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skiller0dani · 3 years

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Old Prison Blues | Spencer Reid

M A S T E R L I S T Criminal Minds Masterlist

smut | dom!spencer x bau!reader requests info w.c | 7.2k summary | when your husband Spencer gets released from Prison, he's much different then you remember.

I have it so bad for this man, enjoy! Also guys this piece made butterflies squirm in my belly lmao this one is so HOT it made me blush. Guys, it made me B L U S H. I need to go dunk myself in holy water to atone for this SIN. (just kidding lmao I'm agnostic).

you can see his bulge in this gif and I can't stop admiring looking at it.

When you were in college you'd been an undergraduate in Criminal Justice, so you were familiar with the effects Prison has on the psyche. In other words, you knew Spencer would come back different. No person could pass through Prison unscathed and frankly you'd be more concerned if he came back and nothing had changed at all. At home, he seemed to be relatively okay, and those 6 mandatory weeks of break had allowed him the rest he deserved. Nothing exciting had happened during those weeks, the only thing you did was curl up on the couch next to him and watch movies. You'd made up for all those weeks in Prison during the evenings when you would cling to him and cry out his name in ecstasy.

Spencer really did seem to be fine, until you returned to work. That's when you started to see all the ways Prison had hardened him.

At first, it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. If you were someone who knew Spencer well then you knew that he wasn't a man who was confident in his looks. When you and Spencer first got married he was insecure, and would be discouraged when you hung out with other guys. You wouldn't say he was jealous because jealously in itself requires a certain amount of anger. But when Spencer saw you around other men he wasn't angry, he was sad. Absolutely convinced you were going to leave him any second, despite you telling him you married him because you love him. Deep down, he always thought somebody would steal you from him even though you consistently reminded him how much you love him. That's just the kind of guy Spencer is.

Or, was.

The darkness that brews in Prison, the violent hatred, the anger seems to have followed Spencer to freedom. It has made a home in his chest, and while you're not worried about Spencer flying off the deep end and shooting an innocent, the anger reveals itself in much more subtle ways. It's in the way he clenches his jaw when he can't figure something out, or the blanching of his knuckles as he grips the steering wheel with a crushing force, it's the agitation in his eyes when he watches Alvez's knuckles brush against your lower back for the 3rd time since you two had arrived at the office this morning. The anger has adapted to civilian life like Spencer has, it's learned. It's subtle. Unfortunately you know Spencer almost better then he knows himself, you can tell when something is bothering him.

You slide your hands over his shoulders, and much to your surprise you feel him tense.

"You okay?" You know it's a stupid question, but you have to ask.

"Yeah, fine." Spencer's tone is clipped, shoulders rigid, back straight. Something is definitely bothering him. You squeeze his shoulders and begin to work at the tightened muscles, slowly easing them to relax. The tension flows out of him as he relaxes back in his desk chair, the frustration ebbing away slightly when his eyes catch your wedding ring. The object that binds you to him.

"Don't shut me out." You whisper, a soft plea in your voice. Spencer's heart wretches when he hears the fear in your tone, and one of his hands comes up to catch yours. He presses a chaste kiss to one of your knuckles before swiveling around to face you. You always find a way to soothe the violent, raging beast inside of him. Spencer's hands find your hips as he turns his gaze up to look at you.

"You're right I'm sorry. Just tense today." He says softly, and while there is a little lie to his words, his statement remains mostly the truth. He just leaves out the part where he pictures enacting varying forms of violence on Luke Alvez. The man who keeps unnecessarily touching his wife. You lean down to press a kiss to his forehead, your head snapping up when Garcia calls from the conference room.

"Got a case folks, and it's an ugly one." Her nose scrunches up into a frown before she turns into the room. You pull away from Spencer, yanking him to his feet by his hand. Luke sends you a playful wink as he trots up the stairs, and while you don't necessarily react to it, it still puts Spencer on edge. Deep down Spencer always knew you were way out of his league, but that never became clearer then when you came to visit him in Prison.

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You were trembling as you lowered yourself into the chair. Dried tears were on your cheeks, and you haven't even seen Spencer yet. The last time you saw him was a few weeks prior after he first got back from Mexico. Seeing his wrists bound in those metal handcuffs had broken your heart in a way you never anticipated. You wrung your hands together, luckily when Penelope had made the visitation Chart she scheduled you as the first person to come see him. The plastic chair was uncomfortable, but what was worse was the plastic guard separating you from Spencer. The clock ticked loudly, it was clearly mocking you. Reminding you of the seconds you were losing with Spencer, reminding you of all the seconds he was spending in Prison.

When you hear the buzzer scream loudly, you nearly come out of your seat you're so excited to see him. You and Spencer got married back in 2005, and you've never been separated from him for longer then a week. It's been over a month now, and each day he's not with you leaves a bigger hole in your chest. You watch him follow the other prisoners out, and the handcuffs around his wrists breaks your heart. His eyes light up the second he sees you, he nearly shoves the other guy over to get to you faster. There are tears in your eyes as Spencer's wrists are released from the cuffs from the guard standing nearby.

"Hey baby." Spencer says softly as he takes his seat across from you. All you want is to reach across the stupid barrier and touch him, hold his hand, anything. But you know the guards will punish him if he does, but being this close to him without being able to hold him is absolutely killing you. You try to blink the tears out of your eyes so that Spencer won't see, but it's all too much. Seeing him in a jumpsuit, with cuff bruises around his wrists, having to sleep in the same building as murderers. The first tear falls and you immediately look away from him.

"Please don't cry." Spencer begs softly. "I'm okay, really."

You wipe your tears before you look back up at him, digging around in your bag for a gift from Henry. You smile when you see the happiness cross onto his face as you pull the piece of paper out.

"Henry drew this for you, it's from when you guys went to the park." You hold it up for him to see and you try to fight another onslaught of tears when you see his eyes misting.

"You know, when I get out of here we should have one." Spencer says it so casually, you almost miss it. Your eyes nearly pop out of your head as you carefully lower the drawing.

"You want to try for a baby?" You can't hide the smile, and you see Spencer's eyes shine for the first time since he's been in here.

"Yeah, I want to have a baby with you." You and Spencer had a brief conversation about kids a few years ago, and you knew Spencer wasn't ready for it back then. His Father ran out on him and Diana when Spencer was just a kid, it made Spencer insecure about the type of Father he would end up being. In Spencer's mind, a fatherless man would never make a good Father. But it seems he's changed his mind. You had no issues agreeing to wait before you had kids until he was ready, you always knew Spencer would be a fantastic Father.

Suddenly from Spencer's right you hear a low wolf whistle. The tenderness that was on Spencer's face is instantly wiped away. His expression tenses, his jaw clenching as he turns his gaze to a large burly looking man covered in tattoos. The man sitting across from him, the one who was visiting, looked similar. Both of the biker looking men were eyeing me hungrily, it made my skin crawl.

"Something I can help you with?" Spencer asks, his voice tense. The tension in the room grows tenfold, and you fight the instinct to try and scoot closer to Spencer. The Biker looks Spencer in the eyes, a taunting smile on his face.

"That your sister?"

"Wife." Spencer snaps instantly.

"Your wife?" The Biker says incrediously, Spencer raises a brow, daring him to continue. "There's no way a woman with an ass that tight would marry a man as scrawny as you."

You expected to see insecurity flash in Spencer's eyes, instead all you saw was rage. Unbridled, violent rage.

"Choose your next words carefully." Spencer's voice was low, and as sharp as the edge of a blade. You almost didn't recognize him. The Biker leaned forward, fueled only by the knowledge that he was getting under Spencer's skin.

"She as tight as she looks? If I wasn't locked up, I'd fuck her so good she wouldn't even remember what your little pecker feels like."

Spencer's jaw clenches, and his fists curl tightly. The Biker is about 2 words away from a broken nose.

"Baby just let it go." You plead, and normally you don't really use pet names in public but right now you needed to show him that you're his.

"I'll tell you what Klein, I'll fuck her for you and tell you how it felt." The other man says, the man visiting. Upon hearing the words come out of his mouth, Spencer is shoving up from the chair but almost instantly a guard is tightly gripping Spencer's shirt and shoving him back into the chair. Spencer is fuming, and there's nothing you can do to calm him down.

"If you so much as lay a finger on her, your friend here will be dead before you can have another visit." Spencer hisses, and the two large men chuckle.

Spencer instantly took you off the visitors list, and while that felt like a blow to your heart you understood why. You didn't want to stress him out by visiting him.

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So, yeah, Spencer knew you were out of his league and when Luke pulled your chair out for you at the table before he had the chance to, it made his blood boil. Why is Luke trying to take care of you? Doesn't he know that Spencer has been released from Prison? You don't need anybody else to take care of you, your husband is more than capable of doing it himself. When Spencer sat down in the chair next to you, he rested one hand on your thigh. You're only slightly surprised, normally Spencer isn't this 'handsy' in public, but in recent weeks he's been more assertive around other men.

"The body of 23 year old Cassandra Richardson was found 2 weeks ago in Lincoln, Nebraska. Her body was mutilated and showed signs of sexual assault. Yesterday another body, 20 year old Francesca Williams was found around the same warehouse district with similar wounds to the first victim." Penelope rushes the words out, almost as though saying them pains her. Various images show on the screen of the two victims, both bloodied and battered.

"Other than similar injuries, what makes the local police think it's the same unsub?" Luke asks, his eyes flickering towards you for the briefest second. While Spencer was locked away, Luke became a shoulder to cry on. Normally when you were upset and Spencer wasn't around, you'd talk to Derek. But since he's been gone you've felt more isolated then you normally do. Luke had found you crying one morning before you had taken off, and ever since he's had an "older brother" protection over you.

"A tattoo on both of the victims thighs, the words 'temerata virginem' which is Latin for 'desecrated virgin'." With the click of a button on her remote, Penelope pulls up a photo of the tattoos. The lines are shaky, although they stay mostly straight.

"It almost looks professional, except the lines aren't perfectly straight. A professional would make the line work perfect." JJ says, examining the photo closer in the folder each of you received. You turn your gaze to Spencer when you feel his hand leave your thigh to examine the photo closer. You could practically see the gears turning in that beautiful mind of his.

"It's possible an outside source is causing a tremble in the unsubs hands, if he is a professional tattoo artist." Spencer mumbles, almost to himself. Sometimes when he's in deep concentration, he nearly forgets other people are in the room with him.

"Could be drugs-" Luke starts but is sharply cut off.

"Actually it's more likely to be alcohol, withdraw from other drugs would be too severe to operate the tattoo machine." Spencer snaps, causing a few heads to turn and look at him. Maybe under other circumstances someone would say something to him, but since Spencer got released from Prison only a few weeks ago, nobody says anything. Luke's eyebrows furrow together as he shoots Spencer a confused look, one Spencer chooses to ignore as his hand returns to your thigh. Spencer knows he's acting like a jerk but he can't help it, Luke needs to know who you belong to. Spencer had everything taken from him in Prison, he won't let anyone take you from him too.

"We've been personally asked by the local police to assist, so wheels up in 30." Emily concludes, shooting one more look at Spencer before everybody rises.

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The tension on the jet is thick, you're absolutely sure everybody can feel it. Hardly anyone has interacted with Spencer, except to ask him a question about the case. You sit back against the couch, Luke sitting in one of the chairs at the table, and Spencer sitting on the arm of the chair next to you. In your hand was a nearly empty cup of coffee, and just as you move to refill, Luke rises with his own empty cup.

"Need a refill?" He asks, offering you a friendly smile.

"Yeah actually-"

"I got it." Spencer says abruptly, standing from where he was sitting. His eyes meet Luke's, silently challenging him. You try to be understanding, but you can't help but feel annoyed at Spencer. If he was acting like this to some random guy then that's one thing, but this is Luke. He's your friend, he's Spencer's friend. Luke, and the rest of the team, put everything on the line to free Spencer from Prison.

"It's cool man, I can do it-" Luke offers again, but Spencer isn't having it.

"I said I got it." Spencer reaches his hand out for your mug, which you instantly give to him. His eyes don't leave Luke's until he turns around and heads to the back of the jet to refill your coffee. Luke pauses for a few seconds, his eyes meeting yours and mirroring the same look of concern before he heads for the coffee pot as well. Luke isn't even upset by how Spencer is treating him, he- like everyone else, is worried about Spencer's psyche.

"What is going on with Spencer?" JJ whispers once she's sure Spencer is out of earshot. You shrug, your worried eyes landing on your husband. His posture is tense, almost defensive.

"Well can you blame him? In Prison, everything that's yours can and will be stolen by the other male inmates. Now that he's free, Spencer is being protective of his wife, someone that is his and can be taken by other men." Rossi says, always naturally a tad protective of Spencer.

"There isn't a man on this planet that would make me leave Spencer." You say defensively, although you know Rossi didn't mean anything by what he said.

"That might be obvious to you, but not to Spencer." JJ says, eyeing Spencer standing back near the coffee machine.

"Doing okay man?" Luke asks hesitantly as he moves to stand next to Spencer.

"Yep." Spencer says shortly, waiting for the pot to brew. Luke feels the tension rolling off Spencer in waves, and it's all being directed at him and he's not sure why.

"Look, if I've done something to upset you, just talk to me about it Reid." Luke's voice is gentle, understanding. Spencer's jaw clenches again as the pot finishes brewing and he refreshes your cup before reaching for the creamer.

"I'm fine Alvez. Really." Spencer says again, but Luke isn't willing to let this go yet.

"No Reid, you're not-"

"Stop flirting with my wife." Spencer's tone is firm, and the look in his eyes tells Luke just how on edge Spencer is.

"You got it." Luke agrees instantly, even though he was never flirting with you. But he knows that right now arguing with Spencer will only make things worse. Seemingly satisfied with Luke's answer, Spencer carries your cup back you, slinging an arm around you.

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Spencer twists his wedding ring around his ring finger, something he does when he's stressed out or tense. You're currently sat in the interrogation room with the male suspect, a tattoo artist attending AA meetings, the tattoo on the first victim was the shakiest because he had just quit drinking. The other, more recent, victims tattoo's were more steady. The longer he stayed sober, the more his trembling faded. In Spencer's other palm is your wedding ring, you fit the physical preference of this killer perfectly, but he only went after single women. Emily thought sending somebody in fitting his victimology would throw him off enough to say something incriminating. In order for the rouse to work, you needed to appear single- meaning the wedding ring had to come off. The thought didn't settle well in Spencer's gut.

"You have to relax." JJ said suddenly from Spencer's right. He nearly ignored her but his frayed nerves were beginning to eat at him.

"I can't. Do you see the way he's looking at her?" Spencer was pacing back and forth in front of the one way glass like a caged animal, unable to take his eyes off of the train wreck happening in front of him.

"She can handle herself Spence." JJ insists gently, almost using a motherly tone to talk to him.

"She's mine!" And suddenly the crux of the issue comes to light, and Spencer pinches the bridge of his nose, releasing a heavy breath. JJ thinks about her words carefully, trying to find something to say that will calm him at least a little.

"Yeah, and nothing is going to change that Spencer. You need to relax, and you have to trust her. You're not in Prison anymore, nobody is going to take her from you." JJ says, looking him in the eyes. Suddenly the sound of metal screeching across a concrete floor sounds from behind Spencer and when he turns around, his blood boils hot in his veins. The suspect, Alan Baker, has shoved out of his chair and has started towards you.

"Spencer-" JJ's voice is distant, and comes too late. Spencer isn't listening to her anymore when his fist curls around the door handle and he nearly rips it off its hinges.

"You need to step back." Spencer snaps, reaching for his gun as Alan Baker backs you into the corner of the interrogation room. You weren't ever truly afraid, you could have handled Alan. Slowly, Alan backs away from you and Spencer instantly reaches for you. He leads you out of the room with a gentle but firm hand on your back. Once you're out of the interrogation room you turn to Spencer.

"What the hell? I could have dealt with him!" You insist, frustration laced in your tone. At this point JJ silently slips out of the room, giving you and Spencer some much needed privacy. Spencer crosses his arms as he leans back against the one way mirror.

"You didn't need to, I did." Spencer huffs and you seriously resist the urge to throw something at him.

"What is your problem today? You could have compromised my entire interrogation, he's never going to tell me anything now!" You snap, anger pinching at your features.

"Good! Now you have no reason to talk to him again." Spencer snaps back, can't you see that he's just protecting what's his?

"Spencer we're trying to save somebody! You're being selfish!" You say to him angrily, trying your best not to start yelling at him. Spencer's selfish possessiveness over you could have just ruined your entire investigation.

"This is why the Bureau was hesitant to reinstate you. They were scared you wouldn't be able to control yourself." You snap at him, crossing your arms.

"Are you saying they made a mistake?" Spencer asks incrediously, suddenly becoming defensive.

"Maybe they did. Because you're acting like an asshole right now. You've been a jerk to Luke the entire day when he busted his ass to help get you out of Prison and back to me! Since when have you not trusted me during an interrogation? What did you think was going to happen? That I was going to let him touch me? I thought you trusted me." You cry out, tears filling your eyes now. Spencer didn't say anything as you turned for the door, anger still laced in his features.

"This has nothing to do with me not trusting you-"

"If you don't trust me, then maybe you should just hold onto my wedding ring for a while. I don't want it." You snap quietly, and you regret the words the second they leave your lips. No matter how mad he makes you, you'd never leave Spencer. You watch Spencer's expression shift from anger to...hurt. He watches silently as you slam the door behind you. Prison has turned him into somebody he isn't, and Spencer doesn't know how to turn off this part of his brain. The part telling him that you belong to him, and that he needs to protect what's his.

Rossi catches the sight of your tear stained cheeks as you move back towards the kitchen in the precinct. You wipe your tears as he comes to stand beside you, and the look on his face tells you that he overheard your fight with Spencer. Rossi bumps you with his elbow gently, a small smile on his face.

"You don't look okay." He says softly and you let out a self-depreciating laugh.

"I'm not. I don't know how to help Spencer, he doesn't trust me." You say sadly, your heart breaking in your chest.

"It's not you he doesn't trust, it's other men." Rossi clarifies, although it does little to ease the pain. You reach up to brush your hair behind your ear when Rossi catches your hand, examining your ring finger.

"Where's your wedding ring?"

"Told Spencer I didn't want it." The words are laced with heavy regret, and when you remember the look on his face when you said it you almost start to cry again. Rossi wraps an arm around you, and you lean your head on his shoulder.

"Deep down, he knows you didn't mean it." He tries to reassure you.

"That's the problem, he probably thinks I meant it."

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Normally it only takes you and Spencer a few hours to smooth things over after a fight. But this time, it's been nearly 3 hours and you haven't spoken a word to each other. You're both working on searching through Alan Baker's financial records without speaking at all. Neither of you have said anything, and Spencer still has your wedding ring. You desperately want it back, but you don't know how to start that conversation. You're angry about how he's been treating everybody, and you feel like asking for your ring is accepting defeat. You're not ready to accept defeat. When Emily comes into the room, her eyes settle on the two of you.

"Okay, what's going on with you guys?" Her arms are crossed.

"Nothing." The word comes from both yours and Spencer's mouths at the same time, and you say it far too quickly. Emily raises one brow at the two of you before closing the door behind her.

"Alright I'm going to have to be a boss now. We are not going to lock this guy away if the two of you are fighting. We need everybody on their A-game. Fix it. Now, and I mean right now." She says, leaving the room but closing the door behind her. There's a suffocating silence that fills the room, both you and Spencer too stubborn to speak first. But you can't take it, you hate it when he's mad at you. You hate it when you guys fight, which isn't often but it does happen occasionally.

"I didn't mean it." You whisper, leaning on the table, facing away from him. Spencer doesn't say anything but you know he's listening.

"I didn't mean it Spencer, I want my ring." He'd be lying if he said he wasn't relieved to hear you say that, his entire world crashed down around him the second you told him to keep the ring. The irrational part of his brain told him you were going to divorce him.

"Can I please have it back?" You ask, barely turning your head to look at him. With a huff Spencer pushes away from the table to move in front of you. His eyes are focused on your hand, he has yet to look at you. Spencer fishes around in his pocket before he finds your ring and gently slides it onto your ring finger.

"You have to stop glaring at any man that gets to close to me, especially Luke." You tell him, but he continues to look away from you. Spencer pushes past you to stand near the windows, his back facing you. The thing about Spencer is that he's stubborn, really stubborn. You take a few steps towards him, nibbling on your lower lip.

"I love you Spencer, I'm sorry. I was an ass, but you acted like an ass too." You tell him, but Spencer only turns his head further away from you. You move to stand in front of him, but his eyes turn to the ground and his arms are crossed tightly. Seriously?

"Please talk to me Spencer, tell me what's going on." You can see the frustration laced in his features, there's something on the tip of his tongue that he needs to say.

"Spencer."

"After you left from your visit, do you know why I didn't let you come back?" Spencer snaps, his hands finding your shoulders to yank your body against his. Your chest collides with his and suddenly you feel a dampness building between your legs. You instantly turn to putty in his hands.

"I didn't let you come back because that asshole told everybody about you. Told everybody what a tight little body you have. Soon the entire cell block was fantasizing about my 'sexy wife'. Do you have any idea what it's like to listen to men constantly talk about fucking your wife?" Spencer's voice is tense, but you can see it. The lust building behind his eyes, the frustration, and the fear of losing you simmering underneath it all.

"N-No." Your voice is breathy, and your eyes are lidded as Spencer's hands slide up your arms to your shoulders.

"It's fucking hell Y/N. Every time I see any man look at you I want to rip his eyes out, and I can't turn it off. I've tried, and the way that Alvez looks at you- it drives me fucking crazy." Spencer snaps, the anger building by the second. Your entire body begins to hum with an intense need, and Spencer can see it in your eyes. Spencer releases you then and he turns for the door, at first you're afraid he's going to leave but instead he locks the door. Luckily it's late, so the police station is more deserted then it is during the day. Turning back to you, Spencer reaches for the blinds next and you can't help but follow his every movement with your eyes.

"Get on your knees." Spencer says suddenly, and you freeze in shock. Did he just say...?

"Get. On. Your. Knees." Spencer says again through clenched teeth, leaning back against the table, heat simmering in his eyes. His hands grip the edge of the table and you feel a throb from between your legs. Quickly you scramble onto your knees in front of him, your hands reaching up to undo his belt. Once the belt is unfastened, you're quickly unbuttoning his dress slacks, your eagerness making your hands a bit clumsy. Spencer has never been this dominant during sex, but you have no complaints. He has your knees weak and he hasn't even touched you. You quickly dip your hand into his boxers to pull his hardening cock out. As soon as his cock is freed, your lips are wrapping around the head. Spencer's head tosses back in ecstasy.

"Your lips look so pretty stretched around my cock. Those bastards could only imagine having you on your knees for them." Spencer snaps, his hand weaving into the hair at the back of your head. You moan softly around him at his crude words, slowly sliding down his cock. Spencer groans when he feels your tongue laving the underside of his cock, along the vein that runs from base to tip. Apparently feeling impatient, Spencer pushes your head further down his cock. He feels his tip right at the entrance of your throat, and with one gentle thrust he breaches your throat and his cock slides all the way into your mouth.

"Fuck," Spencer hisses, and Spencer does not curse often. So the fact that you have been able to draw curses from his mouth is nothing short of a miracle. Spencer's chest heaves slightly as you gag lightly around him, drawing another deep groan from his chest. You feel nearly desperate to please him, you need to make him cum. You want him to fucking pound you, you want him to use your body for his pleasure. You want him to release all of his frustration out on you, you want to be sore when he's done.

"You're mine. This is my body to touch and admire, my tight pussy to stretch open, mine." Spencer growls, thrusting gently to meet your hasty movements. You whimper around his cock, gagging slightly again as spit dribbles down your chin. Your eyes are wide and watery as you look up at him, and the sight of you nearly causes him to blow his load. You just look so fucking beautiful on your knees in front of him, drool on your chin and your mouth full of cock. It's a sight he will never forget. You move your head faster, keeping your eyes locked on his. Spencer squeezes the edge of the table, his head tossing back when his orgasm hits him. You feel his cum shooting in spurts to the back of your throat and you swallow every drop. Once you pull off him, Spencer is grabbing your elbows to pull you to stand.

Spencer's hands are reaching for the button of your dress slacks as his mouth presses messily to yours. Spencer's tongue pushes into your mouth, his hands pushing your pants down and you kick them off. Instantly, Spencer's fingers are sliding into your panties and through your slick folds. You whine loudly against his mouth, your eyes fluttering shut as his palm roughly cradles the back of your head.

"Need to make sure you know who you belong to." Spencer snaps as he pulls away from you, quickly pushing two long fingers into your dripping hole. You cry out before Spencer is slapping a hand over your mouth, your back pressed against the wall. Spencer's slender frame is leaning against you, effectively trapping you against the wall and his body. Your eyes are rolling when Spencer's finger crook inside of you while roughly thrusting into you.

"Gotta be quiet, wouldn't want Luke to catch us now would we?" Spencer breathes in the shell of your ear, sending goosebumps spreading over your skin. You are completely at Spencer's mercy and you wouldn't have it any other way. The pleasure shooting through you goes rocketing up your spine when Spencer scissors his fingers inside of you. You're mumbling incoherently against his palm, desperate pleas not to stop, to please let you cum. Your entire body is flushed, and you feel sweat on your skin like a sheen layer over you. Spencer feels you begin to squeeze around his fingers and he replaces his palm with his mouth, swallowing all of your moans and desperate cries.

Your back is arching as your high approaches, and you climb higher and higher to meet it. Spencer never lets up, his fingers steadily pumping into you and his lips muffling all of your cries of pleasure. The sounds you make are music to his ears, they tell him that you will always be his, no matter what childish fears he has. Your hands come up to unbutton the buttons on Spencer's dress shirt, you need to feel more of him. Before you can finish undressing your husband, his fingers nudge your cervix and you instantly clamp around his fingers, your body convulsing.

"You look so beautiful when you cum." Spencer praises, his cock rock hard again. He needs to be inside of you as soon as humanely possible. Spencer pulls away from you to grasp the base of his cock, no need to bother with protection. The two of you already agreed that you want to try for a baby anyway.

"Please baby, please get inside me. How could you think I'd ever leave you? I love you, and nobody could make me cum like you can." You moan desperately, turning to bend over the table. Spencer's hand runs up your spine, enjoying the way you wriggle your hips in search of his cock. There are butterflies squirming in your stomach as you spread your legs apart wider for him, but he still doesn't bring his cock closer to you.

"Oh c'mon Spence don't do this please. Baby, fuck me." You plead, nearly sobbing as you shamlessly beg. He presses his tip against your soaked entrance and you whine. You hear fabric rustling around and you turn your head just in time to see him pull his tie from around his neck.

"I needed to hear you beg for me, and this is to keep you quiet. As much as I love the sounds you make when I'm inside you, I can't let anyone else hear you." Spencer says, his voice low and rumbling from his chest. You open your mouth to let him tie the silk fabric in your mouth. You try to whimper but you gag around the tie in your mouth, and you see a pleased smile cross onto Spencer's face. Your fingers grasp at the edge of the table as you impatiently wait for Spencer to push into you. You feel his glorious cock nestled at your entrance, the tip barely nudging in. You feel another wave of slick gush out of you and Spencer is running his tip through your already drenched folds. Such a tease.

You whine softly, trying to push back against him. Spencer chuckles darkly before his hands grasp your hips to hold you steady. With one firm thrust, Spencer is breaching your folds and sliding deep inside you. You feel heat searing through you, your head dropping to the table as you whimper through the burn. The stretch burns more then you anticipated, and you hear Spencer groaning softly, which sends another wave of liquid heat rushing through you.

"God you feel so good baby, you take my cock so fucking well." Spencer praises, gently pulling out to slowly thrust back in. His eyes are locked on the place where you two connect, watching with hooded eyes as his cock disappears inside you.

"I wish you could see this baby, I love watching you take my cock." He praises through a soft moan, and you drink up every sound he makes. Spencer needed this so bad and you love the fact that you can give him a type of relief nobody else on the planet can give him. Spencer steadily thrusts into you when you both hear footsteps slowly passing outside the room. You expect Spencer to stop, to pull out of you and start redressing but he doesn't. He slows his pace considerably, but he still slowly thrusts into you.

"Shh, I would hate for whoever that is to see my cock buried in your pretty pussy." Spencer whispers as he leans forward to whisper in your ear. You struggle to contain the whimpers, but somehow you remain completely silent as Spencer gently thrusts into you. Once whoever it is passes by, Spencer resumes his quicker thrusts. His pelvis hits your ass with enough force to send you lurching across the table and your fingers scramble to find purchase against the smooth surface.

"This is my pussy, you're my wife, you're mine. Not Luke's, not that dick from the Prison. Mine." Spencer says, punctuating the words with a sharp thrust into you. You wished you could answer him, that you could cry to the heavens that you belong to Spencer Reid- that you never want to belong to anybody else. You settle for squeezing his cock whenever it returns to your velvety warmth, chanting the same word in your head over and over.

Yours yours yours yours yours.

Your forehead presses against the table, muffled and strangled cries escaping your lips every time Spencer hits deep inside you. His cock stretches you perfectly, and always hits places deep inside you. Places you didn't know existed. Soon you feel your orgasm creeping up on you, and you feel lightheaded so you reach up to yank the tie away from your mouth.

"Please make me cum Spence, I'm so close baby please don't stop." You beg, muffling your moans with your palm as he drives his cock into you. You feel sweat covering your entire body and Spencer holds your hips with a bruising force. You feel that coil winding tighter and tighter, and you release a high pitched whine when Spencer's hand snakes around your body to thumb your clit.

"Oh Spencer your cock feels so good, soo good baby. Always feels so good, fuck baby I love you," You're not sure what you're saying at this point, an incoherent mess of praises for the man above you. Spencer loves when he reduces you to this, speaking in a jumble of words and disconnected statements because you can't think with his cock inside you.

"I, shit, I love you-" Spencer gasps, slamming his cock inside you and rolling your clit before you're squeezing around him tightly, your mouth falling open in a silent scream. You cum in hot gushes around him and Spencer can only offer a few more stuttering thrusts before he's cumming with a loud growl, coating your walls in his hot cum. Spencer keeps his cock inside you, ensuring his cum stays inside you. He wants to get you pregnant. His palms gently hold your hips, and all the frustration he's felt all day has completely disappeared. His chest is heaving from the exertion but he feels more relaxed then he has all day. There's a smile on your face and your eyes are closed as your legs finally give out and you collapse against the table.

"You okay?" You hear Spencer's voice, and you can't help but smile when you hear that he's panting slightly. You hum with a smile on your face.

"I'm amazing." You mumble back, feeling Spencer begin to gently massage your back. You love enjoying the afterglow with him, even if you're laying on a table. Slowly Spencer pulls out, but he groans softly when he sees his cum inside your pussy. He reaches to the floor to pull your panties and dress slacks back up your legs and he quickly tucks himself back into his pants. He buttons the 4 buttons you managed to open on his shirt before he's gently pulling you to stand.

"You sure you're alright?" Spencer asks, concern in his eyes. You nod with a smile, but when he releases his hold on your shoulders, you feel your legs tremble and give out underneath you. Spencer immediately catches you and sets you down on the table. You laugh softly.

"Guess you fucked me good."

"Sorry." Spencer says sheepishly, but you press a chaste kiss to his lips.

"Don't be, that had to have been the best sex we've had in a long time." You mumble against his lips and Spencer hums in agreement. Reaching for his tie, Spencer shoves it in his pocket before he pokes his head out of the room you guys just defiled.

"Spencer, I'm so sorry about what I said. I love you so much, I didn't mean what I said about my ring-" You blubber suddenly, drawing Spencer's attention to you. He cradles your head against his chest, pressing kisses to your forehead.

"I know baby, it's okay. I love you." Spencer answers quietly, holding you to him tightly.

"I'm sorry I was a jerk today. I'm just so protective of you. I can't let anything steal you from me." Spencer admits softly and you cup his cheeks to make him look at you. There is a sadness in his eyes that you want to obliterate, you can't stand it when he's sad. It breaks your heart.

"Nothing could steal me from you. I only want you Spencer." You say quietly and you see tears misting his eyes. He presses his lips desperately against yours, and you feel tears cascading down yours and his cheeks. The kiss is wet, but it's passionate and you throw every ounce of love you have for this man into it. When you and Spencer part, your foreheads are pressed together.

"Hey Spence? How am I gonna get to the hotel. I can't walk." You say softly with a giggle and Spencer smiles mischievously.

"I guess I'll have to carry you." He scoops you bridal style into his arms then and you blush deeply when he carries you out of the room and towards the front entrance.

"Spencer! Everybody is going to know!" You whisper into his ear and he chuckles.

"Good."

#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer x y/n #spencer x you #post prison spencer #jealousy #possessive #criminal minds #smut #spencer reid x you #spencer x reader #jealous smut

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breezybreez21 · 2 years

Text

Hiya everyone! This is a short but sweet Joseph Quinn fic!

Summary: Joseph and you have been dating for a little over a year now, After a movie night he finds you inbed giggling over your phone and is dying to know what's got you all excited.

An: it's not greatly written and definitely has errors in it. I did NOT proof read so take it as it is! Again thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy 💕

----------------------------

You have these because?

It had been a quiet Friday evening, you and Joseph had done absolutely nothing but be lazy and cuddle up on the couch watching movies all day. Snacking on any and all snacks that filled your pantry.

" Hey love have you seen my glasses anywhere " you ask while stretching, you hadn't realized how long you'd sat cuddle up next to Joseph. Your body was so stiff and achy.

" urmm I believe you left them on the bed stand " Joseph says, while cleaning up the kitchen. You walk up behind him wrapping your arms around his torso.

" Thank you hun " you say

With a smile and a small peck to his lips you leave the kitchen, entering your bedroom you flop onto the mattress. You open your phone while shoving your glasses , that we're in fact on the bed side table onto your face , smiling a big smile as you swipe through the pictures you had just received.

Joseph enters the room not much longer after you do, he watches you closely with a teethy smile plastered on his face.

" What on God's earth gots you all giddy over there love?" Joe asks, you look up from your phone smiling at him.

" umm nothing " you lie

" Nothing hmm " he questions, eye brows raised " So you wouldn't mind if I steal your phone from you" he jokes

" No, you wouldn't " you reply back

" oh but I would " he says jumping onto the bed reaching for your phone, you hold it tight to your chest. Joe pushes his hands to your sides tickling you.

" AHAH..JOE.....AHH.."you scream out in laughter " OKAY...OKAY...OKAY, I'll show you "You say in between breaths. Joe releases you from his grip , smiling wide. He sits up next to you, his back resting against the headboard.

" So " he says wiggling his eye brows

" Ugh okay " you say handing him your phone , he takes it willingly reading the screen.

A email from Joe's management to you

To y/n

Hey sweets! Heres a couple of the photos of Joseph from his latest photoshoot that you asked for. I'll send you the other ones when they are done. Lots of love!!!

- Amy

" Wait so you " he starts to say while scratching his neck " You had Amy send you these? " he asks

" Well actually, I have her send me all your photo shoot pictures " you say nervously, grabbing the phone from his hands you go to your gallery clicking on your most favorite album.

" And you have every photoshoot in here " he says scrolling through the pictures.

" Well " you shake you head " Not all of them, only the ones that you've done since we've been together " you say resting your chin on his shoulder lightly drawing circles on his back.

" You do this because "

" Because " you start to say " because you're absolutely breathtaking, because Im kinda selfish and want them only to myself " you giggle " Because I'm so proud of you and what you've accomplished " you say, looking at Joe." Because I love you " you confess. Joe turns to you, his beautiful brown eyes glossy with tears as his lips curve into a huge teethy smile.

" Sweets, I love you so damn much" he replies cupping your face, meeting your lips in a passionate kiss. After you place your forehead on his, eyes still closed." So damn much " he repeats this time in a whisperer, causing you to giggle while you bring your thumb up to his cheek,eyes now open as you wipe away the tears that fell.

Joe has always been the emotional type, he wasn't afraid to show his emotions at all even if that ment crying a time or two.That's one of the many reason you fell for him. To you there wasn't anything more attractive than a man who is open about his feelings.

" You know if you'd like I can have Amy said you all my previous photoshoots " Joe says as you pull away , your face lights up.

" Really?" You beam, smile plastered on your face. Joseph nods as he pulls his phone out, you watch him as he sends Amy an email. Soon enough your phone goes off, when opening your greated with many photos of Joseph. Slouching back down onto the mattress you giggle as you swipe through every picture you've received.

" what? " you ask, feeling his eyes burning into you , he shrugs

" Nothing, I just....I can't believe you're mine. What did I do so right that made me deserve you? " he questions. You sit there staring at your boyfriend with googly eyes, a crimson shade red blush creeping on your cheeks.

" Awwe baby!" you say pecking his lips. " Now can you please ignore me while I scream and kick my feet like a little school girl to these photos" you giggle, Joseph nods placing a kiss on your forehead. Stopping at the bedroom door he turns and looks at you, watching you scroll through the pictures of him as you do exactly what you said.

Screaming and kicking your feet.

God he was so lucky!

#joseph quinn #joe quinn #joseph imagine #joseph x reader #stranger things

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leqclerc · 2 years

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how is your workfow when you're making an edit? (the thought process behind it, etc!)

Oh, this is such an interesting question! 👀

Honestly, it depends. The 'simple' gifs are just clips I've seen around that I thought were kind of interesting and worth giffing. It's so funny, because it's always the stuff you giffed randomly, the silly stuff, that ends up exploding and getting like 700-1k notes completely unexpectedly 🙈 Case in point: my top two gifsets on this blog are literally Charles complaining about being called French and Charles struggling with a pen in Bahrain ajsdjedjf

Then for the more complex edits... Not gonna lie, I draw a lot of inspiration from bigger fandoms, usually media-focused (TV show, film fandoms.) They obviously have an advantage over us with the quality and quantity of footage available to them, which lets them do really crazy, insanely creative things. So sometimes I'll pick up on trends that are popular across other fandoms - the colours, the typography, the blending - and try to bring that over to F1blr. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but it definitely pushes me to challenge myself and try things that I wouldn't normally do.

Other times it's just a quote or song lyric I saw somewhere that I figured would be cool to use. Then I try to use clips that convey the emotion/message behind that quote or lyric. This is still one of my favourite gifsets that I've made.

Oh, also, I find it helps to find some kind of focal point or "anchor" of sorts for a gifset. For example, I've watched probably hundreds of hours of F1 footage at this point, so I really like picking up on parallels across those clips and recurring themes and things like that. It helps you to focus on something specific - say, Seb interrupting Charles's interviews and Charles saying hello mate to him, or every time they reference a conversation they've had in private or something - and then you just need to find clips that meet that criteria. I'm kind of meh on DTS and the way the editing is kind of disingenuous and designed to create ~drama that seems believable if you weren't there to actually watch the season, BUT for us humble gifmakers on F1blr it can be a good source of footage and/or gifset ideas. Again, I find it helps to focus in on some aspect that will tie the gifset together and then build from there. For example, I made one gifset that showcases all of Seb and Charles's DTS appearances (together) and used a layout to make it look a bit more fun and visually interesting. I also like this one, playing on a similar concept.

And sometimes...I just like having a bit of fun asjdjf Even things like ao3 tags or TV Tropes or Tumblr tags or Tweets or whatever can be used for a more ~lighthearted/funny gifset.

I keep a list of potential gifset ideas on the notes app on my phone as well. Not all of my ideas are documented on there, but sometimes I just jot something down when I get a lightbulb moment of "oh, that could be a cool idea!" before I forget.

As for the actual creation process, it helps to know where your footage is/have some kind of organisation system. I definitely have a few go-to clips that I know are applicable in most gifsets, I know exactly where they are on my computer, I know I can colour them/tweak them relatively easily, etc. There's definitely a lot of trial and error involved ajsdj Sometimes you think a certain clip will work really, really well with your idea and then you just can't get it to work the way you imagined at all. I've had moments where I just DNF on a gifset because I get so frustrated that it's not working out the way I imagined. Sometimes I'll step back from a project, go back to it later with a different idea/angle and then find something that works for me even if it's not exactly like I'd imagined in the beginning.

#replies #anonymous #i'm SO sorry this got away from me 🙈🙈🙈#do not give me attention because i *will* go off the rails and write you an essay ajsdjf #anyway yeah i hope that's... kind of what you were asking about at least 🙈🙈#it's super interesting to Have all these thoughts somewhere in the back of your head and then someone actually asks you about it #and it just opens up the flood gates for a whole essay ajsdjf #anyway thank you so so much for asking <3 super interesting question i had so much fun answering ❤️❤️#.longpost

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sagefzy · 3 years

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PART FOUR: POPCORN AND GREEN TEA

perfectionism | prev | next

You tapped your foot on the pavement, anxious to finally meet the eyes of your old friend. The feeling of excitement was almost overwhelming all your senses, the only thing you could focus on was the plain, faded brown door in front of you. Quickly, you sent Suna a text to let him know of your arrival, however in the corner of your eye, you suddenly noticed two figures approaching. You shrugged it off, thinking that it was just two guys passing by on a walk, but rather than walking past the house, they stepped up the driveway slowly drawing near you.

Hearing Ennoshita's words in your mind about being aware of your surroundings, you discreetly glanced back observing the two. But, much to your surprise, it was the exact two guys who bombarded you at the supermarket yesterday. Well, actually, more like the one blond who smashed a shopping cart into your heel, blubbering apologies and looking away, while the other one stood there and watched the whole incident play out.

You watched them for what seemed like forever. Could they possibly be Suna's friends? No, the whole thing seemed too coincidental, surely that couldn't be the case. Not willing to take the chance, you took out your phone once more in hopes to get Suna to clarify that those were, indeed, not his friends. Unfortunately for you, it appeared that the universe had decided to make you a pawn in its game because the two of them were, indeed, his friends.

You let out a heavy sigh, you could already tell that the next few hours would be nothing but awkward stares and embarrassing conversations. Not wanting to ruin your one day of freedom- the one day where you didn't have to listen to your dad's constant yells, telling you how much of a disappointment you are- the one day where you didn't have to sit in front of the piano all day just to feel some sort of gratification. It was then that you decided to just ignore the situation, and pretend as if the blond wasn't the reason that the back of your foot was wrapped in a bandage. For all Suna knew, this was you guys' first encounter, so be it.

Right as the door opened, your eyes were drawn to the tall green-eyed boy who you used to spend every day with as a young kid. "Y/N, so glad you're here!" Suna smiled, as he went in for a quick hug. "Those two behind you are Atsumu and Osamu." He introduced, pointing to the two that were now directly behind you. The blond looked absolutely horrified, stealing brief glimpses at the bandage that hugged your heel, the other one, however, stared back with a nonchalant smile. "They may have almost the same face, but the one with the ugly piss-colored hair is Atsumu, and the normal looking one is Osamu."

You grinned back at the two, showcasing your brightest smile, hoping that they'd get the message to not bring up the fact that this was not your first encounter. You were going to introduce yourself to the two, but the blond seemed to beat you to cut. "How come Samu is the normal one?" He whined.

Suna snickered, "Because Osamu doesn't act like a dramatic brat who needs his hand held every damn second of the day."

Suna's blunt words made you softly chuckle, there was something in friendly banter that just made it so pure and innocent. You looked up at the two, noticing that the blond's expression had softened after hearing your giggles. With the brief moment of silence at hand, you decided to take this as the moment to introduce yourself. "I'm Y/N, it's nice to meet you Atsumu and Osamu."

"Well now that we got introductions out of the way, why don't we go inside and find something to do," Suna suggested.

"Rinny, can we watch a movie?" You asked excitedly. The last time you had watched a movie was when you hung out with Nishinoya, Tanaka, and Ennoshita before leaving Miyagi, and your dad hardly ever let you engage in anything other than school work or piano, making it a rare treasure.

Suna nodded, "Watching a movie it is."

As all of you entered the house, you couldn't help but hear the blond, Atsumu mutter to his brother, "If I called 'm Rinny I think he'd punch me on the spot."

A smile quickly reappeared on your face as you heard his brother respond, "I don't know, I'll give ya one thousand yen to put it to the test."

"No, I think I'll choose life," He giggled.

You found your way to the couch and swiftly pulled out your phone, eager to let your friends know your current situation. The whole scene sounded like something straight out of a book.

You clicked your phone off and turned your attention to the aroma that seemed to be emerging from the kitchen. The familiar scent, caramel popcorn and green tea, jogged an almost forgotten memory of your childhood. An unlikely duo, yet even as a child you couldn't get enough of the weird combination. No one would've ever thought to put the two together, but it just worked.

You almost laughed at the sight. Suna walked out of the kitchen juggling three bowls of caramel popcorn, three bottles of energy drinks, and, of course, your mug of green tea. Since he had such little grace, you got up and lent a helping hand. "No, no you're my guest and you're injured go sit back down," Suna scolded.

"Well it's too late, I'm already here, so I'll just take some of that off your hand," You said while grabbing the mug of tea and the three energy drinks. You walked over to the twins and handed them each their bottle.

"Say what happened to yer foot over there?" Osamu asked with a smirk on his face.

"Oh yeah you never told me what you did to your foot, Y/N," Suna added as he placed the remaining bowls on the side table.

"It's not a big deal I just scraped myself with glass while unpacking," You blurted. You hoped that the lie was convincing enough, but to be honest, scraping yourself with glass sounded way more believable than being run over with a shopping cart.

"I see, sorry to hear that," Osamu responded in an almost surprise-like manner. You thought that maybe he expected you to call out his brother, however you decided to stick with your initial decision of ignoring the situation to save your night from awkwardness. His expression only got more surprised as he realized the unusual food combination you were eating. For only eating caramel popcorn with green tea, he looked as if you were committing a crime against food.

"Green tea with caramel popcorn?" He asked.

With no shame you nodded your head. "Don't knock it until you try it, it's my favorite combo in the world. I can never get enough of it."

Suna sighed, "Yeah, it's no use to convince her otherwise it's been more than a solid seven years since i last saw her and she still likes it."

The night ended almost as quickly as it started. Although you were initially worried about it being awkward, your worries were soon rested once Osamu started explaining his love of cooking. You both talked endlessly about all sorts of sweets and savory foods you both enjoyed indulging in. However, his twin, on the other hand, barely talked as he aimlessly played around with his phone.

Your eyes noticed the time on the nearby clock, the numbers displaying that it was near midnight. Your stomach instantly knotted, if your dad wasn't asleep, you for sure were going to get an ear full when you arrived home. You picked up your phone, and smiled at Suna and Osamu who's chest softly rose up and down as they slept.

You stood up quietly, getting Atsumu's attention. You didn't expect him to do or say anything since he'd been quite dull the entire night, but it seemed like this was a night of surprises. "Yer not planning to go all the way to the bus stop by yerself now are ya?" He asked.

"Well I'm not waking either of them so they can escort me if that's what you're asking," you responded "But, you're more than welcome to join me if it'll put your mind at ease." You fully expected him to not care, however he grabbed his jacket next to him and stood up, walking over to where you stood by the front door.

He quietly opened the door, careful to not make a creaking noise. "After you," He said as he directed you out of the house. The crisp winter air hit your face, your whole body jolted from the sudden change of temperatures. "Don't suppose yer cold now?" He asked, probably noticing your shivering. You replied by shaking your head and continued on the trail to the bus stop.

The rest of the walk was mostly silent, neither one of you knowing what to say. This was definitely uncharacteristically of Atsumu, anyone who'd even slightly know him would expect him to be chatting your ear off with overdramatized commentary. However, things seemed to be different in this situation, there was an eerie feeling about you that he couldn't quite put his finger on. Of course, it didn't help that your first encounter with him was him, in fact, running a shopping cart into you, but it wasn't just that. Maybe it was the way you presented yourself, in an almost sickening sweet-like manner. It all felt artificial, like a facade.

"Well this is it," you said, snapping him out of his thoughts, "Just in time for the last bus, thanks for walking with me." You turned around to enter the vehicle but before you could, a hand made its way to your arm. You immediately flinched at the contact, pulling away at the light hold he had on you.

"I'm sorry I just- i um," He started, trying to find a way to word what he wanted to say. "I wanted to say that 'm sorry for yesterday, it was kind of a shitty thing to do, and 'm also sorry for not really talking all that much today, ya seem really nice and I'm usually not this bad when it comes to meeting new people. And, I totally ruined the night by ignoring you I-"

You lightly laughed, "It's alright, plus any friend of Rin's, is a friend of mine, and you didn't ruin tonight at all, I thought it was perfect." You both smiled back at each other, not saying anything for a moment. You cleared your throat, "Um, I'll see you around, have a good night, Atsumu."

He watched as you entered the bus. A small smile made it on his face as he watched you wave goodbye from the bus window. He waved back and muttered under his breath, "Good night, Y/N."

The bus ride was only about ten minutes. Anxiously, you opened the door to your house, hoping that by some miracle your dad would be sound asleep. The old door slightly creaked, you peaked inside and all your worries flushed away as you saw your dad passed out on the couch. Granted he was passed out drunk, at least that's what you gathered by the four bottles of empty beer that laid at his feet.

Even for you, life wasn't as perfect as it seemed. As much as you wanted it to be, as much as you led people on to think that it was, it just wasn't. The worst part of it was that deep down, you felt accountable for it all. Maybe if you would've been just a little better at piano, you could've achieved your perfect life.

You reached your bedroom and exhaustedly plopped down on your bed. You glanced at the picture of your mother on your bedside table. Her long hair glided down her lavender dress, her face gleaming with a smile. In one hand she held her violin and the other held an award deeming her the best violinist in the nation. She was talented, beautiful, intelligent, and made your dad happy. She was absolutely everything you weren't, and your dad made sure to remind you everyday.

Life before she died was perfect. You could never recall a memory of you being sad around her. Before you closed your eyes, you whispered, "I wish I was perfect like you."

fun facts !

Whenever Atsumu doesn't know how to address a situation, he just goes on his phone and plays angry birds.

If you're ever bored, Osamu will talk forever about all the different ways you can cook the same recipe.

Suna can never stay awake during a movie night, he always falls asleep somehow.

Before getting into volleyball, the twins' mother tried to get them into violin, however that quickly failed once Atsumu broke his bow on the second day of lessons.

perfectionism ©

smau written by @sagefzy

tagist: open just send an ask :)

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sagewritesmore · 3 years

Text

PART FOUR: POPCORN AND GREEN TEA

perfectionism | prev | next

wc: 2108

Suna snickered, "Because Osamu doesn't act like a dramatic brat who needs his hand held every damn second of the day."

"Well now that we got introductions out of the way, why don't we go inside and find something to do," Suna suggested.

Suna nodded, "Watching a movie it is."

As all of you entered the house, you couldn't help but hear the blond, Atsumu mutter to his brother, "If I called 'm Rinny I think he'd punch me on the spot."

A smile quickly reappeared on your face as you heard his brother respond, "I don't know, I'll give ya one thousand yen to put it to the test."

"No, I think I'll choose life," He giggled.

You found your way to the couch and swiftly pulled out your phone, eager to let your friends know your current situation. The whole scene sounded like something straight out of a book.

"Say what happened to yer foot over there?" Osamu asked with a smirk on his face.

"Oh yeah you never told me what you did to your foot, Y/N," Suna added as he placed the remaining bowls on the side table.

"Green tea with caramel popcorn?" He asked.

With no shame you nodded your head. "Don't knock it until you try it, it's my favorite combo in the world. I can never get enough of it."

Suna sighed, "Yeah, it's no use to convince her otherwise it's been more than a solid seven years since i last saw her and she still likes it."

He watched as you entered the bus. A small smile made it on his face as he watched you wave goodbye from the bus window. He waved back and muttered under his breath, "Good night, Y/N."

Life before she died was perfect. You could never recall a memory of you being sad around her. Before you closed your eyes, you whispered, "I wish I was perfect like you."

fun facts !

Whenever Atsumu doesn't know how to address a situation, he just goes on his phone and plays angry birds.

If you're ever bored, Osamu will talk forever about all the different ways you can cook the same recipe.

Suna can never stay awake during a movie night, he always falls asleep somehow.

Before getting into volleyball, the twins' mother tried to get them into violin, however that quickly failed once Atsumu broke his bow on the second day of lessons.

perfectionism ©

smau written by @sagefzy

taglist: open just send an ask :)

@shephard17895 @art-junkie-13 @vhsryuu @qualitygiantshoepsychic @everytimeswift @kritiiiii

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somersetmummy · 3 years

Text

(A/N): This fic takes place immediately following book 1 chapter 11 (after being rescued by Sam from Sofia's closet). Not going to lie, I originally posted this monster fic (7000+ words) on Wattpad as a whole (my first fic, I didn’t know better!) so I’ve taken the opportunity to re-write and condense but thought it read better as two parts.

Series/Pairing: The Nanny Affair (M!Sam Dalton x MC Katie Hide)

Original characters - all property of PB: Katie Hide (MC), Sam Dalton, Mason & Mickey Dalton, Jenny Blake, Robin Flores (Part Two only)

New characters: (Present in Part Two) Serena-Rose Warren, Tessa Finch, Lucinda Hansen

Rating/Content warning: 18+ Light sexual language

Word Count: 1880

Summary: Driving home together, Nanny Katie Hide and her boss Sam Dalton get a little hot and steamy after she receives an offer of a night out with the girls.

Find Part Two here.

Part One -

The companionable silence within the car provides a stark contrast to the chaos of rush hour on the streets outside. Sam leisurely meanders through the traffic seemingly taking care not to rush the journey, enjoying a rare opportunity for the two of them to steal a fleeting moment to themselves. With their fingers laced together resting on his thigh, as his other commands control of the steering wheel, she steals a lingering glance in his direction relishing in the flutters which catch in her stomach as he notices her watching him. His lips curl into a comfortable smile in reply of her unspoken affection and it takes all his might to keep his eyes on the road.

In the footwell below her feet the distant hum of a phone, neglected in her bag, buzzing faintly to itself punctuates the quiet once again, as it has been for the last ten minutes. Tired of being ignored, the buzzing transforms into a piercing ring causing its owner to startle and refocus. Untangling her fingers from Sam's she reaches down to collect it, her frustration at being interrupted quickly forgotten when she sees her friend's name on the home screen.

"Finally!! So you are alive!" Jenny squeals down the phone without restraint. The smirk on Sam's face is unmissable as he recognises the shrill voice on the other end of the phone. Katie returns his glance with an eye roll of her own as she braces herself for an interrogation.

"Ok, ok I get it, I'm here now. What's up?"

"You need to ask that gorgeous boss of yours to give you Friday night off, we're taking you out and I won't take no for an answer! It's about time we had a girls night, we've barely seen you since you've been living it up with that sex god."

Katie winces hoping Sam hadn't heard that last bit, subtlety was never Jenny's strong suit. She knows she doesn't need to consider her answer, just thinking of how much she's missed her friends the last few months sparks a pang of guilt deep in heart. A night free from the drama of fiancés, stolen glances and torturous longing sounds perfect.

"That actually sounds great Jen, I'll try my best to come. Aren't we pushing it to get a spot at any of the good places though if we're leaving it this late..."

Jenny scoffs, feigning disbelief that Katie would think she didn’t already have a master plan. If she wasn’t her best friend she’d feel a little insulted.

"You don't think I'm already all over that?! And I mean literally, I've got Josh on the case for us and I definitely got all over that!"

The smugness in her voice carries her words and Katie can't help but giggle as she pictures how her unabashedly forward friend would've convinced her current flavour of the month Joshua Demarco, to use his connections to get them access to the hottest new bar in town. She'd no doubt that while a few flutters of eyelashes and some kind words would have sufficed, it was more likely that Jen would have insisted on giving him something more in return. And that something would most definitely not have been PG.

As the more outgoing and vocal half of their partnership, Jenny has always had a way of charming everybody she meets, her connection with people is effortless, something which Katie finds both admirable and terrifying.

While some could argue that Katie too could charm and impress people effortlessly, she is undoubtedly more comfortable in the background, observing and understanding how things work before weighing in. She notices the details, picking up on key points of conversation, getting to know people on a personal level and drawing on their connections to help assert herself. Jen needed to be visible at all times, she was like the sun, drawing people in to her warmth and reflecting her own energy back at them in return.

"I'll leave it with you then Jen, just text me with the details and I'll see if I can make it. And I don't mean the steamy details of you and Josh, you can save those to share with me over cocktails!" Sam's intensely brooding gaze falls upon her, no doubt trying to glue together the pieces of conversation he'd just overheard. She turns to him realising he probably already suspects there’s a further story to be told. They’d not yet shared much about their lives beyond the penthouse but he’d heard enough to know that she could be easily influenced by her impulsive friend.

"Jen I'd better go, speak soon."

Returning the phone to the depths of her bag, she catches Sam's eye, his expression warm but curious, clearly waiting for her to elaborate.

"Would you mind if I took the night off on Friday? Jen's asked if I can meet her and some friends, we haven't seen each other for ages...."

Unsure where the feeling comes from, the urge to say more rushes over her like a wave crashing on the shore. It’s the same as the feeling of nervousness she had that night a few weeks ago at the diner, almost like first date nerves. Perhaps, she realises, they’ve resurfaced because her whole life has been tangled with his for the last few months, she's not really sure how to break out of it and step back into her own, or whether he'll let her.

"Obviously I'll make sure I get the boys dinner sorted, the place tidy, laundry done and get them to bed before I head out....and I won't stay out late, I wouldn't want to cause any disruption....unless you've got any pressing work or meetings which means you'll be home late... I can cancel, I know it's short notice..."

"Woah, who are you, Cinderella?!"

The mirth in his tone instantly relaxes her as she realises he's only teasing. While attempting, and failing, to look defiant her nose inevitably crinkles, unable to contain the laughter bubbling to the surface at the silliness of her outburst. He leans over gently resting his hand on her knee to placate her, stroking her delicate skin with his thumb.

"Of course you should go out with your friends."

"Really?"

"Definitely." He continues, "as much as I would love to keep you to myself I know that you have a life of your own to live too and you, more than anyone, deserve to go out and enjoy yourself."

Sweeping his hand into her own, she gracefully brings it to her lips, tickling featherlight kisses along his knuckles.

"Thank you....but I don't know that you'd really want me to let my hair down if you knew how our girls nights usually play out..."

A wicked smile casts on her lips as she looks at him from under her long eyelashes, she continues to caress his hand, her lips teasing his skin with every word. He struggles to keep his eyes on the road, his mind racing with the many possible indiscretions which he imagines could take place on girls night, especially with Jenny at the helm. The visions in his mind entrance him and he can't decide whether he wishes he was part of them, or that she wasn't.

"I see, a bit of an every man for himself situation is it?!"

He pulls her hand over to his lap where he secures it on his thigh under his own. His hope that by keeping his hand on hers he can keep her grounded to him before losing her to the inhibitions of the impending night out.

"Let's just say it'll be a hot mess of short skirts, high heels, cocktails and getting sweaty on the dance floor."

Realising that the car has come to a stop at a red light she turns to Sam looking him straight in the eye as she slides her hand brazenly up his thigh. She can feel his pants straining to contain what's growing within them while his chest visibly rises and falls more rapidly, struggling to control the pulsing hunger running through him.

"But don't worry, we usually only break a few hearts".

Unable to restrain himself any longer, he launches across the centre console, holding her head in his hands and devouring her mouth with his hungry wet lips. She lets herself fall deeply into his kiss, smiling against him as she thinks to herself that she should ask for time off more often.

The light turns to green and then red again, disgruntled drivers behind sounding their horns in annoyance as the immaculate silver Audi blocks their path, but neither occupant notices as they loose themselves in one another.

Her gentle hands press against Sam's muscular chest, marvelling in the ripples beneath her fingers, before sliding them up into his hair pulling him deeper into the kiss. He keeps one hand firmly at the back of her neck, anchoring her to him while the other roams down the curves of her body, his thumb tweaking a now erect nipple before grasping at her hip.

Intruding on their entanglement, the sound of the in-car phone system echoes around the plush detailing of the car, with 'Home' appearing on the display. Breaking apart in surprise, they finally catch a breath. Sam rests his forehead intimately against hers as he gives the voice command to answer the call and Mason's innocent voice pours out of the speakers.

"Hey dad, are you gonna be home soon? We're staaarving." It's impossible for Katie not to break into a smile as she thinks about the boys at home with Carter, no doubt teaching him all sorts of tricks which she'd never let them get away with. Sam notices her thoughtful smile and matches it with his own as their minds work as one imaging the same scene. Their eyes once again meet as they resign themselves to the intimate moment being lost, instead committing it to memory to recall again when the urge to immerse themselves in thoughts of each other inevitably come to call.

"Yeah buddy, I've just picked up Katie and we're heading home now."

The smile in Mason's voice is evident as his tone becomes more upbeat.

"Oh great, Katie's with you?...Hey Katie!"

"We missed you today, why'd you have to spend the day with Suck...I mean with Sofia anyways?!" Mickey interrupts, his fear of missing out pushing him to insert himself in the conversation.

Sam and Katie stifle their giggles at Mickey's slip of the tongue, aware of the microphone above their heads. Sam places a soft kiss on Katie's forehead before pulling away begrudgingly as she in turn adjusts her position, smoothing over her now crumpled skirt.

"Hi boys, I missed you too. I was just helping her with some grown up work stuff, definitely not as fun as a day with you monkeys though.”

Much to the relief of the drivers behind them, Sam's already breezing through the now green light towards the penthouse, this time with more urgency as the sky above begins to melt into dusk.

"How about your dad and I pick up some pizza on our way back...."

Without even a moments hesitation the twins excited voices burst through the speakers once again.

"Score!"

Tag List: @shewillreadyou @txemrn @silma-words @thefrenchiemama @secretaryunpaid @sfb123 @fanjessfic

#sam dalton #sam dalton x mc #tna #the nanny affair #fanfic #choices

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vanchlo · 3 years

Text

The Partner / Chapter Twelve, "The Resolute"

Word Count: 8.4k / Story Masterlist / Read The Assistant / Read on Wattpad / Song: Hold Me While You Wait by Lewis Capaldi (click to listen) / Warning: Sensitive and upsetting topics, such as death, grief, and miscarriage

"I never know when I will miss you. I can't ever predict just what will grip my heart with the reminder that you are gone. It could be anything. Anytime. Anywhere. You are everywhere and nowhere all at once. When the days are bright, I am blinded by your presence and even when the world is dark I still manage to find you. In laughter, I hear the echo of losing you. Your presence is overflowing in the tears that fall. Now that your body is gone, everything holds your being. I miss you in the cold depths of winter and I long for you in the thick summer breeze. You are my first rising thought in the morning and my last notion as I sink into the heaviness of the night. I thought we ran out of moments together, but every moment seems to belong to you. How can you be everywhere when you are nowhere to be seen? I used to worry about facing the world because I didn't know what would trigger my heartache. I used to be afraid of every feeling, every memory, every moment because I didn't know which ones held you. Now I know you are everywhere and I think that I know why. You're everywhere because you're somewhere inside of who I am. I am the bearer of your life and your memory. I am the keeper of your existence. Even though you're gone, I never really have to search for you. I never know where I'll find you but you are always there. I never know when I will miss you and it happens all the time"

- Rachel Whalen

I had lost count of how many times I had fallen back asleep since he had left for another day of work, the second time in the last few days. I’d be telling a lie if I said that I didn’t miss him, because like he’d confessed when he thought I was sleeping, I missed him all of the time too. The difference was that I felt it now when he was gone. I wasn’t sure why I’d bitten his head off that night about going back to work. I did but couldn’t think about it after the way he broke down in front of me and I just stood there. I didn’t do a thing. Instead, I shook my head and pushed him away. God, how could I do that to him? I thought he’d moved on . . . That’s how it went. I’d wake up to an empty, cold bed and the guilt would come in crashing waves. The hot tears would follow and eventually, I’d fall back into another fitful sleep. Nightmares were almost always guaranteed, but for the first time in our relationship, I comforted myself back to sleep. Somehow, they didn’t wake him like before, but last night when he woke with a gasp that melted into tears, I think I knew because he was busy with his own.

At first, I thought I’d been imagining it, or maybe that was just my coping mechanism by now. Denial and pretending. No, it really was and it went around like a circle. Denying the denial. But when the knocking on the door turned into the dinging of the doorbell, I knew that it was real. It didn’t stop after a few times, like the mailman would. No, this person was persistent, and I definitely was not. I couldn’t even find the strength to move to look at the alarm clock to see the time. By then, it had stopped. He’d only been gone an hour now and I missed him deeply, finding it hard to not pick up the phone to ask him to come home. I did but in my own way, and not one he’d understand, despite how he knew every page of my book.

I hope work is going well

Only a few minutes passed before a reply came in with a silent vibration.

thanks it is, just meetings again and an interview

Sounds boring. I know how you hate both. New hire?

possibly. i forgot to tell u gwen left. i hope ur getting some rest

No, you hadn’t but that’s ok. I think I only talked to her like 5 times. I’m trying.

ya she was good, just kept 2 herself. want me 2 pick up anything for lunch? anything soundin good? Starbucks? pizza? u can have whatever u want

You can pick

At that, I heard my phone lock before placing it face down onto the bedside table, not able to continue a conversation about food any longer. Another wave of irrational tears came at missing him and wanting normalcy back, but the fitful sleep didn’t follow. I wasn’t sure if I was regretful or not when I peeled back the covers, shocked by the sudden cold.

The chilling silence filling the house hit me in the face when I stepped out into the hallway. It had been choking at times, mostly at night when things were at their worst. During the day, like now, it was never this quiet. Something on the tv was always playing, and I soon found myself in front of it, watching the end of a Marvel movie Harry and I once watched.

Its sequel was nearing the halfway point by the time the doorbell rang again. It was on its fourth time now and the person still hadn’t stopped. The surprise on their face was just as strong as that of mine when I found myself at the door, in front of Harry’s grandmother.

“Hi, Becky,” she said softly, a warm cadence to her words like always. I may have been biased towards grandmas, but Harry’s checked all of the points and more. I couldn’t help the squeeze of my heart at the mere sight of her, a melancholy smile spreading on her lips.

“Claire. Um, hi. Harry isn’t here right now, he had to go into work this morning,” I rush, unsure of why I’m telling her this, except for I know why. I hadn’t spoken to another human being that wasn’t Harry or my doctor since . . since it had happened. Sure, texts to Skye, my dad, and Robbie. It was the only way to placate them from telling them I didn’t want to see them. Can I blame them, though?

“Oh, that’s okay. I was uh, hoping I could come in,” she suggests. I stand there, taken aback by her request. I had come to love this woman like she was my own grandmother, and yet here I am, not opening the door for her. “Maybe we could wait for him together with some brookies.”

Dropping my eyes, I watch as she lifts a saran wrapped plate of chocolatey looking cookies. I didn’t need to look any longer to know what they were. Her famous brownie cookies that Harry had compared any cookie or brownie of mine to over the years, and I eventually had found out why.

“You know I can’t turn those down,” I mumble, feeling the first hints of a smile. She grins for me instead, following me into the house that somehow feels even emptier when we step inside. Awkwardly, I closed the door behind her, pulling my hands back into the oversized King’s College crewneck of Harry’s I’d stolen long ago. “Can I . . Can I get you something to drink? Coffee? Water? Tea?” I stumble, watching as she takes a seat at the island, setting down one of those cloth bags beside her.

“Coffee would be fine, honey,” she says, and always with a smile. I welcome the distraction, feeling as if I’d forgotten how to talk to another person. No, I know that I have. I hadn’t even been able to carry on a conversation with Harry, nonetheless his grandmother.

At times, I still felt uncomfortable around his parents, especially his dad. If there was one of them that I felt the easiest around, it was Claire. I’m reminded of the bouquet of black eyed susans probably now wilting on the table when she notes the array of flowers taking up space over there. I nod at her words while closing the lid of the instant coffee machine, placing a tall mug underneath the spout. The compassionate words scribbled in her cursive with its accompanying card come back to me, and suddenly, the steaming coffee grows blurry before my eyes. Sometimes, I wondered if she had a feeling about things like me, because as the first tear fell, she speaks an apology.

“I’m sorry for coming unannounced. I had let Harry know I was in town and would stop by today, but he must have forgotten to mention it to you,” she begins in a low volume, a Harry-like molasses shining in her voice. I mumble an ‘it’s okay’ while watching the coffee continue to fill the mug. It’s almost done, but then what will I do to distract myself? “Harry had said your fridge was quite full, but I couldn’t help but make a few of your favorites to bring you both. Times like these, cooking feels like the last thing you want to do.”

“A lot of things do,” I find myself saying, surprising her I’m sure and especially myself. I hadn’t even been able to find it in myself to put that feeling into words and say them to Harry. It was a blessing and a curse how we could read each other so well, but I know I’d closed myself off from him a long time ago. On accident and then, on purpose.

Ripples form across the surface of the liquid as the last few drops plummet into the dark abyss. I wait, staring at the steam rising from the mug, unsure as to why. A silence had embedded itself into these walls so long ago I couldn’t remember, and it sat between us now too. I still didn’t know how to broach it, and there was no nudging the switch that would let me talk about her. I truly didn’t know how to, not even to her father. Sometimes, I wanted to forget her so I’d stop hurting, but that felt like an impossibility and then a crime. Gulping, I wipe at my cheeks and thread my fingers through the ceramic handle.

“Those are a beautiful assortment of flowers,” she comments again when I set the drink down in front of her. A forced ‘thank you’ leaves my lips when I turn around and walk towards the fridge. “You and Harry are so loved, and so was your baby.”

I’d opened this fridge how many times over the years, and now as the handle sits in my palm, I can’t find it in myself to do it. The forgotten coupons, lists, photographs, drawings from Harper and Ollie, and magnets grew hazy before my eyes. The hum of the coffee machine cooling down wasn’t enough to mask the whimper that escaped my lips, no matter how desperately I tried to shove it down. After breathing in and out a few times, it still didn’t help, but I was able to open the door and grab what I’d needed.

Keeping my head down, I set the coffee creamer in front of her, not spending a second more facing her with the damage on my cheeks. As the spoon clinks against the sides of her mug, I distract myself by finding room in the fridge for the filled tupperware containers she’d taken from the bag. Scribbled labels adorn the top of each one, but I look past them as I stack them on a shelf. From the corner of my eye, I saw her stand from her seat to look at the flowers, thumbing at the typed messages. It’s not until the last one is snug against a container of yogurt and strawberries that somebody says something.

“They always say the same things, don’t they?” she murmurs with an out of place scoff, sounding like a hum from her lips. The tears had dried up as I thought about how to fit a container of beef stroganoff amongst tater tot casserole, but when I turned around, her face still falls. “It was the same with Steven too. They all say that they understand, but there’s no way that they can. They hadn’t lost their spouse, or . . their baby.” This roots me to the spot and we spend the next few moments looking at each other as her Soft Rose lipsticked lips fall.

“I didn’t want to come, Becky, because I know that when I lost my loves, I wanted to be alone. But that was where my demons lied in wait, and I don’t want you to go through the same thing I did when I lost my baby,” she continues. I couldn’t tell if it was the light or the way my eyes deceive me with a returning wetness, but a similar glint appears in hers. It holds my attention for a mere moment until my heart starts to pound against my ribs. “Steven and I were a little younger than you and Harry when we lost our baby at four months.”

There could be no saving my throat nor my eyes as I gulp against the dryness, feeling all of the wetness detour down my face. Her words ricochet inside of me, bouncing off walls. For the first time in too long, they sink in and make me feel something. I resist at first, not wanting to let my chest shake or my heart race, but there’s no stopping it. Staring back at her, she quietly sits back down and takes a sip from her coffee. Looking back to me, a corner of her mouth twitches as a gleaming droplet beads at her chin.

“What has it been now? Fifty five years and I still miss them . . my little baby,” the blood pounds in my ears as I stare at her in what, amazement? Horror? Complete and utter surprise? Probably, all of them.

“Gran, I-I never knew,” a voice says from behind me. Turning, another wave of shock courses through me at the sight of Harry with his hand on the door to the garage.

“I never told anybody, except for my immediate family when it had happened . . The thing was, the taboo around miscarriages and infertility hasn’t changed a whole lot since then. It disappoints me really . . Back then, you didn’t talk about it. Now, sometimes you talk about it, but it’s just the same. It’s near to impossible to speak about. Friends and family want to say something, but they don’t know how to without hurting you. So, instead of mentioning the loved one you lost, people don’t when they think of them, and they’re forgotten. That’s always been my worst fear, and I don’t want either of you to go through that- I cried when your mother told me what had happened, Harry. My heart breaks for the both of you, knowing that you’re going through the same nightmare that my Steven and I did.”

A puff leaves his lips and I can almost hear him gulp as sound evades us. Words haven’t been a friend to my lips in what feels like months, and right now isn’t an exception.

“I’m so sorry, Gran.”

“You have nothing to apologize for, Harry. I’m so sorry that you lost your baby . . I heard it was a girl, your daughter,” her words are ginger and slow. Somehow, another piece joins the puzzle, but it still leaves me staring at the floor as tidal waves crash inside of me. “It was a long time ago, but I still miss them and wonder who they’d be. I’m sorry to say that never goes away, and that the whole b-s of ‘time heals all wounds’ isn’t entirely true. You just build up scar tissue to it, but some days are worse than others. I miss Steven terribly some days, like the day you announced your engagement, and your pregnancy. When your mother told me over the phone three weeks ago, I wished he could’ve been there too, for you to talk to about fathers losing a child. Men are still pressured to not show emotions but it was just as hard on him to lose our baby, and sometimes fathers are forgotten.”

A mess of emotions roils inside of me, flipping my stomach upside down. My heart too, arguably. The last sound that I make out is a sniffle of his before I’m bringing my hands to my eyes, and sobbing against them. It felt like I stood there for minutes before escaping down the hall, when it was only a few seconds in reality.

I wasn’t certain if they knew what I did. That I could hear them from the bedroom down the hall, the place I’d come to retreat to instead of Harry’s arms. I felt him coming towards me just moments ago, but I couldn’t do it. I think I’d almost forgotten what his touch felt like. If they thought I could hear them, they probably had mistaken me for being asleep or for not listening. I think they tried to keep their voices down, but despite Harry being a closet musician, there wasn’t much for treatment to these walls. He’d joked before about having sex one night his mom stayed here but I pushed him away, chalking it up to thin walls.

Now, the memory wasn’t that funny to me as I heard their conversation. I almost felt guilty, as if I was cheating by hearing them, but this was the only way I could take part in a conversation I know I should be part of. I didn’t think that I could even speak if I had wanted to, because of the hiccuped sobs that filled my chest, making it hard to speak. I know that I made the right decision when my head rests against the door upon hearing about what they say next, about me.

“I can hardly get her to have a conversation with me, Gran. Let alone about . . about the baby.”

“Oh, Harry. You just have to give her time.”

“I know and I have, but it’s becoming all the harder to feel as time passes. She’s getting worse and I’m barely staying put together. It scares me so much, because I don’t want to lose her too. If I did, I’d lose everything I have to live for.”

At last, the sound of my choked sobs drowned out that of their voices. By the time my lungs calmed down and my heart hardened once more, it was quiet. I missed his voice despite how it had almost betrayed me to another, and made me hurt. My rumbling stomach ultimately won the race and it was what led me down the hall, and without knowing, back to her. I blamed it on the appetizing smell wafting from the kitchen.

I’d already seen her and had decided to keep going, but upon passing the island where she sat again, I heard her intake of breath. Harry wasn’t anywhere to be seen, despite the wiped clean plate in the sink with the large fork and an empty can. He was the only one who used them and who drank the sparkling waters that I thought tasted like bug spray.

“I’m so sorry, Becky. The last thing I wanted was to upset you, honey.”

“You don’t have to apologize. Frankly, I’m rather tired of people saying those two words, but thank you,” I return, a steadiness arriving in my voice that I didn’t know I’d missed. “Can I-?”

“Of course, it’s all yours,” she insists with a smile. Nodding, I pick up the serving spoon and a plate, feeling my stomach grow happy at the sight and smell of her famous homemade lasagna. “There’s garlic bread in the oven and salad in the fridge. I’m just going to use the little girl’s room.”

I almost smile, realizing that I’ve missed her and just maybe, I feel okay enough to talk about it. I’d found a seat at the island beside her empty cup of coffee, already digging into the lasagna. An almost embarrassing moan left my lips at the taste of the layers of cheese, pasta, and bolognese sauce.

“Leave it to Claire to find the way to your heart,” somebody comments. Turning, I find Harry walking towards me with a tilt to his lips. He unrolls the hem of a Queen Bohemian Rhapsody shirt, looking more like himself now that he’s out of a suit. Sometimes, I still catch myself thinking that it was always the opposite, seeing how I’d know him to always be in suits for so long.

To my surprise, I don’t flinch or pull back when his hand arrives on my shoulder as I wipe my mouth with a napkin.

“You don’t know how happy it makes me to see you eating, and enjoying it . . I’m surprised you haven’t broken into that plate of brookies yet,” he comments. Something happy buds on my lips when his lips sponge a kiss to my temple.

“So am I,” I reply, cutting myself another bite of the food. To my happiness, his arm comes around my shoulder and stays there. I welcome it and feel a warmth grow in my gut upon finding the courage to meet his eyes. They hold something that I learn to be mischief when he plucks one of the cookies off the plate. “Hey, save some for me.”

“Don’t worry, they’re all yours. Well, except a few for me. Maybe we could split them down the middle. Half for me and half for you,” he suggests with a cocky shrug to his broad shoulders. It surprises us both when my lips spill a few second giggle. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed that sound.”

“I’ve missed you,” it’s but a squeak and still, I know he hears it by the sad curl of his lips. “I’m going to try.”

“Thank you, my lovebug. That’s all I can ask for,” he smiles, stealing a quick peck from my lips. It catches me off guard and I find myself staring at him while he manages to take a bite that’s half of the cookie. He winks at me and I turn away, shoveling a large bite of cheesy pasta past my lips.

Another bite had donned my fork by the time Claire found her seat beside us. I’d made a dent in my garlic bread by now as Harry worked on his second cookie.

Swallowing, I loaded my fork with a scrap of melted cheese and bolognese sauce. “Claire. How . . How did you do it? Be okay again after losing your baby? It . . It feels impossible,” the words seem to come from nowhere at first.

After a few moments, I know where they stem from, and just how much importance they hold. It looks back at me in Harry’s eyes when I peer up at him, smiling back when he thumbs away a tear below my eye. As her response hits our ears, I reach my arm out and across his back, holding tightly onto his side. I didn’t let go once as we cried together with his grandma about our lost babies, and neither did he.

I went to bed with a hope in my heart, thinking that tomorrow would be different. Alas, I woke up to an empty bed and it wasn’t. I wasn’t surprised but sure, I was let down. I knew that somebody else would be much more disappointed than I was, if that were possible.

It wasn’t long after my waking realization that there was a knock on the door anda creak, “Hey, buggie. I’m making french toast. How many pieces do you want?” The rest of the night had been uneventful, for once. His grandma stayed for another hour or two as we ate cookies and I finally talked about it. Her. Now, lying with my back to Harry, I didn’t know how to do that again. To talk. “Wakey wakey, it’s nearly noon.”

His voice was closer now as his hands settled on my shoulders from behind. The feeling of his thumbs kneading the tissue made me want to let him drive away the intrusive thoughts. To let him win, but I didn’t know how. Yesterday had seemed like a fluke, as I looked back on it. Even if he was her father, how could I explain to him the hollowness that had filled me when I remembered that my child had died inside of me? No, that wasn’t something he could understand, nor could he hear how much I wished he had been there that morning. That the fact he wasn’t there had changed everything. I couldn’t tell him that and I never wanted to, but I’d gotten close. At the times his nagging and hovering drove me up the wall, my tongue itched to deal the worst blows just to get him off my back. I knew it was wrong, so much of it was but I didn’t know how to stop. All I knew how to do was to drown myself in my regret afterwards. Sometimes, I was mad that we couldn’t keep alcohol around, but at others, I was glad for it.

His molasses voice murmurs my name once more, another time that I ignore, until I can’t. “No thanks.”

“I can bring it in here for you. There’s bacon and strawberries too. Orange juice, as well.”

Shaking my head, I bury my face deeper into the pillow, finding that it has his smell. At one time, he had been my safety blanket, but now it was his smell that could calm me down. I wanted to feel guilty about it but I didn’t have the energy to feel guilt because of anything else as it was all focused on one thing.

“I’ll have a little bit,” I surrender, listening to his hopeful response before leaving. For once, he let me eat alone in the bedroom. But he still inspected my plate, and I could tell that he was biting back a remark as he read the paper at the island.

“Can we talk?”

“What about?” I replied, bending over to place my dishes in the dishwasher. Standing back up, I fail at readying myself for his next onslaught of questions. The ones that I can’t answer.

“You know . . About Phoebe,” he answers. I hear it, the way he has to shove the words past his lips in order to get them out. I only know because I’ve done it a thousand times, and often with him. You do it when it’s too hard to say, but you know that it has to be done regardless.

“What’s there to talk about?”

“Becks,” he sighs, annoyance clear in his voice. “I thought you said that you were going to try. Last night went so well and you did great, I-.”

“I just can’t do it today. Okay, Harry?” I retort tearfully, catching the sagging of his features when I lock eyes with him. Sighing, I forget the cookie I’d picked up, placing the saran wrap back over it.

“So what, we need to schedule a fricken time to talk about it?”

I’d begun my retreat, but I wasn’t far enough yet. No, if I was in earshot of Harry, it wasn’t over yet. It had always been that way, ever since the beginning.

“Harry, please,” my words start, decorated with tears that drag my words underwater.

“We got pregnant and we . . we had a miscarriage, Becks. It’s nearly been a month now, but what comes next? When do we get back to normal?”

I hadn’t even been facing him and the words felt like a slap in the face. The look on mine must have felt similar to him, because when I turn around to look at him through blurry eyes, he melts into a puddle of regret.

“I didn’t mean it that way, Becks. Not-.”

“Not what way, Harry? That we should just forget about it and move on with our lives? God, you’re sounding like the doctor the other day who said that we can start trying again whenever we want. But I don’t want to try again yet, Harry, because I’m too scared that we’d lose another one- I mean, what if I can’t have kids? And- I don’t want to forget her or replace her,” but he didn’t hear the last part and I hadn’t decided if I’d wanted him to.

“You don’t know that, Becks, and that’s not what I meant at all. I promise,” he interrupts. The legs of his oversized sweatpants sag down to his ankles when he stands. “I didn’t say we had to get pregnant again right away. I’m fucking scared too. I just mean that I want us to get better. Collectively and on our own. I hate seeing you so upset all of the time, and just want you to be happy. We’re supposed to get married sometime this year and I still don’t know when that’s going to happen. The house is going to be ready in a few months, and I wanted to bring you there one day to look at the progress.”

I had begun to shake my head long before he’d stopped talking. It brought an edge to his words and an annoyance that I didn’t like, despite inciting it. A loud puff passes his lips and he returns to the chair, raking a hand through his hair. That either meant annoyance or boredom, or both. Like I tend to do, I take it personally and figure he’s both annoyed and bored of me, not that it was anything new lately.

“I can’t do that, Harry. I-I can’t,” fumbling with my words, my hand gets caught in my hair as I avoid his eyes. It doesn’t stop him from retorting an inquisitive ‘why not?’ “How am I supposed to go and see the house we’re building that has five extra bedrooms, Harry? How do you expect me to look at the rooms we planned out for o-our kids, and one for . . for Phoebe’s nursery when she’s not coming anymore?”

“Becks,” the nickname leaves his lips like that one breath that’s knocked out of you when you fall. The wrinkles that are rarely there above his eyes return as his eyebrows fall deeply. “I didn’t . . I wasn’t thinking. I’m so sorry.”

“And so am I, but . . I just can’t do that right now, o-or talk about her. I’m sorry,” I say with haste to my words and in my actions. The sad sound from his lips follows me to the couch where I perch, pretending to watch the tv. He doesn’t join me and after a while of pretending, my eyes start to droop.

The image of Shrek and Fiona making animal balloons falls away until a sound wakes me. Time had passed because now Fiona stands in front of Lord Farquad and Shrek is nowhere to be seen.

“I’m going to run an errand. Is there um, anything you need, bug?” he murmurs, the jangling of keys adorning his words.

“No thanks.”

“Okay, I won’t be long- Becks?” he speaks up, clearing his throat at last. I call back a question and wait as he idles. “I really am sorry about earlier, I didn’t mean anything insensitively or to upset you. I’d never want to do that.”

“I know, Harry. It’s okay,” are the last words that pass between us before he bids me a goodbye. I welcome the lack of silence but curl into the couch more, pulling the blanket around me as the movie continues.

My head throbbed when I stood up, but it had been happening a lot lately. I knew it was because I hadn’t been eating much, and as I think about that, my feet lead me to the fridge.

I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt full after eating, and still wanting a cookie afterwards. Like I do now. Licking the crumbs from my fingers after the last bite, the wooden floor is cold against my bare feet. For a reason I don’t know, I soon am staring up the staircase, and in that direction. It pulls at me to climb the stairs, but something deep down throbs in denial.

Instead, my attention is stolen when my ringtone blares from the couch. I lose my phone half of the time these days and so calls went unanswered. Assuming it was Harry with a grocery question, I picked it up without looking at who it was.

“Hi, Boops.”

“Dad,” I almost sigh, but I was unsure as to why. Was it the bombardment of talking to my dad on the phone for the first time in almost a month? Most likely. Or was it the homesickness that grew in my gut at the sound of his voice. “Daddy.”

“Hi, honey. I was hoping you’d answer. I’ve missed your voice.”

Sinking onto the couch, my bottom lip quivers as I try to breathe in slowly, but my heart won’t listen. It hasn’t for a while now.

“I’ve missed yours, Daddy.”

“Oh, baby girl,” he says in an exhale. Already, I know that he hears what my voice is dipped in, but I don’t hide it. It was too late for that. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”

“I’m getting really sick of that word, but thanks, Dad.”

His classical chuckle begins its opening but it falters there, and so did any chance at mine. Silence had rarely been uncomfortable with my Dad. That was only when I’d gotten into trouble or when I was trying to tell him about something that had happened with my Mom, which usually went hand in hand. Over the years, I could hardly count the times silence had grown awkward between us, until it did now.

“What are you doing?” he decides to say, lifting my eyes to the tv screen where it appears Fiona and Farquaad will get their Happily Ever After. I knew without needing to think what would happen next. They wouldn’t, because it never really happens that way. No, it’s not that easy or immediate.

“Watching Shrek on the couch.”

“Is Harry there?” he murmurs a question.

“No, he went to do something not long ago. I don’t know what,” I answer, wrapping the tassels of the blanket around my finger until it hurts. “I think he’s mad at me. I can’t tell anymore, it seems like he always is.”

“I’m sure that’s not true, honey.”

Shaking my head for nobody to see, I taste blood when pressing my lips together to hold back the whimpering. Sniffling, I breathe in raggedly before speaking, “I think it is . . I can’t blame him, because I’ve been so horrible to him, Dad. H-He was supposed to be a Daddy and I’ve forgotten that he’s g-going through all of this too. I’ve been in my own little world being sad a-about the baby, and I forgot about him, Dad. I’m supposed to marry him soon, and I don’t even wear my ring anymore, and I can’t go upstairs, and-,” he doesn’t cut me off. I leave that honor for myself as I watch the color drain from my finger when I unwrap the tassel. I’d slowly come to hate the color red, even refusing to eat strawberries at first. It’d become the color I’d hated most after . . after that morning.

“I’m sure that he understands, Ree, or he’s at least trying to. I’ve spoken to him a few times now, and he’s not mad at you. He’s just frustrated and overwhelmed. Harry hates to see you unhappy, it’s always been that way with you too, and vice versa. He wants to fix everything, but I told him that’s not always possible. You can’t fix another person . . . and neither can you, Boops. You’re doing your best and so is he, and after a while-.”

“But I’m not, Dad. I’m hardly trying, only when I feel like it. I . . I don’t know how to do any of this and I don’t want to. I don’t want her to be gone. I was supposed to be a Mom. Her Mom,” I weep, pressing the handful of blanket against my eyes, catching my tears.

“I wish I could make it all better for you too, honey. Ever since you were little, I wanted to kiss the owies better and tell off the kids who were mean to you, but . . . you have to do it yourself and when you can, Becky. You can’t rush this. Grief, it doesn’t have a timetable or a road map- and, honey, you are a Mom. You’re Phoebe’s Mom. Nothing will ever change that,” somehow, I cry harder at his last words, melting into the couch.

“Thank you, Daddy,” I cry into the phone, wishing it was his shoulder, instead. It’s a few moments filled with the sound of my tears and his own sniffles, before I speak again. “But how do I . . how do I let Harry back in? I pushed him away without meaning to and now we’re so far apart, Dad.”

“I think that you need to remember that he’s grieving the loss of a child too. Your child together, Ree, and that he’s feeling the exact same feelings that you are. He’s devastated at not getting to be a father to Phoebe, to meet her, watch her grow up into a person, and do all of the things that you’re grieving the loss of too. You’re a team, honey, and you need to give each other some grace too. There aren’t any rules to this and maybe I shouldn’t talk because I’m divorced, but the first reason you’re there with each other is because you love each other. You have to remember that too, honey. Hey, I’m sorry, I think I’m burning my dinner in the oven. Can I call you back later, sweetie?”

“Yeah, Dad. Of course. Um, thank you. That really helped me,” I reply, swiping at my tears with the dry side of the blanket.

“I’m glad to hear it. I love you, Boops.”

“I love you too, Daddy,” and he’s gone. All I hear is the silence of the dead call and Shrek’s voice on the tv as he yells at Lord Farquaad. It’s what fills my ears and distracts my mind when I lay my head on the pillow, resting my hand on my belly without thinking. But unlike every other time I’d found myself doing it since . . since I was actually holding my baby, I let it stay there, wildly wishing she could be here watching Shrek with me.

I heard him come in when the credits of the movie are switching to the opening of its sequel. It was arguably the best, in my opinion, but it was something Harry and I had always disagreed upon. The memory sparks an invitation for him on my tongue, but upon raising my head, I watch him disappear down the hallway.

My ears aren’t sure what to focus on, the sound of his parting footsteps, the racing of my heart, or guitar strings soon being plucked from down the hall. It wasn’t much of a choice, because my feet were already leading me towards his study. A place where he had been spending a lot of time recently. I find myself gravitating towards the sound and wanting to hear more, but I stop outside the door nervously. My heart pulls me forward, despite the way it gallops, making me feel sick to my stomach. Standing there, I wonder why this is something I’m nervous about, but nothing is the same anymore. I hadn’t felt this way for what had it been now, years? There hadn’t been a time since the beginning that I was nervous to talk to Harry, and yet, here I stood doing just that.

His playing stopped and I perked up, making out the scribbling of pen on paper. Was he writing a song, I wondered quietly and wished I could ask. I didn’t know how to, and that was something I’d thought too many times lately. How to get out of bed. To eat a whole plate of food. Talk to my family and friends. I hardly even knew how to talk to Harry anymore. That’s what was holding me back, wasn’t it? Sure, if you wanted to sum it up.

“I know you’re standing outside the door . . Did you need something?” Harry murmurs, an edge to his voice. It was one that had appeared out of the blue and refused to leave. I only knew because I’d felt my voice change like that too.

There’s the creaking of the floor before I press the ajar door open enough for me to fit through. I find him sitting back down on his office chair, but he faces away from me, a guitar propped on his lap.

“How’d you know?” I ask softly, still awkwardly standing in the doorway. His eyes flit to mine and I’m unsure of why I look away, except that I can’t face him. No, not when mine are still wet and I’m sure they aren't going to dry up anytime soon. Not after what I’m about to say.

“You forget how long I’ve known you,” he mumbles, peering down at the moleskin journal he scribbles in. “Four years, give or take. You learn their cues and the sounds they make when you come to know somebody for that long. That’s how I heard you at the door, it was your footsteps.”

“Oh,” I respond flatly, feeling dumb. His tone doesn’t imply it and nor do his words, but the embarrassment has run rampant already.

Watching him write and escape to his own little world had always been one of my favorite things to observe. Even his handwriting was something that brought me . . comfort. I blamed it on the familiarity, but as it pours from his pen, it makes my heart slow down a few ticks.

“My Dad called and we talked for a little bit.”

Harry hums a reply, crossing something out on the piece of paper. Scratching his head, he sighs whilst staring at the writing. I can’t make it out from here, but once again, the silence finds its old spot. Remembering his initial question when he heard me at the door, I worry that I’m bothering him. Gulping past the nervousness and doubt, I pedal forward.

“Was that yours?” I ask warily, noting his head rising so he can meet my eyes for a split second. They hold a question in them, perhaps dozens. “The song. It . . It was really pretty.”

“Yeah . . It’s just something I’ve been playing around with,” his answer comes out in a pillowy tone. It has changed ever since . . since I’d run away from him, and I hear it now as he speaks his reply.

“I really . . really like it,” I comment, looking towards the ceiling when his grandfather’s Gibson acoustic grows hazy in my eyes.

“Thank . . you. Hey, what is it? Did your dad say something that upset you?” it had been so long since I’d heard that steely edge absent from his voice. I don’t know why I mourned it, because it was my fault it had ever arrived in the first place. Wasn’t it? “Becks.”

“Yeah, he said a lot of things th-that made sense, actually,” I confess, dropping my head to stare at my fingers that I wring. I’m unable to ignore the feeling of my lips trembling against each other, despite busying myself with adjusting my rings. They stop when I arrive at the one that speaks volumes, and how deeply I’d ignored it.

Braving the storm, I finally look at him. His greens are patient and soft, something neither of our eyes have been for the other for awhile now. Without breaking eye contact, he settles his guitar onto its stand and discards the pad of paper.

“Harry, c-can I have a hug?” slowly, the overdue question comes.

“Of course,” he responds, a corner of his mouth quirking up. Already, he’s holding his arms out towards me. “You’ve never needed to ask, buggie.”

“Thank you,” I murmur, feeling the air whoosh out of me when my body touches his. Somehow, my chest shakes harder with a new sob. It only worsens when his hands come under my thighs, lifting me up to sit on his lap.

“It’s been so long since we’ve hugged,” I know he doesn’t mean to, but it feels like a chasm through my chest when he says that. The guilt that had arrived at my dad’s words increases by tenfold.

“I’m sorry,” it’s but a whisper against his neck, my favorite place for hide and seek. But it was always him seeking me, it had been for months now, and I hadn’t let him win. Not once.

“What?”

“I’m so sorry for everything, Harry,” I repeat, pulling back to find his greens swarmed by tears. Swiping my thumb under them, I catch the way that they leak with sadness. “For how horribly I’ve treated you this last month, and how . . how I forgot that you- you lost our baby too.”

“Oh, honey. You don’t have to-,” he begins, adamant in his apology. One that I won’t accept.

“No, but I do have to apologize,” I sob, surprised at the way I’m shocked by the rough feeling of his cheeks. It had been so long since I’d touched him like this, despite watching him grow his beard out. “My dad, he . . he put it into perspective for me. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before, I hate myself for that, for-.”

“Hey, don’t hate yourself for anything. This last month has been a Hell we never thought we’d have to endure. Something we shouldn’t have to deal with, and one that isn’t our fault,” he insists, thumbing at the place where a dimple would usually fall in my left cheek. I’d forgotten it was there, just like I’d done the same to him.

“But all you’ve been doing is trying to take care of me, and I made that so hard for you,” comes my cry against his palm, feeling the way he holds me together from breaking for the thousandth time. No, that would imply I’d have been put back together, but that wasn’t something I’d done. “You tried to make me eat and I fought you on it until you stopped talking about it. I argued with you and ignored you when you were just trying to keep the world going, but you never stopped, even though I did. You didn’t stop living and loving me when I stopped.”

“Becks, it’s okay,” he repeats, the words sliding into my ears as my hand wanders to his neck. A hoodie with cartoons from our childhoods dons his upper half, tattoos peeking out from the color. I found the charm of his necklace instantaneously, something I could do in the dark.

“But it’s not, Harry. It’s not okay how I treated you. I forgot you and that you’ve been mourning the loss of your child too. Our b-baby,” I whimper, sniffling when I inhale uneasily. My fingers shake before me until he takes hold of my hand, surrounding it with his own before pressing it to his lips. “I’m so sorry.”

“I forgive you, Becks. I always will,” Harry says, tucking his chin over my head when I melt against him. “I meant it that first night after we came home and you disappeared on me . . We lost our baby, our child, and I can’t . . I can’t lose you too, Rebecca. I have, time and time again, and I can’t do it again. I’ve hardly stayed pieced together lately being so far away from each other like we have . . God, the only thing that kept me going was just thinking, ‘one more day’ for so many days.”

Hiccuping, my hands brace themselves against his taut back, feeling his own drift along my spine. Shaking my head against the crook of his neck, I struggle to breathe, let alone speak, “I’m so sorry, Harry. I can’t believe how awful I was to you. We’re supposed to get married soon, and I can’t even live up to that in sickness and health part of the vows.”

He continued to murmur assurances that everything was okay, and for the first time in a long while, I found myself believing him. Crying against his neck, I heard his own shed tears onto mine as my hands rubbed circles into his shoulders.

“I’m sorry I got mad at you that day for going to work, even though you asked me and I said it was okay . . And-.”

“Shhh, it’s okay. You don’t have to do that, Becks,” he assures me, pressing a kiss to my head. Again, I believe him, and it feels easier to breathe. Just in the slightest.

“I was such a bitch to you.”

Something sparks inside of my chest at the sound I hear next, one that had been lost along the way. His laugh. His song.

“I’ve been known to be quite the dick on one or two occasions, as well,” I savor the glint that appears in his eyes upon pulling away. It had been one of the first times I was able to lift my head since before all of this had happened, because it had been better just to hide. No, not now.

The quirk to his lips is a full on tilt now, and through them, I’m reminded of what drew me to this man in the first place. It was those eyes and that smile that made me melt upon impact. Well, then there’s the sunshine they share, and how I taste it when his lips meet mine for really the first time in what, a month. Emotion pulls at me from somewhere underneath at the thought, but he makes me forget rather quickly. He’s always been good at that.

His peppermint chapstick sticks to my lips after he’s pulled away several seconds later, trying to catch his breath. The cobwebs have been dusted away in more ways than one, and it feels weird at first, wrong almost, but I laugh. It catches him by surprise too and his eyes focus on me, and only grow brighter.

“I’ve missed kissing you, and laughing with you,” Harry grins, pressing one more to my lips before brushing his nose against mine.

“So have I. I’m s-.”

“I swear, if you say that word one more time,” he tuts, shaking his head with his bottom lip caught between his teeth.

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I’ll have to figure out something,” he says, sighing for the dramatic effect. I giggle along with him a moment later, remembering the flecks of gold hidden in his eyes. I remember a lot, too much almost, and the gold is gone as my eyes flood once more. “I know it’s hard, Becks. Something has never been this difficult for me . . for you either. But we have to talk, and I’ve been aching for ages now to talk to you . . I don’t want to ignore it, because they shouldn’t be forgotten. Our daughter. We need to talk about them, about her,” I’m nodding before he can finish, feeling his warm lips against my forehead as I focus on my breaths. “In and out, bug. In and out. We can do this. We’ll start slow.”

I haven’t stopped nodding, but once my lungs start to work again, I pull away and find his eyes once more. It comes to me and I can’t hold it back in anymore, knowing I need to say it first. To tell him.

“Okay, let’s talk about o-our daughter,” I begin, cringing at the sound of my voice breaking already. He nods, cupping my face in his palm, the sweetest of looks on his face.

#harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles alternate universe #one direction fanfiction #one direction #fanfic #wattpad #harry styles wattpad #writing #vanchlo writes #heck yes #becky x harry #tempestad #elmundodebecks

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koorinohebi · 3 years

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@super-kame-love

Continued From:

I am curious: how would you describe Kiomi's relationship with Jiraiya? And with Koji Kashin? What you've shared about them so far seems very interesting and I must know more!

+ + +

Sorry for breaking it into two different posts, Kame-san. The other one felt so long already.

Quick note: IF you haven't read or watched Boruto, this will definitely contain spoilers.

So for this second one, we have...

Kashin Koji

So the main reason I was interested in him was when rumors were floating around that Jiraiya or someone that resembles him is back in Boruto. One look at his design and I was like, yeah. Unmistakably related in one way or another. Lo and behold my friend, lo and behold.

I have 2 verses for Kashin Koji. One is the one where you often see me mention Takeda. That one is an on going RP with @ambitiousparagon, and the other one is a verse where I pen Koji myself. The one with Takeda is still in the works and currently still very unpredictable, so for this instance I'll talk about my own version of Kashin Koji, which actually...more than Kiomi being the main focus, I tend to lean more towards the man himself. This is heavily influenced by headcanons that are based on what I noticed his personality being based on what we know so far.

So when I first encountered Kashin Koji there was hardly anything on him, which is to say, still very true currently. He hasn't been seen in the manga after his crushing defeat against Isshiki, and in the anime, they've given him a voice, and we see how he acts, but ultimately it doesn't differ from what we've already read in the manga (if you or any of the ones reading this have read it).

So Kashin Koji is, despite being quite whimsical, a no nonsense kinda guy. So he is very...well, I wouldn't call it by the book, but as a shinobi, he chooses the most efficient way to carry out the mission, which is...by default, how Amado had initially programed him-- Not as a perfectionist, no, but as Isshiki would say it, Amado's programming of Kashin Koji rode on his maker clinging onto Jiraiya's mighty fate. However, with Jiraiya being the template, it's not a surprise if Koji would inherit the man's sentiments, principles, and even slight eccentricities as a Shinobi (which I believe Amado had predicted and saw as a weakness. He needs and creates tools as he sees fit, and he'll use whatever he can to further his agenda). Amado strives to emulate within Kashin Koji the "star of change" which Jiraiya possessed. As we know, thanks not only to the prophecy, but also due to Jiraiya's diligence in searching for that revolutionary that could change the world, he was able to bring together (in one way or another) three of the most powerful game changers that we have who affected the course of the current History. If they wanted to defeat Isshiki, he needed that kind of trick up his sleeve. Because however, Kashin Koji has imperfections, and someone Jigen had deemed weaker than he is (because Jigen told Amado to dispose of clones more powerful than he was), our good professor faces a setback and thus needs to come up with a new plan (going to the Hokage, and asking them to kill Isshiki instead while having Kashin Koji show them the "ropes" on how it's done).

My take on him stems from this human weakness. Kashin Koji is aware of who he's supposed to be a clone of. We see this when he comments on his fate being tied to Konoha and the like. And admittedly, knowing your predecessor's legacy, not to mention having been able to perfect something that the original couldn't gives him a bit of an ability to brag, and believe that he can be just as great or even greater than Jiraiya.

But the question is how convinced he is of this himself. I do believe that Kashin Koji wants to be a person of his own, and in being the perfect heroic shinobi tool, even if he dies, it wouldn't be for naught so long as he brings down his target (which happens to be the biggest threat since Madara, Tobi, and Kaguya). Believing that Amadao was entrusting the fate of the world in his hands bolstered his confidence. However, when Isshiki pointed out the painful truth of Amado's betrayal and deception, he internally refuses to accept it. That he was just a pawn, and that he'd never break free from being nothing but Jiraiya's shadow. I always felt that if at the baseness of Jiraiya's personality, you have a decent grasp of his shortcomings, regrets, and insecurities, you'll get a good grasp of Kashin Koji too. Although it's just my headcanon (and people dont really have to abide by it), Koji too, is plagued by this ever looming sense of not being good enough, as well as not living up to the name of his original (very much like how Jiraiya felt his accomplishments dont match that of Sandaime or Minato).

So after this long explanation on my take on Kashin Koji, you may ask where Kiomi comes in. Well, she comes in as a form of support.

Just as with Naruto's unreasonable worry, the first time that Kiomi sees Kashin Koji, she's instantly unreasonably bothered by him as well. Worse, when the mask comes off, and she sees his face she is instantly appalled and angry because everything that she's been keeping inside is dragged to the surface. Of course, none of this was Kashin Koji's fault. It was more of Kiomi's own regret, and seeing him was like opening a can of worms for her, reminding her of all the things she wanted to do and say had her teacher been alive. At the same time, she's very irked that someone was running around with his face, because someone had the gall to deliberately make a "knock off" as she calls it, of the man she respects the most.

With this much animosity, one would wonder how Kiomi becomes his support. While Kiomi and Kashin Koji initially dislikes each other, the woman rejects the fact that he's just "some clone", as he is also a person who deserves to live his life as himself regardless of whether he was created as a tool or as a clone. If you remember from my first post about Kiomi and Jiraiya's relationship, this was exactly the same kind of treatment that Jiraiya gave Kiomi when she viewed herself as nothing more than a disposable chess piece. She doesn't say this outright to Kashin Koji though. He learns this on his own. Seeing that someone believed in his own possibilities gave him a little peace of mind, just a little. In effect, this draws his curiosity. Kashin Koji being an Inner of Kara does his assignment pretty well, so he would by effect, know who she was as too. He believed she would be one of those who would constantly see him as a glorified Kagebunshin, but surprisingly she didn't. In fact, seeing as he was who he was, it would make him a perfect replacement, but she didn't treat him like that. This makes him loosen up around her, enough that his usually snide and sarcastic remarks are now laced with a hint of fond teasing. Ironically, she hates it when he does this, as it reminds her of Jiraiya. (Because Jiraiya often teases her about one thing or another.)

One of my favorite interactions of them is probably this one, just because it shows a little bit of both their internal struggles and how they deal with each other.

===

“Tell me,” Instead of standing to leave, he remained seated opposite from her. Kashin Koji removed the mask which barred a portion of his face that she was surely uncomfortable seeing. And he was right. She averted her eyes briefly, before putting up a look of feigned indifference once their optics finally met.

There was relative distress in her features, that much he could tell while staring at her…curiously, seriously. “Do I resemble him? This Jiraiya of yours.”

Looking at him was like staring into a nightmare, a stark reminder of what she could never hope to have. However, she understood his question. They were past simple notions of physicality. It wasn’t just about his face, nor was it about his origin. It was deeper than that. For Kiomi’s alleged simple-mindedness, this concept was not something so hard to grasp. Not when this was the very base of the learnings she had inherited from the mentor she respected the most. Despite Jiraiya and Kashin Koji’s shared similarities, they were still two very different people, each with their own uniqueness. Besides, denying a man his own identity was probably the cruelest judgment any living being could impose on another.

“You don’t.” The answer came simply; however, he did not miss the semblance of melancholy that lingered upon her visage. To him, it felt indicative of disappointment…such fragile and complicated feelings.

“I see.” Kashin Koji had closed his eyes then, satisfied with the answer. In a sense, he felt his lips curve into a smirk. Two words of reassurance; to think that hearing something so simple had such a significant impact. And as for Kiomi who had only seen the man scowl at her existence, this look on his face for the first time caused her chest to ache. Perhaps in her words, she knew not if a lie existed; if only because such an expression looked frighteningly similar to her teacher’s.

“The two of you must have loved each other very dearly.” At this point, he had refocused his gaze upon the female, only to raise a brow shortly after. He had never seen anyone choke on air before. Her flustered features shouldn’t have been anything extraordinary, but it felt amusing. “Was I mistaken?”

“Yes, you’re wrong! You’re very wrong!” She retorted, her flushed face, easily beating the most crimson of fruits. “Everything, this…my…they’re all just…” She tried to calm down as she explained. “…they’re all just…what I’m trying to say is…whatever they are, they’re all just one-sided emotions…” She looked downtrodden. He recalled Naruto saying that their mentor died while she was away figuring out herself, and had carried a burden none of them could share. Jiraiya had meant everything to them, each within varying degrees unknown just how much to the other.

After learning that all of this was one sided, he looked at her with lethargy. “Are you actually an idiot after all?”

“Oi, you actually dare to call me an idiot in my own house? Besides, it’s not like I stood a chance against the person he sought after.” It wasn’t a secret to her after all, that he had his eyes on Lady Tsunade. What chance did she have against someone who had shared in his losses, successes, strife, and victories?

“Was what you felt actually so flimsy that it lost to someone else’s? Did you confirm it with your own mouth?”

The questions that bombarded her, matched with such an unexpected interrogator threw her off. So much that when she had come to her senses, she found herself face to face with Kashin Koji. If she was distraught earlier, then the ante had been upped then and there. Trapped in between his arms, being stared at, it felt horrible and suffocating for many reasons that she convinced herself that she couldn't understand. “Should I teach you just how lofty your feelings are?” He lingered so close, too close for comfort. But that was where she drew the line. Steeling herself, she pulled her head back just enough to give her some room to drive her forehead down against his. THWACK!

Both of them found themselves clutching their heads, one clicked his tongue and the other was cussing up a storm in her mind--and verbally, apparently.

“Don’t you dare mock me—“

She was on the verge of throwing him out, but there he was, laughing, collapsed on the floor as he held onto his forehead. She stifled her annoyance because she remembered how; pranks of the same nature had been done to her, by none other than her favorite mentor. And he would laugh just the same. At least sensei’s were a little more innocent and subtle. “Don’t laugh at me either!” She demanded with childish vigor, kicking him in the shin repeatedly. He fended them off well enough, which added to her irritation.

“That’s enough out of you.”

“You don’t get to tell me what to do in my own hou—hou—“ That was to say, if she wasn’t going to stop her assault, then he would have to play along. Grabbing her ankle when she struck, he pulled her over; just enough to make her balance crumble, bringing her down effectively.

“What the actual hell is wrong with you?”

“Even now, you’re struggling to protect what’s important to you. You may be a bit weaker than others, but it doesn’t seem like you’re lacking in persistence and perseverance. What are you so afraid of?”

Again with questions and commentaries that she did not ask for…

Her silence was enough of a response. Regrets, apprehensions, guilt, it was painted on her face. Shaking his head, Kashin Koji came to a stand and dusted himself, thereafter extending a hand for her to take.

“At the very least, come up to the starting line and show that mentor of yours your resolve.”

She begrudgingly looked at the hand that was offered to her. She felt ashamed and annoyed at herself because she knew that his point was valid. He wasn’t wrong, and in fact, he made more sense than she had wanted to admit. With an inward sigh, she took that hand and he helped her to her feet.

“…” Their grasp on each other persisted for a while. There was no warmth there; no comfort of a familiar friend, but there was a firmness that was enough to uproot whatever doubt it was that crept within the confines of her mind. She wouldn’t exactly call the other’s presence reassuring, but in a sense it was something close to it.

“Tsk, just who do you think you are? Acting all high and mighty?” Compared to before, the scowl had turned a bit friendly, but a scowl none the less.

“In case you haven’t heard or have been mistaking me for someone else, it’s Kashin Koji.” He replied with a tinge of whimsy in his voice. Matched with that was a tighter grip on the female’s hand which she reciprocated in kind. “Kiomi.” She rebutted against his satirical introduction.

When they at last released each other, there was probably a reddening mark there, but it also seemed like they’ve come to a certain understanding. “With a grip like that, what do you even hope to accomplish?”

Everything that comes out of his mouth is a fucking insult… Kiomi mused, unabashed by such a sentiment. Still, she watched him retrieve his mask only to wear it over his face once more. “I’ve a scouting mission at the Hokage’s behest. Two days time.” He stated out of the blue, walking towards her direction, incidentally near the exit. “Join me.”

“And why exactly, should I do that?” Folding her arms over her chest, she asked.

“Learn something useful rather than wallow in your self-pity.” Just before he could pass her completely, the intruder halted to cup her cheeks, moving it side to side casually.

(I made a thing.Lol Kiomi and her tendency to get manhandled.) There was no tenderness there, rather it seemed like he was inspecting a toy for some kind of defect. “You dont seem outclassed by anyone, not even by the Godaime. Put yourself to good use. You are a Shinobi, after all.”

“What does Lady Tsunade even have to do with this?”

“Who else would you feel so inferior to? It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together. Besides,”

Finally, he’d relinquish his hold to observe her frame carefully. She was a slender woman, possibly bordering voluptuous underneath all that fabric. From the wrinkles and silhouette of her attire, he could tell that she was filled out in all the right places. Fair skin, a set of apprehensive platinum orbs…among other things. “You have the curves. Maybe not the appeal and self confidence, but you have the curves. You’ll be fine.”

Perhaps it was in that retort that Kiomi ran after Kashin Koji as he left her place, albeit with a senbon or two hurled at the man. “I was wrong; you’re probably just as much of a letch as sensei!”

The projectiles were caught between the fingers and twirled around with ease, no troubles at all. He contemplated for a mere second before deciding to keep them as a souvenir. “You wound me with your presumptuousness. I'm a busy man, and have no time for countless women. Such a disappointing assessment.” He waved her off, walking away and finally disappearing from sight.

===

Pardon the length, but this is how they normally interact in my story.

Koji serves as a challenge for Kiomi, while Kiomi serves as a "net" for Koji so that when he falls pray to his feeling of incompetency, he remembers that she expects him to plainly be Kashin Koji, and no one else. Both of them remind each other of something important which they both hope would make them better versions of themselves.

So what kind of relationship do they have? I'm pretty sure it's along the lines of frienemies.

#|| Breaking the Ice || Answered #super-kame-love #I told myself this was going to be an quick explanation for both #Lol. 10 hours later...#Kashin Koji has reached that level of comfort with her where he can just use his face to piss her off.

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one-leaf-grimoire · 4 years

Text

“illusion”

Chapter 12

Finally, another chapter!!!! I think you will enjoy this one 0.0

Warning: VERY SEXY CHAPTER. ORAL SEX. :)))

I've never slept a whole night with someone before. Lawrence never stays after he's gotten what he wants, leaving me alone to curl up in my misery. Of course, Alice and I have had sleepovers where we shared the bed, but not like... this. When I open my eyes the next morning, stirred by the singing of the earliest bird outside, it takes me a moment to remember why someone's arms are wrapped around me so tight, their legs tangled with mine, and their face buried into the back of my head. Once the memory fades into my drowsy mind, I can't help but smile.

Because, despite how I arguably embarrassed myself last night, Julius is still here, holding me tight as he snores away.

None of it really makes sense, at least not yet. To be perfectly honest, I didn't know Julius would actually... feel something for me. The most I was hoping for was a one-night-stand, fueled by that fleeting moment of hunger in the hallway. The way he looked at me then, I knew I could get at least that much. I didn't expect him to grab hold and not let go, to show genuine interest in me, not just my body. It's foreign... something Lawrence never wanted to give me. Yeah, he would hold my hand, he would fuck me, but he wouldn't cuddle me at all, much less like this.

Part of me warns against hope. But everything else is telling me to hold on tight myself.

Despite the warm feelings that flood my chest at the thought, I can't just hang around here forever. I crane my neck (pretty difficult in this position) and see that it's nearly 7 am on the clock. Breakfast is at 7:30, so people will be walking around the base soon. I can't be seen coming out of Julius's room in just my nightgown! If someone sees me, they'll talk, and before I know it, Lawrence is going to be knocking at the door demanding an explanation! UGh- There's nothing more I want to do than snuggle back next to Julius and sleep the day away, but it's too risky. With a heavy heart, I start to try and remove myself from him.

Emphasis on "try." The moment I move, Julius's grip tightens and he silently curls up around me. It's almost suffocating at this point, like some snake wrapped around its prey! "Uh- Julius- I need to go-" I whisper meekly, not sure there's anything I can do.

"...no you don't." Julius finally speaks, his voice still weighted with sleep. His leg slides over mine and hooks around, trapping me further. "Stay here... just a few more minutes."

It's not like I have a choice, but something tells me that I was looking for a reason to stay. "Alright, fine." I relax into his hold, and I feel him smile against my skin, satisfied that he's won this small battle. His grip loosens, as if he's melting, and for a brief moment in time, I melt, too.

...but... I still don't get it.

I feel his lips again, this time on my cheek, the light touches like a butterfly alighting upon me. I have to squeeze my eyes shut and hold in a giggle at the sensation, a movement he picks up on. Julius chuckles to himself, still sleepy, his lips trailing down my neck and leaving delicate kisses behind. "How did you sleep?" he finally mumbles, his thumb drawing small circles over the hand he's holding. "I hope I didn't snore to loud."

"No, it was nice," I whisper back, his voice somehow grounding me more in reality. "Your bed is so comfy."

"You can sleep here every night, if you want. For- er- safety reasons."

I let out a soft laugh, and I hear him join me. "Maybe... we'll see."

"We'll see-" he repeats, then lets out a sigh. It's almost... sad. "Sorry... it's been a while since I slept next to someone."

Huh? Really? I have to resist the urge to turn over and look at his face. That's surprising... Julius has a lot of admirers, it would be easy for him to invite someone into his bed. But maybe, he has the same problem I do... the only love I knew was the physical kind, a selfish, lustful love that left me drained and disoriented. I remember the way Elia and the other girls talk about him, and how I even looked at him... like he was a piece of meat ready to consume.

He's like me, isn't he? He's... lonely.

"...I'm sorry."

"Hmm? For what?"

Love... I don't know if I'm ready to even say that word. Somewhere deep inside, the feelings coming off of Julius make something very clear... the potency of this feeling almost scares me. And for whatever reason, I'm the one in his sights, but instead of it being an honor, it seems like a burden. I'm a lost cause, right? My perception of love is skewed, ruined. And I know, if I turn around and look in his eyes... I'll get lost in them. I'll drown, because when it comes to love... I just can't swim.

"...nothing."

........................................

"So??? How was it!!!?"

Alice is waiting for me by the time I sneak back to my own room, promising to see Julius again at breakfast. "Um... good?" I deflect the question before turning to my dresser. "It went like you would expect it..." In reality, it did not go at all how I expected it, but at least now I don't have to lie to Alice.

"Awww, come ooooon~" Alice whines, rolling over to keep watching me. "Tell me the deets!!!

Uh oh. I avert my eyes and focus on stripping down and pulling on my uniform. "Well... it was very nice. But more than that..." I pause my dressing for a moment, a little smile playing on my lips. "He was nice... I don't know, maybe it's just because I've been with an asshole all my life, but Julius..."

"Ewww, never mind, if you're going to start talking about love stuff!" I turn and give Alice a disgruntled look, which causes her to peel back off into laughter. "Kidding! I'm happy for you, really." She sits up and swings her legs off the bed. "So, do you have a plan? Like- with Lawrence?"

"Not yet... I have to keep it secret for now," I tell her, pulling my robe over my head. "So you keep your mouth shut, you hear?"

"Got it!" Alice smirks and gives me a faux-salute. "And you keep your mouth shut, too... I'm sure it's hard to keep quiet when he's inside you-"

"ALICE."

Despite that just being a little joke, something starts to worry me as we make our way down to breakfast together. I feel... guilty. I know I shouldn't, but I do. God! If only I had held it together last night, I would have actually gotten laid... by a guy who actually cares about me, too. My ears start to heat up at the mere thought of it, but it's accompanied by a pleasant hunger in my belly that's definitely not the result of it being mealtime. I'm sure he meant it when he said he was fine with just sleeping, and he definitely enjoyed cuddling... but... I wouldn't blame him if he were a bit frustrated. Julius is lonely... I feel like I deprived him of something he needed.

It's a ridiculous thought, Julius hasn't demanded anything from me. But still... I want to give it to him. I want to know what it feels like with someone I actually like. Have I missed my chance?

No... there's going to be many more chances. Even today. It's only morning, after all! I'm sure another chance will come up if I'm patient.

Spoiler alert: I'm not patient in the slightest.

"Good morning, you two! My, you're looking radiant."

I thought Alice would be the one I have to rein in when it comes to my secret, but as soon as Julius sees us, I realize that it's him. He's already sitting at the table, fork in hand, but it falls to the table when his eyes land on me, and a big dumb smile becomes plastered on his face. Uh oh... don't be obvious, Julius!!!! I gulp and give him a nervous smile, hoping that none of the others already here will pick up on all the tension. "Oh... thank you! You look pretty good... yourself?"

Alice is nearly drawing blood as she bites her lip, dragging me to sit down next to her at the table. Julius simply chuckles a little to himself and thankfully remains silent, although his eyes don't leave my face the whole time.

"What's got you looking so happy this morning?" Elia finally slides into the seat next to me, sourly looking at my face.

"Huh? Oh-" I shrug, quickly busying myself with my food. "I uh- just had a good time at the lake yesterday."

Elia obviously doesn't believe me but doesn't pursue the subject. "Fine. Keep your secrets."

"Hey girls!"

We look over to see Giles and Nigel walking in, plates piled high with food. Those two are unmatched in how much they can eat. "Hey losers-" Alice counters. "Where's Wren? He usually comes down with you."

"Apparently he got called to a meeting with the captain," Nigel snickers. "Sounded kind of serious... maybe he's in trouble!"

"That would be funny," Elia adds, glancing at me out of the corner of her eye. "maybe he'll get kicked out."

"Or imprisoned!"

"Or exiled-"

More laughter comes from my friends, but I can't bear to join in. All I can do is smile weakly and eat, hoping that I'm wrong and one of them didn't drug me that night.

"Hey... look-" Alice grabs my shoulder, her voice hushed, and gestures casually down the table. More of the senior knights are here, but I know exactly who she's talking about. "Guess who hasn't stopped staring at you since we got here?"

Oh boy. Cautiously. I glance over and see that Julius is indeed staring at me, almost dazed-looking, his head tilted slightly as it rests on his hands. His food is going cold for sure by now, but...

AhH! JULIUS!! Don't be so obvious... anyone looking at you right now will know something is up- His buddy Elger, who's sitting next to him, has noticed, and stares at Julius with a weird look on his face. I quickly look away before he can connect the dots, but it might already be too late. "Ignore him!"

Alice giggles. "My, you must have really rocked his world last night-"

"ALICE."

Even after the conversation moves on, I can feel those eyes burning into my skin. Butterflies swarm in my stomach, but at the core of it is excitement. It takes everything in me to not stare back at him, make bedroom eyes, and let him whisk me away somewhere private. Well... that's not such a bad idea...

I still want him. Even if I have the rest of the day ahead of me, I want him now.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"To wash my dish! I'm not that hungry." I smooth out my cloak after I stand up, making sure to talk loud enough that the other end of the table can hear. "See you guys soon." With that, I turn and sashay off, fighting the urge to glance back at the table. All I can do is hope that this vague plan works...

But of course it does.

"Heyya."

As soon as I finish washing my dishes, Julius is already up and leaning against the kitchen doorframe, his usual smile on his face. "Oh, hi!" I greet, giving him a smile of my own. My pulse quickens as I struggle to move onto the next phase of my plan. Luckily, he does it for me.

"Want to go talk in private?"

"...yeah!"

And so, we head off upstairs, to his office. The entire walk there is filled with tension, so thick I could choke. I barely notice when he shuts the door behind us, I'm so lost in my thoughts. Now what? I'm not used to taking this type of initiative... oooh, what if he thinks I'm being to presumptuous? No, no,of course not... well-

"So... I've been thinking." Julius suddenly speaks before I can get my first word in. "We should start seriously sizing everyone up, and figure out who might be our culprits."

"...huh?" I blink, so lost in my self-made adrenaline that I can't immediately catch up.

Julius frowns. "You know? The ones who attacked you?"

"OH. Right!" I connect the dots and let out a nervous laugh. Get yourself together! Don't look like an idiot, at least... "Right, right, right... it's not fun to think about, but I suppose I have to."

"I'm sorry." Julius moves over to his desk and leans against it, his feet planted firmly on the ground. My eyes drift over his strong legs before quickly flickering away. Now that we're having an important conversation, I can't just derail it by jumping him right now... despite how delicious he looks.

"Are you okay?"

Fuck! I just started going off into another daze. I jump a little as I feel his hand on my shoulder, and I blush a little as I let myself look up at his concerned face. "I know it's overwhelming, but I want to get to the bottom of this, okay?" I nod slowly, prompting him to lean in and press a sweet kiss to my forehead. I can't help but let a smile flicker on my face for a moment. "You know what you mean to me now... we can talk about this more later, though, okay?"

"...okay..." I lean forward and press my face into his chest, a gesture he accepts eagerly. The safe feeling of his arms around me threatens to make me melt right then and there, but then I realize that I have an opening.

"Julius?"

"Mhmm?"

"I was... uh... thinking."

"Thinking? Really?" I pinch his arm as he teases me with mock-disbelief. "About what?"

"...about..." I gulp, glad he can't see my face right now. "er... l-last night."

It's hardly noticeable, but I feel his grip shift at the words, just enough to make me realize that he's been thinking about it, too.

"Is that so?" His voice hasn't changed, still calm and comforting. "What about it?"

"You know..."

He finally gives me a real reaction, a soft laugh that I feel more than hear. "Right... I had a good time, you know."

A little pang of guilt hits me again. "Did you?"

"...yeah!" He suddenly pulls back to smile down at me, his narrowed eyes taking in my embarrassed face. "I always have a good time with you."

"Yeah, but- uh-" I feel a little frustration. I don't want him to think I'm so timid after last night! That was just a fluke! He's being so careful with me... I need to be more aggressive!

"I mean it, don't worry." Julius's hand lands on my head and strokes it softly, which incidentally gives me an idea. "I thought I made it pretty clear... you're special to me, and even though I'd love to go farther with you, I want to go at a rate you're comfortable with- AH! W-what are you doing-?"

Julius cuts himself off, his voice wavering nervously as I suddenly kneel down in the middle of his little spiel. "I'm showing you that I'm perfectly fine with this rate- or whatever-" I tell him quickly, willing myself forward before I chicken out. I run my hands up his thighs, my heart skipping beats with every band of muscle I feel. "I mean... if you want me to?" I look up at him through my eyelashes, my lip pouting just slightly. I might be naive about a lot of things... but I know how to get what I want.

The concern in Julius's eyes fades slightly, not quite disappearing all the way, but it's replaced by something else. Almost like curiosity... but more than anything, want.

"... go on."

I give him a little grin, finally letting my hands continue sliding up. Julius sucks in a little breath, for the most part silent as he stares down at me, his mouth twitching just slightly as I avoid his crotch and go for his belt instead. The anticipation is killing me, and it must be doing the same to him, but I will myself to be patient and make him so hungry for it, he can't resist. I want him to let go of his fear, and let himself pull me close, to let me in. He's a lonely man, and I want to help... in whatever way I can. And right now, this is how I do it.

"Here, let me help-"

Julius is quick to reach down and make quick work of the belt I was fumbling with, the zipper quickly following. Last night, I got to feel him up but couldn't actually get a look at him since I... passed out and all. But now, there's nowhere else to look as he pulls the front of his pants down and lets his already-stiff cock spring out at me.

Oh shit-

It's bigger than I remember feeling last night, and I can't help but stare for a long moment, my mouth slightly open. I'm drooling, yeah, but it's also very intimidating. And it doesn't help when I feel that hand on the back of my head, pulling me in. "Take your time... but not too much time." Julius bites his lip and glances at the door. "We are in a shared office after all."

He's right, and I give a little nod before finally leaning in and letting my tongue dart out. Julius nearly spasms when I go right for the sensitive tip, sucking once before pulling off and kissing lightly around the spot. "Oh, you have a little technique?" he asks, his voice still steady.

"What did you expect?" I mumble back, fighting off a blush as I catch a glance of him staring at me. "I'm not innocent... not that innocent." To express my point, I lick up his length once deliberately, finally getting a reaction. I feel his knees wobble slightly, and his hand suddenly knots in my hair.

"Of course not... you'll be good and innocent for me, though, won't you?"

The words send a pleasant chill down my neck, the soft growl in his voice, stirring many forgotten emotions within me. This is nothing like it is with Lawrence. It's not so much a demand when Julius pushes me down onto his cock, softly moaning as I finally get to work some magic. It's... a plead. "Ah- y-ou're good that this-" Julius breathes out, his hand pushing me faster, more deliberately. He's coming undone, a lot quicker than he expected, and despite the way his cock chokes me and tears form at the corner of my eyes, I almost smile. This is what I wanted, for him to feel good because of something I'm doing. He only pauses once to sit down in his chair, his limbs weakening. I take the opportunity to pull myself off and smirk up at him, my cheek resting against his inner thigh while my hand teasingly strokes him. "Enjoying yourself?"

"What do you think?" Julius, despite being out of breath, flashes me a grin, his hand stroking down to my neck once. "Don't tell me you're getting tired." I shake my head quickly. "Good girl."

I lean back down to continue, this time his hand restricting my movements, slowing them. Despite saying that we needed to be quick, Julius is taking his time now, determined to milk me (or- er- himself-) for all I'm worth. I can't help but think about Lawrence in the moment, how he would react one day once I leave him to take the arm of my gorgeous vice captain. How indignant he would be, how enraged to find out that I willingly pleasured this man. Every aspect of this experience...

It's thrilling.

He starts poking into the back of my throat, and I whimper slightly at the foreign feeling, struggling to keep taking it. Despite how I was talking before, my stamina is terrible and I'm not sure if I'm going to hold on for much longer. "I'm almost there, baby, I promise-" Julius grunts out, one hand gripping the side of his desk while the other starts setting an unmerciful place. I just weakly whine in response, my throat starting to burn a bit. "You're being so good- I'm going to make you cum so fucking hard after this-" The promise makes another jolt of adrenaline go through me, the thought of him doing this to me quite exciting. "God- ah-"

Just as he starts to lose himself, something grabs his attention. Maybe it's a sixth sense, or maybe he was using his time magic to check ahead, but Julius freezes up before he reaches a climax. I blink my eyes open to see his own widening, a look of shock and fear on his face.

"Fuck-"

There's no time to hide. Just as the word leaves his mouth, the door swings open and the other vice captain Malota walks in. Julius lets out a squawk of surprise and nearly jumps in his seat in a vain attempt to react, but only manages to knock his knee super hard against the bottom of his desk. "YOUCH-" The shout leaves his mouth as he panics, disoriented, horny, and scared.

"Julius-"

The only good thing about this situation is that I'm hidden behind his desk, and from where Malota is standing right now, she can't see me. But still, she stops in her tracks at Julius's reaction, arching a thin brow as he does nothing but sit there and pant, slowly turning red.

"Julius... were you-" A look of slight disgust crosses her vulture-like features, and her eyes just glance down at the table, very aware of the presence behind it, before rising back up to her comrade's embarrassed face.

"You know what... I don't want to know."

Without another word, Malota swiftly turns around and races out of the room, her face becoming indifferent again. A moment later, the door slams shut, and the two of us are left alone once again.

"... "

Neither of us dare to move. Julius's eyes stay fixed on the door as Malota's footsteps fade away, before looking back down at me. He lets out a soft sigh, the corners of his mouth twitching at the sight of me staring up at him with his cock still in my mouth (it's not like I had time to move! And plus, the hand on my neck is heavy-). "That was... close."

He finally lets go, and I draw in a shaky breath as I sit up, my throat awfully dry after the recent abuse it just received. "S-she didn't see me, did she-"

"No, no, she didn't!" Julius assures me, glancing at the door again, his fingers deftly brushing the hair out of my face. "Malota wouldn't care anyway, don't worry." he gives me a reassuring smile before licking his lips a little. "So... are you-"

Wait, he wants me to continue? After we got walked in on?! I blink a few times, too aghast to say anything at the moment. Julius laughs sheepishly. "I mean, she's probably not coming back, right?"

"...right..."

Somehow, I find myself smiling once again. Julius mirrors it, his pulse quickening as he grabs the back of my head again. "I think we're going to get along famously."

Julius doesn't beat around the bush this time. He thrusts down my throat again and again, his hips raising just slightly to meet my lips each time, his hands guiding me at his pace. I handle it a lot better this time, feeling satisfied every time he moans under my touch. He doesn't say anything, but I know he's getting close by the way his movements become sloppy, and his cock twitches needily. I give him exactly what he wants, sucking hard for a few thrusts. And that's it- With one last pleasured sound, Julius pushes me down and cums, hard. I wasn't planning on spitting anything out, but I still gag a bit as his release hits my throat, hot and thick and almost too much for me to handle.

For a few blissful moments, he just sits there, tensed up with his eyes squeezed shut. Then, finally, he lets go of me.

Not completely, though. His hands gently take hold of my shoulders as I sit up and cough a little, taking a few deep breaths through my nose. I'm a little dizzy and can't really see through my blurry eyes, but I feel overwhelming satisfaction. I did it... Julius, you're mine, you hear! I want to make him feel like this, again and again, and for him to do the same to me. Maybe love is something I can't handle right now... but I can let myself be close to him.

Eventually... love will follow.

The sensation of his fingers on my face pulls me from my thoughts. Julius chuckles, worn out, and traces the corners of my lip with a fingertip. "You missed some-" he states, swiping up the remains of his cum and pushing his finger into my mouth. I whine a little at the movement but get my revenge by sucking once. Julius sucks in a breath and quickly removes the digit. "Ah ah- don't tease me, or I'll have to punish you~"

"Punish?" I repeat, reaching up and rubbing my eyes. When I blink them open again, I can see just fine, the blur of the passionate moment gone. "I thought I deserved a reward."

"Oh, that's right. Here-"

Before I can do anything, his hands close around my waist and hoist me up, so easily that it makes me squeak out in surprise. The moment he set me down on the desk, his lips are on mine, his arms holding me as close as can be. I eagerly kiss back, my sore jaw enjoying the respite, and reach up to cup his face with my hands. Julius pulls back just enough to look into my eyes, and the look of sparkling admiration in his own catches me off guard. "What?"

"Hmm?" Julius seems to almost be lost in thought. "Oh, it's just... I like you."

"...?" I frown a little. Isn't that obvious? "Well, that's good to know."

A little laugh comes from his nose, and his goofy smile widens. "No, I mean- Ah, you're full of surprises, and I like that... not just with this... kind of stuff, but also with- you know-" Julius's words are fumbled, almost incoherent He finally spares himself and cuts himself off with a shake of his head. "Never mind, don't listen to me, I'm just being an old sap."

Despite his sheepishness, I somehow understand what he was trying to say. With just a little difficulty, I lean up and kiss his forehead softly. "It's okay... I feel the same way, Julius."

"...I'm glad. Thank you."

With that, he buries himself back into my embrace, our lips moving so perfectly that it seems like they were made for each other. I close my eyes and start to get lost again, pure joy overtaking all logic and guilt in my mind. For a brief moment, Lawrence doesn't exist, my attacker doesn't exist, nothing does... nothing in this world matters but him.

At least, just for that moment. Because the door slams open a minute later.

"Julius! Sorry to interrupt again, but-"

Both of us scream and whirl around, still holding each other, to see Malota run in again. For the first time, the emotion on her face seems real, the shock of seeing me, a girl engaged to a prince, being kissed by Julius. We sit there in silence for a moment, but then, in true Malota fashion, she sighs deeply, all emotion leaving her face.

"...I won't ask... but-" She straightens up. "We're leaving."

"Leaving?" Julius repeats nervously. I can feel his heart racing through his chest. "What's happening?"

"Apparently the Diamond Kingdom's been attacking the border since yesterday-" Malota explains, shocking us both. "But the Crimson Lion Kings were sent to handle it in secret. Now we're being called in."

We're being called in... wait... A jolt of fear shoots through me. That means... the Crimson Lions failed! The Diamond Kingdom beat them?!

"I see- the whole squad is going?"

"Yes. Our briefing is in 2 minutes." We can hear footsteps all around the base now, thundering urgently in the rush to get ready. "Be down there beforehand."

"Right." Julius's face is stony now, but flinches slightly as Malota turns to leave again. "Er- Malota- about this-"

"Don't worry. I don't care anyway-" Malota assures him before disappearing once again.

With a deep sigh, Julius lets go of me, helping me get off the desk. "I'm sorry," he apologizes, still looking pale. "She saw us- I should have been more careful."

"Maybe... but we have a bigger problem now." That familiar pre-battle feeling is already coursing through my veins. Trying to ignore the dread balling up inside me, I reach down and take his hand one last time.

The Diamond Kingdom...

Maybe, for a moment, the world didn't exist. But now, it's crashing down on all of us.

#spicy #illusion #fic #julius novachrono x reader #julius novachrono #black clover #ajksdlfjsdkl I'm the worst-#slow burn? don't know her

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marvelfangirllll · 4 years

Text

Not quite the French Mistake

Supernatural X reader

I am (y/n) fan of the series supernatural. I didn't get the chance to watch it as soon as it came out but I did get into it at a fair time to be able to watch the ending of it. I like to say I'm a pretty big fan but chances are there's always someone else. I've never had the chance to go to a con. I also have just enough merchandise to keep me happy but I'll definitely get more when I'm not broke. I have always had trouble with my universe and it's reality. I've always craved to go into one of my Fandom world's, this was even before I got into supernatural. If I had got to go to any of their worlds supernatural would definitely have to be it.

I decide then desire to play online to see if there could be any spells on the internet to help me with my dream but of course they all are dream based and then there was the one spell from the supernatural episode the French mistake. Which of course I can't perform as I can't exactly get the ingredients unnoticed but I also definitely didn't have an angel. I then go to the bathroom sometime after midnight but earlier then the sun coming up and decide "why not" and preform my own little spell. I then draw the sigil from the French mistake using some shampoo and then shut the bathroom light off and grab a candle the closest one being battery operated and play Carry on my Wayward son by Kansas on my phone just loud enough for me to hear and not wake anyone sleeping.

While doing that, that's when I felt dizzy and suddenly fainted. I had woke up in a place familiar to my memories but not in person. That's when I looked around and walked around to realize I was in the men of letters bunker. "Holy shit was my whole life a lie and I'm really an actor for supernatural" I say to myself. I look around and see no cameras or anything movie related. Am I actually am in supernatural? I notice I'm at the top of the stair and decide to walk down them only to trip on my own feet and tumble down. "Son of a bitch" I say not realizing I yelled. "Dean are you okay" in came a moose or am I having a concussion. He pulls me up and into a seat. "Are you okay" he asks and grabs an ice pack. "Yeah I think so" I say. "Good now WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE" His voice booms as he holds a knife to my throat. "I was messing around and got here I didn't know it was possible" I squeak. "You have full permission to cut my arm and holy water me to prove I'm not a monster". He then moves the blade and I'm fine but since slightly "I don't need your permission" he then splashes holy water on my face. "How did you know that though? Are you a hunter" he says putting his stiff away. "Something like that". I say cleaning up the wound with the stuff he gave me. That's when Dean walks in from the front door. "Well hello sweetheart" Dean says. "Always the charmer" I say. "How'd you know that" Sam says. Luckily I didn't have to answer as Cas popped in. "Who's this" he says with his iconic head tilt. "Well as none of you know me I'm (Y/N" I say with my fist out to fist bump. Cas flinches back. "Don't try to hit me" he says. "I apologize if I offended you I'm just not the handshake type and pretty sure you won't be okay if I hug you as I don't know you" I say.

"Hey (Y/N) what did you you mean when you said you were messing around and didn't know it was possible to get here" Sam says. "Wait so you didn't invite her, she just appeared? Dean says eating his pie at the table next to everyone standing.

"Balls, well I'm not from around here" I scratch the back of my head nervous. "Well then we can take you home" Dean pipes in. "No you can't, and just maybe....maybe I don't want to go home" I say quote with the last part. "All I got to say is two simple things for you to understand" I pinch myself to make sure that I am surely not dreaming. "Yeah and what's that" the Winchesters said at the same time. "Here goes nothing but Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles" I let out. "Your from the alternative world" they said in union. "Chances are with Balthazar's help you could send me back but I don't like living in a world so boring I long for magic and monsters and adventure in my life". I quickly stop rambling "plus I know almost everything about hunting and research and your lives not to be creepy. I've never actually hunted but I can help just don't send me back, at least let me have some time here before you try to force me back" I continue on. They look at eachother and go to talk amongst themselves. A few moments later they come back. "Welcome to Team Free Will (Y/n)" they say.

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ratwrites · 5 years

Text

Lies In Paradise 2/2

Requests.

Masterlist.

Prompt/s: "I don't need a babysitter."

Summary: Sam stays with (Y/N) after the Jinn attack.

Warnings: Lil angst? Fluff

Pairing: Sam Winchester X Reader

Word Count: 3,987

A/N: Not gonna lie I totally lost interest in this ;-; So this is just a little quick happy ending thing. I'm working on some other things to get my creative juices flowing. Trying to write through my block

[[MORE]]

I carried her outside panic clenching hard on my heart while guilt tugged at my gut. This my was fault... I shouldn't have let her go alone. She was limp in my arms as I carried her to the impala. I glanced back spotting Dean close behind me. In one arm he held a young boy and in his other was a girl about her size. The boy was wide awake while the girl seemed a little out of it. I carefully opened the back door letting Dean slide his load in first. I didn't want to let go of her.

"Come on Sam, we've got to get them to the hospital," Dean growled. I convinced myself to let go setting her in the back seat. The other girl gently laid her across her lap. I gave her a nod of thanks before closing the door and getting into the passenger seat.

I sat in the hospital waiting room with Dean. My arms rested across my knees allowing my head to hang. My mind was racing. I shouldn't have let her go alone. I ran a hand through my hair the panic still holding onto my heart. I couldn't calm down. "Dylan?" My head shot up. Dean and I jumped out of or seats and headed toward the doctor.

"How is she? Is she alright?" I asked, nervously.

"And how are the kids?" Dean added.

"They're all doing fine. You found them just in time. If your friend or the girl would've lost anymore blood there would be nothing to help them," he explained, calmly. I let out a sigh of relief my heart relaxing a little.

"Their parents have been called. Thank you both," the doctor added, bowing his head.

"May we see her?" I questioned, running a hand through my hair again. The doctor nodded before walking away. We followed after him until he stopped outside her door.

"You check on her, I'm going to check on the kids," Dean said. I nodded and went into her room. To my surprise she was awake.

"Hey Sam," she rasped, turning her head toward me.

"How are you feeling?" I asked, coming to her bedside. I stood only for a moment before pulling a chair over. She coughed, looking away for a moment.

"Little tired, but I've had worse," she chuckled, roughly. Her voice was weak and hoarse. I frowned slightly.

"I'm so sorry-"

"Don't start." She cut me off. I tilted my head in confusion.

"It isn't- your fault Sam," she said. I opened my mouth to speak, but she cut me off.

"I let my guard down when I saw the girl. That was my mistake," she explained.

"But I-"

"Sam, I went alone because I wanted to. It isn't your fault. I can see it in your eyes- you're blaming yourself... And you don't need to," she finished. I breathed in to speak again but silenced myself as her hand gently rested over mine. Without thinking I shifted intertwining our fingers.

The softest smile I'd ever seen crossed her perfect lips. The panic left me and was replaced with warmth. I stroked her thumb with mine taking a monent to scan my gaze over her face. She was paler than she normally was, but the color was slowly returning to her cheeks and face. Her eyes sparkled even through the dull color that currently occupied her eyes. Her smile held sending butterflies into my stomach. Only one person had ever made me experience such happiness in the roughest times. My heart sank slightly. She was another fine example of how people got hurt around me. I slowly released her hand looking away.

"It's funny... The Jinn showed me everything I've ever wanted.." She huffed, looking up at the ceiling. I turned my gaze back to her.

"What did it show you?" I asked, curiously. She let out a puff of laughter.

"I had my family.. I was married and I lived a normal life as an art teacher..." She sighed, sadness crossing her expression. I stayed silent.

"I had everyone.. My sister, my brothers, my dad, Dean..." She hesitated. "You."

I raised my brows in surprise. My curiosity continued to grow as did my hopes. I'd tried to bury the feelings I had for her, but everytime I thought I was in the clear she'd do something else to remind me of how perfect she was. I'd wanted to tell her for a long time, but I couldn't.

"We had a dog," she added, laughing again. My ears caught at we. We? What did she mean we? When she says married.. Did she mean us? I tried to clear my head. Her eyes met mine and I held it.

"I wanted to stay honestly.." She murmured, looking away her smile fading.

"I had everything I ever could've had..." The question pushed at me.

"Why didn't you?" She looked back at me catching my gaze again.

"I-" she looked away for a moment before catching me again.

"I saw a little boy... When- when I grabbed him I heard..." she hesitated.

"Heard what?" I encouraged.

"I heard you.. Yelling for me.." She continued. My heart stopped.

"I could hear you for a split second calling out to me..." I didn't know what to say so instead I waited.

"I couldn't leave you, which is ironic because you tried to stop me from going too," she huffed. I couldn't help myself as I reached forward taking her hand in mine once more. She squeezed my hand lightly. Her face was sad and it broke me.

"Plus, apparently Dean didn't give me my bracelet and I couldn't live without that damn thing," she giggled, trying to lighten the mood. The sadness on her face only faded a little.

"Damn right you couldn't. You never take it off for christ sake." Dean's voice startled me. I wasn't sure how long he'd been there, but I didn't really care. He came to stand next to me resting a hand on my shoulder. I didn't let go of her hand and she didn't pull away.

"How are ya kid?" Dean asked, calmly.

"I've been better," she said, coughing briefly. Dean chuckled.

"Both of the kids are going to be okay. The little boy is actually going to be discharged in the morning. The Jinn barely got anything out of him before we got there," Dean explained, looking back at the door.

"What about the girl I saw when I got there?" She questioned, sitting up a little more.

"She'll be released in a week or so, but we can get you released now if you want," Dean replied. She let out a sigh of relief.

"Get me the hell out of here. I hate hospitals," she pleaded. I frowned looking up at Dean.

"Maybe that isn't such a good idea. We've got a long drive ahead of us and you need to rest," I countered. She frowned playfully at me.

"I can sleep in the car, plus, isn't there an angel back at the bunker?" She corrected. She had a point. Cas could definitely get her back on her feet in a matter of seconds.

"I'll go get the discharge papers then," Dean said, before wandering out of the room. I turned my full attention back to her looking her over again.

"Are you sure you want to do this? You shouldn't really be up and about so soon." I was concerned about her. She rolled her eyes.

"Help me sit up, will you?" I stood from the chair pushing it aside. I gently reached behind her splaying my hand along her back as she began to sit up. My other hand was braced on her shoulder to steady her. She seemed to tense under my touch which was odd. She shifted with a grunt swinging her legs off of the bed. A nurse entered the room with Dean on her heels. The nurse frowned, but began to unhook her from the machines, silently. I stepped aside taking my place next to Dean.

"Are we sure about this?" I questioned, glancing at my brother.

"She said she wanted out so that is what we're doing. I agree Sam, she shouldn't be going anywhere, but I can remember being in her position and I didn't want to be stuck in a bed either," Dean replied, eyeing her.

"Your clothes are in the drawer miss, and the bathroom is just over there," the nurse instructed. She nodded in response digging out her clothes. Instinctively I moved to her side gently taking her arm and helping her toward the bathroom. Once inside I stood in the doorway.

"You gonna stand there or close the door?" She spoke, drawing me from my blank state. My cheeks flushed a light shade of pink as I backed up closing the door. I sighed and walked back over to Dean.

"I hate it," Dean said, suddenly. I glanced over at him giving him a confused look.

"She shouldn't of had to go through that. Coming out of a Jinn's trance is hard," he explained.

"She shouldn't have gone alone. You should've gone with her," Dean continued, blame evident in his voice. The guilt bit at my gut again causing me to look down at my feet. The bathroom door opened drawing my glance. She was wearing the same clothes that were dirty from the warehouse. Dean approached her offering her his arm.

"Shall we?" She hesitated casting a weary glance my way before reluctantly taking Dean's arm. He began to lead her and I followed behind at a sulking pace.

The drive back to the bunker was quiet. She'd fallen asleep about an hour in which gave Dean time to call Cas. I stared in the side mirror watching her sleep behind my seat with her head rested against the cool window. Her face held the same expression it did when we found her. I looked away watching the road ahead as we pulled into the bunker's gravel driveway.

Dean drove the impala into the garage parking it. I unbuckled and reached over the seat resting a hand on her knee. I shook it gently. I swiftly let go as she shot up from the window with a gasp.

"Whoa easy," Dean said, looking back at her. We got out of the car and I helped her. She leaned against me as we walked allowing me to guide her steps.

"You okay?" I asked, gently. She didn't answer only leaning harder against my side. I wrapped my arm around her shoulder keeping her safely locked against me as we walked. I understood her silence. I'd learned the hard way not to push the matter if she didn't want to discuss it.

Cas met us at the entrance to the library taking her from my side and sitting her down in one of the wooden chairs.

"Can you heal her?" Dean questioned, knowing full well that Cas could. Castiel nodded.

"I'd like to look at the full extend of what the Jinn did to you if that's alright," Castiel began, placing his hand on her forehead. She nodded her approval closing her eyes. We watched in silence as a dim light glowed from his palm. I could make out the movement of her eyes under her eyelids. Cas was reading her. Her grip on the chair tightened suddenly before her eyes shot open with another gasp. Castiel pulled his hand back. I took a worried step forward, but paused. Their eyes met and a sympathic look crossed Castiel. Cas sent me the same glance for a moment rising more questions in me. What did he see? Why did he look at me? What scared her?

"Relax for me again," Castiel ordered. With a shaky breath she closed her eyes again. Castiel repeated the same movements except this time the color returned to her face and cheeks. He backed off again and her eyes opened. Their bright color had returned as well.

"You should get some rest. You may feel unwell for a day or two," Castiel suggested. She yawned clearly not going to argue.

"Cas, can I talk to you?" The angel looked toward Dean and nodded before following him out of the room. She stood from the chair swaying a little on her feet. I didn't ask as I took my place at her side again offering her my arm to help her walk. She took it without hesitation.

I walked her to her room and opened the door for her. I helped her to her bed sitting her down. I had to try.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked, quietly. She shook her head before lying herself down. I took that as my cue.

"If you need anything I'm just down the hall," I offered. She didn't respond. I left her room closing the door behind me. Castiel met me outside my own room which was just down the hall from hers.

"Sam, it would be wise to give her some space," Castiel encouraged.

"After what she has gone through and what she has seen it would be unwise to push your presence on her," he added, almost as if he was threatening me. I let out a sigh.

"Can you tell me what she saw?" My mind replayed the things she had said in the hospital, but I still had unanswered questions bouncing in the back of my mind. He shook his head firmly before walking away. I went into my room closing the door. I was tired. I dropped stomach first onto my bed not bothering to make myself comfortable as I very quickly drifted off.

I jolted awake to a loud cry and a thud. I snatched my gun from under my pillow and ran from my room searching for the noise. My eyes were tired with sleep, but I forced them open alarm going through me. The cry sounded again signaling that it was from her room. I moved swiftly and quietly down the hall my gun drawn and ready. With one movement I opened her door. In the dark I could make out her form on the floor sitting with her legs drawn up to her chest.

I entered the room sitting my gun on her dresser. I dropped down in front of her and reached out for her. She jumped and scrambled back for a moment. I could make out the fear glazing her eyes. "Hey, hey, it's just me, you're-" I grunted as she lunged forward her arms sliding around my neck. Her face buried itself between her arm and my neck. I stayed on my knees wrapping one arm around her lower back and the other across her shoulder blades. Her body trembled against me. I pressed my face into her shoulder rubbing my thumb against her lower back.

I didn't speak as I held onto her taking in the moment. She'd never clung to me like this before and it was odd. After a few minutes she slowly began to let go. I didn't want to, but I followed her lead. I stood up helping her back onto her feet. She sat on the edge of the bed taking her face in her hands. I stood in front of her staring down at her.

"Are you okay?" I asked. Shock washed over me again as she reached out and gripped my shirt pulling me to stand between her parted legs. She wrapped her arms around my lower back burying her face into my shirt. I hesitated for a moment before letting my arms fall on her shoulders tucking her closer. She shook her head against me giving me an answer to my question. I rubbed circled into her left shoulder blade hoping to calm her down. She was still shaking against me.

"I keep seeing it..." she muttered, into my shirt. She pulled back letting go of me. I followed. Her eyes met mine.

"I keep- I keep seeing it everytime I close my eyes..." she repeated. I placed myself next to her on the bed positioning myself so that I was facing her.

"Seeing what?" I asked.

"All of it... The life, the people... the escape." A chill ran up her spine at the last words. I stayed silent showing her that she had my full attention. She gulped avoiding eye contact.

"Everytime I close my eyes I see my family, my dad and my sister.. And I keep seeing your mom and dad... Along with you and Dean," she began. I was surprised that John and Mary were in this, but I didn't say anything.

"I keep seeing my sister happily married to.." She paused the anticipation of her answer tugging at me.

"To Dean..." I raised a brow.

"I keep seeing..." she paused again looking in a different direction.

"It's alright," I encouraged, carefully taking her hand in my own. She squeezed my hand a little.

"Us.. I keep seeing us," she said, finally. I tilted my head. Her gaze suddenly met mine in an intense stare.

"We were married Sam," she blurted, tears stinging her eyes. My own eyes widened in surprise my grip on her hand loosening.

"Oh God..." She choked. She stood up pulling away from me.

"I tried so desperately not to... but after I saw that, I can't just forget," she continued, turning to face me. I didn't move from the bed still shocked by her words.

"We were so happy Sam... and I- and I gave it up," she sobbed, turning her back to me again. I slowly stood realization hitting me. She left because of me. She had the perfect life with everything, yet she left it to come back to me.

"You begged me not to go... But I couldn't. He wasn't Sam, he was just- just a dream." Her voice cracked causing my heart to clench.

"So I-" she paused again. I took a few steps toward her. Her hands came up to rest near her collar bone.

"So I slit my throat.." My heart dropped. Dean hadn't ever told me how he managed to wake up from the trance. I suppose when you die in a dream you wake up. She turned to face me once more her head hanging low and her shoulders trembling with each sob. I came forward until I was in front of her again. I reached out and pulled her close trapping her against my chest. Her hands stayed curled between our bodies as she cried.

The feelings I had buried were surging back tenfold. Her fingers tangled into the fabric of my shirt. I continued to rub circles into her back until she relaxed her sobbing calmed down.

"What's going on?" Dean's voice suddenly called. She pulled back from me looking at Dean who stood in her doorway.

"I- I had a nightmare, that's all," she muttered. Dean's cold stare met mine.

"You okay? I know it can be rough after something like that." Dean stayed at the doorway.

"I'm fine." she defended, taking a step back. Her body brushed against mine.

"Best thing to do is to go back to sleep. Yes, you'll probably have another nightmare, but the more you sleep the faster it wears off," Dean explained.

"I can stay with you if you'd like?" Dean suggested. She turned and walked away from the two of us sitting down on her bed. I turned my back to Dean watching her.

"I don't need a babysitter," she warned, looking away from us. I glanced back to Dean who was staring daggers into my back.

"Alright, if you need anything yell." Without another word Dean left. My heart ached for her. Dean was her best friend, yet she was pushing him away. The silence in the room was overwhelming. I had so many questions and so many things I wanted to say, but when I opened my mouth all of those words stayed trapped in my throat.

"Dean's right... I should just go back to sleep," she muttered, looking down at her feet.

"You need to rest anyway, Cas said you shouldn't be up and about for a few days," I agreed.

"I- I'll let you-"

"Please don't leave me," she whined, her head shooting up to look at me. I stared at her for a moment. She'd told Dean she didn't need someone to watch her, yet she was asking me to stay.

"Please." Her voice was so soft. My mind trailed back to what Cas had said to me. He'd warned me to stay away. Screw him. As I walked back to her bed she slid further onto it making herself comfortable on her side. We'd slept in the same bed pleanty of times, but this was different. I sat on the bed leaning my back against the headboard. She moved closer almost snuggling herself against my leg. After a moment I couldn't contain myself. I slid down onto my own side facing her. She flipped the covers over me trapping our bodies under them.

"You don't- have to do this... I understand if what I told you..." She paused.

"If what you told me...?"

"Makes you uncomfortable." She thought that I didn't care about her. She thought that the feelings she had were one sided.

"No, no it doesn't." I had to reassure her. I scooted closer pulling her to me. I draped one arm over her side locking her in.

"I'm glad you told me," I murmured, catching her weary gaze.

"I know with this job, this life, we are supposed to keep the ones we love far away. We can't afford attachments... But I can't keep you away. I can't keep pretending like these feelings... These feelings don't exist," I admitted. Her eyes widened.

"You aren't the only one who has been burying things.." I finished. The silence that fell between us was comforting. Our eyes never left each others.

"Sam I-" she hesitated. I opened my mouth to question, but was stunned to silence as she suddenly moved capturing my lips with hers. Butterflies exploded in my stomach causing me to kiss back. My eyes slid closed allowing myself to take in everything. I'd wanted this for a long time. She shifted her position keeping us together as she pushed my shoulder. I followed her silent comand and rolled onto my back taking her with me. Her upper body rested on mine her arm bracing herself on my chest.

Our kiss finally broke leaving both of us breathless. I opened my eyes to look up at her. Her hair hung down over her shoulders almost touching my face. I reached up brushing a section of it behind her ear. She leaned down and pressed a kiss to my forehead causing me to lean upward into it. She moved back shifting her position until her head rested over my heart. I let one arm slide further up her back holding her close against my side. One of her hands lightly gripped the fabric of my shirt while the other took my free hand intertwining our fingers. I could've sworn I was melting under her touch. She snuggled closer causing my heart rate to flutter. She giggled tiredly her ear resting directly over my heart. "Relax Sam, I don't bite," she yawned. My cheeks turned a light shade of pink.

"You should try and sleep," I mumbled.

"I'm trying, but your voice is rumbling my entire head," she pouted. I couldn't help but chuckle. She raised her head for a moment giving me a playful glare before laying her head back down.

"Thank you for staying with me Sam.." She yawned, taking one last moment to cuddle against me.

"Anything for you," I replied, letting my own eyes slide closed.

Forever Taglist:

@rosierosieelain @xaviersmutcnt @raindrops-on-roses142

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