#WHY DID I CHOOSE FIELD THAT REQUIRES SHIT TON OF IT????

[i-have-insane-that-i-am-paper]

I AM VERY PROUD OF MYSELF.

So.

I have exam tomorrow. I should have started preparing two-three months ago buuut.... Well my procrastinating ass decided to stall and was left with only month time to do it. I had 1000 pages of text to memorize. AND I DID IT.

Somehow...

Idk and idc how. BUT I DID IT.

Now only thing left is to actually hold my brain together for more than five seconds and pass!

[queers-gambit]

Now and at the Hour of His Death

prompt: any who say, "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," were never loved by him.

pairing: Osferth x female!pregnant!wife!reader

fandom: The Last Kingdom

word count: 6.1k+

note: fuck you, Netflix.

warnings: you already know - author needs therapy, projects hard, pregnant wife, Lord’s name in vain, Christianity (obviously), and a fuck ton of fucking ANGST because fuck your feelings. hurt NO comfort, drama, oneshot, cursing, canon-typical violence, injury, and blood. character death and spoilers - yeah, i'm giving you THAT scene. requires maturity and caution. good luck.

also please note: NO, i do not age Osferth to be 16 - that's just a reference age for when he eventually runs away from the monastery.

again, you are missing nothing if this upsets or triggers you and you choose to skip. value your wellbeing, my angels. author is not responsible for the media YOU choose consume, but still, as usual, MDNI

"You should not be doing this sort of work," Ingrith's voice scolded you, and when you turned, you saw the blonde woman standing with her hip cocked and a stern expression. "It's bad for your health to be in such filth, we've stable boys for this sort of chore."

"I do not mind," you sniffled in the brisk air, shoveling the horse shit of the stable into a muck bucket to be dumped into the fields later. "It keeps me busy," you grunted lightly, sure to bend your knees when lifting the pitchfork, "keeps me humble," you listed, dumping the waste to grin at your friend, "and keeps me young."

"In what way?"

"Reminds me of my childhood," you eased, continuing your work. "I slept in a stable from the ages of 4 to... Oh, shit, I guess I was about 16 before I left The Loft."

"What?" She breathed in confusion. "Never knew that."

"Yeah, yeah, true story," you beamed at her, still shoveling shit. "I slept in the stalls with the horses, sometimes in the grain rooms - basically anywhere I could since my work didn't include official room and board, so, I had to make do with what was available. Then, one day when I was about ten, Old Man Rivers said I could use the hay loft if I cleared it out, fixed the rotten planks. Stayed up there till I was about 16, and after that, I kinda ran away."

"Old Man Rivers?"

You nodded, "My mother lived on his homestead, but she was real sick, you see. So, he kinda took me in without assuming responsibility for me," you cleared your throat, shrugging, "let me stay in his barn if I worked with the horses and livestock for him."

"Why would you want to be reminded of that?"

"Seems simpler when I look back."

Ingrith sighed, "C'mon, put the pitchfork down. Come help me prepare the rabbits. The scouts say the men aren't too far off, they'll want a hot meal."

You chuckled with ease and set your pitchfork aside, giving a hearty pat to one of the horse's necks as you passed by to exit the stable. Ingrith made sure you washed up before you were both mounting rabbits on the rack to start skinning them.

"Could I ask something?" She wondered after a time.

"Anything you'd like."

"Why'd you run away? From Old Man Rivers?"

You laughed, "I was in love."

"Oh, you and Baby Monk go that far back, huh?"

"Try even farther," you teased. "Our mothers were friends, and when I worked in the stable, he was in the monastery, but when he came to me, saying he couldn't do it any longer, I couldn't let him go alone. Life was supposed to offer more than what we were given, so, we set out to find the legendary barbarian, The Dane Slayer," you teased, both giggling, "our Lord, the legendary, Uhtred of Bebbanburg."

"And all this time...?" She smiled, watching you shuck hide like you've done it your whole life. Ingrith inferred you probably did.

"Yeah," you eased, "all this time, he's been by my side. Kept me close, never left me behind. The others weren't too sure about me on account of being a woman, they told us to piss off a few times - but they came around after Osferth refused to send me away."

"He's a good lad, Osferth," she nodded.

"Arguably one of the best ones," you agreed, nudging her arm gently, "but look who I'm telling, right?"

"Oh!" She giggled, swatting at you loosely before going back to your work for a moment. Suddenly, the townspeople of Rumcofa stirred to life, and over the voices, you heard them announcing their Lord's return - which meant all of your men were home. You both grinned and breathlessly left your post, Ingrith pausing a young lad to ask, "How many return to us?"

"Does it matter? Come, c'mon, let us see ourselves!" You all but squealed, overwhelmed with excitment; eager for your own reunion with the man you've loved since you were a young lass.

"Warn the alehouse!" Finan was heard shouting. "Osferth's thirsty!"

"Jesus," you laughed, dodging around the procession of people waiting to greet their warriors on their return home so you could approach the white gelding your husband rode.

His face was absolutely priceless when he caught sight of you. As Osferth eagerly dismounted, your hands smoothed over the small swell of your belly - purposefully wearing a dress that accentuated your ever-changing figure. "Am I dreaming?" He laughed, a stablehand taking hold of his horse so his hands were free to caress your belly. "Oh, my God, I'm not, 's real, oh, God," he beamed, laughing with you. "You're pregnant? Truly? Yes? I-I am not - I am not being deceived?"

"No, my love, I guess our prayers were finally heard."

"OH-HOOOO!" You heard Finan holler as Osferth finally pulled you in for a sweet kiss; both ignoring the Irishman. "Lord! LORD! Uhtred! Hey! Did you hear!? Baby Monk's got some spunk in 'im afta all!"

"Oh, God," you laughed against Osferth's lips, but he was quick to shush you with another breath-stealing kiss.

"A baby Baby Monk! AHA!" Finan was still laughing, your husband's hands caressing both your cheeks when he pulled back just in time for Finan to descend. You grunted lightly when his heavy arms dropped over both yours and Osferth's shoulders, his laugh still booming as he gave a squeeze and cooed, "Oh, congratulations, yah two love birds! Wasn't sure you had it innyah, boy!"

"Don't be so rough with her, Finan, for God's sake," Osferth scolded, nudging his friend to get out from under his arm.

"What?" Finan looked at you gobsmacked. "Sayin' I gotta treat yah different now or somethin'?"

"I didn't say that," you told him prettily with fluttering lashes, fist quickly balling up to jab him in the weak spot of his armor - making him grunt and wheeze. "Aht-aht!" You warned with a pointed finger when he flinched as if to retaliate, "Can't hit a pregnant woman."

"Oh, yeh li'l shite," Finan laughed, Osferth pushing him towards his wife so he could stand in front of you and command all attention.

Osferth took a moment to simply look at you; thumbs gently tracing over your cheeks in sweeping motions, a slow grin breaking across his lips. "This almost doesn't feel real... But how I have to praise God for this blessing. A baby," he breathed.

"A little you and me," you agreed softly. "Sound okay to you?"

"More than okay," he chuckled, pecking your lips, "sounds like a lifetime together."

"Good by me." His nose nuzzled up yours, the sweet moment broken when he sighed sadly; eyes shut and smile dropping. "What is it? What's wrong, love?" You asked, stepping into his embrace so you were nuzzled into his neck and his arms were wrapped around your form in a vice.

"Uhtred means to move us again," he whispered in your ear. "Brida, she... She's got Father Pyrlig, and - "

"What!?" You snapped, rearing back slightly to pin him under your hardened glare. Pregnancy hormones would surely give Osferth whiplash.

"My love, I did not - "

"Brida's got Pyrlig? Fuck are we standin' here for, let's go!" You reached for his hand, ready to march off.

"Uh, no, no, no, no," he pulled you back to him; anchoring his hands on your hips so you could not escape. "You are not going anywhere. Not now - especially now," he glanced at your still-growing bump. "The men will go, you know we will return, but you have this new responsibility, and that's keeping this little one safe. For us," he smiled at you.

You huffed, "I'm not unfit to do what needs done, Osferth."

"I did not say you were unfit, but look at the timing of it," he frowned. "I should've been here when you learned, but I was not, and I am truly so sorry for it. Look, I do not know how long this venture will be, but you know I will return. We've waited for our family for far too long, I will not jeopardize this - so I will return. If you go with us, and something were to happen," he shook his head, "my angel, I would never forgive myself. So I need you to stay here, stay safe, if for nothing else but for me."

"But Pyrlig - "

"Will be saved," he assured.

"And Brida - "

"Will be dealt with," he eased, chuckling lightly. "My angel, you worry too much about everyone and yet never about yourself."

You pouted, "Well, why is it just me meant to stay back? This is your child, too, Osferth, and should have the right to meet them! You can't always control what happens, accidents are real, what if you don't return - "

"Don't think like that - "

"But it's a real threat to us - "

He agreed, "Of course, but - "

"Yeah, I know," you nodded, cutting him off, "we serve Lord Uhtred. This comes first, and I'm not - "

"I've made a vow to him."

"You made one to me, too, you know."

"Angel, please, don't do this. Do not ask me to choose," he begged with a frown, and you caved.

So, with a sigh, you nuzzled into his embrace and relented, "All right, yes, fine, go after Brida and Pyrlig. And when you find them, tell him I am waiting for his safe return, he is dearly missed. Ideally, I'd have him birth our child."

"Of course," he breathed, finding a small reprieve of relief that you did not fight him further about leaving - about choosing which vow to fulfill: the one to his Lord Uhtred or the one to his wife.

Both made to God.

Luckily, Osferth married his best friend and you were never one to pick fights with him. You liked the harmony you had; the peaceful environment you had both cultivated to preserve the trust and love you built through the years. He was genuinely one of a kind; a man who walked many lines between faith, humanity, right, wrong. He was the voice of reason, constantly striving to do better than he did before, learning all he could as if a rag soaking in water. For all he was, Osferth has always been enough for you, and for that reason alone, you never felt the need to argue.

To fight. To voice contempt.

"Question," you perked up, smirking at him as your pregnancy symptoms ran a little wild, "think we've time to, you know, really give our thanks?"

"Angel - "

"What?" You grinned. "You fucked me on the alter all those weeks ago and look - your seed stuck. We might as well go give thanks in the same manner, just to really show God how thankful we are for this blessing he's given us."

"Think the Devil's gotten into you," he laughed.

"Or your child is ruining my hormones," you countered, his lips meeting yours in another passionate display of his excitement.

"C'mon," he whispered, taking your hand, and leading you to the chapel - thinking you were being sneaky, but your matching giggles made Ingrith and Finan beam at each other.

"He does know she can't get more pregnant, right?" Finan teased, flinching when Ingrith smacked his upper arm.

"WHY!?"

"My angel, please - "

"What the fuck is going on, Osferth!?"

"I'm trying to explain - "

"The Queen? The fucking Queen is dead in our village! How can that possibly be explained!?" When Osferth didn't answer, just sat in the wooden chair before the shared hearth of your humble home, you snapped, "Well!?"

"Are you finished? May I speak now?"

With a huff, you nodded and gestured for him to speak; arms crossing around your swollen tits. He explained to you the reason for Haesten's arrival, the wagon his men toted, and why he brought the Queen's dead body to the settlement of Rumcofa. He told you Haesten wanted to keep the peace when King Edward found out, claiming Uhtred's son-in-law, Stiorra's husband, Sigtryggr, had ordered this death - thinking war would surely roll over his lands.

You never knew Haesten to be a generous man, nor much of an honest one, but it seemed the severity of the situation made everyone eerily on-edge. Uhtred dispatched his men; leaving Finan and Osferth in the village with you, developing a plan that would save both Saxon and Danish life. And yet, it was all futile when evil forces worked against good.

You didn't feel safe in Rumcofa anymore, there was a stench in the air; tension that mounted to embrace all residents with discomfort. Something was about to happen, but nobody knew what. You didn't claim or pretend to know what was happening, but Haesten's abrupt appearance spelled danger for everyone involved. So, as a security measure, you kept a long sword buckled around your swelling waist and a dagger strapped under your skirts. With Lord Uhtred gone, there was no invisible fence protecting Rumcofa - leaving it up to you, Osferth, Finan, and Cynleaf to pose as guard.

Yet you'd never be enough.

Like the surf over sand, a group of angered men descended on Rumcofa. "Who's men are yah?" Finan asked, you lingering at Osferth's side to watch the interaction from a short distance.

"We come from the King," a burly Saxon replied, your head cocking in interest - swearing you've seen him before. "Dane murderers are hiding here and you must hand them over."

"You're mistaken, sir," you kindly offered, the man's eyes shifting over you, "because we live in peace. Any murderers have surely moved on from here. We do not host them."

The man growled, "Don't think that's true, love."

Finan held a hand back at you, meeting your eyes and nodding simply. He turned back for the man in fur, diverting, "Of course, my men will attend to it."

Finan turned from the group, his eyes connecting with yours as he passed by. There was urgency, a quickened pace he adopted; having no intention to hand anyone over, wanting to remove these men without bloodshed. However, that was a distant thought because Father Benedict tried to assure the Saxon leader that nobody in Rumcofa would murder Queen Aelflaed.

You wanted to step in when the Saxon evidently didn't know about the Queen's demise - getting in Benedict's face and demanding to see what he spoke of.

"No, no, no," you muttered nervously, "he can't see the body, love, no, no, no, this is bad. Very bad."

"We can't stop Father Benedict without altercation," Osferth whispered back, keeping a tight hold of your hand, just watching the group. "If something happens, you need to get yourself safe."

"How do we truly know they're from Edward? What credentials do they have?" When Osferth shook his head, you worried, "Got a bad feeling 'bout this, angel."

Then the violence began.

The strange men took charge when their leader walked away, starting to physically harass the citizens; making both you and Osferth step in to try and diffuse the tension. You pushed men off unarmed women, got in between them and the children, did what you could without drawing a weapon.

When a man shoved you away from him, Finan wrangled him away, sneering, "Get yer hands off of her!" He kept the violent men at bay for a moment, telling you, "You need to go, darling - "

"Not now, Fin, look around us! We need to contain the situation, you'll need all hands you can get," You snapped, the two of you forced to part way.

Osferth panted nervously and looked left and right, turning to meet the Saxon and demand, "Tell your men to stand down!" But then, his eyes squinted when you joined his side to pull him back a step or two, recognizing him just as you did.

"I don't think they're here for the Queen, love," you heaved for breath in warning, still backing him up. "They've planned this."

"Finan!" Osferth barked, "These men have been here before!"

The Saxon roared over the fray, "Danes of Rumcofa have murdered our Queen!" His men jeered in anger, making Finan brandish both swords and for Osferth to push you back further from the attention. "Do your duty and rid the cockles from the wheat!"

You were left no choice. Osferth and you both armed yourselves, starting to fight off the Saxons as their leader demanded Danes and Christians be separated. You were unable to help, engaged in battle, but Young Uhtred gathered the Danes and begged Father Benedict to declare the church a sanctuary - thinking it would save lives.

It was only leading the Danes to slaughter.

The Saxon, Bresal, punched Father Benedict when he tried to stand in the way; his men holding Young Uhtred in the doorway to let their men enter the church the Danes were gathered in. They forced Young Uhtred to watch the massacre - men, women, and Danish children all slaughtered with no escape. No hope. No answer to a single prayer. Nobody to stop this bloody situation.

You fought on, Osferth, Finan, and Cynleaf doing their best to protect you by keeping you in the middle of their wee group. But you still got plenty of action.

"This is madness!" You cried out, slicing a man's throat open. "We need aid! We need more men!"

"This way!" Finan encouraged, "We must cut a path for Ingrith! Check the docks! Check the docks!"

You and Osferth ran towards the water, Cynleaf not far away. You searched for Ingrith, but you had no time to linger; engaged one-on-one again, forced to protect yourself and unborn baby. Not a minute later, you saw Ingrith on horseback, being stalled by a Saxon and for your husband to rush to her aid. He punched the man away from the horse, you hacking at another enemy, in time to see Osferth engaging with two Saxons - one being the leader, Bresal.

It all happened so fast.

You were already racing towards them when the unexpected. Osferth was battling on two fronts, holding Bresal at bay, fending off the other Saxon, screaming for Ingrith, who only managed a few paces before the Saxon's dogs spooked her horse. The noise was deafening; people screaming, crying, dogs barking, horses whinnying, swords singing as they clashed.

You watched it happen in slow motion.

You sprinted faster than ever before.

"INGRITH!" Osferth bellowed in worry when her horse reared back and dropped her to the dirt. It left an opening for Bresal to stab his dagger into Osferth's lung - freezing time and wrecking your world.

"NO!" You screamed, Bresal smirking at you and yanking his dagger free. Osferth wobbled, eyes wide as he met yours, the Saxon walking away as Osferth dropped to his knees. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Oh, God, no, no, you can't take him - not yet! Please, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no," You repeated, sliding on your knees in the dirt to catch him. "No, no, oh, my God, no, Osferth, no, please! Not now, not now, please, no, God, no! Don't do this! Please, please, please," you rambled, readjusting to better hold him, hearing Cynleaf and Finan yell for Baby Monk, too. You raged at God, "You can't take him yet! You can't have him! He's mine!"

But you heard nothing except your husband's labored breathing.

"An-Angel, angel, my angel," Osferth choked, wheezing and crying as he couldn't hold himself up and completely slumped back into your body. He pawed at your arms in an attempt to get closer.

"No, no, no, you're all right, you're okay, you're okay, my sweet love, you're all right," you insisted, hands stained in his blood as it poured from his wound. You knew it was essential to add pressure to a wound, but also, that this was all futile. Yet you needed to try. "Hey, hey, hey, look at me, just look at me, sweetheart, please, only look at me, nothing else matters," you pleaded with him in a rush, the lads sprinting to where you held your husband to your lap.

Nobody interrupted you.

"Where's the wound?" Osferth sobbed, trembling, blood spurting from his mouth; going paler by the minute. "Angel, please, the wound? Where's the wound?"

"No, no, no, don't worry 'bout that, hey? Don't you worry, you just keep looking at me," you sobbed, holding his neck and cradling him to your swollen belly. "Just at me, my love, okay? Just look at me - don't look anywhere else, okay? Nothing else matters."

"H-How bad? How ba-ba-bad-bad is i-it?"

"You're going to be all right," you lied to Osferth for the first time.

"Oh, my God, oh, my God," Osferth repeated through his tears and fears, "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die."

He held onto you desperately, sobbing, you slowly rocking. "No, you're all right, Osferth, it's okay, just look at me." You caressed his cheek, smearing blood, but locking eyes. "My love," you whispered, "listen to me - "

"I don't wanna die, please, please, angel, my love, please," he coughed, holding your arm tightly as if it would give him life. "Don't let me die," he wheezed, "don't let me die, my love, please, please. Don't let me die, I don't wanna die. I-I wanna meet our baby, please, I want to meet our baby, I want to be a father. Don't let me die, love, please, I-I wanna be your husband longer - "

"You'll never not be my husband and you'll never not be a father, hear me?" You sniffled, trying to smile at him. "Don't you worry, you're gonna be okay, you're okay, Osferth. You'll always be my husband, nothing will change that - I swear."

Blood pumped with each beat of his frantic heart, making it gush over your fingers. You didn't even feel it.

"Please," he choked, more blood bubbling from his lips, "don't let me die, I don't wanna die. Don't let me die, please, not now, not when our baby isn't here yet, please, I just wanna meet 'em, be a family, I wanna stay with you, don't let me go. Please, don't let me go, I don't want t'go! Don't let me - "

"Shh, it's okay, you're okay. I'm here with you. I'm right here, Osferth, you're not alone, you're never alone. I'm here. I've got you. I'll always have you, I won't ever let you go. Never."

He sobbed harder. "I don't wanna leave you. Please, I don't wanna go, I don't wanna be without you - " But the words choked him, a splatter spraying across your face when he coughed; you didn't even flinch.

"Listen to me," you begged, "I commend you, my dear, sweet husband, to Almighty God, and entrust you to your Creator."

Finan was heard behind you, retching jarring sobs as you read Osferth his death rite prayer. "Don't let me die," Osferth begged still, as if you held that power.

He had always looked at you as if you hung the sun and stars, and now, as if you were his very reason for living. You hated God in that moment for forcing you two through this.

"May you return to Him who formed you from the dust of the earth. May Holy Mary, the angels," now, you choked on your words, emotion clawing your throat, but still continued, "and all the saints come to meet you as you go forth from this life. May Christ who was crucified for you bring you freedom and peace." You sobbed, "May Christ who died for you admit you into His garden of paradise. May Christ, the true Shepherd, acknowledge you as one of His flock. May He forgive all your sins, and set you among those He has chosen. Amen. Please, please, say amen, Osferth, say it, please!"

"A-Amen - Amen!" He coughed, trying to get closer to you, nestling into your warmth as he felt impossibly cold. "Don't leave me, don't leave me, please, please, I don't wanna go, I don't wanna be alone. I can't go without you, please, don't let me go - don't let me die, angel, please, I can't go without you. I-I’ve never been without you my whole life, I don’t wish to start now. I love you. I-I love you, please, don't let me go, I love you. I need you."

"You'll never be without me," you promised, face coated in blood, grime, dirt, and ash; all streaked with your tear tracks. "You will always be my husband, hey? Hear me? You're always gonna be with me, I will never be apart from you. I'll love you forever, Osferth, I won't ever stop." You felt your chest cave in as you sobbed, "Please, don't you leave me - "

But Osferth was wheezing and panting, only staring up at you. "I only need you," he whimpered, "I've only ever needed you, I can't do this without you. Please, I can't - I can't go without you. I don't want to leave you, I can't leave you, please!'

"So don't leave me," you sobbed, him still clawing at you in desperation. "I love you more than life, Osferth, please, don't leave me, okay? Don't go. I love you so much. Being loved by you was my greatest pleasure in this life, I want our child to know your love, too, Osferth, please, don't go."

"I-I wanna meet our baby, I wanna hold 'em, love 'em," he repeated. "Please, this can't be the end, don't let this be the end. W-We have so much more - we were supposed to have eternity together, my love, my angel, please! This isn't the end, I can't - I can't go without you!"

"You're okay," you soothed uselessly, rocking more prominently. "Just stay with me, my love, okay? Stay with me. Don't go. Only look at me, all right? You hear me?" You sniffled, caressing his cheek. "You're the best thing in my life, Osferth, yeah? Understand me? Where you're going, y-you'll be welcomed a hero, with open arms. You'll be my own angel. My real angel. The reason I keep going for our child. An-And you'll stay there just for a little while until I join you, okay? You'll watch over us, me and the baby, right? Our own angel? Hey? 'Cause you'll never be part from us - you'll never be apart from me. You and I are a forever sorta thing, we'll never be apart, we'll always be part of each other no matter what."

Osferth lost his words, eyes widening and pulling you closer.

You just soothed, "I'm here with you, my love. I'm here, I've got you. You're not alone, I'm right here, I have you. I've got you. I love you. I love you so fucking much, Osferth, okay? I love you more than anything, you're my everything. I love you," you sniffled, breaking down in worse sobs, repeating, "I love you, I love you, I love you so much, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry I wasn't faster, I love you, this shouldn't be happening. I'm so sorry, I should've come faster! I love you, I'm so sorry."

With his last breath, Osferth choked, "L-Love y-y-you."

"I love you," you hushed, bending at the waist to rest your forehead on his, "I love you so much. You're gonna be okay, you're gonna be all right, you'll be safe - where you're going, you'll be safe. I'm so sorry, my love... I'm so sorry."

You felt him go still. You felt the last of his breath exhale, his body deflate. You felt his soul detach from his body.

You froze.

"Oh, my God," you breathed, pulling back to look down at his petrified features. "Oh, my God, no, no, no. God, please, please, give him back," you sobbed, "give him back to me! Do not take him! It's not his time, you selfish cunt! Give him back! It wasn't supposed to end like this! Give him back to me, please! Please! This isn't how this was supposed to happen! We promised eternity together, please! Let us have that! Let us be together, give him back to me! I need him!"

Your shrill hysterics were heard all over Rumcofa.

Finan sobbed into his wife's arms behind you, Cynleaf knelt to slowly extend his hand onto your shoulder. "I'm so sorry," he offered, but you pushed him away harshly; knocking him into the dirt.

"No! I don't want your fucking condolences!" You snapped, holding Osferth tighter, "I want my husband! I want my husband back! Can you give him to me? Can you, Cynleaf? Can you give him back to me!?"

"No - "

"Then you have nothing to offer me! I want nothing else, nothing from you! I only want him!" You looked away from the young lad, finding Osferth's wide open eyes staring up at you. You whimpered, "I only need him, so, please. Please, give him back to me. Please. I need him, I need him, I can't do this without him, please, God, don't do this. You take so many lives, why add him to the mix!? Give him back! C'mon," you begged the cooling body, "c'mon, love, get up. Get up for me, please, just wake up. Come back to me, get up... Get up, Osferth, get up! Please! WAKE UP!"

But Osferth never moved. Never blinked. Never drew breath. And God never answered your pleas. Your dress was saturated in your husband's blood; a pooling puddle seeping into your knees, bodice drenched, his baby moving in your belly. You wailed into the still air, holding your husband tight to your chest; mouth agape to release the terrible screams of anguish, tears never ending, rocking on your knees. You didn't know what to feel... But devastation was prominent.

You wept until your throat went raw, jaw tender from your open mouth. "I'm so sorry!" You repeated, "I should've been quicker! I should've been at your side! You shouldn't have been alone! This is my fault! This is all my fault, I shouldn't have been away from you. I should've been with you, you did not deserve this end. Please! Forgive me, wherever you are, forgive me, I did not intend for this, I shouldn't have left you, I should've been at your side, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault, I'm so sorry."

"No," Ingrith whispered, "no, do not say this is your fault, you did nothing - "

"Exactly!" You snapped at her, eyes ablaze, her husband silent. "I did nothing, I wasn't with him! I wasn't where I was supposed to be! And he was stabbed because of you!"

Finan whispered your name in reprimand.

"No! How many times have you rode a fucking horse, Ingrith!? And now, today, the time it truly matters, you fall; you posed distraction," you sobbed, crumpling in on yourself. "He was distracted by your fall... This shouldn't've happened, this is all wrong!"

The trio just watched you, knowing your emotions were raw and unwavering, that your words did not have meaning because your husband had just died in your arms. Hours passed, you did not move. Hours passed, your husband did not return. Hours passed, and your heart shattered with each passing breath you selfishly drew.

Because living felt selfish now without Osferth.

"Sweet one," Finan whispered, the sun setting, "we should move him. Bring him to the church so Benedict can pray."

Your head shook, "No."

"Darlin', we have to - "

"No," you whimpered, "because if you take him to Benedict, it's real. If we move, he's truly gone... He can't be gone, Finan," you sobbed, meeting your friend's eyes. "If you move him, he's gone, I'm not ready to say goodbye, please. Please, don't take him from me."

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, "but he should be laid to rest."

"Don't take him from me," you begged, a new wave of tears starting. "I just - we were supposed to be a family. We were supposed to have this baby, and now, it's just me? This cannot be, so please, don't take him from me, I only need him back. Give him back to me, Finan, please, I can't be without him."

"I know," he nodded, gently encouraging you into his embrace. It meant you had to let go of Osferth, something you did slowly and gradually, leaning into the Irishman's chest. "All right, I got yah," he whispered, looking to his wife. "C'mon, stand with Ingrith. I'll carry him."

"Be gentle," you sobbed, feeling Ingrith grip your arms to help heave you to your feet; watching Finan scoop Osferth over his shoulder. The change of position made more blood splatter to the dirt, your heart stalling in your chest when you heard the mess.

You felt your soul shriveled and hidden somewhere deep in your chest, following as if in a trance. You watched Finan and Cynleaf slowly lower Osferth to the ground with the other dead Danes, feeling yourself drop to the ground in shock.

Seeing Osferth amongst the dead made it so much more real.

"It's all my fault," you sobbed, Finan moving to your side, "it's all my fault, I got him killed. I should've been quicker. This is my fault, my fault, I did this, 's my fault."

Finan knelt beside you, bringing your foreheads together to hold you tightly and let you sob into his embrace. "You didn't do this," he promised, "you did nothing wrong. You are not at fault. Do not carry this guilt."

You sobbed without reprieve.

Young Uhtred halted Father Benedict from praying over the Danes, telling the older man they had different customs, but looked back at you. He asked your name softly, wondering, "Do you wish for a prayer for... Him?"

Even Young Uhtred couldn't stomach the truth, avoiding using Osferth's name out of sheer disbelief.

"That'd be nice," Finan agreed, turning to sit beside you and hold you under his arm. You leaned into his embrace, head to his shoulder. "She read him his death rites when... It happened."

Young Uhtred nodded, bowing his head, leading, "Our Father, Who art in heaven, Hallowed be Thy Name. Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done, On earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread, And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."

Then, you joined from under Finan's heavy arm, sobbing through your words, "Hail Mary, Full of Grace, The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now, and at the hour of our death."

Benedict finished, "Glory Be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end."

Together, you, Ingrith, Young Uhtred, Benedict, Finan, and even Cynleaf ended, "Amen."

Feeling the most level-headed, Ingrith stepped in and directed the men; informing that Young Uhtred should lead the remaining Danes to Daneland, Finan and Cynleaf would meet Uhtred on the road, and she would accompany you to Wessex - where Osferth could be laid to rest at the place of his birth. Then, the people mourned together for their fallen.

Finan disagreed initially, telling his wife you were his responsibility now that Osferth was passed. But there was no way you could continue with the company, not in your pregnant state. Finan didn't like the idea of you being without him, considering you close to a sister; something of a best mate, someone he couldn't turn his back on - no matter the situation. However, he understood the predicament and finally agreed to part ways, but not before he untied Osferth's crucifix and latched it around your neck. At the gates of Rumcofa, before separating, Finan gifted you his rosary; thinking it might bring comfort in his physical absence.

Years from then, you would bring up a single son named Gabriel (a name your husband favored, a name benefitting an Angel) under Lord Uhtred in his birthplace of Bebbanburg. You never remarried. You never even so much as looked after another man with lust. Gabriel would grow into a handsome warrior and a devoted man of God, satisfied on tales about his father; being painted as a man of honor, integrity, and bravery. Osferth, too, was a man of God, a man of the sword, and a man of his word... Until the very end. And when your time came, you were brought back to Wessex to be laid to rest with your husband; your son having a son, naming him Osferth, and knowing, both his parents shined down on him in pride.

It was a comfort for everyone to know, somewhere in the afterlife, in God's warmth, you and Osferth were reunited; looking just as you did the day you parted from one another.

requesting rules and masterlist

[mass-convergence]

Okay …. I kind of wonder with the prevalence of ADHD diagnoses in the past few years, if that statistic of 5% of people who have ADHD graduating college is a little low?

Doesn’t change the fact that universities very much do have issues with accommodating people with ADHD or really any disability.

However … after googling the hell out of it - I have yet to find the actual published study that says “5% of people diagnosed with ADHD graduate from college”

The ONLY source I have found is this news article https://wcfcourier.com/news/local/for-adhd-students-transition-to-college-is-tough/article_950df28a-ac05-5b50-8768-2ed34aa05376.html sorry it’s behind a paywall

And that doesn’t cite the study only says “according to a 2008 study in the Journal of Learning”

So one single study.

In 2008.

There have been some other studies that have found lower graduation rates of college students diagnosed with ADHD but not as extreme as 5% (okay those you’re going to have to look up yourself - I’m like tired).

The thing is, there are a lot more people being diagnosed with ADHD now - I got my diagnosis last year. I’m 30. I have a college degree and a job (this isn’t bragging - many other people I know who have ADHD are also working in my field and that requires at least a Bachelor’s if not a Master’s)

5% is a fucking grim number and I don’t think it’s actually representative of the true graduation rate. I can’t even find the stupid study that says that - only the news article - so I can’t really read what their methodology was. What was their sample size? How did they choose participants? How did they gauge educational outcomes? Were there maybe confounding variables? (Like race, socioeconomic status, etc). Didn’t see if they were looking at Associates vs Bachelors or anything.

In conclusion:

I think the 5% figure is most likely bullshit or at least comes from a single study that I cannot find that was done in 2008. That’s 16 years ago.

I think that there are still serious differences in educational outcomes between people diagnosed with ADHD vs neurotypicals. Colleges are indeed very shitty about accommodations and professors very much can just not give a fuck. (Source: I was in college … it took me almost a decade to get through undergrad)

Anecdotally (so very much not scientific) … in my current field of work where you need at least a Bachelor’s degree (if not a Master’s given how fucking competitive it is) - I have met a ton of people with ADHD. None of them came from like rich families that were willing to chuck money at the school to keep their baby in college. I’ve met people with ADHD in other scientific/highly technical fields that require at least a Bachelor’s for any job. There are more people than you think.

Some people may not follow the typical college track where you graduate high school and go to college right afterward like it’s 13th grade or something. In fact some people go do other shit for a while before saying “y’know I want to get a degree”

A lot of adults now are being diagnosed with ADHD as we gain a better understanding/diagnosis criteria for it. People are now self-diagnosing and also seeking a diagnosis now that, due to increased awareness of what ADHD actually fucking is, are like “ah fuck so I wasn’t a lazy idiot in my childhood like my parents and teachers told me I was?!”

If you are just starting out in life and have an ADHD diagnosis … please do not let the 5% statistic dissuade you from pursuing a college degree. It’s not hopeless. If you want to go to college then go to college.

Scientific studies can have glaring weaknesses. Which is why replication of results and peer review are super important. One study that says the graduation rate of college students with ADHD is only 5% does not make it true in the wider context. You need multiple studies.

[sokkagatekeeper]

I think with zukka it’s the exact opposite as soulmates like in every way these two should’ve never even met let alone connect but they did and they do and they balance each other out in so many ways... them being together isnt fulfilling some serious destiny them being together is being able to let their guard down and being who they were never allowed to be: youthful, and playful... essentially when I think of zukka I think of laughter and the heaviness one’s heart feels when they’re nearly overwhelmed with happiness. No fate, no destiny, no titles... just being.

i think that in order to break down what sokka and zuko’s relationship means in relation to soulmates especially interpreting this relationship as romantic, we need to start with the basics. get ready for a long and probably pretty wordy ride.

let's start with the meaning of the word “soulmate” specifically in fandom. the most common perception of a soulmate in fandom is that your soulmate is quite literally the other half of your soul, meaning that without this romantic interest you are somehow incomplete. now, what the hell is a soul? according to my dear friend google, a soul is “the spirit or the essence of a person, and the part of the person that makes them who they are and will be even after death.” is it even possible to split a soul in half? well, in my opinion everyone in fandom is essentially insane, so i’d rather say that no, it is not possible for a soulmate to be the other part of your soul, or for another person fictional or otherwise to complete you as another person, fictional or otherwise (when it's fictional, a soulmate can add depth and nuance, maybe?? but not complete. what the fuck does complete even mean). i have a more interesting interpretation of the meaning of a soulmate at hand, specifically because my first language is spanish: the closest thing to the word “soulmate” in spanish is alma gemela, literally “twin soul.” i believe it is much more interesting to interpret a soulmate as a person whose soul is a mirror to yours, or a reflection. a complement. the notion that someone is perfect and made for you romantically is essentially full of shit and a very lazy mindset, but anyway. 

if we’re talking about being destined to meet a person, or being different faces of the same coin, or stuff like that, then of course this is a thing in fiction. aang and zuko and katara are definitely soulmates in terms of being destined to meet and change each other in a meaningful and earth-shattering way. the concepts of destiny and fate are not only an actual thing in atla, but also very prominent and loud in themes and narrative, and in the mindsets and beliefs of the characters themselves; it heavily influences their actions and approach to other characters, especially zuko. from his perspective, zuko’s dynamic with aang throughout the show and in general (meaning before and after he joined the gaang) is in part shaped by his sense of morality, and in part by his belief that his destiny is somehow intertwined with aang’s (he was right, of course), similarly to how katara approached aang (too, as a beacon of hope) or even how she saw zuko as a definitive enemy (in contrast to how sokka saw zuko as pretty much a fool and a recurrent inconvenience) aang, katara, and zuko’s dynamics with each other are all somehow related to destiny, the general concept of soulmates as a mirror of your soul, whether consciously or unconsciously. this is part of what makes them the central thematic trio and the heart of the show.

knowing all this, let’s go back to sokka and zuko. in short, as i’ve said before, to each other they are just… some guys. to elaborate, to sokka, zuko was just 1) some guy in the way, another inconvenience that occasionally got in between him and in his business with the avatar, whom he didn’t respect at all and didn’t think of as an enemy, 2) just some guy to be wary of for all of the aforementioned reasons, and 3) some guy, but cool and nice and a friend, possibly a love interest?? idk we’ll see!! meanwhile to zuko, sokka was 1) some guy in the way, another inconvenience that occasionally got in between him and in his business with the avatar, whom he didn’t respect at all and didn’t think of as an enemy, 2) some guy, who is amazing and cool and he will break into a prison with him because why not?? so we can safely say, while there are direct parallels between them and are definitely connected in some spiritual way (as are all of the gaang, in my opinion!!), sokka and zuko themselves do not know that. the weight of being meant-to-be in their relationship is nonexistent, and i definitely agree that they can relax around each other in that sense, especially zuko (who believes in destiny therefore i mention him a lot, in comparison to sokka who does not believe in destiny therefore doesn’t carry the weight of anf his relationships being shaped by it which. they arguably are, as it is a story that was predefined, but that’s for another day). it’s been talked about that the most compelling thing about sokka and zuko’s relationship revolves around the concept of choice. the boiling rock is the only life-changing field trip that zuko was initially denied, but insisted on going anyway. he decided to go out of pure selflessness, solely to help sokka, in contrast to him being quite literally required to go as aang’s teacher/to prove himself and get katara off his back (as well as other subconsious reasons, that, too, for another day). zuko went with sokka because he thought he was dope, and as we all know zuko cannot do anything half-way so he decided he would die for the guy (valid of him, by the way). their entire relationship is just subversion after subversion after subversion.

it’s also related to sokka being just some guy, not only as he believes himself to be but also how sokka is pretty much the fourth part of the thematic triangle that aang katara and zuko have going on. he balances each of their pure hearts and idealism with a sharp mind and bitchy but useful pessimism. sokka being just some guy to zuko’s deuteragonist is the thematic equivalent of sokka being a main character and suki being a secondary character. it works because the weight of universal forces just isn’t there, and it works better than (in my opinion!!) katara and zuko or (to a lesser degree) aang and katara being romantically involved for the same reasons.

and anyway. when it comes to fandom interpretation, it’s very easy to think of every parallelism/symbolism as a sign of two characters being meant to be together romantically, or whatever. and while it is fun, most parallels (at least among the gaang) are mostly to show how the characters are able to understand and connect with each other whether romantically or platonically (and the destiny in fiction thing i’m too tired to talk about again), so the parallels between sokka and zuko are not entirely irrelevant to their romantic potential — people are also quick to think every parallel/trope/catchy line about their relationship is shallow and stupid and soulmates suck anyway!! and therefore i’m asking you all to calm down and find a middle ground. not every parallel/trope/etc is romantic and not every parallel/trope/etc is dumb and irrelevant. when it comes to the infamous “prince and the fool” for example, some people take it as the ultimate proof of their love and some think it’s utter nonsense and a cheap version of the zvtara’s moon/sun dynamic. and both of them are wrong!! “the prince and the fool” is in fact pretty much like “the wise and the brave” of katara and sokka. it is merely a descriptive of the way they act with each other, the way their differences balance each other, the way they contrast each other, etc etc. they do work as descriptive on their own, but not as well as they work when put together; yes, sokka is wise, but how wise? what is the standard for him to be considered wise, or even the opposite? sokka being wise works in terms of aesthetic, character, dynamic, etc etc, only if katara is being brave right besides him. zuko is a prince, sure, but what else is there? what is the alternative? you can call sokka a fool (and you would be wrong, by the way) but what does that word alone bring to his character? 

to conclude, i believe the thing about sokka and zuko’s relationship is that there’s nothing definitive to it by universal order — or rather, while it might exist, it's definitely to a lesser degree than other relationships in their lives, therefore the characters themselves don't notice it and there's no pressure to fulfill any prophecies; they just are, and they just do. you can have a passionate and true love without it being the sole meaning of your existence, or your sole motivation and priority in your life. it’s clear that in case they were romantically involved they wouldn’t even be the person they love the most (as it is very clear the person sokka loves the most is katara (!!!), while zuko’s is probably iroh?? idk). i believe the best part of a romantic relationship between sokka and zuko is that they are just some guys, maybe not to the universe but to each other. if they have to choose each other as they do, if they just get each other as well as they do, who care about each other a shit ton even if not any more than their other friends and family but just a little differently, while they aren’t canonically soulmates the way aang and zuko or aang and katara are (while the potential is there) i’d go as far as to say they are some sort of kindred spirits. i think it all depends on how you define soulmates, really.

[spidercakes]

Have a starker serial killer AU featuring dark!Tony/Peter.

Warnings: murder (obviously), vague descriptions of violence, unhealthy relationships (also obviously- don’t date serial killers), mentions of domestic violence.

*

Tony feels bad for Peter and, in his defense, Tony is stellar at being charming. Its amazing what he can get away with because people find him attractive and witty and that’s when he’s not trying. When he is, well. It wasn’t all that difficult to make Peter fall in love with him when he was starved for positive attention and Tony feels... well, something for him. He’s not sure he feels things exactly right, but he does know he feels. Psychologically he has no idea what that means but he also doesn't put a lot of faith into the field of study. Too easy to convince people they’ve seen what they wanted to instead of what’s actually there. The problems with trying to observe people’s behavior when you’re limited by the same things your subjects are, he supposes.

Peter, for his part, doesn’t look nearly as freaked out as Tony thought he would. He looks more like he’s in shock and Tony dislikes this stage in normal feeling, where the situation hasn’t sunk in yet. The closest he’s ever felt to that was when his parents died and even then he’s not sure if it was his mother’s loss or the drinking that did that. The downside is that he knows this is going to lead to an emotional outburst of some sort later and what that means for him will depend on how Peter loses it.

“How... you did that so easily,” he says and Tony is aware of how smart Peter is. He didn’t just kill Quentin easily, he did it with experience and Peter hardly needs to be a murder expert to know that.

“Don’t ask stupid questions,” he tells Peter. He knows how much he hates stupid questions because, contrary to popular belief, there are stupid questions. He dislikes when people ask a question not because they don’t know the answer, but because they do and they don’t want to admit it out loud. Peter is aware of that too.

Peter looks down at Quentin, dead and bloody, at Tony’s feet, and then he looks to Tony’s hands. He’s still holding the knife. No need to set it down somewhere and leave more evidence for himself to clean up, and he knows Peter won’t miss the fact that he’s wearing a glove on one hand- the one holding the knife. Suggests premeditation and he wouldn’t be wrong. Tony heard them arguing and he knows Peter’s history, he’s had more than one run in with Quentin himself but Tony never told Peter about that. Quentin isn’t stupid either, he sensed pretty much immediately that whatever kind of fucked up he was Tony was about a hundred times worse, and he happened to be a hell of a lot more controlled. He’s certain the fact that he’d only tried to intimidate Tony twice, both times resulting in him being deeply unsettled, was due to him coming to the correct conclusion that if he decided to push it he wouldn’t be the one walking away.

So when he’d heard Quentin in the house he knew he purposefully chose to target Peter when he’d be alone and that didn’t sit right with him. And if he was determined enough to risk Tony finding out about it this was probably the kind of escalation that would result in Peter getting hurt or worse to he’d made a decision. It wasn’t even difficult to kill Quentin, he’d never even seen Tony coming and the knife was duller than Tony would have liked it but it cut his throat just fine. The mess will be a bitch to deal with but he’s gotten good at cleaning up his mistakes so even that won’t be an issue.

“But wh- how- why?” Peter settles on.

Tony snorts because that’s easy. “Was he not about to attack you?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

Its definitely not a proper reaction to his actions but he’s not about to deal with denial, Peter saw what he saw and he needs to process it and figure it out so Tony can plan how to deal with this. Peter looks back down at Quentin and at least he hasn’t screamed, not that it would matter. No one would hear him with so much land between him and his neighbors but it’d be unpleasant to deal with. “He isn’t the first person you’ve killed,” Peter states, not asks.

That’s the only reason Tony confirms it, “don’t ask for a body count, I won't give one to you.” The less he knows the better. When Tony gets caught, and it is a when, not an if, then it’d be helpful if Peter didn’t actually know much. Makes it easier for him to lie. Assuming he sticks around that long.

“You’ll kill someone in front of me but you won’t tell me how many people you’ve killed? Enough to be good at it,” Peter says, giving Quentin another horrified look. God, its like he’s watched a train wreck and he can’t look away or at least that’s how Rhodey describes looking at wounds. Tony mostly thinks its kind of gross because the blood gets all over and he doesn’t know what kind of shit that person might have. He doesn’t want to find out by getting some disease either. But he doubts that’s what Peter’s immediate thoughts are.

“Why would I give you details to more than just the crime I committed in front of you? Seems pretty stupid,” he points out, “given that you already know too much.” Peter seems to realize that late and his go wide, “if I wanted you dead, you would be. You saw how easy it was to kill him,” Tony says, guiding Peter along a little helpfully. Sure he wants a specific result here, but ultimately how this goes is up to Peter.

The fact that he relaxes is a good sign. The fact that it doesn’t last long isn’t. “Why haven’t you killed me?” he asks.

He wants to tell Peter not to ask stupid questions again but in his defense he just watched Tony kill his ex in cold blood. “I’ve never lied to you about how I feel, none of that was made up. I’m not that good of a liar,” he admits. He has a tendency to overdo it and every time he takes a step too far he realizes it too late.

Which Peter doesn’t believe if the look on his face is any indication. “You’re clearly very talented at lying,” he points out. “Because I would have never seen this coming.”

“No one sees dating a serial killer coming, Peter,” Tony says, giving him a look. “And the trick to a good lie is to avoid ever lying at all. The more you do it the more details you need to cover your ass long term and the more tedious it becomes. Tell the truth and the details don’t run the risk of changing because you’re not making things up as you go along. And there is no way I am capable of just faking an entire relationship. Believe me, I’m a terrible actor.”

Its landed him in trouble a few times but he’s smart, far smarter than most of the people around him and he’s thankful for it otherwise he wouldn’t have gotten out of as much as he has. Not, he thinks, that it’s going to come in handy now because he can’t think of a clever way to get himself out of a relationship crisis with a dead body at his feet. At least Peter isn’t in the splash zone, that would have made clean up a little messier.

Peter laughs a little, “pretty sure you’re wrong about that.”

Tony frowns, “then why wouldn’t I have just acted shocked and appalled at what I’d done and told you I was good at it because I’m a genius- I could have done the math on the angles I’d need to cut his throat at and the amount of pressure I’d need to do it that fast, you know that. Would have been an easier way out of this than all but telling you I kill people for funsies in my spare time.”

Its also a massive lie that requires a ton of acting and a huge amount of upkeep if he were to tell it, which is what he just told Peter he likes to avoid so he’s hoping he’ll put that together. That isn’t the kind of lie Tony can maintain for any length of time so he wasn’t about to try it- he’s good at not getting caught because he knows his limitations. He knows the laws he needs to in and out, he knows the science behind how to get rid of a body and all the cleanup methods he needs to know, but he’s shit at making things up. Actually, he’s pretty shit with people as a whole if he has to deal with them on a long term basis and that’s why he has so few friends. And one of them lives half way around the world from him permanently, which makes things easier.

The draw of Peter is that it never felt like work to feel things around him, he seems to naturally pull it out of Tony. That, and he genuinely likes spending time in Peter’s company and that’s rare. Even Rhodey knew something was up and they only talk on the phone a couple times a week. Peter, if he chooses to believe him, will have to see that.

Instead of giving Tony something, anything, to go on he blinks a few times rapidly before he sighs. “I need some time,” he murmurs.

*

Methodical might be the best way to describe his actions and by now he’s keenly aware that Peter is... curious. When he said he’d need time Tony didn’t think he’d stick around to watch the clean up even if he hasn’t moved from the living room. Probably best that he didn’t follow Tony into the garage anyway, and technically it gave him space to think.

But he’s back now, tearing up his carpet and he’s kind of pissed he’ll have to replace it. If Quentin would have just minded his own business like Tony told him to he would have a living room carpet. “You didn’t hesitate,” Peter says softly and Tony looks up. He probably looks ridiculous to Peter considering the protective gear but he’s not tracking more evidence around not wearing it.

“Didn’t need to,” Tony tells him. He knew what he was doing, he’s killed someone like that before and he also didn’t have the time to hesitate.

“I don’t think he even knew you were there,” Peter says, looking a mix of confused and haunted.

“Ideally they don’t.” Doesn’t always work out that way and Tony has learned what to do when he fucks something up.

“And you killed him for me?” Peter asks.

Its a question Tony doesn’t expect and its not one he has a ready answer to. He frowns, straightening up for a moment because he’s not totally sure. No, he is actually, its just that he didn’t realize it until now. “Yes. Yeah, I think I did,” he says, returning to his work.

Peter returns to silence, frowning now as he continues to watch Tony work. He leaves Peter to it, more concerned with the amount of blood he’s going to have to clean up.

*

Tony looks over the living room and decides its fit enough to leave. There shouldn’t be anything left behind and Peter seems to be surprised from his spot in the hallway. “Are you always this thorough?”

“I’d have been caught by now if I wasn’t,” Tony says. Peter wanders in, casting a suspicious look around but there’s no evidence of a murder here. Well, there is, but finding it would be a pain in the ass now and the cops would need to know exactly what they’re looking for. He’s learned murder scenes are a little like technology- its not often you can cover your ass totally and completely, but you can make it difficult for people to find what they’re looking for.

“Will you tell me how long you’ve been doing this?” Peter asks. He looks more comfortable now and Tony is unsure what to make of that, if anything. He knows people react in weird and extremely varied ways.

“Since I was 17,” he says. Peter seems surprised by that and Tony figures he should be. That didn’t feel young to him then, but it does now. It took him some time to do it again though, not that Peter knows that. He’s pretty sure it was the death of his parents that made him that ballsy to begin with.

He nods though, taking another step closer. “I keep ending up with people like you,” he says and Tony makes a noise of offense.

“I had nothing in common with that filth,” he says, defensive.

Peter frowns, “you kill people but you’re judging Quent?”

Tony rolls his eyes, “there are people in this world that deserve to die, no one deserves domestic violence.” That isn’t even close to the same, Peter has to realize that. Hell, even the state understands that murder is necessary- why else  have a death penalty? Or soldiers ready to kill for you, at that. There aren’t reasons why hitting your spouse is fine, there are no exceptions to the rule.

“This is a moral thing?” Peter asks, head tilted to the side.

“Of course it is. I might be reprehensible but I’m not like that.” He’s not like his father. Sure, he and Howard are both monsters of some kind but they aren’t the same breed and Tony has learned to take pride in that.

“Maybe you are bad at lying,” Peter murmurs, frowning as he looks at him.

“Which I told you,” Tony points out.

Peter sighs. “Fine, I keep ending up with people who are... damaged. Beyond repair kind of damaged and I thought maybe it was something about me. Then I spent a lot of time denying it but I think I was right,” he says, shaking his head.

Tony tilts his head to the side, “yeah, how so? Because you don’t seem damaged beyond repair to me.” If anything he feels so untouched by the world, so bright and optimistic. Funny, too. In his experience that’s not how damaged acts.

“Not like that. I mean I... guess I have a dark side too,” he says and oh, oh. Tony recognizes that look, he’s seen it in the mirror a million times and worked hard on learning to hide it. And, he realizes, its not the first time he’s seen it either. Maybe that’s why he’d been so drawn to Peter, why things felt so easy with him. He wouldn’t have to act so much around someone like himself.

He smiles a little, “can’t say I saw that coming.”

Peter grins too, “I know. You really are a shitty lair,” he says as he steps into Tony’s arms. “Teach me how to kill like that?”

[unproduciblesmackdown]

even more prompts catchup

April 5th: What was school like for you, or what is it currently like for you if you are still in school? Elementary, high school, post-secondary?

i Hate/d school lmfao......like i do Like To Learn and Know Shit, and of course Sometimes / on some occasions it was like, hey i'm having a good to pretty great time at school, but those were usually Special occasions or teachers going out of their way to give us you know, fun projects / go beyond the Standardized Testing curriculum, which natch they couldn't always do / did require sort of going Above & Beyond, rather than being the constant, guaranteed experience of like hooray for school......it's like, oh hooray re: the Play Scenes my fourth grade english class did that was like, an Extra thing, where we got to audition and i just had a great time like oh right, clearly Theatre in retrospect, or hooray re: the field trips, or projects we did In Class, since i hated homework.......i was always that accursed (i mean, not accursed for Me, but) combination of "really a terrible student but also gets great grades" lmao i forever do things Last Minute but like, when i was At school, in class, i'd just power through whatever work there was then & there usually, and in middle school would sometimes do hw on the bus, as i was the last on the bus route to be picked up in the morning or dropped off in the afternoon, but as soon as i got home i was in Home Mode and yknow. didn't just sit down and continue School Stuff asap. also hardly ever Studying unless it's the night / morning before a test lmfao but i had a great memory for that stuff, so studying that last minute was like "yep, i Do remember this from going over it 2 seconds ago" so yknow, despite hating school / no good Study Habits(tm) or anything, i did fine. i also read a ton, at home or at school and at any other point. so i was also like, quiet and generally ~well behaved~ or whatever lol (the like "how are kids (or anyone) supposed to stay focused and on task for 7+ hours a day..." thing), segue into next paragraph

i also remember like, 3 day a week preschool being the first time i was, you know, in some sort of School and also around other kids that much, i did have this sense that like, somehow there were Rules that i wasn't following, not re: Classroom Rules or something, but wrt socializing with peers, like that everyone else had something going on in how they interacted which i wasn't gonna get right, & i had this sense of like, not really being Allowed to interact lmao, even being 4 years old i have a few distinct memories re: this of like, a) choosing to play by myself in the classroom or when outside, and b) my "best friend" being the one person who just like, chose to hang out with me lmfao, but i was like oh cool Having A Friend lmao, like i didn't Not want to have friends, i was just already aware of like, i don't feel like i can just up and interact w/these people and i don't feel like they want me to, and c) re: that being aware of whatever Rules Of Interaction existing and that i wouldn't meet them / abide by them and thus there'd be some kind of repercussion for not meeting those rules, and not being allowed, i remember that like. there was this other indoor playspace in the lower level and there were toys i wanted to play with but Refrained from, and it was like, why did 4 yr old me get the idea i Wasn't Really Allowed, and most of what i can theorize is that it was like, well other kids might want to play with that, and the Normal / Better kids should get priority lmao, and/or being nervous that it just might otherwise lead to some sort of Interaction i wouldn't feel ready for.....and d) sitting at a table with like whatever 4 or 5 other kids or something and amongst ourselves someone was like "oh put your foot in the middle if you're [x]" and i tried to join in on a technicality lmfao and also just in, you know, active efforts to be Participating with these other kids on their terms, and it did not pay off, something that repeated uhhhhh, forever i guess lol. insert that post like can allistic people be normal for 5 seconds.....

like in elementary school i wasn't really making friends either, incredibly, i was Amicably Tolerated by many people then & like, again also at any point after at least lmao (and it helps that i was generally in teachers' good graces, not that i narced on anyone ever, but i had like, my Niche as the Academically Successful One, and also i was the kid who draws, another shoutout to some post and tweet about how being The Drawing Kid was like, some measure of respect but also disdain lmfao...) and sometimes people would again like. choose to interact with me repeatedly, and i'd sort of be nonplussed at best b/c it's like, okay thanks but in this situation i didn't Choose this any more than i choose [Trying to be in the group but being rejected/excluded], so it's kinda weird, i was friends with someone for a few years in elementary school but we just were Coincidentally in the same class for those years, when we were in different classes in 3rd or 4th grade and just weren't seeing each other it fizzled out, in middle school i made another couple friends where we were all being Funny lmao, but i didn't go to high school, so once again we weren't seeing each other, and [At School] was where i always had most Interactions with people, didn't see people much outside of school even if we were hanging out / being friends During school, for [a whole tangent] reasons, so. guess the good news is i'm still in touch / friendly acquaintances with some people from school from college, but even then, there was Some more social success or whatever, but not all That much, and i was still unhappy like, not having many friends, often being like "i'm going to the cafe a block away b/c i have no social occasions here and i want to get out of the dorm / be around people," that if i was with more than one other person i could end up the third wheel friend lmao or nobody is paying attention when you talk or oh no i put myself out there hanging with a friend group but maybe people thought you were a joke or something, thanks. smh

and that like, speaking of college, i went early but this was, for my part, truly primarily driven like "well i hate school so if i can Not go to high school, okay" and like, while i got in and everything it was still like "tf is college, i've never known what i Want To Do so i wonder if i'll figure this out, but i'm not expecting to last past the first semester / year b/c this is college and i'm a terrible student actually lol" but then turns out i kept doing well enough like A's & B's like oh woops i guess i'm still here, then, hope i can figure out what tf "credit hours" means (finally did lol).....then sophomore year was a bunch of just Agonizing over "what tf do i major in," something i never figured out, wherein i might bring something up & it got parentally shot down like "never heard you talk about that" like what tf Did you hear me talk about? are you thinking i had my life figured out by age 9, b/c i didn't think that, i'm only 15/16 even Now, even being the Regular college age it's like, nobody's figuring their life out then. also i didn't tell my parents things, so. and then i settle on something that sure, Might've been of interest, but also it was like, a) a program that barely existed and req'd taking classes at a like 30 min away campus and also the head of department had Just retired and the most heinous teacher in the related fields was now in charge, brilliant and b) the sort of thing you'd just wanna start taking prerequisites for like as soon as you set foot on campus, like, great. and c) i was like, hardly feeling all the Academic Ambition anyway b/c i never had, b/c i hate/d school, and b/c i still didn't Know what i wanted to major in, and i was stressed n depressed and also realizing oh right, i'm not cishet, and oh right, i'm never going to get along with my family b/c [long tangent] reasons and that's kind of concerning, here i am impending Being 18 and like, how do i get out of this b/c it's becoming clearer that i'm not just gonna start getting along with the 'rents now that i'm not an elementary schooler and also now that i'm realizing the Reasons being at home sucks. guess i learned stuff in college lol but also it was like, the experience of getting to be Away From Home and existing every day without parents literally / figuratively over my shoulder at some point every day, and getting to do shit on my own and figure things out while Not At Home.....i also had a lot of fun taking a couple classes from this one music prof lol. he was this weird really enthusiastic and really knowledgeable guy lmao like great, these evening classes where we go over to the arts building and he plays things on the piano off the cuff and tells a lot of tangential stories while we're learning about like, beethoven technically, or folk music. didn't need those classes but they were great, i've had these teachers who were totally into whatever they were teaching and had a great time with that

also acknowledgment to the fact i was a No Extracurriculars person all through school, k thru 6 and college alike really, although i took dance class for that k thru 6 period, just that was separate from school actually (and another fun "being away from home" thing and Theatresque performance thing i enjoyed) but besides that it was like, how do i figure out what i want to do without committing to joining this whole thing, i don't know How to sign up for stuff really either, and it'd probably entail "asking for stuff" and needing to coordinate more rides and etc and that's just a hassle, and i wanna go home from school asap anyways, and then like, when it came to college, i was again at first thinking like "well idk what i'm doing and i hate homework so i'll probably mess it up in this first year anyways" and figured that doing anything Extra outside classes was just gonna be too much, and also, it's like, i've never been in these kinds of groups before and why am i gonna start in college, where there'll probably be all these people who Have done this stuff before, and are also 18? e.g. even though it was like "hey you're away from home and don't have to ask/tell anyone else anything to do this club stuff or whatever!" supposed ideal environment for trying stuff out, it was like, maybe i'm theoretically interested in auditioning for the fall theatre production, but the last acting experience i had was like, "2 month drama class in middle school" or "that 4th grade [section of a] play" so like, not really Any education or experience or Training re: any of that stuff, and a bunch of 18 yr olds who might've, or [age peers] who were theatre people who had already done stuff so they weren't getting Lead Roles or anything but they were getting cast / taking classes / joining an a capella group while i'm like right on, i'm over here with some sort of Grade Honor Society (??) saying my gpa qualifies me to join and be able to experience some further academic rigor/requirements lmfao and i'm like absolutely not. get away lol. anyways so bit of a chaotique Post K12 Zone Education Experience there lmfao, all kinds of things i'd Like to Learn and even take classes on, but didn't like, right i love learning languages but never took classes, love math and shit but only got to a certain level of calc and even then seemed to miss some Lore, never did anything re: theatre, etc and so on. so you wonder if some advantages re: high school would be like, more chances for those extracurriculars (or regular curriculars) but, as though i wouldn't have the same qualms about getting in on any of it, and as if i wouldn't've still hated school but also still been at home, F. and i think people can be a lot more normal to each other when it's college and you're Not stuck in one building together 8 hours a day lmao, got some gentle "occasional Bullying style attention" in middle school, but had juuust enough like, [that Niche of good grades / kid who draws] and people who Were friendlier to me that it was you know, unpleasant, but didn't have to be that huge a deal, and then i was outta there soon enough. also, in college many people are 18 or older, as opposed to 11 to 13. anyways the rest of my school story was that in the end the problems were "i don't know what i want to major in and also now's a worse time than ever b/c i've realized my existence At Home is untenable, and naturally i am quite depressed & stressed about things, and i gotta say absolutely virtually every adult presence was either totally unhelpful to Counterproductive here lmao, like, not much anyone could do really but it's helpful when someone is like, i'll treat you like a person vs simply just going 'uh why are you not doing the academic stuff good enough'" lmfao like. the whole time Not having friends i'd wanna talk to through class and happening to get good grades in part b/c i somehow Could as easily as i did and also i was afraid of getting C's or worse b/c "tfw i wasn't even yet in a grade that gave you A thru F grades yet but my older sister caught shit for getting a C

like :/" and etc means adults are like My Student Is Fine, and also, what are you gonna do even if they aren't, i guess. i just had to figure out completely for myself Why and How i really wasn't Fine and that was quite difficult and also took a long time. then there was a mutual prank of "i drop out of college at the tail end of things" and "now i have to be at home with parent/s more resentful of your obvious Waywardness (insert: not being cishet, and the fact it occurs to me that my being autistic was always causing 'problem' behavior i was getting shit for like, the whole time lmfao, even if nobody knew / labeled it like oh this is for ND reasons, or if it was both true i tried to come out (smh, thought i Had to b/c that was part of Not Being Cishet) and it was simply ignored / unaddressed and yet it sure fueled further specific resentment of my not Performing Gender properly, or "worse," so that went well, in that i eventually abruptly left and did not maintain contact, in the interest of "the levels to which i was thriving was like, that if i bailed and like died 50 hrs later it'd still be what i want to do," true to that i did not / don't regret it. and what do you know, i was first able to bail to a relatively nearby friend from college's home, whose family also liked me lmao. shoutout to school still being where i made Any friends, except a friend i made who was a coworker of several years. and Online Friends, which, another school connection, that like, i can more readily Connect w/people via talking about interests, something that happened Sometimes at school in person lmao but not much, but also that i Talk About Interests in a way through Drawing, which, well shoutout to doodling in the margins of papers throughout school lmfao, it didn't hurt! that's my saga.

oh and that footnote, i also really enjoyed the "in middle school you either take language classes or 4 Electives you rotate through each year" and those electives sure featured some more varied and hands on activities i had a great time with. shoutout to like, cooking, and to shop class, my Car Designs were great apparently, idk how. shoutout to my Intuition re: engineering or something lmaoo.....very fun to just end the schoolday in that big garage space where you could actually open that garage door right to where all the buses were, beautiful. Oh, and that's another footnote, when my last class of the day in 8th grade was english, i'd sometimes finish work early and my teacher would let me go to our spacious library, with the v nice librarian who'd recommend books to me she thought should be checked out more often b/c she knew i liked to read that much, and also just generally had teachers / other adult staff kinda wandering in at the end of the day, talk about "i don't really relate to other ppl my age" where i did generally prefer to be around adults, so that was fun. oh and also shoutout to hating school lmao wherein during like, middle school when the schoolday started at like 7:30am or smthing disgusting and i just learned to like, view whatever time it was in a "at least it's almost [x]" like well okay, first period is math and that kinda sucks but at least once it's over this hardest part of the day will be over, then next class is kinda more chill at least, and then it'll be the last period before lunch, etc etc etc where i could sort of keep up that stamina like telling myself at any point it was Almost [a more encouraging time of day] lmao like. kinda fucked up to have to be dragging yourself through the weekdays like that, but

Oh! goddamn and i didn't even get into that if i ever got in ~trouble~ in elementary school it was stuff like Not Paying Attention, but where half the time that might be some other kid beside me messing around lmfao and i'm not gonna be like "uhhh follow the rules!!!" (and that even when i was In Trouble like go sit in the chair where you have to be quiet there for like 10 min i might say something to some other kid in that zone and they'd be like "um it's the quiet chair you have to be quiet!!" or "uh we're getting into the next lesson and you have to put that book back asap" like wow these other kids are dweebs about Rules lmfao) and there'd just be times like, it's 1st grade and i know how to read pretty well already but we're going over the alphabet like stoppp i know the Phonics already........or the ways ND people can kind of Intuit some stuff more successfully, like in third grade learning multiplication i neverrrrr studied but just broke it down like, okay i remember the Fives b/c of telling time, i know the 2x table and stuff, i know the commutative property, if we're all the way at the 8x and i haven't Memorized stuff, i can still like, break it down to say, [5 x 8] + [8 x 2] or something when i see 8 x 7, even if it takes a second lmfao.......and stuff like the tragedy of when i Did make a friend in like, 2nd grade, who i think we didn't even talk to each other ever?? i was playing legos or smthing by myself once during Indoor Recess and she just started playing agreeably along with me, aka someone socializing on My Terms apparently as our Introduction, and we just were friends past that but one time, not even during a Lesson Session, we were messing around quietly making each other laugh as the incredibly important process of "put papers in your folders" was going on, and since we were Not Paying Attention for some reason the teacher made a whole example of it where i had to carry my desk across the classroom for the Shaming Element of it and also so that i had to permanently sit way further from that friend, so that was kind of discouragement re: interacting at all. thank you to that teacher, who'd later once Gesticulate to me from across the gym that i should put my arms down at my sides rather than being crossed (we were rehearsing some class performance) & i had no idea what she was trying to convey, so afterwards she told me i had to have Reduced Recess Time or some shit because of Ignoring her instead of putting my arms down lmfao. and i was irritated at having been misinterpreted / my Intentions dictated to me and punished like that, but i was also used to it from adults lmfao and did not bother explaining myself lol like yeah god forbid i left my arms crossed on purpose and now i have to read some more during recess. tl;dr school has so much nonsense & i def had some Times re: being autistic & also just being someone who hated school forever lmao, think it was Also 2nd grade where one arbitrary sunday night i just cried out of frustration at having to go back for another normal school week. classic. oh and that also, while i wasn't like "oooo booksmart people who hate not having a Definitive Correct Answer to things &/or ohhh autistic ppl So Good at math, in a way everyone hates and disrespects, but they suck at Literature/Arts which requires you to reflect on humanity and shit," like, not only was i the drawing kid but i was also apparently ahead of the curve as it were at like, Literary Analysis lmfao where there was a few times in elementary school i'd be the kid providing the Interpretation like "what's this poem about / what's the theme or Symbolism in this story," but from elementary school to college it's like, for god's sake don't ask me to come up with a story / work with some really open ended prompt, i don't Invent in that way, and when i try to draw on Inspiration i'll get stuck on some specific source and be unable to do anything but just rip it off really lmao. but then again i was prolific in "it's 1st grade and you write and illustrate a little short story or smthing in these booklets

that we then have a simple little binding process for" like ohhh fancy, i got a tootsie roll lollipop at Awards Time for writing a shit ton of those lol. but that's like, when you're too young to have that much of a Creative Process anyways lmao. but then, my older sister, whose Thing was writing, has an incredible 2 Volume like, noir mystery saga from those elementary school times, it's a classic lmao. anyways once again so much to say about School lol closing the door after meandering on that one for this long lol

April 6th: Are you able to drive? If so, was it difficult to learn? What was difficult about it? If not, do you use any alternatives?

i did learn to drive, tbh just universally it's like, at any point you're driving there's A Lot to pay attention to at once, even if you think you're Good At That or whatever, which i sure don't think i always am lol, and it's pretty wild we just, you know, let everyone go around as fast as they want in machines that can kill you or someone else, and this is also Unnecessary b/c like, let's have accessible & reliable public transit so that everyone can travel without Needing to have a car / someone else who will drive them. i didn't think i had too much trouble learning to drive, but it had to help that i just took it very seriously from the start lmao like, well, i'm quite aware i could kill someone with this. the driving classes i took were alright, i remember the instructor being pretty chill and friendly lol. rip to the fact i could be tense when driving with parent/s, when driving a manual i'd always like screech the tires when accelerating out of a Stop, until all at once it was like "and i'm driving that manual car alone on a road trip & wouldn't you know it, only literally once did i have that issue of not getting out of a stop smoothly enough" lmao like the Anxiety......really like yeah i had an alright time learning and think i'm solid enough at driving / like doing it, theoretically, but Driving Is Wild just in general and let's have that public transit

April 7th: How are you with sarcasm and/or metaphors/figures of speech? Do you interpret things very literally?

i think i Usually get what people mean with these Devices but i can't really say lol, but anytime you know, someone is being more Implicit in what they say, plenty of times i can infer one implication and only later realize they probably meant a different one, or yknow, i make whatever initial inference i make and can be stuck like "???" and have to like, mentally run diagrams about the interaction lol......meanwhile i'm not always remembering that like, if i'm shifting context mentally that's necessarily able to be inferred by whoever i'm talking to lol, whether it's about getting into some adjacent topic or like, i don't think it tends to be very clear even in person when i've started being sarcastic lmao, like i know that can be true for anyone but it's like well, guess i gotta make it clearer i'm doing a bit......flipside of that or something lmao that people are more Obvious than they think they are sometimes about like, idk, when someone is sort of making some sarcastic remark to you but the sarcasm is also sort of only to themself, aka just like okay i know you mean this more dismissively / disparagingly than re: what you're saying just at face value lol like. just always fun >:/

[savvysexworker]

FAQs

Since I started my OnlyFans a few weeks ago, I’ve gotten literal hundreds of messages asking for advice on how to get one started, how to market, how to be safe, etc. Well, ask and you shall receive. 

Q: How can I be anonymous on OF? 

A: I recommend, especially to people going into healthcare or other professional fields, do NOT show your face or any identifying features. It isn’t worth the risk. I personally chose OnlyFans as my platform because it allows you to not show your face in your content, unlike a lot of cam sites. This makes sense, because cam sites want to cut down on human trafficking as much as possible. I wanted to remain as anonymous as possible and therefore, I cover a unique scar that is visible in a lot of my content and I never show my face. The key here is plausible deniability if your employer or parents or whoever finds your account- if there is plausible deniability that the account or content is yours, they don’t have a leg to stand on. Also for your own safety- you don’t necessarily want to be recognized as an online sex worker in your town or city. 

Q: Do I need to give them my information?

A: Yes. OF requires a picture of your face along with your government issued photo ID to be able to confirm that you are who you say you are and you are of legal age to be making adult content. They also require you to fill out a W-9 for tax purposes and add your bank info for direct deposit. Your info will NOT be posted on the site, so you do not have to perform or make content under your legal name.

Q: How do the taxes work?

A: Honestly not sure... not a tax expert here by any means. They will send you a 1099 form at some point for you to do your taxes. I use TurboTax. OF takes 20% of your earnings, but you DO still need to pay taxes on your remaining 80%. For this reason, I am personally choosing to put every cent into a savings account to 1. make it easier on myself to do taxes for later and 2. keep it separate from the rest of my money.

Q: What do you put on your OF?

A: OF is generally an adult site- so lewds and nudes from most content creators. However, some fitness folks use it for fitness shit. I recommend putting implied nudes/lingerie pics/bikini pics etc on your main timeline and then offering more explicit content in your private messages. You can set a price per pic or video, which the fan must pay before they can view it. This is a great way to earn extra cash aside from relying on tips and subscriptions. 

Q: How do I find subscribers?

A: this is an excellent question and it’s one that I haven’t figured out completely, either. I made my OF account at the encouragement of a medtwitter member who had been buying my nudes for a while, and then it sat for a few weeks without me logging in again. I forgot about it until I went on a feminist rant about sex work and then accidentally mentioned it and my DMs were suddenly flooded. Since then, I have made another twitter solely dedicated to sex work and kink shit. The bulk of my subscribers come from word of mouth among men who already subscribe or through my main twitter, which works for me because I am anonymous on there as well. I have heard that reddit is a good place to attract followers too. I personally do not allow people that know my real name, workplace, etc. know about my OF. 

Q: Do you think this could have repercussions in the future?

A: It absolutely could, which is why I stress anonymizing yourself so much. I personally know two women who were fired from their jobs, one being a lawyer, for softcore porn they did several years before. One lost her marriage over it as well. You absolutely are taking a risk, so be careful and be smart about it. While I believe that sex work IS work and should be seen as a legitimate way to make money and thrive, most of the world does not. Always keep that in mind.

Q: How did you get started with sex work?

A: When I was probably around 15, I started going to rave parties with friends, back when warehouse parties were a thing and EDM and house music weren’t mainstream. I saw the girls dancing in their sexy outfits and knew I wanted to do that eventually, so I signed up for a go-go dancing class during my senior year of high school (18 years old) and ended up on a dance team that worked with many rave promoters and concert venues to provide their dance entertainment. I branched out to nightclubs and overall had an amazing experience- I danced for 7 years. While it didn’t involve taking my clothes off like stripping does, I learned a ton about sex work and became very comfortable with my body. 

Q: What if I don’t feel comfortable doing something that someone asks?

A: If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t do it. This is your body, your platform, your playing field, and YOU are in control of what you do with that. Never let someone pressure you into doing something you don’t want to, even if there’s a big price tag. Also never give out your personal information to someone on OF, because not everyone has the same intentions as you. Be safe. Be smart. Be empowered to do what you want to do and make money doing shit you were probably doing anyway (sending nudes to fuckboys for free). 

[houseofvans]

SKETCHY BEHAVIORS | INTERVIEW WITH LAUREN YS

From large scale murals to multi-layered works on canvas, LA based artist Lauren YS’s art captures everything from the female experience, addressing topics like sexuality, death, aliens, monsters, and the occult. Her works are complex much like her own experiences, so we’re super stoked to find out more about what drives her, who and what inspires her, and what challenges and advice she has for our readers in this awesome Sketchy Behaviors interview..

Take the leap!

Photographs courtesy of the artist. 

Introduce yourself. Hey! I’m Lauren YS - Hmm, something you might not know … I used to play ice hockey and my favorite candy are Peach O’s. I am a really good listener, but that also means I hate being interrupted. I dream, often, about being underwater.

Tell folks a little about your artwork and what do you love to make works about? I make work about the female experience, sexuality, identity, space, aliens, heritage, death, monsters, nature, emotions, natural phenomena, the occult and whatever else I might be obsessing about. I like slimy creatures, kitsch, psychedelia, sex and Halloween, and mixing repulsion with attraction. I want the viewer to feel unsettled as much as engaged. I make things in an effort to try to process the beautiful shit rocket that is the world around me.

When did art become something you were aware you could do for a living or as a career you wanted to pursue? I have always been making art, but I never thought it was possible to support oneself as an artist: It seemed really out of reach or surreal. It wasn’t until I had already been fully freelance for a year before I realized I was actually doing it. I think it’s just something that comes out of necessity, it’s like – if I want to keep making art as much as possible at the rate I am living, then damn, I’m going to learn how to make money off of it.

What’s a typical studio day for you like? I tend to work nocturnally. I’ll paint through the night and sleep through the day and watch horror movies, listen to podcasts about art, serial killers and cults, and eat anywhere from 1-2 sacks of tangerines every day. I like to really plow through paintings as well, it’s hard for me to stop working on something once I start. After about three weeks in the studio like this, your mind starts to wander off into deep strange places, and that’s when the really good stuff comes out.

What’s your studio or creative space like? What do you keep around to constantly motivate or inspire you? I have always worked best in a bit of “artistic chaos”–I like to fill my space with odds and ends, knick-knacks, items from my travels, talismans. I believe in the power of objects. I love my lava lamp and need to buy seven more. I also have this drawing I made of an Asian grandma screaming “DRAW, MOTHERFUCKER” which I plan to make into a screen print and give to all my artist friends.

When working on a body of paintings and works for a show, what is your process like? How long does it typically take you to complete a painting from start to finish? Depending on the size of the gallery, it can take anywhere from 2-6-10 months to create a show, given that it is often punctuated by mural tours and big projects to pay the bills. I like to work on lots of pieces at the same time, so generally it’ll take a few days to a week or two to finish a piece. I am trying to get better at reworking pieces rather than just pushing through them one by one. Workflow is still sorting itself out. I also make a ton of pieces that end up being nixed from the final show. I am very prolific but also very psychotic.

Not only do you work on canvas, but you are also known for some of your amazing murals! When did you start going from painting on a regular scale to large scale works? What’s your process like for mapping out these large works? Well shucks, thank you! I started painting murals around 2013, which was a sort of natural transition because I wanted to work bigger and bigger, I wanted to travel and be in the sun and use giant machines to make my art. I actually started learning color from using spray paint. I freehand everything because I like to feel independent of projectors or machines, especially if I’m in a foreign country or don’t have time or resources.

It makes me feel empowered to be able to make big things on my own. Maybe that comes from growing up under the common experience girls have, especially asian girls, where you’re expected to be small and quiet and obedient. I have always worked in active aggression against that stereotype.

Is there a medium you’d love to get your hands on, but yet to have the chance too? And what are your go-to materials? I’d really love to learn how to use an airbrush, a la Sorayama. Outside of 2D I am dying to get back into stop motion animation. My favorite brand of spray paint is Montana Black (high pressure forever!), and I use a wide variety of acrylics and gouache in my paintings, specifically the Holbein gouaches from Japan.

What do you love about where you live, and what is the art community like in your area? I never thought I’d move to LA, but I’ve been really enjoying it here. I’m a communal living person (been in and out of communities for about 9 years) and I am lucky to have found somewhere that fits with my work ethic (intense) and social vibe (weird). I like to be able to work alone while still having people bustling around and making things all the time. It helps me to feel like I’m not dead or a total solipsist.

I’ve also found that the artists in LA–especially the female artists–have proven to be really kind, generous and welcoming. There’s a lot of room for weirdos here; it might take a while to find them, but they’re here. We also have a one-eyed cat, did I mention that?

Who are some artists you’re inspired by and have influenced you throughout the years? I’m a big fan of dark/psychedelic/erotic artists like Keiichi Tanaami, Suehiro Maruo, Sorayama and the whole Ero Guro movement. I also love Goya’s dark paintings and the sculpture work of Bernini. Some contemporary artists I’ve been into lately are Christian Rex Van Minnen, David Altmejd, Robin Francesca Williams and the fabric sculptures of Do Ho-Suh. Jamie Hewlett, Swoon, Andrew Hem, Aryz. I find that my taste changes constantly and I am always thirsty for different influences.

What’s been the most challenging part of your art career? What’s been the most rewarding? What do you do to keep the balance? Something really challenging has been learning how to trust myself while growing in the industry and balancing business, work and travel. It’s a really solid test: moving to a new city, providing for yourself, going on tour, shifting from place to place, managing gallery work and mural work, all while protecting and nurturing your own ambition and positivity, and not feed into the shitstorm of capitalism and social media past what is required of you.

The muralist life is not for the faint of heart. I would hardly say that I keep any type of “balance”–art is my life and there isn’t much room for anything else, and that’s how I like it. It is the most rewarding thing to look around and feel like you’ve created something new and good and powerful, all on your own terms. It is similarly rewarding to feel the need to level up - I enjoy feeling stressed arguably more than I enjoy feeling accomplished.

What would your dream collaboration be? What do you enjoy most about collaborations with other artists or clients? I would love to do something with Takashi Murakami and/or his gallery (Kaikai Kiki Gallery). There’s also this amazing Australian animator named Felix Colgrave whose work I’ve been obsessed with lately, I’d love to find a way to make an animated short with him! I love collaborating - especially on mural work - because it’s such a cool experience to be able to intermingle your visual world with someone else’s. Working with ONEQ in Hawaii this year was really great, she had so many suggestions and ideas from out of left field that made me rethink my own work as well. It also forces you to relinquish some control on the way you work, and reflect on the basic joys of making shit in the first place.

If you could paint a portrait of anyone living or dead, who would you choose and why? I really want to do a tripped out portrait of Yayoi Kusama or Bjork or maybe Steve Buscemi—all heroes of mine.

What’s your advice to folks who see what you do and want to pursue art as a career? I would say, go at it as hard as you possibly can! Make sure you really enjoy doing it! Not all parts of painting murals are glamorous (actually, few are) and it’s important to truly love every part of it if you’re going to commit your life to it.

This means: hustling walls, handling machinery, travel, people, logistics, finding somewhere to pee, dealing with unexpected bullshit, not complaining, being comfortable handling yourself in dangerous situations, being independent and resourceful, etc. I have reservations about artists who genuinely don’t seem to enjoy all the elements of mural painting going too deep into it. But if it’s something you love, there’s nothing better.

What are your FAVORITE Vans? I’ve been rocking the classic authentic Vans in black/burgundy as paint shoes for years now. But I also love the Sk8-Hi boys in burgundy… I never wear them because I’m too scared to get paint on them, haha!

What other artists would you love to see interviewed for Sketchy Behaviors? I’m currently really into Andrea Wan, Louise Zhang and Caratoes. It would also be really cool if you covered a GNC or trans artist, like Nomi Chi or Laughing Loone!

What’s next for you that you can share? My first book is coming out this year with Von Zos, and I’m also going to be designing a tarot deck with them. April is my first mural tour in several months; I’ll be hopping from Australia - Guam - Peru, and then moving around South America for a while, trying to practice my spanish. After that, I’ll be starting work on my next big show, scheduled for a city in Asia, which I’m really, really excited about - keep an eye out!

FOLLOW LAUREN YS | WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM | SHOP

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTER LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 7

when will one of these chapters start with ‘wow murphy’s gonna love this and rly enjoy themself’ WHEN IT IS. I HAVE TO KNOW.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

okay i am Recognising this chapter so we’re not quite yet in untouched, completely Feral territory which is. nice. thats nice. i like it when i know what im working w/ but who the kell hnows.

Something nagged at her. A forgotten thing. She thought hard, but even so, it took a long moment for her to remember.

me when i go to my room to fetch my dishes for the washing machine but i get sidetracked by my dog being cute and then i forget and go back downstairs and remember the dishes and then i come back up but my dog is still there and i forget again-

i’m just. rly enjoying this glynda. I SAID IT BEFORE BUT IM RLY THRIVING FOR THIS IDIOT WITH ONE BRAINCELL. THE BRAINCELL IS CINDER.

Glynda’s hunting instincts were primed, the only part of her that worked with absolute clarity, even now.

this is why she hasn’t noticed cinder’s flirting, the fool, the blithering idiot,

In the split second before she faded from consciousness, she smelled ash, the foreign Aura within her flaring until she could taste it: burning flesh and steady decay. Then it disappeared, fizzling out.

hm. is it a callout to say this is. romantic. this is kinda romantic. hey is this? gay? i think its gay. im gonna settle on it.

its gay.

When she awoke the next morning, it was like pulling herself from some great void,

H👈A😎H👈

for some reason THAT was the fingergun that made me spill juice all over my keyboard i see how it is

Then she remembered that at Beacon, her blood usually stayed inside her body.

im thriving for this weird observation. you know when you wake up somewhere new like a hotel or smthng and for a moment yr like ‘where am i’ and u figure it out thru like. normal fucking means. like oh thats not my duvet oh thats not my ceiling oh thats not where my window is-

and then glynda has to judge her location by how much blood of hers is spilled in it. this bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE GOT ONE BRAINCELL AND OFFAL HUNT IS THE THESIS TO PROVE IT-

It was the room she’d all but dissembled in after getting her ass kicked and then saved by Cinder Fall.

sorry im going HOG WILD on quotes but these new lines r SO GOOD and im LIVING for them....................... like until now we’ve had glynda goodwitch, terrifying unstoppable woman and occasional dipshit. now shes all dipshit. just 100% pure dipshit. spread her on a field and you couldnt tell her from the manure. a complete buffoon.

that said its nice to see glynda using her Brainmess for once... i mean she still wont be able to put an otherwise fuck-ton of clues together still because that requires, the ability to multitask, which is surely does not have, but finally she’s taking five fuckin minutes to let herself go ‘well THATS weird’.

There had only been a stirring of life along those red-vein tattoos, swirling just along the cut of Cinder’s dress.

im enjoying the new ‘sexey tattoos’ slant we’re seein in this remaster it was a real shame they didnt get primetime attention last time.

also glynda Why Ya Lookin,

Hello,

she’d be a heretic to the Law of Semblances twice-over,

I May Not Know My Semblances, But I Know A Bitch When I See One!

For the first time in years, Glynda wanted to set everything aside and rest.

we stan a sleepy bitch................ ugh im so glad she’s finally realising she needs 2 give herself some mfing slack!!!!!!!!!!!!!! because as much as im enjoying the Dragfest she rly needs to. chill.

When she finally emerged from the bathroom, a towel around her waist and her dirty clothes balled in her hands,

look i didnt make this blog to lie that my first reaction to this was tilting my head and going ‘tiddy out? tiddy? is the tiddy out? tiddy?’

look women look hotter doing all the things guys do and this is fact i wont sit down and i Wont Shut Up

No more rushing ahead and getting herself torn up for nothing.

H👈A😎H👈!

thats a Good One, Glynda,

Winter Schnee had the pale white hair of her bloodline, and the sharp features of the famously reclusive Willow Schnee.

YES BITCH WE ARE IN IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! POP THOSE MFING BOTTLES

i have been WAITING. FOR WEEKS. 7 FUCKING WEEKS I HAVE SAT HERE AND WAITED AND IT FINALLY PAID OFF OH MY GOD MY BITCH IS IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As Ozpin had said, she was twice the age of the younger Schnee daughter, and her blue eyes held all the acuity that age had brought her.

i made a Sound at this i CAN SEE WHAT YOU DID. I SEE IT. I SEE IT,

A single photo hung on the wall next to a placard detailing some kind of award. Glynda pushed her glasses up on her nose to get a better look. Though it had the appearance of a family photo, only the women of the Schnee family were present, Willow and Weiss flanking a newly ranked Winter.

why am i being targeted directly anyway

safdjhgfsdajgh WINTER,....... im still. im Love w/ this main bitch finally... Finally.... i love winter in offal hunt so fuckign much and im so glad she’s here and that we’re getting more details because AAAAAAAAAAAAAA i love her!!!!!!!!!

also i cant.... say anything because spoilers..... but also............. NNNNNNN this convo has just. so much behind it. SO MUCH CONTEXT. its Killing Me,

A strange expression crossed Winter’s expression. It looked like how bruises felt.

im losing my fucking mind rn diesel and kc are going right to hell and they know it but do they care???????????? no. they already are the devil,

okay i went silent for ages and read ahead because i screamed in discord for like ten minutes and it looked like this

so YEAH theres that, i guess,

Instead, it only filled her with deep unease. Glynda didn't know what Cinder’s game was, but it was becoming clear that it did not align with her own. And the more she thought about it, the less she understood. The less she understood, the more wary she became.

cinder: i wanted to tell this girl i liked her so i wrote her a note that said get out of my desert,

im rly thrivin in this chap i already said it but we’re rly jumping into the meat n bones of the Plot now and its a Good Plot so im excited!!!!!!!!!

“Yes, I think you’ll like her!”

“she’s a lesbian, like you, so maybe her distinguished energy will chill your dysfunctional energies out-”

Glynda pressed her lips; she needed a delicate hand here, needed to carefully choose a response which would divert Ozpin away from the topic. “No reason.”

YES MY FAV LINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is Big Me and literally this is MAYBE the best and also funniest line in this entire shitshow remembers the Pasta Bit and /sweats

i also rly enjoy glynda n ozs friendship... i mean im out here remembering the glynda/ozpin/cinder fic so i was already sold on all their interactions but its rly good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GLYNDAS BEST FRIEND MAY BE 200 YEARS OLD BUT GOD DAMN IT WHEN WILL YR BFF EVER BE THERE FOR U LIKE THAT,

theres a Bit here im not gonna go into but. honestly once u kno how offal hunt basically ends? Its Sad and Im Sad. i hate how knowing this whole thing just inflects on everything else and everything glynda wants and honestly this whole fic sucks. why am i reading this AGAIN.

“I have faith in you, Glynda. But there are terrible things that can be done to a person even without killing them.”

👈😢👈

we’ve popped the first sad fingerguns but also What The Literal Fuck, Oz,

“Come and catch me, then.”  

im LAUGHING this is much better than the first version because this is SUCH a cinder-brand of shit to say dsfjhgfds she’s SUCH A SHIT-STIRRER but i love her,

“She’s just sent me something. My Scroll is working fine, but I think it’s safe to assume she knows what we’re discussing.”

“What did she send you?”

“An invitation.”

oh finally glynda works out the whole CCT business JHGDSFSDF i wonder if cinder knew shed figure it out or saw her msgs to oz and went ‘ah shit well’

BUT YEAH..... DATE! DATE! DATE! HOT DATE WITH CINDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am. VERY excited as many of u will remember i made a prime shitpost abt That Chap back in the day and ill have 2 REDRAW IT!!!!!!!!! POPPIN BOTTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway this chapter sucked and was also very good in equal measure. as it is Wont,

[themarginalartist]

I'm curious, why did you choose coding as a career? Did you like it from the start, or did it grew on you over time? I just heard it's really frustrating, but I imagine you like it, right? What do you like about coding? Sorry if it's too many questions it's just an area way out of my league XD

It pays good money lol.

I’m actually looking to lean more towards Project Management, which still pays really well, but requires less coding from me and puts my leadership training that I’ve done to good use lol. I’ll be graduating next May with a BA in Computer Science and a minor in Management of Information Systems.

I didn’t have coding in mind until literally my senior year of high school, I took AP computer science, with zero coding knowledge under my belt at the time lol. My dad’s actual a Computer Science major as well and works in the industry, so he’s helped me during that AP class and on other things as well. Obviously I have to do the work myself or I don’t learn and he’s good at asking the right questions to get me down the right thinking path lol.

I do enjoy coding, but I hate doing the school version of it. Many assignments, which do have reasons for being the way they are and are important, absolutely suck to do. My favorites (which also can be the most frustrating) are when we do games like Breakout or Battleship. Most assignments early on are fine, usually small, teaching you basics and stuff. But later on you find yourself literally writing an Excel like program (which I never got mine fully working heh…) and writing the filesystem commands to function as if you were using it normally on a Linux computer but you’re running a C program. (And that program can actually legit delete things and stuff? So like it is 100% important to know how to not delete things you want to keep, including the actual computer).

I’ve also been granted a lot of opportunities because of choosing coding. I went to the Grace Hopper Celebration for Women in Technology in 2016, all paid for by the school. It’s a huge conference which has about 15,000 attendees each year, hundreds of companies which you can talk to representatives about the company and do interviews, and tons of free junk lol (I have a pic of my collection lol). I’ve also attended my school’s Hackathon each year except this past one (something else was going on that weekend and I couldn’t) which I’ve won prizes at twice. My first year I was a finalist for the main coding competition (I think the guy I was working with and I placed 5th?) and the second I won a category which was implementing Amazon Web Services or tools in some way which I was using Amazon Lumberyard, which is a game development engine (Which was very hard to use btw, I think it’s gotten a bit better with more learning tools but Unity is way better with tutorials and learning materials).

It’s 100% frustrating, but google and my whiteboard are my besties, and talking with others about things helps a lot. It’s a very logical and methodical field but it also takes creativity to come up with the solution. And for all my complaining and whining about it I do still enjoy plenty of different aspects (though I’m never touching autopilot shit again after my senior project is over and not even gonna think about AI because that shit requires soooo much high level crazy math, I mean not that other things don’t require crazy math, but there’s easier crazy math and then there’s that).

My favorite classes have been about algorithm analysis. I have a professor I’ve taken three classes with (who sadly I can’t take any more because the next one is a grad student class and I don’t need that stress lol). I actually enjoy a lot of the theory, even if I’m uh… not knowledgeable about the math in some spots.

I’d love to end up in the game industry, more along the story telling side, but I’m gonna be taking a less direct route, I’ll either be an entry level coder or entry level project manager. It’s much easier to get into what you really want after you’ve gotten actually in.

And no worries! I’m always happy to answer things about coding, no matter how aggravating my own path has been, I fully believe in supporting anyone who wants to give it a shot. It’s an incredibly important field and becoming more and more important for people to know things about. It’s rocks being electrified and told this series of 0’s and 1’s means this lol. And I’d equate it to learning musical instruments, it’s another language you’re learning to read and write (well languages, but most languages follow some basic things and stuff so they can do most of the same things it’s just they have areas they specialize in).

[choerrypuffs]

jdndjgkejjf miss lana- i would be lying if i said i dont check your profile everyday to see if you answered me but lets not go there-

KANG!! MINHEE!! AND SONG!! HYEONGJUN!!! Yes omg cravity js so famous because of them fjsnjgnejgnd

:0000 what was the pharmacy thing like? my mom wants me to be a pharmacist or a doctor and like ??? Maybe??? they have a good wage no? JFNSJFNEJ AAAA ENGLISH THATS SO COOL 🤯🤯 i hope you can be A PROFESSOR AAAAA 🤞🤞🤞🤞

my sister is majoring in communications and she has so many job opportunities like ??? Shes interning at a company as a graphic designer???? but shes a commutations major huh ???? ive benn considering that but im so awkward its painful😪😭 i cant talk to someone without stuttering and I CAN NOT!! MAINTAIN!!! EYE CONTACT!!!!! Its so intimidating 😤

lowkey wanna be a surgeon and like see the insides of a random person but thats so hard 😭😭 AND THATS SO MANY YEARS OF HARD STUDYING LIKE I WANT TO GO CRAZY AND DO ALL THAT YOUNG ADULT STUFF RN BUT NO MU GRADES HAVE TO STAY UP SO I JUST STICK TO SIMPING OVER KOREAN DUDES (haechan 🥴🥴🥴🥴) AND TRYING TO STUDY HARD 🤕🤕🤕🤕

sorry for the long ass ask 😘😘

- ccsa anon 😎

FJAFJOIEWAOI IM SO SORRY I’VE BEEN SO BUSY BC IT’S THE END OF THE SEMESTER SO ALL MY PAPERS ARE DUE AND FINALS WEEK IS COMING UP TOO SO I’VE BARELY HAD ANY TIME TO CHECK TUMBLR 🤧

me @ kang minhee and song hyeongjun

but i am sure they are very talented and lovely and deserve all the success 🥰

LMAO well my memories of pre-pharm are very different from others bc i SUCK ASS at chemistry 💀i had a 4.0 in high school until i took chemistry and i got a c 🗿 if you’re good at stem subjects, you’ll be fine! i heard orgo chem is a killer tho, not that i stuck around long enough to find out 🤪 but yes pharmacists make a shit ton of $$$ 🤑 tysm!! i really hope so too 🤞

omg yeah i bet communications has a lot of job offers since basically every job requires good communication skills !! public speaking used to be a required class for everyone in my uni but they got rid of that and let us choose which comm class we wanted thank god 🤩 i ended up taking interpersonal communications which was so much better!! i highly recommend you take it if you have the option of picking!

i did a summer program during my junior year of hs where we shadowed different departments of a hospital and i got to see a couple of surgeries!! it was such a cool experience !!!! but yeah lmao that’s like 10+ years of school so you gotta know for sure if you wanna do it or not 🥴 tbh any job in the medical field takes a lot of time BUTTTTT you save lives and make a lot of money while you do it so why not

NO DON’T APOLOGIZE I LOVE LONG ASKS 💗💗💗

[chryseumaureus]

/rant about university admissions and life

i am just really tired of everything. for the last 3 months, i have been mentally dragged from a point of hope to a point of desperation daily in and out, just waiting for university admissions results. i am generally anxious by nature and while i never had a panic attack, it doesn’t mean that my heart isn’t palpitating quickly or my brain isn’t busy trying to run through every variable and factor that could compromise my application.

didn’t intend on applying for university this year but several people around me insisted and like the person i am, i am easily influenced by my environment. from someone who did not care about whether i got a place, i changed into someone who constantly checks her inbox daily to see if there is any hope in getting a chance at an interview for university admissions.

nope. first a rejection from ntu, then nus and smu. i am tired. half my brain is telling me that not securing a spot in either of those universities means that i am not as intellectually inclined as those who entered; not as capable. my friends tell me otherwise and thats where the other half of my brain tells me that it’s alright to not receive a place in the universities because i can always try again next year. however, what are the odds that i will receive an offer next year? what guarantee do i have that i will receive an offer the following year? that aside, i graduated with a diploma in business studies and something i really regretted is not having the foresight in 2016 to choose something else. to explore other options. i don’t regret my 3 years, but some days i just wished there was a way for prospective students to try everything, y’know? a day in the life of someone who does science, engineering, designing, business, music, etc. i hate that singapore has this stigma that students must always score all As in order to be SMART, to be CAPABLE. our education system is good, i admit, but that insane amount of stress on every student to do well and the feeling of falling behind or not being good enough when we DON’T DO WELL sucks big time and is seriously detrimental to our physical and mental health.

there is also the stigma where not having a degree equates not being able to find a job. go overseas to study? study in a private institution? i would, but i am poor. it would take so long to earn the amount needed for overseas education, not that it is really a choice since i have to take care of my aging parents. private institutions? there is a stigma that those aren’t as recognised in the local scene. do i believ that? not really. am i influenced by it? yes. ._.

i thought i could build a foundation in business with my diploma, and take up a degree in other fields. guess not.. currently second guessing pursuing business as an education. right now, i want to simultaneously do everything and do nothing. nothing because i have no direction in which i want to pursue. everything because by trying everything, i will know how it is like to pursue the fields of my interest and i can make a definite choice in what i want to do. 

in the case i pursue a business education, what is the guarantee that i can find a job? what meaning can i find in my job? inititally i took the course also because i wanted to explore other areas of business, see if there is anything else i like besides accounting. the only other thing i liked studying was marketing/marketing communications, design (user experience design) and business analytics. i learnt that anything that does not hold my interest likely translates into a bad grade because i just could not bring myself to understand it. then i went for a finance internship and completed regretted it and never wanted to do finance or accounting because it was so mind numbingly boring. so really: why the hell did i do a diploma in business? i don’t have any legitimate skills aside from presentations and calculations. i only wished i knew this in 2016, so that i would not have chosen this course.

i also wished i stopped following everyone’s whims. follow where people go. i am not a person who stands out and i never had much independence and i realise that now. i need to do something for myself; fight for whatever i choose to believe and study in. except i am so extremely lost and i can totally hear my brother chiding me in my brain “i told you so. you should have gone to JC. see la now you don’t even have a place to go” (don’t even know if that is what he will actually say, given his personality, or if its just my brain hearing his contempt from previous interactions and warping it.) anyway, i am so lost and confused and i don’t know where to direct my attentions at. i just hope for once, i make the right decisions. people say that everything you do requires a reason and that reason must have solid backing. sorry - i’ve always relied on my intuition and i just hope this time, it is one of those times i read my intuition right. because i don’t know what i will do if it doesn’t.

feels like i am 3 years late in doing this. very frustrated with everything. i know i can do great things as long as i put my mind to, but i only have how many years in my youth to experience real life and i cant spend it trying everything because i would not have the finances to do it, or to focus and excel on that one thing. i can’t do everything but i sure have a heck ton of shit i wanna try. i just dont know how or where to start. if you have some advice, dm me or reply to this. thank you for even reading part of this - i probably sound very annoying and whiny...

had another thought: how do i find a career that gives me a good pay, gives me purpose and is helpful to the society? i don’t frelling believe i can’t find my dream job. i’ll just have to be patient in hunting for it, don’t i? :”)

[emerygoat26-blog]

What the Heck is Going on at AnthonyColpo.com?

Ladies and gentlemen,

A month or two ago I locked up most of the articles on this website, in anticipation of turning it into a paid membership-only affair. My original plan was to do this with a minimum of fuss and carry-on, and to simply announce to my newsletter subscribers when the transition was complete. Those who wished to subscribe would be given information on how to do so, and those who didn’t think my content was worth paying for would be duly wished “Good night and good luck!”

However, the transition has taken longer than expected, mainly because a little thing called “life” keeps getting in the way. Bloody hell, life, why must you be so obstinate? Yes, while many readers seem to think I sit at my computer all day, enjoying a leisurely life of smoking cigars, drinking cognac and eating cannolis while some mysterious billionaire benefactor pays me to answer people’s questions and write free articles, the reality is somewhat different.

Actually, it’s a lot different.

Anyway, as a result of the delay, I’m getting an increasing number of emails that read something like this:

“Hi Anthony,

greetings from the Caribbean! I’ve been searching for your awesome article titled “The Night I Partied With a Room Full of Miss Spain Contestants” but I can no longer find it. When I click on the link it now just brings up an empty page. By using the information in that article, particularly the section describing your interaction with Miss Mallorca, I was able to score a date with a stunning Miss Trinidad and Tobago contestant. We hit it off real well, and we are now happily married and my beautiful wife recently gave birth to a healthy baby boy! All thanks to you!

However, I am now in something of a quandary. As I celebrated my son’s birth, smoking cigars, drinking cognac, and eating imported cannolis with my billionaire friends, a thought suddenly hit me: When my son grows up, I want him to have the benefit of the knowledge imparted in your article, so he too can one day marry a beauty queen and have a son who will also marry a beauty queen, who will also have a son who will marry a beauty queen, and so on.

However, the article is now offline, and my dream of pairing up my son, his son, his son’s son, and so on, with stunning beauty queens is now looking decidedly shaky. What happened to this article? Can you please put it back online? PLEASE!

Kindest regards,

Ricky Ricard.”

To all you folks who have sent emails like this, now you know why most of the articles on my website have seemingly vanished (there are about two dozen or so articles that can still be freely accessed).

As to why I am switching up the format of my website to one where paid access will be required to access most of the current and all future content, there are two main reasons:

Main Reason One (1): Writing detailed, thoroughly-researched and fully-referenced articles and freely posting them on the Internet is no longer financially viable. In fact, looking back, it was never financially viable. However, a somewhat naive sense of altruism kept me doing it, despite a little voice in my head often asking me: “What the fuck are you doing? It’s a nice day outside, turn off the computer and go for a ride, for chrissakes!”

Which brings me to the second major reason:

Main Reason Two (2): Posting free content on the Internet, and getting little in return except abuse, hate and whining from butt-hurt low-carbers and vegans, as well as requests for even more free information from people too lazy to follow-up with their own research, just doesn’t do it for me anymore.

I discussed the latter phenomenon in yesterday’s post:

http://anthonycolpo.com/anthony-can-you-please-do-my-thinking-for-me-no/

Seriously, I never cease to be amazed when people write to me, pissing and moaning that they're confused and don't know who to believe. What do they want me to do? Repeat everything I've already said, post another 50 references they won't check for themselves, and then send them some flowers?

One of my closest friends runs a very highly regarded mechanic shop here in Melbourne. It's not at all unusual to walk into his workshop and see a Ferrari on one hoist, a Lamborghini on the other, a race-prepped WRX on another, while a bunch of other similarly potent and exotic vehicles sit in and around the workshop waiting for their dose of TLC. His clients include some of the most famous people in Victoria, everyone from gangland figures to sports stars to some of the state's wealthiest businessmen. They bring their cars to my friend for one reason: He knows his shit, and he's the best at what he does.

I can only imagine the response if someone walked up to him in his workshop, and said:

"G'day mate, I read about you on the FriskyFerraris.com.au forum, and the consensus there is that you are the best. However, I then went to the SlickTreads.com.au chatroom, and they said someone should give you $5 so you can go buy yourself a clue. I'm confused, and I don't know who to believe. What do you have to say in response to the claims at SlickTreads.com.au? Can you write me up, like, a 5,000 word rebuttal or something?"

My friend would look at this person for a moment, to assess just what kind of a nutjob he was dealing with. He would then make it clear he is a very busy man, and suggest in no uncertain terms that this person take his business elsewhere. When this person had extricated himself from the premises, my friend would turn to everyone who had just witnessed this most ridiculous enquiry and remark, "Did you get a load of that lunatic? He read a bunch of bullshit on the Internet and wanted me to comment on it! Like I've got nothing better to do!"

The reasons for my friend's hypothetical actions seem pretty straightforward to me. But others just can't seem to understand why someone would respond like this. Take the following email from “Brendan”, for example. I’ve reprinted it below, along with my reply. Please note I’ve reprinted it in a manner that will not identify Brendan, and I’ve also removed the typos and edited some of the saucier language from my reply (however, the F-Bombs are still there, so if you have an anaphylactic reaction to swear words, close this page now).

Why am I reprinting this correspondence? Because to me it typifies how most consumers of Internet information simply have no idea what goes on behind the scenes for those putting out free info and getting fuck all in return. It’s not just me – I have it on good authority that a number of free content providers in the health, diet and physical training arena are disillusioned with the lack of positive social and financial return, and considering whether or not they should continue.

Anyway, here’s what Brendan had to say, and here’s what I had to say in return, and below that is some more stuff that I had to say after returning from my return. Or something.

Brendan writes:

Hi Anthony, 

I'm a customer of yours, from [a place far, far from Melbourne], and this is my first time writing to you.

Based on your most recent "grow the fuck up" email, I have a suggestion (nay a critique) for you.

First let me say I get it...I get it...I get that people whinge to you and want you to take responsibility for their issue....but I'd like to respectfully suggest (and I mean those words, they are not throw away) that your advice, whilst accurate in itself, is mono-dimensional and thus of limited use to people.  Not that I'm suggesting you are not entitled to deliver it in whatever way you please, but rather that if your true intention is to help people past their 'block' or their cognitive dissonance then surely you realise that the tone is as, if not more, important than the message.

My personal guess is that you know this very well but it doesn't fit your modus operandi, so, like inconvenient data that doesn't fit one's belief, you chose to ignore it.  That's a personal criticism I know, and again...it's not that I'm suggesting you are not entitled to be this way if you choose, you are of course-- but my intention behind it is to share what I learned painfully through what I guess you'd call 'independant thinking', plus to reflect it back to you in the hope it helps you be more effective.  We need people like you to be effective...not just to be there! 

My guess above is based on a few things, one being that you have expressed favouritism for animals instead of people.  It's as if you find people to be a nuisance!  Fair enough, but my point is if you really want to help people and not just indulge your humour, then why not give them something useful for their deeper 'issues'.  Your nutritional information is extremely useful, you've done more than many in that regard, so I suppose it's a bit unfair of me to suggest you should now also turn your attention to addressing the next level of concern in humans...namely the subject of your last email...that people can't seem to think for themselves, but I really do think you are in a good position to do just that.

Would it not be better to either write a book or an article (would probably need to be a long article albeit), or even suggest a resource list, where people can go and learn HOW to think for themselves.  Your tone suggests that people can just cop the fuck on and start to think for themselves...but you know in your heart this is not the case....people (who can't do this) can no more do this than they can start speaking a foreign language they dont know.

Plus the very same people who may come across to you as analytically dumb...may only be that way in a certain field...say health or nutrition, but may be the opposite in other areas...like say finance or relationships or military prowess.  The thing is that giving people tons of information, with links to articles etc, doesn't do it for them.  Some people don't think in the same way papers are written, they can't understand statistical bias, have no knowledge of bench / tissue / cell culture investigations etc etc.

Is it your job to teach this?  No, but you'd probably be able to make a good go of it.  It may not even be to do with paper reading...teaching the very principles of independent thinking may be the way...or explaining how the philosophy of science evolved and why we are where we are might be a good place to start.

Our modern world grew up with the unanalysed idea that people use facts to make decisions...and still for many of us this SHOULD be the case.  But it isn't...we all, you included, make decisions based on emotions and historical pre-programming.  (Although it's hard to swallow at times...the US presidential election is a perfect case in point!)

In some ways you are demonstrating the extent of how 'insane' you are...doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result.  Shouting at people to get them to think for themselves is the perfect way to get 'them' to think like the rest of the herd...the opposite of what you want.  Maybe you don't see these people as your 'tribe' but you certainly do seem to attract a lot of them!

Which I suppose brings me to the last point...what is it that you really want?  If you really want to help then it seems you need to change your tune (literally and figuratively) so that you can reach those you seem to attract but can't seem to change.  If on the other hand what you really want is to maintain your hegemony in the online world of don't-take-shit-hard-talking-say-it-like-it-is gurus...then I suppose you can delete this email and continue as you are, ie very successful in that regard!

Thanks for reading,

Brendan

My reply:

Brendan,

I appreciate the effort that went into your email, but with all due respect, the reality is you are over-analysing and way off the mark.

And the reality is that, until you've been where I have been and experienced what I have experienced with this whole internet escapade, you are wholly incapable of making any informed comment on the matter. The best you can do is offer your subjective opinion as an outsider, one who does not even begin to have the experience and knowledge that comes with traveling along the trajectory I have.

The source of my dismay is quite simple: For years, I posted carefully researched and fully-referenced articles on the internet for FREE, and forced NO-ONE to read them. I did this out of the belief that we the public were not being presented with the full truthful picture on matters pertaining to diet and health, and I figured (very naively, as it turns out) that by posting this information I could make a difference.

And while there are some nice folks who write to simply say thanks and ask for nothing more (i.e. decent people with a bit of gratitude), others write to thank me for the abundance of free info I've posted by virulently abusing me, pissing and moaning, and/or wanting me to explain shit even further because they are too lazy to do an independent appraisal of the evidence themselves.

I wonder what the response from these jokers would be if I responded, "fine, I'll furnish even more information, provided you come and wash my car/mow my lawn/clean my yard/etc"?

Yeah, Brendan, "insane" I know - expecting people to actually show a little gratitude for what they are given and to appreciate that other people's time is also valuable.

And the real cracker is I even get people moaning about my writing style and claiming I'm vitriolic. Meanwhile, cretins like Harley "Durianrider" Johnstone make $5,000 a month posting bullshit on Youtube ... falsely calling people steroid abusers, pedophiles, accusing them of "sucker-punching", and threatening to slash their throats.

Do a web search for a nutter called "RooshV", and check out the size of his following. Among his ‘civil’ literary contributions to the world is a call to make rape legal behind closed doors (!) No, not directly related to the diet arena, but it should give you an indication of what's required to really capture people's attention these days.

And need I mention people like Michael Eades, who belittled female academics while his followers cheered him on, but when I give him a dose of his own medicine all of a sudden I was the one who was out of line?

Or that bombastic grandmaster of hyperbole Robert Lustig, or champion cherry-picker Gary Taubes, who both portray everyone that disagrees with them as feeble-minded, outdated idiots, all the while spouting the most ridiculous bullshit themselves?

Given the celebrity status and financial success of all the above-mentioned, I can only conclude my communication style is far too civil!

But no, I'm the one who's writing style is too hostile for the world's soft-cocks. Interesting how these accusations almost always come only after I've written something the accuser disagrees with.

Sorry Brendan, but being involved in such a fucked-up arena just doesn't work for me anymore. I know it may seem, from the comfort of your armchair in your little "cottage" that maybe I'm just a wee bit excitable or have unrealistic expectations, but the reality is this internet writing gig has exposed me to a darker side of human psychology, one that people are too restrained/embarrassed/cowardly to express in person, and I'm just well and truly tired of it.

And if people want to be told what they want to hear, or need to be spoon-fed info because they are too dumb/lazy to think for themselves, or want to be titillated by scandal and gossip and "controversy", fine, but it is NOT my job to do this.

"Your tone suggests that people can just cop the fuck on and start to think for themselves...but you know in your heart this is not the case....people (who can't do this) can no more do this than they can start speaking a foreign language they dont know."

Actually I don't know this in my heart because what you have just said is BULLSHIT. A big fat, sloppy, odiferous patty of bovine shit.

Firstly, maybe you have found learning a new language insurmountable, but millions of people have been able to successfully learn foreign languages. Shit, I've met people who are fluent in 5-6 foreign languages. Why you think learning just one is an impossible task when people all around the world have done it, and are doing it as we speak, is beyond me.

Secondly, if I was able to learn how to go to a library, pull up studies, and read them, why can't others do it? Nowadays, a trip to the library is often not even necessary - many of these studies are freely available online.

Please tell me what magical quality I was endowed with that allows me to do these simple tasks, but not most other Homo sapiens? I have two arms, two legs, and one fucking brain just like everyone else. No-one taught me how to do this, I was not found in a paddock next to a chunk of Kryptonite and raised from infancy by a group of Mensa members, nor did I receive divine revelation from Librarius, the Greek God of Research. And - I may be going out on a limb here - but I confidently bet everyone else who's been able to successfully check out the literature for themselves wasn't either.

There's nothing magical about it, Brendan - the ability I have to get off my ass and read research for myself instead of relying on other people's questionable relaying of it is probably just the same trait that allows me to jump on a bike and go ride for a couple of hours, or to go in the gym and lift heavy shit up and down for 45 minutes or so - while others sit around, piss and moan about their poor condition, and get sucked in by sleazy diet gurus.

It's called being self-reliant and having a modicum of motivation, instead of being a lazy twat with a sense of self-entitlement who expects everyone else to do everything for him.

"In some ways you are demonstrating the extent of how 'insane' you are...doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result."

This is the only thing you've written that has any basis in reality. Damn straight I must be crazy to keep thinking I can make a difference when what people really want is instant gratification, scandal, gossip, quick-fix gimmicks and so on.

But don't get too self-congratulatory, I came to this realization long before receiving your email. Several weeks back I locked up most of the articles on my site and am in the process of converting it to a paid membership-only site. My content is high quality, I believe it's worth paying for, and if people don't agree then the new barrier of having to make a financial contribution to access this info should help them kindly fuck off.

"It's as if you find people to be a nuisance!"

Fuck, now why would I believe that LOL

A.

---

So there it is folks. AnthonyColpo.com will, sometime soon, be a paid membership-only website. It either has to start earning its keep, or it goes offline for good.

Brendan asks what is it that I really want, so I shall tell him. And you. Apart from the usual (you know, cute Spanish/Venezuelan wife, bigger house so Ramone can have a permanent girlfriend, apartment in Barcelona, race-tuned Nissan GTR35 with number plates that read "MANGIA MANGIA", and another set of 180mm Rotor 3D+ cranks) I guess it would have to be this:

That when my time on this crazy blue ball we call Earth is up, and it's time for me to relocate to that big Ballearic Island in the sky, I'd like to be remembered back here on Earth for more than just being able to deadlift 2.5 times my body weight or having nice glutes (ladies, please do not misconstrue what I just said. You should always feel welcome to tell me I have nice glutes. I will never hold that against you, hell no).

Yes, one should leave a legacy that goes beyond grunting like a wounded rhino as he pulls a stubborn barbell from the floor, and he should also be able to leave a legacy that goes beyond walking past a group of girls and hearing them giggle and say something about a "cute butt!" Although both are truly wonderful legacies, in my humble opinion.

But I think it is also most wonderful if one can walk into his heavenly bathroom, look in his heavenly mirror, and say to himself:

"You know, I made life back on Earth just that little bit better for a bunch of people. Right now, there's a guy in Trinidad and Tobago who's married to a beauty queen, with a healthy son who will probably also grow up to marry a beauty queen, who will then also have a son that marries a beauty queen, thanks to me. And there's a guy who kept blowing up on the same damn hill every time he went for a bike ride, until he read my article why Low-Carb Diets are Terrible for Athletes. Now he's competing in A-Grade criterions. And then there's all the non-Italians I introduced to anisette, tiramisu and cannoli. That right there should qualify me for sainthood - no wonder they let me straight in when I rocked up to the pearly gates. Oh, and there's that sizzling hot Lebanese girl in Brunswick who ... wait, that wasn't exactly a selfless act, so probably not relevant here."

Yep, corny as it may sound, I would like to help others. But I only want to help those who are prepared to help themselves. And, call me selfish, but I definitely do not want to help members of that bizarre sub-species that loves nothing more than to profess it's hatred for me but then continues to read everything I write. I mean, what the fuck?

And in the process of helping others, I definitely do not want to go friggin' broke.

The plan at this stage is to charge US $9.99 per month or so via a simple Paypal subscription. And before I get fellow Australians pissing and moaning about the US pricing, that’s where the bulk of my readers come from, so my hands are tied. Ever tried typing with tied hands? It sucks.

In return for this modest monthly sum, subscribers will get access to a monthly newsletter report featuring at least one sizable article and some research updates. And maybe even a picture of Ramone, I know how much some of you like him.

While Brendan seems to think I should waste even more time teaching the critical thinking skills that our modern education system doesn’t … um, no. Of course, I don’t expect everyone to be on the same knowledge level as me (I mean, if you were, you probably wouldn’t need to subscribe to my content, right?), but I do foresee a certain minimum level of intelligence and rationality among future subscribers. Not only that, but I’m guessing those who would be motivated to pay for my content are already largely on board with my approach and my contentions.

As such, I plan to spend less time in future on debunking-type articles, and more on practical how-to articles , with science-backed info that people can put into use pronto to improve their health, body composition, and athletic performance.

Having said that, I know some of you are big fans of my hunky debunkery, so if there is some new bullshit health trend or dodgey diet study making the headlines, then rest assured I will sink my teeth into it, chew it up, and spit it out in the form of a ruthless dissection with more references than you can shake a bottle of Alhambra Especial at.

NOTE: That was just a figure of speech, please do NOT shake a bottle of Alhambra or any other carbonated beverage in real life, if you are at a public gathering the results upon opening will not enhance your social status.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I guess this is the point where some of us will need to say “adios!”

If you:

Don’t like me, my writing style, my hair (or lack of it), my name, my ethnicity, my eyebrows, or whatever other trivial and utterly irrelevant trait you have decided to take offense to;

Don’t think my content is worth paying for because, hey, there’s plenty of free stuff available online from such literary giants as Jimmy Moore and ItsTheWoo;

then it’s been nice knowing you, happy travels!

Also, if you subscribe to the myopic and patently stupid Anglo-Western approach to diet and health, which revolves around the “blaming and shaming” of individual foods and macronutrients, be it fat, carbs, protein, meat, wheat, yadayadayada, then definitely do NOT subscribe to my content. As an Italian-Australian prodigal son who fell victim to this bullshit many moons ago, I nowadays adhere to the Mediterranean/Asian approach, which revolves around moderation and a complete lack of dietary neuroticism. Go ahead and sneer, ye low-carbers and vegans and pimpers of all things gluten-free … but may I point out that Japan, Spain, Italy and France all sit in the top ten of world life expectancy, while the US – ground zero of the totally misguided Blame, Vilify, Avoid approach to nutrition - sits at # 31.

And Japan, Spain, Italy and France all have far lower obesity rates than the US.

Yeah, carb-free/fat-free/cholesterol-free/gluten-free THAT, you dietary racists …

And while you poor nutritional bigots sit there eating your tasteless tofurkey, or labouring your way through your 50th burger patty for the week, with nothing in the way of tasty carbs to follow it up with, I’ve just finished some lovingly roasted chicken, a bowl of oven-roasted crispy fries, and I’m making good progress on this stubbie of Monteith’s Black Beer (bless the Kiwis, they sure know how to brew a good drop).

By the way, for fellow residents of Australia and lovers of beers that do not taste like bland, lifeless, yeasty-tasting piss, Monteith’s Black Beer is currently on special at Dan Murphy’s. Just thought I’d point that out. And no, I do not work for or have shares in Dan Murphy's, I’m just spreading some discount boutique beer love.

Um, anyway, where was I…

Oh yeah, the paid membership site thing. What more can I say folks, except stay tuned for further announcements as to when the new site kicks off in earnest.

Stay safe, and remember, things go better with prosciutto.

Ciao,

Anthony.

---

Anthony Colpo is an independent researcher, physical conditioning specialist, and author of the groundbreaking books The Fat Loss Bible, The Great Cholesterol Con and Whole Grains, Empty Promises.

For more information on Anthony's books, click here.

---

The Mandatory “I Ain’t Your Mama, So Think For Yourself and Take Responsibility for Your Own Actions” Disclaimer: All content on this web site is provided for information and education purposes only. Individuals wishing to make changes to their dietary, lifestyle, exercise or medication regimens should do so in conjunction with a competent, knowledgeable and empathetic medical professional. Anyone who chooses to apply the information on this web site does so of their own volition and their own risk. The owner and contributors to this site accept no responsibility or liability whatsoever for any harm, real or imagined, from the use or dissemination of information contained on this site. If these conditions are not agreeable to the reader, he/she is advised to leave this site immediately.

Source: http://anthonycolpo.com/what-the-heck-is-going-on-at-anthonycolpo-com/

[sungrcwn]

📱

( my muse’s five last sent texts yours )

( sent to ❝ gwen + robo ❞ — 3:37 PM ) im just going to go ahead and apologize in advance if thats ok

( sent to ❝ gwen + robo ❞ — 3:39 PM ) there might be an influx of students w/ poison ivy in ur office today

( sent to ❝ gwen + robo ❞ — 3:39 PM ) it was 100% an accident but there may have been a period of like four hours where the entire south wall of the school was kinda sorta covered in it

( sent to ❝ gwen + robo ❞ — 3:43 PM ) well okay i was trying to enhance a couple of the climbing vines this morning to make it look nice but i got distracted by this little family of ladybugs just hangin out in the grass by the bottom of the trellis

( sent to ❝ gwen + robo ❞ — 3:43 PM ) long story short i thought it was fragrant sumac but it definitely was not and i fixed it now but i cant guarantee anyone didnt touch it and did i mention i am very sorry because i am

( my muse’s five last unsent texts yours )

( drafted — 2:17 AM ) ok this might seem completely out of left field but i have a question and ive been thinking about it for like a solid half hour so i thought i would ask because youre one of the smartest people i know and most qualified probably to offer your thoughts 

( drafted — 2:25 AM ) alright so like… from a medical standpoint are people with different mutations like, different to heal? like if someone with the gift to shapeshift into animals was hurt while they were in their animal form, would you have to have to treat them in that form or does their genetic makeup somehow transfer the wounds when they shift back?

( drafted — 2:37 AM ) and what if it was like an injury that occurs in an organ that the animal has but that the persons natural human form doesnt? like what if theyd transformed into a woodpecker and maybe they try to peck at a tree thats just a little too hard and they hurt their beak how does a beak injury translate in the human anatomy if they shift back? or if they were a spider and something happened to their chelicerae? i dunno these are just random examples

( drafted — 2:51 AM ) but ok speaking of spiders okay what about if by some horrible tragedy while as a spider they happened to lose a leg? ive seen that in the garden before, spiders walking around with six or seven legs and i wonder how it happens but the point is that it does sometimes and so like what if they lose one of eight legs in spider form will they still have lost a whole limb in human form or only half because of like… fractions and science? or is it possible that they keep all their limbs and instead it manifests as phantom spider leg pains?  is that leg gone forever if they choose to shift into a spider again? what if it was a different kind of spider?

( drafted — 2:57 AM ) did your job require veterinary training?

( my muse’s last snapchat to yours )

( x ) w/ the caption  ❝ setting up giant game of twister for the students w/ callum and we need a ref !! ❞ followed by a separate text snap w/  ❝ please say yes we could always do it but now that were finished it looks awesome and we both kinda want to play ❞ 

( what my muse saved your number as )

❝ gwen + robo ❞ ( because yes, he has probably facetimed her JUST to see robocop before lbr ) 

( what contact photo my muse has set for yours )

( x )

( what ringtone my muse has set for yours )

idk why but for some reason i just imagine topher has, like… tons of different bird sounds saved to his phone?? like he’s just got a bunch of like ten second clips of various little bird songs he’s recorded around the property and he tries to collect different ones and uses them as ringtones for his friends and he actually thinks really hard about who gets which one and why?? gwen’s ringtone is the soft hoo of a spotted owl he heard in the woods one night bc owls represent wisdom and he thinks she’s probs one of the wisest ( at very least, smartest ) people he knows.

( how many times my muse has called your this week? )

probably not very often. he prefers having conversations face to face, and since they both work at the school, she’s never that far away. ( that doesn’t stop him from almost-sending her long-winded text messages in the middle of the night when he’s thinking too hard about the most ridiculous shit, though. but fortunately for gwen, topher is usually too high in those hours moments to realize when he’s not actually hitting the send button. )

( how many calls has my muse missed from yours? )

one. because after he sent her the lengthy text apology for the poison ivy incident, he realized it was a situation he probably should’ve explained in person, and he immediately started toward the nurse’s office when he saw her calling.

[realtalk-princeton]

Clover how did you choose to be MAE? What classes/summer programs related to MAE did you have in high school? And did these help you decide you would be MAE going into college, or did that decision come after you came to Princeton? Very conflicted BSE prefrosh.

Response from Clover:

Hey! Sorry for responding to this so late, I have been editing this answer throughout the day to try and make it more concise (yeah yeah, I know, this is my “concise”..) and still ensure I cover all the things you brought up. Will be long, but I tried to summarize things where needed and put the main items in bulleted sections. I do hope it can provide you with some help... or at least make you feel less alone in your feelings of conflict / worry over choosing a BSE major! <3

So to start off, I actually came into Princeton fully set on CBE. In high school, I had 3 main motivators as to why I wanted to do something with biological engineering:

> Did science fair projects on cancer stuff which I found rewarding, enjoyable, and stimulating. > Enjoyed the design portion of the lab work I did, planning out experiments and what not. > Loved AP Biology. Love biology as a whole. I think biological systems are the most fascinating thing on the planet. Shit's just cool.

Biological engineering seemed like the most reasonable choice for me, because I had some evidence to suggest that I might do decently as a CBE major, enjoy the subject matter, and get a job with that degree I would enjoy.

Where does MAE tie in? Well, I never really did anything super specific to aerospace engineering in high school. Here's the main 4 relevant items:

> Did NASA summer programs where we get to work on teams to design space missions. I worked on the scientific return portion of both missions. > Took engineering classes throughout high school, which involved mechanical projects and a lot of CAD > Rocketry club > Have always loved space and found it fascinating-- started working at a space museum which elevated my passion for all the things existing in and sent into space

All of this stuff is more space-related than aerospace-engineering-related. With NASA I wasn't working on anything to do with the rockets or transit vehicle, just the experiments. With my engineering classes I never did any specific aerospace projects, just general design. Rocketry was just tiny cardboard rockets. And while I liked space a lot, that didn't mean I'd make a good aerospace engineer.

Here's thing: I like to feel prepared. Especially when I'm trying to decide on what I want to do with the next X years of my life. Biology was what I had the most background in. I had the preparation. And I had the science fair behind me to say "hey, I've got something to show that I'm at least semi-competent enough to major in this". Aerospace engineering? I felt like I had nothing. What does it mean to be an aerospace engineer? What kind of courses are even involved in that? I had no idea. I had no 'experience'.

So, I think influenced more by fear than anything else, I went in as CBE. Thanks to my past-self though, I only applied to colleges that offered both bio engineering and aerospace engineering (with an astro track)... I'm very lucky to be such an indecisive being, because throughout the year my major has evidently changed.

There were 3 main reasons why I changed directions:

> CBE itself. When I give the short answer to the “why CBE to MAE” question, I just say ‘bro CBE looked hard as shit.’ But in truth, while CBE definitely is no joke, I don’t think I was really ever scared by how everyone called it the hardest major. If CBE encompassed what I loved so much about my biology experiences, I would have suffered through it no question. However, what I started to learn throughout the year was that CBE has very minimal biological courses involved, only really having them involved with the bio concentration and then the optional bio certificate. I learned this by talking to CBE majors I met, talking to CBE people at the engineering open houses, and most notably talking to a CBE upperclassman during a SWE Coffee Date. I highlight the SWE Coffee Date because I think they're a really great setting to have a one-on-one, genuine conversation with someone who can give you insight into the major you're looking at. When all was said and done, I got a good picture of what my curriculum over the next 4 years would look like, and I really wasn't feeling it. At first I was like "oh, I mean chemical engineering... that sounds about the same as biological, right?"... wrong. I won't go into the details-- in essence, the job prospects were mostly all things I didn't feel passionate about. I considered briefly just sticking it out and doing the bio certificate to make up for the chem-heavy curriculum, but why major in something where the only part you care about is the optional certificate? >> TLDR: Found out through info sessions and discussions with upperclassmen CBE majors that the CBE curriculum and job prospects were not something I felt passionate about. > Clubs. My main 2 engineering extracurriculars this year were rocketry and an engineering project team related to satellites. Rocketry was a fun time and nice balance from all the very theoretical problems sets going on. It was nice to build things again, design in CAD, and 3D print some more. Still though, just like with high school, enjoying rocketry doesn't necessarily translate to enjoying aerospace engineering. That's where the satellite project team stepped in-- I could go on and on, but I pretty much just had a really awesome mentor for the project and I got to do some really cool work on this tiny satellite. Got to use cool equipment and be involved with the design process. This project made me start to realize that satellites are the union between scientific return and an engineering degree I've always been looking for... I know in industry if I worked on a satellite I wouldn't be involved with the actual science bit, but the point is that the satellite as a whole is providing scientific knowledge to help others back here on Earth, and like... That's my shit dude. Science + engineering truly wrapped into one. The prospect of working on projects like that as an aerospace engineer really excited me, which was in stark contrast to how I felt about the CBE job prospects. >> TLDR: Satellite project team introduced me to a job field where I could do aerospace engineering that contributes to scientific return, combining my two favorite things to make a job I would actually be very passionate about. > Classes. I think the nail in the coffin for me was that I placed out of CHM 207 with my AP score, but if I wanted to do CBE I would have to take CHM 207 or 215 before even starting all the other chem courses required. Yeah, no thanks. The cherry on top was finding out about the MAE classes I would be taking in the future. I discovered the curriculum through the same methods I did with CBE, except that this time I thought it sounded really awesome. There are definitely hard courses ahead for sure, but I actually think the subject matter sounds interesting and love that there is an astro concentration built right in. Additionally, even though mechanical + aerospace does require a lot of courses, I still have room to fit the astrobiology certificate into there. This way I get to delve more into the sciences which I wanted to do! >> TLDR: Didn't want to take a ton of chem, as I was behind. MAE classes sounded actually cool, and I have room for the astrobiology certificate.

I'm really happy with my decision to switch to MAE. I think that it took me actually experiencing a semester here to realize that classes are going to be hard no matter what, and I want to do something I'm really passionate about more than anything. CBE gradually lost my interest due to the future courses and jobs not aligning with my bio-centric preferences, as well as all the requirements entailed. MAE instead gained my interest through cool extracurriculars, cool courses, and my shedding of that fear of doing aerospace engineering. I realize now that this is an area I really like, and the potential jobs I could get later on make me legit excited. I've been teaching kids about all these cool satellites and space missions all this time, and now I might be able to work on something that provides us with... data on melting sea ice? The location of a mirror Earth? So many possibilities, and they all sound awesome to me!

If your bared through this and made it to here, wow, I can’t believe it.. I wanted to try and put all my thoughts down here because I seriously cannot express to you just how scared I was about all of this coming into Princeton. As you can see, most of my decision-making ended up occurring dynamically throughout the year. My suggestion? Don't fret about it like I did over the summer. Your first year is going to present you with a lot of opportunities to learn more about the majors you're thinking about (or maybe even the ones you haven't considered!!!), including but not limited to those I mentioned above. You might not have a big moment of "holy shit-- I know what I want to major in!", and that's okay! For me, it happened over time. And dude, for some sophomores it's even still ongoing this summer. You have so much time, and it's best to just experience it all and have it help you guide you in the right direction.

If you still feel conflicted later in the year, feel free to reach out again. I know it's overwhelming right now, but don't worry, in 4 years you will be graduating and thinking "ha, I remember when I didn't even know what I wanted to major in yet"... :D <3

[motherof4dragons]

Sample Chapter

I've been writing fan fiction, but I recently started a fan fic that I really enjoyed the premise of.  I thought I could really do something with it outside of the fandom.  I read a ton, and did some research on 2nd chance fictions and friends to lovers stroeis and I think this would be pretty unique in the genre.  

So I stripped the story of all of the original content that connected it to the fandom and tried to write a first chapter, or first several chapters depending on size for a "real" book.  Please tell me if it's ok, and if it is too closely resembling it's origin content.  I'm purposefully leaving out any tags so that maybe someone who doesn't normally know what I write about can read it hopefully not draw the connections to the fandom.  Does that make sense?  Try to read it as if you just picked the book up off of Kindle's 1.99 list.

------------------

May 2018

I’m in the middle of discussing today’s surgery with my patient and her family when I hear my phone and my pager go off simultaneously.  That’s never a good sign.  Giving my patient my best Anderson smile, I look at my pager, then swipe across the front of my phone.  Both alert me to the same thing.

MASS SHOOTING ETA 15 minutes out.

I learned long ago to turn the news alerts off on my phone, otherwise I wouldn't be able to concentrate on my day without worrying about what my day could turn into.  So 15 minutes out for us means the shooting probably started a half hour to an hour ago, which means I need to get a move on it.

 I turn back to my patient and her family and put an end to our pre-op conversations.

“Excuse me guys, I am so sorry. It looks like we may have to put todays surgery on hold, there’s been an emergency. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.” I pat my patient on her back, shake her husband’s hand and leave the room as quickly as I can.

Heading out of the patient’s room and to the nurse’s station, I put the tablet back on the charging station then head to the surgery board where I know everybody will be meeting. Sean, though not technically our chief of staff anymore, is up front leading the charge.

“Ok people, we have a mass casualty event. Shooting at the mall. We can expect the majority of the victims to come to us. We don’t have an estimate yet as to how many that may be, but it sounds like he got a lot of rounds off before he was taken down by a civilian. The ambulances are waiting on the all clear to start scooping them up. I want OR’s 1-5 on constant rotation. Don’t take the time to make it pretty people, get in and get out. All elective and non-emergent surgeries have been cancelled and the patients that can be are being discharged. Move all non-critical ER patients to the clinic. The blood bank is sending up all available units. I want every available surgeon in the pit in 5. Get a move on it.”

I’m a reconstructive surgeon.  I trained as a plastic surgeon, but I really dislike that title.  I don’t work with plastic.  I work with people.  That’s not to say that plastic doesn’t have its place.  I think every human has the right to feel good about themselves, and if that means a person needs a boob job or a butt implant, then the more power to them.  And that’s not to say that I don’t still do the occasional ‘plastics’ job.  Liposuction keeps the lights on as my old mentor used to say.  But my specialty is reconstructive surgery.  I take something that was once beautiful, but damaged due to life and circumstance, and make it beautiful once again.  I specialize in burn victims and gender reaffirmation surgeries.  Two of the toughest life events any person will ever have to face. I’m to the point in my career where I can pick and choose what surgeries I want to do, so I do the occasional pro-bono cleft palate surgery to make the soul feel good too.  I’m a board certified ENT as well, but that really only falls into play with burn victims, and the occasional hard intubation in the emergency room. But no matter their specialty, a surgeon is still a surgeon. And a requirement for working at a hospital like Riley’s Memorial is that you have to be proficient in trauma.  We’re the largest hospital in the state, with a trauma and burn department that is world renown.  If you get severely hurt in the state of Colorado, there’s a large possibility that you’ll end up with us.

Noah takes the time to swing by his locker to hang his coat up then heads  down to the pit.

--

 “Anderson, have you talked to Lizzy today?” Sean stops and sticks his head into the trauma room Noah is just finishing up in. Superficial injuries, but she cut herself pretty bad on something running away from the shooting, and had an eight inch laceration that required stitched. Normally I would have a resident or intern do it, but it’s in a pretty visible spot, and I wanted it done right.  Every wound I can repair properly now is one I won’t have to go back in to fix at a later date.

“No, why?”

“Because several of the victims are saying they were triaged on scene by someone who says they were a doctor.”

“So what?”

“A redheaded female doctor.”

Elizabeth Marie Stewart, former trauma surgeon and current Assistant Department Head of Public Health.  She also happens to be the mother of my children, my ex-wife, and the probable love of my life.  And yes, she is a red headed female doctor.

We’ve gotten the first wave of ambulances emptied and into the emergency department. I did notice that some patients have the trauma triage color codes written on their bodies, but I just assumed that they didn’t have the tags at the scene.  However, that’s a trick they use out in the field in the military, and both Sean and I know it.

The chances of that being Lizzy are pretty small, but I snap off my gloves and pull my phone out of my pocket anyways. We just went to church together with Lillian this past weekend. She didn’t mention going to the mall this week, but then why would she. We may share a daughter, and since her accident, we’re back to being good friends, but long gone are the days where I got daily reports of her plans and movements.

After 4 rings it goes to her voicemail. “Hey Liz It’s me. Listen, I know this is going to sound weird, but there was a shooting at the mall, I’m sure you’ll have heard about it by the time you get this, And I bet you’ll get a kick out of this but some of the patients are saying they were triaged by a redheaded dr. So now I’m worried about you. Call me back."

Thought of her at that mall, despite how improbable that may be makes my heart speed up a little. I decide to shoot her a text too.

Noah: Hey. Mass shooting at the mall. Check in with me please.

I debate sending a text to her husband, but I think Lizzy said he’s out of town, so I put my phone back in my pocket and try to shake it off, then head back into the fray.

  --

“Next wave coming in guys!”

I’m in the middle of assessing a middle aged man with a gunshot wound to the thigh, through and through. Whoever is on the scene knows what they were doing, that’s for sure. The patient’s own belt is wrapped around his upper leg to stem the blood loss and the words “yellow tag” were written in blue ink across his forearm. He told a more exaggerated story of the redheaded angel running into the middle of the bloodshed single handedly saving every person she touched.  The guy is seriously smitten.  It’s one of the more extreme versions of the story of the red head I’ve heard today, and I’ve heard variations of the same thing from multiple sources over the last hour.  The more we hear, the more I’m afraid it may really be Lizzy.  She hasn’t replied back to my messages yet.

And then he hears Her.

“22 yr old female, 3 gun shot wounds to the right arm, hip and thigh. Approx. 2 liters blood loss in the field. 2 large bore ivs placed in route. Her driver’s license states she’s o+ so let’s get a trauma panel, type and cross match and get blood hung. We also gave 4 of morphine. She’s passed out but she’s going to hurt like a bitch when she comes to. I need ortho in here stat, her pelvis is probably shattered. Get me x-rays and then let’s get her up to an OR. And someone find me a pair of scrubs please.”

Lizzy’s voice is authoritative and electric. The sound of it issuing out commands flashes me back to ages before. The ER is her domain, even if she hasn’t stepped foot in it for over 2 years. I can’t see her, but I can see the ER’s response to her. Residents and nurses that know her are scattering in different directions to obey her orders. The interns in the room with me are watching the chaos in awe, this stranger who can waltz in and command everyone’s immediate obedience. She yells out louder than the other orders, “also someone find Davis to give me privileges!” I look up and meet Emma’s eyes to see my grin echoed on her face. “Stewart’s back” she says and snaps her gloves off to go help Lizzy.

Emma takes two steps out of the trauma room and freezes. “Shit” she says with passion, then quieter, “Noah.”

I move to where she is standing, and feel the grin melt off my face and my blood run cold. Lizzy is in skinny jeans and what may have once been a lighter colored t shirt. Her red medusa like hair is piled on her head in a messy bun with hair streaming down around her face. And Lizzy is covered head to foot in blood and gore. While most of it probably isn’t hers, some of it obviously is. She has a bandage wrapped haphazardly around her left upper arm, and there is a small trickle of blood still dripping down off of her bent elbow. She’s wearing gloves, but it’s apparent from the distorted color of them that there is just as much blood inside the gloves as outside.  Seeing the blood all over her body, I feel all the blood drain completely out of mine.

“Lizzy, oh my god Lizzy were you shot?”  Emma’s the first to react, moving towards Lizzy and the patient.

She looks down at her arm like she’d forgotten about it and shrugs, hands still on the patient.

“It was just a flesh wound. Noah, can you call the nanny and have her pick up Lillian today?  Have them go back to your house. Nathan and River are going to be at his parents’ house for the rest of the week still. I told the paramedics on scene to send all non-critical to St. Mary’s Hospital so that we could concentrate on the critical. The first paramedics to arrive tried to give me push back until Warren showed up, then they let me control the scene. Where’s my ortho consult?”

I’m standing there looking at her like an idiot.  I hear her speaking, but for some reason none of it is computing in my mind.  She’s just so casual, like this is an everyday occurrence.  Yes, rearranging childcare isn’t exactly a new situation, seeing how our entire community are either doctors or in the medical field.  But this, this catastrophe she just walked in with?  This certainly isn’t our normal operating method.  Wait a minute? Warren knew she was there and didn’t bother to give us a heads up? As soon as I see him I’m going to kick his fucking ass.

The sight of a nurse coming in with a set of black scrubs finally spurs me into motion, and I take them from her.

“Emma, take over the patient. Lizzy, come on, let’s get you stitched up.”

“Just throw some antiseptic on it and I’ll worry about it later.” The portable x-ray is in here now and she steps back, momentarily putting the safety coveralls on while the pictures are taken.  I cringe at the amount of blood I can now see on the inside of the x-ray shield.  It’ll need to be hosed down before it can be used again. And why am I worried about the x-ray shields?  I wonder if I’m going into shock just from the close contact of Lizzy. 

“ELIZABETH!”  I yell it out into the room, voice laced with all the fear and anger and frustration I possess and feel rather than see half the department stop and look at me.

When she finally turns to face me head on, her shoulders fall and her face softens. I don’t know what she sees on my face, but it makes her acquiesce to my request. She nods sharply and starts to remove her gloves, tossing them onto the floor with the rest of the trash.

Alex comes into the trauma room grinning, arms crossed over his chest, light on his feet despite the situation. “You know Stewart, if you missed us that much all you had to do was call. There was no need to get yourself shot.”

Lizzy returns his grin ear to ear. “You know me Davis, I like the drama. I’ll meet you guys upstairs, which OR?”

Davis’ eyes flick to me momentarily and I read the concern in them with years of practice. I nod, not giving my ok but acknowledging that I’ll take care of her.

“OR 4 should be ready for turnover in 20. I expect you clean and stitched before you enter my scrub room Stewart.”

“Sheesh Davis, the power’s gone to your head hasn’t it? Fine. Have ortho stabilize her before she goes up.”

We start to walk out of the trauma bays towards the elevator when we hear Davis call out “good to have to you back Stewart.”

--

We head into the attending’s locker room and I walk straight thru to the bathing area to turn on the shower. I put the scrubs on the counter and go back out into the locker area to find some soap and shampoo for her. She’s taking off her tennis shoes and examines them critically before tossing them into the corner. Her t-shirt comes off and goes straight into the trash. She has her hands on her jeans and is halfway thru pulling down the zipper when she looks at me. It takes her cocking her eyebrow at me before I realize I’m staring at her half naked. God she’s beautiful. But that’s not what I’m staring at, not really.

If our bodies are a road map, hers has taken some very painful turns.  I can see the faint outlines of her chest tube scars across her chest, upraised and evident with the goo coating her. I see the jagged c section scar low under her belly button above her panty line where our daughter was pulled from her body. The dried blood all over her torso is horrifying.  It’s left weird patterns on her skin as it’s dried through and from the contact of her clothing.  She almost looks like a walking Rorschach painting.   And I think, this is the third time she’s almost been taken from me. The thought makes me sick.

I put the bottles I took out if Amanda’s locker into the shower stall, then turn and pull her towards me. I embrace her harder then I mean to, and seeing as she’s married to another man, and half naked, it’s completely inappropriate, but I can’t let her go.  

“Noah? I know Noah, I know.”  She squeezes me back tight, then takes in a shaking breath herself.  “I can’t, I can’t fall apart yet Noah.  There’s still stuff to do.  We can’t fall apart yet.”  She sounds like she’s trying to separate herself from me but still, she doesn’t try to pull away and I tighten my hold just a little more.  She runs her hands soothingly over my back and I bury my nose in her hair. Even under all of the blood I can still smell her flowery conditioner.  “I’m alright Noah. I’m alright”  

When I feel myself on the verge of cracking, I let her go and quickly wipe the moisture from my eyes. “You shower, I’m going to go get a suture kit. We have about 15 minutes before they’ll be ready for you. I’m assuming you’re wanting to operate? You haven’t been in a surgery suite in a while.”

“I’ve kept all my certifications up to date and done more continuing education credits than I’m required to, due to boredom mainly.  I still do ride alongs on a quarterly basis.  And I think I proved today my trauma skills are still sharp."  She points at me before she resumes the removal of her pants.  "You need to change your scrubs too, you’re covered in blood now.” I look at myself and see that she’s right. Her blood covered imprint is now on my shirt.  It’s hard to tell from the dark color of the material, but I can see the strange patterns the blood has left on the fabric.

I decide to ignore the boredom statement, but push it into the back of my mind to consider later. “Ok. I’ll be right back.” I pull her to me one more time and kiss her forehead, blood and all, then leave the bathing area and shut the door behind me. I lean against the door after I shut it and try to gather my thoughts.  Lizzy, my Lizzy, was shot.  Never before have I been so happy we got Lillian into that fancy preschool. I don’t know what I would have done if they had both been there. The thought makes my knees weak. But there’s luck there for another reason too. There are a lot of people alive right now because Lizzy was in that mall today. If Lillian had been with her she would have been protecting her instead of helping all those people. She’s a hero.  Another wave of adrenalin or some other hormone shoots thru me, and I will myself to calm down.  I’ve felt on the verge of a panic attack since I first laid eyes on her, but she’s right.  Now is not the time.  We still have stuff to do today.  

Get yourself together Anderson. Scrubbing my hands vigorously over my head, I push off from the door and head out in search of a suture kit. When I see a supply cart, I grab supplies to draw some blood too. With that much blood mixing over her we’d better do some blood tests at well. Rapid HIV, blood counts, std’s, pregnancy, the works.  Oh god.  The thought of Lizzy pregnant makes me feel sick.  I let myself into the drug closet and grab the lidocaine and some pain killers, then head back into the lounge and place it all on the table. I’m getting everything set up with a bottle of water on the table for her when she comes back out of the shower.

To my surprise, she has the scrub bottoms on but not the scrub top. She has the towel wrapped around her torso, but they aren’t really made to wrap all the way around a woman’s curves, so there’s a damp line of bare skin showing from her shoulder to where the scrubs start low on her hip. She’s run her hair through the towel, and it is hanging damp down her back, wavy from the water instead of her usual beach curls. It’s darker that way, and I’m transported to a time when she would leave the bathroom like that, towel dried and damp, and climb naked into the bed we shared.

I have no idea what has gotten into me all of a sudden, and luckily she doesn’t seem to notice as she wanders over to the lockers. I should not be thinking of Lizzy this way. The only excuse I have is the stress and hormones pushing thru my system at the thought of her being hurt at that mall.

“I had to toss my bra, I couldn’t put that thing back on again, and I didn’t want to put the scrub top on until you stitched me up in case I got blood on it too. As you can see I kept the bandage on and it’s probably pretty gnarly under there. Emma used to keep a full change of clothes in her locker. Do you think she still does?” She pops the door open and bends down to the bag in the bottom. “Aha” she says, so I assume she found what she was looking for. “Don’t peek” she says, then drops the towel after she moves so that her back is facing the door. She puts the bra on upside down and backwards in the way that women do, and begins to rotate it to the front. I do the complete opposite of not peeking and stare at her as I have been since she walked into the ER this morning until I feel my cock start to twitch, then I quickly avert my eyes.

When she comes and sits at the table with me, I find that looking at her with Emma’s bra on is worse than seeing her bare back and sides. Whereas Lizzy always favored bras with the firm cups that offered extra support, this bra is low and lacy, and I can see the outline of her nipples thru the thin fabric.

Clearing my throat, I hand her the Tylenol and the water bottle and wrap the band around her good arm to draw her blood.

“Any chance you could be pregnant?”

”No.  Definitely not.”  I ignore the wave of relief that passes through me at her firm assurance.  I tell myself it’s just because I hate the thought of her endangering an unborn child with her stunt today and not because I hate the idea of her having another man’s baby.

”I’m going to test for everything ok?”  Her only response is a nod.

That done, I turn her to the side so that I have access to her bad arm as it rests on the table.

“Why don’t you tell me what happened?”

“Well really, this is all your fault.”

“MY fault?! How so?”

“Well, you know Lilly starts dance class next week. And I was going to go to payless to get her tap and ballet shoes, and then I heard your voice in my head going ‘really Liz, Payless?’ So I went to that specialty store in the mall that costs 4 times as much for the exact same thing.”

I scoff at her, then tell her “This is going to burn” As I unwrap her arm.  She was right about it being gnarly. I know from past experience that she has a high pain tolerance, but she must have a pain tolerance thru the roof, because the wound is ugly and jagged, and deeper than I feel comfortable with. It’s more a thru and thru than a graze in my opinion, but there doesn’t appear to be any muscle compromise, and she’s obviously been using it ok. I grab the antiseptic to clean in.  I nod my head in her direction and tell her, “Go On.” Her face pinches tight for a minute, but whether it’s from the pain or the story I don’t know.

“I was in line to pay when it started. I heard the first shot and froze, unsure about what I was hearing, but then the next started rapid and close together and there was no doubt. I dropped my bag onto the register counter and told the clerk to go hide in the back room. She told me to come with her, but I knew there’d be injured. I’m a war trained trauma surgeon so…” She trails off and shrugs again, then winces. With the adrenalin fading I bet she’s starting to feel it more now.

“I grabbed a sharpie I saw on the counter, and started heading towards where everyone was leaving. He started in the food court I think. It’s a weekday, so it’s not as bad as it could have been, but it was bad enough. I was able to hug the wall and inch towards where it was coming from. There were two civilians, ex-military from the look of them, doing the same thing. They told me to scram, but I told them I was an army surgeon, and if there were wounded I was going to help. I couldn’t get too close to the action for fear of being shot myself, but when he started strolling, he was just walking as calm as could be Noah, like he didn’t have a care in the world.  That was more disconcerting than him opening fire.  He didn’t seem mad, or insane.  He was just going for a stroll in the mall.  With a bag full of automatic weapons.”

Aa a trauma center, we often see the results from the worse of humanity.  I’ve treated rape victims and rapists.  Assault victims and people arrested for murder.  This isn’t even our first face to face with an active gunman.  But this time feels different.  And hearing her retell the story to me is haunting.

“He was going the opposite direction from us, so I started darting in and pulling wounded to the side, triaging as I went. I used the marker to tag them as I felt appropriate, did what I could to stop the bleeding or ease the patient with what little I had, which was nothing of course, and went on to the next one. Ike and Mike we’ll call them, split, one on either side of the corridor, so when he dropped both guns to grab another pair they went at him from both sides. That’s when I got hit. He got a spray off as he was being brought down and I’d gotten too close pulling a victim with an abdominal wound to safety. They broke his arm. Bad.”

“Good.” Somehow I managed to keep my hands steady through her story despite my heart rate racing and my system flooding with adrenalin. So she didn’t just happen to be close to the shooting. She ran into it. The fucking mother of my children ran towards gunfire with no regard for her, her children or anyone who cares about her. I close my eyes and take a hissing breath in through my nose, trying to calm my raging emotions.  I place my hands flat on the table for a moment to try to center myself.  I can feel her watching me.  This is going to be a make or break moment between us.  If I react wrong, this could end very badly.  I pull my composure out of the surgeons vault, and when I reach for my supplies again my hands are steady.  I can actually see some of the tension leave her body at my choice not to throw down with her right now.

“Here comes the stitching.” I’m going to kill her with my bare hands. I don’t think I’ve ever been this angry in my entire life, and lord knows Lizzy’s done a lot to piss me off over the years. Her phone rings, and she picks it up and hits ignore. 20 seconds later it’s ringing again. Releasing a big sigh, she answers it this time. Her voice is overly perky and it takes me off guard for a minute, helping to calm my raw nerves.

“Yea I heard about that. Crazy huh? No no, of course we’re ok. I was thinking about going to the hospital though and seeing if they need any help.” There’s a lull in her side of the conversation here, and I can tell by the tightening of her posture that whatever being said is making her less than happy. “Of course, no, you’re right, they don’t need me. Yea. Ok. You too.” She puts her phone down and turns her face to me giving me a half smile.

“I’ve been contemplating coming back to the hospital, have I told you that?” Her statement takes me by surprise. She hasn’t given me any indication that she was anything less than satisfied with her work at the clinic.  I wonder if she’s told anyone else this.

“Nathan, he doesn’t want me to. If I told him about all, this” and here she uses her free hand and wiggles it around in the air, indicating everything and nothing at once “He’d probably think I arranged the shooting on purpose.”

“Lizzy, he’s your husband. Don’t you think he’d want to know you’ve been hurt?”

“I’ll tell him later tonight. It’s not a big deal, and you took care of me.”  She says it with surety and confidence and fixes me with a sweet smile.  I’ll always take care of her. “Are we almost done?” She twists sideways to try to get a look at the wound. I could have done it a lot quicker, but I’m tired of seeing scars all over her body. So I took my time, and hopefully in a few months we’ll have only the faintest memory that this ever happened. I put some gauze over it, then a bandage over that, when wrap some of the double sided sticky wrap over top of all of that. The need to continue to touch her, to reassure myself that she is in fact ok is overwhelming, so I push her hair behind her ears and cup her face in my hand. Instead of pulling away, she leans into it, putting one of her hands over mine and closing her eyes, breathing in deep.  We stay that way for a few moments.  Breathing and ensuring each other of our presence.  But times a ticking and I’m sure they’ve started without her.

“Come oh trauma goddess, let’s get you to the OR.” I pull her to her feet, watch her put her top on, and then follow her out of the room.