#Was the final straw for her and why she already starts off being a sociopath (or self-proclaimed) at the events of co09

[kwamiwayzz]

Thinking about the Butch Pizza Delivery Girl-Nicole and Lipstick Lesbian with No Money for the Pizza-Jecka again

For this Alt-Timeline AU, everything Nicole goes through before the events of the first-game still happen except she doesn’t have front row seats to her dad shooting himself, and she doesn’t see any note where he straight up blames her for it. She’s still traumatized, but due to outside circumstances (and maybe someone who gave a shit from one of her school), CPS got involved and Nicole was pulled from that environment which was hell for her at first because of how the foster system works. But eventually, she sorta kinda turns out okay-ish. She still does drugs every now and then, and lowkey still kinda suicidal, but she’s too busy surviving to think about manipulating people for fun. Anyway, I wrote this scrambled set of ideas together in an attempt to even get Nicole to realistically get to the point of sticking with a dead-end pizza delivery job.

I saw someone mention how Jecka would fundamentally have no happy endings unless she cuts off Nicole in Flip Side (now, if that was executed properly in showing the audience that—is a different conversation), so there would still be a growing codependent relationship there after their first meeting in this AU. She just lives an average life, gets decent grades in college, and parties a lot with people who are sorta considered friends but not the kinds who would stick with her thick-and-thin. Most of the friends she has in college are more shallow and for convenience.

So, when they meet after Jecka orders a pizza but didn’t have any money for it (for reasons I’ll come up with later), she and Nicole find some comfort (and codependency) in each other—to the point where they get so attached to each other that they don’t really know what their identities are outside of said relationship because life before meeting each other was so bleak/boring.

—

…the way I was trying to make silly crack AU about that scenario then turned it into this 😩

[dargeereads]

The Game Maker Kitty Thomas Publication date: July 15th 2020 Genres: Adult, Dark Romance, Romance

I was too isolated. I was about to be evicted. I made a final desperate call to the man who ruined my life, but he didn’t come for me.

Someone else did.

And then there was Seven. When I first woke in the cell, I thought he was my captor, but he is a pawn, like me.

Seven is beautiful and kind. I want him so much I can barely breathe. He wants to protect me from our captor, but he can’t.

We are both locked inside a game neither of us can ever hope to win, and even though it’s wrong, I’m starting to want both men, not just the good one… the monster as well.

Goodreads / Amazon / Barnes & Noble / iBooks / Kobo / Google Play

—

EXCERPT:

My head is pounding when I regain consciousness. I can’t bring myself to open my eyes. I’m lying on a hard surface, which seems weird to me. At first I think I’m lying on the ground outside where I passed out, but there are no city noises. Instead, I hear classical music being piped in from a speaker above me.

And I smell… roses. One of those highly fragrant varieties. I must be at Andrew’s place. But why the fuck did he leave me on the ground? It’s at this point that I realize I’m naked. Also, Andrew doesn’t listen to classical music.

Instinctively, I want to bolt upright and cover myself, but I don’t have that kind of reaction time. And it’s a real struggle to open my eyes. When I do, I’m momentarily grateful to be in a dimly lit room.

“A-Andrew?” I croak out. I want to scream at him for dumping me on the ground in his apartment, but I can barely choke his name out. I wait for my eyes to adjust. Everything around me is dark gray, and there’s no furniture in this room.

Cell, my mind hisses at me. I am in a cell.

I push myself off the ground into a sitting position and wait for my vision to go back to normal so I can get a sense of where I am. Did Andrew put me in here? He’s a bigger bastard than I thought. This is when I finally realize I’m not alone.

There’s a large, dark figure sitting on the ground against the far wall.

“Andrew, you piece of shit. What are you doing?”

I probably shouldn’t speak to the person who rescued me from homelessness this way, but I don’t care. He needs to grow the fuck up. I expect him to yell at me or threaten to kick me out, but what I hear instead chills me.

“Who’s Andrew?”

This is definitely not Andrew’s voice. No accent. Plus it’s deeper and more frightening. Suddenly the adrenaline hits me, and I have a sudden burst of speed. I back as far from him as I can until I meet the opposite wall. I shield my breasts from his gaze and shift to a sitting position where he can’t see other private parts—even though I know he’s already seen everything. And possibly done more. I was unconscious after all.

As my vision clears further, it seems that the light in the room gets a little brighter. He’s wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, no shoes. His dark hair looks a bit disheveled. He’s very attractive. Heart-stoppingly beautiful, actually. It’s the kind of unearthly beauty that makes me feel relieved for a moment because I know I’m still passed out. This is a weird dream. I just know it is.

It’s not a dream, whispers the same evil internal voice that decided to tell me I was in a cell.

It takes several minutes before my mind is willing to accept what has happened. I don’t know if someone put something in my drink or if I was just that drunk. I don’t know how long this man stalked me before he took me, but I know I’m looking at the man who kidnapped me.

And now the tears come. It takes every ounce of willpower not to break down into hysterical sobs. This reaction is making a lie out of everything I thought I knew about myself. The strength and control I thought I had in my life. Even up to very recently, I thought I was handling things.

But this is the last straw. It’s the last tiny push I needed to find myself in a free fall.

Another dark thought pushes its way into my mind. No one is going to be looking for me. Does the man who took me know that? Andrew sure as shit won’t look or file a police report.

My landlady might not realize why I didn’t pack my things up first, but as nice as Carolyn is, she’ll just be glad she doesn’t have to have me forcibly removed. She isn’t going to report my disappearance to the police. What disappearance? I’ve been evicted. I’m not supposed to be there.

There is no reality now but me and my captor. I’m trying desperately not to think about the reasons this man took me. To rape me? To kill me? To torture me? He sure as shit isn’t going to let me go when he’s done with whatever’s on his nefarious agenda. I know you can’t appeal to a sociopath, and nobody normal does something like this.

Still, I can’t help begging. “P-please don’t hurt me.”

“I won’t,” he says.

Huh?

“You can let me go,” I say. “I won’t say anything.”

“I can’t let you go. I didn’t put you in here.”

“What?” For a moment, my confusion overtakes my fear. What does he mean he didn’t put me in here? Of course he did. Who the fuck can he blame? The invisible demon perched on his shoulder?

He shakes his head slowly. “I’m in the same boat as you, sweetheart.”

I glance back and forth between us. He has clothes on, and they don’t look like he’s worn them for days. Meanwhile, I’m naked. We are not in the same boat.

“I don’t believe you,” I say. “You’re playing with me somehow.”

Author Bio:

KITTY THOMAS writes dark stories that play with power and have unconventional HEAs. She began publishing in early 2010 with her bestselling COMFORT FOOD and is considered one of the original authors of the dark romance subgenre.

To find out FIRST when a new book comes out, subscribe to Kitty's New Release List: KITTYTHOMAS.COM

Website / Goodreads / Twitter / Book and Main Bites / Bookbub

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[princesweetpea]

I Found | Sweet Pea x Aurora Jones (oc)

All Chapters Here

Chapter: Prologue

Warnings: Language, family death, mentions of friend death

READ IT ON AO3

A/N: Takes place after Riot Night.

   The ceiling light of the hospital’s small examination room flickered, making that dull buzzing sound of electricity that was about to go out. Aurora Jones sat rigid in her seat, occasionally shaking from her nerves. She felt so sick. So, so numb.   “Rory—” Her brother began before the door flung open. A nurse quickly shuffled into the room with another woman in tow, who shut the door quietly behind her. The nurse gently stated that she needed to go over a few things with them before they could finish paperwork, and how sorry she was to inconvenience them during this difficult time. Peter glanced over to Rory, who just stared straight ahead into nothingness, before answering the nurse’s questions. Rory had them completely tuned out, only hearing the ringing of the unclarity of their voices in her ears. She shivered again. After a while, she focused her hearing.   “Is there a next-of-kin that we need to notify?” The nurse asked.   “It’s just us.” Peter stated, staring blankly into the void as he absentmindedly squeezed his sister’s hand. Rory snapped back to reality.   “My uncle,” Rory choked out hoarsely. Her throat was froggy from being silent for so long. “FP Jones.” The nurse nodded and made her way to the door.   She wasn’t sure how much time had passed before the nurse had dipped out of the room just then. She saw Peter shaking hands with the woman who remained with them. The woman’s other arm held a thick black binder with papers sticking out of it.   Was it supposed to happen this way? First my best friend, and not even a couple weeks later, my own mother? Why wasn’t I crying? Why hadn’t I cried?   “Miss Jones,”   Am I a sociopath?   “Miss Jones!” She was snapped to reality by the shrill voice of the woman in front of her. She mumbled an apology sheepishly. “Since you’re still underage, you’ll be sent into foster care,” Rory rapidly shook her head in both protest and utter confusion. “Unless you’d rather be with your uncle?” She suggested. “He has a record… but he is your only surviving family. I don’t know for certain if they’ll allow it.”   “Can I not live with my brother and my dad?” She asked quizzically.   “Unfortunately, no, his father isn’t biologically related to you, and he and your mother split up long before her untimely death so he isn’t technically considered your stepfather,” The woman stated, shifting uncomfortably in her seat. Rory stared blankly at the woman in front of her. What did she mean they weren’t biologically related? “I’m sorry, I thought you would have known that. You didn’t find it odd that you two have different last names?” She asked condescendingly.   “They told me that they had a fight during our birth, and Peter was born first, before the fight. She said that by the time that they made up my birth certificate was already finalized, and it cost too much to have it changed,” Rory stated vacantly. Peter shifted stiffly. Her mind began to race, but she somehow managed to shove it to the back of her mind when the woman rudely snapped her fingers in front of her face. Peter hadn’t said a word. “Did you know about this?” She asked, her words dripping with agony.   “I found out a couple of months ago.” He sighed before burying his head into his hands. She felt like the knife in her chest had been twisted. He’d known for months and he didn’t bother to tell her, her own twin brother... She felt betrayed.   “Well apparently I’m the last to know important details about my own identity,” Rory scoffed with tears welling up in her eyes. She clenched her fists, almost relishing in the pain of her nails digging into her palms to calm her nerves. “I’m not going to live with a bunch of strangers, so don’t even think about putting me in a home,” Rory said ardently. “Why can’t I live at my house?”   “Despite the fact that you’re a minor— “   “I’m seventeen!”   “That isn’t the legal age of adulthood,” she sighed, rubbing her temples with her fingertips. “Like I was saying, despite the fact that you’re a minor, you guys were already several months behind on rent.”   “So, you would put an orphan on the streets?” She asked, shooting daggers at Peter on the word “orphan.” He avoided eye contact.   “No, I would put an orphan with surviving family or a foster family, like I gave you the choice of. To be completely honest, your landlord was extremely gracious to let you both continue to live there rent-free for as long as you did,” The woman suggested. Rory never bothered to learn her name. She had more important things to worry about, like if she was a sociopath or not, and who the fuck she’s been calling “dad.” “So, we can try to place you with your uncle, then?”   “Yes, make it happen. Please.” The ugly truth was that she was conflicted. Her mother worked her entire life to keep them out of the southside, away from the crime and gangs that she grew up around. She worked double shifts for them to barely scrape by, living in a small house on the edge of the northside. And now it seemed like all of her hard work was for nothing. There was too much piling on at once. She needed to interrogate Peter and to confront her “father,” but she couldn’t deal with that right now. Not now. It’s all too much.

***

  Clouds of cigarette smoke enveloped Rory as she stepped into the White Wyrm. Rock music, laughter, and the clacking sound of pool balls seemed to shake the space from the ground up. She made her way to the bar.   “Ava? I haven’t seen you here in ages! You look great.” The bartender called to her. She sucked in a sharp breath and looked behind her to see if there was someone else there, and that it was just a coincidence. But no one was there, it was just her.   “I’m not Ava,” She rasped, her voice kind of breaking mid-sentence. She still couldn’t cry. Even at the sound of her name. “I’m her daughter.”   The barkeep’s smile grew even wider, though she couldn’t understand why considering she had never seen this man in her life. “Little Aurora, right?” Rory gaped at him for a moment.   “Uh, yeah. Rory is fine. Though not quite little.” She awkwardly chuckled and glanced around anxiously.   “Oh, sorry. I made you uncomfortable. I met you a couple times when you were a little girl. Before your mom stopped coming, that is. How is Ava, by the way?” Her eyes darted down to her thumbs as she twiddled them idly. “She passed away… a couple days ago.” He went silent and his smile quickly disappeared. The man shifted uncomfortably.   “I… I am so sorry to hear that. I’m not the best at comforting people… Can I get you a drink instead?” He offered, trying to joke some light to the uncomfortable situation he had just placed himself in.   “I’m only seventeen,” She half smiled. “I’ll have a Shirley Temple though,” His smile crept back onto his face. “… What?” She asked hesitantly.   “It’s just that that’s what your mom used to order when we were all teenagers, and when she was pregnant with you.” Rory smiled at him. She was instantly grateful for that smile coming back onto his face, for that little tidbit of information about her mother that made her insides feel warm, and her eyes welled up. This is it, she thought. I’m finally going to cry. I’m not a sociopath. Then… nothing. “I’m Hog Eye, by the way.” He extended his hand. She didn’t let the nickname throw her. Being somewhat close to the “culture” of the Serpents made the things like weird nicknames familiar to her. She shook his hand gingerly.   Suddenly, the doors of the Wyrm burst open and two boys swaggered toward the bar. They were loud, pushing each other over and joking around obnoxiously. They looked familiar, most likely from the new wave of students that came over from Southside High a few months ago. They were shouting profanities toward the petite girl wiping down the bar, and she flipped them off before starting a conversation with them. The taller of the two boys caught Rory staring and she immediately snapped her head down to the Shirley Temple that Hog Eye had slid in front of her. She stirred the ice around with her straw.   “You lost, Northie?” She ignored him, fully knowing that he was addressing her. A bar stool scraped across the wood floor near the end of the counter before she heard shuffled movements coming her direction. “You hear me talking to you?” He said a little louder.   “Leave her alone, dude.” The pink-haired girl from behind the bar rolled her eyes. She gave Rory an apologetic look. Her eyes were big and soft, and she seemed to be truly genuine with her expression. The boy scoffed at her with a smirk and leaned against the counter next to Rory.   “I asked if you were lost. You deaf?”   “And what if I was? What would you do?” Rory turned to him with an amused expression. He gazed at her with his mouth slightly agape for a moment as he tried to grasp for a response. “Right.” She snorted before taking a sip of her drink. A thick black curl hung loosely between his furrowed eyebrows.   “Sweet Pea, cut it out. She’s having a hard time.” The girl piped in again. Rory was kind of annoyed that she had eavesdropped on her and Hog Eye’s conversation, but then again, they were in the center of a bar and weren’t talking in privacy.   “Sweet Pea?” Rory raised an eyebrow with a smirk, turning toward the boy with her entire body now. She needed this distraction. Even if it was sure to turn out as an annoying encounter.   “Yeah, don’t let the name fool you.” He replied flatly.   “He’s a dick.” The other boy spoke up for the first time, then grunted when Sweet Pea kicked backward, hitting the boy in the thigh. He pushed Sweet Pea’s shoulder in return, but his eyes never left hers and he didn’t even budge, aside from his shoulder jerking forward.   “If you’re going to be in my house, I need to know who I’m letting in.” He huffed.   “My name is Aurora, my friends call me Rory,” she sighed, deciding to humor him. Sweet Pea snorted mockingly. She narrowed her eyes at him. “Is something funny?”   “Aurora? You mean… like the Disney princess?” She rolled her eyes at his response.   “At least I’m not named after a vegetable.” She muttered. The two other teenagers laughed. Sweet Pea crossed his arms over his chest as he mumbled for the others to shut up through gritted teeth.   “I’m Toni Topaz. This is Fangs Fogarty.” The girl piped in and motioned with her elbow as she wiped out a pint glass. Fangs gave a lazy salute with a coy smile. Sweet Pea was visibly growing increasingly more agitated.   “Look, Northsider, you aren’t welcome here —"   “Sweet Pea!” A loud voice boomed from across the room. “Are you giving my niece a hard time? Where is your Serpent hospitality?” The room grew nearly silent aside from the music as FP filed toward them. Sweet Pea’s jaw instantly went slack as Fangs slowly walked backward, knocking a barstool over. Sweet Pea quizzically looked from Rory to FP, and back again. She smiled sweetly.   “Did I mention that I’m a Jones?”

[siriusblacksbitch]

Prompt List #1

Okay y’all! This is my first prompt list and it has been a long time coming. Feel free to request one of these prompts with your character/person of choice! I mostly write for Harry Potter (Marauders era and Golden Trio era), Fantastic Beats and Where to Find Them, Marvel, Supernatural, Stranger Things, and the Stranger Things cast. I do Not write the kids from Stranger Things in a romantic way; strictly platonic or sibling relationships Only. Please send in requests and I will start working on it right away and get it up as soon as my schedule allows it! Enjoy!! - Allie

1. “Good morning, sunshine.”

2.“You know I’d do anything for you.”

3. “Make a wish.”

4.“Wow. You look…wow.”

5.“Lose the attitude, sweetheart.”

6.“That smart mouth of yours is not helping you right now.”

7.“It was a really nice thought, but all I wanted was dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.”

8. “That looks amazing on you.”

9.“It’s your fault really. You should have known better than to leave me in charge of the cake.”

10. “I don’t care how sexy it is when you talk like that, it’s not helping.”

11. “Don’t tell me you’re falling asleep! The meteor shower is just starting!”

12.“You smoke?”

13.“I dance like a drunk chicken and I am okay with that. You should be too.”

14.“I’m not sure which god I pissed off, but I know for a fact that I am cursed.”

15.“Listen here, asshole. This one’s mine.”

16.“I hate you. You’re everywhere, and I can’t escape you. I can’t go anywhere without being reminded of you.”

17. “But everyone’s watching.”

18.“Even after everything, I don’t regret loving you.”

19. “Would you mind? I just need someone right now.”

20. “Pretty please.”

21.“Now, don’t tell me you’ve fallen in love with me already.”

22. “That’s bullshit and you know it!”

23. "It’s 3 AM. Wanna go get some pizza?”

24.“A milkshake with two straws? How romantic!”

25. “Prove me wrong.”

26.“All I know is that the stars have never looked brighter than in this moment with you.”

27. “You drank how much?!”

28.“Do you think he/she’s proud of me?”

29.“Fabulous called this morning. I answered.”

30. “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

31. “Well, actually, not really. But you get my point.”

32.“Are you hissing at me?”

33. “I know I said I wouldn’t follow you to school, but you see, what had happened was…”

34.“I know I’m allergic to peanuts but I couldn’t say no when you walked into the room with freshly baked cookies and that damned smile on your face.”

35.“If you push me on the swings, I’ll buy you dinner. Don’t push me too high, please, I’m scared of heights.”

36.“NOT TODAY SATAN!”

37.“Shut up and kiss me, you nerd.”

38.“I have good news and bad news, which do you want to hear first?”

39.“Why? Why me? Why out of everyone did it have to happen to me?!”

40. “Who are you? I’m sorry, I’m still trying to remember…”

41. “Well, there’s no getting out of here for quite a while and I’m bored… So, what are we gonna do?”

42.“H-how long have y-you been standing there?”

43.“Are you jealous?”

44. “It’s not nearly as bad as it looks, Darling.”

45.“Is there a reason you’re naked in my bed?”

46.“But you keep using all the hot water!”

47. “You heard me. Take it off.”

48. “Don’t you know how to knock?!”

49.“It’s an art form!” “No, it’s murder!”

50.“Come on! You’ve been yelling at me for the past week and now I’m finally ready to listen and you aren’t talking?”

51.“I don’t want to.” “You don’t have a choice, love.”

52.“Please, stay. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for me.”

53.“It ends here. I’m done with your petty little games. No more.”

54. “Try and stop me, I dare you.”

55.“I just wanted to fly, I’m sorry.”

56.“You call me child like I’m still innocent but god knows you’ve stolen that from me.”

57.“Do you ever feel just… dead?”

58.“You’re an asshole, there’s no hiding that.”

59. “Can I kiss you one last time?”

60. “And what would you know about my species?”

61. “I’m a very humble person. For example, I’m actually way more awesome than I think I am.”

62. “DAMNIT! THAT’S WHAT I’VE TRIED TO TELL YOU! YOU SHOULD BE SCARED OF ME!”

63.“She’s the Queen of her own castle and she thinks I’m her servant.”

64.“I like you, Okay? God, you’re such an idiot. I wanna punch you so bad.”

65.“whAT IS THAT?!”

66. “Wait, no, that’s mine. What are you doing?”

67.“Come over here – oh crap, no don’t fall – why does this always happen?”

68.“I’m so hungry I could eat a – stop looking at me like that in public.”

69. “waIT, DON’T RUN AT ME!! I’LL FALL!”

70. “Are…are you awake?”

71. “Great, what did you bring home this time?”

72.“enoUGH! ENOUGH WITH YOUR PUNS!”

73. “Put some clothes on already, jeez! We have company coming!”

74.“You can’t run, so it’ll be faster if I just carry you.”

75. “Did that person just take a picture of us?”          

76.“oh my gOD ARE THESE YOUR BABY PICTURES???”

77.“You’re a nerd. But you’re my favorite nerd.”

78.“Why do you find those cute? I hate those pictures of myself.”

79.“You’re very warm… it’s nice.”

80. “EVERY TIME I SAY THAT YOU ALWAYS MAKE THE SAME PUN!!”

81.“That… that was a lot different than I thought it’d be.”

82.“Can you explain why there is a dragon in my bedroom?”

83.“You are a sociopath!” “Meh, not really. Sociopaths don’t care. And I care about you, however unfortunate it may be.”

84.“You can breathe underwater? That’s cool and all, but I mean, that means you’ve seen fish, right? How do they pee?”

85. “Quit being sarcastic!” “Sarcasm is my spiritual gift!”

86. “Stop calling me cute!” “Stop doing cute things!”

87.“I was being truthful.” “You can’t just tell someone’s mom they look like a troll!” “How was I supposed to know they were only half troll?”

88. “You told me you wanted to let go. That night… I was coming over to tell you I wanted to try and fix things.”

89. “Okay, so maybe I lied! Maybe I’m not over you! Maybe I still have feelings! Stupid, stupid, uncontrollable, feelings!” “Well what made you think I don’t feel the same way?”

90. “I don’t want to do this. I can’t leave her behind.”

91.“I pictured you hotter, to be honest.”

92. “What do you mean you’ve never tried hangover sex? It’s like, an instant cure!”

93.“Is this the same store you don’t go to anymore because you said ‘I love you’ to the cashier?”

94 “Hey remember that time we practiced kissing? That was so dumb, right? Right…?”

95.“Yeah, we broke up months ago… I didn’t tell you about it because I didn’t think you cared.”

96. “Yeah, we made a sex bet and now it’s terrible because I thought I would be the one who’s better at it.”

97.“Oh my god, you have a concussion. Stop trying to flirt with me.”

98.“It’s super annoying that you’re so fit because you make me exercise more. How else was I supposed to ogle you?”

99. “Okay, wait. Can we stop joking around like we’d ever actually date? It’s really starting to hurt…”

100. “This is an apology pizza. Please take it or I will start crying right here.”

101. “They don’t like dogs. It wasn’t going to work out.”

102.“I’m too sober for this shit.”

103. “Okay, the blood isn’t mine, calm down.”

104.“You’re proud of me?”

105. “All I heard was ‘I swear it will be funny…’ and then we were in jail.”

106.“I’m not as damaged as I seem, I swear.”

107. “Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.”

108. “Darling don’t try that; you know it’ll never work.”

109. “Don’t waste your time on me love, I’m a lost cause.”

110. “I hope you know how much I—“ “Awww, love me?” “No, hate you.”

111. “Can I borrow a shirt to wear?”

112. “I needed someone and… you were the only one I thought of.”

113. You looked down at your hands, heart racing, and you wanted to be sick. Blood was everywhere.

114. The scream was loud; piercing.

115. “You’re stuck with me.”

116. “I swear to god if you ask me one more time if ‘I’m okay,’ I will rip your head off.”

117. “I’m trying to flirt with you.”

118.“I’m tired of being your dirty little secret.”

119. “Stop grabbing my ass.”

120. “It was just a nightmare. You are okay, I promise.”

121. “You slapped me.”

122.“Sit on my lap.”

123. “Will you stay? Just until I fall back asleep.”

124. “I’m sorry I tried to bite you.”

125.“I’m not used to someone putting me first.”

126.“Promise me that you’ll be safe.”

127.“I could break you, doll face.”

128.“Who did this to you?”

129. “Don’t give me that look.”

130. “I know we don’t talk anymore, but I still care about you and I’m here if you need me.”

[bachelorbro-blog1]

Season 21 -- Week 5

Alright, I have a headache. Let’s do this.

We open with Corinne and Taylor sitting in front of a fire and having a very emotionally mature conversation, by which I mean they’re calling each other names and sticking their tongues out because why wouldn't they? I won't bore you with the sordid details because I don't want to.

Corinne tattles on Taylor and then we cut to the rose ceremony where everyone who has never seen a single episode of a reality television show ever is convinced that Taylor will not be receiving a rose. 

The ladies are legitimately shivering in a barn during the rose ceremony, and (from what I can tell) Sarah is the only person who isn't wearing a coat. Way to give yourself the flu, Sarah. How will you teach the classroom full of children that you left to be on TV now?

“Nick should send them both home,” says Kristina, who is slowly becoming one of my favorite contestants. She already has a rose. There are blessings all around us. 

Nick gets rid of Sarah, who is cold, and Astrid, who I have once again forgotten was even competing. Sarah cries about some stuff. I didn't expect her to go home just yet, but I did expect her to go home, so whatever. Sorry, girl. 

Taylor and Corinne get roses because they still need to fight to the death like the wild gators they are. 

Everyone (except Sarah and Astrid) (again, sorry!) is going to New Orleans, which is actually a fun and cool place to go. Good job, ABC! 

Rachel gets the one-on-one date. She is READY (to be the next Bachelorette).

Corinne continues to pop up in talking head interviews to drunkenly ramble about why she doesn't like Taylor. I mean, I don't like Taylor either, but it’s not like I have to tell a camera about it every time I drink too many glasses of rosé.

Rachel and Nick start their one-on-one date at a fun flea market. “I want to eat you,” says Nick to Rachel, who is now wondering whether or not she wants to be here. 

They eat oysters. For some reason everyone thinks that oysters are aphrodisiacs. I happen to think that they look like gray ears. Then they eat beignets. The amount of powdered sugar on Nick’s beignet is equal to the amount of powder that you see on Scarface’s desk so there’s that, I guess. Nick is a messy eater, which is the least surprising thing I have ever noticed. 

A second line parade appears and they join. “I didn't know Nick had that kind of swag,” says Rachel. “Ugh, he doesn't,” weeps Liz, the forgotten doula, from her kitchen floor. 

This date has a lot of parts. They go to a concert being performed by someone named Lolo. She tweeted about this episode, but that didn't help me figure out who she is. Whatever. Thanks for being here, Lolo.

The date finally ends at Mardi Gras World, which is a terrible warehouse filled with frightening Mardi Gras parade floats. Rachel squeals out of excitement. I scream out of fear. Nick puts a string of beads around Rachel’s neck without asking her to take off her top, which is a nice surprise. 

Rachel talks about her dad, a terrifying federal judge who will surely grill Nick when he meets him at the hometown stage. 

The remainder of the ladies (who aren't Taylor and Corinne) are going on a group date to a straight up haunted house. Josephine calls it romantic. I would be inclined to agree, but my first crush was Michael Keaton as Beetlejuice.  

Raven will rebuke ghosts in the name of Jesus (because she is from a small town in Arkansas and has read the Bible approximately 865 times). Alexis will rebuke them in the name of Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino for similar reasons. 

The caretaker appears and tells them that his name is Boo, which...fine. There is a ghost named May living in the house. She is eight years old and has been searching for her doll for approximately 200 years. Jasmine G. does not believe that she exists so obviously I’m hoping that she’s carted away by this child specter. 

They enter May’s room and Jasmine G. moves some shit around because she likes to test her fate. They leave the room and play with a Ouija board, which is something I have always been a little too scared to do. Alexis is confused. She gets another free pass because I love her. 

The camera cuts away to a shady portrait of May as they play with the board and then the lights turn out and everyone shrieks. This is the most staged thing I have ever seen in my entire life but I am LIVING FOR IT. 

Nick suggests that they go exploring so Raven and another brunette tag along. May’s doll is missing from her room. It is more than likely that Boo is playing with the doll in his bedroom (anyone else getting AHS season three flashbacks?) 

Jasmine G. upsets the spirt world once again and a chandelier falls (very Phantom of the Opera!) She does not believe in Molly or Megan the ghost, but the jury is still out on May. 

Jasmine G. is finally afraid and makes peace with May the eight year old ghost. She asks for forgiveness and some books fall. Boo has rigged this house very well. She and Raven run away. 

Corinne and Taylor will be going on a two-on-one date the next day (and Taylor will be going home). Corinne orders a lot of food, calls Taylor “Queen of the house,” and then drinks champagne in a bubble bath. 

Danielle M. finally gets some more quality time with Nick. She is longer my top choice to win because she is simply too good for Nick and I don't ever want her to be sad. 

The next day Taylor and Corinne board a small boat with Nick and a swamp man. They are going to have their date in the bayou. A very big part of me is hoping that Shrek will be there. “Make America Corinne again,” says Corinne, who is a professional sociopath. 

They meet a voodoo priestess because apparently it’s very easy to find those. She is a white lady with multi-colored hair and a straw fedora. They have their tarot cards read. Taylor goes first. Corinne tattles on her again and calls her “a big mean swamp monster,” which, same. 

The reader tells Taylor that someone on the date is very emotionally intuitive, which is a huge lie. Taylor tattles on Corinne while Corinne asks how to make a voodoo doll that is specific to a person (that person may or may not be Raquel) (Kidding! It’s Taylor! Can you imagine?) 

More stuff happens and then Nick sends Taylor packing. Now she can go back home to a place where she has no friends because she is a mean person who brags about having a Masters degree. Ashley I. schooled her on Twitter so be sure to check that out when you get a chance. 

After Taylor is sent home and left stranded in the middle of the swamps to be eaten by the gators and ABC executives, she has a voodoo ceremony performed on her and leaves to find Nick and Corinne on their date. She is going to reveal Corinne, but we have to wait until next week to see that happen. Taylor walks through the woods in this season’s Chad Bear moment.

After the credits Nick dons a Nicolas Cage mask and makes Alexis kiss him. It’s ok, Alexis. You will find the perfect man for you on Bachelor in Paradise. I promise. 

My Top 5:

Vanessa

Rachel

Danielle M.

Raven

May the Ghost