#Weird little backwards corners of my brain are being scratched with these Images that I did not imagine

[rotzaprachim]

This guy’s other stuff looks good but how did he manage to make these…. So visually upsetting

[missvifdor]

SHIFTING LOG. PART 3.

Wednesday July 14, 2021: Last night I don't know if it was the start of a lucid dream or the start of Shift, but it looked a lot like it. First of all, I felt symptoms and visualized that I was falling into a space-time tunnel but felt embarrassed about something and opened my eyes. On the second attempt, I found myself on a path in a dark place, the stones of the pavement looked at times like waves pushing me backwards and then I passed some characters who seemed all excited to move towards a place where was a new inter-dimensional portal obviously, I was also interested. But then again, something seemed to want to keep me from going through it. A dark tide has come in and it's like she wants to push me back! (It was maybe my blockages and my doubts, I am impressed that it is so huge and therefore, I understand better why it gets stuck so much). Again I struggled and made it through. And there, at that precise moment, I knew that I had succeeded in quotation marks. This time I was conscious. And I'm sure I was in some sort of an unknown portal dimension mixed with a Waiting Room and I wasn't alone there. First, I appeared to be a man. This man seemed disfigured with great difficulty communicated, but the scariest part of it all was that they appeared to be a serial killer a bit like Friday the 13th. I seemed to have made a lot of victims, only women. I was also looking for my next victim. That's when I met her. I don't remember exactly what her face was, but just like me, she also seemed to have Shift in this universe. I don't know how she recognized me or knew who I really was, but she wasn't afraid of me or my appearance. She took me to some kind of store but there didn't seem to be any customers, on a laptop that I didn't notice before, she erased the files that concerned the person and the body I was in for changed them to a look that suits me. We did not agree on the subject. She advised me to go back to my normal physical appearance, the CR me. Whereas I wanted to have the look of my dreams. When I started to change the information about myself on my cell phone, I lost control and went back to the dream world.

MONDAY JULY 26, 2021: Today I had one or more lucid dreams. When I woke up in this dream, I really thought I got up in my bed, as usual I checked that I had a connection, went to tiktok and got up. It wasn't until I went to the living room that I noticed I wasn't at home, even my front bed layout was weird, not as usual. I managed to take control, it was very difficult and sometimes I lost it, but at least I tried to make a portal for Shifter. It didn't work and it annoyed me. Then my family members appeared in this apartment which did not look like ours. They too looked strange, they looked hostile to my presence. As proof, my big sister tried to attack me and my niece did not look like the one I knew. She was blonde, less chubby and she seemed to have an adult consciousness in a baby's body. Suddenly, to prevent my older sister's assault on me, I hit her with an iron until she .... died. Hearing the din, my little brother was about to arrive, and probably with the same intention as my big sister. So I ran out the window. A window probably located on the 20th floor of the building where we were supposed to be living. I let myself fall into the void, lost control until I took it back and flew into the air. On this new attempt, I tried to make Hogwarts appear for a Shifter. It was difficult and the castle did not appear. I think my "family" was preventing me from succeeding, probably my blockages. At least they no longer resulted in a huge wave of dark water. I lost control and failed to regain it. That night, I was rather gone to Shifter in the MCU, but it seems that my mind remained focused on my Harry Potter DRs. Twelve days have passed since my last attempt and my last results, I hope that equates to substantial progress. I think my mind is very slow which is why I take so long between results. I will take a real break of at least a week or two before trying again so that my mind and body are fully restored.

August 15-17, 2021 (it happened between these dates) I tried again. After listening to a few subliminals that sounded pretty good, I got some little results that are worth highlighting. First, I had mild but present symptoms. And by dint of concentrating, I saw perhaps a sort of white ceiling with gold stars carved or painted on it. Too bad I lost track and the image has moved away in the dark.

SATURDAY AUGUST 21, 2021: Since the day before yesterday, I've been trying a new Shifting persuasion technique. My brain may still have doubts about the veracity of the Shifting and that's why I started to "validate" all my actions. For example, when I say out loud that I am going to turn off the light etc, I do it and my brain sees that it is working. So when I say an "I'm going to Shift tonight" statement my brain is going to be able to unblock. I feel it helps me. And so, combined with that, I also listen to asmr, audios with Loki's voice, read my script, read Headcanon / Imagine / X Reader because it's in my DR MCU that I wanted to go. I felt it had a good influence, I will continue in this case. During my try, I felt numbness, and that I was being touched. The contact I felt had to do with my face and the top of my head. I felt the touch of a large, warm hand pressing against my cheek. At one point, the contact was mildly painful, like a scratch or a slight burn on my left cheekbone. In the corner of my right eye, I felt a tear slide down my skin. It was quite strange because when I checked, no tears had fallen. Perhaps an unpleasant event or an argument or a fight may have broken out with my DR self. At other times, I felt that my hair was pulling out of my face. It was light, strange, but not unpleasant. I am curious to know what happened in my DR. Even now I feel a slight touch on that same cheek.

SUNDAY AUGUST 22, 2021: I listened to ASMR Loki as well as a very good subliminal. I felt like someone had put their head on my stomach. I also had the usual little symptoms.

MONDAY 23 AUGUST 2021: Not much. I think I will continue. Listening to subliminals, meditating and resting my mind during the week. I'll try again later.

MONDAY AUGUST 31, 2021: I tried again, this time using a guided meditation from the Raven Method in French. Before listening to it, I meditate, reread my script and then I started the method. This time the symptoms were a bit more different than usual. The point of pain right in the middle of my forehead, right between my two eyes returned. It had been a while since I had felt it and so strongly. Then I had sensations in my feet. They vibrated as if they were resting on the floor of a moving train. I felt exactly this sensation. I had the impression to really hear the noise of a train on rails and the noises of people around but for the latter I could be wrong, it could be noises made by my family. I had slight flashes of light but they faded very quickly. Finally, I had a really strange night. I was asleep, I'm sure of that and yet I feel like I spent my time just dozing lightly. I think the fact that I finally changed my mind about which DR I wanted to go to and re-read another script totally clouded my conscience and that my indecision was a drag on better quality results. I only have to focus on one DR and one script if I want to be able to move forward in my progress.

[shaxori-fiendline-posts]

Blackbox Theater in Gehenna

Ahem.  I haven’t done this in a while so, bear with me.  No, really, Bear, *grabs shirt hem*  I want to wander for a bit.  Take a walk with me down the tangents for a bit.  So, I’ve been working on my book.  My weird way of trying to put myself out there while exercising my mind and imagination again after being stuck in between real life in Malsheem and the inside of my head in Gehenna.  Trying to come up with a way I can dress up real life in order to understand what’s going on in a world where anything can happen.  I’m trying to make heads or tales of the patterns I think I see in the world around me.  Everything starts with a question.  And the question drops like a stone into the Astral Sea, sending out ripples of effect in everything.  But I can’t see all of the angles to understand where each ripple originated by myself.  I try, but when I do I feel like there’s always two sides of my personality warring for control over everything.  So, since you’re not only my singular follower on here besides a bot, you’re also the most science brained individual I know that is still willing to pat me on the head and say, “ok, I’ll suspend my disbelief in anything unexplainable by science and just believe for a little bit.”

So, here’s the question that started this particular tangent.  I’ve been trying to figure out how to use Lilly as an avatar to help me get my thoughts in line.  99.9% of this writing has been me reverse engineering my friends’ personalities into fictional characters that respond as they might have if we were role-playing the characters I created for them.  Jareth is a character, for example, that was once played by my buddy, Jimmy.  His explanation for Old Ones was nearly a direct quote as to how he described it to me when I was trying to get a handle on Lilly’s crazy.  I could have kissed him.  As soon as he explained it, something clicked in my head as I was trying to explain why Lilly is so fucked up.  Well, I thought I could keep that one locked up for a while and try to build up to it more, but I just can’t.  It feels like taking three steps backward in the writing when I do.  But it started raising more questions in my head, and I’ve never been good at juggling.  Questions started dropping out from between my fingers, sending out so many questions, I couldn’t keep up.  It’s gotten to the point as I’m trying to figure out how to tie off loose ends from earlier chapters without cheesing it (because I’ll fucking forget where I buried the leads and get lost in the fucking minefields again) that both Lilly and I are about to say fuck it, I’m going back to working in the toil and we’re going to do everything possible to forget we ever peeked at the last few pages of the book.  We spoiled the ending for ourselves and now we are in a constant state of hurry up and wait.  And we’re tired.  She’s pissed, I’m just defeated.  No, that’s not the right word.  Done.  Yeah.  Thankfully, Lilly is the part of my brain that never stops moving.  She’s constantly wandering down through the halls of the Library, (which looks like an MC Esher nightmare, BTW) pulling down boxes and picking through them to try and find all of the pieces of the puzzle to finally get out of my head.  And you know what happens when I start to hyper-focus of the pieces instead of looking at how they fit together.  Wooo Shiney happens entirely too much.  So, when I say I’m done, it’s not the depression talking, it’s the apathy warring with my reasonability.  When I say I’m done, I’m mean I’m done giving a shit.  I’m done trying to put my life on display in such a way that I can’t tell what tone of voice to read it in.  I can’t figure out who it is that I’m talking to.  I don’t know who is going to read it which is why I pinpointed a person that doesn’t exist in this world. Normally, I would try to motivate myself by saying “maybe.”  But, I’ve always known, just like every kid does, that “maybe” is really “no” in disguise.  Unless you get a solid yes and/or proof of validity, anything else is a “no”.  You get used to hearing all of the variations of “no” to the point where you expect it from everyone and when you do hear “yes” you immediately question the person’s level of trustworthiness.  Are they just fucking with me and, if they are, what are they getting out of it?  “You.  You want to be my friend?  Wait, why?  I’m a horrible individual.  I’m an asshole.  I’m actually proud of the fact that I really could give a shit about the vast majority of the population.  All I care about is me and mine.”  But my problem is I can’t stop adopting strays.  I try to put myself out there to draw in others like me and find the good ones to keep.  That’s why Jareth/Jimmy keeps lecturing me about my accidental families.  And then I look at the nest of weirdos I’ve created and, well, you’re married to one of them, you know what I’m talking about.  Like, I love them all, but they make my brain hurt sometimes.  “Yes, kids, I love you, now go play in the corner, Mommy has a lot of shit do and I’m starting to understand while some species of animals eat their young.”  I’m so thankful nature decided to take my ability to procreate without fertility treatments.  I have enough deviants to keep me amused, I do not need children.  At least with mine, I can hand them a pair of scissors and not have to wor... nevermind, I take that back.  I can feel the bullshit cough from here.  My point is, I’m a tech, I can wrangle the clowns and fix their chainsaws, but I do not have the energy to keep the rest of the circus in order at the same time.  The rest of the show has to fall to someone else.  That’s why I’m using D&D as a set for the stage.  When I try to build the world from scratch on my own, I have to try and make it unique enough to showcase my skills at descriptions, but I get lost in the descriptions and forget that I have to make sure the characters stay on track with the story through their interactions.  Using D&D gives me a static resource set to get a mental image of the world in which Lilly lives.  With the set already built, I can put down the tech belt and go run with the clowns to burn off some excess energy.  But I have to make sure Lilly is rounded out well enough not overwhelm the party.  Unfortunately, since the story is inspired by real life events and thought processes (somewhat, it’s D&D for fuck’s sake) I’ve reached the point where I’m going to have to do META ass shit in order to get past Act One.  After that, in real life, I have to find some source of income that doesn’t involve donating plasma to pay my cell phone.  I want to write.  I want to be creative.  I have a million and one ideas on things I could try, but I also know that I have to get out of Malsheem if I’m ever going to get to the Feywild for real.  And that takes coin because I have yet to figure out portal tech as a practical application.  That’s on the shelf marked “the geometry is wrong” in the “don’t go in there, it’s weird” section of the Library.  I need an adult to go in there.  I just scared myself in two different ways thinking about going in there alone, the first was the atmospheric drop in temperature and the second was the sudden realization that I tend to be smart enough to know better, but too dumb to quit.  I will open some box or book and, yeah.  I’m not allowed in there without supervision.  Ok, that started a ripple of potential hypnotherapy sessions.  Provided I could find someone actually capable of hypnotizing me. Anyway.  That’s right, the point.  Lilly is supposed to be my character, my way of telling my story through the filter of fantasy so I can make sense of it all. And I can’t stay stuck at my desk anymore, hoping and praying that’ll I’ll do something right this time.  So, I’m going to make sure she’s at a playable level and do some pick-up games with her when I can get time to myself to be able to play between working at a *shudders* normal job long enough to clean up my credit and get a place of my own somewhere.  Then, I’ll be able to reassess the situation without the continuous irritation of Dopple-Mom interruptions.  If I have to go back to the call-centers, I might be able to power through it like I did before.  I’m just going to have to watch out for the traps I fell into last time. But I’ll have to put the book on hiatus until I’m in a place of my own and can relax when I get off work enough to be able to think freely.  It won’t really gather any readers or foot-traffic on Royal Road while I’m working, but I’m ok with that.  It takes away the pressure of trying to build an audience while the book is still being written.  Granted, that would make it easier to transfer into an actual novel format once it’s completed and have a market waiting for release so I *can* write for a living.  But, hope in one hand and shit in the other, all you get is pink-eye.  I can’t control who sees my stuff.  I can’t control its reception or the opinions thereof that dictate word of mouth marketing.  When your success in a field is dependent on the reviews of your work by the general public, sometimes it’s better to just stop giving a fuck.  I’m not going to try and build an audience ahead of time anymore.  I’m just going to write and release chapters until I have to hit the hiatus button.  If the story dies because I can’t find the time or the motivation to write, it’ll just be added to the failed attempts pile.  Not the first, not the last.  Smart enough to know better, too dumb to quit, remember?  I’ll try again at some other point to write a story worth sharing.  It just won’t be inspired by real life.  Just straight fantasy so I have a place in my head I can visit that’s nice to hang out in for a change.

[in-the-grip-of-depression]

In The Grip Of Depression Chapter 10: Attempted Rescue

Chapter 1|Previous Chapter|Next Chapter

Trigger Warnings: mentions of blood, implied rape, torture, manipulation, violence, brief mention of vomit, abuse

White hot pain. That's the first thing that registered in Logans mind when he woke up. His entire body ached as if he'd been run over by a truck.

He opened his eyes, reached for his glasses with a pained wince and inhaled sharply at the angry red marks, scratches and cigarette burns that littered his body.

Hot tears ran down his cheeks as he took note of each one, some barely visible due to the ugly purple and black bruises that covered his body. Most of the bruises were from the vicious beating he received after getting back to the tree house.

He turned his head and noticed Preston had already left. He didn't know whether to be happy or not about that.

Logan had put off sitting up for as long as he could but he needed to get up so he grit his teeth and tried to push himself up.

Logan paled from the pain and bit down on his lip to hold back a scream so hard that blood filled his mouth.

He dared a glance down at the bed, which he vaguely remembered Preston dragging him to, and gagged at the bloodstained sheets.

Logans shoulders shook as he held back his sobs. He should have known he was being used but Preston was always so convincing and Logan was foolish enough to believe him.

Feeling vulnerable in his naked state Logan glanced around for his clothes and was relieved to see them draped over a chair.

With a deep breath and pure determination Logan managed to stand up and hobble over to his clothes.

He felt dizzy and lightheaded but put his clothes on as fast as he could, not wanting Preston to walk in and have the idea of continuing.

As he was pulling his trousers on he felt a solid lump in one of the pockets.

He reached in and held back a noise of relief as he realised it was his phone.

He slipped it back into his pocket and quickly tied his tie before walking slowly and painfully over to the door.

He found himself on the balcony again and held back vomit as he noticed the pool of blood which must have been from him.

He leaned against the railing, taking deep breaths to try and calm himself down.

"Hey Logan, darling, I had so much fun." A familiar voice said in a cheery tone.

Logan turned around slowly to see Preston leaning against the wall of the tree house, twirling a knife coated in dried blood.

"uh.... Um..." Logan spluttered his eyes locked warily on the knife.

Preston looked at Logan in amusement noticing where he was looking. "Don't worry baby, I'm not going to hurt you. Unless of course you want me to." Preston smirked as Logan shook his head frantically.

"that's too bad, I enjoyed marking you as mine." Prestons eyes gleamed and Logan began to feel uneasy.

"What do you mean?" he asked in a hoarse voice, wincing at how raw his throat felt.

Preston grinned "I mean you were begging for me to mark you as mine so I did, you have a lovely little carving on your left hip. I'm surprised you didn't see it."

Logan tried to wrack his brains and remember if he'd actually asked for that but all he could remember was screaming in pain, occasionally begging for Preston to stop.

Logan felt bile rising up again but pushed it down as Preston stepped closer, still twirling the knife.

"speaking of that mark, I want to see how it turned out." Preston said in a casual tone as if he were discussing the weather.

Logan flinched backwards as Prestons hands tugged the hem of his shirt up but there was nowhere to go so he stood there quivering.

Preston was admiring the large angry wound on Logans left hip with a smug smirk. "When that heals it will become a lovely little scar to remind you and everyone else who you belong to." He said in a satisfied tone.

Preston turned and walked back into the tree house, leaving Logan to silently cry.

After a few minutes Logan remembered his phone and pulled it out.

He wondered how he could talk to the others without Preston noticing. His usually fast mind seemed to be at a standstill. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Roman woke up from a vivid nightmare, his heart pounding as he searched around himself just in case.

A small sigh left his lips as he noticed Patton curled up next to him. They'd fallen asleep from emotional exhaustion and Roman didn't want to wake him so he quietly crept out of the room.

He walked towards the lounge where he thought he'd find Virgil only to find it empty.

Roman frowned in slight concern until a voice from behind him asked "Where's Patton?"

Roman spun around and relaxed at the sight of Virgil before replying "He's asleep but he was so exhausted I didn't want to wake him up."

Virgil nodded, trying to bite back a yawn as his own exhaustion began to kick in.

"You should probably get some rest too, your back still needs to heal more and walking around constantly could make it worse." Roman said.

Virgil looked torn. "If we're all asleep we're going to be vulnerable. What happens if Preston decides to pop up again?" he asked half wanting to sleep but half wanting to stay awake.

"who said anything about all of us being asleep?" Roman said with a small smile "I just woke up so I'm not particularly tired. I don't mind staying awake just in case Preston decides to visit."

Virgil still looked reluctant as if he was going to continue to argue but Roman sighed and spoken in a serious voice. "Virgil get some sleep I won't let anything happen to you or Patton. You can't fight against Preston if you're falling asleep on your feet."

Virgil rolled his eyes and muttered "Fine, but if anything happens you have to wake me and Patton."

Roman grinned "I promise."

Virgil turned and headed towards Pattons room, not wanting to go back to his own for obvious reasons.

Roman sat on the couch for about half an hour until he began to get restless. He stood up and walked around for a bit which kind of helped but he still felt the need to fidget.

He decided to take a walk around the mindspace and through the imagination forest to try and calm himself. He needed to be doing something or he'd end up doing something reckless.

Roman checked in on Patton and Virgil before he started and a smile came to his lips at the sight of both of them curled up together.

He silently closed the door and headed towards the imagination forest. It had been a while since he'd walked through it because of everything that had happened but he remembered how he used to make a routine of it.

The imagination forest was the best for helping Roman calm his busy thoughts and work out how best to deal with difficult situations.

Roman was walking through the very heart of the forest when he stopped and listened for a second. He thought he'd heard a scream but it could have been one of the many animals that lived in the forest, some of them being weird hybrids.

Roman started walking again only to freeze in horror as this time he heard the scream again but he could make out words.

"Stop! Please!"

It sent chills down Romans spine and he crept closer to the source. He came to a clearing where a dark puddle had formed.

As he was watching something dripped into the puddle making Roman look up and have to clap a hand over his mouth to stop himself making a noise of horror.

Blood was dripping from what appeared to be a tree house at a steady rate and he could make out familiar sounding sobs.

Roman realised he'd found Logan and Preston and barely had time to think about he was doing as he started walking towards the ladder, his katana materialising on his hip.

Logan lay on the balcony sobbing in pain as the mark on his hip bled freely. He'd tried to use some of his ability to heal the wound so it wouldn't become a permanent scar but Preston had found out and decided to carve it deeper as punishment.

Logan managed to shakily push himself up and pulled out his phone. He needed to tell the others where he was because he wasn't sure how much of this he could take.

He quickly sent a group text so they'd all get it saying I'm in the imagination forest in a tree house, Prestons with me but doesn't know I have my phone with me so don't reply or he'll find out. I don't know how long I can do this so if you want to rescue me, despite everything, then you need to hurry.

Romans phone vibrated and he quickly fished it out and read through the text with a clenched jaw. He closed his eyes and willed himself to appear in the tree house.

He was the creative side so he could control some aspects of the imagination which he wished he'd remembered sooner.

He crept round the corner and noticed a bruised and battered looking Logan with blood splattering his usually immaculate clothes.

The image was so close to what he'd imagined before when all of the others were dead that Roman almost teared up but fought it down and focused on his anger towards Preston.

He stepped closer and whispered "Logan, its me."

Logans head quickly snapped up and a look of relief and disbelief flashed across his face. "But I only just sent the text and why would you still want to rescue me?" he asked in a hushed voice.

Roman glanced around for Preston and when he didn't see him he crouched down and started to lift Logan to his feet. "We can talk about all this later but right now we've got to get out of here."

Romans words seemed to register because Logan nodded and tried his best to ignore the pain as he was half carried towards the ladder.

Roman stopped and whispered "I'm going to teleport us to the ground but it might put pressure on some of your injuries so try to keep quiet."

Logan nodded and closed his eyes and bit down on his lip bracing himself for the pain.

Roman teleported them down to the forest floor and Logan managed to hold back a scream with great difficulty but his legs buckled under him.

"do you think you can walk?" Roman asked in concern and Logan nodded.

"yes, I just need a minute." Logan breathed out, trying to push away the pain.

Eventually he struggled to his feet and Roman pulled one of Logans arms over his shoulders to help take some of the weight off of his injured legs as they began the slow journey out of the imagination forest.

As they were reaching another clearing they heard someone clapping and froze.

"Well done, that was quite the rescue and you almost pulled it off too." Preston appeared from behind a tree, a mocking smile on his face.

Roman positioned himself in front of Logan protectively and glared at Preston.

Preston smirked at this and said "Just because you're standing in front of him doesn't mean I can't get him. Your not the only one who can control aspects of the imagination."

With that Preston teleported closer to prove his claim.

Roman growled "you'll still have to go through me to get him."

Preston grinned cruelly at Romans choice of words. "Oh I plan to."

With that Preston teleported and lunged for Roman but Roman managed to sense where he was going to appear and quickly dodged him.

Roman tugged his katana free of its sheath and swung at Preston who laughed and managed to produce a tree in front of him to block the blow.

Logan stood off to the side unsure what to do until he had a thought. As beaten and physically useless as he was Logan could still use his abilities. He quickly set about trying to heal the most painful injuries before turning back to the fight.

His other ability was his ability to send thoughts into other people's minds. He occasionally used this to share things he'd researched when he was too tired to explain it.

He quickly focused on one of his painful memories and pushed it towards Preston in the hope it would hinder him long enough for Roman to get him.

At first it seemed to work, Preston stumbled with wide eyes and made a gasping noise but he quickly recovered, his eyes narrowing and his dark eyes locking onto Logan.

Preston seemed to suddenly gain more strength as he shoved Roman away and stormed over to Logan, teleporting when Roman tried to tackle him.

Preston was just about to grab hold of Logan when Roman also seemed to gain more strength and he tackled Preston from the side, sending them both rolling across the forest floor.

They both stood up glaring at each other until Roman called his katana back to him and a long blade of some sort appeared in Preston hands.

The two fought for ages trying every trick they could to gain an advantage, teleporting, taunting each other and trying to catch each other off balance.

Suddenly Preston teleported behind Roman and hooked his leg so Roman found himself on his back which made him let out a small yelp of surprise.

Preston smirked and quickly raised his sword before plunging it down, relishing in the terrified scream coming from Logan.