#WHY WONT MY PHONE ANSWER MY QUESTIONS. TECHNOLOGY IS USELESS

[sanguinewolves]

they need to make a search engine where you can type in a really specific question & it pulls up an exact answer no matter how poorly your question was phrased

[comuteingwife-blog]

Conjestion

Little has changed in the past few days.  There continues to be this brick wall that I can not climb from contemplative to action.  Do I want things to be different - YES.  But have I made any reasonable change - no.  I have continued to see my therapist.  She’s insightful and concerned but I still have the same struggles.  I recognize that the problems remain my own doing, but I was hopeful a clinician would help me have some sort of magical epiphany into the thoughts behind my actions.  The truth as to why I am creating my own demise.  When discussing my choice to have a blog other then a “secret secret word document” she found it interesting.  I can justify my decision - I can access this site on my phone, iPad, laptop and desktop; but she alluded to the idea that there is more about this choice.  She provided a number of examples of “gut” writing I should be doing to find “the real” me.  Her examples seemed so far from what I would naturally think.  She told me how, when her children were young, she would have visions of putting them in the freezer when they were annoying then take them out later to play with them.  That’s just not me - real me or alcoholic me.  When my son engages in purple crying (which she had never heard of) I really want to just lay him in his crib, shut the door and watch him cry on the baby monitor.  But because it bothers my other child, I’m not going to do this.  It bothers me that she continues to give me parenting advice.  I don’t need it. 

it bothers her that i have an answer for her questions.  Have you tried this, have you tried that, why wont you give this a try, why didn’t that work for you, and so on.  I don’t have all the answers.  I don’t.  I want to learn how to deal with some of my past trauma in a way that is health.  I want assistance in reshaping how I think so that the giant hurdle in my brain gradually shrinks from a mountain to ant hill.  I want encouragement that this is something that I can do.  I want to know that if I leave my addiction behind I wont be so lonely.  This is not what I’m getting.  From our sessions, I’m getting parenting advice, remarks on how easy it is for her to create alternatives, how others do not posses my predisposition, and most irritatingly - how short her fucking commute to work is; “10 seconds or 10 minutes”!   

Maybe I’m thinking opposition-ally because I am resistant to this new path.  I am resistant.  What is it that I cant seem to get past? Why do I have an answer for everything? Why do I feel like all of my useless efforts were unsuccessful?  Did I try? yes.  Was my effort enough at one time in my life? yes.  Can they be successful in the future?  i don’t know.  I can tell you what I want to do in order to make his change.  I want to go to the gym after work.  I want to go back to when I would use technology to allow me to participate in sobriety while still maintaining a career and home life balance.  Right now that’s not really achievable unless I get up and go to the gym at 5am.  Getting up with my son several times a night, I am exhausted when my alarm goes off at 5:30 am.  

On another note, my husband stayed home from work again.  This is the second Tuesday this month that he has chosen to stay home.  It makes me concerned that he is not taking his career seriously.  I understand that he is dealing with a lot of stress at work and its emotionally draining.  I understand that he feels he is doing the best that he can for our family by staying home some days.  However, because he is the bread winner, and I want him to advance in his career, i believe that these decisions to skip work will inadvertently hurt him and through him our family.  With the outrageous cost of childcare its silly for me to work.  Its not worth the time away from my family and the stress it causes daily.  He will need to take the lead on finances.  He is dragging his feat in moving up.  

I don’t know if I want to leave my job.  I am happy in this position.  The hours are long when I consider the commute.  The pay is ok.  I enjoy what I do.  I enjoy the men and women I work with.  I enjoy the individuals that I work for.  My boss is excellent.  But after taxes, childcare and gas, I make under $5.00 per hour. That’s bananas. I would make more money dropping fries at McDonald's.  If I leave the workforce, it will be difficult for me to re-enter and my income negotiating power will affected.  If I continue to work at a job I enjoy I will be, essentially, paying for the privilege of working. And I can not claim my childcare.  So I have to decide what I want to do and as much as I have sought out advice and or direction from others, its has not made any impact on what I can do.  

All of this and so much more