#WWX doesn't really know himself very well and has a rather poor insight.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Making and Remaking Memories

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[ninjakk]

Our first glimpse at how deep WWXs feelings for LWJ truly were

I just adore the archery competition flashback, where WWX meets LWJ a year after his short-lived stay at the CR. When I first read this scene, my heart ached a little at WWX's subconscious pining for LWJ and the cold shoulder he seemingly received. Obviously, poor LWJ doesn't mean to be so cold with him, he just doesn't know how to express, or even comprehend his own feelings for WWX at that moment in time. I think this scene really shows the reader how deep WWX's latent feelings truly are. It also gives quite an interesting insight into WWXs psyche, as he lies to himself about his own feelings and tries to downplay his affection for LWJ.

Chapter 45

Yawning as he walked toward the hunting grounds, he suddenly caught sight of a handsome boy with a fair face and a cold demeanor to the side of him. He wore a red round-collar robe with sleeves that had tight openings and a belt of nine golden rings. This was the uniform attire of all of the juniors who came to the Qishan Discussion Conference. On him, it looked exceptionally good. He had a dash of elegance, a few traces of vigour, but a whole lot of good looks. One couldn’t help but brighten up at the sight of such a boy. The boy was in the middle of trying out his bow, carrying a bundle of arrows with white-feathered fletchings. Brushing past the bowstring, his slender fingers made it sound as though it were a guqin string, strong yet beautiful. To Wei WuXian, the boy felt a bit familiar. After he thought for a while, he finally remembered and greeted the boy with enthusiasm, “Hey! WangJi-xiong, it’s you!”

WWX is momentarily blinded by LWJs beauty. He then goes on to lie to himself about taking a 'while' to realise who he was. WWX has already hinted that he knew exactly who he was when he mentioned a guqin string - which is what LWJ plays. Not to mention, 'handsome', 'fair face' and 'cold demeanor' is literally a description of LWJ! He's trying to downplay his excitement at meeting him again, especially as he was so entranced at seeing him and very clearly extremely physically attracted to him.

At the time, it had already been a year since Wei WuXian studied at Gusu and was sent back to Yunmeng. After he arrived at Yunmeng, he told the people there all about what he had seen in Gusu, especially things such as how although Lan WangJi’s face looked nice he was so stiff as to do this, so boring as to do that. Not long afterward, he had forgotten all about his days at Gusu and continued to fool around in the lakes and mountains. In the past, he had only seen Lan WangJi in the plain “mourning clothes” of the GusuLan Sect’s uniform, never in such a bright, eye-catching outfit. Along with that overly-pretty face of Lan WangJi’s, now that they met again, Wei WuXian’s eyes had momentarily been blinded by his looks, failing to immediately recognize him. On the other hand, as soon as Lan WangJi finished testing his bow, he walked away at once. Awkwardly, Wei WuXian turned to Jiang Cheng, “He ignored me again. Huh.” Jiang Cheng glanced at him with indifference, also deciding to ignore him.

Here WWX is trying very hard to reason with himself for the emotions and attraction he just felt. It's rather like: "Well I haven't seen him in such a long time and I had almost forgotten all about him... So of course I was staring at him. I was so used to seeing him in the 'mourning clothes', he just attracted my attention for a moment because of the vivid colour (that everyone else is wearing!) I should go say hi.."

He's trying to justify his excitement at seeing him. At first, WWX acknowledged he did indeed talk about LWJ... Quite a lot when he first got back, from the sounds of it! He then goes on to contradict what he just claimed earlier about him taking a while to remember who LWJ was. It seems that under the surface, he's actually quite flustered at seeing him again after so long. His thoughts are all over the place! Again his mind wanders towards how good looking LWJ is once more - he's got it bad bless him. His reaction and his contradictory thoughts are enough of a hint to the reader not to take WWXs claims he 'forgot all about his days in Gusu' as the truth. There's so much internal conflict about his feelings for LWJ and the heteronormativity that was embedded in him from a young age, that his thoughts are a little erratic. Simultaneously admiring LWJ and trying to justify his wandering thoughts about him at the same time.

It isn't until the Lotus Seed Pod extra that we actually see the true extent of WWX's lie to himself back at the archery competition. This extra chapter is one of the sweetest. It shows WWX, and later LWJ, essentially pining for each other around the same time (possibly the exact same day). In the extra, it's been a year since they've seen each other, but WWX is still bringing him up in conversation and thinking about him back at Lotus Pier. So we can safely assume that the Lotus Seed Pod extra is set just before the archery competition, as both are a year later from when he left the CR.

There were more than twenty entrances to the shooting range; each sect was different. As Lan WangJi walked toward the entrance of the GusuLan Sect, Wei WuXian sneaked over before he could. Lan WangJi shifted to the one side, and he shifted to the side as well; Lan WangJi moved to the other side, and he moved to the other side as well. In short, he simply refused to let Lan WangJi pass. In the end, standing where he was, Lan WangJi raised his chin slightly. In a serious tone, he spoke, “Excuse me.”

LWJ tries his best to ignore him, possibly due to his reluctance to face his feelings and because it seems he finds it hard to communicate with his crush. But, WWX just wants his attention and will do anything to get it! Which is exactly what he does next, the little minx!

Wei WuXian, “You’re finally gonna talk to me? Were you pretending that you didn’t know me or that you didn’t hear me?” Not far away, the boys from other sects all stared at them. Some laughed, some exclaimed. Jiang Cheng clicked his tongue impatiently. With arrows on his back, he walked toward another entrance. Lan WangJi raised his eyes coldly and repeated, “Excuse me.” A faint smile by his lips, Wei WuXian raised his brows and turned to the side. The arch door of the entrance was rather narrow. Lan WangJi could only brush by him as he walked in. After he entered, Wei WuXian shouted from behind him, “Lan Zhan, your forehead ribbon is crooked.” All disciples from prominent sects took great care to maintain their appearances, especially those from the GusuLan Sect. Hearing this, Lan WangJi reached to adjust it without a second thought. Yet, the forehead ribbon was clearly as proper as always. Turning around, he cast an annoyed look at Wei WuXian. The latter only laughed as he turned to the YunmengJiang Sect’s entrance.

So as usual, WWX resorts to his 'teasing' in order to get LWJ to look at him. WWX even blocks the GusuLan Sect's entrance LWJ has to use, and only moves once LWJ has finally looked at him. Succeeding in getting LWJ to look at him, he turns to the side, allowing him access through the arch - but only if he brushes past him. It's such a small moment, but it's so cute how much WWX can't stand to be ignored by him. The sexual tension in this scene, just screams off the page to me. I think you can really feel all those hormones raging - especially once you read the LPS extra as well. It's his little smile and the way he raises his eyebrows as he makes LWJ brush up against him. He's just such a flirt with him! He knows LWJ doesn't like physical contact with others, but he does this anyway. He hasn't seen LWJ in quite a while and must get some form of interaction with him however he can.

I love how WWX only laughs when he's walking back to his Sect entrance where JC and the others are waiting. To me, this small and simple sentence is very telling. It helps the reader understand WWX's feelings, probably better than he did at the time. WWX didn't laugh in LWJ's face - in the past he has, but this time he doesn't. He didn't do it for entertainment, he didn't do it to amuse himself or others. From the text, it seems he didn't smirk or grin either. He stood in the archway without any of his usual cheeky expressions when teasing LWJ. In fact, he seemed pretty flat - not the usual vivacious WWX we all know and love. He just stood there taking it all in, watching LWJ walk away, before shouting to him and waiting for a reaction. It almost feels like he wound him up, not only to get a reaction, but because he felt dejected and was slightly hurt. This tiny moment has such a delicate hint of melancholy to it, and it makes my heart hurt a little every time I read it.

It's obvious from the above text, WWX has actually made a little bit of a scene! Other disciples were watching from afar, some amused and some surprised by the commotion in front of them. But he was so desperate for LWJs attention, he didn't even care at that exact moment. WWX only laughs once he heads over to his own Sects entrance. As if he has to cover up what he just did with bravado. Making it out he was just being a 'lad' and winding LWJ up... WWX didn't get upset LWJ wouldn't give him attention, forcing him to brush up against him and then teasing him to get one last reaction and a look from those cold sexy eyes of his before he left... Noooo, that's not what just happened at all. Just bros, being bros here... He definitely wasn't fawning over the second most handsome young master of the cultivation world. Nope.

The subtext in this scene actually escapes some people and they don't see the chemistry or absolute flirtatious tension between them - especially on WWX's behalf. They just see him winding LWJ up. But I pose this to those that don't see WWX's actions as flirting - would you think the above scene was WWX flirting, if LWJ was a girl instead? If he was paying the same attention to a girl, forcing 'her' to brush against him - would you not think he liked 'her'? Of course you bloody would! You'd think he had a mad crush on them!

A little while later during the archery competition, WWXs encounters LWJ once more.

Just as he was thinking about what would happen if he shot with his other hand, suddenly, something drifted to his face. Softer than even the touch of catkin blossoms carried by the wind; the object made Wei WuXian’s cheek itch. Turning around, he saw that Lan WangJi had somehow already walked near him. With his back facing Wei WuXian and front to a paper mannequin, he was in the process of drawing his bow. The ends of his forehead ribbon danced in the breeze, gently brushing against Wei WuXian’s face. He squinted, “WangJi-xiong!” With his bow already in the shape of a full moon, Lan WangJi still responded after a short moment of hesitation, “What?” Wei WuXian, “Your forehead ribbon is crooked.” This time, Lan WangJi refused to believe him again. As he released his arrow, he replied without even turning around, “Ridiculous.” Wei WuXian, “It’s true this time! It really is crooked. Just watch if you don’t believe me. Let me straighten it up for you.” He proceeded as he spoke, grabbing the ribbon tail that kept on fluttering in front of his eyes. Alas, however, his hands were simply too unruly. In the past, he made a habit of pulling on the Yunmeng girls’ braids. Whenever he touched a strip-like object, he’d have the urge to tug it. Thus, without a second thought, he tugged it this time as well. However, since the forehead ribbon was already slightly askew, a bit loose, now that he pulled on it, it fell from Lan WangJi’s forehead at once. The hand that Lan WangJi held the bow with immediately gave out a shiver. He only managed to turn around after quite a long while. Slowly, his eyes finally locked into Wei WuXian’s. Wei WuXian was still holding the soft ribbon in his hand, “I’m sorry. It wasn’t on purpose. Here, you can tie it up again.” Lan WangJi’s expression was darker than ever.

So WWX is claiming it was an accident.. but this is obviously not the case. Just before this all happened, he hinted to us he was getting rather bored of the competition. He started to think about using his other hand, because he wanted to find it more of a challenge. Then he notices the tall glass of ice cold water that is LWJ was just behind him... WWX goes on to tell LWJ his forehead ribbon is crooked once more and offers to straighten it for him. Apparently it was, but that's not the point here. He literally pulls at it! Then he pretends it was an accident! But his thought process at this point is rather telling as he states he got into the habit of pulling girls pigtails when he was younger. Why would he think such things and pull on LWJ's forehead ribbon if it wasn't intentional at least on a subconscious level. So to some extent he definitely knew what he was doing and it wasn't an accident. Again, I think this is partly because he just needs LWJ's attention. It's also show how he truly think of LWJ once more. The classic pulling on pigtails, a favourite pastime of young boys who like to tease girls. WWX is around 16 now I think, yet he's treating LWJ like a little girl who has hurt the ego of the little boy that still resides inside him. It's quite sweet really.

Also, let's not forget the fact he has admitted elsewhere in the novel, that he still remembers many of the CR sect rules after copying them so many times. But funnily enough, he's managed to forget this one... * Exaggerated eye roll * Suuure...

I just love how MXTX adds layers of meaning to past chapters, by leaving tiny breadcrumbs throughout the book for her readers. I think this might be my favourite one to be honest. We don't fully understand how truly head over heels they both actually are for each other at the above point in time, until the LP extra hits us in the face with such a touching revelation and we piece it all together ourselves.

I also wrote a post as to why LWJ might be acting so cold towards WWX in the above scene. For anyone who is interested it's here.