#WIP: Blind Overture

[loserchildhotpants]

You mentioned Sam using his “widow” voice on Dean once Sam saw the confession footage in WUtbM. And he never saw it during Dean’s year long suicide in KtL, so until that point in WUtBM and all of KtL he thinks Dean is just…vry sad about his good buddy? Like he doesn’t have an inkling that there’s SOMETHING deeper that wounded Dean? You mention it’s a choice of characterization to make Sam more or less aware of Dean&Cas’s thing, which is vry valid thanks to the canon writing consistency lol, what’s stopping him from seeing? His own grief at Cas’s death? His anger at Dean “giving up”? The blinders only a child can have towards the romantic life of their parent figure? Or that he wrongly assumes Dean’s Cas trauma is a more…violence and Winchester typical flavor?

This is an interesting question, and im fascinated you marked the difference and like, wanted to know why ! No one ever asks me why im doin stuff and i have such cool reasons tucked away 😔

So, in WUtbM, Sam was more a plot device that narratively needed goood insight to function as a moving element of the story. He *couldnt* be (totally) blind bc i needed him to propel something else forward. That story isn’t so much a story of acts as it is a study of grief in a character i love. It’s a long, long study, but it’s almost a stretch to say it’s got plot. The plot is sort of ‘Dean spirals into hitherto unknown depths of despair’ 😅

KtL though is structurally very different; Sam is not a cog in my machine for this, he is a highly independent character that i want to be independent. The title ‘Kill the Lights’ is meant to forewarn that everyone is walking around in the proverbial dark. As soon as Cas is gone, it’s lights out for our main cast.

Sam in KtL is watching Dean but not learning anything from it, he’s talking with Dean but not understanding what’s said to him (or NOT said to him), he and Dean are ships passing in the night, even as he pursues Dean so wholeheartedly. The same can be said for all his relationships in KtL:

He is spending time talking to and mourning with Eileen, but he’s not communicating effectively, and that communication shortage is coming *from him*

He is remembering Cas, but doesn’t cry, doesn’t really engage with the grief, and certainly doesn’t share it

He has faith in Rowena, but has no trust in her (demonstrated in the opening chapters of Blind Overture)

He says he has no family left, meanwhile his phone is blowing up with people who love and miss him— he can’t see them. He can’t perceive them. And maybe he’s blind from grief, but maybe it’s also part ego. Maybe it’s part of his inherent flaws. Maybe it’s a combination of all the above.

Sam isn’t seeing what seems obvious about Cas and Dean, because he’s numb to *everything* and *everyone* — no one is immune to his contradictory traits here, and that’s part of the Problem of the story. Sam isn’t the only character guilty of these flaws, of being closed off (even unintentionally), of being blind/numb to all that’s around him.

As the story progresses, part of the journey is learning to feel again, not just familiar pains we keep close when nothing else feels right, but authentic, vulnerable sadness, the desire to communicate and not just talk, the need to be understood and not just seen, to become whole again after being so disarticulated across time and space — Sam isn’t seeing it bc he *can’t* see it bc that’s a major part of the existing conflict.

WUtbM is what happens if Cas comes back, but Everything for Anything is sort of confronting what Sam would do if he *had* lost Dean in WUtbM, and now he’s got a second chance to truly connect with and understand Dean, possibly comfort him, but he’s gotta learn to do that for himself just as much.

:3 this was fun! Thank u for the ask!

[angst-fairygodmother]

POV for the wip of your choosing :3

A/N: First of all I would like to say, “MEAN” which is to say, whether intentionally or not, you picked the hardest one because I write in such a mixed/3rd person POV anyway for most of my WIP :P but I appreciate the challenge anyway. I like having to really work for a satisfying final product. I thought about a lot of things before I settled on rewriting the Overture. There’s a metric fuckton of emotion in the mostly-silent scene in the movie, and I wanted to go back and explore more of that than I did the first time around. Which, you know is how I ended up with a rewrite 4x as long as the original... Word Count: 820

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You stared down at the little handbill. The music hall was to be torn down, and all of its contents to be sold off at auction to pay off the debts of its negligent owners. It had stood deserted for many years, haunted by ghosts of a somewhat more metaphorical nature than its previous ones, almost as many ghosts as you were haunted by.

You glanced over at the other side of your bed, empty and sheets unruffled. It had been years since you had held your wife in your arms or even knew where she was, if she was alive. But the sight still stung like a fresh wound every morning.

For all there was lingering trauma, the long years spent performing at the music hall had been some of the best in your life. And though it didn’t seem fair for the auction to be happening today, on such a miserable anniversary, interrupting your plans, you thought you might go. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to have a memento or two. Maybe there would be something you could bring him.

~

You wore one of Yennefer’s old dresses, a simple, surprisingly modest thing made of black silk. It lent you an air of gravitas that your own frocks didn’t; even in your matronly years you had pushed the boundary of what was acceptable fashion for a woman of the city.

You glanced around the crowd, all, like you, in their later years, certainly old enough to recall the grave events that had last took place in the auditorium where you now stood. The seats had been torn out, and you guessed that there was enough dust on the floor lights that they wouldn’t light if someone tried, but the room still had the same feeling, like it was a portal to another world that could be unlocked with the right strains of music. None of the people you saw were faces you knew, and you weren’t surprised. So many had left the city and tried to put it all behind them.

You listened half-heartedly to the auctioneer as he announced each lot, telling stories about the props and set pieces, only about a quarter of which were wholly accurate. You remembered the shows and the rehearsals, maybe you’d worn that jacket. But when you had felt drawn in by the advertisement, it was by the deep longing for something special, and none of this was it.

“Lot 665,” the auctioneer called. “A lute, found in near perfect condition beneath the rubble in the music hall’s basement. A mystery as to how it came to be there and how it has remained undamaged for so long. Shall we start the bidding at…20 crowns?”

Your heart leapt. You would know that lute anywhere, even if you had been struck blind and deaf. It still seemed to radiate an energy that it had shared with its long-time owner, your beloved best friend.

You raised your hand delicately.

“20 crowns to the madame in the black lace. Do I hear 25?”

The room was silent, and as the auctioneer began to count down, you held your breath with an odd tension. Something moved in the back of the room, jostling the crowd and causing a number of disgruntled mutters.

And then he was standing there, looking exactly the same as he had the day they left town. Geralt of Rivia. He raised a hand, interrupting the auctioneer’s statement.

“Ah, a last minute bid of 25 to the witcher!” He paused. “Do I hear 30?”

You considered placing a higher bid, and then your eyes locked with his as the golden gaze patrolled the room despite his infinite stillness. At first he seemed to look straight through you, just another stranger to him.

“Carp.” You mouthed with a soft smile.

His eyes widened, running the calculation of years through his mind.

The auctioneer declared the lute sold and it was passed to Geralt. For all that you had wanted it, you knew that he needed it more.

As he turned to go, you gave him a nod and another smile, a friendly acknowledgement of all that had passed and all you shared, wishing him well in a soft, silent way.

He nodded in return before making his way back out the door. You suspected he would take the lute to Jaskier’s grave, and that if you wanted to, you could find him there well into tonight. But you chose not to. Let him have today, Jaskier would understand the break in tradition.

“Lot 666,” the auctioneer called. “A chandelier, alleged to be the very one which sparked the fire that last nearly destroyed this building.” He gestured to the smears of soot and ash still lingering on the floorboards. “Some of you may recall the dreadful affair of the Phantom of the Opera, who many claim was the cause of the accident…”

[daily-yoificrec]

June 2017 Rec Roundup

Top ten list for fics that were updated/posted in the month of June that I recommended! I say top ten, but they’re listed in no particular order. 

Bc I’m so busy, I chose to post w/o additional comments. but all of these fics are ones I highly recommend as must-reads, and even ones that are wips you should def give a try. 

1. if this be error by alykapedia || Rated T, 7.8k (WIP)

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me prov’d, I never writ, nor no man ever lov’d

Yuuri Katsuki wants nothing more than to retire back to the country and busy his days with managing his family’s declining finances. At twenty-three, he is facing his fifth season in society unmated and with no prospects in sight.

At least until Lord Viktor Nikiforov makes him an offer he would be foolish to refuse.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that an unmated omega in possession of a not-inconsiderable dowry, is in want of an alpha.”

JFALKJDA;FJS;LA THE PRIDE AND PREJUDICE ECHOES. This isn’t a p&p au though, it’s a regency au, but still that first line had me right away. This has an absolutely delightful beginning, with background offered and hints of worldbuilding throughout. The interactions are lovely, the setup is lovely and just

just

♡✧( ��•⌄• ) super duper fucking recommended wip to follow

just read it oh my god (⌯⌅⌄⌅)

2. boy next door by wingchestr || Rated E, 4.8k

“Hi, welcome to the Green Bean,” Yuuri says, in the way that’s become something of a joke between them. “What can I get for you today?”

In which Viktor buys way too much coffee from the cute barista at the coffeeshop on the corner, and Yuuri has a terrible crush that Viktor never, ever needs to know about, and somehow it all works out in the end.

Really cute a/b/o and coffeeshop au! The author’s other fics are amazing, so I have really high expectations for this one. Yuuri and Victor have great chemistry.

3. What it feels like to be Loved series by tothebatcave53 || Rated M, 19.4k

Being blinded by love isn’t a bad thing, unless it blinds Victor to all of Yuuri’s less than subtle hints about being a dragon.

Comment: I love!!!! This series!!!!!!!! Really funny and really fun to read, with touches of worldbuilding and wonderful interactions between Yuuri and Victor. I reread the entire thing when I saw the fourth part go up. Magic realism is great, dragons are fuckin A, and I’m very weak for the idea of Yuuri hoarding Victor. The affection is just wonderful.

Heck. Read it please.

4. can’t count the years by counterheist || Rated T, 4.8k

A local magazine features Mila’s as the best breakfast spot in town one year after it opens. The opposite page is devoted to a pie shop Mila has heard of, but never been to. Easy as Pie gets a paragraph of text and three photographs. One shot is a slice of blueberry pie, another is of hands kneading dough. The last one is of a woman with long, dark hair and olive-toned skin holding an armful of large blue ribbons. Sara Crispino, the caption reads, owner and baker at Easy as Pie holds all six of her National Pie Competition blue ribbons.

Mila drives over the same day she sees the article, as soon as the breakfast rush ends.

Pls read this if you love saramila bc it’s so good and there aren’t nearly enough saramila fics in this fandom. There’s also side vicyuu! But seriously, read this for diner owner Mila and pie master Sara. I really love the dynamics built between everyone, especially Mila and Victor’s friendship.

5. learn to love the skies I’m under by LinneaKou || Rated M, 11.3k (WIP)

The day after the Sochi GPF banquet, Katsuki Yuuri disappears without a trace.

The day after the Sochi GPF banquet, Viktor Nikiforov finds a stray poodle and takes it home with him.

These two events are, oddly enough, connected.

Comment: Sadder than one would expect. The premise isn’t unfamiliar, as it’s inspired by another fic (which the author lists, and I’ve read) but the author still executes it really well. Expect feelings when you read this, no matter how soft some things may seem.

6. kiss and cry in the corners of my castle by unexpectedtrash || Rated G, 6k (WIP)

Yuuri only wanted to go back home to Hasetsu, where the ocean was warm and life was mundane and comfortable. Take it back, he wanted to beg. I never asked for this gift. Magic was a double-edged sword, and with Voldemort advancing, Yuuri wants to turn tail and run.

Only, Yuri might have a thing or two to say about that.

Comment: There are A Lot of Hogwarts AUs, but this one is setduring the events of the Harry Potter books themselves, and I love how it’s kicked off. Slytherin Yuuri vs. Umbridge, Angry Badger Yuri Plisetsky, and this makes me very excited about how they’re going to integrate the characters with the story.

7.Night is Young and the Music’s High by opalish || Rated T, 3k

“Best press conference ever,” the Japanese Nationals silver medalist says when asked. “Ten out of ten, would medal again.”

“I would die for Katsuki-kun,” Minami declares, with terrifying sincerity.

“He doesn’t need a shovel talk, he needs another gold medal. And that’s something I never thought anyone would say about Victor Freaking Nikiforov.“

“Freakingevich,” Yuuri corrects him officiously, adjusting his glasses. He’s been studying.

And:

“Well, it won’t affect me,” Victor says dramatically. “Not when I’m just Breakdancing Sensation Yuuri Nikiforov-Katsuki’s unnamed but spectacularly beautiful husband.”

“You’d better be Figure Skating Legend Yuuri Nikiforov-Katsuki’s unnamed but spectacularly beautiful husband,” Yuuri mutters, vowing to never dance in public ever again.

Beautiful hilarious characterization, dialogue that has me cackling, just in general this fic has me throwing it as a rec to various group chats as well.

Ten out of ten, would read again. 

*zooms off to do just that*  ≡ = -└( 。 >ω<)┐

8. a covenant with a bright blazing star series by seventhstar

The A/B/O Regency marriage of convenience AU no one actually wanted.

In which the reclusive and highly respectable Lord Yuuri Katsuki is offered fifty thousand pounds if he remains married to poor, scandalous trademan’s son Viktor Nikiforov for a year. Desperate for funds, he accepts.

It’s only one year, after all. What’s the worst that could happen?

comment: I am, admittedly, slightly confused as we still don’t have the background yet but so far this series is great omg. The vicyuu relationship promises to be great, the Pride and Prejudice influences make me bounce excitedly, and this is certainly a series to stalk if you don’t mind A/B/O fics.

Pride and Prejudice influences, people. tryyyyyyyy iiiiiiiit

9.  Driving Mr. Katsuki by CullinanKatsudon || Rated M, 13k (WIP)

Yuuri Katsuki gets into Victor Nikiforov’s car, mistaking it for his Uber ride…and Victor doesn’t correct him.

Comment: Oh my god this au and this fic are ridiculous but holy hell, the author has me fuckin invested as yell. I’ve laughed and pitied Yuuri and facepalmed at Victor and this fic is just a ride. Super duper fucking recommend, it’s hilarious and brilliant and I just. I laughed so hard.

10. cancel your reservations by renaissance ||  Rated T, 5.4k

Yuuri is a college student conducting private fencing lessons for a handsome, rich, and mysterious student. Viktor is not learning to fence because he does medieval reenactments.

ak;ljdskafl;jsa; I saw this prompt floating around only a few days ago, and the author’s executed it so damn well. Yuuri and Victor hit it off amazingly, Yuuri is amazingly oblivious to something other than Victor’s romantic overtures for once, and this is 10/10 recommend would read again.

[loserchildhotpants]

Tumblr won't let me post my answer, so I'm making it it's own post

So, good news for you, anon, is that that whole series is gonna be a shit ton of examining destiel through the eyes of other characters. But also, i love talking abt the Process of writing emotionally charged scenes, and so im happy to chat abt that moment, bc it's a significant one!

So, the scene:

"Another glance at Dean, and Sam thinks he ought to just rip this off like a band-aid, because every mention of Cas seems to push Dean’s soul further out of his body.

As gently as he can deliver the news, because he knows Mary considered Cas as much of a son as Dean and him, he rips off the proverbial band-aid, “Cas is— Cas died. He’s been dead almost a year. Jack left. He’s reconstructing Heaven with Amara’s supervision, I think. We haven’t heard from him in a while, though. I think maybe you’ve been dead longer than you’re thinking.”

“Oh,” Mary says softly.

Cautiously, she turns to look at Dean, and Sam has to clear his throat loudly so that Dean will notice there are people still around him, and look back at their mother.

When Dean does come back to the conversation, he must not like whatever expression is on Mary’s face— he doesn’t get angry, not out loud, in any case, but he seems further wounded by whatever expression she’s giving him.

“Dean, I’m so sorry about Castiel.”

Dean nods.

He keeps nodding.

Sam thinks of Dean sleep-deprived, circles and shadows under his eyes, sitting in a diner booth, talking to an empty bench, Dean chugging coffee, tearing the library apart all day and night, Dean drowned in liquor on the kitchen floor, jaundiced, blood-shot, Dean sitting in dewy grass like a kid in time-out while Baby’s carcass lets up streams of smoke behind him in the darkness.

“Knee’s busted,” Dean had said at the time.

Sam had thought to himself, “your soul’s looking pretty busted too, Dean,” but he’d not said it out loud.

It’s not like it would’ve done either of them any good.

“We can’t just leave her like this — out here in the dark. It’s cold. She’ll be all alone… she’ll think I just left her here to rot in the dark, all alone! She won’t know I’m coming for her! She can’t know how hard I’m trying to get back to her!”

Looking at Dean now, nodding, eyes empty, trying to look normal enough for their mother and failing so publicly, he feels a small flicker of compassion return to him.

He’s been hating Dean since the barn, and it’s not to say all that resentment and vitriol is totally gone in an instant like that, but Sam’s known for more of his life than not that no one hates Dean more than Dean, and remembering that now, in this very moment, makes him hurt for Dean.

You look insane, Sam thinks at Dean, sadness winding around his heart line a vine and squeezing, Dean, you’ve got the look of someone with dementia right now. You're so fucked up. 

“What happened?” Mary wonders, sympathy woven in her voice.

Sam wishes he could’ve had time to warn her not to ask that.

“I, uhm…” Dean is floundering, looking pained and lost, and he’s not looking to Sam for help, because he probably thinks Sam won’t help him anyway, and Sam supposes he’s not given Dean much reason to believe otherwise.

Not twenty minutes ago he was thinking he’d have preferred Dean stayed dead.

“Who is Castiel?” Jess pipes up politely.

“He—” there’s a frog in Dean’s throat suddenly, he seems to lose his ability to speak altogether, he might even be struggling to breathe, and finally his eyes rove to Sam’s.

Instinctively, Sam snaps into action.

“Dean, go grab mom a drink. I’ll fill her and Jess in,” he says, taking Mary by the shoulder and leading her to sit at the same table as Jess.

There’s a cross of shame, embarrassment, and gratitude over Dean’s face before he retreats.

...

Mary puts her elbows on the table, and then her head in her hands.

Leaning in closer across the table, Sam tells Mary quietly, “mom, he’s worse this time. He’s worse by a lot.”

Picking up her head, Mary looks at him worriedly, and Sam spares Jess a glance, and explains, “Dean’s lost Cas before. They’ve been friends for over a decade, and even longer when you consider how much time they spent together in other dimensions, too— point is, Dean’s never coped well, whenever Cas went missing, or was taken from him, but this time…” Sam looks back at Mary, grimacing, “... something’s different this time. He's...”

Sam could swear Mary knows something he doesn’t.

She looks down and away, but not as if she’s deep in thought, or even confused, or shocked— she seems resigned, almost.

As if she knows how that sentence ends, even though Sam doesn't."

So, Sam's perspective is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that chapter. Sam's perspective here almost matters more than Mary's, but that's why this isn't in Mary's perspective. We'll get her POV later, but right now, it matters that it's Sam, thinking and talking about Dean, to Mary.

In the opening of that chapter, Sam is pondering, resentfully, how he is more Dean's son than John or Mary's. He puts himself in the position of being Dean's son, knowing how fucked up that is, and hating Dean for it, despite knowing that was so outside of Dean's control.

Their relationship is weird and fucked up! Dean is his brother, his mother, his father, his friend, his guardian -- Dean wears a lot of hats for Sam. And here, this part of the scene opens with Sam looking at Dean, and knowing him.

He's the only person in that room that actually knows Dean.

That's why this scene, in regard to Mary, really 'begins,' with the observation that every mention of Cas' name is triggering Dean. Sam knows what Dean looks like when he's triggered, he can see Dean dissociating. He's letting Dean flounder, not out of anger, or anything, but because Dean hasn't asked for his help (because Dean is so reluctant to do that, Sam is his 'son,' and he doesn't ask Sam for help even when he should -- Sam knows this, this is the behavior of a person knowing when to tread lightly with a paternal figure).

Sam is keeping Mary's eyes on him purposefully, that's mentioned in the narration, that he's intentionally keeping Mary from looking at Dean, because Dean 'looks insane.'

We can only surmise what that might mean from Sam's perspective. This is also why it's really fun to play with POV switches -- what 'he looks insane,' means to Sam is probably not what it means to Mary. Still, the knee-jerk reaction is to keep anyone from seeing Dean in that state.

He considers Dean too vulnerable. Now here Sam is playing the Dean to John; just as Dean protected John (and will absolutely reflexively do when John is back in the bunker with them), Sam protects Dean, despite the everything of it all.

"Cautiously, she turns to look at Dean, and Sam has to clear his throat loudly so that Dean will notice there are people still around him, and look back at their mother.

When Dean does come back to the conversation, he must not like whatever expression is on Mary’s face— he doesn’t get angry, not out loud, in any case, but he seems further wounded by whatever expression she’s giving him.

“Dean, I’m so sorry about Castiel.”

Dean nods.

He keeps nodding."

Sam can't see Mary's expression, and we're not with Mary in her head yet.

We can only imagine whatever silent exchange happened with their faces when Dean came back a little bit to reality.

What does Mary see, is the question, and that's a really good question.

Without spoiling other plot stuff, we can keep it limited to speculation here -- Dean is as good as, if not a better hunter, than Mary. They both read people well, it's how they survived in the game as long as they did.

So, Dean looks at Mary and sees something that makes him angry, and defeated, as far as Sam can tell.

Mary, earlier in the scene, just mentioned that she was raised from the dead in the same place she first lost John.

Now she's looking at Dean, living in the same place he last lost Cas. I think it's safe to suggest that Mary, when she looks at Dean, sees herself.

She has no right to claim parts of Dean, she wasn't there for him or with him in any capacity, even when she was physically available, she was never emotionally available, she has no right to look at him like she Gets It, even if she does. Even if she's holding compassion for him -- that would irk Dean. Dean has his own grief with Mary, for her absences, for not appreciating that he was so on his own, for not somehow knowing that John would be who he was -- but starting a fight with Mary about how she's looking at him would be admitting something.

If he confesses that he's angry about the way Mary is looking at him, as if she 'gets it,' then he's confessing that there is anything there to 'get.'

So he looks away, he keeps his mouth shut. He just nods and keeps nodding.

There's so much frustration in that body language. Confused anger. Unable to maintain eye-contact, unable to stop nodding, but not saying anything, and then --

"“He—” there’s a frog in Dean’s throat suddenly, he seems to lose his ability to speak altogether, he might even be struggling to breathe, and finally his eyes rove to Sam’s.

Instinctively, Sam snaps into action."

Dean is doing exactly what he did in the dungeon. Dean's PTSD is on loud display here, but it's often just brushed off as being part of Dean's 'difficult' personality. Dean can't speak -- he went mute as a kid for a while when Mary died, he would shut down and stonewall whenever he lost Cas, he couldn't speak through Cas' confession, and now faced with Mary and Jess asking basic questions 'what happened?' 'who is Castiel?' he can't speak again.

How panicked must Dean be, to look to his little brother for help?

Sam thinks he's maybe not even breathing.

And word choice matters always, but especially here -- his eyes 'rove' to Sam's. His eyes are roving around the floor, and we don't know in search of what. They almost *happen* upon Sam. It's almost incidental.

His eyes 'rove,' to Sam's, implying a sort of lack of intention. His eyes don't 'shoot,' or 'snap,' to Sam's -- Dean is looking around the room, Sam likens him to a patient with dementia, says he looks 'insane,' and maybe to Sam, that means 'lost.'

Dean looks lost.

Dean is lost.

He happens upon his little brother/son in the darkness, and Sam, being the empathetic person he is, jumps into action, because anything else would go against his moral grain.

"Mary puts her elbows on the table, and then her head in her hands.

...

Sam could swear Mary knows something he doesn’t.

She looks down and away, but not as if she’s deep in thought, or even confused, or shocked— she seems resigned, almost.

As if she knows how that sentence ends, even though Sam doesn't."

This will come back later, but in the earlier seasons, Dean says to Sam that he doesn't know what the loss of love like losing Jess is like. He basically says that he doesn't envy Sam, and all he knows is that he's never loved and lost that way before. He implies he never will, that he doesn't feel capable of loving that big.

Somewhere along the line, Dean did learn what loving and losing big felt like.

Sam doesn't know it yet, because Sam can't see himself in Mary or Dean. They aren't mirrors for him. He sees them struggling, they struggle so differently from him, he can't identify it, but there, in the room with them, is where this conversation first began.

Jess.

See, this is a fun part of talking about writing, because this isn't gonna be explicitly stated in the narration at any point, I only get to talk about this bc someone asked me abt it lol -- the entire conversation these characters are having, couldn't have happened without Sam losing Jess.

First, Mary lost John, she made a deal, then John lost Mary, then much later on, Sam lost Jess, then Dean lost Sam, he made a deal, then Sam lost Dean, then much, much later on, Dean lost Cas.

There is only one person in that room that couldn't/wouldn't understand what Dean is going through right now, and that's Jess.

She's haunted the narrative just as effectively as Mary. The chapter begins with Sam hiding from her still -- he's hiding from Jess, he's hiding from his grief, because before he knew his parents really at all, he was a widower. He lost Jess, and that took over the all of him.

The thing is, though, the loss of Jess made Sam move. He got up, he got hunting, he got angry, he got into motion -- what happens to Mary and Dean, in their bereavement, is that they both shut down. They stop living.

That's why, during this exchange, Sam realizes he's angry with Dean for killing himself in that barn (or letting himself die -- it's computing as the same thing in Sam's head). They're all talking about grief, and a loss so profound, life loses all meaning.

Sam went out in search of meaning again, Mary and Dean never did. They disconnected from their emotions whether they meant to or not, the loss was too much, it defined who they are, and made them both absent.

Sam is angry with Dean's absence/leaving the same way Dean is angry with Mary, and this song and dance of loss and grief and rage and dissociation is so commonplace among them all, they can't remember that at one point in time, they were all Jess, and they weren't Jess's anymore, the day they lost their own Jess.

Jess, shiny and new, full of promise, unmarred, emotionally. She hears that Dean went to Hell, and she gasps. Mary and Sam aren't that effected, thinking back on it. To them, it's just a fact of life.

There is a ghost in the room, a constant, if gentle and innocent reminder, that life was not always so grim, and so heavy, and that ghost is the measuring stick of loss. Jess is That Big Loss for Sam, whose perspective we're inside of. He avoids her. He avoids looking at her, he isn't thinking about her too much, he's concerning himself with Dean and Mary, it's easier, it comes more naturally, but she's not going anywhere. She's in the room.

All that loss and grief have ever meant to Sam is sitting in the room with him while he looks at Mary, who is putting her head in her hands, resigned, full of some knowledge Sam thinks he doesn't have, because he's not looking at it across the table from him.

Earlier in his interiority, Sam muses about who he might have been, and that's an enduring character flaw in Sam, that he's fixated on fixing a past he can't fix, and wondering about what might have been, instead of staying in the present, accepting who and what he is, and finding a way to be okay with that.

Sam and Dean often parallel each other in canon. A lot of what Sam *says* he believes, he doesn't act as if he believes, and Dean often *says* things he doesn't actually believe, and we can tell he doesn't believe the things he says, by the way he acts.

Sam speaks a lot about healing, but never does it. If asked, Sam would say that the past is in the past, and he's gotta stay in the present time, but he so rarely actually does that. Dean *does* try to heal, but he does it all wrong, he hurts himself in his pursuit to feel better, he withdraws into himself like an animal with a broken limb receding into the woods to lick its wounds and see if the bone ever sets again.

Sam talks the talk, Dean walks the walk; Sam thinks there's nothing he can do to fix the past, but that doesn't keep him from trying to. He stays angry about it, he stays in motion about it, that's what Lights Out was also about -- Sam not sitting still in the face of loss, being unwilling to accept some doom. Dean resigns himself to the doom, and can't withstand the grief that comes with that resignation, but that doesn't mean he hasn't accepted it.

The question of what Mary sees can only really be spoken about, for right now, through Sam's lens of reality. And Sam has his own biases, his own blind spots, his own assumptions, and that colors how all that interaction goes down.

If Sam were more able to accept the ghost at the table and all that ghost brings with it, he'd be able to see more clearly what Mary sees. He'd know how the sentence ends.

Mary, being a Dean Mirror, knows how the sentence ends, because she is also at the end of that sentence.

[loserchildhotpants]

I am LOVING!!!! Blind Overture!!!!!!

Yes yes gimme more Sam POV! Him seeing his brotherfather, witnessing his grief and misery!

Also, in general I love the POV of people witnessing Dean’s Cas grief. Like with Sam, he knows Dean&Cas so very well but with blond spots OF knowing them the way he did. Like you said, Dean is his parent! No matter what we think there are things we can’t be objective about with our parents! Also Cas is Sam’s best friend thru sheer attrition at this point, his co-worker, his Brother-in-Law, AND his Stepfather! No wonder they have the oddest dynamic especially since I’m not sure Sam really gets that last one, even if he know Dean is his parent, Cas-As-Mom/Dad’s-New-Boyfriend-then-Spouse is actually a hilarious way to look back at his and Sam’s whole relationship and I’m not sure Sam would EVER see it that way lol.

Or from Mary’s POV! she knows more then most what drives someone to make a deal to save her soul mate and the fall out after is something she is now forced to witness?? Yes. What happened to John after her death thru the lens of her son mourning his other half doing what she did? Delicious

or a slightly more distant but still close connection like Jody, knowingthat Dean is strong but vulnerable, and knowing thru the abstract he cares a lot for Cas, but WITNESSING the devastation of Cas’s death upon Dean? That’s something else. Or the fucked up feelings Claire has for Cas mixing and blinding and illuminating what is going on with Dean. She’s going to be so angry and hurt and fucked up about it! And she’s a Dean mirror so maybe her reaction is closer to what most assume Dean would be, and maybe she thinks Dean would be as well, so he expecting SOMETHING like anger (her’s and his usual cooping mechanism) and just seeing the black whole of grief he’s in is like… not to mention her experience with her mom being unable to let go of HER lost soul mate to the point she was essentially abandoned? And here’s Dean doing that to her!! again!!!

Or Garth! I love your Garth in “Used To Be Mine”, I assume he’s similarly gentle and compassionate here. He never meet Cas yet he knew enough for what he’s done for Dean to name his child after him! (Side note, it’s criminal Cas has not met little Cas. And side side note I just pictured Fucked-Up-About-Cas’s-Death-Dean holding little Cas so very gently, feeling so kinda way that isn’t crushing despair for the first time in a while but there’s still soooo many sad emotions of “Cas should have meet little Cas here”, “I (Dean) should have been a better Dad to Jack” and such). Like, is Garth being a werewolf a factor in how MUCH he’s able to understand Dean? Like a werewolf losing a mate could be a death sentence in many a canon, maybe in Supernatural as well, all he wants is to do is take this widowed pack member and surround him with pack and live to help ease this suffering, to fill the void even a little bit, but Dean’s not a wolf and he’d find it suffocating rather then fulfilling and it’s killing Garth to understand that

And basically strangers POV’s? Yes yes yes. Like say Jesse in this fic or a waitress at a local diner Dean returns to, etc. just someone that is witnessing BIBLICAL heart- no SOUL- break and feels moved by it to at least notice and bear witness to it, maybe even help, only to feel the weight despair of it start to crush even them a bit by proximity. Even if they themselves have known hurt and tragedy, this is… something terrible and unique

And John coming back and Dean in the state he’s in???? yuuusss. Like will he even notice Dean’s empty? Will he recognize that he normalized just letting the loss of your soulmate consume you to his son? Will he see it or will he think Dean weak for “giving up” instead of letting that loss drive you? Agony means revenge, it can drive you but you can still live to a certain point, still find physical companionship (see the result in Adam. Also, is Adam also on the way??? Full family reunion (don’t worry you don’t have to spoil haha)) not laying down and rotting. And that’s even if he ever recognizes its loss and heartbreak! John being John and seeing Dean the way he wants to see him, maybe he thinks, my son turned out to be a lazy drunk, he’s not even hunting these days, just laying about drinking and sulking. John never expected Dean to settle down respectably, hah not his oldest son, he’s not even carousing and chasing tail like he expected Dean would do for the rest of his life

Anyway! Love it! Keep it up! Can’t wait for the next one!

Firstly, thank you so much!!! I’m glad you’re enjoying it!!

As a person with a siblingparent myself, i actually love writing Sam’s POV lol we could never really understand each other bc im 5ft tall tho 😔

Yeah, Sam hasn’t had a chance to really grieve Cas properly as his friend because he’s basically been performing CPR on his brother since he ‘died.’ poor Sam hasn’t gotten a break here really 😅

I can’t comment on Claire, Mary, John, Adam, or Garth without spoiling stuff 👀 but im excited that *you’re* excited, and i think you’ll be very pleased w how many perspectives you’ll be reading :333