#WHY WAS EVERYONE OK WITH BRICKING UP POPPY IN HER HOME?????

[l0ganberry]

THIS IS NOT OK!?!

THERE'S THE SAME BLACK SUBSTANCE ON THE BRICK WITH POPPY'S FEATHER ON IT!!!!!

[all-the-love-harold]

Chapter 11- Hang in there, Baby

Master Post 

August 15th 2021 

 Emily 31 Weeks 

Poppy 27 Weeks 

 The summer sun shone brightly through the bedroom curtains as Poppy’s eyes flashed open.  A sharp pain in her back had jolted her out of a deep sleep. The pain subsided and she gently rolled over to check the time on her phone, 6:36am. Oli would be awake soon so  there wasn’t much point in trying to go back to sleep. She sat up a little, wincing at the pain in her back that was more of a dull ache now and her movements awoke Harry. 

 �� ‘s the time?” he groaned, still groggy with sleep. “It’s almost twenty to 7,” Poppy whispered. “And Oli’s still asleep so shhhh!” she hushed. 

Harry rolled over so that he could see Poppy and placed his hand gently on the swell of her belly, “and how’s our little girl?” he asked softly, smiling as he always did when he talked about his daughter. 

“I think she’s still sleeping too, had her mother up at 3am kicking like a mad woman!” 

“No doubt she’s your daughter then,” Harry laughed 

“I don’t kick in my sleep,” Poppy said, sounding very sure of herself, arms crossed over her chest in defense.

“Yes, you do” he sighed, still laughing, resting his head on her chest “but it’s ok because I love you anyway.” 

“I love yo-”  Suddenly Poppy stopped talking  and inhaled sharply, grabbing onto her back as another sharp pain  hit her like a tonne of bricks.

 “Are you OK?” Harry asked, sitting up properly now, his eyes narrowing as he watched her.

Poppy didn’t answer until the pain subsided into a dull ache again, “Yeah,” she nodded,  I’m fine, it’s just my back...” 

“Roll over, I’ll give you a massage.” 

She groaned a little as she turned onto her side, careful not to land on her pregnant belly. 

“Where’s it sore?” Harry’s hands hovered over her back.Poppy pointed to her lower back “Near my bum.” 

Harry began massaging the spot where she had pointed and it instantly started to feel better. But before it had the chance to really help, Oli toddled through the door. 

“Are we still having a baby party today Mum?” He asked, sliding into the bed next to her, ignoring everything else going on around him as though this question was the most important thing in the world right now.

“We are buddy, not until lunchtime though”... 

“But the baby’s not coming today?” 

“No, not today Ol, not for a while yet” Harry said, continuing to massage Poppy’s back, while also dropping a good morning kiss to his son’s forehead. “Is Emily’s baby coming today then?” he asked 

“No, still another few weeks until Emily’s baby is here too.” 

Oli sighed deeply, “I’m never gonna be a big brother!” he huffed dramatically, folding his arms over his chest, in an image of his mother about ten minutes earlier.

Harry and Poppy both giggled, which only sent another shooting pain up Poppy’s back. Harry felt her wince, the muscles seizing under his hands.

“Why don’t you go and have a hot bath, love? I’ll get Oli breakfast, come on mate.” 

As much as she wanted to say no and have breakfast together which was their tradition whenever Harry was home,  all she could really think about was how soothing the hot water would be rushing over her back so she nodded and pulled the covers back. 

“Oli, why don’t you go on Daddy’s side, so Mum can get out of bed?” 

Sometimes Poppy forgot that Oli was only four and didn’t think about things logically so instead of climbing out of bed and walking around to cuddle his dad, he rolled over his mother, making her groan in pain. 

“Oliver,” Harry said sternly, “Next time, please walk around, remember there’s a baby in Mummy's tummy, you need to be gentle with her...” 

“Sorry, daddy,” he sighed 

 Poppy tuned them out, focusing on her breathing to try and stop the pain in her back as she walked to the bathroom and turned on the hot water. She knew what this could be and she wasn’t willing to accept that possibility yet…

  The steaming hot water washed over her and her body felt lighter and less painful. The baby must have felt it too because she started kicking as soon as the water covered Poppy’s belly. 

“You can’t do this today, miss” Poppy breathed, trying to keep her voice calm,  hands on her belly. “You’ve got to stay in there for a few more weeks yet. Okay?..... I can’t have another Violet.” 

 ***

 Whatever Poppy did that morning must have helped because by the time everyone arrived for the baby shower, her back was feeling better, which she was unbelievably thankful for. This shower meant a lot to her, and to Em, who had invited her entire family. It was a little chaotic with everyone there, Em’s brother had a son the same age as Oli and the two of them were running around like mad men, not at all bothered by all the baby related games that were going on in the garden. 

“So... you got my baby sister pregnant?” Emily’s brother said to Harry as they both poured themselves a drink.

“Ahhh,” Harry laughed nervously “I guess I did…. Technically” 

“Sorry,” the brother giggled, “I’ve always wanted to say that - I’m Peter.” 

“Harry,” he held out his hand to shake Peter’s. 

“I know,” Peter said, “My husband is a big fan!” 

Harry couldn’t help but smile, “Sorry?” he said in a sarcastic tone .“No need,” Peter shook his head, “I’m a fan too,  even more so since I heard how wonderful you’ve been to Em through this whole thing.” 

“How could I not be?” Harry shrugged “She’s doing the most incredible thing for us and she's so graceful about it all!” 

“She always has been, has she told you that surrogacy is how we had our little Henry?” 

“She has,” Harry nodded “She told us that from the start, she said that’s why she wanted to do it.” 

“We never did anything like this for our surrogate, she’s had no contact with us since actually... I don’t want that for Em, I want her to see this little boy grow up.” 

“Em will always be a part of this family” Harry said “As long as she wants to be, everything here is on her terms.” 

“You and Poppy are good people,” Peter nodded. “I have to admit though, when Em told me that Poppy fell pregnant, I was worried that you two were in this for the wrong reasons and I told her to be careful, but you’ve really proven me wrong. Thank you.” 

“We didn’t know,” Harry sighed “When Poppy fell pregnant we didn’t know that we’d get to 27 weeks. We still don’t know how far we’ll get, we’re terrified all the time, but Em makes it easier, she keeps us focused on what we have right now, which is two babies and Oli.” 

“You’ve got a very sleepless few months ahead of you,” Peter said, feeling a little awkward 

“That we do,” Harry giggled. 

 On the other side of the garden, Poppy sat with Anne, Emily and her mum, Patricia, comparing pregnancy notes. 

“When I was having Gemma, all I wanted was mash potato, I ate bucketloads of it...” Anne said when the topic of cravings came up 

“Me too!” Em said, “My best friend makes the best mash, it’s so creamy. Shit. Now that’s all I can think about..”

“All I want is Vegemite,” Poppy said. “Harry’s perfected the art of Vegemite on toast this time around!” 

“I tried that once,” said Patricia, “It’s awful stuff, I don’t know how you eat it.” 

Poppy shrugged, “It’s an acquired taste, I’ve eaten it since I was a baby, so has Oli and he loves it too.” 

“All I wanted when I was having Pete was feta cheese, I ate so much of the stuff and now Em tells me that you’re not supposed to eat soft cheeses! Explains a lot about Pete now that I think about it, actually,” she laughed teasingly.

“It’s just what they recommend, Mum,” Em said. “Soft cheeses can contain the listeria bacteria - there’s a very small chance they can make you sick, and to avoid harming the baby, they say not to eat it at all.” 

“It pays to have an OB/GYN student around when you’re having a baby,” Poppy smiled. “Especially when she’s having a baby too!” 

“Speaking of,” Emily smiled, placing her hand on her belly, “Your little boy has been kicking like a mad man today!” 

“So has his sister,” Poppy giggled “feels like she’s doing backflips in there.” 

“They’re going to be such good friends,” Anne said, a wide smile stretched across her face. “I wonder if they’ll have that twin telepathy thing...” 

“They’re not twins,” Poppy said teasingly with a half smile stretched across her face.

“Let’s just wait and see,” Anne said, not giving up on the idea. 

“Alright”, Gemma clapped getting everyone’s attention and drawing the conversation away from twin telepathy. “it’s party game time, I need everyone to come over here, we’re about to name a baby!” 

The whole party gathered around the table that Gemma had set up, that was covered in onesies to decorate, a jar full of name suggestions, and some baby themed cupcakes and biscuits.

“Harry, Pop and Em, you get to sit here, right in front of everyone and take these red and green paddles. if you like the name, show us the green side, if you don’t, show us the red. You’re adults you probably could have worked that out for yourselves but anyway...” Gemma laughed 

“Thanks Gem,” Harry said sarcastically as he sat down where he was told to

 “Hey, it’s not my fault you can’t name your own child!” 

“We’ve named one of them...” Poppy said defensively.  

“You have,” Gemma said, “which brings me to the point that these are girls names only, since Baby Boy has been named.” 

 The pain in Poppy’s back returned, sharper than ever just as she sat down. She winced, while she waited for it to subside again, and tuned the rest of the conversation out.

  Breathe. 

That’s all she had to do right now. 

A few big breaths and it will all go away.

  But it didn’t and when Gemma started rambling about the ridiculous names that everyone had put in the jar, Poppy took the opportunity to tell Harry. 

“Harry,” she whispered leaning over so that only he could hear, “I think I need to go to the hospital...” 

His eyes widened, “What’s wrong?” 

“I think the back pain is contractions.” 

He nodded,  already springing into action -“Are we being subtle about leaving? Or are we just going?”

“I think we just need to go” Poppy said breathlessly, another wave of pain taking over her body. 

Harry stood up and laughed nervously, as everyone stopped talking and looked at him. “Poppy might be in labour...” he announced running his fingers through his hair “We’re going to go to the hospital.” 

At that moment everyone ran over to crowd Poppy, which only made her feel worse. 

“Are you having contractions?” Emily asked

“Back pain,” Poppy said through gritted teeth “it’s sharp and it comes and goes every few minutes.” 

“That sounds like early labour,” Em nodded “Have you had any bleeding?”

“No,” Poppy shook her head.

“That’s good,” Em smiled “That means your mucus plug is still ok.”

Peter and his husband scrunched their noses at the thought of a mucus plug. 

“What does that mean?” Anne asked, voice filled with concern.

“It means the doctors have a better chance of stopping it. “Ok we should go then,” Harry said immediately. 

 London traffic had never felt slower. They were barely out of their street before they were stopped and it took them five minutes to get to the main road that led to the hospital, which usually only took them 2. Poppy took the extra time to call their doctor and let her know that they were going to the hospital but even after that they were still 10 minutes away.

 “Harry,” Poppy sighed. “I’m scared,”  her voice broke a little as she admitted how she was feeling. 

“Me too, Pop.” He grabbed onto her hand and squeezed it tight before bringing it up to his lips and placing a gentle kiss to it, “We’re going to be ok Pop.” 

“She doesn’t even have a name yet!”

“She doesn’t need one,” Harry said optimiscally. “Her due date isn’t for another three months.” 

“Harry, I don’t carry babies to term, her due date could very well be today!” 

“They stopped it with Oli”, Harry said, turning his head towards her. “There’s nothing to say they won’t be able to stop it this time.” 

“I was 28 weeks with Oli”, she sighed “I’m only 27 this time.” 

“28 tomorrow,” Harry added, 

“One day does make a difference H”. 

“I know it does”, he sighed “But I’m trying to stop myself from thinking about what might happen if she arrives today. Let’s try and stay positive until we know more, ok?” 

“OK.” Poppy nodded, that’s what she loved the most about Harry. He always looked at the bright side, sometimes to a fault, but today he was right, there was a chance that their little girl might arrive today, but there was an equal chance that she wouldn’t, and why not focus on that?

 They pulled into the hospital driveway and Harry headed straight for the underground parking. 

“Wait,” he said just before he got a ticket “are you going to be able to walk there if I park down here? Or do you want me to park near the entrance?” 

“Harry’s it’s 1pm,” Poppy said reasonably, “There won’t be any parking up there, I’ll be fine to walk.” 

“I can go up and get you a wheelchair,” he said, driving the car down the ramp 

“I can walk H, I just want to get in there.” 

“OK,” he said calmly, pulling into a free space and turning the car off. “Let’s go then.” 

 They entered A&E to chaos. The waiting room was filled with ill and injured people and Poppy felt a bit out of place until another wave of pain took over her while they waited in the queue to check in. 

She squeezed Harry’s hand in an attempt to ease the pain and he asked her if she needed to sit down

“No, I’m OK,” she said, gritting her teeth, “I  just want to talk to the nurse.” 

 “What brings you to A&E today my dear?” The nurse asked as they stepped up to the counter 

“I think I’m in labour...”  Poppy said 

“How far along are you?” 

“27 Weeks” 

The nurse waved nonchalantly, “It’s probably just Braxton Hicks contractions dear, go home and rest”.

Poppy took a deep breath, not caring as her voice rose in volume, “This is a high risk pregnancy, I went into labour early with my son, and I lost a baby from early labour last year. This is not Braxton Hicks!”

The nurse looked stunned “OK. I’ll call the maternity ward and have one of the midwives come down and assess you. Take a seat.” 

 “Old Cow,” Poppy muttered to Harry as they took their seats. Harry giggled, “hey hey hey, treat people with kindness now Pop.” “I will when I’m not in labour” she half laughed and half winced at the pain of another contraction. 

 They didn’t have to wait long, only 10 minutes passed before a midwife came rushing in calling Poppy’s name. They were taken into one of the small examination rooms in A&E to be assessed before they could be admitted to the maternity ward. “How long ago did the pain start?” 

“I had a dull ache in my back yesterday afternoon and this morning it turned it to sharp pains every so often,” Poppy said 

“And have your waters broken?” 

“No,” Poppy shook her head 

“Good,” the midwife replied with a smile “any bleeding?”

“No.” 

“Great,” she was taking notes on her clipboard 

“Did you bring your pregnancy notes with you?” 

Poppy looked towards Harry who had been holding them under his armpit the whole time. 

“They’re here,” he said handing them to the midwife, who blushed when he smiled at her. 

“So this isn’t the first time you’ve gone into labour in the second trimester?” 

“No,” Poppy shook her head “It’s the third...” 

“OK, well we’ll do a quick exam, see where your cervix is at and go from there, but I’d say given your history we’ll be admitting you. I’ll get you a gown so we can go ahead,” the midwife left the room

“She doesn’t seem too worried,” Harry said 

“She doesn’t seem not worried,” Poppy countered. “She thinks I am in labour.” 

“We knew that though,” Harry placed a kiss on Poppy’s forehead “I think we’re here early enough to stop it.” 

“I hope -” 

The midwife walked back in and handed Poppy the gown -  “Put this on and lay down on that bed just there. I’ll be back in a few minutes. Dad you can stay or if you’re squeamish you can go back out to the waiting room.” 

“I’ve seen it all before,” Harry smiled referring to the examination that was about to happen although he was sure the midwife thought he meant something else because she started blushing again as she walked out of the room. 

“Someone’s got a secret admirer!” Poppy said as she unbuttoned her jeans 

“It’s not very secret,” Harry added 

“Either she’s in love with you, or she’s feeling weird about having to look at Harry Styles wife’s vagina!” 

“Maybe both,” he shrugged. 

Poppy pulled the gown on and laid down on the table like she was asked and a knock came on the door, right on cue. Harry sat down in the chair next to Poppy head and grabbed hold of her hand. 

“Alright, I’ll make this quick,” the midwife said, pulling on a pair of gloves as Poppy winced her way through another contraction. Poppy hated this part, not only was it uncomfortable, but for the next few minutes she didn’t know what was going to happen. Maybe it was just Braxton Hicks contractions and everything was going to be ok, or maybe she’d meet her baby girl today and spend the next few months in the hospital with her.

  Or maybe they’d also be saying goodbye to their little girl today. 

 “You’re only 1cm dilated,” the midwife finally said after what felt like hours. “Normally I’d send you home and tell you to come back if the pain gets worse, but given your history, I’ll admit you and we’ll do a few more tests and go from there. We’ll also give your doctor a call and let her know you’re here.” 

 An hour later they found themselves in a private room in the maternity ward. An ultrasound had shown the baby had dropped into the right position for birth, and now the shape of Poppy’s uterus was affecting her growth. Now they were nervously waiting for Dr Marshall to come in and tell them that she could somehow work some magic and fix the problem. They waited in silence. Poppy stared at the wall wondering what on earth could have made this happen and Harry sat on his phone, texting Anne and Gemma. 

 H: Poppy has been admitted, baby girl has dropped, waiting to see the doctor for more info. How is Oli?” 

 A: Praying for good news xxx. Oli is OK, he keeps asking where you went… What should I tell him? 

 G: Has anyone told Addie yet?

 H: You can tell Oli that we’ve come to the hospital to make sure the baby is ok, and I’ll be home with him as soon as I can. We haven’t told Addie yet, I’ll wait until we know a bit more, don’t want her thinking she needs to jump on a train from Bath if everything is ok.

A: Good idea. Em and her family left about half an hour ago, they said to let them know if you need anything.

 H: They’re very sweet, I’ll send Em a message and let her know what’s going on. I’ll try and be home for Oli’s bedtime and then I’ll come back to stay here with Pop

 Dr Marshall was surprisingly fast, Harry and Poppy had been expecting her to take hours, but it was only about 20 minutes after they got to their room that she popped her head around the corner. 

“How are we doing?, she asked, picking up Poppy’s chart. “contractions every 10 minutes still?” 

“About that,” Poppy nodded .

“So what we’re going to try and do is get Baby to turn back around.” 

“How do we do that?” Poppy asked, confused. 

“Well, if you were more than 1cm dilated we’d do it the simple way, but since you’re not, we’ll try a massage on your belly, we usually do this when a baby is breach, I’ve only done it once or twice for this situation, but it’s a simple procedure, I promise.” 

“That sounds much more pleasant than the other way,” Poppy laughed nervously 

“It is,” nodded Dr Marshall with a smile.“We’re also going to give you a shot of progesterone to try and put a stop to those contractions.” 

“That sounds lovely too,” Poppy half smiled 

“And you know this means you’ll be on strict bed rest until you give birth?” Dr Marshall said sternly raising her eyebrows. 

“Do I have to stay here?” 

Dr Marshall thought for a moment “No,” she hesitated “I’ll let you go home to your little one, but I need you to promise that you’ll be taking it easy” 

“I’ll make sure of that”, Harry said a stern look falling onto his face too. 

“Good,” the doctor smiled “You’ll be here a day or two while we make sure the labour has stopped and we get Baby Girl turned around.”  

Poppy and Harry both nodded 

“I’ll order that injection now and once those contractions stop we’ll start the massage.” She put Poppy’s chart down at the end of her bed and turned to leave the room.“Thank you,” Harry and Poppy both called after her .

 Once she was gone Harry placed a kiss onto Poppy’s forehead and breathed a sigh of relief “This is good,” he said 

“I have a name” Poppy said quietly 

Harry sat down on the bed next to her “Hmm” he cooed “I’m listening” 

“Florence Anne...” 

Harry nodded. “It’s beautiful. Florence, Oscar and Oliver,” he sighed “I like it” 

“Flori, Ossie and Oli,” Poppy said. “For short.” 

“And Violet,” Harry added 

“Always.” 

[sunninja2002]

Autumn winds chapter fifteen: finally breathing.

Sunlight shone down onto the grassy plane where the caretaker lay, as he opened his eyes, his vision set upon 8 others, each were waking up, taking in their surroundings, autumn held her head as she woke, her mismatched eyes glancing around the cave. [*...guys..? Everyone is...your all here..] it was true, each child autumn had revived was there, in the flesh, the group looked at autumn, their eyes were no longer grey, they had... colour, life. "We're... we're alive! We didn't die!" Bandy looked at his hands, he heard a cough and noticed chara, chara stood as a shadow loomed over his eyes. "you, you ruined everything!!" Chara lunged for frisk and held her against the wall, autumn stood and kicked the back of chara's leg, making him fall back, he thrusted his knife only for autumn to grab it, he waited for her to stab him, she looks at the blade and stared at her reflection, she closes her eyes, a slash was heard, then a gasp from frisk, chara opened his eyes and saw two cut pieces of braided hair on the grass, chara looked up at autumn in disbelief and confusion. [*it's time to let go, chara] autumn dropped the knife at chara's feet and opened her eyes. she held frisks hand and stood over him, the others stood nearby. [*We aren't gonna kill you. And you won't be abusing this world anymore.] Frisk gripped autumn's hand as she looked at autumn's discarded braids, then to chara, waiting for an answer. "Why...i-I wouldn't have shown you- any of you, the same mercy!" Autumn was unphased, [*I know.] she walked around him, still holding frisks hand. The others followed, glancing at chara, autumn stopped and turned to look at chara one last time [*and that's why you've failed.] Autumn led the others through the hall as chara sat there, silently. Autumn's words ring in his head. As time went on for the 8 humans, frisk became the child of the dreemur family and became their greatest joy, while the other six besides autumn were constantly visiting the barrier, the king and queen were curious as to why they did this despite being told they were trapped here, autumn then came clean about her promise to them and how they miss their families. Asgore and Toriel looked at eachother in sorrow and decided to invest more time into the barrier.

Some time later.

The 8 humans stand in the laboratory as the royal scientist showed them a white vial. The scientist was a scaly pink dinosaur monster with hearing aids, she looked about 26 and next to her was her five year old daughter.

"ok, in this vile is the essence of a monster...that has passed away in the hospital, do not worry! The patients have willingly accepted giving their soul's for this cause before their passing. No need to feel guilt, as I was saying, with one drop of this in each of your souls, you should be able to pass through the barrier and back anytime you wish! So you can visit anytime. This has taken about 4 years to perfection. Alright. Who's first?" The children looked at eachother. Autumn stepped up. [*I'll go first.] The scientist had autumn reveal her soul and poured a drop of the white fluid onto the aburn orange heart, it swirled and created a white outline around her soul, autumn shivered at this feeling, each of the children were given the same treatment and they walked towards the barrier, autumn walked towards the light and touched it, she then fell through it as if it were water and landed on the other side. The head scientist looked on in amazement "it does work!" The other kids went through the barrier and back to test it, the head scientist was right. They could come back. They each looked around and took in a deep breath, for the first time in years, they could breathe. Autumn stood and smiled at the others. [*Cmon guys, let's get you home!] The children walked down the mountain, they entered the cave where it all started, frisk spotted her bike and picked it up, autumn spotted hers and got on it. Katt and Jodie spotted their old tent and camping area, vines and moss had claimed the metal and worn fabric over time. They looked at eachother as memories flooded back slowly, Finally, they embraced eachother in a tight hold, whispering apologies and 'i love you' to eachother, they broke the hug and walked back to the others, hand in hand, they reached the end of the mountain and reached the road, they walked the streets and followed direction given by each child, however, each home they found, noone was there. The six looked dejected and hopeless, autumn gave them a sorrowful look [*I...I'm sorry guys, let's head to my place, you can stay the night if you want.] The others looked at eachother before nodding sadly, the journey back to the cul De sac was long, however, on the way, autumn noticed the police station was open at a time it wasn't supposed to be, she stopped and looked, she parked her bike at the bus stop she was standing near, only stop as she spots a phone in the garbage can, she picked it up and saw frisks name on the phone case, she looked at frisk. [*Frisk, why is your phone in the trash?] Frisk took her phone and checked it, she looks at autumn with guilt. "I....I threw it away when I ran away..." She admitted. Autumn pet frisks head and ruffled her hair. [*Its ok, I'm not angry] Nona looked into the police station window "mana there's people in there, in a circle" said Nona, autumn looks in [*what is this? Looks like a therapy circle.] They walk into the police station and noticed a few flyers on the walls, one read: "group closure therapy today at 10:39pm for victims of the "Ebott's missing children" tragedies.

Children's first names, in order: chara, poppy, Brandon, Ivan, Kleo, Annie Jane, Polly, Francis, autumn.

Today's session: closure for grief."

The children looked at the poster in surprise, it was their names, true names, "that means our parents are here.." Said said irro. Bandy noticed a ginger haired man sitting with his head in his hands, bandy walked up to him and was able to hear him whispering things "so stupid.... such a stupid, stupid idea... little brother I'm sorry..." Bandy reached out to him. "... Terrance..?" He recognised the man's voice as the eldest of his siblings, the man looked up, seeing his youngest brother, who hadn't aged a day passed 11. "Brandon...? N-no...I'm going insane...your not here..." The 21 year old reached out and put a hand on bandy's shoulder, his eyes widened as he came in contact with physical mass, this meant he wasn't insane, that his brother was here. "..Terrence your not dreaming, I'm real- hey! cmon! don't pretend I'm invisible again! you bully." said Bandy with a teary, pouty look, Terrance pulled bandy into a tight hug, repeating apologies over and over. Autumn smiled warmly at the sight, the two talked about what happened and were able to reconcile. Autumn noticed the others besides her, Nona and frisk were gone, they walked through the station and noticed the room with the circled chairs, Katt, Jodie, Ivan and Polly were all there with adults and even other kids, they all had emotional expressions, Nona looked up at autumn. "Mana, can we go home now? I'm hungry.." autumn picked her up so she could ride on her shoulders. Then realised something. If her parents weren't here, she knew exactly where they would be.

Autumn parked her bike at the gate, there stood an old house made of wood and bricks, frisk looks at it in awe. "Autumn, what is this place?" Asked frisk. Nona butted in and got off of autumn, she ran to the door. "Mama! I'm home! Mana brought me home!" Said Nona. Autumn walked up to the door and opened it, Nona Ran inside only to notice the decor had changed a bit, there was more furniture and the walls were painted. Nona looked at autumn in confusion. Autumn held her hand [*cmon Nona, I wanna show you something.] Autumn held a sorrowful look as she led Nona to the garden, there was a wooden cross headstone with the word POPPY engraved into it, it was decorated with red flowers and there was a small, plastic, flowery teapot, it was old and dirty. Nona picked it up. "My teapot..." Autumn put a hand on Nona's shoulder, ready to tell her something when they heard the sound of breaking glass behind them.

To be continued....

[*knowing that your fulfilling your promise, fills you with COURAGE 🧡]

[mojput-mypath]

6-months drama/6-mjesečna drama

MY 6-MONTH CRISIS

In average, every six months I have a minor existential crisis, one when I question all I do, where I live, my pay, my work atmosphere, the job, love, friendships, I also question myself. This time it was a bit shorter and there was less drama. Or was it? Is it finished?

After a small enlightenment episode, a blackness took over me. Cuttlefish ink. Cuttlefish are such pretty animals. The ink so powerful, right in the bullseye.

The clearest image in my mind now is a recent impression of a complete blackout I had. The mouth kept opening and the words kept coming out. Well, if it were only the words that came out...but no, they were shouted out from the depth of my soul, and they tore my throat apart. As much as they tore my throat apart, they must have torn her heart apart.

The situation is not so important, the people involved are not important, what matters is the deep scarring. Left in mine, and guessing in the other heart as well. Absolute verbal violence. I have not yet graduated from the first Yama, in Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras: non-violence. Nor was I non-violent, nor was there non-violence in my presence. It was just the opposite.

CRAZY FROM MADNESS

If this is flowering, it is certainly a strange one. The flowering of a complete personality, is it a road paved with black bricks? This must have been the darkest blackness coming out of the depth of my soul.

To be spiritual must mean to be polite. But if I am anything similar to polite lately, then the Earth is flat. If I actually believed in the Earth-being-flat theory, this would have made more sense.  

I realise more and more that non-violence comes to pass on its own, the same as violence. There is a self-control effect, but man, sometimes it cannot be found even in traces. When you think that 14 years of meditation brought you somewhere, then you are truly misguided. Every attempt to fit your personality and body in a mould, results in nature smelling it out instantly and saying: No, you don’t! Every attempt in creating an eternal security feel just pulls the carpet under your feet and yells out at you: No. Can. Do!

HOLIDAYS

After four months in the Ashram – holidays! This time I agreed with my sister we would go for more days and not travel too much. We needed the rest.

EPIC JOURNEY: TRAIN

Some of you have heard this story already, so I apologise for repeating myself. Also, if you have no time, please stop here, this blog seems like it will be taking a while. I should start writing the “read time” and keywords, as a combination of a scientific article and an online article. What say you?

So, the epic journey began with buying tickets to the airport. I got the tickets in a way I usually do not, guided by our ever tiny budget: I got us regional train tickets that would make the trip longer, get us there eventually, but for 50% less money. Hm, yes. When you want to get out of something, that is when you get what you deserve. The regional ticket was not only regional, but it can be a day or a night regional ticket. The daily version is valid from 7am to 6pm. We took an early train, at 6.30am, and therefore I got us the night tickets, unknowingly. They were valid for an entirety of 30 minutes. After that a daily regional ticket was valid, one which we did not have. Buying both a daily and night regional ticket would cost us the same as getting a normal inter-city train ticket. Discount, my ass! Yes, it was me, guilty! I got us the wrong ticket. I am a foreigner pretending to know German. Katina told me many a time: Why don’t you use the ticket website in English? I don’t want to! ‘Cos I live in Germany, pretending to know the language well enough. Actually, I do not, obviously. I am just guessing.

When it was after 7am, the ticket man informed us of the invalidity of the ticket we had and offered to charge us an extra two thirds of the already purchased ticket. We said okay. But. We could not pay with our cards on the train, with neither the Croatian nor German one. Why? Because the Universe decided to have fun. We were kindly asked to get off on the next stop, walk 500m in the dark, in the snow, dragging along suitcases, until we got to a cash machine. The machine, along with God’s providence, gave us money we did not have. Yay! We got ourselves some new tickets, that cost more than what the man offered on the train and boarded the next train, thinking we had enough time to catch the flight. No problem.

EPIC JOURNEY: PLANE

We arrived to the airport, went to the check-in, and reached the counter 38 minutes before lift-off. We needed to check in a suitcase (that is yet another long story, how the unwanted suitcase travelled with us, and the same serving us well on the way back, where we stored some nice Croatian goodies). The lady did not check us in, but explained that we needed to go to another counter. In that moment, I naively believed the other counter would be helpful, yet at the same time realising what she had just said, how we could not board the plane.

Considering I was in a bit of a delicate emotional state from all the screaming from the previous night, I started to weep. By the time we had shown our faces on the other counter, I was fully crying. The man had told us none of the two could board any longer, not only because of the suitcase, but the gate was no longer accessible to us. The next flight was 500€ per person, and the one that was leaving the next day, was only 100€ per person. We got the tickets for 35€ to begin with. Moving away from the counter, I just lost it. My thoughts jumping onto what more horrors might be waiting for us now, considering we were travelling on a low budget, considering it was the end of the month, and the paycheck a couple of days away, and as we had all the tickets already bought. Which we no longer had. Just that we don’t have to go back to the Ashram, we are already on holiday after all!

EPIC JOURNEY: BUS

While I kept weeping, Katina got a hold of things and found us a bus that was leaving directly from the airport to Zagreb, in two hours. It did not cost so much. In that moment we failed to get the bus tickets online and went to the bus tickets office. The tickets cost 25% more, and cannot be bought with the only card we still had cash on. We bought the tickets with my card this time, and it went into a minus (?).

OK, so now we have a new ticket. We had time to eat and the time we were already supposed to be landing in the city of Zagreb is just passing by. 12 hours later, we are at our destination. Our cards are maxed out, shaken from the bus and full of dry food we had to buy at the (expensive) airport shop for the rest of a now one-day trip. A truly epic journey. I could say that because of the epicness (I know this is not a word) of the trip and all the challenges we faced, I can kind of assume how Frodo felt while going into Mordor. Let us not assume only the negative, but let us remember a few nice things as well: our cards served us well, even though we were kind of broke, we had a bus going directly from the airport, and everyone was really kind and understanding with us. So were our lovely ladies and hosts, waiting for us in one of our many homes, like Cinderella, coming home at midnight.

ZAGREB CITY

The first week was dedicated to going around with excellent & dear people. The hangouts were inspirational, emotional and full of news. It is nice to be home… I am starting to love Zagreb in a new way. After I have taken advantage of it, then resisted it, to brutally dump it and then tried to ignore it for years. Now all those crappy things are forgotten and only the most valuable items are left in it for me. Almost like an ex, with whom, after a certain time, if both want to, all the crappy feelings are forgotten and only the pure, clear and good ones stay. Each and every meeting was actually really beautiful! Even the one that happened in a hospital, and caught us all off guard, but I think everyone coped quite well.

Sisters, missing 1/Sestre, bez jedne

OUTING

The main reason we went to Zagreb for, at the end of January, is a festival. A (t)rap regional winter festival. This year in an even less smoky club (the club of my former wild youth), we knew what to expect, in terms of noise and craziness. All together it was far less wild than “in my time”: everyone would be brutally wasted already at 6pm, and by 11pm would be on the floor. We had a healthy energy drink, that was more of a joke than an upper. The rest of the evening we had water, like all really boring straight edge girls/ladies/women.  

THE HIGHLIGHT

The main mission of this festival was to get a treat for our darling Krešo, who we have known for a million years, cross my heart. The first idea was to throw rose petals at the stage, but the prospect of having to carry the petals into a club and have them there for a couple of hours, I was doubtful if they would stay fresh, and it was not so convenient to be throwing them from below to the stage – would it really have any effect? So there was a change of plan. We’re going to get our boy Krešo a chocolate. Not any chocolate, though. A white bio-chocolate with poppy seeds for him and one for his colleague, with exotic fruits. So, how shall we deliver the chocolate? We were trying to figure something out, and several ideas failed, so we got a little weary.

We decided to take a seat and let everything go for a moment. How it so often happens: enlightenment is a split second away. Katina got her phone out and a scene flashed across, something that Krešo had posted one hour earlier. That same moment, I was looking at her screen feeling we failed. I suddenly realised the location from where the image was taken, abruptly stood up and turned around, just to realise he, Krešo Bengalka, was just there, a few meters away from us. We practically ran towards him, and he waited for us with opened arms: “Let me give you a hug!”. We gifted him the chocolates and said it was late, and left.

That moment you let go, it comes galloping towards you.

Gordana & Katina, in front of the festival poster/Gordana i Katina ispred festivalskog posters

SWEET HOME

Katina and I have many homes. I would call it nomadic farming, where we are the sheep. After Zagreb we went to Rijeka, where our dearest mommy lives for quite some years, even though this is not her original home (and that is a completely different story). Just next to Rijeka, a little further along the coast, you will find Lovran, where our eldest sister lives with her family. A couple of days on the seaside. It was less important that it had rained for a bit, and that it was windy, because those few hours in the sun, sitting on the pier listening to the sea and reading a book, overshadowed everything else. Both Rijeka and Lovran, our second and third homes, took us in for a short and sweet while. The time spent “home” is the sweetest. And our little nephew! Uninterrupted joy…

FINAL EVENING

Coming back, we passed through Zagreb again, shortly, and finished our holidays in a very nice evening spent with people somewhat younger than us, but only a little difference was felt. I thought again how Katina and I have been quite gangsta when we were younger.

Band Zmajari, at Booksa, Zagreb/Bend Zmajari u Booksi, Zagreb

BACK TO REALITY

Coming back home from home, I went to see my doctor, to check if there was any news about a blood test I did just before leaving, ten days ago, as I was previously lying in bed for quite some time. There was news! The news was that my iron is so low that everyone is still wondering how I was still walking, let alone working, travelling and doing yoga.

That is what happens when you meditate. Your iron drops to levels when people are usually hospitalised, but you keep working, travelling and living, with feeling just a bit tired. Except the occasional aggressive-hysterical fits, but all good otherwise.

I’m joking a bit here, as my health was generally not so good lately, and it is clearer now how it escalated with the drop of iron in the blood, in spite of all my, sometimes more and sometimes, efforts to keep my health in a good place.

Quite incredible how everything changes with changing perspective. How very worried I was about my health and how much I had forced myself to exercise more, then getting overly tired, and judging myself for being lazy. I hope to have more strength with my iron levels going up, and feel more energetic, and finally be physically more active, what I have been wishing for so much. Ah, always more, stronger, never satisfied. What to do. It’s just who I am.

FUCK IT, IT’S JUST GORDANA

What is always left in the end: love. Everything begins and ends with love, right? Usually when we fall in love, it is no ordinary infatuation, rather a complete obsession. It is lovely to be in love, but the obsession is so tiresome, the thoughts that do not leave me, and the intensity of the emotions that just gets more intense, is quite difficult to handle. It wears me out completely, in a way I wish I was never in love. Like with some sort of drug, a complete intoxication and craziness. I completely divide myself from me and become a maniac.

As I thought quite a lot about my recent hysterical behaviour, I remembered how people used to call me “hysterical” when I was a kid. There was this guy in our neighbourhood that used to tease me a lot, I hated his guts. He had horse teeth and a terrible voice and he made fun of me restlessly, and I just kept screaming at him. He loved it a lot, he would then annoy me even more, I guess he thought it was fun how easy it was to disturb me.

HYPER-WOMAN

When I think about it now, I think it would be called ADHD or hyperactivity or social inadequacy nowadays. Then I grew a bit older and learned I should not allow myself to be like that, that it was not exactly nice to behave in that way. Then I became even more self-centered through spirituality, and I became proud of my ability to successfully snuff out my “hysterical” nature. What goes around, comes around, so did this. I have a feeling the hysteria never did leave me, but was suppressed. As I have started to feel more free in expression recently, what was suppressed seems to be really wanting to come out.

I often feel like a real lunatic, and wonder about should I be repairing myself and be a better person? I conclude that there is not much to be repaired, and if I do not allow myself to fully be who I am, a few years from now I would be even more of a wreck. I always wish to be a better person, but if I try too hard, I think the naturalness disappears.

I am not denying my behaviour is completely unacceptable at times, in moments and minutes, yet if I extremely and systematically attempt to suffocate myself, it will not be well.

To go back to love. I think the hysteria must be a hormonal imbalance, and that it occurs when I fall in love. I wanted to share with you all that I am much better now. Every time it is a little better. A little calmer, I wait longer and make somewhat less drama. It has been more than two years from my last, obviously unsuccessful, relationship. It seems to have passed quickly. Strange! Me, alone, is it possible? Not that I was not in love for so long, but it was more of the one that drives me insane and makes me tired.

Not much has changed for some time, everything around me seems to be stable, except me, because I’m a crazy one. But a dear kind of crazy, so people can easily put up with me.

Reading a book in the sunshine/Čitanje knjige na sunčeku

Just a little longer and we’re at the end. I hope it was worth it to read five pages of ranting. At the end, two conclusions: When the time has come, then it has come, it is already here and there is no need to wait any longer.

And the second one goes like this: If you push it, my dear, you will not reach anywhere. The only thing you can do is to wait. From time to time you can always come back to those painful points, and see again and again that what you want to look at the most is the most important thing. Only then there is some progress. Everything else is a big fat self-deceit.

I’ve been listening to German music. Amongst others, AnnenMayKanteriet. My ears are on fire. Long live the German language! Long live you guys! And Long live me, good riddance.

P.S. I am preparing some good surprises, are you ready for it?

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HRVATSKA VERZIJA TU!

More, Lovran/Seaside, Lovran

6-MJESEČNA KRIZA

U prosjeku svakih šest mjeseci imam egzistencijalnu krizu, kada propitujem sve što radim u smislu lokacije gdje živim, plaće, radne atmosfere i posla, ljubavi, prijateljstava, i u smislu sebe same. Ovaj put je trajalo kraće i bilo je manje drame. Ili?          

Nakon malog prosvjetljenja, došlo je crnilo. Sipino crnilo. Sipe su tako lijepe životinje. A crnilo im je mo��no, nema šta, u oko!

Najjasnija slika u mom umu je impresija potpunog gubitka svijesti. Usta se otvaraju, izgovaraju riječi. Eh, kada bi riječi bile samo izgovorene, ne, bile su izderane iz dubine duše, parale su grlo. Koliko su parale moje grlo, mora da su kidale njeno srce.

Nevažna je situacija, nevažni su akteri, nevažno je sve, osim dubokog ožiljka. U mom srcu i pretpostavljam u drugom također. Totalno verbalno nasilje. Nisam savladala prvu Yamu, od Yoga Patanjali Sutri: nenasilje. Niti je u meni bilo nenasilje, niti ga je bilo u mojoj prisutnosti. Upravo je bilo obrnuto.

LUDILO OD LUDILA

Ako je ovo cvjetanje, čudno se očituje. Cvjetanje cjelovite ličnosti popločano je crnim opekama. Ima da mi je iz dubine duše izašao crni mrak. Bit' duhovan kao znači bit' fin. Ali ako sam ja u zadnje vrijeme fina, onda je zemlja ravna. Što bi mi išlo u prilog da vjerujem u teoriju zemlje kao ravne ploče.  

Sve više shvaćam da se nenasilje događa samo od sebe, kao i nasilje. Postoji neki određeni efekt samokontrole, ali brate nekad ga nema ni trunke. Kad pomisliš da te 14 godina meditiranja dovelo negdje, tad se tek najgadnije prevariš. Svaki pokušaj smještanja svoje ličnosti i tijela u neki kalup, rezultira tako da te posebno tada nanjuši to nešto u prirodi, i kaže: e, nećeš! Svaki pokušaj kreiranja neke vječne uljuljkane sigurnosti, povlači ti tepih ispod nogu i vikne: Ne može!

PRAZNICI

Nakon 4 mjeseca u Ashramu – praznici! Ovaj put sam se sa sestrom dogovorila da ćemo ići na malo duže i da nećemo previše bauljati okolo po Hrvatskoj. Triba se odmorit.

EPSKO PUTOVANJE: VLAK

Neki od vas su već čuli cijelu priču, pa se ispričavam na ponavljanju. Također, ako nemaš vremena, tu se zaustavi, ovaj blog bi mogao potrajati. Trebam početi pisati koliko minuta je potrebno da se pročita tekst, plus ključne riječi, kao kombinacija znanstvenog članka i online članka. Šta kažeš?

Dakle, epsko putovanje je započelo kupnjom karata do aerodroma. Karte sam kupila na inače neuobičajen način, vodeći se vječno malim budžetom: uzela sam regionalne karte koje će nas nekim sporednim vlakovima dovesti na odredište u malo više vremena, ali za 50% manje novaca. Hm, da. Kad se želiš izvući, dobiješ po nosu. Naime, regionalna karta nije samo regionalna, već može biti dnevna ili noćna. Dnevna vrijedi od 7:00 ujutro do 6:00 popodne. Mi smo kretale s vlakom u 6:30 ujutro, te sam ja pametna kupila no��ne regionalne karte, koje su nam vrijedile pola sata, od 6:30 do 7:00. Nakon toga je vrijedila dnevna regionalna karta, a kupnja dnevne i noćne regionalne karte koštala bi isto kao da smo kupile normalnu kartu s brzim vlakovima. Kao popust! Jesam, da, kriva sam. Kupila sam krivu kartu. Strankinja sam, pravim se da znam njemački. Katina mi je nemalo puta rekla: Zašto ne staviš website za kupnju karata na engleski? Neću! Jer živim u Njemačkoj i pravim se da znam jezik dovoljno dobro. Zapravo ne znam, očito. Samo nabadam.

Kada je prošlo 7:00 sati, kondukter nas je obavijestio o kupnji krive karte, i zamolio nas da nadoplatimo u visini od 2/3 karte već kupljene karte. Rekle smo: okej, šta sad. Međutim, u vlaku nismo mogle platiti svojom karticom, ni njemačkom ni hrvatskom. Zašto? Jer se Svemir odlučio zabaviti. Zamoljene smo bile izaći na sljedećoj stanici, otklipsati 500m po snijegu i mraku (s koferima!) do prvog bankomata. Gdje smo, uz božju providnost, dignule novce s kartice na kojoj nemamo novaca. Jupi! Kupile nove karte, koje su bile još skuplje od nadoplate u vlaku i sjele na idući vlak, misleći kako imamo dovoljno vremena do aviona. Nije problem.

EPSKO PUTOVANJE: AVION

Stigle na aerodrom, otišle na check-in, i došle na šalter 38 minuta prije polaska aviona. Morale smo čekirati kofer (to je sasvim jedna druga priča, kako je taj neželjeni kofer putovao s nama, a isti kasnije poslužio da donesemo u Njemačku hrvatske poslastice). Teta nam nije čekirala kofer, nego nas je uputila na neki drugi šalter. Ja sam u tom trenutku naivno pomislila kako će nam primiti neželjeni kofer na drugom šalteru. Na putu do tog drugog šaltera mi se izvrtilo u glavi sve što je žena rekla, i shvatila sam da je zapravo rekla da ne možemo na avion.

S obzirom da sam bila u poprilično delikatnom stanju od sinoćnje deračine koju sam priuštila nekolicini najbliskijih, počela sam plakati. Dok smo bili na drugom šalteru, plakala sam kao kišna godina. Čovjek nam je rekao da ne možemo na avion, i da više ni jedna od nas ne stigne, jer nije samo do kofera, ne može nas više pustiti na gate. Sljedeći avion koštao je 500€ po osobi, ili onaj drugi sutradan, samo 100€ po osobi. Karte smo originalno kupile za 35€. Odmaknule smo se od šaltera, bila sam oduzeta. Misli su mi mahnito išle u smjerovima drugih užasa koji nas sada čekaju, a hvala bogu, putujemo bez previše para, jer je plaća za koji dan, i zato jer imamo karte u džepu. Koje sada više nemamo. Samo da se ne moramo vratiti u Ashram, ipak smo već na praznicima!

EPSKO PUTOVANJE: BUS

Dok sam ja slinila, Katina se sabrala i našla nam autobus koji ide ravno s aerodroma do Zagreba, kreće za 2 sata. I ne košta abnormalno puno. U tom trenutku nam ne uspijeva kupiti karte online, pa idemo do šaltera za buseve. Karta košta 25% više, i naravno da se ne može kupiti karticom na kojoj jedinoj imamo još novaca (pitanje da li dovoljno u ovom trenutku?). Kupujemo kartu mojom karticom koja iz i dalje nepoznatih razloga odlazi u minus.

Okej, imamo novu kartu. Imamo vremena za jelo i upravo prolazi vrijeme kada smo već trebale sretno sletjeti u Bijeli Zagreb Grad. Na odredištu smo samo 12 sati kasnije. Kartice u minusima, izljuljane od busa, najedene suhe hrane koju smo neplanirano morale kupovati na aerodromu. Stvarno epsko putovanje. Mogu reći da se zbog osjećaja vječnog putovanja i prepreka mogu reći da mogu pretpostaviti kako se osjećao Frodo dok je klipsao prema Mordoru.

Nemojmo pretpostaviti samo negativno, nego se sjetimo i par lijepih stvari: kartice su nam radile, iako nismo imale novaca, busa je bilo direktno s aerodroma, i svi su zapravo bili ljubazni i strpljivi. I naše domaćinke, u još jednom od naših domova, su nas dočekale kao pepeljugu u ponoć.

ZEGE

Prvi tjedan je bio posvećen bauljanju i druženju s odličnim i dragim ljudima. Susreti su bili mahom inspirativni, emotivni i puni novosti. Lijepo je doći kući… Opet počinjem voljeti Zagreb na neki nov način, nakon što sam ga iskorištavala, zatim bila prema njemu u otporu, zatim ga brutalno ostavila i trudila se ignorirati godinama. Sada je sve ono šugavo zaboravljeno, i ostale su samo najvrijednije stvari. Poput bivšeg partnera s kojim se nakon nekog određenog vremena, ako to oboje želite, zaborave sve šugave emocije i ostanu samo one čiste, jasne i dobre. Svaki susret je u stvari bio prelijep! Čak i onaj u bolnici, koji nas je sve uhvatio nespremne, ali mislim da smo se svi dobro snašli.

PROVOD

I da, naravno, praktički prvi razlog zbog kojeg smo i otišle u Zagreb krajem siječnja, je festival. (T)rap regionalni zimski festival. Ove godine u još manje zadimljenom klubu (inače klubu moje raskalašene mladosti), već pripremljene na što nas čeka u obliku buke, ludila. Sve skupa puno blaže nego „u naše doba“, kad su svi bili brutalno i vidno zgaženi već u 6 popodne, a do 11 već padali po podu. Popile smo neki zdravi energy drink, koji je zapravo bio više kao neka šala, nisam primjetila da je nešto posebno djelovao. Ostatak vremena smo pile vodu, kao prave dosadne straighterice.

HIGHLIGHT (REFLEKTOR JE PAO NA…)

Najvažniji zadatak ovog festivala je bio počastiti našeg dragog Krešu, s kojim se znamo sto miljona godina, majkemi. Prvobitni plan je bio bacati ružine latice na pozornicu, ali u vrućem klubu nije baš djelovalo da će cvijeće izdržati, i nije bilo sigurno kako će te latice letjeti odozdola, iz publike, njemu gore na pozornicu. Zato smo promijenile plan. Kupit ćemo mi našem Kreši čokoladu. E, ali ne bilo kakvu čokoladu. Bijelu bio-čokoladu s makom, a njegovom kolegi s egzotičnim voćem. I? Kako da dostavimo čoksu? Petljale smo ovamo i onamo, pokušavale se nekako domisliti kako da mu damo poklon, i na kraju se smorile.

Odlučile smo sjesti i pustiti na tren sve kvragu, i kako to obično biva: sekunda je do prosvjetljenja. Katina je upalila mobitel, na njemu je izašao kadar kojeg je Krešo snimio sat vremena ranije, i tog trena, gledajući u njen mobitel, već razočarano kako nam plan nije uspio, shvatila sam iz kojeg kuta je snimka uhvaćena, digla se kao furija, okrenula se, et voilà: Krešo Bengalka par metara iza nas. Maltene smo potrčale prema njemu, a on nas otvorenih ruku dočekao: „Da vas zagrlim!“. Poklonile smo mu čoksicu, rekle da nam je kasno i lijepo se pozdravile.

Tog trena kad pustiš, dođe ti u skokovima.

DOME SLATKI

Katina i ja imamo mnogo domova. Ja bih to nazvala nomadskim stočarenjem, u kojem smo mi ovce. Nakon Zagreba smo se zaputile u Rijeku, gdje nam živi najdraža mamica, već dugi niz godina, iako nije iz Rijeke (to je sasvim opet neka druga priča). Odmah do Rijeke, malo dalje po obali i eto ga: Lovran, gdje nam živi najstarija seka sa svojom obitelji. Par dana uz more. I nije bilo važno što je kiša padala, i vjetar puhao, jer onih par sati na suncu, sjedeći na mulu, uz more, čitajući knjigu, je zasjenilo sve drugo. I Rijeka i Lovran, naši svojevrsni drugi, treći domovi, ugostili su nas kratko i slatko. Vrijeme provedeno 'doma' je najslađe. I mali nećak! Neprestano veselje…

Pogled na Rijeku/Rijeka city view

ZADNJA VEČER

Na povratku smo prošle kroz Zagreb i završile praznike u baš ugodnoj večeri s malo mlađima od sebe, ali skoro da i nije bilo razlike. Opet sam razmišljala o tome kako smo Katina i ja baš bile mnogo gangsta kao mlade.  

POVRATAK U STVARNOST

Po povratku sam se zaletjela do doktorice da vidim ima li kakvih vijesti vezanih uz nalaz krvi, jer sam prije praznika ležala u krevetu par tjedana. I bilo je vijesti! Vijesti su da mi je željezo u krvi toliko nisko, da se svi još uvijek pitaju kako to da još hodam, a kamoli da radim, putujem i vježbam yogu.

Tako ti je to kad meditiraš. Željezo ti je na razini kad su ljudi obično spremni za hospitalizaciju, ali neka, ti radiš, putuješ, živiš, i kao malo si umorna. Osim što povremeno imaš agresivno-histerične napade, ali sve je to okej.

Malo se šalim, nije baš sasvim tako. Zdravlje mi općenito nije baš bilo na nekoj zavidnoj razini u zadnje vrijeme, i sad mi je jasno kako je to sve eskaliralo padom željeza, unatoč mom nekad većem, nekad manjem trudu da se tijelo sredi.

Nevjerojatno kako se sve mijenja s promjenom perspektive. Koliko sam samo bila zabrinuta za zdravlje, koliko sam se forsirala da više vježbam, pa bila umorna, pa se grizla što sam lijena. Čudo koliko energije imam s obzirom na to zdravstveno stanje. Nadam se da ću kad mi se željezo malo podigne, osjećati još više energije, i napokon početi fizički biti onoliko aktivna koliko već duže vremena želim. Eh, uvijek više, jače, bolje, nikad zadovoljna. A šta ćeš. Taka sam ti.

PA TO JE, JEBI GA, GORDANA

I za kraj, ljubav. Sve počinje i završava s ljubavlju, zar ne? Obično kad se zaljubim, to nije obična zaljubljenost, već potpuna opsjednutost. Lijepo je biti zaljubljen, ali opsesivnost koja me obuzme, misli koje ne prestaju šibati i intenzitet emocija koji ne jenjava, je strašno. Izrazito iscrpljujuće, toliko da poželim da se nikad nisam zaljubila. Poput kakve droge, potpuna opijenost i ludilo. Potpuno se odvojim od sebe i postajem manijak. Kako sam dosta razmišljala o svojim nedavnim histeričnim napadima, sjetila sam se kako su me kao malu uvijek nazivali „histeričnom“. Imala sam tog lika u kvartu koji me konstantno zezao, mrzila sam ga. Imao je konjske zube i grozan glas, stalno mi se rugao, a ja sam samo vrištala na njega. To mu je bilo posebno milo, onda bi me izluđivao još više, valjda mu je to bilo zabavno koliko me lako bilo potpuno izbaciti iz takta.

HIPER-ŽENA

Sad kad razmišljam, danas bi se takvo ponašanje zvalo ADHD ili hiperaktivnost ili socijalna osjetljivost ili šta ja znam više kako se to sve zove danas. Onda sam malo porasla, pa sam naučila da se to ne smije baš tako i da nije lijepo. Onda sam se još malo napuhala kroz duhovnost, i bila ponosna na svoje uspješno zatomljivanje svoje „histerične“ prirode. Sve se vraća, sve se plaća, pa tako i to. Imam osjećaj da ta histerija nikada nije nestalo, nego je bila potisnuta, a kako se u zadnje vrijeme osjećam nekako sve slobodnije u izričaju, sve to što je bilo potisnuto odjednom je navalilo da izađe. Tako se često osjećam kao još veći luđak, i pitam se trebam li se popraviti i biti bolja osoba? Zaključujem da se nema što popraviti, i da ako si ne dopustim da budem ono što jesam, za par godina ću biti u istom sosu kao i sada. Uvijek želim biti bolja osoba, ali ako se previše trudim, mislim da prirodnost nestaje.

Ne niječem da mi je ponašanje neprihvatljivo na trenutke, i minute, ali ako budem ekstremno i sistematski pokušavala samu sebe ugušiti, neće biti dobro.

Da se vratimo na ljubav, mislim da je ta histerija neki hormonalni poremećaj, i da se takva ista pojavljuje kad se zaljubim. Htjela sam s vama podijeliti kako sam puno bolja sada! Svaki put sve bolja. Smirenija, čekam i ne dramim. Prošlo je više od dvije godine od moje posljednje, očito neuspjele, veze, i čini mi se da je brzo prošlo. Čudno! Ja sama, jel' to moguće? Nije da mi je falilo zaljubljenosti, ali više je bilo one umarajuće, pa ni nije bilo toliko fino.

I ništa se nije promijenilo već neko vrijeme, sve je stabilno u mom okruženju, osim mene, jer sam ja jedna luda. Ali draga luda, pa me se lako podnosi.

Još sam malo i pri kraju smo. Valjda je vrijedilo čitati pet strana trabunjanja. Za kraj dva zaključka: Kad dođe vrijeme, onda je došlo, onda je već tu i ne mora ga se više čekati. I drugi je genijalan, samo tren, evo, samo što nije…

Drugi ide ovako: Ako guraš, brate, nema nigdje. Jedino što možeš je čekati. I s vremena na vrijeme se uvijek vraćati na one najbolnije točke, uvidjeti ponovno i ponovno da je ono što najmanje želiš pogledati, najvažnije. Jedino tada ima pomaka. Sve drugo je debelo, masno samozavaravanje.

Slušam njemačku glazbu, pogotovo AnnenMayKanteriet. Izgoriše mi uši od njih. Živio njemački! Živili Vi! Živila i ja, sretno mi bilo.

P.S. Spremam baš dobra iznenađenja, jesi li ready?

Letenje iznad Schwarzwalda/Flying above Schwarzwald