#Weird Little Sister core. She's just like me! 🥰

[elliehallers]

Ryland would love S*pernatural, and she'd be a Wincestie! I know that girl was drawing Sam/Dean fanart. 😌

[cutenessinanutshell]

Today was a long day. Productive but long. My body got gradually more sore from yesterday’s lift as the day went on. Tomorrow is another heavy lift day. My calorie intake sucked tho. I think I only ate 594 calories today cuz I didn’t eat lunch and on average I’ve been eating 1250. So tomorrow I gotta at least try to make that up. I gotta eat a lot of snacks tomorrow. I don’t think that’ll be hard tho. Next week I’m adding 100 calories a day to that 1250 so I can slowly get myself Up go 1750. Ideally to gain a pound a week I’d need 2032 calories a day but that’s just like way too much for my stomach cuz it’s used to nothing. I imagine as long as I maintain a work out I can gain muscle while eating that much more. Because as long as I’m working out to use the extra energy in consuming I’m good. At the very least I’m gonna heavy lift twice a week. Pole in between or on the same day because I teach. Pole is mostly arms and back and flexibility at my level anyway. And I guess core in General. I cannot fucking believe that almost five years ago I took my first pole class. In 13 days. 🥰 nothing makes me happier

I talked to my best friend today for the first time in months. Guys. We send each other little updates but Neither of us are big texters so we only talk talk when we see each other or on FaceTime. So we haven’t done that since like beginning of September. So we talked from like 9 till 12. I probably talked from like 9:15 till 10:30. It was way easier to talk to her than I had it in my head. I missed her. She just sits there and listens to my play by plays and even at the end of it she’s not tired of me. Weird. My cousin and her are people I’ve always been able to give play by plays to because even as a kid and I’m sure y’all noticed, I’m the kind of person who remembers microdetails all the time. I used to tell my cousin stories in high school and I’d remember dates and times and specific things I’d be doing for different stories of my life. So it’s weird that I have an irrational fear of forgetting. Do you guys know that’s why I like to write? I have a fear that somehow I’m gonna forget my life and I think these feelings are things I’d want to always remember about myself so I write. I write to myself on and off a blog. I used to always write handwritten letters to myself chronicling me staring at The back of Tj’s head in grade twelve history class. It’s cuz I think when I’m 65 and I’m retired I think it could be fun to see how I grew up. All the stages I didn’t think I could get through that I did. How I grew or how I maybe stayed the same. I think I’d be sad if I forgot the life that made me who I was by that age. Why would you want to forget your youth???

There are 13 days until my 26th birthday. I think of all the birthdays I’ve ever had, this is probably the worst one and I feel the most depressed. Simply because I literally spent august October November and honestly partially December wildly depressed and it’s starting to change who I am. I feel it in my bones. I kinda feel like I’ve failed myself. By 26 I expected so much of my life. I wanted to be moved out, I wanted to be engaged, I wanted to have lots of money and a full time job, I wanted to be actively investing in my career and I wanted to have so much more than I gave myself. Today my best friend brought up if I sold my shares of the studio that would bring me money to invest in the studio there... so I could be part owner with her. So I’d go off and build a new pole family over there. It makes sense. But I still think as fun as it would be I think it’d still be slightly lonelier than before. Because honestly guys, my business partner and a few of the girls have become like sisters to me. Like I’d miss my business partner so much if I couldn’t see her as often as I do. I know I’d be happier if I moved back there. I know I would be. I’m a free bird over there. But I’d miss the girls a lot because they became something very close to my heart because of this pandemic. Also your real girl friends are forever but partners are never guaranteed. Today I found out how even the most innocent people can be so unhappy in their marriage that they see someone else secretly. Is that what life is? Is forever not having someone to spend a life with? Even the most quiet. They seek attention outside their vows because of reasons I just don’t think should have to happen with someone who’s meant to be your life partner. Like you can’t live with each other so it works that you both are always out of town at different times. Or how he’s too emotionally dependent on you and you can’t handle it and so you find someone else. Are we meant to constantly ignore our problems because that is as good as it gets? Constantly patch it up until next time. Or is the real punishment being in relationship purgatory. Where you can’t leave so you’re on the ride waiting for it to crash but this time with different armour. Doesn’t make the outcome any better, you’re just building a harder shell is all. Is that what life is meant to be because I’m disappointed in the world for that. I don’t want to settle. That’s not a world I want to be a part of anymore I want more. Today my business partner was just telling me about how she sometimes feels like she also should’ve listened to our friends advice and break up with her dude because she’s been complaining about the same thing for months now. He doesn’t pay attention to her. Or he doesn’t listen so he doesn’t ever know what to get her or plan for her birthday, so she has to plan it, he’s always working and or checking his emails for his businesses. And then he makes her feel bad because her ex is basically stalking her. She was also telling me how she never stopped loving him, she just felt like if she took him back a fourth time after he cheated on her how dumb does she look... like it happened one too many times and it’s enough for one person to handle from one person and I get that. And how sometimes she sees something and she knows it would make him laugh but she doesn’t because boundaries. Sounds terrifying. To never stop loving a person you know you can’t ever be with again. That seems complicated. But I’ve never loved anyone else before. I’ve only really loved TJ. I don’t know why, but it was only ever him honestly. It always came back to him. Like magnets. So it’s not the same thing really

I used to hide things from him because I didn’t want him to think my worries are putting us two steps backward because he’d always say that. So even at the end and this is what I told my best friend is like.... I remember actively not telling him why I was upset at him the day before we broke up because I didn’t want him to tell me we were going backward so I didn’t want to make a big deal of some thing I didn’t know I would be mad about. But I do remember thinking about breaking up with him anyway because that was the second time I noticed the gaslighting. Everything else was just the truck hitting me with the “bitch too late, have a nice trip” ugh. The whole thing.... it makes my head spin. I don’t ever wanna forget. But it makes my head spin.

So anyway, on a lighter note my training is going well for new classes the girls love them. I’m excited to see the studio with people in there 😩 we are still expected to be in lockdown until at least January 20th. I’m exhausted of these full lockdowns. Online classes are keeping me sane but I also hate them. Hopefully training at the studio will make it a big better. Even if it’s large and lonely with no one in it.