previously healthy patients ages 32 and 44 who are 3 and 4 months, respectively, post their acute COVID. They continue to have cough, nightsweats, fever, fatigue. How many survivors have "post-COVID syndrome"? We don't know. Less than 20% but we're not sure. I've asked my hospital to allow me to establish a post-COVID clinic to care for and study survivors. Both NIH and UW are planning similar efforts based on my dialogues with them.

Autopsies show anoxic brain injury in many patients who died of COVID, not to mention microthrombi throughout the lungs and megakaryocytes in massive infiltrations in their hearts and other organs. People get heart failure, lung fibrosis, and permanent kidney injury from COVID-19. This is a disease of the vascular systems, and it can affect any organ, with lungs and kidneys being especially at risk.

In early May, thanks to lockdown, our census of 55 came down to 10 COVID cases, and for a brief moment, I actually had hope that the worst nightmares I had about COVID, as a biohazard virology-trained hospitalist, would not come to pass. Then we re-opened, without test/trace/isolate systems anywhere close to adequate. Eight weeks ago my county decided to make masks "optional," despite 125 doctors begging them not to do that. Now we're worse than we were in April. And it's getting worse every day.

You wanna see if COVID is real? Come walk on my COVID ward with me. It's real. Hearing people talk about it as if it's an exaggeration is, well, rage-inducing, honestly. Denial is the most common reaction to a pandemic. Denial is how the US will wind up with 1.1 million deaths instead of 30,000. I saw AIDS denialists get killed by their belief that HIV "isn't real, it's a pharma conspiracy of the medical industrial complex." Yeah, right, if you say so. I watched patients with those beliefs die.

The hardest part about this is, every new case I treat exposes me. I have assiduous hot zone technique. But no technique is bulletproof. If you keep exposing me to case after case, eventually, the virus will get through my defenses. I'm a 50 year old hypertensive. I don't expect to do well if I get infected. For now, I keep going to work. I'm one of the few pushing forward on COVID clinical trials, basic science, public health messaging, and diagnostic studies at my hospital. I feel a responsibility to keep going. I wake up with nightmares every morning at 4am. But I'm going to keep going for now. I feel very alone a lot of the time. People are not taking this seriously, and it's costing lives. -R

"Everything we do before a pandemic will seem alarmist. Everything we do after a pandemic will seem inadequate. This is the dilemma we face, but it should not stop us from doing what we can to prepare. We need to reach out to everyone with words that inform, but not inflame. We need to encourage everyone to prepare, but not panic." — Michael O. Leavitt, 2007

--

Richard A. Loftus, MD

"Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth and compassion against injustice and lying and greed. If people all over the world...would do this, it would change the earth." --William Faulkner