#Weird long post of rambling that goes completely haywire halfways through

[northwest-cryptid]

Tumblr is such an interesting website because if you ask me as someone who frequents a lot of old websites, forums, and the like; it’s actually extremely similar to those sorts of “closed groups” in that it’s entirely user curated to the point 90% of the people who I interact with or who interact with me are part of at least 1 if not more common interests; for me it’s mainly ProjMoon related media. But it also almost entirely, though sadly not completely; lacks the toxicity we so often see on those sites, or even other social media sites; this is going to go a little all over the place but if you’re curious you know the drill by now here’s a little “keep reading” thing and my thoughts on everything will be below it:

We see this in a lot of forums on the internet that take up almost cult like “us vs them” motifs where even the admins involved will intentionally scare away or bully newcomers who get too comfortable and start actually, you know; using the website. However what’s really cool about tumblr is that because it’s such a diverse web of these sorta closed groups, we don’t see that here.

We totally do in some fandom spaces don’t get me wrong, but I genuinely feel comfortable just posting whatever random stuff comes to mind. I don’t believe any of my mutuals or even followers would randomly decide to say I’m no longer welcome or allowed to post in ProjMoon tags simply because “you also posted about some other random thing one time” it’s cool because in a sense this site functions as a way for us to get to know one another on a deeper level if desired, but while it gives me the power to DM someone, or send them an inbox message it also gives them the power to simply not answer it, to block me, or to go about their business as if I don’t exist and the thing is; doing so won’t effect how the site functions for them.

As a content creator albeit a casual one, using twitter was so strange because if I didn’t have enough followers for someone, they might not give me the time of day. Which yea it sounds scummy, because it is. However that doesn’t mean it wasn’t so commonplace that it was normalized and greatly accepted by other content creators who would often justify it with saying things like “we need to focus on growing our brand and if you’re not going to help us grow our brand then we just don’t have time for you because this is work this isn’t socializing.” Which man, this is why I literally go on record saying “I don’t like vtubers” I don’t mean Hololive or Nijisanji or any professional studio, I literally mean up and coming vtubers on twitter who have around 1,000 followers and think they’re such hot shit that they don’t have the time for someone with say 200 or so followers simply because “mah brand” 

tumblrs system functions in such a way however, where my follower count, and your follower count are things that are entirely nonimportant. Like, how many followers do I have? Take a guess? Here’s your answer: does it matter? At the end of the day no matter how many followers I have it doesn’t really change anything about me. It doesn’t gauge my ability to make a “banger post” or to fit in with a community, it doesn’t give you any understanding of how well I can joke around or put on a show. All it does is give you an arbitrary number to judge my worth by. 

What always amused me so much about my time actively trying to grow an audience via twitter was that so often I’d see these streamers with 1000+ followers only getting about 2 - 5 active viewers, and the best part about that is that genuinely a majority of the time that was them asking myself or the others they were in a collab with to also view their stream to help boost ratings, the people watching weren’t from their thousands of followers, it was literally maybe their 1 regular and the other people streaming with them or half the time literally themselves on a phone or in a different window. However they still looked at their flashy 1,000+ follower count and said “I’m better than you.” 

This is how we’re raised on the internet, we’re raised and conditioned to believe if my number is bigger than your number I am socially better and that I should be held in a higher regard than you, that you should desire to be my friend because I have an inherent worth that you do not. 

I mean okay hear me out real quick, when I tell you “I’m a vtuber/streamer/content creator” if that excites you at all, does it excite you because “my friend is a content creator and I would love to see what kind of silly content they make having got to know them and enjoying my interaction with them!” Or perhaps does it excite you because “maybe I could get popular by being their friend! They must have a huge following who would give anything to talk to them like I do!” While posing it like this absolutely does make it seem like a very “selfless vs selfish” reasoning, I promise it’s not that cut and dry; but at the end of the day I always find it interesting how people often find my more interesting when they hear I’m a streamer and content creator, but lose all that interest the moment they hear that I average between 5 - 15 active viewers. They don’t care that those regulars are really cool people who I’ve genuinely enjoyed getting to know and who I am always happy to see in my chat, and who I don’t address as “chat” but rather have gotten to know well enough that I can address them by their name or at the very least their username because I feel it’s a level of respect that should be shared when my audience is still small enough for me to do so. I understand if you have literally tens of thousands of messages scrolling by, you would have to distance yourself a degree from every viewer of course; but when I see someone with 3 viewers refer to their audience as “chat” it bothers me because it feels so subhuman to simply disregard the idea that there’s another living breathing person on the other side of the screen who is giving you their time and attention.

What does this have to do with tumblr? Well simply put tumblr is no different, I know it sounds silly or maybe even stupid for me to say this but I don’t enjoy looking over all my notes because “oh man I’m so popular and I get so much validation from seeing everyone interacting with me” but rather I really enjoy reading through everyone’s tags on posts they reblog from me because it’s a way for me to get to know them a little better, and it leads to me actually checking out their blogs and enjoying their original content, and this allows me in turn to piece together a little more about who they are as a person, and it makes me feel interested in reaching out and saying hi even if it takes a while for a conversation to really get started or even if they don’t respond right away or at all. I find that this site gives me a way to interact with others while being able to do my own thing and they get to in turn choose exactly how much of their time and attention they wish to give me, but they can always learn more about how I think and how I feel about things by looking through what I reblog or checking out my personal posts so they also have an idea of who they are talking to.

tumblr is a website that doesn’t ask me to fully identify myself, it doesn’t ask me to give you my first and last name, birth place, mothers maiden name, and my social security number; it asks instead for all the information you might need to start a budding friendship with someone, what am I into? What sort of things do I enjoy doing, engaging with, eating, listening to. This means you can latch onto any one aspect of those things and go “oh hey me too!” It helps break down intimidating walls and barriers.

I enjoy vtubing as a streamer because I don’t have to put MYSELF out there, I don’t have to be on camera, if I’m not having a great day and my hair is messy it doesn’t matter, if I don’t want to wear a shirt that’s okay too. However I still get to put everything that makes me who I am out there. I still share my opinions, I still play my favorite games, I still discuss my favorite music or joke around with my community.  It’s why I was offended on behalf of their viewers when a vtuber I was collabing with started outright ignoring the individuality of their audience distancing themselves harshly from the maybe 3 or 4 people who bothered to come out and support them.

I am not about to tell someone what boundaries they can or can’t set for themselves, but it does feel a bit rude to not give people the time of day, when they have given you theirs. It’s why I tell my community outright “the chat box is your domain, the live stream is mine; and all my streams are a collaborative effort between you and I to have a good time.” I once admitted on stream that the entire reason I enjoy streaming has nothing to do with the potential of fame or fortune but rather because it’s simply fun to feel like I’m sitting on a couch with good friends playing a game I enjoy and having everyone sitting on the couch with me going “wait who’s this Netzach guy? I thought we were talking to the Purple dude? I LEFT FOR 2 MINUTES AND NOW HE’S DEPRESSED” 

At the end of the day I’ve grown up as “the little guy” the person who didn’t have friends, the person who wasn’t good at music, art, or media; I’m not even great at playing video games or telling jokes. But what I am good at is treating people with genuine respect and kindness because I know all too well what it feels like to be judged by a number, whether it be your age, your follower count, or how much content you make. 

A friend of mine always tells me they feel a little sad when their art doesn’t get as many notes as they hoped it would; and we once had a discussion about how we have been conditioned by living on the internet to desire outside validation rather than being able to genuinely be happy with something. We have to not only be happy with the creation ourselves, but also see that others also deem it important and good, otherwise the imposter syndrome kicks in pretty hard.

I still remember when I once befriended a few people in an old mmorpg only to have their guild officer ask me why I was always hanging around with their guild, I explained that I was friends with some of the members and I felt like I fit in; he then told me I was an arrogant asshole and it’s something that stuck with me because I literally didn’t know the guy. Yet to this day I always favor putting myself down rather than building myself up, and tell people that “I used to be an arrogant asshole” which is funny considering I used to be, and still am; actually a very depressed idiot who just wants to make friends with people and has an extremely low self esteem. However whenever I try to feel confident or catch myself feeling good about myself I’m reminded that I’m just “an arrogant asshole” and that’s specifically why I’m careful about the company that I keep these days. 

That’s how the internet is, everything becomes a matter of “survival” where you feel a need to put yourself first even if it hurts others, and you might not even realize you’re doing it. It’s a sort of culture where we are so hardcore focused on “us vs them” that we have no idea that “they” are part of us, just a part we vaguely don’t agree with and therefore we divide ourselves off from. I have found that I walk a very fine line between “protect yourself and your mental health, block people who you don’t wish to interact with or who have wronged you, and never be afraid to set boundaries” and also “be kind to others and give everyone a chance because you never know if inviting a friendship today could be something you come to cherish in 10 years when you’re now very good friends with people all over the world all because you allowed yourself a moment of indifference and understanding.” 

On one hand I believe everyone deserves respect and to be heard and to be given the time of day, but much like how a streamer might distance themselves from their audience for the sake of setting boundaries; I cannot fault someone for being even overly cautious on the internet because I have surely been burnt far too many times for opening my arms to the wrong people and inviting friendship when I didn’t realize it would end in ruin.