#WHOOO wrote this this is fire

[skrs-cats]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! hAPPY DAY OF BIRTH!! AAA!! i feel late but i offer you this: lionblaze is like my favorite man in the forest and i have two aus for him: one in which he takes of a hollyleaf-like role

BUT THE SECOND is my go to au: basically a sort of fix-it au where i put a lot of my headcanons in em! where he starts seriously considering why he does things and how how he interacts with the cats around him. basically gets a lot more growth like how i wish the books would do: together with him still being a bit of a knuckle head but also a very kind big man. he is very close with leafpool also, as he hid with her and jayfeather to get away from his stresses; fighting, before he got a handle on himself makes him stressed because he is afraid hell hurt someone after a few incidents. this also leads to him being squirrel and leaf's biggest defender and after leafpool is in that period after she stepped down from being a medicine cat he always tries to go on patrols with her he is RESTLESS when it comes to searching for hollyleaf, i took it from him being the one who fins her in oots. AND he is actually a mentor to dovewing. shocker. he plays a big role in rewrite of squirrelfight's h*pe because i hated every second of reading that book and comes along to save the sisters: and instead of fire sisters being on trial he is the one; because of when he trained in the dark forest and of all the cats he hurt then. and because of him being in the cave: leafpool lives! whooo yeah i dunno he is. sigh hes like a blorbo to me ya know??? like have you seen him?? god. sorry if this is long and nonsensical i cannot find where i wrote this out at some point to actually have it make sense (sidenote i luv ur lionblaze design. long eared lion forever)

I relate a lot to this I like to will 5 hours away thinking about what lionblaze could have been in relation to having a healthy relationship w the cats he is close with HAHAHA. This was a really nice read, always really good to know other people's rendition of how they coulda shaped lion in their own way <3 (THANK U... IVE ALWAYS WONDERED IF I SHOULD TRY AND CHANGE THAT PART OF HIS DESIGN, BUT I ALWAYS FORGET TO DO SO LMAO)

[black-rose-writings]

Rose watches Fate: The Winx Saga

Episode 1: How bad can it be?

I have not seen any reviews of the actual show, though I have come across some (not favorable ones) and watched the trailer, which left me with “that’s not good” vibes.

SPOILERS, obviously.

I’m gonna regret this so much.

Shit, I forgot it’s a Netflix adaptation.

Horror atmosphere? Okay.

Farmer cursing out sheep? Am I watching the right show?

Whooo, spooky magic portal.

Sheep gore? Ehm, alright.

What’s that, a werewolf?

Yep, it’s Winx. Starting out with a guy getting bloodily murdered off-screen by a werewolf. I’m disappointed and we’re only at the title card.

What’s that music? Not bad, but I’m not a big fan, either.

Oh, look, fat white Not-Flora, selling flowers to some bald dude in front of the school.

Aisha with braids. Yeah, I’m not mad at her, yet.

Stella looks like she’s thirty.

So does Musa. She looks bored. That doesn’t bode well.

Is that fuckboy Sky? I’m giving him a chance - but only one.

Was Bloom loking at him? Was that supposed to be disgust?

Wow, Sky, who wrote your dialog? On that note, who wrote Stella’s text?

Also... that’s one shitty way to insert yourself there, buddy. Was that supposed to sound smart?

Aaand patronizing. Nice. I’m losing respect quickly. And, if she’s gonna end up with you at the end, I’m gonna barf.

Nervous laughter, yay. WE GET IT, SHE’S NEW TO THE WHOLE FAIRY THING.

Not a fan of the word mansplaining being used unironically, but honestly, you go girl.

“Quit perving on the first years”, I’m with you on that, though I’m pretty sure that’s not a phrasing people would use. Also, who’s that? Riven? Brandon? I don’t remember the guy’s casting, they all looked way too similar.

Stella with British accent is... okay, I guess. Not a fan. Also... she looks way too old and way too fancy for this.

Also... had Bloom and Stella never met before? How did they get in contact? How did Bloom find out about magic? I have so many questions.

So, the Not-Faragonda gave her a Hogwarts letter. Okay.

Stella’s ring is like the first thing about this that I actually kinda like.

Oh, never mind. Not “Sword of Solaria” - “Gateway ring”. And Stella hates being at Alfea. Oh, wow, so quirky.

Only 7 realms? Wow, they really shrunk the Magical Dimension down. I mean, I get why, but they could have left it vague.

Yes, yes, you desperately want to be Harry Potter, like everyone else for the last 20 years.

“The transformation magic has been lost” - I was disappointed already, but somehow, it got worse.

Cool, Tinkerbell was real and Not-Faragonda already knows, what kind of magic Bloom has. I mean, they said three months ago, so I guess that makes sense, but still.

Ooh, foreshadowing. She burned her house down, didn’t she?

“Magic can be dangerous, as you well know” - yep, definitelly burned her house down. Probably killed someone in the process.

"Trust the process” - so, is Not-Faragonda gonna be the villain?

“I’m here because you promised you can teach me control.“ “No, you’re here, because you had no other choice.“ Bloom definitelly killed her parents. And I’m getting major creeps from Faragonda.

That school looks like the X-Men amnsion. Am I the only one seeing that? Is this gonna be wanna-be X-Men?

Facetiming her parents, as you do. Nevermind, she didn’t kill them. Maybe someone else?

Jeez, girl, no need to be so judgy.

“Lady of the Flies, sweetie, don’t be sexist“ - I get the California stereotype, but that was very, very unnecessary.

Oh, they don’t know she’s in a magic school. Okay.

Not-Faragonda is a liar, get it.

And here come the Harry Potter references.

Can you tone the references down? Also, they have Harry Potter and Lord of the Flies in the Not-Magix. (And yes, I’m gonna be doing the “not” thing a lot.

Oh, they assigned Stella to Bloom. That’s disappointing.

And Not-Flora is quirky and can’t shut up. Okay. This girl is looking more and more as the exact opposite of Flora.

Stella was held a year, just like in the original show, calling it now.

“I have a cousin named Flora” - namedropping her doesn’t earn you forgiveness, lady.

Oh, yeah, Musa has mind powers, I forgot that one. Great.

Yay, big badasses, kicking each other in a dirty pond, how cool...

“She’s a ginge, they’re all nuts“, okay. “Amazing shags, though.“ Ehm, excuse me, what? I get that we’re all adult here, but like... I appretiated the virgin joke there, Sky. Not funny, but appreciated.

Is that supposed to be Codatorta? Is Alfea a bootcamp, now?

“Burned Ones“, huh? So, that’s the werewolf, thing? Okay, we have a big evil, now.

Whoa, zombies. And a traumatized drill sergant. Nice.

Is Sky smoking? Cause if so, I have no more respect for him.

Okay, who’s Rosalind? Bloom’s mom? (Please, no spoilers)

Not-Faragonda denying reality, as expected.

Oh, the bald guy is Not-Flora’s dad. Okay.

Oh, look, the... wanna-be evil fairy? Definitelly and “arsehole”, as she says.

What a polite way to say “Fuck off”.

Calling her mum a basic bitch is... very classy. You’re very quirky, very relatable and not like the other girls, we get it.

Are Stella and Sky dating? I know that’s gonna cause drama and I hate that already.

The hell is that? A fire Patronus?

So, what did she burn, exacly?

She looks so happy at the baby flame.

She’s got that evil look down.

And now she can’t stop. Shocker.

Bloom is quirky and doesn’t like her mom. That’s... the exact opposite of the relationship they had in the show.

And I hate that character assasination of Vanessa. What the hell? Why can’t a female lead have an awesome relationship with her mom who loves her? Why is Mike such a doormat? I fucking hate this show and I’m 30 minutes in.

I was close. She almost killed her parents.

Yep, definitely a changeling. I was gonna write it here, but I forgot to pause and she said it before I did.

“Someone’s been lying to her” - shot at Not-Faragonda with creepy music in the background. Yep, bad guy, through and through.

Seeecret tunnel. Seeecret tunnel.

Is Not-Faragonda wearing sweatpants? I mean, that’s her choice, it just seems odd.

Yeah, bitch, strangle the dudebro, he deserves it.

I have just realized I can’t tell Riven and Sky appart. I’m not sure, if that’s saying something about me or the show.

Ooh, drama, what did Sky do? I don’t want to know, cause my respect for him is already at zero and I’d hate to hate the obvious love interest.

Ooh, she left the door open.

She’s supposed to be 16. The only one I’m buying being 16 for a second is Flora. The others, hell no. I kinda hoped they had aged them up, but no, 16 it is.

Secret hideout, nice.

Is that Daphne? Nope, that’s a fire zombie.

*insert every horror trope ever*

Fire zombie steals the ring, cool.

Oh, look, Not-Faragonda comes to save the day, yay...

“Where’s Stella?“ Getting laid, apparently.

Silva? Is that the Not-Codatorta? Okay.

Oh, the drama... end the suffering already.

Oh, it’s Riven, who’s smoking, not Sky. I said I can’t tell them apart.

Great, now I hate that fangirl, too. Ew, smokers.

Aand... that’s the first episode.

Honestly, I had the feeling this was gonna be the Last Airbender movie for the Winx series and... yeah, I was right. Not terrible on it’s own (though not very good, either), but become infinitely worse, when you know the source material.

[camtran]

Dear me,

At the beginning of this year 2020, you made a resolution for yourself to write more. To write down everything and keep an eye out for your feelings.

Today, May 30th, 2020 is the first post of this year. Congratulation, it's the middle of the year.

Let's see what's happened for the very first half of 2020: Covid-19, love (one sided), disappointment in career and love of course.

Work is terrible in my opinion, I saw the dark side of people, people who are basically god started hurting and bitching their most loyal employees to save their asses, the one I care about is being fired at. It's unbelieveable, how much people can turn on you. Love is unexpectable and unpredictable. I fell in love, and once again was rejected (this part is expectable and predictable). The unexpectable and unpredictable part was that it was with someone I had never in my life imagined that I would fall for. He is alot older than me and short. I specifically like taller men, and still do. I don't mind men who are older, 10-15, it's not a problem but 25 years older, whooo goddamn! Completely out of my range and my preferences. But he is smart and experienced in which I'm head over heels for.

I asked myself many times, when did I start having feelings for him. The answer is, I don't know. I was afraid that I would fall for him. But then it just hit you. It hit me hard when I started feeling jealous for no reason at all. Then I realized, I Iike him, and alot. At first, it was just there. I didn't want to do anything with it, being with him at work, to work in the same team is already enough. But the feelings slowly but steadily planted its root deep into me, so deep I was devastated when I heard he's planning on leaving the company. I like him, but I can't pin point a specific thing that makes me fall for him. Not until lately, when I was already rejected. I know myself, If I'm close to someone, if I'm comfortable and we start synchronizing, feelings will start to develope. I felt it, we were sychronized in our thoughts, we spoke at the same time with the same things, I had fun and was comfortable around him. I don't know.. I felt secure with him, I felt like I want to do more for him so he would feel the same security as me. The one thing, I haven't felt for so long, with any crush in the past. The secure and peaceful feelings.

People in the past, once I'm over them. It's like that feelings never exist. I don't remember it. I can't seem to even if I try. I remember, I attempt to ask a guy out when he already has a girlfriend, what a bitch I was. Luckily I snapped out of it. I don't remember crying for any of this failed crushes. They were irritating, but never to a point that I would ball my eyes out. I took all this courage, and was encouraged by one of my best friend to confess. I wrote a letter, confessing all my feelings to him. Wanting a reply but never recieved one, not until I had to again assembled my courage after I had used all of them before, to ask him about the letter. He said it was sweet, but he's not allowed to have any relationship in the company. I take it as a no, but that answer didn't give me a peace of mind. It was answering around the question, not directly to the question. I thought it's going to be hard when I saw him again in the office. But no, it was easy like nothing had happened. I cried ofcourse right after the rejection, so bad. Then I thought I was alright, then came the week and we saw each other again. I was still fine, until the third day of that week, all the sadness just unlocked itself and roamed around my head. They wouldn't leave, until I cried my heart out again. It was bad but I'm glad I cried everything out.

I know I should give up already, but why I still have this feeling like I'm going to regret losing him? I'm scared and hesistant or maybe I'm just a foolish person in love.

[ryujisakamotoheadcanons]

NOT A HEADCANON. THIS IS PEGORYU FIC RECS

Whoooo boy.

Okay!! So. I’m gonna take the liberty to say that this is a Pegoryu ask. I have lived in that tag for over a year. And these are some of the best fics I’ve read.

Please show some support to the wonderful people that put the time and effort into something they enjoy. They take time to make such great content for the fandom. Show em some love! Comments are literally fuel to the writers!

~

Canticle: A Storm Is Coming In

-man. This fic has such a good vibe to it the whole way through. It makes you really feel what Ryuji is going through. Plus the description of Akiras home town is 👌👌👌

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13491372/chapters/30938649

~

Voido: Shackled (ongoing)

-YALL this fic. Bootiful angst. Bootiful fight scenes. Vivid writing that I can picture perfectly in my head!!!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/14232627/chapters/32816001

~

EndovaElixabete: Apartment 7B (ongoing)

-Gotta be my favorite. I know I shouldn’t have faves but hOLY HELl. Sets every mood so perfectly. I feel like I’m sitting right there with them. The way the characters act is so true to the canon it’s scary. GOD I LOVE THIS FIC.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13530183/chapters/31038570

~

GibbousLunation: Feedback Loop (completed)

-Gotta say, I saw that it was a bnha AU. I was put off. BUT I WAS WRONG TO DO SO. Sucha good writer that can make people feel things by SHOWING OTHER PEOPLES FEELINGS? Ryujis quirk is amazing. Can’t even express how this fic makes me feel. It’s so raw. So many heart wrenching moments written so well??

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13767417/chapters/31641855

Update: add on to the story!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18046775/chapters/42649172

~

Insomnomaniac: A Study In Silver (ongoing)

-A MER FIC!!! A beautiful mer fic! It’s so sweet and so light hearted. The descriptions of how Akira and Ryuji interact is so pure and so lovely. Great work. I get giddy every chapter!!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12978972/chapters/29671344

~

Lod: Meetings After Midnight

-Cute one shot for pegoryu week. It was again, so lighthearted and fun. Boys being boys. Dudes duct taping their phones to their chests to read manga over video chat

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15114422

~

SweetbunThorn: One Nightbreak

-Short fic. V adorable. I felt just as embarrassed as Ryuji did reading it. Like, “whooo boy. Glad it’s not me in his shoes.”

https://archiveofourown.org/works/14741613

~

toomanyunfinishedfics: Only A Matter Of Time

-AGIAN HOLY HELL??? Sooooo emotional. So wonderfully tragic. Words written so good, I could feel the way they felt. Akira relives the same day over and over and god damn. How the past years are described is heartbreaking. And it ends on a fluffy note. 💕💕💕

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15287445

~

MusicalDefiance: The Taste of Chocolate Lingers

-POCKY GAME SIGN ME UP. Again, I felt every emotion the two felt. I was squirming around at how cute everything they were doing was. I was stressing right alongside them.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15167858

~

bubblebangbaby: Fire In The Blood

-Ryujis birthday and talks of his past that really really make you sad? Check. So gud. Such a good way of writing about such a tragic past. Really captured the way Ryuji went through things so well.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15158060

~

Celestial_Hero: Of Strawberry Shakes and Vanilla Bean Coffee

-Hurting Ryuji train continues 🚂 choo choo! Descriptions of how Ryuji feels during one of his slumps is very realistic. Good thing Akira is there to be a bean and help out!!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15468504

~

bodysong: folie à deux (ongoing)

-AHHHH? AHHHHH. It’s solemn. Wrote in such a way it puts you in this good but weighted mood. Legit I can say I cried at this fic. It wasn’t at anything necessarily sad either. It was just so beautiful.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13380342/chapters/30645282

~

Loverofchimkem: Cheshire (completed)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17980757

-omg I legit cant get over how snarky Akira is in this. He’s a fucking cat. A beautiful cat that’s true to who is actual character anndjdndnd it’s such a good plot

~

headofmarimo: A Theifs Folly (completed)

-GREAT SLY AKIRA FOR THE WIN. All the pals are there! Ryuji the actual pirate! And good action scenes written very well! Some smut :))))

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13255782/chapters/30324363

~

Mysecretfanmoments/SuggestiveScribe: Dyeing to Kiss You

-I have cruised the pegoryu ao3 tag for over a year. And this one still sticks out to me. As a fic made in the beginning of the tag, it’s so great. Ryu getting his hair bleached is always something I’m for. And it captures the interactions between the characters so nicely. A light and airy vibe. And possibly one of the best kissing scenes I’ve read.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/11085468

~

I do have an ao3! I wasn’t gonna link my own. But I am proud of the improvements I’ve made. Check out my newest fic!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17976461/chapters/42461225

Enjoy reading! And you can see me screaming in plenty of these fics comments!

[humanityinahandbag]

I have not even seen HT3 but you've got me cackling over the image of Ericka holding a handful of file folders, spread in her hand like a proper folding fan, peering over them at Drac until he notices her and then fanning them further, wiggling her eyebrows as she shows off the colored tabs she's just placed on the folders. Alphabetical by color of course.

I’m fucking cackling. Might expand on this later and make it a longer one shot. But for now, have a quick Fanfic. 

So here it is: my first Hotel Transylvania 3 One Shot. 

Enjoy, @bunnikkila. This one’s all for you.

Kiss Me Alphabetically

A story in which Ericka has time and uses it productively. 

Dracula does the same. 

Ericka stood at the desk, alone. Not alone per say. Not if one considered the piles of folders she’d obsessively piled around her as companions of their own kind. Each of them filled with receipts and notes and menus and itineraries. Each adorned with neat, archaic, graceful text. It was a quirk she soon learned about Dracula; that he refused to use anything less than gold-tipped fountain pens, claiming something of nostalgia. It was his way of dealing with the modern changes of the world, she decided. If he should be made to carry a cellphone and log guests in by means of a computer, then he’d at least find the time to dip pen to ink.

She flipped through them. It was a slow night. Monsters filing in and out lazily, asking for little more than direction or spare towels. He’d long gone to deal with a mess on the third floor (apologizing for having to scuttle away, pressing a kiss to her cheek before leaving her to her own devices).

It was an honor in itself that he trusted her alone with something as important as his hotel. The way he’d said “I’m refiling the finances for the next quarter- files are in the top drawer” without any hint of question fumbling his words, which were (as they always were in the way he commented, the way he spoke, the way he watched and smiled and loved) brewing in respect.

She was familiar with the processes, as she was in most things in the industry, and so she’d drawn out the files and riled through them, searching out the logs from the past months.

What she’d found was a certain amount of organized chaos. “Whooo boy…” To a degree, they were understandable. Notes with notes. Finances with finances.

And yet…

Ericka rolled her shoulders before grabbing a pen and one of the many markers she kept on hand in the little drawers under the desk. One of the zombie bellhops -Carl was his name? Or maybe Callum?- wandered over and groaned something.

“How did you deal with this?” she asks, patting the piles of folders.

“Auuuuurgurarg” said Clyde/Callum.

“Was there any rhyme or reason?” She picked one up and waved it. “Look at this! No color? No alphabetizing?” Ericka picked open one of them with two pinched fingers like she was dealing with a dead rat and not months worth of massage receipts and pool-related accident reports. “And look at this! Did he date three months out? Did he prioritize dates? Did he converge files? No! Of course not!”

“Auuuugragagalll” sympathized Clyde/Callum.

Ericka slapped down the files. She scrubbed her forehead, pinched the space between her brows, and rubbed her eyes. “How has this Hotel not collapsed yet…” she muttered. “How has this hotel not gone up in flames. Because I can assure you- obsessive color coding is totally integral to the success of any business.”

“Aghhhhhhphhhh” agreed Clyde/Callum.

Ericka took a deep breath in, and let it out slowly. “Right,” she said, giving the colored markers a determined, long look. “I’ll need a coffee, a new box of staples, and a whole lot of hope. Think you can do that?”

“Pfffff” said Clyde/Callum, hobbling off.

Ericka flipped through the folders. There were at least twelve out. All of them, as he’d directed, taken from the top drawer of a blue filing cabinet. But there were three filing cabinets behind her (one blue, two gray), not mentioning the manilla folders and the cheap fold-out capped boxes left along the back wall.

Fixing her hands on her waist, mumbling an old captains sailing prayer, Ericka drew forth whatever strength years battling the high-end luxury seas had bestowed her before throwing herself to task.

Dracula eased through the slim crowd that perused about his hotel, greeting them all with gracious smiles and sharp, stately nods. He hoped the slow gait and hunched shoulders wouldn’t give away his exhaustion. It had been a leak in one of the vacant rooms. A burst pipe that needed attending to. And so he’d taken down the serial numbers, talked to the on-site handymen (zombies), and managed to get some sort of estimate on timeframe and payment.

He’s grateful to return to the relative safety behind his desk. The lobby was empty by the time he returned, nearly silent except for the telltale sound of paper scraping against paper and the scrape of a pen writing. 

The sounds, once he follows them, come from Ericka and a desk hidden beneath folders.

He stepped closer. Cocked his head. “Um…?”

She looked up. “Oh!” Ericka grinned. “Hey there, you! How’d the repairs go?”

“They’re going. What are you doing?”

She shrugged. “Light work. Nothing too drastic. Just keeping busy, you know.” Pointing across the mounds of folders she’d stripped from the filing cabinets behind the desk (all of them he saw open and empty behind her) she said “I finished the quarterly report, by the way.”

“Uh?”

“Don’t worry. Ran the numbers three times. We should probably think about cutting buffet expenses. I think we’d be able to pull through next quarter with extra money for pool repairs if we cut back.”

“Um?” He blinked. Sliding cautiously into the space behind her, careful not to disrupt the Whatever that was going on in front of her, he nudged open the folder she’d pointed to.  

Her own steady handwriting had joined his. Red circles around certain numbers and blue underlines pointing to mistakes he’d made with past calculations.

“Oh, and I also organized your notes. You should really think about donating to an archive or something? These are from… what? 1847?” She poked a set of folders farthest to the left. She’d colored in the tabs on top with blue and wrote dates in on black.

The set beside those had been colored orange. And the ones beside those, red.

“Um…” he said again. There was a tiny fire building in his chest.

“Oh, and look.” She put down the pen she’d been using to meticulously mark dates on each colored tab to grab the Yellow stack (sitting between the now green and fuscia folders), fanning it in front of her with the grace of a dancer. She gave them a flutter, and then did the same with her lashes. “Alphabatized,” she purred. “You like it?”

He blinked. He couldn’t seem to find a way to shut his mouth, his jaw weighed down by invisible pullies. 

Dracula’s silence must have lasted too long, because her delighted expression turned into something of disappointment, and she was soon fussing with the closest stack of folders despairing; “You hate it. Oh- god. I knew I shouldn’t have touched anything but your system wasn’t updated and… and I’d like to remind you just like I did Clyde or Callum or whatever his name is that obsessive color coding is integral to the success- MMPH.”

His mouth against hers effectively cut off whatever she was about to say.

He was glad there was no one in the lobby. Especially when he flicked a hand, blue energy leaping out to push folders to the side to make space when he lifted her up and sat her down at a level height.

“I was working on those! Dracu-mmm!” He moved his mouth from hers down to her jaw. Her throat. The dip between her neck and shoulder. “Honey, we’re in the lobby.”

He nipped her neck and she gasped. “No one here,” he said against her skin.

“Not yet, but anyone could- oh my god do that again.” He dragged his teeth down the line of her artery a second time. She huffed, crossing her legs. Chiding herself for a fuzzy mind, she reminded herself about the task at hand. A voice in her brain chanted; color coding! color coding! color coding! “Someone could check in! Any second! And I have to finish!”

He kissed her again anyway, harder. “You color coded my papers.”

“I did.”

“That is… so incredible.”

Her laugh tapered off into a gasp when he paid special attention to her jaw. “I’m loving this praise. I really am. But Dracula- someone could check in.”

“Good.”

“No! Not good! Not good! They could see a Vamp-mmmm-a Vampire going to town on a -aughhh- humans neck!”

“It’s a lovely neck,” he reasoned between kisses. “Absolutely delectable. A world class, delicious neck. Have I ever told you I love this shirt?” She’d swapped out her higher collared wear for a white button up that she’d only found reason to keep buttoned to mid chest.

“Yes,” she said, watching him reach a hand up to move the collar of the shirt away. “Many, many times.”

“You should wear it more, you absolutely organized minx, you.”

“Dracula,” she snapped.

“Ericka,” he crooned back.

“Dracula I’m busy.”

“So am I,” he argued. To prove his point he bit down lightly on her clavicle. “Very, very busy.”

She groaned. He laughed, reaching behind her to get a firmer grasp on her back with every intention of hoisting her higher to see just how far he could get his teeth down her shirt before having to start the unbuttoning process. His fingers pushed back on the folders. Three of them slipped to the floor.

With a righteous gasp and a frustrated exclamation of “oh come on” Ericka was pushing him back, turning around to growl frustratedly at the fallen soldiers of scattered papers on the lobby floor, and then turning back to fix Dracula with a steel and stone glare. He did his best to make his eyes look as I-Am-A-Victim-of-Circumstance as possible. “Do you know how long it took me to organize these!” Her fingers flew up to assault her blouse, securing a button that had begun to undo itself with more force than necessary. Dracula watched forlornly.

“Oh- Whoops.” She glared harder. His smile was all fangs and guilt. “Sorry, honey… Would you believe it if I said I was distracted?”

“No.”

“Well I was!” Dracula waggled his brows.”You’re very distracting when you talk about bureaucracy!” 

She huffed, flapping her arms up, letting her hands slap defeatedly down against her thighs. “I’ll have to go back and reorganize them all, now!”

To his credit, he did actually look guilty, grimacing down at the mess behind her. “It’s only a few. I can help-”

She breathed, heavy and slow, anger dissipating into something fond. Who was she to pass up affection from time to time? And… it really hadn’t taken her that long. “No- no it’s fine. It’s faster if I do them alone. Maybe you can help after I laminate them?” 

Dracula’s head snapped back. He blinked. Blinked again. The feeling of holy fire in his chest returned. “Laminate?” he peeped.

“Mmhm. I was going to staple together the financial reviews from the last few years, too, and compound and color code them. Maybe we can draw up some sort of two-year plan-”

The rest of the folders flew neatly to the floor, caught by a blue light, and settled into piles around the lobby. Dracula’s arms linked around her, his mouth back to work tracing patterns up and down from her neck to her mouth.

Ericka found herself suddenly very unconcerned with two-year plans and was instead decidedly concerned with how deep she could burrow her fingers into wonderful black hair.

“You are incredible,” he said, every word punctuated with affection. “That (kiss) is the most (kiss) attractive thing (kiss) I’ve (kiss kiss kiss) ever heard, Captain.”

“Oooh! You like that!” She wound her legs around his waist and pulled her head back to look at him from between her lashes. “Wait until I tell you about my plan to consolidate the computers check-in system.” Ericka lowered her voice into a husky, svelte whisper. “It’ll save us at least seven percent on the bottom line.”

The check-in desk was left empty when Dracula very quickly lifted her up and whisked her back to their room, her laughter a ghost against the stone.

The files were temporarily forgotten. 

But they’d get back to them later. Much, much later. 

[draco-kasai]

Mom and I finally finished the show today! Whooo!! Oh boy! So we started off with The Actors of Ember Island! Oh boy! My mom loved it! She was laughing and then went "how the heck do they even know ow all this? Who wrote this play?" And I shrugged and answered with "nobody knows." All in all she adored the episode.

She did have a few, er complaints. Mainly Aang. 😅 When Aang kissed Katara after she said she was confused my mom got mad and was disappointed in him. She also said that he's quite ridiculous for getting upset over what an actor said.

Okay so part 1 of Sozens Comet! My mom enjoyed it. She said she adores Toph and likes the dynamic Katara and Zuko seem to have now. Said their like the parents of the group. She also likes Suki, said she's a true badass. My mom continues to love Sokka and his whole character.

My mom was so confused when Aang just swam away. She kept asking me what was happening nd I just replied with "avatar stuff" nd she went "oh" as if I explained everything. XD she off handily said "cute" when both Zuko and Katara denied that they were a couple.

Y'all. I was watching a Zutara shipper blossoming before my own eyes in high definition and had front row seats. Zksbdkdb

Part 2! Now listen. I'm a sensitive mf. My mom is a sensitive woman too. Even if it was in Spanish, I cried again when Uncle Iroh huged Zuko. My mom also cried, she tried to hide it tho by getting up to 'check on something' and then proceeded to blow her nose in the bathroom and wash her face. It's okay mom. I cried too! Everyone in the fandom cried! Let us cry together damn it!

aNyWaY! Mom wanted to yell at the screen when Aang kept denying killing the Fire Lord. I had to remind her of his morals nd then Yangchen appeared telling him that he has to do what's best for the world and my mom gave me that 'I told you so' face. I... I couldn't even argue her on that 😭😂.

She asked me about the lion turtle. I kinda explained it but I kept it so vuege. "They existed before the avatar even became a thing. Thats why Aang asked for it's wisdom as well." Nd then she watched Aang stand on a rock as the comet came and she just "What if he was facing the wrong way. That would suck." I- Ajdhdjabalajw and then she had the AUDACITY TO TELL ME TO HURRY UP AND PUT THE NEXT EPISODE SKSBSLSPA

Part 3! She felt bad for Azula. She said her heart broke as she watched this child crack and brake under the sudden pressure. Let me tell y'all, when I first watched this show, way back, I didn't rly feel bad for Azula. My child brain didn't understand what was happening to her. After rewatching it sometime around the beginning of this year, I cried as I watched her brake down. Even now, I cried for Azula. My mom teared up.

My mom, once again, said Toph is awesome. She laughed when she rolled in metal bending and kicked the fire benders butts. She even went "God's! Sokka can be pretty stupid but he's so fucking smart!!" Nd once again said "Suki is such a badass!"

The fight between Ozai and Aang, my mom sat up so fast. Like- she was so immersed! She was practically lecturing the TV. "What are you doing? Fight back!" "Stop dogeing! Boomie talked to you about this!" And so on and so forth.

My mom was impressed with the masters! Her jaw practically dropped and she just grinned when their fight would come up.

The Agni Kai between Azula and Zuko. My mom was quiet the whole time. When it stated she made a comment; "Azula isn't in the right mindset anymore. Even if she wasn't though, Zuko would still kick her ass cause he learned true fire bending from the original masters." But as a whole she was silent the whole time they came back on screen. She then proceeded to yell at Katara to get out of the way.

When the episode ended oml I've never felt so rushed to put the next episode in my life! 😆 once I finally put it and skipped the intro she said "Zuko was using some moves that reminded me of the other bending styles. He picked up a few things from being with the group I guess."

Oml mom. I love you. 😭 yes. Lol.

Part 4! The final! She was so happy to see Suki back and Toph and Sokka not die. She even felt bad when space sword had it's last moments of screen time. She got so hyped when Aang got the avatar state back. She even laughed and said "He got him by the beard!" And just shouted "yes!" As Aang proceeded to kick Ozai's ass.

She mom said Katara improved so much and that she was proud of her! She loves the move Katara pued at the end and was glad she was able to save Zuko. She even went "awe" when Katara cried and thanked him. She teared up as Azula had her brake down. I did too honestly.

When Aang took away Ozai's bending she frowned a bit and said "I mean, I guess thats a punishment..." She was a little salty he didn't finish Ozai off but oh well. You know?

At the end of it, she wasn't happy that Zuko was back with Mai. She said "their not going to last." I mean... She's not wrong... They didn't.... Nd when Aang kissed Katara at the end she let out a heavy sigh and said "they should have stayed friends. Their dynamic works best that way."

All in all. She loves the show. I had to explain to her what happened with Zuko's mom since my mom isn't about to read a comic book, plus she can't read english. She's excited to see what the creators of the show come out with. She doesn't want to see Korra cause "Does it go over what happened after the war? No? Then I don't care for it.... I don't care if their the next generation, km not intrested."..... I can't blame her. I enjoyed Korra but I personally felt like it was laxking.

So yeah! That was me and my mom's journey into ATLA.

I got my mom into ATLA and she's excited to see what the creators come out with.

I got my mom to rush me for the next episode.

My mother finally admitted that the movie was a train wreck.

I watched my mom become a Zutara shipper in real time.

My mom wants something new to binge watch with me and idk what to recommend. I'll find something eventually.

Thank is to whoever stuck around to read... Whatever this is. Lol.

So, I got my mom to watch ATLA with me. We're on episode 57 (the actors of ember island) so as you can tell, we're in the final stretch. Today is Thursday and I work Friday and the weekend so unfortunately we won't be watching episode 57 and the war episodes till Monday.

So, like, let me tell y'all bout how journey has been so far.

So let me tell anyone who's bothering to read about how it started. I was helping out my aunt with her business as a temporary secretary while she was visiting her dad. My parents came to visit while there was no customers so I can help them out with something. I was crossing through TV channels looking for something good when they came in and I just left it on a random channel.

I'm just helping my parents out, we're casually talking. Then my mom looks at the TV and smiles nd says "oh! I saw that a few hours ago at home. It was pretty good." Me, being a curious human I am, turned around to see what was on TV. To my utter horror it was the live action Avatar the last Airbender movie.

Looking away, I took a deep breath as I continued to do what they came in for. As I finished I told her that it was based off a show that aired when I was younger. She was pretty surprised about that. So I bit the bullet and said "yeah, let's watch it together later." My mom being her, was reluctant. I get it. She tolerates my little obsessions but she's not into it herself.

So, once I got her to agree and they left I was on a mission. My parents speak Spanish so I had to find out if this show had a Spanish dub. I had to find one or else my mom wouldn't watch it. The whole time my brain was saying 'it has too! This show was and is so popular! No way it doesn't have a dub!" And then VUALA. I FOUND A WEBSITE WITH ALL THE EPISODES IN SPANISH DUB. YES!! I was so excited to get home!

Once I got home I spoke to my mom nd she said we can start watching later, however, she also said "only two episodes a day" it sucks but its fine! Soon she'll be asking me for the next episode! So we layed down on her bed nd started the first two episodes!

I'll admit, my mom was a little bored. I get it though. It has a bit of a slow start. Let me just say, we didn't watch two episodes a day. Sometimes she just didn't want too nd rolled her eyes when I asked if we can watch the show. It sucks. We started the show last month, September, and we're still going. It may be that way, however, she was still intrigued, curious, she wanted to understand why I kept saying it's so much better than the movie. Why I said its an amazing show.

As the show progressed I noticed that she was starting to get invested. I noticed it because she started saying 'put the next episode' or 'lets keep watching.' I asked her if she likes it now nd she said that "i hate the thought of watching it but every time you put an episode I remember how good it is."

My mom thinks Toph is funny. My mom thinks Sokka is really smart even though he does or says dumb shit sometimes. Shes impressed and proud of how much Katara has improved with her bending. She thinks Aang is childish but also says "hes 12, I understand why he's like that but unfortunately he also has a job to do. It sucks, no kid should have so much pressure on them... He's still an alright character though, not the best, but not the worst."

When Zuko started going though his development she grew more interested. She was so disappointed when he betrayed Katara. She really wanted to see him change. And when it started happening she was proud when he confronted his father. She was proud when he left. She laughed at his awkward approach with the gaang. She got upset, but completely understood, why Katara got mad and went off on him.

During the Sun Warriors episode I'll admit, I was giddy. It's one of my favorite episodes. I love how it looks, I love how it's animated, I love how they did it all. My mom noticed that and asked me while the 'previously on avatar' played. I told her. As the episode went she said, "kind of reminds me of Mayan architecture." Nd I responded "if I'm not wrong, that was the inspiration for it." When the episode ended she said "that was probably my favorite episode this far. I see why you like it."

When Sokka went to the boiling rock to save his dad, mom said Suki is awesome.

She also said "I respect Mai for what she did but I don't think she and Zuko work well together." Out if curiosity I asked her why. "Well, I get that she loves Zuko, and Zuko loves her too but the relationship doesn't work. During the beach episode and others where they are shown together, Zuko is trying to talk about how he feels. He's trying to be open and honest and she just... She brushed him off and basically told him 'I didn't ask.' That's not healthy. That's not a nice relationship. Their relationship just feels off" then she punched my shoulder and said "You better not get yourself into a relationship like that. If they don't care about how you feel then leave. Know your worth." And honestly, fair.

Oml that reminds me! She got mad when Aang kissed Katara before the invasion! She went "excuse me!? You don't just do that! What happened with concent!? How dare he!" Honestly I was just cackling earning me a slap on the shoulder. Lol.

Anyway! That's how that's going so far! We're five episodes away to the end! I'm excited! The war is around the corner! The fight with Zuko and Azula is near! The fight with Aang and the Fire Lord is near! I am excited to see what my mom thinks.

Anyway! This was my little rant on the journey my mother and I have gone through! Uh, thanks for coming to my Ted talk! Lmao.

[1rmono]

listen.............not to be dramatique but !!!!!!!!! every single time i see namjoon my WHOOO OOOooo oooOooooOOOOLLLLLEEEEE entire stomach does summersaults my skin is on fire my every single cell combusting n oveERFLOWING with my love for him !!! no really n sis u know what !!! literally never ever gonna love anyone as much as i love him no one can ever come????? close just try me !!!! n my love for my glowing masterpiece boy.................his softest plush pretty lips.....long elegant fingers n awkward legs baby cheeks n softest dimpels fluffy hair his chocolate brown melty eyes n kindest loveliest heart !!!!!!! suddenly i wrote the book on loving n supporting him god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! loving him is a full time job mmmmmmmmm thinking about him n loving him all day all night !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! did u ever see a more stunning ethereal wonderful talented showstopping n wonderful boy in the !!!!!!!! whole entire world n the answer is NO !!!!!!!! bc he’s literally it?????? all i see ? n the only one i love wow !!!!!!!!!! i really really love him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[timelordthirteen]

TMI Tuesday

I was reasonably productive over the holiday. I have several fic updates I hope to get out this week and close out before the end of the year. I’m falling into another fandom hole with The Punisher. I forgot so me of my Kastle feelings from Daredevil S2 and whooo boy here we are. I’m also back on the RebelCaptain train which I’m pretty sure is somehow @thatexactleaf‘s fault for reblogging some really feels inducing gifsets. I see you enabling me, Michelle. <3

Come Out at Night - The firs thing I wrote for a Woven Lace style Golden Lace series called Ghosts In the Halls. It’s Detective Gold’s birthday and Lacey shows up at the station to help him celebrate. (nsfw)

why did love put a gun in my hand - So I write Kastle (Karen Page x Frank Castle) fic now. Set during the elevator scene in S1 of The Punisher, Frank has a lot of thoughts and feelings and so do I.

i used to be on fire - More Kastle fic. Post-S1 feelings and porn. (nsfw)

Ask

Masterlist

Or send me any of these, especially my new favorite meme:

Audience Participation!

Send me an ask about whether I’ve written a thing and if I have I’ll link you to it, if I haven’t I’ll tell you what I would write.

Send me question for this new fic meme!

Send me some love for any of these…

“I wish you would write a story where….”

Give me a made-up fic title and i’ll tell you what i would write to go with it

Send me a word, any word, and if it’s in my WIP document I’ll answer your ask with the sentence or line it appears in.

[vefanyar]

For the ask meme: 6, 10, 23, 28, 31, 50?

6. List your OTP from each fandom you’ve been involved in.

Uhm. This got kinda long, so I cut a lot of minor fandoms even though I like them. 

X-Files: Mulder/Scully, and later on I had a brief but pretty intense phase of Scully/Doggett. Apparently there’s something about believer/sceptic pairs that I really loved on that show. I also liked Scully/Marita Covarrubias coming across it on Gossamer (must have been there, it was when I started reading English fic, and that was the place to go to for it), but I don’t think that ever qualified as an OTP.

The Silmarillion: Whooo, here goes: Fëanor/Nerdanel, Maedhros/Fingon, Maglor/Lasbaneth (his wife OFC of mine) Anairë/Eärwen, Aredhel/Elenwë, Indis/Míriel, Tar-Míriel/Nenúmë (her handmaiden OFC of mine), Nellas/Niënor... honestly, I’m OTPing hard on the Silm, and chances are that if I’ve written a ship I do ship it - partially due to the source material needing so much more emotional engagement to make a story of than in other fandoms, I guess? 

LotR: Mithrellas/Nimrodel, Goldberry/Lady of the Blue Brooch (in any incarnation, there’s just something about the idea of them having had a story together at all that just makes me want a million different takes. ^^) I’m also sticking Tauriel/Arwen in here for generic Tolkien-ness. 

SSSS: Sigrun/Tuuri, Sigrun/No-Arms, Reynir/Onni, Sigrun/Emil, and Tuuri/Reynir, thanks to you. I want to say Emil/Lalli, too, because the latest pages are ever so much catnip (with a helping of screaming in terror) but because these two have so much more canon subtext than with the rest of the ship-teasing it feels... safer, in a way? All my ships except this need more work, so I get more invested in those? While, with Emil and Lalli I can open up the comic on a random page and probably find an E/L moment. That isn’t to deprecate them, at all, but probably why I’m invested differently in them, if that makes sense? 

aRTD: Jonna/Riikka, my darlings! ^^ And Joona/Hannu, goobers that they are. :P

No End: COTTON/SHITTY WIZARD *keysmash* I also seem to have been bitten by some bug insisting that Lauren and Rajni have some sort of history, given the scene in the store? Or maybe I’m just that desperate for femslash in this canon that I’m seeing things, but it’s been keeping me entertained. (And I need to meet Ramona’s girlfriend - Sofie, I think? - because I’ll end up shipping them like a house on fire. Hopefully she’s going to make an appearance soon.)

10.  Is there a fandom you read fic from but don’t write in?

Y!OI. But it’s... really actually mostly SynS fic in that case, I’ve rarely gone on AO3 to look for more. Wynonna Earp, though not at the moment since I’ve yet to watch S2. 

[Already answered 23. and 28.]

31. What’s the nicest thing someone has ever said about your writing?

Oh, gosh. I really can’t single out individual responses because I’ve gotten so many fantastic ones, but it’s always making me flail and roll around in glee when someone liveblogs my fic while reading, or things just gel, and you have the impression the reader really caught what you were trying to say. New insights or angles to read the fic are also great, because it can help me break out of my own fairly narrow view about the fic in question. I wrote it, it’s got a fixed form in my head, but there are other interpretations out there, and that’s wonderful. :3 

50. How did you get into reading and/or writing fanfiction?

Wanting more! It’s as simple as that, really. ^^ 

[the-connection]

We all have that friend who, no matter how great a film is, will always say the book is better. And the worst part is that they're almost always right, the jerks. Well, the next time they open their bookish little mouths, here are some examples you can use to shut them right up. Some books contained scenes so nonsensical, stupid, or dong-filled that filmmakers didn't even try to put them in their adaptations. And speaking of dong-filled, let's start right off with ...

5

Forrest Gump Left Out His Gigantic Monster Penis

In the movie version of Forrest Gump, we follow a simple-minded but superhumanly capable man as he aw-shuckses through some of the most important events in American history. Whether it's showing Elvis how to dance, rewriting the Civil Rights Movement, or investing heavily in a company guilty of crimes against humanity, Gump unwittingly guides the course of the 20th century. Looking back, the movie is still a bit strange ... but the book was downright insane.

You're probably asking, "Didn't a woman take sexual advantage of a mentally challenged man to trick him into raising another guy's baby before she died of AIDS in that movie? What was in that book that they had to leave out?"

Paramount Pictures"Hump, Forrest, hump!"

We're glad you asked!

In the book, Forrest and Jenny still got after it all night, but this version was very, very clear about two very, very strange points: First, that Forrest has an enormous penis. Second, that Jenny loves to talk dirty. Now, remember that the novel is told in the first person, and Forrest no talk good. So now that you're all set up, here's a sentence no one ever expected to type: Please enjoy a graphic passage from the erotic memoirs of Forrest Gump.

Paramount Pictures"You like magazines? I wrote to a magazine once ..."

When we get home, Jenny begun takin off her clothes. She is down to her underpants, an I am jus settin on the couch tryin not to notice, but she come up an stand in front of me an she say, "Forrest, I want you to fuck me now."

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You could knocked me over with a feather! I jus set there an gawked at her. Then she set down nex to me an started foolin with my britches, an nex thing I knowed, she'd got off my shirt an was huggin an kissin me an all. At first, it was jus a little odd, her doin all that. Course I had dreamed bout it all along, but I had not expected it quite this way. But then, well I guess something came over me, an it didn't matter what I'd expected, cause we was rollin aroun on the couch an had our clothes nearly off an then Jenny pulled down my undershorts an her eyes get big an she say, "Whooo -- lookit what you got there!" an she grapped me jus like Miz French had that day, but Jenny never say nothin about me keepin my eyes closed, so I didn't.

The scene goes on to include all the sexual positions they try: Jenny shown me shit I never could of figgered out on my own ... sideways, crosswise, upside down, bottomwise, lengthwise, dogwise, standin up, setting down, bending over, leanin back, inside-out and outside-in.

Paramount PicturesIt's basically a porn parody of the scene of Bubba listing shrimp recipes.

The point is, he and his notably large dick wore that ass out. If the novel was faithfully adapted, Forrest Gump would have been nine hours long and inspired a tense public debate on how many yards of penis should be allowed in a PG-13 movie.

4

The Comic Version of Thor: Ragnarok Is Seriously Messed Up

In Thor: Ragnarok, Thor and Loki work together to fight Odin's firstborn daughter, Hela, the Goddess of Death. She has spike-throwing powers and a giant wolf, and nobody in Asgard stands the slightest chance against her. Characters die before you can even figure out who they were supposed to be, and Thor ends up on a garbage dump planet run ruled by Jeff Goldblum, who turns him into a slave gladiator and makes him fight Conan Hulk.

Marvel StudiosIt's pretty awesome.

The movie is based on the Thor: Ragnarok comic book series, and it made a few notable changes from the source material. For instance, in the movie, Thor loses his eye in a fight. In the comics, he tears it out of his own damn head. Comic book nerds and people who still worship the Norse gods (thanks for reading, Bjerkman the Unbroken!) might recognize this move. His father, Odin, did the same thing ages ago when he traded his eye for knowledge. That's why Thor goes the extra step and yanks out both his eyes.

Marvel Comics

Marvel Comics"Bah! You ask for but one eye? Thor doth double down!"

And somehow, this gets both weirder and darker. After he willfully blinds himself, Thor commits suicide by hanging himself from Yggdrasil, the World Tree.

Marvel Comics"The Odinson found this part a bit too dark for a tentpole blockbuster!"

In the movie, Thor has to deal with his brother Loki's constant betrayals and tricks by staying one step ahead of him. In the comic, Thor just tears Loki's goddamn head off and ties it to his belt.

Marvel ComicsHe was renamed God of Conditioner after his ponytail proved to be stronger than his neck.

There are some big decisions that have to be made at the end of Thor: Ragnarok, but they're nothing compared to what Thor's faced with in the comic version. He doesn't summon some puny fire god to destroy one realm -- he shatters Yggdrasil to destroy every realm. So yes, in the movie, Thor blows up a lot of homes. But in the comic, he murders e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e.

In the end, we can all agree that "Let's add Conan Hulk" was a good note, but "Let's do a rewrite on the Thor genocide scene" was a great note. It would be seriously tough to talk parents into taking their kids to a movie wherein the hero pulls his own eyes out, kills himself, and then kills every being in the universe while wearing his brother's severed, screaming head on his belt. Or maybe not, because isn't that the plot to Cars 3?

3

The Stardust Movie Leaves Out the Gruesome Unicorn Mutilation

Stardust tells the story of Tristan Thorn, a young man who crosses the titular wall of his hometown of Wall to enter the land of Faerie so he can bring back a fallen star to win the heart of a girl. We know, it sounds like a sarcastic example from a How to Write Young Adult Fantasy for Beginners textbook, but it was turned into a real movie. Starring Robert DeNiro!

It turns out that the fallen star is actually a woman (Yvain, played by Clare Danes) who hurt her leg when she fell to Earth. Tristan has no idea how he's going to get a crippled, woman-shaped star back to his walled village of Wall until a unicorn randomly turns up to help! Haha, for real!

Paramount PicturesThe original title was Lisa Frank Origins.

The pair eventually encounters the witch Lamia (Michelle Pfeiffer), who wants to kill them both. The unicorn helps them escape by head-butting Billy, a goat in the shape of a man, so hard that he turns back into a goat. Then the witch starts a fire and we never see the unicorn again ... in the movie.

Paramount Pictures"GOAT GTFO!"

The book has a bit more to tell us about that unicorn's fate. In the novel, it doesn't just take on Billy -- it fights the witch as well. And while it gets a few good shots in, the unicorn loses about as hard as anything has ever lost anything. First the witch jams a knife into the unicorn's brain through its eye. Then ...

The beast dropped to the wooden floor of the inn, blood dripping from its side and from its eye and from its open mouth. First it fell to its knees, and then it collapsed, utterly, as the life fled. Its tongue was piebald and it protruded most pathetically from the unicorn's dead mouth.

Think that's a bit much? We're not done yet. The witch needs the unicorn's corpse to move, so she spits her blood into its mouth, and this animates it. Whatever, that's the witch equivalent of a forklift. Later, she saws its goddamn head off.

Paramount Pictures"No reason for that part. Just for fun."

Half-blind, the dead unicorn stumbled toward the green rock needle until it reached a depression at its base, where it dropped to the knees of its forelegs in a ghastly parody of prayer.

The witch-queen reached down and pulled her knife from out of the beast's eye-socket. She sliced across its throat. Blood started to ooze, too slowly, from the gash she had made. She walked back to the carriage and returned with her cleaver. Then she began to hack at the unicorn's neck, until she had separated it from the body, and the severed head tumbled into the rock hollow, now filling with a dark red puddle of brackish blood.

Jesus Christ. People who grew up watching The NeverEnding Story had their childhoods haunted by a horse sinking into the Swamp of Sadness. Can you imagine growing up in a world in which your favorite fantasy movie slowly carved the head off a defiled unicorn-zombie?

2

In The Book Version Of The Rescuers, The Villain Kills So, So Many Orphaned Girls

Disney's The Rescuers follows the adventures of two mice who work for the Rescue Aid Society, Miss Bianca and her loyal companion Bernard. In the film, an orphan named Penny is kidnapped by an alligator-loving hellbeast named Madame Medusa, who needs Penny in order to find the Devil's Eye, the world's largest diamond.

Those are some crazy characters, some genuine peril, and two ball-shrinkingly terrifying alligators. Luckily, Penny is the only orphan kidnapped, and she survives.

In the movie.

The original novel is called Miss Bianca, and is the second book in Margery Sharp's Miss Bianca series. In the book, the villain is the dreaded Duchess, who doesn't need any orphan girl (named Patience here, not Penny) to find her a famous diamond, because she lives in a castle made of them.

Little Brown & Co.It's arguably too many diamonds.

No, the only reason the Duchess wants an orphan girl is to torture her. She beats Patience with a diamond-studded cane "just to hear her cry out." She starves and tortures her: "[The Duchess'] big knuckles ground cruelly against Patience's collar bone, the long fingers almost met in the child's emaciated, shrinking flesh." Hell, the kid doesn't even have a toothbrush -- "she just dipped a torn old rag into a cold jar of water." Life sucks for Patience. But it was way worse for the other orphans. Yes, there were other orphans. Emphasis on were.

Patience is not the first orphan girl the Duchess has kidnapped; she's simply the only one to survive long enough to be in the book. "Patience was the last of a series, all the others having died young."

You might be wondering what the Duchess in this children's book about a talking mouse did with all those dead little girls. Well, as the story unfolds, Miss Bianca encounters two bloodhounds named Torture and Torment, who talk about all the girls they hunted. At the end of the conversation, she realizes that the seat they previously offered her was "a very small shin bone -- gnawed."

Little Brown & Co.One thing's for sure: It's more dead orphan girl shinbones than the children's book illustrator expected to draw that day.

It's not ambiguous. When Patience escapes, we're told "the Duchess had faced the same situation before. As the little shin bone bore witness." There are no subtle hints in this book. It is made extremely clear that the Duchess had her hounds chase down and eat a bunch of orphan girls alive before the Rescue Aid Society ever heard about Patience.

Suddenly those scary cartoon alligators don't seem so bad.

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Chris Gardner's The Pursuit Of Happyness Is Full Of Rape And Murder

The Pursuit Of Happyness sees Will Smith playing Chris Gardner, the ultimate wholesome dad in the ultimate wholesome family film (give or take some hobo urine) about the pursuit of the American Dream. Based on Gardner's memoir of the same name, the movie shows how he looks after his only son while homeless in San Francisco, sleeping in shelters and public bathrooms, all the while working for a Wall Street firm without pay, hoping to win a lucrative banking job.

There are a lot of hard knocks along the way, but he ultimately wins at life and goes on to become a millionaire. The book wasn't quite as family friendly.

A lot of the memoir is occupied by Gardner's relationship with his abusive stepfather ... and Gardner's attempts to kill him. Gardner tries to poison him, and fantasizes constantly about shooting or bludgeoning the man to death. He even pushes a refrigerator down the stairs on top of him. Here he is bragging about the precision of this murder scheme:

In perfect timing, I missed a step, on purpose, and let the refrigerator go. A priceless look of confusion and horror came over his face, and like a work of art, the next thing I knew Freddie had a refrigerator on his chest and they were both tumbling down the steps.

It seems like a gruesome thing to actively try to murder his stepfather, but to be fair, the stepfather sucks. He almost kills Chris' mother multiple times, even chasing her into a store with a shotgun at one point. The closest he gets to ending her life is with a two-by-four, "bashing it into the back of her skull with such a force that the wood splintered into her skin, sticking into her, spewing blood not just underneath her but everywhere in the room."

Columbia PicturesIt's a fun read.

Chris eventually gets out of there without committing murder, but things do not get any less horrible. At one point, he talks about one unhappy mark returning from a hustle gone wrong. And we mean very, very wrong.

But even if I can't track time, I remember every detail of what happens, from the second he pulls a knife to my throat, forces me on my back, pulls down my pants, puts his dick between my legs, to registering the confused horror of my dick getting hard from stimulation, to the true horror of him hoisting me into position so he can fuck me in the ass, right on the living room floor. Every grunt, every breath. His smell overwhelms. Funky. Rancid even, inhuman. White hot pain. Cold hard linoleum.

Luckily, the story doesn't end there. Because Gardner gets his revenge three years (and 11 pages) later, when he waits outside a bar for his rapist to exit and beats him to death with a cinder block!

"Oh shit," he said, not even finishing the statement before I crowned him with the cinder block, bearing down with all my strength on the top of his head.

At first, he didn't fall, but he faltered. After more pounding, he finally crumpled to the sidewalk, and I threw the brick down, left it right there, and walked away. Didn't look back, didn't run. Right or wrong, I silently said the last words that I'd ever think about him -- Got your motherfucking ass.

So to be clear, someone was reading this book and thought, "This would make an excellent, uplifting family film! Starring the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!"

Not gonna spoil anything, but IT (based on the book by Stephen King) did a pretty good job editing the book into a script too.

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