#WRITTEN. and then bad girls club by falling in reverse starts playing

[unmaskedagain]

I’m Just your problem (But please tell me i’m a winner)

Okay so in my defense of this story, you didn’t actually say who you wanted to be the center of the story. And I kind of got inspired the second I heard the song and just ran with it. It’s a one shot about and staring Lila. So... yeah. Hope you enjoy it though. @abrx2002

I’m the winner!

Lila knew it didn’t have to be like this. It never had to be like this. She didn’t want to bury Marinette in the ground but little Miss Goodie Goodie just couldn’t leave well enough alone. So now Lila had to bury her with just a few words.

           She couldn’t been Marinette’s friend. She wanted to be Marinette’s friend. Before even meeting the girl, the entire class had spun a tale of just how fabulous Marinette was. Lila had looked forward to meeting her, becoming her friend, and using her power to rule the class and school together. They could’ve both won. It would’ve been easy.

           Too easy apparently.

Because never, not even, once did Marinette want to be her friend. She never even gave Lila a chance. Lila the villain in Marinette’s story as far as the other girl was concerned.

Nice guys finish last.

That’s why I win.

I’m the winner.

           The Little princess in pink swore she just didn’t like liars. But everyone told lies, even the perfect Marinette. (Especially Marinette) It was a fact. So why was Lila the one she called out? What was so wrong with Lila that Marinette couldn’t just leave well enough alone.

“Marinette didn’t like liars,” Lila scoffed. “Or maybe she just doesn’t like me!”

           Which was a blow to the Italian girl’s pride. Because Marinette liked everyone. She gave everyone chances. Even Chloe! The girl who bullied Marinette and everyone else in class far worse than Lila could’ve considering doing herself.  If a spoiled rotten girl like Chloe deserved another chance (and another and another and another) but Lila didn’t get one, how rotten did Marinette think Lila was?

           Maybe the lies weren’t the problem like Lila suspected. Maybe the issue was that she didn’t bow and cater to Marinette’s everywhere like the rest of the class seemed to do. They treated her like some goddess.

Is that what Marinette wanted? Did she wanted Lila to worship at her feet? Treat her like she’s perfect like her stupid little friends did? Loyal little lackeys that they are.

Were, Lila thought viciously. A few grand tales, some golden promises and they were at my beck and call. I won.

           How’s that for friendship, Maribrat? How does it feel to know the friends you cared so much about turned on you with just a few words. Does it hurt? Does it sting?

Will you finally admit I’m better?

I’m worthy?

That I won?

Am I worthy of your friendship now?

           Lila thought Marinette would stop then. After she turned everyone in class against her. Used the faculty’s foolishness to get the Marinette expelled. (Though it was reversed). The girl had lost everything. What was hers was Lila’s now. From bestie Alya, to meek pushover Adrien, to her place at center of class’s love and affection. It was Lila’s now. Because Lila won.

           And the Italian girl thought it was a matter of time before Marinette came crawling back. A bit of time before she stopped calling out Lila for lying and just went with it. If she did, then Lila would be benevolent enough to stop accusing her of being a bully, coach the class into re-friending the poor sorry Marinette.

           It never happened. Instead of begging and pleading to be Lila’s friend like Lila expected.

Wanted.

Needed.

Admit defeat.

Admit I beat you.

Admit that I won.

           Marinette stopped looking hurt at all the nasty words her friends (Ex-friends, Lila thought viciously) were spitting at her, the girl started smiling at her phone, texting, giggling. She hardly ever batted an eye anymore. The only times she called Lila out on her lies was when Lila said anything directly involving Marinette.

           She seemed to wash her hands of her classmates. Lila could only watch as she befriended other students from other classes.  Classes where Lila had no influence. Friends that didn’t fall easily to little small fibs.

Friends that were smarter that her last ones.

More loyal.

Better.

           While the class rightfully worshiped at Lila’s feet now, Marinette moved on to bigger and better things. She played a new game; one that Lila couldn’t win.

It wasn’t fair!

I already won!

Me! I did.

I won!

Student council. Fashion Club. Powered, a club for future female CEOs. She started her own design website. She went on amazing trips and met people Lila could only dreaming of meeting and constantly lied about. Marinette slowly but surely became one of the most popular girls in school.

While I dwindled in mediocrity.

Forced to deal with her stupid ex-friends.

Forced to only lie about things I’ve done.

Forced to watch you do them.

Forced to watch you rise like a star.

Forced to watch you WIN.

           Marinette would have rather befriend the entire school, everyone and their entire mother, than to debase herself by admitting defeat and bending to Lila’s whims, getting her friends back in the process. Nope. She rather waste her befriending insignificant morons than be Lila’s friend. It was proof alone how much she hated Lila.

           She just used the lies as excuse to cover up the thousands of reason she must’ve hated Lila. Marinette didn’t want Lila to apologize for lying.

She wants me to apologize for not being like her!

Sweet. Perfect. Angelic.

           Sorry, that Lila wasn’t made of sugar, spice, and everything. Sorry that’s the stupid reason for anyone to not like someone. To go out of their way to avoid them.

           Anyone else would crumble at what Lila threw at them.

They had.

Three. Four. Five. Girls

All were left nothing more than a puddle of tears after I was done with them.

I beat them all!

I won.

           But Marinette had gone from those, precious hurt and betrayed faces, to looking at everyone in class like they were just an inconvenience. Like Lila was a minor inconvenience to her day.

But I had won!

I know it!

She can’t just play a new game.

I won.

           Every day, she looked through Lila like people look at extra credit math problems in a class your already Acing. She could solve it, put in some minor effort, and fix it but what was the point?  Marinette clearly had better things to do than to worry about her ex-friends, her ex-crush, about Lila; minor little problems in her otherwise PERFECT little life.

           Lila was just a problem to Marinette. Not a friend, not an enemy anymore, just a stupid little problem. Not even a real person. Just a problem, she couldn’t even be bothered with anymore.

No! Marinette was too busy being elected Spring Queen at the Sweethearts dance.

Too busy on Claude, the star football play, the future Oscar-winning film maker, the most popular guy in school’s arm. The king to her Queen.

           And to think Lila had be waiting, patiently, so very patiently, to see the devastated look on Maribrat’s face when she got to the dance and saw…

           Adrien and Lila were at the dance, together, as dates; the perfect couple. Marinette was suipossed to be so, SO, heartbroken.

She never batted an eye.

She even told Lila how nice she looked.

           And then went on her way. Because Lila wasn’t worth anymore of her time or energy. Like Lila hadn’t taken everything from her.

Like I hadn’t won.

Like I hadn’t beat her.

I did. I know I did.

I beat everyone.

I win at everything.

Marinette just wasn’t playing right.

It was the last time Marinette looked her way the entire night. She was too busy with her perfect friend, her perfect boyfriend, living her stupid perfect life. Being crowned Queen. Lila had broken every mirror and reflect surface in her room. If Marinette didn’t want to look at her problem than neither did Lila.

This wasn’t how winners acted…

           After the dance, Lila had tried to get closer to the other kids in school, Marinette’s friends. But they didn’t bat at an eye at her. Had only given the barest looks of amusement, and pity, at her attempts.

           It got so bad that Lila almost believed the lie she told the class about Marinette turning the school against her.

           Truthfully she knew that Marinette couldn’t have been bothered to. She was too busy. Too busy to worry about the drama in their stupid little class.

Stupid busy for me!

           No, she went on her day like Lila didn’t exist.

I exist, damn you.

I’m here.

And I beat you.

I won!

           The more she ignored Lila the worst Lila got the class to treat her. Exile her. Got them to get Bustier to get kick Marinette off the school field trips.

           Not that it bother Marinette. She just stopped helping fund raise. Went on jaw-dropping trips with her new friends. Ignored the sneers and glares from her ex-friends. Like nothing bother her. None of them matter.

           None of them were important enough to matter to her! Lila wasn’t important enough to matter to the great Marinette.

Is this how you treat people who beat you, huh, Maribrat?

You ignore them?

Pretend they’re not there.

SO you can pretend I didn’t win!

           Lila wasn’t going to apologize for beating her fair and square.  She wasn’t going to stop lying, tell the truth, and beg for Marinette’s friendship. Because what would that really do?

It would be a forfeit.

It would mean I didn’t win.

           And really it wasn’t like she did anything wrong, right? If anything Marinette should be thanking Lila for revealing the true colors of her so-called friends, of her crush. Not that Lila was trying to justify anything. Because she didn’t have to.

I won, after all.

           Lila won so Marinette shouldn’t be ignoring her in class, right? She shouldn’t act like nothing Lila did phased her. Like Lila didn’t exist. Lila shouldn’t have to be the one to make amends, right?

History is written by the victors.

And I won!

           It wouldn’t matter even if she did. Marinette had always hated her, had always been out to get her, had disliked her the moment she laid eyes on Lila just like Ladybug.

           Lila had always been on Marinette’s blacklist. And she had done so many things, she couldn’t even remember what landed her there in the first place. It was something stupid, probably. Something so minor, some little lie that Marinette was to uppity to forgive, to let go of.

It was her problem, not mine.

           It was all Marinette’s fault, right? It was all her fault! So NO! Lila wouldn’t admit defeat. She wouldn’t stop lying. So why do I want to…

           Lila would rub everything she took from Marinette into the other girl’s face. Maribrat would break eventually. They always do. They have to, right? No one could deal with losing so much in such a short while. She’ll admit she was wrong, right? That She should’ve bowed down and accepted Lila as her friend, as the class’s new sweetheart. She’d admit Lila won then, right? Lila beat her. Lila was and is and always will be the winner.

I won!

I beat her.

           So there! Lila won, that was it. That was how the game ended and how the story would too. She’d marry Adrien, make Alya her maid of honor just to rub it in Marinette’s face that Lila had everything she ever dreamed of.

           Then she’d admit Lila’s won. Because Lila always wins! She already won, after all. Marinette just refused to be a good little loser and admit it…

           Lila won.

I’m the winner, right?

[mrsmarymorstan]

Now Furuba S2 is over, what now?

I’m already seeing a lot of people asking for recommendations now the S2 Sub is over; so this is a list of series that I think you’ll enjoy if you like Furuba! 

All platforms listed are true for the UK, but might not be for other residences. More viewing options may be available in other territories. 

Unless specified, All Manga/Comic recs are available from regular bookstores and EBook Stores. If you’re in the UK I’ll suggest checking out Hive, which is an online store where a potion of each sale goes towards a Local Independent Bookstroe of your choice! They also have flat-rate free shipping! 

Okay, so the actual recs! (I got lazy in some places and used the official synopisis) 

Romance

Convenience Store Boyfriends Funimation (Dub) Crunchyroll (Sub) 12 Eps Total 

“Six high school boys hang out at a local convenience store where they talk about their daily lives. Haruki Mishima and Towa Honda are first year students looking forward to the high school experience. Alongside them, there’s Nasa Sanagi, the only member of the cooking research club. Natsu Asumi is a loner but has third year students, Mikado Nakajima and Masamune Sakurakoji, looking out for him.“

Kaguya-sama: Love is War S1 - Crunchyroll, Funimation (Sub) S2 Funimation (Sub/Dub) 24 eps - Ongoing Manga: 18/20 volumes available in English 

“Known for being both brilliant and powerful, Miyuki Shirogane and Kaguya Shinomiya lead the illustrious Shuchiin Academy as near equals. And everyone thinks they’d make a great couple. Pride and arrogance are in ample supply, so the only logical move is to trick the other into instigating a date! Who will come out on top in this psychological war where the first move is the only one that matters?”

Monthly Girls’ Nozaki-kun Netflix (Dub/Sub), Crunchyroll (Sub) 12 Eps Total Manga: 12/12 volumes available in English 

“High school student Chiyo Sakura has a crush on schoolmate Umetarou Nozaki. When she confesses her love to him, he mistakes her for a fan and gives her an autograph. When she says she wants to be with him, he invites her to his house and has her help on some drawings. Sakura discovers that Nozaki is actually a renowned shōjo manga artist working under the pen name Sakiko Yumeno. She agrees to be his assistant in order to get closer to him. As they work on his manga Let's Fall in Love they encounter other schoolmates, who assist them and serve as inspirations for the story.”

Snow White With the Red Hair Funimation (Dub/Sub) 24 Eps Total Manga: 9/22+ volumes available in English. Anime ends Vol. 8 

“In the kingdom of Tanbarun lives an independent young pharmacist named Shirayuki. Shirayuki is a plain girl, save for her shock of beautiful apple-red hair. Her stunning mane gets her noticed by the prince, but instead of romancing her, he demands she be his concubine. Shirayuki chops off her lovely locks, and runs away to the neighboring kingdom where she befriends a handsome stranger.”

Tsuruedure Children Funimation (Dub), Crunchyroll (Sub) 12 Eps Total Manga (Ebook only) 12/12 Volumes available in English

“Short and charming comedic vignettes offer a quick glimpse into the unique and funny situations, misunderstandings, and all around confusion that can happen in a high school romance. For starters, there’s a story about a delinquent girl and the student council president, and one about a stoic boy confused about an emotional girl. Relive the charm of high school romance!”

Wotakoi: Love is Hard for Otaku Amazon Prime (Sub) 11 Eps Total Manga: 4/9 volumes available in english 

Looking for a slice of life romance but you’re an actual adult now and don’t want to read about teenagers? Try Wotakoi! It combines office romance with childhood friends-to-lovers. Narumi is a Fujoshi who doesn’t want anyone to find out the truth of her ways, Hirotaka is a Game Otaku who doesn’t care what anyone says about it, together they go about the ins-and-outs of dating as an adult. 

Coming of Age

BOFURI: I don’t want to get hurt, so I’ll max out my defence Funimation (Dub/Sub) 12 Eps Ongoing 

“She may be new to gaming, but Maple has found the secret to invincibility! Just put all your skill points into defense until you can't even move. That works, right? She doesn't want to experience any pain in the VRMMO game she started playing, and somehow it works better than anyone expected. Now she's got followers??”

Brand New Animal Netflix (Dub/Sub) 12 Eps Total 

“Set in a world where humanoid animals (known as beastmen) inhabit Earth, the series centers on Michiru Kagemori, a young teenage girl who one day suddenly starts turning into a tanuki beastman. Running away, she seeks refuge in Anima City, a city built for beastmen to be able to live peacefully as themselves, and ends up meeting a wolf beastman named Shirou Ogami. Together, they investigate how and why Michiru became a beastman, becoming mixed up in even stranger events in the process.”

Hyouka Funimation (Dub/Sub) 23 Eps Total 

“A worthy addition to any animation fan's collection, Hyouka is a stunning masterwork that spins a charming tale of high school romance and mystery. After disenchanted student Hotaro Oreki joins his school’s Classic Lit Club, he meets Eru Chitanda, a kindhearted and inquisitive girl with boundless curiosity and a knack for getting him caught up in all sorts of trouble.”

Koto Oto Tomara! Sounds of Life Funimation (Dub/Sub) 24 Eps Total 

“Down to its last member, the koto club will accept anyone who is interested in the traditional Japanese instrument. But when a delinquent and a prodigy player sign up, finding harmony isn’t going to be easy—especially not with ensemble competitions looming around the corner. With enough time and some incredible skill at the strings, perhaps this motley crew can strike a chord with the judges.“

O Maidens in your Savage Season HIDIVE (Dub/Sub) 12 Eps Total Manga: 7/8 volumes available in English (8th available for pre-order) 

The series follows a High School Literature club as they make their nervous first foray into the nature of sexuality. What is the difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction? Does watching porn mean wanting to have sex? What are these strange feelings I am having down below? Why are boys so gross and girls so pretty? Each girl undergoes their own journey and finds their own destination, a brutally honest yet heart warming look at teenage female sexuality. 

CW: Sexual Assault, pedophilia (both portrayed as BAD AND TERRIBLE things) 

Our Dreams at Dusk Manga: 4/4 volumes available in English 

IF YOU ONLY CONSUME ONE THING ON THIS LIST MAKE IT THIS!!!!! The series is the VERY DEFINITION of “It Gets Better”. 

After his classmates discover some gay pornography on his phone, Tasuku Kaname contemplates committing suicide. Just as he’s about to jump, he spots a mysterious figure parkouring down a mountain. Shocked out of his moment, he decides to go and investigate what’s happening and finds an LGBT+ Drop In Centre. The series follows the lives of the people in the drop in centre, from Haruko who wishes to marry her closeted girlfriend, to Misora who is still trying to figure out what their gender is but has the threat of puberty hovering of their shoulder. 

It’s very clear that Kamatani-sensei has written this story FOR the Queer Community. It’s a truly beautiful story. Please give it your money if you can, so that Kamatani-sensei can actually earn some money, and so that Seven Seas know that there is a viable audience for these stories! So that we may get more content!

Reverse Harem 

Fruits Basket is NOT a reverse Harem, but i figure there’ll be some fan crossover. 

Kiss Him, Not Me Cruncyroll (sub) Funimation Dub available on DVD etc. 12 Eps Total Manga 14/14 volumes available in English

“Kae Serinuma believes one thing—princes belong together! As an avid boy’s love fan, she loves nothing more than fantasizing about faux relationships between the boys at her school. But when she loses weight due to the stress of her favorite anime character dying suddenly the boys want…her?! From pretty average to prettiest girl, Kae just wants these boys to date each other, not her!”

Sub uses an irritating “Silly Fat Person” voice that the Dub doesn’t. CW for Sexual Assult, though it is depicted as a BAD thing and used for Kae to question why she is so into it when reading BL, when IRL it is terrifying? 

My Next Life as a Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom Crunchyroll (Dub/Sub) 12 Eps Total 

A TRULY Bisexual harem! After bumping her head, young Katarina Claes awakens with all the memories of her past life... and promptly realises she’s been re-incarnated as the antagonist of her favourite Otome Game! Determined this time to live past the age of 17, Katarina starts to make plans to turn all her enemies into allies through the power of kindness and understanding! Throughout the series, she tries harder and harder to avoid her doom flags... without realising that she’s turned those doom flags into romance flags! 

Katarina lives out the fantasy of going to magic school and eating cake as all the pretty people fall head over heels for her. A pity she’s too dim to notice.

Ouran High School Host Club Funimation (Dub/Sub) 24 eps total Manga: 18/18 volumes available in english 

Set in the high class elite private school of Ouran High, the Host Club exist to provide entertainment for the ladies of the school. Looking for a quiet place to study, Haruhi Fujioka, stumbles across the Host Club and in their haste to leave they knock over an ¥8,000,000 vase. Now she must earn that money back by working for the Host Club, all the while disguising the fact that she’s a girl. Not that she ever felt much like a girl before hand anyway. Along the way, she gets to know better the Cool Kyoya, the flamboyant Tamaki, the Mischievous Hikaru & Kaoru, the Strong and Silent Mori-senpai and the adorable Honey-senpai. Comedic Hijinks ensue! 

Slice of Life

The Emperor and I Manga: 4/4 volumes available in English on Shonen Jump App 

One day Kaho returns home from school to find an Emperor Penguin in her fridge. He quickly becomes a beloved part of the family, but a secret to the rest of the world who would want to take him away from them. Hijinks ensue. 

Kakushigoto Funimation (Dub/Sub) 12 Eps Total 

Doting single father, Kakushi Goto, is determined to hide the fact that he writes echhi humour manga for a living. He couldn’t bare it if his daughter were to ever find out the truth, the shame of his profession only alienating her. A laugh out loud series that will suddenly cut you deep as it explores the nature of grief and familial love. 

My Brother’s Husband Manga: 2/2 volumes available in English 

“Yaichi, a stay-at-home single father, lives with his daughter Kana in suburban Tokyo. They are visited by Mike Flanagan, the widower of Yaichi's estranged twin brother Ryōji, who has traveled from his native Canada for three weeks to learn about Ryōji's past. Kana is fascinated by Mike and is immediately accepting of him, though Yaichi is hesitant to accept Mike as family.

While Yaichi is not overtly homophobic, Mike suggests that his tacit discomfort over his brother's sexuality drove a wedge between them that led to their estrangement. Mike's interactions with the family and neighborhood over the subsequent three weeks prompt Yaichi to confront his own prejudices around sex and sexuality, as his growing tolerance and eventual acceptance of Mike parallel his overcoming of his own homophobia.”

Whilst the trope of “the gay brother dies and the heterosexual brother learns not to be homophobic” might be over done in western media, the same is not true for Japan. It’s a heartfelt and honest look at grief and acceptance, as well as how the nature of family is changing all around the world... but attitudes are maybe conservative attitudes aren’t as quick to catch up. 

Nichijou: My Ordinary Life Funimation (Dub/Sub) 

So apparently everyone went “this show is undubbable! It relies too much on puns and untranslatable humour!” and then Howard Wang said “hold my beer” and did it. A bizarre comedy series set in a high school. It’s probably best known for the ongoing fight between the deer and the principal.  

Way of the Househusband Manga: 4/5+ (ongoing) volumes available in English  

After he meets and marries the career driven Miku, Tatsu AKA The Immortal Dragon decides to give up his life of crime to commit to being the worlds’ best husband. You’d be surprised at the transferable skills between a Yakuza enforcer and a house husband. From knowing how to efficiently cut up a slice of meat, to how to perfectly clean a bathroom of all evidence. Hilarious and heartwarming, Taki and Kyoko would be best bros. 

Slice of Life + Supernatural 

The Disastrous Life of Saiki K S1 Funimation (Dub/Sub) 24 episodes Netflix S1 (Dub/Sub) S2 & 3 (Sub) 50 episodes total 

“Saiki Kusuo is a typical 16-year-old high school student… except he has psychic powers. He can use them to get whatever he wants, but he also knows everything that people are thinking. Everything. No surprises, no secrets, no normal human experiences. He’s kept his powers in check since childhood, but with the temptations of high school now on his mind, he’s bending the rules—and spoons.“

Sabrina The Teenage Witch (2019)

Writer Kelly Thompson wears her magical girl influences on her sleeve in this new take on the Archie Classic. Sabrina is your regular teenager, except she is also a witch and so are her aunts. Hijinks (and Card Captor Sakura References) ensue. 

Toilet Bound Hanako-kun Funimation (Dub/Sub) 12 eps total Manga 13/13 Volumes available in English 

“Kamome Academy is rumored to have many mysteries, the strangest of which involves the mischievous ghost of Hanako-kun. When occult-loving high schooler Nene Yashiro accidentally becomes bonded to him, she uncovers a hidden world of supernatural beings. Now the two of them are conspiring to keep the peace between student and supernatural—that is, if they can only stay out of trouble themselves.“

Jughead (2015) 4 Volumes total

Bought to you in various parts by the creators of Squirrel Girl, Jughead combines slice of life with spy thriller, time travel and the joy of a good burger. Hilarious and heart warming, this run holds a special place in my heart as the one where Jughead was confirmed as canonically asexual and continues to express various aro/ace moods throughout the series. There’s a REASON my friends say I’m a Real Life Jughead.... 

Weathering With You - available digitally/physically 28th Sep. 2019

In June 2021, first year high schooler Hodaka Morishima leaves Kōzu-shima in order to get to Tokyo. When his ferry to the city is hit by a rainstorm, he is saved by Keisuke Suga, who runs a small occult magazine that’s looking for an assistant. As Hodaka becomes broke and struggles to find work, he meets Hina Amano, an employee of a McDonald’s restaurant. She takes pity on him and gives him food. After agreeing to work with Suga, Hodaka learns about the legend of the “sunshine girl” who can control the weather! It turns out that the newly unemployed Hina is a sunshine girl! And with her little brother, they start up their own business to bring sunshine to the never-ending rain of Tokyo. 

Yamada-kun and the Seven Witches Crunchyroll (Dub/Sub) 12 Episodes Total Manga: 22/28 volumes available in English 

After tripping on the stairs, School Bad Boy Ryu Yamada and Top Student Urara Shiraishi discover they can swap bodies with a kiss! They then learn that they’re not the only ones with magic powers in the school, and with the help of the Supernatural Studies Club they begin to track down the identities of the 7 witches of Suzaku High. 

This series really stretches my limits on fan service, but at least it does proceed to get a little even in terms of gender. It’s still a really rather sweet and romantic series, once you get past the boobs and panties. 

Your Name Netflix (Dub/Sub) Spin Off Manga “Your Name: Another Side: Earthbound” - 2/2 volumes available in English 

A modern take on the Red Sting of Fate mythos, Mitsuha and Taki are two teenagers tied together. Three times a week, Mitsuha will wake up in Taki’s body and live the life of a Tokyo School boy. In turn, Taki will wake up in Mitsuha’s body and learn what it is to be a Rural Shrine Maiden. A look at the bonds that tie us, and how fate won’t let two young people fall apart before they can meet. 

Also the animation is BEAUTIFUL and it made me cry. Like a lot. There’s a spin off manga called “Your Name: Another Side” that follows the same story but from the POV of Mitsuha’s friends and family. It really brings new light to the events and made me very emotional.

Mental Health 

Green Lanterns: Rebirth (2018)

Jessica Cruz suffers from PTSD and severer anxiety, seeing her utalising her will power to overcome those problems and harness that energy to help save the universe is so incredibly powerful and moving. 

Hawkeye (2012-2015) 4 Volumes 

The Fraction/Aja/Wu/Hollingworth Hawkeye run is widely considered one of the best superhero runs of all time. Fraction and Aja perfectly capture “functional depression” at its finest, and we watch as Clint Barton slowly burns all his bridges before being forced by his friends to sort his shit out and put them back together again. There’s also a whole issue that’s primarily written in sign language too. 

My Roomate is a Cat Funimation (Dub) Crunchyroll (Sub) 12 eps total 

“Mystery author Mikazuki would rather live in total isolation than deal with others. Getting a roommate is the last thing he’d ever do, until a stray cat sparks an idea for his next novel. After plucking the little killer off the streets, this four-legged muse inspires Mikazuki in ways he would have never expected. And for the street-wise cat, this human just opened the door to a whole new world.”

A Silent Voice (Manga/Movie) Movie: Netflix (Dub/Sub) 

“A former class bully reaches out to the deaf girl he’d tormented in grade school. He feels unworthy of redemption but tries to make things right.”

CW Attempted Suicide, bullying

Please watch the dub. Lexi Marman Cowden, who voices Shoko, is an ACTUAL hard-of-hearing actress. It makes for a more real and vulnerable performance that avoids the mild ableism of the Sub hiring a Hearing Actress and robot-ising her voice. 

Yuri!!! On ICE Crunchyroll (Sub) Funimation (Dub) 12 eps total 

“Yuri Katsuki makes his way to the Grand Prix ice skating competition as Japan’s top representative with his eyes on the prize. However, instead of celebrating, Yuri walks away defeated and ready to retire for good. But a run-in with champion Viktor Nikiforov and rising star Yuri Plisetsky ignites a new fire within him. With the two of them close by his side, Yuri will take to the ice once more.”

Yuri’s defeat sends him into a very relatable spiral of lack of self belief that he slowly starts to regain thanks to the help of Viktor. Part sports anime, part love story, all full of feels. 

The Dub is considered hit or miss depending on whether you like accents or not, but honestly it’s worth it for Sabat’s Christophe giacometti. Ayame walked, so Christophe could strut. 

Generic 

I’m gonna start by recommending the Shonen Jump App, it’s £1.99/month and gives you access to all their recent publications as well as their back catalogue in English! So you can read all of Boys Over Flowers, Nisekoi, Naruto, One Piece, Haikyuu, Assassination Classroom, My Hero Academia etc. for a fraction of the cost of buying the physicals! SO much manga at your finger tips! No, they don’t sponsor me but i wish they would. 

Astra Lost in Space Funimation (Dub/Sub) 12 Eps Total Manga: 5/5 volumes available in english, available on the Shonen Jump App

A group of teenagers on a school trip become Lost In Space and quickly discover a conspiracy is a foot. Part thriller, part comedy, saying anything more about this series would count as a spoiler given the number of plot twists throughout. 

Radiant Funimation (Dub) Crunchyroll (Sub) 42 eps total Manga: 13/13+ volumes available in english (ongoing series)

A french manga turned into a Japanese Anime.

“Seth, a sorcerer destined to find Radiant, sets his sights on Caislean Merlin for answers. He’s desperate to find out what the Knight Sorcerers know, but can he trust them? In the wake of all that is unknown, he digs deep within himself for the wisdom and confidence to control his powers. And as the world around him continues to grow with more magic and power, he gains strong new allies.”

The series has BIG Saturday Morning cartoon vibes. My 12 year-old self would have been ALL OVER this.

Batman Ninja (Netflix)  

What if a Japanese animation studio asked DC if they could make a batman movie? And then just threw a Japanese history book at it? What if there was time travel? What if the main batman villains were all feudal lords in Japan? What if everyone were Samari? What if Damian had a small animal companion he could communicate with using a flue? What if Jason’s hood was made out of wicker? What if Penguin had a penguin shaped mecha? 

A wild ride from start to finish that makes no sense but really, do you care? 

[a-very-fond-farewell]

The forbidden crack! Untamed prompts: 24/?

Role-reversed!AU (Song[Xiao]Xue): “Love at First Sight”

[villain!SL/investigator!XY]

[title is from a Kylie Minogue’ song and from nowhere else fight me]

[so. me is embarrassed to say this but. the idea comes from an Italian movie of the late 90’s.]

[which is to say that: (1) Italian comedies are rarely my thing bc they are (pardon my French, I don’t feel like switch to Italian rn) problematique most of the times; (2) it’s been 10 or so years since I last saw this particular movie and even if at the time I liked it I was probably sixteen at the time so... not the best judge also my memory is shit for actual plot points; (3) internalized homophobia runs in the Italian film industry; (4) it deals with criminal gangs and, even if the movie makes fun of them, it is still a sore topic in my country so... I’m not gonna go in detail for this ficlet. it is, in fact, just a prompt; (5) also there is a cop character and... well, I changed it into a private investigator bc fuck it; (6) ignore me, I’m emotional tonight.]

*

Married off. Him. To a lovely girl, for sure, but with a penchant for pickpocketing and letting her mouth run at the most inconvenient of times. The wedding is in six months. Song Lan has to laugh at that.

But Mother has been almost too complacent with him for the longest time, allowing him to play his games and get it on with too many women for him to care to keep track of. He may or may not have disrespected some of them and their powerful families in the past for being a serial womanizer. There’s a logic behind it, of course, but since his eye surgery he cannot seem to remember what that could have possibly been at the time.

The worst of all being that he doesn’t remember why he ever found women attractive in the first place. People of the Baixue Clan tried to cheer him up to no avail for months. They took him to brothels, called in his favorite rent-girls, tipped them extra, brought him out of town on vacation to distract him, but... nothing.

He feels like crying sometimes. He’s done. Broken. Nobody will ever take him seriously anymore now that he’s nothing but his mommy’s boy. Forget for a minute that his mother is keeping the entire Yi City in check by enforcing her law on other clans. Let alone that her word has ruled over rascals and rogue hotheads for decades just by letting them hear her name. BaoShan Sanren would have not forgiven him for turning down the daughter of a competing family, that’s for sure.

Sometimes Song Lan looks down at himself, dressed in ridiculously flashy buttondowns open at the collar, with black jackets and fitting trousers, embezzled shoes on his long feet... and he wants to shriek. He hates everything about himself and he doesn’t know where to start. He doesn’t recognize himself anymore, almost as if his mind had changed about everything he believed to know.

At least he can see again. That should be enough, right?

*

It should have seen it fucking coming, Xue Yang knows this much.

A bullet to the heart would have hurt him less, but it’s been a year since his husband’s death and he’s done. He’s fucking done. Throwing himself away like that, recklessly accepting new cases one after the other just because. He’s got nothing to come home for anyway.

But as he disinfects the slash of a dagger on his shoulder, he wonders if there’s more to life than this. A dirty bathroom where he and his husband used to shave in the morning together before work. A stuffy apartment filled with unwanted memories. Mold on the ceiling, laughter rising to the sky every night before Xiao XingChen died. Before everything else left with him.

Xue Yang flinches when the alcohol stings badly on the cut and he chugs some vodka down for good measure as he prepares to stitch the gaping wound back together. The flame scorches the needle until it becomes almost white and he wonders, not for the first time, how it would feel to just... stop. He cried so much he doesn’t have tears left anymore.

The last time he saw his husband’s beautiful face it was at the morgue, where a dispassionate woman in white had asked him to confirm his identity. She asked him if he had formally agreed to put his husband’s name on the list of organ donors. He refused in the beginning... and then thought about it. About what his righteous husband would have wanted him to do.

Letting go of him –of any part of him, really– so soon tore him apart.

Since there was nothing left of Xiao XingChen, it was just right for not a single thing of Xue Yang to be left in his wake as well.

Well, aside from the pain. But that was to be expected after all.

He had never deserved anything but pain in his life.

Fuck that. Fuck that shit.

*

Mother asked him to look for a mole in the group, but he found a mere nobody snooping around in their area instead. Searching for what, he doesn’t know. But, as he crowds the other man in a dark alley behind the secret entry of their club, Song Lan cannot help himself from staring.

The laundromat from where their regular patrons usually enter to play is open 24/7, the flickering light coming from its open door casting just... the loveliest shadows on the younger man’s face. He’s shorter, much shorter than him. Possibly in his early thirties. Dressed nicely with a gun pointed at Song Lan... but he doesn’t care.

It’s almost as if something has fallen back in its original place and Song Lan is filled with elation. He has never felt more relieved or happy in his life. It feels like a second chance at life, an opportunity he doesn’t want to let slide through his fingers this time around.

He grasps the other man’s hand holding the gun and directs it upwards in a swift move. A bullet cuts through the air as he pushes the shorter man up to the laundromat window, neon lights dancing on Song Lan’s face. Soon people from the club will rush to his aid, knowing full well that he’s out looking for a snitch. He doesn’t have time, so he takes a good look at the person at his mercy.

He knows him.

And he falls in love, immediately.

*

The shot still rings in his ear, the gun burning in his outstretched hand, now caught in a vicious grasp. Xue Yang flinches as he looks up and gets ready to defend himself. He was just following a useless son of a bitch lying to his wife about not playing cards and losing all of their money. He would have never thought it would turn so bad so soon. Usually he gets away quickly enough, running for his life as usual...

...but this is different.

His gaze meets Xiao XingChen’s eyes and he freezes on the spot. He would recognize them anywhere, the same glassy quality to them, the same softness around them. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Because the one in front of him looks nothing like his husband.

And yet he knows him.

He knows what it feels to be looked with fondness and longing by one Xiao XingChen.

Fuck, he missed that.

He missed that so much.

*

[additional nonsense under the cut, bc. I am me]

[the original movie is a comedy, but I saw this post while I was writing the prompt and now it’s a fucking urban-noir kind of deal baby!]

[am I procrastinating another ficlet (slowly turning into a 20k monster bc I’m stupid) by writing this prompt instead? no. what are you talking about?]

[i wanted SL to have a family, but I had no idea what the people at the Temple would have looked like or acted around him, so I imagined BaoShan Sanren hoarding children as she goes (which is canon anyway) but she’s a villain in this bc I’m an asshole.]

[SL is the only one of her children to have an actual father, hence he’s the only one with a last name different from Sanren (which I know is a title but let. me. live. *kissy face* :* :* :* many thanks.]

[I offer Lan QiRen as a tribute for fatherhood, even if I know SL’s surname is written like “mist”, while the Lan Sect is named after the character for “blue”. but let me dream.]

[also I just like the idea of SL’s auntie or big sister being WWX’s mother for no other reason that this is a silly prompt and I need to fill these additional notes with something vaguely resembling a plot.]

[if you want another role-reversed!au check this other (wangxian) prompt of mine. then check all the others and have fun.]

[in the movie there was a scene where the widower runs on a horse to save the man he (begrudgingly) has come to care about from his wedding.]

[for the majority if not the entirety of the movie the widower sees something of his dead wife in the criminal (who received the wife’s eyes through transplant) and denies any attraction to him until the end... even if he runs away with him.]

[the criminal has changed since the transplant and became somewhat a decent person. in the end he runs away with the widower.]

[I wanted actual romance, not plausible deniability, thanks. hence this stupid prompt someone might like, maybe.]

[if you write something based on this prompt (the most angsty or hurt/comfort-y the better, but also fluff or *coughs*smut*coughs* is good) send me an ask. I want to read it! :D]

ok now I go back to my 20k-and-counting monster fic. bye!!

[nerdywrites]

The Summer Soldier (part 7)

Pairing: Eventual Peter Parker x Stark!reader, Tony Stark x daughter!reader

Summary: When the Secretary of State tells them about the Sokovia Accords, (Y/n) has to decide between family and beliefs. 

Warnings: Mild language

A/N: Sorry I don't have time to answer your messages or post as fast, I am on vacation right now!

Masterlist   Series Masterlist

Tony barely talked when he got home to the tower. He had been out giving a grant to college students at MIT, but (Y/n) suspected something else happened based on his attitude. 

He couldn’t get the conversation he had just had with the woman near the elevator about her son.

“His name was Charlie Spencer. You murdered him, in Sokovia. Not that that matters in the least to you. You think you fight for us? You just fight for yourself. Who’s going to avenge my son, Stark? He’s dead, and I blame you. You have a daughter, right? Imagine she died, and no one noticed, no one cared, but you.”

Tony continued to stay silent on the way over to the facility where they were meeting the rest of the team, and the Secretary of State, for reasons (Y/n) didn’t know. But it couldn’t be good.

--

“Five years ago, I had a heart attack. Dropped right in the middle of my backswing.” he acted as though he was swinging a golf club “Turned out it was the best round of my life, because after 13 hours of surgery and a triple bypass, I found something 40 years in the army had never taught me. Perspective.”

The Avengers watched him intently, all wondering where he was going with his story.

“The world owes the Avengers an unpayable debt. You have fought for us, protected us, risked your lives. But while a great many people see you as heroes, there are some who would prefer the word ‘vigilantes’.”

“And what word what you use, Mr. Secretary?” Natasha’s voice held annoyance, but it seemed no one else could tell.

“How about ‘dangerous’? What would you call a group of US-based, enhanced individuals, who routinely ignore sovereign borders, and inflict their will wherever they choose, and who, frankly, seem unconcerned about what they leave behind?”

Still, no one spoke. Their expressions gave away what they were thinking, but (Y/n) didn’t have time to figure it out before the Secretary pulled up a map with many little green dots scattered throughout.

Every time he said a city name, the dot became larger and showed footage of the avengers battles, always where the most wreckage was.

“New York, Washington D.C., Sokovia...”

Every time he switched to another city, someone on the team looked down at their lap, not wanting to see what he was showing. For (Y/n), it was Sokovia, the first time she had ever fought as an Avenger.

“Lagos”

(Y/n) put a reassuring hand on Wanda’s arm as the girl looked away, her eyes filled with guilt and sorrow. 

She desperately wanted to yell at the man to shut up and turn the stupid thing off, but she knew the consequences would most likely effect the whole team and not just herself.

“Okay, that’s enough” Steve said, also noticing Wanda’s reaction.

“For the past four years” he continued after turning off the screen “You’ve operated with unlimited power and no supervision. That’s an arrangement the governments of the world can no longer tolerate. But I think we have a solution” 

He was handed a thick booklet that was passed around the table. “The Sokovia Accords. Approved by 117 countries, it states that the Avengers shall no longer be a private organization. Instead, they’ll operate under the supervision of a United Nations panel, only when and if that panel deems it necessary.”

The booklet was passed to (Y/n), and the only thing she knew as she was holding it in her hands, was that she would never under any circumstances agree or support what they were planning. 

“The Avengers were formed to make the world a safer place. I feel we’ve done that.” Steve spoke, and (Y/n) silently cheered him on.

“Tell me, Captain, do you know where Thor and Banner are right now?” Steve only looked at him “If I misplaced a group of 30 megaton nukes, you can bet there’d be consequences. Compromise. Reassurance. That’s how the world works. Believe me, this is the middle ground.”

Rhodes put his hand on the book “So, there are contingencies.”

The Secretary nodded “Three days from now the UN meets in Vienna to ratify the Accords.”

Steve turned to look at Tony, who had his head down, as the Secretary told them to “Talk it over.”

As he was leaving, Natasha asked him one final question “And if we come to a decision you don’t like?”

“Then you retire.”

--

Everyone was arguing over what they were going to do.

Rhodes was yelling at Sam about how Secretary Ross had a Congressional Medal of Honor, Steve was reading the Accords, and Tony was laying down with his hand over his face.

(Y/n) had a suspension he was going to sign it, she hoped she was wrong.

“So let’s say we agree to this thing.” Sam yelled “How long before they LoJack us like a bunch of common criminals?”

“117 countries want to sign this” Rhodes pointed out “117, Sam, and you’re just like ‘No, that’s cool. We got it.’”

Sam responded by asking “How long are you going to play both sides?”

Before he could say anything else, Vision spoke “I have an equation.”

“Oh this will clear it up” Sam said, sarcasm dripping in his voice.

Vision ignored him “In the eight years since Mr. Stark announced himself as Iron Man the number of known enhanced persons has grown exponentially. During the same period the number of potentially world-ending events has risen at a commensurate rate.”

“Are you saying it’s our fault?” Steve was getting defensive.

“I’m saying there may be a causality. Our very strength invites challenge. Challenge incites conflict. And conflict breeds catastrophe. Oversight...oversight is not an idea that can be dismissed out of hand.”

“Boom” Rhodes looked at Sam.

“Tony” Natasha pointed the attention at him. “You’re being uncharacteristically non-hyperverbal.”

(Y/n) hoped with every ounce of her being that he was about to say something against the Accords.

”That’s cause he’s already made up his mind” Steve concluded her worst fear.

“Boy, you know me so well.” he sat up “Actually I’m nursing an electromagnetic headache. That’s what’s going on, Cap, it’s just pain. It’s discomfort.” he was getting a cup of coffee “Who’s putting coffee grounds in the disposal? Am I running a bed and breakfast for a biker gang?”

He got something out of his pocket, set it on the counter, and pressed the screen, causing a holographic picture of a teenage boy to show up. “Oh, that’s Charles Spencer, by the way. He’s a great kid. Computer engineering degree, 3.6 GPA, had a floor-level gig at Intel planned for the fall. But first, he wanted to put a few miles on his soul before he parked it behind a desk. See the world. Maybe be of service. Charlie didn’t want to go to Vegas or Fort Lauderdale, which is what I would do. He didn’t go to Paris or Amsterdam, which sounds fun. He decided to spend his summer building sustainable housing for the poor. Guess where. Sokovia.”

Everyone glanced down, knowing how the story ended, guilt covering each of their faces. 

“He wanted to make a difference, I suppose. We wouldn’t know because we dropped a building on him while we were kicking ass.” he took a sip of his coffee. “There’s no decision-making process here. We need to be put in check! Whatever form that takes, (Y/n) and I are game.”

She looked up, guilt pooling in her eyes and an ‘I’m sorry’ look written on her face. “I’m not”

I was quiet, but everyone heard it. There was silence as they all turned to her.

“Not everyone can be saved. That’s what we all tell each other when we feel guilty over something that’s happened. Now you think you can somehow reverse that just because you take away our freedom to do what the Avengers were started to do? We’ve always done more good than harm, otherwise we wouldn’t do what we do. These Accords will ruin us. So I’m sorry, but no, I won’t be supporting it”

“If we can’t accept limitations, if we’re boundary-less, we’re no better than the bad guys.” he tried to convince her. Tony only cared what she thought. He knew Steve would go the other way, Sam and some others to, but he never imagined what it would feel like if his daughter followed them.

“Tony” Steve looked at him “If someone dies on your watch, you don’t give up.”

“Who said we’re giving up?”

“We are if we aren’t taking responsibility for our actions. This document just shifts the blame.”

“I’m sorry, Steve. That is dangerously arrogant.”

(Y/n) looked at Rhodes in surprise, Steve Rogers was anything but arrogant.

He continued “This is the United Nations we’re talking about. It’s not the World Security Council, it’s not S.H.I.E.L.D., it’s not HYDRA-”

Steve cut him off “No, but it’s run by people with agendas, and agendas change.”

“That’s good” Tony joined in “That’s why I’m here. When I realized what my weapons were capable of in the wrong hands I shut it down and stopped manufacturing.” 

He was standing dangerously close to where Cap was sitting, and he turned to face him, “Tony, you chose to do that. If we sign this we surrender our right to choose. What if this panel sends us somewhere we don’t think we should go? What if there is somewhere we need to go and they don’t let us? We may not be perfect, but the safest hands are still our own.”

Tony shook his head “If we don’t do this now, it’s gonna be done to us later. That’s the fact. That won’t be pretty.”

Wanda was silent until this point “You’re saying they’ll come for me?”

“We would protect you” Vision promised.

“Maybe Tony’s right” Natasha shocked even the Stark himself “If we have one hand on the wheel, we can still steer. If we take it off-”

“Aren’t you the same woman who told the government to kiss her ass a few years ago?” Sam asked.

“I’m just reading the terrain. We have made some very public mistakes. We need to win their trust back.”

Tony leaned on the couch “Focus up. I’m sorry. Did I just mishear you, or did you agree with me?”

“I want to take it back now” (Y/n) almost laughed.

“No, you can’t retract it. Thank you. Unprecedented. Okay, case closed. I win.”

(Y/n) saw Steve look at his phone before excusing himself from the meeting and hurrying out quickly. She was worried, seeing the expression on his face just before he left.

She soon found out it was because Peggy had died, but she wasn’t quite sure who Peggy was.

--

It was at the end of the funeral that Steve got the chance to ask Natasha who else had signed the Accords.

“Tony, Rhodey, Vision.”

“Clint?”

“Says he’s retired.”

“(Y/n)?”

“Made the point that contracts signed by minors aren’t legally binding. I think she just wanted to lighten the blow for Tony. He’s hurting a lot more than he shows.”

Steve nodded “Wanda?”

“TBD. I’m off to Vienna for the signing of the Accords, there’s plenty of room on the jet.” Steve sighed “Just because it’s the path of least resistance doesn’t mean it’s the wrong path. Staying together is more important than how we stay together.”

“What are we giving up to do it? I’m sorry, Nat. I can’t sign it.”

“I know.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

“I didn’t want you to be alone. Come here.”

The two hugged one last time before everything went wrong.

--

Tag List:

If I missed you or you want to be added, just let me know :)

@thellamalord @embrace-themagic @for-my-mind @dreamingofbluehair @farfromjustordinary @mgutim430 @spider-stud @green-lxght @songofgratitude @vxidnik @lubrielx @starks-girl @yuukyuu-no-uta @unicorngummybears @lilulo-12 @barmecide-love @rosevoiid @prancingdestiel @basicmarvelbitch  @lilaqueenquinn @thgleslie @inaudiblevocalizing @emiliatheunicorn @glitter-rian @determinedpines @westallengirforeverl14 

[cviperfan]

OKAY DEATH NOTE 2017 THOUGHTS

Under a cut for length not spoilers because honestly who fucking cares

-So the movie commits many sins but principle among them are two 1) The Death Note is basically just a vehicle for gore porn, pretty much indistinguishable functionally from any other 'Cursed Object' type horror movie.  There's lip service paid to the suspense trappings of the original work but Wingard is clearly much more interested in the kind of brutal deaths that can be extracted from the Death Note's flexibility of options and far less in the moral quandaries that such an object would create, and Wingard's pre-release interview that expressed an interest in creating a Hard-R version of the story was at least for me a clear indicator that he was Wrong for the project, since grisly deaths are not what makes the story interesting, or in fact are even a priority.  The fact that the default way the Death Note kills in the original canon is a heart attack (by all intents a fairly 'clean' method of death) is there for a reason, as is the 2017 version's curious decision to specifically omit that detail.

(In Wingard's interview he expresses a desire to include the "adult themes of anime" which specifically include "nudity, swearing, tons of violence" to him, which suggests that his familiarity with the medium starts and ends with Ninja Scroll and nothing else and that he probably didn't actually watch Death Note outside of a cliffs notes he had an intern scribble out or something)

2) And this is much more fundamentally antithetical to the original work, but Light's transition from Villain protagonist to Reluctant Misunderstood Anti-Hero.

in the original canon it's certainly possible to find Light's end goal aspirational, even if the actual empathy with Light himself doesn't last very long, and part of the paradox of the manga/anime is Light being a pointedly and unmistakably Terrible Person while also being a compellling and interesting protagonist.  Even if you don't necessarily want Light to succeed, watching him operate and maneuver through various obstacles on the path to his goal is fascinating on its own terms.

Death Note 2017!Light, by contrast, is given great, excruciating measures to make him Highly Sympathetic to the audience, and indeed we are meant to interpret him specifically as a Good Kid Who Took A Wrong Turn and is now Way In Over His Head.  His mom died at the hands of Joe Chill a crook who got away with it, giving him a nice clean Batman justification, he's bullied at school, is extremely concerned with his actions being percieved as good and perhaps most crucially, tries to limit his body count outside of criminals (American!Light reacts extremely negatively to the mere IDEA of killing his dad when he calls Kira out, whereas canon!Light, while certainly not enthusiastic about the idea, was right there weighing the pros and cons, reasonably prepared to do so if he proved to be enough of a problem).

He doesn't even use the Death Note initially of his own volition; Ryuk has to be there to straight-up Devil on His Shoulder-him into it (in a hilariously over-the-top introduction, more on that later), and Misa (sorry, MIA) is constantly pushing him to go darker when his resolve wavers, and indeed seems way more into the idea of using the Death Note on a visceral level than Light is.

All of this is contrary to one of the crucial points of Death Note in its original form-- Light was a person of privilege surrounded by a loving family and with infinite potential who had absolutely no reason to have become a power-hungry arbiter of "justice" with a god complex, and yet when a bit of power happened to fall into his hands that's exactly what he became.  He didn't need a traumatic event or a bad situation to become Kira, just the possibility that he could do it and get away with it.  

But even in a Death Note adaptation where the first death we get is someone's head being cut off at the jaw with a fucking ladder, this seems like too dark a conclusion for Adam Wingard to come to, so even when his body count starts rising we get constant excuses and reminders that he's A Good Kid, Honest, He's Really Trying To Do The Right Thing He's Just Got So Many Bad Influences That Pushed Him This Way and in the face of the original work's frankness (and Wingard's talk of "adult themes") this just comes off as cloying and toothless.

Nevermind that in light (heh) of the extremely whitewashed nature of this adaptation, the almost fetishistic effort of the writing team to sanitize Troubled White Teen Boy Light Turner (Who Has His Whole Life Ahead Of Him) of as much active culpability as possible is certainly quite telling isn't it

Okay that out of the way, time for some just Random Bad Shit lol

-just so we know exactly what we're dealing with and what director Adam Wingard thinks is cool one of the very first shots of the movie is Misa (sorry, MIA) at cheerleading practice but see she's not like THOSE OTHER SHEEPLE who are all ACTUALLY PRACTICING AT CHEER PRACTICE SHE'S A COOL DISAFFECTED REBEL BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T WANNA PRACTICE AT CHEER PRACTICE god look at these PHONIES all having fun and laughing OUR GIRL IS SO COOL SHE'D MUCH RATHER SMOKE AND LOOK BORED WHAT A BADASS -And like later in the movie she's all to Light "I'M A CHEERLEADER nothing i ever did mattered before i met you!!" like then WHY ARE YOU A CHEERLEADER WHY WERE YOU THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?????? YOU CAN DO LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE MY KIDDO -So the Light/Mia relationship is kind of a mess because not only do they try and play it up as the emotional lynchpin of the narrative (no, for real) but the reversal with Mia being the one who becomes super obsessed with the Death Note (even to the point where she tries to set up Light to die so she can get it) and her being the Other Bad Influence on Light really manages to make even the original Death Note's bad track record with its women fucking shine by comparison.  If the original Light/Misa dynamic was basically a Joker/Harley setup written by someone who understood that it's an abusive relationship, new!Light/Mia is the Hot Topic Romanticized Joker/Harley but also Joker is the Real Victim here apparently -Like they literally get off to using the Death Note together and make out while scanning the internet for targets-- like there COULD absolutely be a place for there to be commentary on Bored Well-Off White Kids abusing power for the fun of it, but again there's no room for insight when there's those practical gore effects to throw around -Dear god there is not a HINT of subtlety in this fucking thing, an especially egregious stylistic choice when the manga/anime is (while ofc prone to Light's.... extreme and borderline comically evil reactions) overwhelmingly grounded with-- especially compared to many anime and manga in general-- comparatively moderate supernatural elements and touches, especially in terms of its visual detail and art direction.  Wingard's Death Note on the other hand, has thunderstorms AND flickering lights that accompany Ryuk's appearances until they... don't (ARE YOU PICKING UP THE SUBTLE FAUSTIAN ELEMENTS HERE AUDIENCE????????), a trip through a Spooky Dark Abandoned Mansion that features a close-up of a busted doll accompanied by a creepy child's laugh NO REALLY IM SERIOUS and deaths that frequently end in torrents of blood because that's what we're really here for apparently -Speaking of a lack of subtlety, while I get the logic in casting Dafoe for Ryuk he ends up being both underutilized and a sadly uninteresting choice, since the apparent direction for him to go more Norman Osbourne really takes away any degree of ambiguity Ryuk has as a patently neutral party in the whole thing (at least as far as the original goes; this really wants to set him up as a Red Herring possible antagonist in a thread that goes absolutely nowhere and ends up meaning nothing).  Like I think he could have worked if the performance was a little lower-key and he had not-terrible writing to work with, but at least someone's having fun in this mess so wth -L fans are gonna be fucking pissed off because HOLY HELL they didn't not fuck him up either -Canon L: Sherlock Holmes but with sweets instead of hard drugs and also he sits weird sometimes -Death Note 2017!L: Fucking Weirdo Asshole With Bizarre Rituals galore and also he can't sleep without Watari awkwardly singing the greatest hits of Celine Dion SHUT UP IM SERIOUS because okay -So the wierd race bullshit definitely doesn't stop at Light because the framing of L (who is played by Keith Stanfield, a black actor and OH BOY I CAN ALREADY HEAR THE IMNOTRACISTBUTS COMING IN) is pointedly, aggressively antagonistic.  Rather than giving Stanfield the collected, analytical, somewhat awkward detective characterized in the source material, Death Note 2017's L's erratic tics and behaviourisms are meant to make the audience find him uncomfortable rather than compelling in his own right, because autistic-coded super detective is such an interesting and not at all gross and played-out formation of a character.  Because again, the movie has no real interest in being suspenseful or focusing on the cat-and-mouse game, L figures out that Light is Kira with very little deduction or buildup, and indeed aside from a pointedly brief midpoint conversation and a completely stupid and pointless chase scene near the end, the two barely interact, so the whole aspect of two strong wills directly competing within inches of each other is tossed aside. -Also WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT A SCENE OF A YOUNG BLACK MAN BEING SLAMMED INTO A TABLE AND NEARLY CHOKED OUT BY A WHITE COP WITH ANGER ISSUES AND A SELF-RIGHTEOUS STREAK IN DEFENSE OF A GUILTY WHITE KID WHO ULTIMATELY GETS AWAY WITH IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TASTE WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT -Speaking of poor taste we couldn't find more than one Japanese actor for a speaking role (Watari, natch, with barely a handful of lines) BUT WE CERTAINLY COULD FOR THIS SEX CLUB SCENE WITH A ROOM PACKED FULL OF DEAD JAPANESE PEOPLE IN FETISH GEAR -Ryuk himself also looks Fuckin Bad and they know it since the overwhelming majority of his shots are him BLURRED THE FUCK OUT IN MIDDLE DISTANCE OR OFF IN THE CORNER -"many people have tried to write the 4 letters in my name into the Death Note but nobody has gotten farther than 2 :)" your full name was literally in there but ok -"all the deaths have to be physically possible" Ferris Wheel magically collapses for no reason to facilitate a death -"I need L's full name to kill him, I'll just take control of Watari with the Death Note EVEN THOUGH WATARI IS A FUCKING ALIAS" and also if this was in fact his real name and L knew it WHY WOULD HE HAVE LET HIM GO AROUND WITH HIS FACE UNCOVERED LIKE????????????????????????????????? -Reveals L without ceremony during the nightclub murder investigation/pretends like there's a mystery and a reveal to be had for the audience and awkwardly attempts to re-enact bits of the original introduction to the character anyway

Ultimately there's more that I'm probably forgetting but wow Death Note 2017 is just impressively dumb.  Like, original Death Note could get pretty dumb especially in the last half, but that was more a case of working itself into a corner over time and its reach extending beyond its grasp on occasion.  This just has no aspirations to even try.

Like, shit, I honestly don't like Death Note all that much but I can at least appreciate that it has some weight to it and made an effort to build a complex character-driven narrative while proposing a thoughtful moral paradox, which is more than I can say for the 'fans' who wanted to adapt it and decided this was the best possible approach lmao

[gywair]

I finally watched Endgame. I’d put it off a week since its release. It felt like planning to attend a funeral. This series has been part of my life for a decade. Going to see the cumulation of over twenty films felt too heavy to see. Putting it off only made the tension build though. Finally, bite the Infinity Stone and ordered tickets.

First, I watched it in “4DX”. This is similar to the theme park rides that started popping up that are a mixed medium experience. So the seats move, air blasts at you, there are water effects, lights flash, and even smells get pumped into the room. In theory, this seems really interesting but usually, I go to movies I don’t care about to try out new gimmicks. My first 3D film was My Bloody Valentine. It was silly and fun. It also helped me adjust to what a 3D movie would be.

My first 4DX-like experience was the Empire State Building ride as narrated by Kevin Bacon. A sentence that makes me feel like I suffered a stroke while writing but is a real thing that exists that I have experienced. It’s been a few years since that and I think it lasted less than 20 minutes (probably less). Sitting for an entire movie seemed like a whole different worm can.

For me, I didn’t really like it. The water, lights, and smells were cool. The smoke was nice too. The seat, however, is made for someone slightly smaller. So when Iron Man gets kicked in his kidneys, oh spoilers BTW, the seat hits you too like a demented message chair. I think normally it would softly strike you in the back on your rib cage. For me, it went straight to my soft organs. This made the fights are to concentrate on (a problem for a movie about fighting). Likewise, little jets of compressed air go off just above your head. For me, they were pointed directly into my ears. So each time they fired off, I couldn’t hear and had the painful sensation of a ghost giving me a wet willy (I’m also blessed with ear problems so your experience may vary).

Anyway, big thoughts:

The Good:

The job of wrapping up 20+ movies was a big task. This film does that. It has a large cast of characters and several errant storylines to wrap up in a short timeframe. Cause even with 3-hours, this felt like there was still more to say. Which isn’t bad cause that means there can still be more films but for a chapter closer it was ambitious.

I was satisfied by the investment I’ve made into the franchise. This was a fitting close to this chapter. Each film contributed in ways that made the complete journey feel fluid and necessary.

It makes several subversions of expectations. Not just for characters but for narrative design. It kept me guessing the entire time. Even with seeing a handful of tiny spoilers, I was never sure what was going to happen.

Avengers served up heaping mounds of gratuitous fan service in the best ways possible. Sometimes this can be very bad like in animes when the whole episode is about boys spying on girls in a hot tub. Here, it’s Captain America fighting a copy of himself or Professor Hulk half-assing some smashing. One of the best parts of the film is about time travel. Here they show off fan-favorite Loki popping up at different points in history.

One important aspect to me for a story of any kind is how much foreknowledge a viewer needs before starting the work. If you watch Pirates of the Carribean 3 or Return of the Jedi, you will be pretty confused. However, you can pick up just about any Marvel movie anywhere in the series and have a fair idea of what is going on. This continues in this installment. Some context is lost or hidden but anything you need to know is shown/told/explained to you. This, for me, is what makes a story stand on its own legs.

See?! This scene just makes sense all on its own.

The Bad:

With so many cooks in the kitchen, there are still weird dangling problems in the continuity. Things still feel left open to interpretation. Even the filmmakers didn’t agree on how elements in the film worked which is something that should have been determined before the first Avengers movie was written. It feels haphazard with how certain things were written off or ignored.  This plays well into feeling like a comic book where different creators retrofit things to fit their narrative but it still felt jarring.

For example, in Captain Marvel, the cat has a stone. Well… so does Thanos… but also now Loki… There is a lot going on and even a whole (if well delivered) exposition still didn’t completely cover all their bases. It feels like they slapped it together at random at times. I get that they can play with the timeline literally but I feel like there were still a lot of open questions that should have been answered that weren’t.

I could rewatch all the movies (read as: will eventually) to get the full context. This makes the act of enjoying these films more academic though than just for pleasure viewing. It’s not that I don’t want to do this but for casual viewers, there was a lot of backstories to keep up with to get each nod.

The Ugly:

After years of hearing that fans want more women characters, the film tried to give them the limelight for an action sequence. The rest of the film is mostly about a boys’ club rushing around doing action hero stuff. Yes, Nebula and Black Widow make important contributions to the plot but they feel sidelined or overshadowed by the boys. The problem here is that the women are treated more like set dressing than people important to the plot to move ahead. If Spiderman had finished running the Infinity Glove to the van it would have served the same device. Instead, they made a big show of having the girls team up for a few seconds.

Supposedly this movie was gonna have a “Big Gay Film Moment” TM that would make people happen. Instead, it just suggested that gay people do actually exist. IDK man, like that, is a pretty cold take. If Warmachine and Bucky had started making out after the big fight I would have been cheering my head off. I’m not upset by any means. This is more of a missed opportunity for the filmmakers to do something and instead, they took the safest path.

  Hope you weren’t invested in Starlord and Gamora cause that entire trio of films is pretty much null now so far as character development for Gammy. She had an awesome arc. Then they killed her off. Then she comes back but now she doesn’t know Quill. Okay, well this means that other dead people come back… right? Oh, no? Vision and Black Widow are still gone? Weird… I heard this is cause they were killed pre-Snap BUT so was Gamora and they got her back. I think they were just running out of time. I hope Scarlet Witch gets to go back to her robo-boyfriend.

Was that all just a wild middle finger to Gunn? That’d be drama.

The funeral… why isn’t anyone crying? Everyone seems so calm. Is this like when you have already been to like six superhero funerals that week and five are already back on their feet?

I told myself I wasn’t gonna cry.

Characters:

Alright, so this film had way too many characters to really cover perfectly as a group. I have some stray thoughts on several, however.

Hulk is my new boyfriend and I will fight you for him. Banner has made peace with himself and created a half-way point between Hulk and himself. Now he is permanently strong and smart. This is wonderful for character development as he finally finds the peace and belonging that he has wanted since Edward Norton tore up downtown as the rage-y green giant. His new hipster persona felt satisfying and fresh for the film universe. Something of a reversal of the Ragnarok Hulk.

Captain America finally bangs and accepts his position as “America’s Ass”. I’m so proud of my boy. He’s all grown up.

It took Iron Man a decade but Tony Stark finally discovered how to care about something other than himself. His character arc is the film universe’s arc to this point. He was the foundation for everything that came after. This film serves as much an Iron Man movie as it is an Avengers’.

Black Widow kind of gets the shaft here. She began as a coldhearted assassin and ends up as the corporate mom leading the heroes’ home base. There is so much to still unpack for her. Her character has so much potential just under the surface but no one seems to be interested digging into it. I mean Scarlett Johansson “kills” in the role but this movie doesn’t really give her anything to do except talk to Hawkeye…

Hawkeye tried to be the Marvel Aquaman comeback kid and he just comes off as edgy but not in a good way. More like a midlife crisis day buys a motorcycle than the Crow. Like, he tries to make it sound like his entire career of being an assassin was more good than being an assassin now. He does get a brutal back story but I feel like he falls short of reaching his character potential here. He does get some cool scenes and then just gets shoved to the back of the movie.

Thor is bae. He has a brutal journey to this movie but he gets a lot of character work here. His beer belly hermit hijinks provide a much needed comedic break. I also cried like a baby over him.

Rocket has finally gotten some growth as a person. In this movie, he gets to interact with the core team more. This was a lot of fun because of his sass with characters like Iron Man. Also, he finally dons his iconic blue flight suit and red scarf–not important but it was a fun Easter egg.

It only took two Guardians and an Avengers but they finally let Karen Gillan really make Nebula rule. Gillan is a fabulous actor so it was always painful that Nebula just ran around screaming. In Endgame, she finally gets to have some real personal moments that don’t feel weird. Paper football was the best scene honestly for the emotion and narrative. I mean, her whole career as a sour rage junky comes to a boiling point and then she FINALLY gets to open up the tiniest bit with Tony. I really hope there is something… anything in the future where she gets to be this new fun Nebula. It’s like your weird aunt went on vacation and actually had some personal growth and brings you back some neat shells and a guy named Desmond for herself.

Ant-Man got some funny moments in but nothing to really write home about. He was our Joe McEverydude here and it worked fine. I’m baffled at the taco scene but it was worth it for Hipster Hulk to share with him. Like, I know Scott Lang as a character isn’t super bright. That’s his whole thing. But, I just can’t understand what would drive him to go outside the fancy building to eat tacos on a bench facing the jet landing pad.

Warmachine got some interesting developments here. I’m sad now that he didn’t get to build a romance with Nebula (that is just barely suggested here). He felt like a full member of the team rather than just a sidekick from movies past.

The Falcon & Bucky were there. I really wish there had been some kind of closure or growth moment for them. In Winter Soldier, they were at each other’s neck. Now they seem cool. A friendly word or a high five could have sold me on their growth but they kind of get forgotten instead. I was never gonna see my Falcon-Bucky slash make it to the silver screen but would it have killed the Russos to have one heated kiss between these two obviously boyfriend material lads.

**EDIT** —–> THERE IS A SPIN OF THESE DORKS. OMG.

Alright. I’m psyched for this.

Captain Marvel comes in at the end of this list just like she did in the movie. That’s right, she shows up as a Deus ex Machina and looks cool but really got burned here. She deserved better. She just drops in for a minute to help and then jets. Still cool but she gets no development here. Her movie rules though so I’m gonna forgive it. Mostly. That said, it was wild to see basically an Amy Dangerous on screen and that was special for me.

Closing Thoughts:

It was a really fun movie. I may never watch it again. Just like the other Avengers, it’s a good time but it feels more like a spectacle than a great film. That’s not bad but when I watch a film, I wanna see characters grown in new unexpected ways. I want to see hard choices and emotions. Those moments were there but as little islands between big budget action scenes. I really enjoyed it but for the same amount of time, I might just watch Ragnorok again or Detective Pikachu. Finishing this movie felt like the end of a long (20 movie) hike. It was a great adventure. The fun of it was the friends we made along the way. I don’t regret a minute of it.

But it feels good to be at the end.

For now.

Endgame Thoughts I finally watched Endgame. I'd put it off a week since its release. It felt like planning to attend a funeral.

[recentanimenews]

Manga the Week of 6/27/18

SEAN: 65 titles. Sixty. Five. Titles. Next. Week.

MICHELLE: Holy crap.

ANNA: Yikes.

ASH: That’s amazing.

SEAN: Ghost Ship has a 5th To-Love-Ru Darkness and a 2nd volume of Yuuna and the Haunted Hot Springs, thus continuing to be the “Shonen Jump Titles Too Hot For Viz” publisher.

J-Novel Club has the 6th volume of If It’s For My Daughter, I’d Even Defeat a Demon Lord.

Kodansha’s got a lot. Print-wise we see some series we haven’t seen for a looooooong time. Air Gear (last seen one year ago) finally comes to an end with its 37th volume. L

DK (last seen 10 months ago) has its 11th volume. And Missions of Love (last seen 13 months ago) has a 15th volume. This doesn’t seem to be “caught up with Japan”, so who knows why it’s been so long.

ASH: Oh, Missions of Love! I guess it has been a while, but I do find the series addictive.

SEAN: Other print volumes include a 4th Cardcaptor Sakura: Clear Card, a 10th Fire Force, and theoretically the print debut of Tokyo Tarareba Girls, though this isn’t on Kodansha’s own site, so don’t be surprised if there’s a last minute date change.

ASH: I’m very excited for the print debut of Tokyo Tarareba Girls, so I hope there won’t be much of a delay if there is one. I’m still reading Clear Card, too, even though I think the original Cardcaptor Sakura is the stronger series at this point.

SEAN: On the digital front, there’s another debut with the wonderfully titled The Quintessential Quintuplets (Go-Toubun no Hanayome). It’s a Weekly Shonen Magazine series about a kid who has to tutor… well, you can probably guess. Expect comedy.

And there is Ace of the Diamond 12, Beauty Bunny 6, Liar x Liar 3, My Brother the Shut-In 6 (this is a final, I think), The Prince’s Black Poison 6, and Tsuredure Children 10.

MICHELLE: Someday I’ll read My Brother the Shut-In, but predictably, it’s Ace of the Diamond that I’m most excited about.

SEAN: Seven Seas rarely buries us in piles of titles in the same week. Next week is an exception. We’ve got the final Captive Hearts of Oz (Vol. 4), a 13tth volume of A Certain Scientific Railgun, the 2nd novel of Clockwork Planet in print (digital from J-Novel Club), a 3rd Devilman Grimoire, Freezing 21-22, Magika Swordsman and Summoner 9, Mononoke Sharing 2, My Monster Secret 11, Not Lives 9, and NTR – Netsuzou Trap 5.

ASH: It’ll be interesting to compare Devilman Grimoire to the classic Devilman manga now that that’s starting to be released in English, too.

SEAN: Not only that, but also several debuts! The big one is Claudine, the classic Riyoko Ikeda 70s shoujo manga. Complete in one short volume, it’s a fantastic read.

MICHELLE: I believe I detect a pick of the week contender!

MELINDA: Ooooooooh, yes, this.

ANNA: YAY!!!!

ASH: It’s one of my most anticipated releases of the year!

SEAN: Getter Robo Devolution is another take on the classic Getter Robo series. It runs in Bessatsu Shonen Champion, and is by the team responsible for the Ultraman manga.

If you like the How NOT to Summon a Demon Lord novel but wished you could see more of the fanservice, good news for you! Here’s the first volume of the manga adaptation.

If you love Monster Musume so much it drives you to create, then even better news – Monster Girl Papercrafts is coming out next week, presumably featuring designs from the ever-popular series.

ASH: Huh. I didn’t know this existed!

SEAN: And if you’re an old-school fan, enjoy a license that frankly no one was expecting. True Tenchi Muyo! is a series of three light novels that expand on the extended universe of the Tenchi OAVs that were so popular with your parents’ generation. (I know, shut up, Sean.) This first book focuses on Ayeka and Sasami’s parents.

On to Vertical. Speaking of novels, they have Hanamonogatari: Flower Tale. This is the 2nd book in the series not to be narrated by Koyomi Araragi. This story is narrated by Suruga Kanbaru, and has her dealing with a devil.

We have a 3rd omnibus of The Flowers of Evil as well.

Viz has a 4th digital release of The Emperor and I.

And the rest is Yen, but don’t even think that we’re done. Digitally we have a 6th Toilet-Bound Hanako-kun, a 17th Corpse Princess, and a 7th IM: Great Priest Imhotep.

Yen On has two debuts this month, both spinoffs. If you like Sword Art Online but wish it didn’t star Kirito and were written by someone else, I have great news. Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online is a new spinoff series by the creator of Kino’s Journey, and focuses on original characters playing the game introduced in the 5th and 6th SAO books.

MELINDA: I wasn’t really interested until you said Kino’s Journey, and now I’m like… MUST HAVE.

ASH: That does add some promise!

SEAN: The other is Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Girls in a Dungeon Familia Chronicle: Episode Lyu. This focuses on the elf with the tragic past we’ve seen in several books of the main series.

Speaking of DanMachi, we also have a 6th volume of the Sword Oratoria spinoff novel that looks at Loki’s group.

And there’s also a 14th Accel World, an 8th Irregular at Magic High School, a 4th volume of The Isolator, and a 7th Re: Zero, which should be a whale of a time. (I’m sorry.)

Yen Press also has several debuts this month. Caterpillar Girl and Bad Texter Boy (Imomushi Shoujo to Komyushou Danshi) is complete in one volume, and stars a boy who has trouble communicating and the girl he rejected, who is now a caterpillar. I must admit, I want to know more.

MICHELLE: That is quite the concept.

ANNA: Hmmmm.

ASH: My curiosity is piqued.

SEAN: Hatsu*Haru is a long-running shoujo title from Shogakukan’s BetsuComi, about a popular boy who finds himself falling for someone for the first time. Anna should be very interested, I expect.

MICHELLE: My ears always perk up when Yen Press releases some shoujo.

MELINDA: I’m interested too, I think.

ANNA: A shoujo manga about popular boy falling for someone for the first time????????!!!!!!!!!!!!

SEAN: Little Witch Academia is best known for its popular anime. Yen has licensed the manga, which runs in Shonen Ace. This is being marketed as part of the children’s line, but should also definitely appeal to manga fans.

Shibuya Goldfish is a pure horror title from Square Enix’s Gangan Joker. If you think the world being eaten by goldfish is a silly premise, this book will soon set you straight. It looks creepy as hell.

MELINDA: Wow.

ASH: That’s right up there with some of Junji Ito’s concepts; I guess we’ll see if it’s executed as well!

SEAN: The Strange Creature at Kuroyuri Apartments (Kuroyuri-sou no Henna Wikimono) is also supernatural, but this falls more into the pure comedy end. A demon needs life experience. A young landlord needs to not be bored. Can they get along?

Stupid Love Comedy (Rabukome no Baka) is an omnibus collecting all three volumes of this shoujo series from Kodansha’s Aria. It’s a reverse harem series, this time starring a manga writer.

MICHELLE: Hm.

ANNA: I sure do enjoy reverse harem.

SEAN: Think we’re done? There’s also ongoing Yen titles! On the ‘spinoff of light novel’ front, we see only two contenders next week: Goblin Slayer’s 3rd manga volume and Kagerou Daze’s 10th.

But there is also Aoharu x Machinegun 11, As Miss Beelzebub Likes 2, Big Order 5, BTOOOM! 21, Bungo Stray Dogs 7, The Elder Sister-Like One 2, Horimiya 11, Mermaid Boys 2, Monster Tamer Girls 2 (final volume there), One Week Friends 3, Prison School 10, Silver Spoon 3, Smokin’ Parade 4, A Terrified Teacher at Ghoul School 3, Though You May Burn to Ash 2, and Today’s Cerberus 9.

MICHELLE: Yay for Horimiya and Silver Spoon!

MELINDA: Silver Spoon! Silver Spoon!

ANNA: Wooo!!!!

ASH: I’m following quite a few of these series, but Silver Spoon is the one that I’m most looking forward to reading this time around!

SEAN: Assuming you haven’t aged to death after reading all that, are there any titles you’re getting? One? Two? Twenty-five?

ASH: I’m afraid to count.

By: Sean Gaffney

[trendingnewsb]

The Sad Reality Of A Christian Pick-Up Artist

This is the story of a man who raged against the vagina and lost. A man whose erection died a thousand deaths, until all it had left was its God. But at its core, it’s the redemption tale of a man who went from sex predator to sex predator for the Lord. If you have any holes on you, you already know who I’m talking about: pick-up artist and author Don Diebel.

It’s important to me that you know this is a real person, and not some wacky character I invented for an SNL audition. This man is an actual author who wrote real books. Here is how he appeared in the actual June 1990 issue of real publication Texas Monthly:

Coming into the 1980s, Don Diebel’s only personality trait was sex. Whether he was out on the town or at home coyly staring the panties off you from white overalls with no shirt or muscle tone, Don made every interaction into penetration. You may look at his picture and think, “This guy? He looks like a Before picture in an Out Traveler control shampoo ad.” Sick burn, but don’t be fooled. He waged a four-decade crusade against unfilled orifices. Planned Parenthood nurses would call him the Baba Yaga.

Don, a leading Texas pussy vagrant, started off with the noble goal of teaching others how to swindle strangers out of sex. It’s a cause that would consume and ultimately destroy him, but at the age 33, Don didn’t know any of this. He only knew two things, and both of them were titties. With his thick, wavy hair going prematurely white — a totally-worth-it side effect of mustache ride friction — he wrote his first book on the thing he thought he did best: How To Pick Up Women In Discos.

Unfortunately, Don wasn’t as great with language as he was with nipple play. He wrote like a man who spent elementary school crushing ass instead of learning sentence structure. He made love like a dream, but when he typed, his commas limply flopped into the wrong spots like a porn actor who lied on his resume. Don Diebel is first and foremost a lover, and not at all any kind of second thing. No publisher wanted his manuscript.

Read Next

Slay This Valentine's With These Flowers And Wine Startups

To circumvent the literary world’s decency and taste, Don started his own publishing company. The newly founded Gemini Pub Co’s first book, How To Pick Up Women In Discos, became an instant critical and financial failure. What happened? Well, Don Diebel can only spell “pusy,” and he writes like eight of his fingers are trapped in a butt. Politics also played a part. It’s easy to forget that women in 1980 had to file taxes as “female livestock or lipstick storage equipment,” and they could still be arrested for removing the tuna from a Jell-O casserole recipe. Yet even during that era, Don’s book on “picking up” women was seen as sexist. So Diebel bounced back in 1982 with the more gently titled THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN. It was pretty much the same book.

Don still had issues with punctuation, grammar, and spelling, but you don’t buy a book like THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN because you have keen communication skills. You buy it because your swollen balls were in the bookstore shrieking, “Aargh! Try anything! Heeelp!” Here’s what’s crazy, though: This book is almost criminally wrong about how to approach women. Applying this book to your game is like adding anime rants and seven mouth sores to your game. If you’ve had sex fewer than 70 times, reading THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN legally restores your virginity. Let’s look at some excerpts (1982 first edition). All typos are Don’s.

The first chapter is mostly for fun. It describes the different types of women you’ll run into in the disco. Watch out for The Man-Hater! She’s a type of wildlife who only goes to singles bars to make mean faces at men asking for casual sex. You can skip most of this chapter, since if you use the techniques described in the book, you’ll find virtually all women fall into this category.

This section helps establish some of the rules for the ladies. If you make eye contact with Don Diebel, then great. Enjoy the moistest night of your life. And if you make the mistake of not accepting his penis, the least you could do is give honest but fair notes on what he and it could have done better.

Stay where you are, though, silent and alert. Don will have some questions and arguments, followed by several sexual offers of reduced intimacy, such as “handjob” or “eat your ass.” Wait for him to fully complete his exit interview before going home. If you do remain in the club, you tease, return to Don often, and a bit hornier if you don’t mind, for up to ten last chances. Don understands this can be inconvenient, but it’s what you signed up for when you brought a vagina with you outside.

So let me get this straight, Don. You spend your afternoons looking for the least interesting alcoholic in Houston’s Holiday Inn bars, and you’re willing to be slapped and humiliated for the desperate, minuscule chance to destroy an already sad person’s marriage. And after years of this, you think, “I should write an advice book to help others avoid this tragic life. Wait. No, the opposite.” This whole book is like getting advice from the world champion of diarrhea speed eating.

Judging by the advice he gives, Don considers a woman not taking a swing at him to be a sexual conquest. His approach is to take the tact of a subway masturbator, combine it with the charm of a subway masturbator, then remove all self-awareness. So yes, of course it seems like topless dancers are “easy lays” to him. When he talks to a woman in literally any other line of work, she calls the police before he says a second thing.

It’s important to note that Diebel thinks he invented trying to fuck strippers. This will be a recurring theme in his books, along with another overlooked source of eligible bachelorettes:

With this level of relentless pursuit, I have to wonder how Don managed to stay single. I’d ask one of his former lovers about it, but this entry makes me think I’d need a team of dogs and a shovel to find one.

Women, this is going to sound like obvious advice after you hear it, but find yourself a man who can list nine different swingers magazines before he even gets to the mediocre ones.

Whether it’s Carl Sagan or Neil deGrasse Tyson, a good science communicator finds ways to take complicated, expansive concepts and translate them into conversational language. Others, such as Don Diebel, might ramble for 57 words about untested neuroscience instead of suggesting “Point at your dick?”

Shout out to 1982’s Barbara, who managed to have the most uncomfortable line in a panty sniffer’s How To Date-Rape book. This was your chance to help people, and you really blew it, Barbara. I don’t know why I’m lecturing you, though. You’ve probably been dead 30 years, and your entire eulogy was just your bartender telling a coroner, “Yeah, I think that’s Britney.”

If a lady isn’t having a good time at a party where a man is leaning against a wall pointing at his dick, it’s probably because she’s sitting too far away to see. Move in close, wiggling your fingers around your genitals as necessary. If her eyesight is especially bad, here is how you say “I’M POINTING AT MY DICK” in Braille:

Haha wait, what? Fucking what, Don Diebel? This is a complete reversal of what you were saying last page. I’d hate to find out I became registered as a sex offender in 19 states by following the advice of a guy who was so full of shit he couldn’t even keep his own wisdom straight. Oh, great. Now you’ve got me writing GOP slogans.

Well, yeah. Duh. I have a boner, Don, not a passion for sorcery.

Don Diebel, if masturbation fantasies were forced by universal law to come true, we would all be hunky detectives investigating erotic mysteries with Shannon Tweed. Every few hours, we would suddenly find ourselves buried in confusing piles of our stepmother’s pantyhose. You can’t conjure things by fantasizing about them really hard. And if you could, the least imaginative seventh-grader would occupy the free time of every hot girl in the world. Don Diebel, listen. You can literally look down at your own lonely, unwelcome dick to know none of this is true, Don.

THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN continues like that for a while, going into great detail on how to hypnotize yourself to be more seductive and offering beginner hygiene tips to avoid being a dealbreaker at orgies. The book was, by any measure, a humiliating disaster. His eager, virgin dong still had more to teach, but cracks were starting to form in Don Diebel’s fragile soul.

It had been eight years since the release of THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN, and the book only became popular in one community: district attorneys presenting evidence in rape trials. But Don had an idea that could turn his literary career around — an idea most people would call embarrassing. It was a pick-up artist book written by a man, but for, get this, ladies.

It’s worth noting that the two-time failed author whose advice on hitchhikers was “try to fuck them” was now describing himself on book jackets with “Don Diebel — World famous writer, author, lecturer, dating consultant, TV and radio personality, astrologer, has helped thousands of lonely hearts win at the game of love with his phenomenal best-sellers.”

FINDING MR. RIGHT: A Woman’s Guide To Meeting Men was an ambitious project to take female victims and sexually aggressive disco creeps and swap their brains. If it worked, it would be the greatest breakthrough in free vagina since Donald Trump had a daughter. And if it didn’t, Don Diebel would just look like a lonely idiot whose greatest ambition was to get away with sexual assault — the exact thesis of his last book. Let’s see how things worked out. Once again, all typos and grammatical errors have been respectfully left in.

The first chapter is mostly for fun. It describes the different types of men you’ll run into in the nightclub. Watch out for The Woman-Hater! He only came here to get cranky when women offer him- hold on, this sounds way too familiar. Did he … no. No, he couldn’t have. There’s no way.

Oh, holy shit. This is … oh, holy shit. Don’s book on helping ladies find romance is just THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN, word for word, with the genders switched. This maniac actually knows so little about women that he thinks he can search-and-replace pronouns in a pussy-grabbing handbook and it will work as woman’s guide to finding love. That’s … that’s the most sexist thing but also somehow the least sexist thing I’ve ever heard.

When I realized he rewrote the same book (again), only with different pronouns, I thought, “OK, but he’s going to take out the section on banging hitchhikers, right?” He fucking didn’t! All he did was add three sentences to assure the eager female reader that while it is dangerous, she still has at least a 51 percent chance of surviving sex in her car with a destitute drifter. But before you jump on that “golden opportunity,” girls, keep in mind that these statistics are only the casual speculation of a lonely man who dreams of one day porking a hitchhiker. They are not official numbers from a census of highway stabbing incidents.

If you’re luring junkie male strippers home with cocaine, you’re operating at the very highest level of finding Mr. Right and Don Diebel can teach you no more. You started as a sad woman with a book and an unused lap. Now you have a man who loves your cocaine and cares about your cocaine, but who needs to leave soon to rub his balls on a birthday party. And he will remain faithful to you until the very moment a different person has cocaine. On behalf of all women and everyone who believes in true love, thank you, Don Diebel.

Maybe I didn’t give Don enough credit for his ability to adjust to feminine thinking. He made a few changes other than search-replacing the pronouns in his manual for beginner sex predators. For instance, in the male version of the book, the astrology section was about tricking gullible women into your home to pretend to do astrology. In the female version, there’s a bit of astrology.

One chapter of the female version of his book was four pages about where you can meet horny rich men. This replaced a chapter for the men devoted to infiltrating swinger communities. He may not be a smart man, but Don has been kicked out of enough orgies to know that women prefer cash prizes to group sex.

When FINDING MR. RIGHT: A Woman’s Guide To Meeting Men — the female reboot of the previous reboot of an unpublishable book — didn’t work out, Don knew he had to innovate. His keen mind, honed by years of imagining vulvas, thought: “What if there was a collection of pages that contained the names, locations, and phone numbers of businesses!?” He then published THE HOUSTON ENTERTAINMENT AND Dating GUIDE: WHERE TO GO AND WHAT TO DO FROM A TO Z

This joyless list of business hours and addresses contained 100 pages, eight grainy photos, and several short descriptions of what things like art galleries and senior citizen centers are as basic concepts. If you were in the Houston area in the early ’90s and wished the Yellow Pages were harder to navigate and written by a pervert, it made the perfect gift. Unfortunately, this was not a large enough group of people to make the book a hit.

So after publishing one pick-up artist book three different ways and one Houston Yellow Pages spec script, Don spent eight years coming up with his realest idea yet. It was a book about picking up chicks, but focusing on the only part he’d ever experienced: the opening line.

In 1999, at the age of 52, Don Diebel published 1001 Best Pick-Up Lines: Sure-fire Opening Lines For Meeting, Attracting, and Seducing Women. On the book jacket, he described himself as “America’s #1 Singles Expert and one of the nation’s leading experts on dating and relationships.” He was back and doing what he did best: creating awkward situations between a handful of sad men and their book store clerks, then nothing fucking close to anything else.

Fun fact: The book was also published on CD-ROM, but instead of featuring a hot chick getting seduced in a bar, Don used clip art of what seems to be a hospitality worker explaining to a passenger that his mother just fell off the back of the cruise ship. A strange choice, and also one irrelevant to anything I’ll be discussing! Let’s take a look inside:

Women love honesty, but they also love mystery, which makes this a perfect line, because she will find this honesty very mysterious. And then you have her right where you want her, engaging in the sensual game of cat and mouse that is seduction. She’s thinking, “Did this elderly man really fuck a breach into his blow-up doll, or does he have a poor sense of humor and no judgement?” and you’re thinking, “LICK HER TOES, COWARD. NO, MOTHER, I MUSTN’T! LICK HER TOES, COWARD.”

At first this seems like innocent wordplay, but it’s so much more. This line subliminally recreates that erotic feeling that only exists between the moment you open a Valentine’s Day card from a child and the moment you place it in the trash. She will be overwhelmed with a sense of predictable, expected disappointment.

If you built a robot to package toothpaste and it left the factory to go house to house tearing the teeth from every mouth it found, it would be better at its job than this line is at picking up women.

This one isn’t bad, Don, but the default human greeting seems a bit obvious for a book promising “Sure-fire opening lines for meeting, attracting, and seducing women” from “America’s #1 Singles Expert.” This is kind of like including “milk” in a cookbook, or “none” in The Comprehensive Guide To Vaginas Don Diebel Has Actually Seen.

“Because if you are, your pizza, pastas, and zeal for life really plumb my koopas. And lasagna? I’m sorry, no woman has ever let me talk this long. I- aaaaaaahhhhh I’m! Is this? I-I’m CUMMMING!!!!”

This is such an amazing combination of stupid, confusing, and pathetic that I think Don has given up trying to seduce ladies and now he’s simply searching for the secret cheat code to turn off a woman’s nervous system. There is one good thing about this pick-up line, though: If the club is too noisy for her to hear you, you can communicate the exact same thing by sadly holding out a condom while your own pants fill with pee. Which, if I’m not mistaken, is the Diebel family crest.

This opening line can really move things along, but it only works on Alzheimer’s patients who are willing to have sex with the men they think are their children.

No, she’s still not Italian, Don. Are you fucking stupid? Why did you write a book promising 1,001 conversation starters if the only nine honest conversations you can have are about swingers magazines? Don, when your pick-up lines are so dull you can’t remember them from earlier on the same fucking page of your own book, how are they going to work on the real women laughing at the little mustache you grew to hide your chimpanzee lips? How many times will you ask them if they’re Italian while they’re telling the bouncer you were smelling their bar stools? A million dollars says the closest you’ve ever come to actual sex is when you found a pizza pocket in your swimming trunks. You miserable fuck, Don Diebel.

While she’s lubricating from your Laffy Taffy cleverness, follow this line up with “That counts! You all saw! FIRST BASE FOR DIEBEL! Ow! Stop! OK, I’m leaving! I, HEY! I’m entitled to a phone call! I need to tell my mother I met a girl!”

Let’s imagine this in a best-case scenario. Let’s say this woman alone at the bar has no defenses against aggressive perverts. Let’s say she believes there was a fart and that it wasn’t you, Don Diebel, the man giving local fart updates to strangers. Say she abandons her drink and runs outside with the obvious pervert screaming about farts. Does this seem reasonable, Don? Because we’re not done.

Don, you seem to think a woman’s mood can be manipulated with suggestion and imperceptible body language. If that’s true, and we’re just playing games now because it isn’t, wouldn’t it work in the opposite direction? Don’t you think running up to her with a butt smell emergency might undo the 40 seconds you spent trying to get her to look at your dick? By your own science, you’ve implanted yourself in her subconscious as the bar-clearing fart guy, Don. And no one steps out on their husband with the bar-clearing fart guy.

Of course this guy has a feet thing. Jesus Christ, Don, at this point you might as well ask for her address and if it’s OK for you to keep any Maxi Pads she throws out.

This isn’t how meeting people works or how licking people works. The nicest thing anyone has ever said about Don Diebel is this quote I wrote for the back of his next book: “Don Diebel’s direct, slobbery approach to picking up women saves everyone time! Most sexual predators hide their dark intentions behind charm until it’s far too late!”

You probably know this is the desperate act of a sex criminal and wouldn’t work. If you did this one million times, you would see zero boobs and be the least popular man in prison. This is like writing a book on finance and suggesting, “Sell a stolen bike for $50 million! (Someone out there might actually do it. Billionaires are noted eccentrics.)” And don’t fucking forget, Don Diebel wrote this when he was a 52-year-old man. That’s almost 40 years past puberty, and he still cannot even imagine what it would look like if a woman said a second thing to him.

There’s no way anyone is this bad with women. If you told me this book was a marketing scheme created by the pepper spray industry, I would pretend I knew it all along.

Is that true, women? Call the police for “no,” and dry heave for a more comical “no.”

I’ve made fun of a lot of the stuff in this book, but this one is just good writing. It’s effective, too. Approaching a woman as if you have an emergency and then revealing you’re only a horny idiot works in any situation. For instance, if you’re at the DMV, say, “You crazy bitch, I know you took my cat!” Then I wait six, maybe seven beats, and finish, “…alog for big penis rubbers. Hi, are you Italian? Can Italians catch herpes on their feet?”

Let the record show: America’s #1 Singles Expert suggests, in his chapter on daddy-themed pick-up lines, that you should tell a woman her dad makes you horny with a trumpet pun.

If hundreds of miracles simultaneously take place and you find yourself in a relationship with the woman you say this to, this opening line will torment her every moment. At night, she will lay awake remembering how you introduced yourself. She’ll think about it when you’re inside her. She’ll go onto pervert forums and trumpet subreddits, desperately looking for answers. “My lover said my father must play the trumpet because he sure does make him horny. Please, what does it mean?” You couldn’t say anything more hauntingly unappealing if you walked up to a stranger and asked to slide your cold hands into her tits.

Oh, come on. Fuck your frigid soul, Don Diebel. You would lick a hole into an old shoe if you thought a female garbage collector touched it.

This book contains an entire chapter of Beavis And Butthead pick-up lines. Not similar in theme to Beavis And Butthead, but direct quotes and references to the cartoon. I don’t have a joke about that; I just want you to know it exists.

Don also included a chapter specifically about picking up topless dancers with lines like “What’s your real name?” and, I swear to God this is a line in its entirety, “Show me your bush!” He suggests saying, “Don’t you get tired of all these horny men with their brain between their legs?” on the same page as, “Don’t you get tired of being around all these drunks and horny men acting like a bunch of idiots?” Most of the other lines are different ways you can shame her and her filthy job.

Don Diebel is absolutely the lonely man in the strip bar earnestly seeking a human relationship. If you asked any stripper to list the cliches this type of man says, she could write, word-for-word, Don Diebel’s chapter on picking up topless dancers. As he went into the year 2000, Don was a 53-year-old man offering sex to sex workers with all the allure of a cockroach feeding on Charlie Sheen’s blood. And things didn’t get much better in the next decade.

The 2000s were a slow time for Diebel’s publishing. His first five books were the dark fantasies of a monster too sheepish to go through with a real kidnapping. He was a second penis on the only panda in a zoo — useless in ways too obvious and depressing to get into.

Dwell magazine did an interview with him, not as a pick-up artist, but as a lamp expert. Apparently, they saw an article on his website about romantic lighting, and thought he would be the perfect expert to review three modern lamps. Each of his reviews were the incoherent ramblings of someone you would only describe as a non-lamp-expert, but that’s not important. What’s important is it revealed Don Diebel had a website, and it’s exactly what you’d expect.

It’s called Getgirls.com, and it sells sex cologne, romance cassettes, and his stupid goddamn books. And these are not products for presentable men looking to enhance their desirability — Getgirls.com is totally banking on you having several crippling emotional disorders and facial defects. His approach to women is 100 percent “You’re barely slime, so why not try groveling and titty-grabbing.” Here’s a screenshot:

Getgirls.com’s products are designed to turn unwilling women into sex partners, which is strange, because it’s the one thing the site’s creator has plainly never done. It sells pheromone perfume for inventive rapists and hypnosis tapes for horny magicians. But selling snake oil for inflatable-doll-scented penises wasn’t as successful as you might imagine, so Don tried one last time to write a book on scoring babes. Let’s talk about 2009’s 200 Guaranteed Ways To Succeed With Women: Everything You Need To Know On How To Meet, Date, And Attract Women.

This book is pathetic, yes, but not like the others. This one mostly focuses on how to deal with the overwhelming depression that comes with being Don Diebel. It’s less a guide to crushing ass and more of a training manual for a crisis hotline volunteer. The entries are self-help mantras like “Cure for the blues (#10)” and “How to be happy (#14),” which take up less than a whole page put together. And #30 is just “How to eat Italian food,” with a couple of tips on table manners. But let me tell you about #29. Oh, holy shitting fuck, #29.

Imagine the erotic memoirs of a 62-year-old virgin who never learned to write and still isn’t sure which of the blobs is the mons pubis. That’s what I’m about to show you. The 29th Guaranteed Way to Succeed with Women is called “My date from hell,” and it’s an un-proofread account of Don Diebel’s greatest sexual triumph:

One of the reasons Diebel’s pick-up lines are so bad is that half-naked women jump on him before he can practice them. And if you’re thinking none of this happened, which of these two scenarios is more likely?

A: A sad man with a history of bad ethics falsifies an unverifiable and unlikely story in which he’s highly motivated to lie.

B: The hottest girl, like, ever gets into a vehicle alone with a non-handsome elderly man as he’s trying to drive over sunbathers.

C: Oh, you weren’t expecting a C, ladies? It was to catch you off-guard so I could subliminally end this sentence with three sexually charged words penis, butt, penis. Hi, I’m Seanbaby, and I’ve read all of Don Diebel’s books. Show me your bush.

Assuming this date really happened (and aren’t we being cute), Don offered to drive Hot Bikini Girl to his place. She agreed, but instead of a wild night of romance, they discovered Don left his dog home alone with no water while he was cruising for hard bodies. It was comatose from dehydration. This means in an imaginary story wherein Diebel controls every detail, he nearly murders his own dog and can’t close the deal with the loose stranger who came to his house for sex. But don’t give up yet. We’re not even close to done.

OK, so Don Diebel killed his dog, but not before it got way more action from his date than he did.

Despite the loss of his best friend, Don was still in the mood for love. Obviously, he could drive back to the beach to find a replacement hot girl, maybe even one who hadn’t watched a dog die on her own mouth that afternoon. But Diebel was going to finish what he started — he took the same girl to dinner, on a helicopter tour of the city, to a nightclub, and then to the pier, his beloved dead companion still lingering on her breath.

None of the date was going well. She flirted with other men, Don picked a fight with her, and she jumped into a lake and nearly died. “I was pissed,” remembers Don. But you don’t get to be America’s #1 Singles Expert by giving up easily. Don took the wet girl he hated back to his house, where he planned to have meaningless sex mere feet from a bag of dog food to go forever uneaten. Instead, this happens:

That was quite an adventure, right? It’s obviously — OBVIOUSLY — not true, but all good lies have elements of truth in them. So, Houston police, there’s a really good chance Don is describing the time he killed his dog, drugged a woman, and threw her body in a lake. The only part of the story I 100 percent believe is that Don couldn’t get laid even with the world’s sluttiest girl over the course of eight location changes.

Don reprinted this story on a self-help(!) website, and I really encourage speculative fiction fans to go read it in its entirety: My Date From Hell. But do that later, because we’re about to enter the 2010s, the decade when Don Diebel truly lost his entire mind.

With the forgettable 200 Guaranteed Whatevers To Disappoint Your Erection behind him, Don had to reach deep into his vulva-haunted brain for an original idea. He didn’t find one. He published 100 Best Places To Take A Date, with ideas like “miniature golf” and “pizza.” It was a dickless shadow of an idea already written by thousands of history’s dumbest, least imaginative writers and made long obsolete by phone books. Diebel’s inspirations were as drained as the balls of a man who seductively screams “Show me your bush!” at topless dancers.

Fun Fact: This is the actual copy of 100 Best Places to Take a Date sent to me by Don Diebel. It came with a homemade label, no case, and an advertisement for a CD on dominating pussy no longer in stock. Wait, out of stock? You’re an old man burning CD-ROMs in his apartment. How does that supply chain get disrupted? Was there some kind of button shortage on your mouse? Did your assisted living nurse throw out the floppy disk that had dom_pu~1.wpd on it? This last one isn’t a joke but a real guess: did you get banned from Radio Shack for attempted rape? I guess my point is, Don Diebel isn’t good at anything.

Destroyed by the soul-crushing realization that he was out of ideas for seducing women, he gave up and wrote what might be the loneliest book title since Single Player Rules for Fallout: The Board Game. Here it is:

Don Diebel was alone in a universe where ass no longer held meaning. The Easy Way To IMPROVE YOUR GOLF WITH S/A GOLF HYPNOTISM took the same self-hypnosis nonsense Don was using 35 years earlier to psych himself up for a poontang hunt and adapted it for golf. For a professional chick hound, it was like finally turning a dead husband’s den into a sewing room. It was like tattooing DO NOT RESUSCITATE on your dick and smothering it with a pillow. It was Don Diebel concluding that he would never learn if the Masters of the Universe Horde Slime Pit Playset actually did feel like a real-life blowjob. Diebel was fucking done.

…

No. Not yet. With a dusty cough, Don Diebel’s groin rose from the grave. There had to be one last thing he could try, one last light to cling to. And then Don realized the secret to pussy was right in front of him all along: the majesty of Jesus Christ. Or as he put it in the intro to his next book:

This would sound a bit absurd coming from anyone else, but if Don Diebel is hearing another voice in his bed, it can only be coming from Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, this idea God gave him for a book sucked, and Don’s newfound lord and savior was an even worse editor. They say He’s infallible, but He couldn’t get through the second sentence of the introduction before missing a this typo. Other philosophers have said this before me, but checkmate, all religion.

This book is desperate groveling on a cosmic, spiritual level. It is a whisper in the darkness pleading for someone, anyone to send Don Diebel a butt to touch. It’s a man complaining to the creator of all things for giving women a choice in their sex partners. Let me show you what I’m talking about:

Nothing is a more perfect Bible quote for Don Diebel’s dating life than one about staying strong in the face of rejection and getting help from your hand.

About a quarter of the book is Bible verses loosely related to rejection and loneliness, but the majority of it is things like this, dating advice rewritten in the form of prayer. Don will call up Jesus and say things like, “Please help me make sure my body language is sexually suggestive and that I have an air of self-assured confidence because ladies love that. In your name I pray, Amen.” So in a way, it’s a very sad Don Diebel typing out his prayers. In another way, it’s a very confident pick-up veteran telling Jesus Himself how to score pussy.

You sad bitch. Your body language advice used to be “point at your dick.” Now it’s “pretend you’re holding a guy’s hand?” Don, you are 70 years old, and you’re still trolling nightclubs for ass? You can’t call any of your countless former lovers to see if their self-esteem is still low enough to watch your partial erection flutter? I’m starting to think it was shortsighted to introduce yourself to every woman by offering to lick the pool water off her feet.

As sad as this prayer is, it gets sadder. It’s reprinted one page later in the exact same section, word for word. At this point, Don has given up on Jesus sending him single women and would be fine with Jesus sending him the tools to cope with depression. Don, you’re a septuagenarian sex book author who never learned where commas or penises go. How about you stop nagging Jesus for the impossible and thank Him for inspiring you to fill that puppet’s mouth with anal lubricant?

For decades, this man has destroyed every relationship he’s had by immediately checking if she’s the legendary woman who gives out free sex to everyone brave enough to ask. And here is what it led to: Don Diebel, after authoring ten books on scoring chicks, is begging Jesus for a girl in a prayer that sounds like it was written by a third-year third-grader. Failure isn’t a big enough word, and Hitlerfailure hasn’t been invented yet. Don’t feel sorry for Don, though. This is, without exception, the future every woman he’s met starting in 1980 has warned him about. The tragic story of Don Diebel is only surprising because we’re not used to such obvious, twistless endings.

I’ve learned a lot by reading Don Diebel’s books. I’ve learned that you can’t shove your nuts into the night and call it “meeting women.” Now and always, you have to treat women with respect, and loop your thumbs in your belt so your fingers point at your own dick, creating a subliminal message those confused drunk sluts can’t resist. And if that doesn’t work, Plan B is Jesus.

With this victory, Seanbaby is the new America’s #1 Singles Expert. You can follow him on Twitter and play his hit mobile game Calculords.

Ladies, if you encounter a Don Diebel out there, here’s a link to some pepper spray.

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-sad-reality-christian-pick-up-artist/

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2HY9Xcq via Viral News HQ

[scalpho]

god i did enjoy neverafter but it's so funny whenever people mention it solely for the purpose of saying things like "i can't believe neverafter was meant to be the horror season when this exists" "oh this is WAY scarier than neverafter" "neverafter has nothing on this". bringing it out just to slap it around the face